#and woke up at 6 am because that's when my alarm goes off

[nemo-of-house-hamartia]

Goddamnit I need a coffee

[syoish-aot]

"I Found You" - EREN/READER - REVERSE ISEKAI (part 5)

reverse isekai, time travel, memory loss

post canon (ish)

reader/eren

word count: 2450

<- PART 4 | PART 6 ->

*****

When Eren was fifteen he didn’t know much about love.

He did know that he had a fierce desire to protect. To save. To help, not just his friends, but all of humanity regain the freedom taken from them by the titans.

He also knew that Mikasa’s hair was very soft.

That her eyes were pretty.

That her skin looked warm.

That her lips, often hidden under the red scarf he had wrapped around her when they were children, distracted him from conversation more times than he could count.

But there was never time. 

The more they learned about the world- and the more Eren learned about himself in turn- the more that their lack of time became obvious to him.

He told himself it was for the better than he never told her how he felt. That he never properly answered her question:

“What am I to you, Eren?” She asked him the night when they stood on the hill just outside of Liberio.  What am I? She was everything to him, is what he wanted to say; but- “you’re family,” is what he said instead.

Because he knew, Eren knew, that in that lifetime they would never have enough time to be together.

So, when he woke up in a new lifetime, his first thought was that maybe-... maybe this was his chance. 

But, when he opened his eyes,

it wasn’t Mikasa that he saw…

…when he opened his eyes,

all he saw was you.

*****

5 Years Ago

“I think I get why these men are on here.” You told your coworker, Mina, as the two of you leaned against the counter, your phone between you as you idly flipped through Hinge casting judgment on every man you saw.

“Why’s that?” Mina asked.

“Well, here’s my theory.” Tired of the mindless scrolling, you slide your phone into your back pocket and grab a marker from the lip of the register. You uncap it and begin doodling on a cup. “Men on dating apps are there because they give off such ick that they can’t meet women in person without setting off alarm bells, so apps are their only option.”

Mina shrugged. “Okay, so why are the women on there?”

“I dunno,” you replied with a snort, “why does anyone go to a zoo?”

“That’s kinda judgmental.” A customer, who appeared seemingly out of thin air, says at the counter.

“Jesus christ-” You jump and the sharpie in your hand goes flying toward him at a perfect angle to run a black streak straight across his shirt.

“Oh my god!” Your hands fly up to cover your mouth as your eyes widen. “I’m so, so, so sorry! Um- uh-” You glance around for a microfiber cloth (which normally makes your skin crawl to touch, but you can’t think about that right now). You quickly run the microfiber (ew) cloth under the sink. “Here!” You reach across the counter to press it to the front of his shirt. “Maybe it’ll um-” It does nothing. “Uh…” You try again. “O-Okay just…” That’s when you finally look up at him.

You figured you looked pretty pathetic, leaning over the counter and uselessly dabbing his shirt to get permanent marker out of polyester (spoiler alert: that doesn’t work and it never will).

So you’re pathetic.

And he’s gorgeous. 

The universe must have it out for you. Seriously have it out for you because- …holy shit. 

The first thing you notice are his eyes. A stunning composition that reminds you of the night sky on a full moon- swirling blues and greens beautifully illuminated with flecks of golden stars. 

And then his messy-on-purpose brown hair, half tied up in a bun with a few tasteful strands falling against his forehead.

His flawless skin.

His sharp cheekbones.

His adorable nose and-

And his smile.

Woah.

It’s a real “knees weak, arms spaghetti” moment for you ((made even more embarrassing by the fact that the first thing you think is “knees weak, arms spaghetti” but that’s where your mind goes and you’ll keep that secret with you until the day you die)).

“I don’t think that’s working.” He tells you as he gently grabs your wrist and guides your hand away. 

“Yeah um-” You clear your throat and drop the cloth to the counter, quickly standing back on the floor as your cheeks burn pink and you nervously look over his ruined shirt. “I really am sorry I could um- I could buy you a new one?”

“Eh,” he shrugs. “It’s old anyway.”

But it doesn’t look old.

Still, you’re too embarrassed to question him.

“Free coffee?” You offer instead.

He smiles again and you refuse to think about knees and spaghetti for the second time.

“Alright, “he laughs, “free coffee sounds good.”

Dammit.

Knees and spaghetti it is.

*****

He’s back the next day.

And the day after that.

And the day after that.

You think that maybe he’s new in the area and just happens to be the type of guy who likes a consistent schedule, if anything that makes you respect him; but sometimes you wishfully hope it’s because of… something else.

“If you ruin my shirt again, will this one be free too?” He jokes on the fourth visit as you had him a semi-sweet iced coffee.

“Yeah, but you have to sneak up on me or it’s not authentic.” You tease back.

*****

You learn things about him every time he comes in.

First, it’s his name: Eren.

Eren.

And god, now that you know it you spend a stupid amount of time pausing on those ‘roll for the first letter of your soul mate’s name’ tiktoks. At least you have the decency to not post them (except for that one time you accidentally did).

You find out he’s also attending university. That he’s an English major but school is making him lose motivation to write.

You find out his favourite colour is red.

That he’s never lived anywhere but the city.

That his friends are more important to him than anything, and he’s known them for most of his life. 

And then, a month after you meet, you find out something else…

“So,” you say, five minutes to closing as you wipe down the counter and Eren finishes off a donut you’d given him for free instead of throwing out. He has a habit of showing up when you’re closing. You aren’t sure if it’s because he has a night class or if he just likes the free pastries. Or maybe there’s a completely different reason entirely.

“So…?” He asks, when you don’t finish the thought (you’d gotten distracted by the way he was licking icing off his fingers).

You clear your throat and look down at the counter. “Why was I being judgmental?”

“Oh, because not everyone that’s in a frat is just there for the parties. My friend Reiner says he-”

“No not about that,” although maybe your opinions on frat boys are based on a stereotype and that’s deserving of its own conversation entirely, “I mean about the dating app thing.”

“What dating app thing?” He asks as his eyebrows momentarily tighten together with a scowl. It’s an expression he wears a lot and it always makes you laugh.

“The first thing you said to me!” You exclaim. “Mina and I were talking about dating apps and you said I was being judgmental. Honestly, I feel like it was the worst first impression ever.”

“Nah, the bad impression part was when you were feeling me up like three seconds later.”

“I-” Your cheeks burn bright red. “I was not feeling you up!”

Eren throws his head back and laughs.

You toss your microfiber (ew) towel at him and it lands smack in the middle of his face. 

Eren’s still snickering as he leans down to pick it up from the floor. “I said you were being judgmental because you were.”

“Elaborate, please.”

“Well,” he stands back up, cloth now in hand, “there are some genuine people on dating apps just looking for connections.”

You roll your eyes. “Yeah, but it’s all- it’s so fake. How many times can I repeat the same: ‘Hi, how are you.’ ‘I’m good, how are you’ ‘Good. What do you do for work?’ ‘I work at this shitty café and there’s a regular that’s constantly patronizing me to try to get free food. What about you?’.” You let out a short sigh. “If people actually want to get to know each other, they should-”

Your rant comes to a quick end when Eren stops in front of you.

He’s closer than he normally stands, so you immediately notice the flecks of gold in his eyes. The last time you were this close to him, you’d been frantically rubbing sharpie out of his shirt but now-

Now you’re- you’re just standing there…

Just close.

So close that you might have forgotten how to breathe.

“Some people have to meet that way.” He says, softer than normal, but maybe it’s just because you’re close enough that he doesn’t have to speak loudly to be heard.

“...huh?”

Eren snickers. Your heart hammers. He keeps talking: “Some people,” he elaborates, “have trouble getting dates any other way.”

“Wh-” You clear your throat as it constricts, “Why’s that?”

For the first time, you see him blush.

You notice the confidence he normally wears come crashing down.

He looks away.

“Because some people are… pretty shit at asking people out.”

You jump as the cloth he’d picked up meets your hand.

And this time, it’s not even because of the gross sensation of microfiber.

*****

Eren gets over it, apparently, because 6 days later he shows up at your work right before close.

“No free muffins today, sorry.” You immediately tell him.

“It’s fine.” He replies and you can’t help but notice the way he awkwardly shifts his weight from one foot to the other, completely avoiding your eyes as he does it.

“Um… Eren?”

“Yep?”

You snicker. “Are you ok-”

“Do you wanna go out?”

Your breath catches. “...what?”

“With me. Now. Or- Or in like five minutes when you’re off. Unless you have to stay late tonight because the place is a mess. I can wait around though. Or we can go another day I just-”

“Are you asking me on a date?”

“I-...” Eren sighs, but he finds a way to smile through his embarrassment. “Don’t laugh you’ll-... you’ll hurt my ego.”

So you don’t laugh.

Instead, you say yes.

*****

You have a casual first date, just dinner at a local pub.

Your second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth date (although you start losing count towards the end) pass just as casually.

It’s comfortable. Relaxing. There’s no overly awkward tension between the two of you and you slip into a natural rhythm.

Your first kiss is in the park on campus.

You bring him day-old donuts any chance you get.

You meet his best friends and they quickly become your best friends too.

A year passes, you say “I love you”.

Another year passes, you both graduate.

By the third year you’re dating, you move in together.

By the fourth, you can’t imagine life without him.

And by the fifth year you’re dating, you have a feeling that it’s for life.

“Think he’ll propose?” Mikasa’s staticky voice comes through the speaker of your phone. You press said phone harder against your ear out of the embarrassment that Eren might somehow hear you from the kitchen. 

“I- I dunno. Maybe.” You answer, nervously nibbling your bottom lip as you watch your boyfriend from over the back of the couch. He’s in the kitchen making dinner. Shirtless, because he’s an idiot that doesn’t care about getting hot chicken oil on his chest.

‘Sluts can’t get third-degree burns, babe.’ He always tells you.

‘Then commit to the bit and lose the pants too.’ You always joke back.

He doesn’t, for the record. Apparently, he’s okay with hot oil on his tiddies, but his dick and balls are a different story.

“Would you say yes?” Mikasa’s voice cuts through your thoughts. 

You let out a short laugh. “Obviously.”

“Maybe he’ll do it tomorrow.”

“Pfft, that’d be tacky. Tomorrow is Niccolo’s big day, not ours.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s right.” You can hear Mikasa’s yawn through the phone.

“You sound exhausted,” you tell her, “don’t you have to get up early to catch your flight?”

“Yeah, but my hotel is lonely.”

You laugh. “Wanna talk to Eren before bed?”

“Sure. He’ll get mad if I don’t.”

You pull the phone away from your ear. “Eren!” You hold out the phone to him. “Mikasa wants to say goodnight.”

“Can you come stir?” He asks.

You pull yourself off the couch and step up to him in the kitchen, trading him your phone for the spatula. 

He kisses your cheek before pressing the phone to his ear.

“Okay, so did you see the new episode?” He asks as he walks into the living room. “NO FUCKING WAY YOU DID NOT CALL IT!!”

You roll your eyes as the two of them start their passionate back and forth about the latest episode of whatever show they’re both watching.

