#and then three months later i was applying for uni

[somuchstrdst]

.

[strayseraphine]

choice | one shot

pairing: bang chan x fem!reader

summary: The opportunity to work in the same place as your childhood best friend is a great, right? Unfortunately, it turns out that it's hard to control the emotions that have been swirling in your hearts for years when you're at arm's length. fluff, a little bit of angst, jealousy, friends to lovers, cheesy fic with our silly cute channie

The kdrama mentioned is called Tomorrow and the fic mentions about episode 5, you have been warned. Here is the song from the episode that also appears in the fic.

TW: menfions of suicide, death, depression

5 204 words

the one shot is also avaliable on ao3

bang chan masterlist | general masterlist | stranger things masterlist

Holding the handle of your suitcase tightly, you felt like a child lost in a crowd. You were breathless, and instead of slowing down, your breathing sped up and became more and more erratic.

What on earth tempted you to leave your entire life so far and fly to the other end of the world?

Then, as if on a call, a reason appeared in front of your eyes.

Despite the cap and mask covering his face, you immediately recognized him. However, not wanting to draw attention to you, you came closer and in silence went to the car, where immediately after closing the door you felt strong arms tighten around you.

"I missed you so much!" he muttered, snuggling into your neck.

"I missed you too, Channie." you laughed as you reciprocated the hug, smelling his perfume, which he had been using since you can remember. You didn't know it was possible to miss a scent that much.

"I can't believe I'm going to work with my best friend!" he said.

"First of all, you're lucky the boys can't hear it, secondly we won't."

"What do you mean we won't?"

"I, unlike you, will be locked in the office."

"But we will be in the same building! We will be able to spend our breaks together, I can bring you coffee and snacks!" he said excitedly with a wide smile on his face and squeezed your hand. You didn't complain about the fact that he didn't let go of you until the car pulled up to your new temporary home.

Two months ago, Chan called you saying that at JYP they were looking for someone for a temporary translator position. Since you were fresh out of college in the process of looking for a job, he thought you should definitely apply. Thinking little, you submitted your application.

Three weeks later, you received an invitation to an online interview, which resulted in a successful outcome and a contract signed for six months.

The experience you were able to gain working for this company was extremely valuable, but you were ashamed to admit that your main motivation for coming here was Chris. As children, the two of you were inseparable, but when he left Australia to chase his dreams both of you stubbornly made sure that contact did not disappear. When he came home on vacation you spent most of your free time together feeling as if he had never left.

Somewhere between playing together in the sandbox, sneaking out of the house for the late-night walks you used to go for when he returned to Australia during his teenage years and skipping lectures at uni just so you could spend the day and then the night with him, a strong bond formed between you.

In it there was something else to be found.

Something you both tried to ignore and push away.

Something that you were killing in each other thinking it was one-sided.

Something that you tried to keep in an iron, indestructible cage deep in your hearts.

Something that shattered the bars every time you saw each other.

The weeks at work were passing awfully fast. Your new co-workers welcomed you very warmly, meetings with Chris became your daily routine, and you felt more and more comfortable here every day. Keeping the promise, you spent all your lunch breaks together, sometimes joined by other members of the group. You quickly became part of the meetings. You even accompanied them during dance rehearsals and studio recordings. Especially Chan. Sitting with him in the studio until the morning hours and greeting sunrises together became almost a habit.

Today, however, you had the day off, while Chris had a full day of rehearsal for the gala to be held in a week's time. A strange feeling of emptiness and longing accompanied you throughout the day. You weren't afraid to admit that you were already used to his daily presence. However, you were afraid to think what will happen when you have to go back to Australia.

In order to focus your thoughts on something else after lunch you turned into a couch potato and started watching kdrama. Completely losing all sense of reality, you fully gave yourself over to the stories of the characters, which moved you to tears. You were snapped out of your trance by a phone call.

"Hello?" you said in a broken voice, not even trying to hide that you were crying. Unfortunately, the other side of the phone remained quiet and quickly hung up. Not caring much you wanted to go back to watching, but moments later Chan barged into your apartment without even bothering to knock on the door.

"Chris? what are you doing here?" you asked surprised still sobbing.

"What happened?" He asked. The sight of your heartbroken voice on the phone made his heart freeze.

"What?"

"We finished training, so I figured you were probably still awake and in the mood for something to eat, I called and heard you crying. What happened?" he explained quickly with a worried expression on his face.

"Oh god… Nothing happened! It just- It was just so damn beautifull and sad!" you laughed through your tears.

"Were you watching drama again?" he just sighed feeling small relief.

"Of course I was!"

"You almost gave me a heart attack!"

"I am sorry!" you threw a pillow in his diercion.

"Okay, okay, what was it about?" he shook his head, sitting down next to you.

"She died in a car accident, and he was someone who had to deal with a lot of deaths of his loved ones, his whole life, everyone blamed him for it! and he did nothing wrong!" you felt like your throat was shrinking. "His father blamed him for his mother's death because she died while giving birth, then when his wife died, her father also blamed him and he was in such a dark place, he wanted to kill himself, he believed them, that it was his fault!" you were ranting about character history, and he was just looking at you with a smile on his lips.

Despite the fact that your eyes were swollen and red from crying, he found something somehow adorable. Something pure. Something that made him want to hide you in his arms and kiss the tears off your cheeks. However, he quickly had to chase these thoughts away. After all, he was incapable of falling in love, wasn't he?

"And they show love in such a beautiful way here! Maybe I don't agree with "you are my whole life attitude" but in other aspects? They compare human beings to a tree, you know? People are like trees, And what matters is who makes the flowers bloom on the tree, which means your life can change depending on who you meet. At that moment she proposes to him, saying she wants to be the one to make the flowers on his tree bloom."

"A beautiful metaphor." he replied.

"Right? Later they present the red thread theory, which says that they are connected to each other and will find each other in each incarnation, which gives such a strange sense of hope! But I still think love is more of a choice than a destiny, which seems much stronger, because if I heard from someone now that I'm their whole world and their life doesn't exist without me I don't know if I'd be scared."

"How is it that you're one of the most romantic people I know, and you're afraid of such great confessions of love?" he asked.

"Imagine being in a relationship with a very toxic person, and when you want to get away from them they start threatening to kill themselves because they can't live without you. People in moments of desperation are able to go as far as anything, and love, despite the fact that it is very beautiful, can make a person very stupid." you explained.

"You are right."

"I am lucky enough to have some people who genuinely want the flowers on my tree bloom." you smiled. "You are one of them, by the way." you leaned your head on his shoulder.

"Yeah, you also take very good care of my tree." he replied without thinking. "Not only mine." he added quickly with a grunt. He began thinking about how other people feel in your company. About how there is always brightness and warmth in the room along with you. About how in his life the dark void was decorated with shining stars creating a beautiful night sky thanks to you.

"Who do you think your red thread is connected to?" you asked suddenly after a moment of silence.

"Mine?" he asked puzzled. Certainly not with the person I would like to. He thought. "Mine has probably been broken."

"I don't think so, in the show they said it only breaks at the moment of suicide. You are still here Chan, your thread surely leads to someone wonderful, as you deserve." You patted him on the knee. "Oh! there was also a very beautiful song in this episode, wanna hear?"

"Sure." He replied quietly and watched you get up from the couch to your laptop. He watched your every move, hoping to spot at least the thinnest red thread between the two of you.

"Can you focus?" Lee Know asked rolling his eyes.

"Earth to kangaroo! Where are you Chan?" added Han waving his hand in front of his face.

"I am focused, I don't know what you mean." he replied trying to defend himself.

"We have been practicing the same routine for an hour, and you are messing up the steps as if you were dancing it for the first time. " Minho squinted his eyes.

"Come on, give him a break, he is in looove." laughed Hyunjin.

"I am not!"

"We can see that there is something between the two of you, we can see how you look at her, you can't fool us, you do not look at a friend like that."

"I am not in love with y/n!" he said loudly, but without conviction. Saying those words caused him pain. Somehow saying that he doesn't love you felt wrong.

"But you know…none of us said her name out loud." said Changbin more peacefully.

"But-" Chan sighed and resignedly hid his face in his hands. For years he had pushed his feelings aside, but now that you were so close and had become an integral part of his life it was too difficult.

"Why you never let me bring her brownies that I made?" Felix laughed.

"Why do you always smile like an idiot when she sends you a photo?" I.N added.

"Let's just go back to the practice." He cut off the subject, knowing that the guys were right. Nevertheless, he knew that the moment he admitted it, nothing would be the same again, and changes can be scary.

In every job, no matter how wonderful, there are hard times. Today, some of your co-workers decided to take out their bad mood and frustration over non-functioning equipment on the team you were on. Although you knew that their bad mood was caused by the work reorganization, some unpleasant comments and remarks were particularly memorable and ruined your mood.

Due to a system failure that prevented you from working, you were told to go home before lunch, so you were not surprised to hear the sound of the phone at the hour when you usually meet.

"Where are you?" asked Chan.

"There was a system malfunction and they let us go home."

"So you won't be joining us?"

"What? Why?" Felix's voice came from the background. "But I made brownies! I brought them for you!" he took Chan's phone closer.

"Give me the phone, Felix!"

There was a commotion on the other side of the phone. You could imagine Felix running away with the phone and the guys helping him keep the leader at bay.

"Hey y/n!"

"Hey Seungmin, what's up?"

"Bang Chan misses you!" you could hear the smile in his voice.

"Tell him I miss him too," you chuckled.

"Okay, that's enough!" judging by Seungmin's mumbling and laughing, you concluded that the phone had returned to its owner.

"Talk to you later, bye!" he hung up before you had time to answer anything.

Since you had more time today, you decided to use it for cleaning, which always helped you to calm down to some extent, losing yourself in it and in the music from the speaker, you didn't know when a few hours had passed. Satisfied with your clean surroundings, you sat down on the couch, but after a while you felt a wave of fatigue hit you. With nothing better to do, you covered yourself with a blanket and fell asleep.

Unfortunately, this time the nap did not help your mood, and the sound of a knock on the door that woke you up made you even more upset. Covered with a blanket, you moved slowly toward the door. Then, as if by magic, when you saw Chan in the doorway, all your anger vanished and was replaced by…relief?

With a mournful whimper, you let your emotions carry you and without asking, you hugged him, cuddling into his chest. Surprised at first, he made no move, but he quickly woke up and you felt him embrace you. The familiar scent of his perfume created a sense of security in your mind that made every negative feeling inside you want to find an escape. Your breathing became more and more shaky as you fought back the tears that came to your eyes.

"Hey, it's okay," he said, sensing your stress. "Let it out, I'm here." His large hand began to slide up and down your back, caressing you.

"You are here." you muttered while snuggling even more into his shirt. He had the feeling that his heart was now on fire, but it wasn't the heat causing unbearable pain. It was the fire that slowly burns in the fireplace on winter evenings warming the house. Home. That's how he felt in your company.

"Come, let's sit down and you'll tell me all about it." he suggested, however, you still did not want to leave his arms. Selfishly you tightened your embrace without moving from your spot. "We can cuddle on the couch, come on." he chuckled seeing your reaction. Sitting snuggled into each other, Chan connected to the speaker and played your playlist with calmer songs in the background. It took a moment before you started to open up and talk about what had overwhelmed you today.

"I am so sorry." he murmured into your hair.

"I feel better now." you replied quietly.

"For real?"

"You are here so…yes."

A silence fell between the two of you but it was not awkward. At this level of friendship, shared silence was not something new or strange for you. The silence was broken by the sounds of another song.

"Ah, I love this song," he said. "I can't stop listening to it since you showed it to me."

"Well, I'm glad you liked it."

Along with the melody and the singer, Chan's soft and calm voice also began to spread around the room. You closed your eyes relishing the blissful moment, thinking you had found something good in this awful day. If it weren't for the nasty mood, you wouldn't have found comfort and solace in his arms.

How wonderful it would be if you could do this without any excuse?

"Do you remember when we fell asleep together like that, and Hannah took a picture of us and sent it out to all our friends and family saying that we were together?" he asked when the song was over.

"Yes," you laughed slightly at the memory.

"God, I wanted to kill her then." he also laughed.

"Why?"

"Uh, I mean its us, right? Best friends, how could anyone think we are a couple?" he replied embarrassed. This answer turned out to be a strong punch, which you had to take with clenched teeth and pretend that everything was fine.

The thing you didn't know was that what he said was just an escape from the truth. That day when everyone was congratulating you and telling you that you were finally a couple, he was afraid like nothing else that you would discover the truth about his feelings and that deep down he really wanted it to be true. Unfortunately, he did not know that you were on the same page.

Best friends, how could anyone think we are a couple?

These words haunted you for the next few days. No matter how good your mood was, they always came back ruining it instantly. They also pushed you to accepting a date to which you were invited by an employee from the marketing department. You were very often matched for joint projects, you worked very well together, you found nothing of agreement right away, but you didn't see this being blinded by Chan and your feelings for him. But since in his opinion you were just friends and had no chance to get out of this sphere, it was time to move on.

"y/n do you have any plans for tomorrow?" I.N asked, passing you in the hallway.

"I don't have until four, why?"

"We have a day off and we wanted to go shopping with Felix, why don't you go for a walk with us?"

"Sure!" the idea was good, you took it as an opportunity to buy something nice for your date.

"Cool, in that case we'll be in touch!" Maknae smiled charmingly, reminding you how similar he is to his skzoo.

"Sounds like a plan." you smiled back and returned to your desk. The rest of the day passed very smoothly and quickly for you.

Before you knew it you were already on your way to go shopping. Yeongin and Felix carefully browsed each hanger however you absent-mindedly only glanced superficially at the clothes. Your date was getting closer and closer however the less time left the more anxious and uncertain you felt. The fact that the person you were to spend the evening with was not Chan made it all seem…wrong.

How else were you able to move on?

Was it fair what you were doing now?

How would you feel if someone went on a date with you just to forget about someone else?

On the other hand, after all, that wasn't your only motive. In truth, you liked Minjun. He was handsome, kind, funny, you had many common interests, you really wanted to get to know him better.

"Earth to y/n!" the voice of Felix brought you back to reality.

"What?" you shrugged.

"Say hello to Chan!" Yeongin exclaimed happily, pointing his phone's camera at you. "We decided to show him how much fun we are having while he has to work."

"You are cruel!" at the sound of his voice you felt like you were caught in a crime. Not knowing what to do you awkwardly waved towards the camera, and then grabbed the first better dress and hid in the fitting room feeling embarrassed. What the hell is wrong with you? you thought looking at your reflection in the mirror.

"Hey, are you okay?" Felix asked lightly knocking on the fitting room door.

"Uh-yes!" you replied quickly, "I'm just trying on a dress!"

"In that case we are waiting for you to show up in it!"

The dress turned out to lie perfectly on you. The guys' assurances that you look good in it finally convinced you to the purchase.

When you got home it was time for preparations. Preparations that stressed you out even more. You tried to drown out your thoughts with music, but it was especially hard when a large part of your playlist consisted of songs by a band whose leader is the person you are trying to forget. The other part of the playlist was the songs you associated with him anyway. When you heard the first notes of Summer Flower you felt that you were in a no-win situation. If for so many years, being thousands of miles away, you had not managed to forget him how were you supposed to do it now having him at your fingertips almost every day? With a sigh you looked at the couch thinking about the moment when he held you there in his arms harmonizing his voice with the song.

What if he were here now?

What if now instead of getting ready for a date you were preparing snacks for a movie night together?

If you could spend the whole afternoon and evening cuddled up with him, holding his hand or playing with his hair if he laid his head on your lap?

Apparently, fate could read your mind, because as you combed your hair through the sound of the music a knock at the door broke through. Then you were greeted by the sight of Chris with a bag of snacks.

"I thought since I missed shopping together, we could make up for it with a marathon instead." he said dodging you at the threshold and entering the apartment.

Not knowing what to say you stared at him. The silence on your part prompted him to stop. Still not guessing anything, he noticed the brush in your hand and the knot in your hair. "Come on, let me help you." You went to the bedroom where you sat in front of the mirror. He hummed under his breath combing your hair with a slight smile on his lips enjoying this little moment. Whenever he combed your hair you laughed that he was giving you the princess treatment. That wasn't the case this time, which made him feel a little strange. "What do you feel like? a movie? kdrama? anime?" he tried to strike up a conversation. The fact that you haven't spoken a word since he came in increased this feeling.

"Chris…" Hearing your quiet, nervous voice he looked around. A dress hanging on a hanger, waiting to be put on, cosmetics scattered next to the mirror, an open jewelry box. It didn't take him long to guess that watching together today wouldn't work out.

"Are you going out somewhere?" he asked.

"I'm going on a date…" You said while sticking your gaze to the floor.

"Oh." visibly surprised, he stopped combing your hair for a moment. "Who's the lucky guy?" he asked in a forced joking tone, not wanting to make the situation seem even stranger.

"Minjun from the marketing department." you wanted to avoid looking at him at all costs. You were afraid of what you might see if you lifted your gaze. You were afraid that you would see disappointment, or worse, happiness and satisfaction that you were going out with someone else. However, if you actually looked at him you would see Channie's charming smile turn into a heartbroken expression. He could feel the jealousy building up in him, which he had to nip in the bud already. He couldn't let you notice, so he finished combing your hair as quickly as possible and left, explaining that he didn't want to disturb your preparations. You didn't protest, but something inside you was asking, begging even to tell you not to go anywhere and to stay here with him.

"I can't believe you lost to the guy from the marketing department." said Minho sitting down on the couch next to him. As soon as he left your flat he wanted to hole up in the studio however, halfway through a message about a movie marathon appeared on the group chat.

"Actually, he didn't lose because there was no competition," said Han.

"Exactly, if you had told her how you felt earlier she would have definitely chosen you" added Changbin.

"Can we focus on the movie?" he asked exasperatedly.

"Sorry hyung but this is definitely more interesting than the movie". said Hyunjin.

"You should go there and break the date." suggested Seungmin.

"Make up some excuse and call that you two absolutely must meet now!" I.N followed his idea.

"Can you guys just shut up and focus on the movie?" he asked more annoyed. There was a silence all around, which made him feel even worse. "I'm sorry…" he sighed. "I know I screwed up, but it's too late."

"We just want you to be happy." said Felix handing him a brownie on a plate.

"Even if it did work out…she doesn't deserve to hide and keep everything a secret."

"Maybe she won't mind? Maybe you can find a solution? Whatever is going on between you two has been going on for years, look how far you've come."

"Let's just focus on the movie, please."

Despite the fact that the guys had let the subject go and now the room was filled with laughter and loud comments about what was happening on the screen Chris couldn't focus at all. His head was filled with scenarios of what you can do now, did you have fun, did you let him hold your hand? hug you? kiss you? Jealousy bubbled up inside him but what could he do?

Somewhere near the end of the movie, his phone started vibrating with notifications, which he decided to ignore. Seungmin, however, annoyed by the constant vibrating, grabbed his phone to mute it but your nickname caught his attention.

"Chan you won't believe who it is." he said with a smile and started typing something.

"Who?" asked the unmoved leader, the only person he wanted to see a message from now was having a great time on a date with someone else. He didn't get an answer for a long moment.

"y/n didn't go on the date." This sentence made all the energy come back to him and he immediately snatched the phone from his hand to see the news.

c97b: why are you sending me tiktoks while being on a date? (your nickname): I am not on the date c97b: what? (your nickname): he cancelled last minute, so…

He looked at the phone in disbelief.

"Do something!" a shout from Lee Know brought him back to reality.

"This is your chance!" applauded Changbin.

Before he had time to think anything through his fingers were already running across the keyboard.

c97b: put the dress on. (your nickname): what? c97b: wear the dress, I will be there in 10.

What the hell is he doing? What will he tell you? How will he behave?

Thoughts and insecurities ate him from the inside out, and his hand was shaking when he was knocking at the door. However, when you opened it suddenly all the bad thoughts disappeared. All that mattered was how beautiful you looked now, and the struggle with the need to take you in his arms and not let you out of them.

Greeting you with a boyishly charming smile, he said it would be a shame if all your preparations for the going out went to waste. It was enough to make your disappointment with Minjun disappear. Enough for him to completely disappear from your thoughts which were once again completely possessed by your best friend.

Enjoying the last rays of sunshine today you went to the park for ice cream. You took a blanket with you to sit on the grass near the pond.

The meeting was not much different from the others, you were talking about everything and nothing, walking along the winding paths, watching the dogs playing, laughing how wonderful it would be to have little Berry here with you now and how she would love it here. The ice cream was the perfect cool down and sweetness, but Chan's showing dimples and his silly jokes were much sweeter.

Moments before sunset, you spread out your blanket and sat in silence watching the sky slowly turning orange and the sun disappearing behind the horizon directing its last warm rays at you, which you accepted with a smile.

"Thank you Channie." you said looking away from the scenery. Now you were able to notice that instead of watching the sunset, he was looking at you.

"You have nothing to thank me for." He shrugged his shoulders.

"For being there." You smiled slightly.

"I always will be." he replied without thinking.

"That's what friends are for, right?" You couldn't help the note of sadness creeping into your voice.

"y/n…" suddenly his face paled.

"What's wrong?" you asked worriedly.

"I think- I-" he began to stammer.

"Chris, whats going on?" The darkest scenarios appeared in front of your eyes, and panic rose in you.

"I think I am in love with you." he whispered.

"Oh my god-" surprised you covered your mouth with your hand. The shock on your face scared him more than it would have if your reaction had been instant rejection.

"I know, I know! But- I beg you even if you don't feel the same, let's just forget about it, I just had to tell you, finally after all these years, I couldn't hold it in anymore, but I understand that I'm just a friend to you, I don't want to lose you just because of some stupid feelings, hmp-" suddenly his ranting was interrupted by your lips. Sweet, soft lips that he had dreamed of touching for years. He had just fulfilled a scenario that had always seemed unattainable. Without wasting a moment he cupped your face making you cling even closer to him. The happiness that filled you pressed a smile to your lips that interrupted the kiss.

"If your feelings are stupid that means mine are too, because I feel exactly the same as you, you fool." you said quietly.

"I am a fool, a fool for you." he replied and kissed you again.

When you broke away from each other, this time hugging, you finished watching the sunset, which now seemed much more beautiful.

"It's gonna be hard…" he said after a moment of silence.

"Love isn't easy" you said. "b"But it's definitely worth it."

"How are we going to deal with all this?"

"We will find a solution, we always do."

"You think so?"

"Channie…" you took his hand, brought it to your lips and gently kissed the top of it. "I don't want to suddenly become your whole world, you won't be mine either, we both have separate lives, but love is not about the other person suddenly becoming the only thing we see. Love is about understanding that we both have separate worlds but we also have the desire to merge them. Love is finding a common path together."

"You are walkig hope, you know this?"

"Love is not fate, it is a choice. And that's what makes it powerful." You added again kissing his hand.

"You are my choice." he replied kissing your forehead.

No matter how crazy the collision of these worlds will be, he believed that as long as you are together everything will work out.

[darklydeliciousdesires]

Little Earthquakes - Chapter Seven.

Previous chapters - Prologue One Two Three Four Five Six

Tag list - In the comments. Please DM to be added/removed.

Words - 3,525

Warnings - 18+ throughout. Minors DNI!

It had been two weeks since she’d seen Nathan, Holly beginning to wonder whether she’d done something wrong. At first, he’d had to cancel their planned Friday night date out of busyness, promising to see her the following week. It had been a promise yet to materialise a further week on from then, her messages beginning to go unanswered, too.  

Her natural reaction was to wonder whether he was going off her, perhaps realising this casual dating thing they had wasn’t for him after all, but didn’t really know how to come out and tell her that. This truly wasn’t on brand for the kind of guy he was, though. As he’d said right from the start, he was straight up, he didn’t mess people around, and she believed that. However, this was odd behaviour, and it definitely negated his words. 

Either way, she wouldn’t chase after him. The ball was now in his court, Holly carrying on with her life. She couldn’t deny it, though. She missed him. 

“I think I’ve been ghosted.” 

Kate paused from dipping a tortilla chip into the sour cream between them, gaping ever so slightly. “From Nathan?” It was hard to hear, given how into her friend he’d seemed, both witnessing it herself and from hearing Holly’s gushing over how lovely he was. 

“Yeah. He's stopped replying to messages. I haven’t heard anything from him for five days now. Not sure what to do, other than leave the ball in his court, y’know.” It was Friday night, and she and Kate were having a few snacks before going out to meet up with a couple of their old friends from uni, sitting on the latter’s sofa watching a few episodes of Gogglebox.  

“That’s, well. That’s strange, hun. He’s been so into you over the last two and a half months, all I’ve heard from you is how lovely he is and what a good time you guys are having together. Are you sure he’s not just busy?” 

Her darling Kate. She always sought the best in people before jumping to the worst conclusions. “He said that,” she replied, scooping salsa onto the chip and popping it into her mouth with a loud crunch. “It’s the fact he isn’t messaging me back, though. I’m just being left on read.” 

Kate’s face was a picture of surprise. “I don’t know what to say. I mean, men can be so bloody useless, can’t they? They don’t understand the urgency of replying to messages like we do, don’t realise our minds start going to the ‘but what if he doesn’t like me’ place more or less straight away. I mean, sometimes that’s just who they are. Hell, I’d never hold my breath waiting for the lummox to return a Whatsapp. I’d die!” 

“I heard that!” 

“You were meant to!” she shouted in the direction of the kitchen, Greg, her husband poking his head around the door with a huge grin. “I think leaving the ball in his court is the best idea. If he gets in touch, great. If he doesn’t, then we need to apply the Miranda Hobbes adage to the situation, tough as it might be to hear.” 

As two die hard Sex and the City fans, she knew exactly what Kate referenced. It was tough, too, to have to reconcile that Nathan might just not be that into her. Whenever they were together, he acted anything but. He was affectionate and attentive, which made his radio silence even more baffling to fathom.  

Kate’s usual no nonsense advice was probably the truth she needed to hear, though, no matter how much she pined for Nathan. If he wasn’t into her, then that was just the way it was. At thirty-four, she was beyond waiting around for a man. She wouldn’t let herself hang around in the fringes of his life while he decided whether or not he truly wanted to bring her into it properly.  

They met up with their friends a couple of hours later, sitting outside at a bar in Marylebone, enjoying the bright summer evening. It was just as Kate was recounting a hilarious story of Greg and a decorating mishap that had led him to end up walking right off the end of a wallpaper pasting table that Holly’s phone beeped, unlocking the screen and feeling her heart quicken in an instant. 

“Cutie!!! I’m so pissing sorry I’ve been MIA! Been up to my ears in work :( I know, I’m a bad man and you have full permission to smack my arse for not replying to you. I’d love to meet up with you tonight if you’re free?xx’ 

Part of her wanted to let him stew for a while, make herself unavailable, but she didn’t really go in for those kinds of game playing tactics. He’d offered an explanation and apology. Surely, that was good enough? 

“I’m out with some old uni friends right now. I’ve missed you, too. It’s nice to hear from you. I can meet tomorrow, if you like?xx” 

Immediately, she saw that he was typing a reply. 

“Nah, where are you? Really want to see you now! Can’t cope with another day and no Holly!!xx” 

“Girls, would any of you mind having a man crash our evening? Nathan, the guy I’m dating just messaged to ask,” she inquired, her friends’ faces all lighting up. 

“Is he cute?” Trina asked. Going to her camera roll, she located a picture of her and Nathan, turning the screen. A few little coos abounded, seeing the image of them standing all cuddled up in her back garden she’d taken a few weeks prior. “He is! Tell him yes! Oh, look at his hair, wow!” 

Wendy then chimed in, taking a look. “Hmm, not my type, but I don’t mind!” 

“So, he finally gets in touch,” Kate spoke, giving her a little elbow nudge. “See? Told you he was probably just busy.” Turning to the group, she continued. “Wait until you see them together. They’re so adorable! He’s such a sweetie.”  

“Very different from your usual type, though!” Penny, the third of the group announced, Holly tapping out a quick message to let him know where she was. 

“I know, he really is. But he’s bloody gorgeous and so sweet, too.”  

Kate snorted into her cocktail glass. “The seven-inch pierced cock doesn’t hurt either.” 

Much screaming and whooping followed, Holly hiding her face.  

“Oh, my life!” Trina cried, clasping her hands together. “What does it feel like?” 

“Exactly as you’d imagine,” she revealed. “As do the two studs in his tongue.” More screaming. “I am telling you, that man is an absolute god in bed.” And yes, a little more screaming after that as the girls all descended into hysteria.  

Reading his reply, she saw he’d be with them in just over half an hour, Holly going to get him a beer before sitting there fizzing with excitement that she finally got to see him again after two long weeks and no lovely man.  

She was in the middle of hearing Trina speak about her very interesting day at her gallery when two tattooed arms folded around her from behind, a flurry of kisses pressed to her cheek.  

“Missed you, gorgeous!” he announced loudly, vaulting over the barrier that bordered the outside area of the bar. “Alright, ladies!”  

“Hello, Nathan,” they all chimed as he picked up the pint of beer waiting for him, thanking Holly, and then promptly downing it. 

“Crapping hell, Nath!” she exclaimed as he placed the empty glass down again. 

“I was thirsty.” Pausing, he then burped discreetly, beaming a grin. “Excuse me. Right, what’s that mad looking brown stuff in there that you’re all drinking?” 

“An urban bourbon cowboy,” Wendy revealed, snort laughing at the confused look on his face. 

“An urban, bour... whaty, what, what?” 

The women all descended into laughter. “An urban bourbon cowboy!” Kate spoke for him again, having him move to give her a big hug and a kiss, almost knocking her from her chair with his enthusiasm. Something told her he’d probably already had a few drinks before arriving with them. He seemed a little more live wire than usual.  

He looked to Holly, shaking his head. “I ain’t ever gonna remember that, nah. Come help me, I’ll get a round in.” They returned after a few minutes, Nathan placing down two large pitchers of cocktails on the table, the women thanking him, charmed by his generosity. He took a seat, welcoming Holly onto his lap, his hand beginning to smooth up her thigh as he reached for one of the two pints she’d carried out for him.  

“Seriously, I really missed you, baby.” He kissed the side of her neck, grinning at her adoringly, Holly feeling her insides melt. Baby. He’d never called her that before.  

“So then, how did you meet our lovely friend here, Nathan?” Trina asked, the man himself taking a big swig of beer before placing the glass back on the table. His head was buzzed already from the amount of vodka he’d drunk while over in Ealing, hanging out with the guys from the MC that night before deciding he really, really wanted to see Holly. 

“We were in the same class at school,” he began, “and I always fancied her but never had the courage to ask her out. Then she came into my shop and I did the tattoo on her leg, and it all went from there.” 

A few coos resounded at hearing that. “Well, you both look very in tune with one another. She’s been singing your praises.”  

“Oh yeah?” he asked, watching Holly suddenly snort with laughter and hide her face against his neck. “Ahh. I know what you told your friends! She’s been telling you about a certain piercing I’ve got, ain’t she?” 

Snorts of laughter filled the air, Kate holding up her hand. “Nope, that was me!” 

He couldn’t help himself. “I’ll show you, if you want?” 

“You wouldn’t,” Trina teased him, leaning across the table with a big grin. 

He matched her lean, grinning widely. “How much do you wanna bet I wouldn’t?” 

“Nathan, calm down,” Holly warned, moving his hand when he went to unfasten his jeans. 

“Get up a minute,” he spoke, patting her thigh. He wasn’t serious?  

“Nath, stop!” she cried, grasping his jaw and turning his head to kiss him, hopefully distracting him. God, he was certainly amped up more than usual.  

He chuckled filthily. “Alright, I’ll stop, I'll stop.” He then looked right at Trina. “When she goes to the loo, I’ll show you then, sweetheart.” He winked, accompanying it with a little click of his tongue, sending the women into hysterics. “So, all of you went to UAL too then, yeah?” 

They confirmed yes, Nathan seeming to settle and calm down as he asked into their respective careers, being attentive, listening to what each of them revealed. As he did, Holly felt her insides unclench a little after being so taken by surprise at his slightly altered behaviour. He could be a little frisky when he’d had a drink, as could she, but honestly, she was the only thing that had stopped him from revealing himself right there in public. It was very unlike him to act in such a way. 

They continued having a good night together, Holly slowing down her alcohol intake a little while he sped his up, everything fine until another behaviour she wasn’t used to seeing in him manifested itself. 

“Oi mate!” a man from the next table called, attracting his attention. “How the fuck did a skinny, scruffy, tattooed fuck like you manage to get a girl like her?” 

Immediately, his brows furrowed, Holly answering before he did. “Being bloody lovely, is how he did.”  

“Don’t think much of your taste, love,” the man remarked, obviously spoiling for something. 

“And I don’t think much of your mouth, bruv,” Nathan spoke, glaring at him. “Unless you want it cut to fucking pieces on a glass, I’d watch it if I was you, you gobby fucking gammon cunt.”  

“Oi, don’t threaten me, sunshine,” the man pointed, “just having a laugh with ya, yeah?” 

“I ain’t stupid, you prick. Nah, fuck that. Weren’t a threat either, it was a promise.”  

The man lunged, his friends grabbing him, Nathan trying to move Holly but struggling as she wrapped her arms around him. “Nath, Nathan! Stop it! Just ignore him, he’s pissed and looking for a fight.”  

“Sorry, guys,” one of his friends spoke, moving him away. “Your missus is right though, mate. He’s just drunk, he don’t mean it.”  

“Yeah?” Nathan snapped, pointing at him. “I fucking do. He looks at me again and I’ll fucking cut him, you understand?” 

“Nathan!” Holly exclaimed, feeling her cheeks begin to tingle. Good god, this was so unlike him to be aggressive. He hated fighting, wasn’t one for violence at all, his body rigid with agitation beneath hers. “Look at me, Nath.” 

Finally, she had two shards of green fury tear themselves away from the other table, stroking his face as he looked at her. “Calm down. He’s just being a drunken wanker.” It sent the mood at the table crashing down, Holly apologising to her friends, telling them it was best they leave so she could get him out of an environment that cracked with hostility. It was embarrassing to say the least, for them to meet her new guy and have him behave like that, no matter that he wasn’t the instigator.  

As soon as she’d gotten him into an Uber, though, he was immediately back to the Nathan she knew. 

“Fuck, I'm so sorry. I shouldn’t have risen to him like that,” he lamented, grasping her hand. “I'm just a bit pissed and he irritated me. Already feel like you’re too good for me, don’t need some gammon twat pissing rubbing it in, I’m telling you.”  

“Is everything okay with you?” she found herself immediately asking. “Because this is all very out of character, and I know I’m still getting to know you, but things aren’t adding up for me. You stopped replying to me, stopped wanting to see me and then you turn up tonight already quite drunk and start acting in a way that just doesn’t fit.” 

Glancing down, he sighed, his jaw tightening a little. “I’ll tell you when we get back to yours.”  

Her stomach dropped a little there, knowing her intuition wasn’t off, that there definitely something amiss with him. In a way, though, it was relieving as well. This out of character behaviour had a cause, one he was willing to open up and reveal to her. Once back at her flat – and after prising a bottle of bourbon from his clutches – she made them both a coffee instead and sat down on the sofa next to him, Nathan taking a little while to gather his thoughts before speaking. 

“Oh, hell upon hell,” he began, scratching the back of his neck. “I hate this. Right, so I filed for divorce just over a fortnight ago, like I said to you I was gonna do when I got that number for the solicitor from you. Lisa hit the pissing roof.”  

Sitting there next to him, she could only wonder why. A cold feeling crept over her, that perhaps he was about to tell her that he couldn’t see her any longer, that the reason Lisa had hit the roof was because she wanted them to reconcile. Of course, that made little sense in the face of him being so adamant to meet her that night, but she couldn’t help her thoughts. Keeping silent, though, she sat with patience as he continued. 

“It weren’t even because of anything big either, simply the fucking grounds I’d filed it on. Unreasonable behaviour, which she then accused me of and we got into a huge row before I kicked her out the shop. She fucking called me a useless excuse for a man, too, the bitch, and that’s been pissing bugging the life out of me. Yeah, it’s been proper messing with my head ever since and I ain’t been right. Fucking drinking too much, doing things I shouldn’t be doing, avoiding you.”  

Watching him continue to scratch, she saw the way agitation corded in his muscles, his arms tense, reaching to stroke his shoulder. “I think that’s understandable, given what she did to you and then turning up like that screaming, saying the things she did. I don’t understand why you’ve avoided me, though. What did I do?” 

“That’s the point,” he scoffed. “You did nothing wrong, but I...” He paused, closing his eyes tightly, clutching the sides of his head between his hands. “It’s pissing scaring the shit out of me, for real, how much I like you. Can’t get hurt like that again, Holly. Nah. Can’t let it happen.”  

Sliding off the sofa, she crouched before him, taking his face in her hands. “Nathan, I can’t say I’m never going to hurt you, I can’t know that. I might have a bad day at some point in the future and say something regrettable in the heat of the moment because I’m human, but I can tell you this. I’ll never lie to you or deceive you. I’ll never willingly hurt you like she did. I’m not her, y’know. You can trust me, but you’ve got to let yourself trust me. All well and good for me to say, I know that. Give me a chance, though,” she stated, stroking his cheekbones, watching him nodding. 

“You might not want me to,” he suddenly snorted. “I’ve been with other girls since we started dating. Trying to convince myself I’m not as fucking into you as I am. Which is stupid, because I legit adore you, Holly.” 

She couldn’t say it didn’t make her heart sink unpleasantly to hear that, especially given her own circumstances, but at least he was honest. He’d told her off his own back, which was more than Dean ever had. “We never discussed exclusivity, did we? I won’t lie, it hurts to hear you’ve been with other women, but I still stand by what I just said. We didn’t say we were exclusive. If we had then I’d be punching you on the nose about now.” 

He laughed softly through said nose, resting his forehead to hers. “Seriously, nah. You’re so fucking lovely and I’m just this mess of a person, for real. What do you see in me?” 

God, Lisa had dented his self-esteem so badly. It was the second comment he’d made that night that reflected as much. “You’re kind, you’re sweet, you’re an absolute god in bed – and yes I told my friends in as many words!” He laughed much louder at that, Holly pausing for a moment. “You make me laugh, you’re fun to be around, you’re interesting and thoughtful, and you’re so bloody talented, too. Oh, and you’re about one of the most gorgeous men I’ve ever seen! Look, I can’t say forget about all this damage Lisa did to you and just move on, it isn’t that simple, sadly. At least trust me enough to help you get over it and begin that moving on, though?” 

Trust her. But how could he? He’d sank into Eden with Lisa without a second thought, and she’d hurt him more than his fragile heart could truly withstand. What she’d said was right, though. She wasn’t Lisa. If he was to move forward and truly heal from the wreck of his marriage, he knew he needed to find a little trust, or he’d be stuck there forever. He would be exactly all the things his estranged wife had told him he was. 

“Dunno how to.” He received a slightly exasperated sigh at that, covering her hands with his. “Sorry, I’m not trying to be difficult, but it’s fucking scary.” 

“Okay, I understand that. It’s just a matter of knowing what’s the worst that could happen? You’ve already been there, doesn’t get much worse than that, does it?” His head shake confirmed no. “And there’s a fifty percent chance this thing with us will go beautifully, and you’ll settle and trust you’re safe enough to feel happy, right?” A nod confirmed yes. “So, you have to be brave, and hold onto that fifty percent. If I’m honest, I’d like to say it’s even higher than that, because I’m a bloody catch, you know.” 

His smile widened in an instant. “Oh, I fucking know you are, cutie.” 

“Next time you feel upset about Lisa, or like you want to dive into a bottle for comfort, call me. Talk to me. Let me be there for you and I promise, I’ll become your comfort rather than the person you’re scared of getting in too deep with. As I should be, if I’m going to be your girlfriend at some point. In case you haven’t realised it, I’d actually quite like to be.” 

Oh, he had. The way he kissed her as he lifted her onto his lap confirmed that, too.  

[a-luran]

Oh my gosh I want to know more about all of them but in particular the Kirkland revivals band sounds very intriguing and is giving me visions of the bros in a band and I am losing my mind 👀 and PLEASE I need to know more about the werewolf au

phi-phil! hello! it is in fact a band fic like the title implies. I may posted a bit about it before but in essence:

Sean, Alasdair, Rhys and Arthur all grow up on the road and on top of each other, all of them the children of legacy folk musicians from across the UK. Sean and Alasdair are part of the older lot of children kicking about, doing odd jobs until Sean graduates into performing backing vocals and instrumentals when he vaults over seventeen. Alasdair could be doing the same if he wanted to, he certainly has the voice and the composition skill, but he is finds his niche in their mismatched community as a technician; a jack of all trades with a technical degree. Arthur spends his early teenage years watching Alasdair fix and carry equipment like it weighs nothing and learns something that tastes a lot like craving. Something more visceral than longing. Rhys is an easy child, stubborn and well loved although comes up chaffing against the constant travel. They grow up around each other, on top of each other, camper vans and sleeping bags under nylon, under the stars. They are a good draw together, talented and brought up like kin. They have never known anything except this; the road, the music, and each other.

(And what Arthur treasures most: the mornings when he slips into Alasdair's camper to share his warmth. The evenings when Alasdair will tune his violin for him and strum along on his guitar to whatever Arthur composes, slowly coming into his own as a musician. This fic is not scoteng-centric exactly, but it does take a shine on his relationship with Alasdair especially. And his journey as a trans man and a singer.)

A lot of things come to head and inevitably the band falls apart. Rhys applies to university and gets in, and although he only tells Arthur it puts a strain on his relationship with everyone. Sean is constantly fighting the people who manage them, for valid reasons but also partly because he is on a warpath after his biological father contacts him. Alasdair is getting more and more responsibilities piled on him under the guise of 'we are all family here; surely this is not labour exploitation'; they barely see his hide around. What deals the final blow is when Arthur comes into rehearsals one morning, a few months shy of eighteen, with his hair shorn off. He'd spent some three years at that point negotiating how he presented when it was just 'their family' and being pressured to keep up appearances when performing. Rhys having the courage to apply for uni is what tips him off, that and the realisation that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life pretending he isn't a man just to save face. And now, Arthur has always been headstrong but the way he shouts back that day when their 'manager' confronts him is the end of it. Alasdair misses the shouting match and only realises that Arthur finally cut his hair when Arthur comes to find him after his nights shift. He cards his fingers through the choppy nape of his neck and doesn't know what to say. His silence is plenty though, and Arthur makes up his mind.

He prepares, sees his eighteenth quietly, and three weeks later he is gone. Slips away early in the morning and takes only what he can carry with him. Clothes that belonged to each of them; Sean's fiddle. What little cash he has to his name.

The rest of the fic follows him as he busks his was from the UK to Nashville. Francis takes him on as a manager and helps set him up and support his gender transition with gigs. The others don't hear from him until Rhys does a mad dash to the radio when he recognises Arthur's voice crooning form an ocean away. I honestly love thinking about this fic and I spend a lot of time just adding songs to a playlist for it.

The werewolf AU was born from an extremely self indulgent idea. It is 60% smut, 25% fighting 15% more smut. Alasdair and Arthur grow in a group home but become estranged by well over a decade after Arthur runs away. The both end up resenting and missing each other by equal parts. Alasdair is attacked by a werewolf while he's out in the woods one night and with his body spiralling out of control the only person he can think of (and that he instinctively seeks out) is Arthur who has been carving out a life for himself. Francis is a necromancer living across the street from him in this one and again 10/10 just pure self-indulgence on my part.

Thank you for asking about these! I'm so happy to talk about them.

[symphonic-scream]

🧋

Lemme see what I can do for this one

Oh! How about an au I did in December 2022?

It's for P5

So, the gang were all childhood friends. Grew up in the same apartment building, all that. This includes Joker, Ryuji, Ann, Yusuke, Makoto, Haru, Futaba, Sumire, and Kasumi But, things change

When the eldest three are 12, Kasumi passes. The group splits up, everyone moving away as tragedy after tragedy occurs. Eventually, they're all gone, off their separate ways.

12 years later, they meet again, under extraordinary circumstances. All of them end up at the same group resort for two weeks, getting snowed in by a blizzard. Some bought the ticket themselves, others won them. All that matters is, they're all back together

They're all in different places in life, all needed a change. Two weeks together, changes a lot.

Okay so here's where everyone is at when they arrive, with ages

Akira/Joker, 23; has been getting a theatre arts degree but can't afford his next semester so he's been working literally everywhere. He won the trip from an event at one of his jobs. He lives in a small apartment, has been on his own for a few years. During the trip he rediscovers his passion for caring for others, through cooking and such

Ryuji, 23; he's been struggling a lot. He's living with his mom, working physical labour, and. He's a recovering addict. When he tried school, the stress and peer pressure led him to drink and, he woke up one day and knew he couldn't become like his dad. He's been sober for 14 months, and has gained an interest in recreational work

Ann, 23; she's engaged to Shiho, both recovering from assaults in their teen years. Ann dropped modeling cold turkey, and hasn't been able to find a new purpose yet. She feels bad for being a mooch, her Shiho and parents aren't pressuring her to find work at all

Yusuke, 23; he's, pretty much doing okay. He did have a mini scandal where someone recorded him going off on someone in a gallery for not understanding his art, but if anything, that's giving him more attention. He's struggling with admitting that he needs money to live, he can't just paint for passion anymore

Makoto, 24; she dropped out of the police academy a few years ago, and returned to uni to study social work to hopefully mix that with her previous criminology degree to, lower crime rates among young people through social assistance. She's been on her own though, after a fight with her sister. She's had some other stuff going on that led to her taking this vacation

Futaba, 22; has been a shut in for ten years, and this trip was a treat for two years of going out into public. She's been spending her time taking down scammers, but she's got an offer to work as a cyber security expert for good pay. She isnt sure if she'll take it

Haru, 24; Haru's had it real rough. She was engaged to a man to help her father's company, only to find out she had the same cancer her mom did. They caught it early, but the procedure to remove it left her infertile. Which isn't a problem for her, but it means her fiance breaks the deal. This has, given her a chance to live for herself, and has spent the last year working at a small business coffee shop, trying to just, live

Sumire, 22; she's running away from her problems again. She quit gymnastics, dance, and hasn't applied to secondary schools. Her parents, concerned after her last therapist caused more damage, believe a week away from it all may help. Two weeks, maybe. Sumire just wants the guilt to go away

So. They meet up again, talk about how they've been doing, and all leave with a better idea of what they're doing, and a promise to meet up every year after

[dannyfm]

!    *    ,    (jacob anderson,  thirty-three,  cis man,  he/him)  !    *    ,      hey,  did  you  see  DANIEL WALKER  unloading  their  boxes  from  the  moving  truck?  i  heard  they  are  33  years  old  and  work  as  a  HISTORY TEACHER   at   A LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL.  they  totally  remind  me  of  SOMEONE NEW  by  HOZIER,  HANDS WRAPPED ROUND A STEAMING MUG OF TEA  and  WANDERING NEAR-EMPTY MUSEUMS.  they’ll  probably  hang  out  at  1924 BAKERY  the  most  if  you  were  looking  for  them.  (penny,  25,  gmt,  none)  

full name:  daniel isaiah walker. nickname(s): danny ( his preference ), dan. age:  thirty-three. birthday: july 12th. gender / pronouns:  cis man ,  he / him. orientation:  bisexual / biromantic ( tends towards men ). place of birth: bristol, england. current residence: dauntridge, oregon, united states. languages: english, spanish & asl. some french. height: 5'8. personality: loyal, empathetic, obsessive, stubborn, dependable, bashful, compassionate & indecisive.

born and raised in bristol, the youngest of three with two older sisters. their father was away more often than not, so daniel was raised mostly by his mother and sisters.

his interest in writing, reading and history was a bit of a curveball. aside from his father, the rest of the family's interests were firmly rooted in stem. they were worried that danny's interests would not give him much success in life. but he was determined to pursue his passion and graduated top of his class at bristol uni for undergrad history. he stayed in bristol after graduation to complete his teaching qualification and sought a role teaching history at a local secondary school.

the relocation to oregon about five years ago was the first and really only truly impulsive decision danny ever made. he'd applied to the university of oregon to do his master's in history on a whim. his master's thesis, on the experience of black families who moved to oregon to work in wartime defence industries, was published. after graduating, daniel settled in dauntridge and got a job at a nearby high school, realising how much he missed teaching.

( tw: road traffic accident, injury, depression) around six months ago, on his way home on his motorbike as per usual, danny was involved in an accident. he woke a couple of days later in hospital. he had been lucky, really. at least, that's what everyone said -- at the time he could only think that was a cruel thing to say. his right leg had been amputated ; originally below the knee, but complications arose and shortly after he became an above knee amputee. otherwise, he did feel quite lucky - broken bones eventually healed, leaving scars here and there and aches and pains the only other things to show of his ordeal.

not unexpectedly, daniel was diagnosed with depression immediately following the accident, and suffered during much of his recovery. for a while, he refused to even think about his life beyond each day, let alone returning to work -- he'd missed the end of the last school year and felt quite frankly, absolutely terrible about it. ( tws end )

eventually and no doubt entirely thanks to the efforts of friends, family & the professionals around him, he came round and getting back to teaching in time for the new school year in september eventually came to be his primary motivation during initial recovery. he's back part time after much cajoling -- he wanted to go back full time, still having somewhat naive and unrealistic expectations for his recovery despite logically knowing better. in his mind, he would get a prosthetic leg and be back to 'normal' soon enough, having always led a pretty active life. he's always played soccer ( hates calling it that, but one has to adapt ), enjoyed rock climbing and of course, his beloved bike ( rip ). to his disappointment, this has not been the case. he is making progress as expected, wearing his prosthetic and often using a walking aid with it as much as he can, though he does have a tendency to push his limits too much. big fan of the when all else fails… there’s always throwing yourself into work or looking after someone else when you don't want to deal with your own problems.

headcanons

daniel rescued a black cat called sidney ( sid, named after sidney poitier ) when he got home from hospital -- sid has become his best bud.

probably an ambivert, but also shy as hell. he's definitely got a lot less shy since starting work just out of necessity but still prefers to blend into the background at social events and with people he doesn't know. it's something he's trying to work on as he's aware he's crawled back into his shell significantly since the accident.

has a massive heart, his friendship is not hard to win but damn near impossible to shake off ( not least bc he knows he was sometimes an A+ asshole in recovery and anyone who stuck around through that deserves at least the same energy from him. )

similarly... huge hopeless romantic ; maybe not necessarily a big believer in the idea of 'the one', more that every relationship/person has their time. but ultimately he would like to settle down, get married... maybe have kids etc. absolutely loves kids ( part of the reason he became a teacher ).

absolutely Unreal sweet tooth, sweets and chocolate are his no 1 downfall. it’s probably for the best that he’s a terrible baker ( but an excellent cook ) because lord knows he’d be eating rubbish 24/7.

( smoking tw ) had mostly quit smoking after finishing his master's, but has picked up the habit again. he's not happy about it, but figures he'll let himself have a bad habit for a bit.

BIG into music -- it's 90% of his apartment's decoration ; concert tickets, posters, etc. plays piano, violin & guitar ( messes about on drums, too ) and secretly has a very nice voice but he'd probably actually drop dead if someone ever mentioned that.

wanted connections. pinterest.

literally everything pls. best friend, good friends, a bad / good influence who encourages him to socialise & get out of his comfort zone more, ex & present day crushes / flings, neighbours, flirtationship, exes & co workers.

[kxowledge]

I have decided that I will not be applying to PhD programs this round, with one exception (my current uni).

Realistically, I don’t think I’d be able to submit good proposals for each in any case and a poor work isn’t going to get me in. I do need more time – for this and for completing my degree, because my pace of work has taken an abrupt turn. This past semester I have completed very little coursework (7.5 ECTS only, plus retaking a course to improve one of my grades) and progressed little with my thesis. The main reason behind this is a drop in my health. My immune system has taken a turn for the worst, according to the latest analysis. Taking into account chronic stress and insomnia, I’m not in a good place. I am glad I didn’t take more courses, as I would have been unable to go to class. I even had to drop another one I was retaking because it was too much. The issue runs deeper than just productivity. I’ve been sick, feverish, my mind foggy, for the majority of the time. It’s an awful state to live in. I’m in no state to start working on my PhD as things stand. I want my mind to be clear, I want my health to be better, and I want a good system in place. I am unable to unwind. My c-PTSD affects me every week in terms of nightmares and heightened reactions that harm my close relationships. I’m deeply unsure of myself. The list goes on.

I want to take the time to work on myself – a year with less pressure would be good. I say less because the work would still be there: the thesis, the coursework, GRE prep (if I can), tailoring the research proposals, etc. But it would allow for time for other things, surrounding self-improvement. Exactly what I hope to detail in a later post, but it will be around what I mentioned it’s causing me grief (health, sleep, ptsd, etc.). Back to the basics.

Among other things, I’ve started to develop what I guess could be described as agoraphobia – except I’m not scared, but I do get very anxious when it comes to leaving the house. I’m not comfortable being outside for extended periods of time, I’m very much distressed at the thought of travelling to other cities (which has been affecting me really bad considering that I have travelled to other cities in the past few months and I’m also travelling a fair bit over the Christmas holidays). Overall, I’m very reluctant to leave the house. I’m even more scared of travelling because of Covid. I’m just putting this out here because I’ve been very reluctant to admit it. Around a year ago I cancelled plans to go ice skating because the thought of being surrounded by people made me too anxious. From there though, things have precipitated, especially after being bed-ridden for a while. I think I went for three months without leaving the house alone. I’m not at a point where this is severely affecting me, but I know it can evolve into something worse and I don’t want it to. Baby steps though.

[squarebracket-trickster]

Happy STS! Since you're on the second draft of ur WIP, how was the progress of the first draft? What are some things you learned during it? What is something you would do differently for your next first draft?

It's so rare to see a writeblr going through revisions and i find your commentary very inspiring. One day i too will be telling myself to leave the sentence be for another draft LOLLL

Oooh I love this question so goddamn much!!! (well, ig it's sort of two? three? questions.) I had so much fun answering this<3333 It was an excellent chance at reflection.

How was the progress of the first draft?

(lol I did not intend for my answer to be this long but it just kept going. But I like the idea of being very transparent about the journey because I hear a lot of nice, summed up "one day I sat down and wrote a novel, the next month I had a manuscript and started querying" stories and I think that can be really invalidating for people for whom the journey isn't that smooth if that is the only narrative you hear.)

I think I came up with the story idea some time in 2019. It was one of those, "princess runs away from an arranged marriage but [redacted due to spoilers]" concepts but at the time I was worldbuilding for other things so I put it aside for later.

About a year later, when I had not made much progress on my other WIPs (due to not having enough worldbuilding ideas to carry a fantasy or sci-fi story and banging my head against a wall trying to think up something I was happy with), I decided, ah what the hell, I'll try this instead.

I picked it because it was a simple concept--an idea fit for a standalone novel on the shorter end, with a fairly small setting and requiring little worldbuilding. It seemed like it would be good practice before I seriously tackled my more ambitious WIPs.

It still took a while to actually get writing. I tried three or four times to make an outline--one was more than 8000 words--and ended up scrapping each of them because when I got to actually writing the scenes I had outlined I found them dry and soulless. I was just going through events that needed to happen but there was no emotion, no humour, no themes, nothing. I tried to write the first chapter once or twice but I started the story too early in the timeline and lost the momentum to keep going. Finally, I wrote a scene somewhere in the middle (the one where Sorin figures out Adris is a girl) and it was the first I was actually happy with. I had fun writing it and then reading it again, and it finally felt like there was some "life" behind the plot I had been failing to outline. I rewrote that scene in both first and third person, decided I liked 1st better, and tried to keep adding to it. Then I had about 3600 words. I wrote another scene near the end (when Isadred and Firnen meet; though I changed this later) and it gave me some direction to work towards.

Then I did not touch the project again for several months.

One day in November of 2021 (NaNoWriMo month but I hadn't heard of it yet) I decided to just go for it and put a bunch of time aside to write like crazy. I started from chapter one and had two rules, 1. Start chapter one as late into the story as possible, and 2. keep it going--don't edit (not even spelling unless it is absolutely critical for me to make sense of later), if I get stuck just jump ahead to the next scene I can write, and if I don't know what happens next just ramble about everything that can't happen until I figure out a situation where that does not apply.

It worked. Really well. The next things I knew (about three weeks in) I had roughly 48 000 words. Some days I was hitting 13-14 000 words per day. Then I took a break because uni and came back to it in April 2022. Same rules, same deal. Suddenly I had 112 572 words.

I got stuck on the ending. I wrote a few scenes but didn't like them. So I figured I would just call it a finished manuscript, put it aside for a while, and come back to it when the time was right.

About two months ago I thought up part of a better ending while in the shower and a few weeks ago, just before I started the second draft I figured out the rest. So I knew it was time and I went back to it.

What are some things you learned during it?

I had a lot of fun. I laughed a lot at the banter and dramatic irony, I highlighted my favourite lines to look back on later, and I left funny comments for myself in the margins. The weird part was that I was not expecting it to be fun at all. I see so much writing content about how hard writing is and how much writers hate it, especially first drafts, and I have done my share of banging my head against a wall (especially in my other WIPs) but, for me at least, it is one thing to get stuck on a plot point, but if I am finding every single new sentence to be a struggle to get down it is probably because my story has not come to life yet. I am writing too much from a place of "hit each plot point in my outline" and not enough from a place of "you know what would be fun/gut-wrenching/shocking/funny/clever/insightful?".

Believe it or not, the middle section was the most fun to write.

I have also come to believe ardently in these commonly touted morsels of advice:

if your story is losing momentum after only a few chapters you either don't know where you are going with it or you have started too far before the inciting incident.

Name your first draft draft zero, garbage draft, word vomit (or in my case, "idk what the FUCK this it looks pretty cool tho"), and just expect utter garbage.

Don't look back, just keep going. You know that thing in improv where they do the "yes, and..." exercise? Do that.

If you are stuck on what happens next, skip that scene and go to the next. There is a chance you may not even need the scene you were stuck on. Long time skips in the same chapter are allowed.

If you don't know what to write just sit down and start rambling. As long as you know what you are trying to write towards, eventually you'll end up there and you can cut the bloat later.

Know your climatic moment before you start--not your ending, but the big final showdown the story is building to. You don't have to know how it resolves (I didn't figure that out until like six weeks ago) but know who is in your final battle and where it takes place.

Don't research. Don't worldbuild. If you need a piece of information you don't have, write [insert type of medieval ship here] and move on.

What is something you would do differently for your next first draft?

I am honestly not sure on this one... I do wish I was a more skilled writer prose-wise because my first drafts would need a lot less editing later on if descriptive, poetic prose came as naturally to me as dialogue and emotional one-liners. But all I can really do for that is keep practicing.

The only other thing I wished I had done from the start was keep a journal, log, or blog of my progress, and save some of the funny comments and [somehow our two romantic leads have to sword fight their way out of a masquerade ball in this scene while dressed to the nines] notes-in-brackets I left in the draft but went back and deleted later once I actually filled out the scene. Hence the existence of this blog now.

One of these days I would also like to develop a proper writing schedule to make more consistent progress throughout the year (instead of the random sprints of activity followed by months of not touching it that I do now). But between the ADHD and the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome I don't know when that will happen.

[callsigndragon]

My Love, my Darling, I am so late to the amazingness that Tasting the Ashes Chapter 5 is, I am so sorry! Applying to uni again is a pain.

But enough of that, let me gush about this incredible chapter and the ones that followed!!

Long message ahead again...

"Goose practically runs to his car, trying to make it in time before Iceman can have a chance of grabbing him by the mustache, but when he turns around his car to open the driver’s door, Ice is already leaning against it." - hahaha, poor Goose. I love the mental image of him being dragged in by the tiny mustache tho. And the power dynamics you set up between the OGs is so great! And you maintain their original characterisation from the first Top Gun while also adding new levels to it so well!!! They really feel like the same characters 30+ years later, and that takes skill, my Darling, you are so talented!!!! 💗💗💗💗

""He pulled my son's papers. I don't know what he's capable of anymore."" - the Beef is strong with this one and I am all for it!!! Love, love, love to see it! It adds another set of beautiful and painful layers to this story, which makes it even more intriguing!!!

"“You want to talk? Let’s talk.”" - LET'S GOOO!!! WHOOOP!!!

"Goose nods, still not looking at Maverick. “I’m sorry for saying that your daughter was the one that ‘opened her legs’. That was totally uncalled for. I don’t think anyone is at fault here. They’re kids; they took all the necessary precautions, and well, it wasn’t enough.”" - I absolutely adore that Goose can admit that he crossed a line and has the decency to apologise. I love him so much 💗

"“That’s the Mitchell thing I’ve heard since that stunt you pulled three years ago.” Goose chuckles, looking at him at last. “Now I get it.”" - it is also beautiful how you show that despite probably a decade long grudge, Goose and Mav still know each other so well and have a history of friendship. It is awesome to see this lighter moment appear between these two 💗

"“...twins even with a condom? Man, they should study your little soldiers in a fertility lab or something.”" - hahahaha!!! Honestly, Slider and Amelia should team up! They would be unstoppable at roasting The Poultry and make everyone laugh with their comments!

"“Died the month before Ash came looking for me. Left a letter for her daughter on her will, along with her father's name." Mav explains, his jaw clenching at the fact that, apparently, Barbara didn’t want to see her daughter reunite with him while she was still alive. He wasn’t that bad of a person, right? He had done good things. He was a good guy." - that gives some deep thoughts. I am so excited to learn more about Ash's background and how things between her and Mav will turn out!! They need to do some serious connecting, and as they already established there is little time before the twins arrive... Love, love, love this!!! You are so incredible at setting up relationships between characters!!! 💗

"“Goodness gracious, great balls of fire, is this like a movie plot or something?”" - hahahaha, I love this line for so many reasons!!!

"“I don’t know, man… I’m as lost as you are. I just adopted Jake and know he has a sister!”" - this is so great! The existential crisis Mav is going through, hahahaha. I really shouldn't laugh but... Poor man. But at least he got some practice at parenting with Jake and Amelia.

"Maverick drops his head over the table. “She’s not mad, just deceived. I always told her that I didn’t have any kids from previous relationships, and now she thinks I lied to her.”" - aww, poor Penny as well. I love all these relationship dramas and turbulences, it makes the story so rich!!! Love it with my whole heart!!! 💗💗💗

“Disasters come in threes, don’t they?” - love this line and how it could also be applied to Seeing Red as well. And not to mention how it links to the name of The Universe as well. Love, love, adore it!!! 💗💗💗

"“She’s staying with Red and Jake. They have all she may need in their house, so… She went with them.  I’ll go tomorrow to talk with her.”" - darling girl staying with the darling family, my heart is melting!!! 💗💗💗

"Goose looks at Iceman. “Give Rooster office work for a while. He needs to be there for Ash and the kids.”", "“Don’t worry, I will. I heard that she wanted to talk to him, and your son told her to wait.”" - I love the different reasons they have for grounding Bradley, hahaha, it reflects their personality and mindset so perfectly!!!

"Slider only has time to raise his head and see Goose’s fist collide with his face." - hahaha, poor Slider

Chapter 6 is amazing as well!!! I love Jake's realisation of having an adoptive sister!!! I am really looking forward to see how Ash will come to terms with this too. And the idea of Bradley constantly calling Red is so funny, and so true to character! Poor Bradley, having to face all this on his own. It is going to be so great to see how he will try to get closer to Ash and work things out. And how he will grow up to the challenge of being a dad of twins. You really set the scene for an amazing story and it is incredible so far!!! 💗💗💗

The chat between Amelia and Samantha is pure gold!!! I love them so much!! Looking forward to seeing more of Samantha! 💗

And let's talk about the incredibly beautiful moodboards you made!!! They are so cool and amazing!!! I love them and that you give us more information about the characters through them!!! Amazing!!!! 💗

My Lovely, as always, I love your writing and Tasting the Ashes is incredibly beautiful, awesome and funny so far!!! Loving every moment of it!!!

Lots of love to you my Beauty 💗💗💗💗💗

(italics anon 💚)

My loooooove 💚💚

"Goose practically runs to his car, trying to make it in time before Iceman can have a chance of grabbing him by the mustache, but when he turns around his car to open the driver’s door, Ice is already leaning against it." - hahaha, poor Goose. I love the mental image of him being dragged in by the tiny mustache tho. And the power dynamics you set up between the OGs is so great! And you maintain their original characterisation from the first Top Gun while also adding new levels to it so well!!! They really feel like the same characters 30+ years later, and that takes skill, my Darling, you are so talented!!!! 💗💗💗💗

Listen, I've seen Top Gun '86 more times than I can actually count. It's one of those movies I grew up with and while everyone looked at Mav, I was in love with Goose’s goofy attitude and Iceman's character. I imagined thousands of times how I would write about them and now it's my time 😭💕

And let's talk about the incredibly beautiful moodboards you made!!! They are so cool and amazing!!! I love them and that you give us more information about the characters through them!!! Amazing!!!! 💗

I want to make a few more, I'll have time this afternoon after work 🥺

Again, thanks a lot for all your kind words I love them so much 🥹💚

[unexaltedonewhoisnotking]

I’m 10-almost-11 years old. I’m with my classmates outside the hall at school, waiting for our ‘graduation ceremony’ from primary school to start. A member of the ancillary staff comes across us and asks why we aren’t in class; one or two people explain that we’re graduating today. She looks at me, brow furrowed deeply. “Even you?”

I’m… I don’t remember how old - somewhere around that same time. It’s summer. I’m at the beach with friends, some my age and some a year or two younger. We meet some other kids and start hanging out with them. When we talk about our ages they express doubt at mine. My friends insist it’s a joke and won’t allow me to tell the truth. They claim I’m two or three years younger than I really am.

I’m 12. It’s another summer. My friend, half a year older, won’t go swimming. Why not? “You’ll understand when you’re older,” she says. This is far from the only time people my age have given me that line. At least this time, when I learn about the truth almost a year later, it turns out to make sense to make it about ageing - most of the time it’s just about knowing more.

I’m 11, 12, 13, 14, 15. I’m in secondary school. My classmates have a running-joke conspiracy theory that I’m actually a year or two younger than them, and I got bumped up a couple years because I’m so smart. I don’t mind that, actually - it’s only a joke, not a genuine belief, and a core part of it still relies on acknowledging that I’m on their level.

I’m 17 years old. I’m overseas checking out a couple universities to apply to. Some of my family is there with me. Everybody addresses my sister, four years younger, as the prospective student before I tell them it’s me.

I’m 18. My parents and I are getting our first doses of the covid vaccine. Someone stops me at the door, saying that they’re only giving to adults at the moment and I should wait back here. They appear doubtful even when my parents confirm I’m not lying.

It’s months later. I’m still 18. We’re getting our second doses. The same thing happens again, beat for beat.

I’m 18-almost-19. I’ve procrastinated getting my driver’s licence and the pandemic pushed things back further. I get in the car for my first lesson. The instructor is surprised that I’m old enough to have a permit. “You’re sixteen?” “Eighteen, actually.” Now he’s even more stunned.

I’m 20. Plans had changed and I wound up staying home and attending uni here. It’s the first day of my third year. I join a line of other students outside the BCS office. The first thing the nearest person says, after I greet them and ask if they’re also getting lab manuals,is an exclamation of, “Aw, you’re so cute!” in the tone typically used for puppies and babies. You know I’m an adult; I’m at university with you, buying a book for a class.

I’m still 20. It’s only been a couple of months since that last incident. My sister is buying a watch, my mum and I are with her. Two of the ladies working at the store begin complimenting their hair and they talk about having dyed it. “What about you, small one?” the first lady asks me. I’ve never dyed my hair. I tell her that. She mentions how nice and curly it is, and my mum steps in to mention it used to be pin straight. I explain, “Yeah, it was really curly when I was little, then it straightened out. It only started getting curly like this again around the middle of secondary school.” I’m deliberate with that phrasing, after the ‘small one’ line: secondary school is behind me. The ladies are surprised. The hint doesn’t work to prevent them from saying something. “But you look like you’re still in school!”

I’m so tired of it. I get it: I’m short, I have a high pitched voice, I’m quiet. But why, why, why do you need to lie about my age. Why do you need to talk to a university student like an infant. Why do you need to address someone as ‘small one’ when speaking directly to them?

/rant

[anis-book-club]

review: the cuban girl's guide to tea and tomorrow by laura taylor namey

read: 21 january 2024—22 january 2024

medium: audiobook

⭐️2/5

every time i think about this book i want to drop half a star from my rating.

it's okay. it will stay at a 2/5 for now.

usually i don't take the time to actually review a book because i am busy and tired, but i just keep thinking about how much i want to talk about my issues with this book.

i think this book really bothers me because i lived lila's eventual dream life. i moved from the united states to england for university three years ago, and there are a couple of things that just felt really off about lila's character arc and the characterisation of the british characters.

as i said, i'm american and therefore i don't have much claim to knowing exactly how british people act and speak, and that awareness made me wonder if laura taylor namey had it right and i was wrong. later i spoke to my british flatmate and she sort of validated some of my issues with how the british characters spoke—namely that i think i heard/read the word "bloody" more times in the less-than-nine-hours duration of this novel than i have in the entirety of my three years living in the u.k. there may be some regional and generational differences in speech, but "bloody" doesn't really seem to be a prominent staple in british gen z slang in my limited experience. it honestly felt like an american-held stereotype of british speech given personality (and not all that much personality if i'm being honest).

moving on.

i felt like the writing of lila's coming to love england wasn't done very well. this is something that i closely understand and identify with, and the way it was handled in this novel felt very abrupt and awkward. if you're going to tell me that lila 'loves england', you have to show me as well, and i don't think that was accomplished. i took greater issue to it because a big part of her monologues about 'loving england' was that, for her, england was tied to orion. it started to feel like she only loved england because she loved orion. this isn't strictly true, and i think she does cite a few other reasons why she wanted to stay in england, but tellingly, i don't remember what any of them were. i know that not every person who moves to england will fall in love with it the way i did, but i remember being absolutely in wonder at the architecture, the culture, the atmosphere, the transportation links, the blend of modernity and antiquity, and so much more. i didn't get that feeling from lila's narration, and i think more time should have gone into exploring that.

a couple of very small lines at the end compounded this feeling of "that's not how that works". the first was a conversation between lila and pilar, where she says the word "petrol" instead of "gas". the second was her telling orion that she had submitted an application to a university in london and started applying for her student visa.

let me explain.

in my experience, vocabulary shifts take a lot of time. when you grow up into early adulthood saying one thing, it's not going to take only two and a half months for you to slip out of that and randomly start using another word. there are certainly some british words that someone might intentionally switch to using as opposed to the american equivalent.

for me, that was words like 'uni(versity)' over 'college' and, more recently (as in, in the last four months or so), 'trousers' over 'pants'. these are both because 'college' and 'pants' mean something different in england than they do back home, and i use these words daily to discuss my uni work. also, to me, 'petrol' is such a random choice. in my entirety of living here, i've probably heard the word 'petrol' only a handful of times. granted, i live in london where i and all of my friends use public transportation, which might not be the case for lila—i can't remember.

regardless, my point is that if your vocabulary is going to shift within only two months, it's going to be a word you use and hear daily, and you'd probably have to put the mental awareness into using the new word. her slipping up speaking to her american sister and saying 'petrol' just doesn't seem realistic. there is a plethora of more common words that namey could have used to make it more believable.

finally, i think i had a visible and audible reaction to the student visa comment. in public.

this was such a small comment in the grand scheme of the novel but it made me wonder if namey had researched at all how applying for a student visa from the u.s. to the u.k. works. if all of my above points are strictly subjective and reliant on my individual experience, this is the single point i will make that is based in facts.

the specific statement is something like "i applied [to the uni] and started my student visa application this morning" (i'm not entirely sure of the wording nor punctuation, i no longer have access to the book). i read this as she'd submitted her application to study and her application for a student visa on the same day, but i will allow that it could be read as she had submitted her application to study on an earlier date and had started the visa process that morning.

it doesn't matter which interpretation is the correct one because it doesn't make sense logistically either way. i've had to apply for two student visas over my three years of studying so far. to apply for a student visa, you need a number code that is given to you from the school after you've been accepted. for both courses i was accepted into, the application process started in february or march at the very latest, and it took over a month for me to be accepted. from then, it took a few months for me to even get that number code so i could start the visa application. you can't really get very far in the visa application process without that code because it's the thing that tells the u.k. government that you have a school sponsoring your residency.

even if she applied to the school as soon as she got home (and she didn't), there would still only be two weeks between then and her telling orion that she had started the visa process, which is definitely not enough time at all. it's such a small detail, but that was the final straw for any believability i might have given the novel credit for previously. it made me feel like this wasn't a well-researched novel, which is a shame, because i do believe that namey really loves england, and i wish she had let this interest show in her work.

if i didn't have these experiences, i don't think i would have noticed these inconsistencies and misrepresentations.

anyway, i read this book because i learnt while doing research for an essay that kit connor is cast in the movie adaptation. will i still be watching the movie? yes. because while it lacked depth and all i have done in this review is discuss some of its faults, it was still a sweet and relatively enjoyable read. i definitely think that the movie has the potential to be a very lighthearted and easy thing to watch.

tl;dr because i recognise that this review is, indeed, too long: this book was cute and lighthearted, though it lacked the sort of depth i usually look for in novels. there were a lot of inconsistencies in the writing of the british characters and lila's love for england that bothered me because they paralleled my own experiences, but not well. i recognise that this might be entirely subjective and someone else could find that lila's story was a great representation of their individual experience.

[freckleslikestars]

A few months back we had a 20th anniversary party at work. The whole thing - venue hire, bar tab, catering, cake, decorations, live music, DJ, casino tables, magician and photo booth - cost over £10,000. And I just remember thinking at the time that that was over eight months of my rent.

It was roaring 20s themed (because who doesn't love a cliche party theme) and when the couple celebrating, three of their four kids (apparently the seventeen y.o. and her girlfriend declined their invitation) and their son's partner rocked up, an hour late, they were all in 20s garb. She and the four kids were in gorgeous outfits - flapper dresses for her and the two girls, and tuxes for their son and his enby partner. Sidenote: she'd made the youngest daughter's (14) dress and paraded the poor girl around all night to her friends, going, 'Look at this dress I made, isn't it wonderful?' and this kid looked so uncomfortable and miserable. Anyway, we have four people in elegant clothes. But what about her husband? you know those iconic striped bathing suits from the early 1900s? he was in a bad cheap costume store one of those, and the dude spent the whole evening looking humiliated, made worse only by the fact that his wife kept going 'oh I didn't even make him wear it. i mean, I did find it and order it for him, and I did suggest he wear it, but he said yes without much convincing.' also, every single guest seemed to be her friend, not his. all the gifts were for her. they were all 'my friend from uni' or 'my friend from work'. none of them were 'our friends' or 'his friend'

Anyway. They turn up an hour late and then about half an hour later the rest of their guests turn up and nobody, not one single person, is in fancy dress. and oh, my god, the hissy fit this woman threw because "does nobody read an invite anymore?" now, the thing is, someone brought an invite with them and I read it and...there was no mention of fancy dress. all it said was that it was roaring 20s themed, which I wouldn't necessarily go 'oh that means I should dress up'.

but her yelling at all of her friends - people who'd traveled quite a way to be there, and had bought expensive gifts for her - was not the worst thing, no, it just gives you a good idea of this woman's personality. That prize goes to the temper tantrum she had at about half eleven. Now, it's important to know that the latest you can book my workplace is midnight. we're in a residential area so our liquor and music licenses only go to midnight - we can apply for three extensions a year if need be, but we have to also get permission from our landlord, which he won't give. and this is stated clearly in the contract you sign if you hire the venue. so it gets to half eleven and the band pass over to the DJ to round the night out and she starts kicking off. Because, remember how I said they turned up an hour late? somehow she decided that because they'd arrived an hour late, they deserved to stay an hour late. which...is not how it works.

So she's standing there in the middle of the room yelling at my boss because 'well I've paid for five hours so I have the right to five hours' which...she got five hours, it's just that she wasn't there for the first hour - which isn't our fault. So she then starts trying to bargain with us. Says 'I'll pay your staff and another hour of venue hire if you stay open for another hour'

this is impractical for many reasons. the biggest being that our licence would have run out, so she could in theory stay, but she couldn't have alcohol or music. nor, I believe, could the casino tables have been used, though I can't quite remember on that one. obviously, she didn't want that. she wanted alcohol and she wanted music and she'd pay the fine if we were caught for exceeding our license.

now, that's where we all kind of laughed our heads off, because the penalty, depending on various factors, for selling alcohol out of licensed hours, can be up to six months in prison and/or a fine of up to £20,000. twenty thousand pounds. I mean, that's...about two years of my wages. And at that she kind of blanches and goes 'oh, well, obviously, we'd split the fine 50/50' ma'am... no. and when we go...mmmm, no, if you were to somehow make us stay open, you would be paying the full find, love, she kicks off again, because 'well, it would hardly be my fault if you got caught breaking the law.'

like it was genuinely the most cyclical but also grossly wealthy-person argument. but also I think a lot of people at the party kind of realised just how out of touch this woman, their supposed friend, was with reality, given how poorly she'd treated them, the staff, and her family, throughout the night.

You really don’t realize how disconnected from reality rich people are until you have to work for them bro, like I just had a woman start crying because I told her that the leather recliners she wants to order would take 2 weeks to ship and she goes “We just finished our custom home theater room and I have a get together this weekend and I have kitchen chairs in there. do you have any idea what thats like?” HELLO????

[bibelots]

I've gone from super happy today to one hundred per cent misery now

[fandom-research]

First research results!

I have managed to turn analysing the survey to be part of a uni project I have due next month so I finally found time to analyse the basics! I will link to a less colourful and "boring" table view of all of these results in a later post, as I still need to write the code for that part and it's late. For now there is image description on there!

This analysis is based on n=100 people.

Question 1: Where do you mainly read fanfiction?

Unsurprisingly most of us spend a lot of time on AO3, but I think we should pay respect to the three lonely souls who use ff.net, wattpad or tumblr respectively. But how much time are we spending reading on average? Well...

Question 2: How much time do you spent reading fanfiction in a week?

I don't know if I should be concerned that nearly 1/4 of us is spending over 15 hours per week, meaning at least 2 hours a day, reading, but then again I strongly belong into the orange category as well.

Question 3: What fandom(s) do you regularily consume fanfiction from?

I have cut to the top ten of fandoms mentioned, because the list of mentioned fandoms is too long to nicely display in any form. It isn't all that legible already.

Quick switch to bar chart, because the pie chart got too crowded and because this is a multiple choice question so the percentages wouldn't match up. Our top 3 consist of Merlin at 19%, Marvel at 37% and Harry Potter at 71%. This is the point where I really questioned the data for the first time. I don't know if these percentages are representable for fandom as a whole or if this is a case of a "selffulfilling prophecy". Meaning the channels over which I distributed the questionnaire reached only a specific group of people, namely the Harry Potter and Merlin folks, as I have the most contact to those fandoms, accidentally biasing the data.

Question 4: What ship-category do you read most often?

Funfact: for the first ... 50? 65? entries, F/M wasn't represented at all. We love our gays I guess. Different funfact: there IS the option to choose F/F in the questionnaire. It just wasn't used. Even now there is one (1) lonely soul who picked that option out of 126. (The form is still open so on there I can see more answers than I used in the analysis)

Question 5: What type of fan-content do you create?

This one was a surprise. I didn't think that there were this many people actively creating content, but then again, this might due to the people reached by this questionnaire, so possible bias again. (Top 3: Fanfiction 77%, Fanart 35%, Podfic 9%)

That's it for the fan-related part of the research, let's go on with the neurodiversity and demographic part. Especially for these coming results keep the possibility of a bias in the data in mind.

Question 6: What form of neurodiversity/mental health struggle does apply to you?

This one was the reason this research even exists, and while I haven't yet looked up what percentages of the general society have any of the neurodiversities, I believe that this is rather high, proving my subjective observation: A LOT of the people reading fanfic are neurodiverse in some way. Over half of the participants answered that they have some form of anxiety and/or depression, with some people even leaving me comments how fanfiction is their safe-space, helped them grow and accept themself. This one I will be focussing more on in the future analysis.

Question 7: What is your gender identity?

This as well surprised me to a degree. Even without comparing I know that this is FAR off of the official gender demographics of the general society. Especially the amount of enbies is surprising but nonetheless welcome.

Question 8: Do you consider yourself as part of the LGBTQIA+ community?

(No picture due to the 10 pic limit on posts) Results:

Yes: 90%

No: 6%

Prefer not to say: 4%

Now, again. A LOT of us are queer as fuck. This is most definitely not the norm in general society and even with a potential bias is significant enough to say that the majority of fanfic-readers are part of the LGBTQIA+ community.

Question 9: If you consider yourself as part of the LGBTQIA+ community, what "part" of the community?

The answers here refer to the orientation differing from hetero or the gender identity differing from cis. Keep in mind that this question was voluntary and therefore not everyone did answer this. Actual percentage might be higher. (I don't know the number of people that answered that question right now but will go into more detail at a later date)

Question 10: How old are you?

Again a voluntary question. But on average the community seems to be in their mid or late twenties, although there are also a bunch of adults over 30 enjoying fanfiction. This graph especially reminded me to not assume anything about people within the community. The other person could be someone in still in school, dealing with their first crush or big exams. It could just as well be someone working full time or someone with kids, someone with grandkids even. Fanfic is and always should be open for people of all ages.

Question 11: Where do you live?

Sadly I haven't been able to reach people in africa or antarctica but oh well. The form is still online, should anyone from there want to add their input into this statistic! ;)

Overall results:

People reading fanfic are a lot more queer, neurodiverse and in general divers than one might expect. I for one was surprised to see how willing people where to answer a stupid online survey that wasn't supposed to lead anywhere.

Thank you to everyone who answered and especially to those that left me nice comments in the form <3

[tomtenadia]

My knight in shining armour

Rowaelin month Day 2 - University AU

I literally just finished this. I wasn’t going to write for this prompt but then an idea finally hit me.

The title as usual is bad... sorry

2k words

-----

Aelin had days in which she hated men. That was one of those days. 

After finishing high school she decided to took a challenging course at the University of Terrasen. Her dad, before he retired, had been an airforce pilot. She had grown up going around his base, visiting him when he was back. In doing so, she had become obsessed with planes. As she grew up, her dad had let her get friendly with his engineer and the man had started teaching her all she needed to know about aircrafts. From the basic physics to the more obscure detail of how the jet worked. Aelin had been fascinated. She had started reading all the possible books, and as she got older, her dad’s engineer had also started having her to actually help her in the hangar. In the summer when school was out, she would actually get a part-time job as an apprentice at the base and she had loved every moment of it. She had also become very close with the two female pilots and together they had spent time talking about the life of a woman in a boys club. The two women had become her role models very quickly.

Terrasen was quite and open minded country but some ideas were still quite obsolete.

In high school at the question “what you want to be when you grow up?” She always answered an aircraft engineer for the airforce. She never faltered or never doubted. That’s what she wanted to, that was her path.

But when time for uni arrived and she applied for a degree in aeronautical engineering, that’s when she realised that the boys club extended far more than she expected.

She was basically the only woman in the class. None of the guys had approached her and on the first day she had walked in the classroom, one of them had the guts to tell her that the humanities department was in the annex c. She ignored the bastard and sat down at the front. She belonged in that room and she would prove it to every single one of them.

Day after day she had shown her knowledge and surprised her professor who was amazed at the fact that she could answer such in depth questions. Last time it happened, she had turned to Chaol - the asshole who had told her about the annex c, and gave him a smirk. That had removed his stupid grin from his face. It felt amazing.

During a private one-to-one with her professor she had confessed to him she had been working at the airbase as an apprentice during the past three summers. Her teacher had luckily been very supportive and encouraged her to keep up the good work.

Now, six months in, she still hated with a vengeance the arseholes she had to study with. Some of them even had the guts to ask her for some help after they realised she was actually good. She had answered that surely they didn’t want the help of a woman, and walked away.

After another class it was finally lunch time and she was meeting Rowan down at their spot on the grass. They were a couple. He had asked her out in the summer after high school was over and they had been together ever since. He was a med student and he knew her pain about choosing a challenging degree. Both their degrees were very intense and required a lot of time so they would just try and spend as much time together as they could. They had a flat together but the public library was were they spent most of their time.

And when their schedules allowed it, they would enjoy lunch together, venting about their academical choices.

“I fucking hate that bastard.” She raged, dropping her bag on the grass and sitting at his side, depositing a kiss on his lips. She felt better almost immediately, being in his arms was all she needed to feel okay again.

“What did he do now?” Asked Rowan knowing of her struggles in her classes.

Aelin grabbed her bag and pulled out her food, the dinner that Rowan had prepared the previous night and then packed away for both of them.

“The teacher gave us an exercise where we had to design an aircraft with what we had learned so far.” She told him, while munching away her food “He was up first and his project was a effing disaster. Seriously, I’d wouldn’t want to fly on a plane designed by him.” She took a sip of her water “the teacher asked us to say what was wrong and it took me ten minutes to stop. I mean, a two year old would have done a better job with lego bricks.”

Rowan giggled at her side “then my turn came and the bastard had the guts to tell me that the aerodynamics of my plane were off and that my ailerons where wrong as well and would not allow the plane to function properly. I took my laptop and shoved it in his face and told him to find the error in my math. He had no clue.” Her face turned smug “then the teacher took over and said that actually my project was, among all, the only one that could actually fly. I felt smug as fuck.”

Rowan pulled an arm around Aelin’s shoulder and pulled her to him. He was proud of her. Every damn day.

“Then after class, he threw me a paper plane and inside it had a message saying this is the only plane you will ever build or work on. I swear, the guy is still alive only because I am not looking forward to finishing my degree via distance learning from a prison.”

She calmed down “how was your day?”

Rowan leaned back against the tree “I had anatomy and physiology. Today we covered the endocrine system and it must be one most boring of them all.”

“Well,” she added with a big smile “when you cover the reproductive system you are welcome to practice with me…”

He laughed and squished her to her chest “I am a very big fan of your… bits.” She kissed him deeply not caring that they were in public, she wanted him and hated that they had more classes before being able to go home and then alas, study more. Maybe for one evening they could study something different.

“Aelin?”

“Yes, buzzard?”

His tongue gently teased her and she opened for him while his hand brushed off a rebel strand of hair.

He pulled back “Nothing, you had tomato sauce on you lips. I was just wiping it off. Did you think I wanted to kiss you?” 

Aelin gently punched him on the shoulder, in return he gave her a massive grin. Rowan was a very reserved man who struggled with stranger, but she had her own version, the goofy one, the one who made jokes and loved to cuddle with her. She would treasure that version forever. That was just for her.

They were busy chatting away and she was showing him on her laptop the exercise she had been working on and her plane prototype and although what she was saying was greek to him, he still listened to her in fascination.

She was telling him how a plane flew and the four forces when a figure stopped in front of them.

“It must be exciting to brag with your boyfriend about your hopeless projects.” Said the man.

Rowan raised his eyes and finally saw the face of the man that had been making Aelin’s life miserable.

“What did you just say?” Rowan stood and towered on the brown-haired man by twenty centimetres. Chaol also looked frail compared to Rowan’s muscular frame.

“Chaol, you’d better go.” Not that she cared about the man, she just didn’t want Rowan to get into trouble for a petty man.

“You’d better give up while you still can, Galathynius. Aeronautical engineering is not a field for a woman.” He crossed his arms at his chest trying to look intimidating but the look in Rowan’s eyes told her it was a useless attempt. Her boyfriend was ready to attack. She knew he had never hit anyone, but had a feeling that if Chaol didn’t stop it could be a first for Rowan.

“Chaol,” she stood as well and growled his name in warning.

“Oh, so you are one of those arseholes who believes that certain jobs can be done only by those who were born with a penis. It’s the fucking 21st century. Grow up, idiot.”

Rowan swore, alarm bells rang in Aelin’s head. He only swore when he was extremely mad, something that her unflappable boyfriend rarely was.

“Oh look, Galathynius, you have a knight in shining armour.”

Aelin moved between Rowan and Chaol, trying to separate them when her boyfriend moved a step closer to the other guy.

Chaol chuckled “Did you sleep with every professor—” but Chaol never finished his sentence. She saw the scene develop in slow motion in front of her. At those words Rowan’s face had turned feral and as on instinct his arm moved and a second later his fist found its target in Chaol’s face. 

Rowan then grabbed Chaol by the collar and lifted him up slightly “You take it back, immediately or I’ll smash all the twenty two bones in your skull.”

“Go on,” said Chaol, nursing a broken lips.

Aelin stopped in between and grasped Rowan’s hand gently “Put him down, Ro, he is not worth it.”

Her gaze then turned to Chaol “now you go back to whatever shithole you came from and perhaps go back working on your project and design a real aircraft.” She moved closer to him “I know what the fuck I am doing. And I know I will have a job in the airforce after this. You will just go back being daddy’s little spoiled boy.”

Chaol glared at her and Rowan finally let go of him, bur before he fully released him he pulled the man close enough that his mouth was near his ear “you disrespect her like that one more time and you’ll finish your degree from a hospital bed while sipping your food from a straw.” Rowan flashed his teeth in a threatening gesture “you leave her alone, because if I hear you have been a bastard to her one more time, I will make your life a living hell.” And eventually released him. Chaol shrugged his t-shirt back into place and walked away without adding another word.

Rowan sighed and then turned to her, his expression back being soft as soon as she looked back at him.

“You didn’t have to punch him,” she said while snuggling against his chest. His arms quickly around her.

“Yes I had to. What he said….” She felt him tense up again “he made me so mad, fireheart.”

“Seeing you thump him was very sexy,” she kissed him gently on the lips “my knight in shining armour.”

Rowan chuckled and looked into he blue eyes “you don’t need a knight. You are fierce, brave and strong and do not need any protection,” he added, his lips on her head. Nesting under his chin was her favourite position. They fit perfectly “I, on the other hand, as a male who is hopelessly in love with you, felt the desperate need to avenge the sullied honour of my amazing other half.”

Aelin giggled hard “you really sound like a knight.”

“Come on, Sir Rowan Whitethorn of Wendlyn, let’s finish our lunch, I have an hour of mechanics of flight coming up and I need sustenance.”

“Yes, my queen,” he said kneeling in front of her.

Aelin laughed and kissed him deeply “maybe I can be your queen tonight in bed as well.”

His smirk grew wider and Aelin felt heat pool at her core at his expression.

“Whatever m’lady commands.”

They finished their lunch in peace without any more interruptions and eventually they parted ways, going to their respective classes.

Chaol did not bothered her anymore. He didn’t even met her gaze and him ignoring her was all she asked. She was there to learn, he could just go and sulk in the afterburner of a jet, perhaps while on, for all she cared.

Aelin texted Rowan a thank you and his reply was a simple To whatever end.

[missymurphy1985]

The Medic (Part 8)

Warning - angst

Taglist @queenshelby @margoo0 @being-worthy @peakyscillian @peakyciills @janelongxox @elenavampire21 @ysmmsy @cloudofdisney @lauren-raines-x @namelesslosers @misscarolineshelby @screemqueen @cilleveryone @peaky-cillian @misselsbells06 @datewithgianni @heidimoreton

Back in Cillian's hotel room later, the two of you were talking about the messages. Trying to decide what to do, work out who the threat could have come from. Narrowing it down was difficult - every single cast member was on set this afternoon, there was no way of pinpointing who it could have been.

"Paul, Sophie and Tash were in the queue ahead of you, so it can't be them..." He said, sipping a glass of red wine while you stared at the photo on your phone.

"Could it have been Anna?"

"She was sat with Finn by the coffee machine, I remember the death stare she gave me."

"Yeah, about that. Was there anything going on with you two?" You asked, making him laugh.

"She tried. Unsuccessfully. She just wants to up her profile and get more screen time. Fucking an executive producer. She was shit faced at the wrap party last series and tried to kiss me when I took her back to her room. Left her on her own telling her I wasn't interested. She spread rumours around set that we hooked up - I can promise you we did nothing of the sort."

"I believe you. She's so not your type."

"I have a type now do I?"

"Yeah - quiet girls who don't kiss and tell. Non-famous. Low profile. Someone you can come home to at the end of a long day filming and be relaxed around. Someone normal."

"Do you tick all of those boxes y/n?"

"I think I do. I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier.."

"No need. I didn't tell Helen though. She caught us behind the trailers after lunch. She told me off and slapped the back of my head for being a horny little schoolboy!"

You had to laugh - it was like being caught by the teacher snogging behind the bikesheds at school.

"Seriously, what are we going to do?"

"Whoever sent that has clear evidence that would either label me a sex pest at work, or destroy your career. We need to contact whoever it is making the threats. It's clearly someone on set. I have an idea."

*************************************************************

The following morning, Cillian called a mass team meeting for the final day of shooting. The series would be wrapped after this one, and due to everyone's schedules being so busy a wrap party hadn't been arranged until the following month, so he brought the cast and crew together with the illusion of it being a farewell and thank you to everyone. You were sat next to Kate as he delivered his speech.

Kate suddenly reached into her handbag and disappeared out the back, and your heart dropped. Cillian noticed it too but carried on with the end of his speech. Once he'd finished, and the room clapped and cheered, he excused himself and headed out to where Kate had left. You followed him, Helen close behind.

"You... You backstabbing little bitch!" You cried as Helen held you back. You wanted to tear her hair out.

"What?" She cried, backing away.

"Did your phone ring while you were in there?" Helen asked, as Cillian took your hand and held you close to him to stop you killing her.

"Yes..."

"Is it ringing now?" Helen asked, holding her own phone up as it rang the number that had messaged you both the day before. Her phone flashed up with an incoming call.

"Kate? Of all people... Why?" Cillian asked, completely dumbfounded.

"Because of YOU!!" she barked, staring straight at you.

"Me??"

"Yes you!! Perfect little you! Straight A student YOU!!! You always had to be one step ahead of me didn't you? Always had to be better! You know how long I've tried to get into Emergency medicine, and there you go applying for the position I wanted and you fucking got it, didn't you??"

"Kate, you didn't even tell me you'd applied for it!? If you had I'd never have gone for it!"

"Yes you fucking would! Just like everything else - you see something I want and you TAKE IT!" She looked at Cillian and then back at you.

"Kate you're married!"

"To a fucking loser! You KNEW I had a crush on him, and you couldn't resist could you? You said on the way up here that he wasn't even that good looking!! Took you less than 72 hours to fuck him though, didn't it? If I hadn't admitted I liked him you wouldn't have touched him with a bargepole and you fucking know it!"

"Okay well we've established that you're clinically insane at least..." You seethed. Helen took Kate to one side and talked to her alone. You couldn't hear what she was saying.

"Not that good looking huh?" Cillian whispered in your ear.

"Oh be quiet, I'd only ever watched one movie you were in and you were a plane riding terrorist."

Helen came back with Kate who still had a face like thunder.

"Give them the phone." Helen ordered and Kate, surprisingly handed it over. You took it and opened up the message app, deleting the photo. You also deleted it from her gallery. Cillian took the phone from you and threw it to the ground, stomping on it as hard as he could.

"That's what you get for calling the nice guy of Hollywood a fucking sexual predator," he spat. Kate looked at you both and you could see a mix of tears and anger in her eyes.

"Kate... I never once wanted to get one over on you. Never. There was a job coming up at the hospital next month that I was going to recommend you for! I was the one who helped you all the way through uni when you needed it. I was the one who told Dr Taylor to give you the job onset here! You didn't know any of that, did you?"

"You did that?"

"Yeah, I did. Now you've thrown away a perfect friendship because of some petty jealousy issues. Well done you."

"Y/n I'm sorry..."

"Take your 'sorry' and shove it up your arse. You nearly ruined us. Go to hell."

"Any more photos, footage, or stories even come close to the public eye and all three of us will sue you for slander. Understand?" Helen threatened, making Kate back down. She nodded, tears in her eyes as she walked away. Your legs buckled underneath you, Cillian catching you quickly as your emotions spilled out. You sobbed against his chest, nearly 20 years of friendship gone in the click of a camera. You'd never trust her again.

"Friends like that aren't worth it - she gets to live out her life without you in it, and you get to live yours with him in it. I think it's a pretty fair trade, don't you?" Helen soothed. Your tears easing, feeling him kiss the top of your head.

"Oh and I believe you know Doctor Taylor?" She said, making you turn to face her.

"He was my professor in med school.."

"Well he just happened to be my husband's cousin. I spoke to him about your little 'situation'. There's no issue here - you're not his doctor you're an onset medic - there's a big difference. You won't lose your license for this," she smiled.

"Really?"

"Really. He checked with the medical board - it's a non-issue."

With that Cillian scooped you up, and planted the biggest kiss on your lips, spinning you round.

"I don't have to hide now," he grinned as you laughed in his arms.

"Put her down Cill, we've still got a day of filming! And we only have one medic now so try not to hurt anyone, yeah?"