#and they were so damn worried about the one mildly poisonous snake we have around here

[reitziluz]

a farm museum of sorts has weekly open workshops that do have themes and instruction, but you can kinda just go do your own thing there. this week it was crochet, specifically whittling your own hook and making a crochet winter hat.

in practice it was a bunch of people getting the hang of the basics. and me. making black lace. because i want to use it to upsize a fancy croptop.

in hindsight, maybe it wasn't that weird that i got asked if i'm studying in this local fashion school

[letsperaltiago]

bet you wish you could touch our rush (Jake x Amy)

Okay, so nr. 6 (Cop-Con prompt) was the first one to get the most votes, but I’ll try to do the other requests as well! Just have some patience and I’ll get to it eventually! Also I’d thank you all for letting me know you preferences. It was awesome to have so many engage! 

Anyways: Here goes Cop-Con feat. drunk horny Peraltiago! PS I’m sorryyyyy if this sucks. I love an overprotective Jake but also know that realistically he trusts Amy too much to be a jerk about it soooo I tried a middle thing. Also I love for a drunk, stupid happy giggly horny couple. 

Please let me know what you think! 

Word count: 1.8k

Music was blasting from various speakers and drenched the room in a messy cocktail made of incoherent songs - everything from bubbly pop to the heaviest metal - and drunk voices, laughs and slurs. The detectives and officers from the Chicago PD had also had the genius idea to bring coloured lights and even a damn disco ball. This was no longer a boring hotel in Rochester; the entire floor was one big, secret secret party and it ruled.

Jake’s gaze scanned the crowded room holding one beer in hand whilst at least two were already safely stored in his stomach. The buzz had kicked in some time ago but nonetheless he immediately recognised a loud laugh causing him to turn around to see the one and only (and drunk) Amy Santiago perched on a dinner table turned bar. Surrounding her were three men and Jake immediately hoped it was with her and not at her, when they broke into laughter. Amy was a grown woman; the most grown human he knew. He knew she could take care of herself, but Jake also couldn’t help but keep an eye on the four of them - especially now that she’d had God knows how many drinks. Leaving them behind with the benefit of the doubt since he figured that there was no reason to worry, Jake downed the rest of his bear and stumbled off to find Rosa and Charles. If he was lucky they’d still be doing the Taser challenge.

“Wazzup, losers,” he just barely yelled upon finally finding what he’d been looking far: Rosa, Charles, a blonde NYPD beat cop he’d seen around the precinct before and some random guy from who knows where. “Still tasering?”

“Yup,” Rosa responded briefly as always before downing a shot of what appeared to be pure tequila.

“Awesome. I’m in!”

“Great. Got a drink?” Apparently one shot hadn’t been enough and Rosa poured herself another one.

“Uh,” Jake shook his bottle instantly realising that he’d emptied it whilst looking at Amy. “Gimme a minute and I’ll be back with one!” His feet immediately stumbled back to the bar table in the room next door, nonchalantly standing besides a still giggly Amy as he poured himself a cup of whatever alcoholic liquid his hand reached first. She hadn’t noticed and he hadn’t either - until one of the three men’s voice caught his attention.

“Okay, doll… “

Jake’s face immediately twisted into a frown at the disgustingly demeaning condescending though nonetheless he kept pouring. He was not about to meddle and cause a scene like a dick. Though he did pour very slowly, dragging out the amount of time he’d have to stick around and eavesdrop.

“Enough giggling and joking around. Which of the three of us are you going to join in our hotel room?”

Jake Peralta didn’t do jealous, but he did feel anger rising within him as he saw the three men smirk greedily as Amy, obviously more than just tipsy, was a bit taken back and let out a mix between a scoff and a chuckle. “Seriously?”

“Of course. This talking thing can only last so long,” another of the three men added before taking a sip of his beer. Out of the corner of his eye Jake could see his girlfriend, drunk but still her slightly socially awkward self, walking the line between drunk and sober in an attempt to come up with a good answer. A nervous hand running through her black curls sent Jake the signal he’d somewhat waited for; enough was enough.

“Let me in on this, gentlemen?” Jake interrupted the little circle they’d formed around a still sitting Amy. “Consider me an option, doll,” he sent his girlfriend a cocky wink before taking a sip of his drink. He couldn’t help but feel bare for not intervening earlier when he saw her shoulders and eyes drop in relief.

The one who’d started this whole ordeal quickly shot him an unsure elevator look. “Ehm sure, man. But I don’t-“

“You,” Amy smirked widely as she stretched out her arm to point at her boyfriend as to show he was the chosen one. “Show me your hotel room. Pleferlably the inside of it. Splecifically the bed.”

Her horribly mispronounced words were punctuated by her teeth biting into her bottom lip, and if Jake hadn’t felt mildly disgusted with himself for choosing such a disgusting character to help out his girlfriend, he would’ve been so so turned on.

The three men, hell even Jake was taken back by his girlfriend’s boldness, but it immediately made much more sense upon noticing how her eyes had transitioned to a darker shade of brown and how she was holding yet another drink in her hand. 4-drink Amy.

“Oh, I’ll show you more than just the bed,” he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively before grabbing her hand and pulling her off the table as the three predators walked away with glum expressions. Feeling the need to make sure she was entirely okay, Jake never let go of her hand as he dragged her out into the hallway where the walls between them and the music would allow them to talk.

“I’m sorry about that, Ames. You okay?” He was definitely not sober, but never not sober enough to feel highly alert whenever someone he cared about was in trouble. He wanted to do this right.

Though apparently Amy had other plans in mind. Before he had time to put down his beer, wanting to hold and physically comfort her, she had him pressed up against the wall behind them. Lips that tasted like wine and poison immediately followed behind and pressed themselves against his. His head started spinning when he felt the fake soberness, which he’d forced upon himself to help her, quickly fade away. No way in hell he was sober; he was drunk as hell and so was she. More importantly her body and lips were attached to his and no one else. Instinctively his hand dropped his drink on the hotel carpet, which honestly didn’t matter ‘cause it was super gross since he’d paid more attention to her than the (what seemed to be) vodka and tequila ratio. No matter what it was it had smelled like it was about to knock the life out of every living braincell within him.

