#and they are each other's safe places whenever they feel like they're huge disappointments

[aloneinthehellfire]

Hello i am back again to debunk any myths surrounding an eddie x y/n endgame AND I HAVE ANOTHER EXAMPLE this has become my life, I-

Okayyyyy so everyone who absolutely LIVES for steve x y/n scenes will remember that in RH2 y/n takes him to find gifts for nancy and he's like 'why do girls prefer actions over words' or smthing like that and y/n replies 'actually i prefer words over actions'

BUT in RH1 when she's feeling sad after basically being called a whore (i hate you tommy and carol) she kisses eddie after he confesses love or whatever because she thinks AND I QUOTE 'after all, actions speak louder than words'

I genuinely think y/n wasn't ever truly comfortable in their relationship like she loved him for sure but there were a lot of unecessary things she would force herself out of her comfort zone for.

It wouldn't have worked between them in the end bc eventhought they're so similar in many ways, their love languages feel so different.

I am an eddie x y/n PLATONIC shipper only and this is the hill I will die on.

*end scene*

...

the eddie stans ain't gonna like this one but it's the truth-

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

I've been struggling a lot with anxiety and depression about COVID. Only one person in my immediate family still regularly wears a mask, and even my friends and significant other don't often wear them. I feel like the most I've been able to do is continue to try to model good practice by masking most of the time, but I don't directly address the issue with anyone. I wonder sometimes if I should be distancing myself from friends and family that don't mask. I've felt really alone and hurt, because it seems like people don't care about making spaces safe for people who are immunocompromised. The most hope I get is from seeing people around me at the grocery store and on public transport who still mask. I've felt especially deep disappointment in the church, because I thought we were supposed to take care of each other and take care of those who society marginalizes, but so many people there have stopped masking too. I also feel a lot of anxiety that *I'm* not doing enough. Do you have any place you draw hope / comfort from when it comes to COVID issues? (I know this message is a lot of anxious thoughts, so no worries if you aren't able to respond.)

Ach anon, I'm sorry for the delay; this hits very close to home. I am with you in your frustration, your sense of isolation, your lament. This got really long, so my TL;DR is this prayer:

The Body of Christ has COVID.

The Body of Christ is immunocompromised.

Blessed are they who cannot go to church, because to do so would risk their health and lives, for God hears their grief; God holds them in their loneliness; God treasures their worship wherever it takes place.

Blessed are they who keep on masking — even when it feels useless, even when facing mockery or pressure — for theirs is the Kin-dom where the last are first, the oppressed are lifted high.

Blessed are they who mourn and rage against unjust systems, for they will be given the courage and strength they need to join God's revolution.

___

Now the long response. I feel your pain — especially your disappointment with faith communities that stopped requiring masks long ago — for so many of us (and it really is so many of us, even if distance and silence makes it easy for each person to feel like they're the only person hurt, the only person who gives a damn), that's been just the latest bead in a long string of disillusionment at human iterations of Church.

How indeed can we claim to follow the one who makes his home among those the world calls "least," when we fail the bare minimum steps at ensuring such people can at the very least enter our spaces without risking their health and lives??

It's a stark reminder that the Church as a human institution =/= the Body of Christ — and sadly, in fact, often makes itself hostile to that Body. We are called to prioritize, to center, to treat with greatest honor those parts of the Body that are most vulnerable (1 Cor 12).

It's no wonder so many of us end up seeking spiritual homes outside Church, when Church tends to center the very opposite kinds of people. Meanwhile, others stay, calling Church out for these failings and calling Church into a better way. (I personally find myself on a tightrope between those two options — taking frequent breaks from capital C Church to find spiritual nourishment beyond it, and to fuel myself to step back in and keep calling for that better way, as many times as it takes.)

___

I wish I had more comfort to offer, places I find encouragement. I'm definitely with you that seeing others masking out and about is huge balm to my soul. It's so easy to feel utterly alone in this, but we aren't! There are others who care, who are dong their small part, and it does matter!

...But mostly I just have shared lament — which is the soul's outcry that this is not how things are meant to be:

"[Lament is] an innate awareness that what is should not be. As if something is written on our hearts that tells us exactly what we are meant for, and whenever confronted with something contrary to this, we experience a crumbling. And in the rubble, we say, God, you promised. We ask, Why?" - Cole Arthur Riley, This Here Flesh

Make space for lament. Hold on to the truth that this really is not how things are meant to be, that God has promised something better — and that therefore, something better is coming! It is unfolding right now, every time one small person, one small community, chooses to believe that a better world is possible, and acts on that belief.

This truth in a better world is not shallow progressivism, the idea that the future will automatically be better than the past — we can look around and see how false that is! Assuming that things will just magically work themselves out lulls us into passivity.

No, this is a truth with teeth, with a loud voice, with feet and hands ready to join the Spirit's movement in making the arc of the universe bend towards justice, dammit, because it sure as hell won't bend that way by itself.

___

...Whoops, I'm rambling far beyond just masking lol— but the failure to keep masking seems like such a stark example of everything that is holding us back from justice that it's hard for me not to start thinking bigger!

When it comes to masking, you are doing your part. It's our wider communities that are failing — and I don't just mean individuals within those communities.

When I find my rage and despair about COVID directing itself towards individuals — whether that's churchgoers and colleagues, or close friends, or strangers I pass at the store — I try to remind myself that my anger and lament are better directed towards whole systems that are keeping us trapped in this horrific cycle of intentional ignorance or despair and isolation.

It's absolutely okay to feel hurt and frustrated by loved ones who don't hear us when we ask for their support. It does hurt! I wish it were easier to convince people to just wear a dang mask! And also, at some point we have to focus on what powers hold them captive, influencing their decision to go about their day as if COVID isn't still happening.

Why have people stopped masking — if they ever masked at all? Who profits when misinformation runs rampant? when people isolate for a couple days tops before heading back to work, still sick with a potentially disabling or deadly disease? when elderly and immunocompromised people, and people shoved away into nursing homes and prisons, and immigrants, etc. are left to die of COVID in private as everyone else goes about their day in a public with no room for such people?

And most of all, who profits when everyone feels so helpless about it all, resigned to COVID continuing far into the future, that they decide there's no point in them being the "only ones" to keep masking?

This isn't the post to carry on about those systems lol, but I do want to briefly name them so that no one can misinterpret what I'm saying into some conspiracy theory:

I'm talking about capitalism and fascism, about neoliberalism and nationalism and hyper-individualism. The systems that have allowed billionaires to become even richer during a global pandemic; that have allowed politicians to gain further control with an anti-vax agenda or by blaming one foreign entity or another for all our troubles; that have keep everyday people so exhausted and isolated and feeling so helpless that they don't have the time or energy to research fact over falsehood, or to take even small steps to protect themselves people they care about.

The failure to mask is a symptom — a major, deadly symptom, but just a symptom nevertheless — of the oppressive forces holding us all captive. I honestly don't know if remembering that just leads to more anger and grief, or whether it can motivate us to keep fighting those bigger evils. I think for me it depends on the day.

Sometimes I have a little despair session; I rant and rage against anyone and everything.

Then I pull myself out of that despair — or, more often, I allow someone to pull me out of it, with a suggestion for one tiny way I can make a change.

___

Sorry this is so long. Not sure how helpful it was, but I am with you, anon. I feel and respect all you are feeling.

And I'm so grateful for your continued masking, even when it feels like you're the only person left doing it — you're not, and it's not useless. Maybe someone who sees you masking will think about pulling a mask back on themselves; or even just that they're overdue for their next COVID booster. Maybe someone will see you and remember that some people do care about chronically ill people like them.

Keep on going; you are not alone. Solidarity forever <3

[sneales]

Hi there!

I'm a big fan of your writing! I love how you characterize characters. They're all very different from each other and they seem very in character! If you don't mind, may I request Gojo, Nanami, Yuji and Megumi and how they'd be on the day of their first date with their s/o who they've been Pining after for so long? Or maybe how they'd be like the day of their wedding?

💘GOJO, NANAMI, YUJI AND MEGUMI ON THEIR FIRST DATE AND WEDDING DAY + HEADCANONS💘

Characters: Gojo, Nanami, Itadori, Megumi, gender neutral reader Genre: romance Warnings: grammar mistakes Notes: Aww anon, thank you so much! I pay attention to make them seem different so I’m really glad you noticed T.T (well, Gege-sensei makes everything easier since his characters are so well written ♥). I did both the date and the wedding, I hope it's ok!

→Requests are open!

Gojo

He has never felt so nervous for a date before.

He doesn’t really organise anything in particular, he simply dresses up and tells you to meet in town.

You walk around the streets full of people, stop at shop windows, take photos, buy something... just normal things.

He holds your hand most of the time, nobody will stop him from being affectionate now.

Whenever he finds a food shop or a stall, he stops and buys some food, like seriously he makes you eat a lot lol

He’ll joke a lot about how hard you made him work before you fell in love with him, how could you resist such a hot man for so long?

Everything feels a bit random, but it’s not bad not having anything organised.

By the end of the date, he tries to get at least a make-out session.

~

If someone had told him “you’ll get married one day”, he would’ve called that person crazy.

The only thing he really likes about weddings is the after party and he basically asks you to get married only because he wanted a big party.

He invites a lot of people, he calls a dj for the music and definitely tries to do stupid games and pranks.

