#and then my mother woke me up fuck you Tammy

[jqmalikhsgib]

moonlight

three

eddie holds her close as she lies on his chest. he stares at the ceiling before simply looking at his girlfriend. eddie still couldn’t believe it. yn yln was his girlfriend!

she was by far the prettiest girl in hawkins high. sure, others would say it’s tammy but they’d be wrong. yn was breathtaking to eddie. she might be an angel forreal, he wouldn’t know nor would he care. he was in love.

eddie never expected to find love. after his mother died and his father was sent to jail, eddie was constantly shamed by the whole town of hawkins. the ten year old boy was confused. he was just a boy, a simple little boy who lost his mom and dad in less than three years from each other. he was shunned for the crimes his father committed. people expected him to be nothing but a criminal just like his old man. eddie only did what he could do. he put all his anger into his favorite game, dungeons and dragons! he became an excellent dungeon master. it was his rage that made him good. then his uncle introduced him to the guitar.

eddie became good at playing. he started writing music and finding other kids who were labeled as ‘freaks’ to for a band. they were actually pretty fucking good. unfortunately they listened to that ‘devil worshipping’ music. with how closed minded the fuckers in hawkins were, he was only shunned even more. people started labeling him as a cult leader. and creating a club named ‘hellfire’ where you play a game that’s getting bad press didn’t help his case. but eddie didn’t care. he couldn’t have care less about what these dumb fucks think of him. eddie knew he’d make a name for himself, he knew he’d be successful and prove everyone who ever doubted his abilities wrong.

his mother was the only person that pushed eddie. his mom letting him know he was somebody and the whole world will know his name. and still ‘till this day he believed her. her words always left an impression on him. and then he met her.

god, when he first laid eyes on her, she was mesmerizing. the way the sun shined in her hair, her eyes glowed brightly, her smile lit up his heart. she was fucking perfect. finding out she’d been the daughter of a preacher, knowing how this town looked at him, knowing what her parents might think if they saw him. he knew he had no shot with her. not a single bit. but he was so wrong.

when she approached him he thought she’d been confused at first. ‘no fucking way is she actually talking to me. no one she knows my name. no fucking say man!’ but she did. she knew who eddie had been and she didn’t give a fuck what anyone else thought of him. she thought eddie was beautiful, unique, intriguing, intelligent, funny, and handsome.

eddie still has yet to believe she wanted him just as much as he wanted her. and here he is, six months later dating her. six months of kisses, six months of hand holding, six months of tight hugs, six months of i love you. six whole months since you gave him a chance. he thanked his lucky stars every single second of every single day. he promised he wouldn’t mess this up.

it’s one reason why he hesitated to make love to her. he knew it would be her first time. he didn’t want to hurt her and he knew how much she vowed to stay a virgin until marriage. but then her words made his heart flutter. “‘m not worried ‘bout that eds. i know in my heart you’re my forever. in a way, im giving myself to my husband.” he spent the rest of the night worshipping her body. eddie simply looks at her once more. kissing her forehead gently before whispering in her ear “goodnight, wife.” he truly been lucky.

looking at her now has only made his heart hurt. that night was something he’d cherish forever. it was the moment he knew, or at least thought, he’d marry her.

then he woke up one morning hearing the rumors about her family suddenly moving. he didn’t believe it at first. but when he passed by her house and saw the for sale sign, his heart shattered. he assumed her family found out she’d been dating eddie and took her away. the one thing that made eddie really happy in a long time. eddie wasn’t sure why he assumed something would actually be great for once. he should have known better.

the night she left he was reminded of the last thing his father told him before he got arrested for good. “the munson men are cursed, kid! i should have known your mom being my ticket to happiness was just a sick joke god played on me. we munson men, we’re only good for being a slave for the man, or being criminal, no in between. we don’t get the fairytale happy ending. it’s no princess waiting in the castle for us with a shit ton of doe. we are who we are. if i taught you anything kid, remember that.”

he was absolutely right. what a fucking fool he’s been to fall for it.

“hey, why don’t we all go to the play room, yeah? maybe start building something with the legos?” nancy grabs all the kids, including kali. eddie hadn’t notice the little girl who looked identical to him. he’d been too busy staring at her. 

she gives him an awkward smile. looking down at her feet before clearing her throat. “it’s so much i have to tell you, eds. i just don’t know where to start.”

eddie simply shakes his head. “you don’t need to explain yourself to me, yn. i know your parents probably found out about us.”

her eyes begin to water. he could tell she wanted anything to hold his hand, hug him, and kiss him as if it were their last. he knew that look. it’s never changed.

“it’s deeper than that. i—eddie what my parents did wasn’t okay. what this town has done to you was never okay. seeing you as some kind of—it’s disgusting eddie. you were just a young boy when it started. i don’t know how you did it, eds. i still don’t! you’re the strongest man i know.”

eddie gives her a half smile. he didn’t have much to say. he wanted her to speak. mostly because he missed her voice. it feels good hearing her again.

she simply closed her eyes before sighing. eddie assumed she was holding back tears. he had been doing so the moment he saw her face.

“just gonna rip this off like a bandaid. eddie, the reason why my parents forced us to leave was due to my pregnancy,”

she looks at eddie. he just gives her a blank stare. she frowns not knowing if he heard her. but as soon as his hands connect with his mouth she knew he did.

“i—they just barely made friends in this town. my father being a preacher, he couldn’t risk this town looking at his daughter as the ‘town slut.’ or the ‘freaks mistress.’ so he moved us and forced me to sign my right away to my, our kid. after a few years i couldn’t take it anymore. her seeing me as her older sister and not her mother, it felt so wrong eddie. i—i tried to get to hawkins but i didn’t have enough money. not for food, clothes, shelter, nothing! i knew i had to get my life together to being a single mom. so i moved in with my grandmother and saved and saved and saved. i worked many jobs, barely getting any sleep, making sure our baby was fed, telling her about her dad. i sacrificed a lot to get back to you, eds. so we could get back.” when she finished eddie stared at her. he soaked all the information in.

she bites her bottom lip before hearing footsteps running towards her. she looks down as she feels arms wrap around her. “im hungry, mamma.”

eddie simply bends down. he looks at the little girl. she had her hair in two simple braids, she was wearing an orange rugrats t-shirt, a pair of overalls, and a necklace with an e on it.

eddie cried. he couldn’t believe it. he was a dad! eddie was a father to the cutest kid. he didn’t even know her but he already loved her. she had his eyes. he knew he’d do anything just from one look. this little girl already had him wrapped around his finger. he still couldn’t believe that he was a father.

“mamma.” the little girl whispers. she gestured for her mom to bend down.

“why’s the curly haired man crying? did i do something, mamma?” the little girl questioned.

eddie simply laughs through his tears.

“no, baby. it’s just—remember how mamma said one day she’s gonna take us home to daddy?”

the little girl simply nods her head. “well baby, the curly haired man is crying because he’s your dad and he loves you. he’s just feeling overjoyed.”

“oh! can—can daddy take us to dinner?”

eddie noticed she was going to decline. eddie simply shakes his head with a smile before nodding at his daughter gently.

“yeah, let’s—let’s get some food.” eddie whispers.

eddie watches as his daughter plays in the mcdonalds playroom. she was definitely a mini version of himself. he’s learned that she’s a talker.

the whole time they’d been eating she told eddie pretty much her entire childhood. eddie listened to every word. he loved listening to her babble.

he couldn’t believe that just a few hours ago he was just a man. a man who suffered for the last six years without the only woman he’s ever loved. now that same woman is back in his life and brought him someone precious to spoilt.

god, eddie felt like he now had a purpose in life again. he still had so much work to do within himself. with everything that happened in the upside down. he’s so grateful that dustin and steve carried him out. he would miss this very moment of his life if he died down there. he owed everything to those two. he owed everything to the doctors that saved his life as well.

“so, we should probably discuss somethings.” eddie turned. he completely forgot that the woman he loved, the woman he still loved, was right in front of him.

“nance told me that you almost died, eds.”

here it goes. the seriousness of his life. he knew they’d have to talk about it at some point. he wasn’t quite ready to tell her everything. she didn’t need to know everything! it’s not like she’d believe him anyway. who would believe that a simple fantasy game could be reality?

“i—i did.”

“im sorry, eds. i—i couldn’t imagine what you went through. nance didn’t tell me much. she said that you tried to save the town even after they tried to pin you for murder. may i ask who died?”

eddie clears his throat. he didn’t know how to answer her. telling her that the girl he had a crush on before meeting her, was inside of his house. it would probably devastate her. she knew of his crush on the cheerleader. she’d probably think they’d been together.

but he knew her as well. she could sense a lie a mile away. he didn’t wanna lie to her.

“chrissy.”

“cunningham? how did she—how did she die?”

eddie scratches the back of his head. he bites his bottom lip before looking into her eyes.

“it’s hard to explain, yn. she just—it was the most terrifying thing i seen in my life and im still facing the hell it put me through.”

thankful his girl was understandable. she never pushed eddie into revealing anything he wasn’t ready for. that’s something he’d always love her for.

“i hope this won’t affect whatever this is.” eddie points between the two.

“eddie, we’ve both changed over the last six years. i had our daughter and also had to deal with my toxic parents. you had to deal with seeing someone die and almost dying yourself. we still have so much to work on, eds. for the sake of our family, for our daughter, i think we both need to have professional help. nance tells me you’re already in therapy. that’s great, eddie! means you want to get better. and that’s exactly what kali needs. she needs both her parents to be stable and happy! im looking for a therapist myself. i think until we can figure things out for our kid, we shouldn’t be seeing each other. not romantically. i don’t think either of us are ready for that.”

eddie nods his head. he wants her back. wants to be with her and only her. but he knew mentally, he wasn’t ready for that just yet. eddie had a little ways to go before starting a relationship with anyone. he loves her with his whole soul. but he couldn’t ruin something so pure and beautiful when he’s suffering. he needs time to grow. especially now that he’s a dad.

“i love you eds. ill always love you. you’re my person, okay? and i—i want us to be together. i just want us to be together properly. we deserve to give kali, and ourselves time to learn each other again and time to heal.”

“i agree. i just want to be apart of her life yn. your parents took six years away from me. six years of not knowing where you were or if you were safe. and six years of not knowing i had a daughter. promise me you won’t take that away?”

“i could never! so, we’ll figure this out?”

eddie looks at his kid once more. he gives her a simple nod. “we’ll figure this out.”

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 31, 1993 I’ll quickly get to yesterday’s bad news so I don’t get too pissed and ruin my day. Tom left at 11 AM yesterday to go to the racetrack and the instant he left, who the fuck do you think blasted off? They fucking played till 3:30. I know God’s aiming this at me and not Tom. I was incredibly pissed! I was within inches of going over there, but I said I’d wait till mid-January to see how it is then. Tom really thinks it’s high school kids and that they’ll shut up after the New Year. I’ve got to see it to believe it. People are so fucking rude and inconsiderate. Not only did it flash me back to a horrible trip down memory lane, but I felt so controlled. I couldn’t watch TV, couldn’t open the doors. Hell, I even went out back on the swing and I could still hear it. Those fucking cock-sucking assholes! They have a right to their music in their own home, but I have a right to my peace and quiet or TV in my home. Tom was super cool and very comforting. He didn’t put a guilt trip on me or tell me it shouldn’t bother me. It does, and I can’t help my feelings any more than a woman who loves kids can or a guy who hates hockey can. I’m afraid they’ll do this 1-3 times a week for years. No fucking way. I’ll burn their house down, so help me God. I’ll torch their place if that’s what it’ll take.

I live in a house now, for God’s sake! I shouldn’t have to put up with shit like this.

Later…

Just had a cigarette and now I’m ready to get to life’s pleasant side. Tammy got her CDs and the package.

I spoke to Fran this morning who’s sick with the flu and broke up with Sharon, as they usually are every other day. He hasn’t got the tapes yet or postcards, but he will today, I’m sure. So will Bob. Fran also gave me Ann W’s address. I’ll send her a letter for him.

Got a letter from Bob yesterday, and Book of Letters #5 is complete. He drew a menorah, which was sweet, yet funny as he was short by two candles.

Later, Tom and I are going out to a restaurant.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 28, 1993 I didn’t get the chance to continue writing yesterday, as I was somewhat busy. What happened was that I fell asleep at around noon on Sunday. Then at 4 PM, those mother-fucking assholes across the street woke me up playing their fucking drums. Yes, I forgot to put my radio on, but the point of the matter is the same as always. I’m fucking sick of waking up from other people’s noise! I now live in a house for God’s sake! When the fuck am I ever gonna be able to sleep with no music on and be able to get up when I say so?!

If in the middle of January, these assholes are still doing this 1-3 times a week, I’m gonna do something about it. I promise that. I told Tom and he understands, but I’d still do something even if he didn’t cuz I’m not as heavy of a sleeper as he is and I live here too, and have a right to sleep in my own home when I want to and not be bothered by other people’s noise. I’ll start with a kind, yet blunt anonymous letter, then if that doesn’t work, I’ll talk to them face to face or send an anonymous letter to the cop across the street that lives two houses away from these jerks and see if he can do something. Now that these people next door have been quiet, it’s these folks' turn to annoy me. I bet if they upped and moved, God would pick another house to annoy the fucking shit out of me. I can’t wait for the business to hitch off so we can get into that ranch we’ve been talking about.

So anyway, I was luckily able to go back to sleep at 9 PM and got up at 3 AM.

Tom was off yesterday and he worked on the pool. We also went food shopping and stopped at Jack-n-the-Box for breakfast. After he dropped me off he went to bring Tammy, Bob and Fran’s packages to the post office, picked up the driver’s manual, then did errands of his own.

I’m gonna study the driver’s manual and take a written test. If I pass, I’ll have a license for $25 for 12 years. If I flunk, I’ll just get a photo ID for $7. Andy says if I can pass the police exam, I can pass this. I hope so, cuz after all, I did pass it in MA.

Tom and I also had some fun but didn’t get around to experimenting with the KY jelly yet, but we will sooner or later. We also played the card game on the computer and I did my usual hobbies. Watched TV, listened to music, etc.

Yesterday I got those 50 postcards in the mail. That sure was fast. I have 10 going to Fran, 10 to Kim, 10 to Bob, 10 to Alex, 6 to Nervous and 1 to Tammy, Lisa, Becky and Sarah. I thought it’d be something different since it’s been so long since I’ve written to Tammy and the girls.

Yesterday I also sewed Andy’s pillowcase and I gotta get more yarn to do the booties.

I ended up conking out at 4 PM and I awoke at 11:00, got up and had a smoke, fell back asleep and awoke to what sounded like a ball bouncing at 2 AM. That was OK, though, cuz by that time I’d had plenty of sleep and I sure did need it. When I fell back asleep at 11:00, I had shut off the radio, too. I have to expect to be woken up if I turn off the radio.

When I got up, I called Andy. I’m surprised he did not really let me have it since I can’t find his tape and I know it’s on its way to either Bob or Fran. Can you believe I was that stupid and irresponsible?! Well, I was. He asked me if in a few days, I could type up a huge list of Stevie songs for him. I told him that’d be no problem.

After that, I ate, played with the pig, played the card game, put my tooth whitener on, put my makeup on and now I will go listen to some tunes.

Later…

Shortly after Tom got up, we went over the driver’s manual. I wrote out more postcards, too.

Got two checks in the mail from my parents. Each for $25. One said Happy Birthday, the other says Happy Hanukkah.

I talked to Dean, the guy who lives next door. I said I was sorry I went off on his wife Lenore and that I should’ve been more understanding of their moving situation. He said they understood and there were a lot of people there. They’ve been so quiet, as now it’s the house across the street’s turn. But I’ll get to hear them this weekend.

It was actually pretty nice out once it got to be close to 11:00. I aired the place out, dusted and vacuumed. Went out back for a bit and even took the pig out. She liked it and wasn’t even nervous.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 27, 1993 Well, I sure had a bad night last night, but luckily it only lasted 5 hours.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 26, 1993 I went to bed at noon yesterday.

Amazingly enough, I heard no music the last two nights.

Before I went to bed I called sweet old Barb. She was actually a tiny bit friendly. She also moved. Really? They were there for 11 years. I never thought they’d move. She says Debbie’s still there. I believe it.

I got up at 8:00 and Tom had come back from his parents. He got a $50 bill, an inflatable Frisbee for the pool, a T-shirt, a book light, and a few other things.

Now here’s the shocker - Tom never told his brother David and his sister-in-law Evie, who is expecting a kid, that I write journals. Neither Tom nor I even thought I’d get anything from them, but sure enough, there was a package for me when I got up. They got me a journal! I instantly thought Tom told them, but he swears he never did. Way cool! I now have a total of 56 journals.

I still can’t find Andy’s tape. His “psychic” ability says it’s here somewhere. This is what he left a message saying. While he does have an accurate psychic ability, for the most part, I’m gonna hate to have to tell him he’s wrong. He also left his phone off the hook for me to leave party line messages from the radio station. I called Gina and she says she’s not doing the party line right now.

I typed letters to Kim and Alex and also played that game. Now I’m so bored. What do I do now?

Later…

Can’t sleep so I was just up doing some thinking. God, that’s absolutely amazing that Dave and Evie got me a journal. Tom looked dead-serious when he said he never mentioned my doing journals. Well, maybe Evie’s psychic.

Speaking of that, the so-called psychic issue, I can’t help thinking about my dad. He knew other things in the past that I didn’t or didn’t believe. For example, when I was fat, like in the 130s - 140s, he said he knew I’d lose it. Well, of course, I did. He dropped numerous hints about my someday finding “Mr. Right.” Well, remember how I mentioned he recently said, “It’ll work. It’s your time now” as far as Tom and I go? I wonder if he knows whether or not I’ll ever have a kid. Right now I’d say I can’t see myself having one within the next 2-3 years, but I also couldn’t see PHX, dancing and Tom. I can’t see myself ever getting the fuck off the damn cigarettes, either.

Later…

Tom’s at work now, but he has tomorrow off.

We’re both anxious to get the back room and his room fixed up nicely as he wants to get the house appraised. He also has to fix a part of the kitchen ceiling.

We’re both looking forward to having some fun, too. I’ve been so horny and I’d like to see just how much that KY jelly will help if it even does at all. So far, though, he’s only been able to put only the tip of his dick in me. He hasn’t cum yet either, but he’s come close. Thankfully we both aren’t wanting and trying for me to get pregnant.

But what if he can never cum? What if someday we do decide we want a kid, although I doubt it and I seriously do believe I’m sterile? How’s he gonna cum? Even if he could cum, he’d have to do it in a cup. Then I’d have to use a turkey baster, as gross as it may sound. Then again, enough people have said if a guy cums outside of you, that those things can swim up there if you catch my drift.

I’ve also heard other weird things. Some women can tell if they’re ovulating. I can’t. I also hear it’s 14 days after your period that you can conceive, then I also hear a few days before periods and during periods. Oh well.

There’s nothing on TV as usual on weekend mornings, so I guess I may as well go play that computer game for now.

Later…

I’m so fucking bored, but not ready for sleep yet. I played more of that computer card game and I also listened to some music.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 25, 1993 I sure had a fun and productive night.

Let me just mention a couple of funny things that happened yesterday morning first. I beat the pants off of Tom in a computer card game. It was fun.

Then Tom opened the back door and said, “What is the chair doing in our pool?” Well, the wind blew it in.

Yesterday I finally got Ma’s envelope. They made it sound like they mailed it two weeks ago. They only mailed it out on the 20th. So, anyway, there was a card in it along with about 15 pictures of their new condo. It is absolutely gorgeous. If I was still alone it’d be perfect for me. They’re in a 2-bedroom with 2 floors now. Their furniture is totally my style and Tom and I both agreed that their kitchen and bathroom looked exactly like ours were in Crystal Creek.

I typed them a letter as well as one to Bob.

Tammy sent a card too and it was so sweet of her to put Tom’s name on it too. This is my first card with someone else’s name on it. That sure is weird and different for me, but nice.

Last night Tom and I had lots of fun wrapping Christmas presents for his family. We put bows on it too, and I made pouches for those people getting lottery tickets. He also printed out Christmas pictures which I colored in.

Andy came over and I re-dubbed his tape. I also gave him the notes I wrote out. I’m sewing a ripped pillowcase for him, and for his birthday I’m making booties for him. I can begin that now, as I finally finished Tom’s little bag for his portable computer.

Andy’s gonna want to kill me and I don’t blame him. I was making a tape for him of all the calls left on his answering machine. Well, I think I taped over it with stuff for Fran and Bob. I have never been so stupid, irresponsible, and air-headed before! I’m so pissed off.

Tom’s in the shower now and real soon he’ll be going over to his parents.

I’m trying to stay up so my schedule’s prepared for the 6th. That’s the GYN appointment.

I can’t believe they didn’t blast their music across the street last night, but thank God!

Later…

I’m trying to keep awake and there is absolutely nothing on TV.

Tom’s in the bathroom with diarrhea. What a lousy way to start off Christmas. The poor guy.

When I do sleep, I’m able to sleep with the music off more so than usual cuz the dogs have been quieter. Tonight, however, across the street may very well blast off. It’s Christmas and it’s also Saturday night. Unless they’re gonna go elsewhere for Christmas or have any respect enough to not blast out other people’s Christmas, I don’t think they (or most people) give a damn.

Even though I’d like to change my schedule for a little while, I hope on New Year’s Eve I’m up to watch the ball go down. If not, I’ll tape it.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 24, 1993 I got my package today. I got two other things besides my guitar. A sweatshirt and a makeup kit. Naturally, no pictures, and no other mail. I typed Mom and Dad a letter letting them know I haven’t gotten the envelope.

Andy’s bringing his tape over tomorrow to re-dub. I didn’t have the volume control up high enough. I didn’t know this as there’s no volume control for recording on my stereo. The edits came out OK, though, cuz I checked them.

Got my period yesterday which I’m so sick of. Maybe on the 6th, I’ll get lucky and the GYN will say I need a hysterectomy.

I sent Tammy and Lisa messages through Prodigy. Also checked Springfield weather. It’s currently 10º! But hey, it’s pretty chilly here now.

Haven’t heard any kids, the dogs have been quieter, but those fucking assholes across the street blared their music for a good two hours. I’ll have to listen to that for the next two nights, too. It seems Thursday, Friday and Saturday are the days that they usually blast off. It’s definitely a live heavy metal band and nothing like when I blast my music. There’s no way other people could hear my music, even if they were outside. It’s the base that kills me.

I have half of Tom’s tote bag done for his little mini portable computer.

Let’s see…what else did I do today? I changed Beauty’s cage, watched TV, did my nails, did dishes and straightened up. Tom hopes to have the pool done soon. I also crimped my hair and rearranged and reorganized some of my cosmetics. Now, I think I may type a letter. To whom, I don’t know.

Later…

I typed a letter to Fran and played computer games. Right now I think I’ll go listen to music. Maybe I’ll write more later if I can’t sleep. If not, I’ll write late tomorrow night or tomorrow. TV was kind of boring. No good TV to watch if I can’t sleep, though.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 23, 1993 I got up at 7:00 last night. Course I got no mail. Tom went to bed right after I got up.

During the night I watched TV and did some awesome wall art with the markers Tom got me yesterday.

Tom got up at 3 AM and we went to MacFrugal’s which is a discount store. It’s a really neat store and I definitely want to go back when I have more money.

We got 4 little pads with mirrored covers. One with stars, the others with balloons, teddy bears and hearts. We got some glue that’s similar to the roll-on glue, plush street sign stickers, (one of them’s on a journal cover), and Tom got more Christmas presents. We also got one of those things you can write on, then lift up this plastic-like thing and it takes away what you wrote. I had one when I was little and they’re very quick and convenient for writing short quick notes.

Lastly, I got a twin-size foam thing to put on top of my mattress to make the bed softer. It sure beats the foam I cut from my sleeper/couch.

Tom and I are gonna order stamps through Prodigy and I’m gonna buy some really cute envelopes I saw at Walmart and the grocery stores. I only have 9 of those 100 stamped envelopes I ordered. For now, I ordered 50 postcards for $9.50.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 22, 1993 Tom just left to hopefully finish his Christmas shopping.

I showed him the stuff I got. He liked it.

Andy brought over a Christmas card that was left outside of the mailboxes at his apartment complex. It was something about owning the Rockies and being a good team. “Hard to keep up with 3 kids. John becoming a dad. It seems like yesterday they were smoking cigarettes in some fort, throwing apples at cars and trying to score with the twins. They wished they lived closer. Whoever gets near Cheyenne, let them know.”

Well, I’m sending this card to Nervous. I also typed a letter to Kim that I’m “accidentally” mailing to Nervous. Yes, I said some pretty wild stuff in the letter and most of it is bull.

Earlier, I taped a movie called Illusions, but I don’t think I’ll watch it right now. Luckily both Unsolved Mysteries and Law & Order will be back on tonight. Some stupid Bob Hope Christmas special was on in place of it last week.

My ear is ringing. I fucking hate that.

Yesterday I still got no fucking envelope from my parents. Maybe it got lost, but if I don’t get it by Friday, I give up. Not on life as Tom, though, but on expecting it. I hope they didn’t accidentally address it to our address but Dr. or St. We’ll see. I hope to hell Tammy gets her CDs cuz she still hasn’t gotten those yet.

I’m gonna knit Andy a pair of slippers for his birthday which is February 15th. He really liked the pair I made. I’ll also send Lisa a check for $10 for her birthday which is January 20th. Larry’s birthday is January 15th and I’ll get his address from Tammy and send just a card.

