#and then whenever the fuck book 3 comes out i will hopefully have 3 illustrations to complete the set
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domo-arts · 7 days ago
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Dark Rise // Dark Heir
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md3artjournal · 4 years ago
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Confidence still fragile, but maybe ready to add more practices to my every day?  Writing practice?  I just hope my paranoid depression is wrong.  
12:24 AM 9/21/2020 I forgot to write about this earlier.
Earlier this month, I had an epiphany while watching a YouTuber who said that you don't need this or that, to be a writer; you just have to write.  And what astounded me was that one of the unnecessary criteria for writer in that list was "reading a lot".  I used to be a complete bookworm and write a lot of narratives on top of my journalling.  But after high school, I got fed up with reading and swore off novels.  Sure, I switched to comic books and manga, but I also read a whole lot of fanfic, and I think that fanfic reading really fuelled my writing of stories.  I had a community and I was exposed to a lot of narrative prose styles.  So when I left even that regular reading, I thought "That's it; I don't have the experience and skills anymore to be a writer.  And all my essay and journal writing doesn't count when I say Writing."  
But maybe I should return to Writing. For the longest time, I've been so lacking in confidence, that I can't even go find a job, let alone open commissions.  All because I dont' believe I"m good at anything.  And my illustration/art blatantly proves that my art isn't good enough to get me jobs.  But it's what I studied in school.  And school made me too suicidally depressed to return for more.  The only reason I survived the first time was because I promised myself that I'd never have to return to anything like it ever again.  So if that first degree in art didn't yield me any employable skills, enough to overcome my unconfidence, depression, and paranoid low self esteem view of myself, then I've got nothing.  But eveyrone continues to say that I'm good at writing.  I havne't written stories/narratives in forever, and certainly not on a regular basis like I used to.  And I've forgotten writing styles.  So I didn't believe it.  But maybe I should try writing again.  After all, writing is what I've ALWAYS done, ever since I could remember, even before I became a bookworm, and if essays/journaling counts, then even after I stopped bookworming.  And I can't say I've stoped thinking like a writer.  I'm still gathering information and looking at everything like fodder for my imagination.  I used to say, even during tough times in my life, that at least I could use it for my writing.  But now that I stopped identifying as a writer, I've started thinking "I could use this for my imaginary landscapes and daydreams, my imagination".  But maybe I never really left being a writer.  ;u;?  
Maybe I should add writing to my daily art practices.  Yeah.  I"ll try to write 10min everyday, like suggested by STart With This podcast's challenge.  10min or a minimum of 3 paragraphs, whichever comes first.  I just don't want to write a bunch of word-count-chasing empty trash like my first NaNoWriMo.  I want to write like I used to craft fanfics in college.  
I'm just so glad to know that I can still be a writer, even if I'm not avidly reading novels all the time anymore.  Because I really got burned-out from novels an I don't really want to return.  Though, knowing me, if I really get back into writing, then I may return to novel reading because I want to.  Hell, I've felt that way this past month, remembering the Ann McCaffery books I used to read and suddenly feeling like re-reading that Tamora Pierce book I have lying around.  Maybe I can de-couple the trauma from that burn-out; after all, the English teacher who incurred that burn-out is dead.  I know it's morbid, but---I don't care because I've always had a serial killer's sense of humor---it's really comforting to me, whenever I remember a traumatic memory (which is fucking often) but I can realize that by this age, all those people involved are already dead.  So why attach reading to the trauma that that old English teach gave me?  She's dead!  I'm free!  Reading can be whatever attachment _I_ want to give it now!  Pffftttttttt!!!!!!!!!!  
My only worry now is that being in such a good place mentally/emotionally, that I can feel motivated to and attempt to add more daily practices to better myself (whether drawing, exercise, singing, etc.), usually immediately preceedes some kind of attack from my mom that will stun my Growth.  And instead of finally having the tentative confidence to try to do more with my day, Ii'll be hiding in bed for a week, crying, afraid to leave my room, leave my bed, while trying to recover from whatever trauma her emotional attacks gave me.  -.-;;;;  This seems to happen a lot, that this current apprehension tonight was reflexsive.  Ugh. After all, today I was already hiding in my room and avoiding her, because someone else sest her off and she does have a tendency to take out her anger on anyone around.  I can only hope that thsi reflexsive intuition is just paranoia from my usual depression.  I'll just try to lay low, just in case, but act normal enough to take on these new daily practices to try to improve myself.  
I need to write 10min, draw from real life references, draw my monthly challenge, watch anime, maybe play a videogame, and hopefully read manga.  I've finally started to get into the habit of watching anime daily again, thankfully.  And I think I'm close to sketching from real life references everyday, after today being the first time breaking a 2-day streak of that.  So if I can just add writing and maybe read some manga before bed tonight, maybe I can finally do more things to improve myself.  Maybe I can even wake up earlier to get more things done.  Maybe the notion of getting more things can motivate me to get up earlier tomorrow?  *O*!?  Yeah, I'll read some manga, go to sleep, practice writing tomorrow on top of the other daily practices, and maybe setup my new game console or at least play some Guilty Gear.  Fighting games was a big part of my life an helped me practice fighting spirit and handling my emotion; I really want to return to playing every day too.  
