#and then realizing i can only consume said media if i make it myself

[littleeyesofpallas]

When I was little I had recurring nightmares about people breaking in to my house and I would have to keep myself hidden but also things would happen where I'd be unable to stop my parents or sometimes my pets(?) from attracting the attention of the intruders and being killed as a result. So I'd have to sit like under my bed or in my closet or behind the shower curtain or something, watching the intruder(s) hiding from my parents or my dog, and feel compelled to watch in silence as their paths collide and play out, sometimes in an actual attack or sometimes just with the implicit threat of one.

When I first played the (frankly really unremarkable) indie horror game Tattletale, I thought the premise would be something very different. The actual premise is that you play hide and seek with a furby thing as it tries to kill you and it happens to be Christmas eve. But initially I thought it was going to be about trying not to wake up mom and dad because you were just as afraid of getting in trouble for peaking at your present as you were afraid of the eerily intelligent and autonomous toy being a threat to both you and to your parents if you were to get them involved in it's creepy game or murder hide and seek.

One of my favorite lesser known Alfred Hitchcock movies is Shadow of Doubt, in which a young woman finds out that her visiting uncle whom she shares a kind of special kinship with is actually a notorious serial killer at large. But when she discovers this fact, that fact is almost immediately discovered by her uncle. So she spends the bulk of the movie trying to find some way to alert police without letting her uncle know she's done so, because of the threat that he'll kill her mother in retaliation otherwise.

(The movie Stoker is actually a fun kind of homage to this movie where the twist is that the thriller encounter with her murder uncle actually awakens the serial killer in the girl as well)

There is also a single volume manga by famous Mangaka Fukumoto Nobuyuki(creator of Kaiji and Akagi, among other hit series) and Kawaguchi Kaiji(artist of Zipang and Silent Service among others...) Where two friends get lost in blizzard on a hiking trip and as they begin to think they'll die on the mountain one confesses out of guilt that he murdered a woman on the same mountain years ago... And then they find shelter, and the protagonist becomes paranoid that the murderer will try to kill him to keep his secret before the blizzard lets up. In the early stages of the story in particular he has to try to either escape or radio for help or kill the murderer himself without alerting him, all while both he and the reader aren't entirely sure the murderer actually intends to hurt him or not. It has some wild twists and turns (frankly maybe one too many) but it's still a great psychological thriller and one of my favorite short manga.

Anyway point being that inbetween these things I've got this nebulous halfformed narrative thread in my brain that I come back to sometimes about hidden killers knowing you know they're killers, and having to deal with their presence in secret from other people. I've always wanted to try my hand at writing a story that falls into this kind of structure but I feel like I'm just not suited to craft these kinds of delicate suspenseful logic puzzles where the rules of the arrangement make sense and are consistent and have consequences that are enticingly threatening.

In particular the halfbaked premise I've always sat on was to have a kind of witchhunt setting (but which would work better, medieval Europe or colonial America?) Where you unwittingly give shelter to a stranger who is being chased by witch hunters, and then you have to try to determine whether or not she's a witch without letting her know you suspect her for being a witch, and whether she's a real witch or not, you then move on to trying to alert the witch hunters while knowing she suspects you of knowing and trying to snitch on her. And the horror and suspense of being watched and the sort of reverse double blind of knowing she knows you know but still having to play dumb just in case you're actually wrong, but then also having to look her in the eye and lie to her, knowing she knows you're lying while you do it.

It's got a kind of a Death Note Light -v- L appeal to it too,(or early Promised Neverland) where there's room to expand on this kind of convoluted 4D chess mind game going on between two people, but also between the weird hypothetical of what the other could be almost more than what they actually are, if that makes any sense(?). Like, beyond the reality of the singular chain of events that make the story, you're basically having to manage two different plots; One is where the adversary knows everything and the management of how they'll act based on that in the worst case scenario, but the other is where they actually don't know yet and how you have to act to keep them from finding out.

Does that all make sense? But then add to that a vague threat of the supernatural. Like, you still don't know if she is actually a witch, or if the real threat is just that if being implicated in the witchhunt, and if she if IS, then there is the wildcard of not knowing what she can do with that to affect you or others.

To add yet more needless complexity, if I wanted to expand or really milk the premise I could play it like a classic Imposter Game (ya know like Mafia or Werewolf, or yeah I guess Among us gets a mention...) And make part of the plot that the witch hunters arrive announcing they've been chasing TWO people, and you have to manage sussing out who the second witch, or witch collaborator, in the cast of characters is while trying not to be incriminated as them yourself.

Worst part though is that even if I was better at constructing this sort of plot AND had the writing skill to follow through on it, Id still have to wrestle with how to end the whole thing. Problem being that these types of stories all thrive in the uncertainty of the big maybes and ehat-ifs; actually confirming threats and resolving the plot threads are almost always less interesting than the build up

I keep phrasing this in the second person because even though my loose wrestling with the idea kind of defaults to just novel prose, a part of me wants it to be something more like a VN or a walking sim type interactive story? But god knows trying to nail down any of these ideas AND leave it open to player choice is a deathtrap rabbithole to fall down.

Anyway I dunno what the point of this was other than just outlining the thought because its there floating around my head again. Its like 3am and I can't sleep and in that funky half lucid brain space where connections are sorta forming on their own and I feel like it helps to just get them out onto something. Like I'm dream journaling while awake?

[remindingpersephone]

Curveballs

When life gives you . . . stitches? So I had to have a cyst removed from my back and it was a big boy, so it took 13 stitches to close that hole up (there are so many jokes here). The doc said no lifting, no stretching, because stitches on the back (it's actually closer to shoulder) can rip easily. Since I can't get into the pool - healing wound = no soaking - and it's 9,823 degrees outside so no walking, my living room workouts are the only option. But when I do those it's a lot of arm flailing and improvising because I cannot follow choreography to save my life.

Now, there was a time when I would have used these restrictions as an excuse to completely abandon my fitness goals. I would stop all cardio, sit on the couch, eat way too many brownies, and totally derail my fitness progress.

But this time was different. I've kept up with all lower body strength workouts, and for cardio I bought an under-the-desk, mini-bike-peddle machine. Now, no one is going to mistake this for a real bike. But let me tell you I have gotten my heart rate way the hell up on that little thing. And I can keep my upper body stabile so as not to rip those stitches.

I've also been trying out intermittent fasting, although it didn't really start out with that as the goal. I wanted to see if I was eating because I was hungry, or just out of habit/schedule/when I thought I should eat. Also, my 6:30am breakfasts were starting to feel like habit instead of hunger. So I stopped eating until I was actually hungry. Turns out I'm not really hungry until about 11:30 AM. I also stopped eating after 8PM at night. I had always been a late dinner and even later dessert/snacker. Not only has eating mostly between the hours of 11:30am and 7:30pm helped my digestion, it's lowered my overall calorie intake. It's also making me stop and really think if I'm actually hungry before I eat. Do I need that snack or am I just bored? Do I need that treat or am I just emotional? I know the word "intuitive" is over-used these days, but that's pretty much what I did.

Now, I know tomorrow or next week this could all change. I am a person who not only embraces change, but seeks it out. I am always changing things up in small and large ways. Sometimes routines work for me and sometimes they don't. I'm getting better at not trying to force myself to do things just because the generally accepted wisdom says I should. Or the current trends are encouraging this thing or that thing.

Since we're talking about health, I will tell you I've cut way back on my social media consumption. It just got to a point where I was internalizing a lot of what I was reading and watching, and as we all know, a lot of what's on social media is negative. That negativity was having a bigger effect on me than I realized. Until that over-exposure was gone, I couldn't make the connection on some unexpected effects it was having. Sorry, I'm not intentionally trying to be vague. I just can't really explain it other than to say reducing my exposure to the ugliness and fear that perpetuates even Tumblr and Instagram has had a positive effect on my state of mind. This is a long and rambly way of me saying I'm sorry if I haven't been hearting and commenting on my mutuals posts like I once had. I try to pop in when I can, and I really do read what I heart. I just can't consume it at the rate I once did. But please know that I am always here for DMs and you can email me at anindependentguinevere {at} g mail dot com anytime you want to chat or need support. I am here for that always.

Wow, that was way longer than I intended. Hugs and kisses to those you who made it all the way through. Now let's go get some ice cream!

[imonlyanangel]

🪷 Manifesting Success 🪷

The most recent thing I manifested was self confidence! In this post I'll go over what worked for me.

I've successfully manifested several things in the past, but not nearly at the speed I would've liked to. There were months and months without success. I started to consider why- was I focusing on the 3D too much?? Was I engaging with negative, doubtful thoughts, or believing negative comments from others? How was my trust in myself?

Sure, sometimes I focus too much on the 3D, but I always catch myself. I've had some doubtful intrusive thoughts, but I always catch myself. I've over consumed at times, but I always catch myself. I'm human, and I'm still fairly new to learning how to manifest. None of these slip ups are a big deal! None of them can really affect my ability to manifest unless I allow them to. Unless I assume that they do.

The real reason I was struggling to manifest was this: I had a fear of being seen. A fear of being myself where others could see. A fear of succeeding in front of others. How can I successfully manifest if I'm afraid of success? How can I bring my reality into light if I only feel safe in the dark?

Self-confidence has been a struggle for me nearly my entire life. I've worked on improving it, but there was little progress over the course of my life. I didn't talk to people, or share my thoughts with family. I couldn't make decisions. I couldn't just be without being scared I was doing it wrong.

When I realized that this pervasive fear was keeping me from manifesting my desires, I made a decision. I wasn't going to work on manifesting anything else until I successfully manifested confidence in myself.

I tore a scrap of paper from my bedside notebook and wrote down an affirmation to stick under my pillow. All I wrote was: I always feel amazing about myself- I am overflowing with confidence. <3 I had read that the pillow method takes 7-10 days at most to manifest your desires. I wrote this down on the other side of the paper, and decided that it wouldn't take me more than a week to manifest it.

Before I fell asleep each night, I recited the affirmation in my mind. Some nights I only did it once, sometimes 2-3x. I imagined feeling like a pillar. Feeling upright, tall, visible, and strong. I imagined the heaviness and tension that came with being seen disappearing. I imagined feeling amazing about myself, or how it would feel to be confident all the time. I did this for 7 days in a row.

It didn't take me 7 days to notice a change!! The first morning I woke up after doing that was different. I was different. I went after what I wanted that day with no regard for whether or not I was being perceived. Since I started I've noticed many changes in behavior that have almost all felt natural to me. Sometimes I got nervous, but I had the confidence in myself to push through it.

Instead of shying away from looking at my face or my body in the mirror, I smile genuinely every time I see myself. Sometimes I catch myself thinking "wow, I am so f*cking pretty!" Now I intentionally make a comment about my confidence or my beauty every time I look in a mirror while washing my hands. I'm so confident. I feel amazing about myself today. I love the way I look. Complimenting myself in the mirror worked wonders and I recommend it 100%!!

Changes since I started manifesting confidence:

Engaged in my hobbies in front of others

Deep cleaned my room

Wore what I wanted

Voiced my opinion in family discussion

Decided to do a social media fast for a week

Made purchases to start a hobby I've always wanted to try (and started said hobby)

Had a difficult conversation with my mom that I was avoiding

Answered a phone call from a girl I've hardly ever spoken to, and we enjoyed talking for over an hour

Started decorating my room

Went out to eat (at a buffet) and chatted with a relative that I am not familiar with

This post! Whether anonymous or public, I've never posted or commented on social media till now, because I was too nervous.

