#and then hes like oh yeah i shouldnt kms

[gaoau]

Timothy Drake cannot kill himself—not through lack of want or trying. the more he thinks about it, the tighter his chest grows. it settles deep in his gut, a tangle and a knot he can't seem to repair. he will be missed, he will hurt people, he will add another case to be dusted regularly.

he doesn't want it any less.

it's not fear, he knows that much, because he's faced worse and scarier fates than death. if he can swim through a sea of rats, he can commit suicide. he could commit suicide. he can't commit suicide.

it's guilt. it's responsibility. it's the weight of everybody's livelihoods conking him in the head again and again. he's come this far—he can't let it be his fault this time. the thought of blood on anybody's knuckles in the name of his loss makes his stomach churn. he considers it for a moment and then he's feeling the bile rise up his throat. it stings his eyes with tears he can't bring himself to shed for anyone anymore.

he wonders how long it'll eat at him for. he shouldn't have done it, he knows, but he's only human. in the face of insanity, betrayal, death, and rats, he's only a boy staring down at far too many graves. he shouldn't have done it and he didn't do it.

he jumped. he knows he did. without gear, without armor, without borrowed wings on his back. it was familiar and welcoming, and he will remember it for the rest of his life, see it in dreams and nightmares on repeat. it was what he wanted, but his arms were reaching out for purchase before he could blink. a dislocated shoulder and a half-full dumpster later, he was staring up at the cloudy night sky with blurry vision.

then, he heard the squeaks and the rustling among dozens of rotting trashbags. glue traps are cruel, he thought, as much as he hates rats. (hates, he's not phobic.) it was only when he watched the critter scurry away, at the cost of a bleeding, swollen finger, that he allowed himself a moment to breathe.

he blinked once and soon he was emptying his stomach out on the concrete. he shouldn't have done it, he knew and he knows, but it would have worked. he curses and curses, because his body is faster than his brain, because Robin is stronger than Tim, because protecting Gotham means protecting himself.

Timothy Drake cannot kill himself, so he decides he will die in battle, where his blood will always wash somebody else's off the floor.

[romsabombs]

malevolent part 46 the unclean live listen notes

SPOILERS BELOW

faroe jumpscare

is she haunting him lol

i cant believe he slept

"its probably an animal" u guys keep forgetting what podcast you're in

"you were sleeping?" "NO👹" defensive for no reason

stop hiding things from eachother challenge impossible

"it was just Things" 😐

what is blud yapping about😭🙏

LILY MENTIONED‼️

yeah yeah we know john we were all there🙄

cheesy ass episode where are the horrors

TRAIN STORY CALLBACK :33333

u dont have to remind me this story is bouncing around in my brain at all times

ooohh okayyyy music

arthur is not registering any of this let the man sleep💀

john praising lily for just doing her job is so funny to me

omgg :3 faroe is hanging out

no its not malam his ass doesnt sound like that

is he not even considering that it could be faroe usually he jumps at any chance to mention her

its disney pixar movie brave

shes guiding him?? showing him the way??

do u think they're fae

oh hes being compelled

"we shouldnt just sit here" ya thatd be a boring episode

hes fighting it

they're fae i faer

maybe just go the opposite direction

"what We're seeing" ok arthur

oh ermm😕😕

ANOTHER CULT??? COME ON😐😐

omg crying obsidian literally minecraft

oh dear a child. oh nvm He

its that dead child in the river isnt it

HAHA HE ROBBED THEM

arthur what happened to your decluttering mindset

HAHA YORRICK💀💀💀 they kidnapped his ass

oh his ass gonna is snitch on us

👹fuck mother darkness👹

"as unfortunate as that is" 💀

what makes u think he didnt lie to you about being the last of his kind

"we wouldn't be walking into a trap BLINDLY" "we'd be walking in with MY EYES wide open"

yorrick if you dont rat us out we'll buy you a lego set😇😇 or a chew toy

bro just dont follow him hes obviously just using the bag to bait you

ok dont get the bag guys r u dumb

STUPID!! DONT!!!! ☠️😠 guys i cant keep defending you

they will not ignore the lights bruh🙏

god we're only 19 minutes in

they're gonna die from this bruh

goddamn it john😭

oh no💀💀💀 man come on

they're cooked🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

wait is it actually okay i cant tell anymore

oh😕😕😕 BLERGH☹️☹️

naur the hunt got to him🙏

idk wtf is going on anymore bruh

okay ya its still a trap

dont drink that fucking water bruh i bet his corpse was in there

ofcourse it looks inviting bruh💀💀

they're what

💀💀 HAHA HE LEFT dumbasses

funny as hell now what

DONT DRINK IT HAHA ARE U CRAZY

it looks inviting again huh😐😐

NOOOOO💀💀 jarthur needs a babysitter bruh

"it leads men astray" only men huh😐 god forbid women have hobbies

HEART OF THE FOREST MENTIONED‼️‼️‼️‼️

they're trying so hard to be otgw

IN THE DREAMLANDS?

