#and they'll just yell at me and yell me I'm being so disagreeable and difficult if i beg them once sgain to please respect my space

[wisteryuu]

vent in tags don't mind me

[zzzzeloisa]

MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY >_<

Hello! I am Ma. You can call me Francine Eloisa L. Evangelista, but most of my close friends refer to me as "Hopya"^_^. People that I don't know well or with whom I don't feel at ease calling me "Hopya" bother me. The same is true for Eloisa; I only like it when one person calls me that. On May 17, 2005, in Pag-asa, Imus City, Cavite, I was born. Last May 17, I turned 18!

My parents and I didn't actually grow up together. Since then, it has just been me and my Kuya. Together with our cousins, our grandparents essentially raised the two of us. Of the eight cousins, I am the fifth. Before my younger cousins arrived, I spent a long time being the youngest.

Being the youngest girl relative for a considerable amount of time makes growing up with cousins difficult. My elder cousins, who are all boys, constantly tease or fight me. The advantage of being the youngest cousin, though, is that when my peers mistreat me, I always take it out on my grandparents, particularly my grandfather.

My brother and I had a close bond when we were kids. As we grew older and our relationship changed, we frequently disagreed. My kuya and I are currently attempting to repair our relationship because our parents are no longer married and we now reside with our mother. I'm happy that my brother and I are trying to repair our connection, but I'm not used to talking to him without yelling at him.

I've always wanted to be a doctor ever since I was a little kid. I want to be a doctor because I like my aunt, a qualified medical expert, who I look up to. I recall witnessing her spend restless hours studying for forthcoming exams even when she was an intern and still in medical school. Because of this, even if being a doctor is a difficult route, I'm even more inspired to follow in her footsteps and accomplish the same. Thanks to her, I realized that I could succeed. If we want to be successful on the path we've chosen, we must be persistent and patient with the process. Regardless of how difficult something may be, we must still try it in order to succeed

Numerous experiences and changes are a part of growing up, not just for the physical body but also for the mind and emotions. Since I was attracted to both guys and females in the sixth grade while I was in elementary school, I was unsure of who I was. I was lost up to the seventh grade. I didn't know I was bisexual until I was in eighth school, but I had assumed it was normal to have crushes on girls.

Only me, my ate, and two of my kuya relatives are bisexual. If I'm honest with my parents about it, I'm afraid of what they'll say. In a few months or years, I might be ready to tell them the truth about who I am.

It was challenging to figure out who I was during those years. I'm fortunate to have individuals who respect and approve of who I am. especially my two closest friends, who I can reach with a phone call. They are never far away by phone, so I can always invite them out to eat or hang out so we can talk and make fun of our life choices. From the seventh grade until now, when we are in the 12th grade and preparing for college, we have been each other's best friends, so I have always considered of them as my second family or my core group of friends.

[septembersghost]

do you think Jensen is okay...?

hey <3 so...I almost didn't answer this, but I also don't want to ignore you because that feels wrong, and everyone's talking about this, so let's talk. anything here is complete speculation just based on things we have witnessed with our own eyes for the past few months, take it with a grain of salt and know I could be way off-base, and anything I say is with care and respect for Jensen as a human being first and foremost.

it hasn't been a secret that I was very hurt and upset-to-angry about the prequel news, and other things that have circled around that, so again I want to emphasize that you can respect/appreciate someone while also disagreeing with them, questioning their choices, or expressing mild criticism (criticism being very, very different from outright hate). I'm saying this upfront to thus put it entirely aside. I also want to be clear that this is just based on...nearly sixteen years of observation and it's hard to separate my emotions from that because that was formative and is impossible to detach from entirely. people can yell about parasocialism but it's difficult to not be invested after that long a space of years, you know?

Jensen's seemed a bit off to me a number of times since March and I think there are many factors as to why that could be the case, most of which we're likely not privy to, but some of which we do have pieces of. the more personal aspects of it that I am aware of aren't things I want to discuss about him publicly because it doesn't feel fair to do that, but let's talk some of the professional angle. I absolutely don't believe for a moment that he's taking anything out on anyone due to the finale (because that would lowkey be socipathic, for one thing), but that's primarily because I think he's honest in the emotions he's shared about it and his insight into it post its airing (and even before it aired, really, in some of the interviews he did). we're holding onto uneasiness and frustration he expressed long before it was filmed, and while I disagree with him on the finale in a few ways too, that also doesn't alter other aspects of my point of view. he is a professional and, by all accounts we have ever gotten, caring and generous, SO I don't think for a second he's...trying to get revenge? whatever weird narrative fandom is spinning...on Jared for the finale. (how the hell does that even make sense? do better, fandom.) Jared didn't write the finale, Jared controlled nothing about the finale, and Jensen knows that. the loss I think they might respectively have felt, or be feeling, is more to do with the show itself ending as a place of constancy for them. honestly, I could spend time digging up a million different quotes from interviews for you to read, or I could just show you these:

and there are endless examples of those moments, none of which were performative, all of which they earnestly shared.

