#and whenever something i create makes me feel bad i can't handle it and i quit entirely

[end-orfino]

people should show their first drawings/animatics/writings more often. I won't do it but you guys definitely should

[blackbirdsblackberries]

What do you think of a teenage antihero reader?

Readers are the type of people who like to tease others. Of course, they also like to create chaos.

like:

Batman feels sad because his children are estranged from him.

Reader: *deliberately calls Batman papa in front of the Batkids. makes them jealous and fight to get Batman's love.* "Papa, let me join this mission.", "Papa, pocket money?"

Reader: "I wasn't adopted by Batman. Why do I call Batman papa?" *Looks at the Batkids, who look at Reader with bullet-shaped eyes* "Because it's fun and I get to watch them get jealous but can't do anything to me, haha"

Reader: Spend time with your father and I will handle your affairs. Same old account, transfer the money there. *Accepts to stay away from Batman happily because Batkids will pay Reader*

I love this!

I don't know if this is yandere or not so I'll do overall reactions and you can decide whether they end up yandere or not! (If you want proper yandere then don't be afraid to ask)

At first Dick doesn't mind, in fact he finds it odd - who would want to call Batman "Papa" or any type of name like that? Over time however he'll start to feel an odd pang in his chest, he could've been the teenager calling Bruce that, he could have had a good relationship with Bruce like how you seem to (even if you yourself are pretending). So, he gets huffy and irritable whenever he sees you. He'll find some flaw in what you do and immediately tell everyone and try to make you look bad - you don't care clearly but Dick feels like he's doing something so you pretend, kinda.

Jason at first pities you. He thinks you genuinely mean it, that you genuinely see Batman as a father figure. He's so sure that Batman is going to fail you. That is until it starts getting too much. Jason would of spoken to Roy about it over some drinks and despite what Roy would have said Jason would feel bitter and angry - he could have had that! If he didn't fall for that trap, if Joker didn't kill him, if Bruce - no, Batman, got to him in time. Jason would from then on "accidentally" stumble across missions he wasn't supposed to be there for that you and Batman would be on. He'd flip you off before bantering with Batman - you shrug it off, you don't actually have any interest in Batman being your dad.

Tim is automatically suspicious, you're known for causing chaos and judging by how everyone reacts this is probably just one of your ploys. He doesn't pay much mind but slowly gets peeved at your continuance. Haven't you had your fun already? (no, seeing the reactions of the others makes you continue). Tim digs into your civilian life - he and the others found out about it when you first appeared so as to label you as a threat or not. He'll dig up past mistakes and issues then present them to Bruce and you, subtly taunting you with your past so as to convince you to distance yourself. When you don't he gets petty, you approach Batman - he steps in front of you and blocks your path. You yell out to him - he yells louder. You want to go on a mission - oh no.. Looks like you're swamped with work AND injured :(

Damian is immediately pissed. What are you doing? You shouldn't be pretending that Batman is your father! You aren't blood - hell, you aren't even adopted! Damian, though he's gotten better, is very traditionalist (thanks to his grandfather). What you're doing - along with the chaos you cause in general - is against the proper traditional lifestyle. Is he just using that as an excuse and doesn't actually believe it? yes. Is he going to stop? no. Fuck that. Damian dreams of setting his animals on you, the only thing stopping him is that he doesn't want his poor animals to meet such a disgusting person like you. Instead, he'll stand on your toes, ignore you if you need help, stay close to Batman and try and intimidate you away.

Finally they all would of had enough and would corner you, they'd offer to pay you to stay away and you all would sort out a deal.

It'd confuse Batman as to why you're suddenly keeping your distance while his children are constantly around him. Batman has a soft spot for children - you included. He thought he was fixing you but now you're back to your old habits??? Batman would immediately be onto his children and question them. They don't crack easily so Batman checks their accounts, messages, etc until he gets enough proof that they are the reason you keep away. He's obviously disappointed and ends up trying to talk his way into you becoming one of his full allies - you obviously reject it, you don't actually care for him and prefer to not be stuck on just one side.

The others end up being forced to ask you to join back and you reject them, they threaten you that they'd stop paying you and you laugh - they've given you enough money to last a year, maybe more if you're frugal!

[cochineal-leviat]

Sweet Dreams, Stardust

Okay, so I have a lot of feelings about In Stars and Time. But let me say first, wow, this game irreversibly changed my brain network. For anyone who is considering buying this game, please do. I don't think I've had a story touch my heart and mind like this for a long time. And that goes without mentioning the stunning visuals and entertaining battle system. (Be careful, though, because this game handles heavy topics regarding mental health)

If you're still hung up on buying it but are curious, there is a free demo on Steam if you like to try.

Thank you, @insertdisc5, for this gem of a game. I will be turning it around in my head like a microwaveable gourmet meal for months to come.

Technically the illustration has no spoilers (unless you count Siffrin having a good nap as a spoiler). But I will be going into heavy spoiler territory under the keep reading since I need to get my thoughts on this game off my chest.

And a monochrome version because you know me, I can't help myself. Even in black and white art pieces, I will put in some colour.

And a very tiny Loop

Initially, I was going to do a piece with a theatre stage and the cast (Siffrin, Mirabelle, Isabeau, Odile, Bonnie and the head house maiden) taking a bow and finally leaving the spectacle to a life not controlled by a script and Wish Craft. But it was more fitting to put my feelings into creating a peaceful scene. Like, oof, I needed this very badly. I used sepia to make the painting warmer and added some more details like headcanons. The stars/colours might be remnants of Siffrin's transformation. Or maybe they were always there, but he never paid attention to it. Who knows.

I'm going to keep this brief. Otherwise, this post will take way too long.

I adore Siff's character. It's perfect for a game and narrative such as this. I saw a post not long ago on Tumblr going into depth about how their role as the rogue and not the hero works so well, so I won't linger on it for long. But how they would rather listen and fade into the background perfectly aligns with the player's experience of being the silent observer. (And the nodding off that changes into zoning out. It took me way too long to realise that small but essential narrative change) Oh, and the portrait change! It flew over my head until I was staring at the game menu. I was so confident Siffrin had a mischievous grin and not a frown. I always feel slightly surprised when the party asks for Siff's opinion or mentions that they have been too quiet. I felt Siffrin's excitement like my own when he got excited at finding clues to end the nightmare they were in. So I knew it would end up falling on their face because they were too excited. I just had this bad gut feeling the whole time during Act 4.

And oh boy, speaking off acts. I thought it would have been the standard 3. Boy, I was wrong. Whenever I felt I was nearing the end, I was thrown back at the start with more mysteries than answers. It made exploring the game intriguing since there is almost no information about it online (at the time of writing this post). There is the Discord, but I didn't know about it until I finished it.

This game has a lot of secrets, and I had a lot of fun uncovering them. The looping mechanic works so well in discovering little details and further leads. (even though my stubborn arse kept trying to do everything in the least amount of loops as possible. I thought the ending would be different if I exceeded a 100. My final number is 59. I am still not sure if I should be mad about it not being a rounded number like 60 or that I went over the 50 threshold)

However, it is a good thing that only some mysteries were solved. Like, what's up with colours in this world? Everyone sees in black and white, and the idea of shades and colours is only spoken of in scientific studies. They do exist and are not a part of the disaster that happened to Siffrin and their land. But there is definitely something mysterious about it. I adore how the dialogue reflects this, as the characters do not speak of shades or colours. Isabeau expresses surprise to see a streak of red colouring the sky in Act 6. It makes you think about how colour is perceived and how you describe it. (The lore inside this game is immaculate. I eat this shit up)

We never find out the name of the country north of Vanguard or what it was like. We can only infer that the beaches had black sand, with shells that shine like stars, high-reaching mountains, forests and plains. Which is vague and yet intriguing enough to make you wonder. It connected me to Siff and King because I also wanted to know. I was desperate to know. I needed to know. But in the end, we never will know because that is not the story's point. Siffrin even says in the game, that King should let go because he is hurting everyone and everything, including himself, in his desperation to preserve Vanguard. This is all the more ironic when Siff accidentally does the same with his family and the loops. I might gush more about what the country might be like and their technology in another post. This game makes me want to theorise. This is the first time I've wanted to write and post theories. ISAT fucked me up good.

