#and who's second boyfriend (my father) committed suicide after which she never fell in love again

[daemoninfluff]

second-part-of-my-last-name family has sadly always been unlucky in all things love

[uservillanelle]

Killing Eve ― 3x02 (Review)

I’m finally back to discuss 3x02!! It’s kind of late, I know, but thankfully I haven���t read any other reviews, reactions or thoughts of the episode yet, so my opinion hasn’t been affected by anyone elses and the perspective is still pretty fresh, lol! So let’s get into it, shall we?

The Funeral

This is exactly the place that ended up bringing all, or most, of characters together. Literally. Carolyn is there, Eve is there, Konstantin as well, Kenny’s girlfriend Audrey including his employer and a colleague. Oh, let’s not forget Kenny’s sister - Geraldine! The only person who’s missing here is Villanelle.

I assume they haven’t seen each other for 6 months. And by “they” I mean Eve, Carolyn and Konstantin. Some thought that Konstantin being there was very random, but not exactly. Sure, he didn’t personally know Kenny, but he makes it look like he’s there to support Carolyn since they are “old friends”. Eve immediatelly picks up on that and calls him out. “Don’t pretend... for one second, that you ever think of anyone but yourself.” Eve hasn’t spent as much time around Konstantin as Villanelle has, and despite that fact she seems to know him really well. And in a way, by saying so Eve is reminding US of who exactly is Konstantin Vasiliev.

So. The Bathroom scene. Now that I’m thinking about it, there are 3 characters that perfectly express 3 different stages of grief. Carolyn seems to be almost unaffected by her son’s death, not saying much, not feeling much, perhaps? At least she doesn’t show it. She’s clearly in denial and that’s the first stage of grief. Then there’s Eve, who is so determined to get to the bottom of things and solve the case that got her dear friend killed. She’s obviously angry because she’s the only one who truly believes Kenny didn’t commit a suicide. That’s second stage of grief. And finally, there’s Audrey, who allows herself to be vulnerable and accepts the fact that Kenny’s gone. So pain and acceptance follows the previous two stages. It’s just so interesting as to why they would throw all 3 of them in a bathroom like that with three completely different reactions. So yeah, I do think they did th scene only to show us how those 3 are dealing with the loss. 

Next, Geraldine comes into the picture. And she does that through Konstantin. Konstantin is minding his own business, getting his hands on the food and Geraldine comes to greet him, obviously happy to see him again. Based on their brief conversation during the scene shows that she had a way better relationship/bond with Konstantin than she did with her own mother. That says a lot. Also, we find out that Konstantin has been there for quite  A LONG time since she and Kenny were kids. It’s safe to say he and Carolyn did have an affair at some point and who knows... maybe he was way more involved in their lives than they’re letting us on. But yeah, I’ll touch upon Geraldine and Konstantin a bit later.

The fact that Carolyn was the only one who was wearing WHITE instead of black gives us a clear indication of the denial. Not only she did that, but.. “Couldn’t we be sad and listen to good music?” Carolyn Martens, everybody. She might just have the weirdest yet coolest one-liners in the show and I’m all about it.

Were any of you just as annoyed by Jamie, Kenny’s employer, as Eve was? I’m sure the conversation between him and Eve was intentional especially knowing that they will have to work together to crack the case of Kenny’s death, but damn! Still not sure what to think about him. Seems rather shady to me. Then again.. there are too many shady characters on this show we cannot trust, lol, so might as well add another one in the list!

Villanelle & Dasha

I honestly thought that the new place Villanelle moved in belonged to her wife. It only made sense. I mean.. where the hell is MARIA?! Don’t tell me we won’t see her again. What’s the point in having Villanelle marry someone and not share any scenes with that character again? We  better see her again and the fact that Villanelle is not even wearing her wedding ring is hilarious and shows exactly how FAKE their marriage really is.

Okay, back to Villanelle and Dasha. I don’t think her wanting to go back to Russia is the only, or main, reason why she had to bring Villanelle back into business. I hope we won’t have to wait until the finale to find out what Dasha did to Villanelle. It had to be something very extreme.. or not at all. Let’s not forget... Eve rejected to go with Villanelle and she shot her..almost killed her. So Villanelle saying she’ll kill Dasha.. you can never know, right? 

Villanelle having to work WITH someone? Really? I think the show made it pretty clear in 1x04 how Villanelle can’t work in a group. It will not end up well and this time it was no different. I actually liked Felix a lot. He was such a baby, but he did fucked up after all and Villanelle told him straight away that she’ll kill him if he made her look “bad”. Good old foreshadowning on it’s finest. 

Patience and responsibility is required to be a Keeper. Villanelle has neither of those two and she even admitted that herself. She knows it, we know it, and Dasha knows it. Instead, she tells her to “pretend” to be patient and responsible. Not only that, but handle Felix in a particulary way, by lying to him and giving false hope he “might” be good. Not a minute after, Dasha uses this manipulation technique on Villanelle to show how well it works. Thankfully she didn’t fell for it. But that makes me wonder... if Dasha has been acting like this ever since she found Villanelle again. She’s giving her false hopes of becoming a Keeper and being “good enough” to be one. She has no power to make Villanelle a Keeper, so... she’s manipulating her to do the dirty work and.. maybe deal with her after she did whatever she was needed to do. Which might lead to yet another betrayal... and this time she might not survive. 

It has always been Konstantin’s job to remind Villanelle of Eve and tease her about her all the damn time, so when Dasha brought Eve up and Villanelle possibly STILL thinking about her, she got immediatelly defensive and kind of pissed off? I mean... it doesn’t get as obvious as this. We get it, sweetie. You’re still as much in love with her as you were 6 months ago. 

Carolyn

There was a part of me that believed in a way that Carolyn might be involved in her own son’s death. Yes, that would be very fucked up to say the least, but... we don’t actually know her, do we? She could’ve done anything and everything and we wouldn’t know. And neither do other characters, as it seems. Even Konstantin, who has known her for YEARS is ordered to spy on her. Truth is... we don’t really know anything. But then.. there’s something else.

Then we get the scene in the car, which was very well needed. We needed to see a more vulnerable side of her, the emotional side of Carolyn to see that.. she might not have been involved in Kenny’s death. She has been acting that entire time, pretending he comitted suicide because she knew there will be people who would be spying on her. Hell, she probably knows Konstantin was there to do that, but decided not to mention anything.

One name. FIONA SHAW. The car scene was phenomenal. Carolyn doesn’t get many scenes like that where she gets show emotion and open up a bit more so I really appreciated the scene and again... her GOLDEN one-liners. “Why don’t you go and do that thing... where you close your eyes and breathe?” This line KILLED ME! It might just be the most iconic Carolyn line for me so far. Don’t try to change my mind lol!

So on top of everything that’s going on, and her trying to investigate Kenny’s death, wanting Eve’s help... she tries to talk about her family, especially her father but Eve’s not having any of it. So plan B is to bring up Villanelle, because ohh she knows...just how important Villanelle was AND still is to Eve and all she needs to do really is to binrg a photo of her most recent victim and tell Eve that she’s back. This can’t be about Villanelle anymore... I mean Kenny JUST died and this just has to be a way for Carolyn to get Eve back in the game. And it has worked.. even though Eve declined her offer. “I thought you’d want to know” Yes, Eve DOES know now. And she won’t let it go. The level of her “subtle” manipulation is just... soo efficient. What I don’t understand is why she keeps “firing” Eve and then coming back later and asking her to come back and chase Villanelle all over again. And when she does so... Carolyn doesn’t want Eve to be as invested in Villanelle anymore and that’s the same case with Villanelle and Konstantin and honestly... this topic deserves a separate discussion and I’ll touch upon it really soon because I’m VERY curious and even slightly frustrated about the whole thing.

Konstantin

This man might be just as shady as Carolyn is, this season. At least one thing we DO know. He has a mission and will play an important role. Last season all that he wanted was to get back to his family and hopefully quit working for the Twelve? Yeah, that didn’t work out. Like at all. 

He’s not with his family, his wife has a boyfriend, his daughter is stuck with them and she hates it and Konstantin doesn’t really care that much. I mean, what could he do? Bring Irina with? She’d only end up dead so he can’t involve his family into this thing. And that leaves him alone in this... mess. I’m not even sure where his REAL loyalties lie anymore. I’d say his family but you can never know. He did say... he never stopped working for the Twelve. So that might just answered my previous question.

At the same time I feel he is STILL working with Carolyn to some extend. Carolyn went to tell Eve that Villanelle is back then Konstantin goes to find Villanelle to let her know that Eve is alive and well. Were Konstantin and Carolyn ordered to do that separately or it’s their own plan in getting Eve and Villanelle to chase one another once more? Shady stuff, indeed. 

Just like Carolyn manipulates Eve, Konstantin’s like “Eve’s alive. But DON’T go to London”. LMAO, seriously Konstantin?! Of course she’s NOT going to London in the following episode to visit Eve. Don’t even worry about it. It’s very suspicious he only comes to visit Villanelle after half a year and exactly when Eve knows that she is back and everything else. He was ordered to stay in London for a while... so now he’ll bring Villanelle to London and shit will go down. Good job, dad!

Eve

So recently I had a very huge realization. The thing is... Eve has always been Villanelle’s shadow in a way, because most of us LOVE Villanelle to pieces and we often, if not all the time, forget about Eve being another LEAD of the show. I’m not gonna lie, I was like that for the past two seasons and I really underestimated her. But.. this season, these first two episodes proved me wrong and I’m still shocked as to how much Eve has changed since S2. I can’t really put my finger on it... but shes’s different. Shes completely different person now. She’s so much more grounded in so many ways, and yeah I know she’s a MESS right now but the character development so far... wow. Maybe she’s like that because Niko is not really in her life anymore and she doesn’t need to pretend about anything. She gets to express how she really feels and I’m all for it. I’ve been ASLEEP for too damn long... and I finally awoke.. and I fucking LOVE Eve Polastri. Please, do not underestimate her. She and Villanelle were always equal but now... now they truly are and I cannot wait for next episode to see how she’ll react to Villanelle and how different their interactions will be from now on. Since.. old Eve IS dead and this Eve gives zero shits about anything. All I can say... careful, Villanelle, you don’t want to mess with her. 

Sandra Oh. That’s it. Her ability to just.. become this new version of Eve fascinates me so much. It almost seems like she doesn’t even need to try and I LOVE that. She’s bringing this wild, crazy side to Eve that we haven’t really seen before and her every scene deserves a fucking applause. Truly. So let’s appreciate Sandra for being sooo ridiculously amazing as Eve and serving us each episode with amazing content. I’m starting to see what Villanelle sees in Eve... and I’m a bit worried lol!

Alsooo I can’t be the only one who noticed the change in Eve’s choice for drinks. Throughout first two seasons she ALWAYS went for Gin and Tonic. Now, though? It’s only GIN. Yeah, this is a different Eve and shes going for real, clear drinks and that’s all we need to know. 

Villanelle 

I’ve covered most of the things previously in ‘Villanelle & Dasha’ part. I just want to quickly discuss Jodie Comer’s acting. Can we do that, please? Okay, so there were two scenes that stuck out for me. The one where she and Felix had THE conversation about being rejected by the loves of their lives AND obviously the ending scene with Konstantin. Jodie Marie Comer. There are NO limits for her acting... none at all and I still catch myself watching scenes like that with my jaw to the floor. 

The scene with Felix is soooo important and you can’t tell me Villanelle is incapable of having feelings after watching it. She HAS feelings and she DOES feel them. More intensively than others too. And the way they used the Unloved “Cry” soundtrack in there... just glued me to the screen and I had to rewatch the scene several times. A truly highlight of the episode.

Now... the ending scene. That was something I didn’t think I’ll see in terms of.. how outstanding Jodie’s acting was. They also focused on HER only, blurrying Konstantin’s image out and pushing him into the background because that’s how Villanelle felt. She basically went through AT LEAST 4 emotions through the same scene and that’s all because she found out Eve is actually alive and... I’m still SHOOK. 

Soundtracks

Just feeling like I need to mention how wonderful are the show’s soundtracks. Like the crew finds and picks mostly not very popular songs and they work so well and makes the show so unique. Most shows use already known songs and Killing Eve just... goes for something unpopular (yet), older foreign songs that fit so perfectly in the given location of the show and the songs usually, if not always, have a very deep meaning. They reflect and tell a story for us that the characters are not telling and that is suuch a brilliant way of using the soundtracks. The two that I REALLY loved this episode was USP by Liz Lawrence and Dart For My Sweetheart by Archie Bronson Outfit. If I’m correct both of the songs were playing during Kenny’s funeral, which is soo fucked up! But like.. thanks Carolyn, for requesting some good ass music!! I definitely recommend you guys to check those songs out and the rest of the soundtracks, as they carry such a strong Killing Eve vibe!

Overall Thoughts 

Like I said about the premiere being and feeling different, this episode was somewhat similar to that meaning that the show is different now and we shouldn’t expect miracles of it because we will end up disappointed. So far, I’m loving it and I CANNOT wait for next episode... I know I will not surive and probably neither will you. They’re still taking their time into getting back to the “normal” pace of the show and current events but I have a very strong feeling next episode will NOT compare with the previous two and that’s when the story itself will pick up the pace and will actually GLUE us to the screens until the finale! 

As always, feel free to let me know your throughts, reactions or even predictions for the next episode as we have basically 2 more days until 3x03 and we all will need help afterwards. So my inbox and askbox is always open for you guys! And MASSIVE THANK YOU to those who actually take their time to read my nonsense! 

[37-children-of-the-dreams]

Day #30: I'm A Blue Blood, Make You Sign A Prenup

Okay, this title was because I thought it would be funny. I mean, Korkie would never make Crosshair sign a prenup. Korkie knows Crosshair has two things, his armor and rifle, and Korkie is the one with all the money. Basically, Korkie's the rich housewife and Crosshair is the hardworking breadwinner. And Fennec's their adoptive sister.

(Suicide Mention, Clonephobic Bo-Katan incoming)

---------------------

Fennec was pacing back and forth in the bunks. She knows there was no way Korkie's aunt would be at Kalevala. Korkie stated himself that Bo-Katan was busy becoming Mandalore's regent. Yet, it did sit well that they might actually meet up with the aunt. They did let Amis, Lagos and Soniee go without much of a threat of death if they tell Bo-Katan, and Bo-Katan does know Korkie has been running around the galaxy with a clone for a lover.

Well, fiancé. They had to announce their next 'great' idea that would literally kill everyone, but Korkie if they step on Kalevala. She knows love can make anyone forget their problems or make them do stupid stuff, but this is grade-A level insanity even for Fennec. She has never fought an entire pack of Mandos.

"Fennecky," her father called. "I know you're worried, but we has to trust those two."

"I know," Fennec agreed. "But I have issues with their idea. I mean, they've only known each other for months. They can't just marry right off the bat."

"We know that," Kristal Shand said. "But at least they've known each other for months and not days. I still remember the last girl who did that, divorced instantly after a week."

"I get that, but this is different. Korkie's clan does not remarry once they divorce. They run away from Kalevala for life, or commit suicide. And worst of all, Bo-Katan hates clones."

"And so do multiple people who were affected by the Clone Wars," Luka said. "I am effected by it too and I can't really find anything to hate Crosshair. Which is funny because he does give off the most antisocial aura I've ever known."

"Well, Mandalorians have a much bigger reason to hate them. The clones were made by a Mandalorian bounty hunter who made enemies with the Death Watch and the New Mandalorians. Also, they stole Mandalore from Bo-Katan when the War ended because the Empire said so."

"So Korkie really did chose the worst fiancé," Kristal sighed. "But he doesn't seem to hate Crosshair."

"He was put under house-arrest by Bo-Katan. He saw Crosshair and said 'that's the one' because he knew he'd be out of a prison with Crosshair as his ticket out. He's too happy with how they met than with the consequence of why he left."

Fennec's parents were ready to argue again with Korkie entered the bunk room.

"We're about land near my old home," Korkie announced. "Nanny Rana knows we're here because we have an old communicator to the head of the house."

"I'd like to say I'm happy," Fennec started. "But what happens if Bo-Katan comes?"

"She can't do much without causing a huge scandal between us. If she thinks I'm married, then she can't do anything but agree that it happened. Yet, if she forces me to divorcing Crosshair, then she knows what happens next."

"Which is?"

"You'll know. Which is funny because I don't."

Korkie left the Shands in confusion. Fennec knows Crosshair takes most of the Jedi craziness, but that does not mean he understands it. Luka has an idea, but he thought it'd too dark to tell Fennec his theory. As for Kristal, she didn't want Korkie and Crosshair to part ways after everything. They went outside the bunk and saw the multiple deserts that made Kalevala famous on Mandalore's maps.

Korkie was smiling as he saw the familiar desert near his home. Sure, it wasn't the best place to live as a duke, but this was his home and he had so much memories here. This was actually the winter home of the Kryzes if they wanted to get away and visit their homeworld. Yet, his mother made it his home away from Mandalore because it was the safest place possible. Which was ironic because the entire area covering his home was toxic desert. How he lived to adulthood being raised here must have been the will of the Force.

