#and then i woke up with another anxiety attack

[harryssecretmessages]

🥹

[queers-gambit]

Endure and Survive

prompt: ( x4 ? requested ) you need Joel to survive after enduring the unimaginable.

pairing: Joel Miller x female!wife!reader -> only height mentioned: you're shorter than Joel

fandom masterlist: HBO's The Last of Us

word count: 12k+

warnings: obvious spoilers, S2E2 reader insert, Fix It Joel, Joel Miller survives / lives, AU timeline, cursing, mentions blood and injury, guns, dead bodies, parentified!reader, wife!reader, found family obviously - Ellie calls you 'mom'. mentions of explicit material: marijuana / weed, the horses have names idc, established relationship, angst, hurt / comfort, drama, depiction of anxiety and panic attacks, not edited, Lord's name in vain, single Spanish word. imagination, caution, and maturity required. happy but abrupt ending, possible (past) morally grey!reader, petnames.

You woke earlier than your husband as usual, humming in the first streaks of morning light; stretching minimally as to not wake the man beside you, whose bare legs were tangled with yours. However, try as you might, the arm coiled around your waist constricted to a bruising strength; which caused your lips to stretch in a bemused grin.

"Sun ain't up," his gruff, gravely voice grated in your ear.

"Mh," you hummed, "but it is."

"Not if you shut your eyes."

"Still work that needs done."

"C'mon, baby, can spare another hour."

With a sigh, you laid your arm over his, "You know today's not the day for delay." He huffed, knowing you were right. "You know," you turned over in his embrace to greet the lightly tanned face aged with freckles and faint liver spots, decorated with few scars, "should ask Ellie t'go on patrol with you this mornin'."

"Baby."

"Joel."

"She's... Still a bit pissed."

"Okay, but what teenage daughter isn't?" You snickered.

"She ain't mad at you."

"'Cause I let her fight her own battles."

"Oh, so, now it's my fault for wantin' to protect her?"

"I didn't say that," you sighed with a patient smile. "But Ellie's not that vulnerable, green 14-year-old we met in Boston, baby. And... Look, I'm not saying Seth ain't deserve it, but they were walking away. You and I could've gone a different route, you know?"

"As her parents - "

"It's our right to protect our kid," you insisted. "But consider the circumstances, I think you embarrassed her a little."

"How?" You just offered him a knowing look, making Joel groan, "Fine, all right? Fine, I know, it was public - "

"So very public."

"And she was gonna say her own piece... But if not then, when the fuck am I supposed to step in? What he said was homophobic, doll, if we let him get away with it, would've opened the door for him or anyone else to run their mouth."

"We beat the shit outta him in an alley, of course. Or, you know, maaaybe we go out on patrol together and maaaybe they don't come back?"

"Yeah, yeah," he groaned, "but I ain't think."

"That's one thing I love about you - you act first. It's very noble, like you just have this inherent sense of right and wrong. Never really need time to think."

Joel chuckled, "It's too early for the sweet talk."

"It's never too early - especially when you're protectin' our girl. It's hot..."

"You just said - "

"I never said you were wrong, I'm just trying to take Ellie's perspective into account. Look, she's at that age where life feels invincible, where she's been through more than we can truly fathom - so, she feels twice the age she really is. But she's still young, still a trigger-happy-moron and will never stop needing her parents. She just wants to feel like she's a bit of independence, like we trust her to fight her own battles and handle her own shit. I think we're supposed to just... I don't know, keep watch and jump in if she can't handle it. You know? But we gotta give her the opportunity to do it on her own in the first place."

Joel offered you a side-ways glance, "You been talkin' to Gail?"

"Fuck off," you snickered, trying to sit up but being wrangled back into the sheets. "Joel," you laughed, "we gotta get gone. C'mon, you heard what happened last night - "

"Just ten more minutes, baby, please."

"You really wanna risk Maria siccing Benji on us again? I'm pretty sure we traumatized him last time, Maria said he kept asking if that's where babies come from."

You swore his cheeks bloomed brightly, but it was quickly hidden as his face shoved into your neck with a gruff sort of whimper. "Guess not..."

Taking pity, your hands shot into his salty locks to rake your nails over his scalp soothingly. "Ten minutes, handsome, then I gotta get to the stable."

Ten minutes with Joel turned into 30 easily, but it was worth the reprimand from Maria just to be able to get extra time in his arms and peacefully have coffee together before a long day. She asked you to send Ellie to her before she left on patrol, then requested you go with her - if only for your own peace of mind, knowing she's safe. After the previous night's report of a horde of Infected lying in wait under the snow and about 30 other frozen Infected used as insulation, she felt better sending you with the two young adults.

However, during your morning chores in the stables, you were surprised to see Joel, Dina, and Jesse enter together; asking for their usual mounts as the young man leaned on the stall beside you.

You shot Joel an annoyed look, but he just sighed, "I wanted t'go with her, baby, swear; but Ellie had a long night, you know? Should let her sleep a bit."

"Joel."

"It's all right, Dina said she'd go instead."

Your head shook, "Fine, but we're having family dinner tonight - no exceptions. Y'all gotta talk this shit out, okay? The tension's drivin' me insane."

"Me too," Dina quipped with a small smirk.

"Me three," Jesse chimed in, snickering when you and Joel pinned him with looks; only yours was out of amusement and his, out of annoyance.

"Family dinner, kid," he repeated.

You chuckled with Jesse and Dina, asking the young man, "Whatcha need, bud? You goin' with them, too? We sending trios now?"

"Nah, Maria said I'm going with you and Ellie," Jesse informed, and only Dina clocked the way Joel's shoulders released from the perpetual tension they were haunched in.

"Yeah, all right, cool," you agreed with a small sniffle. "Lemme get these two up and out - I'll get our horses after."

"Baby," Joel stepped up, "let Ellie sleep a bit more."

"We'll have her up for 8 o'clock patrol," you nodded, wrapping your arms around his waist to hang off his form and for hands to squeeze your hips. "Now, what're y'all gonna do?"

"Radio in."

"How often?"

"Every 20 minutes, doll."

"And?"

"Stay safe."

"And?"

"Don't be reckless."

"And?"

"Am I forgettin' one of your rules?"

"Mhm, I literally just said it - "

"Oh! I know, I know!" Dina waved her hand in the air, grinning, "Be home in time for family dinner!"

"That's my smart girl," you praised, making the girl preen with pride.

Joel chuckled, "Yeah, sugar, we'll be back in time. Channel 7 for us, right?"

"Exactly," you breathed, sudden nerves spiking to make your face fall as your eyes swept over his face. "Listen to me, don't play hero, Joel, y'all are just scoutin' the area, all right? You get the fuck outta there if something's up, don't try t'fight."

"I know, honey."

"And bring my Dina home in one piece, please. Preferably, fully thawed and unscathed."

Joel smirked, "Always do. You stay safe, too, baby. Hey - keep an eye on my wife, kid," he directed at Jesse.

"She's the one with a quick drawl, usually saves my ass," he mused.

"Then don't need saving," Joel warned in a growl.

"Yes, sir."

"Okay, that's enough," with a chuckle, you patted Joel's waist and released him. In an effort to help you all identify one another when out there, you informed, "Dina, you're on Butterscotch, Joel, I got you on Cooper. Jesse, you're gonna be on Dewey, I'll put Ellie on Bean, and I'm taking Luxor."

Dina smiled as she approached her horse, "Thanks, Y/N. We'll be back soon."

"Yeah, I'll grab Ellie and meet you at the gate," Jesse agreed.

"Oh, uh, Maria wants a word before we go - so, can you make sure Ellie sees her?"

"Yes, ma'am. Where at?"

"Uh, probably the cantina - Tommy's gonna address the people, she'll be there with Benji."

"Right. On it," he offered you his fist to bump before heading out of the stable to do whatever he needed prior to patrol.

"Hey," Joel muttered, earning your attention, "you look worried. You good, baby?"

"Yeah, just... Something in the air, I guess." You glanced at Dina a few stalls up, lowering your voice, "It's remindin' me of KC, you know? Them fuckers lying in wait underground?"

"I know, baby, me too."

"And after Ellie's report, sounds like they're evolvin'. Joel, just... Be careful out there, all right? Don't take any chances, please, and just - look, I know you're not one to run from danger, but things are different now. You don't always gotta be so brave and tough, sometimes it's for the greater good to just run."

"I'll keep Dina safe, we won't take no risks, sweetheart. Promise."

"Good," you sighed. "C'mere, besos, please."

"Lessons with Tommy payin' off, I see," he grinned with pride. "Love hearin' you talk like that, baby, does somethin' t'me."

"I know, that's why I'm learnin'," you whispered, lifting to your toes in order to press a kiss to his lips. "Love you, handsome."

"Hm," he kept you close, stealing another kiss, "love you more, sweetheart. You be careful, too. We got dinner plans."

"Exactly. Now, go on, get gone, the sooner y'all head out, sooner you'll be back, right?"

"In theory."

"Make it in practice," you snipped, smirking into one final kiss. Joel sighed and released you, turning to grab Cooper. You left Luxor on cross ties to walk the pair to the front gate; hand laced tightly with Joel's as the three of you made mindless conversation about whatever you planned for dinner. You gave Dina a leg-up into her saddle, bidding, "Stay safe, kid."

"Always am," she smiled.

"Fuckin' liar, just listen to Joel, please, c'mon," you snorted, making her laugh as you turned for your husband.

"I'll see you soon," he assured, pecking your lips before hauling himself to Cooper's saddle. You frowned and kept pace with his side, calling for the gates to open. "Love you, baby," Joel hushed as he nudged his horse forward.

"Love you," you called, keeping the nerves out of your tone; watching them through the gate as the air turned poignant. You couldn't pin point it, but something felt... Strange. Off. Odd. Unsure and disproportionate. You heard the gate guards announce their departure, watching them for only a few moments before gesturing for the door to close up.

You missed the way Joel turned in the saddle to catch the last fleeting glimpse of you before the wood cut off all sight. Dina smirked, "Dude, you're whipped."

"Got a lady like mine, you would be, too. Now, c'mon."

Ellie pinned you with an unamused glare as she and Jesse approached about an hour later, taking hold of Bean's reins while snipping, "Really? You tell Seth to fucking apologize?"

"What's that?" You blinked.

"You said Maria wanted to talk to me - it was so Seth could apologize or whatever."

"Oh. Hm..."

"You didn't know?"

"Nah, kid, Maria just told me she wanted a word before we left," you informed, letting Jesse take the reins of his horse, Dewey. "I've learned my lesson 'bout askin' stupid questions. Usually, questionin' Maria is stupid."

"Right," she sighed, watching you from her own saddle as you mounted Luxor. The three of you moved together out of Jackson's gates, hearing the guards announce the departure, and venturing into the vast, open nothingness. Ellie eyed the grey skies wearily, asking you, "Are we worrying about that?"

"Nah, should just be up in the mountains," Jesse answered for the both of you - but for an unshakeable reason, you couldn't agree.

"Fucking hope so," Ellie mused. "Ten seconds in, I already can't feel my ass."

"You get some breakfast, babe?" You asked, eyeing Ellie.

"Huh? Oh, uh, no, but I'm all right."

"Fuck that," you sighed, reaching for the saddle bag. "Here, I got, uh... It ain't much, but eggs are good protein."

"Oh..." Ellie accepted the two hard boiled eggs you produced; unwrapping the cling wrap to hand back. Supplies were few and far between, everyone saving whatever material they could for repeat use after cleaning it. "Thanks, Y/N." You nodded, nudging Luxor into a trot. "Hey, uh... You let Joel and Dina go alone?"

"'Let'?" You snorted, "C'mon, honey, you know either of them to do anything I say?"

"Joel, yes... Dina... Not so much."

You and Jesse chuckled, turning off towards Cottonwood as a harsh, bitter wind swept over the three of you. It felt like the hand of Death; doing what you could to ignore your anxiety.

Amy's radio transmission barely reached you as the blizzard had rolled over the town you trotted through. She called for all patrols to return to Jackson, but the wind, snow, and frigid temperatures prevented your escape; already a couple hours from home base. Naturally, you were the decision maker and informed Amy you'd shelter in place until the worst of the storm had passed, leading Jesse and Ellie towards one of the cleared-out garages you knew of in the ghost town.

The horses were left with a supply of hay, knowing they needed rest and fed before attempting to brave the weather back to Jackson. You were familiar with this particular area after clearing and securing it just that past fall with Jesse, the two youngsters following you at a jog for the usual convenience store patrol members had commandeered. You yanked the door open, met with the sweeping smell of stale weed and seeping snow; panting as you slammed the door and dropped your pack almost instantly.

"You good? You all right?" You checked the kids, watching Jesse nod as Ellie was stalking around the rows of growing marijuana plants.

"Am I fucking hallucinating?" She asked gleefully.

"Maybe. Do you see a 7-Eleven full of weed?" Jesse mused, trailing after you towards the radio.

"Yep."

"Then no," he sighed, kneeling before the wood stove. "Hey, Y/N?"

"Yeah, honey?" You asked, turning the radio dial with a single headphone pressed to your ear.

"Whatchu want me to do 'bout this?"

Glancing over, you tried to wrack your memory, "Nothin' viable in there?"

"Some but not much."

"Try to light what you can," you nodded. "There's spare wood in the back. With luck, it's still dry."

"All right, yeah," he panted, the cold blistering as it seeped into all bones and cracked drying skin.

"How'd you know about this place?" Ellie wondered, still admiring the stoner's paradise.

"Eugene," Jesse answered with an undertone of remorse. Ellie's face fell, recognizing the name from the many times Dina had mentioned the old man. "He was my first patrol partner. One day, he showed it to me, said he found it a year earlier when he was on a solo patrol. Swore me to secrecy. Said Maria wouldn't be supportive of his, uh, farming."

"What about you, Y/N?"

You just shrugged, "I know everything, kid. Was a young thing in the '90s, I know what's up."

Jesse snickered as Ellie went quiet; making the lad look up in curiosity only to spy her at a spare table, examining an old medallion similar to a dogtag. He asked, "You okay?"

She paused, then breathing, "Yeah."

"Y/N, you got a lighter?"

"Uh, should be one or eight around here, kid," you answered, still receiving only static over the radio.

"Right," he sniffled, rummaging around to locate one with enough lighter fluid.

He got the fire going at last as Ellie questioned, "Eugene was a Firefly?"

"Yup. Just early on, though."

"Served with Tommy," you piped up, sparing a small glance and a smirk over your shoulder before refocusing.

"He quit back in 2010," Jesse continued.

"How come?"

"He said he was tired of killing people. I think he was in Vietnam."

"Oh."

Jesse grabbed a spare blanket, handing it to Ellie and nodding at you while taking a seat before the stove. She stood from where she'd sat on the side of a cot, unwrapping the wool to drape around your shoulders for you. "Thanks, baby girl," you muttered, barely aware of the added warmth.

"Come sit by the fire," she mumbled, squeezing your shoulders before returning to her seat.

It was quiet, the two sat in contemplation. Jesse spoke with bitterness over the haunting memory, "That was a raw deal. Joel having to put Eugene down..."

"Hey," you snapped, looking at him with a fierce side-eye. "Know y'all were friends, but Joel ain't do nothin' but deliver mercy. Eugene had a fuckin' stroke, wasn't easy for anyone involved."

Jesse nodded in agreement, "Just a fuckin' shame. Guy makes it through a war, end up goin' out like that." He sighed, "What are you gonna do? Like Y/N said, couldn't be saved."

"Yeah," Ellie breathed. "Hey, Y/N? ... Y/N? ... Y/N!"

"I got it, I got it!" You cried, radio clearing for a moment. You grabbed the CB, "Joel? Joel? Come in, Joel!" You waited a moment, sliding the headphones over your ears, readjusting on your knees and trying to dial the signal into anything stronger. "Joel, come in! C'mon, baby, answer the fucking radio!" But you only earned more static. "God fuckin' damnit! Told him to check in with me on channel 7 - right, Jesse?"

"Yeah, right, every 20 minutes, ma'am," he shared a nervous look with Ellie. "Look, I'm sure they're doin' the same - sheltering in place - "

"Joel!" You tried again, growling in frustration, "This fucking storm, man, I can't get through - it's all fucking static. Joel! C'mon, come in! Joel, Dina? Hey! Someone fucking answer me! Please!" But there was no answer. "Fuck!" Your fist banged on the bulky machine.

"Try Jackson, we might be in range," advised Ellie, the cold seeping into her lungs to make her voice quake.

You sighed, changing the channel and trying again, "Jackson, come in, Jackson. This is Cottonwood, come in... Tommy? Hey, come in, Jackson! This is Cottonwood... Amy! Amy, can you hear me? Over."

"Think we're gonna be here a while," Ellie mused to Jesse.

"Yeah. Hey, Y/N. C'mon, come get warm - leave the channel open, they'll radio in when they can."

But you were switching back to channel 7, "Joel? Hey, come in Copper Mine, this is Cottonwood. Someone fucking answer me! Joel! Dina! Come in! C'mon, I need to know y'all are okay! Come in, Copper Mine! This is Cottonwood..." But the static mocked you. "Joel, it's Y/N, please, fucking answer! Come in! Joel, please! Over..." You switched back to Jackson's channel, "Jackson, this is Cottonwood. Please, someone, come in! I-I can't get ahold of Copper Mine, please, come in... Amy, Tommy, I can't get ahold of Joel, come in! This is Cottonwood, we're sheltering in place - please, answer! Over..." This continued for another hour before you were gritting your teeth and leaving the channel open, still dialing, calling over the waves every so often - hoping someone, even another patrol group, would check in. But the wind and snow fucked everyone's radio transmission.

Ellie leaned over to Jesse, muttering, "Should we pack her a bowl? Sounds like she needs it."

Jesse snickered and nudged her shoulder, Ellie grinning as she stood to begin snooping; leaving the lad to stretch out on the cot. He watched you for a little bit before slowly shutting his eyes as the wood stove soon warmed them.

"Jesse," a muffled voice leered.

"What?"

"Check it," Ellie encouraged. When you looked up from your place by the stove, finally taking refuge by the heat, you discovered Ellie wearing a refurbished gas mask with a bong attached to the mouth piece.

You couldn't help the bark of laughter, shaking your head as Jesse scoffed and looked away from the sight.

Ellie giggled, yanking the mask off, "Did he make this?"

"Yeah."

"I'm taking this with me."

"Uh, no, ma'am, you're not," your smile dropped.

"Oh, c'mon," Ellie whined.

"Listen to your mom, kid," Jesse leered in a bored tone. "You're not taking that."

Instead of correcting him that you weren't her mother (by birth), she just sighed, "Yes, I am. And as much weed as I can shove into my pack."

"Ellie," you scolded.

"You said yourself, you did this shit in the '90s."

Your eyes rolled, "It was a different time."

"I'm still taking it, if the apocalypse isn't the time to get high, I don't know when is."

"Nope," Jesse now chimed, "leave it, Ellie."

"Dude, you're gonna be in charge of Jackson one day, we all know - but that day has not yet come."

"Y/N has superiority, she said - "

But Jesse cut himself off when the radio finally fucking came to life, the static clear - but Amy's voice cutting in and out as she tried to reach your party. He watched as you scrambled to your feet, leaving the wool blanket in place on the floor, and rushed to drop before the machine; knees nearly cracking from the impact.

"Repeat, Jackson?" You called over the CB; trying to carefully enhance the signal.

"Copper Mine, do you copy?"

"Hey! Hey! This is Y/N, you're barely there... Amy? Do you copy? This is Cottonwood. Over."

You waited only a moment, finding a sweet spot to hear the distorted reply, "Y/N, have - Joel or Dina?"

"Repeat? Jackson, come in, you're breaking up! Repeat last message!" You turned the dial with tears slowly gathering out of pure nerves and anxiety.

"Have - heard - Joel or Dina?"

You pieced the message together, nervously replying as Ellie slowly approached your shoulder, "No, why?"

"They haven't checked in," Amy answered. "Are - you - Copper Mine?"

"Fuck," Ellie hissed over your shoulder.

"Amy, repeat?" You pleaded. "Amy!" But the static was back. "Amy, come back!" You released the transmission to growl, "Fucking fuck, fuck, fuck!" Trying again, you begged, "Amy!"

But there was no answer, making you climb to your feet. "Woah, hey, Y/N! Y/N, wait!" Jesse yelped as you snatched your pack from the ground and rushed around the hideout. Ellie was on your tail.

"We're not far from Copper Mine, let's fucking go! We can't leave them out there like this! C'mon!" You barked, hearing him sigh and follow swiftly without protest. Ellie and Jesse followed you out the door, sprinting towards the garage and yanking the nearly iced-closed door up.

"Y/N, hang on a second - "

You snarled, "Fuck that! My husband's out there, Jesse, I'm goin' after them! We don't know how far they got, but they're not back home and they're not radioing in!"

"I know," he agreed as you and Ellie reached for your horses. "Look, the route's an oval around the mine. We gotta split up and come at it from both sides. Northwest and northeast. You two go together, we meet up in the middle."

"We'll take northeast," Ellie agreed, trio leading the horses towards the open door. "How much time do you think we have?"

"Go, c'mon," you directed them, Luxor trained enough to stand as you gave Ellie a leg-up. Jesse was mounting on his own as you answered her question, "If the wind holds steady, maybe 20 minutes."

"You gotta get to the mine by then," Jesse picked up, his authority ringing clear, "Ellie, Y/N, whether you find them or not."

"Yeah, you fucking too, Jesse," Ellie snarled, spurring her horse into the blizzard.

"Go! And be careful!" You demanded, smacking Dewey on the flank to send him and Jesse into the storm. You paused only to pull the garage door back down, Luxor already walking forward; making you jog to keep pace and hop to catch the stirrup. He was breaking into a canter by the time you were seated, spurring the ebony mount after Ellie and Bean as Jesse was cutting to the side.

"Y/N!" Ellie hollered over the wind.

"I'm right here, baby!" You cried, eyes squinted in the stinging, whipping, frigid air. "Don't stop, don't stop, I'm here, just go! C'mon! Stay with me, Ellie! C'mon, cut this way!" You directed Luxor, hearing Bean change direction after you. "We don't stop!" After several minutes, you checked, "Baby girl? You still with me?"

"I'm here!" She called from behind you.

"Keep going!"

"Y/N! The fucking snow - it's too thick! I can't see shit!"

"Don't fucking stop, we'll make it! Just stay with me, baby, c'mon, let's go! We're all right, we gotta make it!" By a stroke of pure luck, you heard a chatter over your radio. "HOLD!" You cried to Ellie, Luxor whinnying in protest as you skidded to a slippery halt; wrangling your hand radio from your belt. In time, you heard Joel, "Y/N? Y/N, come in! C'mon, baby, fucking answer me!"

"Joel!?"

"Y/N!"

"Joel, Joel, I-I copy! I copy!"

"Good t'hear your voice, baby."

"Where the fuck are you!?" You cried, Ellie looking relieved for a split moment before light static was heard instead of his deep, Southern accent. Yet... Something told you this wasn't just silence, but something else. Something worrisome. "Joel? Joel! No, no, no, come back! Joel! Answer me! JOEL!"

"The storm!" Ellie reminded.

"It's not the fucking storm," you panted, confusion marring your usually pleasant expression. You tried again, "Joel, come in! Do you copy!? Joel, please! Baby, fucking ANSWER me!"

Unknown to you, Joel heard your desperate pleas but couldn't answer as Abby and her mini militia had taken a frostbitten Dina hostage; gun to her temple, semi-automatic pointed at him in threat.

"Joel, where are you? Where are you, Joel, fucking come in!" You begged, shaking your head at Ellie as the silence was deafening; own automatic rifle suddenly burning into where it was latched to your saddle, pressing to your thigh. "Fuck! We keep moving - "

"Where?"

"North, c'mon, there's better signal outta the fucking trees. Let's go, baby, keep up!"

"Go! I'm right behind you!"

As a last ditch effort, you held the reins in one hand as the other radioed, "Joel, where the fuck are you!? Please!" You prayed the further north you got, the better signal. "Come in! Baby, please, please, we're fucking worried! Come in, please! JOEL! For fuck's sake!" No response, but you found something in the snow... Tracks. "Ellie! Ellie, follow the tracks - don't lose 'em! They're still fresh!"

You galloped forward, still trying in vain to reach Joel; who was wailing in pain as Abby bludgeoned his blown-out knee to the sounds of your frantic cries of his name. It was almost as if you could sense what was happening, wanting to be there with him in his end Abby promised to bring.

"Y/N, LOOK!" Ellie called, pulling her horse to a rearing-halt, eyes in the distance from mid-hill you climbed. "FUCKING STOP AND LOOK!"

"Ellie, we don't got time! The snow's gonna cover - "

"LOOK!"

You yanked Luxor to another halt, whipping him around towards Ellie - but seeing where she pointed. Through the valley, you could make out the sight of Jackson from miles away, mouth agape to gasp, "Oh, my fucking God."

"What the hell is that?"

You blinked back tears, "J-Jackson. Fuck, the Infected, they must've found 'em."

"Wh-What do we do? What the hell do we do, Y/N?" You had to think fast, fear seizing hold of your heart. "Do we go back? Or move on?"

You sniffled, "Tommy's got Jackson - that's the fire, see? We... We move on! We find Joel and Dina, these have gotta be their tracks, baby, we're so close now. We can't stop."

"Y/N..."

"You go back if you want! Back to the fucking 7-Eleven, but I'm not leaving without Joel! Are you with me?"

"What if they're not alone?"

"Then I fucking pray for those stupid fucking souls," you snarled, both hoods drawn in the thick, blinding flurries. "Now are you with me, baby girl?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fucking with you. Let's go."

You spurred Luxor around and followed the fading-fast tracks left in the blanket of crunchy snow. After several yards, you called, "C'mon, keep pace with me, Ellie - don't tire them out too bad, we gotta make the trip home!"

"I'm right here!"

Up the hill, you let Luxor and Bean canter at their set, desired pace; taking your own advice not to tire them too greatly. As you got up to a semi-even outcrop, you saw something over the treetops. "Ellie? Ellie, you see that?"

"What the fuck? What's up here?"

"Lodges? Ski resorts?" You guessed, encouraging Luxor faster.

"Y/N, there! There, look!" Ellie gasped, horses snorting with exertion when you halted once more. "Is that...?"

"Cooper and Butterscotch," you breathed. "Joel and Dina must've taken shelter - c'mon!"

"Why're they here? Copper Mine's back down - "

"I don't fucking care why, Ellie, they're here!" Realizing your tone and how it made the nervous girl frown, you apologized, "I-I'm sorry, baby girl, I'm just - I don't know what's going on. Okay? Something ain't right. Now, c'mon, please, Ellie, c'mon." You eyed the building, an old ski lodge some richie-rich must've owned before the Outbreak. "Hey, hey," you hushed, coming to another halt behind the tethered horses, hand held up with warning, "you see anythin'? Any movement?"

"No?"

"The windows, Ellie. C'mon, honey, use them young eyes for me."

She squinted in the sideways snow, but the reflective windows didn't show anything inside, no movement; making her head shake. "N-Nothing, I don't see anything."

"That's not exactly a good thing," you noted. "Dismount, we go on foot."

"What's the plan, Y/N?"

