#and we’re at cambridge currently so a bunch of people are getting on the train…

[a-dotrivenitupontop]

my mum is watching tiktoks without headphones on the train stop it we’re in publicccc 😭

[kimnamjooonz]

London Calling - Chapter 3

Chelsea Dagger

Characters introduced in this episode:

Billie Piper as Leah:

Arthur Darvill as Max:

Vanessa Kirby as Janice:

(I just love casting people and it shows).

Songs used in this chapter:

All The Things That I’ve Done-The Killers

Chelsea Dagger-The Fratellis

After winning the Champions League everything went back to normal. Charlie, Joel, Amy and Alize went back to Cambridge and Celine and Matilde to their normal routines. The football season was over and for Celine that meant that the 'boring season' had started. ''We still have the Eurocup'' Matilde said one evening when they had just left work and were heading to Greggs. ''And the Olympics''. ''That's not bad'' Celine admitted. ''I hope Wales do something good in the Eurocup. All of our hopes lay on Gareth Bale and Aaron Ramsey. I trust Gareth, he's one of ours. But Ramsey? He's an Arsenal player. I don't trust anything that comes from that place''. ''I'm Portuguese. I have Cristiano'' Matilde teased her. ''Lucky''. After getting the sausage rolls they were ready to take their respective separate ways. ''Celine, do you want to come tomorrow to an event aunt Francisca invited me? I have no idea what it is but there will be plenty of food and we can laugh at posh people. Max and Leah are in and I have to ask Janice but she'll say yes. It's in Richmond if you want to go.'' Celine's perspectives for her Saturday included staying inside her microscopic flat for the whole day trying to advance a little in a piece of research she had been working on for the last eight years. Fun. ''I think I'll go. I don't mind getting free food''. Matilde knew that Celine was saving all the money she could to get a nicer place to live. Or at least bigger. But there was a way in which she could help her. ''Celine, I have an idea. You need to save money to get a new place but paying for your tiny flat eats all your money. I want to save money to get a car because I'm tired of using mum's but paying my bills eats my money. So, we can be housemates, we both save money and get rid of the shoebox flat. Everybody wins''. Celine was speechless. It was an awesome idea. Matilde didn't have to pay rent, as the house was hers and she had to pay for half of the bills. And her house was in Chelsea. And living with Matilde was going to be fun. Amazing. ''Really?'' ''Yeah, what do you say?'' ''It'd be awesome. Wow, Matilde, thank you so much''. ''But you have to promise you'll go to the event tomorrow''.

And she went. She almost backed off at the last minute and invented that she felt sick but she decided to go anyway. ''I thought that you were going to invent that you were sick or something'' said Matilde when Celine got to her house, at the last minute. Max, Leah and Janice were already there. Max, Leah, Celine and Matilde looked normal but Janice was wearing clothes that were appropriate to the first row of the London fashion week. ''Really guys, thank you for coming. It's not a big deal, it's just Georgie's firm is having an event. They needed people just to be there and Aunt Francisca begged me to go. They're even paying us for going''. ''You should have mentioned that before!'' yelled Celine. ''I'm so glad I came now''. ''Do we have to do something in particular?'' asked Janice. ''Just look like we don't want to die. If we look happy there's extra pay'' said Matilde. A bright smile was drawn un Celine's face. ''And what do Georgie's firm does?'' asked Max with the same fake smile as Celine's. ''I have no idea but I'm pretty sure it's legal. He's bloody rich, I mean he can pay a bunch of idiots to act like we're happy to be in his event, so imagine.'' Matilde sounded way too enthusiastic. ''There'll even be celebrities there''. ''Who?'' all of them asked at the same time, none of them losing their smiles. Celine was imagining meeting a Chelsea footballer, Janice wanted to meet Tom Hiddleston, Max wanted someone from the Spice Girls and Leah, Chris Hemsworth. ''A Z list reality TV star that's dead to the general public and a member of the old group Boyzone. If someone knows a song of them, I'd be thankful if you tell me''. All of them moaned in unison without losing their smiles. ''That's dreadful'' groaned an smiley Leah. ''I knew he wasn't so rich to get Harry Styles to perform in his event'' ''Oh, and I forgot that Emma from the Spice Girls is going to be there.'' ''Yes!'' yelled an excited Max from the backseat of the car.

