#and yes i accidentally posted one of them instead of queuing it

[non-correct-ultra-beasts]

i've queued all the submissions like i should've done earlier so now the blog will update consistently even if i'm not lol, the queue goes until april 18 (thanks to the submitters u are so patient)

apologies for the inconsistent posting and long hiatuses, but that should be over now :D

[transannabeth]

tumblr should let you view your drafts in pages instead of scroll because the site always crashes before i make a dent in deleting old drafts

[fanficimagery]

Friends in High Places

Summary: When Spencer comes home with files to a case that has his team stumped, he's surprised when you- his neighbor for a couple years now- is the person who gives them a new lead to follow. That and that you're ex-SHIELD.

Words: 8K Warnings: This is what I get for starting a rewatch of Criminal Minds and then watching Marvel movies all in one day. Fml. I've never written for Criminal Minds, so please excuse the mediocre-ness of their characterization. I have no idea what I'm doing; I just knew I wanted a crossover between these two fandoms. Also timeline? What are those? All you gotta know is that this is an AU where Bucky's joined the team and Steve DIDN'T ruin the life Peggy Carter would have had. As for the CM side, this is sometime after Hotch has left and Emily took over. Idk.

Having the night off and wanting nothing more than to just be lazy, you're sitting on your couch in your most comfiest clothes and mindlessly scrolling through Tumblr as your TV plays some program on Animal Planet. You're not even paying attention to the program, but the low sound is perfect for background noise.

You're queuing up some art posts that catch your attention, as well as some gif sets of the TV shows you've become a constant viewer of in the past few years, when there's a knock at your door. But not just any knock. It's a specific knock that you and your neighbor came up with after you got to know each other and became fast friends, and it was to let the other know they were home and wanted company. You mostly worked nights and his work schedule was always all over the place, so it's surprising you're both home at the same time.

Picking up your phone, you shoot him a quick text that you'll be over in five.

Spencer Reid is literally the man of every woman's dream, even if they didn't know it. He's cute and adorable and sometimes dangerously hot all rolled into one, and the best thing about it all is that he doesn't even know it. You had met him on one of your first few days in the apartment complex, but unfortunately it was during one of your slight panic attacks when a thunderstorm had caught you off guard while you were sitting in your car and you didn't have an umbrella.

He had seen and heard you freaking out as he was passing by, and knocked on the passenger window. You had collected yourself just long enough to roll the window down a few inches when he asked if you were okay, then proceeded to answer his own question by stating you obviously weren't. When he realized you lived in the same complex and asked if he could climb inside your car and out of the storm, you had stared at him in confusion until he realized that might have been a bit weird since you were strangers. He stammered his way through his explanation of being an FBI agent and after showing you his badge you had let him in.

You didn't have to tell him what was making you panic and he proceeded to keep your mind occupied. He asked about you and where you had moved in from, and spewed random facts about anything to temporarily make you forget about the storm raging outside. But the torrential rain wasn't letting up and the lightning was only getting closer and closer. He made you realize you had to make a run for it and even offered up his umbrella for you. You had thanked him with tears in your eyes and made a run for it on the count of three when you were settled just enough.

Inside the lobby of your apartment building, you had stood there trembling while Spencer nervously gripped onto the strap of his messenger bag as he stood across from you. When you were shaking the water off his umbrella, you hesitantly told him your reasoning for your freak-out. It wasn't necessarily the thunderstorm, but rather the torrential rain that wasn't letting up. A few years back you had a drowning incident and too much water on your face tended to bring back those memories. He said he understood and then with a sympathy tinged smile he offered to walk you to your apartment. It was a pleasant surprise to learn you had only lived two doors down from him.

Weeks turned into months and months into a couple of years, and you and Spencer were nearly inseparable when you both had the same day/night off.

So after quickly fixing your already messy hair so you don't look like a complete slob, and pulling on a loose hoodie, you grab your phone from the sofa and then head on out. Your socked feet keep your footsteps quiet as you head down to Spencer's door where you knock three times on it before opening it up and stepping inside.

But before you can greet him with a cheesy welcome, he's already calling out, "Hope you haven't had dinner. I picked up some burgers on the way home."

On cue, your stomach grumbles. "God bless you, you beautiful, beautiful man!" You hear him laugh from a room that's not where his kitchen is, so you make a beeline for the kitchen instead of accidentally walking in on him changing. There are two paper bags on the table and you quickly grab plates from his cabinet to separate the food on. Spencer enters the kitchen in a shirt and some gray joggers, and you greet him with a beaming smile. "You're home and in one piece! Yay!" He laughs and you quickly lean in to peck his cheek, not saying a word when you catch sight of his pink tinged cheeks. "You have any beer?"

"Yes. Grab two, please."

"Got it." You hear one of his kitchen chairs creak as you open his refrigerator to grab two beers, you then searching a nearby drawer for the bottle opener. Once you find it, you walk back over to the table and open each beer before handing one over to him.

"Thanks."

"Mhm." Taking a seat, you set your beer down before unwrapping your burger and dumping your fries out onto the plate. "So what's up, doc? You're home surprisingly early."

"We've hit a wall on our latest case," he says, keeping it vague. "There was nothing for us to do while Garcia did her thing, so Emily sent us home for a bit."

"Nice." You take a bite of your burger and your eyes widen when Spencer's eyebrows raise in surprise. When you realize how your words sounded, you're quick to backtrack. "Wait! It's not nice that you hit a wall, but nice that you got sent home! I got free food out of it. That's why it's nice. Not because, you know, you haven't found the-"

"Y/N, you're rambling," Spencer says, lips twitching. "I understood what you meant."

You sigh, shoulders dropping, and grab half a fry to toss at him. "Eat your food, Reid. It's getting cold."

It surprisingly doesn't take long for the two of you to eat your dinner, you both being hungrier than you first thought. After you're done, Spencer turns down a second beer but tells you to help yourself. You do. And on the way into his living room, you bump into one of his chairs and knock his bag over. You gasp and set your beer down on the coffee table, falling to your knees to scoop up his files that had spilled out.

Chuckling, Spencer crouches next to you as you profusely apologize.

"It's okay. It was an accident." A few pictures had slid out of their files and normally you'd just shove them back in because his work wasn't any of your business, but the face staring back up at you makes you pause. Blonde hair, blue eyes, a little heavy on the eyeliner, and a lip piercing. You know her. "Y/N?" You gulp and flip to another picture- brown hair, brown eyes, mole above the right eyebrow. You know her too. "Y/N? Are you okay?"

With trembling hands, you flip back to the first picture and show it to him. "Is Lilian dead?"

Spencer's eyes widen. "You knew her?"

Knew. Past tense. She is dead. Showing him the second picture, you nod sadly. "Kyndall too."

He seems to stop breathing then and from one moment to the next he's opening files and pulling out picture after picture. As you stare at each of them, you grimace and swallow down the bile that's threatening to climb its way up your throat. "Y/N, do you know any of the others?"

Shakily exhaling, you point at each picture. "Desiree, Celeste, Maria. I don't know this one, but I think her last name was Valdez? And then the male is Tim."

Spencer falls on his butt, staring at you in surprise. "That's right. We know their names and their current line of work, but that's about it. Their files only seem to go back a few years. Everything between the end of their high school career and current line of work seems to be scrubbed clean. Do you- do you know of any connection between these people? Any little thing you know can possibly be a big help to my team."

Your gaze darts up to him and your heart sinks. You've managed to keep your past mostly hidden, but now it seems the time has come to tell him what you did before. "They, uh, they're all ex-agents of SHIELD. The real SHIELD, not HYDRA."

"What?"

"If I remember correctly, they were computer analysts or paper pushers. They had gun training as one would think an agent would have, but they were agents who didn't really have to train in hand-to-hand since they never made it out into the field."

"You're positive? How do you know this?"

You gulp. "Because I'm ex-SHIELD too."

Spencer blinks at you, but then in the next moment he's up on his feet and reaching for his phone. He places a quick phone call, stepping into another room and leaving you alone. Your stomach sinks and you have a feeling that this confession might have just put a wedge in your friendship. After all, though ex-agents were being picked up by other different branches of the government, you weren't sure just how exactly trustworthy all ex-agents were being treated.

Spencer reappears, nervously tucking his hair behind his ear. "Do you mind coming with me back to work? My co-workers could really pick your brain about this."

You blink at him. "W-What? You're not mad at me?"

"Mad?" He chuckles. "Why would I be mad? I mean I wish I had known what you did so I didn't have to worry about you being alone when I left for a case, but I can see why you would keep that underwraps. HYDRA made a lot of people paranoid."

"Tell me about it," you mumble. Then after a few seconds, you finally climb up to your own two feet. "Um, just let me go put on some shoes. I'll meet you in the hall."

Spencer's smile and nod eases some of your worries, but you still quickly make an escape to go put on some shoes. Your front door bangs open and you hurry to your hall closet. Yanking open that door, you pull on the first pair of Converse you come across. Then taking a moment to think, you grab a pair of knee high boots that you use every once in a while. Reaching inside, you grab your old badge and a USB stick, sticking your badge in your back pocket and the USB in your front pocket. Then grabbing your keys from the hook by the front door, you shut the door after exiting and lock it. Spencer is waiting down the hall for you and you jog towards him. He tightly smiles and then leads you downstairs, towards his car, and you sit quietly in his passenger seat while he drives.

On the way towards Spencer's place of work, he can't help but ask, "So what exactly did you do with SHIELD if you don't mind me asking."

You shrug. "Cat's out of the bag now, so I don't mind." You chuckle though it kind of falls flat. "I was, uh, a computer analyst for a while. But then I was taken on a field trip with a few agents and we ended up trading bullets with several not so nice guys. The field agents liked the way I handled myself and requested I level up, so to speak."

"And you never thought of trying to get hired on with anyone else? If I recall, the FBI and CIA were picking up ex-SHIELD agents after the fall."

You shake your head. "Remember that drowning incident I mentioned? Or the reason why I can't take baths anymore and have to turn my shower on and off between washing?" Spencer hums, remembering what he thought were odd quirks until he realized it was all because of your fear of certain amounts of water. "That drowning incident was HYDRA's fault. I spent months in rehab and just- well, no one wanted a damaged agent."

"If it makes you feel any better, I'm kind of glad they didn't. I quite like my neighbor who picks up take-out and bakes sweets for me after a rough case."

You try not to think too much about his words and instead choose to smile at him before looking out your window. The drive is only about twenty minutes and fortunately the radio fills in the semi-tense silence.

When you get to the FBI building, Spencer escorts you inside with a hand at the small of your back. You're given a visitor's badge and you quickly clip it onto the hem of your hoodie. The elevator ride up to the BAU's main floor is a short one and it opens up to a wall of glass where you can see several desks behind it.

Spencer opens the door for you and you can't help but make yourself seem as small as possible. You cross your arms over your chest, hugging yourself as you enter the room. There are several people milling about, but no one pays you any attention. Only one female, dark bangs covering her forehead while the rest of her hair falls just passed her shoulders, heads towards you once she spots you and Spencer.

"Y/N," Spencer says, introducing you to the woman as she nears, "this is our Unit Chief Emily Prentiss. Emily, this is my good friend Y/N Y/L/N."

Emily is all smiles as she reaches to shake your hand. "Hi! It's nice to finally meet the girl who takes care of our boy wonder after cases."

Spencer nervously chuckles and you find yourself genuinely grinning. "It's nice to finally meet you too. I've heard some funny stories about all you guys."

"I will neither confirm nor deny any of those."

Emily then leads you towards a room where three others are waiting. "Guys, this is Y/N Y/L/N. Friend of Spence and ex-agent of SHIELD. Y/N, this is Special Agent Derek Morgan and Jennifer Jareau, and our very own technical analyst Penelope Garcia."

Everyone happily greets you and Jennifer even gives you the go ahead to call her JJ. You're offered a seat at their round table and you glance at their board filled with pictures of people you used to work with. Spencer sits next to you and you offer him a feeble smile when he reaches beneath the table to squeeze your knee.

"Alright, guys, I know we're all interested in the girl who lives next to Spence, but we need to get down to business." Spencer groans as his teammates all chuckle. "So Y/N, is there anything else you can give us about the victims? What exactly did they do? Did they all personally know each other or just enough because they were coworkers? Even the smallest bit of info that you think is inconsequential can help us."

"I, uh, I can do you one better," you say. You shift in your seat and reach into your front pocket, pulling out the USB stick. "Since I figure all those NDA's we signed are now null and void thanks to Agent Romanoff's data dump, and because you're Spencer's friend, I feel comfortable handing this over. It kind of made me nervous keeping it in my house anyway."

You slide the USB towards Penelope and she gasps, snatching it up and holding it as if it were the holy grail. "Is this- are these files? Because let me tell you, I tried to download those files as soon as they hit the net but there were just so many and not even our WiFi could download it fast enough before they were scrubbed clean."

You grin and nod, chuckling at Penelope's squeal. "I started collecting everyone's files that I could get my hands on. I started with the baby agents- agents whose files wouldn't toss up red flags when their files were opened. The more clearance I was granted, the more files I was able to download."

"Oh my god. Yes! You are my new favorite person." Penelope rushes around the table, bending down to kiss your cheek with a loud mwah! "Reid, keep this one. I'll be in my lair."

The group all chuckle as you blush, but then Agent Morgan is clearing his throat. "Not that I'm not grateful about what you're giving up, but isn't what you were doing illegal?"

You shrug. "It possibly was, but then Director Fury realized I was memorizing it all and didn't have a problem with it so long as those files didn't leave my office."

"But you have them on you now," Morgan says.

"Yeah. The USB was hidden within my belongings in my office. My office surprisingly survived unscathed after Captain Rogers crashed the helicarriers into the Potomac, and my stuff was packed up and shipped to me while I was in rehab."

"If you don't mind me asking," JJ wonders, "but were you at the Triskelion when HYDRA came out or..?"

"I don't mind the questions at all," you say. "It's actually quite nice to talk about it with people who aren't eyeing me suspiciously." The group flashes you small smiles. "I was actually on a consulting job with a recently formed SHIELD team whose base was a humongous plane that was constantly on the move. Anyway, one of those trusted team members ended up being HYDRA. He led a group of his men onto the plane, killed half of us to get control of it, and then locked me and two scientists into a holding pod before dropping us into the middle of the ocean."

"The drowning incident," Spencer suddenly realizes.

You smile sadly at him, nodding. "We sank to the bottom of the ocean floor. There were three of us and only one little oxygen tank." Spencer grabs your hand beneath the table and you're grateful for the grounding pressure. "We gave it to Jemma. Fitz and I were going to attempt to swim, but we didn't make it. Fitz blacked out first, then me, and then- then nothing. We woke up in a trusted SHIELD facility, and Fitz and I couldn't operate like we used to. With our brains having been deprived of oxygen, it messed us up for a while."

"Wow," Emily says. "I am so sorry."

You shrug at her with a small smile. "It was all part of the job."

"What do you do now?" Morgan asks. "I hate to say it, but with all our victims being ex-SHIELD, and you as well, we have to rule you out as-"

"I get it." You smile in reassurance at him since it kind of pained him to admit that you could be a suspect and have Spencer glare at him for even thinking it. "I'm a bouncer at a bar most nights."

Morgan chuckles. "A bouncer? You!?"