I wonder if the package Mom and Dad sent by UPS will get here tomorrow? I doubt it. It’ll probably come after Christmas. I sure wish to hell that whenever it comes that my pictures were in it. What a dream. I mean, what a total fantasy it’d be to open up the package and there they are! Yeah - right! I’d surely die of shock though. What would I say to them? God! I’d be speechless. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. If only they knew all I’ve done since being here in Phoenix. They’d die of pure shock! I’ll bet you if I saw them all, I’d be like, oh yeah! I remember this picture! I forgot all about it. I can’t really even remember all of them. There were so many. She stole 30-50, at least. Well, I’m a firm believer that what goes around comes around. Maybe someone’s stolen from her. Or did something similar. I know I’m dreaming, but what a Chanukah and birthday present it’d be to get them all back. It’d be like 5 years’ worth of birthday and Chanukah presents combined altogether. Oh, please, God! Let them finally be in this package. Please, please, please, please!

You know, I did some counting earlier. I’ve gotten 30 new journals since coming to PHX. Did 21 in 1993, but that’s not counting #54 and #55. Got 9 journals since I moved into this house. Not bad!

Later…

I still can’t sleep, but oh well.

When Tom came back from shopping he brought me a box of different colored markers. How sweet and just what I needed, too. He just left for work a few minutes ago.

Wendy left a message about possibly coming over after work. Really? I told Tom he’s got a right to have his friends visit just like I do. His response was, “I care about Wendy very much, but I refuse to let anyone come between us.” Who knows what’s going on, but I don’t care what he decided to do.

His friend Geri’s moving back here from S. Dakota. Now, this woman is someone I definitely don’t want to see, and he knows it. He told her on the phone last night I was staying forever. She still says I’m gonna hurt him. Yeah, sure. I can see and understand her fear of this, though, due to the sorry statistics of assholes out there that do hurt people.

Tom also bought more labels. The kinds that number these books. That’s cool as we only have black. This little kit also has blue, yellow, orange, red and green.

He was showing me some of the Christmas presents he bought. One of them was a paint glue for fabric with a pattern in it and you dot the paint so that the picture comes out dotted. I wanted something like this for myself. It only costs $3.

Later…

I forgot to mention what I’m doing for Andy. First of all, when he came over, he brought 3 tacos and I had one. He also brought me an NPN envelope and Tom gave me one, too. I came across 16 more pictures I don’t want. Mainly of Andy’s first apartment from when he first moved here. Also, a hideous one of me when I was around 21 and two of me with my hair shoulder length when I lived on Oswego St. in Springfield. I put 8 in each envelope.

Before Andy left to come out here, I wrote tons of little papers with lines from edits and songs and whatever. He slowly distributed them in cars, stores, etc. So, I had about 30 small, loose pieces of paper that I wrote all kinds of mumbo jumbo, including Ellie’s phone number. I’ll give him these next time I see him.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 21, 1993 Just finished watching TV. I also typed Bob a letter.

I did a little bit of exercise and used the Thigh Master. I’ve been constantly using the Thigh Master for two weeks now. Gotta keep it up. I concentrate on my thighs and lower gut mainly. The rest of me is pretty good.

Still haven’t gotten my period yet, but I will by Christmas. I’m so fucking bloated and up to 102 pounds. At least I am much firmer. I’m getting more muscle definition.

I cut two old sweatshirts into half-shirts. I also have a very long sleep shirt. Too long and obnoxious and it gets in the way. I cut it shorter. Lastly, I cut a long strip of material, about 7-8” wide. I put it behind me, took it in front across my boobs and then tied it between my tits. This looks very sexy. I got this idea from a dancer at the Ex-Cal who did this with a scarf. Or a shawl.

I pretty much slept all day and had several weird dreams. Lots of people from my past were there (I have no idea where “there” was). It was very crowded. Bill was there, Ronnie, Cousins Lori and Lisa, and some other old long-time family friends.

Well, I guess I’ll call Tammy now.

Later…

Yup, I was right. The credit card people called her. She’s just gonna tell them she’s home for the holidays if they call again. I recommended scaring them with the edits.

Before calling her, I accidentally called my folks. I just hung up. It was Dad who answered and only half a ring, sounding fully awake. Still, I wasn’t gonna say, “Oops. Sorry to call at 6:30 in the morning. I meant to call Tammy. Have a great day!”

I spoke with Lisa for a while, too. She’s playing her sax tonight in a concert and Tammy’s gonna video it and send me a copy. I’d love that!

Later…

Tom’s gonna be getting up any minute now. Wait till I show him the very creative way I put these margins in my paper journal. I put the box of KY Jelly on the center of the book, then traced down the sides. I guess that’s quite an original.

Later…

Andy and I went to the Christown Mall and Tom gave me $20 in case we decided to go out. Boy, that $20 sure went a long way in the mall. I bought a pen, a pair of white sneakers for $2, a journal for $8 and a beautiful pair of black suede shoes with thick high heels for only $5! They’re so easy to walk in too, cuz the heels are so thick and they’re a really popular style now.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 20, 1993 Last night we went shopping. I even got a pair of blue cotton stretch pants for $4.

Tom may be getting up again at 3:00 and that’s a little over a half-hour from now. That’s what he mentioned earlier as he still has more Christmas shopping to do.

So anyway, I typed another 3-page letter with yellow paper to my parents. If their envelope ever gets here, I can write the address down and mail it off. If I don’t get the letter tomorrow, I’ll call Palm City Info and get their address. I typed a 2-page letter to Fran, too. I used different fonts for his letter and my parents. I really enjoy it. I mean, I just love to sit there and type away, one after another.

Yesterday afternoon I did one of those workout videos for 40 minutes. I feel stronger and firmer, yet fat, as in big, chunky. Got a lot of water retention, too. Why couldn’t males get periods? I wish it’d hurry up and start.

Thursday evening Tom and I may go to the zoo to see all the Christmas lights. Several houses on this street have their houses decorated and lit up so nice and pretty.

Gloria was on the Disney channel, but I don’t really feel like I’ve missed out. I hate how she looks lately. I have enough of her on video from when she was looking just fine!

So, what else did I do this last 24-hour period since I last wrote? Well, I did some more knitting. I’m making a bag for Tom’s little pocket-size computer. Well, it’s almost pocket-size.

Yesterday we got some KY jelly. Maybe this will help, but Tom showed me a position that allows me to be more relaxed. Especially on my bed which is so low due to having no frame. I lay on my back with my feet on the floor and it sure is relaxing compared to holding them up. He’s been more physical with me and I’m grateful for that. It’s not too much and not too little. I also really feel and sense he wants to be more physical too, and isn’t doing it just to please me.

Later…

Oops. I just woke poor Tom up to kill two spiders and he wasn’t getting up. I could’ve sworn he said he was getting up at 3:00, but he really meant tomorrow. At least he can go back to bed and he did.

I’ve been sooo damn hungry. I’m gonna get something else to eat.

Later…

I fell asleep at 6 AM and woke up several times. However, this lazy girl didn’t get up till 5:30. I was sooo tired.

The backs of my legs are sore, but tomorrow I’m gonna run through the video again.

Still no mail from my parents and there probably won’t be until next week. That UPS package may not make it here till around the 30th with everything now being so slow. I called Palm City info, then realized I wasted my time. They can’t give zip codes. I left a message on their machine to call me and give me their address, but they didn’t as I figured.

Tammy had left a message that she wanted me to call her in the morning cuz she’s got something to tell me. Nothing important, though. She gave me their address and I’ve got 2 letters, 3 pages each, ready to go out to them.

She couldn’t give me any hints about what she wanted to discuss as Bill was there. The only thing she said was something about the card (I sent a card). Wonder if she’s talking about the credit card folks?

She hasn’t seen or heard from Larry yet, but she sent a Christmas card. I’ll have to get his address so I can send a birthday card to him on 1/15, then one for Lisa on 1/20. I typed 2 letters so far tonight. One to Alex and one to Kim.

Gotta go shut the VCR off and take my pill.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 19, 1993 I learned a few things on the computer all by myself without Tom’s help. First of all, I typed a 3-page letter to my parents. Also, one to Kim, Bob, Alex and Fran. I figured out how to delete old files and I also had no problem inserting colored paper.

Wish I’d hurry up and get my period. My tits hurt! The good news about that is that I’m right before my period and I only weigh 99 pounds.

I got a state form in the mail regarding my SS. Boy, they sure operate differently here and I even called my dad. He and Tom helped me with it.

Still no envelope from Mom and Dad. Love this mail system.

I was rearranging a little and I came across a photo album Andy gave me. It’s great for long-size jumbo prints so that’s what I’ll use it for. Tom and I printed out Christmas pictures for his family. I color them in for him. His mom sent over cookies and they’re really good.

I wonder if Tammy got together with Larry yet. I talked to her a few days ago and I guess she didn’t cuz she never said anything about it.

Got a letter and a card from Kim.

Fran’s gonna be a dad by Sharon. Hope he can deal with it. Maybe it’ll be good for him, who knows?

Tom and I wrapped the packages for Bob and Tammy. They’ll go out next week.

Tom and I are fine and so is the pig. Haven’t talked to Andy, but I’m sure I will.

Later…

I just called Gina for the first time since my birthday. She hasn’t been doing the party line lately as she’s been busy doing other things. She asked if I wanted to hear anything. I said The Lion Sleeps Tonight would do. She was gonna play it right away, but she hasn’t yet.

Andy left a message as he was going to bed at 11:00. He said he was pulling his phone off the hook so I could leave party line messages, but I’m only gonna if there is a party line tonight. When I called, I was the only one and that’s no fun.

Yesterday evening, sure enough, the people across the street had lots of company and played their music. I will thankfully say this, though, they had their music much quieter and it didn’t last long. I thought I’d hear from them tonight, but pleasantly enough, it was dead quiet.

The dog next door’s been much quieter too, thankfully. I think someone bitched them out. Very little noise from kids too, so all’s been pretty peaceful.

Yesterday I fell asleep at 4 AM and was so pissed to wake up at 8:30. At close to 10:00, though, I miraculously fell back asleep till 3 PM. Tom got up at 8 AM yesterday and crashed at 8 PM. He’s gonna get up at 3:00 so we can go food shopping. He also has to get Christmas presents. I hope I’m awake enough cuz I’d really like to get out. We figured 3 AM is a good way to avoid the Christmas shopping crowd.

Later…

Guess Tom will be getting up anytime soon now. I’m psyched for shopping, but I’ll bet he isn’t. I don’t blame him. Then after we shop, he has to go to work from 8 AM - 6:30 PM. The poor guy.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 17, 1993 I am watching TV now. I expect any minute now that the people across the street will blast their music till 11 PM just like last weekend. I wouldn’t mind if they blasted country music or dance music, but they blast heavy metal.

No mail from Ma, but I got a letter from Bob. I copied it into #44.

I called Tammy to see if she got the CDs. She hasn’t yet. I got her package ready. I’m sending two dresses I don’t want, some shirts and jewelry. Also 3 of the 5 posters with glow-in-the-dark paint, and 3 hats I used the fabric glue to put each of the girls’ names on.

Tom also gave me the Yahtzee box to use to send Bob’s tapes in. Last night I made two tapes for Fran. They’re of convos and edits. I had a little mailbag to mail them in. There are convos with him talking to Nervous, Sharon, Melissa, Ann, and the crisis center.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 16, 1993 Unsolved Mysteries and Law & Order weren’t on tonight due to some stupid Christmas special, so I didn’t watch too much TV.

Actually, I’m so proud of myself. I made a beautiful shirt from a satin pillowcase, made a matching barrette, and did up the second slipper. My wall hanging, which is to be Tom’s Christmas present’s almost done, too. Next, I’m gonna try to knit a tote bag. That should be easy.

I hope I get the envelope Ma sent me tomorrow. My horoscope says good news by mail from a loved one for tomorrow. It looks pretty good through the 19th and so far, they’ve been fairly accurate.

I got a letter going out to Kim that I typed earlier.

I’ve been playing this neat card game on the computer called Cruel. You have to keep the suits together and go from the ace to the king and hope the computer doesn’t stop you before you finish. It always stops me, but it’s fun anyway.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 15, 1993 Today’s certainly a far cry better than last December 15th. I was having a nightmare of an asthma attack a year ago today.

Still no mail for me today, but right now I’m gonna go check Prodigy and type a few letters.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 14, 1993 When we got in, there was a message from Larry that he was gonna be in PHX and mentioned stopping in that night or the next day. After I played his message, I noticed that Tom looked upset and I asked what was wrong. He said he was overwhelmed.

Well, so was I, but I really got pissed when he said that he’d have to “pick up the pieces” when the visit was over. That made me feel like a lousy piece of shit. Like I was a burden to him and not worth it. I told him that I could pick up my own pieces if I needed to and that this was something I had to do. Also, if the visit went bad, I would tell him I never wanted to see him again. I said if he loved and understood me, he’d be a good sport and be supportive. I’m sick of his jealous trips. First, he’s jealous of Kim and now my own brother.

I wanted to give my brother the benefit of the doubt and see if he’s changed or not and see if there could be a relationship with no hostility or anger from the past. I also said he isn’t someone I could associate with on a daily basis any more than I could with my parents or Tammy. I want and hope that there’s a way we can have occasional contact, rather than never have anything to do with each other.

Then Larry called at 7 PM that night and he said he was in Las Cruces, New Mexico. He said he may hit PHX in 3 hours. If not, maybe tomorrow at some time but he had to call his company at 8 AM to see if they had to send him to Yuma or wherever.

He asked to talk to Tom for directions and Tom knows much more than I do. Well, this struck a nerve in him and he went to bed. I asked myself, why should I feel guilty about asking the one I love for help? I felt it was easier for him to tell Larry directly than for me to dictate back and forth.

So Larry never came that night which was OK with me cuz I was tired.

I awoke the next morning after only sleeping a few hours. Tom was already up when I went into the kitchen and he wouldn’t say a word to me. Right away I thought, I don’t need this shit and I’m not gonna take it. So I asked if he was planning on being a poor sport all the time and was gonna try to control me and if he was gonna do this when Tammy and my parents come out here.

Well, his main gripe was that we had plans for Saturday which I didn’t even know about. We were to go to a restaurant, but I thought that was next weekend. He also said he was working on the pool and was going Christmas shopping. Well, the pool and the shopping had nothing to do with me, as I couldn’t help him with the pool or his shopping. I don’t know his family or have any idea of what they’d want.

Then he was expressing his concerns about me letting Larry and abusive people into my life. I said that if Larry came off as abusive or I felt in danger in any way, I’d have nothing to do with him and that I don’t let abusive people into my life. I’m not the Jodi I used to be who would just lay down and put up with people’s shit. I know how to say no to bad people or places.

Neither of us ever thought of me moving out, but when he said “the engagement was off, we were over, I was scum treating him like scum,” I was both furious and hurt. And all because my brother visited me. I thought once again about how life’s all about dumping and being dumped. I wondered if he was gonna throw in the towel and say we were through every time we have a problem. It’s easier to call it quits rather than work things out. I asked him how overnight he went from us working through the tough times to let’s call it quits. He was putting false feelings and intentions in my head, jumping the gun and doing things he didn’t like me to do. He said I was abusive to him by canceling our plans and time together. Seeing my brother is not abusing him, I didn’t know we had plans, I don’t like to be abused, and what goes on in my life with family or others doesn’t mean he’s less important.

So later he apologized for saying mean things to me and I told him of course I want to try to see others when he’s working or asleep so we can be together when he’s home. And yes, he’s encouraged me to see others. And yes, I love to spend time with him. The good thing about it was that we settled our problems and talked them through in a few hours, rather than a few days like it used to be. We even made love and that’s another good thing that I’ve been very happy about. He’s been more physical with me.

Today it got even better, as what he said to me was the best thing he’s ever said in making peace with any of our disagreements. It took a very big person to say what he said when he got home from work after I told him my visit went well with Larry. He said he felt so bad cuz he was really wrong yesterday and didn’t handle it well at all. He really said this from the heart and that he wanted to give me more responsibility like I’ve been wanting if I still want him. I told him of course I wanted him and that if I didn’t, I’d say so and get the hell out. He said he knew that I could relate to pressure and that he wanted me to help him from going crazy and making the same mistake and he trusted me to be responsible for making my own judgments when it comes to us. He doesn’t ever want to say mean things and he wants to learn to handle himself better when he’s upset. He doesn’t want any stupid rules and says I can go back to dancing anytime I want. Oh, I knew this cuz nobody tells me what to do and I refuse to live in a controlled place. I am a responsible adult and he’s not gonna play daddy or put out rules, any more than I would. He fully agrees with this. When I mentioned I was afraid he’d come home from work early when Larry was here, he looked sad and said he didn’t ever want me to feel that way cuz I don’t deserve it. I agree. I also agreed with him to not say nasty things when I’m upset, too, as words can hurt like a slap or a punch. I felt so happy with all we talked about before he hit the sack. What we have to work out and get better at is a joke compared to what Andy and I had to work out and get better at as friends so I’m far from worried. I still feel very confident that we’ll be OK and we have so many good days. We began going together in August and the total time that’s been bad is about two weeks of it and I think that’s pretty good compared to most people!

Later…

I’m sooo happy now. The visit went well with Larry as I said before and I do believe he wanted to see me and wasn’t simply out to please mom and dad. I could sense that Larry’s not anxious to see Tammy, but what can I say? In a way, I’m not surprised, as those two were not close ever. He and I were.

In other news, Tom and I are doing great. Naturally, he’s sound asleep now and I may try to knock off soon.

Before I do, let me mention what I did for Bob. It took me many hours, but I didn’t mind. Especially with Tom’s stereo having high-speed dubbing. I made him 19 tapes of convos and edits. He’ll love it and this will really occupy his time. I taped onto tapes of other people, cuz I want to get rid of those and use only blanks if I can. Well, I’ll write more later. Bye for now!

Later…

I had quite a busy, yet productive day today. I dusted, vacuumed, cleaned the bathroom, washed dishes, washed the shower curtain and last night I changed the pig’s cage. I also went out to the driveway and picked up 3 flyers that had been out there and trashed those.

Only Tom got mail today, but I spoke to dad. No UPS package got sent yet, but it will soon. My guitar and other stuff will be in it. Meanwhile, tomorrow I hope to get an envelope ma sent.

I spoke to dad about their new place which they love. Pictures will soon be sent to me. Can you believe they do not have a camcorder? I’m surprised they don’t.

I told him that Kim, Phil and Alex came and that Kim sent a camera. I also told him all the great things about Tom and dad said, “It’ll work. It’s your time now.”

Can’t wait for him to hurry home so I can show him all I’ve done around here and tell him things.

Last night he was so loving and rubbed my back and made me coffee when I got up after a nap. I could see in his eyes how he still feels bad about last Friday and Saturday. He expressed once again how he felt bad for saying mean things. That’s what really counts. If he couldn’t see his faults or didn’t want to confess to them, then there’d be a problem and I’d probably leave.

Later…

Tom and I just talked for an hour and a half. Now he’s gone to bed.

I have a sprained ankle which is a little sore. We have no ace bandages, so I wrapped it in a towel.

The lady never called back as I asked her to, but she called from a dance studio somewhere about a free trial lesson.

I did some thinking as far as the Ex-Caliber goes, or any other bar. The only moneymaking nights that are worth it are on weekends and no club will let me work less than 4 shifts a week. Sunday - Thursday nights and days aren’t really too much more money and if I did work weekends, I’d hardly see Tom. This would be cruel and unfair to both of us and my spending time with him is as important to me as it is to him. So, we’re gonna check out dance places for disco or modern dance and see if weekly lessons are affordable. This way I can do what I love to do, it won’t be 6-7 hour shifts, I could schedule it so Tom could drive me, he’d have better peace of mind and I wouldn’t have to deal with drunks in loud smoky bars. We’ll see.

Right now, I’m taping a 2-hour movie of the Brady Bunch having a Christmas reunion. After, I’m gonna watch a movie called Single White Female.

Earlier I typed 3 letters. To Kim, Alex and Fran. I also pre-addressed envelopes. I’d like Tom to teach me how to print address labels for those I constantly write to. This way, all I have to do is stick it on, like I do with my address labels. It’ll be neater and easier.

Well, it’s almost showtime, so I’m gonna go make me some popcorn. I must take my meds in an hour.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 12, 1993 A lot has happened in the last few days and now I’ve got the time to get into it.

I am awake and I can’t believe I slept 14 hours. On and off, that is, but I sure needed it. For the last week, I slept only 5-7 hours.

Last Friday Tom and I went to some stores. In the mall’s record store, a woman said something so funny to me. She began to back up into me, then said, “You’re so pretty I thought you were a mannequin.” This is different, and Tom and I were laughing after. I kept asking Tom how it felt to be engaged to a mannequin.

Let me go check the computer to see if I got any mail. Then, I’ll continue.

Later…

No mail.

Now, where was I? Oh, at the mall. There, a pretty Mexican woman gave me a really pretty belt for $10 which is normally $20. I also got 2 free hair accessories that were normally $5 for filling out an application for a credit card I know I won’t get, nor do I want to get it.

I got 3 more fabric glues, so now I have a total of 6. More variety. I had 3 sporty caps that I didn’t want so I put each of my nieces’ names on them and soon I’ll send them.

I got a really pretty red nightie with red satin and chiffon. Next time I go to this store, I’m gonna get a pair of jeans with black lace on the sides of them. I got a gold G-string which will go with a gold top I have for when I go swimming and tanning.

I got 2 journals for a buck each. They’re of shitty quality, but that’s what you get for a buck.

Lastly, unless I’m forgetting anything, I got knitting needles and yarn. I’m making something for Tom, which I’ll explain another time, but get this! I made my very first slipper and the second one’s almost done. Who knows how I figured it out, but I did. Tom was impressed and really liked it.

I have both good and bad news to tell about Tom later, but hopefully the bad won’t be repeated.

Later…

I don’t believe it! I just saw my brother and it went really well. Tom’s to be home any minute now, so I’ll write later.

Later…

I have so much to write about that I’m actually typing this now on the 12th at 8 PM. I will copy it in as soon as I can.

Let me get into the visit with Larry before I back up and fill in the gaps of the last few days. While Tom was at work he came and parked the 18-wheeler alongside W. Weldon. Good thing our house is on the corner, otherwise it would’ve blocked driveways. Yup, that truck was huge.

He came out of the truck and gave me a hug and kiss and then I went up into the truck. What were my emotions? Shock and disbelief. About seeing him, I mean. The cabin of the truck was very nice with a bed, TV, VCR, and a place for food and clothes. Then he came into the house and was really impressed with it. I gave him some water and he asked if it was OK to smoke in the house.

Before he came in, he showed me pictures of Larry and Jennifer. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear that Jennifer was a picture of Sandy as a kid.

He also dropped some paperwork and said the word “frickin.” Then I said, “You can say fucking cuz I swear, too.”

So, in the house, we had a good talk and I showed him around. He saw some of my drawings and I showed him The Beat magazine I was in. He asked if he could have it and I intended to give it to him anyway.

I also told him how much happier I was here and that I was staying out of trouble with the law. He said he knew all about that. I knew he did. It was in every newspaper in New England.

The only thing he said about Jenny C was that they were friends and that her parents were sick. I knew they were friends and I told him that both she and I did shit to each other that was wrong but that from now on it’s not worth my getting into trouble with those I don’t like. I just simply try to walk away and ignore them. This is with all the exceptions of any letters I’ve sent to anyone. He said it was good that I haven’t made any calls cuz it’s not worth it and it’s too easy to get caught. I did tell him that I didn’t know it was illegal to record people at first and I told him about the edits. I even played him a few seconds of one of the edited tapes.

He says that when he’s home and he gets the chance he’ll see Tammy. He doesn’t know from one day to the next where he’ll be. He’s in PHX all the time so he understands that if he calls here spontaneously that I may be busy.

He told me about his job and I told him about dancing and my hobbies. That I was still pretty much into music and art.

He told me that he was in Florida making a delivery and looking up a number in the phonebook when he came across Mom and Dad’s number. That’s when he decided it was time to mend his ways.

Uncle Marty had a heart attack and he says he feels bad cuz he and Dad are living on borrowed time. He’s come to realize you only have one family. Yup, you can choose your friends, but not your family. Can’t say I feel much for Marty, though.

I’m sure he was shocked at how thin I am now (back to 99), and how long my hair is. I thought his hair would be grayer and that he’d be much heavier, but he’s only big in the gut.

During the visit, he called Mom and Dad with his credit card and we even had a good talk. I said hello when he handed me the phone and my dad said, “Hi shorty.” He said they were shipping out my other guitar and Ma said to look for an envelope and some other stuff.

He was here for about 45 minutes, as I didn’t want Tom to come home to surprise company after working 10 hours and being beat. Tom’s a whole different story that has the best ending ever to any of our disagreements, but I will get into this later.

Now, let me back up and cover what’s been going on with Tom and I. Last Friday after we came back from all the shopping, Tom was bummed cuz the pool is still fucked up and it’s gonna cost money to fix it.

I also got a call from the GYN who now needs to reschedule me for January 6th. So it was a hectic day for both of us and Tom really hates his job.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 9, 1993 Last night was lots of fun. Tom came home in a super good mood, knowing he’ll be off for 3 days. We talked and ate some B-Day cake.

I felt kind of tight yesterday, as there was a big smog alert and lots of carbon monoxide in the air due to all the Christmas shoppers.

Later…

Tom’s going out very soon to the horse races. I feel he’ll win $40, but we’ll just have to wait and see. I hope he has a good time anyway.

