#and to be clear there is nothing wrong with mike state of mental health..

[chirpsythismorning]

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Who Can It Be Now? by Men At Work

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[thoughtfullyyoungduck]

You messed with my heart too long

A/N: I posted this anonymously on ao3, but I’m really proud of writing this so decided to post it on here as well. Please, please let me know what you think, it would mean the world to me. 

Summary: When Richie accidentally burns his food right at the same time as Eddie arrives home, he fears he's in for a verbal beat down. He's used to that thank to his ex-boyfriend, who mentally and emotionally abused him before Richie realized what he was doing to him. Once Eddie works out what is happening, he is quick to assure Richie he would never treat him in the same manner.

Warnings!: mental abuse, mentions of physical abuse and Bev’s abusive ex, Richie thinks Eddie going to react badly (he doesn’t but he still thinks about it) 

read on AO3

Richie, in all fairness, has never had any confidence in any way, shape or form. He’s not sure why that is. His mom and dad were good, loving parents that indulged into his secret little hobby’s, and when Richie at age 24, a fresh college drop-out, told his parents he was going to take a gamble and try to make it as a comedian, they supported him wholeheartedly. Of course, they were a little disappointed that he never got a degree in case things in the comedy field didn’t work out, but they were convinced of Richie’s talent. They were truly the best parents anyone could ever wish for, at least in Richie’s mind.

The losers were also nothing if not supportive towards him, though they had been long gone before Richie turned 24. They made fun of him sometimes, on the occasions where a joke ran too far or failed miserably, but they also made sure that Richie knew how much they adored him in reality.

Beside from getting scolded at every now and again by Eddie or Stan, about his hygiene or lack of self-awareness, they also never tried to change him to fit their wants. For some unknown, nonsensical reason, they liked Richie with his flaws and all.

Truly, Richie has no inkling as to where his insecurities came from, but he does know that he never let them stop him from doing anything when he was still friends with the losers. Quite the opposite even, if he got nervous about performing in front of his class, he would loudly ask to go first, laughing boisterously and slouching against the teachers desks, pretending like the activity wasn’t even a blip on his radar. When Henry’s taunt would hit a particular soft spot, and Richie felt the urge to sulk or mope, he’d double down on the thing Henry found annoying, and get a bloody nose for his troubles.

He fought hard to be ready to perform in front of people that weren’t the losers or his parents, and the losers departing from Derry just made that worse. With the losers, he felt confident enough to try and be himself, without them, he saw himself as useless in every sense. His very first live performance sucked, and in retrospect he’s really glad none of the losers were present because within five minutes of walking on the stage, he had forgotten his lines and threw up in full sight of the audience.

If his mother hadn’t persuaded him into trying again a few months later, and that one actually working out, Richie ‘Trashmouth’ Tozier would have been buried before it began.

But that was before all the progress Richie made in all the years he’s been doing comedy. Despite having the occasional setback, he mostly outgrew throwing up before an act, and he could objectively look at himself in the mirror and conclude that he wasn’t the most hideous person the world had ever had the displeasure of seeing.

In fact, according to people on his twitter page, he was being described as hot and possessing a form of appeal that drew people in. He didn’t find himself good looking by any means, but there was a huge difference between hating everything about himself, and accepting that he was not as hideous as the beast from the Disney fairy tales he was a big fan of as a kid.

And then, in the prime of his mental health, he had met David, and every ounce of self-worth faltered like snow under the burning scorch of the sun. It only took five weeks for David to absolutely destroy the very thing Richie had toiled at for over twenty years.

David was his first boyfriend, who he met just shortly before his thirtieth birthday, and he took more than advantage of that. The first night they first laid eyes on each other, after one of Richie’s shows, David had walked up to him at a bar and promptly declared his show was absolute shit.

Normally Richie would feel hurt by these comments and would pretend to brush them off as if they were never uttered, but something about the way he said it caused Richie to laugh so hard he snorted part of his beer through his nose. It wasn’t until he saw Eddie with Bill and Mike at Jade the Orient ten years later, that his quarter fell. In the beginning, David had reminded him of Eddie. It wasn’t until much later that it became clear David’s intentions were not as innocents as Eddie’s.

Richie assumed the guy was pulling his pants, because who would dedicate their time to flat out insult someone they had never met, and so he had greeted him and bought him another beer. David wasn’t particularly funny, and he never laughed at Richie’s jokes throughout the night either, but he was very eloquent and could keep up with Richie’s conversation topics, though he always seemed to be able to turn and twist the subject so that it gave away another one of his qualities.

By the end of the night Richie never expected to hear from him again, and he was okay with that. His conversation partner had been interesting, but not to the point where Richie wanted to know everything about him or see him again.

David felt otherwise, as thanks to a mutual friend of theirs, he’d found Richie’s number, and when he texted him to ask him on a date, Richie had been too thrilled that someone was interested in him to containplat if he even wanted to go.

That same day the date took place, David had granted himself the title of boyfriend, and Richie went right along with him. They never officially verbally agreed to date, but they held hands and David slept over most nights then not, and his mother got so happy that she saw him with someone that things progressed naturally.

At first, Richie didn’t notice that David was influencing him in a negative way. He only had one close friend, Steve, who was simultaneously also his manager, and he constantly praised David for making Richie a changed man. Because Steve saw it as something positive, so did Richie.

His voice got progressively stiller, as David would ream at him multiple times a day that he was annoying everyone around them with his booming voice, and that he was an attention-seeker who would do anything to get the limelight on him. Richie practiced his voices less and less when David started to critic every aspect of them every time he would overhear him. It got worse once they started living together full time.

‘Hey Rich, no voices? Come on I want to know if you’ve improved over the years, let us hear it.’

He cut off all fatty foods when David glanced at his plate and grimaced, asking if he was really going to eat everything on the plate. He didn’t say it in so many words, but Richie could connect the dots that led him to believe David found him too fat. Lying became a sort of second nature to Richie, as he dared to eat a small pack of chips when David was away, and deluded him the next day by stating he hadn’t eaten any. Sometimes, at times where David thought Richie was away, he would observe him going through their trash to catch Richie in the lie. He’d fight tooth and nail to deny the accusation, and never admitted to it.

David complained just about everything Richie did, including the way he held his towel whilst drying the dishes, ‘For god sake Richie don’t rumple up, hold it in your palm and open it up so you can get to the surface more.’ When Richie tried to joke that David’s way didn’t necessarily mean the best way, he’d yelled that Richie was an ungrateful bastard and that if he had to do it his way because the way he was doing it was useless.

Useless, that was a word Richie learned to associate with himself as whatever he did would get dragged down by David, until there was barely any Richie left. Once again Richie began getting stage fright, worse than when he was a child, and on one evening David witnessed his total bomb of a show, and told Richie he had pretended he didn’t know him to the people watching. That hit so hard, the fact that someone was disgusted to be linked to him, that he stopped writing his own comedy and hired someone to do it for him.

There was so much negativity surrounding him and David, but when Richie tried to address his problems, David would make him seem like he was the one that was crazy. Like he was seeing things that were not there. David rolled his eyes and waved off any of Richie’s attempts to defend himself, but then denied doing it after the fact.

‘You’re a loser Richie, I can’t believe you’d be so stupid to take my ribs seriously. Aren’t you supposed to be a ‘comedian’? You’d think you’d know what’s a joke and what isn’t.’

A can of coke being set down too hard on their dinner table was enough to get David off of the couch, where he’d been watching football and ordering him around, and into the kitchen, striking a tirade that Richie was ruining their furniture with his fumbling. Richie was constantly on edge that he was doing something wrong - and he was according to David -. He avoided David as much as he could, but the latter would find something to fault him on regardless. Life had transformed into a prison cell.

Later Richie would scold himself for not leaving, but how could he? David manipulated him to the point Richie truly believed he was doing all of those things wrong, to the point where he was the one crying and begging for David’s forgiveness. He was gaslighted, manipulated and blackmailed at the same time, with gifts that weren’t a one-off after Dacid crossed a line too far, and they often contained a very expensive item that Richie had eagerly awaited for a long time. Richie felt like he owed it to David to stay, if only for all the money he had spent on him.

There were days Richie would get so furious he was prepared to scream back at David, to let his anger be set free and unleashed upon the one person who deserved it, but then David would show up with a gift out of the blue, or would grant him a loving caress, and Richie was gone for him again.

Not to mention that Richie’s self-esteem had sunk so low, he wasn’t ready to face a world without having David there to guide him along with things.

Barely five months before Mike’s earth shattering phone call, Richie ran out of all mental capacity to deal with the torment a moment longer, and packed his things, disappearing on a cold blistering night. David called him, of course, but Richie was a coward, and never answered the phone.

He only sent David one text to tell him it was over, and then promptly blocked his number without waiting for a response. He heard from gossip that David spread lies about him, and told other people about how much of a terrible boyfriend he had been, but Richie never objected to the claims. He agreed with him anyway.

Mike’s call had been, for a large proportion anyway, a saving grace. Reconnecting with his best friends and destroying the thing that loomed over him for so long was liberating, and Richie viciously wished that Pennywise had come back sooner, so that his tortures road would have been that much shorter.

There was no lingering bitterness inside of Richie because of this though, not when his life was finally in the best possible place it could be. Eddie and him got their heads out of their asses, or more like Eddie got out of his and decided to yet again be the brave one out of the two of them, and they started dating almost immediately after defeating Pennywise. In only a week's time, Eddie made the move from New York to Los Angeles, and with him he had brought the happiness Richie had long forgotten he could ever possess.

His marriage with Myra had been just as much a scam as the relationship between Richie and David, and his divorce was swift - no surprise there with the way Eddie always prepared for every possible scenario-, but Eddie almost always avoided talking about it. In a way, Richie was disheartened by that.

It was no secret Eddie married a woman that was basically a mirror image of his mom, and at times Richie caught himself wondering if Eddie had realized how smothering she was or if he had been so hunkering for the normality of life as a straight, married man that he never paid her enough attention too. He wonders if he was the only one stupid enough to not realize the gravity of what was happening to him.

Richie has debated on flat out asking Eddie about it, but, and there’s always a but, that would mean he would have to tell Eddie about David, and he is overcome with a rare form of anxiety, something deeply ashamed nestling in the place where his trust is supposed to be at the mere idea.

Swearing on the holy turtle god that managed to save them from Pennywise’s claws, Richie was originally planning on confessing the whole thing to Eddie on day one of their relationship. He truly was, and he had even conjured up humorous escape alternatives to duck his way under a fire load of questions Eddie was surely about to ask him after.

He even prepared himself to tell Eddie in Derry, right after overhearing Eddie’s phone call to his wife, feeling empowered that Eddie would come to understand. Bev interrupted before he could, perhaps a blessing in disguise. Before Eddie fully put down his phone, Bev had sweeped in the room, requesting a meeting downstairs to talk. Richie had been helpless to follow and listen intently, and if he was being honest with himself – he wasn’t – he felt a tiny bit of relief that he wouldn’t be subjected to any negative attention. Until Bev started to confess how her life had been before Mike called them.

All at once, a sickening hatred from himself overwhelmed Richie. He was so angry that he had dared to feel sorry about himself, and here Bev was, with a situation that was incomparably worse. The more details Bev entrusted them with – Richie may have promised to never kill anyone again, but he an exception could be made - the more Richie’s food from a few hours before threatened to choke him, and not even Eddie’s cream smoothed hand holding his distracted him.

Near the end, after they’d progressed from such an melancholically topic and began drinking away the booze in their hotel, Richie had drawn Bev’s attention with a call of her name, to either make her smile or to assure her that she wasn’t alone, Stan send him a withering look, as if to warn him not to open his mouth. Stan’s assumption was fair, it was in Richie’s nature to find humor in places there shouldn’t be, and he had no idea about Richie’s past to think otherwise. Still, every time Richie considered telling Eddie, the look flashed in his mind and sewed his mouth shut.

Not telling Eddie hasn’t impacted things the way Richie had predicted it would. Really, Richie was doing fine. Eddie chastised Richie on certain things, but Richie didn’t freak out or experience any sort of flashback. He would be given a peck on his forehead, or a hand running through his hair, and he’d know that Eddie was never mad at him. It was the littlest details that had Richie out of his mind with love, that highlighted just how different Eddie and David were.

By now, Richie had decided he was fine with not telling Eddie anything about David, and the extra weight of keeping something a secret was his boyfriend was just another fee to carry around with him. But life always throws a curveball Richie Tozier’s way when he has finally made plans.

This curve ball comes in the form of soup. A horrendous chicken soup that Eddie cooked up two days in advance, an experiment of different herbs that clashed into a symphony of flavors all competing to be the primary flavor. There are two things to know about Eddie as a cook. Number one is that he is not an impressive cook – and it’s not for the lack of trying - but Richie doesn’t mind. Eating food that doesn’t please his taste buds but getting Eddie in return for it is a fair deal in Richie’s books.

The second thing to note is that Eddie is a lazy cook. He turns the kitchen into a battlefield of different sauces, with jars a million different pots and pans skewed across the stove and no more room to place anything else left. It’s gotten to the point that whenever Eddie is in charge of cooking, they will not even put their dinner on a plate anymore, but instead leave it in whatever it’s made in, because it eliminates dishes to wash. That’s what starts the mess that day in first place.

Richie isn’t an idiot. Yes, he can be dense at times, and when it comes to loving Eddie he’s more than a bit moronic, but he’s not stupid. He’s had to survive on his own – and with someone who didn’t lift a finger - for a long time, thus there was no other way. He’s aware of the danger of putting a metal bowl in the microwave, and how it can cause the metal to heat up and start a fire, and therefor has never been stupid enough to try it. But today, Richie is stressed.

Steve has been calling him all day to try and persuade him into doing an interview for a magazine, and no matter how many times, how loud or agitated Richie says no, Steve still insists. Richie paces annoyed towards his fridge phone locked between his shoulder and ear, so he can take out the metal bowl of soup with his hands, and place it in their microwave without a second thought.

‘Steve I don’t care how much publicity you think it will get me, I don’t want to do it,’ Richie mutters, turning around with his back towards the warming soup. The consistent arguing with Steve has his teeth grinding, his shoulders tense and his anxiety sparked.

Eddie is still out for work, but it’s closing at five pm, the time he ensures he’s at home, and Richie thinks he can hear his car driving up into the gravel parking lot. The absence of his boyfriend is about to be filled, and Steve is yapping away in his ear, not content to admit defeat just yet, it’s maddening.

‘Steve… Steve listen to me, don’t get your panties up in a twist, I have to go. Don’t book the interview. I won’t take any part in it.’ His denial doesn’t put a stop to Steve’s yapping, but at that point Richie is over his nagging. He pinches the bridge of his nose and utters; ’Okay nice chat’, and hangs up without waiting for a response back.

He lets the phone clatter on top of their kitchen surface and says that Steve got the message, if only for the rest of the day. His phone doesn’t vibrate again, leading Richie to assume he has won this round. He can’t help but lean forward so far his head rests against the cold tiles of the kitchen counter, just sighing for one long, extended breath. A night in on the couch with Eddie spooning him has never allured him so much. His back cracks with a satisfying pop as he readjusts his body, and he groans in gratifications.

Their alarm dings loudly in the open concept kitchen, a warning that someone has just entered their driveway. Richie doesn’t need to go look to know that it’s Eddie and his large, black suv, but he wants to anyway. He’s about to walk towards the front door to greet Eddie like he’s a pet that has been waiting anxiously for its owners return – and some would describe him in the same manner - when the air fills with smoke and a rancid smell. It’s barely detectable at first, nothing more but an insentient odor that is unpleasant but not resolute and easy to ignore. But then actual smoke begins to wash it’s way around Richie, and he has a split second of blissful unknowingness left, until the problem dawns on him.

Richie follows the smoke trail, and is shocked to find their microwave steaming and actually crackling, like it’s on the verge of exploding. It probably is. Still, it’s nothing compared to the cluster bomb of fumes that spread throughout the room when Richie actually opens the microwave door and gets slapped in the face with the enormity. It’s a surprise that their smoke detector has yet to erupt.

Instantly, his airways fill up smoke, prickling his cough reflection so tremendously he doubles over in extortion. The coughs rattle his body in a painful manner, his chest and back start to hurt from the brutal movements and the fact that he can’t grasp fresh air no matter how wide he opens his mouth. Objectively, Richie should understand it can get a lot worse - their smoke detector hasn’t gone off, and there are no flames to accompany the smoke and therefore turn their house into a major safety hazard - but a panic he hasn’t felt since David has shut down his logical thinking skills.

A key is slotted into their keyhole, and it turns a first time to leave. Eddie is about to open the door, in give or take in about a minute – it always drags out because despite living here for give or take two years, Eddie still can’t remember this lock unlatches via the left side and not the right – and walk in on an absolute shit show that Richie’s engendered.

So far there was indication, no sign that hinted to Richie he still had leftover, undealt trauma left from his time hanging around David, but now, his only thought revolving around how mad Eddie is going to be, how much trouble he’ll be in once Eddie sees everything, he starting to realize he might not be as over things as he originally believed.

He ignores the way his lung burn, and reaches forward to grab the pot – with fogged over glasses rendering him blind - protection less, not even grabbing the oven mitts to provide some shelter for the warmth. He can’t comprehend how dangerous that is, can only focus on the red lights blaring in his mind, telling him he needs to get rid of the evidence before Eddie gets here and unleashes hell upon him.

Unfortunately, he’s too late. A door unlocks and Eddie enters the house. His feet pad on their wooden floor, brazen and fast, like he’s been waiting for a shot at grilling Richie and he can sense his opportunity to do so has arrived – the motion is so un-Eddie Richie dismissed it as absurd then and there, but a seed of doubt remains -.

With time, Richie comes to learn how to listen to the different footsteps, and he can now recognize who’s walking towards him and in what kind of mood they find themselves in, without taking one look at the person's face.

Eddie’s footsteps, after every work day, drag across their floor, as if a thousand pound weight has been added to his back. The bottom of his shoes wear out a lot faster than Richie’s do, and it drives Eddie nuts because out of the two of them, he’s the one that treats his material objects neater than Richie.

Richie’s always delighted to notice how light his footsteps get after just a few minutes spent with him or the losers.

Now, he is too scared to pick up on such little details. His palms tingle unpleasantly, the boiling liquid burning them more with each second he hangs on. He stands in the middle of their kitchen like a fool, turning his body every which way and letting his eyes dart out an escape plan. The smoke is nowhere near gone, and there’s too much of it for Richie to open a window and it to be blown away. Eddie’s going to notice, there’s no way he can’t.

‘Richie, you won’t believe what this imbecile Josh did at work today. I swear, I don’t understand how some people can get fucking hired sometimes.’

Eddie trudges into the kitchen, his suit wrinkled from a long day of frantically working on a report that should have been finished by some other incompetent coworker. The groves in his face are more prominent today, acquired by the years of unhappiness he experienced with Myra, the ages of his life cut off by the shock of Pennywise's return and the occasional busy work day his job supplies him with.

A nausea craters in Richie's stomach, filled with guilt for turning Eddie’s night off into a stressful event that requires a ton of clean up. Eddie stops dead in his tracks when he notices the mess, his mouth slips shut, the word dying on his tongue.

He’s waiting for Eddie’s frown to deepen, for his lips to cresting into a fury. He’s waiting for the waterfall of insults that will be hurled at his head, each one meaner than the last, honing in on his deepest insecurities and having them exploited because Eddie’s so angry he’ll do anything to strike a verbal blow. And it’ll be worse now, because it’s Eddie. It’s the love of his life doing it now, the one’s approval he seeks most.

Eddie’s the person that knows him inside and out and knows exactly what boundaries to push and prod out to crack Richie open from head to toe. He waits for all that, with his hand still clamped around the bowl of burning hot soup, scorching his palms – by this point, Richie is sure there will be blisters by the time he finally unclasps his grip.

Eddie’s frown does deepen, but it’s not out of anger. ‘Rich, be careful you’ll hurt yourself.’ Richie doesn’t let go, but holds onto the sides of the bowl tighter. Part of him wants him to experience the pain, to let what he did sink in like David’s words always did.

‘Richie’, Eddie says startlingly firm. He’s not trying to approach Richie or the bowl, but he’s capturing Richie’s attention just by his firm voice. ‘Put it down.’

Richie drops the bowl of soup, watching helplessly as it splatters all over their freshly painted walls and the ground. Out of the corner of his eye a flat glob of liquid drips down the wall, dirtying a whole line down to the floor. Richie cringes, his heart beating so fast he could swear it’s about to jump out of his chest, and his mind a mantra of ‘look what you did, look what you did, look what you did.’

‘Fuck Richie, did you burn it?’

And Richie knows he’s caught. He was, up to two seconds ago, holding the evidence right in his hands, but he’s so petrified logic is not operating in his brain at the moment. The only thing he can focus on with great clarity, is that he’s willing to try anything to get him out of a verbal tear down.

‘No..’, he tapers off at the end, leaving his statement much more alike a question than he would have preferred. Eddie raises one eyebrow suspiciously, pointily averting his gaze towards the smoke floating around them.

‘No?’ He asks back equally confused, head tilted to the side. Richie can feel his throat closing up in panic, bracing himself for an onslaught. He doesn’t foresee Eddie’s nurturing and concerned approach. ‘Let me take a look at your hands’, Eddie murmurs tenderly.

It’s technically nothing new, the way Eddie treats him. After Neibolt and Richie’s big coming out, Eddie commenced all his vacation days and flew Richie all the way to Hawaii, for the pure intention of getting him away from any and all consequences. He’d allowed Richie to eat what he desired - within reason of course, there was no way Eddie was allowing Richie to eat pizza at 8 am-, waisted their days sitting by the pool and indulged in Richie unchancy pranks - one of which ended up with Eddie scrubbing out blue glitter out of his hair. Eddie had been kind then, so it shouldn’t be surprising he is in this situation.

It doesn’t take away the fear Richie is left with. David had good days too, days that he was the perfect boyfriend, but that would never last long, and Richie is left to speculate if it’ll be the same thing with Eddie.

Maybe it’ll be hidden in a secret message, maybe Eddie is busy hatching a plan that will utterly deploy Richie from the inside out. Eddie’s hands are gently skimming over Richie’s palms, inspecting the damage without irritating the skin even more. ‘It doesn’t seem like it’s bad. It hurts right?’

‘Yeah’, Richie croaks when he figures out the question isn’t rhetorical. He isn’t sure at the moment why that’s supposed to be good.

Eddie tips forward, stretching up higher so he can kiss Richie’s forehead tenderly. Against his skin he explains. ‘That means the burn isn’t too deep, but hold it under the water still.’

‘No but you know what does go deep?’

‘Nothing if you don’t treat your burns,’ Eddie teases with a smirk. He gently ushers Richie closer to their faucet, and holds his own palm under the stream of water, twiddling with the different temperature taps until he finds one that he deems just lukewarm enough to allow Richie’s hand under it.

The smoke in the air remains unspoken about. It’s almost as if Richie is more important than a potential house fire to Eddie, but that’s absurd. Not only because this is the house that both of them felt was the right one, and subsequently paid a lot of money for, but also because Richie isn’t that special. He’s not even trying to be condensing towards himself, because he truly believes that.

‘How did you manage to do this huh? Idiot.’ Eddie jokes while guiding his hand under the water at the correct angle, his salutation gets smoothed over by a hand ruffling his hair. Coincidentally, or perhaps the exact opposite, a part of the stress Richie accumulated falls away when Eddie calls him an idiot. It helps to underline why exactly Eddie will never be like David, why the two aren’t in the same league of each other even.

When Eddie says idiot, it’s a nickname, it’s a middle school jab when Richie runs too fast and trips over his own feet, it’s the symbolic soothing pat on the back he receives after he can get all of the losers to laugh at his humor. It’s their love langue no one understands, It’s Eddie’s way of hiding how deep his adoration goes with a job that’s unusual to others.

David’s condescending tone alone tipped Richie into the deep end, into a cave that echoed his deepest flaws and slammed it into the cavity in his chest every time something didn’t go according to plan. Idiot for David did not mean the same things. For David, idiot was shoving aside Richie’s concerns, it was disinterested in all his quirks and his passive attitude. He meant what he said without sarcasm.

A first tear tracks down Richie’s cheek. ‘Rich?’ Eddie inquires startled. His hand previously stroking Richie’s curls slides towards his elbow in a smooth motion.

Richie tries to tell him it’s okay, that he needs a minute to regroup but that he’s fine, but instead of that he sobs, more tears spilling over with no regards to him uneasy Richie is to cry in front of someone.