All of these things are huge compared to where I was at two weeks ago. Some, maybe all of these things, would be small to others. But to me, especially with consideration for my neurotype and mental health, these are big steps of progress.

Am I the most confident, outspoken, assertive woman in the world? Not yet. But I improved so much in just a week. My sister noticed I was in a better mood every morning since the day I started. My mom has been complimenting me more often because of the difference in my countenance. My family noticed behavioral changes within 2 days.

I've been happy, and so much more confident. I have had more enthusiasm for life and for growth. And it doesn't take me more than 5 minutes a night. I will continue using this method of manifesting! I've already started a new affirmation.

XOXO,

Evangeline

[hellfiremunsonn]

Why Are You So Nice To Me? Joseph Quinn x Reader

Why Are You So nice To Me?

I DO NOT ALLOW MY WRITING TO BE REPUBLISHED ANYWHERE OTHER THAN MY OWN BLOG WITHOUT MY CONSENT

SUMMARY: This new life is taking a toll on you. Desperately trying to not seem ungrateful leads you to an overstimulated panic attack that Joe helps you through.

18 + IF YOU ARE NOT 18 OR OLDER DO NOT READ OR INTERACT WITH MY WRITING. IT IS NOT INTENDED FOR MINORS. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MEDIA YOU CONSUME.

AN: A big thank to @creme-bruhlee​ for giving me that one liner that sparked me to finally finish this. I love u

Warnings: None really? Fem!reader, reader has a panic attack/anxiety attack, mentions and descriptions of said panic attack/anxiety attack, Joe being the softest sweetest boy, I love him. (IF THERES ANYTHING I MISSED LET ME KNOW)

Wordcount: 3069

Since the premier of Stranger Things season four my life hadn't had a moment to slow down. It was interviews after interviews, sometimes multiple ones in the same day, different hosts, different shows, websites, everything. Adding all of that with so much traveling, especially with Jospeh, Jamie, and I being three new characters; our schedules were often linked together because of it; Although now, I stood a few feet away from them, leaning against the wall closest to the elevators.

It was about 6 pm at night and I was standing in the lobby of some fancy hotel in Brazil. A white and black dress wrapped against my skin, the hot weather and sun, giving me a healthy bronzed glow. I stupidly decided on a classic pair of very high all black stilettos. I should have opted for an open toe wedged heel or something. But I wanted to impress everyone. My first acting gig, first round of interviews, first time traveling far without family, it was nerve wracking but I wanted every second of it to go well. Something I didn't think that would bother me as much as it did, was not constantly having my phone on you. I didn't realize how much I relied on it as a coping mechanism when I was anxious, or uncomfortable. It was difficult to not have that immediate distraction.

Picking at the black nail polish on my thumb I sighed heavily, trying to get myself into the proper mindset for this Stranger Things party? Event? Meet and greet? Whatever it was, I was ill prepared and uncomfortable to say the least. Jet lagged, sweaty, homesick, and anxious; but it didn't matter, not when you had fans to impress, people to impress, companies to impress. I never had a moment with my own thoughts for more than five minutes before being escorted to another room, car, or airport, it was always something. Not to say I wasn't grateful for everything because I truly was; just there's simply nothing that can prepare you for something like this. A cliche at its finest. I had to stop myself from laughing out loud at my own thoughts. Only another 'famous' person would understand, and in a way it almost felt pathetic, even if I knew it was true.  

A tap to my shoulder startled me slightly. I turned around to see Joe with a soft smile on his face.

"You alright?"

"Yeah, just tired" I lied. I think he could tell by the way his eyebrows furrowed slightly but he didn't comment.

"The heat doesn't help either I don't think" He said laughing.

"God no, it makes me feel like I'm wrapped in a warm hug, but also in a warm bath? Maybe both at the same time? I don't know but either of those sound better than a party right now" I said sighing. Tapping the tip of my shoe against the shiny tiled floor.

Joe looked like he was about to say something but just as he opened his mouth, we were waved over and instructed on where to go and what to do.

The three of us stationed at the entrance of grey double doors. I stood between the two men, both of their arms coming to wrap around my waist, and mine on theirs.

"Let's get this show on the road yeah?" I said forcing a smile, glancing between the two.

The doors swung open and as the three of us sauntered in, the small but crowed room filled with applause and music begun to play. Jamie slipped his hand into mine and gave me a slow twirl to introduce me. I blushed and gave an awkward wave, and a clumsy curtsy to match his energy. Then turning to Joe, I grabbed his hand and twirled him around to do the same as Jamie did to me. Joe was far more graceful as I was and I watched as the girls swooned over him. It was hard not to, if I was being completely honest with myself; but that was another thought for another time. Right now I had to be present, and put my game face on. Which is exactly what I did. I walked around and mingled with everyone, taking pictures and answering questions as best as I could, especially without giving anything away, just incase there was anyone around who hadn't had the opportunity to finish the season just yet. The music was uncomfortably loud and I struggled to hear what people were saying, barely able to make out the often broken English, but I tried my best.

After a while I snuck away to the back of the room, attempting to people watch while I clutched my glass of ice water to my chest. A few minutes alone and hidden from the eye of people I leaned my back against the wall, trying to regulate the beating of my heart. Nothing seemed to help it, and it only became worse, at this point I was facing the wall, desperately begging myself to stop hyperventilating. I could feel my bottom lip wobbling as I tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. A hand on the small of my back startled me and I almost dropped the glass in my hands as I whipped around. It was Joesph, once again, a knight in shining armour. "What are you doing all the way over here?" He asked.

I looked at him. My heart still thumping in my chest, and I could feel words on the tip of my tongue but when I opened my mouth to speak they wouldn't come out. My brows furrowed, and the only noise I was able to make was a small whimper, but it sounded more like a choke. "Come 'ere" He said wrapping his arm around my waist. He took the glass from my hand and placed it on a nearby surface. Strategically moving around the people in the room as he lead me out and back into the lobby. Security following us quickly until we were safely out of sight from any lurking people. My chest rising and falling faster now, my hands covered my ears and my eyes were shut tight out of instinct and I didn't even realize I had done it until Joe was facing me in the elevator placing his hands over mine. My anxiety had heightened everything, every noise, and light and moment seemed all too much and I could feel myself getting overstimulated; suddenly hyper aware of how the fabric of my dress clung to me, and the way the tag was digging into my spine.

When I opened my eyes to look at him, the tears hidden behind my lids fall easily down my cheeks. When the elevator dinged he lead me down the hall; his hand still on the small of my back only letting go of me to reach out for the small bag I clutched in my hands. "Key?" He said softly and I fumble with shaky hands, pulling out the keycard to my hotel room. He took the card gently, his free hand never leaving the small of my back while he unlocked the door, encouraging me to walk in before him, stopping only a few feet from the door. He closed and locked the door behind me and came to face me again.

"What's going on?" He asked quietly, while his hands were rubbing both my arms up and down in attempts to sooth me.

"I-I just" I choked out a sob, my head falling to my chest.

"Hey you're okay, everything's okay"

I shook my head. "No, no everything is not okay, I'm not okay" I cried, pulling away from him a little more aggressively than intended. Leaning one hand on the wall I balanced on one foot ripping one of my heels off, and then doing the same with the other shoe. Chucking them onto the floor. I desperately grabbed at the back of my dress, trying to reach the zipper. "I'm losing my goddamn mind Joesph" I mumbled, through snot and tears. "I can't remember the last time I was home, or the last time I slept in a bed that wasn't in a hotel. I haven't seen my mom in months and I'm so fucking lonely and I fuck!-" I stopped trying to reach for the zipper, my hands balled into fists at my sides. I tried again to take control of my rapid breathing, I really didn't want to be having a full meltdown in front of anyone let alone Joesph but he stood there quietly and patiently, giving me the space I needed.

Calming slightly I tried reaching for my zipper again, only for it to get stuck about a quarter way down, stuck on the fabric. I tugged at it harshly before trying to pull it apart but I couldn't get a proper grip reaching behind me.

"Can I get your zipper for you?" He asked after a had a couple of minutes to lose my temper.

"Please?" I said desperately, turning around and walking back over to him, my bare feet padding against the floor. I turned around so my back was facing him, pulling my hair to the side and over my shoulder so it wasn't in the way. His fingers traced lightly against the back of my neck, moving a few pieces of hair I had missed in the process. Goosebumps coated my skin and I tried to control the shiver that attempted to surface, hiding it with a shaky inhale. He pulled at the zipper, bringing it back up and down, feeling it tug at the fabric again, even with Josephs nimble fingers.

"Just rip it-Please I need it off of me" I pleaded.

I felt him tug at it a few more times before I heard him sigh, shifting behind me. I went to turn around when his hands returned to my back and he pulled both ends of my dress apart, ripping it in one go. I gasped in relief, almost losing my balance, one of his hands coming to land firmly on my waist pulling me back into him, my back against his chest, holding me steady for a moment. The dress hung loosely under my breasts, sitting at my waist, my strapless bra keeping my chest covered.

Joesph cleared his throat and I turned my attention back to him, stepping away from him and turning to face him. He avoided looking at me, eyes looking every direction other than the one in front of him. "S-sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable I just n-needed to get that dress off of me" Stuttering over my words, with my body still wobbly from the anxiety.

"S'all good, I just didn't want to make you uncomfortable either" He said laughing a little, his cheeks slightly flushed. "Can I do anything to help?"

"Um, a hug would be nice?" I said clenching and unclenching my hands, trying to free them from the tingling numbness that coursed through them.

His eyes softened, and I felt a fresh wave of tears form as he held his arms out to me. A small cry slipping past my lips, sounding more like a pathetic whimper as I walked into his arms, burying my face into his chest. His hands warm, one of them coming up to the small of my back, while the other cradled the back of my head. "I got you baby, don't cry, m'right here" he said quietly, into my temple. His breath warm as he placed a small kiss to the skin just before my hairline.

He began swaying slowly back and forth, and we stood there like that for a few moments before I leaned my head up to look at him, cheek still resting on his chest. "Why are you so nice to me?"

"What?" He said, pulling me away from him slightly so he could see my face better. Hands held softly onto my elbows. "What do you mean 'why' ?"

I shrugged looking down to avoid his curious eyes, a little embarrassed at my question. "I just... I dunno, I think you're the nicest man I've ever met" catching a quick glance at him, his eyes softened.

"Fucking christ" he breathed with a laugh. "You're just the sweetest thing aren't you? Bet you don't have any idea"

"Any idea about what?" I asked furrowing my brows.

"That I've been crushing on you since you walked into that room on day one of the table read" his hands coming up to rest on either side of my neck, thumbs just under my jaw. "But I don't think now is an appropriate time to tell you all this- I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you being in a vulnerable state, so just ignore me" He was blushing, and fumbling over his words, nervous after his confession. A hand coming to scratch at the scruff on his chin, he cleared his throat, turning away to the rest of the room and said "lets get you into some comfier clothes yeah? We could-"

"N-no" I stuttered, reaching out for his arm quickly. He raised a brow. "Just keep talking? It's helping" I said bashfully, arms wrapping around myself.