An hour or two after Tom got home last night, we went to Hollywood Videos to get The Guardian video. The bad thing about it is that there’s a red line across the top of it. It’s a copy guard I guess, but it’s OK cuz I can still see what I need to see. They also cut a scene I liked that was on TV. But, they replaced it with some pretty explicit stuff.

Later…

I had to stop writing earlier to go and do something. Tom’s out now at the races. Hope he wins something. It is beautiful out now. I have both the front and back doors open now. Got the fan running through to air out the smoke.

Anyway, as I was saying about the video, she has nice tits and a nice body. Not too thin, not too heavy. There were two pictures of her on the back of the video box. One was only so-so. The other was much nicer, but kind of bright.

Now, why some guy’s standing out in the middle of the street with a basket beats the living shit out of me. Oh well.

Still no mail from Bob or anyone. Who knows what, if anything, is going on? I hope he’s OK, but he has two more stamps and two more address labels I sent him, so we’ll see.

I’m listening to an old Juice Newton tape I got into when I was about 13 or 14.

Andy may call later. Actually, he definitely will cuz he’s gonna need his work pants. On the other hand, Tom and I may be going out later.

Well, here’s the school bus, and the man with the big basket put two little kids in it.

Later…

I have so much to update on. Lots of stuff has happened. I’m super tired now as I’ve been through a lot with very little sleep. Therefore, I shall write tomorrow. What I will do for now, though, is copy in Bob’s letter in #44. Yesterday I got a letter from Alex and Bob, but I already copied in Alex’s.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 8, 1993 Last night I did the 4 remaining posters. They don’t look too pretty in the light, but they do glow in the dark. One’s in Tom’s room, one’s in mine, the living room, kitchen, and the back room.

Damn! I turned the heat down on the thermostat but it’s still soaring away. I opened the front door for a while.

Tom wasn’t able to get the video yesterday, cuz there are two movies called The Guardian. The guy at the store got confused cuz neither he or Tom knew this.

Bob better send a letter today. Why haven’t I heard from him? I hope Kim and Alex send letters too.

Anyway, I fell asleep last night at midnight. I heard Gina was on last night. Guess Magic got sick. I got up at 7:30. Tom’s been up since 4:00 and is at work now.

My video will be available today, I guess.

Chanukah’s at sundown tonight. I wonder if my parents will call.

Today I typed Scott a letter. I figured it was time. Did a bunch of weird stuff with different fonts.

I talked to Andy who lost $90 in Vegas. He had fun, though. I sewed his pant pocket and he’s to be coming over here later.

Later…

No mail for me at all today. Only for Tom.

At 2:15 I have to call my doctor’s office. They haven’t mailed me my second referral yet. Well, if for whatever reason I don’t get to my appointment on the 16th, then I’ll take it that I wasn’t meant to get to it, know I’m OK, and forget it.

I’m soooooo bored right now. I wish Andy could come over now, but I’m sure he’s watching his favorite soaps.

I tried to call Nervous and I was gonna tape it, but there was no answer. He’s probably still working at Feinstein’s Leather. He tells me Crystal’s still living there. Amazing.

Well, the Brady Bunch is coming on now, so that’s what I’ll watch. I’ll write more after.

Later…

Well, it sure is quite overcast out there today.

I’m sitting here watching a talk show now, waiting for Andy’s call.

Earlier I was playing Nintendo and doing dishes. Well, trying to. The sink is still pretty backed up. I tried to drain it by filling up a big metal bowl with water from the sink, then I dumped it outside.

I just ate some Kiwi and I’m watching The Maury Povich Show, then Donoghue comes on at 4:00. This episode deals with those with amnesia and multiple personalities. Don’t know what the topic is on Donoghue cuz it’s not listed.

I really hope Andy doesn’t take forever with coming over. You know how he is - always late.

Christina just called collect, but of course I refused it as Tom’s not home. She’s his jealous friend’s (Geri’s) daughter.

Well, Donoghue’s about legalizing prostitutes. Boring.

Think I’ll call Andy and see if he’s anywhere near coming over. If not, I’ll call Nervous cuz I’m so fucking goddamn bored. I may write later.

Later…

Now I’m really pissed and frustrated! No answer from Andy and none from Nervous, but I just tried paging Fran, so we shall see. I gotta be really bored to go and page Fran. Oh, there are things I could do - I just don’t feel like them, though.

Later…

Well, there is good news after all. I just called my doctor’s office cuz I haven’t gotten my referral yet. It’s been updated till the 29th at the crotch doctor’s office. She said just go ahead and go to the appointment. Like I’m really looking forward to this. Aaaaaaargh!

There’s a movie coming on at 5:00. Should I see it? We’ll see, but first I wanna see some food. I’m hungry!

Later…

Fuck! No! I’m still up to 103 pounds. Shit. I gotta stop eating for a few days. Gotta drink tons of water. I just fried some hash browns and ate that so now I’ll take it easy.

I called Andy and he said he had just gotten done cleaning his bathroom and was tired. He may come over tomorrow night and he says he has clean work pants.

I definitely gotta clean our bathroom. Tom always said he’d do it as I hate to, but I feel bad asking him to. He works hard enough and I’m the one with the time to do stuff like this along with many other things here.

I’m taping a movie that’s on now till 7:00. Then I’ll tape the Billboard Awards that’s on from 7:00-9:00. Lastly, I’ll tape Law & Order. That’s on from 9:00-10:00.

Right now, I’m listening to the one and only famous Rick and Nervous fight. It’s just as funny as the first time I ever heard it.

Tom will be home in about an hour. Wonder if he was able to get the video.

Well, for now, I think I’ll go see if Nervous will answer his goddamn phone.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 7, 1993 Another day of getting all junk mail, magazines, or bills. Something must be up with Bob, but I hope not. Yesterday Tammy’s CDs came. I just mailed them out to her. Tom mailed a check for $1.86 to the same club. I hope there’s no problem. If there is, we can do one of two things. Tell them we never got Tammy’s CDs, as they can’t prove we did. They weren’t sent by certified mail. If that doesn’t work, there’s another club.

I spoke to her earlier to tell her I was mailing them to her and to see if she got my Chanukah card and check. She did. I wasn’t sure, as the mail system’s slower now due to the holidays. Chanukah starts tomorrow night at sundown.

Remember how I said Tom ordered something for me in the mail? Well, I got it. It was an adorable two-year planner, calendar/address book/notepad with a teddy bear cover. I put the notepad and address book away for now for future use, but the calendar is on the refrigerator. I also cut out the part with the teddy bears and glued them on the back cover of the next journal.

Tom’s picking me up The Guardian video today. Great - I’m looking forward to it.

Well, I’m gonna go see a movie I taped.

Later…

I typed 5 letters today. To Tammy, Fran, Kim, Bob and Alex. I had the front and back doors open to air the place out. The phone rang at one point with some guy doing a radio survey when there was a knock on the front door. I knew right away it was Tom’s brother David from having seen pictures of him. He came to check out the pool. I was somewhat embarrassed as I was wearing a workout outfit. Now he can see his brother’s lover is all hair, eyes, belly, and legs. Oh well. Although, my measurements have gone down an inch while my weight has gone up to 103.

I surprised Tom by making him two sandwiches for when he comes home. Guess I could use some food myself now.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 6, 1993 I fell asleep yesterday afternoon at 4:30 after taking two Pre-Sym pills, as I was so bloated. That shit knocked me on my ass. I awoke to the phone ringing at 6:30, then Andy arrived at 7:30 shortly after Tom did. I was too tired to go to Tower Records with him, so we’re gonna go next week. He brought back my Bonnie Raitt CD and the pants with the torn pocket I’m gonna sew. The 3 of us sat and chatted for a while and he left at 8:30.

I watched some TV, then fell asleep at 10:00 along with Tom. I got up at 4:15. I am still a bit tired.

When Tom got up this morning, he printed out The Guardian movie guide. Not only does it have a write-up about the movie, but it also has the cast, sound effects person, director, copyright, etc.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 5, 1993 Oh, my fucking God! I just don’t believe it! Larry just called me. I was so caught off guard. I didn’t know what to say. He wished me a happy birthday. He drives a tractor-trailer and is constantly in Phoenix and California. He’s been to the clubs I’ve danced at. He said Dad told him, but he didn’t think ma knew.

Ha! She knew.

His son Larry is 13 and Jennifer is 10.

I simply told him all’s been great since I got here and got my life together. He said he did not want to get involved in any family problems, he has his own family and life.

I said that is fine, but to remember how me and Tammy went through the same shit he did.

He said he only called Tammy to make mom and dad happy. I said, “Don’t you think that’s deceiving?” Then, he said he didn’t mind calling her, he just doesn’t want to get in the middle of things. Fine, but now I wonder… did he really want to call me? Or was it just to make mom and dad happy?

Well, I have very mixed emotions about meeting with him. A part of me wants to tell him to fuck off, and the other part’s curious. Tammy did bring up a point. She said how we both know how much I’ve changed, therefore, what’s to say he hasn’t changed too? Oh, I just don’t know what to make of all this right now. Tammy mentioned being hopeful that there could be a way to get along without the anger of the past getting in the way. Well, here’s where I stand on that one - I’m a firm believer in letting dead dogs lay. I try not to hold grudges, but this guy abandoned me. Me, who also went through the same abuse. I was young and naïve, but he couldn’t stand by me. He took his anger on mom and dad out on me. There was no emotion at all in his voice. How do I know he’ll take me for face value and not judge me by my past? I’m not about to explain or defend myself to him or anyone. Maybe we will have to meet face-to-face to decide if I want to associate with him or not. All Tammy told him was I became a very happy, stable person here and engaged to be married in a year. Well, I don’t even want to think about him now.

After a cigarette, I’ll write about my other beautiful caller, then get on with all the many good things going on.

Later…

This day still’s getting weirder and weirder. I just spoke to my mother and believe it or not that went pretty well. They moved to Palm City and they have a 2-bedroom condo. She’s working in an office on computers as a secretary. She said something about dad taking care of some storage thing. He’d just gone out when I called. She left a message yesterday wishing me a happy birthday, so I figured I’d get it over with and call, as she’ll only call again here. I told her I was not dancing now, but was working on the computer and was engaged to be married in a year. She said she was very very happy for me. I also told her a little about Tom and all he did for me yesterday, which I’ll soon get into. I said I’d send pictures of the house and she could send pictures of the new condo. Lastly, I told her of my very mixed emotions regarding Larry.

Later…

Well, now I shall update the 3rd and 4th. Tom was gonna fire up the Jacuzzi but the filter’s broken. It’ll soon be fixed, though.

On Tuesday he’s picking me up the video of The Guardian. Eventually, we’ll also rent Local Hero. If I like how she looks in it, I’ll buy it.

Let’s just say I made out yesterday really well.

Andy called me on midnight the 4th and sang me a happy birthday. Today he may be over at 6 PM. He’s getting me a CD and I need to sew another pocket for him.

On the 6th & 7th, he’s going to Laughlin with Velma.

After I spoke to him, I called Gina at 12:30 AM on the 4th. She wished me happy birthday live on-air and played the song, They Say It’s Your Birthday. Stan was on again too, and I left Andy a few messages. She got the letter and my picture and thanked me for sending it. She also used the promo tape of me, Stan and Tammy last Tuesday from 9 AM-noon. That’s cool.

One more thing I forgot to mention about mom - she’s sending me a package and their new address will be on it.

Later…

I just spoke to Nervous for a few minutes.

Now let me finally get into all I did and got yesterday. I got up at 11:30 PM on the 3rd. I fell asleep again at 6 AM till I heard Tom open the cake at 8:30. He got a nice chocolate cake that said, “Happy Birthday, Jodi.” There were two candles, unlike anything I’d ever seen before. They were two tall, skinny candles. A pink one and a purple one. He said the reason why there were two was cuz there are two of us. How sweet.

I gave him his Chanukah card and he gave me a birthday card. What it says really hits the nail on the head. Here’s what it says: We share a very special kind of love because we share so many other things, too – happy memories, precious dreams, little everyday discoveries, private jokes that no one else would understand. We even think alike in a lot of ways, but not about everything….just enough to make life interesting. It’s no wonder I wouldn’t trade what we have for anything in the world.

Tammy called too, and said she didn’t send anything cuz she’s sending a family portrait. Believe me, I want this more than a check. This way I can put it in the living room, or somewhere here and bring them closer to me.

This is when I told Tammy about Tom and I and she congratulated me and said she was happy for me. She also asked how old he was cuz she always wanted an older brother. They’re the same age, but Tom’s almost two months older. Good enough.

Enclosed in my birthday card were the stickers in this book. They’re also on the covers of the previous and next journals.

Tom took me to Red Lobster where I got a combo of shrimp, lobster and crab legs. It was great and he got steak.

I then went to withdraw $20 and we went to Target’s department store. I bought a journal with a little girl on it. A real one, not a drawing. I got a white satin G-string and a purple one, too. Got 4 overcolor markers and 4 undercolor markers. I used them a few pages back, as well as on the back cover of this book for the entry dates. Lastly, I got 5 neon-colored poster boards to paint on with neon paint that glows in the dark.

It is absolutely beautiful out now, but I wish I could go swimming!

Well, guess I’ll lie down for a while till I hear from Andy.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 4, 1993 Well, I’m 28 now.

We left early to do a humongous shopping order. It came to around $127. I also got 3 Chanukah cards. One for Tammy and Andy that I wrote with my calligraphy markers. I sent Tammy a check for 20. I have yet to do up Tom’s card. I will real soon after I get caught up in here. Now’s a good time to do Tom’s card as he’s asleep.

Later…

I just quickly did Tom’s Chanukah card. His first-ever, I’m sure.

Yesterday at the store I won a 25¢ little teddy bear. It’s one of those games where you try to grab it with this claw-like thing, and I got it. Then, I tried 3 more times, but my luck had run out.

Let’s see… what else did we get? Oh, a red light bulb that is on in the hall now. It’s neat.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3, 1993 I got two letters from Kim today and in each one, she enclosed a letter she’d gotten from Bob. Tomorrow, I feel a Bob letter coming.

I put one of Bob’s letters in a no-postage-necessary envelope and the other one I still have. The two letters from Kim are on their way to Fran. I typed Bob and Fran both a letter tonight.

I did the dishes and now the fucking sink is all backed up.

I slept yesterday from 2 PM - 9 PM and Tom was to fire up the spa for last night. Well, that was out of the question as it turns out that the filter, or something like that, is broken. Great. So now he isn’t sure we can get the dishwasher cuz this may be an expensive repair. He says he’ll look at it more closely in the daylight.

I taped and watched Amityville 1992: It’s About Time. It was really nothing spectacular at all.

Andy left a message all bummed out about taking a really hard test, but now not even sure there’ll be an opening for him at AT&T. They are laying off people.

He also said that midnight was my birthday. Hee, hee. He’ll never remember it’s the 4th.

Either later this morning or tonight, Tom and I will go food shopping.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this, but Beauty’s definitely pregnant. Tom had a dream too, that he walked in one day and there were babies. I’ll either see if Tom knows anyone who’ll want the babies, or trade them in for store credit at the pet store. You can do this where I got her.

Next door’s dog had been much much quieter lately. I figured someone either killed it, or someone really complained. I knew my luck would run out, as I heard it at 4 AM yesterday for an hour. I had to listen to the radio for an hour which I wasn’t in the mood for, but it beat listening to that damn dog. The fucker sounds like it’s two feet outside my window. I’ve heard no kids, though, thankfully. The last time next door was noisy was when they were moving in.

God sent me a new thing that goes on 3-4 days a week for about 3 weeks now and I swear it feels as if I’m in apartments. The house across the street has a band and a really kick-ass stereo. I’m surprised no one’s complained, but I don’t know if anyone has. Especially the pig across the street two houses away. The bass and drums are sooo annoying. Especially when I’m trying to watch TV or just enjoy total peace and quiet. When I got up last night, Tom was on his way to bed and he said, “I’m surprised they didn’t wake you up across the street. They’ve been blasting their music all night long.” I slept with my music on cuz I figured I’d be woken up by that or a dog.

Later…

I just got done relabeling the outside boxes of my tapes. Remember how Tom gave me these silver foil labels? Well, they’re great for numbering tapes, but not their boxes, as it’s a little hard to see. He brought a few neon orange-colored labels from work and I used those for numbering the boxes. They’re much easier to read.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 2, 1993 Yesterday I fell asleep at noon and I got up around 8:30. I got no mail, but there was a message from Andy. He wanted me to let him know if I wanted the Christmas Through Your Eyes CD by Gloria. I left him a message not to get that or Mi Tierra by her as I’ll get it through the record club (I hope). I named some old albums of Linda’s he may want to get on CD. Speaking of Linda, guess she got a new album out now in English. She previously released another Spanish album I have yet to get. There are tons of CDs I want. She’s also on The Jay Leno Show tonight which I taped. I haven’t seen it yet, but I saw a quick clip on a commercial, and oh my God! She’s gotten so fat, her hair looks pitiful and she’s really aging. How sad. The poor woman was once so drop-dead beautiful.

I also taped Unsolved Mysteries, Now, Law & Order and Tales of the Crypt on HBO.

I typed Kim a letter and who knows what I’m gonna do now? When Tom gets up, which I don’t think will be for several hours, I’ll have to have him put my clothes out in the dryer. I don’t have a key for this door, and I hate that room. It’s sort of a part of the garage. Who knows what spiders may be in there?

Also, I blasted the fan and opened the doors when he left for work to air the place out. I think I blew out the pilot light on the living room wall heater. It’s freezing in there!

I also finally got around to sending Tammy a message. I told her all about the pig and our “tentative” date to get married.

That’s all for now. I guess I will go see the shows I taped.

Later…

I just had to wake Tom up a few minutes ago to relight the pilot light on the wall heater. It was absolutely freezing in here.

At 10:00 he’s taking his parents to the racetrack. Instead of him taking them there every Saturday, he will be taking them every Thursday due to his schedule changing.

Later…

If Andy can find the Lush Life CD, that’d be nice cuz I sing most of the songs on that album. I still haven’t seen Linda yet on Jay Leno, but I will when I’m more awake. I’m starting to get pretty tired.

I hope I get a letter from Bob today. I love getting letters from him and anyone else who writes me.

I asked Kim to let me know in her next letter to me if she’s had any developments in being able to get my tapes back that the fucking pigs took. You know, I’ve lost all respect for cops and pretty much most people of authority. Yes, there are some good cops, but you hear story after story of those whose badges have gone to their heads and are on a big power kick. It’s just like at Brattleboro, Valleyhead, and most places like that. A few care and play it fair, but very few. Most are on power-play at high speed. I never want another cop friend again. I’d never have a one-nighter with a Lisa S or a Laurie H if it were possible either.

Later…

Tom just went out to get us breakfast from Jack-n-the-Box. I’m so hungry. I’m up to 101 pounds, too, and probably more like 105 on an accurate scale. Oh well.

Tom’s been really good at predicting my mail for me. He feels one letter, probably from Bob.

So anyway, when I wake up, if he’s up too, we’re gonna go out to the grocery store. I still have to get Chanukah cards. We also need a few things around here like milk and some TV dinners as well as munchies. You know me and my popcorn.

Tom already got his first Christmas card yesterday from his brother that lived here and his wife. They sent wedding pictures, too. I’m gonna be getting 3 Chanukah cards, as I mentioned before. One for Tammy and the girls, Andy, and Tom.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 1, 1993 I was so sure I’d begin this paper journal before the 1st, but I ended up getting sick. I had already dated it for Nov. 30th, so I covered it up with an address label. I fell asleep yesterday at noon and I woke up wheezing my ass off at 6:30. My attack lasted nearly two hours. I’m fine now, but very tired. I did fall back asleep from 10 PM - 12:30 AM, but I’m not trying to go to sleep right now. That gets boring and frustrating. Tom was a big help when I was wheezing. He made me coffee and rubbed my back.

Andy left a funny message. He forgot if my birthday was on the 1st or the 3rd and to call him and let him know which one it is and what I wanted to do. I called to let him know it was the 4th and that Tom was gonna heat up the Jacuzzi.

Later…

I can’t sleep so I figured I’d write some more for now.

Tom should be getting up at 6:00. After he takes a shower, I’ll take one. I certainly could use one and my hair is a mess.

What will I do today? I haven’t a clue. Perhaps some serious letter writing. I still have to send a message to Tammy. I got no mail yesterday which is odd. Hopefully, I’ll get a letter from Bob today and maybe one from Kim and Alex, too. Tom wrote almost halfway into this book. It’s amazing how much his handwriting looks like Bob’s.

Later…

Tom’s up making those disgusting chomping and slurping sounds while he eats his sandwiches. In an hour he’ll be off to work and I’m gonna open up the doors and air the place out. He’s got a cold, but I was gonna air it out anyway. Cigarette smoke’s been building up in here now that the EC has been off.

I took a bath about an hour ago and I feel a bit better. Still tired and tight in the chest, though. To feel better, and also cuz I get sick of looking like a geek, I put on makeup and did my hair.

Later…

I am watching Little House on the Prairie now and next is Charlie’s Angels, then Geraldo.

Tom left at 7:30 and for about 45 minutes I played with Beauty.

I’m looking forward to getting a video of The Guardian. I’m hopeful that there’ll be a nice picture of her on the video box. I’d also like to try to hunt down the other movie she did in 1983. The one called Local Hero. I wonder how she looked back then.

In this episode of Charlie’s Angels, a Las Vegas dancer gets killed. Kelly (Jaclyn Smith) goes and dances in a chorus line to catch the killer. Kate’s always been my favorite angel. I used to have a huge crush on her. Damn! The clothes back then were absolutely pitiful.

Oh, fuck! Kate Jackson’s not in this one. Some other girl is on with Cheryl Ladd and Jaclyn. Not that disgusting Shelley Hack, though, thankfully. I like Farrah better than Cheryl, too.

Well, it’s only 52º now. Kind of chilly.

Geraldo’s going on now but during commercials, I’m gonna log onto Prodigy to see if I got any mail.

[blue--cup]

Well Done Sweetface!

Ian had always tried to look out for Liam.

 

In fact, all of his eldest siblings did. With Liam being the baby of the family it was only natural they all took on more of a parental role with him.

When he was an actual baby, Fiona took the lead. She was the one who fed him his formula at odd hours of the night, took care of him at work when everyone else was at school, got him to an urgent care when he had a fever that just wouldn’t seem to break, and many many other tasks that weren’t, and shouldn’t have been her responsibility. Yes, Monica had been his mother biologically, but Fiona was his mum in every other way that mattered, just like she was to all her siblings in some way or another.

 

Lip always tried to look out for everybody . He, along with Ian, was for decades Fiona’s rock, he took Ian’s beating from Mickey when they were still all kids, he tried his best to not let Carl and Debbie get their hopes up that one time Frank seemingly got sober, and when Fiona went to jail he stepped up for Liam more than he ever had before. Lip cared a lot about his siblings, and he had done things for them most of the eldest brothers at his old college never would have dreamt of.

 

Now though, now things felt different.

 

Now Fiona was gone, finally, and deservedly living her life free from the chains of forced obligation to her family, finally living the life her parents had stolen from her at fourteen. He missed her, they all did, but Ian had meant it when he told her to never look back because for all the times he woke up in the morning craving her eggs, or thought about how every Gallagher blow-out felt just a little bit incomplete without her laughter filling the air, he was happy for her.

 

Now Lip had a kid and a house of his own. Yeah, they still saw him most days, but it wasn’t the same as when Ian was fifteen. For now, if asked to hang out instead of thinking about whatever scheme he had planned to help add to the squirrel fund, or whether or not Fiona would be home from in time to look after the youngest Gallaghers, Lip thought about Tammy and Fred. He still tried to look out for everyone, he still loved his siblings, but his kid came first, and that was okay.

 

Ian’s relationship with Liam had always felt unique to his relationships with the rest of his siblings. With Fiona and Lip he was their little brother, their best friend, their emotional support. Yeah, he’s protected them, cared for them, but he’s not parental towards him in the same way they are slightly towards him. Carl on the other hand is his little brother. He roughhouses with him, takes the piss out of him, let’s him do shit he knows Fiona would at least shoot a disapproving glare at if not prohibit entirely. And with Debbie, that’s his baby sister, even if she hasn’t acted like it in a long-ass while.

 

Liam though? Well, he’s not Ian’s kid , but he’s not fully just his little brother either. When Carl started smoking Ian barely batted an eye because what was he going to do? Tell Carl to stop while his own pack burned a hole in his pocket? Fuck no, but if Liam lit a fag on their way to school Ian knows he wouldn’t think twice before plucking it out of his hand, much in the same way Lip would if it was Freddie, or Debbie if it was Franny.

So while no, Liam wasn’t really Ian’s kid - he’d cringe if Liam ever called him ‘dad’, much like when Fiona used to grimace upon being called ‘mama’ - but he still kind of was in some respects, in a lot of the ways that mattered . Especially now, with things being different, because now Ian was the only eldest sibling left really. Or not left, but still able to give Liam the care he needs.

 

That’s why, Ian guessed, he and Mickey took Liam in.

 

After the house was sold and they got their fair share Ian and Mickey moved into a two-bedroom, middle floor flat, and barely discussed it before asking Liam to come with them. Ian had been so sure Mickey would protest because while he knew his husband loved the Gallaghers as his own taking on a kid barely a year into being newlyweds would’ve thrown anyone. Ian had been pleasantly surprised, however, because the night after the sale was finalised Mickey looked over at him from their bed and casually stated “so Liam’s coming with us, right?”

 

No “do we really have to?” No “can’t he just go to Fiona?” Just a statement of fact, and Ian’s still shocked neither of them chipped a tooth with how hard he kissed Mickey in gratitude and excitement.

