#and watch something other than true crime??? my viewing choices were genuinely insane

[fingertipsmp3]

Totally greened out last night 👍🏻

[heyyyharry]

Chapter 4: Hope, Love, Family

(from ‘The Conman and the Maid’ Series)

…in which they make a new friend and Harry receives bad news from home.

Word count: 4.8k

AU: princess!y/n, prisoner!harry, conartist!harry.

Series description: Y/N is a princess and Harry is a prisoner in her castle. With his help, she escapes from her arranged marriage in search of a happy ending, if there is one.

Wattpad link (original character: Reyna as Y/N)

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“I’m hungry.”

“You’ll be fine. A human can go for more than three weeks without food.”

Y/N stopped Thunder as soon as she heard, giving Harry no choice but to stop beside her and wait for a reaction.

“We’re going to starve until we get to Theros?!” she finally asked, her face twisted, making him chuckle.

“If you want to eat, you should’ve brought some food when you broke me out of prison.”

The smirk on his face drove her up the wall. She made Thunder walk faster to catch up with him. “Well, I thought we were going to take the main road and buy food and water on the way.”

“You can’t kill a bunch of people and wander off into town, sweet Peach.” He scoffed without giving her a single glance. “You’re a criminal on the run, not a princess on an excursion.”

A princess on the run, actually, Y/N thought to herself but she didn’t have any energy left to start another argument.

“What about water then?” she persisted. “A normal person can only last a week without water. You’ve drunk all of our wine.”

“Thirst won’t be a problem. We can produce water.”

As Y/N scrunched up her face in disgust, Harry tossed his head back, laughing loudly. “You’re not in the castle anymore, my lady. You must do whatever it takes to survive.”

“Tell me you’re joking.” Her expression dulled, but he completely ignored it and stopped Lightning to get off the horse’s back.

It was only when Y/N saw him head towards the nearest tree that she shouted with horror, “no, no, no! You’re not going to do it here!”

He turned his head and shot her a grin. “No one’s here but you, me, and the horses. But feel free to look. I don’t mind.”

“You’re disgusting!” she fussed and quickly looked away. Her face turned scarlet as she heard his hearty laughter from the distance.

“Come here and help me!”

“Are you insane?!” she exclaimed, her eyes squeezed shut. “I’d rather die than let you talk me into this.”

“Okay then.”

For the next minute, all she heard was the sighing of the wind and the sound of her partner digging through the snow. Despite being disgusted by the thought of what he might do, Y/N was curious, and eventually, decided to take a look.

Harry was on his knees as he pulled a big leather sack out of his newly dug hole. Shock transformed Y/N’s face as she uttered, “is that...food?”

“And water, which is frozen already but it’ll melt.” He grinned when her eyes lit up with joy. “I buried it here when I came to Isolde in case I might need it later. This should be enough for the three of us to last for a couple more days.”

“Three?” The princess hopped off her horse and marched toward him.

“Me, Thunder and Lightning. You said you’d rather die, didn’t you?”

“I despise you,” Y/N glowered at him.

With a lopsided grin, Harry handed her a loaf of bread.

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They continued their journey after the meal and walked for the entire day without stopping. By the time the sun was going down, the two had reached the foot of the mountain where they stayed to save their energy for tomorrow.

Y/N tied Thunder to a tree and lay down on the snow to watch the sunset at the mountain top. With both hands resting on her stomach, she admired the radiant pink sky and allowed herself to be transported into a beautiful daydream. It felt good to be taken away from the depressing reality, even if only for a short-lived moment.

“I don’t remember the last time I watched sunset outside the curtain walls,” she said and closed her eyes.

Harry tied Lightning next to Thunder and also lay down beside the girl. Neither of them exchanged a single word for a whole minute.

“Why did you run away?” was the question that broke the silence.

It was then that Y/N opened her eyes and looked at Harry. She’d never seen his features so tender. This magnificent view must have also affected him the same way it had done her.

“Did the princess mistreat you?” he asked when she didn’t speak.

“No, the princess was the sweetest lady I’d ever met.” She smiled, mostly amused because he was clueless. “But the prince was a terrible person. I had to leave before he became our king.”

Doubtful still, Harry puckered up his lips. “How could the princess be a good person when her father and brother were bad people?”

“Her mother, Queen Meira was a good person. She was kind and wise and the people adored her, but...she passed away four years ago,” Y/N lowered her voice to almost a whisper and broke the gaze with him to look at the sky. “A plague killed most of the people in Isolde that year, and she was one of them.”

“Your mo—” Harry stopped himself before he could finish that word. He instantly felt bad for almost bringing up her mother who had also died four years ago. Little did he knew, Y/N had never felt comfortable enough to talk about the queen until today.

