#and then phoenix is probably around the same age as jj??

[enhanced-operatives-division]

One day I'll draw the ieytd cast with all the flower imagery i want

[jemelle]

these are ties that bind (1/8)

you can also find this story on ao3!

fandom: criminal minds

rating: g

(chapter) word count: 1,976

summary: emily and hotch must pretend to be in a long-term relationship in order to foster carrie. shenanigans and serious conversations alike ensue.

masterlist

one.

Emily Prentiss stood in front of the hotel door, hand raised, wondering if she was making the biggest mistake of her life. All her self-preservation instincts, built up from a lifetime of looking over her shoulder, told her it would be better for all parties if she just walked away. But a small voice in the back of her head disagreed. There is someone who needs you, it said. Someone who you are not too late to save. That voice had gotten her into this situation, and it was determined to see it through.

She knocked once, the sound echoing in the otherwise silent hallway. When Hotch opened the door, he looked as if he rather expected to see someone else. It was late, but Reid and Morgan were still off flirting with women at a club somewhere. Or, probably more likely, Morgan was flirting while Reid sat alone at the bar. Emily found she could never begrudge either of them the comfort of a post-case routine, no matter how strange.

Hotch was wearing his pajamas, which consisted of plain grey sweatpants and a well-worn GW Law shirt. His outfit had the unsettling effect of reminding Emily that she and him were, in fact, almost the same age. He often seemed much more world-weary than his thirty-some years suggested, although she supposed it was her who had actually seen more of the world. He was holding a book in one hand and seemed poised to lecture Reid for forgetting his keycard again. Upon seeing Emily, the expression on his face slid from irritation into confusion.

“Prentiss?” he asked. The “what do you want?” went unsaid.

“Sir, if you don’t mind, I’d like to talk to you about something.” Hotch opened the door wider and motioned her inside. He sat down on one of the beds while Emily leaned uncomfortably on the desk and surveyed the room. What she assumed was Hotch’s side of the room was nothing short of meticulous, although Spencer, to his credit, had managed to keep his chaos contained to a two by four area at the foot of his bed.

Acutely aware of the importance of her next few sentences, she began. “Carrie Ortiz, the girl from the case, has an aunt and uncle in Phoenix, but they’re not able to care for her. She doesn’t have anyone else and especially after seeing what the foster system can do to kids, I don’t know if…” No, this wasn’t the way to do it. She was dancing around her point and both she and Hotch knew it. Time to regroup. 

“Carrie came to me and asked if I would be willing to take her in for the time being.” Emily’s knee-jerk reaction had been no, but remembering what JJ told her earlier had given her pause. She had never been one of those children who dream of becoming a parent, not until it was no longer a dream. In the ensuing fallout, she became even more convinced that parenting was not for her. But Carrie wasn’t a helpless child. She was a young woman who had experienced a traumatic event and was voluntarily asking Emily to become her guardian. And so Emily found herself unable to say no.

“What did you tell her?”

“I told her that I would have to think about it but that I didn’t have the power to make that decision myself.” It was the truth. Emily knew that Hotch didn’t tolerate lying, especially not to victims. To give false hope to someone whose family had just been ripped away would be unspeakably cruel.

“Prentiss, with all due respect, I’m not sure why we’re having this conversation. I know you don’t need to be reminded of the dangers of our job, but I firmly believe that you will make the right decision.” Truthfully, it had taken Emily several hours to fully process Carrie’s request and several more before she could think rationally enough to decide. But she had made up her mind. If only that made it a reality.

Emily took a deep breath. For all the courage it had taken to get this far, the hardest part had yet to come. “I talked to Carrie’s social worker and she said that in the absence of family, they usually try to place in-area, but that given Carrie’s explicit request, she might be able to make an exception. However…” She trailed off. Maybe this was a mistake. It wasn’t too late to back out.

“However?” Hotch prompted. His tone was steady, and Emily forced herself to make eye contact. His face had smoothed itself into a neutral expression, which Emily took as a positive sign as she gathered her resolve.

“They don’t place children with single parents. No exceptions.” And definitely not gay couples, she mentally amended.

“I see,” he said. His face wrinkled in a way that told Emily he hadn’t quite figured out where she was going. “That’s a pity. Although, that still doesn’t solve the mystery of why you’re in my hotel room. I may be your boss, but even I don’t have sway over the foster care system of Denver.”

“Well… I sort of told Carrie’s caseworker that I would have to consult my husband.” She had run out of the room immediately after, wondering what on earth had just possessed her. She was a lesbian, for God's sake! There was no husband in her future. What scared her even more was realizing that she didn’t regret it. She wanted this for Carrie (and for herself, if she was being honest) and she was willing to do whatever it took, even if it meant hatching a hare-brained scheme like the one she currently found herself ensnared in.

Hotch raised his eyebrows at her. She suspected the pieces were starting to come together for him. “And you’re here to ask me to marry you?” 

He was chuckling now, almost in disbelief. Although she half-expected to become defensive, Emily instead found herself wanting to crack a grin at the pure absurdity of the situation.

“Well, given my lack of a personal life, it was one of our coworkers or a random man on the street.” The last time she had been on a date was months ago. Liv had been nice, but Emily could tell she wanted more than a casual relationship. So that particular alley was a bust, notwithstanding the fact that her gender preference would disqualify any actual partner.

“Why me?” Hotch asked, bringing her out of her thoughts. His tone turned serious again. “I don’t exactly have the best track record with parenthood.” 

His gaze was fixed at a blank spot on the wall above her head, and Emily imagined he was mentally scrolling through his worst hits as a constantly-working husband and father.