He smiled slightly, clearly trying to act more casual about it. "I can do that" he said with a nod.

"Just, sit on the bed o-or something, I'll um, get changed" I said while heading towards my messy suitcase, shifting through the clothes to find something better to wear while Joseph sat on the end of the bed, laying back facing the ceiling with his hands across his stomach.

"Well as I was saying" he said with a laugh. "When you walked into the room, with that big sweater- you were swimming in it but god I thought you looked adorable" he sighed. "You sat next to me, and I remember hiding my pen, just so I could ask you to borrow one, and then when you laughed? I tried so hard to play it cool, but I don't think I did very well" he paused. "I mean how could I when someone as beautiful as you was smiling and laughing, and looking at me with those fucking eyes"

It was almost difficult listening to someone say so many nice things about me, to me, let alone hearing them from Joe himself. The man I had been crushing back on since the first time I saw him.

I smiled to myself listening to the sound of his voice while I finally found the clothes I wanted, a pair of green paperbag shorts and a white t shirt, something comfy enough to relax in, but loose enough to not sweat to death in. Joe was lost in thought, and I watched him out of the corner of my eye while I slipped out of my dress, removing my bra quickly, throwing on a soft bralette in it's place before tugging my shirt over my head. The movement of me untucking my hair from the collar made Joe turn to me briefly and he smiled.

I blushed, looking down bashfully as I tugged the shorts up my hips with a couple of hops. "Distracted?" I teased.

"M'always distracted when I look at you" he said sitting up, holding his hand out to me. I walked over to him slowly, taking his hand in mine.

He pulled me closer to him so I was now stood in-between his legs "How you feeling?" He asked, thumb smoothing over the back of my hand.

"Better" I said honestly. "Still a bit jittery, but better"

"Good" he said smiling.

"I um" I cleared my throat "I have a crush on you as well, by the way"

"I know" he laughed.

"What?" I scoffed "How?"

"You're a great actor when you're acting for the camera, but you're shit when you're with me" He laughed again and his smile spread, all too confident and cheeky. "Every scene we had together you'd tense every time I touched you, and when we had our kiss, I could just feel it"

"O-Oh" I was slightly embarrassed, but I think deep down I always knew that he had some sort of idea, it was getting impossible to hide. Maybe I was trying to hide it from myself more than I was from him. His hand left mine, both of them coming to the back of my thighs, squishing the skin there. I stumbled a little at his touch, my hands coming forward to catch myself on his shoulders.

"Are we going to keep pretending, or can I finally call you mine?"

"I mean we should probably go on a date first" I said jokingly, leaning forward to wrap my arms around his neck, his hands quick to land on my waist.

"Order room service, I'll take you our tomorrow, right now I just want to hold ya, and watch you get all shy when I say nice things about you" he said with a smirk, pulling me into him while he fell back onto the bed, pulling me up and next to him.

"You just want to get me in bed" I teased, playing with the collar of his suit jacket.

"Aren't you already?" he quipped.

I pushed at his shoulder playfully but he only tugged me closer, leaning so he could kiss me on the forehead.

"I'll go get changed while you order food yeah?"

I pouted, holding onto him a little tighter, already not wanting him to be far from me.

"I'll be five minutes, you wont even have time to miss me" he said while pushing some of my hair back and away from my face.

"Kiss me first?" I asked shyly.

Somehow this kiss felt different. We had kissed many times on set, and even had to have a heavy make out session for one scene. But right now, the way he slowly pressed his lips to mine; it made everything inside of me feel aligned, like he was missing from me and it almost took me too long to notice. I sighed happily into the kiss and he hummed in response, breaking away to give me a few extra light pecks before pulling himself from me.

"Five minutes" he said quietly, kissing me one more time before he left, a wide smile on his face.

[messrsrobyn]

for your anon concerned about tokenism which is a very important thing, it truly is. but what made me go easy on myself was realizing that fanfic is kinda not the place people should go for when looking for rep? now let me explain. it’s not that fics shouldn’t have rep, or that fic writers are exempted from having to incorporate it, because i don’t think it’s neither here and there. that’s not the argument we should be having. we should have rep in proper media, in things that actually make an impact in the world. that’s where the rep should happen and we should advocate for that etc etc. we also should be mindful of what we consume and how we do it and see if we only engage with cishet westernized stuff. but aside from that, if people are demanding from fic writers those things it’s kinda weird to me. like, my dude, you love the whitest, most cishet work of all times and that’s fine with you, but this random writer from xique xique bahia (brazilians will understand my joke) has to know all the intricacies of being a teen in the 70s in wales? or else they’re not doing a good work? like, maybe…! go read books that are diverse and engage in those fandoms too. a lot of HC are just like that anon said, so widely spread that just makes sense. desi harry is very dear to me. even if i also vibe with latino james. idk man, i think we can call off straight up problematic stuff. racist stuff. but if you go into fics trying to be educated maybe open a proper book and like, don’t expect fics to be a manifesto? i just want to see gay people kissing. and i think that’s the gist of it, i read books, i study, i educate myself so when i go into fanfiction im expecting to have a good time. i can also find amazing political stuff in it, but i don’t demand an academic work from writers. but some people are so braindead nowadays that the thought of actually opening a book and studying it too time consuming. so, anyways, yes please don’t be racist don’t be weird don’t be creepy, but also guys, maybe y’all should take fanfic less seriously and engage with other things outside of fandom.

I COULD NOT HAVE SAID IT BETTER MYSELF ‼️‼️‼️

the beauty of fanfiction is how chill it is !!! which is something that's been lost recently with all the moral debates (noisy jegulus haters, i'm looking at you and frowning) !!!

i'm doing a lit + pol degree, and that really shows the difference for me. yes, whilst i read these works for university i'm picking apart everything, i'm cross-referencing it with the politics of the time and how they've developed, at the back of my mind i've always got this idea of representation.

i don't with fanfiction. because that's not the point.

fanfiction is the a FREE and OPEN resource. we don't have to worry about whether publication companies find value in our ideas, we don't have to worry about whether our words hold as much worth as others. we just Write.

people get too concerned with the morality of fanfic, they expect perfection from people Doing A Hobby. and i get it, i get where frustrations come from, but at the end of the day this is a bit of fun.

and yes, diversity is SO important but at the end of the day, fanfiction is already the most diverse form of media out there. if you want deeper explorations, either write them, or take your frustrations out on the core material that fandoms are derived from. take your frustrations out on the fact that we have to add diversity to fandom spaces because it's not in original media.

fanfiction is fun, it's a hobby and i am getting So So So tired of people nitpicking and deciding what words have worth when that's the exact reason i criticise official publishers.

BONUS YAP: "i think that big authors needs to step up and-" NO ‼️‼️‼️ just because they have more hits does not mean fandom etiquette doesn't apply. just because their works have more kudos does not mean they owe anything !! maybe stop putting people who are Having Fun with a Hobby on a pedestal to be your moral light.

IT'S ALL SO FRUSTRATING IM SORRY. every time i open tiktok it takes a year off my life because it's not even FUN anymore 😭 why are we policing everything

[wh0r3-for-klaus]

Salt and Sugar ~ poly!rafe&topper x reader

warnings/notes: toxic!rafe, drug use, underage drinking, implied sexual interactions, degrading language. 18+ content, you're responsible for what media you consume.

