#and today i learn that that manager may in fact be in the office after all on that day

[longroadstonowhere]

okay so there is such a fine line between 'not doing my job' and 'efficiently doing my job' and i tap dance across that line so fucking hard sometimes

[chastiefoul]

—finally giving up on your unrequited love ft. alhaitham

a/n: ouch i hurt myself writing this. wc: 1.6k words of yapping about unrequited feelings

once upon a time you were grateful for alhaitham’s indifference, the lack of anything he was being when you’re badgering him with chatters, a detailed description of your day, concerns over him, and the occasional gifts.

it seemed like a blessing once, like acceptance. the slightest open of the door, thinking you could invite yourself in and he’d embrace that fact. but as his apathy remain constant and unchanging, you’ve come to realization—an embarassing one at that.

that indifference, that should’ve been a sign for you; alhaitham will never return your feelings.

-

 a stroll a day, keeps the stressful thoughts away.

however today’s walk is just not doing it for you, once you decided to wake up from the dreamland you thought you’ve been living in. a faraway and unrealistic vision of a life where you end up together with the akademiya scribe. an exaggerated sigh escaped you at your own daydreaming. usually by now you’d be quick on your feet to visit the scribe, however the overdue revelation you had last night made you finally think twice before doing it. and only because of that now you’d realized just how much of your life was centered on the grey-haired man, which was a scary discovery, knowing just exactly how little you mattered to his.

you found an empty bench mid-walk, immediately sitting on it. you leaned back, both of your hands holding your weight as you look above. the sky was clear that day, but your mind was clearer, as if a thick fog has finally been lifted.

seriously, what have you been doing all this time? giving your all to someone who wanted none of you. alhaitham’s curt nod, his brief and short responses really should’ve been a clue as to how he felt about you. yet you kept being stubborn, and sometimes hope was human’s greatest enemy. what should have been a bare minimum gesture he did, your mind managed to twist it into something more; clinging to it like a water on a desert. when it turned out that was exactly all there was to it—a mirage.

you chuckled sadly. even remembering those pathetic displays, you couldn’t bring yourself to fully regret having this feeling towards alhaitham. those moments where you’d steal a glance at him and felt like the world was okay. you would not allow yourself to forget that as you became more selfish, wanting him to look at you and feel the same. but here you were, reluctantly learning to accept the fact that he may never does.

suddenly a shadow loomed over you, shielding you from the sunlight you didn’t realize was so bright.

a familiar blond invaded your vision. “(y/n)?” he called out unsure, not expecting you to be there. “oh hi there, kaveh,” you lightly said, as if your heavy train of thoughts hadn’t existed at all. you adjusted your sitting position, shifting yourself to the side as you spare an empty spot beside you for him to sit. kaveh swiftly took your silent offer up, making himself as comfortable as he could on the wooden bench. “i spotted you from afar and you seemed a little troubled, hopefully i was wrong?” the ever so kind kaveh spoke up, and you couldn’t help but smile. kaveh always felt like a friend more than alhaitham ever was, albeit knowing him after you got to know the scribe. you weren’t even sure if the grey-haired man would ever mention even a word about his roommate if it wasn’t for you hanging wround on his office on a peaceful lunch break when the fuming blond barged in and yell at him about a key.

as it turned out, it’s a known fact that most people became quiet irritable when it comes to being in contact with the curt and aloof scribe, since kaveh has been nothing but a good friend since the day he gave you a weird look about wanting to get close to the acting grand master.

“it’s kind of complicated to say,” you started, thinking of the words as you went on. “let’s just say i’m having a quite bittersweet moment.”

you rested your gaze on the bustling street in front of you. he nodded in reply, “i’m guessing it’s more bitter than it is sweet?” he asked genuinely as you smiled once more despite not feeling a drop of mirth. “i suppose so,” you replied curtly, not knowing what to say to his keen observation. keen and exactly correct.

it’s the kind of bitterness that lingered. a kind of flavor you’d expected, since you’re the one who put it in. still, when that sharp taste hit your tongue you couldn’t help but flinch. after all, things don’t stop affecting you even though you saw it coming from miles away. you just hoped the sweetness will get stronger overtime, overpowering as it wash down the unpleasant aftertaste.

kaveh mirrored your smile in return except his looked particularly patronizing, as if he could sense your helplessness.

“will you tell me what happened?” his voice sounded gentle, a care you’ve never heard from the man you’d give a limb to for him to say things along that line. how do you even begin to answer such a simple question? nothing happened, and that’s why it was the problem. the fact that you’re the only one who’s mulling all over this, being so conflicted to what he thought must be nothing. a pain so overwhelming that’s swirling all over your chest while his biggest inconvenient that day was probably a typo made in a document made by a lousy student.

the whole thing just sounded so... pathetic.

“nothing happened... it’s just, i have decided to finally give up on something,” you try your best to sound nonchalant despite having no bravery to look at him, scared that he didn’t look like he believed you.

“well, i might know a thing or two about it. sometimes when an architecture project is too... unreasonable,” kaveh paused, the word tasted like a sour lime on his mouth. “there’s no way but to give it up. especially if you take a step back as take the whole picture from many aspects; in my case, there are budget, location, materials, and so on. there would definitely be some regret about letting go especially an ambitious task, however i think many of my past-self would really like to give the present-me a big gratitude for not forcing it through,” he rambled on, despite having no idea what were you referring on. “even sometimes, the reward was just not worth the risk, you know?” he ended it at that, throwing the question at you.

you swallowed on nothing, but you needed that to let out a reply.

“yes, i do know.”

“yeah? does this mean in your case, whatever you were fighting for was not worth it in the end?”

oh, that’s the worst part. you knew, you knew it with your heart, body and soul that it would be so worth it if there’s an outcome, a scenario where alhaitham might return your feelings. oh it would be so worth it. you could smile, just imagining how worth it would it be.

but that was all it was. an unattainable imagination. an ending that you couldn’t allow yourself to be so cocky to reach.

kaveh waited for your respond patiently, but when the silence had gone for too long he moved his stare to you. he widened his eyes, his gaze softened.

“i don’t think you’re as okay as you made yourself to be,” he said softly, as you felt your cheeks wet by the uninvited tears, running along freely across your face. yet, you couldn’t make an effort to stop them, your heart knew more than anyone you needed that. to feel the sadness, to recognize it.

to let go of the fact that alhaitham will never return your feelings.

kaveh was just quiet as you sobbed quietly, putting a handkerchief silently at the space between you both. there is no empty consolation, no comforting words, no small pats on the back. there’s just silence, a little safe bubble for you to cry in without people coming over to you and asked why.

giving up is such a funny thing, how could doing it hurt more than to keep trying even though you received no sign of reciprocity at all? but you knew the answer of that.

when there hasn’t been a rejection, it’s in everyone’s nature to have hope. a hope that there’s a chance of obtaining something you’ve wished for. a chance that something could happen.

giving up means finality. a state of accepting an outcome you hadn’t wanted. a result you never asked for. an ending where all that’s left was what should have and what could have. a harsh reality people could only accept as it dangled the possibilities and visions of what ‘could have happened’ if you’d just kept trying right in front of your eyes.

like chasing your own shadow; a fun thing to do when you’re a child, but now it’s just a fitting metaphor, reminding you of a fool’s way who love in such a pathetic way.

-

once upon a time you were grateful for alhaitham’s indifference, the lack of anything he was being when you’re badgering him with chatters, a detailed description of your day, concerns over him, and the occasional gifts.

but now it’s definitely a curse. after all, anything that has to do with love was not indifference.

it was never, indifference.

---

the urge to write this in alhaitham pov........................ should i?

[dilatorywriting]

Heroes vs. Villains : The Staff

Platonic GN!Reader x NRC Staff vs. RSA Staff Word Count: 2.7k

Summary: Woe to the Ramshackle Prefect, being caught up in the drama between the Disney Villains and their respective heroes. NRC Staff Version (Part 1: Crewel and Crowley)

ie. Headmaster Crowley is a nightmare, and Professor Crewel is, well, cruel. And to be perfectly honest, after meeting another dog-loving professor who doesn't treat you like absolute garbage, the Royal Sword Academy is starting to look a lot more appealing.

[PART 1] [PART 2] [PART 3] [PART 4]

‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me!’

Crowley had chirped that very sentiment to you ad nauseum, with all the enthusiasm of an old raven eyeing a shiny penny.

“Do you really believe that?” you sniffled, angry, as you sat slumped over in one of his rickety office chairs.

People at this stupid school were mean. And yeah, school yard insults and casual accusations of being the House Wardens’ little bitch were one thing—but these assholes would go right for the throat. All of your insecurities—your fears—all laid out like a nice spread of hors d'oeuvres ready for the picking. You had endured enough sharp barbs for a lifetime, and the fact that your glorious Headmaster and self-proclaimed parental figure kept writing it all off as a ‘learning experience’ was driving you mad.

“Of course I do, dear child!” he beamed. “What sort of educator would I be if I didn’t practice what I preach! Words are but the wind, as they say!”

You nodded, sage, and shot him a smile so sugary sweet it could rot the teeth right out of his skull.

“I wish I’d never met you and I hope that all your feathers fall off one by one,” you chirped. “And I use the ‘Number One Child’ mug you gave me to scoop water out of the toilets when the plumbing fails.”

Crowley’s mouth fell open with a nearly audible clunk, and if he weren’t so wrapped up in all kinds of immoral, black magic, bull-shittery, you would have liked to imagine that maybe that had been the sound of his heart cracking in his stupid, embroidery-covered, chest.  

You popped up from your chair and breezily made your way to the exit. You propped yourself up against the intricate, wooden, frame and clapped your hands together like a bubbly preschool teacher addressing a room full of particularly dull children.  

“I’m glad we could get that out in the open in a completely pain-free way. Words really can’t hurt anyone!”

You managed to slip the door closed just as he started to wail.

.

.

That afternoon you made your way to Professor Crewel’s office, as had become your routine. It was nice. Sometimes you would help him grade papers, sometimes you would just nibble on fancy cookies and listen as he ranted about the incompetence of certain staff members which shall not be named.

Sometimes his dogs were with him in the afternoons—a pair of giant, lithe, wolf-like beasts that were most certainly of a very proud and expensive lineage. Jasper was the black one and Badun the white, and each had a coat so glossy and well-maintained that they could put your own hair care to shame. Badun was enthusiastic, charismatic, and would bound to greet anyone who entered. Jasper was more quiet, reserved, but he was secretly your favorite of the duo. Whenever you stopped in after classes, the shadowy hound would lumber over and rest his giant head in your lap.

“No puppies today?” you called when you were greeted with silence rather than a wave of happy kisses.

“They’re in for their groom,” Crewel mumbled, busy at work with his head bowed over some lab reports or other. Normally he would grouchily correct you that his two precious pooches were adults. Dogs. And should be addressed as such. He must have been really distracted today. Or maybe you were just wearing him down.

You settled into the lovely, plush, chair off to the side that you had long since claimed as your own, and set your bookbag on the floor by your feet with a thump.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence with nothing but the sound of scratching ink over paper to break up the monotony, Professor Crewel dropped his head into his hands with a miserable sort of sigh.

“You should not have spoken to Crowley as you did.”

You blinked, startled. “What?”

“I of all people understand how frustrating the Headmaster’s antics can be,” Crewel continued, firm. “But you are still a student of this Institution—and one in a precarious enough position as it is. So you need to be mindful of your tongue.”

Indignation roiled through your gut, followed by a sharp prick of disquiet that you couldn’t quite place.

“Then he should be mindful to treat me like a student and not some—some pet project,” you huffed, kicking irritably at your patched backpack for want of nothing else to do. “And besides, what’ll he even do? Expel the one person in this entire college who mops up every single one of his messes? And I mean, it’s not like he’s running around the school crying or anything. I wasn’t that mean.”

Crewel pinched the bridge of his nose and you paused, mouth parting in surprise.

“Oh come on, he did not.”

“In the name of preserving our esteemed leader’s dignity I will say no more on the matter,” he grit out, and you fought the urge to immediately whip out your phone to message Ace, and Cater, and every other rabid gossip you could think of.

“Well, maybe he deserved it,” you snipped, crossing your arms stubbornly across your chest. A bit of cautious warmth spread through you and you nervously plucked at one of the loose threads on your uniform sleeve. “And besides,” you mumbled. "He can cry about me calling him a shitty father all he wants. You’ve been way more of a dad to me here than he could ever try to be.”

“I beg your pardon.”

You froze, fingers locking in place around the picked-apart edges of your jacket. The ice in his voice was unfamiliar and entirely unpleasant. It sent a frigid wave of worry curling through your veins. Had you overstepped? You’d thought—You’d just thought—

“I-I mean,” you spluttered. “I only meant that, well… Uhm… You’re really nice to spend time with. A-And, I just…” He made you feel like you were home again. Like even though Ramshackle was empty and cold, that you could still walk into this little office and say ‘I’m back!’ to an actual, real-life person and not just the shadows that lived in your foyer.

“Let me be perfectly clear, Prefect,” he sneered. There was an undercurrent of hostility running so sharply through every word that you were left wondering frantically if you’d unintentionally trampled over a sensitive topic. You hadn’t thought it was a big deal. You just—you just really, really looked up to him. And felt safe with him. And—And—

‘I’m sorry,’ you wanted to say. But instead you just let out an odd kind of choked squeak.

“I have no intention of playing parent to anyone,” he snapped. “Let alone an untrained brat who can’t even be bothered to play civil with the people who do attempt to care for them.”

Ouch.

“R-Right,” you spluttered, swallowing around the burbling lump in your throat and the warmth prickling along your lash line. “O-Of course. I’m sorry for assuming. I—I… uhm…”

‘I’ll just go then.’

But just like with failed apology, those four little syllables just couldn’t seem to make it past your lips either. So instead you just shakily snatched your bag from the floor and bolted from his office, burrowing your stinging cheeks as far into your collar as they would go. The last thing you needed to do was give anyone at this stupid school any more ammunition against you. And ‘Cry Baby Prefect’ sounded like another nasty nickname that would stick to you like gum to a flat-heeled shoe.

It’s fine, you whispered to yourself, voice wobbling far more than you would have liked. Grim hated when you came back smelling like dogs anyways.

.

.

“My goodness, are you alright?”

You blinked, harried, and glanced around yourself properly for what felt like the first time in hours. You were… not on campus anymore. Huh. What a trip. You’d never been so upset that you’d blindly run off into an entire new town before. But you supposed there was a first time for everything. You did remember feeling too nauseous to return to your little hovel for the evening, but you hadn’t really expected your frantic pacing to take you quite this far out of the way.

“Hello? Can you hear me?”

Oh. Someone was talking to you, weren’t they?

Standing in front of you was a tall, lanky, man in a tweed jacket. He was stooped down a bit to make eye contact with you, and those hazel eyes were creased with worry. His blonde hair was pushed half-off his forehead in a style that looked more haphazard than intentional, and the hand he was offering you was littered with splotches of ink. There were patches of white and black dog fur littered across his entire outfit like some horrible fashion statement, and the thought of puppies made your throat tighten up all over again.

