#and while i was never envious of how finn looked i was both envious

[mcytblrconfessions]

out of all ways to find out i'm trans, it was aldogeo who made me realize it </3 suddenly i understand what so many people were refering to when saying "gender envy" over and over again back in 2021. and the thing is, he doesnt look like some androgynous elf or whatever at all, i think its the fact that he looks so… like some guy?? that makes me have "gender envy"??? i could see him taking the bus or on the way to class in my uni, or at the hospital or at the store. he really is just some guy, and i wanna be some sort of guy too…

that's wonderful anon

[omg-im-such-a-masochist]

SECOND CHANCE

Prompt: Just some good old fluff with Finny boy

Word Count: Long, bitch! So fucking long

Pairings: Finn Bálor x Reader

Warnings: Angst, fluff, smut (implied)

Editor: @thenightmareismyreality

Tag: @theworldofotps , @new-zealand-chic , @sassymox , @waywardwrestlewritingwaif , @yungbludjazz360 , @starwithaheart

Notes: Found this in an old file (wrote this about two years ago, maybe?) But I kinda like this little story ❤️ If you’d like to check out my previous works, you can find them on my Masterlist 😉

A deep sigh of relief left my lips as I brushed my damp hair. I heard a commotion in the living room, and began to dread the potential fight I would have to break up between a four and six year-old over a remote control.

“Mommy, mommy, mommy!” Caleb screamed in excitement, while bursting through my bedroom door like a maniac

“You’ll never believe who’s downstairs with us” He jumped with a cheeky smile

“Cal, who’s downstairs?” I ask worryingly, instinctively reaching for the gun that I kept in my nightstand

Caleb laughed and ran downstairs again.

As a homicide detective, my cop instincts combined with my motherly instincts took over me and I ran to the living room in only a tank top and panties, with my gun already aimed to shoot.

Although, the last person I thought I would see standing there, braiding my daughter Maeve’s hair in a style reminiscent of queen Elsa, and watching Caleb showing off his somersault technique was HIM…

That caught me off guard and he must have sensed it, because the first thing he did was look up.

“Hi” He said shyly

“What are you doing here, Finn?” I asked, putting my gun down on the dinner table

“I swear I didn’t break in” He laughed, attempting a joke

“What do you want?” I decided to ignore the small talk...there was no need for that, not after everything he did

“I have an injury. So I have some time off for a while and I wanted to stop by to see the kids and you” He whispered the last part

“Injury, huh? Is it bad?”

Even after everything he did, I couldn’t help but worry about his well being, you know, for the kids sake!...

Ok fine, I still love him, but he doesn’t need to know that.

“No, nothing serious. But I got two months off and I was excited to see my family” He looked at me when he said that

“Are you going to see your parents?”

“Yeah and I was thinking if it would be ok with you if I take the kids with me?”

“Of course! Why would I mind?”

His family was always very loving and kind to me, and we became very close once the kids were born. Sometimes I would take them to Ireland on my vacation so they could see their grandparents or they would travel to New York so they could see the kids.

“Because of...you know” He trailed off

“Neither your family or the kids have anything to do with that. I’m a grown woman, Finn. I know how to separate the sheep from the goat, ok?!”

I could feel the air becoming thicker with the tension, until Maeve said

“Mommy, why aren’t you wearing any pants? Are you feeling hot? I can get you the Japanese hand fan daddy gave it to me, if you’d like” She smiled

“Thank you buttercup, but that won’t be necessary. I’ll be right back”

......................................................................

Now, properly dressed, I made my way towards the kitchen to get dinner ready.

“Do you need any help?” Finn asked from behind me

“No, thank you. You can go stay with the kids” I didn’t even bother to turn around to face him

“Y/N, can we talk?”

I sighed “There’s nothing worth talking about, Finn”

“Please?”

“What can you possibly say that will change what happened? Nothing! It will be a bunch of empty sorry’s and excuses, so let’s just save it, ok?!”

“It’s not empty, I truly am sorry”

“You should’ve thought that before you believed the bunch of lies she told you”

He opened his mouth to say something but Caleb began calling for him to go watch the cartoons with them.

......................................................................

“Mommy, can daddy have dinner with us?” Maeve asked

“Of course, pumpkin. If he would like to”

“Yay” She screams “Daddy, come!” She beckoned him

The subjects of conversation at dinner were mostly controlled by the kids. They, as per usual, asked me how many bad people I had taken down that day, but also asked Finn about his traveling, which state or city he liked the most, the best foods he’d eaten, which LEGO set was he building, if the hotel beds were soft and ‘what about the blankets?’

“Alright, I know you two are very excited to see daddy, but we need to brush those teeth! So, let’s go kiddos” I got up from my chair

“I’ll do it” He grabbed both kids, resting one on each side of his hip and went up to brush their teeth

When he came back down alone, I give him a questioning look

“They’re asleep” He smiled softly

“Oh, you already put them down for bed?! Thank you” I said, cleaning the kitchen island.

He nodded “I just didn’t bathe them because they said you already did”

“Yeah, that’s the first thing I do when I get home. Or my mom does it for me if I get caught up in a case, but most of the time I do it”

“How’s work?” He asked, sitting down on one of the high benches.

“Good, Richard is my superior again, so he helps me a lot with my shifts, because of the kids” I smiled

“The old man is still working?” He laughed, amused

“Yeah, he already said he will only leave his badge when he’s dead” I cackled “How’s road life? Amazing, I presume”

“Nah, don’t let the bright lights fool ya” He laughed, bitterly “I love wrestling, being in the ring, performing for the audience, but once I pass through the curtains backstage it gets lonely” A little bit of sadness could be heard in his voice “It’s very lonely... it’s different from when I came back home to you and the kids. Now I just get back to an empty apartment, wishing I could get back home” He looks at me

“Finn, please”

“I love you! Why can’t we just try again?”

“Because no!”

“Why?” He pleaded

“Because you don’t know what it was like ok?! You don’t know how much it hurt me, the things you said, the fact that you believed some envious woman’s gossip about me having an affair with Lucas! He’s married for fuck’s sake! To a man!”

“I- I didn’t knew Lucas was gay, Y/N”

“Yeah, you didn’t! And why is that? Oh yeah, because you did not trust your own wife, all you saw was the fact that he is a man and my work partner so you just bought the assumption that woman sold you, choosing to believe her instead of me!”

“It wasn’t like that, ok?” He tried to explain

“It wasn’t like that, you say? When you were the one who came in here filled with accusations! Saying that I had an affair with him, that I cheated on you, that you wished you would’ve slept with half of the women who throw themselves at you everyday, doubting that those kids upstairs are yours, when they’re the fucking spitting image of you! You said all those horrible things, Finn. Not me!”

He stared at his knuckles as I continued, now crying

“How do you think that made me feel? To listen from my own husband how much he wished he had cheated on me. Bragging about all of the hot young women who are waiting to be fucked by a wrestler...You know it was always hard for me to accept that you wanted me and not some hot girl in the locker room, that you had chosen me, that I got lucky enough to not only marry a man who’s physically breathtaking but also such a beautiful person on the inside. And still, it was that same Prince Charming who became the frog! I never thought that” I had to stop myself from saying the next horrible words roaming through my mind

“You never thought that, what, Y/N?”

I shook my head

“Say it”

I shook my head again and he got up from the bench, coming to where I was standing

“Say it, love. I can take it”

“I don’t want to say it” I whispered as more tears rolled down my cheeks

“Shhh, it’s ok, love” Finn pulled my head to his chest “Please don’t cry, I hate when you cry” His arms are tightly locked around me, providing me the sense of comfort that only he could give. And I hated that!

“Let me go” I tried to push him away

“What’s wrong, Y/N?”

“Just don’t touch me” I said, shoving him away

He knew that I was closing him off, I could see it in his eyes

“Say it! You never thought that what?” He insisted, more forcefully this time

“I never thought that someday I would regret meeting you! Marrying you, starting a family with you. If I could do it all again, I wouldn’t!” I spat

“You wouldn’t?” He scooted closer

“No” I answered with venom in my voice, trying to turn my undying love for him into hatred

“But I would!” Finn said firmly

I shook my head in denial, as he cupped my cheeks in his calloused hands, making me look up to meet his blue eyes

“I would do it, all over again. Meeting you, dating you, marrying you, having kids with you, in the future seeing the kids graduate high school, college, be at their wedding, take our future grandkids to the park, and spend the rest of my life with you! I would choose you over and over and over again! I choose you everyday, Y/N”

I squeezed my eyes shut

“You’re lying! Stop lying, Finn” I whispered

“Am I though? Open your eyes and look at me. I was never able to hide ANYTHING from you, I can lie to anyone but you. You can always see through me, so just look at me and tell me if I’m lying. If I am, then I promise you, I’ll leave this house right now and you’ll never have to see me again! Just open your eyes” He kissed each closed eyelid

After a few minutes, I gathered the courage to finally look at him and I could only see love, regret, pain and truth.

“I love you Y/N and always will. Yes, I was dumb to listen to some random gossip and I’m paying the price for it, but the only thing I ask you is: please, don’t give up on us! I’ll give you whatever time you need, just promise me that we’ll fix it. That we’ll be together again...You, Caleb and Maeve are my life! I would die to save you in a blink, love. If I had to choose between your life or mine I would choose yours, becau-“

I placed two fingers on his lips

“Stop talking like that! You know I don’t like it. It attracts those bad vibes, you know?”

Finn lightly chuckled “But I mean it”

“Stop! I don’t like when you talk like that... I hate to think that something bad could ever happen to you. You know, because of the kids” I tried to hide my feelings

“And you wouldn’t miss me, not even a little bit?” He teased

“I miss you everyday” I quickly slapped a hand over my mouth when I realized what I just said

He smiled sweetly, leaning down to place sweet and innocent pecks all over my face.

Finn started on my forehead, then he went to my temples, followed by the cheekbones, apple’s of the cheek, jaw, chin, side of my lips. Finn pulled back to search for any resistance signs and when he found none, he kissed my lips. A lazy kiss, that grew more urgent by the minute.

“Fuck, I missed you so much” He moaned, now kissing my neck

“Finn, wait. Wait a minute” I tried to pull his head back by his hair but that only made him moan.

“Finn!” I said harshly, finally having his attention

“What’s wrong, love? Don’t you want it? I thought that-“

“Have you seen anyone since we broke up?” I asked, not even letting him finish his sentence

“We didn’t break up! You asked me for some time and-“

“Finn, just answer the fucking question please” I pleaded

“No, I haven’t been with anyone in those 8 months. Except for my hand when I look at your pictures” He smirked

“You’re so ridiculous” I whispered in relief as my arms circled his waist

“So...do you still want to make love?” He eagerly asked

“We never made love, Finny. We’ve always fucked senseless” I laughed

“No! We’ve always made love it’s just that we’re more frantic about it” He chuckled

“Ok, we sleep together and then what?” I asked

“Then you stay here and I go back to my apartment” He simply said

My heart sunk in my chest as a faint “Oh, ok” left my lips

“So I can pack my clothes and bring them back home” He said, as a devilish smile grew on his face “That’s of course, if you want me here”

“Asshole” I lightly punched his chest “I thought you just wanted a one night stand and that’s it. You scared me!”

