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bistevethor · 3 years ago

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Steve Rogers Fanfiction Recommendations

Happy birthday, Steve!

I know that there are some (a lot?) of steve fans who sometimes struggle to find fics focused on him, so I am here now putting a list of Steve fics. I was going to fics that I haven't seen recommended a lot and most of the ones on this post have less than 200 kudos only, but I end up putting everything (it's probably easier to put my bookmarks as public but well...). It's a massive list (over 100 fics?), so it's will be separated into several posts/reblogs.

Not all of them are from Steve's POV or even have him as the main 'main' character, but rest assured he played an important role and is featured heavily. Lots of these are friendship-focused but I categorized them. The shippy ones are mostly samsteve, thundershield, and some rare pairings because I don't venture to other ships a lot and when I did it's to the rare ones instead lol. Hopefully, any of you can find some gems from this list and these are as enjoyable or as good as I remembered. I'll continue to update it, hopefully, every time I find new ones.

Fics are under read more.

General

The Rocket's Red Glare

Steve was born on the Fourth of July (no joke), so a party is in order! Unfortunately, PTSD decides to rear its ugly head. Fortunately, Steve's got an entire team at his back to help him through it. And screaming goats.

an entry in the scrapbook of absurdity

In which Steve turns into a baby and bites people.

Baby Steve Adventures

Captain America gets hit by a spell during a battle. The rest of the Avengers look after him.

Do You Remember Being Happy? ('Cause I Sure Don't)

"Dragr," Thor called them. "Demons" Clint had said. "Thieves" is what Steve labels them as. AKA, the one where Steve is captured by creatures that feed off of happy memories, and the team is left to pick up the pieces. Post-Avengers.

In Search of (Bucky, Family, Home)

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov & Sam Wilson

A week following the events of CATWS, Steve recruits Natasha and Sam to help find Bucky.

Sam raised an eyebrow. “Do we need to recap again? You were shot three times, beaten near to death by an enhanced super soldier with a metal arm and then almost drowned. Yeah, your ass is going to need a few more days of healing time.”

The Truth When Captains Meet

Steve Rogers wakes up on an alien’s space ship being carried bridal style by Carol Danvers. As far as first meetings go, it’s memorable.

Irish Coffee

Pairings: Jessica Jones & Steve Rogers

Jessica runs into an incognito Cap at a cafe. They form an unlikely friendship of sorts.

The Lifetimes of Steve Rogers (Series)

What happens when Steve Rogers steps onto the quantum platform to return the Stones? Where does he go? What challenges does he find? Who does he meet? How many lifetimes can one man have?

Fifty-Two Pickup

Less than a week after the fall of the Triskelion, Steve Rogers is released from the hospital. Although his physical wounds are almost fully healed, other injuries need a bit more time, and some help from friends.

little kids get big so fast

Steve ends up having to take care of the deaged Defenders.

Grampa Steve's Bedtime Stories

If Mommy was away for work, then Morgan’s Grampa Steve came over to stay with her. He’d tuck her in, let her give Mommy a kiss on video chat, then hand her the picture of Daddy for his kiss. Once Daddy’s picture was back on the bookshelf, Grampa Steve would turn off the bedside lamp so that Miss Friday could cover the ceiling with stars, and ask Morgan what story she wanted to hear.

“Captain Steve, Grampa! Tell me Captain Steve!”

Grampa Steve sometimes read to her from books and other times watched a movie with her, but her favorite by far was when he told her Captain Steve’s Adventures Through the Multiverse.

On Camping Trips

Sam is more Hermione than Natasha is, and Steve doesn't want to be Harry.

Powerful

Steve loses the advantages of the super-soldier serum. This is not a tragedy.

His Dream

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson

As if on cue, Steve cut him off with a loud sneeze.

"Yeah. Like that." Sam nodded. "And please sneeze into your elbow next time, dude. You could've just started an epidemic."

"Sorry. Allergies." Steve excused, and Sam raised an eyebrow.

"How do you know it's allergies?" Sam asked, and Steve sighed, putting the ingredients together and solving the mystery of what the gas had actually done.

The answer wasn't ideal. "It feels like the seasonal allergies I had before. Before the serum- and I haven't had them since the serum."

Realization clicked in Sam's head.

"The gas de-serumed you."

Steve swallowed and nodded reluctantly.

OR: Steve gets temporarily de-serumed, with his height and stature staying the same but his immune system being as bad as it was before, and has to stay in the hospital to prevent a severe allergic reaction or illness. Sam stays with him the whole time, making sure he's not alone.

A Strange Encounter

Things have gone awry and Strange is injured. With no other options, he's called for assistance from Captain America and his team.

even if we're apart, i'll always be with you

Steve finds a dirty toy bear at an abandoned gas station, on the way back from a school trip. He brings him home.

As Long as You’re Not Tired Yet of Talking

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov

When Steve Rogers tells her, “Don’t be a stranger,” as they’re all going their own ways after New York, it makes her want to laugh.

Draw/Breath

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov

Natasha like knowing what makes people tick. She likes knowing things, about her teammates and her coworkers and herself. Oddly enough, sometimes other people like knowing her too.

AKA: Natasha wants to know why Steve isn’t drawing anymore, and takes the long way round to get her answer. Because why not.

With Magic We Do Fly

Pairings: Wanda Maximoff & Steve Rogers

In Civil War we see Wanda fling Steve into the air with her magic. They must have practiced that, right?

Que Wanda throwing Steve against a wall. Many times.

Just Like We Practiced

Pairings: Wanda Maximoff & Steve Rogers

Steve had said, in the movie when he asked Wanda to lift him into the building, "Just like we practiced." But just how did they come up with the idea of her lifting people with her powers, and putting them up somewhere like an escalator? Perhaps it was because Wanda accidentally sent a certain tall, blond Avenger face-first into the floor once and he decided he would help her learn to utilize this as a confidence building exercise. Natasha keeps an eye, Thor and Sam help build the training grounds, and Wanda has found her new home. Takes place between AGE OF ULTRON and CIVIL WAR.

Black and White but Red and Blue

They're watching black and white film reels, but Steve sees them in colour.

"My shield may be black and white but it was red and blue. Just like the blue sky under which red blood was spilled. Like Bucky's blue eyes and Peggy's red lips..."

The Road Warriors

Characters: Sam Wilson (Marvel), Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanov (Marvel), Wanda Maximoff

It wasn't pretty, but somehow the four of them managed to make it through two years on the run.

We'll Fix It

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov

Steve has a hard time after his battle with The Winter Soldier and isn't sure what to do with himself. After not seeing him for a week, Natasha finally shows up to his apartment unannounced to figure out how they can get back to work. There is some crying involved.

From Here On Out

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov

The Accords, the search for Bucky, the fight at the airport ... In a world where nothing will ever be the same, sometimes the road to rebuilding trust and friendship is a little rockier than it should be.

AKA, the story of Steve & Natasha and how they got to where they are.

Set post-Civil War but pre-Infinity War.

I have this breath and I hold it tight

Parings: Wanda Maximoff & Steve Rogers, Clint Barton & Wanda Maximoff, Wanda Maximoff & Vision

Steve finally goes to Wanda’s tiny room and taps on the doorframe, although it’s hardly necessary, with the slightly warped floorboards creaking under his feet. “Hey,” he says. “Got a minute?”

Wanda's been a little withdrawn since Steve broke everyone out of the Raft. She's had a lot to think about.

to you.

Pairings: Pietro Maximoff & Wanda Maximoff, Clint Barton & Wanda Maximoff, Wanda Maximoff & Natasha Romanov, Wanda Maximoff & Steve Rogers, Wanda Maximoff & Sam Wilson, Wanda Maximoff & Tony Stark

It's Wanda's birthday today. She's not sure how to feel.

New Love

Pairings: Diana (Wonder Woman) & Steve Rogers

Near the end of World War II, Diana Prince finds herself attempting to reconnect to her long-gone, beloved Steve Trevor. However, she comes across Steve Rogers instead.

Sharing Life (And Canned Green Beans)

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov

It’s Thanksgiving, and Steve is hiding in the second living room on the 8th floor of the penthouse apartments with a can of green beans.

I'm Fine

Steve slowly began to realize that the problem with being a national icon, a hero, and a role model, is that somehow, he became more than human. He become a symbol, not a person. So when he becomes increasingly unhappy, deeply depressed, and utterly adrift in a world where he doesn't belong, the loneliness and isolation are unbearable. How could anyone believe that an iconic hero like himself was really just an ordinary kid from Brooklyn, dying inside because everything he'd gained still wasn't enough to replace everything he'd lost? How could he possibly bring himself to bleed on the ones he loves? So he tells himself the same lie over and over, hoping one day, he'll believe it.

dogpile

"My dog ate my mission report" An injured Steve remembers something he has to do. Unabashed Steve and dogs fluff. "Didn't peg you for a pet guy." "Allergies."

Alone In This World (Together)

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov & Sam Wilson

“We’re fugitives,” Steve said finally. “It might never get better.”

“The world’s always going to need saving," Sam replied. "We’re still Avengers. No one can take that away from us.” Then, like they hadn't been having an entire conversation before, “So when do we leave?”

“Once night falls.”

Do we have any idea where she is?”

“No.” Steve took a sip of his coffee. “But I know where she’ll be.”

it gets the worst at night

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov

Here's how it goes: Natasha sometimes shares a bed with Steve. It's not what it sounds like.

(In which there are Colombian drug lords, awkward boners, cuddly super-soldiers and the Avengers are all giant dorks.)

Shelter

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson

Sam and Steve, right after the fall of SHIELD.

Princely Bickering

Pairings: Jane Foster/Thor, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson, Steve Rogers & Jane Foster, Steve Rogers & Thor

Steve allows Sam to lean up and inspect his head for bruises and blood. He then checks out Steve’s eyes. ‘Do you know where you are?’ Steve rolls his eyes. ‘Don’t be an ass, Cap, apparently you can break.’ ‘London, England, chasing apparently useless Hydra intel despite having about five hundred international arrest warrants out for us because we’re just that stupid,’ says Steve. Sam pats him - gently - on the shoulder. Life on the run isn't easy, especially not after an injury. Fortunately Steve still has a few allies left.

And The Seconds Tick Down

AU of Civil War. How the world ended in twenty steps when Steve died.

"Grant" and "Francis" Go Shopping

Pairings: Clint Barton & Steve Rogers

Steve and Clint both have holiday shopping to do for their family of choice, so they make a day trip to an outlet mall, have a few heart to hearts, use some coupons, buy a bunch of presents, and eventually get through their shopping lists.

A Tune Without Words

Pairings: Jane Foster/Thor, Steve Rogers & Thor, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson

As he and Sam prepare to begin searching for Bucky, Steve gets various offers of help—some more unexpected than others.

Purpose

Tony Stark wins the fight in Siberia completely by accident.

Steve Rogers does not resist his arrest as he is taken to the Raft.

Sam Wilson, T'Challa, and Pepper Potts pick up the pieces.

Full of Wounds and Still Standing on my Feet

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Wanda Maximoff

The five times Steve looked out for Wanda, and one time Wanda decided someone needed to look out for Steve.

Three Awakenings

The first three times that Steve Rogers woke up during his first twenty-four hours in the twenty-first century.

Making Your Own Future

Characters: Steve Rogers, Diana Prince, Steve Trevor Five times -- plus one -- that Diana Prince and Steve Rogers encountered one another.

Better Living Through Pizza

Pairings: Clint Barton & Steve Rogers

Steve takes some time off from soldiering and Avengering to get his head on straight, and Clint is assigned to keep an eye on him, because apparently SHIELD believes in the blind leading the blind. Steve really needs a hobby, since modern television shows baffle him, but Clint keeps bringing him DVDs and pizza.

Five Times Clint Barton Spoke with Steve Rogers about Growing Old and the One Time He Didn't.

Pairings: Clint Barton & Steve Rogers

When Steve Rogers reappeared from the past as an old man, there was a lot of catching up to do. Clint Barton made sure nobody got left behind.

Hammer's Totally Heavy-Handed and Incompetent Revenge

"So, at the end of IM2, Justin Hammer swears revenge on Pepper. He waits until Tony and Rhodey are halfway across the world to launch his attack.

Unfortunately for him, thanks to SHIELD, Iron Man and War Machine aren't the only superheroes in Pepper's rolladex. Steve thinks Pepper's just swell and doesn't take too kindly to somebody trying to hurt her."

Cue badass!Steve and competent!Pepper

Fan Mail

Steve starts getting his fan mail and receives an invitation to the prom. Written for a prompt at the Avengers kink meme. It was a great prompt, and so much fun to write and get feedback for!

Prom. Steve 'Grandpa Iceberg' Rogers at a 21st-century high school prom. "This isn't happening. This whole conversation is just an elaborate practical joke. Bruce really just has orders for widgets or something."

Bruce waved the printouts at him. "Fraid not. I don't really do practical jokes. Messing with other people's moods just seems. I don't know. Karmically unwise."

Mascot

Steve runs. People see Steve run. Steve gets adopted by the neighbourhood he runs through every week day morning. He finds this confusing. Tony finds it amusing.

Locks Not Replaced

Tony angsts back at Avengers' HQ, Ross is a bully and Steve makes sure he doesn't get away with it. In other words, there is much regret, a bit on the philosophy of locks, adventure and far too many Robin Hood metaphors.

woof

For a prompt on the avengers kinkmeme: "...something different happens when Steve gets Dr Erskine's serum plus the Vita ray treatment... Steve does get taller and stronger, but when the first full moon hits, he turns into a big friendly looking dog. Yes, he's a weredog, not a werewolf."

Mission: Baby

Pairings: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers

The Asset finds himself in charge of the care of a small baby, but somehow he knows—he has to protect the baby from all harm, whatever the cost.

14 Tracks

Pairings: Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & Avengers Team 14 tracks from Steve's iPod and how they got on there.

Life Will Rattle Your Bones

Pairings: Erik Lehnsherr & Steve Rogers

Captain America and the Howling Commandos find Schmidt sooner than they thought... wait, what do you mean this is a *different* Schmidt?

In war-torn Germany, the paths of Steve Rogers and Erik Lehnsherr cross, part, and cross again.

come build me up

Pairings: Sharon Carter & Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers

“Do you ever feel like -- like you joined up because you wanted to do good. You wanted to do the right thing but somewhere along the way, you just lost the whole fucking plot.”

“All of the time.”

Or: the one where Captain America and Agent 13 give long distance friendship a whirl.

Down in the Worn Out Place Again

Pairings: Wanda Maximoff & Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers & Wanda Maximoff

“You don't look a day over 85, Captain,” Wanda says.

Natasha smiles, just barely, and nudges Steve with her elbow. “She makes jokes now.”

(Post AoU, stories about friendship.)

Satellites

Characters: Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson (Marvel), Tony Stark, Clint Barton, Nick Fury Pairings: Natasha Romanov & Steve Rogers, Minor Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson, Minor Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov

In the immediate aftermath of SHIELD's collapse and Steve's plunge into the Potomac, Natasha considers her place in the world. Also the fact that Steve is depressing.

Timeless Classics

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Avengers Team Five An undetermined number of times (six, apparently) Steve unexpectedly got the reference (sort of), and one time everyone discovered something new together.

you just wait and see

Pairings: Rocket Raccoon & Steve Rogers

“Thor said you’re the captain.” Rogers says, his voice distant, sad smile growing into a sadder grin. “Tough job.”

The Small Hours

Pairings: Steve Rogers & T'Challa, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers

"I'm not getting him back, am I." The words were flatly delivered – not a question so much as fatigued resignation. "We will do everything we can to help him," T'Challa quietly replied, but he wouldn't lie, not about this. Not to a fellow warrior he respected on and off the field of battle. "The possibility does exist, however, that the triggers are permanent."

The Man We All Remember From the Newsreels

Still getting used to the twenty-first century, Steve comforts himself with memories of long-gone friends. But Howard Stark, the man Steve remembers, is nothing like the man he sees in the newsreels.

we're all choir boys at best

Characters: Steve Rogers, Johnny Storm

You are totally getting laid tonight. "Please stop talking." You hijacked my brain first, this is totally not my fault.

Epistaxis

Steve doesn't worry the first time he gets a bloody nose that won't quit. But when it happens a second, third, fourth... He, and his teammates, start to get concerned.

You Close Your Eyes and the Glory Fades

His body isn’t his own, he knows that, knew before the procedure that everything would change. That was the easiest thing to wrap his head around, actually, the physical changes. He’s used to his body betraying him, so this is just another thing to learn his way around. But the colors of everything, even the sliver of blue sky he could see, craning his head at the tiny window, look different.

Looking For Answers (From The Great Beyond)

After the Battle of New York is over, and Loki and the tesseract are returned to Asgard, Steve takes a road trip across the country, and tries to figure out what he wants to do next.

Mourning the Future

Steve's ties to the past and the future are pretty tenuous, and the serum ensures he lives in an eternal present state of ever-youthful vigour. When an old war buddy gets handed his last marching orders, Steve has to wonder if everyone will eventually leave.

Riviera Life

Sam and Steve have been traversing Europe looking for Bucky. Not everyone is convinced it isn’t an open invitation road trip.

Voluntary Bros.

Characters: Steve Rogers, Johnny Storm

"Dude, you could be twins, they tested you before they defrosted you to see if you were a clone or something, or if he was a clone," Clint said.

"I want to talk to him, I think. I mean, a girl threw her latte at me last week for not calling her back and this dude felt me up at an art gallery yesterday," Steve said.

Two Brooklynites and One Big Apple

Pairings: Miles Morales & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers

“You did good out there today,” Captain America said, brushing a layer of detritus from his unfathomably broad shoulder. “I’ll see you around.”

“Not if I see you first,” replied Miles, fingergunning with one hand as he sent a web rope fwipping off into the distance with the other, catapulting himself away at tremendous speed.

... in which two superheroes battle with bad guys, embark on community art lessons, and a friendship forms along the way.

Battle Fatigue

Steve thought he was doing okay. Things weren't going great, but they were fine, manageable even, and then suddenly they weren't.

We Become New Yorkers (or: Five Times Steve Rogers Looked For Home, and One Time Home Found Him)

New York is a million cities at the same time. This is how Steve found his.

A beautiful day in the neighborhood

In which Steve and Peter learn that the best way to get through a bad situation is together. And to avoid collapsing buildings. And that concussions are terrible, terrible things.

Leviticus 25

"You want to save Bucky Barnes? You are going to have to put your own house in order first because he is going to need a rock to cling to. You are not ready to be that rock for him. You owe it to him -- and more importantly, you owe it to yourself -- to figure things out, figure out how you can be happy in this time and place, whether or not Barnes is with you."

Strike

Sometimes the road to recovery involves bowling. Conveniently, so does the one to the Grand Canyon.

Conversation in Wakanda

“I have been told that you had the privilege to share a training session with some of our Dora Milaje,” T’Challa says. “May I ask how it went?”

“Well,” the Captain huffs. “There’s no polite way to say it: I had my ass handed to me. Repeatedly.”

He sounds and looks utterly delighted.

Contact Light

Everyone thought computers would be the thing that really blew Steve's mind about the 21st century. They were wrong. When he finds out that he missed the moon landing, it's the start of an ongoing obsession with space that maybe involves Neil deGrasse Tyson, Twitter, and Star Trek marathons.

Twenty-Two

“This is Lucky,” Clint said when a dog got between him and Natasha. Lucky’s vest was bright, like desert mornings and night explosions.

“Does he help?” Natasha asked.

Clint pressed his hands flat on the counter behind him. “He saved my life.”

Natasha looked at Steve, her expression fierce. Steve resisted the urge to yank down his sleeves. Instead, he dug his nails into the puckered skin on his forearms.

AKA An AU in which Steve is a veteran just trying to survive (or not).

Gray

Peter doesn't expect Steve to show up at his house one night when he gets home from school. He also doesn't expect to have a long conversation with him, and choose to be on his side instead.

We're Happy, Free, Confused, and Lonely at the Same Time.

"Tony isn't sure, but he *thinks* Steve Rogers is going to try and argue with him about not being a kid, while wrapped up in a fluffy blanket and plaid pyjama pants watching a Disney movie. Tony really hopes that is the case. The Captain America voice looses all affect when wrapped up in that blanket and Tony can't wait to inform him as such." - The one where Tony realises that Captain America and Steve Rogers are not the same person, and Steve is so much younger then he thought.

This Isn't A Love Song, This Isn't A Fable

Steve's not OK with people's perception of Captain America, no matter what he says or how much he pretends otherwise. It's like no one in this time period realizes that there's more to him than a spangly outfit. And yes, he's including the Avengers in that. ... or, the one where everything's all right, until it's not.

it's safe here in our new world

Post TWS. In which Natasha and Steve go shopping, have Thursday night movie nights, and learn that Natasha loves to platonically kiss Steve. Which is good, because Steve loves being platonically kissed by Natasha.

Shadowboxing

Pairings: Matt Murdock & Steve Rogers

It doesn’t matter how many times you fall – what matters most is how many times you get back up. Steve Rogers knew this lesson far too well and it was one Matt Murdock had endured all his life. With both men at their lowest, could a chance friendship bring each of them to their feet again?

Everybody Eats When They Come to My House

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers

“You’ll ruin your dinner,” Sam says, gesturing with Steve with his spatula.

i fear for the calendar; its days are numbered

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson

Before she goes off the grid, Natasha gives Steve her phone number. He’s honored that he’s the only one to be trusted with it, but quickly learns that she spends most of her free time texting him Dad jokes.

Status Quo Ante

Pairings: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers

A tale in which Sam suspects he should be used to this by now, for values of 'this' that involve certain folks he hangs out with and situations he finds himself in, Team Cap becomes Team Ex-Cap becomes TBD, and nobody but Clint really wants to know what happened to Scott Lang's GI Joes. (Sam Wilson from the final scene to the mid-credits scene.)

The Glass Parade

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov, Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov

Steve thinks that he’s seen Natasha be at least three different people in the short time he’s known her, and he isn’t sure which one is real.

In which the most confusing part of the future is how much Steve has in common with Natasha, and the fact that she seems dead-set on being his friend.

Still Life

Steve Rogers and a very modern form of art therapy. (The one where Steve draws himself out of despair and into some notoriety when his cartoons hit the internet, but he's still not allowed to look at Tumblr without an okay from Pepper.)