Your boots crunched into the snow, quickly binding Luxor's reins to the broken-down privacy fence surrounding the lodge's perimeter. Your breath came out in a puff of air, telling her as she followed your actions, "We go in smart. Check the first floor, we move up," you unlatched your rifle from the saddle. "We don't know what the fuck's inside. Don't shoot any movement on sight, we don't know where Joel and Dina are."

"Should you try the radio again?"

You gazed up at the windows, something sickly bubbling in your gut, "No... No, we go in - what if... What if?"

"There's Infected? Joel's got it - "

"C'mon," you worried, nodding at her after you, "I'm not willing to fucking wait."

"Right," she hurried after you.

"Quiet, quiet, quiet, shhh-hh-hhhh" you hushed, racking your rifle in favor of your handgun; reaching for the still in-tact door. It opened easily as if recently accessed, Ellie stepping silently inside after you and catching the door before it slammed shut. You nodded in praise, side-stepping over yourself as the ground floor appeared as just abandoned construction.

Ellie grabbed your sleeve, your worried eyes turning to her, but she silently pointed up towards the ceiling. You tuned in, hearing muffled thumping and feeling all air deflate from your pinched lungs. Worried that it wasn't the usual erratic sound of a feasting Infected, thinking it sounded too timed and planned, you looked back to Ellie - intent to whisper a plan - but she was surging ahead of you.

"Ellie! Stay together! Ellie! Don't!" You hissed, huffing as she disappeared around a corner as the sounds of distant screaming seeped from the floor above you. "Fuck's sake. I'm gettin' too old for this fuckin' shit." You peaked around the immediate corners, not finding any signs of life - but flinching when a gunshot echoed in the space around you. Taking cover, you realized the sounds were coming from up the stairs, gasping in worry for your adopted daughter, "Ellie!" To yourself, you hissed, "Fuckin' told you to stay together, fuck!"

The sounds of a squabble grew louder, Ellie's snarls ringing clear as you swiped the safety off. You followed her wet footprints, discovering an open door leading into the lodge's expansive living room - or perhaps, just one of them. You ducked when movement rushed in a flurry, catching sight of Ellie being wrangled to the ground; a stranger kneeling on her back. However, the worst sight was just beyond; before the vast windows showcasing Jackson's demise, one of the unknown forms moved aside to reveal your husband limp on the ground... Bloodied face seemingly staring out at you. His finger twitched, breathing staggered - and when his lips tugged, knew he saw you. Knew you'd always come for him. Even in a fucking blizzard, even when so worryingly outnumbered... But Joel wouldn't bet against you, no matter the circumstance.

He was overturned on his chest, blood pooling under him, immobile from his shattered leg, and there were at least four - no, no, five, you counted five - bodies inside. You barely remembered protocol, feeling something white-hot and feral burst in your chest upon hearing Ellie struggling and crying. Eyes cast back over Joel and you lifted your gun...

"JOEL!" Ellie screamed from the floor, whose fingers twitched with minimal recognition. "Joel! Joel! Joel, get up! Joel, FUCKING GET UP!"

However, one man roared at her, "Stupid fucking bitch!"

"No! No!" Two men struggled inside, distracting the others.

"Fuck you!" The man with a thin upper lip mustache shoved his companion aside. "The bitch fucking cut me!" You smirked in fleeting pride, amusement dropping when he stomped up to Ellie and swiftly kicked her in the ribs; causing her to choke on the air stolen from her lungs. You flinched at the sound of her cracking rib; Joel's eyes locked on you. The stranger lifted his foot again as if to stomp on her, but his friend - with sandy locks - intercepted him and shoved him back several feet. "I'll fucking kill her!"

"She ain't who we want!"

They all - minus Joel - missed the way you silently stepped in. A hunter, a solider, a mother and wife dead set on protecting her loved ones. You aimed at the most obvious threat after a handgun flashed in one of the men's hands as if to aim at Ellie.

You were well-aware of the dire situation but took a steadying breath and squeezed the trigger, bullet piercing directly through the back of the dark sandy-blonde head; sending a splatter of blood over the ebony haired man's face. "One," you counted.

There was no time as the man looked up at your voice; barrel aimed at him, trigger sounding in a boom. "Two," you counted.

From the shock of your appearance, Ellie managed to wriggle away from woman pinning her to the ground as your sight turned to the other two women across the room. When one lifted from her seat near the fireplace, eyes wide and a plead on her lips, your gun popped off another bullet despite her hands held in defense; catching her in the chest, sending the young girl to her back, choking on her own blood. "Three," you counted.

"MOM!" Ellie screamed, her having been disarmed as the girl with a bald head proved equal strength. Plus, with her ribs, Ellie wasn't much of a fight anyways.

You didn't need to think, gun turning towards her. "Get the fuck off my daughter, bitch," you snarled, the girl with a septum ring's eyes widening at the sight of your angry threat. Another bullet fired, piercing directly between her eyes. "Four," you counted, turning to the last assailant. She was on her feet, handgun pointed at you; but her hands trembled as Ellie scrambled for her gun then found her feet. You sidestepped in front of her, "No, no, all eyes on me. Joel? Joel? Hey, you alive? C'mon! Fuckin' show us you're alive! JOEL! If you're dead, I swear to God - "

He whimpered; relief flooding your system.

"Who the fuck are you?" The girl in a long-sleeve, grey Henley demanded; trying to step around Joel's legs to get a clear shot of Ellie - but you moved with her.

"Aht, aht! Stay right there, don't move." She narrowed her eyes as you asked, "Ellie? With me, baby girl?"

"I'm - I'm here," she wheezed, laying a single hand to your waist.

"You hurt?"

"Yeah," she whispered.

"Hm," you growled, fingering the trigger.

"I asked, who the fuck are you!?" Abby roared, her desperation making her raw and unpredictable. You didn't want to rock this boat too much, not when the threat to your family was alive and real.

"Lookit, darlin', I don't think you're in the position to ask any questions," you warned. "Now... Step away from him. Nice and slow, please. I'm askin' you nicely - "

"No!" She snarled, gun turning to the back of Joel's head; heart leaping to your throat. "You take one step, either of you make a fucking move, and I'll blow his fucking brains out."

"And I'll blow yours," you warned evenly.

"Doesn't matter," she seethed, "'cause I would've done what I came here to do."

"Oh, yeah? What's that? Kill an old man?"

She chuckled ruefully, "Exactly that."

"You wanna tell me why? C'mon, now. I don't wanna have to shoot you, kid, got a real long life ahead of you." When her hands shook with more definition, you snapped, "Hey! Hey! Eyes on me! Back the fuck away from him right now and maybe I'll let you live."

The room's occupants knew it was a boldfaced lie.

Abby panted, quickly glancing around the dead bodies that fell by your hand; giving you a single moment to note the shattered golf club left to the side of Joel, then to the state of him. It didn't take a rocket scientist to piece together what she'd done. "Y-You killed them," she whispered, glare turned back to you; tears in her eyes, upper lip snarled. "You killed them! Mel wasn't armed and you fucking shot her, you bitch!"

"Bet your ass, I did. Didn't even hesitate, now, did I? Y'all were hurtin' my husband."

"'Husband'?" She repeated, scoffing. "Of fucking course. You're who was on the radio, weren't you?"

"That's right. Now... I'll tell you only one more time. Back. The fuck. Away from him. Now, please, I ain't known for my patience!"

"Just fucking shoot her, Y/N!"

"No, Ellie," you growled, aim narrowing. She sobbed behind you, protected by your body; only able to look between the stranger and her adopted father.

"She did that to Joel! FUCKING LOOK AT HIM!"

"I know, I got eyes t'see, honey, but she's just a kid - like you, Ellie," you didn't shift your gaze from the bitch with a braid; knowing no matter what, she was going to die today. By your hand or Ellie's, you didn't know - nor care. You continued, "Tell me why, darlin'. Why're you doin' this? Huh? The fuck could he've done? Hey? C'mon, now! Answer me!"

"It doesn't fucking matter why, Y/N!"

But you were trying to play for time, well aware of the gun pointed at Joel that would only take a fraction of a second to fire, not a whole lot of pressure needed to trigger the bullet. There was a good chance that if you opened fire, she could easily take Joel out; the exact opposite of what you were trying to accomplish. You needed a fleeting opening, anything; just a single moment - a nanosecond - to make your move without jeopardizing Joel's life. Or Ellie's. Or yours, for that matter.

"It matters, Ellie!" You barked. "She's got a reason, I wanna hear it. C'mon, darlin', tell me why! Why're you doin' this?"

"He's a fucking monster," she trembled.

"All right, good, that's a start. What'd he do? Huh?"

"Does it matter?! You're both coldblooded murderers, you don't need any reason!"

"You got a point, yeah. But you obviously got your own. Tell me what that is."

Abby took an unsteady breath in, shaking her head as tears leaked in pathetic trails down her ruddy cheeks. "He killed him..."

"Who?"

"My father - he killed my father and 18 soldiers!"

You breathed, "Oh, yeah? When?"

"Five years ago," she grit her teeth. "In Salt Lake!"

"The hospital?"

She seethed, "He was an unarmed doctor! Shot dead like a fucking animal!"

Her gun straightened at Joel, making you chant, "Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah, I remember that, I remember. But you're negating from the fact that they had our daughter." Abby's eyes shifted over to Ellie behind your shoulder. "Hey, eyes on me! Look, I fucking promise you, kid, it wasn't in cold blood - we had real good reason. You with them? You a Firefly?"

"They're all gone, you dumb bitch! Didn't you hear?"

"You all that's left?"

"No," she seethed, "there's more of us... Many more in Seattle, but your little family won't get a chance to see them."

"Sound real certain of that."

Joel groaned from the bloody floor as if trying to call for you. Abby snarled, "I'm the one with a gun to your husband, remember? You fucking blind!?"

"Oh, I'm aware, darlin'. But I don't think you're gonna kill him."

"Why the fuck not? You just killed my friends!"

"'Cause he ain't who you want."

"Oh, yeah?" She scoffed.

"We left them nurses alive, I bet they're who told you 'bout us. Right? Am I right?" Abby's jaw steeled, only inclining her head in confirmation. "Yeah, that's right. You came all the way here from Seattle on a mission to kill him. But here's the thing, darlin', Joel ain't kill your daddy."

"I know he did!"

"He didn't pull the trigger! Your witnesses got it wrong, but that's okay - happens during fits of panic. They don't see the whole picture."

"He shot my father in the head! Like he was nothing! Stepped over him like he wasn't even there and walked out the fucking door! Why shouldn't I do the same!?"

"No, darlin'," you smirked, seeing the rage building in her eyes. Good. It's what you wanted - needed. "No, see, Joel didn't fire the kill shot. I did."

"You?"

"Me," you agreed, chuckling - hoping to blind her with anger from your amusement. "Yeah, I shot your daddy - and just like your li'l friends, I ain't hesitate then, neither. What? You look shocked... You surprised I had the gull to do it? I'll tell you somethin' else, darlin', I didn't even look at him - " Abby cracked with a sob and it was the opening you needed. "C'mon, darlin', take your best shot. Or would you prefer I just shoot you now? Can reunite you with dearest daddy real easy."

The girl laughed, arm shifting a fraction as if debating turning her gun on you, "Like you could make the fucking shot, you old hag - "

Your gun recoiled slightly from being fired, striking Abby in the head; and you counted, "Five." Quickly, you shoved the weapon into the holster on your hip, sprinting across the room to where Joel was somehow still breathing. "Hey, hey, hey, baby, hey," you slid on your knees, Ellie charging in a limp after you, "you still with us? Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. C'mon, Joel! Gotta hang on for me, all right? I-I know you endured so much, baby, but hang on a little longer. Please!"

He made a strangled noise in the back of his throat, making you heave a whimper. "Joel? Joel," Ellie sniffled from her knees at your side, "hey, y-you gotta get up. C'mon, get up - "

"No, no, not yet," you prevented, nodding to the shattered golf club. "Took a fuckin' beatin', Ellie, probably has internal bleedin'. We move him, might make it worse."

"Well, what the fuck do we do, Y/N!?"

"We do nothing - you probably got broken ribs, baby. Fuck," you breathed, looking around the room - something catching your attention. "All right, all right - shit, hang on, stay with him."

"Y/N?" Ellie worried as you found your feet; but her eyes drifted to the movement on the floor. The unarmed girl, Mel, was trying to army crawl through her own blood, sobbing when you stood over her.

"Hey!" You barked, flipping her onto her back, demanding, "Y'all brought med supplies? Right? RIGHT!?"

"Fuck you," she spat.

"You tell me true, doll, I'll help yah."

"Y-You - bitch."

"All right, I'll find it myself," you scoffed, gun back in hand, aiming at her forehead, and firing once. "What were you? Four? No, no, three."

"Y/N!" Ellie sobbed, "He's got a fever!"

"Hang on, Ellie, I got it," you rushed, kneeling at one of the packs - noting the embroidered wolf. There was no questioning it, overturning the pack and rummaging through the contents. Not finding what you needed, you did the same to a second pack; then a third, gasping when it was full of medical supplies. You shifted through it before noting another body in the room right next door. "Shit - Ellie!?"

"What?" She sobbed over Joel.

"Got another body!" It was quiet as you stood with your gun in hand again, aimed at the body before dropping it. "Oh, fuck! It's Dina!"

"WHAT?"

You knelt at her side, checking her pulse and sighing with relief. "S-She's alive! Just knocked out. I got her!" Holstering your gun once more, you grunted and took hold of her wrists to tug the girl into the main room. "All right, honey, just - fuck, stay there, be back for yah." You returned to the medical supplies, tears leaking without consent. "Ellie, here - catch!" Using the hardwood floor to your advantage, you slid supplies her way; not bothering to check if she caught them all or not.

"What do I do?" Ellie whimpered.

"Get over here and check Dina, I got Joel," you scampered across the floor; pair of you switching places. "Hey, hey, do me a favor - get on the radio, get ahold of fucking anyone. You hear me? Use channel 7 to try to get Jesse..." You prayed the lad was smart enough to tune in on the private channel you and Joel used after separating. "All right, all right," you sniffled, caressing your husband's bloody cheek, "baby, hey, hey, can you hear me? Just - Just squeeze my hand, honey, c'mon." When his broken hand squeezed yours, making you sigh, "All right, good, hey, you're - you're gonna be all right. I gotcha, baby, just, um, just hang on for me. Okay? Can you do that?" He squeezed again. "Good boy."

Perhaps his lips twitched in amusement, perhaps not. You didn't notice either way, sorting the supplies - discovering a half-used vial of milky white substance.

"Fucking Propofol? The fuck they doin' with this?" You muttered to yourself, finding a clean needle and drawing it into the syringe.

"What're you doing?" Ellie sobbed, "Y/N? What is that?"

"Tryna save him, Ellie! Radio in! C'mon, baby, I know you're scared - I know that was fucking scary. But I need you to be brave for me right now, Ellie, please. Okay? I need fucking help! Get on the airwaves, all right? Radio anybody!"

"Right, okay, yeah," she sniffled, doing as you told from Dina's side. "Jackson? Jackson, come in!" But there was no answer. So, she switched channels, "Jesse!? Jesse, please, it's Ellie - "

"Ellie? Ellie!"

"Jesse!"

"Where are you!?"

"A-At a lodge! Some lodge, halfway up the mountain! We found Joel and Dina, but w-w-we need help! Like, fucking now!"

"I'm five out!"

You whispered, "I'm so sorry, Joel, I gotta turn you over, okay? I gotta see..." Biting your tongue, you braced Joel and turned him over, whimpering when he hollered in unfiltered pain. "Oh, I know, I know, I know, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry, I know, baby, I know, but I gotta see." You quickly shed your outer coat and bundled it under his head, "You're gonna be okay, hear me? You just gotta hang on f'me, I'm gonna fix this. I'm so sorry, I know," you repeated as you were forced to shred his shirt and reveal the blackening marks on his torso; some turning sickly blue, indicating the internal damage. "Fuck! Okay, okay, all right... I-I can fix this, fuck me, how do I fix this?"

"Y-Y-Y/N..."

"I know, Joel, okay? I know - "

"Go," he croaked, "gotta leave me."

"Fat fucking chance," you snarled.

"'M not makin' it," he whispered, "but you still can."

"I'm not leaving you! You're gonna be okay, I'm gonna fix this!"

"Go, baby," he wheezed, delirium setting in, "take... Take care... Of-of our girl..."

"Fuck that, we're both gonna do that. You understand? Joel, you stay alive! El-Ellie? Hey, h-how's Dina?"

"Waking up, I think."

"Good - hey, here, here," you snatched up a canister and slid it across the floor. "Wave that under her nose, babe, it's smelling salts. Might help her come-to faster."

"Okay, yeah," Ellie sniffled, doing as you bid.

"All right, hey, I-I can't do shit for Joel here - we gotta get him back to Jackson!"

"How?"

"Shit," you sniffled, shaking your head, "I-I don't know. His leg, okay, I can - I can splint his leg - oh, fuck me."

"What?"

You examined the wound between tattered bits of denim, "Looks like they blew his fucking knee out with a shotgun, Goddamnit." Ellie whimpered as you scanned the room, movement in the snow through the window catching your attention. "Jesse's here - "

"What do we do?"

"We need help," you nodded, "yeah, yeah, so... We're gonna send Jesse back to Jackson for aid."

"What about us?"

"We stay here - keep Joel warm. Remember? After the university?"

"Yeah," sniffled Ellie. "Y-Y/N, I can't lose him."

"Me neither, baby, so we're gonna help him, right?"

"Do you know how?"

"I'm workin' on it," you whispered, looking around the room.

"Y/N!? ELLIE!?"

"UP HERE!" You bellowed through the open door, stumbling to your feet. With a grunt, you smashed a wooden chair to the ground; shattering it to pieces and collecting viable planks of wood. "Okay, okay, okay," you rambled, returning to Joel's side, "hey, Joel, baby, I-I gotta splint your leg. Okay? Oh, this is gonna fucking hurt, I'm so sorry."

"Y/N," he whispered hoarsely, "don't. Just... Go..."

You glared and shook your head, knowing your next move was a risky one. "Fuck that, you and I go out together. All right, I got an idea. Gonna put you to sleep, honey, but it'll be okay. Hear me?" You hovered over his swollen, bleeding face, "You're gonna be okay, I promise, you'll wake up. Just gotta get you outta pain - then we'll get you home. Okay?"

"Baby," he slurred, "please."

"Oh, I know, sweetheart, I know, but just trust me." Joel's hand twitched and you snatched it in yours, lifting to your lips and pressed a series of kisses to it. "Please, Joel, I need you to fucking survive. You don't get to leave me, I-I need you. Hear me? Okay? Just trust me, I'm gonna get you help. Endure and Survive, right? Remember? Endure and Survive, Joel!"

He nodded as best he could, eyes fluttering as Jesse came sprinting into the room. "Holy... Shit..." He paused to take in the sight of fresh carnage. "What the fuck happened?"

Ellie sobbed over Dina, who was finally waking; and you were pressing the needle to Joel's vein and administering the anesthesia. "You're gonna be okay, baby, I promise, I swear, can't leave me - not like this. You're gonna wake up," you whispered to him, watching as his eyes fully shut and he went slack with slumber. "Jesse! Get over here, man, I need help!"

"What the fuck happened?" He repeated, jogging across the floor while dropping his pack - shoes squeaking in halt when he caught sight of Joel's injuries. "Oh, my fucking God - "

"Help me splint his leg, please! Fuckin' please! C'mon, we don't have time!"

"Right, okay."

Together, you and Jesse constructed a splint out of the chair debris and a torn sheet from the other room. You knotted it where you could, watching Joel's face for signs of pain - but he didn't twitch, only breathed shallowly. Your eyes met the lad's and admitted, "I-I don't know what to do next. How do we get him back to Jackson, Jesse, please?"

"We ride like hell," Jesse answered.

"He shouldn't be upright and bouncing around!"

"We got another choice? I can ride back, but time's workin' against him. We could try to build a sled, but - "

"We search the house first and if there's nothing, he rides with me. Luxor and I are fastest."

"There we go," he agreed, already rocketing to his feet.

"Ellie! Watch them!" You commanded as you and Jesse set out to ransack the lodge for anything that you might use to tote Joel. By stroke of fucking luck, in the basement, you found what the previous owner's kids must've used to skate down the icy hillside; figuring it was good enough to use now. After locating Jesse, the pair of you assembled the shed and tug ropes behind Luxor and used found pillows and blankets to line it; then rushing back inside.

"We can both get him down the stairs," Jesse panted.

"We're gonna have to."

"I can help," Ellie stood, Dina leaning against the wall as she regained her strength.

"Fuck it," you breathed, waving her towards Joel, "let's go!"

It wasn't easy; Joel being a grown man of pure muscle and the three of you with only minimal strength. Yet your adrenaline made you feel like Bruce Banner; letting Ellie support his shattered, shot leg out straight as you and Jesse upheld his torso. Down the stairs and out the door, you drug Joel into the sled and immediately covered him with the blankets as Jesse went back for Dina. It wasn't perfect, but it was good enough - forced to leave Joel to help Ellie into Dewey's saddle.

"Wait, wait, wait - "

"Please, Ellie, don't fucking fight me, you're injured, baby, you ride with Jesse. Dina'll be all right, I promise - but we gotta go. Now, okay? Before the blizzard kicks up again."

Ellie nodded through her tears as the other two finally made it back. You explained to Jesse the plan and helped Dina into Butterscotch's saddle, ensuring her balance before telling them to get going. Leaving everything else behind including five corpses, you checked on Joel to make sure he was still breathing; kissing his forehead and muttering promises and apologies as you took your place at Luxor's side.

With a heavy sniffle, you begged the horse, "Don't fail me now, buddy, we gotta save him. C'mon - nice and easy, right? Together... Let's go."

You navigated the mountain on foot, keeping Luxor at an even pace while simultaneously ensuring Joel didn't slide away or topple over. It was frustrating to go so slow, but necessary; and the moment you were on level ground, doubled back to cover Joel's head before hoisting yourself into the saddle and spurred Luxor forward.

Snow was kicked up over Joel, but you had wrapped him tightly for protection; soon passing Jesse, Ellie, and Dina to gallop for the smoking town in the distance.

With shot nerves, you navigated through the makeshift hospital of Jackson; steaming mug of coffee in hand as your feet shuffled down the hall to the last door on the right. A voice called your name, making you pause and look back to spy Jesse approaching you with three wrapped plates stacked on top of one another.

"What's that?"

"Figured y'all hadn't eaten today," he eased.

"Hm."

"You all right?"

"Yeah, just fucking dandy, honey. You?"

Jesse frowned, "How's Joel?"

"Still asleep."

"You know, it's been two weeks..."

"What's your fucking point?"

"That you need a decent night's sleep - Ellie and Dina, too."

"I'll sleep when I'm dead, kid, thanks."

Jesse frowned, "We're just worried about'cha."

"Yeah? Well, I'm worried I killed my fucking husband 'cause he won't wake up. Guess we're all worried, huh?"

"Y/N," he sighed. "You haven't left his room since we got back. You can't just stop taking care of yourself, Joel's gonna need yah to help him - gotta have your strength."

"I'm fine."

"That why you look like fucking shit?"

"Don't push me, kid."

Jesse sighed, "Fine, but you gotta eat."

"I'm good," you held up your mug.

"Can't sustain yourself on fucking coffee. C'mon, I brought you all a plate."

"That's real nice of yah, thank you," you accepted the balanced to-go plates in your one hand; leaning them to your chest to keep hold.

"Just... Take it easy on yourself, okay? There's no way you could've known this would happen - "

"That's the thing, Jesse," you warbled softly, "I knew. He was beat t'hell, I knew the Propofol might've been too much, that he might not wake up... But the worst part? I promised him he would. I fucking lied to my husband and killed him in the same breath - "

"He's still breathing," Jesse snapped.

"Fine, then I put him in a coma. That better?"

Before he could retort, the last door on the right ripped open and Dina came toppling out, shouting your name. When she saw you just feet away, she sobbed, "He's awake!"

Three full plates and a mug of coffee shattered on the ground as you nearly tripped over yourself to race into the room. Inside, there was a single bed with a plethora of different machines all whirling and beeping obnoxiously; but there was Ellie, sat bedside, sobbing into Joel's tubed chest. "Hey, hey, hey, what's - "

"He's awake! Y/N, he's awake!" She wailed, forcing herself to lift up and reveal Joel's alert face.

"Holy shit," you heaved, eyes wide and chest hollow. "J-Joel?"

"Hey, baby," he croaked, wincing at the dryness of his throat.

In earnest shock, not even noticing Dina and Jesse behind you, your breathing turned choppy, "Oh, my God, Joel! Y-You're awake, Jesus fucking Christ!"

"C'mere," he mumbled, lips sticking together as Ellie removed herself as if to make room for you.

"No, no, uh," you sniffled, gesturing at Ellie, "you stay put, baby girl, I-I-I'll be right back."

"Where're you going?"

"To find Tommy," you backed up two steps; chest heavy and ready to cave in.

"I can do that - "

"I got it, kid, y'all keep him company f'me," you assured Dina, tears streaming as you stumbled out of the room.

"Hey!" Jesse followed you into the hall, door slamming shut. "Hey, Y/N! What the fuck was that?" But Jesse slowed when you collapsed into the wall, using it to keep upright as you tried to keep walking forward; slowly tripping over your feet and crashing to still-bruised knees. "Oh, my God, hey, Y/N. Hey, hey, hey, what's goin' on? You okay?" He worried, lowering to the floor. Noting the way your chest heaved up and down and how your breathing was rapidly shrill, he calmed, "You're okay, Y/N, hey, just breathe. You're panicking, you just - just focus on breathing. Hey, you're okay, you're not alone."

"H-He's alive," you managed breathed gasps. "He's alive, he's alive, he's alive. I-I didn't - he woke up, I ain't kill him."

"No, you didn't," Jesse chuckled in disbelief. "You saved his life, Y/N, just breathe. You're okay."

"I-I - "

"No, I know, but you just need to breathe f'me." You nodded and watched him, following his direction as he breathed with you - in and out, in and out, in and out. "All right, good, that's real good - just breathe with me. Good girl, c'mon, in, two, three, four; and out, two, three, four; in, two, three..."

The door opened again, Dina peaking out to discover the sight; catching Jesse's eye. He nodded with meaning, making the girl double back to grab Ellie; leaving you on the floor with the young man instructing your breathing. When the two girls exited, Ellie worriedly rushed for your side, questioning your name as she knelt, "What's happening? What's wrong? Are you okay? Hey! Oh, my God, talk to me, Ma!"

"She's having a panic attack," Jesse relaid, not commenting on her referal to you as something remotely motherly. "She's all right. Good, Y/N, that's real good - just breathe. Hey, look at me, look at me," he waited until your eyes lifted, "you're okay, I swear to you. Joel's alive, he's okay, he's awake - you didn't kill him, didn't put him in a coma. So, c'mon... You head back in, okay? Go see your husband, I'll get Tommy."

You sniffled and nodded, Ellie remaining in place as Jesse slowly got to his feet. "We got her," Dina assured, finally making him turn to head off. "Y/N? Hey," she squatted before you, "Joel's askin' for yah. Wanna head back in?"

"Yeah, yeah," you rambled, "I-I - yeah, ne-need t'see him. Need t'see him alive. J-Just needed - just needed a second. 'M sorry - "

"No, it's okay, you're good," nodded Ellie, "think you can stand?"

