#and trying and failing to catch trout

[lies]

My best eBird photos of May 2024*

Cliff Swallow, Great Blue Heron, Song Sparrow, Rock Wren, Yellow-rumped Warbler

*sort of

[adelaidedrubman]

🛎️ FOR HANK!

comfort my characters + 🛎 - someone at their beck and call

THANK YOU BELOVED THIS WAS A JOY TO WRITE. i am always happy to deliver hank content. sorry it ended up being a little long i get carried away over him.

summary: hank gets meets a new friend and enjoys a day of pampering. (hank pov vaguely set in hook, line, and sinker verse ft. john/jestiny) wordcount: 2.8k warnings: passing sexual innuendo from john + implied drinking. domesticating behavior towards a healthy opossum not good irl disclaimer.

Hank sniffs the air of the strange new place Red has brought him, trying to make sense of what he finds. The den should feel quite nice for a human’s — it’s filled with good outside things like wood, and rock, and animal hide, but for some reason it still makes Hank’s hair stand on end. 

It could be because Red told him so very little about the place before taking him there, beyond it being where That Asshole lives. 

“Jessie, this is too ridiculous, even for you,” the human who must be That Asshole says while looking with mean, narrow eyes at Red and Hank. “You are not dumping an opossum in my home and running —” 

“Calm down,” Red interrupts. “It’s just for a couple hours so I can go fishin’ in peace. Hank’s good company, but he eats too much of the bait, and there’s a big trout I have my heart set on bringing home.”

“Hank?” 

“His name, asshole,” Red growls at him with a shake of her head. 

She reaches into her pouch and pulls out one of those stacks of Smooth Leaves the humans like to spend lots of time looking at rather than eating for reasons Hank doesn’t understand, shoving it into That Asshole’s chest. “Everything else you need to know about him is in here. I made you a Hank Care Guide. Complete with Hank to Human dictionary, so you can understand what he’s askin’ for.” 

He holds out the Smooth Leaves to look at. “Oh? Is this your opossum artwork in crayon on the cover, then?” 

“Don’t get caught up on the fuckin’ pictures,” she snaps at him. “Read it.” 

Red reaches back into her pouch, this time lifting Hank from it. She sets him down onto the ground at That Asshole’s feet. Hank sniffs and finds he has more good animal stink up close buried under the horrible bad smells he seems to have covered himself in, and Hank lifts his head and chitters up in approval. 

“That means he likes you!” Red chirps with an excited grin. For some reason, this makes That Asshole’s eyes turn not so mean and narrow, and Hank realizes they’re actually quite nice and beady, even if they are too light instead of dark the way an opossum’s are supposed to be. “Who’da thought? Maybe you won’t fail at this.” 

“I won’t, because I’m not doing it,” That Asshole hisses as he steps over Hank to follow close on Red’s heels as she starts towards the door to The Outside. 

Red turns back to That Asshole as she opens the door. “If he’s nice and happy as a clam when I get back, I might even share my catch with you.”

“Jessie, do not go through that —” 

Red slams the door shut right in That Asshole’s face before he can keep following and making noises at her. 

“Fuck!” That Asshole screams, slamming a hand against the wood. 

Hank doesn’t really understand why That Asshole is so upset. Hank doesn’t like when Red leaves either, but he’s always very brave about it. 

The stress of it has made Hank work up quite an appetite, though. So he hurries over to That Asshole, hunger growing with each little click of his nails against the ground. 

When he finally reaches That Asshole he smacks his lips up at him, reaching with a little grabby hand. 

That Asshole looks down at him, then rustles through the Smooth Leaves he’s holding.

“Apparently that means you’re hungry,” That Asshole mutters to himself. “And I’m supposed to — oh, come on —” He pinches the top of his snout between his fingers. “To pick you fresh huckleberries?”

Huckleberries. Hank recognizes what that noise means — even if it doesn’t sound as nice as when Red makes it — and he tippy-taps his feet in excitement. 

“God, if Jessie doesn’t appreciate me for playing along with this, I —” That Asshole abruptly stops his noises and waves a hand as he marches away. He turns back to Hank as he pushes open the door to The Outside and says, “Do not tear up my home while I’m out berry picking for you.”

Hank guesses That Asshole will probably also take much longer to forage than Red usually does, so Hank decides to explore his den while he waits, scampering along. 

Hank had already thought it was strange how massive That Asshole’s den was compared to Red’s, but his jaw drops when he sees that it even has a giant mountain made of wood with more den at the top. 

It looks like a long, hard climb, but Hank really wants to see if any of the high parts of That Asshole’s den are cozier than the low parts, so he moves his little legs with all his might to scale the mountain.

He barely takes time to rest when he reaches the big, wide, top of the den, peeking at each little door before he finds one cracked enough that he can slip through. 

Oh, and this must be the good part of the den Hank’s finally found. 

There is a big, fluffy looking nest perfect for resting right at the center, with a nice view of The Outside just past it.

Hank searches for a way up into the nest, finding some good footholds on the block of wood beside it and standing on his hind legs to pull himself up. He knocks over a few toys as he reaches the top, making room to stretch the rest of the way. 

When he burrows into the nest he finds it’s as soft as it looks, feeling better against Hank’s hide than anything he’s ever curled up in before. 

Hank takes one last look at The Outside and dreams of That Asshole picking berries and Red catching fish to bring back to him before he closes his little eyes. 

Hank isn’t sure how long he naps for, only that he wakes to a loud thud thud thud that sends such a panic through him he almost goes rigid to play dead. 

Until the familiar sound of That Asshole’s voice finds Hank’s ears. “Where the fuck did that little —” 

Hank makes choo choo noises from his place in the nest so That Asshole can find him. 

“Why you —” That Asshole’s footsteps grow quicker and heavier. “Do you have any idea how much time and money that collection cost me, you horrid little pest?!” 

Hank looks up to That Asshole as he makes his excited noises that Hank doesn’t understand, eyes going wide at the sight of the hand he holds out practically overflowing with plump huckleberries. He rises from his spot and reaches for them. 

“Absolutely not,” That Asshole says to Hank. “It’s bad enough you destroyed my model planes, you are not eating berries on my two thousand dollar silk —” 

Hank stands on his hind legs to reach for the huckleberries in That Asshole’s palm, knocking several down to plop atop the nest with the one he clutches in his hand and brings to his mouth. 

When he bites down he finds the berry is so ripe and juicy it drips from his mouth as he chews, dribbling down onto the nest beneath him.

That Asshole sighs, finally sitting down on the nest to join Hank, dropping the rest of the berries between them.  

Hank sees that That Asshole stares at his Smooth Leaves rather than sharing the snacks he’s brought, and thinks he must not understand a lot about surviving, and needs Hank’s help. 

So Hank leaves a berry in his mouth unbitten and climbs his way up That Asshole’s back. 

“What —” 

Hank grabs the berry from his mouth and plops it into That Asshole’s open maw. 

That Asshole coughs and spits and makes yelling sounds (he really must not be good at this, how has he stayed alive so long?) but he finally manages to swallow it down. 

Hank pats That Asshole’s cheek to show him he’s proud before he climbs back down his arm, shoveling a few more huckleberries into his mouth as That Asshole continues to cough. 

“God,” That Asshole gasps, wiping his wrist across his mouth. “For all the diseases I’m surely catching because of that damn nightmare of a woman, you’d think I’d get a little more fun out of the experience.” 

Hank swallows the last of his own berries to show That Asshole how easy it is, then flops onto his back with a heavy breath to show off his full belly, twitching his little nose. 

That Asshole sighs again. “That means you need a…” He looks back to the Smooth Leaves. “A ‘post-dinner deep tissue massage?!’” 

Hank tilts his head at That Asshole in expectation, the human belatedly reaching forward to press his fingers at Hank’s jaw and begin rubbing away the tension that had settled there from his hearty snacking. 

That Asshole seems to actually be quite good at this, finding all the spots in Hank’s little body that are sore and easing out the pain, making Hank so comfortable he very nearly dozes off again.

But That Asshole doesn’t let him rest for long once he’s done, rustling through his Smooth Leaves loudly and saying, “Then I’m supposed to…” 

He exhales sharply. “I’m supposed to immediately give you a warm bath, before the huckleberry juice can settle in to stain your fur.” That Asshole scoops Hank up in his arm, carrying him away into another little nook of the den. “Nothing written of what I’m supposed to do about the stains on my sheets — again, you’d think I’d be having a lot more fun for the damage she’s causing me.” 

Hank sees That Asshole has carried him to the part of a human’s den where they like to groom themselves and do their business, and he wonders which That Asshole is going to do. 

But Hank is the one who is plopped down into the smooth white trough humans splash themselves clean in. That Asshole reaches and turns parts that make water pour down. 

“Well,” That Asshole says as he waves a hand beneath the stream. “Tell me if the temperature suits you.” 

Hank reaches a little hand into the water, pulling it back with a pained shriek as he finds his little fingers scalded. 

That Asshole grabs at something on the trough again, and it makes less steam come from the flowing water. “And now?” 

Hank reaches his hand back out, this time finding the water so soothing and gentle he turns around with little taps of his feet to let it cascade down his back, all the way to the tip of his tail. 

“Wonderful!” That Asshole shouts. “This is a fifty dollar per bottle moisturizing seaweed shampoo, by the way,” he says as he puts a glob of something on Hank’s fur. “So you and your ‘person’ better be damned grateful for it.” 

Hank melts under the water as That Asshole works his fingers through his fur, feeling as warm and cozy as if he were back in his Mama’s pouch. 

“Hell, who am I kidding?” That Asshole says as he smooths hands along Hank’s fur to rinse the bubbles out. “She isn’t grateful for anything. No, I’m certain she’ll waltz right back through that door and find something to complain about, without offering the smallest ‘thank you’ before launching into insults. “And you —” 

Hank feels suddenly thirsty in the heat of the den as the water comes to a stop, dropping his jaw and allowing his tongue to loll out. 

“...You are asking to be served a big bowl of chilled apple juice to cool down after your sauna,” That Asshole huffs as he rises, grabbing a big, soft pelt to wrap around Hank and pat his fur dry. “Try not to mess anything else up as I go fetch it.” 

That Asshole walks away, leaving Hank in the big stone trough. 

Hank decides he wants to follow, but when he tries to claw his way back up the slippery stone, he slides right back down. He knocks over the stuff that That Asshole had rubbed into his fur, making it all pour out and make the surface even slipperier. 

Hank doesn’t give up, instead nudging the pelt up to the base of the ledge and climbing atop it to make himself taller. This time he’s able to reach his arms over the side, and pull himself up to tumble over it to the ground. 

Hank shakes the last bit of water from his fur and prances out of the Grooming And Business Den and back into the Nest Den, finding That Asshole marching in to meet him. 

That Asshole shouts, and nearly trips — barely managing to catch himself, only spilling a few drops of apple juice on himself. 

“Here,” That Asshole says, setting a bowl down on the ground. “Your refreshments.” 

As Hank eagerly laps, That Asshole holds up his own serving of what appears to be apple juice towards Hank, then takes a sip. 

Hank is very glad that That Asshole has figured out how to take his own share when bringing Hank good treats, because Hank is drinking his down so quickly and happily he doesn’t think he could will himself to save leftovers. 

“I’m certain this is all some kind of prank from her, too,” That Asshole mumbles with a suddenly heavy tongue as he turns his apple juice in his hand. “She probably happened upon you on the side of the road today, and loaded you up to dump here just so she could get off on seeing how long I’d indulge her nonsense.” He makes breathy barks as he takes a gulp of his apple juice, just as Hank licks the final drops from his own bowl. “Hank! That’s your name, she says. Odds are she came up with it as she walked through the door.” 

Hank hears his name and pitter patters over to That Asshole with his thirst quenched. He butts his head against That Asshole’s leg then sits back on his hind legs, grabbing his hands up at him. 

“...And now you want to cuddle,” That Asshole says with a long exhale. 

He sets his apple juice down, then bends to pick Hank up and cradle him to his chest. 

Hank finds that he is nice and warm, almost as much as Red. He tucks Hank’s head beneath his chin as he lays back, and his whiskers brush against Hank’s own. Hank thinks this is good, as it’s been a long time since he’s felt another critter’s whiskers against him — for as good and hairy as Red is, her face is almost as bald as an opossum’s tail. 

“You know, Hank,” That Asshole whispers slowly, warmth of his breath falling against Hank’s nose. “You’ve chosen a very difficult, infuriating sinner to be the person you love…” 

Hank doesn’t know what any of this means, but for some reason he feels this means That Asshole must think Red is as good as he does. And that makes him all the happier to curl up on That Asshole’s chest and let his eyelids grow heavy, knowing he is good too. 

“God, just look at what she’s done to me,” That Asshole says as he strokes a hand along Hank’s fur. “I’ve spent the day talking to an opossum, for fuck’s —” 

That Asshole stops and turns his head to the side, speaking no more. His chest begins to rise and fall with slower and slower breaths, and it rocks Hank to sleep before he knows it. 

Hank is once again not sure how long he snoozes, but he knows That Asshole is still sleeping soundly by the time Hank hears loud thudding echoing through the den again. 

This time, the noise doesn’t scare him though, because Red’s good stinks come through the door before she does. 

“Where the hell are —” 

Hank choo choos at Red and lifts his head, seeing she stops in her tracks as she spots them. 

“Well I’ll be,” she whistles with hands on her hips. “Guess I do owe that asshole the honor of me sharing the rainbow trout I reeled in, after all.” 

Red walks over towards Hank and That Asshole, which is very good, because Hank was having a hard time deciding between getting up to greet Red and staying there comfortable. 

Red smiles down at them as she drinks the rest of the apple juice That Asshole left beside his nest, and Hank thinks he was very good for leaving it for Red. 

Red walks over to the other side of the nest and climbs atop it with a gentleness she doesn’t often move with, and throws an arm over That Asshole’s middle to wrap around Hank. 

Hank nuzzles against the crook of her elbow as he closes his eyes again, all too content in his nest with his humans. 

As Hank drifts back to sleep his heart fills with joy at the thought of how lucky he is to have found such a good passel.

[eli-the-bass-guy]

The Quest for a Chattahoochee Bass Part 1:

After failing to catch a Chattahoochee bass at my fourth location I went to a local unnamed fishing/sporting store to ask where I could catch one. They pointed me to the citypark downtown…. Where I fished and had no luck making it the fifth spot with no bass. The shop also mentioned a cold trout stream that historically has the bass but that during this cold water November weather the bass are tough to hook and the trout are overpopulated to the point that they overcrowd upstream bass….

I decided to go to these trout waters to try to catch a Chattahoochee anyway. (6th location)

As I waded downstream I was laughed at by a pair of fishermen decked-out wide-brimmed hat to toe in winter oak camouflage. These dudes looked like they crawled out of a fishing magazine with their thousands of dollars in pro fly-rod casting waders and regalia.

I just quietly plodded past them with my $37.99 Zebco rig decked out in my crocs and Amazon-basic basketball shorts, noting that they weren’t catching anything.

A few minutes later I started catching trout… (no bass). I tried fishing around structures where bass would be but kept either catching trout or having trout chase my bait. Turns out the sports-store guy was right these trout were a nuisance.

The funny thing is that I was catching and having more trout action than the “professionals” who laughed at me.

After wading downstream and nearly back for over a mile and a half I had caught maybe half a dozen trout and had several more “interested” trout that I passed on in my quest for the bass.

