#and then in the end- the poem ends with a bipolar diagnosis

[alittlebitofrainbyyourside]

feeling extremely emo about the incredibly emo poetry I used to write.

[blackbirdandbutterfly]

Answers, at long last...

For the past seven years, I have lived with persistent auditory hallucinations. Sometimes they roar, sometimes they whisper, but they're always there. When they first reared their ugly head, neither my doctor nor my psychiatrist took me very seriously. They blamed it on Borderline Personality Disorder. At the time I accepted it, because my own research supported the fact that sometimes people with BPD suffer from this.

But what people with BPD don't experience is voices telling them that they're the Devil's Whore, that someone has poisoned your well, that someone is hunting you down to kill you. They don't experience voices telling them to stop taking their medication, because it's poison. They don't experience voices telling them to flush their mother's medication (again, because poison). They don't experience voices telling them that they have to always keep moving, or else the person hunting them is going to find them and they and everyone they know is going to die. This is the sort of thing I've lived with for SEVEN. YEARS. And I was never taken seriously.

The only reason I managed to function for as long as I did was because I was lucid enough to know that they were hallucinations. I knew to ignore them. But whenever I go through periods of extreme stress, the voices get worse. Whether I listen to them or not, they're impossible to ignore. They say things that can be absolutely terrifying.

Less than a year ago, I ended up with a new primary care provider; a Nurse Practitioner. When I first told her about the voices, she was appalled that my previous doctors thought it was acceptable to just bring the voices down to a dull roar. When things started getting really bad again recently, this woman fought for me like no one else ever did. She got me the help I needed.

At long last, I'm getting diagnosed with what I knew I had - schizoaffective disorder. This means that I can actually get help when things get bad rather than just have an ineffective medication constantly increased. I have since been put on a new antipsychotic medication that manages my bipolar symptoms as well as psychosis. Since I've been on it, most days I don't hear the voices at all. Having peace and quiet in my mind after 7 years has been pure bliss. I'm finally starting to reconnect with the person I used to be. I missed that person, so damn much.

I'm so relieved to finally have answers. But I'm also really angry at the doctors who didn't take me seriously. Being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder feels like the 21st century equivalent of being diagnosed with Hysteria. So far as they're concerned you're just a drama queen who doesn't know what's going on and you should never be taken seriously. I got that diagnosis nearly 15 years ago, and it was never really revisited despite me begging to be psychoanalyzed again.

To the Nurse Practitioner who fought for me - thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You're never going to read this, but I'm going to find some way to thank you properly. In the few months that I've known you, you have given me more help than doctors have in the past 10 years. You are truly my guardian angel, and I am so grateful for having met you.

Now that that's out of the way, I want to address what I've been posting. Lately I haven't felt much poetry brewing in me. I'm feeling disenchanted with love, and that has always been my main source of inspiration. It all came from my happy place...dreams of a man I was fully convinced I would meet one day. But the voices all pretended to be him. They destroyed him for me. Maybe some day I'll feel ready to write love poems again, but right now I'm focusing most of my creative energy on a novel: Loup Garou Detective Agency. I have been posting excerpts, but so far no one seems too interested. I could post full chapters if people want me to. If you're reading this, please take a look through the excerpts that I've posted and let me know what you think. If people are at all intrigued, I'll start posting full chapters starting from the beginning. I desperately want to get published this year, and maybe if I can generate enough interest here a publisher will actually think about picking it up.

I'm still going to try to post poetry once in a while. I'm just struggling to find a muse now that my Gentle Giant is lost to me. I miss him so damned much...but maybe he was a crutch that I needed to let go of, in order to heal. It doesn't feel that way though. I just feel like he was another source of joy that the voices stole from me. Maybe some day I'll find my way back to him...but right now thinking of him just makes me want to cry.

[princepestilence]

NYR: October in review.

Post-October horoscope: "And like the moon, we must go through phases”

It says something of the month it’s already been that I haven’t gotten around to this until now. Everything happens so much, etc. etc., ad nauseum. Here’s some of what happened in October:

reading. A lot of the reading has been comfort books, devoured late into the night when I couldn’t sleep, but it’s been nice. 

board of management. I’ve officially had my interview and sent in my paperwork and been accepted, so that’s neat. I’ll meet with everyone for the first time next month. 

poetry submission. I don’t think it’ll lead anywhere, because I feel like I have some growing left to go in this space, but I wrote a poem and sent it into a poetry anthology, so that’s an achievement.

paper submission. Managed to get this paper written, recorded, and submitted almost on time, which given how unwell I was for most of last month is not too shabby. 

got diagnosed, started medication. Finally got a diagnosis for bipolar mood disorder after fifteen years or whatever it’s been, and I’ve started trying some medication. The first fortnight I was very unwell, but it’s come good now. Now to wait and see.

apartment lease renewed. Not an achievement or anything but definitely a relief. Did not want to go back on the rental market again so soon. 

work going well, mostly. The new conference is a headache that has me stressed but it’s nice to have the other two basically wrapped up with nothing left to do until actually running them next year. I’m trying to take it as a compliment that my boss wants me to lead on this one, but it’s going to be a challenge and I just hope he’s prepared for it to take a while.

In November, I will: 

have an important work chat + good performance review. Already happened but I got confirmation that my boss is keeping me on after probation ends in January and really likes me work etc., and also we talked about my meds + some practicality stuff and overall I am cautious optimistic about long-term prospects here.

saw my family for the first time in four months. Also already happened, but it was nice. I spent most of the time sorting books and talking to my mum, and eating my favourite noodles in the whole world. Ideal weekend. 

fish game! Also already happened, but one of my favourite games got a very cool new DLC that’s really going to make a big splash (ha) + I’m keen to build some gorgeous new aquariums.

turn twenty-eight. wow. Happened a few days ago. I don’t feel any different, but you never do. Inching closer to thirty, which feels completely unreal. I do like how my life is turning out, though. That’s pretty cool so far.

get new shoes, update wardrobe. Did this a few days ago. It was long overdue, but I’m genuinely stoked with some of the nice new things I’ve gotten. I think it’ll do me a lot of good to be able to dress nicely when I go out and about. On that note...

start working at the office (scary). This has been making me nervous since I got the job about four months ago. I don’t typically enjoy being in an office space with other people around, so I’m concerned about adjusting to that environment. Also, the commute is going to be a lot. We’ll see how it goes, but I think it’s going to be a bit rough for a few weeks at least.

write book review. Really got to get onto this one this month. Definitely one of the higher priorities. 

chapter three of thesis (start, but if I finish it, cool). I have some reservations about even suggesting this, but I would like to at least get this next chapter off the ground. If I can get it done by the end of the year, that means I’ve only got about 1.5 chapters left to go of the full first draft, so I’m really energised to get it done with. Once the thesis is finished, I can start on major creative works, so I have additional motivation and I want to capitalise on that.

keep reading. Given how much time I’m going to be spending on trains for the next while, I think this will be an easy task. 

leave more comments. Something I’ve thought about for a while is that I’d like to be a more responsive enjoyer of things people make. To be fair, I haven’t engaged with fanfiction or mods or anything for ages and ages, but I know how much I like to hear when people like what I do, so I’d like to put more of a concerted, thoughtful effort into doing the same for other people going forward. 

work through the film backlog. There’s a lot of films (especially now that I scooped up a lot of my family’s old DVDs they were going to donate) that I’ve been interested in watching, so I’m going to maybe pick an evening a week to sit down and watch a film. 

[curiouserandthatmuchcuriouser]

I don't talk a lot about this on social media, but two years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Next month is Bipolar Awareness Month, and even though it's not here quite yet, I'd like to share my story. We all fight secret battles, and the first step to breaking the stigma of mental illness is starting a dialogue and finding compassion for others as well as ourselves.

Around December 2018, I started feeling... different than I normally do. I didn't understand what was happening at the time: I'd never had so much energy before, and at first it was exhilarating. I was running around, talking a mile a minute, suddenly completely free of the social anxiety that's plagued me my entire life, completing chores & errands in record time, and feeling on top of the world. My mind was overflowing with creativity, ideas for poems and essays and songs and even a full musical of my own design (in hindsight, it's all nonsense of course). My appetite slipped away and I suddenly felt free from the constraints of sleep, even though I'd never been more productive. I barely ate or slept, but I wasn't hungry or tired. I lost so much weight and I barely noticed.

At the same time, my moods were swinging all over the place -- I was irritable, I was ecstatic, I was angry, I was morose, I was playful, I was paranoid. I was charismatic, I was churlish, I was ambitious, I was friendly, I was sullen. I was crazy. Naturally I was too busy with my newfound productivity and "creative genius" (lol) to even notice the mood swings. I was an artist! With an artist's temperament! And there was so much to write! I started carrying around yellow sticky notepads in my pockets so I could write down my "brilliant" epiphanies (hint: it was more nonsense) wherever I went. I filled them up within days. My handwriting changed, became sloppier, messier. So many thoughts, I couldn't get them down fast enough.

My thought process, my inner monologue, became fast, then rapid, then downright muddled. It was like a movie playing at warp speed in my head, all day, every day, and most of the night too because who needed sleep when there was so much to think about? I developed a horrible sense of grandiosity. It was my newfound purpose in life to help people, personal cost be damned. I gave the coat off my back to a homeless man begging for change at the dollar store. I impulsively blew through what little savings I had on… I don't even know what. On useless crap that I didn't need.

Paranoia overtook my psyche. I was certain that some of my friends were conspiring against me in various ways, and I wouldn't (couldn't) shut up about it to anyone who would listen. I was suspicious of the world at large. I started walking around with a knife tucked into my boot (thankfully I never used it). I drove too fast, recklessly, getting lost on familiar streets (that's not poetic license, I actually found myself getting disoriented in familiar neighborhoods and needing the GPS to find my way home). I was crying while driving, sobbing and squinting at the cars ahead of me. Everything I experienced was fast and bright and sharp in the most confusing ways.

I still thought I was invincible. I was not invincible. In fact, I was 24 years old and I was experiencing my first manic episode, and it ended up being the scariest period of my life thus far.

I couldn't focus on my job anymore, a job that I loved, a job that I had worked hard to get. I would sit down to read an email and the words would swim before my eyes like a school of fish. If I tried typing anything, at least half the words would be misspelled and I'd have to start over. I wasn't getting any work done, not really. I couldn't sit still. I started pacing around the office every chance I could get and taking long walks at night in the winter chill (which I barely felt). I was feverish with mania. I was aggravated by random things and I would lash out at random people, even family and friends (perhaps especially family and friends). No one understood what I was going through, least of all myself.

Finally -- I don't even remember how I realized something was off since I was so far gone at that point -- a lightbulb went on in my head amidst the chaotic movie screen of jumbled thoughts and I realized: I'm not usually like this. I feel... sick. And when a quick Google search of my symptoms suggested "bipolar disorder," I knew I had to get help. One thing led to another, and in January 2019, I ended up moving back into my mom's house and taking medical leave from my job, the job that I loved, to do outpatient group therapy five times a week for several weeks at a nearby hospital… only to quit that job, the job that I loved, almost immediately upon returning to it because I didn't realize beforehand just how long it would take for me to recover.

I was so ashamed about quitting that job, and I still carry some of that shame around to this day, but the circumstances were completely untenable. I was on three different kinds of antipsychotics, which were expensive and caused me to gain close to 100 lbs during the time I was on them. The other side effects of those meds, like the drowsiness and the brain fog, were awful. After five-times-a-week group therapy, I graduated to once-a-week individual therapy (so proud, I know). It took me weeks to regain the ability to read more than a paragraph at a time, which was torture for me, an English major and avid reader. Television became a crutch, an easy way to pass the restless hours. I slept as much as possible during the day because I was so deeply ashamed of how far I'd fallen.

Eventually, I did recover. Considering the state I was in, I am *exceptionally lucky* and I think about that everyday. The meds, the therapy, and time did their job and helped me get back to myself. I still occasionally struggle with symptoms of depression and mania, and I always will. I'll never be the person I was before my diagnosis, but that's okay. I know who I am now, even the dark parts, and I know how to take care of all of me. That's the most important piece of the puzzle: self-awareness and self-care in equal measure.

Looking back, it truly feels like a different person inhabited my body during those awful months. An insane person, one I'd be embarrassed to know, let alone be. My brain became a snapping turtle, and no one was safe. I lost friends, people I trusted who just couldn't see past the actions and harsh words that my illness caused, even after I sought treatment and tried to make amends via heartfelt apology letters and frantic explanations. There is a fine line between accountability for past mistakes and reckoning with mental illness, and in some ways I still feel like I'm walking that line. But at least now I know I can let go some of that shame.