He’ll definitely dirty your face with the cake when you two cut it and pray he didn’t rent a place with a pool otherwise he’ll throw you and your expensive dress into it lmao

When the wedding day arrives, he’s probably super nervous right before the ceremony. He wore his shirt inside out and he tried to tie his bow tie four times, but luckily Shoko was there and fixed everything.

After the formalities are sorted, he gets much more relaxed and ready to party lol

Nanami

He wants everything to be perfect, he doesn’t want to disappoint you in any way.

Buys new clothes, go to the hairdresser, he’s basically as shiny as a diamond.

He booked a restaurant and right on time he’s at your house, ready to drive you to your date.

He likes the quiet and intimate atmosphere, interrupted only by the waiter and the good food.

You talk about many things and get to know each other better.

You weren’t really expecting it, but he flatters you often.

It’s almost funny because he comes out of nowhere saying saying things like “your eyes are really pretty” with his stern face.

If you didn’t know he always means what he says, you would think he was lying lol

When he drives you back home, he greets you with a small kiss on the lips.

~

He has always dreamed of being married.

He’s not a fan of huge parties, he prefers traditional and classic ceremonies.

He takes care of the organisation, chooses the place, the colors of the decorations, the flowers etc. etc.

Of course, he pays a lot of attention to his own wedding dress too.

Everything in his plans is perfect, there is only a variable that will definitely try to mess up something, but unfortunately he still cares about the variable enough to want him at his wedding so he hoped for the best.

When the day arrives he won’t show it, but he’s very nervous, very happy, very in love.

Itadori

So nervous lol

He wanted to bring you to a fancy place, but he’s broke so you end up watching a movie.

He absolutely wants to watch a film you’d like.

You chose a romantic comedy and he gets a bit flustered because the movie is so cheesy and argh was he supposed to do something? Like accidentally brushing your hand while you take popcorn or grab your hand while you have it on your arm chair??? eventually he doesn’t do anything.

He ends up not remembering anything of the movie afterwards.

You eat a cheeseburger in a fast food nearby and now he feels definitely more relaxed and comfortable.

Like Nanami, he likes to compliment you, but in a warmer way.

He is impressed by anything you say. You study? He’s so impressed. You work? He’s so impressed. You like knitting sockets? Wow, he’s even more impressed.

Your confidence skyrockets.

When it's time to say goodbye, he gives you a big hug.

~

He doesn’t think marriage would add anything to your relationship, but he would really like to spend a day where you two are the protagonists and where you could have fun together with all your friends.

It’s an easy-going party, good food, nice music, a lot of laughs and fun.

He’s probably the most relaxed out of the four on his wedding day, he feels the most comfortable with you and his friends so he’s super happy to spend a special day together.

Megumi

He isn’t really sure about what to do, so it will probably take him a lot of time before asking you on a date.

One day he noticed there was an art exhibition and he asked if you wanted to go together.

He’s not a super expert of art, but he thought looking at paintings could give him many conversation topics.

He’s awfully afraid you’ll think he is boring or uninteresting, so he really tries hard to talk a lot.

That’s kinda weird for you because you know him well, but you still think it’s very cute he’s putting so much effort.

He pays a lot of attention to how he’s dressed, like Nanami. He was probably stressing over it so hard.

He chooses something a bit plain eventually, because he doesn’t want to look too desperate to get your attention.

You still think he looks very good, he’s a natural beauty.

At the end of your date, he feels very unsure about what to do, he thinks you shouldn't kiss on a first date and any other form of contact would be too awkward so he gives you a little and safe kiss on the cheek and runs away.

~

Not a great fan of weddings and parties, too many people, too much noise, but he loves the engagement and stability a marriage gives to a couple.

You invite only few people, the ceremony is not too formal, it’s intimate but still fun also because those few people are actually chaotic af (you think Gojo and Nobara would just sit quietly? Nah).

He feels very emotional when the day comes, his hands tremble a little and his voice shakes from time to time, he smiles much more.

[echo-three-one]

Whatever It Takes : RELOADED

More safe house shenanigans as the gang looks for leads.

Table of Contents

Previous Chapter : My Damsel in Distress

Delayed Flight 

John 'Soap' MacTavish

Task Force 141 - Disbanded

Safehouse 110197, Brazil

Soap haven't slept like this for quite a long time. He almost felt guilty that he's peacefully sleeping all while the world was in chaos. 

Slowly got up after noticing that Alex and Ghost were still asleep beside him, they looked like they just slept and he didn't bother waking them up for breakfast. Another scan of the room indicated that everyone else is downstairs. 

John quickly tiptoed across the room and swung the door open. On the other side of the door was France who looked focused while carrying two mugs of coffee.

"Oh! You're up!" she said in surprise as her coffee mugs wobbled. John's quick reflex immediately caught her hands and held them tight until it stabilized.

"I'm sorry I surprised you. Are you okay?" he asked worriedly, a smirk escaped his face as he noticed a faint blush from the female's cheek.

"Yeah. I brought you coffee since the hot water was almost out and you were still asleep." she stammered, not making eye contact to him. Soap looked curious, where was the woman that confidently rejected him yesterday? 

"Aww. So you are concerned!" he mused, holding her hands tight, drawing the steaming coffee mug close to him.

"Not really. I just thought that you're the last one to drink some so the kettle would finally be empty. Don't get your hopes too high, MacTavish." she gently shoved him the mug and carefully stormed off. There she was, back on her guard.

"Well, thanks for the concern." He greeted as he stepped down the stairs while sipping his coffee and met with everyone in the living room.

"Aren't we supposed to do recon for Samantha?" He asked, addressing the leaders who were casually reading a newspaper.

"Negative." Jack said, not looking at the Scottish soldier.

"We still have fuel from Nikolai's plane but we can't waste in on suspicion alone. We have to get solid intel." Price added.

"So we're like chilling here. Doing nothing." He said.

"Not exactly nothing. Ghost might have a lead anytime soon. For now, why don't you run some errands. Maxine needs some things for us here." Price replied, eyes still focused on the paper.

"John?" Maxine peeked from the kitchen and both Price and Soap turned to her.

"I meant Price." she dismissed, making Soap turn away from embarrassment.

"Can I come with them instead of making a list?" she asked, Soap could see Roach behind her eyeing on the interaction. 

"Sure. You've got three bodyguards with you. Just make sure you're always with at least one of them." he muttered. Beside him, Jack stood up and placed the paper on the table. 

"All-righty then, I'll lead you to the town just this once. Next time out, you'll be on your own. It's quite a long walk. And you lad, dress less suspicious." he pointed to Soap's camo pants. Soap actually felt scared at Alex's former CO. His very being still intimidated the Scot.

"I'll be back in a minute." he mumbled and dashed upstairs while France walked by Maxine to the door.

~

"I know Price told us to wear civilian clothing but for some reason you still have the ability to stand out and raise suspicion." France announced as the small team of four exited the safe house en route to the nearby town.

"Is it the hair?" Soap quickly placed one of Price's bucket hats and flashed a grin at the two ladies behind him. "Happy now?" he asked.

"Aside from the fact that you're wearing a t-shirt too small for your size? Yep. When did you last buy clothes for yourself?" France replied sarcastically and asked. Maxine giggled as she walked beside her sister, something she started to accept and try to recall.

"You're just finding an excuse to look at me." He muttered as he dashed to catch up with Jack, who was peacefully enjoying the walk.

"I'm amazed as to how you two act like you're not soldiers right now. How do you do it?" Jack chuckled as he rolled his eyes to Soap's direction, trying not to laugh at the Scot. If he was being honest, the hat did him a worse job. It made his head look small and unproportional to his bulky build. He turned back to France and Maxine who were silently signaling him to keep quiet.

The road was quite long and Soap finally found a small puddle of water to look at how he looked. No wonder they were giggling. He looked like a teddy bear who had a small head.

He then shyly took off his hat and glanced back at the puddle. Maybe it was time for him to buy larger clothes.

"Yeah. Guess someone has to help me pick some clothes as well." he muttered, while France paced beside him and gave him an assuring smile.

"I could always help, John." she said cheerfully and their eyes met. John slowly felt the sincerity on her smile, his heart sped and he found himself inching his face closer to her.

"The town's almost there!" Alex yelled from the distance as the two broke their gazes toward each other and quickly caught up with the two.

Awkward silence. They walked together behind Jack and Maxine who were now discussing what Jack's interests were back in the day. Not that it mattered to John, as all his mind was thinking was this pretty lady walking beside him. He wanted to graze his hand against hers, just to feel her smooth touch, he wondered if she'd let him hold her.

But he insisted, France was more of a slow but steady kind of person. She pointed it out to him multiple times and if he really wanted them to work, he had to do it the old-fashioned way. Sure the kiss was sudden, but what they had back at the Gulag was something worth waiting for and kissing her anytime now would never feel the same as the first.

Jack and Maxine quickly split off toward the market while the two of them remained by the center of the plaza. John scratched his head as he stuttered to ask her where to go.

"So… um… where to?" He asked.

"Looks like they got some cool jackets over there! You think you look good on those?" She asked excitedly.

"What do you think?" He asked shyly.

"Hmmmm.. Maybe… I'm not quite sure." She replied. John expected the classic you'd-look-better-without-any joke but she's not that kind of girl, and he's digging it.

When they say time flies by when you're having fun, John resonated with the quote. They spent most of the time laughing over clothes whose designs didn't make much sense and ended up buying most of them. Despite all the things going on around the world, John felt normal when he's with her, something he hasn't felt in quite a while. He'd even imagined that they're actually boyfriend and girlfriend whenever people around look at them. He was happy. He could get used to this.