“My mother was also a victim.” She pressed her lips into a small smile, turning back to him. “But I know she’d be proud of me. She always wanted to leave the kingdom. Now I’m doing it for her.”

“I feel like she would never have let you leave with someone like me.”

“Why?” She chuckled when he gave a shrug and sat up, so she did too.

“Because I’m a bad person.” He hung his head, exhaling sharply. “I-I’ve killed people.”

Harry flinched when her hand touched his shoulder. He didn’t expect it, and neither did she. But as their eyes met again, time seemed to be frozen, and they held each other’s gaze for as long as they could hold their breath. The pink light cast upon Y/N’s face hid her blushing so well but Harry could still see it, and his mouth spread into a wide grin.

“You did it to save that girl,” she whispered. “I would’ve done the same thing.”

Those words left Harry temporarily speechless. “H-How did you know about the girl?”

“I heard a guard talk to the prince. Why did you think I came to you if you were really a cold-blooded murderer?”

“For I was the only Southerner in that dungeon and you were really desperate?” he said, making her giggle. Still, happiness didn’t last too long on his face. “But...murder is still murder. I had a reason to do it, but it didn’t make it right.”

“Well,” she breathed and let him go, pressing her knees to her chest, “if you feel bad about it, then you’re still a good person. I think the one thing that we have in common is that we’re both good people who have done bad things.”

“You haven’t done anything bad,” he chuckled.

“You don’t know me,” she replied.

Seeing the smile on his face, she assumed he thought she was joking. But Harry wasn’t there when she told her sick father that her mother would kill herself if she’d seen him like that. Y/N didn’t say it to make the king a better person. She’d said it because she knew it could have killed him. She had wanted to kill him. And using love with the intention of hurting someone was the cruellest crime of all.

Before Harry could ask, Y/N shrugged off those dark thoughts and plastered a smile on her face. “My mother used to say the most valuable things a person could possess were hope, love, and family. So as long as you still have at least one of those three, there’s still a reason for you to keep moving forward. I have hope, and when I meet my uncle again, I’ll have a family, and if I’m lucky, I’ll fall in love and get the happy ending I’ve always wanted.”

The princess wasn’t sure why she’d said all those things aloud. She had never been this open to anyone since her mother’s death, not even Jo. So she supposed those were the words she needed to hear, to remind herself of the reason why she’d risked everything to run away. But maybe there was something about sunset and those green eyes that made her walls come crumbling down.

“You’ve never been in love?” Harry asked. For the first time, he sounded genuinely curious and not sarcastic at all.

With a shrug, she said, “I will when I meet the right person at the right time. You’re lucky you’ve got all three valuable things. Hold on to them.”

“I will.” Harry nodded, biting his lip to not smile so wide. “Tell me,” he changed the subject, “is it true that the princess is the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen?”

“Yes,” Y/N said without a second thought. “The most beautiful lady in this world, actually.”

Harry scoffed and stuck out his bottom lip. “Well, my Kenny is the prettiest lady in this world for me.”

“That’s because you look at her through a lover’s eyes. Your opinion is subjective and therefore meaningless.”

Her response made him chortle. “Why are you so defensive? Are you in love with the princess?”

Y/N froze for a second as her mouth fell open, but then he cracked up and poked her cheekbone with a finger. “You’re always so serious, Peach. It’s hilarious.”

“Shut up.” She pushed his hand away and lay back down, looking at the sky which was turning dark. “Just let me enjoy this beautiful view in peace, please?”

“Okay,” he said, still gazing at her.

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It took them a week to cross that mountain. They would travel during the day and stop to rest when night fell. The way down was the most challenging part as the trail was full of debris and sharp rocks. Lightning was not as well-trained as Thunder, so when they reached the foot of the mountain, she was suffering from lacerations to one of her legs. Harry had to tear a piece of his cloak to bandage her wounds and get on Thunder to ride with Y/N. Fortunately, they didn’t have to walk for too long until they found a village in the forest.

“Who are these people, and what kingdom do they belong to?” Y/N asked when they went through a small market. The villagers were staring at them, but only because they were strangers, not because they recognised her.

“None.” Harry shrugged. “They moved out of their old kingdom to live here. They formed their own community and don’t depend on any king and queen for protection and money, but they don’t have to deal with politics and meaningless wars.”

“They seem happy.”

“That’s because they are.”

“Hands.”

Harry immediately removed his hands from her waist as she looked over her shoulder to shoot him a glare.

“Sorry. I thought I was going to fall.”

“Touch me again and you’ll definitely fall.”

“All right, grouchy Peach.” He smirked, pointing ahead. “There. That’s my friend’s house. We can stay with him until Lightning gets better.”

