#and then realise that the solution to the first problem wasn't actually that good and i needed to solve it again

[carlottawllms]

Yours For The Night

Mason Mount x Reader Fluff / Maybe a tiny bit angst-ish Word Count:

I loved the idea from the very beginning and I fell in love with the story and the characters very quickly while writing this so I hope you'll love it just as much. I'm rather proud of this one!

As always, feedback is very much appreciated! Enjoy 🩷

Being single at the age of 23 could be daunting. Not in principle, because at 23 there was still a whole life ahead of you, but when all your friends were in committed relationships whilst you weren't, the doubts started to set in.

Doubt that there actually was this one person who was only meant for you. Doubt that you would ever find someone who wanted you for who you were. Doubt that you were good enough.

Technically, there was this pretty simple solution to the problem: dating. However, you’d quickly realised that it wasn't that easy after all.

Looking around your circle of friends was out of the question as either they were all taken or they were so out of your league, that you hardly dared to talk to them even without the whole dating thing in the back of your mind.

And dating apps scared the shit out of you.

But if you didn't want to stay alone forever, something had to change. So after a lot of back and forth and a lot of convincing by your best friend Laure, you’d decided to take the risk and sign up there after all.

And that was why you found yourself in a nice, cozy restaurant on a random Friday evening with a handsome young man right opposite you. Dark hair steel blue eyes and a handsome smile: Ethan.

It was going great. Surprisingly so as you always thought of yourself as an awkward person when it came to first encounters, but either you weren’t half as bad as you thought you were or Ethan was very good in pretending.

Conversation was flowing freely, and you could’ve really enjoyed it if it wasn't for Lewis constantly calling you. It was the third time you rejected the call and apologised to Ethan before turning your phone around.

“You can answer that.”, he smiled. “Honestly, it could be an emergency for all you know.”

“No, I…it’s my best friend’s brother. They’re getting ready for erm…well something like a night out. He probably just wants me to approve of the outfits or something.”, you mumbled, cheeks red from embarrassment.

“Look, y/n”, your date sighed, and you feared the worst when he placed his hand over yours. “At this point, even I’d feel better if you answered and made sure everything’s alright, you know? C’mon, just call him back.”

You hesitated for a moment, wondering if he actually meant it or not because so far you really liked him and you didn’t want to mess it up, but Ethan’s reassuring smile convinced you eventually.

“Lew? You’ve called like 5 times, is everything okay?”, you asked once he’d answered the call after the first ring.

“Yes…no, I mean…it’s a little complicated. No one’s hurt, it’s just…”

“Just tell me, Lewis. What’s going on? Aren’t you supposed to get Mase ready for that gala?”

Tonight was Manchester United’s annual awards gala. You had no idea what exactly it was about, but Mason had told you that he was nominated for the New-Player-Of-The-Season award and as far as you were informed, he had to leave for that in about an hour.

“Yeah, that’s erm…look, I can’t explain that on the phone. Can you come?”

“What? No, Lew, I’m on-”

“I wouldn’t call if it wasn’t important.”, Lewis sighed. He sounded defeated and a little desperate and it appealed to your guilty conscience. He really wouldn't call if it wasn't important, you knew that and you felt as if you didn’t really have a chance to say no…

“Yeah okay.”, you agreed and after a few more words the call ended.

You sighed quietly, gaze dropping to your empty plate before you found the courage to look your date in the eye. “Look, Ethan, this erm looks really bad, I know, but-”

“It actually is an emergency, and you have to leave?”, he offered. The soft smile still on his face even after you nodded. “That’s fine, please don’t worry. I’ve been dumped for less, you know?”

“No, I…God. I’m so sorry. This really isn’t what it looks like. I-”

“I was joking, y/n.”, he laughed. “Honestly, it’s fine. You go and take care of that emergency of yours and I’ll message you so we can reschedule. Okay?”

“You’re sure?”, you pouted. “Because I really enjoyed today.”

“So did I. C’mon, off you go. I promise I’ll message you.”

Ethan even offered to pay for your drinks, so you could leave quickly, but you rejected his offer. The idea of him paying for the date when you had to leave less than an hour after you’d arrived didn’t sit right with you, so after you’d paid for your part and said goodbye, you rushed over to Mason’s.

As the restaurant Ethan had chosen wasn’t too far away from where Mason lived it took less than 20 minutes until you arrived. With shaky fingers you entered the code for the gate. Ignoring the fact you’d parked as badly as never in your life before, you jumped out of the car and made your way up to his front door.

“Hi, y/n.” Lewis offered a small smile, but it didn’t hide the distraught look on his face. “Thank you for coming.”

“Well, you said it’s an emergency.”, you mumbled as you followed him into the living room where Mason was slumped in the corner of the sofa. His white shirt wrinkled, hair looking as if he’d run his hands through it for the past 20 minutes and cheeks bright red.

You furrowed your brows at the state of your best friend.

“What’s wrong? He was so excited when I talked to him this morning. Also, where’s Alyssa? Wasn’t she supposed to be here already?”

Mason only scoffed at your words and mumbled something you didn’t quite catch under his breath.

Alyssa was his girlfriend of a few months now. From what he’d told you, they’d met on the set of the Nike shooting. She was some sort of assistant and with her witty and fun nature, had captured Mason’s interest straight away.

You’d only met her a handful of times, but she seemed decent and made your best friend happy and that really was everything you wanted for him.

“Actually, that is the emergency.”, Lewis sighed. “She’s not coming.”

“What do you mean she’s not coming? She seemed to be okay yesterday, is she sick or something?”

“No, she…she called him earlier and told him she won’t show up with him.”

Eyes widening, you stared at Lewis. Your tummy did a weird nauseating flip at his choice of words. She won’t show up with him. What was that supposed to mean?

“I…sorry what? I don’t get wha-”

“Well, she said that…erm…I don’t…” The way Lewis stumbled over his words had your heart sinking in your chest in fear.

Mason was a funny guy, someone who was rarely in a bad mood or sad, but you were close enough to him to know that deep down, his heart was pretty fragile. He was a sensitive person, took things to heart way too quickly and whilst he’d never admit that, his failed relationship before and the way some girls used him for getting some, had done some damage to his self-esteem.

“You can tell her, Lew.”, Mason laughed hollowly. “It’s not like I have to hide anything from y/n. She said I’m not fancy enough to show up there with me and that I’m too childish for her liking and that she'd rather save herself the embarrassment of being photographed with someone who doesn’t act like a grown-up half the time.”

The more he spoke, the more your heart broke. Not just because she’d said all that, but because you knew he believed it and with every passing second the anger grew in the pit of your stomach.

There were only a few things that made you furious, but people talking badly about Mason were where you drew the line and you had to take a couple of deep breaths to compose yourself.  

Lewis seemed to notice the state you were in. With a gentle squeeze of your shoulder, he made you look at him.

“He doesn’t want to go anymore, and I was hoping you could talk to him? It’s his first gala and no matter how shit the circumstances, it won’t look good if-”

“I’m right here, you know? I can hear you.”, Mason hissed, rolling his eyes at his brother’s behaviour. He was over it. Over everything and all he wanted to do was get out of these clothes and into bed.

“You know what won’t look good?”, he asked with a sneer. “Me. Everyone’s bringing the missus. What’s it gonna look like when I don’t bring my girlfriend after I told them I would?”

“Mase, I’m sure there’s others who will attend alone.”, you said softly as you sat down next to him. Turning your body so you could face him a bit better, your hand found its way into his hair. “It’s not going to look bad or whatever you think it might. Didn’t you say Luke would come alo-”

“I’m not going, y/n.”, he huffed, pushing your hand away in annoyance.

“Mase, you-”

“No, y/n. I am not going. End of story.”, he hissed. “I will look like the biggest idiot. An empty seat next to me like…”

Knowing it would be a futile attempt to try and convince him to go alone, you shot Lewis a look. Wordlessly asking if he couldn’t just join his brother, but he shook his head.

“I have a meeting in an hour.”

“Look, there’s no need to baby me. I’ll just tell them I’m sick and stay back. They can hand me the award next week or something, it’s not that important.”

It was a lie, you knew that as you remembered how excited and over the moon Mason had been when he’d called you a few days ago to tell you that he’d won. He hadn’t stopped talking about how honoured and happy he was and it only made you even more furious. There was no way you’d let a shitty woman ruin that for him.

“You should go, y/n. Don’t you have a date to go to anyway?”

“Well, I actually was on that date when Lewis called.”, you admitted. The latter shot you an alarmed look.

“You didn’t say any-”

“I mean, you said it was an emergency, so I obviously left.”, you explained softly. You could feel Mason’s eyes on you before he dropped his head.

“You shouldn’t have, y/n.”, he sighed. “Maybe you can call him and see if he’s still free for tonight? Sorry for the fuss, I’ll just go and get changed.”

“Yeah, into a new shirt cause this one’s all wrinkled.”, you laughed quietly as you smoothed over the sleeve of his bunched-up shirt.

“I already said I’m not going, I-”

“Yes, yes you are, Mason.”, you smiled as you got up to stand in front of him. Hands out for him to take, but he only looked up at you with that stubborn look on his face. “This is such an honour for you and you were so happy about it and you won’t let anyone ruin that for you. Go and get changed.”

Wiggling your fingers, you eventually got him to grab your hands and get off the sofa, but he still shook his head. A sad smile on his face.

“y/n, I appreciate that pep-talk and you coming here, but I can’t go. I refuse to look stupid by showing up there all by myself.”

“Well, you won’t look stupid because you won’t show up by yourself.”, you smiled.

For the last two minutes you’d been racking your brain to find a solution, only to suddenly realise that the solution was actually hanging in the wardrobe upstairs.

“I still have my dress from Dec’s wedding in your wardrobe. I’ll be your plus one. If you’ll have me.”

Mason furrowed his brows. You could literally see the cogs turning in his head. “What? y/n, I told them I’ll bring my girlfriend.”

“Look, Mase this is a big night for you, and I don’t want you to miss it because of a stupid bitch. You told me they don’t know her and obviously they don’t know me either, so for tonight you can introduce me to them.”

You were aware that it sounded a little insane and the aftermath would probably be a little complicated, but you were willing to do it for him. He was your best friend and he’d worked hard for this achievement. He deserved the award, and you wanted him to show up there and enjoy the evening, instead of wondering what everybody thought about his missing girlfriend.

“y/n, that’s insane.”, he whispered, but in his eyes you could see the gratitude you’d even proposed it. “Are you sure?”

“I am, Mase.”, you smiled and when he pulled you into a tight hug and whispered a very quiet thank you, you knew he was sold.

-

As you’d already been somewhat dressed up for your date, it hadn’t taken you too long to get ready, so you and Mason managed to arrive at the venue on time.

“You’re ready for this?”, Mason asked softly once he’d parked the car.

He turned towards you a little so he could get a good look at you, his hand sneaking on your thigh to give it a gentle squeeze. Obviously, he was grateful you were doing this but at the same time he was also a little worried.

“We kinda have to pretend we’re a couple and I need you to tell me when it gets too much, okay? I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

“I could never be uncomfortable around you, Mase.”, you admitted, making him blush a little. “It’ll be fine. You’re my best friend, Mase. I trust you.”

After a few more words, he eventually got out of the car, rounded it and opened your door to help you out. You gladly grabbed his outstretched hand to avoid falling flat on your face in these murderous heels of yours.

“Ready to go and get to know everyone?”

You wouldn’t tell him, but all of sudden, your heart had stared to beat out of your chest from nerves. “What if they don’t like me?”

“That, my love, is a very ridiculous question.”, Mason laughed. He softly cupped your cheek with his hand to force your gaze on his. “They will obviously love you. You’re this kind and funny person and I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like you. Also they’re pretty fun to be around, you’ll get along with them just fine. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“I’ll be with you the whole time, I promise.” Mason kissed your forehead in reassurance and pulled back again to search your face for some doubts or worries, but much to his relief he couldn’t find any. Your bright eyes simply stared back into his.

“C’mon then.” He grabbed your hand in his, fingers hesitantly pushing in between yours and when you smiled up at him, his tummy flipped.

Fortunately, there were no paparazzi at the entrance, so you were able to slip into the restaurant unnoticed. The club’s own photographer Mick welcomed you and asked you to pose for a photo and without even thinking about it, you and Mason stood side by side and smiled for the camera.

