#and trying to balance things like required classes to graduate and internships has really messed with me

[ink-the-squid-gremlin]

‼️WARNING! Brief mention of mental health issues‼️

Just making a quick post about my absence as of late. College has been really draining since it’s getting close to the end of the semester and my mental health has taken a bit of a decline. I apologize if you have reached out to me lately and I just haven’t responded. Im just really stressed right now and have a lot thoughts going on in my head right now (both good and bad thoughts) I promise I’ll get back to posting again/talking to you all again soon, I’m just handling a lot of stress right now.

[awesomegaydar-a]

meta: santana + school/academics

always  accepting  //  send  me  meta  to  talk  about !

again,  talking about a topic that glee unfortunate never tackled correctly is difficult . in the show, they make santana seem more driven towards her future as a hollywood star than in her academic performance , however contradictory her approach towards both ends of the career spectrum was. in 3x12 the spanish teacher, santana is very clear to will about her view of her academic life: “this is my education and its not a joke to me although it seems to be one for you”, before she criticizes him for perpetuating stereotypes not actually knowing enough spanish to teach a class properly. later, in 3x16, schue and sue team up to lead santana, mercedes, and finn in the right direction. santana makes her peers believe that she “wants to be a star�� and doesn’t wanna go to college, though later she receives an acceptance letter to the university of kentucky with a cheerleading scholarship. she’s happy to accept, naturally.

unfortunately, this blog is canon divergent, and as someone who has played santana for so long, i refuse to believe she’s anything but ambitious and fierce. that girl always has a plan. if she can craft schemes with multiple steps, angles, and possible outcomes to mess with the heads of her peers, she definitely has a plan to get out of lima, and its not just an envelope full of cash her mother could’ve used to buy a lexus convertible.

one : general  academics

no one’s academic performance except mike and quinn’s are really talked about in depth in the show. we know mike is an A+ student and quinn has a 4.0 GPA, but what about santana? clearly she needs at least a B average to be in the cheerios, especially captain of the cheer leading squad. though, i’m not gonna pander to my preferences and say santana was top of her class, i will say she was probably somewhere in the top five, perhaps third, after mike or quinn. she’s smart, she’s cunning, she goes after what she wants, and she’s always known that her best bet to get out of lima is her education.

she was always good at almost everything, she liked to read (though not always things from her high school reading list), but like any other high school student, she excelled in some areas and struggled in others.

math was her strong suit. she was taking advanced math classes with mike and quinn since the 10th grade. it always came easy to her. literature, she enjoyed, so it wasn’t hard for her, it came naturally. in the sciences, it would depend on the subject in hand. physics she could handle, it was just a bunch of math applied in a different field. chemistry and biology were a little harder, probably because of her general disinterest in the subject. her dad always encouraged her to like science, it was only natural from a father who practiced medicine for a living, but it was never her forte. she got A’s, but she only took honors physics and settled for regular chemistry and biology classes.

spanish classes were a joke. she could sleep through mr. schuester trying to conjugate verbs and form sentences, she knew more spanish than him anyway. she never had to study for that class. it was the easiest A+ she ever received in high school. if she could’ve taken advanced spanish classes in william mckinley, she probably would have, just to boost her GPA.

the times she didn’t study (like when she stayed up past curfew after attending a party or school events, or putting cheerleading competitions over her tests) she would get B’s. she wasn’t a perfect student, no. not pristine like quinn, who probably got A’s in everything she ever did, but she was good. smart. thriving.

two : extracurricular  activities

in primary school and middle school it was ballet and gymnastics. it was fine to play soccer when she was a little girl, because when children are young they don’t make fun of each other for the sports they play. she kicked ass at it, but never wanted to be a varsity soccer player. she wanted kickboxing, but her dad never offered to enroll her in a martial arts class until she was already signed up for the cheerios, at which point, she was far too busy running drills in cheer camp to care about it anymore. besides, cheer leading was as good as any other sport, sometimes even more exhausting.

it wasn’t just about core strength (holding the other team members up in a lift) or balance (trying not to fall from the top of the cheer pyramid), it was about flexibility and mobility, about committing to something that would not only bring her the popularity she wanted, but being a part of something, even if it meant serving the tyrant sue sylvester. the fact that she was never clumsy also helped. it was almost like gymnastics with the volume turned up.

glee club didn’t come until sophomore year, obviously. she never thought about joining it, especially not with sandy ryerson as the vocal coach, who not only was a little too touchy and inappropriate with the students, but he always smelled like pot and was never interested in the club in the first place. she’s pretty sure puck used to get his chronic lady from him under the bleachers once a week. he never said anything when he found them sharing a pipe after hours, and she never said anything about him selling medicinal marijuana to the students, but it wasn’t a surprise when he was fired either. he was weird and glee club was for losers, burnouts, and wannabes, and santana was on top of the social food chain.