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“Crow!”

“Crow?” Y/N stood beside Thunder, raising an eyebrow at Harry and his friend as they shared a tight hug. It seemed like they had known each other for so long. But why did he call Harry ‘Crow’? And why was that nickname so familiar to her?

She was trying to remember when Harry’s voice pulled her out of her thoughts, “this is Stefan, my childhood friend,” he said before turning back to Stefan, “this is Rain. I call her Peach, but only I get to call her that.”

Y/N punched Harry’s shoulder, making him laugh, but Stefan had long forgotten about Harry the second he laid eyes on her. The stranger came up to Y/N as he shyly wiped his palms on his thighs, took her hand and gave it a kiss.

Though Stefan wasn’t exceptionally handsome, Y/N thought he was quite lovely. He didn’t look like the type of guy who would be sent into battles to fight against the enemies, but more like the one who would carry weapons to the battlefield. If he and Harry were in a fistfight, he wouldn’t stand a chance. He seemed soft and fragile. Apart from that, Y/N thought he was friendly and pleasant to be around.

“I used to live in Theros but I moved here when there was a war,” Stefan said, making Y/N’s eyes go around.

“A war?” she asked, looking at Harry, who didn’t seem surprised, so she assumed he already knew.

“Willem tried to invade Theros last year but failed,” Stefan told her.

Her face turned pallid in an instant. She felt so stupid to have believed her father would never invade Theros just because he loved her mother.

Sucking in a breath, she asked, “were a lot of people harmed in that war?”

“A few, but not too many. Isolde lost. They were outnumbered.”

“And King Edgar?”

“King Edgar was well. He went to war like a real man but that coward Willem didn’t even show his face.”

Y/N said nothing, only nodding her head. As much as she hated to think about her father betraying her mother like that, she felt relieved to know that her uncle was safe.

“Peach is from Isolde but her family is in Theros,” Harry spoke to change the atmosphere. “I’m taking her home. We’re partners in crime now, right, Peach?”

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and she elbowed him hard, causing him to stumble back, hugging his stomach and groaning in pain. Stefan, however, had not taken his eyes off her for even a second.

“Thank you for letting us stay,” she said, and the corners of his eyes crinkled with a genuine smile.

“My pleasure. You may stay as long as you’d like.”

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After dinner, Stefan prepared a warm bath for Y/N and even borrowed the clothes from the nice old lady next door for her to get changed. She assumed he treated her this way because she was a guest and a lady. Still, she felt quite uncomfortable to take a bath in someone else’s home.

She used to have many servants to give her warm baths and help her get dressed afterwards, but since she hadn’t been treated like a princess for days, this just felt very strange.

Now left alone, Y/N made sure the door was shut as she loosened her corset and untied the bow at the back. That was when Harry knocked on the door, causing her to flinch.

“I’ll be here if you need me, yeah?” he said from the outside.

“Why would I need you, Harry?” she shouted back, smirking when she heard his laughter.

“I’m still staying here,” he asserted.

She rolled her eyes but felt much safer knowing Harry was guarding the door. She should be concerned with how much she trusted this man, and yet she didn’t hesitate to remove her corset and the rest of her clothes to get into the tub fully naked.

Holding the rim on both sides, she slid down into the water and let it block out all the noises. She wished the tub would expand and turn into a summer lake, even a river so she could go swimming. She couldn’t swim, but she would love to get soaked like she used to on the hot summer days in the South.

All of a sudden, memories of that one afternoon flashed through her mind and she sat up straight, gasping for air. She’d seen herself drowning. She’d seen the sun blinding her eyes. She’d seen a boy and heard him call--

“Peach? Are you okay in there?!”

‘Her name is Kenny. She’s pretty like you, but much nicer.’

“Peach? Answer me!”

‘Is she your betrothed?’ ‘What is a betrothed?’ ‘Someone you’ll marry when you’re older.’

“If you don’t answer, I’m coming in!”

‘Crow? Your name is Crow?’

“Why did Stefan call you Crow?”

Her sudden question stopped Harry at the door. It fell shut as soon as it creaked open.

“What happened to you?” he asked from the outside, but she didn’t answer.

“Why did Stefan call you Crow?” she repeated the question as if he hadn’t heard her already.

He laughed a little and said, “my father was a blacksmith and I used to work in his shop when I was little so my clothes were always black and dirty. Some kids said I looked like a crow, and then all the other kids in the village started calling me that.”

Y/N was right. She knew the name Kenny was so familiar because she had heard it before, same as the nickname Crow. Harry was that boy she’d met when she was eight. The boy who had saved her life.