His arm was wrapped around your waist and whilst he’d done that countless of times before, this time it felt a little more intimate. But maybe it was only because of the thought that for everyone else you looked like a couple tonight.

“Mase, hi.” Erik was the first to see the two of you. With a woman you thought had to be his wife, he came over.

“Hi, you’re alright?”, Mason smiled as he greeted his manager with a half-hug. “Erik, this is y/n.”

“Pleasure to meet you.”, you smiled, shaking his hand.

“Oh, it’s all mine. Thank you for taking such good care of him and supporting him. This is my wife Bianca.”

As you exchanged a couple of words with them, you felt Mason’s hand grabbing yours and giving it a gentle squeeze, wordlessly asking if you were alright.

The time until dinner passed surprisingly quickly. As promised, Mason didn't leave you alone once while you gradually got to know his teammates and their partners and although there was no real need for it, he always touched you in some way. His arm around your waist, his hand on the small of your back or his hand clasped tightly around yours with his thumb rubbing circles into your smooth skin.

The two of you were sat on a table with Rasmus, Christian and Victor and as they’d all brought their partners, you realised quickly why Mason had been so adamant on not going on his own. He definitely wouldn’t have looked stupid but knowing him he wouldn’t have felt comfortable at all, whilst now he was joking away with his friends whilst you got to know the other women.

Throughout the whole dinner you chatted and laughed with them and at some point you forgot that you weren’t actually Mason’s girlfriend and therefore wouldn’t be present for more of these events.

Mason on the other hand couldn’t stop looking at you from the corner of his eye. You looked beautiful in that dress he’d lost his head over on Dec’s wedding already and the way you smiled brightly and seemed to get along so well with everyone had his head spinning.

You weren’t his, he knew that, but he’d spent the last 30 minutes thinking about how you’d abandoned all plans to be with him and couldn’t help but be all soft for you. You’d left your date for him and even when he’d told you to message the guy, you’d opted to spend the evening with him.

After dinner there was still a little time before the awards would be presented and you’d decided to mingle with some of the other people around. You’d left Mason with some of his teammates to go and freshen up a little, but as you came back now, he seemed to be in deep conversation with Luke and you were unsure of whether to join them.

You’d clung to his side basically all evening as despite getting along with the others, you weren’t comfortable enough to be with them all by yourself, but you didn’t want to annoy Mason. He’d been pretty open with his touching behaviour, but there was still some hesitation from your side.

You scanned the room, thinking of just joining Laura for a chat, but before you actually could, Mason had noticed you and made eye contact. His signature smile ever present on his face. Slowly, you walked over, giving him the chance to shake his head no, but the closer you got, the brighter his smile seemed to get.

“Hi.”, he whispered when you cuddled into his side. “You’re okay?”

“Yeah, sure. Everyone’s really nice.”

“Told you.”, he chuckled before leaning down and kissing your cheek. It was something he’d sort of done before but this time, it made you blush like mad and when his arm snuck around your waist and pulled you into his side a little more, you had to drop your head to avoid Luke noticing how flustered you were.

Mason had always been a touchy person and you’d never paid much attention to it because it was just who he was, but tonight it was…more intimate, maybe even meaningful. You weren’t even sure if you were only fooling yourself, but it felt as if the air had shifted, and it was starting to mess with your head.

You’d never thought of Mason as anything else but your best friend, but now that it felt so natural to be with him, cuddle him and hold his hand, you couldn’t help but think of him as more than that. Especially, as you realised only today just how attuned you were to one another.

Pretending to be in a relationship was always risky as there were enough moments where one could slip, but for the two of you none of these moments had happened. Rather the opposite as it looked as if you’d been together forever.

Mason had you back to your table at some point as the awards were about to be handed out and when he was called up on the little stage to receive his well-deserved trophy, you had to wipe a few tears of happiness and pride off your cheek.

About an hour later, the evening was pretty much over. Most people had already left, and you and Mason had made it out too, but after spending all evening inside, you’d decided to stay outside for a little longer and go for a walk before driving home.

You hadn’t made it too far when Mason tugged on your hand and held you back. Confused, you furrowed your brows at him as he came to a stop and pulled you to stand right in front of him.

“I’m sorry I ruined your date.”, he said quietly. His big brown eyes were set on yours, apologetic and full of worry. “I realised I didn’t apologise for that before and neither for how I acted at home and practically forced you into this.”

Not really thinking about it – tonight had messed with his head a lot – he gently pushed a loose strand of hair behind your ear. His fingertips just about brushing over the soft skin on your neck leaving goosebumps in their wake.

“You don’t have to apologise, Mase.”, you smiled. “I actually didn’t mind it at all. I enjoyed tonight a lot.”

“Yeah?”, he whispered as a cute blush coated his freckled cheeks and the bridge of his nose. He wasn’t sure if you were referring to what it felt like to be with him, but deep down he hoped you were.

Staring into his eyes, you nodded slowly. Throughout the whole night, the air had shifted significantly and now it seemed to have found its peak. The eye contact was intense and made your tummy churn, but it was when Mason’s gaze dropped to your lips, that your heart flipped.

“Do you think, I-”

“Yes.”, you breathed, knowing exactly what he wanted to ask and when you tilted your head a little and Mason leaned down, your lips met in a shy and soft, but perfect kiss.

—————

I genuinely hope you enjoyed reading this. You would make my day if you left a little feedback so I can see what you liked and what I can improve on 🩷

[dameronology]

couples therapy (frank castle)

summary: you go to couple's therapy with frank castle. it's just as terrible as you can imagine.

warnings: so much language. at least 10 f-bombs.

enjoy xx

Couples therapy felt like a stupid fucking idea, to be honest.

There was only three feet between you and Frank; you wanted to be closer but at the same time, you wanted to drop kick his loud-talking, argumentative, defensive ass to the other side of the city. No, scratch that. The country, or maybe even world. Somewhere far enough so that you didn't have to look at his stupid face but somewhere close enough that you could still reach out for him in the night. Somewhere far enough so that you couldn't hear that gravelly voice that made your skin crawl, but somewhere close enough so that he could still whisper horny sweet nothings in your ear.

And it was thoughts like that that made you realise why you were here.

There had been a few weeks of tension; that had grown into two months of shit bubbling under the surface. You were mad at him. He was mad at you. You couldn't bring it up because he'd accuse you of overreacting and he couldn't bring it up because even before all the PTSD-causing-crap he'd lived through, Frank was shit at coming to terms with how he felt about things. Vocalising his emotions wasn't his strongpoint. Revenge and killing was. So, safe to say that this was his personal form of hell. Anyways. That shit had hit the fan eventually and now it was splattered all over the room and it was covering you both and no matter how many metaphorical showers you took, nothing would fix this except the clean slate that emotional catharsis would bring you.

Maybe you'd break up. Maybe you'd stay together. Maybe it was all up to the gaunt, old man in the chair opposite you who reminded you a little too much of John Kramer and was draining $50 an hour from your bank right now. Did they do Groupons for couples therapy?

"So," he began. His name was Doctor Richards. He was a little too quiet for your liking. "Tell me...why are you here?"

Frank let out a gruff laugh. "Isn't that what you're here to tell us, Doc?"

"No, actually," he shook his head. "You explain your problems to me and I'll give you reasonable solutions to try and fix those problems."

There was a moment of silence, and Doctor Richards glanced at you.

"Is he always this defensive?"

It was your turn to laugh now.

"Uhhh, not always," you replied. "Not with me, at least. More so with other people."

"So he's more open with you?" the doctor raised his eyebrows, but then glanced between you. "Emotional vulnerability is a good sign. A sign of life - of course, unless, this has changed over the course of your relationship."

"It hasn't," Frank firmly said. "I laid myself bare the day we met. That hasn't changed."

"He's right," you nodded. "I just...I think you have a hard time articulating your feelings, Frank. Sometimes when you do open up to me, it turns into an argument."

"That's bullshit," Frank muttered.

You cleared your throat and turned to look back at your relationship saviour. "We're here because we argue too fucking much, doc. If I say nothing, he gets mad. If I respond, I'm overreacting-"

"- because you do overreact!" he interrupted you.

"Maybe because you never let me fucking talking talk!" you snapped.

"Guys!" Richards cut you both off. "This is a safe space and I'm going to give you both a chance to talk. That's how you get to the bottom of things."

You glanced at Frank. "Can I go first?"

"Yes."

Shuffling uncomfortably in your seat, you glanced down at your hands and cleared your throat. There was so much on your mind but a complete disconnect between your brain and your mouth; translating your thoughts into feelings was hard at the best of times, but even harder under pressure. You didn't want to say something to upset Frank, even less to hurt him.

"I..." you trailed off. "I've always been someone who likes to talk about things, you know? I like to communicate, especially with the people I love, so I'm always open when something upsets me or doesn't feel right. Conversation is important to me but I think you're different, Frank. You like to think and not feel and when you refuse to talk to me about shit, it hurts. It's like you can open up to me about all your feelings except the ones about me and in my mind,. those are the most important ones."

Frank didn't respond; he just looked at you.

"For someone that chats so much shit, you sure seem to keep quiet on a lot of things," you continued, voice dropping to a murmur now. "I'm not overreacting when I respond the way I do. It's just fucking frustrating."

He looked away, brown eyes staring blankly at the wall behind Richards for a moment. That was the first time in the better part of three years that you's actually seen Frank quiet.

(Save for when he was sleeping, and the time he almost died in the middle of your living room).

"I like to keep certain things quiet," Frank finally spoke. His eyes flickered from the wall, down to your new therapist. "I work a night job, doc. It gets stressful. I deal with some heavy shit."

"It's an overused saying, but a problem halved is a problem shared," Richards replied. "You have a partner who is willing to listen. One who I assume knows their threshold, and would tell you if sharing it was too much."

"He's right," you said. "When you shut me out and bottle it up, it builds up, and then you get shitty with me and it manifests itself in every part of your life. Of our lives. Because we're intertwined as shit, Frank, and you can't pick and choose what parts you share with me."

Frank sniffed. "Well, hell. Look at us breaking ground."

"A lot of people come into couple therapy assuming it means their relationship is over," Richards said. "That's almost never the case. It shows you're both willing to work on it."

Your eyes fell to the floor for a moment. Frank had been strangely willing to come here; it wasn't something you'd thought about too much before now, but his willingness felt like hope to you. This time a few years ago, he would have walked away at the first sign of trouble. Now he wanted to take your hand and walk towards it.

"I can't tell you about all your problems based entirely on this conversation, but I can...I can share some introspection from a third party perspective," Richards said. "Frank, you have a partner whose willing to listen, but...maybe they go about saying it in the wrong way. Maybe it feels forced, or like they're not letting you do it on their own terms."

"I guess," Frank murmured. "What if I don't want to share? What if...what if I just want to protect them from all this dark shit?"

"You can choose what you share," he replied. "But if you choose not to share, you have to communicate that."

--

The apartment was tense when you and Frank got back. It had been a tense two hours; talks of communication and honesty, of sharing your lives and being partners. It had been okay for the first hour, but as soon as you hit the second you felt like you'd kind of gotten the point. You and Frank weren't the worst couple in the world, and couple therapy was fucking boring. That had been your main take away.

You threw your keys on the side, dumping your jacket as you entered the flat. Everything was as you left it; washing up from breakfast in the sink, pile of boots by the door, a letter pinned on your notice board about an increase in rent. All things that were headaches in themselves, but simply just contributing factors to a bigger, ongoing migraine. Frank was behind you, dragging his feet and huffing.

"Something you want to share, Frankie?" you asked, glancing over your shoulder.

"That felt like bullshit."

You snorted. "I felt like I was being listened to for the first time in months. Maybe that speaks volumes."

"Oh, come on," he rolled his eyes. "How are we leavin' couples therapy and you're already having a go at me?"

"Sorry," you murmured. "Honestly, Frank, I'm just fucking frustrated. I've said all I need to say but...whether or not you wanna listen and actually work on it is what counts."

"Are you dumb?" Frank asked, but quickly regretted his choice of words. "Shit. Baby, I'm sorry - I didn't mean it like that-"

"- how the fuck did you mean it then, Franklin?"

