#and then its so much more complicated bc im queer and trans and... who even knows how that would go

[alpineig]

I listened to the new bad bunny album bc my instagram was recommending me reels with the sound and... damn. yeah it hits. Anyways dtmf is going to be on repeat for a while.

[booblywooblies]

im gonna post this here bc i dont want anyone to get the wrong idea on main

ive been thinking for a long time about why detransitioners are usually afab, and i think im developing a couple theories. the first one is i think its more difficult to be classified as a man, genuinely, than a woman. i know that seems immediately incorrect bc a big aspect of transmisogyny is denying transfems their womanhood but i think even if transphobes are calling transfems men they dont really mean it. theres been some talk about which trans people have "male privilege" and some people argue transfems do and the most common response to that is that even if transfems are not out they are not regarded as true men, theres something about them that people can pick up on as inherently queer that others them from manhood (sometimes, all of this is sometimes nothing is universal)

i watched a video a while ago about the "incel to trans pipeline" which was kind of about the type of incel that isnt so much concerned with the lack of sex so much as being a failure as a man and how theres a group on like 4chan or something that seek transition not because theyre trans but to escape the pressures of masculinity and i thought that was really interesting

i think that in some ways, despite all the bullshit women go through with being belittled and objectified and disrespected, there is maybe some comfort in being the "weaker" gender, and the more "desireable" gender.

something ive been dealing with that, i mean it hasnt really been a struggle bc i enjoy men even when they are fat and greasy and hairy so im down with being that. theres something thats very weird about losing like, a certain pool of attention i guess. ive been hit with the realization that i will never be attractive to straight men again, and like thats a good thing because i wouldnt want them to see me as a woman im also kinda sad about it? like it feels like im losing a kind of power, even if its not a real power that has any actual use to me

and i probably dont even have to mention how intimidating it is to present myself to the world as a real man, especially when im 5 foot nothing and have H cups. like one thing when it comes to trans men that EVERYONE says about them is they are either basically only men in name, hanging on to their girly habits and interests in a way thats cringy and annoying, or they, in an effort to distance themselves from the first one just adopt toxic masculinity and beef up their own image of themselves by being more misogynistic

and obviously the first end is more on the people putting them down than the guys who are like that themselves, but thats what im really afraid of, ive already experienced being put down for my interests as a girl, the idea of being denied my real gender for any of that stuff is terrifying. and like, its kind of inherently misogynist to want to escape fully from femininity isnt it? and i do value anti-misogyny more than i do masculinity, thats definitely true in my heart. but it sort of feels at odds with each other, its hard to want to be a man, to seek approval as a man, to care about women being taken as seriously as you want to be taken, and to not put anyone down in your path to get there.

like if i wasnt so committed to it, if i believed this was ACTUALLY more in conflict than i really do, i could see myself as having a responsibility to not transition. im sure a lot of people have a different reason for doing that but i think it makes sense that so many afabs detransition because masculinity can break people.

and like BIG BIG BIG disclaimer, im not thinking about detransitioning, i dont think masculinity is inherently toxic, im gay and i have a cis husband, i think men are cool, i think women are cool and i like them a lot i respect them. im just inspecting this because i was not sure why it happens and i figured itd be in my best interest to figure it out, i think i have, i think its difficult and complicated but doesnt apply to me.

im transitioning bc it feels good and i have a man fetish 👍 and no one can stop me motherfucker

[fantastic-mr-corvid]

fuck it Cecio is a trans man. Celia 'acquired' some Anderos salve for him, and then when he was sent to his father, his father bought him a potion of sex shifting to finish of his transition.

more detail under the cut [+ bonus wtf is Celias gender. well she don't know either] warning for talk of dysphoria

As a kid Cecio wasn't particularly fussed about gender, he was his mothers precious little Cecio and his sisters little Ceci, and it wasn't like they could be picky with their clothes [not to mention Celia being masc as fuck] but once he was older [like 7] and started interacting with other kids, he realized he was uncomfortable being a seen as a girl and jealous of his male peers, so he told Celia and she asked him if he wanted to be a boy, and boom. trans. she asked around about it, and was pointed towards the salve, so just before puberty, she made sure to get enough money for sixth months of the salve, so he didn't have to go thru the wrong one. [his name was Cecio & he kept it bc its was kinda masculine anyway.]

once Cecio was in andoran, everything had said son [his father wasn't around for the birth & Cecio quickly socially transitioned] so his dad just went 'okay! ig i better but a sex shift potion' and boom. hes fully transitioned

Celia is gender queer herself, and while she normally uses she/her to self refer, she is more than comfortable with being referred to using he/him & they/them, and has spent many undercover missions as a man, and many non-undercover missions going along with what people assume. she has a complicated relationship with femininity, but its much more bc of how practical shes forced to be, and how the role of 'mother' was forced onto her.