“Hotch, you’re the only man on this team with any parenting expertise.” Upon giving the decision some thought, Emily had realized that not only was Hotch the best choice, he was the only choice. She voiced her thought process to reassure him. “Morgan is the perpetual bachelor, Reid would eat cereal for every meal if we let him, and Rossi is old enough to be my father.”

“While I’m certainly flattered to have been picked by process of elimination, that doesn’t make this a good idea.” He was right. In fact, it was a bad idea for more reasons than Emily could count, chiefly that she and Hotch had only recently reached any sort of lasting truce; any person who wasn’t convinced of the validity of their relationship could turn them in and ruin the whole scheme.

“Sir, I recognize the ridiculousness of the situation, and if you say no I will never mention this conversation again, but I really believe that we have the chance to make someone’s life better. Our job is about always making wrong things right, giving people peace, but never more than that. Never making a good thing on its own.” Hotch looked as surprised as Emily felt at her impassioned speech. At some point, she had begun gesticulating, movements becoming more frantic as the volume of her voice rose. 

“We’ve seen how the foster system changes kids,” she continued, suddenly feeling bold. “I don’t need Reid to quote statistics to know it’s usually not for the better. Carrie has so much potential and I don’t want to think her hopes were dashed because of a choice I made.” I see myself in her, Emily didn’t say. Young and hopeful and ready to take on the world.

They sat in silence as Hotch mulled her words over. Emily felt confident that no matter his decision, she had given it her all. It felt unnerving to have to place a decision this important in the hands of a man she had betrayed, but Emily knew he would put aside any feelings, positive or negative, that he might have for her. It was one of the things she admired most about Hotch; if he respected you, he valued your contributions, whether you were certified genius Spencer Reid or a local law enforcement officer assisting the team. With that conviction in mind, Emily did her best to steel herself for his decision as Hotch began to speak. 

“Let’s pretend I said yes. What are we going to tell the team, not to mention Jack and my… Haley?” Emily pretended to ignore the way he choked on Haley’s name. It was the least she owed him. Still, she felt hope bubbling in her chest at the realization that he was actually considering it.

“I think we should tell the team as little as possible. I don’t doubt that they’ll figure out something is different, but we both know Reid and Garcia can’t lie to save their lives. It’ll be better to keep them in the dark for as long as possible.” Hotch nodded and Emily felt some of the tension leave her body. “As for Jack and Haley, you know them best, so I’ll defer to you.”

“We’ll have to convince them we’re really in a relationship,” he responded without pause. “Haley and I currently have equal custody, and I won’t do anything to jeopardize that.”

“Deal.” She briefly fought the ridiculous urge to offer him a handshake. “Although I am warning you that I’m not sure how long this arrangement will have to last.”

“Well, as you pointed out, I’m not exactly a youthful bachelor.” True to his words, Emily’s brain faltered when asked to conjure up an image of Hotch as a twenty-something playboy. He was, she thought, possibly the most monogamous man she had ever met. If he was as serious in his acquiescence to her plan as he was in every other endeavor, they would be an excellent team.

“You’re really sure?” She had hoped for this, of course, but now it hardly seemed real. 

Hotch’s voice was warm. “Emily, speaking as a parent, every child deserves someone who is as passionate about them as you clearly are about Carrie. If I have the chance to make someone's life better and it doesn’t harm me or my family or the team in any way, then I don’t see how I could say no.”

“Thank you, sir. You don’t know how much this means to me.” Emily rarely cried, preferring to keep her rare bouts of melancholia and euphoria within the confines of her apartment, but she could feel herself tearing up, though she tried her best to conceal it. “We should be able to sign the necessary paperwork in the morning.”

“Of course,” he said. Emily stood and turned to leave the room, pausing in the door frame as she heard his voice again, colored by the return of his smile. “And Prentiss, if we’re going to pull this off, you probably shouldn’t call me sir.

[justinmoviereviews]

The Class of 2019

As always, just trying to catalog what I saw this year. Let’s do this shit.

1917 - Sam Mendes

I’ve never seen a war movie like this. I’ve never seen something that was so empty, so decayed and lifeless. Usually these things are about honor or brotherhood or whatever. This one was a horror movie. Gothic. Disturbing. And credit Dunkirk for helping everyone else realize that war movies should be told in the present tense.

Uncut Gems - Bennie and Josh Safdie

Good Time was better because it’s rawness was more painful. Because it’s kineticism was more sociological. Because it physically hurt to watch it. And because Robert Pattinson is a better actor than Adam Sandler (my sincere apologies). But these guys have figured out to a science how to film desperation and visceral consumption and need; they chronicle the ugliest parts of the mind and shoot them in the ugliest parts of New York. 

Little Women - Greta Gerwig

Oh no, I’ve lost interest in writing these. Greta Gerwig is sharper than the average writer, and is going to get a lot of mileage writing interesting female characters, which will keep me occupied way longer than, for instance, JJ Abrams writing Strong Female characters so he gets to keep his third house. But look for this refrain whenever I see good movies that aren’t really made for me, my favorite character here was Timothee Chalamet, popping up sporadically to mack (suavely!) on all three sisters.

Bombshell - Jay Roach

Structurally it’s a little bit of a mess, but Megyn Kelly playing detective to an internal corporate scandal works surprisingly well.

The Two Popes - Fernando Meirelles

Some nitpicks: this movie engages with the child abuse a little bit, but it doesn’t offer any resolution--how could it? The scandal is ongoing, and has mired the legacy of Francis, the good Pope, just like it mired his predecessor’s, the bad one. And some of the dialogue is a little trite; was Benedict this much of a close-minded conservative? Was he really this bad at selling his own vision of the church? I also wonder if movies seem smaller now that we’re watching them all on our TVs. But mostly I thought this was fantastic. I love movies about ideas centered around conversation, and this one does it with so much humanism. The Pope as a role is one of the most complex, elite and fascinating people on the planet. This movie comes so much closer to showing that than I thought it would.