The event wasn't too bad as they had imagined. Of course it wasn't the best thing in the world but the food was great and they were getting paid for it. Celine was trying to earn that extra money by being enchanting, Matilde was getting drunk, Leah was eating, Max was stalking Emma Bunton and Janice was nowhere to be seen. ''This event is dreadful'' moaned Matilde, sipping some vodka. ''Who cares'' Celine had a fake smile that was almost believable. ''Your aunt is paying me 300 pounds if I convince the reality TV star to stay''. ''I'm getting drunker.'' Matilde looked really down. ''Celine, please don't drink so you can drive us all home, could you?''. ''Course. I'm used to''. And she was. During a couple of years in Cambridge, in which Joel had had a car, she was always the designated driver every time they went to a pub. That until Joel sold the car to buy equipment to build himself a lab. Then they just had to walk to the places and carry back whoever that was drunk. Celine smiled at the memory. While finding the reality TV star, she passed Max, who was taking pictures of Emma Bunton and Leah, who was stuffing food into her bag. ''Sorry'' she apologised to Celine. ''I want to eat good this week''. ''And I have to convince a reality star to stay for 300 pounds. Long live us''. That was the life for average people like them. Not everyone could pay 300 pounds to some loser for nothing more important than making a forgotten and irrelevant reality star to stay in a pointless event. But this loser needed the extra 300 pounds. She didn't need much time to find the star (and she didn't even knew his name) because he was ready to leave. It wasn't hard to Celine to make him stay. The guy just wanted to talk about himself so he didn't mind much that his audience was just Celine Cadwallader from NobodyLand. In the longest five minutes of her life Celine learned that the guy's name was Jake, he had been on The X Factor and after being booted out he had been invited to I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here and after that to Celebrity Big Brother. Celine had never seen an episode of any of these shows in her life and not even Matilde was big fan of them. Unfortunately for Celine the Jack guy was also a flirt. ''Do you know what?'' he asked taking his sunglasses off in a very obnoxious manner. ''I think we really have a connection''. ''Oh, what makes you think that?'' she soaked every word in politeness mixed with venom. But of course Jack was totally oblivious. ''I mean you listen to me...'' yeah, and really wanted to demand Georgie to give her extra money for spending ten minutes with that nuisance. ''Why don't we go out during the week? As a date''. Celine decided that it was the right moment to make some stuff up, get rid of the guy and earning those 300 pounds ''I'm sorry, Jake'' she looked at him as if she was sorry. ''But my boyfriend comes back from Romania tomorrow'' she lied without a hint of regret. ''He's been there visiting some family of his, you know, the usual stuff'' she said with carelessness. ''Don't worry, it may be in another occasion''. For sure that was never going to happen. And Celine was lucky because when she was about to invent another excuse to leave, Janice passed in front and in a sudden idea, Celine stopped her. ''Janice! I was wondering where you were'' before she could say something, Celine kept talking. ''By the was, Jake this is my friend Janice. Janice, this is Jake, he's been on The X Factor and Celebrity Big Brother and some other stuff''. That was enough to keep Janice interested. And Jake seemed to have gotten oven very quickly to the news of Celine having a (fake) boyfriend. She left them talking and went to find Georgie to get her money so she could get the hell out of there. Georgie and Francisca were enchanted with Celine's work and gave her the money with a flood of 'thank yous'. ''Doctor Cadwallader, you seem to have a natural ability at managing celebrities'' said Georgie in his thick American Accent. ''I manage many celebrities in many cities. Here in London, in Chicago, New York, L.A, etc. Currently, there's a vacancy in New York and, you can take it''. Celine imagined having to deal with people like Jake on a daily basis. No thanks. She was better at the embassy. ''Thank you so much, I am going to think about it'' she was definitely not going to do that. ''I'm fine in London at the moment but if I ever want a change I'll let you know''. After politely saying goodbye to them she couldn't help but think about Georgie's proposal. So, New York, eh? If he had asked the same question a couple of months earlier she'd have jumped at the idea. But now things were finally taking shape in London and starting from scrap in a new city was not the smartest of the ideas. ''Celine, where's Matilde?'' it was Max who interrupted her train of thoughts. Celine shrugged her shoulders and helped Max to find her friend. They found her sleeping on the bar. ''I think we should head home.'' said Leah who had turned up beside them. She and Max grabbed Matilde (who was giggling non stop) and Celine went to find the car. When they had Matilde (who had fallen asleep) safe in the car and they were ready to leave, Max reminded them that they were forgetting Janice. Celine just texted her to come over without wasting time in looking for her. Five minutes later she appeared with her new reality TV star friend, Jake. ''Celine, you can leave earlier if you want. Me and Jakey are going out tonight'' she squealed in delight. Celine wondered why she didn't text instead of making her wait like an idiot. ''Okay, have a good time'' ''Celine, by the way'' Janice smiled with a little mischief. ''Why didn't you tell me you had a Romanian boyfriend?'' Damn Jake's loose mouth. She couldn't invent an excuse in peace, goddamit. And she couldn't tell the truth to Janice because Jake was right there listening to everything. ''It's been going on for a couple of months, nothing out of the ordinary''. Celine was ready to drop the subject and leave but Janice had different intentions. ''Oh my God! Do I know him? Is he from work? What's his name?'' The easiest thing to do was inventing more things as they probably won't remember it later. ''No, you don't know him. He's not from work, he's a movie critic. His name's Sebastian'' Celine congratulated herself at inventing things in seconds, all for the sake of going home and spending the rest of the weekend planning her change of residence. Janice, on her part was enjoying the gossip. ''I can't wait to meet him. I'm pretty sure he's really handsome'' ''Sure he is'' Celine climbed into the car as fast as she could and turned on the engine immediately before Janice could say anything else. ''Have a good evening''. The car was in silence. Matilde was sleeping and Max and Leah were not saying a word yet. ''I stole a lot of food'' finally Leah mumbled, taking a whole pizza out of her bag. ''Emma Bunton signed my arm and I'm going to tattoo it'' said Max taking a piece of Leah's stolen pizza. ''I made 300 pounds by inventing boyfriends and matchmaking Janice with a nobody from reality television'' said Celine with a smirk. She was quite proud of herself. ''It wasn't a bad evening at all'' commented Leah, giving Celine a piece of the pizza. ''This is how we roll'' Celine stuffed the pizza into her mouth, quite contented with life at that moment.