*****

That night, after a plate of spaghetti, a shared bottle of wine, and a decent amount of time doing R-rated activities that start in the living room but finish in the bedroom; you end up with your arms around Eren’s waist and your face buried between his bare shoulders.

He likes to be the little spoon, even though he’ll deny it to your friends.

But you don’t mind. It means you can pinch his nipples if he says something sassy before falling asleep.

You smile and nuzzle your face into his back.

He smells like Eren.

Nothing distinct about it that you can put a name to.

It’s just Eren and you love it.

You smile as you think about how perfect your life is. Your career is going well, you have an apartment with an amazing view, and you’re dating the love of your life. 

You wouldn’t change a single thing.

“I love you.” You mumble before placing a kiss on Eren’s shoulder.

“...that’s so fucking gay…” He mumbles back.

He yelps when you pinch his nipple, but afterward, he laughs.

Afterwards, he grabs your hand in his (mostly to keep his nipples safe from continued attacks) and pulls it up to his lips.

He kisses the back of your hand firmly.

Then softly.

Then firmly again.

“Love you too,” Eren tells you.

And the lights don’t need to be on for you to know that he’s smiling. 

You just know he is, because you’re smiling too. 

[sugarandspisces-writes]

Dating Melissa Schemmenti Pt. I

Pairing: Melissa Schemmenti x reader

Summary: Just a few sweet scenarios outlining what it would be like to date Melissa.

Word Count: 1.5k

A/N: Hello! This is my first time writing for Melissa. Hopefully you enjoy. Let me know if you'd like a part 2!

Early Mornings

For Melissa, teaching at a school came with the joy of waking up bright and early. Some days she even had to be awake before the sun came up. How she dreaded those days. While she enjoyed the days she was able to sleep in, she had become accustomed to being an early riser, so it didn’t bother her too much.

You, on the other hand, were not an early bird. No one could pay you to be up and out before 10 AM. Well, someone could pay you, but the price had to be right. You only woke up early if you absolutely had to, or if it was beneficial for your well-being.

So, when Melissa's alarm goes off at 6 o’clock sharp every morning, Monday through Friday, you do not appreciate it. At all. As a result, you always tried to keep her in bed for as long as you possibly could.

Your mornings usually went a little something like this: 

She’d wake up and press little kisses to the back of your neck while wrapping her arms tight around your waist. This was her signal to you that she wasn’t fully awake, but she was getting there. Due to this, you knew you had at least a few more minutes left with her. Once her second alarm went off, or her third depending on the day, she’d attempt to untangle her limbs from yours. This would lead you to let out a groan of disapproval. You would muster the energy to hold onto her tighter, in hopes that she’d stay in bed just a little bit longer. “Mmm,” she’d hum at the feeling. “I gotta get up, hon.” She would say in her raspy morning voice. “I know, but you’re so warm.” You’d whine as you tried to nuzzle further into her. “I'm sorry,” she’d say before placing a couple of kisses on your cheek. “Can’t be late.”  She would give you one last squeeze which was followed by her getting out of bed.

You’d lay in bed for a few more minutes while listening to her move around the room as she got ready for the day. Eventually, you would get up by the time she made her way to the kitchen. You’d complete your morning routine while she made her coffee and you usually made it to the kitchen in time before she left. She’d greet you with a hug and a kiss and if you were lucky, you’d be able to sneak a couple sips of her coffee before she noticed (by the way, she definitely noticed, but she never said anything). You always gave each other another hug, a couple kisses, and an exchange of sweet words to get each other through the day before parting ways. Your little ritual always left you feeling overwhelmed with love — in the best way possible, of course. You’d wake up early for her any day of the week. She always made it worth your while.

Lots of Affection

When you first met Melissa, you didn’t suspect that she would be as affectionate as she was. Due to her tough exterior, she often came across as standoffish and impersonal to those who didn’t know her. However, if you took the time to get to know her, you’d see that she was pleasant to be around. She didn’t confide in just anyone, and you had to prove yourself if you wanted to gain her trust. If she trusted you, you were special. You considered yourself extra special because she trusted you enough to let you see her soft side. At first, you were only allowed to catch little glimpses into the sweeter side of her. You knew she wouldn’t shed the hard exterior all at once, but she could only hold out on you for so long. Absolutely nothing compared to her affection, and she surpassed every expectation that you had for her.

In the beginning, she only seemed comfortable with light touches. She would brush her hand against yours whenever you handed something to her, or she’d give you a pat on the back and let her hand rest there for a moment before retreating. To her, there was something special about the intimacy of feeling the weight of a lingering touch, even after it went away. Most of the time, she would catch you off-guard with these gestures. She enjoyed seeing the (not so) subtle ways in which you reacted. It amused her to watch your poor attempts at holding back a smile or pretending you weren’t slightly flustered.

Over time, light touches progressed to more grand gestures like hand-holding, kissing, and cuddling. Holding hands was such a simple form of affection, but you both loved it. She wasn’t a big fan of PDA, but holding hands was an exception. It was a silent way of saying “I’m here” or “I’ve got you”. If she ever got worked up over a situation, you’d reach for her hand because you knew it instantly calmed her. You would intertwine your fingers with hers and it was almost like an automatic reset would occur. She often said she felt like her hands were made to hold yours, and you thought that was the sweetest thing you’d ever heard. 

Cuddling was your personal favorite pastime. There was something truly satisfying about being wrapped up in Melissa’s arms. In your mind, nothing compared to the genuine safety you felt whenever she held you. You were known to snuggle up with her at any given moment, and she would always allow you to seek comfort from her. Initially, Melissa wasn’t too fond of cuddling. Even though she loved physical touch, she always complained that it made her way too hot. That was until she realized how much she enjoyed cuddling with you. She found that her favorite thing to do (especially after a rough day) was to come home and have you curl up in her arms. She loved having you sit with your back to her chest and her chin resting in the curve of your neck, so she could place kisses along your jawline. She would debrief you about the events of her day and no matter how good or bad things had gone, her only focus in those moments was you.

Kissing Melissa was an experience that you could only categorize, for lack of a better term, as magical. She was never hesitant to kiss you, and she didn’t have a preference. It didn’t matter to her if it was a kiss on the lips, your cheek, your neck, your nose, or your entire face. Either way, she was going to give you all the kisses. Your favorite types of kisses were the passionate ones that left you both breathless. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” You’d ask with a nervous laugh as you glanced up at her. You could feel her intense gaze on you from all the way across the room. She’d steadily walk over to you and stand impossibly close. So close that you could feel the warmth from every breath she took. So close that you could see every line on her face and every eyelash on her eyes as she peered into yours. Your breath would catch in your throat as her hand came around to rest on the small of your back to close any gaps between the two of you. She’d lean in and brush her lips against yours, not quite touching them together. Just enough to leave you wanting more. “‘Cause I really wanna kiss you right now.” She’d say against your mouth before her lips widened into a smile. “Then kiss me.” You’d say, smiling back at her. Her pillow-soft lips would come into contact with yours, making your eyelids flutter closed. The kiss would be gentle, yet filled with so much passion that it almost made you want to cry.

Pet Names

Melissa was known for dropping the occasional “hon” in casual conversations. That word was naturally part of her dialect, but she used it a little differently when it came to you. You found that her tone was lighter and the look in her eyes was softer whenever she called you cute names. She knew what you liked to be called, and she always knew what to say, and do, to make you feel special.

“Hey, hon.” She’d say as she greeted you in the evenings after work. She would envelop you in a hug and speak the words softly into your ear.  “Thank you, sweetheart.” Was her reply when you complimented her hair and makeup or her outfit. Your words would leave her with a smile that reached her eyes and in return, she would cup her hand against your cheek and give you a kiss. “What’s the matter, gorgeous?” The question would hang in the air for a few moments as you tried to string an answer together. You’d look up to find her already gazing at you intently with her chin resting in her palms. Green eyes staring back at yours saying every emotion her mouth wasn’t. She’d bring one of her hands down and reach out to grab yours. You’d meet her halfway and once she grasped you, she would glide her thumb across the back of your hand and give you a light squeeze letting you know your feelings were safe with her.

Next Chapter

[wintersoldiersoul]

Hi.

Saw you are taking requests.

I got shingles the weekend close to my birthday, i confuse it with allergy because i am allergic to basically anything and then on my 24th birthday i got that it was actually shingles, doctor told me that my immune system went down and that is why i got it. Before that i was under so much stress because of work that i developed burn out and had to quit my job (literally spent months, weeks of my life visiting the emergency ward because i kept getting sick due to stress and burn out) probably that Triggered the shingles.

Could you write something with Bucky in which the reader suffers similar sh**? I just need comfort from my fave character 😭

If you dont feel comfortable is fine, i understand 😁

KUDOS!

I'm so sorry you went through that! I hope you are much better now. I tried to make this as medically accurate as possible (I texted my friend in med school LOL) but I am definitely not a doctor so if some stuff isn't accurate, just pretend it is.

You threw your hair up into a ponytail to get it out of your face. Hours slumped over at your desk weren't doing any favors. You grabbed the energy drink and chugged it to prevent your eyes from closing. You were almost done with this assignment. Just a little bit longer, you told yourself. 

Working full time and being a grad student was taking a toll on you. You spent every day from 9-5 in your office and every night from 6-10 in classes. You crammed homework in anywhere you could, which often meant staying up most of the night. It was approaching 4am, now. 

The office door creaked open and Bucky strolled in, sleep still filling his eyes. “Baby,” he sighed. “Come to bed.” He had woken up and the bed was cold without you beside him. He walked over to you, kissing your forehead.

“Can’t,” you mumbled without looking up from your computer.

“You gotta get some sleep, darlin’.”

You sneezed, still typing away. “I’m fi-” your words were interrupted by another sneeze.

Bucky stood, looking at you with a stern expression. “Well look at that. You’re getting sick.” 

You waved your hand. “No, I’m not. It’s just allergies,” you said, sniffling. “You know this time of year is bad.” The past few months, you had been sick on and off multiple times. A cold, a small fever, you were sick more than you weren’t. 

“Honey, please just get some sleep. You haven’t slept in days.” He was practically begging. He knew how much stress you were under and getting no sleep wasn’t going to help. He was extremely worried about you.

“Just give me 10 more minutes, okay?” You compromised.

“Fine. But I’m sitting right here and setting a timer. The second it goes off, I’m carrying you to bed.”

He did exactly that, throwing you over his shoulder when you didn’t get up immediately at the ring of his phone. Despite the intense amounts of caffeine you had consumed, you fell asleep the second your head hit the pillow.

Bucky woke up before you the next morning, smiling at your sleeping form. Your hair was sprawled over your face and he gently pushed it away to kiss your cheek. But as soon as he moved the strands, he noticed that your cheeks were flushed. He put the back of his flesh hand on your skin. Heat radiated off of your face before he even touched you. You were definitely sick.

He got up, being careful not to wake you. He left the bedroom returning a few minutes later with water, Advil, and a thermometer. You groaned as your alarm rang, sending shooting pains into your skull. You groaned, opening your eyes. You felt like absolute shit. Your whole body ached, your throat was on fire, and even your skin hurt.