He paused, holding his hands out for a moment. "I just sat in a cramped room with some Jigsaw lookin' motherfucker for the better part of two hours, listening to you complain - rightfully so, don't get me wrong - and tryna take notes on how I can be a better partner to you. Maybe it's not obvious, and maybe it won't be for hot a fuckin' minute, not until I've got my ducks in a line, or just shot em all, but just...I will try, okay? I need you to be patient with me but..."

Frank took your hand, placing your palm on his chest. He covered it with his own large one, tangling your fingers together and pausing for a moment.

"I need patience...please?"

You nodded, letting him squeeze your hand. "Yeah. Shit, Frankie, I'm sorry. I love you."

He smiled. "I love you too."

"We'll be okay, won't we?"

"Of course we will."

[sleepyselkiesims]

Part 79

Rate my kid's school uniforms!

Poor Cinder felt more isolated from his sisters than ever now that they'd be getting the highschool experience without him.

It was a beautiful morning in Copperdale, which the teens wouldn't get to enjoy thanks to being stuck inside for school all day.

Ana had been hoping she'd find The One as soon as she set foot on the grounds, but it seemed the sims townie aging issues prevailed, as all the teens goofing around had been there since Andre and Ellis were teens!

Ella was more focused on school-related activities, and tried her hardest to get on the principal's good side right off the bat.

To Ella's dismay, the principal remained in a foul mood until Ana showed up with a bright smile and vouched for her twin.

The whole thing made Ella particularly grumpy, but what could Ana say! It wasn't her fault she was likeable!

Ana eventually noticed her twin's bad mood, and she had just the solution to help Ella become as popular as herself!

Nothing gets your classmates to like you like pouring on the body spray!

But when classes actually began, there was a noticeably empty seat...

Ella really had tried to sit still and pay attention, but the sims was actively working against her! For whatever reason, the school "event" ui hadn't shown up for her, so there was literally nothing she could do.

Well, sure there were things she could do, but they weren't at all class-related.

With nothing to do, Ella set about trying to solve her needs. But that's when the principal realised she had the perfect excuse to lay into the teen who she'd hated on sight for whatever reason.

Ella tried to explain the problem, but ended up just confusing the principal. Luckily that got her off with just a warning instead of detention!

That could've put Ella on her best behavior, but she still couldn't attend class. So, she did the next best thing! At least she could prove her attendance!

When all the whiteboards were fully vandalised, Ella decided to turn her artistic talents elsewhere. She'd kind of gotten into painting at the romance festival, but mostly it was just something to pass the time with.

Her first school day was going a lot better than Ana's, who was having a one-of-a-kind learning experience.

As the battered and bruised Ana tried to return to her seat, she found it occupied by a sim who had apparently decided to show up halfway through class. She had to admit, he was kind of cute...

[bonesandthebees]

I’m skipping over the ladies in waiting even tough it!s fucked up and a explanation for Wilbur’s behaviour regarding his cane.

I forgot how painful his interactions with Niki were. It!s probably the first time HE visits HER since the mountain. Maybe he’s called her to him, but I feel like most of the effort to keep this friendship has been from Niki!s side.

And now Wilbur finally comes to HER, and it’s not even to see HER! It!s to escape Schlatt! And she!s smart enough to know it. Just like she knew she was not the person Wilbur wanted to see. And she knows he lied to her. And for the first time she calls him out on it! She’s done with his bullshit!

[There was a beat where Niki could only stare at him, no doubt realizing that he had been intending to lie to her. Her lips twitched as though she wanted to frown, but kept her expression neutral.]

This is both a sign to how good Niki is at keeping her true emotions under wraps and how well Wilbur knows her. The fact that she is hiding her emotions from him says enough. He’s not being honest with her. Hasn’t been for a while. So from a political standpoint, she no longer has a reason to trust him (fully, anyway) and maybe she never had and is realising that now.

[“I know one day he’ll have to pay for everything he’s done. I just hope that day is sooner rather than later.”] exquisite foreshadowing. Also irony. So much irony. Wilbur is murdering that man in less than 24 hours. Niki does not know that. Niki sold Schlatt out to Phil with the intention of seeing him dead. Wilbur does not know that.

In another life they could have been murder besties like Phil and Techno. *sigh* the things we could have had. They would have been terrifying.

[She met Wilbur’s eyes as she said this, and Wilbur almost flinched at the ice cold fear that shot up his spine.] I think this is part of the reason while Wilbur (and I) feels like she’s onto him. She knows Phil will take care of it, but she has no reason to suspect Wilbur will be a part of it.

Maybe this is a challenge. She’s testing if he knows. If he will admit it. If he will tell her that there is a plan. (If he still trusts her.) (If he’s still trustworthy.) (and as always, Wilbur fails.’

[But surely if she did suspect Schlatt she would’ve told Wilbur. They always bounced theories like that off of each other.] sweet sweet consequences of his actions, also the rift is growing.

[They could strategize together, just like they did before L’mannes. Instead though, all Wilbur said was, “I hope so too.”]

SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP AT WHAT WE COULD HAVE HAD!!!

The beautifully tragic thing about these characters is how close they are to a solution. It feels like they are always one choice away from going back to what they were (or at least attempting it) they could come out stronger. Instead, both of keep making self-preservation choices. They keep choosing to keep their cards close to their chest. To talk around the gaping hole in their friendship. To ignore the problem until it cannot be saved anymore.

I’m insane about them. And I want to hug them both (but mainly Niki since Wilbur has gotten in universe hugs.)

P.s. Bee, I know you can write a Spruce tree hugging Niki in there. Would it fit the vibe? No. Would it be plot relevant? No. Would it freak her out? Probably. Would people question the logic? Absolutely. BUT you COULD do it.

(5/5)

- 🌲

oh yeah, I haven't been able to show the two of them much but the majority of their interactions since wilbur got back has been niki putting in the effort to see him. wilbur really hasn't put any effort into niki and this is his first time being in her room since everything.

and of course niki knows that once again, she's not the person he wanted to see. that really hurts. your best friend has barely made an effort to see you the past month then he finally visits your room and it turns out he wasn't even there to actually visit you? poor niki, man.

niki is really starting to understand that something has changed in her relationship with wilbur. she's been feeling this way even before l'mannes but now this is kind of like final confirmation. and it hurts because she doesn't understand what happened. she doesn't know why he doesn't seem to trust her anymore.

the irony in that scene is delicious they both know more than the other thinks they do but they no longer trust each other enough to say what they're thinking

THEY COULD'VE BEEN MURDER BESTIES WAILING AND CRYING

yeah niki is fairly sure that phil is planning to do something and considering that phil is wilbur's father and that she's picked up on the fact that he's given wilbur 'lessons' over the years, she is already very suspicious that phil is going to include wilbur in his plan. so yeah, she's testing him there. she wants to see if he'll confide in her like he used to. but he doesn't.

literally niki and wilbur's friendship is so tragic. they both could fix things so easily if they were honest with each other. but wilbur's upbringing and now his traumatic experiences has made him afraid to confide in her. and niki wants to trust wilbur, but he's been acting so strange that she doesn't know if that's a smart move anymore. she used to think wilbur was her friend first, but now she's realizing he's always going to be his father's son first and foremost and she's always going to be secondary.

lol I'll see what I can do to get niki close to a spruce tree

either way I actually finished ch 12 last night so I'll probably post it tomorrow? and uh, well, if you're already wailing over this scene between wilbur and niki you're not ready for ch 12. it's painful.

[duchessofostergotlands]

Hi, sorry to bother you, I kinda need some cat owner advice. I can't find it now through any of your blog's search functions (or I wouldn't have asked directly) but I seem to remember your cat had chin acne problems? Mine does too and I was wondering if you can share tips/solutions from your experience. Thank you so much! If I'm misremembering or confusing you with someone else please feel free to ignore this! Have a nice day!

Hey :) Sorry it took me a little while to get to this. You are correct about the cat acne problem being me, and I'm very impressed by your memory! I barely remembered what happened this morning.

So first thing I did was get gel off Amazon. It had good reviews - it's called Anicura. But the problem is that it's got a very strong apple vinegar smell and cats are both very sensitive to smells and (usually) very opposed to being wet or sticky or any being exposed to any unexpected textures. So my cat learned pretty quickly that when he smells the horrible apple vinegar smell, it means he's about to get the wet liquid on his chin and he ran away and hid. So yeah, that didn't last very long and I don't know how much it helped.

One thing I think helped was a new bowl. I read that a cat's skin is more sensitive to plastic and there are sneaky bowls that look like metal but are actually plastic so I got one made out of stone. Also the usual shape you get for cheaper bowls is apparently not very good for them, it should be a wider dish rather than a bowl. Like this one: https://www.petsathome.com/shop/en/pets/beco-printed-ocean-waves-cat-bowl. I got Ru a new bowl and that definitely helped him.

The last thing I did - and I have no idea if this is what's recommended or not - is to interrupt his behaviour. I don't know if you've experienced this but sometimes if I'm a little cold and start shivering/my teeth start chattering, I get caught up and can't stop even if I'm not actually cold anymore. I need something to snap me out of it. Or like when you jiggle your leg if you're nervous but don't realise until someone points it out. When my cat started scratching I just interrupted him when he got carried away. I did something weird or draped a blanket over him or made a loud noise. It took him out of the compulsive scratching and distracted him, and so because he wasn't scratching as much it gave it time to heal. I think those little behavioural things are probably cat dependent, they might not always work, but worth trying to find out if there's something specific that irritates your cat.

Hope that helps!

[lieutenantselnia]

🦋💧🦀

—ccfm!!

Ahh thanks so much for the ask! Since you didn't specify an f/o I'm going to answer these for Davy :) mainly because he was the first one where some ideas came to my mind right now😅

🦋: How long did it take them to get out of the awkward early relationship stage? Have they gotten more confident around each other? (just a note I've never been in an actual relationship so far so idk what it's actually like or if this is realistic in any way I'm just making stuff up here😅)

I think there was probably a bit of awkwardness at the beginning of their relationship, although I think it was certainly "worse" before, during the time where they both realised they had feelings for each other, but didn't know how to act upon them. In the time shortly after they became a couple, Davy was still worried about his appearance, and how Selena would deal with it, but he was also feeling insecure due to his past, rather traumatising relationship experience. Selena on the other hand was just overall inexperienced as it was her first relationship. She always tried to reassure Davy that he's perfect for her and she loves him as he is, but she wasn't sure how to give him this reassurance. I think things probably got easier for them when she managed to become a little bolder, and for example just touch or hug him when she wanted to and he seemed like he could need it. It takes a bit for Davy to be able to lessen his fear of rejection a little and become more affectionate himself (he secretly loves it though). By the time Selena starts living in his cabin with him he's also feeling more confident though, as he realises that she really wants to stay by his side.

💧: How well do they comfort each other when they’re upset?

When Davy is upset it depends, sometimes he needs to be alone, just playing his organ in a loud and furious manner, but deep down he's also craving comfort. He doesn't say it out loud, but he loves it when Selena comes in and sits down next to him as he plays, not saying anything, just being there, maybe leaning against him or caressing his arm a little. Selena is probably a bit clumsy with it in the beginning (affective empathy isn't particularly her strong side), but over time she learns that he loves feeling her touch and it helps to soothe his emotions. When she's holding him in her arms and he's calmed down again, she'll receive a softly muttered "thank you" from him, accompanied by a little kiss on the forehead. For Selena it also sort of depends on the situation, sometimes she needs alone time, sometimes she rants about her problems, sometimes she's more rational about the issue and tries to find a solution, but sometimes she also just needs Davy to be there for her and give her the feeling that she's not alone and he's there to support her. It takes him a while until he's even able to make a move and reach out to her, but when he does, he will pull her into his arms and just hold her closely against himself. If she cried before, his beard tentacles will try to wipe the tears off her face. They're both a bit unsure if they're any good at providing comfort for each other, but as time passes they learn what works for them.

🦀: How did they handle realizing they were in love? Embarrassed? Nervous? Mad?