~

It was about lunch time when they returned to the Safe house, and the scenery inside was the most unexpected thing ever.

Price was sleeping by the couch, his whole head was covered by a newspaper which had "End' times" written as the headline. Ghost and Roach were fighting over a piece of broccoli on the table while Alex sat by the stairs, wearing a shirt with a huge whale printed on it, playing with a lighter, flicking it open then closing it back as he stared at the flames.

"So that's where Smokey went." Soap muttered.

"Smokey?" France asked.

"My lighter." Soap replied confidently.

"Really?" 

"Yep." he said, popping the 'P' as he unloaded most of the supplies to the kitchen.

"What happened here?" Jack asked, taking off his jacket, completely regretting wearing it in a tropical country.

"Roach ate my broccoli!" Ghost complained.

"Ghost ate my pie!" Roach complained back as Jack sighed and placed a palm on his face.

"We had pie?" Soap asked, his eyes beamed at the table, only to be disappointed that there was none.

"Technically it's a tart and it's supposed to be for Maxine." Ghost smiled shyly eyeing at Maxine.

"Well, it didn't have her name on it so I assumed…" Ghost replied.

"You don't have to assume! You should've asked!" he yelled.

Soap was amazed at the spectrum of the team, which ranged from very righteous and courageous warriors to actual toddlers. It made him happy that he joined this little group he could call family.

~

Another day had passed and they still had no leads. But Ghost looked like he was onto something as Soap found him with Price as they discussed matters that sounded serious. He just hoped it was a lead. He's starting to worry about Alex who was constantly moping around. With nothing to work on, all he could focus on was Samantha.

"Guess you liked playing with that lighter so much." Soap leaned by the door, looking concerned at his comrade.

"Hey man. How was the market." Alex asked, his tone was nonchalant, almost lifeless.

"Well, it was busy. Jack led us there because you were asleep all morning…"

"Yeah. I couldn't go there. We shared so many memories in that town. I just can't handle it at the moment." He frowned and tossed him the lighter which Soap caught immediately.

"Thanks for this. And if you ever need someone to talk to… We're here for you, pal." Soap said awkwardly. The term pal was very American and he thought it'd be appropriate.

"Thanks, pal." Alex chuckled and stood up. 

"Let's go get dinner." Alex added, his eyes were fueled with determination. And Soap was happy that he's taking small steps to recover.

Next Chapter : Lurking in the Shadows

Notification Squad my Beloved

@beemybee @smokeywhalee @enderio @samatedeansbroccoli @ricinbach @whimsywispsblog

[one-abuse-survivor]

before i start, thank you so much for doing what you do;this blog has given me good advice countless times and i really have to thank you for that.

my issues with my parents are that they don't take me seriously. i can literally go up to them and say: "mom/dad, i think i might be autistic or have ADHD (both would be quite likely) can i get that checked out" and list a bunch of examples why i think that and they'll just be "nah, that can't be, you don't seem like that at all" as of i didn't break my mind over it researching it and talking to people who have it to see if we've had similar experiences just to get some kind of reference as to why i feel the way i feel and why i struggle so much with things that so many other people find so easy.

but then, in the following weeks and months (after talking w them) they just randomly point out things about me that kinda annoy them, like me talking out of turn a LOT or me not looking at people or me having trouble focusing if there isn't also music and a movie going at the same time or mom saying that i seem hyperactive to her because i'm always moving my legs or pacing around or rubbing my hands or drumming on the table with pens. things like that (plus a lot more) were the exact things i was telling them about and they just put it off like it's nothing but as soon as it affects and annoys them it's suddenly very real. at this point i'm struggling to talk to my parents about anything even remotely more serious than generic smalltalk and i'm having a hard time believing myself that my struggles are in fact real and i'm not just making them up.

and also on a less related note; the thing i hate most about my parents: if i'm wearing headphones and couldn't understand what a parent was yelling from somewhere else in the house then it's my fault. but if it's the exact same situation but i'm the one calling and they couldn't hear me, then it's obviously my fault too (i kinda get the first one but srsly how could i not wear headphones when they're constantly arguing with my brother in the room next to mine) (either way if one of the scenarios is clearly my fault, then the other shld be clearly their fault bc that's how logic works)

hhhh, this got quite long. i would love to hear your thoughts about this

a continuation from the other ask about my parents not taking me seriously even when i ask them for help with my hardest problems. that ask didn't really go in the direction i had planned but there is so much going on between my parents and me that i really need to talk to someone about

background: i'm around 15-16 rn and have a brother who's 18. primary school was academically very easy for me (lots and lots of great and even perfect grades) but my brother didn't have it as easy (lots and lots of mediocre and meh grades) so my parents really just kinda let me do my thing while they were constantly busy with my brother. so i got really independant and did all of my stuff on my own bc a) i always had done it that way and b) my parents were already busy and stressed. but after my brother got his first computer and got into video games his grades dropped and my parents started constantly arguing with him and taking away his computer and stuff like that so there was always a lot of tension (and i got to a point where i can't handle people yelling; that's what i was referring to with the headphone thingy at the end of the last ask) i don't know if i can go that far and say that my parents kinda neglected me and my emotional needs in favour of saving my brother grades but that's pretty much the way it feels.

i'm now a sophomore (school works a bit different here but i'm the equivalent of a highschool sophomore afaik, here it's just 10th grade) and starting from about mid 8th grade (end of 2018) i've been struggling a lot with self care and upkeep of my already minimal social circle and academic stuff (i'm at the academically highest level of school you could be at my age without skipping any years) and also mental health.

i got quite depressive and started isolating myself and casting away friends and my grades went down a lot, which really disappointed me because my great grades were kind of my trademark thing. but i didn't feel safe talking to my parents because of the huge distance that we built by me "never" needing their help with stuff.

in that time (almost a year ago, our anniversary is in twenty days or so) i got a girlfriend and i'm hella glad that i can talk to her about everything but i feel like i can't just go dump trauma and parent issues on her forever

about last november or so i was at a pretty low point and was suicidal and that's kind of when i snapped and went to my parents to talk so being cast away and having my issues invalidated really really hurt then and made me spiral even deeper and my gf was the only thing keeping me afloat.

i'm kind of a bit better now but i have rebuilt my view of my parents from "idk we never really interact" to "trying to interact or talk is not worth the energy" and needless to say i don't like them that much

oh and i forgot about all the times i got panic attacks and sensory overloads @ school because there are so many people there (1700 students + 200 teachers) and it's loud everywhere and of course asking my parents for what to do if suddenly everything is too bright and too loud and you can't move or talk because of it didn't get me anywhere (and since i didn't know what it was called or how to describe it properly, i didn't really find any Information online either

and just typing this makes me think of so many more things that they did that aren't okay things to do (a lot of gender identity stuff for example because i'm also neck-deep in that) . but writing this has also helped a lot right now. thank you for being there and listening.

and just in case i'm ever gonna pop back in to say something i'm gonna drop a name for easier identifying

sincerely - 🌌 milky way anon

Hi, nonnie! Thanks for the kind words, I'm really glad my blog has been of help ❤️

I'm sorry your parents are making it hard to believe your struggles are real :( you deserve to be taken seriously and to get access to all the help you might need. Just the fact your symptoms are there and you're noticing them and they're interfering with your daily life is enough to get them checked, regardless of if you need a diagnosis/meds/anything else. No one deserves to live wondering if their struggles are worth discussing with a doctor or professional.

And you're right: if one of those things was your fault, then the other should be theirs, logically. But I don't even think it's "your fault" you didn't hear them because you were wearing headphones, to be honest. I think it's just something that happens from time to time and that doesn't warrant getting mad over; I think it's the kind of thing that simply needs to be talked about so everyone in the household knows how to communicate with everyone else without getting frustrated. It's as easy as saying "hey, whenever I put on headphones I'll just text the family group chat to let you guys know I won't hear you. If you need anything in those moments, just text me instead". I do this with my girlfriend sometimes—if we're wearing headphones and we're in the same room, we simply pat each other when we need something and wait until the other takes off their headphones to talk. It really doesn't have to be an issue where anyone is to blame. You're allowed to take steps to feel safe and comfortable in your house without getting punished for it.

But, of course, this doesn't work if the people around you choose to prioritise "being right" and proving you're wrong over a peaceful and healthy cohabitation, which is what most toxic and abusive people do.

As for your second ask, I would say if it feels like your parents neglected you and your needs because they were always focusing on your brother, then it's okay to say that they did. The fact alone that those feelings are there makes you deserving of talking about it and wanting to heal from it; the cause of those feelings doesn't have to be something major, or sound deeply traumatising when you say it out loud, in order to "count". And people whose emotional needs were consistently met don't feel like they weren't.

I've already shared this video before, but if you want some resources on identifying and healing from emotional neglect, I really recommend watching it. Please bear in mind, though, that the video says it's important to not blame parents for emotionally neglecting you, but I don't think that's the message a lot of people need to hear and I think you should allow yourself to feel angry at your parents for not meeting your needs and causing you trauma. That's pretty much the only thing I'd criticise about the video.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with your grades and mental health lately, nonnie. I had a quite similar experience when I was in high school—I used to always get great grades, but my mental health and trauma put a lot of strain on them (as well as on my social life; I lost a lot of friends in those years) and it was really distressing to see the only thing that made me "worthy" crumble between my fingers like that. I'm still trying to unlearn this idea that your grades define your worth, and it's been really hard.