“‘ank you for saving me,” she gasped between crashing lips occasionally switching back a forth between his lips and his chin. As if she wasn’t utterly horny and needy for him already, Jake digging his hands beneath her floral shirt to caress her skin had her going insane. God, her skin was always so damn soft.

“Zhey shouldn’t-“ he swallowed a kiss, “have said that to you. I don’t want stupid boys to want you like that. Only super nize boys.” Wild hands ran through his messed up curls, occasionally getting caught up in them and tugging. Her chest was heaving and pressed up against his like for dear life. The sound of her breathing through her nose like a wild starving animal was insane. Anything she did drove him insane.

“You’re a nize boy,” she momentarily slipped away from his lips to whisper into his ear followed by  her teeth lazily tugging on the soft lobe. Jake felt himself fall apart. ”Take me to your wroom.”

“Therz a party in our rome, babe,” he felt himself struggle to keep up with both the English language and the kissing as he tried to paint the picture of their situation for her.

“I don’t care,” she’d managed to fumble the upper part of his shirt open, her hot breath and soft lips against his sternum making him shiver. “I’m sure therz no one in the bed. Or the closet. Either is frine.”

“Oh God,” Jake looked up towards the ceiling in pure desperation which caused the back of his head to bump into the wall. “Ames, you’re deathing me.”

“Please,” she separated from his chest only to grab his chin and pull it downards to look right into her almost black eyes. “I need you. Now. Wherever.”

If Jake wasn’t already turned on and probably also stone hard then he definitely was now. His girlfriend - his smart, beautiful, perfect girlfriend - was basically begging on her knees. Yet there was no way he’d allow them, no matter how drunk, to have sex directly in front of other people. They’d tried a fair share of things, but there was a limit to everything - even kinky sex. “We can’t in front of like… people.”

Amy didn’t even try to hide her disappointment at this. “But like… We’re peoples. You’re peoples and I’m peoples and we're always there whenever we boink.” Her whine somehow reminded him of a kid’s which amused him until he realised there was nothing funny about them not being able to have sex.

“Baby, that’s different.” He leaned down to continue his drunk slurring against her lips. “We’re not like other peoples. We can boink with each other in the room.”

“Can’t they just leave uz alone then? Go away,” this time it was her turn to slur against his lips as her hands slowly snaked their way beneath the bottom of his shirt and onto his bare skin.

Jake, speechless and suddenly realising how hopeless they both were, cupped her face in his hands and started laughing with his lips still pressed to hers. Everything; the whole day and evening; the alcohol; his love for her… It came crashing down on him all at once.

“Babe, we so drunk,” he smiled into the kiss, squeezing her waist as he did a 180 and pushed her against the wall he himself had just been caught against. He didn’t have to look to know that she was smiling too while running the palms of her hands up and down his lower back.

“I know,” she chuckled. “What are we going to do?” She somehow deepened the kiss.”I wunna boink…”

“Uhummm…” he couldn’t even make out proper words anymore. Amy Santiago had him at the gates of heaven and he needed to find a damn key. Fast.

Then an idea hit him like lightning meaning that he to both of their dismay pulled back. “Store room!”

His idea was immediately met by a frown. “What store? There’s no store here.”

“Storing room!” He tried again, slowly feeling the right expression sneaking up on him. He would probably get it right sooner or later, but didn’t have to wait much longer. Amy, as most of the time anyways, beat him to it.

“Room for storage! Storage room!”

“Yes!” He exclaimed like a kid getting what he wanted the most for Christmas. There was the urge to kiss her again and so he did. “You’re so smort, baby.” He cooed suddenly feeling her hands pushing onto his chest and off of her. Apart from her hazy, drunk eyes she looked stern and determined as ever.

“Shut up, Pearralta. We have a storable closet to find.”

[windschildfanfictionwriter]

“Unholy crossbreed between an archetype and a camera.” Holy Shit Vivi, you made me laugh so hard and the more I think about this line the more true it feels. I never feared for Harry. Not even for a second. 

Rowling kept throwing more and more traumatizing stuff at Harry and each time it felt as if Harry got LESS empathetic for others rather than more. Outside of Cedric, he never was shown to be affected. And he rarely had an emotional reaction when things happened to the people around him. I know Harry was... mildly? upset by Ron being poisoned. I want to believe he was. But it was mostly ‘observation’ after Ron’s poisoning. The after time when Ron was in the hospital? We saw Hagrid sobbing. We saw Hermione pale. We saw the twins and Ginny ‘slightly concerned.’ But Harry’s feelings weren’t talked about. 

When Arthur was attacked by the snake, Harry was more concerned about his own impending chance at being considered crazy or evil for having a connection to Voldemort. 

In fact, its a bit weird, now that I’m thinking about it... 

I think we all know that Harry is more of an observer than his own person, narratively speaking, Rowling rarely lets us know what Harry is feeling or thinking despite being in the guy’s head for seven god damn books. Which is one of the reasons I find him so hard to write at times because we often get the emotions of others expressed to us far more frequently than we do Harry. 

But... unless the conflict is ABOUT Harry then we don’t get his emotions on it. Like... one of the few instances I can think of of something happening to someone else is when Ron was given his prefect badge. We get that moment of jealousy and incredulousness that Harry himself wasn’t chosen. 

Yeah... I can’t really think of more than like a few very brief handfuls of times in seven long books where Harry really had an emotional reaction to something happening to someone ELSE. 

The stuff that happened to Hagrid and Sirius seem to be odd exceptions to the rule. [Or Snape, for opposite types of emotions]. 