"I'm just going to say this," Crosshair started. "I hated coming here when we met. The place is covered in toxic desert and the only safe place is that mansion. How did you, Nanny Rana and the birds survived living here?"

"Oh, that," Korkie giggled. "I've adapted to the atmosphere surprisingly. Nanny Rana has her breath mask and visitors have mask ready for them. As for the birds, evolution."

Fennec looked at Korkie with concern for her parents. They never had to deal with toxic deserts before and having to adapt living with a breath mask was making her anxious.

"Fennec," Korkie said. "The mansion is breathable and the air is in good quality. It's the desert once you've reach the borders. We have markers that states where to where masks. Also, multiple House Kryze homes have dozens of breath mask. You're family will be fine as long as they don't venture off the marked path."

"I'm going to trust you on this," Fennec noted. "I just hope your Nanny Rana doesn't kick us out."

"It's not the nanny you should be worried about," Crosshair chimed. "It's the birds. They gave out the ugliest looks to me when I took Korkie away."

Fennec shrugged in agreement, but really she doesn't know what to expect.

The ship landed near the mansion. Nanny Rana had a basket full of food with her and the birds were flapping their wings in happiness. Korkie was visiting and he brought friends. And two refugees for Rana to take care of. Rana laughed at the thought. It was just some months and Korkie was already making most of his new freedom.

"Nanny Rana!" Korkie shouted as he ran to her.

"Korkie!" Rana cried.

Nanny and child hugged each other for a long moment. It's been a long time and they were in need for a check up. Crosshair got out next and strutted to Rana as if he owns the place. Rana saw this a funny challenge and just squeezed him with a hug making Crosshair gasp in confusion. Fennec and her parents came last and gave Rana a respectful bow before being bear hugged by the Mandalorian nanny.

"Oh when Korkie said he'd bring more friends," Rana said. "I thought he meant just Crosshair and a new pet."

"Not happening," Crosshair inserted.

The birds gave him an angry tweet. Crosshair rolled his eyes as a green bird placed himself on the clone's head.

"Which one was this?" he pointed to the bird.

"That's Chiffon," Korkie answered. "I think he's okay with you."

Crosshair grabbed the small ball of feather and placed him on Korkie's shoulders. Chiffon tweeted in happiness and cuddled Korkie's face. The rest of the birds noted it as their time to perch on the former duke. In seconds, Korkie was covered as Crosshair took a toothpick and shook his head back and forth.

"Well," Rana said. "Let's get in the house. The birds missed Korkie, and Crosshair, be a dear and try to get along with them. They're your boyfriend's pets."

Crosshair wanted to protest but saw how happy Korkie was being covered with his old pets. He sighed and just let Rana give them a tour of the mansion.

"The house is centuries years ago," Rana explained. "It's the safest one of the houses because of the toxic terrain. No idiot comes here without precaution. Which Korkie was taught in a young age. Because you're staying here, I'm going to teach you where we grow our crops, where we take baths and relaxation and of course where we hide in case of another Kryze feud."

"Kryze feud?" Luka asked.

"The Kryzes were not always pacifist. They were warlords and they've been through all the Civil Wars. They made their homes as strong as beskar to protect the heirs. Which meant Korkie still had to learn where to survive here."

"It wasn't much," Korkie assured. "The training was during peace times. Yet, since the world is once again at war, you might have to learn it better than me."

"It's not that bad," Rana agreed. "You'll get the hang of it in months. The only reason it was hard is because of the multiple secret tunnels here."

"Secret tunnels?" Crosshair asked.

"Yes, secret tunnels. They are everywhere. You might be near one right now and don't know about it, but you don't need it."

"Why?"

"Because you have Korkie. Even if Bo-Katan came here and demanded Korkie to be put under another round of house arrest, she can't stop him from actually using a tunnel and running back to you."

Crosshair smiled. The birds chirped in agreement. They hated Crosshair before, but sensing a change, a good change, in Crosshair made they agree that he's not a bad person anymore.

Crosshair stopped at the end of the tour. Rana looked at him and smiled as Korkie blushed to a shade of red. The last place they were entering was the indoor glass garden. The same one Korkie and Crosshair met. The one that changed their entire lives.

"The nostalgia is kicking, isn't it?" Rana laughed.

"Just open the door," Crosshair ordered.

Rana opened the door and the birds flew from Korkie to the tree where the two ate their first feast. The Shands were amazed by the sheer greenery the garden had. The rest of the land was barren and had nothing, but here was an oasis of color.

"A long time ago," Korkie started as he walked to the tree. "A Kryze fell in love with someone who could never smile. That Kryze made the mansion for his wife, but she never smiled. She came from a place filled with rich grass and plants of every color. She watched the birds and wondered why they were the only colored creatures in the land. For his love, he made this garden that never lost its color and could rival the birds. The wife finally smiled and they lived a fulfilling life with the garden never losing its color."

Chiffon was flapping his small wings again and was about to stop on Crosshair's head when a huge red bird of prey snatched Chiffon. The red bird placed Chiffon on a branch and screeched at Crosshair.

"What is that?" Crosshair pointed.

"Oh, hi Ronan," Korkie greeted the red bird. "He's weirdly the same species as Chiffon and the rest of the birds, but like Chiffon, he has mutation."

"Which is?" Fennec asked.

"Being extra aggressive to anyone he hates. Which is mostly every being he knows, excluding Chiffon."

"Why's that?" Crosshair asked.

"Because Chiffon give him his part of the bird feed when they were younger," Rana explained. "Ronan accepted it and they're mates."

At cue Chiffon peeped as Ronan screeched again.

"They kind of remind me of you two," Kristal said at Crosshair and Korkie.

Korkie blushed harder and Crosshair shrugged it off. They were nothing like the birds.

Rana lead the group back to the house and into the dining room.

"I made non-spicy meals for everyone!" she exclaimed.

Crosshair and Fennec sighed in relief. The dinner was great and they had tons of stories to tell Rana that made her laugh. As the hours went by, Rana took the Shands to their new rooms and Fennec to her own room.

"It's not much," Rana said. "It was once Korkie's great-aunt's room. She never liked being a lady and became a warrior. She'd liked you had she lived."

"How did she die?" Fennec asked.

"In blaze of glory fighting a squad of enemies in battle. Basically she got bombed in the back fighting for her home."

Fennec nodded. She hoped one day she'd die in such an amazing way. She entered the room and paid her respects to the former owner at her painting.

Rana left Fennec and found the men petting the birds at the garden. They were already wearing sleep wear and looking at the stars.

"It's getting late," Rana said.

"I want Crosshair to see the stars," Korkie explained. "They're the most beautiful thing to see in the garden at night."

"He's not wrong," Crosshair said. "But I think I found something better than the stars."

Rana smiled and left them. She was smiling but not for long. Korkie got out of the garden with Crosshair following him. Korkie saw the familiar light of a jetpack and wanted to cry. He ran to the main entrance and stopped.

He hated what he'll do next. He just got back and Rana approved of his relationship with Crosshair. Crosshair got to him and placed a firm hand on his shoulder.

"I'm not afraid," Crosshair said. "And I will be here for you."

Korkie took a breath and opened the door. In front of him was the one person he never wanted to meet again.

"Hello there, Lady Bo-Katan."

[the-dubstep-strawberry]

Innocent or Guilty

Tagged by @kittinkanin​, with thanks! I have already done Margot in a previous outing, so this time I’m going to try one of my other OCs from the Margotverse! Today I’ve picked the future Mrs. Maxson... I regret the lack of screenshots as I haven’t made her in-game, but imagine a smaller, geeky, adorable version of her cousin, Sarah Lyons.

Scribe Gwendolyn “Gwen” Harper

Asked someone to marry you? - Innocent - although she volunteered for marriage when word got out that Arthur Maxson, as a single man in possession of a large fortune - and an entire faction - must be in want of a wife.

Kissed one of your friends? - Innocent, but only just. She developed a crush on Knight Oliver Lowden, one of the men assigned to protect her when she was sent to the Citadel to be schooled in diplomacy, manners and all the other things a future Elder’s wife needs to know. There may or may not have been a near-miss.

Danced on a table in a bar or tavern? - Innocent. Until her departure for the Citadel, she had spent her entire life in the Brotherhood’s bunker in Lost Hills and had never even seen the surface. She was also only nineteen at the time of arriving on the Prydwen, so she’s not really had much experience in the drinking department.

Ever told a lie? - Guilty, but probably only small ones.

Had feelings for someone whom you can’t have? - Guilty... she was starting to fall pretty hard for her own bodyguard, but had already resigned herself to the fact that she’d volunteered for an arranged marriage. She was also somewhat disappointed to note that, while rather sad that she was leaving, the guy she was crushing on didn’t seem too keen on asking her to stay either. All in all, she decided that it just wasn’t meant to be. Besides, destiny awaits her and Shakespeare-quoting Arthur Maxson is kind of cute now that she’s getting to know him...

Ever kissed someone of the opposite sex? - Guilty. She has already surprised Arthur with an unexpected kiss. More to follow without a doubt.

Ever kissed someone of the same sex? - Innocent.

Kissed a picture? - Innocent.

Slept in until 5pm? - Innocent except in cases of illness. Staying in bed late in the Lost Hills bunker was not encouraged when everyone had an assigned role to play, and so sleeping in was a very rare occurrence.

Fallen asleep at work or school? - Guilty. She had a habit of daydreaming frequently as a much younger member of the Brotherhood, and occasionally even fell asleep in classes or training after staying up much late to read. She loves Pre-War books, especially fairytales and similar stories, and simply had to find out whether the fair maiden and the handsome prince ever found the happily-ever-after they were looking for!

Held a snake? - Innocent. Exposure to the wildlife of the New California Republic was heavily discouraged even among the rank and file, and as a member of a prominent Brotherhood bloodline, she wasn’t allowed outside the confines of Lost Hills.

Been suspended from school? - Innocent. Her only real faults were a tendency to daydream or doze in class... although as an Apprentice Knight, she failed her second round of combat training after accidentally shooting her commanding officer in the backside. She was hastily recommended for the Scribe caste instead and so she joined the Order of the Quill, where her love of burying herself in old books was strongly encouraged.

Stolen something? - Guilty, but only if we’re talking about Elder Maxson’s heart.

Done something you regret? - Guilty. She was rather intimidated by Arthur Maxson on their first meeting, and started to doubt whether she had made the right choice in volunteering to be his wife. He seemed very formal and grumpy, and she began questioning whether she was really cut out for being an essential part of the Brotherhood’s command structure. However, she found an unlikely - and initially reluctant - ally in the form of Paladin Margot de Havilland, who encouraged her to give the young Elder a chance. After slowly getting to know her future husband better, she’s now quite glad she stayed.

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? - Innocent. She grew up in a bunker beneath the California desert, and has only ever read about snow in old books. She has only the vaguest idea of what it is and would be quite surprised to see it in real life!

Laughed until liquid came out of your nose? - Innocent.

Kissed in the rain? - Innocent, so far.

Sat on a roof top? - Guilty. She went up to the Citadel’s rooftops a few times with a telescope so she could watch the stars at night, or observe the ruins of Washington D.C.’s skyline. She also began assisting the Scribes in her temporary home by taking weather station readings to help with their meteorological research, and has volunteered to do the same on the Prydwen too.

Kissed someone you shouldn’t? - Innocent, although she occasionally considered kissing Knight Lowden. The only person she’s actually kissed is the one she’s supposed to, so things are going well in that department.

Sang in the shower? - Guilty.

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? - Innocent. Again, she’s never really seen much of the outside world, and as a Brotherhood VIP and future Elder’s wife, she was closely guarded even when she finally emerged from the Lost Hills bunker. She was never allowed outside the Citadel, even with an escort, until it was time to leave for the Prydwen, and so has never had the opportunity to see a pool, much less learn how to swim!

Shaved your head? - Innocent. She spends a lot of time trying to curl her hair correctly, like the pictures of beautiful Pre-War movie stars she’s seen in old books and magazines. She’d cry for hours if she ever had to shave her head.

Slept naked? - Innocent. Brotherhood personnel are expected to be up and alert at a moment’s notice in an emergency, and so it’s not a very practical option for her.

Made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? - Innocent. The only boyfriend she’s ever had is her now-fiancé, and after all the things he’s seen and dealt with as leader of the East Coast chapter of the Brotherhood of Steel, it would take something really quite devastating to make Arthur Maxson cry.

Donated blood? - Guilty. She has an unusual family trait which makes her a highly-desirable blood donor, and being the kind soul that she is, she’s always happy to volunteer if it means assisting a brother or sister in need.

Eaten alligator meat? - Innocent.

Eaten cheesecake? - Innocent, although she’s heard rumors that there are vending machines with some sort of preserved Pre-War cake in them, and she’s curious to try one for herself.

Still loved someone you shouldn’t? - Perhaps a little guilty. She still thinks about Knight Lowden sometimes, with a touch of regret over what might have been. Still, she has bigger and better things to look forward to, so she isn’t terrible sad about it.

Have/had a tattoo? - Innocent. She doesn’t much like the idea. What if you change your mind later and decide you don’t like it?

Liked someone, but will never tell who? - Innocent. She’s disclosed her previous crush to Paladin de Havilland, although she doesn’t want to make that public knowledge and make life difficult for her former bodyguard.

Been too honest? - Guilty. She’s a very earnest and conscientious sort, but sometimes a little too open for her own good.

Ruined a surprise? - Innocent.

Eaten so much that you can’t walk after? - Innocent.

Dressed in a man’s clothes? - Guilty. She wears a distinctive Pre-War military issue coat which once belonged to a commanding officer in Mariposa, the late Colonel Spindel. It was offered first to Captain Roger Maxson, but he declined and allowed his friend and fellow officer, Lieutenant Simon Harper, to keep it instead. It was passed down the generations of Brotherhood Harpers as a family heirloom, father to son, and was eventually given to Gwen as a parting gift by her father, Scott Harper, who had no other living children.

Dressed in a woman’s clothes? - Surprisingly, innocent. She’s worn only Brotherhood-issue uniforms or Scribe robes her whole life. However, she’s dearly looking forward to her first opportunity to wear a Pre-War dress at her wedding, and can’t wait to see what it is.

Joined a pageant? - Innocent.

Still have communication with your ex? - Innocent. She’s never had a previous relationship to speak of. She might write a letter to her former bodyguard to let him know that she’s well, safe and happy, and that she sends her regards, but that’s about it.

Been told that you’re beautiful by someone who meant it? - Guilty. Although initially a little startled by her resemblance to her late cousin, Sarah, Arthur Maxson thinks she’s quite beautiful entirely in her own right.

Cheated on someone? -  Innocent. Much as she liked the romantic notion of falling in love with her own bodyguard, she was never willing to cross the line and be somehow derelict in her duty as a future Elder’s wife. She often reminds herself that she volunteered for this role, and even in occasional moments of doubt, she isn’t prepared to run away from the responsibilities she’s chosen to assume... and the more time she spends with her betrothed, the more unthinkable it becomes for her to ever want to leave the Brotherhood.

Gotten totally drunk and missed an exam? -  Innocent.

A total stranger treated you by paying your fare? -  Innocent.  

Got so angry that you cried? - Guilty on a couple of occasions, whenever she’s seen someone be cruel or unjust to another.

Tried to stay away from someone for their own good? - Innocent.  

Thought about suicide? - Innocent.

Thought about murder? - Innocent. She’s never been that angry with someone and finds violence on the whole quite shocking.

Actually murdered someone? - Innocent. She would be willing to kill in self-defense or to protect others, but hopes it never comes to that!

Thought about mass murder? - Innocent.

Actually committed a mass murder? - Innocent. As a research Scribe, she’s never killed anyone and never even been in a real battle. She’s only ever wielded weapons in training exercises.

Rode in a stranger’s vehicle? - Innocent. She knows every Vertibird pilot she’s ever flown with, to at least some degree or other.

Stalked someone? - Innocent.

Had a girlfriend? - Innocent.

Had a boyfriend? - Guilty, but she was officially assigned one in the form of Elder Maxson, so does that really count?

Gotten totally drunk during a holiday? - Innocent.

Tagging: @pchberrytea, @miss-rivia, @electriicfleur, @randomfallout4posts, and @ladynyxeris!

[littlemisssquiggles]

The Angel and the Prince in the Skies: A RWBY Broken Machines’ Headcanon

So @miraculouscorazone​ shared a pretty cool scenario for the Broken Machines pairing. For those of you unaware, Broken Machines is the shipping of Whitley Schnee and Penny Polendina. I’m unsure whether or not Cora shared her post on Tumblr as well but just to be safe, I’ll share her original Twitter thread right here.

To sort of paraphrase, her thread described an adorable scenario in which Ruby and Penny are having a little girl talk, catching up as friends and stuff. During the conversation, Penny lets it slip to Ruby that she has a boyfriend now and that boyfriend is then later revealed to be, surprise surprise Whitley Schnee.

