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[things-un-spoken]

everything hurts. and I did this to myself once again. my heart feels like its being broken, and he was never mine to even give me a broken heart. I haven’t kept up on this thing and I don’t feel like going through the entire update right now but let’s just say I’ve fucked myself over again with the cheating and this time it really really hurts. 

I let myself get far too deep in this one. I’m not in love with him but I could be. but I still love marisa, and I don’t want to end things with her. 

there are probably red flags with stephen that I am too encapsulated in him to see. he makes me feel like shit often but at the same time makes me feel like the most beautiful, amazing person. he tears my heart apart and puts it back together. how did I give him this much power? no one should have this much power over me. my feelings should not be so vulnerable to the control of another. there’s just something about him that I can’t shake. like he’s clinging onto my bones and I’d have to tear myself apart to get him out. 

a few weeks ago we made the “official” decision that there would be nothing but friendship between us anymore. last night was the first time I’d seen him since we made that decision and it was weird. I thought I was ready but I wasn’t entirely ready. I spent the last week or so separating myself from him in my head. doing what I needed to do to not view him in “that way” anymore. I was at a good point, because I even considered not going to his house at all and wasn’t upset by the thought. but I decided to go anyway. honestly, it was okay. I didn’t sit near him, didn’t spend much time looking at him, etc. what got me was this girl that was there. she was really sweet, really pretty, honestly I liked her. but I could sense he did too. I think there’s some history with this girl and stephen and I’m not sure what’s keeping them apart. but there was something between them and I think it was there before he and I even met. so yeah, it hurt me a little to see the chemistry between them. I wasn’t mad, didn’t harbor resentment, but I did feel hurt. but overall, I did okay. I said goodbye without being too upset or wanting to linger too much, and I went home. 

but I woke up to a text from him asking if I “at least had a little fun.” and from there we got into an argument that ended up breaking me down. stephen does this thing where he tells people what he thinks they need to hear and gets mad when people “can’t take it” and get offended. it’s always bothered me but I’ve never had the emotional distance to be able to voice how I feel about it. so I finally did, and he of course didn’t respond well. we ended everything by deciding it’d be a good idea not to talk for a while until we had processed everything. I know that’s the right thing to do, but I’m still really broken up. I woke up feeling guilty for being mean, but looking over my texts, I don’t know that I was mean. I was just finally honest. there’s this part of me that wants to text him and smooth everything over, but I know that’s a bad idea. I think I just need to let him go, completely. stop thinking there will ever be a chance. stop thinking that he could be right for me. although he makes me feel like sunshine, he also makes me feel like mud. I often feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him and that’s a feeling I vowed to myself that I would never put myself through again. I think I need to step back and get some perspective on all of this, because there are probably a lot of signs showing that I shouldn’t be with him, no matter how badly I want to be. 

I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I would rather feel neutral with marisa than in pain with stephen. he makes me feel like I’m taking a drug, where the high is incredible but the come down is equivalently shitty. 

although i know he is coming from a place of compassion when he is “honest with me” about what he thinks I should or shouldn’t be doing, it hurts. he makes me feel like a shit person becaue I can’t “take it.” well, I’m sorry stephen, but if that means we can’t be together, then we can’t be together. I don’t want to be with someone who can’t accept that the way he says things hurt people. he doesn’t want to change the way he communicates and instead will continue to blame others for the way they respond. dear stephen, you do not know what is best for me. you are not all-knowing, you have not lived my life, and you do not have a right to assert your judgment in the way that you do. you also do not have a right to make me feel like shit because I cannot accept your criticism. you’re taking the easy way out. instead of figuring out how you can better help people by changing the way you communicate, you would rather project the blame elsewhere. it’s easy to be blatantly honest, harsh, and not filter your words. It’s hard to actually treat someone like they have feelings, histories, sensitivities and shape your language to meet them where they are. that takes sincere effort, and maybe you’re just not willing to put that effort in. if you really cared about people as you say you do, then you would figure out what they need on an individual basis in order to recieve your help. I will not tolerate being talked down to, patronized or criticized. should you choose to reword your advice to me, I promise to be more receptive to it. 

my default seems to be to get mad at stephen in order for me to push my romantic feelings about him to the side. I don’t think that is the best way for me to go about this, but maybe it’s a starting point. I’m going to give it time. and it’s gonna hurt like hell. and it’s going to ebb and flow between pain, anger, and neutrality. but I will get there. I will get there. 

when going through something painful:

let it hurt, let it bleed, let it go

and something you taught me, stephen:

do the hard thing. 

[things-un-spoken]

dear stephen

Shall I write it in a letter? Shall I try to get it down? Oh, you fill my head with pieces Of a song I can't get out Can I be close to you? (bloom – the paper kites * is what I’m listening to right now)

I just want to forewarn you, what you’re about to read is going to be 100% truth. I won’t filter anything to protect your feelings, because I think it’s important that I’m transparent with you. I definitely owe you that. I don’t exactly know what I intend to write in this, but my goal is that you have a better understanding of me, and if not me, at least some of the things that go on in my head. Hopefully by the end of all of this rambling I will have expressed some semblance of an idea of how I’m feeling in this situation the two of us are in, but honestly I’m just going to write freely and see where it takes me. I just ask that you read this at a time where you’ve got nothing more pressing to do, and can take some time to process. I’m going to feel really vulnerable sending this to you, but it’ll make me feel better to know you’re in a mental space to be able to really receive it.

And still, I wait For total pitch, or clarity. Spinning straight Through crushing heat and cool release. And I’ll be here To watch the passing of the days, Not calm, not clear, Just time to settle in my ways. (heat and dark – luca fogale*)

For the past couple months that I’ve known you I’ve felt this dull but consistent discomfort within me. I haven’t been able to figure out why. It’s like you exposed some part of me that had previously been dormant…but I couldn’t tell you how or why or even exactly what this part is. I’ve done a lot of thinking in circles and talking things through with myself but have come up with no conclusions. How strange for someone who always has the answers to be grappling at nothing.

Do you know what I think a part of it is? I’ve never been with someone who I could be completely myself with. No one has been able to handle all of who I am. No one has even wanted to try to understand who I am, maybe because they are intimidated, maybe because they just don’t care. I’ve tried to let people in, but no one wants in. They all want what I present on the outside: chill, goofy, helpful, sweet, Sam. And although those are certainly pieces of my identity, they do not make me up entirely.