Unlike Cecio, who was dysphoric even before puberty, Celia is fine with her body, even once she stops viewing it mainly as a tool. she just doesn't think about her gender that much, and deems it irrelevant. if she used technical labels [and cared enough to think about them] she would be some flavor of Agender and very slightly gender fluid [she sometimes does prefer to be him, but he doesn't get very dysphoric about it, and he has more to worry about.]

Cecio isn't loud about being trans, its just something that happened, and hes very secure in his identity as a gay man. if he hadn't had the potion he would not be having sex nearly as much as he does, bc of dysphoria. Luckily for him, even without the potion, his mothers face is very masculine, and he eventually is a stupidly tall 6 foot two. [the truly self indulgent character trait] & his father did one good thing and bankrolled the potion

while he did/does have dysphoria, hes now secure in himself due to his full transition, and is fine with being seen as a very pretty man. he could cut his hair, but he likes it long, and he now likes being just as beautiful as he is handsome. No-one has mistaken him for a woman in a long time, and if some of the guys make comments that are to close, well they can fuck off. he wont tell people, but if they ask, he will confirm, and then ask them if they have an issue with that? if not its chill.

and no matter how much anderos salve or sex change potions, Celia is still taller than him. L. hey at least hes 6 foot 2 even if he will never be taller than his sister!

also just celia being like 'fuck my lil sibling says gender dont fit. guess ill ask around' and learning all about it. and still being like 'im a woman ig' i love her/him/them<33 'im fine with all pronouns but i forget to use the others for myself' ass bitch. worlds worst agender. [its not misgendering to use she/her mainly at all! she does it herself]

[oh-no-boi]

its sort of.. eh? seeing the post abt like how figuring out ur identity to all the micro identities is uh individualistic and we should focus on what we have in common and stuff.... and i mean i agree

but its so weird bc i struggled with it and tried to dissect it all so much bc i felt like i didnt fit in with the ace community lol like it literally felt so isolating feeling like im ace but not emotionally connecting with what a lot of people were saying

im rly happy there are a lot more micro identites that are under asexuality and aromatism now and i can see myself in them better

finding the aces who wrote/drew porn, who also were facinated by sex, was just so comforting. and like there many of us, kinky aces are known as a thing now. i didnt see that when in high school, i saw more abt how oh aces dont want sex, and aros dont want relationships, and actually its so progressive to not want these things that even if u want them, u should not want them as a way to rebel. maybe that was a single post and many didnt feel this way but this *was* a pretty popular blog or at least it felt like it! and it fucked me up a bit lol

the day i did see a post of someone mentioning the same thing of like "oh daydreaming sex between ur ocs is hot but thats bc ur not in the equation and thats the only way u enjoy sex" with a name for the identity.. lol there were plenty of shitty replies that just diminished it as "lol no one cares abt ur sex fantasies, like we all have those, its not a sexuality/indentity" misunderstanding the frustration of like what it feels like to be into that and then left confused by not being turned on by like porn and actual human beings and just in relation to urself

i dont go by that micro identity, i dont need it anymore but teen me did

so i guess i just have a lot of emotion and stuff abt micro identities and figuring those out and feeling like ur not alone

i do just say im queer or gay and ace/aro spec these days, and of course trans nonbiney and also just dont rly care that much

i very much agree that a lot of shit gets used as gatekeeping and also pitting ppl against each other.. but i rly cant help but feel like sometimes it feels dismissive of figuring out wtf is going on with urself even if thats prob, u kno, not the point at all

idk i think when ur identity is complex and u feel so weirdly out if the loop of the rest, it matters a lot for self discovery.. but i guess with a focus in just what we have in common.. like i guess a bunch of this shouldnt have mattered if the focus from the start was just "oh yeah im queer and thats chill" but also like how do u seperate it from a journey of discovery of urself? even something like are u bi or just gay, does it matter? maybe not but it probably will to u.