Marriage Story - Noah Baumbach

A cursory search of images from this movie for this post makes me realize how well it’s shot--maybe this really was meant to be his Scenes From a Marriage. It isn’t--he’s not a good enough director to ever be Bergman, he’s too burdened by the things he likes and thinks about, like hipster references and witty repartee--but this is the best movie of his I’ve ever seen. Funny, sharp, and if it isn’t a universal depiction of the disillusion of love, it’s empathetic and compassionate about two characters he likes and cares about. Adam Driver is the best actor working right now. Scarlett Johansson can’t quite keep up, but who could?

Ford v Ferrari - James Mangold

Fast cars and the manly men who build them. This could have been better--the writing is a little too beholden to a generic structure that’s beneath the A+ power of Matt Damon and Christian Bale, who are, straight up, two of our finest actors. Ideally this flick just lets these two dudes dick around for 150 minutes. But fuck man, this shit rocks.

The irishman - Martin Scorsese

This is the calm gangster movie made by a bunch of men who haven’t had to hustle in 30 years. Scorsese is a smart guy, so he probably knows that a de-aged Robert De Niro isn’t going to be as resonant as some young hotshot trying like hell to make a name for himself. It makes the movie weirdly low-stakes, and it only truly comes alive at the end, when De Niro is looking back on his life and facing his regrets, like a man in his 80s ought to be. But look, Scorsese is one of the best to ever do it, and gangster movies are where he lives. If this is mostly a retrospective on four of the best careers to ever track through Hollywood, and I sort of think it is, it’s still got ten scenes that will stand up against any of our man’s best.

The Laundromat - Steven Soderbergh

Steven Soderbergh does The Big Short. Turns out he’s also pretty good at it.

The Lighthouse - Robert Eggers

Robert Eggers is a formalist who understands that movies can be about whatever they want as long as they look good and sound good. This is a movie about, I think, madness. Just madness, just the idea of being isolated and going mad. If you’re wondering, like I was, if that’s enough of a theme to hang a whole movie on (I mean, these things are expensive), well, I think the point of this one is that it’s weird as fuck, it looks real good and it sounds real good. 

Parasite - Bong Joon Ho

This movie is at it’s best when it’s at it’s weirdest. I like Bong most when he’s using a heightened absurdity to point out the ways in which our political systems are unforgivable. 

Motherless Brooklyn - Edward Norton

I know it was in the book, but the Tourette’s syndrome of the main character seems to me like a postmodern tic, like making a straight noir in 2019 wasn’t enough for a studio that assumed audiences would need some kind of a 21st Century bent. I don’t think it adds much to the story, so I want it out there that this is just such a good fucking straight noir. I would personally finance it if they made like three of these a year. 

High Flying Bird - Steven Soderbergh

Soderbergh is gonna need to get over his love affair with the iPhone camera--someone needs to remind him that movies can look a lot better than this--but this is the kind of movie that could have been and maybe started as a play. Things happen off camera and all you see is characters talking about them after the fact. But the writing is phenomenal. Snappy and smart. Maybe my favorite script of the year.

Joker - Todd Phillips

Upon further review, I think this movie never should have been made, but I do like it. I’m not a purist, frankly I think comic book movies are for nerds, but what makes the Joker powerful is that he doesn’t have a backstory. This movie isn’t good enough to justify giving him one, but it’s so ambiguous and strange that it doesn’t ruin anything either. I spent a lot of time wondering if the events of the movie actually happened, or if they were all in the protagonist’s head. I guess the answer is that it doesn’t really matter: if it all did happen it would destroy the throughline of the Nolan movies, and if it all didn’t it would make the movie kind of lame. Ultimately it’s a story about a discarded man who learns that evil gives him a control he never had before. That’s a heavy topic to make a movie about, and a better movie would have been heavier. But  it’s still an interesting watch, and Joaquin Phoenix goes to the places the movie itself won’t.

Ad Astra - James Gray

I have nothing against pretentious movies. Some of my best friends are pretentious movies! But if you’re going to be as solemn and portentous as this one is, I think your thesis needs to be a little more insightful than that love is important. This movie looks fantastic. It’s got killer monkeys in it, and an Apocalypse Now meets 2001 pedigree. It should have been a lot better.

It Chapter Two - Andy Muschietti

Ugh, this one was not good. The writing is pretty bad, storylines open up and fizzle out without going anywhere, the structure is simple to the point of being lazy. The first one was so good, and this is just a crappy cash-in. Oh well. 

Once Upon a Time...in Hollywood - Quentin Tarantino

Look, Tarantino is probably my favorite director. Pulp Fiction is the movie that first taught me to love movies, and he’s never in his life made an artistic choice that I didn’t intuitively understand. I don’t think anyone else has justified their otherworldly self-confidence more than he has. If other directors are more artistically or technically accomplished, I’d struggle to find anyone who better put the thoughts and images in their brain onto celluloid better than him. If this had been made by some new hotshot named Chris Anderson or something, I’m buying a poster of it and telling everyone who will listen about the breakout auteur of the decade. But for the first time in my entire life, I wondered what Tarantino’s point was. Why did he make this movie? The highlight, for me, is Leonardo DiCaprio, who since Django Unchained has apparently realized that he’s at his best when he’s hamming it up and having a blast.