Selective Service

The serum's given Steve a lot, but it hasn't taken anything away from him. Not even the things he never wanted in the first place.

I'm a Hustler, Baby

Steve Rogers has a talent for pool--and for making others believe he's terrible at it.

The Healing Properties of Felt-Tip Pens

Rapid healing has worked wonders on Steve Rogers' body, but occasionally it really screws with his head. In the aftermath of torture, Bruce Banner helps Steve to reconcile mind and body.

If I Die Before I Wake

It's his job, as their leader, to endure the sadistic focus of their captor, and that is the one thought that carries Steve through.

Even Gods Do

Captain America doesn't have a good relationship with sleep anymore. Also, he's not a toy.

Under My Skin

Written for a prompt on avengerkink: I want to see something where, for whatever reason, Steve's accelerated healing turns out to be a bad thing. Something where the faster healing is making things worse. I would prefer something other than the standard, super-healing allows for more torture without death. “He's lucky – to have the serum, to have you all.” Tony wasn't sure about that first part. When one faced death and destruction every day on the job, there were many advantages to having a healing factor...and a great many disadvantages as well.

A Glossary of the 21st Century

Pairings: pre-Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov

Steve's sick of not understanding what's going on, and the team are not all that helpful, so he starts keeping an illustrated notebook for further research. With the help of wiki, google and Logan he starts to settle in and find his place in the twenty-first century.

Blanket Gift Policy

“You didn’t,” Bucky said, with no real hope of being contradicted. Clint shrugged helplessly and passed him the large, soft bundle wrapped in shiny purple foil.

“Sorry.” Tony covered his eyes with one hand.

“I’m getting a migraine.”

“So,” Bruce said wearily, “counting Clint, me, Bucky, Tony, and Sam, that brings it up to five.”

“Excuse you, mine’s not a blanket,” Sam said. “Mine’s a slanket. Big difference.”

Bucky resisted the urge to throw the whole heap of parcels at Sam’s head. “Because it has sleeves? It’s still a blanket, Wilson. They’re all blankets. Even Thor’s direct-from-Asgard raven gift delivery was a cloak, which just means it’s a blanket with a strap. We all got Steve a goddamn blanket.”

One Tin Soldier

Written for a prompt at avengerkink: Because really, under any other circumstances, why would they follow him when he's some guy who's younger than the rest of them (time as a Capsicle aside), who goes around wearing that spangly outfit, who's not even used to the modern world? Why Steve Rogers, rather than a Norse god or the CEO of Stark Industries or anyone else?

“Love is for children,” she'd said, but respect knew no such bounds. The five times the Avengers accepted Steve as their leader, and the one time they followed without question.

and if there's life we'll see it

Steve is instantly taken with this idea of having the picture of the person calling you flash on your screen when they ring your cell.

Secure Your Own Oxygen Mask (Before Assisting Others)

Steve keeps going, because they need him. Being Captain America - having the serum - is a responsibility and a privilege he takes seriously, and he won't waste it by sitting around resting in the middle of a crisis. But then the work is over, and the original victims of the crisis aren't the only ones needing looking after.

Way of the Eagle

Clint introduces Steve to kung-fu movies. Things escalate quickly.

Walking Wounded

In the aftermath of the battle against the Chitauri, Steve's doing just fine. Until he's not. Fortunately, Thor is a perfect mother-hen, Tony makes decent back-up, JARVIS is a genius, and Soap Operas are life-changing. (Or, Post-Shawarma Feels.)

#steve rogers #fic rec #pro steve rogers #i guess i'll tag the ships #samsteve #thundershield

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saskaykun · 4 years ago

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Taka’s members’ bond with Sasuke. (For Taka team’s stans, this one’s for you.)

I don't think there's any point in introducing the Taka team again.

But as today's point is to prove the link as a point of complementarity with Sasuke. I'm going to take a look at the personal lives of each of them.

Ps: sorry for the typos, english is not my mother tongue.

SUIGETSU:

We are going to start with Suigetsu, like Sasuke, Suigetsu had a big brother, pretty strong and skilled because Mangetsu was the only one of the 7 swordsmen of the mist to master the 7 swords of Kiri. Suigetsu's dream was to become as strong as his big brother to enter the 7 swordsmen assassins club, whom he admired a lot, but Mangetsu died rather prematurely while protecting his little brother Suigetsu. Suigetsu trained hard to barely match half of his big brother's sword skills. He also comes from a known clan from the village of Kiri, the clan Hozūki, and owns a Kekkei Genkai, which allows him to liquefy his body from flesh to water. Pretty handy for a swordsman, isn't it? No blade can pierce his body. That's also why Orochimaru was interested in him and kept him prisoner in his laboratories for so many years. Doesn't that remind you of Sasuke? The story of the big brother to be surpassed in abilities, even though he was so admired by the little one? Sasuke had to kill Itachi because he had to avenge his clan, Suigetsu had to become much better than Mangetsu because he promised him before Mangetsu died, that he would take back the title of "Kijin no Sairai" - "the second coming of the demon" (as far as my translation is concerned), so he got it into his head to collect all the swords from Kiri village, in order to take back his brother's inheritance. It's rather cute when you think about it. Suigetsu, in spite of appearances, is not a deeply evil person even if he spent most of his life training to become an assassin. Of all the times he made fun of Karin for her feelings towards Sasuke and Karin hit him, he never twisted back once. Suigetsu doesn't have a family anymore, like Sasuke, he's the last survivor of his clan. Moreover, I wanted to add that Suigetsu, sometimes appears like a coward but is actually very competent, and he is certainly a better swordsman than Sasuke. At the same age, (at 16 years old) Suigetsu had already done 2 - D rank missions, 33 - C rank missions - 40 - B rank missions, 13 - A rank missions and finally 4 - S rank missions originally reserved for jônin, can he be considered as such?

KARIN:

What do we know about Karin?

At first, not much is said, except that she is a very competent sensory ninja, that Sasuke, with Suigetsu came personally to look for. He chose her, among many other competent ninjas. He acknowledged her as the best in her field. That's a canon fact.

Another true thing, Sasuke, who came personally to pick her up, confessed that he needed her to reach his goal.

"I need you, Karin", really happened.

He wasn't forced to do it, on the contrary, Suigetsu, who wasn't a big fan of Karin, spent his time dissuading Sasuke from going to pick her up and take her on the team, but Sasuke insisted.

They saved each other's lives several times. Karin healed him with her "Heal Bite" and he during their fight against Killer Bee, awakened a new power from his Mangekyō Sharingan: Kagutsuchi. He was able to extinguish the flames of the Amaterasu that had touched Karin. His face, scared of losing his teammate, proves how much Sasuke cares about his Taka teammates but especially about Karin. After I will not go on betting that he cares about her, romantically or just friendly because that's not the point and nothing in the manga proves that he did it romantically or kindly, I just want to emphasize this point: he was willing to die, and put Juugo's and Suigetsu's lives in danger in order to save Karin.

We learn a little more about Karin, during the Edotensei scene with Itachi and Sasuke against Kabuto. Kabuto then talks about Taka team members and reveals to Sasuke that Karin is indeed part of the Uzumaki clan, like Naruto, and that's why she has a huge chakra cluster. She regenerates quickly her own wounds but she can help others to regenerate and heal themselves by sharing her chakra, by biting her because it's the fastest way: in fact, the injured person drinks Karin's chakra and regenerates herself/himself in a few moments.

Besides the fact that Karin was used by Sasuke to locate Itachi through her powerful chakra and to warn him of his possible enemies, and of course to heal him in case he would be seriously wounded, she is not an exceptional ninja in combat, she must even very often be saved either by Sasuke or by Suigetsu. Sasuke knew that very well. He was never shocked that Karin might be a weight for them in their adventures. He chose her by himself, nobody forced Karin to be there and decided to protect her.

The scene where Sasuke "sacrifices" Karin to kill Danzō is totally a scene to be taken with extenuating circumstances. Sasuke finally being in front of the person who ruined his life, who ordered the massacre of the Uchiha clan, he couldn't do otherwise, he was forced by all means to kill him. Karin being in his field of action because she wanted to help him, was also pierced by Sasuke's chidori blade. Don't forget though, that he didn't really sacrifice her because she didn't die, since he didn't aim at Karin's vital points.

I still want to thank Sakura for helping Karin with her medical ninjutsu, she is still part of Karin's healing process, without Sakura's intervention, she might have had a hard time healing this time.

I also wanted to point out, on the scene following Karin's famous "sacrifice":

Karin thus finds herself on the ground, dying slowly, Obito then proposes to Sasuke to finish her off, properly because she knows too much about their plan. Sasuke doesn't even take the time to answer him. During this scene, Sasuke takes an exceptional time to load his chidori, giving Team 7 time to arrive on the scene, another proof that deep down he really didn't want to kill her. It is finally on Sakura that Sasuke decides to use his chidori, and not on Karin. Karin then dissuades him... but Sakura is really not far from being killed this time by Sasuke.

This scene is powerful, but it shows the total disinterest of Team 7 in the eyes of Sasuke, at least the disinterest he has in Sakura's life. Sakura being a burden, and considering her as the enemy, had to be eliminated as soon as possible. He was also never afraid to confront Kakashi. The only one for which he has doubts, a certain apprehension that he tries indirectly to hide, remains definitely for Naruto, but again, he does not hesitate to threaten him if Naruto still chases after him.

To finish with Karin, she is part of the Uzumaki clan, one of the oldest clans in the Shinobi world, and derived from the Senju clan, there are not many members of the clan left, at least to our knowledge except Karin, Naruto and Nagato. At the end of the war, only Karin and Naruto remain. She shares this fact with Sasuke. She also had lost her entire family during the previous war, her mother was used for medical purposes, literally having her chakra sucked until her death. She became an orphan at a very young age, left to live on her own, abused by others until she met Orochimaru. She has no one left.When she meets Sasuke, she falls in love with him for his beauty, he is pretty handsome, but as a sensory ninja, she found that he has a beautiful and attractive chakra, she realized right away that Sasuke is not as bad as he pretends to be. She took a close interest in him, and I think the interest was mutual.

JŪGO:

Jūgo, is certainly the only member where we are poorly with information about him.

Jūgo is a deeply kind and loving boy but is possessed by a heavy weight that overwhelms him: the cursed seal. He is the first holder of the cursed seal, it is with his DNA that Orochimaru started his experiments. The poor man, being unable to control his murderous impulses, preferred to die rather than to leave his cell when Sasuke, Suigetsu and Karin came to get him. Sasuke promised to hold him, Jūgo, usually not confident, agrees to come with them because Kimimaro had acknowledged Sasuke. Jūgo, in addition to his incredible physical strength when possessed by the cursed seal, is able to communicate with the birds. Sasuke uses Jūgo through this ability so that his birds can locate the Akatsukis' hideout and that he can create a map from the information transmitted by these birds. Also, Jūgo is an orphan, and since Kimimaro died, he was literally alone in the world. He has no known family, and his affiliation to a particular clan is unknown. Another peculiarity that Sasuke shares with his teammates.

I consider Jūgo as Sasuke/Suigetsu/Karin’s big brother. He took care of them. There also is a scene where he puts Sasuke in his futon after having treated him and bandaged him, because Sasuke had fallen asleep sitting, from exhaustion.

This boy is soooooo cute and gentle. His bipolar side contrasts enormously. His murderous personality with his soft and wise side.

Well, Sasuke's plan was perfect and well thought out.

To answer the question I was asked, "What do they do as Team Taka, besides help Sasuke enter into darkness?"

I, for one, don't hold Team Taka members responsible for Sasuke's entry into the darkness. Far from it. Sasuke was motivated by his hatred for killing Itachi, and after the final battle with his brother, motivated by revenge for those who led to his downfall. Don't get me wrong, I always feel that when it comes to Sasuke, the people who interact with him are responsible for his actions. No, Sasuke most certainly suffers from PTSD, living in unresolved grief since the death of his family, in hatred and constant pain, doesn't need anyone to think for him. He's an intelligent boy, he knows his purpose, he knows he would sacrifice himself to restore honor to those he has lost. His goal was just that. I sincerely think that deep down Sasuke wanted to change the Shinobi world, build new foundations, and achieve peace, so that what he experienced would never happen again, but it was a kind of pipe dream because he really thought he would die in his next confrontation with Naruto. He expected no less.

It really pisses me off that people think that Sasuke is acting according to the actions of others. I don't remember hearing Suigetsu, Karin or Jugo suggest a plan of action to kill someone or do something. He was the leader of this team. The others were acting on his behalf and not the other way around. He was the one who came to find them, he was the one who surrounded himself with these shinobis to help him achieve his goal. You let yourself be influenced by Naruto “talk no jutsu” in Gaiden who dares to tell the Taka team to mind their own business when he himself spent years to mind Sasuke's business, without even understanding the reason for his actions.

Gaiden makes the Taka team look like the villains who helped Sasuke carry out the actions of his hatred, but look closer, they did nothing so exceptional except help him find Itachi and obey Akatsuki's orders to attack Killer B.

It even seems to me that the Taka team were, in the end, the only ones who listened sincerely to Sasuke, to meet his expectations, to try to understand him.

A non-canon fact unfortunately, in a novel about Sasuke, after Itachi's death, Sasuke makes a kind of pilgrimage to learn more about his brother, during his Akatsuki period, and then meets two brothers, who were preparing drops for Itachi's eyes, and they make him think about him and Itachi when they were kids. ... I'm going to skip over the real story of this novel, although it's very well written for a non-canon novel, and we find Sasuke on his scene, by the sea, where he desperately lets go of all his pain in a torrent of tears, and decides to rename Hebi team into Taka team.

Karin, Suigetsu and Jugo were present during one of the worst moments of Sasuke's life: Itachi's death and thus the mourning of his older brother.

In spite of Itachi's terrible actions and choices to raise Sasuke's power, Sasuke still considers him as his beloved older brother who sacrificed himself for a village that never gave them the chance to live, properly...

Again, as I already said in another post, I truly think that all the people close to Sasuke tried to control his choices and his life, without asking his opinion.

Itachi made it clear that he tried to trace Sasuke's life from his childhood to what he became and finally disappointed to have failed... but what the hell did he expect?

Naruto, who absolutely wants Sasuke to go back to Konoha, but why? He knew very well that the people in Konoha would bully him for his actions, when he was already bullied enough to be an Uchiha in Konoha. So Naruto claims to know what's best for Sasuke. What?!

Sakura... is Sakura.

Kakashi and Jiraya tried to dissuade Sakura and Naruto from desperately pursuing a guy who clearly wanted to get the hell out of this village: Sasuke is not worth it.

Decidedly, Sasuke doesn't get much grace from people. Between those who think he's a sulky, who always makes moods because he has some problems in his life and those who judge him without knowing a second of his existence and his journey, he's really badly surrounded.

The Taka team is the only one that hasn't gone into the details and is following Sasuke, even before he decides to explain to them the reasons for this gathering.

I like their complicity. I like their dynamics. They help each other.

Team Taka is the one that Sasuke chose on his own, Team 7 is the one that was imposed on him. Don't forget that.

At least, I didn’t even use your post, but thank you again @justsasuke ! It was kind of you :)

Ps: I found this pic very cute. They are all awesome.

#team taka meta #karin #suigetsu #juugo #sasuke #taka #team taka

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natalia-alianovna-romanova101 · 4 years ago

Text

Daisies

So I wrote fanfic. It’s on Wattpad too called the same thing. I’m sorry if this sucks this is my first real story. It’s mostly Stucky but there is xfemreader at the end of it. Based slightly on a fanfic I read about Peter Parker but definitely not the same. Hope you like it idk if I will write an epilogue but lemme know if you want to see one.

Warnings: my shit writing and swear words its sad (i think idk i almost cried but i’m emotional so maybe it wont be for you)

"Hi I'm James but everyone calls me Bucky what's Your name," The young brunette said holding his hand out to help the small blonde boy stand up

"my names Steve, people just call me Steve,"

Bucky starts to brush the leaves off Steve's shirt.

"Well you looked lonely so I we can be friends now," Bucky said smiling grabbing Steves small hand to drag him to the swings

Bucky walked down the sidewalk of New York. Next week it will have been a year. It was early in the morning just a few minutes before the flower shop opened. He had done this a million times since he had died. Every morning at 7 am he would stop at Starbucks for a black coffee then walk a few blocks to the small flower shop on the corner, buy 1 daisy then walk to the cemetery. He didn't understand why he did this. Steve had left him. But he couldn't let go.

"C'mon Stevie we are teenagers we gotta have a little fun,"

"getting fake IDs to vote is fun,"

"thats illegal,"

"so,"

"so we could get arrested and then never vote. What if we went to Coney Island instead,"

"no,"

"yes. we are going let’s go,"

7:30. That's when the flower shop opened. Every day. He was there at 7:30 everyday.

The girl who had run the shop was never late. She had become accustomed to keeping fresh daisies underneath her desk for the man who came every morning. They had become close, not yet friends but getting there. She knew about Steve but not enough. She knew who Bucky was what he was made to be, and always accepted him.

Steve was bleeding again. He was always bloody. But Bucky didn't care. He had developed feelings for his best friend. Feelings he didn't understand.

"Steve you have to stop getting in fights what if I don't get there in time next time and you get seriously hurt."

"c'mon buck I'll be fine you know that. Why do you worry so much,"

"because I care about you,"

"I know that but you still care a lot. Even my mother has stopped worrying about me,"

"don't worry about it,"

"Why do you care so much Buck c'mon tell me,"

"Because I'm fucking in love with you Steve and if you died I don't know what I would do with myself ok. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

Steve stopped walking staring up at Bucky.

"stop looking at me like that I know it's wrong and stupid but I can't help it."

"Bucky... I love you too but we both know this can't happen."

"no one has to know it could just be you and me punk, no labels,"

"Bucky..."

Bucky kissed him. He didn't know where it came from but it felt right. And Steve didn't pull away which is always a plus. Pushing him against the wall his body was on fire. He knew they couldn't ever be together really but maybe just maybe they could be more than friends. He broke the kiss, looking at Steve breathless.

"See no one has to know,"

Steve nodded leaning back in

Bucky walked into the flower shop right on time

"Good morning James how are you today," the soft voice of the store owner said as soon as he walked in.

"I had another panic attack yesterday," He said looking down ashamed. He hated his anxiety but he learned fast that she would see right through any of his lies.

"Oh James it's all right." She walked around the counter to hug him. She was much shorter than him so she had to stand on her toes to get her arms around his shoulders.

He didn't understand why he trusted her so much. Something about her presence was comforting. He only ever let Steve hug him and only his therapist (and Sam because of his therapist) knew about his anxiety problems and PTSD. But he found her comforting.

"Next time call me ok. I used to get these all the time. It's alright there's nothing to be ashamed about."

She took his hands into her taking off the gloves he knew she hated so much. He normally took them off before he walked in but today he couldn't he was too ashamed. He knew she didn't hate his metal arm, but he didn't know just how much she loved it.

“What’s your favorite flower?” the question had come out of nowhere. They had been sitting on couch cushions that had been moved to the floor listening to the radio

“What,” Steve asked

“Well everyone assumes that only girls like flowers but I like flowers too, my favorite are sunflowers. What about you”

“Daisies. They are elegant,”

“Elegant really where did you even learn that word,” Bucky laughed

“My mother, now stop bullying me you asked,”

“Oh Stevie I thought it was gonna be roses or something not daisies. They are so boring,”

“No they aren’t,”

“Ya they are,”

“No they aren’t,” Steve picked up a pillow and hit Bucky with it. Bucky looked at him shocked before getting his own pillow to hit Steve with.

"Now the usual I presume," she asked calmly

He could only nod in response. She walked behind the counter picking a daisy and placing the gloves next to the vase. After handing it to him, she continued to walk around the store. Confused, Bucky followed her. She stopped in front of a display of orangy pink roses.

"These are english roses, also known as the Grace Flower. They are my favorite," She said picking one out

"They are pretty," he said inspecting the flower. Not as pretty as her though

Bucky couldn't think like that

He just lost Steve a year ago

he left you the voice in his head said

He hated the voice in his head.

Bucky stood in front of the memorials. The funeral had just finished but he couldn’t leave just yet.

“Hey,” Sam said softly trying not to disturb the silence

“I know this is hard for you Bucky,”

“You don’t know anything,” Bucky snapped back. Sam would never understand what it felt like, he never lost someone like this

“He was my friend too you know, you aren’t the only one who lost someone Bucky,”

Bucky looked over at Sam. His eyes red from crying darkened

“I loved him and he chose her,”

Sam’s face fell. He didn’t know about them. What they had before the war. Only the stories that they told.

Bucky turned around and walked away

"I am going to come with you today James. Figured it's time I met Steve. Now c'mon," She started walking to the door.

He walked over to the counter to get his gloves. He knew it was stupid but he couldn't leave without his gloves.

"James leave them. It's time to let those go,"

"But it's embarrassing," he argued. He didn't want her to be seen with a freak like him.

"No it isn't now c'mon it's I can't keep the shop closed all day," he sighed and walked over to the door.

It was almost 2am but Bucky wasn't tired, he didn't think he would ever have to sleep again. Running hand in hand with Steve around Brooklyn was a dream come true.

It was raining and he knew Steve could get sick but it was summer so it couldn't be that cold. Besides not anything that hasn't happened before.

Steve was a terrible dancer but he didn't care. Spinning and dancing in the rain hand in hand he was having the time of his life. He kissed Steve, holding his face with his hands, continuing to spin around.

"Buck my parents are gonna be worried when I don't wake up early tomorrow."

"Who cares,"

"My parents,"

"oh c'mon Stevie you can't tell me you haven't been having fun. Just one more hour please," he bit his lip knowing Steve wouldn't be able to resist.

"Fine,"

After kissing Steve again, Bucky laughed and dragged Steve with him further. The night was beautiful and he wished it would never end.

She had held his hand the whole way ignoring the stares. His metal hand. The one he hated. But she walked the whole 15 minutes from the flower shop to the cemetery hand in hand with him talking about the buildings. Bucky didn't know how he was feeling.

They made it to the cemetery. Passing the Captain America Memorials, Bucky walked all the way to the back of a small gravestone in the corner.