u kno, its also funny but i feel like— well first i chilled out of sexuality bc i got all explorational and ?? with gender so mumy focus shifted— but a huge part of what helped me sort of figure out shit further is... masturbation haha and like please understand, im still a somewhat sex repulsed ace who has also been a bit sex/smut obsessed. it used to not make much sense in my mind, now maybe its still just as complicated but also eh simple enough. im still a kinky and smut obsessed little weirdo?, and im still sex repulsed and probably still wont end up having sex with anyone, i even look away from ppl kissing bc i find it gross, but heyyyy i also fucking love to jerk off 😏 and its all just been... thanks sex toys! bc the thing is, i still find it kinda gross, but also not as much now.. and also i cant do anything without sex toys bc i guess they give that distance my brain needs? but basically figuring this out and coming to be able to enjoy my body has also quieted the part of my brain that kept being curious abt sex and fully unsure if i could ever have it. im still not fully sure bc i feel like i can still change but its made me understand a lot more abt myself.

theres also still a lot im ?? abt.. my mind abt top surgery swings so wildly from yes to no, even like thoughts of micro dosing t is like yes i'd like to but also i like what i look like as well?? and as a friend kinda laughed at me, im most nervous abt facial hair, something that is not that hrd to deal with but im just ,,shaving 😱 lik3 buddy i havnt even shaved anything in years! (tho i used to hate armpit hair.. tho mainly i guess society 🙄 and now im.. ok with it but also yeah u prob wont catch me wearing a not tshirt in the summer lol)

..this post has gone nowhere

uh im gonna post bc i spend too long typing even tho i got a headache (tho hey the ice pack has helped! thanks google) but we can pretend i never did lol

[notabled-noodle]

okay. so. im having like a "am i a bad person" crisis and its gotten so confusing i cannot figure it out. so i thought maybe id ask for help? u dont have to answer, but id appreciate it if u did.

im trans. my mother knows. i did not come out. she just guessed and then confronted me with "i know u are and if you'd like to go to the doctor for gender stuff we can". okay? which is such a privilege right? shes offering to take me to a gender affirming doctor and all that shit.

i said thanks, I'll keep it in mind. but i dont feel grateful. i feel like she invaded my space, coming out and saying she knows im queer without even asking. but more than that, im actually pissed? this is the woman who will NOT use they/them pronouns because theyre "confusing" and she "cant figure them out", the woman who has said so much transphobic bullehit to me over the years, the woman who talks with my brother ALL the time and he only ever wants to talk about gross shit, like he supports cops, think trans people are a joke, all kinds of stuff and she not only says NOTHING but shes actually a part of those conversations???

so like, for me, im pissed bc in what world is this house a safe place to come out? if she knew i was trans, why does she let my brother keep saying that shit, my dad, my grandma too? why doesn't she learn how to use other people's pronouns properly and not misgender and deadname trans people every time they come up?

but at the same time! she offered to take me to the doctor to talk about hormones and gender affirming shit. and i know she wouldn't like, argue with me about my identity if i did choose to completely come out. so i really cant tell. am i just being an asshole?? am i overreacting? am i expecting too much? im juet kind of exhausted with the whole thing and she says she loves me so maybe i should just drop it? be grateful? i dont know.

these are all real and valid concerns. you’re not overreacting, and I’m so sorry this has happened. you didn’t deserve to have your privacy violated in that way, and you definitely shouldn’t have to listen to transphobic shit like that.

you’re allowed to take your mum’s offer of gender affirming healthcare whilst also being upset about the way she acts. you’re allowed to be grateful that she’s supporting you, whilst also not appreciating the way she clearly doesn’t support the rest of the community.

bigotry in your family is hard. people can change their ways over time, but it shouldn’t be your responsibility to have to constantly educate them. so while I think it’s probably a good idea to sit down and talk to your mum about all this, you’re also allowed to just be frustrated and not want to interact with these people.

however you feel about it is right, and you’re definitely not a bad person for it. this stuff is complicated, so your feelings are allowed to be complicated too.

[gender-dropout]

I am very deeply considering about coming out to everyone in my life soon and finally being known as a Nonbinary person publicly! (a rare personal update)

It's all been sorta spurred by my recent hair change. Tonight I dyed my hair red for the second time -- the first time was the first summer after me, my siblings, and my mom were finally able to get away from my dad. I originally was thinking of just making a post on my private personal account reserved for friends, lightheartedly comparing how different I look now to when I dyed my hair for the first time. However, it made me think about how that first time was probably also the biggest step I took in reclaiming my autonomy & my control over my appearance, and eventually that line of thought evolved into my journey as a queer person. How that was such a big leap in confidence for me and it made me realize how detrimental it is that I live truthfully whenever I can.