(we move lightly – dustin o’halloran *)

I can be intense, moody, inquisitive, distant, cold, brooding, pensive. I can shut people out at the drop of a hat. But I can also be warm, soft, and welcoming, just as quickly. I like dark music, dark art, dark writing. I also like all of those things in their lighter forms. My mood at 10am will likely be drastically different at 10pm.

I feel very, very deeply.

I can go to a museum and stare at a painting for an hour. I can close my eyes and listen to the ocean until I completely lose track of time. I tend to get very absorbed in things. One time I accidentally hit a squirrel while driving and I couldn’t stop crying. In fact, I’m moved to tears in many mundane situations. I cringe when I see people litter. I can get lost in the woods alone and be perfectly content. Sometimes certain movies and T.V shows are too violent or overwhelming for me to watch. I overthink almost everything, especially things that are important to me. I spend large amounts of time thinking about strangers’ stories. I have a guilty conscience but am good at living in denial. I will help almost anyone before I will help myself, which often plays to my detriment. My body aches when I hear of injustice. I live life very vividly, and most people cannot comprehend that. I heal others. I hurt others. Most often myself.

I've looked a long time to find you I drifted through the universe, just to lay Beside you Anywhere you want me to take you, I'll go But there's things about me that you just don't know If I told you where I've been Would you still call me baby? (dark star [acoustic] – jaymes young*)

Sometimes, when I get deep into my relationships, I feel these pieces of me that’ve been repressed start to seep out. Sometimes, I try to reel them back in, and sometimes I’ll let them out; testing the waters. I have been in relationships where those parts of me have been tolerated, but still pushed to the side. People choose the parts of me that they need in that moment, and I let them.

It’s like every relationship I’m in is a reminder that who I am is too much for someone else to hold. So I hold myself… and I hide away those parts of me in hopes that someday the person I’m with will love me for those exact qualities that I keep hidden.

I’m walking around as a shell of my whole self. I’m desperately hoping to find someone who will not only yearn to understand me, but who won’t negate those parts of me.  

I want someone to ask me where I am when I get lost in my thoughts, instead of calling me “spacey.” I want someone to ask how they can help when I’m feeling sad, instead of calling me “emo.” I want someone to step up to the challenge of truly receiving me, instead of criticizing me out of intimidation or misunderstanding. I do a lot of taking care of others, but rarely get taken care of myself. At least not in the ways that I need to be.

I spent a lot of my childhood trying to explain myself to others, and was in return called “dramatic,” “moody,” “depressed.” Sometimes these words come to the forefront of my brain and I feel a washing over of shame - of worthlessness. But I recognize that although the person I am is often too much for others to hold, I have a very special gift reserved for only those who can receive me.  

So where do you come into the picture, Stephen? Why do I even feel compelled to tell you these things? Maybe it’s because I’m just sick of being with people with whom I don’t have the space to be my authentic self. Maybe it’s because when I see you, I see a vessel that could comfortably hold me, instead of one seeping at the edges. Maybe that’s just who I want you to be… who I wish you to be.  

The city's big but all I've found Is you're the truest thing in this town And I want you now (nothing more than that – the paper kites*)

I don’t know what it is about you, honestly I don’t.

Here are some things I do know: You dominate my thoughts. I feel warm when I’m with you, both figuratively and literally. I feel safe with you, in more than one sense of the word. I want to spend nights cuddled with you by a fire under the stars, talking about life, or not talking about anything at all. I want to spend mornings wrapped up in blankets making love then making breakfast in the quiet early hours of dawn (and also fucking senseless on all surfaces of your house). I want to spend days apart sending you pictures and messages about things that excite me, hurt me, make me feel; things that only have in common the fact that I want to share them with you. I want to sit with you anywhere, learning about your heart, losing track of time.

I want to shyly look away and blush as you stare at me like I am the only fucking human on this planet whose soul sets yours on fire. [It scares me how you look at me; makes me feel responsible for upholding who you believe I am.]

How wonderful it feels to be with you. To exist with you. I care about you so deeply, despite knowing you for such a short amount of time. I want to know everything there is to know about you; hopes, fears, traumas, excitements, secrets, shames, prides, joys. Just as I want you to hold space for me, I want to hold that same space for you.

This is all so surreal to me. It feels intense, passionate, vulnerable, real. I could simply be in your presence, without any words, without even any physical contact, and I could feel at peace.

I’m running from nothing, no thoughts in my mind oh my heart was all black but I saw something shine thought that part was yours, but it might just be mine I could share it with you, if you gave me the time I’m all bloody knuckles, longing for home if it weren’t for second chances, we’d all be alone (second chances – gregory alan Isakov*)

However, I live life toeing the line between logic and emotion, and just as quickly as I can slip into a fantasy, I can slip back into reality.

I am not unhappy with Marisa as I have been in past relationships. We are “okay.” We are able to function as a couple, and we’ve stuck by each other through some storms. We have a life together. We live together, have pets together, “have kids” together, have friends together, have memories together. My family loves her and has welcomed her in. We have really begun to accommodate each other and our needs. We just lack the passion that we had when we first started dating, which is a realistic loss in a long-term relationship.

When I think about leaving her I break down in tears. I do love her… it just feels like some things have been lost in translation. I know there are parts of me she will never understand, but is it fair for me to place such a heavy expectation on another human? We will never be able to know another being as well as we know ourselves, and likewise another being will never be able to know us as well as we know ourselves. So why do I expect that someone will?

Maybe I pulled the panic cord Maybe you were happy, I was bored Maybe I wanted you to change Maybe I'm the one to blame (panic cord – gabrielle aplin *)

It feels like I’m always searching for something “better.” I get caught in a pattern of thinking the relationship I’m in is everything I need, then I come across someone who illuminates the gaps that exist in my current relationship - who fills those gaps. And I am so busy admiring this person for their ability to fill the gaps that I am distracted from seeing that, they, too come to the relationship with flaws, inabilities, areas that need growth. I am temporarily blinded. In the first relationship I cheated in, I cheated because at that point in my life I needed to be with a woman. In the second relationship I cheated in, I cheated because I needed freedom from being controlled. And in this relationship, I cheated because I needed someone who would be able to receive me in my entirety. Although these people filled the “gaps” that were missing in my relationships, they each came with their own set of gaps that needed filling. What I am learning is that no one will ever meet every one of my needs. No one will ever completely understand me. That’s not a pessimistic statement so much as a piece of reality I am trying to wrap my head around. The person I am with is not the one who needs fixing, it is me who does.  