Naturally as an admirer of the Broken Machines’ pairing, I found this scenario to be adorable. It made me think of Whitley and Penny being forbidden lovers or something. They’re clearly in love but on both sides, they’re forced to keep secrets from each other.

Whitley is forced to keep his relationship with Penny a secret from his father out of fear of punishment and the fact that Jacques might find his newfound romance a distraction from his duties as heir to the Schnee Dust Company.

 And on Penny’s end, she has yet to tell Whitley the truth that she’s a machine out of fear that Whitley might be disgusted by the fact that she’s not a real girl and reject her. I mean…all things considered, Penny can still pass for a normal girl especially if a person as prestige as Whitley is oblivious to the affairs of the Ground World from his home in the Clouds.

For all we know Whitley would probably think Penny is girl who wears rocket boots. I mean just picture Penny occasionally flying up into the clouds to visit Whitley. Imagine if there’s a secret place where Whitley goes to clear his head that’s in clear view of the sky and that’s where he and Penny occasionally meet up in secret.

Their secret sky garden. 

Hey perhaps one day, Whitley went there on the thought of committing suicide. A dark turn but allow me to explain my premise. Imagine if it’s like that moment from Titanic where Jack saved Rose from jumping off the boat after she became overwhelmed by the pressures of her lifestyle.

In the case of my scene, perhaps it could’ve been a similar scenario with Whitley where he becomes overwhelmed by the pressures of being Jacques’ heir and for a brief moment, like a split second, he contemplates jumping down and allowing his body to hit the ground.

He falls to his presumed end, only to literally be whisked away from near death in the arms of what Whit could only describe ‘an angel’. 

I mean, Beta-Testers, imagine Whitley’s nickname for Penny being ‘angel doll’. or rather ‘his guardian angel’. (or freaking battle Angel)

I mean Penny might as well be an angel. She doesn’t have wings but her rocket boots are a close second. Plus I’d imagine to a kid like Whitley, who’s lived his entire life in the clouds oblivious to the surface world, he’d be in complete awe if someone like Penny suddenly descended from the heavens before him. Especially if she does it in the same whimsical manner as she did in the first episode of V7. 

So yeah, as you can probably tell, I really love Cora’s scenario. I just really love Penny fighting to protect Mantle only to occasionally fly up into the clouds to visit her ‘little snowflake’ up in the Cloud City where the two continue to have their secret love affair away from the distractions of their personal lives.

I think that’s cute.

Yeah so naturally this is my reactionary interpretation of Cora’s idea. But then the ole creative gears started a-grinding a bit more and I have a somewhat alternative version to this scenario.

Like instead of Penny and Whitley being ‘forbidden lovers’ with a secret romance (like Romeo and Juliet), what if…their romance was like the Little Mermaid in a sense.

What if…Penny, like Ariel, has never met Whitley before but she immediately fell in love with him after seeing him on one of the tele monitors down in Mantle showcasing a Schnee Dust Company ad that had him featured alongside Jacques.

After that, Penny started dreaming of one day visiting the Cloud City so she can finally find and meet her Snow Prince.up in the sky. Perhaps Penny and Whitley’s romance could be like Ariel and Prince Eric from the Little Mermaid. This brings back my small scenario into play where Whitley is probably at a party where he’s supposed to be representing the Schnee Dust Company alongwith Jacques.

Maybe it’s a case where Whitley is clearly ill as a result of his father constantly dragging him to meet potential contributors every night to the point that Whitley has barely had much time to rest.

And once more, Jacques dragged Whit out on behalf of their family and company despite Whitley’s clear signs of sickness.

At the party, Whit feels nauseous and attempts to go off on his own to get some air. Of course Jacques dares to stop him like he did with Weiss back in V4, However Whit manages to convince the older Schnee to let him go. Once Whit is out of his father’s line of view, he immediately makes a sprint outside where he nearly trips over himself in his wake to vomit off a balcony.

Rather unmannerly of him, as a Schnee and at that moment Whitley was grateful there was no one else there to see him at his lowest. Long story short, Whitley probably tries to go back inside to the party only to stars feeling incredibly dizzy from the high fever he had as well.

Let’s just say, Whitley ends up falling off from Cloud City and he could’ve died. But he is saved by Penny. Penny brings Whitley back up to safety but disappears before Whitley could even see her face. Whitley is left thinking that he possible imagined things in his delirium from being ill.

But no matter what---he couldn’t shake the image of the guardian angel who saved him from near death. So as much as Penny is enthralled by Whitley, he in turn becomes interested in her.

That’s an idea right there.

As always these are only small ideas. I’m going to leave it to the Beta Testers to see if they like it. Speaking of, @ezroar​, you once asked me once upon a time to share some Broken Machines headcanons if I could. Does this count? Is it a worthy offering?

~LittleMissSquiggles (2019)

[queerasfolkmagic]

Introducing myself

Hello folks, 

Having been here a while, I thought it was about time to formally introduce myself to you guys. Plus I’ve spent most of the day drafting a letter of introduction to apply for an apprenticeship, so my thoughts on who I am in terms of magical practice and where I’ve come from feels a lot more organised than it has for years. 

So the basic stuff. I’m a queer cis man living in the UK, but I grew up working class in Georgia. I’ve got a brilliant boyfriend who is a dyed in the wool atheist & sceptic who nonetheless is extremely supportive of my practice. I work in the arts, and have been working professionally as a poet, performer and installation artist for the past 15 years or so. However, I’m taking some time off next year from both my company and my arts practice to focus on retraining as a psychotherapist. In its own way, this feels closely linked to my renewed interest in magic, but more on that later. 

So my journey into magic - When I was a freshman in high school, a way-cooler-than-me senior sat me down in a patch of grass near our school and asked me if I’d ever heard of Wicca. I’m not sure why she singled me out – I was a pretty nerdy and way into fantasy novels, but she was friends with my older brother. It was the first time I’d ever heard of Wicca, but she lent me a copy of Cunningham’s Wicca: A Guide For The Solitary Practitioner, patted my head, and sent me on my way. I read the book from cover to cover and shared it with my friends, and we formed (or at least formalised!) our first coven. 

The 90s was a pretty good time to be a teen witch. The Craft came out, and you could pick up Llewellyn books at Barnes and Noble (even if your heart was pounding the entire time you walked up to the register). It was good, even in the Bible Belt. There was a metaphysical shop in downtown Atlanta we’d all make the occasional pilgrimage to when we could convince an older sibling to drive us down, or later when we started getting our own licenses. We traded books and stayed up late. We burned candles in the woods – scrappy copses of undeveloped lands at the edges of our subdivisions, our public parks, our back yards. I started wearing a pentacle and drawing green men on my textbooks. It was the 90s and it was exciting. I read a lot of Cunningham and Caitlin and John Matthews. Later I found Starhawk, both her fiction and non fiction. 

However, I remember that even at the time I felt like I got more out of books like Brian Froud and Alan Lee’s Faeries or pretty much anything by Charles de Lint or Terri Windling, and the bits of folklore that got slipped into their stories. I felt more resonance with current writers grappling with and interpreting myth and folklore than I did with people writing about modern witchcraft. Partly, it was because I felt uneasy about some of the claims around unbroken lineage a lot of writers were making, rather than admitting and owning a reconstructionist approach. Also, the emphasis around fertility never felt like it fit for me. As a queer kid in a small southern town, the last thing I needed was another dogmatic approach to gender. When authors talked about the Wheel of the Year, it sounded like a beautiful myth but one that felt so removed from me. The Horned God felt like just another straight guy – unknowable and unrelatable, 

 I spent a lot of time walking through woods, and trying to be open to what they contained. Looing back, I think what resonated a lot more with me was a sense of animism – something that was discussed briefly in the books I read, but never given the same sense of importance as Deity worship. 

Then things fell apart. My dad committed suicide and my mom’s addictions started spiralling out of control. My own drug and alcohol use increased massively. I started spending a lot more time at raves than I did in nature. By the time I finished high school, my sense of connection with nature and interest in spirituality of any stripe pretty much disappeared. Occasionally it would resurface. I went to acting school, and the Goddess showed up in more than one visualisation exercise – which was both powerful and uncomfortable. After I got sober I discovered Quakerism and connected to a different kind of god – not quite the Christian one, not quite the Wiccan one – but someone who felt like a loving father and also mysterious and awesome. Still, nothing really stuck. I moved to the UK in 2004 and religion and spirituality is pretty much a no go here.  

So fast forward a couple of years – I promise I’m getting to the end! Two things happened. I took my partner back to the US to meet my family, and the newness of seeing my family through his eyes taught me a lot including the fact that my family is witchy AF. We talk openly about seeing ghosts, we talk with our dead and they speak to us in signs, we share stories about premonitions and intuition, and we create little altars all the time. I know it sounds stupid, but I’d genuinely never really thought about it before. It was just my family. I though magic came from wise women in the woods, not my Aunt Nancy in Chicago. For the first time, I thought about magic as being an inheritance, and as something that bonds me to family both living and dead. 

 The second incident happened while on holiday in Cornwall when for the first time in years I took a whole week off and sat by the sea. I didn’t do anything else. I turned off my phone and just sat in the sunshine, slept when I was tired, ate when I was hungry, watched the waves and the moon and the bees and just listened. And a message came through loud and clear (and terrifying in its clarity).  

And so with both those things in mind, I opened myself up. There were a lot of mistakes. The first witchy book I bought after 20 years was a beautiful book on natural healing – gorgeous pictures, but mostly recipes for homemade bath bombs and raw smoothies and nothing on spirituality. I bought some santo palo and realised I do not like the smell of santo palo. I bought way too many crystals and tarot packs, all of which looked beautiful and felt dead in my hands. I started a tumblr page and followed pretty much anyone who looked a bit witchy and got lost down some unfulfilling rabbit holes. 

 Then one day I pulled out a tiger’s eye my best friend had given me in high school and I felt something. Something profound – a tingle in my hand and up my arm, small but undeniable. I found a tarot pack that started giving me startlingly clear answers. – turns out it was a basic vanilla RWS pack I needed! I found some great witchy podcasts – New World Witchery, The Witch Wave, and Betwixt and Between – who were talking about things that made sense to me. 

The world of witchcraft has changed SO MUCH in the past twenty years I was away! Wicca is no longer the only flavour! No shade to Wiccans, but it feels so good to see other traditions be given more airtime. I’d never heard of Southern Conjure, hoodoo, and cunningfolk practices, and it has been so exciting to learn a bit about them. I’ve found Judika Illes and Byron Ballard. I’ve rediscovered Cunningham – not all of it is relevant to me, The Magical Household is one of the best books I’ve ever read. Most importantly, I’ve started thinking again about what bits of folklore and fairy tales feel ‘right’. So while The Green Witch and The Sorcerer’s Secrets are on my beside ‘to read’ book pile, so is The Book of English Magic, A Treasury of British Folklore, The Long Lost Friend, and A Deed Without a Name. So is Brewers Book of Phrase and Fable and Red Sky At Night and In The Pines and The Book of English Folk Tales and fairy tale collections from the Brothers Grimm and Hans Christian Anderson.

So while I’m still finding my way,I’d like to be a modern-day cunning man. I’d like to use traditional and folkloric knowledge relating to my cultural and ancestral heritage (Irish, Welsh, Hungarian, Southern American, working class, queer) to help myself and the people around me deal with the challenges of being alive – finding security, dealing with grief, understanding their loved ones better. I’d like to be a repository for old ways and the creator of new ones. I’d like to be open and honest about my practices and my spiritual life. I’d like to be mostly kind and sometimes righteous when I need to be. I’d like to be on a first name basis with my ancestors and the land I live on. I’d like to spend time learning about little gods – house spirits, local faeries and land spirits, the birds who live in the local park, the spiders who make their homes in my garden – than building up big pantheons from other cultures. I’d like to celebrate the phases of the moon rather than the Wheel of the Year. I’d like to worship my mom and dad as the fierce, wonderful, loving, dangerous spirits they are. I’d like for casting a spell or talking to my ancestors to be as immediate an impulse as looking something up on Google. I’d like to be Sally Owen. Maybe Gilly Owen. One of the Owens, anyway. Definitely one of the Owens

[n0velust]

2007

When I received the message from a stranger on Myspace, I assumed I was being punk’d.

I heard you get sleep paralysis. So do I. Can we talk about it?

The account that sent the message supposedly belonged to a girl named Rose, but her profile was sketchy. She only had one friend. There were only two photos of her, good quality, not your basic selfies, although they weren’t professional either.

She was a blonde with bangs, her hair cut just above her shoulders. Her eyes were bright and the color of sea foam. There was an angelic quality to her. This was not the first time I had seen her face before, I was sure of that, but I couldn’t place where I reconized her from. It bothered me. Not that I believed the girl in the pictures was the one who actually sent me the message. Someone was messing with me. Someone who wanted me to reveal my weaknesses so they could use them against me.

I had only spoken of my sleep paralysis once in a public setting- a group counseling session all the way back in middle school. Sara, this redhead whom I had my eye on since the moment I first saw her, mentioned having it first in this session. We talked back and forth about it for a minute before our councilor called the meeting back into order. Sara had wanted to know more about my episodes. We met up one day, but she didn’t like that I believed sleep paralysis was a mere medical condition as opposed to a supernatural phenomenon. She committed suicide just a few months after that.

I knew better than to give this troll the time of day, but it was a lonely summer night. Besides, my curiosity had been piqued.

Cute pix but they ain’t urs, I wrote back. Maybe next time add more friends and write an About Me, so it doesn’t look like you just created the account two minutes ago.

              She replied in a matter of minutes. Aww you think I’m cute?? (: lol it’s a new profile. I can send you another pic if you want.

              Alright but draw a dick on your forehead so I know it’s really you, I typed back with a smug grin on my face. Checkmate. Since they wanted to act like a dickhead.

I got up and searched my dark room, my computer screen being my only source of light, for my bottle of vodka. I usually put it somewhere inconspicuous in case my cousin, Jessica, or Aunt Marilyn barged in on me. It’s neck was sticking out from under my pillow. I took several long gulps that warmed my stomach.

I didn’t expect a reply from that account but when I looked back to the screen, endorphins kicked in when I saw the one new message notification. No way. Bad Photoshop?

              A grainy picture probably taken a flip phone, but it was her. She held her hair back out of her face, on her forehead she dawned the crudely drawn penis. A goofy smile.

Can we talk now? she asked in a separate message. I’d like this to be interview style. Can I call you to save us both time?

              Out of pure boredom, I sent her my number. A few short seconds later, my phone rang. We got past awkward introductions.

              “You do look familiar,” I admitted. “Do you go to Apponequet?”

              “No, I go to Bishop Stang.”

              “A Catholic school girl, huh?”

“I have come into your job at Burger Daze, maybe that’s why you recognize me. That’s where I overheard some kids talking about you and the fact that you had sleep paralysis.”

              “Who?”

              “I didn’t ask them their names. I just eavesdropped on their conversation,” she giggled. “To be clear, I know who you are. Not just from seeing you at your job. You’re practically famous!”

              Famous people have fans, I didn’t even have friends. The main reason having to do with my local legend status in the small community of Freetown, Massachusetts. When you witness your father’s murder as a child, then go missing in the state forest for a week, and the media outlets paste your photo all over town, people rarely forget.

              “Maybe I’ll give you an autograph sometimes,” I replied dryly.

              “A piece of paper with your handwriting on it? That’d be great. I could use it to cast a love spell on you,” she said with a smile in her voice.

              “Look, is this supposed to be a joke or-“ My amusement was wearing thin.

              “No joke, Raiden. When I heard those people talking about you, I couldn’t believe it. I haven’t met another living person who’s had sleep paralysis. And for me it’s been especially bad lately so I took it as a sign that I must reach out to you.”

              “Well now you have, so what do you want?”

              “Tell me, do you hallucinate during?”

              “Most people do. Your body puts itself in a state of paralysis, so you don’t act out your dreams. The hallucinations occur because your mind is still in a dream state.”

              “Thanks for educating me on the subject as if I haven’t already extensively researched it myself. I’ll take that as a ‘yes’ then?”

              “Yes.”

              “And what sorts of things do you see?”

              “People who suffer from sleep paralysis tend to see the same things, shadow people and such. Which makes sense because the room is dark and there are a lot of shadows.”

I was so used to only talking about this with therapists that I couldn’t help but parrot the things they told me.

              “What about the old hag though? Lots of people report seeing the detailed image of an old woman, usually wearing a veil, who sits on their chests. She’s not a shadow. Explain why that’s common sighting.”

I paced the room, thinking of an explanation but fell short.

              “Have you seen the old hag?” I reflected her question back.

              “I asked you what you saw first.”

              “Yes, it’s one of the worst apparitions. She starts off as a beautiful woman and then morphs. Total succubus situation, it’s awful.”

              “Sounds like the scene in The Shining. That part really freaked me out as a kid.”

              “I haven’t seen it.” Or any horror movie for that matter.

              “The original is better than the remake although Stephen King wouldn’t agree- anyway so, shadow people, the old hag, anything else?"

I hesitated, stumbling over my words. There was something else. Something Sara mentioned seeing too. Something that she claimed the more energy you gave to, the more powerful it got.