But yeah, I agree with Vivi. As much as I think Harry has the potential to be a really fun character, I didn’t really witness it in the books. The narrative was just... too obsessive about making everything about Harry. Even a god damn war. How much better would the books have been if Harry got to witness Neville facing down a duel with a one of the Slytherin’s and at first he’s losing but then he gets the upper hand from some personal thing in the books discussed earlier because [proper] character development moment. Or... what if Hermione got a real character growth moment in the books? Like, she’s put in a position where she has to help someone emotionally [lets pretend she didn’t go through her goddess emotional growth off screen and suddenly have empathy out of nowhere where she didn’t have any in the earlier books and she suddenly understands people very well. *Rolls eyes]. Lets say that she realizes that she wants to be there for her friends in this way and so spends an entire year trying and failing and by the end she’s not great at it, but she’s trying. 

My gosh would I have loved her character so much more. 

How much more impactful would that walk have been if Harry had shown real reactions to the people around him? If the people around him had problems that extended past Harry but that Harry still cared about those problems? 

How much more impactful would that walk have been if the narrative hadn’t been so obsessive over the main protagonist? I would have been much more worried about Harry. I wouldn’t have assumed from the get go that he was going to make it. 

As it stands... the walk really wasn’t that impressive and Vivi does have a point that Harry’s life and death after that point were only mildly significant because Harry did his job. I would have been hella pissed, to be honest, if after all that plot armor Harry HAD died. Because it would have been breaking a Authors promise. Harry’s death would have literally only been done for shock value and nothing else. A lot of people didn’t feel anything for the scene because the writing was on the walls. 

How dare you turn Harry’s sacrifice into “Harry is better dead than alive”. That chapter is the most hard hitting chapter in the series, filled with what it means to be alive, filled with Harry’s dread, but also his courage and how he hopes everyone will be safe after, it’s filled with Harry reflecting on his bonds with people, his time at Hogwarts and how lonely he was up until that moment, he finally meets his parents and they help him walk to his own demise. That chapter is the single best character moment of the whole series, it is filled with dread and horror and sadness but also hope, innocence and love, and you turn it into “Harry is better off dead than alive”? Well than Good luck to everyone else without Harry’s love charm protecting them, and here’s something you say to everyone else all the time: Fuck you

Aw, I offended you? Harry’s better dead than alive, Harry’s better dead than alive, Harry’s better dead than alive, I literally felt zero thing as he was walking to his death because thanks to my literature knowledge I was like “yeah right he’s totally not gonna die”. So yeah the whole ~heartwrenching so sad so courageous wah :’(~ thing I spent it like “meh” because I knew Harry was going to stay alive. I knew Rowling wouldn’t be able to kill him off. I knew Harry’s outrageous, ridiculous, obscene plot armor was going to save his incompetent ass like it always has.

You know, I guess that’s why I never got attached to Harry. Because I know literature. I studied it. And so, as literature goes, I noticed some stuff like how Harry got saved not really because of his own guile and strength, but really because The Plot Almighty saved him. He gets saved because his dead mom loved him, because Dumbledore sends him Fawkes and the Hat, because Hermione can rewind time, because his wand and Voldemort create a bullshit magic event horizon, because Dumbledore in person comes save his idiot ass, because Snape was truly on his side, and finally because literally the Elder Wand isn’t cool with killing him somehow. This is a “hero” that acts more like a damsel in distress waiting for a Knight In Plot Armor to save them than an actual hero who actually acts and gets shit done.

You know, I felt sadder for Sirius. I did actually cry when Sirius died, it came as such a shock. Same for Fred. I hated JKR for killing Fred. But Harry’s Great Tortuous Walk Of Destiny Blah Blah? Eh. The angst and the loss and the feels? Meh. Nothing. And then Harry comes back to life and I was just like “called it”.

I understand that you’re very very attached to precious Harry Christ. But that’s not my case. I have no interest in this unholy crossbreed between an archetype and a camera. Sorry... not sorry.

And fuck you too Anon! They do say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery :D

[flauntpage]

A Comprehensive Review Every New NBA 'City' Uniform

The biggest NBA news of the day is that Baron Davis and Laura Dern are dating, but the second biggest news is that Nike Released their designs for every NBA team’s “City” alternate jersey, which are jerseys inspired by cities or some shit. I looked at them and wrote about them, like a normal sports blogger does.

GOOD:

CHICAGO:

It’s the flag, and it’s a nice flag everyone is very fond of. I am worried about players spilling chocolate on their unis, though. That would be very embarrassing, I think, to walk around with a big ol’ chocolate stain on your nice white uniform. High risk, high reward play, here.

PACERS:

It has a checkered flag, like a race car. I like race cars. I like that they go vroom vroom very fast.

CLIPPERS:

Look I don’t know what the fuck is has to do with boats, or why the team is wearing Miami Dolphins colors, but teal is an NBA power color and you have to respect any team that dons it.

BUCKS:

Eggshell tones baby! Perfect for the river-yacht or a chilly, fire-lit library, with a tasteful stripe down the middle to bring it all together. This is the midwestern thinking man’s alternate jersey. Also they say “CREAM CITY” on the bottom, which is where I live, work and play, spiritually.

MAGIC:

If you don’t like these, you need to smoke more weed. One time I was EXTREMELY blitzed off THC drops at the Hiram M. Chittenden Locks in the Ballard neighborhood of Seattle, Washington, and I spent like ten minutes in the gift shop, looking at the t-shirts they were selling. I thought the drawing was really nice and for a hot second I thought, damn I need one of these motherfuckers REAL bad but then my good brain, not my stoned brain, kicked in and way like “Hey Corbin, man, you’re probably too stoned to make this purchase, this shirt isn’t that nice dude.” Anyway, if I was still using, and I encountered this jersey in that state, I would HAVE to buy the Bismack Biyombo manifestation of this jersey, just spend whatever obscene amounts of money was requested of me, and regret the purchase in a very true and real way while also savoring my stoned wisdom in that time. This jersey rules.

SPURS:

I get that, as a left leaning-dude, I’m expected to hate black and white Spurs-branded digi-camo. But by making the camo black and white, it goes BEYOND a tribute-to-the-troops and turns a bunch of dudes who plays a game for a living into members of a private mercenary gang that kills its enemies with hoops. Watching capital inadvertently debase the world spanning military colossus that keeps it in power is kinda funny, I think it’s good.