genre: angst

note: So as I wrote this and then read it back to myself it made me realize something, if I was to turn this into a multi part story it would take me a while for each part cause I like to make sure each individual part is well-written and that I'm happy with it. This scenario would likely be later in the series, as well as the possibility that the relationship dynamic would need to be built upon more, all of that fun stuff. Does that make sense?

~~~~~~

The tension that hung above y/n and her two lovers was thick, it made her heart race and her palms sweaty. However, she still didn’t understand what happened to change everything from happy and carefree moments to this tense and unsettling moment, the only sound that could be heard was Rafe’s loafers repeatedly colliding with the wooden floorboards as he paced around his bedroom. 

Topper was sitting in the chair by the desk, his expression was showing that even he was unnerved and it made y/n feel even more anxious. Topper’s blue eyes moved around the room before locking with hers, a silent promise that everything will be okay and he’s not going anywhere, but would they both be empty promises once Rafe broke his own silence? 

Y/n just subtly nodded her head in the blonde’s direction before casting her gaze out the window again, letting her mind wander to something else to settle her nerves. The sound of pacing suddenly stopped, both Topper and y/n looked towards their mad boyfriend as they waited for the older male to say or do something. 

“Rafe? Will you please talk to us?…it doesn’t even have to be both of us, whoever you feel most comfortable talking to.” Y/n’s voice was soft and the concern was clear in her tone, she shifted slightly as she sat atop Rafe’s bed while waiting for Rafe to say or do something, anything. “We both care about you, if one of us has done something please tell us so we can try to fix it..” 

It was the way Rafe had snapped his head up to stare at her, his eyes beyond enraged as he walked over to be closer to where she was sat. For several long seconds, maybe a minute, no one said anything or moved at all, until Rafe turned his back to the girl and took several paces to the nearest wall before driving his fist into the drywall and plaster. Both Topper and Y/n gasped, her hands covering her mouth in shock as they both stared at the man in front of them watching as the blood began to drip from his knuckles to the wood floors beneath. 

“For once in your life, Y/n, shut the fuck up!” The loud snarl from Rafe made her stomach drop and her eyes began to search for the shade of blue that belonged to her other lover. “You must have some really fucking nerve to pretend like you don’t know what you did! Either that or you’re way dumber than I initially thought.” 

The words that spilled from Rafe’s mouth were hurtful, but you didn’t want him to know that so you remained silent, unmoving from your spot on his bed. Rafe strided back over to you, his tall figure looming over you as his deep blue eyes stared into your eyes, there was no sign of compassion, regret, guilt, ect..it was just dark and angry and it made you even more scared of what’s coming next. 

“Rafe, I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about and I really need you to tell me what’s wrong so I can get whatever youI did fixed…” The sound of Rafe’s scoff could have been heard through the bedroom if other people were in the house, but the three lovers had the Cameron estate to themselves. 

“You’re such a fucking liar and you know it! Letting that touron hit on you and put his hands on you! Hell you even let him press his body against yours so he could press his boner against your ass!” Rafe’s angry pacing picked back up again and he just kept shaking his head as he mumbled to himself, the tension in the room had become suffocating and the girl needed a window open or a minute outside. 

“I need a minute outside…I’ll be back in a moment.” The girl tried to excuse herself from the room but this only seemed to enrage Rafe further as he began stalking over to where she now stood, Topper also stood up just in case he needed to step in.

“You need a minute outside?! How about instead of just going outside for a minute, you just get out of my fucking face entirely and not come back?!” Rafe’s words were sharp but also had the undertones of being serious, the words hit Y/n like a ton of bricks and it took a moment for the words to sink in. 

“Rafe…I’m sorry, just please calm down and we can have this conversation when you’re sober…I need you to please let me take care of you, then we’ll talk once you’re sober and calmer..” Y/n was trying to keep her voice even so the hurt and pain that was currently ripping her apart inside couldn’t be detected, but her voice wobbled and cracked a bit as she spoke. 

“You’re asking me to calm down? You must think that I care about your wants or your needs, Y/n. But, I don’t care what you want. I don’t care what you need.” Rafe was no longer yelling, his voice was low and every bit of contempt was laced into every word. “You’re so fucking irritating and honestly I can’t stand being around you. You’re too fucking clingy. That shit you’re always complaining about your aunt and uncle doing? I don’t care.” 

Y/n and Topper were both silent, they didn’t know what to say or do. Rafe’s words were cutting deeply into Y/n and her resolve began to crumble, her eyes began to fill with tears and she looked down at her feet before her chin was tilted back up by Rafe so she was looking at him. 

“Did I hurt your feelings by telling you the fucking truth? Go cry about it somewhere else and get out of my face, you disgust me.” Rafe seethed, a sinister smirk had pulled the corner of his mouth up and it only grew once the first tear slid down the side of her face. He let go of her face and turned his back to her as he went to the desk in the corner and began to pour some white powder out, everything else was silent as Topper and Y/n felt frozen in place for a moment until Rafe’s voice suddenly broke the silence once more. 

“I told you to get out of my fucking face and don’t come back, you disgust me.” Rafe hadn’t even glanced in her direction as he spoke, which made the broken girl quickly grab her phone and her purse before she rushed from the confines of Rafe’s bedroom. The sound of the front door slamming not even a minute later made Topper realize just how badly everything had just gone, his attention now on Rafe, who was bent over his desk snorting a line of coke, Topper felt angry for Y/n and wanted to go comfort her but he also wanted to confront Rafe. 

“Do you realize that you just completely destroyed her? Do you even care? Have you taken one fucking minute to sit down and think about everything she has done for you and everything she has put up with because of you, Rafe?” Topper said as he stared at the sandy blonde haired man with every emotion swirling in his eyes, his voice remained firm and this made Rafe actually turn to look at the shorter male. “She deserves so much fucking better than you, hell, she even deserves better than me.” 

Topper could see the realization flashing across Rafe’s face, but he wasn’t done saying what he needed to. “For some reason Y/n decided to give us her body, her loyalty, her everything, including her love. Rafe, you just sat here and destroyed her emotionally for what reason?” Topper hadn’t raised his voice in the slightest and that seemed to get under Rafe’s skin, the taller man rose to his feet and rolled his eyes, to intoxicated from the alcohol and coke coursing through him. 

“Top, I don’t care. Now are you going to stop being so pussy whipped long enough to actually have fun? Cause if not then you can leave just like she did, cause either way there’s plenty of other desperate bitches to fuck besides her.” 

It was almost two weeks before Y/n got the first present on the hood of her car, inside the box was a note card with “I’m sorry for everything, please forgive me? ~R.C” written on it. Along with the note was a bunch of room decor she had been talking about getting for several weeks, sighing loudly and closing the box before tossing it into the backseat as she tried to ignore the tug in her chest to call Rafe. 

Once she arrived home and realized her Aunt and Uncle were gone it was like one tiny weight was lifted from her shoulders, carrying the box from Rafe up the stairs to her room as she basked in the silence of the house. Y/n set the box in her closet before closing the doors and changing into some comfortable clothes, dropping herself onto the welcoming bed caused her to let out another sigh. 

She laid on her back staring up at the white ceiling for a very long time that night just thinking, would this cycle with Rafe just continue if she forgave him again? Would she be able to remain in a relationship with just Topper or would she need to break it off with both men in order to escape this constant cycle with Rafe?

The relationship she had with both men individually was so different from the other, she would love to say that everything about her relationship was sweet and both men made her feel unbelievably happy. But Y/n couldn’t say either of those things and have them be true at this current point in time, the relationship dynamic was like salt and sugar. 

[heavenfell-au]

✦ Memory Lane contest results ✦

First off, I want to thank the people that partook in the contest ! I can hardly imagine having to pick only one scene from my own story, so kudos to each one of you for managing to do it !

Now, without further ado, here's the first submission that was submitted on Discord, realized by Arplenoon !

« TW: Blood, injury, disturbing imagery

I got into Undertale and read Heavenfell back around 2020 and early 2021. There were a lot of things that happened to me in that time that deeply hurt me, separate from the anxiety of the pandemic, but probably had been brought on by it's pressures. Needless to say, I was having it rough. Abandoned, stalked and harassed by my former friends, I let my mind escape into Undertale AUs. Undertale AUs let me forget about myself. Going to work was hard. I'd sit in the breakroom, curled up, trying not to let my thoughts consume me- and often failing. It was during that time, huddled in one of the bigger chairs at work, I read Heavenfell every day for a week.

It was cathartic for me, and helped me process a lot of what I was going through. Even though I wasn't anywhere close to the same situation Frisk found themself in, the scenes where they spiraled in thoughts about their life on the surface resonated with me- Because that was me, tormented by the same demons. Someone knew what I was going through, and I wasn't alone.

I can confidently say that because of that I'm still here today.

Thank you. »

I can already tell you that this hits hard. You've selected a scene from Their Wings that hits very close to home, and I absolutely adore the way you've depicted Frisk's torments, which each bone digging into them carved with words that the ghosts of their past said, cutting them through and through. I love the fact that those bones, along with the vivid red of their clothes, blood and their soul tearing apart pop out against the darkness that surrounds them, all that that giant skeletal hands are craddling them in their palms, giving the sensation that they're at the mercy of death itself as they scream in absolute despair, or in that case, Sans if not both of the skeleton brothers. I really appreciate that we can also see the remnants of Flowey, illustrated here, reminding us the impact of his loss in the story, that he was Frisk's guardian but also their best friend, leaving them stranded in their time of need. There are so many little details here and there that tell about that specific part of Frisk's story, making such an impactful delivery of the message, alongside with the silhouettes that haunt them in their turmoil, ever so faded and yet, very present.

For the technique, it's an amazing artpiece made with watercolors. It's such a difficult media for me to handle, and it's always so mesmerizing to see you realize one of them, and this time, having to handle with so many shades of black. I wish I had an ounce of patience and technique that you have when handling that medium, making me all the more admirative of your craft. The execution is great, for the colors are vibrant against the deep shades of black, and I'm always admirative of people that are able to use that paint type without their paper curling, which requires some type of preparation and knowledge ! The result of this gorgeous illustration, with that particular attention to the red and white colors clashing with the deep black makes it absolutely chilling and nerve-wracking, even more so with how well you illustrated Frisk's agony. You could almost hear their screams. Gorgeous, I'm devouring this work of art. It is delicious.

Next submission is from Cao-the-Dreamer on Tumblr !

« « More like “Adorable Dog” for me ! » you said.

My entry for #HeavenfellContest2024 by @heavenfell-au ! I choose the scene in chapter 15 (Sweet Brothers), where Frisk meets A.D. :3 Whenever I think of Their Wings, it is the first scene that comes to my mind. Is it because I love animals? Because it was a moment of fluff and peace amidst Frisk's painful journey? I think it's both. And yes, the dog is adorable <3

I've been working with shadow puppets for a while now, and I decided to try my hand with Eowyn's characters. I really liked the result! (I've been inspired by Michel Ocelot's works) :3

Here is le théâtre d'ombre in broad daylight: »

You know what ? Seeing your submission made me smile so much ! A.D is such a good pupper and I'm so glad it got to get the spotlight ! (badumtss)

It is such a lovely take on their proper encounter, and the way you portrayed it is so simple, yet so effective and I absolutely love it, for it provides that vision of their bonding experience, as A.D remembered what Frisk did to save its life, and was willing to give them a chance in return. And the way they're staring deep into each other's gaze is so precious and tender, you know what the energy it gives me ? How to train your Dragon vibes, with Hiccup and Toothless having that very unique and special bond. That's what it makes me think of, and the fact that you picked that very tiny scene, for the reasons you mentioned, I'm fucking tearing up at this. I just adore your portrayal of their friendship, and how you selected a simple moment of peace and love in that dark and painful story of Their Wings.

You know what else amazed me ? The medium you used for your submission ! I love how you took the risk to use another type of media, to experience with shadow puppets. Looking back at Michel Ocelot's work, I can definitely see the inspiration, and it's such a nice way to make a tribute to another amazing artist ! I have never experimented with shadow puppets myself, to be honest, I've never thought of it being an option, and that submission was a very pleasant surprise ! I'm very happy you got to choose that medium, despite your drawing talents, I absolutely love people trying out things and taking the risk in a contest itself even  ! As I stated above, it is even moreso unique, and the execution is fantastic. The simplicity makes it all the more enjoyable, for such a simple scene, putting all the energy into the characters and the formation of their friendship, all put together thanks to the light source that gives into that intimate atmosphere. Plus, I can tell that while it is a simple looking result, it must have taken a lot of time having to carve and assemble all the pieces together, without counting the measuring, the placements and the light play. Un grand bravo for this artwork, it definitely lingered on my mind for the rest of the day when I've laid my eyes on it.

