#and then maybe i can go on the weekend too sometimes.. tbf i only need to go 5x a month to have saved money w the membership

[phagodyke]

allll good so far also realised only reason i felt sick was bc i had milk w breakfast LOL... just gotta finish this assay n email results + book training then I can take lunch + then I have protein analysis which will be a pain bc all the samples are powdered so I have to do them at 4x dilutions not 2 plus theyre lipases so they hate dissolving....... and then a gel IF I get them all done + a quick meeting then home taking a short nap eating a snack + GYM TIME WOOOO

soooo tired I feel a little nauseous but we stay strong

[inkofamethyst]

December 15, 2024

The end of a fun weekend!! I have things to discuss and unpack but first, a recap:

Had a movie night with my island-friend and her partner a few nights ago which was truly truly fun, I feel so comfortable around the two of them <333

Went to see a play with my island-friend and, uhh, the-girl-who-invited-me-to-play-dnd-w-her-crew-who-will-need-a-nickname-sometime-soon (unfortunately dnd-friend is taken lolll) and it was really good, incredibly funny, and both of my companions enjoyed it as well (which is what I was most worried about because I'm the kind of person who will just go see whatever basically, but not everyone has my risk tolerance when it comes to performing arts (and I mean tbf it's not like I can even claim that mine is that high, it's just probably higher than average)).

Later that same evening I went out to go party with my island-friend and her partner as a sort of end-of-semester let-loose situation (even though my island-friend still had an academic meeting left and I still had a final coming up). We pregamed, chatted for a while (those two can chat that's for sure (but it's always always always good conversation)), then went to the party. My turquoise-friend (who was supremely surprised at my presence) and one of her friends who I know was also there, so even though the theme was a bit, well, outside of my typical wheelhouse, I still felt safe and relatively comfortable with them around to just kind of move and groove haha. The DJing was quite good, pretty much everyone (except me lol bc I didn't know what the theme was until the day-of) was dressed impeccably on theme (though I was wearing the square-neck prototype I made and it worked quite well!!), and it was generally just a fun house party (though I cannot stress enough that I was dreadfully out of place theme-wise). I had two drinks across the entire, oh, five hour night (we "only" stayed at the party for four hours though (it was meant to last eight (I heard from someone who heard from someone else that the cops were called a bit after I'd left))), which was plenty when I was unfamiliar with the crowd there, and the crowd itself was pretty intense. But! A fun night! Probably the most fun I've had on a night out since I've been here (though I can count on one hand I think the number of nights out I've had). I will come back to this though.

Then today was a cookie swap hosted by the girl I met sewing at the library several weeks back!! I met a bunch of her friends and we colored for hours and just chatted and they were all really nice :)

So yes, a good weekend! Still technically need to prep a bit more for my open-note final though..

Okay now time for rambles. I wanted to unpack a little why I specifically feel/felt so uncomfortable at being the object of a man's attention at the party? Because there were two times in particular where I shied away (and also notable examples where I did not!) and they confused me in the moment, even while buzzed. I think it has to do with the party's theme being pretty explicitly.. well, explicit, and feeling unsafe at the prospect of even potentially indicating to a guy (even one I was attracted to ohhhh my god) that I wanted to engage further. And also, I think, purity culture's "men only want one thing from you" mentality which I've internalized and can't seem to shake. And the fear that I wouldn't know how to stop something that I wasn't comfortable with. But, on the flip side, I felt safe with the people I was with. Though, while I probably could've trusted them to intervene had it been necessary, I don't want to seem like a chore to monitor when I go out with them? I dunno. Because the two/three instances where I did not shy away from engaging with some guy was when they had already been engaging with one of my friends (and I wasn't attracted to them).

Maybe there's a conclusion to be drawn there and maybe I'm just too tired to make it. Eh, my future self can make sense of this sometime down the line.

Today I'm thankful for a good weekend!!!

New Captain America movie coming out in February... I really need to get caught up on my mcu bc I think Sam Wilson is one of few characters left who I really care about.