SIXERS:

EXTRAORDINARILY classy font! Finally, the play of Joel Embiid is being recognized for what it is: a luxury product, grander than any wine, any gold topped chocolate bon bon, any gentle scented oil, rubbed into your back by the world’s strongest and most skilled masseuse.

ROCKETS:

At first glance, it’s maybe a little weird that the Rockets have Chinese writing on a jersey that is meant to celebrate the city of Houston, a city where most people speak English. But, clearly, this is the harbinger of the future for the franchise, which is going to move to Beijing as soon as possible. What’s my source? THAT’s my source buddy! BEIJING ROCKETS 2018-19, DON’T TRY TO HIDE FROM IT!

UTAH:

Evokes the 70s, cocaine. Maravich belongs in this jersey.

KINGS:

The Basketball is a Lion King. He will stand above all other balls and roar, and the other balls will bow at his might until, one day, he is killed by another basketball, his brother who is also a basketball. His son, a basketball as well, will get revenge and take his place on the mountain, though.

BROOKLYN:

It’s a Nets Jersey. It’s black and white and it looks nice. Not everything needs to shatter molds.

MIAMI:

I wanna make a joke, but what, I’m made of stone?

KNICKS:

I like firefighters and no one can say otherwise.

BAD:

CELTICS:

You guys aren’t gonna believe this, but the Celtics have a boring looking alternate jersey to compliment their boring looking regular jersey. Features grey. More on that later. We are living in the wildest possible times.

LAKERS:

Kobe Bryant designed these. They’re supposed to look like snakes, because Kobe branded himself as a snake. Kobe spending his retirement trying a bunch of sports-adjacent shit he’s not good at and getting deferrence because he is Kobe Bryant, The Player Who Scored A Lot, is maybe the most embarrassing shit I’ve ever seen a professional athlete do. It would be less embarrassing if he was posting videos where people pissed in his mouth or making sly pro-Trump allusions to reporters or taking 125th place in Scrabble tournaments.

CAVS:

It is, I think, truly stunning how terrible these things are. They are, first, off, grey. You know, grey? The color of cloudy days and paved over fields? The color that only looks good on dads, while they swing hammers or pick up their children, or whatever? And then, the only color that REALLY compliments grey, which is yellow. You know. Like a paved road, that thing everyone thinks has a cool color? I mean who can blame Nike, I suppose, when LeBron James, the world’s most famous athlete, is the human being who is your most prominent non-Jordan pitchman, you gotta put him in the ugliest shit imaginable

OKC:

Honestly, It’s impressive how awful these are, soup-to-nuts. No one who made this had even one good idea they put into the final product. Every OKC jersey is bad, of course, on account of the team’s very existence being born from the poison seed of theft from Seattle, but… Gradients!? GRADIENTS!? A grey-to-grey-gradient? Why, on God’s green earth, is Nike fucking so hard with Grey, a color, not even a color, a SHADE, that has inspired exactly no people, ever? They like grey so much that they put TWO DIFFERENT KINDS of grey in this piece of garbage, and subtly mixed the two greys so that there would be nearly infinite manifestations of grey betweens the main greys. This jersey is seeking the limits of grey itself, the deepest grey, the grey at the edge of our understanding of grey.

WASHINGTON:

All the chocolate staining potential of the Chicago jersey, none of the evocative shit. These are maybe, low key, the worst one.

ATLANTA:

This evokes bees, not Hawks. Would someone please put feather texturing on these jerseys, like the world has been demanding all these years.

DETROIT:

These say “Motor City” but do not feature any pictures of cars, which I love because, like I said earlier, they are fast and they make loud noises. The move here was an updated version of the mid 90’s Grant-Hill vroom vroom firehorse, but Nike isn’t listening to good sense!

GOD ONLY KNOWS:

WOLVES:

Look, I’ve talked a lot of shit on Grey, which is Nike’s favorite color right now I guess, but I can accept it here. Minny winters are insanely grey, wolves are grey, this all makes thematic sense. But also: good god grey is ugly. Don’t wear grey!

MAVERICKS:

These are bad but they’re like so bad that I think they almost fly around the moon and become good again? They are a bad uniform that lives somewhere out of time, a look that has never been cool in any era, but in that fact I think they gain a kind of integrity. There’s a possibility that, someday, in 2067 or some shit, these will have been regarded at an innovative step forward in jersey aesthetics, even if we think they’re hideous now. Cop them and freeze dry to sell in the future.

WARRIORS:

That shade of yellow is hideous but the logo is cool? “The Bay” is some real San Francisco bullshit though, one of those subtle org-wide attempts to separate the team from Oakland before they strip the city of the team and move them to rich-ass tech boi SF in a few years.

MEMPHIS:

Honestly I feel weird writing snarky, mildly absurdist jokes about a jersey that is based on signs from a famous workers rights struggle. While I guess I respect Grizzlies celebrating a monumental protest with their unis, the fact that they were designed and manufactured by Nike, a company with a workers rights record that is spotty at best, goes a long way to defanging the allusion. Capitalism: it’s everywhere and it’s amoral!

SUNS:

EXTREMELY PURPLE. Purple is my favorite color and I honestly admire how purple these are, while also wondering… how purple is too purple?

PELICANS:

These are also Purple.

BLAZERS:

Every other Portland fan hates these things, which makes sense because they live in the world capital of streetwear snobbery. I think they’re fine. The plaid is totally unnecessary. If I was making these bad boys, I think I would stick a fat-ass salmon on there, personally. I also think that the mascot should be replaced with a salmon.

HORNETS:

I don’t even know, man. If it were up to me, I would make them play in a white jersey with a fat-ass picture of Michael Jordan’s smiling face on the front, and anything else will just seem incomplete to me.

RAPTORS:

Finally a uniform that tells sports fans: “Hey: my face is up here. I know my body is chugging away down here, but the soul is in the face, and that’s where a person’s TRUE MEANING can be found. Geeze louise.”

NUGGETS:

Nice shade of blue. Fun stripes. Otherwise: whatever.

Okay I did it, this is every uniform. Back to tracking down every last piece of information I can collect and Baron + Laura. Where do they like to go to dinner, you think?