Midsommar - Ari Aster

Two movies in, Ari Aster has mastered tone. My man is in control of his movie from frame one, and the result is that his stuff feels smart. This one wasn’t as wild or unexpected as Hereditary--in fact the most surprising thing about it is that it really isn’t surprising at all; it’s about a sinister cult in northern Sweden, and it hits all the beats that tagline would suggest. But that’s not the same as saying it’s predictable--he still has a gift for ultraviolence, and he hovers in a space that forces you to prepare yourself for anything. My only complaint is that I wish it had been more of a mindfuck. It’s ultimately a simpler movie than you might hope for. But this guy isn’t going anywhere. He’ll be on the prestige list for as long as he wants.

The Perfection - Richard Shepard

If Allison Williams is going to make a career out of deconstructing overachieving white girls, I don’t want it to get lost that she is also insanely hot. Like, just so hot. Anyway, this is one hell of a grindhouse flick, all the way down to being a little less pleasant than you’d expect or even really want. Watch it on a Saturday afternoon and feel a little queasy afterwards.

Avengers: Endgame - Anthony and Joe Russo 

Look, I don’t know what to say to you if you take these movies seriously. You probably wouldn’t like my blog anyway. I thought this was a really good ride. If you have problems with the plot holes or the character inconsistencies, I might recommend catching something other than the final installments of global franchises that are obligated to gross two billion dollars.

Us - Jordan Peele

If Jordan Peele were a quarterback he’d be Deshaun Watson--a top level talent who’s going to be relevant for at least the next ten years. Get Out was a statement, a cheap little movie from one half of a decent sketch comedy show that blew the doors off the tavern and walked in so much smarter and better than anyone was prepared for. But right now, sitting on my couch, Us is the movie I want to watch. It was never going to be as surprising as Get Out because this time out our expectations were so much higher. But this is the kind of movie I ultimately want him to make his fortune with--funny, scary, worth talking about afterwards. A horror movie from a guy with interesting ideas who’s been given the keys to do whatever he wants.

Glass - M. Night Shyamalan

I caught this bad boy in January. At the time I figured there was no way I’d remember anything about it by the end of the year. I don’t. 

[pinksweatergettingbetter]

warning, the following has mainly snarky (and possibly furious) opinions on Spirit of Justice. Reader discretion is advised.

alright... here we go. we’re starting the big one. this... thing is almost over.

we’re going back to........ kooraheen to finish this.

time to strap in for the long haul.

-

did Dhurke hijack the PP show or was he just watching it and he decided to make that speech at his TV

i honestly can’t tell because of the weird way the scene was set. it looks like a reflection from a TV screen, but it also fades like a broadcast being intercepted...

fuck I'm just distracted by Dhurke’s stupid voice. and uncomfortable at the actress playing Rayfa. imagine being the princess and having your favourite show turn you into a weird damsel in distress being manhandled by ninjas. gross.

also yay! they’ve got the indiana jones orb!! time to melt off some faces...

-

ok it was a hijacked show... ...why is there a news report on this in America? Are American troupes assisting in the Kooraheenese war?

-

“Daaaa-aaaad. What’re you up to thiiiiis time???”

i love how not-giving-a-shit-about-it apollo is here. and by love it i mean hate it.

oh, your long-lost adoptive father just happens to pop up on television starting a revolution, and this is the first time you’ve heard from him in like 20 years? huh, no big deal.

-

AND ACE ATTORNEY TURNS INTO THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW

-

oh noooo... he’s one of THESE guys... ururughhhhghghgh

-

“Wait... don’t tell me you haven’t told anyone about me, son?”

“I’m sorry, dad, it’s just you didn’t exist up until now...”

-

“you just show up here without warning after all this time... what gives?”

apollo’s got a point there, pa. also Dhurke’s theme reminds me of Coach Oleander’s from Psychonauts

-

Apollo just instinctively knows that nobody wants to be around him unless they’re getting labour out of him. That’s... honestly really depressing. I mean I know it’s supposed to be a joke but I just can’t bring myself to laugh.

its just... apollo is legitimately so bitter and sad that i just feel awful for him. 

-

yeesh... this whole thing just started off super sour.

-

wait, the piano has sentimental value to phoenix? they mentioned he never practiced on it and he didn’t like being a piano player... does that mean this piano is something phoenix just happened to own, and has its own backstory? I WANNA KNOW

(snerk)

ok thats mean but it did make me laugh

-

the JACKET IS APOLLO’S

IT IS APOLLO’S

HOLY SHIT

the rest of this case can be total shit but at least we figured out the mystery of the discarded red jacket. 

-

“our houseplant was called apollo”

“was it a cactus?”

“How’d you guess?”

“cause apollo doesn’t get enough hugs, either!”

-

apollos dad is so cool he reads his son’s personal shit out loud. what a great guy!

-

“That’s too bad! You seem like you’d be a fun, cool guy to hang out with!”

when he wasn’t being a rebel and not having time for his kids, obviously.

-

THERE IT IS! 

siblings dont know theyre siblings joke is funny both normally and ironically because the writers need to FUCKIN GET ON THAT

also i love that he’s basically like “hey son, this girl doesn't resent me! you should marry her so that i can continue to get favours out of you!”

-

“What did Mr. Dhurke mean when he said he was the man who raised you, apollo?” i dunno, trucy... think with your mind brains...

-

“How come you never told me?!”

“Sorry, it’s just, capcom hadn’t butchered my backstory at that point yet.”

-

I honestly find it really weird that Trucy’s all chirpy about this. She of all people should know the sting of a dad just up and disappearing on you.

-

Dhurke: I have to steal this orb. I’m asking you two because youre lawyers.

