#and yeah i know reclaiming femininity as a trans person but idk

[vulcan-moon]

Please draw reigen in a dress, or seirzawa

or serizawa hmm,,, i'd draw reigen in serizawa, but i think tumblr's porn ban would have an issue with that 😔

[ivygorgon]

Ode to Trans Femmes

The first in a set of gender based playlists I made. It is meant to be listened to in order and on repeat. Some song choices may warrant explanation, analysis under the cut.

Ode to Trans Femmes song choice analysis

Man! I Feel Like A Woman!

Song by Shania Twain

To start positive; celebrates vital femininity.

Woman Up

Song by Meghan Trainor

Still celebrating vital femininity

Shea Diamond – American Pie

Frustration Arc

We take a step back to have frustrations about social barriers we face. This song is angry and desperate for the safe Americana enjoyed around it.

The Village

Song by Wrabel

Frustration Arc

This song validates those frustrations and says it isn't our fault. The system was built this way and we can grieve our lost place.

Twisted Transistor

Song by Korn

Frustration Arc

This song pulls from the same frustrations as American Pie and encourages us to celebrate the ways in which we cope, giving the example of music. (Huh, meta.)

Nine Days – Absolutely (Story of a Girl)

We just finished airing out a lot of feminine frustrations and highlighted rather bleak experiences. Here we're bringing them back up, complimenting their smiles and comforting them while they cry.

Steam Powered Giraffe - Transform

Transform pontificates on acceptance and peace but settles at being allowed to exist. (existential)

Alive

Song by Pearl Jam

Authentic Arc

Alive marks the beginning of the authentic arc. The song is about the invisible curse we might find we carry. The subject distances themself from the room they grew up in as "a young man's room" and goes on to describe an encounter with a woman that leaves them dissociated. I interpreted this as the earliest hints of self discovery.

IDK If I'm a Boy

Song by Blue Foster

Authentic Arc

This singer is describing how they relate their given masc identity to their innate feminine nature. They are trying on titles like shoes and grappling with not having femme passing privilege. They sound disoriented and directionless, but convinced that they've taken steps in their right direction.

The Middle

Song by Jimmy Eat World

Authentic Arc

This song replies to IDK if I'm a Boy's uncertainty for the future and tells the subject "not to write themselves of just yet" because the story is still being written. It also invalidates the opinions of the nay-sayers as bitter hearted.

GIRLI - Dysmorphia

Authentic Arc

Dysmorphia replies to The Middle's "disregard the haters, love your self harder" message with "Even if I do, I still have to come home to myself, and she isn't as nice as you."

Let Me Love You

Song by Kobra and the Lotus

Authentic Arc

The song Let Me Love You sees Dysmorphia's plea to acknowledge our inner pain, validate it, and, most of all, accept it, and replies with the unconditional love and support asked for. This song concludes the authentic arc saying: You're loved even still. You are worth protecting and you will never be alone.

This ends the structured part of the playlist

Just a Girl

Song by No Doubt

This song says, so what if I'm just a girl, I still have human rights. It expresses frustration with sexism and reclaims girl power

I love myself today Bif Naked

This song reads as a type of "break up" from yourself, your old definition of self that held you back. You're breaking up from the person whose shoes you are wearing, whose noose you're taking off.

Bad Reputation by Avril Lavigne

A conclusion to the playlist that is meant to impart the beauty, pride, and dignity being found in our messy experiences. Yeah, everything might be a mess right now, but you're YOU, and YOU'RE ALIVE, and you know what to do.

[lycandrophile]

TW/// im talking about homophobia in relation to your "submisive and breedable" comment

for me it has the same vibe as when like someone who is not a gay man or mlm in any way call any random gay guy a twink? + if the guy is clearly not a twink.

like its not bad enough to be called out and you know that if you say something along the line of "hey can people who are not gay men stop calling all of us twink/fruity/ the newly found derogatory term that was used for gay men of the week " you'll get like. tons of comment about how were dramatising and winning while theres so many other shit to care about and how we cant take a joke and all that.

but its so obvious that they're using fruity and twink as a replacement for f@g ??????

to bring it back to "submissive and breedable" in relation to trans men, for me it has the same vibe because when non gay men make these comment and homophobic "joke" they think they reinvented humor and are super inovative and are the peak of comedy, but really theyre just making the exact same joke as every other homophobic straight person and then they act surprised when gay men accept none of that shit?

sorry for rambling but its just like. cis people who make these joke on random trans men who never like. agreed to being part of it its not reclaiming shit or funny cause its just reducing us to like idk the Pressure Of Patriarchy or whatever. im not sure how to say it.