Which, by the way, was genius. Siffrin and King are mirrors of each other. Siff does not have King's disastrous ambition, but their love/obsession will be the downfall of both of them. They have more than being each other's countrymen in common, and I imagine Siff despises that.

I love the fact King's question to Siffrin before the showdown was/could never be answered. Usually, in a game such as this, you must figure out how to solve everything, especially for the big bad. But that was never the goal. King is a delusional monster who will not stop before achieving his dream. He will raze everything to the ground and hurt many people because he must succeed. It is what he desires. Nay, the universe wills it. What a witless excuse that can easily be made into someone's truth. Especially to somebody who is driven mad with grief.

How King's character's done is so excellent. Because, at first, I wasn't scared of him at all. He was just the big bad, and I felt nothing much but the glory of victory when Siffrin outsmarted him by looping and making sure Mirabelle learned the shield spell that would protect the party from freezing in time. But each time you fight him, you get more frustrated until Siff figures that talking to him might be fruitful. It does, but unfortunately, you and Siffrin leave yourself emotionally and mentally vulnerable. King stops being a one-dimensional villain and changes into an actual person. Someone you can sympathise with and possibly mend peace with without fighting. You and Siffrin opened his heart for a kindred spirit and got hurt.

King stopped being a monster and became human. And while monsters are wretched, humans have intent behind their cruelty. I felt so betrayed, so angry, but most of all - terrified. I felt it when Siffrin spiralled when fighting King again after their actions caused such a catastrophic turn of events for Bonnie. Every time after that, the fight with King felt tense and nerve-wracking in a dreadful way. Because even victory could not soothe the dread I felt. (The track 'It's finally over" will forever haunt me. I already feel anxious whenever it cycles to that when I listen to the playlist)

He was not, however, the final villain, even though everything that happened was King's fault. You were always your greatest enemy (or Siffrin in this case, since you are supposed to be Siffrin). I never could have guessed that the whole reason why Siffrin could not escape the loops was because Siff accidentally wished to never let go of their friends. This reminds me of Modaka Magica, where (spoilers for the OG anime) Homura goes back in time so much that the universe ties itself around Modoka, making her a waiting egg whose wish and magic will be massive when she becomes a magical girl. The one thing Homura was trying to prevent.

(Siffrin and Homura are identical in that sense. Shy characters who are loyal to a fault but are rendered into something cold, bitter and cutting by their traumatic experiences. Only Siff has people who care about them and would do anything to save him, too, whereas Homura never lets go, making the world a worse place to live in. Yes, I did go into doomed Yuri. That anime lived in my mind rent-free in my mind for years)

The Head House-maiden not being the villain was also a great touch. I am used to the apparent antagonist turning out not to be the big bad and the trusted, friendly character ending up being the evil one. Twist villains no longer work when everyone expects them to be villains.

That was my biggest theory as I played. The second biggest being that Loop is someone who enjoys Siffrin's suffering. I am so glad that was also not the case. They are apathetic but not cruel. Never intentionally, anyway. They were like the player, urging Siffrin to go deeper into the mystery to solve it. Ultimately, I chose and made cold and cruel decisions simply because I wanted to see what would happen. So yeah, I warmed up to this cosmic star thing as the game went on and even started trusting them. Act 5 really is a punch in the gut. I am so sorry, Loop. Thank you for coming through in the end.

Oh man, this is so long, and I haven't even gone into the main cast. I will leave that for another post. They are such great characters, as are the people of Dormant and the House. (Don't think I don't see the wordplay in this game. Very clever)

Going into this game completely blind was the best experience I could have had. I felt anxious, happy and scared so severely that my neurons were rearranged. I don't know if there are more endings (aside from the obvious action of attacking Odile in the True(?) ending of the game), but I am taking a break from it to make art and write for this game before I dive back into despair-o-land.

Anywho, thank you for coming this far and reading my ramblings. Have a fantastic day or evening further! o(*'▽`*)ブ

[ilovetheriddler]

Reluctant Comfort.

(Arkham Games) Edward Nigma x F!Reader.

Word Count: 1,170.

Contents: You're upset, Edward Comforts you in his own way.

You were distracted and distraught as you made your way back to Edward "Lair," as he called it, your arms full of bags containing more parts and pieces for his contraptions. You had been working as his assistant for a few months now. It most definitely wasn't easy by any means, especially not with how he regularly acted. He was more egotistical than anyone else you had ever met, but he was also undeniably brilliant. Honestly, if he wanted to, he could probably create quite a few things that could ultimately help people, but no. He was purely dedicated to his riddles and his urge to destroy and humiliate The Caped Crusader, Batman.

However, the main thing that currently had you upset wasn't actually anything to do with your "employer," No, it was the result of a run in you just had with one of the boys who used to harrass you in high school, and even though you knew you shouldn't waste any thought on someone who had treated you so poorly, it still ate away at you how he seemingly had a very successful life. He had a loving wife, a high paying job, and he was seemingly well respected. You originally tried to push away your frustration at this by thinking that maybe he had changed since high school. Maybe he was actually a decent guy now? No, no, he wasn't.

You had walked over to say hello, and he gave you the most pitiful look you had ever seen, as if he was disgusted by your very existence. That same infuriating look he gave you all throughout high school. Once he recognized you, he couldn't help bragging about how good his life was. And you knew that you shouldn't wish bad things on this guy, that you should take the high road. But it was really difficult when it was someone who had made you so miserable.

You eventually made it back to Edward's Lair. You walked inside and sat the extra parts and pieces down on the counter. You looked over and could see Edward right where you'd expect to find him. Hunched over his workbench, frantically scribbling out new ideas for his creations onto any scrap of paper within a five feet radius. He looked as disheveled as always. His question mark shirt was unbuttoned and covered in stains from oil and overall dirt. His white tank top underneath was somehow even more filthy. He's covered in sweat and grime, with bandaids scattered onto random places on his arms and face. Yeah, that was your employer, alright.

He hadn't bathed in days. You had been practically begging him to at this point because honestly, he's starting to smell, and you can't handle it. Of course, he just ignored you anytime you brought it up. He always got like this whenever he believed that he had come up with a brilliant plan to take down batman. He briefly glances up at you, his usual slight scowl present on his face.

"It took you long enough! I was beginning to believe that you simply perished or something along those lines!"

"I um... Apologize, Mr Nigma, I... tried to get back here as quickly as possible..."

He was a bit surprised and frustrated at your tone of voice. You were clearly upset about something, and he knew that it would obviously hinder your assistance to him. So he stands up from his workbench and begrudgingly makes his way over to where you were currently standing.

"Alright, spit it out! What insignificant thing is bothering you?"

"It's um... nothing. I just feel a bit... upset, I guess, because I ran into someone who used to be a jerk to me back when I was younger...:

"... And? Is that it?!"

"Well, it's just.... I suppose I'm just frustrated. He's seemingly really successful and happy in life despite how he treats people... I guess I just... always kind of thought that some type of Karma would happen, you know?"

He clenched his jaw slightly in frustration before he sighed.

