#and then i kept thinking about that so i didn't truly immerse myself in the movie

[cryptidghost]

i need to see dune pt.2 again. just to feel it again. just to at least understand it.

[farity]

Obsession, part 3

I spend the day wondering if I should take up Aegon Targaryen on his offer. Mainly because I think it would piss Aemond off. On the other hand, it would piss Aemond off and at this point I just want to be done with him.

Or so I keep telling myself.

To be honest, I can't stop thinking about the way the muscles on his thighs looked in those dress pants, the way his long fingers wrapped around the steering wheel, and the way his neck looks, ready for my teeth to sink into the pale skin while I ride him.

What the actual fuck is wrong with me?

The man is clearly bad news. I've already scheduled a locksmith to replace the lock on my front door and add a security something or other that you can track on an app.

The dig I took at him about his sister's dating clearly hurt. I can't imagine. They can keep the money and the power if the trade off is that you can't see whoever you want. Who wants to be part of something like that? Always looking over your shoulder, always having to run a potential date by your family? Fuck that.

And the nerve to tell me I could do better than my job? Who the fuck does he think he is? Like he could ever have a job not involving his family. I bet that shit wouldn't be "allowed".

I'm going to stop thinking about all the Targaryens and be glad that I am a nobody having a boring life.

* * * * *

"I know something you don't know."

Aemond rolled his eye at his brother. "Is it that I'm going to punch you in the face if you don't shut the fuck up?"

"Jeez, Aemond, you really ought to get laid more often, have that anger fucked out of you." Aegon didn't have to turn and look to know Aemond was flipping him off. "Where are you going?"

Helaena walked past her brothers, turning around with a huff. "I'm going to the immersive bug exhibit at the natural museum. I'm on their VIP list so I get to go an hour before it opens to the public. Anything else you want to know? Or is that not allowed, Aemond?"

Both brothers stared at their usually docile sister. Aegon gave her a thumbs up, and Aemond nodded. "Make sure you take-"

"Yes, Aemond, both of the guys are going with me." She rolled her eyes and walked toward the door, where the two bodyguards assigned to her were already waiting.

"Is she getting more loopy?" Aegon asked after his sister had left, "because an immersive bug exhibit sounds like a fucking nightmare."

While Aemond continued looking for something on his phone, Aegon smiled to himself. "Anyway, I am going to have a very interesting lunch."

"What's her name?" Aemond asked automatically.

Aegon laughed, and kept laughing, and laughed some more as he walked out, leaving a very annoyed Aemond behind.

* * * * *

You walked into the outrageously expensive bistro, full of slimy tech bros and cougars looking for their next meal, and saw Aegon waving you over. He was shorter than Aemond, with a prettier face, and much more mischief in his eyes.

"You made it!" he called out, drawing the attention of several tables, and then, the motherfucker had the gall to take your hand and kiss it, in the middle of the fucking dining room.

He looked up, barely containing a smile, and you narrowed your eyes at him.

"Just water, please," you said to the server.

"Well, that's no fun," Aegon smiled.

You smiled back. "I am going back to work."

He looked at you like he had no idea what you were talking about before taking a sip of his wine.

"So, why did you want to have lunch?"

"Can't a guy want to have lunch with the Lady and Savior of his younger sister? You wound me, you truly do."

The server brought a basket of bread and some piped rosettes of butter and you immediately began to help yourself.

Aegon sighed. "You must be the last woman on this realm who eats bread. Marry me. Marry me before that imbecile brother of mine knows what's good for him."

"Charming proposal, but no. Why are we having lunch?"

Gods, the bread was amazing.

"What's that saying, the enemy of my enemy is my friend?" He accepted a piece of buttered bread you offered and popped it in his mouth.

"If you're referring to Aemond as your enemy, I don't think I want any part of this," you replied, grabbing a second piece of bread.

Aegon swallowed, considered your words, drank some more wine. "We're not enemies, but he's a twat, we can all agree on that," he scoffed. "But in this family, sometimes you have to be. And the whole thing with Helaena has shaken him."

You looked at him and nodded. "I thought that was a daily occurrence for- for some people." You had caught the two guys on the table behind Aegon keeping an eye. And the guy sitting outside. And the guy sitting in the waiting area.

"Not for us," he said quietly. "I mean, there is always danger, but that was pretty fucking brazen."

The server brought the menus and you chose a burger with all the works and fries on the side. Aegon chose a huge slab of meat and more wine.

"Look," he said thoughtfully, "Helaena has spent her life being isolated, first by mom, and now by Aemond, and I don't blame her being bitter about it." He watched you for a few seconds, and you nearly started to feel around your face in case you had something stuck somewhere. "My gut tells me you're okay, so I would like for you to accept Helaena's lunch invitation."

"And if I don't?"

Aegon put his hands up defensively. "If you don't, you don't. All I'm saying is, she's cool, in her own bizarre way, and instinct tells me that you're a nice person who happened to save my sister's life."

"I bet he loves that."

Aegon raised an eyebrow.

You smiled. "I bet Aemond loves that you go by your gut and your instinct."

"Well, he would do the same," he replied, "except he has that huge pole up his ass."

He had a very, very nice ass.

The server returned with your food, and you wondered if they were this fast with everyone's orders or just the Targaryens.

"Will there be anything else, sir?"

Aegon shook his head and began cutting into this meat. "As much grief as I give him, Aemond has a big responsibility on his shoulders."

Broad and lean at the same time.

"He was pretty young when he took over security, and frankly, he's brilliant at it. He's yanked me out of some dicey spots when I hadn't even noticed anything was going on. His hands are full with us."

Oh yes, those long fingers.

"Aare you even listening to me?"

"Of course I am."

"Uh-huh."