YEAHHHHH

omg i knew it'd come back

no guys maybe it's the same forest remember when u gave it your finger n u actually didnt need to and u said Lets hope they'll pay us back

FAE FAE FAE THEYRE FAE💥💥

mushroom smell is a core memory for him💀💀

HAHA WTF sillyness

william mentioned

what is his ass yapping about 😭

is this still a trap wtf r these mushrooms doing to him💀

hes dancing???? naur what the hell

hes cooked the fae got to him💀🙏

music is distorting ermmm😕

blud snorted too many mushrooms

WHAT?????? not the traumadumping

madness madness madness

man what the hell

☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️

man i thought he had a relatively good relationship with his dad😕

YOU DID WHAT😨😨

WHAAAT WHAT THE FUCK MAN

did the dancing exhaust him

😕 man what the hell was that

what the hell wait what now

its the king isn't it

this eppy is crazy man ill kms

the fae got to him‼️🗣️🗣️

EVERYONE SPEAKS IN YOUR VOICE BRUH THERE IS ONE VOICE

what is going on bru

WHO?? 🗣️ horick???

was the shrine for him then

bro is bargaining💀

wuh oh😕

WHAT😨😨😨

YOUNGER????? not again arthur💀

once a child murderer always a child murderer

is arthur pulling this guy's chain bru

nah he was definitely lying right😕

fym "what are you doing" what are YOU doing

he what. he slept?? i think arthur was just pulled away from him so he was like. unconscious?? maybe

they just keep making secret deals with evil gods🙄

oh man hes so ashamed

john trying to have a moment with him and getting shot down again

so whats the plan here are you just gonna go back to killing children

"us" hmmmmmm

hes definitely not gonna tell john abt the deal

oh he did. but not about the child part

YEA THE CORPSES RIGHT

yess i was right💥💥💥💥

yeesh😕

i like how in audio dramas the throwing up sound is always just some tin foil getting squeezed

what an episode. i have to pee so bad

MMMM REALLY not liking the theme im seeing in this season (children)

[bucketspammer4life]

☆ How The Boxers Drive ☆

made this bc evil (im running out of excuses) this has been rotting in my queue for a while now

Glass Joe

- Really paranoid, i dont blame him cars are really flammable

- will panic if even one scratch gets on his car

- Just really careful with where he parks & when he parks

- if anything suspicious is on his windshield he'll panic because what if its used to mark him for something

-you know how moms go "slow down your gonna crash!!" if you speed up while driving? Yeah thats him

Von Kaiser

- unhinged driver, he'll go 50 kilometers a hour with the most bored expression ever

- put on your seatbelts because he loves to take sudden turns

- you have to hold on for dear life to anything because he doesnt understand what the words "slow down" means

- do not turn on the lights, just dont or he'll literally hiss at you

- driving like hes in a police chase, damn peepaw slow down

Disco Kid

- blasting his ears out + also going ridiculously fast

- you better hope the radio stops after a crash or you'll die to california girls

- doesnt do sudden turns thankfully

- drives even faster at nighttime, disco is really out for blood

- dont even bother honking at him, he cant hear you over his 92827298272 hour playlist

King Hippo

- he cant drive, what are you all on

- no literally, even if he could find a car to fit him, he still wouldnt be able to operate it

- too overwhelming for him anyways

- He gets carsick too easily

Piston Hondo

- actually responsible & obeys traffic laws (LIKE A LOSER!! BOO TOMATO TOMATO TOMATO RUN OVER PEOPLE INSTEAD!!)

- cant listen to music while driving, it just doesnt work for him

- if you honk at him he'll stare into your soul

- actually reading the road signs (LIKE A NERD!! BOO TOMATO TOMATO TOMATO THE LAW SUCKS)

- overall responsible driver

Great Tiger

- another driver from hell

- honks to communicate with people, at some point you'll have to consider ripping off the steering wheel or your ears

- blasting his music, he has damaged hearing because of that

- speed limits are for cowards,he'll gladly go 100 in a 30 zone

- reading road signs but not caring at all

Bear Hugger

- oh no.

- okay driver but wont shut up, bear we get it you shouldnt piss off or piss ON a moose you couldve ended it there

- eating snacks in the backseat makes him do the ultimate dad move™ (the hand thingy dads do when you eat snacks)

- "yeah you can push those to the side make yourself comfortable" as his backseat is filled with maple syrup bottles, a pair of moose antlers and the weirdest shit you can imagine, bear im really sure you dont need a entire ass stop sign

- doesnt speed but takes sudden turns way too often for your stomach to stay in one piece (can we get much higherrr, so highhh)

- also honks to communicate

Don Flamenco

- this fucking menace needs to be stopped

- He sings in the car, Don nobody needs to hear you sing poker face please dont crash

- unintentionally speeding, always 5 km over the speed limit

- holy shit he needs his license taken away

- He texts while driving, how worse can you get??

