#and vinny is sexy af

[ilovemesomevincentprice]

Vincent Price and Peter Lorre

The Comedy of Terrors (1963) dir. Jacques Tourneur

[foxyfrehley]

They’re so cute!!! 

[reidsahacker]

Pillow ;)

vinnie hacker x female reader

warnings: sir kink, breeding kink, slight cum play, lil bit of degrading, and some praise.

words: 1.8k

im so sorry this took so long to get out and its not even that good lmao

my personal life has been shitty and ive had writers block, its just been ass all around lol. i love yall though and thank you for sticking with me and being cool af. my requests are open so please send them in! im trying to get back in the swing of things and writing.

you and vinnie are at the hype house's warehouse working on his rx7. he has been trying to get his car up and running again for months. most of the time you are helping him, handing him tools he needs, looking things up for him, or pressing the gas when he needs you to. today though, it's all stuff that you can't really help with, so you are sitting next to him in a chair watching tiktok while he works.

it's slightly boring but he does look incredibly sexy working on the car and he doesn't have a shirt on. everyone now and then you glance up at him and can't help but feel feel a dull throbbing in your core. sometimes he catches you looking and winks, even though you two have been together for over a year he still makes you nervous.

as you scroll through tiktok you come across a video that peaks your interest. it's about putting a pillow under the girl during sex. the comments are all about how the sex was even better than before. you and vinnies sex life is amazing and very healthy, but it would be fun to try something new though.

"hey baby?" you ask as vinnie slides out from underneath the car.

"what is it sweet girl?" he asks as he stands up from where he was sitting.

"come watch this video." you motion for him to come over to you.

vinnie walks over while wiping his hands on a towel, still very much shirtless and slightly sweaty. he grabs the phone from your hand and presses play. as he watches the video you can't help but stare at him from this angle. the way sweat drips down the side of his face, just like it does when he fucks you good.

"you wanna try this baby?" he questions with a smirk on his face as he crouches down in front of you.

you nod your head, hoping that he won't make you speak up because you don't know if you can. your mind in a completely other world right now.

"let me clean this all up and then we will head home pretty girl, why don't you go start the car." he says while handing you the keys to the car, giving you a quick kiss and sending you off with head nod.

as you walk to the car you can't help but think about what he wants to do or has planned. as soon as you get to the car you start it and move to the passenger seat. vinnie comes to the car a few minutes later, he gets and starts to drive to the house. his hand goes to your thigh, he feels you clench your legs together and chuckles.

"whats got you so worked up, bunny?" he questions and glances over at you.

"nothing, i'm not worked up." you lie right through your teeth, for some reason you don't want him to know how easily he gets to you.

"yeah? so if i put my hand up your pretty little skirt your won't be soaked? you've been clenching your thighs together since we got to the warehouse. so i will ask you again, what's got you so worked up, bunny?" he says while his hand slowly moves up your thigh, you can't help but watch his hand.

you close your eyes and whisper out a small "you, sir."

"good girl, now spread your legs. gotta make sure you are ready for when we get home." he says as he teases your folds through your panties. he teases you the whole way home. by the time you pull up to the house you are a whimpering mess, who wants nothing more than to cum.

before you can get out of the car he turns you to him with a finger on your chin "go upstairs to our room, take your panties off and wait. i will be up in a minute." he gives you a kiss and sends you on your way.

as soon as you reach you and vinnie's room, you take your panties off and sit on the bed. all you can think about is what he might possibly have planned. in less than five minutes hes in the room locking the door.

"grab 2 pillows baby" he says as he approaches you.

you grab a couple of his pillows and don't think anything about it until he says something.

"of course you grab mine, you insatiable bunny." he chuckles out while grabbing your chin and crouching down. he runs a hand up your skirt, feeling that you don't have any panties on. he looks up at you with a smirk, standing up as he grabs your hand bringing you with him. vinnie lays the pillows on the bed and turns you around, so your back is to his chest.

"get on your knees on the bed, bend over the pillows." he whispers in your ear.

as you get on the bed he helps guide you to lay comfortably on the pillow. your hips are rested on the bottom edge of the pillow and its putting a delicious pressure on your tummy. you feel vinnie lift up the skirt you are still wearing, the cold air hits your core making you hiss and clench on nothing.

he runs his fingers through your slit, stopping at your clit slowly rubbing it in circles. you try and hold your moans back but fail when you feel him slip his cock in. you both let out groans of pleasure, nothing will match the feeling and burn when his cock slides in. no matter how many times you two have sex, you still have to adjust to his size.

"feel good baby?" he asks while waiting for you to tell him he can move.

"mhmm, feel you in my tummy vin. i'm ready, move please." you whimper out.

the pressure coming from his cock being bottomed out in you and the pressure from the pillow has you ready to cum now. you can't help but bite your lip to suppress your moans when vinnie pulls almost all the way out and slams back in.

"god you are so tight baby." he moans while thrusting into you at a slow pace. his thrusts are slow and he keeps hitting the spot inside of you that drives you crazy. both of his hands are on your hips gripping for life. he is trying not to lose it at the feeling of your walls wrapped around his cock.

“mm not gonna last long sir, feels too good.” you moan out while arching your back to feel him even deeper. he picks up the pace and starts to slam into you harder. vinnie reaches his hand around and presses on your tummy.

"you feel that baby?" he whispers in your ear, causing you to let out the most pathetic whimper. "want me to put a baby in you?" he groans out.

“yes sir p-please, breed me like the whore i am.” you whimper out as you clench around his cock. “vin- im gonna c-cum, can i cum? please sir?” you beg.

“you know i love it when you beg bunny, do it some more.” he groans out, taking his hand off your tummy and moving it to your clit.

“please sir, rub my clit. i’ve been good.” you cry out while clenching around him again, causing him to groan and lose his rhythm for a moment. “wanna make a- a mess on your co-cock sir please, let me cum vinnie!” you beg out, as your eyes start to sting.

“good ahead bunny, cum all over my cock make a mess. you earned it baby.” vinnie says as he starts rubbing your clit in tight fast circles. he knows you aren’t going to last long and neither is he.

“fuck thank you sir, thank you.” you scream out as you feel your high getting closer and closer. tears start to stream out of your eyes as your high hits. it’s euphoric, you’ve never came this hard.

vinnie works you through your high while still chasing his own, he could have came when you did but he wanted you to feel him cum. he wants you to feel what you do to him. he wants you to know that only you can make him cum like this.

“fuck bunny look at you, so pretty when you make a mess on my cock.” he groans out, he’s not going to last much longer. “you ready for my cum bunny.” his thrusts are getting sloppy and you know he’s close.

“fuck give it to me vin, cum in me sir.” you moan out. even though you are overstimulated you want him to finish in you. you want to feel him fill you up. “cum in me baby, do it sir.” you clench around him in a state of overstimulation but it’s what sends him over the edge, shooting his warm seed in you.

“fuck y/n, you are going to be the death of me.” he says after he pulls out of you, watching his cum spill out of your swollen core.

he scoops some of the cum up on his fingers and pushes it back in you. you hiss out due to how sensitive you are. you can’t help but look back to him and moan at the filthy sound his fingers make while shoving his cum make in you.

he pulls his fingers out and brings them up to your lips, tapping them. you open your mouth and suck his fingers moaning at the taste of the two of you together.

“god i love you” he says while pulling his fingers out of your mouth. vinnie grabs the pillows out from under you and throws them at the head of the bed. you roll over onto your back as he does and grabs a warm towel.

vinnie gets you and himself all cleaned up and grabs one of his shirts for you to wear. he has you sit up on the bed and lift your arms up so he can slid the shirt on over your head. once you are dressed he throws on a pair of sweats.

you two climb under the covers and lay down. vin pulls you into him so your head is resting on his chest. your hand instantly goes to tracing the spider tattoo on his sternum.

“i love you too by the way.” you say smiling up at him.

“i know you do baby and i love you.” he says while running his fingers through your hair.

you feel your eyes start to get heavy and before you know it you’re drifting off into a peaceful sleep.

[thealogie]

do you have any favourite lawyer movies?

Oh boy do I. These are in no particular order.

-my cousin vinny: this is widely considered by lawyers as THE lawyer movie of all time. If physical DVDs/VHS were still a thing I think they would make lawyers swear into the bar on one of these. I honestly hadn’t seen it years. Admitting to this in a room full of lawyers was honestly received worse than admitting to murder. I did rewatch it this year and it is funny, smart, sexy, sleazy, ballsy af and deserving of its status as the best

-the rainmaker: a young Matt Damon takes on big insurance companies while also playing “I will protect you” boyfriend to Claire Danes. Based on a book by john Grisham but Francis Ford Coppola directs it?? Danny Devito is there as a fun kind of scammy paralegal. Matt Damon has just passed the bar but he has some epic wins over big law/big insurance. All around heady combo.

-Erin Brockovich: Another one of those: classic for a reason.

-the conspirator: is this actually a good movie or does it just star robin wright as a woman who stands accused of being involved in the conspiracy to murder Lincoln and james mcavoy is her lawyer? Yes.

-the informant: good fun whistleblower action against big tobacco

-legally blonde: taught a whole generation about mens rea. again: classic for a reason. happy people don’t kill their husbands, they just don’t

-Phil Spector: ok this is like...perhaps one of my favorites in terms of actual depictions of law and lawyering on film (whereas some of the others on the list are better movies but aren’t really concerned with the law). Al Pacino is Phil Spector on trial for murder, Helen Mirren is the top shelf attorney who starts representing him somewhat reluctantly but gets really into it....David Mamet writes and directs. Critics everywhere booed this movie but that just goes to show they hate a movie about real lawyering which is fair

-Kramer v Kramer: again doesn’t need explanation. It’s a classic that holds up. It’s good and good for you.

-Amistad: truly incredible story of captured enslaved Africans who mutineed against the Spanish crew enslaving them and freed themselves only to land in the US and involved in a court case where they had to argue against being Spanish property. Does the movie focus a bit too much on the white people representing them in court? You bet. But it’s still pretty well done and worth a watch

[demelzahcarne]

Vinnie, If you don't stay true to your words about giving them or some of them a slow death experiencing it all, I will be so fucking mad with you. Don't dare to have a fucking change of heart on that one, zumba bitch and earless kpop idol deserve it.

Did I just cry when all my plaza people were telling Vinnie to fight with him and told him they his family, you bet I did. I am so emo right now....more emo than over his own mama's death, Ah found family my favourite trope.