Last submission by victenSam !

« The illustration in Chapter 5 – Sweet Trap was one the first scenes that stuck with me, I enjoy the happy vibes. I brought it to life with minor dramatic liberties taken to spice up this short cutscene while still maintaining the overall feel. A paragraph done old-school video-game style, all recorded within a game engine. A happy moment that preludes the turning point of the story.

Reading through Heavenfell felt really inspiring to me. They really put it all in not just the writing, but in all the illustrations, character designs and singing. Not to mention how they’re rocking it in 3D modelling outside Heavenfell as well! This sincere multimedia externalization brought into the fan-work amazed me and helped me give myself a bit of a push to keep pursuing and learning things to hone my own craft. Unfortunately, due to the nature of both game development and making, it became quite a solitary effort on my part. And so, as both a way to honor their work and apply what I’ve been learning, I decided to make a game related entry within the schedule and theme of this contest. I honestly didn’t think I could pull something like this off; I’m glad I tried and I’m happy with the results.

There’s modelling, texturing, sound design, music, coding and directing all creatively put together only by myself just for this piece of animation. I leaned a lot of new things and tested whole new methods and theories in the making of the cutscene. I could go into a lot of details on how every element came together, but I’ll leave that open for any questions that come my way to avoid huge tangents. I hope you all enjoy this little piece of memory. »

Wow.

Just... Wow.

For sure, that one got me gobsmacked. And if the previous submission hadn't gotten me smiling like an idiot, I found myself in absolute awe and I hardly repressed the giggle at the end ! I was breathtaken by the pressing atmosphere until the very moment that those two friends finally let go of the fear and laughed it out, finding myself to do the same, letting go of a breath that I hadn't realized I had stuck in my throat. The fact that you've taken so much time to not just illustrate, but make an entire animation had me floored !! It definitely reminded me of that one illustration that I made myself about that specific scene where Flowey and Frisk were laughing in relief, laying in the snow. That was such a nice little reference, and that made me smile even more! That was a very interesting scene that you picked, all the more heartbreaking knowing what comes afterwards, and that makes me cherish that moment all the more. There was so much nostalgy that I felt there, even felt myself mourning all over again, that was a very strange experience, but I welcome it. Thank you so much for showing Flowey the love he deserved <3

Oh god, there's so much to tell. It is truly a work of art. There's so many mediums put into play there, as you said, there was modeling, there was texturing, sound design and music, and even coding. I also can imagine the storyboard to create the scenes, and all of those details that we happen to forget at times, just so you can render a cutscene of my written story. Truly, I was not only floored by the story telling through your eyes, but by the amount of work you put into this ! It was an amazing surprise to see that kind of work appear for this contest, you're a very talented content creator and this animation is proof of it, knowing that it was made in a game mechanic mind. I lack the words to say how good the technique is for it exceeds anything that I ever imagined. Watching it over and over again, I keep hoping that someday, you get to make an entire game, or even to be hired because there's an incredible potential in you ! It's inspiring seeing how much of your blood and sweat were put into this in record time, I could never hope to do anything like that myself, making me all the more admirative. My best kudos to you, Sam, and thank you for honouring my work this way. <3

That's all for the submissions for Memory Lane. I'm extremely glad that you three had participated, though it feels unfair now to judge your creations when there were only so many participants, which made it harder for me to make decisions, as curious as it is. I've been wondering whether I just let go of the Prize system to give you all the same one, but it kind of goes against a contest, doesn't it ? So I'll still announce the results. Know that each one of your creations made me feel a certain type of way, and I cherished every single one of them. For different reasons, you all deserved the first place, but rules being the rules, I had to be realistic, which is why the importance of technique was there.

So comes to third place, Arplenoon, with his heart-wrenching painting !

To the second place comes Cao the Dreamer, with a very moving shadow puppet !

And the first place goes to victenSAM with his breathtaking cutscene !!

Since I wanted to thank you personally for giving my contest a chance, you all will have an extra in your prizes, as a way to find a middle ground with my prior tug of war <3 Thank you so much for the amount of love you gave to this project. I'll come in contact with you so we can discuss the prize shipping and all the like !

I'll also be reblogging the artpieces posted on tumblr for everyone to enjoy !

[sprytesukii]

hello friends!

long time, no see! i didn’t mean to fall off the face of the planet, but i was overwhelmed and burnt out, and had to take time away as a creator on this platform and figure out how to enjoy consuming media again. i finally think im at that place!

i’ve been working on a few fics — long form works, mostly — and i was planning on coming back when they were done, but as a film student who’s currently writing a feature length film (i would Love to talk about it, it is my Baby), i realized that wouldn’t quite happen and that the artificial deadline i placed on myself was only making me more anxious about coming back.

anyway! that being said, i probably won’t immediately be actively writing as i get back in the swing of things, but feel free to send asks and see what comes of them!

as its been a while since i’ve been active on tumblr, here are a few things that have changed about me and my interests so you can get a good idea of what i’d be interested in writing for and chatting about!

1. (not an interest but) i go by dylan, now and my pronouns are he/they ! please, please respect that <3

2. i’ve dipped my toe into the pedro pascal pool and having a little bit of fun there alongside jujitsu kaisen, saltburn & marvel!

3. that being said, i’m not interested in haikyuu anymore - not entirely, just not writing for! (i’m still throughly invested in bnha 🙏)

4. although i’m back, i’m not the same as i was with endless time and patience! please respect me with your asks and i’ll do the same to you <33

i don’t know what else i want to say but i have appreciated you all so so much and i’m excited to be back, muah <3

[bonesandthebees]

I just rounded off my period so a massive L to all of you I suppose /lhj

I'm in so much pain about the Wilbur situation in general and have so many mixed feelings. Like I've only just got a chance to sit down and read his 'apology' and all of the replies from content creators and (ex)fans alike. I was so close to throwing up that I had to close the tab /gen.

I've never really watched Shubble content, nor have I had a chance to watch her full vod on the issue, so my first instinct was to be a good little media sieve and try to be open-minded before making an opinion. I won't lie, I was trying very hard to convince myself that it wasn't Wilbur and everyone was jumping to conclusions (though the more I read made that less and less likely).

I was worried for Wilbur's group (tommy, phil, charlie etc) because there was no way they could stream without being harassed by it, and worried partially for Wilbur as well because of various mental health problems that he's admitted to in the past.

Now that he's responded, though, everything's so much worse. As someone who struggled with being on the victim side of abuse for a while, I feel awful for Shelby and everything that happened to her.

Charlie, Ranboo, Tubbo etc have all responded (most very passionately so I have no doubt where they stand), so that's good for them, but tommy and phil have yet to. I can't help but wonder if Techno knew, if it had even started by then or if Wilbur didn't tell him.

I've seen people making reasonable assumptions about signs in past content that may have pointed to Wilbur's abuse, but there are some people making reaches that don't even make sense and now I can barely consume content or even remember videos that i used to be fond of without worrying that it was just Wilbur manipulating people.

Also, as far as I'm aware, none of lovejoy have replied to the situation (apart from the ex trumpeter), so ash, mark and joe are getting hate when they haven't done anything (though I may have just not seen it yet).

Some part of my brain is convinced this is all some horrible nightmare and I'll wake up able to laugh and joke about SBI content with my friends, even if I know that'll likely never happen again.

If there's one thing for certain, it's that his response was not an apology. I do believe that he thought long and hard about it (even if it was just for superficial PR reasons) and maybe ran it by people he trusted, but it was not what he should have said in response to Shelby coming forward about his abuse. All he's done is dig a bigger hole and now thousands of his (ex)supporters have to live with the consequences of his actions.

Honestly, I just feel sad. Sad that it happened, sad that Wilbur isn't who I thought he was and sad that my life will be drastically different from here on out.

Sorry that that was so heavy. I just feel really confused and there's a pit in my stomach that's churning horribly.

-🌺 <3

oh of course SOMEONE just had to finish their period right when the rest of us get it smh /lh

yeah, this is such a horrible situation overall. for me at least his response made the situation somewhat more tolerable because it felt like a closure moment. it made me realize, oh, he was really awful the entire time and this shit apology proves it. however, I'm sure in a few days the reality will hit me and I'll feel awful again. it's not fun realizing someone you admired and were a fan of for so long was a completely different kind of person than the guy he presented himself as.

I don't know where you heard that charlie responded, because as far as I'm aware he has not said anything anywhere about this situation yet.

I also don't think it's very worthwhile for people to be combing through old vods and videos for 'questionable moments' they can point at and be like "look he was abusive the whole time!" because we don't know what's going on in cc's personal lives. more than anything that should be the take away here. we don't know these people, we don't know their personal relationships, we shouldn't be trying to pinpoint every questionable moment and prove something with it because we're not in these personal relationships with wilbur. the other cc's are. basically, don't overthink what you see in old vods or old videos. it's not going to help whatsoever and it's none of our business.

I've also had the thought that this feels like a nightmare I could wake up from. I've had that thought every day since shelby's stream first happened. but unfortunately that's not the case, and we need to focus instead on supporting the victims here

I'm sorry there's not much I can say to help. just try to take care of yourself. give yourself time. it'll get a bit easier with each passing day.

[imthatpowerful]

a lil yapping lowkey 😪😓

also i know im not the only one w these experiences, i think it’s something everyone experienced actually so please share ur experiences if u have similar ones cuz i’m intrigued.

i was thinking n shi and i js realized ive been a master manifestor and shifter and allat since i was a kid before i even knew the name of what i was doing 😭😭😭 i manifested a couples things like my height, 🍒 size, me moving to the US and prolly a lot of other things and all i did was persist in the idea that one day i was gonna have those things. sometimes id pretend i alr had those things. i didn’t even know what i was doing was manifesting and when i got exactly what i wanted i was shocked 😭 lowkey regret manifesting those so imma undo those but anyways that’s not the point.

i also def shifted and astral projected as a kid as well. i have vivid memories from when i FIRST gained consciousness at 3 they’re kinda vague but i can remember the feeling vividly. i remember this one night i was sleeping and suddenly i was out of my body and floating to the ceiling, i felt like a balloon, i was attached to my body by a string, i saw myself sleeping. and i kind of went through the ceiling. i was really scared and didn’t know what was happening and i wanted it to stop, and then it did. and i don’t think it happened once. i remember this VIVIDLY. it’s a core memory, not sure if it was a dream tho bc that whole era where i was newly conscious was kind of like weird but i bet on my life it was real and i astral projected that night.

i remember a BIG airport looking place i was in before i was born or before i was conscious it was orange tinted my mom was there, i was a baby, and there were other babies and mothers there. it was like a baby airport or something idfk and mothers i think were picking up their babies, but i was alr w my mom so i didn’t know why we were still there. i think that was my spawn point. i also remember a big green grass field and a big windmill w red blue green and yellow fans and a farm (all based off this ad i saw on tv) istg i was there either in a dream or irl but it was def irl bc some of my earliest dreams i remember literally were so simple like a woman in a red dress and a man in a suit running and the ground breaking beneath them or this vampire movie we had on dvd as a dream but 10x scarier, plus i was rarely (actually never) a character in my dreams when i first started dreaming. i also remember playing w my brother and suddenly i was in his pov and i could see myself. def shifted on accident. could’ve also been a dream. there are also other occurrences like when i first started watching nursery rhymes etc. any arab moots know exactly what video im boutta describe. it’s that video of nancy ajram i think and she’s a fairy and she’s saying not to scribble on the wall i think it said shakhbat shakhabeet. that was like one of the first medias i consumed as a kid. i remember being in the village for the nancy ajram mv istg, like i was there it felt so real my memory is so vague but i remember seeing a fairy and being in the middle of the village and a forest that’s all i remember but i remember the feeling. and there’s def more times ive shifted. but like i could yap on and on about if i remembered but it’ll be too long.