I had all and then most of you Some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do (the night we met – lord huron*)

But here is where I get scared. I think about being with you long-term. Honestly, I know almost nothing about how you function in a relationship; what your needs are, what your expectations of me are, rules for yourself and our relationship, how your experiences have shaped the way you function in a relationship. Do we share the same values? Would our long-term goals align? Would one of us be able to compromise if necessary? Would we be able to support each other in our individual endeavors or would we become so wrapped up in each other that our individuality begins to disappear? Would I be so lost in you that I forget who I am? Would you be the same? Or would we hold each other accountable? The cold hard truth is that just because we are able to connect on almost another plane entirely does not mean that we would make a functional couple. In fact, the level on which we connect may prevent us from being a functional couple. It’s hard to think about that, but given the situation I’m in, I have to.

To be honest with you, if I were not in a relationship right now, I would try this with you. I would see where this all would take us, and if we would be logistically compatible. I wouldn’t even be thinking about all of this to this extreme; I would just see where things took us.  It’s hard for me to say this, but because of the situation I’m in with Marisa, I almost feel like I’m trying to figure out if it would be worth it for me to give up my life with her, to hurt her, to be with you.

But there’s also a part of me that thinks, who am I to think that you would even want to be with me? Maybe, even if I was single, that’s not what you would even want with me. Maybe you’re content with what we have now. I know so little of what you think that I have little choice but to fill in the gaps with what I believe to be true about your thoughts. For all I know, you’ve got people lined up, for all I know, you don’t want commitment. Maybe you’ve got a gypsy heart like mine and are always aching for something, somewhere, new -  shuddering at the thought of settling. There are just so many layers to all of this; I feel like I’m stuck in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions and questions and I have no idea how to make it all slow down.

I'm out on the highway in the desert unknown And I'll find a way to get back to you though But I'll still run around like I don't have a home 'Cause even when I'm around I've got no place to go And I know I'm not what you need But it's okay with me, yeah it's okay with me (it’s ok with me – manchester orchestra*)

I guess I’m waiting for some sign that will tell me whether or not I should stay with Marisa. Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s how the universe works, so I may be stuck here waiting for a while. I’ve weighed the pros and cons of both outcomes and still have come up with no solution. I spend days completely enamored by the thought of being with you, others disgusted by how far I’ve let my feelings get for you. I admire your control, your coolness, your independence and I strive to be that way, yet struggle because I know I’m an “all in” kind of person, sometimes at the expense of my own well-being. I know that you know what you deserve and trust that you’ll pull out of this if you feel it’s doing you more harm than good. But I also know (think?) that how all of this pans out is pretty much resting on me. I don’t feel pressure from anyone but myself but unfortunately that makes this situation even more difficult.

If you’re more confused after reading all of this than you were when you started, I sincerely apologize. To be honest with you, I don’t even remember what the intent of me writing this was. I think I just needed a place to vent, and wanted to help you understand what’s going on in my mind. I know I went through the emotional ringer while writing this, but I hope you’re okay. If you have more questions than answers, ask me your questions, I’m here to answer them as well as I can. Regardless of how this all turns out, I want you to know that you occupy a very important piece of me, and I don’t foresee that ever changing. Give yourself a hug from me and crack open a Mike’s Hard for making it through to the end of this novel. Thank you, as always, for being open to listening, learning, and understanding.

I’ll talk to you soon.

<3 Always, Sam  

But there, is a light In the dark, and I feel its warmth In my hands, and my heart Why can't I hold on? It comes and goes in waves It always does, it always does We watch as our young hearts fade Into the flood, into the flood (waves – dean lewis *)

[things-un-spoken]

4/9/18

I’m writing this not really knowing where it’s going to go. I have lots of homework to do and I’m procrastinating as always, but I feel like I need to write. and cry. and write more. and listen to sad music. I’m such a weird person. 

I’m 23 now. and I really am starting to feel 23. I’m dating Marisa, who has two kids (5 & 6) and although we don’t see them all the time, I’m still a parent when we do see them. I pay all my own bills except for my phone bill (thanks Dad). I’m almost 2 years into my grad counseling program, and this coming August I will officially begin my internship at a substance use facility in Tampa. 

I can feel myself maturing in a lot of ways. I am less dependent of a person - I am coming into who I am going to be. however, there’s still this big empty gap in me, especially when I am alone. I can feel it gaping; I can feel myself reaching for something to fill the void. sex, food, anything that I can focus on to temporarily distract me from this empty feeling. is this something that is always going to be there? I’ve learned that relationships cannot fill the void. they make it a little smaller, as do friendships, but nothing takes away the emptiness I feel when I am alone. 

I am thankful for Marisa. I am thankful for her independence and her unwillingness to tolerate my dependency and codependency. I know this next year is going to be so busy and so important for my career, and with anyone else I’d be scared that my relationship would crumble. I know Marisa will be there though. And she will be understanding of my time. She will support me in the ways she knows how, even if at times I don’t feel like it’s enough. 

I am also thankful for my mom, who is now sober (due to some medical issues), and with whom I have a much better relationship with now. although I couldn’t talk to her about the deep dark things I have going on, I can talk to her about my day to day stressors and joys. I am thankful for my therapist, who helped me come to terms with my codependency, and who recommended that I attend an al-anon support group, which has been fantastic and eye-opening. she has provided me with a safe space to spill my thoughts, no matter how messy. my two closest friends at this point, JJ & Mason (formerly Marisa), have also proved surprisingly unwavering when I have let my crazy out to them. 

there’s a part of me that just will not let myself completely tear the walls down with people. my therapist is the closest person I’ve come to completely letting my walls down with, but I can’t even let go all the way. I feel safe with JJ and Mason and have shared a lot with them, but there is still something that prevents me from becoming completely vulnerable. maybe that is contributing to the void. I just don’t know how to tear it down. I’m there but I’m not there. I don’t know. 

