#and yes. i think this friend should come to earth btw and meet charles

[edwin-paynes-bowtie]

I think it would be so interesting if Edwin had a "friend" in Hell. Not someone he was close to, but someone that he ran into regularly and had short frenzied conversations with. I think it would be intreguing if this man were also something absolutely terrible, like a serial killer. But he was another human, and he was in Hell, and he was someone to talk to. So Edwin cared for him, because they were both souls trapped somewhere unimaginable.

[this--love-is-treacherous]

okay i know no one is going to read this, but i just want to put it out there and i don’t know maybe someone actually will take the time to read this and i don’t know maybe help me??? or understand me??? idk, but here it goes lately i’ve been feeling all kinds of emotions and being extra sentimental and, honestly, feeling like shit. And here goes why : a boy. WHAT A CLICHE AND TEENAGER THING TO DO, i know and trust me my head is just like “stop this” but… i can’t. So my story with this guy begins over a year ago, april (i think???) of 2016, i went to a friend’s surprise birthday party and he was going to be there, at that time i don’t even know who he was like i have only heard his name once and because one of my friends (kinda) made out with him. The thing is before meeting him (or any of the other guests) i hung out with a friend to buy a present and go together where the party was, so, anyway, my friend told me that she wanted something with him because they have been texting for like two days?? maybe?? and he seemed really nice and he was handsome and he seemed interested in her and she wanted some action lmao so, i asked her if she had asked Lucie (i’m gonna use names bc it’s gonna get really confusing. Rachel is the one who wanted to make a move on him and Lucie is the one who has already made out with him okay leT’S CONTINUE) if she was okay with that bc you know, obvious reasons, Rachel told me that they have an agreement and i was "okay which is??" she told me that none of them wanted something serious so the one he payed more attention or you know, were more flirty with, will me the one “allowed” to make a move on him. NOW flash forward to the birthday party, when i first met him he was sO NICE and i felt so comfortable??? which happens never with strangers??? i was shook. Anyway, so he starts being flirty with me, paying attention to me, and talking to me, laughing with me,… and little to nothing with the others , i flirted back but because i was comfortable and you know, flirting is kinda funny and you know at the time i saw it like innocent flirtation??? after we left all my friends started like ohmygod you two should make out, you were so cute, he definitely wants something with you….. like that and i was like no????? i’m not gonna see him, like, ever again????? and at the time it was true (little did i know) , i didn’t even had his phone so there wasn’t much that i could do so i just kinda forgot about him, he was just the guy i flirted with and that made me feel “"special”“ somehow bc he payed attention to me and not my hot friends so it was nice. One month later we happen to be in the same birthday party of anOTHER friend lol and as the time before we flirt and we laugh and he still pays attention to me so by this time i start to wonder "what if???” and after this birthday he follows me in instagram and somehow he got my snapchat as well, neither of us talk to each other but he is in the back of my mind and i start to think of him as my crush (i mostly blame my friends for this bc they were so like “you two are so cute!!!1!!”) and one day, out of the blue, he sends me a snapchat and i was like boy??????? anD here comes the ????? part : it was a photo of him about to go in the shower (NO NUDES DONT WORRY lmao) so i was like wtf and i “texted” him back with “cool background, your shower, nice place to take photos lmao” and he answers me “ well it’s obvious you’re new to my snapchat, i do this all the time” and i go to his snapchat story and the same photo was there so i was like okay he just sent me this by mistake cool no problem excEPT the next day he does exactly the same thing, not with a shower photo but you know a mirror photo, idk, unimportant really, he sent me the photo but the photo was also in his story so i start doing the same thing. We go on for like three days, doing that, not talking, not answering the snaps, just sending photos that everyone is seeing lmao, anyways, so by the third day we get the streak and i think we both panicked (at least i know i did, lol it was getting real??? i don’t know if that makes sense, but) and we stopped sending anything like, at all (btw i never EVER told my friends about this because a) they were gonna make this a big deal when i knew it wasn’t and b) i somehow wanted