"Hey! I might not look like much, but I did train with Avengers. I could probably give you a run for your money, agent Morgan."

"Okay, okay," he muses.

"I also work as private security for Stark Industries when they throw galas. If you need the exact dates I've been working, I can get that for you."

"Please," JJ says. "Spencer's already vouched for you, but protocol and all that. You understand."

"I do. I'll just- I'll text my bosses to email my clock-ins and clock-outs."

Pulling out your phone, you immediately text your boss at the bar and Pepper Potts. You keep the explanation vague as to why you need it, but assure them it's very much needed for a case the FBI is working on. They completely understand and you even have to make Pepper swear not to get Tony involved.

The emails come in not even ten minutes later and JJ happily takes your phone to run the dates with Penelope, promising to be quick about it. You remain in your seat, watching as Morgan and Emily walk towards the board and start tossing their thoughts back and forth over what they've learned so far.

Your hands are atop the table, thumbs chipping away the already chipped nail polish you have on. The second you raise your hand with the intent of chewing on your thumb nail, Spencer catches your hand. "You okay?" He quietly asks and you stare at him. He then lets your hand go as you pull them back into your lap.

"Yeah. Just getting kind of tired. And a bit anxious. Someone's targeting ex-SHIELD agents and I- well I'm one of those people."

"No one is going to hurt you, Y/N. I promise."

You feebly smile, not taking his words to heart because you know he can't actually keep that promise. He might want to, but you know better than to take these types of promises seriously in situations such as this.

JJ reappears, a bright smile in place as she hands you your phone. "I'm pretty sure Penelope programmed her number in there."

"That's fine." You chuckle. You lay your phone on the table, giving your attention back to Emily and Morgan who's now being joined by JJ.

"Guys, Garcia is having a ball right now. There's so much information she wasn't privy to before, but I'm not sure how any of it is going to help more than Y/N already has." Emily and Morgan look at JJ, waiting for her to explain. "We already know victims weren't the best at hand-to-hand, which the unsub clearly took advantage of. But we need to know what they were presently doing and if they were checking in with anyone because there are a lot of dead ex-agents. That's not a coincidence. Either someone who's ex-SHIELD or HYDRA is picking off ex-agents one by one, or someone who has a grudge against SHIELD found a list of ex-agents and is working their way down the list."

"Where do we even start?" Morgan asks, incredulous. "SHIELD technically doesn't exist anymore and those who are operating in the shadows are nearly impossible to track down thanks to the Avengers. None of them are exactly easy to get a hold of after General Ross made it his personal mission to bring in James Buchanan Barnes for crimes HYDRA made him commit. They like working on their own."

"We'd have to jump through a bunch of hoops just to get a face to face," Emily says, sighing. "If we're lucky they'll want in on the case since it's related to SHIELD."

"Um, actually.." You nervously raise your hand, calling all attention on you. "You can bypass all those hoops."

Emily stares at you, sitting on the edge of the table as she crosses her arms over her chest. "You still have connections, don't you?" At your sheepish grin, she huffs in amusement. Every other team member straightens with hope in their expressions.

"Agent Prentiss, I am the connection." As you pick up your phone once more, JJ and Morgan step closer to the table. You scroll through your contacts, finding the one you need and tapping on it. Then putting it on speaker, you try to soothe your nerves as the ringing through the speaker seems to make the atmosphere of the room become tense.

The ringing stops as the connection is made and then, "Well, well, well. If it isn't my second favorite human on God's green Earth." You roll your eyes at the charm oozing from him. "What kind of trouble are you in now, doll?"

Emily and JJ's eyes widen, and you shake your head in amusement. "Put your boyfriend on the line, Barnes. I'm calling in a favor."

"Are you calling to finally take us up on that offer of joining us for a night?"

Everyone in the room seems to freeze, although Morgan is highly enjoying where this seems to be going. You close your eyes, scrunching up your nose. You can't believe they just heard that. "Steve really needs to put a muzzle on you."

"Well if you're into that-"

"Bucky!" You bark. "You're on speaker." Morgan finally loses the battle with his laughter and you wish you can sink into your chair. Instead you have to settle for just insanely blushing and covering your face with one hand. "I'm currently with the BAU of the FBI. They have a case that they could use some help on."

"Oh." There's a beat of silence. "Christ, Y/N. You should have stopped me sooner. Stevie's gonna lecture me again. Hold on. I'll go get him."

The line goes silent and you nervously meet Spencer's gaze. He's the only one who doesn't seem as amused which is why you don't find Bucky's greeting as funny as you normally would. Something about his expression actually makes you wish Bucky hadn't said anything.

"Y/N?"

You sit a little straighter in your seat. "Hey, Cap."

"What's going on? Buck mentioned the FBI."

"Uh yeah. I'm with Agents Prentiss, Morgan, Jareau, and Doctor Reid," you tell him. "They've been dealing with a case that had gone cold and well I kind of made a connection they hadn't seen before because they couldn't, and uh I'm sure they could use your help."

"What was the connection?"

You look at Emily and she nods, letting you tell him. "Steve, all the victims are ex-SHIELD. Specifically agents who wouldn't have had too much training; who couldn't hold their own without a gun in hand."

There's a sharp inhale. "What do they need?"

Emily's eyes close in relief and she holds her hand out for your phone. You happily oblige her and hand it over. "Captain Rogers, this is Special Agent Emily Prentiss. I'm the one in charge of my team here."

"Hello, Agent Prentiss. How can my team and I be of help?"

"Well we mainly need to pick your brains and ask some questions. We're aware that SHIELD is still operating to an extent, even if it is in the shadows, so we'd like to know if the victims were still affiliated with you. If we're dealing with someone who is or was from SHIELD or HYDRA, we'd like to have you involved since you have more experience with how they operate."

"That's fine. I'll gather my team and set up a room. Are you okay to set up base here in the Compound?"

"Yes!" JJ says, starting everyone. She clears her throat and calms herself. "Yes."

Steve chuckles. "Very well. Gather everything you need. I'll be sending a quinjet for you all since it'll be faster. Y/N knows the pick-up location."

"Thank you so much, Captain Rogers."

Emily hands you the phone and seeing that the call is still connected, you say, "Hey, Steve? Thanks for this."

"It's not a problem, sweetheart. Are you okay though? You're an ex-shield agent yourself."

"I know, but nothing has been out of the ordinary. I'm okay."

"Good. You coming too?"

"I was actually planning on going home after driving the agents to the location. I'm not an active agent anymore, bub."

"I know you're not, but with that agent neighbor of yours coming here I rather have you here as well so we can keep an eye on you." You sigh at his protectiveness. "Bring a change of clothes for a week. I'll have Nat get a hold of your boss and let him know some of what's going on so you'll have a job to go back to once all of this is over."

"You're a pain in the ass, Rogers."

Steve laughs. "See you soon, Y/L/N."

The call ends and you set your phone down. Glancing up, you smile sheepishly at the team staring at you. "So, uh, I guess I'm tagging along. Sorry about that."

Emily opens her mouth, her words getting stuck as she shakes her head in amusement. "Don't be. You got us working with the Avengers within minutes as opposed to taking hours, possibly even a day if I had to put in a request."

Morgan whistles appreciatively. "This is insane. I'm gonna give Garcia a heads up about our field trip. Expect another tag a long. I don't think she'll pass up this opportunity."

You chuckle as JJ says, "Rossi is going to be so pissed he took a vacation and missed out on working with the Avengers." Then looking at you, she adds, "Do you think Spider-Man will be there? My son absolutely loves him and I would be the coolest mom ever if I got a picture or video with him."

"I'm sure Pe- uh, I'm sure Spider-Man will make an appearance," you say. "He's always hanging around after his classes are done for the day."

JJ's eyes widen. "You totally know who he is."

"I do. And let me tell you, he absolutely adores kids. Ask and he'll happily oblige."

"Guys. Guys!" Emily says. "Case first, fangirl later."

Spencer snorts and you elbow him on reflex. He grumbles, Emily and JJ grin, and you innocently smile at Emily. "Sorry, Agent Prentiss. I'll just- I'll go sit on that couch over there so I'm not in the way."

Emily starts telling her team what needs to be done, repeating herself again when Morgan returns with a clearly excited Garcia. Morgan informs everyone he'll go gather the boxes of files while Spencer immediately sets out to disassemble the board of pictures and post-its. Garcia excitedly rushes back to her own office to pack up a few things, while Emily and JJ figure out what all they'll need to be taking with them.

To keep yourself occupied, you waste a few minutes by playing a game on your phone.

You're not sure how much time has passed, but someone hesitantly sitting next to you takes your attention off your phone. Glancing up, you see Spencer sitting there and realize everyone else has cleared out of the room. "We should be ready to head out in about ten minutes."

"Oh. Okay."

There's a moment of silence and then, "Soo.. Bucky Barnes." He chuckles, running a hand through his hair, and you can tell his amusement isn't exactly genuine. "He's- he's not the type of person I pictured you with if I'm being honest."

"Barnes?" You snort. "Ew. No." Spencer seems surprised by your reply. "Bucky likes to flirt with me because he knows it won't go anywhere. He's well aware of the actual person I have a crush on and he respects that. Mostly."

"O-Oh? So there is someone in the picture then?"

"Well, not really," you say. Squirming in your seat, you're not totally comfortable with the direction this talk has taken until you see you're not the only one squirming. Spencer is avoiding eye contact, but he's also clearly awaiting your answer. There's also a telltale flush up the side of his neck to the tips of his ears, and- oh. Oh. Seeing how nervous Spencer suddenly is makes you feel better. So better, in fact, that you feel you should speak up about something that you've kept secret for a while. "Well I mean I'd like there to be," you say, grinning when he freezes. "The thing is, he actually lives down the hall from me." Cue him holding his breath. "He's totally adorable, but also secretly hot which is so unfair, and he works for the FBI." Spencer's head snaps in your direction, eyes wide. You smile sheepishly and shrug. "The only downfall is that he's way too good for someone like me, so I settled for friendship."

Your heart is beating terribly fast and the only thing keeping you glued to your seat is Spencer grinning bashfully, cheeks pink. "If you ask me, I don't think he's too good at all. I-If anything, he probably thinks you were too good for him which is why he never made his own feelings known."

Relief washes over you and you laugh. "We're idiots, huh?"

Lips pressed together, he smiles wide. Then, "A little."

"Rain check on this discussion? We've got Avengers to greet and you have a case to solve."

"Of course!" Spencer hastily stands, offering you a hand up. Grinning, you take it and let him pull you to your feet while shoving your phone into your back pocket. "Wherever we're going, is it okay to leave our vehicles there?"

"Yeah. It's private property and pretty secluded. No one gets in without codes."

"Okay then. We'll swing by our building for your bag and then you can direct one of the drivers while the other follows."

"Sure. Sounds like a plan."

Because of the connection between the list of victims, you have an escort up to your apartment while you pack a bag. Emily and JJ happily accompany you, leaving Spencer to fend for himself with Morgan and Garcia.

In your apartment, the two female agents waste no time in subtly trying to figure out your exact feelings for their dear friend and you take great amusement in skirting around the answer they so desperately try to pry out of you. And it's only after your duffel is packed do you tell them you and Spencer had admitted some things to each other, but you are planning to talk about it further after their case is closed. JJ seems oddly giddy and Emily coos about their boy genius growing up. You blush, relieved that they've taken a to liking to you. Then when you get back to the vehicles, you know Spencer has been questioned as well given the smirks being sent your way.

The drive to the field isn't long and the team is impressed by the level of security for a seemingly abandoned airfield. There's an unmanned gate which you get off at to speak for voice recognition, punch in a specific code, give a hand print, and then secretly have your forefinger pricked for a blood sample. Then when the gate swings open, you quickly climb back into the car and instruct Emily towards the second gate where a guard sits. The guard greets you warmly and, after you introduce those in the vehicle with you, he assures you he knows all about the impending pick-up.

"So what exactly are we in for?" Morgan asks. You're all waiting in an opened hangar, the boxes they'd packed sitting on the ground.

"Your perceptions about them are about to be changed," you admit. "I'm sure you've all told yourselves that the Avengers are just like you and I, but you have no idea how true that it is until you meet them."

"Who is the nicest?" JJ wonders.

You take a moment to think about. "Honestly? They're all nice, but if I had to choose I'd choose Spider-Man. It's hard not to like him. The kid's a puppy."

"Who gives the best hugs?" Garcia quickly adds.

Everyone chuckles at her eagerness. "That's a tough one," you say. You ponder on it for a moment. "I say it's a tie between Steve and Thor. They hug full on, chest to chest. None of that half-assed, one arm hug nonsense."

Garcia practically swoons. "Oh to be wrapped up in those beefy Asgardian arms." You snort and shake your head in amusement.

Another twenty minutes pass and you regale Spencer and his friends about some of your work with SHIELD. But all too soon the telltale sound of a quinjet reaches your ears and when you look up you see one incoming.

"Well that was hella fast," Garcia muses when she spots the quinjet herself.

JJ grins. "Stark technology. Gotta love it."

Emily nods in agreement. "We definitely need an upgrade."

Whoever is flying the quinjet lands it with ease, and Spencer, Morgan, and JJ immediately pick up their boxes. Shouldering the strap of your duffel bag, you start heading towards the quinjet when the ramp is being lowered and the team follows a few steps behind.

Clint Barton walks off the ramp and you chuckle, hurrying your steps. Both your arms go around his neck and one of his arms wraps low around your waist. "Short stack," he says. "What trouble did you get into now?"

"Why does everyone assume I'm in trouble?" You pout as you pull back, pinching his cheek and cooing before stepping back out of range. "And what are you even doing here? Shouldn't you be on the farm with those precious little heathens?"

"I was, but Laura had leftovers for Nat and Wanda. I was just dropping them off when Steve rounded up the team."

"Oh nice." Then turning around, you gesture to the BAU team. "Clint, meet Special Agents Emily Prentiss, Derek Morgan, Jennifer Jareau, Doctor Spencer Reid, and the brains of the beauty of the team Miss Penelope Garcia. Guys, meet Clint Barton formerly known as Hawkeye."

Everyone shakes hands, with the exception of Garcia who slaps his hand away and pulls him into a hug.

"Baby girl," Morgan laughs, "what are you doing?"

She squeezes a chuckling Clint before letting go, she then whirling on her own friend. "This is my first time meeting the Avengers. Do not take this from me!" Morgan's eyebrows raise in amusement, the whole team and Clint chuckling.

Then not wasting anymore time, Clint ushers everyone on board. He shows them where the boxes and your bag can be stowed before taking the pilot's seat up front, only to be joined by Morgan moments later in the co-pilot seat. You show Emily and Garcia how to buckle in, and then take your own seat between JJ and Spencer.

Clint counts down for lift off and you grip your harness as you feel the quinjet take flight. Spencer nudges you with his elbow and you glance at him, grinning to assure him you're okay. But when you can feel the quinjet picking up speed thanks to the feeling in your gut, you close your eyes and are thankful that no one brings up the fact that you're actually really nervous right now.

Your left hand is grabbed and gently pried from your grip on the harness, and your eyes fly open in surprise. You look towards your left and JJ smiles at you reassuringly as she squeezes your hand in comfort. Then when your right hand is grabbed and given the same treatment, you glance over at Spencer and can't help but blurt, "I-I've never been nervous about flying before."

