#and theres people out there who make more money than i could dream of JUST by buying and selling stocks strategically.... ok...

[starlightdreaming]

Lucifer x Fem!Reader!

Content warning: ANGST TO FLUFF! :3 REALISTIC themes of REALITY (FROM MY PERSPECTIVE) this is a vent fic but I added my delusions of fluff for comfort, theres slight starvation of oneself (eating disorders right?) (this fic been in the back of my head all week)

(this MADE ME CRY WHILE WRITING I KID YOU NOT)

Synopsis: dealing with reality isn’t easy for anyone, upon walking home one day, you found a mirror, hoping you could sell the mirror for some cash, you discovered something money can’t buy… happiness.

(im craving for fluff)

making a one shot for my delusions

(the song that supported my delusions)

ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭*Dancing within the mirror* ੈ✩‧₊˚

Your life wasn’t very pleasing to live, hell, life wasn’t pleasing to live at all, all the stress and endurance was so tiring, going to school, day in, day out was the least of your worries after you graduated.

Every kid has always said, “I can’t wait to grow up and do my own things!” at least once. once.

Now that you are an adult, nothing was as it seemed when you were younger. Yeah, you can do anything you wanted if you put your mind to it but it came with a price.. and that price was money.

Without money, you couldn’t do anything you dreamed of doing, without money, you couldn’t afford the things you even wanted- and to get anything you wanted, you had to get a ‘job.’ it’s the balance of life some say, but to you? it was control, it wasn’t about what you want or what you get, it’s all about having you work for the… them.

those people. the 1% some would call them.

Your mind deteriorated more and more from just not living anymore, just surviving.. you work, get the money, pay your taxes, pay your bills: your car, your electricity, your water, food, housing, insurance- everything.

You sat on the edge of your bed in your cold dark room, the moonlight twinkling in, it’s luminous rays escaping through the curtains at the window, you laid your head down crying and stressed, you can’t continue to survive like this, you just wanted to live.

You watch old shows and movies for comfort, wishing life would never change and forever stay the same, you wanted the world to stop revolving so you can just breathe. You watch cartoons and such, cause it seems they are living much happier than you ever will. Your mind always drifted off to just one day, you can lay in the grass and listen to the soft winds, the trees and grass rustling, dancing together as one with the wind.

You drew characters of your own, characters from your favorite shows and wrote everything your mind would drift off to, to cope with the bleak life that you had.

Sometimes, you wish reality could just.. shift, like if you wanted to live in your comfort characters universe? you could just poof! and then be there, talking for however long you wanted.

You sighed as you turned off your device, going to bed, too tired to do anything due to fatigue from nine hours of labor, you tucked yourself in, playing soft music to help you sleep with some sort of comfort, you closed your eyes to await another lifeless day of nothingness.

✧ • ✧ • ✧ • ✧ •✧

Another exhausting day at work, you walk home, your car broke down for the nth time, knowing how corrupt reality is, it was intentional by the people who you got it from. Another bill to be paid, just to get your car fixed, just to work more, pay more, just to feed them.

You barely made it through the monthly payments, saving enough to pay them all off but not enough to feed you. You silently walked in the grass, no sidewalks to be seen cause everyone used cars nowadays, never their feet and it made the people who are supposed to run the country (or states), neglect their ideals that they offered the people.

You sighed, exhausted, walking for a whole hour, you decided to rest. You worked nine hours that day, walking endlessly and now you’re here, walking home. You pulled a bottle of water you had with you from your pocket, taking a sip to refreshen yourself, it was less half than empty but it was enough for you to be hydrated for your next other hour you had to walk home. When you drive to work, it’s only eight minutes but walking? it was fifteen times longer.

You got up to your feet to walk again, stuffing the empty plastic bottle into your pocket to find a place to dispose it, not wanting to litter the earth than it already has been from neglectful people who could care less where their trash goes.

Walking past a dumpster, you neared your destination to home, you tried to put in the bottle but as you did, you saw something glimmering in your eyes, you took a second glance at what was shining in the dumpster, there, you see the sun reflecting off a mirror- but not just any mirror, a beautiful one. It looked old and antique but it was so mesmerizing to look at, it had unique designs, embedded with gold, at the top of the mirror, sat an apple, a white snake wrapped around it, it was in quite good condition, not even the glass was cracked, ‘who would throw such beauty away?’ you thought, you wanted to take it home but you hesitated, wouldn’t you look like a hobo if you were to jump in to get it?

You looked in all directions, seeing if anyone was watching, when the coast was clear, you jumped in to get it, trying your best to reach it, without falling in. After a few seconds to a minute or so, you managed to get out scot-free, holding the mirror with both hands, you looked at the distinctive details more closely, it really looked at shiny as gold, you couldn’t tell if it was, you were no genius to know, nor did you have the knowledge to know, all you knew it was dirty from the grime in the dump, it definitely needed a cleaning.

You held the heavy glass carefully, walking down your neighborhood to your home, you put it down gently next to your front door, trying to get your keys to unlock it, when you did, you happily tuck your keys into you pocket, picking up the mirror and walking inside.

The moment you got this mirror, you thought about how it could benefit you, ‘could maybe clean it and then put it on sale at an antique shop or mall?’ you thought, hoping to grab a bit of money to help you probably get something eat for once other than toast and cereal.

You put the mirror in your bathroom tub, getting towels and wipes to carefully remove the dirt from the lined details, sticking your nail covered by the wipe, to chalk the dirt out from deep corners, after a bit, you washed it off carefully with water, holding it gently as to not let it fall and shatter, you turned off the water, grabbing a towel to carefully dry it, not wanting to accidentally scratch the glass somehow.

You took the mirror to your room, holding it with both hands, you sat it down to the ground, making it lean against the wall, you stretched before you took off your work clothes, deciding you wanted to shower after today, I mean, after walking endlessly for two hours at work (not to mention the additional two hours, walking home), and dumpster diving? You definitely could use one. You began collecting comfy clothes to relax in, digging through your drawers, you got just a tee and some shorts and an extra pair of undergarments, you took your clothes, grabbed a towel and left to the bathroom, leaving the mirror alone in the dimly sunlit room.

While you cleaned yourself, unbeknownst to you, the mirror flickered in and out bright yellow auras, the little dust and dusk of yellow floated around the mirror like fireflies, it was glowing at that point, bright yellow, the gold designs that traced around the mirror began to glow as well, and it immediately went out as you entered your room, a towel on your head, you sighed as you jumped into bed, digging out your work clothes that you left on your bed to grab your phone, you tossed your clothes to the side as you laid back down, scrolling through what-not to distract yourself from the loathing pain of loneliness in your life.

From evening to dusk, you blinked lazily, tired of scrolling on social media for hours, you continued to do so until you stopped at a video, a video that was quite a little too relatable. You thought that - that’s when you know it’s time to put the phone down, it’s enough internet for the day, You plugged in your phone, placing it on the night stand.

You shifted under the covers, bringing your pillow to your chest to hold it, hugging it tightly as if it were to ever be your significant other, knowing full well that - that one day, will never come… but it doesn’t hurt to imagine it right?

You hugged the pillow tightly, nuzzling your face in it, looking at the mirror that faced your bed, you laid there silently, feeling the loneliness get to you again, the clock ticking in your room as you waited for sleep to consume you, you closed your eyes, resting your head in the pillow you held, before falling asleep. As you slept, the mirror began to glow again, the same golden aura surrounded it, little small dots of light floating around it again, the light began to glow more, the longer you slept, the small dots of light danced in the air, eventually making it to your bed, the small dots of light gently touched your skin, one even kissed your nose, it made your face scrunch as you scratched it, removing the tickling feeling in your sleep, you then turn the other direction of your bed, faced away from the mirror, the lights backed away from you, like curious little fireflies, they floated around you once again, raining golden dust onto your head as if it were sandman, raining sand onto your head, gifting you the night of pure lofty dreams.

✧ • ✧ • ✧ • ✧ •✧

You groaned as the morning light from the sun entered the room, waking you up from your dreams, it wasn’t often when you dreamed, usually they’d be nightmares or just plain weird.

You sat up on your bed, rubbing your eyes to wipe the sleep off them, you yawn as you shifted to slide off your bed, walking past the mirror to leave your room, with a quick glance while walking past it, it showed a different person in your reflection, you paused, you stepped back to look again, now puzzled, did you see that right? You look back at the mirror, seeing your reflection perfectly fine, you shook the thought off, thinking it was just you not being fully awake and your eyes were just messing with you, you left your room after that, not thinking anything further about it.

You brushed your teeth, brushed your hair, anything and everything needed to start the day, you grabbed your work clothes and your phone, glancing at the mirror again before taking a photo of it, later deciding to post it on the internet to see if anyone was willing to buy it. You left your house, locking the door, awaiting another repetitive day of your life… wasting away.

You had woke early for a reason, without your car (and the inability to afford an uber, nor risk spending any money), you had to walk to work, it was going to be a long exhausting day but that’s just life, the imbalance of it from what you could see at least.

After a long day of work, the painful exhaustion of walking home, you opened your door, dreadfully, today was worst than the last, you sighed as you went straight to your room, taking your work clothes off and jumping straight to bed, crying.