‘Richie shit I’m sorry. Does it hurt that bad? Do we need to go to a hospital? We’ll go right now.’

‘No, no hospital,’ Richie waves him off with his injured hands. Eddie leads his hand back without response, tracking his face to see if he gives away anything. Richie had forgotten his hand hurted in the first place, so he definitely didn’t require any treatment beyond what he was doing already. His tears are the result of being overwhelmed by his emotions, and his default response to that is to cry.

‘If you don’t want me to do that, that’s okay you know?’

Because his hand is incapacitated, he wipes his nose on the corner of his shirt, watching as Eddie’s wrinkles his nose at that. Still, even with the disgusting move on Richie’s part, Eddie leans in closer, molding Richie so he fits in the fold between Eddie’s neck and shoulder. There, he resumes his path of caressing Richie’s hair, and kissing his temple. Richie fists one of his hands in the back of Eddie’s shirt, pressing them as intimate as he can.

‘Hey sweetheart, it’s okay. What’s wrong?’

Richie sobs harder, not particularly keen on telling Eddie why he’s this upset. It’s a difficult topic to talk to anyone about, Eddie and the losers included. There were days that Richie twisted his mind to convince himself that it was all in his head. That David was the best boyfriend anyone could ever wish for, and that the tirades he had to endure was just the cost of that. He was afraid he added things in his mind that hadn’t actually taken place and he created his own narrative.

Apprehension held Richie back, dreading what Eddie’s response might be. He could exclaim Richie to be a complainer that should have praised himself lucky to get the abuse he got, or he could say that Richie was a sourpuss, turning a fly into an elephant.

‘Shouldn’t we get rid of the smoke first?’, Richie questions to stall.

‘Later’, Eddie soothes with another kiss to his temple. ‘Talk to me. Please Rich.’

‘There was this guy I used to date, David.’

Eddie’s head shoots up in bewilderment, his brow furrowed. ‘You never told me about him.’

‘Yeah well we never talk about your wife either and I thought that would mean we wouldn’t disclose our previous hang ups.’

‘Ex-wife. Remember Rich? She’s my ex-wife. There’s nobody in the world I would rather be with then with you.’

‘Stop it you bastard,’ Richie sniffles pathetically. ‘You know I can’t deny you anything when you sweet talk me.’

‘That’s the plan.’

Eddie thumbs underneath Richie’s eye socket, brushing in a hypnotic rhythm that ankers him to reality. If Richie nuzzles into Eddie’s palm, then no one else but then needs to know.

Talking about something that brings forth a lot of anxiety goes smoother with closed eyes, Richie’s come to find, so he does that before revealing what he should have revealed a long time ago.

‘He was.. not so kind’, he chuckles humorless. ‘He really thrived when he pointed out everything I did wrong, liked yelling too.’

‘Rich?’

‘Wait let me finish. If I don’t say it now I’ll never get the courage to again.’ He opens his eyes only to see Eddie nod in agreement, and his face starting to tang a bit red.

‘Sometimes I couldn’t even walk right without him being all up in my ass about it. At parties he would gladly tell everyone embarrassing things I did, or he would pretend like he did all the work at home while really he was the one that did nothing. And the way he spoke to me.. like I was a child and he was a teacher or something. And he had this way of saying things so I’d know I was a breath away from being yelled at, but so that he could still claim he never once raised his voice at me. I guess I was scared you were going to do the same thing after seeing what a major fuck up I am. . He kept insisting I didn’t do things good enough, but I was really trying my best. I fucking swear Eds. I can’t help that my best isn’t good enough.’

The repetitive motion that Eddie kept up during his long monologue abruptly ends, and Eddie instead balls his hands up into two fist, pulling away from Richie to lean on the counter. He bounces on his heels, unable to stand still any longer as he is now the one to squeeze his eyes shut.

‘Eddie?’ Richie implores, the panic from before quickly flooding through his bloodstream and entering every part of his body.

Eddie opens his eyes, and something on Richie’s face must give away what he’s experiencing, because he’s quick to assure Richie did nothing wrong. ‘No, shit Richie it’s not you sweetheart. I love you, you did nothing, nothing wrong.’

He pecks Richie on the lips twice, very softly and barely noticeable, almost a goad to get Richie to cram their lips together tighter. For a long moment, they don’t move. Their lips stay hovering just out of reach, and one of Eddie’s palms slide down Richie’s chest down to his belly and up again. It’s an effort for Eddie to try and generate as much love towards Richie as he possibly can, before his resolve breaks and he has to let his resentment for David out in some way.

‘I’m going to kill him.’ Eddie turns away from Richie, but his hand remains on Richie’s stomach, a connection so they don’t separate. His chest puffs up, almost like he’s gearing up to go fight David right now. He would if he got the chance.

‘Spagheddie you don’t have to do that for me. I don’t even own his number anymore.’

‘I don’t care Rich,’ Eddie’s voice trembles but is laced with a deadly amount of venom. ‘He should have never done those things to you. If I ever see him I’ll fucking strangle him with my bare hands.’

‘It’s fine Eds, it wasn’t that bad.’ The denial burns in his chest. He wondered for a long time if he could qualify what he went through as abuse, not because he was actively hoping to label himself as an abuse victim, but because he questioned if what happened to him was worth being this upset over. In conclusion, Richie decreed it wasn’t. Eddie's eyes snap up, burning behind a sheen layer of glass.

‘He never hit me like Bev’s husband did to her.’

‘That doesn’t fucking matter. What happened to Bev is terrible, but that doesn’t make what happened to you any less dire. Both of you were victims of abuse, save for a different kind.’

Are they comparable? If they were talking about another person Richie would say yes, that both leave lasting scars, but because he’s the subject of the question, he can’t say for sure. He’s not lenient enough with himself to allow such a statement to be made. Bev can suffer from the consequences of her abuse, but from Richie’s perspective, he should be over it by now.

‘Oh fuck,’ Eddie curses explicitly, ‘and I called you an idiot. Richie I’m so sorry.’

Eddie’s little crease that only appears when he’s discontent about something appears again, and he avoids eye contact with Richie. There’s no need for any of that. Richie hadn’t even taken that big of a notice about the word. He was reassured Eddie would never use it as a true insult, and even if he wasn’t convinced of that, the tender way Eddie reacts towards him otherwise would be enough to convince him.

‘No Eddie. I don’t mind, really. I don’t want things to change between us because I told you this. I like our banter.’

He finally takes his hand from under the lukewarm water stream, and dries it on his pants -the water, come Eddie’s prediction, has eased the aflame skin -. With both hands now free, Richie cuddles up closer to Eddie, using his arms to tug him closer. Eddie is still dressed in his suit from work - and it might deem handsome, but it is not very comfortable - but has not mentioned getting changed once, too enraptured with taking care of Richie.

‘They won’t if you don’t want to, but we’re making a deal. If I do something that hurts you, you need to tell me, so I can apologize and tell you I didn’t mean any of it. Are we clear?’

‘Aye aye captain. Shall we pinky promise on it?’

‘No, I’d rather kiss on it.’

They do, and this time the kiss progresses further than just a simple peck. Eddie cups Richie’s face in between his palms, a soft, sentimental smile ruining it a little. It doesn’t matter, Richie still greedily savors the moment as it comes.

‘All those times that you went on stage and rocked that whole performance I was already infinitely proud, but shit Richie, now that you’ve told me I’m even prouder. He tore you down but you spit in his face and said fuck no, I’m still going to be my own person. I’ll never let him treat you badly again. More importantly, you’ll never let him do it again. You’re so strong sweetheart.’

Richie sniffs, ‘why the hell are you still being so sappy? I told you everything already, there’s no need to spawn me further.’ He giggles, and Eddie can’t help but chuckle at the sight too, then he turns serious again.

‘Okay, now let me take care of you. I’m going to clean up, hush I am and you’re not going to lift a single finger, and then we’ll order in, watch tv from the bed and cuddle. That sounds good? We can talk about the heavy things in the morning.’ Richie has been through enough for one day.

‘That sounds perfect Eds.’

They let go of each other, but not before Eddie sneaks in a kiss on his forehead, cheek and jaw.

While dating David, Richie never used the word love. He knew, with manipulated affection and all, that he did not love David. Love isn’t supposed to change us, it’s supposed to accept us, makes us laugh and cry at appropriate times, and cocoon us in her warmth. Love doesn’t change us, but it adds something more to the previous person we were yesterday. Eddie adds something more to Richie every single day, be it by teaching him or standing by his side when he messes up. Richie loves Eddie, and he gets loved back equally as fierce.

[deniscollins]

Nursing Homes Oust Unwanted Patients With Claims of Psychosis

What would you do if you were a nursing home employees and your boss tells you to evict unprofitable patients — primarily those who are poor and require extra care — by pouncing on minor outbursts to justify evicting them to emergency rooms or psychiatric hospitals. After the hospitals discharge the patients, often in a matter of hours, you are told to refuse them re-entry: (1) follow orders, (2) refuse to do so, (3) inform government regulators? Why? What are the ethics underlying your decision?

In a New York nursing home, a resident hurled a bingo chip. At a home in Georgia, a 46-year-old woman, paralyzed from the waist down, repeatedly complained that no one had changed her diaper. In a California facility, a patient threw tableware.

In all three cases, the nursing homes cited the incidents as a reason to send the residents to hospitals for psychiatric evaluations — and then to bar them from returning.

Across the United States, nursing homes are looking to get rid of unprofitable patients — primarily those who are poor and require extra care — and pouncing on minor outbursts to justify evicting them to emergency rooms or psychiatric hospitals. After the hospitals discharge the patients, often in a matter of hours, the nursing homes refuse them re-entry, according to court filings, government-funded watchdogs in 16 states, and more than 60 lawyers, nursing home employees and doctors.

The practice at times violates federal laws that restrict nursing homes from abruptly evicting patients.

“Even before the pandemic, there was tremendous pressure to get rid of Medicaid patients, especially those that need high levels of staffing,” said Mike Wasserman, a former chief executive of Rockport Healthcare Services, which manages California’s largest chain of for-profit nursing homes. “The pandemic has basically supercharged that.” He said homes often take advantage of fits of anger to oust patients, claiming they need psychiatric care.

About 70 percent of American nursing homes are for profit. The most lucrative patients are those on short-term rehabilitation stints paid for by private insurers or Medicare, the federal program that insures seniors and people with disabilities. Poor people on longer-term stays are covered by Medicaid, which reimburses nursing homes at a much lower rate than Medicare.

The financial incentive to have more Medicare or privately insured patients, and fewer on Medicaid, becomes more pronounced when the Medicaid patients have illnesses, like dementia, that require extra care from staff.

Nursing homes have faced acute staff shortages as the coronavirus has left employees sick or afraid to go in to work. Workers said they faced increased pressure from their employers during the pandemic to get rid of the most expensive, least lucrative patients.

Invoking psychiatric problems is a popular tool. Nursing homes routinely admit patients with dementia, Alzheimer’s or similar illnesses, and angry outbursts are common.

In March, the Rehabilitation Center of Santa Monica, Calif., sent Joan Rivers, who suffered from dementia and was on Medicaid, to the emergency room at USC Verdugo Hills Hospital. The nursing home’s staff said Ms. Rivers, 87, had tossed aside her chair, scaring other residents, according to her daughter, Evon Smith, and a government-funded watchdog.

Within 24 hours, the hospital cleared her for discharge.

Ms. Smith said that she had repeatedly asked the Rehabilitation Center to take her mother back, but that it had refused. A social worker at Verdugo Hills said she, too, had tried unsuccessfully to get the nursing home to readmit Ms. Rivers.

Linda Taetz, the chief compliance officer at Mariner Health Care, which operates the Rehabilitation Center and 19 other nursing homes in California, said the center hadn’t known that Ms. Rivers wanted to return.

Ms. Rivers eventually was admitted to the Colonial Care Center nursing home in Long Beach, Calif. There, she contracted Covid-19. She died on July 20.

Federal law requires nursing homes to follow strict guidelines when they intend to evict someone: They must give 30 days’ notice and come up with a plan to transfer the resident to a facility that can meet his or her needs. If a resident goes to a hospital, the facility must hold the bed for a week.

But nursing homes frequently flout these rules, according to employees and state-funded ombudsmen who help oversee the industry. The New York Times reported in July that nursing homes were evicting an increasing number of low-income — and therefore low-profitability — residents into homeless shelters and run-down motels, apparently in violation of federal law.

There is no national data on nursing home evictions. The Times contacted ombudsmen in all 50 states. Some said they had not seen nursing homes dumping patients in hospitals during the pandemic. But in 16 states, including California, Texas and New York, ombudsmen said the problem was continuing. Some said they believed it was getting worse.

“We have been seeing these kinds of illegal discharges all the time, because nursing homes seem to have figured out that they will rarely, if ever, be penalized,” said Alison Hirschel, senior legal counsel to the Michigan ombudsman program. “It’s devastating for residents and their families all the time, but especially horrible and dangerous during a pandemic.”

Medicaid patients who require lots of staff attention “have a target on their back,” she said.

The problem predates the pandemic.

Gloria Single was a resident of the Pioneer House nursing home in Sacramento. She had dementia and pulmonary disease and was on California’s version of Medicaid. Pioneer House was receiving about $400 a day for her care.

In 2017, Ms. Single got upset and threw utensils, according to a lawsuit against Pioneer House filed in state court by Ms. Single’s lawyer. The nursing home called 911, and Ms. Single was taken to a hospital for an involuntary psychiatric hold, in which patients are held until they are determined not to be a danger to themselves or others. The hospital determined later that day that there was nothing wrong with Ms. Single aside from her pre-existing dementia.

But Pioneer House would not let her return. The California Department of Health Care Services concluded that Pioneer House had violated the law and ordered it to let her go back. The home still refused. After about five months at the hospital, Ms. Single was moved to another nursing home. She died last year.

“You can get $1,000 extra a day by getting rid of the Gloria Singles of the world and replacing them with someone on Medicare,” said Matthew Borden, Ms. Single’s lawyer.

John Supple, a lawyer for the Retirement Housing Foundation, which operates Pioneer House, said that its medical director had deemed the home unsuitable for Ms. Single’s medical needs and that Pioneer House had never received the medical records it needed to readmit her. (Ms. Single’s lawyer disputes that. The lawsuit is ongoing.) Mr. Supple said Pioneer House had held Ms. Single’s bed for months and had not replaced her with a Medicare patient.

During the pandemic, nursing homes in Illinois and Michigan have repeatedly sent elderly and disabled Medicaid patients to NeuroBehavioral Hospital in Crown Point, Ind., said Kimberly Jackson, a discharge planner at the psychiatric hospital. In one case, a resident who yelled at a staff member was branded as being violent and having a psychotic break.

“The homes seem to be purposely taking symptoms of dementia as evidence of psychosis,” Ms. Jackson said. (Christy Gilbert, the chief operating officer of the hospital’s parent company, said instances when nursing homes dumped patients in her company’s hospitals were “very few and far between.”)

In June, Life Care Center of Plainwell, Mich., sent Nicki Safapour, a Medicaid patient who needs a wheelchair, to NeuroBehavioral Hospital. Because of a developmental disability, Mr. Safapour, 55, has the mental capacity of a 5-year-old, according to his brother John, who is his legal guardian. He said Life Care had told him that Mr. Safapour assaulted an employee and another resident.

A state health inspector later determined that the discharge was illegal, according to a copy of the inspector’s report reviewed by The Times.

“It seemed like they were just trying to get rid of Nicki,” John Safapour said. “He took up a lot of staff time.”

A spokesman for Life Care, Davis Lundy, said that privacy rules prohibited him from discussing Mr. Safapour’s case, but that Life Care had a significant number of residents on Medicaid and that “we never discharge patients based on their payer source.”

The families of some evicted patients have had to take them into their homes, although they lack the training or equipment to care for them.

In June, Connie Rodina got a phone call from the Richmond Healthcare and Rehabilitation Center in Richmond, Kan. Her 63-year-old brother, Jon Fowler, who suffers from mental illness and dementia, had hit another resident. Ms. Rodina, her brother’s guardian, was told that she needed to pick him up immediately.

By the time Ms. Rodina arrived, Mr. Fowler was already being transported to an emergency room. The hospital was ready to discharge him a couple of days later, after treating him for a urinary tract infection. Ms. Rodina said Richmond Healthcare wouldn’t take him back.

“You can’t just put somebody out like that,” said Camille Russell, a regional ombudsman who filed a complaint against the facility with the Kansas Department for Aging and Disability Services. The complaint is pending, she said.

Ms. Rodina couldn’t find another nursing home that would admit Mr. Fowler, who needs near-constant care. After her brother had been in the hospital for weeks, she reluctantly moved him into her home.

“It’s basically taken my life away from me,” Ms. Rodina said. “It’s impossible for me to care for him.”

Representatives of Richmond Healthcare didn’t respond to requests for comment.

In some cases, nursing homes have ignored orders from regulators to take back patients they sent to emergency rooms or psychiatric hospitals.

Charles Borden, a stroke victim with dementia, had been staying at the skilled nursing facility at Tahoe Forest Hospital in Truckee, Calif. Medicaid was covering his long-term stay. But in April, after Mr. Borden elbowed a nursing assistant and cursed at her, the nursing home sent him to the hospital’s emergency room for a psychiatric evaluation.

Within hours, the emergency room cleared Mr. Borden to return to the nursing home. But it wouldn’t take him back, according to court records. (While the nursing home and the main Tahoe Forest hospital share a campus and are owned by the same organization, the nursing home is financially independent from the hospital.)

Later that day, the nursing home dropped off all of Mr. Borden’s possessions at the E.R. and moved another resident into the room that Mr. Borden had shared with his wife, Beverly.

Two days later, on April 22, Mr. Borden’s son appealed the decision to California’s health care agency. It determined that the nursing home was legally required to take Mr. Borden back. The nursing home refused.

The state agency said it had no authority to force the nursing home to let Mr. Borden return, aside from fining it $50 for every day it refused.

Matt Mushet, a lawyer for the nursing home, said it “is committed to the optimal safety of all patients and team members.” He said that he couldn’t comment on Mr. Borden’s case but that “it’s important for the public to understand there is more than one side to this story.”

Mr. Borden has spent the past five months marooned in the hospital. His dementia makes it hard for him to understand what is going on, his son said, but Mr. Borden asks every day to see his wife.

[sumukhcomedy]

Our Next President Will Be Really F***ing Old

In the 2016 U.S. Presidential Election, 70-year-old Donald Trump defeated 69-year-old Hillary Clinton. The subsequent reactions to this result and the nature of the country since then don’t need to be discussed. They play out every day.

But, in the wake of it all, Democrats were preparing themselves for 2020. They knew they needed to line up a candidate to defeat Donald Trump and most have posed that as a top reason to vote for them as the primaries play out.

What we’ve also seen since the 2016 election is plenty of debate over generational issues: Baby Boomers blaming Millennials, Millennials blaming Baby Boomers, Generation Xers apparently just hanging out, Generation Zers just looking at their technology, me wondering what the next generation will be called since we’ve run out of letters. But what’s clear is we do have a spirited youth that are intelligent, politically and socially active, and whose votes and voices will matter.

Yet, here is where we stand: the Republican Party has aligned itself with the now 73-year-old Trump’s protocol even after desperately wanting to push him out of their primary years earlier. The Democratic field’s top candidates by polls currently are Joe Biden (77 years old), Bernie Sanders (78 years old; will be 79 on date of 2020 presidential election), and Elizabeth Warren (70 years old; will be 71 on date of 2020 presidential election). Mike Bloomberg (77 years old; will be 78 in a few weeks) has enough money to put himself in this field as well.

What is going on here? I’m not writing this with any political leanings one way or the other, but more from just a general societal perspective.

If you walked into any company and asked employees what they thought of any co-worker over the age of 70, I guarantee that a majority of those polled would say, “Why are they still working here?” And, yet, these are all the most viable candidates that both parties have fielded for President of the United States?

I’m sure I could be called out as ageist, but that isn’t entirely the point. It’s fine to field candidates that are senior citizens, but the notion that all the top ones are and that the parties chose to structure themselves in this way speaks to the fundamental problem and alienation that the younger generations felt after the 2016 election. They’ve become more vocal and more political and yet both parties don’t seem to be truly addressing it or caring about it.

                                            The future of America

Trump is already pretty majorly disconnected to the youth unless they happen to be conservative and then he’s unfortunately molding them into a really distorted view on Republican ideals or even faith. Biden has already shown signs of both age and an inability to relate to the current times whether it be with his viewpoints on marijuana or his touchiness with women. Warren and Sanders seem to have the most youth-backing and yet they are now locking heads for votes. It seems absolutely absurd that the voice that seems to be able to relate to the issues of the younger generation the most is coming from the oldest person in the field.

Trump loves junk food so much that he fed it to the college football championship winning Clemson team. His Twitter account doesn’t even need to be mentioned at this point as a sign of a concern. Sanders suffered a heart attack in October. Biden’s mental capacity in debates keeps coming under fire. We’ve seen from George W. Bush and Barack Obama how much a President can age in 8 years in office. There’s nothing wrong as a voter holding a concern for how old the leader of their nation will be and their health and yet this doesn’t seem to truly to matter to anyone right now.

One would think that the outlook of either party with a candidate isn’t just winning for 4 years but winning for 8. I don’t know that Trump could make it that far. I certainly don’t know that I feel that way about a mid-80s Biden or Sanders. So, it makes the vice president position all that more important and we’ve watched in the past how the frightening notion of Sarah Palin as president may have buried a campaign.

I’m not one to rally around and promote candidates or even my political preferences, but at a general level, it would seem that only focusing in on one age group and the most aged of them all for the highest office in the country doesn’t do a great job of speaking to the entire country. We have a minimum age limit of 35 which is good because that means an Instagram influencer won’t become our President which would be likely to happen. But it’s safe to question why we don’t have a maximum age and why our major political parties are slanting towards unbelievably older candidates.

They may be clinging to their final ways of shaping their worldview and, in the process, only further alienating a large youth population that is ready to take over.

[halfofwhatisayismeaningless]

Far away. Lejos. Josh Washington x Reader

Good night! This was supposed to be shorter, but I liked it so much I made it longer. You can find it in english or spanish. Requests are open.

Buenas noches. Esto se suponía que iba a ser más corto, pero me gustó tanto que seguñi escribiendo. Podéis encontrarlo en inglés o español. Las propuestas están abiertas.

Summary: (Y/N) and Josh meet three months after the lodge prank. 

Words: 2661.

Warnings:  mental health issues and attempt to suicide.

It was just another day: turning off the alarm clock, get out of bed, look to the morning sky from your window, go to the bathroom, take a shower... and miss him. Depends on the day he was the first thing that came to your mind, maybe you remembered him when you see his hoodie on your drawer. But you always remembered him in the first half hour of the morning.

There was days that when you arrived to class you saw Sam and remembered her trembling voice while she called you that horrible morning. Josh insisted on not wanting you to go, it scared you, you knew how hard it was for him losing them and you imagined that going back to that place one year later would hurt him. You shut all the alarms on your head telling yourself that you trusted on him. Probably he just wanted to get wasted and he didn't liked you to see him in that state.

You didn't sleep that night, worried that something went wrong. In the end everything that could possibly go wrong, went wrong. You remembered that phone call with Sam perfectly "They don't find Jess", you answered worried, until Sam warned you "(Y/N), they don't find Josh either". You didn't had to start crying. It was seven o'clock in the morning but you were leaving your house, without telling your parents. On your way there you found out that they have found the dead body of Jess. The funeral was weeks after, the last time you all got together. Mike joined the army three week after her funeral.

Three days after her funeral they found Josh on the mines, you went fast to the police station, to the hospital, nobody gave you any information, until the day you run into her mother on the hospital.

- (Y/N), we've decided that you can't see him.

- What do you mean with WE'VE decided? Who did?

- His father, the doctors, and me.

- What about him?

- He's not in conditions of deciding.

- But he's my boyfriend, I should see him. I promised him that I would take care of him in case something happens.

- I'm sorry (Y/N), but that's what we decided.

Her mother turned around and started walking, you stayed there, without knowing what to do. His parents did not take care of him, ever, not even when his sisters disappeared. You were the one who took him to the psychologist, to the psychiatrist, you were who hugged him during his panic attacks, you woke him of his nightmares. And they wanted to separate him from you. You knew they wouldn't take care of him the way Josh deserved.

- At least tell him it's your decision. - you told her when she turned around. She ignored you.