to keep this between us??? idk ) . Anyway, near a year goes by, and during all this time i do not see him or talk to him or anything of the sort but he somehow still is in my head??????? i don’t know why and i know it’s stupid but no matter what i do (or who i do….) i can’t get him out of my head, just with the hope that i would see him again and finally ALMOST A YEAR LATER i do. It was honestly so unexpected, i was at a local festivity called San Isidro in Madrid (which is where i live btw) and we just bumped into each other (not literally but i was not there to see him, i just went so say hi to a friend and there he was!!) so i’m like “hey!!??” , he says hi as well and we talk, small talk, for about 20 minutes and he actually remembers me!! (again, unexpected) and he says “long time no see, i missed you” (okay, let me just say that this guy is VERY FLIRTY with everyone like you could say he is a fuckboy and he just has one of those personalities, in Spain we say ‘tirafichas’ lol) and i was like dying on the inside!! but in the outside sonehow i managed to stay cool and be flirty like ohmygod really? and what did you missed most about me? and he just says “you make me laugh” and yes, you guessed it, i almost died like imagine your crush!!amazing!! so, after this we get separated, he goes home and i don’t see him again that night. THE NEXT NIGHT i see him again and this night we talk more and he spent together more time, with other people most of the time, but sometimes only the two of us in the conversation and he asks me what do i want to study i ask him how his grades are doing, things like that, nothing to serious and we still are flirty with each other and, at one point of the night, one of my friends who was drunk af see us talking and asks us “are you two dating???” AND I WAS SO MORTIFIED LIKE I WANTED THE EARTH TO JUST SWALLOW ME , FOR REAL!! the funny thing is that this friend, Gabby, she haven’t met him and i haven’t told her about him, ever!! So after that i think we were moth so “embarrassed” that we go in separate ways until a few hours later when i was talking to one of the friends we got in common and he joined us and he starts talking about the last girl she had made out with and how he “"kept”“ a list of all the girls he had made out with and i was so??? disgusted??? but not only for the fact that he was my crush cause, after all, i didn’t had a reason to be mad at him just because i had a crush on him didn’t mean that he couldn’t live his life, it was for the fact that he kept a list??? like women were trophies??? so i tell him like "ohmygod that is so lame and honestly so??? wrong???” and he just looks embarrassed and says “well it’s not like i write them down is just, i like to keep count, not for anything in particular, not to brag or anything, i never told the number of girls i made out with to anyone, i’m so sorry if it looked sexist to you it’s just a thing i do” so kinda calm down after this cause he sounded so sincere??? and for what i have talked to him he seemed not that kind of guy??? like, yes, he was a fuckboy but not in a bad way?? idk if that makes sense… so, one thing led to another and we end up talking about virginity lmao (we were more than the two of us in that conversation just so you know) and as the virgin ass bitch i am i just shut up and i hear the others talk about their first time and my crush (which i think you deserve to know his name if you made it this far lmao) whose name is Charles (IT SOUNDS MUCH NICER IN SPANISH : CARLOS , everybody calls him by his last name anyway which is Rayo , translated to english it means lightning lol) ANYWAY he says “i only fucked once and it was because i liked this girl and i was comfortable with her, i don’t just fuck with anyone just so you guys know” and….. my heart eyes came back with those words and beSIDES he was looking at me most of the time he was saying that!! like!! what are you trying to do!! Anyway, the night ends, nothing happens, of course and we don’t see each other for 10 days i think????? ACTUALLY something really funny and strange happened in these 10 days, i left a comment in a friend’s photo on instagram and two hours later i see he has left a comment in the same photo!! and i was so shocked cause this friend is from a totally different circle than all my other friends, she is a year older and i only know her because she is in my volleyball team so for me there was no way these two knew each other so i texted her asking why the hell did she knew him and she tells me a) their parents know each other so they’re like cousins and b) he has asked the exact same question. You must know that by this time my crush was increasing and increasing and increasing…….so, back to the story, we run into each other again at a mutual friend’s bday (ACTUALLY the same friend bday party we first met) and again, we