#and will alienate me further
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this week i stfg
#a week of discovery#far less secure in my gender than i thought#high chance I've got some sort of nerve damage that makes me unable to feel anything good#and will alienate me further#apparently i'm still holding onto trauma from 7 years ago that's making it so fucking hard to go to my work christmas party alone#but my +1 pulled out so it's alone or not at all#it turns out that my closest friend doesn't view me even remotely as closely as i view them#which is fair and exactly what i expected why would they view me as their best friend#but gutting to find out the way i did#i feel nauseous thinking about it#now i don't think i can interpret them including me in things as anything beyond a guilty or obligation invite#my presence really must be so burdensome#maybe i should turn back to my terminal burrowing shtick#it's contained#oh and the cto at work has way too much confidence in me#and is gunning to give me a job i do not have the skills for#but can't rightfully say no to#and now i've woken up with a migraine#and my skin is screaming#i think im gonna be more alone that before#it was already unbearable
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ok but the real tragedy of assassin's creed will always be the spiralling domino effect that underlies the series and that every protagonist is fundamentally just a pawn in a bigger game they'll never see and that they'll never be able to change because they are just a single piece of a puzzle which also means that every single tragedy that had happened to them doesn't matter to the predetermind bigger picture because it always had to happen the trauma was just collateral you can't escape it. altair watched his family die just so he could pass on a key. ezio's watched his family die so he could deliver one message that wasn't even meant for him. kassandra watched centuries rise and pass and empires crumble because she was only needed to pass on the staff to someone else.
#assassin's creed#i get back into assassin's creed#i start having a existential crisis#nothing messed me up more than the entirety of assassin's creed 2 happening because the alien gid people had one short message for desmond#and then they were done with ezio the universe was done with him he wasn't needed anymore he just decided to stick around anyway#or eivor going to that cave in America but refusing to go any further because she KNOWS deep down its just for somebody else
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#it makes me sad to hear how frustrated and fearful of alienating fans patrick was during mania esp given how people responded:(#he’s right though. love to hear him say again that they should have gone even further
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every time I wear my headphones and I hear a heartbeat, there are a few seconds where I’m wondering if it’s cure or my own heartbeat 
#i’m saying this because this just happened#and it in fact was not cure#its actually so bad i do that#its just a song#but it’s not just a song#its a lifestyle *wipes away tear*#im being so unserious right now#but seriously#that song destroys me#it comes on when im in class rhats it#no work gets done#im in mourning until further notice#alas#alnst ivan#alnst till#alien stage#alnst
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scenes that make you take a stress lap around the living room
#I FORGOT. ABOUT THIS. CHRIST#yinsen..........................#how DO you be normal after this how do you be NORMAL. after this#the further i get into im1 the more i'm like. ah. tony's post-new york anxiety was definitely in part just like.#realizing his post-afghanistan post-obie Safety Mechanisms were useless#guy who comes home from Traumatic Experience and goes it's fine it's okay i'll just build a suit of armour. I'll just wear it all the time#i'll put it in a briefcase so i can always have it with me#vs guy who comes home from Alien Invasion and is like it's fine it's okay i'll just build 40 of them#they can fly without me i can call them from wherever i am i can be in 40 places at once i can protect everyone it's fine it's okay#I'LL BUILD A SUIT OF ARMOUR. AROUND THE WORLD#kayvswords#kayvsim12024
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I think when Till gets rescued by the rebels, the video should cut to black with like 20 seconds left.
Then you slowly see a small red light fade in at the center of the screen just before the video actually ends…
But that’s just me idk
#i’m going to shoehorn ivan back into this god forsaken series with my bare hands#plus a scene like this would be sick as fuck#the red growing in ivan’s eyes could be symbolic or the result of further experimentation to bring him back from the brink of death#the physical embodiment of the dread of knowing alien stage isn’t over and you can’t win without losing something/someone#the girlies would be foaming at the mouth#it’s me i’m girlies#alien stage#alien stage ivan#alnst#alnst ivan#alien stage round 7#alnst round 7#ivanttakethis talks too much
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you get paper sketches today because i've been trying to write
mostly serial killer emo terrys :3 tomorrow who knows
#korvo opposites#korvo solar opposites#solar opposites#solar opposites tervo#terry opposites#terry solar opposites#terry x korvo#tervo#ss.art#step alien au#stabs u cutely and licks it up teehee!!!#the fic i'm writing is called 'cucumber graft: terry's garden pt 1' and you can thank my husband#who reminded me today about plant on plant grafting#i shan't elaborate further.