It had been three months since that. You had tried to contact him, going to see him at the hospital where he was since they rescue him, and three weeks ago you went to his house. You stayed inside your car. You went through that street when you went to Sam's house, his light always was off. But that they it was on, there was also a security guard on the door. Neither you or the people who were at the lodge that night were allowed to see him. You were half an hour on the car, hoping to see him on the window. But it didn't happen, in the end you turned on the car, you wiped your tears and went away.

The only touched you had with Josh's reality was Sam's mum, who was friend of Melinda, Josh's mum.

You arrived class and sat on your usual place. Hoping to have a normal day. But that day was not normal, that day was gonna be weird on the monotony you tried to have, to not lose your head. That wasn't a class and psychology day.

Classes were normal until lunch time. You received a phone call from an unknown number. Before the lodge thing happened you wouldn't take those phone calls. But now everytime you answered the phone you did it with the hope that could be Josh. That didn't happen anytime.

- Hello?

- Hello, (Y/N)?

- Yes, it's me. Who are you?

- I'm Bob Washington. - it was his father. You started being scared, you imagine all the situations where Josh could suffer.

- Mr. Washington. What's going on? Is Josh fine?

- Yes don't worry. I'm not calling because something happened. - there was a silence. - He isn't worse. - you breathed.

- Then, why have you called?

- My wife and I were wrong. Melinda doesn't want to accept it, but I can't hear my son crying for you, not anymore. She told him that you didn't want to see him anymore. It's not true and I wanna tell him, but I don't know how.

- What can I do? I'll do anything, anything you ask. I just want to be with him and help him.

- I knew you would say that, you are everything but a problem for Josh. I've realised we should have took care of him earlier and that you were the one who did it when we didn't.

- I appreciate that. But I insist, what I want is to see him.

- Melinda isn't going to be home at five and she'll be a day outside. You can come whenever

you want.

- Can I be there at five?

- Of course you can, Josh's psychologist will arrive at seven, maybe you want ti be by his side as you used to. He told me you did.

- But are you going to tell him I'm going there?

- I prefer that he sees you there and that you tell him that it was our fault and not yours.

- I'll be there at five.

- Thank you (Y/N). And I'm sorry for lying about you to him. I'm sorry I kept you apart these three months.

- Mr. Washington, you should say you’re sorry to him.

You hang up the phone, with an unrest feeling. It was only two o'clock, three hours were left. You picked up your things and went home. Without telling anyone. You went back home walking, you wanted to order your feelings after dealing with his. From today on, if Mrs. Washington let you, Josh's feelings would be the most important ones of your life.

You couldn't stop thinking about what you found that afternoon at Josh's house. His mother opened the door, you went to his room, expecting him to be writing a new script. When you opened the door the room was empty, you heard someone crying on the bathroom.

- Josh? - you said outside the door. Your boyfriend gave you no answer. - Josh, I'm going in.

When you went in you found Josh lying on the ground with an empty pill box by his side. You tried not to panic so his mother wouldn't found out.

- Sweetie, sweetie. - you touched his face. - honey, what have you done? - he hugged you. - Josh, how many did you ate?

Josh wouldn't stop shivering, you started to feel the tears in your eyes. You hold on your feelings, the life of Josh is what mattered. You approached him to the toilet.

- Josh, sweetheart I'm here. Open your mouth. - Josh looked at you scared. - Don't worry my love, I'm not going to hurt you. You have to open your mouth for me, just for a second. - he did it, you put in your hand, two fingers touching his throat. You felt her throat contract, you took apart your hand and he threw up some pills. Josh started to cry louder. - Josh, we have to do it again, okay? - Josh said no with his head, two tears fell down your cheeks. - Josh please, look at me.

He looked at you and you saw fear on his eyes, not fear of dying. On the contrary, it was fear of life without his sisters, with the guilt of not being able to save them.

- Josh, I don't want you to die. - you cried. You didn't know how to explain him that it was the last thing you wanted. - I want to take care of you forever. I know you are broken, I don't expect to cover the emptiness they left. But I love you and I hope that is enough to make clear to you that I don't want to see you die. I couldn't live without you. Josh, I love you with my whole heart. - Josh put in his mouth his fingers and threw up again. - Thank you, my love. - you stroke your hand through his back.

- I'm sorry (Y/N). - he took your hand crying like a kid.

- Don't worry about me. This is the only thing you have taken? - he nodded. - Okay, we're going to the hospital. Your mother was leaving now, we'll wait until she's gone so you have some privacy.

Josh hugged you, when you were between those arms you started crying silently. You didn't want Josh to realize, but he knew you perfectly. You heard the front door get closed. Half an hour later you were crying alone at the emergencies room.

After that night nothing was the same, Josh and you were inseparable, both of you shared a secret, you accompanied him throughout the psychological process, you joined him on his late night cryings. You made a deal, you would tell eachother everything through your minds.

When you arrived home you had two more hours. You didn't know what to dress. Did you wanted to look pretty? Did you wanted to hide what this months had done to you?

You dressed up quickly, jeans and a big sweater. You looked at the mirror. You had change, everything hurted. You had started to develop the depression you thought it was closed months ago. Your eyes didn't shone, you were broken in pieces.

At quarter to five you parked in front of the Washington's house. A big house designed for five persons that was nearly empty after Hanna's and Beth's disappearance. You saw Mrs. Washington go out, saying goodbye to her husband. When her car disappeared you left the car.

You approached the front door looking to the security guard.

- Good afternoon, I've come to see...

- Josh, I know, miss (Y/N)

You knocked the door and you noticed your hairs stand on end. Mr. Washington opened the door.

- Hello (Y/N).

- Hello Mr. Washington.

- Call me Bob, please. Give me your coat and wait on the living room, I'll notify Josh that he has visit. I won't tell him it's you, he might not come down. - that scared you. Did he hated you? Bob looked at the chocolate box in your hand. - We've buy those this past months but he doesn't want to eat them unless is with you. You can put in on the living room.

When you went in you realised that it was different, there wasn't any family pictures. No sign of Beth or Hannah, not even Josh. It looked as if nothing had happened on this living room. You sat on the couch and heard how Bob told Josh that "Someone came to see you". You didn't heard the answer, you just heard the steps on the stairs. Your heart started to beat really fast, and three months later, you saw him.

He was very skinny, Josh, who was the typical tall and strong handsome boy. His eye bags were darker and evident. You looked at each other for 15 seconds. 15 seconds of silence. You stood up and walked to him. You surrounded him with your arms and smelt him. He didn't move for a minute and then he hugged you back. He was shivering, you too, because you were crying. And for an instant these three months hadn't happened. You separated and his father talked:

- I'll leave you alone. I'm sure (Y/N) has to talk to you about a lot of things. And Josh, please, listen to her and believe everything she says.

You sat on the couch, leaving some distance. You wiped your tears.

- Josh, I want you to listen to me carefully. Okay sweetheart?

- I'm not longer your "sweetheart".

You sighted, it was normal, he thought you didn't love him, he thought you hated him.

- When you disappeared I did nothing else but wait for you. I went to the police station everyday, I even slept there. I went to Blackwood to help them to find you. I contributed with everything I could. When they found you they took you to the hospital but they didn't give me any information. I spent a week looking for you or your parents on the hospital. I ran into your mum after ten days. He told me that they and your doctors had decided that you shouldn't see me. Me or anyone who was at Blackwood that night. - Josh stayed quiet, looking down to the floor. - I understand that this is difficult for you, that you don't want to see me and that you want me to go. I'll do it if you really want me to. But you have to believe me, please. - there was some minutes of silence. You wanted to be patient. Josh looked at the box of chocolates, you gave them to him.- I brought you those. I know they're your favorite ones.

- They're if I'm with you. - he finally looked at you. - I trust you, (Y/N). I imagined my parents would do that.

- Josh, I said it that night and I still think it. I wanna look after you forever. I know you're broken and that I'm not going end with the sadness that gave you their deaths. But I can't live without you. Josh, I love you with all my heart. - Josh approached and kissed you. You didn't want anything as much as you wanted that kiss.

- I love you. Thank you for being you. I do not intend to separate from you.

You spent all the afternoon together, you cried, you kissed, you talked to his psychologist, you fucked, you ate chocolates. You tried to make up for lost time. At eleven o'clock his father came back. You took your coat and went to the front door together.

- Do not go yet. I want to give you something. - Josh said to you. While he was upstairs his father came and talked to you.

- Thank you for everything, (Y/N). Don't worry about Melinda, I'll talk to her. I'll do everything I can so she doesn't even try to separate you two.

- Thank you for the call.

- I'll leave you alone so you can say goodbye properly.

Josh came with a notebook on his hands.

- Do you remember the promise we made that night? That we would tell eachother everything that went through our heads. - you nodded. - When I was admitted on the psychologist of the hospital I felt lonely without you. So I wrote everything that went through my mind. There are some bad words and hate to you. I hope that you understand that I was wrong. I want you to read it.

You hugged him and smelt him.

- It's the only thing I'll do tonight. I won't even sleep.

- Come tomorrow, I want to spend all the time possible with you. And I write a new script. It's a scary movie set in a psychiatric. - you saw that dreamy smiled again.

- Tomorrow at the same time I'll be here.

- And bring some chocolates. - he kissed you.

It had been a perfect day out of your monotony life.

Era otro día más: apagar el despertador, salir de la cama, mirar por la ventana al cielo que empezaba a clarear, llegar al baño, ducharse… y echarle de menos. Dependiendo del día era en lo primero que pensabas, a lo mejor era al encontrar su sudadera en tu cajón; pero siempre te acordabas de lo que habías perdido en la primera media hora.

Había días que cuando llegabas a clase y veías a Sam de lejos te acordabas de su voz temblorosa hablando contigo aquella fatídica madrugada. Josh insistió en que no fueras, lo cual te daba miedo, sabías lo duro que había sido perderlas y te imaginabas que volver a ese sitio un año después también dolería. Callaste las alarmas de tú cabeza pensando que confiabas en él y que seguramente se quería emborrachar y no le gustaba que le vieras borracho.

No dormiste esa noche, preocupada de que algo fuera mal, y resultó que todo lo que podía salir mal, salió mal. Recordabas la llamada de Sam a la perfección “No encuentran a Jess” tú respondiste preocupada, hasta que Sam te avisó “(Y/N), tampoco encuentran a Josh”. Ni siquiera tuviste tiempo de llorar. Eran las siete de la mañana de un sábado, pero tú salías de tú casa corriendo, sin avisar a tus padres de lo que estaba pasando. De camino te enteraste de que habían encontrado a Jess, muerta. Su funeral fue semanas después, fue la última vez que os reunisteis todos. Mike tres semanas después se alistó en el ejército.

Tres días después encontraban a Josh en las minas, fuiste corriendo a comisaría, al hospital, pero nadie te daba información, hasta que un día te encontraste con su madre.

- (Y/N), hemos decidido que no puedes verle.

- ¿Cómo que HEMOS decidido? ¿Quién lo ha decidido?

- Su padre, el equipo médico y yo.

- ¿Y él?

- Él no está en condiciones de decidir.

- Pero es mi novio, deberíais dejarme verlo. Le prometí que iba a cuidarle si le pasaba algo.

- Lo siento, (Y/N), pero es lo que hemos decidido.

Su madre se dio la vuelta y empezó a andar, tú te quedas te ahí, parada, sin saber qué hacer. Sus padres no se habían preocupado nunca por él, ni antes ni después de sus hermanas. Tú eras la que le había acompañado al psicólogo, al psiquiatra, la que le había abrazado durante los ataques de pánico, le habías despertado de sus pesadillas. Y querían separarlo de ti. Sabías que ellos no iban a cuidarle como Josh se merece.

- Por lo menos decidle que es vuestra decisión. – dijiste a su madre cuando se dio la vuelta. Ella te ignoró.

Y habían pasado tres meses desde aquello. Habías intentado ponerte en contacto con él, visitarle en el hospital en el que había estado ingresado en la sala de psiquiatría, y hace tres semanas condujiste hasta su casa para verle. Aparcaste en la acera de enfrente, pasabas mucho por esa calle cuando ibas a casa de Sam, y su luz estaba siempre apagada. Ese día estaba encendida, pero también había una persona de seguridad en la puerta. No podíais verlo ni tú ni a nadie que estuviera la noche en la que sucedió todo. Estuviste media hora en el coche, esperando verle asomar desde la ventana. Pero no pasó, al final acabó encendiendo el coche, limpiándote las lágrimas, y te fuiste.

El único contacto con la realidad de Josh era la madre de Sam, que era amiga de su madre, Melinda.

Llegaste a clase y te sentaste en tú sitio de siempre, esperando un día normal. Pero ese día no iba a ser normal, ese día iba a salir de la monotonía que te habías impuesto para no perder la cabeza. Ese no iba a ser un día normal de ir a clase y luego a la psicóloga.

Las clases transcurrieron con normalidad hasta que en la hora de la comida te llamó un número desconocido. Antes de que pasara todo nunca los solías coger, pero ahora cada vez que contestabas uno respondías con la ilusión de que fuera Josh, ninguna vez había sucedido.

- ¿Hola?

- Hola, ¿(Y/N)?

- Si, soy yo, ¿quién es?

- Soy Bob Washington. – era su padre; todo tú cuerpo se tensó, pasaron por tu cabeza todas las situaciones en las que podía encontrarse Josh.

- Señor Washington, ¿qué pasa? ¿Josh está bien?

- Si, no te preocupes. No llamo porque haya pasado nada. – hubo un silencio. – No ha ido a peor. – tú respiraste tranquila.

- Entonces, ¿por qué llama?

- Mi mujer y yo nos equivocamos. Melinda no quiere aceptarlo, pero yo no puedo oír a mi hijo llorar más por ti. Ella le contó que tú no habías querido volver a verle, no es cierto, yo quiero decírselo, pero no sé cómo hacerlo.

- ¿Qué puedo hacer yo? Haré lo que sea, cualquier cosa que me pida. Solo quiero estar con él y ayudarle.

- Imaginaba que dirías eso; eres de todo menos un problema para Josh. Me he dado cuenta de que deberíamos haber estado más pendiente de él y que has sido tú quien más le ha ayudado cuando no lo hicimos nosotros.

- Agradezco que me diga esto. Pero insisto que lo que yo quiero es verle.

- Melinda no va a estar a partir de las cinco y estará un día fuera. Puedes venir cuando quieras.

- ¿Puedo ir a las cinco?

- Claro que puedes, el psicólogo de Josh llegará a las siete, puede que quieras estar a su lado

como él me ha contado que hacías.

- ¿Pero va a contarle que voy?

- Prefiero que te vea y que sepa por ti misma que fue nuestra culpa. No creo que tú cargues con la culpa.

- Estaré allí a las cinco.

- Gracias (Y/N), y lo siento, por haber mentido a Josh sobre ti y haberte separado de él estos tres meses.

- Señor Washington, más lo debería sentir por él.

Colgaste el teléfono, con un sentimiento de desasosiego. Eran sólo las dos, faltaban tres horas. Recogiste tus cosas y decidiste salir hacia tu casa. Sin avisar a nadie. Decidiste volver andando, querías aclarar todos los sentimientos que había en tu cuerpo antes de tratar con los de él. A partir de hoy y si la señora Washington lo permitía, los sentimientos que más importaban en tú vida eran los de Josh.

No podías parar de pensar en la imagen que encontró una tarde que llegó a casa de Josh. Te abrió la puerta la madre de Josh y subiste a su habitación a verle, esperando encontrarle escribiendo un guion. Al abrir la puerta el cuarto estaba vacío, oíste un llanto en el baño.

- ¿Josh? – dijiste llamando a la puerta. Tú novio no respondió. – Josh, voy a abrir.

Al abrir encontraste a Josh tumbado en el suelo, con un bote de pastillas a su lado, vacío. Intentaste no entrar en pánico para que su madre no se enterara.

- Cariño, cariño. – dijiste acercándote. – Mi vida. ¿Qué has hecho? – él se abrazó a ti. – Josh, ¿cuántas has tomado?

Josh no paraba de temblar, empezaste a notar tus ojos llenarse de líquido. Refrenaste tus sentimientos, lo importante era la salud de Josh. Lo acercaste al wáter.

- Josh, cariño, estoy yo aquí. Abre la boca. – Josh te miró asustado. – Tranquilo, amor, no te voy a hacer daño. Tienes que abrir la boca un segundo. – él te hizo caso, metiste tú mano dentro, dos de tus dedos llegando a la garganta. Notaste la arcada, apartaste la mano y vomitó parte de las pastillas. Josh empezó a llorar más. – Josh, vamos a tenerlo que hacer otra vez, ¿vale? – Josh negó con la cabeza, dos lágrimas cayeron por tus ojos. – Josh, mírame, por favor.

Él te miró y viste el miedo en sus ojos, no creías que ese miedo fuera a morir, todo lo contrario, era a vivir sin sus hermanas, con la culpabilidad de no haber podido salvarlas.

- Josh, yo no quiero que te mueras. – lloraste. No sabías como explicarle que era lo último que querías. – Yo quiero cuidarte para siempre. Sé que estás roto por dentro, no espero cubrir el espacio que dejaron ellas. Pero te quiero y espero que eso sea suficiente para convencerte de que no quiero verte morir. No podría vivir sin ti. Josh yo te quiero con todo mi corazón. - Josh metió sus dedos en la boca y volvió a vomitar. – Gracias, cariño. – dijiste acariciando su espalda.

- Lo siento, (Y/N). – lloró como un niño pequeño cogiendo tú mano.

- No te preocupes por mí, ¿esto es lo único que has tomado? – él asintió. – Vale, voy a llevarte al hospital. Tú madre se iba ya, esperaremos a que esté lejos para que tengas un poco de privacidad.

Josh te abrazó, cuando estuviste entre esos brazos fue el momento en el que dejaste tú llanto silencioso caer. Intentaste que Josh no se diera cuenta, pero él te conocía a la perfección. Ambos oísteis la puerta de casa cerrarse. Media hora estabas sola en la sala de urgencias llorando.

Después de ese día nada había sido igual, Josh y tú erais inseparables, teníais un secreto, le acompañaste en todo el proceso de ir a psicólogos, de llorar por las noches abrazados. Hicisteis un trato, os contaríais todo lo que se pasaba por vuestras cabezas.

Al llegar a tú casa todavía faltaban dos horas. No sabías que ponerte, ¿te ponías guapa? ¿querías ocultar cómo estos tres meses de soledad te habían afectado?

Abriste tú armario. Viste la sudadera de Josh, no se la querías llevar. Si no te quería volver a ver querías un recuerdo suyo, todavía olía a él, y esperabas que así siguiera. Podrías llevarle algo, algo que le guste mucho y que le recuerde vuestra relación. Podías llevarle una caja de esos bombones belgas que comprabais para ver una peli en su casa. Echabas de menos esas tardes en la sala de cine de sus padres. Josh intentaba convencerte para que vierais una peli de miedo, aunque sabía lo mucho que las odiabas.

Te vestiste rápido, con unos vaqueros y un jersey grande. Te miraste en el espejo de la entrada de tú casa. Habías cambiado, te dolía todo menos el cuerpo físico, habías empezado a desarrollar tú depresión que parecía cerraba meses antes. Tus ojos ya no brillaban, estabas rota, a pedazos.

A las cinco menos cuarto aparcaste frente a la casa de los Washington, una casa diseñada para cinco personas que había quedado vacía tras la desaparición de Hannah y Beth. Viste salir a la señora Whasington, despidiéndose de su marido. Cuando su coche desapareció por la larga calle en la que vivían, saliste del coche.

Te acercaste y miraste al guardia de la puerta.

- Buenas tardes, vengo a ver a…

- A Josh, ya lo sé, señorita (Y/N).

Llamaste a la puerta, notaste como todo el pelo de tus brazos se erizaba. Te abrió el señor Washington.

- Hola (Y/N).

- Hola señor Washington.

- Llámame Bob, por favor. Dame tú abrigo y ve al salón, avisaré a Josh de que tiene visita. No le diré que eres tú, puede que no baje. – eso te preocupó ¿te odiaba? Bob miró la caja de bombones en tú mano. – los hemos comprado en estos últimos tres meses pero no quiere comerlos si no es contigo. Déjalos en la mesa del salón.

Al entrar te diste cuenta de que estaba cambiado, no había fotos de la familia, no había rastro de Hannah o Beth, ni siquiera de Josh, parecía no haber pasado nada en ese salón. Te sentaste en el sofá oyendo cómo el padre de Josh le avisaba “alguien ha venido a verte”. No oíste su respuesta, solo oíste los golpes de sus pies en las escaleras. Tú corazón empezó a latir fuerte, y de repente lo viste. Tres meses después.

Estaba muy flaco, Josh que era el típico guapo musculoso. Sus ojeras eran mucho más oscuras, y las bolsas de sus ojos evidentes. Os mirasteis durante 15 segundos, 15 largos segundos de silencio, hasta que te levantaste y acabaste con el espacio entre vosotros. Le rodeaste con los brazos y aprovechaste para volver a olerle. Él no se movió, tras un minuto te abrazó también, notaste que temblaba, tú también, porque estabas llorando. Durante un momento estos últimos tres meses no habían pasado. Os separasteis y su padre habló:

- Os voy a dejar solos. Seguro que (Y/N) tiene que contarte muchas cosas, Josh. Por favor, escúchala y créela en todo lo que te diga.

Os sentasteis en el sofá, dejando cierta distancia. Te limpiaste los ojos, llenos de lágrimas.

- Josh, quiero que me escuches bien. ¿Vale, cariño?

- Yo ya no soy tú cariño.

Tú suspiraste, era normal, él piensa que no le quieres, que le odias.

- Cuando desapareciste no hice más que esperarte, fui a comisaría, dormí en comisaría. Fui hasta Blackwood para ayudar en tú búsqueda. Aporté todo lo que pude. Cuando te encontraron y te llevaron al hospital, pero no me daban información. Me pasé una semana vagando por el hospital esperando encontrar a tus padres. Lo conseguí tras diez días, vi a tu madre. Me dijo que tú equipo médico y ellos habían decidido que no debías verme, ni a mí ni a nadie que estuviera esa noche. - Josh se quedó callado, mirando al suelo. – Entiendo que sea duro para ti, que no quieras volver a verme, que quieras que me vaya. Y lo haré si es lo que de verdad quieres. Pero créeme, por favor. – hubo otros minutos de silencio. Querías ser paciente. Josh miró los bombones, tú se los diste. – Te los he traído, sé que son tus favoritos.

- Lo son si estoy contigo. – te miró. – Yo te creo, (Y/N). Ya me imaginaba que mis padres habían hecho esto.

- Josh, te lo dije aquella tarde y suscribo mis palabras. Yo quiero cuidarte para siempre. Sé que estás roto por dentro y sé que no voy a poder quitar la tristeza que te causaron sus muertes. No podría vivir sin ti. Josh yo te quiero con todo mi corazón. – Josh se acercó a ti y te besó. Nunca en todos los días de tu vida habías deseado algo tanto como ese beso.

- Te quiero. Gracias por ser tú. No pienso separarme de ti.

Pasasteis toda la tarde juntos, llorasteis, os besasteis, hablaste con su psicólogo, follasteis, comisteis bombones, recuperasteis parte del tiempo irrecuperable. A las once de la noche volvió su padre. Tú cogiste tú abrigo y os dirigisteis juntos a la puerta.

- Todavía no te vayas, (Y/N), quiero darte una cosa. – dijo Josh. Mientras tú te ponías tú abrigo el padre de Josh se acercó a ti.

- Gracias por todo (Y/N), no te preocupes por Melinda, yo hablaré con ellas. Pero si está en mi mano intentaré que nada os separe.

- Gracias a usted por haberme llamado.

- Os dejo para que os despidáis.

Josh llegó con una libreta en sus manos.

- ¿Te acuerdas de la promesa que hicimos aquella noche? La de que nos contaríamos todo lo que pasara por nuestras cabezas. – tú asentiste. – Cuando estuve encerrado en el ala de psicología me sentí muy solo sin ti, así que escribí todo lo que se me pasaba por la cabeza. Hay insultos y odio hacia ti. Pero espero que después de esta tarde comprendas que estaba equivocado y quiero que lo leas.

Tú te acercaste a él, aspiraste su olor.

- No voy a hacer otra cosa esta noche. Nada de dormir.

- Ven mañana a verme, quiero recuperar el tiempo perdido. He escrito un guión, es una peli de miedo ambientada en un psiquiátrico. – por fin viste aquella sonrisa soñadora.

- Mañana a la misma hora estaré aquí.

- Y trae bombones. – dijo antes de besarte.

Había sido un día maravilloso, fuera de la monotonía.