I'm not fantasizing about your horrible, yet extremely hot brother at all.

"I will think about it," you said, non-committally.

"Excellent," he said, and made a circling motion in the air which had the server rushing over with a container to throw the huge slab of meat in. "I have to go, doll, it was delightful meeting you."

"Wait, what?"

"Go ahead and stay, everything is taken care of."

He walked out followed by seven men from various tables around you. If people noticed, they pretended not to, and you looked down at your burger wondering what the hell you had just kind-of agreed to.

* * * * *

"She's so cute, Aemond!" Aegon elbowed his brother as he walked by, and found himself on the end of several curious stares.

"Who is?" Helaena chirped up. "Are you dating someone?"

Aegon barked out a laugh. "Oh gods, no, him, dating? No, I mean the girl that's turned you upside down. Your coffeeshop savior, Hel."

Aemond closed his eye and let out a long, annoyed breath. "Please tell me you didn't."

"If you ask me-"

"I didn't."

"If you ask me," Aegon insisted, "she's kind of sweet on you, too."

Only Helaena's excited gasp and little clap broke the silence. "You two would be so cute together!"

Aemond turned sharply, almost snarling at his sister's choice of words. "No."

"Call her up, Hel, I'm sure she'd love to hang out. You can bring her here so that this one doesn't have to worry about you going out."

Helaena rushed out of the living room, no doubt headed to her room to call the girl.

"Aegon, what the fuck are you doing?"

Aegon smiled, then pointed at himself with an incredulous gesture. "Moi?"

"That girl has nothing to do with us, and that's a good thing."

"You know, as smart as you are, you can be a real idiot sometimes. " He leaned back, put his earbuds in, and closed his eyes while Aemond shook his head.

* * * * *

What does one wear to go have lunch with a Mafia princess?

Not heels, that's for sure. Just in case.

I fucking know better but she sounds like such a sweetheart and honestly, she was just going to insist, so we'll have lunch, and then I'll be busy forever, and that will be the end of this fucking bullshit.

There is a knock on my door. Helaena said someone would pick me up and she said her favorite movie was the code in case I wanted to confirm, but that I wouldn't really need to.

Whatever that meant.

Of course, I realize what she meant when I opened the door and Aemond Targaryen himself is standing there. He gives me a look and I'm immediately pissed off.

"What, you couldn't pick the lock this time?"

He smirks. "I didn't want you to have to get yet another one. This kind isn't bad."

"Good."

"It isn't very good, either. You ready?"

Just for kicks, I ask him. "What's her favorite movie?"

Aemond rolls his eye at me, which pleases me greatly. "A Bug's Life."

"Very good," I say condescendingly, and close the door behind me.

He opens the door for me and I get in. The car has a dashboard that I thought only existed in airplanes. Or space shuttles. I'm looking at over a hundred buttons, none of them labeled, and Aemond says nothing.

"Huh," I say casually, "is this the new Batmobile?"

He says nothing and I smile to myself.

He drives for a while and I try my best to examine him without looking at him directly, which is a lot more difficult than I thought. He's wearing all black, a simple long sleeve t-shirt and trousers, nothing fancy about either but you know they're made from the finest wool or cotton or whatever. Maybe they even have their own farm where virgins water the animals with their tears and fabric is made by nuns from some convent where no one ever speaks. His clothes look expensive, his fucking hair, that weird-ass shade of pale, pale grey that is almost white, looks like it was cut strand by strand. He probably uses Kerastase or some expensive shit like that.

The roads get quieter, the houses more sparse, and finally he speaks.

"I really appreciate you having lunch with Helaena. She's looking forward to it."

I want to snap at him. I want to say something vile like, isn't your poor sister allowed to have friends without running it past you? but I don't. She's none of my business. He's none of my business. And the sooner I can be done with the goddamn Targaryens, the better.

"Don't worry, we're not going to be besties or anything," I say because I can't help myself. "I'll have lunch with her and then we can be done."

Even though he has barely spoken during the drive, he goes so quiet that I have to glance at him to make sure he's still breathing. "Done?"

"Yeah, I'm sure she's nice but I want nothing to do with any of you so from-"

He swerves to the right on the empty road and I shriek, putting my hands out to steady myself and he stops the car on the side of the road. "Say that again."

"What the fuck?"

"Say that again." He whirls on me and the fury in his eye is making me regret my choice of words. Because I'm alone in a car with him.

"Look, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with all of you, but I like my life the way it is, and I don't want whatever crazy shit goes on in your world to-"

"Say you want nothing to do with me."

I realize then that it's not fury in his eye, and for a moment, I almost feel bad for him.

And then that goes away.

"I want nothing to do with you," I say, looking at the space between us.

Slowly, his hand moves over to grab my face, turning it to face him. "Say it like you fucking mean it." His eye is on my mouth and although his touch is gentle, I shiver.

I open my mouth and he licks his lips, watching. "Aemond."

"Say it," he whispers.

I can't. I am not sure who reaches forward first but then we're kissing like the world is ending and his tongue is in my mouth, and he tastes like mint and spices and I want more.

He pulls me onto his lap and I straddle him, and his hands, those hands I have dreamed about are on my ass, cupping and kneading and it feels so damn good that I start rocking my hips against him.

Aemond grabs my hips and stops my movements and I pull away from the kiss.

"We're not fucking in this car," he says. "not the first time, anyway." He is struggling to slow down his breathing, and I can't help but smile.

"You presume too much," I say.

One of his hands moves to just inside the waistband of my leggings. "If I were to reach down in here, would I find you wet for me?"

By the motherfucking Seven.

When I say nothing, he brushes his lips over mine one last time. "I do not presume." He moves me back to my seat and I still say nothing, shocked that I wanted him so badly. Shocked that I want him even more now.