- you know "get in loser, we're going shopping."? yeah thats him whenever he comes to pick someone up

- Does more singing than driving

Aran Ryan

- wait what

- He actually obeys traffic laws & is okay with speed limits? What a switch

- He knows how to shut up too

- He may be a nuisance but he keeps it off the road because nuh uh no one is dying in a car crash today

- has sobbed in his car multiple times (mostly while driving) thats the most you can get him

- him & his car have been through thick and thin, he has laughed in that car, cried in that car, screamed in that car, sung in that car, he has went through everything with his car, it legally counts as an artifact

Soda Popinski

- license, on the kitchen table, NOW.

- he used to drive when drunk when he was a alcoholic (hence his past name, vodka drunkenski)

- doesnt use any kind of navigation when driving, he uses his gut feelings & they either: work, fail miserably or have you end up in a seperate country and either way its concerning

- has crashed into multiple signs & trees

- speeds when bored

- oh my god this man is a mess

Bald Bull

- calm the fuck down

- same deal as kaiser, unhinged driver with the most bored expression ever while asking you "how was your day?" like dude please slow down

- hes the reason the term road rage exists

- will gladly get out of the car to fight someone

- honking at him is a one way ticket to fucking die - land

- i hope awkward conversations are your thing because he'll try to do a icebreaker and ask stuff

- keep the lights off unless its the night or he'll chuck you out of the car like you're a McDonald's™ napkin

Super Macho Man

- jail.

- hes driving on the sidewalk. DRIVING ON THE SIDE FUCKING WALK.

- drives even if hes tired

-suprisingly brash with his car considering it costs a fortune

- He didnt hit the street lamp, it hit him

- blasting the worst music ever as he goes through a quiet neighborhood at 3 am

Mr Sandman

- oh my god finally a good driver

- hes a law abiding citizen

- hes the only one allowed to drive

- the only thing you can get him on is slamming his car door a little too hard but thats better than going 92827281962629912619916281972729229 in a 30 km zone or stopping halfway through to fight someone

- will not talk, ever.

- hes the first option when the wvba needs to ride somewhere and cant find a driver

[cheryls-blossomed]

hey, the new anon again fjfjf hmm i will forever hate the writers for that Nugjtmare scene tbh. Bc if barry saw that nightmare about patty and was worried about her then why did he let her go lol ure right they wanted to make the relationship seem at that time but ugh anyway ..

I mean yeah I think writers rlly don't care about iris or wa much idk I think I think this way bc I'm totally biased lol and I want the show to be about barry iris and WA maybe a bit Cisco and Caitlin sjfjfhf and not the 37474 other characters they have crammed in the later seasons after S3.

I was watching 3x16 and...I don't understand why barry broke off the engagement even after iris forgave him??? It was so baffling to me. I was so upset when I watched it the first time. Did the writers or grant say anything about it? Why barry made that decision...? shouldnt he be happy that iris forgave him and why would he like stay away from her when she was literally going to die.

Ah, yeah, I wish the show was just about Barry, Iris, WA, and the Flash Family, honestly. Alas, that was never this show.

The nightmare thing also didn't square with the fact that Barry was aggressively chasing a facade of happiness to prove Thawne, instead of being in the moment with Patty. He was never present for that relationship and that's why it was bound to fail and why it ended up failing so quickly.

Oh yeah, 3x16... lol, there's no reason, nonnie. They just did that to set up the plot for the musical episode, 3x17. Barry and Kara are meant to learn the same lesson (although the episode attempting to put KM on the same level as WA... was a choice, to say the least, lol). But yeah, that plot point in 3x16 doesn't make any sense, but it's not supposed to: it was purposely contrived just to set up the musical episode.

TPTB constantly make contrived writing decisions for the sake of plot, in general. That one in 3x16 just particularly stood out, because it made no sense at all.

But we got Barry serenading Iris and Runnin' Home to You and that beautiful proposal in 3x17, so most of us just ignore 3x16.

[plushievash]

how did leo/alexei happen? give us lore!

so for a long while they both had crushes on each other but alexei is stupid and leo suffered from internalized homophobia believing hes not meant for relationships no matter how much he wanted one with someone he would never pursue it bc he thought he would be a burden/nobody sees him that way/he is repulsive;; alexei just admired leo too much and thought leo was out of his league and that hed never love someone like him and also bc hes alexei and is just like * has severe paranoia and also no social skills *

dasha saw the Signs™ tho bc hes like love is in the air….and i will find out where its coming from and then. he suffered watching these 2 dumbasses for 2 almost 3 years dance around each other and their feelings while nobody else believed him that hey…..looks like somethins goin on between alexei and leo…u ever notice how leo takes any chance to touch him? u ever notice the way alexei immediately becomes more interactive when leo comes along? yes i know leo is clingy yes i know alexei is improving socially just like. Look its Right in Front of You.