I don’t feel overwhelmed with depression or anxiety. I have some sad days when I feel grey but overall I just feel disengaged. I am going through the motions of life with some success and from an outside perspective I’ve got a lot going for me. 

here are things I am happy about:

I am two years done with my graduate program & have one to go before I graduate and can really help people

I am in a relationship with a woman who is patient, low maintenance, and genuinely kind

I have a job I don’t hate as a server, and have good relationships with the people I work with

I have a developing relationship with my mom

I have one really good friend (JJ) who I know I can always confide in and who will always be there for me

I am helping to raise and create a good life for two really good kids

I have two cats who I absolutely adore 

I am working out a good amount which increases my confidence 

I am getting good at playing with makeup and feel confident in how I look with and without it

here are things I am stressed about:

money & the crazy amounts of loans I have to pay back upon graduation

eventually moving in with Marisa and having her kids more frequently

getting a full time job when Marisa only works full time & not being able to balance our schedules with our time together

my “void” & my tendency to reach out for temporary sexual relationships with people who are no good for me - or reach out for unhealthy food

my brother connor who is failing classes, smoking and selling weed, taking antidepressants, and refusing to talk to a therapist

my dad who I feel like could die any day due to bad health, and with whom I barely have any relationship 

my weight

my mom, who is handicapped, and almost never gets out of the house. I know she is depressed but trying to make the most of the situation

also here are some updates since I haven’t posted in almost two years:

I broke up with Emily pretty shortly after graduating in May 2016. We moved in together to an apartment downtown (which I LOVED) but I knew I was going to end it with her. while I was living there, I was talking to DJ and messing around with her, and I even slept with a guy from work in our bed one night when Emily was with family. we broke up while we were sitting at the pool one night. I think we both knew it was over, but we had to decide about logistics. how we were going to handle terminating the lease, and what to tell our friends, etc. It was uncomfortable, and she was justifiably mad. it was primarily one-sided. she still texted me from time to time for a while, but I haven’t heard from her in probably six months by this point. 

slept with a server at work who also trained me. he was incredibly attractive and I knew it would be a one night stand. he gave me herpes. I cut myself for the first time in a long time when I found out the news (and I haven't cut since). I had to tell marisa before we slept together, and thankfully she was very understanding. I did some research on herpes and found out that it was more common than I thought, and also treatable (but not curable). I haven’t had another outbreak since when I found out in August 2016, and as far as I know I have not passed it to Marisa. 

I started my grad program for counseling in august 2016. It’s been an amazing journey and I’ve learned sooooooo much, including things about myself. I am looking forward to being done but I am really going to miss this progress and the people it has led me to meet. 

I started dating marisa. we slept together a lot before we made it official in November 2016. she had some issues with being loyal early in our relationship. It has come a long way since then. I genuinely love her and for the most part trust her. we are required to have a more mature relationship because her kids are involved. she has been through a lot of shit, including both of her adoptive parents dying and being in two abusive marriages. she’s a tough cookie and I admire her a lot. 

my mom got really sick december of 2016. she was in hospitals for 3 or so months, detoxing and having hallucinations, etc. she was sober during this whole time. my dad blamed her sickness on a medication she was taking, but my parents denied her alcohol use to all her doctors. one night I was in the hospital over christmas time, and i took her doctor aside privately and told him about the alcohol use. he thanked me and said it was probably wernike’s enchephalopathy that they were seeing. my mom eventually got out of the hosptial, but seems to be permanently handicapped. can’t walk, has trouble speaking, but still is pretty mentally stable. I worry about her lonliness though. 

2017 was a pretty stable year. I focused mainly on school and work. Marisa and I had our ups and downs but overall stablized a lot. we celebrated our one year November 2017. we also met two really great brazilian friends who we spent a lot of time exploring with, but who moved back to brazil :( we still keep in contact as much as possible and hopefully we will be visiting them in a few months. 

I got to have my pre-practicum experience at a residental adolescent campus for teens with s/a problems. man, was that rewarding. I developed a love for working with adolescents and I hope I can work with them again one day. 

i began therapy once again and began attending an al-anon support group in town. I did a ton of work on myself both through therapy and classes at school. I have grown immeasurably this past year. I’ve developed so much more self-awareness & have learned new coping skills. 

marisa and i got to spend christmas with my family and her two kids. it was nothing short of amazing. the kids had a blast, my family was notably happier than previous years and everything worked out about as perfectly as it could have. we rented a car and drove both ways, which was tough, but a worthwhile experience. my parents really love the kids, and I know they will be sad if Marisa and I ever break up. my brothers also loved and bonded with the kids. it really was an amazing week and I hope we can do it again because everyone was so incredibly happy. 

it’s now 4 months into 2018 and things are going pretty well. marisa and I are a little distant but we are stable. her kids have really warmed up to me and even tell me they love me. I’m very settled into the routine of work and continue to make new friends there as new people start. I am over the weirdness with the guy who gave me herpes. JJ and I are very close and I really appreciate that relationship. I will begin my next prepracticum at a domestic violence shelter in a few weeks, then in august I will begin my real practicum. I hope this year continues to go well. 

[things-un-spoken]

I really just don’t even know where to start. I have been a complete mess lately, and I’m scared to even write on the internet the things I have been doing.

Working at Jimmy John’s these past 6 months has been both the worst and the best thing for me. I have made some really fun friends and deepened old relationships. However, some of these relationships have progressed too far.

I just need to say it. I cheated on Em. With 3 different people. And I don’t know if it is going to stop any time soon with this third person. It’s so complicated.

I’ve been doing things that are really bad for my body and mind. I haven’t been taking care of myself. I have either been starving myself or overeating. I’ve been drinking a lot and spending a lot of time with other people who drink a lot. I’m having promiscuous sex. I’m developing feelings for someone I shouldn’t be. I am basically self-destructing. Em has no idea about any of this. She just knows that I have been distant and cold; depressed. I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this charade. She deserves so so much more than how I am treating her right now. I am a complete fuck up of a girlfriend.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like I can’t stop this behavior. I feel trapped being with Em, but I wonder if it’s just because she is preventing me from being able to completely go off the deep end.

The more I think about it, the more I realize I don’t know if we are cut out to be together forever. I think we could make it work, but I don’t know if we would both be really happy. But that is such a scary thought. When I fell for Em, I fell so hard. I was convinced we were perfect for each other. Our lives feel so intertwined. The idea of ending this scares the shit out of me. Not to mention we are about to move into our first official apartment together. I can’t be fucking another person and doing illegal things when she is paying the majority of the cost for us to live in our place. She is going out of her way to plan romantic things for us and I can’t stop feeling guilty. I’m sure she just thinks I’m giving up on us and not trying, which is pretty true. My mind is just occupied with this other woman who I know I could never have anything stable with.