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"We can get through this by working together, reach out to your friends, community is all we have, a social network will be your security in the world, now is the time to lean on others!"
I do agree, and it's scientifically sound (pretty sure there is data about how people with better social networks live longer and etc) but also....augh..... what about the severe social issues, difficulty to leave the house, physical issues which lead to like zero socialization energy a majority of the time, etc. etc. Social support can be a replacement for structural support, but.. I guess I just wish it didn't have to be. Community is extremely difficult to build, even moreso if you're someone who has issues with social cues or group conversations or even just being around others in the first place. And blah, nuance, of course I'm just complaining or maybe being too negative or maybe misunderstanding, but, I hardly have the energy to brush my hair once every 2 months.. how am I supposed to maintain a wide social network and be active in a Community and Join Groups lol... sometimes it kind of feels like "er.. well if thats my only option then...... ruh roh". It's overwhelming
#Kind of like some post I saw a long time ago talking about how even the meanest shittiest most difficult to get along with#elderly people or whaever still deserve to have some sort of systems in place to support them so they're not just relying on the#grace of relatives or etc. who may not be able to deal with them. Not saying that I'm like mean and cruel or anything#but the fact of the matter is in most social situations either I am compromising or the other person is. Not in like an ~`ouuu im so weirdd#nobody willever understand my quirky swagg hee heee~' way but like a.. Just factually the things that make me happy and comfortable#are often incompatible with people. The way I communicate and process things is different from the way other people do and that#is always a barrier. I cannot have ''easy''' interactions. Even with 'understanding' people there is nearly always a significant#amount of effort. You can't walk into a group of people and then be like ''okay you guys all have to wear#masks and you also cant play music too loud and also we should communicate turns of speaking very clearly so group conversations#arent too stressful. and also i need this and that and we have to do this and that and '' etc. etc. You CAN. And some people will#go along with that. but they will ALWAYS secretly resent you for it. You will be the one person they're relieved to not have to be around.#theyre glad when you dont show up since they can go back to doing things however they want and not masking and all these boring#annoying things. OR you can say none of that and just deal with the loud music and the talking and the unmasked people. but then#YOU'RE compromising. and no matter how nice they are it's exhausting to be around and youre just further alienated#while in the presence of people and uncofmrtoabel the whole time.#Which I'm not saying the only form of community is a group setting specificially but just giving that as an example lol#I just wish there were a better option than ''well learn to socialize normally or just suffer then'' . Which I know is not what people are#saying. I guess I just always feel a bit scared when 'community is the answer'. Since its not like 'oh im just socially anxious and need to#get out of my shell~!' or something thats really that remedy-able. It's like.. my mostly unchangeable physical health issues combined#with the mostly unchangable literal way that my brain processes sensory informationand other things means that interacting with#others in a normal and easy way is incredibly difficult and often exhausting especially to maintain in any longform fashion. So then#when it's like ''the answer to staying safe is to maintain longform social connections!! :3 just reach out!!'' then.. ermm... O_O#also I'm not even one of the cutesy shy emotional hermits that's nervous. I'm the Bad Stereotype