Look at all my sexy people in black...I Love all these mofo's, every single one of them. I am so hot right now, damn they fine.

If chayenzo gets a happy end they will most definitely be a game changer for kdrama couples, bonnie and clyde can pack their things and leave the keys to the castle to them.

Uhm were han seo and vinnie vibing hard on that ice or were they just vibing. They definitely be vibing. But damn this show for always making me feel like Han Seo not making it out alive by end of Ep20...I love him but worried af, watch him use his brain in the end, save vinnie and probably sacrifice himself in the process, my most lovable idiot, his eyes hurt from reading... precious babe.

NoNoNo, refuse to believe Han Seo played dirty, do think it's the opposite.... just don't want him to be bad.....episode18 better explain asap what han seo's new found braincells came up with by ratting him out to interpol while pointing guns at each other.

I knew it, knew it, this idiot puppy won't betray me. Vinnie has some fancy ass looking USB Sticks

Lol, already expecting bad CGI for that balloon flight, hopefully he won't crash land in north korea...seriously how far can a balloon take you, hardly to europe, right?!

Ugh this episode will definitely put Babel back on top, hopefully for the last fucking time. The monks most definitely get that gold out of the plaza, I am certain about it.

And here we go again, han seo being too cocky too soon, this will backfire...nooooo

Whatever happened to inzaghi? Idg the meaning of inzaghi not being there for him leaving...it's already midnight my brain is lacking. Did we find out what nk soldier boys hidden identity is in vincenzo? I am certain he was in one of the 4pictures when the rat ratted them out to the bad guys

Don't touch his girl I guess;)

Can we freeze time now cause I don't want this to end next weekend. Already in tears. I'm still confused why they brought this new bad guy in almost at the end but i don't mind Vinnie beating all them korean assholes who want to harm,either him or his family, to the curb.

My weekly mantra remains, Han Seo please be stayin alive. That bee gees tune really his his theme song.

[yourlocalslasher]

can you write bo and vincent with an insecure chubby gf 👉👈🥺

Yesss oml yEsSs- (very very slight nsfw on bo’s part lmao)

BO

He loves all your curves.

Tbh thinks you look hot af in anything you wear. ESPECIALLY daisy dukes. (aka very short shorts)

You are beautiful and perfect to him, even though he might not always show it. 

And despite Bo being Bo, if he sees you upset about your appearance he will most definitely tell you how fucking beautiful you are.

“Baby you’re fuckin’ gorgeous an’ y’cant change my mind.”

He really tries to be nice about complimenting you but it sometimes it comes out something like this:

“Other men wish they had a sexy bitch like you but only the sexiest man gets the hottest woman so I’m the only man who can clap them cheeks-”

Will get pissed if you insult yourself.

If he can’t TELL you how much he loves you he’s just gonna have to show it.

Hahahaha you will receive the best Bo treatment he can offer.

S e x .

VINCENT

Soft tummy woman very pretty~~

Vinny has countless wax statues of you, you have such a nice form to sculpt.

Expect lotsa cuddles. 25/8.

He wants to constantly compliment you.

“You...look...v-very pretty in that dress...”

Although he is a good boi he will BITCHSLAP Bo and risk his life if Bo makes fun of you.

Spoiler alert Bo ends up tripping and Vincent survives the risky slap.

When you’re laying together at night, he will comfort you and tell you how perfect you are.

Absolutely loves hugging your squishy tummy.

Vincent loves you just the way you are, curves and all. There's just more of you to love!!

[balenciagastones]

why did this nearly make me cry, ive always loved nmecha (hes sexy af) and now he’s going to play under vinny 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

[the--blackdahlia]

Royals Chapter 3 (Tommy x Nikki)

Title: Royals Chapter 3

Summary:  Tommy’s hiding a secret from the rest of the band. He hoped it would never come out, but somehow, it did.

Warnings: Maybe just some language for this chapter

AN: Thank you guys for all the feedback! Here’s chapter 3! (Sorry for the delay but I’m feeling better now)

Greg, for better words, was not a match. He showed off his skills to Nikki at the store, but Nikki was not as flirty with him as he had been with Tommy. In fact, he came off a little cold and concrete. Tommy wasn’t sure what had changed in the bassist, but Greg seemed to get the hint and decided not to try to continue with this band.

“So, we need a guitarist and a vocalist,” Nikki grumbled as him and Tommy walked away from the store close to opening. Tommy stopped at a paper vending machine and paid for a copy of the Recycler before they continued walking. “We need someone who fucking shreds.”

“Greg wasn’t that bad,” Tommy shrugged, looking through the classifieds.

“He’s just not what I envision for the band,” Nikki was slightly snippy whenever Greg was brought up. Tommy stopped walking and it took Nikki a couple steps before he realized the drummer wasn’t with him. “What?”

“Here!” Tommy laid the newspaper on a bench. Nikki walked over and looked at the paper.

“What am I looking at?” He asked. Tommy used his drumstick to point at the paper.

Loud, rude, and aggressive guitar player.

“Well, that seems to fit the image,” Nikki nodded. “But let’s just look around first, okay? Most people who advertise in there are assholes.”

“Oh, okay,” Tommy nodded, folding up the paper and carrying it with him, just in case.

****

Three nights went by before Nikki and Tommy found their guitarist. They had gone out on the strip, doing a circuit of the clubs until finally they saw a band playing that had a pretty kick ass guitarist. He was short, a whole lot shorter than the two of them. But damn, did he play better than anyone else they had seen.

“Dude, that was awesome!” Tommy told Nikki as they waited outside the club for the mysterious guitarist.

“Yeah. I think he’s what we need,” Nikki licked his lips. The awkward fluorescent lighting outside of the club made Tommy’s skin look a different color, but Nikki didn’t care. “Hey T?”

“Yeah?” Tommy turned to look at the bassist, and before he knew it, he was pressed against the brick wall and Nikki’s lips were on his. It was rough, but Tommy let his eyes fall closed and parted his lips and felt himself being pressed harder against the wall. But fuck, he did not mind, not one bit. He had been imagining this very scene for awhile now.

Nikki finally pulled back after a little bit, both of them breathing heavy.

“Fuck,” He breathed. “We’ll have to do that more often.” Tommy didn’t know what to say. He just nodded. It took him a couple seconds before his mind caught up with what was going on.

“Nik, there’s something I gotta tell you,” Tommy told him. Tommy was about to open his mouth to tell him something when the side door opened and the guitarist came walking out.

“Hold that thought. We gotta talk to him,” Nikki smirked at him before turning towards the guitarist, who was lugging his things out to a fucking hatchback. “Hey man, need some help?”

“Uh, I got it,” Mick grumbled, eyeing the two of them.

“We saw you play,” Nikki told him. “Wondering if you were looking for another band. We’re in need of a guitarist of your skill.”

“You saw my ad?” Mick asked, standing up straight.

“Your ad?” Nikki asked, glancing back at Tommy.

“Loud, rude, and aggressive guitar player,” Mick told them. Tommy smacked Nikki’s arm lightly, giving him a “I told you so look” before taking a step towards him.

“I’m Tommy. And this is Nikki,” Tommy told him.

“Mick Mars,” He ran his eyes up and down Tommy, like he was trying to decide if this was friend or foe. “You’re a drummer?”

“Yeah dude!” Tommy smiled happily. Mick noticed Nikki staring at Tommy like he was the most important thing in the world. “I played with Suite 19 for the longest, but I was also with a band called Dealer and…”

“Pretty scrawny for a drummer,” Mick nodded. He looked over at Nikki. “When do you want me to try out?”

“You already did,” Nikki smirked. “If you want it, it’s yours.”

“What do I have to lose? Two kids approach me in a dark alley and offer me a gig? Eh, been in worse. You should see my ex wife,” Mick smiled at them. “Number’s in the paper. Call me when you want me to come jam with you guys.” With that, he was gone. Nikki looked over at Tommy and smiled.

“Come on, let’s go back to my place for some beers,” He wrapped an arm around his waist.

“Your place the music store?” Tommy asked.

“No man. I have an apartment. I just like the free shit he gives me,” Nikki laughed. “Come on, let’s go.”

****

Mick came over and they all three played together, finally having the energy that Nikki had been craving, but they were still missing something. They were still lacking a vocalist to be the siren to draw people in. So they set out on their new mission to find someone to front the band, to sing all the songs Nikki was writing, to make them stand out from every other band on the strip.

“You think we’re gonna get lucky a second time and find who we’re looking for at a bar?” Tommy asked as him, Mick, and Nikki made their way into the Roxy.

“There’s always a chance,” Nikki laughed. He placed a kiss on Tommy’s lips. “Keep your eyes open guys.” Tommy made his way over to the bar. He ordered himself a whiskey, and as he waited for the drink, a man came up to him.

“Hey sexy, buy you a drink?” He asked. Tommy turned.

“I got one, th...Vinnie?!” Tommy’s smile widened and his eyes lit up. The blond man leaning against the bar returned the smile and gave the taller man a hug.

“Fuck T, when did you get hot?” Vince laughed. “Man it’s good to see you!”

“Um-hum,”

Tommy and Vince turned to look at Nikki, who was standing there with his arms crossed. Tommy smiled brightly and stood next to Nikki.

“Babe, this is my friend Vince! We went to Royal Oak together,” Tommy told him. “Vince this is Nikki. We’re bandmates!”

“And boyfriends,” Nikki growled, sizing Vince up.

“Vince sings,” Tommy told Nikki. “You still in that cover band?”

“Rock Candy? Nah man. I was too good and they knew it. I’m solo right now,” Vince told him proudly. Tommy looked at Nikki, his eyes shining and he looked so damn happy.

“There’s our singer,” Tommy told him. “It’s perfect!”

“Never even heard him,” Nikki shook his head.

“I have,” Mick stepped up. “Rock Candy opened for one of my bands. He’s got a pretty good set of pipes.”

“Thanks...old man?” Vince asked, causing Mick to glare at him.

“Come on, give him a shot. Please?” Tommy asked.

“Fine.” Nikki sighed. “I’ll give you the address. Come over and jam with us.”

“Awesome!” Vince smirked. Tommy gave him a high five. Mick looked over at Nikki, who was watching the interaction between the two friends. “You guys any good?”

“Dude, we’re fucking amazing!” Tommy smiled. “You’ll love it!”

