#and when i've had time i haven't had the energy for anything but playing videogames

[duthea]

What are the other protags like?

Since I've already talked about the gen 1-5 protags here, I'll talk about X, Moon and Sword!

X is a girl who moved from Viridian City to Kalos, and decided her goal is to become the most stylish girl in all of Kalos. Inwardly, she's pretty insecure, but she's a believer in "fake it 'til you make it" and has gotten really good at pretending she's the most self-confident person you've ever met. She loves fashion and clothes, but had a long period in her childhood when she was unable to dress how she really wanted, because she just... couldn't rack up the courage. Also she's trans, which of course played a part too. (Fun fact! I didn't originally intend that, but after looking over her backstory and everything, I realized a lot of it seemed to fit, so I figured I might as well make it official. I sometimes realize a character I've created is trans years and years after originally making them, so any of my OCs could honestly be trans without me knowing yet. I guess they gotta come out to me too.)

Her main rival is Trevor, who she just can't get along with, but she becomes instant besties with Y (Calem) who she feels like she's on a similar wavelength with. She's also friends with Silver from before she left to Kalos, and they still talk to each other and visit each others' Animal Crossing towns. (Yeah AC exists in Pokemon world, don't think about it too hard)

Next is Moon! She's got a twin brother named Sun, and at first glance they seem like the same person in two bodies: Equally excitable, precocious, and use a lot of similar phrases. They're both gay and develop crushes fast, and tease each other about said crushes. But as their Pokemon journey begins, they start going their own ways and developing differently. One difference between the twins is while Sun is usually impulsive and quick to act but regrets his impulsiveness afterwards, Moon is slower to act, cautious at first, but once she decides to do something after thinking it over she does it full steam, not looking back.

Moon got a crush on Lillie from basically the moment she met her. She also met Red and Green early on in her journey and asked them to mentor her as a Pokemon trainer.

Here's their family tree, btw, since I happened to have it drawn. Their father works as a scientist in the Aether Corporation. By the way, their surname, Akasha, is the fifth classical element in old Indian cosmology, similar in concept to Aether. Lillie and Gladion are also twins in this AU (because I thought they were twins when playing the game ._.,), so the Aether twins and Akasha twins kind of mirror and contrast each other in some ways!

Finally, Sword. Sword is an unflappable-seeming girl who grew up in the Crown Tundra. She's got an obvious scottish accent and a tendency to make jokes with a deadpan tone and a straight face, as well as say anything else with a deadpan tone and a straight face. She's not really all that big on the Pokemon League Challenge, but since her best friend Hop is so excited about it, she decided to become a Pokemon Trainer and join in too.

Sword's parents are divorced, and her dad is Chairman Rose, who's far too busy to have time to spend with his daughter, so their meetings are often awkward. Also, Sword's mom has been spending more time with Peony, Rose's brother, and it seems like they might be getting together, so their family tree is going to be a bit complicated ^^; (yeah I decided to give Rose maximum divorce energy in this AU. it just fits) The fact that Sword is Rose's daughter is usually kept hidden from the media, so nobody around them really knows about it unless told. So when Bede tells Sword that he's practically already adopted by Chairman Rose, Sword just goes 'oh ok then' and starts calling him her brother without explaining why, which annoys the hell out of Bede.

And that's about it! I haven't talked about their Pokemon, but there's a rule of thumb: All of my protagonists (except Grey) have their region's grass starter. Not always as their first Pokemon, though!

[by-ethan-fox]

So I saw Gundam Seed FREEDOM...

... and honestly it defies analysis.

I will avoid spoilers for major plot elements in this write-up.

I'm a huge Gundam fan. This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who has followed my work for a long time, as I frequently bring it up, even in entirely inapplicable situations.

But even though I've been a fan since the late 90s, I'd never had a chance to see any of it in the cinema - so when AllTheAnime organised a special short run of the movie for UK theatres, I jumped at the chance.

What I saw surprised me.

To clarify, I'm not one of those Gundam fans who hates SEED. Sure, I love the UC, but I'm not gonna lie, Wing was my genesis within the fandom so I'm as likely to watch G-Gundam as 08th MS Team, though I do lean towards the grittier side of the franchise, with War in the Pocket being my favourite entry.

But most relevant to this is that while I enjoyed SEED, I've always been critical of Destiny for some really bizarre plotting that, frankly, kinda left the CE timeline in a mess. Like many fans, with the show having been off the air for nearly two decades, I gave up on the idea the movie might exist literally years ago.

With all that out of the way...

The movie does exist. Finally. And is it good? Bad?

The weird thing is I don't know what to say, and that's weird for a writer.

It's awesome. It's terrible. It's goofy. It's clever. It's idiotic. It's bizarre.

But it's over 2 hours long and, honestly, I was never bored, which I guess is a success?