Steve Rogers grave. Not Captain Americas. The one that Bucky had done himself. He had bought a small tombstone and buried Steves ashes there to honor Steve. Not captain america. The 90 pound asthmatic that he fell in love with.

battle of wakanda infinity war

About 15 minutes in Bucky found Steve in the woods fighting off the creatures.

He helped him fight off the rest in the area then turned to Steve and pulled him into a kiss.

"for good luck," Bucky said before running back out to the battlefield to help the racoon with the gun

'weird' he thought

She let go of his hand as he walked closer to the grave to give him some space.

This happened for the next week. He started really talking to the flower shop owner, got her number. She had to help him work the phone though. They talked all the time now. Bucky could finally feel himself moving on.

On the one year anniversary of Steve's death Bucky went alone. He brought the daisy to the grave and knelt down.

"Steve I don't know what would have happened if we hadn't "died" in the army ending up 70 years in the future. Maybe we would have made it to the end of the line like you always said. But clearly it wasn't meant to be. I think I am ready to let you go now. I met a girl. You would love her. You clearly loved Peggy more than me. But that's ok I hope you had a great life. Your grandchildren always love to talk about you. I will never regret the days I spent with you completely in love. But I had lost you a long time ago. Thank you."

He was ready. He left the cemetery walking to the closest flower shop (not the one he usually went to) picking up a bouquet of English roses. He walked to your small flower shop on the corner of the block where it had always been. As soon as the other customer left he walked in, hiding the roses behind his back.

"James long time no see," She laughed at herself. She was adorable.

"Please y/n call me Bucky," He walked over pulling the roses from behind his back.

Her face lit up "Those are my favorite thank you. What's the occasion?"

"Will you go out with me," he looked at her hopefully

"of course I will," She hugged him

And for the first time on years, Bucky finally felt truly happy

#bucky #stucky #xfemreader #idk it was an idea so i wrote it #its sad

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drunklander · 5 years ago

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Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 502

Watched this episode after winning Wynonna Earp trivia (fuck yeah, The Shit Tickets!) at a bar, put on by a queer af podcast, followed by going to see a queer af movie, and was all ready to get my Beauchamp fix... And it was like oh here’s a taste and a hint that we’re gonna end up in a story line similar to what we’ve already done multiple times, but now on to the menfolk.

For real though, this episode was like an OL greatest hits clip show. It had all the stuff we’ve seen before. A time traveler who wants to go home? Check. Rape PTSD? Check. A man being a dad to a kid who isn’t/might not be his? Check. That same man being the absolute worst? Check. Claire being reckless with future medicine? Check. Townsfolk questioning Claire’s medical knowledge in favor of the local Man of Importance? Check. Jamie trying to be on both sides at once? Check. A villain who seemed to have died the previous season and should have fucking stayed dead? Check.

We’ve literally seen all of this stuff before.

For a show that spent the first part of season two claiming to be a political drama and then last season claiming that they “weren’t political” I see we’re back to just leaning hard into politics that have direct parallels today.

No fucks left to give about the system Murtz is kind of my favorite Murtz. Like this dude spent his whole life living by a code and an oath and was fucked over by the system so many fucking times that he’s ready to just burn it all down. Curious to see how they walk the domestic terrorist vs. freedom fighter line with him for the rest of the season.

Got all excited about the bread title card because yay medicinal mold, but of course, the lead character was relegated to the B story.

Old timey medicine baffles me. Like the fact that bleeding someone was like a catchall remedy boggles the mind.

I feel rull bad for Mrs. Whoeverthefuck though. She tried.

Also, shit like this makes me be like, yo Claire, you sure you wanna stay here? Jamie’s really not all that and a bag of chips. But you do you, boo.

Speaking of Jamie, his hair looks really good. A thousand fruit baskets to the new wig person.

Lulz at Knox thinking the Gathering was about being loyal to king and country. Dummy.

Srsly though, Murtz Valmurtz is really getting under their skin. Is he like the *only* Regulator leader?

The convo between Knox and Jamie is literally as relevant today as it is in the 1770s. But yeah, the show IsN’t PoLiTiCaL.

The fact that fuckers think those at the bottom should be happy with their lot because “lol it could be worse” need to be punched in the face and taken out of power. Stat.

Also any time someone in power talks about civility as a reason not to rise up against injustice, I want to punch them. Because they deserve it.

I want to punch a lot of things.

This whole episode is very Les Mis, tbh.

Literalol at Claire covering dead guy’s face and not his body cavity before Bree comes in.

Aw Bree, why you gotta be a buzzkill? We were cheated of badass Doctor!Claire in S3. Let us have this.

Also, yeah, Claire, Bree’s fucking right. Which you’d think you’d know by now what with alL THE FUCKING TIMES YOU’VE BEEN CALLED A WITCH. AND NOW YOU’RE UPPING YOUR GAME TO LIKE NECROMANCY?!

Also the more she says no one will find out the more annoying it is because *clearly* someone *is* gonna find out and we’re gonna be back on the “she’s a witch!” “I’m not a witch!” “you literally have a dead guy in your closet!” merry-go-round again.

Today in most on-the-nose shots ever: How convenient that Marsali just happens to be doing some butchering right there, right then.

Petition for the show to go full Shondaland and just turn into a backwoods medical drama with Claire and Marsali, and all the others (cough the men cough) can fuck on off.

Tarring and feathering is like the old timey version of #AlwaysPunchAFascist but dialed to 11.

Oh the baggage behind Jamie saying redcoat man will someday wear his scars with honor that none of these fuckers know about...

Ok so clearly the English know that Claire’s a doctor so whenever shit hits the witchy dead dude fan, can we please have a quick resolution and not that dumb af “Claire goes to jail and of course her cellmate is a lesbian because Diana sucks at writing queer characters” nonsense?

Man Jamie is *not* subtle with this convo at the jail. Like Knox is right there and he’s just like hey buddies, I have people and we’re Scottish and y’know how we feel about protecting people vs. obeying the English.

I AM SPARTACUS FITZGIBBONS!

Aaand, naturally, the fuckwit preaching civility is the one to kill a man in cold blood. Rise up, motherfuckers. Rise up.

THANK FUCK ROGER IS A TERRIBLE SHOT BECAUSE IF THAT SQUIRREL DIED I WOULD LEGIT QUIT THE SHOW. RUN AWAY AND BE FREEEEEE YOU PRECIOUS LIL WILDERNESS FLOOFER!

Roger is, and I cannot stress this enough, the fucking worst.

He’s like look how shitty I am at being a soldier but then bitches about having to try to learn. And then he bitches about how dumb it is to shoot at squirrels as if being able to hit a squirrel wouldn’t make hitting a much larger thing, like a man who is shooting back at you, that much easier. And also, how the fuck does he think they get meat to eat? Shooting it, you twatwaffle.

And he’s like so fucking butthurt about being left behind. Like no shit, asshat. You’re bad at being in the past and have made no real effort and you whine a lot and are generally the worst. Of *course* you were left behind. Stop being emo about it and maybe actually try.

“He doesn’t respect me, Bree.” Yeah, no shit. Because you’ve done LITERALLY NOTHING to earn his respect. WHY ARE YOU SO TERRIBLE IT’S LIKE THEY’RE INTENTIONALLY TRYING TO MAKE HIM SUCK.

He also is like butthurt that his wife is a better shot than him when she gets the turkey he misses. How the fuck are we supposed to ship this. Ugh.

#BreeDeservesBetter

Oh Bree, sweetie, Jem won’t get hit by a car, but there are like eleventy million ways to die in the past. Just stick with the “you want to stay with your family” stuff.

Roger clearly doesn’t want to stay and is gonna pull a Fred and make Bree feel bad about wanting to all season, isn’t he. Fahkin’ doucherocket.

“I want to go but I’ll stay for you and look how magnanimous I am as I whine about it and make no effort to acclimate to the time.” Take your martyr card and shove it, Rog.

Shorter Jamie Fraser: “If you stand for nothing, Knox, what’ll you fall for?”

I’m already over Roger singing all the time tbh. Mostly because it reminds me that soon he won’t be able to do that anymore and we’re gonna be subjected to like half a season of him being more insufferable than he already is.

Wait, was Joan already born last episode? Or was there another time jump? Is Marsali preggers with baby #3? I lost track.

I love this scene between Claire and Marsali with my whole heart. Marsali especially.

CAN WE PLEASE JUST HAVE A WHOLE SHOW OF THESE TWO BEING ALL BADASS AND DOCTORY TOGETHER!?

Although, quick question, how fucking long is Claire planning to keep that un-embalmed body lying around in an un-refrigerated surgery/root cellar? Just curious...

Because you know someone’s gonna find it eventually and that’s gonna be a whole to do and I really need to stop being preemptively annoyed at plot lines that haven’t actually happened yet.

And with all this talk of plowshares and swords, I really am going to be singing Les Mis for days...

How long have these biddies been living on the Ridge? The fucking Leoch folks spent like a minute with Claire before they were like yep, she knows what’s up. These folks have apparently been here for months and are like loool, pass. They live in the fucking woods. You’d think they’d be more open to Claire’s brand of medicine.

Omg are they like the accidental antivaxxers of the Ridge?

#VaccinateYourFuckingKids

I mean, Bree, I think there’s some difference between Claire pretending to be a dude doc and telling folks to wash their hands and Otter Tooth.

Season 2 Claire and Otter Tooth on the other hand...

Ok so Jamie needs more men so that means next week is AHS: Beardsley Farm and then maybe (hopefully) instead of being like lol jk you can all go home, it actually goes right into the battle thing. Still not sure if they’re gonna do Roger getting hanged as the mid-season big thingy and then do the Bonnet nonsense in the back half or keep trying to do both of those at once.

Hey, Roger, pro-tip, next time you see Morag MacKenzie, maybe don’t fuCKING MAKE OUT WITH HER YOU FUCKING DUMBASS.

Claire’s totally right about how they should go back. Honestly, they should. But instead of talking with her like Claire is now with Roger, he’s just being all moody about how he’s bad at the past and wants to go back. You’re shooting yourself in the foot, broski.

Oh hey Husband the Quaker. And is that a fellow Quaker named Hunter with him? Are we gonna get Denny and Rachel this season?! Please and thank you that’d be great, I love them.

Murtz talking to his squad is full on Enjolras being like don’t worry fam, Marius will stand and fight with us. His place is there, he’ll fight with you.

The two very different but very similar ways Murtz and Jamie approach being Laird of their squads is fun to explore.

Bree lecturing Claire about changing the future by saving a few backwater hicks like Claire didn’t spend years trying to fucking change all of Scottish history is a bit rich. Like writers, we get it, you’re trying to be like oh snap, wait for the consequences of this bread!science! But like come the fuck on. We sat through all of season two.

“You’re a good dad, you know that?” Oh man, I’m getting that déjà vu about a shitty man getting kudos for being a good dad to a kid as if that negates all of his shittiness.

Oh hey, Bonnet’s back. Clearly we couldn’t have just let him die last season. Gotta drag shit on for longer than it has to. This is the [Outlander] Way.

If they were gonna keep him around as a villain, they shouldn’t have (in addition to all the other reasons) included him raping Bree. Jamie, Murtagh and Bonnet all making choices within and outside of the law to various degrees in order to make their living in the Colonies would be a really interesting contrast. But nope, gotta just go all in. BeCaUsE tHe BoOk.

Also I hate with the passion of a thousand fiery suns the Jemmy’s paternity stuff. Le sigh.

Remember in season one when the show was about Claire and she was in episodes for longer than 10 minutes?

I miss Claire.

#*#outlander starz #outlander 5x02 #drunj!der yells about outlander

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masterofmagnetism · 4 years ago

Text

so you want to start a war || side b ( the un )

“Fantasy. Lunacy. All revolutions are, until they happen, then they are historical inevitabilities.”

David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas

WHO: Erik, Jean @jeangrcysummers, Scott @firstxman, and Raven @mysteriousdumbass

WHEN: August 2, 2020. 11 AM.

WHERE: The United Nations Secretariat Building, Midtown Manhattan

WHAT: The Brotherhood makes the war between humans and mutants official, by way of a coordinated attack on New York in response to the Accords and resurrection of the SENTINEL program. The launch of the plan goes off perfectly--well, almost.

( In which Erik monologues a lot, Scott proves he should be the one in charge, Jean stretches her figurative telepathic legs, and Raven teaches everyone how to make an Exit TM. )

WORD COUNT: 7.6k

TWs: murder, mind control, mentions of ptsd and past trauma incl. child abuse and death, mentions of historical genocides

ERIK: He'd once told Charles, an eternity ago when the sun was beating down on them in Cuba while the professor laid on his back with a bullet in his spine, that they wanted the same thing. He'd meant it, then, and there was a large part of him that still wanted to believe that was fundamentally true.

But he wasn't so certain, anymore. Because the feeling he had now, that electric feeling crackling under his skin that always happened in the lead-up to a battle, was something that said that perhaps this wasn't solely out of necessity as he'd so long claimed. This feeling said that there was a part of him that enjoyed it, that relished in war the way he'd said he didn't for so long, And there was no denying that there was an element of excitement sparking through his veins, because in three days' time, if all went well, his life goal would be achieved.

If all didn't go well, Erik would either be dead, or a murderer on a scale that didn't bear thinking about. ( He hadn't thought about it, because he wasn't sure if he was as upset as he once would have been at the prospect--and if he wasn't, whether that was because of him or the bird. He'd not talked about it with Jean, and he wasn't going to. There were some things Jean was better off not knowing. His eyes cut to the clock at the thought, because in nine minutes Jean would have something else to ask him about when they left this building. And for the first time in his life, he would have to lie to her. )

Normally, he would be in his helmet. But he didn't fear any telepaths, this time around--Jean and Emma were on side, and Charles wouldn't move against him now even if he could have. The man had been quiet, in recent weeks, apparently resigned to the war they all felt on the air. Jean needed access to Erik’s mind to keep the teams connected, and so he left space for her to press into it--though walls were up around the things she didn't need to see. No need for distractions.

It didn't matter. He didn't need the helmet to terrify the humans. He heard Raven out on the UN floor, giving an admirable performance as the Secretary-General. In a few moments, they would get their cue. But for now, Erik looked over at Jean and Scott where they waited a few steps away down the hall. Right now, they didn't need him to be a father. They needed him to be the general he'd made of himself. So he was calm, steady, unreadable as he spoke up.

"Are you ready?"

SCOTT: It had been getting harder, in recent days, to ignore that quiet whispering in the back of his mind. It was a voice that had been with him, in one way or another, since he’d opened his eyes in the cemetery where he’d been buried, since he’d breathed new air in lungs no longer damaged by the bullet that tore through him in that park, and Scott knew exactly what it was. He remembered Jean slipping into his room at eighteen, remembered the way she sat on the corner of his bed and spoke to him in his mind, where only the two of them could hear. It talked in my head, too, she’d said. It’s gone quiet now, but I think it’s still here. She’d told him it felt warm. He’d never known what that meant until now.

He told himself that it was a good thing. The Phoenix, while undeniably dangerous, offered incomparable power. Something like that wasn’t just good at this stage… it was necessary. Erik’s plan was ambitious, but Scott didn’t see any other way to ensure peace for their people. Humanity had made it clear long ago that they were finished listening to platitudes. If mutants turned the other cheek, humans would respond by cutting their exposed throats. The time for meek attempts at convincing an inferior race that they deserved a goal as simple as equality was over. This was war now.

(And perhaps that, more than anything, should have scared him. Scott had never thought like this before. He had never considered mutants superior to humans until after his resurrection. He’d assured Jean and Alex and anyone else willing to listen that the Phoenix hadn’t changed him, but thoughts like this proved the contrary. He was different now. Maybe he needed to be. Maybe this Scott Summers was better than the one who had died in that park. Maybe this Scott Summers never would have died at all.)

Raven spoke from the stage, and Scott half-listened with his fists clenched tightly at his sides, ready for a fight he knew was coming. Jean’s presence in his head was a familiar comfort, Erik’s warmth at his side steadily growing towards the same. Part of him felt, as he always had, that it was undeniably off to be on a side opposite Charles, but he pushed it away. They were all on the same side in the end, all had the same goal. Charles would understand that someday.

Erik spoke, so different from the warm voice he’d used at the wedding or just after Scott’s resurrection, and Scott didn’t smile as he nodded in response. He’d always been good at this --- turning his heart off when he needed to, morphing into the mold of the perfect soldier who did little more than follow orders. It was who he had been raised to be, by every authority figure he had ever known. “As soon as she says the word,” he said, glancing out to the stage.

JEAN: There were more than a few hard truths Jean had been forced to accept in her life. Number one: you couldn’t save everybody. Sometimes, when it came down to the wire, the only thing that you could do was make the hardest choice possible, and hope that you could live with the consequences. Jean learned that young, a teenage soldier in every way, and soon she learned where her priorities always lay — with her family. If it came down to it, she had a responsibility to every person who fought alongside her, to everyone who grew up in the Institute learning what they were capable of, to everyone who had supported her and loved her and been there for her when blood never was.

She had a responsibility to mutants, and it wasn’t just because of the gene she carried. It was because of love.

Number two: sometimes love made you do crazy things. She wouldn’t go so far as to say they were bad things — but from the outside looking in, it might appear that way. Raising Scott from the dead. Messing with people’s minds so they’d turn away from her teammates, making it so they couldn’t fall asleep at night without knowing that the most sacred, private part of themselves could be intruded as well as everything else.

Storming the United Nations.

Number three, and perhaps by far the most important, at least today: mutants had been fighting a battle since the moment they first existed. They’d been waging a war, and losing it, because they wanted to be the bigger people. Because they were afraid. Because they were so very few, and the humans were so very many.

Because they’d never tasted the fire before now, never known they were capable of holding it. But they were.

Jean had been dead for most of that war. She fought as a teenager, she fought as an adult, she fought in her own way as a medic, but she’d been dead for a long time. She’d been dead, and when she came back, she thought the world was different.

Now she knew it wasn’t. It never would be. If she wanted the world to be better — and she did, always, that’s everything she’d ever fought for — then she’d need to make the change herself, with a little help from her friends.

Scott and Erik’s presence was a strange mix of comforting and foreboding. It was an oxymoron, really, that she could think of no better people to go into war beside, yet wanted them to be at home, safe, more than almost anything else. Her entire world, almost, was condensed into this one building. It was now or never, a gamble that the Phoenix wouldn’t allow them to lose …

But she’d been confident before, and she’d still died. She’d still lost her husband. Her father still walked away.

Jean heard Scott’s voice in her mind. She milled through the crowd watching the Secretary-General — watching Mystique, who Jean was only convinced wouldn’t betray them at the first turn because she knew where the woman’s motivations lay — with a telepathic shield masking her from being spotted. For all intents and purposes, Jean was invisible, their minds blocked out to her moving between them, their subconsciouses filling in the gaps if she brushed against their arm as she moved past.

Just the wind. It’s my imagination. I really need to get more sleep.

Humans could compensate for anything. Even if the truth was staring them in the face, they’d come up with another explanation.

Jean looked back towards the stage. “Ready,” she said, her voice breaking through the illusion, several of the spectators turning towards the sound with wide eyes in the split second before the plan kicked into action.

RAVEN: God, humans were so boring. Every second she spent in this skin was a unique kind of torture, bearable only for Erik's sake. Her betrayal at the park was far from forgotten, even with Scott up and walking around again. (No, she hadn't known that would happen. But she wasn't entirely surprised either.) Still, the consequences of her recent actions were not why she stood where she did.

She had always believed in the cause. Her loyalties were a constant question, and she reveled in the rumors that surrounded her. Being predictable would've been boring. But it wasn't that she didn't wish to see Mutantkind rise up. She simply lacked the desire to martyr herself for a lost cause, the way so many other Mutants wished to. If she were going to act, it would be with purpose. It would be to achieve something truly great.

And maybe it was the ‘bird’ as they so lovingly called it -- but Erik finally seemed ready to take the leap he had always been destined for.

True revolution.

Charles could eat his heart out.

“If we are not vigilant, we will be overrun!” The speech she was giving was boilerplate, simplistic in the way that only blind prejudice could deliver. “The Sentinels are absolutely necessary for our survival,” she continued with gusto. She gestured to the demonstration units. “And already we see the results they have brung. It may seem cruel. Terrible, unfair. But this fight has never been fair. The playing field has always been leveled against us. Unchecked, mutants, Inhumans, super-powered scum will defeat us before we even know they are here.” She gazed out towards the back of the room, a slow smirk spreading across her face.

Erik and Scott stared up at her. Waiting. Expectant. Counting down the final seconds to glory. Jean’s eyes blazing, voice trembling with ferocity as she spoke. Not to the fools who turned at the sudden voice, but to her. Mystique grinned, and fell silent, much to the confusion of the room. She held up a hand.

“That’s for me, ladies and gentlemen,” she explained. The crowd settled somewhat, only a few whispers and murmurs. “My colleagues,” she said, sweeping her arm out towards the three of them. “You might recognize some of them. They’re here to highlight a little of what I was saying before.” Mystique stepped forward. “We are in a new age. Progress unprecedented in our time. The change we have all been waiting for. The change we’ve all… feared.”

With that, she let the disguise fade away. The blue scales sprouted across her body, crimson hair falling past her shoulders, and yellow eyes burning into the crowd. “As I said,” she continued, staring straight at Erik. “This fight is already over.”

ERIK: He couldn't have asked for a better introduction if he'd written Raven's speech himself. She'd always had a way with words, a skill at manipulation that exceeded even Erik's own. Slipping into the role of the Secretary-General looked like it'd been practically effortless, and he could feel the agreement to what she was saying ripple through the crowd until Jean's voice broke and Raven played her hand and slipped into her natural skin.

These were professionals, and there were no screams as the realization settled. Only gasps and murmurs as the mental shield Jean had been putting up lifted and they realized who was amongst them.

Scott Summers, the mutant they'd let be ripped through with a bullet in Central Park and yet had come back--and come back angry.

Jean Grey, the mutant who had shredded the Raft, deatomized people with only a thought, freed some of her fellows for the coming war, broken through a power suppressant collar and lived to talk about it.

Mystique, the shapeshifter who had terrified the government all the way back at the beginning of their understanding of mutantkind due to the fear she could take the place of one of them. The very real fear that would never have materialized, had the humans not been warmongers.