 

“Hey, earth to Ian” came Mickey’s voice from his left, jarring him out of his thoughts. He looked over at his husband, who was resting the hand holding his beer on one knee while he waved his other in front of Ian’s face, a goofy smile plastering his own.

 

“Spaced out on me there” Mickey continued, resting the hand he had been waving on the backrest, grazing the back of Ian’s neck.

 

Ian shifted, and threw an easy smile back at Mickey “sorry, just thinking.”

 

“Yeah?” Mickey replied, and rustled the slightly overgrown hair at the back of Ian’s head - he’d have to ask Mick to cut it again soon - “what about?”

 

“Ah just, happy we ended up here, you know,” Ian answered, smiling when he saw Mickey’s teasing expression morph naturally into something softer, more adoring. He breathed a short laugh thinking about how much 15-year-old Ian would have killed to see the image before him, the one he gets to enjoy every single day.

 

“And-” Ian added, cutting himself off to shift closer to Mickey and pull his arm around Ian’s shoulders, “-I’m glad we’re able to give Liam the home he deserves.”

 

At that, Mickey’s smile widened, and turned full-on loving, before he ducked his head shyly. When he looked back up, he mumbled out a “god you’re soft,” before muffling Ian’s giggles with a kiss, humming when Ian’s hand automatically came up to cradle his face.

 

At that moment, the door swung open, and the sound of Liam’s backpack being carelessly dropped to the ground boomed through the small flat. Ian pulled back first and kissed Mickey’s cheek consolingly when he grumbled about it.

 

“Guys, guess what!” Liam called, as he came into view of the couple, a piece of paper with red ink at the top being waved about in his hand.

 

“What’s up buddy?” Mickey asked, hand dropping to Ian’s right shoulder after Ian turned around to face Liam.

 

“I said guess ” Liam retorted, grinning cheekily and pressing the paper to his chest, hiding it from view.

 

“Fuck off, this isn’t one of your pop quizzes, what are you holding?” Mickey complained, his grin undercutting the edge he tried to inject into his voice.

 

“Well,” Liam began, theatrically, dropping onto the couch next to Ian, who tried, unsuccessfully, to pry the apparently extremely important paper from Liam’s arms. “You know that paper I was up all night writing?”

 

“I think the one we spent all night sitting up waiting for you to finish” Ian laughed, throwing an arm around Liam and shaking him playfully.

 

“Please, you and Mickey were asleep on this couch for most of it” Liam shot back, shoving Ian’s thigh in revenge.

 

“Come on, come on, cut to the chase” Mickey groused, looking annoyed but Ian knew he was just as excited to hear what Liam had to say as Liam was to say it.

 

Liam just smiled, an air of self-confidence filling his small body, and silently presented the paper to the anticipating Ian and Mickey.

 

“An A+!” Ian half-shouted, before handing the paper to a stunned Mickey and getting on his feet so he could pick up Liam and spin him around.

 

“Well done Sweetface!” Ian cried out over Liam’s giggles, before stilling and giving him a quick kiss on the nose, causing Liam to scrunch his face up and beam.

 

“Thanks, my teacher said it’s my best yet” Liam bragged, clearly satisfied with himself.

 

“You hear that Mick? Says it’s his best yet” Ian boasts, bouncing Liam once before setting him back down.

 

He turned back to his husband, who was looking at the paper with the biggest look of pride Ian had ever seen. As if he could feel Ian’s eyes gazing down on him he snapped his head up, and announced “I think this deserves a spot on the fridge.”

 

“Fuck yes it does!” Ian agreed and turned back to Liam as Mickey hurried to the kitchen to hang it up, “I also think this deserves ice cream.”

 

“Fuck yeah!” Liam exclaimed, almost jumping into Ian’s arms for a tight hug. Ian squeezed back just as tight, ruffling his hair as he did.

 

When they parted Liam smirked and asked “do you guys really need to act like this every time I get a good grade? The fridge door is looking pretty full.”

 

“Well then we’ll get a bigger fridge,” Mickey said, coming back into the room and grabbing his keys from a bowl on the coffee table.

 

“And besides, I don’t see you complaining” Ian pointed out, pushing Liam gently towards the door. Liam wasn’t wrong, it was getting difficult to open the fridge door, but the happiness he felt seeing his baby brother’s achievements was just too much to give up for a little extra convenience.

 

“Yeah well, who would complain about ice cream?” Liam replied, half running towards the door he had just come through.

 

Ian felt a warm hand drop onto his shoulder, and he craned his neck slightly to look at Mickey, who just looked at him with that special look only Ian ever got to see and said “I get what you were saying, about being happy we ended up here, that Liam’s here too.”

 

Ian grinned so wide it hurt, and slid his arms around his husband’s neck, pulling him in for what was possibly the sweetest kiss of his life.

 

“Guys come on, you can make out later!” Liam called from the door, and now it was Ian’s turn to grumble at the interruption.

 

“Come on Sweetface,” Mickey said, kissing Ian’s nose in a sweet imitation of what Ian had done to Liam, “we’ve got ice cream to eat.”

[cc-tinslebee]

The Mighty Ducks re-watch commentary you didn’t ask for:

Charlie was such a little pipsqueak in this movie and I love him-

“Barely human” hmmm, I smell foreshadowing

That good Jesse & Ducks dynamic that I missed dearly!!

“I’ll take care of it.” Jesse being SUPER protective of District Five and not taking any of the Hawks’ racist shit. Iconic of him.

Goldberg: “I’m moving back to Philly” so that was a fucking lie

Averman, my beloved- no thoughts, only the scenes where Averman’s just providing golden and random commentary

Connie!! She really said she’s the responsible one!!

Gordon: I’m sure they’re very nice names. I might even learn them.”

Charlie: >:O

These gremlin children woke up that day and chose violence. Good for them.

Charlie really fell on the car floor and just decided not to get up. Legend.

GET HIS ASS, CASEY

Coach Reilly: We’re both adults, you can call me Jack.

Gordon: I don’t think you understand how much I can’t do that

casually dropping that bomb of Adam being the best player on the Hawks + calling Adam the Ducks’ star player

Adam going from a colossal jerk for no reason to the quiet boy we know and love. Iconic of him.

Charlie, struggling up from his bad fall:

Adam deciding to check him directly in the back for some reason:

Goldberg just giving up is such a mood (“we need a new goalie” D2: you called?)

The way we don’t actually see Adam’s face until his coach is praising him for the play. Cinematography at its finest.

Gordon chastising Charlie for disobeying his play 🤝 Alex chiding the Don’t Bothers for disobeying her call to keep Logan out of the game

Charlie Conway taking NO coach’s shit since 1992

Okay, Fulton never DENIED that he was getting sports scholarships, he just said just because people talk, doesn’t mean it’s true. Hmmm

Tammy and Tommy!! I missed you!!

No thoughts, just the egg scene

Goldberg, our Jewish king!!

Imagine going to the mall and this pack of ten year olds are just wreaking havoc everywhere

In my first watch, I thought Guy and Connie were kinda rushed, but looking back, there’s a lot of really nice, subtle hints here and there.

Fulton: steps onto the ice

Everyone else: [fear]

Adam: no fear

Phillip: my son would rather not play than play for your team

Adam: one fear

Charlie: gets checked really badly by Adam

Charlie: opposes Adam joining the team

Also Charlie once Adam arrives: On behalf of the Ducks, I’d like to say welcome—

Charlie’s just so sweet and charming- talking to Gordon about his past, trying to set him up with his mom-

Karp should really learn not to insult people’s mothers-

Ducksworth doing a complete 180 in personality (GORDON’S COMEBACK, WHAT A LEGEND)

Peter and Terry, my underrated legends

Not to be dramatic, but Adam and Charlie’s first hug on the ice was SO sweet. Charlie really said, “well SOMEONE’S gotta be here for this guy, it might as well be me.”

Charlie being an absolute champ and trying to set up Gordon with his mother

That one Hawk just smirking maliciously at poor Adam- what’s your problem, man??

“What’d you do?” “My job.” SIR, YOU’RE TEN

JESSE AND ADAM SOLIDARITY!! ADAM PATTING CHARLIE AND GUY AS HE’S CARTED OFF

FULTON REALLY SAID WOMEN HAVE RIGHTS AND MCGILL DOES N O T

Fuck, man, Gordon’s encouragement to Charlie before the penalty shot makes me so happy

Casey and Gordon: kiss

Charlie: :O

Joshua Jackson and Vincent LaRusso for some odd reason: we are going to exchange touches that are so goddamn tender

[inthedayswhenlandswerefew]

But You Can Never Leave [Chapter 2: Accept The Fucking Offer]

Series summary: You are an overwhelmed and disenchanted nurse in Boston, Massachusetts. Queen is an eccentric British rock band you’ve never heard of. But once your fates intertwine in the summer of 1974, none of your lives will ever be the same...

This series is a work of fiction, and is (very) loosely inspired by real people and events. Absolutely no offense is meant to actual Queen or their families.

Song inspiration: Hotel California by The Eagles.

Chapter warnings: Language.

Link to chapter list (and all my writing) HERE

Taglist: @queen-turtle-boiii​ @loveandbeloved29​ @killer-queen-xo​ @maggieroseevans​ @imnotvibingveryguccimrstark​ @im-an-adult-ish​ @queenlover05​ @someforeigntragedy​ @imtheinvisiblequeen​ @joemazzmatazz​ @seven-seas-of-ham-on-rhye​ @namelesslosers​ @inthegardensofourminds​ @deacyblues​ @youngpastafanmug​

The floor is quiet. Your patients—all except one—are sound asleep and mercifully keeping their call buttons at a distance. Patricia is camped out in the nurses’ station at the other end of the hall, chomping noisily on sunflower seeds and wailing along to Tammy Wynette on her portable radio. Queen is enjoying their fourth late-night picnic of the week. You close the door and check your watch; you have seven minutes left before your break ends.

“Let’s kill her,” Freddie suggests casually, hanging his smoldering cigarette out of the open window.

“You know that’s extremely bad for you.”

“What? Committing felonies?”

“I don’t think you’d do well in prison, Fred,” Roger says, popping a Cheeto into his mouth. “No sequined leotards. No cats.”

“Smoking,” you correct. “Smoking is extremely bad for you.”

Freddie takes a drag, exhales a fog of smoke, and grins at you beneath gleaming sunglasses. “Possibly. But darling, the aesthetic is divine. And you’ll take care of me if I get sick, won’t you? Ensure I get all the best drugs, procure new lungs for me on the black market?”

Brian rolls his eyes and nibbles a violet plum, then gestures for John to pass him a napkin as juice dribbles down his stubbled chin. John flaps the napkin just outside of Brian’s reach, yanking it away each time Brian swipes. Roger snickers, observing their exchange from his place on the floor, before eventually advising John to have mercy. Brian snatches the napkin and promptly whips John across the face with it.

“So now you have me committing felonies,” you tell Freddie with a smile.

“Keeps things spicy.” Freddie peers over at you, brow crinkled, studying you like an abstract painting. “Do you like your job, dear?”

Brian groans. “Fred, please, don’t interrogate her—”

“I’m not interrogating, I’m inquiring—!”

“It’s fine, seriously, Bri, it’s fine,” you say. Brian raises his hands in surrender. His coloring has improved, he’s gained five pounds, he’s being discharged tomorrow. Then Queen will be whisked across the Atlantic back to London...and that’s a truth you’re struggling to grasp. “I love what I do. Just not necessarily where I do it.”

Freddie nods, puffing on his cigarette. “Because of Nurse Queen of the Underworld.”

“Not just her.” You can remember being a child and worshiping at the altar of familiarity: your home, that old maroon Queen Anne-style house at the intersection of Apple Avenue and Arcadia Street; inhaling New England autumns; burying yourself in your mother’s soft, cream-colored knit sweaters that were dusted with the scents of homemade pies and Chanel No. 5; the creaks of that uneven, tobacco-stained wood floor of your father’s study beneath your bare feet. Whatever existed outside of your comfortable, commonplace universe—whatever monsters or treasures or undiscovered ringed planets dwelled there—held no interest for you at all. You wanted to live here, die here, raise your own family here, take your children to play under the same weeping willows in the Public Green that your grandparents had met beneath. And then one day, in the purging heat of the summer after your sophomore year of college...you woke up and realized that all those comforting things suddenly felt like a cage, that your fingers were threading bars made of your family and your friends and every grain of soil in Boston. Patricia is dreadful, of course, and has been since you arrived at Massachusetts General nine months ago; but she’s not what you’re running from. “It’s this hospital, it’s this city, it’s Boston. I was born here and I cherish it, don’t get me wrong, but I want to see the world. Mountains and lakes and cathedrals and castles and...and...you know. All the rest.”

“That’s how I felt about Cornwall when I was a kid,” Roger confesses. “I’d take my little acoustic guitar out into the backyard and look up at the sky as I played and think, ��Is this really it? Am I ever going to get beyond all this to something more?’”

“Yes, yes, well no one asked for your autobiography, blondie,” Freddie quips. Roger chuckles, entirely unoffended. “Continue, dear.”

You think before you respond. When you do speak, it comes out heavier than you mean it to, more serious, more pained, whispered, your voice splintering. “I guess I just don’t want to die without really living first.”

The boys watch you for a while: Brian poised and pondering, Freddie seeking, Roger empathetic, John very quiet. John has spoken—at the absolute most—five words to you since you’ve met him; but you know he can get chatty with Freddie or Rog on occasion, and so you’ve held out hope that you can still win him over. Now you’re almost out of time.

At last, Roger raises his beer, smiling, showing the tiny points of his canine teeth. “Cheers to that.” And it sends something through you like a one-way ticket into a brand new world.

You laugh nervously. “Okay. Wow. Enough of all that, I have to go save lives now.” You wash your hands in the sink and pull on a new pair of gloves, dodging Roger’s large, affecting eyes.

“Do you have a boyfriend, lovely Clara Barton?” Freddie asks. They know your actual name, they’ve known it since night one, but they’ve taken to referring to you as whatever famous nurses they can recall from high school.

“Freddie,” Brian admonishes.

“What, I’m just asking—”

“No, actually, I don’t,” you tell Fred. “Why, do you want a Green Card?”

“Darling, no offense, but if I was going to marry for strategic purposes I would aim for someone far older and astronomically richer. With life insurance.”

“Thanks, Freddie.”

“You’re quite welcome.”

“Are you single? Since we’re all sharing our life stories.”

“I’m not,” he replies, somewhat cagily. “None of us are. Well, Brian certainly isn’t, and Deaky wasn’t last I checked, although he’s tricksy and awfully quiet about the whole affair, so I ought to confirm that at some point...how about you, Rog?”

Roger chokes on his beer and wipes his dripping nose with one fuchsia sleeve. “Uh, I, uh, yeah, yeah, uh, I’m single. Yes.”

“Oh?” Brian says, eyebrows raised. “Someone should probably inform Josephine.”

“That’s a casual thing. Super casual. Not exclusive.”

Freddie and Brian exchange a glance: an amused, smirking, what else can you expect from Roger? glance. You try to smirk at Roger too; but he shrugs guiltily, endearingly, with some mesmerizing spell of danger and innocence and wildness and beauty, angels and demons that you didn’t know could coexist without clubbing each other to death. And you mean to file this away as a warning, a reminder to keep your distance; but it feels more like blowing on embers until they leap into flames.

Bad idea, lady. Really, really, really, exorbitantly bad idea.

“Alright, I’m out. Brian, you have the call button if you need it. There’re extra cups and napkins in the cabinet and—”

You open the door. Patricia is halfway down the hallway and approaching quickly, glinting-eyed, stone-faced, keys grasped in her hand. A glimpse at your watch informs you that your break ended two minutes ago. You swing the door shut.

“Get out!” you whisper urgently, and Roger bolts for the window. He pitches his beer outside and helps John climb through the opening and drop safely to the ground below.

“Fred!” Roger hisses, waving, and he lowers Freddie out of the window next as you kick snack wrappers and empty bottles beneath Brian’s hospital bed. Bri smooths his blankets, turns off his lamp, shakes the peanuts out of his hair that John lobbed there. You rush to Roger as you hear keys rattling against the door.

“Here, I’ll help you...” Without thinking, you take his hands as he hesitates in the open window and steady him as he crawls out. You can see Freddie and John down in the darkness, reaching up to catch Roger when he falls. A sudden wave of mourning grips you. I’m never going to see them again. “Bye,” you say, without any cleverness at all. But Roger smiles like it’s the best thing he’s heard in weeks, maybe months, maybe ever. He glances to where your hands hold his.

“Bye,” he replies in that raspy, radiant voice. And then he’s gone.

You sigh shakily. You turn around. Patricia stands in the open doorway.

