#and yes I will take your advice and keep taking those breaks to remind myself that I'm more than my blog

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Hi, Raven! I just wanted to ask if it's very pressuring to be seen as like this type of fandom authority/big figure in the twst fandom? Which you're not, and I'm aware of it but I can't help but think and notice that a lot of people generally view you and your blog in that manner. I hope that hasn't soured your enjoyment in the fandom btw if it is the case, it can be daunting to be kind of upheld to a standard and responsibility you didn't ask for. But I hope you're still having fun and enjoying yourself because that's what fandom really is about at its core. Hope you have a good day!! 💖

Well 💦 it’s stressful, yes. but only when I’m made cognizant of that. Typically I don’t think of myself as being in that position, but I’m reminded of it when I receive the occasional ask that opens or closes their question/comment with really intense praise.

Thankfully, I have the luxury of being selective about which asks I reply to, but sometimes it can be as simple as skimming an ask that brings about a churning dread or cognitive dissonance in my stomach. I take a lot of time to formulate what I hope are thoughtful responses in part because I feel like I have some degree of responsibility for those who seem to place so much stock in what I say… It makes me anxious about all the potential ways it could go wrong. Unclear wording/tone misconstruing the intended message, people weaponizing my posts to justify their own takes, arguments breaking out, etc. Then that leads into worries about not deserving this position (ayy, love imposter syndrome/j) and it becomes a cycle that’s hard to break.

If people want to view me as some higher authority or big figure, then there’s only so much I can do to stop them. I can tell others all I want that I don’t like being put on such a high pedestal all I like, but it would do very little to change their mindsets. The best I can hope for is reminding them of where my boundaries lie when people start to act too attached to me. Like, you definitely should not be soliciting free favors, seeking validation, asking for life advice, and/or traumadumping to me, a complete internet stranger. (These have all happened before.) Remember, me being friendly ≠ being friends with me.

I’ve never been someone who reacts well to parasocialism or celebrity culture (something which I highlight in this post). I like to compartmentalize, separate reality from fandom, keep to myself and my own lane, be a private person… so it’s unnerving for me to suddenly be the recipient of parasocial behaviors. Again, I must stress that parasocialism is, in of itself, NOT a bad thing. It can, however, quickly snowball into emotional dependency or a falsified sense of intimacy. That’s why I keep stressing—especially recently—that I have to draw the line and make my boundaries clear.

Now, that isn’t to say that all of my parasocial experiences have been negative ones. Far from it! I’ve had the honor of meeting and getting to know many cool individuals through my activity in this fandom. (If you’re reading this, you know who you are 🫵) I’ve been able to participate in numerous group projects and activities alongside those people. I’ve gotten fan art and interesting asks from so many Twsties that are just as excited about my OC or new story content as I am. I’ve received kind words when I really needed them or when I least expected it. I will forever be grateful for that ^^ and I’d still say that the majority of my time in the TWST fandom has been chill and fun.

In my experience, I’ve seen both the highs and lows of fandom as the result of parasocialism. I of course evaluate them on a case-by-case basis, but what I want to point out is that I do not want overfamiliarity or people overstepping, especially if I have never spoken with you one-on-one off-Anon before 💦 I think that’s reasonable for me to request.

[monstersinthecosmos]

🔮

🔮 Any advice for writers working through burnout or writer’s block?

!!!! Yes, absolutely.

I have three main approaches to this for myself, and I know everyone's brains and writing habits are different so yknow like take it or leave it or modify it to your own needs but here's three things I always fall back on when I'm stuck.

Be kind to yourself.

Be honest with yourself. Is there a reason the writing needs to be done NOW? You are not a machine. If it's not there, it's not there. Obviously this doesn't apply if you have deadlines to meet but if you're writing for fun, don't get so twisted up about it that it's not fun anymore. WHAT ARE WE DOIN HERE FELLAS?! It's okay to take a break and recover until it feels right again, you don't have to fill a quota.

Set extremely small goals.

I try to write 100 words a day because I have ADHD and I get crazy burnout and/or I go into creative frenzies where I binge write for 3 days and don't do the dishes. There's a balance in here somewhere lol. An easy goal and a routine can help a lot. 100 words is a joke. But there are days where it's a HUGE struggle. But it's still doable, and I walk away feeling like I chiseled away at the idea a little bit.

I can't stress enough that you can't push yourself THROUGH burnout, and this can go to any type of burnout. (I feel this way about house keeping too LOL). You're drawing from an empty well. Be honest with yourself, be kind to yourself, set a realistic goal. If you're burnt out you're not gonna sit down and crank out 2k in an evening, you just aren't, and if you try to force it you're just gonna feel worse when you can't do it. Be gentle. Make easy goals. Ease yourself back into it.

And don't forget, sometimes chiseling away is just exactly what you need to do. I sometimes go weeks where I put in 100 words at a time on a fic and then finally I make it through the hard part and 6k floods out of me all at once. Chiseling away is good. You will find your way back when you get through the hard part.

(Also, even if you're chiseling away with garbgae & nonsense, that's okay! You can edit it later! A sloppy first draft is better than no draft!)

Refill the well.

Speaking of drawing from an empty well; creativity requires an input and an output, imo. That's my personal opinion!! Sometimes you need to take a break and work on the input stream, too. Take a week where you watch a movie every night instead of trying to write. Reread a book from an author you admire. Stare at some paintings. Listen to your headphones in the dark, whatever the fuck it is !

You're running on empty! And it's not just the basic human energy to function! It's the creativity! It's the inspiration! If you're writing a fic, revisit the source! Remind yourself why you like it! If a movie or song or picture gave you the idea for your fic, go back to that! Absorb it, replenish yourself!!!!!

I know sometimes when I talk writing stuff that I speak about it more like, idk philosophically? And I know others might have technical advice, like write scenes out of order, change the font, sit in a different area of the house, find a friend to cheerlead! All of those things can work, too, and I try them sometimes. ((I have more to say about this and about how outlines are my lord & savior when writing with ADHD and trying to chisel away a scene at a time)) But like, all of that I think is a bit secondary to just being kind to yourself and taking care of your mental health first and getting yourself back into a place where you CAN be creative and find that drive again.

My life would be a fucking shambles if I couldn't make lil routines for myself with the ADHD and Brain Problems and whatnot and I leave myself an hour every day to write, right before bedtime! 9-10pm every night I'm CLOCKIN IN! And for me it's like a lil reward at the end of the day, so that I can like unwind, end the day, stop worrying about whatever else I didn't get done, etc. Making space for it as a fun activity and a reward is essential for me, and I still get stuck sometimes, but going back to these ideas helps me a lot!!!!!!!!!!!

[uncloseted]

Do you have advice for how to stop procrastinating? I procrastinate all the time w like getting ready for events or plans, idk why. Like sometimes I just don't feel like getting up and getting in the shower even though I'm excited to go hangout. Like how do I force myself to do stuff?!!

Yes! As someone with Chronic Procrastinator Disorder (aka ADHD) I have to constantly force myself into not procrastinating, so I've learned a lot of useful tricks over the years.

The first thing I would do is figure out what the root of your procrastination is. Is it because you're physically too tired to do the task? Is it because you struggle with perfectionism, and you worry that if you start the task, you'll fail at it or you won't meet your standards for it? Is it that you keep forgetting to do the task, or that you brain feels like it's bouncing off of the task whenever you try to focus your attention on it? Is the task too abstract, making it difficult to figure out what you actually need to do? Are you experiencing social anxiety that leads you to avoid tasks that will lead you to seeing people? Do you have other conditions, like ADHD, anxiety, or depression, that might be impacting your ability to get things done? Ultimately, most procrastination happens because the person is struggling to manage negative moods that surround the task that they need to get done. Understanding what those negative moods are can help you better figure out how to combat them.

Without knowing you, it's hard to guess which one of these it might be, but these are a few things you can try that might help you procrastinate less:

Break every task you need to do into extremely small, manageable chunks. Think of every step that goes into doing whatever the task is, and put them all into a checklist. As you go from one step to another, check them off your list. This should help make the task feel more concrete, help you overcome feeling overwhelmed, and give you a better idea of how long it will take to do the task.

Alongside that, setting alarms can help you to get things done. This can work in two ways. The first is just to set an alarm when something needs to get done, so that you have an external stimulus to start the task. The second is to set a countdown, so you're racing against the clock while doing the task. This feeling of competing against yourself can help the task to feel more fun, so you're more likely to want to do it.

Bundle things you want to do with things you don't want to do. Maybe you listen to music you really love while getting ready to go out, or you watch a favorite TV show while exercising. Again, you're more likely to want to do the task if your brain associates it with something you like doing.

Remind yourself that anything that's worth doing is worth doing badly. Washing just your hair in the shower is better than not washing anything at all. Going out without showering is better than not going out at all. Putting on jeans is better than going out in your pajamas, even if it's not a perfect outfit. Not everything has to be perfect- it just has to be good enough. Making a mistake is better than not doing the thing at all.

Along these lines, just do the first step to the task. It's much easier to convince yourself to turn on the water in the shower than it is to convince yourself to do an everything shower. But once you're in the shower, it's a little bit easier to do the next step, and the next one, and the next one, and before you know it, the entire shower ends up getting finished anyway. Often, it's really hard to overcome that initial momentum, but continuing is much easier.

Make the things you need to do easy and the things you don't want to do hard. For example, it's much easier to go out when you already have your outfit picked out and ready to go, and it's harder when you have to pick out something to wear. So it may help to pick an outfit out the day before or to have one that you default to for "going out" occasions to lessen the cognitive load of having to pick something out.

Manage distractions. It can be easy to get pulled into a different task if you see a notification come up on your phone, so putting your phone on do not disturb and putting other distracting items is another room can help you to focus on the task better.

Remind yourself of why the task is important to you to begin with. "If I get dressed, then I can go see my friends, and I'll really enjoy hanging out with them," or whatever it might be. Keeping the larger goal in mind can help you to get over the inertia of not wanting to start the tasks that will get you to that goal.

Forgive yourself for procrastinating and offer yourself compassion. It's okay that you're struggling to get the task done. Beating yourself up over it will only make it harder to do. Remind yourself of another time where you procrastinated or did the task you're procrastinating and it turned out okay.

If you try all of these for an extended period of time and nothing is working, it may be a good idea to talk to a therapist about your struggle with procrastination. They can help you identify the root cause and ways to work around your tendency to procrastinate and, if necessary, help you work through any underlying mental health struggles that may be at play.

[renee-writer]

Awake Chapter 85 A Talk with Carlisle and Jacob

AO3

Alice decides to speak with Carlisle about the situation with Bella. She is hoping her dad has some advice on how to help.

 

So, she explains to him the discussion she had with Bella, about what she and Jacob ‘s plans were.

 

“Edward doesn’t know?” he confirms.

 

“No, he doesn’t.”

 

“Hmm, we probably should keep it that way.”

 

“Right, but we won’t  be able to forever and I fear how he will take it.”

 

“Which is why we prepare him, if we can.”

 

“Yes. How?”

 

“I don’t know yet, Alice, but I am glad you told me.”

 

She nods, biting on her lips. “I just couldn’t keep it to myself. Do you think Bella is doing the right thing?”

 

“For herself, yes,” he sighs and frowns, “for Edward, no.”

 

“Those two things aren’t reconcilable.”

 

He places his arm around her. “I am afraid you are right.”

 

“Now what Carlisle? How do we help him and her?”

 

“I think we will have to do it separately,” he softly says. She hears the sadness in his voice, “give as much emotional support as we can to Edward while giving practical support to Bella.”

 

She nods. “Should we let the others know? The boys won’t be a year for six more months.”

 

“Let’s wait until it gets closer. She may well change her mind.”

 

“Should we hope for that?”

 

He looks down, giving her a sad smile. “Again, for her, no but for him, yes.”

 

 

“I told Alice about our plans today.” She tells Jake later that same night, as they lay in bed.

 

“Which plans?” he asks. It is a good question.

 

“Well, all of them. When she and Edward asked if we have found a church, I told them and told them about Em and Sam agreeing to be their guardians.” he looks at her closely, sensing rightly that there was more to the conversation.

 

“And?”  after a moment of silence.

 

“Alice knew their was something left unsaid so I told her about our plans to try again when they reach a year old.”

 

“In front of Edward!”

 

“On no, he had already left.”

 

“Why?”

 

“He wasn’t happy with the church discussion.”

 

Jake frowns, sitting up on his elbow. “That upset him?”

 

“Yes, so he left.”

 

“Okay, so how did Alice take it?”

 

“She was angry.”

 

He jerks. “What? Alice, Alice Cullen was upset with you?”

 

“Yes.”

 

He shakes his head. “So, is she still mad?”

 

“No, she gets I have to live my own life. She is just worried about her brother.”

 

“Ah, well I guess she has that right.”

 

“Yes,” she sighs it out, “I know she does. He asked me today not to forget the eternity we could have together, “ he gets real quiet, “Jake, sat something.”

 

“What did you say to him?” His voice wakes.

 

“He left before I could say anything.”

 

“What would you have said?”

 

“I don’t know. What I know is right now, I want this, I want us. I long to see if we can make a daughter as beautiful as our sons. I just don’t know  how to tell him this.” Her voice breaks at the end.

 

“Ah Bells.” He pulls her tight against him.

 

“I am going to hurt him, badly. I hate that. I hate myself for what I am doing to him.” She starts to cry.

 

He holds her tight as she cries and it reminds her of when Edward held her when she sobbed over hurting Jacob. The thought brings a shudder and he tightens his grip on her.

 

“I am sorry Bella. If you just want to have the boys and join his family when they are grown, you can you know.”

 

“Oh Jake, no. I want your daughter, ours. I want our future.”

 

“You just hate hurting him?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Me too, you know.”

 

“I know. What do we do?”

 

“I don’t know baby.”

 

“Jake, promise me no matter what, that you will be here, that you won’t leave us.”

 

He frowns. “Of course. Where is this coming from?”

 

“I don’t know. It has been an emotional day. I may need to cry more for Edward.”

 

“Cry if you need too baby. I will be right here.”

 

She does and he is.

[child-of-diaspora]

Tune out the noise

My brain has been on overdrive recently. Do you ever get an internal monologue going around and around in your head? I recently watched a stand-up by Drew Michael (Red Blue Green). It's not your typical stand-up that makes you laugh. He speaks about his struggles with his mental health, and it triggered my brain to go on the tirade about my own, and it's tiring.

For as long as I remember I've always felt detached. So many of the things I have endured in my life has left me feeling this way. Growing up mixed raced in Britain, living with a racist family. Intersected with a violent father during early childhood (who luckily wasn't around long), then left with a schizophrenic mother (those who have read my previous blogs will know my origin story by now).

As I've gotten older the impact of this is catching up with me, or more accurately I'm not able to block them out anymore. I really struggle with displaying my emotions. It's frustrating because I've spoken to various therapists and ex-partners and they are like, just do the thing, but I'm screaming, I can't! If I could just do the thing then surely I'd be doing it by now? It's like trying to learn a subject when the textbooks are written in another language. This has all come to a head recently when my partner of eight years (and mother to my son), decided I am no longer the right person for her.

In some ways I get it. I know my short comings. I lack empathy and don't show affection in the typical way. Shit, I don't even know if I love anyone or anything at times as I feel so destitute. I'm more comfortable when I shut myself down. My childhood left a chronic loneliness lurking over me due to the emotional abandonment. Despite having lots of people around me that care for me and let me know, I don't know if I'm absorbing it, or at least that's how my brain thinks right now. The past few years the life events I've experienced have taken their toll. I used to count on myself for stability, stubborn and defiant, but losing my grandad changed this. I've thought about suicide during these times. The only reason I'm still here is because I'm scared of the pain I might inflict on myself (yes myself, I'm not thinking of others during these moments) and that I may survive and make things worse. If there was an app I could download and press a button, I'd have done it by now.

There is tonnes of advice out there which teaches us not think about the negative and concentrate on the positive (looking at you CBT), but this just feels like I'm gaslighting myself to be happy, is that what it takes? I'm drawn to meaningful and emotional art in music, films and media, i.e. the stand-up I mentioned earlier. Like a moth to light. It's comforting yet hurtful due to the reminders of my own pain. These blogs posts sometimes feel like that. Is this helping, or am I talking myself in circles. Maybe I'm fine and I should just shut up. Is this a curated identity I've made for myself. The tortured soul.

A shared experience I think you might be able to understand which exasperates my mental health (and probably yours) is living through the internet age, where we have access to all of the information, all of the time. Current events feel like a fever dream and the media feeds us disaster after disaster until we are catatonic, unable to imagine how we can make the world a better place. Again, I am drawn to these news cycles and struggle to ignore it. The antidote piece of media to this problem would be my film of 2022, Every Everywhere All At Once. It gives a heartfelt message that we need to tune out the noise and focus on love, connection and understanding.

The main thing keeping me going at the moment is trying to be a good father to my son. Since the breakup I've become a lot closer as I don't have to worry about the failing relationship anymore. I have to break the generational trauma I've inherited. Despite the disconnect I feel with people and the world, and the difficulties I went through during the early stages of raising him, I don't doubt my bond with him. I still occasionally struggle when he is difficult or tantrums as it can throw me back into the dark place in my head I'm strenuously trying to avoid (yet another symptom of my childhood trauma). I just need to tune out the noise and remember what is important.

[hoenn-hakase]

Yes, exactly that! Do whatever!!

You're not being ignored, but what can anyone say?

I mean, I can only speak for myself, but I sometimes go on the downward spiral when finishing a chapter going "What will people think??? This is so dumb! It's so bad! It's too weird! God why do I make everything so complicated!? People are going to look at the wall of text and just leave!!! How many of those views are people who only looked at the first page and noped out?!" So on and so forth. And I've really been feeling that "what's the point?" bad brain vibes a lot lately. But at the same time, again I can only speak for myself, often the only way I have the courage to actually post an update is to remind myself no one is reading this anyway.

So dance like no one is watching~! Finish the story because your characters NEED someone to tell it and that someone is you! Do it bad! Do it full of spelling errors! Do it in whatever format you like! Because any progress is still progress.

And.

I can not emphasize this enough.

There is no wrong way to write.

THERE IS NO WRONG WAY TO WRITE.

THERE. IS. NO. WRONG. WAY. TO WRITE.

Even if you're planning to publish something, people are always getting creative with how a story works. The only thing that matters is the bare basics for to read, such as "some" <signifier> (that someone) =is talking= *is separate* from the action.

Other than that, go nuts. There are books written like love letters, like a Discord chat, with changing narrators every chapter, purposefully misspelled and exaggerated like it's straight from a middle schooler's diary. Books where the words are choppy, books that read like a medical journal, books that play with the format by being written in a spiral or crawling up the margins and sometimes only have ten words in the middle of the page and call it a chapter.

That's not to say you can't write well. If you want a normal story looking ready to be graded, neat and proper and every T crossed, that's wonderful too. But even when writing like that, obsessing over the errors or driving yourself nuts looking for problems that aren't there, that's not good. And the perfectionism in most artists is enough to drive everyone crazy: the creators getting angry it's not flowing like it should, the readers wondering what's taking so long as they scream it doesn't have to be perfect just tell them what happens, and the friends listening in on this who have run out of advice when no amount of pep talk can counter the Bad Vibes.

Do or do not.

I know that's a Star Wars reference but truer words were never spoken. You can weigh all the factors that go into a decision, but in the end, only you can decide. Do you continue? Or do you stop? Do you want to keep writing even if no one is reading? Do you have ten thousand people you're going to disappoint if you decide this isn't fun anymore and shelve the project? Do you have a different story you're itching to get to but tell yourself you need to finish the current one first? Then do that instead because you might as well get the ideas down while it's hot instead of reaching it later and grasping to remember how that initial scene went. (I should take my own advice on that one). But it's your decision in the end. It NEEDS to be your decision in the end. You're the writer, the god of this universe, and only you know how it works. If there's anything "wrong" often times the only one who knows you messed up is you. So either you write or you don't.

Sometimes a break is in order, but I personally have a hard time doing that because my characters never leave me alone, and then when they do I feel empty. But that doesn't mean you have to post the stray musings if it's just your own toying. Think of it like an artist doing practice sketches where it's messy and have multiple things going on in the same page. And if you do post, remember: THE EDIT BUTTON IS YOUR FRIEND. I have gone back and fixed chapters years after the initial posting. No one is likely to notice, but progress was made and I will feel better knowing it's going to be better if and when the next stranger passes through.

I say this as someone with multiple novels going on and having only received two legit (not bot or advertising) comments on my stories in the last five years. And I see the viewer numbers and go crazy because I'm dying for someone to tell me what I'm doing wrong OR what I'm doing right because I'm scared I'll lose what potential readers I have. And that's when I need to step away for a bit because it's only getting me upset. Reader interaction may feel good, but it is NOT a gauge for how good you are. Remember, there are authors out there who may have the most beautiful piece of fiction but it's niche so only a hundred people have read it, and there are bad fanfics that are SO BAD they've become internet wide legendary.

I... think this may have turned into a rambling mess and I'm probably not helping. The point is, no one is going to tell you what's wrong when there's nothing wrong. But if you really feel like everything is wrong and you should just trash it all and there's no point to a work existing, then you need to decide if it's worth continuing for your own mental health. Writing is hard and often not fun but struggling doesn't mean you're bad at it. It means you care and want it to be good. So be good. Or be bad. Or leave it unfinished. Just don't be too hard on yourself, okay?

another day another time where i think i should give up writing

[kimtaegis]

Hey, Annie, I just saw the diary post. I don't know if my advice will really change much, I'm younger than you by quite a few years, but I'll try <3

I know this site can be draining, I'm a content creator myself (I write fanfics lol). And even when I convince myself that I write for myself, and not for notes, I can't help checking the damned post every two minutes for them. Most, if not all of us, crave that validation subconsciously. Don't feel bad for it, love. You work hard on your gifs and wanting recognition for it is not a bad thing! I've been following you for quite a while now, and your gifs are always exceptionally pretty. I've grown attached to them, as well as your blog.

This site makes us all feel so toxic for facing common negative emotions. I have friends i know in real life on this site, and sometimes, though I try not to, I can't help comparing myself to them. It makes me feel like I'm being arrogant, pretending to be superior to them. So I used to push it down till I couldn't anymore. But that didn't work for me.

The best thing you can do is take breaks whenever it gets overwhelming. Long ones, short ones, whichever you prefer. You can still come onto the site, just wander around without reblogging anything or talking to anyone. You can even make a side blog, just for the things that calm you down or make you feel at peace. Somewhere you can just reblog cute little cat drawings lol. I know that you have friends on this site, and you talk to them often, if not regularly. Chances are that they are not actually tired of you. Of course, that doesn't really dissolve the fear that they might be, but trust me, you're not annoying in the slightest.

Lastly, you're not a bother. You earned all your friends, and followers. You have every right to talk about things that cause you trouble. You're worth damn much, and are so precious - and I'm sure people understand that. So, take your time, don't rush, and we're here if you need to talk to someone <333

I hope this helped a little, if not a lot. You're deserving of someone who listens to you, you're deserving of the love you get, and more, Annie.

(I love that you're referring to it as "diary post" hehe, I just thought it would make it a bit more light-hearted for myself too if I'll treat it like one.)

Oh love, where to start... Firstly, thank you for your sweet compliments on my gifs, it always makes my heart beat a little faster, hearing that someone enjoys my content. It's so interesting (and also kind of relieving?) to hear that you as a writer experience similar inner struggles when it comes to notes and all that. There must go hours and hours into your works too, writing must be so time-consuming. Making up the plot itself, then putting it into a coherent storyline, then maybe beta'ing plus formatting the post and maybe making a header and a tag list...phew, I can only imagine. This is so much work and of course it's disappointing when you don't get the feedback you hoped for. Same goes for me, and it's always especially devastating when it's a work of yours that you really, really love yourself. It can make me really insecure you know? It makes me question my own perception, taste and abilities. So a major thing I have to get sorted out is to stop seeking all that validation from what I post on tumblr and more importantly from others, especially strangers, in general. It needs to come more from within, but that's certainly a hard one.

Hm, I think the second part of your message is rather the crucial point of my original "rant" ... I know that you have friends on this site, and you talk to them often, if not regularly. Chances are that they are not actually tired of you. This part freaks me out so much, it's insane. I can't be sure of that... I'm absolutely terrible when it comes to chatting, I closed my direct messages for people I don't follow because I can't even properly talk to my mutuals and it's making me feel like the biggest a**hole there is. Yes I do love sending and answering asks, but those conversations always seem so superficial. I see mutuals of mine having discord chats with each other, talking every day, and I feel like such a loser and bad friend for not being able to do such simple and fun things. I try to put all my love in tags and asks but most of the time that doesn't really seem enough to build proper bonds with people I really, really adore. I don't know, I just feel so guilty for leaving people high and dry.... and it makes me not want to call the people I've met on here friends anymore to distance myself from the bad conscience. I don't think that makes sense but not a lot does in my head lately. I'm just genuinely scared that people I like so much stop liking me because of what I do or rather not do. Actually, this seemed to have happened already, so it's not even a totally unreasonable fear.