Kay Faraday, sitting in the Capcom warehouse: (sneezes)

-

Dhurke: I made a stupid gamble. Hope you can bail me out, son I haven’t seen in 20 years!

-

nooo.... don’t bring Kurain Village into this, pleeeeaaase... I don’t want to have my favourite village ruined for meeeeee....

-

:3c i chose nope

-

i wonder what Trucy would do if Zak waltzed in and immediately asked her for a favour. tbf phoenix would probably launch him into the sun before he could set foot into the office but...

-

Ok... So Dhurke doesn’t actually want to fix the legal system; he just said that he wants to gain immense spiritual power which will somehow give him the legal authority to RULE Kooraheen. 

how does spiritual power have any effect on land deeds anyway? 

-

“Only the rulers of Kooraheen have ever laid eyes on the orb, Apollo”

and Ahlbi’s seen the box.

-

“I figured you were poor as fuck so I brought you a plate of sushi!”

ok either A) He thought so little of Apollo that he assumed he’d just be starving on the street

or B) He’s been keeping tabs on Apollo and knows that the WAA doesn’t make a lot of cash, yet he hasn’t made any attempt to contact Apollo himself. Until he needs a favour.

what a.... great guy.

-

what the FUCK

“here, as my second present... a PICTURE OF YOUR REAL DAD, THE ONE WHO CARED ABOUT YOU AND IS DEAD. HOORAY!”

i can tell theyre trying to do the ‘Hagrid gives Harry a photo album of his family for comfort” but its REALLY NOT THE SAME CIRCUMSTANCES.

-

His name was... JJ.

-

~as you know~

also why would a musician perform with magicians? 

-

y’know, ive seen pictures of Jove Justice so far. and A) he looks like a tool, and B) the designers were lazy as fuck and just slapped Apollo’s hair onto Phoenix’s face. I had a pretty negative opinion of him initially. I was thinking I wouldn’t like any of Apollo’s new dads.

But you know what? If they go deeper into Jove’s backstory and prove that he was a caring father, I’m ready to completely drop any criticisms of him and carry this guy on my shoulders

cause compared to Dhurke ill bet he's a freakin angel 

-

...welp... back to Kurain village. At least it’ll remind me of bygone days...

...heh, aw. it’s cute. i like the sparrows on the roof.

ooh! an updated theme, too! not quite as nice as the original but it is nice.

-

he was full of piss and vinegar

jesus

-

yeah, kids run around naked. its not super surprising.

-

“man, I miss that hut...”

apollo youre gonna make me cry;;

-

Ema: :) i’ll show you the way to Dr. Buff. SURPRISE, HES DEAD! AHAHAHAHHAHA

-

NOOO

MY SYSTEM FUCKED UP AND STARTED ME OVER FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE CHAPTER AAARGRRJHRFJ

id gone on a short break and i come back to this (weep)

-

...

does Dhurke have boobs..?

...or just extremely prominent pecs...

-

phew ok back on track. 

wait hold on. if Dr. Buff is in Kurain village, where is he staying exactly? All the houses in Kurain village are old-style Japanese; this appears to be a modern day number.

-

“please tell me youre joking”

“as if i’d come out here for a few laughs, Apollo”

yeah but youre not above leading him to the dr’s study and THEN telling him he’s dead WTF

-

ahah. further proof that stepladders are superior.

i mean i know he didnt actually fall off that ladder by accident or whatever but still

-

“you could say he died an honourable death...”

...crushed under his nerd books like a fuckin cartoon :T

-

YEAH

POPS

POHLFUCKYA

-

“I’m so sorry... It seems you’ve had quite a life.”

Why else would she say that except that some poor dialogue translator is secretly begging the series to stop fucking up his backstory

-

“I mean, middle-aged man with long hair and an eye-patch? You don’t see that everyday.”

just give Valant an eyepatch

-

hang on. why does an archeologist in America have Kooraheen’s founding orb anyway? I thought it burnt peoples’ faces off. And was super precious. Queen Garananana doesn't seem like someone who’d just hand out a precious ball like that.

-

oh huh they found an ugly dalek. thats two dalek references in this game now...

-

did i just... have a ladder conversation about a relic that looks like an airplane.

-

why does everyone keep making blithe jokes about the doctors horrible death..? does that usually happen or am i misremembering 

-

WHAT THE STATUE OF AMI AND THE URN AND THE GRAVY SCROLL ARE THERE NOOOOOO YOU GET YOUR SLIMY HANDS OFF THEM SOJ, PUT THEM BACK IN T&T WHERE THEY BELONG

god there’s even a coffee shelf. i guess this side of the room is the “Relics of a better game” section.

-

polly the clean freak. what a sweetheart :)

-

aw yeah baby

its printing time

-

oh yeah i forgot this version of printing SUCKS

but i do like the little pap sound it makes when you put down powder

-

...they have Datz and Dhurkes prints on file.

You guys sure rock at being undercover. 

-

ill give them credit for having the Dance of Devotion not rhyme in English.

seeing lyrics again just gives me flashbacks to Serenade tho

Guitar, Guitar... Up together to the sky...

-

MAY-OR DE-WEY

MAY-OR DE-We

wait that has the same number of syllables if you just say the pun

 PAUL-A TI-SHON

PAUL-A TI-SHON

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...why the fuck is he in a palanquin 

anybody in a palanquin is bad news ALSO WHY DOES IT SAY RECLAIM THE GLORY OF KURAIN 

KURAIN DOES NOT HAVE POLTIICIANS. ESPECIALLY NOT MALE ONES.

SOJ. SOJ WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY.

