#and these two ARE the faves like fuck Ches/Zander and Balo/Zander - Balo/Ches is the crown jewel SO

[songsofacagedbird]

Self Para 002:  I'm Feeling Helpless; the Damsels Are Depressed

Note: Okay so my version of self care is hurting my muses’, so I wrote this during all my kidney stuff as a way to like kinda get my mind off of it I debated  if I should post this because it really was just self indulgent but since it’s set in Luxor AU and one thing mentioned it is gonna come up later on, I’ll share. (Although this isn’t required reading to understand Balo (or Ches’s) character arcs in the slightest so please don’t feel any pressure, when the thing comes up you don’t need this context).

Word Count:  2,498

TWs: Abuse (referenced), HIV, Mental Health Struggles, Disownment, Ches’s horrible sense of humor

Sunlight poured through the windows of the study hall as Balo quietly sketched. She’d given up trying to get actual work done an hour ago; learning wasn’t happening - she was thinking way too much. While she knew it was important to stay focused - if her grades slipped, she’d no longer be allowed to participate in the sports she’d worked so hard to be allowed back into - it was hard sometimes. How could she pretend everything was okay a little over a month after her world fell apart? She knew she was expected to have it together, but things kept slipping through the cracks.

Sometimes Balo questioned what would have happened if she hadn’t synced her medications with Ches. By the time she’d whispered her diagnosis to her, the puzzle pieces had already been in place. The unspoken knowledge hanging the air until she had simply cleared it out. What would have happened if she hadn’t gone to the college freshman in hopes it’d help her to remember her medications back during the initial testing phase? Would she have even figured it out?

The longer she thought about it, the more she leaned towards yes.

How long would it be until everyone else caught on to exactly what was wrong with her? Her ability to pretend like everything was sunshine and rainbows had needed to be put on hold. Her insecurities shined through even more than usual in its place. How long would it be until Caitriona tired of her, or till Jack remembered he’d had better friends and phased her out? Would it be weeks or months until her siblings followed their parents’ lead and disassociated themselves from her too? And what would the rest of the Hundred Acre Woods chat say as they finally figured out that even her own parents didn’t even want her anymore? That she’d been so bad they needed to turn their backs on her. Had her mother found out about the fact she’d swore? Was it her karma for feeling the one emotion she’d been taught would make her a horrible person?

It only took one thought to get thrown back in the spiral, currents of fear dragging her under. She’d known she’d never be enough for her father, of course. She was too soft, too artistic, too dumb, or shamed for her knowledge, and she messed up consistently. Everything he despised, with the list of reasons growing ever longer as the days went on.

As the tears start to roll down her cheeks, Balo rapidly shuts her sketchbook so she can stuff it into her bag. Had anyone in the study hall noticed the shape she was in? She wasn’t sticking around to find out. The sooner she left, the better. She barely keeps herself from running through the study hall, and she only picks up her pace once she enters the crowded halls. The faces blur together as she rushes towards her room, any attempts to slow her down easily ignored as she focuses on just getting to her destination.

Once she’s in the common room, she tries her best to muffle her sniffles, unlocking her door as quietly as she can manage without disturbing her roommate. The last thing she needed was Jenevieve to see her like this. They weren’t close, and she couldn’t put on an act, not today, when she was back in the rabbit hole.

She shuts her door quietly, not even bothering to lock it as she drops her bag on her floor next to her desk. The tears are in full force by the time she sits down, and she pulls out her sketchbook again. She doesn’t have to wait long before an idea pops in her head, and she’s grabbing her charcoals from the drawer to get started. She doesn’t look up as she pours her emotions into the page; even as the sun begins to set, her blue eyes are fixated on the page as her charcoal moves across it.

It isn’t until her bedroom door creaks open does she glance away, her head whipping around to see who was disturbing her. She only starts to relax when she sees it’s Ches, although her relief is short-lived as her friend turns on her bedroom light and settles down on her bed. “You skipped dinner again. Are you feeling okay?”

