#and thus the musical journey begins

[partiallypearl]

btw. i think leo would secretly listen to boy bands. specifically big time rush (i hold no shame here) and one direction. and i think there’s certain songs he associates with piper.

[softidiotsposts]

I Never Dreamt Before You

weird how strangers can pick up the broken pieces of a heart they don't really know

{Fair warning: heavy angst, explicit sexual content (18+), discussion of sensitive topics (suicide, toxic relationships, death), neighbors, some fluff and a somewhat happy end // word count: 8.5k}

masterlist

A twenty-five Euro train ticket will take you comfortably from Madrid to Barcelona but it doesn't take away the boiling anxiety nor does it make the journey easier. In fact it's harder that way, knowing that Madrid is only twenty-five Euro away makes it so much more difficult not to turn back.

Knowing that only twenty-five Euro will bring back a world of warmth that you wish you could bottle up.

Leaving behind a life to start a new one is difficult, even in your mid twenties you feel yourself being caught in the spider web of emotional attachment of a city. You know the ins and outs of Madrid- know it like the back of your hand, born and raised in the capital. So to move away to the coast, seven hours away from comfort is not easy.

Barcelona, the idea of it, feels like an old wound that has turned into a foreign world. So different from the ease of Madrid, like a whole new world that you've yet to discover.

One that you're frankly not a hundred percent you want to know, the move isn't one that comes out of want but necessity. It's one to pursue greatness in the grueling career you had chosen but the choice had not come without great deliberation.

Barcelona is... different, in many ways. The Catalonian city had its own customs, its own culture, even its own language. It worried you, made you afraid as if you were a child again, as if you were scared of the dark. But this time you had no one to hold you, to comfort you and tell you it's all okay- You had yourself now and that's it.

The train jitters from time to time as it slides along the tracks at such a pace that the outside world seems but a blur. You watch it happen, look out the window as the world mixes into a swirl of colors, the greens of the trees and shrubbery mixes with the beautiful colors of the flowers that you cannot clearly make out. It creates a piece of art that moves, like a painting that adapts each second you look at it. You smile slightly, appreciating the way nature casually crafts perfect art before your eyes then turn your head to glance at the table in front of you.

Pages of sheet music are scattered on the table, different pieces blending into one another as they are placed in an unorganized fashion without much care.

A half-drunk cup of dirt black coffee is in the far corner. It was about four Euros when you bought it at the station in Madrid and you could taste it. A half burnt mix that made you grimace each time you drank it but the water, standing not far anyway from it that rippled ever so slightly, had helped wash the bitterness off on your tongue.

You place a hand on one of the pages, the soft manuscript ever so rough under your dry hands, and pick it up to bring it closer to your face.

The lines and notations blur slightly into a puddle of black ink so you squint and suddenly find clarity, the music flows off the page as you find that it so often does. It's Chopin that you're holding, a poor man with far too many emotions and music that you find to be as heavy as an anvil.

You read over the page from beginning to end, you imagine the way your fingers glide over the keys- pressing softly before launching into an attack of grief. It's not the same as if you were playing in reality, you cannot feel the weight of the keys beneath your fingers nor their polished finish but it satisfies you for the moment.

It was deep into November and for Alexia that meant that outdoor training was becoming regularly more and more cooler as the days went past. Today was one of those days, the wind nipped at any exposed skin and fingers froze outside the comforts of a coat pocket.

Thus Alexia was forced to don her snood and gloves to the training pitch as did many others, all dressed in the same black kit with various winter accessories adorning necks and hands.

Alexia smiled and softly greeted the social media personnel, "Bon dia."

The filming of training had become a regular occurrence over the coming years, ever since the club had launched themselves on to the European stage, their presence had grown.

It filled Alexia with a strange mixture of feelings- there was the obvious excitement but also a nagging feeling of pressure. Pressure to perform, pressure to outdo previous achievements. It brought back that awkward feeling, the one that made her shutdown ever so slightly.

She waited on the sidelines for the rest of the team to arrive, deep in thought, looking at her shoes when a hand touched her shoulder. The sudden weight had her flitch ever so slightly and she turns to see Irene, the older woman furrowing her brow in concern.

"Are you okay, Ale?"

The tone is evidently worrying and Alexia clenches her jaw- there was no need to worry about her. It's actually the opposite, it is her job to worry about her team.

"I'm fine," Alexia forces a smile and walks away as the coach calls them over.

In reality, Alexia is far removed from the idea of 'being fine' when she probably should be: her team is at the top of their Champions League group, their start in the league had been as strong as ever and both Spanish Cups looked to be in the near distance.

Yet nothing is fine, Olga had broken up with her over the month of October and she was hurting- they hadn't been living together but the presence of stray belongings that had been left behind over time was missed, greatly. She had also not told a single soul, the idea being to focus on football. On progress, on being great in a way to get over the grief of the relationship.

Training itself had gone alright, they were solid like they had always been- making intricate plays and passing sequences right in the goal or shooting from range, curving the ball right past the keeper and into the back of the net.

Cold training was followed by a session in the gym, one where the cool of November was traded for sweat and pumping blood. The small space of the Barcelona gym crowded with most of the squad, each taking turns at the stations set up and the yelling on the football pitch had been swapped for the electronic gym music and friendly chatter.

"Doing anything later, capi?"

It's Mapi asking as they both stretch out their hamstrings on the ground and Alexia considers her answer for a moment. In theory, she is not doing anything later- her plans are simple, go home and wallow in her emotions while watching whatever game is playing on TV.

"Sorry, María, I'm taking Nala to the vet."

Alexia cringes at herself the second it leaves her mouth- she had not meant to use Nala as an excuse but there was no other viable explanation that would not warrant additional questioning.

Instead of asking further, Mapi launches into a story about Bagheera's last vet appointment and Alexia is grateful that she's taking all the air time for once.

Alexia leaves promptly after the team is dismissed for the day, all given time in the afternoon for either additional training or other activities they may have. She doesn't stay to practice free kicks with the others like usual, feeling the weight of the seasonal transition on her chest.

Instead, she drives home to her condo. It's fairly nice, not overly modern and has an open concept that satisfies her needs. The neighbors are mostly full-time working people or the elderly, no children or college students that disturb the peace which Alexia appreciates greatly.

When she arrives and takes the elevator up to her floor, she is greeted by the sight of a young woman. Dressed in half-formal attire- tailored trousers with a slight check pattern that hang loosely on her hips, an untucked crumpled white shirt with a black overcoat that rests on her shoulders with dress shoes that look well worn.

Alexia pauses for a moment. The woman is beautiful, that kind of beauty that is timeless, without an expiration date, that can be taken through time period after time period and still fit into every single one.

The woman's hair is slicked back into a bun and her thin fingers rest on a case as she stands in front of a door that is few down from Alexia's own. She had never seen this woman and to her knowledge, the apartment she stands in front of has been empty for a while.

Alexia wants to call out but before she can open her mouth to speak, the woman disappears into the apartment, the door softly closing behind her. Then Alexia is left alone in the hallway, standing in front of her front door in a state of shell shock.

You make it off the train and manage to avoid buying a ticket back to Madrid. The feeling of stepping into a station other than your city's is strange and you decide to ignore the itching feeling of fear and uncertainty before it can get the best of you.

You pick up your leather case with all your sheet music and make your way through the train station and into the bustling streets of Barcelona. The wind nips at you and you can immediately feel the coastal air, you half appreciate the fresh feeling that the sea provides but also feel the nausea of homesickness bubbling up.

You walk to your apartment, seeing as it's not far from the station and all your other belongings had been sent to the flat previously.

You treat this as an opportunity to gaze at the brilliant architecture of the famous Catalonian city, some buildings look modern while others share the intricate stone work that can only be done by hand- making them infinitely more wonderful than the polished creations that sit beside them.

Eventually, after walking several blocks, you make it to your apartment building. It's one of the nicer looking ones on the street and you enjoy the stone work, the different creams mixing with the red of some of the bricks, before entering it.

The lobby itself is nicer than you'd expected. After an initial door, you are greeted with a darker one that has a lovely wooden finish- you fish out your keys, just two stray keys in different colors without any keyrings keeping them company, you turn the key and open the door.

You decide to take the stairs, just to enjoy the view out of the windows as you go up for the first and final time since the elevator is probably kinder on your knees. The view, as you'd imagine, is quite magical- the sun is slowly setting, the giant fireball disappearing into the horizon, in its wake leaving a wondrous sky that is full of pinks, oranges and reds. You pull out your phone and take a picture with a hopeful aspiration to start fresh and new.

Next, you find yourself standing in front of your door, clutching the case in your hands tightly. You contemplate turning back and getting on a train, re-calling all your things back to Madrid and never leaving. You don't, instead you turn the key and enter with a sense of acceptance.

You do not notice the footballer standing a few doors away and even if you had there would be no recognition in your eyes, your vision had been forever tunneled in the opposite direction and never wandered towards sports.

The apartment walls are bare. Plain white, freshly painted for a new tenant and you try not to shiver at the unwelcoming color, you would have to paint over it- maybe a green? or sea blue.

You turn to look around- it's an open concept as you'd seen online, the kitchen overlooks the combined living and dining room with a small hallway on the main wall. It branches off into the singular bedroom and bathroom.

You sigh and glance at the grand piano that takes up most of the space in the living room. It's black with a polished finish and you had spent so many times sitting for hours at a time that you had memorized each scratch and nick that had been etched into it.

You ignore the instrument even though it calls for you to sit down after the tiring journey and you instead focus on more pressing matters.

Checking your watch, you let out a sigh of relief when the hands show that it is not late evening just yet- you had just enough time to put together the stray pieces of furniture and organize the place to your liking without disturbing the neighbors anti-social hours.

You build your bedframe and unroll the mattress, put your sheets on then methodically put together the drawers so that you may store all your clothing. After the bedroom looks somewhat complete albeit plain but complete, you turn your attention to the living space.

It's large and so open that you feel a little naked standing in it- you decide to change that by taking the cloth off the leather chairs and moving them so they face the balcony, giving them a kind view of the city. A bookshelf is against the wall to the right of them, filled with various songbooks and stray novels that you never seem to finish.

There is no sofa since the piano takes up much of the available space, so the TV is left alone on the unit without anyone facing it. You don't find the problem, you never watch it anyway. The old beat up dining table from your old apartment sits near the kitchen, right in front of the doorway, with four chairs that were probably going to be used in rotation by only you.

After the bulk of the apartment is set up, you add the finishing touches. Photographs of people that you rarely speak to from high school but still cherish, art that you purchased on a whim and coats that you wore often hung on the pegs near the entrance.

It is finally after finishing absolutely everything that you sit at the piano, you run a finger on the closed keyboard and a thin layer of dust gathers. You hadn't played for two days and it had already gotten dusty.

Alexia hears the music over the sound of Alba's complaining, it's soft and sounds like utter grief.

A wave passes through her, tugging her heart strings along with it. She has never been a big fan of instrumentals, instead finding a larger appreciation for voice and lyric than strings.

"Alexia? Helloooo? Oh my God, are you even listening to me-" Alba's voice calls from the phone and Alexia snaps out of the brief trance.

"Err yeah, yeah... sorry, someone is playing the piano, I think."

She hears a gasp through the speaker and Alexia rolls her eyes at it.

"Is it loud? Maybe you should complain?" Alba suggests and Alexia doesn't even consider it- she doesn't care about the noise, only that the melody sounds dreadfully sad.

"No- It's fine, actually, I have to go... It's time for Nala's walk."

"Oh okay, then- By-"

Alexia presses on the red button to hang up the call before Alba can even reply and she feels immediately guilty- She had used Nala as another excuse, two in one day. Maybe she should draft excuses for the next day now? Just so Nala isn't used as a constant reason.

Now that Alba is no longer on the phone and the Atletico game is now muted, the music is much louder and clearer. Alexia cannot name what it is but even though there is an evident sadness in the notes, it's played to utter perfection. Each note masterfully curated to fit the next.

Alexia decides that whoever is playing is immensely talented.

It's about a week until Alexia sees the woman that lives on her floor again- It's a Wednesday morning and she has had a slow start to the day. Alexia had woken up ten minutes before her seven o'clock alarm rang, so she stayed in bed and allowed herself to snuggle Nala until the shrill signaled the need to get up. She had dressed herself in the training gear she wore most days, walked Nala, ate breakfast, checked her emails and watched the news until it was time to leave for training at nine.

She grabbed her packed bag, said goodbye to Nala with a kiss on the head and walked out and into the elevator. Alexia pressed the button for the ground floor and the one to close the doors when a hand shot out to stop them from closing.

It was the same woman. This time dressed in a skirt in complete black with polished loafers, shirt pressed but clearly in a hurry since you can tell the imperfections in the white cotton, same overcoat thrown on her shoulders.

"Pardon me," Her voice rang out to Alexia.

It's soft, like cotton in her ears and she melts slightly into it. Then chastises herself, it had only been a month since her break up and jumping into another relationship did not seem wise.

"Going down?" Alexia's voice trembles slightly and she does not know why.

"Yes."

It's curt and Alexia presses the button to close the door, it prompts the elevator to go down. She takes the opportunity to look at the woman again, out of the corner of her eye.

She's fairly tall, about Alexia's height and holds a deep brown leather bag that looks to be full with papers. Maybe she works in an office? Or maybe she's an accountant? She certainly looks the part.

The ding of the elevator breaks the moment and Alexia is forced to exit but not before she hears a smooth,

"Thank you."

That feels like honey and makes her warm and fuzzy inside.

It's again after a day's work that she runs into the woman again. She's running a little late because Aitana spilled coffee on her and she hopes Nala will forgive her that their afternoon walk will be delayed due to a shower.

The woman holds the elevator as she sees Alexia running for it, she offers a light smile that Alexia has yet to see and is now eternally grateful she has. It makes her forget about the large burning coffee stain on the front of her shirt for a moment until the woman offers her a tissue.

"Would you like one?"

It's a typically plastic packet of cotton tissues that organized people carry about and Alexia takes one with gratitude, thanking her twice over as she wipes some of the coffee with it.