Finn chuckled, beckoning me closer to him

“You could never be just a one night stand, love. You fuck too good to be just a one time thing” He winked

“So you just want me for my bedroom skills, huh?” I teased

“Yes and no” He giggled “Yes, because no other woman fucks like you do” He bit my neck, growling “And no, because there’s so much more about you than the bedroom” He hugged my waist “You’re my best friend, my nurturer, my supporter, the air that keeps me alive, my everything!” He kissed me passionately

“Can we try again? Start over and leave all that shit behind us?” He whispered

“If you promise me that if we get back together, you won’t listen to other people’s gossip and will come to me whenever you hear somethi-“

“Yes!” He pecked my lips excitedly, as a wide smile took over his face “I promise you, love! That’ll never happen again, you have my word!” He gave me a bear hug and spun me around the kitchen

“Finn!” I squealed, when we almost fell to the ground “We’re going to wake up the kids” I giggled

“Oh no, shhhh” He shut me up with a kiss “We can’t let that happen! Because as much as I love our children, I haven’t gotten any in eight months and I can’t wait to change that with you right now” He pushed us towards the couch and laid on top of me

“But I thought you were going to go and get your clothes”

“I don’t need clothes, woman! You know I like to sleep naked” He winked

And roamed his head down to...

Please, if you’re comfortable with it, let me know your thoughts on this? Feedbacks are always appreciated 🥰😘

[inloveoknutzy]

Blue Eyes

this was my secret santa gift to subito-fulget. thank you @jacklighting for organising the secret santa in the discord chat!! it was so much fun to do

this is some coops pining and fluff - credit as always for coops goes to @lumosinlove 🥰 happy holidays

this can also be found on my ao3 along with my other longer fics <3

Perfect, absolutely perfect. Remus thought as the team all stood on the side of a dark road, the bus having just broken down. They were making good time, on their way to the fourth game of the season, but they just had to choose the hotel furthest away from the airport. Fortunately, they were all dressed for warmth but that didn’t stop a cold chill running down Remus��� spine as he shuffled on the spot, arms wrapped around himself. They were waiting on a replacement bus, van, anything to get them anywhere, but given the forecasted snowstorm, they weren’t having much luck.

Logan stood next to Dumo, their heads knocked together as they talked quietly, while Finn was in a similar state to Remus, looking around as he rubbed his arms, sucking in a breath. “We should all huddle for warmth,” Finn suggested, and Leo was the first to nod quickly, shuffling over and leaning into Finn.

Others joined the group, while Remus glanced over at Sirius who stood alone, looking down. Remus would have given anything to know what he was thinking right then, eyes casted downward, black curls sticking out of the cap he was wearing (that really should’ve been a beanie), wet from where the snow had formed to water. He watched as a puff of air blew out of his mouth, visible from how cold it was; Remus found himself struck with an unexplainable desire to be in that breath’s path. Being close enough to feel the warmth radiating from him, enveloping and dizzying him. Maybe he would crack a joke and Sirius would laugh, eyes bright and grin wide. Maybe then he’d shake his head fondly and lean in close enough for their lips to touch-

“Earth to Loops,” Coach called, bringing him out of his thoughts. He hummed in acknowledgement as Coach waved his phone, “rescue bus will be here any minute.”

Remus nodded, then tried rubbing his hands together in hopes of warming them up, but it was to no avail. He was bloody freezing. He walked over and playfully shouldered Sirius, who seemed lost in his head. “You alright?”

It was when Sirius turned to face him that Remus realised how close they were standing, their faces even closer. Sirius looked into his eyes and Remus was captivated, unable to look anywhere else. He asked again, slower this time, “you okay, Cap?”

“Hm? Oh- yeah…” Sirius said quietly, turning to look back down at the ground. It felt like that one word didn’t even scratch the surface of the vastness of Sirius’ thoughts, but Remus didn’t dare press further. If only.

Remus nodded and looked ahead, forlornly at the poor broken down bus, most likely going to be many feet under snow by the morning. Being stood next to Sirius, starting the world’s most awkward and stilted conversation in the history of conversations, Remus was very much envious of the bus. Many feet under snow seemed like a better alternative to the silence that stretched between the two, thicker than the fluffy whiteness beneath them.

“And you?” Remus blinked, turning again to catch Sirius’ blue eyes once more. “How are you?” Sirius asked.

“Blue.”

Oh god.

“Blue?” Sirius pressed his lips together, trying not to laugh. Remus was thankful for the excuse of the cold weather for his rosy cheeks, though something told him Sirius was already aware of the things he did to him.

“Um- yeah. No- I just meant-uh-” Remus stumbled over his words, frustrated that Sirius always flustered him. If he wasn’t rendered speechless by his lack of a filter, then he certainly was after the corners of Sirius’ mouth turned up into a smile, eyes crinkling slightly. Remus felt compelled to poke the little dimples in his cheeks but chose instead to keep his hands in his pockets.

“You just meant…” Sirius prompted, smile growing wider. Remus couldn’t find any words, entranced by the sweet expression on the man’s face. Sirius huffed a laugh, and after a moment of silence, said very gently, “you know, I quite like your eyes too.”

Oh. Oh my. Remus had no idea what to say to that, taken aback completely. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but was interrupted by the loud beep beep of a bus as it pulled into the road beside them, everyone cheering.

“I-um. I guess I’ll see you later then?” Sirius asked as they walked over to the bus. He didn’t break eye contact with Remus, who in turn was struggling to maintain Sirius’ unwavering gaze.

Remus nodded, “yeah I’ll see you ar-ah!” He slipped, legs swinging out in front of him. He screwed his eyes shut, bracing for impact, but it never came. No, instead, he fell into the very strong arms of one Sirius Black, who looked down at him seemingly very amused about the whole situation.

Remus looked up at him, eyes wide. He racked his brain, begged it to come up with some kind of response to the most embarrassing predicament he could find himself in. But naturally, all he could think of to say was,

“Oh.”

Great. So smart. Just a brilliant response.

Remus would have been more embarrassed about his reply, or lack thereof, had it not been for the way Sirius’ face lit up, hand instinctively gripping a little tighter on his arm.

“Have a nice trip?” he quipped, and Remus rolled his eyes as he was brought back up on his feet.

“Thanks,” he said, and Sirius just nodded, still smiling. He made his way to the open door of the bus, where everyone else was already piled in. There were two rows of seats, facing each other. Everyone had taken up the rest of the seats, bar for two.

“After you.” Remus offered, and Sirius grinned, nodding his thanks. Though, he paused when he climbed in, turning back to face Remus. He held out his hand for Remus to take, then pulled him up into the bus.

Remus, still thrown off balance from the trip just moments ago, tumbled into the seat beside Sirius, one leg on top of his lap. He yelped and removed his leg, eyes determinedly looking down when Dumo raised an eyebrow at the pair of them.

“I’d settle in, it’s gonna be a long ride.” The driver called from the front seat, much to the chagrin of Remus. He wasn’t sure how he was going to survive this journey.

Pretty much everyone else on the bus seemed to be varying degrees of tired. The one commonality lay that they were all on the verge of, if not already, falling asleep.

Remus bounced his legs up and down, trying his best to keep warm, but next to him, Sirius sighed and put a hand on Remus’ knee, with a quiet mumble of, “stop that.”

“Shit sorry.” Remus apologised, but when Sirius turned to look at him, he didn’t seem annoyed. In fact he seemed more solemn. Contemplative. He felt exposed, under Sirius’ gaze, like he just ripped Remus’ chest apart and pulled out his beating heart. It’s his, anyway.

Neither of them looked away from each other, in fear of losing whatever moment this was. Pulling them. Reeling in, drawn closer and closer and closer- a bump in the road broke whatever silent conversation they were having, leaving both parties to look away.

Sirius let his head fall back against the wall behind them, closing his eyes. Remus wished he could relax right now but it was proving to be very difficult given Sirius’ hand was still resting on his knee. The ever-so-casual touch bleeding into his skin. He wanted to be surrounded by that feeling, be surrounded by Sirius. Not suffocating or claustrophobic, just there. Present. It felt like so much of Remus’ life was spent clinging so desperately onto things he knew he needed to let go of.

He didn’t want to let go of this.

Something told Remus he wouldn’t have to.

If only he could express how he felt. All of the words were on the tip of his tongue, on his lips, and in his head, stood at the edge of a cliff waiting for Sirius to join him. The wind was cold and biting on his skin, looking down at the never-ending blue beneath this cliff. Crashing waves and dark rocks. Just jump. Do it. It’s scary but he wouldn’t want to do it with anyone else. And that thought is scary in and of itself.

Just jump.

Into the blue.

Sirius was asleep now. Remus was convinced he was the only one awake on the bus. He was about to pull out his phone when he felt a warmth on his shoulder, something tickling at his neck. He frowned and craned his head, gasping a little when he saw a head of black hair resting on his shoulder.

He didn’t move a muscle, didn’t want this moment to end. But he was conscious that Sirius’ neck was going to kill after this. And technically, it was his responsibility as the team’s PT to eliminate any unnecessary pain or cramps. He turned very carefully, slowly, sliding a hand underneath Sirius’ head, cradling it almost. He really should have thought this through, though, because he now had no clue what he was supposed to do, Sirius’ head resting in his hands.

He did what any sane person would do in his situation, and lowered his head all the way into his lap, Sirius, half-asleep, bringing his legs up underneath him and shifting around, turning his body to curl up slightly, cheek now resting on Remus’ thigh.

This certainly was going to be a long ride.

Remus thought he might as well try and get some sleep.

*****

“We’re here, boys.” Remus heard, and blinked his eyes open, looking around at everyone in a similar state to him, groggily rubbing their faces and standing up. He looked down at Sirius who was still asleep on his lap. Unsure how to go about waking him up, Remus’ hands hovered over his face.

He gently brushed the hair away to reveal Sirius’ face, so calm and peaceful asleep. He felt bad interrupting it, but everyone else was off the bus now.

“Sirius.”

“Sirius.”

He sighed, and placed a hand on his shoulder, shaking slightly. “Sirius,” he said louder, and was greeted with only a hum.

He shook him more, and Sirius jumped up suddenly, hair flat on one side, cap half fallen off his head. His eyes met Remus’.

“You fell-”

“Sorry I-”

They both laughed, and Sirius gestured for him to continue, “I-uh. You fell asleep. I didn’t want you to get a cramp in your neck.”

“Oh!” Sirius stood up, holding his hand out for Remus to take again, “thanks.”

“No problem.” Remus nodded, and they both made their way to the entrance of the little motel. He felt envious of Sirius, being able to brush off something like falling asleep on someone like he did. Maybe it just didn’t mean that much to him.

Remus took notice of the small building, and it was evident they weren’t going to make their way to their originally booked hotel. He just hoped this would do.

Coach was talking to the receptionist, while Remus walked to stand beside Dumo, who shot him a knowing look. “What?” he asked.

“Nothing,” he hummed, but his expression still didn’t let up.

“What?” Remus asked again, bordering on a whine.

“You and the Captain are getting very close, non?”

Remus blushed, “what’s that supposed to mean?”

“You tell me.”