"It's perfectly normal to subconsciously be nervous or anxious after we trudged up your past earlier," he says. "Just close your eyes and relax. We won't let anything happen to you."

You nod, smiling shakily and turn your head to rest it against the headrest of your seat. Then closing your eyes, you're grateful for the team not asking you anything for the duration of the ride. Instead, they save their questions for Clint who's all too happy to answer what he can.

You know the Compound's come into view when Morgan whistles in appreciation. Clint lands to quinjet with ease and then everyone's unbuckling themselves when he gives the go ahead. Before you can grab your bag, however, Spencer is grabbing it and beaming at you when you sigh with mock annoyance.

One by one the BAU team disembarks after Clint, leaving you and Spencer to bring up the rear. You hear Clint introducing everyone and notice everyone's congregated around in a circle. Then just as you and Spencer join, you notice that Garcia is petting Bucky's vibranium arm. You snort, catching an amused Steve's attention.

"Y/N," he greets.

"Steve." You step forward, briefly hugging him and then Bucky. As you step back in line, you gesture towards Spencer to introduce him. "This is Doctor Spencer Reid. Spence, this is Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes."

Steve leans in for a handshake, but then pauses mid-shake. "Wait. Spencer Reid? The Spencer Reid?" He grins. "Are you- are you and the agent neighbor one in the same?"

You sharply inhale, eyes widening when everyone turns to stare at your rapidly blushing face. Steve's grin turns rather teasing and your eyes narrow at him. "Two words; octopus dick." Steve's amusement vanishes, and everyone turns towards a now blushing Steve as Bucky guffaws. You turn your gaze on him next. "I don't know why you're laughing, dolphin boy."

Bucky immediately shuts up and Steve shakily grins before addressing the team. "Okay! Now that we've all been introduced, lets get inside before Y/N starts a war she can't finish."

Morgan and JJ are the only two to follow after Steve, Bucky, and Clint. Emily and Garcia remain with you and Spencer, and both females look to you with pleading eyes.

"Please tell me how four innocuous words got two supersoldiers to blush like that?" Garcia asks, Emily nodding along with her. "I need to know!"

"Sorry, girls," you tell them. "Those stories get out and I'm dead meat."

The both of them grumble about not getting answers, but move on without fuss. Before you can follow, however, Spencer steps closer to you. "You won't even tell me?" He asks, voice quiet.

You huff. "You already know."

Spencer's answering smile is enough to make you roll your eyes and he's quick to keep pace with you as you enter the building. There are numerous people milling about, but since it's late most of the trainees are in bed. Every piece of furniture and fixture still seems brand spanking new, so you don't blame the BAU team looking around in awe.

Heading into the chosen office, you lead Spencer inside before catching Steve's attention. "I'm gonna let you guys get to work. I'll be setting up in my room if anyone needs me."

No one objects, so after taking your bag from Spencer you take your leave. You leisurely make your way towards the living quarters of the compound and find your room with ease. Opening the door, the familiarity of it brings a tired smile to your face. The lamps have been turned on, awaiting your arrival, and even the TV has been turned on with its volume on low. The walls and bedding is the same as everyone else has, but you know it's your room because of the personal pictures on the dresser and bedside tables.

Since you're going to be staying until the case is over and then probably a couple days more after, you decide to put your clothes in the dresser rather than leave it in your bag for the entire time. After that's done and you've switched your TV to a movie you like, you pick out a standard set of black sleep pants and a blue/gray shirt that every trainee at the compound wears to bed so you can shower before crawling into bed yourself.

You're grateful for the private bathroom and even more grateful to see the products you use already waiting for you. You turn on the water to the shower, grab a towel from the bathroom closet and set it on the counter along with your change of clothes before you start to strip.

You keep your hair in a topknot as you shower since you had washed it earlier that morning, so your shower is over within ten minutes. Then by the time you're dried off and dressed in fresh clothes, and your teeth are brushed, you exit the bathroom.

Stepping into your room, you startle at the sight of Spencer sitting on the small cushioned bench at the foot of your bed. He's staring up at the moving playing, the corner of his lips quirked up in amusement. But at your small gasp, he looks towards you, lips spreading into a fond smile.

"Captain Rogers said it was okay that I wait for you. I don't mean to intrude."

"Spence," you huff a laugh and then continue on towards your bed, "we have keys to each other's apartments and sometimes barge in without warning. I think you waiting in here is more than okay."

"Just needed to make sure," he says, "what with this being a new place and all."

"Mhmm." You sit on the edge of the bed that's right behind the bench, putting your feet on the cushion beside Spencer and practically hug your knees as you stare at him. "How did everyone settle in?"

"E-Everyone's good." Spencer turns sideways, grinning up at you. "We got our own rooms here so we don't have to be back and forth from a hotel. When we left, Garcia was being introduced to the holographic tables and now I don't think she's going to sleep tonight."

You chuckle. "I knew she'd fall prey to all the pretty tech here." He chuckles along with you. "And how did everyone take the news to hearing the details about the case?"

"They're taking it very personally," Spencer tells you. "Mr. Barton even asked to stay on as a consultant. He and agent Romanoff are not very happy."

"Well they might not be as smart as you, Doc, but I think they're going to be a big help. You guys will be out of here in no time with the bad guy in cuffs."

"Is that so?" He muses. You grin and nod. "And if we're out of here in no time, are we still waiting until you go home for that discussion we still need to have?"

"We can table the discussion," you say, "but I really need to do this before I chicken out."

"Do what?"

Without thinking too much more about it, you reach out to cradle Spencer's jaw in the palms of your hands. You bring his face closer to yours, pausing with barely an inch between your lips. It seems he's held his breath in surprise, but when he notices you're waiting for some sort of unspoken permission it's him who closes the gap.

There's nothing heated or rushed about the kiss- it merely being a chaste kiss of several little pecks before he catches your bottom lip between his teeth. You smile, your lip popping free from where it stretches, and you giggle as he leans up to chase your lips.

"Ahem." The interruption causes you to jerk back from Spencer, eyes wide when you catch sight of Bucky leaning against your door jamb and looking quite smug. "Hope I'm not interrupting." You groan, laying your forehead on Spencer's shoulder while he quietly snorts. "So with this new development, does this mean our threesome will now be a foursome?"

You can't help but laugh and sit straight once more so you can see your friend. Unfortunately, the question actually gives you pause and there's a split second where you actually give it thought. But in the next moment your nose wrinkles and you shake your head. "What? No!"

He points at you, eyes gleaming. "You paused! You paused which means that no just turned into a maybe. I'm gonna go tell Stevie we're back in the game!"

"James!" Spencer finally laughs and you groan again when Bucky pushes off the door jamb, whistling as he walks away. "I hate my friends."

"Just wait until Morgan finds out. It'll be worse." Spencer chuckles as you sigh, and he gets up before walking around to the side of your bed. He places his palms down on the mattress, leaning over you to kiss you once more. "I'm gonna go to my room before Sergeant Barnes brings back reinforcements."

"Okay. I'll probably see you around the compound, but I'll do my best to stay out of your hair while you're looking for your unsub."

"Are we still talking after?"

"Of course. Well we can either talk or order in some Chinese and hole up in one of our apartments for a weekend. Your call."

"I like the second option," he says.

"I figured you would." You kiss him one last time and then push against his chest. "Now go. We'll figure things out soon."

[mileapokp1677]

Three Steps to Win You (CH 17)

Title: Three Steps to Win You

Rating: M

Pairing: DaddyChan/Tankhun, Kinn/Porsche, Vegas/Pete

Category: M/M, AU Nerd-Jock

Summary: Accidentally, scientist Tankhun Theerapanyakul embarrassed footballer Captain Chan "Daddy" Knight in front of his coach, teammates and fans. He had to fulfill three tasks from the captain before his apology was accepted.

Chapter 17

(Tankhun POV)

Monday Morning 

As usual, at 7.30 AM sharp, Tankhun was already in the queue line of the Hattrick to buy his favorite Americano. He decided to get a jumbo size coffee today, gods knew he needed it. There was too much stuff and drama that happened last weekend. Good thing he looked absolutely stunning today wearing the blue Ferragamo Navigator sunglasses, black classic Ferragamo combat boots and a navy/white mini spot ascot tie from Turnbull & Asser. His boring white shirt and skinny black pants for work, for sure, no longer looked plain. 

Today was a slow day for the cafe, because it only took Tankhun less than 10 minutes from the time he started queuing until he could sip his first coffee of the day. His coffee, like always, was perfect and so was today's weather. For that, he felt so grateful. 

Ah~ I feel so much better already

Call it a de ja vu but suddenly Tankhun felt the exact same way as he felt weeks ago when he met Chan for the first time here. As soon as he thought of something positive, things just took a 180 degree turn fast. 

Click! Click!

Fuck, Anna Banana proved to be very efficient. Tankhun even willing to bet his new sunglasses that currently, there was one or more paparazzi behind him, ready to take pictures of him.

Well, Tankhun had been reading fashion magazines since he was 10 years old, and he knows exactly the best angles for his face and body. If that evil woman had meant to post an ugly photo of Tankhun, it would never have happened, for he would never have allowed it.

Bring it on!

Tankhun calculatedly turned his body 45 degrees to his right, showing off his perfect profile, he then opened his mouth a little, lifted his chin slightly, and put his long neck on display. Hold that pose...

Click! Click! 

That’s a perfect Naomi... How about a Tyra now?

Now Tankhun, facing in the direction that he believed the paparazzi were hiding, pushed the navigator sunglasses over his head and left them there. He then dramatically took a sip of his hot coffee while both of his eyes staring intently at the front. Smizing now…

Click! Click!

Afterward, Tankhun slowly lowered his sunglasses so it perched perfectly on his nose again before turning his body 180 and walking catlike towards the university, with a satisfied smile on his lips. Once he entered the university area and was sure the paparazzi could no longer stalk him, Tankhun took his cellphone out of his bag and texted Chan.

[Tankhun T]

Your ex from hell is not wasting time. One or two papz following me from the Hattrick. I'm at the Uni now, and I think they're no longer following me, but who knows for sure, right? 

Instead of replying to the text, Chan gave Tankhun a call, who picked it up immediately.

"Are you okay?" asked Chan, who sounded a bit worried, straight to the point.

"I'm fine. As a matter of fact, I’m super fine. You just wait until they post my pictures. I look so~ fabulous if I may say so myself."

Chan chuckled before responding, "I've no doubt. You always look great, baby."

“Chan! What do I say about-”

“Wait! Tankhun, hear me out first,” pleaded Chan. “I’m big on endearment, okay?”

“What?”

“Please bear it with me, but I always call my special one with an endearment and she knew all about it.”

Tankhun sighed. “Seriously!? So, no option but to do it?” 

“Yes. So, please?” the captain pleaded again. “Please?"

“I can’t believe I agreed to this,” said Tankhun. “But you only get to choose one, okay? And please no sugar or honey or DEAR, I hate them.”

“Thank you… baby?” replied Chan delicately. “How about it? I already called you baby twice in front of Anna.” 

Baby?

Tankhun didn't know what had happened to him exactly, maybe he had gone mad, but his face suddenly felt a bit hot and…  fuck, did he just blushing?  

Tankhun Theerapanyakul get hold of yourself, you’re not a fucking teenager anymore, for God’s sake. 

“Tankhun?”

“Y-yes?” 

Tankhun closed his eyes. Damn it to hell! He never stammered, never.  

“Is it acceptable?” asked Chan.

"What?"

"Baby, is it acceptable to call you that?" inquired Chan, making sure.

“Yes… Yes, it is,” affirmed Chan, with a steady voice.

“Do you think you can ask your boss for a longer lunch time today?”

“It can be arranged, but why?” 

“I’m at the stadium near the Hattrick right now, for morning practice,” explained Chan. “Let’s have lunch together. If those papz are still around the Uni, let's give them what they want.”

“I’ll talk to her and update you about lunch.”

“Okay. I’ll wait.”

“Chan?” 

“Hm?”

“I'm in front of the research center now, so I better go.”

“Okay, I’ll see you later, baby,” said Chan. “Be good for Daddy.”

“Ew~ Chan! What the fuck!” yelled Tankhun. “EW~~~” 

Chan laughed like a maniac. 

“Apart from that one time, when I asked for your autograph for Kim, I never called you Daddy ever again and I never will. You hear?” stated Tankhun firmly. 

“You know what they all say, right, baby?”

“What?”

“Never say never,” said Chan. “Ciao, baby.” 

“CHAN!” 

But the call has been disconnected. 

UGH! Damn that man! 

Tankhun stomped his feet on the ground in annoyance, but at the same time his heart beat faster.

Oh, God… 

******

(Chan POV)

BSFC Training Ground

Chan was still giggling as he put his phone in his personal locker. Even though the last two days had made his emotions go up and down like a roller coaster, today Chan was in a good mood. Of course when he got Tankhun's text earlier about the paparazzi he was a little worried, but those bastards indirectly have made it possible for him to have lunch with Tankhun. So he won't complain much.

“Was the one who just talked to you on the phone Doctor T, Cap?” 

Pete, who apparently was behind him and suddenly asked a question, took Chan by surprise, but of course he recognized his co-captain's voice.

"You've been sneaking up behind me a lot lately, Pete,” accused Chan as he closed his locker. 

"I didn't mean to do that, Cap. But lately you've been out of focus several times. Sometimes, you don't hear my footsteps or even my voice calling you," reasoned Pete.

Chan turned his body to face Pete and didn't know whether he liked the meaningful smile on the 25-year-old midfielder's face or not.

“What’s with that face?”

Pete softly laughed before responding, "Cap, I know it's none of my business, but the boys and I... we’re happy when you're happy. It's been a long time since we heard you laugh like you did on Saturday, or just now."

"Nosy."

"We think Doctor T is super cool!"

“You guys really like him?” asked Chan, testing the water. 

“Yes!” declared Pete firmly. “So, it was him on the phone, right? You look happy, by the way.” 

Chan just smiled and ruffled Pete's hair. "Let's start today’s training, my snooping co-captain!"

Pete laughed again.

"Yes, Sir!"

****** 

(Chan POV)

12.25 PM, the Research Center

“Hello there, I’m here to see Dr. Theerapanyakul,” said Chan to the Research Center receptionist, whose eyes were fixed on the computer screen in front of her.   

“Do you have an appointment with him, Sir?” asked her as she finally raised her eyes to look at him. “Oh my GOD! DADDY CHAN!?”

“Hi,” greeted Chan again. “Could you please tell Dr. Theerapanyakul that I’m here?” 

“Yes, of course, Sir!! Oh my God, Oh my God… I can’t believe this,” muttered the receptionist, looking so frantic. “Ah, I’m so sorry, Sir! I’m a huge fan of BSFC, it’s just shocking that you’re here! I had no idea that you and Dr. T…. Oh, never mind, I’ll inform him right away.”  

“Wait, on a second thought… What's your name?” asked Chan. 

“Sunny, Sir.” 

“Could  you do me a favor, Sunny?”

******

(Tankhun POV)

12.35 PM, the Research Center 

“Professor Erica, if there's nothing else to discuss, may I return to my office? My date will arrive here any minute. He is very punctual,” requested Tankhun to his boss, the head of the Research Center. 

Instead of answering his question, Professor Erica, all of a sudden, stood up from her chair with a super shocked face, and screamed, "Your date is the Captain of BSFC!?"

