#and within 24 hours i was subjected to the bullshit myself. sad

[anistarrose]

trying not to start an online fight in a comically inappropriate venue, but people also have some genuinely concerning misconceptions about this, so: if someone tells you that they can't go vegan because of dietary restrictions, you do not know more than they do about those restrictions in question. and they are under no obligation to share personal medical details in order to prove that you are wrong.

moreover, a world in which anyone has to "prove" their need for dietary accommodations to any authority — to say nothing of being denied them a priori because of a refusal to engage with even small scale, ethical animal husbandry — is enacting ableist violence on our bodies. personally, I want nothing more than for for-profit animal agriculture to burn with the rest of capitalism — but you have to understand that telling people like me to "just stop being selfish and stop eating animals" can only be translated as either "only eat things that make you violently ill," or "stop eating even the minimum amount of protein that a human can survive off of."

if you have an impulse to accuse me of overreacting, consider that the refusal of actual medical institutions to take legume and grain allergies seriously has caused me bodily harm throughout my life and to this day — with consequences for my overall lifespan that have yet to be revealed. I am not overreacting.

[thefanficmonster]

Take That!

Corpse Husband & Reader (Female) ft. Streamer Gang

Warnings: Mentions of Depression, Suppressed Sadness, Swearing

Genre: Platonic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: What is a friend? Your smile through the tears. The umbrella over your head when it starts raining. The ointment to your wound. But if you wanna put it in a more literal manner, a friend is something that doesn’t have a concrete definition. It can be the person you sit next to in class or the person who’s hundreds of miles away from you and you’re connected to through a Discord call.

Requested by Anon. Hello dear! Thank you so much for your request, sorry it’s taken me so long to complete and post it but here it finally is and I hope you enjoy the read if you happen to come across the fic. Love, Vy ❤

There are those days when I wake up excited for a new day. There are also those days when the thought of playing Among Us with my friends is all that gets me out of bed. And then there are those days when not even that can get me to budge. Today is one of those days.

I’d still be in bed right now had I not needed to use the bathroom. On my way back to hide under my covers, I heard my cat’s meow from the kitchen, reminding me she needed to be fed. After tending to that task I just sort of lost will to return to bed either. Speaking truthfully, today is a will-less day. The type of day where I have no idea what to do with myself because I feel so odd and uncomfortable: heavy and bustling head, motivation below zero no matter whether I have zero tasks to tend to or a mountain high pile of work. It’s a laying on the floor and letting my mind eat away at me type of day and I can’t say I appreciate it.

The only thing I have to look forward to is the game of Among Us Corpse invited me to yesterday. Had I known I’d wake up feeling like absolute shit, I wouldn’t have accepted. I just know I’ll be a downer the whole time because I suck at covering up how I feel - my smiling masks and faux happiness don’t cut it but staying quiet is even worse because I’m typically and energetic and bubbly person, always having something to say or a comment to add to the conversation. Always looking to make people laugh.

Well, it’s hard to make people laugh when you feel like a deflated balloon.

I can’t describe the feeling any better than that - I feel empty, maybe a little sad somewhere in the mix, unmotivated. I keep these feelings to myself cause whenever I bring them up people just blow me off, saying I’m describing laziness but more dramatically. Either that or burnout which is sometimes the case, but I’m more than sure that it’s not the culprit for today. You can only blame burnout so many times.

Anyway, I make a mental note, promising myself I’m not gonna bail on my friends regardless of whether my mood gets better or worse. Who knows, maybe a gaming session with them is exactly what I need.

                                                              *  *  *

Not much has changed with my emotional state - I’ve spent a good chunk of the day surfing through TV channels and my socials with nothing else to occupy my mind but the overwhelming knowledge that I’m not feeling ok and that hyperawareness of a void that I feel but cannot describe. At one point, Corpse sent me a text to confirm I’d be participating in the gaming session and I was this close to saying no. This close to coming up with some bullshit excuse and bailing but I didn’t, thankfully. 

Here’s the thing about this drop in mood of mine - I know it’s gonna be gone by morning. It bullies me, beats and batters me for only twenty four hours - never more, never less. Like clockwork and as precise as a Swiss watch. And so fucking annoying. No matter what I do, I can’t end it prematurely and I can never wake up feeling down and unmotivated the next morning - there’s always a surge of motivation coursing through me and it drives me to be super productive as if making up for what I didn’t do the previous day when I was in the dumps.

It’s a twisted way of it showing me I’m powerless and at the mercy of a force that, despite being mine and existing within me, I’m completely unfamiliar with. It’s so fucking unfair, it’s disheartening.

