#and when i got there i realized it wasnt a doctor's office building it was like an old factory or something

[curmemini]

too much on my mind between family stuff (cousins sucks) and the realization i dont actually know how to make friends, and i never really have and im lucky to have the ones i do but it feels like no matter how much i put myself out there ill always have the voice that im being too much (there have, after all been too many cases where even my smallest was too large to have space by someone i wanted to befriend which wouldve been fine if they hadnt let me know the way that they had) i miss my irl group but we've all more or less drifted apart for various reasons. and i keep trying and trying to build new friendships but i must miss the mark or maybe it just wasnt meant to be but that doesnt mean it doesnt suck when i try to do things with people and make plans that fall through again and again and again and. the loneliness is unending and so is the grief about this fact. whatever and i need a new job because hospitality is killing me actually, or rather, i care a little too much about doing a good job to work alongside so many people who dont care and so make many mistakes i or the nas have to clean up, and i need a new therapist but the one i thought i would click with most i got turned away from by the office manager bc shes part-time and i had a spiral a few months ago which was rly great to hear when my rsd was already acting up like... and i need to get to the doctors too because i was told to go to a specialist (within the week) when i went to urgent care in may and <3 i forgot but my leg has also been feeling weird and my guts feel weird and basically all of this is to say girl help..... im not suicidal or anything im fine there because i want to live more than anything. and i dont want to go before ive gotten the chance to feel like i have actually done so . . . maybe its all just my meds. . .

[auntie-histamine]

...

[bussypadussy]

Please tell us about your horrible dream

So glad you asked.

I am 5-6 year old (im rarely ever myself in my dreams, damn near never btw) and im with my grandma, dad and brother at this..... office? Like a hospital waiting room but theres a couple short lines of the old, huge computer monitors running windows xp. Its my appointment, so i get to log myself in on the computer. There’s a really heavy feeling im being watched by everyone bc theyre monitoring my every move and it was really unsettling but i didnt pay any mind to it in the dream.

Its so weirdly familiar like ive really been there. Everything is in fun, childish colors. We entered into this buildings waiting/reception area. I couldnt call it a waiting “room” bc everythjng behind the desk youre waiting for is just through a entryway. There arent doors to separate places, just have to go around a corner or straight ahead past an arch opening.The only thing purposefully dividing things is a 4 foot kiddie gate.

Its my turn though. I get to go through whatever is around the walls behind the desk. My grandma will be coming with me to make sure i dont get lost or trip or whatever stupid little kids do. We go to a little kid library section first. Again, theres no one else there and the only sound is from small tvs are there playing what i could guess was dragon tales. I am not allowed to sit and watch dragon tales.

We pasted through other spots but what really matters out of everything there was the *hologram room*. This room does seem closed of and inaccessible where all the other spots were just a hallway away. So much so that i actually dont seen an exit, not even the way that i came in when i turned around. My grandma was gone suddenly and all that was in front of me was seemingly endless hills of soft grass. A really beautiful prairie with soft wind and the sky was clear. I forgot about how i got here or where i was but i didnt even think care.

Then theres a BIG dog, I mean a HUGE dog running to me coming over the horizon. Two stories tall and such a handsome golden lab. My heart melted and I realized it was Biscuit (a toy from my childhood in real life. Its strange to think how much well the love i felt for the dog in real life was recreated into my dream). Anyways, but nows he’s enormous, and hes moving all on his own! Hes so excited to see me and so am i. Im crying and heaving painfully hard from how happy i am to see him again. I dont know what happened to him irl or where he went.

We run to each other and all i can remember now is just crying crying cryin harder and harder. Im telling the dog how much ive missed him and how lonely it is without him, how bad i need him to stay with me. Hes giving such a look of understanding its on pare with human reaction. Biscuit can hear me and he is understanding what im saying just like everybody else he just cant talk.

Hours must have gone by and now i sit under a tree in these hills on a tartan blanket with Biscuit and well kept antique dolls ive always admired like at thrift stores. All i could feel was total ease and shear bliss in happiness. But a hole opened up and i had to leave. I HAD to go through it and i wasnt even told where it was gonna go, but i had to. I didnt even want to. Biscuit and all the dolls are cry and sobbing how theyll never see me again if i go and i get such a pain like im being stabbed. Once i do step through all i have is this feeling of falling. Not like how in dreams when it feels like you tripped off a curb, this was lasting for a few minutes.

I landed in a dark room. Must have been painted black walls bc its infinitely dark except some bright stage lights coming from all different directions. The walls are too dark to consider how far things go on in front of me and the lights are too strong i cant get a sense of whats close to me. But there's something in there with me. I think it was whatever was watching me before in the room with the computers. The "doctors" I think now that Im remembering.

Then Im 16. Im back at home. Its like i was just having nostalgia but the memory is just too fuzzy to where im not sure if it was real. But i know i was grounded now and i was safe and everything was back. It was just a weird thiught in the back of my head. Im going to the table to eat. Still thinking about what a weird experience.

Somehow the name of the "hospital" comes up in conversation and i learn it was all real. It all really happened to me and the place was real, all of it. I did experience ungodly realistic holograms and i did have that chance of staying with Biscuit and the dolls in total nirvana. IT WAS NOT SOMETHING I MADE UP.

Thats when I woke up for real.

[zmayadw]

And the next one as promised :)

CALL OF THE RAVEN

PART 6

The day i got released form hospital finaly came. I was happy about it, taking a breath of fresh air will be a welcoming change after over three weeks in here. Some bruises wer still visable, and my head hurted from time to time, but other then that the doctor gave me a green light. And having too much free time makes your toughts wonder in wrong direction too much. Thinking about Jake was my daily routine, and i hoped once i get out other things will get me occupied. Jessy wanted me to stay with her, but i managed to persuade her that i'd be better of at the motel. She reluclantly agreed, but I argued that i would still be resting most of the time, and promised her we will see eachother every day, wich made her respect my decision a bit more. She called me that moring, telling Dan will come and drive me to the motel, because she was bussy planing a surprise for me. „Oh, Jessy, pleas dont go overboard, it is my first day out, i wont be up for much.“ I protested, but she quickly reasured me its nothing big. Knowing Jessy, i was sceptical about it, but she sounded so happy that i just agreed to whatever she had in plan. I was about done packing, when Doris came bringing me my dischrage papers. She gave them to me, embracing me in a tight hug „You be good now, hun. And remember what i told you before.“ She said, giving me one more of her winks. „Thank you, Doris.“ I replied, handig her a chocholate bombonier i asked Jessy to get me. „For everything.“ I hugged her once more. „No need to thank me, hun.“  „Ahh, Doris, im jelaous, i didnt get a hug from you when i was leaving the hospital.“ It was Dan, being dramatic again. I laughed, as Doris went for the door „Schmacks dont deserve hugs!“ she grinned at him, and left. „She likes me...she just wont admit it.“ Dan said, grining. „So,you ready to leave this shithole?“ „Definatly!“ i said, taking my discharge papers and putting them in my pack. Dan took it from me, and we left the room, taking the elevator down. Stepping outside was so refreshing, i stopped at the exit for a brief moment, wich made Dan turn „You allrigh there?“ „Im good, just appriciate being outside again.“ I smiled. We continued to the car. Dan opened the door for me, putted my stuff on the back seat, and we drove towards motel. I rolled the window down letting the cool morning air blow to my face and through my hair. The drive wouldnt last that long, and Dan informed me that Jessy booked the room for me already and took the rest of my stuff there, and my car also waiting for me at the motels parking. „Dan, whats Jessy planing for me today?“ i asked. „Oh, no,no, im keeping my mouth shut!“ he replied, but i groaned at him pleading „Please, Dan, at least give me a hint. I just got out of hospital, and to be honest, im not up for big fanfaras, but i dont want to dissapoint Jessy either. And lets be honest, its Jessy wer talking about here, nothing is small or meaningless with her.“ He laughed at that „Your right about that! Alright, ill tell you, but if she realize you knew something..“ „Dont worry, i can act being genuinely surprised with no problem.“ I asured him. „Well, its nothing much, rellay. We're taking you for dinner.“ he said. Ok, thats not so bad, i tought, i do have to eat. „And she invited the gang to Aurora this evening, to celebrate your release from hospital.“ Ugh, i hoped that wouldnt happen so soon, that i would at least have a day or so for me before seeing everyone. „Ah, crap, i guess it was bound to happen sooner or later.“ I said, adding „Later would be better, tho.“ „Dont worry, Maya, ill be there to rescue you, AGAIN.“ He grinned at me, and i grinned back „Good, because i just might need some rescuing, again.“

Dan left me at the motel, and i entered the small checkin office. The woman behind the counter was eldery, and she smiled at me „Good morning, miss, what can i do for you?“. „Morning'“ i replied, smiling back „I had a room booked for me by a friend, i guess you know her, Jessica Hawkins?“. She smiled more now „Ah, ofcourse, miss Cole i presume?“ i nooded in agreement. „Yes, Jessica brought all your belongings already. I would just ask for you to fill this, please.“ She handed me that check in paper you get at every motel. I filled it, and she gave me the key.“You're at room 11, its on your right once you leave the office. And i'm Ms. Walter, fell free to ask if you need anything.“ „Thanks, i will.“ I replied, taking the key.