Tankhun, who was also in shock, immediately stood up and responded to the Professor, "How did you know, Professor!?"

Professor Erica just pointed at something behind Tankhun's body with her finger, before she shouted at her assistant, "Cookie, bring me a marker and a paper now… STAT!"

No, no... no way in hell… 

Tankhun turned around quickly and sure enough Chan -- the bastard, who looked so bloody handsome in simple jeans and white t-shirt, was standing there. He was leaning against his boss's office door frame, in his hand he carried 3 white rose buds.

“Hi, baby,” greeted Chan with the biggest smile on his face, which at that moment, Tankhun wanted to scratch so badly.

"Baby?” shrieked Professor Erica. “Tankhun Theerapanyakun, how dare you hide this from me!? I thought we're friends!”

I’m so~ dead  

TBC

AN: The phrase "Ciao, Baby" was inspired by Peter Knight aka Daddy Chan's ig story clip that he made to say goodbye to fans after KPTS finished airing. Those of you who have never seen the clip, you must see and hear for yourself, how sexy Daddy Chan's accent is when he says the word baby. faint

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 141

Last week I posted a day early because vacation was doing vacation things to my sense of time.... This week I forgot to queue the chapter up because Monday was a work holiday, so I forgot today was Tuesday. *insert facepalm here please*

Thanks on this one go largely to @baelpenrose who rightfully pointed out that one part made very little sense to him and therefore was unlikely to make sense to a reader.  The clarification smoothed things out quite a bit, I think.  Just in case, whoever spots the area I’m talking about gets a cookie as soon as travel restrictions lift.

As always, thanks go also to @the-raven-fae, @charlylimph-blog, and @anotherusrname for completing the corners of my support system. And, a super-duper extra-special to @drinksteawithcake! I don’t know if I am allowed to tell everyone why, but you know why you get the extra-special, and I hope you are having fun!

BWAAAAAHP!   BWAAAAAHP!

“Uhhh?” I squinted in complaint as flailing arms clambered over me. One pair snagged me around my waist to drag me from bed before depositing me shakily on my feet. “What are you - ?”

BWAAAAAHP!  BWAAAAAHP!

Any trace of sleep was shoved out of my system, replaced by sizzling alertness when I realized I was hearing ship-wide alarms.  Shoving myself into the first clothing I grabbed, not even bothering with shoes, I was hot on Conor and Maverick’s heels as we raced out of our quarters and into the corridor. We paused only long enough for both men to kiss me and for “I love yous” to be exchanged before they turned and headed toward the areas indicated on their datascreens, while I hauled ass toward the Archives, ducking and twisting to avoid anyone in my path.

“Forty minutes,” Tyche told me crisply as I basically fell through the door, panting. “The Ark could be invaded and the battle over by the time you make it.”

“I ran….huff….the whole….ugh….way….” I managed to gasp out.  Part of me felt like puking, but I was pretty sure the muscles in my abdomen were too busy to figure out the logistics.

Clicking her tongue, she pulled me up from the floor. “Alistair, make a note to suggest to Xio that Sophia’s quarters be relocated once we have a better idea of when we are dropping into real space.”

I nodded numbly. “And probably… amp up… sensors… give… earlier… warning.”

“Nice outfit, by the way,” she laughed quietly as we finally reached the shelter point within the Archives.

Glancing down, I had to suppress a sigh. The first thing I grabbed to dress myself had apparently been a pair of Conor’s boxer shorts and a very filthy t-shirt that I assumed belonged to Maverick, since Conor’s was usually under coveralls. “At least you can’t say I took my time getting dressed.”

Her shaking head was greeted by faces in various states of wakefulness - this had been a drill, and woke nearly the entire Ark during their sleep interval on Delta shift.  But we weren’t out of the woods, yet: the drill didn’t end until all of Xiomara and Evan’s scenarios played out, including the mock combat and various tests of concealment for the other shelters.  As such, Tyche stood guard over the choke-point into this section, while Alistair had stayed behind at the entrance.

Early on, when the drills started, there had been fifty-fifty odds that the mock-invaders would make it this far, but over the past few weeks, that had narrowed to maybe twenty-percent.  It was still too high a chance in my judgement, and Xiomara clearly agreed as she stepped up training schedules and randomized the timing of the drills. 

Taking a swig of water from a stash of bottles, I queued up my datapad and stood next to Tyche, watching the ‘casualties’ from a point where no one could see over my shoulder to avoid panic, which I would have done in a real situation. “They didn’t find mess hall seven this time,” I murmured.

She glanced at my screen. “Acoustics are still too damned high. She must not be simulating for that this go around.”

One of the decoy locations lit up. “Looks like this time it’s heavy on thermal.” The location in question had been equipped with a cooking surface, triggered to activate when the klaxons that had woken me up went off.  Which Xiomara knew, but did not tell the ‘pirates’ for authenticity.

“How did they get past the combatants this time?” She asked, both curious and slightly worried.

Rolling back the sensor data, I watched it carefully. “Looks like these got in during the initial breaches, multiple points. But the line has held since, that’s good.”

Doing another check toward Alistair’s direction, she didn’t seem to see anything concerning. “How many?”

“Four,” I confirmed.  “Sam’s thermal camouflage is working beautifully, though.”  I couldn’t help but grin, and Tyche snorted at the same time. ‘Thermal camouflage’ was a bit of overkill as a name, but it was working well in every round. Potential access points were equipped with fast-acting environmental simulators - originally designed for temporary habitats on inhospitable moons - modified to release atmosphere like a Terran equatorial rainforest within one minute in an enclosed space.  It was a much more simple and elegant solution than any others we had found for giving combatants defending the Ark an advantage - instead of trying to create technology to make them look colder, make the entire area match human heat signatures.  Boom, instantly blinded enemies.

A tense half-hour later, the ‘all clear’ sounded, queueing grumbling from those who had dozed back off as everyone stood to make their ways back to their quarters. I waited with Alistair and Tyche for everyone else to be accounted for on the way out, and the three of us headed back toward our quarters together.  Alistair peeled off first, living closest to the Archives, and no sooner had my sister and I reached my door than the page sounded for the post-drill meeting.  She waved me off as she answered on her databand, and I did the same as I pushed into my quarters and flopped on the couch. “Councillor Sophia Reid, present, audio only,” I answered. “And no jokes, Pranav… I look like I smell awful.”

“Alistair Worthington, present, audio and video. I can confirm that she does, and she does.”

Laughter filled the comms and the rest of the group leaders and Councillors joined the debrief.  Finally, everyone was present and Xiomara called the meeting to order.  First, the leaders of each shelter reported in, as those usually went the fastest. There were a couple malfunctions in the deployment of the shielding to disguise the entrances and hide heat and electrical signatures, but nothing Huynh’s team couldn’t fix.  Tyche and Alistair made the recommendations around earlier detection and the need to move those sheltering in the  Archives closer as we approached time to drop out of relativistic space. 

Once that was out of the way, it was on to the combat and invasion teams. Overall consensus was that Sam’s trick with the portable environments was a rousing success and would be installed at each point determined to be most likely as a breach, with trigger conditions to be determined later. “I hate to say it,” Michael sighed, “but we also need Charly’s team to crank up the scovilles on the arrows and grenades.” His team had played the ‘invaders’ this go around, equipped with sensors and readouts to simulate the effect our defenses would have on the various species who most commonly were found on pirate vessels.  Evan had worked intensely with Pranav and Derek to ensure that the strategies provided by the readouts were modelled after similar strategies based on which ever species each team member was assigned, to ensure we weren’t accidentally drilling against human tactics.

Michael hated it, but he was strict about his team complying nonetheless.

“Seriously?” I squawked, and I wasn’t the only one. “One of those things accidentally went off in my quarters…. Can confirm, they’re pretty potent.”

“They dissipated too fast against my team, and also the contact element left a lot to be desired. Charly, you may want to consider adding a sticking element.”

“Duly noted,” she chimed in with a yawn, her normal pep doused by being woken up and then the drop in adrenaline post-combat.

“What about the sonic weapons?” Xiomara asked, moving the meeting along.

“Still less effective than Nixe is on her own,” a familiar voice I couldn’t put a name to responded with a sheepish tone.  “How hard would it be to train more people to shatter glass with their voice?”

“Incredibly,” Grey stressed. “It takes a very unique combination of training and the right vocal chords.”

“Then we may need to work on adding a projection component.  The sonic devices can match the pitch, but not the actual tone and direction. They’re very effective given time and especially contact, but we need something more immediately disabling.”

Xiomara groaned. “Are we back to Mariah Carey on this one?” Objections exploded until she muted the comms. “It’s that or opera.” Votes started scrolling up the screen, and I could see Xio nod. “Opera it is.  Let’s find a suitable piece and try using more analogue-style speakers.”

“I still say that death metal would work better,” Arthur suggested as soon as the comms were back on.

“Annnnd we already tested it, I will remind you. The volume works, but the pitches aren’t high enough to hit a broad enough population of species sensitive to sound.” After that nearly-obligatory objection, the meeting continued going through reports from each combat team until finally Xiomara announced the end results. “I have to admit, this was one of our best drills yet. Ten percent casualties of the combatants defending the breaches, only two percent among non-combatants, and the invaders were only able to traverse three decks before they were subdued.” She let the cheers go for a couple seconds before getting everyone’s attention again. “Yes, great job on the improvements, but let me remind everyone - those numbers still leave us below threshold for a healthy genetic population. Engineering teams, make the necessary adjustments with whatever resources are necessary. Shelters Three and Seven, you will start training for armed and unarmed combat with Shelter Fourteen and Combat Team Two daily.  Sophia, your team will coordinate schedules. Any questions?”

There were no arguments, not even a groan or mutter as the meeting was dismissed. Before I could even add the new task to my agenda the next day, I received the notification that Alistair had beaten me to the punch.

Glancing at the time, I wanted to hit something.  I had to be back up and at work in four hours, and the realization weighed me down with exhaustion.  The guys had come in and gone to bed while I was in the debrief, and I could already hear synchronized snoring coming from the bedroom.  Rather than risk waking them with my now-frozen feet, I pulled the quilt off the back of my couch and rolled myself into it.  Only minutes later, a heavy weight oozed across my hip and started purring furiously.

“Yeah, buddy. I agree. We need a nap.”

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[haveyoureadthisqueerbook]

Unnatural by Joanna Chambers received 156 votes total. 5.1% of respondents answered YES, they have read it. 94.9% of respondents answered NO, they have not read it.

Captain Iain Sinclair has looks, charm, military honours—even the favour of the king himself. He has everything—everything, that is, except the friendship of the one man whose good opinion he has ever cared for, scientist, James Hart. James has loved Iain all his life, but after the last disastrous encounter between them, he vowed to accept no more crumbs from Iain’s table. If Iain cannot be the lover James wants, then James will have no more to do with him. Disenchanted with his career, and miserable without James in his life, Iain decides to leave military service and embark upon a new career in India. Before he leaves England behind, though, he is determined to try one last time to reconcile with his dearest friend. An invitation to a country house party from James’s sister provides the perfect opportunity to pin James down and force him to finally listen to Iain’s apology. But when Iain discovers that an apology is not enough—that James is not willing settle for less than a lover—he is forced to reconsider everything: his life, his future career, and most of all, his feelings for James. This novel features a different pairing than in earlier books in the Enlightenment series. It can be read as a standalone, but does contain some spoilers as to the events of book three. 

So I actually accidentally posted this instead of queuing it—I normally prefer to queue the books in a series in order! But this one is pretty standalone, like the summary says. I love all of Joanna Chambers's books, including this one.

[uh-drarry]

Day 6 - Sparkle

Warning: mentions of past child abuse (if you want more info, feel free to message me)

December 6, Day 6! This is from the wonderful list posted by @remus-john-lupin ! Thank you so much to @bisexualronaldweasley for beta-ing and making me laugh! You deserve a reward for this.

These are within the universe of my other content, but you do not have to read those to understand these. I won’t be making them all within the same time period, but they are the same au, they’ll just take place in different years. This one takes place when Wolfstar have been dating for three years (around 21 years old). Happy December and Happy Holidays!

There was only one gift left under Remus and Sirius’s Christmas tree. Remus was rather nervous to give it to Sirius. He’d accidentally stumbled onto something that he hadn’t known Sirius enjoyed, and he hoped he had been right in assuming that he would want to try it out. Grabbing the gift and bringing it back to the couch, he set it on his own lap and turned to Sirius.

“Erm, before you open this, I just want you to know that if you don’t like it, it’s easy to return. But I hope you like it.”

Sirius eyed him for a moment before smirking. Wagging his brows, he replied, “Is it a sex toy?”

Remus couldn’t help but laugh. “No, it’s not a sex toy. Here, open it up.” He handed over the bag and quietly watched Sirius pull out the tissue paper to uncover the many items at the bottom. Sirius froze, eyes slightly wider than normal.

When nothing happened, Remus started rambling. “I opened your laptop a little while ago to search something, and it opened to a paused video? It was a makeup tutorial and it was part of a whole playlist even, and I saw you were subscribed and had a whole playlist of makeup tutorials queued. I thought it was probably something you’d want to try and, honestly, I think you’d look-” 

Sirius interrupted, “Moony, makeup is for girls.” 

Taken aback, Remus didn’t know what to say at first. “What? Sirius, makeup can be for anyone.”

“No, it’s meant for girls. Remus, men don’t wear makeup, it’s how it is.”

“Who on earth told you that men can’t wear makeup, Sirius? David Bowie wore makeup, Prince wears makeup, I’m sure male models have to wear it, I would wear it if someone wanted to do it for me.” Remus paused for a second, thinking. “It was your parents, wasn’t it? They told you men shouldn’t wear makeup?” Sirius nodded minutely, and finally met Remus’s gaze with glassy eyes.

“What happened, Sirius?” As soon as he asked, Sirius started crying. Quickly moving closer, Remus wrapped him in a hug and kissed his hair as Sirius rested his head on Remus’s shoulder. 

A couple minutes later, Sirius turned his head so he could speak. “When I was fifteen,” he broke off and rubbed his eyes, pushing a hand through his hair before starting over. “When we were fifteen, the girls at school really started wearing makeup. Like actually trying to look good and learn things. I thought it was fascinating. It enhanced the things they wanted, but hid blemishes and whatever else, you know? So I asked Lily where she got hers but she just asked if I wanted a couple things instead, of course I said yes, I was so excited. 

“I never saw other boys take an interest. But the girls were so nice, they taught me some things and they each let me borrow things and gave me some stuff too. They’d even place orders for me, and I’d pay them back. I didn’t want my parents knowing about it, so I couldn’t use my account.” Sirius shifted against Remus, then continued.

“We would get together some evenings to do each other’s makeup and I loved how it looked on me when they did it. So they taught me how to replicate it. When I went home for summer though, Mother caught me putting it on one night. She, erm, made me too afraid to ever put it on again. And then she took all my makeup away. When we went back to school, I stopped talking to the girls about it, even though I wanted to. But I was too afraid of her hearing about it. I know it’s been three years since I’ve seen them but every time I think about trying again, I hear her voice in my head, and then I can’t. I watch the videos because I don’t hear her. I’m not putting the makeup on myself, so it’s fine.”