Selena was nervous at first, and also didn't initially have any hope that her feelings would lead to anything. She knew about Davy's infamous past and his issues in regards to love and relationships, so she resigned herself to daydreaming about him. Despite that, when they started getting closer - first on a platonic level - she would subtly show her affection through her actions. She wouldn't dare to tell him about her feelings, but she tried her best to be a good friend and be there for Davy, hoping that it would somehow lead to more. Davy on the other hand was probably strongly in denial when he first realised he was developing feelings for someone again. He'd be upset that even cutting out his heart apparently didn't help to keep him from falling in love again. He was very pessimistic about love at this point, would be angry at himself, and maybe also at Selena - though a rational part of him would realise that it was not her fault and he shouldn't take it out on her. It certainly took him some time to accept his feelings, but eventually he did.

f/o ask game here

[d-wi-fmp]

Designing an environment [6]

As I realised yesterday, changing the colour of the furniture to match the floor's colour could be a major roadblock. Possible solutions I thought of included creating separate sprites for each colour [which would be inefficient], putting a colour filter over the one sprite [which would be quick but not look as good] or somehow changing parts of the material.

By looking through the forums, I came to this post - by using texture masks, I could theoretically change the colour of parts of the material. Theoretically. Whilst this would likely take more time and definitely more effort than the other two options, the end result would be better and I could possibly be able to change the floor's colour without needing to do anything to the furniture.

This is the testing sprite I made. It has a white-black scale and a coloured scale to ensure that the mask is working exactly where I want it to. The colours were maxed out on either one or two of Red, Green or Blue

The first thing I created was a way of tinting my material. I used the above tutorial before realising it didn't actually involove masks and as such wasn't of particular use.

The above tutorial, although more complex, proved to be a lot more useful.

With the tutorial, I managed to get a system working. What colours were shaded and to what degree was dependant on the RGB values, which should mean that if I make a custom texture map I can change them.

I was able to test this by using a quick map with one half shaded red. By tinting based on the R value, half the material was shaded. Although it will likely be more complicated, I could apply this to furniture sprites.

The first change I made was getting the used colour in the room's structure template. This is where the wallpaper is stored and as such I figured that I should use it as a starting point for my furniture colour system. The problem was my colours are transparent, so by breaking the colour and remaking it at full opacity it stopped being transparent.

By creating a dynamic material based off the debug material I was using prior and simply changing the tint variable to the room's stored colour, the cubes changed colour to match the room. Although getting this working on sprites will be more complicated, this bodes well. I also think they look neat, and I'm fairly happy with what I've achieved [especially given how I felt about my chances with this in the last progress review]

[rapid-prototyping-project]

HUD improvements

As my HUD is fairly empty, I've decided it should be the first thing to be redesigned. As TETRIS had a similar problem to me with its gameplay area and screen space, I'll be using them as inspiration

My first decision was to update the text. As I can't make fonts, I elected to use the same system as I did for health in Tempting Fate, using sprites. I recreated the code and began working on my sprites

Originally, they had little starts and moons. However, they just made it look infected so I cut them from the design. The gradient is to stay consistent with my game's palette.

For whatever reason, the number displayed was 1 higher than the value of lives left so I bodged it and had them direct to a number 1 lower. I didn't like this solution but it did work

My display for the text initially looked like this, with a gold border. However, it just didn't work with my game so I went for a luminescant blue

I still hate this. I tried reducing the number to a neon sign but it just doesn't work

So, if I can't make a good HUD, I won't. There won't be a HUD - at least in widget form. That's right, I'm making a 3D one. God help me.

For my first 3D HUD item, I'll need a life counter in the form of a bar. This will need to get the current life count, set the bar to a corresponding height and lerp to a smaller height when an event is called.

This code is a mess but it works as intended. i had a little issue about it lerping from 0, but that was because I hadn't set a default value for the max health. Now, I just need to reuse the code from Shipping Delay on the crane's rope to make it seem like one side of the cube is going down.

I tried doing it myself. It didn't work.

BUT THIS DID. I realised my rope in Shipping Delay used a different way of doing this, that I hadn't used a lerp node for moving the cube, and that it actually was moving, just not enough. Now it's done, I really like how it looks :D

alright it wasn't perfect. When the player's life count reaches 0, the bar bugs out - it goes back from 2 to 1, but without going up so both top and bottom move. Basically, it looks weird.

I have identified the problem. The life count REALLY doesn't want to go to 0. It will go 3-2, 2-1 and then 1-1. WHY? I DON'T KNOW. Correction: its perfectly happy goinng to 0. It just hates going down a third time.

Changing this check in my killbox DOES kind of fix it. The player does have 4 lives, and the last animation does play the previous one, but it's in the right place again. Huh

I FIXED IT KIND OF My solution is foul but it DOES work. I copied the code form the false tree into the true tree after the life check in my killbox and added an open level node. This solution is terrible, but you wouldn't know that by the gameplay.

look at that health bar go

I've added a small fram around the block to help get an idea of scale for how many lives are left

Sam gave me the idea to implement a colour system - I plan to do this by lerping between differend colour variables

'what did it cost you' 'everything' oh who am I kidding I love this. It's awful. It also works - it goes from blue to green, green to yellow, and a backup yellow to blue one in case I mess something up.

This, however, doesn't work. As I sit here typing this, I just realised why. These nodes happpen on update from the timeline, so I need to ensure they aren't happening every tick of the animation.

I showed my code to Jake. After about 10 minutes of suffering and trying to understand what I was doing and why, he showed that I could just use the above nodes instead. Then we spoke about Yugoslavia, but that's unrelated. At any rate, I now know a prettier way of writing that code

As for the little heart below the bar, I tried making it pulsate but this didn't work. I also swapped it out for an image of an actual human heart. Alas, i have reverted both as neither worked.

Adding this code to my heart sprite should have allowed it to shake, and switch the sprite to a more broken one, but for whatever reason it went too far left. I fixed this in the image below.

This was then duplicated for the other heart sprites.

[goldenkid]

update on morai planning: thalia’s arc is pretty much done!!!! i finally broke through the brick wall after like a week and i now have pretty much all the right vibes for everything going on with her (and my god does she have a lot going on). all i need to do is some research, and then i’ll have the rough shape of her plot done!!

i’ve also been brainstorming ari’s arc and tbh it’s been the easiest of all of them - a big difference from earlier drafts, but ari’s changed a lot from every previous iteration and it’s so much more fun to sketch out his story now. i have a few holes i need to fill in, so that’ll probably take another day - or several days depending on how good the ideas i come up with are - but i had a brainwave earlier today that moved things along a lot and hopefully i can have another one of those.

anyway it’s nearly one in the morning so uhh i’m going to bed bc my brain is done, but tldr: good vibes and excitement all round for morai!

[blockgamepirate]

So, on DreamSMP Official, Dream just put up a video titled "evil origin", and he basically talks about a few things I've seen brought up on this blog, mostly how a lot of people didn't like being the bad guy (aka join Schlatt in the war) and that Eret got a lot of backlash for the control room betrayal. Dream also mentions part of the reason it worked out for him to be the bad guy all the time was cause of how big he already was/how easy it was for him to correct stuff, so fan backlash wasn't as big a deal. Seeing the earlier post about all the topics you want to cover at some point, curious what other "solutions" you've thought of for playing a bad guy without getting hate from the fandom. (It also reminded me of how in Tommy's SMP vid he mentioned being scared of destroying builds cause he thought fans would get upset.)

I did see people talking about that! I didn't watch the video myself though, I think I just assumed it was something he did on Discord or something. I was gonna reblog a transcript but I kinda actually felt like I wanted to respond to it and it would be a whole other post actually. Which I suppose is now this post.

Basically just talking about whether straight up villains are even necessary or helpful for the story, and also pointing out that Dream's framing is a bit misleading actually, because plenty of these people had taken antagonist roles before and still continue to do so. I actually kinda get the feeling that making c!Schlatt so undeniably bad was to the detriment of the plot because he just kept driving people away, none of the characters had a reason to side with c!Schlatt, because he was such a dick to everyone, even on his own side. Like Dream said, his character didn't have a reason to side with c!Schlatt, but neither did anyone else's characters. That was the problem, wasn't it?

Having one individual evil guy is a recipe for very unbalanced fights and needing all sorts of contrivances to justify evening the odds.

I don't buy that it was nobody wanting to play villains, I mean Wilbur obviously was willing to play a villain, the Badlanders were willing to play villains, at least Bad and Ant were, Sapnap was willing to play a villain as long as he could side with Dream IIRC, Karl was willing to play a villain so he could get into an animatic... And even a bunch of the guys who left Manburg would play at the very least morally questionable characters in other contexts so it really doesn't seem like that was the issue. To me it looked way more like the Manburg side just kinda sucked. There wasn't anything interesting to do and also all the audience attention was on Pogtopia anyway. And people didn't have character reasons to side with c!Schlatt either.

Also, well, I don't know what more they could have done about this because they did very much try to make this point and then the fandom just ignored them, but the other problem here was Pogtopia being seen as the good guys in the first place, which they honestly weren't. Not objectively speaking. I mean arguably some Pogtopia members were good guys individually, but Pogtopia as a whole? It was much less black and white than the fandom insists.

And you really don't need to have a clear good side and bad side. Look at the Las Nevadas finale, right? Is c!Quackity the good guy here? Or is it c!Purpled? Or c!Dream? No, obviously not! They all suck in different ways! None of them are the good guy. But they're all compelling characters, they all have motivations and reasons for doing what they do. There's no clear designated Evil Side and the story is all the better for it.

(... Just gonna ignore all the people who are convinced that Quackity IS the good guy, can't win them all)

You might say Slime is the good side, but then the fact that the "good side" ends up just being "realising all the sides suck" only underlines my point I think.

I mean, all that said, I do get Dream's point and it's a valid argument, I just kinda disagree with some of his premises. I don't think a clear bad guy is necessary or even good to have and I don't think the server members are actually as unwilling to play bad guys as he presents it.

(Sidenote: this isn't just about Dream either, Dream isn't the only one making the points I disagree with, I've heard a lot of DSMP members and fans over the years talking about how they need a villain for the plot, it seems to be a popular take. Wilbur is a notable exception, he's always been in favour of moral ambiguity AFAIK.)

I do agree that all the fandom backlash makes it very hard to play the bad guy, though, and that it's much easier for big streamers to deal with that hate.

"Solutions", though... I don't have solutions for the harassment. That's not really even what I was planning to talk about tbh, because I don't really see there being a solution to it. I don't think "only big streamers should play villains/antagonists" is a good solution, because IMO designated villains make for really boring storytelling.

And the thing is that the fandom is gonna freak out anyway if people try to insert any kind of nuance into their characters so idk, trying to please them just seems like a recipe for extremely bland narratives where everybody's clearly either good or bad and no complexity is allowed.

(Sorry, I might be a bit overly salty here, but it really feels like that sometimes)

And either way it's not like the fandom is ever gonna agree on what it wants! Because some people are vehement about one thing and then others are equally vehement about the opposite of that thing. Somebody's always gonna get mad. You can't please them all.

I guess I'd say just ban all the toxic fans. Just ban them in all chats. Let them know that anyone who's toxic is gonna get banned, not just by the streamer they sent hate to but also by their favourite streamer. I mean it might be too much work, idk, but if so, maybe even just threaten to do it. Or just have everyone mod Phil lmao (I'm kidding, don't put all the work on Phil alone)

But that to me sounds like a solid show of solidarity. Circle the wagons.

idk, that's one thought anyway. Like I said, I don't have solutions. All I have is opinions, sorry.

[rockstar-bonett]

Every night you dream that you talk to a genie, when you wake up you can't remember what you wished for. One morning you wake up with a giant crab pincer replacing your right arm. What do you do?

I stare at the new limb attached to me in shock, not sure what to make of it. I start brainstorming on how this happened, my mind still a little foggy from just waking up.

Then I come to a realisation: My dreams might've been real this whole time. I always found it strange that it was a reoccuring dream with only small changes and yet I could never remember how it ended as in the actual wish itself. Still I never really thought much into it but now seemingly it had some effects on my real life too - if the giant crab pincer, replacing my arm and my dreams are truly connected in some way.

All in all it doesn't really matter. Now the most important thing is figure out how to deal with this situaison. I either have to get rid of it or try to learn to live with it. Of course, I'd try the former first. Having a crab pincer as an arm would be pretty inconvenient in the long run. Especially since it's my right arm which I mostly use for certain tasks.