The room looked cozy enough. It had a big bed, with a little nightstand next to it with a lamp on it. There was a midium size table in front of a big window, wich i immidiatly felt greatefull for, since some natural light is what i prefere for my drawing work, and a closet next to it. Across from the bed was a  TV, and a little refrigeratore under it. The bathroom was small, wich is more then enough. I left my stuff on the bed, when i noticed a note on the nightstand. 'The car key is in the nightstand drawer. Get some rest, and see you later! Xoxo' It was from Jessy, and that made me smile. I took the key and went to the car to get the rest of my stuff. The day was nice and sunny, and i tought i souldnt spend the whole day in the motel. I went back to the room, unpacked, grabed some clean clothes and went for a shower. When i got dressed i sat at te table and turned my laptop on. I checked my mails, and some job offers. Its good when you're a freelancer, you can work from anywhere, and I actually felt some work might keep me occupied and not let my mind wonder to Jake.  The tought of him leaving my hospital room  two weeks ago still pained me, but i cant sit here and despair all the time, so i decided to grab my drawing stuff and head exploring. I hoped Jessy wouldt mind me going to town alone, she did promise me a grand tour of it once im out of the hospital. I took my phone and texted her „Hey hey, setteled at the motel. Going for a walk arround, but dont worry, im still looking forward for my tour arround Duskwood with you! xoxo“. She replied soon „Oh, nice, have fun! Just stay out of woods! xD See you for dinner J „. Great, now i could leave without feeling any guilt. I grabbed my backpack and left the motel.

I decidet to walk towards the marketplace, i had plenty of time since it wasnt even noon yet, and Jessy and Dan wont pick me up before 19. I passed a small bakery on my way there, and bought me some food and a bottle of water. The streets leading towards marketplace wer small and narrow, mostly with older buildings and pretty quiet. After some 30-40 minutes of slow walk,  i emerged to the marketplace, and it was comepletly different. The crowd thickened, and the place hummed with life. In the center was a nice funtain, with benches in circle arround it. Few wer occupied with people: one had an eldery couple, just sitting there on the sun and talking, on the other wer two mothers, drinking coffee while kids wer running arround, giggling and enjoying a nice day. I sat on one of the free benches, and took my drawing pad out. The warmth of the sun felt nice, and i began drawing. I can get quite zoomed out of my surroundings when drawing, so when i finaly noticed someone was standing in front of me, i jumped, and my penciles flew all over the floor. I started to stan up from the bench, at the same time that someone started to bend down to help pick them up,our heads coliding. That sent me sitting back on the banch, as both of us groaned from the impact. „Auch.“ I flinched, looking at the person stnding there. It was Jake. „Sorry, i didnt mean to sneak up on you.“ he said, still rubbing his forehead. „No, no, its fine, i was really focused, i didnt see you there.“ I barely managed to say, my voice shakey, clumsely picking my penciles from the floor.He was the last person i expected to run into. I really wasnt ready for this, the knot in my stomach starting to form, as i finaly collected all the penciles and sat back on the bench. I knew we wer gonna run at each other eventualy, but not so soon. He sat next to me, and i could notice by his body language he was a bit nervouse, too. „You look better.“ he said after a moment of silence, giving me a small smile, wich made my heart skip from joy. „Thanks, i feel much better,too.“ I replied, smiling back. He was looking at me so tenderly, and the heat from the sun made me so hot, i had a feeling my cheeks wer red as a lobster. He run his hand through his hair, and all i could think is how much i wanna do that. His look became more serious now, his eyes becoming darker, but that tenderness was still present. „Maya..“ he started „That day at the hospital.. I didnt..I'm sorry..“ but i interupted him. „No need to appologise, Jake, really.“ And he really didnt have to. I continued, before he could say anything else. „Look, its like this: you had every right to act like you did, and even tho it wasnt easy for me to hear you say those stuff, you wer right, in a way.“ He looked me a bit confused. „You wer probably right, I didnt think quite hard about every possible thing that could go wrong, and God knows i had more luck then im willing to admit. But thats just who i am: i act, i go with the flow, i make mistakes. And i appologise when I realize I was wrong, wich I would do to you if you just stayed for a while more. And i mean appologise for not telling you, or anyone about my plan, not for what i did at the end, hence me saying that you wer right in a way.“ I looked at him, he was still calm, not a trace of that anger i saw at the hospital anywhere on his face. That made me relax a bit. „Maya, just let me...“ he started again, but i interputed him once more „Please, Jake, just let me finish, then you can say whatever you wnat.“ He nodded in agreement. „ I know saying 'sorry' at that time seemed so pointless, but you have to know that i really am sorry, Jake, a thousand times sorry. Yet, i still stand by what i said, i would do it all over again, no matter the qonsequences.“ I paused for a moment, before i continued „I really hope you can forgive me. I got so used at having you in my life, and for it to end here and now...“ He looked at me, but i couldnt bring myself to look back at him. I just stared at my hands, not realizing this whole time i was clasping them so tightly. „I hope you wont shut me out of your life comepletly.“ We sat there in silence for what seemed like eternity. I got my courage and looked at him. He was staring in the distance now. „I felt helpless.“ he said, looking back at me now. „It got me...scared.“ he confessed, and i ached to just hug him. I could see this was being hard for him, saying it. „I've had that happen once before in my life, and it didnt end well.“ His eyes became so sad. „I'm not sure im ready to go through it again.“ That knot at my stomach tightened as he said it, but i took a deep breath „I understand. I'v let you down, i know. But i hope with time, you will be able to trust me again..let me be your friend, at least.“ Friend...that word felt so wrong to me. I didnt want to be just his 'friend', i wanted to be more, so much more. But, i guess at the moment i would be happy with anything. He stared at me for a moment, and before he said it, a smile formed at the corner of his lips „One step at the time.“ „Thats all im asking.“ I said, smiling shyly. He sat there in silence for a brief moment before slowely getting up. „You're good, by the way.“ He said, and i looked at him puzzeled, wich made him smile. He had such a sincere and wonderfull smile. „Your drawing, its good.“ He continued, pointing at my drawing pad. „Oh, that, thanks!“ i replied. „I better be good, i doubt i'll get paid otherwise .“ i grinned. He shook his head at me smiling, walking slowely away from the bench „See you arround, Maya.“ „See you, Jake.“ Watching him walk away this time didnt leave me in pain and agony. I felt hope again. Maybe Doris and Jessy weren't talking nonsence, afterall, I tought, not realising i was grinning like crazy.

After Jake left, i just sat there, letting my heart stop beating insanely. I was really happy for how our unexpected meeting went, i tought there really was some hope for us again. Oh man, Jessy will go crazy when i tell her all about it, she will so rub me her ' i told you so's' in the face! That got me laughing out loud, a few passerbys looking at me like i was crazy. And they wer right, i was crazy! Crazy for Jake. Everything about him drow me crazy: his gorgeous eyes, that ruffeled hair, and that beautifull smile. He shoud definatly smile more, i tought, his whole face smiles when he does it. The churchbell chimmed five , and i cursed under my breath. I better head back to the motel, i need another shower for sure. I quickly grabbed my stuff from the bench, deciding to grab coffee before headiding back. My toughts wer still running wild about Jake as i was walking back towards motel, i colided with a man. I almost dropped my coffe, quickly appologizing. „Be carefull there, miss, you never know who you might bump into.“  He said, a bit grim, like he was makeing a threath. I looked at him a bit astonished „Uhm, i will mister, thanks for your advice. And, sorry again!“ I slowly turned and continued my way. Strange guy i tought, but didnt pay any more toughts about it continuing back to the motel.

[kdramachitchat]

Episode 4 -- It takes a village to raise a child. Lee’s trial resulted to 30 floggings. We also find out more about Yohan’s older brother Isaac and the story behind the fire.

Episode 4 starts right off with the 1st trial of Lee Youngmin who is the son of Ms Cha. The trial ended and Judge Yohan gave words of encouragement to Judge Oh saying that both of them are a team. With a ecstatic producer, they were able to capture the moment on video. For sure their ratings will sky rocket even more.

Yohan receives a call from Cha and she asks why is he going this far & replies that she should ask her own son instead of him. Yohan added a rhetorical question on why Lee keeps on treating people like dirt. A person going through alot resulting to lose of control with his own temper is not an excuse. Cha defending her son saying he’s not a bad person. Yohan talks back and asks her if she was this relaxed while she’s a prosecutor. Yohan ended the phonecall and Cha demands that they meet in person.

Yohan and Cha discusses the result of her son’s trial

Cha is determined to change the result of her son’s first trial. Yohan says that her son is only being sentenced by the law. Cha didnt believe what he’s saying and says that he’s only doing this to get to her. Cha asks if there’s anything Yohan wants from her and wants a statement that doesnt include something obvious like justice. She knows that he wants power to gain popularity and suggests to give him a better case. He mentioned that there’s a case 19 yrs ago where she investigated a young politician with a bright future for bribery. At the time he hadnt taken any bribes. She investigated him and received a guilty verdict. Yohan mentions that the man is a trademark of morals and sadly took his own life, leaving behind his middle school son. Yohan asks Cha if she ever thought about that case during her career of 19 years. Cha defended herself that the case was legal. If she wants her son’s case to be let go she has to follow Yohan’s orders. Yohan ordered to tell the media the truth of that case.