I am such a fuck up. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared to break up for numerous reasons, but really the scariest reason is that I don’t know if I could survive without her. Literally. I don’t make enough money to live anywhere on my own. I know I need a new job but I love my coworkers at JJ’s and am scared to move somewhere else and start fresh. However, maybe that’s what I need…

Anyway, I want to talk about DJ, the girl I am developing feelings for. First of all, she is 36 – 15 years older than me. She’s kind of a mess. Sleeps with a lot of girls, doesn’t really develop connections with all of them. There’s a woman she’s been on and off with for a couple years and I think she is planning on getting back with her. She drinks, a lot, does drugs and parties. But God, she has a good heart. She is absolutely beautiful, sexy, funny, sweet. She always takes care of her people. She is my GM at JJ’s and everyone loves her. She likes me, or so she says. We’ve had a couple opportunities to sleep together which she has turned down because she says she “respects me” too much. She says she’s scared that if we sleep together I’ll develop feelings for her. I asked her if maybe she was scared that she would develop feelings for me, and she said maybe, and it kind of seemed like that was true at the time. But now that I am thinking about it, I’m wondering if she isn’t sleeping with me because she is trying to be loyal to Susan. She said at some point last night when we were hanging out that she was really trying to change her ways. I am starting to wonder if she likes the thrill of being with me and would sleep with me, but is holding off because of Susan. I need to ask her the next time I see her… I just hope she is honest with me.

That’s another thing about her. She lies, or so I think. She is mysterious, which definitely adds to her sexiness, but at the same time makes her really unreliable. I am so confused. I know I could never leave Em solely because of her. That would be totally stupid. I do think I need to end things with Em, if not anything but the fact that I have been cheating on her and being a terrible girlfriend and she does not deserve that at all. I am really scared I will regret ending it with her, but I don’t see myself getting better any time soon. And until I figure this shit out within myself, I don’t know that I should be with anyone. I’m really really scared, and I don’t feel like I have anyone I can completely confide in. I can probably tell JJ most of what I have been doing, but I’m scared she’ll look at me like I’m a complete fuck up of a person. I don’t know wht to do. I’m scared Em is going to find out all of the shit I have done behind her back. I don’t even feel that guilty about everything. Ugh.

[things-un-spoken]

You don’t get to decide when we move in together. You don’t get to decide what our apartment is going to look like. You don’t get to decide our future. You don’t get to assume I feel the same way. You don’t get to pull away from me because I don’t feel that way yet. Moving in together should not CAUSE you to have security in our relationship. You should be secure before you move in with me. Don’t tell me why I don’t want to move in. Don’t make up things in your head because you’re insecure. Don’t tell me I want the power to end our relationship. Don’t blame me for being scared of something happening. And don’t fucking withdraw your love for me just because after LESS THAN A YEAR I don’t feel like I’m ready to move in with you.

[things-un-spoken]

I'm so stressed. i dont know what to do about emily, im stressed about getting this paper done and im stressed that im not even going to be able to sign up for classes for next smemester. i had a fun weekend, and didnt get any work done which i know was my fault. i have such bad anxiety about writing papers, i think i need to get help for it but i probably wont. emily went home for the weekend and barely talked to me at all, and i have no idea whats up with her. i wont be able to see her til 7pm tonight and ill have to leave at 745 so we cant really talk. and who knows how long this paper is oging to take so we may not even be able to really talk abytime soon. so that just makes it even harder to focus on this paper. she has basically ignored me all weekend, and ive been trying really hard to give her space and be patient but sometimes i just need love and affection. i can handle a day of her being super distant but the fact that she cant even take 10 minutes out of her day to call me and say she loves me is just saddening. what happened? she has changed and become s oloving and then she goes home for a weekend and barely talks to me. its really not fair to put me through jthat. on the other hand, maybe im just being ridiculous because i am stressed about everything else and that is making it partiualrky hard for me. idk. i really dont know what to do or how to handle verything tht is going on right now i just want to go home and relax and forget about everything. im so beyond stressed. i need help :( 

[things-un-spoken]

I don't know why I'm so unmotivated. I just want to sit here and cry. And there's nothing too big to really be uspet about. all I need to do is make some slides, and study history and CTT but I just can't stay focused. I still feel heavy from me and Em's "argument" last night and I can't seem to shake it and I hate it. Im starting to feel like I'm depressed again and I don't know what to do. its not as bad as it has been and I don't feel suicidal. I just cant bring myself to do anything and all I want to do is sleep. I feel drained. I let too much of me and ems relationship get to me. I become obsessed with it and cant let it go. and even when Im not actively thinking about it im still feeling the effects of it. i really dont know what to do. I feel like im not going to feel bettwe until me and em talk everything out, but thats not healthy. i need to learn how to function even when things are up in the air with us. she says she needs time to be angry and then apologize, but I need to resolve things quickly or elsee I can't focus on anything else. and honestly, I'm not sure which one is more unheallthy. I don't know what to do about that. do I just leave things up in the air every time I get upset about something until emily is ready to talk about it? I honestly dont know. I just want to cry. :(

[things-un-spoken]

i don't want to jump to any conclusions, but I think Emily is upset. maybe I'm just exaggerating this in my head because I tend to do that. but if she is upset, I'm a little upset. I posted some pictures of our date last night on tumblr, and she said she looked ugly in them. i told her she looked beautiful (cause I really think she does) and she responded with "no more pics of me on tumblr" which is upsetting to me because she is telling me that instead of asking me not to put any more on. it's my tumblr, so I can put what I want on it, and ultimately she doesn't have to look at it. but, if she really doesn't want me to, I won't. I would just prefer if she'd ask me instead of being rude about it. I just feel kind of attacked. like, I put some pictures on that I thought were super cute and reminded me why I love her so much, and just because she's insecure about herself she wants me to take them down. last night I talked about putting some pictures on tumblr and she got all excited because I was going to include her on my tumblr, but today she got all upset about it. she can just be so stubborn sometimes. and I have a feeling that unless I bring it up we are just not going to talk about it. maybe she thinks I'm mocking her by putting "ugly" pictures up? I don't know, but I'm going to be really upset if shes like actually angry at me for it. it's not really fair honestly. I should be able to post whatever I want without her being able to veto it. I didn't have to give her my tumblr url and I can just as easily change it so she can't see my posts anymore. idk. maybe I'm just being a baby about this. maybe it won't even be a problem when we see each other later. I just don't really understand her sometimes. she's usually pretty chill but then she gets upset over the randomest things, like this. one time she was being bitchy and refusing to listen to my side in an argument instead of attempting to understand where I was coming from in an argument. her pride was just getting in the way. and I told her that even when she gets upset about things that I dont think she should be upset about, I still try to understand her. and she asked me for examples and I couldnt give her any at the time. but this is a good example. even though I think its really stupid that shed get so upset over this, I am still willing to not put anymore pictures up if she asks me nicely and doesnt just tell me what to do. idk. I feel better after writing about this. I just we'll see what happens when I see her later today