But how would I even do it? I can't really go to a doctor because they'd probably just try to cut it off or something, then I'd loose my arm entirely. I also doubt I could turn to any of my friends since they would just freak out. Then again what would happen if I did keep it?

Well for starters I would pretty much be unable to do anything. I couldn't write or draw or even properly use my phone anymore. Eating would also proove to be difficult as well as any other daily activities, even getting dressed. But there must be some cooler sides to this, right? I mean I could cut things with it with ease and...and... Actually that's all I can think of. Speaking of cutting I might accident cut myself or others with it. That wouldn't be too great. Yeah it was stupid to even consider the good sides of this arm, maybe I should get back to figuring out how to make into an actual human arm again. Mmm, but I debunked that earlier, didn't I? Still I only considered options involving other people who are all but humans like myself.

If I showed this to anyone, they overreact the situaison because they couldn't make sense of it. When in reality it's nothing too serious, really. It's just that I have a crab arm now and I might be stuck with it forever...

Oh god... I have a crab arm now and I might be stuck with it forever!!!

My mind now completely cleared up from the morning drowziness from before and it is alert and paniced as ever. Earlier I just thought with a sort of detachment like it wasn't actually my problem but now I fully and truly realised it's the opposite. This thing is litterally attached to me! As long as it stays that way, I'm never gona be able to live a normal life again.

My eyes start to get teary because of my rising anxiety but I quickly stop myself from panicing and take a few deep breaths. It's gona be fine. I can fix this - I think to myself. There must be a way. There just has to be. C'mon think!

And that I do. Then I remember my dreams once more... That's it! The solution may be in my dreams! If I wished for this to happen and it came true, then if I just wish for it to go away, it probably will! Even if I don't remember it afterwards. It'd really be best if this all just stayed in my memory as a nightmare.

With that I lie back down in my bed and I wait for sleep to come take me. Sadly it doesn't really work however. I've become to alert and too awake to be able to sleep again. Despite that I stay still with my eyes closed but my attempt once again fails. This is no good. What do I do? I can't go to work like this. Especially since I'm probably already late. Oh well, I'll just...stay home today and wait until I can sleep again.

I open my eyes and to my surprise the scenery has changed. And before my eyes there is a figure floating above the ground. It's the genie!

"Welcome back, master." they speak. I stare in silence and shock. Was I already asleep? I didn't feel like being asleep. Everything felt too real and when I looked down to check my crab arm was still there. I sigh in disappointment but remember that the genie is still here. Right. Maybe I should ask them some questions.

"Genie, how come you're here? As far as I'm aware, I'm awake so... My real question is, how are you real? How-how is any of this real?"

The genie's expression doesn't change, then they answer as if they have been prepared for this question.

"It always has been. Up until this point, I only came to you through your dreams. But now you were so desparate to undo your wish that I felt I should come sooner this time."

"So I did wish for this thing huh." I ask while holding up the crab pincer. The genie nods. "That's right. I myself didn't understand either but you kept on insisting."

"I did?" I ask with a confused expression. "But why would I? A crab arm is nothing but inconveniences."

"I thought so too but kept going on and on about how it would be so cool and how many things you could do with it. And since your wish is my command, I was unable to stop you from making this decision." the genie explained with a sort of guilty expression.

I just sit there in complete shock at my own stupidity. Guess the saying that some ideas sound better in your head than said outloud, really is true. "Well, can you undo it?" I ask, quickly getting back to my point.

This time the genie's expression changes. It becomes much more serious than it already was.

"Well yes," they start "but..." they pause. I look at them confused as to why the hold up. After while, they continue speaking.

"I am not going to lie to you - mostly because the rules of genie-hood doesn't allow me to. If you make it... This will be your last wish." The genie says with complete seriousness. My eyes widen at the statement. "So... I won't be able to wish for anything else?"

"I am afraid not." the genie's expression saddens.

"But why?" I ask.

"There is a limit to how many wishes you can make. And it seems, you've used up just about all of it but this last one."

We both fall silent after that. I think about what consequenses this could have or what I could lose with it. The more I think about, the more I realise: not that much. I didn't know of the abnormal effects of my dreams until now so I will most likely be fine after they disappear.

"I see." I reply. "I still want you to do it though."

"I had a feeling you'd say that. And that is indeed the best decision. However..." the hesitation in his voice gives me a bad feeling.

"What is it genie?" I ask concerned.

"I do not mean to place a burden upon you but, I'm afraid once you make this wish, not only will it be your last but I will also be gone."

"You mean I won't be able to see you anymore...?"

"Correct."

I think things through once again and come to the same conclusion. The genie might be nice but I didn't know about them being real until now either. However

"Wait! The way you phrased it..." I come to a different realisation. "You're not gona...die are you?" The genie's expression softened up and out of the blue it bursts into a laugh.

"HAHAHA! I truly appritiate your concern Master but there is no need to worry. I will simply pass to another person's dreams. That's all there is to it."

"Oh." I exclaim sort of relieved. "How long have you been doing this?"

"For too long to count. I am bound to repeat this cycle until someone wishes me to be free." the sadness in their tone returns.

Suddenly I realise why they were so sad. If I make my wish to undo the previous one, then it's another wasted opportunity for the genie to get their freedom. So that's what they meant by not wanting to place a burden on me. What should I do? I can't decide between my own well being and someone else's freedom!

"Genie I..." as if they could read my thoughts

"Do not concern yourself with such things. I will be alright. I am to serve you and not the contrairy."

"But I can't just make you repeat this endless cycle again! I don't even care about my arm anymore, you have the right to be free!"

"I know and that is why you shouldn't worry. Somewhere, someday, someone will wish for my freedom. And that place, time and person doesn't have to be you." they say reassuringly but melancolicly.

I feel at a loss. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Should I just take my chance and forget about genie? Or should I save them at a risk of not being able to live normally again. Neither is pleasing enough. Too bad I only have one wish. If only I could wish for more wishes. If only I didn't waste one from the last two on this stupid crab arm...

Then the idea hits me. It is risky yet somehow brilliant and is most likely the best solution to both of our problems. I just really, really hope it will work.

"Alright genie, I decided on my last wish."

"Very well. What is your wish, Master?"

I take a deep breath. I look at my arm and back at genie. This is probably the last time I will see the both of them.

"I wish...for you to reverse time before my second last wish."

The genie hesitates. Then just smiles, snaps their fingers and says

"Your wish is my command."

[placebogirl7]

Kinoshita: Ren's assistant and "voice of conscience"

I decided to make an analysis about one of the most underrated character in Nana (also because he doesn't appear that much) but who I appreciate so much. Prepare yourself for a very long post to read because my beloved Kinoshita deserves it! ;) Kinoshita has been introduced as Ren assistant: his role is to drive Ren home when he's too tired, to remind him his schedule, to help him with whatever he needs. Kinoshita is also a big fan of Ren, so he's excited to have the opportunity to work with his idol. When we first see him in the manga, he's driving Ren home after a long day work. He's fashinated about Ren's expensive car and when Ren tells him that it's just a car and he doesn't matter about apprearance unlike Takumi, Kinoshita says to him that he's very talented and rich but he's not ambitious despite this. He also says that he let Takumi have control even his music and that it's when he plays punk music that he gives is best. Kinoshita is firmly convinced that Ren soul belongs to punk and that's the kind of music he should do. Probably in the old days he would have been a huge fan of former Blast! XD He sees the potential of Ren and he's aware that Takumi is "suppressing" it asking him to write songs more suitable for Reira's voice (which is definitely not punk).

At first Ren laughs about Kinoshita's words, because they just seems the words of an excited fan, but later he realized that maybe those words werent' that stupid. In fact, during a talk with Takumi, the latter says something that immediately make Ren remind of Kinoshita. Takumi basically confirmed what Kinoshita himself said before: Ren shows his best when he act like a rebel punk and he plays punk music. Can we just spend one minute looking at Ren's face expression in the last image of the panel below? He's smiling, but there's a sad expression on his face after he realized that Kinoshita's words were right. I think in that moment Ren realized what he had left behind and the fact that he's not free as he was in the past. He has to play the role of Trapnest's guitarist and he can't be anymore just Ren Honjo. Suddenly Takumi's kingdom was not so bright anymore compared to his own one little kingdom he abandoned.

So we can say that Kinoshita is the first one who really realized Ren's real potential and he has no fear to tell him directly.

Another thing that I appreciate about Kinoshita is exactly that he doesn't have fear to tell what he thinks and he has the courage to do it even about Takumi. Despite his evident bad attitude, nobody in Cookie staff has the courage to rebel against Takumi: they just wait for hsi orders and obey to them even if they don't agree. But one day, while talking to Ren, Kinoshita finally expresses what in my opinion is the thought of everyone: they are just little soldiers at the service of Takumi. He respects him and he recognize that he's an excellent business man, but he's not good when it comes to treat people in a decent way. He lacks of empathy and of other things on a human level. Even if Ren doesn't seem to appreciate this, I think Kinoshita was totally right and also I love how he feels at ease to confess to Ren his thoughts and opinion: he doesn't seem to simply consider Ren as an idol or a person he has to take care of but as a sort of friend to whom he can feel free to talk.

Later in the story, Kinoshita starts to re-evaluate Takumi after he found a solution to stop the scandal between Ren and Reira. He understands that Takumi actually cares about the band and its members and he carefully thinks about everything to avoid bad situations or loss that may bring damages to Cookie Music. Also, he doesn't see himself anymore only as Ren's assistant (like he has done until that moment) but he starts to see himself as a "vassal" of Trapnest, embracing Takumi's vision that he had criticized before. Ren is very happy to know that, look at his smile.

And now let's talk about Ren's drug addiction and how Kinoshita reacts to that. Of course Kinoshita knows about Ren's problem but he also knows he can't do a lot to be helpful. When Ren tries to get rid of all the cocaine he has but then starts to suffer from withdrawal, while they are driving to Cookie Music, Kinoshita notices that Ren doesn't feel good at all and tries to convince him to go to the hospital instead of going to work. Ren won't listen to reasons and yell at him to bring him at Cookie Music (knowing that Narita will give him drug). In the end Kinoshita obey to his order, but since he's really worried and not satisfied he later decided to call Takumi and inform him about Ren's conditions. Despite he doesn't like Takumi, he knows that he's the only one he can ask for help because Takumi has something he lack of: the power to find a solution even to the most complicated things. The binomial hate-admiration that Kinoshita has for Takumi is evident from the beginning to the end of the serie. I won't put images of the above mentioned scenes because Tumblr allows you to put only 10 images per post and I need to reserve the space for other images of more important scenes, but I'm sure you all remeber both the scenes I mentioned.

Another thing I want to point out is Kinoshita's vision about Nana and Ren's relationship. We can say that he has always been very considerate about their relationship and he never doubted even for a second that Nana wasn't sincere about Ren. He had understood from Ren that they truly loves each other and he sincerely wanted them to stay together. The little panel below is an example of this: Nana and Ren were having hard times and they rarely met each other. They had just found a new house but they couldn't spend time together in it and Kinoshita seemed to be very sorry because he saw how much Ren needed to stay with her.

Another scene were he demonstrates he cares for Nana and Ren's relationship is when Search publish that scandalous article and all the media start to talk about this, inventing fake things. Ren doesn't say a word and Kinoshita encourages him to do what he want, telling him that if he wants to spend good words about his girlfriend in front of the reporters, he won't prevent him from doing it. He says to Ren "follow what your heart tells you to do", which is the same thing that Yasu himself had told him in the bathroom during the Trapnest Vs. Blast show, when they spoke about Ren's drug addiction and Nana's hyperventilation attacks. Again, Kinoshita is acting like a supportive friend to Ren and not only as a mere assistant. When Ren refuses to do it and defines his old band members and friends (including his girlfriend) "old thrown away partner", Kinoshita seems shocked by that reaction. I personally was shocked too when I read it, because Ren really acted like a jerk in that moment. He put his career and Trapnest above his love and realtionship and friends, acting like Takumi would have acted, and so for Kinoshita (who in that moment still didn't appreciate Takumi for this) it must have been disappointing to see him acting in that cold way towards his lover and friends who were being accused.