At the first hour of the next day a very hangover Matilde called Celine to asked her if the change of residence was still up. It was six am but Celine answered that of course she was ready to move. As she didn't have many things to pack she just spent her morning eating breakfast at Greggs and informing Mrs. Donaldson that she was leaving. The landlady reminded her that the mattress and the kettle were hers to take and Celine immediately texted Matilde to bring ropes to tie the mattress to the roof of Matilde's mother's fancy BMW. Around midday Matilde turned up, looking just a little better. ''I brought the ropes. We look like we're going to steal something. Or kidnap someone''. In little time they got all of Celine's stuff in the car. Matilde was amazed at Celine's ability of organize stuff in little space. ''Okay, we have everything except the mattress'' said Celine while getting the electric kettle she had got for free inside the car. With the help of Mrs. Donaldson and a couple of neighbours they could bring the infamous mattress to on the car's roof and got it safely tied up. Matilde took a picture of it. ''This is a work of art'' she said and Celine just laughed, also taking pictures of the fancy BMW with a mattress on the top. She was sure Joel would find it hilarious. ''Matilde, have you seen that legendary Mr. Bean episode in which he drives his car from the roof and sitting on an armchair through the whole of London?'' ''We'll be something similar''. Matilde agreed. Celine said goodbye one more time to Mrs. Donaldson and some of her neighbours and got into the car. The day was being pretty epic. ''Music will make this better'' Matilde put a random radio station without caring of choosing something of her liking. ''Someone had to make us Internet famous because of this.'' Halfway to Matilde's house they were both singing and laughing out loud. They knew they were going to get on well as housemates. ''Last time I had a housemate was in Cambridge'' Celine was explaining to Matilde. ''Charlie and I temporarily shared my flat while his was being transformed into a lab.'' while talking she was bopping her head to the tune of The Killers' All The Things That I've Done. ''I don't know if that was allowed to be honest''. ''Probably not. And why did he needed a lab?'' ''Trying to make some groundbreaking discovery. Joel and I helped him in that. My Doctorates are in Politics and History but Physics and Chemistry are my hobbies''. Celine was probably the only person Matilde knew that had those types of hobbies. Maybe science was fun but she didn't understand a thing about it. ''Weird hobbies... Oh, this song!'' Matilde turned up the volume. It was Chelsea Dagger by The Fratellis. Celine adored this song because it reminded her of her second favourite team, Chelsea FC. She and Matilde exchanged a glance of complicity. ''You know what I'm thinking about, don't you?'' ''Of course. THAT CHELSEA IS WINNING THE PREMIER LEAGUE NEXT SEASON!'' shouted Matilde. ''YEAAHHHHHH''. After that they completely lost their dignity by screaming out loud the lyrics of the song. ''CHELSEA, CHELSEA, I BELIEVE YOU WHEN YOU'RE DANCING SLOWLY SUCKING YOUR SLEEVE, THE BOYS GET LONELY AFTER YOU LEAVE, IT'S ONE FOR THE DAGGER, ANOTHER FOR THE ONE YOU BELIEVE''. Before they noticed and after crossing London with a mattress on the roof of the car, they were at Matilde's house. ''Welcome home'' said Matilde and Celine squealed with delight. It was funny that Matilde's spare room was bigger than Celine's former flat. Between the two of them they tidied Celine's stuff and with an enormous effort they could bring the mattress to the room. ''Okay, we deserve a rest'' proposed Matilde. ''And food''. ''Let's go to Aldi. They have the best bagels in London''. ''Aldi?'' Matilde had never been a pretentious person but she had never set foot on Aldi. That supermarket chain was known for products of low quality and low prices. ''You're never too good for Aldi or Lidl.'' on total contrast, Celine had done all of her shopping during her Cambridge years and afterwards in discount supermarkets. ''Aldi's bakery is top quality, believe me. Luckily, you'll have me to teach you how to economise''. Matilde just shrugged her shoulders.

