#and then i tried to explain to her that im only attracted to bigger folks and she lit up and said BEARS!!

[skellydun]

my coworker and I were talking in her office about her upcoming wedding which segued into my dating life and pride month so I talked about the last few dates I've been on and how one person was overly enthusiastic about bdsm and she was like what's that? and I was like what? she asked if it was a gay thing and I was like um....not exclusively? and so then I proceeded to tell my straight coworker who is one year older than me all about the wonders of bdsm and her only response was oh like Rihanna!

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

The Girl Next Door (Part 7) - Hunter’s Garage

Summary: Dean brings Jack to his first day of work and has a chat with his buddies about his new girlfriend...

The Girl Next Door Masterlist

Pairing: Neighbor/Mechanic!Dean x baker!reader

Word Count: 3,400ish

Warnings: language

A/N: Parts of this series are told from two different POV’s. Dean’s POV are written from limited third person. Reader’s POV are second person (like a typical reader insert). Enjoy!…

Dean’s POV

“Later, Eileen. Sam’s extra rascally today so I’d keep an eye on him,” teased Dean on the way out of the house the next morning.

“Oh but that just makes it more fun,” she said, laughing when she heard Sam shout for her inside. “Have a good day at work, Dean.”

“You too,” said Dean, hopping down the front steps. He glanced over, catching Jack sitting on Y/N’s front porch, looking over. “Well get over here. We got work.”

Jack was across the yard like that, sliding into the passenger seat of Baby quickly. Dean turned on a quiet rock station and backed out, heading for town.

“So, how’d last night go?” asked Dean. “At your sister’s.”

“Good,” said Jack, staring out the window. “I’m sorry for being rude the other morning.”

“S’all good,” said Dean. “You feeling any better?”

“In a way. Just…”

“Just…” said Dean.

“Y/N’s expecting a lot from me. I don’t want to screw it up,” he said.

“Jack, buddy. Your sister wants you to be happy again, trust me. She doesn’t want to stress you out. She wants to help. A job gives you some responsibility and independence and the whole curfew thing, I think that’s more so she knows you’re home safe at the end of the day,” said Dean.

“I’m not...I don’t want to hurt myself. I can’t believe I ever thought that way in the first place,” he said. “She’s the one that made me realize the mistake I was making.”

“Well it sounds like life was a bit rough for ya. You ever get feeling like that again though, talk to your sister. She ain’t around, come find me or Sammy or one of the guys from the shop once you get to know ‘em,” said Dean.

“You don’t even know me. Why would you even care?” asked Jack.

“I care about your sister. Probably more than I should for how short a time we’ve known each other. But your sister cares about our family too so we pay that back. She doesn’t have a lot out there so that means taking care of you is pretty important to me. You get that?” said Dean.

“You like her so you want me to be okay,” said Jack.

“Yeah but, I get what it’s like to have asshole parents, even if ours fixed their shit. It’s hard being the big brother.”

“You’ve never tried to off yourself,” he said.

“No. I haven’t. But I understand what it is to feel low, feel you’re less than other people. You’re not, Jack. Try, for your sister, and for me. She’s not trying to babysit you or control you. She wants you to be okay, that’s it.”

“You must really like her, huh?” said Jack, cracking a smile.

“Shut up,” said Dean, smiling in return. “Let’s go survive your first shift. You’ll have to get a ride in days I’m not working but-”

“That’s fine. I’ll manage,” said Jack. “Promise.”

“Pst,” said Dean, waving over Benny from where he was talking to Cas at the front desk. “How’s the new kid doing?”

“Kid barely knows what a steering wheel is,” deadpanned Benny.

“Come on, dude,” groaned Dean.

“I’m not gonna cut him loose. He’s a bit green is all. He’s your girl’s brother? As long as he shows up to work and learns, he’s more than welcome,” said Benny. “Unlike our suit wearing friends.”

“Really,” said Cas. “I work in a doctor’s office, Benjamin.”

“Oh. Benjamin,” said Dean with a smirk. Benny whacked him in the back of the head, leaning back against the counter. “Ass.”

“Aren’t you like, supposed to be helping people sort out their shit?” asked Benny. “I mean, we know you’re a lazy ass but golf don’t start this early in the day, hm?”

“You’re a little shit, Benny,” said Cas with a big smile.

“Love you too, kitten,” said Benny.

“We need a boys night,” said Cas. “Been a few weeks.”