“Oh,” she says, grinning like a shark, almost gloating. “You are so fired.”

~~~~~~~~~~

“We’re sorry, we’re so sorry, you have no idea how—”

“It’s fine, Roger.”

You’re standing under a lamppost just beyond hospital property at 7:15 a.m. Your shift is over, your very last shift at Massachusetts General; Roger waited outside to meet you all night. There are swollen shadows beneath his eyes, his cheeks are flushed with fury and mortification, he’s edgy and pacing and chain smoking. The sun is bright and already hot, the Arctic terns cawing and swooping overhead.

“It’s not fucking fine,” he flares. “We got you fired—”

“Roger, I was miserable there. I was jaded and complacent and I felt trapped, I felt like I was standing in cement, I felt like I was suffocating and I didn’t know how to bail myself out of it or how to explain any of this to my parents. But now...thanks to Queen...I’m free. I got the shock I needed. I can move on.”

“You didn’t deserve to leave like that,” he insists menacingly. “That bitch isn’t going to write you recommendations. You were good at what you did, you were really fucking good, Brian was despondent before you took over. You deserved better.”

You shrug. “Life’s not fair, Rog.”

“That’s the truth.” He takes a drag off his cigarette and you hold out your hand. He stares at you, perplexed, but passes the cigarette. You smoke a few puffs, then give it back. Roger smiles. “I thought that was extremely bad for you.”

“Most of the best things are.”

“Well.” He shuffles his feet anxiously. “I have a proposition.”

“Yeah?”

“Since you’ve successfully untethered yourself from all your unfulfilling earthly obligations...come to London with us.”

You feel your jaw fall open, feel all the tension in your muscles unravel as the numb shock rolls through you. “Uh. I was thinking maybe the Peace Corps or joining a travel nursing agency or something.”

Roger winks and nudges your shoulder with his. “Transatlantic flights to London count as travel.”

“That’s...accurate...”

“No, seriously!” Rog presses. “Look, every time a band tours, the company hires a medic or a nurse to go with them. They stitch up busted faces, sanitize infected tattoos, prevent us from dying of alcohol poisoning, ice knocked-out teeth until we can get to a dentist, the works. We’re going to be recording as much as possible in London, but Brian will be on bed rest for most of the next few months. You can take care of him. Keep his spirits up. You’re good at that. We’ll all chip in to pay you if the company won’t, Freddie and John have already agreed to it and I know Brian will as soon as I ask. Then, when we inevitably go on tour again...you can be our travel nurse.” He grins confidently, electrifyingly, like he’s figured out all of life’s thorniest questions.

“Rog, I really appreciate the offer, but...uh...this is really too much, and I have no travel nurse experience whatsoever, and...and...look, you are all really talented, I mean that, but you have some seriously chaotic energy and I’m not sure global fame is in the cards for Queen—”

Roger interrupts you brusquely. “You said you love what you do. So you like taking care of people, right?”

“I do, yeah.”

“And you want to see the world.”

“Absolutely.”

“And you think we’re fun, don’t you? Exciting? Audacious? Reckless enough to keep you busy with the fallout of frequent near-death experiences?”

“That sounds about right.”

“So...” He waggles his blond eyebrows. “Come with us.”

You look up into the mid-June sky, as blue and churning as the Boston Harbor, and try to imagine it: packing your suitcase (you really don’t need to bring all that much), digging your passport out of your jewelry box (you know exactly where it is), telling your parents that you’re jetting off to Europe the next day (they would accept it, maybe they’d even be proud; you’d finally be striking out on your own), renting some cheap little apartment in London (you have enough savings to get you started).

“Accept the offer,” Roger says.

“I really don’t think—”

“Accept the offer.”

“—I just couldn’t impose like that, I mean you’re not making any money yet and—”

“Accept the offer.”

“—You guys shouldn’t feel like you owe me this just because I happened to—”

Roger cradles your face with rough hands, gazes fixedly into your eyes, and smiles blindingly. “Love,” he says. “Accept. The fucking. Offer.”

Bad idea, terrible idea, literally the worst idea in the history of human civilization.

“Okay,” you reply softly.

“Okay, like, for real okay?”

“Yeah.” And entirely against your will, you break into a grin. This is the start of the rest of my life. This is the graveyard of familiarity.

“Yes!” Roger cheers. He takes your left hand, raises it to his lips, bites you lightly across the knuckles: some feral, ludicrously on-brand vision of Roger as a Disney hero. I’m the Lady and he’s the Tramp. I’m Sleeping Beauty and he’s the Prince who’s going to finally wake me up, even if it means slaughtering a dragon or two.

“Cute,” you say sarcastically. But, actually, it sort of is.

“Can I walk you home?” Roger asks. “You live around the corner, right? I can help you pack. Oh, wait, maybe I should shower first, I don’t want your parents to see me like this...I am a literal ashtray...my hair is ridiculous...I think I still have some eyeliner on...is the fuchsia jacket too much...?”

You watch Roger as he scrutinizes himself fretfully, his words fading out of the picture, the world becoming a silent film. You can’t look away. If Brian’s a willow tree and Freddie’s a lightning storm, what is Roger? Wildfire, you decide.

He follows you through breezy, shaded Boston streets to the house at the intersection of Apple and Arcadia, with the solemn promise that he can borrow your shower and an old pair of gym shorts. You know he’ll charm your parents instantly, that they’ll fall in love with him. Everyone does.

When you look down at your left hand, there’s a vanishing silhouette of a bruise where he bit you; and if you really think about it you can feel that it still burns.

[dicktoo]

wednesday – march 24, 2021

woke up with a headache I don't deserve, a problem I can't solve, a cat yacking in my shoe

fixed coffee and searched on my tablet for  what do you do if you don't have a birth certificate – doesn't look good – hello Dark Web – probably have a week at best – M says she can mock one up, might work – rooster

nothing to fix for breakfast – went down to the Pioneer Pic-n-Pay – teenage guards laughing at something on a phone, waved me through, AKs not secured – dead cat in the road, been shot – parking lot filled with alternative motorized vehicles, loiterers working on various lacing strategies – next to the ammo display there's one box of donuts left, cake, prefer yeast, also got a quart of milk with today's date (best they had)

milk makes M burp, she always says  get down garbage   makes me laugh, says her mother always said it but in Bosniak (rough translation  I vomit all I no longer need) – we will eat the donuts and drink the milk and M will vomit all that she no longer needs – I will laugh

Kevin stopped by right before lunch – he has a knack – wanted to talk about Oscar and Gerri – blinds all down, M goes upstairs to get Gerri – she's pale, you can see she's still been crying – fixed us lunch, Campbell's Tomato Soup and saltines, we all had a beer except Gerri – rooster crowed in a tree close, everybody thinking Joe Tammy Button – Kevin yells  CROW – like he burped it

helicopter low over the house – look through the blinds – massive Motoswarm pulling into the cul-de-sac, Parcham steps out of a new Escalade, Wolfy's off-leash  

Parchman  to myself but everybody hears

M runs Gerri up the stairs – he knocks   good afternoon, so sorry to disturb but I have returned with legal authorization  holds up a paper   may I come in now   doesn't wait for permission, Wolfy sniffing for somewhere to mark, fucking Petey all stern, Tableroni the guy who leaves his christmas decorations up all year – the best that I can do is stutter – I hear her screaming before I see her coming down the stairs a banshee, she has the gun – Kevin yells  DEATH  – slo-mo – M fires, hits Wolfy in the back, monster shriek, he keeps trying to get up but can't, just smearing the floor – she fires a second, hits the doorjamb, splinters fly, someone is going to have to fix that, Parchman is drawing his pistol, I try to grab his arm, miss, he fires, explosion in my chest, I'm falling, there's a physics that explains my body’s yaw, Parchman fires a second, mid-spin I see M's head jerk back, a splatter on the wall – feel my body bounce, a wetness in my shoe, rooster crowing

head towards the window, Mockingbird lights on a branch, flies off, I follow

sleep

[zigbaby-blog]

AU: Bad Boys | Part 3

Book: His

Characters: The Freshmen

Pairing: Zig x MC (Eunice)

Summary: The dinner with their new neighbour finally came. In a turn of events, that neighbour became Eunice’s knight in shining armor.

Warning: Slight mention of rape

Dustin was her high school lover, but he was always on-and-off with her. Being one of the troublemakers in school, his playboy attitude won him hearts easily. He often hung out with different girls and Eunice convinced herself that he would always come back to her. However, showing up drunk and uninvited at her door wasn’t one she would put up with.

He wrapped his arms around Eunice and pulled her close to his chest. Clothed in a light denim vest with tshirt underneath, his breath reeked of cheap whiskey. Gross, he stinks.

He could barely stand straight as he tried to make his way into the house.

“Dustin- I never invited you. Why are you here, drunk?” Eunice asked, standing frozen at the entrance.

“You look hot as hell, babe. Let’s make out,” his mischievous grin revealed the dirty thoughts in his head.

“This isn’t a good time. My family has guests over, you can’t be here!” Her mind flooded with tons of questions and uncertainty. But she was sure she couldn’t just leave him outside in that state.

As she adjusted his shirt, Tammy came around the corner meeting both of them on the way. She lifted one of her brow and glanced at Eunice, jerking her head at the unfamiliar person. Dustin then winked at Tammy, letting out a soft whistle.

“Don’t hit on my sister!” Eunice muttered in disbelief, using a single finger to poke into his chest.

“This is gonna be so much fun,” Tammy giggled, “that’s your friend right? Here, I’ll bring him in.” She grabbed him by his hand and rushed him towards the dining room.

“No, wait! Don’t bring him there!” Before Eunice can get the words out of her mouth, Tammy dragged him in and announced his presence to everyone. Dustin stood speechless, appalled at the unexpected situation.

Fuck. Eunice dashed in and felt all the eyes on her, especially her mother’s. “This is Dustin, and this is... everybody. That’s right, Dustin’s just about to leave.” Her face turned pale in embarrassment while Zig lowered his half-hooded eyes questioningly and observed the circumstance.

Eunice tried to yank Dustin out of the dining room but his drunk body was too heavy for her. Mr. Ortega rolled in on a discussion with Dustin to break the tension. Dustin could barely answer in his slurred language as he clamped his arms around Eunice, while Zig stared daggers at the couple.

“So... you and Eunice are friends at school?” Zig broke the silence.

“Well... kinda. Eunice’s my girlfriend,” Dustin answered sheepishly, leaning his weight against her.

The awkwardness became unbearable. “Hah. I’m his friend who happens to be a girl, not girlfriend. Just friend.” Eunice emphasized as her mom gave her a terrible look of anguish. She hurriedly changed the topic and dragged Dustin to the bathroom, whom was so plastered that he can barely keep his balance.

———

Now stuck alone in the bathroom with Dustin, he started laying his hands all over Eunice, pawing her breasts. He had always tried to make moves on her, but she was certain she doesn’t want her first time to be in a rush.

“Dustin, my parents are in the dining room!” Eunice pushed him away.

“Then let them be. I don’t care,” Dustin responded, fighting his way to her neck. He shoved his hands down her pants and against her will, began to rub her clit. Despite her constant pleas to stop, he refused.

“Shut up and just let me do it fast,” Dustin snarled, his face turning red from annoyance and outrage.

The bathroom suddenly transformed into a warzone as the both of them struggled with each other. Eunice tried to keep the noise down, yet amidst her soft purrs of resistance, Dustin pinned her against the wall. He hastily ripped of her panties while she wiggled her body, trying to escape from his grip. Tears welled up in her fearful eyes as she begged him to stop, but Dustin was nowhere near giving up at this point.

He spreaded Eunice’s legs wide open and rubbed his hand hard against her core. He pulled down his pants, which his distinct boner could be seen through his boxers. While he kept stroking her inner parts, he inched closer to her, making her feel his rock hard crotch.

“Please, Dustin,” Eunice wailed, her anxiousness of being caught by her parents worsen. “You’re hurting me, don’t do this. I’m begging you.”

“Stop struggling, that’s why it hurts. You want to be my girlfriend, this is what it’s gonna be like.” He tightened his grip on her wrists.

All of a sudden, someone could be heard opening the door and a strong punch was thrown into Dustin’s face. She turned her head towards his, while he laid on the ground with bloodied lips. Her mind couldn’t process what happened until she saw the knight who came to her rescue.

“Are you okay, Eunice?” Zig looked endearingly into her tear-filled eyes, not paying attention to her half naked bottom.

She gasped, glancing down at her lower part and swiftly pulling up her jeans. The fear of being caught settled in as she mumbled her words. “I- um- yeah, what are you doing here?”

“You were gone for a while, so I came to check on you,” Zig replied as if he hadn’t witnessed anything, in a way to keep her calm.

Her heart pounded faster as she watched blankly at Dustin who didn’t seemed to move. “He was just drunk... I could barely recognize him.”

“I don’t care how drunk he was, that doesn’t give him the right to force himself on you,” rage began hitting Zig as he peered down on the guy’s unbuckled pants on the tiled floor.

Just then, Eunice’s mother shouted for her from the kitchen. In a bid to prevent anyone else to come, she screamed back, “Nothing- my friend just fell!”

At the same moment, Dustin woke up, barely conscious. Zig lifted him up to his feet. Dustin couldn’t make out what happened, hence Zig took the chance to diffuse the situation. “You fell, buddy. Eunice asked me to help you up, end of the deal.”

Zig coughed and warned, “be careful where you put your hands next time. You put them in the wrong place again, you’ll fall much harder and you wouldn’t understand what hit you.”

“Zig!” Eunice called out, her mind in a whirlwind. She urgently pushed Dustin out the bathroom, demanding him to leave while she returned to the table.

After dinner, her dad and Mr. Ortega left in the direction of the living room. Dad signaled for her to join them, with a little smirk. The three of them sat down on the couch and made small chit-chats, mostly around her life. Her curiousity got the better of her as she began to ask about Zig, and Mr. Ortega revealed that all Zig does was to ride his motorcycle and be around girls. Figured, he’s a player.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Mr. Ortega continued, “when he sets his mind onto something, he’s just like a shark. He’ll keep chasing it until he gets whatever he wants.” The conversation went on as he mentioned the achievements Zig had so to not ruin his image in their new neighbour’s head. “But- well... he got into an accident last year and hasn’t been passionate about anything since then.”

Hmm. There’s more to him than meets the eye.

———

Half an hour passed before Eunice could leave the men to their beer. She entered the kitchen to find her mother enjoying a glass of wine with Mrs. Ortega, while Zig was washing the dishes. As she made her way to strike a conversation with him, the words that Mr. Ortega said replayed in her mind. Sometimes when a person has a tough exterior, it’s because they’re a big softie inside.

While Zig talked about giving Eunice’s mom a break, her mom began making sarcastic remarks about her own children. As if he could sense the latent hostility, he rapidly came to Eunice’s defense. Knowing her mother, Eunice decided to exit the room before all hells gone loose in the presence of their guests.

Ignoring the comments, she stormed out of the kitchen but Zig ran up and caught her gently by the arm.

A wave of sadness seeped in as she stood there, without retracting her hand. “Did you hear what she said? She’s so mean to me, and she hates me. I didn’t-“

Zig stayed to console her, assuring that he’s there for her. As she calmed down, she climbed up the staircase and noticed the lights of her room were switched on. She entered with Zig following behind, and that’s when the scene of Dustin and Tammy kissing like two lions on her bed appeared.

Eunice cringed at the sight of them and immediately turned tails and ran. Dustin sauntered away without any guilt.

“You want me to go kick their asses?” Zig smirked, cracking his knuckles.

She knew they weren’t worthy and retreated back to her room to make sure they were gone. She slouched against the legs of her bed on the floor, while Zig squatted by her side. His constant politeness came as a surprise when she least expected. He confessed that he saw something special in her, and it wasn’t out of sympathy. He was the sort to fight for others, even though he’s quite a danger himself.

“I’m worried about your safety, and I’ll make sure you don’t get hurt by that asshole or anyone else,” Zig reaffirmed Eunice, with a light pat on her shoulder. He leaned in to her and reached into her back pocket, retrieving her phone and saved his number into her contacts list.

“Here, you have my number now and on speed dial,” Zig returned her phone, grinning. “Whenever you’re in trouble, call me right away.”

Eunice had asked to repay him, yet his form of repayment was to protect her instead. She stared at him in astonishment, words not quite forming. She questioned his motive for handling that responsibility, especially when they barely know each other. He leaned in and whispered a secret in her ear, “I’d go to the end of the world for the one I love.”

Zig smiled and licked the bottom of his lips, strolling out of her bedroom. Eunice was left alone with her thoughts that night, as she recalled everything that happened.

[harajukuhowell]

losing a life (to gain another)

Summary: Dan’s a ghost and a bit of a cock block but Phil likes him anyways.

Wordcount: 11,200

Genre: Fluff & Angst

Warnings (spoilers): homophobia, brief mentions of child abuse and neglect, cheating

please don’t repost!! :) 

likes and reblogs are appreciated (ᵔᴥᵔ)

Dan hated his parents. They were horrible to him. Ever since he had come back from his best friend, Tammy’s, roller- disco birthday party and had been caught kissing said best friend’s brother, Michael, in his bed, he lost all of his freedom. He was driven too and from school much to his embarrassment (and those who tormented him’s amusement), he wasn't allowed out on the weekends, he wasn't allowed to use the house phone and he definitely wasn't allowed to see Michael. The worst thing for Dan, however, was the new lock on his bed room door and the bars on his bedroom windows. Most teenagers his age would kill to have a lock on their bedroom door; Dan would have as well, if the lock had been normal. The lock wasn't normal, though. His strict Christian parents decided the best way to protect their son from the devil and his misleading ways was to put a lock on his door which locked from the outside. At 8pm every night, his mother would come into his room, ask him if he was normal yet (to which he always replied with an indignant “I’m perfectly normal, I just happen to be gay!”), she would then slam the door and lock it behind her, muttering about how he was the “devils child” and how thankful she was that god gifted her with Dan’s “perfect” and “angelic” little brother.

Dan’s life got completely turned around. The lock and bars on his room were hellish. He could no longer sneak out in the evenings to visit Michael who was the best thing in Dan’s sad, lonely life.

Michael also suffered a lot after they got caught; his father was outraged that his Michael, star of the prestigious school athletics team, was a queer. Even though Dan and Michael could still talk in school, they didn't dare risk it. Their secret relationship was the talk of the town and everyone, friend or foe, felt like spies set against them.

As soon as people found out that Dan and Michael had eyes for each other, they were both outcasted. Dan fell to the very bottom of the social chain and Michael wasn't much higher than him. His best friend, Tammy, tried to keep talking to him but people told her father and he lashed out at her, leaving her with a sore looking black eye. She stopped trying to talk to Dan after that. 

Dan was completely and utterly alone. He tried countless times to talk to his parents but it always ended in either a knock around the head or a recital of some biblical verse. It was no use.

***

Smoke. The unforgivable and undeniable smell of smoke was what awoke Dan. After the smell, he registered the sound of a wailing fire alarm. He coughed and spluttered opening his eyes then immediately closing them again as the pain from the smoke was to great. He reluctantly opened them again seconds later, realising that if smoke was in his room, it probably wasn't the best time to close his eyes. He rushed to the door and rattled the handle but nothing happened. Of course nothing happened, his door was locked from the outside. He then raced to the window, in hopes of climbing out and escaping but no, his windows had bars on them.

It was then that Dan started to really panic.

He was going to die. His house was on fire and there was no escape for him. This was it. Dan ruefully decided to try and open his bed room door one last time in the hope that some sort of miracle would make it open. He reached and tried to turn the doorknob but quickly re coiled thanks to immense heat of. All hope was lost.

His breathing became lighter as he slowly sank to the ground and curled into his knees. Dan tried to listen and see if anyone was coming to save him but the only sounds he was met with were the flames crackling and the fire alarm blaring. Wow Dan thought I knew mum and dad disliked me but letting me burn in a fire? That’s low even for them. He smiled self- deprecatingly. 

His eyes lids began to droop. Distantly he thought he heard someone crying; it sounded vaguely like Michael. Maybe it is Michael! Dan’s drowsy brain supplied. After all, he does live next door… Maybe Michael’s coming to save me! Michael will be my knight in shining armour.  Dan smiled softly. His bedroom door went up in flames.

With the barricade of his door gone the flames became insufferable and Dan slowly felt himself slip from consciousness. Michael’s not coming Dan thought bitterly as he pitifully breathed his final breath.

-40 YEARS LATER-

“Philip, dear! Come and collect your stuff from the van, please!” Mrs Lester called from out side of the car that a grumpy Phil was currently sat in. Fuck his dad. Fuck his stupid promotion. Fuck his new house. Fuck moving.  Fuck-

“Philip! Oh, dear, do take those preposterous earbuds out,” his mother sighed, interrupting his train of thought and opening his car door. “Get up! We’re here!”

“Alright, alright! I’m coming!” he grumbled, clambering out of the car. The smile she sent him was returned with a glare.

“Cheer up, pet. It’s time for a new start. How exciting!” With that she grabbed her suit case and flounced away into the house (not without rubbing Phil’s cheek softly first).

Phil sulked over to the moving van and grabbed his most important suit case (a “take the rest of the stuff up to my room, please” was uttered to the moving men) before he walked up the drive way towards his new house and, consequently, new life.

The house wasn't anything special. It was about the 5th of the size of his old one. The house it self had been built in the 60s but his family had completely re-done the interior thanks to a fire that broke out in the mid 70s. Phil didn't know much about the fire; all he knew was that it had caused a hideous about of damage to the houses interior. It had cost his father a pretty penny to get done up; not that it mattered really, his family could afford it. They weren't rich per say, but they certainly were far from poor.

Phil pulled his suit case up the drive way and made his way into his new house (he refused to say home). His mother was standing in the hall with an awed look on her face and tears in her eyes. “Phil! Look how magnificent it is! It’s exactly as I pictured it; your father couldn't have done a better job.” She smiled but it quickly faded. “Pity he isn't here to see it…”

“Fuck sake, mum! You're acting as if he's dead and not on a bloody business trip.” Phil acted annoyed when in reality he was also upset by his dads absence. He didn't dwell on it.

“Language, Philip,” she reprimanded. “You can go up to your room if you wish. Just go up the stairs at the back of the house, it’s through the door at the top of them.” Phil rolled his eyes when she scolded him but still listened to her none the less and walked to the back of the house to find his room.

The house looked amazing from the inside; incredibly modern. The vibe changed as he got to the back though, he walked into the kitchen and saw the door to the back garden. Just to the right of that door was a stair case. The stair case was straight, long and gave Phil chills. Ignoring the uneasy feeling in his stomach, he walked up the stairs towards his bedroom. The top of the stairs were peculiar. There was nothing more than a door directly at the top of them. Phil cautiously opened it and…

Nothing.

After such suspense, Phil found that opening the door to a perfectly normal room seemed rather… anticlimactic. He was not disappointed with his room though. It was reasonably sized, with a queen sized bed along the wall, a desk, a wardrobe with sliding doors, a sofa and a TV. The only thing that was notable about his new room were the windows. They appeared to have the remains of bars on them. Phil shrugged it off, then dropped his bags by his bed before jumping on it and taking his phone out. No new notifications. Great to know my so called best friends care so much about me Phil thought bitterly. He sighed, laying down and closing his eyes.

**

“Philip!”

Phil groggily opened his eyes at his mothers shrill voice. I must have dozed off  Phil thought. He almost screamed when he started to sit up and saw his mother standing at the bottom of his bed.

“I’ve called your name at least ten times! Dinner’s ready, come and eat with me at the dinner table,” she said firmly.

The black haired boy knew there was no point arguing so he stood up quickly and prepared to follow his mum down the stairs. Once stood up, he swore he saw a figure standing behind his mother but as he tried to get a better look, the figure disappeared. He convinced himself he was just seeing things (thanks to getting up to quickly) and headed down to the kitchen.

The pair sat down and tucked into lamb, mashed sweet potato and carrot and coconut salad. They ate in silence, thinking about what the ‘new start’ would bring them.

After eating, Phil told his mum he was going back to his room and hugged her goodnight. She told him not to stay up to late since he had his first day of school tomorrow. Phil rolled his eyes.

**

It was 2am when Phil’s eyelids finally started to droop and he made the call that he should really get to sleep. He closed his lap top, stood up and stretched. As he stretched he looked into his fully length body mirror and get the fright of his life when he saw someone behind him. He quickly turned to see what it was, only to find nothing there. He turned back to the mirror and saw nothing but his reflection. I definitely need some sleep Phil thought, as he put on his pyjamas and settled down in bed. As he drifted off to sleep he couldn't shake the feeling that he was being watched.

**

Phil woke with a start. He looked up and nearly fainted when he saw the unmistakable silhouette of a human. He rushed to turn on his bedroom light, praying that when he turned it on he would see nothing and would be able to deduct that the figure had just been his sleep deprived brain seeing things in the dark. Unfortunately, when Phil turned back around the person was still there. It was a boy around his age with brown hair and golden brown eyes. He looked angry.

“What the fuck are you doing in my room?” Phil asked, terrified. 

“You’re room?” the boy questioned, voice dangerously low.

“Yes. My room. What are you doing in it?” Phil tried to hold his head high and create an air of confidence around him when in reality he was shaking under his covers; fearing for his life.

“This isn't your room.” The boy spoke slowly.

“Yes it is! I just moved in yesterday!” 

“Leave.”

“What? You can’t just expect me to leave; it’s 4 in the morning!”

“I don’t care what fucking time it is, I want you out.” The boy slowly made his from in front of his door to Phil’s bedside. Phil moved as close to wall as possible to get away from him.

“I didn't even want to come here. I wish I could leave as well, trust me, but I can’t so will you please get the fuck out of my house before I call the police.”

At the mention of the police the boy seemed to sober up and decide to back off. Phil watched cautiously as the boy slowly reversed towards his bedroom door, never breaking eye contact; still glaring. 

**

Waking up the next morning was even worse than usual for Phil. Not only was he starting a new school but he had to figure out whether there had actually been a boy in his room last night or if it had been his half awake (or asleep) brain playing tricks on him. The most irritating thing about the situation for Phil was the fact that the night before he was certain there was someone in his room; there was no way I could of made him up he reasoned. Now, however, he wasn't so sure. Maybe it was some sort of anxiety dream? His nerves for his new school expressing themselves in an unusual way? It was better believing it was fake because if it wasn’t, that meant that someone had broken into his room last night and that someone hadn't been happy with Phil. The thought alone made Phil shudder. 

Phil, rather stupidly, decided not to think about the boy. He had more immediate worries. Like school. He hauled himself out of bed and started searching for his new uniform. Whilst he and his mum were eating dinner the night before, their house keeper had unpacked all of their stuff so Phil didn't need to worry about any of it. Once he had found his new sickly green tie, white shirt and black trousers in his wardrobe, he made his way to the bathroom to get washed and dressed.

**

“Philip! It’s time to leave,” his mother called from the bottom of the stairs.

Phil begrudgingly grabbed his black backpack, that hung low on his back, and made his way to the kitchen.

“I’ve made you some toast. You can eat it in the car.”

Phil grabbed the slightly cold, buttered toast and followed his mother through the house and out the front door.

“Your dad sends his love,” Phil’s mum said as she reversed down their drive way. “He’s sorry he couldn't be here but he wishes you luck for your fist day!” She smiled but it didn't quite reach her eyes.