“Hey, it’s karaoke night,” Vince told them. “And I’ll be up here any minute.” That’s when Vince’s name was called. “Wish me luck T.” He winked at the drummer and headed towards the stage. Nikki crossed his arms over his chest.

“I hate that guy,” Nikki mumbled.

“He’s awesome Nik. Trust me,” Tommy smiled at the bassist before watching Vince get ready. He took the mic, and Nikki half expected some Top 40 pop. But instead, Aerosmith’s Dream On started to play, and man, did Vince do it some justice.

“Not bad,” Mick nodded. “What do you think Sixx?”

“I still hate him...but we can give him a try,” Nikki sighed. Nikki leaned over the bar to snag a pen and napkin, writing down the address that Vince would need to come to. He handed it over to Mick. “Will you give it to him?”

“Me? Why can’t you?” Mick grumbled, snatching the napkin from Nikki.

“We’re leaving. Have a thing to do,” Nikki motioned to him and Tommy. “See you tomorrow Mick.”

“Yeah, yeah,” He waved them off. Nikki took Tommy’s hand and pulled him out of the bar. Vince made his way over to Mick, looking around for Tommy and Nikki.

“Hey, where’d they go?” Vince asked.

“To screw like rabbits,” Mick groaned. He looked over at Vince and handed him the napkin before taking his leave. Vince looked down at the napkin, then at the door the band had left out of.

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[mj-spooks]

Challenge accepted. You shalt become tumblr famous via Leverage. But then that means I gotta branch out to more topics and parallels. Okay. For starters, howabout Leverage Crew as Disney Princesses?

You’re hilarious. For the record when you send asks and I never reply, it’s usually because I don’t have any coherent responses and mean to get back to them, but never come up with anything. I’m not ignoring them I swear. Moving on.

Okay so I’m not going to cheat at this, I’m only using princesses that were actual Disney properties when they were created. No Princess Leia cheats. I’m also not using Shuri, even though Black Panther was made after Disney’s acquisition of Marvel, for the same reason. OG Disney Princesses ONLY.

HOWEVER

I am being loose with the term “princess” in that I’m using female characters who are included in Princess marketing, regardless of actual royal status.

The main reason for that being Nate, who I think is Mulan. HEAR ME OUT. Lived according to the rules expected of him, up until a certain point in his life where following said rules had gotten him all of nothing to show for it. Saw injustice, went around the system to correct said injustice. Picked up a ragtag band of rough around the edges companions who assisted him in his heroic endeavors. Saved China a lot of innocent people from the Huns corruption and ruin. Inventive and resourceful. Good at improv. Also, picture Sophie singing “Make a Man Out of You”. *chef’s kiss*

Parker is Rapunzel. Abusive parental figure that acts less like a proper parent and more like a friend one second and an evil jail warden the next, lots of random and seemingly useless skills. Socially awkward due to isolation. Hyper af, attention span of a gnat. Except when something’s of particular interest, then suddenly she’s on it like white on rice. Falls for a guy that’s not half a suave as he likes to pretend, is in fact actually a huge dork, for all that he tries to be a rogue (this could refer to either Hardison or Eliot, though I do tend to picture Hardison more as the Flynn Rider type).

Speaking of Hardison, I think he’s Kida from Atlantis. Firstly because obviously one of them had to be. That movie is just. The frikkin best. But also because they’re both highly intelligent and quick-witted. No hesitation to snark, sure of themselves, friendly and animated but also fiercely protective and with a big heart. Would do anything for the people they care about. All around badass. Could probably win most fights but would rather use other means to succeed if possible. This one is funny though in that he’s basically also Milo. He’s both. Eliot is his Audrey and Parker is... probably his Vinny, I can totally see her doing the “look, I made a bridge!” bit.

Eliot took me a while, but I finally settled on Tiana. Humble beginnings, hard-working, resilient. Works hard, doesn’t know when to quit. Can and will prove every single person wrong about every rude thing they’ve ever thought about him. Culinary genius. Seems hard on the outside but is secretly hiding a big, soft heart. Smarter than he’s given credit for, just wants to be left to do his thing and make beignets. Fell in love with a big goofball with his heart in the right place but who does dumb stuff like. Basically all the time. Again this could be either of the other OT3 members.

Sophie is hard for me! But I eventually settled on Jasmine. Mostly because of the scene where Jasmine distract-seduces Jafar to help Aladdin out. Not many of the princesses are capable of that level of duplicitousness. She’s smart, she’s sexy, she knows how to use these traits to get what she wants. Also, Jasmine is clearly the grifter of the princess roster, considering both the seduction and the bit where she pretends to be a beggar earlier in the film. A little self-obsessed, I think, because Jasmine never really considered what life was like outside the palace until she snuck out and saw for herself. Still, she has a good heart, and a good head on her shoulders.

[morticianikolaevna]

Dugouts and Paint

Wow, look its a Pat Murray X reader fic!!! Got this idea from an ask I saw on another blog, and I just had to do this too!!! Are you guys tired of me yet? I have inspiration for days you guys. Anyways, enjoy! WARNINGS: Language!

For some reason, your husband Pat decided to get to the baseball field way before anyone showed up. You couldn't even tell if the groundskeeper came yet! Yet, here you are with Pat, waiting in the dugout for everyone else. Pat was doing some stretches, his biceps looking extra good today. You were always a sucker for Pat in his uniform......He looked extra sexy. Coming out of your daze, you heard Pat repeat himself again, looking at you. "Y/N? Hey, are you listening? That fucking morons Barone and Vinnie took my bat last practice and used fucking GLITTER GLUE and drew a huge dick on my bat! So I took this knife and carved a dick onto Barone's helmet, now I can call him a dickhead." He held up the knife and helmet and laughed like a maniac.

You were already shaking like a leaf, and nobody even knew yet. You were 2 months pregnant you found out, and thank god you weren't showing yet. You faked a smile and laugh, sitting down next to Pat on the bench. "He's going to fucking kill you, Pat. But that is damn good." You grabbed his black paint from his bag and uncapped it, taking his jaw in your hand still shaking.

"Okay Pat, hold still so I can get this right." His eyes locked to yours as he felt you shake and his eyebrow shot up. "Babe, your shaking like crazy. What's wrong? You aren't hiding something from me, are you?" He asked looking at you. You put the cap back on and set it down, taking his hand. "Pat, if I tell you, you can't tell anyone just yet. I wanna wait a little bit....." Oh boy, you had his attention now. His hazel eyes locked to yours, his thumb swiping over your fingers gently.

"I can't make any promises because, well you know. I'm Pat Murray after all. But you can tell me anything baby. Plus, you might not get another chance until the boys are gone, so pretty please tell me?" He batted his eyelashes at you. You took in a breath and sat up on your knees, holding his hand. "Well. Patrick Murray, you're going to be a daddy....." you took his hand and put it on your somewhat swollen belly. "I didn't know till yesterday. I'm two months along."

Pat's mouth dropped and he shot up, his hands doing all kinds of weird movements. "WHAT?? TWO MONTHS?? AND OH MY GOD....." His face dropped in joy, his face getting red. You stood up and put your arms out. He embraced you, crying. His tears were gently falling. "Oh, baby....I love you so much. I'm the luckiest man in the world." He sniffled, and the moment was ruined when you heard Ty shout behind Pat, making him angry.

"Hey, Murray? You getting all cuddly with your wifey yeah?" The whole team had shown up, and Pat turned around still crying. "GUYS I'M GONNA BE A DAD!!! Y/N IS TWO MONTHS ALONG!!!" Pat screeched out. "WHA-" Vinnie screamed, face planting straight into the dirt of the dugout. The whole dugout erupted in screams as they all congratulated Pat. Pat's father, of course, heard people screaming his son's name so he rushed right over.

"What's going on?? Pat are you crying??" Pat turned and sobbed more. "I'M GONNA BE A DAD, DAD! YOUR GONNA BE A GRANDPA!!!" He hugged him and Mr. Murray looked at you. "This is wonderful news, congratulations, my son!" Pat looked you in the eyes and gave you the biggest hug ever, shared by a kiss. "I'm the happiest man alive right now Y/N, you don't even know. I love you so much, Y/N Murray. Don't forget that." You both hugged longer until he had to go play. You watched as he had one of his tantrums later, but you were able to calm him down in a second.

BONUS:

Two years later, you sat in the dugout with the boys with your 2-year-old son, Percy. You wanted his initials to match Pat's, so you both agreed to Percy Murray. Pat came in between switches and kissed you, then Percy. "Hey little man, are you enjoying watching daddy play baseball?" Percy nodded, his red hair that matched his fathers covering his eyes. "I wove you dada...." Pat smiled and kissed his son again. "I love you more little guy. Dada has to go, I'll be back!" love him so much. And you too, of course. My baby." He kissed you yet again and ran off. Life was good for both you and Pat. Now, all you had to do was tell Pat you were having another little Murray.

Requests are open!!! ❤ Since I keep whipping out Pat imagines, I'm gonna work on some headcanons with Ben and Gwil. I really don't have any ideas for Rami yet, so help me out! -Ryder❤

@queen-irl-af @borhapqueen92 @plethora-of-things @punkgeekchic @scarecrowmax @extremelypansexual

[planttastic]

Book List 2017!