[edit: also a new superman in july, god bless]

[autumnrory]

i know it is in part how much i hate new years but the last several days have just been like ooh i am so close to snapping and everything makes me so grumpy so easily

like it's hard with the new cat bc she's so tiny like grace like it's very bittersweet and i love her of course and she's very different but it does feel just like her weight and like i didn't really expect mom to find one that tiny. and then our kitten who's not a kitten has been very distressed about the new cat and not eating - he actually got an appetite stimulant today which helped - obviously it's just due to his mood but that ofc reminds me of grace at the very end and trying to get her to eat and how awful it felt when she wouldn't

and then i went to my cousins' over the weekend to give my godson his presents and i adore spending time with the kids, bc they're so fun, but EVERY TIME they're a little rambunctious, especially the second youngest, and i get it with the way my temper is i would not be able to handle that, hence why i do not want kids, bc i don't want to be that mean just bc i'm frustrated and hi yelling doesn't help change their behavior lol if it did they wouldn't act up, but yeah like every time i go over there, there's yelling, and like. idk i am family i guess but even then idt my parents would've yelled at me in front of any sort of company. admittedly, i didn't really misbehave i guess but even my brother who went through a period of time in his teen years where he got into a lot of trouble, i can't imagine anyone would've yelled at him if he had friends over or something. like for all my beefs with my parents, of which there are many, at least they wouldn't do that. and maybe the kids are like, resilient or whatever, but i'm just like. okay don't do that on my account idc if they act up as long as they're not hurting anyone, but maybe it's just like that regularly who can say.

and there are certain things like they often do the "oh you want to take the kids with you" type of joke and i'm just like they could really internalize that and feel like. unwanted you know. idk i guess they're the only people i know with four kids but hey my brother has three kids and tbf one of them is much older than the others but like, he and his wife can be stern if need be without yelling and stuff. and i'm sooo bad at extricating myself from situations, i mean since i only see them a couple times a year, i WANT to spend the time, because it feels right and like i said, i think the kids are fun and goofy and everything but it's hard when their behavior goes a little too far and they get yelled at. plus i do figure it's in part the excitement of seeing someone they don't regularly see so like maybe their daily life is a lot calmer lol

and ofc with all this excess stress thinking about work stuff and dealing with personal stuff etc etc the numbness in my leg has been a lot more constant and it's just like ugh why won't that just go away if there's not an answer other than stress lol like does my body not have enough stress reactions like sometimes it's getting lightheaded or nauseous AND i've been having an itch on my back that i think could be stres related like listen just PICK ONE okay i do not need my body doing multiple things because i'm stressed lol that just makes everything worse

anyway i was so close to having the cry i needed the other day like right there and it was perfect bc it was right before my shower bc i don't need anybody KNOWING i'm crying and then i got distracted so it didn't come through and now i'm still waiting for it

[strshn]

I haven't posted in so so so long. but I promise you it's a good thing. I honestly almost forgot I had this blog lmao. things have gotten so much better! are they as good as I want them to be? of course not. but it's the best they've been literally ever. I still struggle a ton but idk. things are just so different...

my 4 year anniversary with my boyfriend is coming up. how insane is that??? I've waited and yearned and begged my whole life for love, and I am trying my best to never take it for granted, not even for a second. I am so lucky to have him by my side.

I've come out to people irl... IN. REAL. LIFE. I go by my preferred name and pronouns to my bf, my friends, I even told my mom this past weekend and it's been nothing but support. tbf I have only told people that I know will be supportive, but still. it feels amazing, and freeing in a way I could have never guessed.

I'm off my meds. all of them. have been for I think almost 2 years now. ditched therapy too. and I'm not saying it's a good thing, I do wish I had some support in the way of a therapist, and maybe some meds would make things even better but idk I've been coping on my own. somehow lol. it's hard and I get exhausted very easily and I so very much wish I could do more on a daily basis but I do what I can, and I forgive myself for not being able to do more. I praise myself for what I can accomplish, even if it's minimal. I cook, I clean, I take care of our cats. I get so tired so easily but... I'm doing more now than I ever did on meds, and frankly it's so fucking strange.

is life hard? absolutely. but I've grown and changed and things are different but also better. my bpd is almost like an afterthought? yes I still experience symptoms. but idk. it's not the same as it was. maybe because I'm happy and secure in my relationship, it's a long term commitment. I have in the back of my mind that it could still end up going terribly wrong, but I don't dwell on it like younger me probably would have. I have bad days, sure. depression isn't gonna go away. and neither will anxiety or ADHD. probably have autism too but I haven't really gotten into that rabbit hole yet.

but idk. I'm just glad to be doing okay. and not having the extreme moods like I used to. do I still hate myself and want to unalive myself from time to time? of course! but. it's more like "I'm tired and the world sucks and I'm sick of working myself to death and still not having enough money to survive can this please end already" which I think is reasonable and a lot of ppl feel that way. the world does suck. but I keep going for my cats and my boyfriend. idk it all sucks but I know there is nothing else to do.