[things-un-spoken]

I can't believe I didn't journal about the day Emily said "I love you" to me!! well in short, we were in the library on our special couch on the second floor, and she had been crying really hard about something that I can't remember now. but we really connected and she was telling me how loved she felt and how good I was at comforting her. then we were standing, her back was against the wall and i was facing her, and she said it. and it felt incredible :')

[things-un-spoken]

Things are going wonderfully with Emily. I love her so much. I honestly never would have expected us to be where we are now.

I can remember the first time I really met her and spent a significant amount of time with her. That feels like forever ago, but honestly it couldn't have been more than a year ago. The moment I saw her I knew I wanted her. She was incredibly attractive, not just in how she looked, but in the way she was; the way she held herself, the way she talked, everything. She was absolutely intoxicating and I found myself craving time with her, despite only having met her once. Every time I'd see her I'd get butterflies. More so than I'd ever gotten before. 

And I never would have ever thought we'd be where we are now. In love, in a public relationship, and doing wonderfully. It's insane to reflect back on how I felt about her all the way back then. I knew from the moment I met her that I wanted her. She had this pull that I had rarely ever felt for someone in my life up to that point. 

We have gone from strangers, to enemies, to having a crush, to having sex, to having feelings, to not talking, to talking and having feelings, to more sex and more feelings to more not talking and everywhere in between. And finally, I can say that she and I are in love and able to be together, without any restrictions. 

She and I both got over our fears, and are now able to happily be together. I honestly feel like I am meant to be with this girl. I am so in love with her. And I am in love with our relationship. We are both unique and independent people but we love each other and we know the other loves us. 

She is compassionate, caring, and selfless. She loves and takes care of me, as well as others. She loves her family. She remembers things I say and gives me sweet and meaningful compliments. She's smart and motivated. She's active and enjoys being busy, but also loves to relax with me. She's open to religion even though she doesn't know her stance yet. She is also stubborn, moody, and at times inconsiderate, but I honestly love her for all of these things too. She tries to improve on areas where she knows she needs it, and will apologize after being given a little space. We have kinks we need to work out, but what relationship doesn't? The positives most definitely outweigh the negatives in our relationship, and 90% of the time I feel loved and happy. I know I can count on her to be honest with me and loyal to me. I'm not scared she's going to cheat or leave me. I've been able to get over these irrational fears in the time I've been with her because she has given me every reason to trust her. That feels incredible to be able to say. 

I love her, and I'm so excited to see where our relationship is going to go in the future. I look forward to learning more about each other, getting closer, adventuring, and growing together. <3

[things-un-spoken]

So, she finally asked me out!! :)) (9/17/2014). We were just snuggling in bed after having some great sex and she said "babe, will you be my girlfriend?" and I said "of course I will" and she said that she couldnt wait anmore and thats why she asked me then instead of in some grand way. but honestly I think I would have preferred the way she did it over some grand way. she also flipped my claddagh ring so that the heart was facing towards me and she was so cute and excited about it :D 

I feel like I should be more excited than I am, but at the same time it has felt like we've been dating for a while already, so it's not as exciting as I was expecting I guess. But I'm still ready for the experiences were going to have together :) also, so far, marisa seems to be being pretty supportive about it, and even joking around about it, so that's really nice. I think Emily will get more comfortable with it eventually, but she probably thinks its a fleeting thing since she thinks I'm "straight" and katie is pretty supportive too, I'm sensing a little jealousy, but other than that she's been good :) 

[things-un-spoken]

I'm so scared. I don't knwo what to do. emily and I decided tonight that we needed to tell marisa and emily to basically back off. I told katie a few nights ago and she took it really well, and said she would support us. but tonight me and em told marisa. and she didnt take it so well. we basically said that we had feelings for each other and needed space to work it out without marisa and emily pressuring us. we were very honest with her and pretty much told her everything. she kind of stormed away and said "well its your business so" so I dont know what Im going to do from here. im really worried about it being awkward, which it probably will be for a while, but on the other hand im relieved because now em and I can finally have some space without having to be questioned about everything. i told marisa tonight that i was going out to walk and talk with emily and she texted me while i was out there saying "you know what this looks like right...not to point out the obvious or anything" and it just pissed me off so much. because it is not her business at all. it is entirely me and ems business and no one elses. but, me and em are both people pleasers and it is really hard for us to have people upset with us. i am really struggling to have boundaries with this, but i need to learn to. i need to learn how to spend time with marisa, but also have boundaries and let her know when she is being too much. i really fucking suck at boundaries. but I know God knows I need to work on my boundaries, and this is definitely forcing me to. im going to continue to push myself, even though it may be awkward with marisa.

in brighter news, emilly just texted me that she talked to emily and told her that we have feelings for each other that we wanted to explore, and emily just said she would rather us be honest about it than go behind her back, but that it was all good. so that makes me feel a little better. i just hope emliy will rub off on marisa a little bit. because i really dont know how im going to deal with her. :( im so scared. and i really need some guidance. and i still dont know what im going to do about em. i have no idea what the right thing to do is. but me and em agreed to go to couples counseling at FSC so hopefully that can help us get some direction. i really really really love that girl. i started crying today and i was being difficult because i was jealous of her spending time with katie and she was so patient with me. she communicated so well with me and held me and it was fantastic. it makes me love her  even more. shes proven to me that when im in a vulnerable state, she can handle it and be there for me properly. but i still dont know what to do. shes worried about being with me because ive never been with a girl before. and that is understandable, but its hard for me. because its not something i can help. it feels unfair, but at the same time its not unfair, because it is something that is legitimately concerning her. i dont know. but i am tired and im worn out and i am dreading tomorrow and having to deal with marisa. itll be okay though. everything will be okay. i have em and i have God and it will get figured out.