I am forever grateful to my wonderful network of family, friends, and mental health professionals who supported me every step of the way and saw me through to the other side. I love you. I wouldn't be myself without you. Thank you.

If you or someone you love struggle with mental illness, don't try to sweep it under the rug. Know the signs, and seek treatment. Help is available. Getting better is possible.

We all fight secret battles. Let's lead with compassion.

[oberlincollegelibraries]

Weekend Edition: Indigenous People’s Day, Part 2

We are continuing our celebration of Indigenous People’s Day today by highlighting recent works of fiction, poetry, and a memoir by Indigenous authors. To discover more must-reads, visit the First Nations Development Institute’s #NativeReads page. Almost all of the books on their 10 Featured Books for 2020 are held at OCL (and we’re ordering the one we’re missing!). Just search OBIS by title to find the ones you’d like to read. 

New Poets of Native Nations edited by Heid E. Edrich

A landmark anthology celebrating twenty-one Native poets first published in the twenty-first century New Poets of Native Nations gathers poets of diverse ages, styles, languages, and tribal affiliations to present the extraordinary range and power of new Native poetry. Heid E. Erdrich has selected twenty-one poets whose first books were published after the year 2000 to highlight the exciting works coming up after Joy Harjo and Sherman Alexie. Collected here are poems of great breadth--long narratives, political outcries, experimental works, and traditional lyrics--and the result is an essential anthology of some of the best poets writing now. Poets included are Tacey M. Atsitty, Trevino L. Brings Plenty, Julian Talamantez Brolaski, Laura Da', Natalie Diaz, Jennifer Elise Foerster, Eric Gansworth, Gordon Henry, Jr., Sy Hoahwah, LeAnne Howe, Layli Long Soldier, Janet McAdams, Brandy Nalani McDougall, Margaret Noodin, dg okpik, Craig Santos Perez, Tommy Pico, Cedar Sigo, M. L. Smoker, Gwen Westerman, and Karenne Wood.

There There by Tommy Orange

Twelve Native Americans came to the Big Oakland Powwow for different reasons. Jacquie Red Feather is newly sober and trying to make it back to the family she left behind in shame. Dene Oxedrene is pulling his life together after his uncle's death and has come to work the powwow and to honor his uncle's memory. Edwin Frank has come to find his true father. Bobby Big Medicine has come to drum the Grand Entry. Opal Viola Victoria Bear Shield has come to watch her nephew Orvil Red Feather; Orvil has taught himself Indian dance through YouTube videos, and he has come to the powwow to dance in public for the very first time. Tony Loneman is a young Native American boy whose future seems destined to be as bleak as his past, and he has come to the Powwow with darker intentions--intentions that will destroy the lives of everyone in his path. Tommy Orange delivers a wondrous and shattering portrait of an America few of us have ever seen. A multi-generational, relentlessly paced story about violence and recovery, hope and loss, identity and power, dislocation and communion, and the beauty and despair woven into the history of a nation and its people.

Future  Home of the Living God: a Novel by Louise Erdrich

The world as we know it is ending. Evolution has reversed itself, affecting every living creature on earth. Science cannot stop the world from running backwards, as woman after woman gives birth to infants that appear to be primitive species of humans. Twenty-six-year-old Cedar Hawk Songmaker, adopted daughter of a pair of big-hearted, open-minded Minneapolis liberals, is as disturbed and uncertain as the rest of America around her. But for Cedar, this change is profound and deeply personal. She is four months pregnant. Though she wants to tell the adoptive parents who raised her from infancy, Cedar first feels compelled to find her birth mother, Mary Potts, an Ojibwe living on the reservation, to understand both her and her baby's origins. As Cedar goes back to her own biological beginnings, society around her begins to disintegrate, fueled by a swelling panic about the end of humanity. There are rumors of martial law, of Congress confining pregnant women. Of a registry, and rewards for those who turn these wanted women in. Flickering through the chaos are signs of increasing repression: a shaken Cedar witnesses a family wrenched apart when police violently drag a mother from her husband and child in a parking lot. The streets of her neighborhood have been renamed with Bible verses. A stranger answers the phone when she calls her adoptive parents, who have vanished without a trace. It will take all Cedar has to avoid the prying eyes of potential informants and keep her baby safe.  

Heart Berries: a Memoir by Terese Marie Mailhot

"Heart Berries is a powerful, poetic memoir of a woman's coming of age on the Seabird Island Indian Reservation in the Pacific Northwest. Having survived a profoundly dysfunctional upbringing only to find herself hospitalized and facing a dual diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder and bipolar II disorder; Terese Marie Mailhot is given a notebook and begins to write her way out of trauma. The triumphant result is Heart Berries, a memorial for Mailhot's mother, a social worker and activist who had a thing for prisoners; a story of reconciliation with her father-an abusive drunk and a brilliant artist-who was murdered under mysterious circumstances; and an elegy on how difficult it is to love someone while dragging the long shadows of shame. Mailhot trusts the reader to understand that memory isn't exact, but melded to imagination, pain, and what we can bring ourselves to accept. Her unique and at times unsettling voice graphically illustrates her mental state. As she writes, she discovers her own true voice, seizes control of her story, and, in so doing, reestablishes her connection to her family, to her people, and to her place in the world."-- Provided by publisher

[bipolarneon]

get to know neon

thanks to @phoenix-rising-and-falling for giving me the template.

General

Type 1 or type 2? I don’t know. Those who diagnosed me didn’t tell me, so. I don’t really care, anyway, as long as we know what’s going on in my brain.

Self-dx or professional dx? Professionally. I wanted this. I wanted a professional diagnosis for what was going on with me. And after a month in a psych ward I got it. The reasons are multiple and stem from feelings of powerlessness, to fear of the unknown, to exceptionality and omnipotence. A lot to unpack here, huh?

Are you currently hypo/manic, depressed, mixed, stable, or not sure? Depressed (slowly coming out of a mixed episode state.)

Do you have any other mental illnesses/disorders? Borderline Personality Disorder (self-diagnosed.) The actual diagnosis says Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, in the future months tests will be run on me to determine which disorder it actually is but I personally suspect BPD.

When did you first start having symptoms? I didn’t know they were symptoms back in the day. I recently had suicidal tendencies and bad self-harming and risky impulsive behaviour in various areas of life, plus I was delusional on a specific situation/individual, so I ended up hospitalized for my own safety. In the hospital, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder because I told them about those times I was staying up till 5am reading and writing articles, those full months I could go on with 2 hours of sleeping maximum, those situations where I was feeling incredibly elated and omnipotent in saving the world, those times I tried to run away from home without documents and came home the same evening to go to martial art training, those times I was speaking so fast anyone could understand me or pacing everywhere because I couldn’t stay still. Don’t know. I told them a bunch of stuff and they did their job. Looking back, the bipolar disorder diagnosis fits.

When did you realize/learn that you have bipolar? Um, a few weeks ago. I was strangely relieved.

Have you ever received a misdiagnosis? No.

How self-aware are you on a scale of 1-10? I thought I was the most self-aware person on the Planet, turns out it may not be exactly the case ‘cause in the past I didn’t recognized any symptom and right now I don’t know, I’m still only depressed, have yet to change state. Still, I think I’m pretty aware on my mental schemes and processes overall.

How many people know about your bipolar disorder? My medical team, my family, the only one friend I have, you guys on Tumblr.

Are any of your family members bipolar? No.

Name three fictional characters you relate to and/or headcanon as bipolar. First and foremost, I relate to Rue Bennet who is actually bipolar, so. Then, since he is my totem character and the very reason of my existence, I headcanon Anakin Skywalker as bipolar, beside the many disorders I already headcanon him to have.

Hypo/mania

When hypo/manic, do you get euphoric, dysphoric, angry, creative, social, or several of the above? I think several of the above but I’m not sure, I don’t remember entirely my hypomanic states since they happened years ago. Also, I think it was always hypomania, I never reached full mania yet.

What has been your longest hypo/manic episode? I can’t exactly count since it happened years ago and I wasn’t aware of being bipolar at the time, but I think it’s been years with bouts of depression and some shorter fits of stronger hypomania.

Have you ever had a psychotic episode? What symptoms did it include? Yes, I did. I was hospitalized after a mixed episode with psychotic features. I had delusions regarding one particular person, but I’m stopping here, this is too much.

What kind of impulsive decisions have you made? Run away from home without documents or money, a lot of stuff involving homemade activism, climbed rocks that should not have been climbed, had sex with many guys randomly, drank a lot in order to feel bad and miserable, etc.

What’s the most money you’ve spent in a single day while hypo/manic? This is gonna sound weird but it never happened to me. I never went on a spending spree. Mostly because I have no money with me when I go out. It happened with food, though. That maybe I had already eaten but I took an entire new dish without knowing or understanding why I did it.

What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep? I genuinely don’t remember. Surely I was able to go on for looong time (like entire years) sleeping only 2-3 hours per night.

Are you a creative type? Have you ever made a poem/song/other artwork about being bipolar? NOT YET. BUT I WILL. (I’ve made those stupid drawings I posted on the blog though.)

Depression

When depressed, do you get suicidal, bored, anxious, guilty, or several of the above? I’d say all of the above, but mostly suicidal, guilty and anxious.

What has been your longest depressive episode? Three years, I think.

How do you cope with depression? I don’t. I don’t even want to. I want to feel bad, I want to feel all the pain in the world, so go figure (this doesn’t mean I’m anti-recovery, just that my mental illness wants me to be.)

Are you a sleep-all-day depressive or an insomniac depressive? Do you overeat or lose your appetite? Insomniac. And my appetite hasn’t changed much.

When is the last time you cried or had a breakdown? Like- ten seconds ago? I’m very emotional nowadays.

Have you ever self-harmed? Yes. I cut myself, burnt myself, scratched myself, stopped taking meds…

Have you had problems with substance abuse? Alcohol and marijuana have been a thing and regular cigarettes too.

Have you ever attended AA/NA/etc? No.

Have you ever attempted suicide? No. I have a duty in this world and as long as that duty lives on, I live on. But I have dreamt of dying so much it feels reality by now.

Have you ever written a suicide note? Not quite. It was the note I left when I ran away from home. I wasn’t a suicide letter but somehow it sounded like one.

Other symptoms and Treatment

Do you ever dissociate? It happened. It’s not so frequent but it happened. Not exactly sure I do it in the most severe way possible but still, I do.

Do you ever have hallucinations? If so, what are they? No. I had this sort of slight auditory hallucination where I was hearing my own voice telling me bad things over and over, but it wasn’t a full-blown hallucination.

Do you see a therapist? Do you feel like it’s helping? I’m seeing a therapist and yes, it’s helping. I’ve been seeing them since I was 15, and as I already wrote somewhere, without them I would be probably dead or in a cult.

Are you on any medications? Do you feel like they’re helping? Yes, I am. I don’t know if they’re helping or not, but generally think they don’t. They merely keep you slowed down enough to stop your scariest impulses.

Have you ever been hospitalized? Yes, I’ve been hospitalized for one month. It’s been nightmare to me, it felt like a prison. But I made through this and now I feel it helped me, somehow. Gave me more skills in my fight against mental illness.

Have you ever attended group therapy? No.

Have any of your symptoms gotten worse over the years? I didn’t have a diagnosis a year ago but sure as hell I was in a better shape than I am now, so we definitely can say I got worse over the years.

Have any of your symptoms gotten better over the years? No, that didn’t happen but in the end I’ve just been diagnosed, it’s a bit early to say.

Do you have a favorite coping method? I don’t have a favourite coping method because I don’t cope, I dive in the pain, I dive in the suffering and in the bleakness. I dive right in and hope to drown.

If you could choose to be neurotypical, would you? This is a tricky one. I’m expected to answer ‘yes,’ but I think I’ll answer ‘no.’ Who would I be without my mental illness? Without my problematicity? Without my pain? No one. So, no. I’d rather struggle the rest of my life but cling to the broken identity I have than be neurotypical but essentially no one (reminder that this works for me and my flawed brain, I’m not saying neurotypical people are shit.)

[shebeguiled]

good afternoon everyone , i’m amorette & i’m so excited to be here !! this lovely lady is ERATO of the nine muses , known in the mortal world as SABINE BELLEROSE. take a peek under the cut for more information on her , & feel free to hit the heart if you’d like to plot.