emotionless robotic cold seeming#looms in the corner of the room type of thing so people have less pity on you in that way. -_- ANYWAY gghj#I need like.. a designated social representative or something.. When I did work in that bookshop forever ago they gave me a#person who basically was just with me to help communicate with others on my behalf and supervise me and stuff. I need that.. Some#more extraverted person I can latch onto and they can maintain the Social Support Network for me and I can just be their +1 to all#of the Social Things and community. I have helpful skills I can contribute to other people and stuff it's just like.. I cant socialize lol#I cook food or something for you.. then you keep me in contact with Community.. a deal. (but then what about when I'm too sick to#contribute? as is often the case. there's not much place for people like me in communities sometimes i fear.. sigh.) ***
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i just watched all of us strangers and um, that shit hits hard
#mescal my new crush with three of my all time favourite actors?! lgbtq rep?!#you bet i was watching that#(spoilers ahead >>)#but fml the tag under it said ''fantasy'' so i sort of went in with a hint#except at first i thought it was like a dystopian thing or an alien thing#and then it just got worse when my only two options turned out to be ''he sees ghosts'' or ''he suffers from schizophrenia''#😭😭 and the last scene omfg the scene where he founds him dead bro I FELT THAT COMING#i wasn't expecting to read the guy was already dead since the first day they show him?!#like stop. why did i even go digging further#yeah it made sense bc of the smell but 😭😭 i was already destroyed you didn't need to fucking kill him alright#let's not even begin to unwrap the whole rollercoaster with his parents bc i've got my issues myself and ugh#idek if anyone's gonna read this but i needed to vent#listen it was a good film but it has some touchy subjects frme#at least it wasn't all in his mind 😭#fml it'd been some time since a film destroyed me like this#films#all of us strangers#paul mescal#andrew scott#rambling
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smthin about this from julie gardner about when the doctor "gives" rose the other doctor: "...and of course our doctor can't say it. And why can't he say it? He can't say it because... he can't ever be completely human. And he has to be in pain."
ALSO this from billie piper: "when belle kisses the beast and he turns into a man, and you're really happy that he's human, but you're also really upset that the beast is gone. and I always felt like that at the end- I don't know where I'm going with this, but I always felt like she shouldn't be kissing that number two, and also he's not the same, it's all a bit weird."
I have so many! questions! thoughts even!
#SEE LOOK THIS IS BOTH ME BANGING MY DRUM ABOUT THE WAY ALLOROMANTIC PEOPLE (ilu judie gardner) CANNOT FULLY UNDERSTAND AROMANTICISM#AND SO THEY'RE STUCK WITH THESE LIMITED IDEAS BUT THEY'RE SOOO CIRCLING AROUND SOMETHING ALMMOST TRUTHFUL HERE!!! BUT THEY LAND ON 'ALIEN'#AND IT'S ALSO ME BEING LIKE: BILLIE AGREES WITH ME THAT THERE'S SOMETHING OFF ABOUT ROSE AND TENTOO!!!!#doctor who#dw#billie knows!!!!#rose tyler#the doctor#AND THAT IS ALSO INTERESTING FROM AN AROACE IDEA -- THAT TEN CANNOT GIVE ROSE WHAT SHE WANTS#AND EVEN WHEN TRYING TO -- BEING LIKE 'HERES BASICALLY ME BUT NOT' IT'S NOT WHAT ALLOROMANCE IS#AND SEE ROSE WOULD PROBABLY BE HAPPIER WITH A DOCTOR WHO'S LOVE FOR HER WAS DIFFERENT SLIGHTLY TO HERS#BUT STILL SO INTENSE BECAUSE OF ALL THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH#AND NOT SO EASILY DEFINABLE -- THAN SOMEONE THAT IS BASICALLY THE SAME BUT ALLOROMANTIC AND HUMAN#this is two different things ive been thinking about but it's in the same segment/connected so#wait im gonna have to rb this with further thoughts
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COP 3 really bringing out the worst of the "female coded MCs" takes on Choices Reddit. Lord please yeet me into Mount Atropo.