You curled up in your bed, grabbing your pillow to hold as comfort as you silently sobbed, the sun, slowly fading away from the room, dusking out that the day was nearly gone. You didn’t bother how hungry you felt, you just wanted to cry yourself to sleep, your co-workers were more aggressive today towards you, tripping you and telling you how you don’t seem to put more effort into you job as they do, it even got to the point where they’d report you to the manager, it was only worse when the manager actually believed them! You’d end up being scolded by your boss, not even he tried to listen to your side of the story, making this all the much worse to endure. You wanted to cry at work, you did during all of your lunch break, you spent the whole time crying silently in the restroom, forgetting to get at least something to eat during your time.

You just wished this whole nightmare could be over, you barely had time for your mental health, not to mention the time to do anything else to cope with the repetitiveness of reality either. You cried yourself to sleep that night, not the first of your many rests. It was however, noticed by the mirror you seemed to have forgotten about.

The mirror shimmered softly with light, the same as it did last night, unaware of it’s presence of magic, the light reached your bed, alluring you with comfort as you rested, dots of light danced around your exhausted body, giving you sweet dreams as it did last time, you smiled in your sleep, dreams overflowing in your subconscious as you slept, your body seemed more relaxed when the light tended and touched you, draining the soreness out your body, hoping you’d wake up feeling much better.

✧ • ✧ • ✧ • ✧ •✧

More often than not, you’d wake up exhilarated and refreshed from the nights before, it bothered you at first but you adjusted to it rather quickly, seeing as you always felt bursted with energy, you could take on the day and go home like you just went through hell to just sleep and wake up feeling alright again. You still haven’t had gotten any responses on anything about the mirror in your room, no one willing to offer for it, it just sat in your room collecting dust, it had been like about a month or so by now, your depressed mind never really bothered with time anymore, seeing as it was pointless, nothing really changes in your life, you don’t even bother with holidays, seeing as there was no one to celebrate with.

After many times and days going through the same thing, you crashed onto the floor in your room, laying next to the mirror. You couldn’t bother getting up into bed this time, everything just felt so tolling, your co-workers were at it again, excusing themselves with how they had families to take care of and you didn’t, they hated how you got paid the same as they did, expecting you to be rich or something by now. You hugged yourself on the floor that night, crying once again, you were facing the direction of the mirror, ignoring it in your vast of self loathing.

You just wished and craved for affection from someone, anyone, just something, anything to stop the pain you felt inside your heart but that would never come, no one cared for you as you hoped that one day they would, you fell asleep on the floor that night, crying yourself to sleep once again, no different than all the other nights that shared the same.

An emitting aura glowed softly again from the mirror, amongst your sleep, brighter than all the times than the last, this time, it didn’t try to comfort you in your sleep, no, this time, it was trying to wake you, wanting you see what it held within itself, the dots of light kissed your face, their bright auras bringing you to wake, you opened your eyes, curious from what the light source was, you sat up from the floor rubbing your eye, “what the..” you say as you blink awake now, you see the mirror glowing with a golden aura, you were bewildered from such a thing being able to happen.

You looked into the mirror before backing away, your reflection making you gasp in shock, you slowly leaned into the mirrors view, looking at your reflection again, it was so different than what you actually looked like, you looked more… demonic? it was creepy, it made your skin crawl, the light that was doting on you, floated around you, catching your attention. You raised your hand out, the little light landing in your hand, you looked and admired its radiance before it flew up and towards the mirror, going straight into it, “wha…” you said rather quietly im confusion and curiosity, the mirror glass sending waves against itself like a water drop landing into water.

You hesitated, you weren’t sure what to do in this situation, when you first got this mirror- you didn’t expect it to be fucking magical!

The mirror calmly whispered a tune, alluring you, you looked at your reflection again, it going from your human self to something else.. You reached your hand out to the mirror, touching the glass but when you did, your hand phased through it, you pulled your hand back in surprise as you watched the mirror glass ripple from movement, you shifted closer to the mirror, the golden light being the only thing that lit up your room in the dead of night.

You put your hand through the glass again, feeling more calm about it, seeing as it was safe, you smiled in fascination, it wasn’t long before someone or something grabbed your hand on the other end, you tried to pull away but it held your writ tightly, you saw a hand hold onto you, covered in black and claws that looked sharp as knives, it pulled you through as your yelp in shock and fear, closing you eyes as you expected to endure some sort of pain coming your way but you didn’t feel any, you felt the warmth of someone’s chest, your hand in theirs, his other on your back, ensuring your safety through the glass.

“Greetings, little duckling.” The man coo’d, you look up to the stranger who caught your fall in confusion, your eyes widened when you realized it was your major comfort character currently, the devil himself: Lucifer. You pushed yourself away from embarrassment, trying to look at your surroundings, seeing as you were in a massive ball room, the tiles on the floor were shining gold as the stairs were cloaked with red, “where am I?” you panic, looking at your body, seeing as your color was different and your body was less humane, “what is happening?” you ask, startled, looking at Lucifer.

He walked closer to you, “hey, it’s okay, you’re safe here, I won’t hurt you,” he reassured as he reached his hand out, patiently waiting for you to take it, you gave yourself a moment to breathe, trying to process everything, you looked at him as he smiled comfortingly at you, waiting patiently for you to take his hand, before long, you took his hand, he leaned toward your hand kissing it gently, a surge of golden light looming from the kiss to around your body. You blinked in surprise and look at your body, clothes had been changed from your work attire to something more extravagant and elegant, you were suddenly wearing a ball gown, you picked up a piece of the fabric of the dress, looking closely at the details it withheld.

“Through that mirror of yours, i’ve been watching you,” he says as he stands up straight again, holding your hand in his, you looked at him, slightly uncomfortable from that statement, his eyes widened at realization as he turned away before scratching his neck, “I mean- I don’t mean in a weird way- like- I was- I just-“ he sighed in defeat, unable to explain his situation correctly, “It’s not what it seems,” he attempts again, looking at you with soft eyes, “it’s just- that mirror is a portal, it’s a portal that only one side could see from, I don’t even have control where it goes but-“ He trails off, “look,” he says, taking both your hands now as you stare at him, patiently waiting for him to fully give you his explanation, “It was something I made long ago,” he attempts again, “I left it on earth for centuries but I still had access to it, from one end I mean.” he pauses as he turns both of you toward the portal, his hand trailing across the glass, changing the location on the other end, you watched with your mouth a-gap, in awe from how surreal this all was.

“I watched many humans through this mirror, good and bad,” he says as he shows many past memories the mirror seemed to hold, “It’s the only thing I have that shows the good in humanity… sometimes.” he says as he cracks a side smile, hoping you aren’t weirded out too much by the whole ordeal.

Letting go of Lucifer’s hand, you lifted both hands to your chest, intertwining your hands together as you walked toward the portal mirror, “so you’re saying..” you spoke as you stared at the glass, “I have a magical mirror in my room?” You ask, turning to him, your dress swaying as you turned, “yeah,” he smiles in relief that you aren’t panicking as he was, “we could go with that.” he says as he walked to you again, “I watched all the nights you cried..” he began as he looked away from your gaze, “I saw how much pain you endured everyday, it was obvious in your eyes and…” he explains to you, his demeanor changing to nervousness as he avoided your gaze, “I tried to make your nights better as you slept, hoping you’d wake up, feeling like your days would be better.” he confesses with a awkward smile on his face as he showed you the golden light in his hands, resembling the same as the light you saw glowing around the mirror in your room.

“So you’re the reason behind why I always felt better in the morning?” You ask, expecting he would confirm your answer, “Yeah.” he admits, rubbing his neck again, you walk up to him, taking his hands in yours as you raised both your hands up together with a smile and a, “thank you.” Lucifer eyes sparkled as he felt a flutter in his stomach, he sort of expected you to panic or something but this was way better, he smiled at you softly, “I saw you crying earlier, worse than ever before,” he says emphatically, he placed of your gloved hands on his shoulder, the other one held with his, his hand was placed gently on your waist as he leaned towards you, “so I thought maybe this time,” he pauses, turning you to a different direction and dipping you gracefully, “I could make your dreams a reality.” he spoke with an ever graceful smile, doting on your beauty.

Your eyes widened in wonderment as he began to move on his own, “wait- I can’t dance-“ you try to exclaim but your feet moved on your own as well, “don’t worry my dove,” he says as he looks at you with that sparkle in his eyes again, “I got you covered on that, just enjoy it, like a dream.” he comforts you, his voice soft and alluring.

He snapped his fingers and you saw a set of ducks with bow ties and orchestrated instruments appearing with them, they sat between the open space of the stairs, “fond of ducks, i see?” you ask, giving him a sided glance with a smile, he rolls his eyes playfully before taking your hands into his again, “not as fond as I am with you tonight,” he says back, smirking playfully as he guides you towards the center of the ballroom, “you’re absolutely stunning tonight.”

✧ • ✧ • ✧ • ✧ •✧

(prolly too dramatic but it was making me go insane while writing this (fluff is my kryptonite))

✧ • ✧ • ✧ • ✧ •✧

A melody began to play in the background as you let Lucifer take the lead, looking at him in awe, entranced by his charms and his smile.