i guess my point is "when your joke have the same message (when its not word for word what they say) as joke and rethoric pushed by the oppressor of a group that you may be close too but not part of directly, how about you shut up cause its not funny"

yeah!! and that also brings up how cis people also weaponize twink against transmascs, often even if the person they’re talking about isn’t attracted to men, because “twink” specifically describes someone small and hairless - both traditionally feminine traits, making it a way to point out our feminine traits in a way that often feels like misgendering, like “you’d just call me a girl if you were brave enough to face the consequences of your actions”

basically, cis people need to stop using the Fun New Words™️ they discover to describe transmasc people because they have absolute shit judgement when it comes to if it’ll be an acceptable thing to call us

[ruthlesslistener]

do you ever think about how the western perspective of gender and gender identity is held up as the universal experience, to the point where queer people from completely different cultures are judged based on it? idk as a trans poc i was thinking about that recently and it made me sad cause you cant stop someone from imposing their belief systems onto you, but that also means your own belief system and conception of your gender might be warped too

Honestly anon I think about this shit a lot and every single goddamn time some shitty truscum or terf or transphobic asshole smugly brings up the western perspective of gender as if it’s some fucking gender bible, it raises my hackles. Because gender is a social construct, entirely a social construct; there is no right or wrong way to be trans and transphobia can come in all forms. For example, I’m half Iranian; I tried to come out as trans a couple years ago and instead of the big blowout fight I was expecting (like what’s depicted in the media), I just got calmly told that that was alright, but that I needed to come to terms with being female because ‘girls are better to have in families than boys’. I don’t get a choice in the matter; girls are more valued, and such I just ‘have to come to terms’ with what my father wants, because he is my parent and knows everything and tells me how to live, end of story. And I can’t speak for how your family treats you because I don’t know your own culture, but I think I can say that’s different than a good chunk of western transmasc experiences. Because in western gender perspectives, anything that is feminine is a bad thing, and people are expected to be independent and choose their own paths, so usually that affects how people treat trans folk. It leans more towards beating the ‘mental illness’ out of them with a bible than just shutting them down and forcing them to comply, and that leads to a different view of the Trans Experience and transphobia and dysphoria than others.

And I’m rambling a bit here but basically? Yeah everytime I see some white western person bitch about what it means to be trans, I get angry about it. Everytime someone implies that my perception on gender and what it means to be trans is wrong, I get even angrier about it. Because gender is a social construct and is tied intrinsically to your culture. Your perspective isn’t warped on it, my perspective on it isn’t warped, hell, their perspective isn’t really warped either, just their opinion on what they’re supposed to do about it. And it’s really, really shitty that that ‘real trans experience’ syndrome is a thing bc then it leeches into every aspect of mainstream trans identity and makes people less receptive to different cultural views on gender. Oh, you use pronouns different than he/him, she/her, and they/them? You must be mogai scum. Oh, you’re from a different culture and that’s part of your heritage that you’re reclaiming after white colonizers literally fucking tortured it out of your family? Not an excuse, it’s still ~different and therefore ~not valid. Different perspectives on gender are literally no more valid than the shitty broken male-female with a side dash of ‘weird folk’ binary that western folk like to use in their trans activism, and anyone who tells you otherwise aren’t just fucking racist, they’re also willfully ignorant about the nature of gender and gender identity

[briannafrostgirl]

1-25 cause i'm an asshole girlfriend XOX

Love you baby ❤️

1. what is your gender? Can I say Amazon?

2. what are your pronouns? she/her/hers

3. what is your gender presentation like? Hmm... IDK. I think I’m more of a femme, but my dress style is a little butch

4. what is your Gender Euphoria Outfit? Cute crop top and short shorts

5. what makes you feel validated? Being complimented on my hair, clothes, makeup, ect. Tbh, it doesn’t happen nearly enough and it really helps.

6. top five favorite parts of your body (n why you love them)? Hmm... my legs - I’ve always kind of liked the shape of them. My hair - it’s a mess a lot of the time, but it’s a beautiful mess. My lips - they’re probably my most feminine feature and I’m very fond of them. My eyes - don’t know why, just like em. Can I say my breasts? They’re really cute, lol

7. favorite trans meme/bit of trans humor? A few good options I can’t quite remember, but probably this:  https://samael.tumblr.com/post/146212141815/khatoblepas-there-they-are-the-two-genders

8. how did you pick your name? To be honest, i got it from a Lonely Hearts Club doll and then it became the name of my first Wizard101 character. Yes, I was that girl growing up. Then it was an account name/gamer tag. By the time it was time to pick a name, I kind of had always known what it should be.

9. what does your name mean? It’s celtic (like me lol) and it means strong. 

10. do you have any trans pride merch? A trans flag sports bra, a trans flag hat, and a trans flag shirt that I designed myself. I love them all very much

11. recent happy trans moment? This is pretty depressing, but I’m struggling to remember something very recent. I can remember a time a while ago where I was taking pictures of myself naked and I felt very feminine, so maybe that

12. favorite trans headcanon? Black Widow

13. favorite canon trans character? (alt: 2nd favorite trans headcanon?) Going with a 2nd headcannon because I keep not watching the few shows with good trans rep in favor of watching the same cis-centric shows and movies again and again, because I hate starting new shows.

