#and yes i know neurotypical adulthood can be lonely also

[streamoflillies]

Rant about my own mental state, partially framed in the magnus archives (S5 spoilers) because that's what listening to it for a good chunk of a 12 hr drive will do.

Especially Martin's domain really hit home. Being watched in London would absolutely grate on me, but it's distant, not reality for me.

But the lonely, the one person's wall. That's my reality.

I reached out past it in high school, found a social group, friends, people who I trusted to be there for me if I needed them.

Then I moved away. Went to the college my parents wanted instead of the one I wanted. The one I could continue to be myself at. I went to the Christian College where I had to box my identity back up.

Wear my 'church face' all day. In classes, around roommates, wear the cishet mask that I'd started poking holes in. Instead in those 4 years of college I made it stronger, denser, impossible to see through.

Now I was back where I was before high school, except now I KNEW the mask was wrong.

Since I couldn't poke holes in the cishet mask, started looking at the other part of it. The neurotypical. Explored my autism, realized "Yes, I absolutely am" rather than just the suspicion I had in high school. Realized which side of the family it's from and that all my siblings are too.

Big reason why my siblings are the only people I really feel at home with. Except I don't anymore. I've spent too long as a holidays-only sibling, so my place in the system is shrinking.

I've always been a little bit other. I was the genius reader who gobbled books like bread. The one doing math way ahead of others my age. The one who went to the advanced program at a different high school. And now I'm the one 'not living up to my potential'.

I felt it this time visiting them especially, they could be 4 feet away on the same couch, but I don't know them anymore.

And my brothers should be following me into adulthood, but the one after me went on a mission, so he's now 5 years behind me instead of 3.

The wall crept between me and them too.

------

Anyway, back to the autism mask. Realized I couldn't really take that one off either. It had been grown and sewn together with the cishet mask and they were intertwined. I can lift it briefly, but I can't show my true self and yet not my true self.

I would need to be autistic and queer, not just autistic. So I shoved that back into a box too. I am my real self on the internet, but that's in some ways more isolating.

None of you truly know me. You don't know my real name, my face, and I don't know yours. I know your art and your words on the page, which is kinda a truer self than a physical form, but we are not whole as just a mind.

I'm constantly touch starved. I want DESPERATELY to be hugged. There was someone I followed on tiktok who worked in a Nevada brothel, and she talked about doing essentially cuddle services, and I think that, just being held, cared for, even if I was paying for it. Would fix something deep within me. But I don't live in Nevada.

There's also the possibility it would just break me even further. Show me what I can taste, but not really have.

I don't know how to love people. I know how to crave them, want what I can get from them. I know the ways to show I care, but I don't know how to WANT to show I care.

I'm broken, deep inside me. And I don't know how to fix it.

Maybe if the fears were real I wouldn't need to fix it, I could let the lonely make it a comfort instead of an ache. Float in it's embrace.

I don't fear being alone. It's just what I am. Maybe I am already serving the lonely.

[melonfairyghost]

Neurodivergent adulthood is so lonely

[hoe-doroki]

Alright, friends, your local demi is going to take one last bow before ace week is up.

I’m going to talk about myself, because I the lived experience of ace and acespec people isn’t talked about enough and, well, this is the week to talk about it!

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s bring in a good ol’ frame of reference:

78% pure. For those who don’t know this is the rice purity test, where high scores mean you haven’t participated in many “racy” activities and low scores mean you have.

First, let’s state that I don’t want to put too much stock on this test. Only 3/4 of the questions are about sex and dating while the remaining 1/4 is about alcohol, drugs, and illegal activity. (Part of the reason my score is so high is because I, unrelated to being acespec, don’t drink or smoke.) But, like I said, it’s a place to start.

Stats. I’m a 24-year-old woman. I am cisgender, straight, and demisexual/demiromantic (not asexual or aromantic). I have never had a boyfriend, I have never enjoyed kissing, I have never had sex.

Oof, and right away, I’m embarrassed saying that.

And that’s the whole problem.

(This post clocks in at ~1.6k, so the rest is under the cut. Trigger warning for suicidal ideation.)