“I wasn’t hungry.” Balo responds immediately, “I appreciate you checking on me, of course, but I’m okay! Perfect, actually! I’ve never ever been better, ever. I’m just working on a project. It’s just taking up a lot of time, I’m great!” It’s a lie, one she knows her friend will pick up on as soon as it leaves her mouth. Maybe she needed better lines, prettier words to distract from just how awful she felt. She doesn’t even have to watch Ches’s expression to know she knew better, and as the guilt creeps up on her for lying, the truth bursts out. “I can’t stop trying to figure out where I went wrong and how long it’ll be until things get worse. I had to do something to deserve everything going on, right? And what if whatever it was was so bad that everyone hates me?”

“B, if you did something that horrible, you’d know what it was. I promise you, fuck ups that big can’t be missed.”

“My parents thought...”

“Your father is a waste of oxygen, and your mother is... well, sometimes things are complicated.” The look on Ches’s face when she discusses Balo’s parents is one of disdain, but she still seemingly makes an effort to censor her opinion of her mother. Undoubtedly another attempt to keep herself from hurting Balo.

The blonde goes back to working on her sketch, not quite sure what to say. Most of her friends had some sort of parental figure to go to if they needed to. Who did she have? Zander, who she didn’t feel like she should go to with her problems because he’d find some way to twist it into Jack’s fault, and Ivan, who had more than enough stuff on his plate without his little sister being added to it. She knew her friends were only trying to help, of course, but hearing she was better off didn’t ease just how much it hurt every time she tried to call her mother, and she didn’t pick up.

For a few minutes, silence settles in. But, just as Balo is finding the lack of discussion comfortable, Ches shatters it. “I know it’s hard to believe that you’re going to be okay, but things are going to get better. You don’t have to pretend you’re okay in the mean-”

The words cause something to snap in her, and she whips around to look at her friend again. “If I don’t pretend I’m okay, everyone will leave. It’s already been a month. Nobody wants to hear me whine, Ches.” She winces at just how loud her voice is, but the girl she shouted at doesn’t seem surprised by the outburst.

“That’s not true; I want to hear it.”

“You want to hear about how tired I am of hearing everyone saying they know how I feel when they can only sympathize? None of you know what it’s like to have HIV and be terrified all the time that you’ll somehow hurt everyone you love because of it. And every time you try to paint it as a good thing, my parents disowned me, it hurts. I can’t call Ivan because he needs to focus on his studies, and Zander is so stressed lately I don’t want to add more to his plate either.” Balo can’t stop the tears of frustration that fall as she talks to Ches. “Do you really want to hear me sulk?”

“Yes, and I think your brothers would also want you to come to them. Zander’s really worried about you, and from what you’ve told me about Ivan, I’m sure it’s killing him he’s not here. It’d kill me if I wasn’t.” The redhead opens her arms, and the gesture is all it takes for her to get up and steal a hug. “I’m sorry I’ve been making things worse, Balo.”

“It’s fine.” Despite her frustration, she knew she was only trying to help. It wasn’t her fault Balo didn’t want to hear it.

“It’s not fine, but now I’m aware, I can keep it in mind.” Ches squeezes her tightly, reaching up to try to smooth out Balo’s hair as she talks. “As for making us sick too, you have nothing to worry about. You’re being careful, right? Haven’t been sharing needles with anyone? Not supplying your blood to bathe virgins in or anything?”

“That’s not funny.” Balo knew she was trying to lighten the mood, but she didn’t find it amusing. She was seriously concerned. What if she messed up and she didn’t catch it? She still had no idea how she got HIV, even when she ran through the possibilities in her head. It still didn’t make sense. “I feel like I should tell the rest of the Hundred Acre Woods at least, but I can’t shake the feeling everyone will turn their backs on me too.”

“If you decide to tell the rest of our friends - nobody will go anywhere, not even Avery. We care about you, and frankly, it doesn’t fucking matter as long it’s managed and you’re okay. You being healthy and happy is all that matters. You’re not a walking biohazard or whatever the intrusive thoughts are saying. And if you get hurt, and you’re concerned about it - I’ll handle it. Okay? I’m on PReP, I’ll be fine. But none of us are going anywhere; that’d be like turning your back on someone with cancer - nobody in our friend group is that horrible of a person.”