“My name is Cliff Rogerson,” he said, steady and kind. “I’m one of the instructors at the Royal Sword Academy. Are you lost? Do you know how to get home from here?”

Do you know how to get home?

You laughed once, manic, and then promptly burst into tears.

“Oh, dear,” he sighed, his heavy brow furrowing low with concern, and patted you consolingly on the shoulder. “Oh, dear.”

You were herded into a nearby café and directed into one of the quiet, corner, booths. The lights were soft and fuzzy in here, and the pleasant warmth of fresh pastries brushed gingerly along your frayed nerves. Mister Rogerson pressed a steaming mug of hot chocolate into your hands, and placed a delicately wrapped muffin off to the side of it. It was a tempting offering, and you decided to unbury your head from your hands long enough to partake.

“So how did you end up out here, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I’m a student at Night Raven,” you mumbled into your cocoa.

You could tell he was doing his best not to look shocked, which was at least a dozen steps above the way the rest of your stupid school would just gawk at you in outright consternation.

“Forgive me,” he smiled, gentling his apprehension into something that was more polite curiosity that anything. “But you don’t really seem like one of their usual pupils.”

So you explained your situation—the Mirror, and the magiclessness, and the homelessness. You talked about your friends, and your new demon cat/evil baby, and how much you missed stupid things like good shower pressure and fuzzy socks. Mister Rogerson listened to all of it with an attentive sort of sympathy that you hadn’t seen since, well, probably since you were dropped face-first into a school full of burgeoning war criminals.  

“That sounds like a time and a half,” he said once you’d finally tired yourself out. “I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all that.”

You picked at your muffin. It was ridiculously fluffy and eating it felt like pulling bits and pieces out of a cloud. A very, very delicious cloud.

“Forgive me for saying so,” he hummed, pensive. “But your situation doesn’t sound particularly safe.”

You laughed. “That’s one word for it.”

Mister Rogerson frowned, another twitch of that uneasy worry playing across his face. He ruffled around in his jacket pocket for a moment and pulled out a neat, cream colored, business card.

“It may be overstepping of me to offer, but at the same time I do think as an educator it’s my duty to try and help every student that I can,” he smiled, kind. It crinkled the skin around his eyes. “The RSA is not overly far from Night Raven College. If you ever want to stop by—if you ever need an ear to listen, or just a space to get away from it all—my door will always be open to you.”

You took the little piece of paper carefully, like it was something precious. There were swirls of colorful music notes splattered across the backdrop of it—raucous bursts of neons that were as endearing as they were ugly.

‘Tacky,’ spat a too-familiar voice in the back of your head. ‘What sort of statement was this lowlife trying to make?‘ You could practically feel the phantom distaste emanating from wherever a certain two-toned professor had camped out for the evening.

Probably at home, you thought bitterly. Because he has a home, right? And you are not at all upset that you will never be welcomed into it. And that you will probably never get to cuddle his puppies ever again. Nope. Not at all.

You swallowed the little burst of unpleasantness that accompanied the train of thought, and pocketed the card with a smile.

“Thank you. I’ll definitely have to take you up on that.”

.

.

.

Divus Crewel was many things, and unfortunately, being as cruel as his namesake was often one of them. He glanced back to the clock ticking on his wall for what was perhaps the dozenth time that hour. You hadn’t been by since his—ah—outburst a few weeks prior.

He had perhaps reacted a bit more unpleasantly than he normally would have. You’d just… caught him off guard was all. It was a bold declaration you’d made, and what? Had you really expected him to be overjoyed by the idea of forced parenthood? To swoon over the notion that someone had decided to latch onto him and his perfectly pressed suit like a leech despite the fact that he was so obviously thriving in his life of solitude?

And it wasn’t that he expected you to take his biting comments lying down. Oh no. You were fierce, and determined, and were most likely on your way here to bang down his door demanding recompenses for all your suffering. There was a tray of those too-expensive cookies you liked tucked away in his top drawer. Just in case you did show up and throw one of your tantrums, and he needed something quick to pacify you. That… That was all.

But each day that he waited for you to sneak back into his office was another spent in quiet solitude. Badun had taken to whining at the door and Jasper hardly got up from his bed at all—just tucked his black nose into his equally black paws and stared straight into Crewel’s soul. Like he was judging him.

He caught himself glancing at the clock again and forcibly turned back to his work.

This was ridiculous. You were ridiculous. And stubborn. And so, very, danger prone. Had something happened maybe? Was that why you’d disappeared—because you’d gotten caught up in some sort of trouble again?

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick—

He looked back at the clock.

Tick. Tick. Tick—

His office door flew open with a BANG and he swiveled in his chair, ready to chastise you for making such a ridiculous entrance. Instead, he ended up nearly nose-to-nose with a weeping Dire Crowley. The man wailed into his clawed hands, looking very much like he might accidentally stab himself in the eye all the while.

“HOW AM I SUCH A FAILURE OF A PARENT?!” he bawled. “WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE TO PREVENT THIS?!”

“What?” Crewel gaped, head spinning. “What’s happened?”

Crowley let out another inhuman squawk and shoved a piece of parchment into the alchemist’s crimson-gloved hands. It was torn at the top, likely from where it’d been pinned to something before the raving Headmaster had swiped it. Crewel read over the familiar script with narrowed eyes, something unpleasant twisting in his belly.

‘The Ramshackle Prefect kindly sends their regards, but unfortunately has other commitments for this evening. Please contact Professor Cliff Rogerson of the RSA music department in case of an emergency.’

“MY BABY LEFT ME!” Crowley sobbed, nearly inconsolable. “WHO’S GOING TO DO MY TAXES NOW?!”

The leather of Crewel’s gloves groaned in protest as his hands tightened into fists—his nails biting into his palm even through the sturdy material.  

“What do we even do?” the old crow lamented, sounding so genuinely crestfallen it was almost unnerving.

Jasper and Badun circled their master’s ankles wearily, eyes bright and lips twitching with nervous whines.

“I think,” Crewel grit out, the note crumpling between his fingers, “that it’s well past time that we have a chat with the Prefect about the importance of personal safety. And of the consequences of running off with strangers.”

.

.

.

[accio-victuuri]

from this article: 10 short stories about "Formed Police unit" 📝 ( i included general facts and the ones related to Bobo )

The action blockbuster "Formed Police Unit", which brings together actors such as Huang Jingyu, Wang Yibo, Zhong Chuxi, Ou Hao and other actors, was released on May 1st this year and topped the box office in the first two days.

Before the screening, the producer Liu Weiqiang and director Li Dachao of "Formed Police Unit" shared the behind-the-scenes story of the film with the Entertainment Management Studio . During the exchange, they talked many times about the need to "shoot with care" and "correctly" when making movies today. Movies need to be awe-inspiring.”

Liu Weiqiang revealed that the film took 75 days to shoot and was 10 days overdue. The investors also fully supported it because they wanted to provide the best results for the audience. The following ten short stories let us know more about "Formed Police Unit".

ONE

The story theme of "Formed Police Unit" was proposed by director Li Dachao. In 2010 , Li Dachao saw a piece of news about a peacekeeping police officer returning to China after his death. The urn was covered with the national flag and the police standing on both sides saluted solemnly. Li Dachao was thinking about it at that time. I was moved, " At that time, I was thinking about what peacekeeping was, and later I learned that they are such a noble and selfless profession, all dedicated to contributing to the local people. "

I thought of this subject in 2010 , but the film didn't start filming until a few years ago. Li Dachao believes that timing is very important, " You see how much the world needs peace now, I think it is very important to express the spirit of peacekeeping. "

FOUR

"Formed Police Unit" is the first film starring Wang Yibo. Liu Weiqiang revealed that Wang Yibo was very cautious when accepting projects. When discussing the script, he was moved by the role of Yang Zhen.

At that time, Wang Yibo had a small worry, that is, there was a scene with teenage Yang Zhen in the movie. "He was worried that if it were played by another young actor, whether the two would be able to synchronize the performance. The little Yang Zhen we found and He looks quite similar, so he feels relieved when he sees it.”

FIVE

At the end of the film, Yang Zhen had a scene where he was beaten by an enemy. In order to guide Wang Yibo to perform the real pain, director Li Dachao said: "I pinched him before starting the movie. After pinching him, he screamed. I said this feeling was... By the way, you have to keep it real, and you have to magnify the pain of being pinched 100 times. "

SIX

The crew learned from former peacekeeping police officers who had actually participated in peacekeeping operations that when they went on missions, they would spread Chinese culture locally, teach Chinese and martial arts, and usually grow vegetables in the base where they were stationed.

The crew also built a vegetable garden on the set, and the props team was responsible for growing vegetables and watering them. There was a scene where the peacekeepers went to pick vegetables. "An interesting fact is that almost all the vegetables were dug up by Wang Yibo. He dug them too fast. I said wait, I haven't turned on the camera yet," director Li Dachao said with a smile.

SEVEN

Wang Yibo was still a newcomer to the film industry when filming "Formed Police Unit", but Liu Weiqiang's impression of him was that he was very smart, "You see, he usually doesn't make a sound, but when he does, he is very powerful. He is an observation-type actor, and a good actor is like this , observe first, and after observing, he will know which points he ne

EIGHT

The peacekeeping team in the movie is designed according to the real peacekeeping configuration, two armored vehicles + snipers + liaison officers, etc. Each character has his or her own plot mission. For example, Ou Hao plays the team leader, and he is a role model. As a police officer, he uses his lines to express the spirit of the peacekeeping police; Gu Jiacheng's character and Yang Zhen grew up together in the police station, and he played a catalyst role in Yang Zhen's growth.

The director revealed that in order to prepare the soldiers' strong bodies and performance conditions, the actors of the Peacekeeping Team spontaneously trained, ran, gained muscle, tanned, and encouraged each other before filming began. Huang Jingyu said that the first half of the movie was shot in the daytime, and in the end it was all night scenes. The action scenes were shot all night long, and it was raining. If you didn't reserve your physical strength, you wouldn't be able to persevere.

NINE

Based on the longitude and latitude, landforms, vegetation, weather and climate characteristics of the mission area in the movie, the crew found a filming location that could simulate the African environment and built an entire city, including slums, streets, squares, seaside stilt houses, etc.

The last major scene of rescuing witnesses during a stormy night had to wait for the tide to change during the actual shooting. The tide rose every four hours at that time. In order to show the harsh environment in the storm, we had to wait until the tide rose to shoot. It took 15 days to complete

article source

[cannedapricot]

oatmilk shaken espresso. || ldh

in which you dread heading into your weekly shifts at the coffee shop 5 minutes away from campus. between your inconsiderate manager telling you to lock up and the 4pm after school rush, you always claim to be a hair's drop away from submitting your two weeks. to make matters worse, you're always scheduled with a man who never seems to shut up. however, his one saving grace is his delectable shaken espressos, which may or may not be the single reason you haven't stormed out yet.

word count: 3.1k

genre, warnings: fluff, slice of life, one sided enemies to lovers?, college!au, coffee shop!au, mentions of consuming alcohol, profanities, one singular "that's what she said" joke

a/n: cracks bones im back from the dead with a university degree and a stiff spine. i haven't written in a hot minute so this might be a mess but i hope you enjoy it nonetheless!

4:30PM, WEDNESDAY - DONGHYUCK, RENJUN, Y/N

4:30pm on a Wednesday is the worst shift anyone had to work. Some of your friends would argue that the closing shift on Fridays are actually the worst ("I want to be piss drunk on the streets, not working."), but it was precisely because everyone would be out drinking, no one would think to set foot into the coffee shop on the corner. No students in uniform flooding the cramped shop, no office workers fighting the crowds for that espresso shot to get them through the week, and most of all, no Lee Donghyuck, your worst nightmare.

It was a known fact that Donghyuck, who also goes by his loving nickname Haechan, never shows up to work on a Friday evening. Even if rostered. One look at his social media and you would know where he's at on a bustling Friday, the student bar. This drove whoever was on shift nuts until eventually, the manager learned to not roster him for the dreaded Friday closing shift. Which meant, for you, Friday was bliss and you would do anything for that shift.

Instead, you were rostered for the closing shift on a Wednesday. Upon clocking in and donning the coffee colored apron, you were greeted by an annoying grin.

"Ooh, y/n, we're closing together tonight, you'll get to be with me alone."

You almost spun right around and left the shop at his teasing voice and grotesque wink. If it weren't for Renjun asking you to take orders because he has his hands full, you swore you would've left.

And so, with a deep sigh and a fake smile plastered on your face, you start another shift at your minimum wage customer service job.

"Welcome to Coffee House Aroma, what can I get for you today?"

12:30PM, SATURDAY - DONGHYUCK, JISUNG, Y/N

"Stop glancing at the clock, time isn't going to tick by any faster."

You scowl at Haechan in response, settling the mug you were drying down with more force than you originally planned. Your shift started at 6am today and ended in half an hour, you were ecstatic at the thought of leaving. Haechan, to nobody's surprise, showed up hung over this morning and was extremely confused when you told him he had to train the new barista today.

"Shit, that was today?" he had said, fingers combing through his hair in attempt to recall this information. Jisung, the new recruit simply stood there, flustered, as you felt the heat rise to your cheeks in frustration.

The entire morning was spent with you teaching Jisung the reigns of working at a coffee shop while Haechan spent it in the back storeroom, claiming it was helping his headache. Thank goodness it was a Saturday morning, which meant business was slow as everyone was sleeping in instead of making their usual morning commute. Otherwise, you would've decked the man in the face.

"Well, excuse me for hoping I can leave faster." Spinning on your heel, you grab a shaker, wanting to make yourself the signature drink that always managed to bring your spirits up.

"Making something?"

"Yeah, iced brown sugar oatmilk shaken espresso."

Haechan hums in response, eyes following your figure as you try find the lid of the said shaker.

"I'll make it for you today," he offers, "an apology for coming in hung over."

"Huh?"

"Don't make that face, you'll get wrinkles." He winks before yanking the shaker out of your grasp. Your fingers fly to your face in attempt to smooth out any lines that may have appeared, only for your brows to furrow again at the sight of your worst enemy producing the lid out of his pocket.

"If I get any premature wrinkles, they're all on you."

"What an honor."

Jisung returns shortly after the exchange, blubbering about how the trash bin outside wouldn't close, so you left momentarily to sort it out. By the time you come back inside, Haechan had finished the coffee and left it on the counter for you.

You take a sip.

He smirks at your reaction.

The stupid shaken espresso was delicious.

11:00AM, THURSDAY - DONGHYUCK, Y/N

"Enjoy the rest of your shift!" The glass door triggers the bell to chime as Renjun leaves for the day, having completed another morning rush. You wave in response before watching him dash across the crossing while the light was still green for pedestrians.

"He's in a rush today." Haechan comments, leaning on the till.

"Meeting with some friends before class apparently. I think he's trying to impress this girl in the group." You allow yourself to snicker at the thought.