He spun with you around the ball room, your dress flowing behind every move you done, you looked at your dress in wonderment, you then looked back at Lucifer who was still giving you doe eyes. You had your mouth opened slightly, still processing that this was actually happening… and with Lucifer of all people.

Watching and feeling every shift both your bodies had made, you both move left and right in circles, you yelped softly in surprise when you began to spin, one of his hands still in yours, bringing you back to him to waltz across the massive golden ballroom, you looked at him again as he gave you a toothy grin, making you smile in pure delight from this dream.

It wasn’t long until golden light began to ignite under his feet, each step he took left a trail of golden luminescence, ducks soon flipped up from under ground as if they went under water to collect food to eat, they swam across the ballroom floor as you both stared into each others eyes, lost within the melody.

You looked down at your own feet in amazement, your own steps were leaving a trail of golden light, those golden trails soon grew into buds that blossomed into lotus flowers, the flowers slowly drifted across the floor, gracefully, like they floated above water. You were mesmerized in such beauty of magic, it wasn’t long until you felt a hand trace under your chin, bringing your gaze back to Lucifer, “eyes on me, my darling.” he says with a soft smile, bringing his hand back into yours.

You felt flustered from his gesture as he sprouted out his wings, all in their grace and beauty, you looked away again as you heard him chuckle a light laugh at your reaction, he closed his eyes as he soaked in the moment, spinning you around again before bringing you in, your attention came back to him as he opened his eyes to look at you, you began to feel light, you looked away for the third time, you saw yourself floating in the air with Lucifer, you looked back at him in a little worry but it quickly vanished away as his gaze comforted you, “I got you.” he says, knowing what was running through your mind.

The golden light still trailed after you both, the ducks and lotus flowers floating up with you both in unison, you were so dazed by how pleasant you felt, your eyes locking with Lucifers, you both leaned into each other, your heads touching, closing your eyes as you began to relax and enjoy the moment, everything feeling so perfect.

You both danced in the air in sync, your steps finally moving as your own, adjusted to the dance, he reeled you out, you spinning out before spinning back in, back into his arms, his wings feathers fluttered gently as you danced in circles, in and out, left and right.

You both leaned out, hands locked as you laughed lightly, making him smile even more that you are enjoying your time with him, he brought you in before spinning you once again, back to him again before dipping you gently, ensuring you won’t fall from his grasp, his eyes were in awe as you smiled, your smile is all he wanted to see after seeing you cry so many endless nights.

He drifted you both back down, the golden lit ducks and flowers following you both as you both twirled around, heading towards the mirror, a trail of ducks and flowers blooming from you both, when you reached the mirror, he dipped you again with one hand this time, his other hand caressing your hair, a soft golden glow luminously flowed in your hair before he gently cupped your face, “until next time, mon chérie.” Lucifer says with a smile and loving eyes, kissing your head lovingly before pushing you carefully into the mirror.

You sit up quickly waking up, the sun shining through your curtains into the bedroom, you looked at your hands, your skin color back to normal, your ball gown gone, ‘it was all a dream.’ you thought, only to frown, believing it was too good to be true, you looked at the mirror on the floor, leaning on the wall as it had always been, you looked at it curiously, you threw the covers to the side, shifting out of bed to walk to it, you picked it up, seeing that your reflection was completely normal, however, a golden lotus laid in your hair, confirming that maybe, it wasn’t a dream after all…

You heard a ‘ding’ on your phone, catching your attention, you put the mirror on your bed carefully, grabbing your phone to look at the notification.

- Hey, that’s a beautiful mirror! It looks super old! antique even! How about $1,500 for it?

You smiled at the notification, that was enough for you to pay most of your bills for this month, you left a response before putting your phone back on your nightstand, picking up the mirror and leaving the room.

- Sorry but I decided not to sell it, thank you for your time though. :]

✧ • ✧ • ✧ • ✧ •✧

thank you for coming to my ted talk.

[liverpool-enjoyer]

footballers as taylor swift songs

requested by my swiftie in Christ @yudgefudge!! thank you luv <3

leo: you're on your own, kid. ive been associating him w this song way before i knew that everyone else was doing the same lmao. it rlly does encompass his entire journey, from humble beginnings n jus being a little kid playing for fun (from sprinkler splashes/to fireplace ashes), to being the best in the world n all the struggles that come with it (i search the party.../just to learn that my dreams arent rare). the man gave his blood sweat n tears like hed be saved by a the "perfect kiss" which here is a metaphor for the wc obviously. n ohmygosh "everything you lose is a step you take"!!!! BRUH???!?!?! every line, from "i didnt chose this town (ie paris)/i dream of getting out/theres just one who could make me stay", to "the jokes werent funny, i took the money/my friends from home dont know what to say" are all SO leo coded.

ney: anti-hero. i ADORE him n theres a lot of people that like him. but theres also a lot of people who like not liking him. hes one of the best in the world, and as great as that is, he has, unjustifiably so, garnered a significant amount of haters (its me, hi, im the problem, its me/at tea time, everybody agrees). hes rlly endured a ton of it throughout the years, but keeps going (pierced through the heart/but never killed). after facing so much backlash, youd probly worry about the people that still support you and how much longer you can hold on to that (one day i'll watch as youre leaving/and life will lose all its meaning). also, hes a rich person. which makes the bridge pretty relatable for him but like in a funny way.

gavi: nothing new. this one is more based off my inner musings than actual like evidence. i have no idea whats going on this lil dudes head. but i know that IF i were in his position, i'd relate to this song a FUCK TON. its basically a song abt being in the spotlight, n being the shiny young thing that has peoples attention. but what happens when thats not true anymore? (Lord, what will become of me/once ive lost my novelty?) what happens in a few years when an even younger prodigy comes around n impresses everyone? (are we only biding time 'til i lose your attention?/and someone else lights up the room?/people love an ingénue). im not gonna write down the whole birdge but its basically abt the inevitably of meeting your replacement. the song basically asks: "will you still want me/when im nothing new?" he seems like a happy dude who probly doesnt think abt this stuff, but if i were a famous promising young soccer player, this stuff would definitely weigh on my mind.

muller: the story of us. Lord forgive my mullendowski heart. i tried to think of a song that would fit jus him n leave shipping out of it but,,, yeah it wasnt happening. in my mind theyre a package deal. anywho the song's about being around someone youre still in love with after youve broken up (now im standing alone in a crowded room/and we're not speaking and im dying to know/is it killing you like its killing me). ik theyre on good terms n all but in my mindbrain i imagine him them being in the same place for the first time since lewy left him bayern and poor thomas jus "nervously pulling at my clothes/and trying to look busy." and my gosh "but you held your pride like you shouldve held me"??? the AUDACITY. i can go off about this whole song tbh. oh n also even tho speak nows a country album this song is kinda,,, rock/punk-ish kinda??? which is to say, its very loud. much like a certain someone. fun fact i almost put seven for him bc of "before i learned civility/i used to scream ferociously/anytime i wanted" but i figured one line wasnt enough for me to put the whole song.

mbappe: evermore. this is a brooding song. a depression song. so i can definitely see this as a post 2022 world cup final song for him. it actually relates to a sports loss very well. (i used to listen to this song n think a oikawa from haikyuu,,, heh). if theres one thing abt mbappe its that hes dedicated. i can see him "replay(ing) my footsteps on each stepping stone/trying to find the one where i went wrong," yknow, jus thinking abt the final over n over. very "i rewind the tape but all it does is pause/on the very moment all was lost." but at the end of it all, hes young, hes talented, n has more world cups ahead of him. ie: "i had a feeling so peculiar/this pain wouldnt be for/evermore."

klopp: dear reader. this whole song is just advice. its taylor dishing out advice to her fans, most of whom are younger than her. kloppo loves his players, he wants to give them good advice that applies not only on the pitch, but off it as well. (dear reader/bend when you can, snap when you have to/dear reader/you dont have to answer, just cause they asked you) however its no secret that our lovely manager can be pretty hard on himself. so its possible that while he gives advice to those he loves, he feels like hes not worthy of giving it (you wouldnt take my word for it/if you knew who was talking).

again, everything stated is speculation, fueled entirely by my delusional lil mindbrain. as i dont know these ppl.

[trash-can-sam]

Can I just say I adore Qi’s relationship with Mint. I feel like its such a good way showing the other side of Qi before they get close enough to see it, and idk I dont think people talk about it enough.

I find it interesting partially because it reveals a lot about Qi’s tendency to be sentimental and hold onto the past (despite the fact he would never admit it.) I find this an interesting aspect of him I dont see brought up enough. He keeps memories of his family and espeically his grandfather very close, I feel like he’s one of the characters with the most photos of family in his room actually (idk correct me if im wrong on that im not sure) and holds on to even small ideas he had as a child (gunghamm mobile suit, katana thing, etc.) 

Now, this could be for several reasons. I feel like a lot of it is rooted in wanting to prove himself to people, wanting to make his dreams reality for himself, absolutely, but also wanting other people to see that he was right to believe in himself and his intellect. He mentions people thinking he was crazy for going to Sandrock, and he doesnt really hide that he wants to be known for his acomplishments. Qi cant stand being wrong and even if it seems impossible to make his childhood dreams a reality he’s going to try his damnedest, so part of the reason he holds onto his childhood dreams is out of spite.