"Are you a fan?”

Alexia stops wiping the coffee off her top and looks at the woman with furrowed brows then follows to where an elegant finger points at her chest. The Barcelona badge is untouched by the coffee, still in immaculate condition.

Alexia feels herself flush and does not know how to answer.

"Err yes, yes I am. Quite a big one."

The woman lets out a laugh as she stumbles over her words and it's music to Alexia's ears, almost as good as the performance that she got to hear a week ago.

"Are you? A fan."

The woman shakes her head, "No, actually... I don't watch football or sports but I appreciate the sentiment of them."

Alexia doesn't know what to say- she has plenty of friends outside of the football sphere she surrounds herself in but her mind is suddenly blank on questions to ask.

The elevator dings and informs them of the floor. The woman goes to leave and Alexia desperately doesn't want her too but has no idea as to why.

They had barely spoken, she had only seen her three times but Alexia felt as though someone who she had been waiting for her whole life had just walked into her life. A crazed feeling of comfort washed over her each time the woman spoke and Alexia leaned into every time.

To Alexia's joy, the woman turns back slightly and looks at Alexia.

"I'm Y/N."

She introduces herself as Alexia steps out the elevator to let it close and carry it's journey between the floors. She has never heard a name so beautiful sounding but doesn't speak on it further, in hopes of staying somewhat cool in the others eyes.

"I'm Ale, I live here."

Alexia points at the door with twenty nine on it as she introduces herself.

"Is that short for something?"

Alexia is stunned into a brief silence because it's so rare that someone asks since the many people she talks to already know the ins and outs of her life better than even she.

"Alexia."

The woman chuckles light and flashes a smile, "Well, Alexia, I live in thirty one."

She points down the hall at a door that's identical to Alexia's and Alexia acts as if she didn't know.

"I'll see you around, Alexia."

Y/N smiles kindly and Alexia feels her face heat up as she watches her walk to her apartment, the loafers she's wearing creating a satisfying click with each step.

The next time they meet is two weeks later when Alexia hosts their monthly team bonding movie night. Most of the team are present and bundled in small huddles on the large sofa or floor in front of it.

Aitana sits with Keira practically cuddling with each other as they pay rapt attention to the film playing on the TV. They seem to be the only two who have not seen the movie before tonight.

Mapi is sitting in between Ingrid's legs on the floor in front of the sofa as she pays attention to the film with occasional snarky comments about the characters that Ingrid hums along to.

Lucy and Ona sit in the very corner of the sofa under one of the many blankets, acting as though they aren't holding hands even though it's fairly obvious to the rest of them.

The rest of the group are evenly spread out on the sofa and floor, with Alexia sitting on a pillow watching the film with sleepy eyes. What awakens her is the music that can be heard over the television, she has not heard that playing for three weeks and had wondered the possibilities as to why.

Had they sold the piano? Or installed sound proofing in their apartment so the rest of the floor could not hear them? Alexia doubted it was that- the walls are paper thin and even the smallest of sounds can be heard.

It's different from the last piece she had the pleasure of listening to, much lighter yet still with a slight tinge of grief. It's also three times louder and she wonders why the person insists on playing between six and eight.

"Is someone playing music or what?"

It's Patri who pauses the film and complains, there is a moment of silence from everyone as the music seems to reach its peak and then they hear the slam of notes before a continuation in playing. Alexia flitches at the moment of anger, she had yet to hear such an emotion from the mystery pianist.

"It's lovely," Frido comments and Alexia is inclined to agree.

Lovely is one way to describe it. The other is masterful, an artist pouring their heart into an instrument that sings a thousand unspeakable words to the world around it.

The music lays heavy on the heart in the most wonderful way and Alexia has yearned for it to come back ever since she had heard it. It's a beauty that she has no experience in but one that she craves almost as much as the pitch.

"It's ruining film night."

Both Patri and Pina whine like children causing Alexia to laugh and shake her head. It's true, the sound of the piano runs over that of the TV and it would seem that Alexia has been granted the opportunity to meet the mystery pianist that has captured a part of her heart.

You had been practicing your Rachmaninoff when a knock sounded at your door, your fingers stilted over the keys, not daring to press another key. You lift yourself off the stool and walk over to the door, taking a few deep breaths before opening it to be met with Alexia's face.

Alexia who had been disrupting your perfectly thought out routine by her causally kind comments that had been running through your head even two weeks later.

You feel embarrassed now, opening the door to the person who had practically been dreaming about every single day wearing worn sweatpants and a henley shirt that had quite clearly shrunk in the wash a few times over.

"Alexia-" You manage to start before she interrupts you.

"You're the one playing piano?"

It's not an accusation but a question full of surprise that you can't help but feel shocked about. Of course, you knew that the piano could be heard- even neighbors had told you how much they appreciated the music in the evenings but you had assumed that Alexia knew.

"Yes, it's me- Listen, Alexia, I'm really sorry about playing so late. I'll stop for tonight."

You try to explain, hoping that Alexia isn't angry but when you glance at her face there is no anger visible. Instead she looks to be in... awe?

"No- I mean, yes that would be nice... but I don't mind."

You raise your brows in shock because you hadn't expected that reaction- sure many of the older folks living on your floor had liked the music but you'd assumed it was because they were older.

Yet Alexia seems to be proving you wrong.

"Okay then, Alexia?"

"Yeah?"

"Have a goodnight, okay?" You say with a light smile and can make out Alexia's nod before you close the door.

You press your forehead against the door when you think it's safe to do so and bring your knuckles to your mouth and then bite down lightly to prevent you from screaming.

It's surreal, the effect the older woman has on you even though the two of you have barely spoken, you've thought about touching her- running your hands up and down her sides and you've thought about her hands on you.

It's difficult to say what you want- friends would tell you to go for it but your mother would be deeply against seeing someone older. All you know is that you want Alexia and have absolutely no clue as to why.

The next time you see her, it's evening and you're in the elevator going home from the opera when she gets in. Alexia is wearing a beautiful dress that clings to her in all the correct places and you cannot stop your eyes from wandering across her figure when she's paying attention to her phone.

She makes you feel underdressed in your pencil skirt, loafers and crumpled blue striped shirt. Every time you gaze upon Alexia it's as if you are looking at one of the paintings that hangs on your wall- she's crafted by renaissance painters that you cannot pronounce the names of and you no else you've met in your life compares.

"Y/N?"

You flitch when a hand clamps down on your shoulder- it's Alexia and then you realize that the elevator has reached your floor but the ding and announcement had gone unnoticed by you.

"Sorry- long day."

Alexia smells faintly like alcohol, but not the cheap stuff you get in the convenience store, and flowery perfume that tickles at your nose blissfully. You wonder whether she was out with friends... or maybe had gone on a date?

"It's okay, everyone has days like that."

Even Alexia? She seemed so perfect- utterly beautiful and spoke with complete intellect every time the two of you interacted.

"Thank you," You mumble out as you leave the elevator but Alexia doesn't let your shoulder go.

Instead, you can feel her fingers dig into the fabric of your woolen overcoat. You don't know whether she's grounding herself or you but you feel yourself begin to calm down either way.

You don't know why you do the next thing you do. Maybe it's loneliness or pure carnal desire that drives you to kiss her in the hallway.

You press your lips against Alexia's soft ones and feel her jolt then gasp into the kiss- you have no clue why she's surprised by your actions and you're about to pull away and apologies but are interrupted by her kissing you passionately.

Alexia kisses as if she were dying, teeth biting down on your lips and tongue prodding inside your mouth. She traces the inside of your mouth as if it were the most important thing on earth and her hands disappear from your shoulders and now rest on your hips.

She tastes like sweet champagne and strawberries and you cannot get enough- never.

You desperately kiss her back, after all you had been dreaming day and night about this moment- you moment where the dam would break and you would finally kiss her. Your hands trail up her back, taking in each curve individually.

The two of you pull away gasping for breath and you want her back straight away- missing the pressure of her mouth on yours.

"I want you, Alexia."

You mutter between the two of you- it's quiet but enough for her to understand and when you raise your head to look Alexia in the eyes, you see that they are filled with want.

You and Alexia barely make it past the door of her apartment, you trip over each other's legs as you refuse to break apart for a moment. You don't pay much attention to the interior- all you know is that it's nice enough that you don't feel cold and unwelcome.

As you kick off your shoes, you notice the little dog that has come over and pet it to say hello. Then suddenly, Alexia pushes your coat off your shoulders and grabs your hand in a tight grip- tugging you to the bedroom.

From then on, it's animalistic. You practically rip off her dress and she unbuttons your shirt with shaky hands then tugs the skirt off your legs to reveal your lacy panties.

It leaves the both of you in your underwear, standing in Alexia's bedroom staring at each other. Your eyes trace from her strong thighs to her tight abs then to her breasts before finally settling on her face- she's wonderfully gorgeous and want pools in your stomach.

You want her more than you've ever wanted anything else, your blood pumps through your veins at a million miles an hour and you feel as though you're high.

She steps closer to you and a hand reaches out to run a finger up your side leaving goosebumps in its wake, you shiver but lean into the touch.

"You're beautiful, cariño."

You feel yourself flush at the compliment and practically feel yourself getting wetter but the second. You swallow deeply and reach out to place a hand on Alexia's stomach- you feel her gasp and flex under your touch.

You crave out her name on her skin and you see her smile slightly as she follows your finger.

"Are you drunk, Alexia?"

You look at Alexia through your lashes and you see her eyes smile for a moment, it's something you wish you could capture and watch forever.

"I'm not."

You run your tongue along your teeth and suck in a breath.

"Good, I don't want you to forget."

You let both of your hands rest on the elastic band of her underwear, snapping it against her stomach- making her flitch slightly. You smirk and then her hands rest on your forearms.

"You first," You say in a hushed tone and take her hands off your forearms.

You kneel in front of Alexia and look up at her, pure rabid desire coursing through your veins. You unclasp your bra with one hand, letting it fall on the floor and Alexia looks at you with her mouth slightly parted at the sight.

You lick your lips as you rest your hands on her muscular thighs then grab the band of her underwear with your teeth and Alexia groans lowly at the show. You give your best performance, pulling them down all the way to the floor before placing your hands on her ass. You give an experimental squeeze and smile when Alexia lets out an airy moan.

You start slowly, licking up the insides of her thighs and place a hand over pussy. You want this to last, you want to remember and you want Alexia to remember even more.

"Please- I...need it..."

You smirk at her impatience, trying your best to stick to your pace.

"Alexia, what is it that you want?"

You trace a finger down her abs to her pussy, purposefully avoiding dipping your finger inside her slit. You instead watch her face contort as she groans again.

"You- only you."

You accept the answer and lick a strip up her cunt- tasting her and it's like nectar on your tongue. You moan as you stuck on her clit and the effect is immediate- Alexia's rough hands go to rest on your head, guiding you as you lick and suck.

You feel the sway of her hips in time with each stroke of your tongue and you revel at it. You want her taste forever, you want to be in this moment forever. Alexia uses you to chase her own orgasm and you look up at her as she does so.

It's not long before she comes with a loud moan and fingers digging into your scalp, you moan with her and can't help yourself from running your hands down her ass again.

After the high is worn down slightly she puts a hand on your chin, making you look up. You feel her trace her thumb across your cheek as she smiles down at you- your heart flutters and core tightens at her expression.

"Get up."

You stand immediately and she pushes you on the bed then crawls to you like a predator to prey, straddling you on the bed and running her hands up and down your body. Occasionally squeezing your breasts making you arch off the bed slightly.

You feel so hot as if in an oven set to the highest temperature and Alexia's hands scald you- they leave behind pools of desperation that you so keenly want to get rid of.

Eventually, Alexia's hand finds its way into your underwear and you are reduced to a moaning mess. Arching off the bed and whining loudly as Alexia guides a finger inside of you while the palm of her hand is pressed into your clit.

It's euphoric, the pleasure runs through you each time Alexia thrusts her finger in and out of you- you claw at her back, desperately trying to hold onto anything. You leave behind red marks but Alexia doesn't seem to care, she lets you, even moans when you cement a hand into the meat of her shoulder.

"Fuck- Alexia, another, please... please!"

You beg even those she doesn't ask, you're too far gone. Alexia is grinding down on your crotch as she fingers and palms you, the idea of forming a thought is unavailable and all comprehension has left you.

Alexia humors you and easily slides another of her long fingers inside of you and you reward her with a long mewl that she smirks at. It's then that you realize that you won't last much longer- not with Alexia practically riding your lap whilst fingering you.

"Alexia- I'm gonna come, can I? Please?"

You don't know why you beg or ask for permission- you just do and Alexia smiles sweetly at you.

"Of course you can, cariño, you've been so good."

It pushes you over the edge and you let out a half yell as you come, shaking ever so slightly before going completely boneless in Alexia's sheets. You close your eyes as you breathe deeply- then feel Alexia slide off your lap and lay right beside you.

You feel her arm against yours and you turn to face her- your eyes meet her brown ones and you study them for a moment, committing them to memory. They remind you of freshly wet tree bark that smells like childhood in forests and you smile at the sentiment,

You raise a hand and trace the bridge of her nose then each cheek bone as if sculpting her face from scratch. You feel an ache in your heart as much as you do your legs... Alexia to you is a stranger. You know nothing of her and she knows nothing of you.

It's oddly comforting how there is no judgement, not when two strangers meet.

Alexia finds it hard to process the fact that you are in her bed. It's odd really, how peaceful it had been after the whole ordeal. You touched her face for a bit and she let you, leaning into it and then you had slipped under the covers and so had she.

You held her and she let you, leaning into the touch and in an ideal world she would wake up with you- cook breakfast for two and sit on the terrace with you as you laughed at her silly jokes.

Instead when Alexia wakes up the next morning, you are no longer holding her close and all your things are gone. A note in your place:

'Had to leave, Y/N'

Alexia sighs and picks herself up, walks Nala, cooks breakfast for one and eats alone at the kitchen counter.

She doesn't see you for a week and Alexia knows should have assumed that it was a one time thing but hope had been at the back of her mind; hope that you would knock on her door the next day with flowers or a card asking her on a date.