Thank you for the reassurance, dear. I put my life story out here like every second day haha, I'm sure there're many people that think something like "what is this girl doing, sharing all her misery on her bts blog" lmao, but hey it is my safe space and it really helps to write things down and talk about it with others.

Lastly, I wanna say your last two paragraphs right back at you. It's unbelievable that you sent me that ask, your heart must be the size of an elephant (how tall are you?). You really managed to make me feel better about myself, to comfort me and want to get better. You're incredible and I hope you receive as much love every day as you've just given me, you deserve even more, actually. 🤍

[mc-lukanette]

[Part 1] [Part 2]

"Sass, scales rest."

Luka felt the de-transformation light wash over him as Sass emerged, hovering a small distance away. The battle had been easy enough, though Luka's face inadvertently implied otherwise.

The red of Ladybug's suit only reminded him of Marinette's situation - her “fate” - and he couldn't shake it no matter how hard he tried.

"Thanks for your help, Luka. I know I can always count on you," Ladybug said, holding her hand out with the tiny Miracle Box on it. She then paused, noting his expression, and questioned gently, "Is... everything okay?"

He straightened, his hand instinctively reaching for the bangle on his wrist. Stopping short, he hesitated for a moment, then sighed. "Ladybug."

She took a step closer, holding the box to her chest as she replied, "Yes?"

"Can I... talk to Sass?" he asked, then clarified, "Alone, for a while?"

The brows of her mask rose, the concern in her face doubling. Her free hand reached for him, though didn't touch him directly. "Luka, really, is something wrong?"

Luka was glad that she trusted him not to run off with the miraculous at least. Still, he struggled to explain the issue; would she even understand it?

Sass floated in front of his face, eyeing him quietly, then turned to address Ladybug's question himself. "This is a matter between snakes."

She tilted her head in confusion, looking back-and-forth between the two like she was trying to piece together what that meant. When she couldn’t seem to find an answer, she gave in and nodded her head anyway. "Um, okay. It sounds serious. I hope nothing's wrong. I'll—uh—" She looked around, then pointed to a nearby alleyway. "—go recharge and meet you back here?"

Luka nodded, then followed after Sass as he flew in the opposite direction that Ladybug was going. They went into an alleyway of their own, Luka letting out a sigh as he leaned against the wall.

"What did you see?" Sass inquired, crossing his legs and placing his paws on his knees to show that he was offering his full attention.

Luka glanced up at him, frowned, then looked down at the snake bangle and fiddled with it. "My friend... Marinette—" He made eye contact, hoping he wouldn't have to explain himself further. "Do you know her?"

"Ah." Sass gave a hint of a smile, placing a paw to his chin in thought. "Multimouse."

Completely unsuprised and thus unphased by the notion that she'd been a hero, Luka murmured, "So you've seen it. T-the..." He raised his hand to his neck, his thumb and index finger indicating what had already been burned into his memory by then. When Sass didn't respond, Luka hurriedly added, "The red string."

Sass straightened at that. "She had the string... around her neck?"

Luka nodded, grimacing at the sentence. "You didn't see it?"

"I can sense the bonds, but I can't see them," Sass explained. He uncrossed his legs, floating down towards the snake bangle. Luka raised his forearm in response, keeping it level with his chest, and Sass placed his paws on the object, turning it into its transformed state. "The miraculous has more magic in it than simply giving a kwami's power to a holder. I've been sealed in that box for so long, and it's been a very long time since I could affect anyone's fate myself; it's usually just myself and my holder until they have to give up their miraculous."

Luka held still as Sass brought himself to rest on Luka's forearm, keeping his paws on the miraculous while rubbing it in thought. Tail wrapping around Luka's arm, Sass then continued, "But the magical bond the miraculous creates gives my holder power from being connected to me. You see fate because you can interact with the world around you."

"And... Marinette?" Luka urged. "Can I help her?"

Sass took his paws away from the miraculous, settling for lounging on his arms and staring up at Luka thoughtfully. "You said... her neck?"

Luka nodded urgently.

"Ah, she's a victim of the kind of fate no one would want," Sass observed neutrally, though Luka got the feeling that he was hiding concern from him. "Do you remember what I said about her luck?"

"You think that has something to do with this...?" Luka asked, gaping in disbelief. Marinette having terrible luck was bad enough, but this—

"It's possible." Sass pressed his cheek to Luka's skin, never breaking eye contact with him. "Or it could be that the universe has done this for the sake of the one on the other end."

"The other—" Luka felt a spike of irritation, his free hand tightening into a fist "You mean this is all for Adrien? What about her?"

Sass' expression soured at the mention of Adrien. "It's what destiny has already decided for her. It wants everything to happen in a certain way, punishing those it's against and favoring those it prefers."

"Against? Prefers?" Luka hissed, raising his voice at the implications. "So it's tripping Marinette - choking her - for its own sick games? Because Marinette is so talented and amazing that they—they—"

He looked away, idly searching the sky for specks of black and purple while forcing himself to calm down. Running a hand across his face, he took a deep breath through his nose and let it out through his mouth.

"Can I help her?" he repeated as he looked back at Sass. Gesturing desperately with his free hand, he begged, "There has to be a way, Sass, please."

"Snakes choose their own fate, and they have the power to change the fate of others," Sass reminded him, then paused for effect before continuing, "but they can't change everything. It depends on them, the person who has the fate, and what the snake is willing to do."

Luka opened his mouth, ready to say he'd do anything, but noticed that Sass seemed to have more to say. He at least got the feeling that Sass already knew anyway.

Sass offered an approving smile, confirming Luka's feeling, then gave him a brief once-over. Humming with intrigue, he met Luka's gaze with an evaluation of, "If it's you, I won't worry about her."

"Huh? What—"

"Luka?"

Ladybug came to stand at the entrance of the alleyway, backlit by the light behind her. She walked forward, biting her lip for a moment before saying, "Sorry, I was waiting but I got anxious—not that I thought you'd go anywhere, but—" She wrung her hands together, brows furrowed with concern. "—you were taking a while..."

Luka glanced at Sass for an acceptable response, but Sass didn't reply to her. Instead, he uncurled his tail from Luka's arm, floating up to be level with his face and giving him a reassuring nod. Luka wasn't exactly convinced of anything certain, but looking between Ladybug and Sass, he knew he couldn't delay things forever to ask every question he had.

He wasn't sure he wanted the answer to some of them anyway.

Closing his eyes, Luka gripped the miraculous and pulled it off, only opening his eyes again when Sass was back inside. Ladybug approached, a little awkward but nevertheless taking the miraculous from him and returning it to the little box. She then searched his eyes, unsure, but asked, "Was there something wrong with me giving you the miraculous? If it's a problem, I—"

"No," Luka said firmly, bringing one hand underneath hers and the other on the box on top. "It's not that. I'm grateful, if anything. It's..." He sighed. "...someone I'm worried about."

"Really?" She seemed hesitant to prod. "Who...?"

"...Marinette," he answered automatically, his hands dropping back to his side as he ducked his head. "She's going through a lot, and I—I just want to be there for her."

He missed the slight gape Ladybug gave, along with her blush. He was too busy staring at the ground, at a complete loss for what to do; Sass had given him answers, but not a lot of advice, and the idea of seeing that tightening string again tore him up inside.

He only became aware of Ladybug’s presence again when she stepped towards him and placed her hands on his cheeks, gently encouraging him to look at her. Blue eyes met blue as she whispered affectionately, "I'm sure she knows that, and I'd bet both of my earrings that she appreciates it. If you're even half of the person you are as a hero, she's lucky to have you."

Lucky. The word brought a sense of numbness with it, but there was something familiar about Ladybug that made him accept it for now, enough for his shoulders to relax as he was pulled back to reality.

He didn't have a plan, but he was a Couffaine, and he wasn't going to give up that easily; not when Marinette didn't give up on him either when his music had been stolen. She was worth all the support he could offer her and so much more.

[guardianofrivendell]

I’ve Got You

Fíli x fem!reader  

Requested: Yes, by me 😂, based on this post 

Warnings: Jealous and worried Fili, cheeky Kíli, awkward Thorin and angst if you squint 

A/N: It’s finally here! A whopping 7k (when I made the outline of the story I thought about 1.5k, 2k tops but then I added a subplot and I kept going and going...) I wrote this as a treat for myself because selflove is very important and I have no shame.  Special thanks to @katethewriter​ for her advice, grammar check and helping me calm down when I thought this was rubbish!

A/N2: Another reminder that English isn’t my native language, so I’m sorry if it’s not as poetic as it should be. That’s the fault of my lack of decent English vocabulary.

Every quest comes with the possibility of danger, injury or even death. It was drilled into you by your parents, but that didn’t stop you from joining your two friends Fíli and Kíli on their quest to reclaim their home. It wasn’t like you had anything else to do and besides, you never went on an adventure before. How could you say no to such an opportunity? Not even the prospect of traveling with 13 male dwarves could stop you. You liked them, they liked you. This would be like one giant sleepover! There was some small protest from your future companions, mainly Thorin and Dwalin, who didn’t want to take you with them. A tiny woman like yourself on this dangerous quest? You would only slow them down. That’s what they said to you, but the main reason was they only wanted to protect you; keep you safe from all the dangers of the quest. After you asked them again and again - maybe even begged, but you’d never admit it to anyone - and you promised them you could take care of yourself and they needed your skills, and after both Fíli and Kíli had promised to keep an eye on you and keep you safe, Thorin reluctantly agreed. 

The journey had only been going on for a few weeks, when the two brothers broke their promise. It was the umpteenth day of constant hiking, climbing and trudging through mud, water and dirt. Gandalf had left the company, and it had affected everyone’s mood for the worst. You kept yourself at the back of the group the entire day, feet and legs sore from the constant walking, but unwilling to say something about it. You had promised you wouldn’t be a burden, so you weren’t going to be one. 

In the late afternoon you reached a gully with a rickety looking bridge. On the other side, about 100 yards from the edge was a thickly wooded forest that seemed to go on forever. You didn’t know why but it gave you the creeps. A shiver ran across your spine, making you shake your shoulders and Kíli raised an eyebrow at you. He and Fíli took turns walking next to you to keep you company, and today it was his turn. You gestured to him it was nothing, but he kept an eye on you just in case. It wasn’t like you to be this quiet and he was starting to get worried. Maybe this quest was too much for you after all. “We will cross the bridge, and take our rest for the night at the edge of the forest,” Thorin ordered. It wasn’t even near supper time yet, but the dwarven King had noticed his company was getting tired. An extra few hours of rest would do them good, and hopefully lift up their spirits. The otherwise rambunctious and loud group of dwarves were too quiet for his liking.

“You’ve been awfully quiet today, Y/N,” Fíli asked you with a worried look, noticing you had been walking slower than before. He had been trying to talk to you before, but Thorin took his constant attention. Now that they were rearranging the weight in their packs in preparation to cross the bridge - that didn’t seem like they could hold their weight, Fíli thought - he had a few minutes to himself. You smirked at him. “I could say the same thing about you, Fee.” He gave you a wide smile. When you were done repacking your bag under the watchful eye of the two brothers, you waited for further instructions from Thorin. 

Dwalin had to go first, and Bombur second. If they could make it to the other side, the bridge would be safe for all of you. The bridge was in ruin, but seemed solid enough. It creaked and groaned when Dwalin slowly crossed it, and everyone thought it would break under Bombur’s weight but it surprisingly held on.

Fíli had to go next, and he looked back at you. “See you on the other side, mimûna,” he teased. (little one) You rolled your eyes at the nickname, but couldn’t stop the blood rising in your cheeks. Even though you were 4 inches taller than him, he still called you little. For a human you were on the small side, true, but what you lacked in height you’d like to think you made up for in fierceness. You hated and loved the nickname. You were the only one fortunate enough to get one - aside from his brother of course - and it made you feel important. Like you mattered. 

The others of the company slowly made their way over the bridge, one by one. It took some time because they couldn’t rush, carefully taking every step, testing the remaining strength of the next log. It seemed to you the ropes of the bridge were making more noise, and most of the logs were creaking so loud you expected them to break at any moment. Every crack made you flinch. Kíli noticed your discomfort. He was about to make the crossing, but decided he would stay with you. Ori shook his head before he took Kíli’s place. 

When everyone else had crossed the gully, only you and Kíli were left. “You go ahead, Kee, I’ll be right behind you,” you said to him. He watched you for a few seconds, before turning his head to the forest, where Fíli was. His brother would kick him into next week if he would let anything happen to you. “You sure?” “Yes! Go on, I’ll be fine,” you assured him. 

You took a few deep breaths when Kíli was halfway down the bridge, knowing it was almost your turn. The others didn’t wait for you, all of them eager to reach the forest so they could rest their feet and have a nice hot meal. When Kíli finally reached the end, one of the logs broke off and he could barely hold himself up on the tattered rope. He jumped over the hole and landed on the edge with a thump. He immediately threw his pack aside and turned around, gesturing at you to start walking. 

“Just go slow,” he yelled. I’d rather just start running and get it over with, you thought but decided against it. You carefully put one foot over the other, hands clamped over the ropes. The logs started groaning heavily under your weight and you didn’t know whether to be terrified or insulted. You decided to freeze instead. “Y/N?” Kíli asked. “It’s okay to be scared! Just look at me alright?” “I’m not scared,” you yelled back. “I just don’t trust this bridge!” Against your better judgment, you looked down. The gully seemed a lot deeper from up here! “No, look at me! Keep your eyes locked in mine, I know you want to!” Kíli laughed, his joking nature never too far gone. You did as he asked, and he guided you over the bridge one step at a time. 

Kíli was relieved he had been able to calm you down. He didn’t like how the bridge moved and protested against your movements, his goal was to get you off as quickly as possible. He kept gesturing at you to keep moving, speaking encouraging words now and then. But the closer you got to the missing log, the heavier the creaks got. The wood had endured too much with a full company of dwarves with heavy loaded packs running over it moments before. He noticed your face twisting in fear. 

“Hey, Y/N, don’t worry. It’s going to be okay!” It was not going to be okay, and he knew. He looked behind him, but the other members of the company were too far off except for Nori and Dori. “Throw me your bag, you’re close enough,” he said, trying to think of ways to make it safer. But he shouldn’t have asked you that. The minute you threw your pack, you placed your foot on another log for support. The log broke off under the sudden weight, and your foot fell through, sending the broken log pieces into the river below. In an attempt to keep your balance, you took a step forward with your other foot on the next log only for it to break as well. 

“Y/N!” Kíli cried, his eyes wide in horror. You frantically clawed at the remaining parts of the bridge, but it all started to crumble down, taking you with it. “No!” he yelled, rushing towards the edge. His yelling alerted the rest of the company, most of them turning around to see what the fuss was about. ”What’s wrong, Kee?” Fíli yelled all the way from the front. They had reached the edge of the forest and were already busy setting up camp. 

“Kíli!” Thorin yelled when he didn’t answer. 

Fíli watched his brother drop to his knees, looking over the edge of the gully. Nori and Dori soon joined him, gesturing wildly to each other. 

“What in Durin’s name are they doing?” Thorin asked him. “Did someone fall down?”

Fíli did a quick headcount, and to his horror he realized there was one person missing. They saw Kíli slowly lowering himself over the edge, confirming their suspicions. His first reaction was to look for you, and when he couldn’t find you, his heart sunk. “It’s Y/N...” Fíli realised in shock, “Y/N!!” He threw his pack to the side and ran back to the bridge as fast as his legs could take him, ignoring his uncle’s cries. The only thing that mattered to him at that moment was you.  

In the meantime Kíli had lowered himself to the small ledge you were lucky enough to fall on. It was only a few yards and the undergrowth that was covering the side provided enough material to climb down without a rope. “Hold on, Y/N! I’m almost there,” he assured you. To his relief he saw you were still moving, and nothing seemed wrong at first sight. “I’m okay, it’s just my leg that’s stuck. These things are heavier than they seem.” Most of the broken logs had fallen into the river, but some of them fell down on the ledge with you, crushing your leg. You probably had some cuts and bruises too, but those were the least of your worries. You groaned when you tried to pull your foot from under the bridge pieces, ignoring Nori and Dori’s cries to keep still. The thing that was hurt the most though, was your pride. You had promised them you wouldn’t be a burden, that you could take care of yourself. And the first to be injured on the quest was you. You would laugh at the irony of it all if you weren’t so scared of the consequences. Thorin would probably leave you in the first town you would come across. 

Kíli hopped down on the ledge and started removing the logs that crushed your leg. “How is she?” you heard someone yell. When you looked up, you saw several heads sticking out over the edge. “I’m fine!” you yelled back, irritation clear in your voice. You hated to be the center of attention. Luckily both Fíli and Kíli knew this, and Fíli took it upon himself to send everyone back to camp except for Oin. Kíli lifted the last one, and you pulled your foot towards you. He let the log drop with a thud. 

“What’s the damage?” he asked with a big grin, but his eyes looked worried. You clutched your foot, it was completely numb because the log had cut off the blood flow. There was also this dull pain that started to spread in your ankle towards your foot, but you shrugged it off.  “Nothing, I’m fine,” you reassured him, but Kíli didn’t buy it. “I’ll carry you, it’s a long way up,” he offered, pointing to the edge. Fíli let a rope down, so he and Oin could pull the both of you up. “I can do it myself.” “Y/N, until Oin can look at your foot I’m going to carry you whether you like it or not. I’m not taking any risks,” he said, throwing Fíli a knowing look. 

He wrapped the rope around his wrist and grabbed it, giving it a small tug. He opened his other arm for you and lifted his eyebrow. “Are you coming?” You got up carefully, trying to avoid that one ankle so as to not give you away. The pain was getting worse with each passing second. Kíli wrapped his arm around your waist and told you to wrap your arm around his shoulder for support. “Oh, Fíli is going to love this,” he murmured to himself when you snuggled into his side. “What?” you asked him, not catching what he was saying. “Hold on to me as tight as you can!”

Fíli and Oin pulled the both of you up in no time. When you reached the top of the gully, Fíli took you out of his brother’s arms, wrapping an arm around your waist and under your knees. “Easy, mimûna, I’ve got you,” he cooed, planning to carry you bridal style to the makeshift campsite. Oin was already probing at your ankle but you weren’t having any of it. “I can walk, you know. Seriously, I’m fine,” you swapped Oin away. “You don’t have to baby me!” Fíli put you back on the ground, raised his hands in surrender and chuckled. “Fine, go on then.” You raised your chin and huffed. This would hurt, but you were tough. It was only about a 100 yards to the camp. You placed your injured foot first, and the minute you put your weight on it, a shooting pain shot through your ankle and leg and your knee buckled. Two strong arms caught you in time, and a low voice whispered in your ear. “You were saying?” Fíli swooped you back into his arms and carried you to camp, a grinning Kíli in his wake. 

Back in camp you tried to minimize your injury, terrified Thorin wouldn’t want you in his company anymore. You reassured everyone that you were fine over and over again. Oin proved you wrong when he took off your boot and a high-pitch scream escaped your mouth. Did he have to be so brutal? A little tenderness never killed anyone, you groaned internally. Three pairs of eyes followed Oin’s every move. Every time you flinched when he hit a particular painful or sensitive spot Fíli held his breath. 

Kíli patted his shoulder. “She’ll be fine.” “I know,” he smiled gratefully at his little brother, but flinched when he heard you whimper. “Careful, Fee, someone might notice,” Kíli sang teasingly when he went to sit with the others, leaving him with you and Oin. He couldn’t resist wiggling his eyebrows when he sat down on the ground next to Thorin and Balin. 

Oin was in the middle of bandaging your ankle when Thorin stood up. Everyone went quiet and kept their eyes trained on him while he made his way towards you. “Her ankle is severely sprained, but not broken,” Oin began explaining, “I’ve put a bandage around it for support, but she won’t be able to walk on it for a few days I’m afraid.” This was it, you thought. For you, the quest would end here. You couldn’t walk, and if someone had to support you the entire time, you’d become the burden you were trying so hard not to be. “How far is it to the nearest village?” Thorin’s voice rang over the campsite, asking no one in particular. You closed your eyes in defeat. “You mean to leave her behind?” Bilbo asked, eyes wide. There was some protest going around in the camp, mostly from the two princes. Fíli jumped up. “We are not leaving anyone behind!” “Fíli, don’t be foolish,” Thorin snapped. Just like Kíli, he hadn’t missed the looks his nephew gave their female companion. Fíli let his heart take over to reason, a dangerous thing to do. He will understand eventually, Thorin thought. “I will carry her if I must!” “You can not carry her all the way to the Lonely Mountain,” Thorin argued. “Watch me,” Fíli threw back.

Before things could escalate, Bofur spoke up, “I’ll help.” “So will I. We’ll take turns,” Kíli quickly followed his example. “Aye!” To everyone’s surprise Dwalin rose to his full height. You’ve never really interacted much with Dwalin, since he was against you joining the company and you didn’t want to annoy him too much. So him standing up for you now, took you by surprise. 

You had watched the interaction between the dwarves with a small heart. Fíli going against his Uncle, no, his King’s wishes in front of the company was unheard of, and you didn’t want to be the reason behind their falling out. “You really don’t have to do this, I-” “Nonsense,” Fíli interrupted you. “Let’s face it, Y/N, you’re one of us. And we don’t leave one of our own behind. Ever.” He looked at Thorin when he said his last word, challenging him to disagree. But to his surprise his uncle agreed with him, a tiny glint of mirth in his eyes. “So it shall be, everyone will take their turn in carrying Y/N until her ankle is cured.”

You didn’t sleep that night. At all. If it wasn’t the throbbing pain in your ankle that kept you awake, it were your neverending worries about the quest. Whoever was unlucky enough to be on “Y/N-duty”, was going to be a living target. With no free hands, they didn’t have any chance to defend themselves if they were under attack. You couldn’t live with yourself if something were to happen to anyone in the company. Fíli or Kíli in particular. 

You sighed, and your eyes automatically wandered to the two sleeping princes. There was no denying that you liked them both, though each in a different way. Kíli turned into your best friend almost immediately after you met him. He liked to joke around, didn’t take everything that seriously but had your back nonetheless. You’d feel sorry for anyone who would try to harm you, almost certain that Kíli would annihilate them without a second thought.  His brother Fíli was something else entirely. You joked around as well, often together with Kíli, and you knew he would go to the end of Arda for you if he had to and would also gladly destroy anyone who would even consider hurting you. But there was something else. Something you didn’t have with Kíli. Because Kíli didn’t make your cheeks flush when he changed shirts or flexed his muscles. When he rolled up his tunic sleeves and you could see the veins on his forearms your breath didn’t hitch. Your stomach didn’t flip every time he sat next to you or gave you a lopsided smile. But with Fíli, it did... Kíli stirred in his sleep, which pulled you out of your thoughts. The last thing you wanted was someone catching you staring at them. Come on, Y/N, you thought, there’s no time for self discovery. Sleep!

When the dwarves and Bilbo woke up the next morning, you were still sitting half upright against your rock, eyes wide open. Fíli rubbed his face with both hands, trying to get rid of the sleep. His eyes traveled to your figure and he frowned. It didn’t look like you had the best night. He watched you take a plate with breakfast from Ori, smiling politely but wincing when you adjusted your position. He hated to see you in pain. When Thorin announced you would take your leave, he and Kíli made their way towards you. “Ready to go?” he asked. “Well, I wanted to do my morning run before we left but I guess that’ll have to wait now,” you sighed and broke out into a broad smile when you saw his stunned face. “How do you want to do this? Do I still carry that myself?” You pointed to your pack. But Fíli didn’t want to waste any more time, seeing most of the company had already left. He scooped you into his arms like you weighed nothing, and Kíli took your pack. “Already taken care of, mimûna, do not worry,” he smiled. 

Not worrying was easier said than done. Being in his arms meant that you couldn’t possibly be closer to him than you were. You had a really hard time trying to control your heartbeat, convinced Fíli could hear how it practically hammered out of your chest. If he did, he didn’t say anything about it. It was a bit awkward at first too, you didn’t know where to look. Your position allowed you to watch his face the entire time, and as much as you would want to do just that - admiring the depth of his blue eyes, the crinkles around those eyes when he laughed, his jawline and those lips, easy Y/N, get it together! - you couldn’t do that. So you kept your eyes fixed on the ground or on Kíli’s back who was walking right in front of you. 

Fíli didn’t talk much, always looking ahead. Which you thought was odd because before your injury, when you walked with him he barely kept his mouth shut. Did he regret his decision?

“If- If you want to take a break, I could try and see if I can walk for a while?” you tried. He blinked rapidly with his eyes, like you just pulled him out of a daydream, and looked at you questioningly. “You don’t want me to carry you anymore?” “No, I mean… I do! But you know, I might get too heavy after a while, or… I don’t know,” you murmured the last part silently. Fíli scoffed and lifted you above his head before he snuggled you against his chest again. “I can do this all day, mimûna. You worry too much.” You felt the blush rise again. How was it possible that the nickname still had this effect on you after all this time? It took you ages and a lot of threatening before Kíli finally told you what it meant, since you didn’t know any Khuzdûl. Luckily the colouring of your cheeks went unnoticed. 