I also feel like theres a component of not wanting to have wasted potential. He talks a bit about how he thinks his parents are wasting their lives and potential by being perfectly content with being simple fishermen who dont desire measurable improvement (money, fish caught, that type of thing). So I feel like he has definetly internalized that dissapointment in his parents by doing the opposite and desiring measurable improvement above all else, because otherwise how can he be sure what he’s doing is worth much?

A lot of this is in contrast to Mint, who doesnt hold onto his past that much. He barely talks about it at all, largely because well, there isnt a lot there. Mint doesnt care that much about proving himself to others, he doesnt care about proving himself to himself. He’s willing to largely take life how its given to him. DONT GET ME WRONG, hes not necessarily a slacker by any means, nor is he unmotivated, But I feel like by Qi’s means he definetly would be.

Mint does what he needs to, he does it well, and he takes a nap. Qi does what he isn’t required to do, does it well, and then does more shit he isnt required (and often he should not) do. In a lot of ways, Mint does what he does directly to help others where Qi does what he does for himself, and if others get helped so be it. You see this in the type of jobs they choose too, with Mint being an engineer who goes around the free cities and helps with town improvement and Qi being a solitary researcher who went to a town on the verge of collapse, not necessarily to help the people there, but to find an old world spaceship, for himself and for recognition for his work.

I also find it interested in how theyre united in their isolation from others. Neither Mint nor Qi really have that many friends. All Mint really has is Gale, whos more of an uncle than a friend really, and all Qi has is well... no one that he acknowleges as a friend ( I feel like hes on a lot friendlier terms with a lot of the town than he would mention BUT THATS FOR ANOTHER TIME ). They both clearly struggle with making friends, Mint because hes on the move, and Qi because its not a goal. For both of them, making meaningful connections with people aren’t really a priority. The priority is always their work, both of them wanting to be recognized more for their work than for themselves as people. 

IDK I just think its very interesting. I could probably write more TBH but this is kind of insane. I just like thinking about them rly theyre the bestest of pals.  

[prozac]

Venting again sorry I know its cringe. Get ready to feel hardcore secondhand embarrassment

It genuinely does feel like nobody understands me. Every time I see posts about depression and schizophrenia they are so lame and gay and watered down. Am I just sick and twisted... sorry I cant accept myself for being a useless human being I dont understand how anybody could if they live like me.

Omfg Im an American and my dad has a job and loves me I should be more useful I should be making money I should be working. Why can I not be more useful to this society or more profitable... I cant even finish commissions because Im so depressed it makes me NAUSEOUS. Its not even caused by anything I'm just like this, thats what sucks even more. Theres no way to fix it through my own means. And doubly so I cant even force myself to get a job because I cant stand for more than 20 minutes without pain. I cant even stand for more than 5 minutes without getting uncomfortable. And I'm not smart enough or fast enough to work as a secretary or anything...

I think what sucks even more is I have friends who love me and want me to succeed, but I just feel like a leech. I feel like a liar and a cheat because I cant do anything and finishing things is hard. Oh god, why Cant I finish DAIL? Because my art sucks? So pathetic and weird. I can't afford to be like this. What do I do?? I cry every day because I am so useless, and unconfident, and yet so so so loved. This is such a stupid problem to have. It's so frustrating to be aware of a problem and still not be fixing it. How am I like this? How do I fix myself?

I am 21 years old and it's like I'm stuck in a pool and I keep grabbing at the edge and trying to pull myself out but my hands keep slipping on the edge. And my awesome friends grab me and pull me out but I just hop right back into the pool. Why do I keep doing that? It doesnt feel like *me*. It's so embarrassing, so cringe, so awkward. I have so many projects and dreams and I keep trying to make them happen but its like I'm hitting some sort of wall. But it's a wall made of cardboard. And whenever I try to punch the cardboard out of the way it doesnt budge. People take the cardboard and move it but then I try to walk through and the cardboard is suddenly there again. WHAT THE FUCK??????

[flyingspicerack]

YOUKAI AU LORE!!!!!

literally just copy pasted what i told ghost in dms no beta we die like men

ok so my youkai au... SO I started thinking about it first when I saw Evan post about theirs, and I saw they they said theirs was more of an isekai style? So like, kinda Inuyasha vibes?? Also mine isn't like... TOO tied into the real hesowar au, bc i dont really know all the canon information so its all just... headcanons and my own worldbuilding (which i love to do i love worldbuilding its what i did for my thesis in art school ANYWAYYYY)) So my thoughts are kinda that theres this youkai world and each of the boys are originally human brothers that were all possessed by the youkai like hundreds of years ago and are now all these 6 powerful youkai that rule over 6 different domains. I think that in each domain, or maybe where all 6 of them converge theres a portal to the human world that opens up? Maybe both.... 7 portals, the strongest one thats always open is in the middle of the domains, each has their own, and their own unique connection to the human realm. I think Ichi, because he's a 9 tailed kitsune, he's connected to like, a specific Inari shrine I think each of the boys excepts for one or two, have like... at least harems or a partner or something at this point? It's later in their lives, idk theyre still young looking WHATEVER IDK, but Ichimatsu hasn't really... expressed any interest in anyone in the realm, yet complains to like, jyushi specifically that he feels particularly lonely. Like none of the people who come to worship him in the realm do it for him, theyre boring, whatever, idk, no connections. And since he's a trickster, the brothers are like "ohhh youre kiniving and play pranks and tricks, why dont you just like, trick a human to to be your mate/bride/spouse, humans are so interesting and quirky" and at first hes like 'no thats fucked up i wouldnt do that' but the he thinks about it ...

SO MEANWHILE, in the human world, this version of Mao, i think, is just in some like... job to pass the time, but they're incredibly lonely, theyre bad at making connections at work, theyre a bit burnt out, just things arent going their way. So, one day on the way home they're just tired, and maybe the route they walk on to and from work is like closed so they take a different route and on their way home they come upon an entrance to a shrine, maybe its a little overgrown, but... somethng calls them in, and they walk up the little stairs and are kinda drawn up to the big donation box. And they kinda just throw a couple coins in and pray and think 'im really lonely, i want companionship but im not sure what to do anymore, maybe i should change careers or just ... change myself completeley ... i need guidance' And theres this voice in the back of their head thats just like 'what if that could come true' and 'give yourself to me' and 'make me more offerings and ill give you a deal you wont refuse' and mao thinks theyre hallucinating from stress but they just empty their coin purse bc theyre kinda compelled to And they realize when they blink a couple times, that THAT was all the money they had on them and still need to buy dinner, so they try to reach down into the donation box to maybe snag back a 500 yen coin but then they fall into the box, and the descent down is a LOT longer than they would have assumed it was, and they land down in there with a thud and look up and around them and now have to figure out how to climb out, and eventually, once they do, and climb up and out of the hole or whatever, they are NOT in that shrine anymore, but somehow in the middle of the forest

SO THEYRE LIKE 'uuhhhh ... what the fuck? Did i hit my head??' and are like 'haha probably hit my head and this is a dream or something' and they dust themself off and start making their way down a path in a random direction to maybe figure out what theyre dreaming about, and theyre walking walking, and SHWOOM, right in front of them flies an arrow and they like, jolt back cause it almost hit them, and theres like ... some kind of lower level like ... imps or goblins or like ... SOMETHING and start fucking chasing mao, because this is some like... you know... uhhh idk if it feudal era? i think thats the term. ANYWAY they have pink hair and are like 'woah this person must have insane magical powers we must kill them and take their magics' and so mao gets chased in the woods all the way to like, a cliffside, and are then cornered, and are like ??????? So since they think its a dream they think if they try hard enough maybe dream logic will work so they maybe jump? immediatley fall and stars screaming, but whats this, something catches them midair and they look up and see theyre in the arms of a man with big ears and pretty red makeup who then like, with the wave of a hand wipes out the imps and lands on the ground with mao in his arms and he finally looks down at them and they share like, locked eye contact for a few moments before hes like 'kind of dumb of you to jump off that cliff considering humans cant fly' AND I HAVE LIKE, some other story beats, but the like... summarized story is that ichi starts to feel guilty for kind of coercing mao to come here so they go on like, a journey together, him protecting them, but teaching them to fight and things, while they travel toward where the domains are converged to get mao into the portal back home, but along the way they both genuinely start to fall for one another and mao eventully gives themself to ichi as his devoted bride/partner/mate and gets like... some minor powers and stuff i thinks... and yeah... hehe..

... heheh yeah... i might wanna draw story beats... i have MORE ideas, like... beats and things that happen on the journey if people wanna hear about those too....