“Hi everyone! Sorry I’m late.“ I greet the five people who have already gathered in the Discord call and the Among Us lobby.

Yeah, sorry I’m late, I was contemplating not showing up at all last minute

“Don’t worry about it, many people are running late as you can see.“ Rae replies reassuringly, “How’s your day? Anything spectacular happen?“

I can’t help but scoff, “Yeah sure, a TON of spectacularism in my life on the daily. From the large stack of papers I couldn’t bring myself to touch, to the dusty surfaces all over my apartment I didn’t convince myself to clean - it’s all fabulous over here.”

Fuck, that was too real

“Whoa, where’d all this sarcasm come from?“ Rae asks, sounding genuinely baffled rather than teasing, “It’s never been your strong suit.“

“Neither has unproductivity.“ Corpse, my best friend, chimes in, “Everything ok?“

Well, I admit, I should’ve known better than to have an outburst like that in front of people who have known me for a while now and can probably gauge my emotions even without me admitting to them. I truly don’t know where it came from. Hell, I didn’t even see it coming.

“Nah, it’s ok. I’m just being lazy, I guess.” I’m quick to withdraw and brush off any suspicion. The last thing I want is to worry my friends or, even worse, receive the same response from them: that I’m being dramatic, that I’m attention-seeking, that I’m just lazy and unmotivated as are most people of my generation.

“You know, what people often self-diagnose as ‘laziness’ often turns out to be something more serious. I don’t mean to scare you, but it could be depression.“ Corpse says after a brief moment of silence in the call, his voice soft and cautious as if explaining a complex problem to a kid who’s bound to be hurt by what it’s told.

I can’t help but chuckle. He has no idea how much he’s relieved me by saying that. I always ‘don’t want to talk about it’ and ‘want to change the subject’ while what I truly need happens to be the complete opposite. I need someone to hear me out, I need someone who will not brush me and my concerns off like we don’t matter. I need someone who’ll understand. And if these people who have openly struggled with anxiety or depression don’t get me, who will?

“Yeah, I genuinely thought I thought of myself as a lowlife while I was in college cause I started losing motivation for everything and started fearing what was to come. I began avoiding going out and talking to people cause I felt like I was the sore thumb in the friend group I had - the only one without any specific goal or a dream.“ Leslie says out of the blue, “Turns out I suffered through a burnout so bad it turned into an anxiety/depression combo that I just blamed on being a lazy college student.“

“Same here!“ Toast pipes in, “I was bedridden for a while during the first days of my streaming career, for a very ridiculous reason - I believed I didn’t deserve the attention I was getting and I wasn’t doing as well as people gave me credit for. So that had me crippled with self-doubt for a long while.“

“I still don’t believe I’m doing as well as I get credit for, but oh well.“ Leslie laughs, “I already told you all about my dumpster-fire of a brain, so I’m instead gonna say: what you need is an appointment with a therapist. Also - you need to stop underestimating your struggles. Invalidating yourself and what you’re going through is gonna make things only worse for you. You need to love yourself.“

“And you need us!“ Rae exclaims, “You need the best support you can get and, lucky for you, we’re the best in the business. Count on us always being there for you, Y/N. Cause we always will be.“

“You’re never alone. We’re all just a call or a text away. Especially me.“ Corpse adds, “I’m basically at your service 24/7, just like you’ve always been for me. What are best friends for if not sharing mental struggles and lifting each other up afterwards?“

I don’t know when this smile made its home on my face but it seems to be rather happy with where it is and wants to stay. Something tells me that thanks to these guys, it will indeed stay there for quite some time. And every time it tries to slip away, they’ll be there to bring it back.

“Then let’s lift each other up, shall we? I mean, what better way to do it other than killing each other and getting away with it?“ I attempt a giggle, hiding my emotions behind it like my life depends on it. Chances are they heard all I’m feeling in my voice, but I can only hope they’re not gonna mention it.

“Y/N, hun, I’m sorry to burst your bubble but....you never get away with it.“ Corpse wheezes, causing me to narrow my eyes and frown.

“Oh, you’re so gonna get it now!“ I exclaim, cracking my knuckles before getting my hands on my keyboard, “Start the game! I have a point to prove!“

And just like that, in what felt like the blink of an eye, the clouds have shuffled aside to make path for the sunshine to grace my brain with positivity I was not expecting to feel until tomorrow morning. I can’t give myself the credit for that though - it all goes to these amazing people I have the honor of calling friends.