She sat in the tub, completely paralysed as she did not know what to say next. Should she tell him? Did he remember her still? She had always wanted to see him again to thank him for what he’d said to her that day. If it hadn’t been for him, she would never have known it was a choice to not settle for someone she didn’t love, even if it was her betrothed, and kids should be allowed to be kids, and boys weren’t all terrible.

But before the princess could come up with something to say, Harry broke the silence, “I met Kenny when I was five. She heard the other kids call me Crow, and she came up to me and told me that she liked the nickname. She thought those birds were lovely and she always fed the ones that came to her window every morning. She always chose to see the best in me when no one could. That’s what I love most about her.”

As Harry finished, Y/N swallowed all the words she was about to say. She didn’t want to tell him she was the girl he’d saved from drowning when he was ten, as it probably didn’t matter to him.

But disappointment wasn’t the only thing she felt. There was also this heavy feeling inside her chest, as if her lungs were being crushed and she had never experienced anything like this before. Y/N rested her head back on the rim of the tub, staring at the ceiling and wondering why she only felt this way when Harry told her about Kenny.

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The next morning, Y/N woke up before sunrise. She couldn’t sleep and kept having nightmares about her father finding out where she was. In the end, he killed Harry and locked her up in a tower, and she woke up with sweat soaking through her shirt only to find Harry sleeping soundly right nearby. She’d been having so many dreams about her own death that it didn’t worry her as much as the first time. But seeing Harry die because of her was something she hadn’t got used to and probably never would.

She went outside when Harry and Stefan were still asleep and found an empty field behind the house. She didn’t know how much time had passed since she got there, but Harry soon found her practising alone with her sword.

“Hello early bird!” he shouted to grab her attention. She instantly lowered her blade, beaming at him. “Why didn’t you wake me up to practise with you?”

“I normally do this alone,” she said, pointing the tip of her sword to his face so he couldn’t step closer. “I don’t want to hurt anyone, especially you.”

The way she stuck up her nose made him laugh as he gently pushed the blade away with his two fingers.

“You cannot hurt me, sweet Peach,” he said, drawing out the sword strapped to his waist. She knew what he was about to do so she stepped back, smirking and holding up her weapon.

“Didn’t you see what I did to those guards?”

Harry seemed unfazed by her playful warning. “I’m not one of those guards.”

“Then I won’t be nice.”

She charged at him with her shiny blade upheld, going for her foreswing and following it with a backswing. Harry dodged the first one and met the second with his sword, his strong force sent her a few steps back. His next swing was so swift she almost couldn’t see it. It sliced the fabric of her shirt at the chest, yet missing the flesh behind it by perhaps an inch.

Shocked, she quickly covered herself and dodged his blade at the same time she fell and hit the ground. She propped herself up on her elbows and the tip of his sword was the first thing that she saw.

“I surrender,” Y/N huffed, glaring at Harry.

A corner of his mouth lifted, he put the sword back to his side and offered her a hand. But instead of staying true to her words, she kicked him hard in the knees. He collapsed on his back and she quickly climbed on top of him, holding her blade at his neck, smiling mischievously.

“You played dirty.” He smirked, his chest was heaving up and down as his eyes glinted when they met hers.

“There’s no rule. And you just lost.”

“I saw your breasts twice so I still won.”

Y/N slapped him across the face and quickly pulled up her shirt. Her distraction gave him a chance to flip them over. She dropped her sword and he kicked it far out of her reach. He pinned her hands down next to her head, grinning from ear to ear as she shut her eyes and cursed at him.

“You get distracted so easily, Peach.”

“Eyes up here!”

“Sorry.” He chuckled and got back on his feet, pulling her up with him. “Did I hurt you? If I did, I’m sorry.”

She pulled her hand away from his and came to pick up her sword so he couldn’t see how red her face was.

“It’s okay. I slapped you. But you kind of deserved it,” she murmured when he approached. She could feel his presence right behind her. Slowly, she turned around, arms covering her chest, their eyes meeting again. And just like that moment before sunset, they couldn’t look away.

Who knew how long they would continue to stare at each other if Stefan hadn’t shown up?

“Harry!” His voice broke the two apart. They both turned and saw him waving both hands in the air. “I got a letter from Kenny!”

Still panting heavily, Harry took one last look at Y/N before running after Stefan back to the house.

She could see a glimpse of confusion in his eyes as he couldn’t explain the moment they’d shared before. Neither could she. And once both of them had left, she put on her big coat and sat down on a rock, gripping her heart to stop it from pounding.

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When Y/N returned to the house, Harry was gone, and so was Thunder. She was terrified for she thought he’d taken her horse and left her behind to reunite with his lover. Fortunately, Stefan came back right before she could make the worst assumption.