“More like a month. Last one we had was before Sam had his accident, wasn’t it?” said Benny.

“I kind of got a date on Saturday,” said Dean. “At that music festival.”

“Oh, what a refined gentleman we have,” said Benny.

“I bet he bought supreme nachos, not just the basic kind,” said Cas.

“Fancy,” teased Benny.

“I really like Y/N, assholes, and I basically have zero time to actually be a good boyfriend and take her out and-”

“Dude. We’re fucking with you. Go hang with your girlfriend. We’ve only known you for like our whole lives,” said Cas. “We can handle a boys night without Dean Winchester.”

“Hey, you know what? Why don’t we have boys night at Sam’s place on Friday? Invite your girlfriend over and the new kid. We’ll keep it tamer than normal but we can keep an eye on ‘im, you know?” said Benny.

“Tamer than normal? We ain’t visiting Cas at college anymore,” teased Dean.

“I still do not remember what happened spring break my senior year,” said Cas.

“We do,” said Dean with a laugh. “If Sammy’s good with it then sure. Couple rules though.”

“Eh, we know Avy’s around. We’ll behave,” said Benny.

“No, I know. I mean...like no messing with Sam like normal, like taking his beanie off or something,” said Dean.

“Hey, we’re all for mentally scarring little Sam, been doing it since we were kids. We ain’t going to actually be cruel though. We like the pup.”

“Pup that turned out to be bigger than all three of us,” said Cas.

“Yeah, why you so short, Winchester?” asked Benny.

“Shut your face hole,” said Dean with a laugh. He saw Jack walk over a bit nervously, swallowing before he came to a stop. “What’s up, Jack?”

“I uh, I finished changing the oil,” said Jack. “What should I do now?”

Benny looked over to the wall and up at the clock.

“Take your break,” said Benny.

“But I’m only part time. I shouldn’t-”

“When boss man tells you to take a break, you take a break,” said Dean. “Besides, I got a buddy of ours I want you to meet. Jack, this horrifically ugly human being over here is Castiel. We call him Cas.”

“Sometimes I really wish I wasn’t your friend,” said Cas, turning and giving Jack a smile. “I’m sure you’ve learned the joys of working in a garage with a bunch of brutes already.”

“Oh, they’re great,” said Jack.

“Cas is just jealous cause he has to do office bullshit all day,” said Benny.

“And I get to work with three very attractive women,” said Cas. “Including my girlfriend.”

“Dammit,” muttered Benny.

“S’okay. You’ll get him next time,” said Dean, nodding Benny away. “Give us a minute?”

“Mhm,” hummed Benny, going to check out Jack’s work. Jack looked back and forth between Dean and Cas, Dean breaking out into a laugh.

“Relax, Jack. Cas works in the same office as the therapist that worked with my parents. Cas is the junior partner there. He deals more with younger folks or kids most of the time,” said Dean.

“Oh,” said Jack.

“Dean explained a little bit of your situation to me, Jack, without giving specifics. We spoke last night and after talking it over with my senior partners, I think maybe you and I should work together,” said Cas.

“Okay,” said Jack.

“Do you want to work with me, Jack?” asked Cas. “It’s important to find someone you feel comfortable with. We can go take a walk around the block and if you don’t think we’re a fit, that’s perfectly okay and I’ll help you find somebody that is, alright?”

“Why are you helping me?” asked Jack.

“Dean and I and Benny...we’re shits to each other because we’re best friends. We help each other. I almost dropped out of school when those two bozos drove for five hours in the middle of the night and stayed in my dorm and talked me out of it. It’s not easy to find people that care about you, Jack. It’s not. But they’re out there, sometimes right in front of your face and you just don’t know it yet. If you need help, I want to help,” said Cas. “That night is why I changed majors and went into therapy instead. I like helping people. If you’ll let me that is.”

“Do you think I’m nuts?” he asked.

“No. I think very few people are ‘nuts’ Jack. Those people, it’s very easy to see that there is something off and I believe it’s because they are missing something in them. It’s not their fault, it’s how they were born. But most of us, all of us, we all have issues and fear. You strike me as someone that needs a bit of love and compassion again is all. Certainly not nuts,” said Cas.

“But…” said Jack. Cas lifted his chin.

“I don’t care what other doctors said. Understand? We’ll start from scratch. Let’s go take that walk, alright?” he said. Jack nodded, following Cas outside the garage.

“Thank you,” mouthed Dean, Cas giving him a smile back.