The Pesky Trout:

[toffee4you]

A “Peaceful” Mountain Hike

Content: Prefect!reader, GN!reader, reader is distrustful of Jade, platonic, tricked into eating the ‘shrooms (someone please arrest Jade), crackfic, ft. Ace/Deuce/Grim at the end

Jade dialogue: cyan

Prefect dialogue: default color

I don't know how to write in-character dialogue, so enjoy ♡♡

Today was a weekend, a quiet one.. and not exactly an ideal one. You had to catch up on your alchemy homework since Grim ended up spilling your potion over during a fight with Ace. It was tedious work, but a rare moment of peace and quiet since no one else was in the cultivating area of the botanical garden. You hummed to yourself as you picked ingredients for the potion, albeit, having a hard time finding the majority of them. In the midst of your searching, you heard a familiar voice from behind.

“Ah, Prefect... Perfect timing!”

You turned around to see Jade smiling his usual slippery smile, still dusting off a bit of dirt from his lab coat. You didn't like his tone, not one bit.

“Jade Leech? What is it now...”

You sighed, deciding to humor him just this once rather than ignoring him. The moment his smile curled wider upon receiving your attention, you began to regret that decision.

“Oh my, why the distasteful tone? I was simply in the midst of tending to my mushrooms when I spotted you. My heart simply ached upon seeing you waste away your weekend on that project you failed...”

Already, you knew he had another angle here. How did he know you failed your project anyways? You weren't even in the same class!

Rolling your eyes, you turned around to leave, not wanting any part in an event that may end with you working for a whole week at Monstro Lounge. That was, until he started following behind you with his hands folded in front of him. You knew that shady pose anywhere.

“Say, Prefect... I am aware that you may have some misunderstandings about us, but I would not mind helping you with this task of yours for a simple, personal, price. That is--”

You raised an eyebrow and turned abruptly on your heels, nearly getting ready to throw hands with him. He could tell, and thus backed up a few steps while flashing a wide-eyed look of fabricated shock.

“...Now whatever is that reaction for? I simply ask of you to join me during my hiking trip!”

“...A hiking trip?”

So, after some hard consideration, you found yourself trailing behind Jade on a grassy mountain. He helped you finish your project beforehand, which you appreciated, but that also meant no going back. It wasn't as if you needed to anyways, at least not initially. He seemed like an unexpectedly fun person to be around outside of Octavinelle; enthusiastically teaching you about the mountain's flora and fauna, fetching safe, wild-grown fruits for you to try... Maybe, you thought, he was actually a genuinely nice person to be around as long as you're off campus. There was still doubt in your mind, but you decide to place at least a bit of trust in him.

Nearly the whole trip was surprisingly safe. Sure, you were exhausted, but at least you were alive and in one piece—plus, you didn't get forced into any unwanted work. At this point, you were quite relaxed between having your stomach full of the delicious, grilled river trout that Jade caught for lunch and the overall healing experience. Your hands were placed lazily behind your head as you walked at your own pace, with Jade slowing his down to match you.

“You know, Jade? You're actually a pretty cool guy! In fact, I wouldn't mind hanging out more often.”

Jade turned his head with his usual smile, which now seemed more friendly to you than before.

“Is that so? I am glad to hear that, Prefect. I'm even so glad that I'd like to end our trip on a special note...”

This brought back a creeping feeling on you again, but once again, you forced yourself to trust him a little more. Maybe he really was misunderstood because of his associations. Thinking about it now, he was the sanest one in his group, right...?

...

Every positive thought went down the drain when you saw him pull out a handful of mushrooms. You staggered back with your hands up, shaking your head nervously.

“Jade...? What is that? What are you trying to do with those? You just want to plant them together... Right...?”

Without a word, he stepped forward, still grinning at you...and it seemed like a shady grin once more.

You were about to turn your back to him and run, but he swiftly caught you and popped a mushroom down your mouth. Good thing it was a small one, or else you would have choked on it.

“Hmm... I heard this mushroom has quite a few special properties to it despite being edible. Could you tell me what you're feeling right now, Prefect?... Prefect? Oh my, it seems to have...”

And the next thing you saw was the heads of your two friends and a pair of familiar ears. It seems you were back in Ramshackle again, with Ace and Deuce bickering while Grim noticed you waking up.

You rubbed your aching head, letting out a huff of exhaustion. Cold sweats, body aches, fatigue... yeah, those effects were “special” alright. Your friends went silent after seeing you in such a condition, slowly turning to look at you. They wanted an explanation, and you'd definitely owe it to them later.

“...Ace, Deuce, Grim... If Jade EVER asks you to hike with him, don't. go.”

[garbagefarm]

Mutucule Farm #16

2023-04-24, Session #16 of Mutucule Farm! Ranging from Summer 4—11, Year 2!

Cast:

me (@mothmute)

Belle (@snacco)

Cam (@amanitaspore)

Erin (@salamand3rin)

Highlights include, but are not limited to:

pre-game discussions—

Cam’s gotta leave early tonight ... but he’s about ready to put a pendant on Emily, what happens if he proposes and leaves?

doing a little ASMR

Erin said she’d be late and to start without her, “which is fine ‘cause she has no real responsibilities anyway” (this is not true)

oh right, I’m married to Penny!

Belle changes out of her wedding outfit

Cam embezzles some money. Cambezzling, if you will

definitely making Potato Juice for Pam, not hard liquor

Caroline wishes Pierre would make dinner. girl, leave him!!

Pig #8! Suggested name was “Chinley”, which is quite good, but this is Constable

(Belle gets a steel watering can)

why are there so many broken glasses around Pelican Town??

we later speculate maybe there was a manufacturer around here that shut down

Belle gives Jas some ice cream, which was definitely for her birthday and not just good timing......

Cam claims to be capable of focusing and organizing??

after a side-by-side price test, raw iridium truffles are the way to go, at least ‘til somebody gets Artisan and boosts the oil’s value

Found a super meal in a crate! It did not come with a baja blast.

Cam successfully answers the ghost’s riddles and gets a mermaid’s pendant!

oh right, summer means luau, luau means sturgeon!

Belle struggles in the grub hub

this crab doesn’t want Belle to kill it. which is fair, really,

Erin is planning on rooming with Krobus someday

is not trying to get “Krobussy” (to quote Belle)

Impromptu fish-off with Cam!! (I lose)

A train is passing through stardew valley??

oh. all passengers. disappointing.

wait, how late are sturgeon open? ‘til 7? okay I’ll come back tomorrow

Erin can’t be seen with me, my not-hat is too ugly

We’re unable to process enough “Potato Juice” for Pam. MISSION FAILED oh no!

There was a quest to catch a bunch of Rainbow Trout and we come up one short, alas, MISSION FAILED again (Rainbow Trout are also only open ‘til 7)

Erin finds a dino egg!!

Cam caught their own Sturgeon, but says having one from me would be more meaningful, so alright, back to the fish-mines for graded fish

Trufflebucks making real money. Cheese money? Not real anymore, the money goalposts have been moved.

... items have been placed in the town lost and found??? what?

finding a diamond in the trash can near Joja??

Belle steps away, and we absolutely did not talk about imprisoning her somehow

Cam has to say goodnight early :(

The worst thing about dust sprites is when they run away, ‘cause then I feel bad about killing them. They’re afraid!

Wizard wants ectoplasm!

Stardrop from Krobus! It reminds me of Synthesizers...

Sebastian tells Belle about how welcome he feels here! ... as he stands in the corner, in the dark

Krobus said something about the conditions in the sewers being just perfect, I wonder if they’re related?

(nobody checked the lost and found......)

I continue to fund the pigs, the corruption goes all the way to the top

while Erin still lives in squalor!

time to do some ghost-hunting!!

less like those TV shows where they try to get recordings, and more like hunting

“gotta hunt ghosts to feed my family” “have you heard of this show called Supernatural?”

non-canon shirt?

TO-DO:

Luau!

Currently at 8/12 hogs...

House upgrades! Tool upgrades! Coop upgrades!

“Better fences, better pastures” is still on the list, oops

Still gotta do some bundles!!

Cam needs to propose to Emily!

also I still need 1 cloth so I can make the non-canon shirt, canon

(more Krobus stardrops for everybody, we’ve got spending money)

[paper-window]

12/1/24 purgatory is a midday flight from JFK to LAX ... or the drive down I-5S into LA

5:09PM We're going back to LA, passing through the farms that split the 101 and the 5, and as J drives, I drift in and out of sleep. I catch glimpses of the sky and try to fight the drowsiness; since winter came I've seen so little of the sun that I thought I should try to look at the sky while it's light whenever I can, but my body feels weak. I sense things, but just barely -

golden listening to Cocteau Twins winter in California is never barren, it's greener than summer a rolling fog over the reservoir made reflective by the setting sun, or is it smoke? humming motors and squeaking wheels

At my mother's house, Thanksgiving is usually a guaranteed fistfight. J's first time meeting her was a thanksgiving weekend five or six years ago, and her eyes were so cold we left early. Another year, glasses thrown, shouting until she was hoarse. All of them left in tears. This year was somewhat quieter, like the strain of the years had finally started to hold her back. The house was quieter, but it was still so cold.

My sisters stay stuck in time. One has started talking to herself, and every so often her sweet facade cracks a little to spill a little anxiety, a little delusion out, and I am reminded of that my mother doesn't believe in mental illness, only mental weakness. Another brought home a new boyfriend, and like clockwork, he was accused the next morning. The youngest is fine, but I've never been able to read her.

--

The drive home is several hours longer than it normally would be - there was a pothole in the road somewhere along the Grapevine, and so J and I sat in a purgatorial silence as the radio splitted in and out. I tried checking the Kings score. It was dark. It was December 1. Time had passed so quickly, again, for the thousandth time, for the ten thousandth time, and I felt an anxious annoyance rising inside for failing to grasp it before November had already gone. Suddenly I felt frenetic with desire for specific things - a shop Christmas tree to read by in the corner of a bookstore, the kind we see less and less of every year in LA, a hot chocolate, women's Bode dripping with sequins and beads, holiday party trout dip and roe, holding hands with my friends. The end of Thanksgiving weekend has a way of illuminating how unprepared I am every year for the season, despite how desperately I always want to capture a feeling I haven't felt since I was seventeen...

Suddenly the standstill shakes and we are thirty minutes from home. Jamie XX's new album filters through the stale air inside the car, and I feel a little better for it.

[drugstoreglitter]

        no matter what time sleep takes hold of her, frankie wakes with the sun, a habit that’s followed her since the second grade, when she’d wake up with the dawn to run track before school, or head down to the beach to catch the first trout with leo before the tourists were awake. she’s meant to be in the spare bed, but for the last two nights she’s woken in val’s, curled around her like a pretzel so she can ignore the fact that she doesn’t want to sleep alone. in prague, nobody watches the show. they’re way too cool, plus their lives are sort of interesting, which has made the whole getting over miles thing feel easier. last night had followed a pretty standard structure that most seemed to follow post frexit. she’d start the night on a high hyped up by her homegirls, gloria gaynor, dolly and cher as val perfected her cat eye, trying different combos of denim cut-offs and cowboy boots, bodysuits cast off as either too slutty or not slutty enough. when they got to the club, she’d drink herself stupid, scream-sing to beyonce’s survivor, dance on the tables, or in the cage if they had one, feel like her body was plugged up like an ECG to val’s decks, though that was probably just the mandy. then would come the disappointment, the long meandering toilet queue conversations where people with zero perspective on the situation would tactlessly declare he’s not worth it, hun to her choked up declarations that nobody’s ever got me like he got me. most nights would end with her head in a toilet bowl or else being tossed out of a taxi for ruining the upholstery. the villa’s stingy measures have annihilated her tolerance. there was a time when she would’ve drunk a whole football team under the table. she wants to find that girl again.

        when val stirs, there’s already a cup of coffee waiting for her on the nightstand, frankie sipping on her own ( with a shot of whiskey in it, the way she’s grown accustomed to it, the way miles used to make them ) part-way through a non-fiction book about ayahuasca and the indigenous shaman in peru. she’d found it noseying through val’s stuff.   “ sor-reeey… slept in your bed again, ”  frankie starts, from what she’s begun to think of as her side of the bed, glitter still clinging beneath her eyes. “ you gonna spank me and send me to the chokey ? ”  she’d ask if she’d hogged the blankets, except she’d been too hot to sleep under them, kicking them off whenever val tucked her back in, and opening all the windows half way through the night for some semblance of air.  “ be honest. how terrible was i last night ? ”  she means at the club, and at the takeout  ( where she’d sob-cried her apologies to vegan val for loading her fries up with cheese ) , and in the taxi ride home watching youtube fail compilations on full volume, and not the lady macbeth sleepwalking skit, but she supposes that, too.  “ max’s plane lands in like an hour, dude. i don’t know if he text you already, but i gave him this address. fifty bucks says he sleeps through his stop and ends up in romania. ”    @vongosh​

[ffxivfisher]

FSH in patch notes (4.x)

4.0: - [4.x] When playing as a class over level 60, rewards for tradecraft leves and fishing fieldcraft leves below level 60 will be greatly reduced. - [2.x][3.x][4.x] New aquarium fishes have been added. - [2.x][4.x] The challenge log has been adjusted as follows: New categories have been added. Spear me: Spear 50 fish. Spear me (HQ): Spear 20 high-quality fish. - [4.x] Spearfishing has been added. Spearfishing can be conducted underwater by aiming your gig at fish in teeming waters. Spearfishing can be unlocked by completing the following side quest: A New Fishing Ex-spear-ience How to Spearfish: 1. Equip your spearfishing gig, then dive underwater and use the actions "Fathom" or "Shark Eye" to identify the location of teeming waters. 2. Target the teeming waters. 3. After target the teeming waters, wait for bubbles appear. 4. When bubbles appear, a sea creature will approach and you can use your gig to spear it. 5. Successfully speared fish will be added to your inventory. 6. In the event you fail to spear anything, you may try again so long as the teeming waters have not been fully depleted. 7. Replacing the head of your gig will allow you to spear a larger variety of fish. You can quit spearfishing at any time by hitting the escape key, the cancel button, or using the cancel action. Similar to fishing, all fish you spear will be recorded in your Fishing Log, Fish Guide, and your Records. * When certain conditions are met, swimming shadows will appear in teeming waters. Spearfishing Gigs There are three types of gig heads, each of which will allow you to spear different kinds of fish. Players can swap between gig heads using the Gig Head action. Gigs can be purchased from NPCs upon unlocking spearfishing. Teeming Waters Teeming Waters where spearfishing can be conducted have been added. - Actions: Fathom (61), Shark Eye (61), Gig (61), Gig Head (61), Veteran Trade (63), Calm Waters (64), Shark Eye II (65), Truth of Oceans (66), Salvage (67), Bountiful Catch (68), Nature's Bounty (69) - Traits: Auto Fathom (61), Fish Whisperer (63) * Certain traits and actions can be obtained upon completing Class Quests. - [2.x] The following adjustments have been made to Fishing: AAA records can now be obtained from all fishing spots listed in the Fishing Log. EXP granted to level 50-60 fishers catching fish from fishing locations equivalent to their level has been increased. Players can now use consumable items while waiting for fish to bite. The following actions can now be used during mooching opportunities. Please note, however, that using the following actions will result in the loss of your mooching opportunity: Chum, Fish Eyes, Patience, Patience II - [2.x][4.x] New fishing holes have been added. * Please note that not all locations listed in the Fishing Guide will be accessible in patch 4.0. - [3.x][4.x] New Tomes of Regional Folklore have been added. - [2.x] The Actions & Traits interface has been adjusted as follows: Fisher actions have been added to the Additional tab.