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oh yeah he’s a bad guy

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...king of this fine nation. First of all... America doesn’t have kings. Second of all, Kurain isn’t a country, it’s a small village. Either he’s a moron or SOJ is fucking up at unprecedented speeds 

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...did his theme song just ‘wheeee’

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“Jerk Q. Public”

pffft

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i wish you were golden boy. then you'd be morally questionable but entertaining. 

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I'm very uncomfortable 

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k so we’re back in Kurain and so far we’ve seen Zero women in total apart from Ema.

even the unnamed heckler was an old man.

is this the same Kurain Village I know?

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wh- talk??

what do you mean talk???

i dont wanna talk to this guy he's a dickcheese!!!

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Trucy’s 17 and she hasn’t studied politics at least a little yet? ...weird

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“Its real name is the Crystal of Ami Fey”

wait what

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“It’s been passed down for generations in the Atishon family”

WAIT WHAT

is he dicking around or is he distantly related to maya

or is he just totally dicking around

if so how dare he use Ami’s name in vain.

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where is Datz from anyway

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paul i dont mean to dash your hopes but becoming grand high emperor of kurain village will in fact not make you king of the world

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datz sure is a good rebel... getting caught... and put in jail...........

damnit, Vore Machine, what am i gonna do with you?

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well Apollo, from demon to deer. thats not bad.

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dog-faced cop..??

if youre very sneakily referencing our old pal Gumshoe youve got another thing coming, Vore Machine. In the form of my fist.

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“A shut-in? Sounds like it will be a challenge just to get a conversation going.”

yeah.... not like youve.... ever dealt with someone like that....... before....... hehe.... heh..............

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how long has Datz been in jail if he already knows the cafeteria itinerary 

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um guys; maybe you should be a tiny bit more concerned about Athena??

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i just realized the Shichishito is gold. It’s green, you idiots. Or is that one too bent and bloody for display??

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thats it folks thats spirit of justice 

apollo has become a living title drop

hes fuckin dead

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what kind of bullets were those

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yeah apollo, a fledgeling is equivalent to a private.

...also youre not a fledgeling youre near full experience capacity. this is your third... (and last...) year.

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so Dhurke is in full stealth mode until it comes to a remotely operated drone that could have literally anybody on the other side? brilliant, pal. 

this is why your revolution’s taken like 23 years to get off the ground, jsyk.

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...k komandir?

i thought you were supposed to be a parody of The Soldier. what are you doing calling people by Russian military names? did the red scare not happen in this reality?

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pfft 

it’s so cute. 

im struggling between finding it adorable and being uncomfortable 

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“in other words, something caused him to withdraw from the world...”

maybe his mom’s death??? maybe?????

does anyone in this game understand how a bad thing make a peoples’ brain go???

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pretty impressive that a woman’s body could provide sufficient cushioning to soften such a drop.

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lol. death attributed to random maniac. thanks soj.

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“Private Justice! You’ve suffered a loss just like mine!”

“I have... and thats how I know how you feel.”

yes, i can remember exactly happened when i was a one-year old in diapers. exactly the same kind of pain and trauma.

look i know theyre trying to have a moment but there’s a huge difference between growing up orphaned and being recently bereaved. Sure, Apollo’s seen his fair share of hardship and his experiences aren’t to be devalued, but it’s not the same kind of pain as having your parents die later in your life, especially with the mom’s horrific demise.

Honestly, it’d make more sense if he brought up Clay, since Clay was with him since he was very small and his death was sudden and deeply unfair.

BUT CLAY’S IN THE PAST, CLAY DOESN’T EXIST, WHO’S CLAY?? I DONT KNOW BACK TO SPIRIT OF JUSTICE

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YEAH

POHLFUCKYA DURKE

dhurke the burk  amiright attorneys 

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“the opaque crystal orb is the key”

>needless adjective

>will come into play later in court

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um so nobody’s gonna mention the blonde lady on his desktop background or........

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i like sarge. i hope they dont turn sour when theyre revealed.

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nice boot

ooh phosphorescence! neato!

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pearl: hello I'm here to do something ive never done before to provide clues for this case. i hope i’ve been useful! thank you, and goodnight.

...as contrived as this is, i am glad to see someone who actually comes from kurain village.

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wow, the gangs all here huh

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so they renamed Eagle Mountain “”””mt. mitama”””” eh

nice...............

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“you are at that age, after all...”

says apollo who's like 24

also why is she talking about all the women leaving the village? i thought it was the men. is this why i haven't seen any ladies? they all just shipped off downtown?? and of course there’s no mention of the creepy oppressive atmosphere and strictness of the village...

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nice alliteration apollo

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rain spirit at a bus stop and you hacks didnt make a Totoro joke?? lame

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“Dj’you bring a light?”

“Ņ̮͔̜̬͖̝ͫͦ̄̒̀̾̆̓̀ͤͨ͋̓̈̑̂͗́ͤo̸̵͈͎̤͇̤̙̯͔̙͖̞̳̙̠̹̞̲̭ͣ́ͫ͌ͦ̒́͞ͅ?ͯͩͨ̾̅̈ͮ̉̀̌͛̆͑̚҉̧͓̠͎̠͎̀̀”

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how can you not recognize a foreign voice you idiot

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“He tried to fucking kill us but he also gave us this flashlight. To um... see our slow death by starvation better I guess?”

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“We couldn’t get back to where we started if we wanted to”

if you wanted to??? thats exactly what you want!!!

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Klavier: Hello! This is flashback Klavier here to say: Don’t you miss me? Haha. I miss existing too. Oh well! See you next time~ ...i if there is one.

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DEAD

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aw, lucky you! you lucked into falling to your death directly to where you wanted to go!

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“Yes! Time to find that orb! When we have it, we can....rot here for eternity.”

