#and they don't even pay. they must be fucking delusional bc what.

[james-stark-the-writer]

have to submit my work to a literary magazine for a class as a requirement and it turns out there's like. 2 magazines that would even read my story (it's a Gothic/religious horror short story with a pretty gory ending). and also, writing an author bio for yourself is actually the worst fucking thing in the world.

[keyotosprompts]

not easy to please ⋆⭒˚｡⋆

alternatives to popular tropes

⇴ siblings's worst enemy

they're your sibling's enemy, so of course they're yours too. they're despicable and you seriously want them dead. luckily for you, the feeling's mutual.

⇴ struggling ceo and their know-it-all office worker

how did this mf become the ceo of one of the most progressive countries in the world?? they're clueless and you're the one that has to fix all their mistakes. you seriously don't get paid enough for this (unless they can come up with another way to pay you).

⇴ marriage of inconvenience

what happens in vegas stays in vegas. except when you've signed an official marriage contract, and everything is so much more complicated before. now this person is stuck with you until you can divorce! (or will you?)

⇴ forbidden hate

your parents absolutely adore the idea of the two of you together. they have wedding pinterest boards, future plans, and baby names for the two of you. only one thing: you two kinda hate each other, and hell would have to freeze over before you'd ever get with them.

⇴ no more second chances

sorry dude! f'ed up really bad the first time, and now you're not giving anymore chances, and your ex has to deal with the consequences. one problem: they can't deal with the consequences bc they're literally in love with you. hm. just what will this person do to get you back?

⇴ not so secret identity

everyone knows who they are. not even the old mask and hat trick could prevent people from identifying them. and it's fine–they absolutely bask in the fame. one problem though: they're a constant target to the entire world. perfect!

⇴ separated from each other

they never get any alone time. alone together in an elevator? too bad, a party of ten just showed up, pushing the two of you on the opposite side of the elevator. finally alone at home? nope! unfortunately, your friends make a surprise visit! oh how will you two ever get past this?

⇴ "you deserved it."

a normal person would've asked "who did this to you?" except your bond is not normal. not in the slightest. i mean seriously, what does this person want from you?

⇴ "i can't have you, so i'll let someone else take my place."

they know that they're not good enough for you, and that you deserve someone better than them. so, they choose to let you go, and hope that someone else can make your world light up like they used to

⇴ the one that is still here

everywhere you go, this person is there. whether it's physically, mentally, or spiritually, everything ties back to them. everything reminds you of them. you couldn't even escape if you tried.

⇴ playboy but he's actually a nerd that cannot get play

he's gorgeous–he's the most attractive man you think you've ever seen in your life. you think he's probably got it all–girls or boys coming up to him nonstop. only, that's not true in the slightest. somehow, he's managed to fumble every single time.

⇴ nobody wants the bad boy

he's troubled. there are rumors of him starting fights 24/7, and he lives in a bad area. he could really fuck someone up. nobody wants him.

⇴ "you must be delusional"

lovers that know that they're in love with each other, but when admitting it to their friends, they shut down their feelings.

⇴ loving someone to save them

none of that breaking up nonsense. love is power. their love and support causes you to be stronger than ever. knowing that there's love out there gives you a reason to keep on going. love saves you.

⇴ too smart to live

you've outdone yourself this time. bypassed every guard, rule, and law without anyone catching you. so, of course, there's only one solution here: to eliminate you.

⇴ different worlds (revised)

you grew up poor while they grew up rich. now, in the present, you are the more successful one, while they are struggling to get their life together. now, you must help the one who used to be in your current position, and fix things together.

⇴ one-sided blind date

rule one of having a blind date: you should not know who you're meeting. well, too late! you sneaked a peek at your friend's phone and found out who you'll be seeing soon. now, you're scrambling to get out of this date because you know exactly who it is.

[pretty-volatile]

Tuesday, October 1, 2024 6:14 am

I haven't posted in a looongg time lol. There's quite a bit to catch up on. Um firstly yay, October! My favorite holiday is coming up! And my 9 year anniversary with my amazing partner ❤️🍾🥂🌹🎉 but also, lol one of trauma times is coming up and actual Halloween does have a trauma past too, but I've moved on enough/dissociated that enough that I don't have current play by play memory of it, just the facts, of both traumas. But it's something to keep in mind to make sure no one gets triggered out in a negative way.