i also think i’ve lucid dreamt but can’t remember any specific core memory or occurrence.

like overall i think i naturally knew all of that and then when i got old enough to learn religion and stuff like that’s when i stopped being able to do allat. i remember being bummed out to find out allat wasn’t real and i actually lowkey refused to believe in my religion at first i remember my granny and mom telling me to say the thing that would make me a member of the religion and i crossed my arms and refused and they told me not to do that. ever since then i let go of any belief i had of the supernatural. deep down though,i was a lil agnostic and i carried doubts that the supernatural wasn’t real bc i knew what i experienced, but i was scared of going to hell (now ik that what u believe and assume happens after death is what manifests) so i fought those thoughts. all those memories of me doing those things were burried, and since it was an early memory i convinced myself it was prob a dream. but again what 3 yr old has VIVID dreams that feel real. now that i believe in this stuff again i know i used to do allat. and it was so normal for me. so glad these things found me again though. maybe that’s why i didn’t hesitate to believe in this stuff or question it when i rediscovered it.

having to unlearn what society conditioned me to believe has been a really long journey but i can feel myself becoming that little girl again who literally was shifting and astral projecting like it was nobody’s business.

if u made it this far thank you i love you 💗 here’s a cookie. and js know you WILL shift and have everything you ever wanted. heck you already have it now!

[lananakay]

Why Do (Straight) Women Produce and Consume Gay Media? A Think Piece-

AMC's Interview With The Vampire Season 2 is about to wrap up. Once again, the fact that "The Vampire Chronicles", (which is well known for its homoeroticism) were written by a woman and the fandom is largely composed of women has brought back the questions: "Why do straight women write stories centering around gay men?", "Why do straight women ship straight male characters together?", and of course "Why do straight women like BL and gay porn?" These questions are often followed by criticisms, judgment, and accusations. Well, as a woman who has been a fan of homoerotic/romantic media involving men, I would like to share with you my self-assessment and input.

We need to get a few disclaimers out of the way first:

To start, this is the internet so I feel like I need to point out that when I say "straight women" I mean some, not all. it also needs to be said that I am just a random person. I am expressing my opinion and sharing my perspective on this topic as a Graysexual, Hetero-Romantic, Cisgender Woman, who sometimes consumes homoerotic and romantic content involving men. The following is a assessment drawn from looking inward at myself and assessing the actions of others. My words are my own and I do not speak for all (or really any) women.

it goes without saying that anyone can enjoy any story. Not being a part of a community does not mean you cannot or should not enjoy the stories that come from them. Sharing stories is a way humans connect, teach, and learn. However...

A gay man being uncomfortable or feeling fetishized when straight women write gay romances, ship men together, or watch gay porn is VALID. The fetishization of people in the LGBTQIA+ community happens regularly. The fact is, some women are weird, creepy, and even downright disrespectful. Some women do, in fact, have a fetish for gay men and gay relationships and this post is in no way suggesting those people don't exist. Fetishization is also very prominent in communities of color and, as a woman of color myself, I have experienced this first hand and understand that icky feeling. It is harmful, hurtful and is something I plan on making a post about in the future. Fetishization is the flipside of any "ism" or "phobia". Take a celebrities for example. Both fans and anti-fans are two sides of the same coin. They follow, interact with, talk about, and even obsess over the celebrity, but one is motivated by positivity and the other by negativity. It's the same with fetishization, both "phobes"/"ists" and fetishizers dehumanize a person based on superficial characteristics, ignorance, and stereotypes. One manifests itself in hate and the other in obsession (sexual or otherwise). This post specifically will examine why a woman who DOES NOT have a fetish for gay men and relationships would compose or enjoy homoerotic media.

Let's start with the question: "Why do women write stories (erotic or otherwise), centering around gay men?"

TLDR: Ease, Escapism, Heterosexuality, and just a touch of Self Hate:

Growing up I loved writing. I wrote many short stories and, like Anne Rice (author of Interview With The Vampire), almost all my protagonists were male. Some of them were gay. Why is that? As women, we have to learn to deal with and battle self-hate. This is true for any minority. When you grow up an outlier, you have to contend with hate, both blatant and inadvertent, that seeps into you from all directions. It becomes easy to write a story from the perspective of the standard, the accepted, the free. Not only were a lot of my characters men, a lot of them were not black either. Although I didn't realize it at the time, doing this was a type of escapism. The opportunity to imagine existing in the world without being bound by social and societal limitations. Just changing your Gender can allow you to live in a different time and still be seen as a person. Imagine traveling freely without thinking about the limitations and consequences a person of your race, religion, or disability might face. You also don't have to adjust your writing to justify how your character is allowed in their setting because, realistically, they would never be accepted or permitted.

Anne herself said this about writing Lestat DeLioncourt, that he was the man she "secretly wanted to be", pointing out that he was free to do the things he wanted without the limitations of being a woman. We see this a lot in written media. Think of "The Outsiders", "Harry Potter", and "Frankenstein". None romantic, but all best-selling books surrounding male protagonists, but written by women.

As for why a lot of women write gay male characters specifically, I think it mostly has to do with self-insertion, but also that escapism again. Moving back to Anne specifically, both Louis and Lestat were self-insert characters, and even though their genders don't match her own, they are still her and thus attracted to men. Honestly, I feel like sometimes it's that simple. Not only that, but when both characters are men, you don't see that societal power imbalance that you naturally see between men and women. He doesn't treat him "like a woman". They are naturally equals and that alone provides an escapist romance. (When I say naturally equals I mean at a base level excluding things like class, race, etc.)

Next Question: Why do women fantasize about and ship straight male characters in gay relationships?

TL:DR Because they're basically already in an ideal platonic relationship. The shippers just like to add some spice.

Another Set Of Disclaimers:

This is purely speculation! I don't ship and don't have really any experience with this so I'm speculating on why I think (a non-fetish having) straight woman would ship 2 straight male characters.

This section is only referring to FICTIONAL characters. I find the shipping of real people off-putting in general (regardless of gender) and it's not something I want to get into here.

Continuing the theme of poorly written female characters: The fact that many shows and movies fail "The Bechdel Test" makes it no surprise that, in many stories, the lovers have no love. Again, I'm not a shipper. However, while reading about different ships between (presumably) straight male characters, I assed their points of view and pondered on why they would see two straight male characters and think they would make a good romantic pairing. The common denominator seemed to be the connection between the characters. Frequently, it seems the love interest, girlfriend, or wife of a male protagonist is little more than background. We know nothing about her and in turn, the protagonist seems to know nothing about her. He spends barely any time with her and she's often just a reference used for motivation. When they do spend time together the dialogue is minimal and the interaction superficial. Outside of her proximity to the protagonist, there is nothing to suggest they love each other.

However, their best friend? Their sidekick? Their frenemy? They know everything about them, they know their pain and struggles, they know their joy and peace. They are there for every important moment and are usually the ones to catch them when they fall and share in the triumph when they win. Not to mention the power dynamic again. They are seen (and see each other) as equals.

Now, if you want to write a fanfiction (erotic or not) and insert yourself into it, whose shoes would you rather be in? Even the antagonist or villain has more of a connection with the main character than their love interest. They know everything about them and spend more time and energy on them, even if it's trying to take them down.

In general, (fictional) women spend a lot of time on the back burner of a man's life. The things I am about to say are GROSS GENERALIZATIONS, but ones regularly perpetuated in the entertainment industry. Men and women can't be friends. Men see women as something to be pursued and won. Men don't talk to women about things important to them, they don't share in or care about their interests, and in the event they do, it's to meet that goal of winning her. Once they succeed and the wedding ends, she becomes a possession to be safeguarded or, more likely, a nag and a burden. She's then seen as that man's weakness, the "old ball and chain", a responsibility and someone he is forced to spend time with. Constantly and consistently the drag, the nag, and the butt of the joke.

Who wants to be that? I'd rather be the Chip to Dale, the Spock to Kirk, the Sasuke to Naruto, or even the Joker to Batman. To be someone they want to be around, talk to, and be with for more than just sex and societal obligation. When shippers see that meaningful connection between characters, it makes sense to dream up a scenario where those two just end up together.

Or maybe they just wanna fantasize about two attractive characters doin' it and I'm over analyzing. Like I mention, this is speculation because I'm on the outside looking in on this one.

Remember, the above is NOT a critique of real men or men in general. I love men and masculinity. This post is about media and fiction. Lets also remember that there are plenty of great hetero-romances that are the total opposite of the above gross generalizations. A couple of my favorite pairings include the 1960's portrayal of Morticia and Gomez from "The Addams Family" and Stan and Francine from "American Dad!" I love me some Francine!

Last but certainly not least! Why do straight women watch gay porn?

TL:DR: The male gaze ruining straight porn, insecurity, and liking men being something gay men and straight women have in common.

I have the most experience with this one. As some of you may know, I used to collect gay adult films. So, why as a straight woman would I want to watch gay porn? It must be a fetish, right? I must have some weird obsession with gayness, right? Actually, it's not that deep and really simple once you spell it out.

Let's start with the obvious: Porn is made for men. They are the target audience and the main consumer. Straight porn is targeted towards straight men and focuses on the women while the man is in the background, his looks a bygone afterthought.

Lesbian porn is also geared toward straight men and focuses on the woman...because it's all women! It is often an example of fetishization and hyper-sexualization of the queer community as well. However, women who are sexually attracted to other women also consume lesbian porn for obvious reasons. They like vaginas and may not be particularly fond of penises. Plus, I'm sure if you like vaginas, two might be better than one.

Speaking of genitalia. I'd like to point something out. On some of the more popular adult sites, If you are looking for a woman doing "solo" activities you would find it in the straight category. It seems anything pertaining to women and sex is seen as "straight", including a lot of lesbian porn. However, if you look for a man doing "solo" activities you will mainly find that in the "gay" category. The assumption seems to be that if you are on the site you are a man, and if you're watching a heterosexual scene or a scene with women, you're presumed to be a straight man. However, if you're looking at a man with no woman in the scene, you must be a gay man. Women seem to be rarely considered. So as a woman, most of my time is spent in the gay section even If I'm not looking for homoerotic content and just want to see a good-looking naked man.

Moving on. Gay porn is made for gay men, so men are the focus of the scene and therefore more attractive. Do you know who else is sexually attracted to men? Straight women. Do you know who also doesn't want to watch porn where the focus is a woman? Straight women. Do you know who also thinks 2 penises are better than one? (Some) Straight woman. It makes 1 to 1 sense that some straight woman would like gay porn for a lot of the same reasons gay men do simply because we are both sexually attracted to men.

While collecting adult films, one of the series I really liked was called "Straight Style." It was (obviously) produced by a gay label and the premise of the film was to see how the models interact with and have sex with women. I enjoyed this series because it gave me a chance to watch heterosexual scenes, but because the target audience was gay men, the women weren't moaning obnoxiously loud which was (and is) a 100% turn off for me. They just had regular sex and the male model was the focus rather than the camera being all up in the girl's cooch and boobs the whole time. I was also eventually able to find a label that made porn "for women" which again provided heterosexual porn focused on the man with the women acting realistically and not dramatically for the male gaze. The women were also "normal". Meaning they weren't hyper sexualized with extensive work done. They just looked like everyday women. Which was oddly comforting and brings me to last point, which can also serve as an answer to all three questions.

Insecurity.

During my self assessment this came up over and over again. I think that subconsciously my insecurities played a role in my enjoyment of homoerotic media. Humans constantly compare themselves to one another. It's natural. However, women (and especially young girls) have pressure placed on their looks and compare themselves to others much more frequently and sometimes to an unhealthy extent. There has been more than one occasion where I've daydreamed about a guy I like or a celebrity and then gotten sad because I know he doesn't like girls like me. I've watched straight porn and (aside from the antics of an overdramatic leading lady...and vaginas), been turned off because "that's obviously what men like, and that's not me." With gay romance, I'm not comparing myself to a anyone because there's nothing to compare. And, for the third time, I can (sometimes) still get the dynamic of feminine and masculine energies in love without the power imbalance. Simply put, I can immerse myself in the story and enjoy it more because my insecurity is on the back burner.