After a while, the lack of sleep was starting to get to you. Fíli’s warmth combined with the gentle rocking of his footsteps made it very difficult for you to keep your eyes open. You jawned multiple times before you felt yourself slipping away. It didn’t take long before Fíli felt the weight of your head on his chest, eyes closed and your hands still in your lap. He adjusted his hold on you and shifted your body a little, so your neck would be in a better angle. Kíli looked behind him and smirked. “Were you that boring?” He didn’t react, letting his brother have his fun. If he had to admit, he found it oddly comforting to hold you this close, knowing he was the one who was protecting you. The words of his Uncle suddenly came to mind, and his mood changed. For some reason he didn’t look forward to you being in someone else’s arms. 

When the sun was just about set, Thorin made the company halt for the night. He didn’t let them take a break during the day, not even for lunch, so to say everyone was relieved was an understatement. Everyone, except Fíli. If he was honest, he liked to have you in his arms and was rather reluctant to let you go. 

You had only just woken up a few moments before and were still a bit groggy. While you rubbed the sleep out of your eyes, Fíli lowered you gently to the ground and let himself fall down next to you. “Thank you,” you muttered with a small smile and he chuckled. You were too adorable when you were sleepy. “Anytime, mimûna.” “How many times do I have to tell you! I’m taller than you…” you laughed, shoving his arm playfully. “You need to think of a new nickname!” The both of you looked up when Kíli dropped your pack at your feet. “Your luggage, my lady,” he greeted you, doing an exaggerated curtsy. You rolled your eyes. “I’m not calling you a lord, Kee. Forget it.” “Of course not,” he smirked, opening his arms and puffing his chest. “Because I’m a prince!” “Prince or not, you can go and wet this cloth for Y/N’s ankle,” Oin appeared behind him, handing him a large piece of fabric before he turned his attention to you. “Let’s take a look at that ankle of yours, okay lass?”

When he took the bandage of your ankle, you heard Fíli suck in a breath. Your ankle was twice the normal size, a dark almost black bruise going from your foot to halfway up your leg. “Y/N…” Fíli breathed, eyes full of worry. “When Kíli gets back, we can take care of the swelling,” Oin tried to comfort you, although you had the impression he was saying it more for Fíli’s sake than yours. 

By the time Kíli came back with the cloth, you were eating dinner and everyone had come to check on you at least twice. Fíli hadn’t left your side. Their kindness didn’t surprise you - after all they had been nothing but kind to you in the past. But it still warmed your heart. “Took you long enough,” Oin said, taking over the wet cloth. “It took me a while to find a river and I-”, he said, his voice caught in his throat when he saw your ankle. Just like his brother, he looked at you with worried eyes. “And I uhm, I had to find something to carry water back here. When the cloth turns warm, you can cool it down again.” “Good thinking, lad,” Oin complimented him. “You went through all of that trouble for me?” Kíli looked at you, and winked. “Anything for you, Y/N.” He didn’t miss the hard look his brother threw him. 

Oin placed the cold, wet cloth on your ankle and you sighed contentedly. “Feels good?” Fíli asked. You hummed, eyes closed. “Leave it until it turns warm. I’ll come back later to check on you,” Oin instructed, and he went back to the other side of camp to finish his dinner. Kíli sat down next to his brother, and elbowed his side. “Heard that? I made her feel good,” he whispered. The others all looked up when Fíli smacked the back of his brother’s head, chuckling at their antics. “The future pride of Erebor,” Dwalin grumbled, shaking his head. 

The next day it was Kíli’s turn to carry you, much to the barely hidden annoyance of his brother. In his opinion, Kíli was getting a little too comfortable with you in his arms... Fíli was walking at the front of the group again, right behind Dwalin and Thorin. He would much rather have walked at the back with you, but his uncle had insisted he’d stay at his side.  But even from up there he could hear the laughter and the giggles all too clearly. It stung, hearing how you were enjoying yourself at the expense of his brother. He hadn’t been able to spend as much time with you as he would have wanted yesterday, since you were asleep most of the time. It did however give him plenty of time to think about how he felt about you… There was no denying he felt something. He just hadn’t decided what it was exactly. At one moment when he looked behind him to check on you, he saw Kíli tossing you up a bit which made you squeal. “Kíli!” he yelled before he could stop himself. All eyes turned to him, including yours. Fíli scratched the back of his neck. “Just… be careful, alright?” “Don’t worry brother, she’s safe with me,” he said, hugging you closer. “I won’t let her fall.” He only grunted in response, before he turned around and stomped past Thorin and Dwalin, taking the lead. “What?” Kíli grinned when you smacked his chest. “Be nice to your brother.” “Oh trust me, I’m doing him a great favor…”

The following day after Oin rebandaged your ankle - which was getting a little better with the swelling almost gone, the bruise already turning purple at the edges - Fíli walked towards you with the full intention of spending the entire day with you. He grabbed your pack and threw it on his back alongside his own. He’d probably regret that by the end of the day, but he wanted to prove something. “Fee, that’s too much! You can’t carry me and my pack!” you gasped. “That is why Bofur will take over today,” Thorin announced. Bofur was standing next to him, beaming at you. “Uncle, that will not be necessary, I’ve got it,” Fíli insisted. “It’s not open for discussion.” You looked at Fíli apologetically. If you were honest, you preferred to be carried by him - for no particular reason at all - but spending the day with Bofur wouldn’t be that bad either. Fíli didn’t handle it that well though, he went to the others, but not before he made Bofur promise him to be careful with you.

“Alright, lass?” Bofur smiled at you, before he took you in his arms. He wasn’t as bulky as Fíli or Kíli, but he scooped you up with as little effort as they did. He entertained you with stories and songs, teaching you a few of the songs he knew but considering the odd lyrics you suspected he just made them up as he went. Not that you minded, it was very entertaining. You kept an eye on Fíli, but to your disappointment he never checked on you. He kept his gaze straight ahead, talking to Thorin once in a while but unlike yesterday with Kíli, he didn’t turn around every few minutes. Fíli’s odd behavior certainly didn’t improve the following days when you were carried by Dwalin, Gloin and Thorin. Yes… Thorin. Dwalin you could handle… a little. It was a very quiet day but not in an awkward way, he just didn’t talk much and you kept your mouth shut. Unlike the others he didn’t carry you bridal style, but on one arm, which you certainly didn’t mind.  How quiet your day with Dwalin was, the louder it was with Gloin. You hadn’t had a chance to really talk to him before so he took the opportunity with both hands to talk all about his lovely wife and son, Gimli. You didn’t mind really, it took your attention away from Fíli who was still acting weird. 

But then Thorin himself announced he would also take his turn. You almost said you could try and stumble or hop on one leg or something to avoid what surely would be a very, very awkward day, but decided to keep your mouth shut. The thing was, while you were in Thorin’s arms - who seemed almost as uncomfortable as you were - you were also close to Fíli, since he walked next to him. You tried to talk to him a few times, but the only responses you got were grunts, hums or a simple nod. ‘Your’ kind and cheerful Fíli was gone. Instead there was a moody, grumpy person who apparently had decided to avoid or ignore you at best. At one point you looked at Thorin in a silent question, who just shrugged his shoulders. The movement made your feet bump against each other, and you hissed. This seemed to break Fíli’s walls, because worry fell over his face instantly and he asked if you were alright, to which you assured him you were. Thorin apologized, and everything went quiet again. You couldn’t wait for the day to be over. 

You decided to talk to Kíli about it. If anyone would know what was bothering him, it would be his little brother. When you were sitting around the fire, moments before everyone would start getting ready to sleep, you hobbled towards Kíli. Your ankle wasn’t cured yet, but you could lean on your toes a bit without hurting too much. It wasn’t good enough to walk on your own - certainly not for an entire day and at the pace the company held - but it made you a little less dependent on others. Fíli saw you trying to take a few steps. His joy of seeing you up was short-lived when he saw you were making your way towards Kíli. Kíli on the other hand was happy to see you and patted the space next to him. He held your hands for support when you lowered yourself to the ground. “Tell me, to what do I owe your visit?” “Your brother,” you sighed. Kíli quirked an eyebrow. He had expected this moment to come, but not so soon. “Go on,” he urged you. “Do you know what’s bothering him? He’s acting weird…” Kíli gave you a look. “Okay, weirder,” you laughed. “He’s ignoring me and that’s not like him.” He noticed Fíli was watching the both of you like a hawk from the other side of camp, his expression unreadable but he knew better. He decided to have a little fun... Kíli threw his arm around you and pulled you closer, kissing the top of your head. That’s when Fíli lost it. He shot up and murmured something about going for a walk, leaving the campsite. “See? That’s what I mean,” you told him. Kíli just smiled, this was going perfectly! “Don’t worry, Y/N. He gets like that sometimes. Heir stuff, you know.” He rubbed your back soothingly. “He’ll come around.” “I hope you’re right…”

Fíli was pacing through the forest, up and down the same path over and over again in an attempt to keep himself from bursting out. He had been watching you interact with his brother, a strange feeling burning in his chest. This wasn’t just friendship anymore. How he couldn’t see you in another dwarf’s arms, the protectiveness he felt over you, the way you made him feel just by meeting his eyes… There was no use in denying it any longer. He was absolutely smitten by you. You were his One. That feeling he had been fighting against for the past couple of days finally had a name. Jealousy. And right now, he was jealous of his own brother. Kíli had met his burning gaze and he had tried to silently warn his younger brother. But instead of taking some distance from you like Fíli wanted him to, that cheeky little bastard threw his arm around you and pulled you against his side. He even had the nerve to kiss your hair! That was when he couldn’t take it anymore and left the camp. He needed to cool down before he would do or say something he’ll regret later. He slumped against a tree, closing his eyes in defeat. Because the worst thing of all was that you didn’t seem to mind the attention. When he thought about it, you always seemed to gravitate more towards Kíli. His brother could make you laugh like no other, and although he absolutely loved how your laugh traveled over the fields or mountains like the tune of a songbird, he wished he was the one to make you laugh like that. 

He wasn’t going to be the one to stand in the way of your happiness. If you wanted his brother, then he would accept that. Your happiness was his top priority. Even if that meant he was going to be miserable for the rest of his life…

When Fíli returned to the camp, everyone was asleep in their bedrolls. His eyes automatically searched for your sleeping figure. To his surprise you were still up, struggling with the bandage of your ankle. “You need some help?” You were startled by his voice breaking the silence. You’d seen him entering the campsite, but you didn’t expect him to come and talk to you. “I’m just trying to wrap it back up for the night, I didn’t want to bother Oin,” you explained, followed by a frustrated sigh. “But this is a lot harder than I thought.” He sat on the ground in front of you, legs crossed. 

“Allow me,” he smiled. He lifted your foot and placed it in his lap. Without a word he took the bandage out of your hand and started wrapping up your ankle. His calloused hands worked quickly, never hurting you once. His touch was so light you could hardly feel it. And yet every time his fingers touched you, it felt like he burned your skin. Just like that day you were in his arms, you had a hard time keeping yourself together. By the time he was finished, you were a complete mess. 

“Are you alright, mimûna? I didn’t hurt you too much, did I?” Oh no, you did the exact opposite, you thought. You just shook your head, not trusting your voice. The light of the campfire lit up his face, the flames reflecting in his eyes, and you had to remind yourself to keep breathing. In and out, Y/N… in and out. “Look, I need to apologize for my behavior. I wasn’t being fair to you,” Fíli began. He carefully placed your foot back and took both of your hands in his. You swallowed heavily. Was this the moment you had been waiting for? Were you getting the love declaration you so desperately wanted to hear? 

“I let my own feelings take the upper hand,” he said and your heart stopped. This was it… Fíli continued, “I was being selfish. But no more…” You felt yourself getting lighter with each word he spoke, slowly leaning in with your eyes closed for what surely would be the happiest moment of your life. Well… so far of course. “Your happiness is what matters most to me. And if it leads you to my brother, I will not stand in your way.” Wait… what? You opened your eyes again, shocked at his words. “W-what do you mean?” you asked, eyes wide. This was not going like you expected. At all. “I now know who your heart belongs to, Y/N,” he spoke softly, and you could see the hurt in his eyes. “And even though I wish with everything I’ve got that it wasn’t so, I am happy for my brother.”

You looked at him, mouth agape, absolutely stunned. Your laugh boomed over the campsite, waking up some of the company but neither of you noticed, too engrossed in your own conversation. “Now why in Durin’s name would you say that?” Fíli soon matched your stunned expression. One because you had used a Dwarven expression like it was your own, and second because... what? “Because you like my brother…?” “No silly,” you laughed. “I like you!” “You’re not in love with Kíli?” You threw your hands up in exasperation. “No! Where did you even get that idea?”

Someone cleared his throat, and the both of you looked behind you. Kíli stood there with the biggest grin on his face, hands in his pockets. “I might have something to do with that… I may or may not have tried to make you jealous on purpose.” He was obviously very pleased with himself; his little plan had worked so well. Fíli shot up from his place and Kíli took a few steps back. “Hey, hey, don’t look at me like that. You needed a nudge!”

But then Fíli seemed to remember what you said moments before. He turned so fast, his mustache beads smacked against his cheek. “Wait… you like me?” You nodded. A big smile appeared on his face. “Not Kíli? Me?” “Yes! Now will you please come back here so I can kiss you? I’m kind of stuck here,” you smiled, pointing at your ankle. 

Now it was Fíli’s turn to get all red. He hurried back to your side, and lifted you in his arms like he had done a few days before. Only now he wasn’t planning on letting you go ever again. You wrapped your arms around his neck and pressed your forehead against his. “Now how about that kiss,” you whispered. His lips ghosted yours for a second before you lost your patience and tugged at his hair.  It was a sweet and gentle kiss, and he drew away way too soon for your liking. “Always the gentleman,” you sighed, cupping his face and sneaking another short kiss because you couldn’t help yourself. “We have plenty of time, kurduwê,” he laughed. “Kurduwê? That’s new. What happened to mimûna?” “You wanted a new nickname, didn’t you?”

You turned to Kili, who was watching the both of you with a smile. “What does it mean?” “Kurduwê means ‘my heart’,” Fíli answered. “I wasn’t asking you,” you laughed. “But I do like this one better.” You gave him another kiss. Kíli groaned. “Guys, please don’t make me regret this…” The three of you laughed at that, and you promised him you would try to behave yourself. 

The others finally started cheering, letting you know they had heard the whole thing. Congratulations were given and Oin complimented Fíli on his excellent bandaging skills, after he checked your ankle. The company did give Fíli a hard time about his jealousy, and Kíli couldn’t help but contribute. “Oh, and Fíli?” Kíli said to his brother, smacking his shoulder a few times in a brotherly way. “Hmm?” “It’s still my turn to carry Y/N tomorrow.” Permanent taglist: @roosliefje​

A/N: There you go! Please let me know what you think of it with a reblog or a comment, heck, send me an ask or a dm and we’ll talk about this fic! Why don’t we talk about all the possible endings I wrote for this one, before I threw them all out and wrote what you just read?

[xoxo-teddybear]

He’s Lost - Bakugou Katsuki - Part 3

Bakugou x f!reader

Warnings: fluff, sexual mentions, smut, 18+, daddy kink, fingering (fisting?), f!receiving, alcohol, cursing, LONG WRITING PIECE, Bakusquad a teensy wheensy bit ooc, BAKUGOU BEING A BIG ASS SIMP

BAKUGOU’S MASTERLIST

Summary: After the classroom moment, Katsuki’s been doing everything he can to get you back. You’ve both come to terms as friends who are mutually pining for one another, but how long will it take to finally be found by one another?

A/N: Y’all I just have to keep saying thank you to all of you. The love and support is incredible and I never expected my one shot to be so likeable. Anyways, this piece is what will bring the whole story together. Just HELLA fluff. Hope you enjoy!

A/N: If you guys are curious as to what I put for Y/N’s quirk, I’ve titled it Phoenix. She has all the abilities of a Phoenix, like fire powers, regeneration, and flight ability with beautiful wings of fire that can come out on command. Honestly, her quirk isn’t really a big deal in the story but if you wanted to know, there you go.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

“YOU DID WHAT?!”

“I fucked her in the classroom,” Bakugou so calmly said while taking a sip from his water bottle.

Kirishima felt like he was gonna faint. He told his friend to talk to her so they could make up. He didn’t expect him to dick her down.

“Wow Kacchan, didn’t know you were an exhibitionist,” The electric blonde said while nudging Bakugou in the arm with his elbow.

“I’m not......well-“

“Katsuki” Kirishima said with a warning tone because he did NOT want to hear about his friend’s kinks.

“Right. Anyway, it was fine. No one was there...actually why weren’t you guys there? We all had class you idiots.” Bakugou asked.

“Mr. Aizawa told us the day before that we were going to meet up in gym gamma for an all day training sesh. So we were all shocked when one of our best fighters didn’t show.” Kirishima explained.

“Well nobody told me we were having an all day session.” Bakugou complained.

The group then raised their phones showing the texts sent to the group chat the boys of the Bakusquad shared.

8:47 a.m.

🦈 : Bakugou, tmr is all day training in the gym. Make sure you’re there

11:21 a.m.

🕷: You gonna be in the gym wit us tmrw Bakugou?

2:10 a.m.

⚡️: Sooo we’ll see u in the gym tmr Kacchan?

After some silence and Bakugou’s soft “oh,” Bakugou asked another question. “Well why wasnt Y/N there then?”

“Just like you, the girl wasn’t in class the day before so she didn’t know. She spent the day interning with Hawks.” Sero stated while taking a break from his bag of chips.

‘Hawks huh? Guess it made sense. You both had bird-like quirks, so you guys go well together’ The blonde thought to himself.

“But enough of why you weren’t there, tell us what happened with Y/N,” Sero added on.

“The hell? Why are you so invested in how I fucked her?” Bakugou said with attitude.

“Not that man,” Kirishima intervened, “we wanna know what happened after.”

“We also wanna know which desk you fucked on so we could avoid the cum splatter.” Kaminari said, earning a wack to the back of his head from Sero.

“Well I thought we were gonna make up and get back together,” Bakugou started and the trio of boys stared right at him as if he was going to open some buried treasure.

“But I guess she’s not ready for the relationship again. At least not yet. She said she wanted some time and then she’ll come back to me. All I gotta do is wait.” Bakugou said while getting comfortable in his spot on the common room couch.

“Says who?” Kaminari added.

“ ‘scuse me?” Bakugou asked.

“Who says all you gotta do is wait?” Bakugou looked at his idiotic friend.

“She did, Dunce Face.”

“Well you could wait for her, but if I was you, I’d still treat her like my girlfriend.” The electric blonde stated.

“Huh?” The entire group asked.

“Bakugou look. Give Y/N the time she wants, but you could still treat her like your girlfriend. It’ll remind her of the times you had and it’l-“

“I’m gonna stop you right there Kaminari.”

As the group turned towards the doorway, they saw Y/N. She seemed to have gotten back from some extra training considering she was still wearing gym attire and her duffel bag was still on her shoulder.

“Hey Y/N, just got back from the gym?” Kirishima kindly started up a conversation with the girl.

“Yeah. Had to take a shower there too to save some time. I’m heading back out to go on a late night patrol with Hawks after I drop off my bag, but I can spend 2 minutes to explain something to you, dorks.” You started walking towards the group, more specifically behind Bakugou’s seat.

“I’m gonna make this real simple. Katsuki and I don’t need a grand plan to get back together. We just need some time,” when you finally made it behind Bakugou, you gently wrapped your arms around Katsuki’s neck area, “besides, Suki knows I’ll always come back to him. He’s my one and only after all, right?” You said the last part while looking at Bakugou.

“Right.” Katsuki proudly replied.

You leaned in to give him a little hug from behind and pecked his cheek before walking off to your room.

Katsuki couldn’t help but smile and watch as you walked away. He knew you guys would end up back together. All he has to do is wait. But his moment was ruined by a certain dunce face.

“Damn dude, what the fuck kinda dick did you give her to get her to act like that with you?” He shockingly asked.

“SHUT UP!” Bakugou screamed as his two other friends laughed.

——————————————————————————

Ever since, Bakugou and You grew closer and closer. To others, it looked like exes who stuck to being friends. Best friends, if anything. Y’all played together as best friends, fought and bickered like best friends and looked out for each other and loved one another like best friends. But in reality, you and Bakugou were just falling for each other even more day after day. Yes, it was clear to you both that you were already in love with each other, but damn y’all didn’t know love could grow so strong.

Bakugou stuck to his word though. He was doing whatever it took to get you back, and yeah. Maybe he took a little bit of Kaminari’s advice and continued to treat you as his girlfriend. The only difference was that he didn’t and couldn’t claim you so it kinda hurt him but he was ok because he knows what’ll happen in the end.

So now we have this Bakugou who’s at your every beck and call, even when you don’t call. Thirsty in the middle of class? Bakugou’s got your favorite drink with him on standby. Craving something special? Bakugou will learn how to make it for you. Tired after a hard day’s work? The angry Pomeranian was there to carry you back to the dorms. What a simp.

——————————————————————————

*RIINNNGGGGGG*

And there goes the bell for class. As students walked into their respective rooms, the students of 1-A notice the two entering.

“And here comes Bakugou holding the door for his lady,” Kaminari spoke aloud.

“Hey man, they’re not dating, remember?” Sero reminded him.

“Yet. That’s the exciting part. 2 lovers, patiently waiting for each other. And Bakugou being so willing to drop everything just for Y/N, and Y/N willing to tussle through challenges for Bakugou. Ohh it’s so romantic!!” Mina said with a squeal and excitement.

“Bakubro really doesn’t want anyone else but her....they’re gonna get through this!” Kirishima hopefully said. “If they don’t I’ll beat his ass myself after all the shit I went through for this relationship. You know, THE RELATIONSHIP IM NOT EVEN IN!” He said loud enough for Bakugou to hear.

“Those idiots,” Bakugou growled. “CANT A GUY JUST SPEND SOME TIME WITH HIS GIRL WITHOUT SOME CRACKHEADS WHISPERING ABOUT US?!” He yelled at the group. But with that last comment, you raised your brow.

“So I’m your girl, huh?” You said with a sly demeanor.

This caused Katsuki to blush like crazy. “You know what I meant you little dumbass!”

“Yeah, I’m a dumbass. But apparently I’m your dumbass.” Your snide remarks were beginning to drive Katsuki crazy.

“Ok, that’s it!” With that, Bakugou grabbed your arm and dragged you away from the classroom before Mr. Aizawa came. As the 2 left the room, the boys of the Bakusquad knew exactly what was about to happen.

“Annnddd they’re they go. Off to a place of sweat and ecstasy.” Kaminari sighed.

Ever since that time in the classroom, you and Bakugou have had sneaky links here and there for the past few weeks. A little make out session in the kitchen, a little grinding in the common area, some receiving in many different places. However you were both cautious and made sure it never went beyond that. No vaginal penetration with a penis!

Though you both said you weren’t dating yet, it was obvious where you both would end up.

“What do you mean?” Mina asked.

“It’s nothing you have to worry about, just let them do them.” Kirishima explained.

Fortunately, only the Bakusquad boys were aware of these secret meetings. Once Bakugou told them of the classroom sex, they could tell whenever you two were interested in doing the deed with one another. They also steered clear from Bakugou’s desk. When they found out you both had gone to town on it, they made sure to never go near it unless they knew Bakugou cleaned it up thoroughly.

——————————————————————————

“Mm...Suki..” you breathed out in between the heated kiss.

Here we are in the storage closet. Y/N seated on top of a small standing shelf with Katsuki standing over her and his fist deep inside her.

Katsuki was in the process of marking your exposed breast and enjoying the feeling of your soft walls around his hand. He couldn’t help but speed up his movements.

“P-please....slow down-“ you were cut off by your own moan and cry of pleasure as his fist hit a sensitive area.

“Oh c’mon, you know you love it. You also know you shouldn’t have given all that sass. You knew exactly where it would lead ya,” he spoke as he continued to bite and suck at your nipples. “But I bet you wanted this, didn’t you. You little slut.”

His fist sped up even more and went deeper than before earning loud cries to leave your mouth.

“Ahh...fuck! Y-yes! I wanted this so bad...ohh shit Suki!” You cried out. You felt the coil in your stomach tighten and Katsuki knew what was coming right from the look on your face. He quickly pulled his fist out and dropped his head down to meet your glistening cunt, and continued to finish you off.

“Shit....you taste so sweet.” Katsuki couldnt help but eat you out as if you were his last meal. He groaned as your hands went to tug at his hair to push him in deeper. As he stuck his tongue out to enter inside you, your hips moved on their own and began to grind against his face.

“Yes...yess oh my god..just like that Suki please,”

Katsuki was desperate for more and so his hand went to your clit. He viciously rubbed at it until your legs began to shake.

“F-FUCK!... oh yess...ah!” You let out.

“Let me taste you....come inside my mouth like a good girl and let daddy taste you.” Katsuki demanded.

And you did just that. You released the white honey all on his tongue and Katsuki lapped at every drop, sucking you dry. As he finished his meal he kissed your cunt and continued to kiss you up your body from you stomach to your chest to your neck until he reached your lips. He gave you a passionate kiss, all tongue and love, and you could taste yourself. He was right. You were sweet.

——————————————————————————

During lunch, the Bakusquad, including Y/N, all ate together and had friendly conversations and arguments as usual.

