#and this time it is chronic fear that I shouldn’t be getting married LOL

[engafordoma]

If one more person asks me if I’m excited for my wedding I think I’m going to scream

[jessi-31days-blog]

Day 7, Saturday, October 7th

I wake up at an astounding 1pm. 

I went to bed at 2am at the latest last night, and I have no idea what compelled my body to sleep for 11 hours. Maybe it’s because I only got 6 hours yesterday and went on that long walk? I don’t know. The DoYogaWithMe program I’m doing has day 7 as a rest day, so it has no yoga or guided meditation for day 7. I still wanted to do a quick yoga video off youtube, but I’ll happily use this excuse to not do a guided meditation today. Don’t judge me, meditation is really hard for me and I want a break lol.

Yoga Class - “Energizing Morning Yoga Routine for Busy Days” by Caren Baginski on Youtube - 9 mins:

This was a pretty short video, as you can tell. But it definitely woke me up and prepared my brain for the day. I felt a bit better afterwards.

Guided Meditation

Read a Proverb - Proverbs 7:

Look, I read it, but I honestly don’t feel like I’m the target audience for this particular chapter of Proverbs. I mean it’s about cherishing wisdom, which is great, but it’s main focus is being wise to avoid adultery. Also, I’d like to look more into certain other topics mentioned in this chapter before I decide what I believe I can learn here, so I’m going to skip this one for today. 

Blog Post - TheMighty.com - “Why Mental Illness Makes Me Not Want To Have Kids” by Angela Theresa:

The pressure on me from [redacted family member name] to have children is pretty heavy. It’s almost assumed that I will have children one day. If I gave the reason why this person wants me to have children, it may reveal who it is to the people in my life who know me, so I’ll keep this to myself. However, I don’t know if I want children or if I could even handle having children because of my mental health problems. Reading this article helped me understand a little better why I may end up choosing to not have children (or at least not biological ones) in my life. I’m going to do things differently today. I’m going to do a bit of a commentary on this blog, paragraph by paragraph, though I may skip a thing or two. So here goes.

“I do not want children — not right now at least.

I’m 22, I’m trying to build a writing and editing career, I want to travel and find love, and so much more. But I just do not want kids now.

Warning – personal opinion feminist tangent: No matter her rationale, a woman not wanting children should be entirely her choice and no one should ever question her reasons.” I’m a bit older than this woman. I’m 25. We have similar desires, though writing is more of a hobby to me and I’m pursuing a medical assistant career. I definitely agree with her opinion on a woman’s choice to not have children. The pressure society puts on young married couples to have children is unreal. It’s almost considered outlandish when a couple doesn’t want children. This expectation is pressuring people who don’t want to (or better yet, shouldn’t) breed into breeding, as to satisfy the societal norms. “As for mine: I’m not a natural nurturer, I don’t particularly like most children, the world is a cruel place to bring a child into, I like my sleep, I want to be location independent.” This is pretty much how I feel as well, aside from the idea that the world is too cruel to bring a child into. The world is cruel, but her wording makes it sound like people who do want kids like cruel people for making that choice. Other than that, I’m also not very nurturing, I LOVE sleep, and I’d like some of my own kind of independence as well. “Though my reasons are varied and multiple, I’ve come to realize that, above all else, what most inhibits me from planning children is my multiple mental illness diagnoses. I believe children and forming a family are a neurotypical privilege that, though not impossible, can be made all the more difficult by having mental health issues. I could pass on my mental illnesses to them. I will never have a biological child. I could not, in good consciousness, ever pass on the mental health hell that is my genetic makeup. Knowing that I could be condemning a child to a life where he or she would have to fight every day like I do, sometimes just to stay alive, is something that I could not bear. I know I am strong and a survivor, but there are other ways to become a badass like me. I would not wish neurodivergence on anyone.” As someone who is bisexual, the prospect of having a child has many different paths it could go, should I ever choose to be a parent. If I end up marrying a woman, and she is completely free of mental illness and has no history of it in her family, then if we want children, she can be the one to carry the child. If she also has a mental illness or does not want to experience pregnancy, we can adopt. If I marry a man, if he is completely free of mental illness, then we can either play the genetic lottery and hope our child doesn’t get my mental genetics, or we can adopt (especially if he too has mental health issues). But at the end of the day, I could not live with knowing I brought a child into this world against their will and exposed them to my mental health genetics. Like Angela here says, I also would not wish neurodivergence on anyone. “My child would have a mentally ill parent.

