#and then other parts just spiral over being a big fat meanie face anyway

[pullingheavendown]

I am just venting about nonsense that shouldn't get to me this much.

Bullshit my brain is dealing with this weeks includes Christmas, Christmas Bullshit, *checks notes* the anniversary of my stepdad's suicide, which everyone agrees, even his fans, that he pulled as a stunt this time of year so we'd have to associate his dead ass with Christmas anyway, work not sending an ROE yet so I have no money coming in, endless heart palpitations from so many months of so much stress that it just Does That now every time I get even a little anxious, someone having told the back end to "open the floodgates" a month ago and every day being some new neat little memory to try to address and a cluster of parts who feel some way about it, and my mom chooses this morning to try to sit down and talk to me about how we should work together to grow a business and I ought to be putting like 60 hours a week into making chainmail things for this to be successful.

I am typing this out because I had to eat the urge to grab her face and just start saying "no" until she absorbed it as a fucking fact rather than an opinion she can keep ignoring until I seem "chill enough" to "talk about it finally."

Like I swear to god. I swear to absolute fucking god. I am so at my limit that my brain just turned off mid-conversation until her husband was like, "...hey?" at me basically. I didn't even switch, we just went catatonic on the couch until I realized oh, fuck, someone has to take the reins and do something. (Which, yes, is a switch, but there's usually no... vacant lull in the middle. This is weird and feels bad!)

What about any of that seems like it'll be a good time to start riding me about work. LAST WEEK I had to do all of this anyway because she was trying to goad me into just "showing up to work" after medical leave -- in ten days! -- and "pretending to be fine" to "collect a paycheque" and oh my god I see exactly where our host got it from. I get it now. The endless cycle of stuffing it all inside until we were so burned out that we're just this defunct pile of nerves now. Direct from the maternal line apparently, because at no point does it ever sound like she actually registers what is happening with me/us for more than a day or two. She is understanding and promises us she gets it and doesn't mean to pressure us until she's bored or stressed herself and then here we go.

And I am trying to be understanding of that amnesia because she is under so much stress herself that she's clearly frazzled to hell, but jesus fucking christ, get out of my head and stop waiting until we "seem okay" (read: so dissociated we're just placid) to start trying to drive us to do what you want. That's absolutely fucking foul and given I just had to shit all this out about it, apparently a massive trigger. Like the urge to just GO GET IT ALL DONE ANYWAY, I GUESS is just blistering under my skin and no. If I have one more round of "I think I'm dying" heart palpitations and collapsing again, I am putting myself in the hospital, that was the deal. Get out of here.