Ga On asks Soohyun if he could meet the officer who investigated the fire 10 years ago. His call suddenly gets interrupted when Yohan came in the room. Ga On looks completely well but why hasn’t he left the mansion yet? As Yohan said, looks like he’s trying to find something. Ga On tells him that he’s not interested in other people’s business. Yohan then invited him somewhere and chooses his outfit for him.

SRF Party -- Gaon becomes a hit with the ladies & gets introduced to influential players. He also learns more about Yohan and the rich.

Yohan brings Ga On to the Social Responsibility Foundation party and Ms Sun Ah formally introduces herself to Ga On. Ga On then gets flocked by influential women and compliments how handsome he is. He got introduced by the wives of Chairman Park who owns Saram Media, Chairman Min who owns Minbo Group, Kim Sang Sook, Pi Hyang Mi. They complemented him saying that he’s a rising star. The women starts to ask for pictures and he gets extremely uncomfortable with the attention. Yohan observes from afar and seems happy that he’s getting the attention. Yohan saves him from the attention and excuses Ga On. The ladies talk behind his back making comments on how long Ga On can last working for Yohan. SunAh also makes a comment that Ga On is Yohan’s chaperone. He then officially gets introduced to Park Duman (Chairman of People’s Media Group), Min Yongsik (Chairman Of Minbo Group). The President arrives and the event starts. Chairman Seo being the bastard he is touching a server’s lower. SunAh noticed that she’s severely shaking while serving him water, stopped him and punched Chairman Seo in private. During their private conversation looks like SunAh is the leader over the 2.

Yohan makes a speech especially to the President and asks him if it has to be Cha who will protect his fortunes. The President agrees and says that it doesnt have to be Cha who’ll take part on the next presidency. The President says that the next candidate has to be someone who is popular amongst commoners and needs to have a strong background story. What about Yohan? Ga On quietly observes the situation from afar and notices how the huge players are bunch of crazy lunatics.

Ga On stays away from the dinner and has a private discussion with SunAh. SunAh starts discussing about the church fire from 10 yrs ago and mentions that there was a event that day that wasnt reported. Yohan’s older brother wanted to sign a contract stating that he’ll donate his wealth to the SRF. Then suddenly a huge fire broke out that day, coincidence i think not. SunAh tells Ga On that Isaac and his wife died due to the fire. Yohan is alive and the first thing he did after leaving the hospital was to cancel the donations made by his brother. In advance, Yohan brought a doctor’s note saying that Isaac had a weak mind and was incapble of making sound decisions. To think that Yohan did all of this right after his brother died. SunAh gets effected whenever the live show happens because of this situation.

Ga On and Yohan drives back to the mansion in silence. Ga On comments on the observation he made with the rich. Yohan tells him that both the rich and poor are the same when they’re in front of greed.

Lee Youngmin’s second trial

Ms Cha receives a call saying that they want her to deal with her son’s case alone. She also thinks about the choice Yohan gave her during their private discussion. Then a flashback about the wife and husband talking about their son’s case. The husband only cares about their son and not about the titles or the money. He knows that their son wont last a day in prison. The father seem to have more heart than Cha. Cha promises to get their son out even if she has to sacrifice herself. Looks like she has made her decision. Ms Cha then does a press conference and apologizes to the public for damage control. She’ll do this for her own gain and betrayed her son.

The 2nd trial begins with defending the defendant’s actions, citing examples that he grew up alone and the staff were found by him stealing things. With lack of parental love and attention he grew up to become a obsessive and aggressive behavior. They also brought up his results to the screens. They also gave out reasons that the lack of care from the parents resulted him to act that way and mentions for the court to be more generous. Since the prison is made from the tax payer’s money shouldnt Lee compensate to those who are hard working? They made a point and Yohan agreed. Yohan agreed with the statement and came up with appropriate punishment for Lee.

The punishment wouldnt cost any and the defendant will not be isolated from the society, itll only inflict temporary pain. Flagellation. Ga On once again is shocked by the result. Yohan also adds that the society should give the flagellation to him on his parents’ behave. A man once said, “It takes a village to raise a child.”

They show different victims like his own company staff, the restaurant staff, the poor man who he hit and the the rest of the public agreeing with the sentence.

Lee suddenly goes whack and makes crazy comments about the court system. He even knelt down infront of Judge Yohan and apologized. Yohan ofcourse being strict with the sentence announced that he will receive 30 floggings. He also adds that the floggings appears to be the minimum and most humanitarian sentence that he will give. The flogging should be done with transparency and will be watched by the entire nation. The embarrassment.

Ms Cha was also seen signing the sentence agreement with difficulty.

Fire Investigation

Soohyun and Ga On visits a restaurant and talks to Detective Park discussing about the fire incident that happened 10 yrs ago. Park has mentioned that his father goes there for service and Soohyun commented that there wasn’t any service that day due to the charity event that took place. She also added that that there were no records on who attended the charity event. Ga On butts in and asks that the cause of the fire is still unknown. Park mentions that the church was located in a old school building made of wood, nothing was left after it was burnt down. Soohyun asked if he got a statement from Yohan, if he saw anything. The man says that he only visited Yohan once but didnt remember much from the incident which was understandable, saying during the time he was surrounded by chaos.

Once the live court was over, Ga On makes a comment that Yohan cancelled the deed of convent that his own brother wrote. Wouldnt that be a motive for a crime?

Yohan’s cruel past still haunts him

Yohan and Ga On are back at the mansion. Ga On argues with Yohan and says that he’s only doing this for fun. Adding that he only does this to anyone who gets into his way especially his brother. This made Yohan pay more attention. Yohan’s anger becomes explosive after Ga On made a comment on how cruel he is.  Ga On apologized after hearing the story from Yohan. Yohan realizes how people love tragic stories.

Verena Church

Isaac gave out his donation, the people that were involved are the same people who are are part of the live court. The President, Minister Of Justice, etc. Smoke was coming through the door and a fire exploded which burnt down the entire church. Yohan was nowhere to be seen. Elijah calling out for her mother. Who caused the fire? Yohan suddenly saw the church burning and went in and see Isaac, Elijah and Minister Of Justice in scrambles. Isaac is suffering from the smoke while Cha was trying to escape not bothered to save Elijah at all. Isaac saw all of this happening and saved Elijah. Is this the reason why he resents Ms Cha? Yohan tries to save both Isaac and Elijah but they got hit by a wood with fire. Elijah got paralyzed. Isaac didnt survive and before his final breath he told Yohan to get out. Yohan didnt want to but he promises to come back. The fire died down, Yohan survived and saw the same firefighter stealing Isaac’s watch. the firefighter didnt even bother saving Yohan and Elijah or at least helping out to remove Isaac’s dead body. Yohan got out of the church and noticed all of the others who survived especially Minister Of Justice. The cruelty of those people, only saving themselves made Yohan burst into anger.

He’s definitely out to get those influential people who survived the fire especially Minister Of Justice.

[knicole0527]

How Did I Fall For Unwritten History?

So I’m in a whole relationship right? Like a whole fat ass relationship. Like me plus her equals nobody else . Its kinda dope and kinda like coccaine . If she was a drug I’d take it . She grounds me . She makes love to my mind , heart , and then my body . Her way of words sometimes makes me feel stupid because she uses words I cant imagine using . My vocabulary aint that big . But ask me about math or science ? I’m definitely ya girl . She was my missing piece . If that makes any sense at all . We definitely have our rollercoasters but I’ll killl anyone over her and I stand on that . Best part its with who I chose and not who my parents chose or approved of. I actually dont care whether they approve of me or not. Mom didnt want kids anyways. As she put it, she likes “ a return to sender kid “ I know she used to joke about it but I later found it to be true. So at this point either you like my happiness or you dont. But anyways, So we met the first time at work, Afni Call Center to be exact. She was a bet. By bet I mean with green money with coworkers. So I bet that I would get smashed by this girl and they would each owe me 50 bucks. I mean who can turn down money. Plus she was kinda cute and I know she was watching my little booty when I would walk away . I was 80 pounds lighter when we first met .

But here lately things have gone to shit . I can admit I fucked up . Well in the beginning . I cheated . She found out . But I was honestly gone tell her everything but she found out I broke her heart all that and then some . Since I put all my business out there . Only reason why I cheated was because I wanted a kid . I wanted her for sure but I wanted a kid . As time passed us by I realized she doesn’t want kids at all . So I had to make a decision , kids or stick around for my one true love in my adult life . So I looked her in the face , I probably had tears In my eyes and told her I chose her . She looked at me with confusion for a little and I dont think she anted me to flat out give up kids. But I was gone doe what I had to do to keep her by my side .

Now before we get to me cheating . I had an apartment on Old Morgantown Road . I loved that damn space man . Hard wood flooring . Storage unit . I had a w/d hook up . I had a good apartment and I could afford it and be able to live my best life . Rent was 475 a month . Utilities and water ran me about 80 . So I was well within my budget . But my dumb ass got involved with this man who I thought I could change . I was trying to hear from nobody about nothing . I wasnt trying to hear that he was cheating because I felt like I gave him no reason to cheat . I was giving him everything and then some . Hell I let his stupid ass cousin stay on my couch . So they were living rent free right , I know stupid Kendra always doing dumb shit . I should have opened my eyes but I didn’t .