Goal: 48 Read: 48 New Authors: 13!: Rebekah Crane, Georgia Hunter, David Machado, Dee Lestari, Garson O’Toole, Tahereh Mafi, Soraya Lane, Courtney Elizabeth Mauk, F.C. Lee, Kory Stamper, Marie Lu, Mohsin Hamid, & Krysten Ritter Re-reads: 2: 1984, & The Stupidest Angel

1. The Hidden Oracle (The Trials of Apollo #1) - Rick Riordan, ★★★★

2. Dragon Fly in Amber (Outlander #2) - Diana Gabaldon, ★★★★

3. Seven Up (Stephanie Plum #7) - Janet Evanovich, ★★★

4. Packing For Mars: The Curious Science of Life In The Void) - Mary Roach, ★★★★★

5. Hard Eight (Stephanie Plum #8) - Janet Evanovich, ★★★

6. The Odds of Loving Grover Cleveland - Rebekah Crane, ★★★

7. 1984 - George Orwell, ★★★★

8. To The Nines (Stephanie Plum #9), ★★★

9. At Night We Walk In Circles - Daniel Alarcón, ★★★★

10. Ten Big Ones (Stephanie Plum #10) - Janet Evanovich, ★★

11. We Were the Lucky Ones - Georgia Hunter, ★★★★

12. Eleven on Top (Stephanie Plum #11) - Janet Evanovich, ★★

13. Twelve Sharp (Stephanie Plum #12) - Janet Evanovich, ★★★★

14. Lean Mean Thirteen (Stephanie Plum #13) - Janet Evanovich, ★★★

15. The Shelf Life of Happiness - David Machado, ★★★

16. Grunt: The Curious Science of Humans at War - Mary Roach, ★★★★

17. Paper Boats - Dee Lestari, ★★★★

18. Hemingway Didn’t Say That: The Truth Behind Familiar Quotations - Garson O’Toole, ★★

19. Shatter Me (Shatter Me #1) - Tahereh Mafi, ★★★★

20. Unravel Me (Shatter me #2) - Tahereh Mafi, ★★★

21. Unite Me (Shatter Me #1.5 & 2.5) - Tahereh Mafi, ★★

22. Ignite Me (Shatter Me #3) - Tahereh Mafi, ★★★

23. American Gods - Neil Gaiman, ★★★

24. Wives of War - Soraya Lane, ★★★

25. The Special Power of Restoring Lost Things - Courtney Elizabeth Mauk, ★★

26. Fearless Fourteen (Stephanie Plum #14) - Janet Evanovich, ★★★

27. Finger Lickin’ Fifteen (Stephanie Plum #15) - Janet Evanovich, ★★★

28. Sizzling Sixteen (Stephanie Plum #16) - Janet Evanovich, ★★★

29. Smoking Seventeen (Stephanie Plum #17) - Janet Evanovich, ★★★

30. The Epic Crush of Genie Lo - F.C. Lee, ★★★★

31. Word By Word: The Secret Life of Dictionaries - Kory Stamper, ★★★★

32. Explosive Eighteen (Stephanie Plum #18) - Janet Evanovich, ★★

33. Little Fires Everywhere - Celeste Ng, ★★★★★

34. The Dark Prophecy (The Trials of Apollo #2) - Rick Riordan, ★★★★

35. Notorious Nineteen (Stephanie Plum #19) - Janet Evanovich, ★★

36. Young Jane Young - Gabrielle Zevin, ★★★★

37. Takedown Twenty (Stephanie Plum #20) - Janet Evanovich, ★★★

38. Warcross (Warcross #1) - Marie Lu, ★★★★

39. Sourdough - Robin Sloan, ★★★★

40. La Belle Sauvage (The Book Of Dust #1) - Philip Pullman, ★★★★

41. Voyager (Outlander #3) - Diana Gabaldon, ★★★★

42. Feedback (Newsflesh #4) - Mira Grant, ★★★★

43. Top Secret Twenty-one (Stephanie Plum #21) - Janet Evanovich, ★★

44. Exit West - Mohsin Hamid, ★★★★★

45. Bonfire - Krysten Ritter, ★★★★

46. Artemis - Andy Weir, ★★

47. The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror (Pine Cove #3) - Christopher Moore, ★★★

48. Mrs. Fletcher - Tom Perotta, ★★★

**WARNING** SPOILERS BELOW!

1. The Hidden Oracle (The Trials of Apollo #1) - Rick Riordan, ★★★★ Here's the thing. I know these are middle school books, HOWEVER some of my favorite modern literary characters have come from Riordan's Demigod books and this one contains the return of two of my favorites. I'm glad that he's continuing to write them, though I wish he would up the reading level, as I'm sure a lot of his readers are into YA levels now. An easy start for the new year! Progress: January 1, 2017 – Started Reading January 4, 2017 – Finished Reading

2. Dragon Fly in Amber (Outlander #2) - Diana Gabaldon, ★★★★ I must admit, I enjoyed this one much more than the first (a surprise, considering I wasn't a huge fan of season 2 of the show). It deals a lot more with history and the coming together of the Rising, which was more interesting than I expected. The ending was still incredibly sad and hopeful (as I did expect) and got me right in the heart. Progress: January 5, 2017 – Started Reading January 6, 2017 –page 79. "This book is long af. I was surprised to see a big reveal for a character (if you could call it that, I guess) in the first chapter. Oh the differences between tv writing and novels." January 12, 2017 –page 389. "Dude just pulled a snake out of his pocket like it was no thing. Wtf was happening in France?! Don't keep snakes in your jackets, gents. That is weird af." January 14, 2017 –page 521 "Sudden POV shift to Jaime is odd and unexpected. It seems that it's just in chunks? Makes it feel uneven." January 15, 2017 – Finished Reading

3. Seven Up (Stephanie Plum #7) - Janet Evanovich, ★★★ Stephanie is bad at her job, these are super formulaic and there's a standard love triangle, yet I can't stop reading these. They are the potato chip of bounty hunter novels. Progress: January 16, 2017 – Started Reading January 18, 2017 – Finished Reading

4. Packing For Mars: The Curious Science of Life In The Void - Mary Roach, ★★★★★ Full of science, humor and a lot of information I never thought to ask about space.  Mary Roach is my favorite science writer, quite possibly my favorite non-fiction writer. Stiff will probably always be my favorite of her books, but I think this is tied for 2nd with Gulp. Progress: January 19, 2017 – Started Reading January 19, 2017 – Shelved January 20, 2017 – page 133 "It's things like, "buttocks are nature's safety foam" that make me love Mary Roach's books. Give me all the facts in amusing and easily digestable prose!" January 24, 2017 – Finished Reading

5. Hard Eight (Stephanie Plum #8) - Janet Evanovich, ★★★ I figure since this book came out over 13 years ago, spoilers don't count, so I'm not going to put this under a cut, but at least a warning. WARNING. Stephanie is still terrible at her job, goes through cars more often than she buys tanks of gas, but at least she FINALLY BANGED RANGER. Unfortunately we only got a paragraph of explanation, which does not do justice to his apparent sexiness. (For the record, I'm still Team Cupcake.)  This one did feel a bit different, as she wasn't money-driven to solve the case. It does lend her a bit more... humanity? Progress: January 25, 2017 – Started Reading January 25, 2017 – page 94 "Gdi Stephanie, if you're going to handcuff a FTA to your car, DON'T LEAVE THE KEYS IN IT.  I swear 😒 is the only face I make when reading these." January 26, 2017 – page 128 "AGAIN with the wedging herself into a car. A Honda CR-V is a gd suv. Despite Stephanie being repulsed by her 'stomach roll', unless she has the seat very far up, doubtful considering she is also tall, she would not need to wedge herself into the front seat of an suv. Ughhhhhh. 😒" January 27, 2017 – Finished Reading

6. The Odds of Loving Grover Cleveland - Rebekah Crane, ★★★ I got this as a Kindle First Read and decided to read it as a filler between trips to the library. It proved to be a very quick read, and reminded me of Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher, though they aren't really that similar. (I had conflicting feelings about that one, too.) I think it does downplay mental illness, but does a good job of showcasing the power of friendship (less cheesy than it sounds), being there, and how tenuous that can be. Progress: January 28, 2017 – Started Reading January 29, 2017 – Finished Reading

7. 1984 - George Orwell, ★★★★ It's pretty clear why everyone is suddenly re-reading this. It's not going to save us though. Progress: January 29, 2017 – Started Reading January 31, 2017 – page 81 ""The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command. His heart sank as he thought of the enormous power arrayed against him..." #alarminglyrelevant" February 4, 2017 – page 199 "I know it's been years since I read this, but did I really just conveniently forget how wordy and dense it was? Oof." February 5, 2017 – Finished Reading

8. To The Nines (Stephanie Plum #9), ★★★ Finally some real character development! Or at least acknowledgement from Stephanie that she has learned things (wearing sensible shoes) and that she feels lackluster in her performance. It was interesting to see her finally evaluate her life outside of who she is as a romantic partner (I know that the romance is a big part of the series, but still).  And it was nice to see Vinnie be a little less creepy and explore some different bond types. Progress: February 6, 2017 – Started Reading February 6, 2017 – page 32 "Not really sure how I feel about Stephanie's hatred of a lady she just met, especially considering it seems to tie in with how she looks. Uncomfortable." February 7, 2017 – page 248 "For the second time, Stephanie has mentioned having sensible shoes on in case she has to run. She IS getting better!" February 8, 2017 – Finished Reading

9. At Night We Walk In Circles - Daniel Alarcón, ★★★★ A winding novel with an unexpected ending.  I really had no idea what it was going to be about, but I had read Lost City Radio in 07 or 08 for my Writers on Writing class and enjoyed it quite a bit and was excited to see that he had written another novel. Progress: February 8, 2017 – Started Reading February 18, 2017 – Finished Reading

10. Ten Big Ones (Stephanie Plum #10) - Janet Evanovich, ★★ I have a lot of issues with this one. First the good: Ranger and the tiny peek into his life. And the return of Sally Sweet!!  The bad: This one feels pretty racist with all of the gang bits.  Stephanie seems to suffer no consequences for her terrible actions and she continues to suck at her job. Despite her constant refusal to get a different job, there are times where she's is pretty lackadaisical when it comes to actually doing it.  There were A LOT of questionable things that happened, some really awful and terrible things, and at the end everyone is like, "lol, nbd." ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Actions have consequences, unless you're at the end of a Plum novel, I guess. Progress: February 18, 2017 – Started Reading February 22, 2017 – page 181 "So much fat shaming/ guilt happening right now I want to stop reading.  This is the part of 'chick lit' that I loathe. Way to reinforce stereotypes.  At the same time, if your character is going to eat a dozen donuts a day, she should know that she's going to gain weight and be on the lookout for diabetes because that's is just unhealthy." February 23, 2017 - page 226 "Jfc Stephanie, this is the worst idea, ever. If I didn't know the series was continuing, I'd think this is how the character got killed off." February 24, 2017 – Finished Reading

11. We Were the Lucky Ones - Georgia Hunter, ★★★★ Oh, my heart.  This was pretty difficult for me to start, mostly because I didn't want to get too attached to characters that were bound to have a horrific end. However, once it gets going (ie, all the terrible things start happening), it goes pretty quickly.  I don't know if if any one novel can encapsulate the spanning horror of the Holocaust, and I appreciate (not sure if that's the right word) that Hunter went for a more focused approach, scattering milestone dates within the story. Progress: February 25, 2017 – Started Reading March 8, 2017 – Finished Reading