4.01: - [4.x] New Items: Stonefly Larva, Blue Bobbit

4.05: - [4.x] The difficulty of acquiring fish in fishing fieldcraft leves has been reduced. - Bug fix: An issue when playing fisher at level 69 wherein provisioning missions would request fish from a fishing hole players could not access at their current level. - Bug fix: An issue when using the fisher actions Patience and Patience II wherein the fisher actions Precision Hookset and Powerful Hookset did not properly apply their effects when fishing for the following fish: Steelhead Trout, Padjali Loach, Heather Charr, Nogoi, Yellow Prismfish, Blue Prismfish, Seraphim, Hak Bitterling, Harutsuge, Hanatatsu - Bug fix: An issue when fishing wherein the incorrect line tug animation was triggered when a fish was on the line. The following fish were affected: Golden Cichlid, Abalathian Bitterling, Mirage Chub, Tail Mountains Minnow, Killifish, Yat Goby, Samurai Fish, Tao Bitterling, Ala Mhigan Ribbon, Sweatfish, Whitehorse, Steelshark, Deep Velodyna Carp

4.1: - [4.x] New aquarium fish have been added. - [4.x] The fisher skill Fathom is no longer required to activate Truth of Oceans. - [4.x] New fish have been added to level 61-70 fishing locations. - [4.x] New spearfishing locations have been added to the Ruby Sea. - [4.x] The location of swimming shadows in the Ruby Sea and Yanxia have been adjusted. - [4.x] The success rate for reeling in certain fish in Stormblood areas has been increased. - Bug fix: An issue wherein the fisher status Truth of Oceans could not be cancelled under certain conditions.

4.2: - [2.x] New aquarium fish have been added. - [4.x] New fishes are available at level 62 to 70 fishing holes. - [2.x][3.x] The chance of successfully reeling in fishes has been increased at fishing holes in 2.0 and 3.0 areas. - [2.x] Adjustments have been made to the order of items shown in the Fishing Tackle menu. - Bug fix: An issue wherein fishing was possible in areas without water in Limsa Lominsa: Lower Decks.

4.3: - [2.x] New aquarium fish have been added.(First time the new fish are not listed.) - [4.x] New fish have been added. - [4.x] All fishing locations on the Azim Steppe are now level 60. * The levels of spearfishing locations have not been adjusted. The following adjustments have also been made to accommodate this change: Salmon roe can now be used as bait at Azim Steppe fishing locations. Timeworn maps can no longer be obtained from Azim Steppe fishing locations. - [4.x] A log message will now display upon commencing fishing or spearfishing at locations where quest-related creatures can be caught. - [4.x] The number of fish that must be caught before swimming shadows appear has been reduced. - Bug fix: An issue wherein the icon for the fisher action “Auto Fathom” appeared incorrectly. - Bug fix: An issue wherein ”Miounnefish” could not be fished by mooching the “Balloon Frog” at Timmon Beck within The Fringes.

4.4: - [2.x] New aquarium fishes have been added. - [4.x] A new fishing hole has been added to the Doman Enclave. * Unlike other fishing holes, this will not appear in the fishing log. - [4.x] New fish have been added. - [4.x] The success rate for the following fish has been increased: Rainbow Killifish, Grass Shrimp - [4.x] The rate at which spiritbond accumulates when spearfishing at swimming shadows has been increased. - [4.x] The fishing log now displays the conditions necessary to catch certain fish. This includes information on fish you have not yet caught. * Conditions for some rare fish are not displayed.

4.5: - [2.x] New aquarium fishes have been added. - [4.x] New fish have been added.

4.56: - [4.x] New big fish have been added to fishing spots in the Gyr Abania and Othard regions.

[derangedrhythms]

hi! i love your blog i think it's super wonderful! i was wondering if you have any quotes or poems on loving someone doesn't love you back? thank you!

Thank you, that’s incredibly sweet 🖤

Edna St. Vincent Millay, 'Sweet love, sweet thorn, when lightly to my heart'

Carol Ann Duffy, 'Warming Her Pearls'

Walt Whitman, 'Sometimes With One I Love'

Sara Teasdale, 'Debt', 'The Look', 'Union Square', 'Less Than The Cloud To The Wind'

A. E. Housman, 'He would not stay for me, and who can wonder'

Anne Sexton, 'The Love Plant'

Emily Dickinson, 'Heart! We will forget him!'

John Donne, 'Love's Deity'

"And my suffering heart hears / Secret news of the one far away. / I know: he lives, he breathes, / He has the audacity not to grieve."

— Anna Akhmatova, Rosary: I, tr. Judith Hemschemeyer

"There is only one story: / he loved her, / then stopped loving her, / while she did not / stop loving him. / There is only one story: / she loved him, / then stopped loving him, / while he did not / stop loving her. / The truth is simple: / you do not die / from love. / You only wish / you did."

— Erica Jong, Ordinary Miracles; 'There Is Only One Story'

"Hippolytus: Fuck someone else imagine it’s me. Shouldn’t be difficult, everyone looks the same when they come.

Phaedra: Not when they burn you."

— Sarah Kane, Complete Plays; from 'Phaedra's Love'

"I have so much and my feeling for her devours everything, I have so much and without her everything is nothing."

"Oh the gap, the fearful gap, I feel it here in my breast!—Often I think if once, just once, I could press her to my heart the gap would all be filled."

— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, from ‘The Sorrows of Young Werther’, tr. David Constantine

"My heart still heavy with rejected sighs, / And tears which could not move him in my eyes."

"You hated me the more; I loved no less,"

— Jean Racine, from 'Phaedra', tr. Richard Wilbur

"Sometimes I turn around and catch the smell of you and I cannot go on I cannot fucking go on without expressing this terrible so fucking awful physical aching fucking longing I have for you. And I cannot believe that I can feel this for you and you feel nothing. Do you feel nothing?"

— Sarah Kane, Complete Plays; from '4:48 Psychosis'

"and I loved you many other times / and I have been, for months, / trying to drown it, / to push it under, / to keep its great red tongue / under like a fish, / but wherever I look they are on fire, / the bass, the bluefish, the wall-eyed flounder / blazing among the kelp and seaweed / like many suns battering up the waves / and my love stays bitterly glowing, / spasms of it will not sleep, / and I am helpless and thirsty and need shade / but there is no one to cover me–"

— Anne Sexton, 45 Mercy Street; 'Divorce'

"Spinning like a ghost / on the bottom of a / top, / I'm haunted by all / the space that I / will live without / you."

— Richard Brautigan, Trout Fishing in America; 'Boo, Forever'

"The love which has its course barred, and fails to reach its fulfilment, acquires a particularly strong hold over the human heart. The sparks of a vital desire burst into flame at the very moment when the desire is finally blocked in its path."

— Bruno Snell, from 'The Discovery of the Mind: In Greek Philosophy and Literature'

"We lie side by side, both suffering from unrequited love."

— Margaret Atwood, Dancing Girls and Other Stories; from 'The Grave of the Famous Poet'

[tomicaleto]

Okay so this one is for @tennessoui who requested 31 and 20 from this double prompt drabble game, except this is not a drabble because it turned into 1595 words lol 

So, this is an obikin AU with several things mixed together such as a. they were both padawans at the same time, b. Ahsoka is Anakin’s master in this and Qui-Gon was Obi-Wan’s, c. their age difference is only a couple of years now, and finally my favourite: d. this is during the High Republic Era. 

With all that context, let’s go! 

31 - Lost in the middle of nowhere and 20 - “Don’t tell me what to do.”

“I want you to know that I’ll put this as your fault in my report to the Council.” Obi-Wan said, his tone snarky as he wiped the sweat on his forehead with the back of his hand. A couple of steps before him, Anakin rolled his eyes and threw his padawan braid over his shoulder, unaware of Obi-Wan’s eyes following the movement. 

They had been assigned on a mission together, and had just been returning to Coruscant when they had to crash-land as one of the engines of their ship had failed.  A quick look at the ship once revealed the failure had most likely been an attempt to sabotage them. Perhaps it had been the job of a pirate or a bounty hunter, as Jedi were worth a small fortune for those who managed to catch one. 

When Anakin had been brought to the temple, one of the first things he had been taught by his master had been how to avoid being captured and the second, how to escape if that happened. But that didn’t change the fact that the engine was busted, and Anakin had no way of repairing it with what they had. So instead, Obi-Wan had proposed to set up the communication system of the ship and use their Jedi Vectors to amplify the signal, hoping it would reach either Coruscant or the Starlight Beacon. 

And after that had been done, Obi-Wan had not stopped nagging at Anakin and his piloting skills. They had basically grown up together, Obi-Wan just a couple of years older than Anakin. But with his recent Knighting ceremony, it felt like Obi-Wan had become another person all together. Gone was the mischievous padawan that used to help Anakin sneak away from the temple.

Anakin knew he shouldn’t complain too much about it, knew that his own Knighting ceremony couldn’t be too far, master Ahsoka had already hinted to him she had been talking with the Council about it. That Obi-Wan had worked really hard to convince his own master to finally Knight him. That his friend was only trying to live up to his self-imposed expectations of what an exemplary Jedi Knight should be like. 

But that didn’t mean Anakin didn’t miss his friend. 

He shook his head and continued forward. They had decided to look for some fresh water and some food to eat. Anakin had spotted some insect species that were known across the galaxy for their high protein levels, and would have been satisfied with eating those but Obi-Wan’s flashing grimace made him sigh and offer to go looking for some fruit or fish to cook. 

Obi-Wan really was the worst picky eater, he thought fondly, always preferring Anakin’s simple meals over any too adventurous. It brought a blush over his cheeks and he tried to push the thoughts away. “How is this my fault, I wasn’t the one that destroyed the engine!” Obi-Wan finally caught up to him, frowning. “Well, you are the pilot, isn’t that your duty, checking everything is fine before taking off?”      

Anakin spluttered and snarked back “Well, you are the Jedi Knight, so you are the higher rank and so technically this would be your responsibility.” 

They quickly began arguing after that, going over the same arguments they had already used since their landing. Twenty minutes later, they were both fuming, a clear angry silence surrounding them. 

But at least they had managed to catch some sweet berries, a couple of funny-shaped fungi Obi-Wan declared safe to eat and what appeared to be a pink type of trout. There was no news waiting for them one they arrived at the communication system, so Anakin went looking for some cooking utensils as Obi-Wan got the fire ready. 

The meal calmed their appetites and lifted their moods, turning their previously angry silence into a comfortable one. 

“We should spar.” Anakin proposed, standing up and grabbing his lightsaber. “C’mon, it’s been so long since we’ve done it!” 

It didn’t take long for Obi-Wan to agree and soon their lightsabers were clashing against each other. They were well matched, Obi-Wan’s new prefered form, Soresu, the perfect contrast to Anakin’s latest appeal for Djem-So. And yet, both found themselves slipping into Ataru, Anakin trying to break Obi-Wan’s defence and Obi-Wan out of habit. 

And then Obi-Wan began correcting Anakin’s form. Nothing too out of the ordinary, just a “put your right foot closer”, “don’t arc too far back” and similar things. 

At first, Anakin managed to shrug them off, but the longer they went, the tighter he pressed his teeth together and the angrier he got. 

“Stop it.” He muttered, but Obi-Wan didn’t catch it. And when the next correction came, Anakin exploded. He pushed Obi-Wan back with the Force, not enough to hurt him but enough to make him lose his footing and fall on his ass. “Don’t tell me what to do!” 

His breathing was hard and his eyes wet with frustrated tears. From the ground, Obi-Wan gaped at him, and then he, clearly baffled, said: “I wasn’t trying to.” 

“Yes, you were! You’ve been acting like that since you’ve been Knighted! I hate it!” Obi-Wan stood up and frowned. “A Jedi does not hate…“

“Stop it!” He screamed again. “See, this is exactly what I meant! You keep acting like that!”

Finally, Obi-Wan snapped back. “Like what, Anakin?” His eyes had turned cold, something only happened when he was growing frustrated himself. 

“Like you’re better than me! Ugh, you’re so annoying Obi-Wan! Ever since you’ve been Knighted, you keep putting this wall between us, like you’re now so far away from me! I want the old Obi-Wan back!” His voice finally broke on the last word, a sob caught on his throat that only further embarrassed him. He turned away from Obi-Wan and switched off his lightsaber. 

Calming down took longer, several breaths in and out, something his master had taught him when he was still young. He was so focused on that that he missed Obi-Wan getting closer. 

“I haven’t been pushing you away.” Obi-Wan said.  

Anakin snorted, the sound coming out like a new sob. “Yes, you have. You keep acting like you’re all grown up now. And keep scolding me. For the stupidest things.” 

Obi-Wan stayed quiet for a couple of seconds. “I just wanted to help you.” Anakin turned a bit, enough to see Obi-Wan’s own conflicted expression. “Master Tano mentioned you’re close to your knighting and I thought that maybe I could give you advice.” Anakin turned around completely, but it was now Obi-Wan the one that kept avoiding his eyes. 

Anakin was sure he could see a hint of a blush under the beard Obi-Wan had begun to grow. “I was so excited that you were going to be Knighted, Anakin, finally we could both be assigned on more missions together! And then I remembered how anxious I was when Master Qui-Gon told me he was planning to propose my Knighting to the Council so I requested a mission together.” 

He had begun speaking faster, something he had usually done when he was nervous. Obi-Wan was rambling. Anakin stared at him, confused. Obi-Wan had asked for a mission together? “You requested a mission with me?” He asked, his voice unusually even. 

Obi-Wan fell abruptly quiet. Anakin got closer. “Obi-Wan?” 

“I thought you knew.” He answered. 

“How would I even know that?” Anakin shot back. 

Obi-Wan bit his lip, clearly stopping himself from bickering back. “It doesn’t matter anymore, I ruined it.” 

Anakin scoffed. “I’ll be the judge of that, thank you.” He said, pointing at Obi-Wan’s chest with his finger. “Ugh, we’re such a mess,” he added. “I thought I had been assigned randomly and that you thought I was a burden.” 

Obi-Wan’s eyes widened and he grabbed Anakin’s still extended finger. “Anakin, you have never been a burden to me.” He clarified, his tone so fervent Anakin felt a blush take over his cheeks. 

Alright, so maybe he didn’t miss Obi-Wan’s friendship only. Who could blame him anyways? Obi-Wan was his closest friend and had grown up to become a handsome man in the last couple of years. And Anakin wasn’t blind, he had noticed. 

His blush wasn’t lost on Obi-Wan either, his eyes focused on him, clearly looking for a sign in Anakin’s face. “I can prove it to you,” Obi-Wan said, clearly having found the answer he was looking for. His tone had lowered, a hint of danger in it, making Anakin feel like a caught prey. 

He swallowed, with Obi-Wan following the movement before the Knight stepped even further into Anakin’s personal space. It made Anakin’s stomach clench and his heart skip a beat before racing trying to catch up. “Y-you really don’t have to prove anything, Obi-Wan, really, I trust your word as a Jedi Knight and---” 

Obi-Wan pressed their lips together, biting softly at Anakin’s lower lip until he opened his mouth. He kissed like he had been waiting to do it for years, and Anakin wasn’t sure he hadn’t. Obi-Wan pulled him closer with his free hand and Anakin melted into him, a whine swallowed by Obi-Wan’s hungry mouth. 