“He’ll be back. He just needs to be alone.”

“What happened?”

Stefan took a long pause before he said, “Kennedy’s getting married.”

“What?” Y/N almost choked on the word. She was hoping this was a stupid prank and they were both in this together to mess with her. But it could not be. She hadn’t seen Stefan so serious since she met him.

“Her family wanted her to marry a rich man.”

“And she said yes?” Her eyebrows furrowed as she clenched her fists.

Stefan shoved his fingers in his hair, inhaling deeply. “She assumed he was dead. She heard the news that he was captured and was about to be executed.”

“But he’s not! He’s alive! Tell him to write back to her!”

“Rain! Rain!” Stefan caught Y/N’s arms to stop her from running off to find Harry.

She looked at him while trying to catch her breath. She didn’t know why she was angry, but she truly was. Her chest might explode if she didn’t do something to help Harry.

But then Stefan let go of a sigh and said, “he can’t write back to her, the wedding is today. She’s probably someone else’s wife now.”

Y/N felt a big lump in her throat as Stefan told her to leave Harry alone for now. She knew it was Kenny’s choice to move on, but she couldn’t help but feel like it was partially her fault. That moment they had shared this morning felt so wrong now that she recalled it. But if she was honest, it was the most real thing she’d felt in so long.

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Harry came back after sunset. Stefan had gone out to deliver the vegetables he’d grown and Y/N was home alone and waiting for Harry by the fireplace. He stepped in, shut the door, and stayed there until she broke the silence with a simple, “hi.”

“Hi.” He smiled back, hung up his coat and made his way to the table where she sat. As he pulled out a chair to sit down next to her and stared at the fireplace, her eyes fixated on him.

“Stefan told you?” he asked.

“Hmm.” She nodded. This time, when she touched his shoulder, he didn’t flinch. “Are you all right? It’s...it’s okay to say no.”

“I’ve been worse,” was his answer. He assumed she didn’t know what it meant, but she didn’t ask for she was fidgeting with her fingers like she had something more important to say.

“Hey, I’ve been thinking…” Y/N bit her lip, looking attentively at the fire as if pondering whether or not she should say it. Eventually, she did, “maybe I should go alone from here.”

Harry was tongue-tied. He parted his lips before his mouth clamped shut, and it took him two more seconds to gather his thoughts. “Don’t be ridiculous, Peach. You can’t go alone.”

“I can. There’s another village nearby and I’ll ask for directions from there. You’ve seen me handle those skilled swordsmen. I can protect myself.”

He held her gaze, wanting to tell her his biggest fear wasn’t that she couldn’t take care of herself, but instead he asked, “but why? Did I do something wrong?”

“No, it’s just…” She batted her eyelashes innocently. “I don’t want to make you go back to Theros after...you know...”

“I still have to return to my family, Peach,” he said, giving her a small smile. “But even if I didn’t, I wouldn’t leave you either. I gave you my word and I’d take you home safely. All right?”

She thought for a moment before smiling back. “All right.”

Neither of them said another word for the next five minutes. Neither moved either. She held his shoulder as he held her hand on his shoulder. Both continued to stare at the fireplace.

“Hey,” her voice was so tender it made goosebumps pimple his skin. He turned back and their eyes locked. She spoke quietly, “I’ve never been in love, so...so I don’t know how you’re feeling right now. But you’ll find love again. You still have hope and a family, so you’ll be fine.”

Harry wasn’t sure that the smoke had clouded his mind or it was the scent of pine trees and wildflowers that lingered on her clothes. But dear god, he was hypnotised.

His mind was blank when he leaned in a little closer until their foreheads were touching. She didn’t even question. The next thing he knew was his lips brushing hers. He hadn’t kissed anyone in so long and this kiss was surely different. She had never kissed anyone before. She was shy, but she wasn’t afraid to be wrong. The kiss was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words could never describe.

His hand rested below her ear as his thumb caressed her cheek. As she finally found the courage to run her fingers down his spine to pull him closer, he snapped out of it and pushed her away.

“We shouldn’t,” he blurted. The horrified look on her face hit him harder than the slap she’d given him that morning.

“But you...you kissed me,” she stuttered, her trembling fingers touching her lips.

He didn’t know what to say next, so he said the only thing he could, “I’m sorry. That was wrong.”

“That was...m-my first kiss…”

“Peach…” He swallowed, reaching out his hands, but she instantly backed away, shaking her head. “I’m sorry, Peach. Just let me—Peach!”

“Woah! What’s wrong?!” Stefan asked when Y/N burst through the door and pushed right past him.

“Fuck!”

“Where is she going?!”