Perhaps most surprisingly, the movie expends ZERO ENERGY on helping you if you haven't seen the near-100-episodes of CE anime which came before this. Like, if you haven't seen SEED and or Destiny, you are just utterly fucked. The show wheels characters and plot-beats from the prior material in-and-out in a manner I could best call aggressive. I last watched Destiny about ~7 years ago, and I'm a self-admitted Gundam nerd; but even I had to look up a few things on my phone afterwards.

Then, fan-service. Of both kinds. All sorts of things get pulled out of cold storage for the movie... But it works. Though that also stands as a testament to how this is, in the truest sense, a 2004 anime throwback. I actually heard some people in the cinema groaning at some of the Gainax Bouncing going on; but then given the jiggly silhouette in EVERY OPENING TO SEED, frankly it would've been stranger if it had been absent.

I think the movie has loads of problems. Even by CE standards, some of the storytelling was really goofy and dare-I-say-it, "cringe". It recycles probably too much and certainly doesn't stand on its own as a piece of media (though that's not so much a failing as a clear, conscious choice).

Also... It has that "anime movie" thing where the plot feels a bit filler. The first time you have this new guy on the scene with shock-white hair, being all edgelord as he talks about war and destiny and fencing or some other weird metaphor you kinda see the entire movie unfurl before you. If you're a longtime anime fan this isn't so much your first rodeo as your daily commute.

From there, the story takes numerous predictable turns, dips liberally into melodrama, sets up some great Mobile Suit fights, with relatively few surprises (note, however, I'm not saying "no surprises", as there are some, and also, I'm not suggesting it's tedious).

And yet...

It's fun.

It's really, really fun.

That's the crux of all this. That's what really matters. And honestly, when that new theme comes out of the speakers, sounding in perfect key with the types of music that ran through SEED's run, and Kira's onscreen, and he's locking onto a dozen targets and beams are spamming everywhere and everything's exploding in that weird pink way that things in SEED explode...

Have you ever tried to play a videogame from the 90s that you haven't played in years? And do you know how touch-and-go that is?

Gundam Seed FREEDOM is, if I'm to compare it to anything, like that.

But thankfully, it's one of the times when your memories might have been optimistic, but they're not wrong. That game may be a bit crude, a bit rough around the edges, and have more boob and ass jiggle than you recall... But it's good. So good that you find yourself sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of your console, grinning like an absolute loon, until it's 2am and you can no longer feel your feet.

If you have fond memories of the SEED era of the Gundam franchise, don't miss it.

[therhythmafterthesummer]

Rhythm posting any writing: enjoy! :)

Me: ah shit here we go again *rereads the whole work from the beginning with all the additional scenes*

I love your writing style sooooo much, it feels like a mug of hot tea on a cold autumn evening while sitting in your favourite armchair, blanket on, petting your purring cat. Such warmth and comfort just from the words on the screen!

I always wonder, how do you choose what story to continue? You have some unfinished stories, do you just go with whatever you feel like writing or choose the one that you decided you need to update before writing something else? Do you have any rituals before writing, like making tea in a special cup? A playlist? What does your writing process look like? I'm so curious about it! ~🖤

hahahahhaha ngl, that first comment made me chuckle. and then i almost cried with that second paragraph. makes me really happy that you perceive my writing that way.

i wish i had a system that helped me tackle my long list of wips, but honestly i just go with whatever my goblin brain desires. which is, unfortunately, not very efficient lol.

the way my creative process had "worked" so far is that i hyperfixate on a concept/scene and that just gave me enough energy/brainpower to keep me working on something. that method isn't working anymore, and i'm struggling heavily with executive dysfunction (which has been affecting other parts of my life besides my beloved hobbies, but that's a different matter).

technically i do have like a priority list (recently, i try to not have more than three WIPs in that list. everything else is put on pause) and i jump from one work to the other depending on what the little lizard that controls my brain wants to work on. i've been writing, just very little on different projects at a time, so it's sloooowwww, but at least it's something!

i def would like to find something that could help me keep the habit, but at the same time i kinda feel like i can't really force it, so idk 🤷‍♀️

also, i don't think i've got any rituals 🤔 i prefer to write in silence as that allows me to immerse in the scene i might be working on, but sometimes if my thoughts are too chaotic, i do play some background music. i can't listen to people speak/sing and write at the same time, so usually when i do that i go for videogame osts that either fit the vibe of the fic or that are my comfort games (catch me listening to the entire twilight princess soundtrack while trying to write something just because it calms me down lol).

something that has kinda worked for me and has allowed me to write those few words i've written these past few months, it's having two separate documents for the same work.