BASICALLY I want to use this as an excuse to finally say, loudly and proudly, that I am Nonbinary! To EVERYONE! The last time I had red hair it was a milestone of healing, and of progress in my advocacy for myself. After nearly 6 years, its red again. And I feel like this is such a prime opportunity to open myself up and really DELIVER for my 15 year old self. It's like she took that first step back then, and now it's my turn to make good on the investment and take the big step, which would be to stop pushing this to the side and finally own my identity. On my own terms this time, since I never got to come out as Bi. Its a mildly complicated story, but basically I was outed in a very dangerous way to my father bc of the internet. I had dreamed every day of the time when I would get to share that side of me with my family, only to have it weaponized before I even knew what was going on. After being heartbroken and crying for years about that moment being stolen from me, I'm so overjoyed at the thought of getting a second chance.

I am a tad worried though. I'm worried about the mental and emotional energy that may come with having to explain (what little I feel like explaining) and answer questions that may or may not be asked with a genuine desire to listen to my answer. I'm worried abt the possiblity of coming out and losing the love or comfort I have with some of my favorite people. Im worried about having to stand up to them & cut ties if it comes to it. I don't know. I know that the people who react with disrespect don't deserve me or my energy anyways, but I also know it's going to hurt regardless if it comes to it. Being bi (which I have been public about for years) is different than being trans/enby. It's just not as widely accepted yet, bc it's not as easy to ignore. There's still so much unchecked transphobia out there, and I just hope that none of the people who claimed to support me decide that being trans is where they draw the line.

That all being said, I am setting rules for myself. I am absolutely not going to defend my identity for anyone. I am not going to try to convince people or do an overhaul on their belief system. If anyone dms me with questions or their two cents, and they challenge me or try to debate, I'm putting a full stop to it & they can decide for themselves whether they're gonna continue to make an ass of themselves and get ignored/blocked, or whether they're going to be more respectful in their misunderstanding & do their own work to listen, understand, and learn. I really have no interest in trying to prove that I'm worthy of decent treatment, nor do I have any interest in staying in contact with someone who wants to police me like that. The last person in my life to do that was my dad, and I haven't seen or spoken to him since... God. Probably since I was 16. So yeah. Basically, I'm not new to being scrutinized & I'm obviously not willing to put up with it.

TL;DR: a recent hair change has made me incredibly nostalgic and reignited my motivation to advocate for my truest self. I'm planning on making a public Instagram post for my family, family friends, and old friends where I'll come out as Nonbinary, and despite being very anxious about it for a lot of reasons, I've decided that anyone who fucks around will, in fact, find out (via cutting ties).

Anyways. If you read all of that, thank you. If you have any advice, coming out stories, or kind words, I'd appreciate them. I'll definitely update when/If I work up the courage to do this, and as a parting note, I'd like to say that I've discovered that red is definitely my color ❤️

[vampireqrow-moved]

hey so I agree with a lot of the stuff in your post about the transphobia involved in the origin of the pansexual label, but I just have one question: what are the actual impacts of people with good intentions calling themselves pan? If you don't hate pansexuals and consider them bi, why type up a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of the origin of the label if it means the same thing in the way that most non transphobic people (your audience) use it? a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways (like bi and lesbian and anything really) and plenty of valid identities from problematic roots and evolve over time as people use them differently (queer, transsexual). so how is a person with good intentions using a not-perfect label in a way you don't like a threat to the community? if someone is using the label pan transphobically, wouldn't their bigotry exist independently? if pan people do not act in transphobic ways besides using the label pansexual, realistically what is changing if they call themselves bi beyond holier-than-thou aesthetic activism? plus, a blog on the internet isn't going to get everyone to stop identifying as pansexual, especially considering multiple prominent celebrities ID as pan. so why spend all that energy quibbling on semantics because some bi people use a slightly different word when you could be worrying about Literally anything else? just feels like you want to find something to argue about lol. extremely disappointed that I had to break a mutual

im going to respond to each thing you bring up chronologically- im not trying to nitpick or prioritize certain things you say ill just forget things if i go out of order and i dont want to miss something important. ALSO! i will be typing less formally (like keysmashes and shortening words n stuff) in this response than my og post bc its 1am as im starting to type this so im tired but i want to be clear that i am like. taking this seriously and im not like. mocking u in anyway if it could read that way?? i hope not but just in case anyways here it goes!