And Erik, of course, who most eyes in the room eventually settled on even before he spoke, because his reputation was intertwined with the very public trail of bodies he tended to leave in his wake.

The inclination was there. It wasn't in the plan, but the thought crossed his mind, had been an inkling since the little titters of agreement to Raven's obvious bait.

Humans were unsaveable. This building was run through with rebars, there were electrical systems through every desk in the hall. It would take nothing of his current power to electrocute everyone in their chairs, to bring this building down around their heads, to bring every building down. The humans deserved to be punished, to have to beg on their knees for mercy from the species that was ordained to replace them. It'd be natural, to end them all--Charles' own papers on mutation had said as much, that the inferior species never survived the evolutionary leap of their betters for long.

No. Not yet. In three days' time, perhaps things would look different without the bloodshed. Perhaps not. But he owed it to Jean and Scott to try.

Focus. All eyes on him. "Thank you for the warm welcome," he deadpanned into the silence, starting his walk between the rows of tables toward the podium. Some of the cameras that were livestreaming turned away from the podium to follow his movements and those of Jean and Scott behind him, the others stayed trained on Mystique. He could imagine the chaos erupting in newsrooms even now. They'd seen nothing yet.

"An old friend of mine once told me that I have a flair for the dramatic. Despite appearances," he smirked wryly, "That is not the case. There was a time not so long ago--within some of your lifetimes--that I would have loved nothing more than to live entirely out of the limelight. A time that I was content to live in a cabin in the woods with my wife and child. To work, like you do, a simple 9-5 job. There was a time that I was a child of war who only wanted it to stop, like so many of my brethren desire. None of us come into this world wanting war, we come wanting to coexist, to improve this world we share. But that is not the human way."

As if to emphasize the point, his senses, burning on double-time, take note of sudden warmth against grips. Security. Handguns. Erik smiled bitterly, glancing over his shoulder at Scott in time for a shot to ring out. The bullet froze in front of Raven, and Erik inclined his head in the direction of the gunman, even as he spoke up so the humans could hear. "Really. No lesson learned from the Park? Let's try this again."

SCOTT: It was almost funny, the idea that someone could be afraid of Jean’s voice. For more than half his life now, the sound had served as a comfort to Scott. It had been a light in the darkness, sometimes literally showing him the way when his visor was damaged and he was flying blind after a battle. To him, the sound of her voice was safety. It was home.

But the people in this room were not Scott Summers.

He’d seen Jean angry. He’d seen her in fights, in battles, in warzones. He remembered being sixteen and seeing her fight for the first time, remembered thinking he was glad that she was on their side, remembered feeling embarrassed at the memory that she could hear that thought. Jean was a force of nature when she wanted to be, and right now? Right now, she wanted to be. The people glancing at the three of them in fear were right to be afraid. They were smart. It was like Scott had said in his letter to the Bugle a lifetime ago --- this war had been around for a very long time. And right now, everyone in this room recognized that a battle was about to be fought.

Erik spoke, and a part of Scott ached for him. He’d had a life once. Scott didn’t know the full story, but he’d heard bits and pieces. He’d heard of a wife and a daughter, heard of a tragedy, and he could only imagine what it felt like. Scott had lost people before. He’d buried the woman he loved more than once, choked on his own blood on a grassy knoll, died wheezing and sweatstained and shit scared. Scott had lost people before but, to him, those losses had always been expected. He’d always known, on some level, that they were coming. Soldiers fought in wars, and wars took everything you had. Losing people had been the most constant thing in Scott’s life since his mother pushed him from a plane with the only parachute strapped to his back and his baby brother clutched in his arms. Losing people was familiar. He’d never once allowed himself to believe he could live without loss.

Things had been different, he suspected, for Erik. No one expected to bury their child. No one planned for that. And war cared so little for plans.

(Humanity cared so little for plans.)

Security stormed the room, and Erik caught Scott’s eye for a moment before shots rang out. For a fraction of a second, Scott was back in Central Park. He waited for the bullet to tear through his chest, waited for blood to flood into his lungs, waited for Logan to offer that merciful release, but it never came. This was not Central Park. Scott was not dying. The bullets froze in the air, and Erik was there. Scott let out a quiet breath, meeting Erik’s eye again and nodding once.

Stepping forward, he moved one of the stray bullets to the side with a finger, glancing around the room to meet the gaze of the few people who didn’t immediately look away. “You know who we are,” he stated the obvious with a quirk of his brow. “You know we didn’t want it to come to this. We tried, for years, to keep the peace. We fought alongside you, fought for you, and look where it got us. We’re finished with peace. We want results now.” He glanced back to Jean, taking strength in her presence for a moment. “You can try to fight us,” he said, looking back to the crowd, “but I don’t think it will go the way you want it to go. Your best option is to listen. To negotiate. Results don’t have to be born from violence alone.”

JEAN: Erik described their powers — their abilities — as gifts. He looked at Jean and she didn’t need to read his mind to know where his imagination was going. She was capable of so many things, a sentiment that had been repeated to her since she was five years old and her parents didn’t realise the irony of what they were saying, that the ‘special’ they boasted about in their youngest daughter would one day tear their family apart.

Because Jean’s ‘gift?’ It got her killed. It got her shot in the middle of a fight that should’ve been easy. Her gift meant she was reckless, and it meant she was arrogant, and it meant that she had only a split second to see a flash of red and Scott running towards her before she hit the ground. Her ‘gift’ cost her a sister, her parents, more friends than she could count. It cost her a life with a white picket fence, and it took Scott’s life, and as an extension, it ruined Erik’s too.

Because Jean’s gift wasn’t just hers. It was one they all shared, the four of them standing in this room. Mystique’s cool gaze met hers, and Jean met it for only a split second before turning back to one she knew like the back of her hand, one she could trace out in her sleep.

(Erik’s way of thinking had always been easier for her to follow. Charles said telepaths had a unique responsibility, and he was right. He said they had to protect people’s rights to their own privacy, that they had to be the most staunch defenders of free will, but it was never people’s thoughts Jean wanted to intrude into. It was never their minds or their internal lives that she was interested in. When Jean was angry, her first thought wasn’t how she could tear them apart, slowly, with memories and soft spots and traumas long since buried.

When Jean was angry, she just wanted to burn the world down. She’d always been that way. She’d always seen that in Erik. She’d always been afraid of the fact that may have been why the Phoenix chose her.)

The guns went off, and for the first time in her life Jean flinched at the noise. She flinched, but there was a shield around them, bullets hanging suspended in the air.

This time, she did listen to their thoughts.

We knew he could do that. They will come with reinforcements — plastic guns, polymer weaponry. Shapeshifters revert with enough pressure, we could screen everyone coming in, we could adjust. If the girl wanted us dead, we’d all be gone already. We’d be agreeing already, if she could really get in our heads. They’re bluffing.

The one thought that stood out amongst them all, the one that came from a man without a single ounce of fear on his expression, all stony rage—

We killed Summers once before.

Jean took a step towards that man. She lifted her hand, twisting her wrist so one of the suspended bullets could follow her until it was resting against the centre of his forehead. One of his colleagues made a huffed breath as they briefly considered intervening, but that was the thing about humans. For the most part, they fell short on doing the right thing, even when they knew it was the right thing. They had a certainty in front of them, and they ignored it to follow orders.

The bullet dropped to the floor with a clatter. The man jumped.

“I can hear what you’re thinking,” Jean said, still a mere metre away from the man in question, but loud enough that the room could hear — and her voice echoed in their subconscious, the same as Jean elevated Mystique’s voice, and Erik’s, and Scott’s. They weren’t gods, far from it, but sometimes a little drama was needed. “You’re wondering if this is all a little overkill — if we’re just here to throw our weight around. If we’ll just kill you anyway, or why we haven’t done this before.”

Jean tilted her head, hair falling off her shoulder. “This man is the perfect example of why we remained hidden, why I was scared as a child to go to school. Do you want to share with the group what you’re thinking?”

The man stayed silent, jaw tightening. Jean tilted her head even further, and with a little nudge, the man’s mouth fell open.

“Mutants are freaks,” he said, eyes widening as the words left without his permission. “They come into our countries, our towns, they take our jobs, our security — they indoctrinate our children, and they…”

Jean waved her hand, and the man fell silent. “I don’t know about all of you,” she said, “but it kind of sounds like the other way around, to me.”

ERIK: Scott was trying to play nice. Even after everything, he was trying to talk to them, coax them into negotiating before the threats were even made. Jean was talking, getting in their heads, forcing one of the men to speak the bigotry lurking in his mind out into the crowd. She could hear the hate in his heart, could hear what everyone in the room would like to do, and yet she was calm, level-toned. Not for the first time, Erik wondered what the Phoenix was like for them, because he was itching to tear crowd and building alike apart at the seams. It would be easy. Not for the first time, Erik was grateful that he'd learned long ago how to keep up mental shields, how to control how far he let a telepath into his head, because he didn't want Jean to see that the man's words made him want to stop his heart where he stood. He knew those thoughts were there, expected it--that was the point of all this, after all. But it didn't make him less angry. And judging by the way Raven was watching him, she knew it. Scott and Jean might or might not, but Raven knew. She always did.

Not a minute in, and they'd already tried to kill his family. They deserved to pay for it. It would be so easy. But there was a plan, one Scott and Jean were expecting him to follow unless things went unexpectedly wrong. So Erik bit down the fury that itched through his palms, the urge to send the bullets flying right back into the skulls of the security guards who'd fired upon them, and let the bullets drop to the floor. "Do you know," he said as he continued toward the podium, smiling frigidly, "I'm almost glad to hear that, my mutant-hating friend, because I'm sure that means you all will be nothing but ecstatic to hear my proposed solution." He was at the front, now, all eyes on him as he stepped to the podium. "If history has shown us one thing, it's that humans are not good at coexisting, despite those little bumper stickers I imagine are on half of your cars."

His gaze swept over the crowd, and his eyes were colder than ever. "You claimed to build this hall as a place where humanity could come to work towards peace. To avoid another World War, like the one that killed my family, that left me marked like cattle. Once upon a time, the world said 'never again.' And then you all sat idly by while millions of Bengalis were killed in Bangladesh. You looked away while in one hundred days, a million Tutsis were massacred in Rwanda. Your so-called Peacekeepers stood and watched while the Serbs murdered 8,000 men and boys in Srebrenica. And now, you would not simply watch, but encourage the United States government in stripping its mutant population of their rights: to force them to register, as Hitler did the Jews. To force them to work for this new regime, to perpetuate harm against their brethren as I was forced to do in Auschwitz. To throw them into prison without trial to be tortured--I witnesssed the abuse with my own eyes in the Raft." His voice had risen slowly, steely but rolling with righteous fury. "Perhaps you don't care as our human rights are stripped away because, as you people are so good at doing against those who are different, you've stopped seeing us as human at all."

The smile now was nothing but venomous. "In that much at least, you are correct. We are better. I warned you that war was being declared with the passage of the Accords, and even my own people called me alarmist. But no one doubts now that this is war, when you have these roaming the streets to hunt us down," he said, waving at the inactive Sentinel on display. "Not since humans ambushed my people in Central Park for doing nothing more than existing. You wanted to make us afraid. To make a point. Well, here is mine," he said, nodding at Scott. "We will always rise. We are the next stage of human evolution. Never before in history has the less-evolved form of humanity managed to live alongside their more evolved kin--not for long enough to matter. Your extinction is inevitable. Now, I am content to let that end come about naturally, to let evolution run its course until you are wiped from existence. Continue to fight us as you have, and I will personally ensure your extinction is dramatically accelerated."

The room had gone quiet enough that you could hear a pin drop. "My children have requested that humanity be given a chance to do the right thing. I'm willing to give you the opportunity--albeit with an incentive. There are two million people on the island of Manhattan. Every person who came to work this morning here on the island will remain here for the next three days, along with residents. People attempting to leave will not survive the attempt. You have 8 hours to dispatch someone with authority to make decisions to Stark Tower to begin negotiating the cession of land to my people for our own nation, so you needn't worry about the mutant plague displacing you. Within 72 hours, I expect to have a signed agreement in my hand. If not, we will dismantle your buildings, your monuments, your world. We will destroy this island and tip it into the sea as if it was never here at all, and then, if you lot still prove to be intractable after our demonstration, we will move on to the rest of this city."

SCOTT: It was easy, listening to him speak, to understand why Erik was able to command people so effortlessly. It was easy to understand why people flocked to him, why mutants came to stand by his side without hesitation, why Scott had found himself among them. The way he commanded a room wasn’t something that could be matched, wasn’t a thing he’d seen in anyone else save for perhaps the Professor himself. Erik had a way about him, and when he spoke, it was hard not to listen.

Between his words, Jean’s righteous anger, and Mystique’s impressive display, they were certainly a sight to behold. Not an eye in the room could turn away from them, not a person among them looked unafraid. Some part of Scott, the part he tried to keep buried deep inside, the part the Phoenix seemed to amplify --- it took joy in that. He knew what Jean meant when she said she’d been afraid as a child, because he had been too. He’d been terrified the moment his powers manifested, been called a villain for trying to help people, been taken advantage of by people who should have tried to help him. Part of him was ecstatic about the idea of these men, men so like those he had feared as a child, being afraid of him now. For so long, their people lived in fear, in terror. Could anyone blame them if they wanted to ensure this was never the case again?

“All we want,” he said, locking eyes with the man whose words Jean had forced to the surface, “all we have ever wanted, is to live our lives in peace. We want to be able to let our children go to the park without worrying about men pointing guns in their faces. We want to be able to walk outside with wings on our backs or fur on our skin without you putting collars around our necks and throwing us in cells. We want to be able to exist without having to sign a piece of paper allowing you to track us. We want to live. That’s all we want.”

And then Erik launched into his demands, and Scott let his gaze sweep the room to gauge responses. They were asking for something extreme. He knew that. He also knew that they hadn’t been left with much of a choice. They had tried, for so long, to live in harmony with humanity. Some of them had even managed to achieve it for a time… but only so long as they hid who they were. For people like Kurt, whose blue fur and tail made it impossible for him to blend in, or Warren, whose wings ached every time he forced them beneath a jacket, or Scott, who couldn’t be without his glasses no matter how dark it was outside or how many hours he spent indoors, even that was out of the question. And it wasn’t right, and it wasn’t fair. No one should have to pretend to be something they weren’t for the comfort of bigots. What they were asking for was extreme, but humanity had made it clear that it was necessary. There was no world where they could exist in harmony. It simply didn’t exist.

JEAN: Jean was tired of a lot of things. She was tired of hearing every disgusting thought that was passing through these people’s heads about her people, about her family, every justification they brought through for the dehumanisation of the people she grew up surrounded by, the people that she defined herself by. She was tired of fighting, tired of running from robots designed entirely to hunt her down, tired of fearing a life spent behind bars or with cuffs around her wrists for things that she couldn’t control. She was sick of being out of control. She was sick of not knowing where her limits were, never being entirely sure whether she could stop herself if she crossed that line that seemed to creep ever closer.

She was sick of people dying. She was sick of mutant children avoiding hospitals because they were afraid of being carted away from their families. Most of all, though, Jean Summers was sick of making mistakes. She’d made more than her fair share, in the past six months — more than her fair share in the past thirty years. Her heart, her gut, guided her, and she was always told to go entirely by their compass, but the consequences seemed to be far reaching no matter what way she moved.

She hadn’t prayed in years. She wasn’t praying now. But she was asking something, someone, to watch over and make sure this wasn’t a repetition of the same pattern.

(Maybe she was asking the bird. What did that say about her?)

Erik mentioned extinction, and Jean knew him well enough at this point that she didn’t flinch. She didn’t release her hold on the man in front of her, didn’t stop scanning through their minds, predicting any movements they might make and quickly making them forget about any plans to fight back. A little persuasion never hurt anyone, but she still felt sick at the thought, still felt that prickle on the back on the back of her neck at the fact she was exerting her will, and she hadn’t done that since she was sixteen, and wasn’t she better than that now …

Her gaze flickered towards Scott, and he was looking at her already, and Jean allowed herself to breathe.

“We have never asked for your world before,” Jean said. “We have never intruded, never stepped into your land like you tore ours from us. We’ve never had a place to settle — we’ve never had a history to look back on. It’s been stripped from us in every generation, in every form. That changes today. Our children will be born into a world where they can be as proud to be a mutant as you are to serve and protect your people. We want the same things. We all want the same thing. Peace. Security. A place to rest. We wouldn’t have done this, but you left us no other option.”

(She wanted to explain it more. In a sudden, fierce burst, Jean wanted to make them all see what she had when the Phoenix tore through words. She wanted to make them all see their colleagues’ perceptions, the strength of hatred the world held towards her kind. Maybe if they could see how she saw, they would understand — but maybe they wouldn’t.

This was the only way.)

“We don’t want to hurt you,” she said, looking this time towards Erik, face hard in a way she had to have learned from him, or from dying, “but we will, if we have to. I’m sure you can see now that it wouldn’t be difficult for us to achieve.”

RAVEN: She wanted to hurt them. Jean and Scott, the happy little newlyweds, they could say whatever they wanted, they could claim this was a last resort and something they never wanted to do. But Raven wouldn't lie to herself. She had always seen this moment as an inevitability. Perhaps Charles himself was the first one to make her think so. To put it in scientific terms -- this was evolution. Revolution.

And she would kill every single person in this room to achieve it. Why should they get to go home to their families, their children? She had never gotten to be a child. She had to abandon her own time and time again, just to survive in this hateful, twisted world. A backwards world, where the weak oppressed the strong. No more.

She stepped forward, off the stage. Approaching the man Jean had forced to speak. She leaned over him, stroking a hand down his cheek. The scales on her fingers were sharp, left a thin red line against his pale skin. "We're here to start a revolution," she said. "And what would a revolution be without reparation?" She chuckled, and made her way around behind him. Everyone was frozen in fear, eyes wide as the strange blue figure leaned down, wrapping herself around the man. "Don't worry," she whispered in his ear. "We won't try to indoctrinate you."

She grabbed his neck and twisted. There was a sickening crunch of bone, and he slumped forward. There were screams, gasps, someone in the corner retched. Raven's laugh echoed louder than any of it.

Peace without bloodshed was impossible when the wounds were so fresh.

"Choose your representative wisely, Homo Sapiens," she called, as she sashayed her way back to the stage. "We will know if you lie. Count yourself lucky my colleagues want change and not revenge," she said, gazing out at the crowd. "Because if it were up to me alone, I would not be so kind. You have 72 hours," she echoed, straightening her shoulders. "This world belongs to Mutants now. Your fate is in our hands." She held up her own, wiggling her fingers. "And you know what our hands are capable of now."

ERIK: Raven’s inclusion in the plan hadn’t exactly been well-received, in the beginning. And it was understandable why—Erik himself had been furious enough with Raven to threaten her life when he’d found out about her involvement with the catastrophe in Central Park. Scott had been the one who died thanks to her machinations, and Jean had lost the man she loved more than life itself for weeks.

And that was why Raven was here. Everyone else here was dangerously sentimental—Jean and Erik and Scott were fearfully attached to the people they loved, were prone to letting that attachment skew their decision making even without the Phoenix. With the bird running in their veins, it was all the more dangerous. But Raven? Raven loved her family, but she had no qualms about doing what was necessary for the sake of the mission. The faintly nauseous feeling that had plagued Erik for the last few days since the confrontation at L-Corp never seemed to have materialized with Raven regarding the Park. She did what she saw to be necessary, without hesitation and without guilt. And while the number of people Erik trusted wholly could be counted on one hand ( one finger, in fact ), Erik had no qualms about trusting Raven to with the mission, even if that meant she didn’t always play perfectly by his playbook.

He knew Raven better than he knows nearly anyone else. So he knew, as she stepped off the stage, as he took in the way she was walking and carrying herself, what she was going to do. They’d been practically in sync since the beginning, save for the Central Park incident, and no doubt her head was exactly where his was. Scott and Jean were taking part in the revolution, as he’d always hoped, but they were still framing things as if they were X-Men. We don’t want to hurt you.

That wasn’t, strictly speaking, entirely true. Jean might not. Scott might not. But Raven had always been in a similar way as Erik, and Erik had spent the entire last few minutes wanting nothing more than the blood of all the hypocrites gathered in this room, all the people who dared to stand here and preach peace while throwing their support behind the World Security Council. She wanted blood. And despite Erik’s assurances to Jean that he would not kill anyone here today unless his hand was forced, he was not going to stop her. He would stop no mutant from acting against a human in the midst of war. Especially not Raven, with all she’d lost.

But there was part of this that was overfamiliar, dangerous, and it took only a few moments for Erik to piece together what it was before he was reaching out to Jean’s presence in his mind as everyone focused temporarily on Raven, a warning contained in the tone around one word.

<<Jean.>>

Too long ago, Erik was in a submarine reactor with the man who killed his mother and made a choice. Charles was in much the same position as Jean was now, mind reaching out to the entire team for support, spread-thin. Erik had blocked him out of his mind with a stolen helmet and run a coin through Sebastian Shaw’s skull, knowing entirely well that Charles, with his grip on Shaw, would feel every agonizing second of it. And he’d done it anyway, because Erik couldn’t leave the past behind while the man who had set his life on its downward spiral and destroyed the lives of so many others still breathed. Erik had made Charles live a death vicariously, a death at his own hand, and ten minutes later put a bullet through the man’s spine far less deliberately but no less painfully.

Jean had killed before, had felt lives wink out on the Raft at her own command. But he would not have her experience what Charles had, death at the hands of a teammate. Not unless it was a choice. One he hadn’t given her father the chance to make—no, one that Charles had been forced to make.

Focus. This is not Cuba. Pay. Attention.

<<Do not react.>> That was the only other warning he could give, before Raven’s hands twisted and left the man in a heap on the floor. The humans screamed, and Erik felt a curl of vindictive pleasure that crept through with an amused quirk of his lips. That was less important, though, than Scott and Jean maintaining apparent neutrality. It was of paramount importance right now that they show a united front, that the death of a human didn’t appear to perturb any of them. They could give no reason to doubt that their threats to New York would be followed through on if the humans failed to cooperate.