ERATO   :

♡   ;   muse of erotic & love poetry , so uh , that already sets a pretty clear tone here. she is beautiful & she knows it , and is prone to her own bouts of vanity , especially when called upon by poets & artists — it’s hard not to let it go to your head when famed authors call upon your name for inspiration , praise your beauty as being their afflatus. she doesn’t go about being too overly boastful , most of the time , though sometimes it is dependent on her company and if they encourage it. she doesn’t find an issue with one accepting & appreciating their own beauty , so long as it isn’t at the expense of another. she promotes self love & positivity.

♡   ;   speaking of company , her sisters are her lifeblood. she adores them and would not be averse to fighting , maiming , or otherwise causing a ruckus & maybe a little bloodshed for them , if it absolutely came down to it. (   though she really really really prefers it doesn’t come to that.   ) her sisters are her soul. apollo , likewise , is near & dear to her heart — her loyalty is his , nearly if not just as it is her sisters’. her loyalty , once gained , is not easy to shirk.

♡   ;   vivacious , clever , & sanguine , erato is clear in what she wants and even more direct when it comes to getting it. she possesses little in the way of cautious awareness and leans far more into her impulsive tendencies , especially if they’ll lead to gratification. she’s quick to capitalize on opportunities once presented , or to otherwise maneuver around situations in order to have them play in her favor. it’s generally innocuous , though , her intent lying more-so within indulgence than harm. she enjoys delighting in all of life’s pleasures , be it a song , a poem , a glass of wine , etc.

♡   ;   undoubtedly i am forgetting to write something here in my excitement , and i apologize for that lmao.

SABINE   :

♡   ;   so , to start , she’s the daughter of GASPARD & MANON BELLEROSE , a fashion designer & model respectively , hailing from france. (   she was born in america herself , but she’s fluent in french.   ) their love was a whirlwind , something plucked directly from a romance novel & it bore them their only daughter , sabine.

♡   ;   now , her parents live a ritzy , busy life. despite being married they had little intention of ever settling down & a child hadn’t ever really been in their plans , though social stigma and personal beliefs prevented manon from doing anything about the pregnancy save seeing it to term & keeping their daughter. sabine was seen more as an accessory than a lifelong commitment — more akin to a purse to tote around when it was fitting than a child that needed to be raised. her parents didn’t have time for that. it didn’t fit in with their ideal lifestyle. they would occasionally dote on her & bring her to events , shower her with affection , but the moments were few and far in between.

♡   ;   she was frequently handed off to nannies but they , too , were never consistent ; a side effect of having an affair with your boss. this left sabine constantly yearning for affection , yearning for the love & praise children are supposed to receive from their parents , yearning for a bond she saw in other children but never felt herself. her parents raised her not to be herself , but to be perfect — in their eyes , this was an easily attainable goal. they gave her everything , after all , as what they lacked in affection they made up for in a surplus of material items , money , gifts , expensive vacations that she’d end up spending alone. sabine took what they gave and let it sate her for a while.

♡   ;   much like her immortal self , she is indulgent , though much less fulfilled. she allows herself to indulge in flings , in the things money can buy : jewelry , clothes , money , drugs. the upside of being a millionaire's daughter is just how much you can spiral the night before & appear perfect in a selfie posted the next day with the help of a well paid stylist and good lighting. as a result of her upbringing , the one thing she wants is fulfillment : she wants to be loved & inspire that love in others , she wants the security of being with someone who wants her , truly wants her , body , mind , & soul. sabine wants to feel valued. and yet whenever she's barely gotten close to something resembling this , she freezes , she spirals , she sabotages. the truth is that deep within her , she believes she is undeserving.

♡   ;   she can never quite achieve the balance she seeks , and is always at one extreme or another. there is no pause , there is no quiet middle ground : one moment , she's on the top of the world , things are just as she wants them , nothing can touch her. the next , she is crumbling , holed up in her penthouse , speaking to no one , spending days on end weeping in the safety of her bed. there is an aching , hollow void within her chest that consumes everything in these moments & leaves little behind to remind sabine of just who she is. still , she maintains the facade. she models for her father's line & is something of an instagram influencer , frequently posting updates to her millions of followers. she's never upfront about the goings-on behind the scenes online ; what's the point when you can post a selfie from inside one of nyc's most exclusive clubs ? no one wants to hear about your troubles. money can buy happiness , right ? she self medicates in dangerous ways.

♡   ;   unbeknownst to most , sabine writes & publishes poetry via the use of a pseudonym. it's a little pleasure that keeps her going , gives her something to pour her energy into even when she's lacking. a way to express herself when she cannot find the courage to verbalize her feelings to another person. something no one who knows her can intrude on.

♡   ;   sabine has an undiagnosed mental illness : bipolar disorder. she frequently faces burnout and it is the first symptom of an approaching depressive episode , and likewise is quick to hyperfixate or otherwise obsess when growing manic , and this is also when she often feels her most confident & victorious. she refuses to admit something may be ' wrong ' out loud , but on the inside , her lack of control over how she feels & often experiences the world contributes to her panic frequently. she avoids seeking help out of fear of disappointing her parents , should she receive a diagnosis. it is not that she believes people with mental illnesses are wrong , just that she alone would be. even further , she often feels guilty for her emotions , feels as though she is not allowed to be upset or depressed in any way because of what she does have. she thinks love will fix her. she doesn’t realize she may have bipolar specifically but she knows there’s got to be something , & it frightens her. up until this point , she has not communicated this to anyone else.

♡   ;   loves bubble tea. is rose gold’s number one fan.

♡   ;   she’s lucky she’s got nepotism on her side because she’s only 5′2″ and some would argue that that means she can’t be a model which is probably the stupidest thing ever.

i’m sorry this got so long idk what happened actually . . . . dfkjgdjf thanks for reading all of this mess ily

[borntoflyupward-blog]

’one year, three occasions’

~yazz (j.d.a.l.)

[noplsnoplsno]

Hi~♡ intro here so various TW go along with this post.

I've decided to make a pinned post about myself. One of my poems got a lot of traction at some point and it makes me feel very worthwhile.

I'm a 25 year old woman that runs this as a side blog.

Questions I've received:

Am I receiving professional help? Yes I am. I have been in and out of CBT since I was 12 years of age, I recently started DBT and it has been a much better experience.

Why do you write?

I find written language to be much more expressive than verbal. One day when I get the strength I'll read them out-loud on tiktok.

Is it okay to RB?

Absolutely! I love seeing people reblog my stuff.

Diagnosis information:

Diagnosed with PTSD as my first diagnosis as a child. This was due to severe childhood trauma.

I also struggled with anorexia nervousa from the time I was 15 until 21. I almost died as a consequence and still deal with the health repercussions now. I am considered recovered.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder with psychotic features at 16 years of age. This is when I started medications.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder at the end of 2021.

General information:

Age: 25

Pronouns: she/her or they/them. I have no preference.

Sexuality: bisexual.

Reoccurring themes in my poetry: mentions of my specific childhood trauma themes, impulsivity regarding sex, chronic emptiness, mood swings (mania/depression), emotional dysregulation, eating disorder behaviors, self harm, insomnia, unsafe impulsive actions, delusions and hallucinations I have experienced, compulsions.

Consider this a Trigger warning for every single thing I post.

Chronically ill~☆ Hashimotos Thyroiditis, exocrine pancreatic insufficiency, chronic joint pain, neuropathy, and migraines.

I do not tag individual triggers on my poems. I do not have the spoons to do this 99% of the time.

I am chronically ill, mentally ill, I'm a full time student and full time employee. I have next to no energy and no fucks left to give when I'm writing.

Anyways, Enjoy!

[cuteandtwisted]

hi wiss! not a prompt but i just read your birthday fic for Even and I found it so touching how you treat his MI with so much care. i don't mean to intrude but do you have an MI? it sometimes sounds like you speak from experience. Do you or someone close to you have a mental illness? and what did Even teach YOU?

Hmm. That’s an interesting question. Interesting because I don’t really know., because I’m not sure I’m articulate enough to answer it. Also it’s 8am and I still haven’t slept/been stranded in airports after 3 flights. And I’m typing this on my phone. It’s funny how I always leak and ramble about myself when I’m exhausted.

Long story short: I’ve never seen a therapist and my mental state is based on what I think I know/things I read. It’s all in my head pretty much, which I realize is the same as assessing yourself physically without going to an actual Doctor. Mental illness was always so taboo in my culture growing up. It was considered a curse, an impairment, a sign of weakness of character or of bad karma. And it didn’t only speak for you and your deeds. It also spoke for your entire family. Mental illness was something we only heard about but never got to live through. It was that thing that happened to others or to that one obscure/distant family member. It wasn’t exactly real and it wasn’t nuanced either. It was a death sentence so to speak. It was an ending in and of itself.

My first direct exposure to someone with a mental illness was to my uncle. He’s my father’s youngest brother and we’re barely 10 years apart. What’s most vivid about him in my childhood memories are his height, his silky hair, his talent for drawing, although he’s never had any training, and his tendency to smoke too many cigarettes and drink too many cups of black coffee. He also happened to be schizophrenic and delirious. His symptoms started around the time his parents got a divorce and his father (aka my grandpa) got married to one of his students (i know. Wtf). He got misdiagnosed and his meds fucked with his mind a lot. He never got to finish school or pursue his dream to be an artist. I’m always sad when I think of him because he is the perfect example of someone who could have been helped but who was cursed, not by his pained mind, but by society’s stigma. He always kisses my forehead when he sees me and it always breaks my heart when I remember how scared I used to be of him when I was younger. It wasn’t my fault, I later realized. Everyone around me kept telling me that i was to feel afraid. I often hear about him ending up at the police station and at the hospital, and I often heard my grandmother complain about how he ruined her life with his sickness. Terrifying, isn’t it? It doesn’t encourage anyone who might be feeling inadequate to ever speak up.

I personally started to feel /weird/ when I reached the age of 13/14. My parents said I read books I wasn’t supposed to have read when I was younger and that it messed with my thoughts and my mind. I loved philosophy, still do. Questioning my own existence became a thing I practiced religiously. At one point I was convinced I had superpowers and that I could escape reality whenever I wished to. Sometimes, it was pleasant but not really. Like being tickled. It makes you laugh but you don’t necessarily enjoy the loss of control. I thought I could control it, but then I realized that it was controlling me. Sometimes it was terrifying because I didn’t know what was wrong with me and Google wasn’t extremely helpful either. Later I realized that I was experiencing depersonalization/derealization and that I wasn’t that special. Recoiling into one’s mind to the point of no longer being able to perceive reality was something many others experienced. I was almost disappointed to learn that I wasn’t special.

I went through some terrible experiences around that time and my moods started fluctuating. I would go from elated to extremely down, never leaving my room. My parents were constantly traveling so they didn’t really notice. It didn’t help that I was an extremely proud, reserved, contrary, and cunning teenager. My mind was my best asset and I used to my advantage. Another thing that duped most was my ability to pretend that I was fine all the time. I could be crippled with sorrow and still have a smile plastered across my face. I could entertain groups of 10 for hours then go home and cry until sleep found me. I was proud, stubborn, ‘strong’. And strong people didn’t admit to feeling weak and needing to just sleep it off sometimes.

At one point, I convinced myself that I was bipolar. I even wrote it in my diary and my anonymous blogs back then. I didn’t know much about it. I just knew that my mood swings and my depersonalization episodes had to be attributed to something. Again, i never saw a therapist, so it was all BS. I also never splurged to the point of mania. (However, I do spend money recklessly sometimes. I do jump on flights at the last moment, buy the most stupid shit just for the heck of it, shove my tongue down strangers’ throats just to feel something, drink until I’m blind and throwing up against walls. I do feel larger than life sometimes, slightly invincible, convinced I’m special and have some insight into human nature, convinced i can see right through people and read their minds. I have my moments. But don’t we all?

I also do feel down sometimes to the point of not leaving my bed for days, ignoring everyone’s calls and messages, and just curling around myself in the dark. I do. I do. But don’t we all?

Control and pride are all I have, however. So you won’t find me whining about my feelings or my mood swings in real life.)

I kept entertaining my self-diagnosis and remained convinced I was bipolar until I first met a diagnosed bipolar person at the age of 17. I didn’t know he was bipolar back then, just that people called him ‘crazy’ and a ‘fucking liar’. I knew him as my boyfriend’s best friend/neighbor. I thought he hated me for the longest time. I even imagined that he was secretly gay and in love with my boyfriend. But he wasn’t. I asked him point blank why he hated me one day and he replied with “i don’t. I’m actually in love with you.” I still remember that day so vividly. My boyfriend and I thought he was joking. He wasn’t.