ALSO SOMETHING I NEED TO CLARIFY!! when i say the other boys have partners, its not like... its moreso meant to be like, OTHER PEOPLE who self ship with the other boys, have already claimed them, like... how do i make this make sense.... like ... timeline wise, if like

HYPOTHETICLLY, if you wanted to insert your s/i into MY version of this au specifically, your and the matsu's story would have happened BEFORE mao enters the picture if that makes sense... bc i like the idea of ichi being the last of the brothers to make a connection, only realizing once his brothers have found love, that he wants it too ... haha hehehehehehhehehehe the end

[spacedhead]

homestuck reread #7: a5a2 part 3

this is so fucked up.

but hey check it out. vriska went goat mode

okayyy merry christmas and happy new year to everyone reading. never too late for a happy new year

look at roseee shes serving so hard rn. but unfortunately she is talking to doc scratch. which is something one should never do. especially if one is a light player he really loves to torment light players for some reason

look at how cool jade looks here i would wear the shit out of this outfit if it wasnt approx. 1 trillion degrees in my location. keep slaying girl

what a thing to say. i know what he is talking about and yet i still barely understood what he meant

yeah WHATEVER . most important character my ass. we dont care . booooo. boo

why is jade sprite so sad shes being such a cry baby. honestly normal jade is based for this. jade sprite is just crying and crying for NO REASON. what is even the problem!!!!!

very fucking interesting indeed.... what a funny thing to say. that is VERY FUCKING interesting......

woah he looks so cool i love art i love images. also he looks like has the windows logo on his face... sponsored? hello?

okay so i guess the mayor is having a bad dream. this is pretty scary man... i wonder if its like the ring that he has affecting him in some way. i dont know what it means....

oh? vriska is here now

dawwww shes so EEPY!!! that being said, the next page is [s] wake, and i really fucking hate this one. so im NOT EXCITED.

ARADIA!!!! SHE DID IT!!!! im so happy for her and nothing else happens in this animation so i might as well not watch the rest of it

:(

sigh. man this sucks

look at jade go. she looks so awesome! like a super hero. iron man. tony stark . stucky. i could do this all day . blargh

ok so now im playing another game thing. kanaya and jade just had a conversation about how they have the same role in the two different sessions and how theyre more similar than they thought. also theres some future jade present karkat past jade password shenanigans going on. i loooove when time travel makes no sense and is super confusing. that isnt sarcasm btw. and that wasnt either. also, they updated the sprites in this one so they look way better and sweeeeeeeet. that was 8 e's btw. she isnt even here to appreciate my efforts.....

this is like scott pilgrim to me. theyre about to go at it!!!! who you guys got money on? me personally i bet sollux 3-0s him and doesnt lose a stock

easter egg

anyway yeah guys i was just kidding sollux was no match for eridans insane hope powers. really wasnt even fair to begin with

yeah and now eridan snaps and becomes an incel. sadge. why do people even like this guy?? WHATEVER HES MID HOPE HE DIES SOON RIP BOZO

my honest reaction to eridan to only knocking out the guy he had an actual problem with, but killing two women who he liked and respected

on top of that, gamzee has officially lost it. MAN EVERYTHING IS FUCKING SPIRALING MAN TAVROS IS DEAD KANAYAS DEAD FEFERIS DEAD SOLLUX IS KO'D GAMZEES CRAZY. surely nothing else goes wrong

yeah

karkat....:(

oh.....hey john....nice to see you..... maybe you can lift my mood a little...

STOP CALLING WOMEN CRAZY. even if this one might be a little crazy .. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT

ALALALALLALAAL thats what vriska looks like shes saying. do you see it i see it personally

man now i gotta be equius in this game. lets see how this goes...

SHES SO REAL I LOVE HER. nothing bad will ever happen to her

okay well i reached the end of the game and also the image limit for this post. so ill continue this next time. but i just gotta say

that it was actually pretty good. like go figure the equius one was pretty engaging. equius is very protective of nepeta and it was very sad when he was like "let me take this chance to say goodbye" and nepeta was like "um okay but i will see you soon." like. yeah i guess you will.... :(

i actually liked both of them in this one isolated game . sad for whats gonna happen in the coming pages

[nolanhollogay]

the morality & domestic habits questions for mikey, maybe ? <3

theres A Lot so its all under the cut <3

morality

Does your OC have a moral code? If not, how do they base their actions? If so, where does it come from, and how seriously do they take it?

hmmm, i feel like he does, it's just a bit skewed? bcuz he understands right and wrong and when things are Bad to do, but he's very good at making excuses for when he or the people he loves do bad things

2. Would your OC feel bad if they acted against their morals? If not, would they find a way to excuse themselves for it?

see above but yes, he would feel bad (like in s3 he is really nasty towards edgar and he Knows hes in the wrong) but hes sooo good at making excuses and finding out reasons Why his behavior is okay (in the edgar situation its bcuz he tells himself that edgar is having an emotional affair with rafe and hurting jj so his behavior is justified which is NOT the situation at all)

3. Is it important for them to be with people (socially, intimately, whatever) whose major ideological tenets align with their own?

yes and no! no to him bcuz he sees himself as aware of his beliefs and ideals and doesn't think he can be influenced (hes Wrong) yes, bcuz he needs people with like minds to pull him back to reality

4. Do they consider themselves superior or more important than anyone else? Lesser?

no, despite his whole morality situation, he views everyone as equal, himself included

(those this is tested in s3 hehe)

5. Do your OC’s morals and rules of common decency go out the window when it comes to those they don’t like, or when it’s inconvenient? Aka, are their morals situational?

[thinks about him wanting and trying to kill rafe bcuz he broke his heart, not even bcuz of all of the other terrible things hes done]

6. What do they do when they see someone asking for money or food? If they ignore them, why? If they help, how so?

he tries to give money and food whenever he can bcuz he grew up food insecure and poor so he gets it

7. Do they believe people change over time? If so, is it a natural process or does it take effort?

s1 mikey believes people can change and that it's a gradual process that takes work and effort

s3 mikey thinks people only change for the worse and become bad people no matter what bcuz he's going thru it

8. Is your OC more practical or ideal morally? I.e., do they hold people to high expectations of behavior even if it’s not realistic for the situation, or do they have a more realistic approach and adapt their morality to be more practical?

mikey is way more ideal than he should be, which is why he does the excuses thing

domestic habits

What sort of home do they live in now, if at all? How did they end up there?

he lives in a big ol' house on the cut with his adoptive family! he was adopted when he was thirteen

2. What’s their ideal home look like? Where is it?

his ideal home is living with the person he loves in the burbs with a dog <3 its very vague and non specific bcuz he has no personality, dreams or aspirations

3. Could they ever live in a “tiny home”?

god, no ddhdhd he loves having space and Stuff

4. How clean are they overall with home upkeep?

he's so teenage boy in the way that he is so incredibly messy and does not care about keeping clean

5. How handy are they? Can they fix appliances, cars, cabinets, et cetera?

he's decent with a set of tools if the problem is something that can be fixed straight fowardly, but if it involves wires and shit then he's fucked, he will blow something up

6. How much do they work? What do they do? Do they enjoy it?

he is jobless (rich parents who don't want him to do anything other than be himself (he doesnt even do that))

7. What’s their “dream career” or job situation?

he doesn't have one rip!

8. How often are they home?

not very often, u know bcuz of The Situations

9. Are they homebodies and enjoy being home?

yeah he loves being at home! it's where he feels safest <3

10. Do they engage in any of the arts? How good do you intend them to be? Would they agree they are?

he's been known to draw a poorly done doodle but thats as far as his interest goes

11. What are some of their favorite things to do for recreation? How did they get into it? What part of it do they like the most?

smoke weed and play video games dhdh the weed is jj's fault but the video games are from his older brother, james & he likes the way being high makes him feel and he likes the sense of accomplishment that comes with beating a game

12. Would they enjoy a theme park?

yeah baby hes always down to clown

[wanderrlust0]

T-T

also my bf is being weird again….!!!! everyy time i hang out with snow (which has been a month or two apart) he gets weird with me again!!! he acts cold and short with me and its always like the next day. he swears im gonna cheat or not want him anymore, no matter how much i tell him that i wont and that i love him too much to think about wanting to leave him. like, i feel secure in our relationship and theres only a few things that could make me feel like its not. when he gets all anxious like this about us i feel like its bc he just doesnt feel fully secure with the relationship.. even tho weve been together for 4.5YeaRs. hes also had way more dreams than he should be having of me breaking up or leaving him. bc of his anxiety and fear of being cheated!!! like he gets upset bc they feel real in his dream and then he thinks what if its trueee. i feel like thats not fair to me in a way bc im not doing anything bad behind his back or seeking out someone else to make me happy. i also think maybe him feeling insecure with himself plays a factor into it. like maybe he feels like no one wants to stay with him or i dont love him anymore and he doesnt feel good about himself and then ends up suffering in his thoughts alone and becomes a hermit crab. i didnt mention anything to his mood yesterday bc i didnt wanna pester him with more to think about and i wont be able to see him in person for like a wk. i just wanted to seem fine..but maybe ill say something today. yesterday when i was contemplating on talking about it, i was going to be like howve you been, are you okay, do you still love me. mostly the do you still love me question bc seriously. so im also thinking that he saw snows bday post on ig since theyre not private and saw how they posted my card&drawing i did for them and ofc that made him feel a type of way. like, why is she making good art for someone else. i did it bc they didnt even want me to buy a gift for them or treat them or anything. they suggested to make something bc they like to display art in their room from other friends who have given them art. like the two people who i met the other day, they both create digital art of people. but thats why i made that drawing. aaand im planning on painting something for my other friend for her xmas gift. so i dont see giving my art as like a romantic gesture or anything, its just another way to give a personalized gift and it saves money lol. like, i just wanna shout “you have nothing to worry about!” i mean they were literally gushing to me about a guy they started seeing and they went on their first date yesterday and texted me about it and im just replying like im their hypewoman. i feel like this whole thing is making it feel like his worst nightmare and it shouldnt beeeee

edit: 12.14 / alright so i asked him “do you still love me?” and he says, “well yeah, nothing has happened yet to make me think otherwise” ………YET….. YET?!? like why are you beingggg like thiss to meee

[onmymasa22]

Important notice

I have officially converted.