“Oh, baby,” Remus said, and pulled Sirius into a tight hug. He could feel more tears seep into the sleeve of his shirt, but he just rubbed Sirius’s back until he was calmer.

“Would you want to put it on me first?” Remus asked. “Would you still hear her voice then?”

Sirius sat up, looking at him with wide eyes. “Really?” Remus nodded, smiling at Sirius’s incredulity. Sirius immediately reached back into the bag, pulling each item out to lay on the coffee table in front of them and inspecting everything Remus had bought.

“How’d you get all the basics, as well as other stuff? Also this is actually a good brand, what the fuck, babe?” Sirius laughed, starting to look excited at the prospect of using makeup once again.

Remus shrugged, smiling. “I did my research.”

“Well I commend you. Now come here.”

When Sirius had finished, he handed Remus a mirror. Remus was honestly shocked. “Sirius, holy shit, I look amazing! How did you do this? My eyes are so sparkly!”

“Lots of practice in school, and I watch a lot of videos, Moony.” He took the mirror from Remus and stood it on the coffee table for his own use while he sat on the floor to be at the same level. He got his foundation ready, but froze with the brush just a centimeter from his skin. A few seconds later he dropped his hand, and his head thunked onto the table, eyes squeezed shut.

Remus moved to sit next to him again. “Hey, Sirius, look at me.”

After a few deep breaths, he did as asked, and Remus continued. “I am a man, wearing makeup right now. Happily, might I add. Is this wrong?” Sirius shook his head. “Then why would it be wrong for you to wear makeup? You know what else you’ve told me about that your parents were against?”

“What?” Sirius asked quietly.

“They don’t like queer people. But we’re in a happy relationship. They don’t like long hair on men. But you rock your long beautiful hair every day. When we were in school they told you to join the football team, but you joined drama instead. They told you so many things were wrong and yet you are proud of who you are. You got away from them as soon as you could and found a family who loves you. Wearing makeup would just be another way to say a big ‘fuck you’ to your parents if it’s something you really do want to do.”

Careful of Remus’s makeup, Sirius moved a hand to his face and leaned in for a kiss. “Thank you, Re.”

Sirius turned back to the mirror with determination. He brought the brush back up to his face, and finally, slowly, took the leap.

[blushing-starker]

hiii darling!! saw you were a bit desperate for smth sweet and good so!!💗💗

i’ve sent this prompt to jae before, but i still adore the idea of little peter being in daycare and developing a fever! and daddy tony brings him to daddy stephens practice where he works as a family doctor. and so lil peter gets examined by his own daddy and cries in the cutest and most heart aching way when dada gives him an injection to bring down his fever🥺🌡

but tony comforts him of course!

“dada had to do that so you’ll feel better, baby.”

“i’ll see you later today at home, petey. i’ll bring you something yummy from the store, okay? now, go along with papa and cuddle loads with him till i get back home. that’s doctor dada’s orders.” - raf🐇

here you go! The first part while I crank out the second part. I know you read it already but I wanted to at least post it. Thanks for sending me the ask dear! I really appreciate it! 💓

It starts on Monday in the sandbox during recess. Peter doesn't really hang out in the small park right next to the classroom, prefers the cool temperature of the library where Miss Maria often turns a blind eye to his antics involving a screwdriver and the dismantling of any electronic device he and Ned can get their hands on. MJ, just a year older, is halfway sure the librarian purposely leaves old toys on the lowest shelf, but she isn't a snitch and it's, don't tell anyone though, fun to spend time watching the two boys figure out a way to pry open clocks.

His daddies are overjoyed their boy is like them, enamoured by how things work and how they could improve such things with the minimum of resources. In fact, Tony cried while talking over the phone with his mother, eager to tell Maria how her grandson replaced the wheel of a car the daycare was about to throw out in a few days. Peter, ever vigilant, had run to his daddy, afraid he was hurt or sad. He'd thrust the car into Tony's hand to make him feel better and Stephen's absolutely ridiculous husband sobbed harder while nearly suffocating their child in a hug. Maria sent Tony's old engineering kit from when he was a child and their Kleenex ran out the minute Peter wandered over to poke at it.

Stephen shouldn't tease Tony too much. After all, the doctor spent more time bragging about his little boy's intelligence than he did discussing his patients’ conditions. And maybe, just maybe, he sobbed in the bathroom when Ned came for a sleepover and loudly proclaimed his best friend had comforted another classmate when they fell and hurt their knee. Apparently, Peter had sent Ned to warn Miss Wanda while he calmly explained that all they had to do was elevate the area, clean with soap, wrap a Hello Kitty bandaid on the wound, get ice on it and be attentive to any signs of fever.

The whole thing was exactly, word for word, what Stephen had told Peter when his boy tripped on the sidewalk and roughed up a knee. Tony found him sniffling while cleaning out old anatomy books that suspiciously appeared in Pete's bedroom the next day.

They don't talk about it. But now the whole family has a bet on what the young boy's profession will be.

Yes, his daddies are happy he's shown an interest in their fields of study. Yes, they want him to explore and learn and have fun with different subjects. Thing is, they also know how important it is for a child to go outside and play with others. An intake of vitamin D was very good for a growing boy.

(That's bull, they would have gladly given ten thousand toys to Maria Hill for her to leave around the library so the trio could dismantle them. But then Miss Wanda cornered them in the hall and told them that no, Peter also needs a bit of sun and some interactions with people besides Ned, MJ and Shuri, a girl from another group who also liked the library. They begrudgingly agreed.)

So Monday morning after waffles drenched with too much syrup Stephen chooses to ignore are devoured by two sets of grabby hands, Peter’s daddies gently suggest he spend a few minutes playing outside with the others.

Peter pauses, screwdriver in midair and toy car set down on the table with careful movements. There's a little furrow between his brows, so identical to Stephen's that Tony wants to kiss both his boys for being the cutest people in the world. He refrains from doing so because ‘Peter needs to know when we're being serious, Tony, and that means no kisses during serious conversations’.

“Have,” oh no, their boy is chewing his lip, abort mission, abort, “have I been bad, dadas?”

Tony accidentally rams his elbow into his husband's ribs when pouncing on Peter and Stephen is very close to considering divorce. “No! No, baby, you've been good all month. Promise. Daddy and dada just want you to get a bit of sun, play around with the others for a few minutes and then sneak off into the library.”

“ Tony, that isn't what we agreed, oh Christ. “ This elbow jab was on purpose. Stephen stumbles out his chair, muffles the curse words against the kitchen counter while his horrible partner cradles Pete's face and presses kisses all over the boy desperately trying not to stab his daddy with the screwdriver.

“Don't listen to dada, you can spend five minutes out and then visit Miss Hill.”

“ Who? “ That scrunch is back and Tony loves Peter more than anything in the world. Well. No, he loves kissing Peter more than anything in the world. The boy giggles, reciprocates as much as he can until Tony cheats and tickles soft skin under a cotton sweater.

“Miss Maria, Tony. They call her by her first name instead of the last name. I'm getting some ice. Jesus, do you sharpen that thing?”

------

He can be a good boy. He's a good boy. Five minutes outside. Peter can be outside while Ned’s in the bathroom and MJ heats up her lunch for the day.

(Ned and Pete had the daycare mac and cheese; their bestie preferred homemade pizza.)

It's not that he dislikes the park; it's a cool park! There are slides and hiding spots and swings and trees for shade and the wheel that they're only allowed to be on if the teacher's controlling the speed. But the library is always slightly cold and full of adventure.

Sometimes they read a Star Wars book series laid on the floor in a circle with blankets and pillows Miss Maria brings them. If the trio feels tired, Shuri invites them over to the movie area her friends have set up with Disney films queued up. When their spirits are higher, electronics prepare to be dismantled.

Still. He can be good. And, besides Flash who doesn't really get along with him, all of Peter's classmates are nice and fun. The only problem is where to spend, Loki!

Peter runs to the sandbox, jumps over the bridge to a slightly odd looking Loki that's waving his hands in a general ‘no, don't run at me, slow down’ motion. He's too excited to not tackle the teenager that helps Miss Wanda during recess by entertaining twenty kids with wild tales full of magic and wonder.

Hands that never warm up that much immediately curl around a small body and there's a weakened chuckle buried in Peter's fluffy hair. “Hello, little puppy. Odd seeing you without your two companions. Odd seeing you at all, really, since that cute nose of yours is always buried in a toy or book.”

Pete smashes his face into a soft shirt, loves how safe Loki makes him feel with his hugs and hair ruffling. He likes Thor, too, although he prefers the younger brother a lot more. Which Stephen says is a bit unfair since the only reason Thor can't hang out with him as much as Loki does is because the blonde trains during recess with Sif and the others in the wrestling team.

Loki can change his voice a lot; a gift very few have, Peter's grandma once mentioned, and even fewer people use it well. Miss Wanda tries to take them to all the school plays so they can cheer on the others and break routine, but the first graders are very adamant on which theatre kid they love most. Thor's brother could paint the air and make even the most boring speech exciting to hear. Peter was obsessed, dragged his daddies to every play Loki was in and pleaded for a picture afterward. Not that he had to ask for long; the youngest of three would often take multiple shots with Peter before anyone else could even come close to him.

You could say Pete was Loki's number one fan. Which meant he knew how to distinguish between Loki's voices. After the face smashing ritual, he peeled away to squint at cheeks too pale and eyes too red. Relatively tiny fists curled around black cloth.

“Are you hurt, Loki?”

“Not at all, sweet puppy. I'm just sick. Thor and I went back home on Saturday and we seem to have caught a cold. Which is why it's probably better you don't stand so close, wouldn't want you getting sick. My parents decided we should stay home, but I left one of my books here, the one about Viking stories, remember, last Friday and came to pick it up. “

He remembers the book, a heavy thing with a leather cover and wolves drawn on pale paper every few pages. The story about Thor dressing up and tricking the giants is Peter's favorite. Imagining his Thor wear a bride's veil tends to make him giggle.

“So I can't have a kiss?” He pouts, peers at Loki through dark eyelashes, even wobbles a pink lip when it looks like he won't get what he wants. It works as soon as tears cloud his eyes. Like daddy, like son.

The teen sighs, leans down to plant a single kiss on Peter's forehead when a classmate nearby falls into the pit, sand goes up Loki's nose and the dark haired boy sneezes all over Peter.

-------

It takes an hour for him to start sniffling and complain about cotton in his head. Thirty minutes after that, Ned catches him wiping a runny nose with a sleeve. Said sleeve is completely drenched in less than a class’ duration. Miss Wanda calls Tony in to pick his boy up during a midday meeting he couldn't care less about as soon as the teacher says ‘it looks like a cold and he shows symptoms of a fever’.

He probably breaks ten driving laws in the span of fifteen minutes, but that's insignificant when you're friends with Mayor Rogers and your husband fixes up the arm of one Mr Rogers-Buchanan. Tony crashes into the principal's office, deflates with relief when he sees principal Fury teaching Peter how to unscrew a cabinet infamous for being creaky.

“And now I spray a little oil so it doesn't make the weird noises?”

“ That's right, now we take the can, spray just a tiny bit, like I showed you, that's good. Remember to always have a paper towel nearby in case it drips. Those are some very nice pants you have on and I'd hate to see them stained. “ Peter sticks his tongue out, carefully dabs under the oiled up hinge, motions a fond looking Fury to hand him the screwdriver, and gets to work.

Tony leans against the doorway, shushes his friend and Peter's godmother, Nat, when she comes in with coffee for Fury. They stay there, take it all in and realize Pete's growing up. They also realize they might win the bet.

“Ow! Gosh darn it, pinched my finger while getting the cabinet adjusted.” Fury sucks his finger, is probably running through much darker curse words in his head when Peter gently plucks his finger out and presses it against the cold side of a water bottle Miss Wanda most likely gave him to help the fever.

“Ice helps the inflammation, principal Fury. If it doesn't go down, and I don't think it will cuz this is just cold and doesn't have any ice in it, you should eat a snack and take some medicine. “ Tony swears he's never seen Fury more proud or pleased than in that moment.

“Your daddy tell you that, Peter?’

“ Oh no, sir. Daddy can't really, uh, his mind is too busy thinking about building robot bodies to think about human bodies. Don't tell anyone, but grandma says she saw him put butter on his elbow after he knocked it on the door. “

“Really? How old was he? Maybe he was small and didn't know any better.”

“ That was last week, principal Fury. Dada's the one that taught me all about the human body. Daddy couldn't figure out our medicine cabinet with an instructions manual and a Youtube tutorial. “

Tony clears his throat while Fury’s busy howling against the carpeted floor and Natasha cackles on her way to the infirmary.

“Hey, baby. Daddy's here to take you to dada’s.”

[alexcabotgf]

TAGGED BY: @retrodame thank u queen!!

1. Why did you choose your url? because miss alex cabot is girlfriend material. but i got the inspo from some blog i accidentally stumbled upon (i think it was alpacinosgf or something) and thought that url format was neat + i always liked urls starting with ‘a’

2. Any side blogs? a bunch but i rarely use any of them. from the (semi) active ones there’s my florence pugh blog, my studyblr and i’m also a member on horrorgifs

3. How long have you been on tumblr? 10 years YIKES i made my first blog in 2011, shortly after scream 4 came out

4. Do you have a queue tag? not anymore. at this point i don’t tag queued posts as anything other than the general tags

5. Why did you start this blog in the first place? i got tired of my old main so i remade

6. Why did you choose your icon? i like the emoji/transparent icons trend that’s going around rn and i recently switched back to this little white cloud one since it’s neutral toned and i don’t get overwhelmed whenever i see it on mobile app

7. Why did you choose your header? for aesthetic purposes only. i initially was gonna use a different screencap from emma but hated the way it turned out post coloring so i went with my current one instead

8. How many mutuals do you have? i don’t know my dude i’m too lazy to count

9. How many followers do you have? almost 2.7k

10. How many do you follow? 198

11. Have you ever made a shitpost? yes definitely on one of my old blogs

12. How often do you use tumblr a day? too much if we’re being honest

13. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? yes of course

14. How do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ posts? don’t like them. there are obviously posts that are important to reblog but putting anything like that on a post will put me off from reblogging it

15. Do you like tag games? i LOVE them. i love getting tagged but i hardly ever tag anyone in mine cause i don’t want to feel like i’m bothering people lol

16. Do you like ask games? YES

17. Which mutuals do you think are tumblr famous? idk i lot of them  i guess

18. Do you have a crush on a mutual? maybe, but maybe not, but maybe yes

[byunbaekby]

responding to feedback

a couple days ago, i posted a google form asking for some feedback on my social media au, apartment b23, and wanted to reply to some of the responses i received. these aren’t all of them, but just ones i wanted to respond to!

1. how do you like the story so far?

thank god no one picked yellow or green DJSDJ but i think you’re just all very nice ,,,,

2. when reading social media aus, what do you prefer?

based on these responses and where i want to go with the storyline, i’ll likely be adding some writing in upcoming chapters! it seems half of you are okay with that but others said that they would still read it if i added writing, so i will try to keep the writing to a minimum :)

3. what do you want to see more of? (ie. jeno x reader interactions, apartment b23 gang interactions, haechan, interactions with lia, drama, comedy, etc)

HAECHAN!! HAECHAN HAECHAN HAECHAN. Jeno kind of annoys me ngl :/ ik he’s the main character but damn, he really needs to up his game. for now we supporting yn x haechan.