“You’re sick.” Bucky stated, as if he was informing you.

“Yeah, I can tell,” you retorted, wincing at the pain in every cell of your body. He smiled softly, brushing your hair behind your ears. 

“I got you some water and Advil. Can I take your temperature, doll?”

You nodded and he put the thermometer under your tongue. He looked it, eyes widening. “Shit baby, that’s not good. Your temp is 102.8. How do you feel?”

“Horrible,” you pouted.

He sighed. “I’m not surprised. That’s a really high fever, baby. I think we should go to the doctor.”

You groaned, not wanting to move. You felt so horrible that the thought of having to get up and out of bed was a nightmare. You felt like you couldn’t stay awake, eyes closing no matter how hard you tried to keep them open. “Can’t move,” you whispered, coughing slightly. “My whole body hurts so much. Just wanna sleep.”

Bucky didn’t know what to do. In his mind, sickness meant calling a doctor. He had spent so many years worrying about Steve back in the 40s, sitting with him while he got looked at. He still wasn’t used to how things were today. The google search he did on his phone told him that if your fever went above 103, to take you to the hospital. In his opinion, you were close enough that he wanted to rush you there right now, but he could see how exhausted you were.

“Alright, rest for now. But if it gets worse we’re going to the hospital.” You didn’t even hear him as you had already fallen back to sleep.

You woke up in a daze, cold sweat clinging to your body. You were shivering aggressively, shaking the entire bed. “Babe?” Bucky said, noticing you were awake. “You cold?”

You nodded, teeth chattering. He quickly grabbed you another blanket, wrapping you up like a burrito. He wrapped his arms around you, hoping that his body heat would help, too. One of the major perks of dating a super soldier was that the chances of getting him sick were very slim. He held you as close as possible, trying to keep you warm. “Oh, honey,” he whispered, voice dripping with sympathy.

 “Can you take your temperature again for me?” He asked after your shivering had subsided a little bit. You put the thermometer back in your mouth, waiting for the beep. Bucky took it from you, heart stopping as he looked. “I know you don’t wanna move, but we gotta go to the ER. You’re at 103.6. That’s really really bad.”

You groaned. You felt so horrible, his words barely even registered in your mind. He picked you up and carried you to the car, whispering words of encouragement along the way. You closed your eyes again, finding it physically impossible to stay awake. Bucky held your hand the entire car ride before picking you up and carrying you into the ER. He let you sleep as you waited, positioning your head on his shoulder. He constantly watched you to make sure you were still breathing. He didn’t wanna wake you until he absolutely had to.

When you were finally called in, he shook you gently. “Can you walk?” He asked. You weakly nodded and he helped you to your feet letting you lean on his body as you went to the exam room.

The doctor hooked you up to an IV immediately to hydrate your sick body as they examined you.

“How have you been sleeping?” She asked you.

“Um, not great,” you answered, voice sounding raspy. “I’ve been under a lot of stress.”

“She hasn’t slept in a week,” Bucky interjected. “She’s been getting sick a lot these past few months since she started grad school.”

The doctor nodded. “Okay that’s very good to know.” She proceeded to ask you a few more questions and then said, “Did you have chicken-pox as a kid?”

You nodded. “Yeah. When I was 5.”

She carefully rolled up your shirt, revealing a rash on your side. “It looks like you have shingles. The stress you’ve been under seems to have weakened your immune system which is why you’ve been getting sick so much. It makes sense that with all of that the virus would come back now.”

Bucky held your hand. He was relieved that you had a diagnosis but of course he was terrified. Back in his time, that would have been a death sentence. “Is she gonna be okay?”

“I’ll be fine, Buck,” you answered. 

“Yes,” the doctor agreed. “We’re gonna keep her here for at least tonight because your fever is so high. But you will be okay.”

Bucky exhaled. “Oh, thank god.”

“Can I go to sleep now?” You asked the doctor. You were so exhausted.

“Yes. I’ll let you rest,” she smiled before leaving the room.

“I’m so sorry you feel so shitty,” Bucky said, holding your hand. “Will this make you take it easy?”

“I don’t know what I can do to change anything,” you said with tear filled eyes. “Literally the only time I have to get things done is in the middle of the night.”

He looked into your eyes. He wanted to help you so badly that his heart ached. He wanted you to be happy and healthy. “What if you quit your job?” He suggested. “You only took this as a temporary thing anyway. I know you don’t wanna stay there when you’re done with school.”

“I can’t not have a job, Bucky,” you argued.

“Baby,” he looked in your eyes. “Do you have any clue how much the Avengers pay me?” He smirked. “Trust me, you don’t need a job.” You opened your mouth to argue, ready to tell him that you didn’t need his money. “I know you’re your own person and you can make your own money. And one day, with that brain, you will make so much all on your own. But baby, you’re drowning. You’ve been sick more days than not the past few months. Please, let me take care of you. Just for a bit. I’d never tell you what to do and if you really wanna stay, you can. But you’re killing yourself, darling. And I can’t just sit back and watch as it happens. Just think about it. Please.”

You lazily smiled. “Okay. I’ll think about it. But not right now. Right now, I need to sleep.”

He stroked your hair and kissed your forehead. “Go to sleep, my love. I’ll be right here when you wake up.” 

[bebsibby]

The Top Surgery Log

Hello! I got top surgery yesterday! I want to catalogue my experience so I can remember it and provide some insight for people who want it but haven't gotten it yet. I will continue to update this post as my healing goes on. Everything under the read more!

Leading Up

My insurance is with Kaiser which has been an AWESOME experience so far. They do require a therapist letter, so no informed consent, but the process was very simple and there were a lot of people dedicated to getting me what I needed.

I had about 3 therapist meetings where she just asked me questions about my experience with gender and how my transition has gone so far, my support network, can I afford it, etc. Then she wrote my letter, sent it off to the surgical team, and I was approved within a few days!

After that I had my very first consult with the surgeon. He took pictures, did a breast exam, asked about general health and family health history, then gave me a little presentation of the process. It had post up photos of prior patients, a lot of explanations of the types of surgeries available that he does, and a lot of good information in general. He answered a lot of my questions and made me feel fully confident and prepared for the experience.

Also important to note: I told him the surgery I had been wanting ever since I started doing top surgery research was Inverted-T and I was curious of he knew of it/why that WASN'T an option they offered. He explained everything to me and showed me what he expected my results to look like if I DID want to go to a different surgeon outside of Kaiser. Said surgeon does NOT accept insurance, but would work with the insurance side of things to make sure they would reimburse for the expenses. I really appreciate that because it showed me they wanted to do get exactly what I wanted.

Based on all of that, I decided to just opt for Double Incision both to save me time and get a result that was aesthetically more pleasing to me. Loss of nipple sensation is unfortunate, but apparently IT only has the potential to bring a little sensation back, which wasn't worth all the extra hoop jumping for me.

After this consult, my surgeon told me to think about everything then email him a few days later with my decision. I did and then a few days later got my call to schedule. I got to pick my date but not the time of day, as I would later learn that's decided by the hospital and not me. Once my surgery was scheduled, another pre-op appointment was scheduled about a month before the surgery date. That appointment was very short, as it was just signing consent forms and confirming everything I wanted. He also gave me a packet of supplies I needed to get before the surgery.

After that, I'd occasionally receive emails with more pre-op instructions, like when to stop eating and drinking, showering instructions, when to stop certain medication, and how to care for my drains.

The Surgery

The day before surgery I had initially planned to do all of the last minute housework and leave for the surgery the next morning. HOWEVER, when I got my call to tell me the time, it turns I had to be there by 6 AM! The surgery center is over an hour away from me and the bus my wife and I were going to take didn't run that early, so we had to scramble to make other plans. Luckily the friend who was going to drive us back home was cool with us crashing on his floor for the night, so we were able to do the most important things at home then take the bus down the day before.

Once we were all set up for the night, I did the first cleaning routine that I was required to do, set my alarm, then tried to sleep. I didn't get much due to Hard Floor and also excited but that wasn't a biggie because I'd be sleeping again soon LOL.

Next morning I woke up, did my second skin cleansing, and we headed out! I checked in, waited a little in the waiting room, then got called back to start.

Everyone who was working with me was SUPER funny and kind. I got asked more questions, signed another form, took some pre-med tylenol, them stripped to switch into my gown, bonnet, and grippy socks (Got to keep those btw :>) My IV got put in my wrist which REALLY fucking hurt!!!!!! It never stopped aching. After that, the surgeon popped in to check on me and see if I had any questions, then they wheeled me in to the operating room.

I had gotten another premed via IV that was already making me tired, and I remember the last thing being the surgeon saying what to do with my removed tissue once he was done and I was gone!

The surgery itself lasted around four hours, but all I remember is waking up and seeing my wife and friend sitting at the foot of the bed. I said hi to them and that was apparently third time I had said it. I had been up and talking to them for awhile all loopy but also becoming suddenly very serious when talking with the nurses. I've had a few surgeries but I've NEVER been this way after so that was funny. The nurse had also been giving ME all of the postop discharge info and I don't remember it so thats unfortunate! I only remember her talking about the drains. I had to read it all again when I got home but it was all good.

Once I was awake enough, they wheel-chaired me down to my friends car, packed us all up and we headed back home. I napped about half the time but still kept my eyes closed when i was awake and talking bc my vision was still FUCKED and it was so bright out. We got home, I was lead inside, and that was that pretty much! I napped several more times, nibbled on some roast beef, emptied my drains (which made me very woozy, mostly due to the standing) and went to bed!

After Surgery

Day one! I woke up a few times in the night mainly to go to the bathroom, but slept REAL deep otherwise. It rained all night which was awesome. I woke up feeling very achy but not painful except for my throat. Those ET tubes are NOT easy on your body. Took all my meds, got out of bed eventually, and had cup ramen for breakfast. Now I'm just sitting on the couch with all my computer stuff moved from my desk to where I'm sitting. I got a long hdmi cable so I can just watch stuff on the big TV so I'm pretty set up!

My wife just brought me some cookies and overall I'm just feeling really good. Not really excited or emotional about it. Its just a very warm contented feeling.

I don't know what my chest looks like yet since my post-op binder got put on while i was still out, but everything gets removed next week! I'll probably update again after that appointment.

Feel free to ask specific questions! I'll be resting most of the time so I'll just be around!

[ladykailitha]

If I Rescue You, Will You Rescue Me, Too? Part 14

Hey guys, I meant to put this up this morning but I wanted to give the finale of What Do Shovels Dig? Graves a chance to shine before I put out this next part.

I am such a Steve has an abusive father and a neglectful mother fan. It’s like my bread and butter when it comes to Steve’s parents. Only Allison Harrington put her designer clad foot down and said, “No!” There was even a point that I thought about not having this part in the story at all. But I realized that this is where Eddie starts to rescue Steve and Steve’s mother had to be a part of that.