I’ve been headcannoning Ryder from Mass Effect Andromeda as a trans woman for a while now, but lately I said fuck it and now Shepard’s trans too. Whoops ;)

14. favorite trans blog(s)/trans blogger(s)? Oh no! There’s so many!! Aaagh! I follow a lot of really amazing trans bloggers, so no shade at all to anyone not on this list. You’re all amazing and I value you all. 

Now, onto the list. I mean, obviously @sagaofsarahrose  ❤️ She’s incredible and if you’re not following her, you should be. @skylightsofmylife @latex-tiddettes @thefiresontheheight @casey-is-a-jazzpunk and @themaddahlia are all super cool folx who do lots of funny/inspiring/really fucking neat stuff. And like, a million other cool trans people I follow here and on Instagram (less than subtle instagram plug)

15. favorite trans celebrity? I have a soft spot for Teddy Geiger, cause a) my girlfriend loves her and b) I feel like I don’t see enough trans wlw rep in the little mainstream rep we do have, so it warms my heart to see her and her fiance so happy together. Also I just found out she co-wrote one of my favorite One Direction songs, so...

16. song that gives you Big Trans Feels? Can’t Trust the News and Lived a Life by Enter The Haggis 

17. something you wish you could tell your younger self? That being a girl is something you can just do. You don’t have to keep living like this just cause no one ever told you there’s another way. Like hell, that fucked me up so bad growing up. Cause I wanted to be a girl, but I didn’t think there was any way I could. Fuck...

18. what would your Ideal Fashion Look be? Somewhere between lesbian Irish farmhand and lesbian cowgirl. Lesbian

19. (how) does your gender relate to your sexuality? Hmm... kind of a hard one to answer TBH. I think I knew (subconsciously) that I was a lesbian before I knew that I was a woman. But, because at the time I thought I was a straight man, I didn’t feel great about how much I was interested in lesbians. Even now, as a lesbian myself, I still grapple with some guilt and shame when seeking out wlw content (something terfs do not help with in the slightest)

So I guess, I would say they’re intertwined. I don’t know what it would be like to have one without the other and I’m glad I don’t have to (no disrespect to cis lesbians or straight trans people, y’all are valid as fuck. I just personally am very happy with how my gender and sexuality intersect) 

20. do you have a comfort item? I have an emotional support mermaid. Does that count? Her name is Helena

21. what makes you feel euphoric? When my girlfriend says I’m beautiful ❤️/ any time I’m out w/ my mom or sister and some one says “you ladies”

22. what genre of media would you love to see more trans characters in? Superhero movies, video games, Disney princess movies, and Star Trek. Specifically as protagonists and love interests in all of those. Basically just all the things I enjoy (which are all coincidentally absurdly slow with any kind of LGBTQ rep)

23. claim something as trans culture. Someone else has probably done this, but D&D. D&D was one of my favorite things to do growing up, but I’ve only allowed myself to come back to it as a woman and sorta... reclaim it, I guess. So yeah, D&D is now a trans thing (tm) and everyone else has to ask our permission to play (but like, just don’t be a transphobic, queerphobic, homophbic, racist, ableist, sexist, exclusionist dick and we’ll probably let you in)

24. give some love to your trans friends/mutuals (alt: give some love to the trans community in general) Hmm.. I’m not entirely sure what this one means. But if you’re trans (offer not valid for transmeds cause why you gate-keeping? The cis (tm) don’t need our help babe) I love you  ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

25. what's your favorite part of being trans? Getting to be me

[zutaralesbian]

1-100

Ahhh thanks!