Eventually, they broke apart, gasping for air. Obi-Wan smiled cheekily at Anakin’s flushed face and swollen lips. “See, darling, you just need to stay quiet and let me show you.”

Pressing as close as he could, Anakin pouted, his mind delighted when Obi-Wan’s focus shifted to his lips again, and said: “I told you not to tell me what to do.” And then he kissed Obi-Wan again. 

Hope you enjoy! And thank you Kit for sending these! ❤

[d-l-dare]

“Hooked”

The summer can be the perfect time to get away, to unwind while kicking your feet into the cool water while the hot sun is beaming down on you. But what if the bright summer sky was hiding behind it something even darker?

I had been waiting for today all week. They'd finally opened the stream up for fishing. I was a little upset at the fact they'd decided to raise prices, but I didn't care, it was a nice day outside and I wasn't about to waste it sitting inside when I could be fishing.

With my tacklebox in hand and my fishing pole in the other, I made my way to my truck. I threw everything in the back seat. I was about to head to the driver's seat but hesitated when I thought about bringing my cooler. I had one in the back ready for fish, as well as housing some canisters of worms. But what if I brought one along for some drinks?

After a few moments I decided it might not be the greatest idea. It would be too much to carry and I didn't trust anyone that'd be out there fishing next to me if I needed to make a second trip. So I climbed into into my dark green pickup truck and headed out, onto the road and down to the creek.

*** Upon arrival, I looked around the gravel parking lot and didn't see but two other vehicles besides mine. I was surprised there weren't more people there.

Perhaps they'd all decided swimming, or going out on a boat to fish, would be more exciting than sitting with your fishing pole and catching fish. I didn't blame them though, if I had a boat I'd absolutely take it out and fish on it. There's more privacy in that.

After paying the toll to get in, I grabbed everything I needed from the back seat and headed down the short gravel trail toward the creek.

When I arrived I saw one other man sitting down by some rocks near the shore. He took a sip of his beer as he held onto the pole with his other hand. He looked up at me and waved with the hand that had a beer in it. I waved back, nodding my head slightly. After that awkward exchange, I continued my way down the dirt trail until I came across the perfect spot to sit and cast out.

I sat on a boulder that stood where the the water trails in from the side and turns to be straight from where I'm sitting. I knew it'd be the perfect place, it's where the fish would swim in from. I felt like a jerk for sitting here, but if I'm going to be honest, I don't care. I just want a fish or two to take home and fry up. I can't remember the last time I had any good trout.

As I waded my feet in the cool water, I was thankful I'd found a spot that had trees overlooking the water. Sure it was a nightmare to cast out, but it blocked out the sun, which was currently directly in front of me. I'd rather not be blinded by it when I'm trying to enjoy myself.

I cast my line out after a few failed attempts to catch anything. I made the mistake of casting it out too far, I couldn't see where it had gone.

I tried pulling the line back in but it felt like it was caught on something. Damn it! I cursed to myself. How could I have been dumb enough to get my hook stuck? I guess it was inevitable with all these trees. Why do they even have this many trees around this fishing place anyway?

I tugged on the line in hopes of seeing the tree it was stuck on. It wasn't budging. I pulled harder but the results were the same. None of the trees I could make out were moving even slightly as I pulled.

Sighing, I decided to give it one more hard tug before cutting the line and grabbing another hook. I pulled as hard as I could, almost fearing I might break the fishing pole. Suddenly, it snapped back. Whatever it was caught on, it was free now. That or the line broke. Either way I was reeling it in as fast as I could. No matter what I knew I'd have to replace the hook on the line.

As I started pulling it in I noticed a pink cloth was attached to the hook. As it came closer, I stared in horror as I realized what it was. It was a person's skin.

[ladycatofwinterfell]

A new marriage and an old one, pt5

Summary: Robb is getting married and Catelyn has been married for many years. This is a happy story about the Starks (mostly Ned and Cat, but also the others) that takes place in a world where AGoT never happened and they’re all living happily in Winterfell.

Rating: I’d say mature, but message me if it should be changed.

~*~

When Catelyn opened her eyes the morning of the wedding she was met by the sight of Ned standing in front of the high windows. He had pulled back the heavy curtains to let in the first light of the sun, as he did every morning. Ned had always been a light sleeper, and always an early riser. No matter how late he went to bed, he always woke at the first light. Even though the curtains didn’t even let any sunlight into the bedchamber. Catelyn had never understood how he did it.

“Good morning, husband” she yawned.

The furs and blankets fell off her when she sat up and stretched and she made no attempt to pull them back over her. He turned to her and the corners of his mouth turned upwards when he saw her.

“Good morning, wife” he said.

She leaned back against the headboard. Drank deep of the sight of him. She had seen him in all sorts of lights. In daylight and moonlight and rainbow light. And so had many others. But Ned standing in the first sun rays of the day was different. She liked to think that that sight was for her eyes only.

He came over to the bed again and sat down next to her, leaned towards her and kissed her forehead. 

“Did you sleep well?” she smiled.

“I slept very well. I’ve been dreaming of you all night.”

Something in his eyes changed, they turned a shade darker. She moved closer to him on the bed and laid a hand on his thigh.

“What did I do in your dream?” she asked.

She had a guess, but she wanted to hear him say it. Wanted him to tell her what she had done in his dream. She always liked it when he voiced his desires.

He kissed her on the lips and she raised a hand to his cheek, then slowly moved it back to his neck.

“Oh, that wouldn't be appropriate to speak of” he said when he pulled back.

“Can you show me then?” she whispered, resting her forehead against his.

He kissed her once more. She laid her arms around his. neck and pressed herself closer to him, immediately feeling her body respond to the kiss. He was so warm, so familiar and real. She sighed softly into his mouth when his hand went between her legs and stroke her through her nightgown and smallclothes. The feeling shot straight through her and she instinctively moved her hips against his hand, desperate for more contact, more of that feeling. He broke the kiss and gently pushed her to lay on her back on the bed and placed himself between her legs.

Then the door to the chamber swung open with a bang. Catelyn and Ned barely had time to disentangle themselves from each other before Lyanna and Hoster had climbed up on the bed.

“Robb told us to wake you!” Lyanna said loudly. “He says you need to get up!”

Fortunately they hadn’t seemed to notice what had been about to happen in the bed.

“He is very grumpy, he almost shouted at us!” Hoster added.

Robb was like his father, an early riser. So the early morning was not the cause for his bad temper. Wedding nerves, Catelyn guessed. Or perhaps he had slept badly. She had not slept very well the night before her wedding. Maybe she had also been grumpy the morning of the ceremony, she didn’t remember. It had been so long since that and almost as long since it had stopped mattering.

“What have we said about coming in unannounced?” Catelyn asked.

It was, unfortunately, not the first time it happened. The children had a knack for not knocking, and that easily led to embarrassing and annoying situations.

“Robb said we didn’t need to knock!” Lyanna said. “He really did, I promise!”

“I’m sure he did” Ned said in a gruff voice.

Catelyn chuckled and leaned over to kiss his cheek.

“We’ll have all the time in the world later” she whispered.

She needed it as much as he did, she could still feel how it had felt when he touched her. And they hadn’t done anything since they decided to try for another child. They had been too occupied during the days to have time for it and too tired in the nights to have energy for it. But soon it would be over and things would be a little less hectic.

“Well, we better get up then” Ned said and smiled. “We have a big day ahead of us.”

Robb would be a married man the next time she saw Ned in the first light. She wished that Margaery would get to see her husband in the first light of the next day. And many days after that.

~*~

“You look beautiful, my lady!”

“Thank you, Imeyna” Catelyn said.

She had got ready for the ceremony in a hurry so that she could then go and help Margaery together with her mother, Lady Alerie. But Imeyna and Mahild had done a splendid job with her, if she could say so herself. She would almost go as far as to say that she had not looked so good since her own wedding. She was much older, she had changed so much. Both physically and mentally. But when she looked at herself she knew that she wouldn’t change a thing if she was given the chance. The wrinkles in the corners of her eyes and mouth were from laughing with people she loved. Her belly was not as flat as it had been twenty years prior because she had carried eight children. Her breasts were not as firm as they had been because she had nursed her brilliant children. She was not young anymore, not as pretty as she had been. But she was happy and pleased with herself just the way she was. And she had never felt more beautiful.

She wore a rich purple gown with silver embroideries that spiraled around the bodice. Ned had given it to her for her nameday a few years prior, and she loved it so much, but she had never felt that any occasion was special enough to wear it. Until that day. Her long hair was half down, half braided into a bun in northern fashion. Not very elaborate, but still pretty. Around her neck was a silver necklace with a blue stone shaped in the form of a leaping trout. It was over all a quite simple look compared to the southern ladies of court in King’s Landing, but it was beautiful.

“Can I come in?”

She stood with her back to the door, but she would know that voice anywhere.

“Of course!” Catelyn said.

When she turned around and met his eyes he stopped dead in his tracks and just stared at her. She smiled at him.

“Isn’t the lady magnificent, my lord?” Mahild asked.

Catelyn suspected that she was quite satisfied with her work. She had all rights to be, but Ned didn’t answer, he looked like he hadn’t even heard Mahild. He just continued staring at her, with his mouth slightly opened. Catelyn had to hold back a laugh, he looked a bit strange. But she could also feel herself blushing, he had never stared at her like that. He often complimented her, told her of how beautiful and brilliant she was, but she couldn’t recall any time when she had truly left him speechless.

“Close your mouth, my love” she smiled.

He actually did close his mouth then, but he still said nothing.

“I think he’s gone” Catelyn said with a chuckle. “You did a too good job, girls.”

“I’ve never seen Lord Stark like this” Imeyna said, waving her hand in the air to catch Ned’s attention.

She failed.

“Me neither” Catelyn said and shrugged. “Well, thank you both. You have done a wonderful job. You may leave, but I need to get some sense into my lord.”

They curtsied and threw Ned another glance as they left the room. And that’s when Ned returned to the room.

“That’s the gown I gave you” he stated.

“That’s correct” Catelyn said. “Does it look good on me?”

She spun around a lap so that he could see all of it.

“Good?” he asked in a tone that suggested that she was stupid. “You are the most beautiful woman in the world! I can’t with words describe how magnificent you are, Cat.”

She felt like she was a young maiden again, blushing at every compliment she received from a man.

“Thank you” she almost whispered.

What had came over her? She looked down at the floor, tried to get herself together.

“You will put all the other women to shame” Ned continued.

“I assure you of that there’s no need to flatter me with lies” she said. 

There would be younger and far more beautiful women at the feast. Margaery, for example. Catelyn felt about as beautiful as an old boot next to her. But when she looked at Ned she saw no hints to that he was lying, he looked at her as if though she was truly the most beautiful woman in the world.

He came over to her and cupped her face with his hands, looked deeply into her eyes. She saw nothing but love in those eyes.

“And I assure you of that I’m not lying. I have never met a woman more magnificent than you. You are beautiful from the inside to the outside, and I don’t know what I did to deserve such a perfect wife.”

“Oh Ned” Catelyn sighed.

She didn’t know what else to say. He made her feel like she really was the most beautiful woman in the world, he made her feel brilliant and perfect.

He kissed her softly and she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him closer. And before she knew it Ned had grabbed her hips and lifted her up on the desk. She kissed him eagerly, hungrily, as if though she had been starved of the taste of him. But when one of his hands started traveling up her back she had to break the kiss.

“You can’t touch my hair” she breathed. “It needs to be in place.”

Ned only growled at that and kissed her again. Instead of tangling his hands in her hair, he occupied them with pushing her skirts up. Then he worked her smallclothes down her legs and ran his hand up her inner thigh. But when she started to unlace his breeches he took her hand and placed it on the edge of the desk instead. She was confused by that, but he gave her no time to wonder. He kneeled before her, kissed the inside of her knee. He slowly moved his lips upwards, stopped to suck and lick and bite in places. His breath was hot against her skin, she felt like her whole body was on fire. When he finally was close to the hot spot between her legs she was wet and wanting, but he stopped. By then she was so desperate for his touch that she begged him for it.

“Please, Ned” she whimpered. “I need you to... ohh.”

He put his mouth to her clit and she grabbed the edge of the desk so hard that her knuckles turned white. The other hand grabbed Ned’s hair. She leaned back her head and closed her eyes, lost herself in the feeling of his tongue against her. It didn’t take him long to work her into a frenzy, and soon she cried out his name as she came undone. Her pleasure crashed against her like waves against a cliff, took her under and filled her up. For a few moments that was all that existed in her world. All she knew was her tingling skin and her racing heart, her burning body and the pulsing pleasure that shot through her. When she was back on earth again she opened her eyes and smiled at Ned.

“I needed that” she sighed happily.

Euphoria was the right word for describing what she felt in that moment.

“I know” he replied as he got up again.

He stepped close to her again and rested his chin on Catelyn’s shoulder. She drew small circles on his back with her fingers as her heartbeat slowed again. Then suddenly it occurred her that she had done nothing for him.

“Do you want me to..?” she asked gently.

“No” he said. “You’ve just been so stressed lately. I wanted to let you relax for a moment.”

“Thank you, my love.”

“I love you” he said.

“I love you too” she said and pressed a soft kiss to his neck. “But now I need to get back to it again. I promised to help Lady Margaery get ready.”

He let go of her and handed her her smallclothes. She quickly put them on again and then walked over to the looking glass. She smoothed out her skirts and studied herself closely to make sure that everything was in place.

Ned came over to her and embraced her from behind. She watched him through the looking glass, stroke his arms. She knew that he liked touch her, he often had a hand on her thigh during dinner or offered her his arm when walking even the shortest of distances. But he seemed to be especially touchy that day.

“Has anything happened?” she asked.

He scowled at that.

“I think some men have started drinking already” he muttered. “The way they talk, Cat, I hate it.”

It was the same thing as it always was when they hosted a large gathering in the castle. Every time someone had too much wine and said something about her that absolutely enraged Ned. She had expected it to go away as she got older, but the talk never seemed to get quiet. Though it was probably for the better, if someone started talking about their daughters Ned would most likely commit a murder. And Catelyn wouldn't try to stop him. She would rather have them talk of her, she almost found it amusing. It was like a joke that got more and more ridiculous every year.

“Ooh, what are they saying? No, wait, let me guess” she said with a smile. “Are they speculating about whether or not my southern blood and red hair makes me louder and more willing in bed again? No? Okay, are they talking of how much they would like to take me from behind and pull my hair? Or is it about how much they would like me to suck their cocks while they pull my hair? They always want to pull my hair, for some reason.”

Ned clearly didn’t find it entertaining.

“Please stop.”

“Are you sure? I have more guesses if none of those were correct” she said.

“Cat!”

She turned her head and looked at him.

“Men talk when they get drunk, Ned” she then said. “We can’t stop them from doing that. And we both know that they would never actually try anything, so let them talk. It does me no harm. And they will never get any answers to their questions, they will never know what my hair feels like. Because I’m yours, I love you, and I don’t want any other man in my bed.”

“I know” he groaned.

He still frowned. She raised a hand to his forehead and smoothed out the wrinkles.

“Put a smile on your face, Eddard Stark, our firstborn will be wed soon.”