The past few shifts involved you pestering Haechan to know what he did to your coffee to make it taste better than when you made it yourself. He always shrugged at the question with a smug grin.

"Maybe I'm just better." He'd say.

Of course, you weren't a sore loser or anything. But you've been trying to recreate the taste every shift you've been on to no avail. Haechan, being the absolute bane of your existence, would laugh at your attempts.

Perhaps he caught you staring at the shaker. Your co-worker strolls up to you and teasingly puts an arm around your shoulder.

"Missing my coffee?"

"Fuck off."

"Ouch, that's so cold of you." Though the words sounded accusatory and offended, the mischievous glint in his eyes told you he felt the opposite.

"How about I make you my shaken espresso again?"

"Really?"

"If you refer to me as "my beautiful angel of a co-worker Hyuckie" I'll consider it."

"Nevermind, I'll figure it out myself."

9:00AM, SUNDAY - JISUNG, RENJUN, Y/N

Sometimes, you really admire Renjun's ability to be able to open the shop on time. He always seemed to prefer opening shifts. 5:00am wasn't the ideal starting time but somehow, Renjun is always there fully awake and greeting you with a bright smile.

You, on the other hand, showed up with messy hair, bags under your eyes, and a crumpled shirt. The iconic underpaid and overworked college student look. It didn't help that you stayed up late the night before to finish a five page essay. You must've looked like you just rose from the dead because when Jisung came in at 6:00am on the dot, he asked,

"Are you feeling alright?"

Yeah, you were never agreeing to a 5:00am shift ever again. At least it was a short shift, because in an hour, you got to leave with big plans for the day ahead (a nap).

"Y/n, could you clean the table by the window please?"

With a cleaning rag and a spray bottle as your chosen weapons, you find your way to the said table under Renjun's instructions. Only a few crumbs, a glass, and a plate to clean. That's not bad at all, you've had much worse.

You hummed a happy tune as you stacked the mug and dish. Once you overlook the inhuman starting time, the shift wasn't so bad. You had your two favorite co-workers with you, the only people in on a Sunday morning were gossiping middle aged ladies, and you got the whole day ahead to do whatever you wanted.

This small bit of happiness lasted until you looked up and out the window, making direct eye contact with Haechan, who was on the opposite side of the street, waiting for the signal to cross.

So much for a peaceful morning.

"Good morning- oh y/n, you look terrible."

"This is my normal face what do you mean?"

"Terribly nice!"

Jisung stifles a giggle at the exchange and you look at him, betrayed.

"Haechan, you're here early. Your shift doesn't start until 10." Renjun double checks the time as Haechan moves behind the counter to give the opener a hug.

Which was obviously dodged.

"My 8am class finished early so I thought I'd drop by and check on my favorite people."

A scowl found its way onto your face at his statement and your stomach threatened to empty the croissant you ate an hour prior.

"Well, since Haechan's here early, y/n, you can finish early. Remember to clock out."

With sigh of relief and a high five with Jisung, you happily moved to the locker room to take your apron off.

"Alright, I'll be going for the day then- whose drink is this?" A cup of coffee on the counter catches your eye as you bid farewell.

"Oh, Haechan said it's for you."

An oatmilk shaken espresso.

7:30PM, TUESDAY - DONGHYUCK, MARK

No matter how much you tried to convince yourself the opposite, you couldn't deny that Coffee House Aroma was the perfect place to study. Not only was it only a five minute walk from campus, as staff, you get free coffee. Which meant unlimited refills as you slave over your final assignments before Christmas break.

The scent of coffee being brewed, the sound of rain hitting the windows, the fireplace crackling from the 12 hour long video on Youtube, was there anything more perfect?

Though you admit, you forgot that Haechan and his best buddy, Mark, would be on shift today. So periodically, you would hear giggles coming from behind the counter.

"Hey y/n, listen to this, Mark said his lecturer gave him extra marks for the embarrassing lyrics he wrote on the back of his test sheet." Haechan makes himself comfortable in the seat opposite yours as Mark throws a paper straw at him jokingly.

"It was for a creative writing class alright? It somewhat makes sense to get extra points for that."

"Why do you have tests for creative writing? What are they testing you on?"

"To be honest, I have no idea - and I took the test."

The boys burst into a fit of giggles again as you simply roll your eyes and return to your studies.

"I see that smile on your face, y/n. It's alright, you can laugh. You don't have to be cold to me all the time you know."

"I'm not cold to you all the time. Only when you're being insufferable."

"So all the time." Mark comments, disregarding Haechan's fake pained expression and presenting a slice of cake in front of you.

"New cake the managers said we'd be selling from next week. Of course, we're special so we get to taste it beforehand."

"Don't mind if I do."

"Hyuck, you've already had your slice, this one's for y/n."

You stuck your tongue out in flaunt before taking a bite of the dessert, watching as the man in front of you pouts.

"This is good! It's the perfect cake to go alongside coffee."

"Sounds like someone wants the Haechan special shaken espresso."

"You're being insufferable."

After letting out a fake cry, Haechan dramatically runs behind the counter, probably to seek comfort from his friend. You shake you head before letting yourself be swept away by the lullaby that is your lecture recording with a small smile on your face.

9:00PM, FRIDAY - DONGHYUCK, Y/N

Upon looking at the roster earlier that week, you nearly cried out of joy seeing that you were assigned to Friday's closing shift. Even better that they rostered Haechan with you, because he most definitely wasn't showing up.

You loved being the only one behind the counter at a closing shift. You loved watching the customers and guessing the reason as to why they're at a coffee shop late at night. The quiet whispers and giggles from the loving couple that's enjoying a date, the student frantically scribbling exam notes, tight grip on their pen, the group of cheerleaders after a game, chattering about their win. There was so much happening, yet not much at all. You loved it.

The door swings open, bell chiming, letting a cool breeze into the warm shop.

"Welcome to Coffee House Aroma- oh."

"Pleased to see me?"

His usual cocky grin plastered on his face, Haechan crosses his arms and leans against the counter separating the two of you. Clad in a leather jacket and gel in his hair, it was evident he had planned to be someplace else.

"Aren't you supposed to be at a bar somewhere?"

"How could I be drinking when I'm rostered on for tonight?"

"Haechan, be real, you never show up on Friday nights. Why are you here?"

"I missed you." He says, teasing laced in his voice. You turn away from him in embarrasment and scoff. Part of you assumed he was drunk and got seperated from his friends, but you couldn't smell alcohol on him at all.

"Well, you're about," you check the time, "five hours late. We close in an hour."

"Better late than never. I'll make your favorite drink in apology."

Before you could come up with a clever response, Haechan jumps over the counter (thank goodness it was clear of anything) and grabs a shaker.

"Also, you live on campus, yeah?" He asks, grinding beans into the portafilter.

"Yeah, why?"

"I'll walk you home."

5:30PM, MONDAY - DONGHYUCK, MARK, Y/N

"Caramel Frappuccino for, uh, Shohei?"

Monday was nobody's favorite. Back to classes, back to work, back to the coffee shop rush hour. The three of you on shift at Coffee House Aroma were extremely busy. Mark was manning the till while you and Donghyuck were flying on your feet, making sure the orders were made and sent out.

It was always during rush time that you see a side to Donghyuck you usually don't see. A focused and serious Donghyuck who did his work efficiently without any extra steps. You didn't mind this polar opposite side to him. In fact, it made for good marks in your books. Though you would rather die than to admit that you miss his teasing when he passes you on the floor.

"Ugh." You let your head fall into your arms at the counter. The rush had died down and the three of you finally got to take a breather.

"I can't anymore, I'm going on break." Donghyuck drags himself to the break room, groaning dramatically, per usual.

"So dramatic." You mutter under your breath. You then turn around to do some dishes piling in the sink only to bump into a smirking Mark.

"So... What's up with you two?"

"What do you mean?"

"I can't help but notice that you're calling him by his actual name rather than "Haechan" these days."

Your ears suddenly feel hot and ticklish.

"Well, Donghyuck's his name isn't it? It's not weird for me to call him that."

Mark hums, an eyebrow raised while you shuffle past, eyes on the tiled ground.

"He didn't drink and left early last Friday. Said he had to take someone home. Know what that's about?"

Last Friday? He showed up to a shift he never shows up to and walked you home.

Oh.

"And I also heard about that time he made you your favorite coffee after hearing about how tired you were." your co-worker didn't even try to hide his intentions, "Renjun told me."

"You should check on him. I heard sudden changes in personality isn't good news."

Mark says nothing, a grin etched on his face. Instead, he messages Renjun.

"There's definitely something going on."

"I told you so."

4:30PM, WEDNESDAY - DONGHYUCK, RENJUN, Y/N

Wish as you may, the shift you dread will always come rolling around in the end. Yet again, you find yourself behind the counter at Coffee House Aroma, the clock hitting 4:30pm with a familiar annoying presence by your side. Renjun called in sick, you don't blame him - the storm was raging outside, you wouldn't want to get caught in that either. But thanks to the buckets of rain, the coffee shop was quiet. Everyone was rushing to get to the warmth of their homes, no one even thinking about stopping by for coffee.

"The rain doesn't look like it's going to stop any time soon." Donghyuck says, chewing on the straw to his drink. You sigh, glancing at the clouds through the glass.

"Hopefully it at least gets lighter around 10 - I really don't want to get wet on my way back."

"That's what she said."

His joke was met with a glare.

"You set it up, not me."

The shop was empty, save from the two of you. Both of you were leaning against the counter in boredom and you were doubtful that any customers would brave the thunder and lightning for a cup coffee.

"Do you think we can get away with closing early?"

"As if, you know how our manager's like."

It was true, your manager never, under any circumstance, closed the shop early. There could be a volcano eruption and he'd tell you to keep the shop open in case anyone wanted coffee.

"Aren't you glad to be stuck here with me?" Donghyuck had his signature smile on his face as he asks, "I am one of the most attractive individuals on campus you know?"

"Said who?" You retort, playful scowl on your face.

"Renjun."

"I'm positive that was a sarcastic remark."

He laughs and a calm silence settles over the two of you. It's funny how things turn out. A couple of weeks ago you would've sworn you'd be at his throat by now.

"Why? You don't think I'm one of the most attractive individuals you've laid your eyes on?" He teases, tilting his head to one side.

"I never said that."

Donghyuck was taken aback. He didn't expect this from you, heck, you didn't expect this from yourself.

"So you think I'm hot."

"Maybe. A little. I mostly think you're insufferable."

He chuckles.

"You want to date me so bad right now."

Indignantly, you serve your head to give him a good glare, only to find him closer than you were expecting. Did he always leave the top button to his polo unbuttoned?

"Wanna skip the rest of our shift and go on a date instead?"

"In this rain?" You ask, glancing at the pouring rain.

"I've been chasing you ever since you started working at this establishment, I'm not letting a thunderstorm stop me. Besides, dancing in the rain's romantic, right?"

A smile threatened to creep onto your flushed face. Your stupid co-worker had his stupid smirk on while looking straight at you.

"Tell me what you put into your oatmilk shaken espressos then I'll consider it."

"My love for you."

"You're disgusting." You say, closing the till with a smile on your face.

[alas9]

✨ 📖 ✏️ studyblr masterpost jam ✏️ 📖 ✨ Day #5 as an independent game designer maybe?

Today is about study tips! And I think you won't like mine, hehe but I'll give them anyway.

Create the environment for studying

My first one is to set the environment you study at, to make it more conducive to do so!

Our brain does not like friction, since it was forged in a time of total sedentary lifestyle. Animals in nature only expend energy to flee/fight a predator, search for food, and reproduce. All other energy costs represent enormous friction for us. When creating a habit we must lower the friction to the minimum, to the point where we can repeat the task day after day without it bothering us, and gradually increase the demands. If you don't have a study habit, don't try to lock yourself up for an entire afternoon until you understand basic concepts of whatever. Try watching one video, then two, then 5, then spend an hour on a tiny project. Think tiny, well your first project should be smaller than that. The 1% everyday rule.

Adopt an aesthetic that you can maintain over time

I don't want to discourage the flirty fairies of studyblr, I love following beautiful studyblrs and people who romanticize their lives, but I'd love to say to you to don't make your own honeypot that diverts you away from your goals.

I know it sounds super idiotic to say it, but for many people, it is important to romanticize their life as a way to reduce the friction in their tasks. Aesthetic is in everyting and some of us like to have control over it. Part of it is maintaining a blog, a bullet journal, etc. I don't think it's a bad practice, since falling in love with your lifestyle is something healthy and not an obstacle. Romanticizing student life can be trap that we all may fall into sooner or later. In the first years when I decided to be self-taught (before that I went to art school for 5 years before dropping out, missing a year to graduate) and started investing my time in learning programming, I wasted a lot of time trying to accommodate every minimum detail to make it enjoyable. I loved going to art school because it was a very sensorial and aesthetic experience, and I wanted to bring a little of that experience to my new life in programming. My first notebooks were unsustainable, my blogs too, I never managed to finish a bullet journal, my Notion had the most beautiful and impractical templates ever seen by humankind, and I spent more time maintaining those things than actually studying. I had an intermediate hiatus, driven by having started working in programming, and I returned to studying in a much more practical and clean way, with fewer worries and clear goals. Reaching your goals is also a vibe lol

Do excercise and invest in a good chair (or a good desk)

I know this sounds random and I have no advice to give. In fact, I think this is my best advice. I have a protrusion on my spine, I have another coworker who has 2, and a coworker with 3 (the latter is working full remote because she can't tolerate sitting in the office). Office and study life is extremely sedentary, and even worse if you do both at the same time. I used to be a girl who did ballet, gymnastics and basketball, until I moved to study and almost at the same time I started working. The anxiety of stillness made me addicted to snacks. I have gained considerably weight since then and my physical disposition after 10 years is no longer the same. I have colleagues who go to the gym just to physically support this lifestyle. You need a lot of strength and endurance to avoid falling into depression and other physical illnesses, such as obesity, bulges, or back pain. Sitting for so many hours can shorten your leg muscles and twist your spine. The sooner you dedicate yourself to your physical health, the further you can go. Sometimes you just can't study or challenge yourself more because your body doesn't allow it. Besides that, eat well and drink water.

Get an ergonomic chair that keeps your spine aligned, or some of those desks that allow you to work standing up, they are excellent investments.

---

Information about programming is everywhere all over the surface of the web, there is little to honestly talk about it. That's why I think it was more valuable to talk about the consequences of living this lifestyle for so long. I hope it helps someone.

[mathlann]

So, I was supposed to do Quetza Temer today but was by Kiava Gamma when I booted the game and so it took forever to cross the map. But I did a bunch of other shit.

Cassia's quest ended with her making peace with the Aeldari and removing the Orsellio souls from the Atlas. I actually really like this outcome because it is her big "what she learned from Casimira" moment, which is very fitting for a choice between being nice to xenos and empowering oneself through questionable methods. And it does feel like the Cas choice to make, in that while evil science is fun, preventing dynastic fractures and keeping the mysterious xenos on-side is even more fun and responsible.