The lack of sugarcoating in Ches’s words threw her off for a moment. There was no dancing around the point. She’d just said what she was thinking, without hesitation or pause. Finally, after a moment, she starts to protest; “you say that but family is supposed to be unconditional love, and my parents-”

“Your parents aren’t the only family you have. You have your brothers and Fettuccine, you have Caitriona and Jack, and you have us. What happened with your parents is gonna sting like a bitch, but they’re not all you have. You still have a family. Plus, when winter break comes up, we’re going to be fighting over who brings you and Zander home. I was about ready to off Jack when you said you thought you’d be staying with him this summer. I thought I’m supposed to be your parabatai.”

This time there’s no urge to tell Ches she’s not funny, perhaps because this time it’s obvious she’s serious about the fact that no matter what, she still had a place to go. If not with Ivan or Cait, she had one with Ches or Jack. None of them were going to leave her alone, although she hoped they wouldn’t fight over her. That’d be excessive. “You are my parabatai; we just have to wait a year to get tattoos.�� Balo can even hear the first hints of a smile in her words as the tears start to slow down.

“Or, if your doctor says you’re good to go, we can do it before we leave France. You’re above the age of 16, it’s legal. I could ask my cousins who they’d recommend. Maybe we could drag your brother along to get that second tattoo he keeps salivating over too?” Ches seems serious about the idea, but before Balo can tell her yes, she’s continuing. “We can discuss that later, though.”

But she didn’t need to wait until later to know she’d be checking to make sure there weren’t any concerns about her getting a tattoo. They’d been discussing it for years, a parabatai rune on one of their pinkies. “I’ll ask at my next appointment.” Balo decides without hesitation, “hopefully, the answer is yes.”

“If it’s not, we’ll get them when the time comes. There’s no rush, we have forever, but you’re not throwing me off that easily. I’m really sorry about your mom, sunshine.” Of course, Ches had to bring it back to the problem at hand; there was no brushing it under the rug and skipping off into the sunset with her. Not with stuff like this, at least.

“I just wish she’d tell me herself she doesn’t want anything to do with me. I knew dad was mad about Caitriona, but I didn’t ever think she’d just... why can’t she just answer the phone?” The words are little more than a sob as she brings herself down to her knees and clings to her friend tighter. “Why doesn’t she want me anymore?”

“I’m sorry.” For the first time in years, Ches seems at a loss for words as she runs her fingers through her blonde hair. There are no attempts at a joke, no moment of insight to follow up with, and at the realization, she can’t help but cry harder again.

It’s not surprising when her friend opens her mouth again, You Are My Sunshine comes out instead of words. As she sings, Balo tries to focus on it instead of the thoughts swirling around in her head again. The further into the song she gets, the more she starts to relax.

Finally, when the song is done, she says the first thing on her mind. “Can I sleepover at yours tonight? I don’t want to be alone.”

“Of course. Come on, I’ll make you dinner, and we can watch Disney movies. I’ll even let you make me watch Snow White if you’d like. I just lost my roommate, so there’s nobody to mind.”

At Ches’s words, she pulls away, nodding at the reassurance that she wouldn’t be disturbing anyone. After she stands up, she packs her sketchbook, her toothbrush, and a change of clothes into her bag. For a moment, she hesitates before she grabs the stuffed animals, her droid, and the doll on her dresser - hoping Ches wouldn’t mind her bringing them along. “I heard someone had all their stuff destroyed by the circle once, and I’d feel better if I didn’t leave them alone overnight just in case.”

“They can sleep on my dresser tonight, I don’t mind.” Ches shrugs as she offers Balo her hand. She reaches out to grasp it quickly, following her friend when she leads her out of the room and locking the door on her way out.

Maybe things weren’t okay yet, and it’d probably be a while until they were, but the more she leaned on her friends - the more she realized maybe she didn’t have to have it all together yet. She’d get there eventually, but, until then, they weren’t going anywhere. Maybe her parents didn’t want her, but they did.

And at that moment, that was enough.