#like please ask yourself#why is the MC getting walked down the aisle only cringe or problematic when its a non-female MC. do yall not hear yourselves.#i mean I'm not gonna pretend Choices doesn't or has never had gender coding problems#and I'm also not gonna pretend like Choices doesn't write with wlm routes in mind#PB seriously does need more variety and should let us have masculine MCs and feminine LIs#but when ppl are acting like it's only a problem for m!MCs (and sometimes nb!MCs) that's where I start to lose sympathy#Choices and tbh most content in the romance genre in general is already alienating to us GNC/genderqueer folks#+ ppl who like non-normative romance#and takes like these just further alienate us#like idk psure there are men who LIKE being treated as the bride (and their female partner being the groom if mlw) for fucking once#and you'd be hard pressed to find media let alone an interactive game that lets them live out that fantasy#these stories may not have been intentionally made for them but it'd still be pretty fuckin meaningful that they get that here#and who knows maybe it can pave the way for other media to do it too and maybe even better/intentionally#it's fine to want masc MCs but dont act like its not important for f!players too#because as a gal I'm still waiting on when these stories will let me watch my husband-to-be walk down the aisle :P#cop 3#cop 3 spoilers#crimes of passion#crimes of passion 3#crimes of passion 3 spoilers#choices game#choices#choices stories you play#choices stories we play fandom#choices stories we play#cadybear vents#cadybear rants
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Ohhhh i now remember why i got shy about talking abt ocs
24/7 fear that someone will tell me my ideas are cliche/stupid/bad in some other and it will hurt more bc these are my own creations and not just fun and play
#kurjatxt#i was trying 2 explain some stuff and i was immediately like#:/ does this feel like some kinf of weird hype for ancient mysticism and does that go into promoting the current day false ideas plaguing#people that make them drink unpasturized milk :/#is this too based on my view on magic from my enviroment bc it is based on my personal experience on seeking safety in#nostalgia and playing w the idea of balancing what you get from the past and integrating it into the future vs. just being stuck in the#past vs. the danger of completely rejecting the past told through the lense of smth i loved as a child: fantasy/magic/fairytales :/#and could be alienating and immature and demeaningly simple to other people who grew up in an enviroment already more inclined to#this kind of balance :/#or is me thinking about this demeaning to people bc i should be able to trust them to see what i make as silly ramblings by some random#tumble user just exploring their own experiences through story instead of trying to make some large sweeping statements about#the world and its reality :/#or is it bad of me to be careless about bc of COURSE i should put the upmost care into what i put out into the world and make sure that#everything i make is inclusive and as accessible to as many different types of people to relate to :/#or is that dumb is that limiting to art and am i giving a bad example and furthering the idea of people#havibg to make everything as palatable to everyone as possible JUST in case that nobody gets even slightly hurt or annoyed :/#man being a creator is hard OOPS that is also an evil thing to say being a creator is the luckiest thing you can ever be and ur just beinh#a whiny bitchbaby :/#<-#all that just. a small portion of the overthinking#and yk what it started from?#thr statement '<#in this world magic can be kind of more compared to how modern science is approached'#THAT SENTENC3#I AM SO STRESSED ABOUT#WhY IS MY BRAIN LIKE THIS!!!! I DONT KNOW!!!#sorry this is prolly the longest tags ive ever put on a post sorry to whoever opened the see more for this#its just. i think tj3 first tim3 ive been able.to expresw the circles my brain does and its kind of therapeutic#maybe i should start writing these circles down more often so i could see how dumb they rly are on paper#instead.of fretting inside my heae
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Ever since I was a little girl I’ve known that I would be the family weirdo and feel alienated and ignored for my entire life
#ugh it’s the holidays#that means visiting my 900 cousins and relatives#and hence my never ending problem of everyone already having a group of people to hang with and me being in none of those groups#bc the problem is#my family I visit for the holidays all stays in one like general area#so that means everyone’s known eachother since birth and sees eachother like every week#and the. there’s me 6 hours away from everyone and only seeing folks like once or twice a year#and ofc my neurodivergentness comes from the side we DONT see so I don’t even have that weird neurodivergent bond thing with anyone#so when I do see these people who I do not understand or have anything in common with#they ignore me bc they’re with their cousins they’ve known all their life and are like besties with#and trying to join results in weird looks and further alienation#so my options are either hover outside a group of cousins and just kinda observe with occasional comments or attempts to be acknowledged#engage in/observe in the younger aunts and uncles and older cousins and their mildly interesting topics#or find a random corner to chill in#which is the hardest bc these people have small houses and ALOT of guests
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Pathfinders to Mars (ABC, 1960 - 1961)
"You know, Henderson, the progress of true science depends not only on the cold, calculating types, but also on the adventurers and dreamers. There's a place for all of us under the sun."