1. How do you define your sexuality? Lesbian. 100% gay. I only like women. 2. At what age did you first realize that you like girls? I didn’t full come terms with my sexuality until I was 20, but I first started realizing I was attracted to women at around 17 or 18. 3. How out are you? Pretty out? My family and most of my co-workers and friends know. I just don’t have a GF yet and I probably pass as straight from a first glance, so people don’t usually know unless I tell them. 4. At what age did you first come out? 205. Who was the first person you came out to? How did they take it? My mom. She took it well. And wasn’t really surprised. 6. Has coming out lost you any friends? Yeah, one. I’m over it now but it hurt at the time. :/7. What is your current relationship status? Single *sighs*8. How many gay friends do you have? Four 9. How many male friends do you have? Outside my family, only two lol. And only one of them is cishet. 10. Have you ever cut your hair super short? I used to have my hair short when I was a kid but it’s been long since middle school. I think I look better with long hair. 11. How often do you wear flannel? Never. I feel like I should start wearing it though12. How much do you like cats? I LOVE CATS13. Do you like skirts and dresses?: Once in a while. I’m usually a strictly jeans person but i’ll wear a skirt or dress for special occasions. 14. Do you like high heels? Nope15. Do you have any tattoos? If so, how many and where? None yet. But I kind of want to get one one day. 16. How accurate is your gaydar? It’s shit lol17. Have you ever been to a gay bar or a gay club? Not yet18. How do you feel when platonic female friends refer to each other as girlfriends? It’s kind of annoying but I don’t really get heated about it? Mainly because I don’t think the people who do it actually mean any harm. 19. Have you ever had a crush on a straight girl? All I do is get crushes on straight girls lol :(20. Ellen or Portia? Ellen21. Is your nose pierced? Nope22 Would you ever want to get married? Yes I do. One day23. Will you wear a dress for your wedding? Probably 24. Would you ever want to give birth? I kind of want to do it once just so I can experience the whole pregnancy thing. But I probably won’t want to do it twice. 25. Have you ever watched The L Word? No. And I probably won’t, with the things I heard about it. 26. Have you ever dated a guy? I had a really brief relationship with one in high school27. How do you feel when someone uses the word gay to mean stupid, dumb, or boring? It makes me uncomfortable. I usually try to correct people when I hear it. 28. How many rainbow items do you own? One bracelet 29. Have you ever been to a pride festival? Yep! I went to my first last June months ago. 30. Have you ever celebrated National Coming Out Day (October 11)? Not yet. (Besides tweeting about it anyway)31. Have you ever participated in the National Day of Silence? Yes32. Have you ever worn a woman’s suit? No33. Have you ever worn any men’s clothing? No34. Do you eat meat? Yes35. Do you consider yourself a feminist? Yes of course 36. Who is your favorite LGBT celebrity? Samira Wiley 37. Are you religious at all? Not really. I identify as Agnostic. 38. How often do you find yourself trying to sneak a peak or staring at a cute female? Pretty often39. What is your ideal first date? Dinner or lunch at a restaurant. I like being able to talk to people on a first date. 40. Are you comfortable with terms such as lezzie, lesbo, or dyke? I’m okay with lezzie and lesbo (as long as it isn’t spoken in a malicious way or by a straight person) but I don’t like dyke. I’m obviously okay with other lesbians reclaiming it but I personally would rather not. 41. How outdoorsy are you? Not at all lol. I’m very much a diva in that sense. I need a clean bathroom and shower. And I hate dirt and bugs. 42. In general, has being out affected your relationships with other females? It hasn’t really effected how they interact with me, but I tend to be more cautious around women now, especially if they know i’m gay. Idk :/ I’ve only been out about my sexuality for about a year now so it’s just going to take some getting used to. 43. How much makeup do you typically wear? I wear it once in a while when i’m going to a large gathering or event of some kind. But I hardly ever wear it during an average day. And even then it’s usually pretty light makeup. 44. Have you ever been in a long distance relationship?45. Are you more feminine or more masculine? I have some tom boyish traits but I think i’m definitely a little more feminine than I am masculine. 46. How long is the longest relationship you’ve been in? Are you still with that person?47. Have you and a girlfriend ever been mistaken for sisters?48. Do you think it is possible for someone to truly be a 50/50 bisexual, or is the percentage always skewed in favor of one gender? I’m not bi so it’s not really my place to answer but if someone says they’re 50/50, they’re 50/50. Not my business. 