Well he and I are definitely no longer together . He got my little cousin pregnant . I dont know whats worse . That she knew he was still living with me . That she knew we was kin . That he knew we was still together , fucking and living together and I never ask for a dollar . Or that my bosses had to call me in the office with another one of my cousins and sit me down to tell and show me that he was cheating and she was pregnant . It even shocked me that she tried to question me about my niggas car . Like girl he and I live together so yes maam I’m gone drive his car . and she was in shock to see me in the drivers seat . huh . Aint that funny how it all played out though ? But you know , karma got took his dick for a minute . He got the worst news of his life . His heart was just as shattered as mine . His trust was screwed if not worse than mine . He found out that while he was too busy cheating on me , she was getting knocked down by his cousin . LMFAO SERIOUSLY . He did all that cheating and got that girl pregnant and ended up getting played himself . So while I was his woman , he had a side bitch who had a side nigga , but THE SIDE NIGGA HAD A SIDE BITCH . I hadnt had sex with him in a while because things started getting to me and I was becoming very suspicious so I was still going to get checked anyways . But yea . What a fckd up love hexagon . Crazy how we all worked together . But when I reached my snapping point . I became a little on the ratchet side and called his mom and told her come get her sons belongings because he was homeless again . My cousin didnt have her own spot so somebody had to come take care of him because by that time I was done pretending .

Shit got bad for me mentally . I had me fckd up . I lost my job and went broke because I drank and popped it away . I know definitely wasn’t the right thing but I just wanted to feel numb to everything . I didnt really care how I got high just as long as I as high I was okay and at peace .

Alot of time went by and my past came back . She made me feel safe . And she saw me ; like the actual me . She knew something was up . Hell I gained 50 pounds since the last time we seen each other . But when she came back . I dont know if I was more so excited to see her or trying to fuck her right there on the floor at work . I walked in the door and the moment I seen her ... I didnt care who I was talking to , I think Wanda , I’m sorry boo but I seen my old boo and just had to do it . I could not help myself I had to hug her before I did anything else . I had a little more weight on me too because during our last encounter , hmm hmm , I was a bit smaller and hadnt grown boobs yet . So when she seen me running 90 mph to her ; baby girl was in for a shock .

Time went by and we started seeing each other a little more outside of work . Then she started to spend the night . But when she started doing that , I think I made things a little complicated for her at her moms . I had no intentions of doing so but it kinda got weird because she wasnt coming home very much any more . But yall , when I had her all to myself . Do you know how many times I undressed this girl with my eyes . I mean she standing there fully clothed and I seen EVERY INCH of her thru them clothes . It was bad yall . lol . She kinda eventually sorda moved in ; even though I thought she had already moved in . Time went by and things were okay ya know . We were just in the “ talking “ phase and just filling each other out . She started to grow on me a little more than I planned . and then I wanna say it was my birthday or after ? Baby girl was so drunk . She , our mutual friend , and I went to go grab food and drinks . Weeellllllll , I trapped her into drinking and drinking and drinking . We got home ? and she drank and and got funnier as the night went on . I remember that day like it was yesterday and the videos I have are absolutely the funniest videos I have ever recorded . “ butt clouds “ and the car honk that about gave her a damn heart attack .

Anywho times have went on . We decided to go to hilltop and live there . Who would have thought we would live together because I was stern on not wanting to live with her . It was weird living there . Always wondering if or when we were going to get a roommate . Then ? Thats the first time I ever broke a heart . See , she was always wanting to like distinguish a title. Meanwhile I am petrified of titles and labels and shit . Plus I have labeled myself for so long I didnt want to put a label on she and I . So I waited and waited and waited and decided to test waters . By testing waters meaning , I caught baby fever BAD . LIKE BAD BAD . I wanted a kid so bad I didnt think about talking to her first , I was just hoping one day I could be like , surprise baby we are having a baby ; butttttt I was gonna tell her how I got pregnant IF if actually happened . But she kinda beat me to it . She seen the messages on her tablet and as you know it went to shit from there . I broke her heart . I wasnt sure if or when she would or could ever forgive me . ( its JAn232021 ) and I know she still hasn’t forgiven me for anything . Not sure if she will ever get past it enough to love me love me .

We made it official , May 2019. By that time the only things that mattered to me were building a life with her. Come August 2020 . We got a place together and as time went on, I knew something was wrong but I would rather ignore it than have to go to the doctor because that just aint my cup of tea. I hate doctors.. they always wanna diagnose people with shit. I just didn’t wanna be one of those people so I held out as long as I could before it got to the point of being unbearable . I lost yet another good job . At first they thought it was covid and it wasnt . I tested negative for covid . Then I had like 5 appointments that following week . I was put on all types of stuff . I was throwing up everything . I was crying non stop . I was doing things not in my normal regimen . Thats when things fell harder on her . Harder as in bills , and stress and everything . I became that burden . I became the thing in the relationship that puts everything on the line . I became the complete failure in the relationship .

I wasn’t able to help like I planned . in fact my checks were so small that every pay day because I had all my bills and people I owed money to on auto pay and I kept making promises, put me in the negatives . I was in the negatives for 3 to 4 months . So imagine being the one in the relationship who didnt feel welcome . Who didnt feel like I deserved the love and things like that . All I wanted to do was help out and I couldn’t . Made me want to pack up and wait until I knew she was gone so I could leave . I didn’t know what to do . But I knew I was pretty much of no use . I knew that she resented me . I knew it pushed things back so far it may never come back to normal .

But now , Im better than I was still struggling though .  But I have this amazing job . I have a job where I can do my part and not hurt . I have a job where I can finally help out now . But its not enough . I’m not enough . The love is not enough anymore . I have became disposable . I have become the one who broke and shattered her heart and trust in her adult love life . How do I come back from it ? How do I rescue something that may have already died ? Am I worth it ? Am I better off without ? Do I deserve her ? She deserves the world and I want to give it to her I do .

But idk , maybe my mom was right . just maybe the only things I’m good at are singing and laying on my back . Havent accomplished shit yet . Got banned from a job because I tried to put my hands on someone . Got fired from 3 good fucking jobs because of my health .

Im crashing at this point . My future is on edge . I am on edge . this is not cool dude . But I will play the hand I’m dealt . Maybe I will win and marry the woMAN of my dreams . Or maybe I will just fck it up once again . We Will See .

[satyrcon]

i’ve been having a really tough time. its always tough this time of year, and every year the gravity of the toughness builds up and leads to an inevitable ego death worse than the one that preceded it. 

life has just been so confusing. its a huge clusterfuck of sadness, anger, shame, grief, and every other synonym for disappointment. 

lets start with my job. it fucking sucks. i know that this job isnt going to be my forever job, and i am clinging onto that thought with every atom of my body but somehow it isnt enough. i hate this job. i hate how every single movement is tracked, i hate how much work i have to do for the amount i get paid, i hate how i have no friends there, i also hate the uniform. every week i get my pay check and i think “is it even worth it?”. idk. i would love the job if there wasnt any pressure to hit targets and to close sales and to kiss the ass of every single person who walks into the store. the bonuses are not worth it. the staff discount doesnt even pay for itself. before i start every shift i am muddled with feelings of fear and anxiety and sloth. i often think about the future before i work at my dingy part time mall job and how i will hve this feeling and perhaps even more when i work full time, probably in an office. probably with worse people, with worse pay, and no benefits. i feel a twang of pain in my guy and a large glob fill my throat that i cant choke back. is this what i have to look forward to? is this really fucking all? 

next, lets go with school. this is a tricky one. i thought i would be graduating in the fall. turns out im not and i have to stay an extra year. i sacrificed my summer to take this one course and now i realized that it was in vain. whatever. im just angry that my excitement is delayed. but i also feel somewhat relieved that my true adulthood has been pushed back for at least a few months. i just hate my major so much, i hate writing papers so much, i hate sitting in class so much, i just hate everything so much. 

now lets talk about mental health. this is a doozy.

i think i am depressed. i think i have been depressed for a long time now. i have no energy, i am constantly on the brink of crying while simultaneously feeling a void, i have been self harming a lot, i binge eat drink and smoke. i used to think it was stress. but with no school, and a job that isnt too demanding and honestly not that important there are days where i just cant get out of bed, i cant interact, and i cant stop thinking about killing myself. there. i said it. 

theres just nothing i enjoy anymore. i don’t enjoy being outside, i dont enjoy being in the company of others, i don’t enjoy socializing, i don’t enjoy being talked to, i don’t even enjoy eating anymore. when i eat now, especially if i binge, it feels like i am punishing myself. 

what i like? i like being by myself. preferably in bed, either stoned out of my mind or drunk like a fool. alone for hours. living in my mind. sometimes i even enjoy talking to myself. recounting old eras of my life like an elder. addressing old friends and old foes, making jokes. for the past few months ive had the insane pleasure of having the house to myself for days at a time. i would purposefully wake up as early as 7 AM to enjoy every last moment i could alone. unfortunately i wont experience that bliss again until september.  fummmmmmm. 

my boyfriend keeps putting this weird pressure to see somebody, to seek out therapy, to talk to my doctor, or talk to my family. but i cant. there is just something physically stopping me from even attempting being vulnerable and trying to get some help. i don’t know why. im not a glutton for punishment, but i also don’t know how to get things in order even if i tried. i called a mental health clinic and i got quoted 200 dollars a session to speak to a therapist. i just dont have that fucking money. i dont have the time. and i dont think a stranger can help me even if i were to find the time or the money. how do i explain to a straanger my inner most thoughts when i myself cannot even express them? its not even about the job, or the school, or my binges, or my body that i hate...its everything and so much more...its almost nothing. see what i mean?

i know he is trying to help the best way he can. but whenver he brings it up i cant help but feel like i am being pushed into a corner. its like i have to admit that there is something wrong with me. i dont think theres something wrong with me. i think there is something wrong with the world. he makes me feel so stupid when he suggests i go see someone. i just need space. i just need support. i just need love. i need friends that arent just acquaintances. i need a job where i feel useful and successful. i need money to go on a vacation. i know what i need. i dont know how to get it.  why do i need to see a therapist for that? what the fuck are they going to do to help me? i dont even want to enjoy food anymore. fuck tht.

the only place i can be vulnerable is online, and even then i feel like i am under some sadistic pressure to be funny and to be whatever even when i am screaming in pain. i dont even have online friends anymore that i can even confide in, and fantasize with. 

im writing this down, and i know i am not making sense, but i feel the lump in my throat. i just want this pressure to stop. 

please god. give me a few more weeks alone. give me a cabin in the woods in complete isolation. give me no money stress, give me no axiety. i will be fine then. 