Instead, radio silence... well, almost radio silence.

She hears the piano for the first time that week on a Thursday evening. It's the same grief that is always sung from the instrument, just today it's louder. Louder than at the movie night and the slamming of keys creates an unnerving feeling inside of.

You play with anger, you're angry at yourself... angry at her- angry at grief. You slam the keys with no real talent, just pure rage. A knock brings you out of it for a moment but you don't care, you ignore whoever is at the door and keep playing until a series of loud knocks finally crack your shell.

You open the door and see Alexia, in a Barcelona sweatshirt and trousers. You feel a rush of guilt, you had ignored her- in good faith but still avoided her.

You hadn't meant to but still did so, bad habits returning like a disease.

"Alexia."

You greet her, it's short and it's so unlike the night you two of you shared last week. No passion, no want.

"Y/N? Can I come in?"

You sigh and survey the apartment, it's a mess- plates stacked up in the sink, stray cups far away from their home in the cupboard. Sheet music is everywhere, the floor, the table and kitchen tops but you sigh and open the door wider to let Alexia in.

She thanks you with a nod and does her own little sweep of the apartment- you think she's going to judge you or maybe give a snarky comment but instead she turns to you and you feel her hug.

It's soft, like your favorite bed sheets and you sigh into the hug- it's what you need. Alexia's strong arms around you, someone who doesn't know enough to judge, someone who just wants to be with you- in any way.

You pull away after a while, allowing Alexia to remove her shoes whilst you sit on the piano bench. It's weird, having another person in your new personal space but Alexia doesn't look out of place- she actually looks like the opposite.

You're lost in thought when you notice that she's stood right in front of you and you look up- Alexia doesn't look angry or disappointed, she looks concerned... an expression you know very well.

"You were gone for a week."

It's not a question and you don't treat it like one- You did disappear for a week.

"I was."

You slide to the right so Alexia can sit next to you on the piano bench, none of you say anything when she does so. You want to tell her everything but you've realized that you don't know Alexia- you don't know her favorite color, thing to eat, time of year... you don't even know what she does for work.

The two of you are strangers- neighbors that you know each other's bodies but not each other's hearts.

"I- can't... I can't tell you why, Alexia," You whisper, voice hoarse and dry.

You cannot tell her- it would break everything, break you and her- destroy the half built home you've made for yourself in Barcelona. You expect Alexia to demand an answer like most people would or maybe just walk out and never come back, instead you feel a hand wrap around your waist.

"I don't want to know, not unless you want to say."

“Just- don’t leave again?” 

You face her and she's smiling- it's a little sad, that kind of smile you would see after a funeral service but you don't care and lean in any way. Kiss her slowly, like you never want it to end because you don't, you want her to stay in this moment forever.

Toeing the line between someone who knows too much and a stranger is right where you want her to stay.

"Stay?" You ask like a child does for a new toy and she grants you your wish.

The two of you walk to your bedroom and lay on top of the bedsheets facing each other as if you were twelve and gossiping about your classmates.

"Tell me about you," You ask her to fill the silence when you don't have the strength.

Alexia does so with comfort, "I'm a footballer-"

"So you aren't just a fan, liar!" You let out a laugh for the first time in a week and give her a little push.

"You never asked? I have a little dog, Nala... You've met her- and I'm here with you and I don't think I want to be anywhere else."

It's half sheepish and half confident, you can't help but smile at it.

"I don't want to be anywhere else either."

The next month is the best one so far since you've moved to Barcelona- you see Alexia practically every day, go out sightseeing (something you had yet to do), go to the grocery store together, sometimes sleep around each other's places and eat dinner together each evening. It's a routine you find yourself getting comfortable in, even catching yourself smiling more and more when you're with her.

One evening, when it's your turn to host dinner, you play the piano for her. You're used to an audience but when you're on stage everyone seems so small- inconsequential so that’s why, when you're sitting on the bench about to play with Alexia sitting in front of one of the mismatched chairs, you feel suddenly nervous.

"Promise you won't laugh?"

Immediately Alexia laughs and you frown.

"I won't, you know I wont."

You decide to ignore the nervousness stewing in your stomach and finally press the keys and play Franz Liszt, liebesträume. A piece you had ignored for so long because it hurt so much but Alexia is here with you now and she deserves to know what she means to you.

Your fingers glide across the keyboard and the emotion slips out unwillingly- the piece means so much to you, good memories, bad memories, arguments and makeups.

By the time you're finished and look up Alexia is crying- hot tears streaming down her face without control and you shoot up to wipe them away.

"I'm sorry," You don't know why you apologize but it seems fitting.

Between hiccups, Alexia says, "Don't- That... was beautiful."

After that you eat dinner with a small candle between you- smiling and chatting about absolutely everything and nothing at the same time.

This bubble the two of you built over the month grows by the day until it's burst one evening by reality.

It's just after Christmas and New Year when it happens- you finally get to see Alexia after she returns from visiting her family and the two of you fall back into that same routine.

Yet Tuesday is different, you sit at dinner in silence this time. Listening to Alexia talk about training and teammates with occasional hums that sounds like you don't really care.

You aren't paying attention, methodically taking bites of your food every so often when the clatter of a fork breaks you out of it. You look up to see Alexia staring at you with the same expression of worry.

You sigh and put down your own cutlery. This was a long time coming, you'd been walking a tightrope with Alexia- your hands out for support desperately trying to stay balanced and now your balance had been broken.

"Alexia."

It's an invitation to a conversation you would rather avoid altogether but it's been a long time coming... and Alexia has become more important to you than you'd intended. A crutch to your unstable life, some kind of stability.

"I'll tell you, if you'll listen," You offer in a meek voice, one that you don't normally find yourself speaking in around Alexia.

Alexia's eyebrows shoot up and you know that she knows what you're talking about- the reason for practically everything you do. Why you're in Barcelona, why you play, why you lean on Alexia- seek her out.

She nods and you sigh, preparing yourself to hold back scalding tears.

"My- my best friend... actually, my girlfriend or ex now... she was from Barcelona and-"

You pause as a lump forms in your throat, choking you and making unwanted tears form in your eyes. An anvil rests on your chest, thick and heavy grief passes over you in waves that you desperately try to hold back.

"She... died- and... and it was all my fault."

You're crying as you're saying it, tears flowing down your cheeks freely, ruining the makeup you had put so much effort in and making that heavy feeling looming over you into a storm.

Alexia jumps out of her seat and kneels next to yours, taking your hands in hers. They are warm and normally you'd find them comforting but here, now, they burn you with guilt. Guilt for finding her and moving on. 

"No, that can't be true, cariño-"

"It is, Alexia! I... we fought a lot- over my career... and one day- she... she couldn't take it anymore- she.. she," You let out a choked sob that makes your throat ache.

You can't say it- you never have been able to. It's a pain that is so present yet never comfortable enough to process- it's the pain of losing a part of yourself as much as losing a friend.

You look down at Alexia and her facial expression is kind- something you don't expect, you'd actually expect the opposite; disgust, guilt on your behalf, maybe even hate. It makes you cry harder, knowing that she must be the only person that doesn't hate you for not stopping something so far out of your control.

She stands and you feel strong arms wrapped around you. They give you stability for a moment, awakening some kind of strength that you didn't know you possessed anymore.

"She- killed herself, three years ago yesterday and.. and I found her, Alexia."

Alexia's arms tighten around you ever so slightly and you feel her hand run up and down your back in an odd sort of comfort.

The two of you stay there for what feels like forever- an eternity that you wish were true. You want Alexia to stay forever, to forever hold you as you cry tears that have been marinating your years.

When she finally lets you go, she doesn't speak and you thank her silently, instead she wipes your tears with the back of her thumb- clears the table by herself and leads you to her bedroom.

You strip your clothes off quietly and so does Alexia until the two of you are in bed with your underwear on. This time, she holds you, arms wrapped around your middle in a way you didn't think you needed.

The silence is comfortable and you don't go to fill it as you normally would- there is nothing to say, nothing to explain because no questions are asked. Alexia asks nothing of you, no why, or how and it's refreshingly loving. She wants nothing but you, here with her and not reliving the past with her as a passenger.

The both of you stay like that for a while, laying together in the dark room, just holding each other as if you were the only people in the universe. You find yourself breathing without issue- the heavy weight of guilt slowly decreases.

You know it's never going to be gone and you don't want it to be, you want to remember her as best as you can but it feels so new to have so little guilt upon your weakened chest.

"Ale?" You check whether Alexia is asleep and a soft hum answers you, then a kiss on your shoulder solidifies her sleeplessness.

You sigh and wrap your arms around the ones on your waist, "I used to not be able to dream- never have I dreamt."

"Isn't that weird?"

Alexia answers softly, "Maybe... but maybe that's what makes you special."

You shake your head and crack the lightest of smiles.

"No, because I dream now, vividly- ever since I saw you in the elevator, I've been dreaming of what I'll be doing next... with you."

It turns out that twenty five Euros can buy you a ticket to Barcelona from Madrid but it can also guide you to a stranger that will eventually pick up the pieces to your broken puzzle with her own hands. Help you find your place as much as you help her.  

[literaryvein-reblogs]

Writing Notes: Allegory

Allegory - a story that alludes to other literary works or comments on common conditions of life.

When a work or its passages are allegorical, they are similar to an event, character or setting in a story that is universally known: a fable, a parable in the Bible, or a Greek myth.

Allegories have 2 levels of narration occurring at the same time: the actual events, characters and setting presented in the story, and the ideas they are intended to convey or the significance they bear.

3 Literary Forms that you might use when discussing allegory:

Fable. A fable is a short story, often featuring animals with human traits, to which writers attach morals or explanations.

Parable. Parables are most often associated with Jesus Christ, who used them in His teachings. They are short narratives that exemplify religious truths or insights.

Myth. Myths are stories, either short or long, that are often associated with religion and philosophy and with various races and cultures. They embody the social and cultural values of the civilization during which they were written.

When writing about allegory, determine whether all or part of the story is allegorical.

Sustained allegory. This occurs when a story’s allegory continues throughout the work, from beginning to end. The sole purpose is to convey the dominant idea. The idea is emphasized rather than the story’s actual (literal) details. For example, The Pilgrim’s Progress is a story about Christian’s difficult journey from his home in the City of Destruction to his new home in the Heavenly City. But the main idea is about the rigors and trials of Christian life.

Episodic allegory. This occurs when a story contains an allegorical episode or passage. The passage is based on both the actual (literal) events in the story and the allegorical elements. For example, during one scene in the film Star Wars, Darth Vader imprisons Luke Skywalker, and Skywalker must exert all his skill and strength to get free and to overcome Vader. This temporary imprisonment signifies those moments of doubt and discouragement that people experience while trying to overcome obstacles. Similar heroic deeds have been represented allegorically in the stories of Jason and the Argonauts and Beowulf and Grendel.

When analyzing allegory, ask yourself the following questions:

The application of allegory. Does the allegory (fable, parable, myth) refer to anything or anyone specific? Does it refer to an action or particular period of history? Or does the allegory refer to human tendencies or ideas? Does it illustrate, point by point, particular philosophies or religions? If the allegory seems outdated, how much can be applied for people living today?

The consistency of allegory. Is the allegory maintained consistently throughout the work, or is it intermittently used? Explain and detail this use.

Do extra reading and research:

To understand allegorical implications in a story, you have to become familiar with the source of the similarities.

Allegorical sources include world history, classic works of literature, and archetypal ideas, such as the “quest” or “coming of age.”

You might need to use a dictionary, encyclopedia, or other reference book. For example, you would not recognize that the musical West Side Story is allegorical unless you were aware of its similarities to a classic work of literature: Romeo and Juliet. Thus, to see certain implications in West Side Story, you have to have a general grasp of Shakespeare’s play.

Remember: As long as the similarities are close and consistent, your allegorical interpretations of the story will be valid.

If these writing notes help with your poem/story, do tag me. Or send me a link. I'd love to read them!

Writing Notes & References

[blitzwhore]

wait, i don't understand, can u please if u want explain why they scrapped the "Stolitz Montage" song?

Yeah, I can explain! I actually have a lot of thoughts about these songs.

For context, at the beginning of Sinsmas, a song called Day By Day plays in the background while Blitz and Stolas run errands. Originally, a different song (untitled, so Sam Haft—the composer—unofficially called it Stolitz Montage) was going to play during these scenes, but they ended up scrapping it. I mentioned in the tags of a different post that I understood why they'd made this decision.

If you don't want to keep reading, my TL;DR is that I believe the tone and mood of Stolitz Montage doesn't fit Stolas' emotional journey in Sinsmas as well as Day By Day does.

If you do want to read my full personal analysis, keep reading below the cut!

-

(Note: I'm going to focus on the songs' lyrics, because I'm not knowledgeable enough about music to analyse the musical aspect of the songs. If anyone else wants to add their thoughts in that regard, be my guest!)

Let's start by taking a look at the lyrics of the scrapped song, Stolitz Montage:

So you're having a bad time

You're stressing and everything all seems much so

You've been having a sad time

And your family probably hates your fucking guts so

The song starts by describing Stolas' situation and emotional state in the days following the trial: he is sad and overwhelmed, everything feels like "too much", and his family probably hates him.

It's pretty clear from the get-go that they wanted a song for this montage that conveyed Stolas' struggle to adapt to life as a commoner, away from everything he's known, and having gone cold turkey on his depression meds (the lack of which is emphasised visually throughout the song).

The song is also in second person: Stolas isn't him, or me, he's you. This is something both songs have in common. It keeps the song at a slight emotional distance from Stolas. Whereas a first-person song would make the feelings too personal—would make Stolas too aware of his own struggle—and a third-person song wound be too distant, the second person allows Stolas to be only passively aware of his emotional state. He's not the one singing; he's the one being sung about. What he's feeling is being pointed out to him by an external, seemingly omniscient voice.

The song continues:

Ooooh-oh oooh ooh

I know you feel it too

You lost your way

And just can't fake it for another day

It's hard to take it

Just pretend you're gonna be okay

Here is where I think the tone of the song starts to deviate from what they wanted to convey in this montage.