“I’ve seen something coming out of the wall. It’s like it comes from another dimension,” Rose went on, since I was at a loss for words. “It’s three dimensional too, not like a shadow. Unlike the other sleep paralysis villains, it can physically touch. It puts its hand over my head. Local indigenous tribes have something similar in their folklore, expect it comes out of trees instead of walls. They call it a Wuagamortchi. Have you ever seen it or heard of it?”

My throat ran dry, so I went back to my bottle and took another drink. There’s no way she could be messing with me. I’ve only spoken of this particular entity to Sara and one of my psychologists. Sara named this entity ‘Wally”. As a kid, I called it the Gatekeeper.

              “Yes,” I admitted. “I’ve seen it since I was a kid.”

“Can you describe your experiences?” Rose asked. Her voice was too cheery for the conversation we were having.

“No. I’d rather not. Sorry, I’m kind of freaking out right now. You’re not the first person to come into my life asking me about this shit. This girl I used to know, Sara, she saw the wog-thing, whatever you called it, too.”

“Really?” Rose asked enthusiastically. “Do you have Sara’s number? I’d love to talk to her too.”

“She committed suicide, about four years ago. I felt…guilty about it. You’re reminding me for her right now. That’s why my mind is a mess.”

“Why do you feel guilty?”

“Because she came to me for help so she would feel less alone. Her view on it was even darker than yours. She thought that actual demons were after her, that they wanted to make her hurt herself and other people. I dismissed her after she said all that, told her it was in her head. The ultimate betrayal, in her eyes, was when I told her boyfriend, James, that she needed help. She never spoke to me again. Her paranoia was what led her to take her life.”

“I mean, you reached out to her boyfriend about your concerns. It sounds to me like you did try to help her.”

I shook my head. “I could have done more for her. I could have been more empathetic.”

“I get it.” Finally her voice had some emotion behind it. Before she sounded like some robotic customer service representative. “My mother committed suicide and I feel like I should have done things differently too. The shrink I see says I shouldn’t blame myself but it’s hard not to.”  Rose let out a sigh and pulled herself back together. “How often do you experience SP?”

              It took me a moment to follow her train of thought. She dropped a bomb on me and then swept right passed it.

“A few times a week lately. I’ll go months without an episode, then it will become more frequent for a while. It has to do with stress,” I told her.

              “Have you found anything that helps to reduce episodes?”

              “Drinking.” I held my bottle up in a cheers to myself. I sat on my bed, leaning up against the wall with a pillow behind me.

              “Alcohol? Does that really help?”

              “No, not really. I wouldn’t recommend it. It helped at first but now it just makes me not care as much that it’s happening.”

              “Hmm. I smoke weed at night for the same reason.” She paused for a moment, “have you ever smoked before?”

              “Once.” With Sara. God, everything that came out of this girl’s mouth reminded me of Sara.

              We stayed up talking for hours after that, getting to know each other. Rose told me that she had recently found her mother’s diary, where she described her own instances of sleep paralysis. While Rose did believe it was paranormal and I didn’t, we came to the agreement that there was a link between sleep paralysis and mental health issues- depression, anxiety, PTSD. It all went hand in hand.

              I listened to Rose talk about her out of body experiences, how she had been training herself to detach her soul from her body during sleep paralysis and shoot energy balls as her interdimensional intruders. She told me about how her and her mother to share the same dreams and that she would astral project to the astral plane, hoping to find he mother there so she could say goodbye one last time. She said she wanted me to astral project with her, so we could be together, but I said I’d rather just take her out on a date. Her ramblings were nonsensical, yet she spoke them with such conviction that I wanted to believe.

              Rose said that since it was summer she had been waiting until sunrise to let herself sleep. We stayed up until then talking. When we finally did go to sleep we left our phones beside us on speaker, so if something did happen to one or both of us, the other person would be on the line. It was the first night in weeks I had slept without having a nightmare or an episode of sleep paralysis.

              We texted each other all that next day, then at night we spoke on the phone for hours on end. This went on for a few days. By the end of the first night, I was already hounding her about meeting up. she invited me to meet her at this house party she was attending on Friday night.

              Thanks to our late-night chats, not only was I sleeping better but I had also stopped drinking. I wanted to be coherent in our conversations. I wanted her to think that I was smart and funny, not some loser teenage alcoholic. But- before going to meet her at this party in Fall River, a half an hour drive away, I did have a little liquid courage to calm my nerves.

              When I pulled up to the house and parked along the street, she was out on the driveway waiting for me. She wore cut-off shorts and a black crop top, and a light jacket over it, despite it being the middle of July and eighty degrees outside. Over her shoulders, she wore a mini black backpack.

Despite her heavy make-up, she was still gorgeous. Even more so in person. Slim build but great legs. Her friend Genesis was starting next to her, holding her hand. Genesis taller than Rose but not my much. Her hair was clearly bleached blonde and fell in tight, corkscrew curls. She was dressed in a similar outfit. They were staring at my car and whispering among themselves. When I got out, Rose let out a squeal that I could hear from all the way over where I was standing.

Rose looked terrified, her eyes as wide as saucers. She had never even had a first kiss before and while I wanted to rush over and give that to her, what I wanted more was for her to feel comfortable.

              “Hi Raiden,” Genesis called on Rose’s behalf as I approached them.

              “That’s Genna,” Rose said, still clutching her friend’s hand. I could barely hear her.

              “I know. I recognize her as your only Myspace friend.”

              When I got up to them, it struck me how much I towered over them. A though occurred, what if she’s lying about her age? But I pushed it back to the far corners of my mind. Rose told me she was fifteen, sixteen on November 27th. My birthday was exactly a month after hers, I’d be turning eighteen. Our age difference wasn’t too bad. She had mentioned on the phone that she was petite.

              Genna pealed Rose’s hand off of hers and shoved her in my direction before turning her back and walking away. Rose watched her friend go before turning to me. I stood still like I was offering food to a timid deer. Where was the bold girl whom I had spoken to over the phone?

              Suddenly she was running towards me. She leapt up and I caught her in my arms. She wrapped her legs around my waist and initiated the first kiss. I let her have a little peck then tilted my head back farther. She groaned, her fingernails pricking the back of my neck. Our noses brushed before we kissed again. I melted into it. 

              I put her back down and we looked each other over.

              “I’ve never been to a house party before,” I said, to break the ice.

              “I don’t really like these types of parties,” she confessed.

              “Why are we here then?”

              “It just so happens that this party is only a couple blocks away from where a dear old friend of mine lives. I couldn’t miss the opportunity to pay him a visit.”

              Him? Confusion, jealousy, rage bubbled up in my chest.

              “You can come with me,” she clarified. “I want you to.” She batted her eyelashes at me and held her hand out for me to take but I wasn’t so sure I wanted to.

              “Who’s your friend?” I asked, looking down at her with narrowed eyes.

              “Andrew. You probably know him since you went to Freetown Lakeville Middle. Andrew Arslanian.”

I stared at her in disbelief. “Mr. Arslanian? The fucking science teacher?”

              She giggled at my surprise. “That’s the one. Part science teacher, part pervert. He stays busy.”

              “How do you know that? Did he hurt you? What are you going to do to him?” So many questions and finding the answers wouldn’t make me feel any better.

              “No. Not me,” Rose chuckled ironically. “This girl, Danielle. They had an affair. She was too young to know what she was getting into-“

Two girls stumbled out of the party, leaving the door wide open. The music was playing so loud that I could feel the bass in my bones.

Rose lowered her voice, “he knocked her up, then tried to throw money at her and threaten her into having an abortion until she moved away. Dani and I aren’t even friends anymore but that’s a whole ‘nother story. This was all long time ago.”

“Why wait til now to go after Mr. Arslanian? What are you going to do to him?”

“Chill. I’m not going to burn his house done or anything.” She took off her tiny backpack and unzipped it to allow me a peek inside. A single can of red spray paint and a wallet.

“And honestly, I haven’t thought of him in a long time but since I’m in the neighborhood…” She cocked her head and smiled at me, batting her eyelashes persuasively.

“How do you even know his address?”

“The internet.” She shrugged.

“I just-“ I didn’t want to come off like a buzzkill or an asshole. “I came all this way to hang out with you not to vandalize my eighth-grade teacher’s house.”

Her cheeks blushed. “I want to hang out with you too. This won’t take long, and you can pick what we do next.”

“I guess I’m in then,” I said with a scoff and an eyeroll.

She jumped for joy and let out a big, “Yesss!”

“But next time, tell me ahead of time when you have a crazy idea like this.”

“For sure I will.” She took my hands, intertwined her fingers in mine and started leading me down the sidewalk. “I’m so glad you agreed to join me because the Lucy I took should kick in soon an-“

I stopped dead in my tracks, bringing her to an abrupt halt as well. “What?!”

“Lucy. It’s slang for-“

“LSD,” I finished for her.

“It’s probably best that someone will be looking after me when it kicks in.”

I looked at her, then back to my car, and really contemplated leaving. Rose had told me about her experiences with various drugs, Xanax, coke, and of course weed. Genesis brought her into this world and Rose liked to experiment.

              “I saved a stamp for you.” She looked up at me with angel eyes.

              I knew a time would come when I’d be offered something questionable. Under different circumstances, I’d be more inclined to want to try LSD but not at a damn party. Not when we both have a history of mental illness. It seemed like an awful idea. I wasn’t about  to explain that to her because I didn’t want her thinking I was a loser.

              I liked her. A lot. There had other women, I was no virgin, but I had never had a serious relationship before. No one’s mind enticed me as much as Rose’s. I had never shared a connection like this with anybody. No one’s eyes had ever hypnotized me in such a way that my brain shut off entirely. I couldn’t blow this so soon, so I forced a smile over my haunted expression.

              “Let me give you some money for mine at least.”

              “No, it’s okay. Genna and her boyfriend TJ just gave them to me.” She fumbled in her purse and took out her wallet, out of her billfold, she handed me a stamp. Not the postage kind.

              “Don’t chew it or swallow it, just leave it on your tongue for a while.” She held out her finger with the tiny white square on top and I took it and did as instructed.

              “It’s my first time taking acid too so this should be interesting.” She giggled.

“How long ago did you take yours?” I asked, trying to judge how long I’d have until it set in.

“Right before you got here,” she replied. “TJ said it’d take about fifteen minutes to half an hour before I felt anything. He’s a total douche but at least he’s good for party favors.”

              We locked hands again. My hands were so much bigger than hers and she had to hold hers above her waist to align it with my own.

              “Why don’t you like TJ?”

              “He’s a pedo too. Dude’s twenty years old. He has no business hanging out with girls as young as me and Genna.”

              “Why don’t you tell your friend that?”

              “She knows how old he is. She doesn’t care. Just thinks he’s with her because she’s so mature. Trust me, if I told her what I really thought about him, she’d choose him over me. Love makes people stupid and blind.”

              I could see that now…

              “Girls get obsessed with these random ass guys that come into their lives. No depth or anything unique about them. That’s why I never bothered dating. I never met anyone who truly compelled me.” She squeezed my hand. “Until now.”

              “I must really like you because I can’t say no to you.” I grinned at her.

She lit up when I said that. There was no point in either of us trying to play it cool. No way she could have hidden that ear to ear smile. Under the streetlamps, I spotted freckles on her cheekbones, the bridge of her nose, underneath all that make-up. Such a shame that she covered them up.

              “Are you a natural blonde?” I asked.

              “Yeah but my natural color is a little darker than it is now.”

              I kept looking at her. Her familiarity drove me nuts, like when a word is on the tip of your tongue, but you can’t quite remember what it is. 

              “It’s weird that I have no memory of interacting with you when you were a customer at my work.”

              “You see a lot of customers come through there every day.”

              “Yeah but I remember the pretty ones. And I’d definitely remember your face. Especially since you said you come in there a lot.”

              “You were the main reason I was coming in there for a while. Just because I thought you were so handsome.” She laughed at herself. I could feel her hand shaking in mine. It was a little sweaty too.

              “Are you serious? That’s…slightly creepy but also flattering. Does that mean you have ulterior motives when you friended me on Myspace?”

“I saw that as my way in, yes. When I heard those kids talking about you having sleep paralysis, I took it as a sign that we were meant to get to know each other.”

“When you first invited me to this party, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to come. I’m really glad we’re hanging out, just you and me. Parties aren’t really my thing.”

              “Me either. I have social anxiety. I’m more comfortable with a small group of people. Or with just you.” She led us across the street, onto a different road.

              “You’re pretty social though. You’re more outgoing than me.”

              “It’s all an act, I’m actually pretty shy.”

              “You don’t seem very shy to me.”

              “Really. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt like something was wrong with me. Something that everyone else can see too. I became really withdrawn so obviously, it was always hard for me to make friends. But then I learned this thing from Dexter, have you seen that show? Or read the books?”

              “Dexter’s Laboratory?”

              “No!” Rose laughed. “Dexter the serial killer. He only kills bad guys. Anyway, he talks about having to wear this mask to blend in with the rest of society because duh he’s a killer and he works around a bunch of cops but I kind of took that concept and applied it to my own life. Did you know that Paris Hilton is actually smart? She just plays a character to mask her true self?”

“I have no idea,” I replied.

“That’s what I do. I play a character. I say and do crazy things because….people think of me as one thing and my true self hides behind that persona. I pretend my life is a realty show, and I do whatever I want. I know that all sounds weird. I’ve always been real with you though.”

              “I get where you’re coming from. Blend in with the normies so they don’t question you too much.”

              “Right because when you’re quiet, people can fill your silence with whatever they want.” Her words hung in the air, echoing on a loop in my mind.

She pulled her hand from mine and I worried she was suddenly upset with me. She took off her backpack and dropped it on the ground. I picked it up and held it for her.

“It’s so hot,” she said as she took her jacket off.

Before I could open my mouth to ask her why she was even wearing it, I saw the angry, red welts on the pale skin of her freckled bicep. Four of them at least, but there were more that looked faded.

              “What are those?” I asked, running my index finger over them raised scars.

              “Oh, right. That’s why I was wearing the jacket,” Rose said, more to herself than to me. She sighed as she shoved her arms back into it.

              “You don’t have to cover them up but what happened to you?” I pulled her jacket back off to get another look at them. “Are they cigarette burns? Who’s hurting you?”

              Rose chuckled at me. “It was just me, don’t worry.”

              “I am worried though. Why would you do that to yourself?”

              “I get overwhelmed sometimes, and it helps to ground me. Don’t judge.”

              “It’s not exactly a healthy coping mechanism.”

              “Neither is your drinking,” she shot back. Her eyes were narrowed but she wore a ‘gotcha’ smile. “You don’t want to be like my dad, unable to hold down a job. He tells us he quit, he’s gonna sober up, but he just tries to hide it. He never knows what’s going on, it’s really embarrassing.”  Her voice was louder and more emotional than usual.

              “You’re right. I know. What I do is another form of self-harm. I’ll make you a deal though, I stop drinking and you stop burring yourself, okay?”

              “What about a wager?” she asked with a grin. She pondered the terms of the wager for a moment. “Whoever loses has to give the other person oral sex.”

              Laughter boomed from my chest. “No, that’s fucked up. I don’t want to benefit from you hurting yourself. Besides, if we did that, I’d just go back to the party and have a drink.”

We shared a laugh at that.

“I rather just make it a pact,” I went on. “If you feel the urge, just reach out to me and talk to me about it – or your friend Genesis. And I’ll do the same, okay?” I extended my arm for a handshake.

              “Deal,” she said, taking my hand. I pulled her in for a hug, our lips found each other’s, and we kissed softly but hungrily. Euphoria pulsed through my veins. She pulled away too soon.

              “Let’s just this over with, before I start tripping.”

              She led the way through the neighborhood, knowing exactly where she was going. We walked at a quick pace until we came upon a two-story yellow painted home.

              3342 Snyder Lane.

              She took out the spray paint can and shook it, I worried about the noises. There was no car out front in the driveway but there was always a two-car garage, so it was hard to tell if anyone was home.

              Wind blew in through the trees overhead. Rose looked up at the swaying branches in awe. She waved back to them.

              “Rose! Hurry it up,” I urged her in a whisper.

              She looked to me, confused, and then down at the spray paint can in her hand. Dropping to her knees,  she was mesmerized by the paint exiting the can. “I’m creating universes,” she told herself.

              She put her other hand into the stream of paint.

“Stop,” I said. “You don’t want to get caught red handed, do you?”

              She looked up at me and then down at her red palm, laughing at my pun. I took the spray can away from her and told her I’d do it.

              Ask me about Danielle, I wrote on the driveway in messy print. Underneath that, I added, I’m a pedo, to make our accusations clear. 

              I looked up for Rose and nearly had a heart attack when I saw her peeking in through the first story window. I ran up behind her but then froze.

              There was sheer, red, fabric over the window but we could still see what was going on in the house. People, maybe ten of them, all wearing plain black masks but with a red upside-down triangle drawn over the forehead. They were dancing around. In the center of their circle was a man tied to a chair. He was slouched over, still, eyes open and unblinking. They were taking turns stabbing his already dead body.