one of the docs just has ideas, outlines, detached scenes, scenes out of order, and it's just overall a chaotic mess. then there's the "clean" doc, where the story is being written in order and more "polished". i used to just have everything in a single doc, but the chaos was messing up with my head, so i found that having that clean version helped me keep the flow. i work with a dual window set-up, with the messy doc on the left and the clean one on the right. dunno why, it just gives me a bit more peace lol

lately, i've kinda wondered if i should take my laptop somewhere that isn't my home and try to write, or if i should find a new place to sit specifically to write, but i haven't really done anything tbh. i'm always just on the sofa, keeping that pristine shrimp posture and hoping for the best lol (don't be like me. i'm in pain constantly because i just can't sit normally)

this is probably unnecessarily long, but i already typed it, so it's staying 🤭🤭🤭

[spaceoperetta]

today I learned a new phrase!

tw suicide, long post where I talk about how awful I've been feeling

'passively suicidal.'

of all things, I saw it on a twitter post about kendall roy

and, uh, that's what I'm going through right now I'm having a bad time.

I'll be fine I'm not going to do anything but I have cried every day for the last two weeks. don't give yourself constant jaw pain by letting a new-to-me dentist file down the side of your tooth. (I needed a filling replaced early bc of pain but it was nothing compared to this, I'm so stupid and instantly knew something was wrong after, I legit got home and wanted to hurt myself, but when I called the dentist back they wanted to file more shit down to fix it and, no.)

Ways to fix it run anywhere from 'get the filling adjusted by a different, trusted professional' (done, but they can't build up what was ground down) to 'try a mouth guard' (better but doesn't fix the issue) and I guess I'll need a crown or to cope with unending pain in my jaw for the rest of my life. except they make crowns off your current tooth and it's not right! and I got a filling since then elsewhere! something I am utter shit at because I caused it by saying yes it's not like I was hit by a car

hurts to talk, no singing from me, and I still can't do all that much shit with my wrists and therefore hands because, still recovering from wrist surgery. and my neck's been hurting for two months.

going to see a new therapist next week, at least. unfortunately due to my first hand POV of my siblings extensive health issues I always think my health issues will never go away/get worse. because that's been my past two years and also my past six months

anyway turns out 'passively suicidal' is the correct phrase for what I went through in college due to my whole breakdown and it's back except I'm not in school and it's in my body and even though I know it doesn't matter, they're issues I caused myself, one way or another. (and that's what's driving me crazy with self-loathing amidst the pain)

working on fixing things but I have no energy and mostly just sit around like a lump and crying a lot. I need a routine but that's hard when all I want to do is sleep or do nothing, barely keeping on with 'massage healing surgery site 3x a day' my first one was at 2pm today.

so, uh, I'm feeling up there with said college breakdown for worse consistent feeling in life. I'm not going to do anything I just feel sad and upset and awful most of the time either that or nothing and I have successfully zoned out for a few hours watching streams or internet videos. I have trouble imagining any future for myself, career-wise, personal life-wise, anything. I've never been good at that, and granted, I've spent more of my adult life being depressed than being productive.

anyway, hopefully like the mountain goats say, there will come a day when I will feel better, but when that day's coming, who can say?

I got some prozac from my pcp but haven't started it yet due to imagined, easily resolved barriers

I just feel like if I don't fix things it'll be like this forever and this will never go away. because it's fucking jaw pain and I have to fix the bite issue. my orthodontist said my bite's always been shit and my dentist said my bite is 'perfect' and uh I believe one of the more than the other.

I've just had a lot of health issues this year and half of them were caused by saying 'yes' to something I shouldn't have and now I'm in pain and the other half were 'so you played too many videogames two years ago to distract from the desire to self harm and now you just think about how that harmed you even more than that moment of slapping yourself would have'

yes I know it's all stupid

[softie-rain]

Long vent you're free to ignore 👍🏻

I have this best friend. They're amazing, I've known him for almost three years now, and they're literally my comfort person. We'd spent weeks talking to each other, we talked, laughed, comforted each other. Everything. He lives in the usa, there's a 9 hours difference, but everytime one woke up the other was already awake, and so we'd go on talking until the other would go to bed just to start again. Weird, but it worked.

Of course there were days where we didn't talked to each other, but talking to them was literally my favourite thing to do. I felt like i had finally found my person. He helped me realize I was genderfluid when i didn't even knew what that meant, he helped me accepting that i was demisexual. They helped me when i was feeling extremely depressed, they were always there for me. And so was I. Always helped him, always supported them, never left each other. He's one of the few person I was 100% would never leave me, never doubted they loved me.

But lately something changed. It started this summer, we just started talking less and less. I didn't found it weird, it happens sometimes that we wouldn't talk for a while. But in the last month we barely spoke. I text him, they answer with the name energy, we exchange one or two texts and then he stops answering, and it's like they disappear.

I know they're fine because they post stories on insta and photos with his boyfriend, so i don't really get what happened. I know he has his issues, his problems, and i don't want to feel like I'm being the victim just because we barely talk anymore.