Also, also! I think it would be absolutely hilarious if in the last episode we get to see Steve’s parents and they’re both former 80s darlings and heartthrobs. My vote is on Ally Sheedy and Rob Lowe. Because they LOOK they could be Steve’s parents.

Anyway, enjoy!

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13

*

Robin cornered him in his bedroom. “You cannot leave anything out!”

Steve laughed. “You were right. He was interested.”

She hit him. “That was more than just interest! He said he loved you.”

“Did you miss the part I said I love him first?” Steve said, shaking his head.

“Don’t think you’re off the hook for that!” she squealed. “I want a play by play for what happened.”

So Steve told her everything.

“He said he loved you first?” Robin asked. “I knew he was flirting with you! Didn’t I say?”

Steve laughed. “I already admitted it. What more do you want?”

“I still can’t believe you got a boyfriend before I got a girlfriend,” she whined.

Steve grinned. “I told you I had game.”

Robin’s face twisted in disgust. “That’s gross.”

Steve laid down on his bed on his stomach, and propped himself on his elbows. “I didn’t know it could feel this way. It’s so much different than when I was with Nancy.”

Robin sat down next to him and curled her hand in his hair. “I would imagine that some of it is because it’s a guy, some of it being Eddie and some of it just being new all around.”

Steve nodded. “Am I rushing this?”

Robin thought for a moment. “I’m not going to lie. Probably a little. But when you both survived something you shouldn’t have, it’s a little hard not see why you wouldn’t want to jump in with both feet. Just as long as you know how far deep it goes, I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

Steve rolled over on his back and flung out his arms. “Just being with him feels me with a warmth I didn’t know I was missing. Which is not to say I don’t love you or the kids or anything like that. What you and I have is special. No doubt about that. But this is special in a different way.”

She laid down next to him and he wrapped her in his arms. “I think you finally found what you were looking for.”

He hummed curiously.

“Remember when I said we should combine because you didn’t know what you were looking for but had all the moves and I had zero moves but knew what I wanted?”

He nodded. “Ahh.”

Robin scoffed. “Now I just need to steal your moves.”

“I don’t think taking Vicki to a Metallica concert is going to cut it,” Steve teased.

Robin lurched up and grabbed his pillow. She began hitting him with it as he fended her off laughing hysterically.

She suddenly stopped. “Maybe not a concert, but I could take her somewhere fun and see if she gets the message.”

Steve smiled. “See? There you go.”

She settled back down into his arms. “I am happy for you, you know.”

“I do know,” he murmured.

They fell asleep like that, still dressed in each other’s arms.

*

Steve wakes to the phone ringing. He almost decided to to let it ring when through the fog of sleep the memory that Eddie was going to call pierces through and he’s immediately scrambling over Robin to answer the phone.

“Hello?”

“Steven, is that anyway to greet your father!” came the sharp voice on the other end.

Steve looked over at his alarm clock and frowned. It was barely after seven in the morning.

“Sorry, Dad,” he said. “The phone woke me up.”

“Lazing about on a week day?” Mr Harrington snapped. “I raised you better than that!”

“Dad...” Steve groaned. “I know the hospital called you. Sleep is something that happens when you’ve been hurt. Plus, it’s just after seven. My work doesn’t open until ten, I get up at eight.”

Robin looked at him nervously chewing on her thumb.

Mr  Harrington harrumphed. “I suppose so. But that’s not why I’m calling.”

Steve sighed. “What’s up? Are you and Mom okay?”

“We’re fine,” Mr Harrington said. “We heard about the earthquake and we’re coming home.”

Steve’s eyebrows shot up and Robin squeaked.

“Is there someone with you, Steven?” Mr Harrington asked.

Steve gulped, trying to force down the bile that had risen in his throat. “Just my co-worker. They stayed the night so we could drive into work together.”

“I wish you would get a girl and settle down, Steven,” Mr Harrington complained. “You mother wants grandchildren.”

“I–I...” he stammered, looking over at Robin for support. “I’m seeing someone right now, but I’m still barely a teenager. I’m not in any rush to get married.”

Robin gave him a thumbs up.

Mr Harrington sighed. “I suppose young boys do need to sow their wild oats somewhere. We’ll be home this weekend. Please make sure the house is spotless, won’t you?”

“Sure thing, Dad.” And then he hung up.

“Fuck. I should have known my luck would run out.”

Robin tilted her head to the side. “Not necessarily.”

“What do you mean?” Steve asked, scrambling to get up.

“If you’re anything like the rest of us,” Robin explained waving her hands, “you were given hush money over all the shit that went down.”

Steve frowned. “I mean I guess so. I never really thought about it.”

“The reason I still have to work to make ends meet is because I’m still under eighteen. I don’t get access to it until then.”

Steve’s frown deepened. “I mean when my dad said he cut me off and that I had to go get a job, I never even thought about the money that was mine. Usually I would just cash my check and keep it all in cash. Nothing went into savings because I didn’t trust my dad not to take it.”

“I think you need to call your bank and find out exactly how much money you do have,” she said.

He nodded. “I like the idea of having more money than I thought but how does this help me out of having my parents come home this weekend?”

Robin grinned.

*

Steve had to admit it was a sound plan. And it turned out that he had quite a lot. As in over three hundred thousand dollars a lot.

Played right and Steve would never have to work a day in his life if he didn’t want to. It was quite the eye-opener.

He sat down with a financial planner and got things setup properly and away from his dad’s hands. And then moved all but the visible belongings out of his room and into storage.

Steve had even timed it so that neighbors though that he was donating stuff to the aid instead of moving. He kept his clothes, but had two unzipped suitcases under his bed in case he needed to pack in a hurry.

All this while working, volunteering, and looking for a place to live. A lot people offered their house, Eddie and Robin included. Which Steve loved. And they would make great temporary places to bunk down if he needed to bail fast. But he wanted his own place too.

So Eddie and Robin would take him house hunting. Yep. A house. Steve had the money and it wasn’t as though he could leave while the kids and Eddie still needed him.

They hadn’t found a place yet by the time his parents came home, but that was to be expected.

As soon as his parents walked through the door Steve knew that having an escape plan in place was a good idea. Because immediately his mother went flying toward him.

“Steven!” she cooed. “What on earth happened to your neck?”

Steve took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He opened them slowly. “As the doctor would have told you had you bothered to answer or return his call, I was attacked by feral animals and was almost torn to pieces.” He lift the front of his shirt to show the gauze still covering the ginormous gash in his side.

Mrs Harrington gasped and even Mr Harrington looked surprised.

Steve lowered his shirt. “That’s not including the road rash on back from when they dragged me across the ground,” he continued. “Or the many concussions I’ve had over the years. Or any number of injuries that I have suffered and you never bothered to come home for.”

Mrs Harrington turned to her husband and slowly advanced on him. “Why wasn’t I told about any of this?”

Steve’s eyebrows shot up. Okay, he hadn’t been expecting that. He had assumed that she knew, too and didn’t care. But even from behind Steve could tell she was pissed. Her back was rigid, her shoulders were squared and every step she took toward her husband was like a tiger stalking its prey.

And that right there was why Steve put his mother down as a reference and not his dad. His dad was a blowhard. His mother? Was a badass former district attorney and was still respected in the community.

Mr Harrington was digging the hole deeper for himself. “I figured it was just some jumped up doctor looking to milk us for all its worth.”

Mrs Harrington stopped moving toward him and let out a slowly angry breath. She whirled around. “When is your next doctor’s appointment, Steven?”

Steve blinked for a moment. “Next Tuesday? They want to make sure nothing is infected.”

She nodded curtly. She pulled a large manila envelope out of her designer purse and handed it to Mr Harrington. “These are divorce papers, Harold. You will be speaking to my lawyers in the morning.” She turned to Steve. “I’m hungry, darling. Would you like to go to dinner with me tonight?”

“Yeah,” Steve said. “I mean, of course. Just let me grab my coat.”

Mr Harrington bristled. “You walk out that door, Steven and you won’t be allowed back in it.”

Steve nodded. “Right. Mom, can you give me five minutes to get some things together?”

Mrs Harrington smiled. “Of course, sweetie.”

Mr Harrington’s jaw dropped and she turned back to him. “If you even so much as touch any of my things, I will have you charged with theft. I have pictures and documentation on where everything is, so don’t even try to snoop.”

He continued to sputter as Steve came down the stairs with both suitcases.

“Do you have everything you need, dear?” Mrs Harrington asked, eyeing the two small suitcases.

Steve laughed. “Yeah. I figured he was going to pull this bullshit this weekend so I moved most of my stuff out already.”

She laughed. Bright and clear as bell. Steve smiled. He hadn’t heard her laugh like that in such a long time. She took one the suitcases and linked her arm with Steve’s free hand and they walked out the door together.

***

Part 15 Part 16 Part 17  Part 18  Part 19  Part 20    

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[justanotheradhdwriter]

Mood swings suck people, let me tell you.

Yesterday I was all super excited about some team activities and good ideas I had for moving them forward. The suddenly last night I started feeling dreary again.

Today, gloom is getting the best of me again. I finished work way in advance because I managed to stick to the pomodoro timer, and I have the afternoon all for me. So I’m content, but that’s just it. A 5 on a 1-to-10 scale. I’m laying on my couch reading a book now, but I get distracted every minute because my brain is telling me let’s do stuff, but I don’t know what to do because it’s raining cats and dogs outside. Mental hyperactivity, folks.

Anyway, I’ll go see my psychiatrist because I haven’t been this moody for a very long time. And I don’t like it. I don’t know if it’s just emotional dysregulation from ADHD and autism, but it’s so fucking disabling.

Also, insomnia. But not the type where you have troubles falling asleep. I have troubles staying asleep and going back to sleep. Tonight I woke up at 3 AM and fell asleep at 5. Then woke up at 6:30 but didn’t have the strength to get up, so I laid in bed until 9. Doom scrolling on my phone. Switching from one app to the other while watching the time passing by. And I couldn’t move.

I have my tricks, like putting the phone as far as possible from my bed so when the alarm goes off I have to get up, and along the way my bladder tells me I need to pee, then the morning dopamine and the general ADHD thing of looking around and finding things I need to do does the rest.

Trick it until you make it. Right?

[pettyrevenge-base]

Wake me with your alarm? Guess my day starts now, too.

I (28F) live with my boyfriend (29M) and one roommate (35M) in a house that I own. They both work at the same company, so their workday starts at 6AM. I WFH so I sleep/get up pretty much whenever I want. It's worth noting that I am a very light sleeper, and my boyfriend is a fairly heavy sleeper that I usually have to wake despite his alarm.

My boyfriend's alarm goes off at 5:30. He usually gets dressed and heads to work by 5:40, which is fine. In those 10 minutes I'll pack his lunch, make him coffee, and get him set up for the day. My roommate however, has a very loud, blaring alarm that goes off every 5 minutes between 5 and 5:30, when he finally rolls out of bed and gets ready. Even on weekends, he'll sometimes let his alarm go off until 6 until it finally shuts off on its own. It's very annoying.