49. Have you ever wished you were completely straight? Sometimes. My dating life was already a mess because of my anxiety but now I feel like being a lesbian is going to make it even harder to find a partner. But realizing that it’s what I am has also been more freeing too, because I no longer feel pressured to date someone I don’t want to date. 50. Do you watch any lesbian YouTubers? I don’t really watch YouTube in general, aside from occasional fan videos and randomness. 51. Do you like wearing combat boots or Doc Martins? Nah52. Have you ever been hit on by another female? There’s this girl at work who I feel like flirts with me but at the same time, i’m not sure because i’m shit at being able to tell lol. I also went on a date once, so there was some flirting there. 53. How athletic are you? Not at all lol54. How many girlfriends have you had? Zero :(55. What is your opinion of septum/bull nose piercings? They’re not my thing but some girls can pull them off56. What does equality mean to you? Equal rights for everyone 57. If you are not a full blown lesbian, about what percentage of the time do you find yourself attracted to other females? I’m a full blown lesbian58. Have you ever shared clothes with a girlfriend?59. Have you ever liked or dated a girl with the same name as you?60. How flirty are you? Not very, I don’t think. I try to be though lol61. Are you a virgin? Yes62. Do you listen to any LGBT musicians such as Tegan and Sara, Melissa Etheridge, or Chely Wright? No. But maybe i’ll check them out!63. Have you ever been told that you are too pretty to be gay? No64. Have you ever been discriminated against because of your sexuality? If so, please explain. Not on a personal level 65. Have you ever driven an SUV or a pickup truck? I hardly ever drive in general lol66. Are you or have you ever been a tomboy? I was definitely a tomboy as a kid. I’ve gotten more feminine as I got older but some of the traits remain.   67. Agree or disagree: Everyone is at least a little bit gay. Idk68. What personality trait are you most attracted to? Kindness. I just like genuinely nice people, especially with how much meanness there is in the world.  69. Boobs or butts? Boobs70. Beer or wine? I don’t drink alcohol very often, but wine. Beer is gross71. Do you have a favorite lesbian movie? I haven’t see any yet 72. From 1-10, how attractive are muscular women? 1073. From 1-10, how attractive are women who wear glasses? 1074. From 1-10, how attractive are women who are covered with tattoos? 1075. From 1-10, how attractive are curvy/plus-size women? 1076. From 1-10, how attractive are women with short hair? 1077. From 1-10, how attractive are masculine butch women? 1078. From 1-10, how attractive are highly intelligent women? 10079. From 1-10, how attractive are tall women (i.e. around 6 feet or taller)? 1080. Have you ever been on your period the same time as a girlfriend?81. Has a girl ever dumped you for a guy?82. Do you carry a purse? Yes 83. Do you have any LGBT relatives? Yep. One of my cousins is also a lesbian84. Have you ever pretended to be completely straight? Once in a while to complete strangers 85. Would you ever date a trans girl? Sure, if we liked each other86. How well do you think LGBT women are portrayed in television? We don’t get portrayed often enough. And when we do, there’s usually very minimal effort put into it :/ (PS: Watch Black Sails everyone!)87. Have you ever had a crush on a woman who’s much older than you? Yes88. Do you have any celebrity crushes? Samira Wiley, Ellen Page, Emmy Rossum, Adelaide Kane, Jessica Parker Kennedy  89. Do you have any opinions on LGBT people in the military? Don’t really have an opinion, other than that they should obviously be allowed to be in it. 90. Do you believe in love at first sight? No91. Would you ever have a threesome? If so, would a guy be included? Nope, ESPECIALLY not with a guy. I’m a strictly one-person girl. 92. Where do you think is the best place to meet a potential lover? Don’t really think there is a specific place. But then again, what do I know? Lol93. Is there such a thing as “good” lesbian porn? If there is, I haven’t heard of it. (Good as in: made my wlw FOR wlw)94. Have you ever had a one night stand? No95. How often do you wear a bra? All the time unless i’m in bed. It’s weird, but I feel kind of exposed without it. I also have big boobs, so not wearing one while i’m moving around can get a little uncomfortable. 96. Have you ever been part of a softball team? When I was really little. I sucked at it though lol97. If you could live your life all over again, would you still be attracted to other women? Yes. There’s some insecurities that I still have to work past but I overall love being a lesbian. 98. What stereotype about LGBT women do you disagree with the most? Not sure 99. What advice would you give a girl who is struggling to figure out her sexuality? Take your time and not to worry too much about it. It also helps to ask other LGBT+ about their experiences. 100. What advice would you give a girl who is struggling to come out? The same as above, pretty much. But also that their safety is more important than being “out”, if they live in a dangerous home environment. 