I sleep a lot. I'm tired a lot. I have some physical ailments I need to get fixed. mentally idk. it's just a strange time for me. I'm able to just ignore my shit most of the time, or when I can't, I cry it out and take a nap and try to tell myself that I can keep going, and I will be okay. even if maybe it isn't true, I mean who knows.

I stream on twitch sometimes. I'm working on finding good friends. I'm working on officially coming out. I'm working on getting better at makeup and hair. I'm working on trying to figure out how to write again. Overall, I'm working on being exactly who I want to be. and it feels awesome.

I know this page is usually depressing. I've had a rough life and need somewhere to vent. at least this one time I can vent about how good I am beginning to feel. how good my life has turned out to be even if I still struggle a lot of days, especially financially I struggle a ton. but I'm still here and more queer than ever lol. and I'm doing all right.

I always used to see "it gets better" posts and I half wanted to believe them and half told myself it would never ever happen for me. maybe everyone else but never me... well it's happened for me. it is still happening, tbh. every day things are looking up, even the days where I feel down. it's, at the very least, not the same as it used to be. and I'll take anything over the heart-wrenching emotions I used to feel daily. the mood swings, the obsessions, the infatuations, the utter hopelessness of everyday life for me was so overwhelming. I'm glad it has toned down for me, and thing have changed. and that things are even slightly better.

I have no outlook or expectations for the future. but I think that's for the best. I have things I want to do here and now, and I'll worry about the rest later. I'm just happy I'm finally becoming who I want to be, and I'm happy I have any amount of happiness and love in my life. that's all I ever wanted, love. and I think I have it! so don't be so glum, younger me, or anyone out there reading this that can relate to how I used to think and act and feel. it will be okay. and as cliche as it is, it will get better. or at the very least, things will change with time. things will not stay the same, things will evolve and change and mutate and metamorphosize. things will change, the future will be different. and idk that just gives me hope, that I won't be stuck in one place or one feeling or one rut forever.

the future is open and a mystery, flow into it and go along with it. it will be worth it to see the world, and your self, in a different light.

[feeling-frazzled]

New year same me

Heeeeiii everyone 🌈

First blog post this year as I decided to have a little bit of a breather since Christmas. I am one of those weird people who actually likes January 🤪 I always look at it as a fresh beginning ... every New Year’s Day I always sit and make a goal list of my life goals I would like to achieve that year.

I’m still the same person but there are things I would like to do to better my health and better my mind . So I am currently doing dry jan and I know so many people say “ what’s the point “ and kind of Belittle it and tbh I used to be one of those people and I do remember doing it a couple of years ago and thinking “ what’s the point in this “ but this year I feel very differently. Everyday I battle my way through my thoughts due to anxiety and my depression . I do so much to help myself through , talking , doing this blog , doing my insta posts on my “ feeling frazzled account “ , reading lots of mental health books , mindfulness , meditation , writing a journal , walking , exercise , eating healthy .. you get the jist ....but one thing I never gave up was alcohol . Now those who know me know I love a drink and know it’s a huge part of my character .. I’m not a heavy drinker ( anymore ) but I would buy a bottle maybe two a week and have a few glasses throughout the week but mostly the weekend . I don’t drink everyday or anything but I would get to Thursday ( thirsty Thursdays as I always call it ) have a couple .. same throughout the weekend . Like even on a Sunday I couldn’t cook a roast without having a glass of red with it !! It’s minor I know but I always feel it the next day even if it’s only two glasses and I feel it with my anxiety . Over Christmas I met up with one of my best friends and we went for dinner and then had a few gins and I woke up the next day feeling so horrific with anxiety ... and that’s when I said I just need a break this feeling isn’t worth it at all . That’s only really when I drink to access like that night I had had a glass of red , about 4 gins and a couple of espresso martinis ... I don’t usually drink that much tbf but it did make me question why do I make myself more and more anxious . I’m quite an outgoing girl and don’t need alcohol to have fun or anything but it’s just automatic isn’t it ? To be honest I think it’s just habit .. and don’t get me wrong I love going for dinner and really nice bars . I don’t do nightclubs anymore due to getting spiked very badly over a year ago and it really terrified me and it still does . I have had to have counselling to help me through it as I still get flashbacks but I definitely am in a better place . The world is fucking scary .