Later, while Trapnest are in London, Ren realises that he acted like he didn't care and he reminds of Kinoshita's words (exactly like it happened when he told him he gave his best when he played punk music).

When Ren and Nana separate and Ren refuses to go fetch her because he feels ashamed to meet her and tell her about his drug addiction, Kinoshita takes the initiative and decide that if Ren needs to be encouraged to go to Nana, then he will be the person who will encourage him. He knows that Ren needs Nana and he hopes that reuniting with her could help him to feel better and convince him to stop taking drugs. While they are in Ren's car driving towards Cookie Music and Ren is talking about this with Hachi on the phone, Kinoshita asks him where Nana is in that moment and when he answers "Osaka", Kinoshita immediately change direction and starts to drive towards Osaka.

Again Kinoshita brings out his rebel side and affirms that he can't do what the staff expect him to do or follow Takumi's orders: he's convinced that he's doing the right thing (and he was definitely doing it in my opinion). He blames again Takumi and his way of handling the situation, knowing that what Ren needs is professional help and a break to recover, but Ren suddenly brings out the reality of the fact: he's not disappointed by Takumi or the staff, he's disappointed by him, his own hero, the idol he estimates so much. Kinoshita doesn't know what to answer, he doesn't want to hurt Ren and probably he doesn't want to admit to himself that Ren is right. In the last scene of the panel below, Kinoshita's expression is very sad because he realized that there's nothing he can do anymore to help Ren. He did his best but he failed. I think it must have been hard for him to realize that.

I think we can make a comparison here: Kinoshita has always idealized Ren exactly as Nobu did. They both saw Ren has an invincible hero, a perfect creature to admire and they wish to be like him, but then they realized that not all that glitters is gold and that Ren wasn't as perfect as they saw him. He was actually more fragile then them and they feel powerless because they knew they couldn't do anything to help him. When you idealize a person so much and then you discover that person isn't as you saw him/her, then you feel disappointed and that's what happened to both Kinoshita and Nobu.

Last but not least, after Ren's death Kinoshita tries his best to complete what Ren has left incomplete. His thoughts aren't for Trapnest's future or Cookie Music or for his work: his thoughts are for Nana, just like the last thoughts of Ren were. Kinoshita's mission is to be a sort of "emissary" who has to bring to Nana the feelings Ren was going to express her, his last words, his thoughts for her. The scene below is so sad but I love it, it's one of my favorite in the manga. Looking at Kinoshita crying while saying that "Please, accept it" breaks my heart evry time. He's literally begging Nana to take that present which Ren wanted to give her but didn't manage to, he wants Ren to be happy wherever he is in that moment, knowing that his wish has been fulfilled.

So, after all this recap of Kinoshita's moments, I think we can say that he's not only a mere assistant for Ren, but he's also a friend. His feelings for Ren are sincere, he doesn't praise him because he wants to keep his work, he praise him because he sincerely admire him. Kinoshita knows Ren needs and try to help him as much as he can, not only with his work but even more with his personal life. And if we consider all the times he has said something and Ren hasn't taken him seriously, but later realized how much he was right, we can say that Kinoshita's role in the story is to be Ren's "voice of conscience", that voice we all have inside us that says to us what is the right thing to do (but we often ignore it like Ren did). Kinoshita is a sort of mixture between Yasu and Nobu: he gives Ren the same advices as Yasu would have given him and he admire him like Nobu did. I think this is a good thing for Ren, because now that he's not a member of Blast anymore he doesn't have much time to see his old and true friends (not that Naoki and Reira aren't his friends but...well, in my opinion they can't be compared to Yasu and Nobu), so having Kinoshita near is like having a part of his friends with him all the time.

I hope this super long post hasn't annoyed you and I hope now we can all love Kinoshita together because he deserves a lot of love for what he did ♥.

Nana Week 2021 Day 1 Prompt: side character

[emily-the-fae]

Every Day is a Lullaby

A oneshot. This honestly came to my mind yesterday night, I do not know how well the idea turned out to be.

Fandom: Supernatural

Pairing: Arthur Ketch x OC

Warnings:probably language, blood, injury, background character death, brief mentions of sex, angst mith mix of fluff

Rated: T

Mr Ketch has many sides, likable and repulsing - but which one of his faces is truly his is sometimes an uncertainty even for him.

Harper reflects on the changes on their relationship as they get out of a hunt gone wrong. While Ketch reconsiders some of his past choices... And reasons why he is still alive.

If he's a serial killer

Then what's the worst

That can happen to a girl

Who's already hurt

I'm already hurt

The first time Harper met him was a coincidence. It was long before the whole nephilim thing, long before she found out what kind of man he was, what kind of hunter he was. Yet even back then in the span of their first couple of meetings  she felt he was no good.

A stupid hunting coincidence.

Harper was not used to hunting alone. She did that to herself - separated herself from the Winchesters. However much she loved Sam and Dean, she could not bear continuously being around them, not after everything that happened. Not after Charlie. Because no matter what Dean said or how Sam reassured her - it was her fault. Charlie was a great friend. Charlie had the brightest soul. Harper was late to help her and now Charlie was no more. It was all Harper's fault.

Driving away and going head first into hunting was the outmost Winchester way of dealing with the guilt and grief. Hunting alone while slowly coming out of her lowest phase - those were the circumstances under which Harper met Arthur Ketch.

The first time it happened it was a coincidence - two hunters choosing the same target is not uncommon. Harper was already on spot and all in the fight when he arrived. "Are you insane going into a whole vampire nest alone?" - those were the first words she ever heard from him. She might have been slightly insane, but he sure was a damn psycho. To be honest if not for him she would have probably ended up dead or turned in that vampire nest that night. Harper hates being honest about it.

The second coincidence happened just a few days after the first one - she would later on doubt if it was a coincidence at all. Perhaps it was. Harper would never really know - what she did know though was that he still had a small scar left above his left eyebrow - a mark of where she hit him with the grip of her gun, thinking it was the witch that was creeping up to her and absolutely not expecting to hear a male voice swearing after her blow. Arthur had not known her for 24 hours in sum and they were already making a scene after a hunt - Harper almost pitied she had not knocked him out straight away.

What happened on the next day? He caught her in the town and suggested to team up to avoid "future confusions". Rule number one how to become friends with Arthur Ketch: hit him in the face. Harper wasn't going to become friends with him - with any hunters for that matter - but fate seldom cared what Harper was going to do anyways.

Harper definitely lied to herself when she said that they were going to be only friends or that she was going to hate him after all the British Men of Letters invasion story. She didn't. Not with the way they met in the first place: him ripping her out of the claws of the angry remnants of the vampire pack - slightly concerned greyish blue eyes and a British accent was what greeted her at dawn that day, even though mid in fight she had accepted she would not see the sun again. It seemed symbolic how he saved her from giving up, from herself. And certainly not after the way their relationship went from mutual curiosity to blind semi-professional trust. Harper did not need a "friend" to console her: if she had wanted that she would have stayed around Sam - she needed someone unfeeling but understanding enough to see through her and consciously let it be.

She remembered it clearly - three hunts into their relationship - a month after their first encounter - they were sharing a hotel room. Two beds, late night after a hunt, she lied on her side and quietly cried. It was a demon hunt. The memories were too much. Arthur came into view and stared at her for a couple of moments before walking to his own bed.

- I'd say you can talk about it when you want to, but I doubt you will ever feel the necessity, - a brief caress of his hand against her shoulder. He did not try to relieve her, he allowed her to get to her own way of coping. For that Harper was grateful more than ever. - We all have skeletons in our closets, it's the downturn of the job.

Oh, dear Arthur, we are both now  aware you knew far too well what you were talking about. Harper doubted any hunter had a closet cemetery as large as Ketch's.

Yet... Even after that - the awkward reuniting with the Winchesters, being pulled away from him as she came back to her old friends and witnessing, luckily from a safe distance, how the man she grew to trust without actually knowing him, uncovered darker and darker sides of his personality. What was worst - after she refused to join the BMoL, he would continue to sometimes keep her hunting company, going on like nothing happened. Like nothing changed. Why worst? It let the image of the heartless killer that she should have seen before her now connect and combine with the image of the man who would patch her up on her darkest nights and put a firm hand on her shoulder when Harper was too deep in memory to restrain herself. His presence around her became a reassurance in itself - because he did not have to know to understand. And because he simply had not been there - looking into his eyes Harper wouldn't get reminded of the times when everything was still right, wouldn't get reminded of that one time everything went very wrong. Probably those were the main qualities that helped him win a spot in her heart. Those and his unending casual flirting.

And now? After everything was over, after his very dark side was revealed, the confessions were made and the redemption was played, what did she think of him? The hunter, turned out just a very well trained assassin - he had served the British Men of Letters, he had served Asmodeus - now here he was separated from any commanding he ever had, living a hunting life of his own and sometimes collaborating with the Winchesters. Therewere many dark moments forgotten for the sake of peace. Many more had yet to come up - judging by how Ketch treated his own history and interests of others.

" - I wonder where Mick went, he was always so nice... Nicer than you, anyways. Pity he went away all of a sudden, - Harper mentioned once after a hunt.

- He did not go anywhere. I shot him in the head just like Hess ordered, - Ketch seemed calm and cold as steel. " Sometimes Harper thought that leaving BMoL would change him, but moments like that she realized how slowly the changes - if any - would have to occur. That night she simply walked away, not saying another word.

If anyone ever asked Harper how Arthur's spot in her heart had shifted after all the mess he had caused? She would say that he never even had one... And think that truth to be told there was no flame hot enough to burn him out of her chest - his name carved on her ribs would have been easier to get rid of than the bittersweet affection she harboured for the moral wreck of a man named Arthur Ketch.

If he's as bad as they say

Then I guess I'm cursed

Looking into his eyes

I think he's already hurt

He's already hurt

Despite that Harper never dared pursue a relationship. Why? She was very sure with people like Ketch the only right strategy was not to expect them to be capable of attachment. The flirting, the sweet promising looks he would give her after a well-accomplished hunt... Harper would dream of believing them to be genuine. She was very well aware thinking him in any way genuine was a risk she was not ready to take. She knew Ketch would not mind letting that affair happen - he made that quite clear. She also knew it would mean absolutely nothing to him apart from some company and a warm body in his bed. Arthur Ketch was cold, unemotional and taught himself well not to get attached to anyone - and even if that was not true, he tried his damn best to make it seem so.

Harper sometimes hoped she saw it in his eyes: a silent "please keep safe" when they would part after a hunt, a sparking "I missed you" when they would meet once again. Arthur sometimes hoped she would see it too - very deep in his soul, deeper than he would ever be able to admit even to himself.

In other words, the outcome of the new hunt would have presented itself sooner or later anyways. They were actually quite lucky to have it present itself the way it did.

The werewolf did not seem such a hard target - away from bigger packs, alone terrorizing the neighborhood - just because he could. Problem and solution crystal clear - a hunt where one clearly sees the root of evil is a blessing for a hunter that's used to all the versions of heartbreaking stories. What Harper did not so clearly see was the gun in their opponent's hands. To be more precise: she did see it, but a little too late.

Two gunshots rang at the same time: her silver bullet hitting right into the monster's heart and his normal one - ... Ketch fell against the wall, sliding down to the floor: his left shoulder bled, the bulletproof vest, even though being pierced in the thinner area, had preserved him from being too deeply injured - but not kept completely safe from wounding.

Several seconds of silence - making sure the werewolf is not a threat anymore - realisation and fear finally hitting Harper.

- Ketch?... Ketch?!... Arthur! - the hunter was too disoriented to answer and his silence was taken as a bad sign. - Oh Lord, Arthur, no! - gone are the self-restraint and professional coldness: the moment she sees blood on his chest, she rushes to his side, forgetting about everything else in the world. She needs to make sure he will be fine. He has to be. - Arthur, please, don't die on me! Arthur! - she calls for his attention, the hunter slowly regaining his senses.

For a moment there he believes he hears Tony. This reminds him of some of his unlucky hunts from the years before, though back then he had certainly had it worse. Besides this definitely was not Tony.

Tony would have said "Ketch's down" and carry on with the hunt, eyes on the target, and when the deed was done she would pass him with a short "How is it?" - more out of politeness than genuine caring. That was exactly what she did the only two times he had been seriously injured infront of her.