~*~

Catelyn had cried a lot the previous weeks, and she felt the tears coming once more when she put the veil in place in Margaery’s hair. It was just perfect on her. She was so beautiful. And Lady Alerie seemed to think the same, Catelyn noticed that she was also holding back tears. They smiled at each other and then looked back at their daughter. Margaery was Catelyn’s daughter too, she really was. She had only been at Winterfell for a few weeks, but she had fit right in. All of Catelyn’s children had taken her in immediately, and Margaery had been so kind to them.

“It’s so beautiful!” Margaery said when she looked at herself in the looking glass. “You have done such a good job with the veil, Lady Stark. I can’t even imagine how much time you must have put into this.”

Catelyn took a deep breath to calm herself.

“You are most kind” she said with the steadiest voice that she could muster.

The white dress Margaery wore was quite simple, sewn in northern fashion, but it fit her perfectly. The bodice was decorated with pearls and embroidered with silver weirwood leaves. Over that she wore the maiden’s cloak, green with golden roses on it.

“Are you two crying again?” Margaery asked and looked at them through the looking glass.

“Perhaps” Alerie sniffled.

Margaery walked over and embraced her mother.

“Isn’t it me who should be crying?” she joked. “I’m the one to be wed.”

“We know” Alerie said.

“But it’s big when your little child is all grown up and about to wed and start their own family” Catelyn said.

Lady Alerie had already been through it twice. Her two eldest sons were married. Robb was Catelyn’s first. But maybe it was different with a daughter. Or maybe it was the fact that Margaery would have to stay in the north when the rest of her family travelled back to the Reach and Highgarden. Catelyn knew that one day she would have to leave a child and travel back to Winterfell after a wedding. But that was another day, the current day was for Robb and Margaery.

“Well, I’m ready” Margaery said when she parted from her mother.

“That’s good” Catelyn said. “I wasn’t ready. Not that things turned out bad for me, but it’s always good to be ready.”

Well, she had been ready, but for a different man. She had loved Brandon, she had been ready for Brandon and then Ned had been the man she said her vows to. She loved Ned with all her heart, she was so happy for that he was her husband. But she still wished that she could have got a month to get to know him before she had said her vows. He was her husband before she knew what it felt like to hold his hand. She wished that she could have felt ready. Every woman, no matter who she was, deserved to feel ready.

“You didn’t feel ready?” Lady Alerie asked.

“No. I was never given a chance to be ready, I was married away quick and smooth because of the rebellion. But that was a different time, a time of war and destruction. Now are times of peace. And Margaery deserves to feel ready.”

“I feel ready” Margaery said. “So let the wedding begin.”

~*~

It had always felt like it was so far away, like it would never actually happen. When the betrothal had been made she had thought that it was an eternity until the wedding would actually happen. But there she stood, in the godswood of Winterfell, waiting for her son’s bride to arrive. Her father would lead her to heart tree, where Robb was waiting. The poor boy was so incredibly nervous. He had recited the words of the ceremonial conversation under his breath all week when he thought no one was listening. It had brought a smile to Catelyn’s face when she heard it for the first time, he was such a precious boy. She knew that maybe she should have stopped referring to him as a boy on the day of his wedding, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. He would always be her child, always be her boy. She wouldn’t call him a boy out loud, but no one could read her mind. So in his mind she could call him a boy.

The sun had gone down and lanterns lit up the glade with the weirwood and the path to it. And even though the lanterns provided light they didn’t give off any heat. Catelyn wore a fur trimmed cloak over her dress and had gloves on, but she still shivered. She hated the cold, hated it. She liked the north, she loved her northern family, but the cold would be the death of her. At least it wasn’t snowing. Snow meant a cold marriage, that was common knowledge. And that was the last thing she wanted for Robb and Margaery.

She pulled up the hood of her cloak and tried to rub some heat into her hands. It didn’t help much, if she was going to be honest. Her fingers were going numb. There was a reason to why she avoided being outside for more than a couple of minutes after the darkness had fallen. She looked around at the people around her, they didn’t seem as bothered by the cold as she was. Not even Lyanna and Hoster seemed too cold. They were actually behaving very well even though they were usually impatient, she prayed a quick prayer for that they would be still and quiet all the way through the ceremony. Hoped that her gods would hear her, since they seemed so far away whenever she set her foot in the godswood of Winterfell. And they were never so far away as when she stood before the red eyes of the weirwood.

Ned glanced at her and noticed that he was shivering.

“That won’t help you unless you take your gloves off, my lady” he said. “Let me help you.”

His breath turned into a puff of smoke in the air when he spoke.

“I’ve lived up here for so many years and I still haven’t learned anything” she mumbled and peeled of her gloves.

Ned also took of his gloves and took her hands between his own. He was so warm that he barely had to rub her hands to get warmth into them. She was so happy for that he had taken it upon himself to keep her warm.

“Thank you, my love” she said when she put her gloves on again.

What would she have done without him?

That was when the smalltalk got quiet and Margaery stepped into the glade, escorted by her father. Mace Tyrell seemed to feel discomfort and perhaps even a bit of fear at the sight of the heart tree. His wife and sons had had the same look on their faces when they saw the red eyes. Catelyn had felt the same thing the first time Ned showed her the godswood, she understood them. But Margaery walked tall and proud, she showed no sign of fear. She was brave, braver than Catelyn had been that first time.

Robb took a deep breath. And then he spoke.

“Who comes?” he asked. “Who comes before the gods?”

“Margaery of House Tyrell comes here to be wed. A woman grown and flowered, trueborn and noble, she comes to to beg the blessings of the gods” Lord Mace said.

He seemed a bit unsure of his words. He was unfamiliar with the old gods and the northern ways, but that was what he had agreed to when he married his daughter to a Stark.

“Who comes to claim her?” Lord Mace then said.

“Me” Robb said. “Robb of House Stark, heir to Winterfell and the North. I claim her. Who gives her?”

“Mace of House Tyrell, who is her father.”

Lord Mace then looked at his daughter. He was quiet for a moment. Would Ned also be quiet when he gave Sansa away the day she wed? Would Catelyn watch in silence and feel that she wanted to keep her daughter close and safe forever?

“Lady Margaery, will you take this man?”

“I take this man” Margaery said, her voice steady.

She let go of her father’s arm and walked to Robb, who took her hand. Then they knelt before the weirwood together, and bowed their heads. For prayer. That was the first time Margaery prayed before a heart tree. Catelyn had only done it a few times, it felt so strange praying a prayer to nameless and faceless gods that she did not know. But she did pray then. She also bowed her head down and prayed a prayer for that her son and Margaery would have a good and happy marriage.

After they had said their silent prayers they rose again. And Robb took of her maiden’s cloak and replaced it with a white one with a direwolf sewn on it. Robb scooped his wife into his arms with a big smile and carried her away from the heart tree. Margaery Tyrell had walked into the glade, but Margaery Stark would be carried out of it.

“Our son has a wife” Ned said quietly as he offered her his arm.

“That’s correct” Catelyn said and took it. “Our son does have a wife.”

“Madness” Ned muttered under his breath as they began to walk after Robb and Margaery, towards the feast that awaited them in the Great Hall.

She laughed.

“And from now on it only gets madder” she smiled.

“We better get used to it.”

“I’ll never get used to it.” “Me neither.”

~*~

Catelyn glanced up at Robb and Margaery. They ate from each other’s plates, drank from the same cup. And they could barely take their eyes off each other. If they were lucky that happiness would last, grow even stronger during their future years together.

Catelyn laid a hand on Ned’s arm and when he looked at her she nodded towards their son and his wife.

“We made a good match” she said. “They seem happy.”

Ned only laughed.

“Has he blinked since he sat down at the table?” he asked

“No.”

And just as she said that Robb rose from the table and shouted for silence. The hall actually got quiet despite the size of the Great Hall and the amount of loud people in it. Everyone turned their attention to Robb.

“First of all, I want to thank all of you for attending my wedding” he said. “Second of all, I want to thank my parents, Lord Eddard and Lady Catelyn, for loving me, and my siblings.” He paused for a moment and pulled a face. “And each other. My father taught me that solars are for work, but he does not live as he preaches.”

The hall erupted into laughter. And Catelyn had to laugh along with them when she saw the look on Ned’s face.

“I’ll never hear the end of this” he sighed, but he smiled.

She leaned over and kissed his cheek.

“No, you won’t” she chuckled. “But you have to admit, it was amusing.”

The little incident Robb referred to had been entirely Catelyn’s fault, she had not closed the door to the solar properly. But she could let everyone believe that it was Ned’s fault. The proper Lord Stark calling for his lady in the middle of the day so that he could fuck her on his desk, it was more amusing than the truth.

Robb began to speak again when it got quiet.

“It has left me very confused, I don’t know what to believe. But I know that my clever Margaery can help me through this confusion, and give me advise when the time comes for me to occupy this seat permanently. And I know that she will be a brilliant Lady Stark, though I dare not say the best with my mother and father so close.” More laughter. “So I would like to make a toast to my lovely wife.” He raised his cup. “To Margaery Stark!”

Everyone raised their cups.

“TO MARGAERY STARK!”

Margaery smiled and leaned over to kiss Robb when he sat down again. He seemed to have been taken my surprise but he raised a hand to her cheek and kissed her back. Young love truly was beautiful.

The rest of the courses were served without much trouble. There were more toasts from many people, toasts to Margaery, and to Robb, toasts to most everything when the men started to get drunker. The music played loud and the wine and ale flowed. They talked and laughed. When people finished eating a part of the hall was cleared out for dancing and Robb and Margaery danced the first dance. It was a wonder they could hear the music over the deafening cheers and applauds from the crowd that watched them. But they got through it with elegance, both were graceful dancers.

“Could I have this dance?” Ned asked when the first song was finished and the next one started.

Catelyn was surprised, Ned had never liked to dance. It was almost always she who asked him to dance. She had always found it charming that he tried for her because he knew she loved to dance. Even though he was a clumsy dancer.

But despite her surprise she smiled and happily accepted his hand.

“Of course, I would love to dance with you.”

And she was taken by surprise once more when she noticed that the clumsy dancer her husband had always been was gone. His usual quite awkward attempts to spin her around worked and her never stepped on her feet. He moved her around the floor with a smoothness she had never experienced with him before.

“When did you learn to dance?” she asked.

“I asked Sansa to teach me a while back” he told her.

She was a bit intrigued by that. Why had he not told her of it? Why had she not heard anything from Sansa? How had she not heard anything of it from anyone? Secrets travelled fast within the walls of a castle, someone other than Ned and Sansa had to know about it.

“Why? I thought you didn’t care for dancing.”

“I wanted to dance with you at our son’s wedding. Because I know how much you love to dance. And I love seeing the way your face lights up when you do something you love.”

He lifted her up into the air and she couldn’t hold back a laugh.

“You learned to dance... for me?” she asked when she was down on her feet again.

“Yes. Because I love you.”

He had learned to dance for her. It felt like he had just given her the most beautiful gift in the world. He was fantastic. 

Catelyn suddenly realized that they had stopped dancing and was just standing there and looking at each other.

“Oh Ned” she sighed.

She reached up and kissed him, he tasted of wine and love. She smiled against his lips when she felt how he put his hands on her hips and pulled her closer.

“I love you too” she said when they pulled apart.

When they walked back to their table after the song ended they were met by Sansa, Arya, Bran and Jon. And Rickon stood behind them.

“Our father taught us that feasts are for eating and drinking and dancing, but he does not live as he preaches” Sansa began.

“It has left us very confused” Arya continued.

“We don’t know what to believe” Bran added.

“But we know that some clever person can help us through this” Jon finished.

Catelyn laughed. It seemed like their kiss had not gone unnoticed.

“I don’t understand” was what Rickon said.

“You will when you get older and then you’ll want to cut your brain out” Arya said and ruffled his hair.

“Why would I want to cut my brain out?” Rickon asked confused.

But he didn’t have any time to wonder about it because Lyanna and Hoster came running towards him and Hoster gave him a shove in the back as he passed.

“Hey!” Rickon shouted and set off after them.

Normally Catelyn would have shouted after them that it was not proper to run where people were eating, but no one cared about them, more than that a few smiled as the children ran past them. It was a day of joy after all, they could play.

Instead she turned to Ned.

“You need to stop with all this, Lord Stark” she said playfully. “You are confusing your poor children. And it’s very inappropriate to attack a lady with a kiss like that.”

“Oh I beg for your forgiveness, Lady Stark” Ned replied and rolled his eyes. “Though I would like to say that it was you who attacked me with a kiss.”

“Are you accusing me of showing affection towards my beloved husband in front of people?” she asked with false shock in her voice. “How dare you?”

“I grow bolder every time you look at you. You truly look lovely” he said.

“And you two are truly disgusting even though I am glad to have been born” Jon said and pulled a face. “Now Mother, may I have this dance?”

“You may have this dance” she chuckled.

She was led out to dance once more, that time by her son instead of her husband. Though Jon looked exactly like a younger version of Ned.

“He’s right though, you do look lovely” Jon said.

“Thank you. You look quite handsome yourself.”

Jon did look very handsome. He had also dressed in his nicest clothes, and he had brushed back his hair so that more of his face was visible.

“I like what you did with your hair” she said.

He blushed a little then.

“Alys said the same” he mumbled.

“She’s a clever girl, Alys Karstark” Catelyn smiled.

“I know.”

~*~

“Poor girl.”

The men had their hands all over Margaery. Catelyn couldn’t hear what they were saying over the loud playing of “The Queen took off her sandal, the King took off his crown”, but she was sure of that she could guess what they were saying if she tried.

The women pushed Robb forward and tore at his clothes. Though he seemed to be fine.

“I was scared half to death” Leona Manderly said.

“Me too” Catelyn said. “Those frozen northerners were not so frozen when given the chance to undress me.”

Ned had been the most frozen one of them all. He had barely looked at her during the feast. And he had barely looked at her when he bedded her. But as she had told Margaery and her mother, that had been a different time. The death of his family and the war had weighed heavily on Ned’s mind. Not to mention that they had been complete strangers to each other and she had been betrothed to his brother. There had been a lot of things between them then. But during the years they had moved those things aside, one object at a time.

“The only frozen northerners are you Starks.”

“I had barely met any northerners before my wedding, how was I supposed to know that? I was raised on stories about frozen northern men that turned into wolves at night.”

“Southerners believe so many strange things” Maege Mormont chuckled. “It’s easy to forget that you have been one of them, Lady Stark.”

“We have no way of knowing if Stark men turn into wolves at night or not, Maege” Jonelle Cerwyn said and took a sip from her cup. “Perhaps the southerners are right. Perhaps Lady Catelyn has a wolf for a husband during the nights.”

“A wolf is nothing” Maege snorted. “A bear, there you have a real challenge.”

Catelyn looked over at Ned who was deep into conversation with Howland Reed a table away and smiled. Some nights her husband was more wolf than man. And sometimes it came out during the day too. She had bite marks on her inner thighs to prove it. Her years in the north had probably given her a bit of wolf’s blood too, because she enjoyed it more than anything when he let go of the control. 

“A bear would be a real challenge” she agreed. “I only have a gentle wolf.”

“But not a very patient one, if your son is to be believed” Lady Leona said.

Catelyn laughed. Ned was the most patient man she had ever met, he waited patiently for most everything. The meetings in his solar mostly happened when his workload got larger than usual for a long period and he barely had time to eat and sleep, much less see to her sexual needs. He came to bed long after she had fallen asleep and rose before she woke in the mornings, she barely saw him at all during those periods. That was when she could take to stealing a few minutes from him in the middle of the day so that she could see him at all.