Well, not my whole problem, haha, but it is why I’m bothering to talk about this instead of keeping it secret, like I prefer to. I want to dispel some myths that harm the way I view myself and keep me from being honest with others. Because I fear that when people look at me and hear “24-year-old virgin” they assume things about me that just aren’t true.

First thing’s first. The fact that I’m a virgin means nothing except that I have not had sexual intercourse with another person. There are no other assumptions to be made.

It hurts when people are surprised by this. I happen to fall mostly into the barbed categories of American conventional attractiveness, so when people hear that I have never had a boyfriend or that I’m a virgin, they assume there’s something wrong with me. Or that past men I’ve been around have missed an opportunity or something.

This is shitty on two levels. One, the assumption that my stats are the way they are because of some failure sucks. All it should be is a reflection of my agency and the fact that I am the queen of saying no. (In fact, it was my first word.) But then people are assuaged by the fact that I have, in fact, been approached for sex, as though that confirms for them the value that they assumed I had. As though that’s where any of my worth should be coming from.

Two, these assumptions, when flipped, imply that it would “make sense” for me to have my stats if I looked different or was less neurotypical.

Media--as it does--has played a role in these assumptions. I think about the characters who are “later-in-life virgins” and I think of Emma Pillsberry from Glee, who deals with extreme OCD and germophobia. Or Sheldon and Amy from The Big Bang Theory, the former of whom might very well be acespec and is likely on the autism spectrum as well, but who is shown to be very antisocial with many difficulties forming interpersonal relationships and the latter of whom comes from a very conservative family and a mother who ensured she couldn’t learn social skills until well into her thirties. Or the “what if” episode of Friends that basically asserts that Monica would have been too fat to get laid. Or The 40-Year-Old Virgin, which I don’t wish to talk about. (Oof, all such problematic examples)

And yes, these characters are all white (I am not) and that’s a discussion for another post better made by someone who is more of a media expert than me.

These characters are all portrayed to have something that “explains” why they haven’t yet had the privilege of having sex. And we see in movies like The 40-Year-Old Virgin, or a whole host of teen movies, that virginity is something to conquer--especially for male characters.

I don’t look how people expect virginity to look. I’ll be real--I have high self esteem. I think I’m awesome inside and out and I don’t see any reason why I should be shy about that. I know that if I wanted to have sex with a stranger, I could do it tonight (covid notwithstanding--be safe, friends).

And even if I were a different person who had less self confidence or looked different or came from a different background, that wouldn’t mean that I “deserve” to be a virgin or whatever it is media is telling us. Virginity still wouldn’t have a damn thing to do with the other things that make up a person.

So, louder for the people in the back: being a virgin doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with me.

Next point. Being a virgin doesn’t mean that I’m innocent, a prude, or that I’m “waiting for marriage.”

Gosh, I’ve been asked if I’m waiting for marriage too many times. Two things. 1. No. I’d rather know my sexual compatibility with a partner before marriage and 2. I’m an atheist. So no.

Also, I am not innocent or a prude.

My lack of experience makes me feel infantilized. It does. That’s a personal issue of mine and, ya’ll, I don’t have many answers for how to overcome it. But I have done what I can to change that.

Guys, some of the best choices I’ve made in my adulthood are the things I’ve done to reclaim my sexuality (meaning sexualness not orientation) for myself. Not gonna get super nsfw here, but I’ve invested in about a dozen sex toys and I intend to buy more. They always makes me feel so much more adult and sexy. And I’ve done things with them that I feel pretty confident that many of my sexually active, allosexual friends haven’t done. This kind of thing isn’t for everyone acespec, but it helps me reclaim my worth as a sexual being, without needing a partner to validate that.

I’m also fully valid to write erotica! I love erotica and it’s another way I take back my sexuality. It is just as valid for me to write as it is for anyone else. I am capable of research--both on my own body and from resources, experts, and classes. I don’t need to have had sex for my opinion to matter.

Oh, and being acespec has nothing to do with my sex drive. It seems that I have a libido that is either average or slightly above average--I’m also a person that the more I’m engaging with my libido, the higher it gets.