He starts the car again and drives the rest of the way to the Targaryen estate.

My mouth still tingles from our kiss and I don't know how the hell I'm going to do as I've sworn and be done with the Targaryens when I want this man sitting next to me more than I've wanted anyone in the last- gods, in fucking ever?

We pull up and the gate opens, then we drive for another five minutes through impeccably manicured fields until we reach the main driveway. He stops before we make the final turn and I steel myself, but he simply caresses the back of my hair. "If I thought for a moment that you didn't want me back, I wouldn't bother. I would let you go." He keeps running his hand down the back of my head and it's almost hypnotic, the way I want to just lean back and close my eyes. "But I can't. Not unless you tell me you don't want me."

"I want to have chocolate all day long. But I don't. Because it's not good for me. Just because I want it doesn't mean I will indulge."

Aemond smiles softly. "Do you really think, for one moment, that you would be good for me? I'm already-" he stops himself and turns back to the wheel, and keeps driving. When we get to the front doors, beautifully carved out of dark wood, he stops and one of the doors opens and Helaena stands there grinning and I can't help but smile back at her.

"Thank you for driving me. I will be taking an Uber back home," I say before I get out.

* * * * *

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[sunny44]

Marriage (Part 10)

Max’s version

Paring: Max Verstappen x ex fiancée!reader Mason Mount x Fiancée!reader

Warnings: probably nothing

Summary: Max leaves his fiancée y/n at the altar on their wedding day but after years of regretting what he did, by a miracle of fate (or Lando) she appears in his life again.

Previous Chapter

The room was immersed in a silence loaded with anticipation as I held the pregnancy test in my bag. Uncertainty hung in the air as I opened the box, anxiously awaiting the result.

Upon realizing the test indicated negative, a sigh of relief escaped my lips. The burden on my shoulders dissipated, and the feeling of freedom was instantaneous. Deep down, I knew I had kept the letter for a reason, one that was now becoming clear.

That's why I decided to read the letter. For some reason, I had translated it, probably because I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it.

So, I opened it and began to read.

"Hi, Y/n.

I know I owe you more than a simple letter saying how sorry I am for everything I caused, but for now, it's what I can do.

You know I've never been an easy person to talk about feelings, and that was one of the main reasons I left you at the altar that day.

I love you, and after we found each other again, I realized I will always love you, no matter how much time passes. I can't stop thinking about you, and I hate myself for making you suffer.

You deserve to be loved, and I really want to be that person in your life again.

If you ever forgive me, know that I'll be here.

This is my number if you want or need to talk.

Xxx xxxx xxx

Once again, I'm so sorry and I love you.

With love, Max."

Obviously, I was crying because even after all this time, I still feel something for him. And as much as I love Mason, Max will always be my first love and the first person I truly loved.

So, I decided to go to Max's room.

I knocked gently on the partially open door before entering, finding his curious eyes watching me.

"Can we talk?" I asked, trying to maintain composure.

"Of course," he replied, gesturing invitingly.

I sat on the edge of the bed, searching for the right words.

"I read the letter, Max." His gaze fixed on me, a mix of surprise and unease.

"And?"

"And I forgive you." I admitted, seeing relief in his eyes.

"Thank you."

"I realized that the reason I keep the letter is because I still feel something for you, even though I was unconsciously denying it." He looked me in the eyes. "Mason found out, and things between us got worse."

"I'm sorry, Y/n. I didn't want to cause more problems."

"I know, Max, and it's not your fault. If I felt nothing for you, I would have thrown the letter away without reading it, but I couldn't, so I kept it." He nodded. "But now I need to deal with the situation because Mason is hurt, and I need to resolve this with him before thinking about anything with you."

"I'll wait as long as necessary."

"Thank you for understanding," I spoke sincerely.

There was a tense moment of silence before I decided to break it.

“Well, I have your number; when I sort my life out, I'll call you."

"Y/n." He called before I left the room. "Can I kiss you? Before you go."

"I'm still engaged, Max." He agreed.

But I decided that I wanted that, as wrong as it was, I wanted it. So, I kissed him; he was surprised for a few seconds but immediately held onto my waist tightly and deepened the kiss.

"I've waited a long time for this," he whispered in my ear. "I meant it; I'll wait for you as long as necessary."

"I know you will, and I appreciate that." I gave him another peck. "I just need time, even though I chose you, I'm not ready to dive into another relationship. I haven't even finished the one I'm in right now."

"I understand. I'm not demanding anything." I agreed. "I don't want you to feel pressured into a relationship with me."

"Thank you for that." He nodded, and I left his room.

...

Several months had passed since that day. I was honest with Mason about everything; I wasn't in love with Max, but I knew I felt something for him, and that's why it wouldn't be fair to commit to him if I wasn't 100% in it.

At the time, he didn't take it well, but a few weeks later, he showed up at my apartment and said he understood. Even though he was still hurt, he thanked me for being honest. He said that even though he still wanted to marry me, it wouldn't be fair to himself to be with someone who wasn't on the same page.

And after he left, I thought about that pregnancy test I told him about. I wondered what would have happened if the result had been different. I would be happy because I always wanted to be a mother, but I don't know what would become of my future and Mason's.

We decided to take some time to recover from the breakup but agreed that when we were ready, and if we were ready, we would try to be friends.

I entered the café where I used to have coffee and ordered the usual. When I thought it was the waitress delivering my order, it turned out to be Max, who smiled and sat at the same table as me.

"Hi," he smiled.

"Hi. I thought it was a race weekend." I said, then thanked them for delivering my order.

"It's next week. I'll have the same, please."

"Where is it?"

"Holland."

"Your home race." He smiled. "That’s nice."