Harry said nothing as he chased after her. He didn’t know how but he knew exactly where she was headed. He ran to the stable, Stefan followed right behind him. But from a distance, they saw Thunder fly right through the gate with Y/N on his back and run straight into the woods, disappearing into the misty night.

“What happened?!”

Harry ignored his friend and rushed into the stable to get Lightning out of her stall.

“I’m coming with you,” Stefan said when Harry mounted his horse.

“There’s no need to—”

“I’ll bring my bow and arrows. We have to get her before the wolves.”

“Wolves?!”

“I’ll bring your sword too,” was all Stefan said before he ran back to the house.

Now pale with fright, Harry whispered to Lightning, “if something happens to Peach, please throw me off a cliff.” 

[jvpielago024-blog]

My Review of My “Review”

Sorry in advance, this is going to be a decent amount of writing, but it's only because I feel like my evaluation was completely subjective by the reader. Almost every case they bring up seems to be backwards, at least to me. Not here to argue that it's perfect, of course not. But I'll dissect it and show examples of how I feel it was vastly overlooked. Overall it feels as if it was read very much at the surface level and only literal, when I intentionally wrote it was mostly allegorical and meant to have depth with most sentences. Even so that most lines change on a second reading, when you know she's fucking with him. I get there can be too much dialogue, but to pretty much say most the dialogue isn't good/needed is tough to say when it's a dialogue driven film based on MANIPULATION and COMMUNICATION. Feels very much like a "judging a fish by it's ability to climb a tree". Obviously a poor claim to make, but you slap the name Sorkin on something, people will want to devour and honor every word to an extent. Just feels like I paid for a "professional" evaluation and they immediately viewed my script as "Amateur". I feel if I'm giving you money, it should be viewed as if a professional sent it in, and professionals try to add depth and layer to their work, so to have it pretty much dismissed is very frustrating. I am more than fine with someone "not getting it" or the ideas aren't conveyed as well as I think, all for criticism.  But it seems much more like this evaluator had a personal agenda to address the things they personally did not like, which then overshadows everything else. Hopefully you can see that when you view their evaluation.

"The screenplay opens with an extremely long conversation featuring Jeff's immediate family, but aside from his mom popping up a couple times, they aren't featured heavily in the screenplay."

That's called a choice. If you're parents aren't around a lot when you grow up or they are passive, it is 100% going to affect who you are. Which is what it was supposed to be doing.

"Can come across as sexist and odd. Jeff takes to hitting Eve too easily, even getting some weird rush from it that she knew he'd get somehow. It's mentioned this is due to her spiking his wine with Ecstasy, but Ecstasy is known to have the opposite effect of inciting violence."

So then this person has never actually done drugs. Ecstasy doesn't just equal happy fun time. It's a feeling and if you didn't know you were being GIVEN that feeling, you would correlate it to the things happening around you, say THE WOMAN SEDUCING YOU. And he doesn't take to hitting easily, he's actually appalled and it happens from impulse and accident.  But then he likes it. So completely different. It's called empowerment.  If you've never felt that power, but then you are encouraged to and it feels good because you're also drugged AND with a dream woman? You're so right, any person would be able to just say no to all that great feeling, walk away easy. That's the whole point, it's a character study. It just feels insane I have to literally argue every point my script. And she knew because SHE'S SMART. Literally watch any slight thing about Manson and how he worked. Manipulation is easy as shit. It's about making a monster and then saying "But what did I do, YOU acted on it". She knows offering this opportunity to hit someone is a chance, either they take it and love it or they don't and SHE MOVES ON. It's a movie, Jesus, not trying to treat the audience like idiots. That's the point, this  boy who's extreme sheltered/lost/whatever adjective you want to use  happens to run into this. His character being given this "awakening" in his eyes, something he feels everyone should get, like in the movies he even says. That's the anglerfish part. It's a forced awakening and he doesn't realize because he's just never felt good in his life. That's why there's so much character background, you have to see how cyclical and absurdly mundane he feels the world is until he gets his own little fantasy. Case in point:

"her first couple of meetings with Jeff come across as implausible and almost read like the writer is exercising a fantasy in overpowering and abusing women, which is off putting to say the least. "

So here is where it really makes me upset. It is fantasy. But at no point has the CHARACTER Jeff expressed any of this has what he dreams about for desire, if only he could just grab that woman neck.  He's actually kind of afraid of basic intimacy, theres a whole scene showing it. It's a case of it all happens so fast and what's dumped in his lap he runs with. Of course he ends up loving it personally, but it comes from her being calculated. She is pulling the strings from the get go. SHE IS MAKING IT SEEM LIKE THIS FILM FANTASY. That's literally the point. To him it really is. And that's a big theme of the whole thing. That the world lies. Everything is too good to be true. Your fantasy, all the chance and destiny all that- nope bullshit. There are manipulative ass people on this planet and other people are their play toys. The actions of few dictates the lives of many. To someone who's never felt loved, HE WANTS THIS. He's naive and stupid in thinking the world owes him something and this is finally it.