in terms of actual impact people with good intentions identifying as pan: honestly im not  sure the full scope of the impact this has, so ill only be speaking to what ive personally seen which might not be all. but like... id argue my younger self has good intentionals iding as pan. i wanted to support trans people, even if i didnt understand a lot of the nuance involved. as a result of this, i developed a sense of superiority over other bisexuals and a mentality that bisexuality was a primitive and lesser sexuality. that mentality is harmful, and although im not sure if it affected bisexuals around me (of which there are many most of my friends are bi ajfjfjf) its still a harmful mentality and can easily hurt people even if i specifically didnt. also using it even with good intentions, which i know many people have, still spreads and further normalizes a label that imo can not be separated from its transphobic origins. this effect is not as extreme as other forms of transphobia and biphobia by A LONG SHOT. the bi community faces a lot of other issues but that doesnt mean this one isnt worth addressing if that makes sense?

if i dont hate pansexuals: ik this is part of a larger point which i will adress but i specified this in my post bc i see a lot of other posts that are negative towards pansexuality have "i hate pan ppl" somewhere in it or a close equivalent. i do not shame these ppl for their anger, i just wanted to be clear i think a lot of pan ppl are bi ppl with good intentions choosing a label they dont fully understand based on a misunderstanding of bisexuality.

why write a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of pansexuals origin: ok 😭😭 the real reason here is that im literally just bad at summarizing. like thats literally it. i also like talking, its a bad combination. plus ive been thinking abt this for like. over a year im not even kidding and just like i have a lot of thoughts and figured if i was going to bother making my own post instead of rbing someone elses that i might as well get everything i wanted to say off my chest. ALSO BTW i literally got an ask like a week ago that was several paragraphs long asking me to explain my thoughts on why pan was harmful and some other stuff so like. this is partially responding to that and partially just me wanting to air my grievances ? idk if thats the right expression 😔😔

why write the post if my audience of people who identify as pan arent doing it in a transphobic way ? again sorry i didnt really understand the phrasing so i hope this is a vaguely correct summary!! um but like... again imo i think pan cant be separated from its transphobia and like. again imo iding as pan is like. a transphobic action/choice? obviously one transphobic thing does mean someone necessarily is like officially a Transphobe (it CAN be depending on the action but i dont think that applies here) but that doesnt mean there arent problems with what they did. this is like very complicated, but like. someone doing something harmful without the knowlege that its harmful doesnt make that person a bigot by any means it just means they didnt know. and i feel thats the case here? a lot of ppl (myself included until recently) know next to nothing abt pansexualitys origins so a trans inclusve sexuality might seem like a safe and good bet just because they dont know too much abt it, and like? i cant hate those people cause that was me for 5+ years and djgjfjdj you just dont know what you dont know!

basically i think iding with a transphobic label is inherently a singular transphobic action that doesnt make the person transphobic by itself, but is still a transphobic instance.

a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways like bi, lesbian, etc.: this is true and a point i attempted to make on my original post, but i might not have clear enough. my issue with pan is specifically that it is a transphobic response to a preexisting identity. lesbian isnt an attempted trans inclusive indentity that replaced an identity that already existed (which have many trans ppl identifying with the og label). transphobes can use whatever labels they want, but transphobes using a label vs a label having a transphobic origin is very different. bigots use inclusive and supporting language for their bigotry all the time but language that originated with that bigotry is worse.

many valid identities stem from problemstic origins (like transsexual and queer) but the words evolve: ok my paraphrasing is a little weird there. anyways. the thing here is that. those are slurs. reclaimed slurs that can be empowering to many people, yes, but slurs nonetheless. reclaiming a slur is taking a harmful word and wearing it as a badge of pride. first off, pansexual is not a slur (ur not implying that in anyway just. saying) and it isnt being reclaimed when people dont treat it as having harmful origins. transsexual is the way some people identify but ppl acknowlege its a slur and originates from transphobia. ppl love to act like queer isnt a slur, which is an issue in and of itself, but just. factually it has historically and is currently being used against ppl with the intent to hurt them. pansexual isnt on the same level as these and other words like the f slur, d slur, etc. pansexual originates from trans and biphobia WITHIN the community and not outside of it, and most pansexuals dont see themselves as reclaiming the title because they dont think anythings wrong with it in the first place. and reclaiming it just seems unnecessary considering its history? theres no empowerment from using pan as a label as opposed to queer or transsexual, and it just divides the bisexual community for no reason.