[lostmyurl]

This is a personal post about my own identity, about some realizations I have long since been coming to, something I need to get out and organize and get off my chest, so please don't come here with any generalizing comments, or about how I'm generalizing people. This is me, my experience, my dysphoria, my life. If you want to reblog or leave a comment or something, or inbox me, or something, you're more than free to, just please, please realize that this is about a post me and my self-image alone. As a kid, I always wanted to be a scout. Always. I never did, though. We only had Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts back in Texas, and in Poland, too. Idk. It just didn't sit right with me to be included in "oh, just girls here" or "oh, just boys here." I don't like gender-separated areas, and I never did, even if I didn't know why it put me off so much. I mean, I guess I didn't know when I was that young that it was dysphoria speaking up? But as I got older, and I started to hit puberty, shit just started getting a LOT worse. I had a period of time where I decided, nope, you're DEFINITELY a cis girl, I wore so much pink it was bizarre and outrageous. I like the color still, just… I feel bad because I associate it with that period of time really intensely. So I can't wear it at all or I just… hm. It's a shame, really. It's such a nice color. But it's just tied to so many memories of trying to wipe out anything I felt that didn't fit. After that, it was a period of 'so what the fuck are you?' Anybody who knew me about two years ago knew I kept changing my mind, trying to figure out what was going on because nothing felt right. A friend had to suggest it, if maybe I wasn't just imagining things/had low self esteem/was gnc, and really, for the longest time, I wondered if I was a closeted trans boy. But while being addressed as "he" helped, it didn't feel right, either. It was SO LONG until I realized that what actually felt right wasn't the decision to use "he" or "she," it was the actual moment of hesitation, the fact that I was presenting androgynously enough for it to be unclear. It's… still really really frustrating and muddled, but I've figured out enough about reading testimonies from trans people to know that what I'm experiencing is definitely a combination of dysphoria and euphoria. Here's the thing, though. There's a distinct line between nonbinary and gender-nonconforming (gnc). Being gnc would mean that I wouldn't feel uncomfortable or wrong when somebody used a set of binary pronouns for me in accordance with my assigned sex, or even the one across the binary. You can be gnc and cis, or gnc and binary trans, and one doesn't preclude the other. And neither of those means nonbinary. It's an identity that's… okay. TMI, I guess, but ideally? In a world of people who identify as men and women, I'd like to inspect my own body, go on a character selection screen, and remove all primary and secondary sex characteristics traditionally thought of as belonging to binary genders. Penis? Wrong. Vagina? Wrong. Boobs? Wrong. Facial hair? Wrong. Hourglass figure? Wrong. "Dorito" figure? Wrong. Et cetera. Et cetera. I'd like to be freed from all of those and I don't know why it's weighing on me so heavily. Delete, delete, delete, even if it meant leaving me a near-featureless default doll. Before anybody accuses me of hating people, I don't mind any of those traits on anybody else. This is my own body I'm talking about, a truly personal experience and an idealized dream. In dreams, I am occasionally perceived as male, rarely as female. Regardless, whenever I can remember, I have always been "other" in my dreams. You know- like on multiple choice exams, 'A,' 'B,' 'C,' 'D,' 'none of the above is correct'? Like that. I first learned that nonbinary genders were a thing from a classmate. Pejoratively. Like they were other, lesser, freaks. "What do you mean, neither? You can't be neither." It was religious studies class, that I remember. Of course, that wasn't the word they used. It was "homo-niewiadomo," a partially reclaimed slur that literally translates to "homo-who knows really" and doesn't just refer to gay people but any people falling under the queer umbrella as a whole. I was torn between "what???" and this kind of "that's a thing?" My next experience was on tumblr. I met a wonderful person who actually lives in my city. We've met nowadays. Years later. I was a kid then, maybe 15? 16? They said… I don't remember what it was. Gender-questioning? Something like that? I didn't pretend to understand, not yet, but I wanted to know more. All this sounds like I've had a lot of influence, but really, so much of it was based on introspection, questioning, doubting. Yeah, self-harm happened, too, whether by actually drawing blood or intentionally forcing myself to embrace hyperfemininity or by pushing myself to the point where I can't wear a color I love because it has all those negative associations with things I did to myself, things I said, trying to cut off unwieldy and inconvenient parts of my personality and decide I'm "moving on." I did the same thing about being autistic, about being ADD, and I look back on that now and realize that all I was doing was ensuring both my mental health and my physical health suffered. And my grades. Those dropped too. Performance in all respects. I ruined a lot of friendships that way. I guess some of that is a behavior learned from my parents. Forbid anything that's not productive or conductive to school that you're too "dependent" on. It's… really the worst fragment of their parenting (I think it's how they approach themselves, too) I could've possibly internalized. And something that disappeared basically overnight as soon as I was old enough to point out it wasn't actually helping, it was hurting. Now it's just there in my head, eating at me. They're not bad people. They're not bad parents. They treat us like human beings, instead of like enemies to trap in a maze of "because I said so" and arbitrary obstacles, like so many fakey-nice perfect suburban American families I've seen. They're learning, too, their home lives weren't perfect and they're not prepared to deal with a neurodivergent (not "normal") kid at ALL. They're always so confused about how "brilliant" I am and how I have trouble with "easy" stuff, about how I get overwhelmed with too much input. About how no, exposing me to that input doesn't help, it just increases the chances of a grown adult having to lock themselves in a dark room bawling into a pillow because it's /too much/. The truth is, I don't know. I know that what I need to alleviate dysphoria is basically impossible. That unlike a binary trans person I do not have the possibility to transition and eventually attain the body I identify with. This is why I can't go back to the Bible Belt, or attend a super-religious school I might've gotten a good scholarship from. I can't. If I had to go back to all that, to dressing up and doing makeup and "girl talk" and asserting over and over and over that I am like you, I am like you, I am like you, I would lose my sense of identity completely. What fragile sense I've even built up for myself. A person I can be now, somebody I almost like. Not quite, but almost. It's progress. So much progress. I'd go back to hating myself for not being like you, yes, of course I'm crushing on a boy, oh, yes, absolutely, please help me look more feminine more often, I'm just a clueless tomboy who doesn't know what she's missing :) :) :) If you're a girl who loves engaging in typically feminine activity, I support you and your interests, as I would if you were anybody else and your interests didn't hurt anybody. But it's not for me, and honestly, it's silly, but so many of my nightmares involve people turning on me and deciding they'll help me look more like I'm supposed to, be like I'm supposed to. "You have such a beautiful woman's body! Don't throw it all away!" you can have it you can have it you can HAVE it please take everything, take the horrible breasts, take the horrible curves and the horrible cinched waist and the awful "delicate features" right off my face. I don't want these. I can't be grateful for something that I look in the mirror and I feel can't belong to me, it shouldn't. It's wrong. That's not me. Please don't tell me "you're a pretty girl, you should appreciate it," don't tell me I'd like it more if I wore more skirts, I promise, I TRIED that. I did. I tried all the possible ways of loving myself and embracing a female identity in both gender-role-conforming ways and not. It doesn't work. It's like a software patch called "gender" was installed in almost everybody's brains except my own. All I'm left with is extraneous hardware that acts as malware without the driver patch. In a way, though, things are looking up. I've managed to figure out a thousand and one ways to avoid the entire (gendered) past tense in the language I speak at home. I've figured out a thousand more ways to avoid revealing, I've learned to see when I'm succeeding and when I've slipped up, when their eyes shine in triumph and they finally use binary pronouns without asking. Would it be so hard to ask? I'm not even sure what I'd say except "thank you." It's only happened once to my face without snark and it was the best thing I'd ever heard. I blew it. I wasn't expecting it. I shrugged and said "whichever you please" because I got so flustered, I didn't know how to respond. It was unexpected. It was wonderful. I should've said "neither, really." I could've said "I'd prefer not to say." If I hadn't been speaking Polish, I would have asked for “they.” Maybe. If I had the guts. "Whichever you please" was a step in the right direction though… right? This post doesn't have a point. Not really. Just laying some stuff out in text because they finally make sense that way. If you want to send hate, save it for other posts, okay? Have a shred of dignity and comment on posts tagged discourse, or posts in which I express an opinion about something that isn't this introspective.