A Comprehensive Review Every New NBA 'City' Uniform published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

[amtushinfosolutionspage]

A Comprehensive Review Every New NBA ‘City’ Uniform

The biggest NBA news of the day is that Baron Davis and Laura Dern are dating, but the second biggest news is that Nike Released their designs for every NBA team’s “City” alternate jersey, which are jerseys inspired by cities or some shit. I looked at them and wrote about them, like a normal sports blogger does.

GOOD:

CHICAGO:

It’s the flag, and it’s a nice flag everyone if very fond of. I am worried about players spilling chocolate on their unis, though. That would be very embarrassing, I think, to walk around with a big ol’ chocolate stain on your nice white uniform. High risk, high reward play, here.

PACERS:

It has a checkered flag, like a race car. I like race cars. I like that they go vroom vroom very fast.

CLIPPERS:

Look I don’t know what the fuck is has to do with boats, or why the team is wearing Miami Dolphins colors, but teal is an NBA power color and you have to respect any team that dons it.

BUCKS:

Eggshell tones baby! Perfect for the river-yacht or a chilly, fire-lit library, with a tasteful stripe down the middle to bring it all together. This is the midwestern thinking man’s alternate jersey. Also they say “CREAM CITY” on the bottom, which is where I live, work and play, spiritually.

MAGIC:

If you don’t like these, you need to smoke more weed. One time I was EXTREMELY blitzed off THC drops at the Hiram M. Chittenden Locks in the Ballard neighborhood of Seattle, Washington, and I spent like ten minutes in the gift shop, looking at the t-shirts they were selling. I thought the drawing was really nice and for a hot second I thought, damn I need one of these motherfuckers REAL bad but then my good brain, not my stoned brain, kicked in and way like “Hey Corbin, man, you’re probably too stoned to make this purchase, this shirt isn’t that nice dude.” Anyway, if I was still using, and I encountered this jersey in that state, I would HAVE to buy the Bismack Biyombo manifestation of this jersey, just spend whatever obscene amounts of money was requested of me, and regret the purchase in a very true and real way while also savoring my stoned wisdom in that time. This jersey rules.

SPURS:

I get that, as a left leaning-dude, I’m expected to hate black and white Spurs-branded digi-camo. But by making the camo black and white, it goes BEYOND a tribute-to-the-troops and turns a bunch of dudes who plays a game for a living into members of a private mercenary gang that kills its enemies with hoops. Watching capital inadvertently debase the world spanning military colossus that keeps it in power is kinda funny, I think it’s good.

UTAH:

Evokes the 70s, cocaine. Maravich belongs in this jersey.

KINGS:

The Basketball is a Lion King. He will stand above all other balls and roar, and the other balls will bow at his might until, one day, he is killed by another basketball, his brother who is also a basketball. His son, a basketball as well, will get revenge and take his place on the mountain, though.

BROOKLYN:

It’s a Nets Jersey. It’s black and white and it looks nice. Not everything needs to shatter molds.

MIAMI:

I wanna make a joke, but what, I’m made of stone?

KNICKS:

I like firefighters and no one can say otherwise.

BAD:

CELTICS:

You guys aren’t gonna believe this, but the Celtics have a boring looking alternate jersey to compliment their boring looking regular jersey. Features grey. More on that later. We are living in the wildest possible times.

LAKERS:

Kobe Bryant designed these. They’re supposed to look like snakes, because Kobe branded himself as a snake. Kobe spending his retirement trying a bunch of sports-adjacent shit he’s not good at and getting deferrence because he is Kobe Bryant, The Player Who Scored A Lot, is maybe the most embarrassing shit I’ve ever seen a professional athlete do. It would be less embarrassing if he was posting videos where people pissed in his mouth or making sly pro-Trump allusions to reporters or taking 125th place in Scrabble tournaments.

CAVS:

It is, I think, truly stunning how terrible these things are. They are, first, off, grey. You know, grey? The color of cloudy days and paved over fields? The color that only looks good on dads, while they swing hammers or pick up their children, or whatever? And then, the only color that REALLY compliments grey, which is yellow. You know. Like a paved road, that thing everyone thinks has a cool color? I mean who can blame Nike, I suppose, when LeBron James, the world’s most famous athlete, is the human being who is your most prominent non-Jordan pitchman, you gotta put him in the ugliest shit imaginable

OKC:

Honestly, It’s impressive how awful these are, soup-to-nuts. No one who made this had even one good idea they put into the final product. Every OKC jersey is bad, of course, on account of the team’s very existence being born from the poison seed of theft from Seattle, but… Gradients!? GRADIENTS!? A grey-to-grey-gradient? Why, on God’s green earth, is Nike fucking so hard with Grey, a color, not even a color, a SHADE, that has inspired exactly no people, ever? They like grey so much that they put TWO DIFFERENT KINDS of grey in this piece of garbage, and subtly mixed the two greys so that there would be nearly infinite manifestations of grey betweens the main greys. This jersey is seeking the limits of grey itself, the deepest grey, the grey at the edge of our understanding of grey.

WASHINGTON:

All the chocolate staining potential of the Chicago jersey, none of the evocative shit. These are maybe, low key, the worst one.

ATLANTA:

This evokes bees, not Hawks. Would someone please put feather texturing on these jerseys, like the world has been demanding all these years?

DETROIT:

These say “Motor City” but do not feature any pictures of cars, which I love because, like I said earlier, they are fast and they make loud noises. The move here was an updated version of the mid 90’s Grant-Hill vroom vroom firehorse, but Nike isn’t listening to good sense!

GOD ONLY KNOWS:

WOLVES:

Look, i’ve talked a lot of shit on Grey, which is Nike’s favorite color right now I guess, but I can accept it here. Minny winters are insanely grey, wolves are grey, this all makes thematic sense. But also: good god grey is ugly. Don’t wear grey!

MAVERICKS:

These are bad but they’re like so bad that I think they almost fly around the moon and become good again? They are a bad uniform that lives somewhere out of time, a look that has never been cool in any era, but in that fact I think they gain a kind of integrity. There’s a possibility that, someday, in 2067 or some shit, these will have been regarded at an innovative step forward in jersey aesthetics, even if we think they’re hideous now. Cop them and freeze dry to sell in the future.

