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My Review of My “Review”

Sorry in advance, this is going to be a decent amount of writing, but it's only because I feel like my evaluation was completely subjective by the reader. Almost every case they bring up seems to be backwards, at least to me. Not here to argue that it's perfect, of course not. But I'll dissect it and show examples of how I feel it was vastly overlooked. Overall it feels as if it was read very much at the surface level and only literal, when I intentionally wrote it was mostly allegorical and meant to have depth with most sentences. Even so that most lines change on a second reading, when you know she's fucking with him. I get there can be too much dialogue, but to pretty much say most the dialogue isn't good/needed is tough to say when it's a dialogue driven film based on MANIPULATION and COMMUNICATION. Feels very much like a "judging a fish by it's ability to climb a tree". Obviously a poor claim to make, but you slap the name Sorkin on something, people will want to devour and honor every word to an extent. Just feels like I paid for a "professional" evaluation and they immediately viewed my script as "Amateur". I feel if I'm giving you money, it should be viewed as if a professional sent it in, and professionals try to add depth and layer to their work, so to have it pretty much dismissed is very frustrating. I am more than fine with someone "not getting it" or the ideas aren't conveyed as well as I think, all for criticism.  But it seems much more like this evaluator had a personal agenda to address the things they personally did not like, which then overshadows everything else. Hopefully you can see that when you view their evaluation.

"The screenplay opens with an extremely long conversation featuring Jeff's immediate family, but aside from his mom popping up a couple times, they aren't featured heavily in the screenplay."

That's called a choice. If you're parents aren't around a lot when you grow up or they are passive, it is 100% going to affect who you are. Which is what it was supposed to be doing.

"Can come across as sexist and odd. Jeff takes to hitting Eve too easily, even getting some weird rush from it that she knew he'd get somehow. It's mentioned this is due to her spiking his wine with Ecstasy, but Ecstasy is known to have the opposite effect of inciting violence."

So then this person has never actually done drugs. Ecstasy doesn't just equal happy fun time. It's a feeling and if you didn't know you were being GIVEN that feeling, you would correlate it to the things happening around you, say THE WOMAN SEDUCING YOU. And he doesn't take to hitting easily, he's actually appalled and it happens from impulse and accident.  But then he likes it. So completely different. It's called empowerment.  If you've never felt that power, but then you are encouraged to and it feels good because you're also drugged AND with a dream woman? You're so right, any person would be able to just say no to all that great feeling, walk away easy. That's the whole point, it's a character study. It just feels insane I have to literally argue every point my script. And she knew because SHE'S SMART. Literally watch any slight thing about Manson and how he worked. Manipulation is easy as shit. It's about making a monster and then saying "But what did I do, YOU acted on it". She knows offering this opportunity to hit someone is a chance, either they take it and love it or they don't and SHE MOVES ON. It's a movie, Jesus, not trying to treat the audience like idiots. That's the point, this  boy who's extreme sheltered/lost/whatever adjective you want to use  happens to run into this. His character being given this "awakening" in his eyes, something he feels everyone should get, like in the movies he even says. That's the anglerfish part. It's a forced awakening and he doesn't realize because he's just never felt good in his life. That's why there's so much character background, you have to see how cyclical and absurdly mundane he feels the world is until he gets his own little fantasy. Case in point:

"her first couple of meetings with Jeff come across as implausible and almost read like the writer is exercising a fantasy in overpowering and abusing women, which is off putting to say the least. "

So here is where it really makes me upset. It is fantasy. But at no point has the CHARACTER Jeff expressed any of this has what he dreams about for desire, if only he could just grab that woman neck.  He's actually kind of afraid of basic intimacy, theres a whole scene showing it. It's a case of it all happens so fast and what's dumped in his lap he runs with. Of course he ends up loving it personally, but it comes from her being calculated. She is pulling the strings from the get go. SHE IS MAKING IT SEEM LIKE THIS FILM FANTASY. That's literally the point. To him it really is. And that's a big theme of the whole thing. That the world lies. Everything is too good to be true. Your fantasy, all the chance and destiny all that- nope bullshit. There are manipulative ass people on this planet and other people are their play toys. The actions of few dictates the lives of many. To someone who's never felt loved, HE WANTS THIS. He's naive and stupid in thinking the world owes him something and this is finally it.