[alwaysyourqueen]

all the even questions :)

Sorry for the delay!

1. How do you define your sexuality?I'm am lesbean


2. At what age did you first realize that you like girls?like 11 maybe

3. At what age did you first come out?????? I don't remember


4. Who was the first person you came out to? How did they take it?I don't remember

5. How out are you?Out almost everywhere, just not really my parents


6. Has coming out lost you any friends?
I don't think so

7. What is your current relationship status?Taken ❤️❤️❤️


8. How many LGBT friends do you have?Most of my friends are LGBT


9. Do you have any LGBT relatives?None as far as I know


10. Have you ever cut your hair super short?Yes


11. How often do you wear flannel?Not often I don't own many


12. How much do you like cats?I love love love cats


13. Do you wear skirts and dresses? If so, how often?Not often, but I do wear them


14. Do you wear high heels? If so, how often?I do, but not often. Usually borrowed.


15. Do you have any tattoos? If so, what of and where?Not yet.


16. How accurate is your gaydar?Pretty accurate. Usually I don’t use my gaydar unless it’s someone I personally know, and I have a pretty good sense usually.


17. Have you ever been to a gay bar or a gay club?I’m underage so no.


18. How do you feel when platonic female friends refer to each other as girlfriends?
Like a punch in the gut.

19. Have you ever had a crush on a straight girl?
Hahahahahahahahahaahahahahahaha yes.

20. Ellen or Portia?How dare you


21. Is your nose pierced?
Nope

22. Would you ever want to get married, if not already?YES


23. Will you wear a dress for your wedding?
idk maybe?

24. Would you ever want to give birth?I’ve thought about it. Maybe.


25. Have you ever watched The L Word?Nope


26. Have you ever dated a guy?
Nah

27. How do you feel when someone uses the word gay to mean stupid, dumb, or boring?Like I’m in physical pain


28. How many rainbow items do you own?Not enough


29. Have you ever been to a pride festival?
Nope

30. Have you ever celebrated National Coming Out Day (October 11)?Not yet. Maybe this will be the year


31. Have you ever participated in the National Day of Silence?
No, I haven’t been able to

32. Have you ever worn a woman’s suit?
Not yet

33. Have you ever worn any men’s clothing?Ye, but not a lot of it or obviously


34. Do you eat meat?
Yes

35. Do you consider yourself a feminist?Absolutely


36. Who is your favorite LGBT celebrity?Maybe Hayley Kiyoko?


37. Are you religious at all?Atheist through and through


38. How often do you find yourself trying to sneak a peak or staring at a cute female?I look at cute girls a lot even though my girlfriend is the cutest girl


39. What is your ideal first date?
Mmm probably going out to eat together, then maybe seeing a movie or a show or taking a walk together, then sitting down at one of our houses and eating ice cream/some other dessert

40. Are you comfortable with terms such as lezzie, lesbo, dyke, or tranny?
I can’t reclaim tr*nny because I’m not a trans woman, but I’m okay with lesbo, lezzie, and dyke so long as it’s lesbians saying it. No one else can use them.

41. How outdoorsy are you?Not very at all.


42. In general, has being open about your sexuality affected your relationships with other females?
Some people have become less comfortable with me.

