#@whirlwindromance romanticlove

[feduprona]

A World Where Roses Bloom

 What happens when you, a person who no longer look forward to live  beyond 40 years old meets another person who lived her life to the fullest and now ready to settle ?

It all started  six years ago, when I had so much anguish about my life then--I was always sick,a  quarter will not end  without me going to ER and having these various types of illness. I was also having a hard time working because I had not immediate manager and I had a confusing  “romantic issue” at the office which ended horribly, I felt so overwhelmed that  I just wanted to die.

I tried to seek professional medical help so I can get by, but still, I couldnt manage my life, I had no productive output,bosses resented me  and I turned to alcohol to drown my  emptiness. I met a few friends who were able to navigate me to sanity again,

But still,

Last December, my bestfriend at work invited me to their house and we spent the whole day eating,drinking and laughing, a few hours later he dies.

It was one of the darkest days of my life. There was no second that  I did not shed a tear for his demise,It was so painful that my thoughts about ending my life became stronger,I realized that I really dont want to live and grow older anymore.I had two dear friends who held me so tight that I got so embarrassed that i was already letting go.

I just dont look forward getting old anymore.I dont have anything to look forward  and live for, I felt that I dont have any reason anymore to try  living.I always wake  up with heavy thoughts and my nights were even longer.So I was already committed to my plans that I will  die before I reach 40 years old. 

Here comes pandemic and it maybe unfair to others, but this year brought so much peace in my life ---i was forced to relocate near  office so I can continue working but I was able to save a lot of energy,money and time as the traffic is no longer a major upsetting factor on daily basis.My travel, unpredictable field work and exposure to pollution became  old news.They are now things of my pressurized past .Living alone made me learn a lot about household chores, revived my childhood hobbies and made me a bit relaxed. Fear of getting infected with COVID19 was actually not a priority.I was able to live a better normal. It also helped that  I was surrounded by  openly gay workmates who eventually became my friends--I became more comfortable getting out from my restraints.I became more confident of my sexuality.

And so one day I needed a doctor again.Thats when I met HER.

For the first time in  8 years , I had the energy and courage to express my attraction to a woman . I asked her out and everything fell perfectly into beautiful places. I was already feeling fine with my life in time of quarantine but I felt excited for the first time again in years.It could be anything or nothing, but I was happy waking up knowing that there is someone who also wanted be with me ,eat with me,laugh with me while doing serious tasks like reviewing for her upcoming medical board and just sit together talking about anything under the sun.

I work up late nights still singing silly lovesongs;

I get up every fucking morning ,inspired to dance and run;

I walked under the sun and through the rain  feeling just...happy.

Am I beginning to want to live again? Or I was just lost in the moment? 

Or maybe ,I was  secretly hoping to feel this way again?

There were also instances that she asked me if I had any plans for us or if I want to lead  whatever we had for something more I had a ready answer. I could not commit anything more for now. I am not even sure if this is a good time to get into something more serious. I had so many excuses that I knew she knew that I wasnt there for any clear purpose.

And I did not feel guilty at all. Maybe because I knew it was the truth and I knew that i could not give more.

So we moved on and continued to be just happy  to be with each other--sans clarity. We went on  dating and just enjoyed each other’s company. She was so easy to like and maybe, love, she was not complicated ,matured and never demanded anything from me.

Or so I thought?

“I am getting married.”

She told me that at 18 years old, her parents gave her the freedom ticket to do whatever she wanted except use illegal drugs, get married or get  pregnant.And she did live her life to the fullest of her knowledge and whims. She travelled the world, dated a lot and just did everything that she thought that made  her happy and fulfilled while taking up Medicine.

Now that shes going to take the last medical board that will allow her to practice her chosen subspecialty and will eventually setup her own clinic, this also indicatesthat her freedom ticket will expire  anytime soon,Her parents believed that  12 years was already enough to make her enjoy her youth.Now its time to takeover the family  hospital and marry the man they thought was perfect for her to build a family and to run the business.

And she’s okay with it.She believed that she already had  the life she always wanted and maybe it's just right to settle now.

Then it dawned to me that she asked me if  I had plans because she had to see how she can manage expectations without getting too invested in our whirlwind relationship--for whatever it is called.

I had a few hours of confusion if I am going to get hurt or keep my fascination that arranged marriage still exists in this millennial generation--and someone like her accepted it. Nevertheless, I can say we both made a choice for our future or my lack of vision thereof. 

I was not heartbroken since I never wanted to commit anything as I stopped planning and making life goals anymore. I was also afraid that it might be unfair for someone like her at  the prime of her career to be with me who  lived moment by moment.

It was good as it could get anyway. And I was kind of glad that it will end anytime soon without too much attachments. It was not yet hard to let go.

Perhaps,amidst pandemic and all this uncertainty, I had a few months  living in  the world where roses blooms.

What happens when you, a person who no longer look forward to live  beyond 40 years old meets another person who lived her life to the fullest and now ready to settle ?

Not much. Everything has been planned to end anyway.