but anyways went like that for the longest time where both of them kind of planned to make their feelings known but could never work up the courage to follow through with it. and alexei got with lucien to try to forget abt leo bc he “knew” he ‘had no chance’ and leo just [roblox OOF] and as usual * focuses on work at a dangerous level and does stupid stuff *

which ends up with a mix up and confusion where leo is missing and puts everyone in a panic and miko catches a guy named nikostratos and ooh ooough oh hes so mad hes so ohguh hes so angry that hes mad. and without thinking and following standard procedure does some things and is 8D to find out uh oh! just gave my brother the familys awful itchy scratchy disease! fuck! time to go kms i guess!

and masha is big mad at everyone so shes just like leo and miko are banned from work and if they even attempt it they wont bc theyd cross me and nobody crosses me. and then alexei is put on watch to make sure leo doesnt try to sneak away and work on his own anyways and to nobodys surprise, he does try. instead of sending one of his people alexei personally confronts him and persuades him to go back home. to which leo asks alexei to stay with him and he does…slowly leo starts to ease up again as alexei stays with him and basically lives with him/stella/the twins for a short while as hes stationed to by masha

eventually after a while of watching both miko and leo masha is satisfied enough with their recoveries and allows them back to their jobs calling alexei off since they no longer need to be supervised. but alexei again * is extremely paranoid and well meaning but also awful * so he keeps his people watching leo from a distance just to be sure hes safe; as he does with maxim and miko (the only difference is that maxim and miko Know he does that and asked him to do that; leo didnt.) oh yeah somewhere sprinkled in around that time alexei split with lucien cause he just. wasnt happy it wasnt working. i dont remember where exactly in all this mess it happened LMAO u might wanna ask my boyed friend abt that since alexei is his

so anyways after a while of being back to work leo notices hes still being followed and slowly gets paranoid and irritable. he ends up doing rash things that could end up getting him killed just to get the attention of the people following him to see if hes “just being paranoid” or if hes really being followed still despite masha allowing him to return to work. eventually after the 3rd time instead of sending someone to intervene alexei himself shows up and leo is Angry and hurt tells alexei to call off his people cause if he ever sees them again he wont hesitate to kill them and so alexei does cause he does care abt his people he doesnt try to defend himself or anything it finally hits him that he just “oh hmm. ok yeah that was kinda fucked up. uh oh i fucked up. this is bad”

and leos whole attitude began to shift instead of his usual generally polite and very easy attitude ready to make friends with anyone he became guarded irritable and quiet and he lost the soft tone in his voice. eventually even with his favourite most important people around him (stella/felix/miko) hes just too paranoid sick to his stomach and angry to stay where he is. so he says hes going to take a vacation and instead moves down to work at the other facilities as a lower agent domenico carlevaro; he doesnt alter his appearance too much aside from dyeing his hair and changing his general fashion style. the only person he allows to come down and see him is mikolaj but he says if felix or stella ever asked him he is allowed to tell them they can see him but no one else. not maxim or dasha or alcides not the twins. he cant stand to see anyone else. miko regularly visits him but has to ask each time since leo doesnt stay in 1 place for too long. eventually leos anger just makes him even more reckless causing him to break his prosthetic; so he has to return to apologize to dasha and ask for a new one.

there he finds out alexei has disappeared and immediately he just feels a twist in his stomach bc he wanted to be angry and pretend that hes over it and he doesnt care about him anymore but he still does so after he gets his new arm despite maxims protests he insists that he will assist maxim in the search. miko reports that alexei was last seen injured being carried away by a woman from some abandoned facility and so everyone is like ok fuck! who is that! is he already dead! or what the fuck! goddamn it! eventually maxim and leo manage to find where alexei is hiding running into one of his people; daria who is a tracker and not really experienced in protection. she… doesnt know how to properly use a gun. shenanigans happen bc daria is sweet and maxim and leo are not mean then leo sees alexei and boy ! he is  FUCKED UP. alexei looks like hes str8 up dying (cause he is!) hes extremely weak and has to use a cane to walk hes got bloody bandages all over and his arm in a sling and later leo and maxim see that arm has a huge ass bite taken out of it and maxim is just 8D…im a good doctor but im not That good a doctor what the fuck is this. and calls marina down to see if they know what this is

marina does and identifies it as a kaprinka bite (ask my boyed friend what a kaprinka is) and that all cases theyve been in charge of nobody has survived but theyll do what they can to try to fix it. maxim and leo decide to take shifts to always be in the room with alexei in case anything goes wrong like his condition suddenly gets even worse and they need to call marina or an attempt on his life happens. so the first night while leo is in charge of watching alexei they start to talk and leo isnt angry anymore and instead is just…Really really sad and admits how hes felt and how he knows that he doesnt have to; he shouldnt; and he Doesnt forgive him for what he did but hes willing to push that aside to at least go back to the way they were. and alexei admits how hes felt and apologizes for everything and how he “probably got himself killed” and theyre both just mmmm feels bad toddbut after that it gives alexei the push to keep on living and alexei does Stupid Stuff which is really stupid but! it helps and he manages to bring back the kaprinka for marina to see what they can do to help him since they said that theyve only ever seen kaprinka that were already dead and not usable for testing it takes months and some big rollercoaster ups and downs w/ alexeis progress but he makes it and recovers but continues to stay in hiding til he gains his full strength back and during that time someone is sent to kill him and leo and maxim stop the guy and then stuff happens and alexei is big mad and blah blah and stuff and then after thats taken care of and his recovery is full they all return and leo helps alexei/artyom/daria in their search for what originally caused the whole situation alexei got in

and so basically from the day they found him theyve been dating Finally but never like fully established it but its very clear now so everyone knows and dasha is rubbing it in everyones faces and miko and felix are dying and they just Cant understand.