Decided to go with Idira's suggestion that oikonomos Nigmus become the new Prelate of the Order of the Hammer, mainly because he had enough skeletons in his closet to keep him on-side through blackmail. He managed to curb a lot of fervor in the realm of relic-searching, and later on Cas bribed a ton of Ecclesiarchical officials into making Foulstone a worthy shrine world. Our eventual plan to turn the cult of Saint Cognatius into a puppet church is going fantastically.

Got an interesting banter between Yrliet and Marazhai about how he'd rather she give him her pain and despair over her pity, since the latter is the domain of the powerless and...he and Cas are a match made in hell.

Did Heinrix's quest with Emelina. I like that I could see how Cas' influence made Heinrix more callous, in that he was excusing the Inquisition's hypocrisy on heresy, but was still merciful about Emelina. Cas did agree about understanding Emelina's motives, and I am going a little insane about the dialogue after Heinrix kills her. Cas guessed he did it because he didn't want Emelina tortured, and Heinrix kinda scoffed at the idea. Which is the option, granted, Cas who is still angry at him about the dinner probably might not have taken but I actually like it more than the angrier option because it does reflect his caring? Like, Cas doesn't have illusions about the fact that she could maybe go too far one day, but it's kinda reassuring herself that if Heinrix had to intervene he'd let her go quickly? It makes her think even though she is still mad at him.

Reverend Doloroso came to visit Vhaebos and Cas threw such a big party a bunch of people chose to stay....on the planet that's practically a feeder for Feasts. Yay! May they go to the Emperor.

Jae and Cas followed the path of religious tolerance a little too close to the sun and allowed genestealers to flourish. Luckily Marazhai had beacons around to let the Drukhari round up the cult and Cas' Engine Vandals apparently decided they loved being Cas' favorite road bandits over their alien buds so they helped out.

Cas is slowly turning her corner of the expanse into a place of learning as well as crime. Janus, which is now a shelter world for refugees of all types, has a higher literacy rate due to Cas making the serfs go to school, and Dargonus has a librarium full of forbidden knowledge.

Also Cas has some insane buffs now. I'm pretty sure her Fellowship is in the triple digits at least. I also started building her for Officer (Melee Support) while Jae is Officer (Ranged Support), so Jae hangs back buffing Yrliet and Idira, while Cas follows Marazhai and buffs him and herself. Honestly the bonus damage is making me want to up the difficulty a bit. Also Cas has begrudgingly taken up the medic role from Abelard, because she's the only reliable healer in her regular group. She has a lot of general temp and actual hp feats but her primary usage thus far is healing Marazhai after he blows himself sky-high....again. No idea why his demolition skill is so faulty.

And lastly, I always forget Drukhari can't stand psychic powers and Cas does keep bringing Marazhai to warp incursions. He's weaker, and all the worse because Cas' heretic abilities make Warp Phenomena happen more often on kills in the first round...which is his job. But the fact that he still one-shots Bloodletters means apparently he's strong enough to get over all that.

[imperial-russia]

Do you know where I can get detailed information about the education of Tsar Nicholas II's daughters? Specifically, I would like to know about the musical, literary and artistic education; I know they spoke many languages and the Tsar was a very cultured man. Thank you!

I should be able to answer this since my Master´s thesis was dedicated to the education of the Imperial children, however, the majority of information we have tends to be about the languages, especially since Gilliard and Gibbes became such prominent figures among those who kept the memories of their pupils alive.

Here is a bunch of information I have managed to dole out regarding the artistic disciplines:

I have not found anything that would suggest the girls were required to create more than ordinary essays, usually a reaction to a poem or a book, as far as their literary skills are concerned. They were encouraged to learn poetry by heart and expected to perform in front of their relatives during holidays or as a part of birthday/name-day wishes.

The whole family enjoyed amateur theatricals (Anastasia especially showed a talent for dramatics), again performing in the larger family circle or chosen courtiers. This, however, was viewed as fun, not something to be seriously encouraged as it may be today.

The girls had regular dance lessons, often supervised by the Empress or Anna Vyrubova. In the Alexander palace, the room where the girl would take their dancing lessons was directly above the Tsar´s study. Maria, the poor baby, proved rather a clumsy dancer, lacking a natural grace of movement. You can actually say so for yourself by watching the famous footage of the Grand Duchesses dancing with officers on Standart.

All the girls were taught to play the piano. Olga showed the greatest natural talent, but Tatiana reached the same mastery by sheer determination. The younger children played, but were probably not particularly brilliant, since I have found no record of any praise, no comment of their abilities at all, in fact. Alexei learned to play balalaika from a very early age. One of the books found in the Ipatiev house after the murders was his coursebook on how to play the instrument.

The painting was deemed a very desirable hobby and all the children enjoyed the activity, only Maria showing a true talent, which, however, she did not have time to cultivate. Though she would write with her right hand, she would always paint with her left, which would baffle her tutors. She probably inherited this artistic inclination from her grandmother the Empress.

I am afraid that´s it, but hopefully, there is something in this post that is new to you ;)

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 1988 I just finished watching Unsolved Mysteries. It was ok, but I’ve seen better shows of theirs.

Earlier I worked as the office manager at Channel 57 for the second time. It’s very boring and tedious but it’s something to do. It’s a very easy job though I had feared before it would be difficult. There isn’t much that’s too hard for me. If you can learn to play a musical instrument and all the other things I’ve learned, then you can learn anything, although I hate anything dealing with numbers.

There are still times I wish I were straight and could have sex with a guy and enjoy it and be attracted to a guy as I am to women, but they’re such assholes. But then again, male or female, that is all I ever get anyway.

I’m taking a chance nonetheless. I sent Between Friends $70, but if I’m not attracted to any of these 3 women or they’re jerks or they’re decent and I lose them, then I think I’d be damn entitled to my money back. I guess if that happens, you renew your membership. Like hell I will. For $295? No way!

I’ve been taking only 5mg of Navane and I’ve been basically ok. Only a couple of bad times, but they passed; those racing thoughts that make me depressed.

Well, it doesn’t look like I’m going anywhere for Chanukah or my b-day. Tammy and I got into another squabble as usual and she hasn’t called. But I won’t be surprised if she does. It’s like Andy said to me, “You know you’re gonna make up with her.” No doubt she’ll call at the last minute. Actually, though, I’m really kind of hoping she’ll stay pissed and not call. I don’t think I want to go down there. Besides, I despise the fact of having Nerve drive me down and totally dread it.

The bus ticket price coming back is crazy and I also feel I’d like to celebrate alone. Once again I get that feeling of pride at not turning to anyone on my b-day. I’m really doing great at sheltering myself and keeping independent.

Andy or Nervous should be calling any minute now I guess.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 1988 I woke up this morning feeling miserable so I called my allergy doctor. Next Wed. at 10:00 I see him.

Thank God Nervous woke me up. He tried at 10:00 but obviously, I never heard the phone. When he called back at 11:30, I was exhausted. If I sleep too much I feel tired.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 1988 I got back an hour or so ago from Longmeadow where we had dinner. It was nice, except for the fact that half the meal exploded on the stove, cuz as we’ve learned, you never put glass on a stove. But she did, so we had a hell of a mess. Also, Becky broke a plate. We took pictures of both of these episodes for Mom. She’ll love it.

When Tammy came to pick me up we went to Store 24 so I could get ciggies and a lighter and she said she saw Nervous. Probably spying. He did call last night and it looks like I am stuck with him going to Salem.

I just called Ma and said we’re so glad she’s 1400 miles away. We’re sending her pictures.

Tammy says my singing’s not the worse but it’s not the best. That’s good enough for me.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 1988 Well, they say it gets worse before it gets better. Today I had a miserable day, but I stuck to only 5mg instead of 10mg of Navane. I feel very much better than I have since I cut down. It was miserable as the doctor said it would be. I was very dizzy all the time and my mind was racing and I was anxious as all hell, but it’s gone now. The question is for how long, though? Tammy agreed I just needed to adjust. Still seems always to be worse before my period which I should be getting any day now. I’ve been cramping like hell.

Al was supposed to call me again tonight and he hasn’t yet and I have come to hope he won’t.

Andy never called last night like he said he would and Nervous didn’t either and probably won’t tonight either.

Speaking of Andy, he’s on the phone with me now. He may be coming over later.

Nervous probably won’t call til after my birthday cuz of the nasty things I’ve said. He’ll try to avoid giving me a ride cuz it’s for Chanukah and my birthday and he’ll never get me a gift. That’s how obsessive males are. They always figure they’re owed something in return.

I haven’t shit in a week and I don’t know why. I’ve taken my Medimucal and have eaten a lot. The Navane causes that and the doctor says once you cut down or stop, the side effects get worse before they get better, so I’ll have to suffer for a while longer. Probably won’t shit for another week or two.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 1988 I got up at 7:15 after having some very unpleasant dreams.

Sure enough, there was a message on my machine from Andy. I think I remember hearing it when he called, but I was just too damn tired, and I figured that once I was fully awake after talking with him, I’d never go back to sleep.

I had woken up at 1:00 to go pee and get some cookies and something to drink and the cat was so funny. She came over to where I was sitting at the kitchen table and squinted up at me through half-closed eyes. You could see she had definitely been sound asleep and wasn’t used to the bright lights yet, but as soon as I get up, she does too. Every morning it’s the same routine. I get up, go into the bathroom, close the door and she waits outside the door and meows. When I come out, she follows me into the kitchen where she demands to be petted and loved and then I feed her. After that it’s playtime. I have the same routine for waking up in the morning. Coffee, then music.

I also woke up last night at 3:00 to smoke maybe 6 drags off a cigarette, then again at 4:30.

Later…

Today’s the day I go for my interview at the school department on State St. I hope they need me full-time cuz I’m gonna have some free time till I move.

Later, I’ve got to call Mansfield about my written exam and the temporary permit I was supposed to have received in the mail a long time ago. I thought the director was supposed to get back to me, but she hasn’t yet.

December 3rd is gonna be one miserable day with having to put up with the mouth and crazy driving.

I want to hurry up and move so badly. Tammy says she highly doubts I’ll be here when the summer comes, but who knows? I didn’t think I’d still be here now.

I hope this court case gets dropped if I don’t drop it myself by not showing up. Everyone says it’ll get dropped and that they just want to waste my time. That’s males for you. My lawyer’s an asshole. A typical male for sure. I’m glad I’m gay. I really am. It may be hard to find a woman who’s gay, let alone a good one, but 98% of males are jerks. Statistics say so many wives and girlfriends get abused by their boyfriends or husbands.

Al dumped me simply cuz I wasn’t good enough for him, cuz of my past and cuz he couldn’t get it in there. He was very negative and there was always something wrong with me. He can have a happy life, cuz he’ll never get a decent woman, nor is he capable of loving anyone.

Later…

I’m gonna be volunteering at one of the schools doing library assisting, Monday, Wednesday & Thursday. Also, if they need me to speak sign language or Spanish, they’ll let me know. She also said sometimes for the holidays they need singers.

I called Al before I left and told him how I feel. All I want to do is make him happy and be happy as well. I want him to give me a chance to show I care and want him to try to care for me. I know what I did wrong back then and would never repeat my mistakes. I realize I may have had some problems, but he ran away as if he didn’t care. I didn’t mean to scare him away, but I just wish he’d open up and be more encouraging, not so negative. I would never hurt him. I just want to spend the night in his arms with good things to talk about. I want to feel cared for and I want to care for him. I know he’d never marry and have kids with me, and I accept that. He says he’s gonna call me later. If he does, he’ll never come over.

Later…

I just got Gloria’s album Otro Vez and I can’t believe how much I understand. The picture of her on the back cover looks pitiful. She had short hair, seemed plump and looked like Liza Manelli. There was this other girl too, but Gloria looked awful. They’re supposed to send me the other one called Rio soon. They’re temporarily out of stock of it. I owe them $10 for this album and tomorrow or Friday I’ve got to go to get the two 12” records I ordered.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 1988 Today at 3:00, I have to see Dr. Osborne. That sucks.

Tomorrow I go for an interview at the school dept. I wonder what they will need me to do.

I just called Elizabeth who says she’s gonna have some photocopying but isn’t sure when she’ll have the stuff ready but will call me today or tomorrow to let me know for sure. Probably Wednesday.

Last night I called Tammy and even sang for her a little on the phone. I told her I wanted a music book for my birthday. Either Canciones De Mi Padre or Madonna. Hope she gets it.

I still don’t know what to get my family and friends but I don’t think I’m gonna shop till next month. Around December 1st I’ll start my gift shopping.

Later…

I just called Tammy and told her that Philip can’t bring me down to her place on December 3rd cuz he’s going to Mexico. If not, I’ll be on the bus.

Tammy said, “Just use Nervous. It’ll be only for an hour and a half. “

No way, I told her. He’s too pushy, never shuts up, drives like a maniac and I just don’t trust his car.

Tammy said she’ll get back to me.

Nervous says he’s gonna get me a keyboard but I doubt it, and if he does, he better not expect me to kiss his ass cuz things aren’t gonna change.

Oh God, what’s he gonna do when I move? He’ll just die. I’ll give him my address and number but I really don’t want to see him. I will, however, talk to him on the phone. Why not? He’ll be paying and he’s more tolerable on the phone than in person. If I ever let him see me inside my apartment or in the neighborhood, he’ll no doubt be awfully curious and will probably spy. I hope he does. The thought amuses me.

Later…

I called for bus fare info just in case and the prices are outrageous. $20 one-way and $38 round-trip. Ridiculous. I’ll get down there somehow.

In 20 minutes or so I’ve got to catch the bus downtown, then transfer to the Feeding Hills bus. What sucks is that I’m gonna have to wait for a half-hour for the doctor and then 40-45 minutes for the bus afterward.

Later…

I am now at Osborne’s waiting to see the “Wizard of Oz.” I think I just saw Debbie, the little jerk.

When I got off the bus I went to Dunkin Donuts cuz I knew I had time to kill and I’ll have plenty of it to kill after I see Oz, too. Before I got on the Feeding Hills bus I went into Johnson’s and bought more journals. A big one and a little one. The prettiest one of all has no lines.

It’s about 3:00 now and I hope he’s not late as all doctors are. But then again it really doesn’t matter cuz the next bus isn’t till 4:00. After I see him I’ll be damned if I’ll wait outside. It’s too windy. I’ll wait in here.

I’ve been thinking about moving a lot lately. Yes, I really do want to move. And fast. But it’ll no doubt take several more months.

Later…

I just saw Ozzy and now I’m waiting for the bus. He’s a really nice guy. He says I’ve come a long way and have been through a lot. He agrees I am a survivor and can handle anything. He also says I definitely must stop the Navane. He understands it’ll be difficult but that it’s important to reverse the tardive dyskinesia. He gave me some tea which I’ll finish now, then go to the bus stop.

Later…

I am home now and I just ate 3 pieces of chicken, some rice and some green beans. Next, I’ll take my meds and my vitamins.

