#and who makes shitty songs can't be supported lol. but the video I liked a lot

[a---fire---inside]

Fabrizio Moro -Tutta La Voglia di Vivere

[ashleigh148]

TW: for passing remarks of - as Otto Mahler called it - "handing back my ticket".

Alrighty, my turn.

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a musician. I know I'm not a very good one, but music has always been a part of me, no matter what.

Even when it's also been my greatest frustration.

I took classical piano lessons starting around 6 years old - something that was own a decision of my own, that my folks were willing to pay for. I sometimes wonder where that little girl's enthusiasm went as I got older.

However, by the time I was 15, I was harbouring some negativity regarding my own musical abilities. I felt that I was not talented in the slightest when comparing myself to other students. I didn't have the support I needed/wanted in order to be a musician. Learning the piano was fine, "but you can't make it a career", I was told. I had the "passion but not the discipline", I was told. "You're not working hard enough/being lazy", I was told. And here I thought, that I was trying my best.

Somewhere along the way, those outside words turned into a nasty voice in my head that almost seemed to enjoy torturing me.

When I was about 19/20, I flunked my Grade 8 twice. Boy, was it like a shot to the heart. I had still tried my best, practiced even while I cried. "Look it's fine, you can't make a living as a musician anyways, so it doesn't matter if you never finish it", I was told. That was when it started to get difficult to listen to classical music. I felt like such a disappointment for not being able to pass the damn exam. I ended up associating classical pieces to my piano-studying years, making it sting to listen to them. I focused a lot more on the other genres I had loved: hard rock and heavy metal.

I still loved music, but it was becoming a love-hate relationship to me. I still tried to perform live, I still tried to make music. However, it felt like every time I started to work on a performance or original song, that voice in my head would start up again, yelling at me that it was useless what I was trying to accomplish. It felt like everytime I tried to beat that voice, it would come back bigger and badder. That voice even started to attack my love for rock/metal music. There are other rock singers out there who spent more effort on their craft, "it's stupid to think you can reach even the foot of their level", said the voice.

I was in university when I first came across the boys' content; I remember there was a recorder involved (lol). It was the first time in a long time that I could listen to classical music and not feel like crap. They re-introduced Mendelssohn's Violin Concerto to me (I had first heard it at 16). Through their videos, I didn't feel like a disappointment. They were like two big brothers who said, "you're no disappointment, here's your classical music back". Their content made me realize that there were so many other musicians out there who felt what I felt; I was not alone.

I had a utterly horrible end of 2022; so much stuff rained down upon me. I had had dark thoughts creep into my head before, but this time, the darkness felt too heavy. I'd go to asleep, half-hoping I wouldn't wake up just so the pain would stop. Then, their 4 mil subscribers concert happened. Hearing that opening to Mendy's VC again - it threw a life raft to me. That piece made me stay and reminded me that life was still magical. Sure, those dark thoughts would pop up every now and then, but I tried my best to remember that I could always turn to the light of music.

I recently turned 28 (was surprised that I managed to avoid the 27 Club). 2024 was not a good year again. I think my last straw was when I had a shitty date with a musician who called me a disappointment due to my lack of a music education. I remember when I got home and opened up YouTube, one of their videos was at the front page, and so I ended up in a bingefest. I laughed, felt a little healed, and then I got to thinking: "Wait, what's stopping me from attempting Grade 8 again? From recording an album that I've dreamt about for years? It shouldn't even matter if I'm reaching my 30s, right?".

I ordered the necessary books, and the next thing I knew, I was being offered a new substitute teaching job - teaching music in 2025! Do I need more signs from the universe that music was truly a part of me??

Sure, just after that, The Great TwoSet Video Purge happened (lol), but my determination hasn't wavered. They still gave me the confidence I needed. Perhaps, I needed the wait this long before doing this because now was the right time.

The boys reminded me that music wasn't something you ran from, it was something you run to when things were getting black. I've learned that it's totally okay to be ordinary. As long as you had your musical passion, you should just fugue-ing go for it, and share what you got with the world.

So now, I'll work my fluffy brown ass off. I'll go practice!

Thanks a lot, lads. Whatever you move onto, you will be magical.