also a quick note: theres 2 darias…i have a daria who is just a cute crafts girl with rainbow hair but thats not the daria in this situation…the daria in that situation is my boyfriends oc who is a motorcycle racer and tracker for alexei but they are both equally cute and good

[conflictedrabbit]

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 

___: 

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___: 

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff: 

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff: 

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___: 

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff: 

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___: 

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___: 

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___: 

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff: 

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___: 

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___: 

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff: 

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff: 

Wow i want to die!

___: 

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___: 

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___: 

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff: 

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___: 

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff: 

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___: 

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff: 

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___: 

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff: 

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff: 

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___: 

M. E

m

66ccff: 

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___: 

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff: 

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me: 

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___: 

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff: 

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff: 

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___: 

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff: 

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___: 

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff: 

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff: 

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff: 

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___: 

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___: 

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff: 

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___: 

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff: 

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___: 

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___: 

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___: 

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___: 

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff: 

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff: 

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___: 

Me

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff: 

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff: 

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___:  it's really weird

66ccff: 

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___: 

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah

....

66ccff: 

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

[cephelanthus]

fukcign

heres the story of how i helped someone and was told to not do that again.

alright i just picked up some guy who was walking on the side of the road. alone. at night. in the goddamn forest. So, im thinking something might bewrong. i turn my car around, ask him if i can give him a ride and hes super happy bc apparently he has been walking along the road for like 8 km and no car ever stopped. i drive him to the next village, which was like a minute away, hes really glad and leaves and i drive back home.

but when i tell my parents abt all this, theyre not happy that im a decent person for helping people or anything, theyre just super worried and basically both tell me i shouldnt have done that. like. at all. no, dont stop for people who might need help. dont do that.

i mean, i get where theyre coming from, he was a bit shady looking to be fair and im basically a tiny 19 year old girl and shouldnt pick up weird men at night. and… yeah, maybe i shouldnt, but i couldnt just leave him there either? like? ??

point is, im really upset that i basically cant be a decent fucking human being in this society because some men fucked it up and now every woman has to be careful what she does. sure, then i wont help any people ever again. lesson learned, yep. i wont even talk to anyone anymore. ill lock myself in the basement and not interact with any humans ever. sure.

i thought i was just being nice and! nothing even happened! he was happy he didnt have to walk the last part! but no!! dont help people!!

i know something could have happened and i get it. im naive, but not that naive. bad things happen, bad people exist. But that shouldnt be a FUCKING REASON TO NOT HELP OTHER HUMANS.

OH YEAH and my mum said its not society thats fucked up, just that there are some people but IF IT WASNT THE STANDARD THAT BAD PEOPLE EXIST I WOULDNT HAVE TO LOOK OUT LIKE THIS, AND APPARENTLY I DO SO APPARENTLY ITS NORMAL THAT THERE ARE BAD PEOPLE SO ITS SOCIETIES FAULT AFTER ALL

tl;dr: our society is fucked and im not allowed to help people.

[serene-serein]

Save Yourself, Don’t Watch Death Note

I documented my thoughts while watching the new Death Note movie so...here you go.