talk we laugh we flirt… but he also flirts with other guest who he has made out with before, i knew her she was at my school but you know we weren’t friends of anything and i don’t take this personally cause as i said before he was my anything and he obviously could do his life and honestly it hurt but like not really??? i think because i basically assumed that nothing was gonna happen that he was flirting with me and i’ll take that because i liked the feeling but i was okay with nothing happening i assumed that this feeling, whatever it was, it’ll go away, eventually. So that night we were at my friend’s house and some of us (including him and me) went to buy some alcohol (it was pretty late by then, like midnight probably???) so in this ….walk??? we ended up alone (like not alone ALONE, but like with some distance between us and the others) and he asked me about my love-life and i said like well i have a plan A but idk i don’t think it’s gonna work out (i was referring to him, of course) and he said “well, do you like this guy?? or this girl cause you know i don’t want to assume things” (I ALMOST DIED RIGHT THERE CAUSE I NEVER EVER EVER HAD KNOWN ANYONE OUTSIDE THE COMUNITY WHO HAS SAID THIS WITHOUT KNOWING MY SEXUALITY) so i answered “well i’m bisexual, but this one is a guy and no i don’t really like him it’s just ugh idk” by that time i wouldn’t admit that i liked him so i didn’t say lmao to what he said “nice, on the bisexuality thing. And you know if you don’t really like this guy then search for a plan B?” and i replied “Well, if I just could, but idk it’s just weird. But enough about me, what about you, how many plans do you have?” and he said with so!!much!!honesty!! (at least it seemed) “well i’ve been lying to you if i said i don’t have a few plans here and there but like lately everytime i make out with someone it’s just so ?? idk void?? and i’m not saying i want a girlfriend because let’s be honest i am not the relationship type but idk lately i’ve been in a down mood in my love life” so i told him i understood him completely and he was about to say something when the bday girl interrupted us (I LOVE HER BUT!!!! girl!!!! although in her defense she didn’t know that he was my crush if that i had weird feelings towards him so..) and said to him that she noticed him kinda sad and that he had to cheer up (i didn’t know him that well to know if he was sad but he has always been a cheerful guy around me that this broke my heart a little) and then she said like “don’t worry soon we’ll get you some girl so you can cheer up” (as i said he is quite a fuckboy and he has that game iand all his friends kind mess around with him because of it) but this time he said “okay you can quit with that already” and even his/my friend was a little shook tbh and from that conversation and forward he wouldn’t even talk to me like yeah if we were in the same group talking we would like say something to me but never too much, he totally changed how he behaved around me, he would talk and laugh and flirt with the others and when he maybe before looked for me he literally just moved if i came near him , idk it was weird. The night finally ended and despite the fact that i never said anything to my friends about how i felt for them rayo was just like “if it happens, it happens, but i’m not going to force it” when it really was “please please please let this happen i want it really bad” one of my friends that night kept insisting me that i made a move on him (which i didn’t obviously). After that night i was sure this was over, the flirtation the hopes, everything, over and i was ready to assume that and besides my most important exams where about to begins so i spent less time thinking about him, only when i listened to certain songs or when i saw his photo on instagram but i never let myself think about him too much on those days and honestly i was thankful for the distraction. Unfortunately, the distraction came to an end and my exams finished so everyone went out to party and GUESS WHO I FOUND (again, it was kinda of a festivity that we do when everyone finished these specific exams and we do it in the most known madrid university campus and we just drink, basically. It’s a little weird when i describe it but it’s typical spanish lmao) so i saw him and i was a little drunk, he was too, and he said hi and he acted normal again with me and again he flirted and he messed with me, and i did with him and we were back at it and i was so drunk that i didn’t even had time to think what this was going to do with my brain. And it was like the other times except this time he was being much more physical like other times maybe he grabbed my hand or “punched” me but it was platonic, but this time he hugged me and grabbed my hand x1000 times than usual and rest his head on my shoulder when we were sitting…. things like