He was about to reply, when he was interrupted by a hand on his arm. He turned and saw Sirius, smiling sheepishly.

“Hi-”

“Hey.”

“So um, there’s not many rooms left… everyone’s doubling up or in some cases tripling up. I said I’d bunk with you if that’s cool?”

Remus’ mouth went dry. Why did he pick him? Of all the people? He could only nod, and Sirius smiled brightly back at him, “great! We’re in room 54.”

“O-okay.”

Dumo snorted beside him, and Remus whacked his arm. “I’m gonna head up to the room now…” Sirius said, and Remus nodded again.

“Sure I’ll join you,” he gave Dumo a warning look as he grabbed his bags, walking down the hall with Sirius.

“There’s only one key.” Sirius explained, “I- you can have it if you want.”

“Oh that’s fine you can keep hold of it.”

Sirius huffed a laugh, looking down. Remus wanted to hear that laugh on a loop. It felt like recently Sirius had been so tense and stressed. It was refreshing seeing him so happy. “No I- I don’t trust myself.”

The statement hung between the two of them. As if he were standing in the middle of a tightrope, unable to decide whether he should turn around and head back or carry on walking forward, balancing. It felt like Sirius just said everything and nothing at all. The simultaneous weight of insinuation and emptiness of such a throwaway comment leaving Remus unsure of where he stood with Sirius. Surely friends didn’t speak like this?

“Well I’ll take it,” he said gently, taking the key from Sirius, the electricity of their hands brushing jolting through his arm, warming him in the otherwise freezing motel.

He unlocked the door and they both walked through, stopping at the same time in front of the one bed that took up the entirety of the room.

“What kind of shitty fanfiction is this?” Sirius mumbled, sighing as he dropped his bags on the bed.

“And what would you know about fanfiction?” Remus asked, quirking an eyebrow as Sirius grinned,

“Wouldn’t you love to know.”

Remus had no idea how to respond to that. So, he instead chose to join Sirius in dropping his bags.

“I can sleep on the floor.” Sirius offered, and Remus could only laugh as he looked around at the room, the only bit of floor being what they were standing on, just enough for the door to swing open.

“What floor?”

Sirius laughed too, “good point.”

Their laughter died down, and they were once again left in just each other’s company. Both avoiding the elephant, or rather, bed, in the room. “So…”

“So…” Sirius trailed off, “I can run back down and see if there’s any other rooms,” he suggested.

“Didn’t you say all the rooms were gone?”

“Yeah…”

Silence. Again.

“It’s not so bad. The bed could be smaller.” Remus reasoned, shrugging. “I-I’m fine with it if you are. As long as you don’t snore,” he attempted to make light of the situation.

“I don’t snore!”

“Guess we’ll see then.” Remus grinned, opening the zip on his bag.

*****

Sirius didn’t snore. But he also didn’t seem to fall asleep very quickly. Remus kept his eyes trained on the ceiling; hoping, praying that maybe Sirius would say something, anything. Sirius most likely was not thinking the same things. He kept huffing and sighing, shifting around from one side to another on the small bed.

“Can’t sleep?” Remus broke the silence, turning to face Sirius. He looked adorable, the light from the window (with no curtains) catching his eyes, though Remus thought Sirius didn’t need light for his eyes to sparkle. He was always the one to bring the light into every situation. Bring the light into his life. Light that he didn’t know he needed, but now he got a glimpse, never wanted to go without.

“I think the nap on the bus probably wasn’t the best idea.” Sirius smiled a little, facing Remus now. His cheek was squished up against the pillow, black curls covering his forehead. Remus felt compelled to reach forward and brush them away, so he could get lost in the blue of his eyes once more, but instead kept his hands by his sides.

“Probably not.” Remus said quietly, now conscious of his breathing as their faces were yet again in very close proximity. He focused all of his thoughts onto keeping his blush at bay, but there was no use.

“You want to know what I do to get myself to sleep?” Sirius asked, and at the other’s nod continued, “well, I— hey,” he said gently when Remus looked down.

Suddenly, his head was being tilted back up, a hand on his cheek. At Remus’ questioning look, Sirius very simply said, “I can’t see your face when you do that.”

“Oh.” Remus so eloquently responded, mind reeling at Sirius’ hand on his cheek, the touch both overwhelming yet not enough. He leaned into it, closing his eyes.

“Hey!” Sirius said again, smiling when Remus opened his eyes. “Can’t see your eyes when you do that, either.”

Remus must have been dreaming. That was the only logical explanation he could think of for what was happening. He watched as Sirius’ smile grew wider. “Why do you always look so surprised, Rem?”

His eyes widened slightly at the nickname. If his cheeks weren’t bright red already they certainly were after that. “I- I don’t know. Nervous I guess.”

“About what?” Sirius asked, and Remus’ face dropped a little. Was Sirius not aware of the things he did to him? Surely? He took a leap, jumped off the edge of the cliff, hoping to be engulfed in the deep sea of blue. Hoping to finally breathe.

“Do you not know how you make me feel?” Remus asked, trying hard to swallow down his heart that now felt like it had leapt up into his throat.

Sirius exhaled shakily, “no,” he whispered, hand still on his cheek. Remus could feel Sirius trembling. Or maybe that was just him. At this point he couldn’t tell. All he kept thinking of was Sirius, Sirius, Sirius, blue eyes, Sirius...

“Well.” Remus gulped, eyes never leaving Sirius’. He felt like he could write essays upon essays, sonnets upon sonnets, on Sirius’ deep blue eyes. He couldn’t stop thinking about them. Wondering. Does Sirius look at him with the same affection he did?

“Do you want to know what helps me get to sleep?” Remus asked.

Sirius nodded, and Remus took a breath. Now wasn’t the time to back down. Emboldened by the hand that was still on his cheek, Remus continued, “well I- I like to think of scenarios. Little scenes that I make up in my head- of um- of things I wish would happen.”

“I thought I was the one who liked fanfiction?”

“So you admit it!” Remus smiled, nervous energy dissipating, “you do read fanfiction.”

Sirius laughed, “you’re avoiding the subject,” he said, cheeks tinged a light pink. Remus felt reassured he wasn’t the only one.

“Fine,” Remus continued, “the, um, the difference between the- uh- the fanfiction thing and me is that… I picture most of mine happening in real life—”

Sirius’ thumb softly stroking Remus’ cheekbone threw him off his rhythm. Sirius prompted him, “and…?”

“And- uh- most of them are… with you.”

Sirius went silent, and Remus shut his eyes, in fear that he had misread the situation entirely.

After what felt like hours, but was probably only a minute at most passed, Remus opened his eyes to find Sirius staring right back at him, lips forming the shape of an ‘O’. He blinked, almost deciding something in his head, his right hand then being brought up to meet the left, now cupping both of Remus’ cheeks.

“Can I kiss you?” Sirius asked, and Remus nodded quickly, leaning forward to meet his lips.

The daydreams didn’t hold a candle to the incredible feeling of Sirius kissing him. Face cradled in his hands, lips brushing against his, Remus finally jumped off the cliff. Finally crashed into the deep blue water, feeling like he just took a breath for the first time, surrounded by Sirius. He couldn’t think of anything else, his hands lifted to bury in his thick black hair, so fluffy and soft underneath his fingertips. One moment it felt like everything was in slow motion, then the next, it felt like someone had pressed fast forward. It was all too much and not enough at the same time.

Sirius pulled away first, breathing quickly. He looked into Remus’ eyes, lips turning up into a shy smile, one he had never seen before. He felt special. Only he got the privilege to see this side of Sirius.

“How did that live up to your fanfictions?” Sirius asked, breathless.

Remus laughed loudly, unexpectedly, covering his face with his hands. “I said they weren’t fanfictions.”

“Ohh sorry. What do you call it, headcanons?”

“Please shut up.” Remus couldn’t stop laughing.

“Gladly,” Sirius grinned, leaning back in to kiss him again.

Remus wasn’t sure where this was going, but for once in his life, he wasn’t afraid of that. He didn't need to worry about what else was going to happen, because he now had Sirius by his side. And as long as he had Sirius with him, he felt like he could do anything.

[livlepretre]

Hey so this is something I meant to ask a while ago, but I totally forgot about it until like five minutes ago. A few chapters ago, Klaus told Elena he hadn’t slept with anyone in years. Is this a head canon you have about Klaus? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought I remembered you saying you thought he would have been sexually reckless in his very early vampire years. If you do think he’s been celibate more recently, is this because he was kind of a paranoid reclusive for a while there? I feel like what I’m asking has different responses based on which universe we are speaking about—whether that be canon, FE canon, or SWBS canon. Cuz like I could see you needing to add that in there so there’s no possibility Klaus has gotten other women pregnant recently in the SWBS narrative. Long story short, I guess I just want to know if there was a reason for this specific line and how you head canon Klaus’s sex life has been over the course of a thousand years.

oh my God YESSSS I love this ask haha

I think that Klaus lost his virginity to Tatia Petrova, and she was the only woman he ever slept with as a human. (She was also sleeping with Elijah, but I do think she was in love with both of them but Elijah was the one who offered that shot at getting married/having a better life, and Tatia was enough of a realist to try-- unsuccessfully-- to break it off with Klaus, but that’s a whole other headcanon.) 

Her death fucked him up pretty much permanently. I think his whole “love is a vampire’s greatest weakness” thing is a result of this tragedy-- this was him turning his heart to stone after having it utterly broken. And of course... also turning his heart to stone in the wake of not even knowing how Tatia felt about him in the end-- was she using him? Stringing him along? Did she really love him back? He’ll never know, because his parents murdered her in the most gruesome and terrifying way possible. 

This doesn’t mean he doesn’t indulge his appetites though. He and his siblings quickly descend into lusts of every sort-- their bloodlust and their sexual appetites intermingle, get confused-- Klaus dabbles with women, playing games with consent and seduction using compulsion, egged on by Kol, and even Elijah, and egging them on in turn. His lovers are often his victims, especially in those early days, when he had less control over his appetites and left a lot more bodies in his wake. It wouldn’t be very long before the list included men as well as women, and those early years would have been almost like a kind of frenzy-- a savagery fueled by the madness of the curse, the fact that their lives had been ripped apart by their parents whom they should have been able to trust, by the dark maw of his grief. 

I think he and Rebekah would have become lovers sometime around 10, 20 years into being vampires-- the subtext of the show supports their incest-- they’re just too weird together!-- and I headcanon that he would have been the one to take her virginity. It would have to be far enough into their curse that by then all of the social mores prohibiting various cruelties and abominations like sibling incest would have been stripped from them-- they were already delighting in murder, torture, rape, etc by then for some time, slaves to their own damnations-- but soon enough after the turn that Rebekah wouldn’t have fallen in love with someone/had the opportunity to have a lover. I could see this being something that would spur Klaus’s possessiveness-- and he’s very possessive of Rebekah. I don’t even see it as romantic in any way-- I think sex for Klaus is largely a mechanism of control and dominance, and he exerts it over Rebekah, his favorite sibling, his pet, the very most. Any hint that she’s going to stray from him, or give her heart, loyalties, and affection elsewhere, and he uses his sexual hold on her to keep her there, and kills the lover for good measure. (Why just Rebekah? Because I don’t actually think the incest extends elsewhere... except maaaybbeee Kol/Rebekah... well, because 1) she’s the only girl and Klaus is definitely misogynistic enough to view this as a weakness or something he can control 2) she’s younger, and her personality is easier to control than Kol, who is a wild child and bucks authority on top of being as suspicious and paranoid as Klaus, or Elijah, who is Klaus’s equal and whose wrath Klaus is always always wary of.) 