12. Eleven on Top (Stephanie Plum #11) - Janet Evanovich, ★★ :Deep, prolonged, exasperated sigh:  Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie. I'm so glad you're a fictional character, because I'm pretty sure I'd hate you if you were real.  AND YET, I can't stop reading these. I blame Morelli and Ranger. Progress: March 9, 2017 – Started Reading March 11, 2017 – Finished Reading

13. Twelve Sharp (Stephanie Plum #12) - Janet Evanovich, ★★★★ FINALLY. A story I liked!  We get a lot of Ranger in this one, a pretty decent story, and none of Stephanie's cars blow up! She's competent and not as silly. I was wrong about the 'turning point' moment! Finally, finally, finally. Progress: March 13, 2017 – Started Reading March 15, 2017 – page 201 "There's usually a point in each of the novels where I think, 'that is how everything is going to go to hell.' This one is leaving her gd panic button at the office and skipping town to get away from "scary stuff" and Ranger, while someone is trying to KILL HER." March 17, 2017 – Finished Reading

14. Lean Mean Thirteen (Stephanie Plum #13) - Janet Evanovich, ★★★ I had issues with some of the motives in this one (especially with Joyce) and I continue to be annoyed that Morelli and Ranger pass Stephanie between them while 'protecting' her. The ending seemed a bit trite, but at least her car died in a normal way.  Not entirely sure how I feel about her constantly complaining about her job. But perhaps I'm expecting too much. Progress: March 22, 2017 – Started Reading April 1, 2017 – Finished Reading

15. The Shelf Life of Happiness - David Machado, ★★★ I got this as a Kindle First read, so I wasn't really sure what I was getting into. I liked it well enough. I definitely wanted more of the story, the end felt kind of abrupt. Progress: April 26, 2017 – Started Reading May 7, 2017 – Finished Reading

16. Grunt: The Curious Science of Humans at War - Mary Roach, ★★★★ Though not my favorite of Roach's books (that will always go to Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers), I found this a lot more interesting than I thought I would because it's about subjects I wouldn't have immediately thought of when thinking, 'war.'  A lot of the 'gross' that Roach does so well, (who thinks about diarrhea when fighting a battle?) along with textile science and shark repellent. Progress: May 9, 2017 – Started Reading May 18, 2017 – Finished Reading

17. Paper Boats - Dee Lestari, ★★★★ I ended up loving this book a lot more than I expected it to.  It's very sweet. The characters are charming and likeable. It does a very good job of capturing the awkward personal growth that happens during college and how it affects relationships.  I thought I could feel a bit of Tiffany Tsao in her translation, at least I found some similarities to her novel. I can certainly see why Lestari is such a popular writer in Indonesia. One of the best Kindle First books I've read. Progress: May 18, 2017 – Started Reading May 23, 2017 – Finished Reading

18. Hemingway Didn’t Say That: The Truth Behind Familiar Quotations - Garson O’Toole, ★★ Oof. I will say that this is very well researched. Clearly a lot of time and effort went into finding the origins of these quotes, and I do appreciate that.  However, I am not a fan of how the information is presented. Most of it feels pretentious ("QI feels...") and stiff. To be completely honest, I don't read many nonfiction books for a similar reason, so it's purely opinion. Progress: May 24, 2017 – Started Reading May 24, 2017 – 1.0% "Holy pretentiousness Batman... This might be rough to get through, but I really love quotes..." May 24, 2017 – 2.0% "There's faulty information on the Internet?! YOU DON'T SAY. (It is possible that I'm not the target generation for this intro.)" May 25, 2017 – 11.0% "Maybe I don't like quotes as much as I thought I did." May 28, 2017 – page 59 14.9% "My last year of college, I wrote this play about a blogger loosely based on my life. I had a draft due, so I pulled a few of my own blog posts, pasted them in some strategic places and turned it in. Almost all the feedback I got was about how the blog posts didn't make sense with the rest of the writing, probably because I didn't bother to edit them. That's how I feel about some of these entries" June 12, 2017 – page 241 60.86% "Not that it's important, but I have no idea what POV is being used here. Sometimes it feels like second person, and others third? All readers know that the writer is from QI, so separating them seems awkward. Oh well." June 19, 2017 – Finished Reading

19. Shatter Me (Shatter Me #1) - Tahereh Mafi, ★★★★ I have to say, I was pretty surprised by this novel.  The premise is not new (dystopia, boy meets girl, etc, etc), but Mafi has a very distinct and different writing style that I find quite enjoyable. It's different. I imagine a lot of people hate it? There's several instances where people are commenting on Juliette's body that are gross and super off-putting. I'm hoping this is something that diminishes in further novels.  SPOILER: The best part was the end though, SURPRISE IT'S JUST A SUPERHERO ORIGIN STORY. All of a sudden we're in this weird X-Men/Inhumans universe and I am so here for it.  Looking forward to reading the rest. Progress: June 21, 2017 – Started Reading June 25, 2017 – Finished Reading

20. Unravel Me (Shatter me #2) - Tahereh Mafi, ★★★ Basically everything I expected to happen, did happen. Ughhhhhh. Progress: June 28, 2017 – Started Reading July 1, 2017 – 30.0% "So far, most of this has been angst and trying to make Warner and Juliette seem So Similar. It makes me want to barf." July 2, 2017 – 64.0% "Every time I read YA novels I always think how I would never want to be a teen again. The angst and drama and omg." July 2, 2017 – Finished Reading

21. Unite Me (Shatter Me #1.5 & 2.5) - Tahereh Mafi, ★★ Destroy Me: I do not understand people's love for Warner. I'm going to put this under a spoiler cut, just in case.  SPOILER: He's the embodiment of entitled masculinity. He wants Juliette even though: he doesn't really know her, she hates him, he thinks she'll 'save him, and that he deserves her. It's gross. He literally kidnapped her after stalking her. He manipulated her on more than one occasion, bordering on torture, just to see what she was capable of. And now he's reading her diary/book as though he has the right to know those thoughts. His image of Juliette has been stripped of all agency. I don't care that he has qualms about what the Reestablishment is doing. I don't care that he seems to care about the citizens in his sector (also creepy). I don't care that he's possibly losing his grip on reality. I'm pretty sure he's going to turn over to the Omega's side in later installments so that he can get some kind of redemption arc, and then there might be a love triangle (BARF). I hope Juliette stays far away from him. I hope she never forgives him for the kidnapping, the simulation room, or his general desire to own her. Because women don't owe men anything, because we're not objects to be owned. Fracture Me: 75% of it was just a retelling of the end of Unravel Me, so that was unfortunate. I imagine it was a nice bonus to have while waiting for Ignite Me to come out, but I don't know how much it added to the the series. Progress: June 25, 2017 – Started Reading July 3, 2017 – Finished Reading

22. Ignite Me (Shatter Me #3) - Tahereh Mafi, ★★★ So, I really wanted to like this series. I really did.  However, I was so disappointed in how it all played out. The characters were totally OOC in this installment.  I still hate Warner, I don't care what he does.  The end felt anticlimactic, though that might just be a symptom of reading too much dystopian YA novels.  Pretty unsure about there being more books, but I think a lot of people will read them. Progress: July 5, 2017 – Started Reading July 5, 2017 - 6.0% "Ughhhhhhh. This is everything I Did Not Want.  Warner, your 'elaborate scheme' was not for your father's benefit, it was your way to stalk her, you creepy asshat." July 6, 2017 – 10.0% "She thinks she should lead the resistance? What? Is that why she trained so hard while she was at Omega Point? Oh wait... She didn't. Excuse me while I don't believe our MC." July 8, 2017 – 29.0% "And we descend into every trope of the third YA trilogy book. I was expecting so much more than this." July 8, 2017 – Finished Reading

23. American Gods - Neil Gaiman, ★★★ I had pretty high expectations for this novel, as I'm a Gaiman fan and a lot of people rave about it.  However, I found myself a bit disappointed. The imagery was probably the best part, a lot of awesome scenes were set up that would be visually stunning. I enjoyed Shadow as a character, but I expected more to happen.  SPOILER: It feels like 500 pages of build up to a war that never happens. I wonder if I'm just expecting too much 'action' because of other books I've been reading.  On a completely tactile note, this edition is incredibly pleasant to read. It stays open when lying on a table, and it has nice bendy covers. I bought this years ago from Borders and it's been sitting on a shelf since. Progress: July 16, 2017 – Started Reading July 22, 2017 – Finished Reading

24. Wives of War - Soraya Lane, ★★★ I actually enjoyed this more than I thought I would. Lane does a very interesting job at skirting around some of the extremes of war. There are no overly gory or visceral descriptions of wounds or death and is generally light on descriptive detail in general. People are explained in detail, (nearly everyone is very pretty or very handsome) and an occasional location will also be described. I actually prefer less description, but I could see that others may find it lacking.  This novel is very much about emotions, and considering the subject matter, it makes sense. I found myself wanting less telling and more showing in some cases. What I did find very interesting is the gender politics that were in play. WWII is a fascinating time to explore it, what was expected of our three main 'girls,' how they either defied or followed them, and what it meant after the war was over. It gets a little schmaltzy sometimes, but I'm willing to forgive that. SPOILERS: The Thomas situation is very difficult, considering PTSD wasn't 'a thing' yet, but they did acknowledge combat neurosis. But it pained me to see Scarlet battered, and still feel that she couldn't leave, that she was required to stay with him. And for Thomas's life to come to such a tragic end. It was hard to read, but also expected. And they totally say The Thing at the end. Progress: July 24, 2017 – Started Reading July 28, 2017 – Finished Reading

25. The Special Power of Restoring Lost Things - Courtney Elizabeth Mauk, ★★ I'm not really sure what to say beyond that I just didn't like it. It's possible I would have liked it more if I had read it before Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng (they have similar plots, but beyond that, they have little in common).  I didn't like any of the characters, though I did feel some empathy towards Drew and Ben. Carol was completely unlikable, though perhaps that was the point? I certainly don't understand her actions. I found myself wishing I knew more about Jennifer, maybe it would justify the reactions of her family more.  It is a very quick read, though. Progress: July 31, 2017 – Started Reading August 1, 2017 – Finished Reading