"Mhm."

"C'mon, I gotcha," she hushed, taking up your arm to help you clamber up the wall on trembling legs. "You okay?"

"Mhm."

"Right," she sighed. "Hey, c'mon, let's go in, he wants yah... I'm right here with you, I'm right here. We're all okay... You, me, Joel, Dina, we're okay, Ma, we're all okay - all alive."

"Y-You...?" Your eyes widened, holding onto her arms tightly for support. "Did you call me...? An-And back at the lodge, you did then, too, didn't you?"

"Well, yeah," Ellie shrugged as Dina giggled behind her hand, "I mean, is that okay? I don't have to call you - "

"No, no, no. It's so fucking okay, baby girl, good God," you gasped, yanking her into your embrace. In her ear, you sniffled, "I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's just - I didn't know you felt okay with that - "

"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it, or, uh, I-I guess, felt ready to say it."

"Gonna call Joel 'Dad' now or somethin'?"

"Woah, woah, woah," she chuckled, gazing up at you in wonder and gently reaching out to wipe your tear tracks as she's seen your husband do, "one step at a time. All right? Gotta see Joel first, everything else second. C'mon, now you just gotta put one foot in front of the other..." She encouraged you away from the wall, "There you go, you're okay. Now, deep breath... You good?"

"I'm okay."

"Good, all right. I got you, just... Open the door..."

As you reentered the room, Ellie and Dina hung back to allow your reunion to occur in privacy. You didn't notice, preoccupied by the sight before you; Joel awake and seemingly alert, his lips pulled on one side in a smirk. Despite the healing disfigurement, he was still the handsome, rugged, inherently and fiercely protective guy you married all them years ago. You hated the sight, but felt overwhelming relief he was awake, aware, looking at you with love, adoration, impression.

"Hey, there she is," he rumbled in greeting, haggard voice making you snap out of it to snatch up the cup of water on his bedside stand. "Where'd you - "

"No, no, hey, don't," you whimpered, bringing the lip of the cup to him, one hand around the base of his head, "just drink first, Joel, please."

Joel's gaze didn't tear from you as he accepted the water, choking minimally from the action he hadn't done by himself in two+ weeks. You determined what was enough, lowering the cup but keeping your one hand on the back of his head; twisting to set the cup aside before quietly turning back to him. "C'mere, baby," he whispered, casted hand twitching to pat his fingers beside him with indication. When your mouth opened to protest, he begged, "Y/N, please." So, you eased down beside him softly, careful not to jostle his injuries - but forced to take in the sight of his slowly-healing face. "Why'd you run? Not happy t'see me?"

Shaking your head, you admitted, "On the contrary, so Goddamn happy and relieved, I panicked for a second."

"Why?"

You sniffled, the tears cold against your dry cheeks, "Thought you weren't gonna... I mean, you were... Baby, I did this. I-I'm so sorry - "

"The fuck you mean? You saved me, sugar."

"No, you weren't waking up - I-I put you in a fucking coma - "

"That wasn't you."

"I took a risk with the anesthesia. I knew your injuries might've been too much, that too much damage was done and if I put you t'sleep, and you might not wake up, b-but I just - you were in so much pain and we had to get you back if you - "

"Hey, hey, hey," his fingers hooked around yours in an effort to take your hand. "Baby... You saved me. Ellie and Dina told me all what happened."

"They shouldn't've."

"I asked."

You sighed, shaking your head, "Joel, I..."

"Talk to me, baby, please."

Meeting his eyes again, you whimpered, "I didn't think you were gonna make it. That girl - Abby? Gabby? Whatever, she, uh, she... She used a golf club. You were more than fucked up, I thought you weren't gonna wake up - I mean, by all means, you shouldn't've - "

"But I did," he comforted, "because of you."

You sniffled again, "Don't say it like that, please. I just - I'm so fucking relieved you're awake. I'm sorry, Joel, I should've got there sooner."

"You got there just in time."

"Almost didn't."

"From what I remember, saved Ellie and I - again."

You shrugged, "I wasn't gonna lose you, either of you. You two are everything t'me that I just reacted, I didn't have t'think. I was so worried, but she - she had a gun at you, I had to stall for time."

"You did the right thing, Y/N."

"Then why do I feel so fucking guilty?"

"You shouldn't - you're a Goddamn hero."

"Don't feel like one."

"Maybe you will when I get up and movin'. Get us back to normal, right?"

"Joel, that ain't happenin' for a long time, baby," you informed quietly, glancing at his leg. His gaze followed, sighing deeply at the bulging knee the Jackson doctors managed to save under a warm blanket. "She had a shotgun..."

"I remember."

You winced, "You should get some rest - I'll-I'll grab the doctor - "

"Don't you dare leave me," he snapped, fingers lacing tightly with yours. "Just - c'mere, please, lemme feel you."

"Fuck no," you refused, "you're still healing and there's a limited amount of pain meds. She got you pretty good, Joel, you're real fragile."

"Enough that I can't hold my wife?"

"Enough that you can't hold your wife," you chuckled dryly. "But, um... I can sit here. I can stay - I'll stay. I'm sorry I left, I just couldn't believe after these weeks, you're awake. Made my heart feel... I don't even know - "

He sighed gently, just staring at you. "It's okay, baby, I understand. Know, you were the last thing I saw... But you look like hell right now, darlin', the fuck happened?"

"Haven't slept in weeks."

"You fuckin' eat?"

"When I remembered. Dina brings me most meals."

"Y/N Miller."

"I was just so worried," you whimpered, tears drowning you. "I worried you weren't gonna wake up, that I'd lose you at any moment. I wanted t'be here, just in case... I... Joel, I just..."

"I know, baby. Ellie said you haven't left this whole time. Hey," he breathed, earning your red-rimmed attention. "Need to thank you, sugar. F-For savin' us, savin' me."

You nodded, "Saved my ass plenty of times, now we're even."

"I heard you, you know? I heard you the whole time, it was all I could hang onto. But I heard you tell Abby you shot her father...? Risky move."

"I needed her to focus on anything other than you. She could've shot you, I wouldn't've been able to do anything and I needed to - I needed you to-to-to - "

"Endure and Survive?"

"Yeah, exactly. So, I lied, told her what I thought would piss her off enough to, you know, take the heat off yah."

Joel's lips twitched at the side again, "My smart fuckin' girl."

"Selfish girl, more like."

"How's that?"

You shrugged, "Didn't wanna be without you, Joel, I can't do this without yah. I need you, Joel, and I... I couldn't let her kill you. Bad enough I got there too late and she beat the shit outta you."

Joel's voice cracked with emotion, "It's not selfish, Y/N."

"No?"

"Nah, baby. The feelin's so fuckin' mutual, 'cause I need'jah, too, sweetheart, and I'll be damned to do this without you, either. You and I, we're gonna grow old - well, older, together, surrounded by our family, all of Tommy and Maria's kids - Ellie and Dina, too. We ain't gonna go out like that, we get t'die like we lived. Together."

"Yeah?"

"I promise," he swallowed tightly, eyes crinkling as he winced. "Can't get rid of me, baby, not that easily."

"Fuck you," you scoffed, "that wasn't easy, not t'see, not t'watch, not t'fight against. It was so fucking hard - I can't ever go through that kinda shit again. Hear me? Never again, Joel, I can't handle it - "

"Nah, nah, nah, never again, baby. I promise. I-I'll talk to Tommy, we're done with patrols - "

"No, you're fucking done," you snipped. "I'll earn both our keep, but you're done, Joel, I can't fucking go through that shit again."

"What if something like that happens to you - "

"I killed them all. There's nobody left that would come for us."

Joel's eyes flashed, "There's those in Seattle."

Your head shook, "Doubt they'd give enough of a fuck to avenge those bastards."

"We don't know that. So... So why don't we both retire, baby? C'mon, like we always said. You think you can't handle that again? Imagine how it'd fucking feel to learn something happened to you and I wasn't there to protect yah. Please, Y/N, we both retire - we don't run that risk no more."

"All right, deal," you agreed through your tears, leaning over him to hold his cheek and press several kisses to the corner of his mouth. "Fucking deal, all right, yeah - "

"Honey? You missed."

"Nah, you're still healing - "

"A kiss ain't gonna hurt nothing," he grunted. "C'mere, please. Don't make me beg... Besos, besos, besos." With a small, watery chuckle, you obliged and pecked his pouting lips - earning another groan. "That's not what I meant - mh!" You cut him off by pressing a prolonged kiss against him, careful not to press too hard and reopen his split lip. He hummed in content, free hand occupied by only an IV lifting to caress the back of your head in an effort to keep you in place. This time, when you pulled back, he mumbled, "Never again, sweetheart."

"Never again," you agreed softly, gently petting a salted curl from his forehead; hand drifting to gently trace the contours of his healing yellowing-skin. "I love you so fucking much, Joel. Don't do that to me again."

"I love you, too, darlin'. Never again - we're done. I swear, we're fucking done with all that."

"Good," you whimpered, glancing back to the usual seat you'd claimed the past couple weeks as you watched over him. "All right, hey," with a sniffle, you slowly lifted from his bed, "Jesse went to get Tommy, but you get some rest, all right?"

"Fuck that, been resting long enough. Just wanna be here with you, baby."

"Got a helluva long recovery ahead of yah, gonna need your strength."

"Think I'll walk again?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it - but we'll work on it together. You'll be okay... That, I can promise."

Joel nodded with a gentle sigh, watching you maneuver back into the armchair Dina had pushed into his room for you. He didn't let go of your fingers, eyes silently watching you as if to ensure you were there - but you did the same. After seeing him on the brink of death, you feared you couldn't look away from his living, breathing form ever again. Quietly, he garbled, "Don't leave."

"Never, baby. I'm right here, I gotcha."

requesting rules and masterlist

TLOU masterlist

[uraveragelonelysapphic]

Gentle Love

Pairing: Rio Vidal x Fem!Reader

Summary: She may be Lady Death, but to you, she is your sweet love.

Word Count: 1.2k

Warnings: mentions of depression, panic attacks, just a lot of hurt/comfort

a/n: surprise! another fic! i know a lot of people have been wanting just rio fics, so here you go! a little hurt/comfort! the goal was to make a mental health fic where it isn't romanticized, so here's hoping i did that! enjoy!!!

Your relationship with Lady Death wasn’t one that had a spontaneous start. She didn’t save you from a painful demise, or help you realize life was worth living.

She had met you on her day off. (Yes, Lady Death gets days off. She’s not the only one working the underworld, you know.) She was wandering through a wooded area when she came across you. You were sitting under a willow tree, humming to yourself as you wove a crown of daisies.

Her heart had practically melted at the sight of you, and she found herself gravitating towards you. Before she knew it, she was introducing herself to you and you were inviting her to join you beneath the willow.

The two of you were pretty much inseparable after that. You spent countless days getting to know every part of each other; mind, body, and soul. Soon enough, you were deeply in love with Rio Vidal: Lady Death. And she could say the same about you.

You both had grown exponentially by being in each other’s presence. But a romantic relationship doesn’t mean the absence of all problems.

Rio struggled deeply with guilt. She hated that she had been bound to this calling, that she had been chosen to wear a face she found hideous and escort living creatures to a world beyond life. It pained her to take children from their mothers, sisters from their brothers, soulmates from their lovers. 

But you were so soft with her. Soft as you kissed her in her Death form, soft as you held her while she shook with guilt and self-hatred, soft as you assured her that she was doing the right thing. That you loved her always.

As for you, mental illness was something you had dealt with from a young age. After all, being a witch who was chased from countless villages and hunted endlessly, all for possessing a magical ability she never asked for…well, it tends to have some lasting negative effects on one’s mental well being.

You were proud to say you knew how to handle it, but you had your weak moments. Moments like now. And you hated them.

As you woke up, you felt a familiar heaviness in your bones. Your heart felt heavy but was racing all the same, your head ached, and your stomach churned with dread and anxiety.

You turned to the other side of the bed, reaching for your comfort, your person, only to find it empty. Your eyes filled with tears as you took a deep breath. 

You wondered if you should call her. You hated that the thought even crossed your mind. You could handle this alone.

“But you don’t have to,” your lover’s words echoed through your mind as you pondered what to do.

You and Rio had created a system for times like this. If ever you were feeling like the walls were closing in, like you couldn’t breathe, like you could barely function. All you had to do was think of a color and a name. Her name.

Yellow meant you were struggling, but could handle it alone if need be. Red meant you needed her.

You rarely tended to use red. You loved Rio, and you knew full well that her presence helped to calm you in times of discomfort and anxiety, but you couldn’t pull yourself out of your need to be independent and not rely on anyone for help. You hated admitting the need for help.

Even now, as you laid in bed, tears streaming down your face as you struggled to breathe, you refused to admit defeat. But you knew you owed it to both her and yourself to say something.

Yellow. Rio. Yellow, you thought as you brought your hands to your face, willing your breathing to calm down.

It was no use. All you could think of was how useless you were, how helpless, worthless, weak.

You choked out a sob as the room seemed to get smaller and smaller.

Until you felt gentle hands on your wrists, tenderly pulling them from your face.

“Hey there, sweet girl. Let’s sit you up, yeah?” Rio said softly.

You followed her instructions, allowing the witch to help you to a sitting position.

You met her eyes, expecting to see disappointment and disgust, but instead being met with nothing but love pooling in her brown eyes. 

Her hands moved from your wrists, gently intertwining her hands with yours. 

“There’s my girl. Let’s try and get that breathing to slow down. Wanna get some more air in those beautiful lungs of yours, yeah?” She cooed, her eyes encouraging.

You nodded, and she took one of your hands, placing it on her stomach as she took exaggerated breaths as an example.

You began to copy her, your eyes not leaving hers, feeling safe as you lost yourself in her.

She squeezed your hands softly. “Look at you go. Breathing all by yourself. I’m so proud of you, mi vida,” she whispered as you found yourself finally able to breathe steadily.

You both sat there for a few more minutes, her allowing you the space to feel whatever you may be feeling as you came back to your senses.

You opened your mouth to speak, struggling to find words to express your needs. As if she had read your mind, Rio let go of your hands to reposition herself against the headboard of the bed and opened her arms to you.

You smiled at her in gratitude, moving to sit in between her legs, laying your back against her front as she held you.

You both sat in silence for a few moments, just soaking in each other’s presence; Rio running her fingers through your hair with one hand and softly caressing your leg with the other.

Eventually, she spoke.

“I’m so proud of you.”

You shrugged against her and she shook her head.

“I’m serious, my love. I’m proud of you for calling for me.”

“Feel weak,” you mumbled as you hung your head.

Rio furrowed her brows, turning you to face her. “Quite the contrary, love. You are the bravest person I know. You can handle these things on your own. I know you can. But you knew it wasn’t what was best for you, so you called for me. And I’m so grateful to be in love with such a strong, beautiful girl who knows how to help herself,” she said, her voice full of adoration that brought tears to your eyes.

“I love you, Rio,” you choked out, your hands finding her cheeks, thumbs brushing against the skin softly.

She placed her hands on your waist, allowing you to initiate the kiss.

You brought her face to yours, kissing her with all the love you had. She kissed you back, softly, always softly, pecking your lips softly as you pulled away.

“I love you most, my precious girl,” she said, laughing as you rolled your eyes at her need to turn everything into a competition.

She kissed the tip of your nose, relishing in the way you wrinkled it at the sensation.

“Alright, I prescribe you a glass of water, some chocolate chip pancakes, and cuddles with your hot girlfriend,” she said as she got up, smirking at you.

She beamed in triumph as you giggled. “Well if that’s what the doctor herself ordered, who am I to disagree?” you teased.

“My thoughts exactly. I’ll be right back, my brave girl. I love you,” she said, her eyes softening again.

“I love you, Rio Vidal,” you said with a smile, and she blew you a kiss before exiting your bedroom.

Yes, she was Lady Death, but to you, Rio Vidal would always be your gentle love.

[jjscrybaby]

jj maybank x fem!reader | fluff | (period, cramps, blood stains, loving bf but it should be the norm!)

︶︶︶ ⊹ ︶︶ ୨♡୧ ︶︶︶ ⊹ ︶︶

Usually you’d know when you were coming to that time of the month, a day or two before you’d start to get cramps, your boobs would ache and you’d be extra grouchy, you’d be well prepared for Mother Nature to come knocking at the door. That’s probably why you were more so confused than annoyed when you woke up with a sharp pain in your stomach.

It was still dark out, you rubbed your eyes tiredly as you checked your phone for the time: 4:37am. You groaned quietly, moving to lay back down to go back to sleep when that familiar stabbing pain hit once again. You were more aware now, more conscious, and you knew exactly what that meant.

You pulled the covers back, ready to quickly go and put a pad on and get back into bed, when you spotted the dark red stain that had made its way onto the sheets. Instantly, tears welled up in your eyes and anxiety gnawed at your chest. You looked to your left, finding JJ sleeping soundly beside you.

JJ wasn’t a child. Deep down, you knew he would hardly flinch at the fact you’d bled all over his sheets, god knows worse has happened on that bed. But, your emotions were all out of whack and a sob ripped its way through you.

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong?” JJ asked tiredly, instantly sitting up as if ready to attack.

“I’m sorry, Jayj,” you cried, covering your face with your hands.

“Why’re you sorry, baby? You cheat on me in your dream? It’s a’ight, ain’t real,” he soothed, arms wrapping around you as he tried to pull you back into the comfort of his arms.

“No— no,” you argued, pushing his arms off you. You let out another whine, feeling embarrassed to tell him what had happened. You wished you could just get him to leave the room so you could change the sheets and pretend nothing had happened.

“Tell me what’s wrong, sweetheart,” he pleaded, leaving a kiss on your bare shoulder. “I can’t help if I don’t know.”

“I started my period,” you sniffled, a prominent pout on your face as your eyes shone with tears. “Got it on…” you trailed off, waving your hand towards the sheets.

He let out an ah sound, nodding. “Alright, baby. No need for the waterworks. Shit happens. Why don’t you go get cleaned up, do what you gotta do, I’ll sort the sheets out.”

“Really?” You asked croakily, looking back at him.

JJ let out a soft laugh, more like a coo, as he pressed a gentle kiss to your lips. “Yes, really. Don’t be silly, baby. You got cramps? Think there’s some meds somewhere around here.”

“Yeah,” you sniffled, your hand coming to cover your stomach.

“Go on, the quicker you get sorted the quicker you can get back into bed. Sarah’s got pads in the bathroom already, I’ll deal with everythin’ else.” With one last peck, he sent you on your way to the bathroom.

You had a quick shower, the flow was heavier than you thought and you couldn’t just get back into bed like this. You put your pyjamas back on and by the time you came back, the sheets were changed, there was a hot water bottle waiting on the bed, a glass of water and two little pills on the bedside table. Not to mention, your loving boyfriend sat up waiting for you.

“Better?” He checked as you took the pills, crawling into bed next to him. “Got you this.” He held up the hot water bottle.

“Thanks, Jay,” you whispered, a little tearfully. It wasn’t like he wasn’t always attentive when you were on your period, but something about tonight just made you feel extra lucky.

“Can thank me by getting your cute-ass back into bed with me,” he smirked, opening up his arms. “Let me know if those pills don’t work, there are other ways to get rid of cramps, y’know.”

“Mhm, rain check,” you teased, pressing a kiss to his jaw as you closed your eyes. “I love you.”

“Love you, too,” he whispered back, hand resting on your back with the hot water bottle taking place on your stomach.

[applepiewinchesters]

Every Universe (Logan Howlett x fem!Reader)

A/N: This was written while I was slightly intoxicated, I regret nothing though and hope you guys enjoy it. It was proofread but I cannot say there will be no grammatical errors. Regardless, please enjoy!! :) Also, takes place in the Deadpool and Wolverine universe.

Word Count: 4,158 (this bitch is long, for me at least)

Warnings: None really unless you count angst and fluff as well as the mention of butt stuff

Finding out that not falling in love with a man being the sole reason you were sent to the void seemed like a pretty patriarchal reason to essentially be damned but who were you to question the TVA.

The day you were sent to the void you’d seen the news, MULTIPLE CASUALTIES AFTER ATTACK AT XAVIER’S SCHOOL FOR GIFTED YOUNGSTERS, names such as Jean Grey, Marie D’Ancanto, Scott Summers, Hank McCoy, and Logan Howlett were read out by the heartbroken looking anchor.

Being a mutant yourself, the news stung and left a pit of anxiety in your stomach. It was an attack by an anti-mutant terrorist group, if they were bold enough to attack the home of Charles Xavier, why not a shopping mall next, or another school full of mutant and non-mutant children alike.

Only minutes after the newscast on the tragedy started four rectangular, orange portals opened in front of and behind you. Four men dressed in odd looking military uniforms stalked towards you. You didn’t even have time to attempt to fend them off before they grabbed you, holding you down while you attempted to break free but even with your mutation, they were too strong.

All you remembered was one of them placing some weird stick against your stomach and you screamed as you essentially dissolved into nothing.

When you woke you were found by who you now knew as Blade, and were told you were in the Void, where you would stay until you died or were killed by a fellow member of said Void.

You’d been there for a what you thought was probably a few years when a couple of Deadpool and Wolverine variants were found by Laura in an absolutely fucked Honda Odyssey. She brought them there and Gambit and Blade brought them inside and laid them down. They appeared as if they’d just had a horrific fight or the most violent sexual encounter ever.

The Wolverine variant was the first to wake up, quite literally shooting up into a sitting position while breathing heavily. His claws extended quickly from his knuckles, and he made an almost animalistic sound.

“Easy there killer,” you almost teased, holding up your hands, you’d been the one unfortunate enough to be closest to him when he woke up, so his eyes immediately fixed on you.

Several emotions seemed to flash across his face at once, his look of anger changing to one of shock. His claws disappeared just as quickly as they’d appeared just moments ago as you slowly put your hands down, now a little concerned for the man.

“Y/N?”, he asked, his head tilting slightly.

It was your turn to look confused, “Did we know each other?”, you asked.

Sure, you’d heard of Wolverine, of Logan, but you’d never met him personally, you had originally been set to attend Charles Xavier’s school when you were 18 but after an attack on the school the same year your parents had decided against it.

The Logan before you’ s face fell slightly; he seemed almost hurt. It took him a second to respond, “I, uh, I guess not.”

That was when Elektra cut in, explaining to Logan where he was and how she’d found him and Deadpool. While he seemed to only half listen, he got up and found the nearest bottle of Gambit’s booze and started drinking it.

When Deadpool woke up it was a completely different side of weird, you hadn’t had the pleasure of coming across a Deadpool variant, but you’d heard how odd they were, and unfortunately for you, you thought they were exaggerating.

After annoying literally everyone in the room, the Deadpool variant all got you to somehow agree to help him and Wolverine get back to the TVA to save his timeline, as well as a sneak attack on Cassandra Nova. The whole time Logan watched you from the corner of his eye.

He couldn’t completely convince himself it was you. The last time he’d seen you, you were lying dead on the front lawn of the school, killed by a large group of humans, along with almost everyone at the mansion. You were covered in blood and cold by the time he’d gotten there. He’d held onto you until the coroner was nearly begging to take you away.

Logan remembered almost everything about you. Your favorite movie, what food you hated, and even the feel of your hand in his. But when you looked at him with little to no recognition in your eyes, his heart could’ve broken all over again.

You had no idea the conflicting feelings he’d had while you sat only a few feet away. You looked practically the same, maybe older than you were when you’d died in his world, he was older too, maybe you just didn’t want to be with an old man and were pretending not to know him. He was the worst Wolverine after all, he wouldn’t blame you.

But then there were some things you did that reminded him of his version of you, the way your laugh sounded exactly the same, how you sat the same way in your chair, and you even made the same face when you’d taken a drink of Gambit’s whiskey as when you’d sip his occasionally while the two of you sat on the couch in the mansion watching some movie one of the others had put on.

It was you, just, one that apparently hadn’t fallen in love with Logan Howlett. Logan himself couldn’t help but wonder if that had been your reason for being sent here, but thought better of it, deciding he'd probably never have that kind of impact on any kind of world.

After a successful attack on Cassandra and her small army, Deadpool and Wolverine were gone, and you hadn’t expected to ever see them again. Then Cassandra almost destroyed every timeline to exist, and you’d thought for sure those two variants had gotten themselves killed.

But then the TVA came for you and brought you to said Deadpool variants world, which he had successfully and somehow saved with Wolverine’s help. You couldn’t help but notice Logan’s shirt missing this time around. Almost cursing yourself for not trying harder to go to Xavier’s school when you were younger, having a chance to meet your world’s Logan. A man’s abs can do that to a woman.

“Happy to not be in the void and all, but why am I here?”, you asked, eyeing the agents around you and taking in the cracked subway station.

“I thought I’d give a little gift to Wolvie here,” Deadpool replied in an overly enthusiastic manner, throwing an arm around Logan who instantly pushed him away.

“I’m not a gift to give you dumb fuck,” you replied, crossing your arms over your chest.

Deadpool ignored your obvious distain and continued, “Well I figured since he lost you in his world and you never falling in love in your world caused his death that you could stay here with us!”.

Your eyes widened and you had to think about what he’d said for a moment, “I-I got him killed? I got Logan and those other mutants killed?”.

Logan couldn’t focus on the other details once his name left your mouth; he hadn’t heard you say that in almost a decade.

You on the other hand turned to the woman beside you that looked to be in charge.

“Is that the reason I was sent there, because I didn’t fall in love with Logan Howlett and he died because of it?”, you asked, you felt like you could be sick.

The woman sighed, almost regretful, “Yes, it was,” she finally answered you. “Without your help of your mutation those mutants did not survive that attack on the school.”

“Oooooo, trauma plot twist,” Deadpool practically squealed.

“Shut the fuck up!”, you snapped back, making Deadpool whisper a bashful, “Sorry,” and take a step back.

The TVA agents left shortly after, and that was how you found yourself living in a small apartment with Wade, Logan, and the craziest old lady you’d ever met, Blind Al.

Wade and she shared a room as weird as it was, you were given the spare room Blind Al reluctantly let you use, as it was now formerly her grow room, and Logan elected to sleep on the couch.

You settled in somewhat nicely, you still felt awkward in a world that wasn’t yours living with a doofus that you'd grown somewhat fond of and a man you got killed in his other life, but you had new friends, ones that didn’t have a huge chance of dying every day so that was a plus.

Yukio and Ellie had gravitated towards you, you were somewhat close in age, with them being early twenties and you in your somewhat late twenties, they reminded you of your younger sibling’s friends from back home in your previous world.

So, when they invited you to go out a month after you settled in, you couldn’t say no, it would get you out of the house at least, you wouldn’t have to sit and listen to Wade and Logan argue or endure Logan’s kicked puppy look when he thought you weren’t looking.

You felt awful you weren’t the you he thought you were, and you knew it was nothing you could control but after Wade let it slip what had happened to you in Logan’s world you couldn’t imagine how you’d feel if the roles were reversed.

So, to hopefully be able to forget about everything for a few hours you got ready, doing some easy makeup and hair, you put on a cute outfit you’d bought earlier in the week, Yukio had begged you to go shopping after finding out you didn’t own anything for “going out” yet on this world.

You relented and picked out a skirt, top, tights, and boots, it was simple yet cute enough to not be mistaken as any old outfit.