I'm so sorry your parents weren't there for you when you hit that low 😔 I'm glad your girlfriend could help you stay afloat in that moment, but they absolutely should've been there for you all those times you reached out to them for help with your struggles, and the fact that they didn't is emotionally neglectful of them.

I'm glad you're in a better place now ❤️ I really hope you can find out all the information you need on gender identity and sensory overload and any other issues that might be affecting you. Know that you deserve for your parents to be there for you. You shouldn't have to face any of this on your own, or even with only the support of other people your age. You deserve for them to care. You deserve to have your symptoms checked out. You deserve adult guidance to find resources to help you better understand and manage your struggles.

Sending all my virtual support your way ❤️ and happy belated anniversary to you and your girlfriend!

[morimallow]

Hello. This is the third and last part of Morisuke is a Nerd. Read the first and second part first and leave a like! Thank you all so much!

There you were, standing in front of your highschool gates again after 7 years. Spring is finally here. Cherry blossom petals are falling and dancing with the wind.

You were savoring the moment before finally stepping inside your Alma mater when the annoying voice of your niece interrupted your peace.

“Y/N-neesan! Let's go inside already. My friends are waiting,” she whined and grabbed your hand and pulled you inside the already-loud school spring festival.

She just dragged you to every stall that sells food and let you pay for it. Annoying devil. Just because she knows that you're a (dream profession) and they pay you well.

After an hour of roaming in the oval, she decided to go upstairs and check out the other booths. Your niece got dragged by her friends and told you to bring her back to the school gates once they're done.

Walking along the hallway leading to the library, thinking of nothing in particular, screams of delight and adoration filled your ears. You looked outside the window and you saw the Nekoma Volleyball Team when Kuroo was their captain but your eyes looked for him.

They were all wearing suits. But he caught your eyes once again. Wearing the perfect three-piece suit, hair slicked back, and a pair of sunglasses over his eyes that you missed so much.

He looked up in your direction and just assumed that he was looking at you. Your hands were over your mouth, struggling to keep your whimpers to your self and a few tears escaped your eyes. He took off his sunglasses and smiled widely at you. Wiping your tears with your hands, you smiled back at him as if you were saying, “I knew you could do it. I'm so fucking proud of you, Mori.”

After your sweet faraway encounter, his former team mates called his name so they could go on in the festival but before joining them, you swore you saw him wink at you and that almost made your knees give up. If you could control yourself around him using his charms back in highschool, but now your resistance was still the same but his charms blew up to a hundred.

You continued to walk towards the school library. You probably spent two hours there, reading books that you read back in highschool.

But then your feet dragged you to the shelf where you first met the love of your life. The wooden stool was still there and you used it to reach and grab the same Physics book. You stepped down and stayed standing there as you flip through the pages. Various solutions you and Mori did in pieces of papers were still stuck in the pages. Looks like no one used this but us?

The light dimmed as you felt him move towards you making you remember your first encounter. You waited for him to strike a conversation and he did in the most cheesy way, “Who would've thought I'd meet my mushroom in the library of all places?”

You smiled at the memory. You tried so hard to refrain yourself from jumping on him and instead replied, “You're a strange, happy man and you have my heart.”

He snaked his arms around you and placed his chin on your shoulder. Sighing contently, you relaxed in his arms and leaned your weight on him. It was the same warmth from your highschool days. The same feeling of being protected. But one thing changed. The amount of love and affection emitting from his body towards you was different. He then placed a long and loving kiss on your shoulder and whispered, “I found you.”

You smiled at his words and shook your head. You turned your head to look up at him because he grew a lot taller than you and kissed his jaw, “We found each other, Morisuke.”

You and Mori spent an hour solving problems and equations again until you both realized it was already near dark.

“Love, come. I heard awhile ago that there's gonna be a firework display in about.. ” he trailed as he looked at his watch, reading the time, “probably in a minute.”

You stood in front of the window nearest to the door and Mori placed himself behind you, giving you another back hug. Not that you're complaining. Without your knowledge, the rest of the volleyball team was behind you, phones ready. Mori, sensing that someone's watching and feeling the urge to hold you in his arms, he pulled you into a deep kiss just after the fireworks display started.

You heard some clicking of cameras followed by a series of 'fuck's, 'keep it down's, and you don't doubt one bit that you heard Kuroo saying, “Lev, are you dumb?”

But then you felt Mori smirk into the kiss. Just as he pulled away and rested his forehead against yours, you asked, “You knew they were here, didn't you?”

He chuckled lightly, sending the butterflies in your stomach go into frenzy as he gave you a peck on the lips. He replied, “Or maybe I just missed you.”

“Smooth lines, Russian boy!”

“Finally grew some balls.”

“Can we go home now? It's nearly 9 o'clock.”

And a sudden thought zapped through your brain: your niece.

You looked at Mori with sadness and disappointment and said sincerely, “M-Mori, I know you're a busy man but I need to go home. I promised my niece that—”

Kuroo interrupted your sentence and asked, “Is this your niece?” and you saw that she had her legs dangling on Kuroo's shoulders.

“Y/N-neesan? Kuroo-niichan said they'd keep me safe and walk me home. I'd choose them over you everytime so go out with Yaku-nii,” the little devil of a niece you have said straight to your face.

—

Mori didn't let go of your hand even while he was driving. He'd place soft kisses whenever there's a stop sign, draw soothing circles, and throw secret glances of adoration when the road's clear.

And you just enjoyed his touch. After 7 years, he's finally back, and this time, you won't ever let him go.

After a while, Mori parked his car in an underground parking lot and rode a lift to his penthouse, all while still holding your hand.

“And welcome to my humble abode in Japan,” he said as he opened the door to his penthouse for you to come in. Humble wasn't even the right word to describe the place. It was huge enough for a family of maybe 5 or 7.. or maybe 10.

You blushed at that thought and Mori noticed this. Assuming that you're just feeling hot, he asked, “Do you maybe.. want to take a shower?”

“Oh, uhm.. ” you trailed off, thinking if a shower would do you good or just make your blush worse when you see the products he uses everyday.

Mori wasn't used to this side of you and he's kinda liking it. You're so sensitive and vulnerable when he's around when in fact back in highschool, you'd shout and scold him like how he scolds Lev.

“Mori?” you called out as you remember you didn't have any spare clothes. “Could I borrow one of your shirts?”

You heard movements from outside the bathroom of his room and heard him say, “Come out. You can wear this.”

Clutching on to your towel, you eyed the shirt laid on the bed. It was his jersey when he joined the Japan National VB Team. It covered until your mid-thigh so you didn't find the issue of not wearing shorts.

Standing up, he kissed your forehead, “I'll take a shower, too. You go rummage my kitchen for dinner.”

After whipping up something simple for dinner, you come back to his room to call him but your eyes were met with Mori's more defined back muscles with water droplets reflecting the light in the room and being absorbed by the white towel loosely hung around his hips.

He didn't notice your presence because he was too immersed texting someone on his phone. You climbed on the bed and crawled up behind him.

You slowly snaked you arms around his torso. With your fingers tracing the lines along his abs, you said with a pout, “I thought you missed me, Morisuke Yaku.”

“I do, my love. I really do. Let me just.. ” and he started typing on his phone again. You didn't want this one. He always had his eyes on you ever since highschool. And now he won't look at you even if you're clinging onto his back?

Lightly grazing your fingertips on his toned stomach, you wrapped your legs around his waist as well, as you whispered in his ear the three words you haven't exchanged in years, “I love you.”

He laughed and blushed. Putting his arm around your shoulder and giving you a peck on the lips, “I'm still very much in love with you.”

Feeling a little bolder, you shower him with kisses on his jaw, arm, neck, and the area near his ear. “A-Ah.. ”

You smirked at this new found discovery. You wondered if his ears are sensitive as well and you tested it out. Licking the outlines of his ear and nibbled the top part while sneaking whispers of ‘I love you's’ here and there. His breathing was erratic, sensitive to your tongue. His moans became harder to suppress as you make lewd wet noises with and in his ear. You kissed it tenderly, pulled away, and laughed.

His nape was warm colored with a tinge of light pink. Continuing to tease him more, your hands found and cupped his pecs, holding him in place as you breathe slowly trying to steady his breathing. “Who would've thought the great Morisuke Yaku's weakness is getting his ear lick—”

He faced you and plopped you on the bed. His towel falling down as he hovered over you. You roamed your eyes over his hot body and just as you were about to see his package, you heard his deep voice dangerously near your ear, “Eyes on me, princess. Feeling my cock molding your tight and pretty pussy into the shape of it is much better than to look, don't you agree?”

You were waiting for this day to come. For Morisuke to be your first. “Well, are you just all bark and no bite? Come at me,” you boldly said as you raise your hips to find any form of friction for your aching pussy.

“Ah, ah, ah,” he mockingly said as he lifted his lower half up away from yours. “Come at you or come inside you? Your choice, baby,” his hands started to glide up under his shirt you were wearing.

His finger purposely grazing the area near your erect nipple. Just as you were about to moan, he placed his hand on the curve of your waist, drawing circles on your stomach with his thumb. He showed you his perfect set of white then his smirk, eyes squinting with amusement, “If you won't choose, I won't even touch you all night.”

You pout at him upon hearing his words, thinking it might charm him the way he was whipped during highschool and expecting he knows your answer. His thumb moved along your lower lip and you sucked it lightly while showing him your pleading eyes. He scoffed playfully and said, “Acting cute won't make me give what you want. Use your pretty little mouth, baby doll.”