Erik didn’t laugh as Raven did, but his smile didn’t falter for a moment. “I couldn’t have said it better myself.” Erik offered an arm to Raven, held out his hand for Jean and Scott to come up toward the stage—they needed to be holding hands, to be transported by Azazel ( the same way they’d run in Cuba--stop ) and get out of here before the police gathering outside decided it was worth the risk to move in. “We’ve made our stance clear. Whatever happens next rests squarely on your shoulders. Choose wisely.”

Jean’s hand slid into his, Scott’s already tangled with hers, and Erik cut his eyes to the camera. Azazel would be watching, from the base, and sure enough, the man appeared in a crack of smoke a moment later, earning a few more bit-back screams. “You know where to find us.” Stark Tower, where the others would be waiting already, finalizing the securing of one of the most famous buildings in New York. “We’ll be waiting.”

Azazel squeezed his shoulder, and the group of them disappeared moments later. And the hall erupted into chaos.

#c: scott summers #c: jean grey #c: raven darkholme #f: discord #d: so you want to start a war ( side b )

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atlas-of-a-human-soul · 5 years ago

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Love me, love me not ~ pt. 6

06: When Grayson gets an audition

Summary: Grayson’s audition is finally here. However, that’s not the only thing on his mind as he asks Y/N for something she’s not ready to give.

Warnings: angst, fluff, a sprinkle of smut

Word count: 1.9k

Love me, love me not ~ Series Masterlist

"You've got to focus!" Y/N exclaimed, already frustrated with Grayson and his constant staring instead of actually listening to her instructions or doing pretty much anything else. He's done that since they met, but it's become a lot more frequent since the morning in Paris when they woke up tangled in one another and not in a sexual manner.

Annoyed, she snaps her fingers in front of his face, a little impatiently, definitely a little violently since Grayson was convinced she sparked up just by the force she used and sheer power of will.

"I'm listening!" He blinked a little too quickly, his usual tell. Y/N rolled her eyes, tilted her head and placed a hand over his in a gingerly manor.

"No. You're staring." She corrected, biting on the inside of her lips, trying to suppress a giddy smile. He made her giddy. She hated it. Not really, but it's what she told herself.

"I'm gazing. Staring is creepy, gazing is romantic. Big difference!" Grayson explained, turning his hand over so he could capture her unprepared long enough to hold her hand instead of having her pull back.

And she gasped when her hand felt his movement, her eyes taking note of his switch up and the ever growing warmth he brought once his palm encased hers and his long fingers slid between her smaller ones.

"And I think you love it." Grayson continues, a cocky smile upon his lips as he leans in, a wild twinkle of recklessness coming to life in his soft brown eyes.

"We're here so you can practice this script because you have ten hours till your audition." She evaded answering, mostly because her flushed cheeks were answer enough and her mind wasn't quite ready to confess to anything just yet.

"Maybe it would motivate you if you knew this character is going to be my love interest." She smiled when he perked up, shrugging right after. "But if you don't want to spend the next year making out with me for hours on end, on and off screen, I get it." She feigned innocence as she dropped her gaze, sighing heavily as if the notion had broken her heart. And Grayson knew it was an act, a total guilt trip to push him to do more and damn it, he was impressed. He was impressed because even if he knew it was an act, she had his heart pounding, his attention chained to her and with the slight quiver of her bottom lip he saw her eyes turned glossy and she had him in her hold. It's the first time ever he realized how brilliant she is at what she does and he found he loves her even more because of it.

"Alright. Teach me."

They spent the next five hours working in the best way to deliver the lines and perfect facial expressions to match his actions. He felt like a broken car in need of a proper tweaking, but he found she had tightened the bolts and the engine ran smoother with each passing minute.

"Look. It's gonna be fine." She turned to him, sitting in the passenger seat of his Porsche, in the underground garage of the building where his audition is supposed to take place.

Her hand slid atop his, the coldness of it not even phasing him anymore. He had gotten so used to it, but sometimes he'd feel it's lukewarm and he couldn't help the shit-eating grin on his face because it only ever got that way when they were together and her hand would be encased in his most of the time.

"You've got the right look, great reputation and since you're supposedly dating me, it's good publicity for the movies." Her body shifted toward his, her eyes no longer evading his gaze. She could tell he is nervous as hell, sweating as much as he did when they met and his skin burning up with the increased blood flow, courtesy of his crashing heart.

"Supposedly?" Grayson raised an eyebrow to her words, already on edge and unsure of what to say or do with himself, all his insecurities and worries tumbling over him in this moment of weakness.

"That's all you heard?" She chuckled lowly, shaking her head as his lips pressed together and his eyebrows pulled closer.

"No, but seriously. What are we? Are we together or am I just a contractual obligation to you?" The serious tone and demanding undertone had rattled her on the inside, but a smile remained upon her pink stained lips, holding up that facade she hoped could be dropped soon enough. At least around him. But she didn't know the answer to his question. Not yet. Her heart was still struggling against her mind and the battle within was tearing her apart. But she does care. She does. That much she knows. Had she not cared, she wouldn't have bothered to fight at all.

"Can we...pick up that subject after? For now, the audition is best to be a priority. I mean...technically, you're supposed to break up with me the moment today is over. Tomorrow is the date. We can talk about it tonight." She drew in a deep breath, licking her lips before pecking his - quickly, awkwardly and with uncertainty.

Sure, he questions what they are and often shows he wants more than a contract, but to be so vulnerable with someone again? To give someone the power to destroy her, her career and everything she spent her life building? That was a feat worthy of the bravest person alive and she didn't think she was that brave. She used to be. Not anymore.

"Just tell me if you feel anything. Don't just kiss me to shut me up." Grayson is brass, unforgiving and impatient. He's had enough and his frustration over the situation has come to an all time high. He keeps giving and giving and receiving close to nothing in his opinion. He's been patient, but he's not a patient man.

"I...this is a longer conversation, okay? Just come to mine tonight, okay? We can talk more then. Like we did in Paris." Her voice is sickly sweet and filled with despair covered in a compelling memory using Paris had brought.

"So you really want to just stare at me like that?" She laughed as she spoke, her hands covering her face in embarrassment. She was aware of her good looks, God knows they've told her that enough to last her a lifetime. However, she was still insecure when the guy she likes stared intently, seeing the littlest imperfections make up usually hides but she had nothing to cover them up now, and the sunshine on her face is unforgivingly illuminating.

"Always. I'd like a different view...you under me...or above. Or both, but I'm willing to wait." Grayson's cheeky comment had left her frazzled, but her mind kept her leveled.

"You will. When you get me a clean bill of health for STDs." She lost the giddiness for a moment, a serious expression of her face void of emotions. She had learned her lesson on that before and she wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

"Seriously? I'm clean. I promise." Grayson chuckled, in disbelief. This felt more like a comedy show than reality, but she wasn't laughing.

"Prove it. Get checked up. I have mine. Get me yours and you'll be fighting to get me off you." She winked, rolling into his embrace as Grayson made a mental note of doing as she asked. It was an odd request, but she had a right to ask and he wouldn't go against it. Mostly because he really wanted to show her what it truly means to have a man like him inside her as she clawed at his back and begged for a release. He wants that so bad.

"I will. Promise."

"Fine. I'll come by tonight. But I expect an actual answer from you tonight." Grayson huffed before getting out, Y/N following.

"Good luck, charmer." She winked at him, her dazzling smile back on and he found some comfort in it. But he found more comfort in knowing he's going to know if he's hanging on for no reason or if there is something there to fight for soon enough.

"Y/N?" He inhaled sharply, looking in her innocent little eyes that held fires no one could tame despite the ice her touch offered.

"Yeah?" Her small voice barely reached him, like a hum in the wind, a distant echo.

"You know I don't give a fuck about this audition in comparison to you, right?" Grayson decided to reassure her, trusting his instincts and what knowledge he gathered about her in their relatively short time together.

She seemed to be surprised by his confession, taken aback as if what he said is outrageous. Her wide eyes and parted lips betrayed her, her fixed gaze even more.

"Don't ever think otherwise. Because if you asked me to choose, you'd be my first choice. That's how I feel. Think about that till tonight." Grayson didn't smile like he usually does, nor did he say goodbye. He turned his back and walked away, his distancing footsteps ringing in her ears as the panic of his feelings washed over her.

What would she do? He was asking for too much, too fast. She wasn't ready for a commitment, for a new relationship. She still had something alike PTSD from the last one. But she didn't want to lose him either. She rarely gave people the benefit of doubt, but Grayson was literally sun personified. He gave her warmth, safety, a place to heal and hide from the bad. Perhaps that's selfish, but she can't afford to lose him. But she refuses to lie. A moral dilemma had taken her hostage as she got in her car, driving home with her mind in ruins.

"I care, but is there more to it?" She whispered, her voice cracking as she looked herself in the eye, the reflection looking back entirely different than when she was just starting off in Hollywood. Disgusted with the view, she closed her eyes in a sudden rage, her hand closing into a fist as it connected with glass. The crashing sound filled the bathroom, shards falling around as she cried out.

She didn't care about her bleeding hand, nor about the mess she's made in her usually perfectly clean bathroom. She was lost. She was scared. She was desperately trying to piece herself into someone worth of someone like Grayson. She wanted to be someone worth his love.

No matter how hard she tried, she struggled with the notion, because it had very little with what he could give her, and everything with what he could take. She swore she'd keep her heart safe, but she wondered if he'd reject it should she truly show him what its comprised of, all she had done.

Would he want her if he knew her for who she is, or would he run?

When she hears the lock turn, she knows she'll know soon. For better...or worse.

Tags: @xalayx @dolandolll @godlydolans @dolanstwintuesday @anything-dolan @peacedolantwins @maybgrayson @nowheredolan @graydolan12 @beautorigin @justordinaryjen @starrydolan @pitreshawn @grays-laugh

#grayson dolan #grayson dolan x reader #grayson dolan fluff #grayson dolan angst #dolan twins #grayson dolan series #grayson dolan au #grayson dolan fanfic #grayson dolan fanfiction #grayson dolan fic #grayson dolan smut

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low-budget-korra · 6 years ago

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Lets talk about Korra

Today I will speak of her, which in my opinion is one of the greatest characters everr : Avatar Korra.

At first we see a 17 year old girl who probably had her first contact with a lot of things. First contact with a big city, first crush, first handful of responsibilities, first threat...

It is worth mentioning that since day one, Korra has embraced the role of Avatar with all strength and love. She felt proud of her position and willing to do her job as the Avatar

(look at this precious little thing)

Remember that she spent her entire life locked in a training center, without contact with the rest of the world, so her knowledge of everything beyond the gates where she lived was new.

Right in the beginning we see her dealing with some Equalists Protestants, which she does not take seriously. And only when she witnesses the power of the leader of this movement, she begins to take the threat very seriously and also, to fear this man more than everything in her life until then.

What does Amon represents for Korra?

I think this question can be easily answered by Korra's simple argument of love being the Avatar. And at least in the beginning of the book one they hinted that her life was just about that, Being the Avatar.

We are not introduced to any friends of Korra, except for Naga, or past boyfriend / girlfriend. Nothing. We only know that this girl is the Avatar. And I would not be surprised if that was the only way she saw herself.

Maybe that's why fight in pro-bending was so important. Not only as a means of socialization, after all it was thanks to the pro-bending that she met her friends, but also as a training and more important, search for identity. I think part of the journey of Korra in the first two books is a lot about that: search for identity.

Then, answering the question, Amon is the only person who can destroy that image, which can destroy Korra. He can destroy it without even needing to kill it. And that's exactly what he does.

In episode 4, we have, in my opinion, the darkest episode of the entire Avatar series. To be honest, I'm sure that if TLOK were a live action series for example, we may have a scene of sexual assault or an explicit threat of this there , because of the power struggle there between those two characters, no, power abyss and the way Amon touch her, her face, without her consent . Some people felt some kind of sexual tension there, no wonder there are people who shiped Amorra (Korra and Amon) back in the day.

That scene is powerful because Amon did not have to sexually touch Korra to violate her. At least, this whole situation served for her to open up with Tenzin over her fears and consequently learn how to deal with them, because I'm sure Korra did not get over what happened there so fast.

Still about Power Dispute we have another character who exemplifies this: Tarrlok. Tarrlok is a rising politician who uses Korra as a pawn in his goal to seize the power of Republic City. Amon also uses the same trick, after all, the moment he defeats the Avatar, the city would be his.

So we have this young woman who will stop right in the middle of a political power dispute.

Tarrlok also serves as a comparative. While Amon wants to dominate and destroy the avatar figure, not caring about who she is, Tarrlok wants to dominate and use Korra. And this makes me think that, that metal box was made exclusively for her. Like if that shit was for Amon, he didnt know Amon was a bender so an simples cell would be good. I think Tarrlok knew that Korra may ruin his plans so he had that as his plan B.

In the end Korra lost the physical battle but won the ethical battle against both. But at what price? Amon was able to remove the bends of the Avatar. And without them, how could she be the Avatar?

I also strongly believe that one of the final scenes of the season, when Korra is facing a cliff, I believe she might be thinking about taking her life. After all, everything she was, everything she'd trained so hard for, had been destroyed in minutes.

She, with the help of Aang and the other avatars, recovered her bends and with the help of everyone, including her then boyfriend Mako, she "moved on."

In the next one, I used to hate the first half of book 2, but then I came to see with different eyes.

In that first half, Korra is unbearable. Everything she learned in Book 1 how to be more mature, less spoiled and all, was thrown in the trash and she was the same "child" of the book one only worse.

Until I stopped and realized that I was also unbearable and childish like this when I had my bad phases of anxiety and depression, as defense mechanism and keep people away. Returning to Korra, and if this way of acting of her was nothing more than this defense mechanism?

Whether or not she was betrayed by her own Uncle. Imagine, shortly after having your life turned upside down, when you are recovering, trying to recover your image as Avatar and suddenly your own uncle betrays you? Yeah.

"Oh, but she should not have stayed on his side against her father"

Yes, but remember that our, still young avatar, has fallen into the trap of believing and trusting someone just because that person says everything she want it to hear.

In the end, Korra again goes through a traumatic moment when she has her connection with past lives destroyed. We see how it affected her when she apologizes to Tenzin, through tears. And Tenzin, as the excellent master he is, tries to motivate her to face Vaatu again (now merged with Unalaq, her uncle) and so she is able to beat him and secure another 10 thousand years of Light to the world.

In the final moments, we see the (somewhat innocent) decision to reconnect the world of spirits and the world of men. And we also see Korra and Mako permanently end their turbulent relationship, which I will speak more ahead.

Book 3 begins in a more mature, we see all the characters being presented in a more mature way and it seems that Korra, now, has overcome everything that has passed. We have the relationship between Korra and Asami deepening as well, and I will also comment further on.

In Book 3, called "Change" we have a great sacrifice from Korra. Her life goes down a notch when she decides to save the new airbenders from Zaheer and the Red Lotus, the strongest villain she's ever faced.

Zaheer, unlike the other villains, who had not explicitly intended to kill Korra, had as goal just to kill the Avatar. And he almost succeeded.

Not only that, Korra was physically and psychologically defeated. She won the battle but not the war, we can say so.

So book 4 begins and we only come across Korra in the final minutes and she is unrecognizable. We see that, once proud and courageous avatar, in someone depressed and cowed.

I think it's visible that Korra is afraid of being the Avatar again, Toph even tells her that during the season. And I think it's totally plausible.

Korra's fight against PTSD is one of the most honest and realistic things I've ever seen. Do you think that after a violent battle and almost die, even winning in the end, the hero returns home and everything is okay? I think not.

Not only what happened in the end of book 3 , but i believe that she also has having flashs or thoughts about all her fights and all the traumatic shit that she passed

Another thing I think is worth quoting is that Korra took 3 years to feel safer and re-embrace her duties as Avatar. It was not 3 weeks or 3 months, it was 3 years. And anyone who suffers from some mental illness knows very well the stigma that is, the fight that is, because everyone wants you to be well in 6 months when the truth is that many times you spend years fighting against this. And this is a pressure that falls on you.

Imagine, seeing all your friends moving forward while you continue "stock in the same place"?

Only after Korra confronts Zaheer, I think that was a way to show her coping with the trauma, she improves to the point of returning to be the great Avatar we know. The once "monster Zaheer" who almost kill her now is some dude in chains who fail at his plans and created an big problem and needed Korra to solve it

One of the quotes that struck with me most was in that filler episode thats a summary of all what happened in the show , and in the part narrated by Korra she says "I was so naive" and the way Janet delivered that line..., with some pain and I know the sadness but at the same time, stronger and more mature ... I think it means a lot.

here in tumblr I think, I saw a phrase that until today marks me that is :

"The Last Airbender is a story of a boy who becomes a god. The Legend of Korra is the story of a goddess who becomes a girl "

This is strong!

And I get very angry when someone comes to downgrade my baby Korra because she is such an incredible heroine and her journey is also incredible.

The story of how life can be hard and unfair, how it can hurt and paralyze, but there is always a reason to move on. We should always move on.

Korra is definitely not weak, quite the opposite, she is one of the if not the strongest heroine I have ever seen. Korra inspires overcoming.

Now l will let to talk about the relationships tomorrow. I promise

#the legend of korra #korrasami #avatar korra #mako #the last airbender #aang #asami #tenzin #lets talk about

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nutellaninja0001 · 6 years ago

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I love and admire Sansa Starks character because I don’t think fans truly grasp just how much strength it took just to survive growing up in King’s Landing as a prisoner of war and the grace needed to handle it the way she did.

The one thing that truly angers me about this fandom is their blatant ignorance of her character. For years, time and time again Sansa is painted as the “weak” damsel in distress because she was unable to escape King’s Landing and was unable to physically fight off those who abused her for years. They miss the entire point of her character. She’s not supposed to fight with a sword. She’s not supposed to survive this world using magic. She’s still here without having all that shit at her disposal.

I resonate with her character because as someone who’s grown up in an abusive situation it’s not always possible to leave. It’s not always possible to protect yourself and you need emotional strength everyday just to keep going. And Sansa does. Not only does she survive, she does it all with grace and never lets her abusers sour her the way they try. A key example is Cersei but we will come back to that later.

This meta will be focusing on her arc from the end of season 1 to the early episodes of season 4 so it will get long.

She has to handle the likes of Joffery. Sansa was Joffery’s plaything to torment. He murdered her father, forced her to look at his head and those of her household, and still, Sansa did not break. She’s 13 when all of this begins and instead she looks Joffery in the eyes and tells him perhaps Robb will give her his head.

What happens when she say this? We all know.

In this moment Sansa learned she could not speak out and if she was going to survive, she had to keep her true emotions to herself and continue on. She ends her season 1 arc realizing all that she knew of the world and royalty was a lie and from here this is her ivory stage when season 2 begins.

Can y’all imagine how hard this must have been for her to say? She’s sitting next to the boy who murdered her father and she musters the strength to look Tyrion in the eye and repeat what she has learned with zero emotions behind it. She detaches herself from this moment so that neither her tone nor her expression could be used against her. But anyone with half a brain cell can see right through it. I’m not going to get into this scene as a whole, but even at this age and already everything that’s happened to her she will not let it change who she is.

She stops Joffery from brutally murdering Ser Dontos and finds a way to not only manipulate Joffery, but save a man’s life in the process all at the risk of her own safety. Her kindness never diminishes and that isn’t easy in the face of such horror.

She received regular verbal and emotional abuse from Cersei who enjoyed mocking and terrorizing her just in a different form from her son’s preferable physical abuse.

She must sit with Cersei and play a part of a happy young girl who’s betrothed to a boy who enjoys abusing her and a family who is actively fighting her own. This whole scene is agonizing for Sansa as Cersei reminds her she will do her duty regardless if Joffery murders her brother. As they speak of her family as traitors and Cersei watches Sansa’s every word. She’s on the verge of tears throughout it but does not let them slip and instead continues playing her part. It’s a horrible scene for Sansa but truly amazing at the ability this girl has in moments like this.

The abuse by the hands of the Lannisters doesn’t ease up.

She is taken in the throne room, stripped threatened, and beaten while the whole court watches and does nothing in this moment. She is powerless to stop the abuse and when she is thankfully rescued from further abuse by Tyrion, she keeps her head high and repeats the words.

If I was a 13 year old girl and had just been beaten by a grown man, I sure as shit wouldn’t have been able to speak let alone kept a straight face and walked out with dignity. This is her subtle resistance that no abuse will break her no matter how hard they try.

Continuing with the horrors Sansa is assaulted and nearly gang raped during a riot. That in of itself is completely terrifying and later we see causes Sansa to develop PTSD. But when Shae is tending to her wounds she is not hateful. She has every right to be afraid and angry but she only asks why the the common folk hated her and if she had food to give them, she would have.

She shows compassion even for those who literally attacked her and has no lingering hate for these people. I respect the shit out of that kind of empathy so big in someone so young and again, her kindness towards other isn’t shaken after seeing how ugly the world can be.

She stops Sandor, and says she should have come sooner to thank him for saving her earlier. She challenges his bitter outlook and asks why he’s so hateful. Yes, Sandor has been through some serious shit and it’s turned him into the hateful man he is today. This is why it’s so important that her spirit is not broken even up until this point.

Another moment is when Sansa gets her first period and is immediately terrified by the realization she can now bear children for Joffery. She is just a child here and is already forced to fear womanhood by the patriarchal society that she used to do everything “right” by. Now, it’s no longer the future she dreamed of with Joffery. She doesn’t sit ideally by and skip to Cersei of what has happened. She even attempts to hide it along wit Shae before she is found out and is unable to do anything.

She’s taken to Cersei as Cersei, in her own way, tries to pass on some “womanly wisdom” to Sansa on this day. This is an interesting scene for characters like Cersei and Sansa in their position as queens who’s only talent will be recognized in society for their ability to bear children. I don’t think Cersei is trying to mock Sansa here. I do believe she is trying to teach Sansa the things she has learned over time but, it’s subtle in Sansa’s rejection of this particular piece of “wisdom” “love no one but your children.” We see Sansa hold the importance of family very close to her heart and later on with Jon, Bran, and Arya, Sansa doesn’t hold back in her love for those around her.

Possibly one of my favorite examples of Sansa’s clever wit is when before the siege by Stannis, Joffery calls her over to kiss his blade and further torment her that he she will possibly kiss the blood of Robb off his sword. She subtly manipulates Joffery and even tries to encourage him through the poking of his ego that he should go to vanguard as the most dangerous part of the battle.