To pur a concrete example, I texted him a month ago about this "audition" i had, and he answered five days ago because i sent him a photo of a videogame i was playing. They replied stuff like "SO COOL!!!" and "I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!" I thanked him and he didn't texted anything back.

i texted him again today to say that i missed him, he replied saying I miss u too so much!!

I asked him how he was doing because we haven't spoke much lately, and he stopped texting again. It's been like this since july, and lately it got "worse". I just feel like they don't want to speak to me anymore and they don't wanna spend time with me, and i feel terribly alone. They were genuinely the only person who i felt like actually got me and even if i have two other best friends who are literally my life savers, i don't think I can go on without them.

Any time i felt like i had no one to talk to I'd text him, but now he could take literally weeks to text back. I don't want to make it look like it's their fault or anything, it's not. But we went from talking each day to barely talking anymore so I'm just confused and sad. That's all.

But at the same time i don't wanna depend on them. And fuck i basically do, and i feel so extremely clingy now. I have friends who probably love me. Why do i feel alone. I know people love me. I know it's my fault. But every time i think about this my head automatically says I'm doing it for attention, than I'm not actually alone and i just want to feel different.

BRO ATTENTION OF WHO THAT I CRY ALONE IN MY ROOM AT 4AM TF IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN i hate myself so fucking much.

[mysticdragon3md3]

I find it endlessly amusing how after 10 years, my OTPs have circled back onto the same type. lol

I realize the Blue Lions have Dedue, and Ashe used to be a commoner. But Ashe got adopted into a higher class. Meanwhile, the Golden Deer has 3 commoners who stay commoners.

And Yukimura probably had commoners serving under him, but Sengoku Basara (2009) takes a lot of time to emphasize that Masamune's commoner associates are named, get screentime, voice his effect on them, and spent time closely serving under him. Meanwhile, Yukimura's only named subordinates seem to also be lords or ninja, more than basic commoners.

When referring to "self-doubt & a phase of failing as a commander", I'm specifally referring to Sengoku Basara (2009) season 2 for Yukimura. That's pretty much most of what he does that season. And he made a critical decision error as a commander that got one of his major subordinates killed and probably also unnecessarily killed some of his other soldiers. Though I am vaguely aware that in one of the videogames, Yukimura similary spent most of the story in self-doubt, after thinking Takeda was dying, and I think he ran his army around doing actions without enough thought.

And of course, with Dimitri, I'm referring to his post-time-skip phase wherein he went full "boar" and refused to properly lead his army. Though after regaining more mental stability and becoming a proper general, he still gets haunted by self-doubts for the rest of his life.

When I spell "Strength" with a capital "S", I'm usually shortening my term "True Strength" and referring to both a mental and emotional fortitude, resilience, and frequently an iron resolve in Compassion. That's just my personal philosophy in defining "True Strength". Personally, I see 2 definitions of "strength" that both converge at Compassion, to define "True Strength". 1) In an amoral sense, strength is resilience in maintaining one's own "soul pattern"/emotions/resolve, without being swayed or influenced by outside forces to change. 2) In terms of defining strength as the ability to do what is most difficult, in my opinion, Compassion is the most difficult. Not only do acts of Compassion often cost a range of efforts from some to exorbitant, but it can also require the enacter to put themselves into a vulnerable position. So it is often something only the strong can afford, or survive, or disregard fears of being vulnerable or taken advantage of. Therefore, in my personal opinion, converging the 2 definitions into an unwavering resolve in Compassion, is my personal definition of "True Strength".

So when I categorize Date Masamune as having Strength, I mean he is unwavering in his resolve towards Compassion. Sengoku Basara 2009 takes a lot of instances to reiterate that Masamune cannot be swayed, his Resolve is unquestioning, no one can stop him, slow him, or change his mind. His catch phase is "pressing onward" (translated as "full speed ahead"). One of his first scenes is charging ahead, disregarding Katakura's warnings for caution. (Notice that in Judge End, this is framed as foolish brashness, but in Sengoku Basara 2009, Katakura smiles and continues following without worry, because he completely trusts Masamune's instincts and decision-making. Because everyone trusts Masamune 2009 to always make decisions based in the best ideals/Compassion.) This is reiterated throughout season 2, when Masamune makes allies and each of them ask him to change directions, but the most they can do is temporarily slow him down, because he doesn't stop moving forward. This Strength directed in outward Compassion towards others is almost unexpected after considering Masamune's historical backstory. One would think that someone betrayed by his mother would become disillusioned and spiteful towards the world. It's a basic supervillain backstory to be betrayed by a trusted figure, especially during fundamental development. But instead, Masamune seems to want only to protect others and bring the whole country under his command, so that the whole country of people can be under his umbrella of protection. The 2009 series only mentions his regret from one of his early battles where lots of his soldiers died, being his major motivation in protecting others, specifically his soldiers. But I've headcanon'ed a lot that can be extrapolated from his historical backstory, that when in conjunction to his actions in Sengoku Basara 2009, portrays a Masamune who has dedicated himself towards Compassion, despite his tragic backstory.