“Man that steak hit the spot!” Kirishima exclaimed with a breath of satisfaction.

“I bet your already full too, huh Kacchan. Bet you already had your fill of Y/-“

*WHACK*

As the tray slowly slid off of Denki’s face after so rudely being thrown at him (curtousy of Sero) he was revealed to an angry Kacchan.

“Shut up dunce face!” Bakugou yelled.

“You’re one to talk Suki. If anyone should shut up, it should be the one with the booming voice.” You said as you ate your udon noodles.

“ME?!?” Bakugou exclaimed.

“Yes you ya dummy!” You retorted.

“You wanna go shitty woman?!?” Bakugou said while standing up now.

“Bring it on Blasty! I’ll take you on any day!” You replied while standing on top of your chair to beat his height.

‘Typical,’ the Bakusquad thought.

You guys would go from lovers to enemies in a split second with a besties vibe somewhere in between. The fun and teasing bickering went on like this for awhile and has been happening for awhile too. But at the end of the day, there was no real beef between you two of course. Just a mutual pining that involved some attitude.

“Man, you guys have so much energy. Cant you guys tone it down, we’re pretty sure you shouldn’t be so energized after you both just fu-“

*WHACK*

Sero was shut up with a tray (revenge from Denki) before he could finish his sentence and expose the soon to be lovers’s dirty secrets.

“I KNOW!” Mina popped up. “How about a beach day?” The pink alien girl suggested.

“Huh?” The entire group said while Y/N and Bakugou sat down again.

“A beach day! We all have pent up energy and some of us wanna relax so why not get everything out at the beach? Oou! And let’s go at night, it’ll be way cooler and so much more fun. Plus, that’s the best time for us to sneak out!” Pinkie explained.

“The hell do you mean sneak out dumbass? It’s a Friday, if we wanna go the beach, we can just go on Saturday, tomorrow.” Bakugou said.

“Jeez you moron, wheres the fun in that. Look this may seem a little wild since we’re hero trainees and all but how about we take a car to get to the beach?” Mina proposed.

“Mina, we’re under 18. We can’t drive.” Kirishima said.

“Legally. But Bakugou here knows how to drive! Remember that one time Mr. Aizawa made him pull the travel bus around the corner because he was too tired to bring it himself?” The alien girl reminded the group.

“Not only that, but Denki’s parents are outta town!” The girl added on.

“Oh yeah! We could totally take my Dad’s car! There’s definitely enough room in there!” Kaminari said.

The group was now starting to get excited. Except for one blonde of course.

“No way. Like you said Pinkie, we’re hero trainees. We can’t risk ruining ours or UA’s reputation just for some trip to the beach.” Bakugou said while downing his rice bowl.

“Aww c’mon man!”

“Whaaat but pleaseee!”

“Seriously dude?”

“Awwww :(“

The group all said in unison. But Bakugou wasn’t cracking. He wasn’t going to risk his career as a future pro just for a quick trip to some sand and sea.

That is until he felt a tugging on his sleeve. When he looked to his left he saw Y/N holding onto his sleeve with a pout and puppy dog eyes. His heart was about to blow.

“Please Suki?” You whined.

You basically embodied the “🥺” emoji. Bakugou had to turn away so he could deny your request.

“Mm mm” he said while staring out the window next to the table.

You let out a huff of frustration while looking towards your group of friends that were staring at you in desperation. You guys were going to get that beach day.

So you pulled onto Bakugou’s arm and pulled his side into your soft pillowy breast. You reached up and whispered into his ear to make sure no would could hear your next words. With a seductive voice, you spoke.

“Please daddy?”

——————————————————————————

And now here we are. The Bakusquad currently on a road trip to the beach at 9:45 p.m. Y/N riding shotgun, Mina and Kirishima in the seats behind you, Kaminari and Sero in the third row right infront of the trunk, and Bakugou behind the wheel. He was just thankful that there was almost nobody driving around here or else they would’ve noticed this young group of teens driving late at night. He was also very thankful that during lunch yesterday, nobody noticed his raging boner after Y/N whispered in his ear.

“Oh my gosh!! We’re almost there!” Mina squealed from behind.

Although it was almost 10, the weather was still really warm so it would be a fun night. Just the moon, the stars, the sand and sea, and your best friends. Perfection.

“Oh! Suki, you missed the turn for the shortcut.” You pointed out.

“No I didn’t dumbass, we’re taking another shortcut.” Bakugou replied.

“Umm, says who exactly?” You retorted.

“The one driving this damn car, now settle your fine ass down before I kiss you.” Bakubitch replied with.

“Ok, just because you add a little flirt and flare to your reply doesn’t mean your in the right.” You stated.

“Oh but I think it does.” Bakugou came back with.

“Oh! Okay Bakubitch, I don’t know who you think you’re getting smart with-“

“I know exactly who I’m getting smart with, teddy bear.” Katsuki said with a smirk on his face.

“.....Fight me. Fight me right now.” You deadpanned while obviously joking.

“I’ll beat your ass any day of the week you shitty woman-“

“Except you’ll LOSE Bakubitch.” You added.

“You wanna fight that bad, huh shitty woman?!” Bakugou now started yelling in a very Bakugou manner.

“I do! I really do Katsuki! Bring it on Explosion boy!” You said

As you and Bakugou started going at it with your words in the car, the squad was starting to get a little tired of this endless pining. JUST DATE EACH OTHER ALREADY. Mina finally snapped.

“OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT?.....I’m just gonna say it.” Mina started with.

‘Huh’ You looked behind you while Bakugou took glances from time to time in his mirror to see Mina as she spoke.

“Why don’t you cut the horse shit, and get to the part where you admit your feelings for each other?” She added on.

“WHAT?!”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh spare me, spare me, spare me!” Mina went on with. Then, Kirishima joined in.

“Yes yes Y/N, he’s a brute, I know-“

“Hey!” Bakugou interrupted but Kirishima just continued.

“He probably reminds you of a bad relationship and gosh you’d like a real nice man to settle down with,” he added on.

“But admit it! You’re real curious to know what he’s like in the sack nowadays!” Kaminari joined in.

“You idiots are dead meat,” Bakugou said.

“And you! HA!” Mina began to speak. “Well you’re just a big man baby who’d rather act tough then show his true feelings because the last time you opened your heart, you got hurt.....OWIE” Mina said in a baby voice.

“And now,” Sero began, “rather than admit these feelings, you’re dancing around one another with this mind numbing and frankly boorish mating ritual.”

Mina spoke once more.

“So PLEASE, for our sake, either quit your bickering, or PULL OVER, TEAR OFF THOSE CLOTHES, AND GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY!!!”

(Silence)

“Aye, I said what I said.” Mina concluded with her hands up at her side in defense.

As Bakugou and Y/N blushed ferociously, the squad behind them finally settled until Bakugou sped up, swerved the car and hit the brakes.....he was parking.

“Oh look, we’re here.” He said.

As he turned around to look at the group, he saw his friends all mixed up and thrown around the van.

“You guys good?” Y/N asked as she turned around in worry.

“Ugghhhhhh.” Her friends replied, clearly a little bruised.

“Alright then, let’s get going!” Y/N said with a sweet smile and exited the car.

——————————————————————————

After everyone had changed into their swim suits, everyone began setting up. The girls stayed behind with Denki to help set up the towels and seats and bring out the coolers, food, and tables. Bakugou, Kirishima, and Sero went out to collect firewood for the bond fire they were gonna make.

As you looked around the beach, you were glad that nobody was around. You guys could be as loud as you wanted, do what you wanted, and just have an awesome night. And the fact that this was a wild beach meant that there was so much more to do. You guys could go cliff diving, mountain climbing, or forest roaming. No lifeguards to stop you.

As the guys came back with fire wood, Mina and Denki pulled out the cooler.

“Hey guys~, guess what we have!” Mina said.

The group watched as Denki pulled out various beers, wine coolers, and a bottle of Hennessy and shot cups.

“Alcohol?” Kirishima asked, “where’d you guys get that.”

“We grabbed it outta my garage fridge. My family likes to turn up a lot so we also got some spares hanging around,” Kaminari explained.

You guys weren’t first time drinkers. You were high schoolers and you’ve been to parties so of course you guys have already had your first taste of alcohol. Hell, even Bakugou had some before. What can he say, he couldn’t help himself after he saw his friends seem to be enjoying themselves a little too much after getting drunk the first time.

As you started the fire with your quirk, everyone else began to get comfy near the blazing flame. Denki was the last to sit since he went to grab his acoustic guitar to play some tunes. When he finally sat down he began to sing a song.

“Let’s sit around the campfire and sing our campfire song! Our C-A-M-P—“

“NO!” The group all yelled.

“Oh alright!” The electric blonde huffed.

The group all laughed and Kaminari then began to play a chill melody on the instrument. The group was happy, laughing, enjoying themselves and having so much fun...well one of them did have something on their mind but nonetheless still enjoying themselves.

Faces were being stuffed with delicious food, alcohol was being passed around, rounds of shots were being downed like water, and everyone was having a good time. A little game of truth or dare started up and ended after Kaminari and Kirishima both threw up in separate bushes after being dared to kiss each other by Mina.

“Never again,” Kaminari said.

“Yeah I’m good with never having to get kisses from my bro again.” Kirishima sighed.

“Oh whatever you big wussies. It was a fun game while it lasted.”

Everyone laughed in agreement.

“Alright well,” Sero spoke, “we all came to the beach, why don’t we get to the main event. I’m gonna go for swim, you guys in?”

As everyone agreed they all started walking to the water. Well except for two people. As Y/N was walking to the shoreline, a hand stopped her as it grabbed onto her arm.

“You idiots go, me and Y/N are gonna join you later.” Bakugou said to the group and they all said their ok’s and went in. “You, come with me.”

As you and Bakugou walked back to the car, he asked you a question.

“So..you’re not drunk are you?” He asked precautiously.

“Just a little tipsy but I’m still in control. Still aware of everything, so no. I’m not drunk.” You answered.

“Ok cool.” He said as he got into the driver’s seat. Once you finally got in and buckled up, he drove off. In the middle of the drive, you asked him a question this time.

“Hey Suki? Where are we going?”

“I found a special place while I was looking for wood. I wanna show you.” He simply stated.

As he continued to drive off to wherever you rested your hand on the center between you and Bakugou and let your face sit in your right palm as you stared out the window. The songs playing throughout the car gave it a loving and chill vibe. You enjoyed the comfortable silence.

As you continued to stare off, you felt Bakugou’s hand intertwine with yours. You looked back and saw he was blushing while holding onto the steering wheel and staring at the road. Man, he was so hot. In nothing but his swimming trunks as he leaned into his chair and drove off. His defined abs and chiseled chest was definitely eye candy. His giant veiny hand gripped the wheel and his jaw was so sharp as he turned and looked around for other drivers. Yeah, Bakugou was definitely one of those people that looked attractive as hell when they began to drive. You looked down at your hands and squeezed his. You were really enjoying this car ride.

When the car came to a stop, you finally noticed how you were in the middle of the forest.

“Where are we Suki?” You asked him.

As he grabbed your hand he spoke, “just follow me teddy bear.”

You guys walked for what felt like a good thirty minutes until you came across.....a cave?

“I know it doesn’t seem like much but wait until you see the inside.” Bakugou said. As you walked in, you finally realized where he took you. A gorgeous crystal cave. Its colors were shining and its gems were sparkling. All the walls were covered except for the top where there seemed to be an opening. It was letting all the moonlight enter the cave causing the crystals to sparkle even more, including the giant pool of water at the center of the cave.

“Suki it’s beautiful,” you said in awe.

“Yeah, knew you’d like it,” He began.

You both sat down at the edge of the pool just dipping your legs in and enjoying each other’s company.

“Y/N.” Bakugou said.

“What’s up Suki?” You asked.

“I can’t help but keep thinking back to what Mina and the others said in the car.” He admitted.

“What? About pulling over and tearing off each other’s clothes?” You chuckled.

“No. About our feelings for each other.” Bakugou said as he just stared at the pool.

“Oh. That.” You calmly said with a hidden smile and soft blush.

Bakugou grabbed onto your hand before speaking again.

“Y/N I really, really, really, really, really love you....a lot. And I’m so sorry for everything I said and did,” Bakugou started.

“Suki....” you softly said while looking at him. You noticed he was staring down at your arm where your now tiny burn mark was. A scar that won’t be forgotten and a memory that was permanently burned into your skin. Literally.

You saw how Bakugou cringed at the sight of it.

“I am so, so sorry for everything. I don’t even know what I could say that could even make up for what I did. Every night memories of what happened keep coming back to me and I’m still in complete shock that I could even do that. To you of all people! The love of my life....I’m just really glad that you said you’d come back to me and that you gave me another chance to get close with you again. I know I said I would wait for you for as long as it takes but I don’t wanna wait anymor-“ Bakugou was cut off as you raised his head to give him a deep kiss. As he kissed you back, Bakugou put everything he couldn’t say as words into that kiss, hoping you’d understand.

When you finally pulled away, you leaned your forehead onto his while staring into his ruby eyes.

“I don’t want to wait anymore either, Suki.”

With that, Bakugou gave you the biggest smile you’ve ever seen. He pulled you in for another kiss and a tight hug.

“So....you’re mine again?” He asked.

“I was always yours Suki. You’re my one and only after all, right?” You teased.

“Right.” He proudly stated. Katsuki Bakugou finally got his girl back. He finally got his love of his life and his teddy bear. His world felt like it came back together again and he no longer felt lost.

After you both spent more time in the cave, exploring, finding all the gems, and enjoying your renewed and fixed love, you and Bakugou found yourselves back in the same spots you were sitting in when you first arrived.

With his eyes closed, chin resting on your head, and an arm wrapped around your waist, with you cuddled into his side and leaned onto his chest, you had a realization.

“Oh hey, Suki.” You said.

“What’s up teddy bear?” He asked with his eyes still closed.

“We never got to go swimming” you said with a pout.

As he opened one eye to look at you, he noticed your adorable pout and the simp in him came out along side with the devil.

“Alright then princess, let’s go for a swim. We have this crystal pool all to ourselves so why not?”

As you gleamed with excitement, you excitingly got up to jump into the water but before you could, Katsuki stopped you.

“Not so fast princess. Our little game of touch and tease is over now since your mine again. I wanna make up for lost time,” he said with a smirk.

“So you’re saying...?” Y/N asked confused.

“We’re going skinny dipping.”

At first it shocked you but then again, this is Katsuki we’re talking about. So you played his little game.

“Maybe your game of touch and tease is over but mine is still running.” You said with a smirk as you walk towards him. You placed your hand on his toned abs as you began speaking again.

“You wanna go skinny dipping Katsuki?” You then slowly went up to whisper in his ear.

“Then let’s get in daddy.”

As you walked away from him you started to undress yourself in a seductive manner. You started with your bikini top, pulled on the string to untie it and tossed it to the side. As you stepped to the pools edge, you did the same to your bikini bottoms and looked over at Katsuki. You didn’t fully face him as you spoke, but as you were holding up your chest pretending to cover yourself up, you showed just enough cleavage to get him riled up.

“You coming or not?” You teasingly asked before you stepped into the water letting its surprisingly warm temperature surrounded you. You had an idea and used your quirk to turn the pool into a hot spring. As the steam surrounded you, a blush from the heat began to show on your face and Bakugou couldnt hide his hard on inside his thin trunks. He undressed himself and entered the now spring.

A/N: YALL I DIDNT REALIZE HOW LONG THIS WAS SO THERE WILL BE A PART 4 COMING OUT RIGHT AFTER THIS ONE. I LITERALLY CANT TYPE ANY MORE SO STAY TUNED!!!

[thefanficmonster]

Oblivious

Valkyrae (Rae) x Reader (Gender Neutral) ft. Corpse Husband

Warnings: None

Genre: FLUFF, Humor, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: In the most desperate of times, we may or may not be used to hearing the phrase ‘Beggers can’t be choosers’ which is exactly why Y/N’s found themself asking the most hopeless of cases when it comes to love and romance - Corpse, for help.

Requested by Xara. Hi darling! Thank you so much for this wonderful request you’ve sent me - I love writing for Rae (excuse my bi excitement, I’m just a HUGE simp) and I can’t thank you enough for giving me the opportunity to do so. Sorry it’s been two months since you requested this but here it finally is and I hope it makes up for the wait. Love, Vy ❤

“Corpse, I’m in desperate need for help.“ I don’t even bother with a friendly or even polite greeting. Being best friends for as long as we have, Corpse and I excluded the politeness that comes with phone calls a long time ago, especially when calling with an emergency. Though, let’s be honest, if I’m calling him on the phone and not on video chat like I usually do, it is an emergency.

“Given that you’re asking me, I can imagine how desperate you are.“ He has the audacity to laugh in response, causing me to roll my eyes. 

Now, don’t get the wrong idea - I love Corpse with all my heart. Him and I have been through A LOT together considering we know each other since we were teenagers. However, there are some instances in life when he simply doesn’t get me. Not that he doesn’t try to, he does and does so very hard, but he rarely succeeds. Trying is what matters, of course. Given that he is my only close friend, I can only ever turn to him with my problems though I try my best not to bother him too much, but when things get REALLY tough, I can’t help but go and vent to him. Luckily, he’s always been very understanding, but it may be because he feels like he owes me for all the times he has turned to me with his problems. I’ve tried to explain that he shouldn’t feel such a way, but that’s rather hypocritical of me cause I feel the same way.

Alright, enough digressing, back on track!

“Desperate doesn’t even begin to summarize how I feel.“ I sigh, plopping down on the couch in my living room, kicking my feet up on the coffee table as I cover my eyes with my hand. “Brutally miserable is, I think, the correct term to use here.“

I hear Corpse let out a quiet ‘oof’, one I think he hoped I wouldn’t hear. “And what led you to finally give in and ask for help, not that I can offer you much?”

I can’t help but snort at that, a snort that serves as a replacement to slapping myself across the face. “Rae texted me yesterday asking if I’d like to play Minecraft with her and I took THREE HOURS to respond! Not on purpose, I just couldn’t think of something good to say!” I know I sound like a whiney kid, but I think I’ve passed that threshold LONG ago. Of course, this whiney kid version of me only surfaces around Corpse and Corpse only. No one else is allowed to see me like this or that would legit be the end of any sort of pride I may have left in me.

“You mean you couldn’t choose between ‘Sure, I’d like that!’ and ‘Of course, I’d love to!’? Please say yes.“ Corpse already sounds disappointed and he hasn’t even heard the worst of it yet.

“No and sit tight, it gets worse. I...“

He cuts me off, “Wait, no, don’t say it. Let me guess - you turned her down? Keep in mind if you say yes I’m hanging up on you.”

I remain silent, pinching the bridge of me nose and cringing as hard as my facial muscles are willing to allow. I can’t say yes, not cause he’ll hang up but because admitting it makes it more real, and the more real it is the more depressed it’ll make me and I will go back to being a self-deprecating mess that refuses to be productive or properly functioning - aka ‘Whiney Kid Maximum’.

“I’m hanging up.“ Corpse says after waiting five seconds for my response that only comes in the form of dead silence which is more than enough of an answer in and of itself.

“No, please don’t!“ I squeak out despite my agony, “I’ll never break the cycle if you don’t help me, Corpse! I’m a hopeless case!“

“You’re a hopeless case with or without me, Y/N.“ He states, angering me ever so slightly. “Not only cause you really are, but because I have nothing useful to offer you. Not even a single advice. Even if I did, giving it to you would by hypocritical when considered how bad I am on this field myself. Hell, the very person you’re head over heels for is my personal matchmaker. If anything, you should be asking her how to swoon her...“ He pauses.

So does my brain.

For a second we’re both quiet, the silence on the line suggesting big plans are being developed - well, not on my end but still.

“Now there’s an idea...“ He mutters more to himself than to me.

“No!“ I shriek fearfully, “Please, if you love me even the tiniest bit, Corpse, don’t put me in a situation where I have to be alone with Rae! Not IRL not in a Discord call - not in ANYTHING. I close up and end up seeming unfriendly and rude because of my inability to talk to her like a normal human being! I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just can’t do it! So please don’t make me.“

I maybe can’t read minds, but hell if I can’t at least have a rough guess of what’s on my best friend’s mind - I know he’s already scheming and coming up with odd solutions to my problem - some of which will cause me more problems but let’s not even mention those. That being said, I need to prevent him from actually carrying out any of his absurd schemes, otherwise it’s game over for me.

“Hmm, ok fine, but only cause I wanna spare you your own awkwardness. Consider it charity.“ He sighs, the disappointment even more evident now.

I sigh too, but I do so in defeated relief. It’s bittersweet, to be honest. “Thank you.”

“Don’t.“ He says sharply, “Don’t thank me. It’ll make me feel like I’m encouraging your behavior.“

Well, screw my feelings, I guess. I’m left on this battlefield alone, aren’t I?

Corpse hanging up the call confirms that I am, indeed, alone.

                                                             *  *  *

“Hello?“

“Are you still in bed, for the love of God? It’s noon!“ Not only did he have the audacity to wake me up with his phone call, but now he has the audacity to judge me on my sleeping habits as well. Some darn nerve he has.

“What do you want, Corpse?“ I grumble out, groggy and now grumpy too. The last thing I need is the only person I can turn to turning on me. Especially not now. I don’t need his or anybody else’s judgement of me or my life, it’ll hurt too much.

“I want to know how long you haven’t showered, Y/N.“ He barks back, causing me to roll my eyes. “And when’s the last time you actually ate something healthy and nutritious and not just greasy takeout?”

“I showered last night!“ I straighten up and frown, feeling offended despite his questions being justifiable. I think that’s exactly why I’m pissed off, to be honest - he knows me and my habits too well. “And you’re just being hypocritical on the eating part!“

“Whatever.“ He mutters, allowing me to feel at least a tiny sense of victory for having proven him wrong, “Get your ass up and come play Minecraft with me, you need to be cheered up asap.“ He continues, much to my dismay. “And don’t even think about saying ‘no’. If you do, just remember, I have your address and a strong will to kick your ass into shape.“

“Into shape? We’re going to the gym or something?“ I’m honestly confused and intrigued now. Maybe the gym isn’t such a bad idea, I’m sure I could become really good friends with the punching bag.

Corpse sighs exasperatedly in a way I can basically hear him roll his eyes as well, “Not that kind of shape, Y/N. Just get on Discord, seriously, I’m worried about you.“ 

That sentence strikes a nerve. Something about that genuine concern in his voice reminds me that I still need to move on from focusing so strongly on just my failures, no matter how big or small, and keep pushing forward, if not for myself then for the people who care about me. For Corpse especially, seeing as how he’s sort of been my babysitter ever since my feelings towards Rae started to consume me whole and suffocate me. I don’t know how or when it happened, in fact I can best describe it as the Titanic: I was doing ok and then instead of hitting an iceberg the iceberg of feelings hit me and I started sinking. Corpse was there to offer me a hand to help me keep at least my head above the surface. He can’t pull me out of the water but he’s not willing to let go either. I’m afraid holding on like that will tire him out to the point of letting go of me completely, but I’m afraid of sinking too. You see my dilemma here, no?

“Ok, give me twenty minutes.“

I would have probably continued sleeping or just chilled on social media, refusing to get out of bed for at least another hour, but the debt I feel towards Corpse is stronger than the desire to be a slob so I motivate myself with every power my fragile mind can fish out of the void and push the covers off me, shivering at the drastic change in temperature around my body now that I’m exposed to the rather cool air in my room, my pajamas hopeless at providing me with any warmth.

Twenty minutes later sharp, I’m seated at my desk, in front of my computer with my headphones on, taking one last encouraging breath before entering the call where Corpse is waiting for me.

“Yo.“ I greet him half-heartedly, drawing invisible abstract patterns on my desk with my finger as if I’m avoiding eye contact with him IRL.

“Glad to see you haven’t lost your sense of punctuality at least.“ He chuckles, sounding a lot more pleasant and a lot more like my friend Corpse and less like sergeant Corpse Husband who was speaking with me on the phone earlier.

“Very funny.“ I murmur in my now common brooding manner, “Anyway, enough about me, how are you doing? Anything interesting happen since we last spoke?“

“You mean in the past ten hours? No, nothing interesting apart from that I managed to catch a few z’s.“ He replies as I join the Minecraft server, managing to get a smile out of me.

“Hey, that’s nice to hear! Good for you, Corpsie.“ I say, honestly proud and happy for him.

“Yeah, and just so you’re not calling me hypocritical on the topic of eating, I’m currently cooking myself lunch.“ He points out, now just straight up peacocking, “On that note, I got a pot on the stove so you’ll have to excuse me for a sec.“

“Please go. Don’t set your apartment on fire the first time you cook” I snicker, leaning back in my chair and fetch my phone to kill the time while he’s gone to tend to whatever attempt at a meal he has prepping in his kitchen. I feel bad for his stomach, and his kitchen, already.

“Corpse? Hi!“

Oh no. No, no, no, no, no - tell me that was an auditory hallucination and I didn’t actually hear that just now! TELL ME!

“Rae?“ I blurt out, almost falling backwards out of my chair, eyes wide, jaw hanging slightly.