- Ketch, answer me right this instant, don't you dare fading out! - panic in her voice, genuine. The idea of someone caring as much as to panic at the thought of his death seems too good to be true - for him at least. Arthur feels hands investigating his chest, checking for the wound: cold thin fingers running over his blood-covered skin. Not Tony - Harper.

- I'll live, darling, it's nothing too serious, - attempting to sound confident, but his voice is rasp. It's nothing serious, but it hurt nonetheless: the blow on the shoulder was much harder than anticipated and the bleeding needed to be stopped.

Harper looks into the light blue, borderline grey eyes - he is staring up at her, his gaze unguarded only for a moment that lets her see the uncommon softness and hope in his expression - just for a moment - she believes the things she guessed about him were true, she believes the pain visible in his eyes is true, only by accident revealed to her. The state lasts only a couple of moments - but even that is more than enough for his visible emotions to imprint into her mind.

Arthur Ketch was able to feel. Arthur Ketch could be in pain. Arthur Ketch was capable of needing help.

I said "Don't be a jerk, don't call me a taxi"

Sitting in your sweatshirt, crying in the backseat ooh-ooh

I just wanna dance with you

Hollywood and Vine, Black Rabbit in the alley

I just wanna hold you tight down the avenue ooh

I just wanna dance with you

It was a wonder that the hotel clerk did not stop them on their way - Ketch looked positively dying - Harper was quite sure there was no legal thing that could have happened to him that would have explained this appearance. This was the reason normal hunters chose motels: less suspicion. Harper briefly wondered where he got the money to maintain his former lifestyle, since he was stripped of the BMoL funding, but she guessed there were other sources on his side and he was just too stubborn to change his ways.

When they stumbled into his hotel room, Arthur made a move to drop himself on the bed, but Harper grabbed him by the collar swiftly, dragging him away in the other direction.

- Ketch don't you dare stain the sheets, they'll report us, - she mumbled, pushing him to enter the bathroom and dropping him to sit on the edge of the tub.

He would have laughed if the sudden movement had not caused sharp pain to shoot through his damaged shoulder, making him wince. Alexandra. He had wondered for so long whom Harper reminded him of and out of all moments they shared it was this that made him realise. The memory reappeared in his mind so vividly now.

"Artie, no! Don't go to your room, you'll stain your carpet! Mum will kill us!" - and the older girl held him under his arms, guiding him to the kitchen.

He still remembered it: the years before school, before Kendricks, him and his sister mostly alone in the house with parents constantly away. Alexandra had brought him up before Kendricks had. Alexandra had a lovely voice, she would read him bedtime stories, she would sing to him, she was kind and caring - probably the only human being in his life that ever seemed to care. When he went to Kendricks was the last time he had ever seen her... Well, alive. Alexandra was kind and caring - and that was probably the reason why she had not made it through the training. In fact her death might have been the only reason why he survived and made it to the top - having no one care about you has a benefit: you don't have to care about anyone too.

After his sister's funeral life had never felt the same and Arthur had been quite certain before that it was for the better. Now, watching Harper rush about, trying to find the medical kit to help him, he thought that he had been terribly wrong all the damn time.

How long has she known him? A couple of years, not more, but the relationship between them reached beyond the borders of friendship or companionship. That little american hunter - the first time he saw her he thought she was suicidal, the second one - bold and full of sass. The following months proved her well capable of combining both while turning out to be so much more, one of which being: to be able to love Arthur Ketch. Of course he knew she loved him - this was among those traits in her that he openly treated with polite contempt and deep down envied more than anything.

He watched Harper come to his side, sliding his hunting gear off his shoulders - her movements so gentle, her eyes filled with worry and guilt.

- I'm so sorry Arthur, I should have... - you're always sorry. You always think it is your fault and none else's. This was most probably the main reason why it was so easy for him to openly reject her feeling: they both knew she loved him, they both knew he saw it, he toyed with her so many times, being suggestive, flirting. "As long as I enjoy the physical aspects of having an affair, the emotional attachment that other people believe necessary to form is rather pathetic" - he told her once. He actually said that, those were his words. I would like to fuck you as long as you shut your disgustingly human little heart. She stared at him for a moment, her beautiful face almost successfully hiding the hurt - then turned away silently, shrugging her shoulders. He was being a jerk. Harper never stopped him from that, Harper seemed to take it all in and believe he was right, believe that her feeling for him was utterly pathetic. That it was her fault.

- It was no one's mistake, love, it was an unlucky accident. Besides it didn't turn out that awful, - he trailed off. She was cleaning his skin over the wound now, preparing to apply stitches. Arthur could sense a little shudder in her at the word "love". He was so used to saying it that he forgot about all the connotations it held. Lord, was he bad at this.

Harper continued her work silently. She felt him studying her face and prayed to be finished as quick as possible - she did not need another heartbreaking hope and she had already made the mistake of looking into his eyes that night. When the last stitch was done, she turned away to put the materials aside and sensed him straighten up behind her back - Harper felt he wanted to say something else, but she could not give him that opportunity. She almost thought he would die that night - seeing him on the floor made her blood run cold - she did not need any more pain to add to the aftermath of the shock.

- I'm going to my room, but please call me if you feel worse during the night, - she spoke, not turning to face him, ready to walk out of the bathroom. Harper felt his hand grab her wrist in a rushed movement and turned abruptly only to see him staring back at her with unguarded softness in his eyes. The only time she remembered Arthur look at her like that was when she twisted an ankle during the hunt all due to his mistake. It scared her a little to see that expression on him.

- Why won't you just stay to keep an eye on me? - his voice low, with an undertone she so often heard when he flirted with her.

- You're a big boy, Ketch, we both know that even stitching you up was superfluous, you can perfectly well tend to yourself, - a smile. Harper tried to brush it off jokingly, ready to make her leave, but his grasp on her wrist only grew stronger.

- Stay.  At least for this night. Please, - the smile disappeared from her face. He sounded wounded, he sounded like he really pleaded. Harper broke away from his grasp, taking a step back.

- You don't need a... - she shook her head.

- But I do, - he stood up, taking a step towards her, not letting her increase the distance between them. His fingers came up to caress her cheek gently. - Harper, stay, - she shut her eyes, standing still and quiet for a couple of seconds, seemingly fighting back emotions.

- You don't mean this, - she said, looking up at him sharply and confidently, but in a moment, failing to restrain herself, she continues more quietly and softly. - Why do you have to be so cruel to me? - he could see tears brimming in her eyes.

They stood frozen in front of each other, her face so close to his, her eyes watering - not because of this particular evening, but because of all those times before he had behaved in similar nature. It was the first time she had so directly addressed the issue of her feelings for him. "Why do you have to be so cruel to me?" She seemed to be waiting for an actual answer. Why was she always so kind to him? Like he was normal, like he didn't hurt her? Arthur leaned down, his hand still cupping her cheek, his lips touching hers gently and firmly.

Harper closed her eyes - not as a girl would do in a pretty romantic movie - she shut her eyes, pressing her eyelids together, holding her breath, shuddering. A single tear ran down her cheek.

When they parted, though his face still stayed just a few centimeters away from hers, Harper opened her eyes again, her breath shaking.

- Arthur...

His free hand circled her waist, pulling her closer to him, as his fingers slid away from her cheek,  moving behind her head, running through her hair. Arthur leaned close to her ear, his breath ghosting over her neck.

- Because I hate how you make me feel like I can still have a life, like not everything is lost. I hate how you make me feel worth being cared about and able to care. I hate how you make me feel, - he said that rushed and quiet. Pressing his front to the side of her head, breathing deeply.

- And what if you are lying? What if this all is for the sake of one night? I'm tired of guessing if you have a soul or not, Arthur, I'm too worn out, - she wispered after some time, leaning her forehead into his uninjured shoulder.

- Then trust me this one time. I promise. Please.

- Why?

- Because I need you. I need you to feel alive.

Arthur felt her let out a deep breath, her petite form pressing itself to his, her arms sliding behind his back to hold him close. She raised her head, freezing for a moment before their eyes met, then leaning up - their lips meeting now less gingerly than the first time.

- Does that mean you'll stay?

- You're such an asshole, Ketch...

- I know.

Harper hid her face in his chest, sobbing quietly, her form shacking, worn out both physically and emotionally. Arthur kissed her temple softly, caressing her back, for once feeling like he did everything right. For once feeling like they had a chance.

Happiness is a butterfly

Try to catch it like every night

It's escaping from me into moonlight

[sunflowerim]

I LOVE YOU 3000!

-PART 41

Harry was shook. It's like every good thing that had been happening came crashing down at once. And he couldn't even tell Louis. He'd understand. Of course he would, but he'd also get mad at his manager and he couldn't afford to see what would happen if Louis told his manager off.

How was he supposed to spend time with Louis and hide something this big? Louis would see right through him.

Harry checked the contract that was mailed to him. 2 month contact. Ends after the Oscars.

He had to manage everything for two months. He just didn't have a choice. He'd probably have to avoid Louis for the time being.

Tears welled up in his eyes at the mere thought of it. Harry had begun to feel like Louis was somewhat his family, and Louis came with the package of two adorable kids and a furry friend, who absolutely loved Harry. He couldn't do this alone. Harry really needed to see Louis, to hug him, to feel the assurance that no matter what, Louis wouldn't be mad. With a hard heart, he discarded that thought and at once set off for Niall's apartment- the only person he could turn to at this moment.

He crashed into Niall's apartment and over a tub of ice cream told him everything that had happened.

Niall was furious.

"How dare he? I could talk about his bitchy attitude on the radio and we'll see how THAT affects him."

"No Niall," Harry said between hiccups. He'd been crying for too long, "don't do anything. He told me not to tell anyone. And I suppose it'll be normal after 2 months."

"2 months Harry. You do realise that's long. 2 months brought you and Louis closer than ever and the same time could ruin things too."

"Don't say that," Harry whispered, breaking down again.

"I'm sorry Harry," Niall said, wrapping Harry in a comforting hug, "but you should talk to him-"

"I can't-"

"Then how do think you'll go on about this?"

"Perhaps I really need to cut down our interactions for a while."

"Not to be that person, but don't you think after yesterday, Louis will be expecting more of your presence?"

"I'll tell him I have work. I'll do anything. I don't want his career to come to harm because of me."

"I appreciate that Harry, but do you think you guys can talk it over?"

"No Ni, I just can't tell him about this."

"Okay okay," Niall continued in a soothing voice. "In that case I won't ask you anymore. Now let's bake something. It always gets your mind off things."

-

In the two days that followed, Louis actually got really busy at work, and Harry didn't have to make excuses for staying away. Although Louis did ask if Harry could come over and stay the night, but Harry excused himself saying that he was visiting his sister and so Louis didn't suspect a thing.

-

But on Wednesday, things changed a bit. Louis got off work in the evening and asked Harry if he wanted to grab pizza. Harry couldn't come up with a good excuse in time and truth be told, he didn't want to. He was already miserable and wanted to see Louis badly. Louis agreed to meet Harry at his house and when he finally reached Harry's door, he was surprised.

"What is all this?" Louis teased, "hoodie, beanie, sunglasses, mask, were going for pizza Harry, not to some mission as undercover agents."

"Oh I know, it's just, paps seem to get everywhere and I'm kinda tired, so-"

"Aw you poor thing, come here."

Louis spread his arms and Harry enveloped him in an instant, hugging Louis like his life depended on it. He didn't wanna let go, for the fear of not being able to do this again was eating him from inside.

Louis seemed to sense it.

"Everything okay Haz?" he asked, stroking Harry's curls. Harry's face was buried in Louis' neck and he hummed in response and Louis hugged him tighter.

After what felt like an eternity, Harry finally let go.

"Leave your car here. Let's walk."

Louis smiled but his brows furrowed the slightest. Harry seemed off.

They slowly walked down the lane to the pizza place 2 blocks away, their held hands swinging between them.

Louis tried to ask Harry if anything was bothering him, but Harry shoved it away, saying it's nothing and he was just tired.

For a moment Louis wondered if Harry regretted last night and was slowly distancing himself because of that. But that couldn't be right. Harry wouldn't be walking with him if he really did regret that.

Putting his worries aside, he tried to focus on the perfect weather and thought about staying back at Harry's place. Maybe some cuddles could make Harry feel better.