Some crazy wacko was running her mouth at the bus stop about the shelter she’s living in and the job she wants. Some people are weird. Reminds me of Nervo.

Wednesday I can’t forget to watch my show Unsolved Mysteries. I missed it last week.

I wonder when the people’s daughter, son and grandson upstairs are gonna move out. Their footsteps are obnoxious. Drunkie downstairs would just love it.

This morning, shortly before 8:30 I heard the bitch next door go out for work and I called her to make her run back inside, then hung up. She probably thinks she just got to the phone too late and will be wondering all day who it could’ve been.

Well, tonight is when Ma calls so I’ll postpone my shower till after she calls. Tammy has to get back to me, too.

Later…

The phone rang, I picked it up and said, “Hi ma.”

The reply was, “Wrong. It’s Elizabeth.” She was laughing and said she certainly wasn’t expecting that. She says she’s got no work for me this week but next Tues. she thinks she does.

I also told her I was apprehensive about being the office manager but says she’ll hang around at first till I get the hang of it. Also, Cheryl will be there. She said they’ll make sure I know what to do and that I’m enjoying it or else I can do something else. I told her that I’m sure I’ll enjoy it and that once I get started it’ll be easy.

I just remembered Andy’s calling tonight too, along with Nervous, as usual. He’ll never fail to forget to call.

Later…

Dad just called. He sounds good. I told him what I wanted but I guess they’re sending me money instead.

I discussed the progress I’ve been making on my piano and told him the two things that were the most shocking. One, my getting the voice to sing and two, their being on my side.

I told him I pictured him being part of an interview someday where a guy says to my father, “She says she’s so glad she has enough money now so she can take you out to dinner.” I can just see the expression on my father’s face. Dad said it’ll come in time. He seems so sure of me.

Later…

Tammy just called. No one can give me a ride to Salem! I gotta go with Nervous! Shit! Damn! Fuck! Why do I always end up having to use that low-life scum? He’ll never shut up. He’ll get us killed or his car will break down. Well, just think, soon I’ll be moved and I’ll be through with him.

Andy better not call me when I’m sleeping or else!

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 1988 Yesterday I had a long day at Channel 57. I canceled my check-up so I could work longer but will reschedule after Turkey Day for sure.

Andy called and told me not to think he died but that he’s had company all weekend. A bunch of relatives are coming to see his sister and her baby. So he won’t be calling me till Monday.

Tammy also called to say that she wants me to get a ride down to her place on December 3rd for a Chanukah dinner, then stay overnight and celebrate my b-day the next day which will be a Sunday.

How? I don’t know if Philip will be able to get me down there. I’ll never ask Nervous but Tammy said to just use him for the ride and she’ll send him right back home afterward. I never want to have to use him to drive me anywhere and take the chance of getting killed or his car breaking down and I couldn’t stand to put up with him that long. He’ll never shut up and he’s a little pushy bastard!

She says she doesn’t know if Mom and Dad are even coming home this winter for the holidays and the store. She says she hasn’t heard one way or the other. It doesn’t look like they’ll be coming back until April. But then again, I thought I remembered Dad saying they would be here one time in the van as he was bringing me home from somewhere. Every other winter they’ve come in.

I changed the bedroom around to the way it was before I discovered this spider nest.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 1988 I fell asleep very early last night but kept waking up for 3 reasons. One is that the phone kept ringing. Two is cuz I kept having to pee after taking my water pill. Three is I kept having these weird dreams.

Last night I had this really weird dream about Nervous. Apparently, in this dream, I owned my own home which had a basement and a first floor. I was in the basement which was a long room lined with small windows along a wall that was a little over my head. I was going through some old clothes when I heard a car and said to myself, That’s Nervous’s car. I know it is.

I turned off all the lights and stood behind some furniture in the center of the room and waited. Sure enough, I heard him shuffling through the grass and saw him walk up to the farthest window at the very end of the room where my stereo was. He just stood there and waited, no doubt hoping I’d come down to listen to my stereo.

Next thing I know he was in the cellar with me, the lights were on, and I was telling him I heard his car and saw him walk up to the window. He stood there laughing. Then there was a double-size bed near the stereo and I was lying on it starting to feel very sleepy and he was sitting on the other side of it. All of a sudden he had his arms around me and asked, “Is this wrong?”

I got up off the bed and said, “Yes, this is wrong. You sleep here and I’ll go upstairs to sleep in my bedroom. When you get up in the morning, wake me up and I’ll let you out.”

But then he started to get up off the bed and follow me and said, “Let’s talk.”

Then the phone rang and I said, “Who the fuck is that at this hour? You answer it.”

Later…

I called Dee to see if she could do my hair, and she said to come in at 11:00. I want it trimmed so that it’s one length, although I don’t think I look really terrible with my short hair layered. Maybe if I grew my hair long again I’d look too much like a little girl. I know I’ll definitely keep the front short with layered bangs, but I guess I do really miss my length and it’s gonna take me about 5 years to get it even and to the middle of my back.

I was thinking I may walk up to Shopper’s for my Femstat and have breakfast at the deli next door.

Later…

I just had my hair evened out and it looks really nice. I also bought this shampoo which she used to make my hair really soft.

I was also up at the deli where I got eggs and toast and some coffee. Tony, the cop I know, was there and as usual, he teased my ass like crazy.

Elizabeth is coming over tonight with envelopes for me to stuff.

I told Nervous last night to call me around 8:00 so he can take me food shopping.

I’ve got to tell Nervo about the dream I had last night. He should definitely get a kick out of it. Probably wish it could be true, too. Getting his arms around me, staying overnight.

I bought some more clothes from Goodwill. A bra, two pairs of sweatpants, pajamas and another nightie, which is so tiny and fits me perfectly.

By the way, speaking of the weight I lost, even Tony noticed it too. It’s a little scary in a way, though, cuz every summer I automatically lose 10-15 pounds. This summer I certainly can’t afford to lose one more pound! I’d be bones.

Mary Lou just called saying I needed to see Dr. Osborne Monday at 3:00 cuz I never saw Dr. Moshiri. That means I can’t see her and that sucks.

Also, I’m gonna write to Medicare about their crazy policy that the therapists can’t come to our homes. We have to go there which sucks cuz not everyone has a car and it’s not easy for the therapists either.

I just finished having a whole can of sardines, 10 pieces of bacon and a bagel with cream cheese.

Right now I must go call Elizabeth and ask her to please try to bring my paperwork earlier.

Later…

Tomorrow at 9:00 I have to go to Channel 57 to do the work I was supposed to do here at home. Elizabeth says she was having trouble with her printing machine. Also, Channel 57 voted me volunteer of the month, therefore I’m to have my picture in their magazine with a few paragraphs about me.

Tomorrow I also have to get a dental check-up at the Holyoke Mall. I would never ask Nervous to drive me with the sick way he drives, nor could I stand to have to put up with him that long.

Nervo may be calling soon. I don’t need or want him to take me to Food Mart.

I wonder where Sasha is. Must be hiding out sleeping either under the bed or under the couch or chairs in the living room. 95% of the time, though, she’s on the bed.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 1988 If I don’t get to sleep I’ll never make it to my appointment in the morning. Also, at 2:30 I have to see a GYN. A male. I hate these painful exams!

There are so many things up in the air right now and so many questions. What will happen in court? What will happen with the dating service? What’s my future gonna be? What’s gonna happen if no other medication but the Navane will work?

Later…

Well, Nervous called me at 7:30 but I fell back asleep so I missed my appointment. I rescheduled it for Dec. 1st.

Hopefully tonight I’ll be going to Food Mart. I’ve been out of soda and milk and want to get some TV dinners. Also, I should get some light bulbs cuz I have no more and if the lamp in the bedroom burns out, then I’m stuck.

This afternoon at 2:30 I’m definitely going to my GYN appointment to take care of this yeast infection. I’ll walk there. They’re not too far from here. I’ll probably leave between 1:45 and 2:00.

I wonder if that gay taxi driver, Linda, is gonna call today? I never know if Maria will ever call. Why can’t she just be honest? Why she ever gave me her phone number totally baffles me. It even shocked Andy. Andy says Maria hasn’t even called Bev.

I’ve got a package of bacon in the refrigerator that I think I’m gonna go make up now, along with a bagel for breakfast.

Later…

Believe it or not, I just got a call from the school department. This woman wants me to come in for an interview for volunteer work. She says she’s not in need of an interpreter but would like to discuss the possibility of me doing something else. That’d be great. It’ll keep me busy. I hope. I hope it’s full-time. I’m going crazy just sitting here every day going nowhere but to doctors and doing errands.

I spoke to Mary C also. She was watching a movie on HBO and says her son William is sick and she just brought him home from the doctor’s.

She said she may take a drive over later. Yeah, sure. She damn well better plan on giving me back my black sweatpants she took the last time I saw her. Either way, she is going to return them and never again will she be allowed to borrow one single thing.

I think now I’m gonna take a walk to the store. I’m dying for some soda.

Later…

I took a bath and shaved, then I ran to the store for some soda and a hamburger.

In a little more than a half-hour from now, I’m gonna start walking over to Ridgewood Terrace for the crotch doctor which I dread. Another male touching my body. It’s so painful, too.

The mailman just came, but not with Gloria’s records I ordered, so I sent them back.

Some stupid Puerto Rican is outside honking its horn as usual. I’m so sick of this neighborhood. After growing up in beautiful areas, I miss it, and it’s time to move. That is for sure. When I move I won’t have to worry about leaving my doors open or anything. I highly doubt I will associate with Nervous when I move. I won’t need him and it wouldn’t be the greatest idea for him or for me. He’ll always be lonely with no woman and no friends and when I move, or possibly before, maybe he’ll realize why. He’s such a sad case. Que lastima.

Later…

I am at the doctor’s office now and the secretary seems kind and reassuring but I still hate to go through this shit.

It’s almost 3:00 but the doctor is running late as usual. Aren’t all doctors always late?

Mrs. Witherspoon from the 4th floor drove me here. I called for a taxi but it never came and the dispatcher couldn’t page Linda.

Later…

Well, the exam went ok and yes, as usual, I do have a yeast infection.

The dispatcher could never page Linda the gay driver so I got a different driver to go home. It cost me $2.

It seemed so dark all day. Even at 2:00. It’s not even 5:00 and it’s already just about pitch dark.

I hope Elizabeth will be willing to meet me at Montpelier St. tomorrow night a little earlier when she brings to me those envelopes she wants me to stuff. She’ll never be able to see me nor I see her if it’s too dark.

I hope Nervous calls soon. I do want to go to Food Mart. Never would I ask him to take me anywhere during the daytime. That’s when he’s always in his fucked-up mood and is so agitated and acts and talks like a two-year-old. I wonder why the daytime makes him more nervous. Several mornings ago he was extremely wound up but I’m quite sure that was cuz Fran had spent the night which he’s been dying to do. The first question out of his mouth when he called was, “Is monkey brain still there?”

I wouldn’t put it past him to come down to Norwich and say, “My car broke down. Can I stay the night?”

He’ll never get to stay the night, and if he comes to see me against my wishes I’ll kick his ass.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 1988 Nervous brought Sasha back last night. I really missed her although I never thought I would. I just hope the inspector doesn’t decide to double-check. Unfortunately, Carabetta allows no pets. Which is stupid. What if they were animals? Would they like to be homeless and out on the streets?

Also last night, Andy came over to teach me more songs. I’ve learned Talk To Me completely now and he also showed me some of If I Were You. I know Sara completely but need to finish learning La Isla Bonita. I attempted today to learn the song Piano Man by myself from an old book I’ve had for ages but it sure isn’t easy. I’m sure I’ll get it someday soon, though.

Today Andy called, but the answering machine picked up his call cuz I was in the shower. I knew it was him right away by the way he was singing at the top of his lungs. He and I both are crazy.

Nervous will no doubt call later.

Today I went to see my new therapist Mary Lou. She was ok. Nothing bad, but nothing spectacular. I ran my mouth quite a bit to her and she says I’m interesting.

Also today I was looking to buy a denim mini skirt, size 14 in girls, but they didn’t have a fitting room so I never bought it.

Before going to see Mary Lou I had a few minutes to kill so I looked in Falcetti’s for a music book, but I didn’t like the way this Madonna book was written and they have a shitty music selection, so I bought nothing there either.

I’ve been tired all day and I think I need to go eat now.

Later…

Nervous called. He didn’t have much to say. Just the usual about how he’s so busy running around here, there and everywhere. According to him, he was looking in a music store in the Eastfield Mall where they sell Yamaha keyboards. I wonder why cuz I told him to forget about that and instead just give me $100 for my birthday and Chanukah so I can pay for my dating service. Both would be nice, but that’s a little too much to ask for and that’d surely leave him broke and he’d end up evicted again.

Tomorrow morning at 9:30 I have an appointment with my asthma doctor in which I’m gonna have a taxi driver, who’s gay, that I met over the phone drive me cuz there’s no bus stop near their new office. I’m curious to see what she looks like. Probably butchy. She sounds like it just from talking to her over the phone. She’s had a girlfriend for 5 years she said.

Yesterday morning I called Maria at the bank where she works cuz I couldn’t get a hold of her for quite a while, and as usual, she hasn’t called me. I can’t believe she ever even gave me her phone number. Neither can Andy. Well, anyway, she says maybe sometime this week we can go see a movie. Yeah, sure! Why can’t she just be honest?

Later…

I just got off the phone with Nervous and right now I’m on the phone with Andy.

Emily really pisses me off. She never calls and therefore I’ll be damned if I’m ever gonna call her again. She’s busy, she’s tired. That’s a lie. She’s got time for other people and places. Like her friends Maria and Sylvia. She totally ignored me when I went to see her up at Shopper’s. Especially when Sylvia came in, as I may’ve mentioned before. I’m not even gonna say goodbye when I move.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 1988 I called the dating service and she really reassured me, although there are no guarantees, but time will tell.

Friday I got a promotion from Channel 57. Instead of answering phones I’m gonna be the office manager. My job will be to help other girls with any problems they may have, tally up pledges and enter them into a book.

Wednesday of next week, Elizabeth is gonna bring over some envelopes to stuff.

Unfortunately, everything’s closed today but I’ll be going up to Shopper’s Drug today to see Emily.

Earlier this morning I scrubbed the kitchen floor 3 times as it was filthier than filthy, sang a little, and I hope to hell the inspector comes tomorrow and that Nervous calls so he can bring the cat back.

Am I very sorry I reunited as friends with Nervo! He’s his same old self. Pitiful. The way he drove to New Britain scared the shit out of me and he got us lost as usual after saying he knew where to go. I think maybe he did that deliberately, hoping they’d tell me it was too late whenever I got there and to come back another time. That way he could spend the day with me again.

He freaked out yesterday morning on the phone no doubt cuz Fran was here overnight, and after I get Sasha back I don’t want to associate with him again. I have learned my lesson. It took some time but he is a male and that’s the way they all are. Sick.