At first glance, this is a continuation of the previous verses, and mostly expands on Stolas' emotional state: "it's hard to take it"; "you lost your way".

The key difference is that the lyrical voice now plays an actual role in that emotional state.

First, it states that it shares Stolas' feelings ("I know you feel it too"—implying that Stolas isn't the only one who feels this way). Thus, the lyrical voice starts shifting into an active character within the scene. And not any kind of character—one that can relate to Stolas and, more importantly, one that can offer some comfort.

Then, there's the line "just pretend you're gonna be okay". Now, I see two possible interpretations for this line. It can either be a piece of advice for Stolas (hey, I know it's hard, but just pretend), or another description of his struggle, a continuation of the previous line: "(it's hard to) just pretend you're gonna be okay". Personally, I lean slightly towards the former interpretation, especially because the lyrical voice's intention to offer comfort and advice becomes clearer in the next line of the song:

You're not okay and that's okay

This is where the focus of the song shifts fully towards a hopeful, even optimistic view of Stolas' situation.

Now, I get where they were going with this. "It's okay to not be okay" is a very powerful thing to say to someone who's struggling with mental illness and hard life circumstances, and it's one Stolas badly needs to hear.

In fact, it is a message that is conveyed to Stolas multiple times throughout the episode. By Blitz. Not through words, of course—but through actions. In the montage itself, as well as throughout the rest of the episode, Blitz constantly stands by Stolas' side, offers him company and comfort, meets him where he's at emotionally, doesn't pressure him to be okay, and (especially at the end in their apartment) gives room for Stolas' sadness and grief to exist. He hugs Stolas, puts his hands on Stolas' arms, and opens up emotionally about his own sister, and those are all ways of showing Stolas that it's okay that Stolas isn't okay.

But here's the thing. The knowledge that it's okay to not be okay is Blitz's, not Stolas'. That is Blitz's emotional state, not Stolas'. Stolas doesn't know it's okay to not be okay, and even though Blitz keeps conveying this message to him, he's not able to hear it just yet. Not this early in his descent to rock bottom.

In fact, learning that it's okay to not be okay is a journey that Stolas only begins at the end of the episode. By then, Stolas still isn't okay, but he begins to come to terms with the fact that that's alright. And he does this by allowing Blitz to sit in silence with him, to dance with him, to pry a laugh from him, to hold him without any expectations of being held back. The final scene of the episode is all about them both being okay even though Stolas isn't. We see this in the fact that Stolas lets himself stay in Blitz's arms, going as far as closing his eyes. He's there. He's finally in the moment. He's finally allowing the "not okay" feelings in his body to just be.

The Stolitz Montage song ends with:

You put one foot in front of the other

Then you take it day by day

Knowing you got nothing

You still got each other

Ooooh-oh oooh ooh

Again, most of these lines do match Stolas' emotional state. In fact, the notion of just living life one day at a time, just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other, is very representative of what a depressive episode can and does feel like.

But, in the very last line, the song shifts right back to a reassuring tone: "you still got each other".

Now, not only does the hopeful, optimistic sentiment of this line belong—once again—to Blitz's emotional state, it also goes directly against what the emotional arc of the episode aims to achieve.

Sinsmas isn't about them having each other—Sinsmas is about Stolas having Blitz.

It takes him all episode to realise this, too. At the beginning, when the montage takes place, Stolas is just going through the motions. As stated above, he's just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other—he's fully on survival mode. During the fight with Andrealphus, Stolas is shocked that Blitz came to save him, that he risked his life. That is the moment Stolas begins to truly comprehend that he can lean on Blitz. And then, after they get home, he slowly continues to learn it, as explained above. By the end of the episode, he's only just starting to allow himself to lean emotionally on Blitz.

And significantly, Blitz doesn't lean on Stolas. Because he's at a very different part of his own character arc, and he already had his opportunity to lean emotionally on those around him with Millie in Ghostfuckers, and to a lesser extent, with all his employees during their mission on Sinsmas.

Blitz has gone through enough pain, character growth, and healing to both understand exactly where Stolas is at, and be able to meet him there and be a rock for Stolas to lean on.

So the reason that line—that last line, positioned strategically to drive home its message that it's all gonna be okay—doesn't work for the montage is twofold. Firstly, because Stolas isn't ready to see that he has Blitz. Secondly, because it is now Blitz's turn to give comfort without needing to receive it in exchange.

And, if we take a look at the whole song, the reason it doesn't work for the scene is because it doesn't meet Stolas where he's at. The song says, "yes, you're sad, but—" and shifts to optimism. It doesn't fully allow Stolas to simply not be okay. To not be there yet. It doesn't fully allow his depression to just suck. The feelings of sadness and overwhelmingness are shadowed by a positivity and hope that belong to Blitz, and not Stolas.

Let's now take a look at Day By Day, and at which ideas from the original song were kept, which ones were changed, how, and why it works:

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

You take it day by day

You got everything that you had thought you wanted

But you still feel so blue

And you don't know what to do

Right off the bat, the lyrics are very similar in tone to the ones at the beginning of Stolitz Montage. Once again, a lyrical voice in the second person describes Stolas' emotional state: he's blue (sad), he's taking it day by day.

But there's already a change. "You have everything you thought you wanted, but you still feel so blue".

The fact that Stolas had always wanted a life with Blitz is something the previous song doesn't touch on whatsoever. And it matters, because "what Stolas thought he wanted" is a central part of his arc in the episode. It comes back during his breakdown at the office: "and I did it for what?! These stupid, foolish fantasies?" And it comes back again when Blitz saves him from Andrealphus, and when Blitz dances with him and their eyes meet afterwards.

As stated above, this is the episode where it dawns on Stolas that he has Blitz. But he isn't there yet at the beginning of the episode, and so he still believes what he and Blitz had was just a fantasy of his. And because he's never had anything with Blitz that wasn't a fantasy, because fantasy is all he knows, he doesn't immediately know what to do with the real thing. With the domesticity, and the errands. He doesn't recognise the signs Blitz is sending his way that he's got Blitz to lean on.

These two lines are also important because they bring forth another aspect of depression that the previous song doesn't: that love doesn't cure depression, or make it magically go away. That going cold turkey on your meds and having a massive depressive episode is going to suck no matter how many good things you have in this life, because depression is a biological process, not a state of mind. Depression takes away your ability to find joy in things that used to bring you it. It takes away your feelings, your energy, your strength.

Notice that Stolas doesn't seem apathetic or hollow inside on the night of the trial and the morning after. Yes, he's had his title and power stripped, he's been physically assaulted in the street, and yes, he's worried about Octavia. Obviously, he shows signs of being dissociated, and he's exhausted. But, emotionally, he's still hanging on. He still thanks Blitz for everything, and he talks to Blitz in the morning, and smiles when Blitz offers to get him rats. Before the effects of going cold turkey on his meds start to kick in, he's grateful to be around Blitz.

It's during the montage, as the days go by, that he starts feeling blue. Because depression is very quickly taking away the joy he found in Blitz's company.

And that's why, even in the first few lines, this song conveys Stolas' state of mind so much better than the previous one. Because while the message in Stolitz Montage was "yes, you're sad, but—", the message in Day By Day is "yes, you should be happy, but."

It lets the sad win over the happy. It lets depression take Stolas down with it, it lets him feel helpless and lost. "You still feel so blue, and you don't know what to do."

The song continues:

You're sitting at the end of the rainbow, but the pain grows

And you can't help let the strain show

'Cause what else are you to do?

These lines emphasise the ideas presented in the previous ones: that Stolas should be happy, but he isn't. That the pain that has planted itself in Stolas is growing. So much so that he can't help but let it show.

Stolas' helplessness, his slow descent into misery, are given the room to exist. Everything around him seems fine, but he's not fine. And he's not told that it's okay to not be fine. Because this is Stolas' emotional state we're exploring, and for him, it's not okay to not be fine right now. He's too busy going through the motions to grant himself that kind of mercy.

The song finishes:

Keep it calm, life goes on, and on, and on

Nothing's wrong, nothing's wrong

So why do I still feel this way?

Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh

You take it day by day

And, much like in the previous song, we get a small hint of what could be interpreted either as advice/reassurance from the lyrical voice, or as Stolas actively telling himself to pretend to be okay. "keep it calm, life goes on, nothing's wrong". In this case, though, I lean towards the latter interpretation for a very simple reason: the next line shifts to first person. "So why do I still feel this way?"

And that's the thing: once again, the hope and calm he's trying to make himself feel are immediately overpowered by his feelings of sadness. Once again, it's the sadness that wins over, and not the happiness. His depression is given room to drag him down, take him slowly towards rock bottom.

And once again, the last line—at least the last one before the chorus is repeated—is used to drive home the message of the song. But this time, the message is that, despite it all, despite having what he wanted, despite sitting at the end of the rainbow, despite trying to convince himself he's okay, he still feels sad. Because that's what depression does. No matter how many good things you have in your life, it drags you down.

And that message, in that last line, is delivered in the form of a question. "Why do I still feel this way?" This matters for two reasons. The first one is that it shows that Stolas isn't (fully) aware of what's happening to him. He obviously knows he needs his meds, he knows he should be taking them. We see him reach out for them. But he is also living his emotions, and not just experiencing them from the outside. And as the emotions take over, he loses perspective of where they come from, too caught up in how they're drowning him.

The second reason this matters is because the song and the lyrical voice don't offer Stolas answers.

In Stolitz Montage, Stolas gets an answer to his struggle: that, ultimately, [Blitz and Stolas] still got each other.

But in Day By Day, all Stolas gets are questions. What else are you to do? Why do I still feel this way?

Day By Day meets Stolas where he's at during the days leading up to Sinsmas after the trial. It allows for these questions to exist without an answer; it lets the answers come later in the episode. It lets his journey through the episode play out, allowing him to learn that he has Blitz, that he needs his meds, and that he has to be okay with the fact that things are not okay.

By the end of the episode, he can acknowledge that he made his choices and has to deal with the consequences. He starts to understand Blitz is by his side, willing to help him through this. That his relationship with Blitz might not feel like he thought it would, because he's too mentally ill and heart-broken to be there—but that they still have each other, they still love each other, and they'll be okay.

But during the montage, he's not there yet, and it wouldn't make sense for the song to be there, either.

So, yes, as cute and optimistic as Stolitz Montage is, and as glad as I am they released it anyways for us to enjoy, I believe the writers made the right decision by scrapping it for the episode.

If you read this far, thank you for your time! Please treat yourself to a glass of water for me, and feel free to share your thoughts ❤️

[authorforrosie]

Book: Her

Pairing: Rosé x female reader

Warning: fluffiness and mention of hard career

Words:867

Quote: „I would not wish any companion in the world but you." William Shakespeare.

In the overfilled city of Los Angeles, nestled amidst rolling hills, loud noises, many crowds across the streets, a lot of architecture and blooming meadows, there resided two souls destined by the stars to meet and entwine their fates. You who has the name Y/N, a gifted photographer who was hired by the vogue with an eye that saw the world's beauty in every shadow and light, and Rosé Park, a K-Pop singer whose voice could summon tears from even the hardest hearts. A member of one of the most famous girl groups called blackpink.

The future of the blonde dyed woman unknown since she recently just debuted with her first solo album, many tears shed which reminded of water filled oceans. The amount of love like no other written in every lyric, heartbreaking lyrics that broke hearts with each beautiful vocals.

A weight of having to be perfect still weighted on Rosé's shoulders. Since she had a reputation of the perfect singer in the k-pop industry as a blackpink member. It left her more vulnerable as a solo artists with an unknown music journey in the future. Each blackpink member is trying to break out of the "perfect" reputation. Jennie even released a rap about the management holding them back from achieving big things in the music industry in a ad.

The tale begins one fateful award event on a certain night, when the event was alive with the sounds of the loud conversation of celebrities. Lights glowed like stars fallen to earth, and the scent of perfumes and blooming adrenaline filled the air. You, ever the observer of life's fleeting moments, wandered through the crowd with your camera, capturing the joyous faces and tender celebrities as only humans being scenes that unfolded before your eyes

As night descended, the event reached its crescendo with the arrival of Rosé, the golden voice loved by many on stage with a baby pink mic in her hand. Her voice, rich with emotions while sweet like honey, filled the air with melodies that spoke of love, being lost, and longing. You, drawn by the haunting beauty of her song, found yourself standing at the edge of the crowd, your heart thrumming in time with the music. You could feel the emotions she poured in her song's through your veins.

Your eyes met across the sea of faces, and in that moment, a spark ignited. Rosé's voice faltered as he gazed upon you, a vision of grace and elegance, your camera poised like an artist's brush while she continued to sing, but her heart now sang for you alone.

After Rosé's performance, she sought out the mysterious photographer. Rosé found you siting next at another celebrity. You looked absolutely breathtaking in her opinions which made her not wanting to lose an opportunity to have a conversation with you.

"Hi pretty, you look lonely. You caught my eyes while I was performing. A beautiful camera by the way." said Rosé while her australian accent could be heard, " your presence has inspire my soul. I am but a humble singer, yet I feel compelled to capture the essence of the beauty in song, as thou dost capture the world in thine art."

Your cheeks flushed with the warmth of her words, replied, "Good darling, your voice has moved me like no other. I am Y/N, a seeker of truth and beauty through the lens of my camera. Might I have the honor of capturing the likeness, that I may remember this night forever?"

Rosé was grateful that she had some self-control otherwise she would've flushed red cheeks by your reply. Your words took her breath literally away.

Thus began your journey of love, each discovering the depths of the other's soul through your shared passion for art. Both of you spent countless hours together, exploring the event later even a little bit of LA and surrounding crowds, capturing the world's wonders in photograph and song.

Rosé would sing as you photographed, her melodies weaving through the air like golden threads, binding your hearts ever closer. You, in turn, would find new inspiration in Rosé's music, your photographs revealing the hidden beauty that her voice evoked.