[migleefulmoments]

I am a fan of Wentworth, and he was saying he wasn't gay in almost every interview at the time (before anyone read anything in that statement I'm not insinuating anything about D, just so we're clear). He didn't evade the question, he was stating "I'm not gay". Now when we were watching him (and of his own accord), the closeting had tremendous effect on his mental health.

There is an importance difference between “I’m not gay” and “I’m straight”. Gay men and women questioning their sexuality have often said “I'm not gay” but nobody says “I’m straight” and then walks that back. Darren has said it hundreds of time over 9 years.  Sexual identity is determined by the individual and nobody else. Darren has been very clear that he identifies as straight. He has said it point blank many times, he has lived his life in a manner consistent with a straight man- he married a woman he dated for 8 years, he’s never dated a man that we know of- and the ccers have looked- and he has never insinuated he is attracted to men, even in a joke. There is nothing to suggest he is gay accept a group of fans who cannot let it go. This got long so ....

Wentworth has never talked about closeting being something that was forced on him by the show runner or in a contract form. His experience was like everyone else- the reality that LGBTQ actors get less work, are typecast as gay characters-which up until a handful of shows like Glee, Will and Grace, The L-Word and  Queer as Folks, most gay characters where side kick, buddies, comic relief. There were other shows with gay characters but not many.  It is changing, but when Wentworth was struggling, it was still scandalous to come out- they still had to do the big People cover stories claiming “I’m Gay”. Work was hard to find- so everyone giving gay actors advice to stay in the closet were giving good career advice. The problem is that they didn’t understand the mental health implications of this kind of pressure, they didn’t appreciate the struggle to be true to oneself and they seem to have lacked basic of compassion. Most of the actors who have talked about the pressure, also talk about their own struggle with accepting their sexuality and how that mixed in with the pressure to stay in the closet coming from their managers and casting directors. Coming out is not a one-size-fits-all process, it is a complicated, very personal experience that is affected by one’s upbringing, religion, whether there is family and/or friend support, and one’s own mental health status. All of those factors impact coming out but now add in “under the world spotlight” and “impacts your ability to earn a wage” and that gets much more complicated.  

Several actors and singers have talked about being outed and the horror of being forced to talk about their sexuality way before they were ready. Some weren’t even ready to face their sexuality themselves and were forced to when people kept bringing it up. Whether they were outed by the media, by coworkers, by fans or a combination, these are all deeply disturbing stories of depression and anxiety brought on by being outed. 

The problem with the cc trope is that the reality isn’t as simple as Abbu’s theory that one person pushed an actor inside the closet and locked it with a signed, never-ending, legally binding contract. In fact, cc theory is a simple, 1-dimensional look at what really goes on with LGBTQ performers and the closet. It is simply a prop in the CrissColfer fantasy that is used to further their “proof” but it is not based on the reality of what is happening in Hollywood, it discounts the individual’s struggle to be accepted and to accept themselves, to come out and be safe and earn a wage. The ccers out Darren daily with no remorse. They ignore the stories being told by actors who struggle after being outed and they fixate on their fantasy that “Darren wants them to out him”. Nobody ever wants to be outed.   

Closeting in Hollywood isn’t based simply a misconception held by casting directors and managers who are out-of-touch with the times. As a society, we-and by we I mean ccers- still label people as gay based on effeminate behavior and gay kids are being threatened and bullied at school at an alarming rate. Gay kids are still committing suicide. The problem is much deeper than Hollywood. We are making changes but they are slow and the Trump administration and Mike Pence are trying to turn things back to 1950. They just barred transgender troops and have fought to end the rights that Obama administration gave to protect trans kids in school. 

The cc fandom needs actually read the interview and quotes they post because the people aren’t saying what the cc fandom are hearing. They cherry-pick quotes to highlight and ignore the stuff that disproves their 1-dimensional theories.  Today Valentinaheart posted and Abby reblogged (Bold is theirs) : 

Garrett Clayton made headlines when he came out as gay back in August.

It followed years of unfair speculation from both the public and the media – many of whom pressured him to come out when he wasn’t ready – and closed out a chapter of the actor’s life that saw him hide his true self in the public eye.

Now, in his first interview since coming out as gay, the former Disney star tells Gay Times he “finally feels comfortable” with his sexuality – but there was a time that the homophobia he experienced in Hollywood pushed him further into the closet.

“One of the first things somebody who was instrumental in starting my career did, they sat me down and they said, ‘Are you gay?’ And I could feel the pressure of the question, so I was like, ‘Yeah, I’m gay, or bi, or whatever’, because suddenly I could feel that there was something wrong with that in this person’s eyes,” he says.

“They looked at me and said, ‘No one wants to fuck the gay guy, they want to go shopping with him, so we’re going to have to figure this out.’ It turned into this situation where I’d get calls and they’d say, ‘You still need to butch it up’. I literally had to change everything about myself at that point, otherwise I was never gonna make it.

“And that was so conflicting, because here’s somebody offering you your dream, but they’re telling you that you’re not good enough the way you are. You’re talented, but who you are isn’t good enough.”

Unfortunately, this insidious homophobia was something that continued long into Garrett’s career.

“They had me changing the way I walked, the way I spoke, the way I dressed, the way I answered questions,” he continues. “It got as petty as them saying, ‘People need to see that you’re into sports because they’ll think that’s more masculine, so why don’t you go buy a sports hat, take some pictures in it, and make sure people see you in it’.

“There’d be calls after I went into casting offices like, ‘Hey, this is how gay casting thought you came across today, so here’s what you need to do to fix it’. I even had cast members screaming drunkenly in the middle of a room, ‘Who here thinks Garrett is gay?’ and then yelling at me for not having come out yet.”

It felt “like being back in high school” for the aspiring actor, and the self-suffocation prescribed by those around him inevitably took its toll, leading to a period of reclusive behaviour and depression and, ultimately, therapy.

“I convinced myself that I was the problem, and I got into a really dark place for a couple of years. Then I went to therapy for about a year and a half to really sort through all the things I went through growing up and the situations I found myself in while in Hollywood. I got to work through all those conflicting things.”

The second paragraph was not in bold and yet says a lot to a fandom who outs Darren on the daily: It followed years of unfair speculation from both the public and the media – many of whom pressured him to come out when he wasn’t ready – and closed out a chapter of the actor’s life that saw him hide his true self in the public eye

The article says that

  “...but there was a time that the homophobia he experienced in Hollywood pushed him further into the closet”

Interestingly, they did bold this section which could have directed at them

I even had cast members screaming drunkenly in the middle of a room, ‘Who here thinks Garrett is gay?’ and then yelling at me for not having come out yet.”.

How can they not see they are the cast members yelling “are you out yet’?

It felt “like being back in high school” for the aspiring actor, and the self-suffocation prescribed by those around him inevitably took its toll, leading to a period of reclusive behavior and depression and, ultimately, therapy.

So, the taunting and outing took its tole and lead to depression? Hmmm.... they never listen to what their posterboys are saying. 

[marzgurl]

I've been trying and struggling to wrap my ahead around the crux of the #ChangeTheChannel issues, and within the mess of tweets on Twitter, forum compilations, and blog posts both current and historical, there's a mish-mash of legit grievances related to mismanagement, fair criticisms of content, petty complaints of differing taste and outright mockery all interwoven together... (1/7)

(copying the other 7 parts into this post)

...While the most serious of these allegations make sense as a sort of feedback Doug, Rob and Mike really should be listening to and maybe addressing. I'm having a hard time getting what behavior here is so criminally wrong that we should be boycotting their work. They were amateurs in an emerging industry with an incompetent idea of what they wanted to do with their overall company and how to achieve it... (2/7)

... And once in a blue moon you had to directly communicate with an abrasive boss-like figure. But the largest brunt of your association was to leave you alone as an independent producer to make your content as you liked it - very little different from making content outside Channel Awesome. I truly wish the experiences of everyone involved had been a million times better... (3/7)

..., and I definitely wish they would respond better to constructive criticism on how to achieve that, but treated as nothing more than an aggregate website of online content producers, their existence in the world just seems quite harmless. No one seems worse-off for their involvement, but rather not as well-off as it would be nice to be and bitter about the roadblocks CA put up to prevent that (Bear in mind... (4/7)

..., I'm disinclined to hold them responsible for one's personal mental health struggles, notably regarding JewWario, and I'm willing to extend a possible exception for Holly Christine Brown, because I warrant that her contractual obligations, inopportune firing, and that creepy Mike Ellis thing may have impacted her life's longterm plans for the worse, but I couldn't say for sure) Ultimately, I feel boycotts are worth issues that cause considerable damage to the world we live in... (5/7)

..., and between what's still a fair handful of new content producers who are getting their start, attracting followers and networking because of Channel Awesome's talent pick-up, a little bit of the online content activism they have been involved with, and Doug's own charity shoutout per each video that he puts out to more than a million subscribers, it's a net positive that Channel Awesome still brings to this world... (6/7)

...So am I missing something? Is there a problem the company continues to perpetuate to this day that outweighs any of those positives, that I should refuse to watch or support them in any way for? Or are they truly criminals who have escaped justice for wrongdoings they should have been brought to court over, and for whom the only justice that can be appropriate is the complete exodus of their fanbase to support their livelihood? (7/7)

I get it. Because you don’t see anybody breaking laws, you don’t think what anybody went through is bad enough. Fine. You’re far enough removed for it to not directly affect you. You can do whatever you want.

But let me try to address your phrasing in some places. Yes, they WERE amateurs. But over time, their amateurish behavior should have changed. It didn’t. For ten years. 

I think you may be ignoring some places where people were outright verbally abused, some people sexually harassed, had their lives signed away, etc. 

We were not always free to create the content we liked. There were moments where what we could and could not say or do were dictated at us. Which would have been fine, except there was never a rigid standard that everybody adhered to. What one person was allowed to do, another person was not, and there were not clear indications to why that was.

You can simply “treat it as an aggregate web site,” but it did a lot more than that (or at least tried to, or at least PROMISED MANY PEOPLE that it would). You are on the outside looking in. I’m sorry to say, you do NOT have a clear understanding of how we did or did not function.

In Holly’s case, she IS worse off for her involvement. There are things she is still not allowed to talk about because of the contract she was pushed into signing, and her life was unfortunately altered for the worse because of it.

Not a single person has blamed Channel Awesome and its management for the state of their mental heath, and I don’t even know where you got this from to begin with.

I have NEVER suggested a boycott. I’ve also never once used the hashtag “Change The Channel” in all of this. If other people are making that choice, it’s because they came to their own decisions, that this was the most appropriate thing for them to do after learning about all of this information. You don’t want to boycott? Fine. I’m not even encouraging one. I don’t think you should tell other people that they can’t make the decision to not watch content from creators that they have learned have been cruel people. I’d say the viewer is totally within their rights to make that decision for themselves, as are you to make the decision to continue watching them.

It’s great that Doug throws a bone to charities. Yes, you’re right, that’s totally awesome. But bad people frequently do good things, too. It does not make the things that happened to these people suddenly never have happened. There’s still far more than two dozen content producers who have in some way been mistreated by Channel Awesome. I would say that that’s a pretty big pull of people who can see who the management really is, telling you real stories that really happened that really did in fact cause a number of people pain to different degrees.

So, fine, if it takes being a criminal for you to make a moral decision, that’s your prerogative. It certainly isn’t illegal to be an asshole, you’re absolutely right about that. But if people want to make decisions to not support assholes whether they broke the law or not (and it some cases there are those arguing that laws HAVE been broken, but we’ll need legal professionals to take a closer look), then go on and have at it. It’s a free country. You’re allowed to support whoever you’re gonna support.

Good luck to you out there.

[prettybabyhazza]

to start this off I want to make it clear I do not agree with Jack saying such things. now, I do think it’s important to note the intent he shared those things under. he’s constantly, and I mean ALWAYS, being bombarded with DT fan hate. he has mental health issues, as he’s stated in the past. I just want ppl to understand this was a buildup of emotions. and, he shared those things to say that ‘hey, ppl aren’t the way social media makes them seem.’ ((uhh also, the twins say they’ve never drank))

(Side note: I apologize in advance to anyone who’s sick of seeing this topic!!)

First of all, “built up emotions” is not an excuse to air people’s business like he did. I think the majority of us are well aware that people, including the twins, may not always be exactly who they are on social media all the time. If he wanted to prove that point, all he had to do was say that sentence. Second of all, he clearly doesn’t care about the topic of mental health because he used “mentally ill” as an insult lumped with “aids infested” and “HIV infected” fan accounts to which he termed “stupid fucking idiots”. As for the drinking thing, they did say in their “You’re Not Alone” video and their interview with Caspar that they never had alcohol. Now, I don’t know what’s going on there, but just because Jack said they had a drink every now and then, doesn’t mean it’s true. Also, Mike’s hard lemonade has an alcohol concentration of 5%, so it’s also not like they’re downing shot after shot every night. Even if they were, then so what? They can make their own decisions. Whatever it is they decide to do concerning drinking alcohol, I just hope they do it safely and responsibly. 

My point, in case you missed it, is NONE of this is any of our business. If the boys drink, have sex, create business deals, or whatever else they want to do behind the scenes, will never be any of our business unless they choose to share those things with us. Clearly, they haven’t for a reason, regardless of what we speculate. I think people forget that the twins never owe us a damn thing, except for simple, mutual respect. Personally, I think it’d be interesting to get to know them on those levels, because I’m a pretty open person and I view sex and alcohol as nothing you should be ashamed of. That being said, I selfishly hope one day they’ll talk about their personal life experiences. They may never talk about that stuff and that’s 100% understandable and their choice. Until then, Jack is in the wrong for airing out things that aren’t anyone’s business but the twins and whomever may be directly involved in said activities. 

I’m done with this topic. Thanks for your input and have a great night! xx

[curvywonderlandx]

My story isn’t over yet;

I’m nowhere near 100%, but it feels like the right time to share my story. As the last couple of months are only half of my mental health battle.

“You have no idea what someone is battling so be kind always” I’ve seen this countless times, shared it and posted it myself. But until you are the person with a smile on the outside for the world, and inside your world has fallen apart you will never truly understand it. What’s even more confusing is not knowing why your world has crumbled.

Nobody other than my Mum and my doctors know the full story. Even then, there are things that happen in my brain that only I know, but I don’t always understand them or know how to vocalise them so I keep them to myself. That’s something I am great at, keeping things to myself until I can’t hold anymore in and I burst. Into a rage, into tears and into anger and it’s probably the smallest thing that has triggered it. But deep down something has happened and I’ve pretended I am okay. I would tell myself “tomorrow will be better” or “stop thinking about it, it will go away” the worst one, the one I still tell myself daily “you have no reason to feel like this”.

From the outside it looks like I have it all, and to be honest I do. I have the most loving family, that have supported me through every single thing in my life. They have loved me and given me everything I could ever need and want. My mums boyfriend took me on as his own, I always had that father figure in my life whether it was my biological Dad, Mike or my Grandad. They made sure I never went without. I have an incredible bunch of friends! Best friends, girl groups, work friends, ex work friends, college friends, secondary and primary school friends, travel friends. All of which I know I could call on at anytime in a crisis and they would help me out. I feel safe with my many circles and always have the best of times with them. I am lucky enough to have the most loving and supportive partner I could ever wish for. This man walked into my life while I was having a breakdown, neither of us knew it yet, I think he just thought I was crazy but he loved me and continues to do so every single day. He reminds me of my worth, he makes me smile and laugh until my tummy hurts, he winds me up more than anything, but I know I’m loved and I wouldn’t change him or our relationship ever. I have a job I’ve worked so hard in, and continued to work up in. A job that allows me to travel the world so much easier than I ever thought possible. I have my beautiful little flat, my safety net. The one place in the world that sees all of my moods, and not once have I ever been scared to be here. So why on earth do I feel like I do? Like life isn’t worth living, like I can’t go on anymore?

Summer 2019, I lived my best life. Cringey as it sounds, I felt free. I’m not sure what from, but I had the best summer with the best people and lots of nights out or at the pub. This is what became my habit. Luckily, I’m not writing this as an alcoholic but that comfort of being surrounded by people for a little bit longer in the day became what would save me. Save me from going home and feeling, feeling a way I didn’t understand. I felt empty, yet I had everything? The Christmas period is always full of lots of drinks and food, and I took this to it’s full advantage. Out every weekend, nights in the week, last day of work. You name it, I made it an occasion that included being with the girls and drinking.

January is super hard, but as anyone in the travel industry knows, it’s a rough month. So I put my feelings down to that. Then February came around, it was the first anniversary of my Dad’s death, I felt sad and so I put it down to that. Only after the 5th February, I still felt sad. Incredibly sad, as if I could feel my heart hurting. As the next few weeks panned out, I quite literally lost all control of me. I didn’t know how to live. The night before my birthday I went out drinking with one of my best friends and my boyfriend. We end up back at hers and somehow my feelings come out. Flooding, quite literally with the amount of tears coming from my eyes. We talk about feelings, and how we are both a bit down and from that I realise how down I am. “I don’t want to live anymore” I tell her. And suddenly I understand my own feelings. The words that left my mouth, I was shocked at myself. I was pretending all was okay, and it had gotten so bad that I wanted to take my own life. We talked, I cried, we hugged, I cried, she told me it was time to get help, I cried. In my drunken loud state, my boyfriend had overheard me. We didn’t really talk about it, at least I don’t think we did, everything else now becomes a blur. It traumatised me so much that I finally knew how I felt and how sad I was, that I’ve blocked it out.

The next morning, I wake up with a very sore head. Not only was I extremely hungover, I had fallen into a tree the night before and cut my face and given myself a black eye. This was a waking point for me, I was so drunk I felt no pain. I thought it was funny. I guess in reality looking back, it was a sign it was time to go home. But, if I hadn’t and I didn’t get to have the conversation I had with my friend, who knows where I would be now. So not only have I got a sore head in every sense of the matter, I feel emotional and I feel like I can’t breathe. I get up, I keep telling my boyfriend I’m fine and it’s nothing to worry about, I’m hungover and I just need to get some water. I’m crying because I miss my Dad, so I go to call my Mum and this is the first time I tell her somewhat of how I’m feeling. She cheers me up, I have some water and hang up, and then it’s back. I go into my bathroom and I have a panic attack on my floor. I’ve suffered from panic attacks for years, so it’s nothing new to me. But that doesn’t make it any easier. I’m shaking, I’m crying, I can’t breathe and my head hurts. My boyfriend gets me up and makes me breakfast, I play it off again. “I just need a shower, to get dressed and go home to my family for the day, I’m fine”. I’m still in shock at the conversation I’ve had last night, I want to talk about it and get it out in the open, but as soon as it’s mentioned I pretend I’m fine and that I was drunk. “I do feel sad, but not that bad, I’ll be fine”.

The first time I actually imagined not being alive anymore and taking my own life was on my 23rd birthday. A day that should be filled with love, excitement and happiness. We traveled back to Lydney on the train, I was so exhausted from my panic attack I needed energy and sugar. My boyfriend and I go into the shop to get a drink, but it’s hot in there and I need to get back outside. I tell him I’ll wait just by the door and that “I’m fine, I can wait alone, nothings going to happen”. And then, in a moment that felt like hours, which was probably only seconds a freight train went passed and all I could think about was jumping out in front. What was happening to me? My legs felt like jelly, and I couldn’t breathe, again. This is part of my story that nobody knows. He came out of the shop, and guess what, I pretended I was fine. The rest of the day is a bit of a blur, I had a lovely evening with my family and it couldn’t have come at a much more needed time. But specific details aren’t that clear. I just kept thinking of how this might be the last time we are all in the same room together, unless it’s my funeral.

The next day, it’s my grandads birthday. I stick on one of my very practised fake smiles and don’t say much. I’m about to leave to head back home, and I decide to tell my mum I need to see a doctor. “I’m not okay, I don’t know what’s wrong me with me and I just need to speak to him” I tell her. I’ve been on antidepressants for over four years now so she knows that I need one of my one on one chats with the doctor, and that makes me feel okay again. I call and get an appointment, for the 17th March. That’s nearly a month away and all I can think of is how I’m going to keep myself alive for that long.

The next couple of days go by in a blur, I go to work and put my energy into that. And then finally it’s the weekend. The weekend I’ve been planning with the girls for months, my big birthday night out. A weekend that has now changed my life forever. The girls get to me and we head straight to the pub, we’ve been drinking since about 1pm and the day comes to a dark close about 2/3am. I have so many different groups of friends that have come to my flat, to celebrate me and my birthday and I feel so much love from them. And that was what hit me, this was the perfect time. I could have one last blow out with the people who are most important to me. Get ridiculously drunk, say my goodbyes and that would be it. It was a night of lots of events. I truly have the best friends, because so many of them knew I wasn’t okay. They kept asking but I would say my usual, “I’m fine, just drunk” I wasn’t fine. And in my head, this was it. The time had come, I couldn’t bear to have to say my goodbyes to my family, or my boyfriend. I left them notes on my phone. Notes of which I’ve deleted and have never shared with them. I didn’t even read them again myself. They were too painful. After a long night, we all decide to head home. I get emotional and suddenly I’m sobbing. I’m saying goodbye to people and they have no idea. I want to scream for help, tell them to not leave me tonight, I’m going to hurt myself and I’m scared. Instead, I tell them “I’m fine, just very drunk and I need to go to bed. I’ll get help, I know my depression is bad again but I’ll sort it. I have it planned, see you all soon. I love you”. One of my clearest memories of that night is closing the door, and feeling like I’ve closed the door on life. In that moment, I may as well have already been dead.

The next part is not something I wish to talk about in detail, but I’m sure you can imagine. I made sure everyone had picked up their things, my two friends that were staying were cosy in their beds and I locked myself away in my bathroom.

I didn’t succeed. In that moment, I panicked. I was in pain and blacking out but I didn’t want to die. I couldn’t scream for help because I didn’t have it in me. I saved myself. Cried, threw up, cried and put myself to bed in a big jumper that covered up to my eyes. I couldn’t admit to anyone what had just happened. The damage I had done to my body was nothing compared to how I had just scarred my mind.

The next day I played the hangover card. My best friend was with me, and she had no idea what had happened. She won’t have any idea unless she reads this. But she saved me. I couldn’t take my life with people in my home. So I would do it another time. But that day, she loved me and she didn’t even realise she was doing it. I woke up to a spotless flat from the party, she kept letting me sleep and then we went for breakfast. She then took me home to my Mum, if she hadn’t have done this I don’t believe I’d be here writing this.

I get home to my mum, she knows somethings wrong and asks if I’ve fallen out with my boyfriend, she thinks that’s why I’ve come home. I’m sure after our next conversation she wished that’s why I had come home. I told her how I felt, what happened, what I did. Not in so many words, she had to guess. I couldn’t say it out loud, I felt sick to my stomach. She called my step Dad, and he was with us within minutes. They both sat either side of the sofa with me, their arms around me while I sobbed. I didn’t know who I was anymore, I couldn’t understand why this was happening to me.

I went to work the next day, how I got there, sort of made it through and got back to Lydney I couldn’t tell you. Working with such an incredible team helps, being a manager is hard at the best of times. But working with an understandable bunch of wildcats makes it that bit easier. I hadn’t even got to my flat, let alone to work when my mum called. “I’ve got you into the doctors tomorrow morning, come back home to me tonight. I’m getting you help”. Relief and panic filled my body. I was quite certain once I admitted to how I felt, I would be locked up and they would throw away the key.

Mum quite literally had to drag me to the doctors, I wouldn’t get out of bed and I was definitely not getting dressed to go and tell a stranger how I felt. I had a panic attack in the car park outside, and as if by fate, my grandad was there. If my grandparents ever read this, I don’t know what I’ll say to them. They don’t know the full extent, and that’s because I didn’t want them to worry. I didn’t want anyone to worry, but I wanted to be safe in my own company and telling my Mum was the first step to this. My grandad gave me a hug, and told me it would be alright. I didn’t know it then, but as always, he was right.

I sat in this doctors office, who I had never met before and I couldn’t even look at her. Had a complete breakdown in front of her. Had my antidepressant dose doubled, given a crisis teams number for if I felt like I was going to hurt myself again, a number for a counselling team, told to go for a walk everyday and signed off of work for a month.