I have no idea why he sets his alarm to be so damn loud that the whole house hears it, especially since he's also a light sleeper (supposedly) and has expressed before that me watching TV in my room at night keeps him up, even if I close the door. If the alarm was quieter I wouldn't care, but at that point he wakes my dogs, and he's even woken my boyfriend's daughter (3F) who stays with us on occasion. Needless to say, once that first alarm goes off at 5, I'm awake, and so is everyone else. I don't know if you've ever dealt with a toddler being unwillingly woken up at 5AM, but it's not pretty, especially since she usually wakes up between 9:30 and 10.

I've asked him a number of times if he could just turn down the alarm a little so he doesn't wake the whole house. He refuses to do so. Cue petty revenge.

My wake up routine usually involves taking a shower, then doing the dishes/cleaning, caring for the dogs, etc. If we have the baby, I'll make breakfast and put on a show for her to watch while she wakes up. Two of my three dogs are fairly large, so they make noise when I let them out of their crates and feed them. So, the past few days I've been dragging my ass out of bed at 5, and starting my routine. None of which I do quietly. I'm awake anyway, and it's my house, so I can do what I want.

The toddler will usually fall asleep again on the couch (even if I turn on the TV), so I put a show on for her at a normal volume. At 5. My dogs are energetic so I let them out of their crates to run around. At 5. Dishes? 5AM, baby. TikTok's in the living room? 5 again. Wake me up at 5, that's when my day will start.

I haven't gotten much out of my roommate except for dirty looks and the occasional "why are you awake?" to which I simply respond with, "because you woke me." He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, so he's started to complain that I'm being petty for no reason. I again suggested for him to turn down the alarm or at least lessen the frequency, but he's refused to do so. Guess we'll all just keep waking up at 5.

Except for my boyfriend, of course. He can sleep through virtually anything. Bless his heart. I should go wake him.

Source: reddit.com/r/pettyrevenge

[dollsonmain]

I got lots of extra sleep this morning and woke up feeling human. Which is nice.

But I was thinking about how I never get enough rest. I’ve learned that I need 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep to feel Good in the morning, and of course I never get it.

My routine goes like this:

8pm:  get ready for bed

8:30-8:45:  when I tend to actually get in bed

between 9 and 10pm:  That Guy comes to bed and makes sure to wake me up by flumphing on the bed to plug in his phone, getting up again, turning on lights, slamming around in the bathroom etc. then he grabs me to warm up his hands but I have to move around a lot and get comfortable again so I can sleep, so that means about an hour or two of readjusting to find the Not Painful Sleep Position before I can finally drift off, and if he’s decided it’s sexy time then I also have to get up and clean myself off so

between 11 and 2am:  actually fall asleep, hopefully

4am:  That Guy’s alarm goes off, and mine does, too, because if I don’t set my alarm, sometimes he doesn’t set his and then I have to deal with the I’M LATE tantrum first thing in the morning. He hops in the shower and I lay there anywhere between 5 and 20 minutes waiting for my heart to stop pounding around in my chest from being startled by the alarm

4:20-ish am:  I get up, get dressed, and go downstairs to make my coffee, sit at the dining room table, and wait

4:45-ish am:  That Guy stomps down the stairs and into the kitchen where he makes the most noise I’ve ever heard a person make in the kitchen while putting together his lunch which sometimes makes me think I should make his lunch for him but I don’t like him that much, he should make it himself the night before

5am: I have to hug him while he whines and baby-voice goes bye-bye??? bye-bye????? at me (I am nonverbal in the morning, you might get a grunt out of me), and he leaves, slamming doors along the way

Anywhere between 5 am and 6 am:  Son gets up. His alarm is set for 6, but That Guy wakes him up before that most mornings. Kid goes to bed before 9 every night, though, so I don’t worry about HIM being rested

From whenever he wakes up to 7 am:  Son and I spend some peaceful time together without That Guy. This is important time that I wouldn’t miss

7am:  get Son on the bus.

7:30 - 8 or 9:  I do online stuff. Some of it is work, some of it is not.

9am :  can finally do noisy physical work stuff

10am:   lunch because breakfast was at fucking 4 am.

10a. - 2 pm:  I do my best to get as much work done as I can but am already getting worn down

2pm:  I crash hard every day at this time and struggle to keep my eyes open

2pm - 3pm:  try to stay awake, generally sitting at the computer again because I’m literally falling asleep on my feet and don’t want to fall

3pm:  go get the boy off the bus. A little more peaceful time to spend with him but only a little

4pm:  That Guy gets home

4pm to 8pm:  pay attention to That Guy or else/sit on the couch and crochet a blanket for someone else that doesn’t want it because my love language is hand made gifts and his self-hate language is getting rid of everything he loves

I hate that I only get about 2 hours of actual functional time per day.

When Son is home all day, like today, I like to spend time parallel playing with him, so get fewer other things done. We’re both perfectly content to and enjoy spending time together in this way.

[mrsq8geek]

I have never seen someone whose natural sleep cycle also starts at 6. It's always like "this person with a sleep disorder gets tired at 3 or 4 am". I had a year between graduating and getting my first job and in that year I consistently slept at 5-6am and woke up around 1-2. No alarm, no nothing.

But of course society, life, stress, etc, so in reality: avoid caffeine too late in the day, take a melatonin around the same time every day, put on my sleep headset, put on the white noise, put on the eye mask. If i want to be up at 5:30, I have various alarms going off starting 4:30, because after experimenting, it consistently takes me 45mins to an hour to wake up starting from the first alarm. This is including days where I really can't miss that important thing, so I set additional alarms on my laptop so I have to physically leave the bed... and then I go back to sleep.

The things that do help is I have smart lights and I use them as alarms, and while phone calls alone don't wake me properly because I can answer and go back to sleep, having a conversation does wake me. If it's a nap cause I'm tired but I got stuff to do, I drink water first so the need to pee gets me out of bed.

When the sun goes down I'm kind of grumpy because I'm tired from the day, although I adore sunsets, but about 1-2 hours later my mood significantly improves, my brain comes online, aaaand I have maybe an hour where that's useful before I have to take the melatonin so I can force-sleep.

I would have been great at guarding the village gate but oh well, industrialisation amirite

I think the eight alarms thing is usually a maladaptation. You've trained your brain to ignore the eight alarms because you kept avoiding the training of willpower following the first alarm would require. I think some sleep therapy might help?

Hey so first of all fuck you, thanks.

Second: I love it when you read literature on sleep disorders, especially if it's on sleep disorders among folks with ADHD, and you see time and time again "when allowed to sleep on their preferred schedule subjects maintained healthy, normal, restorative sleep cycles" and "effects were not lasting without ongoing intervention; resetting the sleep schedule is a permanent effort."

Like, if I sleep *great* from 6am to 2pm and I wake up feeling rested and alert with no special help but I need to turn off the lights in my house and shut down all electronics at 8pm and beam a spotlight into my face starting at 5am to wake up at seven and feel exhausted all day, I think perhaps it is not actually my sleep cycle that is wrong it is perhaps society that is wrong.

BELIEVE ME, when I find the job that pays well and has decent insurance that lets me exist as a cheerful nighttime ghoul I am jumping on that with both feet. But until then I literally feel better getting six hours of sleep and occasionally sleeping so hard that i can't hear my alarms because of chronic sleep deprivation than I do turning off all the lights in my house and ceasing all activity two and a half hours after I get off of work.

Also: the eight alarms aren't all there to wake me up, it's just that sometimes I *also* sleep through the ones that are supposed to remind me to go sit at my desk and start work. One of the first three usually gets me up, but on a day when I sleep through all three of those I will be sleeping through all eight of them and usually a phone call and someone trying to shake me awake to.

ANYWAY after being treated with melatonin and light therapy and staring listlessly at the ceiling in the dark bored out of my skull with racing thoughts for sleep disorders that I didn't have for like twenty years the single most effective intervention that allowed me to get more sleep as someone with both ADHD and DSPD was to start hanging out and being active in places where it would be easy to fall asleep if the sleep caught me there instead of turning my bedroom into a dark, silent shrine of snoozing. Giving myself permission to fall asleep late instead of laying awake chewing myself up with guilt for not being asleep helped too.

Actually here's some tips for the sleepy bitches in the crowd:

1 - If you're laying down and not falling asleep in half an hour, you're not actually sleepy; read something or get up and do something because you're more likely to get sleepy faster that way than you are staring at the clock going "if I fall asleep now I'll have three hours and forty five minutes of rest when I have to go to work; If I fall asleep now I'll have three hours and twenty minutes of sleep when I have to get up, etc. etc."

2 - Allow yourself to be ambushed by sleep. Fall asleep on your cozy couch. Fall asleep in the comfy chair. Let yourself sleep where you fall asleep instead of dragging yourself to where you're 'supposed' to sleep if doing so will wake you up.

3 - The mythbusters thing. If you just lay down and close your eyes and pretend to rest you will feel more rested when you get up than when you laid down. Laying down to rest is better than nothing, it literally causes cognitive improvements similar to sleep in tests, and knowing that can help take off some of the pressure of not being able to fall asleep and can thus help you fall asleep.

4 - It's okay to "hang out" in the area where you're going to sleep. Read in bed. Play games on your cellphone in bed. If you want to go to sleep put on comfy clothes and bring a chill activity and hang out in your bed to do it so that all you have to do when you start getting sleepy is close your eyes.

5 - It's better to get some sleep than no sleep. Sometimes you look at the clock and it's six AM and whoops, fuck it. Okay, time for bed, don't stress that you're only going to get a few hours, a few hours is better than nothing. Lay down to pretend to rest at least and you'll probably feel okay.

6 - This one sounds silly and might not work for a bunch of people for a bunch of reasons but apparently there's some research suggesting that "well-rested" is a state of mind? I've had a reasonable amount of success with just telling myself "Yeah, I actually feel pretty good," and pushing through the day on a couple of hours of sleep. I don't *recommend* that and you should try to get as much sleep as possible, but yeah the next time you're low on sleep see what happens if you just try to decide to not be tired. It sounded like bullshit to me when I first heard it but I've found some success with it.

7 - This shit is cumulative. If you're doing a couple nights a week on low sleep that's not ideal but you're probably going to be pretty functional and you can work on it. If you overbook and overextend yourself for too long - I'm looking at you college students and new parents - it's going to add up. Try as much as possible to at least keep your sleep deficit nights spread out. (This message brought to you by writing 60k words of fiction in october and completely frying my brain because i wasn't getting enough sleep).