              “Get away from there,” I said, a little too loud. Because one of them stopped in their tracks and looked out through the window, right at us. This person’s sudden stop in rotation caused the others to bump into them.

              Without thinking, I picked Rose up and threw over my shoulder. I ran out of there like a bat out of hell. Her backpack clapped against her with every step. The adrenaline must have given me extra strength because I ran like that with her on my back for blocks and blocks, until, I couldn’t take it anymore. I set her on the ground, and we ran together hand in hand for what felt like an eternity. All I knew was the run. A running being was my identity. I couldn’t think of anything else. I can’t tell you how long we ran or how far we got. Rose led us and not in a straight direction, to confuse whoever might have been following us. We went through people’s backyards, up and over fences. Repeatedly.

              I could have kept going but Rose was out of breath and collapsed herself onto someone’s yard. She repeated, “I can’t do it anymore, I can’t do it.”

              “Did you see what I saw?” I asked, my hands rested on my knees as I gasped for air. When I closed my eyes, I saw geometric shapes breathing. Circles morphing into triangles, then into diamonds, then into hexagons.

              “They were killing him,” Rose said in a weak voice, burying her face in the grass.

              “He was already dead.”

My voice didn’t sound like my own. I felt like we were in virtual reality, like I was at home playing video games and none of this was even real. “They saw us. We need to keep moving.” I reached my hand down to help her up.

              “I can’t run anymore. I always knew if I was in a horror movie, that I wouldn’t survive the run. Go on without me. Save yourself.”

              “It’s my responsibility to protect you,” I replied. “You’re my girlfriend.”

I was just as surprised of those words coming out of my mouth as she was. She smiled and it was like everything was okay. For a second there, time stood still, and I felt perfectly sober. But then everything got wavy again.

              She allowed me to help her to her feet. “I’m your girlfriend?”

“Why else would I be going through all this shit for you? Now c’mon. We can walk but we have to move forward.”

              “I don’t know how to get home.”

              I looked around my surroundings, only now realizing that we were utterly lost. “You mean back to the party?”

              “Oh, right. I forgot about that stupid party.”

              “Did you want me to take you home? Because I would.”

              “No way. I couldn’t bear to see my mother right now.” I just looked at her. Her mother was dead, but it probably wasn’t the best moment to remind her of that.

              I tried to remember the route we took to get to where we were. If I could remember where Mr. Arslanian lived, maybe I could get us back to the party. What I needed was a weapon though, to make sure that we got back safely.

              The best I could find in the moment was a large stick. I picked it up and held it over my shoulder. “This way,” I told Rose, leading her in the direction that felt right.

              The threat might have been gone but my paranoia remained. All the houses looked the same. We were in an endless labyrinth. I tried to have a conversation with Rose while we walked, to add some normalcy to the evening. My mind would loop, and then I’d completely forget what I was thinking about. I’d forget what I was saying, midsentence. My words came out a mush. We didn’t see any people outside or even cars driving by and that had me feeling like I was in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Soon the zombies would come.

Things got weirder when I had the sudden sensation that I was actually my father and I was lost in the void between Earth and the afterlife. I was his ghost, trying to escape from some evil force that beckoned to me.  My breath hitched. I could feel my insides vibrating. Everything was vibrating. I sat down in the grass, hoping that the feeling would pass.

              “Are you okay?” Rose asked, the first time she had spoken in a while.

              “I’m going to a bad place.” I covered my face with my hands in shame.

              “You don’t have to,” she told me. “Genna warned me about bad trips. She told me that if you think bad thoughts, of course you’ll have a bad trip. But you can have a good time too, it’s all in how you approach it. You’re thinking too much,” she said. I couldn’t fathom how she could say so many words.

“Just lie back and enjoy the ride.”

What a concept. All my life, I’ve never been able to do just that.

It was a clear night and the stars were visible. For a moment it felt like I was the pilot of a spaceship. Then after staring at them for too long, they didn’t even look real anymore. A hologram. I broke the celestial trance and shifted my gaze over to her. The most beautiful being I had ever laid eyes on, she made this all worth it.

Feeling my stare Rose looked over at me, brushing her fingers over my face. “This is all worth it because we’re together.”

“I was just thinking that exact same thing,” I said, finally finding my words. “You read my mind.”

              She rolled over on her side and I did the same. We were almost nose to nose.

“Remember what I told you on the phone? If we practice reading each other’s minds, soon we'll be able to dream share.”

I thought of the game she taught me to play over the phone. One person clears their mind and closes their eyes, holding a picture of the other person in their mind. The other person focuses on sending a mental transmission, through a beam of light from their forehead, the other person. I wasn’t very good at the game.

“What am I thinking?” she asked. “The category is fruit.”

              I did as instructed and waited to receive her transmission. “Grapes,” I said as the image suddenly popped up in my mind.

              “What kind of grapes?”

              My eyes tried to flutter open, but I forced them shut. “Was I right? They’re green.” The picture was so clear, I could almost taste them. I looked at her for conformation.

              She nodded and smiled. “Yes, green grapes.. The acid must be helping us connect.”

“I’ll try to send one to you,” I said. “It’s a shape and a color.”

               We both laid back in the grass. I closed my eyes, held her in my mind. The light stemming from my forehead was so bright it was like I could really see it.

“Blue, a circle- no wait now it’s a triangle.” She opened her eyes and asked if she was right.

I nodded and told her to close her eyes again. “I’ll send you a number now.”

“Twenty-seven,” she said, in no time at all. “I can see it clear as day. And the numbers are in white bubble lettering with yellow polka-dots.” I was in awe, unable to speak. Good thing that I didn’t need to anymore.

“It’s the date of both or birthdays,” she went on.

“That’s why I was thinking of it. You also mentioned on the phone that you liked that number.”

“Wow,” Rose said. “I can’t believe we mastered teleportation.” We both laughed as she realized she said the wrong word.

“Telepathy,” I corrected. “I think we’d need a little more acid for teleportation.” 

               Music started playing out of nowhere. It was really creepy until we realized it was coming from Rose’s phone. I had completely forgotten we carried such devices.

              “Whoa, the screen is all over the place,” Rose said before answering.

 “I just wanted to check in,” I heard Genesis say. “Where are you guys?”

“We’re lost,” Rose replied.

There was a male’s voice in the background. Genesis had us walk to a street corner and tell her the names of the roads on the intersection we were on. It was hard to read the sign. The letter flew off and were carried away by the wind. After discussion with the other person she was with, Genesis told us to stay where we were and that she’d come find us.

I told Rose that it might be dangerous for Genesis to be walking the streets by herself. The masked ones who had engaged in the ritual could still be looking for us. Rose tried to tell Genesis about Mr. Arslanian and what we saw through his window, but Genesis just started laughing.

“You can tell it’s their first time tripping,” she said to someone else. “TJ’s coming with me. We’re on our way. Just sit tight,” Genesis told Rose before hanging up.

When we saw two figures approaching us, walking in the middle of the road, Rose jumped up and down with excitement. “They found us! We’re saved.”

She took off running towards her friend. I was shocked when both girls lifted up their shirts, revealing their bras underneath. They howled when they bumped their chests together.

Genesis’ boyfriend must have noticed my expression because he explained that was like their secret handshake. He introduced himself as TJ, while the girls were jumping all over each other. He looked like how I imagined he would, old as hell. He had long greasy hair, with a black cap over his head. A full beard, I must have looked like a child next to him. He wore a white t-shirt with holes in it and jeans that hung down below the waist. I didn’t like him. He instantly gave me bad vibes. I would have rather been lost with Rose forever.

As we walked back to the party, which apparently we were only a couple of blocks away from, the girls walked together ahead of us, chatting gleefully back and forth. Rose was telling Genesis that I was her boyfriend and Genesis was really excited about the whole thing.

TJ pulled me back to slow our pace, he grabbed my roughly. “You be good to our Rosie.” That instantly pissed me off. Rose was not his. “She’s a wild one. No experience but she’s ready to learn to fuck.” I was ready to kick this fucker’s ass.

“I coulda had her but she didn’t like the idea of a three-way relationship. She thought Genna would be mad at her but Genna said she woulda been cool with it.”

If Mr. A and his friends needed another sacrifice, I had just the guy for them.

“I never met two girls with such dirty minds,” he had the audacity to continue. “You’ll have fun wit her, I bet. But yo, if you’re gonna stick it to ‘er, don’t go ghost after tonight. That would make her sad. Which would make Genesis sad. Which would fuck wit my own life, ya feel me?”

“I don’t plan on ghosting her and I don’t plan on sleeping with her tonight either. I like her. I’m not trying to rush anything. I want to see where it goes.”

“Bro sex on acid is fucking magical. You should try it sometime. Are you having a good trip?”

“I’d be enjoying it more if I didn’t just see my old science teacher having a satanic ritual.”

He laughed at me, “You’re funny, man.”

 We could hear the music from down the street and started to run towards it, grateful to be freed from the maze. Back at the party, my mood did a three-sixty. Genesis and TJ shared a joint with us, which put me on another level for sure, but the euphoria was back. Genesis kept taking pictures. Rose and I even danced. Our bodies moving to the music without having to think twice about it. After working up a sweat, we went to the refreshment table and drank some water.

              “They’re so many of them! They’re multiplying,” Rose said, mesmerized by a tray of cupcakes. “Why’s no one eating them? I don’t want to be the only one who eats one. What’s wrong with these people?”

I encouraged her to just take one and she looked at me, her eyes mischievous.

              “I have a better idea,” she grinned. “Carry the tray upstairs for me, I’m scared I’d drop it.”

              “What do you want to do with them?” I asked.

              “We could put the frosting on each other’s bodies and lick it off.” She didn’t have to tell me twice, I grabbed the tray and we headed to the second floor.

[maepolzine]

DC Universe: Joker and Harley Quinn are not #CoupleGoals

This is one of those topics that have always irritated me from the DC universe. And really got under my skin when Suicide Squad came out. Joker and Harley Quinn are not #CoupleGoals. Yes they are a couple, but no they are not the couple that you should look up to when you are thinking about what you want your relationship to be. If anything, they should be the example of what you don't want your relationship to be. It is the prime example of an abusive and toxic relationship. I'm not just going to be focusing on their relationship from the Suicide Squad movie but from all of DC franchise (comic books, animated series, etc.).

Suicide Squad has a lot of deleted scenes and considering they had a whole separate movie planned out then changed it to match more of the "Deadpool" aesthic a lot got left out. Such as just how abusive Joker and Harley Quinn are towards each other. One example being Joker trying to kill Harley and then she casts him aside for her new teammates. But since that didn't make it to the final cut, let's look at the other key moments that define their relationship and show just how NOT #CoupleGoals they are together. Though you have to admit they are a match made in Hell.

Arkham Asylum - Harleen Quinzel to Harley Quinn

From the moment Harley Quinn met Joker in their first therapy sessions in Arkham Asylum, Joker has been playing Harley Quinn to his advantage. If you know the origins of Harley Quinn, you know her real name is Dr. Harleen Quinzel and she was a psychiatrist at Arkham Asylum. She had became a psychiatrist to understand her abusive criminal father, similar to that of the Joker. So when she is assigned the case of the purple-suited socipath, he manipulates her into falling in love with him by telling her stories about his own abusive father (whether true or false, but likely the latter) in order to gain her sympathy. Thus allowing Joker to escape Arkham and causes Harleen to lose her license. Harleen recreates herself as "Harley Quinn" so she join Joker. This is a prime example of Gaslighting. If you've never heard of the term, it's a psychological term used to describe a form of mental abuse wherein the abuser leads his/her partner to doubt their own sanity, orientation, identity, and/or memory, thereby allowing them to manipulate the victim into a state of dependence.

Chemical Dump - Harley Snaps

In the New 52 reboot of the comics, it is revealed that Joker takes Harley to Ace Chemicals. The very same factory where the Red Hood (Joker) was on a heist that ended horribly in which Joker fell into the chemicals causnig his skin to become bleached. This is the moment that defines when Harley Quinn "snaps." New 52 shows the event from Harley's perspective whereas Suicide Squad shows it from Joker's. In New 52, Joker pushes Harley Quinn into the chemicals taking away much of her responsibility for what she turns into. Whereas, in Suicide Squad Harley jumps in herself.

Dark Knight's Animated Series - Love for Harley vs Batman

Throughout the series you can see Joker treating Harley Quinn poorly. For instance, after Joker is foiled again by Batman and is working at his desk on his next scheme Harley climbs up in her lingerie and says "Aw, c'mon puddin'... don't ya wana rev up your Harley? Vroom, vroom!" To which Joker pushes her off of the desk. When she continues advances towards the Joker, he kicks her out of the hideout.

In this same episode, Mad Love, Harley decides that the only way to get Joker to love her is if she managed to kill Batman. When she captures Batman, and shows Joker what she has done. He is livid that Harley would even try to kill Batman herself. As she is interfering in his relationship with the Dark Knight and throws Harley out of the window. She states that she is done with Joker for good until she receives a bundle of flowers with a "Get well soon" card and her love for Joker is resurrected yet again.

Trapped in a Rockey - Harley Leaves Joker

Pushing Harley off of a desk isn't the full extent of Joker's abuse. On multiple occasions he has attempted to murder Harley Quinn. One of these occassions involved trapping Harley in a rocket and launching her away. Joker mentions to Harley that he hates having feelings for her as it distracts him from his chaotic ambitions. So he decided to rid himself of Harley once and for all. Harley, however, is able to control the rocket's direction and crash land in Robinson Park where she meets Poison Ivy. After becoming friends with Ivy, she decides to leave Joker and began heists with Poison Ivy. Which Joker sees as a sign of open rebellion against him. Though Harley Quinn does not fall out of love with Joker. She also has relationship with Deadshot while she is apart from Joker. And at one point in the comics, after Joker goes insane (even further) and takes off his face. He is presumed dead. Harley Quinn steals the face then puts it on Deadshot so she can talk to "the Joker" and try to understand her grief over his seeming death. Though of course he did not die and returns in the future.

Harley Goes Back to the Joker Time and Time Again

The Joker offers her a bushel of roses. Which would seem like a pretty normal romantic gesture if they had not been filled with lit TNT. Harley is able to escape before the explosion kills her. She then rationalizes to herself that her boyfriend just has “commitment issues.”

While in Brian Azzarello and Lee Bermejo's 2008 graphic novel Joker, Harley Quinn is mistaken as a stripper in front of Joker. To which, Joker rips off all of Monty's skin and throws the skinless body onto the stage in front of the audience. Which we see similar behavior in Suicide Squad, where Joker points a gun at a guy who looked too long at Harley Quinn. In that same graphic novel, Joker openly cries to in Harley's lap further showing that at some layer he does care about Harley if not dependent on each other in some way. Whether just provisive in the Joker's case or obsession as it is in Harley's case. Both of these are shown as well in Suicide Squad and the Dark Knight's animated series. Joker time and time again hates when he doesn't have Harley Quinn around or if she's around someone else. And Harley is overly obsessed with the Joker.

But no matter what they do, they are still abusive towards each other. In another instance Joker drags Harley into a cellar where he has the previous "Harleys" all dawning the same black and red colors. He tells her there have been Harleys before her and there'll be more Harleys after. She is chained up and left for dead with the lie that she's just one of many. Though from what we can gather, she's the only one but he manages to convince her with all the skeletons.

Family for Joker and Harley

There are two key instances in which the dynamic duo start a family. There's the time where they brainwashed Robin into being their son. And the time mentioned in New 52, where Harley Quinn reveals she had given birth to a daughter.

In the first case, during the animated film Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker, Joker and Harley Quinn have kidnapped Tim Drake (the current Robin) and transform him into a mini-Joker. They spent three weeks torturing and brainwashing him, thus turning him into Joker Jr. or JJ for short. Though when Joker tries to have JJ kill Batman, he kills Joker instead... granted Joker doesn't actually die from this.

In the second case, in New 52 some time after Suicide Squad Harley reveals to Black Canary that she has a daughter with Joker named Lucy who lives with Harleen's sister. Apparently she became pregnant and left Joker for nine months so she wouldn't get in the way. When she returned Joker pretended he didn't notice her disappearance.

There are other moments of abuse in their relationship but these are just some of the key ones that show just how NOT #CoupleGoals they are.

[metalandmagi]

Hogwarts house anime recommendations: HUFFLEPUFF

Okay, lately I’ve seen a few people doing book recommendations based on Hogwarts houses, and I thought it was a pretty fun idea. But I have yet to see any Hogwarts house anime recommendations, so I thought I would give it a try. Basically, these shows are what I feel embody the ideals of a certain Hogwarts house, have characters that seem like hardcore members of that house, or just give off a really strong house vibe. If you’re looking for something new or want to get into anime, maybe give it a try.

Starting with Hufflepuff

Some of the key Hufflepuff traits that run through these anime are hard work, loyalty, and strong family/ friendship bonds, which is why a lot of sports anime and slice of life shows jumped out at me. So here’s just a few.