I have been a member of the church of tasters choice for the past few years. And i have realized the error of my ways. And when Jacobs found me, I was confused and alone. I was told to just buy the green bottle and all my tasters choice past would be forgiven. I hope that you, too, know, if u are ever at your lowest, jacobs will save you, with a coffee that smells more like coffee.

Can we just take a second. Why is there not a stand up bit on donald trumps fifty names? Could his parents not decide?

So im a girl who would much rather be called funny than pretty. Funny takes work, funny risks things. I will make a total and utter fool of myself to get whoever to laugh. I will

Unless im with u, i dont need to be called pretty. Favorite compliments: i love and cant get enough of for a boost: wow, ur really funny. And "hey, i remember u, u were the nicest one there"

Unless im with u, there

U know what compliments girls cant get enough of?

Being acknowledged for how smart we are.

Yes, im a ditz sometimes, especially if theres something funny there, but someone acknowledging that im smart is a surefire way to become my favorite.

When people remember you for being nice. My grandmother told me since i was about 5, U r pretty. Its a fact. Ur never gonna have to worry about boys liking u. U just need to work on ur insided. Work on being nice. Its more important to be nice than right i was told. Make sure ur inside is a nice place to be. And i constantly work on being nice, being a good person, loving myself and spreading that to loving others. Its not easy when ur trying to find the balance between having debilitating social anxiety where talking outloud is not something easy, and having a

One time i was at a party and something funny happened spur of the moment, and i made

Oh how i love getting to be a fourth year art student who can say- this is my screw it era. Screw it, i want to make the art art that i want to make, screw it, screw u, screw it all. You get one shot at living the dream of going to art school. Plenty of ppl can think "what if i studied what i really wanted instead of whatever majes money" and u know what? The bachelors of fine arts i will have in july is really a culmination of taking 4 years to learn about myself. To stydy the way i think about things. To be better at comunicating my ideas proficiently and eloquently.

These 4 years, while also being hard, having days that i cried at the end or in the middle of it, days that i yelled, days that i wanted to slam all the doors that exist in the world. They were also days of dancing, days of long hugs, days of music playing while we sat in the sun drawing trees with charcoal. Days we joked, days we told stories. Days we had real honest to gd conversations, infront of everyone, or privately. Our class wasnt like any other class that shared the building with us. I can say that in college, i went to school with 15 of my best friends. We were all best friends. We all started the day giving hugs. We all ended the week on a tuesday of Wednesday saying good shabbos. We shared dinners and cake and breakfast. We helped eachother out, with thought processes, building stuff, or watching everyone's kids. We saw our friends have babies. We danced at weddings. We held eachother during breakdowns or panic attacks. From coffee dates, to pizza, ice cream, trips to the kotel, gan Sacher, museums, trains, buses, cars, galleries, homes, grocery stores, holidays. Taken test together. We have all given pieces of ourselves to eachother. What an honor. When they tell us that we had a good class, thats really what it is, we had a really good class.

U know what i love about going to a religious college? That when i whatsapp my favorite teacher that I'll be showing up 2 weeks late because of flight cancelations, the first thing she says is "r u by rabbeinu?"

U want for life to be dofferent and u hate ur life. But ur ok. U will do what u want to do. Go buy the chiffon u want. Make the shawl u want. Be the girl you want. Do what you want. Be as much you as u can. This was a bad trip. Ok. Some r good. Some r bad. It happens. Now in a week u get to get up. Amd just be u. Ull paint a scarf in greece on the beach. Before u know it, ull b having a blast in israel.

Whst do u do wjen u have been using the excuse of "sorry, im not in the country right now" to get out of seeing ppl u dint want to see, when u go back to real life? Can someone give a

New motto: I can't, I have plans tonight.

When ur writing a paper on jewish history and art and u have so many gaps is ur geography and history knowledge. Like all of navi has no sequence in my brain. All i know is that we were in the desert 40 years and a bunch of years later, we were in exile.

When you are trying to figure out jewish history cuz the last time they actually tried to teach u navi was fourth grade and u were probably doodling, so theres a huge gap, where ur like "why did we want a king" and "where did we all go" amd "why were we so divided"

After leaving egypt, we were in the desert for 40 years. Yehoshua led bnei yisrael to canaan, conquered and divided it. After yehoshua dies, we have judges as leaders because we were struggling after yehoshua died. We kept getting conquered by surrounding nations during these times. The judges included otniel- the king of kush messopotamia conquered us for 8 years. we defeated the 8 year oppression of kush, then we had 40 years of peace. Then ehud- we defeated moav oppression.

The jews were tired of the cycles of judges and wanted a king like the other nations

and kings. Shaul. Then dovid. Then shlomo, we got forst beis hamikdash.

I feel like anxiety is when ur taking too much control. Or the affects of anxiety. Ur taking more control.

Im sitting here crying because as a fourth year art student, my mom wants me to stamp with an onion. Im so hurt and frustrated. Im an artist. Im not going to stamp with an onion.

Im going to buy the silk. And ill paint it in greece because i want to. I like the texture of it. I see something in it that others might not see. And thats it.

U know what. Maybe its not what she wants. But this is what i want. We did that assignment already and i didnt like it the first time.

[red-velvet-0w0]

8, 12

8) any reacurring dreams: no not really. ive had some when i was young. I do occasionaly have a nightmare where im naked in a public space and need to get out of there, but its a different public space each time. also the beast that ruined my life keeps showing back up in my nightmares from time to time but hey thats what having trauma does i suppose. also not really a reacurring dream, but theres a reacurring figure of the spirit of the ocean that shows up in my dreams from time to time and has apparantly also showed up in some of my friends dreams who just watches me from a distance and occasionaly helps me, but has apparantly been more direct in some other peoples dreams.

12) What is some good advice you want to share: Learn how to cook. dear god people please learn how to cook. if you are a parent please teach your kids how to cook. I keep hearing people go "oh i spend so much money going out for food but i mean it just tastes so much better and is healthier and it just takes so much less time and effort" NO. it costs so much less money and if you learn how to cook it is so rewarding and fun and when you start getting better at it your food tastes so much better than something you can buy for the same price and you can customize it exactly to your prefferences and using fresh ingredients in your food will make it so much healthier for you and you will be so much happier i promise. guys please learn to cook your own food its so much fun. sometimes i just make up a meal for the hell of it and then it becomes my new favorite meal for weeks because you can just do that. or you can take a recipe you like and just change it to fit your tastes. and you can learn how to take any random assortment of items into your fridge and turn it into the most delicious thing you could ever think of. please guys im begging you learn how to cook.

[audible--silence]

I could talk the leg off a chair

“Ive seen more life in a morgue” - cbh on jan 26

Cant even afford my own midlife crisis

What should I do? Comes the deep down question.

“Whatever you want “

“Something noble”* out of easy reach

“Kill your self”

Come the answers

The latter still scares me

I never get used to it

I feel like im always waiting for the worst to hit

The best never comes

But neither does the worst

Yet im still here breathing

Unsure on what to do next

Just when I started to get used to it.

The luxury of close friends.

The type that you get to see

The ones you see week to week and face to face.

The ones you feel like yourself with.

The ones you never have to miss.

The feeling of home

The luxury of knowing the crowd

The power of being known.

To stare down the barrel of leaving it all again is suddenly more daunting than it used to be. To stare down everything you know and love and say “I’ll catch up with you again” is suddenly ambitious for i worry this time, maybe I’ll be left behind by them

“You didnt walk, you just floated”

“We dont see eye to eye, but we see eye to eye about it”

Night night sleep tight dont let the existential dreadbugs bite

The last lesson Jimmy might’ve taught me is that no matter how shit it gets, no matter how awful your life turns, no matter how much you abuse your body in the name of fun, no matter how alone you feel, despite your family or friends, you can take yourself out of this life at any moment you choose

“Who ordered a yappachino”

“You’re a social terrorist”

“You look like thd loading screen character “

“I see people for who they are. Minorities.”

“He’s a great bloke when he’s asleep”

I heard stories a plenty of people who had no purpose and then later found one and felt reinvigorated with life. More uncommon is going the other way and finding yourself losing the passion and love you previously had for life. To realize that you don’t find much enjoyment in anything much in particular after previously

To feel alive is to stand upon a volcano and be in awe of the sight before you.

To surf a wave you didnt think youd make

To score a goal you didnt think youd kick

To snag a photo you couldn’t have imagined

When you take a bite of something delicious that you wouldn’t ordinarily pick.