"Wanna come with me?"

"What?" I asked in shock.

"Do you want to come with me to the race?"

"Oh, I don't know if that's a good idea."

"As friends or whatever you want us to be."

"Max..."

"I know; I don't want to rush anything. It was just an idea." He said a bit disappointed.

"Actually, I'd love to." He smiled.

“Really?” He asked and I agree. "Great."

We had our coffee together, and from here, we began to know each other again.

Bonus scene!

Yourusername Instagram stories

“It’s a great weekend to be a Redbull fan”

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Heyy guys, just wanna thank everyone for reading this story, I really love it and your comments and likes made it even more special to me.

I don’t know about you guys but I’m 100% team Mason in this story, even though I love Max, Mase was the right one for her.

[shegoesbyjoy]

i've been thinking a lot about why Disco Elysium in particular has touched the core of my being in a way no other piece of media has and i think there are several factors at play here. this is half a review and half me dumping my various thoughts on this game ever since i finished it a couple months ago.

AS A VIDEO GAME ITSELF—i've been trying to identify what exactly it is about certain games that causes them to rise above all the rest that i've played, and i have come to the realization that in all of them, combat is usually one of the least consequential things on that list. i love Hades, have dumped 160+ hrs into it, but despite it being a very combat-heavy game with extremely tight controls that i do find truly satisfying, that is not what kept me playing. it's the characters, the art, the story, the world-building, the music...

similarly, while the combat in Horizon Zero Dawn is really quite fun, what really charmed me about it was its spunky, badass protagonist and fascinating mechanical creature designs, in addition to the story set in a world that captivated me from beginning to end. Night in the Woods took my breath away with its emotional & poignant writing told through a unique & delightful art style. i didn't even finish The Last of Us, but Ellie's moment with the giraffes is ingrained in my brain—and of course i went ahead and watched someone else play through to the end so i could enjoy the rest of the story without having to slog through zombie fights myself. so while i always appreciate well-executed combat in games (and have given up on games that do it too poorly), it's never what keeps my interest.

SO. what happens when you take combat out of a game entirely, and absolutely excel at everything else? you see where this is going.

THE CHOICE OF MEDIUM—the fact that DE's story was told through a video game (as opposed to a book, a show, a movie, etc.) is absolutely crucial, because of your active role in the consumption of said story. i think that's what gives some of its scenes such devastating emotional impact. watching this train wreck of a character that you happen to be playing blurt out the most unhinged responses despite your best attempt to salvage the situation, coming to terms with the awful reality of what's in front of you at the same time Harry does, seeing the immediate results of your choices as well as slowly realizing how your choices affect the story long-term as the pieces start coming together... all of this creates an immersive experience that is unparalleled. the game doesn't take self-insert so seriously that the protagonist ~can be anyone~ (Harry's characterization is, in fact, very strong and well-established) but there's absolutely no way a Disco Elysium book or show would have the same impact as me having to progress the story by fucking around and finding out.

GAME SPOILERS AHEAD—combining these two aspects of DE helps to explain what made the tribunal the MOST TENSE i've ever felt playing a video game. this is essentially as close to combat as you'll get in this game. you've just spent the last 20-30 hours becoming very familiar with the mechanics of the game with regards to the dice rolls. you become accustomed to the fact that most skill checks are white so you can come back to them, and that red checks are comparatively rare. enter the tribunal: suddenly you have several very high stakes red checks in a row. you can't leave. you can't try an individual check again if you fail. the story itself has been alluding to this very moment throughout the game. people are DYING, and the lives of those that remain, including your own, are on the line. your earlier decisions have come to a head.

it was 3 am when i got to this point in the game, and the reality of the situation i found myself in shook off every bit of sleepiness i'd been feeling up to this point—my eyes were wide open and my heart was pounding.

i know many people who play video games derive a lot of satisfaction from perfecting mechanics, learning patterns, or deducing the weaknesses of a difficult boss. for me, this satisfaction gets dwarfed by the frustration of having to spend far too long dealing with it in the first place. triggering a boss battle oddly takes me out of the story, because it feels like a very marked switch from "being the protagonist in the game's world" to "sitting on my couch playing a Video Game", where the same repetitive action of "killing the enemy" becomes my goal, no matter what the game is.

by contrast, the tribunal was very much a continuation of the story with each skill check having immediate results on how that story plays out. no other moment in the game was quite like it, and i had no idea how this sequence of events was going to go, so every action felt extremely fraught. i was on the edge of my seat in a way no other game has gotten me to feel, because the weight of this encounter felt monumental in DE. and of course, this is where you come across an iconic skill check where you find out exactly how much your previous choices matter...

i was so damn nervous during this check i probably would've cried if i failed it lmao

FUCK YOUR EXPECTATIONS—this leads me to the other thing that's got me smitten with this game: the subversion of expectations. dialogue options are never written so transparently as to have a "correct" answer, and trying to stay neutral with my answers got me a well-deserved smack in the head in the form of a brutal burn about the dangers of centrism. we have 3-dimensional characters that make you growl in frustration one moment and your heart swell in the next, descriptions that make you marvel at both the beauty and ugliness of humanity, situations where you feel crushed by sadness and dread then want to cry tears of happiness because despite all of it, there is still magic left in the world. it's also so goddamn funny. this game is fucking hilarious—and what is comedy, what is a punch line but the subversion of an audience's expectations established during the setup?