So, for a very long time, I think that Klaus sleeps around in a casually vicious way, with Rebekah as his only long-term, on again-off again lover (although, there are probably some mistresses here and there, and probably some witches too, who might last a bit longer, or who might make it out alive), until we get to Katerina. 

Katerina. The woman with Tatia’s face. A duplicate, body and soul. She’s the greatest danger Klaus has faced since his turning, because she’s the one girl his heart might be vulnerable to. So he shores himself up even more. Strengthens that wall of stone around his heart, and keeps himself cold to her. He can’t resist taking her as his lover, of course, or keeping her as his mistress while he gathers the resources necessary to sacrifice her. But all the while, even while he has her in his bed every night, even as he’s plotting her murder, he’s seething with fury and jealousy. He’s envious of Elijah, who falls in love with her, plain and simple; envious of Trevor, even, for the same reason... because she is the one woman he wants, but he’s also too selfish to ever contemplate doing anything other than murdering her for the sake of obtaining his power, so she is also the one woman he cannot have. And he cannot ever allow himself to love her, because he will definitely kill her. And he’s furious when Elijah comes up with a plan to save her, because Klaus is also afraid of Katerina. Afraid of that possibility that if he falls in love, it will be a weakness, just like his love for Tatia was a grave weakness. The thing that was his undoing oh so long ago. 

Of course, Katerina runs, and Klaus feels this proves him absolutely right about her. 

A few more centuries pass. I think with time we see his bloodlust slaked, and more and more of his bedmates survive the encounters. He grows bored, and restless. There’s no more hope for ever breaking the curse, and so his life feels very static. He has nothing to look forward to specifically. He takes lovers here and there, and he falls in and out of Rebekah’s bed, but nothing touches that stone heart of his. 

This changes pretty significantly in the 20s. By then he’s suffered a harrowing blow. The family is broken apart, and it’s just him and Rebekah-- really just him and Rebekah, indefinitely-- for the first time he can ever recall. 

This is when Stefan joins the picture... Stefan, whom Rebekah adores, but who can be something different than every other lover Rebekah has had-- he can be that missing brother for Klaus-- who is looking for someone to fill the void now that Elijah (and Kol, and Marcel, but honestly not Finn because he’s been daggered for eight centuries) is gone. And because Klaus’s ideas about sex and power and sibling love are all screwed up, and because Stefan is charming and handsome and fun, Rebekah and Stefan’s affair quickly becomes Rebekah and Stefan and Klaus’s affair-- the three of them all tangled up together. And it’s precarious but Rebekah will take whatever she can have and Klaus is greedy for emotional fulfillment and Stefan is high all the time and having a great time having great sex so he doesn’t take any of it as seriously as he definitely should. 

Then of course there is the separation. 

I think during this long time period Klaus probably continues his pattern of casual sexual flings, but I doubt he really gets close to anyone. In fact, other than Rebekah or Katerina, I have the feeling that Stefan is the only other person he was sexually involved with that he really cared about. That’s why he wanted him back in 2010 when he ran into him again and the timing seemed right. 

I guess this now gets into the present-- my feeling isn’t so much that Klaus has been celibate as a matter of choice or paranoia or anything (although, he is paranoid, which is why he hasn’t fallen in love again in a thousand years), just that he is simply so old that years might pass between flings and he doesn’t really notice. It doesn’t seem like that long for him necessarily-- years can feel like weeks at this point-- and he’s grown pickier as he’s gotten older-- someone has to interest him for him to pursue, and it takes more and more to interest him now than it did before. 

Like, the show does suggest to me that Klaus may have been sleeping with Greta Martin, and that would fall directly in line with his MO-- we’ve seen him sleep with witches before, and we know that power does interest him. He’s not exactly upset by her death though, even though he seemed to like her-- also in line with how he refuses to become emotionally invested in his lovers. 

I do think though that he was sleeping with Stefan in that summer they spent together-- again, Stefan is an exception to the rule, although he’s not in love with Stefan-- Stefan slides into that weird Klaus category of “brother,” which is a gray area muddled in with lover for him-- essentially the same place that Rebekah occupies, but without the same levels of (faint) protection that actually being Klaus’s blood sibling provides. It’s fascinating to me that Klaus would reinitiate the affair with Stefan without returning Stefan’s memories-- it implies that he wanted Stefan’s devotion pure and simple, like making him fall into his orbit again to see if it will happen again, but it also implies a selfishness and greed for Stefan’s devotion, because he wants it focused on himself and not at all to share with Rebekah. 

I’m sure there was a wild week or two where they all resumed their relationship when Rebekah was reawakened before Klaus discovered Stefan had been lying all summer about Elena. 

My last thought on all of this is to do with Klaus and Elena. I’ve pondered and pondered and pondered why Klaus would choose to kill Jenna when Elena had already promised to go along with him willingly, obviously for the sake of her loved ones, and I had to think he was angry with her and taking it out on her that he had to kill her at all-- because there was a part of Klaus that wanted her for himself, and he couldn’t have her because, once again, he’s way too selfish to ever consider doing anything other than securing his own power. 

I suppose this takes us up to the present.

I put that line in SWBS but left it intentionally easy to misconstrue-- Klaus says he hasn’t had a woman in years, which makes it clear that there’s been no one  he could have gotten pregnant, but there’s been some subtext with Stefan’s responses to Elena sleeping with Klaus that imply that he has that history with Klaus himself-- I think the only fic I have where I wrote it without assuming that Stefan and Klaus were sleeping together that summer was After the Fire, But Before the Flood, but that was only because I wrote most of it before season 3 aired/before that season 3 promo ignited the Klaus x Stefan alarm bells in my brain. So anyway, in SWBS, Klaus and Stefan have that recent sexual history, and Klaus was probably sleeping with Rebekah a bit before Mystic Falls too, but does Klaus even see her as a woman? Doubtful, honestly. There’s something else going on there. 

I’m pretty fluid though in terms of what I think Klaus’s recent sexual history is-- sometimes like in Just A Glimpse, he’s been sleeping with Greta, sometimes the affair with Rebekah and Stefan is full steam ahead like in Fairytale Ending, and sometimes it all fizzles on him like in SWBS. 

I do still think it’s hilarious and amazing that the only time Klaus canonically sleeps with someone in TVD it’s because Hayley negs him into oblivion with her (entirely fair and accurate) assessment of his artwork. 

[fan-dumb-trash]

For your consideration: Remile Friends-to-Lovers featuring highschool theater shenanigans and self growth

Part Two Sis Part Three Part Four

Remy and Emile are friends, best friends in fact, but fate has a couple tricks up her sleeve to tear them apart, only to bring them back again. 

This got longer than expected but theres more to the story after this oh yes indeed so buckle up cause part two is gonna be typed tomorrow when it isnt one in the morning so HERE YA GO @happiness-is-regret

Warnings: Divorce, parents fighting, mild panic attack, self depreciation, if there's more let me know!

So its seventh grade aka awkward central because puberty and acne and awkwardness and it's just awful all around and theres lil Remy who is NOT confident at all by anyone's standards

His parents argue a lot and he learned staying quiet is the best way not to get involved or yelled at in the crossfire so yeah

And then you got Emilie who kinda knows what's goin on but not really. He wears tie dye shirts and aviator glasses sometimes until he had to get actual frames over the summer but it was no big cause he was used to glasses anyways

But Emilie is wiser than the other kids and thinks cliques are stupid and he just loves cartoons and english okay stop teasing him for being a lil bit awkward okay STOp

But yeah he doesn't get friends easy and he tries to squirm in other friend groups but it doesn't feel right. Until Remy. Who is incredibly shy believe it or not! They have no classes together but somehow Remy mustered the courage to compliment Emilies pink hair and BOOM FRIENDSHIP

They eat lunch together. Some days it's in comfortable silence and other times its complaining about teachers or PE miles or this brat kid who vandalized a bathroom stall

And Remy starts warming up and realizing maybe the whole world isn't against him. Just because his home is a literal war zone doesn't mean being friends with Emile is doomed.

At the end of seventh grade the duos lunchtime friendship is going great! Emile is starting to get into cartoons and their convos are “OMG OKAY SO VOLTRON SEASON 2 IS OUT AND IM SCARED REMY I WANT TO CRY FOR MY SPACE CHILDREN ZARKON CAN YEET HIMSELF OFF A CLIFF AND-” “Woah their Em, slow it down sis”

As Remy gets more comfortable there is more teasing and nicknames and laughing but they dont hug and Emile isn't super affectionate but hugs are a thing for friends right???

One day on a weekend it's pretty bad for Remy at home. His parents are yelling and its loud and his breathings picking up and his eyes are shut and he's crying because is it his fault??? Why can't they stop stop stop STOP!

And he has to get out because he cant take it hearing they two people who he loves most fight with each other when they are supposed to love each other and his little brother Janus is sleeping thank god but he needs OUT right fucking now

So he hops out his window and runs. Two houses down and around the corner there's an open field that should probably have a house or a park but low income neighborhoods be like that sometimes ya know?

He runs in the field but then there's trees and a little path but wheres the end and the sun is setting now so he sits and looks at the sky and cries

Emile likes his peace and quiet. Hes and only child but his house gets cluttered with his parents (DOT AND LARRY FITE ME) and their thespian friends on the weekends especially around showtime and tec week so he walks in the field.

So when he comes across Remy he screeches and cusses and they're both apologizing and it's a mess but wait was Remy crying?!?!

So Emile is concerned and sits him back down and they talk. Remy says his parents are probably going to get a divorce and how they've been fighting and all that and Emile starts to understand why he's so sheltered

Remy's crying again so Emile asks “Hey, You can say no but can i hug you?” And Remy nods so they hug and they melt right into itm and they stay there for a while and watch the sunset.

From then on they are attached to the hip. Nothing can separate them. Emile invites Remy over for dinner and out to see his parents shows at the community theater and its fun! Remy kinda gets to be a kid and he has sas now! He sees its okay to be a bit absurd with Larry and how jokes are fine with Dot.

The boys are in the field again after dinner and Emile is talking about Dot and Larry, and Remy cant help but be envious. They're all so happy and perfect and he’ll never get that. He goes home and the glitter fades and he sleeps with music to drown out the shouting but its still there.

Remy says “I wish my parents were like yours. I wish I had that. It's not fucking fair Em”

Emile says “I wish I knew how to help… but I can't. All I can do is offer you a slice of normal and hope you aren't allergic” To which they both laugh. But the insecurity sticks. Remy wonders if he's just going to mess things up later or if him and Emile stop being friends what will happen

And it haunts him. Its summer and his parents get a divorce, but the yelling in person is replaced with battles in court and over text. He has to go to mediation a couple times and Emile is there the next day with icecream and steven universe

Emile starts to notice things. The way Remy's eyes are filled with fire as he banters with Larry or when he rants about things he's passionate about. The way he runs so fast in field like nothing can catch him not even the wind itself. The way his whole face glows when he laughs or how when it's silent with them and the sky, he closes his eyes and hums a song he doesn't know.

And he realizes he's in love and he's so scared because Remy doesn't need romance he needs stability. His world is crumbling and he needs his best friend. And Emilie hides it and surprises himself. Remy doesn't notice the way Emiles hugs last longer or the way he sighs as he walks away. He doesn't notice the stars. His mind is on other things. Remy doesn't have time to feel the same or explore feelings so he doesn't.

Eighth grade things go as normal. Emile is still hopelessly in love. Some nights he cries and some nights he thinks his feelings are finally gone. Some nights Remy sleeps over and they sneak into his moms room and but on stage makeup.

Emile almost kissed him when Remy made him a Jake and Finn card for his birthday. And it was hella cute and cheesy and had “love u babe” on the inside and “happy birthday, bitch” on it and it was classic.

But yeah he totally wasn't disappointed it wasn't Bubbline on the card what???

But then things just… stopped.

Remy stopped going to the field on weekends. He was busy when Emilie wanted to hang out. Em was worried at first that something was wrong at home and that he was lying until he saw Remy around at school with other kids. He was growing his hair out and had a leather jacket and when Emile said hi Remy smiled tight, nodded, and continued to talk to his new friends.

Then he noticed how they were the kids who liked sports or girls or always laughed loud in the cafeteria. He noticed how Remy's sass grew into straight up ego and how his confidence wasn't just with Emile it was with EVERYONE

People waved to him as he walked by. Everyone was “babe” “hun” “sweetie” and “sister” and Emilie felt less special.

And not Eighth Grade was nearly over and Emilie had lost his best friend to the rest of the world. Yes he was happy that Remy was confident and Yes he was happy he made new friends.

But back when Remy needed him, back when they dazzling smile was meant for him, back when the problems were so big you needed two people not just yourself- Emilie could hang on to Remy

But now that Remy didn't need him, he was left for trash. Emilie was heartbroken. He swore to himself he wouldn't let another boy break his heart to the point where cartoons couldn't even cheer him up. He cried when Ruby and Sapphire got married and when Bubbline kicked ass and he prayed for the day when he would have that.

Summer was torture and he never saw Remy in the field. Little did he know Remy was there, just in the trees or wandering at nights when his mom came home yelling and cussing. Emile thought the pain of the divorce was over when Remy was going to court once every 6 months and to family counseling weekly but did it help? No.

Highschool came and Remy climbed to social ladder. He hid the bags under his eyes with sunglasses and kept his pep and sass with starbucks coffee. Combat boots to make him taller.

And Emilie was still alone until Patton came along with Roman. They sat together and then Logan and Virgil joined. Sloane and Corbin who are juniors swung on by. Kai and Elliot would join them the next year and together they became the theatre troupe.

Emilie felt whole with this diverse group of many passions and interests and he couldn't help but smile more. He didn't feel so alone. But part of him still longed for that old friendship he has lost- but there was enough going on to forget it.

Emilie didn't notice Remy staring at him with his fiery eyes when his own friend group were so loud they didn't pay him mind. Remy started to see how the tie die pink haired boy grew up and moved his children with dignity and didn't take their tomfoolery. He saw how he would catch conflicts and mediate them. He saw his goofiness shine through all his actions. And he started to care for this new Emile, but also remember when it was just the two of them. New thoughts lead Remy to think it was him holding Emile back from this all along.

He began to think Emilie was better off without him dragging him down with his million problems. So he too began to embrace to noise and forget.

Next it was Sophomore year when the universe threw them back at each other...

[saidthecockroachtotheraven]

Rewatching 4x06, and...

First of all: how do I not remember this scene omg what even WAS THIS

Second of all: is Murphy really trying to repeat the mantra Luna had Raven repeat after her meltdown?

I hadn’t fully appreciated, the first time I watched this scene, just how bothered Murphy was by Raven’s words. He gives up on watching out for her, kicks the remote control car, and then has to sit somewhere by himself repeating what Luna had said to calm Raven down like he’s trying to calm his own anger and dark thoughts. But what’s really sad is that his anger isn’t directed at Raven, or even the situation that they’re in - it’s directed at himself. Luna calls out his self-loathing, and she sees through the act he puts on of being the person Raven accused him of being, because that’s what it is: an act. 

That’s not to say that Murphy has never done things out of his own self-interest, obviously, but he’s not genuinely envious of the fact that Luna might be the only one to survive the radiation either. At this point in the series, Murphy is slowly having to come to terms with the fact that he actually does give a shit about people, and he does give a shit what they think about him, which makes Raven’s words hurt a lot more than he was probably anticipating. And maybe that’s part of what he’s angry at too - that he actually cares, that he can’t even blame her for spitting venom at him because of what he did to her and the fact that she has every reason to hate him. This isn’t like when he justified murdering two people back in season one - Raven did nothing to him for him to justify his actions against her or what consequences those actions caused. 

He’d tricked himself into thinking once before that she didn’t hate him for what he did, back when she didn’t tell Abby the truth about how she got shot. He tricked himself into thinking he could be part of the group when she went out of her way to invite him into the “inner circle” to protect Finn from the grounders. He’d realized pretty quickly that Raven didn’t actually see any worth in his life, that she did blame him for her leg, that she would rather trade his life for Finn’s. (Which isn’t a judgement - Murphy hadn’t given many reasons for her to feel differently, and her injury was still very fresh so forgiveness would have been the furthest thing from her mind.) 

But then he’d left, and he’d come back and helped Clarke save the day and now he was leading them to the island where they could figure out a way to save the human race like his journey with Jaha might actually mean something in the end, and Raven still hadn’t liked him but she’d put it aside long enough to thank him for saving her on the beach. He was being included, and what Murphy seems to need most is to be needed, so being needed to get to the island, to help Raven, to watch out for her while she ran her simulations, probably made him feel good. And then Raven lashes out at him and says all the things that I think he was probably wanting to prove wrong about himself at this point, and he’s right back at square one again. 

Luna basically says that Murphy hasn’t found peace with himself, and even though he tells her that peace is overrated, it’s clear even from the most recent season that part of his struggle is figuring out who he wants to be and battling who everyone thinks he already is, and whether or not he should even try to be anyone else. Murphy was shown on the ark that playing the hero got you killed, so he played the survivor instead, but as the seasons have gone on I think he’s come to realize that he kind of likes the idea of being the good guy for a change. Being a survivor often means being alone, and as soon as he made his first real connection on the ground with Emori, I think he realized he didn’t want to be alone anymore. 

Murphy can overlook the mistakes he made when they first landed on the ground because, as he explained to Emori, it was a twisted sort of justice for an act of injustice against him. What he can’t overlook is what he did to Raven, who was only trying to help her friend and who wasn’t even there when Murphy was hung. He didn’t know that he was shooting her, and he certainly didn’t know that it would paralyze her, but he still feels guilt over it because he knows intention doesn’t erase the action, and he knows that when he shot at the ground, he didn’t really care where the bullets went. And it was that carelessness that led to Raven’s paralysis, so how do you make peace with that? No matter how much he may try to change, he can’t undo what he did to her, and it is a constant reminder to them both of the mistake he made. 

And it’s not until Murphy confesses to Luna what he did to Raven that she seems to truly understand the situation and why he’s looking to her words to find his own peace. She tries to change his perspective and offer her own observations as an outsider, but ultimately she’s not the one with the power to absolve him of his guilt. It’s enough to get him to face Raven again, though, and it’s through facing her head on and trying genuinely to help her so she’s not  alone in trying to figure out a way to save the human race that he ultimately earns her respect and forgiveness. What’s left after that is finding a way to forgive himself, but six years later we can still see that’s something he’s struggling with, and it seems like he’s decided the best way to atone for what he did is to continue providing Raven support when she’d otherwise be alone. 

[sattickate]

Heathers: The Television Pilot

So I watched the pilot for the Heathers show yesterday. It's not faithful to the original film at all. like it goes in a completely different direction - more SJW than maintaining the "status quo" like in the film, that said, I didn't hate it.

I won't be watching the rest of the series because it's not my thing. It's Heathers in concept only, not plot. It does make some references to the original (quoting famous lines, big fun is a chip brand, the new happiness posters, the original score), but it very much is a departure from the film. And it is for that reason that I can't place it on the same level as the film or even the musical. 

Though it's not outright terrible, it's not a cult classic from and set in the late 80s. This show may be "just" but it is so not "very".

(via my facebook page)

Naturally, I have a lot of opinions on Heathers, the television show. I say naturally because the film is my favourite movie of all-time. And, although I recorded a video commentary/analysis/comparison of the show in relation to the film and musical, I have no idea when I’ll get around to editing that or exactly how clear and concise my opinions will be.  So, going back to the medium at which I’m best, let me take the time to go into more detail about the show so far, my opinions on it in relation to the source material and the musical and how it would be as a stand-alone show. Future Katey coming to tell you that I did edit the video and here’s the link to watch it. 

Spoiler alert below the cut as I will be going into detail of the events of the entire pilot (as well as the film and music as a whole but if you haven’t seen those where have you been?). 

If you’d like a plot summary but don’t actually want to watch the episode.

TL;DR: below the cut, my analysis may be quite long so be prepared to read a lot.

Let’s just clarify some things right off the bat, the show is set in 2017/2018, not in 1988 as was the film (or in ‘89 like the musical). The slang has been updated to fit the time, for example, ‘very’ becomes ‘just’. References are made to the original film: big fun is now a brand of chips, there are “the New Happiness” posters hung on the walls of the school, some dialogue from the film is recycled or repurposed for the show, and (my favourite nod to the film) some of the original film score has been used (or slightly updated) for the show. [This last thing is a very minute detail, but I am such a sucker for the film’s score, so I appreciated that little touch.]

The opening is a bit graphic, to say the least.

Eight years prior to the main events of the episode, we are introduced to an adult woman in a red scrunchie. She has just doused her house in gasoline and lit the match when her husband and son come home. The father quickly runs into the house while the son stays in the car as the mother waves at him from her bedroom window then shoots herself from (under her chin/jaw) as her son is left watching the entire thing. It’s safe to assume the boy in the car is JD because, by the episode’s end, that assumption proves to be true.

So how similar is it to the film, really?

Not very. Not very at all. OK despite my ass clinging to the use of the word very for dear life now, the show honestly has very little to do with the source material. One could speculate that Shannen Doherty’s character (JD’s mother who commits suicide in the show’s cold open) might be someone from the original film and that’s how they could be linked. Otherwise, there’s not much similarity to the original beyond the basic concept and shared character names. And the references. There are loads of references to the source material - not so much to the musical - but you’d be hardpressed to forget this is a reboot with all the allusions to the original.

Why are the diverse characters the villains?

I have no fucking clue. In the narrative, it’s because people who are different are now popular. 

Heather Chandler (HC) is fat (or as the show calls it “body positive” as if to say fat is a bad word and only overweight people can be body positive) and she appears to be into a more blackmail centred version of social justice. And she’ll continue to blackmail people even after her “death” it seems - if the sneak peek at the end of the episode’s any indication. 

Heather Duke (HD) is our genderqueer character, and we see she/her pronouns being used (I can’t recall if other pronouns were also used for Duke). She basically copies HC in that blackmail approach to social justice and she’s secretly very envious of HC

Heather McNamara (HM) is our biracial Heather, she is also supposedly a lesbian, but we see her making out with one of her male teachers in the parking lot of Snappy’s Snack Shack. HD catches her in this act and claims that HM is not actually LGBTQ+ (sexuality is fluid though so maybe HM is another type of WLW. Though, by the way, this show is going HD seems correct in her assumption that HM is straight).

Outside of this narrative though it doesn’t make any sense. We could have gotten a POC Veronica and/or JD (who they seem to be making more of an antihero than outright psychopath), or they could have gender-bent JD and made Veronica WLW to provide diversity in a way that doesn’t villainise the diverse.

Trying to Flip the Script

As I said above, they seem to want to make JD more of an antihero than the psychopathic killer he was in the film. And I noticed this was something they tried to do in the musical too. They may not have gone as far as making him an anti-hero in the musical, but they were definitely trying to make him a more sympathetic character.

In the film, there’s this element of mystery to him. What was his past? When did he start killing? Was HC his first or was framing murders as suicides always his M.O.? The film alludes to his mother’s presumed suicide as the catalyst for his strange fascination with death but it never comes out an says it. Maybe I like that because it’s also left a little ambiguous to how JD’s mother died. We all know he said it was a suicide - “she walked into a building right before my dad blew it up.” - but was that the whole truth? Did she really decide to die in such a way? Was she lured into the building under false pretences (every time I watch the film, I’m very suspicious of JD’s dad, and I get the feeling that he may have murdered his wife)?

I suspect that if this show continues, and based on reviews, it’s not looking good, we’ll see more of that: how his mother died and why he is the way he is.

I also wonder how much of the other characters they plan to change. In the show, Veronica’s only label seems to be that she thinks of herself to be a “good person”. In the film, she was bored with where she was in the school’s social hierarchy. JD provided her with adventure that she wasn’t finding at school or with her friends. JD disrupted that status quo, and that’s what was so intriguing to her. In this show, though, the status quo has already been disrupted. The outsiders are insiders now.So what could JD possibly offer than changes her whole perspective?

Betty or Martha

Just as in the musical, it seems as though these two characters get combined. Unless they intend to introduce or make mention of Martha “dumptruck” Dunnstock later, it seems as though she’s been combined with Betty Finn.

As for Betty, she’s not the innocent one you loved from the film. This one seems to be quite envious of Veronica. She’s got a chip on her shoulder, and after HC’s not-really-death she delivers a eulogy on campus which seems to be setting her up as the next Heather - the new sheriff in town, as it were. Though HD and HM are fighting to claim the void that HC left as the school’s ruler, it seems by the next day, Betty would take it upon herself to claim this role. And I really don’t know how I feel about that.

In the film, Betty was Veronica’s past and a place she to which she longed to return. Betty was her life before the Heathers. And she longed for that simpler time. She was a pleasant reminder of what Veronica used to have and what she was trying to get back. Similarly, Martha was Veronica’s future. After dethroning HD, Veronica befriends Martha, and they plan to spend prom together watching movies and eating popcorn. The chaos is out of her life, and Martha offers her a chance of normality.

Having said that, my next question is, what will be Veronica’s relationship with HM? In the film, HM was the quietest of the Heathers and only really partook in events because the rest of the group was. After HD mocked her for her troubles [Poor Little Heather], she attempted suicide - which was quickly stopped by Veronica who spotted the signs. Their relationship grew in the film because of this event. There was genuine caring and support that Veronica had with HM that she didn’t have with the other Heathers and I wonder if that will ever be explored in the show. I would love to see Veronica being friends with HM and Martha in the show, if the show doesn’t die a quick death, because those were the relationships that were being created at the end of the film so we didn’t get the chance to explore them further. Veronica saw the pain these women were having and made an effort to befriend and help them after they had both attempted suicide. That is something that would be really cool to explore, but I doubt they ever will.

Wait, so Heather Chandler didn’t die?

She did not. The final moments of the episode flashback to earlier that day where HC wakes up in the morning after having smashed through her table and seemingly died the previous night. At first, she’s pissed and is prepared to make Veronica and JD’s lives a living hell, that is, until she checks her phone and realises just how much more popular she has become now that people believe her to be dead. 

And that’s where we leave things. We get a little sneak peek of episodes to come. HC will seemingly blackmail Veronica and JD to help bring about “justice” for her. Which appears to take the form of killing other students and framing them as suicides at HC’s request.

Final Thoughts

I think this could have been a really cool show had certain monikers not been attached. This show is both trying to pay homage to the film and be its own thing, and I feel like that could lead to its downfall. If the character had different names, this could be a really cool stand-alone show. The plot of the show will obviously have to deviate from the film to allow for multiple episodes, so it’s really only similar in a general concept and sporting characters with identical names to the film and musical.

Had this show been a looser adaptation/reboot or had it only been inspired by the film I could see it having a much longer life than it probably will. While I love the allusions to the film, this show is a drastic departure, and although I don’t hate it and could admire it as it’s owe thing (had the title been different and the characters’ names changed), I won’t be watching it any further.

If I’m a “stan” for anything, it would be the 1988 cult classic on which this show is based. But I just feel that the show is both trying really hard to be it’s own unique thing while also trying to be a love-letter to the film and I think that’s where it’s going to struggle.

[kateofthecanals]

Second time seeing The Last Jedi

Went to see TLJ again today, and my mom loved it, LOL. She says she totally gets why I would feel the way I do but she disagrees -- she totally thinks Kylo will be redeemed and that he and Rey have to be together in the end. She actually gasped and grabbed my arm when he said “But not to me” and let out this moony little “aw” when he said “Please”. Mind you she’s not a shipper (she’s all about Poe, lol), but she said she could totally see the dynamic continuing and she could understand why they both made the decisions that they did (i.e.: Rey rejecting his offer and Kylo’s ensuing flip-out). She picked up on A LOT of the nuances without me having to point them out, so that’s good. I told her that I’m glad she disagrees with me, LOL.

I feel largely the same even after a second viewing, tbh. I’m still super worried that TLJ was just a brief diversion for Rey and Kylo on their way to becoming straight-up Hero and Villain in Episode IX, but at the same time it’s hard to ignore all the seeding and groundwork and it’s hard to believe JJ would just let it all go. Some other thoughts below:

About That Shared Vision

So, most if not all of us Reylos have been holding onto Rey and Kylo’s shared Force-vision as a beacon of hope that Reylo is endgame -- they both saw themselves fighting for the same side (however badly they both misconstrued that concept) but the common thread being they WILL end up together somehow... in the future.

But... like... their vision already came to pass, didn’t it? In Snoke’s throne room. He didn’t bow to Snoke, like she said, and he stood beside her, like he saw. The end. Right? Or is that just what we as viewers (and Kylo and Rey themselves) are supposed to believe? I’m really torn on this one...

Musical Cues

Something I noticed this time around was how much the musical cues were informing my perceptions of certain moments. For the past week-and-some-change since seeing TLJ for the first time, I’ve been on a steady diet of screencaps and gifs which are, of course, silent, so it’s easy to project my own “music” onto them, you know? But seeing those moments again in the context of the film, I realized that it’s the MUSIC played during key moments that have influenced how I feel about them. For example, the kind of angry, resolved music played when Rey shuts the Falcon door on Kylo... instead of something a little more wistful or regretful. The music seemed to indicated clearly that Rey is just straight-up DONE with Kylo, with no room for negotiation... As a filmmaker, I understand completely how music is used in movies to manipulation emotions, and it seemed clear that the emotion they were trying to manipulate here was “she hates him again, they are mortal enemies again.”  

Kylo Never Smirks

I’ve seen people claim that Kylo smirks (a) after Rey asks him to cover his pecs and (b) when he’s looking down at her in her transport coffin. No, he did not on either one of those occasions. I was purposely looking out for both of those moments.

Kylo’s Foot in the Salt

I’ve also seen some folks make a big deal out of Kylo’s foot sliding in the salt on Crait to reveal the red beneath, saying that this is evidence that he will be redeemed. But literally 10 seconds later, they show Luke’s foot do the same thing, without exposing the red. So, clearly the shot of Kylo’s foot was simply to contrast/foreshadow Luke’s not really being there.

Did Leia Know?

Upon seeing it a second time, I feel like Leia 100% knew Luke was just a projection. She was talking to him the same way Harry Potter was talking to his parents and loved ones after turning the Resurrection Stone.

The Mirror Sequence

I can’t say with total certainty that I believe the figure Rey sees in the mirror is Kylo but that silhouette is definitely NOT Rey’s. The fact that the concept art apparently originally featured Rey’s face merged with Kylo’s mask is, of course, pretty good evidence that that silhouette WAS Kylo’s. ;-) If they’re trying to be less obvious about Rey and Kylo’s fate, I can see why they would want to make that more ambiguous in the finished cut. 

Benicio’s Words of Wisdom?

I was only half-paying attention to anything going on with DJ the first time around, but this time I thought it was very interesting how he himself seemed to be an odd sort of embodiment of the theme of “balance” -- he’s neither good, nor bad... somewhere in the middle. While they’re on the ship that he rescues Finn and Rose in and is talking about the previous owners of the ship, he discovers that it was someone who sold technology to both the First Order and the Resistance. Perhaps this is not necessarily the “balance” Rey and Kylo should be aiming for, LOL, but I can see what Rian was trying to do there.

Rey Looking at Finn and Rose

The first time around, I obviously noted how Rey smiled when watching Finn hold vigil over Rose. But what I noticed this time around was the shot of her immediately before that -- a wider shot of her sitting by herself, to emphasize her being alone, while Finn doted on Rose. She seemed almost envious... not that Finn was paying attention to someone else, but simply because he had someone at all. It seemed clear that Rian was not only trying to show that Rey was cool with Finn and Rose but also how isolated she still was, and how she still yearns for connection for herself. (Which.... she already has.... just not in the form she expected....)

Those were just a few things from off the top of my head. Curious, as always, to hear other people’s opinions!

[drizzyfinn-blog]

i’m zayna, i love finn, jaeden, wyatt, and jack. but mostly finn hehe. i also love a very supportive boyfriend with everything i do. i don’t really care what my scenario is, thank you!!:)))

jaeden x zayna - coffee shop"i get there everyday about 10 minutes before her. she walks in everyday at 7:39 and orders a iced americano with room from cream. and she goes and sits at the corner table and writes in this little journal. i-it's royal blue and has flowers all over it. its cute and pretty... like her an-" jaeden started rambling, pacing back and forth in the middle of his bestfriend's room. "god jaeden, close your mouth or else you're going to get drool all over my carpet," wyatt teased the older boy before walking over to him and grabbing his shoulders. "you're being a bitch bro.""i'm not being a bitch.""you're being a total bitch.""i'm being a total bitch." jaeden admitted with a sigh of defeat, sitting down on wyatt's bed with his head in his hands. "yeah, it's fucking clear to see. tomorrow, you're gonna talk to her." wyatt clapped his hands, giving jaeden a reassuring smile once he lifted his head. jaeden knew unless he gave in, wyatt wouldn't stop. wyatt was way too fond of jaeden getting a love interest than being annoying to his friend. more interested in the pros, like something happening between them, than the cons, like her not liking him. or even knowing who he was. "fine! now let me show how much you suck at black ops by letting a total bitch beat you." the next morning, jaeden was so determined to talk to her. he got to the coffee shop that tuesday morning very motivated and ordered his regular, and her's too. gradually, he started losing the determination and confidence he once had. he paid for them both, and brought her's over to her table. "i take notice of you everyday,taking in your effortless beauty, awaiting the day i can muster up the courageto admit my admiration of you."that short thing jaeden wrote on the spot was scribbled on a beige napkin in blue pen. he made sure he got a blue pen, he guessed it was he favorite color due to the color of her journal and the involvement of the color in her wardrobe. he then went to his usual table and waited. when she finally came in, she went to her table to drop her stuff off before she got in line and was pleasantly surprised by the coffee. she smiled wide and bit her lip, blushing at the thought of having a secret admirer. jaeden was looking at her, feeling warmth in his stomach while looking at the girl. she looked up and around the coffee shop, meeting eyes with jaeden. he quickly looked down- mentally cursing himself for listening to wyatt. but what jaeden didn't know, is that that day, the girl couldn't focus on her drawing at all. she was too flustered and star stricken over the boy. the next day, jaeden was nervous to get to the coffee shop. he didn't know what he expected. this was real life, not some sappy clichè romance movie. he kept his head while arriving at his table, almost knocking the preplaced cup of coffee that sat on the gray stone. " i appreciate your note and gesture a lot. i didn't know your usual, so i asked the barista. hope you like. i'm zayna. coffee sometime?" jaeden smiled so wide his cheeks hurt. he never thought cursive handwriting on a napkin could evoke such feeling from inside of him. "you're being a total bitch." wyatt's words rang through his head as he stared at the girl across the coffee shop. he muttered a string of curse words as he put the napkin into his bag and walked over to the girl apprehensively. "would you mind if i cash in that coffee date today?" jaeden asked coolly, making zayna blush like crazy. she shook her head and smiled, fiddling with the pen that sat in her right hand. he took a seat from across the girl. for a second, neither of them spoke. just taking in the others features that they couldn't see from across the shop. "not at all. i'm zayna, as you know. and you are?" "jaeden." he smiled. "what's your journal about? it must have something really good in it. you have it everyday.""i-i know this probably sounds weird, but i've been sketching you and it isn't that good and i'm sorry if it sounds cr-" the younger girl rambled on, getting flustered and choking on her words. she blushed at the thought of jaeden noticing her, and the journal she brought everyday. her cuteness evoked a laugh from jaeden. "i'd love to see it. if it makes you feel any better, i've been writing about you." the rest of the day was filled with them swapping their masterpieces and being flattered that the person they were secretly admiring was admiring them too. the coffee shop dates continued, and so did the drawing and writings. they had pages and pages of sketches and short stories of their significant other, making wyatt slightly envious of the relationship they had. now, zayna doesn't have to ask the barista about jaeden's usual; she also gets there now at 7:29. (hope you liked my love 💛💛)

[amnachil]

The High School Game Part 7

Sam DAY 54 Sunday

The lad and his girlfriend lay down onto his bed, tired by the party they had before. It was Sunday early afternoon, and Sam started to feel better further to a memorable headache. Gregory was better than I expected at beerpong. Anyway, with Shirley resting here, her head against his shoulder, he was happy. But she seemed depressed. At first, he supposed it was the alcohol, but even now, she had not say a word, only putting a hand over his stomach. Sam straightened up. His mother bought some new jeans (he wore a sweatpant, right now) and set down them on his chair. It was time to try them on.

"Honey..."

Surprised, he glanced at her. Shirley stood up and smiled cautiously.

"We need to talk about somethin'. Something important."

"I'm listening."

Sam started to feel incomfortable. Her eyes were blushed with tears, and she looked so sad. What the hell is happening ?

"I'm think you should...well... exercise more and eat less."

"Why ?"

He stoop up and stared at her. What was she implying ? He already did enought workout, according to the nurse. And the time saved was for her.

"Sam, please. Look at you, and you will understand why."

The brown boy patted his belly. Of course... Slowly, he realised what she meant. This softness he felt was not because of his wool sweater. The tightness of his clothes, shirts and jeans was not because they had shrunk. The shortness of breath he felt on the field... Everything made sense now. How could he have not notice his own change before ? I was in a serious denial... With apprehension, he took one of his news jeans and checked the waist : 34. 34. A fucking size 34. He rushed his bathroom, and took off his pull. My fucking god. Why I hadn't notice that earlier ? Serioulsy, was he stupid ? Sam touched his stomach. It was soft and meaty. His proeminent belly hung over his sweatpants, compressed in the 28 sized outfit. It was round, plump, not really fat but soft enough to scare him. Instead of pecs, he had nothing : it was impossible to flex anymore. Even his arms and legs were softer : he could feel his ass, bigger, tighly packed under his pants. What happened to me ? The answer was quite obious, by the way. Shirley, who watched him without any word yet, whispered :

"You're not fat, but you need to..."

"I'm fat." he interrupted her. "Really, really, damn fat."

His gut was not as big as Finn's one (even largely less developped) but Sam felt bigger than Big Pig. He felt clumsy and out of shape. Why ? Why the hell ? A distant memory came back to him. The nickname Tobias and the other gave to his girlfriend. Lady B. Lady Bellies.

"Honey, that's nothing. You can lose weight in no times. Three week and you'll be as muscular as before, I swear you."

"Don't. Just... just go away please. Go away."

She obeyed, and Sam ended up alone, depressed and, obviously, fat.

At 15:00, the young lad was outside, and started a run. He had to get back in shape as fast as possible, which meant doing a lot of exercise. But he felt observed. They all see my fat body. The passerby stared at him, amused. Some whispered jokes about him. Sam feared to meet a school mate... He could imagine the teasing coming. And even worst than all that, he felt his belly jiggling with every step, and he wanted it to stop. Please. I want to lose weight now. After 15 minutes, he was out of breath and even more depressed. His tummy was still here, round and too much fat. For god sake. I really let myself go. Sam was aware of his thick body, and disliked it. He felt useless, miserable and was not comfortable with himself. Why Shirley, Raphaël and the other did not warn me ? Well, Shirley, called Lady B, had an obvious reason. It seemed she enjoyed fatten up his friends and after throw them like trash. She did that with Finn, and she is doing the same thing with me now. His other friends... well, Tobias hated him, and probably took advantage of his transformation. Greg... Greg was not his friend, after all. Raphaël was the only mystery. Why being so secret ?

"Hi dude. Doing some workout ?"

Caught, Sam jumped. Dan, Shirley's brother, smiled. Holy shit, you scared me. Since he dated the blond girl, he became closer with her relatives, especially this one.

"Sorry, I surprised you. How are ya ?"

"Fine, thanks."

The brown lad smiled. Dan was... very comprehensive. Light-brown haired, with blue eyes, he had a likeable face, and a contagious good mood. Plus, he would not judge Sam for being fat, himself being out of shape. Since thanksgiving, he sprouted a burgeonning potbelly. His loves-handles were blossoming, and his whole wardrobe became too tight. Well, and Raphaël never teased him...

"I thought you were with Shirley, this afternoon." stated Dan.

Sam felt his rancor come back with the mention of his girlfriend.

"I was, but she left to go back home. And I decided to workout a bit, in order to get back in shape..."

He did not want to sound agressive, but he did. Dan smirked. He hold a shopping bag full of groceries.

"Raphaël told you coach Litman's conditions ?" asked Shirley's brother.

"What ? No."

"Well, coach told your captain you needed to get back in shape, or he would replace you definitly by another player. I thought Raphaël warned you, explaining why you are trying to lose some weight..."

"He did not. But thanks you man, I will increase my efforts."

Sam strated running again, more determinated then ever.

Gregory DAY 57 Wednesday

Second week of his mission was taking place well. Well, at least the "distraction part" : Sam was not in the high school after his lunch at the canteen. However, he did not frequent the Mcdo, but instead, decided to make 30 minute of workout. At least the two last days. This turning point in his attitude unleashed rumours. Jessy told everyone Shirley and the young lad were separated. Well, that's not my business after all. Gregory, for his part, were the center of the boys's attention. Their teammates noticed Raphaël preference for him, and they were jealous. Every afternoon, after gym class, the discreet lad escorted Thomas (his captain little brother) during his workout. They grew up closer day after day, and Gregory was glad to have at least one friend now. Plus, he started to feel his own body transformation. His muscles were blossoming, stronger every day. Soon, I will be as well built as Tobias and Raphaël. This idea filled him of excitation. Maybe he would even find a girlfriend once one of the most popular teen of the hight school.

"Man, can we go or not ?" asked impatiently Sam.

It was 12:30, and Gregory were supposed to come with the brown lad out of the high school.

"Of course we can. Where are we going today ?"

"Mcdo, I'm hungry as hell. Pasta weren't enough."

Oh... His motivation fell apart faster than I thought.

"Okay, let's go."

Both of them went to the fastfood silently. They maintened a weird relation. To be honest, Gregory did not appreciate Sam. This one was a boaster, self-confident and selfish. Even after Shirley told him how fat he had got, he rediscovered his irritating personality in no times. Okay, he did some effort in order to get back in shape, but Gregory knew he still ate a lot at diner, and bragged about losing fat without too much difficulties. I don't know if it's true or not, but I hate the idea. Plus, I think he is still in denial. Gregory worked hard to win some popularity, and Sam would just do a bit of workout and obtain what he wanted ? So unfair.

"Here we are."

Both of them entered in the Mcdo. The discreet boy knew Sam disliked him. He was, like the others, envious of his raising position. But he doesn't blame me for his physic transformation. According to Jessy, who became the last few days a real gossip, Sam blamed Lady B, alias Shirley. Gregory knew the girl were culprit, but he wondered how much Raphaël manipulated her in this matter. Anyway, he had other concern now. He ordered a sundae while Sam was thinking.

"Are you hesitating ?" he asked curiously.

"Well, I'm quite hungry, but I don't know how much I should eat. I know nothing about nutrition."

For real. Sam stomach growled loudly, and the boy blushed a bit. However, Gregory was full of ideas. With Tobias leaving the town, he was sure to have a place near to Raphaël. But with Sam evicted from the team, he would be the one and only favourite of the captain. And even... in a distant future... Well, first of all, he had to trap his "partner".

"Why don't you take everything you want to. You know, we are teens with good metabolism. We don't become fat that easy."

Gregory needed to motivate Sam. This one put a hand on his belly. Because he worn a loose sweater, his excess weight was unoticeable, and his jeans were sized 34, so he did not seem fat at all. This is not enough... He is still reluctant. His appetite was not the key to his stomach. His pride, I have to challenge him.

"Well, forgot what I said anyway. You already ate a whole plate of pasta at the canteen, so I bet you're not that hungry in truth."

Sam stared at him, trying to understand what he exactly meant. Gregory smiled innocently. Slowly, the right arm of Raphaël (soon, former right arm) ordered three burger, a large fries and a coca. Four burger. Nice... You really are stupid, isn't it ? It would be an hard work, only feeding him at noon, but Gregory already had somes goods ideas to fatten his "partner".

Shirley 57 Wednesday

Three day after her argument with Sam, she started to felt something else than sadness. Anger. An irrational anger against Raphaël and his fucking community. She did not really have an argument with her boyfriend: the devil forced her to tell the truth, and to assume the entire responsability. But he fattened Sam too, using Gregory to do his dirty work. Plus, she was angry against Jessy, and to a lesser extent against Barbara. The two girls manipulated her. And now, she was lonely, mocked by the whole 11th grade. This afternoon, for the first class, she saw her boyfriend (she did not accepted yet their separation) came back with Gregory, apparently stuffed. You must be kidding me. He blames me, but not this asshole ? Well, she already knew this world was unfair. Very, very unfair.

"How are you, Lady B ? Feeling depressed ?"

She turned towards Finn. His ex-friend smiled spitefully. He wore a sport sweater, and a jean. Shirley watched the data, he was at 86 kg (190 pounds) on the first monday of December. 3 kg (6,6 pounds) lost in a month, despite thanksgiving. She was admirative, and afraid in the same time. Because Tobias, the tall brown guy, stand to his remained at Finn disposal, indicator of his submission.

"Right now, you are living the same experience I did when you betrayed me for this idiot. Is that good ?"

She lowered her eyes. He is wrong, but... How could she explain this ? Finn would not believe in Raphaël manipulation, not now that Tobias was his friend. Yes, she decided to remain with Sam, to the cost of his safety, but the devil promised her two weeks after the thankgivings holidays to let her help her friend. And he didn't keep his word. Worst, he trapped her, and now, she had lost her boyfriend too.

"I'm really enjoying all of this." whispered Finn. "You deserved everything. But I have a secret to tell you."

"Please, finish your torture and let me." she begged, trying to concentrate on the lesson of history.

"Tobias told me about the deal you made with Raphaël. Be aware the team captain wanted to keep his word : it's Tobias who decided to help me before you manipulate me. He protected me and taught me how to lose weight. I'm not conforming, but I have my revenge from you and Sam. And Tobias, who hates Sam, won in all front. You can't manipulate me anymore, do you understand ?"

She silently acquiesced. Finn was wrong. Whoever helped him, he was conforming. Maybe Raphaël did not failed the deal, but Tobias, in the name of his jealousy against Sam, led the fatty boy to the sheep's herd. And the devil won anyway. I can't to anything against them... I'm poverless. The rest of the year promised to be awesome.

Later, in the gym class, Shirley watched Sam on the field, preparing for the run. His mother Nadia bought him a whole new wardrobe, and his sportswear hid quite well his bit of stoutness. Standing here, with his teammates, he did not seem really different. Okay, Raphaël attracted eyes, because he was shorter, but with a perfect build, with ahtletics legs and arms, flexing while he was strecthing his muscles. But Sam could rivalise, at least for the shoulder span, with the others. She knew he was out of shape, and hiding a round tummy under his shirt, but at least the others could not see it.

"Don't dribble to much, Lady B." teased her Jessy. "You can't obtain him again now."

"Everything is your fault." mumbled Shirley. "What did  I do to be hated like that ?"

The dark-haired girl laughed.

"Being you is enough to deserve this, Lady B. Raphaël is magnanimous letting you stay among us."

The blond girl felt a well up anger overhelm her body. How Jessy dared to speak to her like that ? I did not steal Sam from you. He did not like you, never. She was a fucking bitch, and a coward. And an asshole. Shirley got enraged in no time, and started to run before Mr. Litman gave the signal. It was that, or punch this stupid whore in the face. Anyway, today was forest jog, and the others followed as soon as the professor decided it. In a few second, Raphaël overtaked her, then Tobias, then Gregory and some others soccer players. She was not a her maximum anyway. After 15 minutes, she ended up with Liam, both of them far behind the best runners, and far ahead the others. Shirly prudently watched the goal-keeper. According to the data, he measured 181 cm (5'9"), and weighted 72 kg (159 pounds) of muscle. However, he got a thick torso, with two strong pecs, and he was broad-shouldered. His arms were strong, as resquested by his position, but his legs were fitter. Among the soccer players, he was the slowest, and she perceived he felt ill at ease. She totally could understand why : he made a growth spurt during the last two month. According to his check-up, he was only 174 cm (5'7") in October for 65 kg (143 pounds). This changes allowed him to be the first-team goal-keeper.

"Why are you staring to me like that ?" he asked.

She blushed. I'm acting like a freak. They were running, alone, in the forest, and she had been watching him for a long time. Ladies, how to scare a boy by Shirley Vince.

"I wondered if you were still dating Jessy or not ?"

He blushed as much as she did before, even more, and answered curtly :

"No. Why are you asking that ? Did someone told you something ?"

By the panic and distress he showed, the blond girl understood he was not aware of Raphaël's plan. He only had some fun with Jessy, left in the dark. Well, it's better like this.

"I just saw the way she look at you, and I thought you were dating saturday's party. My bad."

Liam smiled with shyness.

"We... had fun during the party, yeah." he confessed laconically (she smiled, amused by his reserve). "But we ain't together for all that."

"Why ?"

Shirley liked the way he talked to her. It was refreshing to speak with someone who did not hate her.

"Well... Maybe it will sounds weird but... I did not like her physic."

"Are you into blond girl, or less curvy ?"

"Not really. More... well, I think you can guess by yourself, Lady B, because you seems to be in the same case."

Slowly, she opened her eyes wide. Did he loved chubbies girls ? They did not have the opportunity to talk more about it, because they crossed the finishing-line. And because everyone was staring at her, as usual, she took her shower and left the place as fast as possible. After all, she was the new scapegoat right now, and even Finn was laughing at her. As I said, this world is unfair.

Sam DAY 59 Friday – 60 Saturday

"C’mon dude. You are done, aren't you ?"

Greg smiled with pride. All around, people were going and leaving, after eating their lunch. But Sam was not here only to eat a meal. Slowly, he took a large handful of fries.

"I'm not... burp... full yet."

He ingurgitated the whole fistful. His soccer partner (as Raphaël called him) stared at him with amazement. You did not expect that, did you ?

"Give me... burp... sorry. Give me... burp... the last one."

Greg handed him the burger, astonished. To be honest, Sam was as amazed as the discreet boy. Since Wednesday, Greg challenged him to eat a second helping at Mcdo. In order to succeed, Sam decided to train himself : he stuffed his face with his mother's cooking every evening, for her delight (and he loved this). Plus, he snacked some donuts from Ms. Liliano's bakery after his daily workout. And yersteday, he managed to eat four burgers, plus the fries, and drank two coca. As a reward, Greg made him a gift : he gladly agreed to buy every donuts Sam wanted. This way, they were stick together every break, and went to the bakery.

"Are you sure you want to do it ? You look sick."

"I'm... burp... not."

Sam took a bite of his burger, and hardly gulped it. His left hand rubbed with expertise his bloated belly. Indeed, since thankgivings, that was not the first time he overstuffed himself, and he learnt how to appease his bulging tummy in order to eat more. Of course, he was careful since he discovered his weight gain, but with his new workout routine, he was sure to erase every mark of fat on his body. Right now, he felt stuffed, but he had to win the challenge. No way Greg win. With a great effort, he manage to put the last morsel of burger in his mouth. He swallowed slowly, and stared at his partner with pride. Again, I won.

"Burp... oh sorry, I drank a little too much... As you can see, I ate the whole thing. You... burp... will respect your... part of the deal ?"

They signed an agreement quite simple. Everytime Sam won the bet, he could ask something from Greg. And everytime he lost, Greg would have the right to remove one favor, or to ask one for himself. God, I'm so bloated... His two hands patted his hard stomach. He could feel his two meals packed here (they obviously ate at the canteen before, because the lunch were charged, and his mother would not understand if he doesn't eat).

"Of course I will" replied Greg. "But before, I'm thinking about an improvement. You asked me to give you my favourite videogame but... Would you take my latpop instead ?"

Sam rose his head, surprised. He did not have a latpop, and Greg offered him one ?! He lost his mind, or what ?

"There is obviously a condition. You must be able to eat whatever I gave you during the day for one week, starting right now. As a reminder, my latpop is a last generation one, worthy 800$. Are you in ?"

Sam's belly grumbled, having some difficulties to digest.

"What... burp... are you winning if I lose ?"

The brown boy knew he would not lose this. No way.

"You let me your supporting striker position in the team."

Sam rolled his eyes. He knew Greg was an ambitious cockroach. But that will be even better when I will win. His face will be priceless.

"I can do it. Your latpop, my place in the team."

Anyway, Raphaël would never let this fool become a striker. Greg stood up, and head towards the ordering-device. Meanwhile, Sam rubbed his overfed belly, thinking about the consequences of this bet. I have to do a lot of workout... And my fat will shed. He already could feel the difference since he started exercise, by the way. His partner came back with two burger and a sundae and smiled :

"Let's start, so. I'm eating the sundae, and you binge the burger, okay ?"

The next day, at the afternoon, the team went on the stadium for the first return match. Sam entered in the locker room prudently. I did not see Shirley... The girl, member of the volunteers who helped the 11th grade team, probably did not come. Officialy, they were still together, because Sam did not left her, but they had not talk since last Sunday. I wonder how she handle this... The young lad went to his locker and took his shirt off.

"I think I found a new nickname to you, Sam." teased Tobias. "What do you think about Ex-jock ? It sounds good, considering this cute tummy you own."

The others laughed, except Raphaël. As for him, Sam blushed. He knew he would took it full on the head. Just, he was not fat, but his stomach sported some curve, and he could feel his teammates staring.

"I hope coach Litman will listen to my application." began again Tobias. "You're useless on the field, as I said to him, and you will be better on the bench."

"You said what ?"

The question chilled everyone. The team captain moved forward, slowly. So much slowly that they all gulped, afraid. He exuded such a coldness. He is pissed off... Truly pissed.

"I asked you something Tobias. What did you said to coach Litman exactly ?"

Their friend stepped back. He prudently replied :

"I told him Sam was out of shape and let himself go. And I asked him, for the team, to put Sam among the substitute."

The main interested party felt like a trash. One month ago, the whole team would be defending him against this attempt of deposition. But now, Raphaël looked like the only one bothered. They tossed me aside like a smelly sock...

"I can't be at variance with the coach." whiespered quietly the captain. "But do not take the initiative to ask something without me ever again. Am I clear ?"

Tobias silently acquiesced, scared by their blond friend. Even if he was largely taller and imposing, the brown lad did not resist. As for Sam, he felt wretched and useless. Nobody respects me now... They just think I'm a fatty crap.

"I'm sorry." mumbled Raphaël. "It's out of my hand now. You'll have to wait coach decision."

"You did your best. Thanks for not abandoning me."

His bestfriend nodded, and they waited coach announcement, obviously while being depressed for Sam.

To be continued

Sam finally realised he packed on the pounds. However, his reaction is kinda fun ;D he found a person responsible, but not really changed his own way of life. Can we expect him to let himself go fully ? We’ll see soon ! :p