Your love for each other blossomed, unfettered by the trials and tribulations that life often brings. Both of you were kindred spirits, united by your art and your love for one another. Your bond with Rosé grew ever stronger, a testament to the power of love to transcend the boundaries of time and space.

Years passed, your love story became legendary in the music industry. The music industry was forever changed by both of your presence, and the memory of both of yours love endured, passed down through generations of singers as a symbol of the enduring power of art and the human spirit.

And so, in the twilight of your lives, you and Rosé, your hearts still entwined, looked back upon your journey together with gratitude and joy. For you both had found in each other a love that transcended the ordinary, a love that was truly extraordinary.

[inbarfink]

So when discussing the ending of ‘Over the Garden Wall’ and the nature of the Unknown in general, I think it is important to remember that it’s left deliberately up for interpretation. You know, it’s not a Quiz with one concrete answer we must uncover, but it’s more about our interpretations and personal feelings. Each and every one of us experiences that journey with Wirt and Greg into the Unknown in a slightly different way. 

So what I want to do here is not present a Correct Interpretation that will dispute all the others and prove them all wrong and prove myself right, I just want to share my own outlook on the nature of the Unknown. In the hopes that others will like it and it’ll inspire more cool readings and interpretations

So on some level I do agree with the popular theory that the Unknown is some sort of Afterlife - but I don’t see it as a regular Afterlife for human souls, I think it is an afterlife for Stories. This place is where fictional characters and stories end up once they’ve been totally forgotten by the living, ‘lost in the clouded annals of history’. and become.... unknown It is quite literally a place where ‘long forgotten stories are revealed to those who travel through the wood’.

That’s why the Unknown is a mishmash of different time periods and primarily visually and narratively influenced by stuff like fairy tales, ghost stories, children’s books and old cartoons - these stories have a high-tendency to be forgotten and thus get lost in the Unknown (whatever it’s because they rely on oral traditions or because they suffered from very poor preservation historically). 

And that is what the theme song, ‘Into the Unknown’ is talking about…

Where can we pretend that dreams do come true? In Stories.

And what are ‘the loveliest lies of all’? Now that would be Fiction. 

The entire concept of stories is a huge theme of this song, I think.

Beatrice and her family, Adelaide of the Pasture, Auntie Whispers and Lorna were all originally fairy tales. Maybe the same fairy tale, or maybe they were originally separated before being ‘melded’ together. (If, for example, the last child to Remember them before they were forgotten just assumed the Bad Witch in both the Auntie Whispers and Beatrice stories was Adelaide)

Pottsfield was an old urban legend about a haunted ghost town, Wirt and Greg basically played through its ‘plot’ directly. 

Miss Langtree, the schoolhouse and the other associated characters come from a long-forgotten and out-of-print children’s book. That’s why those characters tend to talk in comically-stilted expository dialogue. 

The Tavern was the setting for a series of 20’s animated cartoons.  (Although obviously set long before that era). The Tavern Keeper was created as a Betty Boop clone and was the main character. The Tavern setting was probably a mere framing device for all sort of musical animations. The reason why none of them can comprehend the idea of not having some sort of Title or Label is because that’s how they were written - all given job-related titles but not named.

Fred the Talking Horse was a main character from a forgotten tradition of humorous oral stories where he was sometimes a trickstery anti-hero and sometimes a straight-up comedic villain protagonist.

Quincy Endicott and Margueritte Grey were characters from a satiric limerick about the greedy rich and their wacky habits. (Quincy was at least inspired by a real-life person since his name appears on a tombstone in the real world)

Possibly the same limerick where the punchline was the status-quo at the beginning of their OTGW ep, that both rivals’ mansions have become connected and they assume the other is a ghost haunting their house. Or maybe they were each from different regional variations of the same limerick about a greedy rich weirdo being lost in their own house and going mad. 

Frogland and their little boat might be from a children’s book as well, but I also think that maybe… from the vignettes shown at the opening of the series…

That one might take place outside the Unknown, and shows the real inception of Frogland. Two brothers making up stories with their toy boat by the river. Since they never shared these stories with anyone else, when these two brothers died or maybe just grew up and forgot their boyhood misadventures by the stream - these stories also ended up in the Unknown. 

The Fishing Fish we see briefly in ‘Babes in the Woods’ might be a small comedic illustration from a children’s book, or another piece of limerick, or just someone’s random notebook doodle that gained a life of its own first in the creator’s mind and then in the Unknown. 

Cloud City, the North Wind and the Queen of the Clouds were also, much like the Tavern, from a very old cartoon.

The Beast was once just a mere Boogie Man to keep young children from wandering off into the woods. Ending up forgotten in the Unknown just ended up giving him a whole world of lost souls to harvest. 

Maybe the Woodsman and his daughter were always a part of the story of the Beast. But since it seems that the Woodsman being a lantern-bearer is a fairly recent development - they might have had their own separate story. Some sort of pastoral novel about a family moving near the woods? But their narrative has been ‘hijacked’ by the Beast. 

Wirt and Greg ended up lost within the Unknown cause had they actually died in the lake that night - they would have become a Story in their town. I mean we have a moody lonely teenager and his adorable little brother disappearing/dying - on the night of Halloween - after last being seen in a graveyard - with the older brother’s last act on this earth being to hand his crush a cassette of his love poetry. Can you imagine what sort of Urban Legenda you can grow from those seeds?

But as they were not yet dead, and not a Story yet… so they were technically an Unknown story. Between the borders of life and death from a human perspective because they were about to die, and from a Story perspective because they were just about to be born.

And the ending sequence, with the little vignettes showing where all the characters from all the episodes ended up. I think that’s almost like Wirt and Greg back in the world of the living and the real - being able to create happy endings for all of those stories they've met. That’s how the Woodsman’s daughter ended up being alive all along - it was less that the Woodsman's whole tragedy was a wacky misunderstanding all along. But it became so as a gift of thanks by their new storytellers - Wirt and Greg.

Because if dreams can't come true, than why not pretend?

[planetformer-central]

Ooh! I have a question about Halley’s Comet and Curiosity’s budding romance. How did that start and how do the others feel about it? I personally think it’s flat out adorable!

Curiosity found out about Halley's Comet when she returned from one of her journeys to visit Pluto and the rest. She was unaware of the rovers at this point, at least their sentience. As such, she didn't even bat an eye at them as he passed by Mars with gifts for him.

That is when Curiosity saw her. He saw her golden crown, her ethereal form, and the sheer joy of her very being, and instantly he was drawn to her. She seemed to him to be his other half. Where he sang and projected himself through vocalization and tale, she was a walking piece of art. She was his muse and everything he sought to embody in glory.

It didn't begin as love, merely infatuation. But when Halley landed to give Mars her gifts, she decided to stay a while and meet the rovers. She got along with all of them obviously, but Curiosity made it a point to speak with her and sing his songs. Against all the odds, she actually enjoyed his singing a great deal, and from there, a habit formed. Whenever she came near, she always stopped to listen to Curiosity sing. And when he sang, she danced across the stars to show her appreciation.

One thing led to another, and now she returns far more frequently just to hear her small suitor sing to her. She loves his voice and he loves to produce melodies worthy of her attention. They exchange gifts, and often, Halley brings back things like instruments from other worlds for her lovely suitor to learn to play. She will forever adore his music, even if sometimes it doesn't quite work out the way he wants it to.

Mars personally thinks their relationship is adorable and can already sense the budding bond of a Titan and her speaker forming between them. Halley will never have citizens of her own, but she can have Curiosity, and that brings Mars peace. Pluto personally hates Curiosity, but its more out of principle than anything else. He doesn't think Curiosity can properly represent Halley and thus has little love for him. Moon could care less about the drama of his extended family, but Earth is quite invested in their developing romance. She loves seeing new life come from the love shared between two who are joined in whatever oaths they see fit to take. (She may or may not be silently hoping that somehow, Halley and Curiosity can give her some more little ones to adore.)

The other rovers for the most part think that Curiosity and Halley are gross and or weird, but they don't really comment. Well, except Spirit, Opportunity, Perseverance, and occasionally Zhurong. Zhurong doesn't comment as much as he makes treats for the two, and Opportunity is more fond of teasing kindly ever now and then. But Spirit and Perseverance? They are menaces and mock Curiosity relentlessly, Spirit with a little more love than his counterpart.

[intuitive-revelations]

Going back to the 'I thought it was non-diegetic' thing in The Devil's Chord, it is interesting to think about how many musical elements in Doctor Who we know really are non-diegetic.

The 'four-beat' baseline variation of the theme tune is implicitly connected to the Master's drums, or at least a Time Lord heartbeat. Same goes, of course, for whenever the four drums are featured in the Master's themes (eg. The Master Vainglorious).

One could thus argue the the more 'swinging' baseline ("[da-]dun da-dun") is a Time Lord heartbeat too, just with the hearts in a different phase (the Doctor's?). I think there's actually a good argument for this just based on the muted trumpets at the beginning of The Master Vainglorious, which plays both: first a 4-beat, then a swinged 3-beat, like it's alternating between the Master's heartbeat and the Doctor's heartbeat, immediately followed by a call and response section:

Clara's theme is of course written by Twelve, based on his remaining memories of her.

The theme tune melody itself ("doo-wee-oo") has appeared a few times not just as Incidental music (Logopolis, The Timeless Children), but in-universe too. Obviously this happened in The Devil's Chord, but it also appears in the first episode of K9, where a small piece of it exists within K9's damaged memory:

(While not an in-universe example, it is worth noting that the theme tune melody also appears in River's theme, specifically the end of songs like "Melody Pond", which played in the cliffhangers to Day of the Moon and A Good Man Goes to War.)

One maybe lesser known example: "The Doctor's Theme" (ie. the primary theme for the Ninth and Tenth Doctors) was jokingly referred to by production (including RTD and Phil Collinson) as "Flavia's Theme", based on the idea it was sung by Flavia and echoes through the time vortex.

The Songs of Captivity and Freedom, heard first in Planet of the Ood, but again later during Journey's End, are sung by the Ood.

Similarly Vale Decem, itself containing the Doctor's/Flavia's theme, is also sung by them.

In retrospect, Ood Sigma's line during Ten's regeneration about how "this song is ending, but the story never ends" kinda overlaps with all that stuff I posted recently about 'time tracks' in meta-time doesn't it? With the idea that a period of (meta-)time can be a song, with meta-time progressing along time tracks like grooves on a record, that can be accidentally skipped across or back. Add in all that stuff about how "time is memory and memory is time" in The Legend of Ruby Sunday, and how "maybe [memories] become songs" in Hell Bent, and a theme starts to develop.

[redbleedingrose]

What do the batboys do for hobbies in your opinion

Hobbies for Bat Boys!

Rhysand

Okay so to be honest, I feel like Rhys is constantly stressed out being high lord and having to make all these heavy decisions, so his hobby would be something super relaxing and something you wouldn't expect.

First off, Rhysie is such a fashionista, just like his mother. He is absolutely going out with you to pick out all your outfits for the season. You are probably the best dressed female in Pyrthian and it is all because of him. He goes out of his way to custom design outfits for you, often playing a role in hand tailoring dresses that don't fit you perfectly so that it fits you like a sleeve. He knows different styles that look amazing on you, even when you don't think so. All the ladies of Valeris follow your fashion sense, not knowing that it is actually Rhys who is the trend setter for the night court.

Okay, this is kinda out there, but!!! I feel like Rhys would also just love flipping homes. He didn't realize this until after the attack on Valeris, but when he began to help with rebuilding the homes that were destroyed, he realized how much he enjoys the intricacies of designing a home, and surprisingly, he loves the handiwork of it too. Maybe it is the Illyrian in him that finds satisfaction in building something from the ground up. Once the homes of Valeris are rebuilt, he is really bored and can't figure out why until he decides to create a vacation home for just the two of you, and then he realizes what he has been missing out on. Now, he likes to build vacation homes for you and your future children and grandchildren from the ground up.

Cassian

For our daddy Cassian, I think he would pull a fast one on you and be really good at baking. You would think for a big, burly, hunk of a male he would be into wrestling or training as a hobby, but I think he sees it as more-so a job than a hobby. It comes to him when its nearing your birthday, and he is tearing the house apart to find the old recipe book his mother used to create birthday cakes for him when he was just a babe. Finally, he finds it with all these recipes that have tiny handwritten changes inked into the pages, and he realizes that his mum poured her love into her cooking and baking. So he tries to do that for you. Because he loves you more than he can possibly describe. So he bakes a five tiered black forrest cherry cake, with marachino cherries he hand picked from Summer Court (which he had to sneak into and out of with the help of a certain spymaster) and fudge imported from the Autumn Court. It turns out to be the best cake you and he have ever eaten, and thus begins his journey as a home baker. Cass becomes extremely good at making pies, cakes, and macrons. He never shows up to a family dinner without some form of dessert. At this point, even Elain can't complain because the sweets he brings are just too good.

Another hobby that I think Cass would have would be going to nursing homes or daycares where he can interact with the elderly and little babes. He always brings a dessert in tow that has the children literally climbing on top of him. He listens to the stories that the elderly have for him, taking note of all the lessons that he learns from them about love and life, sometimes sharing the stories with you in the deep of night like the little gossip he is. And he likes to play games with all the little babes, encouraging them to join him outside so they can play hide and seek in the woods behind the daycare. Sometimes you tag along because the babes love story time with you, complaining that Cass doesn't show the drawings for long enough like you do.

Azriel

The shadowsinger is indeed a singer.

He spends a lot of time in his private office with you lounging on the couch nearby reading, taking the time to develop different song lyrics and hymns for you. It is the one thing that he inherited from his father that he is willing to accept, is his musical creativity. He likes to collect different musical instruments and uses them to create different toons that he will only ever play for you. Sometimes he puts on one male shows just for you, playing the piano while softly singing you a song that he wrote with you in mind. He could spend hours trying to figure out the different keys and notes that he can achieve just to formulate something that might put into words how he feels about you.

I think Az is also the kind of male who is really interested in learning dead languages. He would find this ancient book in the libraries beneath the the House of Wind, and could spend days if you let him, trying to decode the meaning of the books. He likes the phenotics and analyzing different poetry and trying to make sense of what fae in the past felt and thought.