Similarly, Claude's backstory is tragic, yet he emerges with True Strength. I've heard criticisms within the fandom that Claude growing up experiencing so much bullying and discrimination against his being biracial, could not believably yield a person dedicated towards Compassion. But I think that's just brainwashing from too many supervillain tropes telling us that traumatized and mentally ill people invariably become villains. I've heard it's more realistic that people who have experienced trauma, tragedy, or some kind of pain, actually are more likely to increase their ability to empathize/sympathize with others, consequently becoming more compassionate. (Mentioned in https://youtu.be/bHe2seINnE0 at 2:03/9:09; https://youtu.be/zaZYDK1RcEU) Claude experienced descrimination and bullying; he explicitly explains in FE3H canon that he wants to create a world where no one else has to experience that same pain. I really don't see why this can be an unbelievable characterization to some people, when most of the world admires Batman for literally that same reason. And I think that characters, like Claude, who react to trauma and hardship with altruism, demonstrate a True Strength in their characters. They haven't been broken by their trauma. They not only survive, but survive as people who still want to care for others. (Also why I love Natsume Takashi.)

I was tempted to include Dimitri in the category of "Emerged from tragic backstory with Strength and vowing to make world where no one will experience same pain". But he didn't emerge with the same level of flawless Strength that Masamune and Claude did. Dimitri certainly did resolve to protect others from ever experiencing the pain that he felt, after the Tragedy of Duscur. But he was also not as mentally stable. He was so repressed and internally conflicted (concerning his feelings of vengence, or sadness that didn't know how to be expressed as anything but anger, lest he break), that he didn't integrate his "boar" impulses/emotions until much later in his post-time-skip. I didn't feel that Dimitri was a fully reconcilled version of himself, until after he had accepted his "boar" emotions, stopped repressing his unresolved anger, and learned to express them more appropriately or at more appropriate times. After he became more mentally/emotionally stable, I have no doubt that he still can have episodes of rage, anti-social moods, or crippling survivor's guilt, but I think he no longer allows those feelings/episodes to push away the people he cares about or disregard his true personal desires to be kind/protective towards others. He knows how to deal with those feelings now. But he spent a long time not yet at that stable level, until much later. Until then, he was frankly wavering, conflicting with his personal resolve, denying his own ideals, and allowing his survivor's guilt manifesting as ghosts to sway him away from his true desires/motivations/values of Compassion. Dimitri was Weak for a time. So I can't say that he was in the same category of Strength as Masamune and Claude.

Dimitri's backstory of his father's death and idolizing Rodrigue, after he took him in, is information he canonically tells the player.

But I realize that Sengoku Basara 2009 never actually mentions a backstory like this for Yukimura. I'm actually referencing the takarazuka version of Sengoku Basara. In that play, they include a childhood backstory scene, where Yukimura's father was a subordinate of Takeda and died while protecting him. Young Yukimura blamed Takeda for his father's death and went to punch him out. Because Takeda understood that Yukimura needed catharsis and was trying to reconcile with his grief, Takeda allowed himself to be punched. But he also punched back. I think maybe to encourage Yukimura to keep going? I can't remember. But eventually, Yukimura punched out all his anger and only had energy left to finally cry, and Takeda said something that comforted him. From then on, he called Takeda "Oyakata-sama" and became completely devoted to him. This explained the origin of the running gag from the 2009 anime, wherein Takeda and Yukimura engage in fist fights as a form a bonding. (It's a shame that the video of these scenes was taken off YouTube. ;_; ) I don't know if "Sengoku Basara Sanada Yukimura-den" mentions how Yukimura's father dies, since he finally appeared in that game. So I'm referencing the takarazuka version.

There isn't really mention of Masamune's mother in the 2009 Sengoku Basara anime. The closest, was Masamune's maternal uncle appearing in the movie "The Last Party" that ended that anime series. But historically, after the real life Date Masamune survived smallpox at a young age, and lost sight in his right eye, there was a lot of dissent among the other high ranking people within his clan, concerning his continued position as the Date clan's head. A lot of this dissent was lead by his mother, who insisted that Masamune's younger brother should become the new clan leader instead. Some accounts say that to shut up accusations that Masamune was weak and that his faulty eye was just an advertised weakness that enemies would take advantage of on the battlefield, Masamune either pulled out his own right eye or ordered Katakura to do it. Apparently, that shut up everyone except his mother, who still continued to try undermining his position. I don't know if there was one instance of several, but she also tried to kill him through poisoning, to replace him with his brother. Because of this, Masamune's only choice was to kill his own little brother, which forced his mother to run back to her original clan. (I can only assume that Masamune didn't just kill his mother, because it's possible she indoctrinated his brother to ursurp him. So Masamune might have ended up eventually needing to kill his brother anyway.) Lots of us in the Sengoku Basara fandom like to headcanon that all of this happened for the Basara version of Masamune too.