With that, you kneeled by the bed and made him sit in front of you. You grabbed the base of his erect dick, pubic hair tickling the side of your palm.

“Y/N, you don't have to—” you kissed the tip glowing in a dark shade of pink, same as your boyfriend's lips. “F-Fuck.. I'm sensitive there.” You took that as a sign to continue torturing his tip.

Your teeth grazed near the slit then you licked it, overpowering the pain by pleasure. Spitting in your hand, you used that to smoothly pump his hard cock. You looked up at him, a perfect moaning mess: his disheveled hair, sweaty torso, teeth doing a not so good job at keeping his moans at bay.

You pumped him harder, your other hand massaging his balls. “C'mon, baby. Let me hear you moan when I'm making you feel good.”

As you tried to take his whole length inside your mouth, the tip hitting the back of your throat, he fired a handful of your hair and pushed you down, forcing you to take it whole.

“Your mouth feels so fucking warm, so fucking good,” he moaned as you gagged, unswallowed saliva dripping from your mouth. “I'm gonna fuck your hot mouth cunt and cum.”

You bobbed your head up and down in a fast pace, loud and hot groans from Morisuke became your encouragement. You felt him tense and started to shudder in pleasure. Knowing he's close, you focused your tongue on the tip and used your hand to pump the rest of his length.

“I'm cumming.. cumming, princess!” he moaned as he grabbed your head with his two hands, steadying you to shoot his cum inside your mouth.

He leaned back, propping his elbows. Not knowing where to spit, you swallowed probably half of his load when he offered to spit it on his hands.

“That was disgusting. How can people swallow that shit?” you looked at him with disgust as he washed his hands in the sink.

He walked towards you and placed you on the bed underneath him, “Well, Ms. Genius, ejaculation is part of the males' normal discharge.”

Before you could reply, he claimed your lips. He pushed your shirt up just enough to reveal your breasts with perky nipples ready for your boyfriend to nip and suck them as you moan underneath him. His hand travelled south and spreads your wet folds with his index and ring finger, the middle one is circling around your aching hole, ready to enter.

You bucked your hips, eager and impatient for his finger to enter you. And just then, he inserted his middle finger in your hot cunt, clenching around him as he enters you.

“If you're already this tight for just one finger, I wonder how good this tight pussy will wrap around my cock.” The image passed through your mind and clenched harder as he moved his finger in and out of you.

You were moaning, pulling his soft brown hair as he fingered you to heaven. “A-Ahh, fuck! Right there, Mori.. ” He briefly hit the sensitive spot in your cunt.

You let out a whimper as he took his finger out but let out a breathy moan as he positioned himself at your aching entrance.

Cupping your cheek, he looked into your eyes and said, “This will hurt but keep your eyes on me, okay?” You nodded in response as he put the tip in.

He took your hand, intertwining with yours and propped one elbow beside your head and his other hand guiding his length into you, you moaned out his name as he stretched your virgin walls.

“M-Mori, you're too big.. ” he kissed your lips as he enters you inch by inch. He groans into the kiss when you squeeze him. “Relax, baby. You'll milk me dry even before I put my whole dick inside you.”

After tons of moans and grunts, he was finally balls deep inside you. As you get accustomed to his size, you can't help but squeeze him inside you again. “S-Stop that, I'm gonna cum,” and you continued to clench around him as if testing if what he said was true.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” he buried his head in the crook of your neck as he shot his load straight to your womb. Followed by his sexy moans and the feeling of his warm seed inside you made you cream his dick good.

“Fuck, Y/N, you're too good,” he said and started to move just after you both came making you both sensitive and a moaning mess.

You wrapped your legs, heels against his firm ass as he drilled your drenching pussy. “Morisuke, Morisuke.. ” you chanted and moaned his name as you were nearing your second orgasm.

With Yaku sucking on and nibbling on the skin of your delicate neck, you convulsed beneath him as he continues to thrust in you, chasing his own release. After a few more hard pumps, he buried his seed inside you for the second time. “That was so fucking good. It makes up for the seven years we've been masturbating separately, no?” he said as he laid his head on your chest.

You ran your hand to the previously slicked back hair of his and hummed to agree.

Morisuke placed a kiss on your chest, where your heart is, and said, “Let's be together until they run out of problems in Science, my love?”

You grabbed his hand, kissed it, and placed it on your cheek, “For a lifetime, my sweet.”

Masterlist

[jungcity]

hello! can i ask for je te laisserai des mots with jaehyun? thank you so much in advance and i love your works; they're beyond amazing! 💓💓

JE TE LAISSERAI DES MOTS

I will leave you words

Under your door

Under the singing moon

Near the place where your feet go

Hidden in the holes of wintertime

And when you’re alone for a moment…

Kiss me

Whenever you want

In the summer of 1916, the clouds hadn’t met the glory of the season. It remained bleak, lonely, threatening to pour out rain in the ground.

The war still rages in most parts of the world, and you do not think it would ever stop. Family had lost their homes, children had lost their parents, parents had lost their sons, yet the complexity of war remained turbulent.

The only surviving sunshine was the unrelenting smiles and twinkle of hopes in the face of people; that the rough times would soon end, and the clouds would part to let the sunlight washed the Earth with its glory.

Tonight, the air was balmy. The winds scattering through the atmosphere was enough to brush the loose hairs from your braid. You grabbed your cloak tighter, afraid that the attendants would wake and tell your mother about your escape.

Shutting the door closed behind you, a sigh of relief went past your lips. Stars twinkled in the skies, they seemed so far away, just like the end of the war. What do the gods think about this bloodshed? A sudden thought weaved its way through your mind as you descended the creaky steps of your patio.

Earlier today, you chanced an adventure towards the stable. The stable boy, Jaehyun, was nowhere to be found, earning a slight frown from your lips. Disappointed and dispirited, you decided to pick wildflowers in the meadow hundred paces away from your house. A single oak tree rests at the corner of the field. Behind the tree was a niche meant to hide things and... letters. You sauntered up to it with your heart elating. And there it was... at the corner of the space; a folded piece of parchment. Thrill cascaded down your back as you hurriedly fetched and opened it.

My love, once the moon had reached its peak, and silence prevailed in the night... meet me at the Pier.

Yours with all my heart,

Jaehyun

You clutched the letter against your chest, feeling that your heart would burst out of your ribcage by the bliss of it all. Once a week, Jaehyun would leave a letter at the niche behind the tree for you. Sometimes, the letters would contain his favorite passages from the books he has read, or a simple poem made by him only for you. Today, though, he’s asked you to meet him at the Pier. It was a monicker for your secret meeting place, not the real pier that ships docked at.

The Pier is located near a river, away from prying eyes and eavesdropping ears. It was covered with huge copse of trees teeming with fronds. At the side of the river lay boulders of rocks, covered with moss and little wildflowers. And at the corner, where the moonlight directly slips through the leaves, sat Jaehyun.

He was like a god that for a moment you wanted to run and hug him closer to you. You took a step closer, a branch of tree snapping beneath your foot, causing Jaehyun to sprang up on his feet in alarm. But his furrowed brows and panicked expression quickly receded as he saw your face after you pulled off your hood.

It took him three strides to reach and embrace you. You breathed him in, his letter clutched tightly in your hand. How come Jaehyun feels more like a home than the place you’ve just ran away from?

“I’m so glad to see you,” he said, breathless. Then he gave your lips a quick kiss before leading you to the place he sat on.

“How long have you been here?” You asked as you smoothed your skirt. The river a silent hum of waters beside you.

“I ran off here after I’ve eaten my dinner,” he chuckled, then he brought something from his side, “Here.” Jaehyun offered you a chaplet of wildflowers. You took it with a smile of your lips.

“It’s beautiful.” You smiled as you donned it on your head. “I feel like a princess!”

He caressed your cheek and stared right at your eyes and through your soul, “Because you are.”

“Oh, please—” Then he captured your lips again. This time, his lips lingered longer, earning a smile from you. You clutched a strand of his hair to deepened the kiss. Fervent and wanting, that’s how you’ve kissed each other. Your mother would never approve of you if she ever finds out you were kissing a boy like a hungry animal. But how could you help it if it’s Jaehyun you are currently kissing?

After a series of kissing and pulling away to catch your breaths, Jaehyun rests his forehead against yours, breathing you in.

“I have something to tell you,” he stated before pulling away and holding your hands tightly with his.

You raised your brows, “What is it?”

Jaehyun’s reluctance was plastered on his face, he refused to looked at your eyes. Heart suddenly beating loudly against your chest, you reached for his chin and guided him to face you.

“My love, what is it?” you repeated.

“I’m going to war.”

“What?” A breathless chuckle escaped from you, “I don’t think I’ve heard you right. Would you please repeat it, my love?”

Finally, he looked at you. “I’m going to war, Y/N.”

“No,” was the only word that succeeded to come out of your lips.

Jaehyun took your face with his hands, but you refused to look at him. “I need to.”

Fury glazed your eyes. He couldn’t be serious. “You need to? Why?”

“I am but a mere stable boy, Y/N. Do you think your parents would let you marry someone as inferior as me?”

“Why do they matter? I don’t give a damn about what they think!” You gathered your skirts and stood up.

“But I do! Y/N, couldn’t you see it? I learned to write my own name because of my mother. I could read words because of you. Our family...” He stared at the ground, “... we couldn’t even eat three times a day. I’ve never gone to school. So why do you think your parents would accept someone like me in your family?”