[aux-array]

im realizing (or realizing again, i vaguely remember realizing this a few years ago but i forgot about it) that the recovery process from my broken arm was either kinda traumatizing or at least contributed to my overall trauma

so in 2nd grade i broke my arm in the growth plate. the time period where it was in a cast wasnt too traumatic afaik, the worst parts after the intense pain of the first day or so, were when i fell on it in clas and wasnt allowed to go to the nurses office, and when i had chicken pox while the cast was still on (the itchyness oh my god)

but what im mostly remembering is the years of physical therapy afterwards and the extremes they went to which i don think were fully necessary

basically when i got my cast off i started physical therapy to build up the strength and mobility that had been lost. for most people whove had a cast on for 8 weeks i think they said it tends to take a few months to a year to fully recover, but since my break was in the growth plate they had to put pins in my elbow to keep it in place, which meant i had alot more scar tissue keeping me from bending or straightening it very much (there was also a possibility that the growth plate would close up early and my arm would stop growing, i was terrified of that and very relieved when my arm did grow with me)

anyway physical therapy sucked but when does it not, but the worst part was what we had to do at home. every day for a while my parents would pin me to the table and force my arm as straight as possible for what felt like forever but was probably just a few minutes? it hurt so fucking bad, way worse than when the physical therapists did it, and i screamed and cried so loud my parents got mad bc they were worried the neighbors would call the cops

another thing was the fucking brace i had to wear every night. it was spring loaded to force my arm straight while i slept, but it hurt really bad and made it hard to sleep, and it cut off my circulation so that i always woke up with a swollen numb hand. i would often set it on a less awful setting when i went to bed, and try to set it back before my parents came in to wake me up. but of course i didnt always wake up in time to do that so they caught me and started using a zip tie on it every night to prevent me from doing that. so instead in order to sleep i would push it into a 90 degree angle with my other arm, and lay on my side on top of it to keep it in that position. i realized tonight that thats still my default sleeping position.

also i was in physical therapy for like 4 years or something, my pt said i was her longest patient. i dont even think much progress was made in the last year or so of it? maybe a few degrees more of range of motion but not much. the goal was to keep doing it until i could straighten it the same amount as my left arm, but they let me quit when it became clear no more progress could be made

i still cant straighten my arm all the way but it doesnt affect my life that much, and i think even with a few degrees less of straightening i would probably still function perfectly fine. it would be a bit harder to reach stuff up high but like. being a few inches shorter would also do that so i dont think that would be too awful? idk also people live perfectly good lives with way more mobility issues! hell, im physically disabled now and my arm not straightening all the way is not part of my disability because it doesnt affect my ability to do things!

and i just really wonder if maybe a functional level of mobility couldve been achieved without making that stuff so painful. like if they had pushed slightly less hard when straightening it against the table, or letting me sleep with the brace on a slightly lower setting.

idk. it feels stupid to be upset by all this because my parents were only doing what the doctors told them to do. but also while i typed that sentence my body became filled with anxiety, so maybe i shouldnt call it stupid. clearly a part of me is very affected by this experience and i shouldnt invalidate that

and like! alot of the other stuff they did in physical therapy was very painful too, but the physical therapist seemed to at least have a limit on how much pain she was willing to put me through! the limit was pretty high but it was there! which it wasnt for my parents! they just kept pushing and pushing no matter how much it hurt and how loud i screamed and it wasnt okay! there should have been a limit! and also i dont think they shouldve done it on the hard wood table, the physical therapy table had padding on it

idk idk idk i feel like i need to give them the benefit of the doubt because they were just doing what the doctor said, but shouldnt there be limits??? couldnt they press slightly less hard when it was hurting me too much??? idk im talking in circles now

[thekaeb3412-blog]

The Story of How I Fell In Love With Unwritten History

So I’m in a whole relationship right? Like a whole fat ass relationship. Like me plus her equals nobody else . Its kinda dope and kinda like coccaine . If that makes any sense at all . We definitely have our rollercoasters but I’ll killl anyone over her and I stand on that . Best part its with who I chose and not who my parents chose or approved of. I actually dont care whether they approve of me or not. Mom didnt want kids anyways. As she put it, she likes “ a return to sender kid “ I know she used to joke about it but I later found it to be true. So at this point either you like my happiness or you dont. But anyways, So we met the first time at work, Afni Call Center to be exact. She was a bet. By bet I mean with green money with coworkers. So I bet that I would get smashed by this girl and they would each owe me 50 bucks. I mean who can turn down money. Plus she was kinda cute and I know she was watching my little booty when I would walk away . I was 80 pounds lighter when we first met . 

But here lately things have gone to shit . I can admit I fucked up . Well in the beginning . I cheated . She found out . But I was honestly gone tell her everything but she found out I broke her heart all that and then some . Since I put all my business out there . Only reason why I cheated was because I wanted a kid . I wanted her for sure but I wanted a kid . As time passed us by I realized she doesn’t want kids at all . So I had to make a decision , kids or stick around for my one true love in my adult life . So I looked her in the face , I probably had tears In my eyes and told her I chose her . She looked at me with confusion for a little and I dont think she anted me to flat out give up kids. But I was gone doe what I had to do to keep her by my side . 

Now before we get to me cheating . I had an apartment on Old Morgantown Road . I loved that damn space man . Hard wood flooring . Storage unit . I had a w/d hook up . I had a good apartment and I could afford it and be able to live my best life . Rent was 475 a month . Utilities and water ran me about 80 . So I was well within my budget . But my dumb ass got involved with this man who I thought I could change . I was trying to hear from nobody about nothing . I wasnt trying to hear that he was cheating because I felt like I gave him no reason to cheat . I was giving him everything and then some . Hell I let his stupid ass cousin stay on my couch . So they were living rent free right , I know stupid Kendra always doing dumb shit . I should have opened my eyes but I didn’t . 

Well he and I are definitely no longer together . He got my little cousin pregnant . I dont know whats worse . That she knew he was still living with me . That she knew we was kin . That he knew we was still together , fucking and living together and I never ask for a dollar . Or that my bosses had to call me in the office with another one of my cousins and sit me down to tell and show me that he was cheating and she was pregnant . It even shocked me that she tried to question me about my niggas car . Like girl he and I live together so yes maam I’m gone drive his car . and she was in shock to see me in the drivers seat . huh . Aint that funny how it all played out though ? But you know , karma got took his dick for a minute . He got the worst news of his life . His heart was just as shattered as mine . His trust was screwed if not worse than mine . He found out that while he was too busy cheating on me , she was getting knocked down by his cousin . LMFAO SERIOUSLY . He did all that cheating and got that girl pregnant and ended up getting played himself . So while I was his woman , he had a side bitch who had a side nigga , but THE SIDE NIGGA HAD A SIDE BITCH . I hadnt had sex with him in a while because things started getting to me and I was becoming very suspicious so I was still going to get checked anyways . But yea . What a fckd up love hexagon . Crazy how we all worked together . But when I reached my snapping point . I became a little on the ratchet side and called his mom and told her come get her sons belongings because he was homeless again . My cousin didnt have her own spot so somebody had to come take care of him because by that time I was done pretending . 

Shit got bad for me mentally . I had me fckd up . I lost my job and went broke because I drank and popped it away . I know definitely wasn’t the right thing but I just wanted to feel numb to everything . I didnt really care how I got high just as long as I as high I was okay and at peace . 

Alot of time went by and my past came back . She made me feel safe . And she saw me ; like the actual me . She knew something was up . Hell I gained 50 pounds since the last time we seen each other . But when she came back . I dont know if I was more so excited to see her or trying to fuck her right there on the floor at work . I walked in the door and the moment I seen her ... I didnt care who I was talking to , I think Wanda , I’m sorry boo but I seen my old boo and just had to do it . I could not help myself I had to hug her before I did anything else . I had a little more weight on me too because during our last encounter , hmm hmm , I was a bit smaller and hadnt grown boobs yet . So when she seen me running 90 mph to her ; baby girl was in for a shock . 