It's my understanding that Cornelia implicated Dimitri's stepmother in the murder of his father and friends at the Tragedy of Duscur, but that things were still left canonically vague. Personally, the fact that Patricia was always kind to Dimitri, combined with the fact that Cornelia is proven duplicitous, I find it difficult to believe that Patricia intentionally betrayed Dimitri. The way Cornelia described it, she offered Patricia a chance to be reunited with her daughter Edelgard, Patricia confirmed that desire, then the Tragedy of Duscur happened. Given that Cornelia was already doing terrible things behind Patricia's back, like experimenting on Hapi, and Patricia being angry at Cornelia when she discovered Hapi, I doubt that Cornelia would have been fully truthful with Patricia. I imagine Cornelia tricked Patricia into opening a path or lowering some defenses to "allow a clandestine meeting with Edelgard", but then Cornelia would probably use it to sneak in enemies to kill Dimitri's father and friends. That's my headcanon theory on the Tragedy of Duscur anyway. So Dimitri was only *possibly* betrayed by his mother figure.

And that's my comparison between DateSana and DimiClaude/DMCL/ClauDimi. It continuously amazes me how similar these ships are and how my shipping has come full circle. lol

[kitcat-italica]

So fun fact: I've been having suicidal thoughts again.

No, I don't have any plans, and no, I don't intend to act on them. But they're definitely there. Every day.

I've really gone downhill in the last few weeks. Eating is a nightmare—I'm either gorging myself to stress-eat or comfort-eat, or I'm starving myself or forgetting to eat, or forcing myself to eat when I have no appetite or energy to do anything.

I've lost all motivation to do much of anything. I don't want to see my clients. I don't want to leave my apartment. I don't want to talk to my family and have them deal with me like this. I don't want to bother my friends with this (although I have broken down crying to them a couple times anyway). I don't want to pay my bills. I don't want to clean my house. I don't want to play my videogames. I don't want to read or write anything.

I still try to force myself to do those things, because I have to at least open the door for those happy and motivated feelings to come back? But it still feels like I'm trudging through a sticky swamp. Everything feels gray. I feel like I'm dead inside emotionally.

The only things I genuinely look forward to or bring me any sense of relief are: sleeping, being with my dogs, and talking to my therapist. My therapy sessions are extraordinarily painful, but at least it feels like I'm not burdening her with it? Since I'm paying her to help me work through my feelings. Right now it feels like that's the only place I can truly be authentic and face all the things I'm thinking and feeling. Otherwise I just shut down, and try to ignore the loneliness and despair that's always in the background.

I've been thinking lately about how this pattern goes in my life. I've realized that I haven't had a single year in my adult life that hasn't had at least one episode like this. Since I was around 19 (or maybe earlier, but I didn't know what it was before then), I've either gone into severe depression and being overwhelmed by regular life, or I've been actively working to claw my way out of it, or I think I'm fine but one thing goes wrong and bam. I'm flat on my back again.

I don't want that cycle to continue. I can't do this up and down rollercoaster of depression. If this is what adult life is like for me, I don't want any part of it.

Again, I don't want to do anything to kill myself right now. I couldn't do that to my friends and family. My dogs need me. But I have had the thought that, if I knew at 19 that I'd be dealing with this for the next 10 years...

I almost wish I had succeeded in killing myself back then, to spare myself from all this.

Yes, I get so excited and lose my shit over all these Good Omens 2 updates. Yes, I put on a mask to help my clients.

But I'm still carrying around that emptiness, that worthlessness, that utter and all-consuming self-hatred. And once I can take that mask off at the end of the day, that's all I am underneath.

I'm just exhausted. I'm tired of feeling like this. I want a way out of it, but so far I haven't found one.

[sepublic]

You know, I've seen plenty of great ideas for Amphibia x TOH swaps, but there's one thing I haven't seen anyone point out yet. If Luz takes Anne's place and goes to Amphibia, then she gets something she's always wanted at the start of TOH: Being part of a prophecy.

           …That is, a VERY interesting concept, not gonna lie!

           The thing about Luz’s fundamental issues prior to meeting Eda was… She really had a problem with distinguishing fantasy from reality, learning to set the boundaries between the two, and fully respect said boundaries. She wasn’t malicious of course, but regardless…

           This is an interesting ask because we don’t know yet how the prophecy will unfold and be revealed within the show, or even its exact nature! But regardless, this is making me imagine Luz meeting the Plantars, and… Really, I can see Hop Pop’s more down-to-earth nature helping Luz learn to distinguish fantasy from reality, to an extent. Especially since Hop Pop himself is lowkey like Luz in that they’re very unorthodox heroes who don’t quite save the day the way they expected to; But their methods are –usually- valid. Such as Hop Pop accidentally inspiring a revolution among the Frogs, or that time he served as a martyr for those tiny frogs, with his mistreatment by the Hasslebacks being the final injustice that pushes them to fight back and defend themselves, without having to rely on any outsiders to do the work for them. Then there’s him projecting a Noir Film onto his search for Sal, to the point where he straight-up kills an innocent man…