Just then I get a text from Corpse:

Consider me dead and carry the convo. I know you’ve got this, Y/N

Oh that prick is gonna get it!

“Y/N? Hi! Sorry, Corpse didn’t mention you’d be playing with us, but it’s so nice to be hearing from you! It feels like it’s been forever.“ Rae replies, cheery and enthusiastic as ever, just like the absolute sweetheart she is.

With Corpse absent from his position, without his metaphorical hand holding mine, I’m metaphorically sinking and drowning. Maybe the drowning part isn’t so metaphorical after all, considering I actually am drowning in all the thoughts produced by my mind at the moment. A mind that’s going completely haywire, might I add.

“Hehe, well, funny thing, he didn’t tell me you’d be playing with us either.“ I chuckle anxiously, already breaking out in a nervous sweat. I solemnly promise to kill Corpse first chance I get, that way he’ll at least be dead for real.

“He set us up, huh? What’s his game, where even is he?“ Rae asks, properly confused as she should be.

All on-point questions, hun. And I can’t answer any of them logically.

“Um, you know, he’s off doing...something.“ And there go my conversational skills out the window, I hope they send me a postcard one day.

“Whatever, enough about Mr. Ominous. Tell me, what’s been keeping you busy?“ Oh crap, this is the question I’ve been fearing. Mostly cause I’m not prepared for it. “Actually no, let me rephrase: Why have you been avoiding me recently?“

‘Oh crap’ squared. Tripled.

“Whaaat? Avoiding you? Where’d you get that idea?“ I’m aware of my high pitched voice, but it’s not like I can do much to tone it down. Every part of me is in critical panic mode and rationality has accompanied my aforementioned conversational skills out the window.

“I don’t know, Y/N. Ignoring my texts, leaving me on ‘Seen’ and then declining my offer just to accept the same one coming from Corpse - can’t really blame me for finding it shady.“ She replies, her words making me wince and hide my face in the palms of my hands as though it’ll shield me from Rae’s brutal honesty and forthrightness. 

“I’ve been...bad at replying to everyone lately, nothing personal, I swear.“ Yeah, that sounded convincing, good gosh-darn job, Y/N!

“Why’s that?“ Something about her tone suggest she knows I’m lying and is just humoring me and my agony. I don’t know if to thank her for it or wish she’d just rip off the band-aid and confront me head-on. In that case I’d have only one of two options: freeze up or spill my guts. Honestly, I don’t know which is worse. “I thought you’d reach out to me, given you’ve found yourself in a pickle.”

I frown, confused and wary like I’m walking on thin ice over a pool of sharks, “Pickle? What pickle?“

“Corpse mentioned you needed dating advice.“ She replies simply as though it should’ve been obvious and as if it’s the most casual, regular and normal thing. Little does she know...

“Um, yeah, I guess you can call it that.“ I murmur sheepishly, my cheeks reddening.

“Who’s the lucky girl?“ She asks, the excitement now replacing the previous suspicion she was fronting, making me nervous as hell.

My heart skips a beat, “How’d you know I’m crushing on a girl?“

“Uh...“ She stumbles over her words, pausing to collect her thoughts and formulate a response, “Corpse told me!“ When the reply finally arrives it’s as high pitched as mine was earlier, suggesting something ain’t right.

I stay quiet, my mind and heart racing which is quicker. My leg is bouncing, my fingers are tapping the keyboard rhythmically as I rack my brain, pushing it to put the pieces of this enigmatic puzzle together, connect the dots.

When it finally does, I’m left with a horrific end-result, a realization that makes me go pale as a ghost, “He told you who said girl is too, didn’t he?” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. I keep the tone low so she doesn’t notice how shaky it is.

It takes her a few seconds to reply, but when she does I kinda wish she hadn’t, “Maybe...”

My first instinct is to excuse myself from the call, pack all my kitchen knives and drive to Corpse’s house but with my limbs having lost any and all feeling in them that is practically impossible. So, I settle for my second instinct which is hiding my face in the palms of my hands as though they can shield me from the immense embarrassment Corpse has set me up for.

“Listen...“ I start, not sure where I wanna go with this, “You don’t have to say anything, I get the hint. No need to bother with a gentle reje-“

“I like you too, Y/N!“ Rae cuts off my rambling with a melodic laugh, “I’m sorry, but you can be very oblivious sometimes, and I just wanted to give you a taste of your own medicine for a bit. Sorry if I freaked you out.“ Judging by her tone, she’s not sorry at all. In fact, she’s one step away from bursting out into laughter.

“Trust me, ‘freaked out’ doesn’t even begin to describe it.“ I sigh, exasperatedly, sinking into my chair alike a deflated balloon. “You and Corpse are gonna pay for that heart attack you led me to the brink of!”

This time, she doesn’t hold back, letting out the laughter she’s been holding back this whole time, “I don’t know how Corpse will do that, but could I pay my dues with a brunch on Friday?”

My eyebrows shoot up, “Miss Valkyrae, is this you asking me out on a date?“ I ask teasingly - aka with more confidence than I feel.

Please say ‘yes’. Please say ‘yes’. Please say ‘yes’.

“I don’t know, what do you think, Y/N?“ She asks, tone just as teasing as mine.

“Hey, I’m not as oblivious as you claim I am!“ I argue light-heartedly, “Does 2PM work for you?“

“Any time works for me.“ Rae replies, a smile blatantly evident in her voice. A smile that unleashes a flock of butterflies in my stomach.

And just like that, I have a date with the girl I’ve had a crush on for the longest time. It happened so fast it’s practically a blurred part in my mind, but one thing I’m sure will be crystal-clearly imbedded in my mind forever is that brunch on Friday. Just then, I get yet another text from Mr. Schemer himself.

That wasn’t so hard now, was it?

Some nerve he has, I swear to God.

[princessphilly]

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Word Count: 5118

CW: angst, smut but not super filthy smut (medium filth?), bad language

Dress and shoes that Nina wore in this chapter

Join the tag list here!

Only three more chapters and an epilogue left

Nina fidgeted as dug into her pocketbook for her keys to her parents’ house. It was time for Sunday dinner, the one meal a week that she wasn’t responsible for cooking and therefore, Nina never missed it. Cooking was not her forte and Nina had no problems with that. However, this Sunday dinner, she needed to talk to her family about their lives changing.

The smell of roast chicken filled the house and Nina took a deep sniff as she opened and closed the door. Aryanna and Dad were watching the late game aka hate-watching the Ravens vs Saints. The Steelers were playing on Monday night this week. 

“Heey sweettart,” Vernon said, getting up to give his oldest daughter a hug. 

Nina hugged her father back, holding him close for a second. “Hi Dad.”

“Oh no!”

Nina ended the hug, turning with her father towards the tv. Lamar Jackson had just run for a 20-yard touchdown. They all groaned; the Steelers needed the Ravens to lose as both teams were running neck to neck for the AFC North crown. As Nina got absorbed into the game, the situation with Sidney was still in the back of her mind. 

Nina had talked to her mom earlier in the day, explaining everything to her mother, well everything but the sex. Tracey had listened with an open ear before telling her daughter not to make a decision over her potential happiness just because of how it could affect her family. Tracey had reminded Nina that Jason, while he was at UNC now, had been a 5-star tight end prospect and they dealt with the media when it was time for him to sign with a college. 

After talking to her mom, Nina had taken a nap before coming to sunday dinner. As she watched the game, waiting to eat, Nina hoped for courage. However, she kept it to herself when it was time to eat, instead listening to Aryanna talk about school, her dad talk about his new position at work which meant that he wasn’t going to be going out on the road as much anymore. Nina shared some stories about her clients while Tracey talked about the switch to travel nursing over working in the hospital. But when it was over, Nina gulped and summoned her courage.

“So, I got news,” Nina started once dinner was over and dessert was served. She looked down at her glass of water. Before she could continue, Aryanna piped up. “Let me guess, you’re breaking up with Sidney Crosby because you’re a punk.”

“Aryanna!” 

Nina glared at her little sister while Tracey reprimanded, “That was rude, little girl.”

“Sorry,” Aryanna muttered.

“Anyway, before I was rudely interrupted,” Nina said, “I have news. After thinking about it, talking to Sidney, and going over the pros and cons, I’ve decided to give him another chance.”

Tracey smiled as Aryanna shouted yes. Vernon looked at his daughter and carefully said, “Are you ready for it?”

Nina grimaced. “As ready as I can possibly. Are y’all?”

“We only want you to be happy, sweetie,” Tracey consoled. “Plus, I saw those pics of you two. He’s smitten.”

Nina groaned while Aryanna laughed. Vernon added, “We were already planning to move soon anyway. We’ve been looking at homes in South HIlls and we just closed on a house in Mt. Lebanon.”

“Oh wow. When was I going to find out,” Nina said with a smirk. She knew her parents had been thinking of moving for a while but the market had been super hot for a long time. Before she had moved into her current apartment, Nina had heard of the different arguments her parents had about moving to different areas. But before they could find somewhere, someone else would snap it up.

Tracey grinned. “We weren’t going to say anything until we closed because of how long it took to find somewhere. It’s taken almost two years and we even saved enough to offer forty percent as a down payment. It’s a fixer-upper though but it has a bigger backyard for my garden and the schools are better.”

“What are you going to do with this house,” Nina asked before taking a bite of her sweet potato pie. Fuck, she wished she could bake and cook just so she could make herself sweet potato pie all of the time. 

Vernon replied, “Probably sell. There are people looking to buy even though this area isn’t that great. ”

“I guess it’s settled. This is exciting though.”

Tracey snickered before looking at her husband. “I hope you are still excited when we need you to help pack, Ni-ni.”

Nina looked to her right before taking out her phone and sending a quick message. Free monday? 12pm?

She received a quick response. Yup, just tell me where to meet

Vernon casually commented, “I’m also looking at it this way; this is a practice for when Jason is in the NFL and becomes famous.”

“Good point,” Tracey said. “I can start practicing telling people no even more now.”

Nina laughed. “Looks like I have nothing to worry about then.”

The conversation switched to the Steelers game tomorrow night as they finished dessert.

**

Honestly, Sidney was a bit surprised to get a message from Nina so quickly. He had fully expected her to wait until Wednesday and he had been preparing himself for the worst possible outcome. As a competitor, prepping for each game meant learning his opponents’ strengths and weaknesses. Nina wasn’t his opponent but Sidney was now very aware of the power she had over him with just one look, let alone her touch or words. 

Nina had asked to meet somewhere that wasn’t at their homes. Sidney suggested lunch but after looking at his schedule, he asked if Nina could maybe meet him at the Pens offices and then get lunch after. Fidgeting in the smaller conference room, Sidney began to worry that Nina wouldn’t show up when the clock showed that it was already five minutes past the time they agreed to. But then, Nina wasn’t the most on time person either so Sidney rationalized to himself, he should worry if it was fifteen minutes passed and she still wasn’t here. 

Then outside the door, Sidney saw Nina talking with Evelyn, one of their PR mavens. They were having an animated discussion and Sidney smiled softly. Nina opened the door and grinned at him. “Hi Sid, sorry for being late.”

Evelyn waved at Sidney and he waved back. After Nina walked in, Evelyn peeped in and said, “I was just catching up with Nina since it’s been a while since she’s been here.”

Sidney nodded as Nina replied, “thank you so much for the advice, Evelyn, I will definitely use it!”

Evelyn waved goodbye before closing the door firmly. Nina chose a chair directly across from Sidney and sat down. There was a brief pause before Nina giggled. “Oh my God, you looked like you were about to die before I showed up.”

“Well, I had to remind myself that you’d show up but part of me still was worried because of everything in our last conversations,” Sidney replied. 

The aura in the room turned serious as Nina bit her lip and folded her hands together. “Yeah, those conversations,” Nina started. “I like you a lot, Sidney Crosby, but… I hate this circus that surrounds you. I know that it’s something you can’t control but I hate it. But I realized, especially after talking to my mom, there’s nothing I can do about it now. My life’s forever changed.”

Sidney cleared his throat but Nina stopped him. “Let me finish, Sid because I can already tell you’re ready to make promises you can’t keep. So let me save both of us the headache.”

Sitting back, Sidney leaned in his chair. “What are your plans, pretty girl?”

“You have to get over being super private and claim me publicly. You want me to be yours, Mr. Crosby? Then you have to let the world know we are together. No are they or aren’t they bullshit.”

Nina glared at Sidney when she was done. Sidney flushed; part of him hated the idea of letting the world know more than they really needed to know about his personal life. At the same time, he already knew he was going to do whatever Nina asked him to, in his own way. “You know I don’t use social media,” Sidney began before trailing off. Then he smirked. 

Nina casually said, “you’ll find a way.”

“I already figured it out,” Sidney drawled. “What else do you want, pretty girl?”

“No more surprise meet ups with people from the team, let me know ahead of time. Just like I’ll let you know ahead of time whenever I decide you should meet my fam.”

Sidney actually blushed while Nina arched an eyebrow. “I know I’m amazing but that was a bit uncomfortable when I think back. At least you didn’t abandon me to talk to your teammates and let me fend for myself.”

“I’m sorry, Nina,” Sidney apologized. He felt really bad now: he had been so excited that he really didn’t think about how Nina would have felt. Nina shrugged; it wasn’t that bad to be honest because Sidney stayed at her side, introduced her to everyone, and made sure she was included. But that didn’t mean she wanted him to continue doing that. 

Nina smiled at Sidney and asked, “what do you think, Sid?”

Sidney scratched his jaw as he thought of his reply. It was relatively simple but it would also be life-changing for him. He finally said, “Yes, it all sounds good. But I have one thing?”

“What’s that?”

Sidney smirked as he looked Nina up and down. Nina rolled her eyes as she smiled. She could guess where his mind was, right in the gutter. But Sidney surprised her when he said, “Then let me spoil you.  I have no problem claiming you publicly, but I want you to let me treat you like I’ve been wanting to treat you.”

Nina gave Sidney a bashful smile before looking to the side. “I’ll never say no to purses and shoes but I don’t want you to buy out the store-“

“I already know that, sweetheart,” Sidney firmly said, “but let me treat you like you deserve.”

“Okay, okay,” Nina conceded.

Sidney pushed his chair back, making space. Then he patted his lap. “Come ‘ere.”

Nina got out of her chair and sat on Sidney’s lap. “You know where we are,” she hissed even though she had obeyed him. 

Wrapping an arm around her waist, Sidney smiled. Smelling her coconut-vanilla scent, he realized how much he had missed her. “I know, I’m not going to do anything inappropriate, pretty girl. Just missed having you close to me.”

Sidney kissed the back of Nina’s neck, causing her to shiver. “Watch the postgame of our next game, Nina. Now, what do you want for lunch?”

“Um, honestly, I want Chipotle. I have to get back to work in about an hour so nothing fancy,” Nina replied. 

Turning so that she was facing Sidney, she placed her index finger over his lips when he opened his mouth. “I forgot to add this earlier but I’m also going to say this now. I’m not quitting my job anytime soon. I’m going to finish my Ph.D. and if I decide to stop working, it’s because I plan to teach full-time. So, if you expect I’ll be waiting at home and living for you, now you know that’s not going to happen,” Nina stated. 

Sidney opened his mouth to reply but the door opened. “Hey, I’ve been looking for you, Sidney!”

Nina squeaked in surprise and Sidney sighed. It was Brian Burke and Sidney was sure that it was probably something important but this wasn’t quite the moment where he wanted to see him. 

Brian smiled. “It looks like you two have made up.”

Nina weakly waved. At first, she was going to move off of Sidney’s lap but his hand around her waist made that impossible. “I’d introduce myself but I figure I interrupted,” Brian continued. 

“It’s okay, I was on my way to get lunch,” Nina replied. 

Sidney added, “With me.”

“Don’t forget, you said you wanted to help with more planning for our pride game this season,” Brian reminded Sidney.

“Ohh, the pride game! You’re getting more involved in it? That’s awesome,” Nina exclaimed. 

Sidney blushed as he smiled under Nina’s praise. 

“Would you be interested in being involved, Nina,” Brian asked.

Nina paused for a second, her eyes wide. “Um, sure.”

“I can get your contact information from Sidney,” Brian asked.

Nina nodded as Sidney rubbed his hand up and down her back. Sidney said, “I’ll let you know,” as Brian closed the door. 

Placing a hand over her face, Nina sighed. “Wow.”

“It’s fine. Look, your first volunteer project,” Sidney kidded. 

“I need to eat.”

**

The game against the Isles had gone well. Sidney had tallied two assists and a goal in a 4-2 win after having a four game slump. Normally post-game interviews were a necessary evil but he was a bit nervous this time. Not because he knew they were going to ask about getting out of his slump, but because of what he was going to say. 

The first couple of questions were easy softballs. Then Sidney was hit with the question that opened the door. 

“Sidney, great breaking your slump. There were rumors that your personal life was affecting your game on the ice. What do you think about that?”

Sidney looked at the reporters, all ready for him to give a cliche. Instead, Sidney admitted the truth. “My personal life was affecting my game on the ice. But we’ve fixed our issues and I’m glad.”

There was a pause, as if the reporters didn’t know where to start. Sidney looked at one of the PR interns to the side. The intern gave him a slight smile and a quick thumbs up. Sidney decided to continue, “We prefer to keep our relationship private for now but she means a lot to me and is very important to my life. I will not be answering any more questions about my relationship at this moment.”

Luckily, the rest of the questions were about hockey but Sidney knew that his statement was going to be a big part of what everyone was going to talk about. Once back in the locker room, Geno gave Sidney a big grin. Tanger said, “You did it?”

“Yeah but I’m serious, I’m not going to answer a bunch of questions about my personal life,” Sidney replied. “Now though, every time we struggle, the dumbasses will start talking about it.”

Tanger grimaced as Geno said, “Fuck them.”

Guentzy laughed as he stated, “I agree with Geno. Fuck them.”

Sidney laughed as he pulled his shirt off before pulling off his pads. Sitting in his crocs, hockey pants and pads, Sidney pulled out his phone. There was just one message from the only person who’s opinion mattered to him, wow😍 .

Sidney replied back, made it official for u but in the way u wanted 😁😏

😘🥰 part of me can’t believe it but i’m happy u listened to me, was Nina’s reply. 

Sidney texted, only 4 u, before finishing getting undressed so he could take a shower.

**

To be totally honest, Nina thought her life would have exploded the minute that Sidney admitted that he was seeing someone in the post-game conference after the Isles game. It wouldn’t take much to put 2 and 2 together, especially when she went out with Sidney and the Malkins to a popular Shadyside restaurant the day after. But things were relatively calmer. 

There were still the nasty looks from other people, especially women when Nina was out by herself, running her everyday errands. But there were also people who seemed to defer to her and it felt so fucking weird. Like, if she wanted to, Nina felt like people were ready to let her do whatever she wanted because she was now Sidney Crosby’s girlfriend. 

Nina bit her lip as she waited in line to pay for her groceries. Then someone bumped into her and it was Ron. “Hey Nina, long time no see.”

“Hi Ron,” Nina replied with a strained smile. 

“Not everyday one sees their ex. Look at you, shopping like the rest of us. Your man ain’t ordering groceries for you.”

Nina resisted the urge to roll her eyes. She could feel the eyes of other people at Weis and she knew there were people looking for something to gossip about. Nina definitely didn’t want to give Ron the satisfaction of a reaction. She merely replied, “I have my own life I have to take care of on my own.”

“Oh wow, because I remember the way you two were looking at each other that time we went out on a date. Makes me think you were cheating on me with him,” Ron goaded. 

Nina gave him a blank look. “We were long over, for almost three years, before I went out with Sidney. But you had two other women when we were a couple,” Nina stated with a shrug. “Anyway, it’s my turn to check out. Bye.”

Nina tuned Ron out as she checked out. The cashier commented, “That guy seems like a dick.”

“You live and you learn,” Nina replied with a smile as she paid, unaware that someone had uploaded video of that encounter to the internet.

**

Sidney gulped down his protein shake, home after practice. The season was starting well but he felt like the team could be better. Sidney wanted another cup, one more cup and he felt like this was the year. Then his phone buzzed and he saw it was his mom.

“Hi Mom,” Sidney said, sitting on his sofa. He had some time before he needed to get ready for tonight and it was always good to talk to his mother.

Trina chirped, “Hi Sidney, how are you?”

“I’m doing good, short practice today before our game against New Jersey tomorrow,” Sidney idly replied as he turned his tv on. Flipping through Netflix, he chose an episode of How I Met Your Mother. 

He could hear his mother’s smile through the phone when she teased, “Your father told me you told the press that you are seeing someone last week. Is it that girl you kept talking about over the years?”

Sidney giggle-honked before admitting, “Yes, it is. I’m finally dating Nina.”

“Are you sure it’s a good idea? This is something totally different for you,” Trina asked, concerned. Her son had a relationship with Kathy but this situation with this new girl was something totally different. Part of her was worried that since Sidney had wanted this girl for so long, that he was diving into this without really thinking about it.

Sidney replied, “You sound like Nina.”

“Hmm, I do?”

“Yep, Mom, you did,” Sidney said, “Nina wasn’t sure if it was a good idea for a long time but I managed to convince her it was.”

Trina was still feeling skeptical. From what she knew, this girl was from the area, a fan of the team, a different race, and had worked for the team for a period of time. It was possible she could be playing the long game. “Is she there with you now?”

Knowing her son, Trina was convinced that Nina was already living with her son. Her son, when he decided he wanted something, went all out to get it. She was surprised when Sidney said, “No, she’s at work, then she has class.”

“Class,” Trina asked, her tone perking up. This sounded interesting. 

Sidney informed his mother, “Nina decided to get a PhD in rehabilitation science this year. She works as a physical therapist.”

“That sounds interesting, isn’t that how you met her,” Trina idly said. The door opened and Troy stepped in. Trina put her finger to her mouth to shush her husband. 

Sidney scratched his head, wondering where his mother was going with these questions. “Yes. Nina works somewhere else totally different now. But she’s looking into becoming a professor after guest lecturing at, I think, Pitt.”

Trina raised her eyebrows. That was interesting information. Switching the conversation to more mundane subjects, Trina filed that information in the back of her head. It sounded like this Nina was a bit more well-rounded than she thought. 

Sidney sighed when he hung up on his mother. That conversation felt like one thing but he could sense there was another undercurrent. Then he received a picture message from Nina and his mind went straight to the gutter. Sidney sighed; it was going to be a long night.

**

“You look very nice.”

Nina smiled as she replied, “Thank you,” to the guest. 

It was kind of last minute, this dinner that Nina found herself invited to. It was thrown by Nathalie and most of the top brass of the Penguins were here as well as Sidney, the Letangs, and the Malkins. Because Sidney had gone public with their relationship, Nina had found herself suddenly invited. Luckily for her, Nina already had an appropriate cocktail dress for the occasion. 

Her dress was black with an asymmetrical one shoulder with a bow but it came to just above knee level. Nina’s heels were gold, an impulse purchase several months ago that she was happy to have. The outfit was classy, understated, and definitely Penguins colors. 

Sidney seemed to like it as well from the way his arm stayed possessively around Nina’s waist whenever possible. At least it wasn’t a public event; the possessiveness would have looked bad. But because it was informal and in a private room at PPG arena, Sidney was able to get away with it. 

The length was a blessing and a curse. A blessing that it meant that Sidney couldn’t try to do any funny business during dinner but a curse in that the more he touched her, the more Nina wanted him. By the end of the night, it was obvious that Sidney was getting close to losing his cool and Nina was loving it. 

As soon as they got into the car at the end of the night, Sidney pounced. His lips touched hers, demanding and devouring as he kissed her. Then abruptly, Sidney let go. “You'd been torturing me all night in that little black dress. So sexy, the way it showed off my pretty girl’s body.”

Sidney already knew that Nina was perfect in every way anyway. However, as soon as he saw her step in with that black dress and gold heels, it took every ounce of media training and self-control for Sidney not to strip it off of her and fuck her right there. Right now, he was glad that he hired a car after this event. 

Sidney didn’t even do anything in the car other than keep his hand on Nina’s thigh. The difference was that he told Nina every filthy thing he planned to do to her once he got her home. Nina wiggled on the seat, her legs shifting as Sidney whispered what he planned to do to her. It was insane, what he could do to her with his words. 

Nina had expected Sidney to push her against the wall when they got back to his place but instead, he just guided Nina to the kitchen before taking out two glasses. Picking out a wine, Sidney poured two glasses. 

“I’ve missed you in my bed but I’m patient,” Sidney stated, his hands palming Nina’s ass before giving both cheeks a smack. Then Sidney picked up the glasses of wine and passed one to Nina.

Nina smirked. “I’m not,” she said as she took a sip. 

“Can’t be patient for me, pretty girl?”

Nina shrugged as she took another sip. Then she delicately licked a drop that was on her lower lip, causing Sidney to visibly grunt and shudder. “Maybe,” Nina finally replied. 

“Good.”

Sidney sat down in a chair and patted his lap. Nina sat on his lap, the hem of her dress riding up. “Did you have a good time?”

“I actually did for something that was pretty last minute. Don’t ask me if I remember everyone’s name yet.”

“That’s okay,” Sidney reassured Nina. “No one expects you to remember everyone, yet.”

Nina snorted before taking another sip of her wine. Idly, Sidney added, “Fuck, I love this dress.”