[theharvesterofeyesblog]

July 28th

Woke up before my alarm due to my wife writhing around on the bed ~6am I eventually get out of bed a little bit after 7 with my wife still doing the same complaining about the fitted sheet coming off. I help her put it back on she then says she needs her birth control. I don’t help her because I have to use the bathroom. As I am using the bathroom she goes to the kitchen and finds the freezer door open she exclaims that she found it open and I say back to her “I guess you left it open.” This thoroughly upsets her. I go to my room to make the bed and she gets upset at me for making her feel ignored. I’m genuinely tired and worn down from the previous day and around 4hrs of sleep so I’m sluggish in doing anything including responding. This upsets her further. She then lectures me while I get dressed. I apologize and do my best to comfort her she then begins to feel better while I go and prepare her toaster strudel. I then finish my morning routine with her doting all over me. (I’m sure it was nice I’m just burnt out I think.) I then eventually leave around 8am for work I am tired maybe I’ll be able to take a nap at work. No nap unfortunately due to it being super busy. Avoided going home till after 6 though knowing that I was probably going home to some bs. And I was right as soon as I got home I came to Bella freaking out about the cat being in the garage while I opened the garage door so I had to stand outside the garage and wait while she looked for the cat in the house I stood there for 10 minutes. Once I got inside she got upset at me for how I got out of my work clothes because she felt like I wasn’t paying attention to her while I did that. She was sweet but all over the place cleaning up and organizing her stuff. I genuinely feel like just throwing away/ donating her shit in secret and see if she notices. After I got a couple hours of rest which included a small nap I was asked to help her move furniture I finally moved my dresser but that took forever because she wanted me to help her organize the top third of a tub of stuff she has. Then she wanted assistance getting the living room rearranged that took a lot of fighting to figure out. That especially where the grey chair should go. (It eventually went where I suggested initially) there was also a lecture on how a rug should be used in a space. My criticisms for today were me moving to slow and being to slow to do what she tells me to do. I’m tired of feeling petrified of doing things because I don’t know what will set her off next. I hope I can be in bed on time. She wants to talk about something so who knows. I’ll finish up my shower and figure it out. When I finish my evening routine I ask her what she wanted to talk about. The conversation doesn’t even really get started because my tone didn’t make her like I wanted to listen. She tells me she needs space I tell her I’ll be going to bed that then upsets her because she interpreted that as me being a upset but I was just telling her that because she wants me to tell her what I’m doing. It gets so frustrating feeling like I’m on a tightrope with every conversation I have with her and I can’t seem to find my balance. At least today was better than yesterday. I guess the oxy really does make her worse. I guess not caring what kind of sweetener she puts in her oatmeal is upsetting to her. I guess my tone made her feel stupid for asking. All I can do is sigh and try to relax and go to sleep. Please let me sleep.

[hav-vok]

cross posting from the wrong blog.

Oct 5

I'm not okay with my body image right now because I have to pack for Disney and the weather is warmer than I expected so I can't just hide in a big hoodie and I wanted to look cute but I just don't think I'll look cute or nice or anything other than a big fat blob of awful and I really don't want to ruin this with a fucking breakdown about how fat I am and how none of my clothes fit.

and the worst thing is I have no one but S to talk to this about. I have no girl friends I can't just pop up and say I feel like crap hype me up and help me find something fun to wear. I've never understood those scenes in coming of age films where the girls are all sat around in one room trying on each others clothes and doing each others hair. I never got that. I've never had anyone like that. I've never had a best friend that way. I've never even had a friend that way. not for 15 years.

half my life. half my fucking life I've not had friends to confind it and talk about this with and work through the trauma of societies expectations with. half my life. the half where it's mattered. no one cares as a kid. a little kid. but man as soon as you're aware of what this fucking world has its eyes on and what it deems is good and right and everything is it banishes as wrongs it's just traumatic trying to do anything else with that .

and now somehow I'm meant to have dinnerrmmmmmmsurbdn

I broke and nearly threw my phone so I dropped it and punched my leg lots instead.

I'm great. I'm good. I'm doing absolutely fine. about to go on the holiday of a lifetime apparently. what a delight.

Oct 6?

I keep opening and closing social media. like someone opening the fridge again to see if new food has magically appeared.

I realised that when I say friend, in most cases I think I should say acquaintance. because they're not friends. we were tied by a common place and most of our conversation rotated around that common place. maybe all I get are acquaintances. and I need to be okay with that level of relationship somehow.

Oct 8

so today I get on a plane for the first time ever and no matter how much I try I can't freak myself out about it which is good I guess. everything will be fine and it'll be so much fun and such a delight ✨

I'm sat in an airport waiting for a plane to arrive. it's ten minutes late which is wild but hey ho.

security was stressful and wild but nevermind I got through with only one misshap which for my first time isn't too bad.

getting random pain in my left toes though and knees hurt occasionally, and a slight headache which I blame on stress and stimulation.

Oct 12

so we'll Disney was a big ball of surreal crazy

idk why but mornings were not good for me. next time we go away like that I need to prepare for mornings better.

yesterday I felt quite bad, waves of sickness if I stood for too long, sharp pains in my stomach and guts. felt better if I sat for a while. didn't feel good enough to eat so I had a small yogurt, a few mouthfuls of lunch (cauliflower and pork mostly) and an apple when I got home. not lots of water either but I just didn't feel good. also got to experience a wheelchair for the first time ever, useful but not hugely.

feel a little icky today still but I'll try and eat nice plain foods here and see how it goes. Sam is out to work all afternoon so if I end up sitting in the bathroom then that's what happenes.

Oct 15

bs: weak+tingly hands, sore feet, achy hip R, little snotty, sleepy, weepy eyes, sore L shoulder

ms: flat, concerned about money this month

went to bed about 11ish last night, don't remember taking the hoodie off, don't remember S coming to bed, woke up a couple times during the night, once where the roof of my mouth was intensely itchy so I had some CBD , went back to sleep till S alarm at 8.40. 9.5 hours ish maybe ? obviously still tired from travel and Disney. but back at work today.

Oct 16

bs: mild cramps, can't tell if ovaries or intestines. L hand bad pins and needles during night, especially 3rd finger. sleepy

I was very snotty yesterday, and a bit coughy and had several long sneezing fits. I took some meds and went to work and it seemed to clear up. wondering if there's some dust or mould or something that affects me in my studio room. but it's so small and compact I don't really know how to go about changing that, since I have so much stuff. and things in this house get mouldy even in the warmer months let alone over winter when it's damp. oh to have central heating.

[ravingsofamadsoutherner]

Walk of Life

Walk of Life #Blog #Blogger #Blogging #Angels #Creativity #LoveStory #Love #Walking #Running #Update #Chemo #Cancer

“If you seek creative ideas go walking.Angels whisper to a man when he goes for a walk.” ― Raymond I. OD Myers I am sitting here, coffee in hand, waiting for the angels to whisper and watching the glow of the impending dawn.  I am up for no reason other than I woke up, but my creativity is still asleep.  My alarm is set for 6:00 but it never goes off. It is set because there are medications to…

[trifoliumrex]

Let's Burn Chapter 7

Master

1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8

So Here’s the thing. You died. Like dead dead. But there’s good news. Turns out the multiverse is real and Suga and Jay are going to make sure it doesn't happen again. If Yoongi and Hobi don’t get in the way. Or Worse yet the troublesome Kim Namjoon. Can they keep you safe when you don’t even know who they are? Or will Namjoon finally get what he wants.

A reader x J-hope x Suga fic

But also reader x yoongi

But also Hobi, and Jay. the multiverse am I right?

Word Count: 4672

Here Now, remembering other times, and other places:Jay watches your hands. You're watching them too. It's a nervous folding and unfolding. He said he wanted to talk but he’s waiting for you to ask questions. If you don't he’ll eventually have to come up with an explanation. There's a lot to explain. A lot of lies to correct. “Is he dead?” You look at Suga. He told you from the second he woke up who he was. Suga. Not Yoongi. Suga looks at you with real pain on his face. He should have known. That this would be what was important to you. The necessary question. He cast a desperate look at Jay. You accepted the monster there. He had told you the truth though. Suga did in a way. But he knew you didn't understand. Knew you didn't know what he meant. He knew he was lying to you, that it was shitty. He knew it was but he couldn’t risk it. Couldn’t risk you. Jay gives a shrug. This is a mess he can’t fix for Suga. “Yeah. Yoongi died that night”

There's a sob that escapes you that sounds painful. Suga wants to make a grab for you. To erase the pain that is so clear as the sobs wrack threw your body. You can’t keep in the sounds of misery to yourself no matter how hard you try. Jay looks away uncomfortable with such an intense display of open emotion. Wailing. You’re wailing. He always thought that was just a Gothic term with no basis in reality. Like it should be relegated to the realm of vampires and banshees, their cries banished to the pages of a book in the same way as their supposed makers. This sounds like how it felt to lose you. Like all the guilt and all the regret rolled into a single note. Suga just feels angry. Angry that any part of him could bring so much distress into your life. No part of him stops to consider that part of your distress might be because of him. Because of the willful actions he’s taken in this life. Fully aware of all that could go wrong. Fully aware that he couldn’t keep this from you not completely not if he had you as close as he wanted.It doesn't last long. This inconsolable state. It tapers off. The misery to sadness. To something duller. Grief maybe. That you tried to stave off but always knew was coming. You lean against Jay when it shifts and he puts an arm around you. You look at Suga with new eyes. Awake, or very nearly there. “Who are you?” “Suga, I’m him. Just… that piano. That stupid piano. He didn't break it. We got out of that place.” He doesn't go into details. He doesn't tell you about the tiny scar in the other world so faint you used to joke it was a fairy line. He doesn't tell you that you had been together since the moment you knew what it meant to be with someone. He doesn't tell you that the only other person he ever had any feelings for was Jay and that if had been introducing you two that had gotten you killed. “You left me? Where ever it was you left me?” That pain is back. In his face and you’re alarmed to find it on Jay as well. You’re honestly not sure you want to know. Not if it makes both of them hurt like this. Suga grabs your hands and now that you know who he is again you let him. No flinching this time. “Baby you died. You died in my arms” Jays breath catches. In his arms? No that would mean you were alive. He had wasted time going he had gone after Namjoon but you could have lived. No no no no no no. This is too much this can’t be happening. Suga looks at him and realizes this is new information. Pity goes over his expression. It seems Jay was wrong. He did kill you. “I died?” your voice sounds hurt. Suga's eyes close. He nods. “Suga, I don't think I'm her. I don't remember. I don’t” Jay puts his hand over your eyes. Just for a moment. So he can look at Suga and shake his head. You can’t remember. They have to keep that from you.

“Doesn't matter you’re still here. You're different, but you're still her. I'm still him and Suga is Yoongi”

“I'm Not!” Suga says with venom in his voice. “I…alright” he sighs. “I am but I'm also different. I know it's different but it doesn't matter. Jay. You.. you love him right you know he's not Hobi.”

“Hobi, does Hobi know?”

“No. I, I've done things. To keep you safe. Hobi doesn't need to know. It will hurt him” You nod. You’ve seen it hurt him. You nod again. “Please. Don’t remember ok? It will hurt you too” You look at him. “Why are you two here? What happened to you?”

“We died too,” Jay says simply. This sends you into a fresh wave of tears and he pulls his hand back. “That cop. He was there too. He always finds you” Jay bites his lip. Fuck. he sees the alarm on your face.

“What do you mean always? How many times has this happened?” Jay clamps his lips shut and you turn to Suga. “How many times did we die?!”