My bf and I eventually broke up, after which he got shipped to another city, but I maintained my weird friendship with his best friend/neighbor. He transferred to my school when we were juniors and I took it upon myself to introduce him to people and show him around. He walked me home on Friday afternoons and made me playlists which we listened to on his iPod. We shared his earphones as we walked to my house. He started writing me poems and posting them on facebook. He called me his 'colombe’ which translates to 'his dove’ and he became fixated on me to the point of following me in the streets when I was out with friends. I remember the night he stood outside of a McDonalds with a cigarette between his lips staring at me through the window. I started feeling scared. I rejected his advances and his poems were dark and accusatory now.

He came to school with a bandaged wrist once and i was afraid of asking him what happened. My english teacher pulled me aside at the end of class that day and asked me if it was true that I had pushed him down the stairs and caused his wrist injury. I denied it because it wasn’t and i started feeling slightly terrified. The guy left a note in my bag that day and stopped me during recess to ask me to not open it until i got home.

I opened it as soon as I finished an exam early and went outside waiting for everyone else to come out. It was dark and chilly. It was November. The note he wrote me was another poem and it was written in ?blood? I was shocked and I questioned it as much as I could. It could have been red nail polish. It could have been anything. But why do this to me? Why? I didn’t understand. He came out of the school and i snapped and it was just the two of us in the dark. He had followed me outside but i was so angry and confused that i failed to see that it was just us two now. I asked him what the hell was going on and he said that he cut himself because of me and of how i treated him and that he wrote me a poem with his blood. I think i might have called him crazy. I don’t remember. I was experiencing shock in its purest form so I don’t remember everything I said.

And then he hit me. He shoved me hard against the wall and he hit me across the face, then he said that he loved me and that I didn’t understand. I still remember how the blow felt like nothing. The worst had already happened. I internalized that hit so much, and perhaps I still do. I was tiny compared to him. I can fight people, but I was shocked by how utterly powerless I was at that moment. My limbs had just stopped functioning. And to this day I still find it hard to let my guards down around men or anyone physically capable of overpowering me. Biology, and all. My best friend came out of nowhere and a fight broke because he had me pressed against a wall. Then we all went home. I never told anyone that he hit me that night. I was too proud. I still can’t believe that it’s something that happened to me.

I cut my bangs to the side that night to hide my bruise, and thankfully I have brown complexion so it wasn’t that bad. I avoided him like the plague after that, even when he crawled back to me begging for forgiveness. He later sent me long messages explaining his diagnosis and his bipolar and how he had developed an ‘obsession’ with me, how it wasn’t really him doing those things. But I couldn’t find it in me to forgive him. Being mentally ill doesn’t condone shitty behavior, it doesn’t condone physically assaulting someone. I don’t know. He traumatized me.

I developed some sort of stigma after that. I was kind of like S3 Isak (which is why i think the show changed me so fucking much) I 'chose’ to stay away from 'mentally ill people’ to 'protect myself’.

The guy in question did continue being a shitty person until everyone around town knew to avoid him. He played girls and called them sluts and lied about everything and everyone and he was just pretty horrible. And it took me some time to understand that it wasn’t because he was bipolar. It was simply because he was an asshole.

I did develop empathy for him later on when I stopped being so angry and blaming myself for everything all the time. I guess I realized that some have it harder than others? Maybe his shitty behavior was a byproduct of how he had been treated so far? Maybe it was his only outlet, his only way of lashing out against the world for 'inconveniencing’ him with an imbalanced brain? I don’t know. But i forgive him now. Because I’m sure he wasn’t always terrible. I’m sure he has lived through his fair share of horrible things. I’m sure those weeks he spent in bed were daunting. I’m sure people weren’t always gentle with him. I forgive him but i will never forget. Because some people go through hell and still choose to be kind. Because what he did, using his bipolar to justify his awful actions, is selfish and only perpetuates the stigma around bipolar.

I guess this is why SKAM changed my life so drastically? The only depiction of bipolar i had been exposed to was from this guy who traumatized me and all the crap on TV that either romanticized it or simply turned it into a trope and showed people who suffer from it as helpless and completely delirious with no chance of ever leading a normal life. I’m grateful for SKAM because not only did it erase my previous biased and erroneous views which were influenced by a rather unfortunate event, but it also made me do research and read about it and learn more. I fell in love with Even and his mind and his kindness and all the love he has in him. Life can throw crap at you, but you can still choose to be kind. And that’s what Even and his story taught me. Mental illness is not a death sentence and you can still be loved and happy

Back to your question, I guess, I still haven’t paid a visit to a therapist lol. I’m scared i might find out something about myself that i won’t like. I’m scared of being called out on my bullshit. I’m scared of leaking like a broken faucet. I get dizzy thinking about some of the crap I went through and I sometimes think it’s better left in pandora’s box, that it’s better to keep the lid on. I don’t know. Sometimes my life feels like some really badly written CW show. But I’m still happy with where I am today. Always. One day i’ll organize my thoughts and write something meaningful about the storms in my mind. But until then, i’ll borrow the voice of fictional characters to work through some of my personal experiences.

Sorry about the rambling. I’m SO angry at Delta airlines right now. I had to channel that anger into something else haha.

[aion-rsa]

The Best TV Episodes of 2020

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

Sometimes it feels like there’s not much of a distinction left between “television” and everything else. As major media conglomerates hold investor presentations in which they present their upcoming streaming wares as “multiple-hour movies,” how is a beleaguered television fanbase supposed to distinguish TV shows from the dreaded, amorphous concept of “content”?

By episodes, of course! Episodes are one of the last remaining hallmarks of what makes the entity known as television distinct. Though we largely watch all our entertainment on the same kinds of screens nowadays, it’s television that lays claim to distinct episodes and distinct seasons as part of their larger gestalt. The Best TV Shows of 2020 deserve our commendation (and they will receive it very soon), but so too these smaller stories and pieces within them. The Best TV Episodes of 2020 are just as important to our appreciation of the medium and its long-term health.

Gathered here are 25 of Den of Geek’s favorite episodes of television in 2020. Voted on by our contributors, and arranged in alphabetical order, these are the half-hours, hours, and more that inspired and thrilled us in this most challenging year.

Better Call Saul – “Bagman”

In a season packed with memorable moments and 5-star episodes, Better Call Saul’s “Bagman” takes the cake as season 5’s finest hour and one of the absolute best episodes of television of 2020. Directly recalling Breaking Bad’s season 2 highlight “Four Days Out,” returning director and Breaking Bad auteur Vince Gilligan pulls out his old playbook and pumps “Bagman” up with high-octane shootouts, tense face-to-face showdowns, and his penchant for dark comedy. 

As notable as it is to restage and one-up “Four Days Out,” “Bagman” also finally bridges the gap between Jimmy McGill’s new “friend of the cartel” world and that of his straight and narrow girlfriend Kim’s, a moment Better Call Saul fans have been anticipating and dreading with equal measure. Seeing Kim interact with Lalo, perhaps the best villain yet in the Breaking Bad/BCS universe, is a trip. Between Lalo’s cackling over the news of the burnt down Los Pollos Hermanos, surprise at Kim being “Mrs. Goodman,” and his lack of concern for “la cucaracha,” Lalo is a pure delight, even when he’s being stomach-churningly awful. 

A desert twist on The Sopranos’ “Pine Barrens,” “Bagman” is a thrilling, highly consequential installment that is as equally introspective as it is explosive. I tend to bristle at episodes that so clearly ape Breaking Bad’s style and rhythms, but with Vince Gilligan at the helm, “Bagman” is purely undeniable. This is the moment that the show’s separate storylines began collapsing in on each other and truly feels like the beginning of the end for Better Call Saul. 

– Nick Harley

BoJack Horseman – “The View From Halfway Down”

BoJack Horseman was never going to actually kill off its titular horseman. Though the depressive former ‘90s sitcom actor had been courting death for much of the series with addictions to booze, pills, and self-loathing, the show was always destined to end with him giving things another shot – again and again and again. That’s the point. It never ends. You’re stuck with yourself, flaws and all, and you’ve just gotta keep trying. BoJack indeed gets his umpteenth chance to start over in the series elegiac series finale, “Nice While It Lasted.” Before that, however, the show’s penultimate episode gets to vividly imagine what the end would look like for BoJack Horseman, and it makes for one of the series’ best episodes ever.

“The View From Halfway Down” picks up with BoJack drunk and at the bottom of a pool, slowly drowning. Meanwhile his consciousness takes a trip to a gaudy mansion where he enjoys dinner and a show with all the dead people he knows. Sarah Lynn, Corduroy, Crackerjack, Herb Kazzaz, and Beatrice are all there to enjoy their last meals (a single lemon for Corduroy, hospital food for Beatrice, and a pile of pills for BoJack) and then have one final sendoff before entering the infinite. This is where BoJack’s father, Butterscotch (incognito as BoJack’s hero Secretariat) turns up and delivers one of the most startling, affecting poems in TV history: “The View From Halfway Down.”

Near-death experience episodes are not uncommon on television (none other than The Sopranos may have had the definitive version with season 6’s “Join the Club”) but “The View From Halfway Down” somehow injects life (or rather dripping sludge of black death) into the stale  concept. This might not be the final episode of BoJack Horseman, but it’s likely to be the one most people remember. It’s a discomfiting exploration of ego death…and death-death. 

– Alec Bojalad

The Boys – “What I Know”

The Boys season 2 had its ups and downs, and a couple of episodes early on felt very low on action, but in the end, Amazon’s ultraviolent hit series managed to build towards a sophomore season finale that was so goddamn satisfying it felt almost illegal.

In “What I Know”, Karl Urban’s Bill Butcher finally faces off against Homelander and escapes with his life, while paying a devastating price. Hughie finds a way to drag himself up from a pit of despair and start a real relationship with Starlight. Kimiko and Frenchie get closer by working through their trauma together. Mother’s Milk is reunited with his family. And Stormfront? Well, that Nazi bitch gets what she deserved.

In fact, “What I Know” wrapped up most of The Boys’ ongoing plotlines so tidily you’d be forgiven for thinking that the action-packed episode was a series finale, not a season finale. Of course, The Boys had one final twist in store, but even if “What I Know” had been the last we’d seen of the show, it would have been just about enough to keep any anguish at bay. TV writers should study “What I Know” for future reference, cuz that’s how you do a season finale. 

– Kirsten Howard

Dark – “Life and Death”

Since Dark knew that it was ending in its third season, there were plenty of mind-blowing episodes leading to a very poignant finale, but one episode that stood out was episode 305, “Life and Death.” This was not an episode that directly explored the deeper time travel mythology of the show nor did it feature the characters that were normally center stage. Instead, it shocked us with two acts of brutality by minor characters.

One involved the discoveries of Katharina, the much maligned wife, daughter, and mother who conducted a solo journey through time in search of her husband, Ulrich. The violence between Katharina and her mother provides surprising insights despite its unexpectedness. Meanwhile, another brutal act in the apocalypse of 2020 sheds light on how young Elisabeth evolved into a hardened warrior of the future. 

– Michael Ahr

Dave – “Hype Man”

FX’s Dave was a bit of an odd duck from the get-go. Developed by and starring real life rapper Dave “Lil Dicky” Burd, Dave sought to encapsulate the strange contradictions of its title character. Dave is a comedy rapper…but he’s also kind of sincere? Dave is probably kidding about his malformed penis and all the trauma it’s caused him…but he’s also not? Dave is Lil Dickey…but he’s really just Dave? It was a tall order for a novice storyteller to work through, even with the help of Curb Your Enthusiasm’s Jeff Shaffer as showrunner.

But roughly halfway through its 10 episode-run, Dave…and Dave figure themselves out and start to string together a series of truly quality episodes. The turn starts with “Hype Man,” the show’s fifth installment and perhaps its best. “Hype Man” follows Lil Dicky’s real life (and also fictional) friend GaTa. After Dave makes the decision to install GaTa as his hype man, viewers are entreated to bits of GaTa’s past where his untreated bipolar disorder leads to public disruptions and even a heartbreaking moment with his mother while tied to a hospital bed. In the present, GaTa can’t quite figure his new dosage of meds out and it leads to a decidedly less-than-hyped hype man.