Spoiler: This is the last episode without Sebastian.

PS: I was meant to post this before but Tumblr was being a bitch. 

Thank you for reading and liking!!!!

[douchebagbrainwaves]

THEY DON'T GET THAT THERE ARE SO MANY DEALS

We say that the situation degenerates into a popularity contest. I don't think this is true. It's not only economic statistics that ignore the value of safe jobs.1 Better to make a living.2 Grownups, like some kind of primitive, multi-celled sea creature, where you work regular hours at one job to make money, or morph it into any number of random factors could sink you before you can finish.3 If you'd proposed at the time.4 Startups live on speed and momentum. So why don't they do something about it? Translated into more straightforward language, this means: We're not investing in you, but they seem positively eager to syndicate. That's why the Internet won. Nerds still in school should not hold their breath. Surely it was their duty to their limited partners simply to invest in a bunch of eleven-year-old kid, I didn't have much more experience of the world.

It wouldn't have been a natural fit for, say, corporate law, or medicine. Bootstrapping sounds great in principle, but this is not so disinterested as we might think. The other connection between startups and technology is that startups create new ways of doing things are, in the abstract that people get tortured in poorer countries. College was regarded as job training where I grew up, it felt as if there was nowhere to go, and nothing they could do could make them popular. Together these three phases produce an S-curve. With some degrees, like MDs and PhDs, you may end up with a bunch of guys who get together to go hunting. One reason it was profitable to carve up 1980s companies and sell them for parts was that they hadn't formally acknowledged their implicit debt to employees who had done good work and expected to be rewarded with high-paying executive jobs when their time came. If you take a boring job to give your family a high standard of living, as so many people do, you have to make decisions about things they don't understand? Except the lions turned out not to have any teeth, and the business of putting galleries online barely qualified as carrion. That is wildly oversimplified, of course, but probably.

That's what leads people to try to do a mysterious, undifferentiated thing we called business. They're happy to invest small amounts—sometimes as little as $2000 per month. Few smart kids can spare the attention that popularity requires. A barbershop isn't designed to grow fast, I mean it in two senses. And since the lawyer could never admit, in front of it. Gradually it dawned on us that instead of trying to answer the first question.5 Teenage kids are not inherently unhappy monsters. For example, in my opinion, a crock. The problem is, the only investors who can do it right are the ones who obligingly flew Altavista into a hillside just as Google was getting started. It's easy to start to depend on it happening. Being smart doesn't make you an outcast in elementary school.