Disco Elysium is a game that far exceeds the sum of its parts. it excels in its storytelling, its voice acting brings incredible life to said phenomenal writing, its gorgeous painterly art style is visually compelling, its music is flawlessly incorporated to full effect, it's intellectually stimulating and fascinating philosophically, and as a murder mystery (oh yeah that's what this game's premise is, right?) it's just plain fun to reveal clue after clue while pondering theories as to what the heck is going on. these individual components come together to create a multi-dimensional piece of media that's deeply human, yet fantastical and absurd. it's uncomfortably relatable while inspiring empathy for even the most unfamiliar of experiences.

for instance, i have no personal experience with alcoholism or addiction, but boy do i sure know what it's like to have a compulsion to apologize at every opportunity for simply existing—to want to cease existing, period. i don't know what it's like to grow up and live in a post-soviet country yet the experience in-game felt as vivid as ever, inextricable from the story's identity. i felt a pang of pained recognition in Kim's complicated relationship with his race as diaspora, and found myself wishing i had the ability to respond even half as effectively as he did with the Racist Lorry Driver during my own past run-ins with racist assholes. this game has caused me to think more deeply about my own politics, my relationships, the world around me, the power of art, the role of capitalism, beauty, hope... even what it means to be alive.

A CHANGED PERSON—a realization i came to a while ago while talking to a friend was that almost all of the media i had enjoyed up to that point shared a theme of escapism in one way or another. there have been many moments in my life where i wished to be somewhere else. to be someone else. i immersed myself in stories where the fantasy of it seemed so much better than the reality of my own life. this game forced me to reckon with where i am, who i am. and not only that, it encouraged me to be accepting and loving of the here and now, despite every single flaw i seemed to be obsessed with pointing out. it made it abundantly clear that constantly running away was not a viable way of living, and that flaws were not a reason to give up. "something beautiful is going to happen"—i should very damn well let it.

it's not an exaggeration to say this game has changed me irrevocably, and the fact that this impossible piece of art even exists in this world feels like a miracle. i'm so grateful that i got to experience it.

[here-lies-golden-kamuy]

hello, super happy to see a new gk blog! I was wondering, who are your favorite gk characters and why?

Hello @wallmouse! Thank you for your question (and for being my first ask on this blog, I was quite thrilled to see it!) <3 I have to admit, it was both easy and difficult to answer this question, I'm just bursting at the seams trying to contain my love for these characters! Maybe we have the same favorites, I'd love to know!

I just listed my top three and added some special mentions down below. I realized I couldn't do more than three....it would be too long if I did, HAHA!

I tried censoring spoilers so that other people who are new or maybe haven't catched up with the manga can read it as well! SPOILER-FREE BUT AS ALWAYS, A LOT OF THOUGHTS <3

Ogata Hyakunosuke Maybe the Lone Mountain Cat isn't as Alone as He Thinks He is

I've recently been immersing myself in GK again and it made me remember how much I love Ogata! I literally made my first post and meta about him, that's how much he means to me!

Ogata, Ogata, Ogata...where do I start? I think ever since he became more prominent in the series - starting when he woke up from the hospital and escaped - I think I was drawn to his very mysterious personality.

Throughout GK (at least, until the latter points of the story), we had no clue whatsoever what Ogata wanted out of everything that was happening to the characters. Why did he want the gold? Why did he go against Tsurumi? Everyone had their own ideas about him, but his true desires and self was kept hidden from all the characters, even us readers!

Ogata keeps people on their toes, always the enemy or stranger in the group and never a true ally, much less a friend! He's driven and cocky, but also patient and calculating. He tries to play his cards right, and usually, it pays off! When it doesn't pay off, I still can't help but root for him in the end, because at some point in GK, I began to truly care for him and his safety and well-being.

Ogata is a character of shadows and mystique. He is both so full and so empty, and I love the paradoxes within him. Quite truthfully, he triggers my "i can save him" hindbrain, HAHA (his backstory was an interesting mix of tragedy and horror in my opinion!). And though I know he'd rather shoot me down than let me take care of him, I still wanna <3

Koito Otonoshin This Koi Fish isn't Just a Pretty Face to Look at.

Koito!!!! KoiTO!!!! KOITO!!!!!!! [monkey screa-] I love him so much!!! He's actually one of the first characters that I truly fell for in GK. Originally when he was introduced, I didn't really bat an eye for him. Sometimes even, he would be annoying because of his initial introduction as another Tsurumi Fanboy TM (sigh).

But when he was further solidified as a character in the Karafuto Arc, I was thrilled to get to know him more! He's so annoying (affectionate) but he also was someone who had a refreshing vibe from the rest of the soldiers in the Sugimoto's Karafuto gang gang.

Of course, this is because he's the uh....least traumatized out of all the soldiers in GK. But I loved his enthusiastic and carefree youthfulness, I loved his appreciation for the good and nice things in life, and I loved how he stood out in his radiance amongst his group mates!

His backstory and his eventual growth...I was howling in that arc and the more he developed as a young man and as a character to truly root for!!!! I wholeheartedly enjoyed seeing him grow and become a person who acknowledges his flaws and limitations, but still wants to be more - not for his own gain, but for the people around him. He's so swoon-worthy, isn't he?

Koito is a character that exemplifies light and hope. He wears his heart over his sleeve and isn't afraid to get down and dirty with his authentic self and I truly adore that in him. He makes me want to praise him for being such a good guy, I wonder how he'll react to the compliment hehe~

Tsukishima Hajime The Moon is so Lovely Tonight, isn't it?

Hajime.... [with so many emotions] Out of the three, Tsukishima is the one that makes me feel so much, it's sometimes overwhelming! He wasn't meant to stand out in the first few chapters/episodes, but whenever I watch it now, I can't help but happily shout his name when he does show up. Kind of like calling out to him too, as a certain second lieutenant does.