To meet someone with a smile so sweet and a soul so warm and a heart to match the two

These are what i will spend my life chasing

Not money

Not dreams

Just moments of pure and undeniable joy and love of life

“They make drinking somewhere between a pastime and a competitive sport”

Mind like a diamond, tongue like a chainsaw

In one day i feel more at home and comfortable in someone else’s family dinner than at my own. I am a stranger in my family, devoid of love and understanding and ripe with sharpened knives and guards up. I find myself swimming in melancholy as i sit in the living room as an observer to their chaotic and loving raucous. They’re obviously tapped. But they love each other and accept their differences.

Theres a joy in the room that i dream off and will never experience.

That love you only find in family.

Its easy to forget it exists when you haven’t experienced it and dont see it often so to then stare it in the face, knowing the abundance of joy these guys experience is not isolated to a unique moment and to know that they all grew up and will continue to grow up with this as their family experience makes me long for something i never had.

“$120 for therapy. Thats like 12 bubbleteas and i think that will make me far happier”

The problem with loving a lot of things is that we’ll always be satisfied and never be content

Feels weird to be getting to the age where people stop telling you “you’re young! You have time!”

“Everyone raise your glasses… buffalo”

All cap no god

The older i get, the more acutely aware that what I have with my friends, this army of extended mates and small circle of incredibly close mates, is really not normal

“She steps in the shit by putting her foot in her own mouth”

One day you’re stealing showers from a caravan park while living out of your car by the beach and the next you’re paycheck to paycheck with sensodyne toothpaste and a sore back

“Till death does it’s part”

“On a never ending quest to put holes into the bottom of my vans”

“Put a burrata on a mouse trap”

Plodding along happily in existential terror haha

Its like putting out a fire with a bandaid.

My desire to never be bored has made me boring. Its impossible to have an interesting thought when your brain craves constant distraction

“I am aggressive! I give bad reviews to airbnbs n shit”

The city as a dreamer is an thrilling and miserable experience. Every new face is a chance to connect. Everyone could be someone. Everyone could be the one. Sitting on the edge of your seat in anticipation only to walk home by your lonesome again and again knowing the chances are out there somewhere but yet again, you failed to find them today.

Maybe tomorrow.

Maybe you’ll change.

“Bros tryna gaslight me into thinkin hes funny”

If the body keeps the score, mines lost count

[gabenvrhappened]

MoviesOr... Thelma

Part of me wanted to close my notebook, but part of me couldn't stop watching Thelma. Even though it's being screened in movie theatres here in Toronto, which would be the ideal setting for me, I just had one of those days where I wanted to lay back, eat something that I didn't have to meticulously cook, and watch a movie I knew I would like. I wasn't wrong. June Squibb is such a lovely and skilled actress that you can count on to deliver good performances and stories. The first time I saw her was on the US version of Shameless — a TV show that, for five seasons, was the best thing I ever decided to try it out, but that shattered my heart ever since — and since then, I've admired how sweet she is. It's so special for me to see her acting steady and strong at such an advanced age that I can't help but being inspired by her, hoping that, likewise, I will make it this far in my career. I mean, imagine starring in an action movie at 96 years old? Not for everyone.

While we watch our unexpected heroine trying to get her money back after being scammed by phone callers pretending to be her grandson and his laywer, we're involved in both funny and delicate situations revolving around the reality of our elderly (partialy, at least). It's impossible not to draw parallels with people in our lives who, just like her, struggle to write on a computer or close an ad. How sweet is it to see, every now and then, our little lady thinking she saw someone she knew, only to realize she didn't know that person at all (not after a long minute of discussing possible previous encounters, of course)? The caring moments are juxtaposed with a serious touch on matters that we all know are inevitable but don't ever want to come, such as when our seniors become a liability to us. It’s touching to see Fred Hechinger's character beating himself up for losing track of his grandmother due to, as he thinks, a neglect on his part. With such hard parents, Thelma is more than just a grandmother to him; she is one of the most important people in his life. His acting here is completely emotional and special. If I'm surprised by anything, it's how I confused him with Logan Miller (from Love, Simon) — let's be honest, theres a resemblance.

Other special moments include the whole sequence involving the lady with that special smile, played by the lovely Bunny Levine, who has a gun in her house and that decided that she wouldn't pick a war against the cockroaches that never stop coming (as if they were the modern version of Hydra of Lerna); or the cute guy from the antique shop, played by the upcoming talent Aidan Fiske, if we forget that he's a bad person for thinking it's right to take advantage of old people — which I did considering that I obviously ran to search every detail I could about him on the internet as soon as the credits rolled over.

To be fair, there's not much to be said about the movie, except that it's incredibly original and portrays touchingly how it is to be old, piercing, specially, the heart of those who still don't know how it really feels to be old. It reminded me of this lady I considered my grandmother, who died of Alzheimer’s years ago. At the same time, it's a punch in the stomach to see what the future holds for us. Today, I proudly walk around the streets, fast and carefree, loving every inch of freedom I have while feeling like I'm running out of time to reach the finish line of my dreams. But tomorrow is coming just as fast as I spot some white hairs here and there. If, by my nineties, I'm able to do such badass things as driving around on a scooter while carrying a gun to teach some bad guys a lesson, then it's fine by me. Especially if you trade the gun for a microphone and the bad guys for a crowd. There's nothing much more to ask than that, and that June Squibb keeps delivering us more and more special characters like her delightfully fearless Thelma.

[ghost-of-the-machine]

ughh

i keep having like? i keep having dreams where my mom protects me and its kind of upsetting me

why is it so frequent? i keep having them where she keeps me safe or says she'll always be here for me, and if its not my mom directly its some motherly figure protecting me. im like GROWN TOO im not a little kid but i always feel like i am, i feel so powerless, helpless, afraid.. and i hide behind my mom because she will keep me safe, right?

this time it was my sister, she was being so fucking mean to me like how she used to, to the point where like. i had to go in this building with her and her bf and she told me to get out of the car real hostile like and i was clearly scared and about to cry and my mom was like hey. we'll go together, okay? and she held my hand and the building? was like this dark like. SOME KIND OF LIQUOR/SMOKE SHOP, it stressed me out and then when my mom came with me it turned into a pretty candy store and she let my sibling get whatever they want but . im too conscious of our money so i didnt get anything before the dream switched

then i was at like? the store owner had these policies ensuring people didnt ABUSE THEIR KIDS in her store, saying like hey. if yr kid tries and steals something, ill catch them, no need to yell at them or get physical. if theyre loud, its alright, theres plenty of other kids here so its probably gonna be loud regardless like. idk it made me really sad cuz that meant she had dealt with it enough to make explicit rules about children being hurt or scared in her building. and immediately my brain knew she was someone i could trust

my family like left but . i got in the car with my moms husband instead cuz i thought they were gonna get in but he drove off too fast and then he was being really reckless and driving into oncoming traffic and shit and it was really scary cuz hes like. ive been in the car with him pulled over by the cops cuz he was speeding before he drives so horribly i feel so unsafe when he drives, and yknow who it makes me think of? my mom, because even if my mom has bad road rage, shes safer than him

the car crashed obviously and i was hurt and scared and i just wanted my mom and i managed to make it back to the candy store cuz it had like a proper daycare section now i guess?? and i dont know. my moms bf was like unhinged and i. ive had too many dreams where im afraid of him, afraid of what he'll do. i made it back to the place and i guess the kids there were also scared cuz they knew he was gonna come back and the lady was like reassuring us and she said that no ones getting hurt here, and that shes gonna do everything in her power to keep us safe

idk it made me feel good that like. even though i was obviously an adult she was still there to comfort me and assure me cuz i was fucking scared, just like the kids were i was terrified and she didnt exclude me from that safety

i think i have mommy issues guys 💀💀 i dont know why i keep having these dreams. maybe being neglected as a child makes you grow up too fast and then you suddenly cant be grown up enough when yr actually an adult. when they fight, i feel so small.. i feel like a child again, listening to violence thru the walls. i wish i could be brave, i wish i could be a MAN, be an adult, but im too scared..

why does my head crave that motherly comfort? i dont understand.. my mom isnt a bad mom. shes an okay mom, not a great PERSON, but an okay mom. shes done a lot for me and i appreciate it, but.. be there for me is not one of them. maybe im sad, maybe i wish i could have a mother that i can say with 100% certainty i love. i wish i could have a mom who was there for me and cared more about me and i wish she was .

she used to be really mean to me, after she kicked her bf out several years ago (got us nothing in the end cuz hes fucking back so whatever) . i think she missed fighting and needed someone to focus her anger on. i remember one time she came into my room and screamed at me for doing something wrong? something i DIDNT do, and then when she found out it was my sibling who did it, i guess she tired herself out cuz she just said whatever

it got so bad that like. everyone knew she was treating me unfairly. my siblings thought she was, i thought she was, and SHE thought she was. that time we were sitting in the car with my sister and she was like yeah im too mean to you, you dont deserve that. and i was just. quiet. what do i say? do i say 'yes, you are too mean to me'? probably not, my sister is my moms number one yes man, if i said anything implying my mom was less than an angel she'd direct her anger towards me. AGAIN. but i cant say no cuz that would be a lie. i just said it was fine and she said it wasnt and that was the end of it. i dont even remember if things changed

or like that time? she called me a disappointment for failing in highschool and when i jsut left, and went and sat in my siblings room, SOMETIMES she feels remorse and she comes and apologizes cuz i think deep down she does love me. but this time? no, she just came in and KEPT going, saying it was my fault and that she doesnt have shit to apologize for. okay!!!! that was when the elections were happening too , thats when she started becoming a worse person, more right wing yknow. its sad watching someone i used to admire dissolve into just.. garbage, yknow? ugh

i almost had a panic attack at my grandparents house one time cuz she raised her voice like. not AT me but i was still there and then my sister started harassing me when i got all quiet cuz i was SCARED and my brother and grandma tried to stick up for me but i just went to the back room and i couldnt fucking breathe. and then later my sister had the audacity? when we went to the park later she was like hey. btw. its not MY fault you were being weird like. whatever, fuck off

i wish i loved my family!!!!! i wish i had a family i was capable of loving. i wish i had a family who didnt hurt me, i wish i had a family that didnt make me feel like.. like im not always safe in my home. ive never ever felt safe, from my earliest memories to my most recent, its just.. carnage. dreadful

[f0xd13-blog]

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Nooo this is right. This is exactly the german style yall gonna do in the next couple of years

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Only to black people apparently

Oh well they never learn.. they keep ostracizing us from what was our job for centuries just to be the center of attention and everything they touch starts failing

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I agree that you are a killer

Oh well let us move on... i blocked everything wrestling on facebook and will also do a new insta page and keep myself away from those nasty people

... they are literally here to destroy peoples dreams and pretend they are inspiring people... so pathetic.