I walked out and just thought “what now?” Dread filled me about having to call my boss. “Oh hi, just to let you know I won’t be in for the next month. I’m depressed and attempted to take my own life. Nothing is physically wrong with me though, bye.” I should have known the call would never have gone like that, but my brain didn’t work at this time. At all. All it wanted to do was sleep, pretend the world had gone to sleep, and then wake up when everything was better. I kept saying to my mum, “how can a manager take a month off, just like that? I’m not physically ill, I can’t just not go in.” The thought of just leaving my team to deal with everything in my absence made me feel worse. Then I spoke to my boss, who could not have been more understanding if I wanted him to be. He was incredible with me, told me not to worry and to not think about work and focus on me. That’s what I needed, someone to take the pressure off. My life in Cheltenham had been put on pause and I was staying with my Mum in Lydney until I felt it safe enough to be on my own. I still didn’t tell anyone the full story, looking back I hate that I didn’t tell my boyfriend. All he wanted to do was help, but I kept up the “I’m fine” persona and carried on. He knew I wasn’t “fine” nobody gets signed off from work for a month because they are fine. My sick note just said the word depression and I was sticking with that. No extra details, I was getting better. Let’s focus on that.

The next few weeks are a time where I have never felt such love. Nobody left me on my own, my friends took it in turns to come and spend the evening with me. I did puzzles, colouring, went out walking. Easy tasks that didn’t take too much effort, but enough to keep me level headed. Of course I had wobbles, I would wake up in the middle of the night and think “it’s time again, for real now” and then I’d roll over and see my boyfriend, the man that didn’t leave my side and I knew I couldn’t leave him. He spent every moment he could with me when he wasn’t working, and he didn’t even know the full story. My Mum was asleep in the other room, although she probably wasn’t as she was just as scared about what I would do next as me.

Taking work stress out of the mix, I started to feel better. But then I worried about having to go through the same process when I got back to my flat. The place I hadn’t spent the night at since I had decided I didn’t want to live anymore. Would I go straight back to where I was when I got back? I didn’t know, and I wasn’t ready to find out.

I went to stay with a friend for a night the week before I went to New York. This was another thing I was worrying about, the plane, all of the people, being able to stay awake for more than a few hours to actually see anything. I got to my friends house and we went on a long dog walk, this was the first time I told my story to someone else. She cried, I cried, the dog carried on running in the fields but I had done it. I’d packed a bag, got all the way there on my own and was out in the beautiful fields, starting to feel again. She asked me if I would try it again, and at that time, I said “yes, I think so, probably.” We went out for some lovely food, got some snacks and watched a Disney film. She will never know how much this night changed my perspective. It was the first night in weeks, maybe months I had slept all the way through the night and woke up refreshed. I went for a coffee with some work friends that morning, it was the first time I had been back to Cheltenham in a long time. I was meeting two people who I class as some of my closest friends, they know everything and I mean everything there is to know about me. One of them is the girl who I originally told, the night before my birthday about how I no longer wanted to live. And the other, the person who as I was saying goodbye to on the night out, I knew I was saying goodbye to for the last time. Or so I thought. I had a sudden feeling of panic, I wasn’t well enough to see them, what would I say, how guilty would I feel when they got up to go to work and work extra hard as I wasn’t there. “Don’t be stupid, you can do this. They love you.” I told myself. And they did, of course they did. Oh how nice it was to have a normal conversation, over a hot chocolate and catch up on all of the gossip.

The friend I had spent the night with text me to see how I was doing and to make sure I got home okay. I had to be honest with her, “you’ve given me a reason to live. I want to be here to see your little babba, to watch you walk down the aisle” and it really was the first time I could see a future. How could I miss out on such important events? Things we have talked about since we met. No matter what it took, I was going to meet this baby and I was getting to be at that wedding.

Every week since my first appointment, I had to go back to the doctors to see how I was getting on. She told me it would be good for me to go to New York. The trip I had been planning for my Mum for a year, the trip of our dreams. I couldn’t think of anything worse. But everyone else thought it was good for me, so I listened. If I hated it I knew how good I was at my “I’m fine” face. New York gave me another reason to live again, travel runs in my blood. The city of dreams, had given me so many dreams. I want to go back, see more, experience more, meet more locals, try more food, cycle more of Central Park. I want more. For travel, for life, for me.

This was over two months ago, but since I’ve been back there’s not a lot to report on. I spent the first week at home with my Mum, came back to Cheltenham as I felt it was time to fall in love with my home again, and then the UK went into lockdown. Obviously for all of the right reasons, but I had no choice in being back here. Pacing the hallway I pace when I don’t know what to do, sleeping in the bed that I didn’t find comfortable anymore. I didn’t know it as home anymore, but as soon as I was back, I was okay. It was my home, full of my belongings, full of photos that bring me such joy and happiness, photos of family and friends. Memories. My flat is always the go to for parties, so there are so many hilarious memories I have here. So many more good than bad, and thankfully they outweigh them and I feel safe here.

When I think back to these times now, it’s like writing about someone else. And that’s how I know that I am getting better. I’m not 100% and I don’t know if I ever will be, but I’m not that girl anymore. Or at least I’m trying not to be. I’m being a lot more open with my feelings. Writing this has helped with that, because I’m not very good at telling people a full story because I don’t want to be a burden. Being in lockdown alone gives you plenty of time to think. I’m not at a point of my life yet where this isn’t at the forefront of my mind, but I believe one day it will be a memory. I have so much to live for. So many plans. I dream of being a Mummy one day, having someone depend on me like I depend on my Mum. I’d love to be a wife, live in a happy home that’s full of love. I still want to get out and see the world, visit friends in different countries. Do things that take me out of my comfort zone. I want to love and be loved. Make spontaneous plans and do something crazy. Ultimately I’ve realised that all I wanted was for the world to stop for a minute, give me a chance to get off and catch my breath and to carry on breathing and living. I didn’t want to die, I don’t want to die. I want to live, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do x

[emedhelp]

Trump’s mental state is deteriorating dangerously due to impeachment with potentially ‘catastrophic outcomes’, psychiatrists urgently warn Congress | The Independent

A group of mental health professionals led by a trio of pre-eminent psychiatrists is urging the House Judiciary Committee to consider Donald Trump’s “dangerous” mental state arising from his “brittle sense of self-worth” as part of its inquiry into whether to approve articles of impeachment against him.

“We are speaking out at this time because we are convinced that, as the time of possible impeachment approaches, Donald Trump has the real potential to become ever more dangerous, a threat to the safety of our nation,” said Yale Medical School Professor Dr Bandy Lee, George Washington University Professor Dr John Zinner, and former CIA profiler Dr Jerrold Post in a statement which will be sent to House Judiciary Committee members on Thursday.

The statement will be accompanied by a petition with at least 350 signatures from mental health professionals endorsing their conclusions.

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Sharing the full story, not just the headlines

All three psychiatrists have said they are willing to testify as part of the impeachment inquiry.

The statement warns that “[f]ailing to monitor or to understand the psychological aspects [of impeachment on Mr Trump], or discounting them, could lead to catastrophic outcomes.” 

ShapeCreated with Sketch.Trump impeachment: Who's who in the Ukraine scandal

ShapeCreated with Sketch.Trump impeachment: Who's who in the Ukraine scandal

1/26 Donald Trump

Accused of abusing his office by pressing the Ukrainian president in a July phone call to help dig up dirt on Joe Biden, who may be his Democratic rival in the 2020 election. He also believes that Hillary Clinton’s deleted emails - a key factor in the 2016 election - may be in Ukraine, although it is not clear why.

2/26 The Whistleblower

Believed to be a CIA agent who spent time at the White House, his complaint was largely based on second and third-hand accounts from worried White House staff. Although this is not unusual for such complaints, Trump and his supporters have seized on it to imply that his information is not reliable. Expected to give evidence to Congress voluntarily and in secret.

3/26 The Second Whistleblower

The lawyer for the first intelligence whistleblower is also representing a second whistleblower regarding the President's actions. Attorney Mark Zaid said that he and other lawyers on his team are now representing the second person, who is said to work in the intelligence community and has first-hand knowledge that supports claims made by the first whistleblower and has spoken to the intelligence community's inspector general. The second whistleblower has not yet filed their own complaint, but does not need to to be considered an official whistleblower.

4/26 Rudy Giuliani

Former mayor of New York, whose management of the aftermath of the September 11 attacks in 2001 won him worldwide praise. As Trump’s personal attorney he has been trying to find compromising material about the president’s enemies in Ukraine in what some have termed a “shadow” foreign policy. In a series of eccentric TV appearances he has claimed that the US state department asked him to get involved. Giuliani insists that he is fighting corruption on Trump’s behalf and has called himself a “hero”.

5/26 Volodymyr Zelensky

The newly elected Ukrainian president - a former comic actor best known for playing a man who becomes president by accident - is seen frantically agreeing with Trump in the partial transcript of their July phone call released by the White House. With a Russian-backed insurgency in the east of his country, and the Crimea region seized by Vladimir Putin in 2014, Zelensky will have been eager to please his American counterpart, who had suspended vital military aid before their phone conversation. He says there was no pressure on him from Trump to do him the “favour” he was asked for. Zelensky appeared at an awkward press conference with Trump in New York during the United Nations general assembly, looking particularly uncomfortable when the American suggested he take part in talks with Putin.

AFP/Getty

6/26 Mike Pence

The vice-president was not on the controversial July call to the Ukrainian president but did get a read-out later. However, Trump announced that Pence had had “one or two” phone conversations of a similar nature, dragging him into the crisis. Pence himself denies any knowledge of any wrongdoing and has insisted that there is no issue with Trump’s actions. It has been speculated that Trump involved Pence as an insurance policy - if both are removed from power the presidency would go to Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, something no Republican would allow.

7/26 Rick Perry

Trump reportedly told a meeting of Republicans that he made the controversial call to the Ukrainian president at the urging of his own energy secretary, Rick Perry, and that he didn’t even want to. The president apparently said that Perry wanted him to talk about liquefied natural gas - although there is no mention of it in the partial transcript of the phone call released by the White House. It is thought that Perry will step down from his role at the end of the year.

8/26 Joe Biden

The former vice-president is one of the frontrunners to win the Democratic nomination, which would make him Trump’s opponent in the 2020 election. Trump says that Biden pressured Ukraine to sack a prosecutor who was investigating an energy company that Biden’s son Hunter was on the board of, refusing to release US aid until this was done. However, pressure to fire the prosecutor came on a wide front from western countries. It is also believed that the investigation into the company, Burisma, had long been dormant.

9/26 Hunter Biden

Joe Biden’s son has been accused of corruption by the president because of his business dealings in Ukraine and China. However, Trump has yet to produce any evidence of corruption and Biden’s lawyer insists he has done nothing wrong.

10/26 William Barr

The attorney-general, who proved his loyalty to Trump with his handling of the Mueller report, was mentioned in the Ukraine call as someone president Volodymyr Zelensky should talk to about following up Trump’s preoccupations with the Biden’s and the Clinton emails. Nancy Pelosi has accused Barr of being part of a “cover-up of a cover-up”.

11/26 Mike Pompeo

The secretary of state initially implied he knew little about the Ukraine phone call - but it later emerged that he was listening in at the time. He has since suggested that asking foreign leaders for favours is simply how international politics works. Gordon Sondland testified that Pompeo was "in the loop" and knew what was happening in Ukraine. Pompeo has been criticised for not standing up for diplomats under his command when they were publicly criticised by the president.

AFP via Getty

12/26 Nancy Pelosi

The Democratic Speaker of the House had long resisted calls from within her own party to back a formal impeachment process against the president, apparently fearing a backlash from voters. On September 24, amid reports of the Ukraine call and the day before the White House released a partial transcript of it, she relented and announced an inquiry, saying: “The president must be held accountable. No one is above the law.”

13/26 Adam Schiff

Democratic chairman of the House intelligence committee, one of the three committees leading the inquiry. He was criticized by Republicans for giving what he called a “parody” of the Ukraine phone call during a hearing, with Trump and others saying he had been pretending that his damning characterisation was a verbatim reading of the phone call. He has also been criticised for claiming that his committee had had no contact with the whistleblower, only for it to emerge that the intelligence agent had contacted a staff member on the committee for guidance before filing the complaint. The Washington Post awarded Schiff a “four Pinocchios” rating, its worst rating for a dishonest statement.

14/26 Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman

Florida-based businessmen and Republican donors Lev Parnas (pictured with Rudy Giuliani) and Igor Fruman were arrested on suspicion of campaign finance violations at Dulles International Airport near Washington DC on 9 October. Separately the Associated Press has reported that they were both involved in efforts to replace the management of Ukraine's gas company, Naftogaz, with new bosses who would steer lucrative contracts towards companies controlled by Trump allies. There is no suggestion of any criminal activity in these efforts.

15/26 William Taylor

The most senior US diplomat in Ukraine and the former ambassador there. As one of the first two witnesses in the public impeachment hearings, Taylor dropped an early bombshell by revealing that one of his staff – later identified as diplomat David Holmes – overheard a phone conversation in which Donald Trump could be heard asking about “investigations” the very day after asking the Ukrainian president to investigate his political enemies. Taylor expressed his concern at reported plans to withhold US aid in return for political smears against Trump’s opponents, saying: “It's one thing to try to leverage a meeting in the White House. It's another thing, I thought, to leverage security assistance -- security assistance to a country at war, dependent on both the security assistance and the demonstration of support."

Getty Images

16/26 George Kent

A state department official who appeared alongside William Taylor wearing a bow tie that was later mocked by the president. He accused Rudy Giuliani, Mr Trump’s personal lawyer, of leading a “campaign of lies” against Marie Yovanovitch, who was forced out of her job as US ambassador to Ukraine for apparently standing in the way of efforts to smear Democrats.

Getty Images

17/26 Marie Yovanovitch

One of the most striking witnesses to give evidence at the public hearings, the former US ambassador to Ukraine received a rare round of applause as she left the committee room after testifying. Canadian-born Yovanovitch was attacked on Twitter by Donald Trump while she was actually testifying, giving Democrats the chance to ask her to respond. She said she found the attack “very intimidating”. Trump had already threatened her in his 25 July phone call to the Ukrainian president saying: “She’s going to go through some things.” Yovanovitch said she was “shocked, appalled and devastated” by the threat and by the way she was forced out of her job without explanation.

18/26 Alexander Vindman

A decorated Iraq War veteran and an immigrant from the former Soviet Union, Lt Col Vindman began his evidence with an eye-catching statement about the freedoms America afforded him and his family to speak truth to power without fear of punishment. One of the few witnesses to have actually listened to Trump’s 25 July call with the Ukrainian president, he said he found the conversation so inappropriate that he was compelled to report it to the White House counsel. Trump later mocked him for wearing his military uniform and insisting on being addressed by his rank.

Getty Images

19/26 Jennifer Williams

A state department official acting as a Russia expert for vice-president Mike Pence, Ms Williams also listened in on the 25 July phone call. She testified that she found it “unusual” because it focused on domestic politics in terms of Trump asking a foreign leader to investigate his political opponents.

Getty Images

20/26 Kurt Volker

The former special envoy to Ukraine was one of the few people giving evidence who was on the Republican witness list although what he had to say may not have been too helpful to their cause. He dismissed the idea that Joe Biden had done anything corrupt, a theory spun without evidence by the president and his allies. He said that he thought the US should be supporting Ukraine’s reforms and that the scheme to find dirt on Democrats did not serve the national interest.

Getty Images

21/26 Tim Morrison

An expert on the National Security Council and another witness on the Republican list. He testified that he did not think the president had done anything illegal but admitted that he feared it would create a political storm if it became public. He said he believed the moving the record of the controversial 25 July phone call to a top security server had been an innocent mistake.

Getty Images

22/26 Gordon Sondland

In explosive testimony, one of the men at the centre of the scandal got right to the point in his opening testimony: “Was there a quid pro quo? Yes,” said the US ambassador to the EU who was a prime mover in efforts in Ukraine to link the release of military aid with investigations into the president’s political opponents. He said that everyone knew what was going on, implicating vice-president Mike Pence and secretary of state Mike Pompeo. The effect of his evidence is perhaps best illustrated by the reaction of Mr Trump who went from calling Sondland a “great American” a few weeks earlier to claiming that he barely knew him.

23/26 Laura Cooper

A Pentagon official, Cooper said Ukrainian officials knew that US aid was being withheld before it became public knowledge in August – undermining a Republican argument that there can’t have been a quid pro quo between aid and investigations if the Ukrainians didn’t know that aid was being withheld.

Getty Images

24/26 David Hale

The third most senior official at the state department. Hale testified about the treatment of Marie Yovanovitch and the smear campaign that culminated in her being recalled from her posting as US ambassador to Ukraine. He said: “I believe that she should have been able to stay at post and continue to do the outstanding work.”

25/26 Fiona Hill

Arguably the most confident and self-possessed of the witnesses in the public hearings phase, the Durham-born former NSC Russia expert began by warning Republicans not to keep repeating Kremlin-backed conspiracy theories. In a distinctive northeastern English accent, Dr Hill went on to describe how she had argued with Gordon Sondland about his interference in Ukraine matters until she realised that while she and her colleagues were focused on national security, Sondland was “being involved in a domestic political errand”. She said: “I did say to him, ‘Ambassador Sondland, Gordon, this is going to blow up’. And here we are.”

26/26 David Holmes

The Ukraine-based diplomat described being in a restaurant in Kiev with Gordon Sondland while the latter phoned Donald Trump. Holmes said he could hear the president on the other end of the line – because his voice was so “loud and distinctive” and because Sondland had to hold the phone away from his ear – asking about the “investigations” and whether the Ukrainian president would cooperate.

1/26 Donald Trump

Accused of abusing his office by pressing the Ukrainian president in a July phone call to help dig up dirt on Joe Biden, who may be his Democratic rival in the 2020 election. He also believes that Hillary Clinton’s deleted emails - a key factor in the 2016 election - may be in Ukraine, although it is not clear why.

2/26 The Whistleblower

Believed to be a CIA agent who spent time at the White House, his complaint was largely based on second and third-hand accounts from worried White House staff. Although this is not unusual for such complaints, Trump and his supporters have seized on it to imply that his information is not reliable. Expected to give evidence to Congress voluntarily and in secret.

3/26 The Second Whistleblower

The lawyer for the first intelligence whistleblower is also representing a second whistleblower regarding the President's actions. Attorney Mark Zaid said that he and other lawyers on his team are now representing the second person, who is said to work in the intelligence community and has first-hand knowledge that supports claims made by the first whistleblower and has spoken to the intelligence community's inspector general. The second whistleblower has not yet filed their own complaint, but does not need to to be considered an official whistleblower.

4/26 Rudy Giuliani

Former mayor of New York, whose management of the aftermath of the September 11 attacks in 2001 won him worldwide praise. As Trump’s personal attorney he has been trying to find compromising material about the president’s enemies in Ukraine in what some have termed a “shadow” foreign policy. In a series of eccentric TV appearances he has claimed that the US state department asked him to get involved. Giuliani insists that he is fighting corruption on Trump’s behalf and has called himself a “hero”.

5/26 Volodymyr Zelensky

The newly elected Ukrainian president - a former comic actor best known for playing a man who becomes president by accident - is seen frantically agreeing with Trump in the partial transcript of their July phone call released by the White House. With a Russian-backed insurgency in the east of his country, and the Crimea region seized by Vladimir Putin in 2014, Zelensky will have been eager to please his American counterpart, who had suspended vital military aid before their phone conversation. He says there was no pressure on him from Trump to do him the “favour” he was asked for. Zelensky appeared at an awkward press conference with Trump in New York during the United Nations general assembly, looking particularly uncomfortable when the American suggested he take part in talks with Putin.

AFP/Getty

6/26 Mike Pence

The vice-president was not on the controversial July call to the Ukrainian president but did get a read-out later. However, Trump announced that Pence had had “one or two” phone conversations of a similar nature, dragging him into the crisis. Pence himself denies any knowledge of any wrongdoing and has insisted that there is no issue with Trump’s actions. It has been speculated that Trump involved Pence as an insurance policy - if both are removed from power the presidency would go to Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, something no Republican would allow.

7/26 Rick Perry

Trump reportedly told a meeting of Republicans that he made the controversial call to the Ukrainian president at the urging of his own energy secretary, Rick Perry, and that he didn’t even want to. The president apparently said that Perry wanted him to talk about liquefied natural gas - although there is no mention of it in the partial transcript of the phone call released by the White House. It is thought that Perry will step down from his role at the end of the year.

8/26 Joe Biden

The former vice-president is one of the frontrunners to win the Democratic nomination, which would make him Trump’s opponent in the 2020 election. Trump says that Biden pressured Ukraine to sack a prosecutor who was investigating an energy company that Biden’s son Hunter was on the board of, refusing to release US aid until this was done. However, pressure to fire the prosecutor came on a wide front from western countries. It is also believed that the investigation into the company, Burisma, had long been dormant.

9/26 Hunter Biden

Joe Biden’s son has been accused of corruption by the president because of his business dealings in Ukraine and China. However, Trump has yet to produce any evidence of corruption and Biden’s lawyer insists he has done nothing wrong.

10/26 William Barr

The attorney-general, who proved his loyalty to Trump with his handling of the Mueller report, was mentioned in the Ukraine call as someone president Volodymyr Zelensky should talk to about following up Trump’s preoccupations with the Biden’s and the Clinton emails. Nancy Pelosi has accused Barr of being part of a “cover-up of a cover-up”.

11/26 Mike Pompeo

The secretary of state initially implied he knew little about the Ukraine phone call - but it later emerged that he was listening in at the time. He has since suggested that asking foreign leaders for favours is simply how international politics works. Gordon Sondland testified that Pompeo was "in the loop" and knew what was happening in Ukraine. Pompeo has been criticised for not standing up for diplomats under his command when they were publicly criticised by the president.

AFP via Getty

12/26 Nancy Pelosi

The Democratic Speaker of the House had long resisted calls from within her own party to back a formal impeachment process against the president, apparently fearing a backlash from voters. On September 24, amid reports of the Ukraine call and the day before the White House released a partial transcript of it, she relented and announced an inquiry, saying: “The president must be held accountable. No one is above the law.”

13/26 Adam Schiff

Democratic chairman of the House intelligence committee, one of the three committees leading the inquiry. He was criticized by Republicans for giving what he called a “parody” of the Ukraine phone call during a hearing, with Trump and others saying he had been pretending that his damning characterisation was a verbatim reading of the phone call. He has also been criticised for claiming that his committee had had no contact with the whistleblower, only for it to emerge that the intelligence agent had contacted a staff member on the committee for guidance before filing the complaint. The Washington Post awarded Schiff a “four Pinocchios” rating, its worst rating for a dishonest statement.

14/26 Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman

Florida-based businessmen and Republican donors Lev Parnas (pictured with Rudy Giuliani) and Igor Fruman were arrested on suspicion of campaign finance violations at Dulles International Airport near Washington DC on 9 October. Separately the Associated Press has reported that they were both involved in efforts to replace the management of Ukraine's gas company, Naftogaz, with new bosses who would steer lucrative contracts towards companies controlled by Trump allies. There is no suggestion of any criminal activity in these efforts.

15/26 William Taylor

The most senior US diplomat in Ukraine and the former ambassador there. As one of the first two witnesses in the public impeachment hearings, Taylor dropped an early bombshell by revealing that one of his staff – later identified as diplomat David Holmes – overheard a phone conversation in which Donald Trump could be heard asking about “investigations” the very day after asking the Ukrainian president to investigate his political enemies. Taylor expressed his concern at reported plans to withhold US aid in return for political smears against Trump’s opponents, saying: “It's one thing to try to leverage a meeting in the White House. It's another thing, I thought, to leverage security assistance -- security assistance to a country at war, dependent on both the security assistance and the demonstration of support."

Getty Images

16/26 George Kent

A state department official who appeared alongside William Taylor wearing a bow tie that was later mocked by the president. He accused Rudy Giuliani, Mr Trump’s personal lawyer, of leading a “campaign of lies” against Marie Yovanovitch, who was forced out of her job as US ambassador to Ukraine for apparently standing in the way of efforts to smear Democrats.

Getty Images

17/26 Marie Yovanovitch

One of the most striking witnesses to give evidence at the public hearings, the former US ambassador to Ukraine received a rare round of applause as she left the committee room after testifying. Canadian-born Yovanovitch was attacked on Twitter by Donald Trump while she was actually testifying, giving Democrats the chance to ask her to respond. She said she found the attack “very intimidating”. Trump had already threatened her in his 25 July phone call to the Ukrainian president saying: “She’s going to go through some things.” Yovanovitch said she was “shocked, appalled and devastated” by the threat and by the way she was forced out of her job without explanation.

18/26 Alexander Vindman

A decorated Iraq War veteran and an immigrant from the former Soviet Union, Lt Col Vindman began his evidence with an eye-catching statement about the freedoms America afforded him and his family to speak truth to power without fear of punishment. One of the few witnesses to have actually listened to Trump’s 25 July call with the Ukrainian president, he said he found the conversation so inappropriate that he was compelled to report it to the White House counsel. Trump later mocked him for wearing his military uniform and insisting on being addressed by his rank.