Phil hummed to let her know he had heard what she had said. He turned away from her, plugged his headphones, letting the dulcet tones of Brendon Urie’s sweet voice sooth him. His mum was radiating nervous energy and it was getting to him. He just needed some time to try and relax before his actual death he arrived at school. 

**

The school was massive. Much bigger than Phil’s old one. People were staring at him, whispering about him. Phil would kill to just climb back into his mums car and drive back home. Not his new house. His old one; his home. He tried his best to ignore the people watching him and stated walking towards the towering, old fashioned doors of the front entrance. Here goes nothing Phil thought.

Phil opened the door and walked into the reception. There were green tapestries on the wall; all embroidered with the school emblem, green chairs and a green carpet (which also adorned the school emblem). The walls were made of dark oak wood, as was the desk where the receptionist sat. The receptionist looked slightly older than Phil. He had blonde hair, golden skin and striking green eyes. He looked up as Phil approached his desk.

“Are you the new student?” he asked, looking bored. Phil noticed the bags under his eyes and was reminded of his own; at least he wasn't the only one who hadn't gotten any sleep the night before.

“Yes,” Phil replied, nervously.

“Philip Lester?”

Phil nodded affirmative, too shy to explain that it was Phil and not Philip.

“Here’s your time table and map of the school grounds. Classes start in five minutes. If you struggle with anything, ask a pupil or teacher for help, everyones lovely.” Phil doubted that. “Enjoy your first day!”

Phil smiled gratefully before turning around and walking through the door that lead into the school’s main corridor. The corridor was buzzing with noise and full of people. Phil felt even more people staring at him as he briskly made his way to his English classroom. A few people pointed and laughed, Phil blushed and looked away.

Phil didn't think he had ever been happier to walk into a classroom. There were a few people already at desks but none of them seemed interested by his presence; only one of them looked up when he walked in and she simply stared at him blankly for a second before looking away.

“Philip Lester?” Phil startled and turned around to face the woman who had called his name. She was tall with short, curly, brown hair, fair skin and grey eyes. She wasn't wearing school uniform which lead Phil to believe she was his teacher. “I’m Miss Andrews, I’ll be your English teacher.” Bingo. “You can take a seat up the back, no one sits at the desk furthest to the right so you may sit there.”

Phil nodded his thanks and walked to his allotted seat. The desks were put together in rows of two facing the front. Phil tried not to worry about who would be sitting next to him. The class started to get busier as it got closer to starting (people who noticed Phil as they walked in gave him small smiles). Eventually, every seat in the class was occupied apart from the one next to Phil. 

Just as the bell went, a boy walked in. He was tall (possibly even talker than Phil) and had wavy, chocolate brown hair that looked soft to touch. His rosé coloured lips were curled up in a lopsided grin, akin to a smirk. His eyes were the colour of freshly watered soil and had stunning green flecks in them, reminding Phil of the first bloom of a beautiful flower. The green flecks were mixed in with golden ones, similar to sunlight. The boy’s eyes made Phil think of Spring. Just as Spring brought life to so many different creatures, the boys eyes brought life to the classroom. The boy was utterly stunning and Phil was rendered speechless. Phil watched as the chocolate haired god weaved through tables and made his way towards the back of the classroom, towards him. 

“Hey,” the boy said as he reached his desk next to Phil’s.

“Hi,” Phil stuttered, slightly star struck.

“I’m Teddy,” the boy smirked, seemingly noticing the effect he had on Phil.

“Phil.”

“Nice to meet you, Phil. I’m sure you'll fit right in.” Teddy’s smirked widened making Phil blush and look away. Teddy laughed softly, smiling at Phil. Phil dared to look back at him and matched Teddy’s smile. He was even more beautiful up close.

**

“Hey, Phil!” Phil had just left the english classroom and was about to start searching for the gym hall. He turned and looked back into the classroom at the call of his name. It was Teddy. “What have you got next? I’ll walk you to your class.”

His offer brought a smile to Phil’s face. “I’ve got PE.”

Teddy’s smile grew. “Who’s your teacher?”

“Mr. Russell.”

Teddy’s smile grew even wider (Phil didn't think that was possible considering how big it had already been). “Same. Come on, lets go.” 

Teddy walked out of the English classroom and started walking down the corridor, heading the opposite way Phil had been originally going. Phil was quick to follow his so he didn't get lost.

The walk to the PE hall wasn't long; it was at the other end of the corridor and down some stairs. The pair didn't talk on the walk but they did occasionally steal glances at each other and would blush whenever the other caught them looking.

“Boys!” someone shouted as they walked in. “You’re late.” Phil looked up and found an angry looking man in sports uniform; their PE teacher. He was thin but muscly and had a receding hair line. Their class mates watched in delight as they got shouted at. Phil recoiled slightly at the attention.

“Sorry, sir. Phil’s new and I had to help him get to class,” Teddy spoke for them, unaffected by everyones stares.

“You’ve got two minutes to get changed. Any longer than that and your doing laps.”

Teddy grabbed Phil’s wrist and hurriedly dragged him into the changing rooms. The quickly pulled out their PE kits and started getting changed. Phil blushed when Teddy took his top off; he was really fucking toned. Teddy laughed as Phil paused his actions making Phil blush (he felt like all he had done since he met Teddy was blush.)

They ran back into the PE hall giggling with flushed faces causing a few people to raise their eyebrows. Mr. Russell nodded at the boys to acknowledge that he had seen them, before gathering everyone up and instructing them to do four laps of the hall as a warm up.

**

“Fucking, hell,” Phil moaned, sweat dripping form his forehead. “PE’s bloody impossible in this school.” He was walking out of the PE hall with Teddy who was smiling at him. Teddy’s arm was slung around Phil’s neck; apparently he wasn't bothered about Phil being a sweaty mess. They had been doing vigorous fitness and Phil felt like he was about to keel over.

“It’s not that bad,” Teddy laughed. 

“Yeah, okay, Mr. Six Pack.” Phil rolled his eyes, a soft smile adorning his lips.

“Been staring at my abs have you?” Teddy smirked.

Phil blushed and looked away.

“I’m only joking,” Teddy spoke sweetly, nudging Phil and smiling gently. “Come one, lets go get changed.”

** Phil didn't share another classes with Teddy for the rest of the day but he had met up with him at lunch. Phil had also spoken to some people in his other classes but nobody was really memorable or seemed to connect with him; not like Teddy. At the end of the day, Teddy met Phil at the school gates and gave him his phone number before leaving with the promise of seeing him tomorrow. Phil smiled the whole walk back to his house.

Phil’s mum wasn't in when he got back so he headed into the kitchen and got a snack before heading up to his room. He collapsed onto his bed with a thud and took out his phone finding that he had a notification saying he had a text; a rare occurrence for Phil.

He quickly unlocked his phone and felt a smile engulf his face as he saw who the text was from.

hey phil, it’s teddy. is it weird that i miss you already? it probably is. anyway hi!! i hope this is the right number other wise this is gonna be awkward haha. xx

Phil quickly typed out a response.

hi! yeah, this is phil lol. i miss you 2 XD. xx

**

Phil texted Teddy until the early hours of the morning (only stopping to have dinner with his mum; she never allowed phones at the dinner table). Phil finally stopped texting Teddy when Teddy said he had to get to bed. Phil begrudgingly decided he better head off as well.

He stripped down to his boxer shorts and climbed under his bed covers. Phil fell asleep smiling; thoughts of Teddy filling his unconscious mind. The boy from the night before completely forgotten.

**

Phil, once again, woke with a start. A quick glance at his bedside clock told him it was 3:37 AM.

“You're still here?”

Phil jumped at the voice. Just like the night before, there was a boy, the same boy, standing by Phil’s bed. Phil tried to take the situation in his stride. Something about the boy was calming almost, as if he meant no harm. The black haired boy tried to ignore the fact that the boy had most likely broken into his house. Twice.

“Yeah and I wont be leaving any time soon,” Phil replied, Teddy at the forefront of his mind; his newfound reason for staying.

“Damn, I thought last night would have scared you off.” The boy pouted. He looks cute when he doesn’t look like he wants me dead Phil thought What is it with Dawnshire and cute boys?

“Well if it’s any consolation, I was terrified. Mind telling me why you're here and how you got in my room?”

“Hmm, I think that’s a story I’ll save for another day.”

“Right, well I’m going back to sleep now.” Phil lay back down.

“Oh, okay.”

“Goodbye- Sorry I didn't catch your name.”

“Dan. My names Dan.”

“I’m Phil.”

“Well, Phil,” Dan drawled. “Since you aren't leaving, I will. For now at least. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Dan,” Phil yawned, closing his eyes.

**

Phil was quick to get out of bed the next day; he couldn't wait to see more of Teddy. His mum was shocked when she came down to make herself breakfast, only to find Phil already there making breakfast for the pair of them. After eating, they were quick to leave (at Phil’s request).

He texted Teddy on the way to school.

u at school yet? -p.l x

no. I'm on my way tho. be there in 5 -t.h x

sameee, c u soon haha -p.l x

When Phil’s mum rolled up in front of the school gates, Phil saw Teddy already leaning against them. He hastily said goodbye to his mum before jumping out the car and walking over to Teddy.

“Phil!” Teddy said running up to him. “How are you?”

“Hey, Teddy.” Phil smiled. “I’m good. What about you?”

“Fucking tired, man. I stayed up really late texting people.”

“Oh? I thought you said you had to go to bed at, like, 10 last night? That’s when we stopped talking?” Phil asked sceptically.

Teddy looked nervous before he started laughing albeit slightly nervously. “Yeah, that’s late for me. I’m not really a night person.”

Phil had only know Teddy a day, so he couldn't really tell properly, but he was almost positive Teddy was lying. He decided to let it pass, after all, they had only just met and Teddy was in no way obliged to tell Phil anything he didn't want to.

“Come on, let’s get to class.”

**

“How was school?”

“Jesus, Dan!” Phil exclaimed as the brown haired boy surprised him by being in his room. “What are you doing here?!”

“Hmm… Don’t really want to answer that question.” Dan smirked. “How about you answer mine?”

“It was fine, thanks for asking. Now can you please leave?” Phil sounded exasperated, even to his own ears.

“But I’m bored and I can’t go anywhere else.” 

“How about you go home.”

“This is my home,” Dan rebutted, eyebrows furrowed.

“No it isn’t, we’ve been through this.”

“Yes it is, Phil! I literally can’t go anywhere else but here!”

“What, you some sort of ghost or something?”

Dan stayed silent.

“You don't actually expect me to believe that you’re a ghost do you? That’s crazy!”

“Phil, listen-”

“No, you listen. Get out of my house and stop coming back uninvited. This isn't some funny stunt; it’s just annoying. I don't appreciate you-”

Phil’s rant was interrupted by the door slamming. He looked over and found that Dan was scowling over at it.

“This seriously isn't funny, Dan. I don’t know how you did that but I know you should stop. It’s freaking me out.”

Dan’s expression didn't change but his line of vision did. Instead of staring at the door he focused on Phil’s bedside lamp and in seconds the bulb shattered causing Phil to yelp and jump away. Crazy as it may seem, Phil was starting to believe Dan.

“Please, Phil. I may be a ghost but I’m not a liar.”

“How is this possible?” Phil sat down on his bed.

“I died in a fire. In this house, in this room actually. My parents weren't very accepting of the fact that I was gay so they put bars on my bedroom windows and a lock on my door. When the fire started I was done for; I had no way out. Sometimes I’m half convinced that they were the ones who started it. You know, on purpose, to get rid of me. Not that it matters now.”

“Why are you, like, alive then?”

“Charming.” Dan rolled his eyes.

“I didn't mean it like that.” Phil sighed. “Why?” 

Dan shrugged before saying “My death was unjust, I've been given another chance to do the one thing I always wanted to do when I was alive.”

“Oh? And that is?”

“Come on, we’ve had enough questions about my death and why I’m here and shit. How about I show you some my ghost abilities.”

“Abilities?”

“Yes, Phil. Abilities. Come on, keep up.”

“Sorry, I just didn’t think you'd have any.”

“Don’t you think I’ve suffered enough to deserve powers?”

“Sorry.” Phil looked bashful.

“I’m only messing with you, loosen up.” Phil didn’t. “Watch this.” And with that, Dan disappeared.

“Dan where are you?” Phil asked as he got off his bed and started searching for Dan.

“Boo.” Suddenly, Dan appeared right in front of Phil’s face causing Phil the scream and flail before falling to the ground, landing on his butt.

“Dan! You scared me!” Phil announced, outraged.

“Sorry!” Dan said between laughs.

“You’re hilarious,” Phil drawled, as he hauled himself off the ground. 

“Lighten up, Philip!” Dan exclaimed, grabbing Phil’s hands.

“Don’t call me Philip.”

“Sorry, Phildred.” Dan winked.

“What else can you do then?”

“Well, I can walk through walls, control stuff with my mind and apparently I can easily read people but I’ve never tried.”

“How come?”

“You’re the first person to live here since I died.”

“Oh.” There was a slightly awkward silence before Phil asked Dan if he could fly.

“Obviously not. I mean, really, Phil? Be realistic.” Dan smirked at Phil’s exasperated look.

Phil spoke to Dan for the whole evening, only stopping to eat tea. Dan showed Phil more of his abilities and Phil showed Dan some of his video games which Dan was convinced were the work of a witch or some other dark sorcerer.

Dan’s presence was an appreciated one. The pair, ironically, got on like a house on fire. Despite how cliche it sounded, something about Dan made Phil feel like he had know him forever. Phil spent most of the evening smiling, happy to be in Dan’s company. He was so content that he didn't check his phone (which had several missed messages from Teddy on it) once. ** Phil fell into a routine. He would spend his days with Teddy and his evenings with Dan and on the weekends he would either go out with Teddy or stay home watching movies with Dan. He was content. He had made some other friends at school but he only spoke to them in classes that he didn't share with Teddy.

Phil liked his routine. His life at his past school, Somerset School of Fine Arts, had been turbulent and it was difficult to get to grips with everything changing all the time but Phil tried his best to tolerate it never the less. His friends at his Somerset had been unreliable and untrustworthy; nothing like Teddy or Dan. Phil loved how he knew that with Teddy everything would be perfect, no cross words would be said between the two of them and he could just trust him wholly. Phil, however, also loved how he knew that with Dan he could be himself, never stop smiling, exchange small mean comments that were nothing but banter. All that, in it self, was it’s own kind of perfect.

Phil loved his routine, but he was also okay with it changing slightly and that was why he was walking home after school hand in hand with Teddy, both of them giggling their arses off.

“You’re parents aren't home, right?” Teddy asked when their giggling had subsided.

“Mum’s at work and dad’s never home.” Phil smiled, a mischievous glint in his eye.

“Perfect,” Teddy whispered in Phil’s ear before kissing his cheek sloppily. Phil picked up the pace, Teddy quickly matching his speed. They both couldn't wait to get back to Phil’s.

**

“Wait out here a sec,” Phil said to Teddy as he stepped into his room and closed the door behind him, leaving Teddy on the small landing between the stairs and his bedroom door.

“Dan?” he called once the door was fully shut behind him.

“Yep,” Dan smirked, appearing behind him.

“I’ve got someone over and you're not allowed to disturb us, okay? Hide in the closet or something.”

“Bit insensitive asking me to hide in a closet,” Dan deadpanned, backing up into the wardrobe as Phil crowded him into it.

“Dan, please. I need you to do this for me.”

“Fine. You know I could just stay invisible-” he started but was cut off when Phil shut the wardrobe door, leaving him in darkness. He sighed. The fucking things I do for him… 

Once the door to the wardrobe was closed Phil bounded over to his bedroom’s main door and flung it open revealing Teddy in all his glory. He looked ever more beautiful than usual. His normally immaculate wavy hair was messy and his cheeks were flushed a light pink colour. Phil couldn't help but kiss him.

He pushed Teddy up against the open door but Teddy quickly moved them to the bed, closing the door behind them. Phil pushed Teddy down onto the bed and climbed on top of him.

“You’re so beautiful,” Phil smiled down at Teddy. Teddy blushed and reattached his their lips.

Things started getting more heated, Phil started kissing along Teddy’s neck as Teddy began pulling at Phil’s shirt and-

“Hello!” The pair sprung apart and turned to look at the intruder. It was Dan.

“Who the fuck are you?” Teddy asked, disgust evident in his voice.

“Daniel Howell, at your service.” Dan glared at Teddy.

“I thought you didn't have any other friends here?” Teddy asked Phil, ignoring Dan.

“Dan’s more of an annoying attachment than a friend.”

“Cheers, mate.” Dan moved his glare for Teddy to Phil but once the pair made eye contact any hate behind the gaze immediately vanished.

An awkward silence fell over them all.

“Well, I better get going. My mum will be wondering where I am,” Teddy stuttered as he got up off the bed and grabbed his bag that had been dropped on the floor in his and Phil’s haste to get in.

“I thought you said your parents were out of town?” Phil questioned, puzzled. Dan stood awkwardly to the side, watching as tension grew between the other two.

“Well, yeah… They will be but they haven't left yet and I should say goodbye to them.” Teddy quickly turned and walked out of Phil’s room shouting a half hearted promise to text Phil behind him.

The room once again filled with an uncomfortable silence. Phil knew he shouldn't have broken his routine. After all, he followed it for a reason.

“Thanks for that,” Phil said quietly after a while.

“Excuse me?” Dan asked, scandalised.

“You ruined the moment. We were fucking getting somewhere!” Phil pulled his hair in frustration as he moved to the edge of the bed, swung his legs off and sat there, head resting in his hands.

“I was getting a bad vibe from him.”

“Of course you were.” Phil rolled his eyes.

“Phil, please. I said when you first found out I was a ghost that I had that ability. I read him. His aura was dark; he shouldn't be trusted.”

“What do you know, Dan‽ You’re dead.”

Dan immediately recoiled at what Phil said. He knew Phil was upset with him but that was a low blow. Phil seemed to realise what he had said and he quickly tried to back track, his eyes widening.

“Dan, I didn't mean it like that-”

“Save it, Phil.”

“Dan-”

“I said save it,” Dan seethed, walking out the door and slamming it shut behind him. Phil knew Dan well enough to know that the only reason he didn't walk straight through the door, without opening it, was so he could slam it for dramatic effect. That thought lifted Phil’s mood slightly.

Phil flopped back on his bed. Perfect. Now he had not only pissed off his crush, but he had also hurt his best friend. What a cock up.

**

Saying sorry to Dan had been surprisingly easy. Once they had both calmed down, Phil found Dan and apologised profusely; saying he didn't mean a thing he had said and it all just came out in the heat of the moment. Dan was quick to accept the apology, after all, Phil was his only friend and they fell out, they would be forced to awkwardly live together.

After making up, they decided to watch a movie. The pair settled down on Phil’s couch, a bowl of popcorn between them. Their movie of choice was Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone. The movie hadn't even started yet and Dan had already eaten more than half of the popcorn.

“You know,” Phil started. “For a ghost, you sure eat a hell of a lot.”

Dan threw a piece of popcorn at Phil’s head, glaring. “If you hadn't eaten in 40 years I think you'd also be making the most of the food you were given.”

“But you don't actually need food.”

“Just because I don't need it doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it. Now shut up! I want to hear more about the Dursleys.”

Phil, fondly, rolled his eyes and turned back to the TV. He loved seeing how engrossed Dan got in movies and their plot; he couldn't wait to see Dan’s reaction to Harry and his friend’s magic.

**

By the end of the movie Phil was falling asleep so he decided it was time to call it a night. Dan was reluctant to leave so they compromised and decided to have a sleepover (Dan usually read Phil’s books in the kitchen at night so he didn't disturb Phil; being a ghost he didn't need sleep). Phil gave Dan a pair of pyjamas and the two of them settled down on Phil’s bed.

Phil was out like a light. He fell into a happy, peaceful sleep, subconsciously thinking about how nice it was to have someone sleeping next to him. Phil was contently dreaming when-

“Phil? Are you awake?” a small voice whispered, breaking him out of his sleep.

Phil groaned. “I am now… Fucking ghosts and there lack of need for sleep.”

“Let’s do something!”

“Dan, it’s two in the morning. I have school tomorrow, I really need to sleep.” Phil sighed and turned over to face Dan.

“Sorry. I’ll let you sleep.”

“Thank you. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Phil.” 

Silence fell over the room once again. The quiet was quickly lulling Phil to sleep when-

“Phil?”

“Dan! Please let me sleep.”

“I just wanted to say I appreciate you. I didn't have many friends when I was alive but the ones I did have were amazing. You remind me of Michael. He was really special to me so I hope you know how important you are.”

Phil was blown away. Who knew that Dan could be so lovely? He was quick to tell Dan that he appreciated him as well and in a moment of madness, he moved forward and placed a soft kiss on Dan’s cheek. When he saw smile that spread across Dan’s face, Phil decided that that moment of madness was well worth it.

**

Phil was a wreck the next morning. He grumbled the whole time he was getting ready for school, swatting at a far too energetic Dan every time he came near him. The pair begrudgingly said their goodbyes before Phil made his way downstairs to meet his mum before heading to school.

The enthusiasm he once had for school had completely worn off. Now, he dreaded the car journey coming to its inevitable end because he knew that once he left the cosiness of the vehicle, he would have to make his way through another torturous day of school. Eastwood Grammar School was good, he was happy. Phil was just lazy and would much rather lounge around all day than make an effort to do work and try hard.

His mum pulled up in front of the schools forbidding gates and bid him farewell before shooing him out of the car. Phil spotted Teddy leaning against the gates, headphones in, texting (as usual). Today as he made his way up to him he didn't get the usual rush of excitement, he decided it was because of his fatigue and not from a change in his relationship’s dynamics.

“Hey,” Phil said when he arrived at Teddy’s side.

“Oh, hi. You look tired…” Teddy replied. He was being strange, acting out of character.

“Yeah. I stayed up late with Dan,” Phil responded, cautiously.

“Oh? He was at yours last night? Again?” Teddy looked annoyed. Phil was taken aback. He had never seen this side of Ted, he was usually so kind and compassionate. He certainty had never looked at Phil with a look that could only be described as one thing: hate.

“Yeah…” The look of fury on Teddy’s face intensified. Phil couldn't exactly tell Teddy that Dan was a ghost, and he had no choice but to see him everyday, without Teddy thinking he was certifiably insane so he stuttered out the first excuse that came to mind. “He needed help with… homework. We finished late and decided it would be better if he just stayed. Nothing happened.” Phil the last words made Phil’s stomach plummet with guilt, he tried to reach out for Teddy’s hand to distract himself from the sinking feeling in his stomach but Teddy pulled his hand away, stepping backwards.

“I’m going to class,” he said, glaring at Phil.

“See you later?” Phil asked hopefully.

Teddy ignored him and turned around before walking off into school.

**

Teddy avoided Phil for the rest of the day. At lunch Phil had smiled at him but Teddy didn't smile back. Phil ignored it and made his way over to their usual lunch table where Teddy was sat. As soon as he sat down as well, though, Teddy stood up and walked over to another table.

He didn't see Teddy again until he was leaving school, a small frown adoring his face. Teddy came running up to him a regretful look on his features.

“I’m sorry for being a dick today, Phil. It’s just… I really like you and I got jealous when I heard you were hanging out with Dan. I know thats ridiculous, like, obviously you can have other friends, it just came as a surprise when I actually met one of them,” he uttered sheepishly, looking at the ground.

Phil smiled at the bashful boy, softly grabbing his chin and pulling his head up so he could make eye contact with him.

“It’s okay,” he promised, gently. “I forgive you.” Phil leant down and peck Teddy sweetly on the lips, Teddy’s smiled into the kiss.

“Thanks,” Teddy smiled before kissing Phil again. The beamed at each other. The moment was broken when Teddy’s phone chimed. He quickly pulled away from Phil, whipping his phone out.

“Shit! I need to go. I’ll text you!”

Phil watched as he turned and sprinted in the other direction. Even though Teddy had ran off rather unexpectedly, Phil was still left with a warm feeling in his tummy. Teddy liked him enough to be jealous of another guy who got his attention. Phil ran home, excited to tell Dan the news.

**

“Dan!” Phil exclaimed as he burst through his bedroom door. Dan was lounging on Phil’s sofa, his legs stretched out across it, one of Phil’s comics in his hands.

“Yeah?” Dan questioned, sitting up Phil pushed his legs off of one end of the couch, making room for himself.

“Teddy was really jealous about you staying over!”

“And that’s a good thing because…?”

“It means he likes me, stupid!”

“Great…”

Phil rolled his eyes at Dan’s lack of enthusiasm. Typical.

“Anyway,” Dan drawled pointedly. “Can you paint my nails? It’s just- I’ve always wanted to have them done and I never got a chance to do them when I was alive because no one would do it for me. I mean maybe Michael would have but-”

“Dan!” Phil cut off Dan’s rambling, eyebrows raised. Dan looked at him sheepishly. “Of course I’ll paint your nails. I mean, I can’t promise they’ll be good- In fact, I can guarantee they wont be good but it’s worth a shot, right?”

Dan beamed at Phil before pouncing on him and engulfing him in a bear hug. “Thank you, Phil.” The sincerity in Dan’s voice melted Phil’s heart.

**

“What colour?” Phil asked as he laid out an array of nail polish colours. He had snuck into his mother’s room and had stolen nail polish out of her extensive collection. He had chosen a mix of pinks, blues, purples and greys.

“This one please,” Dan said bashfully as he pointed at a dim grey colour. Dan had been acting sheepish since he had brought up the idea of Phil painting his nails. Phil deduced it to be because of how out of Dan’s comfort zone the situation was. Phil found it incredibly endearing.

The pair of them were sat cross legged facing each other on the couch. Phil picked up the colour Dan wanted and gently took one of his hands and held it in his own.

“Sorry if I completely fuck this up,” Phil laughed.

“I don’t mind,” Dan murmured, a small smile on his face. “I’m just really excited to finally get them done.”

Phil matched Dan’s smile before carefully unscrewed the lid of the nail polish and painting Dan’s first nail. Dan was surprised at how well it turned out and made sure to tell Phil so.

“So am I,” Phil laughed.

A peaceful quiet fell over the room once Phil stopped laughing. Dan decided to turn on the TV. He flicked his wrist and the remote flew through the air from Phil’s bed into his hand.

“Dan!” Phil chastised. “I told you to warn me before you sent things flying around my room; that nearly smashed into my head!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “It wouldn't have; I had perfect control of it.”

“Didn’t look like it,” Phil muttered. Dan kicked him and Phil smudged his nail polish making Dan glare.

“You ruined it!” Dan admonished.

“It’s only a little bit smudged on one finger, Dan! Besides, you were the one who kicked me!”

Dan blushed and apologised before telling Phil to “Hurry the fuck up and pain my nails!”.

**

Phil hated maths. He hated the teacher, the work and just the subject in general really. What made matters worse however, was the sudden announcement that there was going to be an exam tomorrow. Great. Now Phil would have to spend the evening revising instead of watching Pulp Fiction with Dan like he had planned.

“Hey, Phil?” Phil was shocked out of his murderous thoughts on maths by a quiet feminine voice. He turned to see Mel, his friend that he spoke to in maths, looking at him expectantly. Mel was a nice girl; she had shoulder length wavy, red hair and startlingly green eyes. She was stunningly pretty in an a slightly unconditional way. If Phil weren't gay, he knew that Mel would be the kind of girl he would be attracted to.

“Yeah?” Phil replied.

“I don’t really know how to say this… I know it’ll be difficult to hear but please listen. You shouldn’t trust Teddy.”

“What are you on about?” Phil asked, a frown etched on his face.

“He isn't a good person, Phil. Please, listen to me. I’m trying to help.”

“Well it’s not helping!” Phil fumed. “My relationship with Teddy is nothing to do with you so stay out of it!”

The bell rang shortly after Phil’s outburst and he was first out of the class room, pushing past people to get to French and away from Mel.

**

French wasn't any better. Josh, Mel’s best friend and Phil’s French partner, had said something along the same lines as Mel about Teddy. He said that Phil was going to get hurt and he should leave before he gets in to deep. Phil didn't get a chance to tell him he in far too deep already.

Though Phil hated to admit it, all this talk about Teddy, had made him reevaluate a few things. Teddy’d been acting distant lately. He used to reply to all of Phil’s messages in seconds but now Phil was lucky if he got a reply on the same day. And it wasn't as if Teddy just wasn't his phone as often anymore because whenever Phil was with Teddy he was never off it- constantly texting or calling people and when Phil asked who they were, Teddy got defensive or said “you don’t know them”. 