To expand on the last point, Azzie is def the history buff of the bat boys. He loves learning about the history wars and times of depression in the past, and how the world came together to make something better. You think that he thinks it brings him hope, and teaches him lessons that he can't get from anywhere else. He tries to apply them as spymaster of the night court.

Plus his reading glasses make him look incredibly sexy so you aren't complaining.

Masterlist

What do we think the hobbies are for the Vanserra bros?

[cb-writes-stuff]

I just had a thought.

What if “Scylla” is from Scylla’s perspective? Think about it. We hear Scylla singing in the beginning, but neither Odysseus nor the rest of the crew reacts. Because she’s watching them, they’re sailing through her lair.

“You know that we are the same.” … “You hide a reason for shame.” She’s observing Odysseus, seeing that he’s the leader, that he knows what’s up, and that he’s willing to make sacrifices.

“Leaving them feeling betrayed, breaking the bonds that you made,” … “There is no price we won’t pay.” She does horrible things to live, snatching men from passing ships and consuming them. “We both know what it takes to survive.” She had to cross lines and learn how to survive, and she recognizes the need for the same in Odysseus.

“We only care for ourselves.” She recognizes that all that matters is their own—for Scylla, that’s herself, and for Odysseus, that’s his family.

Here, the music recedes a bit, and Scylla sings the line differently than the others. She heard Odysseus give the order to light six torches, and what she’s only been assuming thus far is confirmed. “We’re lonely demons from hell.” Until this point, Scylla only sang in one voice, with one head, showing a human-like appearance. But now she sings in several voices with all her heads. She reflects what Odysseus did by giving that order, showing who she is “Deep down”—a monster—and bringing it to the surface.

As indicated by Eurylochus’s line, “Captain. Something approaches,” she starts approaching the ships. Before, no one noticed her; she observed unseen, hence why no one reacted to her singing. She then greets Odysseus almost politely, as one would a peer or an equal. “Hello.”

Odysseus shouts at the crew to “Row for your lives!” Scylla pursues, claiming the sacrifices one by one, as can be heard throughout her verse. She sees that Odysseus is running, failing to completely be the monster that he is. So, while she feasts, she tells him what it means to be a monster, but also gives him advice on how to live as a monster, how to live with himself.

“Drown in your sorrow and fears. Choke on your blood and your tears. Bleed ‘til you’ve run out of years.” Essentially, she’s saying “Go ahead, cry about it.” She says those things rhetorically, presenting them as options neither of them actually have, because “We must do what it takes to survive.” As monsters, they must survive. Giving up is not an option.

“Give up your honor and faith.” She stopped caring about right and wrong. She sees that Odysseus is a soldier with strong moral values, and that he must do the same and abandon those values. “Live out your life as a wraith.” Life is hardly worth living anymore, for her. But she’s come too far to simply let herself die. So she’s become an empty husk of herself, surviving for the sake of it. Odysseus will inevitably need to do the same. “Die in the blood where you bathe.” A reference to her transformation into her current state. The old Scylla died in that moment, leaving only the monster. War is sometimes called a “bloodbath”, and Scylla suggests that Odysseus has already killed so many that his journey could be considered one. He must undergo a similar transformation, letting the old Odysseus die (which he has not completely done yet) and embracing the new monster. She then reinforces the reason for doing these things: “We must do what it takes to survive.”

Finally, she talks to Odysseus directly. “We are the same you and, I.” Odysseus responds, harmonizing at “I”, meaning he can hear her. He can’t bear to admit what he is, since he still hasn’t fully become the monster he declared himself to be, which is why he doesn’t harmonize for the entire line.

I am such a nerd for this musical. Still, I don’t get everything right. Feel free to add anything or correct me in the comments.

[astrangetorpedo]

IN INTERVIEW

Julien Baker, the interview 6/8/2016

At just 20 years old, Julien Baker gave us last year a first album of intense and rare emotional force, the superb Sprained Ankle reviewed here . A moving record that left a deep and lasting mark on me. It was therefore impossible to miss the young American's arrival in Paris and not to take advantage of the opportunity to try to get to know this outstanding artist a little better. A meeting was thus organized thanks to the invaluable help of Sean, her manager, in a café in the 12th arrondissement, two hours before the young lady's very first Parisian concert, on May 24. A one-on-one meeting that revealed to me an adorable and voluble young woman, incredibly touching and sincere, and above all determined to seize life with all her might! A moment of exchange and sharing that I am not ready to forget.

Hello Julien!

Julien Baker : Hello!

First of all, thank you very much for granting us this interview. I am a big fan of your music and it makes me really happy to meet you!

Oh, thank you! It's a great pleasure for me too, you know! I still can't believe that people like my music enough to want to meet me to talk about it. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, really!

Perfect! Let’s start at the beginning of your story. I read that you’ve been making music for a while now. Could you summarize the journey that led you to where you are today?

Yeah, sure! I started listening to music in middle school. It was rock, I was really into it with painted nails, black eye makeup, all that stuff! [laughs] Then I started playing in bands, punk bands mostly. Then I joined Forrister which is the band I still play in today. We were playing shows in cities around our area. Then I went to college and a friend of mine who worked in a studio there offered me to record with him for free. Since my band couldn't be there, I did it solo, without any specific plans. I put the album out on Bandcamp for $2 or $3 a copy.

That's when Sean [Julien's manager] contacted me and suggested we release the album in a more official and professional way. I told him that I was actually in a band, Forrister, and that no one would be interested in me as a solo artist. He insisted and even though I didn't believe it at all, I agreed to give it a try. I'll always remember the day he called me to tell me that NPR [National Public Radio] was going to play my single. I hung up crying and immediately called my mom all excited to tell her the news! But then, as things seemed to start to take off for me, I started to doubt myself. I felt guilty towards the rest of the band, thinking that they would resent me for doing this project without them. So I called the drummer and asked him what they thought and he said they were just proud and super happy and not mad at me in any way. So I kept going and here I am! I never thought I would come to Europe and do all this, it's crazy, really!

During the band's time, did you already have this desire to write your own songs?

I don't think I had any real unfulfilled desire to do this.

But you were writing?

Yes, I wrote my own songs. But not because the band was holding me back or preventing me from doing it within the collective. It's just that sometimes you write songs but they don't fit the moment. So I put those lyrics aside, like that, without any specific goal. I've always written and played in different bands. There was enough space for all that, things didn't have to be done exclusively in one framework or another.

Were your parents musicians?

Not really. Well my dad bought me a guitar and showed me how to play it. So I started playing by practicing at home on my own. I also took piano lessons but for a very short time. My teacher didn't really like me because I didn't work hard enough. I just played by ear without wanting to learn to read music and he didn't like that. So I taught myself. But my parents were big music fans. They played records all the time at home. When I was younger I wanted to go to a concert, my dad would come with me to make sure I was safe! He was the only adult in the middle of all these tattooed and pierced kids! [laughs] Oddly enough it never bothered me. When he made a surprise appearance at the Bowery Ballroom for my concert in New York, I was so proud! He and my mom have always been a great support!

This is really great!

Yes I know !

In addition to being an author and composer, you are also a student. Are you still going to university?

I just finished my semester. It's currently summer vacation. But I think I'm going to take a break in the fall. I completed the theoretical part of my literature course thanks to online courses. The last thing I need to fully validate my teaching diploma is the practical part, in school with students. I tried to do it last fall but it's complicated to carry out both projects at the same time: give lessons during the week then take a plane to California or New York on the weekend to play a concert, before returning to teach on Monday morning! So I'm going to take a break to devote all my time to music.

Do you want to teach one day?

I think I would really enjoy teaching. I love it. As a teenager I was a summer camp counselor, I love children. So yes it would be really cool to teach!

You studied literature. Did that influence your way of writing?

Yes, totally! I try to feed myself as much as I can from all these different ways of perceiving life and emotions that I find in books. It enriches me intellectually speaking. I have the feeling of learning new things about myself each time I discover a new author and this is then reflected in my writing I think, consciously or unconsciously.

Are you familiar with French literature?

Voltaire! I often joke with my professor friends that I would really like to have a big Voltaire and Cervantes tattoo! I already have a Gabriel Garcia Marquez tattoo [Julien then shows me his 2-part tattoo on the inside of his 2 wrists]…

Is he your favorite writer?

One of my favorites, I can't choose just one! And so when my students would complain that Voltaire is an old man who's not cool, I could show them my Voltaire tattoo and prove to them that it's really cool! [laughs] Reading Candide really changed my life. It was incredible! I think the translation of the title is The Optimist , which is quite ironic. Cervantes wrote Don Quixote and we have this word in English, "quixotic" which means optimistic but optimistic to the extreme, to the point where even if everything is going wrong in your life and you know it, you continue to believe in it despite everything. There is a really romantic and admirable dimension to that attitude I find. Same for Candide where there is this quote that I always come back to when I feel really bad and which says: "I wanted to kill myself a hundred times, but I still loved life" . I think I cried when I first read that sentence. Anyway, I could talk about literature for hours, don't drag me down that dangerous path! [laughs]

Haha, ok. So back to the music! Listening to your album I couldn't help but think of two other artists I really like: Sharon Van Etten and TORRES…

I love TORRES!

Me too! I even did my very first interview with her!

Wow! She's amazing!

Do you agree with this comparison even if the artists in question do not come from the same scene as you?

I totally agree with this comparison! As a teenager I only listened to punk and thought that anything that wasn't punk was worthless. Then I grew up as a musician and learned to appreciate all styles. When you really love music, you love an artist as long as their music is honest and good, no matter what the style. It doesn't matter if it's hip hop or country or whatever!

I totally agree!

And so I'm a big fan of TORRES! I loved her first album, the one before Sprinter . The song Honey is the very first one I heard from her.

The same !

And oh my god, what a song! I played with her in Chicago, I was added as the opening act at the very last minute, I felt so honored! On my way to the dressing room, I ran into her and as I was saying "Oh sorry, I don't want to bother you" she said "No, come on, this is a shared space, you have as much right to be here as I do" and she kindly invited me in. As for Sharon, it's funny because the first time I met her, she asked me to have lunch with her, can you imagine having lunch in New York with Sharon Van Etten! And she told me she was also going to invite her friend Mackenzie [Mackenzie Scott aka TORRES]. But our phones died and we couldn't get a hold of her. So in Chicago TORRES couldn't make the connection, I was just the little girl at the door!

Excellent! Are there any other musical influences that you would claim?

Do you know David Banzan?

Nope…

Ok. There's a band called Pedro The Lion and David Bazan is the lead singer. He influenced me quite a bit. And do you know Death Cab For Cutie?

Yes of course !

They were the first non-punk band I listened to. At the time I only listened to loud and fast music, but when I heard Transatlanticism for the first time it was a shock, everything changed. They really meant a lot to me.

Your texts are very strong and very personal. When you wrote them, did you think about the impact they could have on those around you first and then on the general public?

Well, at first, I didn't imagine that this solo album would lead me anywhere, I was convinced that my music would only be made with my band Forrister. So when I released the album on Bandcamp, I really thought that only my friends would listen to it. So I wrote all these songs like that, just for me, without really thinking about the scope of the lyrics. And I'm ultimately happy that I didn't think about it because if I had known what was waiting for me, I think I would have most certainly changed things, I would have probably been more reserved in my words. But if it's difficult for me to show my vulnerability, I realize that it's totally worth it when young people come up to me after concerts to tell me that my music has helped them in difficult times in their lives. It's of course a little embarrassing for me to share such intimate things but if these things make others feel good, then I think it's worth it in the end.

But isn't it a little scary to expose yourself so completely naked and transparent? It's so brave, I don't know if I could do it myself!

Well, you see, it's exactly the same for me, I'm not sure I would have been able to do it if I had known everything in advance! But now that it has happened, I feel that from now on I have the right, the license to be brave. Perhaps it was the plans of destiny or God, something like that.

And isn't it too difficult for you to sing songs every day that inevitably bring you back to painful moments?

I think there are two options. Option one: I can sing these songs every night, let them take me back in time and feel sorry for myself. Option two: there is the quote from this poet that I love who says that all the horrible things in life just need to be seen from a different and courageous perspective. Things that seem bad can indeed turn out to be good in the end. So I have chosen to let the dark and sad aspects of my songs become pretexts to be positive and happy. Because yes, all these things have happened to me but if that had not been the case, I probably would never have written these lyrics and I would not be here today in Paris talking to you, Laurence! In the grand scheme of things, everything has a meaning and works for our good in the end.

That's very beautiful what you say! [laughs] To talk about lighter things, this is your first time in Europe, isn't it?

Yes !

How do you feel?

I love it! I have such a good time. Well I don't sleep much... [laughs]

Is it the time difference or the excitement?

Well now it's the excitement! But a week ago it was also the jet lag [laughs]. Imagine, we traveled for over 30 hours straight to get here! I first took a plane to Richmond and then a train to Washington DC. We then took a flight to Iceland where we took another flight to Copenhagen. Once there we took a train but due to a problem on the tracks we had to take a bus that took us to another train! When we arrived at the hotel, we were totally exhausted! [laughs] It was 11 o'clock in the evening but at that time of year the sun hadn't set because we were so far north and my body didn't understand anything at all! But hey after a good night's sleep everything was better! And now if I don't sleep it's just because I don't want to miss anything, not a single minute you know! I thought I would never be able to afford to travel and once again it seems that Destiny's plans are extraordinarily kind to me. I feel so grateful and lucky!

And that's just the beginning!

I hope so! But you know, even if everything had to stop, well in any case it would have been much, much more than I could have imagined! I am so grateful for everything that is happening to me!

Are there any particular places you want to discover?

Sean has been here before and wants to show me places he liked. Today he took me to see the Sacré-Cœur which is beautiful. On my side, there are also places I would like to visit, especially in Barcelona, ​​because I am majoring in Spanish literature. I would like to go to the café where Picasso had his very first exhibition, long before he was famous. I would also like to see the Sagrada Familia, Gaudi's work, visit a museum, buy a Viva Cataluña t-shirt and eat paella. I am so excited to be able to do all these things!