LOLOL this is so funny because there were so many people supporting haechan,,, all of y’all love him. i mean, i do too but there’s a reason norenmin don’t hang out with him anymore 👀

ok tbh i really wanna see norenmin x hyuck and find out the tea,,,, hehe but let's also get this love triangle bread because we LOVE TO SEE THAT and also reader and lia interactions because lia best girl

speaking of the TEA there’s lots and i’m ready to spill it eventually hhhh. some people said they have an idea of what it might be, so i’d love to hear your theories as to why 00 line have broken up </3 and YES LIA best girl, get you a friend who wakes up at 3am to hear you rant

funny stuff,,, i guess?? and also reader bonding with rj and jaemin

i’m sorry, i’m not funny djdjsj 😭 the amount of times i’ve messaged mutuals like,,, “hey is this funny” AHAH i try

i want to see more of the little things that shine thru a character. you’re a really good author though that aspect (and most aspects) but i feel like the social media au part is slowing it down (like only showing one side of a character making it seem a bit boring when i know this storyline has it in for my little, mushy heart). a quick lil under 1k (or 1k) will help show the fluidity the characters have within themselves through its further description (or maybe a secret spam account that opens up on their feelings on the same feed 👀). this might also show some unpredictable things that you wouldn’t normally thing would fit into their character trope

this was actually really insightful for me! i get how a character can feel redundant so i definitely want to explore more of each characters’ background and personality. thank you for this! i actually considered a spam account for y/n but i’m scared for her because the amount of times i’ve posted accidentally on my main rather than my spam,,, embarrassing

4. any additional feedback? suggestions?

idk i guess...a bit more detail? like we barely know anything about the friendship dynamics of the characters and ik the rest of the boys are side characters but it would be nice to see casual conversations btw them. or then randomly tweeting @ each other. just to make it seem more real yknow? sure the story is centered around jeno and y/n but that doesn’t mean other characters should be ignored 🥺🥺 add more tiny details!! it’ll help bring your au to life.

ahhh yes i totally get this! i do really hope to expand more on the characters and their friendships, and once we get past the issue of y/n moving back in it’ll definitely be more prevalent, the way that all 4 of them (+ haechan) interact.

lol make this a hyuck x y/n fic and leave all of us dumbfounded pls 😔💞

you’re not the only person who said this AHAHA it’s so funny.  y’all: wanting hyuck instead of jeno me, knowing what happens: 👁👄👁 

yes queen you go i love you mwah take your time with updating! please don't stress yourself and i, as well as all your readers with not just apartment b23, wanna see you happy, healthy, and stress-free! <3333

aww thank you this is really sweet! i’ve been disappointed with myself because i have been falling behind, originally i had the first ten chapters queued and ready to go so i have to work on building up the next few chapters to stay ahead <33

Apartment B23 is one of the best smaus I've read and it's not even completed. I really look forward to reading more hehe <3

hhh thank you so much omg this is my first time doing an SMAU sooo i don’t think i’m that great but i’m honored 🥺

Some chapters are pretty short ik your very busy and pls dont overwork yourself just snth I noticed Love you 🥰

yeah, this is because of how i like my chapters formatted, there needs to be either 6 or 9 pictures happening and i don’t want to start something that can’t be finished or understood within a short amount of time! for example in chapter thirteen i wanted to include a part of y/n talking to renmin but i didn’t think i could fit it into only three pictures! but thank you hhh i’m trying to not overwork myself aha. love you too!

Hmm. Maybe Jeno being more lenient on his rules?

i mean, he kinda has to now unless he wants another issue to go down ,, then we will all beat him up AHA

I really love ur work!! please continue on writing!!goodluck on ur future stories!!mwah💞😽

this is really sweet, thank you! and thank you to everyone who has read and supported so far, and especially to anyone and everyone who partook in this survey. thank you! it’s really opened my eyes and given me insight on what the readers want to see, so i will definitely take those things into consideration <3

[like-i-need-a-hole-in-my-head]

Psychopolitics and Surveillance Capitalism

I queued this post quite a while ago and it posted last night while I was asleep. I’m reposting because I’ve been thinking about this a bit more since I first saw it. I’ve shortened the original quote here:

[H]ealing ... refers to self-optimization that is supposed to therapeutically eliminate any and all functional weakness or mental obstacle in the name of efficiency and performance. Yet perpetual self-optimization ... amounts to total self-exploitation. [...] The neoliberal subject is running aground on the imperative of self optimization, that is, on the compulsion always to achieve more and more. Healing, it turns out, means killing.

and had a look at this review. From the review: “[W]hat capitalism realised in the neoliberal era, Han argues, is that it didn’t need to be tough, but seductive. This is what he calls smartpolitics. Instead of saying no, it says yes: instead of denying us with commandments, discipline and shortages, it seems to allow us to buy what we want when we want, become what we want and realise our dream of freedom. “Instead of forbidding and depriving it works through pleasing and fulfilling. Instead of making people compliant, it seeks to make them dependent.” 

I’m adding a break because this got long.

(review, cont’d)

And, while not Orwellian, we net-worked moderns have our own Newspeak. Freedom, for instance, means coercion. Microsoft’s early ad slogan was “Where do you want to go today?”, evoking a world of boundless possibility. That boundlessness was a lie, Han argues: “Today, unbounded freedom and communication are switching over into total control and surveillance … We had just freed ourselves from the disciplinary panopticon – then threw ourselves into a new and even more efficient panopticon.” And one, it might be added, that needs no watchman, since even the diabolical geniuses of neoliberalism – Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos – don’t have to play Big Brother. They are diabolical precisely because they got us to play that role ourselves.

At least in Nineteen Eighty-Four, nobody felt free. In 2017, for Han, everybody feels free, which is the problem. “Of our own free will, we put any and all conceivable information about ourselves on the internet, without having the slightest idea who knows what, when or in what occasion. This lack of control represents a crisis of freedom to be taken seriously.”

“Did we really want to be free?” asks Han. Perhaps, he muses, true freedom is an intolerable burden and so we invented God in order to be guilty and in debt to something. That’s why, having killed God, we invented capitalism. Like God, only more efficiently, capitalism makes us feel guilty for our failings and, you may well have noticed, encourages us to be deep in immobilising debt.” 

I think I’m going to get this book. This would make a great pairing with Surveillance Capitalism by  Shoshana Zuboff. (I’ve linked to a review; the book is available on Amazon and elsewhere). I have the book but haven’t read it yet. Think about this:

“Surveillance capitalism unilaterally claims human experience as free raw material for translation into behavioural data. Although some of these data are applied to service improvement, the rest are declared as a proprietary behavioural surplus, fed into advanced manufacturing processes known as ‘machine intelligence’, and fabricated into prediction products that anticipate what you will do now, soon, and later. Finally, these prediction products are traded in a new kind of marketplace that I call behavioural futures markets. Surveillance capitalists have grown immensely wealthy from these trading operations, for many companies are willing to lay bets on our future behaviour.” 

From the review: “The combination of state surveillance and its capitalist counterpart means that digital technology is separating the citizens in all societies into two groups: the watchers (invisible, unknown and unaccountable) and the watched. This has profound consequences for democracy because asymmetry of knowledge translates into asymmetries of power. But whereas most democratic societies have at least some degree of oversight of state surveillance, we currently have almost no regulatory oversight of its privatised counterpart”. 

Part of my job is related to the regulatory oversight of the private sector, and I definitely think that it is an absolute mess. Countries have vastly different rules, but data doesn’t respect borders. Different countries have different goals. The EU’s data laws protect the individual. China’s data laws protect the state. The US’s data laws protect the economy. (With a few exceptions, the laws are really about what can be monetized and what can’t.)

So what is an individual supposed to do? I struggle with the best way to protect my own privacy and personal data, and to teach my teens to do the same, let alone put it into a socio-political context. 

I don’t think it’s possible to completely opt out of the surveillance and participate in modern life. It’s a bit easier for old people like me to opt out but I see younger people whose peer group socialises to such an extent through apps and phones (snapchat, instagram, etc). The problem is that if they are not on these platforms, they are to a very large extent excluded from social life, and humans are social animals. It’s not healthy for them to be isolated.

OTOH, we can make some choices. For example, I have a Facebook account (I have 3, actually), but the one with my real name is just for an online course that uses a FB group for discussion. One is for testing. One is my “real” account that does not use my real name where I keep in touch with family since I live half a world away. I log out every time I use it. I never gave FB my phone number or location or work place or hometown etc etc. I opted out of any advertising that I could, particularly adverts using my own Likes. I opted out of all third party platforms so I cannot accidentally log into a third party site with FB. I do not upload photos of my children. I cannot be tagged. I opted out of facial recognition. I check settings once a week in case they are “accidentally” reset. I check after upgrades and so forth. I don’t use FB messenger. I don’t use the FB app. I log out and clear my cache and cookies regularly.  I download all of my FB data from time to time (I think a lot of people did this after the Cambridge Analytica scandal) and check that it’s accurate and I’m ok with what’s out there. (btw, one of my professional highlights was writing about Cambridge Analytica in 2017, before the scandals broke in early 2018, w00t). 

Also, I do not have any google accounts. At all. I don’t use gmail. I cannot sign into google maps. If someone sends me a google doc for editing, I ask for a copy, edit it and send it back. (This is rarely an issue though; I think it’s happened twice.) I used to have a Youtube account, and when they changed the settings to log in with a google account and not just an email, I created an account on a separate computer, logged in, deleted all of my videos and then deleted my youtube account, then deleted my google account and then cleared my cookies and cache. I think this was 2008. 

But truth be told, this is not much. I know that. Amazon knows which Audible books I listen to, which Kindle books I read, and which paperbacks I buy. It goes on and on. 

Is there a balance? Are our choices to opt in -submit- to this surveillance or live off the grid? This isn’t simply a matter of updating data privacy laws. The issues that need to be resolved underpin the entire economy and political order.

Food for thought, anyway. (So how’s your quarantine going?) 

[mikazukikannagisjourney]

A Deeply Personal Post about Suicide

A very personal and dark post about depression, its relapse, and suicide**

*you have been warned*

**A post with a whole lotta trigger warnings~ STAY AWAY if you can’t, or if you must. Otherwise, thank you for taking your time reading. This is not clickbait, and definitely not for the faint-hearted. You have been warned. Don’t blame me for any negative effects**

Yes, there, I have said it. I always had the urge to write this down but I kept getting depressed over and over and I really can’t write it if I’m still in that dark, constricting place. But I am so far OK so I shall be posting this stuff. If this post prevents at least, or even just one person from taking their own life and gets a new lease in life then my broken and torn heart will have its peace. It’s harder to live and easier to die. But if you’re spiritually awakened, then the commitment to stay alive is even more pressing. I salute you for staying alive. You can do it!

OK, that’s enough cheery stuff for now. Anything beyond this point can turn dark and ugly in a manner of letters so again, if this is a strongly-triggering topic for you, and you can’t face it, that’s ok. Just stay away, till you think you can handle this. Also I wrote this on the morning of August 28, 2019 but I also had to purge the energies on this post so it would be healing more than destructive, so it pops up a day later as a queued post.

Edit: accidentally clicked POST instead. Not that I mind, I was gonna anyway. Divine realm kept nagging me so.. here you go. 😆

I *MAY* HAVE BEEN BATTLING DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS SINCE I WAS A CHILD

I don’t think I have the need to completely spell out what depression is because again, the internet can do that for you. I will just focus on how it was, and is still manifesting in my life. But how did it materialized in my life then? Well... Mostly I just internalized all of my demons. If I was angry or upset or I feel envy or jealousy, I just sucked it all in. My household growing up was a battlefield of emotional suppression, thus I can’t cry, throw a tantrum, even laugh out loud for being too happy. What’s even more ironic is that I am actually a very emotional person, which made a whole lot of sense once I understood my natal astrological, human design, and gene key charts. So even if my sun was in Gemini and my ascendant in Libra, I pretty much have all the water signs in my chart as well, along with having a strong sacral center that thrives on generating emotionally-charged energy, and that’s where the waterworks come from. Thus the fact that I’m a Gemini cry-baby who gets too-emotional at just about anything makes perfect sense now.

But back to the subject at hand: Emotional Suppression caused my mental instability and depression. Because each time I had to stop expressing what I feel deep inside, I feel like I kept killing a part of me. Each time I kill a part of me, a gaping hole in my heart and soul would grow even larger. Like literally I feel chest pains as a child, which of course don’t show up on laboratory exams and thus I have been deemed healthy, a lot. I already started wanting to kill myself around 7 years of age, because I was forced to grow up quickly so I could take care of my siblings and myself. I really hated myself and the world a lot because I can’t do what I want and I can’t have anything I want, among other things. I mostly play alone, which was fine until the thoughts of wanting to die keep coming up. Maybe for some people these things are nothing, and they’ll start bragging about their own difficulties and that’s OK, I mean, what you feel will always ring true to you, no matter what the world tells you. The brain can lie to you, but your heart and your emotions never will. Feelings and emotions are always true, and what you feel is always valid. If something hurt you or made you happy, it’s because you have those things inside you. If people trigger you deliberately, then that’s on them. If you get triggered by other people, well that’s a whole other matter... BUT, whatever you do when acting under that feeling or emotion is entirely up to you, and you cannot blame other people for making you act in certain ways. Remember, YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE IN YOUR ACTIONS, THUS THE CONSEQUENCES ARE ALSO OF YOUR OWN DOING. The bottomline is: PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GLOB DON’T PLAY DOWN WHAT I AM WRITING HERE AND SAY THAT I’M IN THE WRONG. This entire thing is a personal account, and it’s mine. I get to write this thing because the whole thing is based on what I have experienced. *see? I told you I easily get emotional lol*

I got sidetracked, I apologize. OK, now back to regular programming

Anyway, thoughts of killing myself got even more intense, especially with not meeting parental expectations as well as neglect, abandonment, and rejection issues that popped up as time went on. To be honest though, I was, and still am a bit surprised that I haven’t taken my own life then, and up to this point. Either it’s because I am highly-sensitive to pain *my pain threshold is quite low*, or because I am still trying to find ways to kill myself without the hassle or pain. Basically I fear pain more than death. I guess that’s one of my major motivators for not choosing to end it yet. I just hate physical pain in all forms, even more so right now. So even if it kills me inside, I try to live one day at a time. Back then, I had to live because my siblings need me to cook their food, and I had to do my sister’s homework (she has autism spectrum disorder, which my parents just chose to ignore because they have no idea how to interact with special needs).

How is depression connected with suicide? Well, for one thing the hopelessness, helplessness, feeling worthless, or thinking that living is not worth it can just push a person to the edge. I am quite familiar because I have lost a sizeable number of people ranging from relatives to friends, to classmates and even a work trainee from suicide. I haven’t even counted those who died from natural deaths, those who got killed either in combat or by rebels, or through illnesses. The suicide-related ones just affect me so much because I felt survivor’s guilt, because I haven’t ended my life yet and these “seemingly-happy” people did. My stomach got all knotted up right now, just thinking about it. Especially when I recalled the trainee that killed themselves due to depression. I didn’t mentor them personally but I sorta felt that this person had depression and again, I didn’t reach out. Even then when I was already aware of being an empath and all that jazz. I just gave myself a break after sometime because to be honest, I had no idea how to heal others back then. So... Yeah. But still, survivor’s guilt is real.