the reason I bring this up specifically is for my next point. the ending of the show was a kind of death, as endings of massive chapters in our lives always are. and it HAS to be disorienting and strange to go from that ^ to an entirely new set. fandom really underestimates what they were talking about in those moments - acting is an intimate artform, it requires trust and inhibitions to be lowered and reliance on the person you're performing with. they had been together for so long (Jensen said there was no one else he spent more time with), nearly 16 years, that suddenly having that severed and having to adjust to distance and doing new things is going to feel off-balance at first. that level of understanding and intuitive ease with another person, knowing they've got your back, knowing how they'll react and what you can add to the script and to moments of your characters to flesh that out further is rare. losing that assurance and comfort would not be easy. so you have to adjust to that loss and that distance, AS WELL AS having to experience the farewell to/loss of Sam and Dean, which was very intimate and layered with both sorrow and fulfillment for them both, along with saying goodbye to the other close people in the cast and crew that they'd known for so long - and they didn't even really get to do that, because of the pandemic. the wrap party, the final farewells, all the normal fanfare that would happen with the end of a 15 year running show was basically frozen in place and then didn't happen. thus the closure of those rituals also didn't happen, and we often need those things to feel a sense of moving on.

I think the possibility exists that losing the home and safety and love of the show, and adjusting to their own dynamic changing, has hit them in varying ways and in waves. and then last week happened, and we don't know exactly why or how it happened, but there was hurt and misunderstanding there. people are saying he's just homesick and that feels somewhat dismissive of the things that have recently occurred. a bunch of mistakes were made last week and into this week (I don't want to spill all the tea at you, but there have been numerous things that could've been handled differently), on just, like, a basic PR level, and I cannot imagine that's how he wanted this to go, and I'm sure he's aware of certain reactions from fandom, as well as whatever he's discussed with anyone on a personal level.

that post was very unlike Jensen and I don't think it's harmful or invasive to admit it, because he chose to post it. you put something like that on social media and you are sharing it willingly with anyone in your audience. if it had just been the photos, they'd be easy for fandom to dismiss as him blowing off steam after a long night or whatever - though I feel he has a lot of excuses to scream at the moment - but the caption was intentional.

I defended Jared when he was being dragged and harassed for having an emotional reaction on the internet as if it was an unforgivable sin because I found that very harmful and unfeeling, and because I value genuine human reactions and HONESTY, and that's all that was. he had every right to respond publicly to news he received that shocked him publicly, it's super weird that people refuse to see that as a natural reaction. there was also a really gross ableist aspect of it where people were shaming him for mental health reasons, and the...dismissal of emotion by calling it a tantrum or whatever...nope I just can't do that. I'm not here to silence or police feelings. they have both been VILIFIED by warring sides of this fandom and it's unconscionable. seeing them called names and absolute fabrications spread about both of them has been really unsettling. I'm going to lend the same empathy here in regards to Jensen's post - I don't think it's fair or considerate to judge him for having a reaction, nor do I think the obvious emotional aspect of it should be dismissed. he said he was going through some shit and trying to cope with it. it's fairly straightforward that he was feeling some level of stress or hurt or anguish and needed to let it out, and I certainly don't blame him given the past nearly eight months that WE'VE endured just as fans. I want to scream into the void way too often! I've cried an embarrassing amount! and I have shit happening in my real life too, which has made every other grief and frustration and pain that much worse. we're human. we feel. events that happen to us are interconnected. sometimes you've just gotta let that out. sometimes you have to do it by expressing it vocally so that people are aware you're going through it. sometimes merely letting it out helps. the toxic masculinity aspect of saying they should both shut up and deal or never show us any honesty or any vulnerability is not good.

so, no, I don't think he posted that purely for funsies and I do believe he was giving us a little insight into a moment of his headspace, and I respect that he needed to do it, and appreciate the unvarnished wording of it. I am some random nobody on the internet who's just dearly loved a character he played for what amounts to the entirety of my adult life, but I don't know him and can't speak for him and it's not my place to publicly speculate beyond this which is already SO LONG, I'm sorry. I think he was going through it, and he decided to share that for a moment. I never wish misery or hurt on him (or anyone who's never done anything to deserve it), and I understand why fandom was distressed and a bit worried to see that today, as was I, but hopefully...idk sometimes the mere acknowledgement that you're dealing with stuff is helpful in getting through it. I do hope he's okay overall.