It wasn’t only that though, Teddy and Phil now never saw each other outside of school (the only exception being the time that Dan interrupted the pair of them and Teddy quickly left). Phil was always asking if he wanted to do something at the weekend but Teddy would reject him saying he was busy or he would accept and cancel at the very last minute saying some family stuff came up.

Phil tried to convince himself that he was over reacting and things were fine but some part of Phil’s brain knew things were far from it. For once, Phil was unable to push the unwanted thought out of his mind and it plagued him for the rest of the school day and the whole walk home. He really hoped Dan could cheer him up.

**

Dan did not cheer him up. If fact, if anything, he worsened his mood. He had come home in the hopes of feeling better and walked up into his room only to find Dan with a trouble look on his face.

“Are you alright?” Phil had asked.

“Not really,” Dan had replied. “I sort of need to talk to you.”

“Well? On you go.”

“It’s about Teddy. I think you should break up with him.”

“Not you, too!” Phil threw his hands up in exasperation.

“Listen, when I first met him I got a really bad vibe off him. As if he was… inherently evil or something. I could feel it in my stomach. Like anxiety but different. The sinking feeling was there, but it also hurt not just mentally but physically. I’ve felt it since he left. Not as strongly, obviously, more like a dull ache in the background of everything… but today that changed. The feeling became much stronger. Not only was it now a sinking feeling but a twisting one. I don't know how to explain it to you but I know he’s bad news.”

Phil stared at Dan in astonishment before slowly saying, “What utter bullshit.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. Bull. Shit. That’s not true! You’re fucking making stuff up to spite me or something. I bet it’s because your jealous. You're life was shitty and now you can’t bare to see me live mine happily with someone I love and who loves me!

“You think you can just play the ghost card, blame it on some powers that are probably fucking made up because you have nothing better to do?” Dan was on the verge of tears. “You fucking take that back.” His voice was dangerously low. “Take that back Philip Lester.” “No.” “You know what? I don’t need this. I’m trying to be a good friend and warn you that the so called love of your life doesn’t like you and never will. I don’t need you taring shreds into me when I’m only trying to help.”

“I don’t fucking need your help! Last time I checked, I had a boyfriend, a good one at that, and some perfectly good friends, as well!” That wasn't strictly true; Phil was pretty sure that he had lost at least two of those friends today.

“You’re boyfriend is a bad person, Phil! You said your self he was acting strange recently! Why cant you just open your eyes and see him for who he really is!” Tears were slowly pouring down both their faces at this point. The pair had never properly fought so this was a horrible first.

“Leave,” Phil mumbled dejectedly, looking down.

“What?” Dan asked confused.

“I said leave, Dan!” Phil raised his voice again. “I don’t want to see you right now.”

Dan was about to say that he literally couldn't leave, since he was a ghost, but after looking at Phil and seeing how utterly miserable he looked, he made his way to the door before disappearing.

Phil lay down on his bed, curled into a ball, before properly letting himself go. Brutal sobs ripped through his throat as he clutched desperately at his bed covers. Why did everything always fall apart all at once?

**

Phil cried for over an hour. He lay wallowing in self pity and regret until his mum came up to check he was alright. He wasn’t, of course, but somehow he managed to convince his mum that he had just tripped and fallen badly.

All Phil wanted now was to have a relaxing evening but he couldn’t. He still had to revise for his maths test the next day. He shakily got to his feet and got out his revision.

Phil fell asleep shorty after an uncomfortable dinner with his mother. For the first time in a long time, he was happy to escape the cruel clutches of the world and fall into blissfully unaware nothingness.

** Just when he thought things were finally going well, everything fell apart. School was hell; Josh and Mel didn't speak to him anymore and Teddy always seemed to have private tutoring with the teachers (which Phil found unusual because Teddy was incredibly bright and definitely didn't need tutored) at lunchtimes and breaks so he never saw him.

School, though, was heaven compared to home. Dan was gone. But not fully. He was still there but he didn't talk to Phil at all and only made himself visible when absolutely necessary. 

Everything was Phil’s fault. So what if it wasn’t Dan’s place to talk about his and Teddy’s love life? Phil never should have said what he did about Dan and his past. Phil was sure what he did was unforgivable. He’d been such a prick. He would give anything to have Dan back.

**

Things went from bad to worse ridiculously quick. Everything just seemed to snowball and not before long, the snowball was giant and Phil couldn't run away from it fast enough. He was going to get crushed.

**

The snowball crushed him Wednesday lunch time.

He was out looking for Teddy; it was the third time in a row he hadn't shown up to lunch, with no explanation. Phil searched the corridors, the library and the toilets but didn't find Teddy anywhere. He searched some more but still found himself coming up empty handed.

Dejected, embarrassed and slightly heart broken, Phil made his way to his “special bench”. His special bench was situated just outside the front door to the school. He had found it a week or so into attending Eastwood Grammar School and had sat there on numerous occasions since (Phil deemed that a good enough reason for it to be his special bench; he sat on it far more often than he did any other bench in school).

He pushed open the school’s tall, main doors, smiling at the receptionist who, in the time since his first day he had found out, was called Samuel. He looked across to his bench and froze.

Someone was sitting on his bench.

Not just someone; Teddy.

And he wasn’t alone.

And he wasn’t just sitting.

He was kissing someone.

Someone that wasn't Phil.

Phil was too stunned to move. He watched in silence as Teddy, his Teddy, sat straddling another boy who Phil didn't recognise. It felt like an eternity had passed since Phil caught them kissing to when they broke apart. When they did, they stayed as they were, smiling at each other lovingly. Phil thought he might throw up. A strangled sob broke free from Phil’s throat, before he could stop it, attracting the attention of the two other boys.

“Shit!” Teddy exclaimed upon realising who had caught them. He quickly got off the other boys lap and started hobbling over to Phil, hurriedly. Phil tried not to think about why he was limping. Phil turned to go but Teddy grabbed his arm, stopping him. His mystery boy sat stunned on Phil’s Bench “The Bench Where Phil Found Out Everyone Was Right And His Boyfriend Was, In Fact, A Cheating Arsehole”, looking confused.

“Please, Phil. Let me explain,” Teddy tried, a desperate look on his face.

“There’s nothing to explain, Theodor,” Phil seethed, using Teddy’s real name just because he knew he hated it. “I caught you red handed. You- you cheated on me!”

“Cheated?” a voice came from behind Teddy.

Teddy turned around. “Not the best time for your input, Nathan!” Even though Phil couldn't see his face, he could tell Teddy was glaring at the other boy. “Phil, babe, I thought we weren't exclusive.”

“Don’t ‘babe’ me. You knew exactly what we were. Boyfriends. Exclusive ones!” Phil’s anger soared as he stared at the boy he had put so much trust in. The boy who had broken his heart.

“We never asked each other out!” Teddy shouted, frenziedly.

“Because I didn’t see the need to! We were practically together from the very start!”

“But you never said we were boyfriends!”

“Don’t play dumb, Theo! You know it was like an unspoken agreement for us!”

“What do you mean ‘unspoken agreement’? If it’s unspoken how the fuck am I supposed to know it exists?!”

“You knew it existed! You said to Dan one of the times when you were over that we were dating!”

“I didn't think the fucking prick would snitch on me!”

“Don’t speak about Dan like that! He’s done nothing wrong! You’re the one who fucked this up!”

“Phil, I’m sorry. Hurting you was never my intention… I’d never want to hurt you.”

“Well guess what, Teddy?” Phil’s hands tugged at his hair harshly, a slightly crazed look in his eye. “You’ve hurt me. So much. People warned me but, of course, I didn't listen. You were perfect, my perfect bear.” Tears pored out of Phil’s eyes so rapidly they blurred his vision. Teddy watched silently. “But no- You’re everything I thought you weren’t! Unreliable, untrustworthy and a cheat.”

“Phil-”

“Don’t. Teddy… Just… Why? Was I not good enough for you?” 

“No! You were so good for me. Too good, Phil. You’re perfect! It’s just…Things were moving so slowly with us…I wanted something quick. He was just a good fuck; something to satisfy me whilst I waited for you. It’s almost romantic if you think about it.”

That made Phil’s blood boil. “Romantic?! You think cheating on me is romantic?!”

“Not cheating, per say. More… occupying myself whilst I waited for you!” Teddy almost looked proud of his quick answer (read: excuse).

“Well, you should stop waiting. Nothing’s going to happen. We’re over!” Phil tried to push past Teddy and leave through the school gates but Teddy put his arm out to stop him, again.

“Phil, don’t go. I love you. Nathan means nothing to me!”

Nathan got up off “The Bench Where Phil Found Out Everyone Was Right And His Boyfriend Was, In Fact, A Cheating Arsehole” and made his way over to the pair of them. Teddy turned to him. Nathan slapped him in the face.

“I’m so sorry, Phil,” Nathan said, placing a comforting hand on Phil’s shoulder. 

“I had no idea Teddy wasn't single. I wouldn't have done anything with him if I had.”

Phil gave Nathan a weak smile before pushing past Teddy. He could hear Teddy calling out for him but he didn't look back. He walked straight out the school gates and started heading home. There was only one person he wanted to see right now. Dan.

**

The walk home was difficult. Phil tried his best to keep his sobs as subtle as possible but his life seemed to have been turned upside down. He wasn't even sure if Dan would be willing to comfort him. He had been a prick to Dan because he thought he had been lying but now Phil knew that wasn't the story at all.

Thinking about how badly he had fucked up with Dan only made the urge to properly cry grow even stronger. He ran the last bit of his journey.

**

Phil dashed through front door, slamming it behind him. He hadn't managed to stop the tears. They were rapidly pouring out of his eyes, flooding his face. He sank to the floor, back against the door, and brought his knees up to his chest before hiding his face in them.

“Phil?” a concerned voice asked. Dan.

“You were right,” Phil wailed. 

“What?” Dan asked, sinking to his knees next to Phil.

“You were right, Dan. Everything you said about Teddy was true. He cheated on me; just like you said. I’m sorry for not believing you.” Phil sobbed harder, the reality of it all was catching up with him more than before and he couldn't handle it.

Dan wrapped his arms around Phil and Phil buried his head in Dan’s chest. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, Phil. You’re so much better than him and he had no right to treat you like that.”

“I’m not, Dan,” Phil sobbed. “If I was better than him I wouldn't have fallen for him.”

“That’s not true and besides, it’s not the end of the world. You’ll find someone else.”

“No, Dan. Everything’s ruined!”

“At least you aren’t dead…” Dan mumbled, quietly.

“Shit! I’m sorry. I’m being so fucking insensitive. You-”

“Phil,” Dan cut in. “It’s fine. I’m hear to listen to all your problems. That’s what best friends are for, right?”

Phil pulled his head back and made eye contact with Dan. “Best friends? So you forgive me? Even after everything I said?”

“Of course I do, Phil. You mean the world to me.”

Phil breathed in shakily, his sobs subsiding slightly. “You really mean that?” He had only now realised that after he lifted his head, he was impossibly close to Dan’s face, only mere centimetres between them.

“Yeah,” Dan exhaled. His eyes drifted down to Phil’s lips before he quickly lifted his gaze back to his eyes. Phil subconsciously licked his lips. “I’m sorry he hurt you, Phil.”

“I’m sorry I let him. It’s just… I really did think he was perfect. I… er…  I thought he was like you.” Phil gave Dan slightly crooked smile.

“Would you be mad if I kissed you right now?” Dan asked shakily. Phil shakily breathed in before smiling and saying, “Not at all.”  and before he new it, Dan’s lips were on his.

Dan’s lips went as quick as they came and in less than a second, Dan was jumping back from Phil, gasping for breath.

“Dan?!” Phil asked worriedly.

Dan didn't say anything, just kept erratically breathing in and out. And that’s when it hit Phil.

Dan was breathing.

Dan was breathing.

“You’re breathing,” Phil uttered, astounded. He moved closer to Dan and grabbed his wrist, only to flinch back, as if Dan was a boiling pan that he had just scolded himself on. But Phil hadn't pulled back because he had been burned, no, Phil had pulled back because he felt a pulse. Dan’s pulse. Dan was alive.

Epilogue

Phil was happy. Truly and wholly happy for the first time in a very, very long time. He loved his house, his school, his friends, but most of all, he loved Daniel James Howell. Dan was the best thing that had ever happened to him. Their friendship had been confusing and dysfunctional and had been completely turned around when Dan’s started breathing again; but Phil wouldn't change any of it for the world. Dan now lived with his brother and his family; courtesy of Phil. He had managed to track down Aidan, Dan’s brother, and had somehow got him to agree to let Dan live with him. At first Aidan had thought Phil was mad and was adamant that there was no way in hell his brother was miraculously alive again after forty years but after, finally, seeing Dan in person (and a lot of tears) he had happily agreed to let him live with him, his six year old daughter, Charlotte, and his wife, Claudine. They had accepted Dan into their lives and he now felt more at home there than he had ever with his real parents.

Dan, now, also attended the same school as Phil. When he was living his first life, he had had dreams of becoming a teacher and was finally getting to pursue them. Phil was working alongside him, with dreams of becoming an optician.

Everything had fallen into place. Teddy was completely out of the picture. In fact, last Dan and Phil heard, he was meant to be moving school. With Teddy gone, Phil got to talk to more people and was able to judge them for who they really were and not who Teddy thought them to be. Phil found that Nathan had lots in common with him and the two found it easy to build a friendship, one Dan later joined in on as well.

**

Dan and Phil had just said their farewells to Nathan and were walking back from school, Phil’s arm wrapped around Dan’s shoulders. They briskly walked through the streets, desperate to get home and become a tangle of limbs on Phil’s bed.

They squeezed through the front door together and made their way up to Phil’s room. Once the door was open, Phil immediately pounced on Dan, pushing him backwards, onto his bad.

“Phil!” Dan shrieked, between giggles.

“Sorry.” Phil smiled sheepishly. “I’ve wanted to do that all day.”

“Fucking sap,” Dan mumbled, smiling to himself. Phil elbowed him in the ribs.

The pair lay in silence, basking in each others quiet breathing and appreciating the solitude Phil’s room provided.

The silence was only broken when Phil spoke. “Dan?” he said.

“Yeah?” Dan replied, lifting his head from Phil’s chest and looking at him.

“You never told me why you got a second chance? At life, I mean. What was the thing you didn't get to do in your other life?” Phil asked, combing his fingers through Dan’s hair carefully.

Dan looked down, before lifting his head once again, a small smile adorning his lips. He took a deep breath in and breathed it out before uttering one one word. One word that changed everything (in the very best of ways). “Love.”

A/N: ahhh i hope you enjoyed!! this is my first fic i’ve posted so let me know what you thought!!

[artificialqueens]

The Trouble with Soul Mates (Vatya/Pearlet)- Squeaky

When you turn thirteen, the first words your soulmate will say to you are tattooed on your arm. Jason’s tattoo confuses him.

OR: A ru-telling of Jason’s past and Season 7 ft soulmate tattoos.

Jason’s friends had warned him that soul mate tattoos didn’t always work out. Most of the time, they were nothing but a standard greeting or a cryptic word like ‘yes’ or ‘no’ or 'maybe.’ There were horror stories of people waking up on their thirteenth birthdays to blanks.

Was there anything worse than a blank? Jason had nightmares of bare arms, and he’d wake up in cold sweats.

Jason would browse Reddit and feel his heart break. He read sob story after sob story about people whose words were written in another language, and they never found someone to properly translate. People who discovered their soulmates were married and unwilling to leave their family. People who discovered their soulmate at ninety nine only to die the next day. Jason wasn’t sure which were fiction and which fact.

“Don’t worry about it, sweetie” his mother reassured him the night before his thirteenth birthday.

“But how can I not worry about it?” Jason cried. “It’s only the most important thing that’ll ever happen to me.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” she sighed as she turned off his lights, “Go to bed.”

How could he sleep? It felt like the night before Christmas, and he couldn’t close his eyes without his heart racing and palms sweating. He crept back onto his computer and looked up soulmate compilation videos featuring Kimye and all the other celebrity couples he loved.

He passed out in front of his computer and, when he woke up, Jason felt a tingling sensation on his arm.

He groaned, rubbed his eyes, and looked down. There it was! He was so excited that the words blurred in front of his eyes. He could tell it was a long sentence -not just a single word!- and he couldn’t stop shaking.

Finally, Jason took a deep breathe and read out loud: “Bitch…you’re not winning drag race.”

Wait…what?

Why would the love of his life call him a bitch and then tell him he wasn’t going to win something? Even more strange, Jason had no clue what a 'drag race’ was. He locked himself in the bathroom with his phone.

Jason typed into Google- 'what is drag race?’.

Wikipedia informed him that 'drag race (n) is a race between two or more cars over a short distance, usually a quarter of a mile, as a test of acceleration.’ Jason wanted to cry; he fucking hated cars, so why would he get into drag racing?!

He scrolled down to another link entitled 'Rupaul’s Drag Race.’ He clicked on it and saw a women with large breasts and overdrawn lips and…no, that wasn’t a woman. Another couple clips sent him swirling into a dark hole full of heels, lipstick, and, uh, 'tucking.’ Why were these queens all screaming at one another and singing along to Madonna? Who was Raven and why had she been robbed?

His mother knocked on his door: “Sweetie, anything you want to share with me?”

Not really.

————–

He went to the mall the next day and bought up a whole cart full of long sleeved sweaters with his mother. They shopped in silence. Jason wondered what she thought about his tattoo, but he didn’t dare to ask after the long, sullen stare she’d had given the black letters.

“Embarrassing tat?” the store cashier teased as Jason dumped the sweaters onto the counter.

He nodded.

“Ah, don’t worry. You know what my best friend’s tat was? 'I didn’t know she was your sister!’ Now, that has to be worst thing that a thirteen year old could ever wake up to, amirighte?”

Jason bit his lip to stop himself from giggling and simply shrugged. He didn’t want to be amused right now. He wanted to be miserable.

“Well, at least you got one,” the lady said as she handed him the bag, “My arm’s been blank for six years now and…well…every morning I still check.”

“I-I’m sorry,” Jason stuttered as he took the bag and gaped at her blank arm. Suddenly, he wasn’t as miserable.

As they walked through the mall, Jason couldn’t help but stare longingly at Sephora. His tattoo meant that he would do drag…didn’t it? What would his lips look like in bright red? His mother tugged him away from the Sephora’s.

When he got home, Jason stared sullenly at the sweaters and then shoved them into the back of the closet. Instead, he picked out a tank top and wore it proudly to school the next day. Sure, Jason was sent to the nurse’s office to 'cover up’ the inappropriate word on his arm with a band-aid, but he ripped it off as soon as the final bell rang.

“That tattoo means you’re gonna be a fag and a loser,” the local bully taunted him as he gathered up his books. 

“No, it means I’m going to win a lifetime supply of makeup, and you’re going to watch me slay the game and find my soulmate. All while you sit home alone.”

The black eye was worth it.

————–

Jason got a fake ID when he was seventeen. He tugged his hair back into a bun and painted his lips a dark purple for the occasion, and while the makeup made him appear older, he still looked like a middle schooler. Even the pink, prom dress he had stolen from his mother’s closet seemed childish.

“They are not going to give you any alcohol,” his friend Tammy teased.

“Bitch, how is it my fault I look five?”

“Bad genetics I guess. Speaking of which…what did your mom say?”

“She doesn’t know I’m here,” Jason snorted. “She’d tear my hair out if she knew that I was going down to the club in a pair of heels and her old dress. Like come on. Really, queen?”

“You’ve been watching Rupaul, huh?”

“Duh. As soon as I’m old enough I’m going to send in my application. Maybe if you followed my blog, you’d be in the know.”

Jason had proudly decorated his arm with glitter to show off the tattoo, and the black letters glimmered under the streetlight. He could hear the beat of the music even from a block away. Jason felt a tug in his chest when he saw a drag queen -in person for the first time!- but he felt too shy to wave as she flounced by. Instead, he bit his lip and impatiently tapped his heels.

The bouncer squinted dubiously at theirs IDs, shrugged, and let them through. Inside, the whole place was alive with bubbles and strobe lights. Jason was sure that he had just left the real world and floated into a fantasy land, and, yeah, this was where he belonged.

The newly crowned winner Sharon Needles was performing with her girlfriend Alaska tonight, and Jason was pumped. They were crude, rude, and everything he wanted to be. Needles would be wearing her glittering crown, and, he licked his lips at the thought.

He grabbed his friend’s hand and whispered, “When they go on stage, let’s sneak into their dressing room.”

“What?! Jason, no, that’s crazy!”

“Sh, here they come. Let’s go!” Jason giggled as he slipped out from the heat of the crowd into the cool hallway, where the dark shadows covered their guilty faces. A security guard was napping on the coach, and Jason pressed a finger to his lips as he cracked open the door.

There was no one inside!

The crown glittered in the center of the room, unprotected, and it was glamorous. God, Jason’s heart skipped a beat as he lifted it up and placed it on his head. There was no doubt in his mind that he would win himself one of these in a couple years.

“Take a picture,” he cried as he spun around in his gown and crown. “This shit’s going straight on my blog.”

“Shhh! This is so wrong,” Tammy urged even as she snapped shots of him.

Jason straddled a couch cushion and struck a pose. Then he lifted up his dress to show off his panties, and Tammy had to cover her mouth to stop herself from giggling.

The doorknob turned, and they both froze.

“We…this…isn’t what it looks like?” Tammy sputtered.

Alaska blinked: “No? You’re not a bunch of kids posing with my boyfriend’s crown.”

“Uh, yeah, actually this is exactly what it looks like. We snuck in here to try on Needle’s crown, but I…well, I just know that I’m going to win drag race because of my soulmate tattoo, so…” Jason lamely explained.

He, slowly, took the crown off his head and placed it back onto the table.

When Alaska’s face twisted up, Jason’s heart skipped a beat. What if she said- bitch, you’re not winning drag race?

“I’m just going to pretend that I didn’t see anything,” the queen decided. “You two better get out of here before my 'better’ half comes and rips you a new one. She’s wasted.”

Jason nodded, tearing up, and left.

Outside the club, Tammy lamented that they had missed their opportunity to see Sharon and Alaska perform live or gotten an autograph.

Jason silently slumped on the curb and flipped through the pictures. His heart twisted as he zoomed in on the sparkling crown that had just been perched on his head. What had he been more disappointed by? That he had to give the crown back…or that Alaska hadn’t said his soulmate’s words?

He wondered how Alaska felt when after Sharon confessed on national TV that she loved Alaska even though they they didn’t have each other’s tattoos. Jesus, that had caused a lot of fucking controversy on Untucked and Reddit. 

“It’s ok, Tammy. I’ll get you their autographs when I win.”

“Win what?”

“Drag race.”

“Wow, you have a one track mind, huh? How can you even be that confident you’ll even get on the show?”

Jason rubbed his fingers along the curve of his tattoo: “I know.”

————–

Of course 'knowing’ was one thing and getting on the damn show was another. Jason had to leave his hometown and move to Atlantic City to try and make a name for himself. Well…herself.

Violet was everything that he had ever dreamed of. Where Jason was insecure, Violet was nothing but stilettos and smirks. The spotlight had always made his heart clench up, but it made her’s soar.

Of course, it wasn’t all big wigs and kisses. He had to live in a cruddy apartment and work a part time job in Sephora. Drag wasn’t exactly paying the rent. Still, every time that he painted his face, he felt a little closer to what he was destined to be. 

At least, that’s what he told himself when the power went out, and he had curl up under twenty blankets. His roommates came and went, but the roaches were always there for him. He applied every year to the show, and every year he was rejected.

Until he wasn’t.

“Are you serious? Oh my god!” Jason gasped when he got the call.

Then he was running around trying to assemble a wardrobe, and he didn’t leave himself a minute to even let it sink in. If he stopped, for even a moment, he was afraid that it would all slip through his fingers.

It wasn’t until he was on the plane to LA, that he had a second to breathe. He was watching some movie about two soul mates that kept missing each other for twenty years, and then he started sobbing. The person besides him on the plane was giving him a serious side eye, but Jason couldn’t do anything but wipe his wet cheeks.

That was when the doubt came. How could he know that his soulmate would be on the show? Maybe he would lose the first round, and then someone would say it to him in a bar afterwards and…no, Jason stopped himself, he couldn’t doubt.

“This is it,” Jason muttered to himself.

He went to the bathroom, splashed water on his face, and promised that he wouldn’t cry.

Jason inhaled and slowly exhaled as he repeated, “This is it.”

————–

Adore had to fuck it up for everybody. She had been the first queens to ever find her soulmate on drag race, and she spent the whole season chasing after Bianca. Everyone thought it was adorable (pun intended) but the producers were worried that it took away from the ‘quality’ of the show.

“….so now everyone has to cover up their tattoos with makeup? What!? This is the first time I’ve heard about this?”

Dave, the handler, placed a comforting hand on Violet’s shoulder as he said, “Trust me, girl. You’ll be thankful. Had Adore been focused, she wouldn’t have run around uncinched. What you saw on the show? It didn’t even start to cover what a mess she was! No, it’s better that you cover up and concentrate on the game. Isn’t that what you came here to win? The crown?”

“Yeah, it’s just,” Violet sighed as she started to spread powder over her tattoo, “I always thought that I’d meet the one here…”

Dave raised his brow.

“No, you’re right. I’m here to win a crown not 'Soulmate Bachelor.’”

She covered up her tattoo, and that wasn’t part of the plan. Still, as long as they said her words, and she said there’s. Why then…why wouldn’t they recognize each other? Right?

Everything was a blur strutting into that work room.

Violet was speaking, but she couldn’t even be sure what she was saying. Everyone here was so fierce. There was a queen in all fucking blue like some sexy alien. There was a queen who kept talking in a phony, British accent.

She could feel the camera watching her as she eyed all the naked wrists. Was this more liberating or terrifying? Violet pinched her bare skin to remind herself that she had made it. Here she was.

Violet leaned against the work desk: “So how does everyone feel coming all this way just to be filler queens?”

The squat, red-headed one snorted and asked, “Oh, and y’all really think you’re really gonna snatch that crown, gurl?”

“I don’t think. I know.”

The one in all communist-red turned to her and said, “Bitch, you’re not winning drag race.”

Violet felt her face flush at the familiar words, her arm tingling, but, before she could say anything, the blonde with a chin strap snorted and repeated the words.

Both of them had said it.

Violet opened her mouth and closed it like she was gasping for air. How long had she waited to hear those words…only to have not one but two queens say it to her?

“F-fuck off.” Violet stammered, taken off guard.

The chin strap one stared at her for a moment too long, but the queen in red spandex had already moved on to another conversation. What did it mean? If only she could see their tattoos to see which one had 'fuck off’ written there.

When they stripped, Violet found her eyes drawn to Pearl. She was definitely the cutest out of drag. Katya might have been attractive if she hadn’t been babbling about fuck knows what. If one of them was her soulmate, shouldn’t Violet know which one?

She squeezed herself next to Pearl on the car ride home, and her skin tingled where their arms were pressed together. Violet cleared her throat and tried to think of something to say. Anything.

“Uh, so we’re on the show.”

Pearl stared at her with those bored, half-hooded eyes: “Yeah. Guess we are.”

“Pretty exciting. Right?”

“Sure.”

Pearl’s eyes were cold, and she couldn’t read what emotion, if any, lay behind them. Violet squirmed in her seat, sighed, and stared out the window. 

She could see Katya’s reflection in the glass as she cracked a joke to Trixie. They laughed, and Violet felt her stomach twist. She had always imagined that she would hear them say her words, say their words right back, and -then viola!- wedding bells. Nothing was going as planned.