I think it's massively unfair that the evaluator seemed to take the fact my actual name is the same name I used for the character, so therefore I must be using this to get this vicarious movie made for myself to satisfy my sickness.  It was mostly a nod to my one of my favorite films Blue Velvet, also about AGGRESSIVE SEXUAL AWAKENING. It has nothing to do with overpowering and abusing women. It has to due with power in manipulation. She's the aggressor the whole time. She has the real power, she is literally MENTALLY overpowering and abusing him. It feels insane I have to point out this straight up opposite. SHE'S A LITERAL ANGLERFISH. HIS FANTASY IS HER LIGHT and she fully knows that. And then you get to see the real monster, it's an allegory for becoming an adult. Realizing how scary it all is when you thought it'd be so grand.  How everyone lies to make your growing up seem in line with "what it should be". This is about stepping off that conveyor belt society builds for us. How can every person grow up to be a good person? Most people believe they will but everyday a new monster pops up.  I could go on with the questions raised about character and humanity, yet this person seems to think its about my woman beating and sex fantasies. A true read would show actually the exact opposite. She's not a victim. And the beginning has to be a fantasy in order to achieve the twist:

"It has a unique tone that shifts through an almost teenage sex romp into some seriously dark places, which is hard to pull off."

Seems remarkably contradicting, literally just nailing me for the whole fantasy teenage sex romp thing. The bigger the shift you want to pull off, the more you're going to have to front load it. So yeah, A Graduate-esque fantasy and self discovery seems like a pretty valid, genuine lead in from Jeff's perspective, "his view" of how this movie is going. And then LIKE MANY GREAT CRIME THRILLERS BEFORE, he's in far too deep before he can realize and it all happens so quick. HER MOVIE SWALLOWS HIS MOVIE. She know's exactly what she did. Blind him with enough love to transform him and distract him from thinking so before he knows it, he's  already"changed", her little monster. Just not what he was expecting because he's never given the option to run this path before in life.  Seems unfair for them to pretty much say we liked the end a lot but the beginning sucks, but the whole point of the beginning is to load it up for the end...  And the beginning and end are supposed to feel like two separate movies in a sense. Respect that the first part was trying to do its own thing, the point was it didn't matter, fuck your discovery boy, we're on my train now.

"The entire screenplay is too wordy, from the descriptions, to scenes that aren't needed, to scenes going on for too long, to the dialogue itself"

An entirely valid point and criticism, but to be so blunt in pretty much saying look how much shouldn't be here or should be different you idiot, and then following it up with zero suggestions... pretty bold. Especially when, as I've stated, all the dialogue is meant to be important, lend to the bigger picture. It's not some action flick, it's about people. So it is easy to widdle and shape dialogue, but just making a claim like that shows not even an attempt to look at the actual depth of the dialogue. Pretty much a different movie on a second read.

"It's a simple story that takes forever to get going."

Okay, it's literally not. It's a character study. I even put that. That's the reason why most the other characters are ancillary, they serve a purpose to Jeff's journey. If it was a simple story, I would't have spent all the time making two complex characters, because well you know, it's a character study as i've had to repeat. It's barely about the "story", its about human nature and who you become in this life and the lies of the world. Again all very allegorical.

"Uses '/' frequently in the dialogue for some reason."

I'll be honest I've mostly read and written theater and the '/' is pretty common for cutting off the sentence of the person to start yours. I guess maybe just more a theater thing, but to encounter it like it's an alien seems odd. Could've been nicer in suggesting that change. And the reason there are a lot is because if people are always talking over each other, never letting anyone finish, then lines get blurred, communication suffers- oh my god another theme. She can overpower him easily, already knowing what she wants to say. He views it as communication, where as we eventually see for her it's all manipulation.

"It's also too long, displays unsettling violence towards woman, and is unrealistic"

Length is a valid thing to comment on, sure. Unsettling violence. He hits her a few times, her pretty much FORCING him too. She makes him choke him. Not to be a dick or cocky, but if you're a handsome guy, some girls are actually very into the dominance like that, "rape-fantasy" esque by someone they trust and find attractive. That's not the push my agenda. That is reality. I've experienced it and it is well documented. So to say this really stretches the bounds of violence against women and reality seems pretty harsh. Especially when its some women who ask for it. And when once again, the whole point isn't the violence or sex. It's the power and manipulation. I even made it clear we pretty much never see them have sex, all implied, because ITS A TOOL. NOT MY FANTASY TO JUST PUT ON PAPER. The line of love, power, manipulation, a tool- literally just more themes. And unrealistic... just seems like an added little slap to put in there. Oh are all your movies either 100% realistic to the bone or just zany no rules fantasy? Has to be one? Oh ok...