during her senior year, she contemplated starting a GSA, knowing her fellow glee clubbers and some of the cheerios would be down for joining, but putting that amount of pressure on herself withdrew her from trying to take that huge step. brittany was president, which was a step in the right direction, but knowing the town they lived in and the school she went to, there was no way a gay straight alliance was gonna fly in mckinley.

three : college  applications, requirements, and  college  life

santana has always wanted to be powerful, she likes the spotlight and she likes the attention. most importantly, she wanted to go somewhere in life, she wanted to prove to everybody that she wasn’t all bark and no bite. she applied for three universities to enroll in the fall after her senior year: cornell, nyu, and pace university (her safety school). she thought about checking out west, ucla and san diego, but ultimately she saw a brighter future in new york than she did in california. what really wowed was her essay, on a life changing experience -- she poured her soul and heart into talking about coming out in a midwestern town with the pressure of being socially accepted among homophobes and racists. she talked about glee club, and how it changed her life (that would also cater to show her other talents apart from her good grades), how she became a better person because of it. of course, a 1950 on her SAT’s and a 3.9 GPA never hurt anyone.

college was always a big thing in her family -- her dad was a stanford graduate, and although realistically, doctor lopez would’ve loved for santana to pursue med school as well, santana never saw her future behind the boring, white walls of a hospital. she wanted to live, and sacrificing her life for the sleepless hours of med school and internships and residencies would never fulfill her. she took the public relations program as her major with a minor in communications to become a publicist and crisis manager.

despite the amount of time it required for her to graduate top of her class, she took a small job on the side, singing in lounge bars and weddings to pay for extra commodities aside from the money her dad sent her every month to cover rent and general expenses.

[things-un-spoken]

4/9/18

I’m writing this not really knowing where it’s going to go. I have lots of homework to do and I’m procrastinating as always, but I feel like I need to write. and cry. and write more. and listen to sad music. I’m such a weird person. 

I’m 23 now. and I really am starting to feel 23. I’m dating Marisa, who has two kids (5 & 6) and although we don’t see them all the time, I’m still a parent when we do see them. I pay all my own bills except for my phone bill (thanks Dad). I’m almost 2 years into my grad counseling program, and this coming August I will officially begin my internship at a substance use facility in Tampa. 

I can feel myself maturing in a lot of ways. I am less dependent of a person - I am coming into who I am going to be. however, there’s still this big empty gap in me, especially when I am alone. I can feel it gaping; I can feel myself reaching for something to fill the void. sex, food, anything that I can focus on to temporarily distract me from this empty feeling. is this something that is always going to be there? I’ve learned that relationships cannot fill the void. they make it a little smaller, as do friendships, but nothing takes away the emptiness I feel when I am alone. 

I am thankful for Marisa. I am thankful for her independence and her unwillingness to tolerate my dependency and codependency. I know this next year is going to be so busy and so important for my career, and with anyone else I’d be scared that my relationship would crumble. I know Marisa will be there though. And she will be understanding of my time. She will support me in the ways she knows how, even if at times I don’t feel like it’s enough. 

I am also thankful for my mom, who is now sober (due to some medical issues), and with whom I have a much better relationship with now. although I couldn’t talk to her about the deep dark things I have going on, I can talk to her about my day to day stressors and joys. I am thankful for my therapist, who helped me come to terms with my codependency, and who recommended that I attend an al-anon support group, which has been fantastic and eye-opening. she has provided me with a safe space to spill my thoughts, no matter how messy. my two closest friends at this point, JJ & Mason (formerly Marisa), have also proved surprisingly unwavering when I have let my crazy out to them. 

there’s a part of me that just will not let myself completely tear the walls down with people. my therapist is the closest person I’ve come to completely letting my walls down with, but I can’t even let go all the way. I feel safe with JJ and Mason and have shared a lot with them, but there is still something that prevents me from becoming completely vulnerable. maybe that is contributing to the void. I just don’t know how to tear it down. I’m there but I’m not there. I don’t know. 