This often feels like a curse. I, unlike many, but not all, acespec people, strongly desire sex. Like, I’ve bundled up a 35-pound weighted blanket on top of myself whilst engaging in self-pleasure just to try and make the activity feel more partnered (pro tip: that didn’t work.) The truth is that I’m really sick of having to take care of my libido by myself and would much rather have a partner.

But it’s not easy.

I’ve tried online dating, guys. Many times. I can’t do it. That’s not true of all acespec individuals, but it is for me, at least right now. For me, my demisexuality means that the idea and experience of going out, even on a casual date, with someone I’m not already interested in is nearly intolerable. And my current lifestyle, for many reasons, doesn’t lend itself well to me naturally forming crushes.

I’ve only had one major crush in my life. And it was 10 years ago. So you understand the difficulty.

I hate being demisexual, guys. I do. I wish that I could write this post with the intent of spreading pride and positivity, but I can’t. That’s not where I’m truthfully at yet. I’m lonely to the point of suicidal ideation. I’m too young for it, but I’m already making contingency plans for freezing my eggs or trying to imagine a future where I could be a single mother and...I can’t yet reconcile it. I know that part of this is my dreams being created in society’s image, but all I’ve ever wanted is to be a wife and a mother. And it’s hard to see that future when I can only look at my past and see images of silicone and sexual repulsion.

Remember when I said I’ve never enjoyed kissing? I’ve had more stage kisses than “real” kisses and, I have to say, the staged ones were more enjoyable because at least I wasn’t forcing myself to do them. Forcing myself to try to kiss someone so that I could feel “normal.” Forcing myself to kiss someone just because I was curious about what it was other people were talking about. My first “real” kiss was at 20 years old and it was a night where I forced myself to do a lot of things for the sake of catching up with my peers and I’ve been deeply uncomfortable with that experience ever since, and I can only be grateful that I stopped it as early in the evening as I did.

Everyone’s experience is so different, ya’ll. I haven’t heard a story like mine before, so in no way can I claim it to be an experience that widely represents demisexuality. It certainly doesn’t represent asexuality, nor how queerness (or many other things) intersects with either of those things.

But, at the same time, I’ve never heard a story like mine before. Do you know how helpful it would have been to have been able to see a story like this a few years ago? Ten years ago? It would have been life changing. Because even though, in the middle of all that self-confidence I spouted off about paragraphs ago, there’s this kernel of self-hatred stuck in my teeth, I would have felt validated. I would have felt seen. I would have been able to DM someone who could have told me, hey, it hurts and I know no one seems to understand you, but I do.

That’s to say, if anyone is going through something similar and wants to talk about it, my DMs are always open. I’m no expert, and I bet some of the things I’ve said here aren’t going to hit some people right, but this is my experience. This is the most intimate part of my life. It is a privilege that I’m sharing this with you all, so please, hold it with care. I hope this means something to someone.

Happy ace week, ya’ll.

Oh, and the rice purity test doesn’t mean shit. It’s good fun if you want, but if it makes you feel any kind of way because your number is too low or too high, throw it away. That’s not where any part of your value comes from.

[foundcarcosa]

cxcvii.

How many pounds do you want to lose? >> Not a single one. I’d be happy to gain ten or fifteen more, in fact. 

What would you have been named if you had been born the opposite gender? >> I don’t know if my father had a boy’s name in mind.

What’s one thing that makes your heart ache? >> Music from Interstellar or Sunshine. 

Is your hair naturally curly, wavy, or straight? >> My hair is kinky. (Just like the rest of me.)

Do you like curly or straight hair better? >> I have no preference. As far as my own hair is concerned, I’m not fond of how difficult it is for me to keep it clean and hydrated because of how curly it is, but I’m also happy to keep it cut short, so it evens out in the end.

Do you find skinny jeans comfortable? >> Regular skinny jeans, especially the male-fit ones, yes. The super-skinny style is uncomfortable.

What’s one unpopular opinion that you have? >> No fact, right, moral, or anything else is objective and inalienable. 