That’s when GaTa reveals his diagnosis to his new friends. As the tears stream down GaTa’s face and as his new crew gracefully accepts him, just as he is, it’s clear that it’s a cathartic moment for all involved that goes well beyond just the confines of television. 

– Alec Bojalad

Devs – “Episode 8”

Perhaps no show in 2020 was as beguiling or intriguing as sci-fi maestro Alex Garland’s first TV effort Devs. From its first episode which featured a mysterious murder and the introduction of an awe-inspiring machine, Devs promised a truculent sci-fi television experience. Of course, as is often the case with these things, the impact of the show hinged on how it chose to wrap up the story of Amaya’s secretive Devs program. 

That ending, in “Episode 8”, succeeds because it knows the precisely correct ratio of answers to non-answers it needs to provide. This finale deftly articulates the show’s vision of determinism and leaves open the question of just how much of our fate resides in our own hands. It’s also downright Biblical at times with striking imagery, allusions to Christ, and even something resembling an afterlife. 

Above all else, it provides one of the most charming bits of title trickery on television this year. “I’ll tell you a secret, Lily,” Forest (Nick Offerman) says to his fated counterpart. “I’ve been wanting to tell someone for awhile. The name of the project is not Devs. The ‘v’ is Roman…so actually a ‘u’.” Deus. Lily can only laugh – another tech CEO who thinks he’s God. It’s just that…this one happens to be right.  

– Alec Bojalad

Doctor Who – “The Haunting of Villa Diodati”

“The Haunting of Villa Diodati” isn’t the only example of Doctor Who taking on the haunted house genre, but it may be its best. In this season 12 episode, the science fiction series pays homage to the arguable birthplace of the sci-fi genre: the Swiss villa where Mary Shelley was inspired to write Frankenstein. There, the Thirteenth Doctor (Jodie Whittaker) and her fam meet Mary, baby William, Lord Byron, John Polidori, Claire Clairmont, valet Fletcher, and a missing Percy Shelley. With such a large guest cast, you’d think it would be hard to get three Companions in on the action, but first-time Doctor Who scriptwriter Maxine Alderton manages to do so, making good use of Ryan (Tosin Cole), Graham (Bradley Walsh), and Yaz (Mandip Gillip) especially, as the group gets split up while investigating the very real ghosts that seem to be haunting the villa.

With its literary in-jokes and honest-to-goodness scares, “The Haunting of Villa Diodati” would have easily been one of the highlights of season 12 if it was simply a standalone mystery. That it all ends with a third-act Cybermen twist that ties the episode to Doctor Who legacy and kickstarts the high-stakes, season-ending plot raises this installment from “good” to “great.”

– Kayti Burt

The Good Place – “Whenever You’re Ready”

Between BoJack Horseman’s “The View From Halfway Down” and The Good Place’s series finale, “Whenever You’re Ready,” it was a banner year for half-hour comedies addressing cosmic oblivion in 2020. While BoJack’s exploration of death is dark and spooky, The Good Place’s interpretation is one almost of celebration – a reward for a life, and many afterlives well-lived.

However one feels about The Good Place series finale, it’s hard to argue that the concept at its core isn’t ingenious. Our human protagonists Eleanor, Chidi, Jason, and Tahani, alongside their otherworldly friends Michael and Janet, spend almost a literal eternity grappling with the inequity of the afterlife’s rewards system. Then, in the final stretch of the show’s last season, the gang fixes the system once and for all and arrives at the actual Good Place. There’s only one problem: the occupants of The Good Place are shambling emotionless zombies whose dopamine receptors have been reduced to mush from eons of wish fulfillment and immediate satisfaction. That’s when Eleanor and Michael realize the afterlife’s missing piece: death. 

This is not only a fascinating philosophical concept but it sets up a finale filled with goodbyes that all these characters so richly deserve. One by one our heroes decide when they’re ready, and then step through a door to enter the unknown. And of course it all culminates in what might be the best sitcom sign-offs ever from Ted Danson’s Michael: “I’ll say this to you, my friend, with all the love in my heart and all the wisdom of the universe: Take it sleazy.”

 – Alec Bojalad

The Haunting of Bly Manor – “The Altar of the Dead”

Perhaps the only thing harder than pulling off an honest-to-goodness serialized horror TV show is doing so twice. But that’s exactly what Mike Flanagan was able to pull off this year with his Netflix followup to The Haunting of Hill House. Like Hill House before it, Bly Manor is based on the works of a classic ghost story writer, in this case Henry James. Unlike Hill House, however, Bly Manor takes a few episodes to really find its rhythm. 

Once it does, though, there’s virtually no stopping it. And it’s all thanks to midseason installment “The Altar of the Dead.” It’s clear from moment one that something is off with Bly Manor’s housekeeper Hannah Grose (T’Nia Miller). This is the episode that finally begins to fill in some of the blanks in her story, and subsequently the story of the rest of the house. Much like Billy Pilgrim before her, Miss Grose has become unstuck in time. As Hannah jumps back and forth between her history at Bly Manor, the sinister nature of the property becomes clear. Through Grose’s eyes, we’re treated to the courtship of Rebecca Jessel and Peter Quint. Then we’re taken through all the way to Peter Quint’s death, subsequent possession of Miles, and Hannah’s eventual murder. 

It’s not just that “The Altar of the Dead” clarifies the plot of The Haunting of Bly Manor so much that it damn near reveals all of it. And the show is all the better for it. Every episode after “Altar” is able to move forward with a confidence and assuredness that can come only after a masterfully executed setup. It’s all perfectly splendid. 

– Alec Bojalad

How To with John Wilson – “How To Cook the Perfect Risotto”

How To With John Wilson’s charms come from the ways that the titular socially awkward documentarian highlights the surreal, funny, perplexing little moments that so frequently occur in public spaces. However, that surreality is turned up to 11 in “How to Cook the Perfect Risotto” as we watch the coronavirus pandemic slowly transform New York City from a bustling, odd metropolis full of characters that are more than willing to invite a complete stranger into their home for a cooking lesson, into a quiet ghost town filmed from the safety of Wilson’s apartment.

Wilson attempts to make his elderly landlord the perfect risotto as a way of thanking her for her kindness, which includes doing Wilson’s laundry, watching Jeopardy with him and delivering him delicious meals. Simultaneously as he’s trying to quit smoking, Wilson is comically frustrated by the endless variables that cause his risotto to not quite live up to his lofty expectations. As he tries to improve his cooking and keep his sanity during nicotine withdrawal, COVID-19 hits the city and causes Wilson’s perspective to completely change. It’s relatable, poignant stuff that sneaks up on you and offers a look at what life has been like in this pandemic in a way that no other piece of art has yet to capture. 

– Nick Harley

I May Destroy You – “Ego Death”

‘Ego Death’ was a transcendent half hour. The conclusion to Michaela Coel’s autobiographically inspired drama about surviving sexual assault, it was as probing and inventive as the rest of I May Destroy You. 

In the episode, Coel offered viewers three alternative endings. Her character Bella played out fantasy confrontations with the man who, a year earlier, had drugged and attacked her. One is a kickass heist riffing on movie sisterhood and rape revenge. Another is an anti-climax that offers scant closure. Another is gentle, romantic and utterly disorienting. Allowing for multiple interpretations and perspectives, they all happened, and none of them happened. 

The climax comes with Bella’s realization that her trauma wouldn’t leave her unless she made it leave. The finale ends with a growing garden, a book reading and an inhalation of breath. With dogged commitment to honesty and no easy answers, it achieved in 30 minutes what some dramas struggle to say in a whole season.

 – Louisa Mellor

Killing Eve – “Are You From Pinner?”

Killing Eve has been celebrated for its depiction of the cat and mouse game between its star characters Eve, the former MI6 agent played by Sandra Oh, and Villanelle, the assassin played by Jodie Comer who shares with Eve a mutual obsession. Season 3 experimented with different points of view and delved deeper into the mystery of The Twelve, but it was the backstory of Villanelle (formerly Oksana) in episode 5, “Are You from Pinner?” which really showcased Comer’s depth and the character’s complexity.

The beauty of the episode was the way it lulled the audience into a sense of comfort. Here was Oksana’s long lost family, and they seemed to be happy, fun-loving people who might even welcome their damaged prodigal daughter home. However, even after a joyous carnival, it becomes clear that her mother’s abandonment hides a deeper secret, and the resulting violence and moments of mercy heighten sympathy for the assassin like no episode before or since.

 – Michael Ahr

Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts – “Real Cats Wear Plaid”

That title alone would earn this episode a spot on the list but its story is even better! “Real Cats Wear Plaid” is the perfect combination of everything that makes Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts so unique and wonderful. There are giant cats who not only wear plaid, they carry axes, have giant yarn balls in their trees, sing ramblin’ folk songs, and love eating pancakes. Kipo has to find their leader named Yumyan Hammerpaw, whose namesake song is easily one of the best in the series, to get the cats’ help.

Watching Kipo not only break her friends free from the cats but slowly win over their trust gives us a good look at how she’ll overcome a lot of obstacles throughout the series. She doesn’t go with the simple solution; she uses her brain and her desire to make friends to win the day. Throw in some absolutely gorgeous visuals and you’ve got a warm, comforting, and totally unique piece of television that only this show could pull off. It’ll make a die-hard Kipo fan out of you, guaranteed. 

– Shamus Kelley

Legends of Tomorrow – “The One Where We’re Trapped on TV”

“The One Where We’re Trapped on TV” was the high point of a season full of them for Legends of Tomorrow, showcasing everything this series is capable of. We got three note-perfect parodies of shows – Star Trek, Friends, and the funniest one, Downton Abbey –  with wildly divergent tones; A+ workplace comedy and lightning fast plot propulsion; and a cast (especially Caity Lotz and Dominic Purcell summarizing and savaging The Wrath of Khan in 35 seconds, and Matt Ryan beautifully jamming parodies of four different Downton characters into one bit) visibly having the time of their lives. All of that was mixed in with serious, genuine, character growth and emotion. 

It’s amazing that Legends went from a forgettable side jaunt in the Arrowverse to a stoner workplace time travel sitcom that culminated one season with a Voltron Tickle Me Elmo. Even more amazing is that Season 5 actually topped it, and “The One Where We’re Trapped on TV” was this season’s peak.

– Jim Dandy

Lovecraft Country – “Sundown”

Lovecraft Country was television’s most ambitious show in 2020. Playing with horror and science fiction tropes while mixing in history lessons and comparing the racism in 1950s American with the civil unrest of today, Lovecraft Country took bigger swings than Jackie Robinson clobbering an alien with his Louisville Slugger. Not every episode or moment of Lovecraft Country was successful, but premiere episode “Sundown” is one of the most self-assured, confident debuts of a series in recent memory, a mission statement that establishes characters and blazes through plot points that most shows would have spent a season laboring over.

Our hero Atticus “Tic” Freeman (Jonathan Majors) returns to Chicago to reunite with his Uncle George (Courtney B. Vance) and old crush Leti Lewis (Jurnee Smollett) to go off in search of his missing father Montrose (Michael Kenneth Williams) in Ardham, Massachusetts, a location similar to Arkham, which is prevalent in the stories of H.P. Lovecraft, the favorite author of both Tic and Montrose. In Ardham, the gang find horrors both fictional and painfully real. The hour-long episode feels like a miniature movie. Its best moment is a montage of the trio traveling through segregated America set to a James Baldwin monologue. It’s little touches like that that makes Lovecraft Country so unique, gripping, and grounded even with all of the supernatural elements on display.

 – Nick Harley

The Mandalorian – “The Jedi”

Chapter 13 of The Mandalorian was an unexpected midseason payoff for everyone wondering if the story of Din Djarin and “Baby Yoda” would pootle along for a good while longer without answering many questions or tying their adventure into any past Star Wars mythology. This installment threw one game-changing piece of info after another at viewers.

We learned that the adorable green sprog had an actual name (Grogu), that he had been suffering from PTSD so severe that he mentally blocked out a lot of his past before being rescued by Mando, and that he would need to seek out a Jedi to train him to walk the path he might be destined for. Ah, and we also got to meet the live-action version of Ahsoka Tano, played by Rosario Dawson in a very deliberate and self-assured way. After we spent a few minutes with Ahsoka, it was clear that Lucasfilm still had bigger plans for her character beyond The Mandalorian.