That night she dreamed that she was naked in the workroom, and all the queens were there, pouring scalding water on their wrists, until there was nothing but burning flesh. They held her down and forced her to join them. Peeling her skin off to reveal bare bones. Violet woke up with her heart pounding as she checked to see that she was still intact.

What the actual fuck?

———————-

Violet was on the show of her dreams with two people who could potentially be the queens of her dreams. And you know what? She was fucking miserable.

She hadn’t been big on food before, but, now, she didn’t ever finish her lunch. If she managed to swallow two, little bites, it was an accomplishment. There was an all consuming numbness, and Violet couldn’t consume anything that wasn’t drag.

Everyone around her was friendly, but, besides Fame, she didn’t feel like any of them wanted to be around her. 

Somehow on Untucked, the conversation had turned to soulmates. Ginger had brought it up. How did she always know exactly what to say to get under Violet’s skin?

“I have the most distinctive tattoo, lemme tell you. Soon as a man says what’s written on my wrist, I will snatch ‘em up. Not worried.”

Katya laughed: “Of course it is! I’m stuck with the world’s most vague words. At thirteen, I thought everyone from the schoolyard bully to the lunch lady could be my soul mate.”

“The lunch lady? Now that’s gotta mess you up,” Ginger snorted.

“Oh, trust me. Pam the Lunch Lady fucked me right up with her meatloaf love,” Katya said with a wink, and Ginger cackled.

“An’ how about'chu Pearl?”

“Vague.”

Violet jumped in: “Well, I thought mine was distinctive before I came here, but now I don’t know.”

Pearl and Katya both looked up at her, and she flushed under their inquisitive gazes. What she wouldn’t do to just to rub away the powder and show them.

Production directed them to change the topic, and Violet was happy to.

———————-

Brian squeezed up next to him in the car, and Jason eagerly leaned into his side. He may be a cold-blooded bitch, but he still wanted what everyone in this hellish life wanted- hot sex. Brian was handsome out of drag…in that weird way of his.

“So how many brain cells do you think you have left, Jason? After suffocating in that corset?”

“More than you,” he said, trying to come off as flirtatious but landing closer to pissed off.

“I get a raging erection every time you say something bitchy. So I have a raging erection at all times, and it’s really interfering with my drag.”

“Seek medical help?”

“Oh, I’m a medical mystery. Maybe if you just donkey punched me in the throat and fucked me until I couldn’t move, it might fix the problem.”

“I never know what you’re talking about,” Jason confessed. “Like are we flirting or just vaguely implying that we can’t stand each other?”

Brian shrugged: “Both? Neither? I just get the feeling that we’re going to fuck, and I want the time between now and then to be as slim as possible. Possibly slim enough to slide beneath my hotel door, get on your knees, and suck me off.”

Jason blinked and then laughed. He wasn’t sure what was going on, but he knew that Katya’s thumb was rubbing over his bare thigh as the car bumped to the hotel. Matt turned around to glare at them, opened her mouth, and then closed it.

“What’s up Pearl-y, baby?“ Jason teased. “You look like you just sucked on a lemon.”

“Just…thinking about one of the camera men- he was giving me major daddy vibes.”

Violet leaned forwards, Katya’s hand resting on the small of her back and asked, “What if your soulmate is young?”

“Better be well hung then,” Ginger joked.

“I don’t give a shit about soulmates, alright? They’re just shit the media pushes down your throat to try and sell you products. ‘Try SOS dot com! You’ll match with your soulmate in a month or get your money back guaranteed.’ Load of bullshit I don’t wanna swallow.”

“I think it’s romantic,” Json said, taken aback, as he leaned into Brian’s side. He’d never met anyone so bitter about soulmates.

Yeah, he knew there was people, frequently shown on rom-coms, who liked to complain that soulmates were ‘chains to keep you trapped,’ but Jason had always thought of them as liberating. What was his deal?

Instead, Jason leaned forward into Brian’s side, gripped her leg, and whispered: “What are your words?”

“Fuck off.”

“Is that really them? The words? Or are you joking?”

Brian only winked.

Jason let his hand wander down, so it was resting over Brian’s denim crotch. As Jason gave him a light squeeze, he felt it twitch under her grip. Someone coughed loudly, and Jason reluctantly pulled away.

Late that night, Jason touched himself to the thought of getting down on his knees and Brian’s hands pulling roughly at his hair. His cock hardened as he twisted his wrist. What would Brian’s fingers feel like inside him? Would they shake from withdrawal? Or would he be steady and sure?  

Jason rolled over as replayed the scene in the car when the the engine had rumbled between his thighs. He replayed the way Brian had sharply inhaled and looked at him so tenderly. Jason speed up his pace, breathe coming in shallow pants.

Then Brian’s face transformed to Matt’s, and Jason came all over himself with a pathetic groan.

“What’s wrong with me?” Jason muttered as he tossed and turned.

In his dreams, he was buried in the workroom under the concrete, and Brian was trying to dig him out. Then Matt stepped on Brian’s hands until they fell off and scampered away. Then more and more hands poured out, and buried Jason.

He woke up gasping for breathe, and, as always, wondering what the fuck?

———————-

“Katya, let’s start with you,” Ginger began as she adjusted her Hello Kitty cape. “What’s been your most challenging moment?”

“I think it happened last night. I think that was the worst…I mean I’ve had…there’s been like a lot of moments where I’ve felt really, really bad. But last night I think I had a panic attack.”

Violet she felt her heart twist up: “Oh no.”

“And it was one of those things where like-”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Ginger softly interrupted. Violet, for the first time, felt grateful for the southern queen.

“This competition has been hard in a way that I didn’t expect.”

Violet had been so wrapped up in herself that she hadn’t noticed that bags under Katya’s eyes. She felt like such shit. Violet scooted forward on the couch and wrapped her arms around Katya.

“I felt like a baby saying it-”

Violet chuckled: “Well, yeah.”

Katya pushed her back.

“You know what you can suck? My whole dick.”

“Can I please? God, I’m so, like, finally!” Violet laughed, stomach twisting, and, even from behind her pink headpiece, she could see that Pearl was smiling along with the rest of them. How was it that at the most stressful peak of the show, Violet finally felt like she was breaking through to them?

Ginger turned to Violet: “Okay, so what has been your most difficult moment?”

“My most difficult moment was really feeling like I had no one in the world to talk to. Like I literally felt like everyone hated me. I had a mini breakdown in the beginning because everyone thought I was this rotted cunt. And I mean..I kinda am that.”

Katya, stretching her legs out, interjected: “You’re just a regular cunt. Not a rotted one.”

“I’ll say when I first came in, for the most part, it was all about competition. And I remember being like, okay bitch, game face. Like, you’ve got to go in here and be confident and strong and show strength and…maybe that wasn’t the best concept?”

Katya leaned forward and squeezed her shoulder: “No, that has been your greatest asset, are you kidding me? That is the thing I admire about you so much. Bitch. You. Are. In it. To win. It.”

It meant everything, after all of this doubt, to hear Katya say that to her. She wanted to bury her face into Katya’s shoulder again, but, with the cameras all around them, she choose to stay seated. She wanted to tell Katya that she was amazing and super talented, but the conversation had moved in.

She noticed that Pearl was eyeing her as she got up a couple minutes later to go talk to Katya.

“Look at me,” Violet took Katya’s hands and squeezed them in her own. “This is me being real.”

Katya cackled, and they had to take a second to catch their breathe. What was it about Katya that made Violet feel so giddy and real? She almost tripped over her heel, and Katya caught her wrist, right where her words were concealed.

“Look what happens when you try to get real, bitch!”

Violet giggled and went to adjust her makeup, but, out of the corner of her eye, she could see Katya practicing the lip synch. Her heart sank as she realized that she might be running out of time. Why couldn’t she just tell Katya the truth? Tell her that she thought she was her soulmate?

Then Katya was slamming down onto stage in a split, lip syncing for her life. Her and Kennedy were neck in neck. Violet knew she shouldn’t be taken sides, but she knew who she wanted to stay.

Behind her back, Violet crossed her fingers.

“Katya, you may doubt yourself sometimes, but I have no doubt that you are a star. And a hammer. And a sickle…sashay away.”

Violet clapped even though all she wanted to do was cry.

Katya had left Violet a small note tucked away into one of her heels. ‘Fuck off.’ it read with little hearts, and Violet pressed it to her chest. She didn’t let the cameras see it, slipping it away into her bag. She kept her face composed and then cried in her hotel room.

If Violet had found her soulmate, why did she feel like something was missing?

———————-

It was the final four Untucked, just a couple days since Katya had left, and you could cut the tension with a knife. Violet sipped her cocktail, silent, as everyone eyed each other up.

“What are you thinking about?” Pearl asked, shifting closer to her. Violet stared down at her bare wrist and sighed.

“I’m just trying to process everything. I just need to…replay everything.”

“What didn’t help,” Pearl added. “Was how the two of you had each other’s back but just threw Violet and I under the bus.”

Then Ginger and Kennedy were going back and forth, like a game of verbal tennis, defending themselves. They needed to both calm down before she lost her temper.

“I do drag for me, and that’s it,” Violet snapped, cutting off their rant about the essential nature of Pageants.

Pearl didn’t fire back at all, eyes downcast, and arms tucked between her legs. She had her infamous lemon face on, and Violet wanted to hug her. 

“I don’t know…everyone thinks that I’m on drugs, and I have no personality. So I’m probably…”

Going home, Violet filled in the blanks.

Then everyone was back at it again, and Violet wanted it to be over. Ginger snapped that they were going to ‘get a smoke and fuck off,’ and Pearl visibly flinched.

As Violet got up to go the bathroom, Pearl followed her.

“Thanks for defending us,” the blonde said, and Violet leaned in to give her a soft kiss on the cheek, careful not to smudge her makeup as she leaned against the bathroom door.

“It’s…they’re just letting their competitive spirits get the best of them. This will all be over by the time the reunion rolls around.”

Pearl buried her face into Violet’s arms: “I’m sorry for being so distant.”

“Sh, it’s fine. You’re fine.”

“But I can’t, like, handle it when people yell at me or get confrontational because…my stupid soulmates words are ‘fuck off.’ And every time someone screams it at me, I feel myself hurting so fucking bad.”

Violet was sure that she was the first one to see Pearl like this, and she hugged her tighter in her arms. 

“My words are 'Bitch, you’re not going to win drag race,’ but did I take that as a sign I was going to lose? No…I decided that it mean’t I was going to win. The words are there, in black and white, but you’re the one who gives them color.”

Pearl hiccuped and then took a step back, “Wait…I- I said that to you, and then you- but- but didn’t Katya say them first?”

“We need everyone back on the main stage!”

Violet nodded as they stared at one another, and she saw Pearl’s eyes flash with a grim understanding. She had never read of a case of someone with two soulmates, not in all her years and years of internet browsing. Only one of the could be the her soulmate.  

“I want it to be me,” Pearl whispered, cupping her face, and sadly kissed Violet’s cheek. 

This really had turned into soulmate bachelor. 

———————-

Jason flew back home and went into hibernation for a couple days. He kept the blinds closed and the covers pulled up high over his head. Jason allowed himself a couple days of misery and then he took a deep breathe and turned on the scorching, cold shower. As he stepped right into the needle-like spray, Jason decided only the the truth would heal this. 

“Hi, mom, how are you? Yeah, long time no call. I was doing this television thing- yeah, the one I’ve been talking about for years. Uh huh, 'Rapal’s Dank Raze.’ So, this may sound like an obvious question, but how did you know that dad was the one?”

“Because we said each other’s words?”

He sighed and buried his face in the palm of his hand: “Yeah, mom, but what if there was…a duplicate? A mistake?”

“No such thing, sweetie-”

“But what if dad said 'hey, sunshine’ and then little Timmy said the same thing after him? How would you know who it was him?”

“It would still be him. The words are just a sign, but you can feel your soulmate deeper than just that. Jason, did something happen? Did Rapal say your words?”

“Uh, no mom. Nothing happened.”

Except everything.

“Well, if something like that did happen I would just go with the more handsome one-”

“Bye, Mom!”

“Wait, no, I think your cousin Suzie had something like this happen to her.”

“I don’t know cousin Suzie.”

“Because she moved to Utah to get polygamy married. It’s true, you know. There are cases of people having more than one soulmate. In the good old days, you’d have the two fight to the death but, you know, some traditions die hard. Well, good luck sweetie.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Jason sighed as he rubbed his head. 

———————-

In the end it wasn’t as dramatic as a fight to the death or eloping in Utah. Instead, they all gathered at a Cafe and had peppermint tea with flower shaped sugar cookies. It was all so sweet Jason thought he might be getting a toothache. Outside of the cooker pressure of the race, it was easy to lean back in the LA sun and just breathe. 

“So,” Matt said as he licked the cookies crumbs from his thumb. 

“So,” Jason said and looked between the both. 

“So what? Are we ordering more cookies or?” Brian said and then burped so loudly the little old lady next to them dropped her tea cup. That sent them all into red faced hysterics as they tried to hide their guilty faces behind their own cups. 

Somehow, they made it into an Uber without harming any more elderly people. Jason squeezed onto Brian’s lap, and Matt threw his shoulder over Brian. They were all tangled up, and Jason didn’t want to pull them apart. It felt like they had been pulling away for so long, and now they could fall together, the perfect puzzle pieces. 

Jason could still taste the sweetness on Brian’s tongue as he tugged him by the scruff of his neck into a kiss. He was hard in his slacks as Matt slid his hand between his legs and squeezed. Jason groaned, wondering which name he should moan when he realized- both. It’s both of them. 

“Having trouble?” Matt teased.

Brian bit the edge of his lip: “Let’s make that double.”

“That’s the trouble with soulmates,” Jason gasped. “You never know when you’re going to get two.”

Even though it was still two weeks until the crowning, Jason felt like he’d already won. With his soulmate’s arms around him he was king of the world, with or without a crown.

[urbanfanfare]

Where I Don't Want To Be- Chapter 1

Title: Where I Don’t Want To Be Author: letmetellyabouttrey Chapter(s): 1/? Characters: Trey Songz, Original Female Characters, Original Male Characters. Rating: M Warnings: Triggers, Language, and will definitely earn it’s rating as we move forward. Fic Summary: Kyianne Taylor has always been there to take care of her family. Fresh out of high school and ready to take on life ahead of her, she finds her life turned upside down when her parents make a confession that will drastically change the course of her life… Where I don’t Want To Be- Chapter 1 Kyianne POV: I woke up today with a feeling I couldn’t place… it was weird. Not so much weird, as much as feeling like everything was about to change. For the good or the bad I wasn’t sure yet… only time would tell… I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, and got out of bed. I did my hygiene thing, before getting dressed in a pair a jeans and an old tee-shirt with faded red ink on it. I was pulling my long black hair back into an high ponytail, I sat all the way down at my kitchen table before it dawned on me, what today was… My 18th birthday! My two 6 year old twin sisters Tammi and Tanya came in the room along with my older brother Marc, who wasn’t exactly my Brother. He was my cousin to be exact, but his mom, who was my dad’s sister was very sick, and died when he was two, and his dad never claimed him, so my parents took him in, and here we are 19 years later him being x21. Then again we never saw our parents. “Happy Birthday Kyi!” Tammi and Tanya said as they handed me a homemade card. I loved the card just as much, if not more than a store bought card. “Happy Birthday! You are finally an adult! Still a kid to me, but an adult all the same!” Marc handed me a store bought card, with $20 stuck inside. “Thanks big head!” “Whatever just be lucky I gave you anything. Mighty Mouth!” He said grabbing his phone and texting something into the iPhone screen. I stuck my tongue out at him, before getting up out my seat to make breakfast, before getting the girls off to school. I put on a pot of water for some grits, and started making eggs. I practically ran the house by myself seeing as my parents, although they did the right thing by taking in Marc, they never really did right by any of us. Yea, they made sure we had a roof over our head, and food, but that was all because they could be charged with child abuse otherwise. I took care of the child rearing while they though money at the situation until we could just go away. It wasn’t like they didn’t have the means, they both worked at some high-end banking and investment firms, to which they owned their own firm. but they never even stayed here half the time. We lived in a modest, little home in Georgia, on the skirts of Atlanta, while they lived another life in the middle of the city. It was like we didn’t exist except for clientele dinners, or holidays. It was different living like this, not having your parents around to monitor your every move, coming home when you wanted, and not to a curfew. Yes, they tried to come in sometimes and lay down the law, but most of the time it was what I or Marc said goes for the twins seeing as we basically raised them so far. Marc was a good guy, but he was too busy chasing skirts and now he caught up in some mess. I mean he has his whole life ahead of him, this whole making me an aunt thing was not the business. “So birthday girl, where would you like to go for dinner? I pondered where I wanted to go. “You know what I’m not even sure. I’ll think about it today and let you know.” I said turning the eggs around in the pan. “You’ve got it good. Today’s your birthday, last day of high school. I say today’s a damn good day.” “Yea, it’s funny it all fell that way.” I said plating the eggs, grits and toast. The twins came and sat down at the table. I fixed them a plate. “Y'all two hurry up and eat. I still need to comb your hair and drop y'all off. Marc are you bringing LaQuita with you tonight?” “I thought you didn’t like her?” He questioned while putting some grape jelly on his toast. “I don’t but she’s the mother of your growing child, my Niece or Nephew. I’ll be damned, if I let her keep me from that over petty stuff.” “Your a great woman. You and Quita will get along good someday.” “You say that a lot, personally I don’t see that shit happening, now you get out of here too, your supposed to be in class in about 30 mins. You already told me about that professor of yours. He grabbed another piece of toast he had left, before mussing up the girls hair, to their protests, and stole kisses from each of them… After School: Today had been a long day, but I was happy it was over. This stage of my life was over, and as I walked out of school for the day I got a bit sentimental aaa I cried and hugged my friends goodbye. Grinning from ear to ear as I said my final goodbye to this high school that been apart of my formative years. I drove down the street in my Acura MDX SUV (another gift from my parents., stopping for gas and a Arizona Raspberry Iced Tea before picking up my sisters from Kindergarten and heading home. I pulled in the driveway noticing Marc’s blue Ford Explorer in the drive way. We walked inside seeing Quita and Marc on the couch watching a re-run of The Parkers. Quita who was 8 months pregnant stood up, a slight glare in her eyes. Then again she always had a glare when she saw me.? “Happy birthday” she said with very little interest in actually giving me any attention. “Thank you Quita. Marc, I wasn’t expecting you home yet. Didn’t you have another class?” “Quita had a doctors appointment today so I went.” “Oh yea I forgot, how did it go?” I sat down on the couch, my backpack on the floor. “Great, my SON is going to be a very health, a happy little man.” He said with a grin. “Shit not if he keeps sitting on my Blatter. I’ve got to go to the bathroom.” We all laughed and I moved my stuff of her way. “Oh My God! A boy Marc! I’m so excited! I know you wanted a boy, so I know you are happy!” “Ecstatic!” I turned to the twins, who had been in the room with us too. “So, I know y'all got homework. Hop to it. They huffed and walked to the kitchen table. Me right behind them. They had one more week of school left so they still had work to do. "Kyi, why do we have to do it now?” Tammi said. “Because if you don’t do it now, your not going with us out to eat later.” “Dang!” They said at the same time. I looked over the simple addition and reading and determined that for both assignments it shouldn’t take more then 30 mins total. It wasn’t that bad. The teacher just wanted them to write down what they were most excited about for the summer. I was leaving the kitchen, when I almost ran into Quita. I started to move, but I wanted to say something first. “Hey Quita?” “Yes?” She said with bite in her voice. She flipped her burgundy hair over her shoulder. “I wanted to say to you. That I’m happy for you and my brother. I know he loves you, and I also know that you and I have not started off on the right foot, but you are going to be apart of this family now. So let’s bury the hatchet, and move on.” She eyed my hand suspiciously, before crossing her arms under her chest and glaring me down. “I’m not sure what kind of game you think your…” “ Quita please, I’m not running anything on you. My brother loves you, and I would hope you loved him enough to take the rope I’m throwing to you.” “It’s bitches like you always trying to set me up. Marc’s my man, I won’t let you take him from the family.” “Quita, I’m not trying to hurt you or break y'all up. Shit you are fucking 8 months pregnant. Even if he was miserable, which I find highly likely, he still wouldn’t do his child like that. He knows what that’s like, Shit we all do. I’m trying to squash this shit. For the sake of the baby, let’s be amicable about this ok?” “I’m going to say ok, but I still believe you aren’t up to any good.” “Likewise. Thanks Quita.” I waved her forward and we watched t.v until the twins finished up. Hours later…. We went to dinner at T.G.I. Friday’s and afterwards Marc dropped Quita at home, and then we went home. When we pulled up I noticed there was a silver Mercedes-Benz in our driveway which could only mean that our parents had stopped by. I looked on the street and saw a black suburban on it, but paid no attention to it. We parked, grabbing our leftovers and went inside to face the music. My parents sat on the couch, anxious as fuck. I knew something was up. “Terry, Linda.” I said without any warmth in my voice. “Hey don’t call us that. We are your parents.” I scoffed, their faces darkened. Their body language changed, and something told me to get the twins away from here. “Hey Marc, take Tammi and Tanya upstairs, get them ready for bed, I’ll be up in a minute.” “Awe how…touching.” My father said. “It is honey, she takes care if them like they belong to her. It’s cute.” “She going to be perfect for them. ” I was getting nervous, who was “them” why was I perfect? “Hold up, who are "them”, what in the hell are you talking about?“ "Language.” “Oh please! Do not come into this house and pretend you are a real parent. None of us have seen you in three months. Do you even know what today is? "Well, well, well, you have more backbone then the last time we saw you, but I suppose that isn’t our problem anymore. You guys can come out now.” Three huge men, came from the kitchen. Surrounding me. I immediately called Marc. “MARC!” He flew down the steps, and started swinging, I started fighting when they started grabbing for me. It was no use, they had me held back by my arms, and Marc by his neck and arms. “ Tisk, Tisk! Such bad manners.” “Let’s just get this shit over with I’ve got stuff to handle tonight…” “What do you want?” “We came for you!” Said our mother. “WHAT?!” Marc and I yelled. “You see, I’ve decided to bolster my sales, and open myself up to a whole new business venture, and let’s just say, I need you to… Help me.” Terry said. “With? And will y'all let us go god dammit!” I pulled against the arms holding me. “My new business involves matching up girls from around the world to men, who are willing to pay…” “Your becoming a PIMP for a living?! Wow! damn I’ve seen everything.” I yelled rolling my arms.“No, you haven’t. Not even the start, here in your sheltered world. And no Terry is not a pimp. He just makes people happy, and uses girls to do so. "Ok and what do I have to do with all of this?” “I have a client, a very special client. He truly doesn’t take No for an answer, Not that I would give him one. You see this client is very powerful, he gets what he wants and he decided out of all the girls he could have that he wants you.” My eyes popped out of my head, tears sprung from my eyes, and Marc went ballistic. “Fuck No! You can’t have her! What kind of sick shit is this! You sold your own fucking daughter!” He started pulling and fighting the guy, before I knew it, they pushed him to the ground and pulled a gun on him. He stopped moving and put his hands up and I heard my “parents” and I use the term loosely were laughing. “Oh such a shame, stuck between a rock and a hard place are you?” “Can’t you all just leave him alone? Please.” “We will as soon as you leave with us.” “No!” “Shut up!” “ Let me put it this way Kyianne, either you go with us, or you continue to fight us and he dies. Oh and we still take you.Take your pick.” I looked him over, and it wasn’t even a decision. “Ok, OK! Fine, You have to promise me, you leave him, and my sisters alone.” “KYI! NO! Fuck no, you get out and don’t worry about me.” I tried to go to him but the man was still holding me back. I looked to Terry and Linda pleadingly. They nodded to the man and he let me go. I ran over to Marc, who just grabbed me and hugged me. “Marc, I’m sure you would be ok with going for me, but what about LaQuita, what about your Son?” His face dawned with realization and hurt. “They need you Tammi and Tanya need you. I need you to take care of them. If your gone, they go back to them, and then they end up just like this, at least now, I know you can take care of them, and they are protected. Please Marc let me go.” His face was so sad, I had never seen him this upset before. I could tell he was still battling with my decision. “You don’t have to give up your life for us. Please Kyi! Think about this!” “There is nothing to think about. It’s either go with them, however unwilling it may be. Or we fight them and you die, I’m taken anyways, and Tammi, Tanya, and your Son is left with no one. Either way I’m going. They made sure of that.” I turned and glared at them. “She’s right Son.” “I’m not your Fucking son! For once it’s something I can be proud of in regards to your family genes.” “Please Terry and Linda, don’t need your help shut up. I just need to hear you say they are, and will always be safe from whatever lifestyle you lead! My sisters will NEVER EVER be subjected to this!” “Y'all have our word. Your sisters are safe. We have to go now!” I huffed back the tears, and pulled Marc to his feet. He was about 5'11 and about medium build. , with brown eyes. “Ok ok. Can I at least say goodbye to my sisters and grab something from upstairs?” “You’ve got ten minutes, and then we are dragging you kicking and screaming out the front door.” I turned and ran up stairs, Marc, and two of the three men, on our tails to make sure we didn’t try anything. I sucked up my tears and opened the door to my sisters’ room. “Kyianne? Why are you crying?” Tanya asked me “It’s ok. Sit down for a sec.” I sat on Tammi’s bed both of them sat beside me, I pulled them really close, as Marc sat on the opposite bed. Tears staining his cheeks, and his eyes were bloodshot red. “Ok you two. Kyianne has to go away for awhile.” “What?” “Why?” They said at the exact same time, panic laced in their voices. “Look it’s going to be ok you two. I need you to behave yourselves for Marc. You two are gorgeous and amazing little girls. I’m only going away because I Love you both, and not because I don’t Understand?” They both nodded, tears on their faces as well. I prayed to god for strength not to break down in front of them, it would only make it harder for them and me. “ Will we ever see you again?” Tammi asked me. I choked as I didn’t have an answer for them, but I was going to lie my ass off just to protect them. “Sure hun you will. I’m not sure when but you will. Now come with me.” We walked the hall to my room, and I went to my jewelry box. Most of my stuff was cheap, costume stuff, but I had a few pieces I knew would stand the test of time, even if I didn’t because they were real. I had three of those to be exact. I had two chains with an identical Rose pendents on them. One was gold, the other silver. Roses were my favorite flower, so they got incorporated into my daily stuff. I handed the Gold to Tammi, and the Silver to Tanya. “I want you two, to take care of these for me.” I grabbed the other necklace, which was something that was passed to me, by my maternal Grandmother Edith. She took care of me and Marc when we were really little, but she died when I was 15, leaving me and Marc to take care of everything. I loved that woman, so I kept a lot of her jewelry, but this one was special to her.I slid it in my pocket. I heard the knocks on the door, one of the once stone-faced guards had softened his face and said, “Ok Miss Taylor, it’s time to go.” The twins grabbed a leg a piece and cried harder. My heart broke and I gently pulled them off and bent down to their faces. “No matter what remember that I LOVE you.” I hugged them as tight as I could and kissed their chubby cheeks, and stood up to Marc’s wet face and hugged him. I gave him a peck on the cheek. “Take care of them Marc. Take care of yourself too. I love you, and your son.” I walked down the stairs, everyone hot on my trail. “Are you ready?” I wanted to smack her for asking me such a dumb ass question. “Don’t ask me a dumb ass question like that. Let’s go.” I looked back one more time at my family, and Marc was holding them both, and I was thrown in the back seat of the Suburban… We pulled away and everything I knew was gone…