“Cas gonna take care of the kid?” asked Benny when he wandered back over.

“Yeah. He’ll probably end up mayor or something now,” teased Dean. “How’d he do on the oil?”

“Pretty good. A little slow but better than I expected for a first time,” he said. “I think he used to work with his hands. They’re rougher than I was thinking they’d be.”

“I’m not sure what he used to do. He’s a little older than Y/N and it doesn’t sound like he went to college. I know he didn’t follow their parents plan for him so who knows,” said Dean.

“Speaking of your little gal,” said Benny, nodding across the street, Y/N carrying two pink boxes into a store. “She ain’t from around here, right?”

“No. We didn’t go to school with her. Probably wouldn’t have had a shot back then,” said Dean.

“What are you talking about? You dated pretty much every girl in school.”

“Exactly,” said Dean.

“When’s the last time you had a girlfriend Deano? Like a real one?” asked Benny.

“Lisa,” said Dean.

“So forever ago,” said Benny.

“I’ve been on plenty of dates since,” said Dean.

“You scared of this new girl, huh,” said Benny.

“The one’s I really liked...Cassie found problems with me. Jo did. Lisa did. Y/N will too I’m sure,” said Dean.

“Yeah, I’m sure she’ll hate the fact you’re helping out her brother so much. That’s a real asshole move,” said Benny, rolling his eyes.

“We’ve gone out by ourselves once. Once. Somebody’s going to the hospital every other day around here and she’ll find out I’m an idiot soon enough,” said Dean. Benny was quiet, wiping off the counter. “Benny…don’t. I’m shooting the shit is all.”

“You’ve been this way since we were kids. I never understood it,” said Benny. “You’re the smartest guy I know.”

“Sammy’s the smartest guy you know,” said Dean.

“Hey. I’m trying to compliment you here,” said Benny. Dean rolled his eyes, moving to go back to work when Benny tsked him. “If it makes you feel any better, your girl is fixing her ponytail in the window across the street and keeps glancing over here. Oh, now she’s taking it down, putting it up again...hm, now she’s just put a hat from her back pocket on. Looks like one of yours. Oh, she threw her head back, she’s pointing at her shirt. Looks like something pink on that white shirt of hers. Must be a stain.”

“Hey, Mr. DVD commentary. Your point?” said Dean.

“My point is Y/N’s fixing herself up and walking over here in a white little tee and short shorts and I should really start talking to my neighbors if you’re anything to go by,” teased Benny.

“Shut up,” said Dean, rolling his eyes, spinning around just in time to give her a smile.

Reader’s POV

“Hi, Dean,” you said, trying to keep your arm over the splotch of pink food dye on your shirt.

“Well hi, beautiful,” he said. Benny pretended to gag and walked away, Dean taking a deep breath. “Excuse the neanderthal.”

“Oh, I already like your friends,” you said, looking around. “I was making a delivery, wanted to see how Jack’s first day was going.”

“Good. He’s getting the hang of everything. He’ll do fine,” said Dean.

“Awesome. Thank you for getting him in here. I think getting him feeling normal and in a regular routine will be good for him,” you said. “Thank Benny for me too.”

“Ain’t no problem, cher,” said Benny, your face in a wince.

“It’s a garage. Voices tend to carry,” said Dean, stepping outside with you. “I really should get back to work. Been talking more than working today it seems.”

“Oh, sorry. I-”

“Still ain’t a problem, cher. Slow this morning anyways,” said Benny.

“Thank you, Benjamin,” said Dean, chuckling as he pulled you around the corner of the building. “Sorry. Yeah, Jack’s okay.”

“You too?” you asked. “You seem a little...stressed.”

“I worry about stuff,” said Dean.

“I’ve noticed,” you teased. “I actually did have a reason to stop by though. I hit a pothole this morning and my back wheel is making a weird noise now.”

“Weird nose huh. Those are my favorite,” he said. “Pull her in. We’ll take a look if you got time.”

“Sure thing.”

“Looks like you got a flat is all. Slow leak which is why you ain’t driving on the rim yet,” said Benny. “We can pop on a new one like that.”

“How much that gonna cost me?” you asked.

“Well small business to small business, maybe we can negotiate some kind of deal?” asked Benny.

“I’m listening,” you said, Benny smirking as Dean went to go look for a tire in the back.

“A box of your pastries every Friday morning through the summer, until September starts up. Jack can bring ‘em in,” he said. “Deal?”