26. Fearless Fourteen (Stephanie Plum #14) - Janet Evanovich, ★★★ I still keep expecting Stephanie (and Lula?) to get better at their jobs.  Adding the kid in to this novel was a nice change, glad to see Mooner back too, even though Stephanie is judges them very harshly.  I'm mostly reading these to get caught back up on my reading goal. They're easy to read and mostly amusing. Progress: August 2, 2017 – Started Reading August 2, 2017 – page 8 "I was excited to get back to these novels, but less than 10 pages in and Stephanie is hardcore judging a kid for having piercings. COME ON.  This was written in 2008. Let's move on from the 'bad people have tattoos and piercings' stereotypes please. He better turn out to be a stellar kid and she feels bad about judging him." August 4, 2017 – Finished Reading

27. Finger Lickin’ Fifteen (Stephanie Plum #15) - Janet Evanovich, ★★★ I mostly didn't care about the story in this one. It feels like Lula is becoming more of a caricature in every book, which makes me kind of sad. Not everything needs to be so over the top. Not everything needs to catch fire. Relatively anticlimactic ending. Progress: August 4, 2017 – Started Reading August 6, 2017 – Finished Reading

28. Sizzling Sixteen (Stephanie Plum #16) - Janet Evanovich, ★★★ I liked this one a bit more than the last few, it was sort of nice to have Vinnie around again (even though he's pretty terrible). I did notice several spelling and editing errors, which was kind of strange. Progress: August 7, 2017 – Started Reading August 9, 2017 – Finished Reading

29. Smoking Seventeen (Stephanie Plum #17) - Janet Evanovich, ★★★ I'm getting too used to reading Plum novels, and I'm figuring them out too early. Enjoyable enough, though there are a few things that are starting to get on me. Glad she finally hooked up with Ranger again. Real tired of the, "I love two men, isn't that just *ca-raaazyyy*" idea. It's not crazy? You can love two people at a time.  Dave was creepy af. Progress: August 14, 2017 – Started Reading August 16, 2017 – page 144 "Come on Steph, you can connect the dots better than this..." August 16, 2017 – page 286  "Dots finally connected. Took ya long enough." August 16, 2017 – page 300 "She literally just said 'connect the dots to [character], hahahah. I think I've read too many Plum books in a row." August 16, 2017 – Finished Reading

30. The Epic Crush of Genie Lo - F.C. Lee, ★★★★ YESSSSS SOMETHING DIFFERENT. I really hope we get more Genie Lo books, because I would read many more novels of her kicking demon ass. Progress: August 16, 2017 – Started Reading September 4, 2017 – Finished Reading

31. Word By Word: The Secret Life of Dictionaries - Kory Stamper, ★★★★ Even though this took me ages to get through, I really enjoyed it. I've been getting the M-W Word of The Day email for years and was very excited when they announced this book.  It definitely helped me realize that the dictionary is not the final say on English, but just a record of how we use it. The bit on dialect is my favorite (and would have gladly read more about it!), followed closely by the discussion of 'nude'.  I certainly have a better appreciation of dictionaries and lexicographers. Progress: August 16, 2017 – Started Reading   September 21, 2017 – Finished Reading

32. Explosive Eighteen (Stephanie Plum #18) - Janet Evanovich, ★★ While I appreciate the change in narrative structure (slowly presenting information instead of all at once), it's still a Plum novel and feels a little bit out of touch.  Poor Lula deserves more than a caricature characterization. I want to know more about Connie. The love triangle is getting old, mostly because Stephanie is stuck in some pretty outdated notions of how her life is supposed to be.  It could be said that I'm rather liberal, and I'm looking into too much, but Lula can be more than just a former ho. Stop describing her outfits with such disdain. I just... expect more from a book published in 2011. Progress: September 19, 2017 – Started Reading September 27, 2017 – Shelved

33. Little Fires Everywhere - Celeste Ng, ★★★★★ My. Heart.  Ng is a truly gifted storyteller. Though perhaps it feels like a story that has been told before (maybe many stories that have been told before), it's such a nice, solid, slow build. I find myself wondering about the characters, and how their lives played out after the novel ended. Progress: September 1, 2017 – Shelved September 27, 2017 –page 1 "I was the first person in my library to get this and I AM VERY EXCITED" October 3, 2017 – Finished Reading

34. The Dark Prophecy (The Trials of Apollo #2) - Rick Riordan, ★★★★ Though Apollo is super annoying (on purpose, I assume) and there wasn't enough of Nico DiAngelo, my Sweet Baby Death Prince (aka, no appearance and only a single mention), I enjoyed this. I love Leo, and I'm warming up to Calypso. I find Meg very interesting, especially because she doesn't fall into 'girly' stereotypes, SPOILERS also her dealing with the abuse from her stepfather is an important thing for novels to address. However, I'm all about the Waystation. I want an entire series about it, and its inhabitants and the travelers passing through.  And as cheesy as it sounds, my favorite part of all of Riordan's series is how he reps families of all types. <3 Progress: October 3, 2017 – Started Reading October 7, 2017 – Finished Reading

35. Notorious Nineteen (Stephanie Plum #19) - Janet Evanovich, ★★ I know that these are meant to be light reading, but that doesn't mean they can't be better. Stereotypes and problematic behavior (and speech, and expectations...) shouldn't be the norm. Progress October 11, 2017 – Started Reading October 12, 2017 – page 72 "I don't know if I'm just noticing it more, or judging more harshly because this book was written in 2012, but there's a lot of things that are problematic af in this. I've stopped counting the moments of casual racism, but some old dude is groping Stephanie and all that happens is she and Ranger switch seats? Hell. No." October 13, 2017 – page 103 "Threatening someone with a fake rape and groping accusation? Wtaf, Evanovich. That is not okay." October 14, 2017 –page 292 "An Arthur Beasley and a Simon Diggery? Someone finally read Harry Potter." October 14, 2017 – Finished Reading

36. Young Jane Young - Gabrielle Zevin, ★★★★ Though lacking the emotional gut-punch of A.J. Fikry, this was still an excellent novel.  SPOILERS: I think what I really took away from this was the severe inequity between men and women. Jane's career was destroyed completely, while the Senator went on, with barely a blip. Obviously this is very reflective of our society, which is all too apparent these days, and it's one of those things that gets me in the heart.  I know life isn't fair, but damn. Progress: October 14, 2017 – Started Reading October 16, 2017 – Finished Reading

37. Takedown Twenty (Stephanie Plum #20) - Janet Evanovich, ★★★ I don't know why I keep doing this to myself.  This one seemed a little bit less problematic at the beginning, and then just went off the rails with the racist stereotypes and constant slut shaming. Ugh. Progress: October 16, 2017 – Started Reading October 18, 2017 – page 122 "Evanovich really has something against fat people. She points out everyone's weight, and just made a show about how a woman who weighs "upward of 200" has wrists that are too big for regular handcuffs. I call BS." October 20, 2017 - page 210 "For the love of all things holy, STOP SLUT-SHAMING LULA." October 20, 2017 – Finished Reading

38. Warcross (Warcross #1) - Marie Lu, ★★★★ Well hello Marie Lu, why haven't I read your novels before?!  Warcross is like an amalgamation of Ready Player One and Quidditch with the added bonus of POC characters and a female MC (awww yeaaaahhhh). I expected the end, but it's not going to deter me from reading the rest of the series. Progress: October 20, 2017 – Started Reading October 23, 2017 – Finished Reading

39. Sourdough - Robin Sloan, ★★★★ Confession: I love stuff about San Francisco, and this was no exception. It was a little weird and a little magical, very much like the city herself.  Though I guess this technically took place in more than just SF proper. However, the descriptions of Clement St, took me right back there and made me wish I could stop and get some Pad Thai from King of Thai Noodle House #2 and a Genki strawberry and nutella crepe. ::sigh:: Memories.  It also made me want to learn how to bake bread. I think what I enjoy most about Sloan's writing is that I'm not quite sure what I'm about to get into, but I'll believe it when I'm there. Progress: October 23, 2017 – Started Reading October 25, 2017 – page 168 "I think I love Beoreg." October 26, 2017 – Finished Reading

40. La Belle Sauvage (The Book Of Dust #1) - Philip Pullman, ★★★★ I am a HUGE fan of the original trilogy, and I was scared/excited to learn that Pullman was going to return to this world with more novels.  I was not disappointed. A likable new MC (::cough:: UnlikeLyra ::cough::), adventures, mystery, a little bit of terror, and a few hints about Dust!  I likely should have re-read the original trilogy before I read this, but honestly I didn't have the patience. I was the first person in my library to read this copy, and it's a beautiful edition. Progress: October 26, 2017 – Started Reading October 26, 2017 – page 1 "I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS" November 4, 2017 – Finished Reading

41. Voyager (Outlander #3) - Diana Gabaldon, ★★★★ Oh man, what a long read... I found this one much more interesting than the first two, maybe because it was a more complex story. The jumping around of POVs is a bit distracting, as it takes a bit to realize who is talking at the beginning of each bit. But I managed to breeze through this a bit easier than I thought I would, considering how much I struggled through the second one. Bring on more Jamie Fraser, please. Progress: November 5, 2017 – Started Reading November 5, 2017 – page 1 "This book is a long one. o.O Here goes..." November 11, 2017 – page 564 "Was it necessary to give Mr. Willoughby a foot fetish? Really?" November 15, 2017 – Finished Reading

42. Feedback (Newsflesh #4) - Mira Grant, ★★★★ It should be said that I'm a sucker for the Newsflesh series, and would gladly read anything in the canon.  I found this to be a very good addition to the original trilogy. I like that it was way more diverse, with a lot of effort put into those differences (pronoun use!!). I wish I had re-read the trilogy before I read it, it's been a while and I found myself forgetting a lot of little things that had happened. I don't know if it diminished it, but a fresher read would have added a lot more to the story.  I think what I really appreciated is that it sounded different from the Mason's POV. Ash has a different way of forming her thoughts and sentences, and it showed.  What I didn't like so much was the over-explaining (maybe over-defending?) what it meant to be an Irwin, and to some extent a Newsie and Fictional. That might be because I have read the OG trilogy several times and I didn't feel the need to have it explained. Also, not once was Kellis-Amberlee shortened to KA, which seemed odd. This is a world steeped in a disease, and I find it hard to believe that an entire team of bloggers wouldn't shorten it, same with all of the politicians. (I mean, we live in a world with the flu, and does anyone other than doctors call it influenza?) Progress: November 16, 2017 – Started Reading November 22, 2017 – Finished Reading