1. Orange

For those who haven’t heard of it, Orange is a pretty interesting story focuses on a high school girl named Naho Takamiya, who receives a letter from her future self depicting the events of her school life and relationships with her friends. Over time, Naho realizes that the letter is trying to make her correct her past mistakes and make decisions that will save the life of one of her friends, who in the future, has committed suicide.

This is definitely an anime that gives off an incredibly Hufflepuff vibe. Naho is 100% Hufflepuff material, and she shows it in every episode. While she isn’t particularly concerned about how the letter got to her, she cares so deeply for her friends and does so much to help everyone around her that no one really cares about the ridiculous explanation for how the letter arrived or any timeline discrepancies. If you like stories that are extremely heartwarming but also very depressing at times, this is a great Hufflepuff-esque show.

2. Poco’s Udon World (Udon no Kuni no Kiniro Kemari)

This story revolves around a man named Souta Tawara who is returning to his small hometown from his career in Tokyo after the death of his father to take care of business and clean up his father’s old udon shop. In the udon shop, Souta finds the most adorable child in the world a child who turns out to be a baby tanuki, and wacky hijinks ensue.

Honestly this is one of the first shows I thought of for Hufflepuff when I had this idea. Yes, there are a million slice of life anime that give off a similar vibe (Tsuritama, Sweetness and Lightning, Tsuki ga Kirei, Flying Witch, Tanaka is always Listless, Barakamon, and even Ouran Highschool Host Club) but this is an anime that doesn’t get as much recognition, and it should! This anime is a great example of a show that tricks you into thinking everything is going to be fun and lighthearted, and then you’re sobbing by the last episode. Souta is a good example of a Hufflepuff who is struggling with the idea of doing what is right for him (i.e. his job in Tokyo that his family or friends didn’t really approve of) and family expectations (taking over the udon shop), which is a conflict that resonates a lot more with this generation. It also has a great cast of characters that exemplify the strong bond between family and friends that is essential to the Hufflepuff house. So if anyone is a fan of slice of life shows, this is a great one.

3. The Eccentric Family (Uchoten Kazoku)

Okay, I don’t even know a good way to describe this one. Basically, it’s a show set in Kyoto about the relationship between the tanuki population and the tengu population and the tensions between the two species. It focuses on one tanuki family, with the main character Yasaburo navigating his way through various bizarre situations and living with the threat of being captured by the tengu and being eaten in a tanuki hotpot like his father was. Honestly, it’s really weird, and I don’t remember much about the first season. BUT the second season is absolutely amazing. It is incredibly creative, fun to watch, and a refreshing take on Japanese myth culture. Plus all the tanuki are freaking adorable.

This anime seems like it is set up as a slice of life, but it is definitely not, or at least it’s not by the second season. Yasaburo is more of an unlikely Hufflepuff to me, and I can see how some can argue that he is a Slytherin, considering he always has his own agenda and tries to smooth talk his way around every situation. However, he seems like the kind of person who doesn’t care what house he’s in, and in the end he wants what’s best for his family. This show definitely isn’t for everyone, but it’s so different and has a great style to it, and overall it just has an extremely Hufflepuff vibe to it.

4. Yuri on Ice

Okay okay I know, this isn’t exactly unknown, but come on! Just in case, this anime involves the career of figure skater Yuuri Katsuki who works towards winning gold at the grand prix final after being utterly crushed at last year’s final with the help of his boyfriend/coach Victor Nikiforov. Honestly everyone knows what this show is about.

This anime just oozes Hufflepuff with how hard Yuuri works at his skating career, his loyalty to his family and other skaters, and overall kind friendly demeanor towards those he loves. Yes, Yuuri Katsuki is a Hufflepuff, and I will fight anyone who says otherwise. Yes, I could have listed various other sports anime like Free, All Out, and Haikyuu (which everyone should also check out). But I felt like YOI made more of an impact on me personally, and it’s something everyone should see because it doesn’t involve high schoolers trying to win nationals or whatever other sports competition that in the end doesn’t amount to as much. It involves a character’s actual career choice and future and all the emotional choices they are faced with, including battling serious self doubt and anxiety. It makes me sad that one of my favorite shows is part of the house that I’m not in.

5. Natsume Yuujinchou, aka Natsume’s Book of Friends

Again, this one’s not exactly unknown, but it still doesn’t get as much attention as I think it should. This slice of life anime involves a boy named Natsume Takashi, who has the ability to see youkai or spirits. Basically, Natsume finds out that his deceased grandmother Reiko could also see spirits and apparently spent her teen years going around picking fights with them, capturing their names, and putting them in what she calls the Book of Friends. At first the show focused on Natsume returning various youkai’s names to them, but honestly, that has fell to the wayside in recent seasons with each episode being about Natsume and the youkai story of the week. AND IT’S AMAZING!

This anime has a knack for being incredibly calming and also super emotional at the same time. Again, I believe Natsume is a total Hufflepuff, who just wants to live his life, keep his family and friends safe, and do what is right while also not really caring about being brave or finding out all of Reiko’s secrets. He is also the most precious cinnamon roll you will ever encounter. So much hard work has been put into this story, and it will never get old. I would literally watch 20 more seasons of this.

 So that’s just some Hufflepuff-like anime that jumped out at me. Even if no one reads this or finds it helpful, it’s pretty fun to think to think about.

Other house recommendations:

Ravenclaw

Gryffindor 

Slytherin 

[justanothercinemaniac]

Epic Movie (Re)Watch #130 - Veronica Mars

Spoilers below (for the TV show too).

Have I seen it before: Yes

Did I like it then: Yes!

Do I remember it: Yes.

Did I see it in theaters: Yes.

Was it a movie I saw since August 22nd, 2009: Yes. #283.

Format: Blu-ray

This post is dedicated to @marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer, the best Marshmallow I know.

(GIF originally posted by @marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer)

1) Veronica Mars - this film - exists because of a Kickstarter campaign that went live on March 13, 2013. The series ran for three seasons before being cancelled but gained an incredible cult following. Series creator Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, and the rest of the cast had been hopeful about a movie being made for years before turning to Kickstarter. Their goal was 2 million dollars, they got that in less than 24 hours (breaking most of Kickstarter’s records at the time). They ended up with five million total dollars by the end of their campaign (which was broke the REST of Kickstarter’s records at the time). This movie is made by the fans, for the fans basically, and that’s awesome.

2) I first started watching “Veronica Mars” on Netflix DVDs AFTER the Kickstarter had come and gone, meaning I did not have to wait the seven years many fans did for a resolution to the series’ cliffhanger ending. I fell in love with the show instantly. I binged it as quickly as I could with Netflix DVDs (ie: not very quickly but passionately) and love almost every twist and turn. It is an excellent show and my love for it definitely in part fuels my love for the film.

3) The opening, “I need your help Veronica,” montage is a great way of starting off the film. For fans of the original series it reminds us of everything we’ve been missing for a while, and for people who have never seen a single episode it gives them enough info to understand the movie and its characters. And it has this wink to the fans of the show:

Veronica: “New me? People say I’m a Marshmallow.”

(GIF originally posted by @marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer)

For all you newbies, fans of “Veronica Mars” refer to themselves as Marshmallows because of this line from the pilot. It was either that or “twinkies” and you can spell “Marshmallows” without “Mars”.

4) Kristen Bell as Veronica Mars.

It’s difficult for me to talk about Veronica as a character because most of my understanding of her as a character comes from both the film AND the TV Show. A lot of what I have to say is really going to be echoes of what @marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer has said in her fantastic recaps for the series. Veronica is strong willed, fiercely loyal, but she’s got some blinders on. If she decides you’re guilty or innocent, it is fact. That is just the way it is and she will not recognize the notion otherwise. But see, that does not come into effect in as huge a way in the film as it has in the show in the past.

Veronica is incredibly sharp. I will speak later on how physical strength is not one of her greatest attributes, but she more than makes up with it in wit and the ability to think on her feet. Tough as nails, with an incredible sense of humor (which in and of itself is probably a defense mechanism of some sort), Veronica is amazing. And Veronica would not be the Veronica we know and love if it were not for the truly perfect Kristen Bell.

There are some character who are just defined as much by the actors who play them as the writers who craft them. Veronica Mars is one of those characters. Kristen Bell inhabits all of Veronica’s qualities perfectly. Her contradictions, her strengths, her weakness, her love, her aggression, her need for intimacy with some people, her ability to be independent with others. Honestly in the same sense that Sarah Michelle Gellar IS Buffy or that Robert Downey Jr. IS Iron Man, Kristen Bell IS Veronica Mars and no other actress could ever play her with the same perfection as Bell.

5) Jamie Lee Curtis.

Understand that even though this film made more than twice what it was asking for in the Kickstarter campaign, five million bucks to make a movie these days is close to nothing. Comparatively speaking at least (although recent best picture winner Moonlight only cost 1.5 million so...). Most of the famous faces in this film - the small bits here and there like Jamie Lee Curtis in the very beginning - have some sort of working relationship with those involved in the movie (usually the actors). For example: Curtis worked with Bell in 2010′s You Again. I’m sure this most be some sort of favor to her.

6) This flip off is very Veronica. You can tell a lot about her way of handling jackasses and her sense of humor from this moment.

7) 

Gayle: Fifteen separate articles or briefs in cases ranging from multiple homicides to dognapping.

The season one episode “Hot Dogs” involves Veronica helping what was one of the kindest and most sincerely uncorrupted characters on the show (Mandy) help find her missing dog which she loved so much. I like to tell myself that is Veronica thinking fondly on this case which means little to others (especially when compared to multiple homicides) but one where she helped this really kind girl with something that really mattered to her.

8) Let’s talk briefly about the film’s “sex tape” references. Towards the end of season 3 a “sex tape” was released of Veronica and her then-boyfriend (and current boyfriend, at the start of this film) Piz. Except Veronica said she and Piz were just fooling around and didn’t actually have sex. We see the sex tape very clearly later on in the film, that has clearly been retconned. Painfully, too, as Piz is not exactly the most loved of Veronica’s boyfriends.

9) On that note...Piz.

I cannot get into the intense dislike people have for Piz without getting into how he was written and portrayed in the final season of the TV show (which was the season he was introduced in). In a nutshell, Piz was the Nice Guy™. As in the character who in reality isn’t really a nice guy, but is sort of a privileged manipulative white dude bro who thinks he deserves to be with a woman he basically sees as the female lead in his own personal romantic comedy. But the writers still write him as the “nice guy”. The movie does not have as much of that Nice Guy™ vibe to Piz though. It’s definitely still there though. He tells Veronica that he oversold her to his parents. That, “They cannot believe I landed a creature such as the one I’ve described.” But mostly Piz is kinda sorta not an awful dude. He seems to have some genuine feelings for Veronica but you can tell Veronica is with him just because he’s the safe choice. Because this is the clean life she wants. And that’s never who she was and so Piz isn’t dating the REAL Veronica. Piz is not interested in the REAL Veronica just the kind of girl he expects her to be and wants her to be. Even if he’s not a total dick about it in the film, that’s still what their relationship is.

HOWEVER I will say even though I may have issues with Piz as a character I do truly enjoy Chris Lowell as an actor. My distaste for how Piz has been written in the past is not a reflection on his performance.

10) Veronica talks about how Bonnie DeVille used to be known as Carrie Bishop. Carrie Bishop was featured in a few season one episodes of the show played by “Gossip Girl” actress Leighton Meester. Meester had scheduling conflicts with the show so they recast her part.

11) Never ever think too hard about the timeline or continuity in the Veronica Mars universe. Like...Logan is supposed to be a different age than her but they were still in the same graduating class or his dead girlfriend was a different age because she went to school with her brother who was...just, it’s confusing to think about it too hard. Just know that this film - while released in 2014 - takes place in 2016. Because the characters graduated high school in 2006 and their ten year reunion is featured in the film.

12) The theme of addiction is heavily featured throughout the movie, mainly throughout Veronica’s internal monologue. She constantly mentions her alcoholic mother while comparing her return to Neptune and the world of a PI to that idea. Not to mention Veronica described her past self as a, “possible adrenaline junkie,” within the first five minutes of the film. It’s a neat idea that gives the film a unique arc and helps it feel more than an extended episode.

13) Logan Echolls, ladies and gentlemen.

(GIF originally posted by @veronicaneptunes)

With most of (if not all of) these characters, it is difficult for me to talk about them ONLY as they are presented in the film. Logan is someone who throughout the TV show had a very troubled life. His father beat him, his mother committed suicide, his girlfriend was murdered, the murderer turned out to be his father, he had been manipulated by many people he considered family, but he was good to Veronica (for the most part) when they started dating. He cared for her, truly. There was an honesty to their relationship, an ability to be himself, which he lost when she left. I think the second Veronica Mars book Mr. Kiss & Tell goes into this more (I read it two years ago), but Logan needed to get his life together post-Veronica. So he joined the freaking Navy. That first image of Logan already sets him up as a clean cut, mostly kept together man that is FAR different from the, “obligatory psychotic jackass,” we met in the pilot of the show.

Much like Kristen Bell, Jason Dohring gives Logan a lot of depth. The reason the character was given such a prominent role and more layers - initially - was because of Dohring’s skill as an actor. He is able to present Logan as mostly collected but still vulnerable. Still with a deep sorrow in his soul, still with a darkness to him. But we as an audience are invested in him as a character. We understand Veronica’s trust for him because we see just who he is around Veronica. The chemistry between Dohring and Bell is incredible. It is not just hot steamy chemistry (although it can be, more on that later). It’s a trust, it’s friendship, it’s an ability for these two to truly be themselves around each other in a way they can’t be with pretty much everyone else.

It is a truly wonderful performance and character we get to see in the film and I think the entire franchise of Veronica Mars would be far less without Jason Dohring and Logan Echolls.

14) It is fun how to see how easily Veronica slips into her old routine at her dad’s office. Also it goes into the idea of how an addict is more easy to fall into their addiction when they get into a certain habit. Veronica was addicted to being a PI when she was in Neptune, working with Logan, and helping at her dad’s office. Is it any wonder she can’t fight off the need to go back to that life when she’s in the town for less than a day and all these things have happened already?

15) Keith’s face when he sees Veronica!

We don’t get AS good a look as Keith’s relationship with daughter Veronica in the film as we did in the TV show (we got three seasons to examine it, after all), but it is still one of the best parent/child relationships to ever grace screens and the chemistry between Enrico Colantoni and Kristen Bell is great.

16) Although the film only had a budget from Kickstarter of about five million dollars, Warner Brothers studio was comfortable enough with the film that they paid an extra million (I think it was a million) for some reshoots to help make the story more understandable. The most noteworthy of these reshoots is the scene where Keith and Veronica are driving through town and discover a bunch of kids being framed up by the police, tazzed, basically abused for being “riff raff” and Keith being able to extort the police into letting the kids go by taking a video of them abusing their power. This was all told to the audience in the original shoot at the office scene, but the use of “show don’t tell” not only paints a grim picture of what kind off corrupt place Neptune is but also what kind of man Keith is. He really is - as his daughter says - the George Bailey of Neptune.

17) Mac & Wallace!

Again, if you like what you see of these two in the movie and want more...GO WATCH THE TV SHOW! The friendship Veronica forges with Wallace is one of the strongest in her life, second only to her father and even ahead of her relationship with Logan I think. He is there through it all. Through all the boyfriends, all the drama, all the times she’s a pariah, he is there for her. He helps her out, he does favors with her, and it is just such a beautiful and loving friendship.

(GIF originally posted by @marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer)

The relationship Veronica has with Mac - while not necessarily as strong - is still great. Tina Majorino breathed such life into this character from season 1 who could’ve easily been a one off but ended up being second only to Wallace when it came to Veronica’s friends. The trio of them are great, and they’ve always got each other’s backs.

18) Dick Casablancas.

(GIF originally posted by @veronicaneptunes)

Otherwise known as: your problematic fave! Man, I don’t even know where to start with Dick. He’s...well...he’s a dick! But like a likable dick! Somehow Rob Thomas gets away with Dick doing some really awful shit in the show and still have him be Logan’s best friend. Dick in this film is - I think - mostly comedic relief (and, at one point, a suspect) and Hansen is just a lot of fun in the role.

A little note about Dick though. This line has way more significance than you would think:

Dick [after Logan’s potential lawyer makes a remark about his pot brownies]: “Medicine, man. I got my card. Chronic depression. You wouldn’t think, huh?”

That’s actually very telling about Dick. Season two ended with his younger brother being revealed as a mass murderer before killing himself, and there was some fair amount of time devoted in early season three to examining how Dick dealt with this.

19) This scene alone shows a lot of fun back and forth between Veronica, Logan, and the idiots of Neptune.

Logan [after these two Canadian drunks call a girl a crazy bitch at karaoke night]:

(GIFs originally posted by @marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer)

20) Again with the theme of addiction:

Veronica [internal monologue]: “You know what? It’s a one time deal. A farewell tour, if you will. [Sees hot as fuck Logan] Then again, you ever hear the one about the junkie who was satisfied with just one more taste of the good stuff?”