When you’d exited your bedroom in your shared apartment shortly before Yukio and Ellie were due to come get you, Wade looked up from whatever the hell he was doing on his phone, which could be anything from porn to angry birds.

His eyes widened slightly, “Got a date?”, he asked, only slightly feigning shock.

Logan had looked up immediately at the mention of a date, he was sipping a bottle of whiskey at the kitchen table. His eyes traveled over your outfit when he thought you were busy glaring at Wade.

“Not that its your business merc but no, I’m going out with Yukio and Ellie,” you stated, tossing a lip balm you had in your hand to your small purse.

“Girls nightttt,” Wade sang, only making you sigh.

As if a divine intervention interrupted there was a knock on the door and when you opened it you found the two girls standing there waiting.

“Hi Wade!”, Yukio exclaimed waving at him.

Wade leaned back in his seat to look around you at Yukio, “Hi Yukio!”.

“Come on,” you told them, moving to leave but a hand on your shoulder made you turn around. It was Wade.

“Now honey,” he began, “don’t take drinks from strangers, don’t go off alone, and don’t hook up with anyone. You know what they say about beer goggles, you’ll be waking up next to the crypt keeper.”

While you rolled your eyes and pushed Wade’s hand off your shoulder although you knew he really did care. Logan on the other hand clenched his jaw. You weren’t his and he knew that, but Wade’s last comment set his teeth on edge.

“I’m a big girl Wade, but thanks,” you told him, turning around and leaving this time without so much as a glimpse Logan’s way.

When the door shut Wade spoke again, “She’s gonna get picked up by every hottie in the club in that outfit. Did you see her legs Peanut?”.

Wade then almost immediately flinched when he felt glass shatter on the back of his head, the alcohol in the now broken bottle staining the back of his My Little Pony shirt.

He didn’t even have to look back to imagine the look on Logan’s face, “Gotcha,” was all Wade replied, picking out a rather large glass shard from the back of his neck.

…

It was hours later when you were so drunk you couldn’t feel the cold outside, but you sure felt good on the inside. The only bad thing was that the other girls wanted to go to another club, and your social battery was just about gone.

You three stumbled out of the club, Yukio and you giggled at something Ellie had yelled at some perv leering at you when you’d walked out. Stopping the other two from turning the opposite way to another club, you spoke rather loudly despite being out of the crowd and loud music.

“I-I think I’m gonna go home! You girls go!” you told them, making Yukio frown.

“Don’t walk home by yourself, call Wade or something,” Ellie commented.

You nodded thoughtfully before gasping, “I’ll call Logan, Wade is doing butt stuff with Vanessa tonight!”.

Your loud comment sent Yukio into a giggling fit and made a guy near you wince, maybe he’d done butt stuff too.

Ellie only nodded, rolling her eyes as you pulled your phone from your purse, scrolling through the very few numbers you’d had, Wade had gotten both you and Logan phones soon after arriving, claiming he needed to be able to send you both funny videos every day. Which were no doubt ignored by Logan.

Pressing on Logan’s contact, you put the phone up to your ear, listening to it ring only once before the call was answered.

“You alright?”, was the first thing out of Logan’s mouth and you couldn’t help but laugh.

“Oh, I’m great!” you replied, “but Ellie doesn’t want me walking home alone and Wade is doing butt stuff so will you come? I’m only a few blocks from home.”

The whole sentence was sort of rushed and you thought maybe Logan hadn’t heard you correctly because the line went silent.

You were about to repeat yourself when Logan stopped you, “I’m coming,” he told you, you could hear him shuffling around and the sound of a door closing, “What’s the name?”.

Despite having been in the club for well over an hour you had to look up and squint at then brightly lit sign, “Uhhhh,” you mumbled into to the phone, before your eyes finally focused, “House of Yes!”.

You could’ve sworn Logan chuckled, “Be there soon,” was all he said before hanging up.

“Escort secured,” you told the two girls, slipping your phone back into your purse. “He’ll be here soon,” you added, attempting to replicate his gravely tone, only succeeding in making yourself cough and sending Yukio into a laughing fit.

It was only 15 minutes of standing around before Logan showed up, you spotted him first, having turned yourself that way to look for him. He was dressed in his usual jeans, button up, and undershirt, along with a leather jacket he’d picked up recently.

He looked good you had to admit, nearly every girl outside, and even some guys turned to look at him when he walked past. He didn’t give them any sort of acknowledgement though, earning some disappointed looks from a few of them when he walked up to you.

What was it Wade said about beer goggles? Logan was hot without alcohol though, so you shook off the thought.

“Ready to go?”, he asked, eyes scanning over you, not to be a perv but to make sure everything was the same as when you left, and it was, save for the way you swayed slightly and the way you smiled at him like you were so happy to see him. He thought he’d never see that again, but he has to remind himself for what felt like that hundredth time that it wasn’t you, not his you at least.

You nodded, turning around to hug both of the girls, telling them to be safe, although you knew Ellie wouldn’t put up with anyone’s shit.

“Bye Y/N! Bye Logan!”, Yukio exclaimed, waving at you both before grabbing Ellie’s hand as they turned the opposite way.

“Alright, come on,” Logan said, taking a step away from you and waiting for you to follow him to keep walking, he made sure to keep you closest to the buildings, it wouldn’t be too great to have you fall in the street in front of a car.

It was silent for a couple minutes, you stumbled every so often and Logan’s hand always shot out, ready to catch you, but you always righted yourself, giggling as you did, and Logan found himself smiling at the sound.

You caught him smiling after a couple times, narrowing your eyes, “What’re you smiling at grumpy?”, you asked, voice anything but angry.

“Grumpy?”, he asked, raising an eyebrow at you.

“Yeah, it’s what I call you sometimes in my head, Mr. Grumpy is also a good one,” you told him in a very serious tone.

“Mr. Grumpy,” Logan found himself repeating, only making you laugh, which made you stumble, nearly knocking into someone walking the opposite way of you both. Logan instinctively wrapped an arm around your shoulders, pulling you away from the almost collision and into his side.

You immediately noticed he was warm, you could feel it even with his multiple layers on, it was growing colder now outside as the days went on and you yourself knew without the alcohol, you’d probably be cold but here he was, a personal heater.

“Are you actually just a werewolf?” you asked him, making him stop walking completely and turn towards you, removing his arm from your shoulders, making you pout a bit.

“I am not a werewolf,” he told you seriously.

You groaned, “Okay but you’re really warm, you have claws, you can run on all fours, and you’ve got those little…,” you trailed off, putting your pointer fingers up on each side of your head, attempting to mimic the little swishes his hair made.

Personally, you had no idea if his hair just did that (because he’s a werewolf), or if he styled it that way. You couldn’t decide which option to like more.

When Logan didn’t seem to understand what you’d said, you reached up, lightly running a finger along one of the swoops of his hair. You jumped a bit when his hand caught your wrist as you were pulling your hand back.

There was a look in his eyes you didn’t recognize but it soon disappeared as he let you go, “Sorry,” he quickly said. “Reflex.”

You shrugged, “No harm done,” you told him, and his eyes softened at the way you brushed off his behavior from years of enduring nothing even remotely close to the gentle way you’d just touched him.

Maybe you didn’t think so badly of him. You always seemed so wary, afraid to make him angry, to say something wrong, like he was a ticking time bomb. It put him on edge and made him want to steer clear of you, he didn’t want to scare you off either.  But now, standing there staring at you while you just smiled at him made him relax a bit.

“Let’s go,” you suddenly said, beginning to walk away from him. He was back at your side in moments, and you found yourself bumping into him every so often, apologizing every time you did.

Finally, he wrapped an arm around you again, pulling you back into the warmth of his side. You smiled when he did, stumbling slightly but he held you up easily, not letting you fall.

“Thanks for coming to get me,” you told him when you were only a block from home.

“No problem,” he replied, keeping his eyes on the sidewalk ahead.

There were a few moments of silence before you began to giggle suddenly, Logan’s brow furrowed as he looked down at you, “What?” he asked, hopefully not regretting asking.

“So, you’re not a werewolf?” you asked, looking up at him.

Logan groaned looking away from you, “No, and if you keep asking, you’ll regret it.”

“Ooo what are you gonna do?” you mocked, poking his side.

“Wouldn’t you like to know sweetheart,” he replied, making you stumble at the nickname.

“I would,” you challenged, after righting yourself with the help of Logan’s arm around you.

Logan regarded you for a moment before shaking his head, “You’re drunk, another time.”

“Ughhhhh,” you groaned, “Tell me!”.

“Not a chance,” Logan replied, smirking a bit. He’d been drinking since you left and was buzzed himself, he couldn’t help but smile at your behavior.

The you he’d known had always acted like this, at least when intoxicated. You were whiny, clumsy, and clingy. The way your fingers gripped the back of his jacket to stay up right made his heart ache though and his smile fell.

You noticed his attitude change and became concerned, “You okay?” you asked, attempting to stop walking, but Logan kept you going.

“Fine” he replied, his hold on you loosening slightly, you couldn’t help but notice.

So, you stopped, much to Logan’s dismay, moving to stand in front of him, swaying slightly as you very determinedly looked him in the eye.

“What’s wrong, did I do something?” you asked, genuine concern in your voice, he could almost feel his heart crack just slightly.

“No, it’s…,” Logan began, his tongue getting tied, he was never great at emotions, that’s why he drank so much. You didn’t have to feel anything then.

“I’m listening,” you reassured, resisting the urge to take his hand.

“You’re so much like…like her, like you,” Logan finally said, not really meeting your eye. “I thought I could ignore it, but I can’t, you even smell the same.”

Logan had rendered you with nothing to say, could you truly comfort him? Reassure him? You felt yourself sobering up a bit at the thought.

It was a few moments of silence before you found your words, “I know this has been shitty for you too, and I'm sorry I haven't been a better friend. Honestly sometimes I think you hate the fact that I'm not her, me her, whatever...that you hate me. But then you do things like this and it makes me think otherwise. I guess I just don't know how to...approach you, Logan."

Logan felt his heart drop at the word “friend”, and the thought he made you feel inadequate. God he really was stupid enough to think he might have a chance with this version of you.

But he found himself lifting a hand to your cheek, feeling your skin heat up beneath his fingers, “I could never hate you, not in this universe, not in any, got it? Its my fault, for pushing that onto you, making you feel like you have to be someone you’re not.”

You couldn’t help but laugh slightly, “We’re both just fucked up in our own special way, aren’t we?”.

Logan nodded, dropping his hand, but you caught it in your own, “It’s not your fault either you know, I personally blame whatever bitchass overlord of the universe did this.”

Logan had to keep himself from solely focusing on the way your hand wrapped around his, “But…,” he went to argue.

You put up a hand to stop him, “Enough with the self-pity Howlett, its unbecoming of a man of your nature.”

“My nature?” Logan asked, titling his head at you.

“Yes, the nature of being absurdly attractive,” you admitted, looking away from him as you spoke, attempting to walk away, but he pulled you back, almost into his chest, but he kept you a few inches away, still concerned with scaring you.

“Absurdly?” Logan asked, the smirk returning to his face.

You swallowed hard, “Did I say that? I meant unappealing, completely unsightly.”

Your attempt at saving your future sober self from your drunk self was failing miserably, but Logan gave in after a few seconds, shrugging as he turned, placing his arm around you once more, guiding you towards the apartment building you could finally see in the distance.

“Whatever you say kid,” he told you.

This was the most at home you two had felt in a while, and when you sat next to each other at breakfast in the morning, Logan passing you whatever you needed when you’d asked, Wade gasped dramatically.

“Did you two also engage in butt stuff last night, or is that not your cup of whiskey Wolvie?” Wade asked.

This earned him a fork to the forehead, easily tossed across the table by Logan.

The way you laughed made Logan’s heart skip a beat instead of crack again. For the first time in quite a while he felt hope, and if being here with you meant putting up with Wade’s dumbass mouth, he could make an exception just this once.

A/N: Thank you so much for reading! I felt like Tumblr was seriously lacking in Logan fluff so here ya go!

[i2sunric]

𝗟𝗢𝗢𝗞 𝗔𝗙𝗧𝗘𝗥 𝗬𝗢𝗨 (p.sh)

PAIRING: sunghoon x reader (f)

SUMMARY: in the depth of the night, when the bad dreams try to drown you, sunghoon is always there to pull you from the tide.

WARNING: established relationships, mentions of a fight, nightmares, mentions of an anxiety attack, fluff, comfort, lmk if more. NOT PROOFREAD.

PUBLISHED: 28th November 2024

WC: 1k

TAGLIST: (permanent) @stolasisyourparent @jaeyunsbimbo @jwnghyuns @bangtancultsposts @shawnyle @jooniesbears-blog @skzenhalove @ro-diaries @onlyhyunjin @xcosmi @strawberrhypen @jakeflvrz @astratlantis @tunafishyfishylike @branchrkive @insommni4 @kirinaa08 @leiclerc @nxzz-skz @laurradoesloveu @beomluvrr @heeshlove @17ericas @riribelle @senascoooop @mitmit01

a/n: i just wrote this for myself and thought i’d share lol. i need someone like this ngl

The fight was stupid, like most of your fights with Sunghoon. A misunderstanding that snowballed into frustration and sharp words. You couldn’t even remember what had caused it, you just know that the both of you had gone to bed angry. With unspoke and built up frustration.

Now, hours later, the room was dark and quiet, save for the occasional rustle of sheets and the soft hum of the air conditioning.

Sunghoon lay on his side of the bed, his back facing you. He had barely looked at you as he climbed into bed, his jaw tight, his arms crossed before he pulled the blanket over himself. He hadn’t said goodnight, and you hadn’t, either.

Minutes transformed into hours before you managed to close your eyes and drift off to sleep.

It wasn’t long before the nightmares found you.

You didn’t remember how it started, only the suffocating sense of fear that wrapped around you like a vice.

They were almost a routine, but usually they were just work or university related.

Though, when you were stressed, those nightmares took the forms of your worst fears. Plane crashes, other tragedies that you couldn’t stop, the ocean.

You woke up to one, but fortunately, you were able to fall back to sleep a little later. It wasn’t that bad.

Not until another one found you, darker and creepier than the previous one. It made your heart pound, your breath uneven as anxiety pricked your skin.

You woke with a gasp, your chest heaving, the sheets damp with sweat. The room was still dark, save for the faint moonlight filtering through the curtains, and the shadows in the corners of the room suddenly felt alive.

Your hands trembled as you pulled the blanket closer, pressing your face into your knees to muffle the sobs that threatened to spill out. You couldn’t wake Sunghoon. Not tonight. Not after the fight.

But the harder you tried to stay quiet, the harder it became to hold back the tears.

He knew all about how troubled you were after your nightmares. Because in all efficiency, you loved sleeping. You loved the feeling of the warm sheets hugging your skin, the smell of fresh and safe.

Sunghoon had shifted through the night, he was wearing a sleeveless white shirt, the sheets covering until his stomach.

When he heard the muffled sound of your sobs, his brows furrowed, his heart squeezing in his chest.

“Y/n?” His voice was groggy but tinged with concern.

You froze, cursing yourself for not being quieter. You didn’t answer, hoping he’d think he imagined it and go back to sleep.

But then you felt the bed shift as he rolled over, the weight of his gaze heavy even in the dark.

“Are you crying?”

You shook your head quickly, your voice breaking as you croaked, “I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine.” His voice softened, and a moment later, you felt his hand on your shoulder, gently pulling you back so he could see your face. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing,” you whispered, wiping at your cheeks. “Just a bad dream.”

His jaw clenched, guilt flickering in his eyes as he noticed how your shoulders trembled. You were clearly shaken, your breaths uneven, and he hated that you were going through yet another panic.

Sunghoon sighed, sitting up and running a hand through his messy hair. The loose fabric of his sleeveless shirt shifted as he leaned closer, his arm brushing against yours. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

You hesitated, your voice small. “I didn’t want to bother you. You were already mad at me.”

His heart sank at your words. He could be stubborn, but hearing the tremor in your voice made him realize how much he’d let his pride get in the way.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. “I shouldn’t have gone to bed angry, we promised not to do it..”

You shook your head, biting your lip. “It wasn’t just you. I was being stubborn too.”

He sighed, his hand lingering on your cheek for a moment before he pulled you closer, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. You hesitated but quickly melted into his warmth, the scent of him — clean and familiar — grounding you.

“You should have woken me up,” he said again, his tone gentle but firm. “I don’t care if we fight, I’d never want you to deal with this alone.”

Your tears spilled over again, this time not from fear but from the overwhelming comfort of his words. Sunghoon held you tighter, his thumb brushing soothing circles against your arm.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked after a while, his voice low.

You shook your head, burying your face in his chest. “No. I just… I don’t want to think about it anymore.”

“Ok,” he whispered. “Then we won’t.”

He shifted, lying back against the pillows and pulling you with him so your head rested against his shoulder. His other hand reached for yours, threading your fingers together.

He used the other one to gently caress your back, tracing different soothing patterns.

For a while, neither of you spoke, the silence between you no longer heavy with tension but filled with unspoken understanding.

Sunghoon tilted his head to press a kiss to your temple, his voice a soft murmur. “I’m here, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”

You nodded, your grip on his hand tightening as your breathing finally evened out.

Safe in his arms, the shadows of your nightmare faded, replaced by the steady beat of his heart against your ear.

“I love you.” you whispered gently, and Sunghoon tightened his grip on you “I love you too, baby.”

And as you finally drifted back to sleep, you heard a faint “I’ll always protect you.”

[simp-ly-writes]

Dreams of Dragons (pt.1)

─────── · · A House of the Dragon FanFic

PAIRING: Daemon Targaryen x Fem!Targaryen!Reader

SUMMARY: It had been centuries since Kings and Dragons ruled over Westeros but in your dreams- they still do. Being a descendant of the Targaryens, your parents told you stories of the great battles your family had fought generations ago that inspire to to become an archeologist determined to dig up more on your families past. So on a opportunity trip to Dragonstone, you are met by an invisible force that appears to have its own plans for you.

TAGS: alternate universe, canon divergence, no use of y/n, second person perspective, female pronouns used, coarse language, depictions of blood and anxiety attacks, emotional hurt/comfort, protective!Daemon, angst, soulmates, time travel, not beta read. MASTERLIST | TAGLIST REQUEST | WORDCOUNT: 2,070 | NEXT PART A/N: this is my first time writing something for this fandom, please be kind and I hope you all enjoy!

─────── · ·

EVER SINCE YOU WERE A CHILD, YOU WERE FASCINATED BY DRAGONS. Once night would fall your parents would sit at the foot of your bed, a flickering lamp by your bedside acted as the only illumination of the room and played with the shadows to cast the great tales of your ancestors, the once mighty House Targaryen upon your ceiling.

Eyes feeling heavy and body sore from running about all day, your mind was always active, imagination sparking to life as their stories washed over into your dreams that you often confused with reality. Your dreams always felt too real, as if that distant past was increasingly tangible every time you opened your mind to rest.

You could hear the sounds of battle, the clashing of metal and cries of men fighting amongst ash and blood that seemingly rained down from the skies. You were unflinching to the thunderous roars of dragons above, their wings the wind carrying the smoke over to everyone neighbouring in warning not to mess with the Targaryen's. But it was a dream you woke up from nevertheless as you found yourself back in the waking realm day after day.

Your parents thought nothing of your over-active imagination nor your constant desire to learn more of your ancestry, just taking it to you being a curious child with an ambitious mind for knowledge so they kept telling you stories of the bravest princesses and princes that defended the realm, the tricks and battles they faced, and of course, the dragons they rode above the clouds touching the sun before anyone else could.

But as you grew older and your peers 'matured past fantasies' as your teachers put it, you became distanced from the people of your years and wanted to stuff your face in a book or memorize another historical map than attend any social events or soccer practices.

The walls of your room could not expand like your mind and became increasingly flooded in your illustrations and detailed diagrams of each house crest and dragon you read in your books.

Once the upper years of your secondary school education came, so did your time to shine in your historical, political, and classical studies. With ease you could recite the lineage of the great houses and every battle waged from coast to coast of Westeros that allowed you an early pass into college where your passions could be fully envisioned.

But with every sleepless night that passed you by from being enveloped in your studies, your once vivid dreams of the battlefields faded to staring at the back of your eyelids and waking up to the sound of your alarm.

─────── · ·

You would be one of the earliest graduates from your doctorate program in archeology and history, the slips of paper hung proudly up on your office walls beside your original illustrations that you hoped to inspire the younger generations that stepped foot into your office with a thirst for knowledge just like you were and to some point, still are.

The university you graduated from and now worked at was sending you and a small research team to the remains of Dragonstone and you nearly kissed your department head in thanks as you ran out of the meeting room to pack your bags and equipment. 

A heavy backpack, duffle bag, and camera bag were all thrown into the back of your car as you made your way towards the airport for your overnight flight to the coast where it would be a few days of boat travel before you would reach the island. 

You fell asleep easily on the flight contradicting the restless excitement you felt and for the first time in years, you didn’t see the back of your eyelids but vines slithering between weathered stones. The bench you sat on was a cold hard stone, porous and rough underneath your palms as you observed the long black dress you wore. 

Pinching the material between our fingers, its softness confused you for the garment materials you researched for the lower classes were definitely not so velvety. Hiking up your gown slightly you stared at your polished short heels that confirmed your suspicions. You were a noble woman of some kind in this new dream and by the looks of your hands, had yet to see battle if you ever were. 

A cough has your eyes snapping upwards, your skirt dropping as your neck warms and crawls up to your cheeks. “To be scandalized or enthralled by seeing the princesses hiked up skirts, hm,” a tall man with long white hair hums to himself whilst leans against a pillar, hand lazily resting upon the hilt of a sword, their smirk wavering on a grin as they await your response with humour evident not only in their tone but in they violet eyes. 

You look away confused, you recognize the man from some place yet cannot place a name to the face as you take in the gardens that surround you in search of an answer. The rain of blood from past dreams is now a small fountain with a swan spraying water in a steady stream from its beak into a porcelain bowl. The flowers that surround you are thriving in various pigmented shades of reds, blues, and yellows; land untrampled and not a single corpse or dragon in sight.

Your distant attitude and lack of response seem to offend the man, his smile sliding off his face as he casts a glare to the foliage for taking your attention away from him. He takes long strides, sword and cape swinging by his sides to stand before you, casting you in his shadow as a gloved hand tucks a strand of your matching white hair behind your ear. 

“What troubles your mind?” His voice is tender, all traces of humour left as you turn to look into his eyes. No one had ever spoken to you nevertheless touched you in a dream before… you pinch yourself in an effort to wake the real you up only to see a bruise starting to form against your skin. The silver-haired man before you hisses, separating your hand from your skin with a glare, “why are you punishing yourself? What have you done?” 

You watch as the pastel violet fades to a deep purple and look away, mind racing to conjure an explanation but any thoughts are ripped away as a gloved hand grips your chin, forcing your eyes to cast upon his refined features set between a dozen healed scars. “Are you still ill? Do you need me to grab a Maester?” 

He uses his teeth to pull the glove off his other hand, leaving it to fall amongst the grass and clovers before resting his knuckles against your forehead to check your temperature, “you don’t feel hot…” his voice a mere murmur in his observation before sharpening, “who has made you this way?” 

His grip is unwavering on your chin, bordering on a physical comfort and hurtful as you mistake his growing concern for anger and rush to speak, “It is me! This is all of my doing, your highness.” You swallow deeply and pray that you stated the correct title so as to not lose your physical head. You shake yourself away from his touch before moving to stand. 

Yet just as you step around his broad frame his hand reaches for your upper arm, keeping you in place, “Do you forget yourself?” his mouth pressed directly near your near, he feels you still beneath his touch. 

“Please, excuse me,” you look straight forwards, peering down the open hallway for an escape. 

“I demand you tell-” the man is cut off by a new feminine tone that steps out into the sunlight. She too wears a long dress yet hers is mostly red with gold accents. Her hair braided across the top of her head to form a crown, her stance upright, gaze as violet and piercing as the man who holds you and suddenly it dawns on you. 

“Princess Rhaenyra,” you whisper before slowly turning your head to meet the Rogue Prince’s gaze. Your mouth is agape, eyes wide before casting down as you try and bow yet Daemon’s hold on your arm keeps you. 

“She is not right in the head,” Dameon calls over his shoulder to his niece who looks between the two people she adores most in concern. You shoot the prince a glare for his choice of words that he chooses to ignore. 

“But the Maester promised that once she woke up again she would be herself again,” Rhaenyra frowns. Dameons hand slips down your arm, fingers interlacing with your own before raising your hands to press a lingering kiss to your knuckles. His thumb tracing the sparks leftover from his mouth to your skin.

You open and close your mouth like a fish out of water, breathing starting to become ragged as you feel overwhelmed, not understand why you have yet to wake up, why the royals you to some part idolized in the stories your parents told you were worried over you presently, “It's just not adding up,” and you don’t realize to be speaking your thoughts. 

“What does not?” Rhaenyra takes another step forwards, hesitant to give you space, not wanting to overwhelm you further. Your lip quivers and you swear to hear a bee humming in your ears as your body begins to sweat. You start to grip at your bodice that feels too tight against your body, feet wavering on stability before you feel yourself falling back and into an awaiting chest. 

“Get the Maesters!” Daemon roars before hearing a dozen rushed feet of servants departing down the hall. He walks you both towards the bench to sit in his lap, pushing your head gently back to rest against his padded shoulder. 

Rhaenyra falls to her knees before you both, gripping your hands with tears welling in her eyes, “please,” she squeezes your hands, “stay with me, I cannot do this alone again, I need my-” you fail to catch the rest of her words feeling as your eyes grow heavy with every passing moment. Your breaths begin to even out in contrast to Daemons short panicked ones as his hands rubs up in down your waist in a reassurance for you or himself you will never get to know as sleep overcomes you, the last thing you hear are his pleas, “wake up, I will not live to see you laying lifeless for another day!”

─────── · ·

You find yourself in the waking world and being blinded by artificial lighting as a stewardess politely asks you to place your seat upright and tray up. You hastily comply with an anxious smile as your co-worker in the aisle seat across from you greets you a polite, “good morning.”

But as you deboard the plane, grab your luggage and head for the boats down by the docks, it is as if a presence lingered behind you… watching… waiting, your paranoia growing with every step you took closer towards Dragonstone. You could hear your heartbeat like a drum ringing in your ears with every step you took, connecting to your soul as you were unflinching to the waves coming over the boat, soaking you to the core. 

You debated turning back as you were last to leave the boat and step onto rocky terrain yet your body was acting on its own volition, physically keeping you from moving backwards and dragged you to the cliff face as the sun was setting, a pastel painting of hues reflecting across the deep blue sea that you stood before. A town of tents behind you and a fortress awaiting just up the hill. 