As they approached the destination, they suddenly heard some squeals. Looking to their right, they saw an excited bunch of people in the park next to the restaurant, running in their direction. They'd apparently spotted Harry over the fence and it surprised Louis how they'd managed to recognise him in this get up. Louis knew Harry was tired and tried to tug Harry inside quickly but to his surprise, Harry shook his hand free of Louis and stepped back. Louis was taken aback. If he could see Harry's eyes, he'd probably understand how apologetic Harry was, but those were hidden behind his shades.

"You go ahead, I'll come in a while."

Louis nodded and left, unable to give a proper reply, head clouded by a thousand thoughts.

Before disappearing inside the restaurant, Louis turned around once and saw Harry, mask off, talking to the fans and taking pictures, a smile plastered on his face.

He ordered a milkshake for him as he waited for Harry to join him.

As much as he tried not to think about what happened, it all kept coming back.

Why did Harry leave his hand like that? People already knew they were friends, it wouldn't have been a big deal.

Was Harry embarrassed of Louis?

Did he not want to be spotted with him?

Did Louis do something wrong?

Louis racked his brain to think of something he might have done that could upset Harry, but nothing came to mind.

The minutes were getting longer and Louis was growing impatient waiting for Harry.

His worst fears came to action when he got a call from Harry.

"Hey Lou," he panted, sounding exhausted.

"Harry, where are you? It's been almost thirty minutes, are they not leaving?"

"There's been a bit of problem, they weren't leaving, so I had to tell them that I'm heading back home. I didn't wanna crowd the restaurant. So I walked back towards home."

"Wha- are you kidding me?"

"I'm really sorry Lou, I'll make it up to you I promise. Please don't be mad."

Louis could feel Harry was lying, because the excuse was downright stupid.

Maybe his concerns were actually right. Maybe Harry was indeed avoiding him.

Louis cut the call with an abrupt "Yeah." He didn't know what to feel. Harry had left. Just like that. He was obviously upset at the fact that Harry was avoiding him, but he was more mad at himself. Why did he expect so much from Harry? Louis was clearly not Harry's type.

He tried to reason with himself, thinking that there surely must be a misunderstanding, something that was going on that Louis wasn't aware off. With the little hope he had left in him, he stood up and left for home. At least he's got Cliffy.

Harry, a sobbing mess, went straight to Niall's. He silently hoped Louis wouldn't be mad at him. He knew he'd upset Louis and that's the last thing he'd planned on doing but Harry didn't really have a control over things happening in his life anymore.

As if things could get any worse, even Niall wasn't home and his phone was out of reach. So Harry waited. It was an hour before Niall arrived and found Harry at his doorstep.

"Jesus, what happened?"

Harry burst into a sob upon seeing Niall and between hiccups and sobs managed to tell Niall everything.

"I told you to talk to him Harold. Avoiding him isn't a solution."

Niall let them inside and eventually stopped talking about it. Instead he made Harry a cup of hot chocolate and they both watched re-runs of How I Met Your Mother on the telly in silence.

Back in his apartment, Louis ate his dinner quietly and went to bed early. He didn't have a proper word to describe how he was feeling.

Last weekend had been so special. What changed.

He logged in to twitter from his burner account before going to sleep and the first post he saw, turned his emotions around pretty quickly.

Harry looked happy. Not uncomfortable, as he seemed with Louis. Maybe Louis was the problem.

For a brief second he wondered if he should talk to Zayn or Liam about it but then decided against it because Louis didn't like discussing problem of these type. If there was a misunderstanding, Harry and Louis would figure it out themselves.

PREVIOUS / NEXT

INTRO

[selfcarecap]

I wanted to reply to your response earlier, but I wasn't sure if you felt comfortable with me continuing this conversation. So in case, you do not just ignore this little outburst of mine.

You're so right. They should definitely be declared qualified first. I feel like way too many people dive into this "let's start a family together" without thinking about the repercussions of actually having one. There's so much more than meets the eye. The more you think about it, the scarier it gets. You could seriously damage a person by not being in control of your own behaviour/emotions, lug around unattended problems and therefore transferring your predicaments onto them.

(At least that's what my parents feel like. Sometimes I wonder whether they just got children because everyone around them did as well, so they felt obligated to do it too, obligated to follow the plan outlaid by society.) Perhaps they're blinded by the embellished notion of a family, and project their problems into this idea, with the children as the possible problem solvers, the solution to all their inconveniences.

Worst of all is when they act like you owe them for being alive. Everything they provide is a necessary cost to get something in return, to be thanked for.

- sparkles

No but seriously. I understand that people want children and it’s what us humans do, we have children. Okay.

But like... don’t you think you should get your own shit together before YOU raise an entire new human? Like people say that us women who don’t want children (maybe because we simply don’t like children, or don’t want to be responsible for another human, or we don’t think we could be a good parent and we don’t think we can look after a child because we already have enough problems of our own to handle etc etc) ARE SELFISH? How am I selfish by not having a child that I don’t want. The child would not have a good life with me as their mother because I don’t want it. (sorry that’s obviously not what we’re really talking about but still😭)

And like... obviously we’re adults who can look after ourselves now and maybe parents who are bad parents weren’t always like that but.. if you’re noticing yourself becoming short tempered with your own child who you should love and you realise you’re basically.. just not a good person anymore, it’s also your responsibility to fix that if you have a child. Like you love your child right? RIGHT? Then why would you want to subject them to something like that? And omg. You (parents) made me. You are responsible that I am alive. And you don’t even wanna care for me anymore? Like I understand that parents want you to be independent one day and want you to be able to provide everything for yourself that they used to probide for you but.. it shouldn’t be a nuisance that you’re there. It’s a blessing that they get to care for their child.

(i’m not very good at this topic so i’ll stop😭 but people need to stop having children just for the sake of it or because they think it’s what you’re supposed to do.)

[villains-with-benefits]

Playing the blame game, and other pointless endeavours

A reflection on BNHA Chapter 291

Before and after: or, How to violently radicalise an abuse victim in five easy steps

I think a lot of the people throwing blame around or trying to declare that one character or another is the One True Villain™ or the One True Victim™ need to stop seeing personal responsibility as a zero sum game, because it really isn't.

Arguing about whether Dabi and Endevour should each have 50% of the blame or if it's more of a 60/40 or 70/30 split (in either direction) is pointless. Endeavour is 100% responsible for his abuse of his family and general failings as a human being, and Dabi is 100% responsible for the lives he's taken and people he's hurt in retaliation because of it.

Sure these two things are absolutely related in that good ol' cause-and-effect sense, much like how an earthquake at sea will cause a tsunami. And much like them neither happened in a vacuum, the surrounding environmental conditions needed to be just right for a perfect storm of this magnitude to occur. It just so happens that in this case both the earthquake (Endeavour) and the tsunami (Dabi) are not faceless forces of nature, but human beings with superpowers who chose to take action based on their deep-set mental and emotional issues at everyone else's expense, either because they think their needs are more important, they think the price paid is worth being the means to the end or (most likely) a combination of the two.

Please note, I don't say this to excuse or condemn either character, the readers who are taking sides, or even Horikoshi's writing. It's pretty well established by now that one of the biggest themes in BNHA is that there is no perfect black and white when it comes to people and society and morality, and just about all the conflict is driven by just how badly their entire system (which is built and determined to die on that hill) messes it up for absolutely everyone on all sides. Saying Dabi is a Bad Victim while Shouto is a Good Victim is just as pointless, because you're missing that the real villain is their broken society, of which everyone is a victim, even Endeavour.

Again, Endeavour was the one to abuse his family and he gets no passes for that so don't even try to argue that's what I'm saying, but he didn't wake up one day and just decide to do it. If Chapter 291 has done anything it's shown how escalation is nine tenths of the law in cases like this. He was already an asshole narcissist with a raging inferiority complex, we've heard from his own POV in an earlier chapter that he purposefully chose Rei to have kids with to eugenics a solution to his problem, he was never an upstanding guy.

While we don't see Endeavour's own upbringing there's a reason he's been such a strong narrative parallel with Bakugou, so we can make an educated guess from what we've seen of his what it must have been like having a powerful Quirk and ambitions being fed by the people around him, and the way Bakugou has clashed with characters like Deku and Shouto when he was confronted with the reality that he wasn't going to get Number One effortlessly, we can guess how well he took realising he was always going to be Number 2.

Pictured: the hero equivalent of always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

At least with Bakugou's rivals they're his own age and acknowledge him as a rival, All Might is at least a decade older than Endeavour and he's always been a loner who didn't get to know his colleagues that well. As readers we know All Might keeps his distance because he's kinda awkward socially, and because between the threat of All For One and maintaining the flawless image of the Symbol of Peace he wasn't ever able to let his guard down or it might risk people's safety. But just like Bakugou assuming Deku was looking down on him, from Endeavour's perspective it probably looked like All Might was looking down on Endeavour too.

Again, not excusing Endeavour. He's an asshole and needs to be held accountable for his actions. But just like Bakugou he didn't spring fully formed from the womb as an asshole, sure he had all the ingredients for it but their society is what decided it was a good idea to put the lime in the coconut and mix it all up, just like he's the one who broke Touya which ultimately led to the creation of Dabi.

Which brings us back to Dabi not just calling out his abusive dad but making a spectacle of it, and while again, yes, he's done a lot of murder and that's not okay either, he is absolutely justified in this. Especially because the part of his reasoning for his actions which isn't just maniacal laughter (also totally valid) is that he's correctly identified, much like Shigaraki, that while specific individuals have hurt them and must pay for it, that the overarching problem is hero society itself.

Shigaraki attacked All Might at first because Sensei said so, but later on because he was the symbol of everything he felt wrong with society, everything he's done has been to attack the pillars of the hero system like All Might and UA. Dabi attacked Endeavour, his abuser, but not just physically attacking him as a man and a father, but by attacking his reputation as the Number One Hero and the new pillar of society.

Pictured: an asshole who's realising that no matter how badly you think you done fucked up, another asshole can always come along and point out just how much worse it actually was than you thought.

Endeavour's sin was always acting as a hero first and a father second, if ever, and even then it was usually still to further his own ego and ambitions, which was tied so tightly to his role as a hero that Endeavour pretty much didn't exist outside of that. So Touya with his healthy sense of dramatic irony is naturally retaliating by treating him as a hero first and a father second, if ever, because that's the standard of behaviour that Endeavour himself set. Before discarding him for the new model he made it clear he wanted his son to be powerful, aggressive, independent, and to take down the Number One Hero without regard for anything else, and that's exactly what Dabi is doing. He's giving Endeavour exactly what he wished for and is making him choke on it.

Just like he said, Touya's making sure Endeavour reaps exactly what he sowed because it proves his point, that if he hadn't been such a violent, toxic narcissist none of this would be happening. His desire to call out his abuser is both personal and justified (regardless of how he's going about it), and it shouldn't be condemned because it has nothing to do with his family. His family, who he was the scapegoat of and who he hasn't seen in probably around a decade, and who are still keeping silent about the abuse even though as far as they know it killed him. I'm not saying he hates the rest of his family like he hates Endeavour (though it probably comes closest with Shouto, there's a lot to unpack there) but it would be a very complicated web of love and grief and resentment and guilt that he'd need a weapons-grade therapist to unravel, which he's clearly never gotten considering this is how he's dealing with the trauma.

tl;dr Touya is a victim just like Shouto, and all the awful things he's done as Dabi don't detract from that, just as his victimhood doesn't excuse his actions either.

In conclusion, you don't have to reconcile or find explanations or excuses for Endeavour's abuse or how any of the other Todorokis have been dealing with it, especially Touya. They are all established facts and exist as objective truth regardless of our feelings on the matter. Instead of making moral judgement on the characters (or the readers who love them/hate them) maybe we all need to stop and think about it critically first, especially when chapters are still incoming and we don't even have the full story yet.

If we can all spend some quality time thinking objectively about all the sides of the story and what lessons we can learn from them, I can guarantee that little things like 'having compassion', 'listening to victims and survivors before they have to resort to domestic terrorism to be heard' and 'learning from the mistakes of the past' will get us all much better results than just sharpening some pitchforks, no matter who they're pointed at.