(GIF originally posted by @veronicaneptunes)

Veronica: “Neither have I.”

21) Chekov’s random trucker hat line...

Veronica [about being able to hide cameras in anything]: “My dad has a trucker hat that’s rigged with a camera -”

22) There’s this rule Pixar has with writing: a coincidence that gets the character into trouble is plot. A coincidence that gets them out of trouble is cheating. The fact that Veronica is able to get into someone’s house by saying she’s doing a location scout for a Clint Eastwood movie only for that person to have a connection to Clint Eastwood falls into the former of those two categories.

23) This film THRIVES on fan service which also serves the plot. For example, Veronica - like she did all the way back in season one - calls Wallace for a favor.

Veronica: “Hey Buddy! I need a favor. Can you get me a student’s permanent file?”

Wallace: “You do realize that I’m a teacher now, Veronica? An educator? This is a position of responsibility.”

Veronica: “So you’re saying it’s gonna be super easy. Good. I did NOT want to put you out.”

The theater I saw this in - with quite a few Marshmallows - all found this scene hysterical.

24) The inclusion of Deputy Sacks is a nice way of bringing in even what some would call the smaller characters into the film. AND it ends up working out really well.

25) Jerry O’Connell as Sheriff Dan Lamb.

The perfect personification of slime and corruption in Neptune. Lamb’s brother Don Lamb was the incompetent (and assholish prick of a) sheriff throughout most of the show, and somehow they made his brother even worse. At least Don Lamb would OCCASIONALLY do his job if presented with enough compelling evidence. Meanwhile Dan is even more egotistical, even says at one point he doesn’t care if Logan is innocent or not, and later in all likelihood tries to have Keith killed. Jerry O’Connell plays Lamb as wonderfully vile. A villain you love to hat.

26) I love that this film brings in so many memorable characters from the TV show, even though some are limited to one scene. But that one scene is enough for us to remember why we love them. This is very true for Daran Norris as Cliff McCormack, Neptune’s resident public appointed attorney.

27) It is interesting seeing how these characters have grown in the seven years since the TV show ended. For example, Veronica is able to show off QUITE clearly that she spent a considerable amount of time at law school when she’s defending herself at the police station.

28) The whole scene at the 09er is very entertaining, if for no other reason than a trio of fun cameos we get. We see exactly the stupidity of the “cool kids” at Neptune, we get the series’ first use of the word, “fuck,” AND we get Veronica’s trademark sass. Also we get this nice moment between husband & wife:

29) But the 09er scene is NOTHING compared to the reunion at Neptune High.

The entire graduation scene perfectly shows off the film’s ability to balance out fan service AND move the plot forward. It brings back almost all the memorable characters from the TV show, friends and enemies a like. And for you who haven’t seen the show, we get a very clear picture of just how much Veronica “enjoyed” high school.

Veronica: “In a lesser known epic poem, ‘Dante’s Inferno 2: Hell Freezes Over,’ ten years after escaping the nine circles, Dante returns. You know, for old times’ sake. Have a couple shots, catch up with the gang...”

Madison [as Veronica approaches]: “Name?”

Veronica: “See if Lucifer’s still a bitch.”

We get a see of characters in this scene.

Madison Sinclair is still an entitled, judgmental, condescending asshole.

Gia Goodman (played by the incredible Krysten Ritter of “Jessica Jones” fame) is REMARKABLY different from the last time we saw her. Back then she was a chipper, positive (if a little naive) young woman. Then Veronica exposed her dad as a pedophile to the world, he was killed by Dick’s brother in a plane explosion, and some really awful psychotic shit went down where she is basically owned by a man named Cobb (Martin Starr). Gia is likely the most changed character since the TV show and Ritter’s amazing range supports that.

Eli ‘Weevil’ Navarro has gotten his life together, which is an incredible thing to see from the former member of a bike gang. He has a daughter, he has a wife, he is reformed! But of course Neptune is gonna tear him back down.

We even get a chance to see Horny, the recurring comic relief and nice dude from the show, in a little moment which I as a fan appreciate.

Edit: I have had it pointed out to me that the character’s name is Corny, not Horny is I’ve thought for four years. You can find the reply in notes, but I’m going to leave the name as I originally thought so you all know my shame.

30) The high school reunion also serves as a turning point for the story. Veronica realizes that Carrie’s death is tied to the death of her friend Susan Knight YEARS ago on Carrie’s father’s boat. And now her investigation has some more direction.

31) When you watch the works of Rob Thomas (the writer, not the singer) you find he is wonderfully aware of his famous name-twin.

Piz [about talking about some 2006 music]: “Maybe some SOLO Rob Thomas.”

That’s nothing compared to what we got on “iZombie” though.

32) I love this.

(GIFs originally posted by @marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer)

33) A great peek at how Veronica is not as alone as she may think is after Madison (asshole) shows Veronica’s sex tape at the family reunion. For one thing Wallace is immediately at Veronica’s side, running to turn it off. Then Wallace, Logan, Weevil, Dick, and Piz (at least. Maybe Horny too, I’m not sure.) all jump into a fight with the assholes who want to put the tape back on. A great recall from this line:

(GIF originally posted by @marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer)

34) Principal Clemmons is another example of a great supporting character from the show making a brief but appreciate appearance in the film.

35) Veronica at the reunion’s after-party is very much her being in her natural environment. The scene where she’s dancing and it cuts to slow mo is very predatory to me. She is a lion ready to pounce on its prey. This is her in her element and its great to watch.

36) Martin Starr as Cobb is a...unique new character in the film. He was not in the show at all and now he’s part of the group of established characters. In hindsight it’s obvious that he’s the evil mastermind of it all (spoiler alert).

37) Veronica impersonating Martina Vasquez to get info out of Lamb is as nice callback to the series while also showing new viewers just how crafty she can be.

(GIF source unknown [if this is your GIF please let me know].)

38) Leo!!!!

(GIF originally posted by @marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer)

Leo was like the best boyfriend Veronica had on the show who wasn’t Logan, an actual nice guy and not Nice Guy™. Max Greenfield has gotten a lot more recognition lately for his memorable turn as Schmidt on “New Girl” but he’s GREAT on the show and in this film. He only has one scene but it’s a bit bigger than say Cliff’s scene or Clemmons’ scene, and him screwing with Veronica by pretending to not remember her is a lot of fun.

39)

Leo: “By the way, I didn’t know the FBI was looking into the Bonnie DeVille case.”

Veronica: “I’m not with the FBI.”

Leo: “You sure? I could’ve SWORN I heard somewhere that you were in the FBI.”

Veronica: “Another life maybe.”

Rob Thomas pitched a drastically altered version of the show which would have seen Veronica join the FBI in season 4. I’m kinda glad it didn’t work it, but they shot this pitch:

40) So James Franco is in this movie.

Rob Thomas said in an interview:

"My producing partner, Danielle Stokdyk, her husband is an Academy Award-winning visual effects artist who happened to have just done 'Oz the Great and Powerful.' He had become friendly with James, and it really was easy as this: I emailed a script and said we'd love you for this part and honestly five minutes later, five minutes later, he emailed me back and said, 'sounds fun, I'm in.'"

41) Add Vinnie Van Lowe to the list of fun appearances from the show!

42) According to IMDb:

In one of the shots, a man dressed like a gorilla was needed to dance in the foreground while Kristen Bell and Ken Marino played a scene on a bench. Ryan Hansen had just wrapped his last scene in the film a few hours earlier and was hanging out on set and agreed to do the scene. Rob Thomas and Ryan then decided to prank Kristen and Ken, who didn't know it was Ryan in the gorilla suit. The stint made the DVD bloopers reel.

43) Veronica cannot say, “I know what happened,” without me thinking of this:

(GIF originally posted by @marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer)

44)��Chekov’s random trucker hat line.

(GIF source unknown [if this is your GIF please let me know].)

45) This line that Deputy Sacks has is very telling about who he is as a character, his conflict, and what is up in Neptune.

Sacks: “I saw this thing on, uh, YouTube a few weeks ago, Keith. It’s a funny video. A...uh...two nazi they’re uh...looking at the skulls on their insignias and the piles of dead bodies. And they have this moment of clarity. Wait a minute...we’re the bad guys.”

46) Deputy Sacks’ death is a surprisingly powerful moment. This is a character who has been around since the pilot in 2004. Someone who was always there and who Veronica or anyone else never got super close to. But he was always there, always a good cop, and the sorrow of his loss is seen in one simple unanswered question:

Doctor: “Was he a friend of yours?”

47) The following LoVe love scene (LoVe is the ship name for Logan + Veronica) really shows off how these two not only have a chemistry built on being able to be themselves, but also the fact they’re each INCREDIBLY attracted to each other and just have this raw sexy passion. There is a tenderness, a connection, a heat to them that is just unmatched by any of her other boyfriends.

48) Remember how Veronica is sort of an addict?

Veronica: “The only way I’m not going to spend the day obsessing about my dad is by nailing Gia and Luke to the wall.”

49) One of Veronica’s most defining character traits is that when she decides a person is guilty, they are guilty. And it takes a lot for her to alter her theory or her idea of what is going on. This is seen when she is watching Gia and Cobb hook up, and she comments...

Veronica: “Gia seduced her lap dog into killing Carrie.”

There is NOTHING about that scene that shows Gia initiating sex with Cobb, it’s totally Cobb doing it. But Veronica can’t see that, she only sees what supports her theory. And then there’s this line that shows what she thinks of Gia.

Veronica [after Logan warns her to be careful]: “Child please, it’s Gia Goodman. The day I can’t handle Gia Goodman...”

This is very much a line that would be applied to high school Gia, not this new Gia. Veronica has little to no idea who this new Gia is.

50) The following scene between Veronica and Gia is a great character moment for Gia. Krysten Ritter’s skills as an actor show us just how tortured and trapped this once kindhearted and positive girl was, and it’s heartbreaking.

51) The entire climax (where Cobb has Veronica trapped in Gia’s apartment building) is very tense. Cobb has the upper hand physically and Veronica knows that. She has to play this confrontation by hiding, being patient, and outsmarting Cobb. And she does! It is wonderfully paced and choreographed and just a great moment of tension.

52) My biggest criticism of this film is that I’m always surprised by how quickly it wraps up, but it’s also something I’ve gotten more comfortable with in repeat viewings.

53) The metaphor of Veronica as an addict has never been clearer than her last lines of the film (an internal monologue).

Veronica: “My name is Veronica, and I’m an addict. Hello Veronica.”

54) Logan often had inspirational messages on his voice mail in the show. This message which plays over the end credits is very nice.

Logan: “This is Logan reminding you: if you’re offered a seat on a rocket ship, don’t ask which seat, just get on. Sheryl Sandberg said that. So don’t leave a message. Go get on that rocket ship. Or, leave a message. Your call. Your decision will tell me a lot about you.”

That - to me - seems very telling about the film. They took a chance on asking fans to finance it and it turned out wonderfully! They got on their rocket.

This recap ended up being much longer than I intended. And there’s still a lot here I can talk about which I haven’t. And that is very telling of the film. There is a lot to dissect, a lot that works and is going on in the movie. The writing is incredible, with a good balance of fan service and plot. The acting is as good as it ever was on the show, Rob Thomas’ direction is great, and it is just what fans who were waiting seven years for closure deserved. A great, great film and a fantastic potential finale to the series.

[thecatwhosleepsin]

[Book Review] Sad Girls

Sad Girls by Lang Leav

Genres: Fiction, Young Adult, Contemporary

Date Published: May 30, 2017

Publisher: Andrews McMeel Publishing

Pages: 320

Rating: 2/5

Youth is wasted on the young.

I can’t say I had high expectations for this book.

Over the stretch of time that has lapsed between her last and latest publication, my senior writing peers have taken up the responsibility of removing Lang Leav from the immeasurably high pedestal in my heart. I fell in love with her first book, you see. Love and Misadventures became my holy grail in poetry when I read it when it was first published. Her points when it came to love and loss was so acute, she put stars in my eyes.

 after that, I bought more of her books as soon as they were published (despite the obvious hole it left in my wallet). The magic of her words slowly faded. I know where her words were coming from, but I’m not that sure if she was writing for herself now. That’s how I felt after Lullabies, Memories, and The Universe of Us but I brushed the thought the instant it came to mind and thought,

Nonsense. I’m reading too much into it. All writers struggle to write for themselves to justify the truth they know and want to impart.

But deep inside I still asked myself,

Is her poetry the only poetry I know?

And it was true, I never knew the classics. Name one famous dead poet and I wouldn’t even have a clue.

But let’s put aside the matter of my doubts regarding her credibility as a poet, let’s talk about her new book.

In the dying embers and blackened twigs of a ravaged forest, who could distinguish where the first spark was lit? Only the arsonist knows the exact location on which the first match was struck.

It is Audrey Field’s final weeks in school when she shatters the already precarious nature of her life and of everyone she knows with a single, repulsive lie. It leads to a dangerous chain of events -the death of her melancholic classmate Ana, the start of her breathless panic attacks, her best friend Candela throwing her life away, the spark of an ill-timed romance with Ana’s enigmatic boyfriend Rad, and the revelation of a deadly secret.

“I think it’s because we romanticize the past. We give it more than it deserves.”

Sad Girls revolves around writers, the mass effect of uttering a thoughtless lie, the value of friendships, the meaning of true love, freedom, finding one’s place in the world, heartbreaks, (wasting) second chances, dreams, uncovering false appearances and the significance of the truth -which brings me to my admission that I didn’t quite like this one.

Audrey is one of the biggest reasons. You could imagine my incredulity upon finding out what kind of horrible lie that caused, not only hers, but everyone’s lives to fall apart. INCEST. Between her classmate and her OWN father. No lie is more disgusting and I couldn’t believe she said it, so casually and I quote, earnestly to her best friends (one of which was Ana’s close friend), just for the heck of it and didn’t even bother to take it back right then and there. No sane person would ever do that, and I felt that the remorse and guilt that attacked her until the end of the novel wasn’t enough punishment for her ridiculous tongue.

There were handful of times where her words went far out of line. She also didn’t endeavor to completely mend her rocky relationship with her mother. She surreptitiously sneaked around her boyfriend’s back to hung out with the boyfriend of the sad girl whose demise was brought upon her revolting lie. She wasn’t the least honest about her obligated relationship with Duck to him, to everyone and to herself.

There were also a lot of loose ends to tie up. Like the ambiguity of Candela’s relationship with Ana.

Candela:

“I know what you’re implying about me and Ana, and do you know what? It’s none of your fucking business.”

Ana (about Rad):

I know he thinks he’s in love. But he has no idea what love is. Not yet anyway.

So, it’s safe to assume that Ana wasn’t really in love with Rad, and Candela saw her as more than a sister figure from the way she got into a bad crowd, resorted to drugs and became highly sensitive when anyone brought her up. Seeing how intense her grief is, affection for her deceased close friend is definitely possible since Candela’s first fling was also a female, and maybe, Ana also reciprocated her feelings since she had a picture of her in the locket she immensely treasured (enough to be used as a bookmark). Most likely Rad had suspected it, knew it wasn’t him in her locket all along and only looked inside for confirmation and to appease Audrey’s suggestion.

If Duck’s man periods level on extremes (pitiful Audrey putting up with every single one of it), he becomes downright terrifying in post breakups, especially when he’s drunk. He was blinded by love (obsession?) for Audrey, and it was almost touching until he raged in front of her window, his chivalry evaporated into thin air.

I wanted to see more of his character development from when Audrey broke up with him because no matter what, even when there were several moments where I adored his tenderness and sweetness, his lasting impression was a psycho (from his bipolar mood swings), even after he found a new girl and quoted to Audrey,

“Everything happens for a reason.”

Also, WAS I THE ONLY ONE WHO ABSOLUTELY ADORED GABE? I mean, he was the normal one out of all Audrey’s love interests. Optimistic and funny, he was a ball of sunshine and he deeply respected her boundaries as well, completely unassuming and only acting upon his feelings as long as Audrey allowed it. Bittersweetly, he chose to let her go, wishing for nothing but her happiness.

“I don’t think I can do the friend thing. Not with you.”

HE WAS SUCH A KEEPER. AUDREY, YOU IDIOT. YOU MISSED THE ROAD TRIP OF YOUR LIFE.

Rad, on the other hand, was your typical enigmatic hottie with heterochromatic eyes which only intensified the mystery that veiled around him. Witty and well-acquainted with the woes of a writer, he charmed his way to Audrey’s broken, guilt-ridden heart.

From the start, I was always skeptical about him. Initially, I thought that his refusal to talk about anything regarding Ana, his easygoing attitude and his desire to frequently spend time with Audrey were commonplace actions of one who was grieving the death of his love. I believed he was trying to move on from her by ignoring the fact, but it was so much more. He was trying to bury the guilt —through writing, finding someone new, ripping a suicide note from his girlfriend’s diary and keeping it, maybe to convince himself that she wanted the accident.