WARRIORS:

That shade of yellow is hideous but the logo is cool? “The Bay” is some real San Francisco bullshit though, one of those subtle org-wide attempts to separate the team from Oakland before they strip the city of the team and move them to rich-ass tech boi SF in a few years.

MEMPHIS:

Honestly I feel weird writing snarky, mildly absurdist jokes about a jersey that is based on signs from a famous workers rights struggle. While I guess I respect Grizzlies celebrating a monumental protest with their unis, the fact that they were designed and manufactured by Nike, a company with a workers rights record that is spotty at best, goes a long way to defanging the allusion. Capitalism: it’s everywhere and it’s amoral!

SUNS:

EXTREMELY PURPLE. Purple is my favorite color and I honestly admire how purple these are, while also wondering… how purple is too purple?

PELICANS:

These are also Purple.

BLAZERS:

Every other Portland fan hates these things, which makes sense because they live in the world capital of streetwear snobbery. I think they’re fine. The plaid is totally unnecessary. If I was making these bad boys, I think I would stick a fat-ass salmon on there, personally. I also think that the mascot should be replaced with a salmon.

HORNETS:

I don’t even know, man. If it were up to me, I would make them play in a white jersey with a fat-ass picture of Michael Jordan’s smiling face on the front, and anything else will just seem incomplete to me.

NUGGETS:

Nice shade of blue. Fun stripes. Otherwise: whatever.

Okay I did it, this is every uniform. Back to tracking down every last piece of information I can collect and Baron + Laura. Where do they like to go to dinner, you think?

A Comprehensive Review Every New NBA ‘City’ Uniform syndicated from http://ift.tt/2ug2Ns6

[flauntpage]

A Comprehensive Review Every New NBA 'City' Uniform

The biggest NBA news of the day is that Baron Davis and Laura Dern are dating, but the second biggest news is that Nike Released their designs for every NBA team’s “City” alternate jersey, which are jerseys inspired by cities or some shit. I looked at them and wrote about them, like a normal sports blogger does.

GOOD:

CHICAGO:

It’s the flag, and it’s a nice flag everyone is very fond of. I am worried about players spilling chocolate on their unis, though. That would be very embarrassing, I think, to walk around with a big ol’ chocolate stain on your nice white uniform. High risk, high reward play, here.

PACERS:

It has a checkered flag, like a race car. I like race cars. I like that they go vroom vroom very fast.

CLIPPERS:

Look I don’t know what the fuck is has to do with boats, or why the team is wearing Miami Dolphins colors, but teal is an NBA power color and you have to respect any team that dons it.

BUCKS:

Eggshell tones baby! Perfect for the river-yacht or a chilly, fire-lit library, with a tasteful stripe down the middle to bring it all together. This is the midwestern thinking man’s alternate jersey. Also they say “CREAM CITY” on the bottom, which is where I live, work and play, spiritually.

MAGIC:

If you don’t like these, you need to smoke more weed. One time I was EXTREMELY blitzed off THC drops at the Hiram M. Chittenden Locks in the Ballard neighborhood of Seattle, Washington, and I spent like ten minutes in the gift shop, looking at the t-shirts they were selling. I thought the drawing was really nice and for a hot second I thought, damn I need one of these motherfuckers REAL bad but then my good brain, not my stoned brain, kicked in and way like “Hey Corbin, man, you’re probably too stoned to make this purchase, this shirt isn’t that nice dude.” Anyway, if I was still using, and I encountered this jersey in that state, I would HAVE to buy the Bismack Biyombo manifestation of this jersey, just spend whatever obscene amounts of money was requested of me, and regret the purchase in a very true and real way while also savoring my stoned wisdom in that time. This jersey rules.

SPURS:

I get that, as a left leaning-dude, I’m expected to hate black and white Spurs-branded digi-camo. But by making the camo black and white, it goes BEYOND a tribute-to-the-troops and turns a bunch of dudes who plays a game for a living into members of a private mercenary gang that kills its enemies with hoops. Watching capital inadvertently debase the world spanning military colossus that keeps it in power is kinda funny, I think it’s good.

SIXERS:

EXTRAORDINARILY classy font! Finally, the play of Joel Embiid is being recognized for what it is: a luxury product, grander than any wine, any gold topped chocolate bon bon, any gentle scented oil, rubbed into your back by the world’s strongest and most skilled masseuse.

ROCKETS:

At first glance, it’s maybe a little weird that the Rockets have Chinese writing on a jersey that is meant to celebrate the city of Houston, a city where most people speak English. But, clearly, this is the harbinger of the future for the franchise, which is going to move to Beijing as soon as possible. What’s my source? THAT’s my source buddy! BEIJING ROCKETS 2018-19, DON’T TRY TO HIDE FROM IT!

UTAH:

Evokes the 70s, cocaine. Maravich belongs in this jersey.

KINGS:

The Basketball is a Lion King. He will stand above all other balls and roar, and the other balls will bow at his might until, one day, he is killed by another basketball, his brother who is also a basketball. His son, a basketball as well, will get revenge and take his place on the mountain, though.

BROOKLYN:

It’s a Nets Jersey. It’s black and white and it looks nice. Not everything needs to shatter molds.

MIAMI:

I wanna make a joke, but what, I’m made of stone?

KNICKS:

I like firefighters and no one can say otherwise.

BAD:

CELTICS:

You guys aren’t gonna believe this, but the Celtics have a boring looking alternate jersey to compliment their boring looking regular jersey. Features grey. More on that later. We are living in the wildest possible times.

LAKERS:

Kobe Bryant designed these. They’re supposed to look like snakes, because Kobe branded himself as a snake. Kobe spending his retirement trying a bunch of sports-adjacent shit he’s not good at and getting deferrence because he is Kobe Bryant, The Player Who Scored A Lot, is maybe the most embarrassing shit I’ve ever seen a professional athlete do. It would be less embarrassing if he was posting videos where people pissed in his mouth or making sly pro-Trump allusions to reporters or taking 125th place in Scrabble tournaments.