It goes right over Joffery’s head and he’s not even aware of what is happening. The only one she cannot fool with her real intentions is Tyrion who time and time again sees Sansa as she plays this part and admires her for this performance.

Unfortunately, as she awaits in the room with Cersei and the rest of the ladies, Cersei is drinking and picks out Sansa to keep her occupied. It’s clear from these scenes Cersei’s resentment towards Sansa comes from how much she sees her former “stupid” self in Sansa. Again, Sansa must play the part with her words that she is praying for Cersei and Joffery.

She’s mocked for praying, called a fool, forced to drink, must endure Cersei’s drunken bitterness of her duties as a queen while she even brings up the possibility of Sansa being raped if the city should fall. Note, Sansa was nearly gang raped just a few episodes before this. Cersei tries to advise of ruling through fear but we see later on in the series that Sansa does not keep this idea as she becomes a woman her people truly respect and want as their ruler. An accomplishment Cersei herself never learned.

Sansa’s kindness is showcased beautifully again when Cersei believes the battle is lost and leaves the room while the ladies began to become very frightened. Remember, these are the same women who sat back and snicker at her, and watch as she is beaten. She’s in the room with the same man who took her father’s head and will kill her too if the battle is lost. What does she do? She reassures these women and calms them with a hyme. Only leaving when Shae tells her to. Showing herself as more of a queen than the queen herself.

When she gets to her room, she finds Sandor. The man she was told to fear. He’s drunken and covered in blood with an offer to come away with him. She’s a 13 year old child alone with a man who openly admits he enjoys killing people. Instead, she looks him in the eyes and tells him “You won’t hurt me.” Sure, he’s shown her some resemblance of kindness in the past but it’s hard for anyone to say what he would do when he’s already defied his king and abandons the battle. But above all Sansa shows courage in this moment.

Season 2 ends with Sansa’s betrothal to Joffery ending when the Tyrells come to KL and she’s unable to hide her joy when she leaves until Littlefinger comes to tell her she still isn’t safe under Joffery’s rule. We won’t get into all of it, but it’s another example of just how much Sansa was constantly in danger while in KL in more ways than one.

Season 3 picks up with Sansa as the target for so many around her. Varys, the Tyrells, Littlefinger, the Lannisters. They all see her as a piece and not a person and she is forced into situations beyond her control. A very, VERY overlooked moment of courage and strength is showcased once again when she has lunch with Margaery and Olenna who’s only point to having her here in the first place is to seek info about Joffery.

She’s probed and probed on the kind of person he is. Remember, she doesn’t know the Tyrells well at all. She’s putting herself at a huge risk if she tells the truth. We see Sansa constantly needing to remember her words because one slip and she’s dead.

But she does go through with it and looks Olenna in the eye when she says Joffery is a monster. That ^^^ took unbelievable courage under the circumstances and I don’t see how fans can miss the weight she was under and how careful she had to be at all times.

Her hope of escape and perhaps a chance at a happy life or, at the very least, somewhat of a happy life are within reach with a betrothal to Ser Loros and it’s taken away just as soon as it appears. Instead, she’s forced to marry a man twice her age and into the family she loathes, who’s only intentions are to still her claim to Winterfell and usurper her ancestral home from under her. She’s left with no choice but to go through with it and she keeps her head high throughout the ceremony. Even after Joffery threatens her with rape and she must await with a drunk Tyrion expecting the night to end with having to sleep with him whether she likes it or not.

She’s 14 during all of this! And it’s amazing just how much Sansa has endured throughout her time in KL.

We end the season with the reaction shot of Sansa after the news of the Red Wedding. She cannot say a word or express any type of grievances towards the death of her mother and brother publicy and she’s still within the clutches of those who were behind it. She’s still married to Tyrion and is still very much the property of the Lannisters. Tyrion knows there is nothing to say to her and walks away.

Season 4 begins with Sansa still greatly affected (and rightfully so) by the aftermath of the Red Wedding. She isn’t eating nor is she sleeping and can only think of the gruesome ways on which her family was brutally murdered. Again, she is 14 and handling all of this completely alone for the most part but what’s extremely resilient of her shows in the next episode when she is confronted by Ser Dontos.

Lastly I want to focus on her last two scenes in KL before Joffery’s death and she is smuggled away.

Her conversation with Ser Dontos and at Joffery’s Wedding.

When Ser Dontos comes to give her the poisoned necklace, he also thanks her for saving his life and I’ve brought this up before but, look at her reaction.

It’s a small, but very important example of Sansa’s kindness. She doesn’t even believe she did anything special and shrugs it off as nothing even though it was a HUGE act of bravery. Especially when compared to how everyone else witnessing the act does nothing but can only look on not wanting to get mixed into the mess or consequences of speaking up.

This reminds me so much of the rest of her siblings who see it as simple decency even if it’s downright fucking heroic of them.

Now the wedding. Joffery’s wedding is anything but pleasant for her. She must sit as Tyrion’s wife while Joffery takes every chance to torment both Tyrion and Sansa. Starting with the big preformece of the war of the five kings parody. One of the performers as Robb Stark. She must watch as her brother’s who’s death is still very, very, fresh be mocked.

She can not say a word but instead looks on at the act with a straight face and is unable to show any signs of pain. That alone is not an easy thing to do. Especially given the circumstances! But she continues to play the part she’s played for years and doesn’t shed a tear.

Her last show of resistance in KL is when Joffery is being especially petty and obnoxious towards Tyrion, forcing him to be his Royal cup bearer as he drops his cup and forces Tyrion to get it from under the table. Sansa breaks this act as she reaches down to hand Tyrion the cup. Subtle, yet open defiance of what Joffery is doing to Tyrion in this moment and she doesn’t even need to say a word.

She’s smuggled away while Joffery is dying and so ends her arc in King’s Landing since her arrival as a young child.

It had been painful for Sansa in so many ways and what I respect is she never loses who she is. She never stops being kind, decent, empathetic, and she never forgets who she is as a Stark. So many have tried to break her down but her inner strength stays true. She grows, damn right. She learned a lot, fuck yeah. But she comes out the other end not bitter nor broken. She’s always been a survivor and as we’ve seen time, and time again that’s not an easy thing for characters in this story. Especially a young girl like her. And I respect the hell out of that and can relate to far more than I could any other character in the series. She’s taught that you can’t always fight those who hurt you, but that doesn’t mean they can win.

Sansa Stark wasn’t ever the girl who was supposed to drop kick her enemies or burn them alive. She was the girl who’s eniemies made a grave mistake turning her skin from porcelain, to ivory to steel and she’s all the better for it.

#Sansa Stark #sansa stark meta

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talesofemerald · 5 years ago

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Tale of the Emerald.

Here is a story of my life so far. The ups and downs of my struggles. I’m not kidding when I say what you read won’t be pretty. I’ve been through literal hell and back more times then I care to count. I hold the scars on my soul, body, and heart as prove.

I will be talking about abuse, child abuse, sexual abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse, depression, suicidal talk will be mentioned. You’ve been warned. My life till now has not been great. But I finally feel free. I finally feel okay enough to talk about my struggles and show how it didn’t break me. I’m still here.

My name is Emerald Cipher. That’s not my dead name nor is it my true last name but I am a person that was a product of two people that honestly should have never had children. My boi father is the definition of a deadbeat dad. He was a drunk, a drug addict, cheated and beat my mother when she was pregnant with me, and left without so much as a word when I was barely two weeks old. Fucked up thing is my dead name he gave me. How do you name a child and then just leave. I’m not a pokemon you can just give to the next trainer and take away the ability to be renamed.

My dead name is Amanda. Sound pretty right?? Sounds so lovely... even has a beautiful meaning. Worthy to be loved, that’s it’s meaning. What a beautiful meaning, what a lovely name. If only that name is something I lived up to.

Shortly after I was born and he left our lives, my mother packed up what we could and we moved around a bit. We settled in Kentucky for a bit and there we met the second man who was a dipshit in my life. My brother’s father. I was six and I already could tell something was off. But, even then I was told by him that if I wanted to be loved I had to earn it.

I had to be good, no making mistakes. No stepping out of line. Yet, nothing I did worked. He smacked me around and treated me less then human when my brother was born. I never took it out on my brother. He didn’t know and I didn’t fully understand what was happening. What was worse he beat my mom and I daily when he was home. There was constant yelling and glass breaking.

I made my first mistake when I was sent outside to play while my brother’s father watched a football game. I was playing on a chair and I rocked the chair back and forth and it fell. My forehead directly landed on a nail. I don’t remember anything beyond the chair rocking and it tipping over. My next memory is being in the hospital with strangers all around me. I can’t see their faces just shadows and lights then nothing. My next memory is being in the house and hearing my brother’s father telling me what mistake I was and how the nail should have killed me.

Time went on and the abuse continued. Finally my mom had enough and in the middle of the night when he stormed out after a particularly bad fight that even dragged me into it. They had been arguing and I had just wanted the screaming to stop. I wanted to protect my brother. In my attempt I smacked my mom’s arm and screamed stop at the top of my lungs. But as soon as my hand struck her I knew I did something terribly wrong, but my brother’s father was just leaning against the wall. He looked at me and said, “Good, do it again.” I was so jarred even at my tiny age of six I was terrified.

That night when he left my mom picked up my brother and I and we ran. We hid at a friends place for a night then to a woman’s shelter for battered women. Eventually he started to go after my mom at her work so we ran again. We became truly homeless durning that time. We drove from kentucky all the way to miami. Some days we didn’t have food, some days we didn’t have anything to drink. Sometimes it was so cold the three of use huddled together in the car to stay warm. Finally we had a home again because my nanny came back from norway to america. She got us a condo and we lived there.

I started to heal and things felt good again. But it was only for a moment, a simple illusion. My brother’s father had followed us. In the eyes of the Kentucky court my mother taking us and running despite the well known abuse. It’s considered abandonment of the marriage and as such the parent has forfeit the children by default. Thankfully he couldn’t take me as I wasn’t his blood daughter. He had no right to me and he never bothered to adopt me. Cops stormed the condo and my brother was ripped from my arms screaming my name as I was held back. I screamed at the cops to give my brother back that this wasn’t fair. I was only a child and they didn’t care. They were simply following orders.

He was gone, and my mom lost the battle in court when the judge simply said, “I’m sorry but rules are rules.” I had my first ptsd/anxiety attack when I was seven. Sitting at the day care playing a game. I guess all that happened started to build up, but I didn’t want to show anything was wrong. So I hid all my emotions. I let them build up in my tiny body. I was just looking at the screen of the tv that I was playing and suddenly pain. Suddenly it felt like a thousand daggers where stabbing my chest over and over. Suddenly I couldn’t breath suddenly everything was to much. I began to cry and beg the adults to help me. They thought I was exaggerating and told me to grow up. It wasn’t until I threw up and started to turn purple did they realize I wasn’t joking. The ambulance came and thankfully a teacher who knew about what happened to my family had been there. She scooped me up and yelled at everyone for not acting sooner. She held me the whole time the EMT came in to figure out was wrong. My mom showed up shortly later. The two of them went with me when I was rushed to the hospital.

My organs were failing and they couldn’t figure out why. I was throw into a shit ton of tests and finally when my mom told them what happened they realize my body was shutting down because it couldn’t handle the stress. Once they figured that out they were able to stabilize my organs till they started to function again on their own. I was in the hospital for a week. A shit ton of cords, tubs, and machines had been hooked up to me to make sure my body wouldn’t start going into failure again.

I was assigned a therapist and realized because I wasn’t outwardly talking about my emotions it was affecting my body. Who knew that keeping everything in could actually kill you....

So life went on and I learned to find a new way to hide my feelings and only show a positive outside. I began to wear mental masks more and more. I didn’t want my mom to be upset because I was upset. She was already struggling and I didn’t want to be bad. I wanted to earn my love so I had to be good.

Time went on and we moved around again this time to the shitty town I lived in from 9 to 19.

I fell in love with a boy in middle school who became my first abuser. While my mom met a man who became my dad and even adopted me. I wanted to be good. I wanted to stay good. I wanted to be loved. I had to earn that love. At first my new dad’s touches didn’t bother me but then when I grew uncomfortable he would tell me, “This is what all normally happy families do.” So I let it happen, I wanted to be normal I wanted to be loved. While that was happening the boy I loved struck my face and told me to never cry. If I cried he’d give me a real reason to cry. He threw me at his friends and had them hurt me but never leave marks. Marks were only allowed by him, because I was his toy.

I smiled on didn’t let anyone know I wasn’t okay. Keep it in don’t cry, earn your love. While this was all going on, I found a way to lash out. I started a gang in my middle school and got into heavy fighting. I would challenged boys who I saw mistreat people and beat the living hell out of them out of school. When they would try to tattle on me the teachers never believed them. I held my mask so perfectly in school. I was the goody goody who always turned in my work, always answered when asked. I jumped when asked to jump. They wouldn’t believe a girl like me could beat up a boy twice my size.

I stopped fighting the day I nearly went to far. I couldn’t step over that line. I cut that side of me off. Smile on the outside keep hiding on the inside. It kept building and building. My next anxiety attack hit me like a train in the middle of church. I was sent to the hospital again and they poked and prodded me. I just let them fix me up as much as they could without answering them about any abuse that was going on. At the time I didn’t even know I was getting abused.

Finally I walked away from the boy I thought I “loved.” He nearly killed me that day. I went to his house which I didn’t know at the time that he was home alone. He pinned me to his wall and tried to rape me. Taking a knife he chased me down when I ran and nearly stabbed when as I got to the door. He pinned me to the ground and held the knife over my heart cutting my skin. He’d cut me before. Glass, blades, nails, he’s made sure I would remember what would happen if I cried. I have the scars from his cuts still today. I laid there shaking but not crying. Couldn’t cry, if I cried he’d hurt me more. Smacking my cheek like he would a dog or a pet he just grinned and said, “Leave and never come back.”

So I didn’t. I never went back to him. I never told anyone what he did to me that day. I had thought at the time I did it! I got away! I even had just gotten into high school and was making a new friend group. I got close with a girl I thought was super smart and kind.

The thing about those who suffer from abuse is most times we keep falling into abusers. We run from one and end up in the arms of another. I might have gotten aways from my physical abuser but now I ran into a mental abuser. With in three years the friend group I built up was gone. I started to become bulimic because of her and my mom’s words how if I was just a little thinner I would be so pretty. My “friend” would say, “You’re lucky you have such a nice face, too bad you’re so stupid.” She torn down my self esteem until nothing was left. I was nothing without her. I wasn’t smart, nor did I deserve to think I was smart unless she told me I was. I wasn’t allowed to make friends she didn’t know. If I did she would tell them, “Why are you friends with someone so dumb?”

While I continued this friendship my father was still doing things to me. All the while using the lie, “This is what normal families do.” I just wanted a normal family. My mother was going insane around this time. Screaming at me because I didn’t do things she liked or wanted. I was into anime and she wanted me to like live tv. I hated reality tv and she wanted me to like ‘real shows’ like reality tv.

“Why can’t you just be normal?” She would only get things I liked if I was “good enough.” I always had to earn anything I had. She’d scream at me and even broke my door and dragged me out of the house trying to kick me out, when I was 16. My dad protected me from her but continued touching me. I was in a weird place thinking my dad was great but why does he do this to me?

I have to be good. I have to earn my love. I have to be worthy of love.

Finally when I was 24 I was able to leave my shitty abusive friend after she very nearly tried to throw me in jail for false charges of physical abuse. She had gotten her friends to send razor blades to my mail boxes and even nearly got me kicked out of college.

When she was gone I realized as I sat in my tiny tiny room in the shitty way too expensive apartment, she convinced me to share with her, that there wasn’t anything of the real me left. I had lived my life being everything everyone else wanted. I didn’t actually have likes of my own outside of the ones people told me to like. That night I also almost took my own life.

Failing, I woke up the next day and decided I wouldn’t let anyone ever tell me what to do again. I would reinvent myself. It was a struggle and it was hard. I nearly tired to take my life again several times to get here. But, in time I finally got away fro my shitty parents. I now am loved and I don’t have to earn it.

I have friends who like me for me, I don’t have to change myself to be liked simply because I like different things. I freed myself of my dad’s horrible touches. It was hard so so hard at times to do because both my parents tired to mentally abuse me to go back to them. Even threatened to take me away. Take away my car, take away my money, ripe me out of my home. They tried it all.

At 28, I stand here bruised, battered, scarred, and opened the cans of words of my mental healthy. I still struggle with being open. But I do try. I don’t wear the masks any more. I’ve found a religion that fits me and doesn’t make me feel like I don’t fit into the perfect mold everyone wanted me to be in.

I finally walked away from the name that held so much power over me. I rev-invented who I am. I realized I’m not fully female. I’m non binary, and I realized I’m not straight or monogamous. I’m pansexual and polyamrous. I’m proud of who I am now. I’m proud of how far I come and I’m proud of my name.

I am Emerald, a strong stone from the earth. Beaten and battered, sometimes a mess at times but I’m beautiful and I am strong.

This is who I am.

I am free.

#personal #long post #goes over dark shit #my life

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dat-fandom-losertown · 6 years ago

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The Drift Between Us

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Chapter 3: I’ll Do Better

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Hank Anderson x Connor and Gavin Reed x RK900

Pacific Rim AU

Warnings: I think I’m just gonna stop putting swearing as a warning? Cause it’s in literally every single chapter Lmao, Arguments, a moment with PTSD and anxiety

Word Count: 8,739

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Previous <~> Masterlist <~> Next

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“What’s got your panties in a twist this time?” Tina teases with her signature smirk as Gavin sits down next to her at their table.

“Fuck off, Tina.” Gavin shakes his head, knowing that his words don’t have the venom they would if he were to say them to anyone else.

“Aw, come on! You look even more bothered than usual and you’re not gonna tell me what happened?” The woman doesn’t give enough time for him to reply before continuing again. “I have ten bucks in my pocket that says it has to do with the new trainees roaming around.”

“That and Hank fuckin’ Anderson.” He begins around the food in his mouth, “Didn’t even know he could be awake at this hour anymore, let alone be sober enough to pull the ‘my old partner’s the current marshal’ card. I mean, he didn’t use it on me, but I heard him use it on one of the new fuckers.”

“One of the trainees? What’d they do?”

“For once in my life I was just mindin’ my own fuckin’ business, when two newbies come around the corner. Of course, I’m just trying to get to lunch, right? So I plan on just walking around them, but this kid fuckin’ tries to shoulder-check me! And when I didn’t budge he started acting like I started it!”

“So you picked a proper fight?” Tina’s turned towards him now, engrossed in Gavin’s story.

“No! Like I said, I just wanted some fuckin’ food! So I threatened the guy a bit and... gave a warning, you could say. I could immediately tell he had an ego larger than my ass, so I couldn’t just let him walk away, ya know?.”

Another woman’s voice pipes up, “Wait, you said there were two trainees. What about the other one?” Gavin doesn’t know when she got here, but now she’s sitting across from Tina.

“It was the same dude I saw daydreaming in the hall yesterday, and he kept trying to get the other dude to just walk away like the fuckin’ coward he is. He even got the shit beat outta him sometime after dinner yesterday. He was all bandaged up and limping a bit. Anderson rounded the corner before I could even start with him.”

“And you said he was awake, walking around, and sober earlier? Wow.” Tina leans back in her chair. “I’m impressed. That’s the second time this month he’s been sober and calm so early in the day.”

“You think he’s finally coming to terms with whatever happened to him?” Tina’s official partner– Angie? Allie? Amy? Who fuckin’ knows and who fuckin’ cares– asks, sounding genuinely hopeful for the washed up drunkard.

Gavin barks out a harsh laugh, “Nah, there’s no way. His hangover probably just woke him up earlier than normal.”

“What exactly do you have against him, Gav?” the same lady asks.

“What do you mean ‘what do I have against him’? He’s done nothing but sit around on his ass drunk as hell for the past couple of years and no one’s done anything about it because he’s the ‘oh so great Pilot Anderson’ and his fuckin’ bff is the one in charge of this shit hole!” Gavin leans back in his chair with crossed arms, his food already scarfed down and tray empty. “If any of us acted the way he has been for even a month we’d be kicked out of here before we could even pack our stuff! Besides, isn’t he too fuckin’ old to pilot anymore anyway? Why in the hell is he even still here?”

“He’s only barely in his forties you know,” Tina informs patiently, having heard this rant a hundred times over by now, “He started going grey in his early twenties, something about genetics. Can’t imagine the stress and grief helped at all, either.”

“Grief. What could have possibly happened to make him ‘grieve’ for this long? Like, don’t get me wrong, I get it, but it’s been fuckin’ years of this shit. He needs to get it together, ‘cause at this point he’s just dragging us down.”

Gavin lowers his head and averts his eyes, enviously thinking about how he wasn’t ever given the kind of treatment Anderson is given on a daily basis. His face must start looking softer because Tina looks at him with a sort of concern and confusion. He scowls at her and shakes his head with a huff in dismissal.

All throughout training, each pilot is taught that no one can hold back any memories from their partner while in the drift. While that fact was usually used to keep trainees in line since everything they do will be seen by another person eventually, it was true. Mostly. After certain things took place long ago, Gavin accidentally stumbled upon a way to keep memories from whoever was his partner. From the complaints he’s heard in the past, it’s just as uncomfortable for them as it is for him, if not more so. So far, only Tina and her new partner have been able to put up with it more than twice..

The whole point is, no one here truly knows his story. The people who did have either retired, or they were killed in action, or their name is Jeffery Fowler. No one knows what kind of life he had growing up, if he has siblings or not, how long he trained to be a pilot before arriving here; and nobody knows if Gavin’s “pissy, jackass attitude” is a result of something or if that’s just who he is.

Spoiler alert: it’s just how he’s fuckin’ been his entire damn life, and he has no intentions to change any time soon. Even if Gavin wanted to, he doesn’t think he could actually change enough for it to matter, anyway. So fuck it.

“You don’t know what happened!” Tina’s partner sounds thoroughly offended on Anderson’s behalf. She must be newer or more empathetic than he thought. “They said this started right after a particularly big battle with a kaiju, he probably lost family or something!”