The cool ocean breeze kissed your skin and blades of grass brushed up against your ankles like the island was comforting you for something you had yet to discover. A call of your name has you snapping from your thoughts, a flash of silver out of the corner of your eye has you ignoring your peers before you squeeze your eyes to shut off the nonsense you were experiencing and join everyone for a communal dinner that you are last to leave from, childish to say you were scared to fall asleep in fear of waking up on the other side again… 

─────── · ·

NEXT PART

─ · · A/N: what did you think? and is there anything you want to happen next? 😊

[moonieandi]

snapshots pt. 2 | stanley pines x f!reader 

summary: a quick look through concerning the early months of your life “married” to stanley pines, particularly centered around moments in the car

warnings (TW): swearing, illegal activities (of course), descriptions of panic/panic attack or general anxiety, alcohol consumption

tags: fluff, early relationship described, pining, very slight angst, affection

notes: i mean, i liked writing part one? so … i’m just gonna keep writing? do what brings you joy and all that jazz. alsooooo im currently unemployed and have too much time on my hands. any feedback is appreciated, seeing as this is the first (second) time i’m publishing online !

edit 8/27/24: hello! below i have linked my new masterlist that contains updated parts to this series, thank you and hope you enjoy!

word count: 3.7k

| masterlist | part iii |

When you reside within the same place as another, you begin to notice particular behaviors. Of course, Stanley had resided in an unquantifiable number of places in the last decade, but he had forgotten what it was like to live alongside someone. 

Forgot about the consideration of messes and manners, and forgot about his socks in corners and cans on bedside tables. These were things he never had to consider when he was confined to a single room and a shared bunk with his brother, but she was different. 

The first couple months he found himself stumbling around her at times. Let her lead through doorways, ask her what she would like for dinner, using odds and ends as a coaster here and there. 

But she was much the same in that way. 

She hadn’t ever had to share her space like this, much less with a man. She fumbled with answers concerning dinner, forgot her delicates in the washer routinely, and had a habit of throwing her feet up on Stanley’s chair when he sat across from her at their poor excuse of a dinner table. 

But this was months ago. 

No, they both had noticed these intricacies about the other and had more or less adapted around them. Laundry was done half-heartedly, a quick combination of their socks and delicates. A calendar made its home on the fridge with scribbles of dinner plans, and her feet were shuffled onto his lap every night, adjusted to fit across his hips. 

But she still leads through most doorways. He would never admit to why. 

There were other, smaller things too. These things made him ache somewhere behind his sternum, and he usually shook them off. 

Small things like how she curled at her end of the couch, or how she brought her face to any page she was scribbling on, always squinting. How she tidied the living room every morning like they would be having guests. How she came to the kitchen every morning, hand outstretched for the mug he had deemed hers. 

He decided to forget about these things. At least some of them that is. 

He knew for a fact that she loved it when he drove the most. She enjoyed the movement of the trees out the window, enjoyed stretching her feet up to his dash (despite his initial protest), and she loved the radio in particular. 

Common law says to keep your eyes on the road, and both hands on the wheel. But it was very hard to conduct when she leaned forward towards the radio, singing under her breath. She was so relaxed here beside him on the long bench in the front of his long-loved car. 

The car had been through hell and back, but he was sure it’d never encountered anything as enchanting as her bellowing singing. It would ring through the car, only ever on the way home, and only ever after a bar visit. The buzz would stray his eyes from wheel and headlights to her, head thrown back singing. 

He swerved on the road more than he cared to admit when she was in the car. The reminder of her safety usually woke him up from his fantasies of her with her head thrown back, with her hair spilling around her, and a flush on her cheeks.

But he rarely kept both hands on the wheel, to begin with anyway. His right arm always flung behind, scrunched on the back part of her seat, itching to find the soft back of her neck. 

Clearing his throat, he adjusted himself in his seat, both hands returning to the wheel. A smile never leaving his face, a laugh rising as she scooted closer, incoherent 70’s BABBA lyrics sung into his right ear. 

He’d admit he likes driving her, in particular, around. 

They had made for town for a handful of differing supplies that day. 

Stanley, Stan, had a bright idea to earn some seasonal money by making the front half of the shack into a tourist attraction. After an explanation of his initial encounter with a group of town folk upon his first couple days in the shack, she had nodded along in agreement. 

They needed money, and the need was only growing of course. 

She was the farthest from a financial advisor, but she knew the reserve of money she had come to town with was dwindling, and with them both diving head-first into Ford’s basement business, the idea of money had seemed trivial, at least to her, those first couple months. 

She knew though that money wasn’t a trivial thing for Stan (Stanley). That he hadn’t had a successful last decade, and that her life strayed from his own background astronomically. 

That was one thing that grated her slightly. How flippantly he spoke of Ford to her, but how he had not shared himself as willingly. It didn’t make him a liar to withhold said information, but the state of Stanley’s (Stan’s) car backseat that first month spoke of a man on the run. 

But he had lit up so differently when he dragged her to the front of the shack's cluttered room. Explaining where things would go, a cash register, a display case, and certain merchandise. She’ll admit to perhaps not completely listening to him at the time, but later she would look back and reflect on how he was unsurprisingly a great salesman. 

He had been so happy, dragging her from corner to corner, painting pictures with words, but he had looked too enchanting for her to really hear it. One hand in his pocket, the other gesturing, and a smile upon his handsome figure. He had reached back out, dragging her back to the front door, hand on the small of her back as he ushered her around. 

It was a dump up here, truly. The one place in the house she hadn’t gotten to scouring for clues yet. She was unsure as to why she left the room untouched at the moment, but she thinks it had a lot to do with the panicked memory of meeting Stan (Stanley), and how the glow of the backroom reflected on his face made her wander in through the front door like a madwoman. 

She made for the car very soon after his explanation, eager to get the supplies he would need to renovate the front of the room. He had beaten her of course, opening and closing the passenger door without so much as a prompt, and making his way to the driver's side. 

The drive into town had been great as always. It was one of those mid-spring days. Wet on the windshield and crisp until 10 a.m. The hardware store served its purpose, as they wandered from aisle to aisle, looking for particular wood stains and sandpaper. 

“Here it is Stanl-” He had come up behind her abruptly. Hand coming up to her mouth, stopping her sentence, flicking his eyes up and down the aisle. 

She turned to face him, an apology already on her lips. But he was already looking down at her, a hidden heat behind his eyes. 

“What did I tell ya, hun?” He whispered it in the space between them. “I told ya, I can’t be that here.” 

He couldn’t be him anywhere anymore, at least not in the light of day. She had tried to shake the old him, but somewhere in the far reaches of her mind, she had a hard time calling him Stan. 

Because she knew it meant he was being Ford, not Lee. And it was hard to lie about anything concerning him, concerning Stanley. 

He sighed, his hand leaving her lips and running through his long hair. “We gotta get outta here anyways. Come along, hun.” A practiced smile reached the corners of his mouth, another lie. 

Unfortunately for his psyche, the cashier wanted to talk their ear off also. 

“Oh hiya, Stanford!” And of course, they knew his brother. 

A smile crawled up his face anyway, making nice like he figured his brother may have done all those months ago. 

“Getting supplies? Any new projects?” 

“Uh nah nah, not at the moment. Looking into renovating parts of the shack for some business right now.” 

“Business? Really? Never took you for much of a businessman.” The cashier continued to bag their samplings of wood stains. “But hey, life takes ya in odd directions sometimes!” 

He tisked. “Don’t I know it buddy.” He shook his head a little, grabbing the bag, peering over his shoulder checking for his smaller shadow. She followed in his wake, slightly downtrodden to have cut their store visit short with her stupid mouth. 

“Oh, Stanford!” The cashier called, but he didn’t turn until she reached for his jacket’s dirty red sleeve, tugging to turn him back. Flushed, he meets the cashier's outstretched hand. 

“The receipt! You always want the receipt.” 

He crushed the receipt in his hand. “Right… right ya, thanks.” 

She followed him back to the car, her hand never leaving his sleeve, brushing her warmth against his slightly shaking palm. He doesn’t forget to open her door or to slam the wood stains and sandpaper into the back of the car. 

The ride back was tense, and not of its usual bravado and fanfare.  He had peeled out of the parking lot all too quickly and regretted it the next moment as he looked over and watched her pale in the passenger seat. 

She didn’t reach for the radio, hands folded on her lap. She didn’t look out her window, as the trees blurred differently under Stanley’s hasty speed. 

Under Stan’s hasty speed. 

He didn’t want this. He didn’t want any of this mess. And he definitely didn’t want to upset her. His arm never met the back of her seat, his knuckles tight around the steering wheel. 

He didn’t think of pulling over until he looked at her halfway home. Ram-rod straight, pale as all hell, and eyes blurry with undescribed grief. 

He cursed under his breath, pulling the car off to the side of the road, gravel underfoot. 

She got like this at times, at his temper. He knew at times he could be loud, that he raised his voice at inconveniences and the T.V. Knew that her lip curled in a particular way when on a very off day, his frustration explodes in her face. He was quick to anger at times, and she was quick to cover. 

He made himself so big in the face of things, but she folded into a different shape when he did. And somewhere in the back of his mind, he prayed she knew that he would never turn his anger to her. That he had raised fists before and spilled blood, but he’d never raise them again unless it was for her, if she would allow it. 

But he doesn't want her to get small in the face of his, well, everything. Because he had been angry at so many things in succession in his life he lost count, and he doesn’t want to lose the part of himself that cared for her in his anger, and he doesn't want her to fold into odd shapes and shadows in the face of him anymore. But above all, he didn’t want the reminder of his father to taint whatever the hell this was. It was bad enough he saw glimpses of him in the passing reflections from time to time.

He loved the fight in her eyes when they spat back and forth sometimes, a sarcastic, fake fight brewing between them. That’s how they both always ended up laughing at the dinner table most nights, and how he felt closer to her most days. His anger was never her responsibility, or her doing. She had never truly upset him once, and the way they played with words back and forth over a meal like an old married couple rattled a few rusty cogs in his brain from time to time. That his anger could at least be amusing, because when she smiled he forgot all about it anyway. 

So he parks the car in Spring and turns to her with his guts in his lap for the first time since he spoke to her that Winter night when he thought his prayers had been answered when she plowed through the shack’s door like a tidal wave. 

“I hate this.” He sighed. “And I can’t stand when you fucking look at me like that.” 

Her lip curled. Fuck fuck fuck. 

“I know.” It wobbled out her mouth. “I ruined the day, I’m sorry.” 

He leans back, his hand meeting the back of her seat. A beat, before he turns to her completely, like he does every night across the dinner table with her feet propped across the entirety of his lap. 

“I don’t want you to apologize to me. You should never have to apologize to me. I don’t want you to, ever fucking think you gotta hand that over to me again. Because you’ve never done anything to upset me doll, not ever.” 

She sniffles, a moment of crisp silence. Spring rain beats on the windows in a mist. A smile comes to her lips, and he sags in relief, anger fading.

“Except when I forget the laundry on the line.” She’s cracking jokes now? 

“Except that ya, because I kinda need socks and underwear mmk?” He laughs only slightly, a tiredness seeping into his posture. 

“I didn’t used to be like this.” 

“Like what?” 

“A bad liar.” He admits. He hadn’t disclosed much of his past to her. He wasn’t ashamed of it much when it came to disclosing his long resume to others, but she made him nervous. And he hadn’t been really, truly, honestly nervous in a long time. So he did what he does best, and he lied. 

“I could buy the shirt off your back from ya in under 10 minutes I swear.” He readjusts in his seat again, hand slowly creeping up the back of her seat still. “I’m a great liar, it’s how I made it from state to state, and the reason I’m not allowed back in Pennsylvania.” 

She laughs truly now. She had figured that was what he was used to. Long trips and longer fibs. She didn’t care much about the morality of it, because when she imagined him somehow corrupt in her mind's eye she remembered him bent over her on the couch, and how it felt to listen to the T.V. fade into the background as he carried her up the stairs. The faintness of her sheets, and the brush of his hand on her hairline. 

“But I can’t lie about this, or at least I'm really fucking bad at it.” He interrupts her thought. “I’m the farthest thing from Stanford Pines.”

“Perhaps you are, Lee.” A name she hadn’t used out loud fell between them. “But no one ever asked you to be him.” 

She realized quickly in her desperation to reassure him that she was also being a hypocrite. It was hard to call him Stan, she realized, but only because she was afraid of hurting him. The memory of Stanford still lived between them, and although they tried to shutter his existence in the basement they both weren’t very good at playing pretend yet. 

But they would need to be. It’d need to be the best con he’d ever pulled, that they had ever pulled. He just wasn’t used to having a partner quite yet. But they needed to be honest now if they were gonna pull it off and bring Stanford home. 

“You don’t need to be him. I know you aren’t him Stanley, and I don’t want you to be.” She paused, considering. “If we are going to do all this though, we need to work together. I-I need to get better, I need to call you Stan, and you need to believe me when I tell you I’m staying for the long haul.” 

He sighs again, readjusting to look over at her. 

“I lived a long time trying to be something great like I thought he was, like I know he is. But I haven’t, I hadn’t, seen him in so long. I don’t know who he is anymore.”

“You both have a surprising lot in common, actually.” She shrugs, a smile coming to her lips in memory. “You both smile the same, and you both doodle the same way, and you both tilt your head to the left when I ask a dumbass question.” 

He laughs at this, a memory of passing scribbles and doodles in class back and forth, and the comic books he would spend all night drawing in their shared room’s lamplight. Some things always stick, at least. 

She bridged the gap of some odd ten years, and he could at least be thankful about that. 

“I just want you to know… Stan. That when I do call you Stan, I mean Stanley- not Stanford.” She shrugs again, nervous. “Because you’re not him, you're right, and if you don’t want me to lie about this one small detail, it can be between us.” 

She had somehow come to the heart of his predicament without much digging. He had worn many hats in his time bouncing from state to state, a conman, a businessman, a thief, and a liar. But he didn’t wanna make her one of those things, and he knew by associating with him she would need to be. Just in the blur of it all, he didn't want to be someone else to her. Not even in name. He wanted there to be honesty between them because otherwise, it wouldn't work. What wouldn’t work? 

He finds resolution in her answer. That he will always be Stanley to her, and Stanford to others, at least for the time being. Oddly intimate, closely personal. He wouldn't linger on the thought.

“You’re right as usual, doll.” A smirk comes to his lips. “Team?” He questions, fist uncurling from the back of her seat, brushing between them to meet for a bump. 

She smiles brightly now, meeting him in the middle. “Team.” 

He sinks in the seat, beat from the emotions of the last hour already. “Okay we need to do something fucking fun now.” 

“Like what?” Amused, she reaches between them to turn the radio back on, sick of the silence in the shell of the car. A hum already on her lips. 

He smiles, a scheme on his lips, a memory playing in his head when he looks at her. 

She flushes, a quick shake of her head. “No, no, no Stan, no I am not doing it no.”

He loves how she fights it but he knows how to get his way with her already, even if it has only been a short six months. Flushed in her seat, and begging him. Fuck. 

All he has to do is fucking smile, with that stupid glint in his eyes. “Yes, ya are!” He taunts, a laugh already bellowing. “You’re driving!” 

“I don’t fucking know how and you know it!” She had been embarrassed to admit it to him that one night, that she had made it this long without a driver’s license, but he had all but said please that night, vying for blackmail from her. He had told her about his kiddy comic books, so she had to fess up to something stupid of equal measure he felt. 

“I’ll teach ya!” 

He was already out his door and around the front of the car, opening her own, and reaching across her lap to unbuckle her from her seat when she continued to shake her head. 

She moved only when he began slipping his hand under her thigh and around her back to move her across the long bench to the front of the wheel. He sometimes forgot about where he put his hands on her, when he was giddy like this. She never minded, though. 

She was still shaking her head when he reached back over her to buckle her into her new spot behind the wheel, laughing all the way. Amused by her protest of this simple thing. Only amused, because he knew deep down she was actually okay with it. Another fake fight ongoing between them, some old cogs moving in his head. 

He moved back some, but resided half in the passenger seat and half in the middle, his big hand on her thigh. Fuck. 

He leaned down (Fuck), his other hand pointing at things she should have been paying attention to. This is like the shack all over again. 

He looked back at her, even more amused by her flustered face, and repeated himself like he knew what was going on in her head. Because, well, he kinda did. 

“This is the petal to the right, and the break to the left, doll.” He brings his hand back to the wheel. “This stick on the left is the turn signal, and this stick on the right is the shifter.” 

She began to breath again when he moved away, but he was still chuckling through ever sentence of course. Too handsome for his own good.

“Now all ya gotta do, doll, is shift from park to drive, but put ur foot on the break first.” 

“Uh… this one?” She put her left foot on the left most pedal. 

He squeezed her thigh, goddamnit, leaning back into her to basically physically move her foot. 

“No, no, ya gotta only use your right foot. You can’t use both.” 

“Why not?” 

He shrugs, tilting his head left at her dumbass question. “Because I said so.” He laughs again, hand still very warm and very present. 

“Okay, okay… okay.”

He nods. “Okay okay okay, now just shift the right rod up here.” He grabs her hand, bringing it up and showing her the different gears and how to count through them. Forgetting himself in his amusement, hand still on her fucking thigh. 

He laughs all the way home, and she thinks it’s worth the constant breaking she does in the middle of the road when she gets spooked by the speed of the car. The road is luckily empty, and the radio is drowned out by Stan’s commentary. She doesn’t mind the jabs at her newfound skill, and he takes jabs right back when she slams the break particularly hard and his head gets precariously close to the dash. She doubles over at that one, amused by the sudden shock on his face, but quickly distracted by the hand still on her fucking thigh. He thinks she looks nice like that, behind his wheel. 

They make it back to the shack in one piece, but he’s the one that has to reach over to shift the car back into park. 

He realizes when he looks back over at her, that he had forgotten his anger a while ago, and that his hand had made a new home on the soft of the back of her neck, moving from her thigh when he shifted gears. 

He would let her drive again, if it meant this. 

She’d admit she likes driving him, in particular, around. 

He’d just need to stock up on brake pads. 

[theesterianempire]

I'll be here - Spencer Reid x Y/N

Synopsis: Y/N has suffered from anxiety since she was young but since joining the BAU her anxiety has been kept in check, until one particularly bad case.  Luckily, Spencer is there to comfort her.

Trigger Warnings: Anxiety, anxiety attack, medication

Word count: 1579

Y/N was fourteen when it first happened.  She woke up confused about where she was and when she walked downstairs it didn’t feel like she was in control.  It felt like someone was controlling her, or like she wasn’t herself at all.  She went to school that day still feeling the same way and it was around morning break she started hearing it.  It was like a voice in the back of her head calling her name, telling him to wake up.

She made it through the rest of the day with the same feeling and voice in her head.  She tried to ignore the feelings and went by on autopilot and when she made it home she just sat upstairs doing her homework.  It wasn’t until dinner that night that when her parents asked her about it.

Y/N, her sister and father were sat at the dinner table when her dad turned to her sister.  “Hey Emma, would you mind letting Y/N and I talk for a minute?”

Y/N was confused but allowed Emma to leave.

“Y/N, are you feeling okay?” Your dad asked concerned dripping in his tone,

“I… uh… yeah…” Y/N replied unsurely,

“It’s okay, you can tell me anything?”  He asked knowing that Y/N wasn’t quite being honest.

“I just, I...  I think I’m coming down with something…”  Y/N replied.

Your dad didn’t think it was quite the truth but he knew he couldn’t force you into talking.  He also noticed that you looked off, slightly paler than usual so maybe it was partially true.

“Okay, why don’t you have a lie in tomorrow and I’ll tell the school you’re sick.”  He suggested.

“Are you sure?”  Y/N replied, “I don’t think I’m bad enough to miss school.” “I know Y/N but I can that you’re not okay.  Even if you’re not sick I want to keep an eye on it.”  He explained, worried about you.

The next day you were fine.  You still had time off but you were fine.  You spent the next few weeks happy, nothing was wrong.  It wasn’t until you were 17 that something happened again.  

You woke up one morning feeling on edge.  Like your whole body was about to launch into a panic attack.  You walked downstairs with hair slightly more dishevelled than usual and looking a little pale.

“You okay?”  Your dad asked concerned,

���Y… y… yeah…” Stuttered Y/N,

“Take a seat.” He commanded guiding you to the sofa.

You sat down leaning forward with your elbows on your knees.  You began chewing on the sleeve of your hoodie.  It wasn’t the first time you’d had had a panic attack but this one felt different, it was more intense.

You felt your breathing picking up slightly and the next thing you knew your dad thrust a paper bag in front of you.  You shakily took it, holding it to your mouth.

“Breathe.”  Your dad said as he put one hand over yours on the bag to help steady it.  He placed his other hand on your back rubbing soothing circles gently.  “It’s okay…”

When you calmed down a bit he spoke up again, “You’re doing so well…”  After another few minutes he declared, “You’re not going to school today.  I’ll phone the school once you’re more stable.”

Your dad sat and continued to soothe you.  He rubbed your back in circular motions and soon he felt you start to shake with sobs as you cried quietly.

“It’s okay…”  

Once your tears had died down you went and changed into some sweats and was sat on the sofa, where you stayed in a haze for the rest of the day.

——————————

You’d pretty much grown up having days like this but since you’d joined the BAU you’d yet to have one quite like it.  However, it was all too good to be true when you were sitting at a desk in a random precinct in a small town.  

A guy was kidnapping seemingly random children and dumping their bodies less than twelve hours later.  Half of the team were out surveying crime scenes while you were looking over evidence and paperwork to see if you could spot anything.  Another child had yet to be taken but if the unsubs timeline was anything to go by, another child would be reported missing in the next three hours.

As you flipped through photos your mind was in a daze; your eye sight slipping in and out of focus.  You couldn’t feel your body and your mind was all… fuzzy? There was a deep sense of dread building up inside of you and you didn’t quite know how to deal with what you were feeling.  You moved to rub your eyes but your hands felt numb.

You barely felt it when someone put a hand on your back, rubbing gentle circles.  You wanted to turn and see who the person was but you were too dizzy to move.

“Just breathe…” A voice off to the side of you spoke gently.

You felt the person move slightly beside you, the hand on your back rubbing a little harder.

“It’s okay…”  The voice repeated firmly.

You felt the dizziness overcome you quickly.  You slumped to the side barely conscious but trying so hard to hold on; to stay awake.  You didn’t realise that you’d fallen into the person next to you until you felt an arm hold you close.

“It’s okay, just let go… it’ll be over soon…” The voice said gently.

You felt the darkness over take you.

When you woke up you were lying on a small sofa with what felt like a soft pillow behind you.  You looked around, your mind still fuzzy.

You slowly sat up only to be pushed back down by strong hands.

“Hey… hey… it’s okay…”  Said the owner of the two hands,

You looked confused as Spencer came into view.

“You fainted…” He stated simply, “You were stuck in a pretty bad anxiety attack.  You were fading in and out of consciousness until I told you to relax.”  He explained, “You may be feeling a little unsteady for a while.  I uh… I found these in your bag. You should take them,” Spencer said, handing you two small white pills, your anxiety medication.

“And from experience and research I got you Gatorade to help with the dizziness and the energy loss.”  He finished before holding up a bottle.

“I… I’m sorry.” You stuttered as you sat up to take the pills.  As you did you realised that what your head was resting on wasn’t a pillow, but rather Spencer’s cardigan, neatly folded.

“Hey no…” He said sitting down on the side of the couch by your legs.  “It’s okay.  You don’t need to apologise to me.  You’re going through something and I just want to help you”.

“Thank you.”  You muttered quietly,  

“What’s wrong?”  Spencer asked gently

“I just… it’s embarrassing.  I mean, I didn’t want anyone to know and I…”

Before you could say anything else Spencer cut in, “It’s not embarrassing.  It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.  I’m glad I was here otherwise you’d have been going through that alone.  There’s nothing embarrassing about an anxiety attack, I know how scary they can be and it’s okay.”

You sat for a moment, waiting for your medication to kick in.

“How are you feeling now?”  Spencer asked after a few minutes,

“I…”  You started but the words died on your lips.

“Please, be honest with me,” Spencer urged,

“Bad…”  You muttered very quietly.

“What sort of bad?”  Spencer asked gently moving closer to you so he could make eye contact whilst still being close enough to comfort you if he needed to.

“My heart feels like its fluttering and my chest hurts.  I can’t quite get my head straight and… and I feel like I’m on the edge, like I could launch into another attack at any second.”

As you went on Spencer found the speed at which he spoke was increasing rapidly.  He knew he’d have to intervene soon if you continued like this.

“Hey… it’s okay…”  Spencer said placing a hand on your back to rub soothing circles as he had done earlier.  “I’m not judging you I just want to help you.”

You and Spencer sat like that in a comfortable silence for a while before you yawned.

“Are you tired?”  Spencer asked knowing the answer.

You nodded shyly.

“Why don’t you go to sleep for a while, I’ll be right here when you wake up.” Spencer suggested,

“But the case?” You question,

“Y/N, you can hardly work like this. Hotch will understand” He explained,

“You’re going to tell him?” You ask, fear in your voice,

“I have to, Y/N.  If you need support we’re all here for you but we can’t do that if we don’t know.” Spencer explained.

You nodded slowly, yawning again.

“Right, you get some sleep, okay?” Spencer said, moving so you could lie down again.

You smiled slightly at Spencer as he moved to sit on the floor by the sofa, placing the case file in front of him.

Your eyes fluttered furiously as you tried to stay awake.  Spencer turned to you and slowly moved his hand to stroke your hair gently.  You leaned into his touch, visibly relaxing.

“I’ll be right here…”  Spencer soothed as your eyes slipped closed and the sleep overcame you.

[finelinevogue]

insufferable

summary - you and emily have a soft moment together on the sofa

pairing - emily prentiss x reader

word count - 600

You woke up feeling warm.

A blanket had been draped over you that definitely hadn’t been there when you’d fallen asleep. You remember that because you had felt cold but also too tired to actually do anything about it.

“Oh hey, you.” Emily’s voice startled you.

You realised then that she was sitting on the couch and your head was resting on her lap. You looked up at her with a sleepy smile.

“Hey.” You said sleepily.

Emily had a glass of wine in hand that was resting on the sofa arm, her hair was down and her makeup taken off. She looked so domestic and so, so, pretty.

“You must’ve been tired.” She threaded her fingers through your hair, because she knew how much you loved it.

“I was. Work was… a lot.”

“Brian still giving you trouble? Because I swear I will–.”

“Em,” You chuckled, stopping her mid-threat, “No. I’m fine.”

“Yeah well I still want to punch him.” She took a sip of her wine and it was honestly the hottest thing ever.

It was kind of sick and twisted to get hot over watching your girlfriend threaten a man for you, but you didn’t care. Being in love just made you feel crazy.

“How was work?” You asked.

“Paperwork day.”

“Oh… That bad huh?”

Emily chuckled, placing her glass of wine on the table beside the sofa. She turned back to you and leant over your face to give you a soft kiss. It was a weird angle to receive a kiss from but you weren’t complaining about it.

“Better now.” Emily mumbled before kissing you once more.

“Are you this soft in front of your team?” You teased her, knowing the answer was no.

You knew Emily was a completely different person in front of you compared to her work team, but that was okay. You got to have the soft, tender and loving side of Emily. You got to comfort her when the work days became too much. You got to love her when she’d seen unspeakable things. You got to remind her that there was good in the world.

It was a privilege loving Emily Prentiss.

A privilege you would never take for granted.

You lifted a hand from underneath the blanket and scrunched and opened it in signal to Emily. She got the signal when her hand came down over you and took your hand in hers.

“Did you see the dinner plate I left on the side for you?” You asked.

“Yes, thank you baby.” She smiled at you.

“I tried making this fancy pasta dish but I ended up not having all the ingredients and you know I don’t like touching raw meat, so it just ended up being pasta in a sauce.”