Anyway I got recommended a book called “ the unexpected joy of being sober “ when I read the cover my first thought was “ I hope this isn’t going to brainwash me into stopping drinking “ but it was not like that at all it was so raw and has made me think so much about myself . I related to some of the stuff in it as I do believe I did have an alcoholic period in my life where I was drinking far too much . I’m not an alcoholic but I do believe we can all have periods in our life where alcohol can take over. Just some of her stories really haunted me as I have gotten myself into really bad situations being so off my face . I’ve been barred from clubs , I’ve fallen asleep in club toilets , I’ve had my stomach pumped by paramedics on nights out , I’ve broken bones ... yeah this was all years ago but when I read this book all these flash backs came flooding back and I felt so ashamed of myself . I know we grow as we get older and we are “ older and wiser “ blah blah but I do think back and just wish I could tell that person I was it wasn’t the answer . I don’t regret anything ... of course I wish some things didn’t happen but I believe it has shaped me into the woman I am today . I got diagnosed with depression a couple of years ago but looking back to what I was like growing up in my early twenties especially I just wasn’t right . It was more than just having fun on a night out I was clearly deeply unhappy .

Anyway the point of this post is dry jan has been more of a health reason for me to see how clear my mind can be without it and to see if it eases my anxiety ...I am now 18 days in and I am feeling more energised and clear headed . I’m still anxious of course but it does feel different . It’s my birthday at the beginning of February and I’ve decided to wait and not have a drink until then .. and then after that I am just going to see how I go. I’m not saying I’m given it up forever because I don’t feel I need to do that but reading that book has definitely made me want to cut down massively . It’s like last night it was the first time I’d craved a drink since I started dry jan and when I actually thought about it .. I was feeling low and the drink would of just made me worse ... sure enough the feeling passed and I had a cuppa ! It’s little changes like that I would like to take on board for the future !! Also the book speaks so much on not having to rely on drink to have fun and bring you all the joys of life ... I want to work on that and realise that i don’t always need a drink to have fun .. !!

Other life goals I’ve made this year are moving more ... using my Fitbit as a motivator . Learning to cook more dishes as I sometimes get trapped in cooking the same things every week so I want to grow more with that . Meditate every day which I mostly do anyway but I want to make sure I stick to it as it really does help me and I notice when I haven’t meditated as I am more irritable . Small changes create big things ... looking after my mind is definitely my main priority..... so many of us tend to worry more about what we look like rather than focus on the real problem .. our thoughts !!

Anyway I’ve rambled on a lot now haha ! I hope this has helped and let me know what you think you can dm me on insta or Twitter and I love hearing back from people it really helps me and gives me so much strength . It’s not easy writing these blogs but I want to raise as much awareness for mental health as possible and help as many people as I can a well as helping myself !!

My insta where I post a lot on mental health is instagram.com/feeling.frazzled 😘🌈🌈 lots of love xxxxxx

[heckyeahsurveys]

#249

When’s the last time you did something you knew was wrong? idk, i’m on the phone to kt and she said “starting smth w/ jack when u don’t know what u want” ://// dont agree but ok

Do you hate the last guy/girl you had a thing with? idk what u define as a thing but gonna go w/ no 

Have you ever been out past curfew? yeh but never rly had a proper curfew 

Who was the last person you cried in front of? my whole family lol everyone was crying

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? yeh

Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize? nah never apologised to myself 

(from here is cont. on 4/5/17, started it two days ago lol)

Latest you stayed up in the past week? And why? 4am bc we went pub n stayed out till like 3 n then i was messaging jack until i fell asleep on him lol 

Do you cry a lot? Have you recently? yeye n yeh but probs no more than usual. idk i did for a few days but now i haven’t cried for a couple of days

Do you think that you’re a good person? not rly tbh 

What was on your mind most today? this fucking cold n how tired i’ve been, also jack/the situation lol 