The words were fire, and they surely burned the remaining hope in your heart; hope that his insane decision could be stopped.

“You’ll go to war. And you would die. Do you think they would let you in the bases? No. They would send you off to the trenches to rot. Everyone dies in those trenches, Jaehyun!” The last word was pincers on your tongue, you winced after saying it. Frustration quickly formed in your forehead as sweats.

“No, I will return. I promise you, I will. And once I come back, I would be worthy of your hand and...” A smile erupted from him. “... and after that we could finally wed.”

“You make it sound as if war is painless.” You finally leaned in when he touched your cheek.

“It would be. Because I have you as my courage.”

—

The year is 1962.

Throat dry and eyes heavy, you took a gander at the window. Dust danced through the sunlight that was infiltrating the panes. So it begins again; another day. A day of remembering. You pressed your palms on the bed, slowly rising and settling your back against the headboard, your frail bones aching with every movement.

A single and small table rests beside your bed, with a lamp to provide you light and one drawer to keep your sentimental things. The bedroom feels so lonely, with only the cot, one chair, and one table to provide you company.

As you slid the drawer open, a single velvet box lay inside it. You fetched and settled it on your lap. Tears begun to peek at the sides of your eyes as you ran your fingers through the surface, then you opened the lid. Jaehyun’s smiling face flashed before your eyes, in a picture so old the edges were worn-out. With it was a letter written on a paper, just like the picture, it was already yellowed and the words were barely legible. Yet your heart still went through the same feeling as you stared at his face; you felt blithesome and safe.

He said he would come back. He’s gone to war with a promise of marrying you once he returns. Life is indeed full of surprises, because until now, you were still unmarried.

Jaehyun never returned from the war. Forty years, and yet everything feels as if it happened yesterday. After the war drenched the world with blood, soldiers returned from their families and lovers. But the dimpled stable boy you have fallen in love with never did. You thought you would have gone mad by the grief, and of thinking about his body having no proper funeral as it had never been found.

And yet, you survived. With the help of his memories. Your decrepit body now lies in a single cot located at a bedroom given to you by your niece. As a woman without children, you solely relied to your family for support. It was embarrassing, but it won’t be long now.

Tears sliding down your cheeks, you closed your eyes. And you were back in the same meadow, behind the oak tree. Happiness filled your heart, your bones aching from the familiarity of it. A piece of paper was rolled in the recess, you quickly grabbed it and read its content.

My love, once the sun settled down today, and the birds started to seek for a shelter... meet me at the Pier. I will be waiting for you.

Yours with all my heart,

Jaehyun

This time, the Pier hadn’t meant your secret meeting place. Today, the Pier meant heaven; where you could continue the love you shared and was interrupted back in the first world war.

[inspiredhearts]

Hmm, I don't really know why I'm here

I'm moving on, I'm moving forward, because what choice do I have? It just seems that my happy and safe place which is my Twitter account is suffocating for me right now because I opened up to someone there and maybe she was drained because of me and I can't help but think that my absence will be her happiness and all that and that I cannot just open up there anymore. I don't know, I wish this feeling would go away. I regret opening up to her but I can't do anything about it anymore.

So I've been addicted lately to knowing more about my zodiac sign - astrology, tarot cards and whatnot that I've been watching some (maybe a lot) of vids on YT about it. The readings, even though they're just general readings, just resonate with me so much.

All of the videos I watched are saying that by August, something that I was manifesting will come true. Like, I manifested that. Also that someone will get in touch with me or something similar to that. Well, I've only been thinking about him and our supposed September vacation which we all know would never happen anymore because we aren't talking anymore but a part of me - a huge part of me sadly - wants to believe that by August he will contact me and tell me that he still wants to be with me to go on a vaykay. I know this is really impossible but those fucking readings that I watched and just saw on Youtube based on their titles just all say the same thing and I am hoping for it to come true even though I know that if it won't come true I will be disappointed yet again. But, so what, right? I'm already hurt and disappointed so more disappointment about that specific thing wouldn't really matter that much anymore... or would it? I don't really know. All I know is that I still badly want to be with him to talk about a lot of things and I still want to talk to him.

There are times when I start to blame him and hate him for leaving me. I stayed but he left me all of a sudden. It hurts, you know? It hurts being left behind by someone who you thought is your soulmate. By someone who made you happy during the last 2 months you were talking - that everyday communication with him. That's why I'm trying to forgive myself for blaming him sometimes because I can't help it. I know naman na it's not his fault so whenever I get back to my senses, I don't think about blaming him anymore.

Oh wait, since I am into this tarot thing and whatevers, I also learned about the existence of a twin flame which is something greater than a soulmate and damn, I think that he's my twin flame? I'm not sure if I'm just overthinking it but we just really vibe with each other so much that it's only natural for me to think about him when I was listening to the video explaining the concept of a twin flame. Well, if this is true, then sooner or later we'll meet again, right?

Damn, I know I am not in love but I've been listening to these tarot love readings and just the word love is being thrown all over and I think about him. I am not in love, but I want him back in my life. I am not in love, I am really sure of this.

I want him back. Will August give him back to me? Or will I look back on this post with an update that nope, he didn't come back, all those readings were off and that I was just really hoping for him to come back that's why I kept seeing those?

I really believe that it's the latter because, come on, it's just a month since he left me, it would be a surprise (a nice one though) if it came true. It is close to impossible, really, but here the fuck I am, still hoping.

You know, I haven't been too obsessed with destiny or fate or whatever since forever. I thought I've outgrown these - asking for a sign, looking for signs, etc. Turns out that when I want something in my life, I still turn to destiny and fate and serendipity that something will come my way. I haven't outgrown these childish things, because at the end of the day, I still hope for some bigger energy to just guide me in this life to make me happy. I still hope for this unexplainable thing that will happen in my life which will make me realize things, which will help me understand things.

I mean, meeting someone like him in that space is like serendipity enough. Come on, it was unexpected. Damn it he made me believe in things again. Damn, our encounter was just really... unexpected. That's why I'm so obsessed with it. That's why I'm so obsessed in keeping our relationship/friendship intact. Because I never met someone like him for a long time, and I'm pretty sure I'll never meet someone like him again - at least not in that space, and at least not for a long time, or not in forever?

I am being selfish right now by wanting so many things for myself. I just want to be happy with him. I also want him to be happy. I want us to be happy on our own as well. I hope he's doing better. I always wish for that.

[dothewrite]

hi! i love your blog so much ahh i cant wait to see more of ur writings! would you be able to do a scenario with tsukki (or maybe another character if u want as he alreayd has a soulmate au) where you see ur s/o in ur dreams? and they meet when they're rlly young in their dreams and stuff and they grow up as friends and then eventually love each othe etc but then she gets diagnosed with insomnia and he barely sees her nowadays and eventually he finds her irl? sorry if thats too descriptive!

I give this to you many eons after you requested it, I’m so sorry. I hope you enjoy it, and it’s a whole 4k begging you for forgiveness. This was an interesting write, so thank you for waiting until you’re almost all white-haired. Eleven for Tsukishima’s number. :)

One.

“Hello.”

He turns around in the empty basketball court- the sun is boringinto his eyes but he doesn’t have to blink more than once to see who he’stalking to. Even though he can see everything clearly, the chalk marks on thegreen, scratchy ground, the bushes that have been left untrimmed since severalweek ago, she’s different. She’s firmer than everything else around him, andher colours are so vivid that he’s not sure he’s ever going to forget how thatsweater looks on her. It’s green, far greener than the shrubbery around her.

“Hello,” he offers slowly. He doesn’t like talking to strangersmuch.

She doesn’t seem to mind it as much as he does. She’s notlooking at him anymore, but to the left then to the right, examining theirenvironment with an interesting sense of wonder.

“You like sports?”

Tsukishima stares, silently. She doesn’t seem to mind, and justshrugs.

“It’s a basketball court.”

“Yes,” he answers.

“There’s nobody here.”

“Yes.” He’s getting a little tired of repeating himself. It’skind of given, isn’t it? They’re the only two people here, and one of them iswasting time pointing out the obvious. He’d be bored if this wasn’t so strange.

She looks at him now, and he notices that her eyes are veryround. Very brown, too, even though her hair is a special shade of grey. Sheseems to know what he’s thinking, and she shrugs again, this time with a widesmile on her face.

“Genetics,” she says almost apologetically, and if he wasn’t whohe is, he wouldn’t understand the word at all. “Low melanin in my hair, orthat’s what my mom told me.”

“Okay,” he says.

“Okay.” She watches him for a little more and the silence is amuting presence. What Tsukishima feels like several hours later, she finallymoves from her spot and turns around. “See you around,” she waves a hand athim, and walks out of the park.

Tsukishima’s still standing there after she’s gone, veryconfused and very unnerved. This was his safe place, the place where he couldbe alone and himself without anyone to bother him. Now there’s a girl who’sdefinitely not his creation just walking into his dream and he can’t help butsulk, because it’s soiled now.

No longer comfortable, he sighs, and wakes up instead.

Two.

You’d think he’d be used to her by now. He isn’t. Far from it.There’s probably no way to get used to something so loud and cheerful in aworld of quiet, no matter how many times it’s been.

How many months has it been, anyway?

“Aren’t you ever bored of this place? It’s always the basketballcourt.”

“No,” he answers bluntly, “it’s quiet here, and it’s too much ofa hassle to change it.”