“You realize you’re losing money, right?” you said.

“Yeah but we get fresh pastries every Friday. Plus you get the family discount,” he said. “So we got a deal?”

“Deal,” you said, shaking his hand.

“Hey, Jack,” called Benny. You looked behind you, Jack saying something to a man in a suit on the sidewalk before he took off. “You ever change a tire before?”

“No,” said Jack.

“Well you can learn on your sister’s car,” said Benny. “Dean’ll show ya.”

While Dean rolled out a tire, Jack explained who Cas was and that he had a timeslot from two to three o’clock everyday that would work perfect for him. He seemed excited but you didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. You were just happy he was willing to talk to someone.

Fifteen minutes later, you had a new tire on and Dean was patting Jack on the back for a job well done.

“Thanks. I gotta run home and do some more baking. I’ll see you guys later,” you said.

You were halfway home when you took a slight detour, hoping you had enough space in the back for it.

“Y/N, I’m home,” said Jack, walking into the kitchen about two hours later. “I brought home some carrots for you as requested.”

“Thank you. I wanted to make up a carrot cake tomorrow. That’s still your favorite, right?” you asked.

“Yeah,” he said, sitting down at the counter. “You’re very good at this. Baking, I mean.”

“Honestly, I started doing it because I couldn’t sit around sad anymore. We used to love doing it with grandma I remember,” you said.

“She’s the one that told me I didn’t have to be a doctor if I didn’t want to be,” he said.

“Grandma was awesome,” you said with a laugh. “I still got some of her recipes I’ve wanted to try but you know me and her handwriting.”

“You have the worst handwriting in the world. Totally had that part of being a doctor down,” he teased. “I can try to interpret for you if you want.”

“Yes please,” you said, grabbing a bag of frosting. “Hey, you want to help me decorate some of these? Good destressor.”

“I’m not any good. I don’t want to mess ‘em up,” he said.

“You won’t,” you said, handing him a bag. “Come here.”

He stood and walked around the counter, watching you show him how to hold it and squeeze the tip. He was pretty sloppy and you could see him getting anxious, shoulders stiffening up.

“You know when I was in med school, I accidentally gave the wrong dosage of medicine to a patient. I almost killed him,” you said. You felt his stare but you kept on working on your own cookies. “I was terrified to treat a patient again. But I did.”

“How?” he asked.

“My dorky big brother called me one night, he was venting about mom and dad. Apparently they called him a failure, again, which was a shitty thing of them I thought but he told me that it didn’t matter that he screwed up because he would just try again. I never told him but that really meant a lot to me,” you said, finishing up your sheet. You set down your frosting and grabbed one of his cookies, taking a bite out of it. “S’good.”

“Can I help out with the bakery in the afternoons after therapy? I don’t want to be paid. I’d like to...learn to destress,” he said.

“Yeah. I’d like the company,” you said. “Would you mind grabbing me a new bag of flour? I forgot it in the back of my car. In the garage.”

Jack thankfully didn’t pick up on the fact your car was parked in the driveway and headed outside, returning back through the door twenty seconds later with a cock of his head.

“Really?” he said. “A bike?”

“Well my car won’t always be available and exercise is good for you. Until you get your own wheels, you got a way to get into town at least if I’m not around,” you said.

“How much that cost ya?” he asked.

“Call it last year’s birthday present,” you said. “Wear your helmet too.”

“Seriously,” he said.

“I don’t know, maybe go talk to our neighbor with brain trauma, get his opinion on it,” you said.

“I missed you being a little shit,” he said with a smile.

“I missed you too. Go take it for a spin around the block, doofus,” you said.

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, stopping halfway out the door. “Hey, can I cook dinner tonight? Like, I get to pick?”

“As long as it’s not revolting, sure,” you said. “Oh and as long as you’re living here, you’re doing your share of the chores, got it? So you’re making dinner at least three times a week, deal?”

“Mhm,” he hummed, stepping outside. “I’ll be back in a little while.”

“Have fun, Jack.”

A/N: Read Part 8 here!

[vixen-vangogh]

polyvore was being a pain in the ass no matter how many words i tried to censor so here’s the life update i meant to put in that set

- have been living in a somewhat stable housing environment for almost a year and four-ish months now which is WILD and a huge record break for me.