Where do I begin! I think what drew me to Tsukishima was the fact that he was a solid foundation for the seventh division. If you think Tsurumi is the one that keeps people in line within the seventh division....I'd also like for you to consider Tsukishima! Sure Tsurumi is the one that leads and spurs the men's hearts toward their goal, but Tsukishima is the one who's actively keeping everyone together. You could say that he's the unofficial mother hen of the seventh division, and honestly....he is.

With Koito, you get to know him more in the Karafuto Arc and it's devastating!!!! His backstory just drew me in and never let me go. His misguided sense of loyalty, service, and self were so painful to accept and to see, and you can't help but want to reach out to the pages and shake him!!!! Hajime! You matter!!!

He's someone who makes you want to have a good and peaceful life in the future. He's someone I really grew to love and appreciate because you know he's a good man deep down in his cold exterior. He's a man that got so broken, he couldn't see anything good out of the shards and pieces of him.

Tsukishima is a man who drowned in the darkness around him. Again, like Ogata, he makes me want to care for and love him (men who make me go 'ohhh i can fix him' activates my hindbrain the most). But I think unlike Ogata, he's someone that actually wants that gentleness and would turn towards it, rather than shun it away.

SPECIAL MENTIONS

Those are my top three (again, I love them all equally, so there's no one higher or lower), but special mentions are the following: Tanigaki, Kirawus, Sugimoto, Ariko and Kikuta (I like them both equally too), and Ushiyama! In my current rewatch I'm also starting to appreciate Shiraishi and Hijikata more, and I hope I get to know them more this time hehe.

Thank you for your ask, once again, love! <3

[thefanficwriterscraft]

Hi!! This is going to be very long-winded so I apologize in advance.

I just discovered you guys yesterday so I am catching up on episodes. Today I listened to the OC one and it really made me want to throw in my two cents about x reader/x you fanfic written in second person because as of this summer it was pretty much unknown to me and now it's all I write.

A little backstory on me -- I first started writing fanfiction at 13 for House MD believe it or not. Which tells you basically everything you need to know about me lmao. Actually, Jo, when I heard your username, pebblysand it actually triggered a deeply distant memory for me, like I had seen your name somewhere before. Then when you mentioned you also wrote for House MD I was sure that is where I had seen it. I was also in the Harry Potter fandom (moreso was there for Snape) but never wrote for HP.

Anyway, bringing us up to present day, in college I wrote for both Fable and Once Upon a Time, but after that I stopped writing fic for about 10 years. It wasn't until early June of last year that I fell in love with a certain metalhead that took the fandom world by storm -- Eddie Munson.

Coming back into fandom like this after being away for so many years was a bit of a shock for me. It took me a while to feel it out and find my place in it all, especially when it came to writing fanfic. Actually, this fandom was my first encounter with second person fic writing, in fact it is the most popular ship in the fandom -- Eddie x Reader. Even wildly more popular than Eddie x Steve (Steddie).

I immediately fell in love with this concept and thought it was actually quite brilliant because at the end of the day, that's what we want. To be able to insert ourselves into a story where Eddie falls in love with us. Not through some OC as was the norm before. But going further than that, what I really wanted to get into was that depending on the length of the story, these reader characters really are OCs. But because they are never given a physical description it is so much easier to insert yourself into their role in the story, which is why a lot of us read this kind of fic in the first place.

In the podcast, it seemed like the two of you didn't have a ton of experience reading this kind of fic, so I wanted to elaborate on the concept. In some cases, yes, people are writing based on request. Especially for oneshots and drabbles where characters can be a bit more vague. Physical descriptions are kept to a minimum as a standard, but in a lot of cases, people like myself do give their reader characters fully fleshed out backstories and room for character development just like any other leading character in a novel. The story I am writing at the moment is truly a novel with all the benchmarks of one, but written in second person.

You would think that this would defeat the purpose of x reader but quite the contrary, in my opinion. When reading second person it really allows you to immerse yourself into the story, for you to pretend to be someone else for a while. That's the real beauty of it for me, because I'm not constantly jarred by seeing someone else's name and picturing their OC as if I'm watching it from a 3rd person pov. It removes the barrier which typically turns me away from reading character x OC fic and allows me to really be immersed.

I adore this trend. I think it's the best thing to happen to fanfiction in recent years. It doesn't appeal to everyone, but it functions beautifully in storytelling.

I also adore this podcast that you've created together! It's a gift, thank you so much for it.

Thank you so much for this amazing message, this is so interesting. For anyone who needs context, our episode on OCs is here:

I (@pebblysand) will add my thoughts in here and I'll let @copper-dust reblog if she has anything to add.

Firstly, as a side note, the fact that you know my username from House is wild, thank you so much, I'm in awe that you remember me haha. Also, interestingly, one of my House fics (which only exists on ffn and is really bad) is actually from a second-person POV (though no reader insert). I haven't written second-person POV since but as I said on our POV episode, I really do like it when it's done well (which definitely wasn't the case in that fic, lol).

Regarding the reader-insert info you gave us, thank you so much, that is so interesting. As (I think) I said on the ep, the only fandom that I'm familiar with where I've seen this be quite an important trend is Peaky Blinders, though I have seen quite a few people talk about them on TikTok as well. I can imagine it being prominent in real people fandoms, I can see how it suits the appeal that you've described so well.

I think (IIRC) I was quite dismissive of this trend in the original episode, and for that I apologise. I think my struggle was very much rooted in what you're describing in your ask, which is that these reader-insert characters generally seem to be fully-fledged people! The ones I've skimmed through on Peaky Blinders seem to not only have a certain appearance but most importantly fully-fledged personalities. Thus, I've always struggled to see how a reader "inserts" themselves in them. To me, it feels like this is the complete opposite of a self-insert, it's like being asked to insert myself into someone who isn't all like me 😅. To give you an example, I'm someone who is quite loud IRL, so if I read a reader-insert that's like "you are small and quiet," I'm like, "well, no" 😆 and that kind of puts me off. But now that you've explained people use these to basically cosplay in the story as someone else, that makes a lot more sense. And, I can totally see how having a second-person narrative also helps with that because obviously, you're probably having an easier time including the character in the story.