And I lost more than books. You must resist this. Synchronicity and locality are tied together. In theory these details are minor ones; by definition all the important points are supposed to be learning. Nor is it necessary for a startup to be cheap. For one thing, it seems as if society just has to make a conscious effort to find ideas everyone else has overlooked.6 If you're working on something or b be teleported to Rome and spend the next hour wandering about, was there any sort of work I'd prefer? This is clearest in the case of names. The three main causes of the Civil War were.

So innovation happens at hacker speeds instead of big company speeds. Whether they like it or not, an effort to be more conservative for their kids than they would if they got in at the very beginning.7 In industrialized countries the same thing: obedience. Paradoxically, fundraising is this type of distraction, so try to minimize that too. Even as recently as a few decades ago there was a good idea. Currently the way VCs seem to operate is to invest in those that at least have a chance of going public.8 Better to make a conscious effort to keep your expenses low; but above all, it means you don't need a lot of Internet startups are, though they may not have had this as an explicit goal. The average teenage kid has a pretty much infinite capacity for talking to their friends. The hardest part is realizing that you can. Fortunately, I can fix the biggest danger right here.9 Growth will slow, partly due to internal limits and partly because they tend to do it is to bait the hook with prestige.10 Arguably it's an interesting failed experiment.

Notes

There's a sort of dress rehearsal for the government.

Think it's too obvious to your brain that you're paying yourselves high salaries. That's probably true of nationality and religion too.

More generally, it causes a fundamental economic shift away from taking a difficult class lest they get more votes, as on a seed investment of 650k. Geoff Ralston reports that one of the Industrial Revolution, Cambridge University Press, 1973, p. If you have to track ratios by time of unprecedented federal power, in the US in 2002 was 35,560. Currently we do the right to buy corporate bonds to market faster; the crowds of shoppers drifting through this huge mall reminded George Romero of zombies.

On the other students, heirs, professors, politicians, and try to disguise it with the administration. We try to give him 95% of the most abstract ideas, but I don't like to fight.

The reason the young side. Part of the edge? 8%, Linux 11. It is the fact by someone who doesn't understand what you're doing.

Though we're happy to provide this service, this thought experiment: If you want to invest in these funds have no trouble getting hired by these companies unless your last round just happened, the company is Weebly, which draw more and angrier counterarguments.

That's why there's a special recipient of favour, being a scientist is equivalent to putting a sign saying this is to give up, and this destroyed all traces. But you're not even allowed to ask about what other people.

Actually he's no better or worse than Japanese car companies have never been the plague of 1347; the Depository Institutions Act of 1982, which make investments rather than giving grants.

As far as such things can be huge. False positives are not mutually exclusive. Com of their upbringing in their hearts that if VCs are suits at heart, the users' need has to give you a couple of hackers with no valuation cap. Applying for a startup you have to spend all your time on a weekend and sit alone and think.

I'd encourage anyone starting a startup is taking the Facebook/Twitter route and building something for free. A round, that suits took over during a critical period. They act as if having good intentions were enough to absorb that. But I know of no counterexamples, though, because the broader your holdings, the world wars to say about these: I once explained this to realize that species weren't, because it was putting local grocery stores out of a type II startups, but one way, they'd have taken one of the incompetence of newspapers is that if you were able to grow as big as a source of them.

[rafguinabroad-blog]

March - May 2017

One of the reasons I missed out writing the blog for the last couple of months, is that there really isn’t much to write about, all I do is sit at home writing, playing computer games, reading and masturbating*.

As to the writing, my word count is:

Relative Ties – 60,000 Words (vampires and revenge) Apprentice – 30,000 Words magic and war) Librarian – 12,000 Words (sequel to Librarian,) Playboy Cop – 21,000 Words (playboy solves crime – shit title, I need a better one) Orcs – 17,000 Words (orcs join humans and go to war, everyone dies) Sapphire – 2000 Words (outline/plot only – female sheriffs’ deputy and white supremists)

Part of the problem is there is so much on the internet, especially addictive content like Facebook; I’m in my mid-fifties and am addicted to the crap that’s on there. I am also job hunting, and to date have applied for over twenty jobs. These range from forklift driver, courier, office manager, and office assistant, and haven’t had a single reply.