how is a person using a not-perfect label a threat to the community? ok i dont think its a threat but still an issue if that difference makes sense? id like to reiterate a few things ive said before, but for me personally, it made me look down on bisexuals and see them as lesser, and it made people around me see pan as the "trans inclusive" sexuality as opposed to bisexuality, and basically its usage just leads to further biphobia. is this the worst of biphobia? no!!! but its still biphobia and why not attempt to target and minimize that? i have no way to singlehandedly stop biphobia, but my post might get through to my friends who id as pan and that small thing is better than nothing.

if someone used the pan label in a transphobic way, wouldnt that bigotry be different from people using it not transphobically?: someone claiming all bi ppl are transphobic and only pan is the acceptable label is obviously a lot worse than someone iding as pan and saying bi/pan solidarity but again, the second isnt not an issue because the first one is a bigger issue, its just a smaller issue in comparison. i wouldnt say the bigotry is different, one is just worse than the other, but it still has the same problems.

if pan people dont do anything transphobic other than id as pan then what changes with iding as bi over pan other holier-than-thou activism: its just one less person using a transphobic label? which isnt that big but it might lead to their friends stopping iding as pan and cause fewer people around them to see bi as a transphobic identity. which is small scale stuff, i wont try to blow it out of proportion, but thats still a step in the right direction and hopefully more people follow with it. its not terribly huge or lifechanging but something small that may only affect the people close to you is still something rather than nothing.

a blog the internet isnt going to get people to stop iding as pan: oh absolutely not. honestly i expected to get unfollowed/blocked more than change peoples minds regarding the pan label (im surprised i only lost two followers so far honestly) but again, someone literally asked me to do this and i wanted to be clear on my stance on the label, since in the past ive been supportive of it. im not expecting the post to get more than five likes, its more directed to my followers rather than the internet as a whole. im not expecting a large impact, im hoping to change the minds of my followers and friends who id as and support the pan label. thats it. if something bigger comes from it- great! but thats not what im aiming to do.

prev point + many prominent celebrities id as pan: the first name that comes to mind is someone im not a fan of for separate reasons but thats irrelevant. i mean im repeating myself a bit but some celebrities in the past validated and made me feel excited abt my identity as a pan person when they came out, and it justified the label to me, even when i had doubts. i have never interacted with a celebrity and do not plan to change their minds abt their identity. again, my post was for my friends and followers and maybe who ever was scrolling through the biphobia tag and decided to read my post.

why spend that much energy worrying abt the pan label instead of something else: ive spent waaaaay more energy thinking abt a singular meme i didnt like regarding my favourite rwby character so like. maybe i just overreact to things lol. maybe i have a lot of energy and since i cant talk my friends ears off abt my favourite fruits or the different voting methods i learned in my math class or what would dreams taste like, then i gotta put my energy into something. idk. i have a lot of energy and honestly? this didnt take that much. but i felt it weighing on me as my friends talked positively abt the pan label, when i felt guilty for the superiority i felt over my bi friends INCLUDING my best friend and favourite person in the world so like. i spent enough energy worrying abt it, and like. in hindsight since its been over 12 hours since posting it, im thinking abt it less. i was more worried abt feeling dishonest with my friends than actually worrying abt pansexuality, but i figured i owed them an explanation for why my feelings around it had changed.

just feels like you want to find something to argue about: okay i DO love arguing but im not pulling this out of my ass for fun. its in response to posts ive seen on my dash, asks i recieved abt pansexuality, and my way of letting people know my views have changed and why since i know at least some people are curious.

i am sorry to lose a mutual as well, and i genuinely hope things go well for you, but uh yeah thats that.

again, if people have further questions im willing to answer them i just might take a while bc i have school and other stuff 2 do but uhhh yea sorry if im clogging ur dash sjfjfkkf