“Oh Ned doesn’t lack for patience. It’s just that he gets a bit lost in work every now and then, and when it happens he barely leaves the solar and my only way to see him at all is if I pay him a visit.” 

“So he simply has an impatient lady wife?” Lady Jonelle said.

“He simply has a southern lady wife that never gets used to the cold” Catelyn responded and raised her own cup to her lips. “And sometimes mulled wine and furs doesn’t help her.”

Nothing helped her fight of a persistent chill like Ned’s body working with her own.

“I see. It gets terribly cold up here sometimes” Lady Jonelle said. “And it must be even worse when you were born south of the Neck.” “There is no summer snow down there. And the rivers flow in the winters as well as in the summers” Lady Leona smiled. “You must have hated it here in the start.”

“Had someone offered me a chance to take my boys and run back to Riverrun during the first months I would have taken it without hesitation” Catelyn laughed.

She jumped so high that she almost fell off the bench when she felt a warm hand on her shoulder. But it only took her a second to figure out who it was.

“You could have warned me” she mumbled to the women around her.

Then she turned to Ned.

“Did I frighten you?” he asked.

“You startled me, that’s all” she said. “Did you want to say something?”

”I wanted to say something but then I was distracted by the fact that you said that you wanted to take my eldest sons and run back to Riverrun.”

“I’ll take them all, sons and daughters, when I run back to Riverrun” she teased him.

“You’re a vicious woman.”

“Did my father never warn you about my cruelness before he forced you into the sept?”

“No. I was assured of that you were the sweetest woman to have ever lived in Westeros” he said and pursed his lips.

“I’m sorry to have disappointed you” she said and flashed him her best smile. “Now, what was it that you wanted to say?”

“I need to follow Howland to the Great Keep. I have some papers that I have to give to him.”

“Okay. Will you come back down afterwards?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Thank you for letting me know.”

“No problem.”

She turned back to the ladies and smiled.

“I apologize for that, where were we?”

~*~

Catelyn leaned closer to Ned so that she would get his attention.

“Ned. I want a babe, give me a babe.” She could feel the wine. Feel how it made her thoughts slow and how she was not in as much control of her lips as she usually was. And maybe deep down some part of her felt regret and screamed of how much she would hate herself the next day when she would have to deal with the headache. But your eldest son only got married once and the feast had been going on for quite a while at that point, dawn was breaking outside the Great Hall. It was okay to be drunk. And she wasn’t even close to being the drunkest. If anything, she was probably one of the most sober people in the hall. And that really said something. Probably that she wasn’t much of a drinker, but also that northern feasts were better than southern. At least when it came to the amount of wine and ale.

“A minute, my lady” Ned said without turning to her.

He was talking to some Umber men about something boring. She had given up on listening a while back, if she was being honest. But maybe it would be good to listen. Or at least pretend that she was listening.

She leaned against Ned without even thinking of it. Rested her head against his shoulder and took his hand, weaved their fingers together. She looked up at Greatjon as he spoke. Sansa was betrothed to his son, Smalljon Umber. It would be good to not appear impolite. But Greatjon was very drunk and listening to his slurring was hard, she didn’t feel like what he said made any sense. Catelyn caught her mind wandering to more interesting places. She leaned away from Ned, reached for a cup on the table with her free hand and raised it to her lips. She couldn’t even tell what kind of wine it was anymore.

“That’s my cup” Ned said.

She took another mouthful of wine before she replied.

“I know.”

“Why don’t you drink from your cup?”

“It’s empty.”

“Then call for more. No one will deny you.”

“We can share” she said. “We are married, we share far more intimate things than cups.”

“What was it that you wanted to say?” Ned asked.

She had forgotten what she wanted to say.

“I’m drunk” she said.

“I’m aware of that, Cat” he said with an amused expression.

“I don’t remember when I was last drunk.”

“Well, I remember” Ned told her.

He was even less of a drinker than Catelyn was. He probably took the place as the most sober person in the hall, but he still wasn’t sober. Maybe Margaery would have taken the spot if she had not left the hall many hours earlier.

“I seem to recall that it was your thirtieth name day. There were a lot of toasts to you at that feast, a lot of wine.”

A lot of toast to her? Huh. She didn’t know if she didn’t remember it because she had been drunk then or because she was drunk at the moment.

“Oh” she said softly. “I only remember the end of that day. It was a good ending.”

Ned had also had enough to drink that night for their lovemaking to be a bit rougher than usual. So a bit of wine had added a certain spice.

She let go of his hand, rested her hand on his thigh instead.

“It was” Ned agreed. “But you were not in the best shape the day after, so you should put down the cup.”

She looked at him for a moment, then she smiled and drank a bit more. What was he going to do? Punish her? Seemed unlikely. Though she wouldn’t object to some good punishment. She did love it when he pulled her hair.

“Cat” he said slowly.

She moved her hand higher up his thigh and leaned close to him again, nuzzled her face against his neck.

“Yes, my lord?” she whispered and kissed his skin.

Catelyn couldn’t help her smirk when she felt Ned’s pulse quicken, his neck had always been a sensitive spot. And so she slid her hand a little higher up. It was next to his cock then. She would just have to move it a little in order to touch him.

Was she acting like a whore in full view of everyone that wanted to see? Yes. Did she care? Not even a little.

“I want a babe, Ned” she mumbled and pressed her lips against his neck once more.

“I’ll give you all the babes you want, my love. But I think what you need is sleep.”

She wasn’t tired. Just wanton.

“I don’t need sleep, I just want to feel you around me... inside me.”

“You are drunk” Ned said and pushed her away.

“I’m going to bed. Come with me or not, your choice, my lord. But know that if you stay here I will have to take matters into my own hands.”

She put down the cup on the table again and stood up. She swayed a little, the wine made her unsteady and for a moment her head was swimming. But Ned took her arm and led her by the rows of benches and tables, out of the Great Hall. She stopped for a moment outside the doors and just breathed deeply. The morning air wrapped itself around her, and it felt like she had stepped into cold water. Like she had stepped into one of the rivers in the lands of her childhood. A very sobering feeling.

“Are you okay?” Ned asked worriedly.

“I’ve never felt better.”

She looked at him and smiled. He was so beautiful in the morning sun. She loved the sight of him in the morning sun. So she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.

~*~

This chapter was much longer than the others because I wanted to get the whole wedding in. It was very fun to write and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. The next part will be the last one, but I don’t know when it will be out. Thank you for reading “A new marriage and an old one” <3

[tabloidtoc]

Globe, November 9

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Prince Andrew fails lie detector -- new crisis rocks the palace 

Page 2: Up Front & Personal -- Bruno Toniolo shirtless, Heidi Pratt at a pumpkin patch in L.A., Jacqueline Bisset catches some rays in L.A. 

Page 3: Larry David leaves an L.A. office, Ellen Pompeo, Pete Wentz 

Page 4: Kathie Lee Gifford is talking to NBC bigwigs about coming back to Today and they’re hot over the idea but Hoda Kotb is not pleased and Jenna Bush Hager is feeling threatened because Jenna never really grabbed the audience like Kathie Lee did, Martha Stewart and Gwyneth Paltrow are heading into the holidays trash-talking each other even more than usual and their pals have nowhere to hide -- they’re snippier than ever and can’t get through the week without saying something crass but the trouble is they have the same friends and they use some of the same chefs and caterers and crew -- all their friends in the Hamptons including the Seinfelds and Beyonce and Jay-Z and Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley and Rachael Ray are trying to keep out of it but it’s impossible because Martha and Gwyneth are both screaming for loyalty 

Page 5: Legal hotshot and writer Jeffrey Toobin has been shelved by the New Yorker magazine for showing off his willie to co-workers during a Zoom conference call -- witnesses say Toobin was masturbating but he insists it was a blooper

Page 6: Dolly Parton was so lovestruck when she met Elvis Presley that she nearly chucked her marriage and career to shack up with Elvis -- Dolly is ready to tell all about Elvis after decades of protecting her husband Carl Dean and Elvis’ only child Lisa Marie Presley -- Dolly was in her late 20s and Elvis was in his late 30s when they had their sizzling encounter where she got dolled up to meet Elvis in a Nashville office and discuss working together and he wanted to do a duet but she didn’t trust herself to work with him and she didn’t even let Elvis do a cover of her song I Will Always Love You -- even though Dolly didn’t actually cheat on Carl she sure was tempted and she’s felt guilty about it ever since 

Page 8: Just two weeks after splitting with his wife of 14 years former Home Improvement kid Zachery Ty Bryan was arrested and jailed on charges of trying to strangle a terrified galpal -- after a night of partying where he was photographed surrounded by four gals with an iced bottle of vodka at the table Zachery reportedly got into a heated clash with his galpal and she claims Zachery grabbed her by the throat and squeezed then tried to snatch her phone when she attempted to call 911 so she ran to a neighbor’s home where she hid while cops were called 

Page 9: Distressed Kelly Clarkson and her two toddlers are in therapy to help cope with the anguish brought on by her divorce from Brandon Blackstock -- the talk show host is especially struggling because the split is playing out so publicly and the kids are seeing things about their mom on TV and she feels immense guilt about the divorce but knows it was the best decision because she wasn’t happy married to Brandon though she did try but staying in a marriage just for the kids wasn’t an option for her -- Kelly was deeply wounded when her father-in-law Narvel Blackstock’s management company recently sued her for $1.4 million in alleged unpaid commissions but she’s speaking with her ex privately in an effort to resolve the issue out of court but Kelly suspects he’s using it as a bargaining chip for a bigger settlement and also feels he’s using the kids against her as a weapon 

Page 10: Showbiz legend Michelle Phillips has become a shut-in who sits home alone tippling wine while watching movies on TV and listening to her hits from The Mamas & the Papas where she is the last surviving member of the band -- she’s sad the rest are all gone  and she’ll put on a record and sit in the dark; she misses them and so many other people -- she’s become a shut-in due to the pandemic and can’t bear for people to see her so old and haggard and overweight and all those years of partying have done their damage to her once-beautiful face -- she also hasn’t been able to see her young grandson and she’s grieving the loss of her longtime lover who died in 2017 

Page 11: Baywatch hunk Jeremy Jackson’s cover girl ex-wife has been found homeless wandering California’s mean streets in worn and shabby clothes -- lost for two years Loni Willison is now virtually unrecognizable with missing teeth and her long blond tresses cropped short -- she was found pushing a grocery cart filled with her battered possessions in Venice -- despite her tragic situation she insists she’d doing fine and doesn’t want help despite reportedly having drug and mental health issues 

Page 12: Celebrity Buzz -- Rita Ora in a see-through frock (picture), Lily James got caught brazenly canoodling with the very much married Dominic West who plays her father in the BBC miniseries The Pursuit of Love, just weeks after Cardi B filed to dissolve her marriage to Offset she’s put the split on hold and all it took was Offset to spend bucks on a heart-tugging Sunset Strip billboard and a Rolls-Royce and a Hermes Birkin bag, Kate Hudson’s getting loose-lipped about gross snotty smooches with her leading man Matthew McConaughey 

Page 13: Vinny Guadagnino eating in Beverly Hills (picture), Kaitlyn Bristowe has a puffy trout pout (picture), Shia LaBeouf doesn’t let an apparent injury keep him from getting out and about in Pasadena (picture), Alanis Morissette says the fame that came with her 1995 revenge song You Oughta Know wasn’t so sweet but instead was an isolating experience 

Page 14: Nicole Kidman is starring opposite Hugh Grant in the thriller series The Undoing but she really wanted to plays Hugh’s love interest in Notting Hill except she wasn’t well-known enough, Reba McEntire has landed herself a brand new TV show which is a modernized Fried Green Tomatoes drama series in which she’ll play the present-day Idgie Threadgoode, Fashion Verdict -- Regina King 8/10, Isabelle Huppert 2/10, Queen Maxima 5/10, Tracee Ellis Ross 9/10, Cher 4/10 

Page 16: How John F. Kennedy stole the White House from Richard Nixon -- Chicago mob rigged the 1960 vote and cheated Nixon out of the presidency 

Page 19: True Crime 

Page 21: Parkinson’s patient Alan Alda is refusing to slow down at age 84 and friends fear the fragile M*A*S*H legend is headed for a devastating health crisis and he’s busier now than he ever was even during his sitcom days and he bravely says he lives with it by staying active but medication can only do so much and his friends and family including wife Arlene are worried he’s pushing himself too hard, teary-eyed Ringo Starr confesses his last conversation with dying Beatles bandmate George Harrison was heartbreaking and unforgettable -- Ringo wanted to stay with George until the end but his daughter Lee had been diagnosed with a brain tumor and Ringo had to rush to Boston to see her and when Ringo told George he had to go to Boston George said D’ya want me to come wit’ ya? so even on his death bed George made his best buddy smile while both faced unspeakable grief 

Page 22: 10 Things You Don’t Know About S. Epatha Merkerson, Today show host Hoda Kotb reveals Frank Sinatra Jr. was the show’s worst guest because he clammed up instead of touting a book about his famous dad in 2015, Khloe Kardashian confesses she once worked as Nicole Richie’s personal assistant because she just needed a job and they went to school together -- Nicole’s reality career crashed in 2007 which was the same year Khloe’s series started

Page 24: Cover Story -- Disgraced Prince Andrew has flunked a lie detector test on his close relationship with murdered American pedophile Jeffrey Epstein and now the rogue royal insists he’ll never cooperate with the FBI for fear his testimony will land him behind bars but Queen Elizabeth’s favorite son has his back against the wall as new evidence surfaces on both sides of the Atlantic -- Andrew is terrified newly released secret testimony from Epstein’s accused madam Ghislaine Maxwell is just the tip of the iceberg of what she’s prepared to reveal and Maxwell’s revelations detailing her twisted sex life come on the heels of an explosive new British book accusing Andrew of attending debauched events with Epstein where teenage girls were parading around topless -- even though friends close to Andrew say he did nothing wrong and has no reason to fear the prince may not have a choice about spilling his guts because the fed-up royal family is threatening to cut off the cash-strapped rogue unless he plays ball 

Page 25: Prince Andrew has been banished from the gift shop at his mother’s Balmoral Castle -- tourists can still purchase postcards her Her Majesty’s kids Prince Charles and Princess Anne and Prince Edward but Prince Andrew has disappeared which is a sure sign that Andrew is in the doghouse since items featuring Elizabeth’s beloved corgis are still up for sale 

Page 26: Health Report 

Page 27: Dirtiest places on planes exposed 

Page 30: Serial sleaze Matt Lauer’s ready to pop the question to girlfriend Shamin Abas over the holidays and he hopes for a brighter future with her a year after his 20-year marriage to Annette Roque ended in divorce -- Matt showers Shamin her with gifts and wants to buy a house on the East Coast where they can make new memories and Matt’s hinted he’s already bought the ring and plans to propose by New Year’s and he hopes to have a celeb-studded wedding at their new home, Kathleen Turner will be back at Michael Douglas’ throat as his acid ex in The Kominsky Method to fill the hole left by Alan Arkin who abruptly pulled out of the third and final season of the show

Page 35: Matthew McConaughey’s father predicted he’d die while making love to his wife and he did, desperate to turn back time Marie Osmond is going whole hog on a head-to-toe makeover -- Marie is no stranger to cosmetic fixes and she is considering a slew of procedures to get a new look that’ll knock ‘em out including everything from Botox and fillers to face-lift to boob job and lipo-sculpting to enhance her waistline -- the makeover is motivated by revenge because she’s bitter over recently being pushed off her co-host gig on The Talk and now she’s counting on a younger look to land her a plum new TV gig 

Page 38: Real Life Monsters 

Page 39: Kris Jenner blames social media for ending the 14-year run of Keeping Up with the Kardashians because when the show started there was no Instagram or Snapchat or other social media platforms but now she gripes that now there are so many the viewer doesn’t have to wait three or four months to see an episode but instead information spreads online in real time, Phil Collins’ ex-wife has traded him in for a 31-year-old guitarist who never managed to make much noise in the music industry -- Phil was furious when he heard Orianne Cevey married Tom Bates in Las Vegas, Black Panther star Chadwick Boseman died without a will according to his widow -- Taylor Simone Ledward filed a probate case in L.A. asking a judge to name her administrator of Boseman’s estimated $938,500 estate with limited authority

Page 44: Straight Talk -- Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s daughter Rumer Willis claims posing for raunchy bondage shots proves she’s a liberated woman free from sexual stereotypes but it’s not that simple 

Page 45: Jeff Bridges is battling non-Hodgkin lymphoma which is a rampaging cancer that often spreads through the body to the liver and bone marrow and lungs -- while the cancer can be deadly experts say the five-year survival rate is 73 percent 

[mountainleafuniversity]

Linneaus: Undertow Pt 1

Artwork by: @warrior-kitty

Special thanks to: @gemellath

This story is rated PG-13 for content. You have been warned.