Getty Images

19/26 Jennifer Williams

A state department official acting as a Russia expert for vice-president Mike Pence, Ms Williams also listened in on the 25 July phone call. She testified that she found it “unusual” because it focused on domestic politics in terms of Trump asking a foreign leader to investigate his political opponents.

Getty Images

20/26 Kurt Volker

The former special envoy to Ukraine was one of the few people giving evidence who was on the Republican witness list although what he had to say may not have been too helpful to their cause. He dismissed the idea that Joe Biden had done anything corrupt, a theory spun without evidence by the president and his allies. He said that he thought the US should be supporting Ukraine’s reforms and that the scheme to find dirt on Democrats did not serve the national interest.

Getty Images

21/26 Tim Morrison

An expert on the National Security Council and another witness on the Republican list. He testified that he did not think the president had done anything illegal but admitted that he feared it would create a political storm if it became public. He said he believed the moving the record of the controversial 25 July phone call to a top security server had been an innocent mistake.

Getty Images

22/26 Gordon Sondland

In explosive testimony, one of the men at the centre of the scandal got right to the point in his opening testimony: “Was there a quid pro quo? Yes,” said the US ambassador to the EU who was a prime mover in efforts in Ukraine to link the release of military aid with investigations into the president’s political opponents. He said that everyone knew what was going on, implicating vice-president Mike Pence and secretary of state Mike Pompeo. The effect of his evidence is perhaps best illustrated by the reaction of Mr Trump who went from calling Sondland a “great American” a few weeks earlier to claiming that he barely knew him.

23/26 Laura Cooper

A Pentagon official, Cooper said Ukrainian officials knew that US aid was being withheld before it became public knowledge in August – undermining a Republican argument that there can’t have been a quid pro quo between aid and investigations if the Ukrainians didn’t know that aid was being withheld.

Getty Images

24/26 David Hale

The third most senior official at the state department. Hale testified about the treatment of Marie Yovanovitch and the smear campaign that culminated in her being recalled from her posting as US ambassador to Ukraine. He said: “I believe that she should have been able to stay at post and continue to do the outstanding work.”

25/26 Fiona Hill

Arguably the most confident and self-possessed of the witnesses in the public hearings phase, the Durham-born former NSC Russia expert began by warning Republicans not to keep repeating Kremlin-backed conspiracy theories. In a distinctive northeastern English accent, Dr Hill went on to describe how she had argued with Gordon Sondland about his interference in Ukraine matters until she realised that while she and her colleagues were focused on national security, Sondland was “being involved in a domestic political errand”. She said: “I did say to him, ‘Ambassador Sondland, Gordon, this is going to blow up’. And here we are.”

26/26 David Holmes

The Ukraine-based diplomat described being in a restaurant in Kiev with Gordon Sondland while the latter phoned Donald Trump. Holmes said he could hear the president on the other end of the line – because his voice was so “loud and distinctive” and because Sondland had to hold the phone away from his ear – asking about the “investigations” and whether the Ukrainian president would cooperate.

“[W]e implore Congress to take these danger signs seriously and to constrain his destructive impulses. We and many others are available to give important relevant recommendations as well as to educate the public so that we can maximise our collective safety,” the psychiatrists write.

While Dr Lee and her colleagues have previously offered themselves to be consulted by impeachment investigators, she told The Independent they felt it necessary to come forward once more because the US president is “is ramping up his conspiracy theories” and “showing a great deal of cruelty and vindictiveness” in his “accelerated, repetitive tweets,” which she explained are signs that he is “doubling and a tripling down on his delusions”.

“I believe that they fit the pattern of delusions rather than just plain lies,” she continued, pointing to the claim he made during a meeting with Jens Stoltenberg, Nato’s secretary-general, that “many legal scholars” were “looking at the transcripts” of his 25 July phone call with Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky and agreeing with his description of the call as “absolutely perfect” as an example of his pathology.

Watch more

Dr Lee, an expert on violence prevention, acknowledged that members of congress – especially Republicans who are supportive of the president – might dismiss the warning she and her colleagues are delivering as just a product of differences of political opinion, but stressed that the fact that they should be taken seriously because their training enables them to recognise Mr Trump is exhibiting “definitive signs of severe pathology of someone who requires an advanced level of care” and who “meets every criterion of lacking a rational  decision making capacity”.

“The one thing that we are trained to do is to distinguish between what is healthy and what is abnormal, and when the pattern of abnormality fits, then we recognise that it is pathology and not part of the wide variation of which healthy human beings are capable,” she said. “What we recognise is a pattern of disease and that may look like another political ideology or another political style to the everyday person who is unfamiliar with pathology, but to us it is a very recognisable pattern.”

Dr Lee explained that the president’s continued embrace of conspiracy theories was actually a public health issue because of his ability to draw members of the public into a “shared psychosis at the national level”.

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“His detachment from reality... his pathology is actually gaining ground more quickly than the ability of rational actors to bring up the facts,” she said, adding that the House should consider these issues in the same way they are examining the legal and constitutional aspects of impeachment. 

“They are having four constitutional scholars testify, but alongside the legal aspects, we must consider the psychological aspects. In fact, the psychological aspects are more basic because the legal process presumes psychological health and equipment and capacity,” she said.

Donald Trump ignores impeachment question as he leaves Downing Street

Dr Zinner, a former National Institutes of Mental Health researcher who has taught about and consulted with intelligence agencies on narcissistic personality disorders, told The Independent that members of congress need to be warned about the danger impeachment poses when the presidency is held by someone of Mr Trump’s pathology, which he described as a textbook case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

“Impeachment is the greatest threat to his self esteem that he’s experienced so far, and we’re very worried that his rage will be even more destructive than it’s been in the past,” he said.

He also dismissed Republicans who defend Mr Trump by claiming that his style is that of a blunt-talking New York businessman as “simply ignorant about the whole area of psychology that pertains to him”.

“These aren’t alternative viewpoints,” Dr Zinner explained, calling one “the product of very sound psychology... that comes from mainly from psychoanalytic theory, but is very established and sound and studied,” and the other “just ignorance and dismissiveness”.

Dr Zinner said the goal of the petition is to reach legislators to educate them. “Most people don’t really know this is a coherent, well-studied, well-defined condition,” he said.

“Even those that don’t dismiss [the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder] say, ‘well, you know, these are just a lot of random bad, insane behaviours,’ but they don’t see how it coheres around the self esteem issue,” he continued.

“And others, they say, ‘well, he’s a liar and he’s a cheat and he exploits people and all of that stuff,’ but those are just random traits, whereas all of it hangs together around his developmental deficiency of not having an internal stable self-esteem.”

Donald Trump repeatedly refused to believe intelligence briefings, former deputy director says

He rejected the suggestion that the so-called Goldwater rule prohibits him from speaking out on the president's mental state. The Goldwater rule suggests that it is unethical for psychiatrists to give opinions on the mental health of someone they have not personally examined.

But Dr Zinner said: "It's not a rule, it's really a principle or a standard, which is very different because the preamble of the code of ethics of the American Psychiatric Association that establishes the basic guidelines for the ethical canons says that a psychiatrist's responsibility, first and foremost, is to his or her patients and to society and to his colleagues and himself in that order.

"You know ... the people that have written most strongly in favour for the rule themselves have diagnosed Trump. In other words, they're total hypocrites," he said, before adding that a  one-on-one interview wasn't necessary to diagnose the president because of his myriad public statements and public behaviour.

Dr Post, who created psychological profiles of Israel’s former prime minister Menachem Begin and Egypt’s former president Anwar Sadat for former president Jimmy Carter to use when negotiating the Camp David Accords, and who founded the CIA’s Center for the Analysis of Personality and Political Behavior, told The Independent that evidence of Trump’s lack of self-esteem and the danger that impeachment will bring by exacerbating his precarious mental state can be found in the way he pardons convicted war criminals like Navy Chief Petty Officer Eddie Gallagher and labels them heroes.

“He’s identified with these war criminals because he knows that he’s being seen as a criminal. So he’s trying to redefine them as heroes, just like he is. People challenge his intelligence, so he accuses Maxine Walters of being ‘low IQ’ and says, but I’m a stable genius,” said Dr Post, who founded George Washington University’s Political Psychology Center after his retirement from the CIA.

Dr Post warned the strong connection between Mr Trump and his followers means the possibility he would call for violence against his perceived political enemies “cannot be discounted”.

“Watching his rallies, there’s an almost palpable connection between Trump and his followers, who have taken his invitation to externalize and project their problems upon [other groups],” he said. “He’s basically saying he understands where their problems are coming from and he will rescue them, so to hurt their rescuer is very painful [for his followers] indeed.”

Any challenge to Mr Trump’s power, whether impeachment or an election loss next November, could be a significant trauma for him and his supporters, Dr Post said. 

Asked for a prediction of how Mr Trump would react to either, Dr Post invoked the Welsh poet Dylan Thomas: “He will not go gentle into that good night, but will rage, rage at the dying of the light.”

[thenamesdoctor]

My final A.D. theory (Full circle)

Alright guys, I’m going to take one final crack at who A.D. is, their motive for doing this, and exactly how I believe it’ll full circle since Uber A (A.D) has been the real puppeteer this whole show. Also Wren is involved, he is on the A-team but NOT A.D. and I’m 98% certain of this. Something I wanna point out is what Marlene said how Wren comes back is connected and important with the A.D. reveal. We’ll come back to this later. 

Brace yourselves and get ready to read….it’s a long and HUGE full circle theory. 

(1) Marlene has said we haven’t met A.D. before BUT has always been around since the pilot. As I said, I thought Wren for 7 years being BIG -A and after Mar quoted this, we have met Wren many times and back in s4 those times were sketchy moments…. 

(2) Marlene then switched around her wording saying we’ve seen and heard of this person….if this is possible HOW can you see and hear of someone but never meet them? 

(3) And finally one big A.D. hint to me has been the obsession in finding out who killed Charlotte and ultimately gave it away for me.

So who is A.D.? First, I think A.D. abbreviates to ‘Accidental Death’ so with that being said A.D. is Bethany Young. ( I realize now someone is shaking their head like not possible or even hating the idea or cant find a motive…but trust me there is one. Hear me out and keep reading!)

(1) We’ve SEEN her only briefly and quite ‘young’. When we’ve seen her we aren’t actually seeing her face (aside from being a little girl) because she’s always covering it and therefore we aren’t actually meeting her but there is a reason for this (wait for it, wait for it…)

(2) We’ve HEARD of her and her voice, (recorded tapes from Radley & Cece’s story of Charles again at Radley.)

(3) She has been around since the Pilot. (THIS part is kinda annoying because clearly throughout the show we didn’t know of Bethany until Alison returned from the ‘dead’ and we then knew another girl was in her grave)…which brought on the semi-story of her that we are still trying to put the pieces together about. (There is a reason I said this). All we knew at first was she escaped Radley at age 17 the night of Alison’s disappearance and was murdered.

Later on we found out: 

Mrs Dilaurentis would take Bethany out sometimes to ride horses.

Knew her father and Jessica had an affair (Despised Mrs D after)

She liked to draw (She drew Mrs Cavanaugh’s death, Jessica Dilaurentis face with hatred words and gardening with a monster in the back, she even drew a few distorted selfies of herself, and a young boy being taken away.) 

SOMEHOW she had matching Ali clothes from that night and the same bracelet.

Was coming to visit Alison Labor Day and meet her friends, Ali is also who supposedly gave Bethany the matching outfit. (letter)

Been in Radley since a little girl and made friends with Charles (aka Charlotte aka Cece Drake!)

Murdered Mrs Cavanaugh for fear of her snitching on Charles for wearing his dress. (Blamed Charles so Mrs Dilaurentis had to come in and cover it up)

Escaped Radley wearing the matching yellow outfit given to Charlotte the night she was killed to confront Jessica over her affair with her father.

Was accidentally ‘murdered’ by Mona (or that’s what she thought) She thought she was Alison due to the matching clothes and blonde hair.

Melissa Hastings accidentally did kill Bethany by thinking she was Ali already dead (which she was unconscious) and that Spencer really hit her with the shovel after their fight. Trying to cover this up, she buried Bethany (the same spot Ali was buried and dug up from) and she died of suffocation.

Wren Kingston found out Melissa killed Bethany and blew up, broke up, and stopped talking to her.

Phew…wow what a hand cramp…all these were from memory so forgive me if I forgot anything. You get the general idea that Bethany has been a BIG role in the show it just took a long time to see this. And we aren’t done. Not by a long shot.

Lets talk about the Alison Dilaurentis we used to know (definitely different from the one we have now). Queen bee or bitch Alison. Always in charge and that’s how it had to be around her. IF you tried to step out of line she would destroy you. Take Jenna Marshall for example, she came to Rosewood as the new girl. Alison was jealous someone was about to steal her spotlight so she gave Jenna the choice join her group and be a follower or make an enemy. Jenna chose option 2 and look where that got her.

I believe this letter is proof Alison did know Bethany maybe even wrote trying to lure her to Rosewood to hurt her. I think its entirely possible Alison was again jealous of Bethany. Maybe she was prettier? Again Rosewood was Alison’s town and essentially PLL has been Alison’s show for so long…but I think we’ve been wrong. The real story here has been about Bethany. She’s been the real star all thanks to Alison.  

What’s wrong with Bethany? Why can’t we see her face?

So we don’t really know too much backstory of Bethany’s mental health aside from what they should have diagnosed her with at Radley but instead Charles was falsely diagnosed with Intermittent explosive disorder and Bethany definitely had this, not Charles.

I bet she also has a form of OCD because her obsession of having to dress like Alison and Charles/Charlotte is very dangerous also very unhealthy as if she’s trying to be them.

We also don’t know who her parents are or if any of this mental state runs in the family (We’ll get to that)

So about her face always being covered. That’s gonna be a big reveal whether she turns out to be a twin (Spencer or Ali my guess?) or (and what I truly believe) her face is deformed/burned (just like how she draws herself in pictures). As you see in the above picture, her face was fine young so it’s something that happens later on. 

So what happened? Here is the full-circle bit.

I think Jenna and Bethany were friends. Possibly before Jenna moved to Rosewood because Bethany isn’t from there. She’s from Bryn Mawr a town ten minutes outside of Rosewood and Jenna maybe had moved from there too? Or maybe they knew each other another way? Besides the how, I definitely think they were and during ‘The Jenna Thing’ when Alison looks inside the garage, she throws the ‘bomb’ in there after she’s seen something. 

We only assume it was Jenna but she ‘claims’ she had no idea she was in there. I bet Jenna had company, I bet Bethany was also inside. Alison tells the girls to take off without sharing who or what she seen inside.The bomb sets off, everything catches fire, Jenna is blinded and Bethany is severely burned. 

Her once pretty face is ruined. (MOTIVE #1 REVENGE)

The reason I think it’ll all go back to ‘The Jenna thing’? Besides Alison disappearing that was the second biggest secret on the show. -A played with fire a lot, the idea of burning one or more of the liars came up plenty of times.  ( Ex: -A torching Hanna’s doll face, The girls getting locked in The Hastings cabin on fire, Black Widow mask deformed and burned, Toddler Charles setting baby Alison a HOT bath, Aria getting set on fire at Lucas’s loft) 

Probably more but again you get the idea.

So finally we’ve reached Wren! So where does he fit in?

First, I want to talk about what Wren told Hanna a while back in s3 that his father was a patient at Radley when he was a little boy and said its why he became a doctor to help people also why he said he transferred to Radley as their doctor. (Lets take a quick walk down memory lane at what Mona caught him at which was not being able to spell diagnoses.) EVERY doctor should know this. Wren is not a real doctor but that’s the most we ever heard of Wren’s backstory. 

There is only one other man in this show who also had mental health problems (besides Mike) and that was Aria and Mike’s uncle Scott Montgomery. (Byron’s brother) He was briefly mentioned in s2 due to Mike starting to show signs of depression and the Montgomery’s feared it was just like Scott. 

We don’t actually know what happened to Scott but we’re left to fill in the gaps. It’s leading us to believe he took his own life because of what Byron said “My parents left Scott alone and look what happened.” Scott is once again mentioned briefly later on when Aria tells her friends its her uncle’s cabin (but its really Ezra’s). 

Lets go back to Bethany and the town she’s from ‘Byrn Mawr’. Well it does abbreviate as B.M. and its Byrn (Byron M?) I think that’s a clear play with words but when looked up it is part of Montgomery county.

And now lets take a look back at one of Bethany’s signature drawings. The one with the little girl running after a demon taking a little boy away. 

So here are my thoughts:

Scott Montgomery is definitely dead, I just don’t think he died as young as they seem to want you to believe or if he did, he possibly had kids, a boy and a girl, Wren and Bethany. Mental Illness was hereditary at least what we know of with Bethany. (Maybe Wren too but unknown ) 

Unknown about their mother but since their dad was gone they had one chance to go with immediate family before being put into the system (more than likely separated). Bryon didn't want them. Maybe due to Bethany being dangerous? Maybe Bethany tried to hurt Aria or Mike when they were little? But Byron wanted nothing to do with it, he had his own family.

So with no luck from their family, Wren was put into the system but Bethany was admitted into Radley like her father once was. Completely separated and possible Wren couldn’t contact his sister. Wren was fostered into a UK family where either they had a biological son already or another foster son but his name was Archer Dunhill. As Wren grew he developed his British accent.

Meanwhile, Bethany was still at Radley and going more into future timeline during ‘The Jenna thing’ Wren is pissed and blames himself because he wasn’t able to be there to help his sister when she needed him. He is also angry at what the girls did to her. (unknowing it was all Ali and the liars had no idea) they still never fessed up so in his eyes still to blame. (MOTIVE #1 VENGEANCE FOR BETHANY)

They both come together with another common motive. (MOTIVE #2 HATRED) They can never get back what they missed in each others lives growing up, they hate their family for abandoning them. Unfortunately for Aria she was probably really young when she seen her cousins last and the Montgomery’s think it’s best she doesn’t remember but since she’s family, she is part of this.

Wren started acting very sketchy back in s3 & s4 literally getting into the girls business a lot, stalking Hanna and Spencer still, and then disappeared but we already knew he was helping Cece out which pretty much confirmed part of the team. Eddy Lamb was really terrified of Wren too, he knew something was wrong and he shouldn’t be trusted. Then Eddy mysteriously disappeared too…

Also makes sense why Aria is confused Eddy Lamb said he’s seen her before when she was at Radley. She has probably gone to visit her Uncle in the past or even Bethany. (Possible Bethany had resembled Aria in the face too). Aria has also NEVER shared a scene with Wren which I find kinda odd…

Also going back to s1 and a few more future seasons there have been a lot of incorrect spelling -A messages, clearly they haven’t been Mona because she’s smarter than that. She called Wren out on his ‘diagnoses’ spelling so I’m lead to believe these past -A messages have been Wren and its just spelt the English way. (ex: nosey bitches). Plus all the UK/British references in the show had to be vivid hints.

A.D. (Bethany) is playing the game not only for her revenge but also revenge on whoever killed Charlotte, she is obsessed and needs answers and will kill whoever it is. (I personally think its Mona). Endgame is wrapping up everything, putting all the pieces together for the liars about Bethany and the real reason they’ve been tormented. (The puzzle pieces on the game will map out a drawing of Bethany’s whether as just a map leading them somewhere or clue revealing who they are.)

This also makes perfect sense as to why Wren snapped and broke up with Melissa Hastings again after finding out she ‘killed’ his sister (Which he now knows she’s still alive and they are finally working together). But with this, I feel like one sibling can have a shot at redemption. So a part of me thinks in the endgame with A.D. will become a battle with Wren and his sister.

His connection isn’t just she’s his sister but also he will try to stop her. Bethany is too far gone mentally for her to just quit. He might even have to kill her to do this. (ultimately, I want Endgame to end with A.D. dying its more proper as a final end for me.)

And that’s my theory. I hope you enjoyed and sorry it took forever to get here but I wanted to map it out full-circle back to the start of everything. If you sat through the whole thing then you must be a real fan who needs answers and closure as much as I do!

-Theory girl.

[andrewuttaro]

New Look Sabres: GM 75 - NJD - Don’t Skip

Instant Family is a heart-warming little family comedy I recommend a lot; truly another great job by Mark Wahlberg. I am just a sucker for those kinds of movies. I have been skipping out on Sabres games lately for obviously more enjoyable nights with my wife and Instant Family was a great movie choice for another one of those nights. As much as it is a smart thing to worry about your own mental health and take a breather from the things that stress you out I was wrong to skip the Sabres tonight if for only the fact that they’re the Buffalo Sabres of March 2019. It’s over, that is the competitive part of the season. It’s over and we’re all adjusting to the familiar reality. But I’m saying don’t skip the Sabres because tonight’s performance against the New Jersey Devils was another flash. It was another flash of the growing excellence of this team. I know it was a loss, three in a row again now. I know the amount of losses they’ve accumulated, and I even now know that there is a decent chance their 2018-2019 second half of the season is going to be worst than their 2017-2018 second half of the season when they fell ass-backwards onto one of the shittiest seasons in franchise history. I know all the disappointing shit. I was thinking about how I wrote about this team last night. I was thinking maybe my optimistic side is featured a little too prominently on this blog. I started thinking maybe I am too optimistic, and it actually hurts the quality of this blog for being blind to certain facts. It was at this point I was driving home from work and listened to the first segment of Mike Schopp and the Bulldog on WGR 550 and a discussion about what losing Jeff Skinner this offseason would mean to the fanbase and the business that is the Buffalo Sabres. Skinner leaving or staying is a conversation for later or another post, but it was the epiphany that I hadn’t realized something that half of Sabres twitter is grappling with already that really hit me: at this juncture if he doesn’t go to Free Agency it would be more surprising. Why hasn’t he signed yet? If the two sides are as close as we’re led to believe than why no pen to paper? It wouldn’t be in Skinner’s best interest to not test free agency at this point. It was in this really scared state I allowed myself to become truly pessimistic about the Sabres. I avoided the game tonight at first feeling like I was protecting myself.

Then I saw the first period highlights. By the time the movie was over the final score was rolling in and then I saw the shots total. After wrapping the night’s fun with the wife, I watched the clips. I saw Sam Reinhart’s wonky center-ice goal and Jack Eichel’s almost goal on the powerplay. I looked at that shots total again and even took another look at the available highlights. Buffalo outshot and out-defended the Devils in the back two frames and some of the skill I saw on display made me think. I thought about how I was prepared to disavow my optimism from last night’s Montreal New Look Sabres. I had the day’s second epiphany: I’m not the GM of this team so I shouldn’t worry about the Skinner contract too much; but, and this is a big but, that does not mean optimism isn’t as insightful or important to fans as the stats and more realistic/pessimistic insights. Look: I agree that whether or not Skinner signs the offseason should be approached in a way of underestimating everyone because that’s smart team-building. When Patrik Berglund didn’t pan out as a second line center for very good reasons Casey Mittelstadt more or less took on that role we all knew he wasn’t ready for yet. Smart GM-ing is preparing for all those situations. That is all well and good and I agree but look at this team that played in blue and gold (actually mostly white) in New Jersey in this game. I am so optimistic not because of some stupid blind faith. I am so optimistic because this club already has sparks of what is a bright, beautiful future. Yeah, I chuckled a little bit reading back yesterday’s post where I called the 2020s the decade of the Buffalo Sabres. I was going a little over the top there. But it’s not for a lack of reasons to believe that might be true.

Yeah, tonight isn’t a normal one of these New Look Sabres. I guess you got a tiny little recap early in that last paragraph if you’re really into that. I’m not the numbers guy if that isn’t totally clear after that stream of consciousness you just read. I have nothing against the numbers guys, I love them in fact. Those guys are advancing the sport. However, Alex Nylander on the best stretch of his career is a fucking miracle! It’s like when Jesus raised Lazarus from the tomb, and he smelled like shit because he had been dead in the cave for three days and everyone called him a bust because the guys who went around him in his draft were so much better so much faster. Okay, I conflated two entirely different stories there but what I’m trying to say should be getting clearer here: the stuff we’re dragging on is only half the picture. The other half of the picture is all the stuff that’s clicking! The win streak was so much fun not just because it was the first such win streak since that golden era ’06-’07 team or that it seemed like the team had finally gotten fun after what seemed like an eternity of mediocrity; no the part we don’t talk about is that it was in part so fun because for a couple shining, snowing weeks in November we thought the corner had been turned! We all know it: we got the pieces. There are more pieces needed but the frames are all in and maybe even some of the electrical and insolation! That was a metaphor straight out of Instant Family. Watch that movie, it’s on Redbox right now fyi. What I’m saying is we choose to be pessimists and point out the pain first because that’s easier and it feels like that’s safer considering all the shit we’ve been through as Sabres fans the last few years. I can worry about Jeff Skinner signing or I can think about the corner getting turned real good real soon. Tonight’s game made me not worry. Tonight’s game was another flash of what we got a prolonged sneak-peak of back in November: The Buffalo Sabres team that is going to rock our worlds real soon. I guess what I’m saying is don’t skip like I did. Instant Family was a great movie but one day we’ll look back on these times for all the suffering and not be able to see the sparks that revealed what would soon be. I’m going to remember the good and the bad together because I want this whole team, not just the fun parts. Rant over.