RELAPSE ISSUES CONCERNING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS (HOW I HAD THEM)

This is the part where I will be explaining based on my own experiences why some people who were openly-depressed that “seemed” to have gotten a lot happier and brighter suddenly end their own lives with no warnings. Not sure about other people’s ideas, living or dead, but for me, it’s all about the relapse.

Depression relapse, that is. You may be much more familiar with alcoholics or drug-addicts who went to rehab, got all better *or so it seems* but then goes to relapse and either ends up getting even more addicted or worse, having an overdose and dying. Well, again, this is based on my own experiences but for me, because I am not on any kind of medication for my chronic depression so naturally, despite all my conscious efforts on fending it off, it comes back, with a vengeance. All the pain that I feel, all the thoughts that consume what small speck of happiness I have left become even stronger than before, and whatever I did to relieve myself of the pain just stop working no matter how many times I do it. Everything just feels sucky and my pains do not get relieved. I just cry and cry and let the wave pass, allowing a bit of relief, but then they just come back in waves of endless and bottomless anger and feelings of doom and gloom. It feels like I’m forever falling into the abyss of nightmares and frankly, the only solution I see clearly at that point is again, killing myself. Again, because I’m scared of pain, I did whatever I can to escape the pain, thus me ending up learning a lot of bankable and unbankable skills that, quite frankly amused some people I meet once the depression has been controlled somewhat and I got to socialize again.

If I survive long enough to at least raise my happiness levels a bit, I can continue to live, even for a day. I just tell myself “Well, I guess I’ll just have to die another day.” For each time that I tried to escape my pain and my urge to kill myself, I find something new to experience, learn, and have fun with. Thus, the skills I have, the dumb experiences I had, the movies and shows I gave so much of my love to, the ties to people I hold dearly, were not only borne out of a small curiosity, but mostly to prevent myself from ending my life right now. I don’t know how people will react to that, but for me, my hobbies, my passions, are not just due to the fact that these things are worthwhile. For me, these are my LIFELINES. If I didn’t have them, I MIGHT HAVE DIED A LONG TIME AGO. These are also the reasons why despite how many people or the public would shame other people for having weird hobbies or passions, I just let them be happy. I like seeing passionate people, because not only do they look so happy and pure, but also because for me, that might also be their lifeline. So that they CAN STAY ALIVE, because LIFE SUDDENLY HAS MEANING. And who am I to tell them what they or what they cannot do? *unless it’s illegal or hurts other people deliberately, or both. I have limits*

And... Unfortunately, for some of the people who took their own life out of their own accord they may not have been fully aware of it, but when they got out of the funk, they might have thought that YES I AM NOW FREE FROM ALL THAT GUNK. I’M GONNA BE HAPPY, I CAN LOOK FORWARD TO THE FUTURE, ETC. ETC. but noooope, depression is pretty clingy. It comes at the most inconvenient time, right about the time when you thought you’re almost at your goal, or at the time when you feel like you’re about to have that breakthrough. Once anybody who has been recovering from depression falls back into it, the urges, the pain, everything just gets even worse. Everything sucks maybe a hundredfold compared to last time, maybe a million times more. Everything just feels so overwhelming, and heavy, and it cuts through your entire being. The way out just got caved in and now there is no way out other than suicide. THAT FEELS AND SEEMS LIKE THE ONLY WAY. And for some of these people who actually take the plunge and succeed, this is the part where their loved ones who were left behind would comment things like “But I thought they were happy.. They were looking forward to the future.. They had so many plans.. They weren’t showing any signs...” etc. etc. Of course they won’t, and they probably had plans. If anything, they probably wanted to get out of the funk for the rest of eternity. BUt DEPRESSION IS ONE CLINGY F****R my friends, seriously. It is. It will slam everything in your face if it isn’t properly handled, either though holistic means or modern medicine methods, it will certainly choke out the light of any person who just do not have the means to fight it, let alone keep it at bay. Especially when it gets pushed aside. A lot. Each time you succeed at pushing it away or dealing with it, if it creeps into your being, even through just a small crack, it comes to you with a force stronger than a wrecking ball. It’s more of an avalanche. And it will bulldoze anything away till the entire path has been completely covered. Still scary as heck. Thus with each round of its return, it gets more and more strong, thus the need for better ways of fending it off. Or better yet, just facing it head on by all means necessary.

FACING (MY) DEPRESSION HEAD-ON (BY ALL MEANS NECESSARY)

Disclaimer: Again, before I start this section, I will remind everyone that this entire post is all my personal experiences as well as my own opinions on this matter, so please do not take this as a medical or health advice. You can take this as a spiritual advice and you can even ask me about it. I’m glad to help. Other than that, please seek professional help. BY ALL MEANS NECESSARY. I am not responsible for any losses of any kind due to following my own personal methods here, any bodily harm or mental injuries sustained by the end user are done of their own accord, and I am not liable for such losses. Everything here with regards to methods are RISKS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

OK. Now that’s out of the way, I will now write here how I deal with my own depression and suicidal thoughts,assuming that I’m still here. I’m not saying that I will not kill myself yet, but I am fully aware that other things can kill me and therefore those won’t count. Also, I haven’t watched the entire Fantastic Beasts franchise yet, and my need-to-watch anime and series lineup is still long, plus Avatar The Last Airbender is gonna be on Netflix next year so nope, I still need to live. 

Kidding aside, here is what I USED TO DO whenever the relapse comes in full-swing:

Binge-watch anything I’m interested in

Binge-read whatever is available

Binge-doing whatever activity I’m into at the moment (drawing, reading Tarot cards, learning Japanese, cooking weird food, etc.)

Binge-like anything on my tumblr feeds

Get super-obsessed with the canon and headcannon biographies of fictional characters (Hi wikia and AO3 lolol)

Cry and cry and cry even if I don’t know why (It doesn’t even matter how hard I try lolol did you sing that part in your head lol kidding I am trying to lighten up things here)

Of course, after doing all of these, I eventually end up wanting to die because the problem or the cause of my depression remains unsolved. Notice that I didn’t put “contacting close friends” or “connecting to loved ones” there. Because I don’t. I was never raised to ask for help, I was raised to do shit alone. And that also killed a huge part of me because quite frankly, I know that I need help but whenever I tried to reach out I get put-out or shushed, so eventually I never bothered to ask for any help. I just stuck it out all alone. While this method is typically great for doing GROUP PROJECTS by yourself (and cursing the other members out loud or in your head), this is definitely NOT ADVISABLE when dealing with mental health issues. Of course I didn’t know these back then, there was no internet, I didn’t have friends or relatives to talk to, plus I had no idea (or the people around me for that matter) that I was actually depressed. At 7 years old. Maybe 6. Around that time. This was in the early 90s.

But in this day and age, thanks to the internet, more and more information can be shared. Even better is that support groups are actually available, and you can join forums too, so people get to share so many stuff. Of course, I tried that, and it worked for about 6 months before I realized that in most groups I joined in, they weren’t exactly dealing with the depression in the most empowering way, so I got stuck in the victim mentality for a very long time. And the cycles of off-on depression mode kept getting worse each time. That’s when I decided to do things differently, and again, without drugs. FACING THE DEMONS IN MY HEAD is what I call it.

These are currently my go-to combination of methods when dealing with a depression relapse:

Shadow Work - Originally by Carl Jung, the principle is basic: identify the parts of yourself that you rejected due to external pressure, and heal them by understanding why it was rejected and suppressed, releasing the emotional charge by crying it out or something to that effect, and accepting that rejected part fully and without any regret. These aren’t the exact steps by Jung, but I just modified the method for myself. It’s pretty harsh because you need to face past trauma without any emotional attachments, and well, it can also do more harm than good. Only recommended to be done with a professional. Unless you’re a masochist. Just search the internet for Carl Jung and Shadow work for more info, I’m sure it’s quite famous.

Inner child healing - same as previous, but this time focusing more on the inner child (duh). Usually anything that persists for me, I would readily attribute to inner child issues so I would go to that part of myself and relive the trauma. Then pat my inner child and hug her till I stopped crying. By the way, crying is definitely included in almost every step. It’s soothing and also is a great way to transmute trauma. Provided that you’re fully aware of how the trauma happened and you’re able to release it fully. Again, if symptoms persist, consult a professional.

Kundalini Yoga and Meditation - amazingly there are many methods or kriyas and some are for dealing with depression. I call this method “killing two birds with one stone”, mainly because you get a real hard-core workout especially the upper body, and you lift your spirits up. Just search the internet for various methods, but I think 3HO is the one-stop shop for binge-reads. Again, crying is very much a part of this method because at some point, it will all just flow out.

Sound therapy - crystal singing bowls, gongs, tingshas, binaural sounds, isochronic music, subliminal messages, the works. I usually go to Youtube and just binge whatever I need at the moment. Sometimes I feel at peace, other times I just randomly cry. It just happens.

Energetic healing - again, there are numerous methods. I usually go for Reiki since it works for me, and because I can channel a bit more energy either from the original video or music, or on my own. Crying is again, an optional but very helpful step.

Emotion Code - This is the latest method I have learned, and tried. Created by Dr. Bradley Nelson, this method allows suppressed emotions, those you experienced yourself as well as the ones you inherited to be released from your body. You only need this chart, a fridge magnet, and determination. Also crying, if you can.

The stuff in my WHAT I USED TO DO list. - Seriously, self-healing depression is a very tiring and exhausting activity. Please, by all means, make yourself happy. In fact, YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY TO SURVIVE THIS GRUELLING ACTIVITY. Whatever means necessary. Don’t worry, I won’t judge.

Other methods I tried in the past:

Parts work - It is like Shadow Work, but the rejected parts of your self have different age groups. I discovered it before Shadow work and for a while I tried my best to do it, but I still didn’t mesh with it after 2 months so I did Shadow Work instead. Maybe I’m just not cut out for it. I recommend the late Pete Gerlach’s website for more info and even methods and stuff. Super-educational, with some drawbacks. Still it maybe useful for others so please take a look.

Diet adjustments - Some say that food and nutrition affects moods,and maybe yeah, because many foods do create metabolites that become converted into chemicals that eventually become hormones. But for me, it didn’t work as well as the other methods. I mean, I eat a lot of veggies and fruit even before I was depressed and spritually awakened, and quite frankly nothing in this area changed me so I don’t include this in my list.

Again, note that I still haven’t included talking to other people in my list. Because again, I just can’t accept help properly, and I still want to do things on my own. HOWEVER, I tell the people I care for the most and also care for me that I HAD a depression relapse. I tell them after I won the battle, even for that moment. It kinda helps a lot. But this time I don’t want to energetically tie myself to others, I have to transmute my own shit so people won’t have to get mine. I also shield myself so their stuff won’t stick to me. It’s how I understand how karma should be worked out of our systems, it’s a DIY thing. Otherwise you just add more karma on top of your own.

Well, I don't know how to end this post, apart from the fact that this is still an on-going process for me. Case in point, honestly I am literally crying right now as I type this last part out. It took me 5 hours to type and it's a post worth almost my entire life so far, but I hope it's all worth it, for anyone who needs help in any way. I am not glorifying depression or suicide or even addictions here, I am putting this out there as information. This post has been at the back of my mind since the Lion's gate but I relapsed and I just got back so I could write it as orderly as I can. So please, I hope this post won't be misquoted or skewed or even be taken out of context. Again, this is mostly for educational purposes only. Especially when you feel like you're in the dark night of the soul.

Anyway, I hope this was helpful in any way possible. If you need any help *spiritual and/or energetic only, not a doctor guys* just shoot a comment or a message, and I'll see what I can do.

I hope you find the healing you seek. In love and hugs from Source above.

Mikazuki

三日月

**Special Note: While this whole thing is free to heart, share, attach a link-back of the original html (href, if you know what I mean), and to cite in any style (APA, MLA, Turabian, etc.) around 10-20% of its content, please, under any circumstances, FOR THE LOVE OF GLOB DO NOT COPY AND PASTE AND DECLARE THIS AS YOUR OWN. These are my own personal experiences, basically these are parts of myself that I need to transmute in order to heal. However, as this is already an output it is now included in the do-not-steal-entirely-or-else sections of the internet. Especially for people who just simply steal other people’s work as their own. I used to work as an editor and even now I do my best to cite sources, or at the very least insert links to sources that I actually used. Be respectful of content creators, large or small. Don’t take away from us the things that we made with all of our hearts. Those are the only things that help keep us up. Also, because you have no right do that you know. And just a reminder, Karma is a real b****. Just saying. Thank you very much for understanding. PS. If you found the information in this post to be very helpful, insightful, and of great value to you and your own personal journey, please feel free to reblog, share and heart/like, or if you feel super-generous, energetic exchanges are welcomed! Please click here and use this email address: may_chan_otaku@yahoo.comThank you so much and be blessed!

[fuck-customers]

FAQ’s

I decided to get around to making a full FAQ to add to the sidebar. If I’ve missed anything, let us know.

Do you accept fuck coworker and manager submissions?

Yes we do! A while back we tried running a couple of separate blogs on the subjects but they weren’t successful because we continued getting asks and submissions here about coworkers and managers. Instead of just rejecting these we decided to accept them because they are a part of why customer service sucks. Changing the name of the blog isn’t necessary and would hinder the ability of our old and even new followers to find us if we suddenly just changed. We’ve been Fuck Customers for years, and it’s going to stay that way no matter how the blog evolves.

Why is the inbox/submission box closed?

We need to catch up because we’re neck deep in back log.

Can I use fan mail to submit my stories since the inbox is closed?

For the love of God no! This clogs the inbox up so bad and makes the process of catching up so much harder! Please be patient! We can’t reopen in a timely manner if we have to sift through and delete fan mail submissions that had no place being submitted in the first place in that format. Even when the inbox is open we delete those. The faster we can reopen the better. That all depends on our inbox remaining closed and uncluttered by fan mail. I may seem rude saying this, but it has become a serious problem and is hindering progress a LOT.

Why hasn’t my submission posted yet?

See here.

Who are the mods?

Abby, and Rodney.

Can you tag (insert thing)?

We used to, but with how big the blog has become it is unrealistic to be able to tag absolutely every single thing. We’re going to have to trust that our followers will be able to put trigger warnings before their own asks and submissions. We get up to 200 new asks and submissions a day on top of our personal and professional lives, so keeping up with posting/queuing is top priority.

Do you need anymore mods? Can I be one?

Ultimately this is up to Mandie, but at the moment the answer is no. Three is more than enough. You know what they say about too many cooks in the kitchen.

What don’t you post?

Anything racist, transphobic, homophobic, xenophobic, etc for starters. Anything not on topic to customer service is a big one too. We also don’t accept customers whining about employees. There is a line where it might be acceptable, though, like a case where a customer may see a manager or coworker abusing an employee. But if you’re bitching because someone smashed your bread then you are in the wrong place. Go to yelp. Fan mail is not the proper course of submitting your questions or stories. Use the ask or submission options and if the inbox is closed then check back later. Finally, hate mail. We get a lot of it and it’s a waste of space. Now, sometimes we do post one of any of these simply to drag your ass through the coals. Catch us on a bad day and expect to get roasted. Don’t be an asshole and you’re fine. We also try not to post anything that includes real store names, so try to use a fake one.

Why have I been blocked?