1. Music is nice 2. Tf is this opening scene 3. ....the quiz ?????? 4. edgy hair and all 5. Typical misunderstood girl 6. THE CIG?????? 7. what's with the dramatic wind???? did no one else see the book?? (1:37:26) 8. random hard rain???? 9. Bullies wtf 10. the girl 11. light WTF (1:36:34) 12. he sounds like an 8 year old 13. he acts like an 8 year old 14. Mia lied cuz she a ho 15. Light shut up UR SO EDGY!!! (1:35:21) 16. HIS MOM??? SHOULDNT BE DEAD?? 17. okay principal is a dick but tbh it's an edgy movie what did I expect 18. he still likes her why 19. detention?????? 20. he looks so gross 21. HE ACTS GROSS WTH (1:34:12) 22. the book looks gross 23. EW CREEPY TONGUE LICK 24. why r u reading it out loud 25. the book has been used?? why?? what?? 26. also there should be lines 27. RYUK??? BBY?????? he didn't try to scare him  in reality unmmmm what 28. "Hello?" @ monster (1:32:55) 29. RYUK LOOKS COOL DUDE 30. screaming omg I'm dead kill me 31. THE SCREAMING (1:32:14) 32. u fuckin child 33. APPLE! 34. cool voice 35. more screaming 36. AND THEN HES FINE????????? 37. "I'm asleep" stereotype 38. I love Ryuk babe 39. but what'd they do to him 40. LIGHT'S FACEEEEE IM DED (1:30:47) 41. bullies aren't like that um 42. so now Ryuk is the bad guy? 43. "I don't have a pen" 44. why does Ryuk have a pen 45. WHY IS LIGHT LISTENING 46. um wtf 47. DECAPITATION??????? 48. "Watch" IM 49. HIS FACE (1:29:02) 50. decapitated by a ladder 51. GORE IS OFF THE CHARTS 52. and then Ryuk is like "k now here lemme accept it" 53. WHAT (1:28:15) 54. apparently his dad is a drunk and they live in a trailer 55.  Light is apathetic towards the bully dying and so is the dad 56. "death of someone? meh. cheating? OH DEAR GAWD" 57. edgy kid and so disrespectful (1:26:53) 58. ......what is this family ??? 59. Light is so disrespectful and the dad doesn't even care 60. edgy music 61. A P P L E 62. what, u gonna kill ur daddy? 63. "Don't trust Rie-uk" NOT HOW U SAY IT 64. monster in the closet ;) (1:25:06) 65. let's play with the creature in the closet! 66. human hand 67. fast eating 68. screaming again 69. "Ree-you-k" a so much better 70. casually talking (1:24:13) 71. what is this... 72. "UR FINGERS R HUGE" WHAAAAT [funny line tho cuz that’d be me] 73. "No shark attacks while someone's on the toilet" admittedly funny 74. they act as if this is a casual occurrence 75. IGNORES RULES AND WARNINGS AND DECIDES TO KILL OKAY YEAH SURE (1:22:45) 76. "Gotta get mummy's killer" oh give me a break 77. Of course he's gorging himself 78. *from earlier* light didn't care about the bully dying for more than two seconds 79. that's..such an improbable way to die (1:21:10) 80. bad hiding 81. Light is so bad at hiding 82. "Ur ma was a hippie" oh okay that explains his name 83. UM LIGHT WTF UR SO BAD AT ACTING 84. EVERYONE IS BAD AT ACTING KMS 85. fuckin Ryuk 86. I like his face tho is cool (1:19:43) 87. openly uses book in school 88. "Kenny was a sociopath... i wish id seen it" 89. Mia is a bitch 90. they're awkward 91. she's so weird 92. BAD ACTING ABOUT IT 93. "Can't tell you" "k bye" "U WANNA KNOW?" (1:17:54) 94. she doesn't see Ryuk 95. "Ur poetry sucks" funny 96. HIS FUCKING FACE WHEN SHE SEEs IT 97. "I have a death god" and she S M I L E S and then just stays cuz it's so normal 98. "Lemme kill someone to prove to you" (1:16:27) 99. same school thing okay that's fine 100. why wouldn't the police just shoot him 101. Hit by a truck and that's not how it....I'm..what 102. "I killed him" BITCH RUN 103. he's a sociopath. simple 104. she doesn't care (1:14:55) 105. okay so he has an easy excuse. mommy issues 106. "Think I'm crazy?" "No, not crazy enough. we could change the world" 107. sneaking into the house together what 108. why am I spending time watching this 109. STOP KISSING PLS 110. "YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ASK" Oh okay so no consent? sure fine totally (1:13:40) 111. and they have sex okay sure 112. HIS FACE IS WHAT 113. creepy relationship 114. kissing while killing 115. Asian guy killed 116. laughing at it 117. THEY made up the name? oh hell no (1:12:08) 118. OH MY GOD "killer in Japanese so they'll look on the wrong continent" 119. laughing at it all 120. riots for him????? I can't even tbh 121. Kira is suddenly a good guy for everyone okay sure whatever u ass 122. HEY IS IT L HEY HEY 123. "Tokyo nightclub" YOU ASSES (1:10:00) 124. hey it's my boy L yo 125. he looks stupid snooping around the scene 126. bad acting 127. L is cool ig 128. I'm so confused what is this 129. very very bad acting 130. ....THE SINGING!!!!! 131. and somehow L falls asleep to it (1:07:48) 132. obvious green screen 133. Light is so obvious 134. "Is there a complaint department if I don't like one of Kira's choices" I like the dad he's funny 135. dad ig looks similar in a whitewashed way 136. all the papers on the ground and "eat shit" cuz that's normal 137. the screen wasn't even in a phone call okay 138. Watari never showed his face (1:04:57) 139. why is his dad so rude 140. no voice changer 141. he's so messy what 142. candy obsession 143. thanks for the true to anime sitting that's good 144. HOW DO YOU KNOW SEATTLE? 145. oh first kill? (1:03:49) 146. and now she's manipulative 147. "It's not like that" How do you know?? 148. not bad representation of L 149. you can't tell his age go away 150. ice cream pfft 151. "REST YOUR GLUTES" Funny 152. how did the police miss that (1:01:14) 153. why would you trust Light's dad then 154. speaking with Kira okay that's actually realistic 155. L never, and I mean NEVER, showed his face publicly 156. does light have nothing better to do 157. "He's a coward" Oh yeah do it 158. Ryuk I love you (59:17) 159. Ryuk laughing ily 160. okay so you got it light that sure okay fine 161. "THEN, James, ID BE DEAD" I love him 162. funny scene 163. why is Light sneaking downstairs You're so Obvious 164. SO OBVIOUS WTH 165. ...how is his dad so...oblivious 166. irony 167. ...more obviousness wth (56:53) 168. "A particularly bright kid" no he obviously isn't 169. stalker is obvious 170. and she's the manipulater okay 171. "Care-a" 172. SASSY LIGHT WOOT 173. she's a bitch 174. she's going to write in it isn't she 175. probably took it 176. she's a bitch okay (54:39) 177. *from earlier* why'd they change the if you touch the note thing 178. oh so the heart attack thing is back 179. agent franks is being controlled 180. L is shocked sureeeeeeeee not how he is tbh 181. what's this pop music I like it 182. inappropriate timing tho 183. and they walk off the building I'm screaming okay whatever 184. in Japan? what 185. screaming about the death note in school 186. OBVIOUSLY IT WAS HER 187. Ryuk is so sassy 188. okay so Ryuk’s killing them? Jesus that's not how it works 189. you can't kill a god of death idiot 190. what's with the name thing (51:37) 191. she's so demented 192. his dad already what is going on 193. she's insane and wanting to kill his dad.... 194. SHES TRYING TO GET HIM TO KILL HIS DAD?!?! 195. Mia what the actual fuck 196. L isn't bad 197. his dad is ready to die? (49:22) 198. is he going to kill his dad cuz I feel like he is 199. what's with L's old phone? 