Later…

I went up to see Emily and I want nothing more to do with her either. She totally ignored me but when her pal Sylvia came in she jumped for joy. She’s totally abandoned our friendship. Ever since last year. But she has other friends she sees and calls all the time but she never calls me. Maybe she’ll get the hint when she never receives any more phone calls from me.

Believe it or not, I just got Mary C’s number. Yes, she’s still married to John and says she’s got 8 more weeks and 6 days till she has another baby. She says it’s John’s but told me a long time ago he couldn’t make anymore cuz he had a vasectomy. I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t by cheating. She’s cheated on him numerous times in the past. That’s why it surprised me when they got married.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 1988 Last night I took that medication again that Dr. Moshiri gave me and once again it put me right to sleep at 10:00. At 2:00 Andy called and I stayed up to reverse my schedule cuz yesterday I slept all day and never went to Channel 57. Today I have to go at 10:00, then at noon, I’m going to New Britain to that dating service. I have to be there at 1:00. But I couldn’t believe how that medication really calmed me down and took away all my anxiety.

Right now I have the hiccups.

Nervous bought me corrective tape cuz I typed him a business letter so I could easily erase any mistakes I made.

Yesterday morning I tried to call my sister but her line was busy for ages. I may call her tonight to tell her about today’s trip, but then again I don’t think she gives a damn. Oh well.

I called the doctor about my vaginal problem explaining I didn’t ever plan to have a relationship again with a male and that I preferred women and he said I shouldn’t even bother to do anything about the problem. He said not to force myself to do or be what I can’t. Do whatever’s natural for me and that’s being gay. I could never be straight and feel comfortable physically or mentally. Never. He’s right. He’s definitely got a point although I’d feel happier knowing that my problem was taken care of and it would surely help with everything else with a woman.

Nervous said he ran into Mary C and that she’s pregnant again. I’m not surprised, but it can’t be by John cuz she told me he supposedly had a vasectomy done. She’ll never make it with him cuz she has always cheated on him before, during and after their marriage and he’s a jerk. I never got her phone number but I don’t want it. She was never a friend. She only came over here when she wanted something.

I wish I could sleep now till 8:00 or 8:30 but I won’t chance it cuz I may never wake up and I must go to Channel 57!

Later…

I did stay up all night and right now I am at Channel 57 waiting for my boss Elizabeth who is still in a meeting.

After my work is done, and I sure as hell hope I get done before noon, I am going to New Britain.

Well, I am really very tired but I’d best ignore it cuz I have a long day ahead. I know I want to get something to eat either before my interview or right after. I’m starving! I’m so nerved up, too.

Andy says he’ll call me tonight and that he’ll be anxious to hear about how today will go. I’m quite curious myself about what will develop. Maybe not much. I think I’m dreaming an impossible dream which is something I seem to have done all my life and probably always will. All I get are jerks. Never can attract or hang onto the decent people.

I still don’t like the idea of spending the day with Nervioso. He’s a pain in the ass.

Later…

Sure enough, Nervous’s car did break down so he got a rental car and we are now heading for New Britain so my handwriting is awfully shaky.

Later…

Well, this place I went to definitely doesn’t seem like a rip-off but it is costly! $295, but to me, it’s worth it cuz as she agreed with me if you go to a bar all you’ll get is druggies and drunks who want one-night stands and may have aids. Also, I could put an ad in the Advocate for $35 and never know what I’m getting.

I filled out a personality questionnaire and discussed my hobbies, goals and interests and what attracts me sexually. All this info will be matched up with other woman’s info, and they will give me 3 people to meet that they feel are compatible with me.

I still have my fears and doubts, though. Will I ever find the right person? Someone who’ll attract me sexually like Gloria? If they’re the right person for me will they find me attractive? Will there be too many things wrong with the person? Will I get Miss Right and lose her cuz of my past or present problems?

Time will tell if this really is the answer or not. Another fear I have is what if the 3 women I meet are all wrong for me and I have to pay an additional $295 to meet 3 more? Can I cancel my membership when and if I find the right person? Will I have to pay a renewal fee? They weren’t very clear on all this.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 1988 I am now at the Laundromat.

I have a busy week. Tomorrow I see Mary Lou at 2:15. Wednesday I work for Channel 57. Thursday I go out of town to New Britain. And last but not least, Friday I see Dr. Moshiri, who I shall bitch out from head to toe.

Sometime this week I’d like to do some gift shopping for the family and also get my hair trimmed and basically just evened out.

Can’t wait till Mom calls tonight, I have lots to tell her.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 1988 Tomorrow morning I’m going to do laundry at Nervous’s rooming house. I told him to go get his breakfast while I’m doing it so he doesn’t bug me. He said ok.

Andy’s sister Marla flew in tonight from California with her 4-month-old son, so Andy was psyched.

I wonder when the hell I’ll ever move. Yes, I’ll miss people here in Springfield, but I really do want to hurry up and move so I can be near my sister and nieces. I sure hope I’m able to get a lucky break in music somehow, someway, with or without Tammy’s help.

I’ve got to get a much more positive attitude. I can’t give up my singing even if Tammy continues to think I’m hopeless or if I have a few failures. Being too negative so much is going to get me nowhere. It’s what I’ve always wanted. It’s time to be a doer, not a dreamer. It’s soon or never. I won’t settle for anything else. I love to sing and now have a voice I never thought I’d ever have.

I also really want to improve my piano, guitar and Spanish by studying more and practicing my ass off. No more being so lazy.

Nervous said he’s looking for a portable organ like Andy’s which I love to death, but it may be just too expensive and I surely don’t want to see him get evicted again. I’m dying for one, though.

I was supposed to call yesterday for an appointment today to have gotten my hair evened out but now I’ll have to wait till Tuesday. They’re closed Sundays and Mondays.

Monday night is when Ma calls. Also Monday I’ll have to call La Baron. They sent me a bill for $1,068 and I’m not paying a dime. They never should’ve let me into school without approving my application for financial aid first. I’ll also call the people I filled out the application with. They’re also responsible. She was supposed to have contacted me and it looks like I may have to take them to court and hopefully sue them for the $561 that I paid to get into Mansfield for my manicuring course. They should definitely pay me.

Also Nervous is taking me to New Britain, CT to a service for gay women to meet other gay women. I just hope his car doesn’t break down in the middle of the highway or I’ll die.

Later…

I am still wide awake. I just did some reading and before that, I played my keyboard and guitar.

I ordered Gloria’s two Spanish albums Rio and Otro Vez.

Today, if I don’t sleep all day, I’m gonna do laundry, but if I do I can always do it later on tonight.

I called Fran’s old foster father and left a message for him to call me. I haven’t seen him in ages. Why is it that he only comes to visit once in a lifetime? Last time was when he bought the TV from me.

Rather than go to Johnson’s maybe I should go to McRory’s in the Eastfield Mall across from my mom’s store. It’s bigger, better and much cheaper and they have everything. I’m almost positive I’d find some really nice things there for the kids and some nice things for everyone else.

Sometimes I wonder if I should call about getting my vaginismus cured cuz it would make me happy and maybe it’s just a waste of time being gay, even if it’s not a choice.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 1988 I’m cooking a piece of lamb. Actually, before that, I just walked in. I had been out with Andy.

I slept all day today and never got my laundry done. Never called Channel 57 or mailed this letter I wrote to someone, but Nervous is mailing it. He was over earlier and we had a nice chat.

Before 6:00 Cecelia came over. We had a nice chat too in ASL and I did tell her I was moving. She said hopefully she could come to visit me.

Anna next door woke me up at 2:00 this afternoon to ask me about a phone call she got very early this morning from some girl who knew her name was Anna, and I guess used my name, by asking her if she knew me, but Anna hung up saying, “I don’t know who you are.”

I know nothing about it, I told her.

I spoke to Nervous today who may know of someone to take Sasha. Also, I spoke to Andy who should be calling any second.

Earlier I fell asleep and dreamt that my mother sent me puppies in the mail. Weird, huh?

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 1988 The stupid males in court today want desperately to waste my time and so this case is being brought before a jury of 6 and then possibly to trial. Either way, I’m sure it’ll be dismissed and by the time the final court date comes up I’ll be moved and they can have a default warrant out for me for the rest of my life, cuz what are my chances of being picked up if I were to come to Springfield for a day or two? None. And how many cops know me by face and name? Maybe 3 cops, and it’s very unlikely that we’ll run into each other.

Today I also confronted Pig Corcoran, or whatever the fuck his name really is, with the sexually harassing phone calls I got and asked him if he knew anything about it and he said no and that he wouldn’t do that. Yeah, sure. Quite a coincidence don’t you think? I know it was him or somebody he put up to it.

I called that gay dating service for women, and according to them, their nearest offices are either Framingham, MA or Great Britain, CT. No way to get there by bus or by anyone else. Tammy says they’re a total rip-off. She said she went through a Jewish dating service to find Bill cuz she wanted her children raised as Jews. But to me what you are is what you are, and I don’t believe in that or religion. People are people are people.

Tammy said to place an ad in the personals section of the Advocate but to get a PO box address. I may someday if nothing else works.

Guess what? This will come as a surprise to you as it did to me but I called Maria at work explaining that I knew and realized that I did wrong, and wanted her to understand and to feel free to confront me with any problems rather than to be scared and run away, and that once the problem is discussed, I would never make the same mistake again. I try not to anyway. So she said it was that I was too forward and scared her away and I then explained to her that when you’re alone so much and you get an opportunity to talk, you talk. I said that maybe I threw up my past in her face out of fear and that rather than be too shy I was trying to make friendly conversation for our first visit, and I also didn’t want to seem rude by ignoring her questions. She did seem to understand fully and mentioned my trusting her enough the first time we met to take her home with me and I said that I learned to tell the good ones from the bad ones and told her about Mary D, who attempted to attack me for prank calling her. She said that was awful and seemed to understand why I crawled into this little shell.

The sicko (Mary) came over for her record and started trashing the place before she turned on me, knocked me down, then ran.

I also told her what I heard about Bev and that I heard she wanted Bev, and she denied it saying her lips were sealed and she wouldn’t repeat any of it to Bev. I told this to Andy who got pissed at me fearing there was a good 98% chance that Maria would definitely go to Bev and that Bev would go to Andy all pissed off. I did not realize at the time that what I said could be harmful but to me, it is a test of trust and honesty.

Maria told me that she doesn’t have many friends herself and sometimes needs someone to talk to and would like to go to the movies or the mall and that when I called her at work upset about the barrette she was about to apologize and explain why she couldn’t come over, but I didn’t give her a chance and hung up, assuming she didn’t care, and I explained she was right cuz of past experience.

Andy, however, does believe that she wants Bev and that she put a hickey on Bev’s neck, though Maria denied it, saying she didn’t know Bev well, didn’t see much of her and has only known her for 6 months. Well, time will tell whether she’s a liar or she is honest.

The thing she did that really shocked me the most was give me her phone number. I told her I was so sorry for calling her at work, her place of business and she said not to worry about it at all and that if I had a problem to call her at work or home. She told me she usually gets home after 6 PM on weekdays. I certainly am not going to bug her or burden her in any way but in the long run, I still believe this will never be a sexual relationship and that she is still young and unaware of her sexuality. Bev, boyfriend, or not, she just wants to be strictly friends and that’s ok. Better than nothing.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 1988 I’ve been up all night cuz I was afraid to go to sleep and not hear the alarm in time to go to court today for the little macho bully male pig.

I slept all night yesterday plus all day due to that fucking medication the shrink gave me.

I’m reading a book about people with sexual dysfunctions who go into therapy and use sex surrogates to cure their problems and I have decided to seek help for the problem I have where it’s too painful for a male to penetrate me which I read is called vaginismus caused by an obstruction or the walls of the vagina involuntarily tightening. I believe it would make me happier to solve the problem, and yes, I do sometimes wish I were straight and could marry a great guy and have a baby but it all goes back to my not being attracted to men. Yet I’d probably get an ugly female and I still believe that male or female I’d only get an asshole, and 98% of the males are assholes, so it’s mostly women that have assholes or are going to get them, not just me.

I know they don’t use sex surrogates here in Springfield. Most places don’t cuz they consider it prostitution, although I think in some cases, such as mine, it’s very helpful. I hope they can help me by just talking to me, but if I’m stupid enough to fall for a male, what if they rape me or beat me or steal from me or are like Ron, Nervous or Al? That’s all I get. What if I got another woman like Mary? I’ll never get a woman like Gloria. Never.

But I also decided that today I just might call that dating service for gay women called Woman To Woman. I hope I can afford it and if they give me a decent woman and I lose her or they give me a jerk, I want my money back.

[seapiatech]

​ Become a part of our community, contribute your knowledge, and unlock your earning potential. Together, let's explore the frontiers of human innovation and share the wonders of the world we live in!See you at Seapia.tech - where knowledge meets opportunity!

[baglove]