She sort of frowns at him, a disappointed furrow to her browsthat looks far too old for her face. Her face that’s always wide and open, fullof curiosity and shamelessness that Tsukishima disapproves of. “It won’t killyou to be a little more creative, Kei. You can do anything here!”

“Yeah,” he intones, “that’s why I can do exactly what I want.Which is to stay here. Alone.”

He grows a little more frustrated when she simply grins. “Goahead and pretend I’m not here then. I don’t mind.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?” She spins around on her heels and twirls severalloops. She loves it, she can’t do it in the real world.

Tsukishima clicks his tongue and snaps his book close. It lieson his lap and he considers throwing it at her head. “Because you’re too loud.”

“Then make more people,” she tells him right back, like it’s themost obvious thing in the world and she thought he was the intelligent one, “if everyone’s loud, then no-one’sloud, right?”

That logic shouldn’t work. But somehow Tsukishima finds hisbasketball court occupied by dozens of other kids in less than a minute. Hetakes in the squeaking of worn sneakers against the slip-resistant ground, theshouts of people jumping from space to space, and the echo of several bouncingbasketballs in a very occupied court. She looks very pleased with herself, anda little smug.

“There,” she remarks with a flourish. She’s a lot closer to himnow, almost in his personal space and Tsukishima has to fight the urge to standup to match her height, “now you can be quiet, and pretend I’m not here.”

He doesn’t argue. He doesn’t tell her that instead of pretendingthat she’s not here, she can literally just notbe here, but the words don’t come and he glances down at his book.

It works, he supposes, as he flips it back open to the page he’ddog-eared, and pretends that she’s not there.

Three.

“I’m starting middle school soon,” she tells him one day whenthey’re sitting in a field. It’s her dream this time, and Tsukishima’s only therebecause she helped him once and he owed her. There are a lot of daisies, henotices. “Will you be lonely?”

“Why would I be lonely?” He asks without looking.

“There’ll be more homework. My mom always makes me finish myhomework.”

He glances at her, face impassive and his nose twitching fromall the pollen in the air. He thinks she looks disappointed. Maybe. He’s notquite sure, because he doesn’t look at her very often to know these things.

But there’s just something about the way her eyes fall that makeshis head sore.

“Then you’ll be fine at school.”

“Are you that much older than me?”

“No,” he shrugs, his shoulders a little numb from proppinghimself up for so long, “I’m just a year ahead of you.”

“Oh.”

There’s a moment of silence where neither of them look at eachother. It’s heavy, unlike all the silences that Tsukishima’s used to on hisbasketball court, and all of a sudden he misses it. The quiet of a busy place,instead of this quiet that rings in his ears.

She speaks, finally. Slowly, like she’s turning each word overwith her tongue before they’re allowed out. “You sleep quite often for a middleschooler.”

“I finish my homework quickly.”

“Oh,” she says again. “Then I guess I’ll just have to finishquickly too.”

He looks at her this time, a little confused. “Why?” Finish at your own pace, he wants totell her, but it sounds too kind in his head so it stays in the back of histhroat where it belongs.

Her smile is a little sad when he stares into it. This he canrecognize, because he sees it a lot on his brother, Akiteru’s, face too. Itmakes him feel awful whenever he sees it, so he turns his head away quickly.

“So I can spend more time in your basketball court, of course,”she answers like it’s the first truth of the universe that she’s uncovered. “You’renot going to wait for me to get here, so I’ll just have to keep up!”

Tsukishima feels uncomfortable when he hears that, and he rubsat his chest absentmindedly to get rid of the ache that’s hiding underneath.

Four.

She’s late. Tsukishima’s almost gone through a quarter of hisbook, and she still isn’t here. The basketball is empty this evening, orrather, he’s left it empty since she’d started showing up here less and lessoften. There’s not much point to making things noisy to block out noise that isn’teven here.

She said she’d be here though, so he keeps waiting, legs foldedunderneath him on the park bench and he tells himself that there wouldn’t beanything else he’d be doing anyway.

“Sorry!” Her loud voice calls from what sounds like underneath amuffled pillow, and he jerks upwards, slightly shocked.

Her sneakers are making the squeaky noise against the groundlike his missing basketball players, and he can’t help but wince. She justgrins and waves. “Had to finish algebra,” she makes a face at the word, and hesmirks.

“Easy,” he says snidely. She’s unimpressed, however. Her handsdrop to her hips.

“Not everyone’s as smart as you, Kei. I came here as quickly asI could, didn’t I?”

“How am I supposed to know?” He sounds haughty, but his fingersare already marking which page he’s on before closing his book shut.

“You do,” she answers grumpily.

He supposes he does, and feeling a little chastised, he keepshis mouth shut.

“Where do you live?” She asks, and he feels a little surprisedbecause it’s never occurred to him before. That it would make any differencewhere they were in real life.

“Miyagi,” he tells her. He understands her, so she must be inJapan at least, right?

She nods, slowly, a finger tapping at her chin. “I’m in Tokyo.”

“Right.”

“Right,” she echoes him. Her eyes are fixed on him now, and hecan feel it burning through his skin. It makes him feel like he needs toapologize for something that he hasn’t done. “Are you staying in Miyagi for highschool?”

He nods, and her shoulders seem to sag. He doesn’t comment onthat.

“You’re staying in Tokyo too, aren’t you?”

She opens her mouth to say something, but hesitates. He waitsfor her, unblinking, and she glances away with a soft cough. “I am now.”

Maybe her family had decided not to move, or something. It takesa few seconds for his curiousity to fade at her statement, because really, it’snone of his business.

Five.

It’s the week for regionals, and Tsukishima heaves a huge sighof relief when he settles down into his spot on the ground. He hasn’t been backin the basketball court for a while now because he doesn’t want to see morepeople practicing with balls right after coming home from practice with balls.Too many balls, too many people. The hillside is just fine for him, even if itdoes smell a little like dirt.

He’s taken to dreaming about night time, too. Silence is alittle harder to find, nowadays, so he takes it where he can get it, and thestars are a wonderful way for him to be alone.

There are only four more hours until he has to get up again forearly morning practice, because he really needs to get his blocking down rightin time for Shiratorizawa. The thought sends a tremor down his spine that makeshim sit up a little straighter, and his hands clench without him knowing.

Yes, it’s a lot harder to relax lately.

Not to mention, there’s something missing it seems, but he can’tquite pinpoint what it is. He supposes that the mind’s not infallible, and hemust have simply overlooked a detail somewhere in the environment. She’dnotice, most likely, with her annoying perceptiveness.

Speaking of which, he hasn’t shown her this place yet. It’s notquite recent, several months or so, he’d say, since he’d chosen to come hereinstead, but she hasn’t dropped by at all.

He wonders if she’s on a sports team too, maybe that’s why she’stoo busy to bother him anymore. Serves her right, he thinks.

When his alarm clock blares through his thoughts, it shakes theclouds in his sky and he snaps out of his dream with an angry grunt.

Six.

“Hey,” he murmurs, and reaches out to tap her on the shoulder.It takes her a while to turn, but when she does, it’s with a smile.

“Hello, Kei,” and she sounds like the breeze, “it’s been awhile.”

He just nods, like he always does. Her smile warms, because sheunderstands. “How was nationals?” She asks, and he’s surprised.

“You followed it?”

Her laugh is tired, but cheeky. “Gotta do what I gotta do.”

Tsukishima sinks down onto the grass beside her. “I never toldyou I played volleyball.”

“I know,” she sighs dramatically, an arm swinging up to coverher eyes, “and after all these years too!” She doesn’t wait for him to respondto peek out from under her sleeve. “It was easy. I just had to listen to thesound of salt.”

“You’d reach the ocean,” he replies deadpan, and she laughs.

“That’s the Kei I know and love!”

They both hear it when she says it, but neither of them followup. It hangs, spoken and lonely between them, and faster than a wish, itvanishes from view. He wants it back, but he doesn’t quite understand why, sohe keeps his hand where it is. He hasn’t seen her in a long time, not sincehe’d shown her his new hideout for the first time, and after that, well. Shelooks different. A little darker around the eyes.

Still, he’s changed too. He can read her better now, and he’sstopped rubbing at his chest whenever that ache comes up. He just lets itsimmer; it goes away on its own an hour or two after he wakes up.

“I’m graduating soon.”

“I know.” She sounds happy for him. “Are you excited?”

“To submerge myself further into academia? Hardly.”

“You’re the smart one,” she rolls her eyes at him, “if anyone’dbe excited it’s you.”

“Genius,” he tells her plainly, “does not mean enthusiasm.”

She doesn’t remark at that, and only laughs that raucous laughof hers. It sounds so out of place in the evergreen field of hers that she’snever left, and Tsukishima smiles.

“Where to?” She asks once she’s calmed down.

Tsukishima shakes his head. “Not sure yet. I’m waiting for theletters to come in.”

“I see,” she nods, and that’s that.

Seven.

His parents must have found him incredibly strange, as themoment he’d received his final acceptance letter, he’d said nothing to themexcept hold out the open page and muttered a ‘I’m going to sleep’ beforetrotting upstairs. He doesn’t know if they’d stared at each other, or laughed,or just shook their heads in dismay, but it didn’t matter, because he wasasleep by then.

And here. Back by his hillside, an absence of cars betraying theobvious fact that this isn’t real, and all the summer, spring and winterconstellations are cramped into one single sky- they’re waiting for something,just like he is.