43. Top Secret Twenty-one (Stephanie Plum #21) - Janet Evanovich, ★★I think I need to stop reading these... Forever disappointed, forever annoyed by the awful stereotypes, fat shaming and repetitive storylines. Progress: November 23, 2017 – Started Reading November 26, 2017 – Finished Reading

44. Exit West - Mohsin Hamid, ★★★★★ A beautifully told story. Some nice, unexpected aspects, sweeping prose that's almost poetic and a very satisfying ending.  Ah, lovely. Progress: November 27, 2017 – Started Reading November 29, 2017 – Finished Reading

45. Bonfire - Krysten Ritter, ★★★★ I definitely picked this up because it's Krysten Ritter, who, in my head will always be Gia Goodman first and Jessica Jones second. And oddly enough, this felt like an amalgamation of Veronica Mars and Jessica Jones, especially in the characterization of Abby.  I ended up liking it a lot more than I thought I would, though it's not anything amazingly new. There are parts that I was less impressed with, but it was a quick read and I hope she writes more. BIG SPOILER AHEAD: I think the characters could have been fleshed out more, I found myself wanting more from Abby, more of her life in Chicago, why she feels the need to drink herself into oblivion to sleep...  A little more in the explanation would have been nice too. It felt to quick and tidy. Not to mention the very obvious 'twist.' IT'S ALWAYS THE GUY YOU CONFESS TO. Ughhhhhhh. Progress: December 4, 2017 – Started Reading December 6, 2017 – Finished Reading

46. Artemis - Andy Weir, ★★ I wanted to like this, I really did, but I found it lacking.  The storyline was good and a little different because moon stuff, but I guess I expected a lot more. I can see why a lot of people love this, and why it's ending up on a lot of 2017 best lists, it just won't be on mine. The following cut isn't really for spoilers, but just to be safe: POSSIBLE SPOILERS: I did appreciate that MC could have been a man or woman and the basic plot wouldn't change (ie the whole thing wasn't based on Jazz being a woman), HOWEVER there were a lot of bits that felt unnecessary and overly 'feminized'. I didn't believe some of her language, and some of her mental wanderings seemed really forced (when I'm in a stressful situation, I don't imagine what the dude next to me looks like while working out... "Hey, I'm a girl, it's allowed", etc). Weir has a section in the acknowledgements about the people who helped him capture a female narrator, and I think they failed him a little bit. Why is everyone overly interested in her sex life? Do people just go around commenting on how many sexual partners you have on the moon, because that's just how 'different' society is? That seems weird AF to me. Jazz gets annoyed, but it's rude and invasive. I think some of it was supposed to play on the tension between her and Svoboda, but it just seemed awkward. Progress: December 6, 2017 – Started Reading December 8, 2017 – page 94 "Struggling to enjoy this. It feels like he's trying really hard to talk like a Woman. Which is unnecessary.  It also feels like it's building up to a hull breach or fire, due to the repeated warnings of fire, and overstating of the double hull. I hope I'm wrong." December 8, 2017 – page 158 ""I was a helpless, exposed girl with no weapon" SERIOUSLY.  You can't write Jazz as a supposed badass, and then pull out that drivel. I expected more." December 8, 2017 – page 178 "That wasn't a good one, it was sexist and gross. Ugh." December 8, 2017 – Finished Reading

47. The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror (Pine Cove #3) - Christopher Moore, ★★★ Not the best of Moore's novels, hardly my favorite, but a fun read for the holidays.  It's a little bit wacky and makes me miss CA. Progress: December 23, 2017 – Started Reading December 26, 2017 – Finished Reading

48. Mrs. Fletcher - Tom Perotta, ★★★ I'm not totally sure how I feel about this novel. I've read Perrotta novels since I was in high school, and I don't think this is one of his strongest.  However there are a few things that were well done: changes of voice and capturing the 'present day'. I'm getting better at reading new novels, but this one in particular felt very *now*. It might feel dated in the future, or, hopefully, serve and example of what life is right now. Well, maybe pre-45, but I digress. It's full of current cultural and social issues, but I sort of felt like I wanted more.  And wasn't a huge fan of the ending. SPOILERS: Thank anything holy that Brendan wasn't a rapist. I thought Perrotta was leaning pretty heavily toward that, and he got dangerously close to assault. Maybe I just wasn't ready to handle it, but it would have made it so much worse. I'm not really sure how we're supposed to view Brendan. Are we supposed to feel bad that he's completely clueless about how to treat women, or are we supposed to dislike him for being totally oblivious?  I will say that a lot of the situations made me think about my own assumptions (I would definitely take the Gender and Society class that Eve took), so there's that. Progress: December 26, 2017 – Started Reading December 28, 2017 – Finished Reading

[samanthasroberts]

The Best Bachelor in Paradise Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 2

Last night in Paradise we finally said goodbye and fuck you to Chad, got to see round 2 of Nick Viall vs. Josh Murray drama, and my ED Evan gaydar scale practically exploded after his professions of “love” for Carly. This show is so unscriptedly (not a word? Idc) amazing that ‘paradise’ actually refers to how I feel sitting on my couch watching these losers talk mad shit about each other. So WTF went down last night?

The Chad Breakdown Continues

Chad is definitely still wasted from last night, and Chris Harrison is def just pissed he has to interrupt his robe-lounging to deal with this. “It’s worth it for the **ratings**” – Probably a post-it on Chris Harrison’s mini bar.

Chris Harrison:Where are you going??? Chad: I dont know, Tijuana or something.

Then Leah comes and I’m pretty sure all of America/Bachelor Nation is like, Leah who?

….mmm nope.

Of COURSE she comes on the show and is looking for Chad. Could it BE any more staged???

– Leah talking about Chad / me talking about my dog

said no one ever, until Leah

Okay just had a flashback to Leah throwing Lauren B under the bus. Classy chick! However she does look like Mena Suvari in American Beauty when she cries.

Nick / Leah / Amanda Triangle

Leah gives up on the Chad situation and moves onto her next target, slick Nick.

Nick:– Nick prior to running a controlled empirical study on Leah.

Nick: Thanks for asking me on this date Leah: Thanks for coming …Can you say chemistry??

Leah:– that’s what she said.

Leah:I’m very confident when I say I think I have a lot of qualities that you’re looking for Nick:I really appreciate what you’re saying. I actually think I’m leaning towards Amanda k thx bai.

Nick decides he’s just not that into Leah (probably either her lip injections or her fragrance of desperation, tbd) and moves onto Amanda, mother of 2.

Nick: I love fires and sitting near them Amanda: I love lamp

“No child left behind” – Not Amanda’s parenting philosophy.

Carly and Evan

Evan gets a date card and asks Carly and I literally don’t think I’ve ever seen someone want to cry more after getting a date.

– Evan sounds like the 40 year old virgin describing boobs like bags of sand.

“Evan does give me erectile dysfunction” – An amazing quote that I can’t believe we didn’t think of first

Carly: My brother told me I have to stop dating feminine men…like my first boyfriend now has a boyfriend. And now this again. – Looks like somebody’s got a type!

Carly and Evan have completely opposite reactions to the jabanero kiss:

Evan: My mouth is on fire and I don’t know if it’s the pepper or from kissing Carly.

Carly: I vommitted…and it’s not just from the pepper.

Josh Murray vs. Nick

So before we get into the ancient epic battle between Josh and Nick (more epic than the Sunni-Shiite conflict I can assure you), we feel it’s our duty to reveal what Andi Dorfman wrote about him in her amazing/scandalous tell-all. Basically, according to her (but also like, def true), he was seriously emotionally abusive towards her in all our favorite ways – accusing her of cheating, not letting her spend time with her besties, stalking her social media for signs of other guys, having humil screaming matches in public…you really have to read it to get the full effect. (We’re not even getting paid to say that!!)

Josh on Andi: We were just like, very different in a lot of ways. – He is obviously very pissed about this book.

The Bachelor producers LOVE fucking with Nick Viall’s emotions. Third time still not a charm.

Amanda should’ve stayed with Nick.

Other Miscellanous Lameness

– Daniel

Lace was sadly very uninteresting last night except her eyelash extensions, which are malfunctioning.

Emily’s idea of sexy small talk is unreal:

Emily: What are you thinking about? Jared: Paradise…

Jared is obviously conflicted about hooking up with Emily, like he’s not into her clearly but he doesn’t want to get kicked off. It’s muy interesante how whenever the guys have the roses the girls whore themselves out, and when the girls have the roses the guys pretend to have feelings. Feminist AF.

Week Two Night Two

Second week of paradise, second night of the week that I have to watch the same show for reasons unknown.

This episode starts with Josh and Amanda incessantly making out in front of everyone, while making meerkat noises.

Nick is obviously displeased so he continues to workout on the beach while taking breaks to shed a tear.

Daniel is unhappy because theres a new guy in Paradise who is about to take his love interest awayChristian. I literally do not remember him but apparently Sarah is super into the guy. All we know is that hes really fucking smiley… like hes about to pull out Jamaican steel drums and serenade everyone on the beach.

Daniel yeah or just Canadian.

Meanwhile ED Evan cant shut the fuck up about his date with Carly. Vinny: Wow kissed for a minute and 46 seconds. Evan: 41 seconds! It was like butterfly explosions.

Carly has the talk with Evan where she breaks up with him even though all they did was go on one awful date together. If Carly were a guy she would like never talk to him, ignore him, and then hook up with someone else in front of him.

Now that Evan is my ex-boyfriend Carly.

Enter new guy Brendan. Even Chris Harrison doesnt know who Brendan is (even though Chris Harrison definitely knows who he is and that scene was literally more scripted than a fight on ). Carly falls in love at first sight but doesnt realize that Brendan is dumber than anyone who has ever been on this television show. Brendan picks Haley (or Emily?) on his date.

This time Im doing a bad job in paradise. Like Last time I did a really bad job in paradise but this time Im doing like a worse job. Carly

Before her sisters date Emily drinks a beer and gets wasted which was THE BEST part of this entire episode.

My best friend is going on a date and like now that shes engaged Im so happy. I didnt mean to get like this!! Someone please give her more alcohol.

Brendan and Haleys date was the most absurd thing Ive ever seen. I want to find a woman who wants to give 110% HE IS Brendan Frasier in .

Why would Brendan even notice that the twins switched on him? I could barely tell the difference? But also like, he is giving this like loving we have a connection speech that I promise he would have given to any girl he would have picked. (But apparently not Carly).