that and even one time he put his arm around me and our faces were INCHES away and he said “we’re quite a pair” (he didn’t literally said that but there’s not literal translation for what he said to me, this is the most alike i think) and since i was really drunk and he was too i was going to make a move and you know, blame it on the alcohol if it didn’t work but esforcé i could do anything he STEPPED AWAY. We continued talking, he took my alcohol away (by one my friend’s order lmao) and before i realised he was gone like, gone gone. Yes, he said goodbye, but you know my goal that night was to make a move on him and i couldn’t and when he left the alcohol hit me like a bitch and i was really sad (not only bc of him but other stuff too) so after crying for like 30 minutes??? i went home and in the way back my drunk ass texted him “heyyy! you kept my alcohol. not cool.” and after i sent it i showed to one of my friends like what the hell did i just do (AGAIN i must remind you my friends were clueless about my feelings for all they knew that night was just another opportunity for me to make out with him, and they totally thought i was crying about something else cause not once no matter how drunk i was i told them i was bothered for what had happened that night and they even didn’t know what happened after the next day when i told them) anYWAY back to the text, after sending that and not having an answer for like 15 minutes??? he texted me back saying “right, sorry ❤️” and i just replied with a “hahaha” (SMOOTH, RACHEL lol) sO THE NEXT DAY i pretended like i didn’t remember the conversation and said “lol i don’t remember texting you i guess i was really drunk yesterday. Tbh i’m kinda glad you took my alcohol, god knows where i had ended, well, at least i do know that i didn’t do anything i could have regretted today” (the last one was like a indirect??? don’t know if he got it) anyway he texted back and we kept talking for the rest of the day and he seemed interested in keeping the conversation so i was happy until the end of the day when he just let it die, like literally, it was SO EASY to continue the conversation cause i just had asked a question so after his reply it was enough for him to say “what about you?” but hE DID NOT so after that day (this was june already) we don’t talk again cause you know he let it die so i’m not gonna crawl back i’m sorry i still have my pride and after a few days i find out that he has been talking to this girl which was also at my school and being so obvious at her and just telling her that they should meet and that she was really pretty and you know just throwing himself at her, again i wasn’t jealous but this time it was really clear that he did not want anything with me cause if he did then he would’ve been as obvious with me as he was being with this girl so I FINALLY FINALLY accepted it, it hurt and it wasn’t easy i still had these feelings which were just getting stronger everytime i saw him and talked to him but i thought i have learnt my lesson. Then a week ago i saw him again and THE MOST CONFUSING THING happened, i run into him with some friends who he already knew and so he said hi and greeted (that exists????) with two kisses in the cheek (again, typical spanish) then he comes to me and instead giving me two kisses as he had done with everyone else and this includes two of his best friends he hUGS ME like literally put his arms around me!! and i’m like wtf!! so i put my arms around him too you know to, be nice?? and after 3 seconds?? i remove them cause i don’t want it to be awkward bUT he does not remove it and he says “come on, it’s you and me we deserve a hug” AND AGAIN I WAS SHOOK AF !! so after 20 seconds, easily???? he pulls back and goes to say hi to the rest of the people (again with the normal greeting of two kisses on the cheeks) and i am left standing there shook and my friend tells me “what the hell was that” and i’m like “no idea ” . So during the whole time he was there h e is AGAIN FLIRTING WITH ME AND BEING SUPER PHYSICAL and yes i relapsed because he is so cute!! and i am so comfortable around him!! and then he leaves and says “well, see you around” AND THAT’S IT BUT IM HONESTLY SO CONFUSED BY THIS GUY AND MY FRIENDS BASED ON THE THINGS THEY KNOW TELL ME THAT HE LIKES ME AND I DON’T WANT TO HAVE HIGH HOPES BUT I’D BE LYING IF I TOLD YOU THAT ONE SMALL PART OF ME DOESN’T THINK SO AS WELL BUT ITHER PART TELLS ME THAT HE DOESN’T WANT ANYTHING AND MAYBE HE IS MOCKING ME BECAUSE HE THINKS I LIKE HIM IR MAYBE HE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS OR??????? idk this is really stressful so if anyone made it this far, probably no lmao, a) any advice????? b) im sorry for my grammar or typos it’s really late and i’m just pouring my thoughts so i’m not really thinking straight and c) thank you??? i guess??? for listening???