[your-turn-to-role]

yeah, i honestly don't think we're disagreeing that much? like trent was definitely cruel and abusive as kids and i don't think they spent the whole time going "ah this is good and friendly"

but at the same time... kindness and gentleness isn't what i was trying to emphasise about how trent would have acted around them. what i was mainly getting at was the fact that everyone else caleb's ever talked to who's known trent has acted as if they can tell he's evil from a mile off, like it's obvious

but like... even with everything you're saying (which i am aware of and did take into account)... if trent had shown up like a cartoon villain they would have had no reason to trust him

and trust was crucial

my first high school was one you had to pass a test to get into, i know those kind of teachers. hopefully none of them were secretly abusing kids behind everyone's backs, but like, the teachers who have a reputation for being cruel and impossible and difficult and take pride in only teaching the best of the best and letting everyone else flunk out

and yeah, like you said, it fucking works. like i tended to hate all those teachers on principle and deliberately failed their classes because i was the kind of kid that was like "if you're not gonna play fair with everyone i'm not gonna let you treat me like i'm special and instead i'm gonna make life as difficult for you as possible" (not to say i'd be immune to that kind of manipulation, there were definitely very similar things that would have worked, just not that in particular), but i had plenty of friends who loved those kinds of teachers, because it's one thing to have a friendly teacher like you, it's another to have a teacher everyone hates like you, because kids like feeling special

and all of those friends saw those teachers as confidantes, even if they were strict even to them. i have never seen a teacher be more well loved and trusted than the ones with a reputation for being terrible

i had a teacher who was known for being terrifying and cutthroat and yelling a lot, who once informed us the majority of the class had failed an exam by handing back the papers to the three or four students that passed and then walking up to the front of the room and dropping the rest on the floor. i have witnessed the same teacher sit at the back of the class with a friend of mine who was also a star student and joke about how terrible the school system is

you can be both at once, is what i'm saying, and honestly being both at once is a great way to have those star pupils not think ill of you, because the first time you're cruel to them specifically their thought is not "wow this teacher's bad news", it's "oh no i fucked up i need to fix this so they'll like me again", which is, exactly the mindset you want them in if you plan to manipulate them into doing stuff they don't wanna do

and caleb may not have liked trent, after a while, but he trusted that trent would always tell him the truth

that's the biggest difference between caleb's view of the situation and the adult scourgers' view of the situation. it's not that caleb suddenly realised he was bad, you're right, that's old news. but consider that teenage caleb was lawful evil and trent's chaotic. what broke caleb's trust in trent was that he lied.

if he hadn't, if caleb's parents genuinely were traitors, then sure, caleb would still have had the mental break, but when he recovered, he might not have run away. it was that lie, that betrayal, that shook caleb out of a lot of the conditioning. and he's convinced that's all it would take for the others as well, he tried to use that truth on the scourger in the jail, he tried to use it on astrid. and of course they rebuffed it easily because it's been so long in this life now of course they know. maybe they never cared about the lie, only the end result

but yeah i think you've helped me clarify a little more what the exact problem is, but if anything that only makes it worse. because yeah, a decent chunk of those "yeah of course trent's bad news", have come with a "of course you shouldn't trust him". even the other volstrucker, victims of the same abuse, have told caleb of course they don't trust trent

caleb did.

and if we're talking about things that make caleb feel humiliated and isolated and ashamed, i don't think anything's going to get higher than that

kinda jumping off that other post i reblogged but something i’ve been thinking for a while is… it’s definitely, an interesting choice, for matt to have pretty much every npc ever go “yeah trent’s vibes are the worst he’s creepy and i hate him”, and i think that’s validating for the audience who’s known to hate him from the start

but i really don’t think it’s that validating for caleb

because like, the simple fact of the matter is, trent isn’t always creepy, and doesn’t always have bad vibes the instant you meet him. he’s perfectly capable of being a charming and clever and friendly old man, because that’s the entire basis on how his abuse tactics work

if trent was immediately noticeable as bad news, he wouldn’t be able to lure so many kids into going to how magic school, then taking private lessons with him, then manipulating them to put the empire and him above everything else, then convincing them everything they go through is worth it. like, the biggest, number one most effective trait of abusers, is they seem like nice people at first, people you’d want to give the benefit of the doubt, because that’s the only way they get away with gradually turning up the heat like that until you’re trapped

caleb may hate trent now, and i think most scourgers do eventually, they get to a certain point and they realise trent was manipulating and abusing them, but at that point they fully believe in the cause and see it as “well, okay, he’s terrible and i hate him, but someone had to do it, for the sake of the empire”. but as children? as children this is your trusted mentor, who saw something in you personally and wants the best for you, this is your friend, this is your confidant, and you’re so good at magic that an assembly member loves you and wants to teach you privately

and i think thinking of trent that way makes many people uncomfortable, for sure. but the thing is, if everyone who’s ever met trent knows immediately he’s bad news, how is caleb supposed to take that? everyone saw this and you didn’t, you were naive and foolish to go along with it, was trent really manipulating you at all? or did you go along with it because it gave you an opportunity to be the terrible person you’ve been all along, you didn’t run away because you believed in empire over all, you believed you were better than everyone else, you wanted the excuse to hurt people.

caleb has a lot of reasons to blame himself, but i feel like this is another voice in his ear, because everyone jumps immediately to “i knew he was terrible from the start i hate him” and think that they’re confirming to caleb they’re on his side. and they are, but they’re also doing what caleb’s been doing to himself the whole time, and implicating the victim

(though i do find it interesting that even with it made so obvious, sometimes even the fandom takes trent’s side. not in an overt way, but any time people have seen how trent reacted in contrast to caleb’s prediction and gone “oh caleb was overreacting”. like i fully believe caleb has never once overreacted about that, we just haven’t seen the worst of it yet)