“I lost my family and my home when I was 17, and no one’s ever seen me moping around, constantly high as fuck and unable to do my job! ‘Cause heaven knows I wouldn’t get drunk of all things to forget my problems, I still have some self-respect.”

He must have said something wrong because the looks on both women’s faces make him feel like he’s the main attraction of a pity party. He scowls again and is about to snarl out “what?” when Tina finally speaks, albeit softly, as if he, Gavin Reed, a man tougher and more stubborn than the most overcooked jerky, would break.

“You were only 17 when..?”

And just like that, it clicks.

“No, you fucks!” he exaggeratedly rolls his eyes, “I was kicked out by my bitch-ass mother. They haven’t died or anything like that. At least, I don’t think they have…”

Both women relax, Tina already going back to her almost finished meal as if nothing happened, knowing full well that they weren’t going to get anything else out of Gavin for the rest of the week. However, her partner seems a bit more adamant on knowing the story, if the look in her eye is anything to go by. Just as she’s about to open her mouth, Gavin abruptly stands up. It’s time to get the hell outta dodge.

“Well, as much as I’d like to say it was a pleasure talking to you asshats, I can’t.” Tina’s smirk is enough to let Gavin know that she knows he’s just messing around now. “Don’t have a sucky ass day, I guess. Or do, I’m not your fuckin’ parent.” He promptly turns with his empty tray in hand and leaves the food court area after putting everything in their designated places.

Whenever Gavin gets worked up, going to the gym usually helps. Growing up, the only way he learned to deal with his short temper was to let it out through physical exertion. When he was younger, that meant getting into fights and punching walls until he felt calm and safer to be around again. Now, though, it means going to the gym and showing anyone else who may be in there how it’s done. Not only does he feel better about himself– contrary to popular belief, punching the nearest person or thing had never done well for his conscience after all was said and done– he also gets some of the best scores in fighting skill from his admittedly excessive training. To be completely honest, those high scores are probably the only thing keeping him here at this point.

Gavin takes his sweet, precious time getting to the gym. He meanders through the endless, reinforced halls until he gets to his room. They placed him right across from Tina’s room since she’s the only one who can tolerate him and is the only one Gavin doesn’t regularly want to deck in the throat. Even though she has an official partner now, that girl’s still relatively new and Tina is a better match in the drift for Gavin than anyone else is. Now that he thinks about it, he may not be able to slack off like Anderson, but he can admit that the higher-ups of this place have done a lot more to keep him here than they likely would have for anyone else. Not even he had to do “intern work” for Fowler during his first week of training, and it’s that one assbag’s second day here and he’s already managed to fuck it up.

He changes into his work out clothes quickly and grabs the wraps for his hands. He puts them on expertly on the way, having gone through the wrapping process much more often than anyone he knows has. Gavin’s about to turn into the gym when he hears the voice of that daydreaming coward coming from around the corner.

“Connor, would you stop your whining. Do you want what happened today in class to happen again?”

Gavin quickly backtracks to hide behind one of the support beams on the wall. He wants to know what happened during their class, because he has a feeling it has to do with how fucked up the guy was this morning.

“No I don’t,” the same voice replies? Is he talking to himself? Is this another case of Fight Club? “But we just got told to lie down and relax today since our hands are too bruised to hold pens. I don’t think it’s wise to go in there in case–”

“–In case we’re found here while this injured, I know.” Well, it’s definitely not the same person, since there were clearly two voices talking over each other just then. “You’ve said that only a million times now. We’re allowed to be in here, we just won’t be using the equipment.”

Gavin takes a chance to lean his head out and look at whoever is talking. He immediately recognises daydreamer on the left by the light grey shirt he’s wearing, which means his identical twin is wearing the black shirt. The doppelganger– apparently named Connor– looks slightly worse off than his twin.

These pilot wannabes just got here recently, right? So they must have been paired up for the initial evaluation and roughed each other up good. Maybe the twink-looking asshole isn’t a coward at all. Maybe the dude is just confident that he could win in a fight against Gavin. Although, that doesn’t explain why he was so certain that Gavin could win against that other fucker– was it Alex?– in a brawl just earlier. Maybe it’s more of an “You can’t beat me, but you can win against him” kinda deal.

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum both enter the gym, still continuing on with their conversation about morals and finding loopholes within rules and orders, and Gavin takes that as his cue to follow them inside.

•◊•◊•◊•◊•

“I still think we shouldn’t hold back around the instructors. They’re here to evaluate us, right?” Connor asks, still very much concerned about hiding things from the people who are above them in rank.

It’s just that, what if they get caught holding back and are punished for it? Connor doesn’t even want to think about the times that had happened while training with Amanda, let alone repeat it. He knows logically that Luther wouldn’t dream of doing something like that to his students, but the inconvenient part of Connor’s head is not letting him actually believe it. It’s better to expect the worst and get better results than assume decent results and get blindsided.

“Yes, but if we don’t hold back, then they’ll probably make us graduate much earlier, which means less time to find new partners.” Ritch hisses at him.

Connor just sighs, knowing he’s right but not liking to go behind instructors’ backs, even for something as important to them as this. Ritch likely knows what kind of war is going on in his head right now, which is probably why he’s being much more patient with him than usual today.

“I know you don’t like this, but it’s necessary.”

“I know. You’re right, as always.” Connor relents finally, sitting down in the far corner of the gym where it will be obvious that they’re just sitting there, watching everyone else train and work out. They need to get a feel for how much they should be holding back for now, and how fast they should progress throughout training.

A few minutes pass of silently watching a man on a treadmill, another at a punching bag, and a woman lifting weights before Connor leans over to speak into Ritch’s ear.

“Are we going to match their skill? Or are we going to try going weaker than them?”

“After the show we put on earlier, I don’t think we can pull off playing as much weaker or less skilled than these people without the others becoming suspicious.” he answers immediately, eyes never leaving the tiring man on the treadmill.

Connor nods silently, leaning back into his own space again. It isn’t long until Ritch is leaning over to whisper in his ear, this time.

“Do you see the guy at the punching bag?”

“Yes?” Connor confirms, watching the man go to town on the hanging bag.

His technique is very good, and he has a lot of power behind each punch. It’s obvious that he’s tougher and stronger than he looks, not unlike Ritch and himself. Connor wonders if Ritch is going to suggest matching with him. It wouldn’t be a good idea at all, seeing as how he seems to be at almost the same level as them. Plus, judging by the scars littered around his face and arms, he has real experience in combat, which gives him a leg up on the other trainees.

Actually… That might be Pilot–

“That’s Gavin Reed.” Ritch unknowingly confirms his thought. “He’s trouble, so just try your best to avoid and ignore him. I’ve already run into him twice and both times he’s tried to pick a fight with me.”

That wasn’t what Connor was expecting. He knew the rumors of Gavin Reed being testy and short-tempered, but he’s picking fights with Ritch of all people so soon after their arrival?

“Really? It hasn’t even been 24 hours yet.”

“Yea. The first time he shoulder checked me while I was walking on the correct half of the hallway while he was going the opposite way, and the second time happened just before lunch. Apparently Alex bumped into him but he–” he nods to Gavin “–was adamant on finishing what was started. Mr. Anderson had to come and diffuse the situation.”

Connor turns to face Ritch. “Mr. Anderson was there?”

“Yes.”

“Did he seem okay? He seemed to have a terrible hangover this morning at lunch, and I’m sure any yelling that was happening wasn’t helping.”

Now Ritch turns to him. “Why do you care? He hasn’t been in a jaeger in years. Unless you became much more attached to who he once was than I thought.”

Connor huffs out what could be considered a growl and turns back to Gavin, “Can’t a guy just care about someone else’s health?”

“Not you.” Ritch follows Connor’s gaze, “When you care about someone’s health, it’s one of the first signs that you’re getting attached to someone, and I really don’t believe that Mr. Anderson is someone you should be getting attached to.”

“Why do you think that?” Immediately defensive.

“People talk, and he isn’t–.”

“Just like how they used to talk about us?”

“This is different than us.”

“How so?”

Ritch sharply turns back to his twin, irritation causing his eyebrows to set even lower and his mouth to thin. “Look, I don’t give a damn about who you imprint on or whatever anymore. I am trying to help you out here, because unlike the times people have talked about us, what people are saying about Mr. Anderson are all factual and we’ve both seen the proof. You need to lay off of him because not everyone feels the incessant need to not be alone.”

Connor finally allows himself to snap back. “Maybe you’re wrong this time. Yes, he drinks and he’s a miserable human being who doesn’t like other people, but how do we know that just who he is? What if he’s just like how we were way back in the orphanage, where everyone treated us like glass or ruined goods all the time? What if he wants– needs someone to be fuckin’ normal around him for a change to bring him out of his pit, and no one is there?”

“If he wanted someone, he would have found someone. He had plenty of friends before he started this!” Ritch raises his voice from a whisper, and Connor can already tell that this isn’t going to end well, especially since he isn’t willing to roll over and surrender this time.

“We had plenty of friends too, but they just didn’t understand once they found out, huh? They ended up just making things worse until all we had was each other. And there’s the thing! We still had one other person who understood! We had each other! And we’ve never remembered whatever trauma we’ve been through! He remembers it probably like it was yesterday and he is completely alone!”

“This isn’t a fairy tale, Connor! This is real life, and in real life you can’t just swoop in and save the depressed, rumored suicidal alcoholic through the magical power of friendship!”

“I don’t plan on saving anyone!” Connor shouts. The entire room becomes silent all of a sudden. He takes that moment to take a breath and continue at a normal speaking volume, “This is what you and everyone else don’t understand. I don’t want to save or fix people! I just want them to realize that there’s still hope for a somewhat normal life after their entire world shifted on its axis!” Connor takes another breath, recognizing that the three people in the room are no longer hiding the fact that they’re listening to him.

“I know I’ve said before that people can’t ‘fix’ or ‘save’ other people. They can only ever offer hope and a sense of normality among the chaos and hope that person finds enough of their own strength to fix themselves. And go ahead and make fun of me for being ‘naive’ or whatever you want. This is what I’ve always thought and this is the one thing I will not let anyone change about me. Now, I’m going to go take a nap. Enjoy your people watching.”

With that, Connor calmly makes his way across the gym area, a contradiction to the anger showing on his face and burning in his chest. He needs to calm down, and the best way to do that is to curl up in a calm, quiet place. He nods a silent greeting to the supposed troublemaker, Gavin Reed, on his way towards the door. Mostly to spite Ritch, but also because the guy had a really good form and the strength to back it up, and that deserves some kind of acknowledgement in Connor’s opinion.

Connor vaguely hears his name being called by Ritch as he steps out of the gym area, and normally that would be enough to make him pause, which then gives him think over the argument. Nine times out of ten, during this process of thinking things over, his brain somehow convinces himself that the entire fight was his fault and the person won’t ever forgive him. This time, though, he doesn’t pause. He doesn’t give his messed up head a chance to twist things on him. Connor knows he’s right this time, and he’s not going to allow himself to bow down to Ritch about this topic. In this case, bowing down to Ritch would be the equivalent of bowing down to Amanda, and she isn’t here to control him anymore.

No matter how far Connor was pushed during training as punishments, he never let her think she brainwashed that part of him, and she had not gone easy on him whatsoever.

Call him naive, childish, innocent, too optimistic, whatever. He’s heard all of that and much more and much worse from countless people. He likes to give people the benefit of the doubt, he likes giving people second and sometimes third chances (but only if they truly deserve it, and never a fourth). He likes to think that most people in the world don’t mean to do harm, and if they do they have a reason behind it. This way of thinking is the only thing that keeps him going some days, and on the days he’d temporarily forgotten how to maintain that mindset were the days that not even threats and cruel promises from Amanda could get him out of his bed. Mr. Anderson may have been able to get away with staying in bed most days, but that’s because he was once a decorated jaeger pilot. Connor is barely an official trainee, he can’t afford any more missed time.

“Connor!”

The familiar, gruff voice snaps him out of his thoughts. It doesn’t sound like that’s the first time he’s tried calling Connor, either.

“I apologise Mr. Anderson,” He starts with, turning on his heel quickly to not keep the older man waiting for his full attention a moment longer, “I was a bit lost in my head there for a few moments. I won’t let it happen again.”

Mr. Anderson makes a face that falls between scowling and confusion, “Must’ve been deeper in there than you thought ‘cause this ain’t close to any place you’d be needed.”

Looking around, he’s right. Connor doesn’t recognise these walls at all. There are different pipes and the floors are a slightly different texture than the rougher, more worn down metal or concrete of the other places he’s seen. He’s definitely in a bunker area, though, just not anywhere he’s been before, which means he’s probably in the area meant for more experienced pilots. Their bunkers are placed closest to the jaeger loading docks for faster take off. Connor must have taken a wrong turn at some point, still not completely used to this place’s layout.

It was probably for the best, though, since the first place Ritch would surely check for him is their room (especially since he claimed that he was going to take a nap), and he doesn’t want a repeat of what happened in the gym nor a chance to apologize to his brother for the sake of ending the fight. Both options are equally possible at this moment, so plan “get back to the dorm to calm down in the quiet” changes to plan “avoid Ritch while finding a good place to calm down in”.

“Fucks sake, Connor!” Mr. Anderson calls again, once more sounding like that wasn’t the first thing he’s said to the younger man since he had zoned out.

Connor immediately tenses, not liking when people start raising their voices at him, and snaps out of his thoughts again. Here he is, causing problems and inconveniences for people again, just like the fuck up he’s been lately. He needs to find a calm, peaceful place to relax sooner rather than later; he can’t be in public any longer like this.

“I’m sorry,” Connor takes a step back, then another, all while curling into himself, “I must have taken a wrong turn, I apologize for taking up your time,” He takes a few more steps back, not lifting his gaze from the ground, “I’m sorry, I’ll leave now. Sorry again–” Connor finishes weakly and darts out of the area, giving Mr. Anderson no chance to say anything to him.

He tries to force his head to stay in the real world so he can actually register where is and find out where he’s going, but it’s slowly getting more difficult. He speed walks through the huge jaeger storage room, easily dodging all of the busy people moving about and doing their jobs. After a particular quick change in direction to avoid the woman with her nose in her clipboard, Connor is painfully aware that his leg is still throbbing from this morning, despite the painkillers he was given.

At the reminder of the training room, he quickly finds a safe spot to stand in then checks the time. He hadn’t realised how much time has passed since lunch, and he isn’t sure how long of the past hour and a half was spent in the gym people watching and how much of it was spent wandering around aimlessly. He supposes it doesn’t matter at the moment. What does matter is that the training room should be empty by now, since everyone should be taking the written part of the exam so they can get a break from the physical exertion.

Connor eventually makes it to the vacant room successfully. No one else tried to stop him or talk to him. No one else seemed to take any particular note of him at all. There was no sign of Mr. Anderson, Gavin Reed, or Ritch that he’d been able to find. He should be safe here.

The first thing he does when he enters the room is find the best spot to spend over an hour in. He decides to camp in the left corner of the room, leaning against the wall the doorway he entered from is on. A minute or so of sitting and bouncing his leg and tapping his fingers pass before Connor decides to do some stretching. Yoga has always been his guilty pleasure and one of the few things that calmed him down completely. Besides, Amanda never complained about him being more flexible during fights. She said it complimented Ritch’s more solid technique.

Why does every little thing bounce back to her? Stop that. She’s gone now, so stop thinking about her. Stop thinking…

He isn’t sure when he fell asleep, but he knows he’s been in the Child’s Pose for a fair amount of time, if the pin pricks in his calves and feet and the ache rising in his knees and lower back have anything to say about that. With a quiet grunt, he rolls onto his back and straightens out his body, trying to stretch out all of the aching joints and muscles. Connor doesn’t think it would be as bad if it was his entire body that ached, because then it would be easier to ignore it and move on.

“Oh shit. Connor, what are you doing in here?” North asks, making Connor jump.

Connor should have realized that he wasn’t alone in the room. With how tired he was, and still is, there’s no way he would have woken up on his own while the sun was still up.

Connor notes the random sounds of concern and confusion and the footsteps growing closer to him. He decides to go with sarcasm and humor, rather than the blunt truth. He’s already caused enough inconveniences today, and he knows this group well enough to know that they won’t somehow be offended by it.

“Oh, you know. Just doing yoga. I don’t recommend falling asleep in the middle of a pose though…” Connor fails to cover a groan as he sits up. His legs have gotten a bit better, but his back and ankles certainly haven’t yet. “Yea, definitely not the best position to fall asleep in.”

Markus offers a hand to lift him up to his feet, and Connor gladly takes it. “Why are you doing yoga in here of all places? If you don’t mind my asking, of course.”

“I didn’t even know you did yoga,” Josh jumps in.

Connor elects to ignore Markus’ question for the time being, “It’s always been a guilty pleasure of mine, and once my… Once the person who was taking care of me and Ritch figured out I was doing yoga in my spare time instead of doing extra studying, she didn’t actively try to stop me.” He starts leaning and twisting his torso in different directions to try to stretch his back, grimacing at how it pulls at some of the bandages and injuries on his torso. “She actually said that my flexibility and fluidity in fights complimented Ritch’s more rigid and solid form.”

“Jesus,” Simon breathes out, “The way you and Ritch describe– Amanda was it?” Connor nods, “Makes it seem like she wasn’t your stepmother at all.”

One would think that Connor would learn to think before replying.

“That’s because she really wasn’t.” He finally straightens up for good, his back better, now. “I think she only adopted us because we said we wanted to become jaeger pilots when we grew up. Well, I did, anyway.” Connor adds that last part softly, massaging his left palm with his right thumb.

“Wait,” Josh blurts, “You said her name was Amanda?”

“Yes?” Why does Josh look like he’s found the missing last piece to a 500 part jigsaw puzzle?

“Amanda, as in, Amanda Stern? Do you share her last name?”

Seeing how everyone’s eyes light up confuses Connor even more. He’s definitely missing something here.

“Yes? Have you met her before or know somebody else who has?”

“Have we met her!?” North suddenly exclaims, “Are you kidding me!? Only a small group of people have met her, everyone else just knows of her and her work! She’s a fucking legend among the jaeger pilot and special forces trainers! She always trains the best fighters! No wonder you two are so far out of our league! Especially if you’ve been in her care for so long!”

“I didn’t realise she was popular.”

“She’s more than just popular. She’s downright famous within the jaeger and military community.” Simon corrects.

“I’m actually shocked you didn’t know. Did you never question what those gatherings were, as you and Ritch call them?” Josh asks.

“Uh, no? Asking particularly dumb questions usually meant more work the next day for us, so neither of us wanted to ask. We just knew that wealthy people came over for conversation and drinks and we had to stay out of the way unless sought out and spoken to.”

Markus seems to snap out of his silent contemplation then. “More work for asking dumb questions. A life wearing nothing but uniforms and sleepwear, little to no toys and electronics growing up despite her having the funds for more than enough. That mixed with how you guys are pretty much soldiers already and claim to have learned most of it on your own… She does not sound like someone who deserves the high praise she gets. It all sounds questionable at best.”

“I mean… I guess? But she was only trying to get us used to following orders and stuff so we wouldn’t get in trouble here.” Right? “I don’t think she wasn’t a bad person? She just liked having things a certain way and was very determined to get it that way. We just weren’t good enough pilots for her in the beginning, is all. She was very nice and pleasant to us when we did something right, and always was to other people, too.”

Whatever Markus is thinking, Simon catches on too. Maybe they have the telepathy thing that Connor and Ritch have, too. “Were you and Ritch holding back this morning?”

Connor doesn’t know where this is going, but he doesn’t like it.

“What do you mean? We were told to go all out so we could be evaluated properly.”

“That’s what you were told to do,” Markus puts a kind hand on his shoulder. It’s oddly and undeniably comforting. “But did you actually?”

“No. We held back.” Ritch’s voice says from the doorway, having just popped in, “We had to be at least a little more gentle than usual because we were on those thin mats, and not mud or thicker foam like we’re used to. But after seeing everyone else’s skill levels this morning, we decided it would be best to blend in and hold back more.”

“What happened to keeping that hidden? What if Luther and Chloe find out?” Connor steps towards his brother, causing Markus’ hand to fall from his shoulder.

“I see no reason to hide that from this group in particular.” Ritch remains as stoic and unbothered as always. “They’ve proven themselves to be trustworthy, and at least two of them had already figured it out. It’d be more effort to try to continue hiding it from them.” Connor goes to retort, but Ritch continues, “Why are you getting upset? I thought you wanted to come clean?”

Connor has to curl his hands into fists and clench his jaw to keep the angered words and growls from leaving his mouth. It doesn’t help in the slightest that he never got to properly calm down from the fight earlier. He just fell asleep on the floor.

“What brings you here, Ritch?” he asks calmly, instead.

He rolls his eyes– a thing he would have gotten smacked for if they were still under Amanda’s roof, Connor’s brain supplies. “Well, you kind of stormed out earlier.”

“That generally means that person doesn’t want to be in the other’s presence anymore.”

“Oh would you stop being a child for two seconds and come with me to eat dinner. You need to eat and we can finish talking then.”

Connor sharply looks to the side. “I’ll be there in a few. Go ahead without me.” He continues as Ritch opens his mouth to say something, “And if you just stay here and wait for me I will purposely skip dinner and breakfast tomorrow. And you know I’ve lasted longer without food before and it won’t faze me.”

“And you know it won’t faze me either.”

“Won’t it?” Connor usually lasted just over three days without food before giving in during Amanda’s “survival evaluations”. Ritch only lasted one and a half on average.

There’s a heavy, tense silence where Connor is painfully aware of the other four’s presence, and that they have no clue what to make of this or how to handle it. Thankfully, Ritch caves first with a sigh.

“Fine then, but I don’t want you near Mr. Anderson.”

Connor clenches his fists and law. “Good thing you’re not my guardian or superior then.”

“He is, though. Your superior.”

“And he hasn’t kicked me off of his table yet. And don’t even claim that he could be letting me stay just to be polite or whatever. We both know he isn’t like that.”

Another silence, less tense and much shorter this time, though. Yet it’s broken by Ritch’s sigh once more.

“Fine.” He snaps, shaking his head, “It’s your life, your downfall, your embarrassment, and your panic attack when he comes to dislike you.” He turns around and starts walking out of the room. He doesn’t pause as he calls over his shoulder, “Don’t come crying to me this time. This will be all your doing, and I am not your guardian.”