Back at the house, because Daniel was supes jealous of Sarah and Christians new connection he makes a little mini date on a daybed for them.

Daniel: I’m an eagle and this eagle knows what he wants.

Sarah: I Just want to be appreciated for who I am and respect who I am. Daniel: Samesies. I hate it when people don’t respect me. Flashback to Daniel one episode ago: I was looking for some good looking girls so far I’m not impressed. Nothing I’d touch, maybe the one blonde girl if I had a couple of drinks in me. So far these are poodles and yorkies and washed up street dogs. I’d have to be white girl wasted to fuck them.

Sarah: DAMN DANIEL!

Sarah refers to Daniel as the goofy one who is weird and kinda dumb but makes her laugh. Can we all agree that Daniel IS Canadian Joey Tribbiani?

Daniel, Romance Expert.

PS Why are all the couples, the self proclaimed sexy six, all making out together in one bed and not like, alone? What is this, the junior prom limo!?

Then the best thing to ever happen on this show happens. Evan self implodes.

The producers first convince him not to leave. Then they somehow manipulate him into thinking that the girl he has the best chance with is Amanda, yes, the one Josh is about to engulf.

Either I was like really high or this was SOOOO funny but watching Evan write a sad handwritten note to himself was probably the best television of life.

Then he pumps himself up by calling himself by his full name. YOURE FRICKIN EVAN BASS .. however I am pretty sure he meant it in the sense that like, he is like related to Chuck Bass and thats what makes him cool. Yes I fully believe Evan watches .

Then the producers convince him to walk up to Amanda and Josh while theyre hooking up to ask Amanda out. Whether this was scripted or not, this was good. The other reason for him doing this was his chance to get closer to Josh. Think about it, Chad was pretty hot and Evan loved stirring the pot with him on . Now he wants to get steamy with Josh. I can see that exciting little Evan. Aka Ogie from the movie (obscure but like, so accurate).

Don’t do it Evan, this will end poorly!! – all of America.

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2),a.prevBody{display:none;}

Source: http://allofbeer.com/the-best-bachelor-in-paradise-recap-youll-ever-read-week-2/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2018/09/30/the-best-bachelor-in-paradise-recap-youll-ever-read-week-2/

[adambstingus]

The Best Bachelor in Paradise Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 2

Last night in Paradise we finally said goodbye and fuck you to Chad, got to see round 2 of Nick Viall vs. Josh Murray drama, and my ED Evan gaydar scale practically exploded after his professions of “love” for Carly. This show is so unscriptedly (not a word? Idc) amazing that ‘paradise’ actually refers to how I feel sitting on my couch watching these losers talk mad shit about each other. So WTF went down last night?

The Chad Breakdown Continues

Chad is definitely still wasted from last night, and Chris Harrison is def just pissed he has to interrupt his robe-lounging to deal with this. “It’s worth it for the **ratings**” – Probably a post-it on Chris Harrison’s mini bar.

Chris Harrison:Where are you going??? Chad: I dont know, Tijuana or something.

Then Leah comes and I’m pretty sure all of America/Bachelor Nation is like, Leah who?

….mmm nope.

Of COURSE she comes on the show and is looking for Chad. Could it BE any more staged???

– Leah talking about Chad / me talking about my dog

said no one ever, until Leah

Okay just had a flashback to Leah throwing Lauren B under the bus. Classy chick! However she does look like Mena Suvari in American Beauty when she cries.

Nick / Leah / Amanda Triangle

Leah gives up on the Chad situation and moves onto her next target, slick Nick.

Nick:– Nick prior to running a controlled empirical study on Leah.

Nick: Thanks for asking me on this date Leah: Thanks for coming …Can you say chemistry??

Leah:– that’s what she said.

Leah:I’m very confident when I say I think I have a lot of qualities that you’re looking for Nick:I really appreciate what you’re saying. I actually think I’m leaning towards Amanda k thx bai.

Nick decides he’s just not that into Leah (probably either her lip injections or her fragrance of desperation, tbd) and moves onto Amanda, mother of 2.

Nick: I love fires and sitting near them Amanda: I love lamp

“No child left behind” – Not Amanda’s parenting philosophy.

Carly and Evan

Evan gets a date card and asks Carly and I literally don’t think I’ve ever seen someone want to cry more after getting a date.

– Evan sounds like the 40 year old virgin describing boobs like bags of sand.

“Evan does give me erectile dysfunction” – An amazing quote that I can’t believe we didn’t think of first

Carly: My brother told me I have to stop dating feminine men…like my first boyfriend now has a boyfriend. And now this again. – Looks like somebody’s got a type!

Carly and Evan have completely opposite reactions to the jabanero kiss:

Evan: My mouth is on fire and I don’t know if it’s the pepper or from kissing Carly.

Carly: I vommitted…and it’s not just from the pepper.

Josh Murray vs. Nick

So before we get into the ancient epic battle between Josh and Nick (more epic than the Sunni-Shiite conflict I can assure you), we feel it’s our duty to reveal what Andi Dorfman wrote about him in her amazing/scandalous tell-all. Basically, according to her (but also like, def true), he was seriously emotionally abusive towards her in all our favorite ways – accusing her of cheating, not letting her spend time with her besties, stalking her social media for signs of other guys, having humil screaming matches in public…you really have to read it to get the full effect. (We’re not even getting paid to say that!!)

Josh on Andi: We were just like, very different in a lot of ways. – He is obviously very pissed about this book.

The Bachelor producers LOVE fucking with Nick Viall’s emotions. Third time still not a charm.

Amanda should’ve stayed with Nick.

Other Miscellanous Lameness

– Daniel

Lace was sadly very uninteresting last night except her eyelash extensions, which are malfunctioning.

Emily’s idea of sexy small talk is unreal:

Emily: What are you thinking about? Jared: Paradise…

Jared is obviously conflicted about hooking up with Emily, like he’s not into her clearly but he doesn’t want to get kicked off. It’s muy interesante how whenever the guys have the roses the girls whore themselves out, and when the girls have the roses the guys pretend to have feelings. Feminist AF.

Week Two Night Two

Second week of paradise, second night of the week that I have to watch the same show for reasons unknown.

This episode starts with Josh and Amanda incessantly making out in front of everyone, while making meerkat noises.

Nick is obviously displeased so he continues to workout on the beach while taking breaks to shed a tear.

Daniel is unhappy because theres a new guy in Paradise who is about to take his love interest awayChristian. I literally do not remember him but apparently Sarah is super into the guy. All we know is that hes really fucking smiley… like hes about to pull out Jamaican steel drums and serenade everyone on the beach.

Daniel yeah or just Canadian.

Meanwhile ED Evan cant shut the fuck up about his date with Carly. Vinny: Wow kissed for a minute and 46 seconds. Evan: 41 seconds! It was like butterfly explosions.

Carly has the talk with Evan where she breaks up with him even though all they did was go on one awful date together. If Carly were a guy she would like never talk to him, ignore him, and then hook up with someone else in front of him.

Now that Evan is my ex-boyfriend Carly.

Enter new guy Brendan. Even Chris Harrison doesnt know who Brendan is (even though Chris Harrison definitely knows who he is and that scene was literally more scripted than a fight on ). Carly falls in love at first sight but doesnt realize that Brendan is dumber than anyone who has ever been on this television show. Brendan picks Haley (or Emily?) on his date.

This time Im doing a bad job in paradise. Like Last time I did a really bad job in paradise but this time Im doing like a worse job. Carly

Before her sisters date Emily drinks a beer and gets wasted which was THE BEST part of this entire episode.

My best friend is going on a date and like now that shes engaged Im so happy. I didnt mean to get like this!! Someone please give her more alcohol.

Brendan and Haleys date was the most absurd thing Ive ever seen. I want to find a woman who wants to give 110% HE IS Brendan Frasier in .

Why would Brendan even notice that the twins switched on him? I could barely tell the difference? But also like, he is giving this like loving we have a connection speech that I promise he would have given to any girl he would have picked. (But apparently not Carly).

Back at the house, because Daniel was supes jealous of Sarah and Christians new connection he makes a little mini date on a daybed for them.

Daniel: I’m an eagle and this eagle knows what he wants.

Sarah: I Just want to be appreciated for who I am and respect who I am. Daniel: Samesies. I hate it when people don’t respect me. Flashback to Daniel one episode ago: I was looking for some good looking girls so far I’m not impressed. Nothing I’d touch, maybe the one blonde girl if I had a couple of drinks in me. So far these are poodles and yorkies and washed up street dogs. I’d have to be white girl wasted to fuck them.

Sarah: DAMN DANIEL!

Sarah refers to Daniel as the goofy one who is weird and kinda dumb but makes her laugh. Can we all agree that Daniel IS Canadian Joey Tribbiani?

Daniel, Romance Expert.

PS Why are all the couples, the self proclaimed sexy six, all making out together in one bed and not like, alone? What is this, the junior prom limo!?

Then the best thing to ever happen on this show happens. Evan self implodes.

The producers first convince him not to leave. Then they somehow manipulate him into thinking that the girl he has the best chance with is Amanda, yes, the one Josh is about to engulf.

Either I was like really high or this was SOOOO funny but watching Evan write a sad handwritten note to himself was probably the best television of life.

Then he pumps himself up by calling himself by his full name. YOURE FRICKIN EVAN BASS .. however I am pretty sure he meant it in the sense that like, he is like related to Chuck Bass and thats what makes him cool. Yes I fully believe Evan watches .

Then the producers convince him to walk up to Amanda and Josh while theyre hooking up to ask Amanda out. Whether this was scripted or not, this was good. The other reason for him doing this was his chance to get closer to Josh. Think about it, Chad was pretty hot and Evan loved stirring the pot with him on . Now he wants to get steamy with Josh. I can see that exciting little Evan. Aka Ogie from the movie (obscure but like, so accurate).

Don’t do it Evan, this will end poorly!! – all of America.

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from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/the-best-bachelor-in-paradise-recap-youll-ever-read-week-2/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/178602825797

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Vincent Price as Dr. Erasmus Craven

The Raven (1963) dir. Roger Corman

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Vincent Price guest stars as Dr. Jarvis Pym

Get Smart; Is This Trip Necessary? (1969)

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Vincent Price and Boris Karloff guest stars

Red Skelton Hour; He Who Steals My Robot Steals Trash (1967)