[knuckleduster]

gimmie that full ace discourse

okay sorry for this in 2019 but i promise this is a nuanced take also dont reblog i really dont feel like arguing over this

the idea of ace inclusionism versus ace exclusionism is a very much useless distinction. it is a debate to determine if the “ace community” (whatever is meant w that at the time) is part of the “lgbt community”. the problem here is that there is no larger authority that decides what is or is not included in the “lgbt community”, it could be argued that there is no such thing as a larger lgbt community in general, just lgbt people and organizations and spaces for those people (i dont fully agree w this as there is also shared experience between lgbt people which could be seen as a form of community, but that isnt really relevant here bc shared experience is not unique to lgbt people or ace people or whatever). those specific organizations and spaces have different takes on what being lgbt is and who is lgbt, this is essentially where ace discourse becomes an actual thing. my take here is that, just like some essentially lgbt spaces include allies despite them not being lesbian gay bi or trans, these organizations should be able to decide whether or not ace inclusion is relevant to their actions or not. an organization dedicated to spreading education about gender and sexuality will benefit from including ace people in their lgbt programmes,  meanwhile a gay bar doesn’t necessarily have to cater to ace people specifically, even if they can obviously come, just like straight cis people. 

obviously the decision of a group or organization to exclude or include a certain group can be critized or not handled well, which it often is (online groups for education on sexuality and gender starting w hyperspecific ace identities instead of explaining being a lesbian etc) but i do think there is not one solution to the acronym that will fit every situation.

i also think that adopting this stance towards more lgbt identities (especially transness) can be dangerous, and any space claiming to be an lgbt safe space should always be safe for trans people. trans, gay, lesbian and bi identities are connected to a point where dividing them is useless and also harmful.

and here comes probably the more controversial point: i dont think aphobia exists as a form of oppression. there is no societal oppression of asexual people, even if individual discrimination exists towards asexuals. this does not mean that there is never a moment where the interests of oppressed groups and asexual people would align, which is why im not against the inclusion of ace people in appropriate settings that are deemed “lgbt spaces”

also ace people cant reclaim queer lol its a slur that has never been aimed at them please just think abt this one. dont know why this one is so popular i get that “queer is a good term for people who have complicated identities” but if ur just ace just say ur ace

also if any1 wants to figure out if this makes me an “aphobe”: personally id usually be more content w spaces claiming to be for lgbt people not explicitly including asexuality, because i think more often than not its just not relevant wrt the objectives of these spaces (with exceptions of course otherwise i wouldnt have written this whole thing out)

[abcdefgcookiemonster]

the thorn in pride's side

so when people talk about pride, they talk about their struggles to overcome society's chains that have been confining them since birth and their families, their peers, coworkers, the suffering and the journey. i have the utmost respect for those stories and i would gladly sit and listen to each and every one, as i have with everyone ive met with a story to tell. but when it comes to me, i stay quiet. im gay. yay, except im nothin special. being gay is no gift according to those who cant live in their homes because they have homophobic parents or those who cant get a job because they live in rural homophobic towns, or a myriad of reasons. but then again, being gay grants you an all access pass to some of the wisest souls youll ever meet--those who are trans and live a different narrative, we get to connect because were not bread, were cakes of all kinds; those who are bisexual and share so many similarities yet live an even more complicated life and have to be so strong to be true to themselves-- there are so many more i cant write them all out but props to the aces and aros who have to pave their own path in this sex/romance driven world, props to the pans who have to call themselves bi sometimes because people are too dense to grasp simplicity, props to polys who may not find someone as cool with polyamory as they hope, or polys who have to hide from the world bc poly marriage is still illegal. props to everyone i missed and all the inbetweenies. i have so much respect for you all. and then, theres me. how can i have so much respect and pride in all these existences i just called upon, and not be proud of myself? because im in a funk this pride? because i lost my will to hope? because i hate the concept of time? maybe, but i think its more to do with me. i knew i was into girls the summer after fourth grade--sleepover, my house, truth or dare. i had no choice, but despite how much i protested having my first kiss be as a dare, i awoke the queer in me. it was julia, my first kiss. and my next few too. and since im stubborn and secretive, i simply kept it to me and my friends and believed there was nothing wrong with liking girls. they all called it "practice for when we date boys" but i knew better, and i was a lil hoe in elementary and middle school. i was thriving, while also getting heartbroken by all of my friends. picture highschool now, where no one knew because i hadnt dated before so how was anyone supposed to know? i finally dated and gained my rep as gay, and finally fell in love with susan. she was the moon and the stars and the flowers and the rain. she was my first real love and she was honestly my only real love. after susan there was ailinh, who i thought i loved but she really loved someone else, and then kenz, who i really wanted to love but she'd been hurt too many times, too recently, and just is doing bigger and better things than dating. susan and kenz both stayed my friends, and ailinh has the open invite whenever she wants it, but why should any of that make me proud? if i should be proud of anyone, its the one i loved and the one i wish id gotten to love. im just me, im just here, waiting, wishing i didnt have to rely on intimacy or sex or support or companionship because all its doing today is weakening me. sure, its for a girl. woopty doo. but the fact of the matter is, im just alone and proud of everyone but myself. no one reads this but if you do, i dont need to hear that i should be proud of myself because im just one shard in a mosaic of beauty, and a shard like me wont disrupt the harmony of the beauty. of course i dont mean anyone else is invalidated, i just cant bring myself to be proud of myself, not because i cant accept pride, but because i dont feel like im anything worth being proud of. happy. pride. (#pridedepression yes this is a great combo make me feel like im apart during a time where were supposed to feel a whole. fuck me uP).