(via cat lovers Mask by mohammed elhachimi)

funny, cute, fear federal feel feeling few field fight figure fill film final finally financial find fine finger finish fire firm first fish five floor fly focus follow food foot for force foreign forget form former forward four free friend from front full fund future, game garden gas general generation get girl give glass go goal good government great green ground group grow growth guess gun guy hair half hand hang happen happy hard have he head health hear heart heat heavy help her here herself high him himself his, a ability able about above accept according account across act action activity actually add address administration admit adult affect after again against age agency agent ago agree agreement ahead air all allow almost alone along already also although, always american among amount analysis and animal another answer any anyone anything appear apply approach area argue arm around arrive art article artist as ask assume at attack attention attorney audience author authority available avoid away baby back, institution interest interesting international interview into investment involve issue it item its itself job join just keep key kid kill kind kitchen know knowledge land language large last late later laugh law lawyer lay lead leader learn least leave, left leg legal less let letter level lie life light like likely line list listen little live local long look lose loss lot love low machine magazine main maintain major majority make man manage management manager many market marriage material matter may, civil claim class clear clearly close coach cold collection college color come commercial common community company compare computer concern condition conference congress consider consumer contain continue control cost could country couple course court, cover create crime cultural culture cup current customer cut dark data daughter day dead deal death debate decade decide decision deep defense degree democrat democratic describe design despite detail determine develop development die difference different, bad ball bank bar base be beat beautiful because become bed before begin behavior behind believe benefit best better between beyond big bill billion bit black blood blue board book born both box boy break bring brother budget build building, business but buy by call camera campaign can cancer candidate capital car care career carry case catch cause cell center central century certain certainly chair challenge chance change character charge check child choice choose church citizen city, myself name nation national natural nature near nearly necessary need network never new news newspaper next nice night no none nor north not note nothing notice now number occur of off offer office officer official often oh oil ok old on once one only, enough enter entire environment environmental especially establish even evening event ever every everybody everyone everything evidence exactly example executive exist expect experience expert explain eye face fact factor fail fall family far fast father, history hit hold home hope hospital hot hotel hour house how however huge human hundred husband i idea identify if image imagine impact important improve in include including increase indeed indicate industry information inside instead, sort sound source south southern space speak special specific speech spend sport spring staff stage stand standard star start state statement station stay step still stock stop store story strategy street strong structure student study stuff style subject, shake share she shoot short shot should shoulder show side sign significant similar simple simply since sing single sister sit site situation six size skill skin small smile so social society soldier some somebody someone something sometimes son song soon, third this those though thought thousand threat three through throughout thus time to today together tonight too top total tough toward town trade traditional training travel treat treatment tree trial trip trouble true truth try turn tv two type, difficult dinner direction director discover discuss discussion disease do doctor dog door down draw dream drive drop drug during each early east easy eat economic economy edge education effect effort eight either election else employee end energy enjoy, onto open operation opportunity option or order organization other others our out outside over own owner page pain painting paper parent part participant particular particularly partner party pass past patient pattern pay peace people per perform, cat, love, success successful such suddenly suffer suggest summer support sure surface system table take talk task tax teach teacher team technology television tell ten tend term test than thank that the their them themselves then theory there these they thing think, animal, tie dye hippie hipster rainbow tumblr cool peace trendy colorful cute shaka trending trippy beach blue pastel hippy dye funny hang loose indie jeep ocean tie aesthetic boho fashion girly good vibes love popular positive surf vibes weed adventure bohemian, dope feminism girl green groovy grunge hand happy hawaii kawaii life loose mandala meme music nice pale peaceful pink purple space summer tiedye trend tye die tye dye vintage 70s 90s artsy be happy black california car colors drugs festival florida food, fun good goth hang hearts hippies instagram la logo lsd marijuana meditate new york peace sign pineapple psychedelic pun quote retro script shoes sign stay woke tie die top selling travel traveling tropical typography vibe water waves white woke yellow zen, 1960 1970 2019 3 420 60s aestethic alex morgan alien aloha anatomy apples atlanta atlantis avocado avocados awesome backgrounds ball basic beautiful bernie birkenstocks black and white bloodshot bob bob weir bones bong brandy melville bright bright side, bro bud buddha buddhas bumper ca cali calligraphy calm cartoon case chaco chacos chakra chakras chance the rapper chic chicago chill chill out city claire andrews claireandrewss classic clout clout goggles college colour colourful country cowabunga dancing, skeleton dark blue dead head death designs disco dolphin donut doodle dorm down drake dude edm elephant elephants emoji eno equal pay eyes fall fat buddha fist floral flower flowers font four stars fries fruit fry funds fye gd50 girl gang girl girl girls

[lyonfreddie]

prolonged wailing and gnashing of teeth under the cut!!!

let me just preface this by saying that i never get super personal on here anymore but i really just need to vent!!!!

i love my job mostly because i love my coworkers. i work in development/fundraising at a pretty big museum and our team of 5 is all a bunch of young professional women with Good Taste and Witty Banter. like we are all successionpilled. i would hate my job so much if i didn’t work with these people. last week, my favorite coworker announced she was moving to another city and got a job there to be with her long-distance fiancé (he got a tenure track job and obviously... cannot move lmao), and i was SO SAD because she is SO COOL and SO POISED and i want to be just like her, but i took comfort in the fact that we would still have 4/5 of our lovely team still together.

and then my boss pulls me aside first thing this morning and tells me SHE’S LEAVING TO LMFAO

like. i’m literally going to go insane. after march 16, our team of 5 will be a team of 3, and we won’t have either a leadership giving manager OR a membership manager. i print member cards and assemble renewal/new member packets once a week each week as my Big Project but before my boss leaves she’s going to teach me how to do pretty much everything she does that she hasn’t taught me yet. which is really, really nice of her, and also kind of a vote of confidence—i seriously doubt she would take another job if she wasn’t absolutely sure she was leaving her membership program in capable hands. 

my boss is the best boss i’ve ever had. she’s so organized and she knows everything about our museum’s institutional history because she was working there before it was even built. she has always given me clear instructions and honest feedback and she’s just so, so funny. she’s great. we’re practically the same person and have the same interests. and i still have so much left to learn from her. it almost feels unfair that she’s leaving, but i’m an actual adult now and i know this is the correct career move for her. she’s not even going that far. she’s going to work at another museum that is like 800 feet away from us.

but i’m still SO fucking sad. i’ve been crying on and off all day, including at work, where i had to hold it all in. the major gifts officer saw me at the printer and was like ‘you must be feeling sad, huh’ and all i could say was ‘yeah’ and she patted me on the back and i almost lost it in the middle of the office. like... GOD

it’s so embarrassing. i pride myself on being very cool and calm and collected, and the rest of my team always tells me it’s nice how i’m so calm all the time, especially when we’re running events. but i literally walked home today and then sat on the floor of my apartment and bawled for 5 straight minutes until i was out of breath. lol. i am going to be a wreck for every single bit of their farewells and it is not going to be pretty. i’m so sad. i’m so scared. what the fuck.

i’ve also just like... been On Edge for the past week or so in a way that hasn’t really manifested since grad school. my first semester of grad school was when i developed really bad anxiety that only manifested as physical symptoms—nausea, diarrhea, constipation, loss of appetite, insomnia, weird painful muscle cramps, etc. to the point where i literally thought i was on the verge of death! i’ve been reading a book about the salem witch trials and couldn’t help but notice that the “fits” described by the “afflicted” were weirdly similar to how my anxiety jumped out, save for, like, hallucinations. it’s a good book and i want to finish it but just thinking about the similarities almost gave me a panic attack one night... which is crazy. and then i woke up this morning and found out my stupid hemorrhoid is flaring up again. which, in retrospect, just seems like an omen. lmao.

if there is any silver lining to this at all, it’s that there is a possibility i may be promoted to membership manager. i’m currently at the coordinator level, but when my boss broke the news to me, she said that we’d be working with our external membership consultant (who i’ve met! she’s great.) to help keep renewal notices and regular mailings going out. presumable until i’m up to speed. i’ve been at this museum for over a year, and full-time for 7 months. they might wait a few months, until i get closer to a year as a FT employee. or they might just hire a new boss for me. i’m ok staying at the coordinator level for a little while longer; it’s nice not having to worry a TON about budgets and financial goals. but i could probably do it if pressed. and getting a big ass salary bump would be nice.

if you made it all the way to the end, thank you for being cringe with me 🤝 the reason this is here and not in my journal is because there was clearly too much to put into my journal without having my hand cramp up. i’ll be ok. i’ll get through this. but it’s gonna fucking suck 😭

[qocsuing]

Saxo Markets Review: A professional brokerage for professional traders

Saxo Markets Review: A professional brokerage for professional traders

Saxo Markets is one of the largest CFD brokers worldwide and provides direct market access to equities, bonds, forex, futures and options as well as being a major liquidity and infrastructure provider to wealth managers, banks and smaller brokers.To get more news about saxo review, you can visit wikifx.com official website.

Saxo Markets Expert Review The thing about trading is that it is completely misunderstood. People still think they can beat the market with little or no knowledge about how global macroeconomics or a company’s balance sheet works. Trading is no different to any other skill, hobby or career, it requires experience.

It’s true, trading is hard, you have to know what you are doing, study, learn, and develop. It’s not for everyone. People think it’s easy, it’s not, it’s very high risk.

If you are going to trade you have to understand it. What it is, why you’re doing it and what the risks are.

My point here is that there are many different trading platforms and brokers to choose from, and all cater to slightly different audiences. Some cater to absolute beginners, some are more focussed on FX, others on stocks, some on automated trading strategies, and some for people that just want to tap away during the day scalping the markets.

But Saxo Markets, in my view anyway, has always catered to the more experienced traders, ones who may have already spent five years cutting their teeth as a risk warning statistic.

Over the years I’ve traded with Saxo Markets, been a competitor as a broker at Man Financial, and been an institutional customer when I had a white label of their trading platform when I was at Investors Intelligence. I’ve also interviewed two of their UK CEOs and been to their offices a few times, so I know a fair bit about them.

Saxo were in fact one of the earliest brokers to offer multi-asset trading from a single platform with direct market access, which puts them at the most sophisticated end of the spectrum.

For more experienced traders Saxo Markets offers CFD trading with direct market access. This means that instead of trading at prices set by the broker (usually slightly widened from the underlying bid/offer) you trade at the price you see on the exchange. By trading DMA CFDs your orders are placed directly on the order book letting you work limits inside the best bid/offer, meaning if you don’t want to deal at the market you’ll get better pricing than anywhere else if filled. Because you are trading DMA, your commission is charged afterwards and not included in the spread. This type of trading is particularly suited to larger and more professional traders, which is Saxo Markets ideal customer.

They are also one of the few trading platforms in the UK that offer retail traders (private clients) access to futures and options. Again an indication that Saxo goes after and caters to more experienced customers, because trading futures is for higher value accounts. FTSE futures for example are traded on ICE, and 1 lot is valued at £10 per index point. So, if for example the FTSE is trading at 7723 (as they are today) the smallest trade you can put on gives you £77,230 of exposure to the 100 biggest companies in on the LSE. Which is an initial margin of £4,890. Other brokers like IG who (as well as looking after larger customers and funds) cater to smaller more inexperienced traders we let you trade the FTSE at 50p a point (£3,861.50 exposure).

Saxo are also quite risk averse for a margin trading business, as they do not offer excessive margins. Compared to Interactive Brokers (probably their closest competitor for product range and accounts types in the UK) their margin rates are quite high, for CFDs as they don’t want their customer blowing up. Instead they’ve told me on many occasions, they are more interested in building long-term mutually beneficial and profitable relationships with their customers.

As far as the trading platform is concerned, it’s excellent, well laid out, markets are easy to find and you get the choice with each asset if you want to trade is as a future or CFD if it’s an index, commodity or currency pair. If you’re trading stocks you can either deal as a CFD or a physical equity for longer-term investing.

You can drag and drop instruments from watchlist to the charting screen, then bring up options boards, and product overviews which give you all the pertinent details and market depth with level-2 pricing. Some markets though (like FTSE futures) you need a subscription to see live exchange data.

In the research tab you get access to trading signals from autochartist, which is probably worth taking with a pinch of salt because most platforms have this. But, there are really well integrated into the platform where you can deal straight from the signal and add pre-determined stops and limits.

[forgottencormac]

Letting out a little shriek as Finn lazily lobbed a shoe his way, Cormac darted for safety to the opposite side of the bed and, drawing himself up with full dignity, his rakishly angled hat nearly scraping the ceiling with its high-flung plumes, he conjured what he imagined was the benevolent smile of a lord towards his foolish but well-meaning younger brother. Instead, he looked rather as if he were focusing too hard on holding in a belch.

"Brother mine," he began, seeking to project a voice a similar to the expression he had in mind, but instead sounding as if he were faking a deeper voice than he had -- which was, in fact, the actual truth. "I wish to make an appearance today in the Great Hall below. It has occurred to me that our sisters are all of marriable age and we ought to seek out fitting suitors for them each -- though what poor fool will take your twin off our hands I cannot imagine!" he laughed. "Come. Advise me. That is," he added, pulling back Finn's sheets, before staggering back in an overly dramatic fashion at the scent of stale alcohol and, perhaps, a touch of vomit from last night's endeavors. He made an expression rather as if he'd swallowed a lemon and pressed his handkerchief to his nose and mouth, his final words coming out rather muffled: "An order."

Cormac retreated to the far corner of the room, letting his kerchief dip ever so slightly, and beginning to gesticulate with the hand clasping it as he spoke, giving the impression of a wounded bird attempting flight as he flapped it through the air. "We gentlemen must stick together, brother dear. Our women will object, of course. They are ladies and therefore are foolish. But we men of sense, mind you: we know better. I would have your advice in this matter. For instance," he added with a resolute attempt at suppressing the tremendous grin that threatened to consume his features at the thought. "I believe Lord Boyle will best do for our sweet Fiona."

Lord Boyle, it was said, was the oldest man in the realm. He'd had nine wives in his time, and managed to outlive them all. He was older than the late Commander Lorcan, and older still -- it was said -- than even his father had been. Blind in one eye, and mostly in the other, to speak to him was to shriek, and he drooled more often than he did not. He had no doubt been a great man, once, but he could walk no more than two steps at a time, now, and required aid even to eat. But Cormac had threatened to marry his youngest sister to an old man, and threatening in a very convincing way to go through with it greatly appealed to his sense of justice -- particularly after that feat she'd pulled of stuffing his room with live swans while he slept.

"But what about Eabha? One of these Varmont fellows might do for her, don't you think? Lord Grey, perhaps, or Lord Royce? I think taking up the one god would do her well, do you not?"

While Eabha's sins were less egregious than those of Fiona, she had managed to strike her brother's nerves as well, failing to know her place when she often commanded him to do or say something so forcefully he felt compelled to comply; or going behind his back to arrange matters, a thing she did with cavalier disrespect to his august office. Their father had always favored her, and he feared it had gone to her head when she had no bsusiness thinking at all: that much was plain. Better, he thought, to get her well away from Hanthom, from Calleary, and from himself, where she might at last learn her place.

He paused, then, however, his beam collapsing upon itself with his mind falling upon the matter of his favorite sister. "Our...our Aine, though...it may be...perhaps it is a trice hasty with her, hm? Perhaps...perhaps she might be spared..."

Go Away | Finn & Cormac

Finn could tell by the sun outside his window that it had been up for hours, but he could also tell that it had not been up long enough yet for him to have gotten enough sleep. And yet he had been roused from his slumber by something and it wasn't until he peeked through his eyelids and focused on the figure standing in his doorway that he realized who it had been.

His eyesight was still half-blurry with sleep, but he could tell from the silhouette alone that it was his older brother. No one else would wear a long cape and a feathered hat just to walk about the castle.

"Go away!" Finn used whatever strength he had to toss a boot in his brother's direction, but it hardly made it to Cormac's feet. Finn was too tired to try to reach for the other one which had been scattered too far away from the bed. Instead he grabbed an extra pillow and put it over his head. "It's too early for whatever you've come here to say."

No doubt he'd insist on using ten words, too, where one would do.

[stepwiseimmigration01]

How to stay in Canada after PGWP expires?

Ways to stay in Canada after PGWP expiresProvincial Nominee ProgramAtlantic Immigration Program (AIP)

The main query that comes to every student mind is Can I apply for open work permit after PGWP. Canada is a famous nation that has strict policies and laws. But as time changes, Canada is giving some relaxation to lure more students into raising their economy. If you wish to stay in Canada, extend post graduate work permit as it gives you more chances to work in Canada and earn handsome money. Seeking for the best open work permit after PGWP experts. Reach the office of Stepwise Immigrations today to extend your permit soon. This is because we are experts with years of experience handling different cases. In this blog, let’s read about how to stay in Canada after PGWP expires.

What is PGWP?

The post-graduation work permit (PGWP) enables you to work and live in Canada full-time after you graduate from a selected learning institution (DLI). You may therefore work anywhere in Canada in any work of your choice, regardless of whether it is related to your studies. An international student can receive only one work permit in Canada in a lifetime after completing their studies here. Looking for the best experts to extend post graduate work permit. Have a meeting with our experts today at Stepwise Immigrations. We will help you with our full potential so that you cannot face any issues later.