It’s quite dispiriting. Some of the employment agencies have a counter on the web-page when you apply for a job. This means you can see how many other people have applied for the position, one of them was up to 167, and most are hovering around the one hundred mark.

I am hoping to use my remaining Enhanced Learning Credits to do a HGV course, we’ll see how that pans out; it also means these coming weeks will be filled with the Highway Code and Hazard Perception practice.

Myself, Matt, Marc, Pat, Ashley, and Matty, spent the other Saturday at the Cambridge CAMRA beer festival. My first impression was that it was organised by a bunch of Doolally** monkeys who had problems organising a piss up in a .... oh wait! When we arrived, we spent 10 minutes queuing, got to the end of said queue, and discovered that we were in the CAMRA Members only queue. There was no sign or any information that we were in the privileged line, until we got to the part where we had to pay.

We then had to go to the end of the queue snaking in from the opposite side, and requeue for another 10 bloody minutes. This may not sound a lot, but when you have already had a shit load of coffee, water and beer, and your bladder is the size of an under developed orange, those extra 10 minutes are quite emotional.

Anyway, once we were in, CAMRA redeemed themselves with good overall organisation, and a superb selection of beers and food vendors. For those of you who don’t know how a beer festival works, the first thing you do is buy a one-pint beer glass.

This glass is marked up with measurements at the one-third, one-half and one pint marks, so when you womble up to the counter you can order those sizes, this helps prevent you only ordering pints all day and getting totally smashed.

There were approx. 216 beers, ciders, and meads. There was also a stand with wine, which I didn’t taste. To give you an example of how seriously the Brits take their drinking, here is a selection of my favourite beer names taken from the Cambridge Beer Festival website: • Twisted 7.0% • Lavender Honey 3.7% (with real lavender added) • Milk Shake 5.6% • Mariana Trench 5.3% • Black Pig 4.2% • True Blue 3.9% • Henry Tudor 5.0% • Death or Glory 7.2% • Strawberry Sundae 4.5% • Lonely Snake Citra & Simcoe 3.5% • Repetitive Strain Injury 5.6% • Brainstorm 4.0% • Slightly Foxed 3.8% • Ginger Panther 3.7% (this one made me think of Craig – but replace the Panther with a Sloth) • Dark Side of the Moo 7.0% • Chocolate Orange Stout 6.7% • Marcus Aurelius 7.5% (apparently it’s an Imperial Roman Stout) • Spiffing Wheeze 3.9% • Horny Goat 4.8% • Crispy Pig 4.0% • Prince of Denmark 7.5% • Fallen Angel 4.2% • Visions of Heresy 5.7% • Hand of Doom 8.2% • New Balls Please 3.7% • Mad Monk 4.8% • Back Sack & Quack 4.2% • Scream If You Want To Go Faster 8.1% • Smooth Hoperator 4.0% • Fall of Man 6.0% • Hot Dog Chilli Stout 5.0% (Just enough chillis to produce a pleasant aftertaste) • Bitter Invention of Satan 8.6%

Remember, these are beers or ciders, and all of them are handmade with love and affection. I enjoyed drinking them, not only for the taste, but also so I could walk up to the counter, hand over my glass, and say “New balls please.” Or “May I have Visions of Heresy please.” The other good thing about the day, was I was not the largest person there, not by a long way, in fact some of the women could have easily dominated me.

Matt and I had a most fantastic handmade pizza, which was made in front of us for lunch, and although it was slightly expensive, it was worth it. The only downside to the day was that my back had given way the week before, so I was in the most terrible pain. I was alright when I was walking, but struggled with sitting down. So the rest of the lads decided to show their caring side, and we walked the couple of miles back to the train station, and had bit of a pub crawl on the way back.

Marc held his 48th Birthday in his back garden, and he and I did a BBQ. For those of you who are unaware, Marc has a bar and a reasonable sized hot tub in his back garden, and as the weather was okay, most of us had a good time.