"So let me see if I have this correct. You're upset because some Imbecilic Fool who used to harrass and humiliate you when you both were teenagers is now successful and seemingly getting everything he desires. Do I have that, right?"

".... Um... yeah, that's basically it....."

"Well, it's absolutely foolish to allow that to bother you! I don't want you wasting a single ounce of energy thinking of that moron. Do you understand!?"

He stared at you with a truly bone-chilling intensity as he waited for you to answer him. You remained silent and simply nodded in response. You could still feel his eyes watching you as your gaze remained glued to the floor from nerves. He let out a noise of somewhat frustration.

"I don't like to repeat myself, so listen carefully! I don't give a damn about whatever he said to you in the past or when you saw him earlier. It doesn't matter! He's just a dimwitted fool clearly, while you have the privilege, the honor of being my trusted assistant! So, take some pride in the fact that I consider you competent enough for my plans."

You were somewhat surprised and taken aback. Despite his usually harsh tone, he almost sounded as though he was... giving you praise...? Or at the very least, what would count as praise and appreciation from somewhat that acted like he did. So you couldn't help but be slightly touched.

"Y-yes, sir.... I understand...."

"... Excellent, now. Bring those spare parts over to my workbench, I need them for my latest project."

He has a somewhat slightly smug look on his face as he returns back to working on his plans. You bring over the materials he asked for and set them down before you clean up some of his scraped pieces of paper, ideas he came up with but then decided weren't worth pursuing so he tore them up in a fit.

About a week later, you're confused when looking over the cameras he had set up to watch batman attempt to solve his challenges and riddles. You could clearly see what appeared to be the same guy who used to torment you in high school. Why was he trapped in one of Eddie's contraptions?

Edward walked into the same room as you and sat down in front of his monitors. He could tell that you were overall confused and unsure as to what exactly he's up to with his latest tester for his newest challenge.

"I don't see why you're so shocked, I mean, after all... I can't allow someone to speak ill of my assistant, only I'm allowed to do so! If anyone else does, then they're practically insulting me and my decision to hire you!"

In a way, it warmed your heart slightly. Was he the best man for you to have secretly developed feelings for? Absolutely not. But you couldn't control it. You were utterly infatuated with him.

[eatyourmaker]

Alright.

If I don't come back from my indefinite break consider this the blog's requiem...

I love this community, and it will always hold a special place in my heart, and I'm genuinely scared of letting it go. I'm scared that my inner turmoil will have ruined the series and fandom for me.

But I've met such lovely people and made wonderful friends here. I've made art and seen wonderful art, and had great conversations and exchanges with people...

The small following I've accumulated? I've nothing bad to say about you.

You all are so genuinely lovely, and have made my experience here... So lovely...

Now onto the not so great things...

Sometimes...

Being a creator in this fandom....

Feels like a fucking nightmare.

Seeing as this might be the last thing I post here I might as well leave no stone unturned and come clean, right?

It's so fucking anxiety inducing, and unfortunately I couldn't handle the heat.

Okay so here are some things that have been weighing me down.

1. Hostile responses to different types of content.

it's so confusing... it seems like the fandom's response to fan-created content is so... wishywashy.

On the one hand, if you create something with dark themes you run the risk of being called gross 'n weird.

On the other hand, if you create content that's just happy and silly you get the "this is unrealistic, where's the nuance?" comments.

Silly or Dark, it doesn't matter someone has got something to say.

Damned if you do damned if you don't.

The fuck am i supposed to do??? What do you want from me???

I try my best to just create whatever I know will make me happy, but the knowledge that wherever I turn there will be that type of response just give me such overwhelming anxiety, like...

And I know this sounds stupid and like a personal problem, and I thought it was too for a long time--- that's why I internalized it, but I've had conversations with my small circle of friends who are also creators and the space and from what I've gleemed they feel the same way.

They are also nervous to post the content they wanna post because of the same things.

On the one hand, I'm glad I'm not alone in my feelings, but on the other hand, it saddens me that this is such a problem people are scared of posting their work.

2. Unreasonable expectations of creators.

I feel like some people here forget that the creators here are people too.

It's kind of annoying and disheartening.

And the "expectations" I'm talking about isn't like--- people expecting people to push out content like machines, it's not that-

It's the "This doesn't cater to me, i don't like this [character/ship/whatever] therefore it is bad, and I'm gonna make you feel bad about it.

I see this sentiment a lot when it comes to a particular pair of characters--- not gonna name names. But if you know you know.

These characters aren't the best in the series. They present as dislikable, yes. But nonetheless they are someone's favorite (and that someone is my friend)

This fanartist draws wholesome art of their faves interacting as a couple only to get vagued about for not presenting the characters with more nuance.

And it's SO painfully obvious whenever this conversation comes up that it's about them n their art bc they are like known as the fanartist for these characters—

And it's just so... Disheartening to see.

And no one challenges this view point, and it's just an echo chamber of "YEA!!! If you draw this character you gotta draw them right!!!"

And lately I've been seeing the same sentiment for Ignacio, and I can't say definitively if it's something that's meant to be directed at me, but either way it sucks.

So as a creator I wanna address this type of thing head on.

Fanartists/fanfic writers/whoever is not obligated to provide you with "nuance."

I mean good God. I kind of understand the hatred and the sentiment, these characters are implied to be not good to their child, right? So when confronted with this character— especially if you're a fan of the character they're victimizing— you might be compelled to go "this is bad!!! This is unrealistic!!! Provide nuance!!! Blah blah"

But remember, this creator is a person too.

There are a lot of creators who will make realistic/more canon based "nuanced" depictions of this character—

But if there's a person who isn't interested in that and they just wanna draw their faves being happy or lovey dovey, what's the problem with that? Do you really think shoving canon and your dislike of the character down their throat, will do anything?

Can you just think for a second?

Like okay.

The character has done some bad shit. But do you really think that drawing that character being abusive is gonna be fucking fun??? For some people, I'm sure it is. There are some enjoyers of dark content who wanna provide that level of depth. But there are also... Some who don't!!! There are also people who wanna draw their faves being happy!!!

But then, there's the earlier point of "If you make something too dark you'll be called gross" LIKE

WHAT DO YOU WAAANNNNT???

And the idea that there's a "right" way to draw or write a character is so stifling. And if you don't fit within that you get shit on.

ok next point.

Just find an interpretation you do like and leave the other people alone. And if you can't do that, don't interact with that content and go about your day.

It's so simple.

3. People shoving canon down your throat.

There's not much to say on this point I don't think.

But some people forget that headcanons and aus exist and that fanartist and fanfic writers are not the fucking show writers

Some of y'all act like you don't know what the fuck fanon is.

Let people have different interpretations and depictions of characters. The canon isn't fucking going anywhere.

If you see something you don't like? Move along, or block, whatever. Just stop with the constant "but it doesn't make sense!!!" Within someone's headcanons and story it might.

If you don't like someone's interpretation of a character, it's fine. But just. Leave people be.

(I got an ask recently about my Dadnacio au asking to explain it— this is NOT about that, that person was respectful and genuinely curious. I'm talking about in general and what I've seen. That person was fine)

4. The vagueing

Do I need to explain?

I thought this community was really more mature but apparently it isn't.

Nothing could prepare me for the amount of vaguing that would happen here.

Y'all— the creators you're refraining from name dropping but still venting about be seeing the shit!!! And it doesn't do anything but make people feel bad like holy shit!

All it serves to do is make the environment uncomfortable and hostile.

All you do is make not only that creator but other creators scared to post anything.

I can't silence anyone and I don't intend to— nothing I can do but Jesus it's just— omg.

4. Shipping wars

Need I say more?