I feel like this was true for a younger me. As I've matured and grown into an adult my insecurities have lessened considerably.

All in all the reason for this post is to offer some perspective and give a point of view that may not have been considered.

[butmakeitgayblog]

Just to throw in a couple points real quick (because I can never keep an opinion to myself 😔 sorry), I personally kind of dislike the idea of a male and female gaze — not because I disagree with the concept of fetishism and objectification existing, they ABSOLUTELY do, but because of what people, particularly online, have come to accept they mean.

There has recently been discourse surrounding Love Lies Bleeding, a film created almost solely by queer women, “catering to the male gaze” which… I’m sure I don’t need to explain how silly that is lmao. I think this new wave of leftists clutching their pearls over literally any sign of sexual attraction and considering it to be synonymous with objectification has distorted people’s views of what these terms actually mean and have resulted in their gross misuse. Not to make this about me 💅🏻 but I see a lot of this similar discourse about trans people BY CIS PEOPLE whom are trying to be good allies by basically claiming that any sign of sexual attraction towards a trans person’s body is inherently fetishistic which I can’t lie… I kind of consider to be transphobic itself lol? You’re allowed to be sexually attracted to trans people and express that, no matter how their bodies look! The point at which it becomes fetishistic relies primarily on the WAY you express that and the language used — and I think that can apply to queer people in general too. I personally (and others may feel differently!) have zero issue with cis people enjoying trans NSFW content, and I also have no problem with straight women enjoying MLM content; because most of the time, I can tell from the LANGUAGE they use whether or not they are fetishising.

Point being, fetishism and objectification can go ALL ways and I don’t think people need to give excuses as to why they enjoy a certain type of content as long as it isn’t actively harming anyone. But I obviously can’t speak for everyone (especially queer women, I only identified as one for a year or two when I was a preteen lol) and people’s experiences tend to shape their opinions on these things 😅

Right and that's why I firmly stand behind my initial post about how it's no one's job to police people for what kind of content they consume! Because we don't know their motivations for how ot why they personally are interacting/consuming the work. It's incredibly easy to write off all enjoyment of a specific brand of content as fetishizing or sexualization when in reality, for the consumer it isn't that at all. My only point on the last ask was that sometimes, sometimes, it's easy to actually be doing exactly that (fetishizing etc) and not realizing it.

Intentions matter absolutely, but they're not the be-all-end-all of reality. It's like if I as a white person were to say something racist without realizing it was racist. That doesn't negate the racism, and it doesn't absolve me of my culpability, because my ignorance to my actions doesn't supercede my impact. You can be guilty of something without knowing that you are, and that's something you as person have to evaluate and confront on a personal basis. That was my only point in relation to what that anon said.

Again to reiterate, that is NOT saying that everyone who prefers queer work to straight work is guilty of that, because they're not. Full stop. And that alone is why I don't think anyone has or should have the authority to pass judgment on who can and can't consume certain kinds of media. Because, like you said, then you start wading into the murky waters of painting everyone with a broad brush, throwing accusations around that are universally damning despite not actually being universally true. And considering we're living in a period where puritan anti-sex brainrot is on the rise (alongside a deeply unsettling culture of condemnation over every little thing), opening that door can become very dangerous very fast. We're seeing it already.

I will tack on just as a thought regarding the trans character issue, I think that's kind of a perfect example of all these ideas aligning. Just in the most bare bones way of putting it: there is nothing inherently fetishizing about a cis person enjoying work including trans characters. There's nothing inherently fetishizing about a cis person enjoying, specifically, smut involving trans characters. There is nothing inherently fetishizing about a cis person preferring trans character stories over other kinds of media. However, if all they as a cis person consume is extremely sexualized renditions of trans characters, if their only interest in trans characters is porn - generally mostly devoid of complex storylines that create a fully rounded character -, then yeah I do think that's something they on an individual basis need to evaluate about themselves, because it's the difference between having a sexual attraction to a subsection of people versus seeing those same people as purely sexual objects. Does that make sense?

Same can be true for any other queer content being consumed by people that aren't historically the target audience.

But again, it's not really anyone else's place to make that call for anyone else.

[henry-fox-biggest-stan]

thank you for making that video about pride, i was going through it w my internalized homophobia and not only is the editing itself (sound and visual) brilliant, i think its something im gonna be rewatching. thank you thank you thank you 🤍

My job here is done

I also struggle with internalized homophobia, right now not so much, it comes and goes, but with myself I’m fine. It attacks when it comes to thinking about other people seeing me as a lesbian, and knowing I like women. Me acknowledging I’m as lesbian as it can get? Sure, makes sense, not surprised. Other people knowing this? Horrible, bad, makes me feel weird and dirty (because of the oversexualization of queerness all around).

However, I’m a big gay supporter. I mainly consume queer media, and research queer history, and it came to a point where, while yes, I don’t think I want to come out to others because internalized homophobia, I acknowledge I’m so lucky to be like this. We have a rich history behind us, a history of love and identity. And love meaning all kinds, whether it’s romantic, or sexual, or platonic, or self-love. A history of deviation. I love the term deviant. I understand it’s not for everyone, for most is a horrible insult, but while I can’t say lesbian out loud (internalized homophobia), I’m fine calling myself a deviant. Perhaps it’s because no one ever called me that, but I like it, find comfort and recognition in that word. Deviant, what do I deviate from? The norm, the patriarchy, what’s normal, what’s natural, what’s moral, what’s right. Queerness is just that. They’re not wrong. Queerness is a deviation. However not a deviation of what they think. Not a deviation of nature, of morality, of what’s right. But a deviation of life. At least, the way it’s supposed to be lived.

There’s this quote by Ocean Voung: "Being queer saved my life. Often we see queerness as deprivation. But when I look at my life, I saw that queerness demanded an alternative innovation from me. I had to make alternative routes; it made me curious; it made me ask, “Is this enough for me?"

And this one by bell hooks: “queer not as being about who you're having sex with (that can be a dimension of it); but queer as being about the self that is at odds with everything around it and has to invent and create and find a place to speak and to thrive and to live."

Both of these explain it better than I can. Being queer, you make a life for yourself. Outside of norms, of stereotypes, of binaries and expectations. Being queer makes your life better. It makes it harder too, but better. It makes you live fully, freely, in a way that perhaps you may have never lived if you weren’t queer (of course, each person is a world, but being queer, being just in your natural state [lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, etc], that already sets you aside, makes you different. When you’re already different, it’s easier to examine your life, what they want for you, what you really want. If your natural state [straight and cisgender] is already considered the norm, looking further into everything is more scary, looks less attainable, because it makes you lose the security you have in being the “right way”. Society doesn’t set you aside, if you go and begin realizing that maybe the life you want is not the one expected for you (not following gender roles, not marrying at all [specially as a woman], etc) you lose this privilege, you begin being set aside, considered different. If you’re already different no matter what, then you simply think, well, I might as well).

Anyway, where is this going? No idea. Honestly, I’m just ranting. But I love queerness. Internalized homophobia be damned, I love it. Honestly when internalized homophobia hits I never wish to stop loving women, but to have been born a straight man or live in a world where me loving women was “normal”. But never to stop loving them.

What was all this for? I could have said “thank you so much❤️❤️❤️”, and I do thank you for appreciating my video, but idk it got me ranting and when it comes to queerness, once I start ranting I never stop. There have been times where I believed that the reason being lgbt has been frowned upon during (most part of) history, in (most part of) the world, was because other people knew we were better, freer, and it scared them, and they caged us like one cages a free bird. Though that’s a comforting thought (when it comes to internalized homophobia), it’s not true. All sexuality is neutral, it’s neither better to be gay than to be straight, since these are biological phenomenons, that we have no choice over, and than don’t affect animals in nature (meaning, there are straight and lgbt animals, and their lives are the exact same. No lion lives better because they’re gay or straight since sexuality is neutral in nature). Which is also probably what happened to early humans, sexuality didn’t matter, their lives didn’t change depending it. But we’re not early humans, we’re humans living in a society where sexuality and gender do matter, and so, it stops being neutral. When it stops being neutral, it means it begins affecting our life.

But just like it affects us negatively (because I’m not just going to say “oh being queer is so great” because no, it definitely makes your life harder and, depending on your own personal situation, worse), it can also make it better.

In a world where queerness is negative, unnatural, focus on the positive aspects, even if it’s hard, if it seems impossible. Just like it affects us negatively because it’s not a neutral aspect anymore (and hasn’t been for a long time), it can also affects us positively, it goes both ways. Focus on the good, finding joy in being queer, different, a deviant, is as revolutionary as it can get, loving (and again, not simply talking about romantic / sexual love, but, most importantly, self love) is the most revolutionary thing there is in a world where you aren’t supposed to love. Love yourself, first and foremost. Love women, or men, or both, or no one, but yourself first. Loving women might piss lots of people off, but loving yourself when they all tell you you shouldn’t? That you should die? That you should change? That there’s no joy in being the way you are? Yeah, love yourself first.

And to finish this horrible long rant (you didn’t sign up on this I’m so sorry), the lyrics of Lined Lips And Spiked Bats, by G.L.O.S.S.

They wanted me to be a man / They wanted me to become one of them / Straight and repressed, emotions grotesque / Ready for war and the cubicle desk / Straight america, you won't ruin me / Sports and TV indoctrinate the kids / Seems so simple, cause it is / They told us to die, we chose to live / They told us to die, we chose to live

[hollister-mc]

A rant/dump about my current MHA project, I avoid spoilers for the current arcs

Yall I'm literally ill, I've never had a show impact me this much, I've never had characters affect me this much. I stopped watching mha during the Eri arc due to personal shit, like me moving and just losing motivation to watch. I still consumed the media, like fanfics, or honestly chat bots, but I just didn't watch the show anymore. (still havnt but I'm working on it)

I have a long-term fanfic that I've been working on for like... years at this point. It's longer than The Great Gatsby currently. I flip-flopped forever on the main ship, and even if it was going to be an x reader. I think I've ultimately decided that it's going to be Bakudeku/OC. And I need yall to understand why.

I originally started this fanfiction years ago as kinda a crack fic. It was a self insert of me and my best friend at the time. We were twins I put us into the series. Of course, we started it cause we simped for the characters. I wrote it, and she would give me input and ideas, but I ultimately did the main work, which was fine, I was the writer. Our friendship slowly faded, and so I slowly stopped writing. I was hurt for a long time, we were best friends for like 8 years, and she gradually stopped talking to me after she got into her first relationship.

The fic was abandoned for a long time, until during a trip to go see my other best friend across country. We talked about what happened with my old friend. At one point I told her about the abandoned fic I had, how I had started the fic for fun for us, and we had sort of a plot line for our characters, but of course nothing serious, as my ex friend just stopped giving me input and ideas for everything. I told her it made me sad, but overall, I was just bitter from what my ex friend had done. My long-distance friend looked at me and said, "Why don't you just turn it into your own? Redo it. Consider it like a personal revenge." And that my friends, is what sparked a flame in me. I reformed everything, I actually developed lore, I made characters, storylines. In doing so, I realized the main characters were no longer me and my ex friend, but two completely new characters. I won't bullshit you, the main character used to be me, but she, Iris, has completely transformed into this new character. That's why I decided to make it an OC fanfic instead of reader. I put too much work and soul into her, there was no way to portray her in a vague light, enough for anyone to put themselves in her shoes. I worried for a bit, cause I know a lot of people don't like OC stories. But I personally never turned away from OC fics unless the characters personality was too much for me to focus on and insert myself into. Cause I won't lie. I read to escape my reality, most of the time, I put myself into the main characters' shoes. So I figured, I probably wasn't the only one. In the end, I'm doing this for me. If people enjoy it too, then damn that's a plus.