...ok i know the doc found a way out but still

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wHAT THE FUCK

THAT HOLE IS LIKE 40 FEET UP

...oh well, if phoenix can survive it, so can they..?

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i love that there are various sea-related items scattered around that give an obvious way out but only yield “durr??? a sea thing??? how this get here??????????” when inspected 

-

whats with dhurkes’ magic eyes

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mmmmmmmm a slide puzzle great

“maybe the ppictures correspond to the song”

NO

REALLY??

what is with this game and not outright stating the obvious? its not like it spoils the player or anything; it just makes the WAA look like idiots

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fuck this I'm gonna finish this stupid puzzle without this game’s help or die trying 

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...ah. my personal need for pattern and order blinded me to the truth

oh well; it’s open now. i’m gonna smash Eshiro’s stupid smirking face with it.

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“opening that box means you're the best lawyer ever! enjoy leaving the series forever!!!”

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“A royal stole that orb”

stole it... as opposed to just taking it and doing whatever they want with it because it’s theirs and there’s absolutely no reason to have to “steal” it. 

unless they wanted to frame the rebels i guess but like. theyre rebels. theyre already pretty hated

-

“it would be seen as utter sacrilege to let a foreign man study this artifact”

oh also it would debunk that whole “explodes your face if you look at it” thing

-

...here we go...

-

“he used to be a nice kid, but now...”

he’s an enourmous shitstain?

“he tried to convict trucy for a crime she didnt even commit...”

ok, apollo. there are a zillion valid reasons to hate sadmad, and yes, his reasoning in that trial was shit. but just being a prosecutor and doing what a prosecutor is meant to do doesn’t make him evil. he isn’t about to just roll over because the defendant’s your sis–– er, best friend.

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he... could be playing the long game, and interfering could fuck up his plan, Dhurke. Also how was he a rebel and then somehow managed to get into good graces with the royals? It’s already been proven that Dhurke’s Dummy Dragon Gang suck at being stealthy or having any sense of self-preservation. I doubt they just wouldn’t recognize Sadmad

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“it’s not conviction that fills his heart; it’s resignation and despair”

are you telling me Sadmad is the equivalent of a guy in a dead end office job taking it out on his coworkers

-

“The only thing I know for sure is... Nahyuta is suffering, and he is suffering in silence”

edgeworth: been there, done that!

blackquill: BEEN THERE, DONE THAT

-

ya sure put a lot of stock in Sadmad, Dhurke. i mean i guess he’s your son but seriously; if you're a proper rebel you’d cut your losses and get on with shit already with or without him

-

...y’know, this speech about lawyers being like dragons kind of doesn’t have the same emotion impact and gravitas that the non-dragon one in T&T did.

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oh how... charming...

*America’s* badge is shaped like a sunflower... and Kooraheen’s is shaped like a buggy eye.

-

YARGH

dont DO that

your voice is BAD

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“he’s my son! therefor he has to believe in the same thing as me! nothing, not even torture could have changed him!”

cue Gredgeworth’s awkward cough from the afterlife.

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“You know, I remember when Nahyuta and I were kids, he used to say with great pride ‘I have the blood of a dragon in me!’”

cue tiny apollo feeling left out and alone because he doesn’t know what kind of blood is in him 

-

>reform court system

>rescue son

well... i guess there could be worse reasons to start a revolution.

-

“I mean, what are fathers for?!”

( ‘I... I wouldn’t know...’) 

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT, GAME

ARE YOU TRYING TO BREAK MY HEART

YOU CAN’T GIVE APOLLO ALL THESE EMOTIONS WHEN YOU’RE ALSO SHAFTING HIS ASS AT THE SAME TIME

SHAME ON YOU

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HE HAS A BROKEN ARM

HOWS HE GONNA SWIM

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oh its high tide yay

oh it’s... really high tide

wow.

-

well this is fun. i daresay id really like this sequence... if it wasn’t in this game.

-

“oh no... the water might carry me up to the way out of here... how awful.”

lol can you imagine if this was timed tho

-

oh hey it’s the DD panic panic song. i liked that one. it deserves its spot in the suspense music roster.

-

y’know at this point i kinda hope he really just dies

wouldn’t that be a kicker

not that i hate apollo or anything but I'm just............... so tired

-

apollo’s pretty calm for a drowning person

i’ve nearly suffocated before and the only thing going through my head was AIR AIR AIR GET AIR GET AIR GET AIR AIR AIR

-

baby apollo: waahhhh!!! we’re both perfectly dry!!! the artist didn’t bother to make us look wet in the flashback!

-

A) Little Apollo doesn’t even call Dhurke “Daddy” or “Papa” despite being raised by him since infant hood, possibly meaning Dhurke gave him the ‘You’re adopted” speech pretty early. Or else kids that “aren’t really my son” have to go by name basis. See? Nahyuta calls him father. 

B) Haha! Boys don’t cry, not-son! Suck those sissy tears back up into your skull, or you’ll look gay! It doesn’t matter that you’re like five and you almost drowned to death! Don’t embarrass me!

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“Don’t ever hesitate to call when you need me”

oh but apollo your ass gets shipped back to america tomorrow ok

-

no seriously. on one hand; why did apollo get sent away? why couldn’t he be a rebel alongside nahyuta and fight for his family? on the other hand, why didn’t dhurke send nahyuta with him? if apollo’s going away because it’s dangerous, why is nahyuta staying with dhurke in the path of danger?

to be honest I'm ashamed that I'm crying, but it’s less about this scene being sad as fuck and more about the fact that I know that none of this is ever really resolved. Dhurke is still a piece of shit who made no attempt to contact apollo for years until he needed a favour out of him. and Apollo has to live with this stupid backstory because ESHIRO thought it would be dramatic and cool. Apollo’s going to “go home”, leave the series... He doesn’t even know he’s leaving his last scrap of real family who gives a shit about him behind in America.