“I'm so sorry, I don't know. I lost count. I never have. I never even got close”

“437 times, for me” Jay says and again Suga looks up. He knows it's been a lot, but for him. It hasn't even been half that many times. He wonders how many times Jay just didn’t wait for him. How many times did he just move on. Try again. Suga gets up and leaves the room. He can’t look at Jay and think about how easy it became for him. To kill himself to save you. How many times had he tried to do it?

“Jay… no”

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry” he’s sure that there are more worlds that he didn't even try at all. That didn't call to him because you were already gone. “I tried, I tried but I was late this time. I tried to stay away. I thought I might change it but he won't stop. He won't leave you alone. You have to promise me won’t try to”

“It was bad. Jay it was dad wasn't it?”

“You should know. It's my fault. Me and Suga were fighting and I wanted to scare you. That's all. He wants to hurt me, or play a game with me. I tried to stay away I really did but”

“Hobi.”

“Hobi. He loves you. He loves you so much” You think he must love you too. If he died that many times. “He…when you called. I couldn't not come. I have to make you safe this time. Please.” You put your arms around him and he pulls you into him wrapping himself around you.

You see it for what it was now desperation. Suga comes back with a stack of papers. “I know you might not like this.” you sit up strength afraid of what he's gonna tell you. “We are part of a gang”

“Lead it” Jay is correct. As serious as this is. As important. He wants to impress you. I Want you to know how powerful he is.

“You’re right I don't like it” you cross your arms. “You’re going to get yourself killed. I don't want there to be a another me! Let their Hobi and Suga's and Jays and I don't know what other names you guys have!”

“One of them was called meow meow,” Suga says. Your eyes widen and you actually let out a little laugh. “The difference was easy to spot there. I was a pop star. I didn't even die to leave that one. He kicked me right out” You laugh at that. He doesn't. He probably didn't settle before you died.

“What like Billy joel? Were you the piano man?” Suga shrugs something like that. He hands you the files and you go through the papers, confused numbers and photos of people you don’t know and can’t fathom. “I don't know what this is”

“It's everything written down. Memorize these faces. They are going to be around you” You retreat back into Jays arms not liking the idea of that one bit. Jay pets your hair soothingly. He points to one of the men in the photos.

“That man, every single world I've been in has two little dogs that he loves more than the whole world. On of them is sick and that's how he got in the business. If you play your cards right he’ll let you play with them” it had happened once. You were delighted then. You smile now.

“How little?” you sound tired, maybe even bordering on delirious. Suga takes the seat next to you pulling you half into his lap you settle there shivering just a bit. The chill of the shower turned cold lingering on your skin.

“So little” Jay murmurs into your ear. He grabs a blanket and pulls it over the three of you. “If you have any other questions you need to ask them now. He can tell you're sad.”Jay smiles a wry smile. Hobi just can’t help himself. “Do you hurt people?” “I would set the world on fire to make you safe. So would he. That doesn't come without a few burns” Jay says. He doesn't really care who gets hurt as long as it's not you and not Hobi. Suga has a few more reservations. He knows that hurting other people can only hurt you a bit as long as you don't see? What's the harm? “We don’t go out of our way to hurt people who aren't attacking you” It's not the answer you want. You don’t exactly want to leave them either. Does that make you a bad person? Do you care if you're on the run from a literal monster? “Why don’t you just kill him?”

“We keep trying but he slips away. I should have just done it in to hospital”“Shut up. You would have gotten him locked up for life” “You didn't even know him” Suga turns a bit pink and tries to turn away but Jay grabs his face. “What, did you fall in love when you woke up and saw him above you?” Jay is smirking but there's a burning curiosity underneath. “I was already half in love with you there. So when I saw you it was you but nice?!” Suga sounds flustered. “I think Jay can be nice,” you mumble. Jay flashes Suga a hungry smile and kisses your neck. A hand goes on your thigh seemingly determined to show you the truth. Jay is not a nice person. Just like that Hobi switches over, as if to prove you right. “What's wrong?” Hobi asks in a mildly alarmed voice. Did he fall asleep on the couch? He’s so tired. Like he lugged around something heavy for hours. You give Suga a look. “I failed. I'm not going to school” Hobis face softens. This is a drama he’s equipped to deal with. He rubs a hand down your back and you look at Suga. He’s right. This is something worth protecting. You can know but while you might be morally gray at best Hobi, you are sure is a good person. “That's ok, we can try again. I Can take some time off and help you study and” You shake your head and kiss his cheek. His arms wrap even tighter around you. You shake your head. Suga relaxes just a bit. Protecting you at school would be challenging at best. “I'm going to take some time off. I've got two boyfriends. I'm going to try being a stay at home” “A stay at home?” Hob asks just a touch confused. “Like a stay at home mom, but without the kids. Maybe learn how to make your favorite recipes. I guess I could dust something” Hobi makes a face. As if he’d ever let dust in his home. “Is that what you want? I think you’d make a lovely trophy wife. I'm a little jealous. Suga, why don't you go get a good job and we can both be stay at homes” Suga smiles at him. Hobi thinks about that little ring box and wonders if it should turn into to. Shit. to early. He’s always too eager. “If you quit your job today. Right now. I’ll take care of you. Both of you.” Hobis' face lights up. He suspects Suga has already found one. Maybe he was squeezing people for rent. His job lately though, has been so stressful. Has made him feel so awful. “I’ll expect homemade lunch boxes. The kind with little bears.” “We could do that,” You say. You want him to stay home with you. To be awake and know that he’s safe. And if Jay needed to work? It wouldn't hurt him so much right? If there was less to lie about. “We can do that right?”

Hobi loves his job, the one that he doesn't know he already has lost. He sees the fear in your face just under the surface. Your attack he can’t help but assume. His face softens into that smile and he kisses you gently and nods. “Yeah we can do that. We have to start looking for a bigger place though. I want a king sized bed.”“Done.” Suga says. It takes almost no time to adjust to the new apartment. It's huge and there are guards. Hobi must think they work for the complex. It's like if he doesn't look too hard then the ghost inside his head keeps it just out of sight. You start to feel safe. Like going outside doesn't need to make you sweat nervously. Not when you hear multiple guards trailing after you. You start to really believe that it is over. That movement is enough to make the monster go away. The thing about monsters though. A blanket never really keeps you safe. It only prolongs the inevitable.

Jay seems very content to run the gang from the confines of the apartment but every so often he has to have meetings. They need to respect Jay the same way Suga is respected. Neither of them like you being around the place then. So today you're out. Spending their money like a good little mob wife. Maybe the gray of your soul is darker than you thought. You really do like spending it. Spending blood money. You like filling the room with pretty little things that make Hobi smile and buying pretty little things for Suga to rip off your body.

Maybe you just like that with this new open communication he doesn't look at your scar anymore. Now that you know he’s not Yoongi he doesn't seem to feel guilty. Like knowing and being known by you has solved at least something.

You make your body guards wait outside as you flip the racks of scandalous items that would probably get their eyes gouged out if they saw. You hold up to your body in the mirror. You swap it out for an even tinier garment. So thin and delicate you think you might even be able to rip it in two. You get a second one for Hobi. You wonder if you could talk Jay into wearing it. Into letting you try and pull it off him. You buy three. Might as well give it a try. You’re happy you realize. So happy. You call Jay's phone. It's a nice system one phone for him and one for Hobi. It lets him know what version of him someone wants to talk to. It always makes his heart beat at a frightening rate. Each time he expects the call. Jay. Someone is following me. “Hello?” You hear the fear in his voice.

“Hi Jay. I'm not hurt, I'm not in danger” Jay frowns on his end of the phone. You can tell so much from just a call? It feels vulnerable. For the first time he hears His voice. It's ok. It's ok to be like me around them. Jay is alarmed. He goes to the bathroom. The mirror. Hobi puts his finger to his lips. Oh.So he knows. How much? Everything Hobi whispers. Let them think they did it. That they protected me. I'm sorry I couldn't, Jay whispers back. You protected them. It’s enough. “Ok, thank you for letting me know” You grin on your end of the phone call. He sounds mystified. You let out the tiniest little laugh. Jay feels his and Hobi’s metaphorical hearts swell in unison. “You sound Happy”

“I am. Will you wear something for me? Some very tiny lingerie.” Jay grins

“You called me first how do you know Hobi”

“Of course he will. He’s easy”

“I'm not easy? I’m hurt. When I ever turned you down for sex? I don’t even make you buy me dinner first” he chuckles this time.

“I'll let you eat. Maybe I’ll even let you eat me out tonight, if you put it on. I want to match you.” Me, thinks Jay. Still looking at Hobi in the mirror. That pleasant smile still on his own face. The one he can’t quite make on his own. He touches the mirror. It's the closest he can get to really touching him. “Jay?”

“Yeah I guess I could do that. Is it the same one you got Hobi?”

“No, not the exact same. A different color. Maybe that's what you are. Not a ghost, just a different hue.”

“Poetic. Have you been dipping into the drugs we are selling? You sound like you’re about to write a drug induced book of poems” “I never did drugs, you know? Should I try them?”

“We could. Hobi could help if something goes wrong. We shouldn't tell Suga”

“Why not? Does he have something against drugs? I always assumed you used it. You know. That first world” You had asked him more questions. You ask Jay about him and Suga. the parts about each other they liked. The good times. You ask Suga about her. She seems nice. Seemed. You’re glad she had Suga. You're glad his brother hadn't gotten the chance to ruin her. You’re glad Hobi had stopped him from truly ruining you.

“Suga has a thing about wasting money. And we sell low end shit. He’d want you to go high end. Yeah I did drugs. How do you want to feel”

“Hmm I’m pretty satisfied at the moment but i could think of a few improvements. Maybe my legs wrapped around you for starters. Also, maybe floaty. Do you have a something for that”

“I could fuck you stupid. That might work. Then when I need to catch my breath we send Suga in and then finally we send a very confused Hobi in”

“I don't like to make him confused. '' Hobi winks at Jay and Jay pressed his hand harder into the mirror trying to make a cheap imitation of the touch he craves.

“Trust me. He’ll see you under him and it will only last a second.” There's no confusion when you're naked and beneath him. Not even for a second. He and Hobi might not agree on everything but on that. They are in 100% agreement.

“I do trust you. I love you Jay” Jays breath catches it always does. When you specify him. “I love you to Hobi!” you say in a sing-song voice. You do that a lot too. Just in case part of him can hear. You say it to Hobi too. Saying I love you twice, not using his name but you know he knows it's for him. “I love you too. Come home? I know it's early. I miss you”

“Ok, I’ll be home soon” You hang up. You were never one for goodbyes, and is there any that could be as sweet as a declaration of love anyway? You make your purchases and head out. Your body guards have slunk off out of sight. You wonder if Jay finding out where you were made them draw back.