I don’t feel overwhelmed with depression or anxiety. I have some sad days when I feel grey but overall I just feel disengaged. I am going through the motions of life with some success and from an outside perspective I’ve got a lot going for me. 

here are things I am happy about:

I am two years done with my graduate program & have one to go before I graduate and can really help people

I am in a relationship with a woman who is patient, low maintenance, and genuinely kind

I have a job I don’t hate as a server, and have good relationships with the people I work with

I have a developing relationship with my mom

I have one really good friend (JJ) who I know I can always confide in and who will always be there for me

I am helping to raise and create a good life for two really good kids

I have two cats who I absolutely adore 

I am working out a good amount which increases my confidence 

I am getting good at playing with makeup and feel confident in how I look with and without it

here are things I am stressed about:

money & the crazy amounts of loans I have to pay back upon graduation

eventually moving in with Marisa and having her kids more frequently

getting a full time job when Marisa only works full time & not being able to balance our schedules with our time together

my “void” & my tendency to reach out for temporary sexual relationships with people who are no good for me - or reach out for unhealthy food

my brother connor who is failing classes, smoking and selling weed, taking antidepressants, and refusing to talk to a therapist

my dad who I feel like could die any day due to bad health, and with whom I barely have any relationship 

my weight

my mom, who is handicapped, and almost never gets out of the house. I know she is depressed but trying to make the most of the situation

also here are some updates since I haven’t posted in almost two years:

I broke up with Emily pretty shortly after graduating in May 2016. We moved in together to an apartment downtown (which I LOVED) but I knew I was going to end it with her. while I was living there, I was talking to DJ and messing around with her, and I even slept with a guy from work in our bed one night when Emily was with family. we broke up while we were sitting at the pool one night. I think we both knew it was over, but we had to decide about logistics. how we were going to handle terminating the lease, and what to tell our friends, etc. It was uncomfortable, and she was justifiably mad. it was primarily one-sided. she still texted me from time to time for a while, but I haven’t heard from her in probably six months by this point. 

slept with a server at work who also trained me. he was incredibly attractive and I knew it would be a one night stand. he gave me herpes. I cut myself for the first time in a long time when I found out the news (and I haven't cut since). I had to tell marisa before we slept together, and thankfully she was very understanding. I did some research on herpes and found out that it was more common than I thought, and also treatable (but not curable). I haven’t had another outbreak since when I found out in August 2016, and as far as I know I have not passed it to Marisa. 

I started my grad program for counseling in august 2016. It’s been an amazing journey and I’ve learned sooooooo much, including things about myself. I am looking forward to being done but I am really going to miss this progress and the people it has led me to meet. 

I started dating marisa. we slept together a lot before we made it official in November 2016. she had some issues with being loyal early in our relationship. It has come a long way since then. I genuinely love her and for the most part trust her. we are required to have a more mature relationship because her kids are involved. she has been through a lot of shit, including both of her adoptive parents dying and being in two abusive marriages. she’s a tough cookie and I admire her a lot. 

my mom got really sick december of 2016. she was in hospitals for 3 or so months, detoxing and having hallucinations, etc. she was sober during this whole time. my dad blamed her sickness on a medication she was taking, but my parents denied her alcohol use to all her doctors. one night I was in the hospital over christmas time, and i took her doctor aside privately and told him about the alcohol use. he thanked me and said it was probably wernike’s enchephalopathy that they were seeing. my mom eventually got out of the hosptial, but seems to be permanently handicapped. can’t walk, has trouble speaking, but still is pretty mentally stable. I worry about her lonliness though. 

2017 was a pretty stable year. I focused mainly on school and work. Marisa and I had our ups and downs but overall stablized a lot. we celebrated our one year November 2017. we also met two really great brazilian friends who we spent a lot of time exploring with, but who moved back to brazil :( we still keep in contact as much as possible and hopefully we will be visiting them in a few months. 

I got to have my pre-practicum experience at a residental adolescent campus for teens with s/a problems. man, was that rewarding. I developed a love for working with adolescents and I hope I can work with them again one day. 

i began therapy once again and began attending an al-anon support group in town. I did a ton of work on myself both through therapy and classes at school. I have grown immeasurably this past year. I’ve developed so much more self-awareness & have learned new coping skills. 

marisa and i got to spend christmas with my family and her two kids. it was nothing short of amazing. the kids had a blast, my family was notably happier than previous years and everything worked out about as perfectly as it could have. we rented a car and drove both ways, which was tough, but a worthwhile experience. my parents really love the kids, and I know they will be sad if Marisa and I ever break up. my brothers also loved and bonded with the kids. it really was an amazing week and I hope we can do it again because everyone was so incredibly happy. 

it’s now 4 months into 2018 and things are going pretty well. marisa and I are a little distant but we are stable. her kids have really warmed up to me and even tell me they love me. I’m very settled into the routine of work and continue to make new friends there as new people start. I am over the weirdness with the guy who gave me herpes. JJ and I are very close and I really appreciate that relationship. I will begin my next prepracticum at a domestic violence shelter in a few weeks, then in august I will begin my real practicum. I hope this year continues to go well.