           And, that’s making me imagine Luz and Hop Pop kind of bonding over this (not the murder though), especially with Hop Pop’s failed dreams of becoming an actor. I can see Luz being pretty sympathetic and a lot more involved in Hop Pop’s stint with Renee Frodgers, a lot more than Anne did- And considering we see her try out for Romeo and Juliet at one point, maybe she also has a taste for theater herself! Not to mention, all of this discussion of confusing fantasy with reality is just reminding me of Marcy… Specifically, the speculation of Marcy low-key seeing her time in Amphibia as more like a videogame with its tropes, to a potentially harmful extent as she might not treat this situation as a very real one with actual stakes and living, breathing people.

           Of course, the thing to remember is- Luz takes a lot of initiative in her own character development, too! She’s a receptive person and self-reflects. I feel like even if she never met Eda, it wouldn’t have been out of the question for Luz to still resolve her own issues… It’d have just been a much more difficult and tedious journey, especially if Luz had to go through that Reality Camp. But regardless, when you remember that Hop Pop also goes through similar character development, albeit more around the Season 2 timeframe… With Hop Pop making the conscious decision on his own to call out Renee on her thievery, without Anne nor any circumstances goading him into it, because he’s a very moral character at heart…

           Maybe Luz could have issues like Marcy. It’s worth considering if Andrias is manipulating and feeding into Marcy’s dreams. But regardless, I see Luz and Hop Pop working together, mutually, to get past their own issues, well before the prophecy is revealed- And we still don’t know when that’s going to happen! Maybe Luz and Hop Pop could be a duo reminiscent to Luz and King during Sense and Insensitivity. I can’t say for sure if Luz’s character development will be as potent by the prophecy’s reveal, as she is as of the Season Finale in HER show… I think Eda is ultimately a wiser character than Hop Pop, and characters like Willow and Amity serve as neat narrative contrasts/foils to Luz’s own antics. Though, I can imagine Luz getting caught up in shipping Sprig and Ivy, and possibly the fallout of this leading to a lesson or two…

           But in the end, as I said- Luz has a good heart, and she goes around to do the right thing, in the end. She’s like Hop Pop in that regard, and of course there’s also the existence of Sprig and Polly, not to mention what a fellow weirdo like One-Eyed Wally might have to say, here or there. I guess a lot of it depends on the exact context of how this prophecy is revealed, and how it even works… But I see Luz as being grounded by the more down-to-earth Wartwood, well before she gets to Newtopia. This does raise the interesting idea of her possibly backtracking on her character development, especially with Marcy’s influence and Andrias’ potential manipulations…

           And yet, I can see Luz still turning around to do the right in the end, just as Hop Pop did; Even when his dreams DID come true, and he became a renowned actor! I think Luz would come to the conclusion that even being ‘chosen’ by some divine force doesn’t really make her any better than anyone else… Not to mention that the people and world she’s saving is still very much its own thing, not beholden to her. So I see Luz accepting the mantle of being a hero, if only because she’s a good person and of course she’s not going to let something bad happen… And I can imagine the Plantars helping to gently nudge and remind Luz of her past lessons, to not get confused with fantasy and reality again. The prophecy would definitely be a twist antithetical and contradictory to Luz’s character development, given how she’s being transplanted into a different show with different themes, originally intended for a different protagonist…

           But, if Marcy is going to learn her lesson and get past her own issues –assuming those specific issues ARE a thing of course- then I can see Luz being a guiding light and force for her… Maybe the two mutually navigate past potential delusions together, who knows? I’ve speculated in the past how Luz would handle the revelation of having powerful magical heritage... How Luz would truly show off her character development by rejecting even this seemingly objective, tangible cosmic reason for her being special, and still asserting her equal standing with everyone else. Even when placed on top of the hierarchy, Luz rejects it, showing how much her lessons mean to her. I can see Andrias trying to set Luz up to agree with his hierarchy under that concept of divinely-ordained ‘specialness’, and how it’d all just tie into Luz working to abolish the caste system with Hop Pop.

           I can see it being a contrast to Sasha and Grime, who want to topple the current Newt Hierarchy… More than likely, so they can switch it around with Toads on the top. Not exactly the most helpful change, in the end… Luz decides that instead of reversing the roles, it’s best to just get rid of the roles entirely. It could play into a discussion of privilege, and it’d be interesting to see how Luz, Marcy, and Sasha would all bounce off of one another- Sasha low-key has her issues with dismissing the people of Amphibia, and once talked about ‘having fun’ there. Obviously her respect for Grime has changed this a lot… But there’s still that willingness to conquer what she fully recognizes now as an actual civilization of people. She would certainly take the revelation of a prophecy as full justification that she was never wrong about anything, and that Sasha is of course entitled to taking over Amphibia- Especially if Grime feeds into this both out of genuine support and his own desires.