It was a beautiful day for the citizens of Charluftton as the Wild Waves Festival was in full swing. The plaza was full of vendors selling t-shirts and frozen ice, the bar was full of all kinds of live music, including bands like Boil, The Lost Tapes and Art House, and even the beach was full of fun events such as volley ball, sailing, and even a beach 5k obstacle course. Boaters were out fishing and tubing and just all around having a good time. However, for the shapeshifting vixen, she was lying home in bed wearing her work cap, a buttoned jacket and khaki work pants. On her nametag was the name “Kit Rouge”. She was a shy fox who was diagnosed with a disorder that caused her to have trouble controlling her shapeshifting powers, and today, due to the events that occurred at work, was no exception.

“All I did was get grossed out…” she muttered. “Yet of course I turned into a fox bug like I always do when I’m disgusted. And of course, everyone thinks I’m too old for this to happen. I can’t control it…”

Kit had a busy day at work with lots of fishermen and families out buying things from pool toys to bait and couldn’t even stop the lines from the shoppers just itching to get their stuff and hit the water. She swore if she saw another sailor she would transform into her angry form and chuck them off their boat.

Her cellphone rang, and Kit answered.

“Hey Vixie!” Coin started, wearing sunglasses. “Work was rough today wasn’t it?!”

“Oh! Hello Coin! It was rough! Like the time that giraffe all jacked up on cocaine went up to you and-“

“Didn’t you remember our plans for today?!” he interrupted.

“What plans?” the khaki-clad kitsune asked.

“To go tubing with us!” Rio said.

“But I thought we were going to go to the beach!” Kit cried. “I want to lie down, get a sun tan and eat all the cannolis I can think off!”

“The beach is tomorrow and the next day!” Coin replied.

“Just get changed, pack some sandwiches and don’t forget the tube! See you in a half an hour.”

With that they hung up.

Kit thought about it for a second and decided to just go embark with her friends on the boat.

The young vixen put on a yellow one-piece swimsuit and covered it with a Zelda t-shirt and her khaki shorts from her work uniform. She then put on her special waterproof contacts, so she doesn’t turn her friends into her clones again. Finally, she made her friends sandwiches to eat on the boat while they hung out. Kit opened the garage to find Coin’s boat tube and sighed, knowing that none of their days out ever go well.

When she arrived, she saw her jackelope friend in his salmon trunks, purple t-shirt and sunglasses, with Rio harvest mouse perched on top of his antlers. She was in a little sailor’s outfit with a cap.

“First mate Rio! Ready to embark!” she said with glee.

“Hey Kitty!” Coin blurted. “Just put the tube in the back, were going to go fishing for a little while.”

“I thought you had a fear of fish.” Kit replied.

“My dad wants us to get fish for the Braun’s fish recipe!”

“You hate the taste of fish as well!”

“I’m getting paid if I do this.”

“Fair.”

And with that, they entered the boat.

Kit untied the ropes from the hooks, while Rio and Coin brought the buoys into the boat.

“Hey um Kit…” Rio said. “I think you might want to put your sunhat in the cabinet, so you don’t lose it.

“Oh, I’m fine.” Kit said without concern. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

As Coin and First Mate Rio pushed it to thirty miles an hour, Kit began to scream as her body grew more multicolored fur, whiskers grew, and her body became feline. The scared cat held onto her hat as hard as she could while the boat tore through the river.

“I retract my previous statement!” screamed Kit. “This is way too fast! My hat’s gonna fly away if you’re not careful!”

“Too fast?” replied Coin, seemingly unaffected by the rip-roaring speeds they were currently travelling at.

“No way! Calm down, will you? If you didn’t want your hat to get blown off, you should’ve at least stored it in the compartment.”

Begrudgingly, he and Rio slowed to boat down so that Kit could hand the hat over to Rio.

“Honestly,” she said, “We should’ve insisted on it in the first place.”

As they continued to sail, the trio began to develop an appreciation for the architecture of the waterside houses. Rio would wonder aloud who lives there, or there, or there? Enough time had passed for Kit to have calmed down; one tug of her tail later, and she was back in her fox form.

“Right then,” she said, retrieving her hat at last, “What are we up to first?”

“Sandbar, of course!” replied Rio as the boat sailed towards the spot where the ocean embraced the shore.

The little stretch of sand was surprisingly full of people sunbathing, dipping their toes in the water; anything to make the most of the fresh heat.

“Oh, nice! We can all have a game of keepie-uppie!”

Kit casted her line out towards the water and waited. Soon enough she had something on her line, reeling it in as hard as she could to discover she had caught a gar.

“Nice!” she said, pleased with herself.

“Hey, look guys I caught this cool long-billed thing!”

The crowd looked over, but only saw the fish worth jack squat and laughed.

Kit became slimier and turned grey, with white hair growing until she was now her sad form, the fox slug Granny.

“Dang nabbit!” she muttered to herself before casting the line once again…only to this time catch a sea bass…

“Did you bring the football?” Rio asked.

“Sure did!” Coin said, holding the old pigskin.

“I said the football!” Rio growled.

“This is a football!” Coin responded, perplexed.

Soon an argument erupted between the two of them, until they decided to just toss the ball around. The jackelope through a spiral throw towards Rio, who then responded by nailing her personal perch in the chest. Coin got up, picked the football off of the bar and tossed it again. After a while, he was getting nailed in the face, chest, and even in the groin by the sailor mouse’s throws. He called for a time out to see Granny still trying to catch fish.

“Hey bud.” She said. “Could you give my tail a pull?”

Coin turned her back into Kit.

“Thanks”

“So what’s going on here?” Coin asked.

“I”ve been catching nothing but sea bass and gar…”

Coin looked at her in disbelief.

“Kit there aren’t any sea bass in here…you mean sea trout.”

Kit blushed a little.

“It’s alright, you caught like five of them already!”

So, they waited and caught a decent amount of fish to put in the cooler.

After sunbathing for a bit, the Trio decided it was time to go tubing. They packed up their chairs, their belongings and the fish, which were placed in a water tank on the back of the boat.

“Alright guys!” Rio shouted with excitement. “Time for tubing!”

Coin took off his shirt and glasses, leaving him with only his trunks, while Kit dressed down to her swimsuit. Both of them then put on life jackets and hopped onto the tube.

“Um…” Kit said, somewhat nervous. “I’m not sure I want to do this…”

“Oh we’ll be fine. I’ve gone tubing dozens of times.”

“Get ready you guys!” First Mate Rio shouted as she pushed on the gas. She pulled it forward and the two cryptid creatures were yanked screaming. They narrowly missed other boats and shores, but soon the wild mouse got carried away. At a wedding reception between two mice on a dock, the two burst through and destroyed the dock the mice were on, leaving Coin with a face full of tiny wedding cake, and Kit with the groom in her mouth. Next, the two of them flew over another boat’s wake, which was sunk as soon as the tube landed on it. Finally, they neared an exclusive gated community residence, and ended up going through the yards of the tenants. Statues, trees, and rocks pelted them with pure bruises and scratches. At one point, they broke in through a beaver business man’s house and destroyed his kitchen, his teenage daughter’s bedroom, and his priceless wine cellar.

After breaking out of the last wall, a ramp was seen straight ahead for the duo, and with the ramp, Kit flew off of the tube and belly flopped into the water. Coin, luckily, stayed on, but ended up getting dragged through marsh grasses and oyster beds. He was all chopped up, so when Rio stopped, Coin fell into a million pieces. He healed himself, as always when he got this injured, and pulled into the boat.

“Hang on, where’s Kit?” the crazy driver asked.

From a groan they heard, the two saw her bobbing in the water. Coin spun it back around to collect Kit, who wasn’t very amused about the whole situation once she climbed back on board.

She was trying her best not to snap at Rio, as the jackelope got her a towel to wipe off the water.

Rio than then tried to fire up the engine but called Coin over. After a brief and worried discussion, the rabbit sheepishly confronted his fox friend.

“Umm…Kit….”

“What is it?” she snapped with her eyes already glowing.

“The boat…it’s out of gas…”

Suddenly Kit screamed as she transformed into DemKit, with his voice deepening into a roar. He picked up the cowering and flailing jackelope and chucked him off the boat. Then moved on towards Rio and held her up, shaking her around.

“WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW FIRST MATE RIO?!?!” he roared.

“Calm Down!” Rio said. “Coin can just call the boat tow.”

DemKit dropped Rio and blushed a little embarrassed.

“Sorry Coin!” he yelled out.

“Try to grab the tube.”

Coin swam towards the tube, failing to notice the fin behind him. He climbed onto it, but as he was being pulled in by the fox monster, a shark leapt from behind him and bit down on his swim trunks, ripping them and pulling them into the water. His two friends screamed with DemKit frantically pulling on the rope harder, but it was fruitless as he pulled it in to find the shark had cut it in half. Coin, meanwhile, had a censor bar over his special area and watched as whale watchers and fishermen boated by laughing. The shark returned and pulled the censor off of him, causing DemKit and Rio to blush and look away.

“How can this get any worse?” the mouse said to herself.

“There they are!” an angry woman said, with a crowd of people on a police boat. The officer looked to see a sailor mouse next to a steering wheel, some fox monster, and a naked jackelope behind them.

“Oh crap.” DemKit said to himself, embarrassed.

Later on, Kit, now back as her normal self, and Coin were eating the fish they’d caught in the estuary with their families at Coin’s house.

“I’m glad they found out I was just transformed.” She said. “And they found the shark with Coin’s compressions lodged in its throat at the hospital. He said he needed clothes to deliver to someone.”

“Who?” Gunda asked

“We don’t know yet, but because he pulled my censored bar away he now has to register as a sex offender.”

“As for Rio?” Kit’s father asked.

“Well because she was recklessly driving to the point of bodily harm and property damage, and we didn’t do anything wrong, she has to spend the Festival in jail.” Kit replied.

“It’s a good thing you guys called to get the trout out.” Jonas said. “Proud of you son!”

“Thanks dad! How was the nautical golf tournament?”

“Well, we placed second.” He declared to Margaret. “We have to go to the plaza tomorrow. You are performing tomorrow night correct?”

“Yea, I’m meeting Harry and Roxie at work tomorrow, and D’Arcy is setting up her clothing tent at the beach market.”

“Apparently someone sent a threat to her earlier this afternoon.” Kit’s brother told them. “They’re investigating who sent it.”

“Well, it’s probably nothing we should worry about, but we should tell D’Arcy once we get to the beach.”

Meanwhile the salmon trunks sank into a cave where a sea serpent sat waiting and grabbed it.

“Nice…” she said. “A sample of clothing from one of that jersey devil’s friends.” She smiled with glee. “He could be useful to me… in finally bringing her down…” she laughed as her factory workers continued to work…

[thestuffedalligator]

Her sixth autumn was rolling into her sixth winter. The first skiffs of snow had arrived, heavy in the forest clearings but thin between the trees. The winds had shifted, bringing the cool smell of dead leaves and frost.

It was the first time she had seen a human.

She’d spotted it as soon as it entered her territory. It wore a red thing that made it stand out on the snow like blood, and a huge bundle on its back that weighed it down. It marched with the heavy sounds of crunching snow and litterfall.

If it was a deer, or a rabbit, or a coyote, this would be the point where she’d swoop down and wrap her talons around its throat.

There was a polite noise on a branch below her. It was the sound of a raven clearing its throat.

“So,” Chinook said. “Is there a reason you aren’t?”

Tuque looked down at him. “Aren’t what?”

“You know. The hunting, the pouncing, the snapping of necks and the feasting of eyeballs.”

Tuque looked at the human. It had taken out a bundle of sticks and brightly-coloured material and was trying to make something from them. It didn’t look like it was going well. “I don’t know,” she said.

Chinook nodded. “I only ask because it’s very cold today, and you had a look a second ago that means that something big was crossing your territory, and that means that we get to have a good meal.”

“Right,” said Tuque, who didn’t turn her gaze away from the human.

“And winter’s coming on,” Chinook said after a pause.

“It is.”

“And prey’s going to be scarce.”

“It might.”

There was another pause. Chinook sighed, a bitter puff of vapour in the autumn air.

Humans rarely came up in Chinook’s lessons. Carc had made them along with the other animals, they had a language of their own, and ravens sometimes stole Human words for names since Corvid words were too sacred. When she met Chinook in her fourth winter, he had insisted on giving her a Human word for a name. She didn’t know what it meant, but it tasted good in her mouth when she said it.

Now she was seeing a creature who’d made that word, and only now it seemed…odd in a way she couldn’t describe.

The best way she could think of it was this: Carc made the world, the animals, and Mother Raven, and Mother Raven made the ravens and crows. Jays were made when crows stole blue from the sky to recolour their feathers, and magpies were made as a laughing mockery of ravens to keep them humble. The world was made for corvids and the other birds. Humans didn’t fit.

Then again, neither did she.

The human had managed to make a small structure out of the sticks and material. Now it was pulling stones out of her river and was putting them down in a circle in front of the thing.

Tuque watched it for a while in silence. “Do you have any stories about them?” she asked. “Humans, I mean.”

Chinook screwed a dark eye at her. “Oh, I might have some vague memories of stories,” he said. He clenched a talon in the air. “Ah, but even now they slip from my talons. These past weeks have been so long, and so barren of food-”

Tuque rolled her eyes and opened her wings. “I get it,” she said. “Hold on.”

There was a whoomph as she beat her wings, a gust of wind which shook the frost off the spruce tree.

She skimmed over the river to check for trout, but all she saw was her reflection in the water. She shivered, flapped her wings, and flew a slow, lazy circle over her territory, looking, listening for-

A flash of white on white.

Instinct glowed red hot behind her eyes. She folded her wings in and fell. The air stung her face. She reached her talons forward.

The blood steamed on the snow.