If there's a ship you don't like between two consenting non related adults, scroll past, or block the tag, and mmmmoooOOOOOOOVE the fuck along.

It's insane.

If your ship isn't popular, or has an age gap (A LEGAL ONE, MIND YOU) you are genuinely at risk of getting hate and even losing friends or mutuals. It's ridiculous.

R i d i c u l o u s.

Also, this may be an unpopular opinion, but—

If there's a toxic ship, as long as it doesn't romanticize the toxic parts of it— who gives a shit.

Some people like to write darker themes, but again it seems like that's a goddamn crime in this fandom,,,

Aaaand.

I think that's about it.

All in all, this fandom, while it has its good parts...

I'm sorry, I gotta cut the shit and stop sugarcoating it—

It's TOXIC AS FUCK HERE.

I'm sorry!!! I had to say it!!!

Yeah, I'm a sensitive person, I say it in my pinned post.

But in all my years of living, with all the fandoms I've been in.

This is by far, no fucking joke. THE WORST ONE.

I'm so deadass.

And I've been in the FNAF fandom as a kid at its peak! I was in the Danganronpa fandom, FnF! And SOOO many more in-between!!! You should see the mile long yet some how in complete fandom list on my hyperfixation blog like I'm so deadass right noe. But no. This is the worst one. /Srs /gen

How did you MANAGE? How is this one, the lighthearted turned mysterious cartoon about 2 spooky kids manage to be the most vitriolic that I've seen in all my years?!

And if it's like this on Tumblr I shudder to think wtf Twitter is like.

And all this and then people will eventually start to wonder why tf the fandom is getting bone dry— lemme tell you—

Instead of catering your own fandom experience and saying "live and let live" it's like the first instinct when people see something they don't like is just hostility! And it's so immature!

IT'S CAUSE PEOPLE ARE SCARED TO POST HERE!!!

And it's not just me either!!!!!

I'm probably more openly affected because again, I'm sensitive, I have horrible anxiety, yada yada, but it's not just me, and that's really sad.

But anyway.

Yeah that's it.

Despite all my grievances, please know that I love you guys. You all who have shown me support and love, you mean the world to me, and if I don't end up returning, please know I'll never forget you.

Bye , 🫂💖💞🫶🏾

[loftec]

Last week's Weekly Tag Wednesday!

Because I was festival prepping last week and had zero time for anything else but now I'm back and ready for some tags! Thank you @wehangout @mmmichyyy @michellemisfit for the tag (and also @deedala & @jrooc for the picrew tags!) <3

Name and A03 handle: lofty / loftec

Current Location: Sofa, living room.

Favorite picrew (don't have one? you can skip this or do this one)? I can't remember if I have a favourite one, so I'll just do this one!

The "SF" probably stands for something, but I immediately thought of Svensk Filmindustri and thought that was fun.

What's one thing you want in a picrew?

MORE GLASSES OPTIONS omg please. Colour and shape. I also really love it when I can build the hair in sections so I can colour my roots differently than the rest of the hair. Also, worse hair options. Come on, normalise 'I've got no hair texture or interest or time to do anything about it'. I feel like an imposter whenever I pick one of these perfectly swooshy dos.

Favourite thing you’ve created (or seen created) for the fandom?

None the wiser

Why is it your favourite? It's mad to think about but it was the first thing I decided to make for this fandom, and I'm still working on it (very very slowly) I don't know if I've ever spent this much time and effort on anything else. It's very special to me.

Did it come easily or was it hard to create? Both, right now it's very hard, but it usually comes back around.

Last ao3 fic you commented on? A Dead Boy Detectives fic, I'm pretty sure.

Biggest WIP heartache you’ve ever experienced? I'm embarrassed to admit that I don't usually read WIPs, not really because they're unfinished but because I don't often read long fic lol. My ideal fic for reading is a concise 5k oneshot, I am a terrible hypocrite.

Favorite trope or head cannon you like included in a fanfic? I do love a good outside perspective on Ian and Mickey's relationship not fully getting their dynamic and misunderstanding their special flavour of love. Also really like different canon-divergent stories where they get separated in different moments and then reunited in the future in various ways.

Least favourite? For most ships / fandoms I read fic of, I usually develop a set of icks that cause me to click out more or less immediately, often it's to do with a certain nickname or expression or act that I can't physically stand, or, you know, which signal a fundamental mismatch between mine and the author's focus/interests/views. Unfortunately, any mention of anything happening after season 5 has become a bit of an ick for me, which is deeply unfair to writers who embrace the later half of the show.

Secret or surprising kink or trope? No, I'm extremely basic tbh. My favourite time to read fic for a new fandom is always at the very start when everybody is writing the same super basic story over and over again.

Describe how you feel after you’ve created something new? The best feeling is when I know I've written the last sentence of a story or a chapter, it's always so clear that this, this is it, that's where it ends. I feel really accomplished and complete in that moment and it's great. Then there's still hours and hours of editing after that and it's usually 4 in the morning and I'm feeling slightly unhinged when I actually post.

Top hype man you have that always helps you get across the finish line: I tend to keep to myself when I'm working on something, but I can always rely on @mittimellan @wideblueskies & @the-rat-wins if I ever need to ramble about anything.

It's been a bad day, you turn to the fandom and you _____? Lurk and enjoy the good vibes and crafts. I probably also find something in my bookmarks that I've already read a thousand times and read it again.

[liviavanrouge]

Styx Livia Au

Let me just start off by saying, it came as a shock to Diasomnia when they were informed that Livia had an accident

Ortho tells them that Livia got injured fighting Idia and it got worse when she suddenly coughed up a ton of blot

Livia is actually revived by Idia himself

The only downside is that she doesn't know who anyone is other than the Ignyhide students

She has to stay contained in a room for three days due to attacking some of the workers

Ortho is the one who teaches her emotions, learning with her as he learns about his new "heart*

Silver is the most devastated and ends up being silent much more often

Livia runs into him and informs him that she looked up cures for depression

It ends up confusing her when Silver walks the other way

Idia cannot handle Livia, she's too troublesome and threatens people a lot with her blasters

Livia on the other hand does instinctively get closer with Epel, Rozzie, Azul and Kalim

It confuses her as to why she feels care for these people

Ortho isn't able to answer her question, fearing that she'd short circuit

Mr and Mrs Shroud become unofficial parents to Livia

She enjoys being around them

Helps them whenever she can

And even makes them digital drawings she's thought up

She literally becomes an unofficial member, and they absolutely love her!

Livia spends more time at Styx than at NRC, due to Crowley fearing for what she might blow up

No matter what, Livia is always present during phantom testing

Most of the time she activates her defense mechanism and ends up destroying more dangerous phantoms

"Livia, you can't keep blowing up the experiments!" "He bad, he very bad! Needed blowy uppie!"

She leaves Styx more than anyone, even though she's the most powerful Android that has been created there

Something astounding happened one day while Livia was at NRC

She approached Silver and called him big brother

She's immediately taken back by Idia and Ortho to be analyzed

Everyone finds out that Livia regained memories that had Silver in them

The only other person she remembered was SILVER

Silver out of everyone in the school, she started to remember

Silver is allowed to keep Livia now that she knows who he is

"What now, big brother?" "Ah...we go back to the school"

He's relieved she remembers him, but is still hurt since he misses the alive Livia

The human Livia...his real sister

Things go back to normal, but Livia notices that Silver is a bit distant with her

She doesn't push

People need their own time to recover

Livia remembering him helped with his depression

But he's still mostly silent and distant with everyone

Mr and Mrs Shroud gift Livia a charging tree

She got so excited, the lights blew out

"THE LIGHTS!!!" "My, my, who knew such a gift could make her do that..."

