#and this art was never shared properly for which I deeply apologise to the author of the fic

[artgroves]

young Joyce and Jim Hopper for what a lucky man he was by @nnocres

for @strangerthingsreversebigbang

[breath4soul]

An Apology and A Confession

This post is my confession and apology for anyone that cares to listen.

I was angry and bewildered and more than a little defeated in the wake of S4 of Sherlock. I wrote a couple posts expressing my frustration. Nothing terribly acrid, but I did that (frankly childish) thing of thinking it was all about me or ‘us’ as an audience so those posts had a tone of accusation towards the show’s creators for what I saw as them ‘wasting an opportunity,’ ‘failing’ and ‘betraying’ us.

Hurt people hurt people. I am sorry for that.

This past week I have looked around and seen a community turning on itself; people attacking each other, emotionally kicking others when the other person is already clearly broken, hurting and bleeding on the floor… We were appalled by John’s actions when he beat the obviously emotionally out of control Sherlock in the morgue but how true a reflection is that of what I saw happening around me - people with old, unhealed wounds lashing out in violent, hurtful ways. Pain begetting deeper pain.

Hurt people hurt people.

I took a good look in the mirror and realized that is not who I want to be.

Arguing with reality never accomplishes anything.

Long before John said it in S4 I had the habit of telling myself, “It is what it is” when it came to the things I cannot change nor control and the second half of that saying has always been for me, “I can only control how I react to it.”

So this is me walking away from that hurt and anger and embracing the person I want to be - getting back to why I came to this community.

In 2015 my world shattered. I lost ‘my person’. It came on the heels of two other people I cared deeply about dying, which I had never let myself properly grieve, and so my world was thrown into darkness and I was deeply alone. All my wounds and scars were on the inside and no one could see I was shutting down, going dark, slowly dying. I was numb and I couldn’t even begin to connect and work through all that pain. My natural inclination with emotional pain has always been to soldier on, to shut down all feeling and do what needs to be done for the sake of others; survive now and grieve/panic/breakdown later - then running so hard towards the next thing that later never comes. But this time, set adrift and severely and irreparably wounded, my demons had waited long enough. I couldn’t outrun it anymore; it was too big this time, if I closed down I knew I was not going to come back.

That’s when I found Sherlock and the emotional subtext hit me upside the head. It actually felt like a physical blow to the chest, that restarted my heart - I fell in love (more truthfully, deep empathy) with the chatacters - their story; their strengths and weaknesses, and their dynamics… and how they reflected my own truths.

I hadn’t written for personal pleasure in years prior to that. I really had choked off most forms of expression in an effort to keep myself under tight control and appear strong. But I started writing Johnlock because I could feel a little something when I did write. A little joy, love, hope, sadness, passion, rage, pain, grief, frustration, fear, etc. in small doses I could control and manage - then resolve. It got those things out of my head where they were insurmountable. It kept me alive and human when it would be easier to shut down.

I shared my works because I hoped it would connect and take others on a journey as well. I found that when people responded - when they connected and shared their observations - it challenged me, gave me a better perspective, and helped me continue to evolve.

I described my writing process to a co-author as taking a lantern and following these characters into a dark forest. I can’t see the path, only what’s immediately revealed in front of me. I don’t always know what I am looking for, what I might find, or where I’ll end up... but it is always a revelation. John and Sherlock have given me the courage and the way to run into that darkness - that frightening tangle of emotions I would prefer to keep locked down - and then find my way out through them. That is a complete credit to the beautiful work of art developed by the show’s creators in those first 3 seasons.

As an artist, I should have had more empathy for the creators - a bit better perspective on this. Creating art is an act of exposure and vulnerability. You can’t hide. It can only be a reflection of yourself; your likes, your desires, your demons, the things you fear, you hate, you want and deny. No matter what form it takes, it is limited by you; your thoughts, your blind spots, your prejudices and lack of perspective. You are the filter. It is the world passing through the lens of You and that lens always has grit on it - there are always imperfections and the unique distortions that reveal the truth of how you have been made. Everyone learns to look past these things, but putting your authentic work out there for others to see exposes the truth of you, opens you up to rejection and deeper harm than just about anything else… and that takes courage.

When I create, I do so first and foremost to feed my own soul; to create some joy, exercise my own demons, to discover my truths and realize my own potential so I can evolve. I share knowing that it is vulnerability, inviting you into my head and heart to take a journey with me. I think about the times someone has commented negatively on one of my stories and how badly that stung and I can only imagine Sherlock’s creators having to withstand the kind of potent vitriol of so many hurt and angry people who wanted their work to reflect their own vision and truth.

The creators of Sherlock took and made their vision and shared it for all to see and now are under relentless attack. To think of that kind of intense, heartless scrutiny aimed at me… well, I am not sure how I would hold up.

Whatever their reasons, whatever their intentions, whatever their pain and personal experiences, this was what they needed in their journey. This is what they created to exercise their own demons (or shove them back into the closet) to ask and answer the questions most important to them and to find their own path out. Who am I to say that that is wrong? Who am I to demand something different - prioritise my vision and needs over their own? We have been privileged to share in their journey thus far and found it aligned with our own but I, for one, am not the person I want to be if I tear down another for their efforts at bringing something into this world and for inviting me into their journey when, in the end, I find I didn’t end up where I hoped and that my journey is still incomplete.

I have deleted my critical posts and I apologise to the creators of Sherlock S4. In the heat of the moment, I somehow forgot that the work you create is yours; your vision, your journey and your truth. You have the right to take whatever path you wish in getting to whatever you want to accomplish.

Sherlock’s creators owe me (and the world) nothing. They already saved me once (and likely will never know it). They gave me hope and kept me human through a year of hell. Now the rest is up to me.

I, for one, am going to try to bring some light into the world by continuing to write and draw all the things that I need to get out of me and into the world. I hope you, reading this right now, continue to be the brilliant, lovely, unique person you are and that you share your gifts with the world in every way possible.

Things out of our control happen, but we choose how we react and the way we choose to act in those darkest moments determines who we are - our character.

I hope we can pull together and support each other realising that all of us have stories and wounds we hide beneath our skin, all of us have dark moments where we do things that are ugly and hurtful. All of us have made the mistake of hurting when we are hurt.

In the end, I have this terrible suspicion we are all human.

We are all on a journey… We are all stories. In the end, make yours a good one.