Believe it or not I did not sit down thinking this would be a big pep talk. I did not mean to make what I just wrote. It just kind of… flowed out of me there. I mean every word of it and you should share this blog with your friends because they’ll get this and the more normal, fun stuff that I like to think defines this blog. Share but also comment and tell me if I’m the right balance of optimistic and realistic. I know I’m not, but I want to hear what you think. Drop a heart/like well you’re at it. Whatever is coming next after these next seven games is what it is. I don’t know if something will happen after locker cleanout and exit interviews. What I do know is that there is too much good here to be able to easily screw it up. The Sabres are not a lost cause, they’re not even lost yet. I wore my Rasmus Dahlin Draft shirt to work today and I felt the joy of Jack and Dahlin. Let’s feel some joy with this team. Take some of that joy to Senators fans tomorrow: imagine being where they are. Let’s Go Buffalo!

Thanks for reading.

P.S. I have gone far too long without mentioning the incredible season the Buffalo Beauts had. Losing in OT in the Final is a feeling only the Beauts can give you right now in this City. Once more: it is unreal to have any team in this City so dominant to have gone to four straight Isobel Cup Finals.

[nebris]

By Jennifer Senior, Opinion columnist, April 5, 2020 NY Times

Since the early days of the Trump administration, an impassioned group of mental health professionals have warned the public about the president’s cramped and disordered mind, a darkened attic of fluttering bats. Their assessments have been controversial. The American Psychiatric Association’s code of ethics expressly forbids its members from diagnosing a public figure from afar.

Enough is enough. As I’ve argued before, an in-person analysis of Donald J. Trump would not reveal any hidden depths — his internal sonar could barely fathom the bottom of a sink — and these are exceptional, urgent times. Back in October, George T. Conway III, the conservative lawyer and husband of Kellyanne, wrote a long, devastating essay for The Atlantic, noting that Trump has all the hallmarks of narcissistic personality disorder. That disorder was dangerous enough during times of prosperity, jeopardizing the moral and institutional foundations of our country.

But now we’re in the midst of a global pandemic. The president’s pathology is endangering not just institutions, but lives.

Let’s start with the basics. First: Narcissistic personalities like Trump harbor skyscraping delusions about their own capabilities. They exaggerate their accomplishments, focus obsessively on projecting power, and wish desperately to win.

What that means, during this pandemic: Trump says we’ve got plenty of tests available, when we don’t. He declares that Google is building a comprehensive drive-thru testing website, when it isn’t. He sends a Navy hospital ship to New York and it proves little more than an excuse for a campaign commercial, arriving and sitting almost empty in the Hudson. A New York hospital executive calls it a joke.

Second: The grandiosity of narcissist personalities belies an extreme fragility, their egos as delicate as foam. They live in terror of being upstaged. They’re too thin skinned to be told they’re wrong.

What that means, during this pandemic: Narcissistic leaders never have, as Trump likes to say, the best people. They have galleries of sycophants. With the exceptions of Drs. Anthony Fauci and Deborah Birx, Trump has surrounded himself with a Z-team of dangerously inexperienced toadies and flunkies — the bargain-bin rejects from Filene’s Basement — at a time when we require the brightest and most imaginative minds in the country.

Faced with a historic public health crisis, Trump could have assembled a first-rate company of disaster preparedness experts. Instead he gave the job to his son-in-law, a man-child of breathtaking vapidity. Faced with a historic economic crisis, Trump could have assembled a team of Nobel-prize winning economists or previous treasury secretaries. Instead he talks to Larry Kudlow, a former CNBC host.

Meanwhile, Fauci and Birx measure every word they say like old-time apothecaries, hoping not to humiliate the narcissist — never humiliate a narcissist — while discreetly correcting his false hopes and falsehoods. They are desperately attempting to create a safe space for our president, when the president should be creating a safer nation for all of us.

Third: Narcissistic personalities love nothing more than engineering conflict and sowing division. It destabilizes everyone, keeps them in control.

What that means, during this pandemic: Trump is pitting state against state for precious resources, rather than coordinating a national response. (“It’s like being on eBay,” complained Gov. Andrew Cuomo of New York last week.) His White House is a petty palace of competing power centers. He picks fights with Democratic officials and members of the press, when all the public craves is comfort.

Narcissistic personalities don’t do comfort. They cannot fathom the needs of other hearts.

Fourth: Narcissistic personalities are vindictive. On a clear day, you can see their grudges forever.

What that means, during this pandemic: Trump is playing favorites with governors who praise him and punishing those who fail to give him the respect he believes he deserves. “If they don’t treat you right, don’t call,” he told Vice President Mike Pence.

His grudge match with New York is now especially lethal. When asked on Friday whether New York will have enough ventilators, Trump bluntly answered “No,” and then blamed the state.

And most relevant, as far as history is concerned: Narcissistic personalities are weak.

What that means, during this pandemic: Trump is genuinely afraid to lead. He can’t bring himself to make robust use of the Defense Production Act, because the buck would stop with him. (To this day, he insists states should be acquiring their own ventilators.) When asked about delays in testing, he said, “I don’t take responsibility at all.” During Friday’s news conference, he added the tests “we inherited were “broken, were obsolete,” when this form of coronavirus didn’t even exist under his predecessor.

This sounds an awful lot like one of the three sentences that Homer Simpson swears will get you through life: “It was like that when I got here.”

Most people, even the most hotheaded and difficult ones, have enough space in their souls to set aside their anger in times of crisis. Think of Rudolph Giuliani during Sept. 11. Think of Andrew Cuomo now.

But every aspect of Trump’s crisis management has been annexed by his psychopathology. As Americans die, he boasts about his television ratings. As Americans die, he crows that he’s No. 1 on Facebook, which isn’t close to true.

But it is true that all eyes are on him. He’s got a captive audience, an attention-addict’s dream come to life. It’s just that he, like all narcissistic personalities, has no clue how disgracefully — how shamefully, how deplorably — he’ll be enshrined in memory.

[trendingnewsb]

Congress no closer to any vote on guns, almost three weeks after school massacre

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Video

Trump seizes spotlight on guns

Turns emotional debate into gripping television.

President Trump was crystal clear on federal firearms policy this week: Seize weapons from people under certain circumstances without due process and rename a gun bill now before Congress.

The president declared the government should confiscate firearms from some people who may struggle with mental illness.

“I like taking the guns early,” Trump said. “Take the guns first. Go through due process second.”

The president also confidently instructed lawmakers to revise the heading on legislation designed to bolster the National Instant Criminal Background Check System, known as the “Fix NICS” measure.

“Maybe you change the title,” he told them at Wednesday’s White House firearms confab. “The ‘U.S. Background Check Bill,’ or whatever.” 

And with that, Trump presented Congress with concrete directions on how to solve the nation’s scourge of gun violence.

It’s now been two-and-a-half weeks since the massacre at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, in Parkland, Florida. Yet any action guns is at least another few weeks away — if ever.

The Senate leadership can’t forge an agreement to consider any gun bill next week, planning instead to wrestle with a handful of nominations and a banking-reform package.

Saying that Congress is close to debating firearms is like saying the curling competition is about to wrap up at the Winter Olympics.

Sen. Mike Lee, R-Utah, blocked the Senate this week from launching debate on the background checks bill. Many Democrats and some Republicans want to address more than just better background checks. But nobody is sure the chamber can ever reach an accord just to start debate on any firearms legislation.

Congress has faced this crossroads before — Columbine, Virginia Tech, Aurora, Newtown, Charleston, San Bernardino, Orlando, Las Vegas … .

Lawmakers of both parties have professed that things were “different” after each of those episodes.

Still …

“We’re at a tipping point,” observed Rep. Elizabeth Esty, D-Conn., at the White House meeting. Esty represents Newtown.

Sen. Bob Casey, D-Pa., wasn’t at the meeting and disagreed with Esty’s assessment.

“I’m not sure this will be a tipping point,” he said. “But it’s my sense that the ground has moved. Maybe ever so slightly. But at least enough that politicians can’t run and hide on this.”

So just how seismic was the attack at Parkland? Did the tectonic political plates really shift to compel legislative movement? How seismic were any of the other mass shootings? They certainly seemed to be seismic.

But none evoked a c ongressional response. In other words, the other mass shootings were just fissures. Despite astonishing events, perhaps the “big one” really hasn’t hit yet on guns. A gun attack so violent that it will tear apart the San Andreas Fault on this issue and force action.

A number of Senate Republicans tell Fox their conference is divided on what to do, if anything at all. Fox is told there is one wing of Republicans that just wants to do “something.” Members of that wing fear voters will torch them if they don’t move. At the White House meeting, Trump admonished congressional Republicans for being “petrified” of the NRA.

“I think you underestimate the power of the gun lobby,” shot back Sen. Chris Murphy, D-Conn.

And that’s the problem for the GOP. Democrats like Murphy have long experienced the NRA. But Republicans aren’t used to incurring the NRA’s wrath.

What looms is how Trump led another summit earlier this winter on immigration and DACA – then reversed course.

“Is this the Tuesday Trump or the Thursday Trump?” asked Sen. Jeff Flake, R-Ariz., of the gun convocation. “It’s a Wednesday, so we don’t know.”

“If the president has another one of these sessions and he doesn’t follow through, it’s going to hurt him,” predicted Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C. “It’s going to hurt the Republican Party.”

But what if some Republicans run afoul of Second Amendment advocates? Senate GOP primaries are coming up. Some Republicans could vote for a gun plan which, heretofore, flies in the face of conventional GOP orthodoxy on firearms, and then face a beat-down in their primary.

Look at how GOP Senate hopeful Danny Tarkanian could deploy such approach against Sen. Dean Heller, R-Nevada, or Republican Senate candidate Chris McDaniel against incumbent GOp Mississippi Sen. Roger Wicker.

Some Republicans are privately apoplectic about what the president said about guns at the White House meeting.

“It did more harm than good,” said one Republican congressional source. “If (former President Barack) Obama would have said what (President) Trump said about guns, there would be riots in the streets.”

Right-wing activists warned for years that Obama, Hillary Clinton, California Sen. Dianne Feinstein and a host of other Democrats were coming to “get” people’s guns. The scare tactics inflated the price of firearms and ammo. And then on Wednesday, Trump — of all people — said he would seize some guns.

That freaked out congressional Republicans.

“We’re in a really bad place on this,” said one GOP senator who asked to not be identified. “We can’t do anything.”

There’s risk in the gun debate for Democrats, too.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, D-N.Y., earlier this week introduced a three-point plan on firearms. Schumer’s scheme includes a debate on assault weapons. But this is a perilous path. A number of vulnerable Senate Democrats face competitive races this year in swing states or territory in which Trump is popular. Taking a tough gun vote could put those Democrats in a jam.

When asked about Schumer’s gambit, one Democratic senator with a challenging race this fall pulled no punches on the minority leader: “He’s stupid,” the senator said.

And don’t forget that Trump says he wants a bunch of proposals shoehorned into a solitary, gargantuan, comprehensive bill.

That rarely works in Washington.

Enter the “Goldilocks” factor: crafting a bill that’s “not too hot, not too cold, but just right.”

Legislation is all about “sweeteners” and “poison pills.” You could coax just enough lawmakers to vote yes on a bill if you add precisely the right sweeteners. Mix in the wrong ingredient, and you have a poison pill that drains support from the legislation.

There’s talk the House and Senate could just move an enhanced background checks measure and nothing else. Well, the House attached the enhanced background checks provision as a “sweetener” to a gun plan last year.

The base bill granted reciprocity for concealed carry permits across state lines — a priority of the NRA. The House approved the legislation and sent it to the Senate.

Concealed carry reciprocity across state lines won’t command 60 yeas in the Senate to break a filibuster. So, the natural inclination is to strip out the reciprocity provision. Does the bill then automatically score 60 ayes? Unclear. Democrats may demand the Senate do more on guns than just background checks.

Let’s say the Senate does approve a lean background checks measure, sans concealed carry reciprocity.

The Senate then sends the measure back to the House to sync up. The House Freedom Caucus and other conservatives would likely oppose the package because leaders extracted concealed carry reciprocity.

Under conventional circumstances, Democrats could make up the difference created by Republican defectors and vote yes for background checks.

However, there’s a problem. House Democrats might now oppose the legislation because they would demand extras on assault weapons and other gun limitations. The House could struggle to pass the retooled bill.

So, nobody is clear where this is headed — if it’s headed anywhere at all.

“Votes are hard to get in Congress,” Trump said at the Wednesday session.

Votes are hard on health care, tax reform and even foreign policy. But votes on gun legislation are the hardest of all.

Otherwise, Congress would have dealt with this a long time ago.

Trending in Politics

Congress no closer to any vote on guns, almost three weeks after school massacre

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2018/03/03/congress-no-closer-to-any-vote-on-guns-almost-three-weeks-after-school-massacre.html

from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2FCpIo3 via Viral News HQ

[revengive-blog]

Basic Josh Headcanon

I want to put together an overview of my various headcanons. I wouldn’t expect anyone to read all of this, so if you’re curious about any specific headcanons I have, I’ve included headers. This includes headcanon on Josh’s mental illness, what he Did Wrong, his sexuality, and his relationships.

Josh’s Mental Illness

NOTE: While I myself have bipolar disorder, if you ever think that I have portrayed Josh’s mental illness in a way that's problematic, I’m open to discussion and suggestions (as long as  you aren’t rude about it, since it is personal for me).

My version of Joshua has bipolar disorder with bouts of psychotic depression. His condition was worsened by being misdiagnosed with major depressive disorder and by his own misuse of his medication and alcohol and drug use.

When Josh is manic, he is highly energetic, impulsive, and irritable. He will often talk too fast and try to do too many things at once. He thinks of this as when he’s in “party mode” and it is when his substance abuse and irresponsible sexual behavior are often at their worst. His behavior is often dismissed with “boys will be boys” and can even be exciting for those around him, so it was ignored as part of his mental illness.

When Josh is depressed, he becomes lethargic, hopeless, difficulty concentrating, and suicidal ideation. Because these symptoms were less “fun” and got in the way of his schoolwork, they were taken more seriously. He was put into therapy at age 11 because he expressed suicidal thoughts after struggling at school with being bullied, getting into fights, and being disruptive and belligerent. 

His parents didn’t want anyone to know their son was in therapy, including his own sisters, so his mental illness (which they considered to be “just” depression) was kept a secret.

His mental state became much worse when his sisters disappeared and he exhibited his first signs of psychotic depression. These signs were thought to be caused by his improper use of his medication, since many of his symptoms coincided with withdrawal symptoms of his medication. It was in this state, haunted by his extreme feelings of guilt, that he secretly went to Blackwood to begin setting up his “prank”.

Did Josh Do Anything Wrong?

Yes. He directly caused his friends emotional trauma, particularly for Chris, Ashley, and Sam. Also, in some scenarios he punches Ashley.

However, there are factors to keep in mind.

The mental illness and grief are not excuses, but they are reasons. His ability to think clearly was severely impaired, and his poor judgement (for example, thinking that YouTube fame would make up for all of it) is a result of that. While his actions as the “psycho” and his disordered speech are more obvious signs of his instability, consider the hours he put into creating not only a replica of his own body to create believable gore, but also a ghost/zombie of his dead sister.

Josh did not intentionally put anyone in real mortal danger, since he was completely unaware of the Wendigos or any other real threats on the mountain. 

Their group of friends also participated in pranks, presumably before the prank on Hannah and certainly after (see: Chris’s monk costume). Considering the mental state Josh was in, that environment made it easier for him to think of his own prank as reasonable--although it obviously wasn’t.

BUT YES. He did things wrong. That is not something I would ever ignore.

Sexuality

Joshua can be extremely sexually active or completely uninterested in sex. There is very little in between for him. However, he will pretend to always have a heightened interest in sex, as he thinks that’s normal behavior, even when his depression or his medication have all but killed his sex drive. 

If asked (and sometimes even if he’s not asked) Joshua will present himself as straight. He may even come across as slightly homophobic. However, Joshua has had several sexual encounters with men and has previously developed romantic feelings toward men. He also downplays any romantic interest toward women, insisting that he is only interested in them sexually. In truth, he is bisexual and biromantic--he just can’t imagine himself in a long term relationship due to his erratic and difficult personality.

Relationships

(These descriptions are to be used with other characters. For example, if I’m RPing with a Chris, we’ll discuss their backstory first and I’ll favor that instead of my predetermined headcanon. However, if I’m RPing with a Sam, I’ll use the Chris headcanon I have listed here.)

Beth

Josh and Beth were very close. Beth understood that Josh wasn’t the bro-dude tough-guy he pretended to be, and Josh was the person that she could talk to when no one else would listen. When he was struggling hardest with his suicidal thoughts, she bought a matching set of bracelets for both of them to wear so that he could always remember how much he meant to her even when she wasn’t there to say it. He never takes the bracelet off, even after her death.

Hannah

Josh and Beth were both protective of Hannah, because they both considered her to be more sensitive than they were. He and Hannah bonded over their shared interest in sports and she often went to him about her boy problems, because she thought he was more understanding than Beth. In reality, Beth was trying to look out for Hannah to keep her out of bad situations while Josh wanted her to be happy so much that sometimes he’d ignore the potential dangers. 

Parents

Josh’s relationship with his parents is strained. Since his diagnosis of major depressive disorder, he feels like they treated him different. He was sure his mother always favored the twins, but he’d been close with his father before. As he got older, his father began to become impatient with is mental illness, thinking that Josh could just “snap out of it” if he tried hard enough.

After the disappearance of his sisters, his worsening mental health, and him dropping out of college, things have become strained to the point that he and his parents hardly speak. The only thing he and his mother talk about are his sisters, and his father has simply closed him out almost entirely.

Chris

Best friend since third grade, etc. etc. Chris is the friend that Josh was most honest and open with. Chris is the only friend who he ever confided in regarding his depression and his suicidal thoughts. As such, his friendship with Chris was incredibly important to him, and he could become a bit possessive of him. He would become distant and irritable if Chris ever seemed uninterested in spending time with him or more interested in spending time with someone else. For the most part, though, he was a good friend to Chris and was always there to support him.

My default headcanon is that Josh has an unrequited and repressed crush on Chris, which would make it difficult for him for reasons he didn’t quite understand when Chris was romantically/sexually interested in other people. When it became clear to Josh that Chris’s feelings for Ashley were more than just a passing crush, he focused on trying to get them together to avoid his own fears about losing his best friend as a result. 

After the disappearance of his sisters, he felt inadvertently pushed Chris away because he was sure that Chris wouldn’t want to be around him when he was being such a “downer”.

My DEFAULT headcanon is that Chris chose Ashley during the “prank” and that the reason for that part of the prank was to see for sure if Chris would choose her over him.

Sam

Josh has complex feelings toward Sam. He is attracted to her and is fairly sure he could fall in love with her. However, he never pursued a relationship with her for a few reasons. First, she was best friends with his sisters, and he was afraid that if things went wrong between him and Sam, his sisters would be upset with him. Second, he was terrified of developing real feelings for her, because he was sure she wouldn’t like who he really was if he let her in.

After the disappearance of his sisters, he became closer with Sam because he felt that she was the only one who understood. However, he slowly started to become convinced that Sam hadn’t cared about his sisters as much as she claimed. In canon, this (unfair) belief is reflected in his reaction when Sam doesn’t understand how scoring works in tennis, despite tennis having been a big part of Hannah’s life.

Mike

Their friendship has always been fairly shallow. They get along due to some similar interests, but they don’t know each other particularly well aside from that. Josh is jealous of Mike’s perceived masculinity and attractiveness, and he can sometimes be “playfully” competitive with him in a way that sometimes becomes too serious.

Josh was aware of Hannah’s crush on Mike, and he was the one who made sure he came to Blackwood because of how much she wanted him to be there. After the disappearance of his sisters, he felt intense guilt about having a hand in encouraging Hannah’s crush on Mike and passing out drunk instead of making sure nothing bad happened to his sisters during the party.

Other Friends

Like his friendship with Mike, most of his relationships are fairly shallow. He hides his problems from his friends. He likes to keep his personality very “on” so that he’s generally likable. He’d hate anyone finding out about his depression, and usually masks it with an over-the-top sense of humor and sometimes aggressiveness. He very, very much wants to be seen as a regular guy, and strives toward that.

If there’s anything else you guys want to know, hmu.

[emedhelp]

Trump's mental state is deteriorating 'dangerously' due to impeachment, psychiatrists urgently warn US Congress

A group of mental health professionals led by a trio of pre-eminent psychiatrists is urging the House Judiciary Committee to consider Donald Trump’s “dangerous” mental state arising from his “brittle sense of self-worth” as part of its inquiry into whether to approve articles of impeachment against him.

“We are speaking out at this time because we are convinced that, as the time of possible impeachment approaches, Donald Trump has the real potential to become ever more dangerous, a threat to the safety of our nation,” said Yale Medical School Professor Dr Bandy Lee, George Washington University Professor Dr John Zinner, and former CIA profiler Dr Jerrold Post in a statement which will be sent to House Judiciary Committee members on Thursday.

The statement will be accompanied by a petition with at least 350 signatures from mental health professionals endorsing their conclusions.

Download the new Indpendent Premium app

Sharing the full story, not just the headlines

All three psychiatrists have said they are willing to testify as part of the impeachment inquiry.

The statement warns that “[f]ailing to monitor or to understand the psychological aspects [of impeachment on Mr Trump], or discounting them, could lead to catastrophic outcomes.” 

ShapeCreated with Sketch.Trump impeachment: Who's who in the Ukraine scandal

Show all 26

ShapeCreated with Sketch.Trump impeachment: Who's who in the Ukraine scandal

1/26 Donald Trump

Accused of abusing his office by pressing the Ukrainian president in a July phone call to help dig up dirt on Joe Biden, who may be his Democratic rival in the 2020 election. He also believes that Hillary Clinton’s deleted emails - a key factor in the 2016 election - may be in Ukraine, although it is not clear why.

2/26 The Whistleblower

Believed to be a CIA agent who spent time at the White House, his complaint was largely based on second and third-hand accounts from worried White House staff. Although this is not unusual for such complaints, Trump and his supporters have seized on it to imply that his information is not reliable. Expected to give evidence to Congress voluntarily and in secret.

3/26 The Second Whistleblower

The lawyer for the first intelligence whistleblower is also representing a second whistleblower regarding the President's actions. Attorney Mark Zaid said that he and other lawyers on his team are now representing the second person, who is said to work in the intelligence community and has first-hand knowledge that supports claims made by the first whistleblower and has spoken to the intelligence community's inspector general. The second whistleblower has not yet filed their own complaint, but does not need to to be considered an official whistleblower.

4/26 Rudy Giuliani

Former mayor of New York, whose management of the aftermath of the September 11 attacks in 2001 won him worldwide praise. As Trump’s personal attorney he has been trying to find compromising material about the president’s enemies in Ukraine in what some have termed a “shadow” foreign policy. In a series of eccentric TV appearances he has claimed that the US state department asked him to get involved. Giuliani insists that he is fighting corruption on Trump’s behalf and has called himself a “hero”.

5/26 Volodymyr Zelensky

The newly elected Ukrainian president - a former comic actor best known for playing a man who becomes president by accident - is seen frantically agreeing with Trump in the partial transcript of their July phone call released by the White House. With a Russian-backed insurgency in the east of his country, and the Crimea region seized by Vladimir Putin in 2014, Zelensky will have been eager to please his American counterpart, who had suspended vital military aid before their phone conversation. He says there was no pressure on him from Trump to do him the “favour” he was asked for. Zelensky appeared at an awkward press conference with Trump in New York during the United Nations general assembly, looking particularly uncomfortable when the American suggested he take part in talks with Putin.