“That’s perfect.”

“You’d say that about anything I cook. Probably even if I accidentally gave us food poisoning.” You teased her.

You and Emily both knew how rubbish you were at cooking. You were also a slight danger to yourself in the kitchen, so Emily often did the cooking whenever she could. Emily often said that she’s more likely to have an anxiety attack with you in the kitchen than being held at knifepoint by an unsub.

Whatever.

“Probably.”

“You’re insufferable.” You rolled your eyes.

Emily pointed her eyes at you as if to question what you’d just said to her.

“That’s just another way of me saying I love you.” You backtracked.

Emily nodded, raising her eyebrows in disbelief, “Really?”

“Mhm.”

“Well in that case, you’re insufferable too.”

[thebenjiblackwoodexpress]

Devil's Snare: Part. 11

Aemond Targaryen x reader

Description: Y/N is pregnant with Aemond's child. Of that she is certain. What she can't seem to figure out is how to tell him in the midst of a bloody war that has already cost them so much.

Previous part Dividers kindly provided by @zaldritzosrose

Writer's note: I literally can't apologise enough for the biggest hiatus of all time! I completely lost the ability to write at all and hated everything I did write. Then I met Ewan Mitchell and died for a bit, so finally I'm back resurrected. I have no idea if anyone will still want to read this story as it's been sooooo long but here's another part anyway. I said it would be the last but I've had to split it because of the length, so they'll be at least another one before I wrap it up. Thank you to all you lovely readers who made me want to finish this story xxx

Warnings: Female reader, mentions of vomiting for people with emetophobia, mix of fluff and angst, some suggestive content, a scene straight out of Star Wars Attack of the clones (Anidala for the win) Aemond being emotionally constipated but making up for it with grand gestures.

It was becoming increasingly difficult for Y/N to hide her condition from Aemond, who had become even more protective if that were possible. Under his ever perceptive eyes she had to make a concerted effort to conceal the waves of nausea that seemed to overcome her at the most inconvenient of moments. It had been a month since Y/N had first taken note of the absence of her womanly cycle and she could no longer prevaricate on the matter...she was pregnant with Aemond's child. At first she'd felt a pleasant warmth spread through her at the realisation, a spark of joy at the thought of seeing Aemond as a father. She'd even been excited to tell him as soon as she was certain of the fact, but each time she tried he seemed to be called away to an urgent council meeting or to scout the skies on Vhagar.

The perfect moment never presented itself as she'd hoped, allowing her anxieties to build and a new fear to rise up within her. As the war continued to consume Aemond's every waking hour, worsened by the splitting of the Blacks' cause into two fronts as Daemon pursued his own claim, Y/N feared Aemond would not be pleased with her news. After all, surely this was the worst possible time to bring a child into the world. They'd never even discussed children, and Y/N had no idea how her husband felt about becoming a father. Without his words to soothe her fears, Y/N grew more and more uneasy with her condition, particularly as she finally felt her stomach begin to swell. She feared for Aemond's reaction, for herself having heard many stories of the pains of chidlbirth. But mostly, she feared for the child she now carried. What would happen if Rhaenyra won the war. Would the child survive. Would any of them?

She was sure Aemond had noticed something was amiss by now by the way she constantly felt his gaze on her, following her every move, not unaware of the look of gentle concern his one eye held. Sleep regularly evaded her, evidenced by the dark hollows that now shaded her eyes. And Y/N had lost her appetite, plagued by bouts of sickness, which had her running to the nearest chamber pot. In the middle of the night, she regularly woke up in a sweat and had to prise Aemond's arms from her body, a difficult feat as he instinctively tightened his iron grip on her in his sleep. In a sense, she was lucky Aemond had normally already left their chambers by the time she felt the sharp tug in her abdomen that sent her running before the wretching started.

But she did miss him during the day when he was detained by the small council and their interactions were limited to stolen kisses and glimpses of one another in the gloomy halls of the Keep. It was selfish, she thought, to wish they could simply return to the way it had been before when they'd spent nearly all of their time together, whilst the war continued to loom over the Red Keep. But she sometimes she found herself longing for simpler times when they would spend hours sitting and talking together, when she was just his handmaiden and he a handsome Prince who'd deigned to grant her his attentions.

Y/N rested discreetly against a column just before the small council chamber. She'd hoped to at least catch a glimpse of her husband as the council dispersed for the morning, but even crossing the short distance from their chambers to this part of the Keep had tired her considerably, likely only a sign of the fatigue she should expect to experience in pregnancy. As the kingsguard opened the doors to the chambers and her eyes met Aemond's, she forgot her weary limbs and smiled as he immediately rushed to meet her. A few moments later, his arms were wrapped around her as he held her to him, spinning her before letting her down gently. He kept a light hold on her waist, grinning down at her.

"You've come to see your husband? I am glad of it. I was in need of seeing something beautiful."

Y/N blushed "I missed you." Aemond squeezed her waist gently, his expression sympathetic.

"I know. But once the war is won, we will always be together. I give you my word."

Y/N nodded, trying to push down her feelings of loneliness and her anxieties around the child she was now certain she carried. She hadn't realised she'd been staring steadfastly at the ground until Aemond tipped her chin up with a single elegant finger and pressed their lips together. The kiss was one of barely repressed hunger that spoke to Aemond's passion for her, she was glad had never seemed to dwindle. But she lightly pushed him away with a startled laugh, aware this was not the sort of kiss appropriate for members of the small council to see as they left the chamber.

"Not here, Aemond."

Aemond's gaze turned steely, his voice commanding.

"Yes, here."

And then he was kissing her again, just as feverishly as the first time, one large hand on the small of her back so she was pressed against him. Sighing and finding it increasingly difficult to care who saw them at the intoxicating feeling of Aemond's soft lips on hers, Y/N gave in fully and melted against Aemond. It was a cough that startled them both enough for the couple to break apart.

Aemond directed the full force of his icy gaze on Ser Criston Cole, an eyebrow raised expectantly.

"We have matters to discuss, my Prince."

To Y/N's slight disappointment, Aemond reluctantly released her, briefly pressing his lips to her forehead and whispering an apology before following the hand of the king back down the hall away from her.

Aemond rapped his fingers against the council table with irritation and barely repressed impatience. He felt he had only just won his wife back to him after his transgressions, and yet he was still separated from her, trapped for hours at a time within these same four walls. He understood that he was needed as the strongest sword in the Kingdom and the rider of Vhagar, and he did not intend to shirk his duty to his family in this war. But his eagerness to prove himself, his lust for vengeance, had both diminished as he was forced to bear witness first hand to the consequences of war. Now he wished to end the war as soon as possible, whatever this required of him. His hope that the war would soon come to an end was renewed by the estrangement of Rhaenyra and Daemon. Together, as a united front, they were stronger. Their separation had weakened both their claims and their stances in the war. Aemond was also aware of ravens passing between his mother and Rhaenyra each day, and he began to think it would not be long until Rhaenyra realised her cause was a hopeless one without Daemon and his dragon. Without Caraxes, she had no dragon to counter Vhagar. His uncle Daemon posed the greater threat. Each day brought news of the castles he had taken in the crown lands, and Aemond knew he would have to face his uncle soon to put an end to the war. Part of him relished the challenge, though he feared for his love and his family, should he fail.

"We will reconvene once I have had time to consider your arguments." Aemond realised he had let his mind wander as Aegon dismissed the small council, rising quickly to try and catch a moment with his wife before other matters inevitably called him away from her. He briefly considered running in the direction of their chambers, though he could not be certain to find her there. But was pleased to see his wife already waiting outside the council chamber for him, saving him the trouble. He felt incredulous of the sheepish smile she sent his way, as if she could believe even for a moment that he wouldn't always be pleased to see her. It was a false presumption he would have to remedy. Crossing the distance between them at lightning speed, he immediately took Y/N into his arms, her light giggle as he lifted her off her feet like a warming balm to his troubled mind. He refused to let go of her even once he'd placed her back down, running his hands up and down the dip in her waist. Having to spend so much time away from her side had made him miss her soft timidity and the rosy glow of her cheeks when she blushed. He was sure he had never seen a prettier sight, and he told her as much.

"I've missed you..."

It was difficult for Aemond to hear, to know she felt his absence so keenly. But he wished her to know it was not his desire to part from her side. He recalled expressing this to her when she'd rushed to his chambers to check on an injury he'd received in training. How he'd pulled her onto his knee and told her he always wanted her that close. He had meant it then and he was determined to finish what he had begun when he had slain Luke, to put an end to this war so Y/N would never have to doubt it again.

"I know. But once the war is won, we will always be together. I give you my word."

Though Y/N nodded, he could see the sadness her eyes held, the loneliness swimming in them, and he so desperately wanted to comfort her. Lightly tipping her chin up he pressed their lips together, trying to express with this kiss that he missed her too, that he loved her more than it was possible to say. Aemond felt himself groan in frustration as Y/N pushed him away with a laugh, despite the sweeteness of the sound to him.

"Not here, Aemond."

Was that all that concerned his wife? That people might see them? Aemond was a prince of the realm. They would just have to accept it as far as he was concerned or turn away if they did not. He wouldn't waste the precious few opportunities he had with Y/N of late worrying about tempering his affectation for her to meet the standards of others. And he would not allow her to feel any shame from the ardency of his love for her either. He was resolute on this matter.

"Yes, here."

He captured her soft lips again before she could raise any other ridiculous objections about him expressing his love for her, trying to convince her with each brush of his lips against hers how little the opinion of others mattered. He was glad this did not seem to take long as she pressed herself closer to him and sighed against his lips. Aemond could barely repress his anger at Ser Criston when he interrupted their embrace with his ill timed cough, trying what little patience he had left.

But, much to Aemond's chagrin, the hand of the king was right, they had pressing matters to discuss that could not wait. If Rhaenyra would not cede her claim, then they had plans to take Rook's Rest. This did not make it any easier for him to walk away from his wife when he could so plainly see her disappointment as he stepped away from her.

Aemond cursed as he faltered slightly midstep, hurrying back to his chambers for the evening. Darkness had long since cloaked the Red Keep in it's cold embrace, but he'd had no chance to escape from his duties until the hour had grown far too late for him to reasonably hope to spend any time with his beloved wife. He opened the door to their chambers tentatively, his tread quiet, the silence within a clear sign that Y/N had already retired for the evening. Aemond smiled at the image of Y/N curled up on the chaise, the book she'd been reading now sprawled on the ground, as if she'd been trying to stay awake for him. His heart warmed at the gesture, realising this must be true. Stepping forward, he crossed the room in measured strides, determined not to wake her but to situate her more comfortably if he could. Gathering her up into his arms, he'd only taken a few steps towards placing her on the bed before she was blinking up at him with bleary eyes. Any residual sleepiness was quickly replaced by a look of panic Aemond couldn't understand as Y/N urgently patted his shoulder.

"Put me down. Quickly."

Confused and a little put out by the less than warm reception, Aemond nonetheless placed Y/N back on her feet. Not a moment later, she had wrenched herself from his grip entirely, doubling over and holding her hand over her mouth. Alarmed, Aemond made to move towards Y/N only to be stopped in his tracks when she held a hand up to him.

"No don't, I'll be alright in a moment."

"If you are unwell, I shall call for a maestor."

Aemond was already moving towards the door, his own anxiety rising at the thought of his love being taken from him by some illness. Y/N's hand gripping his halted him once again as she weakly tugged him back towards her. "I'm not ill, Aemond."

Though Y/N had lowered her hand from her mouth and was now standing up straight, he was unconvinced by the greenish tinge of her pallor, frowning at her disregard for her health. It was not something he could so easily dismiss.

"I find that difficult to believe, my love."

Y/N closed her eyes, breathing deeply perhaps to fight off any remaining nausea.

Stepping closer to her and taking both her hands in his, Aemond lowered his voice to a gentle and encouraging whisper.

"Whatever is the matter, you can tell me my darling girl."

Y/N nodded, though her features only grew more pained and anxious by the second and he noted that she would not meet his eye though he tried to chase hers.

And then he felt his heart momentarily stop.

"I'm pregnant."

Y/N awoke with a start as she felt herself being lifted into the air, followed seconds later by a sharp pain shooting through her abdomen. Her brief confusion was short lived as she came to terms with two important facts. She'd fallen asleep in her attempt to wait for Aemond to return..and now she was going to throw up on him.

That thought had her frantically attempting to pull away from him in a frenzy of flurried movement and urgent cries for him to put her down, leaving him looking more than a little perplexed and put out with her. As soon as she was placed upright, Y/N launched herself away from Aemond, clamping a hand over her mouth in a desperate attempt to push down the bile she could feel rising in her throat. She didn't want this to be the way he found out about her condition. By the grace of the Seven, her concerted effort to take deep breaths was reducing the overwhelming nausea that had washed over her, leaving behind the realisation that she'd have to explain her strange behaviour to her husband, who seemed seconds away from bolting from the room to fetch the nearest maester. That didn't make it any easier to reveal the truth, and just like every other time she'd attempted to share her secret with Aemond, she became tongue-tied and nervous about his reaction. But when he held her hands so gently, squeezing them encouragingly, and spoke to her so softly, she lost control of her speech entirely.

"I'm pregnant."

As soon as she blurted out her confession she regretted it, for every muscle in Aemond's body seemed to freeze as his mouth fell open...and though several seconds passed in agonising silence he said nothing, only staring at her, frozen in either shock or horror.

Ripping her hands from Aemond's hold, Y/N turned her back to him, covering her face with her hands and ineffectively pressing her palms against her eyes to staunch the flow of tears and her crushing dissapointment at her husband's reaction. It had been worse than she had even feared. Her soft sniffles must have broken the spell that had frozen Aemond in place as she soon heard his boots clicking against the cold marble floor as he moved around her, warm large hands wrapping around her own to prise them from her face. Y/N fought against his attempts, not wanting to see the look of disappointment on his face she was sure she'd find.

"Look at me, please." He did not sound angry at least, rather uncertain. Did he think she'd lied to him? Would he have rather she had?

Reluctantly allowing Aemond to pull her hands back down to her sides, she was surprised to see what looked much more like wonder than horror in Aemond's eye, an almost dreamlike expression on his handsome features.

"Are you quite certain?" Y/N heard a definite tremble in his voice, and she nodded simply in response, not understanding his sudden change in demeanour. When he said nothing still, the only change being the widening of his eye, she felt her heart break a little more.

"Are you very unhappy with me?"

Aemond looked like he'd had a bucket of ice water thrown on him and had been abruptly woken from a dream. Reaching for her again and cupping each side of her face, he gazed at her with the utmost tenderness.

"Unhappy with you? I have never been more happy. Hush, my love. Don't cry. I did not mean to make you feel as if I were unhappy."

Y/N shook Aemond's hands off her and turned away from him again. She imagined she must look petulant, but she still felt hurt. Aemond's words did not reflect the fact that only moments before he'd looked completely stricken, and she feared he was only trying to appease her now.

"You looked horrified. I know it isn't the best time to bring a child into the world and there are more important matters you must attend to..."

"Nothing matters more now than you and our child."

Aemond cut her off in her ramblings, wrapping his arms around her and resting his head on her shoulder, though she remained turned away from him.

"I was surprised, but certainly not horrified. I've thought of you as a mother before when I saw you getting along so handsomly with my niece and nephew. I thought of you as the mother of my child. Even before we were married, the image was clear in my mind."

Aemond stroked a hand down her abdomen as if to convey the truth of his words, though her bump was still barely visible. Y/N twisted in his hold to face him, surprised by Aemond's admission. Seeming to sense an onslaught of questions, he continued before she could even pose one.

"I don't want you to worry about the war now. This is the happiest of news. This child...our child, is the greatest gift you could ever have given me and I will love them fiercely. I will not allow any harm to come to you or our child."

Y/N smiled, her heart warming as she observed that Aemond's one good eye glistened slightly. She could see now that she'd mistaken his reaction and nearly sighed with relief. But their shared happiness couldn't qwell her curiosity.

"You said you had thought about us having children together before."

Aemond quirked an eyebrow up at her train of thought.

"Yes." He answered, almost like a question.

Y/N swallowed thickly, thinking of how to ask her question.

"You never mentioned a wish to have children to me before. How long have you thought of it?"

Aemond's expression softened as he tenderly tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, grazing his knuckles along her cheek as he did so.

"If I'm understanding what I think your truly asking, then I'll simply tell you that as soon as I realised I loved you, I knew I wanted you to be my wife and the mother of my children. It's not a thought I had before you, everything I wish for my life begins and ends with you."

Cursing her heated cheeks, Y/N all but barrelled into Aemond, wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing her cheek into his doublet. Aemond responded to her embrace quickly, laughing at the suddeness of her actions, and began to stroke her hair softly.

Y/N was embroidering a blanket for the baby in the hazy afternoon light when Aemond bounded into their chambers grinning at her. She could tell he was brimming with excitement and had his hands curiosuly clasped behind him as if he were trying to conceal something from her view.

"I've brought you something, my love."

Y/N rose from her seat and tried to peer around him, but Aemond continuously thwarted her efforts until she finally agreed to close her eyes and hold her hands out.

"I went to the Dragon pit this morning to choose an egg for our little dragon. This one was hatched by Dreamfyre. I thought it fitting since you and Helaena are so close." Y/N felt a burst of affection rise within her at Aemond's excitement, and this act of affection towards their unborn child. She knew that it was customary for a dragon egg to be placed in the cradle of a Targaryen prince or princess, but she also understood this tradition must have a special significance for Aemond whose dragon egg had failed to hatch. The corner of her lips lifted at the nickname Aemond had given their baby.

Once the surprise object was placed into her hands she almost dropped it from the heat it exuded, almost as if it were a very large boiled egg. But eggs were never so tough and scaley...except for dragon eggs. She opened her eyes to meet Aemond's expectant look.

"Little dragon?"

Aemond's smile only widened. He knelt before her, placing his hands on either side of her waist and resting his cheek against her now noticeable bump.

"Yes, our little dragon. She'll be a fiersome dragon rider just like her father."

Y/N placed their child's dragon egg on the seat she'd just vacated. Each scale was tipped with a dark blue hue that almost blended in with it's coal black surface, ensuring that it unmistakably belonged to Helaena's dragon. She couldn't help but feel it was perfect, and she raised her hands to tangle them in Aemond's hair, running her fingers through the silver strands.

"A princess then?' Y/N asked, amused by his confidence.

Aemond nodded resolutely in her arms, tickling her abdomen as his eyepatch grazed across it.

"I am sure of it. A Targaryen princess with all the beauty and kindness of her mother."

Aemond had spent far longer than he truly had time for carefully selecting a dragon egg for his baby. It was an important tradition for his House, but to him it felt like more. He never wanted his child to feel like an outsider as he had done all his childhood with no dragon of his own. He was determined his child should never face the loneliness he had, the jeers from his own brother and cousins, that instead they should feel loved and secure, that they truly belonged.

Aemond had spoken to Y/N many times of Targaryen traditions, but he did not know until he placed the dragon egg in her hands if she would understand fully how much this simple tradition meant to him. But when she graced him with a resplendent smile, he immediately knew that somehow she did.

I want someone to spin me around like that. It just looks so fun! Also Ewan Mitchell is the nicest person ever and I briefly held his hand and I'm deceased aaaah

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[lightsoutletsgo]

anxiety gremlin — op.81

pairing: oscar piastri x anxious!reader

word count: 3.5k

warnings: mentions of anxiety and generalised anxiety disorder, description of physical symptoms including; nausea, headaches, sweaty hands, stomach pains, brain fog, mental struggles, mentions of panic attacks but reader doesn’t experience one, mentions of food and making food related decisions. PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!  hello loves! this one is very personal to me and it was a pretty selfish write tbh... I wasn't sure if I should post it but I decided to do it in the hopes that it brings people some comfort. Oscar's dialogue at the end is a message that I, as the author, want to remind you all. you've got this, even if it doesn't feel like it! happy reading love mimi

Sometimes, it felt as though the world was out to get you. You faced the world and your flight, fight or freeze instincts kicked in. When you woke up, it seemed like it was going to be one of those days. That unexplainable feeling of nausea turning your stomach and an unexplainable headache pulled at the back of your head. Your jaw tensed as the nausea hit you in another wave and you forced yourself to roll over and close your eyes. Maybe if you could get back to sleep you’d wake up feeling better. Your mind however, had other ideas. Instead, deciding to send you down the spiral of impending doom - a lovely gift first thing in the morning. Thoughts whizzed through your head; Why did you feel so nauseous? Why did your head hurt? Had you forgotten something? What were your plans for the day and was that why this horrible feeling was creeping up? You sat up, accepting that you wouldn’t be falling back asleep and decided to get ready for the day. Perhaps a shower would help? The warm water was soothing as it rushed over you and whether it was the heat or the steam or the fact you were doing something to distract yourself, for a moment you felt a little better. Exiting the shower you decided that while the nausea had subsided, it would be a good time to start hydrating and maybe think about eating something. Your phone rang and dragged you from your internal rambling, “Hi baby!” You smiled, despite the fact that your boyfriend couldn’t see you, “Good morning angel,” You could hear Oscar’s dopey lovesick grin through the phone, “how did you sleep?” You set him down on loudspeaker as you got dressed, “I slept okay! How about you?” “I would have slept better if you didn’t keep stealing the blankets…” You gasped, “I do not!” Oscar laughed, “You absolutely do! One night I’m going to record you for evidence.” You giggled, “You do that baby.” Oscar nodded then realised you couldn’t see him, “I’m just calling to find out what you want for breakfast? I figured I’d stop off at that little cafe that you like on my way home.” You gulped, you had no clue what you wanted or how to decide, “I’d love that, thank you handsome!” You thought frantically for a solution, “Uhh you can choose for me! I trust you!” There was a pause on the other end of the line, “Are you sure angel?” “Yup, mhm, so sure!” “O-okay…” After making Oscar promise to drive safely, you hung up. 

You realised that for a moment while talking to Oscar, you hadn’t even thought about feeling anxious but it was as if that realisation had summoned the feeling back. All of a sudden your hands felt shaky and it was hard to focus on anything but the disconcerting feeling in your chest. Sitting down on the couch you did your best to control your breathing. Sometimes you wished that it would just turn into a panic attack and be done with. Anything would be better than this on-off-on-off situation. It was like feeling a sneeze that wouldn’t leave your body. Unsatisfying and unsettling. 

The front door opening made you snap your head up and you realised that subconsciously you had been rubbing your hands on your sweatpants to try and get rid of the clammy feeling. You shook your head and smiled as Oscar walked through the door, you were just a little bit anxious, it was no big deal. 

Oscar beamed at you as he entered the living room. He noticed that you seemed distracted and almost a little shifty. Your eyes kept darting around the room and your hands were absentmindedly picking at a loose thread on the hem of your t-shirt - a habit you usually despised because it had the potential to ruin your clothes. He said nothing, just walked through the room to the kitchen and placed down the paper bags filled with breakfast. “You okay there angel?” You nodded at him but it wasn’t enough to reassure him, “Are you sure?” You nodded once more, why now of all times were you feeling sick again? You sat there grinding your teeth together and clenched your jaw, feeling too sick to open your mouth and reply. You wanted to reply, you really did! But your brain had decided that words were a step too far. “Did you do something while I was out, hmm?” Oscar joked but all it did was make you more anxious, ‘was he angry?’, ‘was he going to shout at you?’, ‘breakup with you?’, “Come on troublemaker, you can tell me!-” “Nothing! Nothing happened! Now will you please stop asking.” You snapped, immediately clapping a hand across your mouth in shock before the tears were welling up in your eyes. “Oscar I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry baby I shouldn’t have snapped… Please don’t be angry!” You rambled a million miles an hour as your hands began rubbing and grabbing the material of your sweatpants again, not even realising your breathing had turned heavy and you were sweating. Oscar stood there in shock, he had never seen you like this before, was this because of him? He slowly approached you, not sure of the issue and not sure how to resolve it. “It’s okay angel, it’s okay” He held his hand out to you but you shook your head, talking through a clenched jaw in the hopes it would help the queasy feeling in your stomach, “Hands sweaty.” Oscar nodded, “Okay then, can I sit next to you?” You nodded, he gently took a seat next to you, careful not to jostle or jolt you, “Is this a medical emergency?” You shook your head, “do I need to call an ambulance?” You shook your head once more, feeling like you wanted to cry.

How embarrassing that you were having an episode like this in front of your boyfriend after hiding it so well for so long. And even more embarrassing that you couldn’t tell him what was going on let alone why you felt the way you did, “Is this a panic attack?” You shook your head no. Oscar made a little ‘oh’ and sat quietly next to you, unsure of what to say or do. You took a deep breath and forced yourself to open your mouth, despite how heavy your tongue felt. “I’m just a bit anxious.” “What about?” You shrugged, “Nothing. Everything. Hard to explain.” Oscar smiled at you through your one word answers and short sentences, “Well I can wait, it’s okay.” You nodded, hands starting to tingle with how long you’d been rubbing them against fabric and you winced as a sudden cramping feeling started in your stomach. Oscar seemed to notice your discomfort, “Please let me hold your hand angel, I promise I don’t care if it’s sweaty and you think it’s gross, I just want to help okay?” You nodded, breathing deeply and letting him take your hand in his. 

As soon as your hand was in his, his thumb was rubbing gentle circles over the back of your hand. A soothing motion that you let your eyes focus on. Watching his hands and how they moved, anything to keep your attention off of the anxious feeling. 

As he sat next to you Oscar wondered how he should approach you to talk about this. Clearly there was something you weren’t telling him. He thought he knew what it was and he understood why you hadn’t told him. He knew that people got anxious, hell he was always anxious before a race, but he also knew that for some people it went beyond unsettling feelings. He guessed that that’s what you were dealing with too. He’d seen Logan feeling like this a few times and so he wracked his brain to try and remember what the American had told him was useful. How about distraction? It was worth a shot! “Want to watch a film?” You nodded, eyes still laser focused on Oscar’s hands. “I knew you had a thing for my hands but you are allowed to blink you know.” He joked, cracking the smallest sound of an exhale of laughter from you, that was a start. “What film should we watch, hmm?” He grabbed the remote to start flicking through options, his hand never leaving yours, but aware that there was enough space between you so you didn’t feel smothered. “I think something cute and funny? Yes that’s a goooood plan Oscar.” You gave a weak smile once more as he talked to himself and he smiled at you, “how about Tangled?” You nodded and he selected the film, settling back into the couch, head looking at you once more, “Do you want to cuddle?” You shook your head and he just shrugged, wanting to keep you as comfortable as possible,  “That’s okay, you just let me know when you do, okay?” You nodded and he squeezed your hand to comfort you, “Do you want to sit back on the couch?” Your body was still tightly wound and feeling like a live wire so you shook your head, physically unable to relax. And still all Oscar did was smile at you.

As the film started, you did your best to focus on it, finding yourself unable to stop smiling and releasing some of the tension in your shoulders at various points when your boyfriend spoke the lines along with the characters, with facial expressions. You watched on screen as Rapunzel and Flynn entered the Ugly Duckling Pub and you realised your body finally felt relaxed enough to sit back against the couch. Oscar silently breathed a sigh of relief, all he wanted to do was fix it for you but he knew that he could only do so much. 