Putting aside the many other wonderful Western and samurai influences visually blessing “The Jedi”, the episode formed an important step toward a very different version of Grogu who may develop in future seasons, and as Tano infers, we might not like who he becomes if the darkness creeps in, which only strengthens the bond between Din and The Child, and our investment in the story itself. 

– Kirsten Howard

Mythic Quest – “A Dark Quiet Death”

Mythic Quest: Raven’s Banquet was one of 2020’s most pleasant surprises. Apple TV+’s comedy about a videogame studio running a successful MMORPG, worked for all the reasons one might assume. The core showrunning team of Rob McElhenney, Megan Ganz, and David Hornsby (all of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia) had a solid handle on the show’s concept and characters, and they also clearly did their research on the videogame industry. 

Still, in addition to all of that “expected” stuff, Mythic Quest excels in pulling off concepts that viewers might not anticipate from a nine-episode, half-hour sitcom. The ultimate example is “A Dark Quiet Death,” a fascinating installment of television that falls halfway through the show’s first season. “A Dark Quiet Death” completely abandons the show’s main plotline and takes viewers back to the ‘90s where two game developers, played by Jake Johnson and Christin Milioti, meet, fall in love, and decide to build something together.

Soon, however, the two designers are confronted with questions about commerce vs. art and must figure out how many compromises they’re willing to make. In the process they lose themselves, each other, and the art itself. Mythic Quest eventually brings things back tenuously to the present to reveal that Ian Grimm and the Mythic Quest team now occupy the warehouse studio space they once did. Refreshingly there isn’t much of a lesson to be learned from this adjournment other than: all of this is very hard and you’ll want someone by your side to help…but even that’s pretty hard too. 

– Alec Bojalad

Outlander – “The Ballad of Roger Mac”

Outlander season 5’s long-awaited battle between the Regulators and Governor Tryon’s militia delivered the sudden and gut-punching loss of one of its fan-favorite characters, Duncan Lacroix’s Murtagh, and also did the impossible in the same episode – made viewers genuinely invested in whether the guitar-strumming Roger Mackenzie lived or died. Even if his past behavior hadn’t covered him in glory, no one wanted to see Bree’s beau go out at the noose-end of a redcoat’s rope.

But the real heart of the episode was the final scenes between Sam Heughan’s character, Jamie Fraser, who didn’t have much time to celebrate his 50th birthday, and his father figure Murtugh, a stubborn-but-loyal man that had saved him countless times since birth, as he unexpectedly passed the patriarchal torch on once and for all. As Jamie fell apart during “The Ballad of Roger Mac” so did we, and a standout episode in Outlander’s middling fifth season was forever etched on our memory. 

– Kirsten Howard

Pen15 – “Opening Night”

At its core, Maya Erskine and Anna Konkle’s brilliant coming-of-age comedy Pen15 is all about capturing feelings. This show, featuring Erskine and Konkle deftly embodying their middle school selves (all the while surrounded by actual middle schoolers), understands the feeling of your crush smiling at you, or the best sleepover ever, or the summer of infinite possibilities. Its season two finale “Opening Night,” is perhaps the best example of what the show does so well yet.

Much of “Opening Night” takes place after opening night of the school play, where Maya was the star and Anna was the tech queen. The girls and their families retire to a perfectly acceptable local Italian restaurant where Maya and Anna live out the copacabana scene from Goodfellas and just generally feel on top of the world. 

Of course, in adolescence, nothing gold can stay. While “Opening Night” captures the thrill of a “best night ever” it also subtly, devastatingly presents Anna having to deal with the reality of her parents’ incoming divorce and Maya being rejected by a boy once again. Pen15 draws much of its comedy from the novelty of its core duo experiencing every new life event as the Biggest Deal Ever (™).  “Opening Night” proves that that’s where the show draws its pathos from as well. 

– Alec Bojalad

The Queen’s Gambit – “End Game”

For being one of the best shows of 2020, not much happens in Netflix’s The Queen’s Gambit that could be considered surprising. True to Scott Frank’s limited series sports movie (or bildungsroman) format, chess prodigy Beth Harmon displays preternatural talent, suffers some setbacks, and then comes out on top again. What makes the show excellent, however, is in its execution of that formula. 

Nowhere is the show’s execution more acute and satisfying than it is in the finale, “End Game.” This final hour finds Beth finally heading to Moscow to take on her only real rival one final time. The outcome is never really in doubt, but the journey is a supremely satisfying one. There are no shortage of fist-pumping moments, from Beth winning the admiration of her chess idol, to all her friends jumping on the phone to pre-game her final match. It’s the final coda that lingers most pleasantly though. Now on top of the chess world, Beth heads outside to find several Russian citizens playing some exhibition matches. The challenge is over, the day is won, and now all that’s left to do is to keep playing. Not for anyone else but herself. 

– Alec Bojalad

Schitt’s Creek – “The Presidential Suite”

The sixth and final season of Schitt’s Creek had a lot of loose ends to tie. The saga of the Rose family, who lost everything but the town Johnny Rose bought for a joke took us on a redemptive journey, not just for them but for town as a whole. It would be easy for the sake of this list, then, to select “Happy Ending” the glorious, hyperbolic finale which includes David and Patrick’s wedding and Moira’s greatest ensemble yet as the best ep. Instead though, it’s this lower key episode from season we choose to celebrate for it’s pitch perfect mix of hope, humor and humanity. This is Alexis and Ted’s episode. While David and Patrick’s romance and nuptials dominate the later series of the show, in “The Presidential Suite” we see Alexis and Ted’s relationship come to a close.

Ted has been offered his dream job in the Galapagos Islands. Alexis’s career as a publicist is starting to take off. He’s travelled back to spend a long weekend with her but his plans got derailed due to some dodgy airline milk. So now the two have just one evening together, and it turns out it’ll be spent saying goodbye. In possibly the most devastating scene in the whole show the two have a private dinner at the Cafe Tropical, where they reflect on how the relationship has helped them both grow. It’s understated, it’s grown up and it’s deeply moving, with gravitas given to characters who are generally speaking not taken very seriously.  It’s perfect. Elsewhere in the ep, the second Rosebud motel is almost ready to open and the Roses and the Schitts are competing to christen the best room for the night, while Patrick’s spray tan results in photographic hilarity. There are plenty of great gags – Patrick’s face being one of them – but “Presidential Suite” belongs to Alexis and Ted.

 – Rosie Fletcher

Solar Opposites – “Terry and Korvo Steal a Bear”

“Terry and Korvo Steal a Bear” deserves a spot on our best-of list due to title trickery alone. The synopsis of Solar Opposites season 1’s penultimate episode reads “Terry, Korvo, Yumyulack, and Jesse team up to steal a bear from the zoo” but of course: precisely none of this happens. In reality Justin Roiland and Mike McMahan’s excellent animated comedy for Hulu plays a truly wonderful sleight of hand. 

The entirety of this episode takes place inside young alien Jesse’s bedroom terrarium where she has imprisoned dozens of shrunken human beings. The show picks up with the goings on “inside the wall” several times throughout the season, but this episode devotes the entirety of its running time to the stories of Tim, Cherie, and all the other people inside this shockingly complex political ecosystem. 

Perhaps the best thing any installment of television can do is to make us care deeply about something that we weren’t even aware of to begin with. And that’s the real strength of “Terry and Korvo Steal a Bear.” Though all of this is happening on a truly small scale, it’s hard not to get swept up in the drama of Tim’s fight against The Duke or perhaps even shed some tears at the loss of a very sweet mouse named Molly.

 – Alec Bojalad

Ted Lasso – “The Hope That Kills You”

Any sports fan can tell you that it is indeed “the hope that kills you”. Hope is one of the most dangerous things to have in any endeavor you truly care about. After all, how can expectations lead to anything other than disappointment? Defying expectations, however, is Apple TV+’s sports comedy, Ted Lasso, which builds up a lot of hope through its first nine episodes, and then delivers on that hope in a truly satisfying way for the finale. 

The Jason Sudeikis and Bill Lawrence-produced Ted Lasso has the sports movie beats down pat. American football coach Ted Lasso gets an English football coaching job through some truly ridiculous circumstances. His team, AFC Richmond, naturally struggles on the pitch but begin to flourish off of it thanks to the relentless optimism of their new gaffer. This remarkable finale is where the rubber finally meets the road. Can AFC Richmond win one game to avoid relegation and fulfill their coach’s hope in them? The answer, somewhat surprisingly, is no. 

But the real accomplishment of “The Hope That Kills You” is that it finds hope and victory in defeat all the same. 

– Alec Bojalad

The Umbrella Academy – “743”

The penultimate episode of The Umbrella Academy’s second season provided a hefty amount of buildup for the finale, but it was also distinguished by several major reveals and sacrifices, some of which have yet to be fully realized. In the space of a single episode, the apocalypse is averted (again), Hargreeves reveals his true nature (sort of), and the time travel cops of the Commission prepare for a war that perfectly sets up the finale.

The most poignant sacrifice is made by Ben as he explores the depths of Vanya’s mind to keep her from using her powers to start a third world war, but he was technically already dead and has taken a new form of sorts by the end of the season. But other sacrifices put this episode over the top, including the inevitable death of Kennedy and the destruction of the briefcase that could have taken Five and his family home.

– Michael Ahr

What We Do in the Shadows – “On the Run”

Imagine getting none other than Mark Hamill to guest star as a white-haired vampire named Jim upset about a rental agreement on your show. And then imagine not pursuing that rich vein of comedy in favor of having one of your other vampire characters don a “human” disguise and then hit the road merely to avoid paying off some bed and breakfast debts. Well you don’t have to imagine such a scenario if you’re the folks behind FX’s hilarious and brilliant What We Do in the Shadows. This TV adaptation of Taika Waititi and Jemaine Clement’s classic mockumentary film remained as bold and experimental as ever in its second season. Nowhere was it bolder, however, than in the instantly iconic “On the Run.”

“On the Run” exploits one of the tried and true rules of comedic storytelling on television: give Matt Berry the ball and let him cook like LeBron James. Berry has the time of his life in this half hour as Laszlo flees his Staten Island home and heads into hiding in Pennsylvania as Jackie Daytona, normal human bartender. It’s just remarkable to watch Laszl…we mean Jackie Daytona have the time of his life as a pillar of the community and major booster of the local girls high school volleyball team. Of course, the piece de resistance, is everyone’s shocking inability to recognize him as an undead bloodsucker. Even Hamill’s Jim the Vampire doesn’t recognize his foe until Laszlo pulls the signature Jackie Daytona toothpick out of his mouth.

“On the Run” may be pound for pound the funniest episode of television to air this year and all we normal humans are better for having experienced it. 

– Alec Bojalad

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[tiredbiplantlady]

bipolar ask posted by loloren69 

General:

1. Type 1 or type 2? 

I don’t really know. I could speculate as a psych master’s student, but I don’t feel comfortable making that call. I only know my therapist told me I was bipolar, said I was manic, and described mania to me and specified my behaviors that fell in line with that, no doubt about it, which would indicate bipolar I

2. Self-dx or professional dx? 

Self-suspected, professional confirmed 

3. Are you currently hypo/manic, depressed, mixed, stable, or not sure?

Hypomanic at the least, but it feels like I’m coming down because I’m exhausted for the first time in a while and 6 or 7 days of barely sleeping  

4. Do you have any other mental illnesses/disorders? 

I’ve had a diagnosable form of nearly every anxiety disorder in the DSM at different times since childhood and was diagnosed with various disorders from ADD to dysthymia and adjustment disorder. I consider my only other still-valid diagnosis to be PTSD, but it’s in remission.

5. When did you first start having symptoms? 

In retrospect I’d say the mood problems started around 15, but it got way worse in 2014 and worse still in 2015. the depressive symptoms were out of control and may have been a mixed episode (age 22) 

6. When did you realize/learn that you have bipolar? 

I suspected it briefly as a teenager even though I didn’t know shit about it, but didn’t think about it again until the past year and then the past few months my therapist identified symptoms I described as hypomania and in the last week as mania 

7. Have you ever received a misdiagnosis?

I don’t know if my former diagnoses were necessarily “misdiagnoses” - I think symptoms change over time, new things come up, other things trail off. I think one professional can see symptoms and call it one thing and another professional can call it something else. It’s complicated and subjective. 

