#and yeah it happens like once or twice a week 🙃

[girlitfeelsgood]

At least once a fucking week I am jerked awake in a panic early in the morning, thinking the house is on fire or something, because a truck is making an extremely loud beeping noise while it's backing out of the street my house is on

[bishiglomper]

Wow I am so offended

Like, I am one of the most understanding, chill person you'd ever meet. If you cancel on me I'm usually relieved because it's a spoon for me too, y'know? If we only message eachother once in a blue moon I don't worry about it, I just also assume it's a spoon.

So this one friend, I only see her like twice a year at Christmas to exchange presents or go to a party at a restaurant. We keep talking about visiting each other but we hardly ever do..

So they like beetlejuice, they almost themed their wedding on it. Went as BJ and Lydia for Halloween. And her husband does an amazing keatlejuice impression and sent me a birthday message in character! And they know I love the musical and all so....

I told them how I won't go to our theater because I have beef with them. But the theater out of town has the special comfy recliners and asked if they'd like to see the new movie with me at it.

They said they'd love to. But don't know when because of husband's schedule. And she just went through cancer not too long ago and has a lot of pain issues, so of course I know how that all is.

I just said oh yeah just let me know becasei don't have a schedule. It was up to them.

....a week or two later she messaged me basically saying "hey i hope you got to see the movie! I've just been in so much pain I can't even bring myself to sit in a theatre"

First of all. No. You knew I was waiting for you. But i understand not being up to doing a movie.

So here's the fucked up part

The fam went to see beetlejuice tonight while I did laundry. Mom and I were gonna see it sometime later at the nice theater anyway.

This friend messaged me saying she saw the fam as they were leaving the theater. As in this friend just saw a movie. Then told me how much the seats hurt.

Well. I tried to take you to a comfy recliner. What happened to not being up to watching a movie?

Just.

What the fuck.

If you didn't want to go just tell me

Everyone is butthurty about this friend because she's kind of always like this and at this point I feel like I'm making excuses for her too...

But yeah I'm feeling a bit butthurt.

I don't know how I feel about this friendship rn because I'm still just like. "...WOW. Just, wow."

🙃

[leaveherwildliketheflowers]

Conversation with my therapist went like this:

T: We have had a lot of space between appointments this summer. How has that felt? Do you want to go back to a weekly cadence or do you think that it's better to space out our appointments going forward?

Me: Um, am I supposed to feel a certain way about that?

T: Well, yeah. You are in a different place than you were the last few years. You talk more in session than you used to. I know there are still things you don't bring up but you generally utilize your time better.

Me: .....

T: Think about it. We can discuss it more next week.

Y'all, I'm shook. This summer has been CRAZY with destination weddings, vacations, federal holidays and now being sick. As a result I saw T once from June 5th to today. I just assumed it was part of summer schedules and we would go back to our normal weekly cadence. Stepping down to once every 2 weeks wasn't even on my radar. Honestly, I feel like I'm just now adjusting from going from twice a week to once a week.

T is all in my head now though. Does she not think I need weekly therapy? Does she not have time for me in her schedule and this is her way of gently pushing me out of her case load? Is she just tired of working with me after 4+ years? Does she really think I'm ready to scale back on addressing my mental health?

Is this what happens if I make any sort of progress? I mean, in some ways I'm doing better. I have learned how to handle my grief with more success, though sometimes it still gets the best of me. My eating behaviors are under control at the moment. I'm generally being kind to my body. These are all the "safe" things that I talk to T about. At the same time I'm still really struggling in a lot of ways. My grief steam rolls me from time to time. My anxiety is the worst it's been in years, with frequent anxiety attacks happening at the moment. I'm still shit at recognizing and naming emotions, especially now that I have SO much distraction. These are things T knows and we have been talking about in the few sessions we have had this summer.

What T doesn't know is that I have been really, really struggling with suicidal ideation again. I haven't gotten myself to bring that up. I'm just not ready to address it, mostly because I don't know why it's back. I can't figure out why part of my brain is so desperate for an "out" right now, but it came on strong when I went back to work. Now I'm thinking, how in the hell do I bring this up without looking desperate for attention? Saying something now seems like I'm screaming, "I can't put more time between sessions, I'm constantly thinking about k*lling myself! Please don't leave me!" That really sounds pathetic doesn't it 🙃

Also, when I go long periods of time without therapy I block out my emotions because I don't have time to deal with them and without the accountability I won't make the time. Then when I realize, oh shit I'm finally accountable to report on how I'm doing, I panic and get flooded with it all at once. Then I spiral into an emotional panic or completely shut down and that's just not fun.

I'm probably over thinking this. Of course the logical thing would be to say all of this to T but I feel like I can't because any potential relationship conflict with her feels too scary. I really need her to be a safe place when I feel wanted, welcomed, seen and held. Normally I do feel that way with her but this simple conversation has triggered something inside of me. A child part that feels like once again we are being left to fend for ourself when all we desperately need is someone to sit with us in the dark while we cry. This little part is throwing an absolute fit because she is never understood or loved and she feels foolish for thinking anyone ever really cared. She feels abandoned.

Omg the fucking drama. All this mental gymnastics over one stupid question about how I want to spend my time and financial resources. Clearly I'm deeply insecure, I think everyone hates me, and I'm insane.