Another thing I want to be clear, yeah I started rewriting this story as a way to express my upset at my ex friend, but truthfully, it's no longer like that. When I think about what happened with my friend, sure, I'm still bitter sometimes. But for the most part, it's become a part of my past, theres nothing I can do to change anything. I've worked for the past few years writing, drawing, and just daydreaming about this story. Im not lying to you when I say there isn't a day that I don't think about it at least once. I haven't been able to write lately, and it's been killing me. I moved out for the first time in my life months ago, and before that I was so busy and worked to the bone I had no motivation to write, even when the thing I wanted to write about consumed my waking moments. I'm still exhausted, but goddamn if the new episodes and Manga chapters haven't grabbed me by the metaphorical balls and twisted. I won't go into detail for anyone who isn't caught up, I gave up on trying to avoid spoilers.

I think my biggest hesitation is the fandom, and potentially backlash. Is that I'm no longer the teenager that started this fic. A lot of people don't like that, and will probably see it as weird that I'm making a fanfiction based around teenagers, especially the romance part. But honestly, I don't care. I started loving these characters when I was their age in show, and I'm sorry that they don't age like I do, but unfortunately, for us all, I still have an unhealthy attachment to it. So we're just gonna deal with it. The other side was the question of ships. I bounced back and forth for a long time on if my OC was going to be with Deku or Bakugo. It was hard, cause my initial thought was 'fuck it, both' but I hesitated cause poly ships, especially like that, aren't common or popular in fandoms, or taken seriously like I want this fic to be. Recently in the fandom I've seen how much popular the Bakudeku ship has gotten, and I finally decided to say fuck it, and just go with my original idea. So this fic will not be a love triangle, well- honestly it'll have juicy dramatic parts, but I'm going agaisnt the norm and saying fuck it, they all love eachother. I myself am not poly, (at least I think? Idk I'm unlabeled, the only poly relationships I've ever thought about being a part of are with fictional characters lol) So it won't be perfect and maybe not entirely accurate. If anyone who is poly wants to give me advice I'd be open and appreciative of it. Now that, that's all out of the way...

I'm going to give a summary of my plot, and i want to know if you guys find it interesting.

In a world where humans are given superhuman abilities, the norm, quickly changes. This world is not black and white. Prejudice and discrimination never truly leave humans, if it's not one thing, it's another. And in this world, if you don't have a quirk, or if your quirk is seen as undesirable or... potentially dark in nature, then you are immediately singled out and ostracized.

Our main characters, Iris and Ivy Blackwood, are born into an unfair world, where they are ultimately dealt with a hand that is hard to burden. Being the children of famous pro heroes is one thing, it's another when said pro heroes are constantly in the eye of the public. A scandal happens every week, it seems. You can't go far in research without seeing someone question the pro heroes' motives. Forsythe and Natalia Aphelion-Blackwood are powerful people, with powerful quirks to match. What sets them aside is the nature of their powers, powers that aren't normally seen as heroic. In fact, the whole blood line is filled with ominous powers, shadey actions, and downright morally questionable choices. When these two families married together, the media burst. Obviously, it was a quirk marriage. The only thing was they just couldn't prove it. When the twins were born, everyone waited in baited unease. Just what the hell could these bloodlines produce in power? Surely it couldn't be that bad...

Ivy's quirk manifested shortly after her twin, sprouting fox ears and tail(s) her quirk was Kitsune. Similar to her father's shape-shifting quirk, but of course had stark differences. Iris, on the other hand? Well, let's just say she won't be stepping into churches anytime soon... At the ripe age of 5, Iris Blackwood sprouted, wings, horns, a tail, claws, and red eyes to match. This girl was given powers seemingly from the devil himself. Her quirk? Demon. The nature of her power is unknown, the extent? unknown. No quirk specialist stuck around to figure out just what the hell she could do, but from the brief research done, it's believed the girl is able to do whatever a demon can do... What an odd analysis, considering no one really knows what that can entell.

Iris was forced to keep her abilities under lock and key, with great luck she's able to hide her physical features. The rest of her powers, she doesn't know, and she honestly doesn't want to find out. She's trying to become a hero, what kind of hero has a power like that? The twins' parents put them on a path, one that was built and prepped long before they were even born, what a burden to put on children. Iris wants to defy all odds, to show the world that she's not her quirk. It doesn't matter if no one believes in her, not even her own parents. She has her sister, her twin, someone who's been by her side since birth. Someone who will always have her back, that will never change... right?

This story is one of betrayal, manipulation, all kinds of abuse, moral questioning, and even questioning of one's sanity... but it's also a story of friendship, trust, found family, love, and the indomitable human spirit. This is the very definition that sometimes, your family can end up being the ones you share no blood with.

Okay, so tell me, does that sound interesting? I hope so, cause these characters, this plot, has been on my mind for years nonstop, it's something that needs to be told. And I feel like a lot of people can relate to some of the things in this fic. I'm currently rewriting the first 6 or so chapters, cause once I picked up the story again long ago, I just kept writing from where I left off, so the first chapters aren't adjusted to the new direction the fanfiction is now going. It's going to be Canon compliant but not perfectly, it will have its own arcs and storyline, and of course, depending on how the show finishes, I'll have to adjust. But overall, I love the plot of MHA, so I don't want to change too much. I appreciate anyone who supports me with this. Thank you guys a lot. Stay tuned.

[writers-vlogx]

A truth that took me eight years to accept

Something that I think others should know, I'm trying to convey a lot of mixed emotions into words so others don't feel as alone as I did

This post is by absolutely no means planned to stay up for long but mainly to get these thoughts out of my head because I truly believe I am not alone and it took me eight years to realize that.

I struggled with hating the color of my skin for a long time, I grew up in America, I lived a very small portion of my life in Mexico.

But the point is I have lived in the United States for almost my whole life, and with that I watched and consumed media that was seen only from one perspective.

Around my pre teen and teen years I educated myself a lot In culture, and in the movements that were happening and are still happening right now like blm, and the LGBT, feminism, organizations, mental health, almost everything that I could get my hands on. Because I wanted to be able to be as educated as possible, I heard about representation and the need that there was for it.

However I never thought I would find myself being part of the group that lacked representation. Around the time I was growing up when I was a kid I saw movies like the princess and the frog and pocahontas and I became obsessed with those movies, wanna know why? It wasn't because of the plot but because I could see people that didn't look like me but close enough right? Growing up and consuming all this media I didn't see people like me on screen, and I hated myself for it, I hated the way I looked, I hated my culture, and my language, I pretty much rejected who I was because of the views of the people around me

( I grew up in Texas and with a family that they themselves were racist towards themselves)

Watching wakanda forever and seeing tenoch play the role of namor, seeing the scenes that were made so well, seeing encanto come out and the truth around family, seeing the truth of colonization from the wakanda film and many other films and series that did not portray my people as just drug dealers.

Made something In me change, it made me realize how long I had spent hating myself, for something that was never wrong to begin with. Being able to look at myself in the mirror for the first time and not degrade myself for the color of my skin, being able to speak my language and be comfortable with it.

Being able to realize that I love my culture and where I come from but that I still have a lot to unlearn and a lot to heal, to finally be able to see myself represented and realize how much I truly needed to see representation of my people and show that I can make it in life as an actor, seeing people like me be famous rich and be able to achieve my dreams made me have hope that I can do the same because I saw others that could. I saw them in news papers, in magazines, in articles, as toys and seeing people like them.

I think a big thing for me to add is that while I saw other movies and shows with representation, for whatever reason it was this one movie, this one actor that changed everything and I see this As a huge thing because it truly shows how one person can make a huge change even if it doesn't seem very big

And while all of this is true I feel sadness because I wish I could go back to my younger self and tell that little boy that he didn't need to stop playing in the sun and that no I did not need to look up how to make my skin lighter and that no clothes did not look bad on me because of my skin tone.

I choose to share this and post it because if even one person identifys with one of the things I've said even if for me this is very embarrassing to admit as well as being extremely vulnerable, realizes that there was never anything wrong with them, then it's worth it to me. Because I am healing of years of internalized racism and colorism and if I can reach just one person to not go the same path I went it'll be worth it.

[nekoannie-chan]

Only you

Pairing: Steve Rogers X Mutant!Reader.

Word count: 652 words.

Summary: Sometimes you felt guilty about what you did at HYDRA.

Warnings: Angst, but a happy ending. Mention of HYDRA.

A/N: This is my entry to @sweeterthanthis’ Lau’s Bittersweet Symphony Writing Challenge with prompt #9:

"You came over me like some holy rite, and although I was burning, you're the only light. Florence + The Machine, Only if for a night."

@saiyanprincessswanie

My native language is Spanish so I wanna improve my writing skills in English if you notice any mistakes, please let me know and I will correct them.

I don’t give any kind of permission that my fics to be posted on other platforms or languages (I translate myself my work) or the use of my graphics (my dividers are included in this), I did them exclusively for my fics, please respect my work and don't steal it. There are some people here who make dividers that anyone can use, mine is not this type, please look for the other's people. The only exception is the ones I gifted 'cuz now belong to someone else. If you find any of my works on a different platform and are not one of my accounts, please let me know. Reblogs and comments are always welcome.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Marvel's characters (unfortunately), except for the original characters and the story.

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Some nights you couldn't sleep, and even though several years had passed, you still had nightmares about what happened when you participated in HYDRA's experiments. Well, not all people had participated willingly, they were also tracking mutants.

Even though you and Steve were telling each other everything, you knew he hadn't realized the nightmares had returned, although you had to admit you liked watching him sleep, he looked very peaceful, handsome and relaxed.

"Are you all right?" Steve asked you when he saw you looking lost during breakfast.

"Huh?" You weren't paying attention to what he was saying, in fact, you didn't have the slightest idea what he said in the last twenty minutes.

"Y/N, tell me the truth, what's wrong? You are acting very strangely "Steve was very worried, whatever happened to you, he would find a way to help you.

"Nothing, I was just thinking," you answered, trying not to make a big deal out of it.

"Thinking about what? You know you can tell me anything you want," Steve took your hand to make you feel confident.

"My life, what I've done, my decisions, you know."

"Hey, you've already redeemed everything HYDRA made you do, Y/N, you're not a bad person."

"I know, you make me better every day and that's why I love you, but we have to hurry, otherwise we'll be late and Clint will scold us again," you said when you saw the time.

The mission that day consisted of two teams, each team had to deal with different things, your team were the twins, of course, with the powers of the three, the part you had to do, was very easy and less time-consuming compared to the other team.

You tried to communicate with Steve to find out if they needed help, but the communication seemed choppy, however, you had a bad feeling, that little feeling you felt every time something bad happened. But, this time you weren't sure if it was you or Steve who was in danger.

You looked around you, there was no enemy, so...

You tried again to engage in communication with the other team, but it was unsuccessful, you looked at Wanda, you knew she was reading your mind, so she would know what you were thinking, you started to run to try to get to where the others were.

The next thing that happened was too confusing, you weren't sure how it had happened or what really happened, and even though you then tried to analyze it, you wouldn't find the answer.

You were losing your patience, Steve was still not out of the interrogation room, and you were very nervous about what had happened.  

"What did they tell you? What happened?" You asked him as soon as you saw him leave.

"Everything is fine, don't worry, I'll tell you everything at home," he whispered.

After that, Wanda and you began to talk about what you had experienced while you were in the HYDRA bases.

Before dinner, Steve and you began to talk about everything, including recent events, as well as various things in his life.

Finally, you confessed to him that you still felt guilty about what you had had to do in your darker days, that is, while you were in HYDRA.

"Hey, it's okay, don't worry, you haven't done anything wrong, you're a very good agent, you never really... I know your story, and you're the most beautiful person I've ever met, that's why I fell in love with you."

"You came over me like some holy rite, and although I was burning, you're the only light."

He kissed you. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me," he said.

"I really don't know what I would do without you, I love you so much," you confessed.

"Will you marry me?" Steve asked you as he took out the ring, you nodded.