8. How self-aware are you on a scale of 1-10? 

LMAO I am the most over-analyzing, self-aware person - easy 9 or 10

9. How many people know about your bipolar disorder? 

Couple people. I’m skeptical about talking about disorders, especially new diagnoses because I’m insecure about what people think because I’ve received several from different professionals, and outside people tend to just see a shifting diagnosis and think I’m making shit up “new year, new diagnosis” always gotta have “something wrong with me” to talk about. Which isn’t how I feel and labels don’t really mean shit, it’s the symptoms and their treatment I care about. A label is just a fast way to describe something complex. sorry it took a while to figure out what was wrong and i went thru many labels before landing here

10. Are any of your family members bipolar? 

Two formal diagnoses/very related diagnoses that I know of (grandma - MDD w/psychotic features, highly likely undiagnosed bipolar based on past behaviors (delusions, hallucinations, yelling on top of a roof, etc. police called, institutionalization), uncle - bipolar I w/psychotic features). some others I suspect, imo

11. Name three fictional characters you relate to and/or headcanon as bipolar. 

Uhhh Ian Gallagher. I’m not creative with this right now and I haven’t thought about this at all. 

Hypo/mania:

12. When hypo/manic, do you get euphoric, dysphoric, angry, creative, social, or several of the above? 

It depends. It seems like I get euphoric, creative and social sometimes, and euphoric, agitated (not angry), and dysphoric other times. But those cluster together

13. What has been your longest hypo/manic episode? 

I think it was from November 2016 to January 2017, so like 3 months, but it was the first “episode” I noted and kept even some track of after the fact. I may have had others in the past. 

14. Have you ever had a psychotic episode? What symptoms did it include? 

I’ve had two depressive episodes that I can specifically certainly note that included delusions (lasted just over a month to two months) of the somatic variety. 

15. What kind of impulsive decisions have you made? 

Where do I start? Over-spending, over-eating, drinking to excess, impulsive risky sex/sexual situations/hypersexuality, getting tattoos/piercings (kinda goes with spending, but I mention it specifically because it’s permanent), long-distance travel without telling anyone where I was going, cheating, lying, not thinking ahead and it hurting people, falling in love, ending relationships, general recklessness and selfishness. I’m sure there’s more and I’m not proud of it in the slightest, so please don’t think I am. 

16. What’s the most money you’ve spent in a single day while hypo/manic? 

$200-300

17. What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep? 

Period...um. I couldn’t say. Probably 2 with NO sleep and with minimal sleep (3-4 hours) over a week

18. Are you a creative type? Have you ever made a poem/song/other artwork about being bipolar? 

I’m creative, but I don’t write about being bipolar because I never fully considered myself to be so until recently. I’ve written about mood instability and trauma a TON tho. And much of my art work is and always has been about duality, mixed emotions, extremes, and highs/lows. 

Depression:

19. When depressed, do you get suicidal, bored, anxious, guilty, or several of the above? 

It depends, but I’m mostly unmotivated as fuck and empty. I start feeling worthless and unlovable and I hate myself. Sometimes I feel suicidal, but have never attempted and won’t. I’ve self-harmed and planned how to kill myself, but was never intending to do it. I’ve spent the majority of my life in a state of constant anxiety so there’s that, especially when depressed. Irrational guilt and sluggishness are common for me with depression. Once in a while my mood dives along with my energy, but my mind is over-worked and highly anxious, which is when the delusions I’ve had occurred. 

20. What has been your longest depressive episode? 

Fuck...months upon months. I couldn’t tell you. Maybe even a year or more, which is why I was misdiagnosed as dysthymic as a teenager 

21. How do you cope with depression? 

In the past, I didn’t. I suffered massively. Now, I’m still not so great with it. I talk in therapy and I write, but even still I tend to stay in bed and feel numb/mope/distract myself with anything I can. I tend to be able to function enough to go to school because I feel like my life and future depends on it, am anxious as fuck, and do my best but end up with late work, being withdrawn and feeling doomed to fail, believe I’m doing far worse than I am and that I’m awful and don’t deserve to be there

22. Are you a sleep-all-day depressive or an insomniac depressive? Do you overeat or lose your appetite? 

It depends, but in the most recent past, sleep-all-day and overeat. But I’ve been sleep-all-day and no appreciative and I’ve also been insomniac and overeat (2013-14) 

23. When is the last time you cried or had a breakdown? 

Tuesday August 1, 2017 (9 days ago) 

24. Have you ever self-harmed? 

YUP. Razor blades/cutting, punishing binge-eating, starvation, and abusive risky BDSM/relationships/sex 

25. Have you had problems with substance abuse? 

Not really, but I’ve drank a little lately 

26. Have you ever attended AA/NA/etc? 

No 

27. Have you ever attempted suicide? 

No 

28. Have you ever written a suicide note?

Yes, but it was just to get it out. I threw it out after I wrote it. 

Other symptoms and treatment:

29. Do you ever dissociate? 

Y U P 

30. Do you ever have hallucinations? If so, what are they? 

No hallucinations. I’ve thought I’ve heard shit before, but I’m pretty sure it was a fluke and I want to believe in ghosts so. Call me crazy if you want, but what the fuck ever. I’ve had delusions only 

31. Do you see a therapist? Do you feel like it’s helping? 

Yes and yes 

32. Are you on any medications? Do you feel like they’re helping? 

No, not anymore, and I fucking hate anti-depressants, refuse mood-stabilizers and anti-psychotics and maybe want to keep having some anxiety meds

33. Have you ever been hospitalized? 

No, and I want to keep it that way 

34. Have you ever attended group therapy? 

No, but I’ve conducted roleplay group therapy baahaha

35. Have any of your symptoms gotten worse over the years? 

Yeah, I think the manic shit has gotten worse over the last 2 years 

36. Have any of your symptoms gotten better over the years? 

I think the depressive stuff has gotten a little better, or maybe just less frequent  

37. Do you have a favorite coping method? 

What does that mean...healthy or unhealthy...I guess I like meditation and I fucking miss working out A LOT. I like drinking as an unhealthy thing, but I’m sure I’ll hate it as much as I hate binge-eating once it catches up to me if I let it get that far. I’m tired of gaining weight after the 80 pounds I lost, and it’s really fucking with my self-esteem, makes me feel frustrated and sick 

38. If you could choose to be neurotypical, would you?

 No 

[elfiethewickedcancelled]

I want talk to be about bipolar!Grantaire for a minute or two?

Okay so this is mostly based on my own experiences and I'm far from an expert so bare with me

As a child Grantaire was always either hyperactive or really low  

Some day he would run around, talk a mile a minute, draw on the walls, on the floor, on *everything* he was just so *happy* those days that his mother overlooked all the bad sides of it. On those days he couldn't shut up in class but he did his homework ever time

On the other days, on the bad days, he was slow and sad, barely talked and didn't touch a paintbrush or crayon. he didn't interrupt his classes but skipped homework when he got home. His mother tried her best to cheer him up but he was just... low

Of course he had normal days too when he was just like any other kid

He continued like this into his teenage years but the year after he started collage he fell into a deep depressive state

Luckily he had Joly ad Bossuet that tried their best to get him out of bed, if not to his classes then to the park, or even just the supermarket

This depressive period lasted about three months and Joly were starting to think about dragging Grantaire to the doctors office when suddenly one day they come into the apartment to find R painting

He had been out for a walk where he'd seen these beautiful flowers, in just the right light and he just had to go home and paint them, and for once that energy had stayed,

He was happy and produced so many paintings, he even followed them to the meetings at the Musain

Where he happily took part in tearing apart the beautiful marble mans speeches

After a few weeks though that the energy fades and he gets low again, Joly is worried he might get sick again. he stops painting, he stops leaving the house he stops coming to the meetings and if they drag him with them he sits in the back staring into the wall behind Enjoras

This goes on back and forth for a few months while his "up" periods becomes more intense and his "down" periods becomes longer

it isn't until Joly finds him still painting where he left him three days ago, he has barley eaten and not slept at all that someone realises something might be wrong

still it's written off as "artistic behaviour"

He gets more fired up in his speeches - almost competes with Enjolras – but he is also more and more incoherent.

In the end it's Enjolras who realises something is wrong. He comes over to Grantaire, sees the place in a mess - he almost thinks someone broke in - he can't find Grantaire anywhere but he sees a door to the roof open and goes up there. On the roof Grantaire stands with his arms stretched out, Enjolras stands next to him and R turn to him has says "Look Enjy I'm flying" an points to a bird. He is there, but at the same time he is not - he is looking at something only he can see.  

Enjolras's who've suspected for sometime now, done his reading on the subject manages to get R to the hospital

There, after taking one look at him, hearing Enjolras story, they give him some pills and Enj manages to convince a nurse that Enjolras is enough to keep an eye on Grantaire and that, yes, he will call for help if something happens

After a few hours R starts to "come down" and Enj explains what they are doing there, R who himself realises something might be up accepts Enjolras offer to stay and figure it out together

He begs him not to call the other amis until they know for sure though

So a doctor come in and after a long line of questions that both R and Enjolras gets to answer they are left alone again but by then R is going "up" again

The night at the hospital ends with Enj listening to r rambling about different subjects

In the morning the doctors come back with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder 1 and prescribe R a starting dose of medicine that he is supposed to take every morning and afternoon

Enjolras follows him home, holds his pills in one hand, E's shaking hand in the other on the way home

When they come back to Enj's apartment (he didn't want to subject R to the mess R had made at his own) he holds him as he cries and cries and cries

Enjolras holds his hand as they call first Joly and Bossuet (who first are furious at E for not calling them earlier until R explains that E probably saved his life and that he wanted to do his on his own - well as much as it counts when E was there  

Enjolras holds his hand when they come over

Enjolras holds his hand when he explains it all

Enjolras follows him to his first check up and is there for him during the process

Slowly R becomes more stable his dark days are fewer and lighter, his manic days disappear

That's when he skips his meds

He misses the high highs when he could *paint*

Enjolras is out of town, so Jehan is the one to notice and sooths R into taking his pills again

When R starts tp cry and says that he misses the beauty and the *colour* of the worlds, the energy ,the euphoria

He misses to having his  sanity in a pill bottle

Jehan promises to help him find it anyway shows him the beauty in poems in paintings, in flowers, in humans and shows R that you don't need to be high to be happy

And that taking the pills might be worth it if I means R and his friends doesn't have to worry about him going insane

When Enjolras comes back from his trip and his first thing to do is to scold R for skipping his meds and then hug him and say that he is proud of him for getting back on him R realises what Jehan meant because he is happy when he is with his friends, when he go for walks, when he paints but when Enj hugs him the world explodes

the two hardest parts of starting on meds were 1. giving up the highest high, and making the decision to give that up every day, 2 to stop drinking, as meds and alcohol don't mix

when R is six months stable Enj asks him out for dinner to celebrate - when the night is over and E drops R off E asks if he can kiss him

of course he can

He still have days when he is happier then others, he still have days when he has more energy, he still have days when the worlds seem bleak he still have days when he misses the by natural high.  

There are some disadvantages , like the fact that he is not allowed to drive a car but all in all he wouldn't trade it for the world - he experiences everything so much stronger then everyone else and with the love an support from his friends the struggles are easier to fight.  

and every time Enjolras holds his hand, or he makes his friends laugh or creates a new painting he feels like maybe he doesn't need to be manic to feel like he's walking on the clouds

and that's what I have for now

TL;DR: Bipolar!Grantaire is very important to me

[evenbechnet]

GROUP CHAT 7/01/17 GMT

Feel free to edit and add!! 00:00- all quiet, everyone finally goes the fuck to sleep

1am- salma, bells and Elliot having a party and crying about the summary, horse Even!?? Why? Animals, farm yard animal, farm discourse TM. Quack quack mother fuckers.

2am-killer tire in dessert movie, ohmygid these guys are literally shit posting idk what I’m summarising but I’m laughing, Elliot gets attacked by animals how is he alive?,

3am-9am- wondering about Eva noora discourse, wondering about anteater Wilhelm,

Fic Recs galore: - http://archiveofourown.org/users/rhalei/bookmarks - https://archiveofourown.org/works/8815849 - http://archiveofourown.org/works/8961337 - http://archiveofourown.org/works/8802484/ - https://archiveofourown.org/works/8820784 - http://archiveofourown.org/series/607585 - WIP with 4 chapter no link!???