Livia doesn't need to recharge daily

She can go four days without charging, but she's usually sleeping like a jaguar in her charging tree

As mentioned before, Livia spends a lot of her days at Styx

Which means Silver doesn't get to see her often

Livia does work like paperwork, guarding the workers during experiments, patrolling the halls, etc

She hangs around Mrs Shroud a lot, and even brings the woman food to eat

There are times where things poke at the back of Livias head

She says it's like her mind is trying to make her remember something

She shrugs it off though and continues working

She's surprised when she gets gifts sent to her by Leona and Vil

But she returns the gifts, leaving letters that say she has no need for them

Unknowingly she hurt their feelings

Leona is the one to snap first, yelling at Idia about this being his fault

Vil snaps afterwards, which worries Golden

Idia starts working on a way to restore Livias memories

No luck

Everything was lost

And Livia bring the most powerful Android in Styx

They couldn't afford to update her memory base

She might end up being too strong to control

Livia ends up singing Once Upon a December in front of Idia

It made Idia burst into tears

"I-IDIA?!" "I'M SORRY!! I'M SO SORRY, THIS IS MY FAULT!!"

Idia broke down due to the song, because....

It was the last song Livia sang to him before he himself killed her and caused the blot to appear

Livia had sang the song to him, trying to snap him out of his overblot state

The last words of her song made him freeze

It made him realize what he did

And Livia died because of his mistake

Livia comforts him as he cried, patting his back

He hugs her tight, crying and apologizing

She's confused about why he was apologizing to her but forgives him

Idia did not take it well...

"I-It's alright! I forgive you!" "NO!!!! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO!!!!!!"

He screamed at her to get out

Ortho had to pull a startled and hurt Livia out of the room before Idia's hair busted into flames

Idia stayed holed up in his room for three weeks

She always dropped off food outside his door each day

And would even bring him new figurines

She does check to see if he got the items

He always did and left a thank you note

When he came out, he apologized for screaming at her

Livia easily forgives him and starts to hang out with him again

Idia just smiles and pats her head

Lilia offered Idia some of his cooking to make him feel better

Livia nearly blew his head off...........

It was lucky that Lilia dodged or he'd be missing a head

Something inside her deep within her memory made her react that way

As if someone screamed danger at her at the sight of the pot in the faes hands

Lilia does not take her hostility towards him well

To be honest, he visibly cried in front of everyone the moment he saw Android Livia

"My baby doesn't remember me...this is too cruel!!!" "Father...."

Livia at times ends up coming to see Lilia, bothering him with endless questions

She doesn't know why!

Whenever she has a question

He just comes to mind instantly

Her mind tell her that his cooking is dangerous

But it also tells her to go annoy him endlessly

Lilia genuinely enjoys her company

He answers her questions with amusement

And at times entertains her with magic tricks

"WOWIE! AMAZING!!" "I know right, wanna see more?" "Yes!!"

He sees the real Livia in this Android one

Even though she's different and doesn't remember him

She's still his precious baby girl

Even though she's not the Livia he once knew

The Ramshackle quadruple are visited by Livia a lot

She brings them blankets, groceries, clothes, etc, etc

She even helps fix the dorm up AND cooks them food

Grim at times stares at her but runs away when she moves to speak with him

Oz avoids her as much as he can but he does greet her when she visits

Aura is always seen reading a book on revival spells

Livia got totally freaked out

Ollie, poor sweet Ollie, bursts into tears whenever Livia gives her a daisy

Livia wonders why she cares about two humans, a bear beastman and a strange cat beast so much

Once again, she shrugs it off

She WANTS to remember these people

She WANTS to be around them

But something in her mind is telling her that she doesn't deserve to know

That she doesn't deserve happiness

That.....she's a danger to everyone

Everyone stops seeing Livia more often after those thoughts occur

Idia informs them that she started overworking herself at Styx

She refuses to leave....

[worldsentwined]

oooo 1, 7 and 17!!! what fascinating questions!!

Right?? These questions are fascinating but they are also COMING FOR ME SO HARD hahahaha

1. what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are? Here is another one for my therapist lol, I feel like I am in a constant state of picking apart what made me Like This. In a fun turn of events, I now have 3 asks in my inbox and all of you asked this question, so each of you is going to get one third of this answer in your ask. So here's Thing Number One!

First and most Obviously Traumatic is getting diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at age 10, which has had a huge impact on how I think and how I manage my life. Pros: this has wired my brain to Stay On Top Of Things* and go to the doctor regularly and create routines that will support my overall health etc etc. I'm very good at managing it, to the point that I don't even realize how much extra work I'm doing until someone points it out, and it also makes me predisposed to handle other things in a similar way. Cons: if any piece of this careful system gets disrupted (lose my job and therefore health insurance, forget to pick up a prescription, insulin pump breaks**, etc) I WILL DIE. Or at least, some of these things could kill me, so that is what my anxiety tells me whenever anything disruptive happens. Additional con, I have SO much anxiety. Apparently this is what happens when your brain has to do the job of your pancreas. *while typing this last night I realized something had gotten Very Fucked Up with my insulin pump supply order, which so derailed me that I had to save this as a draft and come back to it a day later. Which gives a bad impression of the competence I'm describing, but the supplier for my insulin pump supplies is so incompetent that it negates all of my efforts on a regular basis. **my insulin pump breaking and the ensuing anxiety spiral around choosing a new one is the thing that finally got me to find a therapist. Which, thank god I did, but still.

7. what scares you the most and why? I didn't mean for the last question to segue into this when I started answering it, but see above for one of the top contenders. I'm afraid of a lot of things, to the point where I can't often articulate what specifically scares me about a situation, but "catastrophic failure of the medical device keeping me alive" is pretty clear-cut. The fact that I've been through it once and survived it does not seem to help. I do actually have contingency plans in place in the event of something like that happening again (I have to keep a whole separate kind of insulin around that I keep throwing away without using it just in case my pump breaks and I have to go back to injections. Which makes me furious, but that's another post) but it's still terrifying.

17. name 3 things that make you happy Thank god this question is last haha, I need to recover from the first two.

Singing! And music in general, but getting to be Part Of The Music is a nice bonus. It has been really good to have a group of people to sing with on a regular basis, and now that I live by myself I can just wander around the house singing whenever I want.

Going for walks in the park. I was so mad when I accidentally tricked myself into having a regular exercise routine a few years ago (this was also for diabetes anxiety related reasons) but yeah it turns out that going outside for my silly little lunch break walk is good for my mood as well as my blood sugar. Also sometimes I get asked for directions by tourists and it feels nice if I can actually help them.

Weirdly specific one, but people remembering my dietary restrictions (have to eat gluten free in addition to being diabetic) and cooking me food or choosing a restaurant to accommodate them without having to be reminded. Some of my friends (who cook a lot of stir fry and other rice-based stuff) keep a bottle of tamari around specifically so they can use it instead of soy sauce if I'm coming over.