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lovingnikiforov · 7 years ago
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Trying this again (evidently I discovered a keyboard shortcut for posting earlier...fun). Tagged by @bandaged-chessmaster, thanks Annie!!
1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?
Ahh, I’m super melodramatic and I had a different AO3 account that some people (read as, my parents) found so I went: “no one will find this because I’m…..writing from the shadows.”
2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/subscriptions/hits/kudos)
Bookmarks-  Equivalent Exchange (144) Subscriptions- Equivalent Exchange (303) Hits-  Illustrations of Lying (6560) Kudos-  don’t you ever tame your demons (511)
3. What is your AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?
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I wanted something that had a degree of personalization without actually being me in the icon so this is great because I’m also a black woman (and she’s hiding her face so it fits the melodrama I got going on).
4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?
!!! I have so many amazing commenters who I see on most of my fics (and yes I do remember your usernames). I’m actually working on an appreciation list for @ficwritersweek next week so stay posted!
5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?
My all-time favorite fic is a HP fic called Cunning and Ambition. The writers went through and rewrote the first five HP books with Harry in Slytherin house. It’s technically unfinished because they didn’t write all seven books but….it’s so fucking good.
6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?
So many jfc. Can’t believe I have to count this and AO3 won’t tell me….I’m subscribed to 48 stories. I have 434 bookmarked.
7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?
Mafia Boss!Dazai…but is it really an AU or am I just predicting the future?
8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)
Subscriptions: 113 Bookmarked: 816
9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)
🤔🤔 nope. 10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.
Replying to comments!! I generally don’t reply because I never know what to say and then I feel bad bc people are so nice to me rip
11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?
Popular ships. Across the…6 or 7 (?) fandoms I’ve written for I think I’ve only ended up writing for a rarepair once. No that’s a lie, I just remembered I decided to pick up every single rarepair in one fandom and write for them all but that’s a long story.
12. How many stories have you posted on AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?
Across 2 AO3 accounts and fics I’ve orphaned….probably somewhere around 50.
13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?
In general...idk somewhere in the hundreds. In just my fic folder 56.
14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?
Write them down. I have story ideas just floating between so many notebooks it’s a mess.
15. Have you ever co-authored a story?
Once upon a time in an old fandom like 3 years ago.
16. How did you discover AO3?
I actually joined when it was first getting popular and the waiting list was intense. The buzz tugged me over there.
17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on AO3?
In an old fandom, yes. In all the others, lol no. In yoi, no. In bsd......popular.
18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?
Ahh, I just say ‘my readers’.
19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?
No. I started writing fic before I had any idea what was going on.
20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?
Find a support group! Or a support person. Someone (or a group of someones) who you can bounce your ideas off of or can beta your fic and generally be encouraging. Writing is intimidating so finding people to help you get through it is key!
21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?
Depends on the story. IoL and dyetyd were originally plotted out to the chapter but dyetyd decided it didn’t like that so I was changing things constantly. For Equivalent Exchange, I have a basic outline of ‘intro, rising action, climax, resolution’. And where your loyalties lie is just doing whatever the fuck it wants.
22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?
Way back in the day. I probably cried. 
23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)
Fluff. My brain is hardwired to make my character suffer. Also smut is hard for me, it takes like 6x longer than the rest of the story to write.
24. What story(s) are you working on now?
Equivalent Exchange- viktuuri magic/fantasy!au where your loyalties lie- soukoku yakuza/arranged marriage!au Rent a (boy)Friend- phichuuri fake dating!au
25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?
Sometimes. If an idea just grabs my by my face and says ‘you have to write me’ I might start planning immediately.
26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?
1k a day! 
27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?
Absolutely. The difference between my first fics and what I’ve written for bsd are night and day. Even within my bsd fics the difference between my earlier ones and newest ones are fairly stark.
28. What is your favorite story that you’ve written?
on cliff’s edge- It was fun! I wrote it as a stress reliever whenever I got stuck on dyetyd and I’m pleased with how it turned out.
29. What is your least favorite story that you’ve written?
Hmmm, I have stories I think I could have done better with but I won’t call anyone of them least favorites.
30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?
Hopefully my novel will be done by then.
31. What is the easiest thing about writing?
Building intrigue. I’m really good at holding back information to the point where I have to go back and write in reveals sometimes because I’ll just instinctively skip them lol.
32. What is the hardest thing about writing?
Pacing. Making sure the plot and the characters are developing at a natural speed and that nothing feels rushed unnecessarily and nothing drags.
33. Why do you write?
Writing is 100% my passion, I could go on and on for days about how much I love to write. Being able to create people and their motivations and then weave an entire world around them is just so....mind-blowing, I can’t even articulate it.
Tagging: @aizawashoutah @goddamnitdazai @itsclowreedsfault and @fy-soukoku. Apologies if you’ve already been tagged! Unless you didn’t do it, in which case I take back my apology.
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