"However, with a LOT of tightening up and some better focus on what actually matters in this story, it could have some chance at commercial appeal."

On what actually matters in this story?? You mean the part where it's supposed to make you think? And how it's about dark human nature and the myriad of themes I've recounted throughout this and literally not about beating woman? The label you put on it? Truly feels any depth or attempt to look at "what actually matters" was swiped aside to stick it to me and my misogynistic ways. So then what actually matters? Again, how can you make such a bold claim and follow up with not an ounce of suggestion or what you could mean, especially with this feeling of "oh I know but I won't tell you". It really feels like I got a case of the wrong person reading my script. This very much feels like the polar bottom that could've been hit with this script, and because it's my first review, no one is going to see a 4. That's fact, how the website works. I would like another evaluation without cost, I feel extremely duped. I've read countless reviews that are professional as can be, but I've never seen one seem so personal until I read mine. Look at the log line I give versus the one your evaluator gave:

Me- "A young man who's never felt anything but "lost", finds himself in an unorthodox isolation. As he faces the pressures of growing up in a modern world, one woman takes it upon herself to make sure he feels everything..."

You guys- "A depressed late teen boy starts a romance with a rich older woman who encourages him to do violent and criminal acts."

Ok so mine, implies vagueness so that you can have this seemingly fantasy awakening movie, not be fully aware of where this could develop or end up, and that makes the dark turns from nowhere really work. Your person's logline pretty much ruins most of work I did in my script. If that longline was shown off for others to read, that's a solid chunk of my hard work down the shitter. And it just shows how literal and surface level they took it in as. That's why I would like another evaluation, as it seems I got unlucky and got the wrong eyes. If a second evaluation just reinforces the first one, then I'll gladly lie down taking it. Just unfair I put so much work in the cerebral and emotional feelings of confused youth and the way words seem to work these days, but then all we're shown about being young in the "media"  is you should party and be consumers because, Hey you're young right? YOU SHOULD BE! You like cool shit and external validation, we got all sorts of stuff for you, vapid and airless but it's shiny so you'll buy it.

This is how some young people feel, you grew up into a world of lies, Life is one giant too good to be true, just live love. Maybe love isn't special, it's a cycle based on people's wants and people wanting to feel empowered. A woman could say she loves you one day and the next be gone in a cloud of dust. It's a messed up world and I was trying to show that through a unique Lense. Also a bit insulting saying how much wouldn't work or appeal but all I did was pull from the classics and greats. Badlands, Blue Velvet, Fargo Season 1, The Graduate, Spirited Away, Blood Simple, I mean I could go on.

Just overall feels like a massively disrespectful evaluation that tried to tell me what I wrote, when the reality is the reader didn't seem to take any time to think or approach with a thought that maybe there's more depth than meets the eye. Insulting when I write in the inspirations, I specifically say allegory and anglerfish and basically how its a movie about feelings and themes around a complex young man coming up into the world in an unorthodox way, not just some "simple story". This is a massive age and highly misrepresented. People are hit with bipolar and other things at this age. This shift and this time is crucial, especially in this world that's giving less of a shit day by day. Everything was a choice to lend to these feelings. While I agree I can cut dialogue, I have a hard time seeing what scenes need to be cut. I had everything for a reason, each incident inciting the next so its all tight and connected. Please let me know the steps I can take, I apologize for the rambling. Just very frustrating and hopefully you can see that when you go over my complaint. I'm not going to be told I have bad character and want to harm women when the reality is I was trying to be smart. And she's the smartest, most control person in the whole thing. I think women are infinitely smarter than men and she knew she was smarter than him. She saw exactly who he was when she first played eyes, that's why she went for him. Seriously read or watch some Manson stuff, it's true fascinating. So the claims are a bit hard to take, really seems like the opposite was taken for most things. A second eye would be appreciative and frankly necessary. It seems ridiculous these views would seem universal, as many other evaluations and reads have proved quite the opposite and fruitful with discussion, so I really feel I got a bad apple.

Please let me know if you'll be giving me one, I would like to put a revised PDF in for the new evaluation if all these "/"'s are really gonna be a sticking point. I really don't see how this situation can't be the reader was mostly offended by a woman being hit and then letting that be the only thing that matters

Hopefully you read this all and understand, not just some bot response.

Thank you for your time reading, apologies on length. But a lot needed to be said.

email back jvpielago@gmail.com