- kind of have a partner? we're def QPPs and have been nomadic vagabond companions since like 2015 and have been sleeping in the same bed, cuddling, making life plans together hardcore since then. when i try to explain our relationship to others i explain that we are like Bert and Ernie from sesame street. it's not romantic but it's definitely a very serious thing and there is nothing i could forsee that would face our future that would not be faced together as companions. i was kind of chatting with a buddy the other day who was asking abt stuff and i was mentioning how an aphobe asked, 'how is this different from a best friendship, why do you need to call it a queerplatonic relationship?' and my instinct was to be all, 'well idk i mean i think most best friends don't stick their tongues in each others mouths' but like that said, some best friends do that and its totally legit but the main difference is we call it this because it is more accurate to the intricacies of our relationship.

a best friendship implies different things and a QPR is what we have been calling ourselves for some time.

- have come across the term alterous attraction many many moons ago and have concluded that more or less, this has been the basis for all the experiences of 'attraction' i have thought i felt in other categories. turns out i just love being pro/miscuous and cuddly and affectionate with people and it doesn't necessarily have to have any of the other attractions present. it's just an expression of my alterous attraction. and idk it just seems to make way more sense. someone said it was a commonplace for pre-questioning lesbians to make up to themselves crushes on boys with calculations involved about why this person is attractive.

i think maybe i do experience other forms of attraction but they're seldom enough that it's more anecdotal. and i'm going to call them crushes anyway bc it doesn't matter what i say or do - people are going to be confused by me and who i am and i shouldn't have to sacrifice the nuances involved in who i am and how i live my life to try and get smaller minds to understand it.

and nobody has to understand either. i don't even understand. that's heckin ok bro

- i've been on them 'ro/ids (testosterone) on and off for three months in spring/summer 2016 (androderm) and then the injections for some amount of time this year and there's been a lot of body changes. but mainly i'm looking at nu/des of other people on hormones and realizing like... what if I'm actually inters/ex? it makes no sense for my di/ck to be bigger than people a year on hormones in half the time, does it? like what's up there? and my body is signif hairier in a way that is noticeable to me and my QPP.

last week when I got the inje/ctio/n the nurse (who is a really nice lady? like smiley very friendly maternal type) asked me "how did you know?" without other context or anything.

I didn't really know how to begin because honestly no one had ever asked me that before and it's the one question I needed somebody else to answer back when I was like, 15/recently 16 and needed help finding myself. I wished future me could visit past me and tell me like, "hey jsyk this is what you concluded, here's the answers, and here's all the stuff I've realized about our past experiences that were actually Signs that you're #genderqueer"

and I think, another thing, I wish I could have told the past me, that the laws were going to rapidly change in my lifetime, and also to avoid any cis person who suggests therapy "for hormone starts" because that's what led me to like, 2 years of rather unhelpful talk therapy that turned into lowkey conversion therapy.

No one should ever make you write a sob story about your past before they allow you the autonomy to make decisions about your body.

I gave a little backstory of timeline and told her how my mom kept saying things like, "why are you so offended at the idea of being a woman?" etc and how we don't speak anymore, how I came out in 2011 and every day for the longest time I had to explain to other trans people who the heck I was. how my nonbinaryness was seen more as a delusion despite the fact that I found the wikipedia pages and message boards and I knew there were other people like me out there. I didn't know of another #nonbinary person until 2013 and even then I only met them in passing at a panel they hosted. (we ended up roommates for a bit around 2016 but that's another story)

I stopped having to give #genderqueer 101s to the LGBT+ community around 2014.

And I feel like after that Laverne Cox paved a lot of way for us, and Facebook started putting other genders on there (which I'd signed petitions for years before and considered to be a hoop dream)

and there's been corrective r/a/pe I've gone through and so many tears I've cried and sui/cide attempted and hospital visits

and things are definitely still horrific and I can never afford groceries. I don't eat enough to sustain myself and live on welfare and am too medicated and disabled to work and have tachycardia and PTSD and other complications of my own forced resilience

but I'm on testosterone or whatever and I look at the changes that have gone on and I know that I was a part of that

but I'm never going to get credit for it and it pains me how much I'm suffering because I started advocating earlier than the majority of trans people out today.

if I had come out to my mom years later, would we be speaking?

it doesn't ultimately matter, because if we kept speaking I still would have ended up d/ead. coming out and having her react like that, topped with her steal/ing from me when I was homeless, years of sui/cide baiting, physical + emotional + etc a/buse my whole life, it's miraculous I ever made it out alive

it's so painful but I just have never had the privilege of choice.