“Wasn’t going to.” the other half calls back.

Well that was a disaster. Well, not so much of a disaster as a wreckage of notable size. Here Connor was, thinking that it would be himself that would ruin his relationship with Markus, North, Josh, and Simon, but oh no. No, it was going to be Ritch that destroyed it in the end. That robotic asshat.

Well, time to do some damage control.

“I am so sorry you guys had to see that–”

“Are you two like this all the time?” Josh interrupts.

His question makes him freeze and stumble over his previous thought. Why would he care how he and Ritch act around one another?

“Yes and no? I mean, when we’re not talking business, we’re either doing our own thing and leaving each other alone or training together, but our arguments don’t usually last this long. It’s usually solved one way or another by now.” Connor takes a deep breath, and finally relaxes his fists and stature, not realizing he was tense for a fight. He turns to the group that is now cautious, not unlike treading on eggshells, but not treating him as if he were delicate or unpredictable. More like unsteady, if he was forced to choose a word. “You guys know how siblings are, after all. This will pass.”

No one says or indicates anything. Are siblings not usually like this?

Markus takes a step forward. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but were you and Ritch pitted against each other often?”

Connor almost considers leaving the room right then, making use of the out he was given. He’s been talking way too much today, anyway; he feels the way his throat is getting hoarse with how much he’s been using his voice. On top of that, he just doesn’t want to go into detail about their training. He doesn’t want their opinions of him or Ritch to change because of what they’ve done in the past. Although, if his twin didn’t feel like waiting until they were alone to continue their dispute, then why should Connor spare him of this?

“I was under the impression that everyone fought against their partner in order to train. It helps both trainees’ styles to be either complementary to one another or near identical, and it helps them think in similar or complementary ways during battles, too. Did you guys not spar against each other regularly?”

“There’s a difference between sparring against your partner and being pitted against them, Connor.” North responds this time, uncharacteristically subdued.

“Well, yes, I suppose so…” There are so many regrets right now. After this, he’s just not going to talk anymore. It’s not worth it.

Simon takes a slow step forward, watching his reaction, “Stop me if I’m going too far, but were you guys ever told to fight with the intentions to harm or subdue each other, rather than just to train? ‘Cause that is usually considered illeg–”

–hand in his hair, boot digging into his back. He can’t breathe, he may as well be drowning on the mud he’s being pushed into–

“No.” he says with a sharp shake of his head. Whether it’s an answer to Simon’s question or a reaction to his thoughts, not even Connor himself knows.

–he takes the knife from his leg, wincing and hissing as it tears through–

No.

–loses his grip, causing him to be pinned again. He can’t move his arm. Why can’t he move his arm?–

No, no no no no no–

–it’s cold in summer..? Why is my vision so blurry? Wait, why am I alone now? No, wait! Don’t leave me! Please! I’ll do better! I promise I’ll do bet–

“Connor?!”

Connor finally snaps out of it with a small gasp, realizing that his vision really is getting blurry, but for a different reason. Crying is extremely disgraceful and impolite, especially in front of others. You have to be on your best behavior in front of people, and crying and curling up on the ground is not good behavior. He straightens up and forcibly relaxes his posture, using a single knuckle to wipe the threatening tears in the corners of his eyes. It’s now that he realizes he was beginning to hyperventilate. He needs a minute to be alone and calm himself, but he doesn’t want to be left alone. He really doesn’t want to be left alone–

Ah, but he isn’t alone right now and they won’t be leaving him, he can distantly hear them telling him that right now. Maybe there’s a chance they won’t completely avoid him in the near future. Although, for now, he needs to be fine, and his small group of allies certainly don’t see him as fine right now. He needs to calm down. He’s making a fool of himself in front of them. He needs to reassure them that he’s fine. He’ll be fine. He’ll definitely be fine–

“Connor, I’m so sorry.”

“No, it wasn’t your fault. I apologize for the way I reacted just then.” Manners are key, especially when forced to cut a conversation short. He bows his head with practiced grace, “And to answer your question, no, we weren’t ever told to fight each other with such an intent. Honestly. It– ah– we weren’t technically against each other…” He looks up at the clock on the wall; it’s nearly dinner time. “Ah, you guys came in here earlier for a reason and I just keep getting in the way. My apologies.” Markus opens his mouth to speak, but Connor doesn’t give him time. “Thank you for keeping me company, though.”

“Connor, I’m sorry for asking–”

No no no. Can’t think of that. Don’t think. It never happened. It was just a bad dream. Just think of it as a bad dream. Ritch said it would help. Amanda may lie, but Ritch doesn’t. Does he?

“No no, you’re quite alright. You didn’t know, it wasn’t your fault. It’s natural for people to be curious, and it really wasn’t that bad. I simply have a habit of over reacting to things.” Connor tries to make his following laugh sound genuine, but falls short. “Well, I should go now. Dinner will be starting soon and you still have business to attend to. I’ll see you guys later if you’re interested.”

Connor finally manages to shuffle out of the room, but he never makes it to dinner that night, even if he told Ritch he would. Despite what he just claimed, he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to talk to them again. People hate when others are large burdens, and that’s exactly what he’s becoming for them. He thought he could be better with fresh, new faces, but apparently it doesn’t work that way. It’s not how it works. It won’t ever be how it works, so it’s better to just leave them alone and let them have peace.

Ritch was right. He probably needs to start leaving Mr. Anderson alone. He understands now. Maybe he can still sit there to be alone? But why would he stay here at the base just to be alone? If he can’t even handle getting casual friends, how will he ever find a partner? And Connor’s replaceable in a way the ex-pilot is not, so they would not be nearly as patient with him.

Does that mean he needs to quit after all? What could he even do if not this? What would Ritch do? Connor’s the reason he’s even here in the first place. He’s the reason Ritch will be stuck in a life style he never particularly wanted growing up. Why can’t Connor ever do anything right? Everyone is right, he’s too naive, too childish, too quick to get too deep into things. It needs to stop. He’ll pack his things tomorrow and tell the instructors about all of this and he’ll be gone by tomorrow evening or the next morning, whenever Ritch isn’t around. If Ritch finds out he’ll definitely blame Connor and make him stay with him as payback or something. Connor can’t stay, though. He’s useless.

His room’s door opens with a creek, causing Connor to instinctively curl into himself, but he forces himself to relax and slow his breathing. If Ritch thinks he’s asleep when he gets back, he’ll leave him alone. With every footstep, adrenaline rushes through Connor. He’s distantly aware that he’s being like this because he’s afraid Ritch is going to pop out of nowhere and confront him, knowing he won’t have the energy to fight back now. They’ve been arguing all day and a good chunk of yesterday too, it’d only make sense for Ritch to try something like that.

Instead of doing so, though, Connor simply changes into sleeping clothes and climbs into bed. The main light was never turned on, so the room has been coated in darkness from the start. After some time of resting, though, there’s the creak of the door, then a click accompanied by a soft, yellow light flooding the room. It stays on for a long while before Connor hears Ritch shifting around again. This time, the other twin climbs out of the lower bunk and sounds like he’s about to put on his real clothes again, but pauses in the process.

“Connor.” The man in question can hear the stern frown in Ritch’s voice. He uses all of his self control to not stiffen because of it, but it apparently wasn’t good enough. “Connor, I know you’re up. Why didn’t you eat?” that same stern frown is likely still on his face.

Connor doesn’t move, hoping that if he keeps up the act and ignores his racing heart, Ritch will convince himself that he was just seeing things. He knows it’s not a realistic thing to hope for, but still.

“Connor, even if you weren’t up before, I know you would be by now. Why weren’t you in the food court? The others were.”

No response. He remembers what he said before in the training room, he doesn’t want to talk to anyone anymore. It just makes things worse. Besides, his throat is still a bit scratchy.

“Fine. Be a child. I don’t care. I’m not putting up with this shit anymore.”

No, wait, please don’t leave. I take it back, I’ll get better at talking so I can do it without messing up, like you can. I’ll teach myself how to respond better so I don’t have to worry about making things worse anymore. I’m sorry. I don’t want you to hate me. I don’t want anyone to hate me. I don’t want to be alone again. Please–

“Connor?” Soft footsteps creep closer. “Are you crying?” If Connor didn’t know better, he’d almost say that Ritch sounded concerned.

Before responding, he takes a shaky breath so he can speak without too many tremors in his voice. “I’m not crying.” Another, shorter breath. “It’s impolite and childish, especially in front of people.” The next breath is shakier, and definitely a give away that he’s slowly failing his attempt at not crying. “I’m fine. You need rest.”

“Connor–”

“You’re not my guardian. You don’t need to babysit me. Just let me self destruct like you said you would. It’s not even anything serious. Goodnight.” Just because his sleep schedule is going to be completely ruined, doesn’t mean Ritch’s has to be as well.

“Connor…”

He doesn’t respond.

There’s a shuffle of Ritch sitting down on the bed as he asks, “Did they ask more questions?”

“Yes, but you were there for them.” Maybe he’ll let him go to sleep if he plays along.

“Was that the only thing they asked?”

Connor sighs, annoyed. “Yes.”

“What did they ask?”

Connor finally makes himself sit up. “Ritch, I just said–”

“Connor.” If a tone of voice could paralyze, Connor wouldn’t even be able to blink.

He sighs again, this time in defeat. “If I tell you, would you let me sleep?”

“Depends on if what I’m told and if it’s a lie or not.”

Connor hesitates.

“...if I promise to tell the truth, will you leave me alone?”

“Depends on what the truth is.”

“Then no.”

Ritch jumps up from where he sat on his lower bunk. “Connor! I swear to god–”

“They brought it up, okay? God, are you happy now?”

“Brought what up, Connor? Use your words–”

“It.” he snarls, “They asked a question that made me think of when it happened. And I know you aren’t as affected by it as I am, but I can’t handle anything like you can. I just can’t...” Connor finally lets himself fall back down on his bed in a desperate attempt to hide the silent tears that are finally falling.

This time, Ritch is the one that doesn’t have a response. Good. Let him think about when it happened. Let him suffer just like Connor was trying to avoid because he’s a nosy prick.

Ritch heaves a deep sigh. “I’m sorry. I can talk to them about it tomorrow, try to calm them down. They’re probably very worried about you or both of us now.”

Connor grunts. They probably should be worried, but he knows that leaving things as they are now would only make things worse for himself in the long run.

“Connor.” Another grunt. “Please try to eat something tomorrow. I’ll talk to Luther to see if you can take tomorrow off. I’m sure he’ll understand.”

“I’m not a child anymore.” he grumbles.

“No, you’re not.” he agrees softly.

Another grunt, this time followed by a heavy sigh. He won’t be getting that break. Even if he did get it, the chances of him being put in the danger zone of being sent home are more likely than most of the other trainees. If he can’t even handle being here for two days without becoming so completely and utterly useless, then what business does he have trying to be a fully-fledged pilot? None, that’s the answer.

He is distantly aware that Ritch has started trying to talk to him again, but Connor really just wants to go to sleep and forget about today, and so he does. He assumes his twin goes to bed soon after he did, though, because when he tries to wake Connor up for breakfast the next morning, he appears to be well rested. No obvious dark circles or bags under his eyes, no sluggish movements, his eyes clear. That’s good. Ritch will do just fine here. He knows how to talk like a normal human being and responds to others well. He’ll definitely find a new partner in no time.

Ritch walks out the door. Connor almost tries to get up to get ready for class, then figures that if he’s actually going to quit soon, then he may as well just stay put. Therefore, he’s still in bed by the time breakfast ends and the first class begins. No one tries to come get him. He’s not surprised, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still sting. He tries to convince himself that it’s just because Ritch told everyone that he needs a day off, but, if anything, that makes the sting in his chest worse for some reason.

He’ll try going in after lunch, after he’s had some time to settle down a bit.

After deciding on that, he goes to his dresser drawer and pulls out the small bottle of strong sleeping essential oil that Ritch and Amanda have no clue he has, let alone needs often enough for it to maybe be unhealthy. Here, he has it stuffed in the back of his dresser-locker under some clothes. He rubs a bit of it onto his foot then pulls a sock on because he doesn’t want that horrendous smell getting all over his sheets. His head doesn’t even quite make it onto the pillow properly before he’s out like a light.

Sleeping means no thinking, and no thinking means no stressing, after all, and that oil does a damn good job at knocking people out.

•◊•◊•◊•◊•

Previous <~> Masterlist <~> Next

•◊•◊•◊•◊•

A/N: Hey guys! Sorry about the long wait! I promise future updates won’t take this long! I’m just in the middle of a move and life kinda bitch slapped me outta no where there for a hot minute, but I think things are going better now. The next update probably won’t be as soon as I want it to be, but y’all won’t have to wait four months again Lol. Thank you to anyone who stuck around this long, despite me being new Heheh 😄 Thank you for reading and I hoped y’all didn’t hate it!! I absolutely promise that next chapter will be filled with lots of comfort and fluff!! 😄💖💕

#reed900 #gavin reed x rk900 #reed900 fanfic #reed900 fanfiction #reed900 au #hankcon #hankcon fanfiction #hank x connor #hannor fanfic #hannor fanfiction #dbh #dbh fanfic #dbh fanfiction #hannor au #hankcon au #slow burn #pacific rim!au #The Drift Between Us #Chapter 3

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janiedean · 6 years ago

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“Can’t wait till these two children’s cartoon characters fuck” yeah not creepy at all

Today, I will talk to y’all about what’s honestly one of the creepiest questions that has haunted me since I was twelve years old, specifically: how the fuck can people ever have thought that Born in the USA is a patriotic song in 1984 and how can’t they still understand it now?

Honestly, I have no idea, and in this essay I will walk you through it so it’s exceedingly and clearly explained how it’s in no way, shape or form a mindlessly patriotic song but, on the contrary, is a sharp, angry, vitriolic satire which criticizes the US government and its stance on the Vietnam war to Hell and back.

youtube

Born in the USA is the title song of the eponymous 1984 record which turned my good old pal Bruce into a world superstar, but it had originally been written for 1982′s acoustic masterpiece Nebraska. It was then reworked into an electrical version whose music is probably what makes people thing it’s patriotic since it sounds happy and singing-inducing, except that if you listen to the original:

youtube

You can notice that the famous one is just the upbeat version of the hauntingly, frankly anxiety-inducing acoustic that does certainly not work to sing out loud, but admittedly isn’t as good to sing in a stadium.

After having made this clear, we can finally move on into analyzing the lyrics.

The song opens with:

Born down in a dead man’s townThe first kick I took was when I hit the groundYou end up like a dog that’s been beat too much‘Til you spend half your life just coverin’ up

Now, here we have the first iconic question of this evening, as in: how in the hell a song that opens with born down in a dead man’s town // the first kick I took was when I hit the ground can ever be taken for mindless praising/patriotism?

I have no fucking clue except for ‘people only listen to the refrain’. Anyhow, from this opening which is literally a kick in the teeth we learn that a) the narrator was born in a dead man’s town ie somewhere small without many options nor many people, b) his life has been shit since the early beginning since the first kick he took was when he hit the ground, which is fortified by the following two lines in which he compares himself to a ‘dog who’s been beat to much until he spends half his life just covering up’, a sentence that makes a hell of a lot more sense if you listen to the rest of what he has to say later.

For now, we have the immortal refrain:

Born in the U.S.AI was born in the U.S.AI was born in the U.S.ABorn in the U.S.A

In which the narrator informs us where he comes from, except that if we take the first stanza into account… the USA don’t sound really idyllic, now, don’t we?

Anyway, stanza two:

Got in a little hometown jamSo they put a rifle in my handSent me off to a foreign landTo go and kill the yellow man

And here we can finally see what’s the problem: our guy is a Vietnam veteran. However, things aren’t so easy. What we surmise from these short, extremely packed with information lines, is that:

the narrator wasn’t drafted;

the narrator was coerced into going by a method that was pretty common back in the day - people who ended up in bar fights or such altercations were given the choice of going to jail or go to Vietnam and of course if they had to support a family/needed money they’d pick Vietnam, but it’s still coercion and he certainly didn’t want to go;

which is why he says they put a rifle in my hand - it’s they running the action, not him;

and they also sent me off to a foreign land ie they/the army sent him to a place he doesn’t know (foreign) to go and kill the yellow man (vietcong) even if he didn’t want to.

And then we’re again informed that he was born in the USA, and that means he a) was born in a crappy place, b) was sent to Vietnam for a menial fight (a little hometown jam), c) was sent to kill people when he didn’t want to by higher powers who give zero shits about him.

Doesn’t seem like a compliment to me.

However, there’s more!

Come back home to the refineryHiring man says “Son if it was up to me”Went down to see my V.A. manHe said “Son, don’t you understand”

Our narrator comes back home to the refinery (compare with what I said before in the Youngstown analysis - that one also went to Vietnam and came back to a job at the steel mill he didn’t have anymore, so they both had highly stressful jobs that would take a toll on their health sooner rather than later) and the hiring man doesn’t hire him and shrugs like hey I wish I could but I can’t. So he goes to the VA who asks, don’t you understand, which in this case means that there’s no place for him in this context.

Which ties to the fact that Vietnam veterans were treated like shit and generally ignored because the war was lost and people didn’t want to think about it, except that at the same time they were the first to actually vocally come together and ask for help and actually they were the first who recognized the importance of treating PTSD and ran free clinics in which also WWII and Korea veterans could come for treatment, but hey, let’s send people to fight wars we know we’re losing and then let’s not help them, why not?

But no, son, don’t you understand.

And then he informs us again that he’s born in the USA, a country where after being sent to war without wanting to he’s not wanted anymore after he comes back.

The bridge, though, gives us even more interesting info:

I had a brother at Khe Sanh fighting off the Viet CongThey’re still there, he’s all goneHe had a woman he loved in SaigonI got a picture of him in her arms now

This stanza has an inane amount of info we can unpack in a handy checklist:

the narrator wasn’t the only person in his family to go - he had a brother in Vietnam, too;

the brother not only died but most likely died during the khe sahn battle which is admittedly one of the fucking dumbest decisions ever taken by the US military in their entire history and which was a defeat from the US even if they don’t like to admit it and prefer the ‘withdrawn’ excuse, which places him at the most recognizable and famous point of the Vietnam war for the casual listener/student;

the viet cong he and his brother fought are still there, he died, so = the US lost the war;

BUT the brother was in love with a Vietnamese woman (in love ie a serious thing) and the narrator has a picture of the two of them together, which suggests that neither he nor his brother hold the Vietnamese any ill-will and actually most probably dislike the US government more than the people they were supposed to fight.

We have no refrain after that, just the solo, but I don’t think he needs to say again how he was born in the USA for us to assume that when he says that, he’s being extremely sarcastic and not proud of it whatsoever.

Anyhow, we’re finally at the last stanza:

Down in the shadow of the penitentiaryOut by the gas fires of the refineryI’m ten years burning down the roadNowhere to run ain’t got nowhere to go

Again showing how good he is at packing info in a short space while providing the listeners with info about how it sucks for his character, he paints a fairly bleak picture with two lines: the shadow of the penitentiary suggests how he comes close to being arrested and the out by the gas fires of the refinery suggests that he’s out there inhaling the toxic gas but not working there, so he’s basically left to himself without any help.

Also, he’s ten years burning down the road, which means that he’s been back for that long and no one’s helped him since then, and then he has nowhere to run and nowhere to go, so even if he wanted to leave, he literally can’t because he has no other option than his dead man’s town (most likely because he doesn’t have the means and the money and he most likely has untreated ptsd, so he’s stuck there), and that is how his country left him. And now the last refrain changes:

Born in the U.S.A., I was born in the U.S.A.Born in the U.S.A., I’m a long gone daddy in the U.S.A.Born in the U.S.A., born in the U.S.A.Born in the U.S.A., I’m a cool rocking daddy in the U.S.A.

Because now not only he’s born in the USA, but we also know that he has a kid (I’m a long gone daddy + cool rocking daddy) and both definitions contrast with each other - long gone is the exact contrary of cool rocking, which suggests that the latter is as sarcastic as the rest of the refrain (the long gone pairs exceedingly well with the ten years burning down the road) and if we take LONG GONE at his word, he hasn’t seen his kid in ages because he can’t work or has ptsd or both.

So hey, being born in the USA for the narrator meant:

being left without options except the refinery in his town if he wanted to work;

being sent against his will to vietnam;

losing a brother in there, too;

(also, out of the two of them, the brother ie the one who found love there died while he who has nothing in either ‘nam or the US survived);

losing his job;

being rejected by everyone including most likely his family/his child;

being left on his own even by the VA as in the office supposed to help him;

risking going to jail;

being unable to change his situation or crawl out of it because all of those circumstances make sure he can’t literally do it;

all this while he’s probably hearing rhetoric about how great his country is everywhere.

So, that is why the refrain is not mindless patriotism but pure vitriol - it’s like, ‘hey, if you listened to the thing, everything sucks but hey, I was told being born in the USA is great so hey, I WAS! AMAZING, RIGHT? /sarcasm’, not ‘OH MY GOD HOW GREAT THE US IS I LOVE IT UNCRITICALLY’.

Admittedly, the fact that Ronald Reagan thought it was a patriotic song that might resonate with his audience:

youtube

Shows exactly all the reasons why Reagan was a complete idiot without a shred of text comprehension, and too bad people remember Reagan’s opinion more than the mythical, amazing, unreachable slam Bruce gave that speech not long later:

TLDR: this is not a song about mindless patriotic US drivel and it’d be frankly obvious from basically listening to the lyrics, but then again listening to the lyrics is the same thing as reading something with a modicum of using your brain, and from what I see reading while using 0,05% of someone’s brain capacity on tumblr is basically asking for the impossible.

Anyhow, I think anon’s time would be better spent thinking about how creepy is it that I see people on youtube commenting on American Skin (41 Shots) with ‘omg Springsteen is a leftist now I’ll go burn my copy of BITUSA’ when it’d be obvious from that song that his politics haven’t changed from then than about how people shipping things is apparently creepy.

:’)

#bruce springsteen for ts #anon hate saga #lmao #have another #I HAD SO MUCH FUN!#pls send me more dumb anon hate for more bruce essays #i'll be glad to provide :))))))#Anonymous #ask post #bruce meta

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