They fade one by one, Cygnus, then Orion, as it becomes light inhis mind. Conception of time has always been rather weak in his dreams, butTsukishima feels the hours pass by like each huff of breath. He wagers it’sbeen almost five hours, a few more until he has to get up for practice againdespite no longer being a regular on the team, and he pushes himself up to hisfeet.

He gives it ten more minutes, just ten.

When those ten minutes pass and she doesn’t come, he gets upfrom his bed and switches off his alarm.

Eight.

Sleep sounds like myth, like a blade of legend, only bestowedupon the truly worthy. Tsukishima feels incredibly unworthy, because he hasn’tslept in days. The empty mug looks happily back at him, the dregs of longfinished coffee relaxing at the base and he actively wishes that he too, was aninanimate object without anything to worry about.

“Tsukki!” A loud voicebellows at him from his doorway (how did he not notice it opening? What?) andhe almost bursts into tears. Or rage. Tears of rage. It’s just his luck to havechosen the same university as the two horrors, typically known to man as KurooTetsurou and Bokuto Koutarou. There’s Oikawa too, and Daichi, but they’re muchmore respectful of finals week, probably because they too, are most likelydying.

“What do you want?” He cries through the palms cupping his face,and the footsteps stop.

“He’s shouting,” Bokuto’s voice whispers. Poorly.

“He never shouts,” Kuroo agrees.

“I can hear you,”Tsukishima snarls. It doesn’t deter them in the least, and the two terrorsfinally reach his slumped position over the dining table and drop something onhis head. He fumbles at it clumsily, hand shaking from too many shots ofexpresso, and he finds several cans of red bull along with a massive packet ofbarbecue lays in a flimsy plastic bag. “Are you serious?” It sounds a littleridiculous even to him.

Bokuto, however, looks incredibly proud of himself. “Food anddrink. Stay alive, my man.”

“Barbecue lays isn’t going to make up for my lack of vitamin D.”He regrets it immediately after saying it when Kuroo waggles his eyebrows andgoes ‘ohohoho, he wants the D’ and Bokuto sniggers along obnoxiously.

“Don’t fourth years have finals too? Or do you get your gradesbecause you piss people off so much they just want you gone?”

“The latter,” Kuroo supplies helpfully, and Tsukishima gives up.On social interaction. On exams. On everythingbecause he’s starting to see monkeys in his apartment, and he’s pretty sure hehasn’t got enough bananas to entertain them with.

“Look,” Bokuto finally leans forward to clasp a manly hand onTsukishima’s crumpled shoulders, “I know we got you red bull and all, but getsome sleep, alright? At least a few hours. You’re gonna pass out before youactually get to the classroom at this rate.”

“Right,” Tsukishima mumbles in reply, and when they finally seemappeased enough to leave him to his textbooks again, he decides to do justthat. The crappy, second hand mattress would feel heavenly if only he wereconscious enough to feel himself hit it.

Nine.

“Hello,” he hears, and of course, it’s just his luck to continuehallucinating into his actual hallucinations. He’s actually rather proud of himselfto have thought that whole sentence in this frame of mind.

“Hello?” The voice comes again, and Tsukishima turns around inthe same field, weary from everything and just… the ache, it’s back, and it’sstopping him from saying anything clever.

“Hello,” he breathes in reply, and her face splits open in apainfully familiar smile.

“It’s been a really long time,” she admits, and he has to agree.“I thought you forgot about this place.”

“It’s never changed,” he points out, and she laughs. It’s a weaksounding thing, and Tsukishima intelligently thinks about the red bull on histable. “Are you tired from finals too?”

“Too,” she repeats, almost wistfully. He kneels down and placesa hand on her shoulder just like Bokuto did for him.

“Are you alright?”

“I missed you,” she tells him, and it steals the breath from hislungs like a jewel thief. He meets her gaze for gaze, and he sees the smallpools of light beginning to form in her eyes.

“You’re… crying.”

“And you’re terrible at this,” they’re tipping over, past herdark eyelashes and down her cheek. Tsukishima feels like she’s casting a spellover him, and he’s completely under. “Is that all you’ve got to say?”

“Well, I-” he’s stuck, and she’s right.

“Did you miss me too?”

His heart is in his throat, in her hands and in the way thedaisies seem to flow in the wind. So, he confesses, because there’s no otheroption to begin with. “Yes.”

She’s crying harder. “Good,” and her face crumbles. He surgesforward and catches her in his arms. He’s tired and comforting people reallyisn’t his strength, but he knows that no matter what, she’s more tired than heis. He wants to tell her that she’s thinner and that he’s worried, but he’s learnedfrom a few seconds ago to be more tactful.

“I have to wake up soon,” she says. It surprises him that it isn’tsomething that he’s said.

“Me too,” he answers. “When will you be back?”

“I don’t know,” she gives him a rueful smile, “the sleepingpills haven’t been working lately.”

“Insomnia?” And suddenly it all makes sense. He tightens hisgrip on her. “You went to see a professional, of course.”

“Of course,” she laughs, “and yeah. I’ll try.”

He can feel the caffeine tugging at the back of his senses, andhe’s on borrowed time. She squirms a little in his hold and he loosens it alittle, enough for him to place the back of his hand on her cheek. “I’ll wait.”

She’s disappearing as quickly as fast as he is, and this is thefirst time the world melts around him because he’s never wanted to stay in adream so badly before, but he can’t feel her warmth around his.

It’s only a whisper in his consciousness, but he thinks hecatches a cry of ‘waseda’ before theugly bedroom light is glaring into his face and he has to blink several timesfor the headache to disappear.

He feels slightly more refreshed, or at least, less like thegrim reaper, but his focus is completely gone after that.

Ten.

This is not his style,this is not his style, this is so not his style, he chants over and over again in hishead. It’s all so hideously cliché, the way he’s leaning against a wall nearthe front entrance. He’s even got the hood thing going on, no sunglasses, thankgoodness, but his hands are shoved moodily into his pockets and he’s prettysure he’s going to die a thousand deaths if someone he knows catches him likethis.

“Hello,” he hears, and he feels like he’s already dying. She’swatching him with a healthy amount of amusement from his left side, and hefeels his soul starting to evaporate from his pores.

“Hello,” he croaks.

“I knew you were smart,” she grins at him, and for the firsttime, she’s not any firmer nor brighter than the things around her. She’s as clearas the trees, as colourful as the little pebbles at her feet and Tsukishima ignoresher insult and reaches out with a hand to touch her. She meets him halfway.

“You know,” he finally says as he unwraps himself from hertangled scarf, “you look less tired in real life.” He gestures at his eyes. “Aren’tas dark in the daylight.”

She shrugs and slides an arm around his before they start towalk towards somewhere, their paces matching. “Rotten luck, isn’t it?” Shesighs. “Put me in a dream where I can look however I want to and I still can’tget rid of my eyebags.”

“It’s a defining feature,” he remarks, “I wouldn’t recognize youwithout them.”

She throws him a filthy look that he ignores, but not without asmall grin that creeps stealthily up his face. “Where are we headed?” She asksinstead.

“To a department store to get something to cover your eyebags.”

“…Are you serious?”

“No.” Oh, she’s not even looking at him now, and Tsukishimafinally laughs. He takes great joy in being a piece of shit, and she’s absolutelyno exception. Even though all she’s ever been to him is his exception. “Do you likeice cream?”

“In winter?”

“Yes,” he watches her carefully. Her face brightens and he feelsthe tension drain out of his back. Who knew that not-planning a not-date wouldbe so difficult?

“It sounds perfect,” she beams.

He nods, and they keep walking.

Eleven.

“I thought you had insomnia,” he says dryly when she starts tospin around him on her heels, “how are you here almost every night?”

“Not letting me sleep now, are we? What an insufferableboyfriend.”

“I’m not stopping you from doing anything,” he shrugs and gesturesat her magical pirouette, “as you can see.”

She smirks, because she knows exactly how much he hates it. Shedoesn’t blame him either, it’d make any person dizzy. Thankfully, just not her.

“You see, the good thing about insomnia,” she finally comes to astop with a flourish and he rolls his eyes, “is that no matter how much caffeineyou drink, it can’t make anything worse.”

“That’s like saying the good thing about falling is that you can’tdie if you’re already dead.”

“Exactly,” she snapsher fingers proudly at him. Honestly, he doesn’t know what on earth she’s gotto be proud about, because she sounds slightly insane.

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“Well,” she leans into his space and he’s tempted to drag her downinto his lips just for the heck of it. “Why don’t you wake up and I’ll tell youthen?”

“I’m pretty sure it’s almost four in the morning. I’m not wakingup for this.”

She shrugs, but there’s a small line of disappointment thatdraws across her shoulders. Tsukishima turns his head and pretends he doesn’tsee it. Still, she doesn’t respond except for sliding into the space beside himon their bed of corn flowers and tucking herself underneath his arm. He’s stilllooking away, but he can’t help the way his body decides to wrap his arm aroundher frame, nor the way his body seems to curve into her like a magnet.

“You love me, don’t you?” It surprises him not because of howsudden it is, but how confident it sounds. She’s barely asking him, she’sdragging out from him. He’s helpless, and he’s never helpless, not even on thecourt.

“Yes,” he admits, helplessly.

He can feel her satisfied smile against his collarbone.

“I forgive you then.”

“What for?”

“Not waking up, of course.”

She’ll be the death of him one day, but not today. Today, he’sforgiven, and all is good.