- I've been thinking to go back to school maybe and that I need to actually go at it full force with passion because I think I have gotten way too down on myself for the results that have come from my own halfa/ssery of it all. And my own procrastination etc.

I wish I had access to medical care as a child or counselling or something more than I ever did have because maybe I would have excelled in school instead of suffered to try and keep my head above water. I mean, I graduated honours (equivalent).

there's too much about my life to be angsty about.

- also idk if i mentioned this but i got ar/rested for protecting indigenous folks at a thing and it was in the news and im not going to talk much more on it bc of privacy but i'm happy to dig up the video of the pol/ice dragging me away and the crowd shouting (and gendering me right ;u;) "LET THEM GO, LET THEM GO" and i was a pathetic mess thru the whole thing and just had the wrong emotions the whole time and like 3+ reporters tried to get a hold of me for interview but I forwarded them to the indigenous leaders of the ceremony instead

we prayed inside the arre/st tent and put down tobacc/o and held ceremony and the c/ops were horrible and took so much personal offence to everything we were and every reality that happened that they wanted to deny. they banned us from the public land we were arrested on and it was horrible.

it was in the news and justin tr*deau showed up for a photo op and the organizers weren't allowed in their own tipi. he wasn't invited.

those with the land claim to the area made an official statement welcoming us and condemning the go/vernme/nt for arrestin/g us.

nothing was ever done about that bit other than them releasing us and i went to the hospital the next day to get my wrist checked because i couldn't really use it and the handcuf/f bruises and the bruise on my knee was massive. it's been two months and it's only now faded.

twitter blocked the image of us in the a/rrest tent holding hands in prayer with the hand/cuffs on our wrists. they said it contained "sensitive content"

tumblr did the same, calling it "NSFW" (weird bc literally photographs of my actual na/ked body with links to where u can buy videos of me jerkin is not labelled NS/FW automatically lol?????)

i asked tumblr to review that and they still labelled it as such.

it's just so blatantly a genuine broach of free speech and freedom of religion. it was a crimi/nalized religious ceremony and i got between the co/ps and a woman praying.

- i saw Against Me! in march and the mosh pit was extreme and I fell down at some point and like seven people pulled me up and that and the getting arre/sted thing has really hecked up my knees ! i feel like they're mostly healed since but i've not even been kneeling on my mattress for even a second to make sure of this. otherwise it's just been sudden pain for months but as i said, i think they're a lot better now.

- i came forward abt a pr/edatory ex and a few others of their victims came to me to say that they had gone through the same and that they were even more pre/datory than had been with me. i lost quite a lot of friends in the matter bc what i accused them of was extremely serious and came across as vicious on my part.

i'm going to take it as alright though, because i know that i've put what i said out there, and if they have read it at all, they can at least have these ideas in their mind going forward and take precautions. this ex was confronted publically and directly on social media about it and there were several witnesses and screenshots i had to things they did and said. i'm hoping that serves as some kind of warning for them, about their actions that they have confessed to with several people, and how these things will come back for them. that they cannot evade accountability, that i am a force of nature and if you wrong me or do a wrong in my witness with no remorse on your part or apology, i'm not going to let you live it down.

i care and i am tired of hearing horrible stories about them from others. others who came to me saying that i had been painted as an abus/er. because i know ! people see me standing up for myself as threatening all the time. they worry they aren't allowed to make mistakes around me.

no matter how many times i say it or prove it, there's always those people who are too cowardly to admit when they do make mistakes and who go to great lengths to protect their pride and entitlement.

i know we are all growing. i seek environments of mutual support and growth. i am now in a phase of life where i am not giving the time to people who have no interest in these environments. anyone can be my friend, if they are ready for it. but i don't owe it to anybody and anything wrong i have done i am at a point where i feel like i am in touch with my own humility.

and if someone tries to milk it because they think my vulnerability isn't also strength and something that comes with at least some ferocity... well, that's not my problem.

- my rabbit Snicklefritz is doing fine. he's shedding like the dickens this season and mischievous as usual but hopefully one day I can afford to make him an enclosure again and I can let him out only when I can keep track of him.

he's ruined a lot of sketchbooks and a lapdesk my QPP got me for the winter holidays that we are both heartbroken about.

- I am trying to become less attached to material belongings and it has helped me a lot when it comes to coping with all the sentimental items left with my mother or in the various times I've been homeless or left exes etc over the years.