By the time the next song had finished, your body was subconsciously leaning against him. Your head rested on his shoulder and he gently tilted his head to rest on top of yours. You gave a little contented sigh. As you sat there, a wave of tiredness hit you, the physical symptoms and mental strain you’d been feeling since you woke up taking its toll. With Oscar’s warm body next to you and the comforting sounds of one of your favourite movies on screen, it wasn’t long before you felt your eyes beginning to slowly close. Oscar looked down at you and saw that your lashes had fluttered shut. He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of your head and let his own eyes slip shut. 

When you woke up a couple of hours later, the TV was off and you were laying on the couch with a soft blanket covering you. You sat up and sleepily rubbed your eyes, “Osc?” You heard low music drifting through the door to the kitchen and you could hear Oscar mumbling to himself and humming along, cursing occasionally when pots and pans clanged together. He poked his head out from the kitchen door, “There’s my pretty girl. Good morning angel.” He cooed at you and the way you blinked back at him sleepily. “What time is it?” “It’s lunchtime! I was just reheating breakfast.” You nodded, sitting up and pulling your knees up to your chest as he padded across the room to take a seat at the end of the couch by your feet, “I’m sorry.” Oscar’s eyes searched your face as you looked down at your hands in your lap. Oscar’s hand rested on your knee, “Angel, you never have to apologise for something like that…” He trailed off, hesitant to ask you his next question, “do you want to talk about it?” You inhaled slowly, nodding, “Yeah I think I would.” He gently nudged you with his elbow and you shifted back to let him sit in front of you, both of you sitting cross legged. He held his hands out to you and you took them with a shaky exhale.  

“Umm… I’m not exactly sure how to explain it?” You admitted, your fingers playing with his own in an effort to keep yourself grounded as that familiar feeling of your shoulders tightening and nausea creeping up began to settle in. He followed your gaze, “That’s okay, we have all the time in the world. Explain it however you feel is easiest.” You nodded once more, “So obviously you noticed that I was feeling anxious,” He tilted his head to one side to show you he was listening as you continued, “That’s because I have generalised anxiety disorder. And the thing is… I feel like that most of the time.” You admitted shakily, desperately willing yourself not to cry. If Oscar was surprised or taken aback he didn’t show it, instead just linking your hand with his and squeezing, encouraged you continued, 

“There are good days and there are bad days but I’m always anxious… There’s this constant feeling of underlying panic or anxiety or this sense of impending doom.” You looked up and noticed how Oscar’s eyes searched yours, willing you to understand that he wasn’t going anywhere, “I feel nauseous, I feel shaky, my hands get clammy, sometimes it’s like I forget how to breathe, my head and stomach hurt for no reason, my head goes fuzzy and it’s hard to focus on anything but the feeling of how anxious I am…” “Baby…” Oscar breathed, you gave him a watery smile, tears filling your lash line, 

“It makes me irritable, it makes me bitchy, it makes me snap at people I love, it makes me sensitive and emotional, I cry a lot, I cancel plans at the last second, I keep to myself and I build my walls up…” You trailed off, meeting his gaze and noticing that his eyes were filling with tears too, “Sometimes it feels like I’m two people. Me and my anxiety.” You couldn’t help the way the tears fell with a choked sob, “Angel, can I please please give you a hug?” Oscar pleaded, itching to pull you into his arms and comfort you. 

You nodded through your sobs, finally feeling the huge emotional release that had been building since you’d woken up. He reached for you, gently grabbing your arms and pulling you forward onto him. Falling back against the arm of the couch with you against his chest as you both stretched your legs out. He held you for what felt like forever, tightly wrapping his arms around you and stroking your hair, gently murmuring to you and kissing your forehead. When your sobs had subsided a little, he wiped your cheeks, “My sweet girl…” He gently pressed kisses across your face, relishing in the way your crying eased and you let out a little sigh after each one, “Thank you so much for telling me angel.” He paused, “Can I ask why you didn’t tell me before?” He asked gently. You sighed, fisting his t-shirt in your hand as you fought the nervous feeling that made your stomach flip. His hand rubbed up and down your back in a soothing motion as he felt you tense up in his arms, “I’m not mad at you baby, I just want to know what I can do differently in the future. I’d hate it if you didn’t feel safe enough to come to me for help.” You nodded, nuzzling into his chest, attempting to block out the world and focus on Oscar. Just Oscar. 

“Everyone I’ve told has left…” You mumbled sadly, “Hmmm?” His voice was soft, like he didn’t want to scare you out of answering, “I told a few people growing up, uni friends and stuff, and they would always answer with the usual ‘oh yeah I feel anxious too’... Until I explained I had diagnosed anxiety disorder and then,” you sighed, “then they would tell me it was too much for them to deal with, or they would get mad at me for ruining plans, or tell me to just get over it when I tried to talk to them about it.” Oscar’s hold on you tightened a little as he felt a spark of anger burn inside him. How dare they? Anyone could see that you were trying your best, he gave you his full attention as you continued, “I guess all of those things mean that I have a hard time opening up and trusting people with the knowledge of my diagnosis because it’s always backfired… Please don’t be mad at me… I do trust you, I just…” “Hey,” Oscar’s voice was low to ensure he didn’t trigger you, “I’m not mad or disappointed at you baby, I’m frustrated with myself for not noticing sooner.” “I’m pretty good at hiding it,” you admitted, the two of you led there in silence for a moment before Oscar spoke again, “Well I’m beyond proud of you. For dealing with it everyday and for opening up to me.” You tilted your head up to look at him and pressed a soft kiss to his jawline, “Thank you for listening.” He smiled back down at you, “Of course.” 

You summoned up the courage to ask him the question that had been on your mind for a little while, “H-how did you know how to help?” Oscar breathed deeply for a second, “There’s someone on the grid who uhhh, struggles with the same thing. They’ve opened up to me and explained what helps them so I figured I’d try?” You pushed yourself up to look at him in surprise, “Someone on the grid?” Oscar nodded, “I won’t say who, because it’s their thing to disclose and explain,” You nodded, “Of course!” “But they’re doing their best to work on things and ask for help and they’ve been doing really well.” Oscar made a mental note to ask Logan if he would consider talking to you. “Well, Tangled was a great choice!” You giggled as Oscar nuzzled his nose into your neck, “Yeah? I wanted to pick something that wouldn’t make you feel worse.” You couldn’t help the way you threw your arms around him and cuddled into him, so thankful for him and the thought and care he gave to you. “I love you.” It was muffled against his chest but he knew what you wanted to say and so with a chuckle he kissed the top of your head, “I love you too, angel.”

You stayed there for a moment before he was gently pushing you to sit up so he could look into your eyes, “I want to say something.” He hesitated and you nodded at him to continue. He gently held your chin with one hand, keeping you looking at him as his other hand found yours in your lap, linking his fingers with yours and squeezing, despite the way your hands were starting to get a little clammy again, “You may have anxiety disorder but it’s not who you are, baby.” Your eyes widened, he continued, “You are not your diagnosis. There is so much more to you than that. You are kind and caring, you’re smart, you’re beautiful, you’re creative.” Your heart melted at how passionately he was speaking. “You’re loved and valued by me and so many others, angel… I love you, the anxiety gremlin that comes with you and all.” You giggled at how he referred to it, “Anxiety gremlin… I like it!” He smiled, kissing your nose, you scrunched it up and he kept talking, “I know I can’t fix it and make it go away, believe me baby I wish that I could. But I promise that I’ll be here through all the bad days and the good days. I’ll do everything I can to make it easier and more bearable for you.”

You couldn’t help the way you started crying again, happy tears this time, Oscar’s thumb gently wiping them away, “So when you’re feeling up to it, we’re gonna sit down and talk about how I can help. What I can do when you’re having a bad day, the things we can do together, how you like to be distracted, how I can help when we’re out in public, maybe a codeword?-” You giggled as he started speaking faster and faster, you stopped his rambling with a soft kiss, pressing your lips to his, your hand cupping his face, thumb rubbing over his cheek, “That sounds perfect baby, thank you.” Oscar kissed you once more, pulling you into him, “You just let me know when you’re ready.” You nodded, “I will, I promise.” “Good! But for now, we still need to eat our breakfast!”

[gothsoyl]

┊┊┊⁺ ⁺ DECEMBER CHALLENGE

"A treatment" +18

lenny busker x reader

word count: 1,3k

summary: you're in a mental hospital because of your anxiety and panic attacks. she's your... you don't know how to call her. maybe she's your buddy here since she was the first who offered you some kind of comfort. she lets you take her dessert and listen to music in her headphones.

to be honest, you didn't see any point in going to a psychiatric hospital. you were just a little anxious... just a couple of panic attacks a month. that's not a cause for concern, is it? for a while, you really thought that's what most people face.

it wasn't until things got worse that you finally listened to your psychiatrist's persuasions. he said it would be better this way. he said they'd help you there. and you agreed.

but did you have any other choice? your anxiety didn't really allow you to work, and you were afraid to go outside for fear of another panic attack. not to mention that you were also afraid to be at home, because if you had a panic attack, you would be left alone.

everything was strange in the psychiatric hospital – there were strange people here, even those who were treated here laughed at. and you felt sorry for them, even though you couldn't help them.

one of the first days, you were sitting in the cafeteria for lunch. a man in a wheelchair is sitting in front of you, viscous saliva is flowing from his mouth, and no matter how disgusting this sight might be, you couldn't bring yourself to tear your eyes away and start eating.

and, let’s just say, you didn't have much appetite after that.

“oh my God.”

you flinch when you suddenly hear a woman's voice next to you. you didn't even notice how she sat next to you.

“what do you think he ate that makes his saliva so viscous?”

you swallow nervously and look first at the man and then at the woman next to you. she's tapping out a strange rhythm with her fingers on the cassette player and looking at you with a strange twinkle in her eyes, and everything inside you is sinking with panic.

and what should you tell her? you don't want to seem weird or anything... but is it weird at all to try to look normal in a psychiatric hospital? 

“I don't know...” you finally shrug and look at the cherry pie on the table. for some reason, you feel strangely embarrassed next to her, and the man opposite has long since left your thoughts.

“are you going to finish eating, or should I continue talking about his saliva?” the girl puts her hand on the table and supports her cheek with it, looking at you at the same time so attentively and so indifferently.

you're about to nod, but you glance at her headphones and cassette player.

“if you let me listen to music,” a slight smile touches your lips and the girl opposite laughs loudly and pretentiously, and you already think that you have said too much. but the she finally calms down and takes off her headphones, putting them on the table along with the player. you chuckle and slide her a plate with a piece of pie, concluding your agreement.

***

lenny busker.

you learned her name after a couple of weeks of your communication. for some reason, every time you asked what her name was, she changed the subject, or told you to call her whatever you wanted. 

It pissed you off, but you didn't really argue. you loved her company after all.

she was funny and constantly calmed you down when you had a panic attack – she just sat next to you and when you felt a little better, she gave you her headphones and turned on some old song that you hadn't heard in a hundred years.

you felt better with her. It's like everything was really okay with you, even if you're both not quite “normal.”

***

one night you woke up to the creaking of your own bed. you immediately tensed up, feeling a sudden wave of anxiety, and tried to get up to see what was going on, but immediately felt someone's hand on your shoulder and a quiet, familiar whisper, “shh... it's just me.”

you immediately freeze, not knowing what to do or how to behave.

“what are you doing here?” you ask quietly as she did and want to look at her, but she squeezes your shoulder harder, not allowing you to turn around. your throat gets dry and you don't even know what's going on. so many bad thoughts fill your head, but you try to get rid of them, telling yourself that lenny would never hurt you.

you lick your lower lip when her free hand wraps around your waist and pulls you closer to her. her hot body is pressed against your back and she leans so close that you can feel her breath on your skin.

“I just decided to check if you were okay,” her voice is saturated with playfulness and she gently bites your earlobe, making you shudder unconsciously. 

“I'm fine,” you say, and your whole face starts to burn red with shame and excitement. you're not entirely sure that your psychiatrist was talking about it when he sent you to a mental institution.

“I see,” lenny hums, and her lips slowly slide over your neck, leaving wet kisses, “just relax and we'll start the treatment.”

you can feel your body slowly starting to relax under lenny's gentle and assertive touches, even if your brain is still sounding the alarm. you're used to it – your brain is always on alert and afraid of everything, even if it's something minor or something you've done a hundred times before. It pisses you off. you're tired, so you don't resist.

you'd be lying if you said you'd never thought about what it would be like to kiss lenny. you're lying if you say you don't want her at a time when you can literally feel her heartbeat.

you close your eyes and try to push away the annoying thoughts. a sigh escapes your lips when lenny's fingers get under your t-shirt, scratching the delicate skin with her nails and squeezing your breast until it aches pleasantly. her lips are still exploring your neck, leaving barely noticeable hickeys and biting in some places only to run her tongue later.

your body shudders as she slowly pulls off your panties and the cool air touches your bare skin. lenny just grunts and nuzzles your hair at the back of your neck, inhaling your scent.

“I could do this for days on end...”

she laughs low, her fingers moving between your folds, collecting all the moisture, and you just bite your lip, trying not to moan at her every touch. you'd like to answer her, but you're afraid it might be louder than you planned. and the last thing you want is for the paramedics to come running at the noise and find you like this.

“come on...” you squeeze out such weak words, but it's enough for lenny, who slowly begins to insert her fingers into you, teasing and not letting you fully feel her. you move your hips, trying to speed up the process, but she doesn't let you – she presses you to the bed with her free hand and continues to tease. her movements are slow and measured, and you're one second away from begging her. 

“please, lenny...” you whimper, burying your face in the pillow, your own fingers grab the blanket out of desperation, and only then do you begin to feel the brutal thrusts. lenny whispers something in your ear, but you can't make out what it is.

you feel too good at this moment and you don't have a single thought in your head. just lenny's fingers, stretching you from the inside out, forcing you to grab the pillow with your teeth just to keep from moaning.

the bed starts to creak even more, and you move your hips towards it, before your walls contract for the last time, hugging lenny's fingers and your body begins to tremble from orgasm. you're breathing fast and hard, and your legs are still shaking from everything that happened, even after lenny pulls his fingers out of you with a wet sound.

she doesn't press you to the bed anymore, but even so, you can't turn to her – the treatment went so well that you no longer have the strength.

only for the second session.

[evie-sturns]

𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐯𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐫 - 𝐌𝐚𝐭𝐭 𝐒𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐨

summary: you and matt get trapped in an elevator together, resulting in matt having an extreme anxiety attack.

contains: fluff, comforting, panic/anxiety attack, swearing, crying.

--------------------.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·.-----------------—-

matt and i have been dating for about 5 months, i'm well aware of the fact he has anxiety, and he knows i'm always here for him. he's never had a full anxiety attack in front of me but i have comforted him mutiple times.

"which floor are we going to?" i ask, stepping into the elevator with matts hand intertwined with mine.

"ground floor." matt mumbles before placing his phone back in the pocket of his baggy jeans.

he's been on edge the whole day, i know matt's had a stressful day full of meetings.

i push the 'lobby' button before stepping back into matts arms.

suddenly the elevator drops, and with a loud bang half of the lights go out.

"what the fuck did you do!" matt shouts, his voice slightly shaky.

"i just pressed the button i don't know!" i stammer, stepping away from matt.

"oh my fucking god." he says, his voice shaky.

"matt its okay, we'll just call someone hm?" i whisper, pulling him into a hug.

"my phones fucking dead, honestly 10 seconds ago it ran out of battery." matt sighs, running a trembling hand through his hair.

silence fills the dim elevator, i left my phone on matt and i's bed back at home.

"matt.." i say softly. matt looks over at me, i can see his worried features through the lighting of the elevator. matt hums as a response "my phones at home.. on the bed."

"for fucks sake!" he groans, i can tell see hes on the verge of tears from the tone of his voice. he sits down on the floor, throwing his head in his hands as his body starts to shake.

my eyebrows twist, i plop down on the floor next to matt. "hey hey.. it's gonna be alright?" i assure him, holding his hand still.

a broken sob exits matts mouth as he covers his face with one hand. "matt, can you lay down for me sweetheart." i say gently, pulling his ringed hand away from his face.

his face is drenched in tears, his eyes swollen and bloodshot.

"oh baby." i coo, matt lays his head down in my lap as he takes shaky breaths. i start talking about my day to distract him, atleast try to.

"you know i woke up to the sound of nick cooking downstairs, when was the last time he cooked? and why'd he have to do it on a saturday morning at 7:00am."

-

it’s been around 1 hour, matt still hasn’t calmed down.

i take a deep breath, letting a silence fill the small elevator but it's shortly cut off by another cry from matt, his head jolts in my lap.

"matt, do you want to sit up for me?" i say, readjusting my back against the wall of the elevator. matt nods, with a huff he sits up. he leans his head against my chest.

"copy my breaths matt," i whisper, intentionally taking deep breaths in and out.

i rub his shoulder comfortingly,

suddenly loud knocks come from the outside of the elevator, matts head instantly snaps up off my chest, i hear his sobs instantly stob as matt stands up, pulling me up with him by the palms of my hand.

"hey is anyone in there?" a deep voice calls out.

"uh-.. yeah me and my boyfriend are." i yell back, looking back at matt who is standing awkwardly, slightly hunched over and fidgeting with the knuckles of his fingers.

with a loud bang the door to the elevator pries open, i look down at several firemen, who are down a floor, but are visible through a small gap.

"you two are gonna have to slide through that gap, we will help you onto the floor okay?" one of the men shouts.

i get on my hands and knees before laying flat on my stomach, shimming my way through the foot tall gap. "you're okay sweetheart." one of the workers says, letting me fall down a meter into their arms.

i quickly get placed back on my feet, my head instantly turns back to look at matt, who has also crawled through.

-

i take a deep breath as i open the door to the car, "i can drive.." i say calmly. matt gets into the passenger seat, slumping down in the chair.

we've been driving for a few minutes in silence, matt seem's very off. i'm assuming its just from the panic attack.

"i love you matt." i say, tapping the wheel gently.

"love you too.." matt says, his voice barely audible and wobbling.

i look over at him, "matt, we're safe now you're okay, yeah?" i assure him.

"no, i just feel bad, i feel like a fucking... baby with how much i cry infront of you."

my eyebrows instantly furrow "matt no. don't say that."

----

10 months later.

im sitting in bed aimlessly, i know matts gone out to film a video at a haunted place or something.

my phone lights up with a loud sound, 'Matthew imessage'

i pick up my phone, matts texted me several times. "no way." i laugh, my eyes scanning over everything hes sent.

matt 💗

"y/n. i just had to go in a haunted elevator with the fucking ghosts"

"i was on the verge of tears i swear the ghosts tried to take me into the afterlife."

--------------------.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·.-----------------—-

i literally can’t tell if this is good but thanks for the request

[wlwsoccerfics]

The Troll inside my head(KimLittleXReader)

A/N:this Is just my experience with adhd. Doesn't have to be like that for Others.

Warnings: ADHD Reader, angst, self doubt

Summary: your adhd brings you down sometimes and makes you feel terrible. Your girlfriend is there to pick up the pieces and Show you how loved you are.

It was in the middle of the night, around 3am. You couldn't sleep. Your brain wouldn't let you rest. Many different thoughts running through your mind, all at once and all of them really loudly. Like they wanted to make sure you heard them. You felt like screaming. Only thing that kept you from it, was the fact that your beautiful girlfriend, who had the Patience of an Angel was asleep next to you. And you didn't want to wake her. It was enough that you were dealing with this. You didn't want to make your sleep issues her Problem too.

You got out of bed so you wouldn't wake her. Grabbing some fresh clothes and two towels, making your way into the bathroom. Taking a hot shower. Breathing in and out gently. You imagine that you are on the pitch. Focusing on not letting a ball past you. So No one would score a Goal against you. There were times when you didn't have all those thoughts running through your head like little Trolls, trying to cause Chaos. One was when you were on the pitch, being a Goalkeeper. You did an amazing job there. Or when you could hyperfocus on something else you really liked. For example when you build your Lego Sets. You can do that for hours on end. Only Problem when you hyper Focus on something is you forget about everything else.

After your shower you wrapped yourself in a big towel and then used a smaller one for your hair. Putting on a Sports bra and some panties your Trainings Shirt and Long pants. Then last but not least some white socks. it now was 4am now. You knew you wouldn't be able to rest, so you decided to listen to a Podcast about Harry Potter. Another one of your Obsessions. You sat on the Couch in the livingroom. The Podcast was on Low Volume, playing through the speakers of the Alexa. Something was different though.

Today you couldn't Focus on the Podcast. Your anxiety was rising up. Your mind going back to the last game. You were thinking about the two Goals that were scored against you. In your head all you heard was 'everyone else would have saved those!' and the disappointed and hate for yourself was back. You got up from the Couch, pacing back and forth. A panic attack was approaching. Fast, like lightning.

Your girlfriend slowly walked into the livingroom, half asleep. That changed when she saw you struggling to breath. She quickly made her way over to you. Placing her hands on each side of your face.

"Babe! Hey, Look at me, i am here! I got you! You are not alone." She told you, her voice soothing. She then pulled you close. Pressing her Body against yours. Swaying from Side to Side with you. She knew that worked for you when you had a panic attack. You placed your head against Kims shoulder. Breathing in and out slowly. The smell of her Shampoo was very calming.

"s-sorry." You whispered against her shoulder. She gently stroked your Hair.

"what are you sorry for Baby? You did nothing wrong." Kim whispered out. Gently sitting down on the Couch with you still very much holding onto her.

"you woke up really early cause i was probably too loud and annoying and then you walk in on me being a mess." You told her. She gently put a Hand under your chin now, pushing your face Up gently so you would look at her.

"listen to me please, you weren't loud or annoying. I did wake up cause i missed the warmth of your Body in bed. This isn't your fault at all. You can get out of bed whenever you want. And you weren't a mess. You had a Panic Attack. I hate that you have to Go through them but that doesn't mean you are a mess!" She told you and kissed your nose. You teared up and looked at her.

"i Love you, Babe." You let her know. Offering her a small and tried smile. Which she returned.

"i Love you too!" Your girlfriend answered. "Now please tell me what caused this panic attack?" She wanted to know. You cuddled up to her again. She gently stroked your arm.

"the last game." You admitted.

"sweet Angel, we have been over this. That we lost wasn't your fault. We win as a Team. We lose as a Team. You are such a talented Goalkeeper. So stop beating yourself up over this. No one is blaming you." She told you. You didn't say anything. You just kissed her. She kissed back.

A little while later it was 6am now and you took your adhd meds. You always took them at that time. After that you snuggled back onto the Couch with Kim. She put on one of the lego movies(knowing it is one of your favorite ones) , holding you close. Giving you a kiss on the head every now and then. You stayed like that, enjoying the Moments with Kim ,until it was time for Kim to get ready and make you two some Smoothies before you had to Drive to practice.

It was good to know that your girlfriend would always be there for you. No matter what.

[flowerandblood]

The Lost Haven (15/16)

[ modern mafia • Aemond x niece • female ]

[ warnings: incest obviously, sex content, smut, the angst, semi-public intimacy, panic attack, anxiety, mafia stuff, uncomfortable conversations, bad, bad things ]

[ description: The vacation from eight years ago still haunts his memories and doesn't let him forget what happened between him and his niece, the daughter of his sister and Harwin Strong. Their paths separate and he immerses himself in his father's mafia world until the day she calls him for the first time since those events. Sexual tension, dark, dangerous, withdrawn, thirsty Aemond. ]

Author’s note: As promised, this is another, this time official modern version of The Fall from the Heavens. In this version, Daemon is not related to the family, but is simply Rhaenyra's husband and the leader of the second gang, Alys and Larys are also not related to each other, but Larys is Harwin's brother. I will partly refer to the original series, hiding some easter eggs, and some will be a completely new, fresh plot. As in every universe, only Aemond calls her Rhaenys and this is not her real name (she is unnamed character and the others also do not know that he calls her that). There will be a lot more brutality and angst in this version, so watch out. You can read this as a standalone story.

Series & Characters Moodboard Aemond & Rhaenys Moodboard

* English is not my first language. Please, do not repost. Enjoy! *

Next chapters: Masterlist

_____

She left.

Although he promised himself it would never happen, she was gone.

He spent the first half hour after he woke up in a state of complete hysteria, sitting on the sofa with his face hidden in his hands, crying, crying and crying, unable to calm down.

He was sure she would forgive him this time too.

That she would understand.

However, some part of him knew that the life he was forcing her into must have been unbearable: he himself would not have been able to wait for her every night, not knowing if she was safe, if she would return, if she was alive.

He would have gone mad in her place.

So all that was left to him was weeping and despair, in which he sank completely. Then came a wave of denial: the thought that she would never have done this to him, that perhaps she had only gone out to the shop and would return soon, that he was worried for no reason.

After a few hours, he began to panic.

What if she had done something to herself?

What if she jumped off some bridge, slit her veins again, what if her dead body was found in the woods?

Hundreds of terrifying scenarios whirled through his head so, in an act of desperation, he took his phone out of his pocket and called her, just wanting to hear that she was alive, that she had simply returned to Daemon's house and he didn't need to fear for her life.

She didn't answer, however, causing him to wail like an animal, once again falling into hysteria.

After all, she wouldn't just leave, it wasn't her way.

She would leave a letter, any word of explanation, so that he wouldn't worry and would know what to do next.

He searched the whole flat, looking into all its various nooks and crannies, but was disappointed to find nothing.

Instead, he noticed that her shoes, backpack and charger were gone.

Some part of him wanted to call Rhaenyra, to ask if she was home, but what if she wasn't?

What if they just all panicked thinking something had happened to her because of him?

Where else could she go?

And then it dawned on him.

His hand went quickly to the pocket of his trousers and he exaled heavily, closing his eyes in relief at the thought that the keys to the house by the sea were not in it.

Of course that's where she ran away, he thought tenderly.

Where it had all started.

She needed solitude, peace and quiet.

But was she safe, had she not done anything to herself?

He decided he had to write to her.

He walked around the flat all day with his phone in his hand, constantly checking to see if she had written him back, but she hadn't. He fought with himself like an animal, at the same time wanting to respect that she wanted to think things through without him and fearing that she was there alone and terrified, not knowing what to do.

One second he was deciding that he would drive to her, and the next he was recognising that he couldn't, that she had to reach out to him on her own.

He promised her that he would let her go.

At night he could not sleep, lying on the bed with Vhagar, feeling anxious and afraid, so he spent long hours thinking about what would change their situation.

How could he at the same time give her more room to act and decide, while not endangering her? How could he bring her into this disgusting world and avoid her becoming a simple target?

And then he remembered her father.

Of what he wanted to do.

He stood up quickly, opening the cupboard in which he kept the documents, and began to look through them one by one, feeling his heart pounding like mad with excitement. After a while, he found what he wanted: the title deeds to the premises that had originally belonged to Harwin Strong.

He looked through each one and ran his hand over his face, analysing everything: he'd had a problem with them from the start because the staff who had stayed there were very reluctant to deal drugs: until recently this had frustrated him and he'd contemplated using force on them, but now he decided it was a perfect fit.

They were clean.

He could pass it on to her.

Her collateral, her key to his world, the means by which she could be his partner – ownership would make her a player on the chessboard protected on two sides – by him and Daemon – so no one would dare take away what he had given her.

He knew that, although her stepfather was furious with them, he would never attack her of his own accord – moreover, this decision of his could alleviate the entire conflict between them.