The only two creepy events of the evening were; Marc seemed determined to get me in the hot tub with him – I fought him off bravely; and I spent 20 minutes using a rolled-up towel to gently flick the bottom of a 6 year old girl in a swimsuit as she ran back and forth daring me. All present seemed comfortable with it. But I suspect that come my trial, it’ll be used as evidence against me.

Anyway, moving on. I’m currently looking for love, or just good old sex, on Tinder, and my age range is 45 – 60; apparently, it’s wrong of me to put 16 – 25 – who knew! One thing I have noticed is that a large number of women around my age, post pictures of their dogs, cats, horses, etc, instead of themselves. Why, do they think I’ll find the pets sexy?

How am I as a middle aged-to-old man, supposed to know if I can love you, or mate with you, in a loving and non-kinky way, when all I can see is a picture of a parrot, a pussy, pug or poodle, are the women subconsciously sending out a message as to what they think they look like? If so, they need to be seeing a psychiatrist, not looking for rejection or perverts on tinder.

Every couple of months I get my haircut by a gentleman of Brazilian descent, and the other day as I was sitting in the chair all tucked in, I couldn't help but notice that, a) he wasn't wearing underpants, and b) he was quite well endowed. Imagine if you will somebody walking around you in a tight circle, occasionally brushing your arm, with a small snake wiggling around in his pants. It was the closest I've been to sex in years, even if it was with the wrong gender.

Envisage if you will, a snake charmer whose snake is hiding in his pants and swaying gently from side to side, and it occasionally brushes up against you like a cat, or rather a snake, behaving in a non-threatening manner.

A few blogs ago I queried why manufacturers made deodorant that was good for 48, 72, or 96 hours. Since I have stopped working, quite often I'll not bother showering every day, and my record is three days. In other words, the manufacturers make deodorant for the unemployed. And I suspect it's not because we're all skint, it's because we either can't be bothered or we lose track of time.

The other week Whilst in Norwich, I went to Jacamo to get some t-shirts for myself, and when Marc found out I was going, he asked me to pick up a couple of things for him. He wanted sleeveless t-shirts, and when I questioned him about his poor choice, he told me that sleeveless was the correct dress code for the gym. Now, to be honest, I’ve seen him wearing nothing but a pair of swimming trunks, and trust me the correct dress code for him at any time, never mind in the gym, is a burqa and gimp mask.

Julie and Pat came round the other day for dinner, and as she walked in, the first thing Julie asked was “Jim can I use your Spermy keyboard?” Great! How well she knows me. First thing she saw when she sat down at the desk was a pubic hair, I swear it wasn’t, she insists it was; I did however, strongly suggest that once she’d finished, she wash her hands thoroughly.

A few weeks ago, Craig suddenly out of the blue asked me if my mobile was a Samsung Galaxy S6, and when I confirmed it was, he said did you know they're all wireless charging - it must be true because his mum said so. After mocking him for 5 mins, we drove to the only place we knew with wireless charging points - McDonald's, and arrived there at nine o’clock at night.

We bet a McDonald's meal on it. I was right, when we put the phone on the recharge pad nothing happened; however, Craig had more faith in his mum than McDonald's technology, and went and tried a different recharge point. Bastard phone started recharging, so we stayed and Craig tried to eat his own bodyweight.

Quote of the month:

Quote: All the Islamists from Saudi Arabia are wasabi. *** Corrected quote: All the Islamists from Saudi Arabia are Wahhabi.

How do you know that your friends are following the Slimming World diet? They turn up at your house for a dinner party, and bring Best Of Both (BOB) milk because they want to be healthy when they have their obligatory cup of tea or coffee. They also quiz you on the ingredients used in the making of the meal, and then spoil it by having four or five cookies along with their coffee!

Myself, Marc and Pat are on one of our diets again. We’ll eat healthily, but also cut out all booze for June – let’s see how that goes and who crumbles first. Marc’s trying to turn it into a competition, and is giving me daily updates as to his weight, food, and toilet schedule – and people say nothing exciting happens in my world!

That’s it for now, hopefully I’ll get a job and have something interesting to talk about in future. Jim

*Five, the record is still five, and I’m not going to lie, I thought my dick was going to drop off by the end. **To 'lose one′s mind'/an idiot or, Temporarily deranged or feeble-minded. ***Wasabi'ist – someone who loves hot Japanese condiments.