He was the most cowardly of all the characters in Sad Girls, I concluded. The only answer I could piece together from his inhumane decisions was that his mental health degraded during his relationship with suicidal Ana. It’s toxicity retained in himself and jumbled up the meaning of what’s right and wrong. I mean, after unintentionally killing your own lover and staging it as suicide, guilt was bound to eat you up and squeeze the truth from you. But his conscience didn’t work or maybe, it was long dead anyway. He had no decency, even continuing his life, pursuing his aspirations and a girl who was obviously taken. (She matched his standards —sad, lonely and broken.)

Though the book ended on a really disturbing note, I could say Audrey and Rad were perfect for each other, running away from the grave sins they had committed to start over a clean slate, neglecting their conscience, fulfilling their dreams like the past was just nothing and Audrey leaving her doting friends in the dark.

Two wolves bound to devour each other alive.

The liar and the killer. Bonnie and Clyde. Harley and Joker. Bring on the titles.

And before I come into a conclusion, let me express my rage: WHY DID MY CINNAMON ROLL FREDDY HAVE TO DIE? WHY DID SWEET SWEET LUCY HAVE TO BE MISERABLE? THEY’RE THE MOST DESERVING COUPLE WHEN IT COMES TO HAPPINESS, WHY BREAK THEM APART? The truth will come out eventually. No need to destroy the most lovable (and cheesiest) couple in the book.

Sheesh. My gut was right when it was feeling uneasy as I went through Lucy’s odd mini-speech:

“But he was my first real boyfriend. I don’t have anyone else to compare him with. What if he isn’t the love of my life and I’m just sticking with him because I’ve never known anything else?”

There you go, Lucy.

In Sad Girls, Lang Leav skirts through sensitive subjects with the aloofness and subtlety of a freight train. But I greatly appreciated her raw tribute to writers.

“But I don’t think all writers are sad. It’s the other way around —all sad people write. It’s a form of catharsis, a way of working through things that feel unresolved, like undoing a knot. People who are prone to sadness are more likely to pick up a pen.”

As a debut novel, it wasn't so much of an okay shot, but I would’ve loved it more if she imposed the writing style she uses when composing prose. Despondency, Dead Butterflies, Rogue Planets, The Professor and Three Questions were some of my favorites. Years back when I first read them, I believed I was given a glimpse of how she would write her novel in the near future and I was considerably excited. Now, it’s not that she disappointed me. It’s just that somehow I just knew it would come to this and it’s okay. I’m a patient girl. She will overcome herself, especially when everyone is given chances and has the right to use them (excluding Audrey and Rad though, unless if they did it the right way).

I am always rooting for my childhood favorite and I hope to see her considerably grow in the next years to come. Meanwhile, let me say:

My youth (and money) is wasted on this book.

This has been a quite long review, and I thank anyone who has spent time to read my thoughts!

And one last thing, Ana’s notion of love, though maybe solid truth to others, will continue to haunt me:

The truth is, everyone wants to believe they’re in love but no one really is. So to all the girls out there who are stuck between two minds about some stupid crush, I have news for you. If you have to wonder, if you have to question what you feel, then deep down you actually don’t give a shit. As for the rest of you who don’t get it, welcome to the club. If you know what it’s like to want someone so much you would kill for them. If you know what it’s like to feel someone so deep under your skin you would sacrifice everything to protect them —even if it screws up your own moral compass so you can’t see right from wrong. If you’re like me, then let me leave you with this: That’s what love is. Don’t let them tell you any different. Don’t tell yourself otherwise.

[sending-the-message]

Fingertips by watercolorlies

When I was five, my sister died. She was older by ten years and her decade of experiences was a lifetime I couldn’t fathom, so I simply worshiped her. She fiercely protected me, making sure I was safe and I was mostly happy. At the funeral, when I overheard people talking about how wild she was and about how tragic but expected her death was— I didn’t really understand any of. I understood I was mad. I was mad at them for saying things about her and for saying or implicating she was anything less than holiest of Madonnas.

It’s not as any one of them understood our lives. Bad shit happened even before I was born. My biological dad left shortly after my mother got pregnant and she spiraled out of control, which was a marvel considering she spent most of her life hiding the shine of her stability under the nearest available bush. She remarried as soon as she could get away with it and also avoid gossip.

My step-dad was the kind of person that meshed with my mom’s need for drama since he liked drugs and he liked women. When she wasn’t having screaming matches with him, she was bemoaning her trapped fate and her multitude of sacrifices to anyone who would listen and pity her. Maybe she even knew, that sometimes he was so fucked up on those drugs he also liked his wife’s daughters, but I think it was something else she could wring her hands and pray over.

When I got older, I realized my sister shielded me from it as much as she could. I had some fuzzy memories, hazy moments of not right, but she got the worst of it. Even long after my sister died, people talked about my poor, beleaguered mother, with her abusive husband, and her rebellious teenager who partied into the late hours and slept with too many guys. They made it seem like it was the most natural thing in the world and some sort of karmic retribution that a 15-year-old girl died because she aspirated her own puke. That’s what happens when you’re bad, and you let too many people into your most sacred of places—you die. Doesn’t matter if you’re five, you’re 15, or you’re 40. You deserved it.

After she died, there was no one to protect me. My step-dad started coming after me on one of his benders. While it happened, I would think of my sister, and this game we used to play. After he had left her, his beer-piss scent still lingering over top of the smell of baby shampoo and sweet pea lotion, she would reach up and tangle her fingers in mine. She’d tell me a story, about how one day she would save me. We’d both escape and we’d be happy. Nothing in this world would touch us. There were so many secrets in that house, but that one was ours. It made me smile to be able to think of her so clearly, and block out the rest of the horrible things that were happening to me. She was there, dodging in and out of my memories, in control of our fates. In whatever fucked up way the world has, it made it easier to bear.

As I grew up, I realized this wasn’t the way people were supposed to live their lives. I found the kind of righteous anger known well by teenagers. I got angry at the abuse, I got angry and being trapped, and I got angry at being this adult personality stuck in a puberty-riddled body. I followed in my sister’s footsteps in every way possible: I couldn’t control how he destroyed my innocence, but I could control how I wrecked everything left. I followed in her death spiral—I got into drugs, I got into booze, and I got into older guys. I collected all the things that made my life substantially worse and then embraced them tightly as who I was and became to be separate from him.

I found myself on sidewalks with no idea on how I got there. I found myself in apartments two towns over, my barefoot bloody and the tourniquet still on my arm. I woke up in puke, and semen, and in piss. Every time, I calmed myself by remembering that stupid game I played with my sister, trying to avoid the panic attacks and promising myself I wouldn’t do it again, just to ignore all those resolutions the next time I needed to bury myself because I hated who I was.

Somehow, I survived. It had to be by the grace of some sort of divinity, because I tried like hell to commit suicide in every indirect way I could imagine. I figure that’s how she felt: that she chose to drown there because it felt so much better than going on. I got out of the house, despite my step-father trying to put a vice grip on my finances and my mother spreading to every one of her friends how I was an ungrateful, lazy piece of shit. I got a job that paid for nothing, but it allowed me to go to community college. I then found a slightly less shitty job that allowed me to finish my bachelor’s degree. I still partied a little too hard and fell into some bad spots with inappropriate people who liked to abuse me just as much as I abused myself. But I remembered my sister and our youthful promise, and made it a reason to move forward.

I met my now boyfriend during that time. He asked me out. I said no, because he had this aura of nice guy and it didn’t feed into my self-destructive tendencies in the way I liked. He asked to hang out instead, and did so genuinely—like he wanted to be my friend no matter what. That was new, after a string of people who pretended to be nice just for the hope I would take my pants off for them.

After a few months of movie dates and coffee and him picking me up off the floor without asking for anything in return, I asked him out. He turned me down, but continued to help me put myself back together. I went into rehab. I found a great job. I got accepted into a highly competitive Master’s program. He’s the one that threw the surprise party to celebrate and we finally decided together that we wanted a relationship with each other.

After a while, I just started spending the nights at his place. He lived a little way out of the city, and it made a difference for my peace of mind since it was quiet and it was dark. For the first time in my life since my sister passed, I knew what happiness was like. He was gentle, loving, and honest. We worked together to build a life, rather than all the work I did to pull mine around down around my ears. We talked about maybe getting a puppy and that as much commitment as either one of us was comfortable with, considering how much of a commitment we already made. It was my paradise. I escaped.

Our arguments, few and far between, were blisteringly bad despite all this peace. One night, we’re having a quiet dinner one second, then he makes some comment I don’t even remember. For the next hour, we’re screeching at the top of our lungs, and he screams that I’ll never be happy. I’ll always be a fucked-up mess. Then he grabs his coat, the door slam punctuating his sentence. I went to the bedroom, throwing myself into the soft comforter and crying in the dark.

Under his bed was a mess. Always was. Storage boxes, winter clothes, shoes—you name it and it was there. When I was younger, I used to be afraid to look under the bed, even if my bogie men were far more tangible. Even in my 20’s, I would hide underneath the blankets, and bury my hands in the pillows so no piece of me was exposed to the dark and all the things there. Without my sister, I learned, the darkness was a beast that devoured.

I didn’t worry so much at his place. Bogeyman would have to compete with the amount of junk he left there. My boyfriend even pushed his bed against the wall to prevent my obsessions from convincing me that someone could roll right how and draw me under. However, the curved edge of the mattress didn’t quite meet the perfect 90-degree angle of the wall, and I always wrapped my hand into my pillow to avoid it. Tonight, though, I felt destructive. I felt like that little girl who no one really saved. So, I dangle my fingers over the edge, into that tiny space.

And I feel someone else’s fingertips tangling with mine, fumbling to hold my hand. They’re freezing—not just I forgot my gloves cold, but corpse cold and hard. I tried to jerk my hand back, but the other one holds fast and my fingers start hurting. She told me once, that she could make everything better. I walked in her footsteps, and I know that the only thing in the world I wanted was to be in control of something. I never wanted it to be better. Not when I could bring someone down with me.

The room gets colder, and the baby shampoo scent makes me feel a little unsteady. Finally, I yank my hand free and immediately bury it into the pillow and pull the covers over my head. No one else is here, but I can still hear something shuffling under the bed, in a space where there is room for nothing else.

Right now, I am terrified. I can’t catch my breath, but I want to put this into words as though it would make some logical reason come into being. Yet, I’m still not sure I want a more logical reason. I’m not sure what scares me most: The cold hand reaching from where it shouldn’t be and where no person could fit, or of what happens if leave this room and let her go. While I know my boyfriend and I will talk and we’ll be okay, how long before I screw it up, like I do everything? She is scratching at the box spring, sound of nails splintering the wood vowing to fulfill the childhood promise that this world will never touch me again.

[zelvictorious]

First post, bound to be a long one.

Growing up, I was bullied for being different. In elementary school, kids made fun of the way I talked and even the teachers made fun of my stutter. It took me several years to break it, but they never cared that i nearly went deaf from an ear infection that no one caught until it was almost too late. They never cared that I had a hard time focusing on the work that was in front of me because I was worried that when I went home, I might find my mom passed out from her drinking or that my father might not come home from work that night because of it. No, all they ever saw was a kid that stuttered when he spoke, and spoke without any emotion in his voice. The fact that I liked guys more than girls seemed like an added benefit to the bullies. I liked a few girls, but it was more of a “this is what others are doing, so you should” way than anything.

To these people, I just have to say this: Fuck you. Fuck each and every single one of you. My life was hard enough trying to smile in front of my parents knowing full well that they were at the breaking point and the only thing holding them together was my siblings and me. I tried to ignore what was said, but the truth of the matter is that it screwed my confidence up and made it hard for me to make friends. The few people I do count as friends always ask me why it is that I apologize all the time, and I always shrug and say I don’t know. Honestly, I apologize so much because it has become second nature thanks to the ass holes I grew up around who thought calling me CD was funny. I apologize so much because the people who were meant to be a positive influence in my life saw me as nothing more than a “special needs” student despite the fact that I never was diagnosed with a learning disability. I never had time to do homework in elementary and middle school because I was taking care of my mom, who would be stone cold drunk by the time I got home. I was taking care of my younger brother and sister who didn’t fully understand why mom “didn’t love them enough to not drink.” I was busy making sure that my older siblings didn’t feel alone when they cried at night when they heard our parents fighting and heard the word divorce brought up again.

I dealt with a lot in my life that has lead to some piss poor decisions that I still hate myself for to this day. Things that ruined my life and and made finding work difficult. I never fully understood my dad because he was always working to provide for us, or always fighting with our mom. We didn’t know at the time that she was bipolar, or that alcohol was her trigger, all we knew was that she would drink and cause problems. Because I never knew my dad that well, I was afraid to come out of the closet. What scared me the most was when I spent the night at my friend’s house and was molested by one of the family friends I had a crush on. I didn’t know what was going on, all I knew was that the guy was touching me and it felt good, but wrong at the same time. He was doing the same thing to my friend, but stopped when he heard my friend’s mom wake up. My friend called me a fag for liking it, and mocked me because he knew I liked the guy. I ended up waiting until they all went to bed, packed my shit, and walked almost 10 miles back to my house. What hurt most though was that I couldn’t tell people what had happened to me. I was worried that I was going to be blamed for liking it and told it was my fault that it happened. I ended up having a nervous breakdown, and was committed to a psychiatric ward at a children’s hospital for a few weeks. I was released a week or two before Halloween, but never told my parents the truth about why I shut down or why it was I had so many thoughts of hurting others and myself rattling around in my head. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and given meds that helped for a little bit but stopped after a while.

After that, my grades fell, my parents started to talk about moving again after I was finally making some friends, and I felt all alone. I still had to put on a smile for my parents, but the relationship with my dad and I grew even more jagged. I blamed him for everything I had to deal with, I blamed my siblings for my poor grades, I hated my mother for forcing me to take on a role I never wanted, and I hated myself for what happened to me. At the time, I had a crush on a boy named Ricky. He was like me, constantly bullied for things he couldn’t control, and he was always by my side. At first I thought he was annoying, but I grew to like him and even fell for him. We were bother almost 13 at the time, and near inseparable. He was the only reason I went to scouts. My biggest regret outside of the criminal things I have done is that I never told him how I felt because I was afraid of being bullied even worse for it.

When I was 15, I made a lot of bad choices. This continued on until I was 17 when I went to jail. I hate myself for all that happened and lost a lot of friendships over it. I won’t go into details about it, simply because I don’t want to relive everything again. Suffice it to say that not a day goes by that I don’t think of the people I hurt with my actions, or how each day I struggle to keep thoughts of suicide away. My boyfriend knows what I did, so does his family, and none of them care. They tell me I need to let go and move on, but I can’t do that.

I used to work at a convenient store on the third shift. I was held up twice in 3 years, which is low considering a lot of other stores got hit weekly in my area. I kept telling everyone I was fine and that it was nothing, but the truth was I didn’t care, and it scared me. I remember staring at the gun and thinking to myself, “Well, I guess this is it then,” like it was some kind of predetermined thing. Obviously I lived and kept working there for another two years. The second time I was robbed, I never saw the weapon because the guy stood behind me, but I still didn’t feel anything.

Yesterday, 08/11, I had one of the worst episodes I’ve had in years. I was cooking breakfast for my boyfriend when I just felt wrong. All the thoughts of what I did and what happened to me came rushing back, and then I found myself with a butcher’s knife resting on my wrist thinking, “It will be quick.” I threw the knife away and nearly cried because of it. The last time I had come that close to was when I was about 14 and had just swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills my dad kept. I realized what I had done and threw them up, just like I threw away the knife. My boyfriend came into the kitchen and found me standing there with my eyes closed whispering to myself to stay calm.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over four years now. I was married to his best friend despite not wanting to marry her. I thought she was nice and was still in the closet so it ended up that she thought I loved her because we were “together” for almost 8 years. The truth is though, there has only been one woman I ever loved, but I knew I wasn’t right for her. It didn’t matter how her life was worse than mine or that we were both mad for the other, it was the fact that I knew it was temporary and I’d find myself in a man’s bed. I couldn’t hurt my best friend that way, but she already knew I was gay at the time. She is still the only woman I have ever loved, my ex-wife was just the convenient cover that I used to keep my dad from learning that I was gay. I ended up cheating on my ex when I realized her friend was gay and had a crush on me. Before him, I had only had one other boyfriend named Sam.

Sam was an egotist who loved to lie and do drugs. I never knew any of that while we were dating. All I knew was that he was cute, a great kisser, but slow on figuring out what I wanted. We first kissed at a back to school party my parents let me throw.Everyone was watching V for Vendetta when we sneaked off to talk. We ended up kissing and he cuddled me. I didn’t care that my friends came up and caught us together, I was happy then, but it didn’t last. I ended up leaving Sam because he was more interested in himself than anything else. I’m not going to lie, especially since the only people reading this will most like be my guildies, I practically threw myself at him every chance I had. I wanted him to do more than just kiss me, but any time we came close to doing more, he made some excuse about his dad dying and needing him home. I found out after I broke up with him a few weeks later that he wasn’t interested in guys for real, he was just going it because it made him feel special.

I think I will end this entry here. Its already longer than I thought it would be, no sense making it longer.