I think it's massively unfair that the evaluator seemed to take the fact my actual name is the same name I used for the character, so therefore I must be using this to get this vicarious movie made for myself to satisfy my sickness.  It was mostly a nod to my one of my favorite films Blue Velvet, also about AGGRESSIVE SEXUAL AWAKENING. It has nothing to do with overpowering and abusing women. It has to due with power in manipulation. She's the aggressor the whole time. She has the real power, she is literally MENTALLY overpowering and abusing him. It feels insane I have to point out this straight up opposite. SHE'S A LITERAL ANGLERFISH. HIS FANTASY IS HER LIGHT and she fully knows that. And then you get to see the real monster, it's an allegory for becoming an adult. Realizing how scary it all is when you thought it'd be so grand.  How everyone lies to make your growing up seem in line with "what it should be". This is about stepping off that conveyor belt society builds for us. How can every person grow up to be a good person? Most people believe they will but everyday a new monster pops up.  I could go on with the questions raised about character and humanity, yet this person seems to think its about my woman beating and sex fantasies. A true read would show actually the exact opposite. She's not a victim. And the beginning has to be a fantasy in order to achieve the twist:

"It has a unique tone that shifts through an almost teenage sex romp into some seriously dark places, which is hard to pull off."

Seems remarkably contradicting, literally just nailing me for the whole fantasy teenage sex romp thing. The bigger the shift you want to pull off, the more you're going to have to front load it. So yeah, A Graduate-esque fantasy and self discovery seems like a pretty valid, genuine lead in from Jeff's perspective, "his view" of how this movie is going. And then LIKE MANY GREAT CRIME THRILLERS BEFORE, he's in far too deep before he can realize and it all happens so quick. HER MOVIE SWALLOWS HIS MOVIE. She know's exactly what she did. Blind him with enough love to transform him and distract him from thinking so before he knows it, he's  already"changed", her little monster. Just not what he was expecting because he's never given the option to run this path before in life.  Seems unfair for them to pretty much say we liked the end a lot but the beginning sucks, but the whole point of the beginning is to load it up for the end...  And the beginning and end are supposed to feel like two separate movies in a sense. Respect that the first part was trying to do its own thing, the point was it didn't matter, fuck your discovery boy, we're on my train now.

"The entire screenplay is too wordy, from the descriptions, to scenes that aren't needed, to scenes going on for too long, to the dialogue itself"

An entirely valid point and criticism, but to be so blunt in pretty much saying look how much shouldn't be here or should be different you idiot, and then following it up with zero suggestions... pretty bold. Especially when, as I've stated, all the dialogue is meant to be important, lend to the bigger picture. It's not some action flick, it's about people. So it is easy to widdle and shape dialogue, but just making a claim like that shows not even an attempt to look at the actual depth of the dialogue. Pretty much a different movie on a second read.

"It's a simple story that takes forever to get going."

Okay, it's literally not. It's a character study. I even put that. That's the reason why most the other characters are ancillary, they serve a purpose to Jeff's journey. If it was a simple story, I would't have spent all the time making two complex characters, because well you know, it's a character study as i've had to repeat. It's barely about the "story", its about human nature and who you become in this life and the lies of the world. Again all very allegorical.

"Uses '/' frequently in the dialogue for some reason."

I'll be honest I've mostly read and written theater and the '/' is pretty common for cutting off the sentence of the person to start yours. I guess maybe just more a theater thing, but to encounter it like it's an alien seems odd. Could've been nicer in suggesting that change. And the reason there are a lot is because if people are always talking over each other, never letting anyone finish, then lines get blurred, communication suffers- oh my god another theme. She can overpower him easily, already knowing what she wants to say. He views it as communication, where as we eventually see for her it's all manipulation.

"It's also too long, displays unsettling violence towards woman, and is unrealistic"

Length is a valid thing to comment on, sure. Unsettling violence. He hits her a few times, her pretty much FORCING him too. She makes him choke him. Not to be a dick or cocky, but if you're a handsome guy, some girls are actually very into the dominance like that, "rape-fantasy" esque by someone they trust and find attractive. That's not the push my agenda. That is reality. I've experienced it and it is well documented. So to say this really stretches the bounds of violence against women and reality seems pretty harsh. Especially when its some women who ask for it. And when once again, the whole point isn't the violence or sex. It's the power and manipulation. I even made it clear we pretty much never see them have sex, all implied, because ITS A TOOL. NOT MY FANTASY TO JUST PUT ON PAPER. The line of love, power, manipulation, a tool- literally just more themes. And unrealistic... just seems like an added little slap to put in there. Oh are all your movies either 100% realistic to the bone or just zany no rules fantasy? Has to be one? Oh ok...