[taketaemtoyourleader]

are people aware that you can date people of the opposite sex and still be gay? i mean, i know PLENTY of gays and lesbians that used to date plenty of people of the opposite sex before realizing they were actually gay, so i'll never understand why people keep bringing jonghyun's "girlfriends" (afaik he's only dated ONE woman publicly but people acts as if he dated several women) when that doesn't exclude him from being gay either. also "what's so special about being bi?" fuck that biphobia.

i dont like the usage of the term “opposite sex” or “opposite gender” bc its often used to imply that men and women are “opposite genders” and also that there are no other genders. im not saying that was your intention. just explaining. i prefer the term “different gender.” it gets across the idea that you’re not talking about your same gender without implying a binary, erasing nonbinary genders, or reinforcing problematic sexist constructs about manhood and womanhood being Opposite in some way.

but to get to the rest of your message: i largely agree with you. i think many people (a lot of cishets in particular) have this idea that to be Truly Gay, you have to know from the time you’re like… 4 years old, and you have to never date someone who isnt your same gender, and you have to be out, or at least exhibiting The Obvious Signs Of Being A Gay, which often have to do with whatever stereotypes cishets attach to queer people.

and look: there are some queer people who do indeed fit all or most of those qualifications, for whatever reason, including that maybe it’s just naturally how they express themselves. which is fine. and being a gay person who fits gay stereotypes doesnt make you a stereotype. you’re just being you, and its not your fault that cishets flatten and dehumanize you.

but there are also a lot of queer people who dont know until theyre 17, or 34, or 68 years old, or even older. there are a lot of queer people who grow up thinking and saying that they are straight. there are a lot of queer people who are bisexual or pansexual and think theyre straight bc, you know, if you’re a boy who’s into girls, and you don’t know much about bi/pan folk, you’re often going to assume you’re straight. there are a lot of queer folk who do in fact know that they are queer but stay closeted because they wanna stay safe and keep their family, their job, their place of worship, their school, etc.

there are gay boys who date girls bc they dont know yet that they’re gay. there are bi/pan boys who date girls bc theyre genuinely into girls, and also bc society doesnt make it easy for them to have other options. there are ace boys who date girls bc It’s What You Do. there are ace boys in queer/quasiplatonic relationships with girls. there are gay boys who date trans boys who society thinks are girls. there are gay boys who date gay girls bc they are mutually bearding for each other. there are queer boys who date girls bc its convenient. there are queer boys who date girls bc theyre scared. there are queer boys who date girls and boys at the same time. there are queer boys who continue to be partnered to a girl after coming out to themself as not being sexually or romantically into girls bc they realize that they have a bond with this girl that is more important to them than sex or romance. there are gay boys who stay married to girls bc they wanna provide a stable home environment for their kids.

this isnt an exhaustive list, and it isnt even factoring in how your own gender(s) or lack thereof and your changing knowledge and understanding and acceptance of it can affect your sexual and romantic orientations.

this shit is Complicated. its often fluid. many of us learn this stuff through trial and error, over many years of trying on and casting off different labels. and it’s hard, because we don’t have a manual, and bc cishets like to act like we dont exist, or that we’re only real if we do A, B, or C, or present like X, Y, or Z.

so when cishets look at a person and go: “he cant be gay/queer! he had/has a girlfriend!” it just shows their overwhelming ignorance of what it means to be queer and closeted and deal with the complicated and often fluid natures of gender and sexuality.