In the morning, he was pacing around his flat, feeling the need to drive to her, to reveal to her that he had a solution for them, something that would make her feel more independent, that would allow her to accompany him to his various meetings, being an equal member of them and not just his chick.

She still gave no sign of life, however, and he began to fear more and more that this meant the worst.

That it was too late.

She hadn't written back.

He decided in an act of desperation that he couldn't wait any longer and had to see her, so he drove to where he hoped never to appear again, which was his family home.

His mother made big eyes at the sight of him.

"– Aemond – I am so happy –"

"I need the keys to the house by the sea. I know there is a spare pair in the house. I lost mine." He said indifferently, pretending that he felt no pain at the sight of her sad eyes, that he did not suffer at the thought that he had been a disappointment to her.

That he had abandoned her.

He didn't want that, but he couldn't go back.

Alicent nodded as if his words broke her and disappeared behind the door, returning a moment later with a bunch of keys which she handed to him, looking at him expectantly.

"Are you happy with her?" She asked.

He looked at her for a moment, feeling that if he opened his mouth he would cry.

So he kept silent.

Yes, he thought.

Only with her.

He nodded his head.

His mother smiled, as if relieved, which made him want to sob even more.

I have failed her and perhaps it is too late.

I have not been able to protect her.

I thought it would be easier.

"I'm glad. Give her my warm regards."

Driving his car to the sea, all he could think about was that he would surely find her body in a bathtub filled with water and her blood, pale and cold.

That she had escaped her suffering in the only way she could, by returning to the only place where she felt safe and happy.

To that summer.

By the time he arrived, night was all around him, the thunder of the storm and the sound of the rain making him anxious – he swallowed hard, seeing that no light was on in any of the windows.

A cold shiver ran down his spine, his steps heavy and slow.

He thought he wasn't ready for this.

He wasn't ready to lose her one last time, forever.

He quietly put the key in the lock and turned it – the door opened in front of him, and when he closed it behind him he was relieved to find that he couldn't smell the rottenness.

There was hope in his heart that perhaps she was alive.

Perhaps she longed to be alone, nothing more.

He moved slowly upstairs, looking first into the bathroom and breathed a loud sigh to see that it was empty – he then moved to her room, but there too everything looked untouched.

He thought, moved, that she was in his room.

Where she felt safe.

He had the feeling that his mind stopped functioning when his hand reached for the door handle and pressed it – when it opened in front of him with a quiet creak, his heart stopped, and he noticed that, indeed, the sheets on his bed were scattered in disarray.

She was here, he thought in disbelief.

But where was she now?

And then he heard it.

A quiet rustling.

God, she was under the bed.

He moved slowly towards her, feeling that his whole body was quivering, seeing himself, then, eight years ago, as if their story had come full circle.

As if everything was heading to this moment.

He knelt down and leaned in, meeting the terrified, sad gaze of her big eyes under the bedframe, her lips clenched into a thin line of fear, her face red with tears.

His heart broke.

"– Rhaenys – oh, baby –" He muttered in a cracking voice, reaching out his hand to her, and she immediately crawled towards him, falling right into the embrace of his longing arms.

He closed his eyes, cuddling her into himself as if he wanted her to melt into one with him, pressing his face against her fragrant hair, her soft, warm, familiar flesh, feeling her whole body tremble, whooping from crying.

"– I’m sorry – I’m sorry – I didn’t know what to do –" She wailed in despair, barely getting any words out, her small hands clenched helplessly on his leather jacket.

He shushed her, stroking her hair and her back, feeling relief, feeling peace, feeling warmth because she was with him, because she was alive, because she hadn't run away, only was lost just like him.

He understood her, understood what she needed and how scared she was.

"– no – it’s okay – I found you, little one – you’re safe now –" He whispered and smiled under his breath when she nodded.

She didn't push him away, she wasn't angry that he had found her, that he had come – on the contrary, he knew that she was actually waiting for him, that she needed him, and he was there for her, for his sweet little girl.

He rose with her, holding her in his arms, and lay down in bed with her, exactly as he had done then, that night. Pulling off his jacket and shoes, he looked at her with a tenderness and gentleness of which he had not suspected himself, her rosy, pretty face, her glistening lips parted in a deep breath.

He leaned down, laying back beside her, and touched her cheek uncertainly, not wanting to frighten her, to make her think he would try to close her mouth with sex and intimacy as usual, making her feel safe only to leave her again the next morning.

No.

This time he had a plan.

For the first time in his life, he felt he knew what to do.

She'd barely sighed when his lips, moist and swollen with longing, pressed against hers in a sweet, lazy kiss – they caressed each other with the quiet clicks of their saliva, sinking again and again into each other's bodies, a shiver running down his spine as her soft hand ran through his hair and down his neck.

God, how he loved her, he thought, feeling his heart flutter in his chest with joy.

"– I love you –" She whispered into his mouth, and he sighed, feeling his cock swell all over and pulse at her words in his trousers, because he craved just that, just those words, the reassurance that, like him, she would never be able to give up what they had. "– that's all I know –"

He wasn't sure they'd ever had such slow, tender, sweet, vulnerable sex together – it seemed to him that her body was melting under his fingers, her plump lips parted sweetly against his slick tongue, their arms holding them close, their foreheads pressed together.

He loved her.

He loved her.

He loved her.

When he felt her again, when he broke deep into her soft, warm, moist flesh again, nothing but helpless, boyish moans and grunts left his throat – her closeness, the sensation of her fleshy walls enveloping his erection thrusting into her greedily again and again was something craved, beloved, meant only for him.

For the first time, he didn't think about what his lover thought of him.

Did she think he had done a good job?

Did he look good in this position?

Were his noises manly?

Did he last long enough?

Did she perceive him as strong?

He simply made love to her, and she, her hands, her mouth, her cunt, her wonderful, sweet body gave herself completely to him, allowing him to fill her with his release with a sigh of relief.

"I know how to fix this, baby. Do you trust me?" He asked her quietly when it was all over, when their bodies lay entwined together in a tender embrace, his hand stroking her head pressed against his chest, right where she belonged.

By his side, always by his side.

He heard her swallow hard, surprised, his soft manhood still deep inside her.

They were one.

For eight years they had lasted as broken halves of a whole.

But no more.

"What do you mean?" She whispered uncertainly, trailing her fingers down his back, and he swallowed hard, thinking this was the moment.

"I will give you back the premises that belonged to your father."

Silence.

She'll think it's an idiotic idea.

That it didn't make sense.

She will walk away.

"What?"

"Before Larys took over their entire family business, your father had three establishments: Harrenhal Club, Twins Club and Eagle’s Nest Hotel. He got to the point, wanting to get as far away from drug smuggling as possible, that the people working there were reluctant to go back to their old ways. Larys forced them to do so, but most of the best workers fled to my grandfather or Daemon. I didn’t know for a long time what to do with these places, but now I think I should just pass them on to you. That will make you able to take part in some of our conversations as an associate, like Baratheon does, for example. I will assign you some of my men to protect you. Some of them are tired and want peace and quiet for themselves and their families. Your presence, the fact that you are with me and at the same time you are Daemon’s daughter gives us the assurance that you will not be attacked from any side."

He mumbled out, feeling like he'd lost his breath in his lungs, throwing out everything he'd been thinking about while she wasn't by his side.

He felt her whole body freeze.

She was in shock.

"What about Jace? Luke? He was their father too." She mumbled, and he snorted, smiling involuntarily.

They had no say in the matter.

There was nothing they could do.

"I don't give a shit about them."

She swallowed hard and lifted her head to look at him – he sighed seeing that her gaze was both terrified and warm at the same time, full of the affection he craved so much.

"I won't have to store your drugs or sell them?" She muttered, and he shook his head quickly.

God, she was really considering it.

"No. You'll just be giving us cover for our meetings from time to time. Nothing illegal that would burden you." He mumbled in a trembling voice, a pleading look asking her to trust him this one last time, to let him fix everything, set it on the right track.

"You'll really do it?" She asked, and he involuntarily licked his lower lip, nodding.

"Yes. Yes, if you come home with me. We'll go to the notary tomorrow, make it official." He said in excitement, feeling his heart pounding like crazy in his chest in euphoria.

She lowered her gaze, sighing heavily, for some reason sad again.

"After all, none of them will want to listen to me. They won't respect me. I'm just a little girl, what do I know about their tough world?" She asked, shrugging her shoulders, and he shook his head.

"I'll help you. Just like you helped me with my studies. I will teach you everything. They'll respect you, first for the sake of me and your two fathers, and then for the sake of you when they realise you'll protect them and not drag them into this shit." He said with a certainty that amazed him, her eyes glazed over with tears.

She wanted to believe him, he knew that.

She wanted it to work.

She wanted to be with him.

"Shall we try?" He mumbled, waiting for her reaction like a sentence.

And she nodded her head.

She nodded her head.

She snuggled into him and he closed his eyes, feeling the tears of relief burning under his eyelids, thinking that he loved her harder than he ever had in his life.

She had always, always been on his side.

"I love you. Everything is going to be okay. I promise."

And she believed him.

They spent the night sleeping in an embrace so tight that he smiled with amusement – as soon as he turned on the bed, tired of one position her small body immediately followed him, her fingers clenching on his back, demanding his tender, safe hold in which he closed her happily again and again.

She slept with her face snuggled into his chest and neck, her legs entwined with his, their hands holding them close.

They were home.

They were home because they were together.

After they woke up, writhing in each other's embrace for a long time, they showered together.

"– ah – mghmm –" She mumbled, her face pressed against the wall, leaning forward, her hips bucked towards him while he opened her up again and again on his erection, swollen from the morning, begging for hours to be fulfilled.

"– what a sight –" He exhaled, looking at her throbbing slit from which his semen was leaking, lazily rolling his hips back and forth, sinking into her sweet, warm flesh.

One of his hands gripped her waist to keep her from falling over, while the other rested on the tiles above her head for balance, the pleasantly warm water washing over their bodies like rain.

Like God forgiving them of all their sins.

"– I love you –" He whispered as if it was the most perverted, ungodly thing he could say to her right now, listening to the loud, quick slaps of their naked, wet bodies against each other, feeling her fleshy cunt squeeze his hard length tighter, sucking it inside her with his throaty groan.

"– I love you too –" She mewled, moaning louder and louder, aroused by how shamelessly exposed she was to him, that he was watching what he was doing to her, that he was bursting into her body, and she couldn't help it.

She was his.

"– f-fuck – mmm –" He sighed as his peak came down on him like an epiphany and closed his eyes, tilting his head back as he felt her plump walls begin to clench around his manhood in her sweet fulfilment.

He looked at her again, wanting to see it, his fat, throbbing cock deep inside her as he filled her with his seed.

She was so innocent.

"– what I'm doing to you is so wonderfully wrong – I could fuck you all day long –" He exhaled, panting heavily along with her, stroking affectionately her chubby, smooth buttocks. She moaned at his words, closing her eyes as if she felt his words in every nook and cranny of her body, her hot core clamped tight around his half-soft manhood.

"– yes –" She mumbled, reaching her hand towards his, as if she wanted him to understand that he could embody his desire into reality.

He smiled tenderly at the sight, at her reaction, sliding out of her gently with her sigh of relief and watched as a trickle of his spend dripped down her thigh.

"– uncle and niece, huh –" He hummed, grabbing her by the waist and pulling her upwards, her wet back and buttocks slapping against his body, his lips sinking into her moist, soft neck. She just murmured, embracing his arms, tilting her head back, relaxed and at ease.

She looked up at him at last, her gaze clouded with hot affection, her lips parted sweetly in a deep breath.

"– Hades and Persephone –"

As promised, straight from there they drove to the notary – he didn't want her to think that he was deceiving her again, and that the change in their lives would happen at some unknown time – it was to happen here and now, immediately, and she was to feel that he was telling the truth.

He went to the man who handled the documentation of all the premises that belonged to him – Ned Tully was an elderly man who liked to walk around in big jumpers and tracksuits, however, his gigantic office could tell that he was certainly not a poor man.

He just didn't give a shit about anything and wasn't afraid of the police, which was exactly what he needed.

His Rhaenys followed him inside, glancing at him uncertainly with her big, bright eyes, and he stroked her back with his palm.

"Come." He hummed, pointing to one of the armchairs facing the large oak desk behind which Tully sat, who slid a packet of cigarettes towards him.

He took one out and put it in his mouth, and Tully leaned over and lit it with his lighter.

"What brings you here, boy?" He asked lowly.

He'd always addressed him this way, but it didn't bother him – he didn't do it with a sneer and he was extremely professional, even though he didn't look like it.

He took a drag and let the smoke out through his nose, spreading himself out comfortably in his seat.

"I want to transfer my three properties, three businesses to another person. To my niece." He said calmly – Tully's gaze fled sideways to her small, tense figure.

"Daemon's daughter. Well, well. The world is small. Are you sure you want to do this? Once you sign the papers, it will be too late." He said, and he nodded.

"What properties are involved?" He asked, and he took another drag, tilting his head back, releasing the smoke with his mouth towards the ceiling.

"Harrenhal Club, Twins Club and Eagle's Nest Hotel." He recited from memory, feeling a strange calm, a conviction that he had done the right thing.

The notary prepared a set of documents and, after making sure he hadn't changed his mind, he and his niece signed a piece of paper after a piece of paper and then locked everything up in a folder.

"I will take care of the tax issue myself. Calculate for me how much I will have to pay." He said to him, and Tully nodded.

"What?" She muttered, looking at him horrified, his hand closed on hers.

"Don't worry. I'll take care of it. Hm? It's okay." He whispered, her eyes glazed with tears, her lower lip trembling.

He tried to restrain himself, and he knew she did too, but they had to stop in the woods to find an outlet for their emotions locked in the car, her body warm and willing, welcoming him easily inside, her arms cuddling him between her bare breasts.

He sighed heavily as he came inside her at last, tracing his fingers over her chest and murmured contentedly.

"They're getting bigger. Fuller. From caressing them for sure." He hummed, amused, placing a sweet, lingering kiss on her breast only to clamp his lips on her nipple again a moment later.

He heard her swallow quietly, her hand running through his hair.

"Let's go home." She whispered.

Vhagar was euphoric at the sight of her – she squealed and barked at the same time, running around her and jumping on her, distraught that she was suddenly gone.

The truth was that his dog had become accustomed to not being alone even when he was out and she didn't like the fact that it had changed.

"– there, there – I missed you too –" She laughed, kneeling on the floor, embracing her thick, furry neck, letting her big tongue lick all over her face.

As they ate the pizza they'd quickly ordered, they leaned over the binders full of documents, which they began to look through together.

"You've got the entire history of each establishment here. The owners, the employees, their contracts, invoices for goods, electricity and gas bills." He explained, flipping through page after page. "And the income and tally each month by the accountant. Each of these places earns more than it spends. I've hired marketing people and refurbished some rooms in Eagle's Nest that needed it most."

"That's a lot." She muttered, clearly overwhelmed by the amount of information she had to absorb.

"Don't be afraid. For the first few months, you will simply deal with it with me. You'll be involved in talking to staff and accountants. I will introduce you, I won't throw you in at the deep end. If something goes wrong, I will be beside you to help you fix it." He said, clasping his fingers in her hand, and she nodded, looking at him hopefully.

"Thank you, Aemond. I mean it." She whispered, and he swallowed hard, wondering if he had ever heard that from anyone.

Thank you.

Neither his father nor Otto had ever thanked him.

Not really.

They felt that what he was doing was due to them, that they were doing him a favour by allowing him to earn crores without, in their view, much effort.

They had come to all this through their hard work, not him.

He stroked her soft cheek and kissed her forehead with a quiet click, feeling a pleasant warmth in his heart.

She always knew how to appreciate him.

To say what he longed to hear.

To give him what he needed.

Over the next few days, they mainly went through the documents he kept at home, as well as at each of these places. His staff looked at them in surprise, as he rarely came in his own person, however, he did not want to say what had happened for the time being so as not to cause panic.

He knew that some of them would be unhappy with the change thinking that he had placed her in such a high position despite the fact that she could do nothing, because she was his whore.

Because he had fulfilled her whim.

He had to make them respect her, make them want to listen to her.

They didn't even know she was what they needed.

"Let's go to the supermarket. We don't have anything left to eat." He said and she nodded, glancing at him out of the corner of her eye.

"You do the shopping, I have to go to the pharmacy." She replied lightly, turning her head away. He looked at her, surprised, then back at the road.

"Are you feeling unwell?" He asked, and she swallowed hard.

"No, but… I've been quite stressed lately. With how much I still have to learn. I'm thinking of getting some herbs to drink, some melissa or something." She muttered, and he nodded with understanding, placing his hand on her knee.

"Okay, baby."

As they agreed, he did the shopping, planning to make tomato soup, remembering how he loved it when he was a small child, and met her at the car.

"Did you buy everything you wanted?" He asked, putting the shopping bags in the boot, and she nodded and smiled, something in her gaze that he didn't like.

She was tense.

He knew that she was apprehensive about meeting the staff for the first time – she had insisted that he let her do it alone, but he was afraid that those people would then surround her and bite her, and she would feel even worse.

On the other hand, he knew that they would be calm in his presence and not object, but perhaps they would hate her behind her back.

He didn't want that.

He was not sure if he should start the subject, so he finally gave up and just got into the car and she did the same.

He tried to get out of her what she had bought, but all she said was that it was tea and that she would brew it for herself when they got back.

He didn't know why, but he felt anxious.

When they got home, as soon as she pulled off her shoes she locked herself in the toilet.

With her rucksack.

Perhaps she was suddenly surprised by her period?

He decided that this was certainly the case and took the shopping bags into the kitchen, unpacking them one by one, listening for any strange sounds.

He put the water on for the soup and prepared everything to cook it, glancing constantly at the door in the corridor behind which the light was on.

"Are you all right? Do you have a stomach ache?" He called out, feeling his heart hit harder in his chest.

"I'm fine." She muttered in a cracking voice making him put the glass bottle of tomato puree down on the table and walk in that direction.

"Rhaenys? What's going on? You're acting strange, I don't like it." He said, but was answered by silence.

Fuck.

He slammed his fist against the door, feeling adrenaline and fear bubbling through his veins, the sight of her in a tub full of blood making it difficult for him to catch his breath.

"Rhaenys, if you don't open it, I'm going to break down the fucking door." He growled and swallowed hard when the door opened suddenly and he saw her face red with emotion.

What was that all about?

He wanted to ask about it, but she held out her hand towards him with a small, bright, long object with what looked like a small glass window with pink stripes.

"– what is it? –" He mumbled, wrinkling his eyebrows in concern, taking it from her, watching it between his fingers trembling with nerves.

"– it's a pregnancy test –"

He looked at her, feeling his heart stop suddenly – she was smiling, her gaze warm, full of everything he wanted so much.

"– no way –" He said and she laughed, so lightly and sweetly that he just grabbed her in his arms and lifted her high, smiling like a moron, feeling tears under his eyelids for some reason.

"– baby – oh my fucking God – show me this little belly –" He muttered, lifting her Tshirt higher, leaning down to place a few lingering, loud, sticky kisses on her bare skin.

As he set her down on the ground he burst out crying, for neither his body nor his mind could deal with what he felt otherwise: the girl he loved was pregnant, and she was happy about it despite the fucked-up situation they were in, wanting to create something with him that he had always dreamed of so much.

His own family.

She hugged him, letting him bury his face in her neck, whooping his tears while smiling broadly, his hands clenched on the back of her Tshirt.

"– I'm so happy – God, baby, this is wonderful, wonderful news –" He mumbled out in a breaking voice, returning to crying, feeling that he was unable to control what was happening to his body.

"Will you come with me to the gynaecologist?" She asked softly, stroking his back, and he nodded quickly, excited, looking at her with big eyes.

"Yes, of course. Now?" He asked, ready to drive her anywhere and do whatever she needed, his hand involuntarily sliding down to her lower abdomen, stroking it as if she was hiding a treasure inside.

Her fingers stroked his palm as she laughed.

"No. No one will take us in today anyway. But tomorrow, yes." She said with a smile, bubbling with energy, joy and contentment, the look in her eyes warm and bright.

"Okay. Okay." He said, and she squealed as he picked her up again, this time walking with her towards the kitchenette, wanting to finish dinner.

If up until now he thought he was crazy about her and about her being close, he would now describe it as an obsession.

She had to be close because he had to touch her, embrace her, feel her, kiss her – in the evening, once they were in bed, he didn't know what to do – he wanted to fall asleep at the same time with his face snuggled between her breasts, in his favourite place in the world, only to change his mind a moment later, pull the duvet off her and place his cheek on her stomach, stroking her lower abdomen with his palm.

"Mmm." He heard her hum in her sleep, in a natural, affectionate gesture combing her fingers through his short hair, he, however, was in too much euphoria.

I love you, he thought, looking down at her belly, running his fingertips over her bare skin.

I love you and your mum.

He fell asleep in the morning only to be woken by her alarm clock three hours later – he had forced her to make an appointment as soon as possible, so they were due to turn up at the doctor's surgery at seven in the morning. His niece was semi-conscious, asleep in his car, he, however, felt fresh and rested, keeping his hand clasped over hers.

He realised that he was happy.

Truly happy.

He was ashamed to be sitting next to her, lying on the couch, watching as a man in a white lab coat sat beside her in a chair in front of a small screen, wandering a special ultrasound machine over her abdomen, covered in some sticky green gel, and he felt tears under his eyelids, his knee popping all over in a nervous reflex.

"It's true, miss, you are pregnant. You can see it, right here." He said, pointing his finger at a small bright dot on the screen the size of a needle head, and he hid his face in his hands and burst out crying full of relief.

He wanted this so badly.

"Do you want to leave and calm down?" The doctor asked him, and he shook his head.

"I'll print you pictures."

A little dot.

A little dot that was going to be a little man in nine months.

He thought about this as he lay in bed, looking at the few pictures the doctor had printed for them. His niece lay next to him, sleeping peacefully, wrapped in his arm, resting after having to wake up early.

Will it be a boy or a girl?

It doesn't matter, he will love each one equally.

The baby's room, toys, cot, pram, sleepwear will have to be organised.

So many things to do and so little time.

Nine months.

He put the photo aside and slid his free hand down to her belly, stroking it softly, her murmur of contentment made him lean over and kiss the top of her head.

"– shhh – sleep –"

When she woke up he suggested they take a walk with Vhagar and she eagerly agreed.

The fresh air would certainly do both her and their baby good, he thought.

They were both bubbling with energy and optimism.

"I want to tell my mother about this." She said as they walked through the park, and he threw her a quick, horrified look.

"I don't know if it's a good idea. What if they report us? What we did is illegal." He mumbled.

He was slowly beginning to forget that their relationship was incestuous.

He wondered if, if he confirmed his paternity at the Registry Office so that his child could bear his name, someone would realise that something was wrong.

She glanced at him in disbelief, her eyebrows arched in pain.

"It will be her grandchild. She won't, she certainly won't. She's angry with us, but… I can't imagine we'll hide it from everyone. After all, it will start to show eventually." She said, and he swallowed hard, realising that she was right.

Either way, it would eventually come out.

They decided to kill two birds with one stone – he called his mother and she called hers and they both arranged to meet at the same place and time – in one of the cafés not far from their flat.

Sitting at one of the tables by the window, they held hands – her gaze, despite his horror and feeling that it was a mistake, told him that they had done the right thing.

His lamp in the dark room.

Thanks to her, he knew where to go and why.

Alicent and Rhaenyra bumped into each other in the entrance – their gazes expressed shock, discomfort and confusion. Alicent spotted them sitting in the distance, and Rhaenyra followed her gaze and pressed her lips together, lowering her head.

That was it.

They both finally walked over to the table and sat down next to each other reluctantly, trying not to look at each other.

"Can you tell me what this is supposed to mean?" Her mother asked her, and his niece twisted restlessly in her chair.

He lowered his gaze, feeling ashamed but proud at the same time, his fingers tightened on hers.

We are going to have a baby.

"I'm pregnant. You're going to be grandmothers. It's already decided." She said in a trembling voice, leaving them with no illusions about her decision.

Rhaenyra and Alicent drew in a loud breath and averted their gazes. Rhaenyra pressed her lips together and shook her head with tears in her eyes, while Alicent hid her face in her hands, drawing in air loudly.

There was a long, awkward silence.

He looked at his niece in pain, seeing the tears running down her cheeks, and stroked the delicate skin of her wrist with his thumb – he knew that she felt what he felt, that she was simultaneously afraid and ashamed of what they had done, on the other hand unable to imagine that they could have done otherwise.

"And now what? Hm?" Rhaenyra asked in a breaking voice, impatient and desperate.

"We will raise our child and have a wedding. A church wedding. I'm working on it."

"What?" Alicent mumbled, as if she had just woken up from some terrible dream, looking at everyone around her as if she thought she had overheard herself.

"A dispensation and appropriate payment is required for this, but I will sort it out. Everything will be as it should be." He said, looking at his mother, her brown eyes big and red from tears, her lips parted in disbelief.

"What do you want to hear? Congratulations?" Rhaenyra asked, shaking her head.

"I want my child to be able to count on her two grandmothers as well as the rest of our family, but I do not expect it. I thought you deserved to hear it from us." Said his Rhaenys, trying to calm herself.

Rhaenyra burst into sobs, as if something inside her had finally snapped, burying his face in her hand – he saw his mother tighten her fingers on her hand lying on the table, and his half-sister did not push her away.

He pressed his lips together, refusing to let his own tears run down his cheeks, hearing only sighs and sobs, a sense of shame and grief rising in the air, suffocating them all.

Finally, his mother wiped her nose and took a breath, closing her eyes.

"Since there is no turning back and you have made your decision, there is nothing more we can do. This child, if born, will not be guilty of anything and deserves our love and yours. I would not forgive myself if I were not present in my own grandchild's life because of my beliefs." She said, and he lowered his gaze and nodded, feeling like a little boy again.

Rhaenyra took her hand from her grasp and sighed, sitting for a moment with her eyes closed, as if thinking about something.

"I have heard…I have heard that you have passed on to my daughter the premises that previously belonged to Harwin." She said, finally looking up at him with her bright, piercing eyes.

"I did."

Rhaenyra stared at him, pain, grief, sadness and hundreds of other emotions in her gaze that must have just ripped her heart apart.

"Do you love my daughter?" She asked with emphasis on each word, as if she wanted him to understand exactly what the purpose of her question was.

He swallowed hard, looking at her with a blank stare.

"I've loved her for as long as I can remember. Since that holidays at the seaside. It didn't hurt me then that you ran off with Luke. I didn't give a shit about any of you. What hurt me was that you took her with you." He whispered in breaking voice, feeling a single, lonely, heavy tear run down his face.

Him crying that night in hospital, after the operation, when his mother told him that his niece had returned home.

They hadn't even said goodbye to each other.

Rhaenyra's lips pressed together in a thin line, her eyes glazed over, her brow arching in an expression of distress at the memory of those events.

"Will you take care of her? And my grandchild?" She asked, and he felt his throat squeeze so tightly that he had trouble catching his breath.

"Yes."

She nodded, as if accepting something, all around them the conversations of others, the waiters walking by, the smell of coffee, tea and cakes. Rhaenyra looked at him finally and forced herself to smile, in which, however, he saw a hint of sincerity.

Some kind of relief, a conviction that things would be what they were meant to be.

"Make her happy."