200. okay so he's figured out who Kira is 201. what's with the sleeping? 202. I love how Ryuk is in the book Light is reading 203. casual approaching 204. HIS SITTING L I like you 205. confronting him... 206. LIGHT IS SASSY 207. why is Ryuk like this I wonder (46:53) 208. cool lighting tho 209. giving himself away 210. face shown 211. why are they fighting 212. "I dont even carry a gun, it's distracting" best line 213. L is actually cool 214. light is fucking insane 215. no one notices the fighting 216. ew here SHE is again 217. push her into the mud she's ugly 218. "I'm a cheerleader. nothing mattered before you" best excuse 219. "I love you" I'm.. (44:16) 220. ew ew ew ew ew they're so gross 221. you need his full name um 222. not going to kill Watari 223. only 1 name able to be burned okay 224. creepy monk orphan 225. CREEPY MONK ORPHANAGE 226. why is Watari listening 227. Mia go away pls 228. L doesn't think this is weird with Watari? (41:18) 229. the tattoo is cool behind L’s ear but why is it there 230. I like L actually 231. he freaks out? unlike his character  232. top hat 233. casual L 234. so obvious um 235. girl isn't even gone and now they're talking 236. unlike L's character (39:21) 237. she's still there 238. Police brutality UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM 239. CHOKE HOLD?! 240. THREATENING TO KILL L!!! 241. UM LIGHT WHAT THE FUCK 242. WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCK 243. AND HIS FUCKING FATHER???? (38:18) 244. pfft Ryuk 245. "Is there anything I need to know" he would 100% support Kira 246. L in the background 247. completely calm after this ???? 248. did they not look into the girl 249. why is Watari singing 250. Light is so obvious 251. THE TOPHATTT 252. Watari is probs going to die (35:41) 253. CREEPY ORPHANAGE 254. ghostly panting???????????? [subtitles] 255. Ryuk can't..I'm ...what 256. this is actually a cult tho 257. secret tunnel okay yes 258. what's with the weird music (34:12) 259. why is L so strung out 260. awkwardly morose 261. homecoming awkwardness 262. TOP HAT 263. middle fingers wouldn't be allowed 264. rat 265. I bet Watari is going to die. Light will probably be too late to/forget to burn the page 266. what happened to the monks? why did they leave the papers? plot hole 267. top hat 268. frosted tips like [ex’s name] 269. "Normal people scare me" the worst thing yet (31:32) 270. called it. Watari is dead 271. I don't get what the page 272. ohh to burn his name 273. she's fucking creepy and weird 274. and Light doesn't really care 275. top hat (29:21) 276. and then hugging 277. she's insane..... 278. "I saved you again" I'm screaming 279. ....what the actually hell is wrong with her. LIGHT FUCKING DUMP HER 280. I absolutely hate her 281. why is she able to write in it 282. ...and of course she killed him 283. she's insane, like actually completely insane (27:35) 284. What's with all the rules thing 285. I ACTUALLY HATE HER WHAT THE HELL 286. Ryuk wouldn't let this happen he isn't a bad guy 287. L is now even more insane and going to kill Light 288. inappropriate music 289. Light's ugly running (26:19) 290. why didn't he burn his own page 291. why didn't he put her in there towards the end so she couldn't see it 292. Plot holes 293. WRITE HER FING NAME (24:50) 294. did he leave the book 295. L is coming for you bitch also he can't drive so 296. inappropriate music and close ups 297. L is cool lol look @ his awesome running 298. ohhhh he's cool (23:22) 299. parkour 300. Light's running is like not pressing the correct buttons on a quick time 301. L's running is awesome 302. nice lighting tbh 303. KILL HIM KILL HIM (21:50) 304. "Lord Kira" kill me 305. is this supposed to be a romantic scene when she wrote his name in the book? 306. he's carrying a gun like literally what 307. he should kill her (20:30) 308. KILL HER KILL HER 309. inappropriate music 310. "Lets run away together" 311. she's insane and still smiling 312. he probs wrote her name (19:28) 313. probs pushes him out 314. oh look @ Ryuk 315. OH YESSSSSS HE KILLED HER OH YES 316. his reasoning 317. "You said you loved me I thought you wouldn't take it" you moron (18:17) 318. why would you take it back 319. did she already burn his page? 320. why is Ryuk involved 321. shouldn't they both die? they're both in it 322. THE MUSIC IS BACK WHAT 323. the book why would you catch it 324. THE MUSIC IS SO INAPPROPRIATE IM SCREAMING (16:51) 325. oh there they go! bye bye b 326. I love Ryuk's smile 327. the slowmo 328. everyone's faces 329. the flowers exploding 330. is Light alive???? 331. is she??? 332. I'm confused tbh (16:02) 333. she's dead 334. L is still alive yay! 335. free death note page 336. omfg it burned no 337. Light is alive probs 🙄 338. who took the random book? (14:45) 339. more killings 340. apparently everyone hates L?? that's not how he was treated 341. Who is this guy that picked up the book 342. why would you give back the book (13:42) 343. such an obvious place to leave it 344. the phone screen isn't on a call 345. is he going to wake up 346. yes 347. oh and he keeps the book you weirdo 348. she was insane why is he sorry 349. his dad is ugly and gross go away (12:10) 350. WAIT PLOT HOLE he was supposed to be in a coma but his dad knocked. his dad wouldn’t know he’s awake? 351. Dad somehow doesn't care it was Light 352. L what are you doing 353. is his dad going to join in... oh no 354. why would you need to write all this down idek man 355. what is L doing..oh nvm wait why did he act surprised by this (9:07) 356. so now L is thrown off course? oh going to write Light's name? 357. do it son, pls do it he's ugly 358. inappropriate music 359. Ryuk laughing (7:30)