Have you ever tried Bible art journaling? >> I haven’t, but now that you mention it, that sounds fun.

Were you born in the 90’s? >> No.

Were you born in the 80’s? >> Yes.

Which American Girl doll did you have, if any? >> I didn’t have any of them. I was interested in Kirsten, I recall. My dad, of course, got me Addy books. I thought Molly was the most boring one.

What color is your cell phone? >> Some kind of pearlescent hue. 

What color was your first cell phone? >> Silver, I believe.

Have you ever been abused by a pastor? >> No.

Have you ever been bullied by a teacher? >> I was given the silent treatment by my fourth-grade teacher for at least a month (I seem to remember it being around two months). If I had a question, she’d appoint a classmate to be the courier of said question and subsequent answer. I don’t remember what it is that made her do that, and I certainly don’t know what made her think that was an appropriate way to treat a student. 

Do you have memories that torment you? >> No.

Have you ever read a book that gave you nightmares? >> No.

What was the name of your first imaginary friend? >> My first headmate was Clodagh, but I don’t remember much about her. I think Eden Long came after that, him and the small Beverly Hills-esque headspace community of Jacana Heights.

What was your best subject in elementary school? >> I have no idea. In general, it was my reading ability that everyone seemed to go the most apeshit over, so I guess English was my best subject.

What was your favorite subject in high school? >> High school made me hate education.

Do you consider yourself gifted? >> “Gifted” seems to mean less and less the older one gets, so no.

Do you feel that people appreciate you? >> I’m sure some people appreciate me, but I don’t think about it too much. 

What’s your passion? >> Storytelling.

Are you living your dream? >> I do not dream, and when I do I dream of Her... 

What is your dream job? >> I don’t have one. Nothing about the modern systems of employment is dreamy to me.

Ever had a crush on a teacher? >> Yes, multiple times. 

How do you react when you get stung by a bee? >> I’ve never been stung. I’m a bit curious, in fact.

Have you ever been obsessed with a celebrity? If so, who? >> My intense interest in Idris and McCon are tame and tepid in comparison to my adolescent obsession with David Duchovny....

Have you ever been raped? >> No.

Have you ever been accused of being gay? >> I mean, maybe. 

Are you heterosexual? >> I’m xenosexual and I like dicks. Leave me alone. 

What’s one thing that makes you swear? >> Being alive? I swear all the time.

What Disney princess do you look the most like? (if you’re female) >> I don’t look like a Disney princess. Disney princesses don’t even look like people. They’re simplistic and extremely formulaic animated figures.

What are you known for? >> That all depends on who you’re asking.

Do you enjoy camping? >> Yes.

What color shirt are you wearing? >> A grey undershirt.

Do you wear yoga pants? >> No, because I don’t own any. I would, sure, if I did.

Do you take vitamins? >> I don’t. I have a B-complex vitamin, but I still think that vitamin supplements are too concentrated and high-dosage for the average user.

Does your heart ache for the past? >> No.

Are you lonely? >> I am when I am.

Were you lazy today? >> I am lazy every day, I’m sure. There’s plenty about my life and behaviour that would suggest laziness to the average neurotypical capitalist.

Did you leave the house today? >> Very briefly, to check the mail.

Are you hurting? >> No.

Do religious people piss you off? >> I have a fair amount of patience with fundamentalist/legalist religious folk, although the blustery rhetoric does get terribly old after a while. Outside of those circles, most religious people are as easy or difficult to deal with as any other kind of person.

Do you feel shy around certain people? >> I don’t know, maybe. It’s not something I’ve thought about.

Do you look your age? >> I don’t think age looks like anything. I think stages of life -- childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, middle age, and so on -- can be determined by one’s appearance, but anything more specific than that is extremely subjective.

What was the last restaurant you ate at? >> Red Robin. I had used up all of my mana on cleaning and showering, and then the food I ordered was a sensory nightmare. But I rarely get to go anywhere anymore, especially not by myself.

What’s one word to describe your room? >> I’m... drawing a blank. It’s just a room.