Apollo doesn’t deserve this. 

-

Dhurke, with superman theme playing in the background: Redeeming my character! By saving your life! Redeeming my character! By saving your life! Though only a heartless, shithead person, would leave you behind to die! So this isn’t great.

-

...is he holding him in his broken arm

wait is that arm even broken

has he just been holding it like it’s in a sling for no reason this whole time

-

“Still can’t swim, eh?”

oh fuck off 

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“Good thing your name’s not Neptune, hahahaha!”

A) OH FUCK OFF

B) NEPTUNE IS A SEA GOD, HE’D ACTUALLY BE RESISTANT TO WATER

-

WHOA FUCK HOLY SHIT

vore machine came out of nowhere and oh

also he is also laughing at a guy who almost drowned

well aren’t these two just the greatest men on earth huh

Trucy: :) lets make this drowning thing seem like no big deal by playing it off and not even asking if you're okay at all :))))

-

great... now he owes his life to him.... that completely cancels out every other piece of baggage.....

remember........ when edgeworth owed his life to phoenix......... remember how he was 100% okay after that and not fucked up at all................ remember how he just popped back into the series without any changes whatsoever apart from being phoenix’s friend again........................................

-

“GLAD TO SEE YOURE NOT CRYING SON; IM GLAD YOU GREW UP INTO THE EMOTIONALLY STUNTED MAN I ALWAYS WANTED, EVEN WITHOUT MY STELLAR PARENTAL GUIDANCE! THAT LONELY ORPHANAGE MUST HAVE TOUGHENED YOU UP GOOD! HAH-HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!”

-

y’know in the interim i was thinking 

Rebel Apollo would be great. he’d probably be an enormous goofus but at least he’d be happy and maybe Dhurke’s shitty plan would get off the ground because an actual smart person would be part of the team.

-

listen to that fuckin “we solved the case” music.

(sigh)

at least apollo is eating.

Turnabout Revolution... End

heh i wish

-

“Sure wish Nahyuta was here”

I don’t.

-

you fucking morons. you colossal fucking asshats. i knew this was coming

Dhurke: DURR LETS TALK ABOUT THIS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ITEM IN A PLACE WHERE WE KNOW THE GUY WHO WANTS THIS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ITEM IS! WHATS A STEALTH????

This is why the revolution has taken 20 FCKIN YEARS to take off. Because Dhurke and his band of nincompoops are all incompetent fuckwits.

-

huh i can see where Nahyuta gets his magic clap from.

also say it you loser say bitch

say bitch

say bitch

say bitch

-

A) If the “crystal” is a fake thing, his police report probably wouldn’t check out cause I'm P sure that people can’t just file police reports for anything without proof of previously owning it.

B) Dhurke. You’re a rebel. Shoot someone. Throw a smoke bomb. Gently jog away? Idk if that works in America but it sure as hell works in Kooraheen.

-

no. don’t do it. don’t you fucking do––

oh, i just saw a ghost.

The ghost of the potential any sequels past AJ had. It blinked at me sorrowfully before CAPCOM busted it and crammed it into the Containment Unit.

-

(sigh) Ok (most likely) fake shit aside, that would make Atishon related to Maya, and the “heirloom” would more probably be Maya’s. Why is this excuse present at all anyway it’s stupid.

-

Apollo it shouldn’t fuckin matter; it’s a court case. Just prove the orb isn’t the Crystal of Ami Fey and you win the case. You know that Phoenix doesn’t cheat and you’re pretty certain that the crystal really is the Founder’s Orb, so you shouldn’t be upset about anything. This isn’t a murder trial, it’s a dispute over ownership of an item. You know you’re in the right, so you ought to be able to win the trial. There’s literally no stakes apart from the fact that you’re facing your boss... but so what? That can happen... I assume, I’m not versed in that sort of thing. But either way, lawyers sometimes have to face off against each other... it happens. You had to face Nahyuta. Now you face Phoenix. Unless you think Phoenix will cheat, or that you don’t have sufficient info on the orb, then there’s legitimately no fucking problem. I mean yeah, sucks to go to court, but who gives a fuck? Win the trial and skip back to Kooraheen to overthrow the oppressive regime.

-

I don’t 

what is the fucking problem

one of you gets payed, you both work at the same place

it doesn’t matter

-

APOLLO. You KNOW his methods. You know that he wins because his clients are innocent, and would graciously hand over victory if it was clear you were in the right; YOU HAVE TO KNOW THIS. YOU’RE HIS BIGGEST FAN, REMEMBER??

Unless you think he’d fucking cheat for a skeezy politician for money in which case, nice. Gotta love that trust and belief that DD was building up there.

“Can I do it? Can I fight him?” YES ITS NOT EVEN A MURDER TRIAL

-

“May the best attorney win” 

well so much for finding the truth or whatever. Also Phoenix should be proud that Apollo is willing to go up against him; it shows he’s coming into his own. There’s literally no reason for them to be on shit terms right now.

-

“A fine mess I’ve gotten you into, son.”

Hey shithead that wasn’t an apology. Also yeah, go on and on about how good a lawyer Phoenix is just to scare Apollo. Brilliant.

-

“The first step of your revolution, huh?”

The first step. 20 years and he’s only just taking the first step. Not the first step to the end of the revolution; the first step to the revolution itself.

-

Welp, we’re off to fight over the possession of an oversized marble in court. Seeya next time i guess...