“Maybe if you move your hands higher underneath it, you’ll get a surprise,” Nina taunted. Licking her lips, she winked.

Unable to resist a challenge, Sidney moved his hand higher and higher. Then he whistled when he realized Nina’s surprise. “You went commando all night and didn’t tell me?”

“I’m lucky this dress was lined so well that no one could tell,” Nina admitted. “But it was worth it.”

“How,” Sidney asked as his hand touched Nina’s pussy. She was already wet.

Nina smirked. “Because I knew if you found out tonight, the look on your face would have been priceless.”

Sidney ignored that statement as he stroked Nina’s core with his fingers. Rolling her clit with his fingers, Sidney hissed at the idea that Nina was here, with him tonight. His pretty girl, perfect in his lap. "I love how wet you get for me, pretty girl."

"Only for you, daddy," Nina moaned as she clutched his shoulders. Sidney growled at her words, her pussy clenching harder on his fingers. 

Suddenly, Sidney picked Nina up and placed her on the table. Nina smiled as she hiked up her dress and spread her legs. Sidney licked his lips. “We’re gonna see how many times you cum for me tonight, pretty girl.”

“Fuck, I can’t wait,” Nina moaned as his mouth met her core.

**

Sidney woke, at first disoriented because someone else was in his bed and curled up on top of him. Then he realized it was Nina and he relaxed. Her head was on top of his chest, one arm on him as she slept on her side. Carefully extracting himself, Sidney went to the bathroom. After relieving himself, he watched Nina continue to sleep, now curled into herself. Sidney took a quick picture, it was so cute. However, after taking the picture, he checked his messages. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he chanted.

Nina opened her eyes slowly, her body deliciously sore after last night. Stretching out her arms, she sleepily asked, “What’s wrong, Sid?”

“Seems like someone has something against you, pretty girl,” Sidney said, suppressing his fury. 

Nina’s eyes snapped open, sleep now forgotten. Sitting up, she queried, “What happened?”

“There's a video of you with some guy at a market.”

Grimacing, Nina sighed. “I ran into Ron while getting groceries. He was being a jagoff asshole.”

“You don’t look bad at all, PR thinks you handled it perfectly.”

Nina got off the bed and walked over to Sidney. Wrapping her arms around him, she pleaded, “Fuck him and fuck whoever took video.”

Snuggling into Sidney’s chest, Nina nipped one of his nipples. “Plot your revenge later, Sid. It’s eight am and I know you have a maintenance day today. Come back to bed.”

“‘Come back to bed?’ You know this is my bed,” Sidney joked. His anger was going away each second that Nina was pressed against him, her lips giving him little kisses and bites on his upper body. 

Nina looked up at Sidney, giving him soulful eyes. “Please, daddy?”

Trailing her hands around his neck, Nina murmured, “I’ve been so good. Please?”

“Fuck, how can I say no,” Sidney groaned as Nina giggled. Picking her up, he tossed her on the bed. 

Scooting back, Nina spread her legs as Sidney settled in the middle of them. “I love the way you fuck me, Sidney.”

Sidney smirked, his brown eyes smoldering as he crouched over Nina. “Oh do you?”

“Yes, I do,” Nina hummed, her fingers tugging on his chain. “You should do it again.”

Sidney settled between Nina’s thighs, pulling her legs around his waist. His lips lowered to hers in a gentle kiss. Slow and drugging, enough to make both of them red hot for each other, full of promise. Pulling away, Sidney nipped Nina’s lower lip. Nina sucked her lip into her mouth, her brown eyes meeting Sidney’s. Cupping Nina’s chin, Sidney reminded her, “How do you ask, pretty girl?”

“Please fuck me, daddy,” Nina asked, her body arching towards his. “Make me yours.”

“Good girl.”

**

Nina tried hard not to feel self-conscious as she made her way to the ice-level with Aryanna, Catherine and her children, and Anna with Nikita. It had been a week since that awful article with video from her interaction with Ron. It had been set up to make Nina look like a gold digging whore and it hurt to have guys, guys she had only gone out with once or twice, say things that made her seem horrible. Nina hadn’t admitted that part to Sid when he was in a fury about it. Lauren had reminded Nina that men tend to be assholes about women that they couldn’t have and that Nina was way beyond their level even before her current relationship. 

Even though Nina had distracted Sidney that morning, by the afternoon, that article was off the internet. A radio host had mentioned it and then within an hour, issued an apology for talking about it. However, it was forgotten pretty quickly as more people cared about the Steelers potentially staying undefeated with a game coming up against the Browns.

Nina smiled as they reached the ice. The team was doing warm-ups and Sidney was in the midst of his pregame rituals. She actually had more enjoyment from watching Aryanna react to watching the guys on the ice. Tanev gave the glass near them an ice shower while Geno and Kris had greeted Nina and Aryanna while saying hi to their families. Then, very unexpectedly, Sidney broke one of his traditions and came over. Giving the glass a small shower, Sidney waved at Aryanna before smirking at Nina. Nina smirked back before giving Sid a little wave. 

As people took pictures of Sid waving to her, Nina smiled. She could live with this, maybe. ‘No, that was a lie’, Nina thought as they made their way to the family box. She was going to have to live with this now, it was too far gone to go back. And she didn’t want to.

[let-them-read-fics]

Youth With You

Pairing: Lisa x Fem!Reader

Word Count: ~ 3,113

HC Count: 31

This is a mix between headcanons and a one shot

Warnings / Misc. -- Fluff, Little Hot & Heavy, (Public) Teasing, Happy Ending

Disclaimer: This writing is a work of fiction, and no disrespect is meant for those mentioned herein.

A/N: Hey everyone! Here’s my first writing for Lisa; I’m pretty proud of it! Feel free to let me know what you think. Happy reading, I hope you enjoy!

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

Becoming a new trainee was terrifying in every sense of the word. The media, the practices, the tests -- everything. 3 months into your coaching, however, things hit an all time high: you gained the opportunity to enter the competition Youth With You, as an independent trainee. Your freedom and right to expression was important to you, so it wasn’t an accident that you were going in independently. A company would only put pressure and bans on you, restricting your creativity and keeping you from being your most authentic self.

Finding out that Lisa was a mentor only made your nerves worse; at the same time, though, you’d never been more excited for something in your whole life.

Having friends in the industry proved to be an important factor as you prepped for the show. Producers and managers gave you advice, knowing exactly what each of the teachers looked for and demanded from their groups. You worked tirelessly to ready yourself for the whirlwind that was sure to come.

When you arrive at the production building, you’re in awe; the interior is ginormous, with insanely high ceilings and huge doors. Everything is coated in various colors, all of them pristine and beautiful. The labyrinth of halls that winds throughout the building before you is quite intimidating, but you take a deep breath and remind yourself of your reasons for being here. It’s far too important to chicken out now.

The staff had tipped you off to the fact that the mentors would be there today, but they neglected to tell you when. You had surely expected them to come in after everyone got settled. Alas, you were sorely mistaken; thus, you can imagine the surprise that etched into your features upon entering the main room.

Ella and Kun were invested in their papers, flipping through the stacks and whispering to each other; Jony J was turned to his right, chatting with Lisa. Your presence was announced by the rather loud thud that echoed through the room at the closing of the door.

The bright lights nearly blinded you as you turned to face them again, dread creeping into your mind.

“Hello everyone, I’m Y/N. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” The words came out cooler that you had expected, and you patted yourself on the back for remaining so calm. You’re known for managing to hide your nerves well and remain professional, but that’s no easy task with this group of talent. Especially her.

You purposefully tried to avoid looking at her, knowing you’d blush and get majorly sidetracked. You feared you wouldn’t be able to recover from that.

“I see that you’re an independent trainee,” Kun said, a smile spreading across his lips. You swallowed at the sight, knowing the questions were about to come rolling in. “Yes, that’s correct. I prefer working alone; I only have to rely on myself.” He studies you, head tilted to the side as he considers your answer, and you nearly melt under his astute gaze. “I was the same way. It’s never easy, but the mentors and I will be right beside you during your time here.” Knowing that these 4 amazing people were here to share their experiences and guide you through your troubles made the task at hand much less daunting, and you couldn’t help but smile at the thought. Despite the intensity of the competition, you felt at ease, knowing they genuinely want the best for you.

“Ah, look at that face! So cute,” Ella coos, grinning back. You hide your face behind your hands, embarrassed beyond belief. Everyone chuckles at the sight, and you join in. With the atmosphere officially comfortable, you allow your eyes to trail over to Lisa. To your surprise, she’s already looking at you, lip between her teeth. 

“I see that you have 2 special talents listed.” Lisa starts, leaving room for you to elaborate. “Yes ma’am. While studying abroad in my youth, I learned 3 languages in addition to my native English.” The mentors look pleasantly surprised, and you continue with your other skill. “My mother is a professional chef, and we’ve always been close. She’s trained me over the years, and that’s something I’m very thankful for. During my time away from home I was fortunate enough to learn new techniques and styles from across the world.”

As you finish talking about yourself, you look to each and every one of the judges separately. You know it’s important to have a good connection with all of them, and you use this chance to do just that.

Upon locking eyes with Lisa again, your breath hitches. The light blush that rests on her cheeks, combined with the look she’s giving you, is enough to make you swoon. It’s innocent enough, the way she’s watching you; after all, she can just blame it on her role as a teacher -- she has to get a good understanding of her students. However, though, behind the innocent facade lies a much more sensual reason for her behavior. You don’t miss the way her eyes rake up your body, nor her smirk as she notices your hands mindlessly toying with the band of your shorts. You do your best to keep your attention on the others as they ask you questions about your resume, but that’s easier said than done.

Once they’ve finished with their questions, they invite you to take a seat anywhere you’d like. Despite your desire to book it next to Lisa, you don’t want to be impolite; that’s also not to say that you didn’t enjoy the company of the others -- you truly did. Clearly, though, no one can compare to Lisa.

You give them all another smile, the dimples of your cheeks on full display, and approach them one-by-one to shake their hands. They appreciate the gesture, and you’re confident that you’ve won them over that much more.

As you make your way to the seat beside Lisa, your heart beats wildly. It’s difficult, but you manage to suppress your anxiety for the time being. Letting your control slip now is definitely not an option.

In contrast to the heated look she had been giving you just moments before, Lisa now dons an adorable smile that nearly makes your heart burst. In the moment, you almost reach forward to touch her puffed out cheeks. 

You sit down beside her, and she takes a minute to look you over again. It’s baffling how she can go from so wholesome and adorable to flirty in such a short period of time. 

As the time ticks on and the mentors work through the list of contestants, the two of you continue to steal conversations and teasing glances.

Things are ramped up, however, when Lisa’s hand finds its way to your thigh, settling there for a bit. You attempt to push the intrusive thoughts from your mind, but they come flooding back the second she leans in to whisper something into your ear.

“You look gorgeous,” she tells you, warm breath fanning over your neck. Her slight accent only adds to the effect that her words have on you. All you can offer is a breathless thank you, thoughts completely jumbled at having the stunning woman do such things to you.

Before anyone can get suspicious, she backs off. The disappointment must’ve been evident, because she chuckles lightly and pats your knee in response. Thankfully no one had been paying you two any mind.

~~~ Practices ~~~

It wasn’t often that you came into the studio upset or exhausted, considering you knew you’d soon be cheered up once you saw Lisa, but she made sure to take care of you when those times came around. She could read you like a book, easily knowing when you’d had enough and needed a break. That’s not to say that she lowered her standards, though -- she was firm and demanding, but she checked on you often. She respected all of her students, but she couldn’t deny that she had a soft spot for you. You lived for her soft gaze and gentle touches on the days you needed them most.

Other days, though, you got a kick out of teasing her; playing dumb, purposefully missing steps, ignoring her instructions -- anything to pull a reaction from her. 

          ↪“Eyes forward,” she would call out, voice strong, upon catching you talking to a fellow trainee when you were meant to be practicing. Her jaw would be set, eyes menacing.

          ↪“You keep messing up. Here,” she’d declare, demonstrating the moves directly in front of you. She knew exactly what to do to get you going, and sometimes your plans backfired a bit.

          ↪Those times that you’d play dumb were by far the best, both of you secretly loving the back and forth of it all. “I’m sorry, miss. I just can’t seem to get the moves right.” You’d say, appearing innocent and sweet all the while. It was hard to contain yourself when she’d approach you from behind, pressing her body against your own. “One here,” she’d inform, placing your hand on your hip; “...and one here,” she’d finish, correcting your position once again. When the music restarted, she counted next to your ear, keeping time as her warm hands held yours, guiding you through the positions.  

And of course, the majority of the time, you were a great student for her. Her praise had a mighty effect on you, and there existed a mutual love for it. Being a strong dancer often worked in your favor.

~~~ Performances ~~~

Anytime you were set to perform, Lisa made sure to settle in and get ready to enjoy herself. The two of you had spent many weeks getting to know each other better, growing closer in the process. She found you captivating, and always loved to watch you on stage. The same can be said for you; seeing her dance was always the highlight of your day.

The two of you made sure to play things up, having a knack for getting the other riled up and squirming in their seat.

Watching her cool demeanor falter and ultimately crumble before you was one of your favorite things in the whole world. One of its only rivals was how she had to attempt to conceal it, knowing the cameras would be on her often. 

“I-I loved it. I’m very proud of you, Y/N.”

You smirked at her stutter; no one else was capable of making her blush as much as you did

~~~ Bonus: Backstage ~~~

“You all did so well. I loved that dance break in the middle of the song.” You gushed to a group of your fellow contestants, smiling at how happy they were. Over the course of the competition you had become something of a “celebrity” yourself, noticing that the other girls would always approach you for help and get giddy when you agreed. Not to mention that the mentors were always proud of your progress and dedication to the craft. The conversation continued, and you settled into a comfortable rhythm; everyone taking a turn to share their favorite part of their performance. Seeing these girls -- your friends -- so proud of themselves was a wonderful thing. Everyone worked so hard, day in and day out, to put forth their best effort in everything that they did. Celebrating each other’s wins just felt right, despite the fact that this is a competition. It always hurt to see anyone go home, considering you spent so much time getting to know each other. These were the people who were there for you when you needed it most; all of you know how hopeless it can feel, and you wanted to protect the others from that in every way possible. 

“Y/N!” The sound of someone calling your name pulls you from the conversation, and you send a quick bow and goodbye to the girls before departing. 

Your eyes travel across the crowded stage, searching for the source of the noise. You spot Lisa looking at you, hand beckoning you towards her. A familiar warmth spreads across your body at the action, and you don’t even attempt to stop the smile that takes over your features.

“Yes?” You ask sweetly, approaching her. Her hands slip into yours, fingers lacing in a sweet embrace. “I want you to come to my dressing room once everyone goes back to the dorm. You impressed me tonight, but you still have some things to learn.” As that last sentence falls from her lips, your blood runs cold. Her voice had dropped lower, and you feared what she meant by that. Had you mixed up the choreography without realizing it? Surely not. The only thing you were sure of in that moment was the way she was studying you, almost intimidatingly. Her jaw was set, eyes narrowed, and you swallowed thickly upon noticing this. “Of course. I appreciate the feedback.” She smiled, seemingly pleased with your answer.

With a swipe of her thumb across your knuckles, she was gone.

A sigh left your lips, your mind racing at all of the possible things to come.

~~~ Bonus: A Private Meeting ~~~

“You wanted to see me, Lisa?” You announce upon entering the room and shutting the door behind yourself. The two of you had long ago left the formalities behind, opting instead to be on a first name basis. It was much more intimate, and you preferred things to be that way with her. Of course, occasionally you would use her official title just to get a certain reaction out of her. Slipping it into conversation when around the other instructors always worked to get her attention and catch her off guard. It was easy to see that she enjoyed it, the innocent way it rolled off your tongue. 

You sit down in the chair opposite her, feeling the coolness of the leather press against your calves as you get situated.

“Good job tonight; you get better and better with every performance.” You thank her, both well aware of how much you enjoy her praise. Her expression turns more serious, and you take a deep breath. Here goes. “I don’t think it’s wise for you to be so close with some of the other contestants, though. Not all of them are interested in gaining your friendship for the right reasons.” With furrowed eyebrows and slightly pursed lips, you look at her. “What exactly do you mean?” Her expression turns unreadable, and you sink into your seat a little more. “Some of them may want to get into your head to throw you off your game. Despite what you want to believe, Y/N, this is still a contest.” You sigh, now a bit upset that she’s treating you like a child. “I’m aware of that, Lisa, but I can take care care of myself.” At the change in tone, the air around you shifts into something more tense. “Are you sure? Because you seem to be pretty oblivious to their actions.” She bites back, shifting her seat to get a better look at you, and crosses her arms.

When you don’t respond, she takes this as her cue to continue. “Don’t play dumb, Y/N. I see the way they look at you, so entranced. They know that acting helpless will get your attention. It’s just to distract you!” She says, exasperated, jaw set and eyes cut, just like earlier.

“Are you jealous?” You ask, a contrasting tone of accusal and uncertainty in your voice. No turning back now.

She scoffs, rolling her eyes. “Jealous? Of what?” Her eyes setting on you again, a cocky expression on her face.

“Oh, I don’t know,” you start, toying with her; you know exactly what to say. “Maybe at the fact that they get to be so close to me all the time, like you want to be. Or maybe that we sleep together, especially when it gets cold in the dorms.”

It’s her turn to be speechless. “I’m more observant that you act, miss.” She gulps, and you bite back a smirk. “I see how you look at me; your desire is obvious. We’ve both known it for a long time now… Why don’t you just admit it?” The teasing tone in your voice is thick, and it’s clearly getting to her. Who knew you could make her feel like this with just your words?

“Y/N…” Lisa says your name almost as a warning, knowing that you’re on the edge of crossing the line. She failed to deny your claims; after all, it would do no good. She can’t disguise her feelings for you.

A surge of confidence washes over you, and you take that as a sign to scoot closer to her. Soon, you’re mere inches away from her, your body pressed against the side of the seat as you rest your chin in the palm of your hand. Her tongue darts out of her mouth, soothing her lips.

You take her in for a moment, enjoying the sight. Her long dark hair tumbles past her shoulders in loose waves, and a blush takes residence upon her cheeks. Having her like this was something you only dreamed of in the past; seeing her so aroused because of you truly made you think back on how far the two of you have come.

To put an end to the silence, you loop two fingers underneath her chin, successfully coaxing her into meeting your gaze. Your eyes fall to her lips as you ask, “Am I wrong?” Before you can continue, her resolve fades. She leans forward, capturing your lips in a searing kiss. Any ounce of doubt that you had before melts away as she pulls you closer.

With inhibition and processing skills long gone, you slip from your chair and into hers, settling in her lap. One of her arms wraps around your waist to hold you steady, while her other hand tangles itself into your hair. A swift bite to your lip, paired with a flex of her warm thigh beneath you, sends a jolt through your body and earns her a low groan. She shudders against you, and that simple act works wonders in boosting your confidence.

All too quickly, a sudden noise from just outside the door startles you; reluctantly, Lisa pulls away. You nearly gasp at how dark her eyes have gotten in the heat of the moment. “I’m going to go see what that was,” she informs, gently setting you down in her seat as she stands up. Before turning to walk away, however, she plants another kiss on your lips. “Don’t even think about moving. I’m not done with you yet.”

[astriefer]

“Please hold me.” for thomastair (ofc bc that's what you said) 🥺

Thank you for this! @littlx-songbxrd you asked for this as well. I'm sorry it's so bad.

~~~~~

Trust me with thy heart

Pairing: Thomastair

Words: 4,537

Contains mild angst, some self harm and hurt/comfort.

Note I am awful at writing angst or hurt/comfort. This whole poor writing is based on miscommunication, much or less, or the fear to let others close.

~~~~~

Thomas wasn't fond of fights.

Demons were one thing. Their destiny as Shadowhunters was to protect mankind from those filthy monsters who invade their world. They brought disorder and death. The people he cared about were a different tale. 

A light jest with his friends, why not? A banter with his father about taking the coat or not while going outside? Sure. But not a very tumultuous, tempestuous strife with them. He preferred them all to get along with each other. 

Thomas liked even less when it was him involved in the disagreement.

He spent the last day jogging between massive training seasons, hanging out with his friends, and losing himself in his thoughts. Now, he avoided everyone in favor of reading Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. He made a special effort to tell no one where he was going, so non could bother him and ask him questions.

So Thomas was stunned when Ariadne Bridgestock, of all people, rushed through the entry in an unmatched combination of grace and ivory skirts, then flopped herself onto the armchair in front of Thomas.

While she had had a pleasant expression on her face, there was a dangerous gleam in her eyes. If Thomas hadn't known better, he would've sworn she came here to murder him.

"You and Alastair fought," she stated.

Thomas glanced between his book to her determined face twice, considering his options. Then, on behalf of good manners, he put a bookmark on the current page he pretended to be reading for half an hour. "Is it Alastair's way to tell me to speak to him? If so, please tell him not to embroil any other folks in our relationship."

"He hadn't sent me," Ariadne ignored the last part of his sentence. "But he did not arrive for our conclave."

A spark of concern lightened up in Thomas, yet he repressed it. He was angry with Alastair, Thomas reminded himself. "And what have you speculated I can do about it?"

She looked at him funny. "Talk to him, I presume."

"Ariadne," he tried, weariness falling heavy on him. "While I appreciate your concern, I doubt Alastair wants to see me. In fact, I doubt whether I want to see him right now. I know you confide in each other-" more than Alastair does with him, the bitter thought tore its way into his head. "And your intentions are well, but I will highly prefer to keep this between myself and Alastair."

He thought this would give her down and make her apologize. "Alastair wouldn't have sent someone else, and he didn't solicit help from myself," she said instead. "He would've given time to you both to collect your minds, and then come to you in clearer mind."

It was right. He knew it was. "So this parley is all you?"

"As I said, Yes. I worried for my friend, who happened to be your partner."

Thomas brushed his thumb on the spine of the book, musing over her words.  "Why would you be worried?"

"He stood me up. I came by your flat later, just for him to say nothing has happened. When I asked where you were, he conceded you two had a big bump in the road."

"That's a nice way to put it," Thomas murmured. "I frankly wished to be left alone. It's nothing-"

"Thomas," Her amber eyes met hazel ones. "You are good at many things. Fighting demons, and keeping the rest of the Thieves out of trouble, for example."

He quirked an eyebrow. "And?"

"Lying is not one of them."

Thomas swallowed, endeavoring to hide the feeling of hurt off his face. Recalling what happened a few days before made his whole body ache in pain. "So Alastair and I had a row. It always happens with lads." 

"It's not just a lad for you," she pressed. He was wide aware of the chastisement in her words. "It's Alastair. And never have I seen him the way he looked when I checked on him."

"What do you mean?" he asked after he perceived her words. "Alastair was absolutely fine when I left the flat." 

"You have to see for yourself." Ariadne said, "Go to him."

Despite the knots formed in the abdomen, he dithered. "Things ended up stormy when we last spoke. Maybe he's still mad. Maybe I'm still mad."

It wasn't just Alastair who was mad. He wondered how Alastair had been this past day, and how was he feeling, among many other thoughts. Yet the cloud of exhaustion and hurt surrounding him perturbated the nervousness. He was allowed to be upset about what happened. It sure wasn't nothing. Not on his part, at most. Why couldn't Alastair just-

"Excuses are not appreciated," Ariadne announced, "So you better confront him already, or I swear I shall chase you to the end of the Earth with my electrum whip." Ariadne threatened, and that what had taken to wake Thomas out of his hesitation.

"Of course," he sighed, "Because I don't have enough troubles already."

She brushed it off again with a smile, and Thomas felt mildly annoyed. He hadn't shown it. "Sort it out. It will benefit the two of you to tackle the problem."

She left no place for arguments. Utterly abandoning the book, Thomas rose to his feet and went to leave the room. 

He was glad to get out of the grip of this confusing confab, but he was even more unsure if to listen to her advice.