I think I've also wondered at times if those reader-inserts aren't actually self-inserts on the part of the author, but I suppose that is just the same deep-rooted biases we all exhibit when it comes to assuming that there's a little bit of the author in every OC (which isn't true). And, also, as @incalculablepower said in their original ask, even if some OCs are self-inserts, there is nothing wrong with that, as long as they're well crafted.

So, yeah, thank you for reaching out and defending your trade, it really opened my eyes to some things. I don't think it's a trend I would particularly like to dive into - personally - but I can now totally see the appeal, and I definitely think that regardless of how you write them, creating OCs requires a lot of work and mastery of the craft, which is super commendable. This is making me want to do an episode on real people fandoms and reader-inserts now (lol), so if you'd like to come on to talk about that, give us a shout! I have so many questions haha.

[spacemagicandlaserswords]

Pass the happy! 🌻🌈 When you receive this, list 5 things that make you happy and send this to 10 of the last people in your notifications!

Thank you! This is the second one of these that I've received and I should probably do them. It feels like one of those things or exercises that are good for you that psychologists encourage you to do. At least it feels like one that I've been given in the past. Not much makes me happy anymore but hopefully I can find enough things to list.

The Bad Batch. This is my current hyperfixation and I cannot put into words how good/relieving/happy? it is to have something that your brain can actually focus on and be occupied and enraptured and consumed by and not feel like it's slowly decaying mush that is past its prime.

Watching The Clone Wars for the first time. It's a little project I've got going on for myself to document my thoughts and reactions as I watch The Clone Wars (and then Rebels) for the first time. For various reasons I never ended up watching TCW or Rebels when they first came out. I am deeply enjoying watching it now and I can literally feel myself falling more and more in love with the clones. I adore them. I just want to clutch them all to my chest and protect them from the world and their fate. I just finished watching 2x10 'The Deserter' and I have so many thoughts and reactions and opinions because omg was it such a good episode for a whole multitude of reasons, the very top being REX CHEST. Watching the TCW is the only thing that makes me laugh these days. Cackling and laughing at my laptop at 2am as I watch this ridiculousness (affectionate) are my only moments of actual joy and if that's all I can ever find now then fuck it I'll take it.

Being more involved in fandom again. I'm really enjoying interacting more on Tumblr again. I didn't realise how much I'd missed it. It took a bit of prodding from my psychologist and it wasn't the project I had actually talked about doing but finally starting this little side blog for my Star Wars nonsense has actually given me something worth existing for again, as ridiculous as it seems.

Reading fanfic. Everything for fanfic writers, they deserve the world and more. They make these intricately crafted universes or tiny moments and vignettes, give us a world to wholly immerse ourselves in and sink into, provide us with an escape from the miserable existence of our hellscape and then give it away FOR FREE?! This is one of the reasons I've always loved fandom and why it's one of the few places (possibly the only) where I feel I can be the real genuine me and like I belong. So much of fandom is based on the love and passion of something that we adore so much and the free exchange and gifting of things to each other and complete strangers and the whole fandom at large that express our love for our thing (eloquent, I know). Fics, fanart, gifs, gif sets, screenshots, remixes, deep dive analyses, thoughts, reactions, theories, everything. Fanfic has always been the one that that best typifies that to me. I'm currently reading The Prime Override by @yukipri and omg is it just absolutely truly astounding. It is such a good read! Go and read it. You must. It is an absolute Must Read. Put it at the top of your To Read list/pile and then start reading it immediately.

Writing fic. I didn't think I'd ever do this. I have voraciously inhaled fanfic for probably over half my life now but I didn't think I'd ever be good enough to actually write fanfic. I've always been stronger and had more experience in academic writing and wasn't quite as good at creative writing in school. Poor little teenage writer me must've internalised this and taken it to mean that I wasn't good enough at creative writing. I've always had ideas for scenarios/alternate realities/fantasies related to various fandoms I've been in over the years but that's what they remained, ideas stuck in my head. Until I kept having more and more of them about the The Bad Batch and they kept lodging their claws into my brain and refusing to leave. I think it all just built up to a point and then one particular idea pushed it all over the edge (along with a few other things). Before I realised what I was doing I had basically just keyboard vomited a whole bunch of words into a google doc in an actually passionate and motivated haze that I hadn't experienced in years, probably close to a decade. I haven't had that feeling of actually, genuinely enjoying something and being so passionate and deeply involved in it that it feels like you can't keep up with your own thoughts in so, so, so long. The kind where you look up at the clock and somehow it's 2:30am in the morning and you have no idea how time had passed that quickly and for how long you'd been so deeply consumed by and focused on what you were working on. I thought it had been lost to me and that I'd never experience it again after everything that's happened. But writing fanfic has given it back. It's not the same, it never will be, but it's something similar, if changed, and related and I will take it and cling on to it for dear life for as long as it stays.

Well that got a bit more long and involved than I intended. I've always had a habit of rambling and blithering on in my internet typings so that makes sense. I'll try to keep the next one a little shorter.