[possessionisamyth]

Every time I see the occasional floating SU post talking about how no one understood The Point, I both get it and immediately recognize that, due to the complex hate vortex created on tumblr during its run, people have selective memory for what legitimate and illegitimate criticisms were being made for the show. Heres a short list, do not add to it:

-the racism from outside and inside the house (human zoo full of brown people, entire bismuth plotline, white people saying garnet isn't black "shes an alien" which also happened for all of her fusions, blatant silencing of black teens written of as "the discourse" whenever they made decent talking points about anything, etc)

-people crucifying rebecca sugar for drawing illicit material as a minor (something a lot of ppl who do art or likes art makes or consumes when they get really into drawing or shipping)

-people shouting "rebecca sugar is jewish! she knows what she's doing" to any criticism at all to silence other people just engaging with the show and stating things they didn't like about certain episodes

-the reveal of rose quartz, the beautiful fat character we spent all this time learning bits and pieces about, being a skinny tall girl(pink diamond) in essentially a fat suit

-homophobic and transphobic people capitalizing on the discourse tags to shout louder and louder about small things that'd go under the radar of any other show further poisoning the cesspool (dumb shit like peridot being child coded)

-how the SU crew handled advertising when they really shouldn't have been doing any marketing ( the concrete reveal and immediate backtracking) and I do blame CN for not doing more actual marketing and trying to bank on social media clout with animators who are not equiped for this

-people asking for lowered stakes when it comes to the diamonds whole schtick because of the implications, and they could predict what the showrunners would do based on previous plotlines

-people upset because during a time where we were getting a fascism free sample(drump), the imaginary fascists get a handshake and a "okay, restorative justice time" moment

-severe lack of understanding that the show was cut short due to the ruby/sapphire wedding, and the movie and sequel series was an attempt to make up for it, and i can't say whether or not this was done well because I dropped out of SU before the movie dropped

In summary, I do think Steven Universe was important. It did do a lot of things well, and it helped open more doors for other creators to do more fun gay and trans stuff in their shows including handling difficult topics. Whether those other shows handle ALL those topics well isn't something I'm going to waste my breath on. If the writing captivates me then it captivates me, and now whether or not it's good is always second to whether or not I find it fun.

My little brother and I watched SU together like we did Gravity Falls and Adventure Time, and I was able to use the metaphor of Stevonnie to explain my nonbinary status to him without any issue. However, at some point for me, I stopped finding the show fun, and I know for a lot of people sucked into the tumblr hate vortex that meant they had to equate the show as Bad.

I don't know if I'll sit myself down and watch the movie or follow up series, but this isn't because I think they're bad. I simply have gotten back into actual adult fiction books and comics, so a lot of YA or kids content haven't been hitting those same brain spots with me like they used to when I was a minor or a young 20 something trying to figure out how to be a person.

There's more I could say about how lgbt+ writing and art is held under a tighter microscope than the most milquetoast cishet content, but there's already dozens of posts floating around that explain it better than I feel like doing at this hour.

What I will say though, is if you loved SU at first and you started to hate it, like genuinely hate it, maybe take the time to figure out when the hate started, what caused that hatred, and why you hated it, especially now that you don't have every other post on your feed talking about how SU sucks yelling in your ear.

[killemwithkawaii]

[This was a submission by @meadow-hearthfire but tumblr doesn't like publishing submissions for some reason 🤡]

Mitch, would you give this video a watch or at least a listen? Emily Artful offers some artist advice in it.

Oh, and before you check out her content, I gotta offer a content warning: Emily Artful is a mom of two kids, so a few of her videos contain pregnancy and some feature her kids, including a vlog of after she just had her first kid. As of submitting this to you, her oldest (nicknamed "Bini") is about five years old and her youngest (nicknamed "Wiggy") is about two.

--------------------------------------

A Note From K.E.W.K.:

>This is a great video. I feel her SO MUCH! I have definitely undertaken HUGE projects that I vastly underestimated the timeframe/workload for and it ended up biting me in the ass. (I think it's something that all artists do tbh) 😓

>Those of you who have been around the blog for a while probably know about my yearly goretober undertaking. Its a self-indulgent passion project and an enormous labor of love that I'm overall pretty proud of, but no matter how hard I work during those times or how well everything turns out, I'm always left super burnt out at the end and HATE what I've created because it never lives up to the unrealistic expectations I had for the project, which leads to me beating myself up about how it should have been better (despite me knowing that I sincerely gave it my all). I have cried during every goretober event (managed to make it until the 26th this year!🥇) and have reached points mid-event where I wanted to say 'fuck it' and stop before it was finished, but I've managed to push through each time because, even if it didn't turn out perfect, I knew it was worth finishing (even if the home stretch was fueled by spite lol). After it's done, I always need to take a big step back, and then I revisit it with a fresh perspective when I'm ready. Even though it might not have ended up like I wanted, I usually end up appreciating my work for what it turned out to be once those negative feelings have calmed a little. After all, the audience can't see the vision in your head, just the work you put out there, so they'll just enjoy it for what it is! ^^

>I also really like that she says that it's okay to feel those negative feelings about projects that 'failed'. Being told/ telling yourself to cheer up and not feel down about something never actually helps you feel better, it just makes you feel bad about feeling bad, which makes it very hard to stop feeling bad! It's much better to feel your feelings so you can process them instead of burying them, even if it's hard at the time. It's also good to remember that, whenever you do something, there is always a chance of 'failure', and the best way to handle that is to look at it as an opportunity to learn what went wrong so you can do better next time. A master had failed more times than a novice has tried (that's the only way to become a master!) ✅

>DO NOT THROW AWAY YOUR '''''BAD'''' ART!! EVER!!! You will look back on it someday and be able to say, 'wow, I sure have come a long way! c:' and you would be surprised how much it might mean to other people. I have boxes of sketch books dating back to when I was a tween, and it's absolutely crazy to see how much improvement I've made over the past 15 years. Hell, I look back at the art I made 3 years ago and think the same thing! But, I don't delete those drawings because I did my very best on them at the time, and despite the flaws I see in them now, they mean a lot to other people, which means a lot to me 🤗💖💖💖

Thanks so much for sharing this with me, Meadow! I really appreciate it :D

[spynorth]

Pspspspsps? Hey, you. Dumblr's biggest bully ever, who's actually just a rare honest force here that snowflakes can't handle so you run around with the big bad stamp on ur head. Anyway. I just pop in to remind me of my appreciation for you, your writing and your absolute willpower to beat the shit life pours onto you. I've learnt myself throughout life that humor is your strongest suit in dealing with shit. It helps you survive. So please, never ever lose your brilliant sense of humor, okay? I adore you. Really do ♥

@langdhon ava! i'm late to this, I really am (as you know), but I've been hoarding it because it made me grin like an idiot whenever I would scroll past it in my inbox. i laughed out loud at biggest bully ever because you've been around long enough to know its true. In all seriousness, I'm so glad we ran into one another again (weirdly enough, after we had both branched into something other than fantasy, ha!) and I was so happy to see that you still crafted such amazing stories. You've blown me away from day one all those years ago and that hasn't changed. I love what you've created with andy ofc (both on alice and now morpheus too!) but your portrayal sticks out beyond that as well. Idk if i'm wording it correctly but the nuances of michael that i love seeing displayed in his relationship with alice are still present in other dynamics (just in different ways) and I love that. he's never one dimensional, he's never just the cardboard cutout of the michael given on the show .. you've developed him and made him your own little gremlin.. which is the goal of rp, i feel like. It's easy to parrot canon and nothing but canon but its another thing entirely to build upon its layers and end up with something flavored by your own creation and touch and you've pulled that off time and time again. I knew you too well to be surprised by that haha. I'm glad I make you laugh ! I love writing but I love making people laugh even more so tumblr rp kind of gives me that avenue to try both. I'm so glad you're around on my dash again and I'm so grateful I know you

[scribeforchrist-blog]