That's great! But it's going to take you some time to do all of this!

We are staying there for the whole festival [Primavera Sound Festival]. So we should have some time. Of course we won't sleep much because in the evening I also want to attend the concerts!

You'll sleep when you get home!

Exactly! Since I am a big coffee drinker, one of my friends gave me a badge for my jacket that says "I will sleep when I am dead" ! [laughs] There are indeed so many things to experience in one life! [laughs]

And what are your plans for after the European tour?

We're actually going to be touring until the end of the year.

Will you come back to Europe?

We're going to Australia in November I think. I can't wait! We're also going to tour the States so as for Europe I don't really know... And then I hope to have some free time early next year. I'm always writing new songs that I play live. I must have 30 demos on my computer and I'd really like to record them. So it would be great if I could get into the studio early next year!

Last question: do you have one or more musical recommendations to share with us?

Lucy Dacus!

Oh I love it!

We played together in Washington DC. I had never heard her songs before Washington and I remember hearing the lyrics to Map On A Wall which say "I hope good comes from good and good comes from bad anyway" and I started crying all by myself watching her play. Her music is so beautiful, so powerful! And we have so much in common: questions of spirituality, sexuality and faith, questions about gender too and the place of girls in rock music. We are really like two halves of the same person. We have the same booker and were approached by the same label. And when I saw her again in Richmond I knew we operated exactly the same way. So our biggest fear is that we will one day become jaded and arrogant. We want to remain grateful, sincere and enthusiastic. There are so many people who do this for a long time and end up jaded. It's really great to find someone who feels exactly the same way you do, and that's the case with Lucy. We're platonic soulmates! She's a very, very dear friend.

You must tell her at all costs to come and shoot in Europe and in Paris because there are people waiting for her here!

Promise! I'll send her a message as soon as I have wifi!

Lucy Dacus! A perfect choice! Thank you very much Julien!

Thank you! It was great!

photos by jean-marc ferré 📸

interview by lolo from paris (who has great footage of that paris show on his youtube account) 📝

wayback link for the interview 🔗

[the-goldenbunny-diaries]

Mixed Messages

⚢ Pairing - Momo x 10th Member!Reader

✎ Word Count - 2.6k

☆ Genre - Angst/Fluff

♡ Description - You and Momo have been close ever since SIXTEEN, When your company decides to take advantage of your intimate moments with Momo to benefit themselves without your knowledge, things get rocky. (A/N: I haven't had a chance to proofread this in its entirety yet, so please bare with me if there are errors)

★······★

Before you became the 10th member of TWICE, your journey began on the reality show "SIXTEEN." This show was the very platform that brought you closer to the members of TWICE and laid the foundation for the unique bond you shared.

SIXTEEN was a survival reality show that aimed to select the members of a new girl group, which would later become TWICE. You were one of the sixteen contestants vying for a coveted spot in the debut lineup. From the very beginning, it was clear that the competition would be fierce, as each contestant possessed their own unique talents and charm.

During the grueling weeks of training and competition on the show, you had the opportunity to get to know Jihyo, Mina, and the other members of TWICE on a personal level. You practiced together, shared meals, and offered each other support during the tough times. It was through these shared experiences that your bonds began to form.

Jihyo's unwavering determination and leadership qualities made her a source of inspiration for all of you. Mina's quiet elegance and grace captivated everyone, and she had a calming presence that helped ease your nerves. These initial interactions allowed you to see them not just as idols, but as individuals with their own dreams and aspirations.

However, it was with Momo that you formed an especially close connection during the show. You discovered a shared passion for dance and spent countless hours perfecting your moves together. Your late-night practice sessions turned into heartfelt conversations, and your friendship deepened with each passing day. Momo's infectious energy and warm personality made it easy for anyone to get close to her.

As the competition progressed, you all faced eliminations, and the pressure intensified. Bonds were forged and tested, and you relied on each other for emotional support. You remember Mina being a calming presence, Jihyo motivating all of you with her words, and Momo always ready with a comforting smile.

In the end, only a select few of you made it to the final lineup, and you were not among them. It was a bittersweet moment when you left the show, knowing that you wouldn't be a part of TWICE's official debut. But little did you know that fate had a different plan in store for you.

Shortly after the conclusion of the show, you received an unexpected call from Park Jinyoung, Mr. JYP himself. He had been impressed with your performance on the show and saw the potential for you to contribute to TWICE's success. Thus, you were brought in as the 10th member.

Eight years into your career with Twice, your management company saw an opportunity to capitalize on the natural connection between you and Momo, the connection fans had seen ever since SIXTEEN back in 2015. They believed that fan service between the two of you could add an extra layer of excitement and intrigue for ONCE. While Momo and Jihyo were fully informed about the scripted nature of these interactions, you were kept in the dark, leading you to believe that Momo’s gestures were driven by a genuine romantic interest.

As time went by, you found yourself caught up in a whirlwind of emotions. Momo's lingering glances, soft touches, and playful banter seemed to speak a language of their own, one that resonated deep within your heart. Her actions seemed to echo the unspoken feelings you had begun to harbor for her.

★······★

The electric atmosphere of the music show's stage pulsed with energy as you and Momo settled into your seats, ready to share a recent highlight from TWICE's journey. The host's introduction sent waves of anticipation through the audience, and the spotlight turned to you both.

"Hello, everyone! We've got a fantastic treat for you today with our special guests—the dynamic duo from TWICE, Momo and Y/N!" The host's excitement was palpable, matched only by the cheers from the eager crowd.

As the host turned to you, a smile graced your lips. This was your chance to talk about a moment that was fresh in your memory—the most recent concert that had brought you and Momo even closer together.

"So, you've just wrapped up a series of incredible concerts in the US, haven't you?" the host asked, his gaze switching between you and Momo.

"That's right," Momo replied with a grin. "Our recent concerts in the States were an absolute blast. The energy from our ONCE was electrifying, and we were able to share some truly unforgettable moments."

The host leaned in, curiosity evident in his expression. "Could you give us a glimpse of one of those moments? Something that stood out to both of you?"

You exchanged a knowing glance with Momo, a shared memory already forming between you. "Well," you began, your voice filled with enthusiasm, "For our final concert, all of the members prepared special stages. Momo and I had been planning a special duet for a while, so we decided we should show it at the concert."

Momo's eyes sparkled as she shifted her chair slightly closer to yours and grasped your hand, taking you a bit by surprise. "Yes, that duet was really something. The crowd was completely invested, and the energy was through the roof. We were dancing side by side, and there was this moment where our choreography synced perfectly." 

The host leaned in, intrigued by both the story and the surprise piece of skinship. "Synced choreography? That sounds amazing!"

"It was," you continued, a subtle blush spreading across your face. "And in that moment, it felt like time slowed down. Momo and I locked eyes, and there was this unspoken connection between us. The fans were cheering, the lights were flashing, and it was as if we were in our own little world." You couldn’t help but smile as you pictured the moment again in your head. 

Momo nodded, her smile softening. "Exactly. The best part was that it wasn't just about the performance itself—it was about the shared experience, the bond we have as friends and as members of TWICE."

★······★

With your heart still fluttering from your latest interaction with Momo, you found yourself grappling with a question that had been lingering in your mind. Wanting to seek guidance, you decided to confide in Jihyo, who was not only your fellow member but also a close friend of yours

You found her sitting alone in her room at your shared dorms, and the words spilled out before you could second-guess yourself. "Jihyo, can I ask you something?" you began, your voice tentative.

Jihyo turned to you with a warm smile. "Of course, what's on your mind?"

You took a deep breath, your gaze drifting towards the ground for a moment before you met her eyes again. "It's about Momo," you admitted, your voice softer now.

Jihyo's expression shifted slightly, a hint of curiosity in her eyes. "Momo? What about her?"

You paused for a moment, thinking about the best way to ask her. "I've been feeling... something between me and Momo. But I can't help but wonder, do you think she really likes me?"

Jihyo's eyes met yours, her expression thoughtful, and for a moment, you sensed a flicker of uncertainty in her gaze. Her lips parted as if she was about to speak, but then she hesitated. The silence hung between you, a palpable tension that you couldn't ignore.

Finally, Jihyo let out a sigh, her voice a mixture of honesty and reluctance. "I think Momo cares about you a lot," she began, choosing her words carefully. "But feelings can be complex, and sometimes, what we see isn't always the whole picture."

Your heart sank at her response, uncertainty gnawing at the edges of your thoughts. Jihyo's words left you more conflicted than before, as if the truth was both tantalizingly close and just out of reach. The conversation ended on a note of ambiguity. You thanked her before walking away, leaving you with a sense of unease that refused to be shaken off. 

Little did you know, the reason for Jihyo's hesitance went beyond what she could openly reveal. She was aware of the scripted interactions, the orchestrated gestures that had given life to a romantic facade. But it wasn't her place to shatter the illusion, and so, she found herself treading carefully around a truth that was known to her alone.

★······★

Then, one day, as fate would have it, in a quiet corner of the practice room, you stumbled upon a moment that shattered the delicate facade you had built. Momo's phone was briefly unattended, and a curious impulse prompted you to take a peek. What you discovered within her digital world was a revelation that rocked you to your core.

In her phone were meticulously crafted notes, detailing every interaction you had shared, every glance, every touch, and every word exchanged. As you read through these entries, your heart sank as the truth became evident: the romantic moments you thought were genuine were nothing more than carefully orchestrated performances, following a script that only Momo was privy to. 

The moment of truth arrived with a mixture of dread and curiosity. You had managed to keep your discovery to yourself, unsure of how to approach Momo about it. But as the weight of the secret became too heavy to bear, you found the courage to broach the subject. 

You took a deep breath as Momo walked into the practice room and looked directly into her eyes. "Momo," you began, your voice a mixture of uncertainty and vulnerability, "Is this what I think it is? Were all of our interactions, everything we did together, scripted?"

Momo's gaze held yours, and her expression was a complex mix of remorse and understanding. She nodded slowly, her voice gentle as she responded, "Yes, it's true. The interactions between us, they were scripted for fan-service. The management thought it would be a good idea to create that illusion to appeal to ONCE."

Your heart felt like it was in your throat, the reality of the situation sinking in deeper. "So, all those moments, the glances, the laughter... they weren't real?"

Momo's expression softened, and she reached out to gently touch your arm. "The feelings behind them were real," she admitted, her voice sincere. "The bond we share, the friendship we've built, those are genuine. But the specific moments we were encouraged to showcase, those were planned."

A whirlwind of emotions swirled within you—a sense of loss, confusion, and the lingering question of where to go from here. "And the notes?" you pressed, your voice quivering slightly. "You have details for all of our interactions, even ones that haven’t happened yet?"

Momo's gaze dropped briefly, her fingers fidgeting with the edge of her phone. When she looked back at you, there was a raw honesty in her eyes. "Yes," she confessed softly. "I had to keep track of everything for the fan-service plan. The past interactions we shared, as well as the future interactions the company had planned."

The weight of the truth settled heavily upon you, and for a moment, the room felt stifling. It was as if the world you had come to know had been turned upside down, revealing a new layer of complexity beneath the surface. But as you looked at Momo, the vulnerability in her expression spoke volumes—a silent admission that while the circumstances may have been manufactured, the emotions that had blossomed between you were as real as ever.

As the weight of the truth settled upon you, a tumult of emotions stirred within your chest. Disappointment mingled with a bittersweet understanding, and the sense of vulnerability you shared with Momo made the moment even more profound. But amidst the confusion and the pain of realizing that certain moments were scripted, you couldn't deny the warmth that still lingered between you two.

When your eyes met Momo's, you could see the genuine remorse and sincerity in her gaze. The silence that hung between you was broken by her soft voice. "I know I messed up," she began, her voice wavering with a mixture of regret and hope. "But please, can you find it in your heart to give me a second chance?"

Your heart wavered as you gazed into her eyes, searching for the truth in her words. Momo's vulnerability was palpable, and you could see the pain she felt for not being completely forthcoming with you. Despite the scripted interactions, you couldn't deny the genuine connection that had grown between you.

Taking a moment to gather your thoughts, you spoke with a mix of caution and sincerity. "Momo, this is a lot to process," you admitted, your voice soft but steady. "I appreciate your honesty now, but I need time to understand my own feelings."

Momo nodded, her gaze never leaving yours. "I understand," she said, her voice filled with understanding. "I'm willing to wait, to give you the time you need. But please know that my feelings for you have always been real."

Days turned into weeks, and amidst the quiet contemplation, you found your thoughts repeatedly returning to Momo. Despite the scripted fan-service, the bond you had formed was unbreakable. You remembered the genuine laughter, the shared dreams, and the way she had been there for you through both triumphs and challenges. It was clear that the emotions you felt for her were just as real as any script could ever dictate.

On a warm August evening, as the two of you found yourselves sharing a quiet moment in the practice room, you looked at Momo, your heart speaking more clearly than ever before. "Momo," you began, your voice filled with a mixture of vulnerability and determination, "I've thought about this a lot, and I've come to realize that what we have is too special to let go."

Momo's eyes widened with hope, her breath catching in anticipation of your next words.

You took a deep breath, your gaze unwavering as you continued, "I want to give us a chance, a real chance, beyond scripts and fan-service. I want to be with you, Momo, not as a performance, but as a partner."

Tears welled up in Momo's eyes, her lips curving into a radiant smile. "Yes," she whispered, her voice filled with emotion. "I've been waiting for this, for us."

In that moment, you closed the distance between you, your heart racing as you cupped her face gently with your hand. With the sincerity of your emotions guiding you, you leaned in, your lips meeting Momo's in a soft and tender kiss.

Time seemed to stand still as your lips brushed against hers—a moment of truth, vulnerability, and shared affection. The scripted interactions may have brought you together, but it was the undeniable chemistry and the depth of your feelings that made this kiss feel like the most genuine moment of all.

As you pulled away, the world around you felt hushed, the energy of your connection palpable. Momo's eyes fluttered open, her gaze locked onto yours with an intensity that mirrored your own.