Okay so here's to the juicy part of this .......what if ......it was OSDDID the whole time????? Just hear me out okay......

Autism: okay yes, we have it, and it may have even contributed to the osddid tbh. But like once I started to pay attention to our ism, I think we were addressing the negative symptoms that some of the alters were experiencing/made it less likely to dissociate/switch/shutdown etc. therefore those alters feel heard/accommodated that we don't feel those as much/they don't influence as much. Obvsly autism applies to the whole collective (we call it that), but some alters can hold more or less traits/symptoms. Also sometimes the stimming feels like it's our little (v autistic) and teen that def has ADHD.

ADHD: do we all experience ADHD like our teen does? Hmm I'm not sure, I feel though the possibility that a lot of my executive dysfunction is more related to there being no communication betweens us and being able to remember what it is that we need to do or needing certain alters to do certain tasks/chores/responsibilities/areas of focus. But like it's cool that we see the usefulness of hyperfixations/positive obsessions that can bring someone out that needs to get shit done.

BPD: not all of us deal with BPD traits. It seems to be concentrated in relationship alters/sexual alters/trauma holders. There's def one maybe two that we can think of right away that this applies to. But the self harm etc def applies to persecutor/abuser introject. Fp obsessions can also be mostly attributed to a certain body queen after that also seems to be a sexual alter/relationship trauma holders that need someone new to latch on to

Bipolar w/ psychosis: alright this one's gonna be hard but head me out okay....our strong moods were attached to a certain way of thinking, behaving, our perspective on things, likes/interests, and it would always change with stress and with trauma and when we didn't keep up a routine, these things can also be explained by us alters.....and my psychosis, while I def have hallucinated and I have experienced delusional thinking, but also ....the hallucinations and the delusions had more to do with not feeling like the world around is real (derealization) or feeling like I'm not real or like this isn't my body (depersonalization), and some of my delusions could also be explained by other alters and being confused while fronting because they were also experiencing dpdr......

OCD: def struggle with obsessions and compulsions, However, starting to wonder is ocd was more just a defense barrier to discovering that we're a collective...like some intrusive thoughts could be an alter in the headspace, And some could be intrusive thoughts of that after but a diff alter is fronting so they can ignore it bc it's not theirs but if co-con or co fronting then it can affect both. But a lot of intrusive thoughts about things that we've fucked up on and it's basically probably an alter reminding the other alters to not fuck up again bc it's important to keep things cohesive and consistent and if we must double check triple check everything that's done so it's done right so we don't have to explain why we don't fucking remember what happened or why we did something because there amnesia between us sometimes and it takes a whole for information to boot up. But it's also like our OCD kept guiding us in other directions(diagnoses) that did address some alters' concerns without acknowledging that it belonged to a particular alter's concern or that we're a collective etc

Eating disorder: a lot of this is tied to the physical neglect we went through and we're fairly certain that a certain alters, maybe the little, is the one that does the eating, and the rest of us dissociate the need in order to survive bc we have tummy issues sometimes and don't always have enough food or time to eat or other alters don't like how stomach feels after eating and have to move around a lot. Usually have to smoke weed in order to bring out the hunger signals and the alter so we can eat. We're so proud of ourselves in our expansion of foods we eat that we wouldn't have eaten before meeting our partner. But also a lot of the discomfort with the body came from trauma, but also depersonalization/dysmorphia/dysphoria(gender too) that came with it....hard when the body doesn't match with how an alter looks in headspace. Hard not to take it out in the body when the body has been so often critiqued, objectified, perceived by others when we do not wish it.

cPTSD: well this is a no brainer, if you have ongoing trauma/abuse, that's gonna cause cPTSD and if you have it at a young enough age, you're gonna get osddid. So I mean, we know this to be a fact

Dyslexia/dysgraphia: feeling dissociative when trying to focus and be present but also math and writing is so often associated with school and school of course required certain alters/split to trauma holders so can't remember all that right now. Also sometimes gonna have messy handwriting when there's a lot going on in headspace that can't always translate to the external wold

Dissociative amnesia: ADHD time blindness? Or in dissociative trance? Or unable to remember what another alter did/thought/felt/reasonings for so or not feeling emotionally connected with it between diff alters? Sometimes can remember things, sometimes can't, sometimes can remember as simply a fact but not necessarily something that they did their self