She flew back to Chinook and tossed him the crumpled body of a rabbit. “Here,” she said. “Did I miss anything?”

“Not much. It’s - oo, you’ve left the eyeballs, thanks - it’s made a fire. Hasn’t done much since.”

The human was sitting in the orange glow of the fire. Just sitting. Cool, calm, and breathing huge, contended clouds of vapour into the evening air.

She shook her head.“What’s it doing here?”

“Who’sh to shay,” Chinook said around a beakful of rabbit. He swung his head up and swallowed. “Maybe it’s a mad human. Worms on the brain, or something.”

He looked at the human and cocked his head. “Might be for the best if you don’t eat it, then.”

Tuque frowned. She couldn’t tell if the implication that she would eat it was more upsetting than the idea that it had worms. “I don’t think it’s mad,” she said, “I just think-”

She paused. She sniffed the air. “Skunk?”

“You think skunk?”

“No, I smell a skunk.” She sniffed. She knew the smell. She was very familiar with it due to a hunt that had gone awry in her third summer. It mixed with the smell of smoke, thick and pungent on the wind. “I thought they didn't come this far upriver.”

“They don't.” Chinook turned his beak up to the wind and cringed. “Oh yeah, definitely skunk.”

He swallowed an eyeball and wiped the sides of his beak on the branch. “Well,” he said. “There’s a very old story. I don’t put much faith in it, but if you’d like…”

Tuque watched the human as she listened. In the old, old days (which apparently weren’t the same as the old days, which was when Chinook’s grandmother was a hatchling, and not the same as the old, old, old days, which was when Carc made the world), Mother Raven found a giant oyster washed up on the shore. It was huge, and fat, and oily, and the idea of its meat had driven her insane.

But when Mother Raven cracked the shell apart, all she found inside were creatures with hairy skin and long, spindly limbs. They shied away from the light, and Mother Raven pulled them all out of the shell. She discovered that they were clever, quick, and above all, funny. Mother Raven loved them and kept them as their own.

But as the years went by, Mother Raven discovered that while they were funny, quick, and clever, they were also cruel, and greedy, and thoughtless. They ate and killed and destroyed and left nothing for the other animals, and soon Mother Raven feared for the safety of her children.

Mother Raven had decided that the creatures had to be destroyed. First, she stole the hair from their bodies so that the winter would freeze them. Secondly, she stole their language, so that they could not speak to or ask aid from her children. Thirdly, finally, and most cruelly, she severed their connection to Carc, so that they could not eat raw meat without getting sick.

But the humans were not destroyed. They could not stand the winter, so they mastered fire and built nests that kept out the wind. They could not speak to the birds, so they only killed them and ate their flesh. They could not stand the essence of Carc, so they burned and boiled it out of whatever they ate.

Mother Raven had failed to kill the humans, and everything she had done to try had only made them more cruel, more greedy, and more thoughtless. They were the shame of Mother Raven.

By the end of the story, the human’s fire was a few low, glowing embers. The human still sat by it, nodding, nearly falling asleep.

Tuque watched it for a moment longer. She turned to look at Chinook.

“Is that story true?” she asked.

Chinook shrugged. “Who’s to say?”

Tuque thought about this. “And you have no stories for what I am, right?”

“Uh - no. No, sorry.”

Tuque thought about this as well. She looked at the human.

She opened her wings. “I’ll be right back.”

Chinook nodded. “Lovely. Bring me back an eyeball.”

She leapt. The spruce shook from the beat of her wings. “I’m going to talk to it.”

Chinook tumbled out of the tree and flapped his wings in a desperate attempt to catch up. “Wait!” he said. “No you can’t! You don’t speak Human!”

“I know some Human.” Mostly names of other ravens and crows. She decided not to mention this.

“You know less than me! And I only know a couple dozen words! Not nearly enough for a conversation!”

“I have to try.”

“Why?”

“Because it looks like me.”

There was a pause. Chinook sighed. “Fine. If I get brain worms from this thing, I’m never going to forgive you.”

Tuque folded her wings in and fell with the silence of an owl. Just before she landed she spread her wings out again and beat them with a huge gust of wind that sent snow curling.

The fire blazed, sending up a cloud of sparks. The human started, broke out of a dream to look around in a daze.

The human saw Tuque.

The human stared.

Tuque stared back. The human’s face was naked, featherless skin, with a reddish lump in the middle for a nose and two reddish lips below it for a mouth. Two huge, round, pale eyes looked out across the fire at her, and a mane of dark hair grew from underneath a shapeless red-and-grey thing it wore on its head.

It was, Tuque decided, very much like her face.

She blinked. But there were some details that were...wrong. The skin was too pale. The eyes were too red. When it opened its mouth, a cloud of thick, skunk-smelling smoke billowed out of it. Some part of her brain saw this and remembered that she didn’t see how, exactly, the human lit the fire. Could humans breathe fire? Was that one of the ways they outsmarted Mother Raven?

She saw now that there was a thing between its pale talons, a tiny white twig that glowed red at one end. Was it a weapon? Was it how the human started the fire? Was it-

There was a polite noise at her side. It was the sound of a raven clearing its throat.

“Well?” Chinook muttered.

Tuque breathed in and out. She closed her eyes. She tried to remember every Human word she knew.

“Hello,” she said. It was the name of a crow she’d met last spring. “Human.” A raven she’d met two autumns ago.

The human stared. It raised one of its talons.

“Hey,” it said.

Tuque nodded. Okay, yes, a new Human word. She didn’t know what it meant, but this was good, it was talking back to her. She raised her own talon at it. “Hey,” she mimicked.

There was a pause. A wind blew through the clearing, freezing her face and sending a whorl of snowflakes through the air, tiny pinpricks of cold that vanished instantly. Somewhere, an elk screamed.

“You’ve run out of words, haven’t you,” Chinook muttered.

“Shut up,” she hissed. At the human she said, “Bunnyhug.” A raven she’d met last winter. “Uh - Skookum.” A raven who nested just outside of her territory. “Poutine?” A crow from two summers past. “Chinook.” The name of the raven beside her, the one she’d been with for two autumns now, the one who taught her the names of the animals and the winds, and apparently not enough Human to have a conversation.

“Oh yes, you’re a natural at this.”

“Shut up.”

The human stared. Its gaze slowly turned to the glowing twig in its talons, back to Tuque, back to the twig, and then at the forest around it, like it was trying to take in the entire universe through its huge, red eyes.

Tuque breathed in, and out, and pointed a talon at herself. “Tuque,” she said.

The human stared. She took a step forward and pointed at herself again. “Tuque,” she repeated.

The human reached up, pulled the red-and-grey thing from the top of its head, and threw it down at Tuque’s feet.

Tuque looked at it. She looked at Chinook. Chinook shrugged his wings.

She grabbed the thing with one talon and frowned. “I - thanks, but I-”

The human moved forward. Tuque hopped back. The human froze.

A log shifted in the fire with a soft crunching noise.

The human moved again. It drew closer with deliberate slowness, reached out its soft, pale talons.

Tuque’s heart was beating. Her throat was dry. The red eyes stared back into hers, the nostrils breathed out huge clouds of vapour.

The pale talons unhooked the red-and-grey thing from hers and, shaking, pulled it over her head.

For a moment, she felt the skin of the human’s talon on her cheek.

Her breath caught in her throat.

Oh.

This was…

This was very nice. Very warm. Her head was squeezed with heavy warmth.

The human pulled away. It seemed to be waiting for something.

“How do you say thank you in Human?” Tuque asked Chinook.

“Thankyou,” Chinook said.

“Thankyou,” Tuque mimicked.

The human smiled. It nodded. It stood up, turned, and stumbled off into the darkness of the forest, muttering Human as it went.

Tuque recognized the word, “Whatthefuck.” It was the name of a crow she’d met last spring.

***

“This is my new favourite thing,” Tuque said.

Morning had brought another wave of winter. The skiffs of snow had thickened. The trees glittered with frost. Her breath came out in puffs of white vapour, and her head was perfectly warm.

Chinook screwed an eye up at her. “I thought we agreed it had worms on its brain,” he said.

“I’m never taking it off.”

“You’re sharing brain worms with it.”

Skookum had flown into her territory that morning to gossip. Apparently a human had stumbled into her territory and into another band of humans, babbling about a giant raven with a human’s face. The other humans had gently led it out of the forest.

She shook her head. “They just aren’t meant to be out here.”

“I mean, we’re to blame for it, aren’t we?” Chinook said. “Ravens brought fire down from the sun and gave it to the humans. That’s why we’ve got black feathers.”

Skookum screwed her eyes at him. “No, ravens stole the sun from the Giant Wolverine. That’s why we’ve got black feathers.”

“No, no, see, back in the old, old, old days-”

Tuque smiled and let the stories wash over her. There’d always be more stories. Tomorrow would be more stories. There would be deer, and rabbits, and coyotes. There might even be humans. Or a moose.

But for now, for today, the human, and the thing on her head, and the thing she’d felt when the human had put its talon on her cheek, were real.

She wondered what the word for it was.

[fericita-s]

A Study of the Classics

A new WAIL Agduna story that is pure fun and silliness.  Thank you @the-spastic-fantastic for the title and for beta-ing and helping me research the story with Relevant Photos.

Gerda set a tray down on the table in front of Thea and Iduna, neither of whom noticed.  The ice clinked gently as it settled in the pitcher of water, the tea was steaming, and the skoleboller was beautifully made with shaved coconut sprinkled along the sides of the buns like the first flakes of snow on the castle roof in winter. Gerda looked from one woman to the other, both of their gazes fixed on the open grassy area below this stretch of balcony.  She straightened up, failed to suppress a smile, and said “Your Majesty, Lady Calder, your tea.”

Iduna startled, as if caught doing something unqueenly, and put a hand to her chest.  “Oh! Oh, thank you Gerda.”

“Do you need anything else?” Gerda looked at Thea, who still had not moved, though her mouth was opened slightly as she continued to look out on the field.

“Hmmm?” Thea turned to look at Gerda. “Oh, we’re quite set.  Thank you so much.”

Gerda turned to leave and Iduna poured the tea, handing Thea a cup.

Thea nodded in thanks.  “Thank you for the tour of the skerries today.  We hadn’t been out since before Sasha was born.”  She absentmindedly dropped a sugar cube in her tea, then another two, then four, then began to stir her tea with the sugar tongs. 

“It was a treat for us as well. Thank you for suggesting your nanny watch both of the girls.  It’s so rare to be away from Elsa, even now that she’s weaned. I feel so….”  Iduna searched for the word, setting her tea cup down and deciding that ice water was more in order.  “Relaxed.”

“It was fascinating to see the new aquaculture project the academy students are managing.”  Thea took a sip of her tea and grimaced at the unexpected sweetness.  

“Yes, the brown salmon are doing very well. These skerries are an ideal location.  The enclosures are protected from the greater sea, but still provide a natural environment.” Iduna gulped her water and then brought the cool glass to her flushed cheek to feel the ice. “And of course, the scenery is quite pleasant.”

“Yes, the scenery is most pleasing,” Thea agreed.  “At the skerries.”

“Agnarr hopes to import some rainbow trout from Denmark to begin the aquaculture in ponds next. That’s why we’re hosting the ball for the Danish delegation next month.”

“Oh yes, I almost have my dress finished,” Thea said, reaching for a bun and then hitting her nose with it as she tried to bring it to her mouth.  She brushed the coconut flakes off with a napkin. 

“I don’t think I have one made yet,” said Iduna, sounding very unconcerned.  

“What. What exactly are they wearing?” Thea asked in a strangled whisper.

“To the ball?” Iduna looked at her in confusion, worried that her inattention to the conversation was too obvious.  But Thea was looking down at their husbands, facing each other in the grass, barefoot and in shorts.  Their striped shirts were tight across their chests and sleeveless, revealing arms visibly shiny with sweat and flexed in exertion and shoulders heaving in effort even from their vantage point on the balcony.

“No, now.  Right now.  What is that? What are they wearing?”

“They’re…” Iduna coughed.  “Uniforms.  It provides for range of motion.”

Thea was silent, staring.  Iduna continued. “Agnarr ordered them made for the academy.  Lord Hannesel encouraged him to provide opportunities and a curriculum for physical training as well as intellectual.”

Thea nodded, eyes still on her husband who had just shouted triumphantly as he flipped Agnarr onto his back on the grass. “Yes, it makes sense. For health purposes.”

Iduna watched as Agnarr leapt to his feet and ran into Elias with his head down, catching him in his gut, their thighs strained with the effort of remaining upright. “It’s all the rage right now on the continent in the all male schools.  But really, it goes back to ancient Greece.”

“Oh?  So it’s classical?”

“Only in ancient Greece they were naked,”  Iduna said as Thea choked on her tea.  “Obviously, we can’t do that.”

“Obviously.”  Thea coughed. 

Iduna took a deep breath as Agnarr pinned Elias to the ground and then extended his hand to help him back to his feet.  The two men immediately grabbed each other - hands behind necks, heads ducked and driven into the chest of the other.  The grunts of exertion echoed off of the castle walls.

“This is so vigorous.  What...exactly does it teach?” Thea took a sip of her tea, the sweetness unnoticed since it mostly dribbled out of the corner of her mouth.  

Iduna didn’t notice.  She also didn’t notice the flakes of coconut and crumbs from the skoleboller that fell in her lap and down into her glass of water.  “Dexterity.  Stamina.  Sportsmanship.”

“Yes.  Very important.  I noticed those attributes.” Thea nodded.  The men had now shuffled underneath the balcony and Thea was currently angling herself in a strange contortion, trying to see them.

“I believe next week Agnarr plans to do this again.  With Elias,” Iduna said as the men emerged from under the balcony, laughing and punching each other lightly in the arm.  They both dropped and began to do push-ups, and Thea and Iduna straightened in their chairs, leaning forward to see them better.

“Perhaps next week I'll bring my paints out to capture the lovely blooms,” Iduna said, gesturing to the snow buttercups nearby that neither had looked at once since sitting down.

“I learned to paint the human form at finishing school.  I could bring my set as well,” Thea said, abandoning her tea cup to grip the railing.

“Oh wonderful, I would love the company.  And perhaps since you paint the human form, we could suggest the men wrestle without their shirts.”

Thea tilted her head, watching as Elias shouted “Thirty!” and continued his push-ups. 

“Yes, it would help me.  In making an accurate representation.”

“And of course it would be more accurate for them.  True to wrestling from ancient Greece.”

“Accuracy, so important,” Thea agreed.  “And the classics are so neglected.”

Below, the men collapsed on the grass and rolled onto their backs.

“We can hear you!” Elias shouted.  “We can hear what you’re saying!”

Agnarr sat up and peeled his shirt off, using it to wipe the sweat from his forehead.  “And we can see you too.  Iduna, you have more of that skoleboller in your lap than you’ve got in your mouth,” he said with a grin.

Iduna and Thea exchanged looks and sat primly in their chairs, brushing crumbs and dabbing at their mouths with napkins.

“I have no idea what you mean,” Iduna said, hands now folded neatly in her lap, her back as straight at the turret above.  

“We’ve been speaking of aquaculture and the Danish delegation,” said Thea, similarly seated as if she was back at finishing school.

The men disappeared from view for a moment before reappearing on the balcony, chests heaving with the effort of scaling the stairs so quickly, and when Gerda walked in behind them with a tray of more food and ice water, she slowly backed out again, leaving the young couples to their laughter and half-clothed hugs.