My memories are in my heart and not something that needs to be placed externally, in an item.

Have also trying to go zero waste (like, becoming someone who produces no garbage, just recycling and compost) and it's really been noticeable all these small differences. I buy way more bananas, lettuce, etc. And I've been making bread and spaghetti and whatnot and having windowsill gardens.

- I'm not cured of anything or whatever and I'm angsty 24/7 and broke as heckaroo but there's enough of The Little Things In Life (gardening, youtube videos, kisses, etc) to help me get by in the meantime.

- three days ago a friend (who I consider(ed) chosen family) I had purposefully cut out of my life a year ago showed up on my doorstep to tell me I was right about everything and to apologize for all the wrongs. That they reread conversations we had around then and that they have grown and grown into a better place. They were 18 then and 19 now. We were from the same hometown and they're still there but moving to my city in December. I missed them so much and they stayed with me a few days. I feel a bigger sense of home in this city knowing they're going to live here soon too.

- I've been Really Intensely looking thru my DNA and geneology stuff since last winter. For some reason Indian (like, South Asia) shows up in my DNA and some southern Europe/Northern Africa/Middle East kind of region. My father was adopted via a stepdad and I figure this comes from his bio dad. Or maybe it doesn't, I don't really know. My maternal haplotype is supposed to be one that's generally found in African populations which throws that whole theory. My mom and me also had to use hair picks (afro picks) when I was growing up because our hair was so naturally thick and the waves really tangled up. Every time we went to get my hair cut in that white rural town the hairdressers would comment how they'd never seen such thick hair before etc. I'm still struggling greatly to find answers because everybody's last name is phoenetically weird except for my dad's mom's line which has an extremely Cornwall last name and anyone with that name is definitely part of that family.

Doing research to find what I was told growing up (that I was Kanien'keha:ka via my maternal grandmother's grandmother) has been very difficult because I'm not sure which grandmother of hers it was, and one of them seemed to remarry several times and I cannot be sure of any of the surnames being a maiden name. It's also really hard to know what the spelling was supposed to be because it was written phoenetically. But I think that one's likely English anyway. The other one I haven't reached yet but my grandmother's father's father seemed to be from a Metis community outside a reserve where I remember being told we had ancestors. It seems we're descendants of some really famous anglo Metis folk. I've not figured out the specific links to lock the names all into place properly in my family tree but it's the surname and the small community that are an exact match and on the message boards.

It's a lot to think about. I've been struggling with my racial identity for a long time and regardless of nuances and ethnic identity I feel like I'm just doing this research to seem special or more interesting or to branch out my activism. DNA is not ever going to tell me who my ancestors were, just the locations a small handful of random specific ancestors lived. Family trees are going to help, but they're not going to help me too much as someone who doesn't actually have blood family I'm in contact with really.

I might see if I can get in touch with an older cousin I have on Pinterest because she seemed to be the only one (besides my younger cousin) who really ever sent me vaguely kind gestures after I came out. She was the only one who seemed to be supportive when I did my grandma's eulogy. (Aside from my sibling who went up with me. But I don't speak to my sibling for other reasons.)

I have a paternal cousin as well but we're more half-cousins as my dad's mom had a few different men in her life and I don't actually know if he does have full bio-siblings. I don't really know if it's worth it to reach out to her because with all the technicalities and separations and adoptions and half-relatives I don't know whether I can ask her to ask around, or if I can just ask her, or what.

Anyway whatever it's just easiest to explain my ethnicity as being Metis because talking with others and stuff it seems like maybe this is the best way to label myself, to explain my complicated history and acknowledge that my blood ties are not what makes me me, but rather my ethnic ties. I have traditions and beliefs and ancestors I'm reconnecting with and trying to find.

Not all my ancestors were great people. But it is interesting as heck to learn about them. (Especially seeing pictures and some of the weirder resemblances from like, 5th great grandparents.)

Also one of my greats of grandparents crossed the US-Canada border several times in his life and near the end of them the border agent wrote "seems odd" on the thing and I haven't found any explanation for why he was crossing the border either lol which is pretty dang interesting imo.

- anyway idk I think I'm good ?? have been getting a lot of new interests and hobbies lately which feels good, feels right

i'm getting muscles because of them hormones and probably eating healthier or whatever and drinking more water and just livin life as best i can

could use some more dollars however but what can u do when welfare doesn't go up to match minimum costs of living haha :)