I may have no power over it on my own, but with the gang’s help, I can take full control of it. And as a middle finger to the melancholy, I’ll do it all with a bright smile on my face.

Take that, brain!

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[shultzing]

7/29/2018: did i already say how much of an angel this guy is

8/13/2018: i’m so mad that i’m dating someone so much cuter than me. i never intended for this to happen. my type is usually men who are just above average looking, which I was happy with. now, i have to constantly think about how i look bc I know everyone around us has GOT to be thinking like, wtf is that beautiful man doing w/ that scrubby looking twig in the ancient clothes?? and like... he HAS to know. idc so much if other people are wondering how i got w/ him as long as HE isn’t like... damn, i could be doing so much better... anyways kill me, he is too fucking handsome and this birth control is making my skin break out really bad.

8/22/2018: this whole thing about being in a casual relationship is weird and tbh i’m less and less a fan. maybe i need to grow tf up but like, here’s an example. I’m going to a show friday night that’s literally 5 minutes from his house, and i know he’s free friday, and yet i won’t invite him bc i don’t want to see him there bc i don’t want him to be part of my local music world bc then he’ll mean that much more to me and it will be that much harder to feel and act casual. so that feels shitty. and like, i could totally skip the show and just go hang out w/ him, but I know he’s not planning his life around me, so I don’t want to get myself into a frame of mind where i’m sacrificing my stuff to be w/ him, so i make a point to not plan around him and not cancel plans for him. But getting to a point where i actively don’t want him to come to things w/ me is like some kind of accomplishment but also feels like a battle i don’t want to win? like i’m getting too good at it. at first i was like... struggling w/ it and he could probably tell? esp by how much i texted him and what kinds of texts i sent. but now i’m like, i’ve got a handle on it. i’m good. and it makes me sad. like what is the point of a casual relationship? what’s the point of a relationship you barely care about?

8/26/2018: conflict resolution like bosses >:) i know it’s just a beginning but we didn’t ever even get to a point of real conflict, although we were both approaching the subject at hand from wildly different perspectives and pretty high stakes. no insults or even criticisms, just explaining ourselves, being honest, and both quick to apologize. He definitely gets flustered and then gets a lot less precise about what he’s saying but then he’ll circle back to it when he’s had a minute to process/calm down and can fix whatever he mis-explained previously. It’s good to be back to good. 

8/28/2018: first use of a pet name: drunk text -- “Goodnight cutie. Sweet dreams and I’ll talk to you tomorrow <3″

8/31/2018: the way he reacted when i got suddenly skittish/stressed out was a startling moment in a really good way. He stayed so calm/supportive/reassuring. Who knew that was possible? 

9/1/2018: i think we’re becoming friends :’) meeting someone on a dating app, everything is backward bc the romance and skin comes before the friendship/knowing the person/etc so whenever we hang out for long enough to have time to get into decently long conversations and learn about each other or fight over whether william carlos williams is a good poet or not... it’s nice, and more special. Like, oh! that’s who you are?

9/8/2018: the way that relationships evolve is strange. like, a couple of weeks ago, just getting a text from M or not getting a text from him could change my mood and ability to focus so much bc everything was so new and uncertain and both exciting and stressful. now it’s okay either way. we’ve been dating for a little more than 2 months and things are getting to be sort of familiar and comfortable and less of a constant heart attack. the newness is still strange, there’s always some surprise. The other night he came over w/ his hair down and I was like ???? since when do you have hair like a young eddie vedder?? what is this?? but he was just like... yeah, that’s how it is right after i shower. i had no idea. it’s nice to literally get to watch someone slowly learn to trust you. he doesn’t act shy but it’s also easy to tell that he always has his walls up, I definitely have never seen them down yet, and that is okay. but the more comfortable he gets, the warmer he gets, and that’s really sweet. i’m frequently surprised by how competent of a person he is. he goes to the gym, he eats healthy, he’s a good boss, he’s a good student, he’s a good dog-parent etc. he asks questions like, “reading anything good lately?” and also corrected me instantly when I said KDC died in 93. he communicates clearly/gently/honestly. i’m getting to know some of his flaws, too. anyways i was out w/ a friend (allison c.) last night and we were talking about how shitty men are. i told her that the reason i’m w/ M is mainly just to get a chance to date someone who seems like he can prove that men can actually be really good. told her a story about how M reacted whenever i was having a bad moment and she was like, “I literally have goosebumps rn.” it was cute. reminded me not to take him for granted while he’s in my life. hope i’m not.