CAVS:

It is, I think, truly stunning how terrible these things are. They are, first, off, grey. You know, grey? The color of cloudy days and paved over fields? The color that only looks good on dads, while they swing hammers or pick up their children, or whatever? And then, the only color that REALLY compliments grey, which is yellow. You know. Like a paved road, that thing everyone thinks has a cool color? I mean who can blame Nike, I suppose, when LeBron James, the world’s most famous athlete, is the human being who is your most prominent non-Jordan pitchman, you gotta put him in the ugliest shit imaginable

OKC:

Honestly, It’s impressive how awful these are, soup-to-nuts. No one who made this had even one good idea they put into the final product. Every OKC jersey is bad, of course, on account of the team’s very existence being born from the poison seed of theft from Seattle, but… Gradients!? GRADIENTS!? A grey-to-grey-gradient? Why, on God’s green earth, is Nike fucking so hard with Grey, a color, not even a color, a SHADE, that has inspired exactly no people, ever? They like grey so much that they put TWO DIFFERENT KINDS of grey in this piece of garbage, and subtly mixed the two greys so that there would be nearly infinite manifestations of grey betweens the main greys. This jersey is seeking the limits of grey itself, the deepest grey, the grey at the edge of our understanding of grey.

WASHINGTON:

All the chocolate staining potential of the Chicago jersey, none of the evocative shit. These are maybe, low key, the worst one.

ATLANTA:

This evokes bees, not Hawks. Would someone please put feather texturing on these jerseys, like the world has been demanding all these years.

DETROIT:

These say “Motor City” but do not feature any pictures of cars, which I love because, like I said earlier, they are fast and they make loud noises. The move here was an updated version of the mid 90’s Grant-Hill vroom vroom firehorse, but Nike isn’t listening to good sense!

GOD ONLY KNOWS:

WOLVES:

Look, I’ve talked a lot of shit on Grey, which is Nike’s favorite color right now I guess, but I can accept it here. Minny winters are insanely grey, wolves are grey, this all makes thematic sense. But also: good god grey is ugly. Don’t wear grey!

MAVERICKS:

These are bad but they’re like so bad that I think they almost fly around the moon and become good again? They are a bad uniform that lives somewhere out of time, a look that has never been cool in any era, but in that fact I think they gain a kind of integrity. There’s a possibility that, someday, in 2067 or some shit, these will have been regarded at an innovative step forward in jersey aesthetics, even if we think they’re hideous now. Cop them and freeze dry to sell in the future.

WARRIORS:

That shade of yellow is hideous but the logo is cool? “The Bay” is some real San Francisco bullshit though, one of those subtle org-wide attempts to separate the team from Oakland before they strip the city of the team and move them to rich-ass tech boi SF in a few years.

MEMPHIS:

Honestly I feel weird writing snarky, mildly absurdist jokes about a jersey that is based on signs from a famous workers rights struggle. While I guess I respect Grizzlies celebrating a monumental protest with their unis, the fact that they were designed and manufactured by Nike, a company with a workers rights record that is spotty at best, goes a long way to defanging the allusion. Capitalism: it’s everywhere and it’s amoral!

SUNS:

EXTREMELY PURPLE. Purple is my favorite color and I honestly admire how purple these are, while also wondering… how purple is too purple?

PELICANS:

These are also Purple.

BLAZERS:

Every other Portland fan hates these things, which makes sense because they live in the world capital of streetwear snobbery. I think they’re fine. The plaid is totally unnecessary. If I was making these bad boys, I think I would stick a fat-ass salmon on there, personally. I also think that the mascot should be replaced with a salmon.

HORNETS:

I don’t even know, man. If it were up to me, I would make them play in a white jersey with a fat-ass picture of Michael Jordan’s smiling face on the front, and anything else will just seem incomplete to me.

RAPTORS:

Finally a uniform that tells sports fans: “Hey: my face is up here. I know my body is chugging away down here, but the soul is in the face, and that’s where a person’s TRUE MEANING can be found. Geeze louise.”

NUGGETS:

Nice shade of blue. Fun stripes. Otherwise: whatever.

Okay I did it, this is every uniform. Back to tracking down every last piece of information I can collect and Baron + Laura. Where do they like to go to dinner, you think?

A Comprehensive Review Every New NBA 'City' Uniform published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

[flauntpage]

A Comprehensive Review Every New NBA 'City' Uniform

The biggest NBA news of the day is that Baron Davis and Laura Dern are dating, but the second biggest news is that Nike Released their designs for every NBA team’s “City” alternate jersey, which are jerseys inspired by cities or some shit. I looked at them and wrote about them, like a normal sports blogger does.

GOOD:

CHICAGO:

It’s the flag, and it’s a nice flag everyone if very fond of. I am worried about players spilling chocolate on their unis, though. That would be very embarrassing, I think, to walk around with a big ol’ chocolate stain on your nice white uniform. High risk, high reward play, here.

PACERS:

It has a checkered flag, like a race car. I like race cars. I like that they go vroom vroom very fast.

CLIPPERS:

Look I don’t know what the fuck is has to do with boats, or why the team is wearing Miami Dolphins colors, but teal is an NBA power color and you have to respect any team that dons it.

BUCKS:

Eggshell tones baby! Perfect for the river-yacht or a chilly, fire-lit library, with a tasteful stripe down the middle to bring it all together. This is the midwestern thinking man’s alternate jersey. Also they say “CREAM CITY” on the bottom, which is where I live, work and play, spiritually.

MAGIC:

If you don’t like these, you need to smoke more weed. One time I was EXTREMELY blitzed off THC drops at the Hiram M. Chittenden Locks in the Ballard neighborhood of Seattle, Washington, and I spent like ten minutes in the gift shop, looking at the t-shirts they were selling. I thought the drawing was really nice and for a hot second I thought, damn I need one of these motherfuckers REAL bad but then my good brain, not my stoned brain, kicked in and way like “Hey Corbin, man, you’re probably too stoned to make this purchase, this shirt isn’t that nice dude.” Anyway, if I was still using, and I encountered this jersey in that state, I would HAVE to buy the Bismack Biyombo manifestation of this jersey, just spend whatever obscene amounts of money was requested of me, and regret the purchase in a very true and real way while also savoring my stoned wisdom in that time. This jersey rules.