"Yes... as long as we don't get too close to it."
#pathfinders to mars#abc#children's television#classic tv#1960#guy verney#malcolm hulke#eric paice#gerald flood#pamela barney#george coulouris#stewart guidotti#hester cameron#hugh evans#astor sklair#peter williams#bernard horsfall#maurice durant#lisa peake#ian sadler#the pathfinders serials seem to have been in production nearly back to back‚ with very little gap between transmission#but that didn't mean there weren't further shakeups between Space and Mars; the two younger children were written out (the hamster remains#don't worry)‚ replaced by the niece of Flood's character tagging along; Peter Williams patronly father figure also disappears after a brief#appearance in the first ep‚ leaving Flood's genial sciencey everyman to take the lead focus. the most notable introduction is surely#the legendary George Coulouris (a former member of Welles' Mercury Theatre) as a slightly loony alien life truther who bluffs his way onto#the voyage; bf was present for me watching this with my dad and he DETESTED this new character‚ a perpetually suspicious and treacherous#hindrance to every one else whose stupid schemes and mischief routinely put eveyone in mortal danger. i get it... but then he's kind of fun#too‚ for all his ridiculousness... ymmv of course. the Coulouris character is perhaps the closest parallel we can see with Doctor Who‚#bearing more than a little similarity to the original Hartnell characterisation (by which i mean the very very original‚ in the first few#serials; purposefully mysterious‚ even antagonistic‚ often at odds with his fellow travellers but with a bond with a young girl among them)
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I’m like Johnny Truant in the tags of every goddamn post I make or reblog on this site and I’m not apologizing. If you want me to apologize come over to my house and you can talk to the minotaur about it
#House of leaves#im literally going insane these days I should go back to journaling but I’m also afraid of how far off the deep end I’ll go#Literally I am losing it and I’m being serious#I’m so fucking tired of being lonely and being left out and not being able to make connections#Sometimes I feel as if im doing things without realizing and no one is telling me about it#Other times it feels like I must have something incredibly wrong with my face or body and no one will say anything#People make plans and don’t bother to ask me if I want to join and then when I find out there’s a group chat that all my friends are in#Except me and when I asked if I could join I was given a bunch of reasons that were frankly bullshit why I couldn’t join#Are they talking shit about me? I know everybody there it’s not like I am a stranger#Am I just a stranger in this world as I unllikeable? I try my best to be nice and charitable but what am I missing?#Do I black out and say things and do things? Am I more mentally ill than I know?#The only reason (or one of the very few) why I stay alive is because of my horses because I know they would miss me and I already feel bad#Not seeing them everyday#I’m tired of being the odd one out I’m tired of being entertaining when necessary#I don’t want my only friends to be horses because it further alienates me from the rest of society and I just want to be accepted I’m not#Looking to fit in I just want connection and friendship and I can barely seem to manage that#Maybe I’m just not worth it.
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going to watch alien: romulus tomorrow (or possibly the next day) all by myself !!!!!
#now I just have to figure out if i want to go to the local theatre or the one further away with the fancier tech lol#i think ill probably do the local one bc its closer and i have a free ticket anyway#and maybe ill go to the bookstore afterwards.....hmmm#ive never been to the movies by myself#im not scared but i AM scared someone i know will be there and then be like ''haha. where's all your friends dipshit''#i could probably rope someone else into going with me but i really like the alien movies and i want to watch it alone first#because if they don't like it it'll really spoil the whole thing for me#UGH BUT IM MORE COMFORTABLE AT THE BIG THEATER FARTHER AWAY idk man#i guess ill see how i feel tomorrow
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