[rhilumi]

Robin 1993 #156

Yeah no I wasn't normal about the implications of this. For all my grievances about OYL I always loved this issue because if you have an ounce of media literacy you can see it tackling Tim’s depression head on.

Timothy Drake cannot kill himself—not through lack of want or trying. the more he thinks about it, the tighter his chest grows. it settles deep in his gut, a tangle and a knot he can't seem to repair. he will be missed, he will hurt people, he will add another case to be dusted regularly.

he doesn't want it any less.

it's not fear, he knows that much, because he's faced worse and scarier fates than death. if he can swim through a sea of rats, he can commit suicide. he could commit suicide. he can't commit suicide.

it's guilt. it's responsibility. it's the weight of everybody's livelihoods conking him in the head again and again. he's come this far—he can't let it be his fault this time. the thought of blood on anybody's knuckles in the name of his loss makes his stomach churn. he considers it for a moment and then he's feeling the bile rise up his throat. it stings his eyes with tears he can't bring himself to shed for anyone anymore.

he wonders how long it'll eat at him for. he shouldn't have done it, he knows, but he's only human. in the face of insanity, betrayal, death, and rats, he's only a boy staring down at far too many graves. he shouldn't have done it and he didn't do it.

he jumped. he knows he did. without gear, without armor, without borrowed wings on his back. it was familiar and welcoming, and he will remember it for the rest of his life, see it in dreams and nightmares on repeat. it was what he wanted, but his arms were reaching out for purchase before he could blink. a dislocated shoulder and a half-full dumpster later, he was staring up at the cloudy night sky with blurry vision.

then, he heard the squeaks and the rustling among dozens of rotting trashbags. glue traps are cruel, he thought, as much as he hates rats. (hates, he's not phobic.) it was only when he watched the critter scurry away, at the cost of a bleeding, swollen finger, that he allowed himself a moment to breathe.

he blinked once and soon he was emptying his stomach out on the concrete. he shouldn't have done it, he knew and he knows, but it would have worked. he curses and curses, because his body is faster than his brain, because Robin is stronger than Tim, because protecting Gotham means protecting himself.

Timothy Drake cannot kill himself, so he decides he will die in battle, where his blood will always wash somebody else's off the floor.