43. How much makeup do you typically wear?none


44. Have you ever attended a gay or lesbian wedding?Not as far as I can remember


45. Are you more feminine or more masculine?idk?? Feminine I suppose


46. How long is the longest relationship you’ve been in? Are you still with that person?
A year or so, and no.

47. Have you and a girlfriend ever been mistaken for sisters?
I don’t think so, but we might’ve come close

48. Do you think it is possible for someone to truly be a 50/50 bisexual, or is the percentage always skewed in favor of one gender?
I think that it’s possible but also entirely their decision

49. Have you ever wished you were completely straight?
Yes

50. Do you watch any LGBT YouTubers?No I don’t watch youtube


51. Do you wear any combat boots, Doc Martins, or Timberlands?I want combat boots


52. Have you ever been hit on by another female?
yes

53. How athletic are you?Not very? I am trying to exercise


54. What are your views on gender identity and bathroom use?
People can identify however they want as long as it’s not things like “gay for men trans woman” or “lesbian trans man” bc that’s gross, but like ? as long as it’s not terf-y or truscum-y then people can identify how they like. And as long as I can pee in peace I don’t care who’s in the same restroom

55. What is your opinion of septum/bull nose piercings?More power to you, but it’s not for me


56. What does equality mean to you?
People being treated equally and inequalities being actively looked at and changed

57. If you are not a lesbian, about what percentage of the time do you find yourself attracted to other females?
I am a lesbian

58. Have you ever shared clothes with a girlfriend?No


59. Have you ever liked or dated a girl with the same name as you?No


60. How flirty are you?Not very


61. Are you a virgin?Yes


62. Do you listen to any LGBT musicians (i.e. Tegan & Sara, Melissa Ehteridge, Chely Wright, Elton John, Sam Smith, George Michael, Adam Lambert)?
I listen to Hayley Kiyoko and I’ve probably listened to other gay artists but idk I don’t listen to music much

63. Have you ever been told that you are too pretty to be gay?
No

64. Have you ever been discriminated against because of your sexuality or gender identity? If so, please explain.No because I mostly keep it under wraps (at least up until recently)

65. Have you ever driven an SUV, Jeep, or a pickup truck?
Nope

66. Are you or have you ever been a tomboy?Yeah


67. Agree or disagree: Everyone is at least a little bit gay.
Disagree. A lot of people experience internalized homophobia and don’t realize their real identity, but some people are just plainly straight

68. What personality trait are you most attracted to?
Willingness to share interests

69. Boobs or butts?Beautiful women


70. Beer or wine?Hate both


71. Do you have a favorite lesbian movie?Bend It Like Beckham was gay and you can’t tell me otherwise


72. From 1-10, how attractive are muscular women?
73. From 1-10, how attractive are women who wear glasses?74. From 1-10, how attractive are women who are covered with tattoos?
75. From 1-10, how attractive are curvy/plus-size women?76. From 1-10, how attractive are women with short hair?
77. From 1-10, how attractive are masculine butch women?78. From 1-10, how attractive are highly intelligent women?
79. From 1-10, how attractive are tall women (i.e. around 6 feet or taller)?For all of the above, 10. I love women.


80. Have you ever been on your period the same time as a girlfriend?
Not that I can think of

81. Has a girl ever dumped you for a guy?
Not as far as I know

82. Do you carry a purse?
yes

83. Has anyone ever told you that you look gay (i.e. like a lesbian)?I don’t remember if so


84. Have you ever pretended to be completely straight?
Yes

85. Would you ever date a trans girl?
I am dating one right now

86. How well do you think LGBT women are portrayed on television?Badly


87. Have you ever had a crush on a woman who’s much older than you?
Y E S

88. Do you have any celebrity crushes?
Not that I can think of

89. Do you have any opinions on LGBT people in the military?
They have the same issues as anyone else in the military as well as homophobia/biphobia/transphobia/etc.

90. Do you believe in love at first sight?I believe in infatuation at first sight


91. Do you know what the Dinah Shore Weekend is? If so, have you ever been?No

92. Where do you think is the best place to meet a potential lover?Uhh as a lesbian: the internet


93. Is there such a thing as “good” lesbian porn?
Don’t know don’t care (except on the level of supporting lesbian sex workers)

94. Have you ever had a one night stand?No


95. How often do you wear a bra?
Every day

96. Have you ever been part of a softball team?Nope


97. If you could live your life all over again, would you still be attracted to other women?Hell fucking yeah


98. What stereotype about LGBT women do you disagree with the most?
That they are angry and violent towards men just because they are men

99. What advice would you give a girl who is struggling to figure out her sexuality?Take your time. There’s all the time in the world to figure out who you are.


100. What advice would you give a girl who is struggling to come out?Come out a little at a time. Maybe not first to your parents, maybe not casually mentioning it. Maybe mention it first to your best friend. Then some other friends. Then one parent. Then the other. And these can be months or years apart. Take it slow and do what you’re comfortable doing.