SPURS:

I get that, as a left leaning-dude, I’m expected to hate black and white Spurs-branded digi-camo. But by making the camo black and white, it goes BEYOND a tribute-to-the-troops and turns a bunch of dudes who plays a game for a living into members of a private mercenary gang that kills its enemies with hoops. Watching capital inadvertently debase the world spanning military colossus that keeps it in power is kinda funny, I think it’s good.

UTAH:

Evokes the 70s, cocaine. Maravich belongs in this jersey.

KINGS:

The Basketball is a Lion King. He will stand above all other balls and roar, and the other balls will bow at his might until, one day, he is killed by another basketball, his brother who is also a basketball. His son, a basketball as well, will get revenge and take his place on the mountain, though.

BROOKLYN:

It’s a Nets Jersey. It’s black and white and it looks nice. Not everything needs to shatter molds.

MIAMI:

I wanna make a joke, but what, I’m made of stone?

KNICKS:

I like firefighters and no one can say otherwise.

BAD:

CELTICS:

You guys aren’t gonna believe this, but the Celtics have a boring looking alternate jersey to compliment their boring looking regular jersey. Features grey. More on that later. We are living in the wildest possible times.

LAKERS:

Kobe Bryant designed these. They’re supposed to look like snakes, because Kobe branded himself as a snake. Kobe spending his retirement trying a bunch of sports-adjacent shit he’s not good at and getting deferrence because he is Kobe Bryant, The Player Who Scored A Lot, is maybe the most embarrassing shit I’ve ever seen a professional athlete do. It would be less embarrassing if he was posting videos where people pissed in his mouth or making sly pro-Trump allusions to reporters or taking 125th place in Scrabble tournaments.

CAVS:

It is, I think, truly stunning how terrible these things are. They are, first, off, grey. You know, grey? The color of cloudy days and paved over fields? The color that only looks good on dads, while they swing hammers or pick up their children, or whatever? And then, the only color that REALLY compliments grey, which is yellow. You know. Like a paved road, that thing everyone thinks has a cool color? I mean who can blame Nike, I suppose, when LeBron James, the world’s most famous athlete, is the human being who is your most prominent non-Jordan pitchman, you gotta put him in the ugliest shit imaginable

OKC:

Honestly, It’s impressive how awful these are, soup-to-nuts. No one who made this had even one good idea they put into the final product. Every OKC jersey is bad, of course, on account of the team’s very existence being born from the poison seed of theft from Seattle, but… Gradients!? GRADIENTS!? A grey-to-grey-gradient? Why, on God’s green earth, is Nike fucking so hard with Grey, a color, not even a color, a SHADE, that has inspired exactly no people, ever? They like grey so much that they put TWO DIFFERENT KINDS of grey in this piece of garbage, and subtly mixed the two greys so that there would be nearly infinite manifestations of grey betweens the main greys. This jersey is seeking the limits of grey itself, the deepest grey, the grey at the edge of our understanding of grey.

WASHINGTON:

All the chocolate staining potential of the Chicago jersey, none of the evocative shit. These are maybe, low key, the worst one.

ATLANTA:

This evokes bees, not Hawks. Would someone please put feather texturing on these jerseys, like the world has been demanding all these years?

DETROIT:

These say “Motor City” but do not feature any pictures of cars, which I love because, like I said earlier, they are fast and they make loud noises. The move here was an updated version of the mid 90’s Grant-Hill vroom vroom firehorse, but Nike isn’t listening to good sense!

GOD ONLY KNOWS:

WOLVES:

Look, i’ve talked a lot of shit on Grey, which is Nike’s favorite color right now I guess, but I can accept it here. Minny winters are insanely grey, wolves are grey, this all makes thematic sense. But also: good god grey is ugly. Don’t wear grey!

MAVERICKS:

These are bad but they’re like so bad that I think they almost fly around the moon and become good again? They are a bad uniform that lives somewhere out of time, a look that has never been cool in any era, but in that fact I think they gain a kind of integrity. There’s a possibility that, someday, in 2067 or some shit, these will have been regarded at an innovative step forward in jersey aesthetics, even if we think they’re hideous now. Cop them and freeze dry to sell in the future.

WARRIORS:

That shade of yellow is hideous but the logo is cool? “The Bay” is some real San Francisco bullshit though, one of those subtle org-wide attempts to separate the team from Oakland before they strip the city of the team and move them to rich-ass tech boi SF in a few years.

MEMPHIS:

Honestly I feel weird writing snarky, mildly absurdist jokes about a jersey that is based on signs from a famous workers rights struggle. While I guess I respect Grizzlies celebrating a monumental protest with their unis, the fact that they were designed and manufactured by Nike, a company with a workers rights record that is spotty at best, goes a long way to defanging the allusion. Capitalism: it’s everywhere and it’s amoral!

SUNS:

EXTREMELY PURPLE. Purple is my favorite color and I honestly admire how purple these are, while also wondering… how purple is too purple?

PELICANS:

These are also Purple.

BLAZERS:

Every other Portland fan hates these things, which makes sense because they live in the world capital of streetwear snobbery. I think they’re fine. The plaid is totally unnecessary. If I was making these bad boys, I think I would stick a fat-ass salmon on there, personally. I also think that the mascot should be replaced with a salmon.

HORNETS:

I don’t even know, man. If it were up to me, I would make them play in a white jersey with a fat-ass picture of Michael Jordan’s smiling face on the front, and anything else will just seem incomplete to me.

NUGGETS:

Nice shade of blue. Fun stripes. Otherwise: whatever.

Okay I did it, this is every uniform. Back to tracking down every last piece of information I can collect and Baron + Laura. Where do they like to go to dinner, you think?

A Comprehensive Review Every New NBA 'City' Uniform published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv