#and then there's the fact that multiple characters have the first name 'del'. i thought it was annoying at first but it's probably realistic

[grinchthem]

my friend pointed out that the sporadic use of normal and ~future~ names in blake's 7 is really funny sometimes, especially with servalan and travis. this is my oc queen evillienne darkraven and her traitorous lieutenant, craig

[rozzie-the-ninth]

Nah, I know Greek Gaia and Roman Gaius aren't etymologically related but ultimately that doesn’t matter. Tazmuir likes to cram multiple references into one thing, so if both the Greek and Roman references work then both work.

Ditto, caesar. Ditto the emperor thing. Making sense trumps tangentiality.

I hadn't mentioned gaudere because I simply don't have any cool theory why that does matter in the context of TLT. It’s not like Dulcinea where both the reference to Dulcinea del Toboso - as foreshadowing that Dulcinea doesn’t exist in GtN, and ethymologically from dulce as a reference to her character. John isn’t a particularly joyous character. Maybe as a kind of cosmic irony? That when he was a baby god choosing that name, he was overjoyed with what he accomplished but 10,000 years later, ooop, look how that turned out. But I don't think his naming process was that complicated as to go to the etymology. You know the titkok trend of how often men are thinking about the Roman empire? But when you ask them any actual facts and details, in most cases it turns out they’re more obsessed with the idea than with actually knowing anything of substance. And John's just a guy. He would totally be like "Ooh! Ahh! Imma be an emperor!! With an emperor-y name!!" Frankly, we're lucky he didn't choose something even more ridiculous! Then again, he did choose something more ridiculous. Necrolord Prime. Lol what. That's such an edgelord name.

Yes, the Lyctors could have used numbers. So what. They also could have resolved it in a number of different ways. But in the spirit of not fixing what ain't broken, if the initials worked for them, they had zero incentive to change it to something more "univerally making sense". There were only ever several of them. They didn't need to make a system for designing callsigns - they're not a military or any other large and structured organization - they only had to make a few callsigns that made a modicum of sense. Plus. You've met John. He's an absolute control freak but he's shit at many things. He's literally just a guy. It would absolutely track with his character if the only explanation was "he's shit at building empires"

I think that's one of the reasons I love this series so much. At first in GtN you start reading and "ooh that's a bit ridiculous, right? Suspension of disbelief, tho, I guess. On with the story". But as you read on and on, you realise you suspended your disbelief too much and what you thought was just worldbuilding, was exposition from a point of view of characters that are raised in an environment of a 10,000-year-old cult brainwashing. So sometimes a dumb thing is just a dumb thing and you have to look for clues and context elsewhere to understand that the dumb thing is supposed to be dumb.

Chapter 36 of Harrow the Ninth

I've spent most of Saturday entering 145 of my ~200 sims into a new family tree program, which is sort of like the mental equivalent of stimming, but I think it's time to take a break and do more Locked Tomb liveblog

The symbol on this chapter is, I gather, meant to be a Herald, or possibly something else that's resurrection-beast-adjacent. Also, we are at one week before the prologue, now, if we can trust these chronological notes

Harrow has an absolutely massive case of Former "Gifted Child" syndrome, but she's only 18

She's one week away from probably dying while fighting a resurrection beast and she's way more worried about who is betraying John. It's also interesting how she compares her various experiences to decide whether or not something was a hallucination

I kind of wonder if at some point she is going to come to the conclusion that BOE can perform resurrections, since she saw three apparently resurrected (based on her memories of them) people, who claimed to be with BOE, or if that would be too sacrilegious an idea for her

First of all, what does "G" stand for in "J. G."? If John has a cavalier, I'd expect it to be A.L., or possibly the soul of Earth, not someone whose name starts with G

Second of all, why do they have callsigns? The purpose of callsigns (at least in ham radio, anyway) is to uniquely identify each individual radio geek, communicate their position in the radio geek hierarchy (and thus what frequencies they have access to, etc.), identify where they are from, and be relatively short because Morse Code is pretty verbose. But they are communicating in spoken language here, there's no reason for them to use Morse Code or a similar system, so there's no reason for them to shorten their names. Also, if this really is meant to be English, enunciating single letters over radio in English is notoriously prone to miscommunication due to how similar a lot of letter names sound, and for the purpose of being clear while doing this the NATO phonetic alphabet was invented, if you're actually going to do a radio thing in spoken language, you should be saying "Juliet Golf" instead of "J. G.", etc. Anyway, in addition to all this, this system is not even guaranteed to create a unique callsign for each Lyctor, it happens that all of these are unique, but that's just an accident. Goddammit, this pisses me off and I'm not even a real radio geek, I was just raised by radio geeks

So I'm guessing the resurrection beast/herald fear aura is directly related to guilt over the indelible sin, which makes sense if they specifically pursue people who committed the indelible sin. I believe when they were discussing how BOE hunted down a herald in order to make it into herald bullets (which I now retroactively realize means that BOE must use guns) they said that it affected all necromancers, so I wonder if it's more generally about gaining power from death

Also "it knows what you did to its kin", maybe referring to John consuming the soul of Earth? Or locking it in the Tomb? I'm not sure anymore

I mean, I think the Body going away probably has to do with the resurrection beast and not with Harrow, but haha, poor Harrow

You know, I've heard non-Americans complain that saying "Not!" after a sentence in this way is an Americanism, so I'm surprised to see this here. Or maybe it's only here to emphasize how grating Mercy's lecture is?

Is this a reference to the "it's for a church, honey, next!!" lady?

I know this is supposed to be a "Mercy is not fun at parties" thing, but honestly I feel this

I was curious how far that actually was, it turns out that is 33 and a half astronomical units. Yeah, that's pretty far away

That 2,000 kilometers is a mere 1 2.5 millionth of the total distance of 5 billion kilometers, though. I would think just covering that whole distance in a reasonable amount of time would be harder? Supposedly they don't have access to the stele system out here

This is the "Sex Pal" moment of this book, isn't it? I have no actual idea if John is lying about the peanuts or not, but I love the idea of Mercy just fuming over this one peanut incident for a significant part of 10,000 years

Also, the way describes this fantasy exchange between her and John feels like a bible story to me. Is it just me?

Ok, so this is interesting, because Number One has been mentioned, which means that if the beasts are numbered according to the way the Houses are numbered, then Earth can't be the missing beast. Previously we had only heard about Two, Six, Seven, and Eight, now we are up to One, Two, Four, Six, Seven, and Eight, which leaves Three, Five, and Nine. John said at the beginning of the book that there were three left to defeat, one of which is obviously Seven, and I guess the remaining two are Three, Five, or Nine. I wonder if the beasts are instead numbered based on their order from the sun, which would make Earth Three? That would make Seven actually be Uranus, which does match up with the 50,000 kilometer in diameter number from earlier, but I thought the point of that number was that the resurrection beast was supposed to be bigger than the original planet?

Does north/east/south/west even have any meaning in space, or in the River, without the presence of a magnetic field? I mean, the resurrection beast is a planet, so it might have a magnetic field, but we've established that they will not be attacking its actual body

Is this actually some missing information about what the fuck Mercy's powers even have to do with the rest of the Eighth House, or is Augustine just saying things to be saying things?

I wonder if it actually turns out to be something different, seeing as John literally has no intel on it

Also, you definitely do believe in sin, like, I don't think the concept of sin is necessarily universal across all religions, but it's definitely a big part of this one, necrophilia has been mentioned as a sin, we also have the indelible sin, and Mayonnaise Uncle definitely seemed to feel like some things were sins back in Gideon the Ninth

[mrsmarlasinger]

Soooo starting about six hours ago, I took a 10mg indica edible, 4 RoboTabs, and 16 gelcaps (sum total is equivalent to 400mg HBr) over the course of three hours, and uh. That was horrifying, thanks! Definitely experienced ego death, there were multiple times where I was convinced I was dying, and I could not for the life of me comprehend who or where I was or what was real. In fact, there was a point where I felt that my WIP was real, even as my actual life began to feel impossibly contrived and shallow. Eventually I reached a point where I was listening to a Lana Del Rey song and could not determine who—out of me, Lana Del Rey, and the main character in my WIP—was real. Not sure why my WIP featured so heavily, but I suppose it's on my brain 24/7 when I'm sober, so it makes sense it would appear in my high.

Anyway, I spent most of my time on my bed proceeding through a variety of bodily sensations (flying/dreaming [yes, that's a physical sensation]/spinning/burning/being dragged down/being pushed down/being skewered/numbness/munchies/nausea/ITCHING/etc.), as is typical for one of my trips, but through much of that I was fighting to come to terms with my death-in-progress. I genuinely believed my brain was shutting down and my mind/consciousness was scattering because obviously I'd overdosed on 400mg and was dying. At best, I thought I'd be have to be rushed to the emergency room and would be left with permanent brain damage. At worst...well, I was begging my QPP to tell me whether there is an afterlife.

The very structure of the world, the universe, my life, my self—it was all spiraling apart. I could not come to terms with myself or my life, couldn't believe the facts, couldn't feel that any of it was real. Felt myself slipping into my characters but couldn't figure out who was really fiction. Chanted my name internally as if I could fathom that it represented me, that people know me and refer to me by this collection of phonemes even when I am not present, that I am not merely set dressing. When I opened my front camera, I laughed because I could not believe that this ugly, frightening collection of skin stretched over bone was me. At times I laughed a lot—when it was good, everything was absurdly hilarious. When it was bad, everything was an impossible, hazy, incomprehensible mess of black mist dissipating in my brain. I wavered in and out of the two states.

My mouth was numb. Couldn't talk. There were times where everything felt bright and burning and sharp: my bed, the air, my own body. Or I'd feel an incredible pressure on my head, drilling me down through the mattress. Or my face, just the lower right side of it, would become immensely heavy, like an actual, physical weight dragging me down. Or perhaps my sense of self would spin out into the void and I'd be left with nothing, barely even a sense of sensation, just the empty pit shaped loosely by music.

The first place my room transformed to when I closed my eyes, earlier in the trip, was my Hawai'i bedroom. I could feel that I was back in my room in JoAnn's house, and I was very tiny and spinning very quickly, and then eventually I could not sense where I was at all. I was nowhere. I was just a bug or a very small doll being folded up into a bed somewhere that didn't really exist.

I'm on the comedown now, when every part of your body feels like a light, hollowed-out husk.

Okay, I fell asleep and I've now been high for twelve hours and I just know the hangover is gonna hit like a fucking truck. Cannot express in words how glad I am that I had just enough presence of mind to talk only to my girlfriend and QPP, because reading my texts back? Utterly incoherent! I can remember what I was going through and the thought processes I had when I sent them, and the terror I was in, but they are hilariously incomprehensible.

Because weed dilates time so badly for me, every moment felt like it lasted an eternity. I fully understood the sci-fi trope about a drug that makes a normal prison sentence feel like centuries long. All the fear and ego death and dissociation and physical pain, it just never ended. Even when I was finally starting to come down, I'd be so hopeful it was getting better and then the high would seize me again like a sheet of lightning washing over my skin. I felt like I'd been through millennia of torture. Now, in retrospect, time seems slightly more normalized and I can comprehend that it was only a few hours, but I remember how it felt, the slowing of time, and I am so incredibly grateful that that's not how I perceive the trip in memory. I cannot imagine what it would do to my psyche to possess years' worth of memories which all occurred in one fucked-up night. Truly, I thought that I was dying or losing my mind or both (I asked my QPP and girlfriend multiple times if I was dying or receiving brain damage), and that reality did not exist, and I did not exist, and my life was just a pretended front for a vast empty void. Also? The cotton mouth.

Some issues with combining weed and DXM have now occurred to me. The weed-induced time dilation, for instance, which turns minutes of dissociative dysphoria into lifetimes of torture. The fact that DXM has an unbearable body load (nausea, itching, increased body heat, numbness/tingling, etc.) and weed heightens all of my bodily sensations; though I do believe the edible killed all but a trace of my nausea, and reducing sorbitol through RoboTabs prevented the infamous and much-dreaded roboshits. Can you imagine how awful it would have been if I had been shitting myself on TOP of everything else????? GOD. DXM is such a garbage drug.

It wasn't, though. Not the entire time. When I was lying with my eyes closed and feeling my body move through space, I loved it. I felt myself rolling and flipping and flying and floating through the air, upside down and backwards and sideways and every other way, and it felt exactly the way it does when you fly in your dreams. I was in space a little, but mostly I was just soaring through pastel cotton candy skies. Flying over fields and a carnival in a soft expanse of rosy pink as the sun rose. Grazing the stars, just barely, in the pale blue of the early morning sky. It made me so sad to think that not everyone could experience this, this incredible soul-soaring euphoria, and that it would end. I could've cried thinking about all the people who would never feel this. Thinking about comedown. I never wanted to be sober, unhigh, again. In that moment, oh, I knew I was going to develop an addiction. All I could do was text my QPP "DXM best drug" (or some approximation thereof) over and over again. I was flying. I was dreaming.

And then reality crumbled in my hands and I couldn't tell if I really was dreaming, if I was asleep or just a figment of someone's imagination (my own?) or what.

Another memory: scratching the living hell out of my flesh (particularly my head) and seeing the long scratch marks on my arm, which in the dim of my fairy lights instantly made it appear withered and wrong, like an image from a horror movie.

There was still a part of my brain that was worried my parents would find me high. I couldn't bear the humiliation of being discovered and inevitably hospitalized—or so I assumed—which would of course trigger an incomparable shitstorm from my very anti-drug Mormon parents. There were grains, just grains, of rationality left in my mind. Every so often I managed to grasp a real, solid, logical thought, such as "I'm way too high. This is going to be so funny to me tomorrow." I even managed to send a couple mildly coherent texts. After telling my QPP, "Ahhhhhh what is happening!!!!!!! I am coming back into myself and my life and my body but the music is separate from me and I'm shaking apart like a robot and I'm dying!!!!!!!!" while I was coming down (for some reason I felt like a robot, I guess?), my next text was, "Dude, I am so sorry, there is an intellectual part of me still here, I just can't reliably access it."

What I meant about the music, by the way, was that I felt a very distinct break between my body and the music in my headspace, and I suppose that this dichotomy is what led me to feel like I was "shaking apart" and dying. I am not sure what the robot thing was about. Since I robowalk on comedown, it's possible I was feeling mechanical stiffness in my muscles.

So. Yes. I started out with a scientific interest in the way the two drugs were beginning to intertwine: time dilation and enhanced bodily sensations from weed; dissociation and accompanying spaciness/forgetfulness from DXM; visual dissociation (like playing first person perspective in the Sims, or looking at the world through the wrong end of a telescope) primarily from DXM; enhanced music from both; some nausea from DXM; extreme hunger from what I presume was the weed, because even though I don't really get the munchies, DXM suppresses my appetite a little. Anyway, the world then started to become disorienting and slightly dysphoric, but eventually I slipped into startling beauty and overwhelming love for DXM, which of course soured into a living nightmare.

I can't even describe what I felt. I'm trying so hard, but I can't. That's the thing about mind-altering substances; by their very nature, they unlock new kinds of perception and cognition that are simply impossible for a sober brain to fathom, because that's just not how it works. Even in the moment, I knew I would never be able to fully remember or convey what I was feeling, which was incredibly frustrating because I knew I'd never be able to adequately incorporate this terrible nightmare into my WIP and thus get something out of it.

I told myself to simply accept that I was high, to stop trying to get control of it, to sink into the moment and ride the waves no matter how intense, but it was nigh impossible because I was so certain that I was experiencing the end of life as I knew it (or, alternatively, that life as I knew it had never actually existed).

Instead I struggled to deal with the fact that I was dying and this was the stupid, stupid way it would all end: overdosing on cough medicine. I told myself that I was suicidal anyway, so I shouldn't really be so upset about dying, but I didn't know if there was an afterlife, and that terrified me. It couldn't have been the end of everything. I wasn't ready. I wasn't.

What's funny is that I just barely retained my ability to do math throughout the trip, so I was able to continually calculate my dosage so long as my QPP helped me remember what I'd taken, because I couldn't remember jackshit—though I was, impressively, able to independently maintain a timestamped list of everything I took. What ISN'T funny is that I kept compulsively redosing even though I'd TOLD myself I wouldn't because I KNOW I do this, which is how my plan of 345mg HBr and half an edible turned into a full edible and the HBr equivalent of 400mg split between HBr and freebase (which is allegedly supposed to be less "warm" and "friendly" than HBr). Goddammit. I ALMOST took another RoboTab, but fortunately I decided against it. God knows how I got ahold of myself. 10mg indica or 225mg HBr ALONE will fuck me up, and I knew this, but I kept convincing myself to take just a tiny bit more, boost the peak a little (even though redosing has never worked like that for me in the past. I believe it somewhat did in this instance because I was intentionally using RoboTabs knowing they'd hit faster).

The giggliness that came and went is still lingering. Every time I read that text about myself "shaking apart like a robot," or any of my other high texts, I laugh. Also, I for some reason took and sent my girlfriend a very unflattering ass picture toward the beginning of my trip, and every time I saw it last night, I cracked up laughing. Sometime after the ass pic I also took a trio of selfies in which I am laughing and smiling like a maniac, which were incredibly ugly and unsettling to me when I took them, but I sent them to my QPP and girlfriend anyway because I perceived the girl in the pictures as a different person.

It's been thirteen and a half hours, but I can tell I'm still high because music still sounds good and the hangover hasn't hit yet. I'm seriously starving, though. Haven't eaten in at least twenty-five hours, which isn't so long, but again, I think it's possible the weed cancelled out the DXM appetite suppression. Maybe I go try to eat something. Maybe I finally stop writing and give up on trying to pin down the fundamentally incomprehensible.

My final thoughts, now that another hour has passed and I've been high for fourteen and a half hours? I suppose my big High Revelation™ is that I don't really want to die, but I already knew that. So my actual conclusion is this meme I just made:

Still gonna do it again tho 😌💅

Anyway, I'm gonna go read that one r/nosleep story about a guy who's given a time dilation drug and his life becomes a living nightmare for which death is the only possible relief. Bye bitches ✌️

[cherry-interlude]

Lana Del Rey Album Songs Ranking (Remade)

It’s been a few years since I ranked all of Lana’s (album) songs so I wanted to do it again. This is all my OPINION, which I’m sure some people might disagree with, but you don’t have to agree with it. This is also a very long post.

Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood

This cover song is just a little too drab and uninteresting to me, and I never listen to it. After the brilliant, sprawling, sexy, heart-breaking tracks on Honeymoon, this feels like a tacked-on track just to plump up the album. It feels simply like a cover.

For Free

Though this is a well-made song, with three brilliant women owning the track, it again just feels like a cover. It fits in well with Chemtrails, but by the time I get to this song I’ve had my fill.

Breaking Up Slowly

It just feels repetitive and simple, something only to have on in the background while my attention is diverted. It’s a good song and a nice attempt at bringing Lana’s country music in, but it does little to keep me interested.

God Knows I Tried

This song is filler. Jammed between the jazzy softness of Terrence Loves You and the pop favourite High By The Beach, this track just feels like it was sort of shoved in. It doesn’t even feel completely right on Honeymoon, instead a throwaway song that bridges Ultraviolence and Honeymoon whilst not fitting in with either album.

24

Though perfect for the credits of a Hollywood movie, 24 has plenty of flair but nothing of substance. The lyrics aren’t as imaginative as most of Lana’s music and I’m not surprised this song found itself near the end of the album.

Lucky Ones

Personally, this song irritates me. It's sickly in its lyrics, sugary in the romance and classic Lana tropes of dangerous men and Lana starstruck by them no matter if they’re ‘careless cons and crazy liars’. The little flair of the verses and the overtly sweet chorus really irks me, especially following the brilliance that is Lana’s first ‘Del Rey’ album.

Coachella

It is a rushed track, sounding completely unfinished and hurried with an unconvincing track beat. Polished, it would be brilliant – but it sounds like Lana thought of the song (which sounds promising in the video where she sits in the forest and sings) and had to force it to ‘fit in’ with the trap-pop tracks on Lust For Life. The lyrics are thoughtful, if not cliché, but it could have been done better.

This Is What Makes Us Girls

It just doesn’t appeal to me. Maybe because I can’t connect to the lyrics in any way, I just don’t feel anything when I hear this song and choose to skip it. That being said, the demos are pretty fun.

God Bless America

As much as it’s a song honouring women during a period of time when feminism was being shaken, it doesn’t quite feel like Lana’s heart is in it. The patriotism is uneasy considering she was removing herself from the American flag and its associations, and the anthemic feel never lifts. It’s a sweet song, but never goes deeper than surface level.

Religion

Though fairly sexy and haunting – her unshaken faith to her man, her drawling voice – this delicate track is too simple and sombre for me to get completely into it. I always want to skip and get to my favourites.

In My Feelings

It’s great Lana has a bad-girl, bad-bitch, fuck-you pop track but this, like Coachella, feels unfinished. It has the vibe of work in progress, and the vocals are still messy (surely intentionally, though it doesn’t always come across that way) as well as trying slightly too hard. It doesn’t compare to Fucked My Way Up To The Top.

Beautiful People Beautiful Problems

The verses don’t match up to the choruses and I feel nothing – not empowered or emotional – when listening to this song, but it is a beautiful duet between Lana and Stevie. Their voices really are divine together and though I don’t listen to this song much, the demos are even better.

Change

Mostly because it freaks me out, this is a song I don’t often listen to. With a basic structure yet long, meandering lyrics, Lana broods over the state of America at the time, which can make for depressive listening. Though it’s a pretty enough song, it’s seriousness is too much to bear sometimes.

Blue Velvet

Sometimes too slow, Blue Velvet doesn’t inspire multiple listens in me, but it is a gorgeous cover and absolutely a showcase of Lana’s vocals.

Diet Mountain Dew

A cheeky little track that won many over, it still is hard for me to fully get into it. However, it ages like fine wine and is a wonderful step into the Lizzy Grant unreleased tracks (especially with the many, sometimes even better demos).  

Burning Desire

It’s a messy song, with Lana’s vocals shaky and the instrumental not quite up to scratch, but this song is certainly a guilty pleasure and great for getting into the sexy mood. The car metaphors are a bit much, especially considering it’s for a car advert, but if you get past that it’s a song to add to your freaky playlist.

Money Power Glory

As powerful and dark as this song is, with incredible instrumentals and Lana at her most dynamic, I barely remember the lyrics of the verses, instead waiting for the rich choruses.

Swan Song

A gentle track that has a lot of untapped power behind it, this is a quiet stormer of a song that has a lot of heart and grace. It may be a filler track, but it is definitely better than some.

Bartender

Even more gentle is the confessional, piano-led Bartender, which is a sweet little love song stripped back much like Lana’s simple romance where she sneaks out to see her lover. The main (and probably ridiculous) thing that keeps me from falling in love with this song more – though I’m already pretty amazed by it – is the very quiet sound of feedback that comes and goes, a fuzzy noise that is very subtle but distracting enough for me.

The Next Best American Record

This song would be higher if it was Architecture – the gorgeous, well-thought stunner that wowed us all when it was leaked. The lyrics are less fractured relationship and more wishy washy, wiping away the gritty sadness that made Architecture so beloved (at least to me). Now it’s been made ‘happier’, it’s hard to tell what the song is – is Lana happy with her lover or is she sad like in the unreleased version? Is this a break up song or a celebration of the romance? What does it mean now that it is both of them that are obsessed with writing? It’s something for me to certainly explore more, but it is paled in comparison to the original.

When The World Was At War

This track grew on me, with the hidden lyrics, fun vocals and hopeful message. Lana knows how to make a song that lifts your mood and this is certainly one of them.

Guns and Roses

I used to despise this song – finding it boring and dull. However, after giving it a listen years later, it is in fact a beautiful song with a gritty feel that is perfect for Ultraviolence. It fits in perfectly with the album and the extended tracks, and though it isn’t the strongest lyrically, the vocals and dreamy feel is thrilling.

Lolita

I choose to listen to this song without the underage character – or romantic connotations of her – in mind, instead seeing this song as a grown woman trying to charm an older man. However, as I have grown older – and read (and loved) the book several times more – I feel more inclined to distance myself from this song. It’s a fun, perky pop track but it definitely feels dated.

Dance Till We Die

Lana sings of her connection to other famous female singers and her daughter’s chosen name, making this a very personal pop song that also reminds of When The World Was At War for its hopeful and ultimately positive edge. It is a little slow but incredible touching, and the bridge is so kickass you can’t help but dance along.

Not All Who Wander Are Lost

This is a very sweet little song that again showcases the more positive side of Lana’s music, rather than the heartbroken and distressed women she tends to play. Though it is a filler song it’s a very pretty one and so catchy.

Wild At Heart

Wild At Heart is similar to Not All Who Wander Are Lost in that it’s a departure from a tragic femme fatale, instead a love song that also mimics Swan Song in that she considers leaving fame for her lover. What makes it even better is how Lana samples How To Disappear, a much sadder track, and twists it into something happy with this ultimately more upbeat album.

Radio

Like Diet Mountain Dew, Radio is another perky tune that is more than just a catchy filler. It’s a little bit sassy and has an edge to it (with the expletives and how her life is sweet not like sugar but cinnamon) that keeps it from being too frothy. Speaking of Lana’s newfound fame, it’s a nice break from the love ballads and tragedies peppered throughout Born To Die.

Without You

Shockingly dramatic, Without You is the ultimate symbol of Lana’s older music – a woman who could only feel happy unless her man was in her life. She has definitely moved on for the most part from wailing her demise at losing her lover but Without You is still glamorous, catchy and perfect to singalong to.

The Other Woman

This is one of Lana’s best covers – Nina Simone’s song about being the other woman and how it is in fact lonely and heart-breaking. Lana makes the song her own, her vocals stunning and lo-fi with instrumentals that are perfect for Ultraviolence.

How To Disappear

I feel that the live version of How To Disappear, where she sung it on stage before it was released with its real instrumental, is the superior version. It’s stripped back and tender enough to feel the emotion thoroughly, but the album version doesn’t disappoint. It’s one of many great tracks from (what I think is) her best album, and has a great story within it.

Fucked My Way Up To The Top

Lana’s satirical, sexy and stirring Fucked My Way Up To The Top was just tongue-in-cheek enough to keep from being too much of a cliché. Perhaps based on her real experiences but definitely a fuck-you to anyone who critiques her for owning her sexuality, it’s a little bit controversial but an incredible song.

Tomorrow Never Came

This song, which is a gorgeous duet with Sean Ono Lennon and a nice nod to 20th century music, subverts expectations that it is a sad song by in fact including a happy ending. I love how it can make you cry with both sadness and happiness, and tells a sweet story that paints pictures of parks and country houses.

Yosemite

The long-awaited Yosemite didn’t disappoint, and though it took a while to grow on me it became a classic and somehow familiar track. It’s impossible to not sing or dance to it and wouldn’t be out of place in Lust For Life.

Hope Is A Dangerous Thing

It’s quite slow – the Change/24/Old Money of Norman Fucking Rockwell – but it is clearly a personal and well-thought song that references Lana’s great inspiration Sylvia Plath. Lana’s deft at getting her thoughts out in song and I think though it’s not a song I often listen to, it is beautiful.

Honeymoon

The sweeping violins, dramatic vocals and the dangerous undercurrent makes Honeymoon crackle with electricity. It’s an amazing introduction to an album that once again has dangerous men, bad girls who get hurt but are strong again and amazing instrumentals. Though it’s not the best song from the album, it sets the tone perfectly.

Million Dollar Man

Like Without You, it’s another song of complete devastation, which Lana has grown from in her music. Million Dollar Man shows some great vocals and lyrics, and gets the emotion out perfectly whilst honouring the music that inspired her.

Old Money

The verses are pretty enough but they don’t catch my attention the way the choruses do. The slow, steady song took a long time for me to really appreciate but it’s impossible not to feel some kind of emotion when Lana lets her lover know she will be with them whenever they need her.

Sad Girl

Like The Other Woman, Sad Girl shows how being the other woman has it’s downfalls but appreciates the sexy, exciting side of it – how alluring her man is and how much of a bad bitch she may be. Once again, it’s a pure Ultraviolence song that shows Lana’s vocals and music in the best way whilst showcasing the classic caricature of the femme fatale.

Dark Paradise

Strangely upbeat for such a sad song, Dark Paradise is great to dance to but also something that makes you want to cry. Lana’s vocalisations and dramatic lyrics don’t quite compare to some of her other songs but Dark Paradise is iconic.

Summertime Sadness

The slow-burn, emotional gut punch that is Summertime Sadness is always a classic and one of Lana’s best. Though it is far from my personal favourite it is absolutely an outstanding song and the perfect example of Lana’s most well-made and well-delivered songs.

Gods and Monsters

The strained Gods and Monsters is a great tale about the evil side of fame, which Lana never quite delves too deeply into but gives a metaphorical and mildly personal nod to. Gods and Monsters is one of those songs that has you singing along and feeling strong.

Carmen

Carmen is a beautiful, sad story that feels rich and luxurious despite its harrowing lyrics of an alcoholic star. The French bridge adds to the decadence and it feels like a dirty alcohol bottle wrapped in silk, from the tentative verses to the unnerving chorus.

Born To Die

One of Lana’s original pop chart tracks, this is a song that never grows old. It’s one of the blueprints of the Lana Del Rey era and deftly shows her vocals whilst setting the tone for the pessimistic, romantic star in the early 2010s.

Salvatore

Opening with laughing – or crying – Salvatore has an eerie feel to it, though it is completely erotic in feel (enough to ignore some of the simpler lyrics). It is a song that feels dreamy, much like the rest of Honeymoon, but passionate and reminding of some of her older music (from the vocals in the bridge that have a Lolita/Fucked My Way Up To The Top feel to them to the continued trope of bad boys and glamour).

Flipside

Dirty, gritty and quite contained, Flipside is a song that I wished had more attention. It’s not her most imaginative song but there’s something about it, from the gloomy guitars to the hushed vocals, that have me wanting to sing it over and over. It also is one of her great fuck-off songs, as sympathetic as it is resilient.

Doin’ Time

Lana really turns this song into her own with the summery instrumentals and the pop edge she is so good at. It’s surprisingly one of her best covers and a fresh-feeling track that isn’t bogged down by emotion or maudlin music.

Lust For Life

Breathless and oh-so-romantic, Lust For Life is one of those songs that was perfect for the charts, and a key piece in Lana’s turn into becoming more positive. However, as fun and lovely as this song is, the demos are a whole other ball game. A little more ethereal, they fit Lana much more perfectly and it’s sad she dismissed the witchy feel for a song that is brilliant but generic.

Love

One of Lana’s warmest and most refreshing songs, she looks at love with fondness and dedicates this track to her ‘kids’. She knows her fans well and to make a song that references them (much like Happiness Is A Butterfly’s nod to her ‘babies’) makes this song all the more pleasant.

The Greatest

Lana’s vocals are put to good use in this intimately-written song. She speaks her mind in her reminiscence of the past and the worries for the future, all with a storming chorus that is certainly one of her best.

Love Song

Tender and almost tentative, Love Song is one of those tracks that is romantic through-and-through. It’s stripped back enough to feel like it really is a private song for only her lover’s ears, just as confessional as Cinnamon Girl and Bartender.

White Mustang

Short but sweet, this song has all the makings of a Lana Del Rey song, harking back to the Born To Die days with her imagery and fallen love affair, but it is spiky enough to be part of her later music where she starts giving less shits. The whistling and race cars are a nice touch, displaying her play on words snugly.

Dark But Just A Game

Sort of jazzy, Dark But Just A Game is ever-shifting and never quite settles on a particular sound. It’s cohesive, however, and clearly states what Lana is thinking in a way that works with the rest of Chemtrails. It’s pretty sexy as well, which doesn’t hurt the enjoyability factor.

High By The Beach

The wooziness, the carelessness and the growth from a woman begging to be put in a movie to a woman who is able to do as she pleases. Lana stumbles and swears through the song but knows exactly what she wants – and it isn’t disappointing men or stalking paparazzi.

Let Me Love You Like A Woman

Some may think it much slower and more boring than a lot of her tracks, but I think it’s a tidy, sweet track. Lana plainly states her love, urges her man to run away with her and lets her emotions (and voice) do the talking.

Summer Bummer

Lana is as restless as a hot summer in this song and it works. Her brisk-paced yet soft-voiced lyrics and gorgeous imagery gets my pulse racing, and ASAP Rocky’s verse works well for it. Though it would have been interesting to get a full, solo Summer Bummer, Rocky adds an edge to this song and compliments his ‘lover’ well.

Groupie Love

Much more flowery and wide-eyed, Groupie Love is like a contradiction. Lana’s passionate dalliance with Rocky’s god-like star opposes the relationship in Summer Bummer (uncertain) but both are just as secret. Groupie Love has the edge of being ultra-dreamy and demonstrating pure love – and lust – without the messiness.

American

It’s a filler track that has potential for much more. It’s an adorable song, almost cautious in its lead-up to the satisfying chorus, and is filled with Lana tropes galore. Following Lana’s stressed Ride and coming before the darkly sensual Cola, American is a breath of fresh air.

National Anthem

What an anthem it is. It’s simply provocative and one of her most classic tracks. Mixing love, money and fame together with a bit of sex thrown in, National Anthem is precisely what Lana’s America seems to be.

Is This Happiness?

It’s muted, mournful and resentful, questioning a relationship that Lana wants to keep but at the same time doesn’t. This is one of Lana’s best sad songs, tearful as it is still adoring beneath the exasperation.

Art Deco

Art Deco is purely dreamy, a song to bathe in. The lyrics are a little bit simple but Lana’s vocals and the flowing, aquatic music is the perfect hook.

Terrence Loves You

Lana’s jazzy song is delicate, letting only her voice and the saxophone dominate. With references to David Bowie, Lana pines for someone who hurt her badly, but she soothes herself with music the way plenty of her fans do when listening to her records.

White Dress

The vocals were a surprise at first – high, strained whispers – but they definitely grew on me. Painting a picture of young Lana loving life and dreaming of bigger things, it’s nostalgic in lyrics but also reminds of some of Lana’s old work – her unreleased tracks where she would serve coke and fries.

Chemtrails

It gets better as it goes on, growing and twisting from a song to sunbathe to into a restless, darkening track. It has the best vibe for an idealised world with something a bit off, and the imagery of pools, jewels and schools grounds Lana into a (very, very rich) normality rather than the glamorous star she always liked to portray.

13 Beaches

Opening with a quote from Carnival of Souls, Lana takes High By The Beach to the next level. She goes from sticking her middle finger up to the paparazzi to simply wishing she would be allowed to live her life without them hounding her. It’s a matured approach that uses sound interestingly, with beeps and whines adding a strange texture to the song.

Cola

The controversial line was intended as humour, but strangely it works. Even if Cola is satire like Fucked My Way Up To The Top, Lana owns the ‘other woman’, the patriotic singer, the sexy and unashamed woman who says what she thinks without caring of the consequences. It’s an iconic song, even if you have to turn the volume down to not offend.

Black Beauty

The unreleased version is ten times more emotive, with its stripped back and lonesome feel, but the album version is just as good. The ultimately loving but unhappy lyrics are full of stunning imagery, and this is a song that would have been perfect with a music video.

Body Electric

Blasphemous as much as it honours icons, Lana sinfully owns Body Electric. The bridge is a bit out of place but Lana’s eyebrow-raising approach to religion and sexuality is genius.

Off To The Races

The best demonstration of Lana’s vocals, Lana plays the glam girl without a care just as well as the Lolita-type, needy lover in this ode to money and her man. The soaring bridge is stunning, and the swirling violins add an air of Hollywood to it.

Bel Air

Completely overlooked (in my opinion), Bel Air is an apologetic song of redemption, a shining and honest track that is as touching as much as it is hazy and tranquil. With soft piano and the sound of children opening and closing the song respectively, it’s set apart from Paradise with a pureness that Lana pulls off well.

Ultraviolence

Controversial at the time and still controversial now, Ultraviolence is about being weak, about giving in to love no matter how toxic. I don’t entirely support the lyrics but it’s a stunning song, lo-fi enough to feel uneasy and haunting. When you shut off from the lyrics, you get a simply beautiful track.

Pretty When You Cry

Lana’s imperfect, close-to-tears vocals are wonderful in this song, and she really lets her emotion shine through. The pained guitar and Lana’s increasingly distressed singing are enough to get you feeling exactly as she does.

Florida Kilos

Fun. Fresh. Freeing. Lana’s ode to drugs is simply something to dance to and sing, and she somehow manages to get the sunny feeling across even with the Ulraviolence-esque grunginess. It’s one of my favourite songs of Lana’s because it’s just so happy, which is a nice departure from some of her heavier tracks.

Cherry

Many people’s favourite – Cherry. It was my favourite of Lana’s for a long time, dripping with sex appeal and sadness but with a cute dance to compliment it. It had all the right stuff wrapped up in a tidy, compact box and the imagery is lush. I still love this song but since then we’ve had the ‘Cherries’ of her next few albums, Cinnamon Girl and Tulsa Jesus Freak. Like these, Cherry was a song that seemed set apart from the rest of the album and was a novel take on her typical music.

California

Simply for It's meaningful, raw lyrics – promising to be there as soon as he wants her, much like in Old Money – California is a sun-soaked dream with a very honest approach. Lana isn’t completely devastated, or begging for her lover to return. She is sad but realistic, and only wants the best for him. It’s beautiful and sad with a crazily addictive chorus.

West Coast

The shift from fast-paced, grungey, whispered verses to sprawling, drawling choruses – complete with weirdly sexy beeps towards the end of the song – shook us all, and it’s one of Lana’s most interesting songs. Lana honours the West Coast but also her man, in love with the music scene as much as she is with him.

Shades of Cool

The snide verses. The gradually growing music. The guitars. The explosive chorus. The nuclear bridge. The absolutely perfect timing and pacing. Shades of Cool is flawless, another Sad Girl but with much more power, emotion and music.

The Blackest Day

The Blackest Day needs more attention. Cold in places, almost lost, but then wounded in the chorus, The Blackest Day rolls with the emotions and is the kind of song that makes you want to fall apart and sob. Which is good, in a way, as it shows how brilliantly Lana conveys emotion.

Freak

Cult-like and haunting, this is the sexy predecessor of California. Lana swoons and tempts in this track, from her harmonising to her pouting “take it to the back if you really wanna talk” - not to mention the rest of the song in its entirely, all elements married together to create the perfect seductive track.

Music To Watch Boys To

Like Art Deco, Music To Watch Boys To is fairly aquatic and dreamy. Like Freak, it has that cult vibe (the chanting of the bridge). However, this song is perfectly its own, from the mix-up of vocal styles to the shifting tone (sad to smug to obsessively in love).

Norman Fucking Rockwell

What an opener. Norman Fucking Rockwell lets the actual singing and lyrics do the talking, the instrumentals pushed back enough to let Lana’s gut-punching first line (“God damn, man child, you fucked me so good that I almost said I love you”) and her blue yet annoyed insults to her Norman Rockwell do the talking.

Mariner’s Apartment Complex

It’s a song for yourself and for the people you love. Lana is strong enough to take care of herself, to be her own guidance – and to take on her lover’s problems too. It’s an empowering song, so distant from a lot of her discography, and I adore the nautical references and the hopeful message.

Brooklyn Baby

Satire again, but it still works. Lana plays a (fairly cringey) and somewhat self-absorbed, over-confident singer who is too cool for her own boyfriend, but she does it well. From saying how she wished people didn’t judge her, to the freedom the seventies gives her, to the warm guitars and upbeat tone, to the backup vocals of Seth Kaufman, Brooklyn Baby is a song to remember for all the right reasons.

Ride

Ride is one of Lana’s best, if not the best. With her devotion to America and her open thoughts about needing other people to make her feel good and happy, Lana knocks it out of the park with the superb step up from Born To Die.

Video Games

Video Games is just beautiful, plain and simple. Lana’s low voice, telling a flowing story of the simplicities of true love, are removed from her ‘famous singer’ image she constantly tried to portray and instead open up to the heart of what she has always sung about: love and its many forms, good or bad.

Get Free

The new take on Ride was a pleasant surprise. From changing the lyrics to show she wants to move on and be happy to (silently) name-dropping her influences, Lana’s manifesto was a personal song that we could all resonate with. The outro of the beach was the perfect closer to Lust For Life, and Get Free summarised the album which took her from sad girl to someone who could let herself move on.

Heroin

Heroin is no doubt one of her best. It’s tense and dark, referencing Manson and (allegedly) a friend she lost years ago. Lana lets herself dive into her worst thoughts headfirst, not so much dreamy as it is nightmarish, but still comes out the other side dreaming of marzipan and ready to move on.

Tulsa Jesus Freak

The third of the ‘Cherries’, Tulsa Jesus Freak goes straight to a happy place. Where Cherry was angry and Cinnamon Girl was cautious, this track dives into being comfortable with her man. It was just as passionate as the other two songs but about religion, sex and self-satisfaction.

Blue Jeans

Plucking guitars, crying violins and Lana weaving a tale about a gangsta who left her, without explanation, and the hurt that follows. Similarly tied to Dark Paradise, Blue Jeans is the next level of that, her tough-girl spoken verses dismissed as the choruses open up and she pours her heart out.

Cruel World

Lana is on top-form on this song, furious, maddened, sad, taunting – she hits every emotion with style. Lana grows more and more unstable as the song goes on, invoking images of a woman scorned and no longer taking that shit, but she still has a fragility about her as she comes undone that is tied directly to her Ultraviolence era.

Happiness Is A Butterfly

This song goes through many stages. She is unsure, not knowing how her lover feels. She is optimistic, elated as she tries to capture the butterfly. She is dismissive, no longer caring if she might get hurt – she loves too much. She is pissed off, sick of being treated badly. She gives in, simply wanting to dance and just be happy. The flow of this song is constant, a little messy, but it has the beautiful message pinned to it: to keep trying to be happy and do what you love.

Fuck It I Love You

I love the music video version more than the album version, the latter being more stripped back. Fuck It I Love You just gives in to emotion, acknowledging Lana is hurt, her lover is hurt, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him. She simply lets that feeling take over.

Cinnamon Girl

Cinnamon Girl touched me like no other Lana song has. Where Cherry was a mixture of emotions, good and bad, angry and loving, devastated and thrilled, Cinnamon Girl was about cautious optimism. Lana urges her lover to give in, and she knows – smiling as she sings it – she wins.

Venice Bitch

Venice Bitch just has that soothing, unhindered feel to it – and not just from the nine minutes of pure music and vibe. Lana dedicates this song to the kind of love that is just wholesome and homely, all whilst touching on her insanity, her ever-lasting love for America and the modern world (her live streams). It feels nostalgic yet contemporary, and adding the “fucks” and “bitch[es]” helps keep this song from being to sugary sweet but instead what it is – an honest love song rooted in the idealised and the realistic.

[thoughtfulpaperback]

In the Heights (2021 Film) Review.

Okay after four watches. And I truly mean four seperate watches. I am ready to talk about this film and address some of the controversy.

I'd like to hit the biggest criticisms out of the way before going into just my general thoughts.

1. "There are no black people in the film"

False. First addressing the main cast and main supporting characters with substantial screen time (they get names and feature heavily in two or more of the main characters storylines) there are three black actors portraying African American or afro latino characters. Obviously this is disproportionate and of all those main and supporting characters the two with the biggest storylines are light skinned or have "traditionally euro centric thought of" physical features such as light green or hazel eyes.

So this hardly is grand representation for black or even "indigenous" (usually meaning dark skinned but not black) looking peoples. But it is more than we've traditionally seen in films about latinos they skew more towards Antonio Banderas looking (he's not latino just fyi).

I think where the film actually does well in its inclusion of black people is in the background scenes/dance numbers. I tried and you cannot count the number of black background characters in the first half of the film.

The second half of the film is arguably less inclusive. That is to say that as the film progressed there was notably less black background characters/dancers. Most notably during a dance sequence in a Merengue club. I could actually count the number of black people in the scene (three black men). But if I am honest the movie/plot itself falls apart towards the end with the inclusiveity it tried to have.

I also am going to mention this as both a pro and con for the film, I loved that we had black women who were deep dark. Like Amara la Negra dark, what I dont like and I think it needs to be said is that like most film there are more dark complexed men than women and there is a disproportionate amount of lighter skinned black women than both dark skinned black men and women.

The film (at least in its first have) does try to showcase diversity in the heights and amoung latinos, but it by no means is free from the same issues of colorism and favoring lighter skin tones black or non black, because the film was also devoid of more indigenous looking peoples. And I will admit my view of indigenous peoples is skewed by my knowledge of indigenous mexican communities i know nothing of the islanders or South American indigenous communities. But i didn't see much of that in the film from what I could tell.

So overall is this film anti-black

... I dont know if I can make that call, but I would think no because it does try to include that history in film and does try to be inclusive with its casting and dance numbers, but it for sure does not escape colorism and by no means is the best form or representation of afrolatinos and arguably more indigenous Groups.

It is for sure disproportionately light skinned in the second half and again unlike the first half you can count the number of black people in the background or in dance numbers.

2. It's a completely different story from the Broadway show.

.....not false, but not 100% true. In fact I think this is why it falls apart a bit. The film keeps a number of the songs from the original Broadway show with minimal changes. It works for some songs such as no me digas, Benny's dispatch, in the heights, carnaval del Barrio, 96,000, and breathe. But it makes others such as "when the sun goes down" seem out of place.

It also, imo, minimizes the role and impact of Abuelas character. That isn't to say that the character isn't still a big part of the story they fit her in differently than in the show, but it is so minimized that when we finally get her big number (and only number in the film) "Pacencia y Fe" it is a bit out of place

It is still the most heartfelt number (and made me cry each time I've seen it) and most relatable to my families experience so I loved it but being honest it is a bit out of place with little build up to it except a scene which is in the trailers where abuela talks about her mother.

Okay so with those things out of the way I want to talk general and key thoughts.

1st: style of the film and disjointment

I personally am still unsure about the style of the film. It sort of blends campy and unrealistic with the real. So you get numbers in people's head where fabric falls from the sky, self-moving wig heads, dancing on the sides of building in gravity defying fred astaire ways, and animated gestures and moments. I think its cool for the kids, but was a bit of a choice in my opinion. I didn't hate it, but almost every time something cooky happened I was just a bit unprepared for it and I dont think that'd how the audience should feel.

In fact the whole film felt disjointed because one moment you had these grand dance numbers with lots of people and minimal effects but great use of camera work like 96 000, but then you'd have scene in a very small space that felt more "Jersey Boys" film/camera work like Benny's Dispatch.

The worst camera work in my opinion was during When the sun goes down. While the idea of dancing on the side of a building was initially cool I kept wishing the camera would have moved differently at many points. Fred astaire's dancing on the walls is still the best filmed gravity defying dance sequence in my mind.

2nd: reducing the drama for Nina and Benny.

Okay so whether its colorism or just time considerations. I didn't like how the changed around Benny and Nina's relationship and build up in the film. In fact my favorite moment for the two (and my favorite songs of the play) from the original show happen in Blackout and then Sunrise. The moment in black out was given to Usnavi and Vanessa and sunrise is not in the film.

I think the shift in the role Benny plays in the business (Rosario's Cab Company) is more complex and better in my opinion and I do love that was added in the blackout scene rather than just doing away with seeing anything of that character with the removal of relationship drama.

3rd: LGBTQ+ representation. I won't claim that there is a bunch but having Daniela and Carla as a couple was pretty cool.

4th. Representation of Latinos

Flawed as it is, I think what in the heights gets right is the telling of complex stories of latinos that don't revolve around violence and crime. I love the look at latinos as business owners and as members of vibrant communities. From my own experience, latinos in film are or tv are not usually seen as such and when you do get look at a latino business owner it is a scene where they are being interviewed by the cops, or the neighborhood is shown as being run down.

Even the usually heavily used storyline of undocumented latinos was done in an interesting way in the film.

I haven't connected so much to a film before and I cried multiple times at the feeling of relating to certain characters and feelings.

I would recommend it to others, but I would also be clear that stylistically it is a choice. I think it probably works better for someone who hasn't seen or doesn't know of the original show. The friends i have taken enjoyed it and my siblings also loved it.

[yv-sketches]

Why I did not like Never and Forever’s ending

I was the first person on tumblr to get it and I’m afraid I’ve scared multiple people by saying something happens at the end. I’m very sorry for that, so I’ll do my best to explain why.

First off, I don’t dislike this book, and I didn’t write this to convince people to dislike its ending. In fact, I’m incredibly happy for every singe person who liked the ending better than I did.

Secondly, I know it is me. I am too old for this. I really ought to quit drawing characters from a middle grade book and do more important things with my life.

MAJOR SPOILERS UNDER THE READ MORE. Please do not click here if you haven’t read the book. I mean it, don’t click.

In my last year of high school (yes I am that old, I feel old too), I followed program for people who might want to study English at university. There was a fancy professor with fancy books and everything. The subject was Arthurian legend, and almost all of the the medieval stories were incredibly depressing and/or disturbing, so I’m stuck with a lot of cursed knowledge about king Arthur I would rather forget.

There is no historical Arthur, or a definitive version of the myths including him. If anything it’s more like a bunch of fanfics about original characters that got lost over time. BBC had their interpretation, Guillermo Del Toro has his, Disney has theirs and now Cressida wrote one.

Unless you know that medieval depressing stuff, which the target audience probably doesn’t, twoo’s ending is actually pretty sweet. The witches are gone, the fules kissed and no one is confirmed dead. Not even Sychorax’s suitors.

~

My problem is not with the reveal itself, but the way it was done.

Httyd 1 started with the prologue that foreshadowed the ending that would follow 12 books later. The first httyd book is riddled with clues and messages that connect to the final story. The two dragons biting each others tail on Stoick’s shield, the injury on Toothless’s chest. Small things that have a major impact once you know what they mean.

Twoo does not have anything like that. In the first three books, there were no hints, no clues, no red herrings to conceal the twist at the end. Not once was there a joke about ‘Once and Future Magic’, or a mention of the city Camelot.

(The warrior capital could have been called Camelot in a random sentence no one would pay attention to, or Xar could joke about how the person of destiny was the once and future monarch of the entire Wildwoods.) All I found was a magic sword and a bird named Caliburn. Caliburn was already a character, so I did not expect the sword to be Excalibur/Caliburn too.

When Wish put the sword in the stone, I did expect a link to the Arthurian myths. A promise that the sword would get out of the stone once there was a peaceful kingdom of Wizards and Warriors together maybe? Like httyd, it would be a hopeful ending that one day there would be a king/queen to rule over a kingdom without slaves mining iron or droods with scary prisons. I did not expect the characters themselves to end up in the Arthurian myths.

~

The Arthurian ending would make some great character arcs if they’d been written in from the start. Xar never gets magic, but he becomes a wise king, with a round table with werewolves and hobs as equals. It’d be a perfect ending for him. Morgana used to be a benevolent magician watching over Arthur, and that sounds exactly like Wish. Yes, she is the person of destiny, but she stays Arthurs magic protector and best friend. Also perfect.

Bodkin gets over his fainting thing and becomes a honourable knight? Hmm... He spent three books disliking violence and wanting to be a storyteller. He might have overcome his fear and beat the Nuckalavee, but being good at something does not equal liking it. There’s also the ableist implication that you have to get over a condition to be a worthy hero, and that doesn’t feel right at all. However, he is the epitome of chivalry, and he’s a Fishlegs-like hopeless romantic whose crush might unintentionally start a war.

This all makes sense, and it would have been an amazing conclusion. I think I would have loved the ending if there were pages in book 1-3 showing that Cressida’s Camelot was far less creepy. The tales of arcadia and BBC versions each have a kid friendly version for their story. If the series was set in an entirely different Camelot, one Cressida specifically created for her story, it would be amazing to see Xar become a great king and Wish the most powerful Wizard. Instead, Camelot did not seem to exist until halfway into book 4, so the only Camelot I thought of was of the disturbing medieval variety.

~

The last pages just leave us with the names. This was an original world with original characters, no reason to assume they would grow up to be Arthur, Morgana and Lancelot until the last 15 pages. Then the entire series ends.

The httyd characters got an ending that leaves them right where they are. Three children on their way to a brighter future, happy to be alive and happy to be together, and perhaps dragons will return when the world is a better place.

From How to Fight a Dragon’s Fury:

So that is where we will leave them, Hiccup and his friends: forever young, forever hopeful, singing their hearts out on the island of Tomorrow. BECAUSE... If it doesn’t end well, then it isn’t THE END

This is not possible with the twoo trio. Cressida told me exactly which adults they will grow up to be, and with all the terrible things that medieval people wrote about their characters, I also know there is no reason to be hopeful. I feel bad closing the book if that is how their lives will continue.

It does NOT end well, and it IS the end.

These characters deserved better than the fates assigned to them in the last few pages.

[aboutnorsemythology]

“Höðr and Baldr” And two sides of the same story.

There are two widely divergent versions of this story.

Prose Edda by Snorri Sturluson

The most familiar of the two comes from the Prose Edda of the medieval Icelandic  Snorri Sturluson. As Snorri says, the god Baldr, who here is presented as a charming, loved and innocent sufferer, had dreams that predicted his imminent death.

His mother, Frigg, turned around and got oaths from around the world that they would not harm her son. The only thing he omitted was the mistletoe, since he thought it was too small and harmless to have a real consequence in this matter. When the clever cheater Loki discovered this neglect, he made a spear of mistletoe.

While all the gods had fun throwing all the projectiles available to Baldr and laughing while things bounced on their uninjured companion, Loki approached Hodr, here portrayed as blind and quite gullible, with the spear of mistletoe. He convinced Hodr to throw the spear to Baldr to contribute to the game and honor the strength of his brother. (Hodr and Baldr were children of Odin.) With Loki guiding his hand, Hodr threw the spear towards Baldr. The weapon went through him and, to the surprise and horror of everyone present, he fell dead on the spot.

Later, Hodr was killed by the avenger of Baldr, Vali, who seems to have been conceived specifically for this purpose and whose origin is also controversial (I'll talk about this in another post)

“Gesta Danorum”"The Danish history" by the medieval Danish historian Saxo Grammaticus.

Here, Hodr is far from the passive pawn that Snorri makes him see. Hodr de Saxo (latinized as "Hotherus") is a character whose personality and actions best match his name, means "warrior".

Hodr and Baldr were two great war leaders who organized their armies against each other because of a dispute over the hand of the beautiful maid Nanna. Baldr was nourishing himself with a special spiritual food that gives him invincibility, and Hodr knew he could not beat Baldr by normal means. Then Hodr undertook a long and dangerous journey to the underworld.

There, he obtained a weapon that had been charged with magical powers that would allow him to overcome the magical force induced by Baldr. (It is likely that at this point Loki was able to inform Hodr about how to kill Baldr, because he was angry about Odin's actions, but this does not make him Baldr's killer) Soon after, Hodr wounded Baldr in combat, and Baldr died of his wounds a few days later. However, Hodr was killed by the avenger of Baldr, who is called "Bous".

These two stories are similar enough that they should point to the same basic story. However, they also differ in several definitive aspects, one of which is the character of Hodr.

In the first, Loki is the evil one who has the express intention of murdering a poor defenseless child (Bladr was not such a child and if we read in the same Edda when the gods torture and mock Fenrir Wolf, Baldr laughs cruelly for see him). Fenrir suffers) In the second Loki is not mentioned, not because he was not present in the story but because he was not the real murderer of Baldr.

Imagine for a moment that the version of Snorri's story was the only one that survived to this day. This is, in fact, the case of many of the stories told by Snorri. His version of Baldr's death is clearly far from the complete picture, and his story can not be taken literally.

Of course, the same must be said of Saxo's version. Saxo and Snorri had superimposed but divergent objectives, and whatever their own additions to the story, and whatever the motives behind their additions, they might have been drawn from different versions of the story in the first place.

 Regardless of the reasons behind the differences between the two narrations, however, it is clear that we have two versions as different in spirit as in the details, and that none of them gives anything like the complete picture.

 This example should serve to prevent us from taking the primary sources too literally, as if they were outright stories of how the pagans of northern Europe saw the world, or how they heard stories told by someone who was clearly on one side in this story . They point to the old world view of northern Europe, yes, but that worldview is often visible only in an opaque way and hidden beneath layers of later creations.

The sources are the starting points for our knowledge of the pre-Christian Germanic world, but they are not the final points. A "stick to sources" approach will only lead us astray and allow us to be tricked by Snorri and others, just as Hodr de Snorri was too confident by Loki. To fill in the gaps, to restore much of what has been lost, we need an approach that is both more critical and intuitive at the same time. We must identify the elements that are common to multiple sources, unite them to form a more integral framework.

Here are the two versions, you decide which of them you want to believe.

Sources: https://mitologia.top/dioses-nordicos-y-criaturas/dioses-y-diosas-del-aesir/hodr/

https://www.bookdepository.com/Saxo-Grammaticus-I-History-Danes-I-Books-I-IX-Saxo-Grammaticus/9780859915021

https://www.britannica.com/biography/Saxo-Grammaticus

[inuitakumi]

i uhhh decided to make a profile for cheng’mei as im updated/rewriting his lore, i don’t expect anyone to actually read this but you’re welcome to lmao

Full Name: C’hengmei Tia/Hengmei’a Xue

“Alias”: Cheng’mei Xue

Full Name Meaning: His parents were a Seeker (father) and Keeper (mother) Neither seemed to fully agree on what his name was, and though while his parents were in the same room he seemed to be ‘C’hengmei’ his mother exclusively referred to his name as ‘Hengmei’a’ when his father wasn’t present (which was often). As a result, he was never quite sure what his name actually was

Alias Meaning: After the Calamity hit and Cheng’mei was left alone, he began traveling with an Elezen who had nursed him back to health, in that time he decided to permanently use his mother’s surname Xue, his first name changing entirely coming about as an accident as his name had been misspelled somewhere as they were making passage to Thanalan. Since it showed no real association with either tribe and was entirely it’s own, he chose to keep it like that.

Nicknames: Cheng, Mei, Warrior of Light/Darkness etc

Pet Name: Occasionally called MeiMei if someone is feeling particularly affectionate

Handwriting/Signature: incredibly messy, as he was mostly ignored during his childhood he never really got much of a formal education.

Gender: Male

Age: 23, probably closer to 24/25 by the end of ShB but who knows how the fuck time works in this game

Birthday: 32nd Sun of the 5th Umbral Moon (Oct 31st) year 1554 of the Sixth Astral Era

Birthplace: Limsa Lominsa

Immediate Family: Father, C’yahng, Mother, Hengmei’a Xue, and younger sister Ahqing Xue. Their current whereabouts are unknown

Distant Family: Presumably has family in a small Xue tribe in the Black Shroud and family in the C tribe. Though his parents are now separated he assumes that if they survived he likely has other half siblings roaming around somewhere.

Upbringing:

Infancy [0-2]: ah what a good time to exist. Too young to realize that his parents definitely should not be in a relationship with each other.

Childhood [3-9]: From about 3-5 he still felt the warmth and affection of staying by his mother’s side. Despite having trouble responding when called due to not fully comprehending what his name was, he felt happy and loved at this point and was excited when his father would come home from his ‘merchant’ trips (cough piracy cough) and play with him. Though there were other Miqo’te children his age from the tribe his father came from who were nearby, they never seemed to want to play with him partially from his being different as he looked like a keeper, and because his father was splintered away from the tribe for coupling with someone despite being a tia, and with a keeper. Either way, at that age his mother rarely left the house, and as a result he rarely left too, thus resulting in no friends even from the local non-miqo children in Limsa.

From 5 onward his mother became more and more distant from him, insisting more and more often for him to leave the house on his own which was an incredibly odd turnaround from before. Traditionally of course Keeper males wandered between groups and generally did not stay with their families. Though looking back, Cheng’mei also suspected there was resentment she held against him since he’s pretty sure that keepers don’t make their sons leave at THAT young of an age, and without any sort of male figure to keep an eye on them. This also created more tension between his parents, with his father thinking it ridiculous to let a small child run around on his own in Limsa Lominsa, especially when Cheng’mei almost got kidnapped on multiple occasions. 

At the age of 9, he now had a younger sister that his mother clearly paid much more attention to. Their parents also had no arguments over her name, and his father relented easily in letting his sister have a fully keeper name since he was never home anymore anyways. When his father randomly decided to take him on a trip with him on a “merchan” ship, he thought things were looking up. He ended up disappointed because even on the ship he was sat on a barrel and largely ignored by his father, with his only entertainment being from some Lalafell who took pity on the bored child and entertained him with stories from Ul’dah and Thanalan, which is where they hailed from. Upon returning home they were greeted with an empty house, with Cheng’mei’s mother having left with his little sister. He suspected his father knew this would happen, but he never got an explanation as to why.

Early Teens [10-17]: Now with only his father, Cheng’mei now spent even more time alone. Despite the fact that in his youth, Cheng’mei’s father would get mad when his mother left him alone or pushed him out of the house, he now did it even more often than she did. Again, he’d spend most of this part of his youth wandering Limsa, seeking out strangers to tell him stories or take pity on him and give him snacks. When he was 16, he picked up a job at a tavern, where he was able to witness more adventurers passing through with their own stories, and he continually remembered those Lalafell who talked to him about Ul’dah. He ventured out on his own on occasion, making it to Costa del Sol by tagging along with adventurers, but it resulted in the scars on his face when he was attacked unaware. 

Late Teens [18-23]: The Calamity hit when he was 18 years old, and he doesn’t actually remember what he was doing or where he even was at the time, he only remembered a blur, and waking up with an Elezen who had taken him in and nursed him back to health. They continued to travel together, helping out what little they could. During this time, he had even considered the possibility of going to Gridania to find his mother and sister. He ultimately decided against it, as not even his father knew where his mother’s family lived and hunted in the Black Shroud, since their meeting had been an off chance moment when she had entered Gridania. And even then, he wasn’t actually sure if any of his family were still alive or not.

Ul’dah [23]: Cheng’mei and the Elezen who helped him parted ways when arriving to Thanalan, now newly christened with his new name after a flub, Cheng’mei traveled to the thaumaturge’s guild to begin some of his first proper training in being an adventurer. It was there in his fledgling adventuring time that he met Thancred and the Scions for the first time, and began his ascent into the role of the Warrior of Light. Despite being able to defeat Lahabrea and destroying the Ultima Weapon, he never felt comfortable in his role as a Black Mage. Despite all the anxiety and reservations that he held whenever he was in Gridania with fear that he may run into his mother and sister and general discomfort with not fitting in with any traditional miqo’te structure (the only miqo’te he was close to at the time being Nashu, who was quite untraditional), he tried his hand at archery and felt at home with a bow and arrow, and even befriended Leih Aliapoh, relating to her confusing feelings about family.

Despite having spent the least amount of time in Ul’dah versus Limsa Lominsa, he considers that he truly came into his own the most during his time there, and even works with the Immortal Flames to this day, as such to most people he’s considered to be from Ul’dah.

Evolution (How has your character changed since they were younger?): as a child he never really formed bonds with anyone because he had the assumption that they’d ultimately ignore him like his parents would. Instead he got his entertainment from stories and fleeting entertainment he got from others never getting very close with them. As he got older he slowly started growing more attached to people like the Elezen who helped him and came to the issue of growing immediately heavily attached to people who would show him slight affection. In the Scions, he often followed Thancred like a swooning maiden just because of some light jokes Thancred would make about following him around. Perhaps because he didn’t enjoy a normal childhood, he definitely acted a bit more childish and rough than someone should at his age. He irritated Urianger at first, for seemingly not taking any of his written out notes or information seriously, until Urianger finally confronted him about not reading anything and Cheng’mei had to tearfully admit he could barely read anything and felt some insecurity for not feeling as intelligent as the other highly educated Scions and just being more of a pawn who was directed in their every action. They became closer as Urianger, along with Y’shtola, helped teach him showing him that despite lacking formal education, he was actually quite perceptive. (Y’shtola earned the nickname of Auntie Shtola as a result of her patience with him) Despite his supposed crush on Thancred, it was actually Haurchefant where he first started experiencing something akin to actual love, and the resulting heartbreak and pain from his death changed Cheng’mei drastically. He’s constantly horrified thinking that it could have been another fleeting attachment from someone who gave him affection or if it ever could have been something else. Though still jokey and sassy, you could see the experiences of battles begin weighing him down as his rough childish edges began wearing down. He started focusing more on his relations with others, and even started considering Alphinaud and Alisae like the siblings he never got to have after not even getting to begin a relationship with his own sister. He even felt quite a bit of anger with how Thancred treated Ryne at first, looking back to his own neglecting parents. 

Species: Miqo’te

Ethnicity: Mixed Keeper of the Moon and Seeker of the Sun, appearance is solely Keeper of the Moon

Facial Type: Round

Eye Color: Left eye light blue, right eye two shades darker

Hair Color: Black, with white streaks

Hairstyle: Tends to stray on the long side

Skintone: Very pale

Complexion: Clear, though very often a bit sunburnt

Makeup: Using a rather elaborate red warpaint design on his face to draw attention away from his scars (and sunburn)

Body Type: Ectomorph

Build: Lean and small for speed, very in tune with the average build of a hunter miqo’te, which is probably why he felt such a strong connection with archery when he tried it.

Height: 5′2″ (157cm)

Weight: 53kg/116 pounds

Facial Hair: none

Birthmarks/Scars/Tattoos: He has a scar over an eye and a smaller one on his cheek from being caught unaware while tagging along with adventurers when he was 15. He draws attention away from it with warpaint. He also has a white tattoo on his nose that he got while traveling with his Elezen companion, who like the color white.

Senses: He sees in the dark very well with his Keeper genes, unfortunately as he grew up in very sunny warm places, his wide pupils only made his vision worse in these places. He makes up for this by hearing very well. Any angry squinting is just him not being able to see shit.

Handicaps: CAN’T SEE. No really he probably needs glasses but he hasn’t bothered yet. 

Mental Disorders: honestly after everything he’s been through it’s no surprise he’s shown PTSD symptoms

Lovers: Presumably with Haurchefant, though it never really reached any sort of proper status before it was nipped. Seems to have something going with Aymeric or G’raha but whether or not these will truly become something more is unknown.

Occupation: Part time Warrior of Light, Part time Fetch Quest boi.

Work Ethic: He does his best to help people as much as he can in any way that he can. Even if the requests irritate him slightly, he still goes out of his way to try to make people happy.

Wealth Status: Though at this point he probably has more money than the usual citizen due to all the money he gets from helping people, he’s not exactly the greatest at ‘saving’ and ‘budgeting’ which results in him having to pinch gil more often than he’d like to admit.

Past Work Experience: Waiter, messenger, Professional Loitering Child That You Wonder Is Homeless Or Not

Organizations/Affilications: Scions of the Seventh Dawn, Thaumaturge’s Guild (formerly), Archer’s Guild, House Fortemps, Immortal Flames

Education: Barely existent. His mother taught him the very basics when he was 5-7 but he never progressed much past that. Though he learned ‘street smarts’ and enough reading to handle working in a tavern, he mainly relied on others to do that part for him. It isn’t until he joins the Scions that Urianger and Y’shtola improved his abilities greatly, though he’s still behind most of the scions. How the hell he managed to study Thaumaturgy with his basic-ass reading could be anyone’s guess. 

Religion: Again, his parents butted heads with Menphina or Azeyma, so out of following his parents he simply prayed to which ever he thought of first. During his times as a Scion, he supposed Hydaelyn was the one he followed but now he’s not sure where he stands with the gods. If anyone asks though, he dryly responds that he’s a born-again Halone worshiper. No one knows if he’s joking or not. 

Desires: Because of his less than stellar childhood, he wants nothing more than to keep the family he has now.

Wishlist: at this point he just wants a nap. 

Accomplishments: Defeating primals, defeating Ascians, leading revolutions. Y’know. Basic WoL things.

Greatest Achievement: He claims its swimming. Just to tease Alphinaud and Urianger.

Biggest Failure: Despite having done so much, feeling like he’s a failure for not saving people he loved.

Secrets: During his time training as an archer in Gridania, he saw his sister. Though it was only at a distance, and the fact that he only knew her when she was an infant, he just felt it was her. But it was not his place to suddenly show up in her life, so he simply watched her go.

Regrets: Never confessing to Haurchefant. Both of them knew something was there, but Cheng’mei continually thought ‘after this is all over, i’ll say something’ but ‘after this is all over’ never happened and he lost Haurchefant before then. Those thoughts still haunt him to this day as he often has dreams wondering what it would have been like had Haurchefant not died that day. 

[the-real-xmonster]

This thing about Yuzuru Hanyu which I can’t believe I still need to point out

(Warning: long text)

(TL;DR version: Yuzuru Hanyu is the best skater of our time)

I know I said I’ll stop ranting about things for a while but bear with me on this one. I just went through my friend Chib’s Curious Cat feed and usually it’s a very entertaining and enlightening thing to do, but yesterday what I managed to see over there made my mind go into hyperalert mode, though certainly not Chib’s fault. As it happened, apparently the talking point of “Hanyu is not the best at anything” is, once again, making the rounds. Of course the point doesn’t stop there, it quickly evolves, or devolves, more like, into how he can’t deservedly be regarded as the best skater out there if he is not unsurpassed in any particular thing, and how he’s a “jack of all trades master of none”, culminating in this sentiment from one anon, which was the final straw that completely shattered my hitherto camel-back-like tolerance:

ngl that's kind of a boring goat isn't it? not having that one little thing that makes you extra special? all of the best skaters before him had something but he doesn't seem to (x) 

Now, I have tried to debunk this theory before, but in hindsight, I realized that it was likely not the right approach. My, or any Yuzu fan’s, attempt at defending his technique and asserting his supremacy in any singular thing will never not meet with counterpoint from people who wish to deny the validity of his achievements. Let’s call them the deniers for now because “hater” is too polarizing a word and I’m not sure if those people are actually that emotionally invested in Yuzu to begin with. If we get bogged down in their subterfuge, what we’d end up doing is bickering all the livelong day with people who would gleefully claim that skater X jumps better than Yuzu, skater Y has nicer skating skills, skater Z spins prettier, skater A has a more pleasant hydroblade and skater B does that one superior layback Ina Bauer. Skating history is long and the field is deep, so provided that you are persistent enough with your digging, you will more likely than not be able to unearth moments of brilliance that arguably outshine Yuzu’s on any single thing. Those repeated attempts from our side of the table to argue with the deniers on these little things also serve to fuel the confusion, especially in a new fan’s eyes, because this back-and-forth creates the impression that Yuzu’s abilities and achievements are questionable, therefore, doubtful. 

So today let me try a different tack in, not proving, but simply pointing out to you that Yuzuru Hanyu is the best skater of our time and no, his worth as a champion of this sport is not up for debate. 

First of all, the notion that a skater has to be the absolute best at something in order to be the best overall is childish and unrealistic. There is only one place where a person, in order to triumph above all else, vitally needs to have some special technique they can claim to be their own: fiction, more specifically, fantasy fiction, including video games, comics, manga and anime. “Special techniques” have a prominent place in, say, a shounen manga, because the authors will them to be: they are convenient plot devices to make a character memorable and to advance the story line (practice - enemy encounter - more practice - stronger enemy encounter). Real life, dare I say, is more nuanced than that.

Example 1: Jeff Bezos, of Amazon fame, is the richest man alive. Is he the best at any particular aspect of money-making? Probably not, he is not the best performing CEO in the world (Business Insider didn’t think so, neither did Harvard Business Review) nor the most well-liked boss (Mark Zuckerberg is, or used to be, the most likable, according to Forbes), didn’t even make it to Investopedia’s list of most successful entrepreneurs. As someone who currently works for Jeff (I say “works for” in a loose sense, seeing that he’s 6 levels of management above me and obviously doesn’t know that I exist), I can attest to the fact that his employees generally do not regard him as an infallible, all-seeing, all-knowing decision maker either.

Example 2: If there is any canon that tennis fans from all walks of life can agree on, it is the fact that Rafael Nadal is the best ever on clay. However, if you ask 1000 people (fans and players alike) to name one aspect of the game which Rafa is the best at and that could explain his dominance on the red dirt, you will receive a dozen different responses which, if you publish, will be met with hundreds of different rebuttals. His forehand? Nay, we think del Potro’s might be more fearsome. His two-handed backhand? Um, there’s this dude named Djokovic? His topspin? Well, we’ve heard Jack Sock can spin the ball even faster now. 

Remember, though, that none of these queries can hope to erase even the tiniest bit of Jeff’s enormous wealth or Rafa’s transcendental record on his favorite surface. The question is always “why is he so rich?” “why is he so good?”, never “is he rich?” “is he good?” - those would be absurd.

So, coming back to the topic of Yuzuru Hanyu, my friends and fellow Yuzu fans, the next time you are confronted with the claim that skater X/Y/Z/A/B/C is better than him at any one thing, may I suggest the universal response of: so what? 

Secondly, let us engage in a thought experiment: imagine if you could build your ideal figure skater, tailor-made to winning competitions under the current ISU Code of Points, which abilities would you give him/her?

I assume you would want your prototype to have good techniques on all 6 jump types. So as to ensure their competitiveness in this day and age, you’d give them the ability to land multiple quads of multiple types in one program. Your skater should probably strike the right balance between strength and flexibility, so that they can both jump powerfully and spin beautifully. Add on to that speed, agility, edge depth, knee bend, the control necessary to accelerate/decelerate at will and switch directions at the snap of a finger. Just as a safeguard, you might think about programming your android with a self-improvement piece of code which gives them the capability to debug errors in the original configuration (such as a lack of comfort with the flip jump).

What else? Ah, you’d want to make sure they have a good musical sensibility and then give them a team of choreographers that could construct for them the most distinctive, memorable programs. Might as well find them a group of first-rate technical advisers to fill their skates with transitions so complex nobody else has ever attempted them before. Given that this is a sport where appearance plays a not insignificant role, you should consider also providing your machine with a comely face, decent height, long limbs, and a lithe body.

It’s a competitive android we’re talking about, so I’d further suggest instilling your prototype with an insatiable hunger for success and then expose them to the elite level of competition as early as possible, so that they can stay fit and relevant and capable of winning across more than one Olympic cycles (after all, this is a big investment, might as well try as hard as you can for maximum utilization). To top it all up, and this might be hard to synthesize artificially, but you will want to try, nonetheless, to give your skate-bot a charisma so genuine and so enduring that they would be able to attract and retain legions of loyal fans who follow them around the world and shower the ice with their favorite soft toys after every skate - a customer acquisition strategy is always a good thing for your financials, and the soft toy rains will give the media something silly to cover, if nothing else.

I’ve run out of features to request. As an afterthought, may I just ask you to consider leaving out the asthma and reducing his propensity for injuries / freakish accidents? 

There you go, isn’t that nice? Your skate-bot looks perfect to me, highly capable of championing this sport. He’d better win at least a couple of World titles, a couple of Olympic golds, and garnishing them all with a dozen records. You might receive questions down the line about why you didn’t make sure that he is the absolute, incontestable best at any one thing. To which you can rightfully answer that balance, rather than extremes, is what you were aiming for with this skate-bot, and remind those inquisitors that your goal was to create one ideal skater rather than a squadron of one best jumper, one best spinner, one step sequence expert, one choreographic sequence specialist, one transition master, and one musical interpretation virtuoso, if only because the logistics of arranging for them to skate together would be an utter nightmare.

If the result of this perfect skater thought experiment sounds too similar to someone we know, then, well, I told you so.

You, sir, are a robot, I get you now. 

[la-leto]

Jared Leto is the embodiment of the non-conforming Gucci Guilty Pour Homme. At first spray, scents of spicy pepper greet you with a hit that opens up to a refreshing zest for life. Traditionally used to evoke romance and innocence for female fragrances, Orange Blossom Absolute is used at the heart much like the essence of Leto's mature, yet young soul.

Starring alongside Lana Del Rey in the latest Gucci Guilty fragrance campaign lensed by Glen Luchford, Jared Leto plays a free spirit in a quintessential Gucci fantasy, wandering through scenes of Los Angeles where Courtney Love makes a cameo appearance as a waitress in a glammed out diner. From cupcakes and music to the hustle and what’s ahead, V chat with Jared Leto and all things Guilty.

The Gucci Guilty campaign reveals a sense of liberation, self-expression, fun and fearlessness but the fragrance name is Guilty. Have you ever felt guilty for just being yourself?

I’d like to say no, because I feel like that’s kind of cosmological to feel guilty for just being yourself. And I think that so much of what we all fight for and the world is to create a place where we have the ability to be who you are and for that to be okay. I think the term “Guilty” and this (campaign) institutes a more playful take on the word. You know, as in a guilty pleasure. I think that’s fun you know? We all know that eating a cupcake is probably not a good idea because you want to take care of yourself, your body, and your mind. Sugar is a pretty nasty drug but sometimes it’s nice to just plow into it and treat yourself to eating a cupcake and see what you’re made of. That’s a nice thing – to have some guilty pleasure in your life, have some balance and for it to be okay. But what do I know?

What are some of your indulgences?

This is going to sound weird, but I kind of indulge into work quite a bit. And it is an indulgence. I don’t have a family. So, I can take that time and energy, and I can put it toward work and be probably a little more selfish with my creative life and my work life than if I had commitments and obligations to other people. So, it is a bit of an indulgence to have the ability to do that. Other than that, I like to spend time outdoors and in nature when I can indulge in that whenever possible.

That’s a nice balance. You’re also a musician, so I have to ask if you were to translate the scent of Gucci Guilty sonically, what would it sound like?

Maybe we would choose an old analog synthesizer, some big system I think would be really interesting because of the flexibility and variety that we get from that piece of technology.

What are some scents that comfort you?

I think the smell of fireplaces is always really comforting and beautiful. A primal smell. When your mom makes cookies, that’s always very hard to beat.

Men’s fashion is having such a huge moment. You’re never afraid to experiment with your looks throughout the years. Do you feel like you take on a character when you put on an outfit? How do you become a chameleon of these looks?

I appreciate that. I mean part of it is pretty much not giving a f*ck. You know for me and to the V readers, who gives a f*ck? It’s just a piece of fabric right? I think that there’s a little bit of that and just having a little bit of fun as well. That’s what I love about Gucci and Alessandro (Michele). They brought the fun back and kind of started a party over there. And everyone’s like, “Well that looks like a good time.” For me personally, I started to wear a lot of dresses recently on stage.

Dresses.

Yeah, I’ve been wearing dresses on stage for quite some time. And when I put them on, I don’t feel like I’m a character in them. I don’t even feel like I’m wearing a dress. Once you’re playing summertime shows outdoors, they’re better to run around in than like a muumuu or something.

Haha. Just let the boys breathe!

There’s a reason grandmas wear them, right? It feels more like a tunic and feels really pleasant to wear them, you know? It’s more of a bit of funkiness not just worn for me to run around on stage. It’s refreshingly and not too hot or restrictive.

Well I guess that answers my next question, but what do you feel most comfortable in? Is it whatever in the moment?

I’m comfortable with comfortable. I was putting something on last night and trying some stuff that Gucci came up with and whipped up. And when I put some stuff on, I’m just smiling and laughing, and you know, it’s kind of fun. I think that’s a determining factor for me. To just have some fun. I don’t really take it that serious.

You’ve been a huge supporter of Alessandro (Michele) since he’s taken the helm at Gucci. Now your relationship has evolved and you’re really at the forefront of this Gucci gang. What is that relationship been like with Alessandro?

It’s been great. It’s been wonderful. It’s awesome to work with your friends. The best thing about Alessandro besides his talent is his heart. And he’s a really kind, thoughtful person. He’s one of a kind and we’ve had a lot of fun with each other and I think we really like the fact that we get to work with each other. It’s just kind of a bonus, you know? It’s rare when it feels like work and we’re just kind of having a blast. It’s always a unique experience.

Do you have any new projects that you have coming up that you can tell us about?

I guess just wrapping up the tour this year. We’ve played about 110 - 115 shows all over the world and just got home about a week and a half ago so I’m really happy to be in one place. We’ve been all over the world multiple times and we’re actually having a summertime festival tour. But I’m going off to shoot a movie called Morbius, and then Warhol. So, yeah that’s my next year.

Busy, busy. We’re looking forward to it. It’s always a pleasure to see you on screen, off screen, and to hear your music. Thanks for the chat.

My pleasure. I’ll see you soon, I hope.

Warhol?? In 2019??

ItsJustNotRealistic.gif

[therealkn]

David’s Resolution - Day 18

Day 18 (January 18, 2019)

Blade: Trinity (2004)

“In the movies, Dracula wears a cape, and some old English guy always manages to save the day at the last minute with crosses and holy water. But everybody knows the movies are full of shit. The truth is, it started with Blade, and it ended with him. The rest of us were just along for the ride.”

In 1997, Batman & Robin was released to theaters and... well, a lot of people didn’t like it. In fact, many say it’s one of the worst movies ever made. The first part is true as it was slammed by critics and audiences upon release and has cultivated a considerable notoriety for its badness; the second part is false because trust me, it is FAR from the worst ever made. If you unironically consider Batman & Robin one of the worst films ever, please tell me what your criteria are for determining whether a film is “one of the worst ever”, because I think that criteria is lacking. But one thing that is for certain about Batman & Robin is that it, along with the failure of Steel that same year, more or less killed DC Comics’ hold in the box office. They struggled for several years with other films until finally seeing success again with 2005′s Batman Begins, which was a critical and commercial success and started Christopher Nolan’s “Dark Knight Trilogy” of Batman films.

In between those Batman films, however, Marvel Comics decided to take another shot at movies after some... not-so-great films. And we got Blade. Hell yeah.

Telling the stylish and action-packed tale of the half-vampire Blade (Wesley Snipes) who hunts down vampires and does so in the coolest way possible, Blade - released one year after Batman & Robin - was a critical and commercial success, Marvel’s first in the box office. This was impressive not only because it was a comic book movie and people were questioning the viability of the genre after Batman & Robin, but also because it was an R-rated comic book movie featuring a more obscure character instead of someone more well-known to audiences. Blade was a pretty cool, stylish, badass movie and while X-Men and Spider-Man would become bigger and more famous successes, I’d like to think that Blade started Marvel’s new era of superhero movies and influenced their approach to making future films, especially when it came to looking into more obscure properties to adapt to film like the Guardians of the Galaxy.

And then there was Blade II, released in 2002 and directed by my guy Guillermo del Toro. This was a sequel that was even better than the original in practically every way. The villain was cooler and surprisingly sympathetic (not being mean to you, Stephen Dorff, you were great in the first film, but I’m just saying), the story has some neat twists to it, the characters are great and memorable, the action’s exciting and one-ups the sequences in the first movie, and it has Del Toro’s distinctive visual style for days.

And then came Blade: Trinity, which cocked the whole thing up. In order to properly prepare for this film, I watched the other two films (I’ve seen them before, which is why I’m not writing full reviews for them). I had actually tried to watch this years ago but only got as far as the first act because younger David somehow thought it was that bad. That’s the younger David who would have probably disliked watching sex, lies, and videotape.

This movie’s premise is simple: the vampire world has decided that in order to destroy Blade, they hit the Godzilla threshold and awaken Dracula (Dominic Purcell), the very first vampire ever to exist, to help them fight. And this time, Blade’s not doing it alone. Okay, he wasn’t always alone, as he had his mentor Abraham Whistler (Kris Kristofferson) in the other two films and- oh, they kill off Whistler in the first act, wow, that’s some bullshit. Well, now Blade has become part of a group of vampire hunters called the Nightstalkers, and accompanying him is the wisecracking Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds) and Whistler’s daughter Abigail (Jessica Biel). Okay, the stakes are raised - pun unintended, promise - and this is going to be the biggest challenge yet for Blade.

Speaking of Ryan Reynolds... he’s the best thing in this movie ,getting that out there right now. His character, Hannibal King, could best be described as “Deadpool Lite”. He calls his vampire ex a cock-juggling thundercunt, which is one of the greatest insults of all time and that alone makes him great. I can see why some people would find him annoying or grating, but I like to think of it as a dry run for his playing the Merc with a Mouth, which is funny considering that around this time, Reynolds was hearing about the Deadpool character. In fact, after this movie, Reynolds would begin the twelve-year-long journey of bringing DP to the big screen, which would involve playing a character named Wade Wilson in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

I’m sorry, this movie is not great. It’s just a big disappointing letdown. One of the problems with the movie is with Blade. Not the character himself, he’s still pretty cool and Wesley Snipes is great. I mean that this doesn’t feel like his movie. In the other two movies, it was pretty clear he was the guy in charge, especially in Blade II when he made it clear to the vampires he formed a truce with that he was not someone you screw with. But in this one, he just kinda gets shunted off for several other characters. To their credit, Marvel would get better at ensemble films (The Avengers, ‘nuff said), but in this one, it just feels sad. We watched this movie because we want more of Blade. But it feels like they put him in the back seat to focus more on other characters. He’s the title character for fuck’s sake, and yet he feels like he’s a side character in his own movie. Just like what happened with Tom and Jerry...

What doesn’t help either is that the film is one of those “too many things happening for its own good” films. The movie’s got too much going on and it feels confusing. What’s this film about? Is it about Blade fighting Dracula with the Nightstalkers? Is it about the vampire world finally getting the law to crack down on Blade? Is it about the vampire’s plans to completely subjugate the world? It doesn’t seem to know which one it wants to focus on, which really hurts considering that this is supposed to be the biggest threat that the vampire hunters of the world ever faced, and yet Dracula seems like less of a legitimate threat than Deacon Frost in the first movie or the Reaper virus in the second. And it’s not the only third film in a superhero film series to have this problem, as X-Men: The Last Stand had this same problem with too much happening. Again, Marvel at least got better at juggling multiple plotlines in superhero movies with their cinematic universe, so there is that.

There’s a lot of other problems big and small, and a good chunk of them can probably be traced back to Wesley Snipes. The production of this film was pretty screwed up, and a lot of it is due to him. David S. Goyer, who wrote all the Blade films including this one, ended up directing it when no one else wanted to take the job. Snipes was unhappy with Goyer’s decision to direct, and both he and Kris Kristofferson were unhappy with the script, which is probably why Kristofferson’s character is killed off early on. (Reminds me of what they did with RoboCop’s partner in RoboCop 3, another third movie in a series that sucked.) Not only that, but Snipes was hostile to Goyer as well as Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel; at one point, Hannibal King says “He doesn’t like me, does he?”, which was not Hannibal talking about Blade, but Reynolds talking about Snipes. Snipes also apparently refused to leave his trailer for any scenes that didn’t show his face, so his stunt double did a lot of the Blade scenes. His working relationship with Goyer got so bad that he called him a racist several times for no reason and refused to speak to him, communicating only in Post-It notes. The fact that the final film got finished and is... watchable... is pretty impressive.

This film, sadly, killed off the Blade franchise. New Line Cinema’s problems with Wesley Snipes led to them making a short-lived TV show on Spike TV with someone else playing the Daywalker, and then Snipes got sent to prison for tax evasion and the Blade character’s film rights reverted to Marvel during his prison term. He’s been in talks with Marvel Studios to bring the character back, but so far they’ve said they have no plans for the character in the future. Here’s hoping we get more Blade in the future.

I should also mention that the version I saw was the unrated cut, which doesn’t really add more violence or swears or other things cut for an MPAA rating as all the Blade movies were rated R. It has some more plot and character stuff, but that doesn’t help the movie much when compared to the theatrical version. The biggest change is the ending, which includes the infamous shot of Blade’s opening eyes being superimposed over his face when Snipes refused to open his eyes in the scene.

This movie’s a mess, plain and simple. It is without a doubt the weakest film in the Blade trilogy, which sucks because it could have been better. If they had trimmed some of the plotlines and focused more on Blade than his companions, it would have been better. Like Mimic 3, I don’t hate the film, I just find it disappointing with how it could have been better. For what it is, it’s still watchable, but it’s just a muddled mess of a movie. Not sure if I’d recommend it. I’d definitely recommend the other two Blade films.

Also, if any of you are hoping for me to review more Marvel movies as part of this resolution, you may be out of luck, sadly. I’ve seen all the Marvel Cinematic Universe films, as I had to catch up in time for Avengers: Infinity War, as well as all the X-Men films and spinoffs and the 2003 Hulk, which I actually really liked, even more than some MCU films (to which someone will say “it’s okay, you can just say Thor: The Dark World”). ...Although I haven’t seen the Amazing Spider-Man films yet...

Next time: How about a GOOD comic book movie from 1997?

[lady-olive-oil]

Distraction Ch.1

Chapter 1

A/N: AYE!!!!!! Here we go ya’ll, here we go! its a longer than i anticipated for the first chapter but it’s something. The title has been changed, mainly because i love Kehlani but still has the vibes of the last title I had. Each chapter will have a different picture, either both of them together or one of each for the characters in their point of view. I have a tag list squad, so if you’d like to be in it, let me know. Alright here we go!

Word count: 1,631

Words in Swahili: Kubeba [bear], Ni habari gani [whats the news?]

Song: Legend Has It by Run The Jewels

{Back to Winston Duke/M’Baku List}

Tag Squad: @itsmegarabitch || @curbedcharybdis [if i forgot your name let me know!!!

enjoy!

-Amina’s POV-

Another day, another dollar. No time for slacking, no time for errors. You can take the girl out of the fashion world, but you can’t take the fashion out of the girl. Being a fashion designer, there was never a dull moment. Just like being the owner of your own boutique. You heard that right, I own The Jungle Boutique, Manhattan. Not too far from where I live, which is Brooklyn. With fashion week being over, I managed to get some random sketches done for fun, whenever I have free time. I do have a little following going on, which isn’t too bad if I do say so myself. WiI had my black Beats headphones in my ears, shielding the world around me, as I sketched a few designs in my book. Bobbing my head to the music, getting a feel of the rhythm of the graphite strokes on the paper. The prismacolors molded against the intricate lines, shaping the garments effortlessly as i went on.

“Amina.” the faint noise of something or someone wasn’t very far.

“Hear what I say, we are the business today, Fuck shit is finished today RT & J, we the new PB & J We dropped a classic today. We did a tablet of acid today, Did joints with the masses and ashes away SKRRRT! We dash away, Donner and Dixon, the pistol is blastin’ away”

“Amina.” there voice spoke again, in the distance that spoke calmly and easily.

“Doctors of death, Curing our patients of breath. We oughta pay you the trust, Crooked at work Cookin’ up curses and slurs Smokin’ my brain into mush. I became famous for blamin’ you fucks Maimin’ my way through the brush. There is no training or taming of me and my bruh, Look like a man, but I’m animal raw”

“Amina!” The voice yelled this time as i kept on sketching, nodding my head to Legend Has It by Run The Jewels. That was until my right earbud was yanked out my ear, forcing me to draw my elbow back, and send an angry glare at the culprit at hand. Yet i was caught, looking up at a very amused Winston.

“Winston! You know damn well you can’t just yank someone’s headphones out!” My thick and heavy accent had shone through, like many times before when I was either tired or distraught. His laughter was something else. Laughing at my pain in the process, one of his hands rested on my shoulder while holding his stomach with the other.

“Oh come on Mimi. It was just a friendly little getsure, don’t take it to heart. Plus, your receptionist Janice, let me up before she left to switch with some guy named Jonah.” There goes that nickname. It never left the 4th grade. He tried to calm his laughter but it was to no avail, sadly enough. Janice and Jonah, my receptionists and old college friends, never ceased to amaze me. Lord knows i’ll have a fille day with them two asking me questions tomorrow.

With a roll of my sweet chocolate brown eyes, closing my book in the process and leaning back in my chair, I gave him a look. Why was he here exactly? Not that I didn’t mind at all, it was nice to see an old friend, especially him. He was the best friend anyone could possibly ask for in any crises. That’s why I called him bear, when we were kids. Now he’s this big star doing extraordinary things with his career, that makes me proud to be from Brooklyn. Making it seems like anything was possible, and that it can be done.

“OK, i have to ask. Why are you here kubeba? Shouldn’t you be at auditions?” I asked him curiously as i watched him pace around the room with excitement, something must be good.

“Well bunny, kind of. You ready for it?”

What was this boy up to? Whatever it was, it must’ve been a good thing to  make him so giddy.

“As I’ll ever be, oh great one. Release your good news upon the village people.” The look on his face was priceless when it was my turn to laugh. It was do deadpanned that even roadkill was jealous, yet he joined in. Doubling over this time, I clutched my stomach and caught my breath.

He was always a tough one to crack, when it came to jokes. I got him to laugh every time, regardless if it was bad or not. I’d like to see one of his little girlfriends do that, without being all up on him like a starfish. You could say I’m a little protective over the women he chooses to date. OK maybe not a little but you get my drift. None of them liked me anyway, because he’d always ask me to check them out for him, or help to get rid of them like that one movie What’s Your Number. Yeah it never ended well for him or I to be honest. They’d all think i was his girl in the end, and that was not the case by any means. Many a times I have thought about being with him, but then I’d think about our friendship in the end. In school I’d be the one getting picked on because of how darkly pigmented my skin was, different from my brothers. Being Afro-Latina in my way, was a gift as my mother would say. Yes i’ve grown into my head and my body curved itself out but what can you do? Plus, i grew my hair out more and it’s literally larger than life. Snapping back into reality, I grabbed his hand that was waving in my face.

“Earth to madame Jakande. You ok?” His concerned voice was soft and gentle, yet worried.

“Yeah. yeah I’m fine. Just uh, daydreaming again. So uh what’s this grandiose news you have for me, ye old one?” I had to get my mind back in the right state of mind, so i gathered my belongings and headed for the elevator for the day.

“I am older than you, yes, so respect your elders.” He poked my side and caused me to yelp, as he followed in tow.

“You’re only older than me by 10 days, ya goofball. Anyway, ni habari gani?” the anticipation was killing me as to what he had in store, as we both descended down the elevator down to the main floor. Manhattan was always busy, no matter what time of day it was. It was however, currently noon on a brisk Sunday afternoon.

“Well since you spoke in Swahili, it is one of the many languages my character in The Black Panther knows. In fact, I’m also the leader of a tribe.” He smiled brightly at me with soft chuckle. At that moment i stopped us both in front of my boutique store front window, giving him a shocked look with a huge grin.

I gave him a once over one good time before saying anything. He had told me that he had gotten a huge role in a movie that would break possible barriers but never told me what it was. I even looked all over the internet and found nothing despite my search. I grew up reading comic books at a young age, because of my parents and older brother, so i knew a little bit. Once he said Black Panther, I had to think for a bit and then I got it.

“Wait, wait. You’re a huge guy so I can only think of one character for you to be. The great M’Baku, leader of the Jabari tribe!” i squealed way too loud as I gave him a congratulatory hug on his huge accomplishment. His strong arms enveloped me in return, laughing himself.

“Someone knows their stuff! Look at you nzuri! Listen as great gesture for being my right hand girl, how about we do lunch? I pay, you pick the place” Releasing himself from our heart warming embrace, he looked at me with hopeful eyes. Damn him for being 6’4.

“Ugh, deal. You drive a hard bargain, oh great leader. I wonder how your girl, Ashanti is gonna take this.” with a sweet wink and a chuckle, we walked side by side towards Del Posto, to discuss his future.

“About her, we broke up actually. Because she got tired of me working more hours.” The look of defeat fell upon his chiseled features as he explained it, but a smile bounced back.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that Winston. Listen, you need to stop serial dating and look for a woman to settle down with, you know? You’re in your early 30’s, I think it’s time.” He rolled his eyes at me this time and smiled graciously, as I let out a sweet laugh. If only he knew.

“Yeah, yeah. When the time is right, I will. Now let’s eat and discuss my wardrobe for this premier. You are styling me right?” He offered me his hand to do the Wakandan salute that I know from the trailers, and we both did it.

“Oh hell yeah. You know i am. What kind of friend would i be if i didn’t use skills for good instead of evil?” walking inside the restaurant, we were greeted by an aroma of multiple things and sat at our usual table by the window.

“To us. Two best friends, living their dreams in the city and conquering everything. But, not losing sight of themselves.” he made a little speech before we clinked our wine glasses together.

Oh yeah, this was going to be an interesting year for him, and also me as well.

[solemnveloci]

COCO & BOOK OF LIFE Joint Review

Alright, lemme just get this out of the way.

I know that I’m gonna get some people saying “Hey, don’t compare them! They did a good job conveying two different stories, don’t be spiteful to one over the other!” and that’s a good point. I didn’t even intend on watching them back to back at first.

However, I needed a cleanser after the three straight Open Season movies I’d watched, and it made more sense to me to rewatch TBoL and to… first-watch Coco since they were both about the same holiday. So, worry not. I’ll get it over with quick in the beginning.

Let’s start! (obvious spoilers for both movies)

The Book of Life was practically strangled to death before its time by the multiple years in production until it was finally accepted by ReelFX. The creative minds behind the project were native Mexicans Jorge Gutierrez and Sandra Gutierrez, famous for such projects as El Tigre, Carmen Got Expelled, and with resident fish-kisser Guillermo Del Toro working as producer, they could finally bring their idea to fruition.

Then Lee Unkrich went to Mexico on holiday, mentioned sugar skulls to his higher-ups, and Pixar immediately grabbed him by the throat and said, “DUDE MAKE A MOVIE.” DisNepotism at its finest.

Of course, Disney proceeded to screw themselves over so hard they practically ripped their metaphorical cocks off when they tried to trademark DIA LOS MUERTOS so that no icky DreamWorks producer could get their paws on it. The blatancy of this dick movie rightfully pissed off about a million Latino people (Mexican or otherwise) and Disney realized that maybe they had the wrong priorities. In order to assuage the backlash, they threw about six Mexican creators at the script and creative departments and begged them to sew up the Austria-sized fuckup.

Coco now sits as the highest animated film of all time in Mexico. I’d say they helped a lot.

PROS

The Book of Life:

God, the voice acting is amazing. How the hell they got Channing Tatum in this, I’ll never know, but he nails his lines like he’s not even trying. Kate Del Castillo and Diego Luna are my two favorites, though, considering they dual-dubbed La Muerte and Manolo in both English and Latin American Spanish. This line in particular always gets me.

I adore the puppets as a framing device. There’s just something so cool about it, especially with how characters like Xibalba and the Candlemaker interact with them.

Joaquin shouting his own name like a Pokémon every time he does something.

The Mariachi brothers physically roll around sometimes instead of walking.

Both versions of Manolo’s love song are gorgeous and sweet. They’re a welcome addition to the jukebox musical style of the rest.

Placido Domingo as Manolo’s disabled, opera-singing, bullfighter great-grandpa.

*chuckles* “They crushed our dreams!”

Manolo’s mom is so darling, you guys.

“Being bullfighters, we often flirt with death.” “And that’s why there’s so many of you down here.”

Xibalba, the god of evil, pigging out on a giant table of food and causally telling Manolo that’s he’s been completely screwed over.

Something’s oddly funny about the fact that Chakal’s got a giant, untouched drawing of the medal in his Cave O’ Death.

“Hey! My arthritis is gone!”

“Hello… puddle.”

Manolo’s mom bitchslapping Chakal.

The scene where Manolo apologizes to all the bulls his family killed, and the way the bull just clams down and dissolves into marigolds, like its soul was just put to rest.

Luchadore Priest. Hell, just the whole fight scene.

The kiss between Manolo and Maria, not helped by the fact I though he was flipping Chakal off during it instead of raising a finger.

“Men! Typical.” I love that delivery. “WELP, SAW THIS SHIT COMIN’.”

The little goth kid passing out when La Muerte undisguises herself.

Coco:

Again, the voice acting, fucking astounding. Props goes to Gael Garcia Benal, he pulls off his character so well! Disney/Pixar movies have sort of been lackluster with their voice acting (with a few exceptions) but this one was perfect.

*flashback to Ernesto getting flattened under a bell* “I wanna be just like him!”

“Miguel, vitamins are real.” “Well, now I’m thinking they might be!”

Hector’s facial expressions are so good, you guys.

Actually, I want to talk more about this. Not just him, but all the physical comedy with the skeletons. Like, they way they detach their limbs or heads, it’s so animated and weird. Reminds me of old cartoons.

If someone told me they watched this movie for Hector, I’d support them.

“Those aren’t the words!” “There are children present.”

I don’t care if all the acts were meant to be bad on purpose, I thought they were cute.

“Bring back the singing dogs!”

Seriously, the body language is incredible. Gael must have been having the time of his life recording this.

“HAVE YOU MET MY GRANDSON?”

“I hope you die very soon!”

Ernesto’s twist villainy is better than Big Hero Six and Frozen combined, fight me.

In fact, it’s the only way the villainy would have worked. Dammit, Disney! You made it look lazy!

Holy fuck, he just fell over. That’s… jarring.

Art theft is bad, you guys.

*sobbing*

*LOUDER SOBBING*

Awww! She’s dead! Wait, that sounds bad.

CONS

You scrolled down here for the negativity, didn’t you?

Book of Life: This movie gets shorter every time I watch it. Not kidding. Maybe it’s because I’m used to all the plot beats and twists. But… why is it soooo short?! Even like, two more scenes could have helped it along. I NEED MORE.

Coco: The inclusion of Frida Kahlo. This one kinda doesn’t count, but it does annoy me that she was used as just a quirky side-character, which is a huge slap in the face for all that she’d done as an artist and an activist.  The gag at the beginning with Hector wasn’t that bad, but if I could’ve changed it, I’d put the guy who invented Alebrijes in her place, Pedro Linares. You’d only have to do a little bit of tweaking, the Rivera family would dress as a giant Alebrije puppet to get backstage instead, Hector could disguise himself as one to sneak past Ernesto’s guards, and we could have this scene.

Ernesto: Ah, excuse me, sir! The stage is that way.

Hector: *takes off mask*

Ernesto: Hector. You’ve gotten back into performing, I see.

And now, for some rapid-fire nitpicks if that wasn’t enough negativity for you.

Why does the museum have a trick wall? Is it always there, or just there when La Muerte needs it? Is this their day job, or did they shapeshift into actual museum workers? Where’s Joaquin’s Mom? If she’s alive, why is she neglecting a child to live out in the streets? If she’s dead, who the hell raised him before Maria’s dad? Where’s Maria’s mom? Is nobody going to point out that Manolo is the only living member of his family left?!

Why didn’t Imelda just ban people seeking out musical careers and not all music? Are they not allowed to go to church? What do they do for parties? Quincenaras? Did nobody that Hector knew talk about the movie where his own death was ripped off? Did he never even overhear it? If you do something evil, do you only go to the Land of the Remembered if you never get caught?  What if you’re a serial killer who never got caught? Does that mean there’s a hell? DID CHICH GO TO HELL BECAUSE HE WAS FORGOTTEN? WHAT KIND OF FUCKED UP GHOST CAPITALISM DOES THE PIXAR-VERSE AFTERLIFE RUN ON

[filmgamer]

Although actual nominations won’t be in until Tuesday I added a mix of predicted favourites and personal choices of mine for wishful thinking purposes. Read to get some sort of context and personal filter on what to expect and hope for come January 23rd for the 90th Annual Academy Awards.

Best Picture

Blade Runner 2049 * – Broderick Johnson, Andrew A. Kosove, Bud Yorkin

Call Me By Your Name – Emilie Georges, Luca Guadagnino, James Ivory, Marco Morabito, Howard Rosenman, Peter Spears

Dunkirk – Emma Thomas

The Florida Project – Sean Baker, Chris Bergoch, Kevin Chinoy, Andrew Duncan, Alex Saks Francesca Silvestri, Shih-Ching Tsou

Get Out – Jason Blum, Edward H. Hamm Jr., Sean McKittrick, Jordan Peele

Lady Bird – Eli Bush, Evelyn O’Neill, Scott Rudin

Mudbound – Carl Effenson, Sally Jo Effenson, Cassian Elwes, Charles D. King, Christopher Lemole, Kim Roth, Tim Zajaros

The Shape of Water – J. Miles Dale, Guillermo del Toro

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri – Graham Broadbent, Peter Czernin, Martin McDonagh

Wonder Woman – Charles Roven, Deborah Snyder, Zack Snyder, Richard Suckle

Blade Runner 2049

Call Me By Your Name

Dunkirk

The Florida Project

Get Out

Lady Bird

Mudbound

The Shape of Water

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri

Wonder Woman

Blade Runner 2049 was my favourite movie of the year, Three Billboards was my second favourite, Lady Bird and Get Out were good too. I found Dunkirk to be overrated, confusing and far from Nolan’s best. I am the only person besides my mom that didn’t like Wonder Woman. Mudbound was very boring to me. I like the idea of The Florida Project which has landed on several best of lists winning because of its underclass nature & humble beginnings, a true underdog. I have not seen The Shape of Water but its awards attention has caught my interest and Call Me By Your Name has as much chance of winning as it does being interest to me.

Actress In A Leading Role

Jessica Chastain – Molly’s Game

Gal Gadot – Wonder Woman

Sally Hawkins – The Shape of Water

Frances McDormand* – Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri

Saoirse Ronan – Lady Bird

Jessica Chastain

Gal Gadot

Sally Hawkins

Frances McDormand

Saoirse Ronan

This is a runaway for Frances McDormand who gives her best performance since Fargo. Gal Gadot is good but her nomination would be the story here. Sally Hawkins gives an impressive performance as a deaf-mute. I think Saoirse only gets acclaim because she has a flawless american accent. Jessica Chastain does good character work and deserved the Oscar for Zero Dark Thirty which Jennifer Lawrence won for Silver Linings Playbook (which I love but is not Best Actress worthy).

Actress in A Supporting Role

Octavia Spencer – The Shape of Water

Holly Hunter – The Big Sick

Laurie Metcalf – Lady Bird

Hong Chau – Downsizing

Allison Janney – I, Tonya

Octavia Spencer (Right)

Holly Hunter (Right)

Laurie Metcalf

Hong Chau

Allison Janney

Allison Janney all the way here. Holly Hunter is good in The Big Sick and Octavia Spencer always knows what she’s doing (still haven’t seen Shape of Water or it would fill up the supporting actor category). Hong Chau got raves out of Downsizing, additionally annoying and unfair because the Oscars have become so politicized in recent years this would be seen as a win for diversity after the 87th & 88th #OscarsSoWhite controversies. It’s ironic that her possible nomination would come from writer/director Alexander Payne indulging in his stereotypical racist tendencies. I guess Hollywood takes diversity where they can get it.

Actor In A Leading Role

Hugh Jackman * – Logan

Daniel Kaluuya – Get Out

James McAvoy – Split

Gary Oldman – The Darkest Hour

Denzel Washington – Roman J. Israel Esq.

Hugh Jackman

Daniel Kaluuya

James McAvoy

Gary Oldman

Denzel Washington

This race is Gary Oldman’s to lose. He has turned in a career full of good performances and this is icing on the cake. If anything would hamper him from winning it’d be that the choice is too obvious playing historical figure Winston Churchill. Denzel always makes a great oscar campaign push and he has been hungry for a third win despite being the weakest reviewed movie of the bunch. I didn’t include Timothy Chalamet from ‘Call Me’ because I think his praise is due to the fact that reviewers aren’t aware he’s playing himself in role better written than he is like all first time actor nominees. Hugh Jackman deserves it for Logan even though I’m not a huge fan of that movie he deserves recognition for what he brought to the character. Daniel Kaluuya gives a subtle understated performance that rewards repeat viewings. And James McAvoy has been close to forgotten for his memorable turn in Split as someone with multiple personality disorder I’d like him to get recognized.

Actor In A Supporting Role

Willem Dafoe – The Florida Project

Jamie Foxx – Baby Driver

Christopher Plummer – All the Money In the World

Sam Rockwell – Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri

Patrick Stewart * – Logan

Willem Dafoe

Jamie Foxx (saying “that’s Oscar worthy”)

Christopher Plummer

Sam Rockwell

Patrick Stewart

At the beginning of the campaign I would have said this was an easy win for Willem Dafoe’s warm performance in The Florida Project but another career character actor Sam Rockwell has upstaged him for Three Billboards. Christopher Plummer is good I imagine many people are still amazed he’s in themovie after the Kevin Spacey debacle. I thought Jamie Foxx gave one of his best performances in Baby Driver, he even makes an Oscar reference. Patrick Stewart was so good in Logan that it’s impressive he makes you believe his senile swearing version of Professor X is the same person.

Directing

Martin McDonagh – Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri

Jordan Peele – Get Out

M. Night Shyamalan – Split

Guillermo del Toro – The Shape of Water

Denis Villeneuve – Blade Runner 2049

Jordan Peele, Get Out

M. Night Shyamalan, Split

Martin McDonaugh, Three Billboards

Denis Villeneuve, Blade Runner 2049

Guillermo del Toro, The Shape of Water

Denis Villeneuve made a sequel to a classic that was better than the original while making it his own thing. He received a BAFTA (British Oscars) nomination for this and might repeat all the categories for last year’s Arrival. Jordan Peele, Guilllermo del Toro, and Martin McDonaugh are shoe-ins for the nomination and Greta Gerwig is likely to actually be nominated for Lady Bird, a movie I liked a lot but has modest aims. I threw in a Shyamalan twist because not only has he been nominated for but Split is a legitimately good movie that is unique enough I feel another director couldn’t replicate, and being the best means you’re special.

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

Hampton Fancher and Michael Green – Blade Runner 2049

James Ivory – Call Me By Your Name

Aaron Sorkin – Molly’s Game

Stephen Chbosky and Steve Conrad and Jack Thorne – Wonder

Scott Neustadter & Michael H. Weber – The Disaster Artist

I think side by side with Three Billboards, Blade Runner is the best script this year and they happen to qualify for two different categories so yay! The Disaster Artist, Molly’s Game and Call Me are all favourites because it’s a weak year for this category which is why there will likely be a few surprises. I threw in Wonder because it’s high on the betting pool, commercially and critically successful, and it’s the movie every book lover expected to love and every movie lover expected to hate (but surprisingly didn’t) and The Perks of Being A Wallflower was pretty decent. Mudbound could score a nomination here to but I didn’t put it personally because its incremental pacing felt like a slog for me that just didn’t flow.

Adapted – Michael Green (who also wrote Alien Covenant, Logan, and Murder On The Orient Express all this year) rewrote Hampton Fancher’s screenplay (right)

Original – Greta Gerwig Writer/ Director of Lady Bird

Original – Martin McDonagh Writer/ Director of 3 Billboards

Original – Kumail Nanjiani & Emily V. Gordon wrote The Big Sick together. In writing credits the use of an ‘&’ denotes simultaneous collaboration while the use of ‘and’ indicates someone rewrote someone else’s screenplay

Original – Vanessa Taylor (co-writer of The Shape of Water with Del Toro)

Writing (Original Screenplay)

Greta Gerwig – Lady Bird

Martin McDonagh – Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri

Emily V. Gordon & Kumail Nanjiani – The Big Sick

Jordan Peele – Get Out

Guillermo del Toro and Vanessa Taylor – The Shape of Water

If Lady Bird doesn’t end up getting completely shut out come Oscar night for being good enough to get noticed but not enough to take home (typical Lady Bird amirite?) it’ll win here as Get Out and Shape muscle in on their visual splendor. Of course I don’t think any movie this year takes as many risks as the unpredictable 3 Billboards does in its screenplay so it should win. The Big Sick was in my top list for this year but original? C’mon its based pretty much on the real life story of its writers, it should be adapted if anything however rules are rules.

Best Cinematography

Roger Deakins – Blade Runner 2049

The 68 year old is the closest thing to a sure thing this year and has been nominated 13 times before without winning and this is his best work which everyone has said from the beginning. Some of his previous nominations include: The Shawshank Redemption, Fargo, A Beautiful Mind, No Country For Old Men, Skyfall & Sicario. He absolutely deserves this one.

Best Original Score

Hanz Zimmer – Dunkirk

I didn’t like this movie but I listened to the score countless times while putting together my harsh review of it. The rarely idle Hans does the devil’s work here. And his Inception score was much better than Trent Reznor’s The Social Network which won that year. #robbed

Best Visual Effects

War for the Planet of the Apes

Another much hyped movie on my website I was let down by. I have never seen a director so obviously confident behind the camera its annoying that this series now so well realized spends its last chapter doing a prison break riff. Good Visual Effects are all about enhancing the story and I’ve never seen effects pushed so hard in that regard. Surprisingly, this rebooted series with state of the art effects that take YEARS to render has yet to win but unless members of the academy decide to feel sorry for Blade Runner or reward the epic looking latest Transformers: The Last Knight this should be a steal.

A Perfect and Backlash-Free Choice Oscar Nomination List Although actual nominations won’t be in until Tuesday I added a mix of predicted favourites and personal choices of mine for wishful thinking purposes.

[tarot-studies-and-tea-blog]

Tarot Topics: Tarot and Perfectionism - Letting Go

So as you probably know, I’m teaching a Tarot Basics class next month. I’ve been brushing up on tarot history research as well as trying to figure out what information is truly useful for a beginning reader.

Readers have given me a lot of different ideas of things that they wish they had known when they started their tarot journeys, and after a while I began to notice that there seemed to be a common theme among many of them: letting go in some way of the fear that their tarot experience and practice was wrong in some way.

Whether it’s learning to trust your intuition when it comes to meanings, or learning that your relationship with the cards is as fun (or as serious) as you’re willing to make it, a big part of “learning” tarot is coming to the realization that you’re not so much learning a series of meanings as you are constructing your own tarot experience by sorting through the experiences and insights of those that have gone before you. You’ll keep the ones that resonate with you and discard the ones that don’t, creating a practice that is just as unique as your fingerprint.

It’s easy to fall into the mindset that there’s a “right way” to do things; there are tarot luminaries, now and from history, that have played large roles in shaping ideas and practices. Robert M. Place commented on this in his excellent history of tarot (Tarot: History, Symbolism, and Divination) and his perspective on it really got me thinking:

Yet the occult myth of the Tarot’s Origin persists in subtle ways. One finds that discussions of the history of the Tarot among enthusiasts often lead to speculation as to who created the deck and what this person was thinking. It is sometimes assumed that the Tarot was created by one person, such as a sage or a magician, or by one group, such as a school of Kabalists or a mystic brotherhood. This train of thought is linked to the idea that there is one true original order for the Tarot trumps and one original set of symbols.

Now don’t get me wrong; there are plenty of individuals and groups, from Etteilla (creator of the first modern tarot) and Arthur Waite (creator of the Waite-Smith) to the Order of the Golden Dawn, who have in fact created their own decks. But that’s the thing; they’ve taken the basic framework of the tarot deck and put forth their own interpretation of it. They are not the creators of an “original” tarot.

Instead, what we see when we look back down through the ages, is a deck that has grown and changed with the times. It is a fluid, organic, and almost living thing. The power of the tarot lies in its symbols, and symbols are multivalent; they have many meanings, in part determined by the context that the symbol is found in and in part by the personal meanings that the viewer has accumulated through their life. 

Symbols also evolve, change, or are discarded completely when they are no longer able to hold or convey the appropriate meaning. We can clearly see this throughout the history of tarot decks; while much of the structure has remained the same over time, even in the earliest days there was considerable variation in not only the number of cards included in what we call the Major Arcana but in their names and accepted order as well. (One tarot ancestor deck had I believe forty Majors!) There are still a few different debates ongoing today about variations in card order and elemental attributions. 

But don’t think that debates over meaning are restricted to a modern audience! I have a translation of two Renaissance essays from very nearly the same time in history, Francesco Piscina’s Discorso sopra l’ordine delle figure dei tarocchi/Discourse on the orders of the figures of Tarot (1565), and an anonymous Discorso perche fosse trovato il giuoco et particolarmente quello del Tarocco/A Discourse on why game-playing, and Tarot in particular, was invented (dated to the mid-1560s). These are two of the very first (existent) texts that we have which give the authors’ opinions as to the meaning of the trumps. Even if we omit the fact that each author is working from a different set of Majors, their interpretations of the symbols that their decks have in common are markedly different. Piscina finds so little merit in one interpretation some people held of the fool that, according to him, “those people are grossly wrong.”

Basically, there’s been debate over the meanings of tarot cards and their order pretty much since the cards came into existence. And while the Marseilles deck is the ancestor to our idea of what a tarot deck should be, there are still plenty of branches and offshoots in the deck’s family tree. Thus, there’s no One True Tarot deck, and so there’s no One True Set of Meanings, which ultimately means that there’s no One True Way of Tarot. 

Ultimately, tarot and its study is a journey, one that is slightly (or greatly!) different for each person. Although there’s a wealth of research and information to take in, it’s much healthier and more beneficial in the long run to approach tarot research and study with the idea of finding what works for you. Try different perspectives and techniques on for a while. Maybe they fit. Great! Adopt them into your practice. But maybe they don’t work. That’s okay, too. Maybe it’s time to do more research, or to find out how other practitioners do things. Surround yourself with a positive, supportive tarot community. 

Tarot is so much more than a bunch of memorized meanings and attributions. It’s a beautifully dynamic, symbolic way to explore the world, our place in it, relationships, and our Selves. In order to use this tool well, we’ve got to let go of that fear of getting tarot “wrong”, of the idea that card meanings are set in stone, and of the idea that there’s only one correct way to practice tarot. It’s when we fully embrace the validity of our own individual experiences, in all of their good or bad (or both!) that we really unlock the cards’ ability to speak to and with us. 

YOU are an integral part of your tarot practice. Your experiences are relevant, not only to yourself but to others within the community. Whether you’re new to tarot practice or have been a veteran for many years, I challenge you to go and try something new with your cards, something you never thought you would do. Play with your cards. Use multiple decks in a spread. Mix oracle cards into your spreads. Make up a spread for a fictional character. Read for a “silly” question. Find something else that feels off the wall to you, and try it.

Maybe it will work for you. Maybe it won’t. But whether it ultimately fits into your practice or not, it will help you let go of what I call “tarot perfectionism”, the idea that there’s only one way. There are just as many paths and nuances to tarot practice as there are practitioners, and that’s a huge part of what makes tarot such an awesome tool!

[placetobenation]

“The revolutionary force for over 50 years in sports entertainment” was a clever tag line used in the mid 90s before every WWF show. For most United States wrestling fans that are still alive, it is a way of life. Greater by the day is the lack of variance in the answer of what wrestling an individual grew up on. For better or worse, WWE has been the standard bearer. Throughout that rich history, performers ranging from Nature Boys to Undertakers have graced the squared circle. Foreign legends have had extended runs and some of the most iconic figures in pro wrestling history have been aces of the promotion reaching unequivocal mainstream pop culture heights in the world of wrestling.

With such a large history to play with, discovering the beauty of Bob Backlund’s charisma or the connection of Bruno Sammartino to the MSG crowd was a new development throughout this project similar to rewatching The Godfather and On the Waterfront to rediscover the genius of Marlon Brando. WWE may not have always been YOUR promotion but for the better part of 50 years, it was THE promotion in the United States and transformed the pro wrestling landscape. This project serves to praise the individuals that best helped shape the vision of Vince McMahon Sr. and Jr. Place to be Nation is proud to present to you a ranking of the Greatest WWE Wrestlers Ever.

– Chad Campbell

Note: Results of this list are based on 118 ballots received between May and December 2017. Voters were asked to submit their list of the 100 Greatest WWE Wrestlers of all time and consider only their WWWF/WWF/WWE career. Ties were broken based on 1) number of ballots a wrestler appeared on and 2) high vote. 

Every wrestler who received at least one vote will be recognized in the coming weeks. Please stay tuned to Place to Be Nation as we reveal all of the honorable mentions right through the cream of the crop. Read the other installments, both written and audio, of this project here.

124. D-Von Dudley Total Points: 877 Total Ballots: 32 Average Rank: 75.6 High Vote: 34 Low Vote: 99 High Voter: Jason Fastcade

Key Matches & Moments: Broke through with a tables match with the Hardy Boyz at Royal Rumble 2000; Won the WWF Tag team Championships for the first time at No Way Out 2000 defeating the New Age Outlaws; Testified; Was part of the three amazing ladder/TLC matches with Edge & Christian and The Hardy Boyz (WM 2000, SummerSlam 2000, WM X7); Testified; Joined the ALLIANCE and were important figures in the inaugural brawl at Invasion 2001; Was shoved aroiund the ring by his larger/louder brother; Found religion and introduced Batista to the WWF; Murdered Paul Bearer; Was part of a wild brawl to main event One Night Stand 2005

Staff Thoughts: The Dudley Boys were one of the most over acts the company had during the Attitude Era and their matches with Edge and Christian and the Hardy Boyz rank among some of the best in WWE history. What they may have lacked in technical skills they more than made up for with their huge trademark spots. The “Waaaaasssssup” drop and “D-Von getting tables” are about as over spots as you can have in professional wrestling. And yet both he and Bubba were able, and brave enough, to leave those behind to become despicable heels. Were the Dudley Boyz stale near the end? Absolutely. Was Reverend D-Von a raging success? Absolutely not. But these guys still get a monster reaction whenever they show up, DESPITE being involved in match where Paul Bearer was murdered by cement.

From the Voters: “Outside chance. One half of one of the most impactful tag teams of all time, and had enough singles matches to warrant at least low end consideration.” – Ben Morse, May 30, 2017

“Has a slither of a chance, though would be below Bubba (even though I personally prefer him to Bubba). Did lots of memorable stuff, and felt like a main event-level act at a time when the company was not short on those. Staled quickly though.” – Adam Russell, July, 2017

123. Sherri Martel Total Points: 931 Total Ballots: 29 Average Rank: 68.9 High Vote: 22 Low Vote: 93 High Voter: Bret Hart

Key Matches & Moments: Won the WWF Women’s title from the Fabulous Moolah in her debut match (July 24th 1987); Was part of the excellent women’s Survivor Series Match at the ppv of the same name in 1987; Held the women’s title for 15 months before shamefully dropping it to Rockn’ Robin; Joined forces with Randy Savage to form a duo more powerful Hulkamania; Cut a fantastic promo with Savage and Zeus around a cauldron; Cut another in fron of a steel cage in prep for the No Holds Barred PPV where she continually screamed “YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE I AM!!!”; Teamed with Savage to fight the Polka Dot Menace and Dusty Rhodes at WrestleMania VI; Through a bizarre error of succession was crowned Queen of the world; Turned on Randy Savage at WrestleMania VII which led to perhaps the most emotional moments in company history; Fell in love with Shawn Michaels; Recorded Sexy Boy and to prove there’s no justice in the world was not immediately given a recording contract; Fainted multiple times as Rick Martel and Shawn Michaels had the temerity to punch each other in the face; Was smashed in the head with a heart shaped mirror pretty good; Had a hot catfight with Luna Vachon and Rob Bartlett on an early Raw

Staff Thoughts: There are few things that scream wrestling (or scream anything for that matter) quite like the Sensational Sherri. Everything about her was legit. Tough as nails in the ring, a solid screeching promo and if you need to get a guy over to the next level you stuck em with the Sensational one. Her work as an in-ring competitor is solid enough on its own but her work as a second makes her a next level competitor. Look at who she managed: Savage. Dibiase, Michaels; all successful acts already ACTUALLY ENHANCED by having Martel with them. One of the things that impressed the most was how seamlessly she flowed between characters: you can’t get much more different than a screaming witch and a love sick girl and Sherri played both to a tee. Yes it was weird that she was in love with both Shawn Michaels and brother Rick but it was the nineties! A different time. Nirvana was running rampant and The Humpty Dance was taking the west by storm. Who are we to judge who she should or shouldn’t grab by the biscuit? It’s shocking looking back and seeing REAL AMERICAN Hulk Hogan beating her up, but when you think about it, you KNOW he was gentle with her, lest he face her wrath backstage. 

From the Voters: “I have her as a lock for the top half. Not super top half but she was so awesome in her role. Like the Brain before her, often better than the wrestlers in a match.” – Gool Ol’ Will From Texas, June 2, 2017

“Sherri is awesome. I wonder if she had any good matches as Women’s Champ? All-time great manager. Tremendous bumper. Lots of fun segments & great moments. I feel like she has to make my list based on everything outside of workrate. She’ll probably make it. Not that high, but she’s in consideration.” – Devon Motivator Hales, June 2, 2017

122. Harley Race Total Points: 945 Total Ballots: 39 Average Rank: 76.7 High Vote: 21 Low Vote: 100 High Voter: Nate Milton

Key Matches & Moments: Was crowned King of Wrestling upon his reappearance to the promotion in 1986; With Adrian Adonis and Randy Savage had an excellent house show six man tag against Roddy Piper, Junkyard Dog and Ricky Steamboat in early 1987; Beat no good liar Junkyard Dog to kneel after beating him soundly at WrestleMania III, the fact that he didn’t bow is a travesty of justice still unanswered to the day; Fought for the entirety of the 1987 Slammy Awards with Hacksaw Jim Duggan; Had the living shit beat out of him on a March 1988 edition of Saturday Night’s Main Event by a ravenous Hulk Hogan; Finally put the question of lineage to bed in a solid match with Haku at the 1989 Royal Rumble

Staff Thoughts: Yes he had the couple of matches with Bob Backlund in the 70s but COME ON we all know Harley Race either as the perennial NWA champion or the god damn King of the WWF. Harley’s perm was never put out of place by that crown. NOT ONCE. His LJN wrestling figure was the pits, not only are his hands tucked into his tights but that coat was waaaaaaay to cumbersome and broke waaaaay to many toy rings. His run was short in the WWF mostly due to the fact that he was winding down his career, but despite that still produced a handful of fun matches and memorable angles. And his bumping… a fucking spot monkey bump machine! Was Hulk Hogan putting him through the table the first table spot on WWF TV? We’re not setting out to offend anyone but if you’re one of these people who cheer JYD for not bowing, you have no place in civilized society. We wouldn’t have King Bookah without Harley Race you monsters.

From the Voters: “Real good chance Harley makes my list. As I mentioned in a reply above, I really enjoyed the matches he had with Hogan. I also really love the way he sells. He makes every move look like it hurts like hell. A major knock on him is that he was around for a short period of time and that his best work was elsewhere.” – Matt Souza, May 29, 2017

“My biggest regret is voting for Harley Race in the GWE. He is so infuriating to watch, zero psychology. However, that Hogan Texas Death Match is not only the greatest Hogan match of all time, it is the best Harley match of all time (yes I have seen the Baba and Jumbo matches fromo 1979). Based on the strength of that one match, he makes it.” – Martin Boulevard, November 14, 2017

121. Alberto Del Rio Total Points: 975 Total Ballots: 42 Average Rank: 71.5 High Vote: 14 Low Vote: 98 High Voter: Trust Issues

Key Matches & Moments: Upon debut in 2010 had a solid feud with Rey Mysterio; Won the 2011 Royal Rumble in an uninspiring outing; Came up short in said Royal Rumble victory title shot against Edge in a solid outing at WrestleMania XXVII; Won the 2011 RAW Money In The Bank after tearing Rey Mysterio’s face off; Cashed in the MITB against CM Punk thus ruining SummerSlam 2011; Had an excellent encounter losing the title back to Punk in MSG at Survivor Series 2011; Feuded with Sheamus to mixed results throughout 2012; Won the World Heavyweight Title as a babyface from the Big Show to close out 2012; At Payback 2013 had a TREMENDOUS match with Dolph Ziggler, kicking him so many times in the head he turned himself heel; Walked to the ring at SummerSlam 2013 with two black eyes thus confirming the fact that he needed to fight his way to the building that evening; Underrated gem with Christian at SummerSlam 2013; Was an important part of the first every Andre the Giant Battle Royale at WrestleMania XXX; Returned after a hiatus in late 2015 and kicked John Cena into oblivion; Had a solid feud with Kalisto to round out his WWE Career in 2016

Staff Thoughts: When you get right down to it, Alberto Del Rio has a TON of good to very good matches throughout his fivish years career. He gets knocked a bit for winning the 40 man Rumble but can you really blame the guy when they bring him in at 38? Is it his fault that they chose to keep the title on Edge at WrestleMania XXVII? His character work was bang on from the start and his use of Ricardo Rodriguez as a personal ring announcer was sublime. His double turn with Dolph Ziggler is one of, if not THE purest double turns the company has ever done. It was accomplished entirely within the body of the match and based solely on Del Rio’s ring work and waaaaaay above average striking game. We tend to forget how great he could be when given the opportunity. His match with Christian is amazing, but it’s on a card with Danial Bryan vs. John Cena and CM Punk vs. Brock Lesnar; Had Cesaro not bodyslammed Big Show out of the Battle Royale we may be talking about how Alberto helped hold that entire thing together. He was an above average worker capable of great heights but hampered with shoddy booking. Almost as though they didn’t always know what to do with this Mexican bad ass and his actual pushes tended to come a weird times. His face music still brings a smile to our faces, it’s a party! A party where guys get kicked in the head! He should have kicked whoever paired him with Zeb Coulter in the brain.

From the Voters: “He actually has a lot of good matches, and I loved the initial push and character. Was never the same after losing his title match in the Mania opener at Mania 27. In general I think he’s really short on big moments, and he was a bust as a top guy you could believe in. He is also hurt by the fact that a lot of his better matches were obscured by even better matches on the same shows. I can’t dismiss him, but he’s almost impossible to get excited about despite a solid resume of kayfabe accomplishments and lots of very good matches. He just felt like a huge after thought so often.” – Dylan Hales, July 7, 2017

“Thst stomp finisher was the worst. All the while his “kick to the fucking head” finisher was right there.” – Aaron George, May 31, 2017

120. Ken Shamrock Total Points: 978 Total Ballots: 42 Average Rank: 77.7 High Vote: 32 Low Vote: 100 High Voter: El Groino

Key Matches & Moments: Refereed the Bret Hart vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin match from WrestleMania 13; In the main event 10-man classic match at Canadian Stampede; Challenged both Bret Hart on Raw and Shawn Michaels at D-Generation-X for the WWF Title in his first year; Feuded with the Rock over the IC title losing to him at the Royal Rumble and having a victory reversed at WrestleMania XIV; Won the 1998 King of the Ring tournament; Feuded with Owen Hart in real fun Dungeon and Lion’s Den matches; Won the vacant IC title defeating X-Pac in the tournament finals; Joined The Corporation and won the Tag Team titles with Big Boss Man, making him a double champion; Was part of the convoluted four-way match and feud revolving around “sister” Ryan Shamrock for the IC Title at WrestleMania XV; Rescued Stephanie McMahon from the Ministry of Darkness earning Vince’s gratitude until it was revealed it was HIM ALL ALONG; Split from the Corporate Ministry and joined the Union, feuding with the Undertaker; Had a Lion’s Den Match with Steve Blackman at SummerSlam 1999

Staff Thoughts: His first two PPV matches were all-time classics (OK, so he was a referee and one part of a 10-man tag, but still.) He was part of the Corporation AND the Union (or UPYOURS at Foley tried so hard to make a thing in his promo). Ken Shamrock always felt like a really necessary if not vital part of a roster, the guy who never looks out of place and can have feuds with anyone in the upper mid-card range. He was a good robotic heavy goon for the Corporation. He was overshadowed by the Rock’s personality in their feud, but most get overshadowed by The Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment (eventually). The matches with Owen Hart were pretty good, for the World’s Most Dangerous Man, too. Not a good promo and that likely limited how far he could go with WWF at the time. Check out this FYC podcast as the guys discuss Shamrock.

From the Voters: “I think he has a decent enough body of acceptable matches even if there isn’t one standout. My issue is he was such a bad promo.” – Jordan Duncan, May 30, 2017

“Ken could be on the outside looking in. The lack of promo skills hurt any push he might of gotten. He had the look of a potential WWF champion, but I think he was in the wrong era for him to succeed. With big characters and better promo guys his growth was stunted.” – Matt Rotella, May 30, 2017

119. King Kong Bundy Total Points: 999 Total Ballots: 47 Average Rank: 79.7 High Vote: 38 Low Vote: 99 High Voter: Jesse

Key Matches & Moments: Debuted as a dominant monster heel insisting on a five-count for a pin; Defeated S.D. Jones in “nine seconds” at the first WrestleMania; Originally managed by Jimmy Hart but soon joined the Heenan Family and began teaming with Big John Studd feuding with Andre the Giant and a variety of partners; Attacked Hulk Hogan during his match with Don Muraco on Saturday Night’s Main Event, splashing and avalanching Hulk; Main evented WrestleMania 2 losing in a cage match to Hogan; Reformed his tag team with Studd and feuded with The Machines and receiving title shots against the British Bulldogs; Squashed midgets in the six-man match at WrestleMania III; Wrestled Hogan on back to back SNME winning one by countout; Returned in 1994 as part of the Million Dollar Corporation; Faced the Undertaker in a dreadful match at WrestleMania XI

Staff Thoughts: King Kong Bundy was a major player in the first three WrestleManias, with his “record” win, main event against Hulk Hogan and memorably flattening midgets (OK that may not have been major, but certainly was memorable). The match with Hogan was better than given credit for. He also had a monster heel tag team with Big John Studd, a unit featured in some big matches. However, that return and god-awful match against Undertaker at WrestleMania has to be held against him in some form or fashion. The guys talk more about Bundy on this FYC podcast.

From the Voters: “He is one who had the total package for a big man. He was a big man who sold well against others. Plus, he squashed midgets at Wrestlemania, what more could one ask for??” – Jeffrey Thomas, May 30, 2017

“Bundy is remembered for being involved in one of the greatest Wrestlemania moments of all time according to Scott Criscuolo when he crushed Little Beaver. Plus he had a good run with Hogan leading to his Steel Cage match with Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania II. But, to me he is not one of the better big guys in WWF History and think he will miss out on the top 1100.” – Matt Rotella, May 30, 2017

118. Big E Langston Total Points: 1,000 Total Ballots: 52 Average Rank: 81.8 High Vote: 45 Low Vote: 100 High Voter: Taylor Keahey

Key Matches & Moments: Defeated Seth Rollins in a No-DQ match to win the NXT Championship; Aligned himself with AJ Lee and Dolph Ziggler, teaming with Ziggler to challenge Team Hell No for the Tag Team Titles at WrestleMania XXIX; Teamed with Lee losing to Kaitlyn and Ziggler at SummerSlam 2013; Won the IC Title defeating Curtis Axel and holding the belt for nearly six months; Competed in the Andre the Giant battle royal at WrestleMania XXX; Feuded with Rusev, including a very good match at Payback 2014; Formed the New Day with Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods, challenging for the Tag Team Championships at WrestleMania 31; Turned heel and won the Tag Team Championship from Tyson Kidd and Cesaro at Extreme Rules 2015; Competed in the first ever Tag Team Elimination Chamber match; Lost their titles to the Prime Time Players at Money in the Bank, but regained them at SummerSlam 2015 in a fatal four-way; Unsuccessfully answered John Cena’s U.S. Open Championship in October 2015; Came out of a box of Booty O’s to face the League of Nations at WrestleMania 32; New Day captained the Raw team for the 10-man tag at Survivor Series 2016; Held the championship for 483 days breaking the record set by Demolition before losing the titles to Sheamus and Cesaro; New Day hosted WrestleMania 33; Moved to SmackDown as part of the Superstar Shakeup and won the SmackDown Tag Team titles from the Usos at Battleground 2017; Feuded with the Usos and had very good matches at the SummerSlam pre-show and Hell in a Cell; Langston is a two-time Raw Tag Team Champion, a two-time SmackDown Tag Team champion, a former NXT Champion and former IC Champion

Staff Thoughts: Big E had a solid IC title reign and a good feud with Rusev, including the match mentioned at Payback. And that’s all before his run with New…Day…Rocks! New…Day…Rocks! And they certainly wouldn’t rock as much without Big E carrying a lot of the load in the matches. While the team was often more character-driven, their feud this year with the Usos produced excellent matches at SummerSlam and Hell in a Cell. And breaking Demolition’s record is a huge gold star for the team and Big E.

From the Voters: “That ppv match with Rusev was pretty fun. If you factor in his NXT run, keep in mind he was a former IC champ, and then recall that he’s part of the longest tag-title reign in a 50 year history, co-hosted a WM, and moves more merch as part of the New Day than almost anyone else on the roster, he’s a very strong candidate.” – James Proffitt, May 29, 2017

“It’s weird that for a guy who has been around since what, 2012? We’re still kind of waiting for his career to start. He’s a “not yet” guy, even though he’s been around for 5 years already. Strange case. Great in his role in New Day though.” – Stacey O’Loughlin, May 31, 2017

117. Jacques Rougeau Total Points: 1,039 Total Ballots: 39 Average Rank: 74.4 High Vote: 34 Low Vote: 100 High Voter: John D’Amato

Key Matches & Moments: Teamed with Brother Raymond to form the Fabulous Rougeau Brothers; Fought in the first ever match at a SummerSlam going to a draw with the British Bulldogs in what may have been the match of the night; Beat up the Dynamite Kid backstage in something most insiders like to call JUSTICE; Petitioned to become American citizens and with the help of Jimmy Hart became an All American Boy; Won a Grammy for a song of the same title (well deserved); Made a smooth transition from blue trunks to sweet blue and yellow bike shorts; Joined the RCMP to the chagrin of the actual RCMP; Shouted his name many, many times; Was positively amazing in the jailhouse match against the Big Boss Man at SummerSlam 91, his post match theatrics are the stuff of legend; They wanted the finger so he gave them a finger; Made love to a lovely man decked out in leather that same night; DEFEATED BRET HART FOR THE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE!!! In early 1992, lost said title to Roddy Piper in a great moment during the 1992 Royal Rumble; Returned in 1993 and won the tag team titles from the Steiner Brothers with partner Pierre; The Quebecers had a stellar match with Bret and Owen Hart at the 1994 Royal Rumble; The Quebecers produced hands down the greatest theme song ever sung by wrestlers about themselves.

Staff Thoughts: Look at who this man beat for titles! It makes no god damn sense. Jacques Rougeau was possibly the best smiling heel of all time; he would start every match with the biggest shit eating grin and outstretched hand; it was beautiful. A consistently solid in-ring guy it was no surprise that he was kept around seemingly forever even after the retirement of his brother Raymond. A slightly underrated promo guy who was capable of genuine comedy when the situation called for it. The Mountie should have failed. It was dumb. But Jacques screamed his damn name until we knew that he was in fact THE MOUNTIE! The Quebecers should have been laughed at out of the promotion, but they got their man! The image of them screaming at each other in french as they attempt to suplex Mable at WrestleMania X would bring a smile to the most jaded of wrestling fan. Rougeau was a throwback. A great tag worker who used his unique personality and strange acting skills to bump his way into our hearts.

From the Voters: “I want to dismiss him, but I do think his versatility and sneaky longevity make him someone to think about. He was in two very memorable tag teams that were very different stylistically. While he was much better as a heel, he and Ray were by no means a bad babyface team. The Rockers feud was good and had a great heater angle. Quebecers were a very good team for the era, though Jacques wasn’t the reason to watch the team. The Mountie gimmick was over as a heel. And I remember the stun gun angle being hot at the time. He was great at getting heat in every iteration. I’ve never been a fan, but he’s an interesting case” – Dylan Hales, June 30, 2017

“Makes it for me although likely as a near the bottom of the list guy. Former IC and Tag Champion and really made the Mountie gimmick work and got more longevity out of it then I think most would’ve as it was basically just created for the sole intention of providing a foil for Bossman. Also very entertaining and funny both in the ring on the mic. Not that it really matters but he also might have the best collection of entrance themes ever. Rougeau Brother, Mountie(2nd one anyway), and Quebecer themes were all awesome.” – Wade Ferrari, May 31, 2017

116. Jeff Jarrett Total Points: 1,047 Total Ballots: 43 Average Rank: 76.7 High Vote: 38 Low Vote: 96 High Voter: Trust Issues

Key Matches & Moments: Wore many suspenders; While in those suspenders (and a thick headband) helped murder the Undertaker at Royal Rumble 1994; Defeated Razor Ramon to win the Intercontinental title at Royal Rumble 1995; ”Sang” with my Baby Tonight; Had far and away his best match in the promotion against Shawn Michaels at In Your House #2; Fought Ahmed Johnson in a joyless affair at the 1996 Royal Rumble; Returned to the promotion in late 1997 and cut many bizzare shoot promos; Time traveled to early Central America to get his new tights; After all the bitching and moaning about his old character, he then rode a horse to the ring while Tennessee Lee spelt his name; Lost a fun hair versus hair match to X-Pac at the 1998 SummerSlam; Won the Tag Team Titles in early 1999 with partner Owen Hart and ran the divison for a few months; Defeated the Godfather to become the Intercontinental champion in May of 1999; Started beating women; Got his clock cleaned by Chyna in his final WWF appearance.

Staff Thoughts: There are few wrestlers as divisive as Jeff Jarrett. We will never forget how to spell his name but it’s certainly hard to get behind a character when you’re constantly told his motivation is to USE the WWF to get into country music. What kind of a moron uses wrestling to get into something else? The most successful guys who springboarded out of wrestling were Hulk Hogan who made No Holds Barred and Roddy Piper who made that god-awful music video. While a solid worker, there was always something a little phony in his work. Perhaps it was because that despite being closer to a cruiserweight he worked more of a big-man brawling style. Perhaps it was the 75 struts per match. Regardless, Double J was very memorable early on, and was strong enough to transition from comedy suspender guy to serious woman beater within a matter of months. His HUGE moments and matches may have been few and far between but you KNOW that when he nailed Moolah with that guitar, Wendi Richter pumped her fist and screamed “Take that you Spider Bitch!” So there’s that… Ha Haaaaaa!

From the Voters: “I am a Double J apologist, as Nick constantly reminds me. I thought he was a very good worker at a time when those were rare in the fed. He was never Bret or Shawn, but he was right in that next tier as a guy who could have a **1/2 or better match with most people on the roster. He was almost always over as a heel, threw great working punches, had an extremely successful character shift in 98 (after several failed ones, granted), and I happened to enjoy his woman-hating heel character, one that actually didn’t embarrass wrestling fans because most of us booed him.“ – Greg Phillips, June 1, 2017

115. Billy Gunn Total Points: 1,067 Total Ballots: 46 Average Rank: 77.8 High Vote: 43 Low Vote: 100 High Voter: Brad Faulk

Key Matches & Moments: Teamed with storyline brother Bart as the Smoking Gunns; Won the Tag Team titles against Bob Holly and the 1-2-3 Kid and holding them until WrestleMania XI when they lost them to Owen Hart and Yokozuna, before regaining them a second time; After forfeiting the titles the Gunns won them from the Godwinns when Sunny turned on the pig farmers in favor of the Gunns; Would lose the belts to Owen Hart and Davey Boy Smith causing Sunny to abandon the Gunns and Billy to break up the team; Defeated Flash Funk at WrestleMania 13 catching the eye of the Honky Tonk Man, who made him his protege Rockabilly; Gunn turned on Honky joining forces with the Road Dogg to form the New Age Outlaws; Feuded with the LOD winning the Tag Team Titles before moving on to Mankind and Chainsaw Charlie, who they locked in a dumpster and threw off a stage before facing in a dumpster match at WrestleMania XIV; Joined DX on the night after WrestleMania XIV; Won the Hardcore championship despite being involved in a multi-man feud for the IC Title, putting him in the Hardcore Title match at WrestleMania XV, because Swervz; Left DX to become “Mr. Ass” and won the 1999 King of the Ring tournament; Feuded with the Rock resulting in him losing a “Kiss My Ass” match at SummerSlam 1999; Reunited the NAO winning their fourth tag team titles and reforming DX; Lost the rights to use “Mr. Ass” in a match with Chyna against Right to Censor, so settled on “The One” Billy Gunn; Won the IC title from Eddie Guerrero and lost it to Chris Benoit; Formed the Billy & Chuck tag team with Chuck Palumbo, winning the Tag Team Titles from Spike Dudley and Tazz and introducing their personal stylist Rico; Chuck proposed to Billy and a wedding was set for SmackDown, only to have Billy and Chuck call off the whole thing calling it a publicity stunt and getting beaten up by Three Minute Warning; Returned to the WWE in 2012 with Road Dogg and won the Tag Team titles against Goldust and Cody Rhodes at the 2014 Royal Rumble pre-show; Teamed with Kane and Dogg to face The Shield at WrestleMania XXX; Reformed DX to aid Triple H in his match vs. Sting at WrestleMania 31; Gunn is a 10-time World Tag Team champion, a one-time WWE Tag Team Champion; a two-time Hardcore Champion and a one-time IC Champion

Staff Thoughts: He’s an Ass Man, and man is he an ass of a performer. OK, he had three solid tag team runs with three very different teams. Some like the Smoking Gunns, who had decent matches, but were mostly the best of a bad lot in the tag division at the time. The New Age Outlaws were one of the most over acts in one of the hottest time periods for the company. They were fresh and over both before joining DX and as part of the stable, Gunn’s primary contribution to the team was telling people who weren’t down with sucking it to suck it. He then went on to win the 1999 King of the Ring tournament, making “Billy Gunning” into a verb. It was not a compliment. He went on to feud with The Rock in possibly his best match ever, which ended with his face in a rather large woman’s ass. The Billy & Chuck wedding angle was a big deal earning praise from LGBT groups, who clearly never watched wrestling and didn’t realize it would end how all wrestling weddings end: badly. Overall, Gunn has been involved in tons of significant groups teams and storylines. He’s been a big part of WWE during his particularly long tenure and they JUST…KEEP…BRINGING…HIM…BACK. But I digress, while he may not have always been a particularly good part of the story, he was definitely a big part of the story of WWE, nonetheless.

From the Voters: “His strength is longevity. Failed as a singles performer at every turn. Good tag worker. Silly Attitude Era gimmick in 99. That’s gotta be the worst Rock feud ever. The Chyna alliance stunk too. Too much bad, not enough good. Not gonna make it.” – Devon Motivator Hales, June 2, 2017

“Always been a Billy Gunn fan for some reason. One half of my favorite Teams of all time in the New Age Outlaws. Didn’t mind the attempt to make him a singles guy in 1999 even if it didn’t work out. Also can’t forget his run with the Smoking Gunns and later on with Chuck Palumbo. I think i might include him.” – Jay HInchey, May 28, 2017

114. John Morrison Total Points: 1,084 Total Ballots: 37 Average Rank: 71.70 High Vote: 42 Low Vote: 98 High Voter: Chad Campbell; Vince Male

Key Matches & Moments: WAS TOUGH ENOUGH!; Formed MNM with Joey Mercury and Melina and immediately became stalwarts of the Smackdown tag division; Were consistently a highlight throughout most of 2005 and 2006; Won the WWE Tag Team Titles in their Smackdown debut against Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio; Had the only bearable match at December to Dismember when MNM took on The Hardy Boyz, by bearable we mean excellent; Was very strong in the multiple team ladder match the next month at Aemageddon 06; Had another excellent outing with The Hardy Boyz at Royal Rumble 2007; Subbed for a murderer at Night Of Champions 2007 to win the ECW title against CM Punk; Their subsequent feud gave us a bevy of very good matches; Teamed up with The Miz and took the world by storm with their matches and Dirt Sheet segments; Had very strong feuds with Rey Mysterio, Jeff Hardy and Sheamus; His ladder match with Sheamus at TLC 2010 is excellent as was his falls count anywhere match with Miz from Raw around the same time; Teamed with Snooki and Trish Stratus to defeat Dolph Ziggler and LayCool at WrestleMania 27; Was a major part of the Extreme Rules 2011 triple threat cage match with John Cena and Miz

Staff Thoughts: When we think of greatest wrestlers to have never won the WWF/E world title our minds usually go to Mr. Perfect, Owen Hart and Rick Rude but they should also pause a moment on John Morrison as well. The guy had it all: looked like an absolute STAR, still does actually, had fun and exciting matches and was OVER. His tag team pedigree is very strong. MNM is potentially a top ten team in company history and Miz & Morrison, while not as technically proficient, were nearly a main event act by the time they split. His singles run is littered with very good matches throughout as he was one of the more consistent in ring guys whether it be on PPV or TV. His moves looked crisp and if you could get past the fact that Michael Cole screamed parkour every six seconds, he really did move like no one else. Yes Starship Pain looked like a feather hitting someone but we’re in a post People’s Elbow world where the style of the finish is waaaaay more important than the impact. His weak point was clearly his promos but he also strikes us as a guy that probably shouldn’t have needed to be cutting promos to begin with. He was interesting enough on his own. In the end he brought something new and unique to every match he was in. No one else ever climbed the Elimination Chamber like Spider Man and splashed Sheamus from the top; SPEAKING of Spider Man, his near elimination where he jumped to the barrier and clung on like the webbed wonder is STILL one of the best near eliminations the Royal Rumble has seen. Kofi Kingston be damned, Morrison invented that act, along with TONS of other stuff and his contributions, while often forgotten are still felt today. You can bet if he walked back into the company today he would slide into the main event as Batista slid into bed beside his girlfriend. What a stupid reason not to push a guy. Especially a guy who had abs for daaaaaaaaaays!

From the Voters: “This guy can suck a fuck. I’d rather have Kofi as my perennial midcarder with shitty “exciting offence”. At least Kofi had more charisma than a plank of wood. To be fair, I did enjoy MNM, and I did like the idea behind the John Morrison character initially. And he has a handful of very good singles matches (vs Miz, vs Sheamus). But his offence sucks, his selling sucks, and his promos suck.” – Adam Russell, July 17, 2017

“Morrison vs Rey is one of my favourite ever matches. He’s got a load of good stuff from his singles run (vs Bourne, vs Miz, vs Punk, vs Edge, vs Jeff, etc.) and a great tag run on top of that. Comfortable inclusion. One of the worst promos ever though, sadly.” – Stacey O’Loughlin, May 30, 2017

113. Shane McMahon Total Points: 1,104 Total Ballots: 37 Average Rank: 71.1 High Vote: 39 Low Vote: 99 High Voter: Cody

Key Matches & Moments: ONE, TWO… MIDDLE FINGERS is still one of the better swerves the company has done; Won the European title from X-Pac on an early 1999 Raw; Surprised EVERYONE by having a fun, competitive match with X-Pac at WrestleMania XV; With Test had the best match at SummerSlam 1999 defending his sister’s honor; Got murdered by Steve Blackman at SummerSlam 2000, falling nearly 100 feet, if you believe the commentators; Fought his father in a classic brawl at WrestleMania 17; Rumbled with Kurt Angle in a cringe-inducing yet amazing contest at King Of The Ring 2001; Defended the honor of his mother against Eric Bischoff and then had a crazed SciFi soap opera feud with Kane; Fought Shawn Michaels at the return of Saturday Night’s Main Event in early 2006; Kissed his father’s ass as Vince rolled his arms in a “Oh yeah keep it coming motion” at WrestleMania 22; Was hilarious in those sketches with Vince McMahon in the church; Is undefeated against God; Tried to defend his family against Randy Orton in 2009 but punched him poorly; Returned in early 2016 to a MONSTER reaction; Has nearly died in each of his matches since

Staff Thoughts: Like the Charles Dickens classic, it really is a tale of two McMahons here. Is it the best of times? The feuds with X-Pac, Test, Vince and Kurt Angle? Or is it the worst of times? The feuds with Eric Bischoff, Kane, Randy Orton, The Undertaker or Kevin Owens. Are we watching someone with a need to leap and put everything on the line to hang with the wrestlers? Or are we watching Shane hang move for move with guys like Kurt Angle and AJ Styles? Few men have such a disparity between their best and worst work. Shane is a sloppy worker. His punches are awful and it times he looks like the fakest faker that ever faked. Then at other times he’s flying through the air with pure grace; doing a flying elbow to the corner or jumping up and nailing a guy with a STEEL chair. He’s just so hard to pin down. His older heel promos were fine. His weird speech pattern upon his 2016 return is strange. What hurts him the most is that he’s often put on par with the guys he faces, as opposed to say his father who gets the living shit beat out of him no matter WHO he faces. It was ridiculous that he could hang with Randy Orton during arguably Orton’s peak. Add to the fact that he’s involved in one of the more panned WrestleMania matches of recent years, the Hell In A Cell with Undertaker; and involved in some of the worst moments of all time, getting his nuts electrocuted by Kane, it’s not difficult to see why many would leave him off the list. His whole career seems to be a contradiction though so by the same token it’s easy to see why someone would include him. High end matches, memorable character, moved the needle upon his return. It makes sense. If nothing else he taught us about the importance of having a good fake glass guy.

From the Voters: “He might have been considered surprisingly strong for a McMahon most of whose wrestling was done during Attitude, but at this point he’s had back-to-back high-profile WrestleMania matches that were downright embarrassing to watch. In between he did some decent pandering GM schtick on weekly TV and nearly died at the Survivor Series. This, erm, does not help his case.” – Glenn Butler, June 2, 2017

“As a worker he’s better as a chickenshit heel hiding behind the Mean Street Posse. Shane McMahon: badass is a character that needs to die in a fire. “ – Adam Russell, July 19, 2017

112. Chyna Total Points: 1,104 Total Ballots: 38 Average Rank: 71.95 High Vote: 38 Low Vote: 100 High Voter: Jay Hinchey; Boss Rock

Key Matches & Moments: Debuted at In Your House: Final Four and choked Terri Runnels half to death; The next month at WrestleMania 13 shook the shit out of her; Gave Mick Foley the most painful thing that had ever happened to him by slamming the cage door into his head at SummerSlam 1997; Founded D-Generation X with Shawn Michaels, Triple H and Rick Rude; Low blowed many a man; Arranged for Mark Henry to have a sexual encounter with a transvestite; Was the first woman to compete the the Royal Rumble; Was briefly the number one contender for the WWF title in the summer of 1999; Defeated Jeff Jarrett at No Mercy 1999 to become the first woman to hold the Intercontinental title; Her matches with Chris Jericho at Survivor Series 1999 and Armageddon 1999 are probably the best of her career; Engaged in a tale as old as time romance with Eddie Guerrero; Competed for the women’s title and finally won it at WrestleMania X7

Staff Thoughts: Look don’t treat her like a woman. Despite the biology she stood toe to toe with most men in the promotion and never really felt out of place. There were some rough patches, but by the end she was more than holding her own and really did transcend her gender in a way no one else ever did. Don’t treat her like a man. Because she’s not a man. This fact alone really does make her quite the trailblazer. She broke many barriers that sadly few could also traverse. It can seen like we dismiss her influence due to the fact that her archetype didn’t breed future Japans, Mongolias or Cambodias to come into the promotion. There never was another woman quite like her, but it seems silly to assume she didn’t influence a large number of female wrestlers. Just treat her like you know her. All we REALLY know about her is how unique she was. Was she the greatest in ring technician? Nope. But tons of people on this list aren’t. She was certainly a better worker and more interesting at the time than guys like Mabel and Viscera, who were given a TON of TV time. In 1998, she was more over than most of the roster and all she did was moon the crowd once. Just treat her for who she aaaaaaaaaaaammmm! I still don’t understand that lyric but Chyna’s tale seems really tragic in retrospect. Had she maintained a better rapport with the company we’d surely have seen a few returns, a Hall of Fame induction and a recognition of her place in the industry: one of the more important female competitors of all time. Instead we have a short burst of greatness, followed by years of being ignored and then finally only being mentioned again once she had died. A shame. Chyna was cool and seemed like a genuinely decent person. We should remember the good moments: the matches with Jericho, getting pinned by Eddie Guerrero as he comforted her, that damn bazooka she brought to the ring. Remember she’s who finally got Triple H over.  Remember that moon.

To hear JT and Aaron discuss the case of Chyna check out this podcast

From the Voters: “If you’re including women on the list, I think you HAVE to find a place for Chyna. Name another woman not named Stephanie that had as much influence on WWF/E storylines for an extended period. Easily one of the most recognized stars from the company’s hottest period. Her work-rate was average at best…But considering this is a WWF/E list, you’re going to get a lot of people on it that were average in-ring and made up for it in other ways. Chyna’s one of the 5-10 most important women to ever work in this company, and she’d be a HOF’er if not for petty personal issues. I’d have her in that bottom-20 range… But she’s in.” – Nate Milton, July 12, 2017

“She may pass the non-wrestling fan test, but that’s hardly the only qualifier. She may get high marks in that aspect but not much else. Even when thinking of her high points, are any of them her moments alone? Usually involves a group of people.” – Jordan Duncan, May 28, 2017

111. Rusev Total Points: 1,105 Total Ballots: 43 Average Rank: 75.3 High Vote: 40 Low Vote: 100 High Voter: El Groino

Key Matches & Moments: Debuted on the main roster on the April 7, 2014 edition of Monday Night Raw, crushing Zack Ryder and starting a nearly year long undefeated streak; Had a solid feud with Big E Langston spanning Payback 2014 and Money in the Bank 2014; Had an excellent encounter with the Big Show at Hell in a Cell 2014; Had fun feuds and matches with Jack Swagger throughout his run; On November 3rd after Raw defeated Sheamus to become the WWE US Champion; At the 2015 Royal Rumble the crowd chanted WE WANT RUSEV, but in fairness that was because they had been shit on for the last hour; DEFEATED John Cena at Fastlane 2015; Drove a god damn TANK to the ring at WrestleMania 31; Gave Vince McMahon the best hug he’s ever had after splashing Roman Reigns through a table; WRENCHED Kalisto in half to win the US title back in 2016; Rusev Day… ALL of it

Staff Thoughts: Why in the HELL wasn’t RUSEV given the great Jinder Mahal push of 2017???? You want a great foreign heel? He’s right here! No one is mad at India! NO ONE. India is fine! Why not give a chance to a guy who has EXCELLED at everything they have put him in. Even the schlock. The League of Nations sucked… but Rusev kicked ass in it. His joy was palpable as he hung out with his lads and beat up the no good Americans he was facing. Sadly Rusev is a guy they just don’t know what to do with. He’s certainly on the list of guys whose career, as of yet anyways, hasn’t recovered from the “rub” of fighting John Cena. There are low moments like the Dolph Ziggler feud, but you can tell he was busting his ass to get over one of the dumber ideas in recent years. He’s a tremendous worker, whether in boots or barefoot, who is not afraid to take risks to create great little moments. Go back and watch his match with the Big Show and watch how he attempts to hear his heart before applying the accolade. Rusev is also an underrated promo. He can be the big scary heel but is just as comfortable being downright hilarious. There’s a vignette where he and Lana are talking about having cameras in their home; watch his face when he brags that the cameras pick up “everything”, it’s gold. Hopefully the company can come back around on the big guy. Not only from the perspective that he’s talented enough to be further up the card, but they give more time to guys they like. You give Rusev time and he’ll knock it out of the park. Every time. That’s why every day should be RUSEV DAY!

From the Voters: “Was on track to being one of the all-time greats before the Cena feud derailed him. Loved all his early matches, from Sheamus to Big E. Had a rebirth against Kalisto, but got sacrificed to Roman Reigns. They just don’t seem to know what to do with him if he’s anything less than unstoppable, which doesn’t give him a lot of depth. Dolph Ziegler feud was the nadir; not good at showing personality. High hopes his next push works.” – Ben Morse, June 2, 2017

“When I think about matches I WANT to see, Rusev is always a name that pops up. I want Rusev-Brock, Rusev-AJ, Rusev-Braun, etc.” – Jordan Duncan, June 2, 2017

110. Shelton Benjamin Total Points: 1,108 Total Ballots: 41 Average Rank: 74 High Vote: 24 Low Vote: 95 High Voter: Vince Male

Key Matches & Moments: With Charlie Haas formed Team Angle/World’s Greatest Tag Team and worked as excellent backup for Our Olympic hero; WGTT’s Judgment Day 2003 ladder war with Eddie Guerrero & Tajiri and their Vengeance 2003 matchup with Rey Mysterio and Billy Kidman were both spectacular; Jumped to RAW in 2004 and turned heads by scoring a pinfall win over Triple H and later beating Chris Jericho for the IC title; Owned the Money In the Bank ladder match at WrestleMania 21; Will forever be remembered for jumping into a superkick during the 2005 Gold Rush tournament; Had fun matches as part of the reformed WGTT in 2006, including a ladder bout with the Hardy Boyz; Became the Gold Standard and had a US Title run on Smackdown

Staff Thoughts: You’re at your cool friend’s house and he’s awesome. He has the best toys, he’s super creative and fun; you don’t think you’ve ever met anyone so great…t hen his mom shows up and busts a move and you NEVER look at him the same way again. Shelton Benjamin was awesome. A wonderful stalwart of the mid-card for many years and yet he can’t shake the stigma of his damn Mama. Even when he dyed his hair gold all you kept thinking was “his mama is going to whip his ass for that.” For a guy who was consistently rated among the most underrated in wrestling he really seemed to have a lot of success. Multiple Tag Team Titles, multiple mid-card championship reigns. One might even suggest that he overachieved. Not to take anything away from his in-ring ability but as a character he left a lot to be desired. Sure, not everyone has to be flashy, but if you can tell us who his character was without describing his physical appearnce or moveset we’ll fly to your home and hand deliver a bouquet of You’re Better Than Mes. And don’t say “A guy who ain’t stopping!” Shelton was a pleasure to watch, excelled in ladder matches and in the end had a really solid career. A welcome addition on ANY roster, so long as his mama lets him come play.

From the Voters: “He was a guy you kept waiting to blossom into something big but it never happened. His best showing was probably in the inaugural Money in the Bank Ladder Match. Don’t see him making my list.” – Brian Bayless, June 2, 2017

“Great worker who was saddled w/some terrible gimmicks. If he were a little bit bigger (and dare a say a few shades lighter), he could have had a comparable career to guys like Hennig or even benoit. But since he didn’t, he doesn’t make my list. I guess there was some stopping him (now).” – Nate Milton, July 13, 2017

109. (The Man They Call) Vader Total Points: 1,111 Total Ballots: 47 Average Rank: 77.4 High Vote: 30 Low Vote: 99 High Voter: Ian Goldsworthy

Key Matches & Moments: Debuted at the 1996 Royal Rumble and punched people into oblivion; The next night on Raw sent Gorilla Monsoon to the vet; CRUSHED Jake Roberts (among others) in the opening contest of WrestleMania XII; CRUMPLED Jake again at the 1996 King of the Ring; Scored a pinfall victory over then-champion Shawn Michaels during a six man tag at In Your House: International Incident; He and Michaels would have a great, yet gimmick ridden match at SummerSlam 1996; Had a PPV named after him and wasn’t included on the card; Fun sprint with Undertaker at Royal Rumble 1997; Was AWESOME in the IYH: Final Four main event, bleeding a gusher and carrying large portions of the contest; Was Ken Shamrock’s first ppv opponent at IYH: A Cold Day In Hell; Had a tremendous encounter with The Undertaker at IYH: Canadian Stampede; Vader bombed Goldust with Luna Vachon on his back at Royal Rumble 1998; Had no patience for Goldust in general; Was defeated by Kane at Over The Edge 1998 prompting him to declare himself a fat piece of shit

Staff Thoughts: If booked properly, we’re talking about one of the best big men in wrestling history as his run in WCW clearly showed us. Perhaps he came in a year too late, or even a year too early to the WWF; either way there was no way he was going to be given the ball for any extended period of time in 1996. Vader was a unique brand of big man, he could squash you like bug but could also sell his ass off and fly around the ring like a man half his size. His moves looked good, his punches looked legit, his punches WERE legit and Shawn Michaels should thank his lucky stars that Leon White is a decent person and didn’t decide to destroy him after his hissy fit in their main event. The less said about his return on 2005 the better but there’s absolutely no excuse why Vader isn’t already in the WWE Hall of Fame. It’s Time damnit!

From the Voters: “He likely won’t make my WWE list. His run was too short and too disappointing. It had some bright spots, but it was honestly a missed opportunity.” – Matthew Richards, June 15, 2017

“He’s a guy who’s stock is dropping the more I crunch the numbers. He still will probably make it, but he’s like the NCAA team that was really good until mid February and then the wheels start to come off but had enough early to still get them into the tournament.” – Brian Meyer, June 14, 2017

108. Tajiri Total Points: 1153 Total Ballots: 43 Average Rank: 74.2 High Vote: 30 Low Vote: 100 High Voter: Dave Musgrave

Key Matches & Moments: Excelled as William Regal’s innocent manservant; Helped Steve Austin through a very difficult time in his life; Defeated KANYON to win the WCW US title; Who betta? Tajiri betta!; Feuded with X-Pac over the respective Cruiserweight Titles; Forced Torrie Wilson to dress like a geisha; At Judgment Day 2003 won the WWE Tag Team Titles subbing for an injured Chavo Guerrero as Eddie Guerrero’s partner; Had an excellent match with Rey Mysterio at No Mercy 2003; Came back and had an impressive showing in the 2016 Cruiserweight Classic

Staff Thoughts: Tajiri is such an interesting case. Always way more over than his push, one of the best in-ring guys they’ve ever had, always credible due to his moveset and yet… if you look for his tippy top matches and moments there are very few to be found. He was a cornerstone of the cruiserweight division from 2001 to 2003, but sadly it was during a time where they seemed to be giving the guys less and less time with each passing PPV. His connection with the fans was astounding though. Perhaps moreso than any other Japanese competitor competing in the WWF, Tajiri understood what could be done with a subtle look and or movement. Vince Russo can say all he wants that foreigners can’t connect with the crowd but that just proves the fact that he didn’t watch a single Tajiri match in his life. He moved strangely, he acted strangely and his moveset… oh the moveset! The tarantula was awesome, the springboard flying elbow amazed every time. And those kicks. Right to the fucking head. You instantly believed he could beat ANYONE. You get hit with that kick you are done. Over. Point finale. One could only imagine how high he would have climbed had he been given the time.

From the Voters: “Though it’s hard to list lots of great matches, there was never a time where I thought I didn’t want to see a Tajiri performance. Even in throwaway bouts, he had a magnetism that made them still fun to watch, and HE was always worth watching. He’ll definitely place for me, could end up anywhere in the second half” – David Clare, June 4, 2017

“Good in the ring, fun character who can also go deadly serious. Had a longer run than you might think, hanging in there for about five years or so. Equally capable of playing the goofball babyface or the ruthless heel. He’s got a solid resume.” – Ben Morse, June 7, 2017

107. Jey Uso Total Points:1,183 Total Ballots: 38 Average Rank: 69.9 High Vote: 38 Low Vote: 99 High Voter: Martin Boulevard

Key Matches & Moments: Teamed with brother Jimmy and had an alliance with Tamina upon their debut in 2010, feuding with the Hart Dynasty; Challenged for the WWE Tag Team Titles in the pre-show of WrestleMania XXVIII; Feuded with The Shield and The Real Americans over the Tag Titles; Had a real fun match with the Shield on the Money in the Bank preshow; Helped Daniel Bryan from getting assaulted by The Shield, resulting in them being put into an 11-3 elimination match, where Jey became the first wrestler to pin Roman Reigns in WWE; Challenged Goldust and Cody Rhodes and The Shield at Hell in a Cell and teaming with Goldust, Rhodes and Rey Mysterio vs. The Shield and Real Americans at Survivor Series 2013; Defeated the New Age Outlaws for their first Tag Team Championship on Raw in March 2014; Successfully defended titles in a fatal-four-way on the WrestleMania XXX pre-show; Joined forces with John Cena in feuding with the Wyatt Family; Lost the titles after 202 days to Goldust and Stardust at Night of Champions 2014; Regained the tites from Miz and Mizdow before losing them to Tyson Kidd and Cesaro at Fastlane 2015; Competed in a fatal four way for the titles at the WrestleMania 31 pre-show; Jey injured his shoulder missing about six-months; Feuded with the New Day over the WWE Tag Team Championship and later the Dudley Boyz; Drafted to SmackDown and turned heel and lost to Heath Slater and Rhyno in the finals for the inaugural SmackDown Tag Team titles; Feuded with American Alpha defeating them for the SmackDown Tag Team Titles, becoming the first team to win both the Raw and SmackDown titles; Feuded with The New Day losing their titles after 124 days at Battleground and traded the titles back and forth; The matches with New Day were very good, in particular the Hell in a Cell match and the match at the SummerSlam pre-show; Defeated Sheamus and Cesaro at Survivor Series in an interpromotional match; The Usos are three-time SmackDown Tag Team champs and two-time Raw Tag Team champs and Kings of Day One Ish

Staff Thoughts: The Usos have been the standard bearers for the tag team division for years, always delivering solid performances, and sometimes delivering spectacular performances. Their feud with the New Day in 2017 was great with the SummerSlam and HIAC matches being highlights. They too are often are thrown into multi-team matches, making the match better, even if there is no feud to speak of. They appeared in the pre-show or WrestleMania six years in a row. With their longevity, string of good matches and recent run of high-end stuff, the Usos have a case for being an all-time great team. They seem to be continuing to improve if their last year is any indication. U and SO indeed.

From the Voters: “They’re a terrific, underrated tag team with a deeper resume of good matches than many teams. I’ll reserve judgment, but I think the lack of singles work and the lack of memorable moments hurts.” – Greg Phillips, June 1, 2017

“I wouldn’t have them in. I really enjoyed the Usos tag work in 2013-2014 but don’t view them as an all time great tag team. And when they wrestle the occasional singles match, I haven’t been incredibly impressed.” – Mike Eller, May 31, 2017

106. Jimmy Uso Total Points: 1,212 Total Ballots: 40 Average Rank: 70.7 High Vote: 37 Low Vote:  98 High Voter: Martin Boulevard

Key Matches & Moments: Teamed with brother Jey and had an alliance with Tamina upon their debut in 2010, feuding with the Hart Dynasty; Challenged for the WWE Tag Team Titles in the pre-show of WrestleMania XXVIII; Feuded with The Shield and The Real Americans over the Tag Titles; Had a real fun match with the Shield on the Money in the Bank preshow; Helped Daniel Bryan from getting assaulted by The Shield, resulting in them being put into an 11-3 elimination match, where Jey became the first wrestler to pin Roman Reigns in WWE; Challenged Goldust and Cody Rhodes and The Shield at Hell in a Cell and teaming with Goldust, Rhodes and Rey Mysterio vs. The Shield and Real Americans at Survivor Series 2013; Defeated the New Age Outlaws for their first Tag Team Championship on Raw in March 2014; Successfully defended titles in a fatal-four-way on the WrestleMania XXX pre-show; Joined forces with John Cena in feuding with the Wyatt Family; Lost the titles after 202 days to Goldust and Stardust at Night of Champions 2014; Regained the tites from Miz and Mizdow before losing them to Tyson Kidd and Cesaro at Fastlane 2015; Competed in a fatal four way for the titles at the WrestleMania 31 pre-show; Jimmy teamed with Zack Ryder against the Wyatt Family and  Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose against the New Day while Jey was out with injury, The team reunited and feuded with the New Day over the WWE Tag Team Championship and later the Dudley Boyz; Drafted to SmackDown and turned heel and lost to Heath Slater and Rhyno in the finals for the inaugural SmackDown Tag Team titles; Feuded with American Alpha defeating them for the SmackDown Tag Team Titles, becoming the first team to win both the Raw and SmackDown titles; Feuded with The New Day losing their titles after 124 days at Battleground and traded the titles back and forth; The matches with New Day were very good, in particular the Hell in a Cell match and the match at the SummerSlam pre-show; Defeated Sheamus and Cesaro at Survivor Series in an interpromotional match; The Usos are three-time SmackDown Tag Team champs and two-time Raw Tag Team champs and Kings of Day One Ish

Staff Thoughts: Did you know the Usos were Samoan? And the sons of Rikishi? You may have noticed the war dance and face paint (in honor of Umaga) and they may have mentioned in once or twice on commentary. Did you also know they’ve got a great case for one of (if not) the best WWE teams of all-time? With their longevity, always solid work and recent run of super work (feud with the New Day) they’ve got a great resume. Jimmy and Jey are always up for good matches (the multi-man and elimination matches in 2013 with Goldust and Cody and The Real Americans and others were fun) and their last year of work shows there may be more greatness to come in the future. They also took full advantage of Talking Smack and really blossomed as promos and characters during their ascension to top dogs of Smackdown.

From the Voters: “I’ve always liked the Usos and I remember being absolutely rapt when they finally won the tag titles. They were particularly good in the 2011-12 period when they found their feet as babyface tag workers. However, I can’t tell them apart to rate them individually.” – Stacey O’Loughlin, May 31, 2017

“I’ve come to the conclusion that they are probably the best all around team in company history. Also coming to the conclusion that if I can’t find a way to rate them, then I am throwing out all tag team work for consideration. I can’t in good conscience give cred it Michaels, Bret, Tito, et for tag work, and then throw out an all timer tag team because they’ve been a career tag team.” – Dylan Haes, August 31, 2017

105. Goldberg Total Points: 1,218 Total Ballots: 44 Average Rank: 73.3 High Vote: 34 Low Vote: 98 High Voter: Ray Miller

Key Matches & Moments: Debuted the night after WrestleMania XIX, spearing The Rock and immediately jumping into the main event scene; The Rock taunted him during The Rock Concert, before falling to him at Backlash 2003; Moved on to a feud with Chris Jericho defeating him at Badd Blood; Ran wild much to the crowd’s delight at the Elimination Chamber at SummerSlam, eliminating Randy Orton, Shawn Michaels and Jericho before being pinned by Triple H (much to crowd’s dismay); Defeated Triple H for the World Heavyweight Championship at Unforgiven; Continued to feud with Evolution when Batista cashed in the bounty that Triple H put on Goldberg’s head; Retained the title against Triple H at Survivor Series; Kane was added to the Triple H feud; Goldberg lost the title back to Triple H in a three-way match also involving Kane after interference from Evolution and a chokeslam from Kane at Armageddon; Began a feud with Brock Lesnar at Survivor Series, escalated when Lesnar interfered at the Royal Rumble 2004 causing Goldberg to be eliminated; Goldberg interfered in Lesnar’s title defense against Eddie Guerrero at No Way Out 2014; The two met at WrestleMania XX in a memorable match, though not for the reasons hoped; Returned to the company in 2016 to resume his feud with Lesnar after 12 years, defeating him in 1:26 seconds at Survivor Series; Goldberg eliminated Lesnar in the 2017 Royal Rumble after a spear; Challenged Universal Champion Kevin Owens to a match at Fastlane with Chris Jericho accepting on Owens’ behalf, causing the two to split; Goldberg defeated Owens after he was distracted by Jericho’s music with a spear and a jackhammer; Lost the belt to Lesnar at WrestleMania 33 in one of the greatest sub-5:00 matches of all time, which was also Goldberg’s first clean singles loss

Staff Thoughts: Goldberg’s WWE career was like his matches: high impact, low longevity. He had less than a two-year run, but it was all in the main event and title picture. Were the matches traditional workrate masterpieces? Nope. Do they stand out? You bet. Or at least they do when they are the hard-hitting heavyweight slugfests he had with Brock Lesnar. His first run, well, they left a lot on the table, and if they just put the damn belt on him at SummerSlam when the crowd was molten for him, who knows? As it is his, whether it was wearing Goldust’s wig or jacckhammering Lesnar out of his shoes, Goldberg’s career was made of more memorable moments than most and landed him just a bit outside the top 100. Listen to JT and Aaron break down his case further here.

From the Voters: “I was ambivalent on Goldberg at first. The podcast that JT and Aaron did helped my decision to put him on. Somewhere between 90-100. His initial run wasn’t great, but better than I remember it being. His most recent run was exactly how it should have been. He has always had the presence and ora of a mega star.” – Michael Schoen, August 21, 2017

“He made such an impact in two short runs. Over. Big moments. Hard to turn him away.” – Jason Sherman, May 29, 2017

104. Umaga Total Points: 1,233 Total Ballots: 54 Average Rank: 78.2 High Vote: 47 Low Vote: 99 High Voter: Stacey O’Loughlin

Key Matches & Moments: As Jamal was one part of Three-Minute Warning, interrupting numerous matches and moments, including the Billy & Chuck wedding; Returned as Umaga in 2006 under the control of Armaaaando Alejaaaandro Estrada, defeating Ric Flair at Backlash 2006 in his PPV debut; Feuded with Kane, defeating him in a Loser Leaves Raw match and a match at Cyber Sunday; Umaga remained undefeated until he faced John Cena at New Year’s Revolution where he was pinned for the first time with a roll-up; Estrada claimed the loss was a fluke, setting up a rematch for the WWE Championship in a Last Man Standing Match at 2007 Royal Rumble, where Umaga lost in an all-time great classic after Cena choked him out with the ring rope after the turnbuckle was removed from the ring; Selected as Vince McMahon’s representative in the “Battle of the Billionaires” match at WrestleMania 23, facing Bobby Lashley (Lindsey) who was the representative of future President Donald Trump; Umaga lost the match causing McMahon’s head to be shaved; Continued teaming with Vince and Shane feuding with Lashley, helping Vince win the ECW Title for Vince at Backlash 2007, defend the title at Judgment Day and continued aiding the McMahons when Vince lost the title in a street fight at One Night Stand; Umaga won the Intercontinental title but lost it to the debuting “fan” Santino Marella in the Milan Miracle when Lashley interfered; Feuded with Marella, losing by DQ at Vengeance before regaining the IC title; Successfully defended the IC title against Mr. Kennedy and Carlito at SummerSlam 2007; Attacked a returning Jeff Hardy leaving him laying, before eventually losing the IC Title to Hardy on Raw; Challenged Triple H for the WWE Championship at No Mercy but lost; Feuded with Batista, facing The Animal at WrestleMania XXIV; Reignited his feud with Hardy facing him in a Last Man Standing match at One Night Stand 2008; Began feuding with CM Punk, repeatedly stopping Punk from cashing in his Money in the Bank briefcase; Defeated Punk at Judgment Day then spoke in English for the first time as Umaga challenging Punk to a Samoan strap match at Extreme Rules 2009, which he lost in his last major match with the company

Staff Thoughts: Another short but impactful run, with “The Samoan Savage” having some standout matches and moments in the E. His Last Man Standing Match with Cena at the Rumble 2007 is an all-time classic and a match many think may be the greatest in WWE history, but his first match with Cena was very good too. The Samoan Savage gimmick shouldn’t have worked in 2006, but with Estrada as his mouthpiece and Umaga playing such a strong bulldozing heel, it did work. He was in the featured match at the highest grossing WrestleMania at the time, and had the highest buyrate until WrestleMania XXVIII narrowly edged it. Had a decent power match with Batista at WrestleMania XXIV, before eventually putting over Jeff Hardy helping him gain more credibility. He got the Samoan spike over, which was a feat in and of itself. The guys talk more about Umaga on this FYC podcast.

From the Voters: “Really enjoy both his Matches with John Cena, he and Jeff Hardy had good chemistry, and in the Battle Of The Billionaires. Another guy who moved around very well and worked good with almost anyone.” – Jay Hinchey, June 4, 2017

“About as good a monster heel as they’ve ever had, even though only for a short period. Just looked devastating in there, and could always keep his near-unbeatable aura even when he was getting beat. As well as the high-end stuff, it was just fun watching him beat guys up. I think he makes it.” – Adam Russell, July 14, 2017

103. Buddy Rogers Total Points: 1,235 Total Ballots: 26 Average Rank: 54.5 High Vote: 1 Low Vote: 96 Number One Votes: 1 High Voter: TheBestThereNeverWillBe

Key Matches & Moments: When Lou Thesz defeated Buddy Rogers for the NWA title, Toots Mondt and Vince McMahon, Sr. withdrew their membership and formed the WWWF; Rogers was formally recognized as the first WWWF World Champion when he was presented the belt after “winning” a fictitious tournament taking place in Rio de Janeiro (of COURSE it did); Rogers’ official reign is listed as officially starting on April 25, 1963; Rogers reign was cut short after a mild heart attack, causing him to lose the title to Bruno Sammartino in 48 seconds; Rogers continued in a top spot defeating Hans Mortier in less than a minute with the figure-four leglock in Madison Square Garden; Teamed with “Handsome” Johnny Barend taking two out of three falls from Sammartino and Bobo Brazil, with Rogers pinning Sammartino in the final fall; Rogers retired before the scheduled rematch with Sammartino (tickets had already been printed with the match listed) and Gorilla Monsoon replaced him in the match; Returned to the WWF hosting the interview segment Rogers Corner until 1983; Was instrumental in turning Jimmy Snuka babyface and managing him during his feud with Lou Albano and Ray Stephens, before breaking his hip and retiring for good

Staff Thoughts: “The Nature Boy” was undoubtedly an all-time great wrestler, and his match in 1961 against Pat O’Conner at Commisky Park is an all-time famous match. Unfortunately that match and most of Rogers’ career took place outside the boundaries of this project (pre-1963.) However, Rogers status as an all-time great provided the credibility the newly created WWWF title needed. Rogers put over Sammartino strong, getting Bruno’s first title run off to a solid start. Rogers was the lowest finishing wrestler to receive a number one vote. As the inaugural WWWF champion Rogers historical significance cannot be questioned and helped lay the foundation for the company for the next 54 years and counting.

From the Voters: “The nature boy is one of the greatest but if anyone knows his best work was in the NWA . His match against Pat OConner at Comiskey Park was groundbreaking.” – Eric Boyd, May 30, 2017

  “He was handed the original WWWF title for winning a fictional tournament and then lost to Bruno in 48 seconds. He faded away after that.” – Todd Hall, May 28, 2017

102. Bubba Ray Dudley Total Points: 1,254 Total Ballots: 40 Average Rank: 69.7 High Vote: 23 Low Vote: 98 High Voter: Blaise Perrone

Key Matches & Moments: Teamed with “brother” D-Von as the Dudley Boyz, feuding with Edge & Christian and the Hardy Boyz throughout 2000 and 2001; The Dudleys won their first WWE Tag Team titles at No Way Out 2000 defeating the New Age Outlaws; Lost the titles to Edge & Christian in an excellent triangle ladder match also involving the Hardy Boyz at WrestleMania 2000; Were well known for using tables as weapons and began driving women through tables as part of their gimmick; Feuded with DX and drove Tori through a table at King of the Ring 2000; Continued their feud with E&C and the Hardys with the first Tables, Ladders and Chairs (TLC) match at SummerSlam 2000 in another excellent match; Won their second Tag Team Titles at the 2001 Royal Rumble and their third title at Raw in March 2001; Had another great TLC match with E&C and the Hardys at WrestleMania X7; Joined the Alliance in 2001 where they were part of the Alliance team in the main event of the InVasion PPV; During the Invasion angle the Dudleys became the first team to win the ECW, WWF and WCW Tag Team titles; Unified the WCW and WWF Tag Team titles by defeating the Hardy Boyz in a steel cage match at Survivor Series 2001; Feuded with Spike Dudley and Tazz, losing the Tag Team Titles; Challenged for the Tag Team Titles in a four-corners match at WrestleMania X8; Drafted to Raw splitting up his team with D-Von, Bubba teamed with Spike Dudley, competed in the Hardcore Division and challenged Triple H for the Heavyweight Championship; Reunited with D-Von and continued to be a staple of the Raw tag team division before being traded to SmackDown in 2004; Turned heel joining with Paul Heyman and kidnapping Paul Bearer; Faced the Undertaker in a handicap match at Great American Bash 2004, where they lost the match and Undertaker attempted to murder Bearer by burying him in cement anyway, in a dreadful main event; Became the muscle behind Spike Dudley’s “Boss” character during his Cruiserweight Championship run; Defeated Tommy Dreamer and Sandman at One Night Stand 2005; Was a surprise entrant in the 2015 Royal Rumble; Feuded with the New Day in 2015 over the WWE Tag Team Titles; Joined forces with Tommy Dreamer and Rhyno and battled the Wyatt Family at TLC 2015; Challenged the Usos at WrestleMania 32 and in a tables match the next night; Lost to Sami Zayn and Neville at SummerSlam 2016, Bubba was a 10-time Hardcore Champion, eight-time World Tag Team Champion, one-time WCW Tag Team Champion, one-time WWE Tag Team Champion

Staff Thoughts: The Dudley Boyz were part of the revolutionary tag team scene in 2000 andd 2001. The ladder matches and TLC matches at WrestleMania 2000, SummerSlam 2000 and WrestleMania X7 are all time classics and innovative matches. They were an important part of the Invasion/Alliance angle participating in the main event of InVasion (whether you think they were the best choice or not) and unified the WCW and WWF Tag Team Titles at Survivor Series 2001. Bubba had a so-so singles run when the team split in 2002 but it was certainly better than Deacon D-Von. As the Dudley Boyz reunited they showed diminishing returns, including that awful angle with Undertaker and Paul Bearer that made no sense. Bubba was a good promo and the Dudleys are perpetually over as long as D-Von will “…get the tables.” You can listen to the guys thoughts on The Dudley Boyz on this FYC podcast.

From the Voters: “He and D-Von are the one team to me important enough and with sufficient good matches that they both make it in by virtue of their tag work. That he had a few decent months as a single in 2002 plus his surprise Rumble appearance a couple years back are gravy.” – Ben Morse, May 30, 2017

“I think both have enough company and character significance to be in consideration. The lack of a singles run (brief during first split) holds him back. This is someone with 946 WWE matches to his credit. ”- Brad Warren, May 30, 2017

101. Junkyard Dog Total Points: 1,286 Total Ballots: 41 Average Rank: 69.6 High Vote: 25 Low Vote: 99 High Voter: Scott Butler

Key Matches & Moments: Defeated Greg Valentine at the first WrestleMania; Won the Wrestling Classic tournament in 1985 defeating Randy Savage in the finals; Had a fun and wild feud with Terry Funk in late 1985, leading to a real good tag match with JYD & Tito Santana vs. The Funk at WrestleMania II; Was often leveraged on the top of the card for tours around the country; Feuded with Harley Race winning by DQ at SNME in January 1987; Lost a rematch to Race at WrestleMania III; Grabbed them cakes

Staff Thoughts: Junkyard Dog missed tying for the top 100 by one point, so his popularity among voters was evident. This was driven primarily due to his charisma, as his in-ring work was never a strength and his promos were difficult to understand and often just about having fun. The guys talk about going from deadly serious promos elsewhere to fun promos in WWF in this FYC podcast. JYD did have enjoyable matches in his feud with Terry Funk and the Funk brothers at Saturday Night’s Main Event (where he was a regular, including dancing with his momma on Mother’s Day). He teamed with Hulk Hogan to take on Terry and Hoss at the May 1986 SNME in a fun match and teamed with Tito Santana to take on the same team at WrestleMania II. Lost to “The King” Harley Race, showing that he had no honor when he refused to bow to the King. He filled an important role as the second or third babyface in the company under Hogan. JYD held special appeal for children, which the WWF was targeting at the time, known for dancing with kids after matches, his appearance on the Rock ‘N’ Wrestling cartoon and his LJN action figure, he clearly made an impact on many voters who were fans of one of the hottest periods in company history. That, along with the fact that he encouraged them to “Grab Them Cakes” made the voters come within one point of naming him to the Top 100 list.

From the Voters: “JYD won’t make it for guys valuing workrate far and above every other metric. Objectively, regardless of whether or not I enjoy his matches, the popularity and impact he had matters. Very low on my list if he makes it but I can’t say no shot. I’m not making a my favorite 100 list.” – Jeremy Ray, May 30, 2017

“He sucked in-ring, but he was probably the most over guy behind Hogan and maybe Andre during a peak WWF era. Transcended the midcard and was one of the true headliners during Rock & Wrestling. He’s synonymous with 80s WWF for me and I give him the nod despite his deterioration.” – Ben Morse, May 31, 2017