Have you held hands with anyone today? nah

Last thing you and your ex boyfriend/girlfriend talked about? idk i don’t remember, i talked to her like all day 

Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced? thought about it but i wouldn’t

Have a best friend? yeye

Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time? no

Is a best friend/boyfriend/girlfriend or ex pissing you off at the moment? no

Do you have any plans for the weekend? work n revision :(( altho me n dad are going cinema tomorrow night but that’s it :/

For the rest of the week? well there’s only tomorrow so college n the cinema 

Are you in a good mood right now? no i can’t stop coughing 

What’s bothering you right now? this cough

Are you on medication for anything? yeah

Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone for over an hour? mayb kt but i think it was 50 minutes smth so not quite an hour

If you were upset, who’s the first girl you would go to? jenny probs, or just no one tbf

Do you need to say anything to someone? idk mayb

What was the worst mistake of your life? idk

When was the last time someone yelled at you? i don’t remember 

Who is the last person who called you? metro taxis x 

How many kids do you want to have? none

Have you kissed someone in the past month? nope :(

What made you sad today? idk life 

When was the last time you were disappointed? everyday 

Have you ever liked someone older than you? well yeah

cont. again on 5/5/17 cos am a mess lol 

Do you have a good relationship with your parents? ish, it depends 

Do you believe exes can be friends? ofc

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? idk 

Have you ever been a gymnast or a cheerleader? i did gymnastics when i was little but i quit at like 9 or smth

Will you talk to the person you like/love on the phone tonight? no, idek who i like anymore lol anyways 

What woke you up this morning? my alarm

What are you looking forward to in the next three months? the end of exams 

Has anyone ever told you they want to spend the rest of their life with you? no

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months? idk probs 

If you were pregnant, would your parents make you keep the baby? no??

Have you ever eaten raw pumpkin? nope

What was the reason you last received flowers? i don’t remember tbh

Do you have any neat scars? nah

Have you ever donated blood? nope

What did you do for Valentine’s day? went to jenny’s bc it’s our tradition :)

Have you ever joined a gym? nah

Do you eat breakfast daily? usually yeh

Are you irish? no

Who was the last person to cook dinner? me?

Is having sex on your mind? it wasn’t

What color is your bra? i’m not wearing one 

Do you answer the phones at your job? I don’t have a job

What movie do you really want to see? nothing, i wanted to see the new guardians of the galaxy but saw it today so

What time will you be getting up this morning? what?

How are you feeling at this exact moment in time? bad lol

Does your car have a name? I don’t have a car

What’s on your agenda for tomorrow? work n revision :((

Will you be in bed within twenty minutes? i’m in bed 

Who is your best friend? jenny n katie 

Can you sing at the top of your lungs right now, and not get in trouble? no my mum would go sick 

When was the last time you went to the zoo? years ago

Have you ever sworn in front of your parents? yeh all the time 

When was the last time you exercised? fuck knows

What sport did you last play? idk

Do you know how to insert a tampon? yeh

Have you ever seen a guy take a survey? no? idk i probs have tbh

Last thing that really hurt you? probs myself 

Are you ever afraid to be yourself? i guess sometimes? idk 

Did you kiss or hug anyone today? kidd no but yeh i hugged my dad

Does your heart ever ache for anyone? i guess

What makes you happiest right now? rn nothing

How many people have told you they were in love with you? none

Is any part of you sad at all? all of me 

Would you kiss anyone you have texts from in your phone? yes ://

Honestly, if you could go back one month and change something would you? my intial thought was yes, i would change so many things but then I thought about it & nah cos that could change things now and also some things couldn’t rly be changed?? like it just wouldn’t work to change something, idk it’s just bullshit rly isn’t it 

Are you the same person as you were at the beginning of 2008? well no

Has anyone told you they missed you lately? no

Do you have a bad temper? definitely

Do you believe that there’s good in everybody? idk, yeh but there’s bad in everybody too

What are you drinking right now? just finished a lemsip lol

Have you ever gone to work with a hangover? no bc i don’t work

Are you emotional? extremely

What’s something you wish you could go shopping for right now? idk nothing 

Something you want right now? to have no stresses or worries or things making me sad 

When you’re upset, who do you turn to? i usually don’t turn to anyone tbh

Have you done anything illegal in the last three days? i don’t think so??