9/11/2018: M’s coming over tomorrow and i can’t waittttt. We try to see each other twice a week but sometimes it doesn’t happen and then it feels like forever. But now it’s less than 24 hours until i can hold his hands and kiss his face and i’m so ready.

9/13/2018: If this relationship is going to stick for a while... i can’t wait for the stage to come where i actually know him well enough that i’m not always overanalyzing/overreacting to every little cue. like there’s so much i don’t know that i can learn little things and be like WAIT WHAT? and get really stressed about it and i can’t wait for that to be over. how long til there’s an underlying level of trust/knowledge/comfort? 

9/23/2018: Okay so for the most part this relationship is starting to feel normal. It still doesn’t always feel real just because he is so segregated from the rest of my life. No mutual friends. no school to share, no work to share, no volunteering or show circuit. No one else has met him or even really knows what he looks like bc of a lack of recent pictures. I’m slowly getting more confident and comfortable within it, even though i do still second guess myself a lot more than i usually do. I guess i’m used to being fussed over and spoiled. But this isn’t like that at all. We’re both a) adults and b) busy and c) on opposite sides of the city and he’s still pretty reserved so I know I’m like, low-ish on his priorities list. Like i’m ON the list, but somewhere beneath going to the gym and getting a haircut, and about 10 miles below his dog. It’s fine, it’s only been like 3 months. Less than that. ANYWAY we’ve finally graduated out of the just-casual-relationship category and into the normal relationship category. Or, he said he thought we did a month ago, but I didn’t realize that’s what he was saying. So now I can stop filtering everything I say and do through that ever-present, “is this too serious?” lens and just do what makes sense/comes naturally. or something. I’m super excited about that bc that was getting really tiring and unromantic. 

9/30/2018: Uhhh, we went back into a weird “unlabeled” category where like we’re monogamous but nothing else is defined? Which I think is really lame but I also am trying to be patient and not pressure him and stuff. But I still think it’s silly and juvenile and kind of embarrassing. I mean I know he has his reasons and he needs to work through them on his own and at his own pace but for ME, it’s silly. Anyways. Still feels like there’s so much I don’t know about him or how he works or thinks or feels. But he still is always surprising me by just sheer level of sweetness. I feel like that’s always how I walk away, like, idk that guy but he sure has a kind heart. 

10/4/2018: Ok the back and forth stalling on what we’re even doing and all the associated casual dynamics have kinda killed the romance for me. like it’s cool and all but i’m done obsessing over the relationship and probably won’t be updating this anymore bc i really don’t care and continuing to write about it is just trying to make it a bigger deal to me than it really is.

10/19/2018: Nearly 4 months in and it’s still such a roller coaster, my perspective, optimism/pessimism and level of happiness change like every 48 hours. Sometimes i think we’re on the verge of breaking up because we’re too different or because we overworked the dynamics of our relationship too much. Sometimes i think we’re on the verge of stepping closer because our good days really are good. I’m always surprised by how complicated every little thing is, questioning where my feelings are coming from and whether i’m either getting carried away on good days or paranoid and trust-issues-y on bad days. And there is definitely also a background kind of darkness/heaviness surrounding the fact that the more time goes by, the more i understand that i’m really not even close to being over R. But on Wednesday he and I went to Red Emma’s and then took his dog for a walk and then watched princess bride (both of our favorite childhood movie) and ended up staying up til 5-something in the morning just lying next to each other talking about bullshit. Like it wasn’t staying up all night to work out something serious or anything. I don’t even remember what we were talking about. I remember at some point he started trying to recite post malone lyrics and could not stop laughing for so long. I remember on 9/8 I wrote that i know i’ve never seen him w/ his guard down and i still usually feel like that, but then sometimes lately i think it comes down for a second and it’s always really nice and makes me think it’s worth working/waiting for. It’s understandable that he’d still have a lot of walls up when our relationship has been so rocky and it’s still in the baby stages anyways. I know he must be feeling more and more sure of us bc the way his sister treats me changed distinctly this weekend. Like she was always super nice, but now she treats me like she expects me to be around/expects to and wants to make friends, which is so nice. He’s still incredible when I get triggered. Sometimes I just suddenly can’t anymore and he’s never even hinted at the slightest inkling of being frustrated by that. 

11/4/2018: “do you love me?” “yes. i do love you. its been screaming in my head to say it every time I look at you.” “then why didn’t you get me a seltzer water?” 

11/30/2018: “I’m breaking up with you, and I want to marry you, and I love you.”

---

update: this is going to be a running/updated post for all bullshit things i think about M but should be telling no one and should absolutely not be posting on the internet.