           Then there’s that idea of Sasha and Grime enabling one another to be worse, even if they also still go through a little bit of positive character development… And as for Marcy and Andrias, I can’t quite say because the latter is still quite the enigma. Either way, Luz has to serve as a grounding force for the other girls with Hop Pop’s help… And really, it sounds like the set-up for total chaos, a battle royal, a complete free-for-all with every Amphibian and Human for themselves as they navigate one another amidst the backdrop of this prophecy. If we want to apply Luz’s motif and themes of being a guiding light for other characters in her own show, I can see her forcing Sasha and Marcy to confront the reality of what they’re doing… And I think interactions between her and Grime would be fascinating, as she’d be VERY much in favor of toppling the monarchy- But specifically to undo the hierarchy entirely, instead of switching it around to the Toads’ favor. If Sasha and Grime enable one another, perhaps Luz will have to act as a voice of reason and buffer between the two- And again, it depends on how Sasha and Grime’s character development goes.

           Overall, this sounds like QUITE the debacle, and I’m kind of fascinated, imagining how these different characters with different motifs, meant to be compatible with narrative parallels and contrasts, amidst the themes of their particular show; And how they’d adapt and fit into another show’s cast and themes! Anne taking Luz’s place in the Boiling Isles would be interesting, given how Anne has clearly internalized Sasha’s idea of ‘knowing what’s best for someone you care about’, and how this seems to be a recurring trend amongst people like Emira and Edric toward Amity, Lilith with Eda, etc. And, I guess I could go into a whole ‘nother discussion of how Eda has to help Anne recover from this low-key abuse and toxicity, and Anne having a similar moment of standing up to Sasha with those characters, possibly citing her own experiences… But, that’s probably a discussion for another time, I think. I guess it depends if I have the time and energy for it, and my cyclical focus aligns just right…

[iheartchv]

Can I request a matchup please? I'm a capricorn and INFJ personality. I'm 5'6" and fairly slim, but I have pretty wide hips that make me accidentally run into things. XD Brown hair and eyes, usually kept short and I have a bit of a tomboyish look.

I don't bother with my appearance too much because I'm terrible at trying to look nice. I'm the youngest of three sisters and while they've been praised their whole life for being beautiful, I was constantly told to work harder on my appearance, so I have some self-esteem issues about it. I've basically given up looking nice and just try to be presentable.

Despite being the youngest, I am a major anxious mom friend who is constantly trying to look out for my friends and has issues cutting loose. I don't drink or do any drugs, even small amounts for fun, because I'm way too cautious for that type of stuff. I do enjoy being nurturing, though, and really want to be an actual mom one day.

It takes a lot for me to relax in new situations as I am also autistic. I get obsessed with things and can only talk about that thing for a while, but I try to hold back so as not to annoy people. My particular obsessions are certain videogames and anime/cartoons (such as TMNT). If I am obsessed with something, I will write about it. I write in my free time as well.

My sexuality is a little weird right now. I am romantically attracted to men, but sexually I can't decide if I'm asexual or demisexual. I haven't had a long enough relationship to tell if I feel sexual attraction towards people yet.

Hmmm, I don't want to sway the results any, but I should say that I build off of other people's energy, so I have to be careful if others get too energetic or emotional, since I am very empathetic and feel others' emotions very strongly.

My basic hobbies are reading, writing, videogames, running, and daydreaming.

Thank you so much for your consideration! 🥰

Sure thing😄💕

🤔hmmm... I think you'd be paired with... Michelangelo💛

Mikey would fall for you

His excuse would be opposites attract if you ask him why

Which they sometimes do

He loves you and understands you as a person

You don't have to worry about judging you based on your looks or for who you are

If he does, he didn't mean it or meant to; he'll apologize to you after

Mikey's a cinnamon roll, and he'd never say or do anything to hurt you

A lot of your hobbies that you like to do he does, too

He'll also obsess with you, cuz there's a lot of movies/comics/ video games that he's into and wants to talk about them with someone... and that someone is you😘😘😘😘😘

While he draws more than he writes, and reads comics more than a book, he will read any story that you come up with

Mikey is a very affectionate boi

He'll give you plenty of hugs and kisses

He wants them back in return though, when he's feeling down in the dumps or upset

He'll play with your hair and look into your eyes, not caring if time goes by

He'd rather spend all his time with you

Since he's a ninja, he can protect you from any danger

Otherwise, someone will definitely see the rage of this turtle

"I swear, baby, I'll won't let anyone hurt you"

"I love you, to the moon and back"

💛🐢💕👧

Hope this is alright and get who you wanted😆😅