He was still angry with Alastair.

~~~~~

A veil of fog surrounded the city. It was a prevalent London day, cool and cloudy. The wind is blowing hard, welcoming passersby in a burst of freezing breeze. A thunderstorm on its way, they said.

But those were the last of things that perturbed Alastair's peace of mind. It matched his mood just fine. If someone was to describe him, curled up on his bed alone, he could imagine being portrayed as forlorn and tormented.

No, what bothered him was a particular someone that left and hasn't returned. Alastair hated he still hoped Thomas would return and make him less cold.

His breath was heavy, and his lungs burned like fire. He remembered words that haunted him for weeks in the past.  I believed you were more than what others said about you. I conceived myself beneath all the harsh words, was someone with a kind soul waiting to be seen. Was it all a lie I told myself?

Darkness flooded his senses. Trying to get any portion of self-control on his body he could, Alastair rose to his feet, glancing out of the window on unsteady legs without seeing anything at all. Gather yourself together.

But the words burned deep then, and they burned deep now. That was a battle against himself he meant to lose. The cold spread not only from the world beyond the window but from within him. It pulled out his ugly head, writhing and furious, desperately trying to break free and rise to the surface. People walked in the streets, oblivious to his troubles just as he was to theirs.

Thomas wasn't there.

Thomas wasn't there, and Cordelia wasn't there, and anyone he loved wasn't there. He locked himself in their flat for the past day, overthinking and speculating and wondering why did he have to be the way he is. If Thomas had finally realized he deserved someone so much better than Alastair, would he be surprised? Alastair was aware of this fact too well. The way he looked at him when they fought, the shaky hands when he opened the door, and the hours of waiting in case Thomas will return, just for nothing to happen. What does it mean if not that Alastair finally made Thomas give up and leave?

This inner part of him was crying, demanded to be heard, to be set free. A shrill cry came to his ears, and it took him a moment to perceive it belonged to him.

His vision became vague, his head ached, and everything spun around. He tried to lay a hand on the wall - only to find he miscalculated the distance and fell ungracefully on his knees. His heart pounded in his chest while the darkness tried to pull him in; He tried to take a breath and dozens of small knives tore his lungs up. He shrank, gasping for air that didn't come.  

Everything seemed blurry, all his mind could engross in was the words Thomas Lightwood told him, the cold truth dripping from them, freezing Alastair all over again. 

Alastair was accountable for all the hideous things he'd done and said, unquestionably. How weak is he that he hides behind shallow faces and vicious words? What a dolt he is, hurting a person, mainly the only person outside of his family that seemed to genuinely care for him. His words rang in his head, Thomas's voice haunting every corner.  

He sank lower, his breathing gurgling, reaching out in search of something stable, something that would serve as a pillar in the chaos that ensued around him. His hand extended out to the still air and then groped for something to hold on the floor. That came the way of a cold, sharp object that lay on the ground. He gripped it tightly, and he groaned in pain and relief at the physical ache that eased his mind.

"Alastair?" A voice called.

~~~~~

Thomas was about to lose his right mind. Alastair was trembling vigorously, barely able to stand on his feet that were shaking like a leaf swaying in the wind.

"Alastair," Thomas stuttered, with no response back. His indignation vanished to immediate panic. "Alastair?" he repeated more stubbornly.

His chest went up and down quickly; His eyes were wide like that of a deer caught in the automobile light. When Thomas tried to take a step toward him, the smaller man stiffened and stood bolt upright. Thomas stopped dead.

"I came at the behest of Ariadne," he said, just for the sake of talking. Alastair hadn't told him to quiet, so he kept going. "And because I was worried about you."

"Leave," Alastair hissed out frantically. Thomas couldn't stop the throbbing burn striking through his body.

Thomas took a few steps back, allowing Alastair his space. He had no temptation to leave as he requested - Thomas simply waited aside, for a chance Alastair would change his mind. He recalled the nights he woke up from a nightmare, dazed and overwhelmed with emotions, and how Alastair always reassured him in the dead of night.

This Alastair seemed lost in his own mind, unable to escape, and it terrified Thomas. Yet, he shoved the dread aside and put on the most relaxing facade he could. He was told to be quite good at it.

"I'm right here, Azizam." 

"Everyone leaves. You can do as well."

Somewhere in his mind, the pieces joined together, like a colossal puzzle. Was he afraid Thomas would leave him? That he would give up on him? he told him he could leave in their run-in, because he thought everyone will leave him in the end? 

"I don't know. I don't know how to do it." To cease making the wrong decision. To cease pushing people away. To cease hurting people. "man nemidânam."

"Alastair, can you hear me?"

As he found out, Alastair did not hear him. "I don't want to hurt you. I already hurt you so much." Alastair went on, choking on his own words. Thomas was in full panic mode, and he hurried further toward Alastair with barely contained alarm.

I find you worth any pain to come, Thomas thought. 

"It's fine," Thomas said. "I am fine. I want you to be fine as well. It's much more important to me than whether you may or may not harm me."

Something split in his face, and he took a deep breath down his throat. His eyes snapped to Thomas. The terror on his face made Thomas's heart sink.

"Alastair?" he asked, but it didn't manage to elicit a response from the other man.

Thomas drew closer to Alastair, not missing the flinch passing the half-Persian's body. Thomas could hear his breath, shallow and trembling. He could painfully see the tremor of his hands. The wide eyes that so clearly tried to hold back tears. He took one step closer, and Alastair took one back.

Thomas imminently came to a halt. Alastair squeezed hard against the wall. He looked like a captive animal on the verge of losing hope, a man pushed to the edge, an injured soul. 

Thomas took one step closer. With his enormous figure, it all needed to reach Alastair. He wrapped his arms around the shorter man, didn't let go even when Alastair squirmed, trying to shove him aside, fought to set free from Thomas's grip. His hold only tightened, and he used his strength to shove Alastair's head into his chest. He kept him close, kept even when Alastair protested, kept his hold when Alastair Surrendered abruptly, sinking into the soft material of Thomas's clothing, even when sobs began and his chest got wet from the tears of his love.

Thomas pressed his lips to the dark hair, held Alastair steadily while he cried. No words of reassurance passed between them. Truly, Thomas wasn't sure Alastair would have heard him if he tried. He knew the touch was what Alastair needed. Their embrace was clumsy and distorted, but it was enough. Enough to tell Alastair he wasn't alone; Thomas wouldn't have let him go through this alone.

With a soft sigh, Thomas finally let loose of his grip. He started to pull away and was surprised when he felt fists clasping on the fabric of the front of his sleeveshirt.

"Please," Alastair whispered desperately."Please hold me."

Thomas couldn't find it in himself to deny it to Alastair. They slipped to the floor. Alastair buried his face in Thomas's chest once again, shaking silently. Thomas felt his mouth forming words on his chest, although he could not tell which. All the while, his hands embraced the slim, shaking form of Alastair.

A few minutes had passed. Or an hour. Or a couple of days. Thomas didn't feel the time had passed while he tried to console his beloved one. He closed his eyes and concentrated on moving his hand on Alastair's small back, kept him close. The other hand came to caress the space between his ear and jawline, where he was creating circles on the tender skin.

Slowly, The dark-haired's breath became more even.

"Here you are," Thomas let a breath of both exhaustion and relief leave his body. "Can you hear me, Eshgham?"

"Y-Yes."

"Would you like me to get you a glass of water?"

"No."

Thomas sighed inertly as he held the other gentleman in his warm hands, promising reassurance and no judgment. Alastair, for the matter, clang to him as if he was drowning and Thomas was his only lifeline.

He never liked to fight with Alastair. It rarely happened, but when it did it left a bitter taste in his mouth and a pang at his heart. But he was not going to give up - not on this. He remembered his mother once told him couples fight, sometimes, because they still care about what the other does. It was their first argument with their new agreement. It didn't make him feel any better at the time. All his life he had been surrounded with unconditioned love, never exposed to the arguments and the imperfect details. It made him view love as just sweet and honey, while he learned that there's more with Alastair.

There's the giving. And the receiving. The trust in the other's intentions and the willingness to make them your priority foremost of all. The disagreements make you understand when your boundaries are and open a place for learning and acceptance. The balance you build with time, something he hoped he could shape with the man in front of him.

The trust part, to his belief, was something they still were working on. Alastair had leaned on him, and Thomas wondered it he thought now he calmed down, Thomas would leave him again. He did the last time.

"I'm not leaving," They locked eyes, and for some reason, he felt hope. "Alastair, I'm not leaving."

There are very few things he wanted more than Alastair. Verily, He was what he longed for above everything else. He wanted Alastair and everything he was.

Alastair didn't answer, but he averted his eyes.

"Are you ready to go now?"

Alastair seemed slightly lost, but he nodded and weakly stood on his legs. He followed Thomas while Thomas flung himself up and let Alastair sat on their bed beside him. The comfortable place always made both feel better - The mix of English and Persian and Spanish books on the bookshelves. The notebooks full of poems Thomas kept beside his side of the bed. Alastair's spears collection. The artworks they bought when they visited art galleries.Even the soft yellow light was a source of relief.

"You are mad," proclaimed Alastair in a hoarse voice.

"So are you," Thomas returned. Alastair shook his head, and Thomas's eyebrows rose. "So what then, if not mad?"

"Mostly nauseous," Alastair murmured, managing to startle a breathy chuckle out of Thomas. "But also bloody exhausted."

Thomas fumble after the right words, before deciding he should be candid. "I didn't like being apart from you in those few days. But I stick to what I told you before, Alastair." He saw it happening - the wall of defense Alastair was building up again after the last one had crushed. "Let me bring some fresh air into here."

Thomas tried to ventilate the room well while Alastair sank into the mattress and sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard. "If you call the London foggy, polluted air fresh, then sure."

A bit of relief passed because of Alastair's quip. He didn't lose it. "It seems you and my father share this opinion."

Thomas scanned Alastair, then noticed the cut on his right palm. Absentmindedly, he approached his side.

"Why did you do it?"

It took Alastair a moment to conceive what he was referring to. He hastily covered it with his other hand, but Thomas saw it. "I - didn't mean to."

Thomas watched the cut in awe as if it was imaginary.  However, when he grazed the skin, Alastair winced. 

Thomas wasn't sure how to counter this. Their fight. What just happened. Alastair didn't either. Or did he wish to pretend none of this happened? That he -both of them- weren't hurt?

This thought wasn't toleratable to Thomas.

And that's why, after he took his stele out of his dresser and was applying an iratze on Alastair's forearm, that he asked, "I want to talk about what happened the day before yesterday."

He could feel Alastair stiffening, his muscles tensing. "I was upset," Alastair said cautiously. "I shouldn't have snapped at you, Tom."

"You shouldn't have," Thomas agreed. He was done with the iratze and put the stele aside. "But that's not why I'm distraught."

Alastair shot him a tumultuous look. Thomas took a deep breath before looking Alastair dead in the eye. "You were upset, but you wouldn't tell me why. You grumble about things relentlessly, but when you're truly shaken you don't share at all. It's not - just this argument. It's not just one thing. Those small moments you hesitate whether to tell me the truth. The times you don't." He inhaled, letting the cold air fill his lungs. He resisted looking away from Alastair's face, didn't let his eyes flutter around the room like they were trying to do. "Love is also built on trust and communication. If we don't have those, what is left?" He didn't need to hear Alastair's reply. "We talk, and we share, yet I cannot understand why you're so grumpy at times. I need you to tell me."

"Can't one just be pissed off at the world?"

"Alastair."

"Many things can upset me," Alastair said. Thomas might have hallucinated it, but his voice was a bit shaky. "Do you want to hear them all?"

"Yes," Thomas answered immediately. His tone was sincere.

Alastair's hand reached to the other side of the bed, a nonverbal request.  They still couldn't stop staring at each other. But not playfully, or lovingly, but earnestly.

Alastair, naked of his facade and any snide remarks. Alastair, whom he grew to know and rarely showed up to many else.

I do trust you. I care for you. were the meaning behind Alastair's gaze. All Thomas wanted is to lean on and forget everything. But still - it was not his pride making him relucent. That was much deeper than that. 

He lingered there just for a moment too long, enough to make Alastair believe he declined the request, and his hand quirked in pain for a moment. His face became emotionless - and Thomas had feared he misleadingly deceived Alastair that he didn't want them after all. That he didn't want him.

In moments, he climbed on the bed. He coddled Alastair, silently and diligently. "Tell me. Tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing," Alastair retorted eventually. He rubbed his eyes and laid back on the bed board. Then after a moment. "Everything."

"I hate it when I see you suffer and I don't know why," Thomas whispered. "I want to help. More than anything. But you push me away and I am left to think it might be because of me, because-"

"No," Alastair said firmly, extending his hands to cup Thoams's. "You have never been anything but good to me. It's just-," he broke off.

Thomas searched his foggy eyes. "I don't blame you," he told him, "If it's hard for you. But trust me enough to tell me what bothers you, thus we could face it together." He collected his hands in his own, lifting them so he could kiss his knuckles. "I know I want to stand by your side whatever the cost." he was certain about that; No whirlwind to come could change it. "Will you let me?"

Instead of an answer, Alastair kissed him.

Thomas knew he was kind, forgiving, trusting. He knew Alastair was slow to trust, slow to reveal his true feelings, hiding behind sharp words to secure himself from being harmed by people close to him. He knew the world broke his heart - so viciously, and that he took the pieces that were left. It was undoubtedly hard. Alastair had changed so much, yet Thomas wanted to understand, to reassure Alastair they were in this together. 

"Hamsar-am," Alastair said when they pulled away. "I will try."

Thomas smiled at the endearment term. His heart was throbbing fast. "I was mad," he confessed, "because you refused to tell me what's wrong. You pretended. And I - I don't want facades, my love. I want the truth. I want you."

"I don't want to be weak around the people I love," Alastair whispered, and Thomas understood. To what extent did he fear that if he shows weakness, his friends and family would suffocate him again, shield him from the world as they did when he was younger? How much he feared at slightest of weakness shown, he would be smothered as Thomas had been when he was too small, too fragile?

But Alastair never did that. He supported him in his way, allowed him to be weak without acting as if Thomas was made of glass. "So not weak to everyone," He was astonished he found it in himself to laugh softly. "Each other will be enough. We can be vulnerable with one another."

Alastair stared at him for a long moment. Eventually, a faint smile appeared on his lips. "Okay."

"This is just another way of trust."

So Alastair told him. He told him about the rumors he heard from the London enclave about his family, the looks he had gotten. Of the words of people who were white while Alastair was brown. He didn't mind, much, but it drew attention to his family. And to Thomas. Respectable family and a kind heart seemingly weren't enough to make the rumors - and who spread them - silence. The opposite is correct - the fire burned even brighter, and its flame was like cutting knives. The people who matter didn't care about their agreement, and Alastair long stopped paying attention to rumors. But when it was about Thomas, he said, he had been furious. The stories unfolded, the truth shone through, and the more Alastair talked - not just about rumors, but on the way some of the people treated him, of the Cornwall's townhouse and its residents, the things his soul troubled about were finally out.

Thomas listened, understood, stroked Alastair's cheek when he seemed to start shaking again, but now out of relief instead of concealed agony. 

They sunk into a comfortable silence in the end. Up until Alastair inquired, "You were out for so long. Where were you?"

"At the institute," Thomas replied. The concept of coming back to his parents' townhouse, admitting the quarrel, rewinding it all in his head countless times while enduring Sophie and Gideon's worrying looks, was nothing he wished to do. "Or somewhere I could avoid anyone."

"And now?" he asked tentatively. "You come back?"

"I have no intentions to leave this bed even if Ariadne herself will come to pluck me off the sheets." He affirmed.

Alastair's smirk became genuine this time. "Ariadne was here today."

When Thomas said "I know" he got a quizzical look from Alastair so he supplied, "She found my whereabouts and made me go confront you. Not much subtly, may I add."

"Yes. This jinx made me open up the door and refused to leave until I told her what happened."

Thomas silently laughed. 

"I..suppose it was rather cathartic," Alastair said. It was evening now, Thomas noted, and none of them found it in themselves to get up and eat supper. They just kept their bodies close, relishing their air of comfort.

"Indeed. This, this was good. Splendidly better than reading the same page over and over again in the Devil's tavern or pretending to care what waistcoat Matthew is taking to the impending party at Anna's flat." 

"You thought the place you and your squad go to hide is the best place to hide from them?" Alastair asked.

"It seemed reasonable at the time," Thomas murmured. "Each of us has a kind of hideout, have we not?"

Where was Alastair's safe hideaway? At home, with a book in hand? At museums, drinking in art and beauty? Was it hiking in the streets of London by himself and enjoying the view and the whispers of nature?

"You," Alastair said. Thomas hadn't realized he voiced his question aloud. A tired, small smile played on Alastair's lips, yet his words were soft, plain and simple. Their eyes locked, and he could feel how genuine Alastair was. "You are my hideout."

~~~~~

Dictionary:

man nemidânam - I don't know

Eshgham - my love

Hamsar-am - my equal head, my better half

[melzula]

Life Changing Field Trip

*part of the Fire Lililes series

pairing: Zuko x Princess!reader

warnings: heavy angst, lots of tears, fluff, 3.6k words in length so it’s a doozy

notes: it’s finally here! I’ve had so much fun writing this piece and I hope you enjoy

summary: “You cannot bend something that is broken, but you can heal something that is hurt.”

“You can’t just show up like that, give me a location, and then not tell me why or where I’m going,” you grumble to the moon as you load your bags onto Appa’s saddle. You’re not sure how long you’ll be gone or how far you’ll be traveling, but’s it better to be prepared.

Your bending had dwindled ever since Zuko’s arrival, and no amount of training or meditation ever seemed to help you get back on track. Zuko was a part of your team now, and you hadn’t forgiven him yet, not by a long shot, but you had been good about keeping your rage and your fury locked away inside of you. Scaring Zuko off and creating unnecessary tension wouldn’t help Aang with his fire bending, and so you kept to yourself and avoided the boy at all costs. When he entered a room you exited, if he tried to start a conversation you gifted him your silence as a response, and when he tried to apologize or chase after you you’d freeze his feet to the floor. It was simple and effective and, unlike your water bending, it worked.

But Zuko wasn’t the only obstacle in your life, and you knew you had to figure out your bending issue soon before the comet arrived. Your struggle must have been great enough to draw attention from the spiritual realm, because sure enough that night you were visited by the Moon Spirit in your sleep.

Even in your dream-like state your first instinct upon seeing her was to fetch Sokka, but she made it clear that she didn’t have much time. She gave you a location and stressed the urgency of your arrival to the coordinates. She gave no real explanation and no real direction, just some weird proverb like piece of advice that you were too tired and too dense to understand.

“You cannot bend something that is broken, but you can heal something that is hurt.”

You weren’t sure what exactly Princess Yue meant by that or how it would help you, and for a fleeting moment you wished Iroh were there to help you understand; all you really knew was that there was no time to waste. Whatever this location was and whatever importance it held, you were going, and nothing was going to stop you.

“What are you doing?”

Okay, maybe someone was going to stop you.

“It’s none of your business,” you retort harshly, glaring at Zuko who stands before you with bead head and drowsiness present upon his features. “Go back to sleep.”

“Y/n, come on,” Zuko begs earnestly. “You really expect me to just go back to bed when you’re about to sneak off with Appa in the middle of the night?”

“Yes, I do. Now go,” you scowl whilst settling yourself in the saddle and taking hold of the reigns. Your gaze is fixed straight ahead, but you make no move to go. It’s almost as if something is holding you back from leaving Zuko behind, anchoring you to him in a way that makes you nervous.

“Let me come with you.”

“I have to do this by myself. You wouldn’t understand, you never have,” you argue.

“Then let me try to,” Zuko pleads. “Princess, you’re the only one who hasn’t forgiven me yet. Neither of us can be happy until we at least try to fix it.”

A tense silence washes over the two of you as you mull over Zuko’s words. Princess Yue’s voice echoes in the back of your mind: You cannot bend something that is broken. Your resistance to mend your broken bond only seemed to make things worse for the both of you. You couldn’t sleep, you couldn’t eat, you couldn’t bend, you couldn’t feel at peace with yourself knowing that each day you pushed him away only led to more heartache. Your stubbornness and your pride kept you from accepting his apologies, but your heart cried out to you every time you found yourself missing him, and that was often.

It seemed your decision was made up for you before you were even able to decide it yourself.

“Fine. But I’m in charge, and just because I’m letting you come doesn’t mean we’re friends now,” you answer sternly, your tough exterior crumbling slightly at the sight of Zuko’s hopeful smile. Curse him and his stupid charm.

“Thank you,” he breathes in relief before climbing onto Appa’s back and settling down amongst the many bags of food you packed. A gentle utterance of the words yip yip and you’re off into the skies, truly alone with Zuko for the first time since Ba Sing Se before everything fell apart.

The stars twinkle brilliantly as they watch over your little group in the sky, the night breeze gently flowing through your loose locks and sending your sweet scent straight to Zuko’s senses. Despite being Princess of the Southern Water Tribe, you always smelled of fire lilies. You were sweet and warm and familiar, and being close enough to smell the scent of lilies reminded the prince of your nights together in Ba Sing Se. He had been a fool to throw it all away.

“So where are we going?” He asks finally to break the silence. Without turning to face him you toss your map over your shoulder for him to see. ”The Earth Kingdom? This spot isn’t even marked on a regular map. Why?”

“The Moon Spirit came to me in a dream and gave me those coordinates so that’s where I’m going.”

“The Moon Spirit? Wasn’t she a Princess?” Zuko asks, recalling the story Sokka had told him on their way to the Boiling Rock.

“Of the Northern Water Tribe,” you nod, and before you can stop yourself an admission tumbles past your lips. “You know, I almost left you during the Siege of the North.”

“What?”

“I was homesick and lonely, and you were always occupied with hunting the Avatar. When I saw what the Princess did to save her people I soon felt guilty too. Yue sacrificed her own life, her own happiness, to help her people, and what did I do? I ran away with the boy who was trying to destroy the world’s only hope for peace among Nations. But my love for you overcame my guilt, and so I stayed.”

“Wow...” Zuko murmurs in astonishment. “I didn’t know...”

“Yeah, well, there’s a lot of things you don’t know,” you grumble, immediately closing yourself off again. Zuko sighs sinking further into the saddle, and the scent of fire lilies consumes him.

After three tense hours of flying Appa begins to tire, and you’re left with no choice but to stop for the night and rest. There’s probably only four hours of darkness remaining until sunrise, so you’ll be able to get a decent amount of sleep before you have to resume your travels. You say nothing to Zuko as you roll out your sleeping bag and immediately tuck yourself in for the night. However, due to the cool and frigid air, you find that you’re much to cold to be comfortable, and so you toss and turn for a good ten minutes.

“Cold?” Zuko asks gently.

“No, I just like to shiver in my sleeping bag for fun,” you retort sarcastically, and Zuko rolls his eyes. A small huff of air falls past your lips and it takes you a minute to muster up the will to apologize. “Sorry,” you grumble. “I’m very cold and tired.”

“Would you like me to help?” He offers carefully. A beat passes before he hears the sound of you shuffling around and pulling back the covers of your sleeping bag.

“This doesn’t mean anything,” you point out firmly, and the Prince bites back a smile as he crawls in beside you. Already you can feel the warmth that radiates off of his body, and you can’t stop the little sigh of contentment that escapes you when Zuko wraps his arms around your trembling figure and brings you into his chest.

“Better?”

“Much,” you hum softly, face nuzzling into the crook of his neck as you try to soak up as much heat as you can.

You hate to admit it, but you really missed being in Zuko’s embrace. He was warm and safe, and it reminded you of the times before when you had still been together. During the first few weeks of your separation you had struggled to fall asleep, not used to being on your own and definitely not used to the absence of warmth that often slept beside you. Sometimes you’d wonder if Zuko also lied awake at night seeking your comfort, but your anger was quick to remind you that he was the one who had left you in the first place. It was Zuko who made you second priority to the Avatar, and it was Zuko who chose to turn against you in Ba Sing Se. Shivers tingle down your spine, and this time it isn’t the cold that has you trembling. He betrayed you once, and he could betray you again.

Zuko falls fast asleep with you in his embrace, but you find that you can’t sleep at all.

~~~

The snowfall is light outside as you anxiously sit through your healing class, constantly glancing towards the doorway in hopes of spotting a Fire Nation ship. The Fire Lord was due for another visit today, and that meant you’d get to spend the day with Prince Zuko.

“Princess, pay attention,” the healer chides, and you sheepishly turn your gaze back to the old woman before you.

“Water is a powerful tool for benders, used to hurt and to heal,” she explains. “Water benders fight to protect themselves and those around them. Soldiers with this gift learn how to use their power to defend our home. But these same soldiers cannot use the bending they would use in a fight to heal a wound.“

The little girls around her watch in awe as the water in her palms glows a gentle hue. She smiles, gracefully swirling the water through the air.

“A rough hand will only bring more pain and heartache. But a gentle hand? A gentle hand can mend even the deepest of wounds. As healers you must remember this: You cannot bend something that is broken, but you can heal something that is hurt.”

You wake slowly, eyes gradually adjusting to the sunlight that shines against your fatigued face. The ground underneath you has been replaced by the leather of Appa’s saddle, and you find yourself warmly wrapped in Zuko’s cloak. The boy in question is seated at the reigns, navigating his way through the clouds and towards the abandoned colony.

“Zuko?” You yawn, catching the prince’s attention. He smiles faintly at the sight of you sleepily wrapping his cloak tighter around your form.

“Good morning,” he says. “I didn’t want to wake you but I know how important it is that we get to the Earth Kingdom as soon as possible. I hope you don’t mind.”

“I... I guess I don’t,” you mumble as you rub the sleep from your eyes before digging into your bag for some breakfast.

“We should be there in about an hour.”

You only nod, looking down at the peach in your hand contemplatively. What awaits you at the abandoned colony? Will it help you regain your bending? Will you like what you find?

The journey goes by quickly when you’re lost in your thoughts, and before you even realize it Appa has landed on the ground and Zuko is helping you off the saddle.

“Good boy, Appa,” you murmur affectionately, gently combing your fingers through his fur as you feed him an entire bag of fruit. “You can stay here for now.”

Leaving the flying bison behind Zuko and yourself walk the rest of the way, finally stumbling upon the exact location the Moon Spirit had given you: a cave entrance.