Yass just have my culture and keep pretening that you victim at the same time you are priv idc... i gave up, my people gave up... no one will ever be that direct to tell you this. Keep your vibes where you pretend everything is ok while y0ur society keep failing.

The part where they thought that just co they took my insta again they could do all that stuff and make people believe it came from their own heads tho

Ahahaha nasty americans don learn they think they are the smartest then just make a fool of themselves

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What a clown i didn't even had clothes had to use oversized old ones from idk who

"Behind a great mem there's a great mother" with messi and ronaldo is also a funny one... so if you don havea good mother you ain't a good men? No possibility of that... ahahaha... men what a fail. I didn't had a great father or mother and i still turned out better than all of you.

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Take your own advice... it's exactly what y'all do.

Pride of the gypsies and rosalia wasnt part of the disrespect when they wrote this

No celeb has my respect. What a lesson this was.. literally celebs are more fake than i thought... even the make people dream is all a game

They want m to respect kobe bryant althought they never respected any gypsy star from europe ever like you look at their shit and not even one... but you have jews and mariachis lol

Celebs specially americans are so delusional.. and they keep thibking anything that has happened is just normal like they hasn't trumatized the world at this point oh my what a silly fucking mentality... i wonder how they can win so much money with those brain cells honestly

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Thats the thing... thats why im freaking out.. i never failed!!! Yall was the ones that did! What a bunch of shitheads. Grow a pair of balls and be responsible for the shit yall done!!

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I should do a project now called malmequer which is a black jamaican that changes his color and pretends to be jamaican, rasta and bob marley

I cannot do exactly the same coz theres no way of erasing muhammad ali like they did to rukeli and a lot of other shit but at least he nasty impression that made gypsies kill themselves is possible

[effyoudumbler]

Notes written when I was insane 1

I name things I like, after things I wish to understand

That’s the crux of me, isnt it. All that I like, is that which I have Desire to understand, and yet, simply Cannot. If I could, I would, and so, I wouldn’t have any reason to like that thing anymore. Tragic.

In order to every enjoy things, I have to severely limit my acuity. That, or, I have to be paying attention to just one part about it I dont understand

Oh

Yeah

“

“

I was hunting those animals

And played my misery

But then

It turned out to be birds

Building a nest for a family

…

That is surreallity.

Why was he hunting them

Who is he

Why is he there

The only clue is his appearance

A nobody really

And

The music he played

And how he stopped and seemed

Longing, and sorrowful

Very subtle

Looked forlorn, incomplete

Staring, with a mild, sad turn of his lips

Once he realized theres no animal

Birds

Building a nest

And so he leaves

Why was I shown this

Why is this something that the man remembers

Its obviously about longing for a family

But

Its so

Dreamlike, of an interpretation

It seemed like nothing happened

And yet

In his eyes, this was very, deeply important

Yes, in his eyes….

The sad man, and the nesting roost of birds in his properties woods

So close

So far

Unobtainable

In pain

Hurt

Humans were built to worship

Poor man

When a man dies, his treasures die with him

Such is fate

All of this dream, is but a song

That takes me somewhere else

So that I can endure the wild real life

All of my endeavors

Are but love

A mechanical inclination of hunger

Desiring to… how to put it…

Be greater than even the pulse of Time itself

To be immortal

But also

Something more

To be pure again

To be pure, again

I am obsessive because I am scared

Im scared because my autism produces extra stress, and on top of that, makes stress deplenish very slowly

Im stronger than i realize

If i can be up 32 hours no sweat

Coffee sure is something

What was that garbage mother handed me long ago

It hardly worked at all

This shits the real stuff

Like

Wow

Id have DOUBLE the time to do anything

Any

Thing

Woahhhhhhhhh

All of the things

Double double double double

I give up

And the reason is

I mask around others

So hard

Ive lost my way

And Im stubborn to a fault

Dammit

So thats how i die

I see it so clear now

I will die due to my action of stubborness

If not random chance

Refusing to admit there is a problem

Well

More so

Im so lonely

Short term gains

I cant live without it, I say

I say

I say

Whenever have I proved

Witgout confidence

There is no future

I cannot keep masking

But

I dont want to be weak

Vulnerable

Why

Youre obsessed with that

Without confidence

There is no future

I just

Without money

I feel no confidence

Forced to talk

To leave

I feel no confidence

I cant trust my family

I dont want to be weak

I also have a burning curiosity

When i was younger i wouldnt have minded being weak

But not anymore

Weakness gets you worse than death

Loneliness

…

How can i do work when im starving

How cqn i eat when i have to cook

How can i cook if i have to clean

How can i clean when people wont help

When everything is so ugly

Then i have to shower

And defecate

Tsk

You are a person who must fold to Anxiety

Think of this

Once anxiety hits you

You should do everything you can

To obliterate it

“But then ill get new anxieties”

So what

So what

They were always there anyway

Whether or not you tried now or later

You must tackle anxieties

The moment they appear in your head

You are where your treasure is

If my wife worked at like

Some shitty job hauling plutonium

Damn sure I’d go there with her

Just to be in the surrounding vicinities of her

Its what I feel must be done

I want a wife who wants a helicopter husband

Cringe

Sigh

[ts-witchy-archive]

Hi! 

I stumbled across your blog and I love it :)

So I don’t really know who to talk to you about this or how, but I have very vivid dreams every single night—

I can hear myself talk in them, I can make decisions in my dreams. It’s very much like reality.

My intuition is always very strong as well in the real world; I’ve been told that my gateway and my power, but I have trouble with knowing where to go with it. Knowing that dreaming and my intuition are two of my strongest qualities!

Any tips or ideas on how to blossom further? Or if these qualities are just considered normal?

Hi Anon!

Thank you so much for your ask and I'm so happy to hear you like my blog. It means the world, really!

I'm going to be completely honest, I'm probably the last person who you should ask about dreams because I don't actually remember my dream. I could list on 2 hand the amount of times I've remembered my dreams across my whole life. HOWEVER, I have researched it out of curiosity and listened to people talk about their experiences. Also, I have a pretty decent intuition.

Firstly, I wouldn't consider these qualities normal. Yes, everyone dreams (like 5-10 times per night) but not everyone has vivid ones that they remember. and yes, everyone has an intuition but not everyone is in tune with it. So, congrats! you've already done like, half the battle of figuring out how to connect with these.

As for taking these abilities a step further, I would honestly just recommend playing with them and trying to use them on a daily basis. After each vivid dream take note of what you see, write it down when you wake up then try to decipher the symbols without a guide book. Use your intuition to guess which song will play next on your playlist or who a text message is from before you check your phone. Psychic gifts are exactly the same as muscles, the more you use them the stronger they will get. Meditation is another great way to strengthen both of these.

If you want to go full hardcore psychic bootcamp, I would recommend Psychic Witch by Mat Auryn. It's a fantastic book with 93 exercises to strengthen and build your intuition. He explains everything better than I ever could.

You mentioned not knowing where to go with your intuition. I really want to emphasise playing with your abilities and having fun with them. Theres a lot of fear mongering in the witchcraft community of 'oh if you do this thing wrong slightly wrong your whole life will fall apart!' but that just simply isn't true. Have fun and see what peaks your interest. You're allowed to use your intuition and dreams for silly things. Play and enjoying yourself is a huge part of spirituality (in my opinion). Fly in your dreams, swim in a bath of money, become best friends with a talking bird! Who cares! Take bets with your friends on what the waitress's name is, play guess the number games, people watch and use your intuition to guess facts about them! It doesn't matter because ultimately, you're understanding yourself and your abilities better.

Finally, I just want to stress how important it is to be aware of your mental state. When dealing with very vivid dreams or a super strong intuition sometimes we can get intrusive thoughts or very vivid nightmares that we might confuse with our abilities. If you start to notice you're getting really anxious please talk to someone.

sorry this has been super long. I hope this help at least a little bit :)