Time went by and we started seeing each other a little more outside of work . Then she started to spend the night . But when she started doing that , I think I made things a little complicated for her at her moms . I had no intentions of doing so but it kinda got weird because she wasnt coming home very much any more . But yall , when I had her all to myself . Do you know how many times I undressed this girl with my eyes . I mean she standing there fully clothed and I seen EVERY INCH of her thru them clothes . It was bad yall . lol . She kinda eventually sorda moved in ; even though I thought she had already moved in . Time went by and things were okay ya know . We were just in the “ talking “ phase and just filling eachother out . She started to grow on me a little more than I planned . and then I wanna say it was my birthday or after ? Baby girl was so drunk . She , our friend Ladaya , and I went to go grab food and drinks . Weeellllllll , I trapped her into drinking and drinking and drinking . We got home ? and she drank and and got funnier as the night went on . I remember that day like it was yesterday and the videos I have are absolutely the funniest videos I have ever recorded . “ butt clouds “ and the car honk that about gave her a damn heart attack . 

Anywho times have went on . We decided to go to hilltop and live there . Who would have thought we would live together because I was stern on not wanting to live with her . It was weird living there . Always wondering if or when we were going to get a roommate . Then ? Thats the first time I ever broke a heart . See , she was always wanting to like distinguish a title. Meanwhile I am petrified of titles and labels and shit . Plus I have labeled myself for so long I didnt want to put a label on she and I . So I waited and waited and waited and decided to test waters . By testing waters meaning , I caught baby fever BAD . LIKE BAD BAD . I wanted a kid so bad I didnt think about talking to her first , I was just hoping one day I could be like , surprise baby we are having a baby ; butttttt I was gonna tell her how I got pregnant IF if actually happened . But she kinda beat me to it . She seen the messages on her tablet and as you know it went to shit from there . I broke her heart . I wasnt sure if or when she would or could ever forgive me . ( its JAn232021 ) and I know she still hasn’t forgiven me for anything . Not sure if she will ever get past it enough to love me love me .

 We made it official , May 2019. By that time the only things that mattered to me were building a life with her. Come August 2020 . We got a place together and as time went on, I knew something was wrong but I would rather ignore it than have to go to the doctor because that just aint my cup of tea. I hate doctors.. they always wanna diagnose people with shit. I just didn’t wanna be one of those people so I held out as long as I could before it got to the point of being unbearable . I lost yet another good job . At first they thought it was covid and it wasnt . I tested negative for covid . Then I had like 5 appointments that following week . I was put on all types of stuff . I was throwing up everything . I was crying non stop . I was doing things not in my normal regimen . Thats when things fell harder on her . Harder as in bills , and stress and everything . I became that burden . I became the thing in the relationship that puts everything on the line . I became the complete faliure in the relationship . 

I wasn’t able to help like I planned . in fact my checks were so small that every pay day because I had all my bills and people I owed money to on auto pay and I kept amking promises, put me in the negatives . I was in the negatives for 3 to 4 months . So imagine being the one in the relationship who didnt feel welcome . Who didnt feel like I desrved the love and things like that . All I wanted to do was help out and I couldn’t . Made me want to pack up and wait until I knew she was gone so I could leave . I didn’t know what to do . But I knew I was pretty much of no use . I knew that she resented me . I knew it pushed things back so far it may never come back to normal . 

But now , Im better than I was still struggling though .  But I have this amazing job . I have a job where I can do my part and not hurt . I have a job where I can finally help out now . But its not enough . I’m not enough . The love is not enough anymore . I have became disposable . I have become the one who broke and shattered her heart and trust in her adult love life . How do I come back from it ? How do I rescue something that may have already died ? Am I worth it ? Am I better off without ? Do I deserve her ? She deserves the world and I want to give it to her I do .

But idk , maybe my mom was right . just maybe the only things I’m good at are singing and laying on my back . Havent accomplished shit yet . Got banned from a job because I tried to put my hands on someone . Got fired from 3 good fucking jobs because of my health . 

Im crashing at this point . My future is on edge . I am on edge . this is not cool dude . 

[feduprona]

A World Where Roses Bloom

 What happens when you, a person who no longer look forward to live  beyond 40 years old meets another person who lived her life to the fullest and now ready to settle ?

It all started  six years ago, when I had so much anguish about my life then--I was always sick,a  quarter will not end  without me going to ER and having these various types of illness. I was also having a hard time working because I had not immediate manager and I had a confusing  “romantic issue” at the office which ended horribly, I felt so overwhelmed that  I just wanted to die.

I tried to seek professional medical help so I can get by, but still, I couldnt manage my life, I had no productive output,bosses resented me  and I turned to alcohol to drown my  emptiness. I met a few friends who were able to navigate me to sanity again,

But still,

Last December, my bestfriend at work invited me to their house and we spent the whole day eating,drinking and laughing, a few hours later he dies.

It was one of the darkest days of my life. There was no second that  I did not shed a tear for his demise,It was so painful that my thoughts about ending my life became stronger,I realized that I really dont want to live and grow older anymore.I had two dear friends who held me so tight that I got so embarrassed that i was already letting go.

I just dont look forward getting old anymore.I dont have anything to look forward  and live for, I felt that I dont have any reason anymore to try  living.I always wake  up with heavy thoughts and my nights were even longer.So I was already committed to my plans that I will  die before I reach 40 years old. 

Here comes pandemic and it maybe unfair to others, but this year brought so much peace in my life ---i was forced to relocate near  office so I can continue working but I was able to save a lot of energy,money and time as the traffic is no longer a major upsetting factor on daily basis.My travel, unpredictable field work and exposure to pollution became  old news.They are now things of my pressurized past .Living alone made me learn a lot about household chores, revived my childhood hobbies and made me a bit relaxed. Fear of getting infected with COVID19 was actually not a priority.I was able to live a better normal. It also helped that  I was surrounded by  openly gay workmates who eventually became my friends--I became more comfortable getting out from my restraints.I became more confident of my sexuality.

And so one day I needed a doctor again.Thats when I met HER.

For the first time in  8 years , I had the energy and courage to express my attraction to a woman . I asked her out and everything fell perfectly into beautiful places. I was already feeling fine with my life in time of quarantine but I felt excited for the first time again in years.It could be anything or nothing, but I was happy waking up knowing that there is someone who also wanted be with me ,eat with me,laugh with me while doing serious tasks like reviewing for her upcoming medical board and just sit together talking about anything under the sun.

I work up late nights still singing silly lovesongs;

I get up every fucking morning ,inspired to dance and run;

I walked under the sun and through the rain  feeling just...happy.

Am I beginning to want to live again? Or I was just lost in the moment? 

Or maybe ,I was  secretly hoping to feel this way again?

There were also instances that she asked me if I had any plans for us or if I want to lead  whatever we had for something more I had a ready answer. I could not commit anything more for now. I am not even sure if this is a good time to get into something more serious. I had so many excuses that I knew she knew that I wasnt there for any clear purpose.

And I did not feel guilty at all. Maybe because I knew it was the truth and I knew that i could not give more.

So we moved on and continued to be just happy  to be with each other--sans clarity. We went on  dating and just enjoyed each other’s company. She was so easy to like and maybe, love, she was not complicated ,matured and never demanded anything from me.

Or so I thought?

“I am getting married.”

She told me that at 18 years old, her parents gave her the freedom ticket to do whatever she wanted except use illegal drugs, get married or get  pregnant.And she did live her life to the fullest of her knowledge and whims. She travelled the world, dated a lot and just did everything that she thought that made  her happy and fulfilled while taking up Medicine.

Now that shes going to take the last medical board that will allow her to practice her chosen subspecialty and will eventually setup her own clinic, this also indicatesthat her freedom ticket will expire  anytime soon,Her parents believed that  12 years was already enough to make her enjoy her youth.Now its time to takeover the family  hospital and marry the man they thought was perfect for her to build a family and to run the business.

And she’s okay with it.She believed that she already had  the life she always wanted and maybe it's just right to settle now.

Then it dawned to me that she asked me if  I had plans because she had to see how she can manage expectations without getting too invested in our whirlwind relationship--for whatever it is called.

I had a few hours of confusion if I am going to get hurt or keep my fascination that arranged marriage still exists in this millennial generation--and someone like her accepted it. Nevertheless, I can say we both made a choice for our future or my lack of vision thereof. 

I was not heartbroken since I never wanted to commit anything as I stopped planning and making life goals anymore. I was also afraid that it might be unfair for someone like her at  the prime of her career to be with me who  lived moment by moment.

It was good as it could get anyway. And I was kind of glad that it will end anytime soon without too much attachments. It was not yet hard to let go.

Perhaps,amidst pandemic and all this uncertainty, I had a few months  living in  the world where roses blooms.

What happens when you, a person who no longer look forward to live  beyond 40 years old meets another person who lived her life to the fullest and now ready to settle ?

Not much. Everything has been planned to end anyway.

[stacksonstacksonstacksgirl]

Teething

A/N: Okay so this idea is the love child of a conversation that @chrissy22787 and I had the other night when I felt like I was dying in pain and needed a doctor Niall fic but didnt know any and that combined with my love for Daddy Nialler made this lol. Please be gentle it is a pretty rough draft and it starts pretty slowly but  please let me know what you do or dont love! 

It had all started with London... 

Malcolm and Gloria were a pair of the nicest as well as the richest people you had ever known. You know how it is with wealthy people though, constantly traveling whether it was for business or pleasure. Which is why after working for Gloria for a few years as one of her many interns you were very surprised when she had told you that her and Mr. Winters were having their first child. It wasn’t that they were bad people, no on the contrary you really liked them, it was just the fact that they had never even seemed like they wanted children. 

Anyway they were having a baby and you could fondly remember the day Gloria told you in her office.