AFP/Getty

6/26 Mike Pence

The vice-president was not on the controversial July call to the Ukrainian president but did get a read-out later. However, Trump announced that Pence had had “one or two” phone conversations of a similar nature, dragging him into the crisis. Pence himself denies any knowledge of any wrongdoing and has insisted that there is no issue with Trump’s actions. It has been speculated that Trump involved Pence as an insurance policy - if both are removed from power the presidency would go to Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, something no Republican would allow.

7/26 Rick Perry

Trump reportedly told a meeting of Republicans that he made the controversial call to the Ukrainian president at the urging of his own energy secretary, Rick Perry, and that he didn’t even want to. The president apparently said that Perry wanted him to talk about liquefied natural gas - although there is no mention of it in the partial transcript of the phone call released by the White House. It is thought that Perry will step down from his role at the end of the year.

8/26 Joe Biden

The former vice-president is one of the frontrunners to win the Democratic nomination, which would make him Trump’s opponent in the 2020 election. Trump says that Biden pressured Ukraine to sack a prosecutor who was investigating an energy company that Biden’s son Hunter was on the board of, refusing to release US aid until this was done. However, pressure to fire the prosecutor came on a wide front from western countries. It is also believed that the investigation into the company, Burisma, had long been dormant.

9/26 Hunter Biden

Joe Biden’s son has been accused of corruption by the president because of his business dealings in Ukraine and China. However, Trump has yet to produce any evidence of corruption and Biden’s lawyer insists he has done nothing wrong.

10/26 William Barr

The attorney-general, who proved his loyalty to Trump with his handling of the Mueller report, was mentioned in the Ukraine call as someone president Volodymyr Zelensky should talk to about following up Trump’s preoccupations with the Biden’s and the Clinton emails. Nancy Pelosi has accused Barr of being part of a “cover-up of a cover-up”.

11/26 Mike Pompeo

The secretary of state initially implied he knew little about the Ukraine phone call - but it later emerged that he was listening in at the time. He has since suggested that asking foreign leaders for favours is simply how international politics works. Gordon Sondland testified that Pompeo was "in the loop" and knew what was happening in Ukraine. Pompeo has been criticised for not standing up for diplomats under his command when they were publicly criticised by the president.

AFP via Getty

12/26 Nancy Pelosi

The Democratic Speaker of the House had long resisted calls from within her own party to back a formal impeachment process against the president, apparently fearing a backlash from voters. On September 24, amid reports of the Ukraine call and the day before the White House released a partial transcript of it, she relented and announced an inquiry, saying: “The president must be held accountable. No one is above the law.”

13/26 Adam Schiff

Democratic chairman of the House intelligence committee, one of the three committees leading the inquiry. He was criticized by Republicans for giving what he called a “parody” of the Ukraine phone call during a hearing, with Trump and others saying he had been pretending that his damning characterisation was a verbatim reading of the phone call. He has also been criticised for claiming that his committee had had no contact with the whistleblower, only for it to emerge that the intelligence agent had contacted a staff member on the committee for guidance before filing the complaint. The Washington Post awarded Schiff a “four Pinocchios” rating, its worst rating for a dishonest statement.

14/26 Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman

Florida-based businessmen and Republican donors Lev Parnas (pictured with Rudy Giuliani) and Igor Fruman were arrested on suspicion of campaign finance violations at Dulles International Airport near Washington DC on 9 October. Separately the Associated Press has reported that they were both involved in efforts to replace the management of Ukraine's gas company, Naftogaz, with new bosses who would steer lucrative contracts towards companies controlled by Trump allies. There is no suggestion of any criminal activity in these efforts.

15/26 William Taylor

The most senior US diplomat in Ukraine and the former ambassador there. As one of the first two witnesses in the public impeachment hearings, Taylor dropped an early bombshell by revealing that one of his staff – later identified as diplomat David Holmes – overheard a phone conversation in which Donald Trump could be heard asking about “investigations” the very day after asking the Ukrainian president to investigate his political enemies. Taylor expressed his concern at reported plans to withhold US aid in return for political smears against Trump’s opponents, saying: “It's one thing to try to leverage a meeting in the White House. It's another thing, I thought, to leverage security assistance -- security assistance to a country at war, dependent on both the security assistance and the demonstration of support."

Getty Images

16/26 George Kent

A state department official who appeared alongside William Taylor wearing a bow tie that was later mocked by the president. He accused Rudy Giuliani, Mr Trump’s personal lawyer, of leading a “campaign of lies” against Marie Yovanovitch, who was forced out of her job as US ambassador to Ukraine for apparently standing in the way of efforts to smear Democrats.

Getty Images

17/26 Marie Yovanovitch

One of the most striking witnesses to give evidence at the public hearings, the former US ambassador to Ukraine received a rare round of applause as she left the committee room after testifying. Canadian-born Yovanovitch was attacked on Twitter by Donald Trump while she was actually testifying, giving Democrats the chance to ask her to respond. She said she found the attack “very intimidating”. Trump had already threatened her in his 25 July phone call to the Ukrainian president saying: “She’s going to go through some things.” Yovanovitch said she was “shocked, appalled and devastated” by the threat and by the way she was forced out of her job without explanation.

18/26 Alexander Vindman

A decorated Iraq War veteran and an immigrant from the former Soviet Union, Lt Col Vindman began his evidence with an eye-catching statement about the freedoms America afforded him and his family to speak truth to power without fear of punishment. One of the few witnesses to have actually listened to Trump’s 25 July call with the Ukrainian president, he said he found the conversation so inappropriate that he was compelled to report it to the White House counsel. Trump later mocked him for wearing his military uniform and insisting on being addressed by his rank.

Getty Images

19/26 Jennifer Williams

A state department official acting as a Russia expert for vice-president Mike Pence, Ms Williams also listened in on the 25 July phone call. She testified that she found it “unusual” because it focused on domestic politics in terms of Trump asking a foreign leader to investigate his political opponents.

Getty Images

20/26 Kurt Volker

The former special envoy to Ukraine was one of the few people giving evidence who was on the Republican witness list although what he had to say may not have been too helpful to their cause. He dismissed the idea that Joe Biden had done anything corrupt, a theory spun without evidence by the president and his allies. He said that he thought the US should be supporting Ukraine’s reforms and that the scheme to find dirt on Democrats did not serve the national interest.

Getty Images

21/26 Tim Morrison

An expert on the National Security Council and another witness on the Republican list. He testified that he did not think the president had done anything illegal but admitted that he feared it would create a political storm if it became public. He said he believed the moving the record of the controversial 25 July phone call to a top security server had been an innocent mistake.

Getty Images

22/26 Gordon Sondland

In explosive testimony, one of the men at the centre of the scandal got right to the point in his opening testimony: “Was there a quid pro quo? Yes,” said the US ambassador to the EU who was a prime mover in efforts in Ukraine to link the release of military aid with investigations into the president’s political opponents. He said that everyone knew what was going on, implicating vice-president Mike Pence and secretary of state Mike Pompeo. The effect of his evidence is perhaps best illustrated by the reaction of Mr Trump who went from calling Sondland a “great American” a few weeks earlier to claiming that he barely knew him.

23/26 Laura Cooper

A Pentagon official, Cooper said Ukrainian officials knew that US aid was being withheld before it became public knowledge in August – undermining a Republican argument that there can’t have been a quid pro quo between aid and investigations if the Ukrainians didn’t know that aid was being withheld.

Getty Images

24/26 David Hale

The third most senior official at the state department. Hale testified about the treatment of Marie Yovanovitch and the smear campaign that culminated in her being recalled from her posting as US ambassador to Ukraine. He said: “I believe that she should have been able to stay at post and continue to do the outstanding work.”

25/26 Fiona Hill

Arguably the most confident and self-possessed of the witnesses in the public hearings phase, the Durham-born former NSC Russia expert began by warning Republicans not to keep repeating Kremlin-backed conspiracy theories. In a distinctive northeastern English accent, Dr Hill went on to describe how she had argued with Gordon Sondland about his interference in Ukraine matters until she realised that while she and her colleagues were focused on national security, Sondland was “being involved in a domestic political errand”. She said: “I did say to him, ‘Ambassador Sondland, Gordon, this is going to blow up’. And here we are.”

26/26 David Holmes

The Ukraine-based diplomat described being in a restaurant in Kiev with Gordon Sondland while the latter phoned Donald Trump. Holmes said he could hear the president on the other end of the line – because his voice was so “loud and distinctive” and because Sondland had to hold the phone away from his ear – asking about the “investigations” and whether the Ukrainian president would cooperate.

Accused of abusing his office by pressing the Ukrainian president in a July phone call to help dig up dirt on Joe Biden, who may be his Democratic rival in the 2020 election. He also believes that Hillary Clinton’s deleted emails - a key factor in the 2016 election - may be in Ukraine, although it is not clear why.

2/26 The Whistleblower

Believed to be a CIA agent who spent time at the White House, his complaint was largely based on second and third-hand accounts from worried White House staff. Although this is not unusual for such complaints, Trump and his supporters have seized on it to imply that his information is not reliable. Expected to give evidence to Congress voluntarily and in secret.

3/26 The Second Whistleblower

The lawyer for the first intelligence whistleblower is also representing a second whistleblower regarding the President's actions. Attorney Mark Zaid said that he and other lawyers on his team are now representing the second person, who is said to work in the intelligence community and has first-hand knowledge that supports claims made by the first whistleblower and has spoken to the intelligence community's inspector general. The second whistleblower has not yet filed their own complaint, but does not need to to be considered an official whistleblower.

4/26 Rudy Giuliani

Former mayor of New York, whose management of the aftermath of the September 11 attacks in 2001 won him worldwide praise. As Trump’s personal attorney he has been trying to find compromising material about the president’s enemies in Ukraine in what some have termed a “shadow” foreign policy. In a series of eccentric TV appearances he has claimed that the US state department asked him to get involved. Giuliani insists that he is fighting corruption on Trump’s behalf and has called himself a “hero”.

5/26 Volodymyr Zelensky

The newly elected Ukrainian president - a former comic actor best known for playing a man who becomes president by accident - is seen frantically agreeing with Trump in the partial transcript of their July phone call released by the White House. With a Russian-backed insurgency in the east of his country, and the Crimea region seized by Vladimir Putin in 2014, Zelensky will have been eager to please his American counterpart, who had suspended vital military aid before their phone conversation. He says there was no pressure on him from Trump to do him the “favour” he was asked for. Zelensky appeared at an awkward press conference with Trump in New York during the United Nations general assembly, looking particularly uncomfortable when the American suggested he take part in talks with Putin.

AFP/Getty

6/26 Mike Pence

The vice-president was not on the controversial July call to the Ukrainian president but did get a read-out later. However, Trump announced that Pence had had “one or two” phone conversations of a similar nature, dragging him into the crisis. Pence himself denies any knowledge of any wrongdoing and has insisted that there is no issue with Trump’s actions. It has been speculated that Trump involved Pence as an insurance policy - if both are removed from power the presidency would go to Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, something no Republican would allow.

7/26 Rick Perry

Trump reportedly told a meeting of Republicans that he made the controversial call to the Ukrainian president at the urging of his own energy secretary, Rick Perry, and that he didn’t even want to. The president apparently said that Perry wanted him to talk about liquefied natural gas - although there is no mention of it in the partial transcript of the phone call released by the White House. It is thought that Perry will step down from his role at the end of the year.

8/26 Joe Biden

The former vice-president is one of the frontrunners to win the Democratic nomination, which would make him Trump’s opponent in the 2020 election. Trump says that Biden pressured Ukraine to sack a prosecutor who was investigating an energy company that Biden’s son Hunter was on the board of, refusing to release US aid until this was done. However, pressure to fire the prosecutor came on a wide front from western countries. It is also believed that the investigation into the company, Burisma, had long been dormant.

9/26 Hunter Biden

Joe Biden’s son has been accused of corruption by the president because of his business dealings in Ukraine and China. However, Trump has yet to produce any evidence of corruption and Biden’s lawyer insists he has done nothing wrong.

10/26 William Barr

The attorney-general, who proved his loyalty to Trump with his handling of the Mueller report, was mentioned in the Ukraine call as someone president Volodymyr Zelensky should talk to about following up Trump’s preoccupations with the Biden’s and the Clinton emails. Nancy Pelosi has accused Barr of being part of a “cover-up of a cover-up”.

11/26 Mike Pompeo

The secretary of state initially implied he knew little about the Ukraine phone call - but it later emerged that he was listening in at the time. He has since suggested that asking foreign leaders for favours is simply how international politics works. Gordon Sondland testified that Pompeo was "in the loop" and knew what was happening in Ukraine. Pompeo has been criticised for not standing up for diplomats under his command when they were publicly criticised by the president.

AFP via Getty

12/26 Nancy Pelosi

The Democratic Speaker of the House had long resisted calls from within her own party to back a formal impeachment process against the president, apparently fearing a backlash from voters. On September 24, amid reports of the Ukraine call and the day before the White House released a partial transcript of it, she relented and announced an inquiry, saying: “The president must be held accountable. No one is above the law.”

13/26 Adam Schiff

Democratic chairman of the House intelligence committee, one of the three committees leading the inquiry. He was criticized by Republicans for giving what he called a “parody” of the Ukraine phone call during a hearing, with Trump and others saying he had been pretending that his damning characterisation was a verbatim reading of the phone call. He has also been criticised for claiming that his committee had had no contact with the whistleblower, only for it to emerge that the intelligence agent had contacted a staff member on the committee for guidance before filing the complaint. The Washington Post awarded Schiff a “four Pinocchios” rating, its worst rating for a dishonest statement.

14/26 Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman

Florida-based businessmen and Republican donors Lev Parnas (pictured with Rudy Giuliani) and Igor Fruman were arrested on suspicion of campaign finance violations at Dulles International Airport near Washington DC on 9 October. Separately the Associated Press has reported that they were both involved in efforts to replace the management of Ukraine's gas company, Naftogaz, with new bosses who would steer lucrative contracts towards companies controlled by Trump allies. There is no suggestion of any criminal activity in these efforts.

15/26 William Taylor

The most senior US diplomat in Ukraine and the former ambassador there. As one of the first two witnesses in the public impeachment hearings, Taylor dropped an early bombshell by revealing that one of his staff – later identified as diplomat David Holmes – overheard a phone conversation in which Donald Trump could be heard asking about “investigations” the very day after asking the Ukrainian president to investigate his political enemies. Taylor expressed his concern at reported plans to withhold US aid in return for political smears against Trump’s opponents, saying: “It's one thing to try to leverage a meeting in the White House. It's another thing, I thought, to leverage security assistance -- security assistance to a country at war, dependent on both the security assistance and the demonstration of support."

Getty Images

16/26 George Kent

A state department official who appeared alongside William Taylor wearing a bow tie that was later mocked by the president. He accused Rudy Giuliani, Mr Trump’s personal lawyer, of leading a “campaign of lies” against Marie Yovanovitch, who was forced out of her job as US ambassador to Ukraine for apparently standing in the way of efforts to smear Democrats.

Getty Images

17/26 Marie Yovanovitch

One of the most striking witnesses to give evidence at the public hearings, the former US ambassador to Ukraine received a rare round of applause as she left the committee room after testifying. Canadian-born Yovanovitch was attacked on Twitter by Donald Trump while she was actually testifying, giving Democrats the chance to ask her to respond. She said she found the attack “very intimidating”. Trump had already threatened her in his 25 July phone call to the Ukrainian president saying: “She’s going to go through some things.” Yovanovitch said she was “shocked, appalled and devastated” by the threat and by the way she was forced out of her job without explanation.

18/26 Alexander Vindman

A decorated Iraq War veteran and an immigrant from the former Soviet Union, Lt Col Vindman began his evidence with an eye-catching statement about the freedoms America afforded him and his family to speak truth to power without fear of punishment. One of the few witnesses to have actually listened to Trump’s 25 July call with the Ukrainian president, he said he found the conversation so inappropriate that he was compelled to report it to the White House counsel. Trump later mocked him for wearing his military uniform and insisting on being addressed by his rank.

Getty Images

19/26 Jennifer Williams

A state department official acting as a Russia expert for vice-president Mike Pence, Ms Williams also listened in on the 25 July phone call. She testified that she found it “unusual” because it focused on domestic politics in terms of Trump asking a foreign leader to investigate his political opponents.

Getty Images

20/26 Kurt Volker

The former special envoy to Ukraine was one of the few people giving evidence who was on the Republican witness list although what he had to say may not have been too helpful to their cause. He dismissed the idea that Joe Biden had done anything corrupt, a theory spun without evidence by the president and his allies. He said that he thought the US should be supporting Ukraine’s reforms and that the scheme to find dirt on Democrats did not serve the national interest.

Getty Images

21/26 Tim Morrison

An expert on the National Security Council and another witness on the Republican list. He testified that he did not think the president had done anything illegal but admitted that he feared it would create a political storm if it became public. He said he believed the moving the record of the controversial 25 July phone call to a top security server had been an innocent mistake.

Getty Images

22/26 Gordon Sondland

In explosive testimony, one of the men at the centre of the scandal got right to the point in his opening testimony: “Was there a quid pro quo? Yes,” said the US ambassador to the EU who was a prime mover in efforts in Ukraine to link the release of military aid with investigations into the president’s political opponents. He said that everyone knew what was going on, implicating vice-president Mike Pence and secretary of state Mike Pompeo. The effect of his evidence is perhaps best illustrated by the reaction of Mr Trump who went from calling Sondland a “great American” a few weeks earlier to claiming that he barely knew him.

23/26 Laura Cooper

A Pentagon official, Cooper said Ukrainian officials knew that US aid was being withheld before it became public knowledge in August – undermining a Republican argument that there can’t have been a quid pro quo between aid and investigations if the Ukrainians didn’t know that aid was being withheld.

Getty Images

24/26 David Hale

The third most senior official at the state department. Hale testified about the treatment of Marie Yovanovitch and the smear campaign that culminated in her being recalled from her posting as US ambassador to Ukraine. He said: “I believe that she should have been able to stay at post and continue to do the outstanding work.”

25/26 Fiona Hill

Arguably the most confident and self-possessed of the witnesses in the public hearings phase, the Durham-born former NSC Russia expert began by warning Republicans not to keep repeating Kremlin-backed conspiracy theories. In a distinctive northeastern English accent, Dr Hill went on to describe how she had argued with Gordon Sondland about his interference in Ukraine matters until she realised that while she and her colleagues were focused on national security, Sondland was “being involved in a domestic political errand”. She said: “I did say to him, ‘Ambassador Sondland, Gordon, this is going to blow up’. And here we are.”

26/26 David Holmes

The Ukraine-based diplomat described being in a restaurant in Kiev with Gordon Sondland while the latter phoned Donald Trump. Holmes said he could hear the president on the other end of the line – because his voice was so “loud and distinctive” and because Sondland had to hold the phone away from his ear – asking about the “investigations” and whether the Ukrainian president would cooperate.

“[W]e implore Congress to take these danger signs seriously and to constrain his destructive impulses. We and many others are available to give important relevant recommendations as well as to educate the public so that we can maximise our collective safety,” the psychiatrists write.

While Dr Lee and her colleagues have previously offered themselves to be consulted by impeachment investigators, she told The Independent they felt it necessary to come forward once more because the US president is “is ramping up his conspiracy theories” and “showing a great deal of cruelty and vindictiveness” in his “accelerated, repetitive tweets,” which she explained are signs that he is “doubling and a tripling down on his delusions”.

“I believe that they fit the pattern of delusions rather than just plain lies,” she continued, pointing to the claim he made during a meeting with Jens Stoltenberg, Nato’s secretary-general, that “many legal scholars” were “looking at the transcripts” of his 25 July phone call with Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky and agreeing with his description of the call as “absolutely perfect” as an example of his pathology.

Dr Lee, an expert on violence prevention, acknowledged that members of congress – especially Republicans who are supportive of the president – might dismiss the warning she and her colleagues are delivering as just a product of differences of political opinion, but stressed that the fact that they should be taken seriously because their training enables them to recognise Mr Trump is exhibiting “definitive signs of severe pathology of someone who requires an advanced level of care” and who “meets every criterion of lacking a rational  decision making capacity”.

“The one thing that we are trained to do is to distinguish between what is healthy and what is abnormal, and when the pattern of abnormality fits, then we recognise that it is pathology and not part of the wide variation of which healthy human beings are capable,” she said. “What we recognise is a pattern of disease and that may look like another political ideology or another political style to the everyday person who is unfamiliar with pathology, but to us it is a very recognisable pattern.”

Dr Lee explained that the president’s continued embrace of conspiracy theories was actually a public health issue because of his ability to draw members of the public into a “shared psychosis at the national level”.

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“His detachment from reality... his pathology is actually gaining ground more quickly than the ability of rational actors to bring up the facts,” she said, adding that the House should consider these issues in the same way they are examining the legal and constitutional aspects of impeachment. 

“They are having four constitutional scholars testify, but alongside the legal aspects, we must consider the psychological aspects. In fact, the psychological aspects are more basic because the legal process presumes psychological health and equipment and capacity,” she said.

Donald Trump ignores impeachment question as he leaves Downing Street

Dr Zinner, a former National Institutes of Mental Health researcher who has taught about and consulted with intelligence agencies on narcissistic personality disorders, told The Independent that members of congress need to be warned about the danger impeachment poses when the presidency is held by someone of Mr Trump’s pathology, which he described as a textbook case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

“Impeachment is the greatest threat to his self esteem that he’s experienced so far, and we’re very worried that his rage will be even more destructive than it’s been in the past,” he said.

He also dismissed Republicans who defend Mr Trump by claiming that his style is that of a blunt-talking New York businessman as “simply ignorant about the whole area of psychology that pertains to him”.

“These aren’t alternative viewpoints,” Dr Zinner explained, calling one “the product of very sound psychology... that comes from mainly from psychoanalytic theory, but is very established and sound and studied,” and the other “just ignorance and dismissiveness”.

Dr Zinner said the goal of the petition is to reach legislators to educate them. “Most people don’t really know this is a coherent, well-studied, well-defined condition,” he said.

“Even those that don’t dismiss [the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder] say, ‘well, you know, these are just a lot of random bad, insane behaviours,’ but they don’t see how it coheres around the self esteem issue,” he continued.

“And others, they say, ‘well, he’s a liar and he’s a cheat and he exploits people and all of that stuff,’ but those are just random traits, whereas all of it hangs together around his developmental deficiency of not having an internal stable self-esteem.”

Donald Trump repeatedly refused to believe intelligence briefings, former deputy director says

He rejected the suggestion that the so-called Goldwater rule prohibits him from speaking out on the president's mental state. The Goldwater rule suggests that it is unethical for psychiatrists to give opinions on the mental health of someone they have not personally examined.

But Dr Zinner said: "It's not a rule, it's really a principle or a standard, which is very different because the preamble of the code of ethics of the American Psychiatric Association that establishes the basic guidelines for the ethical canons says that a psychiatrist's responsibility, first and foremost, is to his or her patients and to society and to his colleagues and himself in that order.

"You know ... the people that have written most strongly in favour for the rule themselves have diagnosed Trump. In other words, they're total hypocrites," he said, before adding that a  one-on-one interview wasn't necessary to diagnose the president because of his myriad public statements and public behaviour.

Dr Post, who created psychological profiles of Israel’s former prime minister Menachem Begin and Egypt’s former president Anwar Sadat for former president Jimmy Carter to use when negotiating the Camp David Accords, and who founded the CIA’s Center for the Analysis of Personality and Political Behavior, told The Independent that evidence of Trump’s lack of self-esteem and the danger that impeachment will bring by exacerbating his precarious mental state can be found in the way he pardons convicted war criminals like Navy Chief Petty Officer Eddie Gallagher and labels them heroes.

“He’s identified with these war criminals because he knows that he’s being seen as a criminal. So he’s trying to redefine them as heroes, just like he is. People challenge his intelligence, so he accuses Maxine Walters of being ‘low IQ’ and says, but I’m a stable genius,” said Dr Post, who founded George Washington University’s Political Psychology Center after his retirement from the CIA.

Dr Post warned the strong connection between Mr Trump and his followers means the possibility he would call for violence against his perceived political enemies “cannot be discounted”.

“Watching his rallies, there’s an almost palpable connection between Trump and his followers, who have taken his invitation to externalize and project their problems upon [other groups],” he said. “He’s basically saying he understands where their problems are coming from and he will rescue them, so to hurt their rescuer is very painful [for his followers] indeed.”

Any challenge to Mr Trump’s power, whether impeachment or an election loss next November, could be a significant trauma for him and his supporters, Dr Post said. 

Asked for a prediction of how Mr Trump would react to either, Dr Post invoked the Welsh poet Dylan Thomas: “He will not go gentle into that good night, but will rage, rage at the dying of the light.”