Denial: sometimes it's so easy to accept all this and it just makes sense and we've been like this the whole time but we're always scared of being wrong --> punishment so it's hard to accept sometimes. Also it's like in headspace and when high, it's like well duh we're multiple, but when some of us try to talk out loud high or not, it's really hard to accept because another alter makes us think we're crazy and we feel guilt and shame and embarrassed and it can feel like hot steel blade in our throat and like we physically can't talk about or like the dyslexia thing happens were shit gets jarbled up

Dreams and affect on sleep?: diff alters have diff themes that they dream and some of us don't dream/don't remember ours/experience someone else's dream. Recognition of what scenario one is in has lead to lucid experiences almost always. Though interesting to note, not sure if alters seen each other in dreams, sometimes is like one is watching the others as a movie or like they're in a VR (lucid dreaming). Types of dreams and how we wake up/who it is that's front when we wake up can kinda change the trajectory of the day. There are some days when an alter goes to sleep, a diff alter dreams, the other alters has no recollection when startled awake and it feels like that alter didn't sleep but also may not necessarily feel tired. Or certain dreams feel so real or so exhausting that we're so tired and keep falling back asleep cause it feels like we didn't rest

We've been contemplating whether we're multiple/plural for a while now, since at least 2019, and it came back to our awareness back in fall of 2023. For a while it was like, is this just a delusion? Is it the ocd? And it hasn't gone away and things are starting to click and we're kinda starting to get to know each other more/communicate in whatever way we can with the minimal awareness we have

It feels scary but incredible at the same time to acknowledge this, and we've been paying attention to the dissociation more kinda. It's hard to write and this is long enough.

Talk to you later,

Alex

[nathank77]

5/23/24

10:04 p.m Added to/Edited

You know what sucks about wearing glasses? When you need to look to your side. You got to turn your whole head bc you see nose pads and it distorts your view. And the way my living room is set up, I have to turn my whole head to look at my mother.

Also she talks so much. I have no room to speak. It's hard being around her. I want to be here and I want to be around her. I just wish I got to talk about what I'm going through. I wish she wasn't drunk 24/7.

I'm still considering throwing out my glasses. I mean and maybe I should cancel my ENT appt. I'm not wearing hearing aids unless I get a gf who doesn't care about it. I got to go to the gym get muscular and get tighter shirts/show off my body.

A lot of bald guys are muscular cause girls won't look passed the baldness. I mean maybe that's what I should do. Toss out the glasses, get muscular and overcompensate for my bald head. I won't be able to see right or hear right... but I got to attract someone..

I know that my chances to find someone are less for 3 reasons:

1) I'm short....... it's delusional to not think a lot of women won't give me a chance due to my height.

2) I'm balding/bald... so I mean- some women don't mind the combination... but a short bald guys it's not a plus.

3) I have glasses and I mean I'm the type of person who is immediately unattracted to women with glasses. Idk why but I don't like glasses. I don't find them attractive and I'm not the only one. Idc if she looks good with them. I don't like them. Wear contacts and only wear glasses when your eyes are irritated.

4) if I get hearing aids I'm never going to find a girl if I wear them. Not with all these factors....

What's can I do to attract women?

1) get muscular and wear tighter more professional clothes to show it off. I can look really good in a polo.

2) throw out the nerd wear aka my glasses and look immediately cooler. And more attractive and not deter the girls who aren't attracted to them... even if I can't see.

3) not get my hearing aids. Cause no girl is going to date me the way I am with these added to the whole package...

What can I do now?

-Not get buff it takes time. Getting new clothes takes times and money. Both do. I got to work out and spend money on both and it's going to be a few months at least before I get the aesthetic look.

- All I can do now is throw away my glasses and not get my hearing aids as I work on my body.

- I can't get taller. I can't get less bald. I mean maybe when I get my back pay I can consider a wig and some tattoos. To attract women.

- the real me isn't cutting it. Imma be alone for fucking ever. And I got to sell myself being trans and having mental illnesses and being on disability....

- I mean I have no desire to have bottom surgery and some girls won't be okay with that. I like my trans dick. It's small but useful. I can have multiple orgasms so I mean 🤷

- Certain things I can't change but other things I can and I must cause there are cute girls on okcupid but they never swipe right on me. And I know it's one of the reasons I listed above...

- And once I get a cute girl to swipe right, one of my flaws will make that girl dip out cause she won't be okay with me being trans or she won't be okay with me being on disability or something.