He's Turning It All Around

MEMORY VERSE OF THE WEEK
=========================
+ Psalms 56:3- Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You.
=========================
VERSE OF THE DAY
========================
+ James 5:13 Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise.
=========================
** SAY THIS BEFORE YOU READ; HERE’S SOME CHRISTIAN TRUTHS **
I AM LOVED
I AM COMPLETE
I HAVE PEACE IN GOD
I AM FEARLESS
********************************
THOUGHTS:
=======================
  We like to blame the bad times on God and the good times on him too; I have had moments in my life when I could've thought this is from the enemy, but a of times what happens is in our life, God wills it, and because of our own selfish, foolish ways, we allow our flesh to show us what we think we need to do. 
  We have to always talk to the Lord about how we feel; we can't allow our flesh to lead us down the wrong road; the verse today tells us that God creates the good and the bad. And no one is stopping those two things, and we have to always pray for God's will upon our life and how to handle it, too. That's what's happening today: we aren't prepared; this world is too busy looking for the next big thing, or money, cars, homes, etc, but what about getting prepared for the first home, which is heaven?
  Deuteronomy 8:3 And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord."
  The word of God tells us we don't live by bread alone, but by what comes from the mouth of God; we can think our good fortune is what makes us whole and what makes us better than the rest, but it doesn't, God rains on the justice just like he does the injustice. When the bad comes, we have to look at it as what God is trying to tell us: what does he want me to change, or what did my flesh lead me to? God is such a fantastic God; sometimes bad happens to stop other situations from happening that are far worse than the one we are dealing with!
  James 5:13 Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise.
  It tells us here during the times that we are suffering, we must pray, be cheerful, and sing praises; we can't let what's happening to us cause us to feel differently towards God; we have to praise him when the bad comes and praise him when the good comes, and most importantly pray constantly about your affairs, a lot of us get so upset when we are in the season of suffering, as long we refuse to pray during this time and turn our back on God, the longer we will be in this season, and yes suffering will come my friends, heartache, and sickness all this will happen because it's life but while we are here on this earth Paul says this
 ‭" For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. "2 Corinthians‬ ‭4‬:‭17‬"
 He said it is LIGHT AND MOMENTARY, and our eternal glory outweighs it all; he is saying to stay focused on God and what's ahead, not what's happening! Be it good or evil, God is in control, and that's hard to understand, but as we grow in God, we will start to see that and start to let go and start to change our view.
  Paul isn't saying what we are going through isn't necessary, but he is saying don't allow what's happening to change how you view your relationship with God or how you handle the terrible things that are happening.
  Psalm 30:12 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!
 

God will turn our tears into dancing, and he will turn our sackcloth into gladness; when something happened in the days that this was written they would often time seen a person with sackcloth on, they were mourning, they were upset, but God will turn every bit of that into praise when we walk with him. It's easy to turn around; anyone can get ready to leave doing a rough time , but a well-disciplined man or woman of God walks with him through the valley of shadow death. Will you walk with him? Will you continue to hold on ??
 ‭‭ ***Today, we learn that what we are dealing with and what we are going through, God can turn it all around. Sometimes, that's hard to believe, but it's possible. We must never forget that whatever situation we are in, no matter what we feel, we must trust God. We must hold on to the promises that God has given us. The enemy wants us to think that God has deserted us and that we are alone, but we aren't. God wants us to stick with him and, most importantly, lean on him. Don't be afraid, and don't allow fear to overshadow you; allow God to protect and guide you through everything; he will turn it around. ©Seer~ Prophetess Lee
========================
PRAYER
========================
Heavenly Father, help us stay strong despite pain, sickness, and situations. It helps us not to give up but to believe you will turn it all around for our good. Lord, we trust and rely on you for everything. Forgive us if the sins we have done help us to be more like you, Lord. The enemy may come, but we know you're there, and you care for us! The enemy might attack, but we know you will protect us. Lord, give us strength to push forward and comfort so we know you there in Jesus' Name, Amen.
========================
REFERENCES
========================

+ Psalm 34:19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

+ John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world

+ 2 Timothy 3:12 Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted

========================
FURTHER READINGS
=========================

PROVERBS 6

JUDGES 7

JOHN 12

HOSEA 5

=======================

[harajuku-cookie]

I'm sorry, I just need to let out some steam before I either lose my dinner or burst into tears.

I have been going through a really rough period in my life. Honestly it's been like that for a while now and it feels like whenever I try to fix things they just fall apart all over again. Or even if something good happens, it's like the universe has to balance out by having something bad happen right afterwards and honestly it makes things very discouraging. I mean, I still push myself to do stuff, even if I don't have the motivation because of my mental health or the energy because of my physical health, but god is it hard. And there's no one to rely on for help, but myself to get out of the hole.

I'm still dealing with the aftermath of cutting out my dad from my life, again. I've already tried doing it several times these past 6 years, but my mom has been dragging him back in because he's my dad and he needs to step up and act like it with me, blah blah blah, even though I've never needed him and still don't. At least after the passing of my half-sister this past October and him not having any kind of reaction about it finally got it through her head to stop pushing him back in my life and now I finally might have some peace. Maybe the decades old wound can finally heal and I can go on with my life. I still have flashbacks from time to time, but hopefully with time they'll go away.

And then there's also me stressing out about my upcoming surgery next month. It's gonna create a major change in my life, physically, mentally, and emotionally, but I've been fighting for this procedure for years now because I cannot handle being in so much agonizing pain anymore. I've lost so many years of my life to it and missed out on so much and I just want my life back. I have talked it out with my doctors and have gotten a second opinion and everything and I've never been more sure of anything in my life. But then there's people out there who make comments that I'm making a mistake, asking if there's other options (I've exhausted EVERYTHING already), or pitying me for what'll happen and saying things like, "Oh if only you had the money to create a backup option." Yeah, real nice coming from someone much more well off than me financially. Not that I even want that backup option in the first place.

Then there's me trying to make sure I'll have everything in time for the surgery. Honestly the post-op has me more worried than the actual surgery itself. What if I accidentally tear open my incisions? What if the major stitch tears and I end up needing emergency surgery before my organs fall out (it's rare, but it can happen)? What if I get a major infection? What if something happens and my mom, who's planning on being my caretaker, can't help me? I've been under anesthesia, but not under the knife, so that's why I have so many worries. I do have a cousin who has had the same procedure, just different method, and while it's nice to talk to her about this and feel reassured, the trauma she faced from it has made my mom worry, which in turn starts making me worry. But honestly, the thing that scares me the most is what if the surgery doesn't get rid of the pain? What if I'm stuck with the pain until I'm an old woman? I mean, there have been cases, but most of the ones I've read people have been saying they feel much better and they have their life back, so I'm trying to focus on those more instead.

And while I'm healing, I have to hurry up and find a very well paying job because bills are gonna stack up and the place I'm living in is crap and falling apart and the landlord hasn't done anything to fix it, despite multiple complaints from all the tenants, and will most likely need to move out and rent is super expensive right now. I feel like I'm not gonna even have time to breathe.

And finally, just in general, I've been feeling so alone and like a failure. People I used to know are in relationships or getting married, buying homes, traveling, going out and living life. Heck, even my best friend is doing pretty well and while I'm happy for them and I know life's not a race, I can't help but feel like I'm so behind and that I'm not doing things right. I barely talk to people, being chronically ill doesn't help, and when I get the chance it gets overwhelming sometimes and then I'm ignored and pushed to the side or I just sound like an idiot with my speech problem. It makes me just not want to say anything at all.

I just needed to get all of this off my chest. Life is rough right now and I feel like I'm stuck in a hole with no way of getting out, but I still feel in my heart that things will get better. I don't know when or how, but hopefully this year will be the year. I'll let myself cry it out for now, but then I have to get up, dust myself off, and keep moving forward like I've always done.