"This is real, isn't it?" she whispered, her voice tinged with awe.

You smiled gently, your heart full of warmth. "Absolutely real," you affirmed, your voice steady and sincere.

And as you held each other in a quiet embrace, you both knew that this was the beginning of a new chapter—a chapter defined by the authenticity of your emotions, the depth of your connection, and the unwavering truth of your hearts. The scripted interactions had led you here, but it was your shared journey that would guide you forward, hand in hand, into a love story that was truly your own.

[madbard]

“I can take the suffering from you…”

The end of Thunder Bringer is… emotional, to say the least. We get reprises of lyrics and melodies from The Horse and the Infant and Just A Man, taking us back to the very beginning of Odysseus’ journey as he prepares to make his most ruthless decision yet. Among these reprises, however, is one that stands out, seeming almost to float above the others. This is the reprise of Suffering, sung in Penelope’s voice. It’s not from the beginning of the musical, and it does not seem directly related to Odysseus’ current situation. So why include it here, in a song about Odysseus choosing to sacrifice his crew?

Earlier in the Thunder Saga, Odysseus brutally murdered the siren who disguised herself as Penelope in an attempt to lure him to a watery grave. She and her brethren were the first foes he deliberately killed on his journey, paving the way for greater and greater bloodshed. So this reprise can be solidly interpreted as the voice of Odysseus’ first direct victim, harmonizing eerily with the voices of the men he is about to kill and lending a sense of continuity to his acts of violence.

Looking at it again, though, I remembered Eurylochus’ discussion of suffering in Mutiny. I remembered the state of sheer pain, hunger and exhaustion the men are in at this point in the musical. The sirens lured their victims with the promise of ending their suffering (through death, but I mean, that’s a technicality). Here, Odysseus almost mirrors the sirens’ offer. Eurylochus asked how much longer he must suffer. Like the sirens, Odysseus can make their suffering end. Like the sirens, he has ulterior motives. But unlike the sirens, he actually succeeds. Thus, this reprise can be interpreted as a demonstration of just how much of a monster Odysseus has become - like a siren, he has chosen to end the lives of everyone aboard that ship.

The final interpretation, though, is probably my favorite, and the one that affects me the most. The first act of Epic is told from Odysseus’ perspective; we only hear what he hears. Here then, it stands to reason that in the moments before committing his most ruthless act of violence, Odysseus hears his wife’s voice. His reason for living, for struggling so desperately homeward. In this, possibly his darkest moment, he hears her voice, promising the end to his suffering if he can just return home, and return to her arms. It is this hope, this promise, that allows him to sacrifice his crew.

“I have to see her.”

“But we’ll die.”

“… I know.”

[arcane-abomination]

I recommend reading my blog on Void Magick before this one. As it explains the basics of Void that will not be covered here. This may cause some readers to be a little lost.

Leviathan’s Guidance

This information on the void was presented to me when I descended into a deep gnosis to make contact with lord Leviathan. He taught me the construction of the void and helped me to understand its makeup a little better. This seemed to be the missing piece I’ve heard many people talk about when traversing the void. And while it still holds truth that the void’s appearance is reflected in the individuals own perspective, it’s still important to understand the general structure of this vastly mysterious space.

I have taken the liberty to attribute my own terminology to each part that was shown to me in an attempt to bring further understanding and much easier categorization to the plains themselves, but you’re free to disregard these terms if they don’t suit you. In all there are 3, categorized by the upper, middle and lower spaces represented by the colors White, Grey, and Black. Now, please take note that these colors are rather arbitrary in the long run as each level presents itself uniquely to the individual. These are simply the product of my own journey, what appeared to me and thus how I label and associate the structure of the void that I experienced.

The Atherial Plain

We begin in the upper level I call the Atherial plain. Aptly named because it’s associated with the color white. While in this plain it appeared to me as though I was walking in the sky. It was bright, with clouds beneath me and around me. And all manner of things hung in the air, moving and shining without constitution or purpose. At least none that I could see. Stars, planets, comets, orbs, and a multitude of other items and creatures to unique to accurately convey in words, shimmering and shifting endlessly. There was no rest here, no silence. There was noise, endless whispers in the wind, music in the distance, and the random bustle of the many object’s collisions with one another. It was beautiful but intense. An energy compelling me to take action, not to wait or calculate. Just simply do without thought or meaning. This is the realm of everything and all things. Of motion, sound & fullness.

The Abyssal Plain

Or next stop is the lowest level, I call the Abyssal plain. You descend downwards into this place, into the vastness of an empty space. The association here is the color black, and all manner of silence, quiet contemplation, and letting go completely hang in the air. Energy here compells you to empt yourself of all things, and simply wait. All around me was blackness, a deep black that went beyond the understanding of simple darkness. Beneath my feet was an ink-colored ocean. Still, and calm, but full of power and strength laying in wait. It was from this ocean that lord Leviathan arose and greeted me, teaching me of the void’s structure. You see, like most people, it was this realm I came to first, like most people do. In fact it was the only real I had ever come to, until my work with Leviathan began.

It seems most of us who work with the void descend down into the abyss and the reason for this is simple. As mortal beings our subconscious has been taught that when we go up we come down. Gravity is always pulling at us. So, when we enter into the void, we can unconsciously descend, especially when we are overwhelmed with the intensity the void can bring. Once inside that comfortable place of familiarity it can be hard to ascend, especially since naturally speaking, falling down is easier than climbing up.

All in all, the energy of this realm beckoned me to listen, to wait, and patiently calculate my next move. It’s a plain completely opposite of its upper Aetherial counterpart. A realm of Stillness, Silence, and emptiness.

The Echo Plain

This was the final plain I visited, named the Echo plain, represented as the color Grey. It’s a special plain, a space full of liminal energy from the overlapping of the upper and lower plains. It was the most intense of the three, resembling a foggy wasteland with the faint light of the Atherial floating high above and the deep darkness of the abyss far below. The ground was as reflective as a mirror yet as clear as a window, that rippled like water wherever I took step. It was a confusing place, a space at which energy contradicted itself. It wanted me in motion and stillness, silent and loud, empty and full all at once. I felt like I was being pulled apart and smooshed together at the same time. It was confusing and overwhelming, but then…in a single moment, all the pieces fell into place.

Before me stood a group of creatures. Both beautiful and hideous all at once. I understood almost immediately what they were. Epithets…epithets of myself. Bits and pieces of who I was represented before me in kind. Some smiled warmly, some grimaced, and others showed no emotions at all. We did not speak to one another…we didn’t need to. But it was from that brief acknowledgment that I understood. This was the realm of reflection. A space where the conscious and subconscious became one, echos of one being existing in symbolic detachment from itself. None of us looked the same and yet we were. All knowing and understanding yet complete strangers to each other.

This is the space of contemplation and action. A realm in which one could truly reach into themselves and strengthen, build, heal, and empower in every way imaginable. A space not many seemed to know existed. Ascending and descending past it in their journeys through the void. It’s a testament to our need to learn quickly, and our unfocused and often misplaced goals. Sometimes we need to stop and look inward, to truly meet ourselves head on.

In Conclusion

The void is a wonderfully powerful and mysterious place. How these realms look to you and what you feel will ultimately be tied to your own perspective. How one sees the void isn’t always how another does. The lower realm may appear white to some instead of black. What makes it the abyss is not its color but it’s emptiness. How one acknowledges and uses that emptiness is always going to be unique to them.

[ambitionsource]

If magical madness, character development, and quirky questing is the game, then Arcana & Ambitions is the name. Welcome to a new fantastical alternate universe inspired by Dungeons & Dragons, where our favorite ensemble cast is preparing to face challenges -- and capers -- unlike anything they've confronted before. This story world has everything: hard-fought found family, themes and motifs, Charlie-centric religious allegory (I'm not saying he's A&A's Jesus / Moses / etc., but... I'm not not saying that?), tragic nuanced but hopeful RL backstory, magic as a metaphor for queer identity...

Also, Mr. Puff is a 12-foot tall dragon. Did I mention that part?

So much lore to unravel, epic legends to share... and this is just the beginning. Prepare your satchel and grab your lute, friends and vagabonds alike, because the adventure starts now. Welcome to the world of A&A, created for Meg as part of AMBITION Secret Snowflake 2024.

.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.

CREATOR NOTE: Happiest new year, Meg! So... um... here's the thing. As you know, I have been all over the place these past few months. Life crazy, brain melty. So I told myself upfront I wasn't going to write something this year. But then, after a helpful and very fun brainstorm conversation with Lena (@dunsbar I owe you several life debts), I got this idea. I figured I'd make some notes, make these little trading cards, boom done. Cute idea, incorporates the blorbos and their complex dynamics (platonic, romantic, and otherwise), features fantasy and D&D which you love, so slam dunk. Only then... I got inspired. And then I got very inspired. And suddenly I had buckets worth of lore and several campaign ideas and a whole overarching plot for the entire "series" of A&A and there was just absolutely zero way for me to comprehensively complete all of that in, you know, a month or so. To say I overwhelmed myself would be an understatement.But this AU was also always intended to be a living document of sorts, in the spirit of D&D, where we could grow and play in the narrative together. So despite the fact that my proofs aren't completed and I've written like 5K words of scraps here and there nowhere near a coherent reading experience (though rest assured, I will share them with you), please accept this gift as a long-term investment. This is a promise, from me to you, that I will continue to sketch out this story world and play in the story sandbox with you -- and the rest of AAAGC, of course -- for many moons to come. This is my destiny, and hopefully yours, if you'll join me as a recruit. Thank you for opening your heart to the world of AMBITION, to my silly, story-weaving (sometimes out of control) brain, and gracing me with your friendship. Here is to many more campaigns to come. 💜🐉 Love, Maggie (And maybe someday I'll finally learn how to actually DM. This is a good starting point, right? AMBITION truly solves everything).

.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.

Like any good D&D-type universe, there will be several quests to embark upon, but every journey has to start somewhere. For A&A, that's OBLIVION.

(And of course, there's music. Follow the playlist on Spotify!)

Synopsis and general description proceeds under the cut.

In this whirlwind first campaign, we follow Charlemagne "Charlie" Gardner, a human from the humble, pious fishing town of Haverfort. He'll be quick to tell you he's a very normal guy, fully content to live out the rest of his days as a quiet monk in the order of Charles Magnes studying the ancient texts. At least, that was the plan, until one little detail derails everything -- he has sorcerer blood in his veins, and thus magic at his fingertips, which chooses to present itself at the most inopportune time. In a community where use of magic is seen as sinful and strictly frowned upon, Charlie finds himself exiled before he can blink, even despite his insistence that he has no intent to use this new power. As far as he's concerned, it doesn't exist.

Charlie can problem solve though, so he crafts a new plan as his ostracism begins. He'll travel across the continent of Yew Nork in search of his older sister, Bridgit, who mysteriously also disappeared from home around her 20th orbit. If he can find her and bring her home, he figures, maybe they'll both be allowed to rejoin their town. Only one problem: the world out there beyond Haverfort is big, and full of curiosities and dangers Charlie has never even thought of facing before.

Not to mention it's lonely wandering on your own. Very, very lonely.

Lucky for him, it won't be long before he encounters new recruits to join his campaign. First there's Schippy, the seemingly average wild mutt-like critter whom Charlie elects to share some food with and immediately earns his devotion in response. Then he meets Dylan Orlando, a lively half-elf bard from Green Witch Village who is happy to partake in a little adventure (and more than eager to make a new friend). A trip through the vast canopy of the Brook Lynne Forest introduces Asher, a (reluctant) young tiefling druid who perpetually wears a pair of goggles he tinkered together himself, who only agrees to go along with them to Grand Central East marketplace to run an errand for his pixie friend, Jade Green. Once that's done, they'll go their separate ways again...

But things are only about to get wilder, with several compilations arising once they get to market. For one, Charlie's powers keep acting up the more he tries to suppress them, basically giving himself shock therapy on accident; Asher doesn't seem much better about his own tiefling abilities, which he's so scared of he also avoids using his druid powers (like being able to turn into a phoenix -- Bird Bones -- which is pretty damn cool if he'd actually use it). They're being tailed by this shadowy figure apparently known as Snapback, who seems intent to murder Charlie once he's done having a little fun with him (which hex knows why, but perhaps the ghostly shade woman who helps them out of a sticky situation in Tekkie Hollow can shed some light despite being surrounded by the darkness...)

There's the fact that Charlie has been having strange dreams, corresponding with a beautiful (who said that), bold figure compelling him to embrace his abilities who, oh yeah, apparently turns out to be a patron deity, AKA a literal god. Or what about the looming threat of Hell's Cauldron in the distant west, where the daemons of the dark world lurk and are certainly putting their mischievous fingers on the scale in what started as a small hike for a reunion that has now spiraled into a matter of gods and gravity far beyond Charlie's comprehension? Don't forget the worried whispers of The Oblivion, a monstrous force that has been terrorizing the continent in the west for well over a year and leaves utter ruin in its wake?

But like any epic saga with themes and motifs, the truth is never as simple as it seems... and we're about to start peeling back the layers in Ambition & Arcana Part 1: OBLIVION.

[lawstudentreads]

23.08.2024 | Friday

I meant to begin my journey into thesis researching earlier in the week, but as expected, the transition from summer vacation to work mindset hasn't been the easiest.

With that being said, I met with my supervisor last month to better determine my thesis research topic, plus some guidelines on how to start. It was a very helpful meeting, and thus today I began researching the aspects we mentioned. Next up I will have to look into case-law, which is probably my favorite part of law research.

I ended up deciding to do research on copyright duration, so that's what I shall focus on for the next months as I go through this journey. I'm feeling some insecurities on whether I'll be able to write a good master thesis, but I'm excited to be able to explore Copyright Law on a deeper level with this--it's my favorite kind of law.

Featured in the photos are the music that kept me company during my work session, as well as my current read, Malice by John Gwynne. I'm still only 84 pages into it, which isn't a lot for a 600+ page book, but I’m enjoying my time with it. Adult Fantasy is truly something else.