You can stay in Canada many ways after PGWP expires, but some have queries about what happens if my PGWP expires. There is no need to panic, and it is best to take the expert of Stepwise Immigrations. Our experts will help you to extend post graduate work permit.

Are you seeking the answer for what to do after 1 year PGWP expires? Then PNP is the best program for you. Each province manages different paths to invite eligible immigration candidates to meet their specific labour market demand. Currently, there are two broad types of PNPs, Base PNPs and Enhanced PNPs. For PNPs to invite candidates to apply for a provincial nomination, they should be able to reach the Express Entry pool. A candidate who qualifies for Express Entry under such events will automatically receive 600 points toward their overall score. Due to this fact, it is a certainty that they will receive an invitation to apply for PR in Canada.

However, those not eligible for Express Entry may still be able to immigrate to Canada through a base PNP. These programs enable you to apply for local nomination directly to the region. Furthermore, it helps your application for PR to the federal state. It is optional to have any previous experience in the area or a job offer – although these things usually come in handy.

Take the assistance of Stepwise Immigrations now to open work permit after PGWP. Our experts will help with how to stay in Canada after PGWP expires.

What happens if my PGWP expires? But do not worry. Stepwise Immigrations is here to help you. Recent graduates of a post-secondary institution in the Atlantic can become permanent residents through the Atlantic Immigration Program. This program is handy as it permits PGWP holders to stay in Canada after the end of their permit.

Read more about how to stay in Canada after PGWP expires?

[americasass91]

Baby Fever

Hello lovelies! I hope everyone is well! This little fic is for the amazingly talented @buckyownsmylife​ 2k/Birthday Challenge! Which the theme for it was breeding kink. Which how could I not participate in that? Breeding kink just happens to be one of the biggest kinks I have(and i don’t even want kids, go figure) So I looked through my Masterlist and realized I didn’t have a breeding kink fic with Steve. Well, I can’t say that anymore!

Thank you for hosting this challenge you lovely, beautiful human! And congrats on the 2k!! You deserve that and so much more! I hope everyone enjoys!

Rating: Explicit (duh, it’s a breeding kink fic)

Words: 2.8k

Warnings: breeding kink(again, duh), Professor!Steve(I feel like he’s a warning all by himself, language, age gap, unprotected sex(I mean, it’s kind of implied but I’ll put the warning anyway)

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“How long do we have to stay at this thing?”

You help can’t but roll your eyes at your husband of 4 months. “I told you I’m not sure. It’s my niece’s 1st birthday party. You could’ve stayed home you know.”

Steve pulls up to your sister’s house and parks among the other vehicles in the front yard. “Yeah and give them even more reasons to hate me? No thanks.”

See, Steve wasn’t your family’s favorite person. It all has to do with the fact that he’s 10 years older than you and how you guys met, which was during your freshman year of college. You were the innocent student and he was your history professor.

The attraction was instant and very mutual between you two. But dating students at this particular university was frowned upon and Steve could have lost his job. So, you admired each other from afar….that is until the semester was over. You went to visit him in his office after your last class and he eagerly bent you over his desk and ruined you for any other future man you may have.

Well, that was 6 years ago now. Your family of course didn’t approve and thought he was just taking advantage of a young, naive student. Your mom was the first to come around when she noticed a change in your demeanor and how happy he made you. She talked some sense into your dad and he eventually backed off as well.  

It took until Steve put a ring on your finger for your sister to accept him. Although you know her and her friends still judged you two. You could tell by the looks you guys always got whenever around them. You learned to not let it bother you. Steve was amazing. He was attentive, caring, and he loved you with everything he had. The only flaw he had was that he didn’t want kids.

It almost made you consider not marrying him. You had always wanted kids. But, in the end you realized you wanted Steve for the rest of your life more than a baby. But he did adopt a kitten with you. So it’s a win, win.

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He gets out of the car and grabs the gift out of the trunk. You had gotten her an outfit that says ‘My aunt is cooler than your aunt’ and various toys that she would enjoy. Plus, being the book editor you were, you couldn’t not get her a book. So, you got her the very first Harry Potter book. When Steve saw you wrapping it with a questioning look, you told him it was never too early to start a child’s transition into being a Potterhead.

You skipped excitedly next to Steve as you made your way to the front door. He couldn’t help but chuckle at your enthusiasm. “You excited or something, sweetheart?”

After ringing the doorbell, you turn towards him. “Of course I am! I love my little niece!”

Truth was, you knew you were never going to have a baby of your own. So you poured all of your love and joy for a baby into your niece.

You’re pulled from your thoughts when your brother-in-law, Matt, answers the door.

“Mr. and Mrs. Rogers! Glad you made it! Come on in!” He ushers you 2 inside, helping you both hang your coats up in the hall closet. He then points to the obvious gift table. “You can just set that down there, Steve. And if you’d like, me and a bunch of the other husbands are downstairs in the basement watching the game. You’re more than welcome to join us.”

Steve looks at you, silently asking for permission. You give him a quick pecking the lips. “Go have fun. Just make sure to come back up for food and presents.”

As Steve heads downstairs with Matt, you can’t help but take in all the decorations. Little Miss Lindsey just happens to currently be obsessed with The Little Mermaid. So of course the theme is under the sea. Your sister really went all out. Streamers, balloons, and even mermaid figurines were everywhere. There’s even mermaid confetti on the tables.

You head in search of your sister and the birthday girl, one of which you find in the kitchen. “Hey sis! Need any help?”

Your sister, Rachel, turns from the hot dog sauce she’s stirring on the stove and gives you a big hug. “Oh, thank god you’re here! Can you grab the vegetable tray and potato salad out of the fridge and put them on that table over there?”

“Sure! Where’s Linds?” You ask as you grab the requested items out of the fridge.

Your sister returns to the sauce on the stove. “She’s still napping. I should be getting her up soon. Where’s Steve? He stay home? I know this isn’t really his thing.”

You take the plastic wrap off the potato salad and sit it amongst the smorgasbord of other food on the table. “Of course he’s here. He’s down in the basement with the other men.”

You sister lets out a sigh. “Yeah, I told Matt they could only watch until everybody got here. Ah, shit. I think I hear Lindsey crying.”

“I’ll get her!” Quickly jumping at the chance to see her.

“You sure? That would be great! The outfit I want her to wear is on the changing table. And can you do her hair up in the bow, too?”

“You got it!” You make your way down the hall towards Lindsey’s room, her crying getting louder. You open the door and see her sitting up in her crib. Her crying quiets the moment she sees you. She gets a big ole smile on her face and reaches out for you. “Hi, sweet girl! How is the birthday girl today?” You pick her up and give her a big hug. “How about we get you changed into your party outfit?” She just coos back at you in response.

You push her outfit aside and lay her down on the changing table. Quickly realizing she’s wet, you give her a fresh diaper. She attempts to ‘help’ as you try to change her into her party outfit. Which after it’s on her, she looks like a little mermaid. You quickly brush her hair and pull as much of it as you can into a ponytail on the top of her head and add the matching bow. You stand back a little from her and clap your hands. “What a pretty girl! Are you ready to join your party?” You pick her up and turn around to head out of the room. You’re surprised to see your husband standing in the doorway.

“Hey, I thought you were watching the game?” He shrugs his shoulders and walks towards you two. “I missed you.” He tickles Lindsey’s side, causing her to giggle. “Happy Birthday, little one.” You can’t help but feel your heart warm. That always happens anytime your husband interacts with a baby.

“I was just helping Rachel out by getting her ready. She seemed a little frazzled in the kitchen.” You turn your attention back to Lindsey. “Come on, sweet girl. Let’s go join your mommy in the kitchen!”

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The next hour goes by in a blur. You weren’t really paying attention to anyone else. All of yours on Lindsey. The only food she seemed to want was what was on your plate. You didn’t mind sharing. Then she got to ‘smash’ her cake. Which for Lindsey it meant taking delicate little bites from said cake, mostly of the icing. She did still manage to get it all down the front of her though. But that’s okay, Rachel of course had a back up outfit ready.

You had just polished off your hot dog when Rachel walked back into the room with a now clean Lindsey. Steve grabbed yours and his plates to go dispose of.

Rachel sat on the floor with Lindsey who immediately started crawling towards you. “I think you’re gonna have to join us, sis.”

You can tell it’s hurting Rachel’s feelings a little that Lindsey is so attached to you today. Nevertheless, you join them on the floor, placing Lindsey in your lap. “Ready to open presents, sweet girl?”

Rachel turns to Matt. “Honey, could you start handing out the presents please?”

He nods and goes to grab the first of many presents. He sits it down in front of Lindsey who immediately goes for the tissue paper. She doesn’t even seem to care about the present in the bag. You laugh and try to get her attention on the gift inside.

You look up and see everyone laughing at the birthday girl who only wants the tissue paper. You notice Steve towards the back of the crowd, only he’s not laughing. He’s giving you a look. You’ve seen that look before. It instantly sends a shiver down your spine and makes your panties wet. He wants you.

You try to give him a stern look. He shouldn’t be looking at you like that in the middle of your niece’s party. He puts his hands up in surrender.

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After taking almost 2 hours to open the rest of the gifts, Lindsey was a sleepy girl. You were sitting on the couch with Lindsey cuddled up into your chest. You were gently rocking her back and forth. You look over at your sister who was cleaning up the mess from the presents.

“I can go put her down for a nap, Rach. I don’t mind.”

“Thanks, sis. You seem to be her favorite person today so she’d probably scream if I tried to do it. Matt! Could you get a bottle ready for Lindsey so my sister can put her down for her nap?”

A few minutes later he comes out with the bottle and hands it to you.

You stand up and look over at Steve. “I shouldn’t be too long. Did you want to head out of here after I put her down? I know you still have those papers to grade.”

He nods. “Yeah, if you don’t mind. Thanks, sweetheart.”

You squeeze his bicep as you pass by him. “Of course not. Like I said, this shouldn’t take too long.” You glance at Lindsey and notice she’s having trouble keeping her eyes open.

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Just like you predicted, it only took Lindsey about 15 minutes to fall asleep. You take one last glance at her, your heart tugging a little, knowing you’ll never have one of your own.

You quietly close the door and don’t even take 2 steps before the door across the hall opens to reveal Steve. You look at him in confusion. “Babe? Why are you in the laundry room?”

He doesn’t respond. Instead, he grabs your arm and pulls you into the room with him. He makes sure to shut the door behind him.

“Steve, what are you doing? I thought we were leaving?”

He pushes you to the front of the washing machine and presses himself up against you, immediately making you feel how hard he is. “Need you, baby.” He reaches around and starts undoing your jeans.

You start pushing his hands away and try to turn around. His hold on your waist tightens, stopping you.

“Steve, we are not doing this here. You can wait until we get home.”

You are suddenly pushed until your front is resting on the top of the washing machine, Steve covering his body with yours. He lets out a low growl in your ear. “This” he presses his bulge more firmly against your ass “is your fault. So, you’re going to help me with it.”

You turn your head to the side as he pushes your jeans over the curve of your ass. “Me? What the fuck did I do? I haven’t even really talked to you today. Been with Lindsey all day.”

He fastens his pace in removing his own jeans, only lowering them enough to free his aching cock. He lands a smack to your panty covered ass. “Exactly. Made me so hard watching you with the baby. Made me think what it’d be like if we had one. What you’d look like swelled with my kid. Knew I had to have you.”

You managed to push him back far enough to stand up straight and turn around to face him. “Steve, I’m not going to let you fuck me in my sister’s laundry room.” He launches at you, trapping your body between his and the washing machine. “It’s cute that you think you’re in charge. Now, I’m going to fuck a baby into you. And I can either do that here or I’ll take you out in the living room where everyone is and bend you over there.”

Fuck. These panties are officially fucked. Still, you have questions. “I thought you didn’t want kids, Steve? Plus I’m on the pill.”

His face turns soft for a second. He cups your cheek in his left hand. “I didn’t think I did. But seeing you with her today? Now that’s all I want, all I can think about. You with our baby. You’d be the best mother. And you’ll just stop taking your pill. Starting today. We’ll keep trying until it takes. Is this something you’re even still wanting?”

You grab onto his wrist and push your cheek against his palm. “Of course it is.” You turn back around and bend over the washer. You lower your panties to your knees and shake your ass in his direction. “Well? What are you waiting for? Fuck a baby into me, Steve.”

He growls and closes the distance between you. He grabs the base of his cock and rubs the tip through your dripping folds. “Don’t have time to stretch you out first, sweetheart. And I’m really worked up, so this will probably be quick.”

You push back against him, eager to get him inside you already. “Don’t care. Just please, fuck me Professor Rogers.” You knew that’d get him.

“Fuck.” Is the only warning you get before he buries himself in you to the hilt. He just gets his hand over your mouth before your moan escapes your throat.

He only gives you a second to adjust to his size before he starts a bruising pace. After a few thrusts, he removes his hand from your mouth and smacks your ass. He feels you clench around him. “Yeah? You like when your professor fucks you?”

You quickly nod your head. “Yeah. You fuck me so good. Need your cum. Need you to fill me up.”

Steve quickens his pace even more if that’s possible. He moves his left hand off your hip and moves it around you to find your clit. He presses quick circles against it. “Need you to cum first, sweetheart. Need to feel you squeeze me.”

You start pushing back to meet his thrusts. You can feel the coil inside you ready to snap. You just need a little something more.

Steve leans over you and starts pressing kisses up your spine, his pace never faltering. Once he reaches your shoulder, he bites down lightly. He moves his mouth next to your ear. “Come on, sweetheart. Cum for your professor. Then I’ll fill you up nice and full, get you pregnant. Cum for me, Y/N.”

You press your face into the crook of your elbow to muffle your scream as you cum undone on his cock. Your orgasm triggers his. He cums with a quiet shout as he fills you full of his spend, some of it leaking out around him. He gives a few more shallow thrusts before stopping and catching his breath.

He rubs his hands up and down your back. “You okay? I didn’t hurt you did I?”

You turn your head so you can look at him. “Mmm, i’m great.” You can’t help but let out a little giggle, feeling drunk on sex.

Steve smiles down at you and moves his hand until it’s resting on your lower stomach. “I hope it worked.” He slowly pulls out and watches as his cum starts leaking out of your pussy. He quickly scoops it up and pushes it back inside, causing a whimper to escape your lips. “Sorry, sweetheart. Can’t let any of it go to waste.”

Once he’s sure he’s got it all, he quickly pulls your panties back into place. He stands you up and turns you around to press a sweet kiss to your lips. “I love you so much, thank you for being mine.”

You give him a big smile. “I love you, too. And thank you for picking me.” You bend down to pull up your jeans, Steve mirroring your actions. Once you’re both redressed, you wrap your arms around his neck and press a firm kiss to his lips.

“Now, let’s hurry up and get home. Want you to fill me up again.” You give him a wink and turn to head out the door. “You coming?”

He smirks as he starts following you out. “Oh, I will be.”

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