[nedlittle]

for the color asks: gray and claret <3

grey: how many languages do you speak? do you want to learn any more?

alas i am monolingual. i took french from grades 4-10 (granted 6 of those years were mandatory) and yet i am hopeless at it. depending on the context i could maybe read a webpage or a children's book and understand the gist but i have a bit of a speech impediment which gets even worse with french bc of the pronounciation (and lack thereof). any word over 3 syllables i really have trouble with. tried relearning it last summer with duolingo for work and oh boy i was not good :( would love to be able to speak any other language. also pls note that i do not wish i could speak french out of choice it's so that i can be employable and whenever french speakers come into the lighthouse i feel bad i cannot properly communicate with them

claret: do you play an instrument? do you want to learn to play any?

again i'm really showing my ass here by being a talentless hack but i swear to god i'm like. musically illiterate. if you put any instrument in front of me i will create the worst sound you will ever heard. one time i was at a music store with friends and there was this instrument that was apparently impossible to play wrong (before you ask i do not remember what it was) and guess what i found a way to play it wrong!

my aunt has a piano so when i was a kid i would go over all the time and futz around on it but nobody ever thought about teaching me even though it was RIGHT THERE so i can't even really do a scale + could only play with my right hand because i have no coordination and my left hand is functionally useless in everything anyway + sheet music is like hieroglyphics to me so if i wanted to play maybe three bars of edelweiss i'd have to have my aunt write out the letters for the notes which were also labelled on a piece of slidy cardboard above the keys and even then i was bad. it didn't help that two or three of the keys were broken and it was probably out of tune when i was a child so the sound was weird. i have a vivid memory of being a kid and getting a black eye from a stocking holder falling on my face and then blacking the other eye literally the next day because i went over to my aunt's and the piano lid fell on my face somehow.

i tried to learn flute in grade 7 because we were required to choose from flute, trumpet, clarinet, and trombone and i had to stay inside for recess because i was SOOOO bad at even making sound let alone trying to read the music. most stressful experience of my life. wish my parents had decided i needed to learn an instrument to build character because i think if i learned young enough when my brain was still elastic i'd actually be able to do something but alas :/ my favourite instrument is the cello so in an ideal world i would play the cello but i think if i had to actually choose an instrument i would choose violin because dude my fucked up back could not handle hunching over a cello all day and my arms are too weak to carry one.

[anawrites3]

PLEEEASE always write whatever you want in answer, even whole ass fanfiction, I love your mind!! I can't stop thinking about sad, little, beautiful thing Prince Richard will be on his wedding day <33

Fkgudkgigh THANK YOU, I love your mind too!! 💕 I'm having royal brainriot because of you now so have this as a little treat 🥰

/ / / / /

Dick couldn't tear his eyes away from the mirror.

The white silks were hugging his frame, lovely and very expensive. They almost looked as if they were created out of snow, so magical and beautiful that Dick couldn’t believe they were real. The cloak on his shoulders was white as well, heavy with the fine fur sewn to the hood, sheltering him from the weather that was so much colder here than back home.

It was the time of the last fitting, the last chance to make sure everything was perfect. His maids, together with the royal seamstress, left a while ago to fetch something - he couldn’t pay them enough attention to know what it was.

Dick took a shaky breath, straightening his shoulders. He looked so good. He couldn’t remember the last time he was wearing something so nice, something he liked as well, that Bruce didn’t have to force him in.

He was to get wed tomorrow. Just one more day before he was to become Slade Wilson’s consort.

His hands didn’t tremble as much at the thought now but his breath was still hitching in nerves whenever he got reminded of the fact. Well, it’s not like he could ever forget about it, it’s just... Dick tried not to think about it too hard.

The door behind him creaked quietly and Dick turned around to face-

“Y-your Majesty!” he breathed in shock, quickly stepping away and trying to hide from Slade’s gaze. “You shouldn’t see me before the wedding.”

Slade ignored him. Instead of turning away, covering his eyes, anything, he walked into the room, closer and closer until he stopped right in front of Dick. They were so close that Dick could feel his hot breath on his cheek and every thought about running away vanished from Dick’s mind when Slade grabbed his chin between his fingers. His head was lifted with surprising gentleness, leaving Dick no other choice than to look his soon-to-be husband in the eye.

“You and your silly customs.” Slade muttered with a wolfish grin and Dick stopped breathing. “I’d see you soon enough anyway.”

“I-it brings bad luck.” Dick tried weakly and Slade just hummed.

His grey eye slid off Dick’s face and looked over the young prince’s attire. He seemed satisfied with what he saw but he still didn’t let Dick go, didn’t let him move away. He just... he just held him and looked at him, making Dick feel more like his prey with each passing second.

“Don’t you look nice.” Slade purred. He looked back at Dick’s face and his smirk widened at the sight of his blush.

Dick looked down, no longer able to handle how close they were standing. “Thank you, Your Majesty...”

“I’m really looking forward to tomorrow, my prince.”

.

(And you know what I'm thinking about right now? About other princes that were interested in Dick, the ones Bruce chased away earlier, coming to visit Dick during/after the wedding and Slade acting like a possessive motherfucker he is 👀)

Part 1 Part 3

[tumblezwei]

Idk how to open this but the Enemy music video is such a wonderful piece of work to analyze Powder's character and I can't get over it. Especially the ending part after the rap.

Like, I need to lay this out in a way that makes sense. So first off, the personality of "Jinx," that revels in violence, loves playing pranks and mean tricks on people, acts completely unbothered by people trying to get in her head, is a coping mechanism. A very obvious coping mechanism. But the way that Enemy presents that personality becoming more pronounced in Powder is really interesting to me.

We see the occasional shot of Jinx in the music video before, but after the bridge we get this.

This is the first time we see a prolonged shot of Jinx where she is the forefront of the scene. Powder is fighting her off at first. She flails around, she screams, she hits herself on the head, but Jinx won't go away. when Jinx gets her moment, she sings along with the music and her eyes flash pink.

And then we get a whole host of interesting shots, starting with thisPowder, alone, surrounded by enemies she's too weak to fight.

Powder continues to try and fight off Jinx, but then something interesting happens. We see a projection of Powder over herself who;s singing along to the song, before the projection cuts off, and Powder herself begins to sing. She then fades into the background, which is replaced by a giant projection of Jinx. Powder beats at the image, desperately trying to tear it down before sliding down in defeat.

This is the transition. Powder's fears, her weakness, her insecurities at her utter uselessness are becoming too much for her to bear. And so Jinx, a persona Powder created who isn't afraid, who is capable and powerful, someone who can deal with all of the things Powder can't, takes over. And we get this.

Jinx stands over Powder, looking confidently at her opponents, because why would she be scared? If Powder can't beat them, then let Jinx handle it. And then these next two shots are my favorites.

In the first we see Jinx, alone and confident, as enemies are forced back by the first of her. This is Jinx completely in her element, reveling in the power she feels as she wreaks havoc for her enemies. And then you see a slight slump in her shoulders as the enemies fall to the ground. And when all of them are dead and there's no one left to fight, we see Powder. Small, weak Powder, who's still there, still inside of Jinx and only able to reveal herself when there's no need to be strong.

Jinx is at first something that Powder doesn't want. Jinx is an acknowledgement of the anger and fear she feels at being totally helpless while her big sister is so capable. Earlier in the song whenever Powder tried to let some of that anger out, or let some confidence show, it was immediately contrasted against a shot of her being unable to do anything but stand and watch as her brother gets beat up, or as her and Vi get searched by enforcers. But when Vi left and all Powder had was her anger, Jinx became a source of comfort. When Powder can't deal with her own emotions, Jinx is there to be a source of refuge. She doesn't have to think as Jinx, she doesn't have to feel bad for the people she kills or dwell on her trauma. All she has to do is shoot her gun and throw her bombs. But she can't get rid of herself. Powder is always there inside her, no matter how hard she tries to ignore it. And in those quiet moments when Jinx isn't needed, Powder is still left all alone with her anger and her sorrow.