[things-un-spoken]

sooo wow. I kissed Jorge today. actually, we made out. and it was hot. and I wanted to take it further. I don't think we're going to have another opportunity to do that though. I don't know how i feel about it. I'm very conflicted. sometimes I just think about how hot it was and how I want to go further. I'm thinking that right now. he was a good kisser. and he has such a nice body. I just want to feel him up. and he smells good. and he was respectful and didn't push me to go further. being respectful of me turns me on. I completely through him off guard. he wasn't expecting it at all and that's what made it so hot. I just couldn't resist. I had just talked all about myself and my past relationships, my experience with self-harm and my parent's issues, and he was opening up to me about all of his issues at home. how his "girl" is always angry and yelling and bitter and selfish, how she doesn't help him pay for anything, and how after she had a kid she lost all interest in sex. some pretty sad stuff. stuff he said may have caused him to "look for another person". idk. Jorge is very very into me. I guess in love with me. it took me up until today to really believe it. but damn, the way he describes the way he feels about me is very honest; very real. he said he downloaded enrique iglesias music to his ipod because he knows how much I love him. and he played it in the car while we were talking. we also listened to some prince royce. it was just...so nice. he listened to me and I listened to him and as I was listening to him I was just thinking of how great a guy he is. he's so sefless, he gives to everyone where he can. he doesn't have a temper. he understands a lot of things and is very down to earth. honestly, if he werent so pushy about doing physical things with me, there would be nothing holding me back from having complete and total feelings for him. and honestly, he's been getting a lot better. I can tell treating women like that has been a pattern in his life, and he is struggling to overcome it. but he was really trying today, and I do appreciate that. but anyway, I initiated the kiss. i held his face and he put his hands in my hair. and it was hot. I felt his chest and his arms and I just wanted to touch him all over. and afterwards, it like wasnt even awkward. I suddenly felt really comfortable with him and was talking up a storm. and he seemed sooo happy. he was happy I talked to him and happy I kissed him. I feel relieved, like I've finally released something that has been nagging at me. the only problem is that kissing him has made me have even stronger feelings for him, and now it'll be harder to leave. and also now I want to keep kissing him and going farther. I want him to kiss my neck and pull my hair and talk into my ear in spanish. this is bad. I have so much lust for him right now. Knowing me, I could wake up tomorrow and feel totally awkward and ashamed and whatever though. so I don't trust how I feel right now. we'll see how evreything goes though. I only have 4 more days of work and 2 of them he probably wont be here. honestly, I don't know what's going to happen. I think I would have regretted not kissing him more than I would having kissed him. so I am glad I did. dsskgkfgjlfkjglg ugh. there are a lot of things that are really great about him that I'd really love in a potential marriage

good with money. saves his money, spends money on his kids before himself, has a financial plan for his life

good dad. spends lots of time with his kids, takes pics of them, spoils them, talks highly of them, works hard for them

is selfless. does other people's work without complaining. gives a lot of himself to others. is willing to help out anyone who needs it and not complain (sometimes gets walked all over)

understanding, down to earth. I explain a lot of things to him and he is just so chill. he doesn't get worked up or upset. If i say sorry he honors it. if he screws up he says sorry and owns up to it. there are no games.

hes open. he shares completely openly and honestly with me. he shares literally everything about his life. his family and exended family, his money situation, the things that are upsetting him and the things that are going well. I love that he openly shares with me.

hes smart. he can figure a lot of things out. he knows how to work like everything in the clean room at work. he can fix like any problem our coworkers are having. everyone goes to him if they need help with something.

he's neat and organized. has beauitful handwriting. takes the time to clean up after himself and afer others. takes care of his car and his home. makes sure to put things back the way he found them.

hes clean. like physically. takes care of himself. always looks clean and smells clean (yum)

he gets upset but he doesn't get angry. he always talks things through with me. he does not have a temper. he is not unfair. hes very mature at problem solving. huge turn on

ugh. all right. I probably should write more but I just wanted to get that down. I may write more later. I'm going to have to figure out if/how I am going to tell Em about this .she's been great and happy and flirty lately which is nice. I kinda wanna sleep with her again....ugh what is wrong with me. maybe I'm just horny and having issues. fhakfhakdjfhak whatever. I'm content right now. we'll see what happens....

[things-un-spoken]

As I was crocheting, I was thinking about the kind of man (girl?) I want to end up in a relationship with. I thought of this analogy: I do not want to be with a man who enters the relationship with half of his food groups on his plate. For example, he'd have his carbs and veges, but be looking for his protein and dairy from me. I want a man who already has his carbs, veges, protein, and dairy, and who enters the relationship wanting to get some variety by sharing my different carbs, veges, protein, and dairy. I.e. I want someone who knows who they are entirely. Who does not seek me to fill the gaps he feels he has. I want a full person, who will be in a relationship with me (a full person) and will share our varieties of foods with each other. I know it sounds kind of stupid but I just wanted to write it down because it somehow makes sense in my head.

[things-un-spoken]

I just wish for once she wouldn't get drunk the day we have plans. You'd think I'd be used to this by now but I'm not. Every time, I get my hopes up, thinking maybe this time she will be responsible and stay sober. But that never is the case. I don't want to feel sorry for myself or make this any bigger than this is. I don't want to play the whole "I shouldn't have to be let down by my mom over and over again I'm so damaged" card, but that's what I feel like doing. I don't think Emily can understand this, so I probably won't even tell her. I feel like unless you've lived with an alcoholic parent, you can't understand the extent to which it hurts. I also don't think Emily knows how to react when I tell her things that are really deep and painful from my past. Maybe she just doesn't understand, or maybe it's just too uncomfortable for her. I told her all about Conor, which always gets me all worked up, and all she said was "I'm sorry you had to go through that." and that was all. I'm sure she wants to comfort me but probably doesn't know how. Anyway, I don't want to place expectations on her. I need to remember that most people don't have the capability to empathize that I do. And that is frustrating, but something that I need to accept. Maybe someday I will find somebody who my soul really connects with; who really gets me. I'm not holding my breath though.