"However, with a LOT of tightening up and some better focus on what actually matters in this story, it could have some chance at commercial appeal."

On what actually matters in this story?? You mean the part where it's supposed to make you think? And how it's about dark human nature and the myriad of themes I've recounted throughout this and literally not about beating woman? The label you put on it? Truly feels any depth or attempt to look at "what actually matters" was swiped aside to stick it to me and my misogynistic ways. So then what actually matters? Again, how can you make such a bold claim and follow up with not an ounce of suggestion or what you could mean, especially with this feeling of "oh I know but I won't tell you". It really feels like I got a case of the wrong person reading my script. This very much feels like the polar bottom that could've been hit with this script, and because it's my first review, no one is going to see a 4. That's fact, how the website works. I would like another evaluation without cost, I feel extremely duped. I've read countless reviews that are professional as can be, but I've never seen one seem so personal until I read mine. Look at the log line I give versus the one your evaluator gave:

Me- "A young man who's never felt anything but "lost", finds himself in an unorthodox isolation. As he faces the pressures of growing up in a modern world, one woman takes it upon herself to make sure he feels everything..."

You guys- "A depressed late teen boy starts a romance with a rich older woman who encourages him to do violent and criminal acts."

Ok so mine, implies vagueness so that you can have this seemingly fantasy awakening movie, not be fully aware of where this could develop or end up, and that makes the dark turns from nowhere really work. Your person's logline pretty much ruins most of work I did in my script. If that longline was shown off for others to read, that's a solid chunk of my hard work down the shitter. And it just shows how literal and surface level they took it in as. That's why I would like another evaluation, as it seems I got unlucky and got the wrong eyes. If a second evaluation just reinforces the first one, then I'll gladly lie down taking it. Just unfair I put so much work in the cerebral and emotional feelings of confused youth and the way words seem to work these days, but then all we're shown about being young in the "media"  is you should party and be consumers because, Hey you're young right? YOU SHOULD BE! You like cool shit and external validation, we got all sorts of stuff for you, vapid and airless but it's shiny so you'll buy it.

This is how some young people feel, you grew up into a world of lies, Life is one giant too good to be true, just live love. Maybe love isn't special, it's a cycle based on people's wants and people wanting to feel empowered. A woman could say she loves you one day and the next be gone in a cloud of dust. It's a messed up world and I was trying to show that through a unique Lense. Also a bit insulting saying how much wouldn't work or appeal but all I did was pull from the classics and greats. Badlands, Blue Velvet, Fargo Season 1, The Graduate, Spirited Away, Blood Simple, I mean I could go on.

Just overall feels like a massively disrespectful evaluation that tried to tell me what I wrote, when the reality is the reader didn't seem to take any time to think or approach with a thought that maybe there's more depth than meets the eye. Insulting when I write in the inspirations, I specifically say allegory and anglerfish and basically how its a movie about feelings and themes around a complex young man coming up into the world in an unorthodox way, not just some "simple story". This is a massive age and highly misrepresented. People are hit with bipolar and other things at this age. This shift and this time is crucial, especially in this world that's giving less of a shit day by day. Everything was a choice to lend to these feelings. While I agree I can cut dialogue, I have a hard time seeing what scenes need to be cut. I had everything for a reason, each incident inciting the next so its all tight and connected. Please let me know the steps I can take, I apologize for the rambling. Just very frustrating and hopefully you can see that when you go over my complaint. I'm not going to be told I have bad character and want to harm women when the reality is I was trying to be smart. And she's the smartest, most control person in the whole thing. I think women are infinitely smarter than men and she knew she was smarter than him. She saw exactly who he was when she first played eyes, that's why she went for him. Seriously read or watch some Manson stuff, it's true fascinating. So the claims are a bit hard to take, really seems like the opposite was taken for most things. A second eye would be appreciative and frankly necessary. It seems ridiculous these views would seem universal, as many other evaluations and reads have proved quite the opposite and fruitful with discussion, so I really feel I got a bad apple.

Please let me know if you'll be giving me one, I would like to put a revised PDF in for the new evaluation if all these "/"'s are really gonna be a sticking point. I really don't see how this situation can't be the reader was mostly offended by a woman being hit and then letting that be the only thing that matters

Hopefully you read this all and understand, not just some bot response.

Thank you for your time reading, apologies on length. But a lot needed to be said.

email back jvpielago@gmail.com