“Spirits, not another cave,” you groan, and from beside you Zuko blushes in uncomfortable embarrassment. With a heavy sigh you grab Zuko’s wrist and give it a shake until he gets the message, a small flame igniting in the palm of his hand. Holding onto his arm as if he’s your personal torch, you begin your descent through the cave. This better be good.

Unlike your secret tunnel, there’s nothing seemingly special about this cave. It’s dark and dirty not romantic whatsoever, which you figure is good because this isn’t a romantic trip anyway. You’re here per Princess Yue’s instructions only and nothing else, and if Zuko doesn’t like it you have no problem freezing his feet to the floor for what will probably be the thousandth time.

“What do you think you’ll find?”

“I’m not sure, but I’m hoping that whatever it is, it‘ll help my bending,” you murmur thoughtfully.

“Maybe we’ll find another secret tunnel,” Zuko jokes with a quiet laugh that immediately fizzles out at your unamused glare. “Sorry.”

“I doubt that stupid tunnel is even there anymore,” you grumble.

“It is... I checked,” the boy murmurs thoughtfully, causing you to halt in your tracks.

“What?”

“When I returned home from Ba Sing Se I went to Elza’s end of the tunnel and found it still intact. I knew there was no way you’d be there, but I traveled to our meeting point and stayed there,” he confesses quietly, eyes soft and apologetic as they turn to face you. You shift uncomfortably under his gaze and look forward, continuing your pace through the tunnel. “I’m really sorry for how much I’ve hurt you, y/n.”

“Why did you do it?” You question. Your voice is weak and frail and your eyes glisten with tears, and Zuko doesn’t think his heart can hurt any more than it does now. “After everything we’d been through and everything we’d accomplished together, why would you betray me like that? I loved you Zuko.”

“I-“

“And then to betray Iroh? Your own flesh and blood?”

“I know it was wrong, and I wish I could take everything back. I never stopped thinking about you y/n. Even when I was with Mai, all I could see was your face in the cave looking at me with disappointment and-“

“Wait a minute, who’s Mai?” You retort, pulling away from the fire bender to look up at him with furrowed brows. Zuko’s face flushes and immediate regret fills him at having mentioned the girl.

“I umm.. After we broke up, I kind of started seeing someone else,” he admits sheepishly whilst nervously grasping at the back of his neck. The sight of your complete rage and fury makes him wish he was being swallowed whole by an unagi instead of having to face an angry Princess.

“I can’t believe you!” You cry in outrage. “I spent weeks crying over you and you just moved on to another girl like nothing!”

“She didn’t mean anything, I promise-“

“I don’t want to hear it, get away from me!” You demand, picking up your pace to try and get away from him as quickly as you can, but Zuko is hot on your heels.

“Princess, please!” You try to freeze his feet to the floor and let out a frustrated growl as your bending fails you yet again. “Just let me explain!”

“No! I’m going to talk and you’re going to listen!” You command, angrily jabbing a finger at his chest. “I left my people, my family, for you. When you pushed me aside on your hunt for the Avatar, I stayed even though I was unhappy. I stood by you despite all the mean and cruel things you did because I knew deep in my heart that you were still the same Prince I fell in love with. And when we got to Ba Sing Se I thought we could finally have the life we had planned together. Working in your uncle’s tea shop, taking walks through the upper ring at night, being able to enjoy myself without having to worry about what terrible thing you’d do next made me the happiest I’d ever been.”

“And then you threw it all away. For what? Honor? Approval from the man who abused you? Using my bending against you was the hardest thing I’d ever done in my entire life, yet you seemed to have no problem with fighting me the minute Azula asked you to. I knew then that you weren’t Zuko, not the Zuko I fell in love with.”

Tears steadily stream down both of your faces, your throat is raw and sore from yelling but you don’t care. You’re angry, you’re upset, you’re hurt, and you’re afraid of the emotions festering inside of you. But you also feel good, like a weight is slowly being lifted off of you.

“And then to hear you moved on to someone else so quick as if I meant nothing to you?!”

“I’m sorry,” Zuko offers weakly.

“You betrayed me, you broke my trust, you broke my heart, but no matter how hard I try I can’t bring myself to hate you because I love you Zuko! Despite it all I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything or anyone, and when I think about where we came from and where we are now I-I just...”

You burst into a fit of tears and welcome Zuko’s comforting arms that wrap around your figure and squeeze you so tightly to his chest. Your shoulders shake with each sob that falls past your lips, your hands clutch tightly at the fabric of his robes, and you bury your face into his chest to muffle your sobs. The boy says nothing for a long time, only holding you and soothing you to the best of his abilities as you let out all of your hurt, anger, and sorrow.

“I’m sorry I never realized how special you were and how much I truly needed you. Nothing I say can ever undo the hurt I’ve caused you, but I’ll do anything to show you just how much you mean to me. I love you y/n, you’re my other half. Uncle always said our love was a balance of yin and yang, and he was right.” You watch through your tears as Zuko takes both of your hands in his own and gives them a gentle squeeze. “Please, Princess.”

You sniffle, blinking away the tears as you gaze up at Zuko’a pleading gaze. The tricky proverb comes to mind again, only this time it isn’t as tricky. Ever since Zuko joined the Gaang you’d done everything in your power to keep him away to protect yourself, but it only made your heartbreak worse. Defensive maneuvers wouldn’t ease your pain, but offensive would. You cannot bend something that is broken, but you can heal something that is hurt. The water bender in you wanted to push him out, but the healer inside of you knew that this moment in the cave was exactly what you needed to finally feel okay again.

Without responding, you simply lean up and press your lips against Zuko’s in a loving kiss. His hands come to rest upon your tear stained cheeks as he bring you closer, kissing you so desperately it’s almost as if he’ll die if he doesn’t have his lips upon yours. The tunnel around you begins to glow, but you don’t realize this until after you’ve pulled away from each other. A tearful smile graces your lips and Zuko finds himself swooping in for another quick kiss.

“I know why the Moon Spirit sent us here,” you sniffle. “I know where we are now.”

“You do?”

“When I was younger my mother would threaten to send me to the cave of truths whenever I told a lie. It was a magical cave said to not only pull out the most personal truths of anyone who set foot inside but also grant them a lesson in exchange for their truth. My truth was my love for you, Zuko, and I learned that shutting you out is never going to fix things. Only by letting you in again, by allowing you the chance to redeem yourself, will we be able to fix our broken hearts.”

With a gentle smile, you pull the droplets of water from the air that surrounds you and swirl them gently in the palm of your hand until they freeze into snowflakes. Zuko watches in awe as the snow takes the shape of a butterfly, its wings flapping elegantly as it lands on the tip of his nose.

“My bending is back.” Zuko smiles.

“And so are you.”

~~~

The Gaang is waiting for you when you return, astonished at the sight of your intertwined hands and happy smiles on your features.

“What happened to you two?” Suki asks.

“Life changing field trip,” you reply with a simple shrug, smiling as Zuko wraps an arm around your waist and presses a kiss to the top of your head.

“Aw man, you guys are giving me the oogies,” Sokka groans only for Katara to elbow his side.

“What changed?” Aang asks, prompting you and Zuko to exchange glances.

“Our relationship has a really good track record with secret tunnels,” you giggle.

“We’re both ready to start over,” Zuko says. “It’s going to take some time for things to be normal again, but we’ll get there.”

“I’m really happy for you guys,” Katara smiles gently.

“Yeah, I was getting kind of sick of the two of you moping around,” Toph grins, and you can’t help but return the smile.

You’ve got a long journey of healing ahead of you, but with Zuko finally back by your side you know you can accomplish anything.

| tags: @titaniafire @dekahg @emberislandplayers @kikaninchen-2 @multi-fandomstan @eridanuswave @royahllty @lozzybowe @izzieserra @melacholy @music-geek19 @thia-aep @thyunnamed @kittenthekat1234567890 @haylaansmi @nataliahaslosthershit @coldlilheart @idkdude776 @aangsupremacy @thirstyforsometea @ihaveaproblem98 |

[hwangsbbg]

First - Hyunjin

3.9k word,

In which reader is worried about her first time with Hyunjin but it ends up being everything she’s dreamed of. 

------------------------

"I really don't know what to do" You groaned, your head resting in your best friend's lap as you told him of your problems.

Hyunjin was going to be quite busy for the rest of the week with the rest of stray z with this project he couldn't tell me about.

The last time I had seen him was yesterday which explains why I was here ranting to Eric about my "relationship issues".

"It's not like I don't want to but every time we go a little far I start freaking out and I back out." I explain as the older boy runs a hand through his blonde hair.

Eric and the rest of the boyz were on break for around a month so I was over at their dorms whenever I could and spending time with my best friends.

I had to go back to the US in a month however to start my tour. I was on vacation for a good three months and decided to come spend it with my boyfriend and friends.

"You've been dating for like a year. I'm sure he really loves you and he won't force you to do anything you don't want to" Eric explains making me groan in frustration again.

"A year and four months. It's not that I don't want to, I just.. I feel like I'm gonna disappoint him or it won't be how either of us imagined" I let out.

"Listen dude. If you're feeling insecure or something let me remind you of the thousands of fanboys you have as well as the idols and celebrities who've tried hitting on you. You're gorgeous. Hyunjin knows that and I'm sure you wouldn't disappoint him. But if you're still scared, that's fine. You don't have to rush anything." Eric smiles a little towards the end of his small rant making me sit up and give him the tightest hug possible.

"You are the bestest friend I could ever ask for" I said before the door opened revealing Kevin.

"Kevinnn" I ran up to him and hugged him, his arms wrapping around me, returning the hug before letting go.

"Hey! What're you doing here? You said you were coming tomorrow" Kevin spoke.

"I needed advice" I pouted walking back towards Eric and laying down where I previously was.

"About what? Maybe I can help" Kevin sat down on the seat next to me and before I could even speak up, Eric began speaking.

"She's scared to have sex with Hyunjin" He spoke bluntly, my eyes widening at his unfiltered words.

"Well I wouldn't call it scared" I defended myself not really knowing why as Kevin gave me the dad look.

"You know, you shouldn't rush yourself. Your body knows when it's ready or not. You don't have to do it for him. When you're both ready it'll happen" Kevin explained, a soft expression adorning his face.

"But it's not like I don't want to. I do, it's just I get super nervous before anything happens" I explain exactly what I did with Eric before Kevin spoke up again.

"Don't even worry about this. Just live like it doesn't even matter and one day you'll feel if it's right and it'll happen okay" Kevin told me, giving me a tight hug.

"I literally love you guys. I needed this" I smiled as Kevin spoke up announcing he had to shower before leaving Eric and I alone.

"I'm heading back to my house in like two hours" I told Eric as he turned on the videogame console and handed me a controller.

"Two hours is enough to beat at least a hundred times" I laughed, picking my avatar for the race.

---------- three days later ---------

I opened the door to my house, walking in with Hyunjin following after me. He turned around and locked the door before we made our way up to the stairs.

Yes, I had bought a house in Seoul. I had the money and frankly it was much easier to stay at my own house then pay for a hotel every time I visited, which was alot.

Hyunjin was finally done with his secret project with the rest of Stray kids and came over to spend some well needed time with me.

I followed him to my room, giggling as he almost tripped over a staircase. I stayed the door, watching him in amusement as he opened the door and ran straight for the bed, plopping down onto it.

He rested his back against the dashboard and grinned at me, tapping on his lap making me laugh as I understood what he was implying.

I closed the door behind me, hurrying over to my boyfriend and sitting down on his lap, chest to chest, face to face with my feet on both sides of his legs.

He smiled, wrapping his arms around me before speaking up.

"It's only been three days but I missed you. What am I gonna do when you leave for tour again" He pouted, as I rested my forehead against his.

"We have a whole month and a half left, and when I leave I'll call you everyday. And remember we'll see each other in Berlin" I gave him a small peck, smiling widely at him as I pulled away, our noses still touching.

"If only we could stay like this forever" He sighed, his fingers rubbing circles on my waist.

I simply hummed in response, using my fingers to brush a loose strand of his golden colored hair back in place.

"You know you're really pretty" I blurted out, not really knowing why those were the words that decided to make their way out of my mouth.

"Thanks baby, you too" He chuckled, placing his lips on mine again.

I smiled into the kiss as he lifted his head up a little from the headboard allowing me to place my fingers in his hair and pull him closer.

"Your kisses are intoxicating" He pulled away.

I smiled for the hundredth time, reconnecting our lips as his hands held onto my waist keeping me steady.

I felt him nibble lightly on my bottom lip asking for entrance which of course I granted to him.

I felt his tongue brush against mine before mine responded and both of us began moving in sync.

We were actually quite often like this. Alone, in our own little world, appreciating each other's company.

I pulled away, leaving a kiss on his lips, cheeks and forehead, cupping his cheeks with both hands and smiling widely.

"I love you so much it hurts" I told him.

"I love you more baby. So much. I'm gonna marry you someday" He answered.

I couldn't even explain the amount of love I had for this man as I reconnected our lips, this kiss needier than the previous ones as I wasted no time in latching our tongues together and letting him create a steady pattern with his.

His finger trailed under my shirt, leaving a cold and tingling sensation on my waist as he continued whatever it was he was doing with his tongue.

He detached his lips from mine before quickly reattaching them on my ear, nibbling lightly on the lower part before moving down along my neck.

I let out a few ragged breaths as he began kissing and sucking lightly on my neck, his hands going up to my bra.

I let out a small whimper as he began sucking on a certain spot causing him to chuckle in satisfaction as he continued sucking on that same spot, applying a bit more pressure.

Meanwhile his hands palmed by breasts, covered by my bra. He squeezed on them making me involuntarily arch my back causing my hips to twitch forward.

A groan emitted from his lips as he began sucking on the exposed part of my collarbone, the only part my skin would allow him to.

"Let me just" he pulled away, hooking his fingers to my shirt before pulling it off.

"Gosh, you're beautiful. So beautiful baby" he latched his lips back onto my collarbone, more of it exposed with me now being topless.

He squeezed on my breasts again, rubbing on them as I let out a few barely audible moans mixed with whines.

He pulled away, pulling his shirt off in a swift motion as I indiscreetly stared at his body. His gorgeous muscles, his six pack abs, his tan skin, his chest, everything about him was absolutely magical, breathtaking.

"You're so fucking hot" I could feel my face heating up as he moved a strand of hair behind my ear, grinning, before cupping my face and pulling me into another kiss, this one sloppy as we were both simply desperate to feel more of each other.

He moved his hands back onto my hips, holding onto them as he guided them, moving them back and forth. I could feel my ass rutting against his growing erection and despite the layers of clothing I could feel the sensation on my core making me more and more wet by the minute.

He clearly wanted me to feel him as he let out a small groan, moving in the same rhythm as he moved my waist.

I pressed a few kisses on his neck before moving to his collarbone and sucking. I couldn't mark his neck or he would get in trouble but I freely let myself suck all over his beautiful collarbones, red marks decorating his skin as my hands roamed over his toned stomach.

"Ok baby.. um.. you're going kinda far now" he moaned, holding on to my face and pulling me away to look at him.

We had never gone this far, as I'd usually panic and he'd tell me it was okay and go take care of himself but after talking with Eric and Kevin I was convinced I could go through with it.

"Sorry" I apologized. If my skin weren't so dark, I'd be as red as a tomato.

"You don't need to apologize, I just don't want you to go further than you're ready to you know. I'm fine with what we do until you're ready" He whispered.

"I think I'm ready" I nodded at him. I was absolutely in love with him and I needed him right now.

"Are you sure baby" He asked, grabbing onto my hands and kissing both of them.

"I'm positive" I reassured him. He grinned. He was as virgin as I was and tried not to show how nervous he was when he trailed his finger upwards to the hook of my bra and unhooked it.

He easily pulled my bra off and stared at my exposed breasts, his breath hitching before he slowly moved his hands up and cupped them.

"Fuck baby" He groaned, moving his lips to them and kissing one, sucking on several spots leaving dark purple marks before taking a nipple in his mouth, swirling his tongue around it, sucking it and letting it go with a popping sound before moving to the other.

I let out a moan, gripping onto his hair as he sucked harder on this nipple, his teeth slightly grazing on them making me hiss in pleasure.

He let go and the cold air immediately hit them making me shiver.

He chuckled at my reaction, picking me up and flipping us over so he was hovering over me.

"I love you so much beautiful" he pecked my forehead then my lips as he intensely watched my fingers undo his belt, then his jeans buttons before he helped me remove his jeans completely.

The bulge in his pants looked much bigger as the only thing covering it was now his boxers.

The nervous feeling kicked in again but it wasn't enough to overtake the absolute neediness I felt for my boyfriend at this moment.

I slowly moved my hand to palm his erection earning the loudest groan I've heard from him all day.

I began rubbing my hands up and down his boxer hidden length while he hooked his fingers on my jean shorts and breathed a "fuck" before pulling them down along with my underwear.

"Fuck. Fucking hell. Baby" he dragged the last word, staring at my body, completely naked and only for his eyes.

He moved his hand along my thigh, trailing it upward and stopping just before my core.

I looked up at him, desperately wanting him to touch me as he reattached our lips.

"You're so fucking hot" Hyunjin let out, finally touching me where I wanted by tracing a finger on my slit.

"Look at you already so wet for me" He tugged on my bottom lip, easily slipping a finger in my heat causing me to groan.

"Hmm you like that babygirl?" he curled his finger slowly moving it in and out before adding another one.

"You're so wet for me baby, look at how easily my fingers fit" he spoke, barely audible as he continued thrusting in and out of me with his fingers, his thumbs going my clit and rubbing on it.

The scenario was giving me more pleasure than the actions itself. Hyunjin, almost fully naked, his lips on mine and his fingers fucking me. Hell it was straight out of one of those wet dreams I had.

I arched my back to give him more access as he continued what he was doing, his hand going back up to grab one breast and massage it.

"Please, I want you, so badly" I finally let out.

"Fuck babygirl if you keep speaking like that I'm not gonna last long" He groaned removing his fingers making me wince at the loss of contact.

He was now on his knees between my legs as he began removing his boxers revealing his very erect length.

My eyes widened at it, wondering how the hell it was supposed to fit. He seemed to have noticed my worrying because he quickly spoke up.

"Don't worry baby, it'll fit. Trust me" He said making me nod as he threw the boxers aside.

He lowered himself so that his face was inches away from my heat as I stared at him in confusion.

He began kissing my legs all the way up to my thighs where I was certain he left a hickey or two before his face was directly in front of my core, his hot breath sending shivers to my core.

"I've always wanted to taste you" he said, attaching his mouth to my clit. I let out the loudest squeal ever, feeling an insane amount of pleasure all at once.

He began circling his tongue around my clit and sucking on it making me a wriggling mess.

"Mm stop moving" he mumbled against me as he used a hand to push me down. My hands unconsciously went to the back of his head, pulling him closer as he made out with my clit.

"Please. Fuck please. Don't stop" I let out whatever word I could think of as I tried pushing his face against me even more as if to get more pressure.

He smirked, licking a long stripe on my heat before sticking his tongue where his fingers once were. The warm feeling of his tongue inside of me, exploring my inner walls, thrusting in and out of me was driving me crazy to the point where I couldn't think straight.

"I want you. Please. So badly" I told him. I wasn't one to beg but when I had my very sexy boyfriend naked in front of me, between my legs, begging was the least of my worries.

"Of course babygirl" He pulled away, grinning at me, his lips swollen and red and his face flushed with strands of his hair sticking to his forehead.

"Isn't this is your first time too" I asked him and it seemed to make his confidence falter for a while as he blushed and muttered a small "yeah".

"Let me take care of you too then" I spoke up, instructing him to sit against the dashboard of the bed again.

"You don't have to do this babe" "No I want to" I said positioning myself between his legs.

"I really have no idea what I'm doing" I told him, feeling slightly embarrassed.

"Just whatever feels right" He hissed when I grabbed hold of his member. I began stroking it, wrapping my hand fully around it and moving my hands up and down.

"Fuck.. yes like that baby" he moaned as I rubbed by finger on the tip of his cock, dragging it on the pink slit.

I out some spit on his length and rubbed it all around allowing me to move my hands faster.

"Fuckkk. Yes baby like that" He looked completely fucked out and absolutely breathtaking with his pupils dilated, his mouth slightly ajar and his eyes staring at me and what I was doing.

I finally took the tip in my mouth, continue my movement with my hands as I licked around the tip before hollowing my mouth and sucking on it.

I continue sucking, going deeper each time until I reached my limit. I made sure to not let my teeth get involved as I bobbed my head up and down his shaft.

"Ah I- I think I'm gonna come" he let out. I continued my actions, bobbing my head faster. Despite trying to control himself he began thrusting into my mouth, his cock twitching.

With a final thrust he released with a loud moan, eyes closed as he regained his breath. He opened his eyes to see me swallow the load he had just shot into my mouth.

"Fuck that's so hot" he ran a hand through his hair.

"You're so hot. You drive me completely crazy" He spoke in between breaths making me giggle.

"Can you keep going? Cuz I really need you right now" I rested my hands on his thighs and stared at him awaiting an answer.

"Fuck you really thought we were going to end things there?" He shook his head, making me smile as I laid on my back with him between my legs.

"Do you have a condom" He asked me, realizing he hadn't brought one.

"I'm on birth control" I answered simply, making him grin.

I had started taking the pills to control my period and the pain.

"Damn I just came and I'm already so hard again" He let out, rubbing the tip of his lenghth along my slit making both of us moan at the feeling.

He slowly inserted the tip making me hiss at the foreign feeling. Two fingers were nothing compared to his member.

"You okay babygirl" He asked. I nodded, giving him the pass to continue as he moved deeper inside until he was fully in and you couldn't see any of his member anymore.

"Fuck you're so tight. And warm. It feels so fucking good." He groaned, falling as if he were on cloud 9.

After the slight burning subsided I gave him the signal to start moving and so he did. He slowly moved out until only the tip remained inside of me before thrusting back in.

"Fuckkk Hyunjin" I moaned surprising myself and how loud and high pitched it was. But the sensation he had brought now was one I had never felt before.

"Say my name again babygirl" he repeated his actions as I moaned his name once more, fueling his ego.

"Fuck you're so tight but you take me so well. Don't you babygirl" he began gaining speed.

"Mmm only you Hyunjin" I replied, shutting my eyes closed and enjoying the feeling.

Hyunjin lifted one of my legs onto his shoulder and began thrusting even deeper than I had imagined was possible.

"FUCK- FUCK RIGHT THERE " I cried out as he hit a specific spot that sent a tingling feeling through my entire body.

He watched as my boobs bounced with every thrust, the scene making his release approach faster and faster.

Hyunjin bent down and began kissing me, messily as he continued thrusting, deeper and harder, always hitting the spot that had me going crazy.

"Fuck you're so hot Hyunjin. Fuck- fuck you're gonna make me come. You make me feel so fucking good" I cried as he moved to attack my jawline with kisses.

I could feel his cock twitching inside me and I could tell I was also close to releasing.

"So beautiful. All mine. Mmm you're all mine" he grabbed hold of both my hands, entangling them with his own as his thrusts began slowing down but he kept thrusting with the same intensity.

I felt my walls clenching around him more and more with each thrust.

"F-fuck Jin I'm gonna cum" I squeezed his hands tight as I reached my orgasm, my walls clenching around his cock as he came one again, inside of me.

"I love you so fucking much" He whispered, kissing my forehead before rolling over next to me.

"I love you too babe" I whispered, still trying to catch my breath.

"We need to clean ourselves" Hyunjin said making me nod.

"Wait here" He stood up towards the bathroom as I waited and after a few minutes he came back.

He picked me up bridal style making me giggle before taking me to the bathroom.

I smiled at him as I saw the bathtub ready. He put me down and I almost fell down, gripping onto his shoulder.

"Whoa baby, don't worry I got you" he said, holding me steady and helping me inside the tub.

"I'll be right back" he disappeared into the room for a few minutes before reappearing.

"I'm here" he climbed in the tub besides me, pulling me against him so that my back was against his chest.

He lovingly wrapped an arm around me while using the other to rub soothing circles on my thighs.

After a few kisses, a bunch of “I love you”s and actually washing ourselves clean, we went back to the bedroom where he had put on new sheets.

I smiled at him as he handed me a pair of underwear and his shirt to wear while grabbing a pair of sweatpants himself.

Yes, this was my house but it was full of his stuff as he often came over and even slept over.

"I'm glad this happened. I'm glad my first time was with you. With someone I love. It was absolutely amazing." Hyunjin told me, pulling me into his chest before we both fell asleep.

--------------- two days later -------------

"So you actually did it" Kevin asked in surprise and I nodded. Again if it weren't for the color of my skin I'd be as red as a tomato.

"Well, how was it" Eric asked right as Juyeon walked in the room.

"How was what" He asked sitting down beside us.

"She lost her virginity two days ago to Hyunjin" Eric told him, revealing my personal life as if it were nothing once again.

"Oh, congrats?" Juyeon laughed, giving me a small hug before speaking up again.

"Remember my offer still stands. If he ever hurts you I can kick his ass" Juyeon spoke making everyone in the room laugh.

"But really though, how was it" Eric spoke once again, not forgetting his original question.

"Um.. magical" I replied. It was simply magical. Better than I could've ever dreamed of.