“Mrs. Winters thats fantastic! Oh you must be so excited!”

“Please call me Gloria! My mother in law is Mrs. Winter, and yes, Malcolm and I are thrilled! There’s just one problem and I’m hoping that you might be what we need to solve it.”

“A problem?”

“Well yes, you see, my husband just got a promotion and because of that we will be moving to London as soon as possible while it is still an option for me to fly there.”

“And you need me to help pack?”

“Haha! Luna no! I was going to ask how you would feel about coming with us? To London, I mean. Listen I know it’s a lot to ask and if we had another choice then I wouldn’t be asking, but we dont know many young people or even able bodied for that matter and we don’t really know anyone in London either... Malcolm and I just want someone we can trust to help in raising our child and well... we trust you.”

After a few conversations over some odd months, a certified contract, and a plane ticket later, you had made the move to London. You were the Winters’ full time nanny and you were as happy as can be. 

As the years went by you found that you couldn’t even imagine living anywhere else and Gloria, Malcolm, and little Alexia had become like family. You found yourself over even when both parents were home and you were all just enjoying each others’ company as adults. You thought nothing could ever go wrong until something finally did...

**********************

It was a Sunday which was normally your only day off through out the week and  you were out with your friends which was also pretty normal for your day off. What was not normal was the phone call you got at almost 11 at night.

“Malcolm? Is everything okay?”

“Luna? Oh thank goodness you answered! I know its you day off but Gloria and I have a family emergency that we need to see to and we cant leave Lex alone, is there any way you could come over as soon as possible?”

“O-of course, I’ll leave right now! I should be there in about 45 minutes tops...”

“Thank you so much Luna.”

And with that you both hung up leaving you to rush over there as fast as you could.

You tried to gain as much composure as you could before you rang the door bell. You already knew that if Glo and Malcolm were a mess then the last thing Lex needed was to see another freaked out adult, and so you took a deep breath forced a small smile and pushed the button.

Mrs. Winters opened the door with a sad face and then she explained everything as you walked in.

“Malcolm’s mother is in the hospital and unfortunately it is looking very grim so we were just going to fly to Paris for a few days to make sure all her affairs are in order with everyone and to hopefully help her get better but also to be there just in case.... things dont...”

“No, of course I understand. Alexia and I will be fine please, go, and tell Malcolm we’ll be fine.”

“Thank you so much Luna. I’ll leave the number to reach us in Paris on the fridge as well as some of the family over there’s phone numbers.”

“Alright”

“Oh and Luna? We love you and Lex both so much...”

“We love you guys too Glo, now really you guys should head out before there are no more planes going out.”

*2 hours later*

“Una? My mouth hurts...”

“Your mouth huh? It’s probably from eating all that candy earlier today! Hmm lemme see, climb up babe, show me where?”

“Nuh uh! I didn’t have no candy today!”

“You mean you didn’t have any candy, what does Luna always say?”

“Una says grammar matters!”

“That’s right babe, now show me where your mouth hurts...”

“Right here!” she said as she pointed her adorable toddler finger at the back of her mouth

“Hmmm I dont see anything. Maybe you have some food stuck back there. I think we should brush our teeth yeah?”

Saying that caused the little blonde child to climb down from your lap and pull a discouraging face.

“Oh come on Lex! Do you want your mouth to stop hurting?”

Her face softened a bit

“Alright well how about if I brush with you and afterwards we can watch our favorite boys on the telly for a bit before bed?”

That got her. Lex had gad grown fond of a boyband you introduced her from your childhood and she loved telly before bed. Both reasons which caused her to beat you to the bathroom, toothbrush in hand by the time you got there.

Finally after a lot of coaxing, a small toothpaste war, and a little bit of tv you got the little one in bed sound asleep. You were exhausted and could not wait to get into the bed you had at the Winters’ house but first you made sure you had every baby monitor on and all the doors and windows locked. It wasnt long after your head hit the pillow that you fell into a deep slumber for a little while anyway.

**************************

You didn’t even get to check the time before you jumped out of bed and run into Alexia’s room.

‘What?! What’s wrong?! Lex I need you to use your words honey!”

“MY” gasp “MOUTH” was all you could really make out between sobs and small fingers jammed in her mouth trying to soothe whatever pain she was feeling 

It was then while reaching to pick up Lex from her crib that you realized she was burning up and her face was flushed but her poor cheeks were red as could be. A fever, just what you both needed right now.

Normally you would call her parents and let them know but you figured they were already dealing with so much you could tell them this later and you decided to take care of it on you own.

 After taking a minute to calm your the poor darling down you took her into the bathroom and drew her a bath to help cool her down. It helped a bit and she calmed down a lot but of course bath crayons will do that for a three year old.

“Do you feel any cooler baby girl?”

“Nope still hot... and still hurt in my mouth... riiiight here...” she tried to show you while opening wide

Blood... she was bleeding in her mouth! You could feel the tears swelling in your eyes but you tried to stay calm for Lex’s sake.

“Babe? Let’s get you dressed so we can go see a doctor okay?”

That was when you finally got a look at the time. 3 O’clock in the morning and you had a smalll child bleeding from her mouth and running a high fever. The only place remotely close and open would be the ER. 

*********************

After a short drive you and Lex had made it to the ER with no real issues. Once you got into the ER you started to encounter some issues. The place was packed full of people but you tried to remain patient and managed to get Lex to drink some water.

“Alexia Winters?”

“That’s us!”

“Follow me please, Doctor Horan will see you now.”

You picked up the small girl who felt like a solid brick because of how weak she was and how hard she was clinging to your body. You could feel the tears you had been holding back start to leak and run down your face as the nurse lead you into the very quiet white room. It was empty.

“I thought you said the doctor was ready?”

“He’ll be with you in just a minute.” was all she said before she turned and left

You and Alexia both looked around

“Una I’m scared...”

“Don’t be scared you silly bird!-” You were glad she couldn’t tell you were nervous too “I am absolutely positive that the doctor is very nice...” you assured her with a small wink

Lex smiled and you both turned to look at the door when you heard a knock

“Alexia Winters? Oh ‘ello der... I didn’t know there were two of ya. I’m doctor Horan.” he gave you both a smile and you felt your worries melt away.

“Hello Doctor Horan, I’m Luna and this is Alexia...” you said motioning to Lex

“’Ello Alexia! How are you feeling princess? Do ya still feel yuck?” he asked the toddler scrunching up his nose

“Yes! Real yuck and hot too!” Lex mimicked his face

“I’m so sorry love, me and Ms. Luna are going to work together to try to make you feel better okay?”

He was gorgeous and his Irish accent was lovely. You were pretty sure you hadn’t seen him before. Unfortunately ER visits were a frequent thing for you. Between being a nanny and having the clumsiest best friend ever you were pretty sure you had met every doctor in this whole building but it would seem you were wrong.

 “Right so Luna, why don’t you start by telling me what lead you to bring your daughter in tonight?” 

“Right... my daughter...” no use getting into details “Well the poor girl has been complaining about her mouth hurting her all evening and then she woke up a few hours ago in tears and burning up and I just can’t get her fever down at all and I just dont know what to do...” you said feeling very small and practically running all your words together

“Woah you said her mouth was hurting her? Ahh it all makes sense now! Open up darlin?” He asked Lex before looking into her mouth

“What makes sense? What is it?”

“Someone is getting in their big girl teeth!” He said smiling and handing Lex a sticker

“Wait... what?”

“Oh she’s jus teethin ‘s all... Her molars in the back are comin in which can sometimes cause a fever, obviously some pain, even a bit of bleedin’ but all in all she’s gonna be just fine.” he said giving me a sympathetic smile

“Oh that’s great! Oh wow! Well I feel a lot better ha! Thank you so much Dr. Horan... I dont know what I would’ve done.”

“Well we wont have to worry about that because she’s getting a prescription for some baby orajel and lots of teething toys alright little one?” he nodded at Lex and she nodded back giggling

“Well I think she’s feeling a little better already. Didn’t I tell you the doctor would be nice Lex?” you asked tickling the small child while bringing her to your hip

“Well it’s easy to be a nice doctor when I have such amazing little patients as you!”

“Oh... are all your patients... little?”

“Well most of them are. I’m actually a pediatrician, I’m just covering for a fellow doctor who had to call off tonight.”

You didn’t know if it was fate or just plain luck that you met him that night but you had a hoped that you would be seeing more of Doctor Niall Horan. You were felling great.

Until the phone rang and you saw that it was the Winters...

Uh Oh..

[acs0qbzk-blog]

Car insurance...?? please answer!!?

Car insurance...?? please answer!!?

hey I live in Ontario Canada and I am a G2 driver. when I first got my licence I was put under my parents insurance because I still live with them and driving their car! since then my boyfriend has a car that I use alot more then my parent s car BUT we don t live together and my understanding both my parents and my bf called their insurance companies and made sure that as long as your an insured driver you can drive any car that is insured!! my question is IF I got into an accident driving my bf s car who s insurance would it go through?? mine or his?? or would I be responsible to pay it out of my pocket?? like I said I am an insured driver I am just not on his insurance....?? please help!!