[privacyredux]

45oz water

4:14pm - los angeles

today has been kind of slow tbh. not in a bad way though. i got to catch up a bit more with charlie and eric. i made plans or well, i guess i'll get to that bit later. since i wasn't going to dinner at charlie's i went shopping with them for the shit she'd need. honestly she's who encouraged me to come down in the first place and ive had a really good week plus in los angeles. better than usual actually. it's honestly not my favorite place in general, but i don't really feel like i have any complaints. i got my ass handed to me by ai again, but i guess that's just how shit goes. at least im not alone bc she did too.

the reason i can't go to dinner is bc i have other dinner plans. last night i went to see valeria at work again. it was kind of funny bc i offered to bring her some candy (sour patch watermelons) she was talking about doordashing and she kept insisting that she needed to pay for it and give me the tip she had planned on giving them. which turned into offering to pay for my drinks and me saying id just give her that money and more in tips. i guess she really has strict feelings about owing other people or something. regardless, even though i said i didn't think she owed me anything, we settled on dinner tonight as a compromise. i'm looking forward to it.

but anyway, uh it was fun. i did some karaoke. *nsync at her request and then doing bastille's laura palmer brought us around to talking about twin peaks, which she had never seen. and truly isn't even optimistic about enjoying, bc apparently she hasn't enjoyed much david lynch. she was gonna give it a try though, so even if it's pure complaints it'll be interesting to get her take. i dunno what it is, i do find most of valeria's views interesting, but even in general i just like hearing what people think about shit. like barring some offensive shit, even if i completely disagree and want to debate what they're getting out of it, it still keeps me completely occupied hearing another person's take on it.

yeah so that's how i had dinner plans for today. otherwise, i spoke a bit with blair again about lotr bc i was watching a minimal amount of rings of power just to do it. if i start it, i'll be more likely to continue and feel caught up for the new season. freya has been pretty busy so i haven't talked to her as much as i had the week prior. and im trying to make some direct plans with sabrina so i don't miss her before she's crazy busy. as much as i have a tour starting next weekend it's just for a little bit and hers is a whole ass thing. so hopefully i'll see her at the event and hang out a bit. i plan on coming to see her on tour too, but i know how that goes. it's all chaotic for me and i don't have nearly as much shit going when im on tour. i really doubt i understand the chaos of that level pop tour.

other than what's going on this week, and packing and cleaning up my place a bit, i think i'm ready for tour. ready to be pulled out of everything for a little bit and just immersed in work. especially in japan. i know i'll have a good time and i can kind of just enjoy everything around me and revisit places i love. i don't know there's an awful lot of love that i get out of visiting there. i'm positive it'll make me feel good regardless.

i watched something this week, i forget what, where one of the characters pretended to be an eels fan and it's just had them on the brain. also, i mentioned liking myself less when i was numb and it came together. and it's true. eric is keeping an eye on things too which is nice. probably not necessary, but i probably would've said that even when it was. so i'll accept the help and attention there.

falling apart - slow pulp

why do i cry - margo guryan

novocaine for the soul - eels

[haptureratch]

Here we go again

I'm really glad that self h@rm is not wired into me as a thing to do because I am so beyond frustrated with myself today. I think that someone who was going to do that kind of thing would....be doing that kind of thing right now.

I keep going in the same circles. It's a reminder to find a replacement therapist since Kathleen departed from MH. But in the meantime it's super frustrating. Speaking of frustrating WHAT IS BETTERHELP EVEN DOING and HOW DID THEY LINK ME WITH THE PERFECT THERAPIST BACK IN 4TH YEAR??????????????????????????????? Like were their business practices okay back then and it all changed after my work with Amy?

Anyway, these circles. I keep convincing myself that I'm extremely hurt. This time it was Steven proposing he go see a film Saturday night being shown in a special format--and it's a super important film for him. And for some reason my resource hoarding or WHATEVER kicked in and I freaked out that he would be willing to lose half of our only designated time together for a film. Not only that, I FUCKING JUMPED TO THE IDEA. HE LITERALLY OFFERED THAT HE WON'T GO IF I'M STILL VERY SICK. But what did I do instead of be honest about my needs???? I got it into my head that if I was honest and kept him from the movie, it would signal I'm too broken and he's always going to have to choose between me and his passions. OH BUT WAIT IT GOES FURTHER, and without voicing any of that I merely said "I don't want to keep you from the movie if it's that important to you" and STARTED TO FREAK OUT IN MY HEAD THAT HE'D PICK THE MOVIE OVER ME.

Not only that, but I got offended that he would change our plans when I'm still recovering from Covid. And that it put me in a situation of 'His Passion Vs. Me' after I had just voiced my worry that I need him more than he needs me. In that moment, I had felt so small and cast to the side and offended that he would make that demand in my weakened state after I had just been vulnerable about my biggest fear....

NOT ONLY THAT but I did it AGAIN where I made him feel like he's not doing enough. I completely forgot that every weekend has been spent with me. That he's working these crazy hours in this job he didn't have to take. That he put his life on hold for me.

What a fucking shit show, guys. I am literally so sick of myself.

All of it was avoidable. If I had just been honest and said my health is still shaky.

My anxiety may not kill me, but it's going to ruin this relationship like it ruined my medical career if this shit doesn't stop.

----

You know what, though.... I did get the thought that my life is also different since meeting him. I do not spend my weekends with Emma and/or my parents anymore. I basically ended my friendship with Emma because I thought it would be a bad influence! But I don't tell him those things outright (with the exception of Emma, to explain why her and I have not been spending our usual time together). Because I truly wouldn't have it any other way. Yet it seems like I get reminded with some regularity that his life has changed to accommodate me in it. I will need to run this by someone to see if I am over-reacting or if this is a legitimate thing to bring up. Because while it is important for people to be individuals, isn't an individual going to restructure their time in order to cultivate a serious relationship? Or is that incorrect? Or should I be explicitly showing him the ways I'm changing to accommodate him? Or am I really just pathetic/needy (my judgement about myself) in that I would happily restructure everything in order to immerse myself in these beautiful things I've always wanted?????????