[things-un-spoken]

God is so good. He works in such mysterious ways. Lately I've been letting go; just letting what happens, happen. And I've been so much happier. I'm trusting that whatever God has in store for my life is what I need to experience, whether good or bad. And let me tell you, that is the best feeling. To know my life is in His hands; it's not my own responsibility. All I have to do is listen for Him. To go where He is guiding me, and not try to plow my own path. I am being led to beautiful places of self-discovery, peace, patience, and understanding. I am learning to be independent of others, but still have special places in my heart for them. To love others fully without losing myself. To separate my own feelings from the feelings of others. To form healthy boundaries. I love this lifestyle. I pray that this way of thinking continues!

Now, on to other things. EMILY.

Well, I told her I love her. And I do. I've fallen faster for her than I have for anyone. I feel a connection with her that is not forced, or faked. It took me a long time to really develop feelings for Cameron. It wasn't like that for Em. The day I met her I had INTENSE feelings towards her. Maybe sexual, maybe something else. But feelings nonetheless. We finally had sex, and then developed pretty intense feelings for each other over the beginning of summer (while I was still with Cameron :/) then I broke up with Cameron, me and Em cooled it and didn't talk much, and then last week I went down to FL to stay with her. Which I will explain more later. But the point is, there is something special there with Em. And there was from the start. She even told me that she felt things for me right off the bat too. I can remember like the 3rd time we ever hung out she gave me a foot massage (and she told me she only gives sig. others foot massages). We got to know each other pretty quickly, and she opened up to me more than she ever had with anyone else. Wow.

Anyway, kind of in summary. This past week started out awkward, we didn't really know how to act. We had a few drunken hookups while we were at Emily's house. Didn't talk much cause we didn't really have privacy. But there was definitely something there. I got upset with her the last night because she was upset with me but wouldnt talk about it with me. then we finally got time alone on our car ride to em's house. We got in a relatively serious "fight" on the way home. I calmly asked her not to speak badly of Marisa because she is my best friend. She got offended and said she shouldn't have to do that. Then after some silence and awkward tension what I heard her say was that I was being selfish and immature, to which I replied I thought she was being selfish and immature. Then later in the car ride I found out she was calling herself that, not me, and I of course felt terrible and apologized. We got over that, goofed around a bit for the rest of the car ride and held hands and were cute. I told her I was nervous to meet her parents so she pulled over and gave me a kiss and told me that was for my nerves. It was sweet.

Then I met her parents and Madison and we all at a spaghetti dinner together. They asked me a few questions and joked around with me a bit and it was nice and relaxed. I really love being with her family. Her dad is goofy and adorable, her mom can be high maintenance but has a good heart, and me and Mad hit it off right away. She's sarcastic and swears a lot and is a good time. I think Em may have been a bit jealous. But she has nothing to worry about. I wish I could have video recorded my whole time there so that I could remember everything in more detail. :/

Em and I spent a lot of time going out to eat, doing fun activities outside, going for drives, and talking with her family. The more the week went on, the closer I felt with her. We had a lot of good heart to hearts and a lot of good sex. I can tell that she is really opening up to the idea of being with me, which makes me happy, but nervous at the same time.

One particular night, I was feeling really loving and romantic. Instead of telling her I wanted to fuck her, I told her I wanted to make love to her. I think she didn't really know how to respond to this, but was probably flattered and scared. I asked her when we got to bed if it scared her, and she said she didn't know the difference between fucking and making love, so I explained it to her. She then said no one had ever wanted to make love to her before. I could tell she felt pretty loved. We made love, and it was nice, but I could feel the distance between us. One time, after finishing, she put her head in my shoulder while she was still lying on top of me. I kissed her head and held her, and told her that she deserves much more than she thinks she does, and that I didn't want her to settle for someone who only wanted to fuck her and not make love to her. She then started to cry, a lot, and I just held her. It felt wonderful. I could tell I hit home with her, and that she felt cared about. I didn't want her to be sad, but I'm glad she knows that she is worth something. I really do just want her to be with someone who is not just using her for one reason or another. I told her I want her to be with someone who would care about her as much as I do. She cried a lot that night, but damn she was beautiful. Even through tears.

The last night I was there we were talking about me leaving. I asked her if she was going to miss me and she said yes. Pretty shortly after she was pushing me to have sex with her. We hadn't even kissed or really connected at all, and the whole time all I could think about was how she was using sex as her escape from having to deal with her emotions. Which of course hits home with me. I let her finish on me but when she tried to touch me I really did not want it, and I pulled her hand off. She was embarassed because she coudln't get me wet. After some silence we talked a bit and she said it hurt her ego that she couldnt get me wet. I explained that it had nothing to do with what she was doing, I just need more of a connection and foreplay to want sex. I proposed that maybe she was using sex as a way of not having to deal with her emotions, and she said maybe. She started crying again and said she "wasn't even human" because she could just turn off her emotions like that. (If we are together in the future, I'm going to try to push her out of her comfort zone and talk about things instead of avoiding them with sex). Honestly, I felt completely used. I mean, she literally got herself off on me without even considering if I was really into it or not. I think it was pretty obvious that I wasn't, but I didn't say any of that to her because she was clearly upset. I still am a little upset about that hapenning, but I can tell its sensitive for her, so I dont want to harbour over it. Oh well.

All in all, it was a great trip. I feel really close with Em and I definitely want to stay close with her, whether that means just being best friends or being together. I definitely dont want to push anything though. I'm just going to go with the flow and see where it takes us.

Right now we've decided to cut back on the lovey dovey stuff at least till school starts, so we shall see.

Oh, and I told her I loved her the day she took me to the aiport to go home. It probably freaked her out, but I like to be honest with how I feel. Oh well. She had told me that at the beginning of summer she was thinking about saying it to me. I know those feelings havent completely gone away; I'm willing to bet she loves me too but is afraid to say it. Oh well, this is all so complicated.

[things-un-spoken]

I'm learning a lot about myself lately. Paying attention to how I feel, and why. Paying attention to how I am around certain people. Monitoring my feelings logically. Being real, but being professional. Learning how to be confident with myself. Learning how to always be friendly with everyone, and make people feel heard, understood, and important. That is really important to me. I want to affect people. I want people to trust me. I want people to know that they are worthy of conversation. that they are interesting. I want to get better at looking people in the eyes and letting them know they are important. I like to see people smile. I like to make people's days better. I love this about myself. I love that I can affect people positively. Yay for confidence! :)