Even if my child somehow won the genetic lottery and did not end up with any of my mental illnesses, they would have to grow up with a mentally ill parent. I know if I had a child, I would try to always to be the best mother I could possibly be. However, no matter how much help I get or how stable I am, there will always be days where my moods fluctuate, days where I cannot get out of bed, days where I unravel.

I applaud the mothers with mental illnesses who get up every day and raise their children, but I know it’s not an environment I would be prepared to raise a child in. I have a hard enough time taking care of myself and I would not have the space or the energy left over to take care of another human being.

My brain is too unpredictable for a child.

I am too unstable for a child.” I have had periods of time where I was stable, only for one day everything just crashes for me. I feel the same way Angela does. I can try my best to maintain stability for my child, but I’m not sure I could truly give them everything they need. I’m also afraid that my tendency towards anger would make me yell at my child or be unreasonably angry at them. I know I’d never abuse my child physically, but I’ve had moments where my family or friends have done something to piss me off and I responded with way more anger than a normal person would. I just don’t trust myself to keep my cool. My brain, as Angela says about hers, is too unpredictable and unstable for a child. “I have chronic exhaustion.

Many mental illnesses come with the side effect/symptom of chronic exhaustion. I am always tired and I need constant rest. From what I hear about parenthood, there are many sleepless nights and constant early mornings. Adding a baby to preexisting chronic exhaustion probably wouldn’t end well.

At the very least, with all my quirks and stories to tell, I will be a fantastic aunt.” This is the end of the article, and this describes me as well. I have this symptom. I need my 9 hours most days, and some days I randomly need 12. Parenting would be too exhausting for me, and I feel like I would lose it. I can’t expose my child to that. I can’t really be an aunt, as I am a single child, but I can definitely be a cat mom. My parents may have to settle for a grandcat. But who knows.

Encouraging someone on Reddit - r/anxiety:

Okay, before I continue, I would just like it to be known that I’m probably going to piss some people off here. I really was going to try and avoid addressing anything political in this blog series, but this one was too important to leave out. This topic is particularly spicy considering that this is Tumblr I am posting to, of all places. So, I really am sorry if I piss you off. That being said, here’s who I encouraged today: Someone, who identifies himself as a straight man, said he was diagnosed with GAD and that his anxiety attacks only last about 30 mins, except for today. He was expressing his dislike for an answer to a question that is popular in today’s social political discourse: “Would you date or have sex with a transgender person?” This poor guy was beating himself up for his answer being no, because he felt that made him transphobic (even though he also explicitly stated that he is for trans rights). He expressed feeling severe anxiety over the fear of what people would think of him for feeling this way. He knows he’s a respectful guy who values human rights, but he’s seen the majority of people in his life (and I wouldn’t be shocked if he heard this on youtube), when presented with the same question, have answered that it’s transphobic if you don’t date or have sex with someone who is transgender. He mentions being very insecure and wants people to like him. Then, he asks what other redditors think and how they would answer the question. This is what I said: “You're not transphobic for this, and you are in no way morally obligated to date or have sex with ANYONE who is outside of your personal preferences in a partner. Don't let LGBT youtube tell you how to feel about your personal sense of attraction.

I'm a bisexual woman. What would I do if my potential partner was trans? I wouldn't care. Woman with a penis, man with a pussy, woman with a surgically created pussy, man with a surgically created dick; none of that matters to me. But that's *my* preferences.

But that doesn't make me morally superior to you in any way. Some people don't like blondes. Some people don't want to date someone who has a mental illness. Some people look for a partner with large breasts, or with/without tattoos, or someone with a lot of freckles. Some people won't date people who aren't fans of their favorite sports team, some people won't date republicans, some people won't date atheists. But we don't call people with these preferences bigoted. Yet suddenly you say you don't want to have sex with anyone from the transgender population, who in the United States alone only make up 0.6% of the population according to The Williams Institute in 2016, and now you're transphobic even though you support their rights and humanity? That's such an insane claim to make about someone. You are not a bad person, and don't let idiots or your anxiety tell you otherwise.”

Another yoga class - “Yoga To Get The Juices Flowing” by Yoga With Adriene on Youtube - 8 mins:

So my exercise for the day is kind of cheating, since it’s only a simple 8 minute yoga class, but it’s better than nothing lol. It felt good to get a bit of blood flow throughout my body and hopefully my brain. End of Day Notes: I felt better emotionally today than I did yesterday. My mood wasn’t too low, which is great. Hopefully this means I’m making improvements to my brain’s health. Only time will tell.