If you said anything offensive in a note towards us or another follower then you will be blocked. That could be death threats, telling someone to kill themselves, racism, homophobia, basically being an asshole. If you’re dumb enough to send hate mail without being anon, whether it’s to us or another follower, you’ll also get blocked. We do not tolerate that shit.

I requested my submission be posted anonymous! Why did it get posted or why wasn’t it posted?

It is your responsibility to submit anon. We post what is given to us in a format that tumblr allows(why we don’t post fan mail btw). If we were to post your submission anonymous we would have to cut and paste. Multiply that by 100 per day and we’d be swamped. If it accidentally gets posted that is on you, but most of the time we just delete it.

I found something on here offensive! I’m sending hate mail right now!

You know that is the equivalent of asking to see the manager, right? Just skip the post and move on, you’re holding up the line.

*This does not include reporting posts that were accidentally posted that we would definitely remove. If you’re polite about it that is fine, but if you’re going to yell at us and tell us you’re unfollowing then that’s customer like territory. We get a lot of hate mail when all you need to do is point it out nicely. We also don’t condone sending hate mail to other followers. Maybe what they said was offensive, but sometimes good people don’t realize that their wording wasn’t that great. Sending hate mail isn’t the proper way to get your point across and help them learn from the situation.*

If I’ve missed any questions that need to be added let us know. These are the ones I can think of off the top of my head.

Why hasn’t my submission posted?

We get this question a lot so I thought I’d compile a list:

1.) You sent it through fan mail. We do not post anything sent that way since it does not include an option to queue or post it, just reply. We stopped copy pasting submissions a long time ago.

2.) You included a store name. Some of these slip through, but for the most part these get deleted for the safety of your job and this blog. There are actually people whose job it is is to hunt down stories like these and punish those who tell them.

3.) You requested to be anonymous without actually submitting on anon. Again, we do not copy paste submissions.

4.) You said something extremely offensive. Such as racist, ableist, homophobic, xenophobic, etc. Sometimes you might find we will call you out on it, but for the most part these posts are deleted.

5.) You sent hate mail. We will sometimes destroy you in response, but we delete 99% of these.

6.) The subject matter has been talked about to death. After a while we stop beating the dead horse with a stick.

7.) You posted a customer complaint. Yes, we will post good experiences praising an employee, but if you’re here to complain about an employee from a customer point of view then you’re in the wrong place.

8.) Rarely tumblr will eat the post. If your submission hasn’t posted in a month and it does not fit the rules above then resend it.

9.) Also extremely rare we might have accidentally deleted it. Again, if it hasn’t posted in a month and doesn’t fit the first 6 rules resend it. I think this has only happened twice to me personally though.

10.) It’s already queued or still in our inbox waiting to be queued or posted. We get a lot of submissions and asks, so you’ll need to be patient.

11.) Also, if you send a long submission through several asks instead of the submission link then we’ll delete them all. It is difficult to find all the parts.

12.) It isn’t on topic for the blog or any conversation happening on the blog.

13.) Asking to become a mod. We’re not accepting new mods.

14.) Complaints about what has been posted that does not fit the criteria on this list. This is rare, but it happens.

15.) Anything that seems like it’s an advertisement.

16.) Your post did not seem like it was related to customer service in any way. If you did experience at work then you need to make it clear.

[shelltershock]

hello. i wanted to message you because i'm not really happy with you. i've sent you in tons of asks, i've sent you private messages. you never respond to them. i see you online every single day and sometimes i see you reply to one thread more than others so why does mine get put off for like a week at a time? you say you love everyone but ur clearly biased. if you dont like me just say so.

     ~*..// Alright, first, I’m going to say this: Next time you have an issue like this, come to me off of anon. I can’t fix issues with people unless I know who you are and what’s wrong. I’m not a mind reader, if I’m doing something wrong or hurtful to you, you need to tell me. I’m sorry if that sounds rude, but as someone who struggles with severe anxiety that is flared when I think I make people upset, come to me so I can fix it. This message honestly gave me such bad anxiety I couldn’t touch my inbox since I got it. 

     Now, I’m going to break this message down as best I can.

     I’m sorry you aren’t happy with me. I really am. I do so much to try and make people happy, but I am only human. I make mistakes. I’m not able to make everyone happy and that is an issue I am slowly coming to terms with. I do what I can to keep my followers safe, happy, and keep my blog as a safe space for everyone. You can ask my friends, I am quick to re-tract issues such as accidental mis-gendering, trigger or content warnings, removing head canons that could potentially be viewed as harmful stereotypes, messaging people to double check if they’re okay with things. I try. I try so hard. If I don’t get feed back from you on what I’m doing wrong, I can’t fix it. 

     As for the asks, I’m sorry. I really am. But as I found out recently, my inbox apparently loves to eat asks. Like, legit. I don’t know why, I don’t know how it chooses it’s victims, but it does. But here is the thing as well: I don’t always answer asks. My main concern is getting caught up with the drafts I have currently, then I go in and answer asks; unless an ask is particularly appealing to me. Everyone has selective days. If I don’t answer your ask after a week, chances are I haven’t been on or tumblr ate it. 

     For the private messaging issue, I would like to reiterate this statement: I am not always on. I would also like to point out that everyone has selective days. There are days that I am just not into talking and if I am then it’s most likely people I’ve formed a bond with. People I feel comfortable around. People who I see as wanting to actually be friends and not just use me for muse interactions. Sometimes, I just want to talk to a specific person. It happens. It’s part of being an introvert. I’m sorry you feel like I’m ignoring you, but I will always respond to private messages so long as they don’t make me uncomfortable. It just might take some time. 

     Next, I want to talk about me being online every day, because that’s not a thing. I’m sorry you think it is, considering I’ve stated many, many times I leave my queue running during the day. My queue runs from 11 am EST to 11 pm EST and spits out 20 posts a day. I do not tag my things as queued, because if I did, 98% of my blog would show up in the ‘queued’ tag. Heck, I wasn’t on at all the past few days. And if I was, it was for a brief moment to see how things are, then I disappear again. I am not here to be at someone’s beck and call. I am here to have fun. I am here to get away from my reality, and drama like this makes me want to leave tumblr. It’s when people get so needy, they don’t realize, other bloggers don’t actually owe them anything. 

     Yes, there are day’s I actually reblog posts instead of putting them in the queue. Why? Because my muse is absolutely awake and alive for that thread and wants more. Because that thread has caught my attention for the day, or me and the mun plotted something and I’m excited to get to it. Sometimes, I just really only want to do one thread. For example, Bridgette is exceedingly active right now, so the chance of me actually posting her threads is much higher. Not guaranteed, but higher. 

     I queue all of my threads. Everyone’s thread has been queued at some point or another because queueing them keeps me from getting overwhelmed. It keeps things paced so I don’t go from having no replies due to suddenly oweing 50. Because if that happens, I shut down for a while. I’m not a reply machine. I’m on here to have fun and I do what I need to to keep myself happy and stable and not force anxiety attacks. I’m sorry you want more interactions with me. I’m sorry you don’t get replied to as much as you like. But I’m not here for you. I’m here for me. I’m here to make friends, to enjoy my muses, my ships. I’m here to meet people who actually care about the person behind the screen. 

     I do love every one of my followers. They’re the reason I have threads to begin with. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be selective. I stated very clearly that I am semi-selective. I’m sorry you think I owe you more, but I don’t. I’m not going to go out of my way to please someone who can’t bring their issue to me personally. I’m sorry you feel like I dislike you. Because the truth is, if we have a thread, or I’m following you, I don’t dislike you. 

     Anyways, that’s all I have to say. From now on, please try to be more mindful of the person behind the screen. You have no idea what they deal with on a day-to-day. You have no idea how hard it might be for them to reply to certain threads on certain days. And most importantly, you do not own the person you are role-playing with. Role-playing is meant to be fun. If you aren’t having fun with me, which, judging by this message - you’re not, then stop rping with me. I’ll be sad to see a follower go, but if not wondering if I like you or not will help you, then I understand. 

     I hope you have a good day, and I hope any of my followers who read this message and relate to it can take one thing from this: Role play for yourself. Not for others. Do what makes you happy. Stop bending over backwards to make others happy. You are you, you are amazing.

     Have a good day everyone.

[nikatyler]

Legacy updates? Yeah. Legacy updates.

The first generation of my NSB is soon coming to an end, then I’ll finish posting gen 3 of Ravens. I’ve queued the rest of that yesterday. As for the future of that legacy...eh. I’m not sure about it. I haven’t been sure about it for over a year. Right now I have four legacies and I can say that this one is my least favourite. We’ll see. I love those sims but at the same time I don’t want to play with them at all. Does it make sense?

However, after that, I think I’ll start queueing my BPR! I’m not turning into a fulltime berry simmer anytime soon, but it’s nice to do something different for once. Even if the first generation reminds me a lot of gen 5 of Roses - you know, you have a painter and way more kids than you can handle...but yeah I’ll get through that somehow. I enjoy mixing the colours and finding suitable yet not so berry names. (I totally didn’t intend to make that pun but I like it so it’s staying. Sorry.) It’s fun. Back in the day when I had an army of OCs, I used to be obsessed with giving my magical girls names with meanings that would match their powers but at the same time wouldn’t be so obvious. Does anyone use those baby names websites for naming babies, by the way?

Roses will come back...soon. Can’t say when but soon. I’m working on it. By that I mean I’m writing the storylines but I’m not playing it because all I want to play now is NSB and BPR. I used to say I would hate rule-based legacy challenges but boy, was I wrong.

Replies now!

simtress replied to your photoset “Ross: “Mum, I think someone knocked.” December: “Let’s pretend we’re...”

Don’t let them in, you’re just asking for trouble lol

I think vampires are in bigger trouble for constantly coming back but you’re not wrong about this either

cafesimming replied to your photoset “He’s already out there stealing hearts.”

im proud of him

I’m not

The serial romantic aspiration is the worst thing I’ve ever had to do in the sims

(well, other than taking care of quadruplets looking at you Miracle and Adam and having to have five kids looking at you bpr)

jackssims replied to your photoset “Kieran: “Aw yes, I’m safe!”

I had the same plan but then my NSB had alien twins. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I just rolled with that instead lmao

I started this challenge immediately after getting GTW so I wanted to try most of it. I was upset my plan didn’t work but eh, spoiler alert, I got the aliens into this anyway. Because I just had to. It was dumb and petty but I had to. What am I without aliens and jokes that aren’t funny anymore.

elisabettasims replied to your photoset “I’ve been in this career for so long, and yet I’ve never tried my own...”

That your serums are generally dangerous and scary? LOL

lol that’s actually exactly it! I didn’t want her to die so I never made her drink it. I have a weird fear of accidentally killing my sims

elisabettasims replied to your photoset “Don’t ruin his birthday and bake him a nice cake. Don’t say a word....”

Normally, I'd find the relationship with Caleb super creepy but it seems so wholesome, it's hard.

I was fighting this feeling every time he showed up. I was like ughhhh this should be creepy and wrong but nope, I just love their friendship so much ;___;

And I mean, I don’t know, I’ve just always headcanoned Caleb to be a harmless good emo vampire. Idk. Just look at his face.

jackssims replied to your photoset “Do I have to complete his aspiration? They look so happy and shiny...”

Living for the Heathers ref ����

I have to get these in somehow all the time otherwise it wouldn’t feel like me

elisabettasims replied to your photoset “Valentine: “Big bro! Big bro!” Ross: “I’m definitely not having one of...”

Then you better pray you aren't the heir, Ross. :D

Well yeah too bad Ross, you are. I mean, Valentine is just too pure to be the heir of this generation.

[due4amiracle]

Day 199

Oh hi, it’s been... a while... which is fine. But yea, that happens with the Acthar. It’s fine, don’t worry about it. Did a lot of things, which i actually kept track of like a good little scholar bby. So, good on me i guess. Anyways. So, you’re going to see || in here, in a few places - that denotes different days. So, from one day to the next, i split them up with the || just to continue keeping track, because that’s how my brain let me do it. So... yea. On to the post, i guess.

Listo:

Wash 2 plates/bowls/pieces of silverware, 2 chapters, Dailies, Vamp shiz, 2 anime eps.

Wash 2 plates/bowls/pieces of silverware - Nope :( 🚫

2 chapters - Finished Beyond - cried like a baby, it was S O G O O D! Read through the entirety of Dead Heat by Patricia Briggs. || Read through Burn Bright by Patricia Briggs.|| Now reading Wild Sign. Not 100% sure what i'll read after it, but i've got...a LOT of options. Heh. ✔

Dailies - Waifu Did my dailies, worked on teapot sets! FFXIV Botany +7 -> 27! MSQ +2 -> 44. || CUL +17 -> 17, BTN +2 -> 29, MSQ +2 -> 46~ ((Accidentally queued up to Stone Vigil for MSQ as SCH instead of SMN - and i've never healed before (well, in FFXIV anyways, did a bit of healing in WOW but that was a long time and many MS lesions ago) so my bars weren't set up or anything. The group gave me a huge pep talk, told me they believed in me, then gently carried me through the dungeon, one pull at a time - and we did it. Nobody died. i had about 59475983578 panic attacks but we did it. i learned that Adloquium, the one that puts an over flow of healing on the target, and Succor, the aoe heal, are the literal best spells in the game and i spammed them obsessively no matter how low anyone got, even if it was a few hp. Good shit.)) || MSQ +1 -> 47, BTN +4 -> 33, CUL +6 -> 23✔✔

Vamp shiz -  🚫

2 anime eps - i mean, Inosuke is still in ~looove~ with Giyuu - buuuuut lmfao just tied the bish up. Lmfao. And ButterflyGirl saves Zenitsu! OH BOI we've got Broken Sward Tanjiro vs Spider Silk Whips 12 Spider Boi. Tanjiro is obvs the main character and will do fine. BestGirl Nezuko gets jacked up a bit, though. Poor SpiderSister gets fuckered up by Bad Spider Boi. Poor girl. "Give me your sister" BITCH WHAT. YES NEW BREATHIGN! FUCKING FIRE NOW BITCH HELL YES LET'S GO! FUCK YES NEZUKO YES YES YES! And second episode - Giyuu shows up to ~save the day~ ELEVENTH FORM!? WHAT?! Annnnd back to Feels For Spider Demons ಥ﹏ಥ Oh SpiderSister you never stood a chance. Not against ButterflyGirl. || Only watched one day’s worth, it’s hard to pay attention when the steroids, and the hell day, are smashing your face in.🚫✔

Other things - Gakkou Gurashi! Otayori chs 5&6! The Twin Siblings New Life 59-70! Went out to eat, to help Sir, because he got notice that His MRI? Yea, that got declined AGAIN by His insurance. So. His way of dealing with depression is spending money, so, we did that. It was tasty, mind, but  with my arm the way it is... embarassing and depressing for /me/. But, i persisted. Because i had to - anything for Him. Wound is mostly healed, looking very good. We, well, Sir rather, took very good care of it. i’m doing well enough. Exhausted, recovering from the hell day yesterday (day 6 of Acthar is always the hell day, bleh) and in a bit of pain, but, doing well enough.

Food: A Liquid: A Pain: C Brain: C

Tomorrow: Wash 2 plates/bowls/pieces of silverware, 2 chapters, Dailies, Vamp shiz, 2 anime eps.

Ever Onwards and Upwards!