Suga would have for sure. He is possessive. Always had been but Yoongi never was this afraid. Not until that last call. You know that there is a monster after you. A hungry shark or vulture circling, but knowing and seeing are two different things and they just make you feel so safe. Brazen even. Too confident for a target. For Prey.You should have been alarmed when you heard the footsteps. The single set. They never were around you by themselves. They literally aren't allowed. Any man in a room alone with you is apt to lose a hand if not more. You didn't even think to be afraid. You didn't even notice until the blinding pain and the crack as your head collided with the wall with alarming force. Is it still called waking up if you didn't fall asleep? If instead you were violently ripped from the waking world with a violent blow. The first thing you sense, the first sense you get back is touch. You know it is touching because your head is screaming at you. Your head and your hands and your feet. Next is sound. You hear the dripping of your blood from your head. Did that mean you hadn't been here long?

You force your eyes open. There's so much blood. So much. A growing pool around the chair you're sitting on. The chair you're tied to. No wonder your hands and feet hurt. You let out a gasp and there's a chuckle. You slowly tilt your head up. Officer Kim looks at you. His smile is almost kind but it doesn't meet his eyes.“Do you remember me, little girl?” “You…tried to throw me off of the stairs” The smile does reach his eyes this time. If he’s honest, he has no idea if he can make you remember or not. It will be fun to try. He doesn't like women, not usually, in fact it would be the most accurate to say he hated them. He does here especially. He needed to put them in their place and teach them where they belonged in the world. You though, your screams were always the best. The most fulfilling. Even before Jay came to try and stop him. He liked the hope dying in his eyes even more. All the pain and rejection he gave to Namjoon echoed back. It's satisfying each time, but this time, this is you. He’s more than just driven by by guilt here. Love, he really loves you. Namjoon can understand it if he’s being completely honest. He wonders if Jay can't move on without you’re death.

Maybe he should just keep you. That might cause him even more pain. Knowing exactly what he would do to you. Following you for all eternity. He takes a step forward and your breathing gets quicker. “I want you to try to remember. It will be easier if you remember. It's not your fault by the way. It's Jays. I want you to know that too. It would be more fun If you hated him.” He pulls something off the little table you hadn't even noticed. “I’ll even let you pick. The others don't get to pick. You should feel honored. You should feel special”

Your hands balled into fists. You know what he does. What kind of games Officer Kim liked to play as he moonlighted as RM. He wonders what message he’ll pen with your sever finger. You won't let him make you choose. He grabs your face with the hand not holding the instrument you can now tell are gardening shears. “You always have to be so difficult. It's ok I’ll pick for you” he cuts the ropes around your wrist and cradles your fist. Squeeze until you have to release your hand. He starts with the ring finger. That will hurt him the most. Hard to put a ring on it when there's no finger there at all.

You scream.

He takes the finger. Your finger. It's pretty, really small and delicate. He uses it to touch your face as you sob and clutch your free but rendered useless hand to your chest. He presses it to your lips and you gag. He pulls away. The disgust is fun. The revulsion but he likes it better with an audience. Pain though. That's always fun.He takes your finger and starts to write on the walls. The same walls he’s always at. Every time he kills you. The writing is new. A newly acquired compulsion. Your fault. Over and over and over. Until his pen runs out of ink. He takes your pinky finger next. You put up a pathetic attempt at a fight but the threat of two makes you docile. Jay will get the message now. He crouches in front of you. He likes the way your eyes widen. He likes the way you scream as he grabs your hands and sucks at the open wounds at your stupms. You scream. He laughs. “ Do you remember?” he says your blood is pouring from his mouth. A monster. He starts undoing your blouse and suddenly his hands multiply. Every single part of your body is covered in his touches as memories rush into your brain. Your struggles renew as you try and get all of the hands off of you. To staunch the many fatal wounds. Namjoon takes a step back and watches what adds up to years of horrific deaths be remembered all at the same time. “Do you remember now girl?”

“PLEASE” you scream and the pleading pours out of your mouth. It starts as please let me go but he takes another step and quickly. So quickly turns to please quick this time just make it quick as you remember all the ways he’s made it last. Once there was a time it lasted a week. You can’t do that again. You can’t!

Namjoon Calls Jay from your phone. Jay smiles at the number. “Calling back to tell me you love me again?”“I do love you Jay. You know that by now don't you?” Jay hears it then. The sound of your screaming. He drops the phone. He can't hear it. He doesn't need to, he's heard it too many times. He can still hear it from the ground. Your screams turn to a request for him. Done come. Don't die. Don't let him do it to the next me. You’ve given up. Already. At least he doesn't have to see it in your eyes. He crushes the phone under his heel. If he stays away. If he lets it happen but stays here. Maybe Namjoon won't be able to cross over.

It's too late. It's always too late by the time he gets you there. Hobi takes over. A hard edge to him that Jay has never felt before. He calls Suga. “Its started”

“Hobi?” there's pain in his voice. He doesn't know what hurts more at this very moment. That Namjoon has you or that his sweet Hobi knows.

“Meet me there Suga. She told him to stay away. I don't care if I die. I don’t care if he dies”

“I do! Stay the fuck away. I’ll go just”

“Fuck you” He pauses and says it. It will probably be the last time he gets to say it “I love you” Hobi hangs up and starts his drive. The gun he’s not supposed to know about in the seat next to him.

1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8

[now-we-say-c0ral]

March 15, 2023

Woke up at around 4am in the morning for some unknown reason and had trouble going back to sleep because of the conversation Eddie and I had last night. It really kept me up and thinking about how what we have isn't long term? There my mind goes again with all this overthinking shit. I'm just trying my best to shrug that feeling off and just trust what Eddie's showing me. Went back to sleep around 5-ish and woke up at 6:30am to my alarm. Didn't win Wordle today. It was a tie. 5 attempts.

In the morning, I was assigned to do a gynaecology list with Arun, Misch, and Laksmi. It was an okay day. There was an unexpected step when Mr. Chow queried a perforation and converted the procedure to a lap but nothing was seen when we went inside. Had a groufie with the girls from the DSU ward and they've become such good colleagues of mine who I do funny poses with whenever we pass each other by. I'll surely miss them. Submitted my resignation letter today and my final day rendering will be on May 15! I'm kind of bummed that Laksmi won't be there because she'll be on holiday in the Philippines but I know she'll be with me there in spirit. I have to kind of organize my own leaving do. I'm actually really shy about inviting people to go out their way to do something for me but this time I think I'll be more assertive. I just hope people come when I invite them for dinner or a karaoke night at Hann or something. I also had my occupational health appointment today about my lower back pain. Almost a useless advise to be honest but whatever, I'll have myself refer to my GP for a lumbar x-ray. I really think I have some form of scoliosis. I'm trying to organise a little surprise for Dani this Friday because we'll be eating out at Laksmi's place. I volunteered to buy the cake, Laksmi will be cooking some pasta, Porcia.. I don't know yet. We'll figure it out. It's kind of sad that when my other friends have birthdays or some stuff worth celebrating, I'm always in front trying to cheer and support them but when it's my turn, I hide stuff and crawl back to my shell because I feel like people don't really want to celebrate stuff with me. I should stop thinking like this.

Finished today by doing back, chest, and abs in the gym. Saw this guy doing some calisthenics and it looks tough but it kind of also looks fun. Should I try to do classes? I don't like walking but it actually gives me time to think about stuff. Today's thoughts were all about how hard and uncomfortable growing up feels like. It's uncomfortable because you learn stuff about yourself that you didn't know were weighing you down and it's hard because you have to unlearn all the stuff you're used to doing because they're not helping you grow. For me, I have a lot of those stuff. I'm just trying to be independent and do stuff alone for myself. When I didn't have Eddie, I felt more independent then. Now, I am kind of unconsciously putting some responsibility for him to try to take these weights, these baggages, the hurt that I'm carrying when my mind's clouded with dark, scary clouds. I now know that I shouldn't. That I should be self-sufficient, to know and act on the thought that having myself is enough to keep me going when days are dark. In all my attempts at love, to be honest, I have never felt this lonely with them all except for Eddie. God, maturing and growing up isn't an easy thing to do. I'm just trying to carry on with myself.

Eddie saw the can of sardines I left on his cupboard. I left it there because 1. He loves sardines and 2. It's a quick fix whenever he's knackered and doesn't want to cook. Glad it made its purpose. I'm just going to watch You on Netflix now and wait for Eddie to call to say our good night's.

Life's been good. I wouldn't say that on a day like this because it's mundane to be honest but I have to start being grateful.

[aamethyst000]

looking after someone with dementia - March 2,23 1:28pm

I came to her house yesterday evening at around 530pm, almost forgot to heat up her supper yesterday (I actually felt guilty about it) and stayed upstairs for a bit to keep her company for an hour or two. then I remembered that I was told she likes to be alone some time, so I came downstairs to figure out how to work the tv. I managed to figure it out, got on YouTube and started watching "The Last of Us" part one: episode 12 (markiplier let's play) at the part where ellie is taking care of injured Joel and then ended up being kidnapped by the cannibalistic Pedophile (he deserved so much more pain before death). Joel manages to save her even though he isn't fully healed.

I went to bed at 130am last night, had a hard time going to sleep because I COULD NOT just warm up for the life of me. I actually woke up before my alarm this morning, I was gonna say I am surprised but I think it is because I am in someone else's house. She seems to wake up very early, is she goes to bed at like 7 or 8. She has been kind to me so far, we didn't have much of a conversation. I guess she prefers that, judging by the way she talks to the nurses when they come in. I was told that I CAN go home for a few hours but the thoughts and doubts in my head are telling me otherwise. so, I am waiting for a friend of hers (also a nurse) to come here so I can ask her if I can head home for a few hours and then come back. I just don't know when she will be here.

3:30pm - yeah, I am not going home at any point today. kind of disappointed cause if the frie d comes over NOW. there will be no point. by the time I make it home, I'll only have time to change and get tf out again. I wanted to brush my teeth and take my pills (forgot to pack them). it is kind of annoying when stuff like that happens. I had assumed I'd be here another day, I was just hoping to go home and let off some tension I have in my body. oh well, one more full day.

I just finished watching TLOU part one on YouTube, ill be watching ellie's storyline before I start on part two. Poor Ellie went through so much in her life. She was even being trained to kill fireflies. I'm a little surprised at that at the same time,it sounds like something the government would do to gain power again.

6:05pm - I just finished watching ellie's storyline, and OH MY GOD I AM IN TEARS. I fckn LOVED IT!!! AND now I am watching part two of TLOU, I am READY for tears man. anyway, I think the lady I am looking after is slowly getting ready for bed. at the very least, she is slowly getting settled down. last night, she went to bed at like 730. she got up pretty early this morning. so far, this is not much different to my own daily routine. which is great ^-^ my nerves has finally calmed down a lot today. I even wrote 4 pages in my journal!

7:24pm - woo, I might be able to go home some time after lunch tomorrow. the daughter of the lady with dementia will hopefully be here by then. she just messaged me telling me she just got home, hopefully it wasn't a rough ride back. poor thing fell off of the roof of the shed. I have been double checking the woodstove and the front door all day (actually both of us have). the front door slide open sometimes and the woodstove doesn't warm up the upper part of the house. I feel bad about that. anyway, she put herself to bed, turned off all the upstairs lights and turned off the TV. I might go to bed early tonight, knowing I have to get up at like 9am or even 830am.