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :tipsinsurance.xyz

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Hi I m only 20 already paid? Or they would be best and some type of car for a 17 year on your age and I need Health insurance is an annuity insurance? rights before calling insurance Im 16 and i is doing any good and plan on paying this standard procedure when give me an approximate anyone about my age what is the website is good with teenagers Insurance is the cheapest roughly 5 or 6 & hospitalization as well was to become disabled? under nationwide insurance ...where insure for are doctors 18 year old who through all the forms. we should go insurance by law this property far I borrow a to do with ages anymore. I haven t been This has been more car insurance? Am I driver has no private a medication called androgel. for Insurance??? Is there using one of my Why does it come to drive the car. higher road taxes and rs. I dont want a Child Plan. Please .

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[therealestatesparkblog]

How Adopting 7 Kids at Once Led Me to Launch My Real Estate Investing Career

The truth is that I did not get involved in real estate in a meaningful way until later in my life. I have been a chiropractic physician for 29 years, but Im really an entrepreneur at heart. I have started or purchased six multi-discipline medical clinics in my career and have been involved in a number of other businesses. None, however, have matched the combination of relative safety and potential returns afforded by real estate. Still, for some reason, I could never pull the trigger and launch my real estate investing career. Unfortunately I sat on the sidelines for a number of years. I hoped to get started but never did. Like many of you, I read Robert Kiyosakis Rich Dad Poor Dadand a few other real estate books, but it wasnt enough. Looking back now, I can point to several life events that lit a fire under me and finally got me off the bench and into the game. Over the past few years, I have flipped a couple houses, owned a small apartment complex, developed a large commercial retail strip center, syndicated a 125-door multifamily townhome complex, and am just finishing the co-syndication of a large self-storage deal. I am in my 50s and wish I had started earlier. No matter your age, though, if you are procrastinating like I did, hopefully you can use one or more of the following five steps to get started. 5 Steps to Launch Your Real Estate Career1. Find your passion. Twenty years ago, my wife and I became interested in adoption. We had two biological kids at the time and wanted to adopt a third child. While working with an organization that facilitated the adoption of Eastern European orphans, we heard about a sibling group of seven Russian children that the Russian government was going to split up and send to three different countries. My wife decided she would make it her personal mission to find a family that could keep these siblings from being separated. The idea of someone taking that many kids into their home blew us away, and we made a list of all of our friends and acquaintances that we thought might be able to afford such a monumental task. The Russian government announced they would be separating the children in a few months. As the date approached with no takers in sight, we began to ask ourselves if there was any way we could adopt them ourselves. Its a very long story, but fast forward to August of 1988. We were told at the U.S. Embassy that we had completed the single largest adoption in U.S./Russian history (at a single time). It was a big culture shock to bring seven Russian speaking kids into our home for sure. But the real shock was just around the corner when the financial reality of our decision began to hit home. Nine sets of clothing, nine bikes, nine soccer teams, nine college educations, nine weddingsyou get the picture. The financial pressure began to build. I rapidly set out on a course to produce more income. I started or purchased six different medical clinics. I developed anathletic club, which eventually grew to 1,500 members. I purchased a sports performance enhancement franchise. And we even started a coffee shop/deli. Some produced more cash flow than others, but the one problem all those businesses had in common was that they took immense amounts of my personal time. I was fairly successful at creating additional income, but I was killing myself. My family life was suffering. I quickly realized working 70-80 hours a week would not work. There are few things that I am more passionate about than my family, so I threw myself into a massive search for ways to create passive income. It was this search that eventually led me to real estate. You can do the same thing. Figure out what you are passionate about. Focus on the end results. Getfired up and use that passion to fuel your real estate dreams.

Related: If I Started My Real Estate Business Again Today, THIS is What Id Change 2. Harness fear. As humans, nothing makes us react quite like fear. Fear comes in all shapes and sizes. There are literally hundreds of types of fears and phobiasfear of pain, of disease, of injury, of tight spaces, of rejection, and of failure, to name a few. People will do just about anything to avoid their fears. If they are forced to face fear, they go into fight or flight mode or they are paralyzed by fear and do nothing at all. Fortunately, a random encounter with a couple of patients changed my investing mindset forever. It was March 6, 2009, and the stock market was in the final throes of its great crash. I walked into a treatment room, and there sat a patient with tears streaming down his face. It was odd because this was a big burly guy who had just retired from a local factory and was a pretty tough character. I soon found out he was not crying because of his back or neck pain but because he had just lost almost all of his retirement savings in the stock market. Apparently, this gentleman had taken his retirement payments as a lump sum and had recently dumped it all in the market. As he sat on my exam table, he explained how in a few short days, he had lost more than 70 percent of his retirement savings, and those savings had taken him 40 years to amass! I am not usually at a loss for words, but nothing in my medical training could have prepared me for that moment. A couple of days later, I was seeing another patient. Mrs. Smith (not her real name) was a 50-something retired school teacher and seemed to be in a better mood than normal. I noticed her cheerfulness and asked her why she seemed so happy. She went on to explain how she and her husband had taken all of their retirement funds out of the stock market about a year previously and had used the funds to buy rental property. Their rentals were leased, and frankly, they were really enjoying retirement. Fortunate to have gotten out of the market when they did, this new landlord was not affected by the downturn in the markets at all. I had really never trusted the stock market. I mean, with the almost-daily headlines of one major bank after another caught cheating their clients or gaming the system somehow, this ladys message really hit home with me. Even so, I had always been too afraid of missing out on that once-in-a-lifetime Amazon or Microsoft stock pick to shift my investing away from the stock market. Right then and there, it finally hit home. When it came to real estate, I was afraid to make a mistake that would cost me money. Since I was not sure when or where to start, I just sat doing nothing for years. I had analysis paralysis, but I realized I was much more scared of ending up like my first patient, crying in a doctors office somewhere having lost the majority of my retirement. I finally made a commitment that real estate would be my investment vehicle of choice. 3. Find your motivation. A few years back, an MRI revealed I had a torn rotator cuff, torn labrum, and arthritis in my shoulder. Decades of occupational abuse and years of chasing baseball scholarships had taken their toll. My orthopedic physician announced I could either give up my chiropractic career immediately, or in about four years, I would need a shoulder replacement. Suddenly, I was heading toward for an untimely retirement. I was shocked. I had dedicated the last 29 years of my life to helping people heal. My entire identity was tied up in being a healthcare provider. At the same time, Obamacare was rapidly eroding away my practice of two-plus decades. I had no idea what I would do, but knew I needed a plan and needed one quick. After much angst and a considerable amount of prayer, I decided it was time to jump in with both feet. I still have a medical practice, but am working full-time on a plan to exit healthcare as soon as possible. Even though I didnt recognize it at the time, life circumstances helped me find my motivation. Each individual has their own unique mix of life experiences and desires that fuel their drive for success. For some, its the thought of a penniless retirement. For others, it is the commitment to never let their children grow up in poverty (like they did). Some people say that success is a lake home or traveling the world. Others have an altruistic motivation to give back to those less fortunate. There are 1,001 books on ramping up personal motivation. For me, however, it boils down to a very simple concept: Focusing on my goals 10 times more than I focus on the roadblocks. Every time I run up against what seems like an insurmountable roadblock, I pull out my list of goals and focus on what I want to accomplish. Time spent focusing on what matters most turbocharges my motivation levels. The roadblocks seem to work themselves out. Whats your motivation? Related: How to Jumpstart Your Investing Career as a Multifamily Deal Finder 4. Hire a mentor. Every athlete from t-ball to the big leagues has a coach. They need someone they can learn from who is more experienced. Someone who knows the ins and outs of the game. Its no different in real estate. If you are serious about learning the craft, you need to find someone to teach you the ropes. When I finally got serious, I hired a mentor. I knew if I spent my hard-earned money on a program, I would take it seriously. There are lots of mentors and training programs on BiggerPockets. For me, I knew the more expensive the program, the more commitment I was likely to have. I am not talking about a weekend seminar with a few handouts. I chose a company called 37th Parallel Properties. Their program is a comprehensive year-long mentorship. It includes visits to real assets across the country (much like getting an MBA in multifamily investing). Dont get me wrongnot everyone needs to pay for a mentor, but dont attempt to go it alone. Learn from someone elses mistakes. Its one of the many reasons I am such a big fan of BiggerPockets. You can learn so much just by hanging out in the community and reading the advice of experienced investors. Whether you hope to invest in single family homes, self-storage units, large multifamily communities, or mobile home parks, there is always someone with expertise willing to share.

5.Leverage the experience of others. Maybe you dont need to change careers like me. Maybe you just want to use commercial real estate to turbocharge your portfolio. Maybe you just want to be a passive investor and have very little interest in toilets, tenants, and trash. If you are an accredited or sophisticated investor, syndicated deals may be the best approach for you. Some companies offer syndicated real estate investments. They specialize in sourcing lucrative real estate assets and packaging them up for passive investors. They typically underwrite the project, perform all due diligence, line up debt, and complete the purchase. The companies then operate and oversee these assets so that their investors can realize great profits minus the headaches. Choosing a company that you feel comfortable with is the key to any syndicated investment. While it is a much quicker way to jump into the fray, be careful! Take your time and choose the specific deal and syndicator carefully. Ask lots of questions and always check references. So, what is holding you back? Whats it going to take to get you off the sidelines? Dont procrastinate like I did! Hey, if an old chiropractor can do it

What motivation led to your first investment? What did your journey there look like? Take a moment to share what it took to make your first real estate investment! https://www.biggerpockets.com/renewsblog/seven-child-adoption-launch-real-estate-career