Talking about terrible FICS again, werewolf isak vs hung horse even, RHAE “instead of biking to the pool ISAK rides on evens back”, furry vs curry discourse, this isn’t VILDUS pls , Taha: someone needs to read it and report back/////

Ao3 FICS are weird, mermaid fic, (someone rec that properly pls I havnt read it -Zaa) , more talking about the trailer dropping and how we gon die, might require spray bottles,

Daf is awake and approves of the FICS, caterpillar on chrispys face in s1 #confirmed, FANART is so sacred , must protect at all costs, so much talent

WHERE IS A SNAKES BUTTHOLE, snakesak has taken over as a horrifying meme, snake tongue compile? Snake videos? Pls provide links, he always licking his lipssss we should have known, WE CANT GO BACK,

10am- if Isak has dry lips Even needs to be licking them for him, JUST COUPLE THINGS EVAK

11am- Shola wages a one man war on the crispy discourse, her soul has been penetrated by p Chris, sprays bottle and despair, Shola tried recalling her fellow demons daf and Rhae for back up, more pchris discourse(more like only pictures), hating on shola )): , everyone being possesed by pchris, FICS discussion, ao3 vs lj vs ffnet, first fandoms?

12am- Harry Potter aus, which houses discourse,slytherin isak and his snake pickup lines, see seperate post.drawings of snakesak with snake.

1pm- ISAK so pale, cafeteria scene creys, that week was too dark, General ep 6 and 7 love, SHOES, halla scene vs hotel room scene, matching boyfriends

2pm- it was defo isaks first time, INFINITE, why was Even hair still perfect, it was the icecream secret, Faiza pray bottle is needed, when even touches isaks Lip in the hotel SCENE, NOSE IN HIS MOUTH, ER DU DANSK, 2pm is Lot okay- AND ISAK BEING SO CLOSE TO HIS MOM LIKE "OK BUT YOU DIDNT PAY ME THIS WEEK AND YOUR SON MADE ME BUY SO MUCH SHIT WITH MYYYYY MONEY???"

Evens mum and isaks mum head canons, Listen someone write a fic where their families have a get together @cz where r u- there is no way to summarise what's happening it's actual chaos.

SHOLA FOLIGH AWAY, more crispy wilhelmmy faces, they never end, will we ever be free? Chris and Eva the new FOLGERS commercial - Dani is leaving to EAT GOOD THINGs - like snakes aka venom!???, HANDS, Evaks hands, who cares about SEX scenes we want hand holding, THERE WAS NO SEX SCENS DISCOURSE GOT TO IRONIC

3pm- PORNHUB talk, dick talk, are dicks ugly or not, what did ISAK do in the shower in ep8, how do ppl not read the texts between clips, Faiza coming for us all with even giving ESKILD sex advice and tips, Rhae throws holy water- OH How THE TURN TABLES, Eskild even Isak hitting gay bars head canons, kitchen sex ftw, they fucked in the kitchen after 5 fine frøkner #confirmed,ILL TATTOO MANNEN I MITT LIV ON MY FOREHEAD, NSFW headcanons: Even probably makes dick jokes while they have sex, probably goes "the millennium falcon isn't the only thing that comes in less than 12 parsecs" when he's close and isak just goes wtf Honestly I can summarise this its just filth about EVAK sex are we any better than the chrispy fan girls!?

just all around terrible EVAK sex headcanons to Justin beibers baby. DONT LOOK AT ME I AM IN THE SHAMECUBE.

Evens SEX playlist;

- My anaconda - nicki - Baby my Justin beiber - Talk dirty to me - Take U down by Chris brown - Lots of years and years

Praise kink Isak, its it's just filth for an hour plus about EVAK sex I'm not gonna lie, ISAK likes scarves because they cover them hickeys

4pm- Faiza telling us a cute EVAK In School making out behind closed class room door, Shola and RHAE span crispy, even tongue is not alone anymore hi isaks tongue, why is this chat so filthy we all need Jesus, multiple holy water GIFS, ocean gif, penetrator ET, HALLA after sex, DAF and Zaa livetexting the awful sleeping beauty fic , let's never speak of it again, more shitting on eyewitness, Talking about good shows, watch merli, the get down,sense8,

5pm- s4 NRK poll, skam saved 2016 y'all, so many feelings, getting pretty sappy, love all y'all, skam as a good and bad coping mechanism the discourse, from dicks to feelings: and EVAK story, even4s4 discourse for the tusen time, crispy Kreme roasting, season 4 trailer contemplation, 8th Jan at 21:21 WHAT LIES, also u; waiting t 21/22 8th Jan refreshing the site,

6pm- we are all hot AF #confirmed, the tollness vs smolness debate, we are all dating now it is decided, crushes and how to flirt, EVAK yoga store, COUPLES yoga, ASK OLD ESKILD typo I love to regret My life, more love life talk, let's take desperate to a whole new level of EVAK could do it so can we

7pm- Evens bipolar diagnosis discourse, fandom before and after ep8 on the subject, bitch we guessed it we was RIGHT, wlw on skam pls, attacking VILDUS smh, vilde Magnus sexuality debate TBH, WILLHELM NOSE CANT FIT INTO CHRISPEE's MOUTH, never gets ask old, look at that washboard ass, crispy again, will we ever be free of crispy, TRIGGERED WILHELMY AND CRISPY

8pm- quotes for edits, poems and writing such talent here u guys

9pm: fic talk, finally the mermaid fic link (http://archiveofourown.org/works/9111700/chapters/20710825), why is there tarjei David friendship discourse why, why are ppl so gross!?,

10pm- hating women who get IinThe way of m/m ships PLS DONT, why must ppl invalidate even and isaks sexualities?, 11pm- all quite on the western front TBH

[writerlindseybrennan]

My introduction

I'm a part time writer who aspires one day to be an author who earns a small amount of royalties for her published works. One day.

I've written bits here and there, off and one since fifth grade but never made it past one poem or a start if a short story in high school.

That's not quite correct. I did write my first erotica work as a short story my junior year of high school. I was a silly girl and let a pair of younger girls borrow it. By the end of the day I was in the principal's office receiving the riot act. My parents were none too pleased with me either. All of that quashed my creative desires for a couple of years

When I attended university I took a freshman poetry seminar and found my love if writing again even if it wasn't steamy stories. It's taken many years to come back to my erotic cravings to the point I wanted to share them with the world.

I write erotica from sweet romantic with some loving spanking to hardcore, dark flavor with heavy, sometimes strong topics, of power exchange, intense bondage, dubious consent, consensual non-consensual, very rough sex, pain turned to pleasure, humiliation, deep submission.

As you can see I have a kinked, twisted mind. That is counterbalanced with my characters dealing with the challenges of their mental health diagnosis, living life, finding love. They're broken, hurting, wounded, imperfect, beautiful in their complexity.

They're a partial reflection of me. I manage my bipolar I, generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, complex PTSD. I've seen the effects of schizophrenia, dissociative identity disorder, borderline personality disorder. It takes a blend of medications, counseling, coping skills, community support to help me manage my symptoms. It's no different than someone with diabetes. They have a lifetime of managing just like I do.

My characters and main male protagonists are also quirky, nerdy, geeky, complex, sometimes shy, introverted, reserved, sweet. The females are strong, intelligent, curvaceous, sassy, sweet, generously loving, just as complex. They know how to bring out the alphaness in their guy or gal. They know how to be a catalyst for the one they love and power up the firm dominance they crave.

One of my male protagonists managing bipolar, anxiety, depression, complex PTSD, firmly introverted and one of my female protagonists managing dissociative identity disorder, suppression, anxiety, her own complex PTSD, cutting mutually win each other thought texts, Skype, and even a sweet, tender, awkward first time in person meetup. They later have a special night out and he learns just how delicious she is with her mind, her words, that special tone in her voice that wakes his strong closeted confidence and dominant abilities. She shows him how to be the powerful man for which she hungers without taking away his sweetness.

I make my characters atypical because, guess what, so am I. I want them to live well regardless of what they face. I want them to be cherished, savoured heroes just like the trope alphas and trope sweet, soft submissive girls they seek. The difference is, I like mine to be the surprise characters that become more that others think they can be.

So, this is me and my mind exhibiting ourselves to the world. Enjoy and feel free to comment.

[her-culture]

Mental Health Awareness Month is Over, What Now?

Each year, Americans get more and more accustomed to the fact that mental health is in the same classification as physical health. Over the past few months, I’ve seen an unprecedented amount of celebrities, friends, acquaintances, and family members come forward with their own mental health experiences. Support is steadily growing across the social media landscape for those facing substance abuse, psychiatric disorders, such as depression and bipolar disorder, and self-harm. May was deemed Mental Health Awareness month in 1949. Why has it taken 70 years for mental health to become less of a taboo? Why does the stigma still overshadow people in need?

Just five years ago, I was afraid to tell many people about my bipolar 1 diagnosis. I was embarrassed about seeing a therapist  and worried about being judged by others who don’t understand what mania is. Now I’ll blurt it out on a Tinder date because why should I hide who I am? No one should ever feel alone in their minds. Mental Health Awareness month is over, but I don’t want the outpouring of encouragement in the mental health community to dry up. Here are a few things you can do to continue to show your support for mental health awareness, not only in May, but as long as it takes to sink the stigma and to lift up love for one another.

Share Your Story

It is hard to admit when your mind is sick because mental illness has been masquerading as weakness. Owning up to your struggles and being honest about your feelings is brave, bold, and strong. It takes courage to ask for help. Go at your own pace. Tell someone you trust about your mounting anxiety. Call a mental health support line if you’d like to confide troubling thoughts or feelings in an anonymous supporter. When more people share personal stories of mental health struggles, less people will feel ostracized in their emotions. Additionally, more transparency reduces the stigma surrounding mental illness, and promotes normalization and acceptance.

Support Mental Health Causes and Initiatives

Trust me, I know a lot of millennials are short on finances. I’m swimming in that sea myself. But there are so many ways to support mental health causes without spending lots of money.

If you are touched by a meaningful cause, promote it on social media and by word of mouth. My friend and mentor, Samantha Schutz (@sam_shutz), author of inspiring Young Adult mental health memoir, I Don’t Want to Be Crazy, teamed up with graphic artist Annica Lydenberg (@dirtybandits), to launch a mural series in support of mental health advocacy. If you’re an NYC #culturegirl, I strongly recommend you visit the You Are Not Alone murals at three locations in Brooklyn. Even if you’re not local, share these beautiful images on your social media to spread messages of positivity and support. The three artists who worked on this series, Annica, Adam Fu (@adamfu), and Jason Naylor (@jasonnaylor), used their creativity to support mental health awareness in the coolest way. Do your part to search out community events and opportunities like these murals that surround mental health and celebrate peace & love. Tweet about it, post about it, shout about it on your stories--heck, even tell the cashier at your favorite coffee shop.

Volunteer for a walk or 5K! You usually have to crowdfund and raise donations for these experiences, but it’s such a rewarding process. Every year I walk in the Out of Darkness Suicide Walk to Fight Suicide through the American Society of Suicide Prevention in honor of my close friend. See if there are any events coming up in your area.

Practice Self-Care

You can’t help someone else if you don’t help yourself. We are so hard on our bodies, minds, and emotions. I know that I have a habit of calling myself names when I’m in a bad mood and I often harbor feelings of jealousy and low self-esteem. It’s unhealthy to be mean to yourself! I do my best to be an optimistic and positive person, but I find myself swept into negative thought spirals as much as anyone. Luckily, you can find inspiration and support from all over to make you feel less alone in your fight for serenity. Empathy goes a long way.

Listen to music! Watch out for my playlist of songs on the Her Culture Spotify account that inspire self-confidence and solidarity in mental health awareness. You can make your own playlist specifically for those moments of darkness. Fill it with songs that feel like hugs when the melody creeps into your ear canals. Put songs in that remind you of happy times in your life or of people you love. Collect jams that tell stories in the music. Turn your playlist up when you need a boost or some relaxation.

Create! Everyone can be an artist in their own way. Sketch silly drawings of sunshine even if you don’t feel like the next Van Gogh. Write poems, stories, and self-reflections. It’s cathartic to funnel frustrations into a creation if you don’t feel like venting to a friend. The pressure to be successful at hobbies can be hard to overcome, but every creator starts somewhere. Just do your own thing and try not to compare what you’re working on to someone else’s work. Consider submitting words and art to You Make Me Feel Less Alone, a companion to the murals I mentioned earlier.

Suicide rates have risen each year since 2008. With an evolving society in technology, environment, and politics comes the harsh reality that hate breeds and continues to breed in all spaces we frequent with our minds and bodies. We must stand together to stamp out the pressure we all face as human beings with pulses and pumping hearts. Support spreads like a wave at a baseball game. The more hands that raise, the more hands that join the wave. Show your support. End the stigma.